#i think it just really bugged me because the way people talk about the raid like it's “soooo easy”

[imunbreakabledude]

i've noticed an uptick of this kind of stuff on rs3, previous dxp events were pretty hit or miss on what group you got but during the last one it was almost all political talk bullshit. Surprisingly there was also a lot of actual conspiracy theory stuff, like aliens, summoning demons and real world magic. But for osrs, at least in the beginning, there was a pretty large 4chan population. I wouldnt be surprised if those people stuck around and got worst as time went on, i think its 65/35 on people actually believing the stuff vs ragebaiting.

Oh also good luck with toa, i like all of the wardens fight but the rest of the raid before that is so dreadfully boring. Hope youre in and out mercifully quick

yeah, I know there's a lot of unsavory folks in the RS community who say dark shit in game not only for reactions but also bc they believe it :/ It seems to have gotten better in many ways the last few years (at least in terms of like, reactions to pride events & the gender inclusivity updates and such, I still remember how the 2017 pride event was met with majority complaints and riots, whereas the last two years there's been an annoying loud minority but drowned out by positive reception & a large amount of people simply not caring but pushing back against the bigots, which is nice to see). so it's jarring to see the extent that it really jumps out SO much with regards to politics. but i suppose that's just the stupid insanity of US presidential elections in general. they seem to permeate every aspect of society, even places that aren't US-specific, with a whoooole lot of bullshit. :/

anyways, thanks, but i haven't done any toa since posting about it, I got really frustrated while trying to learn and ragequit... I'll go back after i have a couple more upgrades, maybe (hasta and magic fang being the most relevant, maybe bandos pieces as well)... or just accept the fact that i need to just do a load of 0 invo/50 invos but without any of the invos that penalize deaths or prevent me from getting the free supplies, while I just repeat the places i suck at and learn the mechanics properly, one step at a time...

[spoopdeedoop]

hi i have some disorganized thoughts/hcs abt the found family human doctor au

(one of the thoughts being i should really give it a better name. another being YES this is only the nuwho doctors atm bc that's the only series i've watched so far apologies. if i ever get around to watching classic who i will add them trust)

BEHOLD my random, not at all in-depth headcanons

nine is the only one with a car out of all of them. they all keep bugging him to drive/pick them up from places -- he has mixed feelings about being the assigned taxi driver

both twelve and eleven are teachers -- college professor and preschool teacher respectively. twelve's students love them because he will say the most stupid, hilarious shit with a straight face without even knowing and eleven's students love him because he is the only teacher at the school that will dance with them during musical chairs (he doesn't even play the game. he just dances)

i want to make one of them an actual doctor but i don't think any of them could handle it unfortunately

they all share an an apartment flat on the same level -- nine, twelve and fifteen live in one room, ten, eleven and thirteen live in the one across from them. of course there are other people in the building too but they're all used to the strange loud hyperactivity of that particular flat. i think i'm using the right terminology here. yall know what im talking about

(i'm so tempted to make some companions be their neighbors)

nine and ten are the most insomniac of all of them, so they're used to bumping each other in the dead of night on their way to raid each other's respective fridges or something. very rarely thirteen will join them and they're like "WELL FANCY SEEING YOU HERE"

twelve does sleep, but like. he's nocturnal

eleven and ten hate each other in a sibling kind of way (see: day of the doctor). they are constantly sending each other death threats or tripping each other over. everyone is sick of it

sometimes when they're out shopping you'll hear ten yell "GET OUT OF THE FROZEN FOOD YOU NUMPTY WE ARE NOT BUYING FISH FINGERS" over the aisles and you'll hear eleven whine "WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH" back

(if you're lucky you'll be able to catch fifteen mumble "why did we put them in the same apartment. are we asking for an eviction notice")

eventually eleven will pick a random stray cat off the side of the road, take her home, and name her bowtie, which is a stupid name, so everyone just defaults to calling her kitty

kitty's favourite person is twelve, to eleven's absolute despair

(my original idea for this was to initially have ten hate the idea of living with a cat, since he's stated full on in the show that he doesn't like cats, but apparently there is some very obscure doctor who comic run in which he falls into a depressive spiral and adopts a cat whom he names rose-the-cat, so he might actually like cats idk?)

anyway ten hates her until he doesn't lmao. he vents to her when there's no one else home and she will Stare at him back and it is a very nice friendship

kitty and nine watch shitty romcom together

they have a joint groupchat together -- half of it is just thirteen and fifteen assigning everyone outfits they find on pinterest and the other half is eleven asking where everyone went (he keeps getting lost when they go out)

nine doesn't know how to download pictures off the internet and so resorts to manually editing memes together to send to the groupchat and everyone's like "girl that's so much more effort........."

(yes he doesn't know how to press save image to camera roll but he knows how to use a photo editor flawlessly. such is the logic of the idiocy of the doctors)

eleven and thirteen get along very well i think. they're the only two of the group to play video games and so they bond over that. they also have ridiculously similar clothing taste

sometimes they'll succeed in getting fifteen to play pokemon with them and then they'll proceed to not see him until the next day when he comes out of his room and goes "you didn't tell me plusle couldn't evolve i've been levelling it up all fucking night"

friday is assigned movie night (it's always big hero 6)

eleven is the only one to actively seek out physical affection, usually really abruptly like clinging to thirteen's back as she passes him in the hall or bapping ten with the palm of his hand until he sighs and gives him a hug. he does expect a platonic kiss on the forehead from anyone before he goes to bed and will complain if he doesn't get one

anyway thats it i'm sick in the head and really sad. if this keeps up i may be forced to actually write a fic

[locke-esque-monster]

In the newest installment of "plot holes that make me insane in TUA season 4".

So S4 Five and Lila and up briefly visiting Five's original apocalypse that he spent about 40 years in.

(I say about 40 years because we never really did a breakdown between Five's time in the apocalypse vs his time with the commission. Was it 40 years in the apocalypse and then some additional time at the commission? Was it 40 years total and some of that included years at the commission because he wasn't being fully honest with his siblings when he first got back? Was it 40 years and either so little time at the commission it couldn't be measured in years - like weeks or months because he was that efficient of a killer with his powers to work his way into infamy that quickly? Or even that with Five constantly time traveling it was harder to measure time at the commission? And on that note, when he traveled back he said Delores said the numbers were wrong, so does that mean the commission let him bring her with him on his trips and he abandoned her in 1963? Or did he just keep talking to her in his head? But I digress.)

Let's ignore at the moment how S4 Five should really have some trauma or intense reaction upon seeing this world he was stuck in for 40 years. And also ignore the implications of the multiverse and how it really should have split here if this is really Five's OG apocalypse, since he has no memory of this event happening. (Even though we definitely should not ignore ether of those things.)

No, let's focus on the real problem. That if the subway system exists between timelines how in the actual fuck is it right there and pre-S1 Five never investigated it.

Five who said he tried every method to get back to his family. Five who had roughly 40 years alone. Five who was eating bugs to survive. He never considered going down there for shelter? Raid for supplies, like the vending machines? Because from what we can see, the trains run through regularly, he should have seen one if he went down the subway for even a short period of time.

