celiacandsalty

[celiacandsalty]

I DRANK ALL THE HARD SELTZERS

Illustrations by Ava Williams (@ava_carrie on IG)

I remember the first time I saw people (and by people I mean girls (and by girls I mean WOMEN)) drinking White Claws. It was about 4 years ago and I was at a party where the token hot girls commanded their friend/faithful servant who was going out to the store to get some more “white claws or clams or whatever.” I instantly did not like white claws OR clams. You see, I unfortunately grew up in the 90s which means that I was programmed to believe, confusingly, that the worst thing a girl could be is “girly” and that anything consumed primarily by women is inherently bad. This is probably why I spent the majority of my adult life drinking beer I didn’t really like that much and NOT ordering salads when I went out to eat. That’s how you know I’m a COOL girl, ok?

But nowadays, what with my Celiac diagnosis, I spend most of my days sitting in a rocking chair, eating salads and drinking hard seltzers, and I must say, it’s pretty alright. But for the first year of my gluten-free life I was extremely self-conscious about ordering hard seltzers in bars and really disliked the brands that looked too feminine. (See: Old habits.) And I was particularly offended by this one that came in a skinny can with mermaids on it.

For a brief while I tried just drinking straight tequila when I went out. However, this can be expensive, because as it happens, I am good at drinking straight tequila.

But now, in the year 2020, bars no longer exists, but if they DID, I would not be ashamed to be seen at one with a hard seltzer. It’s actually quite liberating and I no longer feel the need to tell (theoretical) bartenders that I am ordering this White Claw RELUCTANTLY and with the appropriate level of SHAME but you see I have a condition that precludes me from drinking a COOLER more MANLY drink. It turns out they do not CARE.

I’m even confident enough (sort of) to go to the grocery store and buy 5 different kinds of hard seltzers all in one trip. Because like a true consumer, I decided that if I’m going to drink hard seltzers, I’m going to drink ALL the hard seltzers and find the BEST hard seltzer. For SCIENCE.

Spoiler Alert: I didn’t really pick a “best” because there are honestly so many good ones. Sorry, science!

WHITE CLAW (OR CLAM):

The seltzer that started it all. I, of course, appreciate the claw for being a pioneer in its field, but I also I enjoy it as a refreshing, mildly sweet (only 100 calories) fizzy beverage with the ability to get me a little drunk. I also like that it’s one of the few seltzers that you can find in a tall boy can, which, again, is probably because a big tall can has such cool-dude vibes. Honestly, I think all the flavors are good. I’m partial to Mango, Lime, and Raspberry, but I haven’t really met a White Claw I don’t like. (I have however met a few hot girls drinking White Claws that I didn’t like. Not the Claw’s fault!)

Takeaway: A solid seltzer that you can find pretty much anywhere and I applaud that. 

Bonus: You may get mistaken for a hot girl.

TRULY:

All around, Truly may be my favorite brand. It’s pretty similar to White Claw (also 100 cal) but with some new and, dare I say, more innovative flavors? Raspberry Lime? Fucking genius. In fact, the entire Berry variety pack is delicious. (It also includes Black Cherry, Wild Berry, and Blueberry Acai.) The Tropical sampler is also quite good. The Citrus varieties are probably the least exciting, but they’re all winners in my book. I wish I was drinking one right now. Ok, actually? Now I am.

Takeaway: In my opinion, Truly is the best in show and I wish they sold cases of Raspberry Lime.

BON & VIV: 

The infamous mermaid can. But you know what? It’s pretty good. And you know what else? Mermaids are dope. I especially like that Bon & Viv has classy flavor combos like Clementine Hibiscus. Could I taste the hibiscus? No! But is clementine somehow way more exciting and different than orange? Yes it is. At only 90 calories a can, they’re just a little less sweet than Truly and White Claw, but still quite enjoyable. Other interesting flavors include Pear Elderflower and Prickly Pear. Do I necessarily know what those things should even taste like? No ma’am! Are they going a little hard on the pears? In my opinion, yes. But points for originality! And you know what? Throw in a few more points for the mermaids!

Takeaway: Embrace the mermaids.

SAN JUAN:

So I’m not good at picking favorites, but I’m okay at picking LEAST favorites. I don’t want to put San Juan on blast to my 6 readers, but coming it at just 85 calories a can, it’s the least sweet and most weird of the bunch. It kind of tastes like wine? I want to like San Juan, I do, but as of now, I just cannot. San Juan if you’re reading this, I have a recommendation and that is to add 5 to 15 calories worth of sugar to your seltzer. It seems to be working for the other guys. 

