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nights-at-crystarium · 4 months ago

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i just wanted to pop by and gush about how incredibly well written vivi is because GOD. his story unfolding has made me reconsider several story beats about my wol and thats an amazing thing

theres two things that i think uve done especially well with his storytelling, being that vivi feels like an almost complete enigma to the reader, despite how intimate this story is, and the fact that vivi feels incredibly human - almost TOO human to be comfortable with

so to elaborate on the first point - i think a lot of us (and certainly i can) echo thancreds sentiment that he doesn't know vivian rell, because as intimate as this story can get with his pov, in the end, much like someone you'd meet in real life, we don't know much about him before the point we meet him, and any glimpses we get just signal that theres so much more to him than we get to see. and as much as we DO know about him, i find that every time he does one of his blank, furrowed stares that signal he's thinking something, my brain practically lights on fire trying to figure out what he's considering. to that end i really like how enigmatic uve made him from a storytelling perspective, because it makes him feel so much more real!!! i honestly look forward a lot to learning more fragments (heh) of him and slowly piecing together a puzzle of him as the story goes on. i just want to rotate him in my head lol

but also, this does segue into my other point really well, which is the fact that vivis position as wol really seems to wear on him, and he seems for lack of a better word, completely exhausted! i know (myself included) write their wols with a trait of an almost unbreakable, iron will, which is very much still true in vivis case (again, anyone who gets to the point of shadowbringers without flat out giving up is incredibly strong by default) but showing him at his wits end, exhausted with the burdens of a hero, someone just so throughly *done* with what is, realistically, a pretty shit job is well... yeah! of course he is! he's only human, and he's what, saved the world 3 times now? seen countless die before him, powerless to save them, of course he's numb. the fact that the most defining experiences of the first for him are filled with mostly such... benign experiences, and that the major, climatic moments of shadowbringers get as much fanfare as a forlong gaze, or a like. him hanging out with his fairy bestie is such a cool storytelling decision. (also before i ramble about this the decision to not even show tesleen is such an excellent decision bc like. it makes sense for him for this to not be such a significant moment. shes just another death, another tally to the thousands hes already seen. or maybe im reading WAYYY too hard into a decision to not highjack this love story with plot) basically, what i've been gushing about is the fact that vivi feels very much like a whole person, and is probably one of the most well realised wols ive ever read about. and his relationships with the world leaders, and this impossible burden hes forced to shoulder has gotten me to reconsider how i write my wol, because yeah! any hero might be strong-willed and resilient, but theyre still human, and the burden of a warrior of light is maybe, a little too much for anyone to bear.

i hope u could at least make something out of my rambles, but honestly to sum it all up i am incredibly captivated by vivi. i originally read fragments because i like ANY wolgraha content but now, i come back almost exclusively to see how vivi's story unfolds, and how graha eventually comes into the fold too. hes such a fascinating character, and i think youve done an incredible job of creating a well rounded hero, full of humanity!!! (also, if you want, feel free to post this on ur blog!!)

I think I shat myself like 5 times while reading this (positive)

Vivi being an enigma wasn't really part of the plan. We have a pool that's his lore, things I wanna tell, and a bottleneck through which it has to go. The comic format forces me to consider what bits of info to deliver when, there's only so much I can tell at a time. One deliberate choice I made is completely burn the bridge between ARR and ShB, skip, leave it empty. That already sparks questions when we see a different Vivi at the beginning of ShB (and gives me leeway, time to write with more nuance, I didn't Think about HW-SB in such scrupulous detail as ShB).

I wanted to tell a primarily ShB story from the start, but had less ambition, and planned to condense the angsty bits that you're reading nowadays into an infodump told by Vivi to no one (to the reader). Changing the receiving party to a tangible character who's eager to learn (Exarch) made the info easier to digest and anchored it in the world. This change, fwiw, happened in like 2022 while I drew the ARR arc, saw the warm reception, and got more excited about my thing. I constantly learn and try to improve, writing's a new toy that brings me tons of fun.

So, when I learned the new trick - telling things through other characters - I thought, why not make everyone slightly wrong, or rather, with a specific snapshot of Vivi in their head. Same happens irl, people only know the version of you that they're exposed to, the only person who knows the full and real you is you.

That brings me to the next point, why Vivi feels so human: I made him not as a wol/hero, but a guy I wanna ship with Exarch, his foil. Obligatory note it was dumb of me to ignore Emet's existence in that case, but that's already changed. Exarch denies himself the simple human joys, he plots his own fucking death, so I thought I'd give him a guy that teaches him how to enjoy being alive again. That was THE foundation of Vivi, his core. He's a manic pixie dream boy.

Then I started asking how and why: why he falls for Exarch specifically instead of ARRRaha? He's confident, selfish, casual (these traits are what Exarch lacks), emotionally intelligent, where did that come from? He must've had an utterly normal life and loving family before he became a hero. He grew up being appreciated and happy. OH, then his ass must LOATHE the current situation because he can't go back to that normal life! So on, so forth.

i find that every time he does one of his blank, furrowed stares that signal he's thinking something, my brain practically lights on fire trying to figure out what he's considering.

This's me carefully dropping the breadcrumbs and hoping that you notice them, and you go HOLY SHIT BREADCRUMBS, this's so validating ;w; <3 This's overtly called a story hook, though I prefer "door". So far this story's only opened doors, as in hinted at more stuff without immediately showing it. I love it when questions get delayed answers, when you get time to stew on it and build up anticipation, then, when the door finally closes, it's much more satisfying. I keep in mind all the doors I've opened, if something provokes a question, it's by design.

(also before i ramble about this the decision to not even show tesleen is such an excellent decision bc like. it makes sense for him for this to not be such a significant moment. shes just another death, another tally to the thousands hes already seen. or maybe im reading WAYYY too hard into a decision to not highjack this love story with plot)

You're 100% correct!! I'm not retelling the canon ShB story from a default wol pov, this's a custom thing focused on ships, therefore anything that doesn't contribute to said ships gets cut. You may read what's NOT shown as what Vivi doesn't pay attention to.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, this gave me so much motivation like you wouldn't know ;//////;

#with your help i wrote The Official Vivi Post it seems #vivien rell #replies #fragments feedback #fragments talk #text post

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nowandajenn · 3 years ago

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Blue Christmas- Eleven (Healing)

Pairing: Chris Evans/OC Kelly

Summary: After almost three years of marriage, everyone would tell you that Chris and his wife Kelly are the most stable, solid couple they know. But behind closed doors, things are tense as they keep trying for a baby, to no avail. When a secret threatens to shake their solid marriage to it’s core, will they be able to pick up the pieces?

I do not consent to have my content, whether it be this story or anything else of my creation, posted by a third party on any other platform other than right here without my permission. This blog is 18+ and is not intended for minors. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Heed the warnings. This is a work of FICTION. I do not claim to know Chris Evans, his family, friends, or anyone on his team personally.

Warnings for this chapter: Heavy, heavy angst. Language. Mentions of adultery. Mentions of miscarriage. Pregnancy. Allusions to abortion but nothing is stated outright.

This beast is clocking in at just over 6.7k words. Probably the single longest chapter I've ever written. The tag list for this story was getting out of control, and more than half the people on it had no interaction with the story at all, so I discontinued it. I'm tagging my nearest and dearest though. I may, MAY, create a google form for a new tag list. We'll see.

January 8th (Six days post accident)

The pain meds they give people in the hospital following surgery pack a wallop, especially when given through an IV. They make me have crazy dreams, turn my attention span paper thin, and have the added bonus of turning my brain/mouth filter virtually non-existent.

I’m trying to pay attention to the conversation that Chris is trying to have with me. I really am. To be fair, he knew when he got here an hour ago that I had just gotten another dose.

“What about this one?”

Chris turns the iPad towards me so I can see yet another picture and resume’ of a home health nurse. It was an idea that he was originally against, but both Lisa and Andi, my main nurse, had both suggested that maybe having someone come in for a few hours a day a couple times a week would be a good thing. As much as he wants to do everything he possibly can for you, he also knows he’s only one person. After not hearing a response, and thinking maybe I had dozed off into a narcotic induced nap, he looks up to see me using my good hand to fiddle with the end of the braid that the nurse had put my hair into earlier after the shower that I’d finally been allowed to have after days of bed baths.

Showers used to be glorious things. Water turned up to near scalding levels, music playing loud with me singing loudly (and badly) along, and nice shampoo and shower gel that smells amazing. This was not that. This was an entire process that took nearly an hour, starting with my casted leg and equally casted arm being wrapped in waterproof plastic and ending with me in tears because washing long hair takes two functional hands, and I only had one. There’s zero dignity in having another person give you a shower when you’re a grown woman who’s been showering and bathing by herself for many years now without issue. The nurse had been amazingly sweet and sympathetic and helped me with whatever I couldn’t do on my own (which was a lot), but the whole experience just left me feeling useless and depressed.

A soft touch to my hand brings me back to the present.

“Where’d you go?” he asks softly.

”My hair smells weird.”

He leans forward a bit so he can get a whiff of my hair. “It smells okay to me.”

“It’s not the same. It’s weird, clinical hospital shampoo. It doesn’t smell good like mine.” I lament. “I couldn’t even wash my own hair today. It’s too long, and I couldn’t do it with one hand. I can’t even-”

My voice starts to waver and I look down at my arm that’s laying useless in a sling across my chest. Even my fingers are so swollen and bruised that I couldn’t even put my rings on if I tried. My ring finger, which hasn’t been naked since Chris slipped my engagement ring on it some four and a half years ago, feels very bare and just wrong. Everything about the accident and my injuries keeps hitting me in different ways.

I look over at Chris and then down at the iPad that he’s still holding. “Hire whoever you want. I honestly don’t care, and it’s not like I have any choice in the matter.”

He sighs softly, knowing that this conversation was never going to go over well. He knows that I know that I’m going to need as much help as I can get when I finally get released to go home, but he also knows that being as stubborn and self sufficient as I am, my worst nightmare is having someone have to help me do something as simple as get out of fucking bed.

“This is the one thing that’s happened lately that you do get to choose. I want to get someone that you’re going to like and be comfortable with. I can’t imagine what this is like for you right now, and I’m just trying to make life as easy as it can get when you’re home.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to like someone from a goddamn resume’. As long as they can do the job without fucking me up more than I already am, great.” My back is starting to ache because of the position that I’m laying in, and when I go to slide further up the bed, I’m rewarded with a searing pain in my stomach from the movement pulling at my still healing splenectomy incisions.

“Fuck, honey-”

I fall back on the pillows, irritated as hell and over this damn conversation, and the words fly out of my mouth before I can even think about stopping them.

“Just pick someone! Maybe you’ll get lucky and you’ll get another girl who’s going to fall for the irresistible Chris Evans charm, who has no moral compass and no compunction about sleeping with married men. Then you can throw a shot into her too.”

I watch as his face falls, his hand pulling back from where it’s been resting on my arm and a lump the size of a golf ball forms in my throat. I didn’t mean to say that. I might as well just be wearing a name tag that says Hi, I’m: Here To Make Things Worse. I cover my mouth with my hand and glance up towards the ceiling, trying to blink the tears away before they can fully form.

“I’m…..I’m sorry. I didn’t mean….” I start, but the words don’t want to come out.

“It’s okay.” he tries to assure me.

“No, it’s not.” I look down at the fluffy blue blanket that Chris brought me from home and I play with the slightly frayed edge, ashamed and unable to look at the broken look on his face. “This is a bad idea.”

He pops a shoulder. “Could always hire a male nurse.” he says, raising his eyebrow.

I let out a small snort, knowing he said it to try and lighten the mood, but all I can feel right now is trepidation at the thought of coming home with Chris to recover and him taking the brunt of all of my frustrations and emotional eruptions.

He turns the iPad off and puts it on the side table and I watch as he stands up and grabs his jacket off the back of the chair, and my eyes widen.

“Don’t leave. Please, I-” I sputter out, trying to push down my panic.

“I’m not. I’m just going to run down and get a coffee and check in with Shanna and see how Dodger’s doing. Are you getting hungry? You want me to grab you something?”

I squint, trying to remember the dinner options on the meal sheet they give me every day and which one I might have picked.

“Uhhhhh….no. I’ll be okay. They should be bringing whatever I picked out soon anyway. I’ll live.”

“Okay. Text me if you change your mind. I’ll be back. No more than half an hour, I promise.” he says, resting his palm on the top of my head gently.

---------------------

When Chris gets back twenty or so minutes later, I’m honestly sort of surprised he came back instead of just going home and getting away from my emotional, broken ass for a while. And even more surprised that his mom is with him, since I didn’t know she was planning on coming by today.

When they walk in, I’m sitting in one of the chairs in the room with my leg propped up, poking at a dish of red jello with a spoon.

“What are you doing out of bed?” Chris asks, surprised.

“I had to pee after you left, and being in bed was making my back hurt, so I asked if they could just park me here for a while. There’s not a ton of options when all you can really do is sit, so…I’ll be ready to get back in bed in a while.”

Lisa starts towards me and I push the wheeled table away from me slightly so she can bend down and give me a hug, which I return with a strength that takes her by surprise a little bit. Knowing how hard the last few days (hell, weeks for that matter) have been and the fact that your mom isn’t around, she just had a feeling today that you could probably use a big dose of love that only a mama can provide, which is why she decided to pop by and surprise both you and Chris.

She tilts my cheek to the side gently as she examines my face. “Your bruises are looking better.”

“Mmm. Still hurts. Airbags will save your life, but you’re going to feel like you went twelve rounds with Mike Tyson after they go off in your face.”

“So, Chris and I were talking downstairs, and I had an idea.” I swallow my mouthful of jello and look towards Chris, really hoping that he didn’t tell her about what I said. He shakes his head almost imperceptibly and the anxiety in my gut loosens up a bit.

“What would you think about me coming to stay with you guys for a bit when you got home?”

“Chris, tell me you didn’t ask your mom to come home with us to be my babysitter.” I groan. Lisa snorts slightly. “He didn’t ask. I’m offering. I know you’re not crazy about someone you don’t know being in your house and….” she searches for the right words “helping you. And it wouldn’t be for too long; just until you guys get yourselves situated at home and get into a routine with things. It’s just to make the transition a little smoother.” she assures me.

