#i think so often about if the no good parts of you and me we hide by standing back to back

[kithpendragon]

I want to fully endorse the fact that nobody but you can see any part of your internal world and that thoughts do not have any inherent moral value. And then (as it turns out) I'll write a quick overview on the difference between thinking and doing, and on choosing and cultivating thought patterns. May it benefit all that it may.

TLDR: You are not the random thoughts and nobody can see those. You are a whole person with the ability to choose what you do.

Your mind produces widely varied and creative thoughts, and also contains a filter that chooses which thoughts should inform the way you show up in the real world. That's what evolution has selected for us over the last billion or whatever years.

Not every thought is useful or true, and you don't have to endorse them all! You certainly don't have to *act* on all the thoughts, and choosing which thoughts you *should* act on is the work of morality.

I'll say it again but in a different shape:

There are NO "immoral thoughts", only ACTIONS that may produce perceived benefit and/or harm. You get to choose which thoughts eventually become actions.

We may become uncomfortable when some thoughts come up. That's GOOD! That feeling indicates our working ability to quickly detect potential harm to ourselves and others. That feeling is helping to keep you and those around you safe.

When a thought comes up and we find it uncomfortable we can examine it more closely. Then, if appropriate, we can choose to say to ourselves, "Well, that's obviously not something I should do!" Then release the thought back to wherever it came from, and be pleased that the filters are working as they should. The thought is allow to exist; you don't have to do anything else with it.

If you find yourself worrying at a particular thought like a loose tooth, ask yourself "Is this [behavior] useful?". A lot of times that can break the cycle.

Bonus: If you want some thoughts to come up more often, you can practice that! It helps to name the thought - assign it a short phrase or a simple sense impression that you can use to invoke it.[^1] Then simply name that thought as often as you can, and pay close attention to what it means to you. With time, you'll train the brain to think that thought more easily, and it can be there for you to choose from whenever you need it.

Of course, as with anything, if the presence/recurrence of certain thoughts is interfering with your ability to live your life well, it's time to talk to somebody about it.

Remember: you are not the random thoughts and nobody can see those. You are a whole person with the ability to choose what you do.

------------------------------

[^1] It occurs to me that the bit about naming thoughts with phrases or sense impressions could bear some examples.

A smooth stone in your pocket might remind you that breathing deeply helps calm the body down and can "smooth the way", such as it is.

Phrases like "Be happy", "Be strong", "Be safe" can remind us of feelings we want for ourselves and others, especially if you repeat them with a particular person firmly in mind.

The little toy on the desk can remind you not to take everything so seriously all the time.

The feeling of a necklace, bracelet, ring, &c. can remind you of a friend you love.

Get creative - the possibilities are endless!

here's a little reminder that no one can read your mind or see your "weird" or "bad" thoughts and daydreams! mind readers are not real, and your inner world is entirely private. your thoughts and daydreams are not embarrassing or bad, and they do not define your morality!

everyone who keeps saying shit like "sounds like something a mind reader would say" or "mind readers are real actually" i will eat you to death and enjoy every minute of it. not the time or place

[cherrycolored-punk]

best friend!eddie munson x fem!reader

Softember 🍂 prompt: “I used to have the craziest crush on you.” / “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

author’s note: working through this writer’s block pretty nicely (so far), and had to write this. Josh Milligan may or may not be based on real life travesties. Also, if you’ve never seen Some Kind of Wonderful, this is the scene I’m referencing.

warnings: none, only first kisses and sweet confessions. But still - this is an 18+ blog, minors go away!

w/c: 2.2k

Some Kind of Wonderful plays on the television, its image staticky and slightly warped on the barely functioning system. Still, you watch intently. The pivotal scene playing out, the first kiss.

“Amanda Jones is no minor-leaguer who will be swept off her feet at the touch of your amateur lips,” you mouth along with the actress.

It was safe to say you’ve seen this movie, this specific moment, numerous times. Much to Eddie’s chagrin, he hated when you won the weekly bet and got to choose the movie because it was either this or some Molly Ringwald torture flick.

He groans now, throwing his head back against the paisley cushion of his worn down couch. The one you helped him thrift when he moved into his own place. A small apartment close to the mechanic shop that became a second home to you, spending more time here than your own place.

“We’ve seen this a million times, can we please watch something else?” He grumbles, nudging your shoulder but you don’t pay attention. Gaze set intently on the moment the two finally kiss, a romantic push and pull of their lips. Sweet, and soft. Like you’d always hoped your first kiss would be. Instead, it was a nightmare and the memory of it made your stomach churn. Josh Milligan and his too slick lips and his invading tongue.

Bile rose to your throat and you fought the shiver that slowly crawled up your spine.

“Seriously, you know how it ends. Put something else on,” Eddie begged, grabbing your shoulder and shaking you.

You turn to him, mind still elsewhere and not entirely listening to his pleas.

“Do you think they’re actually like that?” You question, turning back to the screen where the two main actors are still embraced.

Eddie follows your gaze, eyebrows pushing together in confusion.

“Huh?”

He’s not entirely following or he’s playing dumb which he often did to get some sort of rise out of you. You roll your eyes, glancing back at him with an impatient glare.

“Y’know,” you nudge him, “the kiss.”

Eddie looks between you and the screen, feeling as though you’re talking in riddles.

“What about it?”

“Are they actually that good?” Your shoulders sag, the yearning for something just as sweet crawling into your chest. Completely overlooking the part where this is a kiss between friends.

Eddie swallows hard, cheeks blushing a pretty shade of pink as his eyes dance between you and the screen. Paying attention for the first time since the two of you initially watched the movie in the theater. Vaguely remembering the plot, the most important detail standing out. The one that you overlooked.

At the time, he’d wondered if your mind had ventured where his always had. Drifting to daydreams of you and him being more than just childhood friends. Deep down, he knew that was a pipe dream. Knew that you were too good for him in every way but the truth didn’t stop his mind now.

He tilts his head, a teasing grin slotting into place as he looks at you, “Wouldn’t you know?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Come on, Princess. Don’t tell me all-star athlete Milligan had amateur lips,” he repeats the line from the movie and you can’t help but laugh. Jaw a little slack in surprise but quickly twisting into a cocky smirk.

“You have been watching!” You push off the couch and point an accusing finger. Eddie scoffs, nudging your hand from his face with a roll of his eyes.

“You’ve made me watch it a dozen times, how could I not catch some of it?” He gives you a bored stare but you don’t miss the slight grin on his face.

“Still watched it,” you grumble under your breath, falling back against the cushion and watching the movie but Eddie isn’t going to give up so easily. The thought staying present in his mind, urging him to ask again. Ask, ask, ask until you give him an answer.

“You didn’t answer my question,” he pushes you again, enjoying the scowl you shoot in his direction.

“Because it was a dumb question,” you sneer but lack any venom. Hell would have to freeze over before you admitted to being less than practiced in the kissing department. Something you knew he’d definitely make fun of you for.

His cinnamon eyes study the side of your face, the heat on your cheeks not missed by his suspicious gaze.

“I knew it!” He shouts suddenly, and you shrink under his innocent scrutiny.

“Knew what?” You tut your tongue, face twisting in feigned confusion. Attempting to cover the obvious.

“Is that why you broke up with him? Kiss was that bad?” He continues to tease, eyes glowing with mirth. Their intensity causing you to crack and break.

“You suck,” You groan, throwing your head back and shutting your eyes. Divulging every last detail of your first and last kiss as you avoid looking directly at him.

“It was so bad, Eds. He left a ring of saliva around my mouth and I swear to fuck he was trying to eat my face.”

Goosebumps rise on your arms and revulsion churns in your gut remembering the sticky ring he left behind when you’d finally left his house.

He laughs, a loud melodic sound that fills his living room causing you to break. You watch him with a glare, crossing your arms over your chest as you do.

“It’s not funny, Eddie,” you pout, and fuck, if he can’t help but find you cute.

His laughs quiet down and he tries to school his face into neutrality, but he can’t fight the smile from spreading across his lips when you look at him like that.

“It’s really not,” he shakes his head, dark curls brushing his shoulders with the movements. He meant what he said, it isn’t funny. A pretty girl like you deserves a good kiss.

“It’s probably my fault anyway,” you shake your head, a little flustered as the embarrassment creeps in and makes a home of your chest.

“I sincerely doubt that,” he scoffs, turning his body to face yours.