And that's disregarding the fact OG Five saw 2 people, one who looks like him, run in and out of the subway. By my math OG Five has been there alone around 6 years. Maybe he thinks he's hallucinating after all this time. Maybe he ruled out looking into the subway before for some reason like safety. Or maybe he missed the train down there with a very brief visit. But you truly think with the possibility of 2 people appearing there he then wouldn't go that way and (re)investigate the subway somewhere between now and the time The Handler recruited him?

Because the OG Five we know would not have left any rock unturned trying to get back to his family. And god knows the only things on his agenda for literal decades were survive and try to figure out how to get back.

It was bad enough that S4 had a total character assassination of Five at the end of the series. But it's even more frustrating they also managed to retroactively discredit the intelligence of the original version of Five we met in season 1 by accident.

[duchezss]

All my favorite moments in blue beetle: a very long and silly list because this is my new fav movie ever (latinos on top fr)

The fact that the entire movie is low key a representation of how lost people can feel after they finish college and don't know what to do with their life.

How celebrated it is that Jaime is a first gen college student

As much as I loved him being from el paso, I love that he now gets his own city that it still deeply rooted in latino culture

How despite the fact that everything is going bad for the family, Jaime still tries to keep moral up and be positive

Jaime stands up for Jenny without thinking

How his persistence is what ends him landing up with the scarab, and subsequently keeping it out of victorias hands

Am I allowed to say his entire family? The scene where they're all pushing him to open to the box was so funny. Their dynamic felt so real, and it makes even more sense because apparently any time they were bickering it was improv.

How well the movie handled micro-aggressions against latinos. Like the receptionist didn't even attempt Jaime name, and how Victoria would never get her scientist's name right. They are subtle, but very real problems.

Maybe this was just me, but from the trailers I thought Jenny and Jaime already new each other, but I liked that they just met. It made their story more interesting.

The body horror route they decided to take with the suit was so cool.

The suit in general. I missed practical suits so much, and it just looked so amazing.

Another thing, that has already been talked about a lot but idc, is that I still am so in love that his family knows from the get go. Of course it wasn't really his choice, but I love how there is never any big secret, and they are constantly in the picture.

I know the Khaji-Da doesn't have as much personality compared to the comics, but the whole sequence where Jaime first gets the suit was so funny.

Notoriously in the comics the beetles were sent out to worlds to be the harbingers for their creator species to invade said world. I loved the small detail in the intro of the blue beetle crashing into the green beetle and then having a flash of electricity. I wonder if that was to hint at a malfunction, since the Khaji-Da never goes to evil with Jaime.

I love Rudy's truck. It's stupid but that's why it's so good.

The whole family debrief was was funnier than it should've been, and the beetle on Jaime spine looked wicked as well.

I thought it was interesting how much of a presence Ted Kord had on the movie, mainly because. of Jenny, but it was still there.

Every. Single. Latino. Reference. I could barely keep up there were so many good ones omg, the details were amazing.

For Jenny being an original character I thought she was done very well

I love how Rudy was useful and basically got them into kord industries.

I love the way we only see Jaime eyes in the suit. It's a different approach to what we've seen with masked heroes so far and I love it

How much they talked about the first two blue beetles, I thought adding that context made it better

They made it very evident how lonely Jenny feels, and I think her small emotional moments really paid off in the end.

I love how Jaime was so openly affectionate with both Rudy and his father, it's something uncommon with men in latino cultures and I loved seeing it.

The entire sequence where Jaime's house was being raided was so uncomfortable. And it was in moments like this were I thought Soto did a great job of weaving real world problems latinos face within a superhero movie.

The moment when Jaime's father had a heart attack, and Jaime was being dragged away, and his sister was screaming was just so heartbreaking and powerful. All of them were hurting so much.

I loved how active his family was, and how all of them immediately went to go rescue him.

Side note: the bug ship looked so cool and goofy and I loved it so much

How Jose was actually very curious about Jaime's connection to the beetle, but Victoria didn't care

The whole dream scene with Jaime and his father. I thought it perfectly mirrored their conversation from the beginning of the movie, and I thought it was incredibly moving. Not to mention I loved the detail of Jaime wearing the last outfit he saw his father in.

I loved that Jaime saved himself, but that his family greatly aided him. I thought it was a great metaphor for the fact that you can do things on your own, but having support can really make the difference

I thought it was so funny that Jaime absolutely refused to kill, and his family members did it was a smile on their face lmaoo.

I know it's cheesy, but I always love it in superhero movies when the main character finally accepts their destiny and it was a very cool moment for Jaime too. But I will say I think they did it with an interesting approach. For most superhero movies the big moment is the superhero finally deciding to go out of their way and fight the big bad, but in this movie he just finally fights what's right in front of him.

How once Jaime accepted himself as the Blue Beetle, Khaji-Da started speaking to him in spanish and adopted his ideologies, further proving their relationship is a two way street.

I loved that Khaji-Da stopped Jaime from killing Carapax, because he was justifiable angry, but he would've regretted it at some point

The low key plot twist of the locket Carapax had not being his wife and child, but being him and his mother. That was genius tbh.

I loved that Jaime had the iconic 2000s superhero half masked fight. This movie felt so 2000's but in the best way possible.

How the entire final act was circling back to the point of loving his family making him weak, but throughout everything we've seen, it's clearly the opposite.

I liked how once Jaime bonded with Khaji his mask would come on and off on command.

How Jaime started wearing his father's necklace in the ending :(

I loved the entire score so much, the synth wave vibe they decided to take was fantastic. I also love how iconic and recognizable they made blue beetle's main theme. Like the bum bum bummm that kept showing up was so good.

I really loved how they aged Jaime up to 22 as a newly college grad. I feel like superheros are always either 16 or 40 and there's never any in between, so it was nice to see.

And for my last point to a very long list: I loved that in the end Carapax helped Jaime and Jenny. Because the real villain was Victoria making them fight each other, and in my opinion that was such a powerful metaphor for latinos and any pocs

[ladyluscinia]

Your post about Ed's trauma vs. the Stormtrooper fights is right on the money imo. What gets me is that it didn't have to be an impediment when there could have been a fuckery! The reunited Revenge crew, now even stronger b/c of Izzy's integration, could have pulled an amazing Theatre Kid con that highlighted Ed and Stede's creative chemistry and this underdog group's ability to Bugs Bunny their way past better fighters with no casualties. Instead, Ricky has the biggest fuckery of s2, wtf?

Re: This. I think the fandom might have made the idea of fuckeries more interesting and important than canon intended to, in hindsight.

Like the idea of doing piracy through primarily theatre gay productions that upend the risk of dying in combat in favor of special effects hijinks was a really good comedy concept. And it worked well with the two main character types we got in S1 - silly theatrical underdog who cannot win a swordfight for the life of him + dramatic hidden depths guy who became a legendary pirate but can't actually kill people himself - and the rest of the crew's vibe in general - eclectic misfits that will not be intimidating anyone. I even liked it for Izzy! I know we liked to say he was from Black Sails but tbh he really wasn't, and the guy who slashed up Stede's shirt without breaking skin was made for selling that kind of bullshit as dangerous.