I look over at Chris and he shrugs, gesturing to me. “This is your call.”

I sigh, looking over at my mother in law, who I adore more than anyone in the world. “I’m not great to be around lately. I’m still not convinced that coming home after this is the right thing to do, and I’m afraid it’s really just going to make things worse. I don’t want you both to have to deal with my psychotic mood swings.”

“Sweetheart, if your mood was completely stable after everything that’s happened, I’d be terrified. You’re hurt, and you can’t do the things that everyone else takes for granted without help, and everyone knows how frustrating that is. I know you’re angry and sad and frustrated. And that’s okay. We’re-” she gestures between herself and her eldest son “made of tough stuff. Well, I’m tougher than him. We all know he’s a big baby who cries at the drop of a Hallmark movie.” I sputter out a laugh while wiping my eyes.

“We all love you, and we’re all here for you no matter what.”

January 17th (Fifteen days post accident)

“They would release you on the coldest day of the year.” Chris says as he makes a final sweep around the hospital room that I’ve called home for the last two weeks.

I huff out a small laugh. “Let’s just get the hell out of here before they come back here and tell me that they’ve decided to keep me for another week.”

“They should be back any minute with your discharge papers, and then we’ll go. The doc said he was going to call in your prescriptions to Walgreens, so hopefully they’ll be ready by the time we get there. Or I can get you home and settled in and run back out and grab them.”

“We can wait for them. It’s too cold to be running back and forth.”

I look down at my “going home” outfit and can’t help but feel completely ridiculous. A pair of pink flannel pajama pants with penguins on them (they’re the only thing besides sweats that I can get up over the cast on my leg), a long sleeved white shirt, and one of Chris’ hoodies that’s zipped up over my sling, leaving just my good arm in the sleeve. They removed the stitches from my arm yesterday, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at it. The compression bandage that I’ve been instructed to wear all the time (with the exception of showers) is a lot more comfortable than the layers of wrapping my arm was encased in, but still annoying. And it itches like the devil. My right foot is encased in fluffy socks and a shoe, and my left leg is of course still in a cast, a sock pulled down over my exposed toes so they don’t freeze off when I go outside.

My eyes go to the small black wheelchair that’s coming home with me and I squeeze my eyes shut. Because I’ve been instructed not to use my damaged arm for ANYTHING more strenuous than moving it gently to maneuver a shirt on and off, I can’t use crutches.

Chris finishes packing up my backpack, and stops when he sees me staring vacantly at the wheelchair. He frowns, and walks over slowly, sitting on his heels in front of me.

“Hey.” he murmurs softly, snapping me out of my reverie.

“Hmm?”

“This isn’t going to be forever. They said the cast is going to come off hopefully in a couple of weeks, and then they’re going to put you in a walking boot. At least then you’ll be able to get up and move around. I know, I know how much you hate this. I do. But it is not forever.”

“I know.” I hate how small my voice is. “I hate how I have to think about every move I make. I can’t reach for anything because I can’t use my arm. I have to be careful when I stretch or it hurts my stomach. I have to cough or sneeze as soft as I can or else my ribs hurt. It’s just….I feel like a prisoner in my own body right now.”

“But you’re going to get the chance to get stronger and recover.” I look up at him and our eyes meet, and I know we’re both thinking about the fact that the driver of the car that hit me died four days ago from his injuries sustained in the crash, and how that could have been me instead.

---------------------------

When the nurse comes in with my discharge papers and the litany of aftercare instructions, Chris takes them and heads downstairs with my stuff so he can bring the car around to the front entrance. The nurse helps me put my coat and hat on before helping me maneuver myself into the wheelchair and we head down to the first floor.

“You excited you’re finally out of here?” she asks me with a smile.

“And nervous. It was kind of comforting knowing that even though I was stuck in here, if anything went wrong, I was in the right place.”

I see Chris pull up at the curb, and the nurse wheels me outside, and I gasp at the biting cold. It’s the first time I’ve felt fresh air on my skin since the day of the accident, and although it’s beyond freezing, it still feels amazing to breathe it in. It isn’t until I get situated in the passenger seat and we’re ready to drive home that the panic sets in.

“The last time I was in a car I almost died.”

Chris takes his hands off the steering wheel and reaches over to hold my right hand.

“I know.”

“You drive like an insane person.”

Despite the seriousness of the conversation, he snorts, because he knows the amount of speeding tickets he’s accumulated since he started driving is ridiculous. But he also knows that since the accident, he’s been almost hyper aware of his speed and everything going on around him, when he usually just goes on autopilot when he’s driving, like anyone else who drives every day.

“I promise I won’t drive like an insane person with you in the car.”

“Don’t drive like an insane person ever. You can’t control the way other idiots drive, but you can control how you do. I need you around.”

Those words make hope bloom in his chest.

“I promise.”

When we get home, relief washes over me. As promised, Chris drove very carefully and obeyed the speed limit, but I was still a nervous wreck the whole 25 minute drive. Plus, being scrunched in the roomy, but limited space of the passenger seat isn’t very comfortable with my injuries. One the car is parked inside the garage and Chris has my door open, he realizes that he didn’t really think this part through very well.

The furniture inside has been arranged and re-arranged about a dozen times in different configurations to accommodate the wheelchair in the house. He purchased a shower chair for me to make showers easier, he got cast wraps to keep the cast on my leg dry, he set up a perfect little nest with pillows and blankets on our sectional so I’d be comfortable, with remotes and chargers and books, and even a little cooler within reach.

I notice the look on his face that he gets when he’s confused about something or trying to find a solution to a problem, and turn to him.

“You’re trying to figure out how you’re going to get me in the house, aren’t you?”

The sheepish, yet slightly guilty look on his face tells me I’m right. “I have guys coming on Monday to put in a temporary ramp over the stairs in front. But I didn’t think about today.”

There’s two steps to get from the garage into the house, and the wheelchair isn’t going to make it up them.

“You’re going to have to carry me in the house.”

“I was thinking that, but I don’t want to hurt you. You’re still really sore.” he says, gesturing to his chest and stomach.

“I’m pretty sure everything I do for a while is going to be somewhat painful, but I think this is our only option. Why don’t you grab the wheelchair and bring it in, put Dodger in the bedroom until we get inside so he doesn’t knock me down when he sees me, and then come back out and grab me?”

He exhales slowly. “Okay. I’ll be right back. Just…..” he trails off, gesturing vaguely at me.

“Trust me, I’m not going anywhere.”

When Chris comes back out, he comes around to the passenger side and opens the door for me. I turn in the seat, angling myself as much as I can to make it easier for him to grab me and carry me inside. I’m slightly nervous about how much this is going to hurt, but I’m determined to not let it show.

“You ready?”

I take a deep breath and nod. He stoops down and slides his left arm around my back, while his right arm loops under my legs and he lifts me gently, my good arm going around his neck. He’s carried me like this about a million times in the years that we’ve been together, but for some reason, all I can think about is how he carried me (both of us slightly tipsy) like this up to our hotel room after our wedding reception, and me laughing and telling him not to drop me or else I’d get our marriage annulled. I squeeze my eyes shut at the memory.

I open them back up when I feel Chris setting me down on the end of the sofa and helping me get comfortable.

“Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he asks nervously.

“I’m okay. Can you just grab a couple pillows so I can put my leg up though?”

He hits the button on the side of the couch for the foot rest to come up and slides a couple throw pillows under my leg.

“Can I get you anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty?”

“I”m okay for right now. Can you go get Dodger though? I missed him like crazy.”

He smiles and goes to the bedroom to let the dog out, and a second later, I hear the sound of his nails clicking rapidly on the hardwood.

“Hi, baby!” I exclaim, holding my arm out.

“Dodge, be gentle, okay? Careful.” Chris warns.

Dodger jumps up on the couch next to me and immediately snuggles into my side. Luckily enough, he’s on my good side so I can give him pets and belly rubs.

“Mom’s going to be over in a few hours. She said she wanted to give us a little bit of time to get settled in and such. I’m gonna go and unpack our stuff and start some laundry. You have the remotes and your phone and charger nearby….if you need anything, just yell. Or tell Dodger to come get me.”

“I will. I think I’m going to try and take a nap though, honestly. The trip home kind of took it out of me.”

“Okay.” He grabs a blanket from the back of the sofa and drapes it over me, dropping a kiss to my head before he leaves to go get started on unpacking our stuff. As he walks away, he stops to look back at me again, thinking to himself how it seems like it’s been a lifetime since the last time the both of us were in this house together, even though it’s only been about three weeks. As much as he wanted you back home, he never in a million years thought this would be how it happened.

January 25th (23 days post accident)

“God, that feels nice.” I moan at the feeling of Chris’ fingers in my hair, massaging the shampoo in.

“Why do you think I always beg you to wash my hair?” he says, smirking. I catch his use of the present tense, and try and think about how long it’s been since the last shower we took together before the accident. I’m damn near positive it was way different than the ones that have happened since I’ve been home, and probably ended in orgasms all around.

“This is infinitely better than the showers in the hospital. The nurse who always used to do mine had long ass nails. I’m pretty sure one of them is still embedded in my brain somewhere.”

He laughs as he rinses my hair with the detachable shower head. After working conditioner through my hair and helping me scrub myself down and even shaving my right leg and under my arms for me, he steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around his waist before grabbing another one to dry me off. I’m sitting on the toilet lid in my underwear while Chris smooths lotion on me, letting me do what I can reach with my good arm when I say his name softly.

“Thank you.” I watch his eyebrow quirk up in confusion.

“What for?”

“This. The- everything. When we got married, I bet you never imagined you’d have to help me shower and put on clean underwear and take me to go pee.”

He looks down as he continues to rub the lotion into my leg. “No, but I don’t think anyone goes in ever thinking about the worst case scenario where those things would ever come up. But that’s part of the deal, right? For better or worse? That covers everything; not just the good stuff. You don’t have to thank me. It’s my job.”

“You could have just let my mom have her way and let them take me home.” I point out.

He scoffs and shakes his head.

“Absolutely not. For one thing, you and your mom would have ended up killing each other. And for another…..your head is giving you enough grief as it is right now, and being around her would have just made it worse. I couldn’t do that to you.”

I see Chris reach for my shirt and groan, knowing how much it hurts my arm to put a damn shirt on.

“How bad does it look?”

“Your arm?”

I nod slightly and he sighs. “It’s still really raw and red. It’s going to fade, but it’s going to take some time. The doctor recommended some stuff that’s supposed to help with scars. Make them less visible over time.”

“Can I see it?” I ask.

“Are you sure?” he asks. I shrug a bit.

He picks me up off the toilet seat and walks us in front of the bathroom mirror and turns so I can see my arm. I suck in a shuddering breath and close my eyes. It’s ugly. A roughly five inch or so vertical incision straight down my upper arm, red and raw and glaringly obvious. Even when it’s fully healed, it’s going to be ugly.

“If you want, I can always talk to Josh. We can see if he can draw something up so you can cover it up once it’s fully healed.”

I nod as tears leak out of my eyes. Chris tilts my chin up. “It’s just a scar. It doesn’t define you and it’s not the end of the world. It doesn’t make you any less beautiful.” He pivots so my ass is sat on the bathroom vanity and once I’m settled, he pulls the shirt over my head, being gentle with my arm, and then helps me into a clean pair of pajama pants.

“You know, we’re actually getting kind of good at this.” he says as he carries me out of the bathroom and sets me down in our bed.

“I hate that that’s something to brag about.” I tell him, rolling my eyes. “Although, I guess after doing the same thing day after day for a couple weeks, it’s to be expected. You don’t look quite as terrified now as you did the first time we did this.”

February 2nd (one month post accident)

“I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner….I was in a pretty serious car accident a month ago and things have been a little hectic since then. I haven’t been cleared by my doctor to fly yet, so there’s no way we can make it out there. Mmmmhmmm. Yeah, the reservation is under Kelly Evans.”

Chris walks into the kitchen and starts making himself a cup of coffee while I’m on hold with the resort to cancel the Valentines Day reservations I had made back in November. I had a solid plan that I had cooked up with Meghan and his team so he wouldn’t have anything scheduled for the three days I had booked at Post Ranch Inn, but then between finding out about the affair and the accident, my carefully made plan got blown straight to hell, leaving me feeling a little (lot) angry.

“Okay. Thank you again for all your help. I’m sorry again for the late notice.”

I end the call and toss my cell phone onto the island, irritation bubbling up inside me.

“Who was that?”

“Canceling the reservation I made for us for Valentines Day at Post Ranch Inn. I made it before I found out about you fucking someone else. That kind of took the romance out of it a little bit. Well, that and the fact that my body’s still mostly useless.”

My newly (as of two days ago) uncasted leg starts itching to high hell under the walking boot and compression sock I have on, and I start the process of unstrapping the boot one handed so I can enjoy scratching my leg to my heart’s content. I wish I could have gotten a picture of Chris and the doctor’s faces when my cast was finally cut off and a fork, two pens, and a plastic ruler came tumbling out of it, all lost in my attempt to wedge something down there to scratch the itch.

He sighs lightly and turns so his back is to the counter, giving me what I’ve coined his “kicked puppy look.” Most of the time, I feel guilty for whatever I said to make that look appear, but today I’m just too agitated to care.

“Don’t give me that look. You do it every single time I mention the fact that you had sex with someone else. You know what you did. You don’t get to make that face and look like I just told you that Disneyland is closing down forever.”

He walks over to where I’m sitting with a sigh, and reaches to help me with the straps on my boot. “Can we not fight? Please? I know that there’s an ocean of stuff we have to work through, and I know none of this is easy…I just don’t want to fight with you.”

“Just stop. I can do it myself." I tell him, brushing his hand away softly. "You know, just because I still need you to help with most of my basic human functions doesn’t mean that I necessarily like being around you all the time. You’re my husband and for some God forsaken reason, even though you did what you did, I still love you, despite me calling you a cheating shitbag in my head at least once a day. So, just leave me alone for a little while, okay? I was really excited about having this trip happen, and it all got blown to hell in a really magnificent fashion, so let me just sit here and be pissed off and sad about it.”

He holds his hands up and backs away. “Okay. I can do that. Just, we have your doctor’s appointment at 2, so let me know when you need me to come help you get ready.” I look up at him and nod, spinning my phone on the table. He starts to walk away, but then turns back towards me.

