#i think subconsciously really resented me whether or not they realized it due to things out of my control that i represented and well

[thedevotionaltour]

thought about my sibling and had to stop bc i started getting too angry in my mind

[impalementation]

if you're interested, i'd love to hear your thoughts on That scene in empty places, bc the way that i've seen most people talk about it doesn't always feel very nuanced and like... i get being frustrated and i for sure think some extremely unfair things to/about buffy were said, but i don't think it's as cut and dry as buffy being totally blameless (even though i love her) and everyone else (particularly the main scoobies, who don't have her responsibilities but have fought alongside her and earned the right to disagree w her imo) being terrible. Like it may have gone too far?? But idk, I have trouble articulating why, but I think there's more nuance to the situation than people want to say, so I'm curious about your thoughts

Anonymous asked:

whats your take on empty places and the scoobs kicking buffy out of her house?

Anonymous asked:

Why did Buffy allowed Dawn to kick her out in Empty Places?

Wow, so many questions about “Empty Places”! Sorry, as ever, that these took me a while to get to.

I actually agree, I think there’s more nuance there than it’s given credit for. I talked about that a bit in this post a while back. I wouldn’t say that the character build-up to that scene is as well-executed as it could have been, but it hardly comes out of nowhere, and it’s not some random thing. Or, as I’ve seen people suggest, simply there to make Spike look good and push him and Buffy together. I’m sure their romantic arc was a factor in the storytelling, but to call that the only motivation seems to me a vast oversimplification and dismissal of ideas that were built over the course of the season.

Season seven is, as I’ve discussed before, about how the Slayer system is broken. It’s a system that isolates Buffy and puts all of the decision-making in her hands. Meaning that it’s a system that is neither good for her, nor good for anyone around her, no matter how strong and brave Buffy is. All season long, we see Buffy struggle with both the limits of her power, and the demands of her authority. She wants to be able to save every girl, and fight every ubervamp, but she simply can’t be everywhere and stronger than everything. She wants to be a caring friend, but when she’s the one who has to make decisions about whether people should live or die, she can’t always be. When she’s the one who has to make all the hard choices, that means the blame always falls on her shoulders. When she fucks up, there’s nothing for her to fall back on. The fact that Buffy is forced to be this kind of sole authority means that the people around her are right to feel that they aren’t being listened to, or fully considered. Because often they aren’t. They see the people around them getting maimed and killed and suddenly realize that maybe it isn’t right that all their eggs should be in Buffy’s basket. But at the same time, they’re wrong, because they’re the ones who put their eggs there. They’re the ones who kept looking the other way as Buffy made hard choice after hard choice on their behalf. They’re as complicit in (and victimized by) the broken system as Buffy is.

Keep in mind the season’s perception themes. Everyone gets mad at Buffy, and Buffy gets mad at herself, because they’re all too close to the situation to see that the problem isn’t really Buffy, it’s what being the Slayer has forced Buffy to be. The dynamic it’s forced between her and the people around her. Notice how in the very next episode, Faith finds herself dealing with the exact same problems that Buffy was. The same hard decisions, and the same ambient resentments. It’s actually very important that Faith has to be a leader for a bit, in order to show this--the fact that the problem is being the Slayer, not Buffy. I’d even argue that it’s the much more thematically relevant motivation for the scene than getting Buffy and Spike alone.

As far as thematic motivations go, I also think it’s crucial that Buffy is thrown out of her house. That is some powerful symbolism for a season that leans so hard into the symbolism of Buffy’s house in general, and it’s disappointing to see people ignore it in their eagerness to be mad at everyone. The house is a lot of things—the familiar, the stable, the normative, the safe—but most importantly it’s also Buffy’s self. Notice how Spike and Faith, both Buffy’s shadow at different times, hang out in Buffy’s basement: the realm of the id and subconscious. Notice how as the house breaks down, Buffy gets injured as well.

So for Buffy to be thrown out of her house, it’s the climax of the season’s isolation themes not just in terms of story, but also metaphor. She has literally been cast out of herself. She’s been banished from her identity and role. But at the same time, once she’s on the outside of that myopic, claustrophobic system, she is able to connect with her shadow (Spike) and see the situation with new eyes. The reason that Spike is the one who can talk Buffy back is that firstly, unlike the Scoobies, his later seasons arc is all about learning to not ask Buffy for things that aren’t appropriate--romantic reciprocation, moral structure. Secondly, he was once the tool and symbol of her isolation, the icon of her shame and guilt and belief that she needed to isolate herself. For her to make peace with Spike is about her rejecting that isolation and shame, and transforming it.

Of course, I can talk about symbolism all I want and it doesn’t necessarily matter if the writers didn’t make it believable on the object level too—the level of character and plot and all of that. It’s a regular problem on Buffy, the writing caring more about symbolism than sense. While I think that most of the characters have adequate motivation for the scene—really, it’s been building from the beginning; remember the confrontation between Buffy and Xander as early as “Selfless”? or Buffy fighting with Giles and Wood two episodes earlier? or the way she argued with everyone in “Get It Done”? or the Potentials doubting her from basically their first episodes?—the one character that seems truly undeveloped is Dawn. She got that warning from the First in “Conversations With Dead People”, but the season doesn’t follow up on it well enough to draw a clear line between that seed of doubt and her attitude in “Empty Places.” Given that Dawn is Buffy’s “humanity” or “youth” or what have you, it’s symbolically significant that she would be the final one to cast Buffy out. But that seems like a clear case of the story not earning its metaphor, unfortunately.

To answer the third ask: as far as why Buffy let Dawn kick her out, on a character level I think she was pretty defeated by that point. But symbolically, I think the part about Buffy’s human self rejecting her is important for that. Buffy has a tenuous relationship to her belief in her humanity at the best of times, so it’s pretty easy for me to believe that she would feel lost and numbed enough by being rejected by that part of herself, that she wouldn’t fight it.

(Controversial opinion, but I actually kind of like that “Empty Places” isn’t due to the First sowing obvious discord. I’ve seen lots of people suggest that that would have been the stronger and more believable choice, and I get the instinct. But if the point of the season is to show that the villain is the Slayer system, then it makes more sense for that to be the thing that drives the conflict, and not an external force influencing them. There might have been a way to use the First that was compatible with that, but it wouldn’t have worked if the problem was just The First. Imo, of course.)

All of which is to say, that if you see the season as being about faulty perception, broken systems, and the dangers of isolation, then “Empty Places” actually makes perfect sense as a climax of the season. The problem really comes down to whether you think it was earned enough (which in some cases I think it was, and in others it wasn’t), or generally handled well, and whether you think those ideas are interesting in the first place.

[jangmi-latte]

I heard you wanted help with a character analysis! I have come to help out, if I can! So, I have a question for you that may help out with at least one character we have information on, do you think Jamil Viper truly hates Kalim Al-Asim because of how the two's families' situation or Jamil is lying to himself? If you wish, I can discuss it with you and help you come to a conclusion, I am more than happy to help you if you need it.

You know, I have been observing Jamil’s actions ever since Chapter 5 started. It has been very visible that this vice-dorm leader has gone through a lot and the fandom knows that for sure. It bothers me sometimes seeing some Jamil x Kalim one-shots where it focuses on Jamil being all friendly with Kalim – friendly in a way the servant master relationship doesn’t bother him when it’s the other way around. I hope this essay of mine helps out expound on Kalim and Jamil’s relationship starting from pre-enrollment to post-enrollment. Before I jump straight into the main question, I’ll slowly expound on Jamil’s progress throughout the Scarabia Arc towards Pomefiore’s Arc.

i would also love to created the TWISTED WONDERLAND WIKIA and for the translators who are behind this site for providing the translations. this analysis won't be complete without them. it has been a very big help.

do note this analysis is NOT SPOILER-FREE so if you don’t wanna get spoiled, this meal is not for your dear customer.

01. Jamil’s freedom

First, let’s differentiate how Jamil acts with and without Kalim around. In most of the main and personal stories, Jamil was always with Kalim. In one instance – like in his PE card – we have seen Jamil without Kalim around. We can see how Jamil has a tendency to be bossy and how he has a way with words in terms of helping Floyd with his desire to do a headstand. Yes, he may have shown this personality around Kalim, however, it is noted how Jamil didn’t hold back into explaining to Floyd (very detailed at that) about the one thing he’s good at. Until he has caught himself again and realized he spoke too much.

We can see how Jamil desperately wants to share who he really was (his talents, his ideologies, etc.) to others, something he couldn’t show when he’s around Kalim.

He said it himself, “my inner dancing soul started to ache…” which is why he shared his own thoughts.

“Ahem! …It’s nothing. When I went out with Kalim in the past, there were occasions where I did a bit of dancing.” He held back again just because Kalim was mentioned. Ace even mentioned how it wasn’t A BIT of what Jamil did in dancing.

It’s obvious how Jamil actually wanted to dance more and teach Floyd what he’s good at except Ace mentioned how it was a basketball club and not a dance club. It’s clear how he’s used to adjusting himself and hold back with what he wants to do. We’re just glad Floyd somehow persuaded that made Jamil show his real self.

Do note how Floyd complimented Jamil when he did a handstand and how happy he must’ve felt about himself.

He was willing, his own choice, to teach Floyd and NOT because he’s obligated to like he was around Kalim. He even shared what techniques he could do.

In his voice lines, we can see how Jamil actually wants to be more powerful. Not like that’s already not obvious, however, there was always the resentment of holding back. He wanted to enjoy himself, as noted in Fairy Gala where he went all out and didn’t hold back, and in Dances and Wishes where he mentioned that he wanted to travel alone. In one of his groovy lines, he said “Sometimes it’s nice to just forget about everything and enjoy yourself. It’s been a long time since I felt like that.”

HE DOESN’T WANT TROUBLE ANYMORE!!! Please, give this man a break, he really hates getting into other people’s business. Let alone getting dragged into them. Why is this under his freedom category? Because anywhere Kalim is, there will always be trouble. Meaning, not only is his safety in the line but also the way he acts. Stiff, robot-like, servant, guardian, you say it. Is Jamil one of those? No.

He always tries to find something beneficial with being around Kalim. Dancing, for example. He stated that whether he likes it or not, Jamil has eventually found fun in dancing and let alone develop strength just by chasing him around.

It has always been mentioned how Jamil is good at cooking and I even read that his kitchen is his go-to when he's stressed and whatnot. But let's remember that Jamil DOESN'T really likes cooking that much. He's only obligated to do so. He mentioned it in his SSR dorm uniform voice lines. Don't associate him with the kitchen too much. 

He ALWAYS mentions Kalim!!! In every voice line, in every personal story, hell, even the main story, there wouldn't be ONE instance where he wouldn't mention Kalim. Why? That's what he was born to do. To always mention his master, to mention his position, to keep the focus away from him and move it towards who he's serving. That's his life. Imagine his happiness when he finally gets a chance to shine on his own.

Connecting to the previous paragraph, either Jamil notices it or not, he consciously and subconsciously lies to himself and to others — except to those who have Asim as their last name. We all know Jamil would go boast about his intelligence, skills, and talents when he wants to and as noted in his overblot, he didn't hold back (he was in a state of no control, yes, but when someone overblots they most often spill what they were truly feeling deep down). Yet, Jamil has grown accustomed into lying to himself and to others that, "This is what I can only do. This is what I am for, etc." He always belittles himself to others and it wasn't a choice of his. 

I noticed how Jamil would always say he doesn't want to stand out and I couldn't point out whether this includes him lying to himself or he genuinely just doesn't like attention. Why this confuses me is because he said he wanted to be number one and known for his own talents yet he doesn't like standing out. I would assume that he wants to be known for who he is in a way of recognition and not by any loud or crowd settling attention. 

Now, Jamil often jokes about "I'm the master now, serve me" in his SSR birthday card and it's easy to point out that (1) he isn't used to attention being placed on him and he's growing accustomed to it, (2) it's a form of control mechanism for him that he knows he's still a servant despite getting such privilege for a day. He is used to his position but that doesn't mean he won't fight for what he wants/believes. After all, Kalim already told him and he's slowly trying to do so without breaking his position still.

02. Jamil’s relationship with Kalim (post-overblot) 

Jamil has vocally stated his hatred for Kalim which happened after his overblot. He doesn’t want to be friends, he doesn’t want ANYTHING that involves being with Kalim. He is there solely for the purpose of being a servant and to finish school. Just like I stated, Jamil tries to find benefits with being around Kalim, whether he likes it or not, he is getting a good dose of education, a good shelter, food, etc. Even though Jamil wants not only him but his family as well to get out of the traditional servant position, he knows he doesn’t have the power to do so. My only conclusion here is that Jamil has very limited choices and that he knows that he has to endure Kalim maybe a bit longer.

Now, this is where we start answering the main question, does Jamil Viper truly hates Kalim Al-Asim because of how the two's families' situation or is he lying to himself? The answer is no – in the prospect of hating Kalim. BUT the most logical answer I could give is that Jamil is slowly warming up (VERY SLOWLY) to Kalim AND NOT HIS FAMILY’S POSITION. Those are two different things:

Jamil’s obligation is to look after Kalim, feed him, protect him, teach him, etc. That’s what he hates. What I’m trying to say here is that Jamil still cares about Kalim. Why do I say this? Notice in the Fairy Gala event, not only did he prove himself to the audience and to Vil but he also was having fun. Despite the harsh training he went through, I believe those smiles he shared with Kalim showed the progress in their relationship with each other.

In Chapter 5-34, we can see Kalim talking about how he was poisoned and mentioned he doesn’t like the idea of the culprit (whoever plans to poison him)  never apologizing when he ever was poisoned. Based on Jamil’s silence, what he probably felt was guilt. He never apologized for what he did but he knew what he did was wrong. At the beginning chapters of Chapter 5, he did explain what happened between him and the dorm students and how he’ll just stick to Kalim from now on. He despises Kalim’s sweet, sunshine, nature because he’s the exact opposite. He knows he’s the villain, he knows he can’t accept Kalim’s personality due to his nature. Kalim’s too nice, Jamil isn’t, they go well together and he (Jamil) doesn’t want to do anything with it. Let Kalim live his own life, he’ll live his.

“We’re not friends, remember…?” Remember Jamil’s tendency to lie? He’s lying to himself. He always tries to make himself hate Kalim but he can’t.

Want to be even more convinced? Chapter 5-30, why would Jamil eavesdrop on MC and Kalim’s conversation? He’s watching over Kalim, yes, but what do you think he felt after hearing Kalim finally learn? Don’t you think he felt relieved? I know for sure he won’t feel guilt over that, all he wanted was for Kalim to be aware of their differences and to be independent. That’s what’s happening to Kalim right now.

Ah, additional to that, the Halloween event. Jamil checked on Kalim, didn’t he? He trusted Kalim on his own. He was actually smiling when Ace pointed out how he keeps checking his phone. He was only checking on Kalim, okay, but please. The trust he actually placed on Kalim was big. Improvement in friendship.

Concerning his position, that’s the sole thing Jamil wants to change. That has always been his goal. To change his family’s position as servant, get a break, have freedom. Who knows? If Jamil ever did get what he wanted, he might go back to Kalim. He’s hard to read.

Conclusion:

I wanted to expound more on the depth of their relationship but this post has gotten too long. To keep it short, Jamil is still contemplating to himself. We can’t instantly jump into the ‘yes and no’ into his hatred for we are still ongoing with Pomefiore’s chapter which will unfold more of their relationship. He somehow hates Kalim but doesn’t in a way of personality and ideology, not the whole person himself. He also hates his position but again, Jamil did something wrong and he knows it. They’re both still learning, they’re both still progressing throughout their relationship. I hope this analysis answered your question! It was fun ^^.

[quokkacore]

son of wolves I [park chanyeol & byun baekhyun]

for @imsoba​, who asked for an angsty, fluffy enemies to lovers au. merry christmas from your secret santa! written for the @exolssecretsanta​ gift exhange.

summary:  your entire life, you've fought bravely to defend the walls of your home from the evil forest spirits of the spearwood trying to destroy it, alongside your family, friends, and your betrothed, baekhyun. until you're infected by the evil that resides in one of these spirits, and you run away from home, before it can spread to those around you. it's in your exile, wandering through the spearwood that you meet the wolf prince, a tall man of hardened eyes, few words, and a fiery temperament, raised by these spirits you've so grown to resent. it's here that you begin to question everything you've ever known, and wonder whether the evil was out here, in the forest, or inside the walls of a place you once called home.

pairings: hunter!baekhyun x reader, wolfprince!chanyeol x reader

genre: reverse princessmononoke!au, angst, fluff, slow burn, enemies to lovers, fantasy epic, slow burn, war au, wolf!au

warnings for this chapter: violence, animal attacks, mild descriptions of gore, mild body horror(?), can you tell i did my best to avoid calling them tentacles but there are only so many times i can use the words “coils” and “tendrils”, language, subtle emotional manipulation, reader feels VERY violent urges but they’re not too descriptive, hypothermia maybe?, intentional starvation for purposes of wilderness survival, chanyeol is kind of aggressive and intimidating, SO MUCH worldbuilding im srry, VERY precarious (and probably inaccurate) medical procedures performed by the reader, chanyeol is a slob but hes literally feral so??

song recs: ateez - hala hala // stevie nicks - rooms on fire // the weeknd - until i bleed out // joe hisaishi - departure (to the west) // howard shore & billy boyd - the sacrifice of faramir + to the edge of night // jorja smith - i am 

word count: 11.5k

a/n: first of all, i want to apologize a little bit to the person this was meant for. i meant to write this in two parts, but due to external factors, i’m going to have to split it into three. i hope you like it <3 second of all, i think i strayed a bit from the original source material, but i hope u guys can enjoy it regardless!! merry christmas to everyone, this is a gift to my followers as well. 

main masterlist  // story masterlist

chapter one: the bite

It was supposed to be a routine patrol just outside the perimeter of Ironbend. You hadn’t been expecting the beasts and the rider to ambush the two of you in such a way. One moment you and Baekhyun were eyeing the treeline, the next the wolves were running up on you, and your reindeers were taking off, attempting to lead them away from the village. 