“I’m not exactly practiced, Eddie,” you admit with a roll of your eyes, playing with the hem of your dress and wishing the earth would swallow you whole.

Josh had been your first boyfriend, if you could call him that. Some lame-o jock with a nice car and a house to himself most of the time. You were seventeen and never been kissed. Just wanting to get it over with to say you had and you weren’t entirely sure the reason it sucked wasn’t because of you.

Eddie watches the side of your face, the nervous way you bite into your lower lip and stare into the shag carpet lining his hardwood floor.

“I can show you, if you want,” he offers suddenly, catching both of you off guard and you’re not entirely sure what he means.

He knows you better than anyone, can tell you’re confused by the upturn of your brow and the twist of your mouth when you face him.

“I mean, for practice,” he corrects, completely nonchalant and hoping the words are a lot more confident than he feels.

“That wouldn’t be weird?” You question, turning your body to mirror his. Sitting face to face and only inches apart. The smell of his cologne growing stronger, making your mouth water at the scent. Bergamot and tobacco, a small hint of his green apple shampoo.

“‘Course not,” he waves you off and sits a little closer, subtly wiping his sweaty palms along the tops of his jeans.

“What do I do?” You question, hands lifting and unsure of where to place them. Where you can touch him.

He grins, that megawatt smile that always had your heart racing. Less mischievous and more inviting than before, the dimple deepening in his cheek.

“Here,” he grabs your hands and wraps them around his neck, patting them softly. As though instinctively, your fingers curl in his hair. Wrapping dark brown waves around your fingers absently.

“And my hands would go here,” he grips your hips softly, your bodies moving closer until your chests brush and you wonder if he can feel how your heart thrums in your chest.

“Still with me?” He grins and you give him an uncertain smile, a small nod because the words are lodged in your throat.

“I’d tilt my face this way,” he moves his head, “and you’d tilt yours the other.”

You follow his instruction, gaze dancing between his cinnamon eyes and the plush of his lips.

He leans closer, and your eyes flutter close. Time slows until it stops altogether when you feel the gentle press of his mouth against yours.

Eddie’s lips are softer than you thought they’d be, mouth sweet like the chai tea he’d been sipping. He takes his time, focusing on your bottom lip and then your top one. A languid push and pull, his hand reaching up to cup your face. To hold you close. Making you melt where you sit, forget how to breathe as you follow his lead.

The kiss grows more intense, and you nip at his bottom lip without thinking. Tugging it gently, sucking it sweet and making him groan.

He pulls away when he hears himself, too afraid to get lost in how you feel, how you taste, when this is supposed to be practice.

His hands remain on your face, pale skin blushed and brown eyes burning with something you can’t name.

“I don’t think you were the problem,” his voice is just above a whisper, your hands still tangled in his hair.

“No?” You repeat, mind still mush. Still focused on his lips.

“Definitely not,” he shakes his head and you fight the urge to kiss him again.

This was just a lesson, you tell yourself and loosen your grip. Hands falling to your sides.

Inside, Eddie is fighting a silent battle. Debating whether to tell you the truth or keep it his best kept secret. How would he even tell you?

Hey, I’ve always had a thing for you?

Could we be more than just friends?

“That’s better than what I could’ve imagined,” or that.

Idiot, he squeezes his eyes shut. Avoiding your surprised gaze, hoping to whatever god that you didn’t hear him but knowing you definitely did.

“W-what?” You stammer, unsure if you heard him right. Did he just say that?

Eddie shrugs, “Oh, c’mon,” he says your name with a shake of his head, opening his eyes and glancing down at his lap. You watch him pick at the frayed hole in his black jeans.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t know,” his voice is thick, lower than before and your face twists as you shake your head.

“Know what?”

The anticipation builds with every second that passes and he doesn’t respond. Building up the courage to say all that he hadn’t before.

“I used to have the craziest crush on you,” he laughs but it’s smaller than before. Your mouth goes dry and your palms sweat as you stare. Heart skidding to a stop because you never thought, never knew, that he felt that way about you.

“The look on your face tells me you didn’t,” he chuckles again, circling your face with one of his ringed fingers but still avoiding your gaze. You can see a hint of uncertainty there, a worry glimmering in them and you want to say something. Anything. To reassure him that you felt that, still feel the same. Have always felt the same but the words are lost on your tongue. Mind stuck on the kiss, his confession, and trying to pinpoint a sign or a clue.

With each passing second, Eddie feels more uncomfortable. More awkward than before.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t expect-“ he starts but you shake your head

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” You cut him off.

“Because you’re my best friend for some reason and I knew that was already an anomaly. No way you like the town freak as more than a friend,” he shrugs, using self-deprecation as a shield to lessen the inevitable rejection.

You swallow down any fear of repudiation that you’d held onto all of these years.

“So you liked me?” You clarify, trying to see if it’s present or past tense. He squirms a little under your attention giving himself away and you can’t help the goofy grin that spreads across your kiss swollen lips.

“Oh that’s funny to you, Princess?” He jokes but the color of his cheeks deepen until they’re a vibrant red.

“You’re so clueless for someone so smart, Munson,” you shake your head and he finally looks up at you.

You’ve always thought he was handsome, good-looking in every way. From the sharpness of his jaw, to the prominent apples of his cheeks and the roundness of his nose. The kind of cute that was hard to miss, hard to stop staring at when you started. Just like now. Your eyes trace over the freckles dotting his alabaster skin and to his lips. A small countdown in your head and when it reaches zero, you’ll finally have the courage to lean in. For this to be more than just practice.

Three

Two

One

Eddie meets you halfway, his hands on your waist and your hands holding his neck. A soft peck that blossoms into something more. Exploring the plush of his lips, memorizing the way they curve under your kiss. How he sighs, happily, as the seconds drag on.

No, kisses weren’t meant to be rushed or make you nauseous. They were meant to be this. A rush of excitement, the thud of your heart, the way the world around you fades away until all you can feel is Eddie. Your best friend Eddie. All the stereotypical descriptors couldn’t do this justice.

—

thank you for reading! xx el

[swappermanent]

Gym Crush (Part 2)

Read Part 1 by @exploratorytfs.

It’s been a year and a half since the swap, and not a day goes by that I don’t think about how crazy it all was. You might be wondering—why would I trade the life I had? I mean, I had it pretty damn good.

Before all this, I was hot. Not just passable, but the kind of hot that turned heads. I had worked my ass off to look the way I did—hours at the gym, eating clean, all of it. And then there was Edgar. God, Edgar. This dude was a walking Greek statue: broad shoulders, a thick chest, veins for days. I mean, it wasn’t just the muscles; it was the way he carried himself. Confidence, swagger, like he knew he could get whatever he wanted. And yeah, I guess at the time, he was my boyfriend.

But even with all of that—being hot, dating a hunk like Edgar—I just couldn’t do it anymore.

You’re probably thinking I’m nuts. I mean, guys like Edgar don’t come around often, especially not for guys like me. Let’s be real, most dudes who look like him wouldn’t even give a trans guy like me the time of day. So, yeah, I was lucky. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself. I should’ve been happy, but the truth is... I wasn’t.

Why? Well, Edgar. He wanted me to be this perfect, submissive, fem bottom. And look, I’ve got nothing against that. There are guys out there who rock that vibe, who own it, and good for them. That’s just not who I am.

I know, I know—saying this out loud would probably get me canceled in half the gay bars across the country. But I really am masc for masc. Always have been. I’m not saying it to be some sort of gatekeeper or anything; it’s just... that’s what I’ve always wanted for myself.

And it’s not just about who I’m attracted to—it’s about me, too. My whole life, I’ve been trying to prove I’m man enough. To the world. To other guys. Hell, even to myself.

Transitioning was the first step, obviously. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted to look the part, you know? That’s why I inked myself up. And the gym was my second home, but even after countless hours of sweat and dedication, I could never quite bulk up. No matter how much protein I shoved down or how hard I lifted, my frame stayed twinky.

Don’t get me wrong—there were plenty of guys who loved me for it. I mean, twinks are kind of a whole thing, right? A lot of guys would’ve killed to look like I did, but that wasn’t the point. It didn’t feel like me. I didn’t just want to be a guy; I wanted to be a man. The kind of man Edgar was.