But - for all the extensive meta tracking how Stede's underdog trickery comes out on top again and again (primarily from Stede blogs, obviously, though everyone seemed to agree it was pretty solid) - canon only describes 2 instances as fuckeries: the introduction of the concept in 1x06, and Stede faking his death in 1x10. Everything else - even in S2 - is just fandom extending the concept because we think it's cool and makes sense. Ricky doesn't do "a fuckery", he just betrays Zheng with a trick and makes a pun about it.

Looking back, I think fuckeries only exist as a thing in OFMD meta because we liked the thought of them, and the kind of comedic canon they would support (team crafts, hijinks, no danger, muppet logic). I think S2 makes it clear canon only viewed a "fuckery" as the symbolic first step in Stede being a pirate. He's introduced to the concept when he's not ready yet, and then he successfully crafts and executes one at the end of S1 (against people who aren't trying to fight him, crucially) to show his rebirth. Now in S2 he's free to move onto real piracy - life threatening situations and swordfights. The penchant for trickery and underdog jokes is just character flavor, not an actual pursuit of its own.

That's why raids in 2x05 are just raids, talking in 2x06 is just talking, and the Navy dress-up in 2x08 is not an alternative to getting past the British mooks, but some kind of leg up on surprise attacking them (at least that's what it kinda looks like?). It's not "a fuckery" - it's a battle plan that can be sprinkled with hints of fuckery to spook, befuddle, or surprise. You still win with skill at violence.

Piracy is an action/adventure genre about killing your enemies with swords, guns, and cannons, and apparently OFMD was never looking to challenge that - just play in the space of our cast getting good (or maybe getting out).

[thefirstknife]

wanted to share some post Lighfall thoughts in my head with you (im sure most if this has been said or i got key concepts wrong but still)

I personally believe the Witness either is the First Knife or somehow has tricked itself into believing it is. (if the later then that's then it already had the desire to end universe and is using this to justify as an allegory for fascism)

my thoughts are summed up as this:

The Winnower wants to finish this round of the garden game. and wants to keep playing it over and over and over. It didn't seem to care about the Gardener wanting another round until she put herself into the game

The Witness is the Knife or somehow has vague spiritual metaphysical memories of the Knife and took its purpose the the most logical extreme:

It grew sick of round after round of the Game.

It is the Knife it wants to cut and cull all

The Winnower wants to play the game eternally which means restarting the game

The Knife wants to do it purpose and end the Game.

Permanently

To do this it must also end the Players so it can never restart again.

The Witness wants so somehow end the Game, end the Gardener, end the Winnower.

So that

The First Knife

becomes

The Final Shape

That's a really good summary of some of my thoughts as well!!

Obviously, a lot of this is very abstract and we might be looking at the Unveiling too much for hints, but ALSO. I think this would be super cool and would definitely explain a lot of stuff. And I would absolutely adore to see the Unveiling stuff be directly relevant in this way, and not just a metaphorical retelling of how the universe began.

An interesting lore tab from the raid lore book, page 9, that was available to unlock this week (the remaining 2 pages are tied to the red border chest, crisis averted. The chest was just bugged last week. Final raid lore book page next week!). Page 9 was... very peculiar. I'll copy it fully:

No clue who is the author. The first paragraph usually hints at the author, but this time I can't tell. Mention of "dream" and later suffering might suggest Nezarec talking to the Witness... or to something else. Or something else talking about the philosophy in general. This lore tab has Unveiling vibes to me, tbh. Mostly, the part about this data fragment coming from something "warped, barely-real" gives me massive Winnower vibes. It's a metaphor, an allegory, like the Unveiling.

I love the metaphor for the Light and Darkness philosophies, here presented with the story of a man coming upon a crossroads. The man asks the sky where to go, and there's no answer because that is for the man to choose. The Light doesn't direct anyone to anything, it lets you make your own choices. That is the essential part of the philosophy; freedom to choose.

The whole next bit with a wanderer that shows up to tell the man which path to take and even suggests brandishing a knife to exert a threat and force the man to pick is essential to the Darkness philosophy. Darkness wants to funnel you into a specific path and it will do everything in its power to make you go down that road.

But the author also muses about the knife. Is threatening violence a better way to make people obedient or is that actually ceding power? Once you show the knife, you can never sheathe it or else the threat goes away and so does your power. And even if you never sheathe it, someone might still risk fleeing. If you force someone to follow you, you are never allowed to stop threatening them, but the more you threaten, the more chance there is that the person being threatened will take the risk to flee once they're fed up. Which is what happened with several Darkness-aligned characters, most notably Savathun. She was coerced and lied to and threatened, and the longer that went on, the more she contemplated taking the risk to leave. And she succeeded.

The final sentence is also super important because it really explains why a lot of characters fall to Darkness in the first place. Because it makes the choice for them, and many are afraid of the unknown. They are too afraid to take the risk and make a choice for themselves and find it easier and safer to follow what is being told to them. Ergo, Darkness being "salvation."

And if we're on the right track, in this analogy, the wanderer telling the man which road to pick would be the Winnower, the Darkness. And the knife it pulls to make the threat? The Witness. It doesn't need to use the knife, but maybe at some point it considered it and now it's doubting its efficacy. Wouldn't it be easier if the man just listened instead of introducing the knife which complicates the interaction and possible outcomes?

We're in hardcore speculative territory here but it's one of the mos interesting thing to me right now, especially with all the new stuff we learned from Lightfall and the raid.

[freakattack]

I know I have a phobia of bugs and spiders and I know (and greatly appreciate) that you started tagging bug posts for that very reason but I have not muted the tag or turned off notifications for your blog. Reasons being 1. The phobia of bugs isn't bad enough I cant handle a few seconds of exposure when scrolling past and the more... exotic? I guess??? the bug is the the less my phobia makes me feel the effects and I can appreciate a cool looking bug (There is no amount of spiders I can stand though, even the thought of them activates the phobia.) And 2. I really enjoy your info dumps about bugs and hearing what you have to say about them, your blog is just really endearing to me, like watching a cool exotic bug wearing a top hat playing wario ware on max difficulty perfectly on the bus. Also I love me a good obscure fact.

I am in a hell of my own creation.

Do not cry for me, for I am already stupid.

Top ten funnest messages to receive after sticking my arm into a tub of cockroaches

No but you're so real for this and I am so happy that I can offer a safe avenue to learn about bugs. I actually was talking to someone at my job today about the importance of invertebrate conservation education (contrary to popular belief i do have a job and it does have to do with bugs), and a big part of that is taking away the unfamiliarity of these animals and presenting them in a way that people can relate to and appreciate. Generally speaking things become less scary the less "unknown" they are, and if the things you know about them are endearing (like centipedes being good mamas, or bees making an "oop" sound when they bump into each other), it can take away some of that fear. And you're right that arthropods are INCREDIBLY important ecologically so that's another reason I'm passionate about this subject.