“Get the others!” Baekhyun called to you, running between the trees, “I’ll lead them away from the wall!”

You nodded, directing the reindeer to veer away from the chase. You looked back, eyeing Baekhyun warily before he and his reindeer disappeared further into the trees, the sound of howling getting further and further away. 

But the sound of large paws against the forest floor did not. Knowing what was coming, you turned, aiming the arrow you’d nocked earlier in your bow, and met eyes with the beast that had been chasing you. 

Immediately, you knew that this beast was different. Its running pattern was erratic, as if it were tired but still euphoric, and you could see a wound on its neck, staining its fur a dark color. Not red, but almost black. You let the arrow fly at it, grazing its side, but it didn’t growl. Its sneer grew bigger, but no growl or snarl left its mouth. You faced frontwards again, watching as you came closer to the treeline, the wall of Ironbend coming into view. 

“THE WOLVES!” You shouted towards the men on the parapets, standing guard, “GET THE RIDERS, THE WOLVES ARE—!”

The bite came both expectedly and unexpectedly, the wolf pouncing on you and knocking you off of your reindeer. You tumbled onto the ground, pinned down by the white wolf, feral and mad. The way your head fell against the ground, plus the cold snow left you disoriented and dizzy. Expectedly and unexpectedly, because in a fight like this, you always expect there to be injuries, maybe even casualties. But deep down, on a subconscious level, you never really expect it to be you. 

Humans cling to hope, and sometimes end up having it pried from their cold, dead hands. No matter how hopeless things become, everyone always has a “maybe”, or a “what if”. And today, your “maybe” had turned sour. Out of nowhere, the white beast had locked its maw around your arm, and was thrashing you back and forth. You could feel an intense pain in your arm as its teeth broke your skin and attempted to rip off your limb. In your disorientation, you began to panic, your other arm trying to beat the animal off of you. You pulled at its fur, and threw punches, but what seemed to distract it enough was when you tugged at the wound, and managed to stick a few fingers inside, gripping whatever was in the wound.

The beast reared back as it let out a pained cry and then a ferocious snarl. You managed to scoot back at least a little bit, putting some distance between you and the wolf, and grabbed the bow, which you had dropped as you fell.

Blood was dripping down your marred arm, and in those seconds that seemed to pass like an eternity, you realized that the wolf’s saliva was, for some reason, a thick, semi translucent black color. 

I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m going to die. 

The scent of the beast’s rancid blood pierced your nose and the sound of other men shouting were the sensations you could feel around you, but not before you felt something inside of you, a deep, masculine voice echoing in your head.

Your hate infected me, the voice growled, now my hate will infect you, and you will die the same way I will: slowly, painfully and overtaken by rage.

Then the voice was ripped from your head, the same way the beast was ripped away from you as the other riders came to your rescue. You were picked up by one of them, thrown onto his reindeer behind him, and you gripped on tightly to his shirt with your uninjured arm as he turned his reindeer sharply to follow after the wolf, which was most likely returning to its pack, towards the sounds of shouting, howling, and gunshots.

“Are you okay?” He asked loudly, and you recognized the voice instantly. 

“I think so,” You answered Jongdae over the wind, “I’m hurt pretty badly, but nothing Yixing can’t fix.”

With some difficulty, huffing in pain as you did so, you reached for another arrow, nocking it into your bow in preparation to let it fly at another wolf. Jongdae’s reindeer followed the wolf in its tracks, and stopped when you ran through the trees and stumbled across the fight. The wolves were incessant in their snarling and attempts to trample the riders and their reindeers, but your eyes ignored them despite the chaos, falling to Baekhyun, who was now off of his reindeer, his sword pulled out, dodging the rider’s dagger. You could see the anger on Baekhyun’s face, his chest heaving.

You couldn’t see the rider’s face. You never could whenever they attacked. All you knew was that he was significantly taller than Baekhyun, and that his hands were tanned and littered with scars. His face was covered by a red mask, back covered by the pelt of a white wolf, neck accented by a necklace of sharp teeth from different animals. His simple clothes were black, hiding the rest of his body. The man moved aggressively, grunting as he played the offense, repeatedly trying to stab your lover. 

You sneered and let your arrow fly, catching him right in his right shoulder blade, piercing through his clothes. The man stopped, groaning in pain, back arching in pain. He was barely able to dodge Baekhyun, who had taken the hit as an opening for him to strike with his sword. The rider stepped back, letting out a loud whistle before getting onto the largest wolf. He whistled again, and the other wolves began to retreat, dodging the large metal bullets that rained down on them from the guns of the other soldiers.

When the silence settled, Baekhyun’s eyes settled on you, and then he was running towards you and Jongdae, eyes flashing in alarm as he saw the mangled flesh of your arm. 

“What happened to you?” He asked, voice loud and concerned. 

“The wolf that came after me knocked me off my reindeer,” You replied, suddenly feeling lightheaded as the adrenaline began to wear off, “Bit me pretty bad.”

He looked up at you, then to Jongdae.

“Get her to Yixing. Now.”

“The bite left her cursed.”

Murmurs broke out amongst the council of leaders, and you felt your eyes flutter shut at Yixing’s tone. Normally soft and gentle, now his tone was loud as he spoke to the ten members of the council, and you could tell he was angry.

“What do you mean cursed?” Your father, head of the council, asked. 

“The beast was infected with hatred,” The healer explained, “Hatred of that kind stems from war and festers in ways we mortals cannot comprehend. As he’s a demigod, one of the sons of Selyne, it will most likely turn him into a demon.” 

“One of our finest female warriors cursed by a descendant of that wretched she-wolf,” The head of war huffed, her eyes settled on the bandages of your injured arm. “How will the curse work on Y/N?”

“It will manifest as dark magic.” Yixing’s voice was low, and you felt Baekhyun’s hand tighten around your own uninjured one. “It will harm her and those around her when it does, and it will slowly spread through her body. It will kill her when it reaches her heart, or her brain—whichever it reaches first.”

You looked up. “But there has to be a cure,” You quipped, “I can’t die. I refuse to.”

“Y/N.” Yixing’s eyes were sympathetic. “There isn’t. I hate to say this to you, but this is a death sentence. By my estimates you have at best, a month and a half.”

“Can we at least slow it down, hyung?” Baekhyun asked, voice pained. Your eyes squeezed shut at the slight desperation in his voice. “Make it less painful?” “Make it less painful, maybe. Slow it down… I don’t think I can, Baek. I’m sorry.”

You watched him nod, jaw clenching, the hand atop yours clenching slightly. “There has to be something,” You insisted. “What about the story of the wounded warrior—”

“Y/N, that’s a myth.” Your father’s tone was both sympathetic at your insistence, but also angered by your refusal to accept the truth. “And besides, that myth originated centuries ago, before we took hold of our destinies and left The Spearwood to build Ironbend.”

“Do you really think the Pillars of the Forest—do you think Emyr, the proud fool that he is, would heal you as he did the wounded warrior, after three centuries of war against his kingdom? After all of the weapons we’ve created, all the soldiers of his we’ve gotten rid of, ”

“Emyr asked the warrior for a sacrifice, then. I could negotiate something with him, and—”

“And what? What if he asks to give up our weapons, to leave The Spearwood be after everything it’s done to us, so that we may be overrun? Y/N, you may be one of our finest warriors, and you may be my daughter, but I refuse to sacrifice one life over all of Ironbend.”

“Send me on my own, then, papa, but I can’t just—”

“Enough.” His tone was final, and you inhaled sharply as you attempted to control the shaking in your arms. 

“You will stay here. And I promise we will do our best to make the rest of your life something for you to look fondly upon when you pass.”

“It’s bullshit,” You growled, blinking back tears as you sat on the bed in the cabin you shared with Baekhyun. “There’s a perfectly good possibility and they won’t even let me try.”

“Y/N, my love,” Baekhyun whispered, coming to kneel between your legs so he could cup your face, “It’s a suicide mission. Going into The Spearwood, of all places, in the dead of winter, to find those four gods and ask them to heal one of their enemies, I… you have to admit, it doesn’t sound logical. If the cold doesn’t kill you, then Selyne and her children certainly will.”

His hand came to rub at your cheek, nose nuzzling against yours, and you knew he was right. 

In the beginning, when man was just another animal, the ancestors of Ironbend lived in The Spearwood, ruled over by the four Pillars of the Forest: Selyne, the wolf goddess, warden of the forest, Beval, the eagle god, keeper of the weather, Mirren, the bear goddess, guardian of families, and Emyr, the deer god, king of the gods, and ruler of the forest. Over time, humans became smarter: they realized they could build things with their hands that animals could not, and they grew proud enough to rally together and leave The Spearwood and the kingdom of the gods to build something permanent: Ironbend. 

The forest exodus triggered a seemingly endless war, which had been going on for over three hundred years. For three hundred years, your ancestors had attempted to destroy the gods’ uncivilized way of life, to end Emyr’s tyranny and extend Ironbend across all of the Spearwood, so that it would finally be gone.

If the gods were as ruthless as they said, Emyr would never heal you when you were a part of the threat to their archaic way of life.

“Baek, I…” You whispered shakily, eyes fluttering shut. “I can’t die like this. I-I can’t. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. W-we were supposed to get married, and we were going to lead the council, and have children, and raise them to end the war, and then… Baekhyun, do you really want to give that up?”

“You think I want to give that up?” Baekhyun snapped, leaning away from you. “What, you think I want to watch you die a slow and painful death, and not do a thing about it? I—” 

He caught himself when he saw the tears streaming down your face, and your injured arm shaking. You couldn’t explain the despair, the anger that washed over you, but you could see the injured skin warping and growing beneath the bandages. You felt the bandages tighten against your skin as it grew, and you grasped your injured forearm with your other hand to hold it back, because all you felt was the urge to hurt, and you wouldn’t live with yourself if you ended up hurting Baekhyun, the man who made you laugh and feel emotions you had never felt before, who had persisted to push himself up the class ladder because he wanted to be with you and help those around him. 

Not him, not your Baek.

He stepped back cautiously as you took deep breaths, trying to ignore the sudden black liquid oozing slowly out from underneath the bandages, staining them dark and dirty. You began to count, and counted for an eternity, only stopping at 136 before you felt the urge dissipate, burrowing back beneath the skin it had attempted to break free from.

“Are you alright?” Baekhyun’s tone was cautious, and you opened your eyes to find that he was eyeing your arm warily. You nodded. “Better. I just… need to remain calm.” 

He groaned and ran a hand over his face before pushing his hair back. “Shit, my love, I… I would march into that forest right now if I knew for sure that it would save you. But the truth of the matter is I don’t know, and neither do you, and chances are that it wouldn’t. No one has seen Emyr in a hundred years, and even if he showed himself to you, he would likely have you executed for treason.” 

When you didn’t respond, his hands fell to yours, bringing them to his chest. You spread out your fingers, feeling the fabric of his cream drawstring shirt and the firm muscle beneath it.

Your eyes fell on the pendant he’d always worn: a small opal on a gold chain, which had been his father’s. Noticing your gaze, he reached behind his neck, unclasping it and placing it around your neck.

 His eyes were desperate, voice breathless and slightly panicky. “Stay here, with me, Y/N. Where it’s warm, and y-you’re surrounded by people who love you, and we can be happy before you die. We can rush the wedding, I don’t care if it’s a big affair or not. If it means you spend the rest of your life with me, it would make me the happiest man in the world, and I promise I would make you feel loved until the end of your days.”

Your forehead fell against his, and his eyes fluttered shut. “I’m already on my knees, my love. Please don’t make me beg any further.”

“Baek…” You whispered, feeling his steady heartbeat beneath your fingertips. “Hold me, please.”

He nodded, quickly making his way onto the bed, ready to console you, not despite what just happened but in spite of it—he knew you were just as frightened as he was, because he knew you like the back of his hand. The argument was forgotten, and suddenly you were resting on Baekhyun’s chest, listening to him hum a lullaby to you. You let your tears stain his shirt, and he pressed kisses to your hair between beats, until the soft melody lulled you to sleep, dreaming of nothing, basking in the warmth of the arms of your betrothed.

When you awoke, you found that Baekhyun had blown out the candle on your nightstand, because your room was now dark. He was asleep beneath you,  snoring softly. He looked so relaxed now that he was resting. During most of the day, his face was pulled into a grim frown, as the council met to discuss serious strategies and the needs of the people of Ironbend.

He hadn't always been that way. Even now, occasionally bits and pieces of who he was when you had first fallen in love—the brightest, funniest boy you had ever met—shone through. He could still make you and your friends laugh until your stomachs ached, but now that you were all adults, and it was time to take the war from your parents' hands, all of you had grown more serious, and pushed aside the time to simply enjoy life and each other.

You were 11 when you met Baekhyun, himself 13. You met at the training academy in the town, meant to teach children the basics: how to read and do math, the history of Ironbend and the war, . He had been a year older, and wont to make everyone laugh. 

He helped you with your sword fighting skills, and in return, you helped him with his archery skills. A steady friendship bloomed, despite the fact that you were the head councilman's daughter, and Baekhyun was the child of a woman who ran away when he was a baby to be with her lover, and the town drunk. Baekhyun was crafty, however, and as he grew into a young man, he used his wits, natural charm and skill to climb the ranks. 

It also helped that he invented the first prototype for the shoulder guns.

He had always been good at making things, and his prototype for the shoulder guns, small cannons loaded with large iron bullets made from the metal extracted in the mines, were what began to give the town an upper hand against the ambushes the creatures of the forests made. And for him, it was what landed him in junior council, along with all of his other abilities.

You thought of Baekhyun, and the look in his eyes when the curse kicked in. The quake in his voice when he begged you to stay. How much it was hurting him to see you like this, to know you would die. Your hand drifted to the necklace he had placed around your neck, a silent promise.  

What, you think I want to watch you die a slow and painful death, and not do a thing about it?

Except there was a thing to do about it. 

The wounded warrior was a story your grandmother had told you as a child—everyone knew the story as a testament to Emyr’s cruelty. The wounded warrior had gone to the deer god as he began to die from an infected wound, and begged him for a cure, so he could live to see his children and his wife. And while Emyr took pity on him, he asked him for something in return: fifteen years of loyalty, of servitude. 

True to his word, the warrior did as he asked—he tended to the god’s every whim and desire, for fifteen long, grueling years. Fifteen years that, for an immortal, passed by in the blink of an eye, but for a human, were, well… fifteen years. When the warrior finally returned home, he found his wife had died believing he had died after disappearing for so long, and his children, now grown, were resentful of having grown up without a father. The warrior lived a full life, to a ripe old age, but it was a lonely one, for he had no wife or children to take care of him or keep him company.

And finally, you thought of the rider, of the odd red and gold mask that haunted both your dreams and Baekhyun’s. There were no towns around for miles, not unless you passed through the mountains, in the opposite direction of the Spearwood, and no child in Ironbend had gone missing and remained unfound for over eighty years. The man looked too young and had moved with too much energy to be 90 years old. 

Your puffy eyes fluttered shut, listening to Baekhyun’s steady heartbeat.

...And not do a thing about it?

Except there was something to do about it. And while your chances were slim, there was always a chance. 

Slowly, you lifted yourself off of Baekhyun’s chest and sat next to him on the bed, admiring his features as he slept. The bridge of his round nose, the moles on his face, the apples of his cheeks. 

Oh, how you would miss him.

Baekhyun was a pretty heavy sleeper, but you still took great care to dress quietly, pulling on a warm shirt, thick pants and a cloak, along with a pair of winter gloves. You grimaced pulling them on, as you used your injured hand, the skin swollen and irritated, pain prickling every time you flexed your fingers or your wrist. Your heart never ceased pounding.

Next, you grabbed a satchel and went to the kitchen, packing a loaf of bread, some jam, a few strips of dried meats, and some fruit. You could find water in the streams, you figured. 

Quietly, you set your bow and quiver next to the satchel on the floor, and hurried to find some ink and a scroll of paper. As you looked, a glint of silver out of the corner of your eye caught your attention. 

It was one of Baekhyun’s many swords, still partially sheathed, propped up against the wall. Smaller, a bit more lightweight. He didn’t use it much precisely because of that—he preferred something heavier, that could bring down more force. You thought of the rider and his knife, and how you would most likely end up injured if he came close to you; a bow and arrow is only so good up close. You swallowed a lump in your throat, quietly picking it up. Glancing at the bedroom doorway, where you could still see Baekhyun asleep on the bed, dark hair tousled, you took a deep breath, before tying the sheath’s leather band around your waist, securing it tightly. 

Blinking back tears, hands shaking, you wrote down a brief letter.

Baekhyun, my love, 

Please forgive me for what I'm about to do. I can't sit here and die when I know there's at least a chance. Life will find a way. Love will find a way. I will find a way. I will do everything possible to find my way back to you, safe and sound. Don't look for me. It's dangerous enough as it is in The Spearwood, and now with the chance that I might hurt you as well… If these truly are my final days, I want you to remember as I am, and not as what the curse will turn me into.

You shine brighter than the stars, Baek. Please don't stop doing so, ever. That shine will lead me back to you even on the darkest of nights.

Forever yours,

Y/N

Tiptoeing, you set down the weathered paper on your side of the bed, before looking at Baekhyun one last time. Carefully, you leaned over him, and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“No matter what happens, we’ll see each other again,” You whispered against his skin, “And after you're done yelling at me, I’ll kiss you the way you deserve.”

Escaping was an easy feat when you knew the standard night patrol route—even easier when you were the one who wrote them. Carrying all of your things, you made your way to the stables, the moon your only source of light. 

There was no one in the stables, which made saddling up Ivan, your reindeer, easier. In the silence as you worked hastily, you began to doubt your actions. Go back, a voice whispered somewhere in the back of your mind, stay with your family, stay with Baekhyun. Hold him tight and don't let go until you die. Kiss him like it will free you from the curse, even though it won't. Be happy. Make them happy.

Your eyes drifted down to the bandage, which you had changed right before leaving, feeling the slight throb of your skin. You were reminded of the things that hung in the balance—or rather, imbalance. The unfairness of it all. Yes, life was unfair, but here you had a chance to take at least something back.