Takeaway: If you live in the Pacific Northwest and want to buy a local seltzer, get on the San Juan train and BYO sugar.

TRADER JOE’S (aka SHELL HOUSE):

I know it’s very on brand for someone like me to LOVE Trader Joe’s but...I do. And it so happens that Trader Joe’s has some VERY good hard seltzers (possibly the best?), and at a whopping 120 CALORIES (jkjk) I think we’re starting to see a correlation. Let me crunch some numbers. Ok yes, that’s what I thought, more sugar = more good. They have just a few flavors at the moment, but they are easily ranked.

1. Shell House Meyer Lemon (straight-up the best lemon on the market)

2. Shell House Raspberry (very similar to White Claw and, come to think of it, Jello)

3. Shell House Pomegranate (not bad, but I expect it to be discontinued soon but I thank it for its service)

They are also, without a doubt, the most bang for your buck too, at $5.99 for a 6-pack. Thanks, Joe! If you can ever leave your house and go to Trader Joe’s again, I suggest stocking up for summer and inviting me over.

Takeaway: If you love you some lemon and want your seltzer to fit in a beer coozy, put on your face mask and get thee to a Trader Joe’s.

TRULY LEMONADE:

Wait, didn't we already do Truly? Yes we did and thank you for paying attention,  but this is a different Truly. First of all, Truly Lemonade comes in a black can, or as my friend (and illustrator) Ava put it, “branded for tough boys.” Truly Lemonades are interesting because like the original Truly, they too are just 100 calories, but they are noticeably sweeter. How? Why? What magic is this? Well that, my friends, would be Stevia. Personally, I’m not usually a huge fan of things sweetened with Stevia, but these are actually pretty tasty. Also, I like the flavor combos. (There’s a Mango Lemonade, Black Cherry Lemonade, Strawberry Lemonade, and get this...Lemon Lemonade.)

Takeaway: If you’re a tough boy and/or you like your sweets sweet, Truly Lemonade is the seltzer for you.

SEEKOUT (by 2 Towns Ciderhouse) :

So....these are...also not my favorite. I know this because of the many many seltzers I bought, the SeekOuts are the only ones still sitting, unrefrigerated and unwanted, on my bedroom floor. (I was storing all my seltzers there for a while because the fridge is, weirdly, too full of food to store like 90 cans of seltzer in there at once.) They're a just a little blah-tasting and lacking in the fizz department. But the flavors are interesting! For instance, the first one I tried was Cucumber + Juniper, which was kinda gross, but good for them for trying! Other flavor combos include Pineapple + Passionfruit, Key Lime + Mint, and Raspberry + Meyer Lemon. I think what I’m learning about me is that I do enjoy a flavor combo done right.

Takeaway: If you’re hanging out on my bedroom floor and you don’t like a lot of fizz in your fizzy drink, give SeekOut a try. 

DISHONORABLE MENTION

HENRY’S:

In my research (for science), it seems that I got so carried away (drunk) that I somehow failed to notice that Henry’s is one of the few hard seltzers that is NOT gluten-free. Let me repeat,

**Henry’s Hard Sparkling Water is FULL of gluten.**

A dirty trick if you ask me! But for real, if you’re drinking alcoholic seltzers because you MUST (medically), be careful. Henry’s, I learned (while up sick in the middle of the night) and googling my symptoms, is owned by MillerCoors and Henry’s is a MALT beverage and malt = gluten. I only drank 2 of them (Strawberry Kiwi and Blueberry Lemon), and sadly they weren’t even very good. Could that have something to do with the fact that they have, most unusually, only 88 calories? It’s anyone’s guess. But if I was going to make myself sick by eating gluten, I wish it had been from an Oreo or a ham sandwich.

Takeaway: Henry’s is not, I repeat, NOT an Oreo or a ham sandwich.

And I know there are more hard seltzers out there, but give my liver a break. Perhaps there will be a Part 2??

[celiacandsalty]

Gluten Free Cauliflower Velouté

Illustration by Ava Williams (@ava_carrie on IG)

I love soup. My boyfriend once asked me what kind of soups I like and I started naming soups and he was like “Oh OK so you like CHUNKY soups.” And I was like well yes, but actually I don’t like the way that sounds when you say it. So anyways, I famously love a chunky soup, but this ridiculously smooth cauliflower masterpiece now holds a very special place in my heart. 