That being said I'm happy to tag spiders in addition to bugs because I'm not trying to jumpscare people! That'd be counterproductive! (However if you're up for it, I have heard that the Lucas the Spider animations on youtube have helped a lot of people with their fear; it's computer-animated semi-stylized depiction of a jumping spider but it's voiced by a cute little kid, and even though it's a little corny I do think it has done a lot for spider PR. Obviously not for everyone though!) And yeah I feel you on that last point, I would never compare not liking bugs to actual bigotry (especially with simply bugphobic people, whom I am chill with) nor would I ever compare the plight of bugs to that of actual marginalized people, BUT at the same time if someone steps over the line and is viciously hateful about any animal (e.g. commenting "KILL IT WITH FIRE" on someone's pet, adamantly insisting that an entire species needs to go extinct, unloading a whole bottle of raid on 1 ant, etc.) simply because it is different or inconveniencing them, I will be very suspicious of their ability to be normal about human beings who are different or inconveniencing them. If nothing else I will think they are a massive tool!

But ya I so deeply respect your ability to appreciate the value of these animals despite your phobia, cause so many people don't even without that obstacle. Every bug on earth salutes you (from a safe distance)

Here is a pic of me playing smooth moves

[sillyfriendssharingablog]

the iconic trio but if they were normal kids with normal lives, normal parents and in a normal town

this is a little peak of my modern/slice of life au that I love, it's literally one of the first things me and my bestie did when getting into mgs. it's very wholesome and cutesy, the exact opposite of its source material. I will talk about it fully later though, as I have other things planned for this month. This au is completely safe for other people to insert their OCs in. It is also set in Alaska, and most birthdates remain unchanged. But I'll give you some fun facts about this three little fucks and their normal lives as kids in my au.

Eli Sears (12 y/o)

Son of John and Eva Sears

half white American half Italian (in my head Eva is Italian stfu)

is the middle child (for a few seconds) and gets treated like it

lives in a very fucked up family (fucked up in the Family guy way)

vapes (thinking it's cool)

the vapes are stolen from uncle Venom

he despised his brother since the day they came out of their mother

acts all mean and angsty but still cries to his mama when he can't do his math homework

thinks he is the leader of the trio

cant tie his shoes

has braces

is a bit of a bully, or at least tries

is in their chuch's choir (in this AU the Sears are Catholics)

has a skateboard

Azedi Miller (14 y/o)

Adoptive daughter of Kaz Miller, that single-fathered her for most of her life

has a very deep and healthy bond with her dad, even if he is very overprotective

her race and ethnicity are the same, and she is still in touch of her culture even if she has been raised by an American man. But now she has a more southern accent, coping her dad.

at 14 she became a loving older sister of Catherine Miller was born

tomboy, and is a soccer champion

is the bodyguard of the trio (the one who protects and takes all the countabilty of their actions because she is the oldest)

tries to hold Eli from doing dumbshit most of the time, but at the end joins him

is a scout girl

has lived in the countryside in her first years.

gets herself into dangerous shit because her little ADHD brain tells her to do them

Azedi is neighboors with Quiet, that is Eli's cousin bcs in this AU she was adopted by Venom (don't ask why), and they are besties even if Az is 14 years younger than Quiet.

Tretij Rebenok (12 y/o)

lives in a foster-care home

autistic and has been nonverbal since 7th grade

knows that he is slavic, doesn't know much else of his past

trans boy, but only his friends know about it (even though, since he didn't talk, they only ever adressed him with "It")

he is the racoon of the trio (lives in a trash can and bites)

scares a lot of people just by the way he looks and is banned from most public spaces

instigates Eli into doing dumb shit

deadname is unknown. Before he asked them to call him Tretij they just called him "the other one" or "third friend"

literally eats bugs

in his foster home he is a neglected a bit, so he may often look messy and he may stink

he has a burnt scar on half of his face (I had to make up for the canon scars)

evilest fucking kid ever

just hangs in the background most of the time thankfully though

Some other fun facts about the trio in the au

Azedi and Eli have known each other since they were born, since their dads are buddies. they met Tretij when they entered primary school and became the neighborhood's terrors ever since

they raid Ocelot's house every once in a while

Eli and Azedi used to communicate with Tretij with mostly sign leanguege, that they learned with Quiet (since she is also autistic and nonverbal in this AU), when he was nonverbal, even though they also didn't really need to sign anything with Tretij bcs he understood them even without gestures (since they are that close with each other :3)

Eli and Azedi had started dating at the end of Eli's 7th grade, but the only thing that they do different from what they do with Tretij is giving each other little kisses and calling each other petnames

also Miller despises Eli, but this is in all universes

they all have matching bracelets made by Az

[macgyvertape]

Thoughts on Season of the Witch

Usually I do a little post of my thoughts on the D2 season right around when it ends, with little notes I’ve made from playing the season through the weeks and my thoughts about game enjoyment as a whole. For most of Season 22 (Season of the Witch) I didn’t play D2 aside from clan raid nights, then when I did play everything was really overshadowed by the layoffs where discussing it would be repeating the same points said by others about Bungie’s bad upper management. 

Because when Destiny is good and I’m having fun with friends it's “I’m so back” but when I feel obligated to play more than I’d like to get x reward and the grind isn’t respecting my time “its so over”. So for me entangled with the thought of “this is my favorite season of Destiny, I’ve fallen in love with the game again” has been “goddamn Bungie fired the people who made the game this good”. 

I think my favorite seasons storywise are when Eris shows up and does a cool magic ritual against the Witness: I just liked the activities in Witch more than Haunted

The “tithe with haste” mechanic was a fun return of the scythes from season of the Haunted, and overall I really liked Altars of Summoning as a season activity with random encounters of player controlled variable difficulty.

Savathuns Spire had enjoyable randomized combat, but by the end of the season I was tired of the transverse the traps mechanics. 

New graphics card for the season where Eris gets a hot new look, but seriously the game looks gorgeous with light shafts and the highest texture settings. I have a new appreciation for just much effort is put into the maps and items, especially the warlock season pass armor where its a shrouded skull

Weekend of funny guns was so great even if I only got to do about an hour and a half of it due to being out of town. It reminds me of the 12 person bug, just having fun with something silly to push the limits of what's possible.

I liked the fights in the seasonal story missions, there’s a limit to how hard they could be so that everyone could play them but they felt engaging and dramatic like a mini campaign

I liked the Immaru Engine puzzle; a good mix of puzzles where I felt rewarded by making a good faith attempt at trying it without spoilers, and visually the first room is a very cool space. 

Story:

Eris of course dramatically shreds her chest armor in her Hive transformation, but I had a bad graphics card before so I didn’t realize none of the Hive wear tops, even the Wizards aren’t wearing dresses just some sort of tasset skirt

Its a very fun concept that Savathun made this plan that required Eris to turn into a Hive , that Eris and the Guardians had to play along with Savathun’s scheme because both parties benefited.