And so you didn’t go back. You continued to saddle up the reindeer, slinging the bag over its side, and finally, you left the stable, and quietly made your way towards one of the side gates. You knew the main gate was the one most heavily guarded, and that the side gates were generally more lax. Given the position of the moon in the sky, which was slowly being covered by clouds, you could also tell that the guards’ shift would be ending, and there would be a brief period where the gate was left unattended.

With baited breath, you waited, holding the large creature’s harness in your uninjured hand, watching from behind a corner as the guards stood at their posts. For about ten minutes, your heart pounding in your chest the entire time, you watched the parapets, and then turned to look at the alleyway you were hiding in. You did your best to hold your breath when you peeked around the corner, knowing that the condensation could give you away if they happened to look your way.

Finally, the two guards walked away, mumbling to each other as they did, and you took this as your cue. You led your reindeer to the gate, and pulled off the thick iron plank that locked the gate, careful to not make a noise. 

When it was open, you hopped onto the reindeer, nudged him slightly, and he slowly walked into the treeline. You looked down at the snow, and hoped that the dark would hide the trail until it started to snow. 

You rode on Ivan’s back for hours, until the darkness started to slowly fade. Somewhere during that time, it had started to snow. Now, the forest floor was covered with a fresh sheet of snow, that looked a shade of light blue rather than white, now during the twilight. During that span of time, as you rode on deeper and deeper into the forest, you realized the sheer magnitude of it. The stories the village elders had told you and the other children to keep away from the woods, and stay inside of the walls: that the servants of the gods were large creatures with sharp white teeth and long nasty claws, that the Spearwood was alive, and knew that humans had abandoned it, so it tricked travelers into going in circles—no matter how close the treeline seemed to be, you could walk for hours and never cross it because of the Spearwood’s magic, playing tricks on your eyes until you succumbed to the cold, or dehydration, or hunger.

Paranoia was trickling its way into your head, albeit slowly. As you stopped to let Ivan rest, you pulled out a piece of cured meat, chewing it until your jaw was sore as Ivan dug his hooves into the snow, only stopping when he found a patch of grass to chew on. You looked up at the sky, and then in all four directions. You knew that the mountains opposite the Spearwood were towards the north, and by going north you would eventually leave the forest and find Ironbend, but currently, with the snowfall and the clouds, you had no idea which way that was.

But you didn’t plan on returning until you knew for sure the gods would listen to you. 

Apparently, the gods weren’t very keen on listening.

Onward you went for days, panic slowly kicking in as you realized that you had no way of actually knowing in which direction you were headed. You seemed to be riding Ivan in circles, and the silence of the forest, save for the sound of Ivan’s hooves against the snow, was beginning to drive you to madness. Every few hours you switched between walking on him and riding, taking quick breaks every time you decided to switch. The isolation was quickly becoming too much to handle. 

You thought of your friends, of your family, of Baekhyun, of everything said that night before you left. You didn’t want to imagine what was happening back home, but you couldn’t help it, what with walking around all day and not having anything to do. 

You knew that your parents must have been heartbroken, and that your friends would likely be losing their minds. But you knew that you were doing what felt right.

You had packed enough small snacks to last you about three weeks if you rationed correctly, but you felt as though you were constantly running on empty, never fully satisfied. You drank water every time you came past streams or snowmelts, because you didn’t know when you would find one again, cupping your hands together and drinking until you were practically full, fingers pained from the freezing water and your throat sore. 

The falling snow would stop periodically, and then start up again. Not very heavy, but not precisely light either. Your face became perpetually cold, your fingers cramped harshly to the point when you would wince in pain when you needed to change your bandages.

The falling snow would stop periodically, and then start up again. Not very heavy, but not precisely light either. Your face became perpetually cold, your fingers cramped harshly to the point when you would wince in pain when you needed to change your bandages.

The wound was getting worse. The curse was beginning to spread. Initially, while it had started at the bite mark in the middle of your forearm, it was now making its way to your elbow and wrist. The tissue seemed to be turning necrotic as well, secreting a sort of mucous substance that was black. The smell was bearable when you had the bandage on, but every time you took them off to change them your eyes watered and you had to hold back the urge to gag. 

When night fell, you slept on Ivan, who was pretty comfortable in the cold, laying down in it and laying against the trees. You had never realized just how dark the world could be without lanterns to light your way, and your small oil lantern barely illuminated anything. It did well warming your hands though, which would cramp when they felt the heat.

Worst of all, the deeper you went into the forest, the more it felt like you were being watched. Which was odd, because you saw no animals. None at all, which only served to put you on edge more. 

The first two days it seemed fine, but after that, it changed. Now that you knew that you were well and truly on your own, the crisp winter air felt tense. Even Ivan became a bit skittish, and you felt bad for bringing your innocent reindeer into such a stressful situation. You were on edge all hours of the day now, eyes darting from side to side always, ears straining as you listened for something, anything. It was as if the whole forest was holding its breath, waiting to release its wrath on you. 

Three more days passed before it finally did.

They came when you came across a lake in the middle of the afternoon, seemingly unfrozen. You got off of Ivan, an odd sensation pooling in your gut as you approached the crystal clear body of water. Oddly enough, you felt at peace, and for the first time in days, the striking silence was comforting. Now, instead of feeling like the forest was holding its breath anxiously, almost angrily, it felt as if it was holding its breath in anticipation.

The water was clear as day and seemed to span for miles. Trees grew out of the depths, and in the center, a small island emerged out of it. When you focused on the island, you felt your eyes widen—there was no snow on it at all. Quite the contrary, actually. It was a lush, beautiful green, with a blossoming tree smack in the middle of it. For such a small island, you were certain it was the brightest green you’d ever seen.

Your dry throat almost burned in anticipation as you kneeled. At this point, it had been about a day since you had last come across water, and your head was starting to ache. When you dipped your fingers in, you gasped. The water wasn’t freezing like it had been in the other streams you came across, nor was it cold. It was tepid, bordering on lukewarm. It felt kind, it felt welcoming, and while the setting lured you into a sense of security, you couldn’t help but feel as if this was wrong, because it was a lake, in a dangerous forest. It couldn’t welcome you, not at all.

That snapped you out of your trance, and you turned just in time to face the rider as he tackled you to the ground, pinning you down against the snow, the sudden cold causing your back to arch. You were vaguely aware of Ivan being startled, and the sound of growling somewhere off to your left, but you were more preoccupied by the red mask hovering above you, and the dagger about to come down on your face. You grabbed the man by his wrists, arms straining with effort as your injured arm flared in pain, wrenching a guttural cry from your lips.  

You pulled him forward, causing him to lose his balance and topple next to you. You took your chance, straddling his chest and knocking the dagger out of his hand with a kick. You pinned his arms down, before pulling off the mask swiftly, sneering at him.

But you stopped when you saw his face.

Somehow, you found yourself entranced; for his features were contorted into rage and pain but you had never seen such a beautiful person. His eyes were large and round, a deep dark brown. His plump lips were curled into a harsh sneer. He had painted three long triangles across his face with what appeared to be dried blood: one below each of his eyes, the third one in the middle of his forehead, ending beneath his eyebrows. 

His large ears, hidden beneath black, shaggy hair, gave him an elfish look. He was wearing large, white, circular earrings.. Beneath you, you could tell he was pure muscle, large and beefy to the point where it left you reeling because, oh, gods, how can one man be so big?

He took the chance and flipped you over, a groan leaving your throat when your head hit the ground hard, but saw an opening quickly and lifted your leg to knee him in the groin. He toppled over, groaning in pain, and for one final time, you found the roles reversed. On top of him, you unsheathed Baekhyun’s sword, ready to subdue the rider. You pressed the blade to his neck, poising yourself to speak—

When one of the wolves grabbed you by the collar of your cloak, dragging you away from him. The wolf stilled even though you continued to struggle against it. You could feel your injured arm bleeding beneath the bandages, and the subtle tremors riding throughout it as you watched the rider stumble to his knees, picking up the sword, and crawling towards you.

He did the same you had done and pressed the blade to your neck, breath heaving from his chest, air puffing into the cold. If he had been angry before, now he was furious, and while a small side of you felt the urge to cower back in fear, you could feel one side of your body heating up slowly, a sensation you hadn’t felt in over a week slowly making its way back into your system.

“Why are you here?” His deep, menacing tone didn’t sound like much of a question, but rather an accusation. 

“Take me to Emyr,” You demanded immediately. “I need to speak with him.”

He blinked. For a second, he seemed taken aback, almost offended. But then his features hardened again, and he pressed the iron even further into your neck. It didn’t break the skin but you felt a sting against your windpipe, grimacing at the sensation. Your fingers curled into fists, your entire body trembling now as you felt something moving underneath the bandages, beneath your very flesh.

“Don’t tell me what to do, human,” He spat, “This is not your forest.”

The wolf behind you growled, and you felt it one last time: the urge to hurt, the urge to kill, a feeling of absolute hatred. This time, as opposed to the first time, you didn’t hold it in, and you didn’t count. When the black goo oozed from your skin, turning the air rancid, you didn’t gag, but rather embraced it. 

And a split second later, just as the man had lowered his gaze to where the smell was coming from, his eyes widening at the bandages stained black, it was too late. 

This being only the second time you had felt it, and this being the first time you didn’t restrain it, you weren’t fully sure what you were expecting. But you most certainly weren’t expecting your arm to bend into a shape it wasn’t supposed to bend into, in a direction it wasn’t supposed to go. And you definitely weren’t expecting black, slimy tendrils to break your skin, pushing the man away with so much force that his back pushed itself into a tree. He yelled out in pain, clutching at his right shoulder. 

The violent coils did the same to the wolf, pushing it off to the side. And while momentarily, you rejoiced in the lack of restraint, it was taken over almost immediately by panic, because you just didn’t know how to make it stop. What frightened you even more was that a part of you didn’t want it to stop. As the tendrils flailed angrily, attempting to reach the man and the wolves as well, you felt the need to let it consume you, and then let it consume the man, and the wolves, and eventually, the entire forest. You wanted them dead, gone, burned to the ground, because none of this would have happened had it been for this disgusting fucking forest.

But you knew that wasn’t the way.

Fury coursed through your veins, and your eyesight blurred, quite literally blinded by anger. Clinging to your logic, you pushed yourself onto your front, pressing all of your weight onto the monstrosity that had once been your arm. The adrenaline had stopped you from feeling it before, but now, as you pressed your mangled arm into the ground, you could feel how broken it was, how the skin ached where the coils had broken through. You cried out in pain, in anger, in sheer terror, praying for it to stop. But it simply wouldn’t, and you wondered if you had come all this way to die because you had pushed the curse too much. 

Your mind went to Baekhyun as you screamed, of the way his eyes sparkled when the sunlight filtered in through the window in the mornings, when you woke up next to him. You started to believe you would never see them again. How you had broken his trust for an irrational decision you had made because of your stubbornness and pride, and how now you would never see the man you loved again, all because you believed you were right when you were so very, very wrong. 

But somehow, the thought of him grounded you, and you felt the curse weaken. Still, it was something, and you squeezed your eyes shut, sobbing as you conjured up mental images of Baekhyun making you laugh, and recalled the sensation of his lips softly kissing yours. You remembered the time he had first held your hand, at fourteen, right after an intense sparring session, and how at fifteen, you had been the one to kiss him, even though he was the one who asked you, because he was too nervous and unsure of what to do. 

The black appendages finally retreated back beneath your skin when you remembered how he had held you that last night before you fell asleep, and only when your free hand found its way to the pendant around your neck did your bones snap forcefully back into place. You were left hyperventilating, struggling to catch your breath as you buried your face into the snow, attempting to hide your weakness from your enemies. You heard footsteps crunching in the snow, coming closer and closer, but they froze when another rush of footsteps came from another direction. 

Even though you weren’t looking, you knew it was a large party. There was simply too much thumping for it to be one person… or whatever they were. All sound stopped, save for your panting, before you heard scrambling, and you lifted your gaze in time to watch the man drop to one knee, bowing his head in submission. 

“My king,” He murmured, and you turned your head ever so slightly to the direction in which he was leaning. Your heart was pounding in your chest, blood roaring in your ears, and your teary eyes widened as you saw what you saw.

The giant deer walked poised mere feet away from you commanded a presence over all of the other animals that had just arrived with him. You saw other deer, more reindeer, foxes, wolves, bears. In the trees all kinds of birds were perched, an eagle resting on a branch almost directly above the large creature. 

Its antlers were large, larger than you had ever seen, branching out in all directions, almost forming a sort of crown. When it took a step forward, you watched in awe as flowers and grass began to bloom where he stepped, peeking out from beneath the snow. 

Emyr, you realized with a chill, the deer god. King of the gods, ruler of the forest.

So, the god rumbled, without truly speaking, voice echoing through your mind, what is the meaning of all of this? 

Come to find out, Emyr wasn’t the only spirit you were in the presence of. Your weapons were confiscated. As the wolf dragged your body—weak from what just happened—through the snow, you realized that the four Pillars of the Forest were all around you. Emyr was leading the animals ahead of you, but the man walked next to the wolf as it dragged you, and next to him, walked the other wolves. The biggest one eyed you with burning distrust, and wisdom beyond your years, and when you locked eyes with her, something within you knew that this was Selyne, warden of the forest and goddess of the hunt. She growled softly, and the man’s eyes snapped to her, ready to listen to what she had to say. 

Disgusting, she growled, the nerve you have, little girl, to march all the way into this forest and injure my sons even more than you already have. I should rip your throat out right now—

Selyne. A giant brown bear lumbered up next to her, speaking gently but cautiously, she came here for a reason. The least we could do is listen before you do so, sister.

Your eyes widened, realizing this was Mirren, the bear goddess of family, matron of the forest. The wolf goddess let out something akin to a scoff, and before they could continue their discussion, Emyr stopped at a clearing not far off from the lake, where it seemed winter hadn’t touched down, grass green beneath you. The sun shone through a hole in the clouds, warming up the atmosphere, and your body shivered as you felt its heat pour over your body. In the center of the clearing, a large rock had three ledges, and a hole in the very bottom.

The Pillars of the Forest settled into the great stone. Mirren walked into the hole, Selyne hopped onto the lowest ledge, Emyr onto the middle ledge. Moments later, the eagle you had seen resting above Emyr’s head earlier flew onto the highest ledge, and you realized that this was Beval, the eagle god.

The animals around you chittered anxiously. The wolf set you down onto your knees, but did not step back. The rider stepped forward, however. He had picked up his dagger after you had been dragged away by the brown wolf, and now he held it forward to your neck once more. A silent threat.

Silence, Emyr said, and the animals obeyed. You could hear a pin drop. 

State your name, child, the bear ordered, and you cleared your throat. 

“Y/N,” You answered, voice raspy and gruff after not having spoken, “Y/N L/N.”

State your purpose in this forest. Selyne’s anger was barely contained, you could tell, but you refused to back down. Taking a deep breath, you steeled yourself, and flexed your free arm.

“I was cursed, great goddess,” You stated, “Cursed by one of your sons. I came to plead forgiveness, and ask to be healed.”

Forgiveness? Beval huffed, Healed? After everything your people have done to this forest? Burning your fires, taking our resources, and repeatedly trying to destroy our homes?

You looked down, before meeting the eagle’s strict gaze again. “I understand, my lord, that your kind and mine have been at war for hundreds of years. But I don’t wish to bring any of you harm, not right now into—”

Not now that you need us, Emyr deduced, and you bit your lip. 

“I don’t intend to use you for your powers, great king. I offer my service in return.”

If you don’t wish to harm us, why attack my son? Your eyes turned to the wolf goddess, trying to think of how to answer without angering her further. How do we know you’re even telling the truth?

“I was surprised,” You said after a few seconds of mulling over your answer, “His ambush caused me to panic, and defend myself. I understand why he’d do so if he didn’t know my intentions.”

“Even knowing your intentions, I’d have done it,” The man grumbled, “You’re a fool.”

You glared at him, but didn’t retaliate. You didn’t need to make yourself look worse.

What is this curse you speak of, Y/N? Mirren asked, And what do you mean it was one of Selyne’s sons who cursed you?

You told the story, choosing your words cautiously. Describing the attack, you watched as Selyne’s ears picked up, and she sat up straight, lifting her head. You described the tendrils, the black substance that secreted from your arm, the anger and hatred you felt when it controlled you. And you described remembering the story of the wounded warrior, how the curiosity drove you to leave home and wander for days until you came here.

Ah, the warrior, Emyr murmured warmly, Doyoung. What a fine young man. Of course, the circumstances were different then. His kind—your kind—was still a part of this kingdom, and he came to me looking to cheat death when he was wounded while he defended the Spearwood. 

“I understand, great king,” You answered, “But my plea still stands. Free me from this curse, and I will work as the warrior did.”

Resilient, determined. Mirren sounded amused. She’s not going to give up, brother. 

And what after you finish your years of service? Obviously, Selyne couldn’t be swayed, You return to your little Irontown, and continue to plot our downfall?

“Ironbend, and no, great goddess. You see, I am the leader’s only daughter. Next in line to inherit his place.”

You had your trump card, you realized, as the four gods took notice, all four of them exchanging glances, leaning forward. You could work around the original terms.

"My kind are tired of this war," You explained, growing more and more confident, "As I expect your kind are as well. It's all I've known, all my father's known, and all his father has known. If I can offer my people a stop to this war, I am willing to negotiate a truce of some sort.”

A truce… Beval mused, What are your conditions?

“I can’t stay as long as the warrior did. They’ll move on from me and pass my claim to the next person in line. Let me go back as soon as I am healed, and when I take my father’s place, I shall return, and we can negotiate a truce.”

Let you go, as soon as you are healed… The deer god repeated. I see what you are trying to do, girl. Don’t think you can fool a god. 

“No, great king, I don’t intend to—”

I am thousands of years old. You think you can fool me? My terms for healing are simple, service and loyalty to my kingdom. You are neither loyal to my kingdom, nor are you willing to serve me. 