I hate to be one of those people who can’t actually give you an exact recipe, but it’s really easy to make soup and you can make it however you want and that is the beauty of soup. Here is a rough idea though:

Cauliflower (a head)

Chicken stock (4 cups?)

Butter (a few tablespoons)

Onion (one of these)

Garlic (however much you like)

A couple splashes of milk or cream (but honestly it’s still very creamy and wonderful without.)

Salt & pepper

Basically you cannot screw this up. (I believe in you.) Just sauté the onion and garlic in the butter. Then add your stock and cauliflower and cook it until...it’s cooked? Then, blend the hell out of it with an immersion blender. And if you are sort of insane like my boyfriend, you can then run all it through a mesh strainer to make it EVEN SILKIER, but tbh I don’t know that it’s necessary. 

Top it off with a drizzle of olive oil (purely to make it look fancy) and some GF croutons if you please. (I made mine in the toaster oven with Trader Joe’s GF Multigrain Sandwich Bread.)

That’s it! A smooth and creamy soup that even the chunkiest soup lover can enjoy.

Photo & croutons by me (@celiacandsalty on IG)

[celiacandsalty]

Kal Penn’s Nuts

Warning: the following blog includes strong language, references to gluten, and excessive whining.

When my brother Jeff got diagnosed with Celiac disease in 2014 (at age 34) I distinctly remember my first thought being something along the lines of, “oh god, that poor bastard.” Not only because many most of the best foods contain gluten, but because I was already imagining the inevitable day when he goes to some business dinner or something and the server mistakes him for one of THOSE people. You know, the people we all roll our eyes at because they claim to have a gluten “sensitivity” or “intolerance,” but we suspect they’re full of shit and make a mental note to mock them at a later date. It’s hard to say why I cared so much about what hypothetical Cheesecake Factory employees in Ohio might think about my brother’s diet but I DID.

(I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but on TV shows now if they want to quickly convey that a character is an annoying douchebag, usually all they have to do is throw in a line where that person orders a gluten free whatever and a vegan something or other. It’s been a “joke” (for lack of a better word) for at least a decade now and for some reason shows no signs of stopping, despite the fact that it is completely unoriginal, unfunny, and hacky. What I’m saying is, gluten free is the new Nickleback.)

Okay, now cut to 2018 when I, following in my brother’s stupid footsteps, also get diagnosed with Celiac disease1 and all those pitying thoughts I never would have verbalized to my poor bastard brother come flooding back, only now they apply to me too and I can hear them all because they’re in my head. I did not take the news well.

Now, it almost goes without saying that it is easier now than ever before to find decent gluten-free food, especially in Portland, Oregon (where I fortunately already happened to live), but I gotta say, it’s a colossal pain in the ass and it still sucks. It sucks that I have to spend so much of my free-time moonlighting as a gluten detective, looking at menus for places I might possibly be invited to eat at someday and reading every word on every food label and trying to get to the bottom of whether miso paste or Werther’s Originals are safe for me to eat.2 It sucks that I don’t even really WANT to go out to eat much anymore because it’s such a stressful experience that I barely enjoy it anways. It sucks that I once enjoyed traveling and now I’ve pretty much written off at least a couple of entire continents (and they were good ones too.) It sucks that I have frequent anxiety dreams about accidentally poisoning myself. It sucks that I only just discovered Shake Shack 6 months before getting diagnosed and now I’ll never again know the joy of a squishy hamburger bun. It sucks that I no longer get to be the easygoing person in a group or at the office who, when asked about dietary restrictions, could proudly say “Nope! I’m fine with whatever (aka I am a very cool and chill person).” I could go on and on, but I’d have to say the thing that actually sucks the most is the whole gluten-as-a-punchline thing because for me it is so terribly unfunny.

A couple of months ago3 I was at the gym, listening to one of my podcasts in which the guests, usually comedians, get a chance to rant for a few minutes on any topic of their choosing. That week, Kal Penn (of Harold & Kumar fame4) was one of the guests and he made the bold choice to rant about GLUTEN. My blood went straight to a solid simmer before he said another word. I considered shutting it off, but I thought to myself, “Easy does it, Jeanne! Maybe it’s not going to be what you think it is.”

Narrator: It was.

