#i think theres something wrong with my brain.
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It's always, like, mildly annoying when people see a het trans couple and go "all that work just to be straight?" like... one, you don't know if they're straight and two, trans people don't owe you a queer sexuality to "make up" for the fact we're trans. Transhet people aren't a subtype of trans people, they're members of the trans community, and the queer one if they so desire!
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#and i don't really vibe with the word microaggression but it's very that#like it just comes across like people think trans folks owe them queerness and cabaret preformances y'know?#and we cannot *be* if it means the way we are being isn't this carefully curated version people have of transness + queerness#and it can kind of warp your desires and understanding of yourself because you *want* community and to be seen and to be allowed to just be#this isn't universal and the 'you' is impersonal. i am aware this is a broad range of experiences and not everybody can/does relate#my overall point is that it's probably not the best move to act like this toward trans people#maybe i read too much into this but it's just something i have seen over and over and over and over . . . again#shoutout to the real ones (heterosexual and/or straight trans people or people in straight-presenting relationships 👍)#back to playing the lelda of zelda (is it bad that i don't even call her zelda anymore i just go 'THERES LELDA!!!')#it sounds wrong to call her zelda now 😭#the LEG OF ZEG. SWORD SKORD???? BREATH OF THE WEATH!! -my brain 24/7/365
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was about to make a post like lol hey is it possible for your art to actively degrade even when you draw every single day for years but the fool forgets practice makes permanent not perfect 🫵
#its like that art meme where u just draw over the same lines of something until its just squiggles#talkys#i dont think im ever going to Get it you guys#its so distressing for every drawing to feel like im rolling for skill. bc my brain doesnt hold#onto anything and also theres 500 billion ways to draw 1 single feature#and i get all the wrong worst ones#my favorite thing is how i swiveled to drawing only busts bc i wanted to perfect drawing faces#adn now im not good at drawing faces or bodies <3
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OMFG YOU HAVE MALDAPTIVE DAYDREAMING DISORDER TOO?!? mentally unstable traumatised whores assemble 🗣️/jk
i don't think so ?? i'm undiagnosed so idk what disorder i have :3
#i know theres something wrong with my brain though#i just dk what the wrong is#its a surprise ! kinda like a kinder egg :]#i was referencing a text post i rb'd sometime ago i dont exactly remember what it was but i remember the maladaptive daydreaming part#im sorry for disappointing you i think#franswers
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its really awesummmmm to have body image problems in the world that we live in even trying to “eat healthily” always feels like subjecting myself to a disordered form of eating somehow because my palate is so rectricted already but when i just eat normal stuff that i enjoy like fucking TOAST i start feeling like im going to be killed badly and i overthink every meal choice i make and the amount of ambient Food Noise in my brain at all times is so overwhelming it makes me sick esp when all my “body positive” friends and family are always talking about diet this and diet that and protein shakes and what have you because it’s so insanely normal to do so and my algorithm wont stop showing me healthy cooking videos and talking about protein every meal, diet matters more than exercise, carb replacements tofu pancakes shut up SHUT UPPPPP!!!!!!!!! FUCKK
#i gained a lot of weight on my antidepressants and i cant just stop taking them but it is like fucking up my brain soooo bad to exist#like my brain knows its fine and normal but it doesnt even matter like i live with so much cognitive dissonance it’s become unreal#plus im on the Apps so my physical appearance really does have a direct impact on my life so im always thinking about it all the time#and it curtails with me being a picky eater which i feel like is heinous and morally weong on my part and i feel such an immense GUILT#about it while also being aware i cant really do anything about it yayyyyyy#and then even posting about it feels wrong because im like maybe externalizing it is worse blah blah blah#just feels like something is REALLY wrong with how i think about myself but theres no way to deal with it because#having that mindset about your body is literally the normal state of affairs in everyone else like#personal#flumps. i need to go do pilates now. i guess.
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my gender is like meat leaf i think. boy materials in the structure of girl. like im a girl made out of boy things but not in a transman way like i like being female im just. a girl-leaning boygirl. maybe??