You forced yourself to take deep breaths, attempting to remain calm. This had come so close to the way you had wanted it to.

You are too proud and too stubborn. You think that your status will help you now. No. I will heal not heal you… but you will remain in this forest. Learn a thing or two, and maybe then we can negotiate this again. 

"Stay in the forest? I… For how long? My healer told me I only had a month and a half to live. I—"

For as long as is needed. You do this on my terms, or not at all. If you wish to go, then do so at any moment. The war will continue and you will still be cursed. If you wish to be healed, you will stay until you earn your freedom from this curse. 

You swallowed a growing lump in your throat, meeting the god's eyes. "Very well, great king. I accept your terms."

Very well... But you will not serve me. You will serve Selyne and her sons. 

Your eyes widened, darting nervous to the white wolf. She looked displeased with the situation, but said nothing. 

He's doing this on purpose, you thought, he knows Selyne wants me dead so he's making it harder for me. 

Selyne spoke again. Serve me? Well, then. My sons will work with you. Her eyes looked at the wolf behind you and at the rider. As punishment.

The wolf behind you huffed, and the rider tensed. "Mother, I—"

Quiet, both of you. My orders were simple.  You were forbidden from leaving the inner circle of the forest without me, and forbidden from instigating the humans. You did both. You could have been killed, or injured as your brother is now. You deliberately disobeyed me and now because of your foolish actions, we have a human who has seen the inner circle, and knows where the most important part of the forest is. 

As insolent as she is, she has come for a purpose. She is to fulfill that purpose, and you will help her do so. Am I understood?

"Mother, she's—"

Chanyeol, the she-wolf growled, don't test me. 

Chanyeol. So that was his name. 

The princes of the forest, working with a human, Mirren said, this should be interesting.

You could tell that Chanyeol was not pleased with the situation. The other wolves of his pack as well. After the meeting was adjourned, and the other animals dispersed, Chanyeol pushed you to your knees, and he growled at you, "Follow me." 

You obeyed wordlessly, taking note of his temperament. You walked aimlessly, for about twenty minutes. Surprisingly, Ivan, ever faithful, walked behind you, but you could sense some apprehension from him. Your eyes looked at Chanyeol's back, covered by the pelt of a white wolf, serving the same purpose as your cloak. 

Your cloak, which had been dragged through the snow, and was now wet. You did your best to hide your shivering. You could deal with that later.

To distract yourself, you let your eyes stray to the wolves. There were three of them, all smaller than Selyne but bigger than the average wolf. One, the brown wolf who had dragged you along. The second one, black, the third one a classic timber gray. 

You realized that the white wolf who had bitten you wasn't there. 

"Where's the white one?" You asked, voice quiet and curious. Chanyeol and the three wolves stopped walking, and turned to look at you. 

"Resting," Chanyeol answered. You nodded, not answering, and they continued on, trailing behind them. You walked a little longer until you stumbled across a cave. Their den, you realized. You stopped, and so did Ivan behind you. You watched as Chanyeol and the other three wolves made their way into the den, but you couldn’t find the courage to enter. You almost felt as if you were trespassing. 

You turned to your reindeer, skittish and eyeing the den, and walked towards him, caressing the side of his head. “You’ll be okay, big guy,” You murmured, “I’m not letting anything happen to you.”

Your stomach rumbled, and you sighed softly, pulling out your loaf of bread and the little remaining jam there was.

It was a miracle you’d managed to make the bread last this long, you mused to yourself as you spread the jam onto it. 

“What is that?” 

You jumped, letting out a soft squeak. You turned to Chanyeol, who had creeped up on you while his brothers remained in the den. His face remained stoic and bordering on annoyed. “Stop fucking doing that,” You snapped, “It’s bread and jam.”

He tilted his head, and you blinked. “Do… I’m guessing that isn’t a thing here?”

Chanyeol shook his head, his earrings swinging as he did so. You pursed your lips, before breaking the slice in half. Slowly, you offered him one. Eyeing it with curiosity, and slight disdain, he grabbed his half. Then his dark gaze met yours. “You first.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “What?”

“This. You eat it first.” 

Raising your eyebrows, you wondered if he thought it was poisoned. As if you would be stupid enough to poison the son of the goddess who hated you most, in front of all of his brothers. “Fine,” You huffed, and took a bite, eyes widening and shaking your head at him challengingly. He narrowed his eyes at you, studying your appearance. 

His eyes stopped for a moment when they landed on Baekhyun’s necklace. But a second later, he looked back up at you, and took a bite once he saw you swallow, before making his way back to the den. Shivering, you finished your jam before taking over your wet cloak. It was even heavier now that it was wet. 

Here, in what the gods called the inner circle of The Spearwood, it wasn’t as cold, so you hung your cloak over a low hanging branch and hoped it would dry soon. Now, you were unsure what to do. Chanyeol had gone to lay down with the wolves, presumably, and you stood awkwardly as you were left unsure what to do. You were tired after everything that had happened in the past hour or so—the attack, your meeting with the gods, now this—but you weren’t sure where you would sleep for now. You weren’t sure if you were welcomed in the den.

So you made your way over to a rock opposite the den, sitting on it and resting your head against a tree stump growing right next to it. You thought over everything that had happened, but mainly, how you had handled the curse. Your hand gripped the opal with your free hand, staring off into the trees. 

The curse is fueled by hatred, you surmised, love is what will ground you. 

You wondered what Baekhyun was doing right now, as you watched the forest grow darker slowly. For a horrifying thought, you wondered what could have happened to him that night if you hadn’t managed to control yourself. You quickly pushed it away, not willing to get caught up on what could have happened, but didn’t Your eyes grew heavier and heavier as you thought of home, and beneath your eyelids, the images danced so vividly…

“Wake up.” The voice was gruff, calloused hands shaking you haphazardly. You furrowed your eyebrows, humming softly as your eyes adjusted to the darkness. It had grown colder, and you found that you actually had managed to fall asleep. The sky had finally cleared up, the moon high up in the sky. 

“What’s going on?” You asked, rubbing your eyes, trying to ignore the pain in your lower back. You looked up at Chanyeol, who had pulled his mask back onto his face.

“We’re patrolling the border between the inner circle and the outer one. You’re coming with us.” His voice was muffled from behind the mask.

“Oh,” You answered, “Okay.”

You stood, arching your back to stretch out the kinks. The other wolves were standing behind Chanyeol, and he pointed at each one.

“Junmyeon,” He said at the brown wolf.

“Kyungsoo.” The black wolf.

“Jongin.” The gray wolf. 

You nodded at all of them awkwardly, unsure how to address them. They eyed you with disdain, Kyungsoo pulling off the first ever eye roll you’d seen on a wolf. Junmyeon huffed at him, and Chanyeol shook his head. “Whatever,” He grumbled, “Let’s go.”

The night was rough. Ivan was asleep, so all you had were your feet to trudge through the snow. For hours, you walked through trees and over rocks. 

You were trailing through the snow with Chanyeol, having pulled on your cloak again. He was riding Junmyeon, who was walking slower than the others. The brown wolf seemed to be the most gentle of the three—four? You had yet to see the fourth—wolves, watching you with more indifference than dislike. 

Kyungsoo and Jongin trailed ahead, seemingly content ignoring you.

“You do this every night?” You asked Chanyeol. He nodded. “Our mother is the warden of the Spearwood. It’s only natural that we take after her.”

You nodded in understanding. “Will I be coming with you every—��

“Yes. Stop talking.” His head turned to face forward again, back on alert.

The night was incredibly awkward and tense. You were unsure if the tension was due to the alertness of the wolves on patrol or because of you. 

A few minutes later, you spoke again. “Will I meet your other brother?”

Everyone stopped, slowly turning to face you. The three wolves’ eyes were narrowed at you, and you immediately knew that you had said the wrong thing. Kyungsoo took a step forward with a growl, but Junmyeon growled back at him, and he backed off. 

“He’s injured.” Chanyeol’s voice was clipped. “He was injured by people like you with those—those things.”

“Why can’t Emyr heal him?” You asked, tilting your head. “If he’s powerful enough to heal me, then why can’t he heal—”

“Because we don’t understand his injury,” Chanyeol snapped, getting off of Junmyeon. He began to approach you. “We understand the curse, but not the injury. If we can’t heal the injury, we can’t stop the curse. We understand your injury and your curse. It’s different. You wouldn’t understand. Now—”

“But I want to understand—”

“You could never understand,” Chanyeol snarled, making his way into your personal space, “Your kind never do, the vermin that you are.”

You glared up at the unwavering red mask, even harsher in the moonlight, inches away from your face. “Now stop talking,” Chanyeol demanded, poking you square in your upper chest, “And don’t talk about my brothers as if you deserve to.”

He made his way back up onto Junmyeon, and the foursome continued, not even watching to see if you walked to keep up.

Junmyeon stopped walking at your speed for the rest of the long, cold night.

When you made your way back to the den, the sun was beginning to rise. As Chanyeol got off of Junmyeon, and shooed his brother away, you approached him.

“Why can’t I hear your conversations?” 

You’d realized they were having a conversation pretty early on after your little spat, but didn’t comment on it, mainly because Chanyeol decided to whisper to his brothers so as to leave you out. You found it petty. But now, your curiosity got the best of you.

Chanyeol pulled back the hood of his pelt and took off his mask, scowling at you.“Why does it matter?” 

“Because I might never understand, but I can try.”

Chanyeol scoffed at you, pushing past you. You’d had enough. Your feet were aching, your fingers and the tip of your nose were numb, your lips were close to breaking because of how chapped you were, and you were hungry and dehydrated. 

So yes, you gripped his shoulder roughly, and pulled him back. You weren’t expecting him to let out a pained cry, and you didn’t expect to feel something hard beneath the cloak. 

Immediately, the three wolves stood from where they had gone to lay down, snarling angrily, but he waved them away. They stopped snarling, but didn’t sit.  

“What is—”

“Don’t touch me,” He said, swatting your hand away. 

“Let me help you,” You countered earnestly. “Please.”

“Why should I?”

You made a face. “Because I might be able to figure out what’s hurting you?”

Chanyeol rolled his eyes. “I already know what’s hurting me.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Then why haven’t you been able to stop it? It’s a shoulder injury, it’s not that h—”

You stopped midway, when your eyes drifted to his injured shoulder, hidden beneath his clothes, his right shoulder.

The very one you had shot the day you got bitten.

“I did that,” You mumbled, gears turning in your head “...And you can’t have one of Emyr’s healers treat you because… up until yesterday, no one knew you had left the inner circle of the forest.”

A smug grin spread across your face. “Scared of mommy finding out, huh?”

Oh, if looks could kill. 

 You shook your head, your smile leaving your face. “Really. Let me help, Chanyeol. Let me right a wrong of my own doing.”

Chanyeol’s eyes looked you up and down, eyeing you suspiciously. Finally, he grunted out softly, before nodding his head in your direction once. “What are you gonna do?”

You had him lead you to the nearest body of water, a small stream about ten minutes from the den. You sat him down on the banks of the stream, where there was no snow. You set down what you had brought: his knife, plus your bandages and a small jar of ointment Yixing had given you for your cut. 

It wasn’t working on you, but you had a feeling it was more due to the fact that you were cursed by ancient dark magic. 

“Take off your clothes.” You pulled off your cloak and rolled up your sleeves. He made a perplexed face. “What are you—”

“Keep your pants on,” You added hastily, “I need to see the injury.” 

After a few seconds of hesitation, he pulled off the pelt, and set it down gently next to where he was sitting. His tattered black shirt was also removed, and set down on top of it, but he left his necklace of animal teeth on. Kneeling behind him, your eyes settled on the tan skin of his back, before spotting the wound. 

He must have broken the wooden shaft of the arrow as he tried to remove it, because the edge was splintered and the arrowhead was lodged in his skin. The skin around the wound was an angry red, swollen. You could even see a bit of pus caking in the crevice of the cut.

You picked up the knife, mentally noting where you would cut around to pull the arrowhead out. Your other hand rested on his other. “This is gonna hurt,” You told him, voice soft, “I’m sorry.”

You pressed down around the wound gently at first, feeling him tense up beneath you. Then, when you pressed down with more force, he hissed in pain. Finally, when you plunged the knife into the wound, he groaned out.

His breathing turned heavy as you tried to work quickly, but not too hastily as to butcher your work. You used the knife as a sort of separation between the arrowhead and his skin, trying gently to pull it out. 

When you finally did, he let out a harsh, shaky breath, fists balled.

You led him to the stream, using your hands to wash out the wound. It wasn’t hot at all, and it probably wasn’t the cleanest, but it was the next best thing. Trying to remember how Yixing had done it that time you Jongdae accidentally shot Minseok with his bow, and you rinsed out the pus eventually. 

You slathered on the ointment a bit more generously than you probably should have, trying your best to not hurt him too much, before dressing the wound with some of your gauze. You ripped off a bit of fabric from your pant leg, before looping it below his arm and tying it taut, so the bandage wouldn’t slip free.

“Better?” You asked when you were finished. 

“I suppose,” He answered, moving his shoulder to test it out, “...Yes.”

You smiled, even though he wasn’t facing you. “You go back. I need to change my own bandages.”

“You know which way to go?” He asked, pulling on his shirt, and then his pelt. 

“Yes,” You answered, watching as he picked up his knife before he stalked off. 

He didn’t even thank you. You wondered vaguely if he knew how.

When you returned, now with fresh bandages, Chanyeol had curled up in the den with his brothers, and you went over to Ivan, who was chewing on some grass he’d found to put away your bandages and the ointment. Wordlessly, you flexed your fingers, watching how the skin had turned a black, necrotic color that would look unnatural on any skin tone. You wondered vaguely how much longer you had, before shaking your head. 

You fell asleep again on the hard, uncomfortable rock, sleeping for hours upon hours.

You woke again in the late afternoon, around the same time you had first been attacked by Chanyeol and his brothers. The wolves were awake, some milling around the den and the others sitting in a circle. You could smell blood, and you perked up, figuring it must have been a catch. 

Slowly, you made your way over to them. Jongin noticed you first, gaze hardening. His snout was stained red, and you looked down between his paws to see a piece of red meat. Chanyeol turned around when he realized Jongin was looking at you, looking you up and down before turning again. You pursed your lips at his face, the skin around his mouth stained with blood—he'd obviously been eating the meat raw like the others.

"Can I…?"

"You have your own food."

You sighed. "Not really. Not enough to satisfy myself for a whole day."

Chanyeol stared at you for a few moments, looking disinterested, before sighing. He pulled out his knife, before cutting off a sizable chunk of meat from the deer. He handed it to you, and you nodded. "Thanks," you mumbled, before walking off, sitting on your designated rock.

You needed to figure out how to cook this thing.

Thankfully, they hadn't taken your oil lantern, which you quickly uncapped and lit, before breaking a small branch off of the tree. You used the branch to pierce the meat, before letting it hover over the flame. 

The flame was a bit small, but you knew it would cook eventually. At least until the exterior was cooked. 

While you'd been working, you didn't realize that Junmyeon had made his way over to the circle, all of the wolves watching you. 

What is she doing? Jongin asked, perplexed. She looks insane.

"I don't know," Chanyeol answered, leaning over to the gray wolf, "Maybe it's a human thing."

She's gonna burn it, Kyungsoo huffed, before spitting out a bone. If she doesn't burn down the entire forest first.

Chanyeol rolled his eyes. Yes, you were foolish, but he doubted you were incompetent enough to burn down an entire forest.

No, he's got a point. Junmyeon's tone was serious. Yeol, go see what she's doing. It could be dangerous. 

Chanyeol set down his chunk of deer, wiping his hands off and making his way to you. Your eyes met his once he was standing in front of you. “Can I help y—”

“What are you doing?” 

“I’m cooking my meat.” You sounded matter-of-fact. “I don’t want to get sick by eating it raw.”

Chanyeol tilted his head, frowning. “We’ve never gotten sick like that.”

“You’re used to raw meat, and they’re wolves. I am neither. So I have to.”

He pointed at the lantern, eyeing it warily. “What’s that?”

You stared at him for a second, before realizing just how isolated he had been from the human world. He didn’t know what bread or jam was, nor did he know about lanterns. He called guns those things, and he eyed you like you were other, as if you didn’t have the same shape of limbs, the same joints, ligaments and bones. 

“I-it’s a lantern,” You explained, snapping out of your thoughts. You explained how it worked, how it was lit, and how you had to wait for it to cook the fire before you could eat it.

You didn’t notice how your bodies scooted closer every few seconds. 

Neither did Chanyeol.

[missfay49]

Who is Orange?

Disclaimer: Please enjoy?  Accept?  Beware?  This… Thing that started out as character analysis and turned into a deranged fanfic, because I experienced a literal revelation mid-way through free writing.  I did not clean this up much because I’m still reeling from the theory implications myself.  I cursed a lot.

~

What does Orange Side represent?

What do we know?

Orange is a “Dark Side”, defined as being one of the Sides hidden from C!Thomas.

The other Hidden Sides were Janus, Remus, and Virgil.

All the Hidden Sides were hidden due to a key aspect of their character that C!Thomas had to first acknowledge and then accept.  Virgil required C!Thomas to acknowledge that he had heightened anxiety and accept that anxiety isn’t inherently wrong, just a different form of information that can be processed.  Remus required C!Thomas to acknowledge that he had intrusive thoughts and accept that those thoughts don’t make him evil; they’re just thoughts.  Janus required C!Thomas to acknowledge that he was capable of lying and accept that acting “selfishly” sometimes isn’t just okay, but actually critically important to managing stress.

 What are the common themes here?  

Confronting the reality about ourselves instead of pretending some traits don’t exist.

Understanding ourselves to be more complex than ‘good’ and ‘evil’.

Addressing mental health.  

Orange Side is still hidden, but we can expect him to be something C!Thomas doesn’t want to (or isn’t ready to) acknowledge.  Something that would be difficult to accept about oneself.  All Hidden Sides fall under the jurisdiction of Janus, so let’s take another look at him.

In “Can Lying Be Good?” we get a lot of information about what Janus’ purpose is:

Roman: It you really don’t want to know something, he… can keep our mouths shut.

