#i took a bit of a break because of burnout/some personal stuff that really took a toll on my mental health

[potatobugz]

hellooo... wanted to give a bit of an update on tptbu bc i havent posted abt it in a while. im still working on it! take this art i made of the death pact againers because i love them

[feverdreamjohnny]

Hi, I’m a newer game dev (at least I’m tryin to be one lol) and I’ve realized that I have a really hard time finishing projects, because I just get burnt out and lose any passion I had for it. Do you have any advice?

Here's how I've (sort of) navigated these issues:

- Make small games. This was originally my "starting out" advice for people, but as time has gone on I genuinely think this is the only practical method for indie development. When I say small, I mean SMALL. I don't mean "oh, make an 8 hour game with hidden levels and side quests," I mean "your game is, at most, a single hour long, preferably 30 minutes." I've seen enough indies overscope their work and get stuck for nearly a decade without a finished product because they wanted to replicate the scope of a game made by several people with millions of dollars. You can definitely attempt larger projects down the line, but for the most part smaller games are what give you consistent growth as a creative, a reliable audience, and if you monetize them on steam or itch.io - an income. It's also a great opportunity to explore experimental design/art without risks, which is always valuable.

- Regardless of the game's scope, you need to take multi-day-long breaks if you're experiencing burnout. Game development is a cerebral discipline and it will tire you out fast. Forcing yourself through burnout might squeeze out more results, but you're just amplifying burnout down the line. Recognize that the breaks are a natural extension of the process and don't wreck yourself trying to be "more" than that. Hell, even painters sometimes need a bit of space from their work before they can continue, why would it be any different here?

[MORE BELOW THE BREAK]

- Don't get hung up on the game not coming out like you thought it would. If you become frustrated because the game doesn't reflect your ambitions, it's easy to lose interest and want to move on from it. Games will almost never resemble the initial vision. Sometimes you have to avoid being a perfectionist and accept your game for what it is.

- Find community (if you can). Surrounding yourself with other developers can be a great motivator for your own work, and being able to tap into a larger pool for second opinions and assistance can help you break barriers that otherwise would've stopped your work.

- Take your time. Game development is slow, and learning the various disciplines inside of it is a lengthy process. It took me 8 years to do the stuff I do today. Granted you might have an easier time if you're older than I was when I started, but in general it will take years to get to a point where you feel confident.

- Try a different engine from time to time. Most modern engines are fairly well suited for independent game development, but the available resources surrounding the engine (such as documentation and community support) can vary wildly. I strongly recommend window shopping across several engines. There's a small chance that you're having a hard time because the engine you're currently using isn't well suited to you and your goals. Some recommendations based on the ones I've personally tried:

* Game Maker Studio 2 - Great general purpose engine for 2D game development. Has a great community and plenty of learning resources. It's also fairly user friendly. It does have a license cost if you want to monetize your games, so keep that in mind. Scripting is done with GML, which is very human-readable.

* Godot - One of the best open source 2D/3D game engines. Doesn't have all the features of its competitors, but it's rapidly evolving and what's already there is more than enough to make most games. It's also compatible with various programming languages! Also, being open source means that it's completely free of licensing costs.

* Unreal Engine - Freakishly powerful 3D game engine at the cutting edge for modern game development. The C++ scripting might be fairly tough to work with as a newcomer (especially since it's built around a special wrapper for the engine that changes some of the rules), but it does have a well supported visual scripting backend that could do you some good. 2D games are certainly possible in Unreal, but it's clear that's not what the engine is intended for. Also Unreal has a neat licensing policy where you don't have to pay them unless you make more than +$1M, so that's cool.

* Unity - This is the one I use. It's great for 2D and 3D, and has a rapidly evolving feature set. It's one of the few engines with a swappable rendering pipeline system, which lets you pick the fidelity to work with relative to your game: With HDRP you can work on high-end games, and URP is great for doing everything else. Like Unreal you can initially monetize your games for free, but you have to pay a monthly subscription once you cross +$100k. Also you have to pay a monthly subscription to get rid of the splash screen which kind of sucks. Other than that, it's a very robust engine with possibly the largest community of the engines listed here.

[cleolinda]

Weekend links

My posts

Took a bit of a break this week, although I did draft some Spooky Season stuff. Also, writing this post last week made me realize that I needed to buy a bluetooth shower speaker, so now I'm waiting on that to charge up.

Speaking of Spooky Season, I kicked it off by watching someone else watch scary shorts on YouTube (I need my hand held) (I'm compiling a playlist of the short films themselves to post). At which point I asked people to weigh in on what media scares them. I mean "so scary I nearly had to turn it off" scary, if you have any suggestions.

Not scary (yet): When you’re a fan of the character based on you but you didn’t actually finish the movie

Reblogs of interest

Strikes: I agree with the theory that streaming/studios have dug in their heels so hard on the WGA/SAG-AFTRA strikes because they don't want to reveal massive systemic fraud. Here's how very little money they're fighting over, while they're willing to splash out on crisis PR.

Not strikes: Tumblr putting a scary clown on your dash is not Crossing the Picket Line.

Oh look, it's Autistic Burnout, the reason I disappeared for a few years there!

The raccoons of self care

"Humans have finally managed to land on Mars, only to find a locked safe buried in the Martian soil. The key is apparently on Earth, but no one knows where."

Video

A primer on handshake slaps and daps for anyone who might need it

The sacred texts

oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!

Look at all the fucks I don't give. Look at them, Anakin

Personal tags of the week

It felt like a real #bats kind of week. Also, a really good Wet Beast Wednesday.

[taehyungfirst]

honestly i kind of wish both taehyung and jungkook's solos were more personal. don't get wrong, i loved layover and i'm sure golden will be fun. and i bet they both added in their own personal details in regards to the albums, but it would've been nice to see their names on the song credits. and this isn't me trying to be shady or anything because just because they weren't involved in the process, it doesn't make them any less of real musicians. it's just a personal preference i guess. but i think taehyung and jungkook are extreme perfectionists when it comes to this and we know they have a habit of deleting the songs they work on. this is shown through tae scrapping his original album, and bang pd saying jungkook was considering not doing an album at all. i think that both of them probably felt pressured to put something out before they enlist, and since everyone else was doing it too. and with enlistment, they only had a limited time to do this. and i know they've talked about making mixtapes in the past but that's different than a whole album. basically i don't blame them for how things happened but i really hope we'll get more personal things from them eventually

Hi anon! First of all, I wanna start saying that having expectations is not a bad thing, and it’s completely valid if you expected them to have some credits in the tracks, since they have shown in the past how good they are at songwriting. Now, let’s get into what i think, I’m gonna start with Taehyung because I just know more stuff about him ahaha.

Taehyung songwriting skills are actually brilliant, I always loved the snippets he showed us and some of his lyrics were actually incredible (the heart of the loveless lyrics is printed behind my eyelids), Blue and Grey which was initially a personal song debuted at #13 on the hot100, a b-side mind you. And Taehyung has always been honest to us, he updated us every time he wrote a song, every time he deleted one, every time he worked a lot, he has always told us everything and he also told us how he was “unable” to finish a song, he just starts it and then never finishes it which is why he scraped a lot of his work before, so I think he was just a bit unsure and the he confronted Mhj, who was someone who could share his vision.

Now.

There is a difference I think between having someone writing songs for you, for your vision, for the vibe you want in the album and someone who gives you pre-made songs that apparently don’t connect to eo (i’m saying this for the presence of 3D and seven, which are like sore thumbs between those angsty titles), I have no doubts Jungkook will say he listened to the songs and felt like he had to sing them because he liked them (which is okay i guess, most of artists don’t write their stuff), but if the credits were not visible, if Layover hid the credits, I would have believed 100% Tae wrote all of them, because every single track is so taehyung, Mhj listened and studied him to create perfect tracks.

And Jk also opened up on how he was in a burnout period, which is also why he relaxed at home mostly and took a break from everything (which is valid i repeat) and honestly I think that all of this is happening because of the enlistment. Because Taehyung said after Layover he wants to release his songs, so this means that if enlistment wasn’t literally behind the corner he would have had more time and worked on his own songs, same goes for Jungkook. The enlistment had a big BIG part in all of this, I think they felt pressured and they thought they couldn’t enlist without releasing something for the fans (which is not a very healthy mindset, you’ve been working hard for 10 years, you can enlist without dropping a whole album or taking trips every two weeks to film something for the fandom)… well all of this can be summarized in: I think there are differences between Tae and Jk situations (which is also their goals with Jk wanting to become a pop star in the usa market), that yes time and enlistment are partially the reasons behind everything and that they will for sure release some stuff more personal whenever they get the chance again because they are both incredibly talented artists :)

Sorry for the rambling and typos I can’t seem to find my glasses tonight.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey Steph! Any advice to a person on reader's block? I wanna read a lot of fanfics, but I'm like... stuck :/

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

Honestly? For me I either switch fandoms or go back to old favourite fics. That's it. That's why I read SO many alternate fandom fics the past couple years, simply because reading Sherlock fics, for me, felt like a chore for awhile since I have to keep meticulous track of what's in a story and how it will be filed on my blog rather than enjoy the content of the story first-time-around. It seems to have gotten better now that I took a bit of a semi-hiatus from NEW Johnlock fics, but honestly, for me, swapping fandoms OR re-reading an old fic takes away that obligation / job of fic filing, for ME.

For you, it just might be fandom fatigue, so going back to some old stuff you KNOW you enjoyed, or fics for fandoms that you really like but never thought about reading more about is exciting. NOW I'm NOT implying that the current fandom you're reading in just suddenly got bad, NO, not at all!! I LOVE and adore all our fandom authors. But sometimes immersing yourself in a different setting HELPS.

For instance, the past two years I've been alternating between Johnlock and MCU/Sci-Fi/Fantasy fandoms, with different characters and relationships with their own dynamic that's ALMOST-BUT-NOT-QUITE Johnlockian. For ME, reading a new Johnlock fic IS a job, BECAUSE I have to file it at the end, and it's easier for me to tag-as-I-go. Then I swap over to a Red Dwarf fic with a whole different universe.

AS I SAID, it's completely different for me, and I HAVE to take the break between new fics so I don't get burnt out again. Sometimes I'll re-read a recently read fic and really enjoy it, able to take it all in. But yeah, in all my years doing this, my advice is this if you're having reading burnout or reader's block:

Take a break, eat, and do some other mind-engaging stuff instead, like puzzles. I love doing Fill-In Puzzles.