And Edgar... he didn’t see me that way. Sure, he’d call me hot, touch me like he couldn’t get enough, but then he’d taunt me. He’d weaponize my body. Every time he called me “pussy boy” or made some comment about how he was more of a man than I was, it chipped away at me. He might’ve thought it was playful, but to me it was cruel. And I couldn’t take it anymore.

Initially, I thought if I just stuck it out, maybe things would change. Maybe he’d see me differently, respect me more. He didn’t. My self-esteem tanked. I started dreading the time we spent together, and eventually, I just... stopped putting out.

And of course, that’s when things really fell apart. Edgar doesn’t do well with rejection—big shocker, right? So yeah, I wasn’t exactly surprised when Edgar came sliding back into my DMs after. But honestly, I wasn’t planning on responding. I’d already been down that road, and I’d told myself after the last time—no more.

Still, when I saw what he was pitching, I couldn’t help but be curious. Swapping bodies with a cis guy? At first, I rolled my eyes. Like, thats even possible. But the more I thought about it, the more curious I got.

The guy Edgar had in mind? Not exactly a stunner. When Edgar sent me his photo, I remember staring at it for way longer than I should’ve, trying to pick out anything redeeming. The dude was... average. A little too soft in the face, a little too plain. But, to be fair, there was some potential there. Barely.

His eyes were nice, though—kind of soulful, in a way that made you think he might be a good guy deep down. And the kicker? He was taller than me by a good 6  inches. That alone had my interest. But let’s not kid ourselves; the real selling point was the fact that he had a cock.

That was the dream, wasn’t it? My own cock. I’d spent years dealing with the disappointment of not being able to fully live out the life I wanted. Transitioning had given me so much, but this? This was the missing piece. In this kid’s body, I could finally live out the fantasy that had been sitting in the back of my mind for years.

I could be the top I’d always wanted to be. I could take guys home, pin them down, and breed them with my own cock and fill them with my own cum. No more strap-ons, no more awkward positioning—just me, fully in charge, giving them EVERY. SINGLE. INCH.

Maybe with a little muscle here, a little polish there, I could make it something great.

So I said yes.

I’m not gonna lie—the first year in this body wasn’t easy. Adjusting to a new frame, new habits, new... everything? Yeah, it was a grind. But if there’s one thing I’ve always had, it’s work ethic. Between that and this body’s naturally high testosterone—and okay, yeah, I might’ve dipped into some steroids here and there—I’d say I built myself up pretty damn good.

Look at me now. I run my own training service. I mean, it’s not like I’m the most skilled coach out there or anything. But honestly? That doesn’t seem to matter much. Guys line up for my programs, and we all know why. They don’t just want my advice—they want to look like me. I’m walking inspiration. Living proof that the dream is achievable, or at least that’s how they see it.

And man, the way people treat me now? Everyone’s calling me “bro” or “dude” every other sentence. Not that they didn’t before—I’ve always leaned into that vibe—but there’s something about hearing it now that hits different. Maybe it’s the weight of my cock swinging in my shorts as they say it. It’s like the final piece of the puzzle clicked into place. Everything just feels... right.

And the best part? This manhood of mine? Oh, it’s gotten around.

I mean, come on. Looking like this, how could it not? Guys want me. They crave me. They crave my fleshy, thick, no kidding, natural, beer can of a cock throbbing inside of them.They’ll do whatever it takes to get a night with me, and honestly, who could blame them?

[caughtthedarkness93]

Ok, I guess I gotta talk about that one scene in Dragon Age: The Veilguard eventually because I've heard about discourse regarding it and it's driving me up a wall with how some of the criticism ignores key context from the rest of the story that informs how it's written. Spoilers for Taash's storyline follow below the cut.

So I mainly have seen this referenced on TV Tropes because I am not on the hellscape that is Twitter, but people, it seems, have been criticizing the scene where Taash comes out as nonbinary to their mom for how they get pissed at how their mom takes it. Often this is used to frame Taash as being unreasonable as their mom is struggling to understand what that means.

And I feel like that criticism kind of misses a big part of what that scene is actually about. Because Taash's relationship with their mom is complicated. This is something that their storyline stresses repeatedly. Taash has fond memories of growing up with their mom and knows that she basically gave up her whole culture to ensure that Taash wouldn't be forced into a soldier's life. It's clear that their mom is still very attached to Qunari culture and she outright expresses a couple times that she feels like being a Qunari scholar equipped her extremely poorly to actually raise a child. That checks out - under the Qun, that would be someone else's job entirely.

So this informs a lot of Taash's relationship with her - Taash recognizes that she gave up a very privileged position with the Qunari for their sake. Because she wanted a better life for them than what they'd get there. That's a huge sacrifice.

However, you watch how they interact, you can see that Taash's mom is also very critical of them and very controlling. She doesn't care much for Taash's privacy, tries to make a lot of their decisions for them without putting a lot of thought into what they actually want, and she is extremely critical of them sometimes about things that don't really matter.

So we get to that scene late in their storyline - the Lighthouse dinner. I think the critical mistake a lot of people make when looking at this scene is thinking that it's about how she reacts to Taash's gender identity.

Which that informs it, sure, but there's more to it. When Taash yells that nothing they do is good enough for their mom, it's not a reaction to how she responds to their identity, it's a reaction to the way their whole relationship has been built up throughout the game. It's the straw that broke the camel's back. And it's true to Taash's character.

One of the things that I like about Taash is that they're someone who likes a straightforward, direct solution to most problems. Thing in your way? Break it. Big scary monster? Kill it. They like to be able to take the most simple, direct path through a problem, preferably one that involves slaying a big monster, and Veilguard constantly puts them in situations where that isn't an option. And in those situations, they struggle a lot. Taash struggles to get along with Emmerich because that involves overcoming internalized prejudices (and understandable ones too - necromancy is something that would probably make a lot of people uncomfortable irl and for a culture where cremation is the norm and undead can be a legit issue, that would go, like, quadruple - of course they're uncomfortable with Emmerich). That's not an easy thing to do because it involves a lot of introspection and interrupting thoughts that you've been trained to think. Taash questions their gender identity. Definitely no easy, straightforward way to solve that. They angst a lot over being afraid they're broken somehow for feeling these things. A fraught, complicated relationship with a parent who sacrificed everything so that you would have a better life, but can't seem to bring herself to let you actually live it the way you want? Can't hit that with an axe.

And ultimately, that's what's happening in this scene - the whole game, we've seen Taash struggle with this really complex, nuanced relationship, this mother who clearly loves them and wants the best life possible for them, but struggles to understand what their child really needs and often says or does things that are hurtful. In this scene, this bubbling, brewing resentment, definitely exacerbated by Taash being outside their mom's orbit and with a team that has more faith in their skills and abilities, finally comes to a head.

The scene is only about Taash's identity on the most surface of levels. Yeah, that's what sparks the argument, but it's not what the argument is about.

[scentedluminarysoul]

Yeah, gotta say as well, I'm not super excited to post new chapters sometimes. Like, I get comments, and it's great, some frequent flyers. But only on day one or two, rarely later. And then I just. Tend to forget honestly. Life goes on. And I think, maybe people just don't care.

But then I get a new comment, whether it be a newcomer or "an old friend" who's rereading, and I immediately want to publish more to get their opinions

But man. Even when I ask what people thought? Barely anyone says. I want to hear what you loved, what you didn't, what theories you have!

And I think this is in part due to creative work being reduced to "content". It's content people consume and then go to the next piece of content. People don't engage with fandom anymore. I'm old, I've been in fandom for 20 years, and it was so different back then. Now I have people just telling me to update, or asking why character X did Y. Dear readers: that's for you to ponder.

So I think in part it's also the erosion of good TV shows, actually. Used to be we had 22-24 episodes and the story unfolded slowly, questions left unanswered. Now? Shows drop all episodes at once, and only 6 of them, so we gotta speedrun, and we better explain everything every five minutes for the people on their phones.

Anyway, sorry, rambling.

Point is:

Tell an author that you liked their story!

If you're shy, or don't speak the language, that's fine! I have regulars who only comment emojis, or who comment in their native language (Spanish, Russian), or run their comment through translate to post in English.

It's fine! Emojis show emotion. And translators exist!

Just please, as a writer, I beg of you:

Comment.

Don't lock yourselves away, discussing a fic. If you like it, let the author know!