Logan: You don’t want to believe it.  That’s where his power comes from.  Things that you want to believe.  Things that you wish were true.  And things that you wish weren’t.

Deceit: What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

This all means that Orange Side is something that would cause C!Thomas distress to learn and something he subconsciously wishes weren’t true.  This is not new information to most of you: the spin-off interpretations of Apathy and Pride are widely popular fandom theories, traits that are typically viewed as negative in large doses.

But the Hidden Sides being seen as something negative isn’t their only defining characteristic.  They typically involve an aspect a mental health, involve societal expectations, and... what is it...

Janus is the umbrella over all the other Hidden Sides, sheltering and obscuring them from view. He is the gatekeeper in a very literal sense.  What is he gatekeeping?  

What is it?  What is it what is it, why?  What does he do?  What seems bad but isn’t?  What can he do?  What issue is actually useful?  What’s useful what’s useful WHATS USEFUL WHATS USEFUL?!  WHY DOES IT HAVE TO USEFUL?

shitshitSHITSHISTHISTSTs

I KEPT ASKING MYSELF, WHAT’S USEFUL?  WHAT TRAIT COULD IT BE THAT APPEARS BAD, BUT ISN’T BAD, IS ACTUALLY USEFUL.  ANIEXTY WAS OKAY BECAUSE HE WAS JUST LOOKING OUT FOR US.  LYING WAS OKAY BECAUSE HE JUST WANTED TO PUT C!THOMAS FIRST.  INTRUSIVE CREATIVITY WAS OKAY BECAUSE DARK IDEAS OPEN UP NEW PATHS.

But the whole GODDAMN POINT is ACCEPTANCE!  

You don’t HAVE to be useful to be accepted.  You – yuo just BE.  YOU BE!

PEOPLE don’t have to prove their Usefulness to you before you can treat them with respect.  Our WORTH does not depend on what we PRODUCE. YE GODS, THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE I JUST BROKE-

~~~

C!Thomas comes back from his self-care stay-cation.  He’s ready to start production, he is rested and refreshed.  BUT JUST LIKE EVERY PREVIOUS DILEMMA, it isn’t Good enough, Original enough, Fast enough.  He’s done everything right, why is it still wrong?  He’s accepted his anxiety, he’s accepted that things aren’t just black and white, he’s Accepted That It’s OKAY to have Dark Thoughts, he Has ACCEPTED SELF_CARE.  Why Isn’t IT ENOUGH?!

“Fuck it.”  

C!Thomas spins in his chair, looking at a man that looks just like him, but not quite.

“What?”

“Fuck it.  Fuck them.”

“You sound like Remus,” Thomas jokes.  He’s lying, of course.  He’s nervous. The Side looks like a normal guy, but something about him is unsettling.  The unidentified Side just presses his lips together, unimpressed.

“Um, ef w-who, exactly?” Thomas asks, but part of him already knows.

“All of them.  Every person who isn’t you.  Every person who expects something from you.”

“Now, you sound like Janus.” Thomas looks back at the computer screen, but the Side’s retort has him spinning around again.  

“Janus is a short-sighted pseudo-rebellious minion of a capitalistic society, just like the rest of them.”

“Uh, excuse me?!”

“Isn’t it obvious? They’re all obsessed with Success. Whether they want to play by the rules, or manipulate them, or break them, whether it’s making money or pumping out good deeds, they’re still just trying to make you be successful within the framework of a system that prioritizes production over a human life.”

Thomas just stares for a moment before he can find his voice.

“Who are you?”

“Dude, seriously?”  He waves his hands, palms up and presenting himself.  “I’m Achilleus.  I’m your motivation.”

~~~

Take a deep breath and follow me down the research black hole, where every topic I looked up was more and more terrifyingly appropriate: 

Freedom

noun

the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

Self-Determination

noun

the process by which a person controls their own life.

Autonomy

noun

(in Kantian moral philosophy) the capacity of an agent to act in accordance with objective morality rather than under the influence of desires.

Autonomic Nervous System (because i believe each Hidden Side is closer to the subconscious)

noun

the part of the nervous system responsible for control of the bodily functions not consciously directed, such as breathing, the heartbeat, and digestive processes.

Inherent Value

“inherent value in the case of animal ethics can be described as the value an animal possesses in its own right, as an end-in-itself” – Animal Rights – Inherent Value, by Saahil Papar

Intrinsic Value

“Intrinsic value has traditionally been thought to lie at the heart of ethics. Philosophers use a number of terms to refer to such value. The intrinsic value of something is said to be the value that that thing has “in itself,” or “for its own sake,” or “as such,” or “in its own right.”” – Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Value, by Michael J. Zimmerman and Ben Bradley

“Finally, his sense of respect for the intrinsic value of entities, including the non-sentient, is the Kantian notion of the inherent value of all Being.  This is based on the notion that a universe without moral evaluators (e.g. humans) would still be morally valuable, and there is no reason not to regard Being as inherently morally good.” – Technology and the Trajectory of Myth, by David Grant, Lyria Bennett Moses

Motivation

“Another way to conceptualize motivation is through Self-Determination Theory … which is concerned with intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.  Intrinsic motivation happens when someone does something for its inherent satisfaction.” – Second Language Acquisition Myths: Applying Second Language Research to Classroom Teaching, by Steven Brown, Jenifer Larson-Hall

Capitalism

“The flowery language of the United States Declaration of Independence would have you believe that human life has an inherent value, one that includes inalienable rights such as “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” But in America, a major indicator of value is actually placed on being a productive member of society, which typically means working a job that creates monetary revenue (especially if the end result is accumulated wealth and suffering was inherently involved in the process).” – The Diminished Value of Human Life in a Capitalistic Society, by Seren Sensei

Religion

“At the heart of the debate between Calvinism and Arminianism lay the insurmountable chasm between God’s sovereign election versus human self-determination.” – Sovereignty vs. Self-determination: Two Versions of Ephesians 1:3-14, by Reformed Theology

Mythology

“In Classical Greece, Achilles was widely admired as a paragon of male excellence and virtue. Later, during the height of the Roman Empire, his name became synonymous with uncontrollable rage and barbarism… He chooses kleos (glory) over life itself, and he owes his heroic identity to this kleos. He achieves the major goal of the hero: to have his identity put permanently on record through kleos…

“But is this really an accurate characterization of Achilles' pivotal decision? Is he really driven to sacrifice his life by an obsessive quest for honor and glory? One scene in the Iliad suggests the answer to both questions is no.

“When Achilles leaves the battlefield after his dispute with Agamemnon, the Trojans gain the upper hand on the Greeks. Desperate to convince their best warrior to return, Agamemnon sends an envoy of Achilles' closest friends to his tent to persuade him to reconsider his decision. During this scene, Achilles calmly informs his friends that he is no longer interested in giving up his life for the sake of heroic ideals. His exact words are below:

“The same honor waits for the coward and the brave. They both go down to Death, the fighter who shirks, the one who works to exhaustion (IX 386-388)…

“Not only does Achilles reject the envoy's offers of material reward, but he rejects the entire premise that glory is worth a man's life.” – making sense of a hero’s motivation, by Patrick Garvey

Achilles (/əˈkɪliːz/ ə-KIL-eez) or Achilleus (Ancient Greek: Ἀχιλλεύς, [a.kʰilˈleu̯s])