Swap fandoms, maybe go back to one you enjoyed as a kid, or are lurking on the outskirts in. After, try reading the fandom you primarily stick to again, and if it's not hitting you yet, go back to another fandom. YOU ARE NOT FORCED TO STAY IN ONE FANDOM. I had a hard time accepting this, LOL. I felt like I was betraying my Lovelies by reading other fandoms, but now it only helps me reset my brain for a new fic :)

Try reading a published work! Go to your local library and just see what they have, and check out a book. Sometimes there's a LOT of joy in just... reading from a physical book.

Re-read a fic you know you love. I do this a lot, and ALWAYS have, as "palate cleansers" between stories. For me, if I read too many new fics in a row, I get the plot lines confused, so re-reading a fic helps my brain sub-consciously process the last story I read. You'd be surprised how much this helps.

If you're not enjoying a fic, stop reading it, and read an old fave. Fiction is subjective, and not everyone is going to enjoy the same things. I used to force my way through fics I knew I wasn't even going to bookmark, and one day I just finally said "why? this story is upsetting me". Again, "cleanse the palate" with an old fave to reset the brain, and start again with something else.

And finally, it's OKAY if you just simply lost interest in reading. Your brain needs resetting sometimes, and just... if it takes days, months or years to get back into it, it's OKAY. I know what it's like to REALLY want to read something, but not being physically able to do it. Take a week off of reading, and get back into it. In my case I just listen to music instead since most of my reading is done either in bed or on the bus, so yeah, just a total zone-out for a week is all you may need.

I hope this helps a little bit, and I'm sorry if it doesn't. If anyone has any of their own tips to breaking that reading block, let me know! <3

[figofswords]

hi !! so i’ve followed you for a while now and i like all your posts but i’m really interested in whenever you post about your art classes in college! i want to be an art major myself but my college doesn’t have that good of an art program and i also don’t really know how art classes usually work. obviously if this feels like it’s too prying or would be too much information than is safe to give online then u can ignore this but if you don’t mind/have time could you tell me a bit about how being an art major works or what classes you took? your art is really cool and a huge inspiration to me and i want to try and be where you’re at one day. thank u :)

Sorry for the very late response to this! I have been In Hell with final projects which I guess is the first thing I have to say about art school: every class gives you a huge final project at the end all at once and expects you to have time for it. haha

So I was actually in a similar situation to you when I started college. I was originally a music major at a university that had really great programs for performing arts but was sort of lacking in the visual arts department. By my second semester of freshman year I was taking an art minor, by sophomore year I switched to an art major and a music minor, and by spring break sophomore year I knew for sure the existing art program wasn’t going to give me what I needed, and so I transferred schools in between sophomore and junior year. I knew I didn’t want to go to a private conservatory school because a) the prices are exorbitant, b) I have a lot of interests and wanted to have options in case I changed my mind again, and c) the lack of exposure to other academic areas means the rate of burnout at those schools is ridiculously high. I ended up at a university with a highly rated art program in a major that includes courses in the subject matter I wanted (namely comics/sequential art and concept art).

for how art classes work: generally your art classes will take the form of “studios”, which at my school are ~3hrs long twice a week. during that time you either sit through lectures and demonstrations or just work in class, or sometimes a combination of both. Professors assign projects to be completed based on a given rubric. It’s pretty standard to have 3-4 projects per course, sometimes with additional smaller homework exercises that are usually either graded lower or not graded at all. At the end of each project most classes will hold in-class critique, where each student informally presents their finished piece and receives constructive feedback from classmates and the professor. Some professors allow you to make adjustments after crit before turning it in again, and some don’t. Generally I’ve found most art professors to be pretty flexible about stuff but there are a few bad eggs in any department.

Generally I don’t think majoring in art is necessary for being a professional artist. There are tons of wonderful resources (YouTube videos, online workshops, in person workshops at your local arts center or artist studio collective) that can give you the same things you would be getting in college just for a fraction of the price. The benefit of art majoring is, I think, mostly about making connections with people in the industry and with your peers. It’s been the right move for me because I have trouble self-motivating and I’ve loved having access to student publications and clubs, as well as having access to student-organized art markets and other similar events, but I also have always done well in academic settings and college scheduling in many ways mirrors the way I was homeschooled which fits my learning style very well. Again, though, it’s not for everyone and it 100% comes down to the individual person. You could also always do a combination of things: getting your associates at a community college will get a lot of your gen ed coursework out of the way if you then transfer to a full university to finish your bachelors.

Hopefully that was helpful! Let me know if you have any other specific questions I didn’t address.

[jessefandomunited]

Hiiii for Peter Parker (andrew garfield 💕) could you please write something for a female reader set in the future (like they're in grad school or something) and have been together throughout university and Peter wants to pop the question 🥺 literally can't stop thinking about this man proposing -

I am so sorry this took so long, such an adorable idea and i’d happily do this for you. I hope very much that it was worth the wait!

University was ending all too soon and the anxiety of entering the actual world now was almost debilitating. Luckily I did an internship over the summer and the company liked me so much that they asked me to work for them once I graduated. Still the thought of bills, taxes, all that un-fun adult stuff that comes with growing up was now being thrust upon me all at once. Luckily , I still had your best friend Peter Parker. He really was the only thing keeping me sane, and vise versa. For instance , I was one of the only people who knew his secret identity , his double life. After school and on most weekends he was the one and only spiderman. Unfortunately with that came a few drawbacks, including injures and burnout. I was there though, I would tell him to take breaks when I could tell he was over exerting himself and tend to his wounds when he came back all bloody and broken. We were best friends, but I wanted to be so much more. I had gotten an apartment off campus the last year and we had been living together the past year, so I kind of got my wish. We would snuggle up during movie nights, I’d hold him while he cried about a person he was unable to save, help him study. In return he’d clean the house while I was gone, pick up coffee for morning classes, Hold me till I fell asleep when the nightmares got to me. I knew the issue, and her name is Gwen Stacy. He loved her and couldn’t save her, and it broke him. Now even the thought of relationships scared him. I gave him space because I knew this wasn’t easy for him but deep down I was aware I couldn’t go on like this forever. I wanted him to be mine so badly, and it looked like that’s not what he wanted, and while I didn’t want to give him an ultimatum , I did need to distance myself.

“ Hey, are you busy tonight,” Peter asked me as I stepped through the door. I was a bit shocked, it was one of his spiderman days and instead of his spidy suit he was in , an actual suit. “ Whats going on,” I asked a bit skeptical. “ I got invited to a very fancy party and there is no one I wanted to go with more than you,” He said with that grin that made my heart melt. I wanted to say no, but I couldn’t, this was the last time i swear, “ I’ll be ready in twenty minuets.”

I walked out in my favorite outfit, a red dress that clung snugly to my body and had a slit up the side. I had put on a simple make up look with deep red lipstick and had some simple jewelry that looked pricey but you actually got on amazon in bulk. Peters eyes widened and he began to look a bit flustered. “ You okay,” I said gently placing a hand on his shoulder. He nodded and patted his pockets frantically, “ yes, oh yeah you know me , I’m right as rain, cool as a cucumber .” I chuckled and rolled my eyes, “ ooookay.” He opened the door and we went out into the night.

As we walked to wherever this party was I tried my best to enjoy the moment. I focused on the witty banter, the cool wind on my neck, the dazzling stars, his smile, anything to distract me from the conversation we would have to have when it was all over. “ Hey , remember when we went on the carousel over here,” Peter laughed walking over to the dark carousel that stood in the middle of a beautiful park. I smiled and remembering how I insisted he needed to break out his inner child to relax a bit. We ended up riding it multiple times acting like it was a race. Some people thought we were drunk and we were asked to leave. “ yes , from my recollection I won that race.” “ I think we need a redo,” He insisted. “ Aren’t we going to be late for the party,” I questioned. He shook his head, “ we left early enough, come on.” I shrugged ,slipped off my heels, and hopped the small fence with him.

We both chose a horse and began yelling like we were race announcers, “ BLUE IS COMING UP BEHIND YELLOW, OH NO IT LOOKS LIKE THE END FOR THEM...WAIT LOOK AT THAT SKILL THE MOVES, YELLOW HAS TAKEN THE LEAD ONCE AGAIN AND AND YELLOW WINS!!!” We were both laughing so hard, I felt tears slide down my face and accidentally said out loud, “ why can’t life always be like this.” Peter froze and I blushed, “ sorry, I didn’t mean to say that out loud.” He shook his head and helped me down off the horse and slowly led me to another side of the carousel that had a blanket spread out and was peppered with little fairy lights and flowers. “Peter...what,” I started but he shook his head bringing me to the center. “ I’ve been running for too long, trying everything In my power to stop any relationships from happening, thinking it be easier. It wasn’t. When you first talked to me in class I knew I’d never be able to stay away from you. You were too bubbly and helpful too beautiful. I decided that if I kept you close without any romance that that would let me protect you without you getting hurt. But, geez, i’ve fallen for you, and I know you have for me too. When you told me the first time it did scare me and it still scares me, but I can’t let you go, i’m sorry i’m selfish and I cant let you go.” Peter kneeled in front of me and my eyes welled up with tears, “ Peter..” “ Would you do me the honor of marrying me,” He asked softly pulling out a tiny box with the most gorgeous rose quartz ring you had ever seen. I bit my lip and nodded quickly, “ yes…. Yes a million times yes.” I tackled him in a hug and we fell to the ground giggling. He parted our embrace slightly, “ I love you so much.” I beamed ,” I love you too.” He smiled and gently pressed his lips against mine. I felt my heart pound in my chest, this is everything I wanted and more. When we parted again he placed the ring on my finger and we laid on the blanket , talking more animatedly now. “ There was no party was there,” I asked. “ No there is….what month did you want the wedding to be,” He smirked. I gently smacked his sholder and pulled him into another kiss.

[sapphirestuff]

Could we please get some relationship headcanons for Ann, Makoto, Futaba, Haru and Sumire from Persona 5?

Characters: Ann Takamaki, Makoto Nijima, Futaba Sakura, Haru Okumura, Sumire Yoshizawa

Tags: gn! reader, headcannons, p5r phantom thief girls

A/n: Ofc anon! So sorry for the long delay, comeback post and first persona content yeay!

‘Ann Takamaki’

Crepe dates after school!

She will take you to her jobs and introduce you as her lover

You even sometimes get to know a crew job from her

Tho dating a model means a lot of shopping

But she will buy you some clothes too! A model's s/o gotta look fabuluos too yknow

Shiho will definitely likes you platonically! A person Ann knows is a good person after all

She makes you read her magazines

Sometimes she feels insecure if you're reading a magazine with another pretty girl, especially if the model once pissed her off (ahem i forgot her name in the social link alwihebwpq)

If she feels insecure, cheer her up! Or buy her some sweets

Takes you to a salon pretty often

Manicure, some massage, or just style your hairs differently

She always feels alone because her parents aren't in the same house as her, so you gotta make sure to always be there for her!