“You know, when the accident happened and you were out of surgery, I kind of went into crisis mode. I called my team and canceled everything, because I knew that you were going to need someone to be there for you and help take care of you until you were stronger. And I know that you have a million people that are in our lives that would drop everything and do that for you, because you’re amazing and everyone loves you so much. The parade of people that have come and gone through here since you’ve been home is proof of that. I kind of just took charge, because I didn’t know what else to do….and I don’t think I took the time to stop and ask myself if you even wanted it to be me, given everything that happened.”

“Chris….I did. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable having anyone else do it.”

He nods. “I know that it’s hard for you to be around me sometimes. I know that you’re still angry, and hurt and upset and you have every right to be. I know we’re a mess, but once things settle down a little bit, we’ll get in to go see that therapist that Carly told me about, and we’ll start working through it. That is, if you still want to.”

“I do.”

-------------------------

A few hours later, we’re sitting in the waiting room of my gynecologist’s office, and Chris is just staring around the room at the posters on the wall, and occasionally glancing at the couple of pregnant women that are in the waiting room with us.

“Why did you need to see her?” he asks softly.

“I’m overdue for my annual exam, and since all I do lately is go to the doctor, I figured I should probably just get it out of the way.” It’s a half truth. Well, ⅓ truth. If the doctor was right about my hcG levels when I was in the hospital, I’m about six weeks pregnant, and it’s probably time to get official confirmation in black and white. And if I am, Chris deserves to be there to hear it. But first, he needs to get something done himself.

The nurse comes by and hands us both a clipboard with paperwork on it, and Chris’ eyebrows raise. “Why do I get paperwork?”

The nurse clears her throat nervously and taps a section on the paperwork. STD test, with the works. She walks away to let us fill out the papers, and his eyes shoot to mine.

“I used a condom. I told you that. I'm not an idiot.” he says softly.

“I don’t care. I need to see it for myself, for my own peace of mind.”

He’s called back first, and with a nervous swallow and a look back at me, he follows the nurse. I’m called back shortly after, and after blood work, urine test, and the internal exam, Chris is allowed back into the exam room to wait with me while the results come back.

“You want to grab something to eat after this? You didn’t have much for breakfast earlier.” he asks.

“Uh, yeah, I-” I’m interrupted by a knock on the door followed by Dr. Hartman coming back in. By the look on her face, I just know.

“Congratulations, you guys are pregnant.”

Chris is lucky that there’s a chair right behind him, or he would have been in a world of pain when he landed. When I see him basically collapse into the chair, I get worried.

“Mr. Evans, are you okay?” Dr. Hartman asks, reaching for his wrist to check his pulse. His face is a look of pure shock, like he can’t begin to comprehend what he just heard.

“Chris?” I ask, my own emotions threatening to spill out despite knowing this was coming. I instantly feel bad for not giving him a heads up that this was a very real chance. His eyes find mine and we just stare at each other.

“I’m okay. I just- it’s- are you sure?” he asks, his voice unsteady. The doctor steps away, seemingly convinced that a movie star isn’t going to drop dead of shock in one of her exam rooms. “The tests are extremely accurate, but I’m going to go ahead and do a transvaginal ultrasound so we can take a look. If you’re far enough along, we should be able to hear the heartbeat.”

Since I’m still in the gown and haven’t gotten dressed yet, I lay back on the table and assume the position again as she pulls the ultrasound machine towards her. Chris gets up on unsteady legs and stands next to me, still looking shell shocked.

“Okay, this is going to be a little uncomfortable. Just take a nice deep breath.” she warns. I do as she says, but I still make a face when the probe is inserted. Chris is torn between watching my face and wanting to see what’s happening on the screen. Me, I’m too afraid to look anywhere but his face. For as much trepidation as I’m feeling over this pregnancy, I’m overcome with the sudden fear that she’s going to find the baby and there’s not going to be a heartbeat, just like last time, and I honestly don’t know if I can go through that twice.

“There it is.” I hear from next to me. I watch as his eyes move from mine to the screen, seeing the tiny blob in the middle of my uterus with the little flicker in the middle. A heartbeat. I still can’t bring myself to look though. Dr. Hartman, who was the one who told me that I had miscarried and performed my D&C, senses my fear, and quietly hits a button on the machine. The sound is almost overwhelming as it fills the room. I have a crazy thought that it almost sounds like clothes in the washer as it’s agitating. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. It's loud and fast and sounds strong. My eyes snap to the screen, and I immediately bring my hand to my mouth and burst into tears.

“From the size, it looks like you’re about six or seven weeks. Which is going to put the due date at about….” she stops to put some numbers into the computer. September 23rd, give or take.”

After printing off some pictures and leaving the room to let me get cleaned up and get dressed, we leave the office feeling a million different emotions. We’re both quiet on the drive home, both lost in thought. How many times have we wished for this? How many negative pregnancy tests have we seen and tossed angrily into the trash, tears threatening to spill. How many times did we say “It’s okay. It’ll happen. I know it.” only for it to happen during the worst period in our marriage?

-------------------------------

When we get home, I slowly waddle into the house, still enjoying the feeling of being able to (somewhat) walk instead of being chained to that damn wheelchair. I make my way to the back door to let Dodger out, passing Lisa, who’s watching both Chris and I with a curious, careful gaze.

I feel him behind me as I turn on the tap, filling a glass with water and downing it almost all in one gulp.

“How are you feeling?” he asks softly. He can see my hand trembling slightly as I hold the glass, and he knows he has to tread lightly.

“In general? Or about the fact that we found out I’m pregnant in the middle of our personal shit storm?”

“Both.” I drop my head. Truth be told, I’m exhausted. My arm is killing me, the nerve pain making burning pins and needles radiate over my whole arm. My leg is aching from being on it for an extended amount of time.

I’ve been trying to roll it over and around in my head for weeks. What to do if I really did have the shittiest luck in the world, and I did end up actually pregnant in this situation. I keep coming back to the bad joke that my brother made the night I found out about Chris about me not having to deal with all of this while I was pregnant.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” My voice is soft, but he hears it like I’m screaming it. “I don’t know if I can have this baby. I don’t know if my body can handle it, and I don’t know if I can handle it emotionally.”

The words punch through him like a hit from a prize fighter. He knows exactly when it happened; the night that you had come over to get a dress from your closet and we had ended up defling quite a few surfaces in the house. There’s a good chance that our baby was conceived on the dining room table.

“Are you talking about-” he can’t even bring himself to say the words. He KNOWS this the worst timing for this to happen. He KNOWS that no matter what, it’s your choice. But the thought of not having this baby with you almost brings him to his knees.

My breath hitches. “Chris, look at us. Take a good look at me, at my body. I’m broken. I’m still recovering. I’d have to be monitored more closely to make sure that everything is okay. Because we don’t know if it will be.” The thought of finally getting everything I wanted with my husband and then not having it makes my chest hurt.

“I’ve wanted kids with you since the moment you told me you loved me for the first time, and that I was it for you. I knew that you were going to be the father of my kids one day. But now, with everything, I don’t know if that’s the case anymore.”

The tears are burning my eyes, and I can feel the sobs starting to build in my throat, and I know if I don’t get out of this room right now, I’m going to lose it. I’m pretty sure that Lisa heard at least part of our conversation, and I can’t talk about it anymore without losing my mind. I set my glass in the sink and silently make my way upstairs, thinking that two of the worst conversations I’ve had in my life have come within months of each other and have both taken place in the kitchen that I loved. Now I can barely stand to be in it.

#blue christmas #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans #chris evans x wife #chris evans x kelly evans #pregnancy #angst #cheating #jenn writes

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lesbeet · 4 years ago

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how have you learned more about prose? i’ve mostly written poetry but i’m falling into prose poetry, creative nonfiction, and fiction a lot more now

another anon sent this:

“hey! i know this is a pretty big question so no pressure to respond ofc but ive been trying to get better at editing, especially with nanowrimo this year, and seeing you talk about it with LE's book, i was just wondering if you had any tips for strengthening your editing? thanks either way”

so i’m just gonna answer them together if that’s cool!

i have several books i’m gonna recommend first, and if you can access them i would absolutely suggest starting there:

first is the anatomy of story by john truby (here’s a pdf copy, but i would recommend a hard copy if possible, mostly for formatting reasons). this is much less about writing prose and much more about....well, the anatomy of a story. i’m not exaggerating when i say this book completely revolutionized the way i look at storytelling and macro-level story organization. i’ve always been able to hold my own when it came to making a sentence sound nice, but for a long time i had very little concept of story mechanics from a writer’s perspective, rather than from a reader’s perspective—you need both to write a good story. i could honestly wax poetic about this book all day so i’ll move on for now, but for real if you want more info just ask bc i’d love to discuss it further

next is the first five pages: a writer’s guide to staying out of the rejection pile by noah lukeman. unfortunately i don’t have a digital copy to link, but i’m pretty sure i found this one at half-price books for a very reasonable price. i would say i knew about half of what this book had to offer prior to reading, but what i learned from the rest has been incredibly helpful with my prose writing ever since. some of it was just that it was my first exposure to seeing someone explicitly write out certain concepts (for example, there’s a whole bit on adverbs that goes far beyond stephen king’s useless “i believe the road to hell is paved with adverbs” quote that doesn’t actually explain WHY they’re largely ineffective, and i’ve cut down my use of them dramatically since then. not here obviously slkfjksjsd but in my actual writing that i go back and edit), but i read through it again sometime early on during quarantine and i still highly recommend it. there are some fantastic examples he uses to demonstrate his points, and there are also writing/editing exercises at the end of each chapter that are pretty great

the last book i’ll recommend is self-editing for fiction writers: how to edit yourself into print by renni brown and dave king (again i don’t have a digital copy but i either read it through my library or through scribd, bc i remember reading it on my phone and screenshotting a whole bunch of stuff). i think i actually wrote some posts a while back when i was reading this one; i’ve only read it once so i don’t know it as well as the first two books i recommended, but i remember being impressed with it because it touched on concepts that i really hadn’t seen elsewhere, even after spending hours upon hours combing through writing advice blogs/websites that mostly recycled the same handful of truisms. if i’m remembering correctly, this one also has some great exercises to try out

as far as prose writing, i think the most helpful tip i can give you (aside from “use every word you read as a learning experience”) is to remember that above all, writing is communication. every single word you use or omit carries its own denotations and connotations, and context is everything. analyze and over-analyze both your own work and the work of others until you find that you're able to recognize and understand why certain things were written the way they were written (particularly for something like a novel or even an advertisement, where the words have been heavily edited, rather than like. an email or something). what was the writer attempting to communicate or achieve? were they successful? what worked effectively? what didn't, and how might it have been changed to make it more effective? most importantly, how do you know these things? (in other words, it's not enough to be able to identify what needs changing, or even what the/a solution would be. you need to know WHY it needs changing, and why those possible changes make it more effective. i try to do this for my clients when editing; i've found that explaining my suggestions/changes results in far less pushback than when they think i just changed it bc i didn't like how it sounded originally or something lol). knowing the intention of a piece of writing is also crucial--sometimes a sentence that works perfectly in one context would be nonsensical in another.

but in addition to analyzing for effectiveness, analyze for taste! make note of certain writers or books or sentences or lines of poetry that stand out to you, either because you hate them or because you love them (the latter is more useful imo). you'll probably start to see patterns. try to figure out what it is about that prose that you find so compelling. is it vivid imagery? unique uses of figurative language? starkness and clarity? (those are some of mine; your own preferences may vary.) chances are that once you've begun to develop your own unique voice as a writer, these qualities that you admire will show up, with your own personal flavor, in your writing. likewise, once you can identify exactly what it is in someone else's writing that doesn't work for you, the better you'll be able to avoid it in your own writing.

above all, practice. practice active reading, practice analyzing, practice writing, practice analyzing your own writing.

ik some of that is vague advice, but it seemed like you were asking how to learn, rather than for specific tips. i can share some of those too if you'd like, just shoot me another ask :)

most of what's here is applicable to both asks, about editing and about prose writing in particular. structure is a whole separate beast (but is definitely relevant to learning how to be a better editor) but i'd be happy to discuss that further as well.

i really hope this is helpful! i'm always always open to answer more questions :)

#anonymous #answered #writing advice #writing qs

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luminois · 3 years ago

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— fic writer tag —

tagged by @aliceu 💫

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

i think the first one i’ve ever written for was harry potter? then there was SKAM (if you’ve never watched this tv show DO IT but only the original norwegian show not all the other remakes) and then i wrote for bts for a couple years but i don’t anymore

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

stray kids only but i’ve thought about making side blogs to write about the anime i watch and genshin impact too (but i probably won’t since i’m already bad at managing one blog 🤧)

3. how long have you been writing for?

i think since i was twelve? thirteen maybe?? i read hp when i was eleven and i remember starting to write for it not too long after PLUS it was 2014 so you know that that means, it was THAT internet era lmao

4. on which platform do you post your stories?

tumblr as of now but i used to only post on ao3 and i remember making like two social media fics and posting them on twitter jsksjsk so cringe

5. what is your favorite genre to write?

fluff, any type of fluff, especially domestic slice-of-life fluff, im a sucker for happiness and happy endings and just love in general! and i’m too much of a crybaby to write angst, i’d just make myself cry constantly 😭 ALSO smut but only when i’m really in the mood and even then it always ends up just being suggestive instead of explicit smut

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

girl i don’t plan FOR SHIT i just get an idea and unless i write it immediately as i get it i’ll probably never write it because my inspiration for specific fics only lasts a couple of hours and then my mind moves on to something else 💀

7. one-shot or multi-chapter?

definitely one-shot, i struggle at being consistent and i like to think about the things i write as entire universes contained in small amount of words, like those tiny ecosistems people grow in glass jars

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

long enough to tell a whole story as a one shot or make serious progress in a multi-chapter, but not so long that it’s heavy to read so anything between 2k and 5k (but i always write stuff under 1k because the stories i tell usually lack plots and they’re just pretty to read, unless it’s a multi-chapter then i write between 1k and 3k)

9. what is your longest published story?

probably devilish, i think it surpassed 15k even if there’s still the final chapter left to publish, but i also have a 15k jikook one shot on ao3 that im NEVER showing to anybody ever

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

definitely the stray kids as hogwarts students series, i had to do so much character study and it made me love the boys even more than i already did plus it was extremely funny and it made me dive back into the harry potter universe which is very precious to me as it was my first fandom i actually joined

11. favorite request you’ve ever written and why?

its not really a request but i wrote it for someone else so i’ll consider it one and it’s operation ex aka minho being hot and getting his girl back after a break up lol, i like it a lot because i’ve never written a making up fic before this one and i wrote it for someone that was really special to me (they’re not on tumblr anymore and i don’t really have the means to contact them again so it’s kind of like the only thing i have left of them but it’s not as tragic as it sounds lol)

12. are there recurring themes in your stories?

ive been definitely indulging more into a magical, kind of ethereal vibe while before i used to write about everyday life (which i still LOVE doing btw) also the summer inspires me to write more cottage core things so that’s definitely a recurring theme

13. current number of wips?

none, zero, absolutely nothing. i don’t keep wips i just produce fics and post them right away because i don’t plan anything and my imagination is limited to magical moments of extreme inspiration followed by a long nap that leaves me too dizzy to think for the next three days after that

14. three things you have noticed about your writing?