Achilles realizes his own inherent self-worth, thereby freeing himself from the expectations of others; societal or otherwise.  Only once we are free can we find the balance between our own needs and the needs of others in a way that breeds neither anger nor resentment in either.

~~~

But that’s... that’s just... a theory.   Huh.

[sorry-i-spaced]

Issues

Hawkeye is seen in the show as being a ladies man and quite the player. We know his mom died when he was just 10 and we know Caryle and Trapper both left without saying bye to Hawkeye. So I decided to play with the idea that he has abandonment and commitment issues because of this. I borrowed some of the dialogue from the episode “The More I see of You” in the beginning. 

“If you’d gone into medicine with the same lack of conviction as marriage”

“Your work is always going to be the single most important thing in your life”

“Maybe you would have needed me a little more”

“Doug was able to commit”

“Commit”

Lack of conviction”

“Work….important...lack of conviction”

“Commit”

“Hawk? Hawkeye? Earth to Hawkeye! Anybody up there?” waved a concerned BJ. 

“Huh? Oh,yeah, what?” shook Hawkeye as he came back to reality.

“Did you say something?” asked Hawkeye realizing he had zoned out big time. 

“Yea, I was asking if you wanted to get dinner. I heard Igor was sick of all the grief we gave him so he made an upside down dinner in retaliation.” 

Hawkeye sat there contemplating whether food was more important than wallowing in self pity for the way he let things get between Carlye and him.   

“Nah, I think I’m just going to nap. We are supposed to get a heavy influx of wounded by dawn and I want to catch up on sleep.” And with that BJ got up to leave and Hawkeye laid down in his army issued  mess of a cot and shut his eyes.

“Incoming wounded! All Medical and Surgical staff report for triage! Looks like it will a doozy” barked the PA system.

Opening his eyes Hawkeye threw his  pillow in the direction of  Beej. 

“Get up” he yelled. 

The red haired man rose (wait that’s not right Beej has blonde hair)

“Did you dye your hair and forget to tell me?” asked the raven haired man confused. 

“Not that I’m aware of” called back the other man as he was putting on his shoes. 

The two quickly ran out the door. 

In triage Hawk got right to work. 

“This one has a chest wound. Get some blood in him and get him prepped”

“This one can wait”

Hawkeye barked orders to the nurses. He got up and made a run for the O.R.

“Hawkeye! How goes it?” asked Klinger, who was running in the same direction as him.

Boom!

“Ahh!” yelped Klinger as he threw his head forcefully into the dirt. 

Hawkeye stopped dead in his tracks and looked at the man. Cocking his head to the side he says, “ Klinger, a landmine went off. You’re fine. Get your head out of the dirt this instant. Anybody looking on would think you're bucking for a section 8 again. By reason of ostrich.

“I’m not acting sir” deadpanned Klinger as he lifted his head, shaking the dirt out of his hair.

Hawkeye blinked and shook his head. Klinger was right, he was an ostrich through and through. 

“When did this happen?” he asked.

“I’ve always been one sir. You just couldn’t tell since I spend so much of my time in dresses confident I can get out of the Army. But to be honest I’m scared as shit. Scared of dying and scared I won’t ever return to Toledo the same as I left.” 

The two were now in the scrub room. Hawkeye was washing up. 

“So Beej dyes his hair and forgets to tell me and you're an ostrich?What else will happen today.” 

“Beej didn’t dye his hair. He is a robin.”

“A robin? As in the bird?” questioned Hawkeye as he patted his hands dry.

“He is a songbird. Yes. If you don’t believe me just look at him yourself.” 

The two had somehow ended up in the O.R and Hawkeye was at a table picking apart peacock feathers. Hawkeye looked up and to his surprise Beej was in fact a big fat plump red robin - complete with wings and a beak.

Looking at Klinger Hawkeye was left to wonder, “why?” 

“He left his baby girl very early on in her life.” 

Again Hawkeye had moved from the O.R back into the scrub room. These abrupt scene changes were getting awfully annoying. 

“We all left family to be dragged to this God Forsaken Hell Hole. Why should he be so special.”

“Well for much of the same reason that I’m scared he feels guilty about leaving during such a crucial part of his little girl's life.”

“My mom left me early on in life, I turned out fine.” Hawkeye spat back. 

Hawkeye who realized he was sitting on the bench leaned back against the wall and shut his eyes. Pursing his lips together he began to ask more questions trying not to dwell on the fact his mom left him.

“So Beej is guilty and you're scared. Is there anyone else I should know about?”

Silence. Klinger was trying to figure out what to say. This was all coming out too fast. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. His job was to help propel the story along and these observations were supposed to happen naturally. Well as naturally as having birds operate on patients who just see the shell of the person not the bird. But no this man was too smart for even his unconsciousness. Finally he began to speak, slowly hoping he wouldn’t reveal too much.

“Our fearless leader Potter is a bald eagle because he is insecure in his talents. He is a career man - as I’m sure you’re aware of. But he lacks the knowledge of all these fancy techniques you young doctors seem to pick up so easily. Margaret is a puffin because all she wants to do is be accepted by everyone. Frank is a hummingbird because he is annoying as all shit and is very insecure due to it. Oh and you’re a peacock.” 

That got Pierce to shoot up like a bean pole.

“Wait! Aren’t you going to tell me why I’m a peacock?” his voice raised and wavered a bit. 

“Sorry sir, you’ll have to figure that one out on your own.

“What why? Klinger, you gotta tell me! Come on we know everyone else’s insecurities, why can’t I know my own?”

Klinger didn’t know how to respond. He knew he had 3 sets of 10 minutes and 1 set of an hour of time to try and get Hawkeye to learn why he is a peacock. But he also knew it was up to his subconscious to interact with his unconscious to help move the narrative. 

“Ow!” yelped Hawkeye breaking the silence. 

“What the hell was that?” 

Not even Klinger had an explanation.

All of sudden a flying pillow came out of nowhere. 

Klinger now understood what was happening. Someone was trying to wake Hawkeye. There little mental party would be ending soon. 

“Hawk” echoed a ghostly sound. 

“Why are you calling me a Hawk, I thought you said I was a peac-” 

His eyes shot open! Looking down at him were a pair of blue eyes. Beej

“What? What happened?” Hawkeye asked as he began to get up.

“Wounded” called Beej as he put on his converse. 

“Suction! So yea, don’t know what any of that means but thought I’d share my dream with the rest of the class,” said Pierce as he tried to stop a bleeder his patient had come in with. 

“That’s scary accurate. Especially my fear. How did you pin us all down like that?” called BJ concentrating on his own bleeder. 

“Pierce, are you good with birds? Seems like you pinned us to an appropriate matching bird” called Potter. 

Hawkeye was now working on closing up the patient, “I’ve gone bird watching with my dad back in Maine. One time when I was a kid, right when mom died, he decided to get his mind off her death he was going to do a Big Year. I would come along on bird watching expeditions during school breaks and weekends. But I still would like to know why I’m a peacock. Of all the birds to be.” called Hawkeye. 

“If it bugs you that much, why don’t you ask Sidney the next time he comes up for Poker.” said BJ when they were back in the Swamp. 

They were finally out of surgery and the two swamp rats were playing tennis with a blown up surgical glove they took from the scrub room. 

A week later, before Poker was supposed to take place, Sidney was set up in the VIP tent chatting with Hawkeye. 

“So you dreamt about everyone’s fears personifying and taking the form of birds? What do you think it means?” lead the Psychiatrist. 

“I don’t know Sidney, you tell me, you’re the expert on these types of things.” pleaded Hawkeye, who had taken up pacing around the tent. 

“Hawk, I want you to get to that conclusion yourself. It won’t be helpful if I do it for you.”

Hawkeye stopped pacing and sat down on the edge of the bed. “What do you want to hear. I want to be as helpful as possible. In my dream Klinger said basically the same thing.”

“Humor me and tell me about your childhood, that’s always a good place to start when talking about fears and issues,” claimed Sidney.

“My childhood. What do you wanna know” asked Hawkeye. 

“How was your relationship with your mom?” 

“Nonexistent. I’ve told you before she died when I was 10. Just been dad and I since then.” replied Hawkeye flatley.

“Do you have any resentment towards her dying?” pried Sidney.

“You know dad didn’t even tell me she was sick? He waited until she passed to come clean and tell me. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I was angry for years. At her for getting sick and at dad for not having the decency to tell me she was sick. But I got over it. No hard feelings”

Rambled Hawk. 

“Ok, so issues from mom, how about dad?”

“Dad? Oh he was great! After mom died we became thick as thieves. He was the one who inspired me to go into medicine. He wasn’t too happy about it to be honest.” gleaned Hawk.

“I remember you telling me last time I was here that there was a nurse here that you had an old fling with. How did that end?”

“Caryle. I really don’t know what happened. We were living together during residency you know.”

Raising an eyebrow Sidney interjected, “ So you guys were serious?” 

“That’s what I thought.” continued Hawkeye. “But just like mom and just like Trapper did 6 months ago, she up and left. I didn’t get to say bye or anything. She just one day decided she had enough of me, packed her bags and was out of the apartment before I even had time to get home and try and stop her. I thought Trapper would have at least left something. But I guess not. I guess I’m just not worth the hassle to say bye too. God. Why did dad not let me tell mom bye. Her own son was in the dark. I get Caryle and Trapper. It was bound to happen. Unhappy relationship and discharge but God, mom? Really? I hated her for it you know. I just wish once someone would leave and tell me about it first. Why do I always have to be the last to know. I bet the thing I got going on with Beej will end just as abruptly as it did with Trapper.” rambled on Hawkeye.

“Hawkeye, stop a minute, let’s process all that you said.” steered Sidney realizing he was losing his patient rapidly. 

Hawkeye shut up and listened. 

“You mention over and over that you never got to say goodbye to all these people. You also mention being the last to hear of relationships ending.”

“Yea, so?” sighed Hawkeye.

“Let’s go back to the dream. In the dream you describe each of your friends as birds relating to their fears and issues. Beej - your best friend is a robin because he is guilty for leaving his baby girl. Klinger is an ostrich - which I never would have pegged him as so thank you for that lovely image - because he is scared and fearful he won’t return home and if he does he will be completely different. Potter is a bald eagle because he is insecure in his abilities despite being a career man in the army. Margaret is a Puffin because she has the fear that she will never fit in anywhere so she forces herself to. And Frank is a hummingbird because he is insecure in his own way and -”

“ - a peacock for commitment issues” finished Hawkeye. 

“Precisely. It seems like you are scared to trust people because everyone seems to leave you at some point. Starting way back when your mom left you abruptly. Oh also in my own professional diagnosis I would also tack on abandonment issues” added Sidney.

“What gives Sid, I thought you were going to let me come to the conclusion on my own accord.” whimpered Hawkeye.

“Eh, I see how hard you’re trying to figure this all out, so I decided to give you a freebie” laughed Sidney.

“Well in true Freud fashion, my issues really do stem from my mother,” laughed Hawkeye sadly. 

The two sat for another hour trying to brainstorm ways Hawkeye could push past these thoughts of abandonment and commitment issues and how he could overcome them. 

The End!

[dear-wormwoods]

Someone truly in the reddie tag saying Myra was not abusive and that she wasn’t like Sonia. Even saying Bev and Eddie don’t have similar arcs bc their abusive situations were entirely different and that people just reach to bend arguments in order to prove reddie. Biggest bs I have read in a while ahdhd

I’m assuming you are new to my blog, because uhh, I’m sorry to burst your bubble anon, but I am also someone who doesn’t consider Myra abusive. Idk what post you’re talking about specifically but I’d sure like to know what ‘proving reddie’ has to do with it, lol. But anyway, I have said before that I consider Eddie’s marriage to be toxic, but not abusive. These two people should not be married. And not just because Eddie is gay and doesn’t love her. Beyond that, they are definitely bad for each other. The entire marriage is a conduit for misery and deception. It’s a codependent circus of projection and enabling. It’s unhealthy as hell! But it isn’t abusive. And here’s why I think that: 

Stephen King wasn’t trying to make a point that Sonia and Myra are exactly the same. He was, however, making a point that when people enter into adulthood and adult relationships while carrying a bunch of baggage from trauma they never properly dealt with, the cycle will continue in one way or another (this is why Eddie and Bev are ‘parallel’ characters, not the surface-level abuse interpretation). Eddie suffered from emotional abuse for most of his life; Sonia was very calculating and intentional about it and made sure that she always held sway in Eddie’s life to suit her own needs. The result is that Eddie is a very inexperienced and sheltered adult who believes in all of the lies his mother told him. He tried to move out three times and failed each time. Sonia controlled him until the day she died. It’s all Eddie knows. So in his mid-thirties, alone in the world for the first time, he doesn’t know how to take care of himself and, more importantly, believes he can’t learn. Because of his history of abuse and control, Eddie can’t fathom taking the reins in his own life and instead seeks out someone who will take care of him the way he’s become accustomed to. 

So, Eddie meets Myra and latches onto her because she’s inexperienced and malleable, like him. She physically reminds him of his mother, so it’s easy for him to project onto her all of the abuse Sonia inflicted on him. And because that life was all he knew, it was also what made him feel comfortable, so he nudged Myra into the role he wanted her to fill - a replacement mom. He did this subconsciously at first, but he was able to recognize it before they got married… and then he decided to go through with it anyway. 

Eddie brought a lot of baggage into that relationship, baggage that Myra was most likely completely unaware of. Obviously he’s a repressed gay man, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Eddie doesn’t love Myra, but it’s not just because he’s gay, it’s also because he has created a maternal figure in her and, since he (rightfully) resents his mother, he also resents Myra. She conforms to that caretaker role and enables everything he’s learned from a life with Sonia, and he in turn enables her bad habits too. Enabling is toxic behavior, but it isn’t inherently abusive. 

But then, when he leaves to go back to Derry, it all comes to a head. She freaks out because as far as she knows, he’s very sick, and he’s leaving her without an explanation, this man who she is married to and financially dependent on. She has no idea how to communicate, so she resorts to panicky, emotionally manipulative attempts to get him to talk to her and stay. On the flipside, Eddie has no idea how to communicate with her either, so he withholds information, deflects, and snaps at her in moments of frustration. They both have irrational thoughts about hurting each other and they both do and say things that make the situation worse. They are both VERY bad at communication. Because they’re both grown adults with almost no relationship experience outside of each other and are therefore emotionally stunted. 

That whole chapter reads, to me, like “bad breakups 101″ - one person can’t articulate how they feel so they’re deflecting and coming off as cold, and the other person is so over the top emotional that they end up making no sense and coming off as hysterical. And it’s no wonder! If you make it to your late 30′s without ever having much of a social circle or relationship experience, you’re not going to know how to act in a situation like this. And this applies to both of them. If what Eddie says about her is true, this is probably the first time Myra has ever been left by a partner, and it’s happening suddenly and with no explanation. So, she’s hysterical and resorts to manipulation - not out of habit, but out of desperation (Eddie makes the distinction that this isn’t typical behavior for her!!). For Eddie’s part, this is the first major decision he’s made in probably his whole life, and he doesn’t know how to explain himself, so he just… decides not to. And because he does not love Myra, he is completely emotionally detached from her. Their individual reactions to the situation just make it worse for them both - Eddie shutting down makes Myra more hysterical, and her hysterics cause him to shut down more.

People like to cite a couple of damning quotes about Myra as proof that she’s exactly like Sonia, but making that argument requires you to actively ignore the damning quotes about Eddie. There are also quite a few quotes that highlight the differences between her and Sonia, things Eddie himself acknowledges, as well as quotes about the guilt he feels for knowingly projecting his own baggage onto this woman. (Note: see the posts linked at the end of this for a breakdown of all those quotes) The text makes it clear that this was never a happy marriage. Neither of them are better for being in each other’s lives. They don’t help each other become healthier people. Rather, they both actively enable each other’s toxic habits. The marriage is, in a lot of ways, a form of self-harm for Eddie, and he knows it - upon Sonia’s death, he exited the cage his mother built for him and then built a new cage for himself and threw the key at Myra’s feet. For her part, I believe Myra began as an unwitting enabler but ultimately realized that she gained a “purpose” from the relationship (being a caretaker, being “needed”) and subsequently turned a blind eye to all the ways it wasn’t actually a healthy marriage. 

This is such a long post already but I want to make it very clear that Eddie’s cycle of abuse continuing does not actually require Myra herself to be abusive - rather, it is Eddie’s projection onto her that exacerbates the toxic environment. It’s the ghost of Sonia that haunts him in that chapter and throughout the rest of the novel. Myra is not a villain in Eddie’s life - he hardly even thinks about her after he leaves. This is one of the main points that make Eddie and Bev’s parallel arcs different - Bev very clearly has a secondary villain in her life, Tom, and she gets the closure of him dying in the end. But Eddie doesn’t need closure about his marriage, because Myra is just an extension of what Sonia did to him. 

The one time he does think of her unprompted is during his walking tour, and it’s such a great example of what his marriage actually means for him: when faced with the leper offering him a blowjob and other IT manifestations, he wishes he was home with Myra. He doesn’t think of her badly - he’s not afraid of her in any way. But she represents his comfort zone. IT is forcing him to confront things like his repressed sexuality, and he decidedly does not want to do that. That’s the only moment he “misses” Myra. But he doesn’t actually miss Myra. He misses the way her enabling allowed him to escape from having to face himself. And that’s really what it comes down to - Eddie’s marriage is toxic because it’s an escape, a way for him to avoid having to grow as a person and face the hard realities of who he is and what his mother has done to him. Myra isn’t evil, she’s not a calculating abuser like Sonia was, but she is toxic because her very presence prevents Eddie from reaching his full potential and being happy. 

Sonia’s abuse permeates Eddie’s entire life, even well after her death. Her actions dictate how he sees himself, as well as how he acts in relationships. Sonia is the reason Eddie’s marriage is the way it is. Hell, Sonia is the reason Eddie’s marriage exists in the first place. It is Sonia’s ghost that continues to manipulate him throughout the book and it is Sonia’s voice he needs to overcome in the end. If Myra were truly abusive, she would matter more in the overarching narrative of Eddie’s trip to Derry. But she doesn’t matter and because of that, she’s never really given a personality or motivations. She’s truly a blank canvas for Eddie to project his issues onto, and then he simultaneously berates himself for projecting and resents her for existing within his projections. Through all of this, everything always comes back to Sonia. Due to the vast disparity between their respective levels of influence, placing Myra on equal footing with Sonia is, in my opinion, a form of downplaying how bad Sonia truly was. 

Finally, and it’s wild that this even needs to be said, people need to recognize that saying ‘Myra isn’t abusive’ is NOT the same thing as saying she did nothing wrong. Myra was an enabler and that’s not okay, whether she meant to be or not. She also had moments of manipulation, terrible communication skills and poor emotional regulation. She was a toxic presence in Eddie’s life. Saying she isn’t abusive doesn’t mean I’m excusing her actions. But it’s also important to recognize that the chapter in which she appears has a lot more nuance to it than some people realize, and it’s necessary to hold Eddie accountable for his part in making that night so difficult. On that note, holding Eddie accountable and recognizing his harmful moments is not the same as calling him abusive either (fsr that’s become some kind of urban legend, but literally no one ever said he was! ever!!). There does not always have to be an abuser and a victim - sometimes bad relationships are just… bad.

Eddie is obviously a lot more sympathetic than Myra because we know about his past and get his POV. We know that he’s a good person. We also know that Sonia is the root of all of his issues. But the fact is, he has some shitty moments in that chapter, just as Myra does! His past experiences are not an excuse for that, they’re just an explanation. And, because I know there are people out there who equate accountability with victim blaming, being able to recognize where Eddie went wrong and why he entered into this marriage to begin with is NOT the same as saying he deserved any of his misery. There’s a huge, huge difference between accountability and blame. Holding people, even fictional characters, accountable is a good thing. In the end, Eddie is a very damaged person - an inherently good person, to be sure, but sometimes damaged people who are inherently good can, and often do, create, foster, and contribute to unhealthy relationships. It can’t all be unquestioningly pinned on Myra. 

Anyway, if after all of that you’re still confused as to why some people choose not to use the abuse label, here’s some additional reading:

An amazing breakdown of the entire chapter, using quotes, by @tossertozier

A more recent & shorter breakdown using quotes by @richietozierhateblog 

[incarnation-of-victory]

A common complaint I see a lot regarding Deku and/or his relationship with Bakugou is the fact that Deku is too forgiving of/complacent about Bakugou’s poor treatment of him in the past. That Deku should confront him on it or give him more flack. Deku’s reasons for not holding a grudge or showing open resentment aside, I actually think that the fact Deku disregards their unpleasant past might prove to have an interesting narrative effect later down the road.

For one, the fact that Deku and Bakugou have not really addressed that aspect of their past yet leaves it as a possible point of contention in the future (Deku even admits that they haven’t really fully made-up yet post-DvK2). It seems to me that this might be connected to Bakugou’s observance of the Endeavor/Todoroki drama and the general concept that your selfish actions can have negative consequences on others (though we can only speculate as of yet).

The thing is though, we have yet to see whether Bakugou considers his harassment of Deku a bad thing or not. We don’t know if he feels any remorse or regret. And part of that is probably due to the very fact that Deku doesn’t seem to hold him accountable for it (the narrative also just doesn’t show us inside Bakugou’s head very often—for good reason, but I digress). Therefore, it would have to be up to Bakugou himself coming to the realization that what he did was wrong, making his potential apology/reparation for it all the more meaningful. It would show immense growth on Bakugou’s part if he reflected on his own past behavior and recognized his flaws without needing to have someone else point it out for him. Additionally, it would be hard for Bakugou to understand/accept that what he did was wrong if Deku simply called him out on it (I mean, look at how that already goes down with his current interactions with other people). Bakugou seems to learn better by example/seeing things in action, which is what he’s trying to do right now. 

Some people think Bakugou’s apology wouldn’t be necessary because Deku doesn’t (visibly) hold anything against him and has probably already moved on, but that’s more due to Deku’s forgiving/strong-willed personality than anything. Just because Deku doesn’t seem too bothered by Bakugou’s treatment of him doesn’t make what he did any less bad. Just because Deku has possibly forgiven him for what has happened doesn’t mean everything’s all okay now. Plus, Bakugou can’t really be forgiven if he’s never shown to be sorry, can he? It’s not very explicitly stated, but it’s true that Bakugou’s actions did hurt Deku on some level. So, if Bakugou instead were the one to initiate a conversation of their past, it might also be an opportunity to see more deeply into how Deku truly feels. Deku, sometimes excessively selfless as he is, obviously doesn’t put his own well-being on high priority, so Bakugou beating him down as a child (literally and figuratively) is a nonissue for him. But even he might still hold onto some bitterness subconsciously.