‘Makoto Nijima’

She has less experience about relationship stuff, so make sure you're an understanding person for her!

Will always make sure you do good in school

Bad grades because of slacking off? Get ready for full on study sesion and lecture

Or bad grades because you really aren't good at it? She'll comfort you and make sure to teach you so that you could do better next time

Good grades tho? Will be proud of you, and sometimes gives you a lil kiss as a reward (or you just beg her to kiss you)

Tho the relationship may be a lil too strict because of her sister, you two manage

You will go to the library at lunch break to study with her

Will sometimes tell you about her dreams, and helps you to find your real passion and reach your dream as well!

Keep a low profile at school tho! Don't wanna to have a gosip around

'Futaba Sakura'

Did i mention Makoto has less dating experience? This one literally has no SOCIAL experience ever

You gotta get Sojiro to accept your relationship tho! He'll be a great wingman for you two if he likes you

No touching without consent tho! So you'll have to wait for her if you want to hug or hold hands with her

Your dates will probably be just at Leblanc, but that doesn't mean it won't be fun tho

Board games, video games, she'll play them with you

And if she wins, give her a headpat so that she doesn't get cocky:)

Will take a lot of courage for her to have a date with you outside, so give her some reassurance!

She oftens likes to rant or vent to you, so keep your ears up!

'Haru Okumura'

Rich fluff girl aewoamoehw

She won't gaf if her dad disagrees with your relationship (or he's dead lol)

Tho if her dad passed away, make sure to give her some support, running a big company on herself ain't easy

If some employees of her been caught gossiping about you two, she won't hesitate:D

Will always make sure her partner gets the best treatment

She'll teach you a lil bit about running her company, and sometimes even trust you to help her

Gardening together! You two grew a garden together both at her house and your house

From flowers, plants, trees, you two took care of it with care

Tho maybe your relationship ain't gonna be that easy

Haru's a well known socialite, so it'd be bad if people found out she's dating a commoner

If you're a socialite yourself tho, it's not a problem

'Sumire Yoshizawa'

Will train gymnastics with you, maybe even teaching you the basics

She cooks lunch for you! Gotta make sure you're healthy:)

She may be not the best cook, but she's trying

Random dancing! Sometimes she started dancing out of nowhere (not in public ofc if your uncomfortable) for you to join in!

You better come to her performances, she'll do amazing and you'll cheer for her when she got 1st prize

When she got a burnout (yknow from training and her past) just be with her! Let her vent to you until she feels better

She's a great help when it comes to exercising! She'll motivate you to do something light until it get a lil heavier

And a great diet coach!

Her fave dating spot is that baseball cage in shibuya

And maybe a lil walk on town

[ivyandink]

Hi, Cara! I've been feeling a little stuck with my writing, and since you have written for both sims and a novel, I thought you might be a good person to ask, if that's okay. 1) How did you format your writing when planning sims posts? (screenplay, prose, etc.) 2) How do you keep yourself motivated to work on writing? (sims or not) 3) How do you deal with or prevent burnout? Thank you so much! (Also, how's your novel going??)

Aw I love this ask 😭😭😭 Might be a monster answer, sorry y'all lol. Below a cut for courtesy :)

How do I format sims posts – So if it's for a pure story post (i.e. not gameplay oriented) I always start with the idea for the scene first. From there, I'd loosely format the dialogue (I wouldn't necessarily always write it fully) and any other written info that need to be included!

Depending on the post, and tbh depending on my mood/phase at the time lol, I would bounce between dialogue only on the photo posts, dialogue on images with prose in the post body to support, or fully prose. Like, if there was a lot of internal things I wanted to communicate that I couldn't get across via dialogue, I would write prose style. I personally was never a big fan of writing screenplay style (i.e. Bob growls: Whatever you say Eliza!). I gave it a shot and I didn't vibe w it so I didn't do it again 🤷‍♀️

And then based on the direction I'm taking the writing for the post, I'd know what shots to get! i.e. for dialogue-based scenes, you need a lot more shots, than for something that will be fully-prose. Sometimes if I was feeling lazy or couldn't find the right poses, I'd write prose style to communicate what the scene was lacking visually.

How do I stay motivated– Honestly, this answer varies for sims stuff vs my novel! For my sims stories, I really just went off of when I felt that natural motivation 😂 So because of that I posted really inconsistently, lol. I did try and use the queue feature to my advantage– when I hit a good stride, I'd make sure to schedule posts out over a while rather than dump them all at once, so there'd be less of a post "lull". But other than that, I wrote simblr stories purely for fun, so if it didn't feel fun I didn't do it 🤷‍♀️ Or i'd like throw in a wacky plot if things felt a lil stale (hi remember when Levi randomly had a baby bc of a virtual coin flip lmao). For my novel, I'm currently working on getting my motivation for it BACK rn 😂 I took a pretty decent break from it to work on finalizing all the deets for our wedding, and to focus on my design business! But honestly, the biggest help for me for my novel has been PLANNING. It's a lot easier to motivate yourself to write when you know what TO write. I've seen some people suggest to never stop a writing session at the end of a scene/chapter– at the very least, knock out the first part of the next scene, because that takes advantage of your current moment AND makes it easier to come back to next time, because you're not starting from nothing for that scene.

Dealing with Burnout– Honestly, just REST. And let it be okay to read. If you spend your entire rest period feeling bad or beating yourself up it doesn't ACTUALLY count as rest!!!!

I'll say it again for the people in the back

If you spend your entire rest period feeling bad or beating yourself up it doesn't ACTUALLY count as rest!!!!

For something like simblr, tbh just let it go for a few weeks and come back when it feels fun. Switch things up. Try posting something else for a bit. Start a story, do a few fun scenes, and never finish it. Whatever feels exciting, FOLLOW THAT ITCH!

This is a hobby at the end of the day– the moment is stops feeling enjoyable or like it is fulfilling a goal you have, it's time to take a pause. There is definitely value in cultivating discipline around even our hobbies (I personally have a very....... easily distracted personality type??? Idk. but i give up on stuff easily due to shiny object syndrome lol and tht is something I have to and WANT to actively be working on, personally) but you don't want to push yourself TOO hard that it effects you negatively! Don't put too much pressure on yourself. :) Always, always extend grace to yourself. Whether it's a hobby, a job, or anything else in life. We all deserve rest.

Update on my novel– First off, thanks for asking! 😭❤️ It's..... going! Lmao. I got about 18k words in, and now i've decided to tweak the plot a little bit, which is both incredible and annoying 😂 Currently resisting going back to it, bc I haven't decided if I want to just keep going with it, or go back and restart with the new plot switch.

Tbh, working on a novel is THE most fulfilling creative endeavor I've taken on (aside from my business, but that's a wholeeee other beast lol and more work, less play haha) and it has been so freaking cool watching it grow and develop and morph and REALLY turn into a real story 😭 And as annoying as it is every time things change (I've literally replotted this thing like 15 times lmaoo one day I'll have to share all the plot iterations i've been thru bc it is NUTS how far we've come 😂) it is also really, really neat bc I really feel like I'm chipping away at something real– not something just floating in my head. I read a metaphor once that writing a novel is like a sculptor chipping away at a hunk of clay. It takes a while, but each pass thru, it looks more and more like the thing.

I've also been trying to read a LOT more (up to like 13 books so far this year 😎 ) specifically in the genre I'm writing, and I can already feel how much better I've got at crafting a story because of that, which is exciting, and I just really can't wait to have a finished freaking product in hand that reflects all that lol.

––––

I hope you don't regret sending your ask since I literally wrote you a novel in response 😂 It's just ~who I am~. I hope my answers were a lil helpful for your questions, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to gush about my novel a bit! 🥰 Maybe this will motivate me to work on it this week hehe.

[blursed-ninjago-ideas]

I deliberately left some scenes out because I didn’t feel like writing them, and other things I just took shortcuts on cause I have a huge headache, but I want this done.

Hydra is Nya’s hero name with the dragon miraculous. 

--

He was debating what to name his latest Akuma. A jealous girl that resented her best friend’s boyfriend. The two were having a very explosive fight in the middle of the park by Collège Françoise Dupont.

Honestly Hawkmoth wasn’t sure which one he was going to get. They were both pretty upset. His little butterfly was heading straight for the fight, until it suddenly turned and changed course.

Sighing, Hawkmoth was pretty sure he knew what was happening, again.

Kai Smith happened to be walking past. The boy was a walking Akuma trap. It was a frustrating waste of his time and resources. If he could just figure out how to harness Kai’s emotions, the boy would be the most powerful weapon against the heroes. But Kai was too stubborn and spontaneous to control. He was so easy to akumatize. Hawkmoth didn’t have to do hardly any work to get him to surrender. He was just so set and focused on his own goals that Hawkmoth couldn’t get him to bother with the miraculous.

The Akuma settled itself into the pendant of a necklace Kai was wearing, and Hawkmoth was already calling the day a wash, but then the empathy link showed him something new.

It was a different than usual.

Kai felt…fragile. He wasn’t focused on any sort of goal. His emotions weren’t from worry or ambition, it was just raw and directionless.

It wasn’t like he had anything to lose, and it could turn out to be a worthy experiment.

-

Kai fiddled with his pendant again. It had become a handy fidget to have. Chloe had made it for him, it turned out she really loved making jewelry and seemed to have a knack for it. He was so proud of her and seeing how excited she got to show off a new piece made his heart melt a little. There was no pride or approval seeking, just pure excitement. She didn’t do it for attention, just to share the happiness she had for it.

It was a far cry from her old attempts at creative pursuits, only doing things she thought would impress, regardless of her own feelings.

Course all the growth on Chloe’s part came at a price, and Nya was the one that paid it. Kai hadn’t meant to neglect her. He just didn’t think she still needed him that much. Chloe was so young and in need of guidance, he had thought Nya was mature enough to not need him. But he should’ve really thought about how much it would hurt to not see him as much. Nya may’ve not needed his care or guidance, but she still needed his company. He was her big brother and the only constant she had growing up; it was cruel to take that away from her. Even if it wasn’t on purpose.

And Lloyd of course would always need Kai. That was his job. It was literally a written destiny that Kai would be there for Lloyd while he fought to protect others as the green ninja. Lloyd had suffered plenty and would probably always need Kai as an emotional crutch. He faced trauma and near-death experiences on the regular. If Kai and the others weren’t there to help him feel safe and loved, there was no way anyone, even Lloyd, could go through all that and not break.

But that left three people that needed Kai to be there for them, and there was only so much of him to go around.