1. im good at descriptions and bad at dialogues

2. 70% is world building, 25% characterization, only 5% plot

3. somewhat always annoyingly poetic

15. a quote you like from a published story?

“this is the last of your firsts, and you’re handing it to him on the first day of july. you didn’t plan for it but it feels like you did, your eyes finding each other as the apples roll out of the fallen basket. your body knows what to do without having to think about it, and it’s raw and warm and wet and incredible. the grass becomes your bed and that’s where you stay, breathless and sweating, white satisfaction leaving you blind while you try to remember more besides seungmin’s name.” (from this seungmin one shot, because i also don’t give titles to my stuff.)

16. a quote from an unpublished story?

see number 13 lol

17. space for you to say something to your readers

thank you so much for liking the things i write even if they’re usually just random scenes cherry-picked from bigger stories i will never write, all i wish to do is make your day a little better even if it only lasts a couple of minutes. and i’m sorry for making you witness the insane ways my mind works sometimes, but i’m happy every time i get to hear your opinions about what i do so thank you again for sticking around and making me smile 💛

tagging anyone who wants to do it plus @orphic-chan and @skzshortcake ✨

#tag game #took me long enough #this made me realize how bad i am at being an organized writer #im all over the place huh

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yeoldontknow · 4 years ago

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🖊writerly conversation tag

tagged by @j-pping to do this amazing interview/reflections tag. of course she put together one of the most amazing tags ever because she is brilliant. thank you for tagging me angel!

questions below the cut!

2020

what was the most challenging part of writing this year?

gosh...i think for me the hardest bit was staying both motivated and inspired. a lot of my inspiration comes from being out in the world. im an introvert but i enjoy being out in the city around the noise and the people and the buildings on my own. the majority of my writing used to be done while riding the subway or on a weekend after id gone out somewhere. a lot of my fics are inspired by locations, and experiences within those locations. being inside for the majority of the year made it hard for me to remember how...people interact with or relate to the spaces around them. so i felt like a lot of the time staying inspired was coming from places within just me that felt inauthentic. i think my writing benefits from my ability to see multiple perspectives, so i felt like a lot of dialogue or writing itself was suffering just coming from me alone. it took a lot of work to ensure that it wasnt like that.

and then, motivation was also so hard. the internet and the news and everything about america, the planet, the everything was unrelenting and draining. we as people were privy to so much trauma this year, to the collapse and fracture of communities, lives, governments. there were several weeks at the end of may and into june where i just...couldnt. i had no energy for anything. it happened again in november after the election and the windfall of it. energetic tensions were so high it just felt so hard to push out words when things were breaking everywhere. like there were more important things i needed to focus on, and healing was one of them.

what was the most enjoyable/rewarding part of writing this year?

i enjoyed the new community of writers/friends i found by writing for bts again. they challenged me and pushed me to better myself. @jamaisjoons is so inspirational in the way she generates community and encourages relationships between storytellers. doing the summer bucket list pushed me out of my hermit hole for camp nano, and i cranked out molotov cocktail and felt so proud of it. it mattered so much to me because it was the first long thing id written after a period of feeling deceased, and it was so enjoyable because there was a sense of community around it. its easy to forget how essential having a support system in your creative community is.

what piece has left the most impact on you and why?

probably ciperion. words cannot express how proud i am of that story and the direction its going in. i read it back sometimes and i realize that my writing was elevated because of that piece. tbh molotov was responsible for that lift, but ciperion was just a whole other tier. ive also never written anything like that story before and it felt so good exploring the themes of seafaring and pirates.

what have you learned about yourself through the process of writing in the past year?

that i absolutely am someone who took for granted how inspiring the world is even if i see it as a stressor. but also that writing isnt necessarily about being inspired. its about pushing on when its hard. some of my best pieces came from that kind of push this year. 2020 felt like...a slog through most of it, but i kept pushing myself to write even when i was low and tired. i realized that some of my best writing comes from that push, when its not easy and when its difficult and i have to think harder. thats where i grow.

how has your writing changed in the past year? how have you grown?

i think im more syntax and detailed focused than i used to be. lately ive been experimenting with making the act of reading feel like pleasure. my favourite books are the ones where i read a sentence, and im moved because it felt nice to read or it felt powerful. the sentence itself had power, not the image it was trying to convey. somehow separate, if that makes sense. theres a lot i need to learn before i could go off comfortably and try to write a book, and this is what ive been trying to master. my attention to detail has grown, and sometimes i think thats a detriment. i think sometimes im too detailed and i dont leave my reader enough power on their own. im still finding that balance, but i think im pleased right now with what im trying to push myself to master.

2021

ignoring your wips for a second, if you had all the time and energy in the world to write your magnum opus piece, what would it be about? why is that the dream story you’d write, all other things controlled for?

ive had two books in my mind forever. one was originally being written as a fanfic in a different fandom before i stopped and realized its too big and so much more important, and is worth being a book id like to write. if i wrote an opus like this it would actually be a book id submit to publishers but ~

- hundreds of years in the future, society has learned how to cure most diseases. for those we cannot, the sick person can be cryogenically frozen for a period of time until a cure is found. there is, however, a limit to the length of time they are frozen. no one has ever been frozen for over 100 years, and the main character is a scientist embarking on the experiment to do just that. it is, effectively, time travel. the main character is rash, selfish, sarcastic - not a very nice person; invested in their work and science and little else. they freeze themselves and wake up in the future. during their time in rehab they have to confront the horror theyve made of themselves, the horror people have made of the future, learn to be vulnerable. they end up falling in love with another scientist etc etc. theres so much more to this story and the world is enormous. one day ill revisit it

- a fictional play on orpheus in the underworld where a female main character’s brother was sold by their mother to the goddess of the underworld (helena instead of hades) for eternal youth. the gods all live in a hotel (the concept of this main thing is being used in elysian fields but its not remotely the same) after they were removed from the heavens. main character (ophelia) must gather several totems from the gods to prove her worth and survive her trip into the underworld to rescue him. id like to not focus on a woman finding romance, and instead a woman finding herself, her strength, her devotion to family, her power, and connecting with her history.

how do you want to grow in your writing this year?

this year id like to find balance, like i mentioned above, with my need for detail and my trust in my readers. the balance between detail and dialogue. i want to try to condense my writing again so not everything is a goddamn series. the ideas i have are huge and thats great but i need to remember how to parse things again, while still maintaining impact.

what’s one thing you’d wish to see in the fan-writing community this year?

i want more community, in general. as a multi fan, i see pockets in the kpop fandom where it exists and im well and truly aware that its recently become incredibly hard to foster on the exo side. ill just say that. maybe i dont witness it or its happening amongst blogs i havent found or have not found me. i want to see less dialogue about ‘popular blogs,’ whatever that means; less focus on notes; less worries about statistics. i want people to remember that fandom is not about numbers, and the moment you make it about that is the moment you stop having fun. i want less fear from writers regarding sharing work they read and liked, less shame around it. i want to see more vocal communication for the things people like and don’t like, more engagement and more interaction. the concept of popular blogs is so ridiculous to me, because no one has any control over the metrics. no one has control over who follows them or reads their work except the person doing the actual reading. i want people to realize they hold so much power - a person with 10k notes has as much power as a person with 2 notes because sharing is what fosters community. i want this fandom to remember to share again.

name one new thing you want to try doing in your writing this year.

gosh i really love postmodernism in writing. think like mark z danielewski, who plays with the shapes of words or the act of holding a book - the physicality of it. id like to maybe write a choose your own adventure, or do something that encompasses multiple platforms. or even, more importantly, finish as still as sound and time runner. those are more reasonable goals. time runner actually is done, i just need to stop pressuring myself about it and edit it to get it up. asas, too, is largely done i just need to get my ass together. i have so many other ideas no one has ever seen i need to finish what ive started. thats a real goal.

tagging: @yehet-me-up @jamaisjoons @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @luffles424 @yoonia @shadowsremedy @chillingkoo @onherwings @inkedtae @ninibears-erigom @imdifferentshadesofpurple @readyplayerhobi @ditzymax @sugaurora @snackhobi @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @johobi and anyone else who wants to do this. as always please only do so if comfortable or you want to!

#writer conversation tag

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savnofilter · 4 years ago

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ive been getting a lot of hate asks and stuff about my dabi fic posted yesterday and i'd post about it now rather than leave for it later. *here is the comment that was in my fic that made some people upset. it's from the original doc and has now been edited out from the story itself.

when i had written it, it was ONLY in reference to the kink (chikan) itself since it is a popular genre in hentai's/pornos and an actual issue in Japan. "sick obsession" was in reference to the perversion of groping, not the people themselves. just like if i were to write something for ex; america, it would be something like, "america had a sick obsession for teacher and student relationships". the part itself just was not the best way to describe it since i directly am not from Japan. it wasnt meant to say that "japan people are xyz". i do not believe that Japanese people are rapists, and although it came across as that anyways, i do feel sorry about it because it wasnt my intention at all. if you know me, im one of the people who hate any type of stereotypes/jokes about asian people. in me explaining the quote, i am in no way excusing what was written, just explaining what i was thinking when i wrote it. i do now understand that it was insensitive, and it was my fault for even thinking it was a good idea to put in the story in the first place.

it didnt cross my mind that to any reader that it would be offensive and it's ironic considering it placed in anime fic of all places. the line wasnt removed to cover it up, it was deleted because i realized i had fucked up and didnt want anyone else to feel like that reading my story. for that anon and anyone else who took offense to it i am very sorry because i really didnt think it through and there isnt an excuse for it. just poor judgement and writing.

the second issue is that people were saying i condone/support rape now because they think the reader gets assualted in the fic. i do not write rape nor do i condone it. never in the story does reader get raped and i even state that Dabi wouldnt do that to someone (because i believe he wouldnt), especially to someone he does/nt know. in my fics i always make sure to add in that either character x reader know each other and have discussed such kink, and or character gets a definite answer to reader that they (reader) wants it. even if i were to write it, it would be for something plot wise and not just "yes good assualt" and the whole story wouldnt sexualize it. yes it was poor timing, and yes i still believe in everything ive said before and even now.

since we're on the topic of consent fics anyways, i had also freshly started receiving hate about writing dub-con only after i had made a callout post (back in july) and all that jazz. from then, i have even stepped up from my earlier works to put in the tags to make sure that it does not come across someone's dash who doesnt want it. in addition to this, i have used better warnings on my works as well. since i think it's important to discuss it now, i will talk about what i write. 45/55 of the time when i do write dub-con, it isnt for the ✨ kink ✨ or to sexualize the moment. i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit it since i have never talked about my personal life ever on my blog so to open up about this is hard and i dont want people to perceive this as an excuse, just the p.o.v of where i produce my works.

please do not make fun of or mock me, it's hard enough talking about this as is. many events in my life have led to shaping me into thinking/believing that intercourse has to be reluctant at first to really enjoy it. since i also have enough trust issues on my own to physically cope with it, i use writing for it instead. and no, this has nothing to do with aforementioned callout post either. of course i know now from proper treatment and working on myself that sex isnt supposed to be like that but it's just my outlet with getting it out. my issue with people who write non-con/rape have not experienced it or focus it mainly on being assualted just because it makes the story "hot", which doesnt sit right with me. not only this, they do not tag/warn properly either, which i do (explanation in blue).

as a reader i do think you can send me asks like, "hey, i dont like that you did this" because i can always keep that criticism in mind for my later stories. had it been an ask (or asks) that had been genuine concern would have been fine, but the fact that people are sending around a screenshot and jumping to make posts so they can get a chance to bully me again is the same toxicity i was talking about. if you were actual supporters of mine (whether you didnt like what i wrote or not), why was the thought of sending it to people who hate me the first thought to do? were you expecting me to say i didnt do it? unlike most people i can admit to my own wrongdoings.

its the fact that REAL people were offended and you guys are using it for your sad agenda to have everyone hate me. you guys are OBSESSED with stalking me even though you cant stand me. bringing up old callout posts and then trying to shove words into my mouth that arent there show very clearly what yalls true motives are. capitalizing on my mistakes and waiting for moments where i say something you dislike is NOT you playing hero, youre just toxic people waiting for an outlet to abuse someone. stop pretending to care about issues when you dont. any asks/etc related to this that are just straight up hate will not be answered.