#u dont understand ive been insisting to all of my friends for like 6 years that im NOT a trans man#i cannot be proven wrong at this point i'll lose it#and anyways im not actually a guy#im definitely a girl just like. a type of girl that scientists haven't discovered yet#and that sounds like a joke but im soooo fucking serious#im a fucking student geneticist dude#i think theres some autosomal gene (or probably multiple) that regulate gender in convoluted ways#probably linked and i think there's probably multiple types of fem and masc genders not to mention non fem OR masc genders#codominant? incomplete dominance? is it different on different scales?#its a completely possible and furthermore plausible concept like from my perspective it'd be really weird if gender genetics weren't a thing#i think theyve already lowkey been proven to be a thing cause of that paper comparing trans brains to cis brains#& finding a link where trans men had a certain section that was the same as cis men#and that same section in trans women was the same in cis women#its an OLD study too#anyways i want to research this one day but i also dont because i dont trust humanity with that information#but if i found proof that it exists maybe it could seriously back trans people with scientific evidence#not that they should fucking NEED it testimony should be fucking good enough#ive been bio obsessed since i was born and im a natural skeptic#but when i was 11 i asked a trans person i knew like 2 fucking questions and they answered me and i was like 'yeah this makes sense'#figured anything that didnt make sense was just something i didnt understand yet#and now that im older and in college level biology and genetics classes i know i was right#it would be really really weird if trans people didnt exist did you know that? all the kinds too like nb genderfluid agender genderq demi#i dont fucking care it makes SENSE#'nonbinary' was a good term to adopt because it really just fits perfectly#nothing in biology is ever ever ever truly binary especially not a neurological and psychological phenomenon#especially not in a species with a brain so overly complex and tangled up like HOMO SAPIENS??#are you kidding?? the fact that we even have a concept of art and music let alone have talents and passions for them is proof alone dude#that shit doesn't help us survive its a modified version of pattern recognition and uncanny valley#combine that shit with the fact that intersex people exist?? like#nonbinary gender is literally the combination of intersexuality and human neurology
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#tko_art#hahah wrong eye shape#hers is more droopy and less awakey#wow colors suck#really hard#but i've noticed it doesn't feel like my brain is going to explode everytime I try to determine color and values#i kind of got too tired and wanted to giv eup so no tear drop#which made me sad because i did want to try that#but back hurts#gotta go to bed to fight god tomorrow/today#i love rendering skin tones#they're so much fun#lovely love#I have accidentally locked in#suddenly every single moment of time that i'm not spending to do art is unappealing and so damaging#i'm psyching myself out of doing things I know will give me instant gratification and will make me pretty happy for whattttttttt#it's kinda depressing#If i think about it too hard it's just a constant cycle of oh god this is it for the rest of my life#so no thinking it is!#blegh this seems so silly and trivial#i hope nobody reads this shit#i'd have to kill myself or something#im never gonna stop thinking about how i didnt say i loved you back#and it haunts me#and i cant stop thinking about what u said to me#and even tho u didnt say it harshly i cant stop my mind from running away from me#and theres something horribly wrong with me that i need to gouge out#i hope u never read this#i didnt want to be (x) how fucked up is that#i wish i wasnt like this i wish i didnt have to learn how to live with trauma i wish i was normal
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i hate being slow as hell. what is wrong with me bro WE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS STUPID
#doesnt matter what i do someones always gonna point it out at some point or another#theres always gonna be someone to make me feel stupid#for all intents and purposes i might as well be missing half my brain . at least then id have a good reason for being this way. smfh#nah . i am forever going to be fucking pissed off at how every adult in my life failed me. maybe i would be okay if someone just fucking#helped me. if someone just fucking noticed my existence and saw something was wrong. but no one did. and now im like this.#now im like this and nobody is going to help me. and they'll think im fucking braindead. or fucking treat me like a child. BECAUSE THEY DO#BECAUSE I KEEP FUCKING SEEING IT. THEY DONT EVEN KNOW AND YET THEY DO IT. I GUESS THEY SMELL IT OR SOMETHING#its not even like theyre wrong in treating me like that either . i dont think i can do fucking anything without being guided and coaxed.#its just another reminder ill never be normal. and i hate that#i hate being disabled. i hate being disabled. i hate being disabled.#toxi.txt
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i hate when i can feel things affecting me but i dont know what to do about it. i dont know what to use 2 counter it
#evils r getting to me n fucking with my brain so hard i just want to b free#every thought i have feels like someone elses#everything i do feels so boring#everything feels wrong#but i dont know why#i dont know how to stop it#i want to play a game but then i just get stuck . thinking#not moving#and then i close it#and try something else & repeat#and the whole time theres just an Ache in me#jerma aint helpin this time gamers o(-<#i need 2 change my brain its locked on the wrong setting but i dont know what to do#i dont know how this time#i am just so incredibly tired all the time#my eyes hurt#my body hurts#every emotion hurts#i cant even sleep i wake up constantly n roll over n over n over#im never comfortable#i hate my body#i feel it all the time#i dont know if its just the paranoia and i got good at ignoring it or if everyone is staring at me more#i dont want to be seen . every time i catch a reflection of myself it hurts#i dont even have a phone 2 take pictures or a scale so i cant tell if im changing#i feel stuck#and like the worst thing in the entire world#i just want to be good for something#i wish i could just have a job already i wish i could skip forward i dont know how to get there. im useless. i just want to offer something#im not good for anything im not capable of anything i should hav killed myself yrs ago. i never should have tricked myself into having hope
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Even though materially I haven't got that much to brag about I do feel like I got my revenge on my highschool bullies simply bcs they never got me to stop being myself. I just went from doing it quietly to being quite extroverted about it, and it's always paid off.