He didn’t want to make that their problem. He toughed it out. He pushed himself. He could keep it up for a little longer. He could do a little more.

Nya had ideas for some new vehicles and wanted Kai’s help with them. It was a good way to spend some quality time and, her own confession, Kai was the better welder

Chloe wanted him to set up a challenge for her to test how far she’d come. It was a good idea, a concrete way to self-reflect and a tangible show of progress.

Lloyd had talked him into helping with a school project. It was nice to see Lloyd doing something that wasn’t life and death stakes.

He didn’t know how in the world he let Adrien talk him into modeling, but that was also on his plate.

It felt like there was a deadening static in his head that he had to force all his thoughts through, a buzzing not unlike an alarm. He had noticed his hands had started to spasm at random points. He wasn’t sure how concerned he should be about that.

Like many things, Kai ignored it. He had things he had to do and people that were depending on him. He had no time to deal with it. It could wait.

He was on his way to meet up with Lloyd, but he had to leave in time to make lunch with Nya, and he had to figure out what to do for Chloe, not to mention he had an early morning photoshoot the next day so he needed to get some sleep for that and probably should shower before it.

His hands found their way to his pendant again. He was pulling it back and forth on the chain, making a rhythmic zipping noise as it pulled on the chain links.

“I’M A PERSON! I DON’T HAVE TO BE AT YOUR BECK AND CALL!”

Kai cringed.

“IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL MAKING TIME FOR ME? ANY TIME! AT ALL? I’M SO SORRY IT’S SUCH A CHORE TO HANG OUT WITH ME.”

“Please don’t make an Akuma” Kai though to himself as he passed the fighting girls.

The shouting back and forth was not doing good things for his nerves. He was trying to take even breaths to counter it, but they just kept screaming.

Kai squeezed his eyes shut and pressed forward. He’d get away soon enough, go help Lloyd, maybe help the heroes if that fight attracted an Akuma, meet up with Nya, then head back to Le Grand Paris and brainstorm with Chloe, then hopefully go to bed, then get up, shower, go model for a while, he should probably take the opportunity to talk to Adrien about Chloe, the backstory someone that grew up with her would know might help him with her, and maybe ask about how Lloyd is doing while he’s there.

Probably should do a quick evaluation of Adrien’s mental health too. From what he’d heard from Lloyd, Adrien may need someone to be there for him too.

AND THE GUYS!

He had completely forgotten to check in with the others! Zane, Cole, and Jay! He needed to check on them too, plus he wanted to see them!

Kai was so busy planning out his tasks that he didn’t see the uneven sidewalk. He realized that he’d tripped as soon as he started to fall, but instead of catching himself, his brain decided that it wanted to do nothing instead. The wind got knocked out of him when he limply hit the ground.

Kai opened his eyes and started at the ground ahead of him. Normally he’d get up and brush himself off, and he would in a minute, but some reason he just kept staring ahead. The static stopping him from making any movements.

He felt like screaming, or even crying. He was in pain and he had just fallen down. It wasn’t a big deal, but it felt like Kai was fighting to keep himself in check and not have a full meltdown. The static in his head was blocking any attempts to steady himself.

He was gathering his courage to stand back up and keep going when a familiar butterfly flew to him.

Kai breathed rapidly, trying not to panic, or breakdown, or cry.

“A bit stressed are we?”

Kai didn’t respond, he just kept trying to breathe.

“Stretched too thin. Too many things you have to juggle. There’s nothing more to give is there?”

Kai felt like he was drowning already. Hawkmoth’s intrusion was pushing him passed his breaking point.

“You know who I am and what I want. I’ll give you the ability to make everything go away, all I ask for in return is Ladybug and Chat Noir’s miraculous. What do you say, Burnout?”

Kai’s eye twitched at the name. Why did it feel right? Why did it feel right? He was drowning under his own emotions and Hawkmoth already seemed to have a handle on it all. There were two options. He could continue to fight and struggle, or he could just give up and have some relief.

There was nothing Kai could tell himself that would make the fight look worth the effort.

“Yes Hawkmoth.”

-

Adrien ducked behind another tree, hoping to get the opportunity to transform, but the tree vanished into smoke against his back, leaving a nasty scorch mark behind.

Adrien had barely got a look at the new Akuma, he couldn’t tell who it was yet, but they knew his name.

Black smudges came down from his eyes and stained his dark grey, ash colored skin. He was wearing a long smokey cloak that seemed to be made of the stuff at the end, a small gold pendant in the shape of a small flame clasped it closed at the neck. Fingerless gloves shot out black fiery blasts and he was slightly blurred with his edges ending in smoke trails.

He looked like the personification of the aftermath of a forest fire.

Adrien jumped behind a bench and coughed from the smoke.

“What’s your deal? Campfire go out?” Adrien tried to taunt, hoping to get the reason for the akumatization out of him.

“I’ve burned too bright for too long and given too much of myself. Well now I’m going to make everything go away.”

Adrien finally caught on to the fire symbolism. It was too strong, even for Hawkmoth. Something was wrong. One more look at the spikey hair Adrien had written off as part of the costume and it clicked.

Adrien knew he recognized the clasp on the cloak. It was the pendant he’d seen Chloe working on. Adrien knew exactly who she made it for.

“Kai.” Adrien said, dodging the next blackened blast.

“It’s Burnout now.”

Adrien tried to get out of sight a few more times, but Burnout just blasted every hiding place he found. He only could grab a few seconds out of sight, if he was lucky. Not enough to transform, but maybe enough to do something else.

“Plagg.” Adrien said, lifting his shirt to let the kwami out.

“What are-“

Adrien cut him off, taking his ring off.

“Find Lloyd. We need Ninja Noir for this.” Adrien said, handing the ring to his kwami.

Plagg almost argued but thought better of it.

“I guess he’d be better for this job anyways.” Plagg said, darting off.

-

Lloyd managed to get away from the panicking crowd, wondering if he needed to help out with this one, when Plagg floated right into his face.

“Plagg?”

“Ninja Noir.”

“What happened to Adrien?” Lloyd asked, reaching for the ring.

“Doesn’t matter. Lloyd, it’s Kai.”

Lloyd gently pushed the ring onto his finger.

“Then this should be pretty easy. Ladybug might not even need me.” Lloyd laughed.

Kai’s akumatization were almost always joke. Give him what he wanted, and he practically surrendered his akumatized object.

Plagg shook his head though.

“No, Kiddo, this is different.”

“What do you mean?” Lloyd asked, trying to not panic

“I mean this isn’t his usual stuff. I think Hawkmoth might’ve really gotten to hi this time.”

Lloyd’s eyes went wide.

“Plagg, Claws out!”

-

Chat Noir wasn’t showing up. She was pretty sure she knew what it was going to tell her, but she used her lucky charm just to be certain.

A painting she knew was in Fu’s home. She needed reinforcements.

She was on her way to go find wielders for the two miraculous she grabbed when she ran right into Ninja Noir.

“Ninja Noir!” she yelped, helping him stand back up. “I’m so glad you’re here. It’s Kai again, but something is different this time.”

“So I’ve heard.” Ninja Noir said as he brushed himself off.

“Lucky Charm said we needed reinforcements. I grabbed the Bee and the Dragon. I’m thinking Chloe would be a good choice since she knows Kai and has used the Bee Miraculous before. For the Dragon I was thinking maybe Lloyd?”

Ninja Noir coughed.

“Um…No good with Lloyd. He’s caught up somewhere, saw him on the way over. How about we divide and conquer. I think I could get this to his sister.”

“That’s probably a good idea. She should know him pretty well.” Ladybug said, passing Ninja Noir the Dragon Miraculous.

-

“I don’t need another needy little brat hanging off me!” Burnout shouted as he flung Ninja Noir off of him.

Lloyd tried to not let it show how personal the remark was. Kai didn’t know it was him under the mask.

“We need a plan!” Hydra said.

“Now might be a good time for a Lucky Charm!” Beatrix said as she pulled Hydra out of the line of fire.

Ladybug jumped off the roof to dodge another blast, rolling when she hit the ground and flinging herself upright as she yelled

“LUCKY CHARM!”

A camera.

Ladybug started to look around for anything that stood out.

A gargoyle, an empty ledge across the street where another one used to be before Burnout got rid of it, Beatrix’s top, Ninja noir, Hydra, and the mirrored windows on the office building.

“Got it.” She said, shoving her teammates in the directions of where they needed to go, giving them a brief rundown of their parts as she did.

Burnout came flying around the corner just after Ladybug got her trap set.

“Water Dragon!” Hydra yelled, soaking Burnout before he could line up any shots.

“Say cheese!” Ladybug yelled, clicking the camera and blinding him with the flash.

While Burnout tried to clear his eyes and figure out how to attack again, Beatrix came swinging in from behind the gargoyle, holding Ninja Noir.

“Cataclysm!” he yelled as he swung by, taking out the pendant and freeing the Akuma.

Ladybug quickly caught it while Beatrix caught a now detransformed Kai on her swing back.

“Miraculous Ladybug!” Ladybug yelled, throwing the camera in the air.

The magic ladybugs swept across Paris, bringing back everything Burnout had made “go away”.

“What? What happened!?” Kai yelled, trying to stand up, only to fall down on his unsteady legs.

“You were akumatized.” Ladybug explained.

“KAI!” Jay yelled form down the street. “Are you ok?!?”

Cole and Zane were not far behind him and the three were running full speed towards their friend.

“Well I’d better get going.” Hydra said.

“Yeah, me too. I’ll take your miraculous.” Ninja Noir added.

The two jetted off in the same direction.

“I…That was…..what did I do?” Kai finally asked.

“Nothing that couldn’t be fixed.” Ladybug assured him.

Kai didn’t look comforted.

“What got you akumatized anyways?” Beatrix asked.

“I…um….”

“You stressed yourself out again didn’t you?” Zane snapped.

“What?” Kai said.

“Ugh! You Always do this Kai! You are allowed to tell people no, you know!” Jay ranted

“I know that! Besides that wasn’t like that at-“

“Do you? Because sometimes you’re determined to take on more than you can handle!” Cole scolded with a hint of concern.

A beep from Ladybug’s earring interrupted them.

“Um…”

Beatrix nodded to her.

“I didn’t use my ability. I can keep this under control here while you go recharge.”

Ladybug looked a little hesitant, but another beep from her earrings and she was running off with a promise to be back soon.

As she left, Nya came running around the corner.

“Kai!” she yelled, while she tackled him in a hug “I was so worried! Are you ok?”

“I’m fine.” Kai said as he gently pushed her off.

“You’re not!” Jay snapped.

“You were akumatized!” Cole added.