#tw racism #tw; racism #tw rape #tw; tape #tw noncon #tw; noncon #discourse #sav talks

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lemonietrinket · 5 years ago

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Be Nice to the Baby ||| San x Reader

Summary: Your boyfriend is ‘at war’, though you can’t understand as to why Genre: Crack/humour, some angst, happy ending with fluff Warning(s): Foul language (2x s**t, 1x f**k), mild jealousy over something rather trivial Word Count: 1913 Song(s): Cheer Up - Twice AN: this is an apology for how empty my blog has been if you ignore my reblogs. truth be told i have been writing, but everything ive written so far is birthday presents (so will come out on the day) or still not ready to be published so, here is a short thing in consolation :((

~~~

“Well good afternoon, little shit,” San announced as soon as his eyes narrowed upon his nemesis. He slunk over to the sofa before crouching to be eye level, a sour pout upon his lips. “I see you’ve already decided that you rule the goddamn roost here, but unfortunately for you I’m here to remind you that this is my house, and therefore my rules, and so you better give me back my fucking chair.” When he received no response, he spat a sigh, “Wow, how immature—silent treatment? Wow. What a... childish… child you are.”

San rose to his feet, folding his arms as he would if lecturing a child or one of his group mates and stood his ground against his arch-enemy. He was met with a stony glare, unwavering in its force that quickly forced him to back down—not that he would admit it. As soon as he found his stare skittering away he sat down once again, raising his finger in an accusatory, jabbing point.

“I know what you’re up to,” he whispered, a snide laugh picking at his words, “yes! You can’t fool me. I know what your game is, what you’re playing at. You are a fool to try and best me in passive aggressive battle for I am the king!” Once again he was met with silence, that unblinking stare harrowed in on San and him alone, analysing his every move. The look was unreadable and he loathed that fact. He figured he could have ignored it, learned to get along with it but he had figured wrong—he had underestimated that look’s power, and he vowed to never make the same mistake again. This was the tipping point, something had to be done. He would not be beaten again.

“I know you believe that you are invincible but it is an arrogant belief, and I will prove it to you, as I will not let you steal my cuddles again.”

His opponent’s bright knowing eyes slid away from him as she licked her paws indignantly, paying no attention to his ‘threat’ in the slightest.

San scoffed a shocked gasp. “How dare you—you feel no remorse do you?! You will do it again—you believe there’s nothing I can do to stop you! Well, mark my words I will get my hugs and kisses before you can get a word in edge-ways, you under—?!”

A flat click resonated through the apartment as a key was slid into the lock on the front door. The creature before him immediately sat up, head raised and ears turned towards the origin of the sound, before she scarpered across the sofa towards it.

“Hey—wait—!”

Before he could even reach the doorway into the next room, the speedy lump of fluff had disappeared, followed by the creak of an opening door and concluded with a scream mixed with cooing.

“Awww, hello babie! How’s my lil sweet lionheart hmm? Yes I’m back now! I missed you too sweetie, I know you want cuddles, let me put my stuff down first ok?”

San crumpled to his knees upon the rug. It was littered with cat hair, only reminding him further to resign himself to his fate—one of which he couldn’t have even imagined back when he’d agreed to get a pet. He understood all the pros and had weighed the cons carefully but it still hadn’t been enough. He was being replaced by a cat. What a way to go out.

“Love, I’m—! Oh, you’re right here, hello!”

So preoccupied in his own wallowing he hadn’t noticed you head further inside until you chirped a greeting. You were smiling your classic beam that always raised his spirits, hobbling towards him as you tried to slip off your shoe without using your hands. Confused as to why you were making life harder for yourself he didn’t have to look far as there, cradled in your arms like a baby, was none other than his nemesis.

“Awww, was Sannie giving you a game?” his girlfriend cooed at the cat, who responded by rubbing her cheek against your shoulder. You continued to baby talk to her as you glanced at your boyfriend still moping on the rug, “Aw, baby, are you and Sannie getting along now? Are you playing well together?”

When he didn’t answer despite the fact it was aimed at him, the small clues fell together like a jigsaw and you were left sighing, “San, were you bullying the baby again?”

“What? No!” he spluttered, at last pushing himself off the floor, “Of course not! What do you take—she’s bullying me!”

“San, really?” You shook your head incredulously, stroking the cat’s with the back of your finger. “Honestly what is up with you? Why don’t you two get along? You’re not jealous are you?” you snickered.

You had been joking, teasing almost, with the last part. It seemed too nonsensical—who got jealous of a cat? It made no sense.

Cats were amazing, yes, and you knew it. You totally understood why people often chose cats and other pets, because they were just so good; they were soft and fluffy and adorable and warm and offered company even if they couldn’t talk so to speak. Each one had their own personality and preferences, it made total sense. However, to you, your boyfriend was all of that plus more—well, minus the fluffy bit for the most part, but his hair was! He was kind and supported you in a way that only another person could, he understood you and you couldn’t imagine life without him—hence why you suggested adopting a pet together. How could he be compared at all?

And yet, as soon as those thoughts crossed your mind you took one look into his guilty eyes and realised that that was exactly what he was doing.

Unfortunately the empathy part didn’t quite make it into your reactions in time. “Oh my god you are!” you exclaimed, mouth hanging open as you watched him face sour into a scowl.

“I am not jealous.”

You shook your head earnestly, a guilt-humour concoction fizzling in your gut. “No, San, wait, it—!”

With lips pressed shut he turned his back and strode off in the direction of the kitchen, leaving you alone in the living room. Exhaling carefully so he wouldn’t hear you let your cat down onto the sofa. She appeared confused, little head tilting upwards to question why you would abandon her so, leading you to hush her with a scratch behind her ear, “I’m sorry sweetheart. I love you very much I promise, I’ve just got to sort out the bigger baby of the house real quick, I’ll be back.”

Leaving her to her own devices as you chased after your boyfriend, you found him rummaging around aimlessly in one of the cupboards, mumbling the words ‘stupid’ and ‘silly’ to himself. If you hadn’t known he was grumpy then this would have been a dead giveaway. Listening carefully to what he was muttering, you worked out that he was having a go at himself rather than anyone else, and that sealed the deal for you, relief tingling in your chest.

You approached him, rolling your eyes and hiding the smile that kept threatening to twitch at the corners of your lips. “San?”

He turned but didn’t look at you because his head was kept down, having finally procured an old glass at the back of the cupboard. As he headed towards the fridge you spoke up again.

“Ok, so, if you’re not jealous, then what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong is that my girlfriend loves a cat more than she loves me!” he whirled around, features hardened yet wet at the same time, before the regret dripped from his face much like the colour did. He swallowed thickly as he waited for you to call him out as he knew he deserved.

“So... you are jealous, then.”

“Yeah,” he admitted, a bite in his blunt confession. He didn’t look at you, feeling like he’d made a right fool of himself which now thinking about it, probably didn’t help his cause whatsoever.

Unable to stifle it any longer, you let out a breathy chuckle. Yes he was a fool, but he was your fool and you wouldn’t want him any other way. While making your way over to him his mouth opened, but you cut him off before he could speak by reaching up to cup his jaw gently with your fingers and planting a kiss on his cheek.

“That,” you began, placing one on his other cheek, “is not,” and another upon the tip of his nose, “true,” you finished with a chaste one upon his lips. As you pulled away to find he seemed to gravitate towards your touch, you got your words out before he could interrupt them with passion of his own. “I love you more than anything else in the world, Choi San, and no one or thing can change that, so don’t you ever doubt it or yourself again, ok?”

He nodded and his hands swept to your back pulling you in close like he wanted. His kiss melded with yours heavily this time as the crease of his concern slowly faded away. His caress was laced with sincerity as he ran his hand to stroke your back, body melting into you.

His love would never get old, you knew that, just as you hoped his touches would never cease. His lips were warm, his embrace comforting and he smelt of home; there was nothing more that could make you happier.

When you pulled away, your breath thoroughly stolen, you leant your forehead against his as you ran your hand through his hair. Once he’d pressed a light-hearted kiss to your nose he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

You couldn’t help but giggle. “It’s ok, I just can’t believe you were jealous of a cat. She doesn’t even do anything!”

“Yeah, I know, it’s silly,” he gushed, “please don’t tell the others.”

“Well,” you pretended to think over on it, until his softened eyes widened and you decided to ease up on him if only a bit for now, “only if you don’t tell them about the time when I dropped paint on the floor and cried while trying to scoop it back up with my bare hands.”

He brought up his pinky for you to take, “Deal?”

“Deal.”

After interlocking your fingers, you took advantage of how he was leant against the counter top and laid your head on his chest, wrapping your arms around him like a teddy bear. He reciprocated by nestling his cheek into your crown while his fingertips played with the ends of your hair. He twirled the locks round the pads, easing knots out of them and very gently tugging every now and again, knowing full-well how therapeutic you found it.

“So I’m guessing this means you want more hugs and kisses,” you finally uttered, words flowing effortlessly as you relaxed fully.

“Yes, please.”

“Wow, even more?” you chuckled, inhaling deeply, “Do you want them before the baby gets them?”

San hummed. “I mean, ideally but I suppose she usually beats me to it.”

“I dunno, you could sit by the door and wait for me to come home—”

“Like a dog?”

“No, not like a dog. You’re not much of a dog… now a puppy? That’s more like it.”

“What—?!”

“I’m only teasing. So do you want the baby talk too?”

“NO!”

~~~

AN: i wrote this out of the blue from a random idea i had in the morning. meanwhile i cant write anything long even tho i plan them out and have many ideas literally every week for them. make it make sense, please.

Masterlist

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iinfortunii · 4 years ago

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rules: code of conduct.

BEGIN.

Before we start, I would like you to have certain things in mind when approaching me ooc. I am very shy and quite awkward, which results in me not being much of a talker; however, I will always try my best to be friendly to whoever wants to approach. I dislike pet names so please do not use them with me unless we are very close. There will be times when I'm just exhausted, so my wording could sound rude/aggressive, to which I apologize in advance -I never mean to hurt people’s feelings. I also reserve the right to interact with WHOEVER I want, and pestering me about it will only get you blocked.

Updates will be made as required.

I. BASIC.

A. This blog is: Selective / Independent / Canon Divergent / NSFW / Mutuals only / Singleship / Mostly iconless / Multiverse / AU, Crossover, OC, and Multimuse friendly / Vaguely affiliated with the OP RP fandom.

B. I am a very slow rper for many reasons —school, family, my ever-fluctuating mood —and I would appreciate it if you refrained from pestering me for replies. In return I offer as much patience as necessary. Think of this blog as low activity please.

C. English is not my mother language so I apologize in advance for any mistakes made.

D. I track the tag #iinfortunii, although mentioning me works just as fine.

E. Constructive criticism is always welcome but anon hate will be immediately deleted. I have no problems if you disagree with my portrayal, but it doesn't give you the right to harass me.

F. Mun and muse are both over 18, so there are chances that heavy content will be present; however I won't be writing smut. I can roleplay anything before or after the act if requested, but the moment things get far too explicit, I'll do a fade-to-black. I ask of you to not lie about your age or else you’ll be blocked indefinitely.

G. This is a heavily headcanon-based blog, and changes are likely to be made as more information is revealed about him, though I reserve the right to adjust the new information according to my interpretation of Deuce or simply ignore it, which is why I’m canon divergent.

H. If you'd like to turn an ask into a thread, you can turn it into a new post, or reblog from me, as I won't be using the Tumblr asks anymore due to the problems that come with formatting and such.

I. Ask box is open for everyone ic or ooc, but you aren't allowed to turn it into a thread and nor I will reply to it if we’re not mutuals. Please don't push me, because I won't hesitate to block.

J. No godmoding —only a minor is allowed if it moves a thread forward —or metagaming, please. Don't kill Deuce either, unless plotted beforehand, and most importantly, don't hold your muse back.

K. Discord is available for mutuals upon request.

L. Just because I write something it does not mean I condone it. Please have this in mind and again, do not pester me about it. Any and all nsfw matters will be tagged accordingly. There will be triggering topics present, and you can know more about this on the section below.

M. DO NOT involve me in drama or call-out posts. I’m heavily against both things. On this note, you’ll never see me rebloging a call-out post. This culture is so damaging and toxic, and I firmly believe no one should play the role of the judge for the good of the community just because you had issues with someone or don’t agree with the things they roleplay. Talk things privately, be mature about it, hard-block the person and move on. I am also very aware that a lot of people have done things that can’t be excused, but I like to believe that people can change for the better. If you try to drag me into it, I'll hard block any and all people involved indefinitely.

II. TRIGGERS.

A. They will be tagged as trigger tw, trigger / and trigger cw.

B. I do my best to stay up to date with my mutuals triggers. Your comfort is way more important to me than you might think, so never be hesitant to approach me via IM, (anonymous) ask or stop following me.

C. Triggers that are likely to appear, although some more than others: violence || blood || death || drugs || abuse || knives || body image || medical equipment || suggestive content || etc

D. I have no triggers, so you are free to go wild with your content. I only ask you remember to tag your nsfw (both written and visual), please.

III. INTERACTIONS.

A. Deuce won't like everyone. He might/will make wrong assumptions about your character. He will insult and bite back. He won't always be nice to those he likes. He does many things that serve his interests. You, as the mun, have no reason to take it personal, because I'm won't follow someone I don't like; if you DO take it personal however, and decide to rouse drama, then I'll be hard-blocking you. Goes for me as well —I have no reason to get angry for any of the things noted above.

B. My bonds page displays the relationships that have been built over time, not necessarily through interaction alone but over plotting as well. Refer to it for more information.

C. Interactions with OCs related to canon characters will only take place as long as said OCs have a detailed about page. Personally, I'm not interested in the idea of an OC being blood-related to my portrayal, so I apologize in advance.

D. Formatting isn’t a big thing across my blogs, save for the small text. Please don’t mix either sup/sub with small text when writing with me, as I have eyesight problems. Don’t use colored text either.

E. Non-romantic pre-established relationships are allowed! Just make sure to talk it out with me first, yeah?

01. Spade / Whitebeard pirates (canon and original characters alike that i am MUTUALS with) will have a pre-established relationship as long as the other mun is comfortable with such idea, though that relationship will be limited to merely crewmates, unless discussed otherwise.

F. You don’t need to match my writing length as long as I’m given enough to work with. If something about my reply bothers or doesn’t work with you, let me know and I’ll re-work it.

G. I really enjoy plotting scenarios or talking out about the relationships my muse could have with other muses, so hit me up if you’ve got any ideas! I’ll try to do the same!

H. Mun does not equal muse, so don’t go assuming I’m a jerk simply because Deuce is an asshole from time to time. I’m set on the idea that I’ll give people the same treatment they give me —which is always nice and kind. Kudos to everyone for this ♡

I. I don’t use a threadtracker because I rely on my memory (terrible mistake, I know), but I try to draft people’s replies as soon as I see them. If by any reason it seems like I lost it, then please let me know / send me a link with it and I’ll be deeply grateful.