A friend of mine also spent so much time and effort plotting out a huge event in their fic, the grand finale, 30k+ words over multiple chapters, and they received barely any feedback. They were so bummed out and almost quit and deleted. They were depressed about it. And it was so good! You could tell they put so much soul into it to make it perfect. It just sucks when people don't say anything.

I often lack the energy for a long comment, so I'll just drop a short one. "I loved it! Thank you for writing!" and sometimes I go back later and leave a longer one when I have the spoons. But I want to leave something, because I know how it is

Because here's the other thing: fanfics aren't social media. You can still comment on fics that are finished and years old. I've seen people write new chapters on abandoned fics because of a single new comment!

Fandom creators provide fanworks for free. We put our heart and soul and whole pussy into it. And all we ask for in return is a little bit of appreciation

I apologize again for the rant

A writer friend told me something that broke my heart a little bit today; they're going to quit publishing their fanfic.

My instant thought was that they had been trolled or attacked or that something terrible had happened in their life because this person is so passionate about their writing. It wasn't any of that. Engagement with their works has been going down, as it has for many of us. Comments are like gold dust a lot of the time, and just looking through the historical comment counts on old fics on ao3 demonstrates this trend very clearly. It was not simply the comments dropping off which caused them to decide to stop posting, however.

My friend came across a discord server for their fandom (I should point out here that their fandom interest and mine diverged a couple of years ago, we stay in touch but don't currently read each other's posts because I'm not into their fandom and they would rather gouge their eyes out with a wooden spoon than read anything Star Wars) and specifically to share fic in that fandom. They joined, because we all love a good fic rec, only to discover that their latest multichapter fic, which has almost no comments and very few kudos, is being hotly discussed in this server as one of the best stories ever. Not one of these people has bothered to say this to them on the fic. When they asked, none of participants could see the point in telling the author of the fic they apparently loved so much that they love it.

This discovery has absolutely destroyed my friend's love of sharing fic. They share because they love seeing other people's enjoyment, and fic writers do that through comments and kudos/reblogs/likes because we don't get paid. There is no literary critic writing a blog post/article about how amazing the story is for us to copy and keep/frame. There is no money from royalties. All we have are the words of the people reading our works.

Those people on that server could have taken five minutes of the time they spent gushing about how amazing my friend's story was to other people and used it to tell the one person guaranteed to want to hear that praise how much they loved it. They could have taken a moment to express their opinion to the person who spent hours upon hours plotting, writing, editing, and posting those chapters. Instead, they deprived my friend of thing that keeps them sharing their writing, and in the process have killed their love of it. My friend now feels used and unmotivated.

I won't be sharing a link to their fic, they said I could share their experience but not their identity. I know they plan to post one final chapter. I know they intend to express their hurt at being excluded from the praise for the thing they created, and I know they intend to announce that as a consequence they will not be posting for a long while, if at all.

So please, I beg you, don't hide your love of a story from the writer. It's just about the only thing we have.

[userautumn]

i need to have this on my blog and then i need to never think about liam payne or one direction ever again (until july 23rd. naturally.)

sitting here on the day of his funeral, i realize i have yet to articulate all my thoughts and feelings surrounding liam's death. the way he died haunts me, and the patchwork good-and-bad of his legacy in the eyes of the public is a quilt left unfinished. that bothers me the most. the finality bothers me. not in a depressing way, in an annoying way. the itch in my brain that regards death with a blase practicality goes to war with the author in me who likes to tie character arcs off with a nice, satisfying bow, but both sides hate when things are left unspoken and unsaid. that shouldn't be allowed; a person shouldn't be allowed to die when so many parts of their story are left unwritten. that doesn't seem fair. but if the concept of fair truly existed, i'm not really sure we would be here anyway.

there are so many aspects to liam's person that i have pondered over these past four weeks. and as i sit here trying to articulate these aspects in a tumblr post that is, alarmingly, shaping up to look like something of an obituary, i realize that to try to articulate these feelings is a losing battle. to do so now would be to shift all the thoughts that are currently in my head from where they are (my job and the implications of the us election) to where i'd need them to be (my youth, and the impact one direction had on my life when i was young) in order to make the words and feelings stick, and i can't (won't) do that right now.

what i will say is that liam payne was young. he burned bright like a falling star. my relentless optimism and faith in his inherent goodness believes he would have rebuilt himself one day if he'd given himself the chance. but what ifs and speculations are often poisonous and misleading and, as they will never come to fruition, they're meaningless to ponder anyway. i mourn who liam was in his youth; i mourn that floppy haired boy with the bright smile and the spoonphobia (ha.) i mourn who he was at the time of his death, a man who was lost and absent from reality because his current chapter held no joy and no hope, no promise of change. and i mourn who he never got to become, because all those version of liam payne are, indeed, versions of liam payne. and i had (and still have) so much love for that person.

i've never been a "rest in peace, i'll see you again soon </3" kind of person because, well, i've always found it to be corny, if i'm honest. (no offense or judgement to anyone who grieves that way). as mentioned, i approach death very practically and matters of the afterlife and faith are met with the same complexity. i don't know if we'll see liam again. but i do know that liam payne exists to me as he always has - as a voice playing through my speakers, as a kind face on youtube, and i am thankful for the years in which i got to exist at the same time as him. what a gift and a treasure they were.

[lazycranberrydoodles]

hi i don't know if i have questions specifically but want you to know i'm obsessed with your transfem hua cheng and he xuan and that it's super meaningful to me to see other people doing transfem characters and headcanons and I love to see it and love your art so much too so thank you for doing that!!!

yw!!!

hua cheng and he xuan have such interesting relationships to their bodies and powers. to me, trans headcanons not only acknowledge their complex identities within the text, but also add a layer of meaning. plus i just love drawing and writing girls.

more of my thoughts on trans & tfem huaxuan below.

⚠️warnings for: mention of transphobia, canon typical violence, tgcf spoilers⚠️

hua cheng is incredibly metaphorically trans. being born under the star of solitude with a cursed eye, he spent his childhood enduring abuse and covering up his face. (one thing that especially sticks with me for a transmasculine headcanon is that he is smaller than expected for a 10 year old, canonically due to malnutrition). still, he snuck into the army out of a sense of duty (re: tmasc hc, i believe he lied about both his age and his gender to enlist). however, to become crimson rain sought flower, instead of harming others, he wrenches the source of his pain (his eye) out of his body with his own hands. once he removes his eye, instead of dying like a weaker spirit would have, he becomes much more powerful and starts forging an identity for himself. his self-mutilation doesn't just free him from the burden of his cursed eye; he eventually claims blood as his signature. for his whole life, hua cheng has been injured and beaten, but after tong'lu, blood becomes a symbol of his power. his blood rain shows that he does not shy away from brutality and that he feels at home within violence.

this is why i'm always talking about hua cheng's DIY top surgery within the kiln. hua cheng carved up his own body in a way that massively empowered him. he reclaims violence as his own natural habitat, rather than something he has been forced to endure. i think this is very transgender; transphobic rhetoric often labels medical transition as mutilation, but to many of us, that is how we become our true selves. it is a tool to make us stronger.

hua cheng's story is about self-determination. despite his circumstances, he was able to literally brute force fate and luck into his favor with the power of his devotion. i also like to read ghost city (and hua cheng's other miscellaneous acts of good) as a metaphor for disability. to the public, it's dangerous and sinful, but in actuality it is hua cheng's way of 'saving the common people'. ghost city provides safe haven for the undead and their wares, making both the mortal and ghost realms safer. the traditional channel for serving believers is from heaven, but hua cheng forged his own path and refused to take part in its corrupt system. he has a radically different approach to executing his goals, so he is excommunicated and misunderstood outside of the vilified community that he provides a home for (the ghost city residents).

it's important to me that hua cheng is trans -- whether in hualian or hualesbians -- because her story revolves around forging her own path, turning the parts of her body that she hated into sources of power, and defining herself (SHE NAMED HERSELF FLOWER CITY!!!). as a spirit, she hangs around because she wants to be the best version of herself: not out of self-love, but because she is a means to an end (the end being xie lian's will).

beefleaf are literally genderfluid in the text. i personally read shi qingxuan as a trans woman rather than genderfluid because she is 1) more powerful as a woman and 2) does it for fun -- being a woman brings her joy. she begrudgingly turns back into a man when her brother tells her she needs to be more proper. additionally, she was raised as a girl and -- iirc -- doesn't have a problem with this.