“Everybody gets akumatized!” Kai huffed, crossing his arms.

“Yes, but that was significantly more destructive than usual, meaning you were feeling stronger negative emotions.” Zane said.

“Hey guys! Sorry I’m late, I got stuck. Is Kai ok?” Lloyd said, running to them from another street.

“I’m fine!” Kai yelled.

“Stop it!” Zane said.

“You don’t have to fix everything for everyone.” Cole begged.

“I told you guys I was fine!”

“Kai please.” Nya begged.

“I SAID I WAS FINE!”

Beatrix rolled her eyes and made a move.

“Venom!”

And Kai was frozen.

“What did you do that for!?” Jay yelled.

Beatrix put a hand on her hip.

“No you guys can lecture him about selfcare without him arguing. You’ve got five minutes, make the most of it.” She said.

“Oh.” Jay said in surprise.

Ladybug came back into the middle of an improv intervention.

“And I should’ve been a better sister. I was being selfish and demanding and I should know better than that. Sometimes it’s just hard to accept that I don’t have you all to myself anymore. You know I’ve never been great at sharing.” Nya laughed, with tears in her eyes “But you need to tell me ‘no’ sometimes! I need to hear it, Kai. You can’t just let me push you like this; you have to tell me when you’re hurting!”

“Um….” Ladybug muttered.

“We’re just about done.” Beatrix said.

“You can’t just hide ailments from us, and that includes mental and emotional fatigue.” Zane added.

“Alright, I think my work here is done. See you all next time I’m needed!” Beatrix said, grabbing Ladybug’s arm and leading her away.

-

“You may’ve won this time, Ladybug. But now I know something I didn’t know before.” Hawkmoth said to himself.

He’d finally figured out how to weaponize Kai Smith. That boy was going to deliver him the miraculous if he wanted to or not. It was only a matter of time before Hawkmoth got the perfect champion out of him.

“It will require a very precise touch, but this boy will be my greatest weapon!”

--

so yeah, that’s done.

-Ivy

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Hey, I'm doing good too. Just normal amounts of stressful stuff right now. Just moved to a country I've never been to before but can't complain, things are not as hard as the last time I did this so. Thanks for asking! Yeah, I saw you posting about some pretty scary health issues before, I'm glad you came out of that alive and hope you're healthier now!

The nerve some people have! Haha I know I would be pissed if people were questioning my intelligence like that especially after a couple of drinks in haha. Though I do like taunting people when I play group games, I'll be like "don't need to try that hard guys, you're gonna lose anyway" just to mess with them or just call people sore losers if they accuse me of cheating haha (they're probably right on the accusations tho). People get real mad sometimes it's kinda funny. 😂

Omg literally laughed out loud reading this! Hahaha, how did you manage to fall over a road sign then end up in a ditch? lol omg hope you didn't get hurt too bad 😂 I was trying to downplay my drunken escapades but since you shared yours I should tell you my worst one:

I was at this summer street party at night and got drunk on something made out of tropical herbs and cachaça (which is about 48% alcohol), drank 3 and a half bottles of that like it was apple juice, made friends with a bunch of strangers in a bathroom queue (who tried to talk to me weeks later but I had no idea who they were), had to be held by my best friend while I peed (mostly missing the toilet), fell in the middle of the street and scraped my knee, threatened this boy who was helping me walk and told him not to try anything funny or I would beat him up, then dragged my friends to the beach and left them shortly after to go make out with my ex, came back with lipstick all over my mouth and chin and when my friends asked what I was doing I said I was just talking to my ex and they were like NO YOU WERE NOT, hahaha then I kissed all my girl friends on a dare and we danced under the full moon, then I told my best friend I had to puke so she took me to the ocean but I changed my mind and happened to step on a dead turtle on the way back and started crying bc of it, but last month my best friend told me it was a rock I had stepped on (I believed it was a dead turtle for 7 years!). Had the worst hangover of my life the next day. ✌️✨

Ah I'm happy you liked it! I've never listened to Six musical before but it sounds fun! I can see why you like it haha made me want to dance around my apartment 💃. And hey if liking musicals is your thing then it's great, I'm sure Hozier will understand if he's not your top artist of the year. 😋 Here's my "damie" Pinterest board if you or anyone else wants to check it out, totally recommend making one if you're a visual person like me!

https://pin.it/UcHVlkq

Oh I could talk about Dani and Jamie forever I think. I love the beast in the jungle speech too and it's so painful to watch, VP delivered that beautifully, but I have to admit I'm always a crying mess from episode 1 when older Jamie starts reciting that song about being sad while waiting for her lover to return, this show is fucking cruel I hate it and love it at the same time hahaha. Omg your mom 😂 but I mean it's truly an honor to be compared to someone like Dani, no? She's really great even if she needs a little help haha (don't we all).

Aaah you're amazing! Thank you so much, I'll read this pirate AU soon!

I used to draw a lot, really loved doing it when I was a kid as I said before, and all throughout adulthood too but I haven't done that in almost a year now bc I've got a bit of a case of burnout I guess, it just takes a lot of effort to do it when it shouldn't be like that at all. I used to do fanart too, for other fandoms. Even made one for Dani x Jamie but ended up not liking how it turned out haha. I've got a lot of respect for writers and fanfic writers also! Yall can make words make sense in really interesting and beautiful ways, build worlds so enthralling I can see them vividly in my head. Writing is such an incredibly fascinating skill to have! And I guess the most important thing is that we enjoy doing these things right? Even if we think we're not particularly good at it.

Anyway, have a lovely weekend! 👋✨

Good I'm glad you're doing great but sorry you're dealing with stressful stuff!! Hope living in a new country goes well for you I'm so jealous that you've lived in different countries I'd love to live somewhere else even if just for s few years!! Awwh thank you so much I definitely came out of it alive and am feeling so much better now thank you I mean I do some pretty ditzy things so when people say it to me it's pretty deserved sometimes, I'm secretly smart and people just don't expect it so I never mind too much haha I might have to start saying the things that you do and just taunting them over it I mean, I usually do win even when they make me answer different questions so I will definitely have to start saying things like that to them Haha I love that you're just like "yeah they're probably right in their accusations" I agree seeing how mad some people get over games and stuff is funny (it's me I'm people I hate loosing games depending on what it is and I am very competitive) So it was very dark and all we had for light was my roommates flashlight on her phone but while we were walking home a friend of ours that lived else where kept texting her to make sure we were still safe (my phone as dead at this point) so while she was texting him her flashlight was facing down and someone had moved this road sign to the footpath and it was on that sits on the floor so while I couldn't see it I walked into it and fell over it but while I feel I grabbed hold of it and flipped with it and fell in a ditch with it on top of me... I was fine and was just laid laughing while my friend looked down at me and in the most northern accent ever just said "get up you dickhead." and helped me off of the floor and then asked if I was okay... and I was so it was all good!! Haha 😂 I love this drunken story that sounds like one hell of a night and is a roller coaster from start to finish!! I'm sorry you thought you had stood on a dead turtle for 7 years though, someone really should've told you that it was just a rock!! But that sounds like my kind of night!! I love nights like that... stories that will last a life time... the only down side is the hangover... luckily I have only ever had one hang over in my life and it wasn't the morning after the road sign fiasco... I felt surprisingly good the morning after that haha 😂 It's such a good musical it's about Henry VIII wives and I just love everything to do with his wives and that musical is so much fun and actually gives a little insight to the lives the six Tudor queens had away from Henry and with him because at school we're mainly just taught about him which sucks!! I loved the Hozier song and am definitely gonna have to listen to more of his stuff!! I love musicals so much I mainly listen to musical soundtracks at the minute- usually, Legally Blonde and Six on repeat haha 😂 Ooo thank you I will definitely check out this Pinterest board thanks for sending it to me!! I could talk about them forever too... since watching Bly Manor my niece has been asking me so many questions about it and I am more than happy to talk to her about it haha!! The beast in the jungle speech just breaks my heart every time I relate to it so much and VP just delivers it so beautifully!! Oh yeah now I know at the beginning that it's older Jamie I am just a wreck the whole show is just so beautiful and heart breaking at the same time I LOVE IT!! Even though it makes me sob- I keep putting myself through it!! I mean, yeah I was happy that she said it Dani is great but it was the way she said it... my mum can be something else sometimes... she said she thought Dani was like me the first time she does the accent when she says "I've fallen quite in love with London" because I just randomly do accents a lot too but it was the way she was like "She needs help... but I like her she reminds me of you" I was just like... "Should I go get help?" I still don't know the answer to my question about if I need help or not but I mean I probably do need it You're welcome I really hope you like it!! It's a

great fic I love it!! Yeah I get that if stuff starts taking too much effort and burns you out you're not gonna wanna keep doing it so it's understandable that you stopped!! I think fan art is great and I really would love to be able to do it myself but I just don't have the skill it takes!! Awwh it's a shame you didn't like the Dani x Jamie one you did I would've loved to have seen it!! Honestly there are so many talented writers out there and when I read their fics I am just in awe of the worlds they have built and the stories they have created we are so blessed in this fandom to have so many amazing writers and so many amazing fics out there Oh yeah definitely its important to enjoy what you do!! I know I love writing and love writing fics for Dani and Jamie so I think I'll be doing it for a while even if I'm not great at it haha Awwh thank you very much I hope you have a great weekend too!! ☺️

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Making music with bebop gyroids

Musical gyroids galore! Kelly, Ned, Gutsy, Livvy, and Lulu are here with us to enjoy the sunny weather and make some fun musical instruments. The gyroids were designed by Daisy Jane and Kelly with some input from Ned and Goldie - and they look (and sound) so awesome!

It's been so bright and sunny these past couple of days, it feels kinda unusual. Looks like the sunshine's come out early this year! No shorts yet, but we've pulled out the sunglasses, where I finally get to use my new shades Daisy Jane got for me. Pretty and functional is how I like it - though I'm pretty sure that Daisy Jane spent quite a bit on these sunglasses - not that I'm complaining as they're really good at what they're supposed to do. I feel so cool and badass wearing them!

With Livvy home for spring break, she and Gutsy figured, what better place to spend a short vacation than at a camp? Gutsy always wanted to drop by to visit us since we came to Charm Villa to see her a while back. And of course, she had to bring little Lulu along to explore the great outdoors with her. Good thing they chose to come during a campsite event! What better way to be introduced to the camp than a gyroid adventure?

Since the Coloratura Jazz Band Festival last year Kelly and Daisy Jane began working on gyroid designs inspired by the festival. Kelly really has a way with instrument designs, coming up with interesting ideas like an electric cello in the shape of a treble clef or a harpsichord that looks like one of those cool antique desks. That's why gyroid events are so much fun - you can craft so many creative things with them!