J. I don’t do nor reply to greetings starters for matters of my own comfort, so I ask of you to never expect a starter or a reply from them.

IV. SHIPPING.

A. Singleship, with the spot taken by daadzi, which means Deuce is no longer open for romantic relationships.

01. Under no circumstances, I will accept more romantic relationships once the spot is taken. That being said, I won’t discourage your muse from falling for / hitting on him, although I ask you to understand he will never respond with the same interest or will never react gently if he’s pushed too far.

02. If my shipping partner is comfortable enough, I'll interact with duplicates with the condition that the relationship is strictly platonic.

B. Constant interaction, mutual interest, and chemistry are a must for the sake of better communication (both ic and ooc, preferably).

C. Please do not approach me if you wish our characters to have either a: one night stand or friends with benefits type of relationships. It won’t work out due to the nature of Deuce’s personality, and for that I apologize.

E. My ship has its own tag so you're free to block it if you don't want to see it on your dashboard. In addition, I'll also tag those posts with only the ship name for this very purpose.

F. Please do not force ships on me.

V. CELEBRATIONS.

A. First off, I am absolutely terrible at keeping up with dates, and to be frank, I am not the biggest fan of celebrating, which is why I think it’s necessary to say I won’t be partaking in any holidays, not even Deuce’s birthday (not that he has one, to begin with). Obviously I will still reply to any gifts received, and will send out things in return —you know, common courtesy.

B. I won't be sending out birthday gifts every year, and I might write drabbles for people once in a blue moon; it doesn’t mean they will be done for the specific date though, so please be patient.

VI. REASONS TO NOT FOLLOW BACK / UNFOLLOW.

A. Too much drama / call-outs / vague posts / sexual content.

B. Content makes me uncomfortable.

C. You are a personal blog without a visible rp sideblog. Please make sure it's easy to find.

D. You do not have a proper tag system.

E. Your blog doesn’t have a rules and about pages.

F. You lack the manners to deal with people respectfully.

G. I have no interest / lost interest.

H. I'm constantly / only used as a meme archive.

I. Other reasons may apply. I will soft block so we can both cease following each other and avoid any potential awkward situations. I won’t make a fuss if you decide to unfollow so I expect the same courtesy.

VII. ABOUT BEATRICE.

She is not a real person. Her concept as Deuce’s (toxic) pseudolover is my creation and was somewhat inspired from the real life Beatrice Portinari. Do have in mind that Deuce doesn’t talk about her so your muse can’t simply approach him and ask about her unless they can go through his memories / read his mind / any capability alike or he speaks about her, though it won't take a genius to figure out that she's a product of his imagination.

You can read about her by clicking here -link to be added.

She serves as a lie to shield himself from the internalized homophobia he deals with up until meeting Ace.

NOTE: As stated previously, Mun =/= muse, but I too have been dealing with compulsory heterosexuality for far too long, so I'd like to apologize in advance for projecting a bit of that into my portrayal. I'll work so that this part makes sense with what we've been given from Ace's novel.

VIII. MISCELLANEOUS.

A. I will never force people to follow me, so if by any reason you have to unfollow/block me, please go ahead. Your comfort matters and have every right to do what you must to ensure your wellbeing. With that said, I will not tolerate and will immediately hard block if you try to police my content.

B. I do not follow back immediately, and it can take me from a few hours to several days to follow back. Do not take it personally if I choose not to.

C. If I follow it’s because I am interested in interacting. I only ask you to be patient because it might take me a while to gather the courage to send something to your inbox or talk to you.

D. I have. ZERO knowledge about medicine. Don’t expect me to go full force and try to be 100% accurate, because I won’t.

E. I practice reblog karma (send a meme to someone if I’m rebloging it from them). If you see something you’d like to reblog but have no intention in sending something yourself, then please reblog from the source.

IX. FINISH.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! As you might have noticed, there’s no password to send. Make sure to check the psa tag for any updates, or don’t hesitate to send an ask if there’s anything unclear! I do my best so as not to post too much OOC posts, but sometimes it just happens. If it's nothing important, then I'll erase it whenever I have the chance/remember.

Keanu Reeves vc: You’re all breathtaking!

#pinned post.#long post #❝ —talking nonsense ; ooc #❝ —off to new adventures ; queue #ooc.#queue.#[ this is a very long post btw ]

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thesunnyshow · 4 years ago

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Name: reya

Writing Blog URL(s): @chu-ni

Age: 19

Nationality: african-british

Languages: english, swahili, korean

Star Sign: libra

MBTI: enfp/entp (it always changes lol)

Favorite color: purple!

Favorite food: i really love chicken burgers

Favorite movie: princess and the frog

Favorite ice cream flavor: vanilla!!

Favorite animal: elephants

Go-to karaoke song: fancy - twice

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering? caramel frappe with whipped cream, in general i prefer tea though

Dream job (whether you have a job or not)? secretary general at the UN….or an author

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose? making anyone agree with me and do what i want them to do

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose? ancient egypt!!

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you?.....no.

Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized horses or one horse-sized chicken? neither if i could lmfao but i’d go for 100 chicken sized horses

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been? the nerd who’s actually really pretty after she gets a cool makeover

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures? im not sure about aliens, but i definitely believe in ghosts and spirits.

What are some small things that make your day better? when i can have moments to myself to enjoy my own company. or when someone asks me what i want to eat and they bring it for me 🥺

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know? uhm…...probably the fact that i write fanfiction lol..but outside of that! i sing in the shower. and i talk to myself a lot.

What fandom(s) do you write for? nct dream currently, but in the future i want to expand to other groups!

When did you post your first piece? 17th of June 2018.

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why? i can never write just one genre. predominantly i write fluff with a dash of angst for spice simply because i love a story that has an issue and then having that issue be resolved for a happy ending. when i started my blog i was 17, and so i said i wouldn't write smut. now that i'm older im feeling more and more comfortable writing suggestive content at the very LEAST.. so maybe in the future i might write smut, who knows? i like writing fluff because i like making people feel good, but i like adding angst to it because i feel like the contrast between the two is very *chefs kiss* to me.

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc? i only write x readers!

Why did you decide to write for Tumblr? i first got tumblr when i was 13 years old and i was a fresh kpop fan lmfao. i wanted somewhere that shared my interests. of course i discovered x reader fics on here and i was in awe, i guess of how much power writers had in contributing to fandom content and keeping readers satiated. i’d always loved to write and so i’d always wanted to start my own writing blog, and for 2 years i did write for other blogs! it wasnt until 2018 that i finally took the leap and decided to start my own, because i wanted to impact people's emotions and take them on a journey through my writing.

What inspires you to write? what inspires me….teen movies, music!! music is a big one for me, and also the books that i read. i also grew up playing otome games so the plots and writing from those influence my writing a lot.

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most? i really enjoy writing royalty!aus as well as exes!aus. i love to do them cause they require me to build a world and with royalty aus specifically i love weaving together bits of political intrigue, or arranged marriages, etc. its so much fun!!

What do you hope your readers take away from your work? that if this world is too rough or too much, you can always escape from it. it might not be physical, but immersing yourself in a universe that's entirely different for a little while can help soothe you.

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively? usually i try and take breaks. the problem with that is that my breaks can go on for longer than i’d like and im trying to fix that. so my other solution is to read read read!! read as much as i can, or go back to books that i loved. ask myself what i liked about the writing, what are some parts that i thought were amazing examples of good writing - i note them down then see if i can apply that to my own work. another thing i do is take a break from writing my longer, fleshed out works and write blurbs! blurbs are a great way for me to write but not feel like its tedious because i don't have to spend as much time on them and it gets me into the groove of writing without feeling stressed out.

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful? my favourite piece of work is miscommunication. it took me months to write that, even after i lost all the work halfway through, and its the longest piece of work i have written so far, so its kinda like my baby. my most successful is candy jar. its also the work i owe my blog exposure to - it was the first piece i published, and it was also the first piece of writing i did in around 4 years.

Who is your favorite person to write about? i don't have much out for them, but i really enjoy exploring mark’s and jeno’s characters. they're people, but in my work i enjoy analysing them and judging how they’d act in different contexts.

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose? the only difference for me is that fanfiction (depending on the fandom) has some of the stuff fleshed out for you already, such as the world its in. if youre the type to write AUs then the only thing you already have is the characters - the planning, the writing, the drafting, and everything else is still the writer's responsibility. therefore there isn't much of a difference between the two for me.

What do you think makes a good story? a good story, to me, is one that takes me on a journey. it could be any genre, but i like to feel immersed and connected to the characters and the world in it. also aside from the obvious, like good grammar, a good story feels natural to read. i don't feel like skim reading half of it.

What is your writing process like? my writing process consists of me getting inspiration - usually from a song, or a film or a book ive read or a game ive played - i note down my idea and who i want the story to be about, and then bullet point the whole story, with some snippets of particular dialogue i want the reader or the other person to say at certain scenes. i then open another document ( i have a writing app on my phone, called werdsmith, so i use that!) and set a word count goal i want to hit so i can track my progress and start writing the fic, with fleshed out language and exposition. when im done (usually after a couple weeks up to a few months, depends on the length of the plan) i read through it to fix any mistakes, then i transfer it to docs so i can read it again and italicise any areas i feel need it.

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story? i...don't think so. mainly because the original fiction i read and would like to write for myself is predominantly fantasy, whereas the fanfic i write on my blog is usually non-idol, normal fics.

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand? im a SUCKER for enemies to lovers, royalty ofc, “and they were roommates”, and i think superhero aus are really cool but there isnt enough of them :( idol/you as member aus....not feeling her… also abo/werewolf/vampire aus….not feelin em

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you? a LOT. a HUGE amount!! i said before how i like giving my readers somewhere where they can immerse themselves as an escape, even for a short while. hearing about how my work affected them, made them feel, makes me feel less insecure about what im writing and thus more confident to publish it.

What has been one of the biggest factors of your success (of any size)? i’d say reblogs. and also putting out more content. when i first uploaded candy jar i went to my one of my favourite writers (jaeminlore) and asked her if she'd be okay with reading it and giving feedback. to my surprise she loved it and her reblogging it to all her followers is literally what gave me a bunch of followers all of a sudden who loved what i’d written. to keep that momentum i created more and more content, and while i haven't uploaded as often as i've wanted to or written as much as i’d wanted to, i can say i have a good amount of work on my masterlist for people who are looking for more to read.

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged? 100%. fanfic has an unfair reputation for just having bad writing and cringey fics (and i feel like this is because of the way society views the demographics who predominantly consume and create it), when in reality i feel like those who write fanfiction are extremely talented and selfless people. they're on the internet creating content for free for people to enjoy and like any other work of art they're putting time and effort into it. i think it should be respected. any form of art is going to have its good and bad sides.

Do you think art can be a medium for change? hmmm….yes. i feel it can be a way to reflect the thoughts of people and also be a way to inspire people to do more.

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself? sometimes. sometimes i feel like i'm forcing myself to write because i feel like if i don't then people will forget about me or they’ll forget about my blog. while what i choose to write about is for me, i feel like the speed of my writing and what im writing isn't to the quality i want it to be cause i feel like i gotta get it out for people to read.

Do you ever feel like people have misunderstood you or your writing at times? i've never felt that way!

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr? only 2 of my friends know, and i only told them like. a week ago!

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers? i wish you guys would message me more! i'm quite a sociable person, and i’d love to have regular anons who talk to me 👉🏽👈🏽

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there? i think one common thing amongst all writers is that we write what we want to read. so don't feel like nobody's gonna read your work, cause somebody will. you gotta act like your work is top tier even if someone says it isn't - always write the best you can, and just do it! like don't even give yourself time to overthink it, write that fic, make it look pretty, upload it onto tumblr and do not be afraid to ask your favourite fic writers to read your work once its up!! i’d be happy to read and give feedback for any fic writers as well so don't feel afraid!

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr? ive been on here for 7 years….i grew up on this site lmfao. but i don't think i regret joining tumblr once.

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey? shes not very active anymore and i miss her very much but user hyuck-s was so supportive and i love her!!

Pick a quote to end your interview with:

she believed she could, so she did.

BONUS ROUND: K-POP CONFIDENTIAL

#@chu-ni #thesunnyshow #featuredauthor #episode 32 #nct dream

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fivour · 4 years ago

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2/7/8/10/11/20/24/25/28/29/30 yes im very curious in your writing ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ i admire you a lot and i think that your writing style is one of the best ive ever read

ok cat boy here we go (thank u)

2. what time of day do you think is the best to write?

Writing during the late afternoon or early evening seemed to make it easier while I was writing every single day, but that’s probably because I wake up really late lol. I’ve heard that late night hours make creativity in general easier (don’t remember why), and that’s always held true for me as well. Fifty percent of my fics were written at three a.m. and then edited later.

7. which character that you’ve written is most like yourself?

I pretty much exclusively write characters that I kin (joking... sort of), but uhh... I think Jotaro and Fugo might be up there? I’d say Vanilla Ice, too, but that’s probably because I’ve inadvertently projected my own problems onto him.

8. which character is your favorite to write? why?

I don’t think I have a favorite. I do like writing Vanilla Ice since he’s such a blank slate thanks to how little we saw in canon. He has a rough outline for a personality and background, but it’s up to the writer to fill in the details. I also like reading other fics and seeing how other people interpret him.

10. do you have a specific philosophy that you go by when you write?

I don’t know if I’d call it a philosophy, but some of the rules I always stick to are:

Post everything. Someone will like it, even if you don’t.

Push through the writer’s block. It will break itself up if you do.

When the story is done, the story is done. Don’t write any more.

11. what were your favorite books as a child?

When I was really young (like 5-7yrs old), I loved to have Gulliver’s Travels read to me. Like every night. Every single night. I also had a mild obsession with this one obscure series about fairies, but I don’t remember the title of it.

Then during second grade, that Magic Treehouse series was all the rage in our little 8 year old midst, so I was into that. From then on it was Percy Jackson for like five years, babey! Thanks to my third grade teacher who is the only reason I read/write today... she was a real one.

20. what color scheme is your current work in progress?

Hint at the book cover’s color scheme.

24. do you prefer first or third person? why?