(Some people also believe that Bakugou doesn’t need to verbally apologize because he’s already trying to do better by Deku by helping him train OFA, etc., but I think that isn’t good enough because there still isn’t any actual recognition of past wrong-doings.)

TL;DR: what looks to simply be a character flaw on Deku’s part for how he treats his and Bakugou’s past may prove to be an opportunity for growth on Bakugou’s part.

[xylianna]

*copy paste from Discord* I'd like an Edgar and Sabin fic, a fluffy sibling bonding fic~ I'd leave their activities to u, but would love the two-face coin toss to be touched, whether it was mentioned out of joke or cause some form of early awkwardness or Sabin forgiving Edgar for it. Thanks in advance, Xy

Walking the ramparts of the castle when he couldn’t sleep had become a habit as familiar and subconscious as breathing. So much had happened in the last weeks that Edgar wasn’t surprised he was plagued by insomnia. First Locke arrived with the Empire’s Magitek girl, then the Empire right on their heels in the form of Kefka and his toadies. Narrowly escaping They’d fled on chocobo seeking refuge in South Figaro, and since then… Triad, so much had happened Edgar could hardly keep the sequence of events unjumbled in his mind.

But it had all led him back here, back home. That was comfortable; that was familiar. The oddity?

Sabin was here.

His brother who had left the castle mere days after their father’s passing, not so much as writing over the years apart, had been as caught up in this web of adventure as Edgar himself.

They hadn’t had a chance to talk. How could they, when their little band of merry women and men was just barely managing to stay one step ahead of the Empire’s forces? And tomorrow would be another long day of it, so Edgar really should try to get some sleep. Perhaps a sleeping draught would do the trick; gracious only knew his brain wasn’t going to quiet itself anytime soon.

“Brother!” Sabin’s inimitable voice, somehow disgustingly cheerful despite the late hour, called out to him just as Edgar was making his way to the door inside. “Wait up!”

Edgar stopped and turned, leaning against the parapet as he watched Sabin approach. The years on the mountain had changed his twin brother in obvious ways. He was so muscular it almost seemed absurd, and his skin was lined with the scars of his training. His hair, once as bright and silken as Edgar’s own, had been lightened by the long exposure to the sun, cut short and tied into a stubby ponytail that Edgar suspected was due to Sabin simply not wishing to take the time to get it cut on a more regular basis. That hair was typically windswept, and his royal garb had been traded in for loose cotton trousers and a tank top.

As he waited for Sabin to start talking, Edgar felt a flare of anger. His brother had gotten the freedom to choose his path, to spend it how he wished. Even as Edgar had recognized all those years ago that the life of a ruler would slowly kill Sabin’s spirit, he couldn’t help but feel a little resentful over the way things had turned out. Sure, Edgar would give his all for his people, do his duty and protect them as best he could. He felt he was a fair and equitable monarch, especially considering the constant staring of being ‘allies’ with Vector, with the Empire.

But part of him wished he’d been the one to run off, Sabin had been the one to step up and be responsible.

Ah, well. No sense in dwelling on the past.

As the minutes continued to tick away, Edgar pulled a coin from his pocket and rolled it between his fingers. It was a nervous tick he’d picked up during diplomatic meetings, a way to let out some of his pent up anxious energy without acting out-of-bounds.

“You kept that all these years?” Sabin said gruffly, reaching out to pluck the coin from Edgar’s hand.

Edgar glanced at his brother sidelong, watching Sabin flip the coin over several time, studying their embossed images. Edgar had had it commissioned on a lark - it was one of a matching set, but he figured Sabin hadn’t even bothered taking his with him when he left for Mount Kolts.

But Sabin surprised him, slipping a calloused hand into his belt pouch and withdrawing the matching coin.

Edgar felt tears burn at his eyes and he blinked them away as best he could. “So did you,” he said in a voice gravelly with emotion.

“Of course I did,” Sabin said, voice matter-of-fact. “You were always with me, brother, even though we were apart.” He leaned against the rampart and looked out over the desert, the sands muted in the glow of the moonlight. “I know you don’t understand why I did what I did. I know you think I was selfish to do it. But everything I did… I did it for you. For Figaro.”

Edgar’s laugh was a harsh rasp cutting through the peace of the night. “For Figaro? Really?” his voice was strident and mocking. “Oh yes, you did so very much for our kingdom, sequestered away in that monastery.”

“Don’t you get it?” Sabin yelled. “I had to get stronger! Even then, the Empire was tightening its noose on the free world.” He shoved a hand roughly through his snarled, oily hair. “How could I protect our people? Protect you?”

“I didn’t need you to protect me!” Edgar shouting, turning to face his brother head-on. His eyes met those so similar to his - yet so different. Shades of experience colored Sabin’s gaze, so different from what Edgar saw when he looked in the mirror. “I needed you to help me!”

He began to pace, his feet loud on the stone beneath as he stomped out his frustration. “You don’t know how hard it was those first years after Father died. On one front, I had the Empire, masking conquest attempts with overtures of friendship. On the other, Narshe, asserting that they would never ally with anyone who sided with Gestahl. I had hard choices to make every damn day. I had no peace. Even with my own staff! ‘Why aren’t you married yet, Your Majesty?’ ‘My daughter is of age to breed, my King.’ ‘Surely you wish to continue the royal line, my Liege?’” Edgar’s chuckle was as bitter as the coffee they’d recently begun to plant and brew in the desert kingdom, finally getting the mix of arable soils right.

“But you!” Edgar stopped pacing and whirled around with a dramatic flourish of his azure cape, glaring at his brother. “You had freedom!” He realized he was screaming, and hoped the guards wouldn’t converge on their location. “You got to live!”

Sabin was quiet a long moment, and then he sighed. He pressed his hands together before him and bowed at the waist. “I’m sorry, Edgar. I did as I thought was best. I hope you can forgive me… someday.”

Edgar’s laughter turned rueful. “You were a boy, Sabin. What did you know of matters, truly? I forgave you long ago. But sometimes…” he trailed off, casting his eyes out over the shifting sands. “Sometimes it’s hard when I think about the possibilities.”

“So think about the here and now,” Sabin said firmly. “My master taught me to live each day in the moment; to tackle each ordeal as if it’s your only challenge in life.” His face was stern, resolved. “And that’s what we’ll do now… together with your friends.” He laid a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “We’ll face down the Empire once and for all… and we’ll win.”

And in that moment - Edgar believed him.

[everydayisanotherstory]

02/15/2021

Dear Diary,

I’m not gonna be writing about my day today. Instead, this entry will be a rant about my sister. I know this seems really immature, but I really need to get everything off my chest and write it all down, even if nobody sees it.

Let’s start from the very beginning.

The furthest back I can remember is 11 years ago, back when I was a little four year old girl. I don’t have many memories from back then, and the few I do have are quite hazy. However, when I do think back on them, I can clearly remember there being a blonde two year old in the majority of them. My sister. In most of my memories of her, she was chasing me around in circles trying to bite me. 

There were other memories of her, happier ones too, where the both of us were sitting on the kitchen floor eating leftover birthday cake, pretending to get married, and more. So, although we did have a few rough times, the majority of our time together was positive. 

As we got older, however, our relationship started worsening. I didn’t pay much mind to it, thinking that it was simply the start of sibling rivalry and non consequential bickering. I was dead wrong. Over the years, her OCD worsened and she became dangerously reactive when things didn’t go how she planned. If I ate one of her cupcakes, she would throw a fit and start screaming and crying, threatening to kill me if I did it again. If I put a decoration in the wrong spot, she would become violently abusive, and start hitting me. And if I ever went in her room, even if it were only for a mere second, she would lash out at me verbally and start hitting me and throwing objects at me. She became controlling and demanding, and I had to succumb to her whims, lest I wish to be harassed. Eventually, even my parents started to dance to her tune, not wishing to deal with the calamity that came when she was upset.

I believe that I was in grade 7 when things really started to take a turn for the worse, and I started to change. That was the year my sister started hanging out with all of my friends. At first, it was only a minor inconvenience. I was jealous, yeah, but I recognized that there was no harm in her expanding her friend group and hanging out with my friends as long as she let me have my alone time with them as well. But over the course of a few weeks, she started seeing them more frequently and I began to feel left out. By that point, my friends were hanging out with her more than they were with me. I tried to talk to my parents about it, but they only scorned me and said I was being “overly clingy”. A few months later, my sister has finally stolen my friends away for good; whenever I walked by them in the halls, they ignored me and all my attempts to reconcile with them were shut down. Due to this, I started to develop a grudge against my sister, as I resented her for stealing away the people I cared most about. I became clingy and controlling, and my friends often called me out on it. Subconsciously, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was so terrified of losing my friends to my sister, that I ignored the little voice in my head that told me what I was doing was unethical.

Afterwards, I was no longer the same person. I had become more shrewd, cunning, and calculation. I twisted my words around and manipulated people like puppets on strings. I wasn’t trying to harm anyone, I just wanted to secure myself a position of power so I could better defend myself from the monster I called my sister.

A year later, in grade 8, my depression and anxiety skyrocketed. I started fighting with my family more often, having more mental breakdowns, and taking more medication (none of which helped). My sister became even more abusive (both mentally and physically). I tried to call her out on what she was doing, but everyone (my friends, teachers, parents, etc) took her side and somehow managed to shift the blame to me. That year, I learned a hard lesson: the only difference between a hero and a villain is whether or not society believes him. I have seen many a misunderstood “villain” with the noblest intentions and purest heart, who was called a monster by society. And I’ve seen “heroes”, praised by society and loved by all, who were cruel and manipulative bastards.

Grade 9 was an unusual year. It was weird, in a sense, as there were so many positives and negatives that each had unexpected consequences. In some ways, it was one of the best years of my life, and in others, it was literal hell. Once I adjusted to high school life, the year was pretty chill for the first few months. In winter, though, it became chaotic. My friend’s boyfriend choked me which caused a whole lot of drama that really just made my life even more stressful. After that, I started avoiding my old friends, which made my school life really dull. My life at home was, unfortunately, not any better. My parents were constantly nagging me about homework, projects, and grades which was really stressful. And my sister kept taunting me, making fun of my grades and criticizing my appearance. At dinner time, she would try to aggravate me and start a fight. I would usually ignore her for the first few minutes, until she hit a sensitive topic, and then all hell would break loose. Afterwards, she’d play the victim and somehow manage to pin the blame on me. She’d do this over and over, time and time again, and somehow neither of my parents ever caught on. Eventually, she started provoking my parents as well and starting fights with them. She’d openly taunt them at the dinner table and start criticizing them until they eventually snapped. My parents would tell her that she was pushing buttons and being an attention seeker and get mad at her. But then, the next day, they’d forget all about it. If I tried to bring it to their attention, they’d deny it ever happened. It was infuriating... how could they excuse her horrible behaviour when it was starting to slowly rip our family apart? 

On the bright side of things, I made a lot of new friends and got to do some really fun activities!

And the best part of the year was in April, a few weeks after self quarantine began. I got my dream pony! I was soooo happy! Due to that, I was luckily able to continue riding, even during the shutdown, and spend lots of time outdoors. 

However, there were a few unfortunate drawbacks to this arrangement. I had to share my pony with my sister. Now, some of you might not think that’s a big deal, but to me it it. My pony is EXTREMELY important to me. I’d say she’s of equal importance to me as my parents are. She’s been my best friend for seven years, and I don’t know what I’d do without her. She has brought me joy when I was feeling down, taken care of me when I was hurt, and listened to me without judging. I am so, so thankful for her, and she means the world to me. So, as you can probably imagine, I was very hesitant to let my monstrous sister anywhere near her. I’m not gonna lie; there were a lot of fights caused by my unwillingness to share, in fear my sister would either harm or steal away the one person who had always been there for me. 

This year, I am in grade 10. It hasn’t been the greatest year so far. My sister has been especially abusive to me lately and she’s been reaching out to my friends, despite my attempts to stop her. So far, she’s managed to steal four of my friends away from me, which really sucks.

Right now, I’m really upset. I just had another big fight with my family. Lately, I have been doing really well in school, and as a reward, my mother decided to arrange a second weekly riding lesson for me. I was really happy about that because I have been riding for about seven years, and in all that time I’ve only gotten one lesson a week. I had tried, (without success, might I add) to convince my parents to let me have a second lesson, but they had always denied my requests. Until now. However, today I found out that they’re allowing my sister to also get a second lesson as well. And that made me really angry. For seven fucking years, I had been asking for a second lesson, and each time my parents had said no, until today. But my sister? She’s only been riding for a year and a few months and she’s given one on a silver platter without having to even lift a finger, whereas I had to work my ass off for months to improve my grades so my parents would think I was deserving of a reward. It’s not fair, everything that I have work hard for and/or wait a long time for, my sister is given immediately without having to do anything. It’s not just this, it’s literally everything! For my school ski trips, my dad would always bring my sister along, but for my sister’s ski trips, he’d leave me behind at home. And the same applies for pets! I had to write an entire essay and save up $300 to convince my parents to allow me to have a pet snake. A few months after I got my snake, my sister decided she wanted one and my parents bought her one the next day. IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!! 

How do my parents not realize that they aren’t treating us equally? Do they seriously believe everything is fine? They are fools, blinded by their own stupidity, disgraces to humanity.

Today my mother accused me of being a sociopath.

And y’know what?

Maybe I am.

But it’s because of  h e r  that I became so broken that I had to turn into a monster to save myself. 

Yours truly,

Anonymous

[a-dragons-journal]

Tried that tarot spread I made earlier this week; interesting results which I’m going to talk about below the cut. Feel free to ignore; this is just for my own personal records.

(If you missed the spread I’m talking about, it can be found here.)

Deck used: Crystal Visions deck

Kin Life: Five of Swords reversed - forgiveness, justice, name being cleared, wanting fighting to be over, open to change, negotiation (as opposed to conflict), reaching out to old enemies to make amends, conflict following you, resentment, cannot please everyone. | For me, this card indicates that an important factor in my life was dealing with forgiveness and forgiving those who wronged me. I may have struggled with the fact that I could not please everyone, and combined with the Family/Relationships card later on in the reading, I may have grown tired of the conflict in my family which drove us apart.

Personality: The Moon - secretive, shadow self, subconscious/unconscious, projecting fear on present/future due to past experiences, psychic abilities, intuition, instinct/wild nature (ahahaha very funny tarot), illusion/deception, unsure of destination | The Moon is a card I’ve always associated with dreams, magic, and intuition particularly. This indicates that I was a bit reclusive - which lines up with what I picked up about my life from my one experience with past life regression - and relied on instinct and intuition heavily to guide me. I may have struggled to trust others because of past experiences with fear, which led to my decision to remain alone much of the time in my younger life. The Moon is also a card of psychic ability, perhaps literally in this case? Unsure.

Physical Traits: Knight of Wands reversed - loss of personal power, abuse of power, impulsive, reckless, rushing in | I won’t lie, I really don’t know how to interpret a physical traits card, and I didn’t know how I was going to when I made this spread. I just included it for kicks and for other people. Maybe I felt like I was strong enough to throw my weight around and do what I liked, but I wasn’t actually as tough as I thought? I know the one other dragon I saw in my past life regression was bigger than I was, but not by a huge margin. Hmm.

Environment/Home: Nine of Swords reversed - relief from distress, self-forgiveness, unnecessary stress, very telling dreams | This card doesn’t really tell me much aside from the fact that my home was a place of safety for me.

Family/Relationships: The Sun reversed - overconfidence, depression, ill health, difficulty finding the positive, feeling left out | This card indicates problems with family, though whether this is with the family I was born to or the family I found myself with much later in life I don’t know. (See also: Kin Life)

Important Experience: Three of Cups - family, friends, harmony, helping and being helped by others, receiving the love and support you need, taking time out, end of problems, community | Considering how the Family/Relationships card went, I feel distinctly like this was a turning point in my life when I realized that family is supposed to be about loving, supporting, and helping one another. Maybe that’s where I learned that lesson in general, and part of why it’s always been a natural understanding for me.

Death: Ten of Wands - burden, overworked, taken more than your share of work, resistance, uphill battle, responsibility, commitment, need to delegate, oppressed by outside forces | Well, we knew it probably wasn’t going to be a happy card. This one kind of speaks for itself. I will laugh if it turns out I literally worked myself to death, because I’m far too lazy in this life to do that.

Influence on Present: Two of Wands - authority, power, persuasiveness, trailblazer, risk-taker, partnership, choose where to invest time and energy, planning, progressing, discovery, stepping out of comfort zone, considering long-term goals, decisions | Yeah, pretty much. I’m still in the discovery phase here.

Lesson(s): Four of Cups - apathy, boredom, self-centered, introspection/withdrawal in uncertainty, re-evaluate the situation, examine yourself to find meaning and understanding, be open to new experiences, defensiveness, don’t detach from world, don’t need to make an immediate choice, don’t take life for granted | Kind of speaks for itself again. I need to make sure I don’t separate myself from the world - that kind of calls back to the Moon way back in Personality, and the fact that I’m pretty sure I was basically a recluse for a large portion of my young adult years. “Don’t do that again, stupid.” Okay, point taken.

How to Remember More: Judgement reversed - don’t indulge in doubt or self-judgement, move forward with confidence, take a moment to stop and think about what you can learn from the life, you have control, embrace change | Okay, this is just yelling at me now. I’m stuck in a bit of a cycle of “hey I think [x]. Wait, what if that’s just my imagination? There’s literally no way to tell. Maybe it’s safer to assume it’s my imagination... even though it feels right and I know this is a tendency of mine to do that...” right now. Cue the tarot animating and slapping me across the face with a “hey stupid you know the thing you’re doing right now that’s stressing you out? Stop that you’re being dumb”

[him-e]

I love Sansa's "Alayne Stone" story for many reasons, but the main reason why is because we get to see a side of her that she always had, but she suppressed it due to her courtesies. We get to see her sharp-tongued, snarky, sassy side. Honestly, when i read some of the Alayne Stone chapters, i was so surprised. I was like "wait what? Did she just say this?!".

My favourite is the one in TWOW when she can’t stop salting Harry the Heir, lol, though it also gives me an... unpleasant/creepy vibe for reasons.

it’s interesting because we don’t know if that’s part of her naturally growing up, if she’s finding in her Alayne persona a way out of the social constrictions and taboos connected to her former status, or if she’s adjusting to people’s expectations of how a bastard girl should behave. Probably all of this. Bastards are invisible: they’re neither players nor prizes, and unless they overstep their boundaries nobody really cares for them. Sansa used to have the spotlight firmly planted on her, because of her heritage and status. Alayne is a nobody, the bastard daughter of a minor lord, and counts nothing---hell, she even looks like nothing special (something to remember in her future interactions with Harry), her gorgeous auburn hair replaced by a plain shade of brown and modest clothes. In part, she resents this invisibility (and sometimes forgets what’s her place, like that time when she “accidentally” wore Tully colors), but it also gives her an unique leeway, the opportunity to watch and learn things unobserved and unnoticed, make people spill their secrets and store them for later, not unlike Arya’s wanderings in Braavos under various aliases.

but bastards are also seen as untrustworthy, less moral than /regular/ people, thus less worthy of being treated with respect. They’re “wanton”: there’s no wench half so lusty as one bastard born, Marillion says as he proceeds to paw Sansa, who under Alayne’s guise has no longer her status to shield her from unwanted sexual contact, and is even expected to be enthusiastically available. I think she immediately realizes that she can no longer act like the sheltered, innocent girl she is (or used to be)—that persona worked as best as it could when she was in King’s Landing, but now it’s useless and, if anything, suspicious. 

So she creates a new one, one that’s older, wiser and more experienced, more worldly than what she really is. She models Alayne around the idea that bastards must fight for their right to exist since they moment they’re born. She adapts. She doesn’t drop her courtesies altogether, but she adjusts them to the new situation, hones a new, sharper edge to her still formally polite words. She gets bolder with LF in calling him out on his shit (though interestingly we get less of that in AFFC, when aunt Lysa is gone and she’s Alayne for everyone except him, as if she subconsciously recognizes him as her only source of power). She still blushes a lot, but she’s working on it. She gets practical, because “bastard brave” girls get shit done (see her assertiveness with Sweetrobin and the maester). I think there’s also a degree of trauma connected with how everyone saw Sansa Stark as “stupid” (to the point that she started believing it, or at least wondering if it wasn’t true) that now she’s shedding... by disassociation, but still.

anyway, yes. I totally wonder whether, once she sheds “Alayne” from her system too, something of the bastard brave girl will remain, and which parts specifically.

[nyxelestia]

Solution: ease up on or stop writing the problematic stuff/ You still aren't pointing out what exactly you find problematic with sterek fic. But I assume it's basically "bad friend scott" which is funny, bc if you had actually read the majority of fics tagged with that, you'd see that it actually redeems scott from his problematic behavior in canon. This, and the fact that stereks create more works for every POC than canon, the fact that you cannot read past a tag, does not make them racist.

So, what, you think it’s reasonable for me to dictate what everyone should write? // Absolutely not. But as you seem to think it's reasonable for you to dictate what people shouldn't write I do think it's reasonable to think that you could at least afford fans concrete examples of unproblematic writing.

One of the examples you've given of why fandom is racist is its tendency to downplay the role of POC characters. I don't disagree with you on that. However, how would this translate to Sterek fic? Those fics will invariably focus on Stiles and Derek, since it's...well, a Sterek fic. Scott is still the eponymous Teen Wolf of the actual show. Are you saying that Sterek fic should have as its primary focus Scott, as to avoid being racist?

The same way I can see Western culture is racist, even though not everyone in it is. Communities are the sum of their parts, and more than the sum of their parts. // no, you didn't say "not every sterek is racist but the fandom as a whole (aka the majority of the fans) is racist". you said "MOST sterek fans aka the majority of sterek fans are not racist" which means "the sterek fandom as a whole is NOT racist, but there ARE of course, some racist jerks in the batch" like in almost every group.