Kal Penn went on to say that as a person living with a severe allergy to tree nuts, it makes him very angry that people who claim to have GLUTEN allergies or intolerances are diluting the seriousness of his legitimate food allergy. The main takeaway being that GLUTEN allergies are FAKE and a FAD and they’re a PREFERENCE, unlike Kal Penn’s very real allergy to nuts.

Of course, Kal Penn included the caveat that there is a VERY small percentage of people for whom gluten issues are real, but I feel like that finer point may have been lost in the message of screaming FAKE FAKE FAKE for 3 minutes.5

The annoying thing though, is that Kal Penn is right. It IS a fad. (Especially in LA.) And I HATE that it is. One particularly annoying thing about this is that restaurants are catching on and more and more GF items items are popping up on menus everywhere. Unfortunately, they are often actually GF, unless you have Celiac disease, which makes my gluten detective job much harder.6

Now I don’t doubt that living with a nut allergy is hard. And I imagine that Kal Penn and I actually have a lot in common when it comes to anxieties and frustrations around food and eating out. I know that I shouldn’t say that I’m jealous of Kal Penn and his nut allergy, but in a way I am. Yes, I’m sure it is terrifying to go into anaphylactic shock and have to be rushed to the hospital, but on the bright side, at least people don’t think you’re a douchebag liar!

Speaking of being rushed to the hospital, here’s the funny story about how I found out that I can’t eat gluten. A little over a year ago, I ended up in the emergency room after dramatically collapsing in my apartment and completely losing all feeling in the entire left side of my body. After getting an MRI (and some other very expensive tests), I was informed that there were several areas of stroke in my 34-year-old brain.7

I spent 3 days in the neurology unit with puzzled doctors coming in every hour to scratch their heads and look at me with great concern. I didn’t find out for another full week that all of this was a result of undiagnosed Celiac disease. Apparently though I was asymptomatic in terms of gastrointestinal issues (very common in adults), I had become so severely anemic8 that I literally almost died. Malnutrition and malabsorption are common symptoms of Celiac, and at this point my hemoglobin was so critically low that I required a blood transfusion and 2 IV iron infusions.

Ok, so cool story, I know, but is stroke and near-death a common effect of eating gluten? Nope! I don’t think so!

So what’s my point? Fuck, I don’t even remember now. But I guess what I’m saying is...we all know the people Kal Penn is talking about. And I spend way too much of my mental energy worrying that when I tell someone I can’t have gluten9, they might, for example, still serve me a salad that they accidentally put the croutons on and then tried to pick them off but missed a few because they probably assume I’m just another asshole doing the Whole 30.10  

So, Kal Penn, believe me when I say that I am with you on the issue of THOSE people. But continuing to rail against them and their possibly exaggerated gluten sensitivities does nothing to stop them. (I suspect it might even make them stronger and more annoying.) It does however, continue to reinforce the already widespread belief that gluten is a made-up problem invented in the 2000s, by I don’t know, naturopaths and George Soros probably? And it’s this belief that is actually very dangerous to people like myself and my brother and the millions of other poor bastards with REAL incurable conditions, and, for what it’s worth, one that seems unlikely to change the way we treat someone with a nut allergy. And, last but not least, it is also a belief that occasionally ruins my workout/enjoyment of podcasts.

Anyways, thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, but sorry about your nuts, Kal Penn.

----

Cool family, right?? (Also my maternal grandmother had it too and was diagnosed in the 1980s.)

Still unclear

I meant to write this sooner. Fortunately, my New Year’s Resolution was to hold on longer to more grudges.

Among other things, like Obama’s White House?

I was also going to go back and listen to the podcast again to more accurately transcribe his rant, but just thinking about it made my heart hurt. If you want to hear for yourself, it was the November 9, 2019 episode of Lovett Or Leave It.)

Plus the pay sucks.

I think it could still pass for 28.

My blood’s solution to this problem was to produce WAY too many platelets, which I didn’t know and perhaps my blood didn’t know, are what make blood clot.

“Just tell them you have CELIAC.” Well guess what–some of THOSE people are co-opting our magic word too now!

Sorry if you’re doing the Whole 30 and not an asshole.

[celiacandsalty]

THE BEST GF (gluten free) OR GF (gluten full) WAFFLE RECIPE

A couple weeks after being diagnosed with Celiac disease, I had to see my regular doctor and she was all, “Well it looks like you’re maintaining your weight...” And I was like, well fuck you too. “Is that not normal?” I asked. And she said, “Well a lot of people just don’t know what to eat. So I guess you’re finding things to eat?”  