As a writer, third person limited all the way. Writing “I” and subsequent pronouns is very, very weird and feels like I’m writing a blog post, not a novel. I also tend to forget who I’m writing about if the name is not frequently mentioned. Third person limited is a happy compromise between my penchant for writing emotion and my hatred of “I”.

As a reader, it depends. In fanfiction, I cannot read first person at all. It feels too unnatural and is usually a sign of a younger/less experienced writer, because most YA books are written in first person. In published work, I don’t have much of a preference. If it’s in first person, though, I will never remember the narrator’s name. That’s just a given.

25. how do you defeat writer’s block?

I write.

If I’m just feeling unmotivated in general, like recently, I just have to write. If I’m completely blocked up, I’ll take a prompt/concept/etc. that I thought of before and write it, even if I won’t finish it.

Sometimes I get blocked up halfway through a piece, like with this fic. It was originally going to be something very different and much longer, but I couldn’t find a way to segue into it. So I cut it off, moved it over to my main account, and finished writing out the scene that already began. Is it my best work? No. But the image I got for the premise was way too vivid to let it go to waste.

28. what’s your inspiration for writing?

It’s easy. Writing is one of the few creative fields that comes completely naturally to me, so it doesn’t bring all the anxiety that other trades do. It’s also cathartic and if I’m upset, it’s way easier to write that out from a character’s perspective instead of mine.

Other than that, it’s comments. I still remember a lot of comments that I’ve gotten because they made me genuinely happy.

29. which style/era of writing do you most fit in with?

I don’t know. I don’t want to say my style is classic since I literally just write about anime boys snogging; but it is prose heavy and utilizes a lot of long sentences and repetition, which I don’t often see in recent novels (maybe I’m reading the wrong ones, I don’t know). I think the best ‘match’ would be Donna Tartt’s writing (specifically in the 90s) or Stephen King’s, not that I’m anywhere near as good as either of them. Because I’m not. But I do try to emulate both of them, since I like them both.

I’ve noticed that if I’m writing a longer story (like Art & Pain), I tend to decrease how prose heavy my style is. I personally hate that, because detail is everything to me, and I’ve been working to stop doing it.

30. what’s your favorite part about writing?

The psychology side of it. How will this character react to this? Would these two get along? Would they think of this or that? Would they feel this or that? etc. It all challenges me to think using a thought process that is not my own. That helps me in everyday life, and helps me work towards my career goals, to an extent.

Also, words are fun.

#writing #ask #writeblr #writers on tumblr

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kumoriyami-xiuzhen · 5 years ago

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Hakuoki Kyoka-roku Saito CG Character Perspective

Sooooooo…. apparently there are character perspectives audio lines in the 2013 Hakuoki Kyoka-roku vita game…. which I didn’t really notice until after re-reading the translation list from where I found the TL for the ones from Zuisouroku (other kyoka-roku stuff won’t be done til next year)….The format of these posts will be the same as the Zuisouroku character perspectives, and while there are less cgs with voiced dialogue, each cg has 5 lines of dialogue… with 6 cgs per guy aside from Kazama who only has 3 cgs with dialogue (i’d say huzzah for less tl work but some of these lines are quite long).

Unfortunately, I do not have access to the posting with Heisuke’s cgs from this game… *sigh* I’ve tried figuring out weibo’s blog.sina to try and gain access to that and some of those other postings since there’s a posting with 3 tracks (of 7) for a drama that I’m missing similar to the One Inch Samurai that I really wanna have translated (in it, saito, hijikata, harada and kazama shrink due to some mysterious concoction of ishida sanyaku that was in some tea that was apparently meant for ‘waga yome’ according to a message left by the teapot it was in which saito then chose to serve after disregarding the message)…but ive sadly had no luck in doing so since i think the original author of the post made it encrypted..... (tho i do have the cd if anyone wants to help get it translated).

Anyway, this was the post that disappeared from my queue.... though I somehow managed to recover it by getting my tumblr exported. Also, none of these images are mine and I took them off the tl post i found.... maybe if i somehow get to picking up this game will i change the pics (haha.....ha.....).

Enjoy~!

Hakuoki Kyoka-Roku Saito CG Character Perspective

Translation by KumoriYami

(Face) Is my face dirty? “Seeing such an earnest expression will make you feel entranced”? That’s the first time someone ever said that to me…. No, I’m not shy. Don’t mind it.

(Body) What, what are you doing..?! Ah…….sorry. Because you suddenly ran into/hit me.

(Scarf) This scarf is always with me.

(Scarf) Why are you so interested in this scarf [or? in scarves]/Why do you care so much about this scarf [/about scarves?]

[i hate how Chinese isn’t clear with nouns being singular and plural.]

(Katana) At that time, I clearly remembered what happened. Your sword was very skilful which caused me to be unable to hold my strength back. [However] Believing too much in oneself is also your fault [??? I’m assuming it says Being overconfident is also your fault]. I’m very sorry for frightening you.

(Left Hand) Is it really rare/strange to be left-handed?

(Left Hand) The Shinsengumi, which accepted me for being left-handed, is my home.

(Left Hand) Do not take the risk of reaching out to someone’s hand holding a sword.

(Katana) This sword has tasted the blood [literally: “suck blood”] of countless people. Eventually, I will die in battle due to being unable to hold my sword, which is something that I have mentally prepared for. But you told me, that this sword has protected you. The rationality of preserving life cannot easily be abandoned, this truth, is something that you taught me.

(Chizuru) Thinking about it now, I may have been deeply attracted to you from then on. Hoping that I would live, because of this sentence that you said to me, those words shocked my heart(/mind/soul) more than anything.

(Face) When I heard you say that you would be staying together with me, I was stunned. At the time, I was prepared to die, but you unexpectedly saw through me [says: my mind].

(Hair) Wherever you touch, it always feels warm.

(Hair) Compared to my hair, yours is more beautiful.

(Hair) Don’t touch me like that. That will also make me want to touch your hair too…

(Hand) Just by having you at my side/As long as you’re around, I have nothing to fear. I am convinced that I am happier than any other man on the battlefield. Thanks to you, I am who I am today.

[the first tl is more literal for the first sentence ^]

(Clothes) After getting used to them, Western-styled clothes are actually quite comfortable [TL is literally: “very good”].

(Clothes) Even if you are not holding me tightly, I will not leave you.

(Clothes) Don’t stare at my clothes too closely… I will never fasten a button incorrectly again. [LOL....]

(Chest) Did you notice how my body was trembling/shaking then? Even though I was nervous at the time, I was always worried about making you scared or being hated by you…. but as long as you are at my side, I can become strong.

(Chizuru’s Hand) Your hands are really small. But these are the hands that firmly held/grasped onto me. From now on, I will protect your hands.

(Body) Don’t worry. I will never become a rasetsu again.

(Body) Even without personally touching with your own hands to confirm it, I will also never leave your side/I will always be there for you [1st interpretation is more literal].

(Body) Whenever you touch me, my heart becomes warm.

(Body) If I lost to Kazama, you would have been taken away by him. Thank you for believing in me. You entrusting your life to me, this gave me the key to victory.

(Kazama) If I was fighting alone, I would certainly lose [CH tl roughly says: be incapable of prevailing/achieving victory]. It’s because I had my comrades, as well as you, that I was able to win that fight. [Although I] clearly said that I would be protecting you, in the end perhaps, I was protected by you.

(Face) Even if samurai no longer exist, and even if the world changes, the desire of wanting to live with you for the rest of [my] life, will never change.

[might say: “protect you for the rest of my life” since the word “守” can also mean protect/guard/nearby and what follows is “终老” which means to spend one’s years - literally ‘until aged’]

(Clothes) I told you, I hope that you don’t pull at my clothes after calling for me….. rather I want you to call me by my name.

(Clothes) Wherever you touch, I don’t know why [but] it becomes quite warm.

(Chizuru’s Hand) If you are worried, I will never wear such thin [clothes] when going out in the future.

(Snow) Before I never cared about this, but I think this scenery/view is quite/very beautiful. I want to admire this beautiful view together with you. Now that I think about it, this way of thinking is lovely. Thanks to you changing me, I am able to stand here.

——————-

….I wish there was dialogue for when Saito fell onto Chizuru…. or the following bloodlust cg after that since that’s one of my favourite moments in saito’s route…*sigh* oh well. i’ll take what i can get… I do however like how saito’s scarf is finally mentioned in game…. since the only other time I’ve seen it being written about was done in a blog post translated into Chinese.

Overall, for the kyoka-roku cg dialogue lines…. I think Harada has the most amusing ones. next year though. and after i finish the last zuisouroku cg tl.

#hakuoki #hakuouki #saito hajime #Hakuoki Game Translation #Hakuoki Kyoka-Roku

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ad1thi · 5 years ago

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creator tag meme

rules: rt’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2019. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

tagged by: @rxmanoff ages ago and im only just getting around to it im so sorry

3000

there was this theory floating around on tumblr about how morgan losing her father was a perfect set up to morgan becoming a villain and i became obsessed with that idea, and 3000 was the result of that. it was a huge labour of love (because i rly struggle to bring fics over the 1000 word mark) and it is one of my favourite things ive ever written

life, the long way round

i bingewatched doctor who instead of doing my work and this fic was the result of that. im yet to watch something and not think “how do i turn this into a tony au?” there’s glaring similarities between the doctor and tony and i just really enjoyed writing this. it is hard to understand if you haven’t watched doctor who - which is why i included the key plot points needed to understand the fic,,,but i just love the idea that even time itself cannot stop rhodey and tony from falling for each other. i also experimented with fem! rhodey, which was fun

the final page

this is angsty asFUCK but its also one of the most honest representations of my characterisations of tony, and thats why i like it.

hear me roar (watch me bleed)

i was upset by season 8 of game of thrones and then i wrote this. it is plotless and exists purely because i saw this one edit of Jaime Lannister and Tony Stark together and i thought yes

bollywood but make it gay

im cheating slightly because this includes two works (and like 4 others that are unpublished because im still working on them) but my favourite thing to come out of 2019 is desi!tony stark. og people on this blog will remember how much i used to talk about italian! tony stark - and while i still have a lot of love for that headcanon, it is also very telling that it didn’t even occur to me to draw from my own culture and that i focused on another culture. so that growth for me is something im personally very proud of, and bollywood but make it gay was born from that.

tagging: @lovelyirony, @imposter-human, @wintersoldierland, @firebrands and @omg-just-peachy

#tumblr tagged memes #isha tag #my writing

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caws5749 · 5 years ago

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This took SO LONG thanks @natthisback

1: Name Madison

2: Age 21

3: 3 fears spiders, not becoming a doctor, becoming like my parents

4: 3 things i love marvel movies, my blanket (whoops), and scrunchies

5: 4 turn ons compliment me, be chivalrous, (idk if this means sex turn on too or not but) moaning my n- ANYWHO uh and the last one definitely like showing you want me

6: 4 turn offs someone who only talks about themselves, being like wishy washy, being arrogant/cocky, complaining about the same things

7: my best friend that would be shea @cloversofshea

8: sexual orientation lesbian

9: my best first date okay SO this like isn’t a first date but it was my first like nicer dinner date so I’m gonna count it. It was just this past weekend actually and i just i loved it so much it was amazing

10: how tall am i 5’2

11: what do i miss honestly, feeling like i was good at things

12: what time were i born 11:14am

13: favorite color purple, although it’s slowly been turning to like a baby light pink

14: do i have a crush yes yes i do and i likes her a lot

15: favorite quote “Truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I.”

16: favorite place Chicago or New York City

17: favorite food SALMON

18: do i use sarcasm yes, but i feel like i don’t use it as much as i used to

19: what am i listening to right now Christmas pop playlist on Spotify

20: first thing i notice in new person whether they only talk about themselves

21: shoe size 8 or 8.5

22: eye color blue

23: hair color right now, it’s a brown that goes to blond at my ends

24: favorite style of clothing so if this means like fav style to wear daily, definitely athleisure. If it means in general, i love love love preppy looks? But not super preppy.

25: ever done a prank call? Absolutely, many times

27: meaning behind my url i explain this in my about me page (linked in bio!)

28: favorite movie captain America winter soldier

29: favorite song i don’t really have favorite songs but rn it’s prob December night by Michael buble

30: favorite band i don’t really have fav bands

31: how i feel right now it’s really hot in here, so warm. I feel okay

32: someone i love i love lots of people but ill stick with @cloversofshea

33: my current relationship status I’ve answered this so many times literally just look at the ask game tag

34: my relationship with my parents um yikes

35: favorite holiday Halloween

36: tattoos and piercing i have i have 6 tattoos! “Breathe” on my right inner ankle, a heart on left shoulder, heart w equal sign in it behind right ear, basically an ecg on my left inner ankle, Aquarius symbol on right bicep, and caws 5749 on my left side. And my ears are pierced.

37: tattoos and piercing i want definitely the black widow symbol in the same place Scarlett got her og6 tattoo, an amino acid tattoo that spells out “wah” , definitely more little tattoos! And maybe more ear piercings idk

38: the reason i joined tumblr so, I’ve had a tumblr for many many years. I originally joined bc my best friends at the time had them, and i was like sure! Ive deleted that personal blog since, and started my new personal blog a few years ago. I also have a studyblr that i started i think back in high school, and i just started this blog back in the end of July!

39: do i and my last ex hate each other no, I’d say far from it bc i likes her a lot

40: do i ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts yes from her and i fucking love it, it used to be a bigger thing almost every day and i loved it

41: have i ever kissed the last person i texted lmao no and for those who were wondering it is @cloversofshea

42: when did i last hold hands LMAO WITH @michelinaamour WHEN I WAS STUMBLING HOME DRUNK IN HIGH HEELS

43: how long does it take me to get ready in the morning it depends, anywhere from ten minutes to an hour and a half

44: have you shaved your legs in the past three days no! I am super lucky and have really light colored hairs on my legs and so i dont’ have to shave very often. Also i just want to say that i personally love shaving my legs and it is my choice to do so.. girls, you do not need to shave!!