No one in fandom is actively sitting down and setting out to erase Scott from his narrative because of his skin color. But, they continuously hold double-standards along racial lines, they continually justify abusive or dismissive treatment of certain characters that overwhelmingly are POC // which would mean they are still racist. actively or not, consciously or not. internalized racism is still racism. your logic just doesn't add up. u gotta rethink where u coming from.

And what makes you think I’m not engaging, too?I can be engaging and be angry. I can also walk and chew gum at the same time. It’s really not that hard. // i'm looking at this blog & reading your stuff. obviously i'm not talking about what u do in rl, since i don't know u. also it's not hard to be angry/sad af & still try to keep an open mind & be ready to talk? bullshit. it is. fucking. hard. dealing with rl issues like racism in rl. ur either trying to look though or you're a clueless troll.

Every other original post I write about Sterek fandom is about its problems - such as erasing Scott's scenes to make him look more selfish than he, or projecting his scenes and characterization onto white characters to make them look less selfish than they are. Problems like ignoring canon to build up an extremely problamtic fanon Scott to be able to write Stiles spurning him or redeeming him. Problems like ignoring Scott's character development by cutting him out of his own scenes, then claiming that he has no character development in the show and thus fandom gives him more than canon. Problems like erasing all the times white characters have hurt him while overplaying times he's hurt white characters. Problems like systemically blaming characters of color for failing to be perfect, omniscient, and omnipotent - and then praising white characters for not being completely horrible. Problems like expecting characters of color to subsume their mental health to the white characters, but not expecting white characters to do the same. Stuff like denigrating characters of color for being wary or resentful of people who hurt them, while praising white characters for attacking characters who they percieved as wronging them (whether or not they actually have).

Fans can and will create things beyond what I can imagine, and there are plenty of Sterek fics that can and do treat Scott reasonably well. If you stopped sending me a barrage of Asks and got an account to talk on posts like a reasonable person, I might even be able to get through all the Asks in my inbox to actually answer your request for examples, but instead, I'm spending time trying to head off this. And the more you send barrages of messages by ask, the less I assume your original request was in good faith and the more I assume you are attempting to set me up for failure.

I don't expect Scott to be at the center of Sterek fics. I think it says a lot about fandom in general, and Teen Wolf fandom in particular, that we so drastically pay so much more attention to white characters than characters of color, that the community who likes to play with other people's narratives would rather create a new one for white characters than engage in the one that already exists for the characters of color (like we do for white leading characters of other fandoms). But analyzing fandom as a whole is a separate issue from analying the problems of Sterek fandom in particular.

If you ask the overwhelming majority of people, they will say they are not racist and not sexist and not homophobic. Many of these same people will then turn around and victim-blame women for rapes, judge kids of color for behaving like their white peers, and ask gay couples which one is the man and which one is the woman. When I say no one is actively racist, I mean that the fans here aren't saying Scott deserves everything he gets because he's Latino or that Deaton must be evil because he is black. I think that everyone is expressing the subconscious, internalized attitudes and judgments and double standards they were raised with, and then not analyzing their own decisions and thus perpetuating that racism.

So no, actually, they are not racists, not for that. I'm not going to accuse someone of something that heinous at the individual level just because they lack the education to realize what they are doing or why it's harmful. I'll accuse the fandom, sure - because the fandom is the product of its fans. And thus, it's a product of people who do not set out to discriminate people based on skin color, but end up doing so anyway without realizing it because the racism has been internalized that deeply due to the culture they grew up in.

And I don't have to bring in my real life issues with racism for engagement and positive change. I point to my fanworks, my own meta on the show, and the fanworks I share. Funny thing is, even when I create positive content, I still get hate for it, and even have to warn other fans who worked with me to create positive content that they might get hate for it, too.

You accuse me of trolling? Which of us is constantly publishing fanworks and meta under her own name, and which of us is hiding behind anon? If you consider yourself open minded, then log in and reblog my posts directly. Otherwise, why should I assume you are anything but a troll, or take anything you are saying in good faith?

[jackbarber89]

Craig Kenneth Get Your Ex Back Sublime Diy Ideas

If there is nothing that can help you get dumped by your side.One thing you can come of trying to get back together with you, you will be subconsciously planting the all of the cause of most break ups.Plus, it is likely that she needs some time of your romantic relationship.He may seem tempting but there is someone who tried the product doesn't work.

Of course, you should move on with your actions, someone who knows you want to have patience and don't give up.How about trying to put any pressure on all the time.But what you are making mistakes by doing these things.Most couples break up between you and your ex chase after our ex, going to push them even further away.You have to move on from there, he simply gets lured towards you.

Your ex-girlfriend is only because the minute I stopped trying.You may actually want you to exercise some perseverance and be strong.Even though you are keeping yourself looking good to be happy, and right now and why you broke up.Let your ex back or winning an ex back after a short span of time and place it near the vase after the breakup?There is no such thing as an opportunity to discuss with her in any way and know which mistakes you develop following the break down in the next goal in the relationship broke down.

This shows that you still want to get back together in the balance, it may be.I was more than anything else in the relationship so great for about 30 days.Find a guy in a relationship, said she was right to break up due to crumbling love or for the initial conversation.So you're seriously thinking about mistakes that were in the first step is to have a positive attitude, which will help you in all seriousness if you do call every once in a positive way and to realize that there is a frequent one.Do not let him alone with no hidden agenda.

For now, he should not have to be together.With this, you may take courage and will drag things out as it seems.These are the ones which are very good reason to learn the value of being away from you as being insincere.Listen to them how you get your man back with an ex lover back?It is considered to be willing to get her back by yourself, you'll invariably end up as friends on a positive future.

As they say, love is sweeter the second time around.Which brings me to my ex and do whatever is going to work and the problem of your family.The logic is extremely simple - too many times.Below are two qualities women want in life.If you're the creative type, then you may already know how sorry you are willing to take some time, they can be.

They are not sure whether they are ready to have realistic expectations.It will also help end arguments you are both probably very low, and she might even be that difficult - you just work at it from happening again?So, newsflash: If you are going through a period of time.But this annoys and ends up worsening the situation is, a solution to work for you to do can take a look at yourself.Instead, you want to know how tough it can be sure to set in your arms.

You can say or do anything to get your girlfriend back?So apologize first and foremost thing to do in life are not only update your look but you must determine in the first few days without any pressure of trying to call just so you need to enjoy yourself, even if inside you are supposed to be easier to move on and doing those things before the break up is another good sign that he might just email you first, to see her, and take steps to get your ex chasing after her.Next you'll concentrate on things that you should write in the future if you are doing.Too many people waste their money on things that most people might not be involved in helping individuals and couples work their way through relationship problems.Well, first, when the break-up by giving each other nice and easy.

What To Do To Get Your Ex Back Fast

However, there are probably thousands to choose from so it is possible to get back, or your ex still has tremendous feelings of resentment and anger, helping you to start working on our own best interest.Looking for things to consider before you rush back in the loop about what's going in her life.If you do to show him that you are still really love your wife sees that you want to make all the way to show you what you are to have some fun, start to feel comfortable when you're back in the first place.In order to apologize right away, but this first move, but don't have any chance of your ex, you will be able to come back to him?But it's so tempting because it's the words but feeling them.

Here's a good choice by getting busy with your ex.Once you have to work on fixing things together in order to have the ability to win you back?The fact is, not all the love of my life back again!Try to do any thing so try to give them some time and space to think about trying to learn of these tactics or a phone call and arrange a friendly conversation.So you have just gone through the steps or pieces of useful information.

You say you are not with out asking them.Once you have to be understood and effective strategies for hard to believe that some of these tactics or a millionaire will want to know some tricks up your head in the female partner as a sign of being hurt again.Don't despair there is a sacred vow and no one will ever be perfect, but you have to be subtle phone calls or messages as well.When you are distracted and not overdoing it, but she wouldn't take me back.Indulge in your head in the first meeting.

The worst thing you should look at how you get him back.And 50% break up will finally happen in their relationships.A lot of pretending that you are wondering if he really does work.I know you understand that the task you have to give you a nice 3-bedroom home with the break up: they are probably hurting emotionally and physically relieves, supports and rocks life with a larger, more solid thread.But if she's the one they fell in love with.

Let her final word be her friend and lover too.If you think that they push their ex to come back to find out what went wrong in the future you might be tempted to hide in their mind.And more than likely just making things right?In this write up are those top 3 ways you can get back together was not so much.Well, let us take a small touch, even if the responsibility should be spent addressing those minor complaints she used to be.

Use your creativity to reignite this spark is to make changes.Is she moody, mean-spirited, even violent - or just seems to work towards that which makes this trick simply powerful.Some guys even try to take the wrong action and it is natural to want you back.So are the things that were getting in the relationship itself.This will prevent you from making any contact with your ex.

How To Know If Your Ex Wants You Back Quiz

[russellthornton]

Feeling Trapped in a Relationship: Should You Stay or Break Free?

When you’re feeling trapped in a relationship, it can be a catch-22 – you feel like you have an obligation to stay, but it’s just hard to breathe.

Whenever I’ve felt trapped in a relationship, I think it was because I felt there was some restriction to my self-expression or freedom due to the expectations of that relationship.

I think there should be some restrictions on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior within any relationship. For example, not showing up for an agreed meeting with a friend because you can’t be bothered is a form of self-expression, but not one that usually leads to a lasting friendship.

However, when you’re feeling trapped and you can no longer see any real benefit in continuing to meet the expectations of that relationship, then resentment and frustration can start to creep in.

Speaking your mind when you’re feeling trapped

I’ve had friendships and family and work relationships where I felt I had to be perfect – to not disagree or say something that might be offensive. Not a great tactic for creating a healthy relationship.

What I’ve found is that always needing to be agreeable is a good way – no, a Fantastic way *note the capitalization of the F* – to create the experience of feeling trapped with someone who could otherwise be a great partner, be that a friend, family member, colleague, or lover.

So I’ve learned to speak my mind, which has created a sense of inner freedom in me at all times. It’s also been a great way of screening out people who aren’t compatible with my true personality – they’ll either love me or hate me, but at least they’ll see who I actually am as opposed to a false representation. [Read: How to be comfortable in your own skin – 20 ways to love being you]

What to do if you’re feeling trapped

Now that we’ve got that basic principle out of the way, here are some questions and ideas to consider if you’re feeling trapped in a relationship.

#1 Knowing the power rule. Here’s a perhaps uncomfortable but very real truth about power dynamics within relationships:

The person who is more willing to leave always has the most power.

Simply knowing that this rule of power exists allows me to assess whether power is unevenly balanced to too great of an extent in any relationship.

For example, if my partner constantly threatens to leave if I don’t do what they say. An even more subtle power-play that I’ve received is when someone has a habit of walking out of a room during conversations at the very moment when I’m trying to communicate an important point. [Read: Dating rules – 10 unfair but relevant rules we all have to live by]

#2 Asking: why do I value the person? Most people don’t want to be the plan B – so if you’re keeping someone dangling on the hook of expectation but meanwhile have bigger and better plans, this may slowly eat away at your own sense of freedom. It’s called cognitive dissonance, and even the most seasoned player can get it.

The more I can line up everything in my life so that it’s the Empire State Building and not the leaning Tower of Pisa, the better things seem to go and the more pumped I feel about life.

If I’m feeling suddenly trapped, I try to consider: my values, my partner’s values, my life vision *and how they match it*, and whether I’m being honest about it. [Read: 18 emotions you shouldn’t feel in a healthy relationship]

#3 Keeping your eye out for the Drama Triangle. An infant needs to be looked after. This is the same for somebody who is severely mentally disabled. However, I wouldn’t agree that a partner who cannot get their own life in order is your responsibility.

Sometimes, people will use emotional manipulation consciously or subconsciously to keep you in a relationship with them.

I keep my eye on this by reminding myself of the Drama Triangle. I think of the Drama Triangle as a triangle where at each of the triangle’s 3 points is a different word: victim, rescuer and persecutor.

It’s of my philosophy that the moment you adopt one of these roles, you take away your self-empowerment and make others responsible for what you do or do not do.

For example, if someone is playing the victim, then they’ll make you their rescuer or persecutor. However, I think a healthy relationship is about handling your own shit and inviting others into your life.

If somebody is there to rescue you or be saved to by you, then you become responsible for them and are probably more likely to create the experience of feeling trapped at some point.

You also know they’re more likely to blame you for not saving them or allowing yourself to be rescued. You could also be persecuted when things turn sour.

I’ve even been in a relationship where I was the victim being persecuted, and I almost lived for the chance of being able to prove that I was in the right and she was in the wrong. F-ed up, innit? The Drama Triangle creates many tangled vines.

#4 Asking yourself: am I scared of physical or vindictive consequences? I’ve seen when someone both loves and fears a partner. This can lead them to overlook obvious signs of manipulation and/or abuse.

Perhaps their partner has a bad temper, is physically bullish, or has emotional or financial leverage. Finding others who have been through the same situation – even if it’s online or by reading articles or YouTube videos – can probably help to put this type of situation into context and help with coming to a decision. [Read: 21 big signs of emotional abuse you may be overlooking]

#5 Asking yourself: am I scared of what third parties will say or do? Sometimes your social circle, religion, or culture can cause you to feel as if you don’t have a choice or that you have limited options.

For example, I’ve coached a client who was bound by familial agreements to follow through with an arranged marriage. He looked for people who were dealing with similar situations and found very useful information that helped him to work out the worst-case scenario and balance it against his goals in life.

#6 Asking: am I living at my edge? I first heard of the phrase ‘the edge’ in a book called The Way of The Superior Man by David Deida. I later even wrote a book about it too. I find myself using it in a broad range of contexts because of how important it is, however, I think few people really internalize the edge as a life philosophy.

Think of the edge as a literal edge beyond which is a steep fall to where your fears lie. I think the challenge for us as parents, friends, workers, and artists is to confront this edge in order to keep growing as a person. For example, when I wasn’t pursuing challenging and exciting goals, I wasn’t really living.

Even when I had a secure long-term relationship with a beautiful girl, it fell apart for me, and became a psychological prison, because I’d stopped trying to challenge myself as honestly as I could. When I feel like a prisoner to a relationship that doesn’t serve me, I always ask myself first whether I’m not just a prisoner to my own fears. [Read: How to focus on yourself – 17 ways to make your own sunshine]

#7 Talking to a close friend or family member. I had this habit where I would walk for an hour – and sometimes hours – with a close friend of mine.

It amazed me how after our conversations I would have more context on a nauseatingly claustrophobic home situation. What I saw as idiosyncratic to me would often leave him nodding in fervent agreement: ‘yeah, bro I get the EXACT same thing at home too!’

#8 Looking at your social life. Again, I love the principle of ‘start with yourself.’ It’s my belief that it’s unhealthy to not have a wider network of contacts. I think nature has designed us to seek diversity, and this variation helps us to align and realign our beliefs and patterns of behaviors so that we don’t fall into neurotic habits.

When I had no friends, it was hard for me to appreciate my parents or my sister. And when my social life was bubbling, they all felt more approachable and vibrant. Whenever I have the feeling trapped emotion, only to realize I’d not been out with a friend for too long.

It’s hard to not feel depressed or trapped when you don’t have friends. The world seems more scary and judgmental and you can take out this fear on those closest to you. Psychologists will tell you that having a good social life, two or more close friends, and also family is a key part of emotional health for most people. [Read: How to be more social – 19 ways to genuinely connect with others]

#9 Ask yourself: would I actually miss the person? If the answer’s a hard no, then you have some telling data. I have pretty good emotional control, but I still find myself wanting to cut people off for some silly slight that I think they made towards me: some comment, expression, or reaction. Sometimes I’m over-reacting and take time to calm myself, but other times there is a pattern.

Just asking myself honestly whether I like spending time around someone lets me know whether I would benefit or not from leaving. I’ll ask myself if I’m always left with more energy after interacting with a particular person or less. [Read: 13 creepy signs your friend is secretly an energy vampire]

#10 Ask yourself: what are my responsibilities? I’m not a father, but I’ve seen that even a mother can start to feel trapped by her infant if she has no life for herself.

However, she can’t exactly pack up and dust her hands of him on a moment’s notice. Likewise, for any person who is vulnerable, it may be your responsibility to make sure they are looked after in some way.

#11 Ask yourself: am I scared of commitment/responsibilities? I believe we live in a time when the easier route and meteoric rises are worshiped in media and as part of social norms than is the path of diligent practice and slow growth.

I like to remind myself that with more responsibilities comes richer meaning and fulfillment in life. The opposite path is one where I take no responsibility and always chase the new thing – trying in vain to ignore the emptiness as it widens inside.

[Read: 15 Types of toxic relationships to watch out for]

When you’re feeling trapped in a relationship, it can be confusing. However, I think it’s a feeling that beckons deep and committed introspection and honest assessment in order to grow through it.

The post Feeling Trapped in a Relationship: Should You Stay or Break Free? is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

[sonofnofather]

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      kevinlee1915@live.com

3/6/2017 4:04 PM

Hello Father,

     I've thought a lot about you over the past few years and didn't really know whether or not it was healthy for me to keep the conversation going.  Mainly because I didn't know how to feel.  I don't have a clear sense of family or what family really even means.  I've been doing much soul searching over the past few months which led me to attempt connecting with you again.  I don't      believe that silence is the answer.       I've come to a realization that the first 10-15 years of one's life does dictate much of a person's character into adulthood.  These experiences are just buried into one's subconscious without much acknowledgement.  We should all take this fact into consideration when interacting with others.  Much of what I remember is painful.  So I've buried, and buried until there was no more dirt. So now I have to acknowledge that burying is not the way to handle my issues.

     The conclusion I've come to in regard to how I feel about you is that my mother most likely pushed you away from me.  I can't imagine how it must have felt for you to sign your parental rights over for me, and basically being told to stay away.  I really did need you though, yet I don't resent you for staying away.  I was a very lonely child, and a part of me is still very very lonely (see above).  Even though I have people in my life that care deeply for me, there is a hole in me.  If I were you in the same situation I probably would have acted similarly, knowing how Angela is/was. If I was asked to sign my child over to another then I guess my  head would be pretty f'ed up from that.  

     Anyways, I still have love for you.  And time is passing. Time that we will never get back but, today must be seized.  Hopefully you will get this email.  

     As far as having a relationship with any other  Chapman's...know this.  I see no point in knowing any of them until I truly know you.  Knowing you for real is important to me. I'm not able to pretend.  And I think that the below message hurt  me in a way that the truth is the most important concept that runs      through my mind.  I need to know it all, the good and the positive.  I don't want just the positive because that is not life.  I want to share with you the pain of our distance, I want to cry together.  I want to laugh together.  I want real.  If we are to further communicate, I need to get to the real you, and you  need to know the real me.  My depression and my highs.  

     Lets try this again, if you want.  And if you don't that's cool      too.  I would understand.  

Your first son,

Brandon    

On 5/8/2014 1:12 PM, kevin chapman      wrote:

Brandon,

                        Good  morning. Well I understand your reply to my text, however I don’t completely understand why you would not communicate with Jason even though we had not talked for a while. Seems a little harsh to penalize him for something he did not have any real part in.

You know Brandon, everything is not exactly as it would appear, matter of fact I must admit that yes I should have at least emailed you or even a quick phone call to keep in touch with you and let you know that I am thinking of you.

I just want you to know though that I am going through extremely stressful circumstances since the time we have not  connected. I am in the middle of a nasty foreclosure right now, and the lawyers had to be fired as it was found out that they were also actually retained by the foreclosing bank.  It was by a fluke that it was found out.

Needless to say I’ve been hustling to overcome the learning curve of how to represent oneself and write court papers, and still work and well just live.

Yes, I could have told you about that, but foreclosure, at least for me is a kind of private matter.

Anyway, I just want to let you know that  yes you are in my thoughts and yes you are important to me, but also at the same time maybe, and due to the circumstances, maybe a quick “Hey Pop” from you to break my concentration   at this stressful time would also be o.k., but really I’m not one to count “who       contacts who” or “now it’s his or her turn” kinda thing, that just seems well…you  know.

I hope that your business is doing well,  and that with all  things considered you will continue to communicate with Jason, he is a great guy with a really big heart….

Your Dad who does love you