#i think theres something wrong with my brain.
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It's always, like, mildly annoying when people see a het trans couple and go "all that work just to be straight?" like... one, you don't know if they're straight and two, trans people don't owe you a queer sexuality to "make up" for the fact we're trans. Transhet people aren't a subtype of trans people, they're members of the trans community, and the queer one if they so desire!
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#and i don't really vibe with the word microaggression but it's very that#like it just comes across like people think trans folks owe them queerness and cabaret preformances y'know?#and we cannot *be* if it means the way we are being isn't this carefully curated version people have of transness + queerness#and it can kind of warp your desires and understanding of yourself because you *want* community and to be seen and to be allowed to just be#this isn't universal and the 'you' is impersonal. i am aware this is a broad range of experiences and not everybody can/does relate#my overall point is that it's probably not the best move to act like this toward trans people#maybe i read too much into this but it's just something i have seen over and over and over and over . . . again#shoutout to the real ones (heterosexual and/or straight trans people or people in straight-presenting relationships 👍)#back to playing the lelda of zelda (is it bad that i don't even call her zelda anymore i just go 'THERES LELDA!!!')#it sounds wrong to call her zelda now 😭#the LEG OF ZEG. SWORD SKORD???? BREATH OF THE WEATH!! -my brain 24/7/365
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was about to make a post like lol hey is it possible for your art to actively degrade even when you draw every single day for years but the fool forgets practice makes permanent not perfect 🫵
#its like that art meme where u just draw over the same lines of something until its just squiggles#talkys#i dont think im ever going to Get it you guys#its so distressing for every drawing to feel like im rolling for skill. bc my brain doesnt hold#onto anything and also theres 500 billion ways to draw 1 single feature#and i get all the wrong worst ones#my favorite thing is how i swiveled to drawing only busts bc i wanted to perfect drawing faces#adn now im not good at drawing faces or bodies <3
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OMFG YOU HAVE MALDAPTIVE DAYDREAMING DISORDER TOO?!? mentally unstable traumatised whores assemble 🗣️/jk
i don't think so ?? i'm undiagnosed so idk what disorder i have :3
#i know theres something wrong with my brain though#i just dk what the wrong is#its a surprise ! kinda like a kinder egg :]#i was referencing a text post i rb'd sometime ago i dont exactly remember what it was but i remember the maladaptive daydreaming part#im sorry for disappointing you i think#franswers
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its really awesummmmm to have body image problems in the world that we live in even trying to “eat healthily” always feels like subjecting myself to a disordered form of eating somehow because my palate is so rectricted already but when i just eat normal stuff that i enjoy like fucking TOAST i start feeling like im going to be killed badly and i overthink every meal choice i make and the amount of ambient Food Noise in my brain at all times is so overwhelming it makes me sick esp when all my “body positive” friends and family are always talking about diet this and diet that and protein shakes and what have you because it’s so insanely normal to do so and my algorithm wont stop showing me healthy cooking videos and talking about protein every meal, diet matters more than exercise, carb replacements tofu pancakes shut up SHUT UPPPPP!!!!!!!!! FUCKK
#i gained a lot of weight on my antidepressants and i cant just stop taking them but it is like fucking up my brain soooo bad to exist#like my brain knows its fine and normal but it doesnt even matter like i live with so much cognitive dissonance it’s become unreal#plus im on the Apps so my physical appearance really does have a direct impact on my life so im always thinking about it all the time#and it curtails with me being a picky eater which i feel like is heinous and morally weong on my part and i feel such an immense GUILT#about it while also being aware i cant really do anything about it yayyyyyy#and then even posting about it feels wrong because im like maybe externalizing it is worse blah blah blah#just feels like something is REALLY wrong with how i think about myself but theres no way to deal with it because#having that mindset about your body is literally the normal state of affairs in everyone else like#personal#flumps. i need to go do pilates now. i guess.
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hi fam !!