45: where am i right now so i started answering this in the research lab, but i am currently sitting at one of the dining places on campus finishing it

46: if i were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me LMAO DEFINITELY @michelinaamour because she’s done it ALREADY FOR ME MULTIPLE TIMES

47: do i like my music loud or at a reasonable level it depends, in car trips, definitely blast it. But just driving around or listening in doors, definitely reasonable level

48: do i live with my mom and dad nope i live with @michelinaamour

49: am i excited for anything yes, I’m excited for lots of things. I get excited easily

50: do i have someone of the opposite sex i can tell everything to no. I used to

51: how often do i wear a fake smile this is a really interesting question. I don’t consider smiles i give to random people like ordering food or something to be fake, so i would say fake smiles are when I’m not okay and trying to hide it. Which happens less often now bc I’m just much happier of a person

52: when was the last time i hugged someone I think it was @michelinaamour two days ago but i think i hugged @cloversofshea that day too so

53: what if the last person i kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me I’d be heartbroken tbh

54: is there anyone i trust even though i should not yes, certain adults in my life

55: what is something i disliked about today my hair won’t do what i want it to :(

56: if i could meet anyone on this earth who would it be probably Chris Evans or Scarlett Johansson

57: what do i think about the most tumblr and everything with that, or probably her or school stuff definitely

58: what’s my strangest talent i don’t think i have any lol

59: do i have any strange phobias yes definitely haha, I’m terrified of stepping on worms

60: do i prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it i think a few years ago i would have said behind, but honestly I think I’d love to be in front of the camera now

61: what was the last lie i told i actually don’t know. Maybe this past weekend as to like the fact that i was going out on a date instead of just going out with a friend

62: do i prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online I’d say talking on the phone bc then they cant’ see me lmao

63: do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and yes

64: do i believe in magic? Yes, or at least, that’s what i tell myself

65: do i believe in luck yes

66: what’s the weather like right now snowy!

67: what was the last book I’ve ever read The Butchering Art, it’s about the history of surgery

68: do i like the smell of gasoline omg yes yes yes yes yes yes

69: do i have any nicknames yes, madz, madi, girl who lives by the kitchen, queen (a new one) and clown (also a new one) thanks @natthisback

70: what was the worst injury I’ve ever had back in freshman year of college, i did something stupid and my foot swelled up like hell and hurt so bad. There were no fractures detected but the swelling stayed for a really long time, as well as the bruising and pain, and it never returned to normal

71: do i spent my money or save it SPEND IT BABY

72: can i touch my nose w my tongue no I’m not that talented

73: is there anything pink in 10 ft from me. Hmm part of my backpack? And my rings are pinkish bc they are rose gold. Oh and my scrunchie is pink, as well as my iPad

74: favorite animal cat

75: what was i doing last night at 12am i was still at work In the emergency room!

76: what do i think satan’s last name is uh honestly Jim lmao (it’s demons Jim! @cloversofshea )

77: what’s a song that always makes me happy when i hear it so good by dove Cameron

78: how can you win my heart suggest we watch a marvel movie, and I’m prob straight up in love. There are other things too but they’re pretty general, like compliment me, show you want me ya know

79: what would i want to be written on my tombstone haha, as a joke, “so realy its very thing. Just to keep everyone guessing.” But idk something funny

80: what is my favorite word i have no idea, maybe like sophisticated or something like that or aesthetic , champagne is a good one too

81: my top 5 blogs on tumblr ooh! Okay so @markiplier @lesbian-deadpool @americasass-romanoff @lesbianmariahilll @shining-rey-of-sunshine but i love so so so so so many more, and i have a lot of top blogs

82: if the whole world were listening to me right now what would i say fuck trump also I’m gay as hell and I’m growing tired of hiding it from people

83: do i have any relatives in jail not that i know of

84: i accidentally eat some radioactive vegatables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super power of my choice! What is that power lmao this question is great. Prob same powers as Wanda

85: what would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on any weird fetis- JUST KIDDING. Do you still think about them?

86: what is my current desktop picture so on my laptop, it’s fall flowers. But since that’s broken af, i use my iPad and that background is one of the apple ones. It’s just a beach idk why but I’ve never changed it

87: had sex WHY IS THIS IN EVERY SINGLE ASK GAME WTF

88: bought condoms nope i am gay as hell bye

89: gotten pregnant nope i am gay as hell bye

90: failed a class nope, definitely come close though

91: kissed a boy yes

92: kissed a girl yes

93: have i ever kissed somebody in th rain honestly, probably at some point, but I’ve never had one of those romantic kisses in the rain. I really really want to though and i think about it a lot

94: had job yeah, I’ve had three true jobs

95: left the house without my wallet probably

96: bullied someone on the internet no bc I’m not a fucking douche

97: had sex in public not yet

98: played on a sports team yeah, played softball and basketball in middle school

99: smoked weed yeah, but i didn’t get high

100: did drugs nope

101: smoked cigarettes nope, i think i asked drunk once if i could smoke, but my friend was like “really?” And i was like uhhhhhh just kidding haha

102: drank alcohol lmao i drink fucking all the time i mean. I literally have drunk writing nights , I’m drinking tonight too

103: am i a vegetarian/vegan i was a vegetarian for a while, and then an aspiring vegan, and then vegetarian, and then pescatarian now!

104: been overweight no

105: been underweight yes

106: been to a wedding yeah, but like not for a long time. I was like 4 and the flower girl. Oh WAIT. Does playing a wedding count? I played cello at a wedding so i was there???

107: been on the computer for 5 hours straight hell yeah, how would i function not doing this with class and relaxing

108: watched tv for 5 hours straight lmao definitely

109: been outside my home country yeah

110: gotten my heart broken yeah

111: been to a professional sports game yeah. I don’t really do sports though , so when i go it’s usually in suites and I’m just there for the food

112: broken a bone nope!

113: cut myself this is...a. Really deep question but bc i want to be able to speak about mental health on here, the answer is yes.

114: been to prom yes! I went to my junior and senior proms!

115: been in airplane too many times

116: fly by helicopter no, I’m not sure if i want to do this or not

117: what concerts have i been to I’ve been to lots. So first off, I’ve been to hundreds of classical concerts (and performed in them). As for pop, Bruno mars twice, maroon five like three times. Selena Gomez. Josh groban. American authors. Definitely others that i don’t remember

118: had a crush on someone of the same sex yes I’m fucking gay

119: learned another language so if this means fluent, no. I took a decent amount of French and am learning Russian right now!

120: wore make up absolutely. When i choose to wear makeup, its because i fuckign love makeup haha. Most days I’m lazy though and like to let my skin breathe and be natural

121: lost my virginity before I was 18 no

122: had oral sex yeah

123: dyed my hair many times

124: voted in a presidential election okay i think so but honestly can’t remember. But I’m pretty sure i did.

125: rode in an ambulance no and i never want to.

126: had a surgery no and i never want to haha. Well i cant say that. Depending on how my life plays out, I might freeze my eggs or something.

127: met someone famous yes, several I think, but probably Henry winkler was the one I remember most.

128: stalked someone on a social network yeah

129: peed outside nope don’t think so and definitely don’t want to

130: been fishing yes I have been ice fishing and regular fishing

131: helped w charity i have!

132: been rejected by a crush I’ve been not liked back but i don’t think I’ve ever made like a move on a crush and been rejected

133: broken a mirror ooh i don’t think i have actually

134: what do i want for birthday nothing bc i dont’ like my bday

#madison speaks #ask game

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celiacandsalty · 5 years ago

Text

Kal Penn’s Nuts

Warning: the following blog includes strong language, references to gluten, and excessive whining.

When my brother Jeff got diagnosed with Celiac disease in 2014 (at age 34) I distinctly remember my first thought being something along the lines of, “oh god, that poor bastard.” Not only because many most of the best foods contain gluten, but because I was already imagining the inevitable day when he goes to some business dinner or something and the server mistakes him for one of THOSE people. You know, the people we all roll our eyes at because they claim to have a gluten “sensitivity” or “intolerance,” but we suspect they’re full of shit and make a mental note to mock them at a later date. It’s hard to say why I cared so much about what hypothetical Cheesecake Factory employees in Ohio might think about my brother’s diet but I DID.

(I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but on TV shows now if they want to quickly convey that a character is an annoying douchebag, usually all they have to do is throw in a line where that person orders a gluten free whatever and a vegan something or other. It’s been a “joke” (for lack of a better word) for at least a decade now and for some reason shows no signs of stopping, despite the fact that it is completely unoriginal, unfunny, and hacky. What I’m saying is, gluten free is the new Nickleback.)

Okay, now cut to 2018 when I, following in my brother’s stupid footsteps, also get diagnosed with Celiac disease1 and all those pitying thoughts I never would have verbalized to my poor bastard brother come flooding back, only now they apply to me too and I can hear them all because they’re in my head. I did not take the news well.

Now, it almost goes without saying that it is easier now than ever before to find decent gluten-free food, especially in Portland, Oregon (where I fortunately already happened to live), but I gotta say, it’s a colossal pain in the ass and it still sucks. It sucks that I have to spend so much of my free-time moonlighting as a gluten detective, looking at menus for places I might possibly be invited to eat at someday and reading every word on every food label and trying to get to the bottom of whether miso paste or Werther’s Originals are safe for me to eat.2 It sucks that I don’t even really WANT to go out to eat much anymore because it’s such a stressful experience that I barely enjoy it anways. It sucks that I once enjoyed traveling and now I’ve pretty much written off at least a couple of entire continents (and they were good ones too.) It sucks that I have frequent anxiety dreams about accidentally poisoning myself. It sucks that I only just discovered Shake Shack 6 months before getting diagnosed and now I’ll never again know the joy of a squishy hamburger bun. It sucks that I no longer get to be the easygoing person in a group or at the office who, when asked about dietary restrictions, could proudly say “Nope! I’m fine with whatever (aka I am a very cool and chill person).” I could go on and on, but I’d have to say the thing that actually sucks the most is the whole gluten-as-a-punchline thing because for me it is so terribly unfunny.

A couple of months ago3 I was at the gym, listening to one of my podcasts in which the guests, usually comedians, get a chance to rant for a few minutes on any topic of their choosing. That week, Kal Penn (of Harold & Kumar fame4) was one of the guests and he made the bold choice to rant about GLUTEN. My blood went straight to a solid simmer before he said another word. I considered shutting it off, but I thought to myself, “Easy does it, Jeanne! Maybe it’s not going to be what you think it is.”

Narrator: It was.

Kal Penn went on to say that as a person living with a severe allergy to tree nuts, it makes him very angry that people who claim to have GLUTEN allergies or intolerances are diluting the seriousness of his legitimate food allergy. The main takeaway being that GLUTEN allergies are FAKE and a FAD and they’re a PREFERENCE, unlike Kal Penn’s very real allergy to nuts.

Of course, Kal Penn included the caveat that there is a VERY small percentage of people for whom gluten issues are real, but I feel like that finer point may have been lost in the message of screaming FAKE FAKE FAKE for 3 minutes.5

The annoying thing though, is that Kal Penn is right. It IS a fad. (Especially in LA.) And I HATE that it is. One particularly annoying thing about this is that restaurants are catching on and more and more GF items items are popping up on menus everywhere. Unfortunately, they are often actually GF, unless you have Celiac disease, which makes my gluten detective job much harder.6

Now I don’t doubt that living with a nut allergy is hard. And I imagine that Kal Penn and I actually have a lot in common when it comes to anxieties and frustrations around food and eating out. I know that I shouldn’t say that I’m jealous of Kal Penn and his nut allergy, but in a way I am. Yes, I’m sure it is terrifying to go into anaphylactic shock and have to be rushed to the hospital, but on the bright side, at least people don’t think you’re a douchebag liar!

Speaking of being rushed to the hospital, here’s the funny story about how I found out that I can’t eat gluten. A little over a year ago, I ended up in the emergency room after dramatically collapsing in my apartment and completely losing all feeling in the entire left side of my body. After getting an MRI (and some other very expensive tests), I was informed that there were several areas of stroke in my 34-year-old brain.7

I spent 3 days in the neurology unit with puzzled doctors coming in every hour to scratch their heads and look at me with great concern. I didn’t find out for another full week that all of this was a result of undiagnosed Celiac disease. Apparently though I was asymptomatic in terms of gastrointestinal issues (very common in adults), I had become so severely anemic8 that I literally almost died. Malnutrition and malabsorption are common symptoms of Celiac, and at this point my hemoglobin was so critically low that I required a blood transfusion and 2 IV iron infusions.

Ok, so cool story, I know, but is stroke and near-death a common effect of eating gluten? Nope! I don’t think so!

So what’s my point? Fuck, I don’t even remember now. But I guess what I’m saying is...we all know the people Kal Penn is talking about. And I spend way too much of my mental energy worrying that when I tell someone I can’t have gluten9, they might, for example, still serve me a salad that they accidentally put the croutons on and then tried to pick them off but missed a few because they probably assume I’m just another asshole doing the Whole 30.10

So, Kal Penn, believe me when I say that I am with you on the issue of THOSE people. But continuing to rail against them and their possibly exaggerated gluten sensitivities does nothing to stop them. (I suspect it might even make them stronger and more annoying.) It does however, continue to reinforce the already widespread belief that gluten is a made-up problem invented in the 2000s, by I don’t know, naturopaths and George Soros probably? And it’s this belief that is actually very dangerous to people like myself and my brother and the millions of other poor bastards with REAL incurable conditions, and, for what it’s worth, one that seems unlikely to change the way we treat someone with a nut allergy. And, last but not least, it is also a belief that occasionally ruins my workout/enjoyment of podcasts.

Anyways, thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, but sorry about your nuts, Kal Penn.

----

Cool family, right?? (Also my maternal grandmother had it too and was diagnosed in the 1980s.)

Still unclear

I meant to write this sooner. Fortunately, my New Year’s Resolution was to hold on longer to more grudges.

Among other things, like Obama’s White House?

I was also going to go back and listen to the podcast again to more accurately transcribe his rant, but just thinking about it made my heart hurt. If you want to hear for yourself, it was the November 9, 2019 episode of Lovett Or Leave It.)

Plus the pay sucks.

I think it could still pass for 28.

My blood’s solution to this problem was to produce WAY too many platelets, which I didn’t know and perhaps my blood didn’t know, are what make blood clot.

“Just tell them you have CELIAC.” Well guess what–some of THOSE people are co-opting our magic word too now!

Sorry if you’re doing the Whole 30 and not an asshole.

#celiac disease #kal penn #jon lovett

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