I’ll never get sick of the hilarious contrast of Immaru being a small floating spiky ball and the gruff threatening way he tries to talk like he’s a Far Cry villain. It got a big laugh out of me that he voiced the intro cutscene 

Xivu Arath was also a delight, I really loved getting more info about her in the lore and her voiced lines in the seasonal activities with the weird Hive look on violence

Immaru beats out “How’s your sister” for most savage personal attack with, “It was fixing the mistake it made when it chose you” 

Very fitting Drifter has the lore for the hand cannon weapon this season, and lmao that it was an “anyway transmat firing” meme. It's the only time in the lore he says it. I also really liked his radio interaction with Immaru

I think it really worked as a writing point to have Immaru be the one on coms telling us that Savathun approves as “positive reinforcement” because then it allows for player character in control moments like when we grab him like a stress ball, without making Savanthun feel less of a threat. 

This season had a lot of good Eris and Ikora interactions, their storyline is something I’ve enjoyed seeing since Shadowkeep

It's a shame the season is transitory, as the cast of characters (Eris, Immaru, Ikora, Xivu Arath, Savathun) and how they interacted with each other in the short seasonal actives has been my favorite 

[cetra]

Friend!!! I’d love to hear about your Tav and who your main companions are/who you romanced! 🩶🩶🩶

OUGHGH thank u very much for the ask...... I'm still kinda embarrassed to talk about him but here he is. His name is Malachy, Mal for short. he's a half-elf Rogue (Arcane Trickster). I went with Dark Urge as his origin, so his story is still shrouded in mystery at this point in the game but he's quite submissive to the Urge.

I would classify him as MAYBE Neutral Evil based on his non-Urge actions in the game so far but this is subject to change, and the needle has moved closer to Lawful at a few points in the game, depending on the person involved and the stakes at hand.

honestly.... he's a pretty terrible person with a disgusting attitude and I would probably hate him if he were real. He will kill without hesitation anyone who wrongs him and anyone he thinks as deserving. if he spares someone or rescues a soul, it's usually because he thinks it will benefit him later

I can't say much else on him bc i've just barely started Act 2, but he's been one of the most enjoyable characters i've played as in my time of RPGs. i really love roleplaying characters who are terrible people and Mal has been one of nastiest yet. he's so awful and he honestly scares me sometimes! I also kinda think he should die but at the same time i care about him..... DELICIOUS THANK YOU!!!! 🧡

I'm gonna put everything else under a cut..... 😭😭 i'm so sorry......

The main companions atm are Gale, Lae'zel and Astarion. Lae'zel admires him and has almost max approval with him (I just finished Act 1). Gale likes him but they've argued a few times already in the game, yet he still maintains good approval with him somehow. better approval than Astarion actually, who approves of nearly all of Mal's heinous deeds in-game but gives a lot of disapproval when Mal is mean to him, which is almost always! So despite sharing a hankering for violence and a lust for blood i don't think Astarion likes him much, which makes him the smartest person in this party

romance is kinda weird. He hooked up with Minthara after the raid, but Minthara's romance in this game is notoriously broken and i think it's going to stay broken on this save file since the "fixes" have been inconsistent for most players. So i sadly decided that would be a one-time thing for him 😭 but towards the end of Act 1 after some story developments featuring Lae'zel i realized that those two were unimaginably compatible together and so I think they're endgame. The gratitude she shows towards him, how much she respects him, how similar they are in a lot of capacities..... just really touches my soul and it feels like love to me, or at least the closest thing to love I can imagine these two characters feeling. So they slept together, at the VERY end of Act 1, and i'm waiting to see what direction that goes in. But i have a really good feeling about it honesty.....

there's also the question of Gale. Gale clashes with Mal a LOT in the game and there was even a scene between them where he quite literally damned him? but then later on after that we got a scene where Gale was clearly interested in him so it turns out Gale also has a crush on him i guess?? Don't really know if it's a bug but i'm kinda happy it developed that way bc honestly it's such a juicy concept HJDFBHKJBGK 😭😭 Mal's a Heterosexual Man though so he doesnt return the feelings and now Gale is stuck with a big fat unrequited crush on Mal that i never anticipated or intended to happen. Gale is my absolute favorite character in the game though so I've never wanted an OC to kill themselves so bad until i had Mal cut off that insanely really romantic moment with Gale DFJHBDKHJG I HATE HIM SO MUCH MAN........ MOST EVIL THING HE'S DONE IN THE GAME SO FAR!! GALE SHOULD KILL HIM.

Admittedly i do really like the idea of Mal, Lae'zel and Gale being in a really weird and twisted situationship where they often can't stand being around one another as a result of their strong personalities and insane moral compasses but are also kinda obsessed with each other and have a lot of unsaid feelings between the three of them. AND MAYBE THEY ALL KISS OR SOMETHING this is all totally in my head and relies exclusively on just. My imagination going wild as i perceive them in the game. they're the worsties ever and uhhh I hate them?/ I actually love them that just seemed like a funny thing to say.......

I uh didn't mean for this to go on so long especially since i mentioned being kinda embarrassed about it but I guess i didn't realize how much I had been keeping this in..... i hadn't really shared anything about him yet before on here, so THANK U FOR GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITY!!!! now I'm gonna go hide in shame bc of how much i said okay BYEEEEE 🧡

[brunhielda]

Because this has become THAT account:

I am 33 years old and just watched “Beverly Hills Cop” for the first time- I think it broke my brain.

Ok- so I watched Beverly Hills Cop II, and missed some of the beginning. I watched because my dad had it on while I was grabbing dinner, and I got pulled in.

1) How did I not know that was the theme to Beverly Hills Cop? I have heard that all over the internet since its infancy and had no clue. It just goes to show what I always say- a good piece of music will outlive the movie it was written for, and many iconic favorites are made for films.

2) Oof. This movie could NOT be made today. That is an officer of the law consistently breaking the law and skirting morality. The sexism ain’t great either.

That said- he never broke laws to physically hurt people. In fact, the film continually compared his method of talking his way in and out of things with the “bad guys” who shot up rooms full of people when they already had cover stories and could have been in and out with few to no questions asked.

No one put hands on women. They gawked at them, made a few rude comments. Our hero did have a creepy pick up line about shaving long legs. But for the 80s, I recognize that no one put hands on women- not even the bad guys. The heroes also had a female helper who was never sexualized at all and had crucial info. So… you get a “less creepy than you could be” pass 🤷🏻‍♀️

All that said, I really do understand the appeal. I got sucked in after all. Which brings me to 3 & 4.

3) This is going to make the male fans of this movie mad and the female fans giggle.

That was an R rated little boy adventure story along the lines of Goonies. As someone who regularly tries to convince people to enjoy more children’s literature, I am not complaining. I am saying they snuck it in there really well.

The humor was all stuff you would expect a 12-13 yr old to crack, including the sex jokes.

One of the most fun parts of the film was the somewhat quiet nerdy one slowly become more weapon obsessed and getting gleeful over pistols and rocket launchers. The punchline being is the correct personality types to actually read the instructions to be able to USE the rocket launcher when they needed it.

Which brings me to the biggest point here- our main trio is the exact personality profile one would expect in a “kids on bikes” storyline. Which is highlighted in their middle of the night raid on the shooting range. Our main hero- the “cool” one with all the best plans and sneaky skills, in a sports jacket and tennis shoes. Our excited “nerdy” one who just wants to be involved in the “cool guy’s” shenanigans is in a grey hoody. And then, the sarge- the character with money and reputation to lose but has been dragged along for moral reasons, dressed up in a sports coat and snappy polo like the rich kid dressed by his mom. I will add this is the character who is a little tubby and keeps pointing out that they are all going to be “in so much trouble.”