he xuan, in addition switching back and forth between male and female forms, also has a very trans narrative. they were literally forced to live the wrong life. his power, similarly to hua cheng's, also comes from their body (eating other ghosts). however, hers is additive. she, to me, is the type of trans person that doesn't see their transition as a loss of anything, only a gain (hua cheng, on the other hand, enthusiastically lost his weakened past self). hua cheng killed the girl he used to be, while he xuan morphed into an unrecognizable, more powerful version of herself. hua cheng purposefully built his ideal self, while he xuan strayed from her AGAB more passively.

i don't think that he xuan would crossdress with shi qingxuan if she didn't want to. even if that was the case, i think their woman-sona is very developed for a guy that reportedly doesn't like it. in my headcanon, she is still in denial by the end of the novel. i think that both his love for shi qingxuan AND the unsettling feeling of gender dysphoria would keep him from dissipating. my final and silliest reason for headcanoning he xuan as nonbinary tfem is that she eats a ton because she's on estrogen and is trying to gain boob weight.

tl;dr: trans women can accumulate power by cutting out their eyes and eating ghosts and i think that's awesome

[imperatorrrrr]

Why is Jack public enemy number 1? Sorry I don’t go on twitter but I keep seeing it here on tumblr

According to some folks on Tumblr, Jack Hughes didn't smile at them or was rude to them or something at the team signing event last night.

Anon, you're in for a treat, because I will be defending a white man on main. lets go!

I want to first reiterate a few things...

this was a team signing event. not a meet and greet. meaning, Jack Hughes and the other players were there to sign things, any further interaction or anything would have been a plus. I think someone actually shared the rules of the event on twt, posted below. you couldn't even take selfies or pictures with the players. it was literally just a line where you handed over something that you wanted signed and it got signed. of course, there were players that personalized the signatures or let people take selfies and posed with them, but this wasn't actually a part of the experience nor should it have been an expectation.

2. this is not "part" of Jack's job or any hockey players job for that matter. I think people need to realize that although hockey players are celebrities in a certain sense of the word, their interactions with fans are not a necessary part of their job. I'm seeing a bunch of people say that he's being unprofessional and if he can't be good with fans than he shouldn't be a hockey player, and thats, frankly, idiotic. Jack's job is being a hockey player. that is what he gets paid to do. anything on top of that is on top not a part of his job. please understand that a hockey player does not need to have a social media presence to do their job, doesn't ever need to interact with fans to do their job, and actually can play a hockey game without any fans and still get paid!

3. I genuinely don't believe any of the things being said on Tumblr are actually true or if these incidents of him being "rude" did occur I don't believe they're being interpreted the right way or are being relayed in the right context. Rather, I feel like this is just another instance of folks looking for a reason to dislike or even hate Jack. he's a very easy player to dogpile on because of how he plays and how he is portrayed by the media and his fanbase. you don't need a reason to hate the dude, go on and hate him, but please stop making up stories.

anyway...

as far as things I have seen and first person accounts I've been told, Jack was perfectly normal with everyone and especially nice to the kids.

folks are just mad that he didn't rise to whatever lofty expectations people had of Jack during a team signing event where everyone's time with the players was incredibly short and heavily policed. maybe be upset with how it was organized (like why did they have three player tables, it didn't make any sense!).

plus, I have seen several accounts of people hearing folks in line talking shit about Jack while waiting for him, so like what exactly do you expect to happen when he hears you waiting in line for his autograph and being entitled to his time and his generosity and you're chatting shit? like that he's gonna be all sunshine and roses with you? naaaaaaaah.

and finally, we speak so often about respecting the privacy of these players, taking into account their mental health, etc. but then you're gonna turn around and judge someone because they didn't do exactly what you wanted to do when you met them for fifteen seconds? so we're giving grace to players on one end and turning around and blasting other players. make it make sense.

this is essentially the "people pay to watch me play" incident all over again where that quote is taken out of context and then everyone and their mother runs with it because Jack is a very easy target.

[pink-ivy-vines]

what it honestly feels like they did was take the concept of native rivaini people stealing their culture before the rich andrastian nobles could and then turned that on... every other culture? like, it makes sense that rivaini pirates are stealing their own history before it could become a showpiece for some asshole chantry bootlicker who approved of the dairsmuid circle being annulled in 9:40 dragon. and it makes a little bit of sense for the qunari ones because rivain is the only country in thedas that had a peaceful qunari settlement. it does not work with the elven artifacts.

my first playthrough of the game was as a lord of fortune, and i liked it a lot, but there is this really weird disconnect between what taash thinks is happening in the lords and what rook sees in the lords. rook acknowledges that they're thieves. that they steal things. in fact, one of the most interesting moments of the game for me was rook trying to connect to taash through being a lord and taash shutting it down by saying "we're not thieves" and rook saying "UM. yes we are?" then gives a very pointed example about said thievery. because the lords do steal things. sometimes they do it just because it's funny.

but taash doesn't recognize this? or doesn't believe it and sees it through these rose-tinted glasses? with every other faction i've played you're able to connect to the other character from that faction in some way. you chat with them, talk to them, and your shared history comes up often.

that does not happen with a lords of fortune rook. in fact, the only time i've ever actually seen rook uncomfortable is talking about the lords of fortune to taash. because rook tries really hard to connect with them about it and then is clearly shut down at the get-go due to their vastly different viewpoints on what the lords actually do. it's almost as though both of them have wildly different perceptions about what goes on in the lords and this is fascinating and interesting and also never brought up again.

sure, it's hinted at; isabela does not take taash on anything remotely political, doesn't bring them into dragon hoards, and tends to have taash there only for advice on dragons. rook was much more involved in the 'delving into temples and ruins' and has a much closer relationship to isabela than taash does.

some part of me actually thinks that taash's storyline should have been about realizing that the lords aren't exactly the goody-two-shoes that were presented to them. that they do commit crimes and maybe that can be good in some ways (in regards of fighting against the chantry in their country) and bad in others (like stealing and selling elven artifacts).

of course, all this also just exemplifies the problem that you bring up; which is that the lords do have good things that they're doing as well as some bad things. they're in a weird situation where they're fighting to help people, but rivain has been the subject of so many genocides and massacres that they are trying to survive the only way they know how; through piracy.

yet the only person you can talk to in a meaningful way sees them as a weird abstract painting of themselves and when you play as a lord of fortune it still never gets resolved or pointed out. it just becomes more obvious.

I got a party banter between Bellara and Taash about how the Lords of Fortune steal elven artifacts. And then Taash clarifies later that they have a Dalish expert on the team so they can check to make sure the Lords don't sell something culturally important and instead return it to the elves.

Like. I get it. You want the Lords to be fun swashbuckler Disney pirates and Robin Hoods instead of actual pirates who steal and plunder. Because we're only now in Western society realizing that stealing from indigenous groups is, uh, bad. But like. Writing really uninteresting factions for your "dark" fantasy (tho lbr Dragon Age hasn't been dark fantasy since DA2) isn't gonna solve real-world neo-colonialism, ya know? The Lords not stealing priceless elven artifacts and returning them to the elves doesn't signal to me that the Lords are total rascally good guys, it signals to me that BioWare itself is trying really hard to seem morally conscious. "See? We know stealing from other cultures is bad!!!"

And man. Not to be a "political correctness has poisoned media" grifter on main (tbh it's less political correctness itself and more the commodification of real-world activism) but I couldn't help but imagine how this convo would've played out in earlier games, potentially even Inquisition.

You could've so EASILY made this interesting while giving the Lords and Taash and Bellara a lot more depth, while also making it clear that stealing from indigenous groups is wrong.

Just have the Lords, yeah, actually sell those artifacts. But also establish that the Lords take in and help elves from all walks of life. That they free slaves, or collaborate with alienages. Then you could have Taash defend the practice by saying to Bellara that little orphaned elf kids being sold as slaves probably don't give a flying fuck about some artifacts they're never gonna see, but the money from selling those artifacts goes to buying them food. And have Bellara fire back that preserving elven culture is also part of its survival, and that there are Dalish clans that would be willing to pay for them or offer something in return. Or have her say that the Lords are doing charity for the sake of recruitment rather than actual altruism. And then Taash responds that those high and mighty Dalish elves don't do shit to help abandoned city elves, just because those aren't part of their correct elven subculture, and they care more about reclaiming old glory than helping the people that exist here and now.