Joining Kelly is her best friend Ned, her partner in crime. They've been friends since high school, often attracting trouble although things end up working out in the end. Coincidentally, Kelly's mom is a private investigator and a few years back she worked with Gutsy on a case involving a farm at Cedar Pickett. Kelly and Ned got involved and wound up riding horses along the infamously dangerous canyon trail to catch a criminal. They all remembered each other after all these years as it was an interesting case. It's fascinating how small the world can be sometimes!

Ned, according to Kelly, is a world class baker when it comes to pies. She wasn't exaggerating. He and his dads run a bakery/nightclub called Dub Step Pie Club. Despite the name, it actually looks like a pretty cool place. I should drop by there the next time I visit the island.

At first glance, Kelly and Ned seem like an unlikely duo. In a way, they kinda remind me of Daisy Jane and Almie - the bubbly outgoing one paired with the introverted quiet one. Kelly's the one dragging Ned into her schemes, usually involving her mom's cases. Ned has an unusual connection with the dead, so every once in a while he and Kelly end up with a murder mystery or a ghost with unfinished business. They have a fun dynamic, those two.

In between gyroid hunting sessions, we hung out at the main campsite and did a little baking. Ned taught us how to make pumpkin brownie pecan pie, a specialty at the Dub Step Pie Club. That, along with the cubeyberry pie he brought from home, were some of the best pies I've ever had! Tomorrow we're gonna make peach lolliberry pie, another favorite at the club.

Lulu's so cute when it comes to finding gyroids! Seeing her get excited and waddling around while carrying a gyroid - which looks huge in her little arms - my heart just can't take it! She's also become quite a chatterbox - I love hearing her point out things at the camp and getting excited about everything. Lulu's definitely the type of kid who's not afraid to take a tumble and get her hands dirty. It's so cool to see more of her personality come out, especially now that she's talking. If Lulu keeps this up, I'm pretty sure Kelly's gonna straight up die of cuteness before the end of this event.

Livvy has been enjoying the great outdoors, especially after a stressful couple of weeks at school. She's a business major with a minor in humanities - the latter which kinda happened and she decided to go along with it because, why not? It's more work, but she's not complaining too much because she enjoys the classes. Since going off to college, Livvy started a study/productivity vlog called coffeelivvy, where she posts about study tips as well aesthetic and practical notes. I enjoy watching her videos while journaling, especially her plan with me bullet journal videos.

Gutsy's been busy with Lulu and the cafe. She's into making bread these days so later this week we're gonna make baguettes, which sounds fun! I'll admit, the process of making bread - as in with yeast and proofing and such - sounds kinda intimidating, but with a pro like Gutsy, the process seems less daunting. Since working at the cafe, Gutsy found out that she has a knack for baking as well as making latte art. So along with some decadent pies, we also got to enjoy lattes with the pretty milk foam designs - a winning combo that's perfect for a camping event!

Kelly's on spring break too, a well deserved vacation after a busy semester. She reminds me of Alex and Claire, being the kind of person who does a lot of extracurriculars and manages to be on top of everything academically. Along with being in the Coloratura Jazz Band, Kelly's also a volunteer of the Asian Pride Film Festival, a video editor for Leicester Academy Theater, an RA, and captain of the badminton team. She also plans to take summer classes and go to Amsterdam for the the fall term, graduating in the winter.

Ned, of course, is managing the bakery of Dub Step Pie Club while juggling classes at Seashore Path. After taking a year off due to burnout, he returned for the spring semester, changing his major from English to business marketing. So far Ned finds his second go of college much less stressful than when he first enrolled, which is great to hear. I hope things turn out better for him this time around.

While collecting gyroids at Lost Lure Creek, we ended up taking a detour through the acorn trail. It's one of many places I haven't got to exploring yet so it was the perfect opportunity to finally check it out. Kelly took a bunch of pics of the trees with its warm autumnal colors. This area of the woods looks like it's fall all year round and it looks so pretty! And of course, the trees are full of cute little acorns that we had to take back to the camp.

Later on, while crafting gyroid furniture, we painted the acorns. It's been a long while since I've painted so naturally I was a little rusty at first. The idea for a painting session came about when Kelly mentioned that she and a friend led a Bob Ross style painting event at their dorm building that everyone enjoyed. Peaches and Lolly just bought some new paints so it was the perfect opportunity to try them out. I think my favorite is the acrylic gouache - something about painting with them is so satisfying to me.

Then we hung out at the beach, collecting shells, sea glass, and gyroids. Although it's bright and sunny out, it's not warm enough to go swimming yet. It was nice sitting out there under the warm sun, just hanging out with friends. We also did some fishing, catching some tuna that we later made into poke bowls for dinner. And for dessert, we had cubeyberry pie paired with a bottle of peach wine, courtesy of Gulliver.

Before heading back to the main camp, we dropped by the hangout sites to collect more gyroids before calling it a day. Lulu enjoyed helping out campers by bringing them fruit. I love seeing her chatter away to the campers and talking about fruit. Gutsy says that Lulu isn't afraid of strangers, which we clearly saw as she approached everyone she met. She's a little handful, keeping Gutsy and Livvy on their toes! I swear, you blink for less than a second and next thing you know, Lulu's run clear across the camp and trying to climb a tree or get into the water.

At some point, we got into an impromptu musical session starting with Kelly on the drums. Then Ned joined in with maracas, Livvy and Friga on guitar, Benedict on double bass, Soleil on keyboards, me on the toy piano, and Gutsy and Daisy Jane on percussion. Lulu was so cute dancing along to the music! I think we made a pretty good band - it sure helped passed the time while waiting for the gyroid stuff to be built!

Today we crafted the harpsichord, a galaxy themed dulcimer/synth, and a star shaped hybrid of a ukulele and violin. Like I said earlier, the designs of these instruments are amazing! Plus, they sound fantastic! We had so much fun making music - I can't wait to build more stuff and create even more music!

[ask-professor-laurel]

Have you ever had something happen to you on the job that left a mark? A close call? What’s a busy day like for you? What’s a normal Tuesday?

Oh, many, many times. Being a professor and getting up close and personal with wild Pokemon is dangerous work, not to mention the other little excursions I’ve been on. I’ve got a pretty decent collection of scars at this point, and I’ve had my fair share of close calls.

A normal day looks like me in the lab writing up my reports, walking around and talking through things with other staff, and checking on the Pokemon we have onsite. Sometimes I’m out in the field, like I was today, gathering data. This usually looks like me out there for hours on end, taking notes, sketching, taking breaks to relax with my team and with the wild Pokemon, before heading back to the facility. I have a room there and I stay overnight more often than not. When I’m not working I’m calling my friends, I’m talking to people here, just little things so it’s not all work, work, work. I love my job, but burnout is real and I am not immune to it.

A busy day usually involves fieldwork, but it can also involve finding ourselves in the care of Pokemon unexpectedly. Today was busy because we had to make sure the Shinx stayed calm and didn’t feel threatened so we wouldn’t get hurt if she panicked. Moving days for Pokemon who are staying temporarily are also busy, especially if it’s a delicate situation with a more aggressive Pokemon. We see a lot of those, since we’re an in-between between bad situations and more equipped facilities. I tend to lead on a lot of those because I have a Dragonite who’s much stronger than any person here and she won’t hesitate to assert herself when needed. My favourite kind of busy day is a day where I get to travel and go deal with professor stuff outside of the lab- I love it here, believe me, but travel always comes at a time when I need to get out and get some fresh air. Even if it’s a conference and don’t tell my colleagues this but those can be really boring, and I’m more excited about going and walking around somewhere new for a couple days. 

Like I said, I’ve had a few close calls and they were all on the job. I mentioned a couple and I’ll get to those, but to give you an idea of what being a professor can entail, here’s a couple of stories.

My first close call was doing fieldwork and getting attacked by a wild Arbok. It was territorial, I didn't notice I was close to a nest, and it was my fault entirely. It lunged and clamped down on my shoulder, gave me what holds up as the worst dosage of poison I’ve ever had before Cloudhopper could pry it off and scare it away. Cloudhopper got me to a Pokemon Center but I was running a fever for a few days, which I don’t remember, I just remember waking up. This is, incidentally, the origin of my nervousness around Poison types. I still do counselling for this and it’s what lets me be around smaller Pokemon like Zubat, but I still get apprehensive around Ekans and Arbok. It’s not their fault, but it was a scary experience, and I’m working on it! I still have the scar, big one on my right shoulder where it bit.

Eternatus was the big televised one. I was out of the lab a lot around that time- Sonia needed help at first, and then I got caught up in helping Leon out with trying to figure good ol’ Rose out, and then Rose woke Eternatus up! I had to do something, so I joined Leon in trying to fight it, which went terribly for all of us. I got out of it with some cracked ribs, but Leon was in rough shape and it took him a while to recover, which had me pretty shaken up. I barely slept for a week, honestly. Lucky for us the gym leaders showed when they did, because Leon’s brother and my Pokemon were trying to hold Eternatus off and I don’t think they would’ve lasted long without backup. Didn’t get any scars from that one, like I said I wasn’t seriously hurt, but it was terrifying. I actually took time off work after that one, and anybody who knows me knows how much of a rarity that is.

The closest call I’ve ever had, and this one I barely remember so forgive me, was the Team Rocket bust. I remember running out of there with the Shaymin in my arms, I remember a Rocket admit and a Nidoking, and I remember being in a lot of pain. Then I woke up in a hospital. Leon had to fill me in on what happened, which was that Rocket admin sent her Nidoking after me, it used Rock Slide, and damn near buried me alive. Leon showed up right as they were about to finish the job and got me out of there, but I was in a bad way for a few weeks and it was almost two months before I was back to my regular work. One hell of a concussion and they had to put my left ankle back together with surgery, hence why I need a brace and some days I need a cane. I don’t remember most of this, but I have the scar from a rock hitting me in the head, and my leg aches when it gets colder and when it rains. 

Those were the worst ones. I have quite a few scars, they just don’t tend to show when I’m dressed for work. I’ve got a few bite marks, a few claw marks, the most recent scar is the result of getting hit with a Hyper Beam by a very angry Corviknight in the Slumbering Weald down in Postwick. It’s dangerous work, but it’s what I signed up for. Most things don’t scar, I get bit and scratched all the time, but the more serious ones have left their mark and every mark has a story behind it. 

Seriously, if anybody ever tells you that being a professor is just sitting in a lab all day, they’re so very wrong. Being a professor is staying calm and telling an intern to get a Shroomish to the put the Primeape vice-gripping your wrist to sleep before it snaps you like a chocolate bar. A lot of my time is spent working on data and reports, yes, but I’m also in the field quite a lot and I volunteer for other more dangerous missions because of my experience as a trainer. 

