#i think im already 6 hours??? and im just to the hospital

[willowthewiisp]

Some initial thoughts on the remake

I love the dreaminess of the original, but it does come across as awkward first playthrough because you don't KNOW that's the point of it, but playing through you appreciate it more. The remake deviates from this dreamlike state but what they replace it with actually makes it rather terrifying in comparison in a sense of helplessness. It genuinely feels like you're STUCK here, like you've done this before, like you're struggling over and over just to suffer all the same but. But this is you're first time doing this right? Sure buddy :) I wasn't sure about it but I actually love this. As "happy" as the leave ending is I never thought that was the appropriate ending. In water was always my favorite because it made the most sense. How could James go on living with himself knowing he took her life, how could Laura leave with James knowing he killed her mother figure? James ending his own life makes the most tragic sense, and that's why I like this feeling of "you can't escape this" feeling they've given the remake, from the flashes of memories of locations you've seen in the original to little comments and callbacks. Everything feels like youve been here in this situation much longer than you need to be because you just haven't learned. And oh you're gonna learn. That's why PH acts the way he does, as opposed to the original game. He feels FED UP. He feels much more aggressive and frustrated, even his design makes me think of frustration and struggle more and I can't explain why. I wasn't too sure about it, but I love it. I do miss the dreaminess of the original, like you're not sure if you're real, but I don't hate this new feeling either. It makes it terrifying. And again, I've only gotten to the hospital after like, 6 hours or so. I'm taking my time.

I gotta say the OG apartments in sh2 didn't necessarily scare me, more like kept me on edge and kept me confused but the remake apartments have managed to fill me with so much anxiety and dread that I couldn't help but smile so wide at times. It's sooooo different yet still feels appropriate. I love the rust from water instead of the blood and rust aesthetic, it reminded me of the Titanic wreckage and how spooky it is if you've ever seen pieces of the wreckage in person. It feels like the first plunge into the subconscious and granted I've only gotten to the hospital, I really like the vibes they put out with the apartments. The PH fight was so much fun I like how frustrated the vibe of the fight is, like ph is annoyed with you.

Also I was really really worried when I saw the initial screenshots of the hospital but man. Man man man the choice to give the first area of the hospital that type of lighting gives me so much anxiety and dread and I can't explain why. It feels wrong it feels like you're not supposed to be there right now it feels like the hospital wants to eat you alive if you go any further, and I can't wait to see more...

[killxio]

ceo baby daddy eren.

word count: 1,635 [ 6 min read] | ✪ content warnings: pregnancy, slightly detailed mention of nsfw, writer who still thinks they’re funny, accidental pregnancy, breastfeeding

babydaddy!eren x pregnant!reader / babydaddy!eren x mom!reader / husband!eren x pregnant!reader / husband!eren x mom!reader

✭ you and eren’s journey after an accidental pregnancy.

babydaddy!eren , who is the ceo at the company of a job you just started working.

babydaddy!eren , who you just so happened to have a two (and a half?) night stand with a week before you started your position and realized who he was.

babydaddy!eren , who’s apartment you nervously stand outside of with a positive pregnancy test and a plan to negotiate and vanish.

“look, im sure you’re going to suggest i abort or adopt. i’m sorry but i’m not willing to do either, i’m fine working to support the baby myself and i’ll move to the other side of the country and be out of your hair.” you babble, really only telling him because your friends say he had the right to know. you had no expectations for a successful ceo to put his life on hold to have a baby with a stranger.

babydaddy!eren who scares you with the way he is staring directly at you, leaning against a wall opposite of you, not saying a thing for awhile.