Like- remove the authority as cops and age them down to 13 and it would be the same movie. In the 80s, they would even have let them have guns by the end of film.

Then Murphy sells it with his absolute child like joy at getting away with all this crap.

This film revels in all the little boy dreams of solving the mystery, blowing shit up, getting to see pretty girls, and saving the day. Good for them.

4) Eddie Murphy is playing Bugs Bunny as a Cop.

This is the part that broke my brain.

I’m good with the chaotic “talk your ways past everyone” shenanigans. It was well done, and what sucked me in. Even while acknowledging how problematic it is, you cheer for him. You can’t help it. He has charm.

The fact that he pulled it off without any costume changes was impressive. I would have expected coat changed and fake mustaches. Nope. Just chatter.

It’s the cop part that is messing with me.

The type of character he is playing here is the “chaotic hero.” This is the sort of hero that comes along to break unjust systems and reorder everything by being so out of left field no one can predict them.

This is Robinhood. This is Vishnu. This is Scarlet Pimpernel. This is Zorro.

The pattern here is- these guys are from the position of power, use or reject it in some way, then destroy things as your everyday man or straight up criminal.

If you are talking even more chaotic, we come across Ananzi, Loki, Coyote, and Bugs Bunny. These guys aren’t always good. They are chaotic neutral who occasionally find themselves being heroes in a specific situation- not to do the right thing, but because it is fun to mess with the blow hard bad guy.

Now we come to Axel.

He is conning his friends into dangerous situations, steamrolling his boss at taxpayer expense, and laughing at other’s justified fears. He breaks the law consistently. Is he a bad guy? He backs up his friend who needs help, never takes anything to keep, and seems to make sure to pay back everyone who has been inconvenienced with political praise, favors they really like, or straight up cash. Is he the good guy?

He is NOT Robinhood or Zorro. There is no moral mission. He also does not come from a place of power that he leaves behind. He pulled himself out of a place of poverty to gain the power he needed to pull off this nonsense with impunity.

He is neutral chaos with a streak of loyalty, well wishes, and simplistic gleeful fun. He is, in fact, a cartoon.

In our minds that does not fit in with the authority of the police force. Neither does he.

He flashes his badge around, but often not to be a “cop” but to be “health inspector” or “building manager” or whatever else he needs at the moment.

He is consistently at odds with the chief of police and if he thinks you are terrible at your job he will ruin you, slowly and painfully. The chief in this film dug his own grave one step at a time and you wonder “did he plan it? Was it improved? What just happened?”

Now that I type this out, the closest character I have to this is Jack Sparrow. Again, but necessity of personality, Sparrow is a PIRATE.

The best thing you can say about Axel being a cop is that he seems to be slowly cleaning it out from the inside. The reverse Robinhood- he went up to the power structure to show them a thing or two about how it ought to be done. 😂

They make a point of all the cops who work with him slowly becoming more like him and becoming better at thier jobs, happier in thier lives, and generally better off for having met him. I suppose he works, even in this system of power, because he never FEELS like he is a part of it. He is a force, sweeping through, and sweeping back out.

He is less a chaotic hero, and more a chaos god. Sparrow was similar until they brought him down to earth in movie 4.

Speaking of which- I got all this from exactly one film. There are like what- 3 of these with another on the way? I cannot be the only person who saw this. Tell me someone somewhere did a full deep dive academic analysis on this character as a “trickster god” type. It was done too well.

Also realizing I started this by saying the film couldn’t be made today, and they are going to try. That will be a train wreck. I must go see it. 😈

[socialbunny]

5, 10, 13, 17, 20, 33, 40 about gay losers, sorry if it's too many i understandably couldn't stop 🫡

(twirls my hair very normally and cutely but looks like this)

Who screams and who kills the spider?

Dirk always has Raid on deck, he's quick to try and kill any fucking bug he finds in his house. I don’t think he’d scream or anything unless it was crawling on him or something, but he’s also not gonna get bug shit on his shoes you know? Dustin’s the kind of weirdo who tries to capture and release the spider back into the wild or whatever 😭 but also I think they (Dustin mainly) would have a pet tarantula and a pet lizard, so they never really have insects inside their house.

What are their love languages?

Definitely physical touch as a big one for Dustin!! He loves kissing and hugging and cuddling and just being around his partner. He tries to do that aloof shit and be “normal”,  but when he loves someone he puts his all in and becomes mushy and lovey-dovey and gay (he has attachment issues). Also gift giving and quality time for him as well, but I think all that goes hand-in-hand.

Dirk’s is acts of service. He loves doing small things for his partner, and loves taking care of people. Being with Dustin, he learns how to show it in a healthy, non-overbearing way that is reciprocated :)

What's their age and height difference?

Dirk’s only a couple of months older than him (like about half a year). In this story I was writing (and then everything else I do, I guess), they’re in a perpetual state of being 18 and 17, which sucks for them 😭.

And they're both manlets in my mind (the Dreamer’s are a short family to me), but Dirk is a little fatter than him. Let’s say that Dirk is 5’5 and Dustin is 5’7 because I might change it I’m always changing shit.

Who made the first move? What was it?

Honestly this one is so complicated because it could be either or and it depends on the direction I take their relationship. I think they’re always in a state of  “what’s known doesn’t have to be explained” mindset, like they spend basically everyday together and live together, they’re basically a couple in everything but name. I feel like they would both be a little anxious to make the first move, Dustin because of his internalized homophobia/attachment issues/fear of rejection, and Dirk because he doesn’t want to ‘force’ Dustin to talk about anything he’s not ready to talk about, and he also doesn’t want him to deflect and turn his feelings around on him. But after basically 50 first dates with someone you have to bite the fucking bullet and kiss them it’s just stupid not to (I think Dustin would try and hype himself up to kiss him but would pussy out 🙄 it's tiring after awhile)

Do they want kids? If so, who initiated the question about having them?

Ohhhh definitely they both want kids!! Dustin wants a big family like his mom wanted, he’s using the 3 dogs and 1 cat and lizard and tarantula they have as a placeholder for his children until both he and Dirk are (financially) stable enough to have kids, but he’s being totally normal about it until then (has a long list of baby names on deck, has his baby clothes and toys in storage somewhere, is READY to be such an active dad and do everything with his kids and be involved with everything!!! and he’s ready to be a sexy pta dilf too) 

What do their families think of their partner?

Darren likes Dustin a lot actually! To Darren, Dustin and Lilith are so similar, he’s like 👀 to Dirk’s taste in partners. But anyways I think Dustin and Darren mesh well, Darren is chill and I think he would inspire Dustin to build his interest in drawing.