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#mikey welsh#ahhh omg :( i just fumbled so bad socially#and i just need to like. never speak again i feel.#and i’m trying to comfort myself because like. my friend started talking badly about me#and said i only use her to vent which makes me sad because i didn’t think that was true and i try to do sm for her#i made physics study guides for her ; compliment her when she posts ; and post her on my story a lot and always wave to her and talk to her#and i dunno. it makes me sad to think that but i can’t help it; you know? i just need to be alone sometimes and not speak to anyone#and it isn’t like i don’t wanna be her friend ; of course i do but like. it just hurts my heart she doesn’t wanna be my friend anymore#and it hurts my heart so bad and i dunno what im meant to do. and yesterday i had a party#and i said a bad joke in front of the wrong people and i just. accidentally embarrassed one of my good friends and i feel so bad#and everyone js went quiet and it’s just. i feel awful and need to be like. beheaded.#and i try to comfort myself like oh it’s okay. today is a new day. but today i feel even worse about it and there’s nothing i can do#to fix this; like on one hand THERES NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX MY BLUNDER!!! but on the other hand; there’s nothing i can do and i have left#my imprint in their minds and it’s so bad. i wish i was like. dead or something; yk? like not even weezer can make me feel better and it#sucks so badly . i wish i could just not think anymore and ignore everything in my life. i just hate myself so badly right now ; and i can’t#even be sure that i’m gonna be better cuz i just lack so much social awareness. i wish#i was more socially aware . i just hate when i get too comfortable. i wish i awkwardly sat in the corner and#didn’t speak to anybody the entire night to spare myself from any awkwardness. i hate parties!! i shouldn’t have gone :(#SORRY FOR THR BENT POST I JS NEEDED TO TELL SOMEONE AND LIKE. GET KT OHT YK?#it’s just so. ahhh i hate everything sm rn :( but liek me and the friend joke like that all the time and idk. im just. :( i feel terrible#and i’ve apologized and he said it was okay but embarrassing cuz some ppl looked at him for his reaction#and i dunno. i just feel awful and need to just. focus solely on academics until my brain is fried and i can’t function or something !
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sending my mom a bunch of articles about autism in AFAB people cause I'm sick of her insinuating I just pick some sort of thing to be wrong with me without actually looking into anything
but the thing that's always going to stick with me is that "neurotypical people don't sit and wonder is there's something wrong with them"
or something along those lines
#saltnsugarbear#sugartalks#im just a little frustrated#i dont just say shit esp with labels as heavy as autism can be#and ive spent so many years thinking theres something wrong with my brain#and my habits align with why my brother was going to get tested#but yeah whatever
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my gender is like meat leaf i think. boy materials in the structure of girl. like im a girl made out of boy things but not in a transman way like i like being female im just. a girl-leaning boygirl. maybe??
#u dont understand ive been insisting to all of my friends for like 6 years that im NOT a trans man#i cannot be proven wrong at this point i'll lose it#and anyways im not actually a guy#im definitely a girl just like. a type of girl that scientists haven't discovered yet#and that sounds like a joke but im soooo fucking serious#im a fucking student geneticist dude#i think theres some autosomal gene (or probably multiple) that regulate gender in convoluted ways#probably linked and i think there's probably multiple types of fem and masc genders not to mention non fem OR masc genders#codominant? incomplete dominance? is it different on different scales?#its a completely possible and furthermore plausible concept like from my perspective it'd be really weird if gender genetics weren't a thing#i think theyve already lowkey been proven to be a thing cause of that paper comparing trans brains to cis brains#& finding a link where trans men had a certain section that was the same as cis men#and that same section in trans women was the same in cis women#its an OLD study too#anyways i want to research this one day but i also dont because i dont trust humanity with that information#but if i found proof that it exists maybe it could seriously back trans people with scientific evidence#not that they should fucking NEED it testimony should be fucking good enough#ive been bio obsessed since i was born and im a natural skeptic#but when i was 11 i asked a trans person i knew like 2 fucking questions and they answered me and i was like 'yeah this makes sense'#figured anything that didnt make sense was just something i didnt understand yet#and now that im older and in college level biology and genetics classes i know i was right#it would be really really weird if trans people didnt exist did you know that? all the kinds too like nb genderfluid agender genderq demi#i dont fucking care it makes SENSE#'nonbinary' was a good term to adopt because it really just fits perfectly#nothing in biology is ever ever ever truly binary especially not a neurological and psychological phenomenon#especially not in a species with a brain so overly complex and tangled up like HOMO SAPIENS??#are you kidding?? the fact that we even have a concept of art and music let alone have talents and passions for them is proof alone dude#that shit doesn't help us survive its a modified version of pattern recognition and uncanny valley#combine that shit with the fact that intersex people exist?? like#nonbinary gender is literally the combination of intersexuality and human neurology
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#tko_art#hahah wrong eye shape#hers is more droopy and less awakey#wow colors suck#really hard#but i've noticed it doesn't feel like my brain is going to explode everytime I try to determine color and values#i kind of got too tired and wanted to giv eup so no tear drop#which made me sad because i did want to try that#but back hurts#gotta go to bed to fight god tomorrow/today#i love rendering skin tones#they're so much fun#lovely love#I have accidentally locked in#suddenly every single moment of time that i'm not spending to do art is unappealing and so damaging#i'm psyching myself out of doing things I know will give me instant gratification and will make me pretty happy for whattttttttt#it's kinda depressing#If i think about it too hard it's just a constant cycle of oh god this is it for the rest of my life#so no thinking it is!#blegh this seems so silly and trivial#i hope nobody reads this shit#i'd have to kill myself or something#im never gonna stop thinking about how i didnt say i loved you back#and it haunts me#and i cant stop thinking about what u said to me#and even tho u didnt say it harshly i cant stop my mind from running away from me#and theres something horribly wrong with me that i need to gouge out#i hope u never read this#i didnt want to be (x) how fucked up is that#i wish i wasnt like this i wish i didnt have to learn how to live with trauma i wish i was normal