“no. i wouldn’t ask that of you if that’s not what you’d like. i will never abandon a child of mines. im changing your title in my company to a personal assistant. moving your office closer to mines, i want to be around if you need anything.”

babydaddy!eren who always seems to be hovering around your office and demanding you get lunch with him, a way of personally ensuring your fed.

babydaddy!eren who secretly enjoys watching the swell of your stomach as time goes by. unnoticeable to anyone else at work at first. then poking out at him as he watches from your couch as you get ready to introduce him to your family unit over dinner. then having to curl around it to give you a kiss after your first official date night. then soothing it late at night after you’re stirring because baby yaeger is treating your insides like a jungle gym.

babydaddy!eren who moves you into his penthouse because he “is uncomfortable with the thought of you and his child living separately after birth“

“you’re in pain postpartum, alone with a baby and you expect me to only stop by? how do i protect my family if i’m treating them like a 9-5? you already practically live here, y/n.” you finally agree. after making him agree to a dog sometime in the future.

babydaddy!eren who buys the three of you a house, insisting it’s time to mature and the best environment for the most important woman in his life and his son.

babydaddy!eren who digs out holes in the sand so you can rest on your stomach comfortably at the beach.

babydaddy!eren who keeps tiny copies of the photos from that day in his wallet and his desk at work. not just of the bump, but of you. your smile. your beauty.

babydaddy!eren who is there to relieve any ache and pain as best he can, no matter the hour. he lifts your bump or massages you at an instant. (and give the best late night head but that’s neither here nor there)

babydaddy!eren who’s calm after you go into labor late one night, the house dimly lit by candle and moonlight.

“rennie?” he’s up after few light shakes, becoming a light sleeper after you started sleeping over consistently.

his tired eyes peak at you through unruly strands of bed head, shifting into concern after seeing the way you double over and groan out in pain.

“sweetheart? is it your water?”

you can only nod in response, clasping onto his forearm as he sits up in bed. he leans you into his chest, wiping the tears from your cheeks and quietly going over the game plan with you while instructing you to breathe.

babydaddy!eren who was absolutely amazing at directing the nurses rushing around you and maintaining the calm energy in the hospital room.

babydaddy!eren who you catch early in the morning, standing over your sons hospital cradle and just balling in awe.

“elias yeager..” he mumbles to himself, repeatedly, etching this image into his brain.

babydaddy!eren who does the same thing at home, spending hours staring at you knocked out and the tiny curly haired baby laying between the two of you in the in-bed-bassinet.

babydaddy!eren who learned how to make padsicles for you and makes sure you’re always stocked postpartum.

babydaddy!eren who sucks at swaddling but is s-tier at a quick change after a spit up.

babydaddy!eren who has to have your son within five feet at all times. babywearing, skin to skin, working with him in his lap, at his desk, in his home office. he is a sucker for physical intimacy and hated being away from his people.

you’re in the tub of your grand master bathroom, jet feature on low with your son on your chest and a speaker playing your favorite RnB playlist. this is more of a leisure bath rather than a cleaning bath, no bubbles as you don’t want any harsh chemicals on babies skin. your son starts to fuss and you offer him your breast, nursing him back into silence.

“where’s my invite?” yaeger asks from the doorframe, smiling at the two of you. you beam back at him.

“look who’s back from his meeting? hi daddy.” you say to both your son and him.

“hi mommy. hi eli bee-li.” he says, now kneeling at the side of the tub, kissing you, your son and then up to your collarbone. he stands up and begins stripping. his tie.. then his work shirt, and his pants. his boxers go with.

“hey, my eyes are up here.” you raise your gaze and find him staring directly at you already.

“oh shut it.” you say through a smirk, scooting forward to allow him space to climb in behind the two of you.

you lean your head into the space between his neck and collar bone.

he soaks this up, these are the moments he lives for: his girlfriends hair running down his chest, he can feel both her and his son’s breathing, and the warmth of the water enveloping them.

babydaddy!eren who gives a speech thanking you for all you given him at your sons small, intimate first birthday.

babydaddy!eren who lives in bliss everyday for two years, excited to come home to his girl and baby boy.

babydaddy!eren who realizes one day how unfair to you it is that you chase after his little hyperactive son, cook for him, kiss him all over, and upkeep the house all without giving you a ring.

fiancée!eren who proposed intimately on a beach, with the help of your two nearly-three-year-old.