Now first of all, I had only been on a gluten free diet for like a week. And secondly, who are these people that just waste away because they don’t know what to eat. Have they heard of potatoes? Or cheese? Cheesy potatoes? Doritos? Peanut butter? I ate a LOT of gluten back in the day, but even I knew about other foods.

Anyway, this kind of bothered me, so I told my brother, a doctor who also has Celiac (our family is fun) and he said that it’s usually more common to GAIN weight after getting diagnosed because as a Celiac on a GF diet, your body is actually absorbing all the nutrients for a change. Either way, it was kind of obnoxious because I have definitely gained some LBs in the past year and I’m not super happy about it. Is it simply because I’m finally absorbing the hell out of all these nutrients? Maybe. Is it because Cheetos and Doritos and whiskey are all gluten free? Who knows? Is it because I live with a man who feeds me like the hobbit I am? Inconclusive.

Anyways, this is all to say that one of the many, many things Matt loves to cook is waffles. He didn’t try adapting his waffle recipe until pretty recently, because to be honest, it’s always a bit of a gamble to remove the gluten from a beloved recipe. It can be very disappointing and if it doesn’t turn out well, it might make me sad and I might cry and then you have to deal with that.

Fortunately, the great GF waffle experiment turned out very well. In fact, they’re so good that I don’t even mind listening to the same musings of a waffle lunatic every time we eat them.

Him: “I just don’t understand why raised waffles are not the standard for waffles in all restaurants!”

Me:

Him: “And they’re so easy! Much easier than other waffles!”

Me: “I guess maybe because you have to start them the night before?”

Him: “Yeah, maybe… but that’s just a little bit of forward planning! And they’re so much better than most waffles! And so easy! I just don’t understand why these are not the standard for waffles in all restaurants!!”

Me:

Him: “I probably say this every time, don’t I?”

So here I present to you, the BEST (GLUTEN-OPTIONAL) RAISED WAFFLE RECIPE.

*Requires a waffle iron and a bit of forward planning*

THE BEST EVER WAFFLE RECIPE

½ cup warm water 1 package (¼ oz or 2 ¼ tsp) active dry yeast 2 cups milk ½ cup melted butter 1 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon sugar 2 cups all-purpose flour OR Bob’s Red Mill 1-to-1 GF baking flour 2 eggs ¼ teaspoon baking soda

In a big bowl with plenty o’ room, dissolve yeast in warm water. Then add everything except the eggs and baking soda and mix until smooth. Cover the bowl with a lid that fits or plastic wrap and let rest overnight. Wake up in the morning, hungry for waffles. Add eggs and baking soda. Yields about 8 big waffles or 4-5 GF waffles. (I think this is from a Belgian waffle maker, FYI.)

[celiacandsalty]

Khao San Thai Street Food

A cool thing about having a job (for now) is that it brings me to a part of Portland that I rarely visit, which means I can get lunch at restaurants I would never otherwise try because they are a whopping 6 miles from my house. Another cool thing is having money with which to buy this food.

Khao San is Thai street food and I discovered it on this gluten-free app where annoying people write obnoxious reviews about the availability of gluten-free food/menus and the safeness of the restaurants for people with celiac and other more fake gluten allergies. About 75% of the reviews go pretty much like this:

*NOT A REAL REVIEW*

The staff at [restaurant] is NOT KNOWLEDGEABLE about gluten. The last time I ate here I got TERRIBLY SICK and missed FORTY DAYS of work and had the worst [stomach ache/cramps/migraine] of my life. It is NOT SAFE for celiacs. The server told me that [obviously gluten-based item] is gluten-free so I would not trust ANYTHING they said. They do not understand cross contamination and I am certain that they season their [chips/water/forks] with gluten. I will of course continue to eat here because I like attention.

*END OF FAKE REVIEW*

Anyhoo, the people on this unnamed app were complaining that Khao San is not a safe place for celiacs and that the staff had told them that the whole menu is gluten free when it is not. Because I strongly believe that most of these nerds are liars, I risked my life and got lunch there. Looking at the menu, I saw that there are literally only 2 items on the entire menu that do contain gluten (wonton noodles and Khao Soi noodles–2 things you would absolutely expect to have gluten). So presumably, Khao San only uses gluten-free soy sauce and they specify on the menu that the fried items are battered with rice flour. So as USUAL, I don’t know what the hell these whiners on this app are whining about but I suspect their problems have very little to do with gluten and very much to do with their love of whining.