I’ve never thought about Dirk meeting Brandi which is so crazy 😭😭😭 But Brandi thinks Dirk is a sweetie, she just wonders how her son pulls seemingly normal people (but he's doing better than she was at his age so she can't talk). Also he plays minecraft and roblox with Beau :3 I think Beau takes a minute to warm up to Dirk when he realizes that his brother ‘likes-likes’ him and that Angela hasn’t came over to see him lately, and he tries to sus Dirk out and he's like:

Beau: What do you want with my brother what’s wrong with you?

Dirk: ? There’s nothing wrong with me I’m normal

Beau: 

Do they have any jealous tendencies over each other?

In the beginning before their relationship is firmly established they both harbor a little unjustified jealousy towards each other, because they’re together but not together and they never clarify what they actually are, but when they actually become boyfriends they both chill out and trust the other <3

thank u nixie for letting me indulge in my gay losers obsession again

[rabbivole]

mujtama commune, 5502, population 11

it’s worth taking a look at our fearless leader, hafsah-63, who is an android xenotype i hacked together. i have a portraits mod that doesn’t have support for a lot of the wild shit going on in my game, but it did half-okay with her 

i had to edit the xenotype. initially i made them solar-powered (though sufficiently bright artificial light supposedly also works). specifically, the gene allows them to fill the nutrition bar with light. i sort of assumed that if there was insufficient light, they’d starve, and i’d get a notification that she was hungry and know to get her some outside time. 

that did not happen. she just kind of dropped dead one day with zero warning while not hungry. i feel a little bad about just devmoding her back to life but frankly i don’t think it’s unreasonable to have expected some kind of feedback if her light levels got too low. so now the androids generate energy from food somehow idk. (technically the android tiers androids work that way)

i don’t know if her being resurrected is what caused this, but hafsah is physically incapable of showering. when her hygiene gets low she just... stands in the shower for hours until i tell her to go wash her hands instead. 

things have been fairly slow. we had severe food issues for a while (it took a year to get access to components to build the nutrient paste system). we also have virtually nobody decent at combat. we’re also in desperate need of anyone with decent social skills; the best we have is tamryn, who’s also incredibly rude and has her hands full trying to do all of our childcare/wardening herself. 

we got a black hive raid that, while very small, was still a considerable threat given that the black hive bugs have ranged attacks and none of our people can hit fucking anything. so when i happened to get offered some refugees midfight i instantly accepted and sent them in.

they were a sufficient distraction and we won, but with some pretty rough injuries. one of the refugees was injured and he had to wait, and i guess he had to wait too long because i saw ‘5 hours until death’ and looked away and he bled out somehow.

unfortunately if a refugee dies they all instantly become hostile. fortunately, this allowed me to snap up Nattore as a prisoner. as an elf, she has the ‘great crafting’ and ‘elongated fingers’ genes that make the genie xenotype so insanely overpowered at pumping out high-quality crafts. we had zero crafters and she also had a double passion in medicine, so she was a good pickup. after a stint in jail (and the accompanying mental breaks that gave her ‘extreme’ anxiety) she was a good addition.

until this happened:

dementia is really bad. it lowers her manipulation (which governs a lot of crafting stuff) that’s already being lowered by her anxiety. she’s incapable of talking. she occasionally gets the ‘confused’ mental break, which is an extremely bad thing for a doctor to have; i’ve had doctors with dementia get confused and wander off while delivering babies or doing surgery. it’s also really only curable by finding a specific rare item- which cures a random condition, so before i use it i have to make absolutely sure she doesn’t have any missing fingers, scars, etc and cure her anxiety. and upon hitting 51 she gained ‘bad back’, which tanks her stats even more and is one additional body part i need to replace.

it’s a real shame because her stats are insane. all of this plus fast learner? god had to nerf her, she was too overpowered

so uh i guess curing her is going to be a long-term project, because replacing her is not easy

[gorematchala]

With a little distance from the release of Pokémon Scarlet and Violet, I feel like I can give a fair review without honeymooning it too much. My review of Pokémon Violet is that Breath of the Wild ruined video games.

My real objective stance on the game is that obviously it needed more time, but for what it is, the first run through the game is a very enjoyable experience. All the character and story stuff is really great, and this generation of Pokémon is honestly one of my favorites, and part of that is because their stats are all off the goop fucking insane. (except Spidops)

But my issue now is in the postgame. To be clear, everyone has been saying pokemon has no postgame since XY. This is a common whiny baby complaint from people who dont play other games. To date I have played 520 hours of Pokémon Shield, and almost 200 hours of PLA simply because I enjoy playing those games and hanging out with my little guys. This time around is a little different though.

The issue here is a problem with open world games that I've talked about in previous posts. Open world games are so gigantic that they cannot be curated the way a linear game can be. PLA escaped the open world curse by having multiple Monster Hunter Rise sized maps that feel like they were built more deliberately, and stay fresh for longer cuz when you get sick of one you can just move to another. There are 5 of them total. There's one big Paldea. So whats the issue with one big map vs a few little ones? Well the Paldea map is very impressive for its scale, and I do like it a lot, but the problem with big maps is that theres almost always nothing in them. They become so large that the only thing to do in them is see everything. So once you've seen everything there's nothing left to do. Pokémon held my attention for longer just by having Pokémon in the big map to find, but now that I've found them all traversing the map is tedious. And part of that is that Miraidon doesnt feel as good to control as the Noble Pokémon from PLA.

So with no map to explore, no items to find, no pokemon to track down, youre left with a few options. The Ace tournament, shiny hunting, or raids.

The Ace tournament is not difficult and it takes too long to be worth the money because you cant turn animations off. But the money would just be used to train Pokémon that I would only really need for raiding. Which we'll get to.

Shiny hunting requires too much attention because of the lack of a visual or sound effect. As a result it can be a little stressful, where in PLA I've found like actually 20 shinies in the past month, and half of them appeared behind me. I only knew they were there cuz they kept sparkling at me until I heard them. The more realistic lighting (coupled with lighting bugs) also makes telling certain shinies apart even more difficult. The other day I thought I saw a shiny Lumineon but it ended up just being the sunset turning it yellowish. And example of how games with art styles, again like PLA, are always better. The textured models of the Pokémon look really really good, but just adding scale textures and stuff in PLA and Snap was good enough as well.

So then you're left with raids. I actually like the active time raid idea, but much like my stance on open world games being inherently worse than less open world games, I think that FFXIII is the only game that ever had good ATB, and thats because in that game you can cancel the bar to use moves early. Youre not beholden to the flow of time. But its fine the raids are fun, EXCEPT, people are so unbelievably unfathomably incompetent that the raids are actually incompletable most of the time. People will bring Azumarill, or Iron Hands, or Sylveon to every single raid no matter what type the boss is. I had a group join me for a water Tera type Toxapex, a water POISON type, and our team consisted of me, two Azumarills, and a Sylveon. I went through 4 groups of people before doing it alone with computers and beating it. And thats how every single encounter has played out. But it takes so much longer solo that it isn't worth doing. This is an entire mechanic of the game that I expected to keep me playing which has now actively stopped me from playing because people online are so bad at video games.

But I wouldn't be relying on raids for content if the game didn't have to be Pokémon of the Wild. Just like I'd still be playing Elden Ring if it wasnt Breath of the Souls, and Sonic Frontiers couldve maybe focused on its plot and animations more if it didnt need to be Breath of the Sonic.