Then you could have side missions or at least codex entries that describe maybe some Lord recruit being conflicted about what they're doing. Maybe a few of them are collaborating to hijack a deal or steal back an artifact. Have implications that some high-ranking Lords are, in fact, using those artifacts for their own gain, despite claiming otherwise. Have some Lords genuinely trying to help, and believing that gold and trinkets don't matter as much as people's lives, so they sell them in exchange for safety for refugees or slaves or some other helpless group.

But no. Instead it's "hey do you steal from my people?" "nah lmao we have a cultural advisor don't even worry about it" "oh wow so cool and woke of you!" And then that's it. No need for any further discussion. No conflict and no complexity. No bad actors and moral quandaries.

Weh.

[irohsteaa]

is it me or I think there is some misogyny within the monster fandom..i mean people treat Eva and Vera as the worst people in the wolrd when I can think of much worser characters,and they boil down Nina to "a nice girl" and ignore all her complexities,symbolism and narrative importance and say "she isnt that well developed and not important to plot"

Misogyny certainly plays a role here, it's esp. evident with how the fandom treats Eva (esp. before she grew as a character; and even after she grows, it's mostly about "she stopped harassing Tenma" and her relationship with Martin, while the more important thing here (imo)—how she started to take care of herself and stopped defining herself through the men in her life—is underdiscussed).

But I think it'd be reductive to say that the way the audience sees the women in Monster is only a result of misogyny; I think a crucial aspect here is the way the female characters are written and how they're treated by the male cast.

I think it's one of the many traps laid by Urasawa, traps that are very easy to fall into (which is perfectly understandable with a complex work filled with so many characters). I also fell into them: my first reaction to Eva was "oh, here we go again, female characters written by dudes" (yeah, Monster taught me to stop yapping about shit without 1) finishing it 2) looking at it carefully, because the devil is the details).

So what exactly are the traps built of?

Cliches

Subtle characterization and/or an apparent lack of information that shows in, for example, the namelessness or very little time on screen.

The fact that a large part of the story is the lack of a story.

Ad 1. I think a big part of Monster is the way it plays with cliches (and it does so boldly; it isn't afraid to introduce us to the most overused cliches and turn them into little storytelling gems), so of course there're also many female character cliches: the love interests, the damsels in distress, the naive & clueless woman, etc.

And when you don't pay attention, it's easy to think that these cliches are everything that can be told about these characters. When we stop here, we miss so many details that reveal the more complex character behind these cliches.

Ad 2. I think Nina is a perfect example of how the subtle characterization can leave many people thinking that she's underdeveloped, irrelevant to the plot, and just an addition to Tenma and Johan.

We also don't have access to her direct point of view, but I don't think it's necessary here and I think we don't have access to it for a very good reason; women are still seen mainly as caregivers, as people who serve others, and are socialized to be nice from a very young age. This can lead to ignoring one's own needs and, in consequence, losing yourself.

And Nina is a character who fits into this role perfectly; she's often shown serving others, bringing kindness where it's needed, being a beam of hope, etc. She's also very often overshadowed by her brother; she's referred to by other characters as "Johan's sister", as if this was the most important information about her.

Heck, Johan even takes away from her the monster title; the reasons behind it are, of course, ambiguous, but it doesn't change the fact that it was her who was kidnapped to the Red Rose Mansion and it was her whose memories were taken away.

And she's clearly upset when Johan tells her that it is his story to tell.

One of my favorite examples of her subtle characterization is the fact that in the beginning of the story, she wants to be a public prosecutor, and by the end, she wants to be a lawyer. It seems like a small change, but it tells a lot about how much her worldview changed.

When it comes to the namelessness and the little time on screen, a good example of it would be Věra. Please keep in mind that we only learn about her possible name in Another Monster; why do I say it's only possible? Because the only source of this name is one person interviewed by Weber, and the person identified Věra via a sketch. I wouldn't call this the most reliable source.

But let's get back to the main topic; what's the reason behind both the lack of a name and the little time on screen? It's Bonaparta.

Bonaparta doesn't let us see much of her, he doesn't let us learn her real name. But even when we see so little of her, we can still see someone compelling and complex, we see a wide range of emotions, we see her determination, we see who she could be if it wasn't for her circumstances, we see her deep guilt and fragility by the end of the story, we see someone who Bonaparta initially dismissed ("you are a funny woman" etc.) only to end up obsessed with her.

But since it's only a matter of a few panels and she's mainly discussed by other characters as the mother of the twins, it's easy for the audience to a) see her as a bad mother, b) think she's unfairly treated by the manga.

I don't think she's treated unfairly by the manga, I think she's one of the most important characters in Monster and it isn't merely because she's the mother of the twins, it's because we can see so much of her in other Monster characters: in the nameless, the dismissed, the robbed of a better future, the reduced to a certain role, all the characters we simply do not know a thing about their minds and that quite possibly, behind the awful clichés, there were in them gardens and twilights, and palace gates.

(I tried to stop myself from babbling about Lolita, but it's not my fault the quote fits so well here.)

Ad 3. I mentioned the lack of the story partially in Ad 2., but there are so many other examples: the little girl who lives with Hugo Bernhardt, Richard Braun's daughter and wife, Lunge's daughter and wife (the difference between how Richard sees his family vs. how Lunge sees his family is shown in the narration as well), Martin's mother and girlfriend etc.

Thanks for the ask! ‎(^人^)

[kybercrystals94]

✨333 CELEBRATE!! ✨

Okay my prompt idea is “type 2 fun”

“Type 2 fun occurs when a task is difficult at the time, but feels rewarding afterward, often because it challenges the practitioner to test their limits and grow.”

Thank you so much!!

This prompt was such a fun challenge, and I actually thought of several “type 2 fun” scenarios, but I decided to go with the sweet one ;-;

I hope you enjoy it!

Worth It

Read here on Ao3!

Rated: G | Words: 333

“I don’t understand the point of this,” Tech says. “We were not required to leave our campsite location until daybreak.” 

Hunter turns to look back at his brothers trudging behind him, eerily green in the lens of his training helmet’s night vision setting. “It’ll be worth it.” 

“It better be,” Crosshair grumbles from the back of the line. 

Hunter actually doesn’t know if this trek will be worth it. After all, he only heard about the “surprise”, as he was calling it, by eavesdropping on a couple trainers that were in the hangar when they were loading up for their off-world exercise. 

“You woke me up in the middle of a good dream too,” Wrecker whines. 

Crosshair sighs. “Please don’t tell us about it.” 

“Why not? It’s not like we’ve got anything better to do hiking in the dark.” 

“Because your dreams are kriffing ridiculous!” 

“I agree with Crosshair. I do not believe that your subconscious mind conjures up even twenty percent of the details you tell us.” 

“Well, I gotta fill in the gaps, otherwise the dream wouldn’t make any sense at all!” 

Hunter thought that the hardest part of this whole thing would be getting his brothers to wake up and pack their camp before their scheduled departure time; but now, he is starting to wonder if the hike will actually be their undoing. If they don’t make it to the crest in time, it will all be for nothing. 

“Focus up, we’re almost there!” Hunter calls out. 

“You told us that twenty minutes ago,” Tech protests. 

“And we’re twenty minutes closer.” 

It is another ten minutes of hiking and bickering later that the squad of defective clones reach their destination. 

“Have a seat, boys,” Hunter says. 

“For what purpose?” Tech asks. 

“You’ll see.” 

Hunter takes off his helmet as the first swatches of sunrise colors paint the dusky sky, and his brothers do the same. Hunter doesn’t think he’s ever seen something so beautiful. The trainers hadn’t exaggerated at all. 

END

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[dykedvonte]

I saw your earlier post and you mentioned how people say things like "Curly is a grown ass man", "Curly is bigger than Jimmy", "Curly is Jimmy's boss", "He just needed a backbone" and you're so right cuz it drives me insane the way people want to hate Curly as much as Jimmy so they start saying really concerning stuff. Like is that not just victim blaming? Is saying "Curly is a grown ass man" not just rephrasing "why didn't she fight back?" It feels like the fandom think they can just say vile shit because his abuse wasn't physical (at first, and don't even get me started on anyone saying he deserved to be abused as if any kind of abuse can be justified) and he's a guy. Makes me wonder if people would bother seeing Curly as another victim if he was a woman or if discussion would be equally as insufferable because he's still not the "perfect victim" compared to Anya

It's crazy the way people say "I would've fixed everything unlike Curly" and then continue brushing off a victim and saying they deserved it. Even Curly acknowledged Anya's suffering even if he failed to help her in the end, and yet the fandom acts like this without any self-awareness (sorry for ranting like this but I'm just very tired of the fandom recently)

What worse about those comments and the sentiments is it’s often used when people are discussing him as a victim. Like acknowledging the abuse he also faced with Jimmy and that it shouldn’t matter or have an effect because he needed to “man up” and deal with it due to his position.