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i hate being slow as hell. what is wrong with me bro WE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS STUPID
#doesnt matter what i do someones always gonna point it out at some point or another#theres always gonna be someone to make me feel stupid#for all intents and purposes i might as well be missing half my brain . at least then id have a good reason for being this way. smfh#nah . i am forever going to be fucking pissed off at how every adult in my life failed me. maybe i would be okay if someone just fucking#helped me. if someone just fucking noticed my existence and saw something was wrong. but no one did. and now im like this.#now im like this and nobody is going to help me. and they'll think im fucking braindead. or fucking treat me like a child. BECAUSE THEY DO#BECAUSE I KEEP FUCKING SEEING IT. THEY DONT EVEN KNOW AND YET THEY DO IT. I GUESS THEY SMELL IT OR SOMETHING#its not even like theyre wrong in treating me like that either . i dont think i can do fucking anything without being guided and coaxed.#its just another reminder ill never be normal. and i hate that#i hate being disabled. i hate being disabled. i hate being disabled.#toxi.txt
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so like the main reason why i love lifesteal so mcuh is just Yay funny mcyt thing with unscripted lore and everyone there is completely insane and game breaking exploits happen sometimes and it takes like a month to figure out what the fuck is happening if youre a newcomer which is like literally the perfect form of media for me. but the second biggest reason is because nobody there can communicate for shit and it fascinates me. nothing i love more than watching people talk for what feels like hours and not arrive at anything because they just fundamentally cannot understand each other. its so beautiful i love watching problems that could be solved by talking like normal people for 10 minutes escalate to the point of war and destruction of the entire world
#honestly theres a very long list of reasons why i love lifesteal so much it genuinely feels like it was made to appeal to me specifically#its all i ever wanted and i would not recommend it to my worst enemy. theres just something wrong with the way my brain works i think#its 1:10am and im so sleepy and words arent wording right now im just Thinking#like just generally thinking. this is completely incoherent but im just always blown away by how horrible all of these people are at#communicating with each other on literally any level. its so fascinating. i feel like a scientist watching it#none of this means anything im literally just saying words i have to be up in 6 hours im going to sleep bye
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Okay, I'll be serious, promise. I've been saying (and seeing other people say) forever that the sheer level of alpha hate has a lot of anti-black undertones. But I've also seen some of it rooted in being anti-sexualization of children, pageantry, etc. I think a lot of people go way too far with that, not realizing what they're implying, while others gladly use it as an excuse to be anti-black. It depends on context, and as a whole I think well-meaning people should be wiser with their words and try to move away from using terms like "yassify" to describe what they're actually trying to refer to. Because that encourages not only the black alpha simmer hate in general, but also pushes that negative actions towards child sims all onto them, whether that was intentional or not. Really think about the terms you use before you use them, and what you're really trying to say before you post something. Because regardless of intention, words have consequences. Not only for yourself, but for the community that we all are a part of.
#ceci speaks#text#nonsims#negative#tldr: think before you speak#hajsjdkd#something ive been having to learn#i want to say more here but i cant get my brain to work#theres a lot of levels to this issue that ive spoken about for a while#it goes pretty deep#but i dont think all of it is malicious#and sadly some ppl still associate black ppl mainly with adultification of children#which is just wrong#thats usually pushed onto us by society tbh#and im p sure we didnt invent beauty pageants#😂#but u know#its way too late for me to be writing this#thats why its so short
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#not really a vent - just a quick thought before i sleep but like.#i keep thinking about that post#theres no way ill find it now but the gist was that 'joy is a warning bell to neurodivergent brains'#and how when we feel joy it means we've loosened up and that always leads to a problem --#whether its getting to be Too Much or saying the wrong thing or even just getting physically loose and clumsy#but it conditions the brain to see joy as something to fear#because relaxing means we're about to fuck something up#and ive been doing so well this year keeping up with and calling people#ive felt more social lately#literally everyone has been so incredibly kind to me and i want to express how grateful i am and how much i love you all#but every time i try to i get so choked up with fear#with each wave of happiness comes one of chest-squeezing fear#im not super upset or anything (its nice to know why its happening) i just wish i knew how to unlearn it ya know 🤷♀️#thats all - time to sleep#its so late -_-#awww its my pals birthday now!! earth day birthday :') too late rn but ill text him when i get up#rose rambles
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Sometimes I get the urge to be like "Well, they can't live forever" when it comes to shitty situations with shitty people. But then I remember that A: shitty person dying might not be the result that someone wants, and B: it actually can take quite a while for people to die, in many cases
Idk I'm just so used to death being right around the corner that I'm like "Well maybe he'll die soon and that'll fix it" but he probably won't die that soon and it also might not fix it. Or be wanted.