#insane how they made me feel self-concious about the aesthetics i liked the music i listened to the way i spoke (vocabulary + accent)#where my family is from + my geeky ass lame interests + the way I would always be the dissonant note in debates + etc etc#i connect with people way better as an adult by relying on those than i did as a teen trying to occupy the least amount of space possible#rambles#personal#and honestly i think I'm quite boring? my sister and all my cousins seems more interesting than me#but I'm quite comfortable with who i am. (personality wise at least. theres something wrong with my brain but idec to figure it out anymore
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🌻🌻!💛
okay so we all love Greta Thunberg, and so do biologists & zoologists and such, so bc of that several animals have been named after her :)
1. Nelloptodes gretae, a little beetle that got me started in all of this, its less than 1 millimetre large i think, and its antennae look kinda like braids :) they eat fungal hyphae (part of fungi idk) & spores
2. Craspedotropis gretathunbergae, a snail that is also very very small (2 millimetres long & 1 millimetre wide) its (probably) very sensitive to climate change :(
3. Pristimantis gretathunbergae, a frog, also little but in the centimetres this time :) females can even reach 4,6 cm!! it stays in small pools of water in plants (in between leaves i think?) (only on bromeliads, the family that contains pineapples) during the day & i dont know what it eats but it does that at night
4. Thunberga, a genus of spiders that currently contains 9 species :) one of which is called Thunberga greta
there might be more, but these are the ones i know of :))
#turns out theres a whole wikipedia page on animals named after famous people#i gotta look into that#the first one is a spider named after abba :)#:(((#just found out about a butterfly named after trump :((#asks#people#smalltimenerd#apologies if youd rather not hear about bugs again#but the questions was to talk about whatever i want#& i like bugs#greta thunberg was i think the first real life autistic person i knew of#so she was a big deal to my tiny little brain#bc all these teachers kept telling my parents to get me tested#and my parents kept refusing & complaining about it#& they all kinda treated it as a bad thing#so seeing someone like greta thunberg be autistic was really great#and like yeah my parents told me that they didnt think i was autistic (they were lying)#but i knew that lots of people did think that#and also i knew that something was wrong with me#so i thought maybe i was just similar to autistic people#but wrong in a different way#so idk it was really nice
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Okay, I'll be serious, promise. I've been saying (and seeing other people say) forever that the sheer level of alpha hate has a lot of anti-black undertones. But I've also seen some of it rooted in being anti-sexualization of children, pageantry, etc. I think a lot of people go way too far with that, not realizing what they're implying, while others gladly use it as an excuse to be anti-black. It depends on context, and as a whole I think well-meaning people should be wiser with their words and try to move away from using terms like "yassify" to describe what they're actually trying to refer to. Because that encourages not only the black alpha simmer hate in general, but also pushes that negative actions towards child sims all onto them, whether that was intentional or not. Really think about the terms you use before you use them, and what you're really trying to say before you post something. Because regardless of intention, words have consequences. Not only for yourself, but for the community that we all are a part of.