He needed to deal with it more effectively yes, but it is really victim blamey in the sense he should’ve just been able to. I talked about if Curly was a girl people would probably still judge her on the basis of being more experienced and accomplished and also needing to know better. The problem is that every is trying to treat what Anya and Curly went through on a comparative level. The game does not try to do that but instead tries to have their abuse parallel each other and be metaphorical, along with show the subtle and explicit ways abusers treat their victims.

People see how Jimmy and Curly parallel each other and create the idea “they deserved each other” in some weird ironic penance stance on both their parts. It’s just so odd because the game clearly shows that not a single person was deserving of their situation and especially the treatment under Jimmy at any point for any reason. The game centers around everyone paying for callous actions he commits and refuses to take responsibility for and yet the conversation center around one of his most tormented victims being questioned on how deserving he was of it/how it shouldn’t have effected him that badly.

I know you can be mad at Curly but making it out that if he was a real good man than he just would’ve had the balls to stand up to what was likely years of emotional and mental degradation still perpetuates the idea if a victim really didn’t like the treatment they would’ve just fought back harder or not put themselves into that position in the first place.

It goes back to the idea that there’s always a way to stop it and it’s on you if it happens. It’s again taking focus off the perpetrator and putting it on other aspects than the ever present source. Idk man but it’s like people are trying to make so many slightly different think pieces on MW that some just loop back to harmful rhetoric we were just moving away from.

[fierceawakening]

Yes! That’s… less of a clear answer than I feel comfortable with to join a movement or admire its leaders, but it’s something.

I always get the sense in conversations like this that people are much more comfortable than I am just being like “who cares about the edge cases?”

I care about them, both because I’ve *been* the victim of things committed by people too deep in their mental illness for anyone who tried to convince them to stop, and because if we truly believe everyone is a person (which I see as a key tenet of leftist values and part of why I choose them over right wing values in the first place) then we believe some things are too cruel even for people who do horrific things.

So I don’t see it as an issue we can avoid.

Also like I’ve mentioned I work at a homeless shelter. The reason a lot of academically inclined leftists can talk about crime like it’s rare is because they don’t spend time in environments where people who’ve committed crimes are common. I don’t think they’re wrong that most people are basically good, but I think they can be naive about what it takes to convince someone crimes are not a great idea. If someone has a patten of criming, it’s because that’s what they believe works for them. Getting them to stop is about changing their outlook and habits, which is far from impossible but a lot slower and more bumpy than many people who never did much criming want to think.

Also I think a lot of people really don’t have an accurate picture in their heads of serious mental illness. I think very often people have an idea that even very acutely ill people are fairly rational, and you can usually help them deal with their anxiety, give them meds, whatever, and they improve a lot. Again, I don’t think this is fundamentally incorrect; disease isn’t destiny. But having interacted with a lot of people whose illness is particularly intractable, I think that people often have… the same kind of image in their mind, where they don’t really understand how incremental incremental can be.

There are many people, including one client I’m very morose about, who improve a little when treated well, but a little isn’t enough. My moroseness? That client has been banned for fighting, unless she appeals the decision and wins. I don’t *like* the thought that she’s going to lose her place here and that’s likely to only make things worse… but I don’t have the fundamental confidence to say that kicking people out for violence is too cruel, we can make sure it’s fine. Making sure it’s fine is very clearly above my pay grade, and while there are people with more experience and better degrees than me I don’t have the impression they’re less confused.

All of which says to me that deciding we’re ready to stop imprisoning people who do bad things is at the very least premature (and to their credit a lot of abolitionists do agree that prisons will be phased out over time.) I think it’s unrealistic not just in a way that paints a rosy picture of humanity (as a whole? My picture of humanity is also fairly rosy!) but also in a way that fundamentally ill prepares us to really help perpetrators in ways that matter.

[atimeofyourlife]

Go ahead, rip my heart out

Part 2 of the make it worse before it gets better (part 1 here | ao3)

rated: t | wc: 1283

There was a little bit of a whirlwind once they knew what was going on. Maddie was going to call Chimney while Eddie let Bobby know, and then the message would get passed on to Hen.

Bobby and Athena were the first to arrive, followed by Chimney, followed by Hen. It felt all too familiar, gathering together in a hospital waiting room sharing information while waiting for news on Buck.

"What even happened?" Hen asked, looking between Eddie and Maddie. "Have you called Tommy?"

Eddie sighed, hating that he was going to have to break the news. "Buck came over to mine last night after Tommy broke up with him. We split a six pack and he slept on my couch. When I woke up this morning he was having cardiac symptoms so I called for an ambulance and here we are."

"They're still doing testing but the doctors think it's broken heart syndrome." Maddie added.

"Is that even a real thing?" Athena asked after a beat of silence.

"The clinical name is takotsubo cardiomyopathy. It's a sudden weakening of a the heart muscle." Hen explained, sounding like she was repeating verbatim something she had read in a medical textbook when she was in medical school.

"Yeah." Maddie replied, nodding at Hen. "It's often caused by sudden physical or emotional stress. Like the loss of a loved one or a break up. That's why it's called broken heart syndrome."

read more below the cut or on ao3

Once Buck was done with the testing and was allowed visitors, Eddie, Maddie, and Bobby joined Buck to hear what the doctors had to say.

"The scans we have done are showing an enlargement of the left ventricle, which is the standard presentation of takotsubo cardiomyopathy. We're going to need to keep you in for a few days, for continued monitoring, but the outlook is good."

"What does it mean for work? I'm a firefighter." Buck asked, still sounding a little out of breath but nowhere near as bad as he had before Eddie had called 911.

"Well, you are going to be out for a while. Maybe on light duty behind a desk for a few months. But the majority of people recover to full health. The heart muscle usually heals within a month, and it's generally around two months for patients to get back to full health. We will continue monitoring, so you won't be able to return to full duty until you have received the all clear from us."

"What is the chance of recurrence?" Maddie asked, sounding a little worried.

"Recurrence is seen in the region of 4 to 10 percent of cases, and there is no solid way to guarantee prevention. But we recommend eating well, sleeping well, regular exercise. If you haven't already, maybe look into therapy to talk about the emotional stressors both on and off the job."

"I have been in therapy, but not for a while. I guess I need to call Doctor Copeland." Buck sighed. "What about complications?"

"That was going to be my next point. Complications are rare, but as a precaution we will be starting you on blood thinners, because of your history of blood clots. The complication we are most concerned about in your case is a blood clot in the heart wall."

"Great." Buck slumped back into his pillows, seeming defeated.

"I'll give you some time. A nurse will be in shortly with your medication." The doctor said, before leaving the room.

"Buck, as soon as you're cleared medically, you can come back. If you're still on blood thinners, it won't be a deal breaker. I won't make that same mistake again." Bobby assured him.

"It's not." Buck sighed. "It's just hitting all the greatest hits right now. Someone I love has left me again, god I've lost count of how many times that has happened. I'm back on blood thinners, like after my leg was crushed. Worried about my heart health, like after the lightning strike. I just can't help wondering what's next?"

--

Working without Buck felt strange. They were back on shift a couple of days after Buck had been admitted to the hospital, and everything just felt slightly off. Eddie knew that they all should be used to working down a man between all the injuries and health scares they'd accumulated over the years, or all the times personal reasons had kept them off the job, like the months he was working at dispatch as a liaison. Hell, they hadn't long had Bobby back at the head of the 118. But Buck, he was the glue that held their family together. Eddie had heard the stories from before he'd joined, before Buck had joined. People had been friends, but not family. It had been Buck's stubbornness and huge heart that had turned the station into a family.

And he couldn't help worrying. What if something else happened to Buck? Sure, Buck was in hospital, and it was the best place for him to be. And he was already responding to the treatment. But there was always that what if. Everyone else had told him that Buck would be okay, that the doctor had assured them that he would make a full recovery. But they hadn't seen him. Only Eddie had seen how he'd been that morning. How terrifying it had been to see his best friend in so much pain, not knowing what was going on.