Anyways, I thought the food at Khao San was great and like I said, almost the entire menu is gluten free which is very cool for ME. I did not quiz the entire staff about their gluten knowledge, but my server was very nice and confirmed that everything that says “gluten free” is always made gluten free. Good enough for me. I will now write a short review using more all-caps because I realize that the fake review I wrote above might make someone think I am actually complaining about Khao San when I am not.

*REAL REVIEW*

KHAO SAN in PORTLAND is A VERY GOOD PLACE to eat whether you have CELIAC disease or not. The staff is VERY SMART AND ATTRACTIVE and the water is served in MUGS which I find VERY COOL. Not only am I not sick after eating there, I am HEALTHIER THAN EVER and just got a PROMOTION1 at work. They have BEAUTIFUL TABLECLOTHS on the outdoor tables. FIVE HUNDRED STARS.

1. I didn’t actually get a promotion at work, but the day is young.

[celiacandsalty]

Gluten Free Gem

In the first 6 months after finding out I had Celiac disease, approximately 900,000 people were quick to assure me that it’s easy to be gluten free in Portland and then tell me about the one gluten-free bakery they knew of, Back to Eden on Alberta. I know they meant well, but it filled me with rage for many reasons, one of which is that as much as I like cookies, finding gluten-free baked goods was not my primary concern after having a stroke1 and saying goodbye forever to every food I ever loved.

Which reminds me, I have a tip for the unafflicted:  If you know a person with Celiac disease (or a serious gluten allergy) in the year 2019, you can probably safely assume that they know how to google “gluten free [type of food] +[city they live in]” and you do not need to tell them about Back to Eden Bakery on Alberta. However, if you know about some very new and secret speakeasy-style gluten-free establishment, by all means tell them about that and also what the password/secret knock is.

To make things worse, I had actually eaten at Back to Eden a few times, back when I was blissfully unaware of my obnoxious condition which is upsetting on its own, because...what a waste. Even though it almost killed me, I regret every treat I ate prior to September 9, 2018 that was not made entirely of gluten. (Although to be fair, there probably weren’t many.) So I can’t believe I ever elected to eat a gluten-free chocolate pumpkin cake2 when I could have eaten literally any other thing in the world. And for what? Fun? That’s like wearing glasses when you have perfect vision. Or going to an escape room when getting out of rooms gets to be too easy.

Anyways, this post was not supposed to be about my mostly irrational hatred of Back to Eden, or my confusion about escape rooms. I wanted to talk about a superior gluten-free bakery in Portland, Gluten Free Gem.

Despite the name being a lot too on the nose, Gluten Free Gem is really very good. Is it more expensive than a normal bakery? Yes, but don’t blame the Gem! Would I prefer to be able to eat an entire sleeve of Oreos whenever I like? Absolutely, but again, not the Gem’s fault!

Anyways, since I haven’t had an Oreo cookie in almost a year, I decided this week that I wanted, nay DESERVED some treats. I’m not a huge fan of chocolate desserts, which is unfortunate, because another thing people LOVE  to tell me about is “flourless chocolate cake.”’ I tend to gravitate more toward the lemon bars and carrot cakes and cheese danishes3 of the world. 

In general, I’m not one of those people who loses my shit over cupcakes. I mean, yes, I like that they are small cakes and all, but I think everyone got a little too into cupcakes about 10 years ago and we all need to settle down. But now that I can’t have cupcakes, I want them all the more. This lemon curd cupcake from Gluten Free Gem did not disappoint. And the frosting was way better than the frosting at St. Cupcake or Cupcake Jones or Lord of the Cupcakes4, or wherever the fuck your coworker Trish thinks is the best cupcakery in town.

This cinnamon roll was lovely and had TOP-NOTCH frosting. The roll itself was a little on the dry side, If I had to describe it to a normal person, I would say it’s like if you bought a fresh gluten-full cinnamon roll and then left it in a hot car for a day or so before eating it.5 It’s still quite good, but will probably not be confused for normal people food.

Not pictured: Gluten Free Gem also makes a VERY good chocolate chip cookie that could DEFINITELY be confused for normal people food. I’ve also tried their Tiramisu (excellent), some sort of cake (also very good even though I can’t remember what kind it was) and some sort of quiche with a surprisingly good crust.