#ceci speaks#text#nonsims#negative#tldr: think before you speak#hajsjdkd#something ive been having to learn#i want to say more here but i cant get my brain to work#theres a lot of levels to this issue that ive spoken about for a while#it goes pretty deep#but i dont think all of it is malicious#and sadly some ppl still associate black ppl mainly with adultification of children#which is just wrong#thats usually pushed onto us by society tbh#and im p sure we didnt invent beauty pageants#😂#but u know#its way too late for me to be writing this#thats why its so short
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#not really a vent - just a quick thought before i sleep but like.#i keep thinking about that post#theres no way ill find it now but the gist was that 'joy is a warning bell to neurodivergent brains'#and how when we feel joy it means we've loosened up and that always leads to a problem --#whether its getting to be Too Much or saying the wrong thing or even just getting physically loose and clumsy#but it conditions the brain to see joy as something to fear#because relaxing means we're about to fuck something up#and ive been doing so well this year keeping up with and calling people#ive felt more social lately#literally everyone has been so incredibly kind to me and i want to express how grateful i am and how much i love you all#but every time i try to i get so choked up with fear#with each wave of happiness comes one of chest-squeezing fear#im not super upset or anything (its nice to know why its happening) i just wish i knew how to unlearn it ya know 🤷♀️#thats all - time to sleep#its so late -_-#awww its my pals birthday now!! earth day birthday :') too late rn but ill text him when i get up#rose rambles
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#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper#thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times#like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she#was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled#a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where#you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what#then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have#and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my#leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but#i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying#my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound#by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting#better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that#and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do#what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated
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Whhenever i get really scared like reallyyyyy scared or when i get really lonely i consider reconverting to christianity. and like gaslighting myself into believing in god again. just to have A Guy whos super powerful and also loves me and is looking oit for me
#text#im not actually doing tbat. because cjriatianity deginitely did really bad things to my feveloping brain#but i do consider it everry couple months or so. bbecause theres sometning wrong witj me#but like. i hate xtianity 😭 the type i was raised in specifically anyway#there are cool xtians and stuff and tberes aspects of the religion that istill find beautiful/comfoeting/whayever#but i also disagree with some fundamental aspects so not really a good match for me i think HAHA#abd like theres other religions but i also dont beljeve in god really so. yknow.#well i think mostly im looking for comfort and community more than religion#so i should probably just get really into weed or something.
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processed some trauma i think
#i did a lot of things very wrong when i was a teenager but also i was a teenager and everything was difficult#i feel bad for how i ended some of my friendships over the years bc it was often like.#they were clearly struggling. something was deeply wrong with all of my friends home lives. deadly serious things. molestation abuse etc#but when i was 14-16 that was extremely difficult for me to contextualize. i knew it was bad of course i wasnt stupid#it was more just. i didnt have the life experience to know just How Much it affected a person.#that type of shit can obliterate healthy functioning adults. the type of behavior it invokes in teens can be fucking UNPARALLELED#it affects your entire brain and body. i dont think theres a single part of you thats left completely undamaged.#in retrospect i now recognize that there was more i could've done. i could've talked to my parents more and i really dont know why I didnt.#i think I just felt like nothing could be done?#and there probably wasnt much that could be done#but idk. it could've helped me process it which could've helped them process it.#and as important as i think compassion is. even towards people who can be viscerally unpleasant. i was a kid. not a social worker#it was the responsibility of the adults around us to make it better. and they either failed or made it worse.#it's just awful to think back on it and realize that we were all in this shit together. but the trauma ripped us apart anyway.#i really sincerely hope everyone from those dA chatroom days are doing better now. i hope they're safe. i hope they're not dead.#it's always going to bother me a little bit that i have no way of knowing what happened to any of them.
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#sometimes your mh is just... bad#and you cannot stop your brain processes from.being fucked#and you know they're wrong and bad#but you cannot stop it#all you can do it sit there and feel like shit#over something that wouldnt be causing problems if you weren't in dark mode#but here are just like ew#disgusted at yourself#wanting to do irrational things#thinking irrational things#with no way to stop it#and cant even go to sleep bc theres no rest while you're like this#and you know its wrong and bad and you feel like shit#but theres no way to get out of it#and you know you dont truly feel like this when you're normal#it's like it' not even your feelings#wtf#wtf is this#i dont even#just another night where i spent 4 hours obsessively tearing out my hair and trying not to sh#not bc i didn't necessarily want to#that part wasnt even the irrational part#that's been... whatever#but simply bc i know it wouldnt even bring me relief from my current problem anyway#anyway#ignore me
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