So in conclusion Pokémon Violet is a very good game that I will never replay. I'm excited for DLC to come and add more Pokémon because I do like the game and I love my Skeledirge and my Slither Wing, but I think I'm gonna mostly just keep playing PLA whenever I have a hankering for Pokémon in the future. I think for an open world game this is one of the best I've played, but I also really hope BotW2 bombs so we can get normal games out of Nintendo and Sega again

[deyadee]

Rejection

Before I begin, no this is not about the girl from the (I think?) last story. I know damn well she’ll never choose me and we’re back to barely exchanging two words to each other when she’s at the front desk. I don’t have conformation, but she’s definitely straight. I’m a desperate fool that stretched every small thing just to think I had a chance, but I should’ve known I repel people like a fucking bugs to a raid can.

Anyway, I found out (well I guess not really found out, more of realized) that I can’t handle rejection in any form. My mom went to speak to the hotel to book my grandparents a night and my boss pulled her aside to tell her to talk to me. She said that she didn’t want to tell me but I’m fucking useless and can’t do shit right, but they didn’t want to say that to my face because I would cry and then she would cry too.

I only cried once on the job because she was screaming at me over the radio (to the entire staff) telling me to hurry the fuck up even though I was trying to clean the room but I got delayed because there was an entire fucking counter of dishes.

But I understand why she said that. Because I fucking would start crying. I’m a fucking crybaby who can’t do goddamn anything right and I constantly have to cry because I can’t fucking take living anymore. I’m never fucking good enough. I’m not fast enough. I could check and clean the same fucking drawer forty goddamn times and someone else would just walk over, open it, and be like “Hey fuckhead, are you goddamn retarded? There’s fifteen more things you didn’t clean in here. I try being thorough but it’s never enough. I try being fast but it’s not fast enough. I mop and sweep the EXACT FUCKING SAME WAY EVERY OTHER GODDAMN EMPLOYEE DOES IT AND YET I’M THE ONLY FUCKING ONE THAT DID IT WRONG! I do everything how you fucking tell me and it’s never goddamn good enough.

Then they get pissed because I take the same amount of time to do four rooms as seven or more. There’s no fucking incentive to go faster. I get paid more for hours, not rooms. Why would I go faster if all I get after I finish is being told to do more fucking work that’s not my fucking job?

Mop twice {DEYADEE}, sweep twice {DEYADEE}, WHY DOES GODDAMN NO ONE ELSE HAVE TO?! I DO THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING AS EVERYONE ELSE!

I want to have a day where it’s slow so there’s only me doing one and I’ll rip my throat open with my Swiss Army knife. That giant pool of blood on their precious fucking floors that I’m apparently too goddamn retarded to anything right but be a goddamn burden. Mop my blood twice! Scrub it off the goddamn floor fifteen goddamn times so that my memory can always be a reminder! Clean. My. Corpse. Maybe it’ll be more fucking use as a scarecrow than having a normal goddamn job. Fucking useless sack of shit. Fucking worthless. Fucking whore. Fucking scum.

So, as you can tell, I don’t take rejection well.

I guess because I base all of my worth on others. Before you rush to say you shouldn’t do such a thing- we all do. If from the very beginning you were based solely on what you were capable of, wouldn’t that not cause you to think you are only worthy if you did what was wanted or expected. You get good grades? Good! You get bad grades? Failure. You have no ambition? Pathetic. Everyone is taught from the moment they’re born that their value as a person is equal to what they can do for others.

I see my own value as only what I can provide for others, because approval is the greatest high I could ever achieve. I live in a cycle. I see myself as worth less than any other human, so I strive to be as good in every aspect I deem important as possible, so I’m praised. I’m praised so I begin to value myself again. I start to get into a more comfortable idea of my life and therefore do not try as hard to be the best. I am punished or looked down for having a worse performance. I feel I am worthless for not meeting expectations. I beat myself up for being worthless. The cycle repeats.

Will this cycle ever break? No. Because I don’t actively try to break any part of the sequence, mainly the depressive lows of not meeting expectations or not finding value in myself. I feel I won’t work as hard if I were to finally accept myself, or that I’d become too narcissistic and evil by not being constantly weighed down with guilt and anxiety.

I can’t handle rejection because I’m scared of becoming a bad person.

[casliveblog]

Admittedly this was mostly about Shirou Amakusa's wish in Apoc and Yui's wish in Samurai Remnant, those were 'make the world into perfect soulblobs' and 'just fix shit idk' which are cool but Sieg and Iori seem to have problems with using their powers in general and are actively willing to murder people to stop it, like they're not stopping the murder they're killing the Servants to stop a beneficial wish.

Like it really bugged me in Apoc how they didn't even know what Shirou's wish WAS until it the end and they're just like 'idk what you want but you're Christian and I don't trust you' and once they found out they had more legitimate complaints about it but they were fully ready to do an air raid without even knowing. And even once they know the complaint is... maybe humanity can become perfect soulblobs on their own? Which unless evolution works differently in the Fate universe I don't think is an option like most of the time the Counter Force has to bend over backwards just to make sure we don't wipe ourselves out. Like it's like a student debt argument 'if you make everyone happy now then what's the point of all the suffering?'.

And in Samurai Remnant Iori at least admits he finds Yui's goal admirable and doesn't have a particularly good reason for not wanting it to pass and the Waxing Moon is just kind of a bootleg Grail and doesn't really work right anyway but it's just strange how everyone resists it so hard when people are like 'we'll fix the world'

Admittedly I've only seen the animes and Samurai Remnant so I may be missing some context because I have no idea what Angra Mainyuu is doing inside the Grail to make it evil or whatever and why Kiritsugu's wish got fucked up but everyone just kind of decides the Grail is bad halfway through without conveying any of the why and not actually knowing what the villain's plan is which is fine when it's Gilgamesh being 'There's BILLIONS of people!? That's way too many, what do we need, like 200?' but less fine when Shirou legit wants to make sure people stop starving in the streets and Sieg's like 'no and also I'll become a dragon specifically to stop that' and Yui wants to live in a world where Samurai don't run into each other on the street and cut each other down for no reason and Iori has to be like "No magic but I'll see what I can do about that whole world changing thing'

There's other lesser examples but I think it's just like a communication issue and it may be something lost in adaptation or that I'm not understanding correctly because Fate has a habit of talking about something for ten minutes and somehow leaving you with less understanding than when it started.

Something that happens in every Fate series is like someone goes 'let's use the magic thing to make things better' and the protagonist is like 'no the magic thing is evil let's make things better on our own' and like that's fine, the magic thing usually IS evil but how do THEY always know that? Is it just an instinct about nothing good coming from something that makes you murder 3-4 historical figure substitutes to use it? Like if that's the case those are some pretty strong convictions for something that's basically a hunch. Like I get the message is 'anything worth wishing for is worth earning' but like in-universe it just sounds like the villains are going 'lets improve society somewhat' and the heroes are just going 'no, new thing bad, keep things how they are, the only way it should be'