Just cause the faces of the profession tend to be older guys who sit in their labs and give out Pokemon and push out papers doesn’t mean that’s all of us, after all! 

[transrightsjimin]

more ranting abt welfare benefits hell

sorry for whining so much abt income on here, i know it should just be easy nd solveable by applying more for jobs, but the literal issue is that i have no skills or confidence (latter is according to my friend, but the way i cant envision handling any jobs well is jst the truth??) nd still havent gotten any help from the municipality w getting consulted by someone w more knowledge on the job market nd maybe being pushed to take on shitty jobs that at least perhaps pay better than mail delivery. it’s jst so frustrating how i requested welfare benefits over 4 months ago but it only counted since 3 months ago bc they kept fucking up w the requests, promised a payback for the lost month, but didnt, i believe?? now december we got nothing nd probably also january bc our ‘income was too high‘ for the minimum.

uh i side tracked nd forgot where i was going before, but i meant to say tht HALF A YEAR AGO i also requested help w getting help w jobs but bc bureaucratic bullshit it took until DECEMBER to get the help approved. and they would get me a contact person ‘surely before christmas, don’t worry!‘ and then they didn’t and replied they hadn’t forgotten about me and will surely help soon and i’m just. so fucking anxious about this all??

my parents help me financially w cash they gave (nd some of which came from my grandmas) (nd no im not happy w that bc one of them is doing worse financially but still wants to give it away, nd the other is dead nd my uncle gave her left over money to family which feels ironic bc hes a millionaire but only gives a bit from his dead mom??) so that i can buy groceries bc me and my friend’s paychecks + welfare benefits can only cover rent + food and so not also other bills such as for healthcare that i have to make payment plans for. and even w help w groceries i still end up in the negatives, especially last month bc we ‘made too much‘ to receive something. i dont even dare to sell clothing or anything online for money bc that’d only mean ‘income from hobbies’ they could see i have and thus more reason to get stripped from this too.

and that is just the whole issue!! the municipality runs all these checks and forms and calls and appointments and documents you need to hand in, but there is NO calculation determining what you actually need. instead, based on the type of household, we were categorized as fiscal partners without children who receive the benefits together and thus we receive benefits (in the months that we do) to add it up to the ‘living minimum‘ €1500 in total. this amount does not cover our actual expenses, nor does this match inflation or how social housing has been broken down as a system and that real estate owners can increase rent prices as much as they want. there is a monthly grant that tenants could receive for renting a home, but only if it is an apartment AND below 752,33 euros per month (which is when it is considered social housing, above that it’s the ‘free market‘), and that is just virtually impossible?? but we were not once asked if we can actually pay anything and the people meant to help us w benefits just don’t fucking get flex work contracts or how our income over a certain month is received way later in the month after that. like they have a stable job and just dont fucking get that it is not designed well for us.

i think my anxiety over this issue has gotten worse ever since the news came out that a dutch woman on benefits got a €7000 fine because her mom did groceries for her and that’s considered fraud??!! she couldn’t afford food so her mom bought groceries for her but that is also considered financial compensation and thus she got this huge fine, which she probably cannot afford and the fucked up thing w fines from institutions is that they ask interest over it if you don’t pay it in time or enough of it, and give more fines and even charge fees for something like you receiving a letter and they’re just free to pull this shit bc it’s a for-profit business. and that’s how ppl end up w debt and huge loans. it’s just so infuriating nd i really dont want a fine or lose the right to benefits. even though i prob wont get it for a while bc of my friend’s job that tends to make our incomes together reach just the ‘living minimum‘. i have this bill of €250 for adhd diagnosis, then monthly bills for meds that are €76 of which i can receive most back and ‘only’ need to pay €25 from it, then theres an orthodentist bill of around €92 bc i forget this insurance company still counts from back when i was w it the first time nd orthodontist stuff gets insured up to €1000 and that amount was used up like 10 years ago nd they still count like that despite me having had a different insurer in between.

i just need a stupid fcking job nd i hate to whine abt this bc theres so many ppl in much worse situations who ‘take initiative‘ nd start looking for jobs, but AGAIN  i have no ‘basic’ skills like being able to listen and understand words well nd fast or show the right facial expressions or have good memory or dexterity or be able to answer difficult questions or focus on reading etc etc, nor do i i have an idea what job i should or could do.like i fcking need an income, moreover i need a break, im in this fcking burnout since like 2013 and in depression since at least 2004 lmfao but it’s never been recognized as bad enough by specialists bc im not suicidal, but it’s also not good to the point where i ever know if i felt ok. also just. i feel like i did use to have a bit more confidence in myself in high school but it all got sucked out of me in art college (bc horribly bigoted teachers + students and being taught that drawing well is in fact not at all important in the domestic market but rather being INNOVATIVE and NETWORKING and also COPYING is the way to success!! like not kidding, thats what teachers told us) nd by my parents (bc i became older nd didnt spontaneously do all these chores or jobs despite having no fcking clue how bc they never taught stuff). like i just dont know how ppl live comfortably w themselves and know what its like to be themselves nd not feel bad nd anxious abt everything

[terramythos]

TerraMythos' 2020 Reading Challenge - Book 22 of 26

Title: House of Leaves (2000) 

Author: Mark Z. Danielewski

Genre/Tags: Horror, Fiction, Metafiction, Weird, First-Person, Third-Person, Unreliable Narrator 

Rating: 6/10

Date Began: 7/28/2020

Date Finished: 8/09/2020

House of Leaves follows two narrative threads. One is the story of Johnny Truant, a burnout in his mid-twenties who finds a giant manuscript written by a deceased, blind hermit named Zampanò. The second is said manuscript -- The Navidson Record -- a pseudo-academic analysis of a found-footage horror film that doesn’t seem to exist. In it, Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist Will Navidson moves into a suburban home in Virginia with his partner Karen and their two children. Navidson soon makes the uncomfortable discovery that his new house is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Over time he discovers more oddities -- a closet that wasn’t there before, and eventually a door that leads into an impossibly vast, dark series of rooms and hallways. 

While Johnny grows more obsessed with the work, his life begins to take a turn for the worse, as told in the footnotes of The Navidson Record. At the same time, the mysteries of the impossible, sinister house on Ash Tree Lane continue to deepen. 

To get a better idea try this: focus on these words, and whatever you do don’t let your eyes wander past the perimeter of this page. Now imagine just beyond your peripheral vision, maybe behind you, maybe to the side of you, maybe even in front of you, but right where you can’t see it, something is quietly closing in on you, so quiet in fact you can only hear it as silence. Find those pockets without sound. That’s where it is. Right at this moment. But don’t look. Keep your eyes here. Now take a deep breath. Go ahead and take an even deeper one. Only this time as you start to exhale try to imagine how fast it will happen, how hard it’s gonna hit you, how many times it will stab your jugular with its teeth or are they nails? don’t worry, that particular detail doesn’t matter, because before you have time to even process that you should be moving, you should be running, you should at the very least be flinging up your arms--you sure as hell should be getting rid of this book-- you won’t have time to even scream. 

Don’t look. 

I didn’t. 

Of course I looked. 

Some story spoilers under the cut. 

Whoo boy do I feel torn on this one. House of Leaves contains some really intriguing ideas, and when it’s done right, it’s some of the best stuff out there. Unfortunately, there are also several questionable choices and narrative decisions that, for me, tarnish the overall experience. It’s certainly an interesting read, even if the whole is ultimately less than the sum of its parts. 

First of all, I can see why people don’t like this book, or give up on it early (for me this was attempt number three). Despite an interesting concept and framing device, the first third or so of the book is pretty boring. Johnny is just not an interesting character. He does a lot of drugs and has a lot of (pretty unpleasant) sex and... that’s pretty much it, at least at the beginning. There’s occasional horror sections that are more interesting, where Johnny’s convinced he’s being hunted by something, but they’re few and far between. Meanwhile, the story in The Navidson Record seems content to focus on the relationship issues between two affluent suburbanites rather than the much more interesting, physically impossible house they live in. The early “exploration” sections are a little bit better, but overall I feel the opening act neglects the interesting premise. 

However, unlike many, I love the gimmick. The academic presentation of the Navidson story is replete with extensive (fake) footnotes,and there’s tons of self-indulgent rambling in both stories. I personally find it hilarious; it’s an intentionally dense parody of modern academic writing. Readers will note early that the typographical format is nonstandard, with the multiple concurrent stories denoted by different typefaces, certain words in color, footnotes within footnotes, etc. House of Leaves eventually goes off the chain with this concept, gracing us with pages that look like (minor spoilers) this or this. This leads into the best part of this book, namely... 

Its visual presentation! House of Leaves excels in conveying story and feeling through formatting decisions. The first picture I linked is one of many like it in a chapter about labyrinths. And reading it feels like navigating a labyrinth! It features a key “story”, but also daunting, multi-page lists of irrelevant names, buildings, architectural terms, etc. There are footnotes that don’t exist, then footnote citations that don’t seem to exist until one finds them later in the chapter. All this while physically turning the book or even grabbing a mirror to read certain passages. In short, it feels like navigating the twists, turns, and dead ends of a labyrinth. And that’s just one example -- other chapters utilize placement of the text to show where a character is in relation to others, what kind of things are happening around them, and so on. One chapter near the end features a square of text that gets progressively smaller as one turns the pages, which mirrors the claustrophobic feel of the narrative events. This is the coolest shit to me; I adore when a work utilizes its format to convey certain story elements. I usually see this in poetry and video games, but this is the first time I’ve seen it done so well in long-form fiction. City of Saints and Madmen and Shriek: An Afterword by Jeff VanderMeer, both of which I reviewed earlier this year, do something similar, and are clearly inspired by House of Leaves in more ways than one. 

And yes, the story does get a little better, though it never wows me. The central horror story is not overtly scary, but eeriness suffices, and I have a soft spot for architectural horror. Even Johnny and the Navidsons become more interesting characters over time. For example, I find Karen pretty annoying and generic for most of the book, but her development in later chapters makes her much more interesting. While I question the practical need for Johnny’s frame story, it does become more engaging as he descends into paranoia and madness.

So why the relatively low rating? Well... as I alluded to earlier, there’s some questionable stuff in House of Leaves that leaves (...hah?) a bad taste in my mouth. The first is a heavy focus on sexual violence against women. I did some extensive thinking on this throughout my read, but I just cannot find a valid reason for it. The subject feels thrown in for pure shock value, and especially from a male author, it seems tacky and voyeuristic. If it came up once or twice I’d probably be able to stomach this more easily, but it’s persistent throughout the story, and doesn’t contribute anything to the plot or horror (not that that would really make it better). I’m not saying books can’t have that content, but it’s just not explored in any meaningful way, and it feels cheap and shitty to throw it in something that traumatizing just to shock the audience. It’s like a bad jump scare but worse on every level. There’s even a part near the end written in code, which I took the time to decode, only to discover it’s yet another example of this. Like, really, dude? 