Gluten Free Gem, 140 NE Broadway St, Portland, OR

I had 3 mini-strokes as a result of severe anemia from undiagnosed Celiac disease, like a real drama queen.

Gross.

OH HOW I MISS THE CHEESE DANISH FROM GRAND CENTRAL BAKERY. If you can tolerate the gluten, please go eat three for me.

I don’t think that’s a real place, but it probably should be.

Something I am definitely not above doing. 

[celiacandsalty]

Gluten Free Pizza That (Usually) Doesn’t Make Me Cry

One of the worst things about having celiac disease (other than everything), is that I can no longer eat real pizza. I know that “loving pizza” is not a personality, but it was a part of my identity and without it, who the hell am I? It’s hard after 30-some years of carefree pizza-eating. I imagine it’s how long-time smokers feel when they quit smoking and then they realize they have nothing to do with their hands. Like, without pizza, what am I supposed to do with my dumb mouth? (And so help me god if you tell me about a “really good” “pizza” with a cauliflower “crust.”)

Anyhow, a lot of delusional people will swear that there are gluten free pizzas that are JUST AS GOOD as the regular ones. But these are the same people who think that mashed up cruciferous vegetables are actually even BETTER than an actual crust made from dough. My point is that these people are either:

1. lying to make you feel better

*or*

2. people have not eaten gluten in so long that they forgot how fucking good it is.

Pizzeria Otto (GF crust): This is going to contradict what I just said, but Pizzeria Otto makes a gluten free Neapolitan style pizza that might actually be just as good as the regular one. Then again, I’ve been gluten free for almost a year now, so maybe I’m one of those people now. Anyways, this place makes awesome pizza, (mostly of the gluten-full variety). I know there are some people who would advise a person with celiac not to eat at pizza places that bake their gluten and gluten free pizzas in the same oven, but honestly, I would rather die than only ever eat at a dedicated gluten free pizzeria, and to be honest, I don’t even know if that exists. (If it does, please don’t tell me. I do not want to go to this very sad place.)

Pizzeria Otto, 6708 NE Sandy Blvd, Portland, OR

FRESCHETTA® Gluten Free frozen pizza: Okay now this was a game changer. I love frozen trash food and I always will. I will say that the gluten free Freschetta pizza is a little weirder than the regular one, but I can’t say exactly how because like I said, it’s been a while now. I could ask Matt, my window into the world of gluten, but what’s important is that we both agree it is a solid frozen pizza and you should have at least 4 of them in your freezer at all times.1

Sizzle Pie: Sizzle Pie was one of my go-to pizza places back in the good old days, and it was the first GF pizza I tried after receiving my lifetime sentence of a very stupid disease. On that occasion, I ate 2 pieces, and then cried for a long time (roughly from October 2018–April 2019). Ordering a pizza and not wanting to eat the entire pizza in one sitting is a foreign concept to me. Matt said it was fine but I know in my heart of hearts, and mouth of mouths that it was not GOOD, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how at some point in the not-too-distant future, he would start associating me with shitty, disappointing food, and he would grow to resent me for it.2 Anyways, we tried it again a couple months later and I don’t know if they changed their recipe, but it was notably better (in that it didn’t make me cry). Now we eat it pretty regularly and I of course know that it’s not as good as a normal person pizza, but it’s also not so bad that it makes me want to walk into traffic.

Sizzle Pie, multiple locations in Portland (as well as Eugene, OR, Seattle, and Reno)

1. If you need to acquire an additional pizza freezer, so be it. 

2. I don’t think he resents me yet, but if he does I’m sure there are better reasons for it. 

[celiacandsalty]

Inspiración 9

Ok so let’s just start by saying that I am neither happy nor proud that I went to Mexico and then ate at a vegan restaurant. I don’t want to start shit with vegans1, but if I must be gluten free then please give me excessive quantities of all of the other foods, especially the cheeses and the alcohols.

Unfortunately there’s a pretty big overlap with gluten free and vegan foods because apparently there are a lot of people in this world who are allergic to having fun. And I saw on Yelp that this vegan place, Inspiración 9 was both a 3-minute walk from my hotel and a place that actually had GF items marked on the menu, which is always a huge relief.