The only thing keeping him going was knowing that Buck would never be alone for long. Even while they were on shift, there was a revolving cast of friends and family that would continue to check in on him. Maddie, Athena, Karen, Carla, Pepa, Josh, Linda, Sue. People that could stop by for a few minutes, others for a longer visit. Somewhat replicating what had happened when Buck was recovering from the lightning strike, but more to keep him company while he was in the hospital than having people constantly on his doorstep to check in without actually letting him rest.

--

It was a four alarm fire at an apartment complex near the end of shift. There were so many houses on scene, Eddie tried to focus on the job rather than trying to figure out who else was involved. He had noticed the 217 engine, and could only hope that Tommy was on air support. He wasn't ready to have that conversation. Hell, he wasn't sure he would be able to have that conversation without it turning to anger. What could he even say to the man who had just broken his best friend's heart so bad it had landed him in the hospital.

"Diaz." He was just packing down the equipment at the end when he was approached by one of the 133 paramedics. "How's Buckley doing?"

"Better. He's responding to treatment, still in hospital." Eddie replied.

"That's good to hear, we were pretty worried about him. Thought it could be some delayed reaction to the lightning."

"No. It- uh-it's a type of cardiomyopathy." Eddie said, choosing his words carefully. Not wanting to share too many details of Buck's health. "The doctor said he should make a full recovery within a few months."

"Nothing keeps you guys at the 118 down for long. Let him know we're all thinking about him."

"Will do, thanks man." Eddie nodded and the paramedic left to join the rest of the 133.

Eddie finished loading the equipment back into the engine, and made to get in, when he noticed Tommy standing a few feet away. He didn't want to acknowledge him, but Tommy beat him to it.

"Eddie," Tommy's voice sounded a little hoarse, a slightly distant look on his face. "Where's Evan?"

[londonfoginacup]

Hello friends! It’s THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!

But… this year has been a weird year. For all of us? I fear. And as much as it breaks my heart to do this, I’m going to take a TEMPORARY PAUSE on the holiday cards.

It’s just this year! It’s not forever!

But after a lot of evaluating, I’ve realised that I just don’t have the time or money to devote to it this year. i’M VERY SAD ABOUT THIS! Sending holiday cards is my favorite part of the year!

Alas. I am trying to make my peace with it.

That being said, I don’t want to leave you all without holiday joy!! I have been thinking and come up with a sort-of solution;

This is my ko-fi account

It’s empty as of posting this, but as of December 1st, I’m going to be posting a download every day! I’ve realised recently that I’ve never posted my paper dolls online for people to print themselves, and I often forget to post previous years’ cards, so this feels like a good opportunity!

So what do we call this?

LONDONFOGINACUP’S ADVENT CALENDAR OF VARIOUS DOWNLOADABLE PDFS

(I’m workshopping the name)

So!! I’ll post about these every day, but expect; downloadable PDFs of all the previous years of cards (plus one for this year), all the previous paper dolls and outfits (plus new ones), and maybe some other stuff! I was thinking about little 1D ornaments to print and cut! The sky’s the limit!

(Also also— when you download things on Ko-fi, it automatically asks you if you want to tip. I don’t want money! This is just the best way to host files that I’ve found. Don’t pay me. For real.)

And also— I’m taking suggestions. Outfits for the paper dolls you’ve always wanted? Let me know!

I know this isn’t what people are expecting (unless they’ve read the previous two posts I’ve made about this)— but I hope you still enjoy it! I hope it brings joy into your life this December!

(Also lowkey the reason the ko-fi is currently empty is because making PDFs is confusing— so bear with me pls hahahaha I’m trying my best 😅😅)

[canmom]

you must have this many dead friends to ride

it's TDOR (well, it was). unable to sleep, i read through all the deaths reported in the 2022-23 trans murder report (a year out of date, I don't think they've released this year's one yet.)

I'm not quite sure why i felt i should do this. if it's a gesture for the victims... well, if someone murders me one day, i don't think it will mean much one way or another if someone in faraway country reads a brief two sentence report that a 30-35 year old trans woman with 'other' occupation was found tied up with burn marks or something. nevertheless, it is the time of year for this ritual.

most of the deaths are reported in central and south american countries, largely due to reporting bias, though there's more reporting now from countries like India and Pakistan - almost nothing from east asia though, probably due to language barriers. it's hard to draw much of a conclusion about anything since many of the reports don't say much, the stats are subject to extreme sampling bias, etc etc. but the general types of story are: "her partner murdered her", "she was killed by gunmen on the street/in her house", "there was an argument and the other person decided to kill her over it", "the mob killed her for extortion reasons", 'her body was found in some awful condition", "the cops killed her" (including Tortugita, who they shot 57 times at the 'cop city' protest), and of course good old "explicitly anti trans hate crime" (which covers Brianna Ghey, the one death from my country, and several from the US).

my murdered sisters are in most cases very young. younger than me.

the statistician in my brain wants me to acknowledge that i don't know the degree that trans women are specifically subject to murder for being trans women or by abusive partners etc, and how much it's "just" about being poor and racialised and living in a place where paramilitaries, gangs etc routinely murder people. sex work is a dangerous line of work for many reasons, but it's also going to be the case that a lot of us are sex workers so even if we were all equally likely to be murdered, a huge number of the dead would be sex workers, just as many of them were beauticians.

but honestly, even bearing that in mind, a whole lot of sex workers were killed.

there is something particularly ghoulish in talking so drily about death statistics; the website uses the painful phrase 'concerning trend' in regards to the demographics of people killed (overwhelmingly trans women, sex workers and not white), as if a perfectly proportional series of murders would be less 'concerning' somehow, but what exactly are you supposed to say? it is of course a window into who a society is comfortable getting rid of, but we already knew that. there's a reason that a sex worker is the go-to plot-inciting murder victim in fiction.

collating death reports like this... in part it is done as a matter of political advocacy, saying 'look, we are being murdered by the hundreds [multiplied by some nebulous but significant underreporting factor]'. but of course, if that's our goal, we are holding our deaths up against, for example, the tens of, likely hundreds of thousands of people killed by violence in Gaza, Sudan and Ukraine in the last year - events which have already divided the world into people who can't stop it, and people who can but don't care to. and what do we want done about it? to beg the state to come down and apply its monopoly on violence more stringently? often the police are the ones killing trans women.

so what remains is ritual. we light candles, and read out the names of strangers who nevertheless have this one important thing in common with us, the ~global community~ of trannies and such - this was a person who refused to take the awful role they were given, asserted their own will to change their body, managed to live a life at least partly on their own terms, and then got killed over it.

but we don't have time to tell the life story, no time to describe the mess of relationships and aspirations that drive a life; there is no time to imagine what feelings we shared, what they enjoyed, what stories we might have laughed about if we'd known each other...

we have time for 'found dead in a car'.

if that.

in my country, we face a very different threat distribution - i don't really expect anyone i know to get murdered (though it's not impossible, there are people I'm close to who have been viciously attacked and there was little to do to stop the attacker coming back), but I'm sure Fall won't be the last of my friends to die by suicide. if we are 'fighting like hell for the living', our project here is more about trying to build lives that are worth living for, and weathering whatever fashy deluge is coming down the political pipes. what does fighting like hell even mean here? i think i used to think i knew.

but this night at least, I'm remembering my friend Fall, who we lost back in 2022. I made this page about her, and the feelings that came up from her death, with writing from friends who knew her better than me. I'd be grateful if you read it and helped some part of her memory live on. (apparently they wrote a little memorial for her in the recent translation of Shōnen Note: Boy Soprano which she worked on.)

I never got to ask what Fall thought of all these TDoR rituals - it's one of many things I didn't get to talk to her about and I bet she'd give me something unexpected to think about, formed some ingenious connection. or maybe she didn't think much of it! but it's as good a reason to think of her as any. she was awesome, she should have been given a much better hand by this world, and it is more shit for not having her in it.

I bet the friends of any of the 321 people on that list, and everyone on this year's list, would be able to say something pretty similar.

entropy always gets its way. but I'll hold onto what I can of her, my fragment of her ghost, for as long as we can. i guess that's the point of the ritual. hold onto our ghosts. tell each other that, one day, they'll stop accumulating so fast.