Second, this book’s portrayal of mental illness is not great. (major spoilers for Johnny’s arc.) One of the main things about Johnny’s story is he’s an unreliable narrator. From the outset, Johnny has occasional passages that can either be interpreted as genuine horror, or delusional breaks from reality. Reality vs unreality is a core theme throughout both stories. Is The Navidson Record real despite all evidence to the contrary? Is it real as in “is the film an actual thing” or “the events of the film are an actual thing”? and so on and so forth. Johnny’s sections mirror this; he’ll describe certain events, then later state they didn’t happen, contradict himself, or even describe a traumatic event through a made-up story. Eventually, the reader figures out parts of Johnny’s actual backstory, namely that when he was a small child, his mother was institutionalized for violent schizophrenia. Perhaps you can see where this is going... 

Schizophrenia-as-horror is ridiculously overdone. But it also demonizes mental illness, and schizophrenia in particular, in a way that is actively harmful. Don’t misunderstand me, horror can be a great way to explore mental illness, but when it’s done wrong? Woof. Unfortunately House of Leaves doesn’t do it justice. While it avoids some cliches, it equates the horror elements of Johnny’s story to the emergence of his latent schizophrenia. This isn’t outwardly stated, and there are multiple interpretations of most of the story, but in lieu of solid and provable horror, it’s the most reasonable and consistent explanation. There’s also an emphasis on violent outbursts related to schizophrenia, which just isn’t an accurate portrayal of the condition. 

To Danielewski’s credit, it’s not entirely black and white. We do see how Johnny’s descent into paranoia negatively affects his life and interpersonal relationships. There’s a bonus section where we see all the letters Johnny’s mother wrote him while in the mental hospital, and we can see her love and compassion for him in parallel to the mental illness. But the experimental typographical style returns here to depict just how “scary” schizophrenia is, and that comes off as tacky to me. I think this is probably an example of a piece of media not aging well (after all, this book just turned 20), and there’s been a definite move away from this kind of thing in horror, but that doesn’t change the impression it leaves. For a book as supposedly original/groundbreaking as this, defaulting to standard bad horror tropes is disappointing. And using “it was schizophrenia all along” to explain the horror elements in Johnny’s story feels like a cop-out. I wish there was more mystery here, or alternate interpretations that actually make sense. 

Overall The Navidson Record part of the story feels more satisfying. I actually like that there isn’t a direct explanation for everything that happens. It feels like a more genuine horror story, regardless of whether you interpret it as a work of fiction within the story or not. There’s evidence for both. Part of me wishes the book had ended when this story ends (it doesn’t), or that the framing device with Johnny was absent, or something along those lines. Oh well-- this is the story we got, for better or worse. 

I don’t regret reading House of Leaves, and it’s certainly impressive for a debut novel. If you’re looking for a horror-flavored work of metafiction, it’s a valid place to start. I think the experimental style is a genuine treat to read, and perhaps the negative aspects won’t hit you as hard as they did to me. But I can definitely see why this book is controversial. 

[arks-self-ship]

I’ve mentioned before I cannot stop thinking about Nighty cause my brain is like “holy fuck we’ve been together roughly 6 years” so here’s a rough timeline of us

Please note this is our world life, and is very different from my real life and my experiences have been different. Some pieces have changed over the years to fit who I am (especially with my transition). Some details will vary on occasion but Nighty is the only one who I have an actual guideline for us

(Huge lore dump below)

2014- first meet, I was new to the institute and wasn’t really good at fighting and had trouble making friends with everyone. Kurt asked for my help setting up a prank on Jean cause I happened to be walking by and we started talking and found out we shared an interest in games and listened to a lot of the same music. Ended up being good friends and I started hanging out with him and kitty quite a bit, but wasn’t real close with the rest of the team because of how shy I was. Already knew I was a guy and had hormone blockers and a binder, my uniform had a compressor which was a lot safer and ended up wearing that under my clothes sometimes instead. Wasn’t yet ready to cut my hair to short yet. Depression had started before I even joined the team and was dealing with a  lot of personal stuff. The professor had helped me change my name legally before even joining which was nice

2015- Starting opening up to the team and getting closer with everyone and made some friends at school who were Kurt’s friends but didn’t really have any friends of my own yet. Was getting a lot better at fighting and getting a handle on my powers, and discovered I could use emotional energy to create real bursts later in the year. Started getting really into my art around this time too. Kurt was apparently starting to question his sexuality too but tried not to think about it. Came out to Kurt that I was trans at this point, later in the year told Kitty too. 

Around the middle of the year Kurt kissed me for the first time, we had just been hanging out in my room laying on my bed talking honestly about ourselves and having a nice conversation about our lives. I was caught off guard and didn’t kiss back and he panicked and teleported away. It was a couple days before we really had a chance to be alone and I kissed him back finally, and we ended up talking for a long time about what this meant for us. We ended up being like “We’re still best friends, but now there’s some new stuff to that”, and Kurt wasn’t ready to come out yet so we dated secretly and only Kitty knew. Kurt identified as Bi for a time while he sorted out his feelings but ended up realizing he was just gay late in the year. I was still ace but knew i was bi-romantic

2016- The Professor was really helpful and said he would help pay for any transitioning I wanted to do, as long as I did my best on the team and in school. Ended up telling the rest of the team one by one that I was trans, not everyone really got it but they were supportive and nice about it. Really started to get better at my powers and finally cut my hair real short and had a mohawk for a bit until I settled for an undercut later in the year. Made some friend’s of my own who tended to be the “scary kids” but were actually super chill and played a lot of video games. Ended up getting top surgery as soon as I could.

Same year mutantkind got exposed to the world and I had trouble going back to school with that going on and my depression hit hard, but Kurt was there to help. My new friends thought it was super cool I had powers tho and were a nice support system

Early in the year we had accidentally gotten caught kissing by Toad, who I ended up making him swear to secrecy under the threat of beating the shit out of him. Turns out, he was gay too! So as long as he didn’t tell anyone about us we wouldn’t tell anyone about him, but we ended up on pretty decent terms with him later on. Later though R/ogue borrowed Kurt’s powers in a fight and learned we were dating, but she also promised not to tell anyone. We were also pretty sure Logan, the professor and Jean all knew but weren’t sure (they did)

2017- Pretty chill year, until towards the end where me and Kurt got caught kissing at school by a kid we didn’t know and the news spread through the school really fast. It was really rough on him, but I ended up bringing him into my new non-mutant friend group cause they were mostly queer too. The team learning about it was… awkward to say the least but they we’re pretty chill about it. Because of this Kurt ended up coming out to his parents when he went home for Christmas that year right before he came back. It was rough at first and they didn’t really get it but were the awkward kind of supportive. I mean their kid was already blue and teleported, being gay wasn’t that shocking.

Me and Kurt had gotten really serious around this time, and were talking about our future together, but we were avoiding talking about college because we were scared we’d want to go separate places and long distance was really scary

2018- Senior year was rough for both of us, my grades were doing terribly and the depression didn’t help and everyone knowing about us being together and being mutants was really not helping. If we didn’t have each other I don’t think we could have made it through it, and I probably would have dropped out. I barely graduated but only because Jean helped tutor me and secretly some of my friends did some of the work for me so I could focus on things that were more of a priority. Graduating was so nice, but I suffered severe burnout that summer, and did nothing almost the entire time. Kurt also got an upgraded holowatch at this time that didn’t constantly break on him and was way more durable. I also figured out how to make the emotional energy take shape, easiest things are simple objects and its usually weapons (Swords, bats, bow, ect)

A couple things with our relationship did happen though, that Christmas I went to go meet Kurt’s family. They were super nice, but really awkward and it was nice to get away for a bit. While we were there we ended up finally talking about college and our plans. I knew I wanted to learn psychology and Kurt still wasn’t sure of his plans, but we ended up deciding to do the community college to get our general classes done first and that would buy us more time to figure things out.

2019- Took a gap year together and ended up traveling together across the country in a van. It was a great way to de-stress from everything and finally get a break from being superheroes too. The whole thing brought us a lot closer and Kurt tried to propose at one point while we were traveling, I ended up saying no but in a more of a “Not yet” kind of way, because of how young we are. We talked about it, and agreed we would get engaged when we were a bit older but we kept the rings as promise rings for that one day when we would try that again. We also ended up getting our hair streaks not long before we went back to the institute as a surprise for everyone, plus we thought it was cute.

Please note that the continuity of if there is a virus in this AU shifts based on what I’m feeling for the day cause sometimes I wanna daydream about going out 😔

2020- oh my god this year has been crazy, we started college together and finally being able to be out has been so nice. Or it was until ya know… we got hit with a plague (yup we have that here too) and have mostly been doing classes online which is a shame. We were both looking forward to campus life and being locked in the institute all the time is a nightmare, especially with all the new students that we’ve been roped into helping teach… But hey, hopefully things will be getting better soon!

2020 revised- This year has been wild, there’s so many new kids at the institute now! The professor keeps roping us in to help teach. Being back on the team though is super nice! Although we do have a new member, Laura, who Logan just apparently brought out of nowhere even tho she was the girl who attacked us a couple years back? She’s kinda odd but she’s trying her best (I think…). College has been interesting, some of my friends ended up moving away but some stayed in town which it’s been nice having classes with them.

Some things have stayed the same in both versions tho!

Kurt’s birth mom (M//ystique) has finally been working to turn over a new leaf. She’s definitely not a good guy but she’s not working with the bad guys anymore? Which i guess is progress?? She’s been trying to reconnect with Kurt and R/ogue, it’s been slow cause R/ogue doesn’t want anything to do with her really but Kurt’s talked to her a few times and they’ve gotten lunch a couple times. I guess after the apocalypse thing it kinda made her think about things, and then Kurt and me being gone for so long kinda made her really reconsider things.

It seems most of the brotherhood is still in town tho, which has caused some problems and they have a couple new members too which has been… a problem. M//agneto has been laying low though, which has been nice so the brotherhood hasn’t done anything to bad.

Being back at the school is kinda nice though, I missed being around my friends and luckily the school has had renovations and expansions so there’s more rooms and the senior/core team rooms have their own bathrooms! Which, holy shit is so nice…

Who knows what the future holds for us, but as long as we’re together I know we’ll be fine