Of course when I went to eat there, they had a new menu that mentioned nothing at all about gluten, or as they say in Spanish, “gluten.” Despite the way I inexpertly seated myself after standing awkwardly by the door waiting to be seated (very American), my server spoke to me in Spanish right off the bat, which did not bode well for me. However, I did manage to look at her with pleading eyes and say “necesito sin gluten?” And she more or less understood and pointed at a couple menu items. Success!

I ordered the pozole which was very good and would have been even better with pork in it, but I’m not complaining2.

Am I sad and sort of embarrassed that I ate at an all vegan restaurant in Mexico? Yes. If I had my druthers, would I eat at an all vegan restaurant in Mexico? 100% no. But do I ever get to have my druthers? RARELY, thank you for asking.

In short, if you are a person with food allergies (i.e. dairy, gluten, fun) or some annoying disease, then Inspiración 9 is an excellent choice and a pleasant3 dining experience.

Just kidding, I would like to start shit with vegans.

I guess I am complaining but not that a vegan restaurant doesn’t have pork, and more about veganism in general.

Actually it was pretty unpleasant but that is on me for bungling every single interaction, from ordering water to paying the check. The restaurant and food and staff are very good and everyone should eat there.

[celiacandsalty]

Gluten Free in Tijuana (aka GF in TJ)

Alright alright alright, what’s up my GF globetrotters?? Who’s ready to talk about how easy it is to eat a gluten free diet while traveling internationally?? No one? Because it’s not? Yeah, that’s what I think as well.

I’m not saying that people with celiac disease CAN’T travel to other countries, but I am saying that people with celiac disease SHOULDN’T travel to other countries. To be honest, people with celiac disease should probably never leave their dumb gluten free houses. And that has been my plan of attack for the most part and it’s been working out very well because I live with a very nice man who enjoys cooking, is very good at it, and doesn’t want me to die.

Since finding out I had the celiac almost a year ago, I’ve really only traveled within the United States and it’s had its ups and downs. Traveling to Alaska ended up being better than I expected and going to Disneyland for 3 days ended up being exactly what I expected in that it was a 3-day-long waking nightmare.

I now find myself in Tijuana, Mexico and I can tell you this. If you do not speak Spanish, and you do have celiac disease or some other serious issue with gluten, Tijuana may not be the place for you. This might be obvious to some people, but I am just a little bit stupid.

I was of course anxious about this trip (as I am anxious all of the time about everything), so I tried to google my fears away with phrases  like “eating gluten free in Mexico” and “celiac friendly restaurants in Tijuana.” I really didn’t find much other than people listing traditional Mexican foods that are generally gluten free. Mexican is probably one of the more celiac-friendly cuisines out there, thanks to our friend corn. The streets are paved in corn tortillas and the rivers flow with shredded meat that probably wasn’t marinated in soy sauce. I have learned to beware the mole sauce, because the secret ingredient is bread, but other than that, most Mexican food (except for burritos and other flour tortilla-based meals and fried things) should be pretty safe. SHOULD being the operative word.

Hilary Clinton SHOULD have been our 45th president. Leonardo DiCaprio SHOULD date someone over the age of 26. “Inflammable” SHOULD mean “not flammable.” But alas, the world is not always as it should be...

Which is why I SHOULD (is this getting old?) tell servers at restaurants about my food allergy1 even if the food SHOULDN’T have gluten in it. Unfortunately, what I found was that contrary to what some people might tell you, not “everyone” in Tijuana speaks English2. And just because someone DOES speak English does NOT mean they know what the fuck gluten is. I should point out that even where I live, in Portland, Oregon (home of the imaginary gluten intolerance) the majority of people still do not know what the fuck gluten is. (My therapist keeps asking if there is gluten in cheese and now I need a new therapist.)

Anyways, I’m currently in Tijuana, sitting in a hotel room, eating spicy chicken soup with rice and avocados for every meal and while it is delicious (truly it is) I feel like a big loser for not going out and experiencing the many wonderful tacos this city surely has to offer. Would it be easier if I knew Spanish? Of course it would. Would it be much much much easier if I could eat gluten. YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL IT WOULD.

I know it’s an autoimmune disease and not an allergy, and that’s a distinction that is almost never worth making.

I of course should know Spanish, and I am trying but I’ve only been doing 5 minutes of Duolingo a day for 6 months so all I know how to say is “I have the suitcase” and “My father is very elegant.”

UPDATE: I did manage to order some delicious pork (not soup) in a restaurant and while it took a long time and a lot of manpower (about 5 different employees) it was delicious and probably worth the humiliation.