Idk it's such a specific mentality that I have now. People can die with such short notice that you Never Know! The solution to all your problems may be short at hand. You never know.
#speculation nation#honestly i think the Year Of Death knocked a bit of a screw loose in me.#zero trust in anyone's longetivity. Any person around me could die with no warning at all. death comes in many forms.#including me! i could also die like that!#so people will ask things like 'do you think youll live until youre 70' and im like. i dont know!#i'll try to! but i could die next week. or today. or tomorrow. or in 50 years. it's all a giant game of gacha.#or perhaps russian roulette. but with a biiiiiiig barrel.#every day god cocks it back and pulls the trigger and Click! not my day to die today!#someday he'll pull that trigger and my metaphorical brains will blow. and yknow what i'll be dead so it wont even matter.#quite fortuitous that i already wasnt scared of death before getting such severe mortality awareness.#im gonna try to live as long as i can bc there are lots of things i still want to do. but when it's my time?#i'll be dead anyways. wont be able to care then.#theres a very specific kind of feeling that comes from dealing with sudden losses so consistently.#of receiving a call from someone who doesnt normally call you out of the blue and going 'oh boy someone else is dead now huh'#of answering it. having that hunch confirmed. and you just gotta go 'Okay. thanks for telling me.'#anyways i think theres something wrong with me but at least im still functioning fine. so it could be worse!#negative/#kinda lol. did get a bit into vent territory here.
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#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper#thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times#like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she#was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled#a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where#you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what#then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have#and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my#leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but#i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying#my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound#by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting#better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that#and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do#what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated
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ohh so itz one of Those days for me today huh.
#days where i ponder What if my friends and also literally everyone ever all Hated me due to the Valid reasons for hating me.#and then i spend so much time contemplating 1) what i would do if Everyone hated me and how i would explain myself in various situations an#places. what i would say how people would react what i would do in response etc. and then also 2) i contemplate and recontemplate my belief#over and over even tho i Know by now how i feel. because What if my opinion changes and i realize i was wrong before. and i finally arrive#at the perfect answer that feels Right and Good and True and which i could adequately explain to anyone and convince anyone of itz Rightnes#and Correctness. like thats not gonna happen thats not an answer that Exists can i chill out and focus on my classwork pleas.#i mean actually i have gotten some shit done. but i have More to do still. and i should work on more things instead of Contemplating and#Feeling bad over and over in ways i knooowwww will not lead me anywhere new. but what if they do!! what if i stop thinking about things and#then one day i would have had some realization if only id thought more but i didnt!#like come on. theres more productive things i can be doing with my time than going back and forth about this. pleaseee. this will not lead#to anything new can i Please do something useful and not bad-feeling with my time instead#but also i should not avoid uncomfortable thoughts just because they feel bad.. itz Important to be uncomfortable sometimes in order to gro#hhhhhhhhhhhh. this has been my brain all day whenever im not sufficiently distracting myself with conversation or school work.#imagining and running through scenarios of what would happen if various strangers and friends found out and disliked me for some things#is Not a good or productive use of my time rn. i need to focus on not failing any classes Please
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Whhenever i get really scared like reallyyyyy scared or when i get really lonely i consider reconverting to christianity. and like gaslighting myself into believing in god again. just to have A Guy whos super powerful and also loves me and is looking oit for me
#text#im not actually doing tbat. because cjriatianity deginitely did really bad things to my feveloping brain#but i do consider it everry couple months or so. bbecause theres sometning wrong witj me#but like. i hate xtianity 😭 the type i was raised in specifically anyway#there are cool xtians and stuff and tberes aspects of the religion that istill find beautiful/comfoeting/whayever#but i also disagree with some fundamental aspects so not really a good match for me i think HAHA#abd like theres other religions but i also dont beljeve in god really so. yknow.#well i think mostly im looking for comfort and community more than religion#so i should probably just get really into weed or something.
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