“so, you know what we’re here to do?”

your sons head of medium brown curls only nod at his father, smiling behind his pacifier.

“atta boy. now go hide behind the rock, mommy is coming.”

you join eren for what is supposed to be a normal, romantic beach-side dinner. a few minutes in..

“mama?” your son muffles behind a pacifier, having appeared beside you.

“elias, what are you doing here baby boy?” you softly take out his pacifier.

“dada hav a ques’on.”

as you pick him up and place him on your lap, you shoot eren a confused look.

things are starting to click as eren walks over to your side of the table, kneeling infront of the two of you as your son hands him a black box. (that you somehow didn’t notice despite elias forgetting to hold the box behind him instead of infront of him like eren instructed)

you smile the brightest you ever have, watching as eren reveals an absolutely gorgeous ring and asks,

“y/n, will you bless me with the honor of calling you my wife and marry me?”

“oh. my god. eren. yes. yes!!!”

husband!eren who probably put another little curly haired baby in you on your wedding night.

despite you being bone-tired, eren gives you the most life shattering dick he ever has. your wedding nails leave swollen, and at points bleeding, cuts down his back. he has taken you on every surface in the path from the door to your bedroom, switching from tender to ragdolling you like a fucking madman.

you limped half of the day until you walked it out the next day.

husband!eren who picks you up and twirls you in delight when you get home from your honeymoon and show him a positive pregnancy test two weeks later.

husband!eren who is happy to say “my wife and i are here for our __ week checkup.”

husband!eren who, if you thought was calm the first time, is absolutely serene. you had absolutely no worries besides where the hell the anesthesiologist was with your epidural. everything was taken care of. eren has always been like this, between his upbringing and life, eren did not feel equipped to handle a family but molded himself due to his work ethic. he worked so hard to give his family, most importantly his children a calm and stable upbringing so you’re actually the one more likely to freak out in emergency situations.

husband!eren who sits at your bedside with your son in his lap, answering all his questions about his new little sister, admiring his family and it’s new addition.

husband!eren who tells his 4 year old son and 2 month old daughter milestones of you twos relationship as bedtime stories.

husband!eren who took over the small start up you started before working for him for more income, keeping it in your name but managing it and growing it into a massive success. you carried and care for his children, making you a millionaire is the least he can do.

husband!eren who reminds you everyday how thankful he is for the family and love you’ve given him.

[am-i-interrupting]

please could you do something for arcane where reader comes home in a sling and is like "haha funny story" and it turns out they fractured their elbow? i fell off my bike at 8am yesterday morning and biked for idk how may miles and did farm work before going to the hospital roughly 7 hours later. turns out it wasn't a bad bruise like i thought lol. now im in a sling for 6 weeks and it was kinda sus that i was losing mobility in my arm throughout the day before i went to the hospital

Caitlyn

She will go into protective mode immediately.

She is by your side as much as you’ll allow her, getting you everything you need and more.

She will buy you sweets and get you your favorite drink every day during your recovery.

Will be giving you a lot of face kisses when she gives you something or does something you can’t do at the moment.

If anyone gives you the pity look and starts treating you differently she is glaring at them with a stare so hard and cold they stop immediately. Don’t say anything just half, turn around, and walk away.

Ekko

He will immediately check you over for any other bruising or cuts as soon as the news is broken.

He’s extra doting during your recovery, many kisses and cuddles, will fret over whether or not you’re actually comfortable laying with him.

He’s not the tallest individual so if he can’t get something for you, he is asking the other Firelights to get it for you.

On that topic, when he’s not around he has asked several of the Firelights to not smother you but stay near in case you need something.

Just super sweet and helpful during your recovery all around.

Jinx

She is immediately asking who hurt you and when you reveal that it was your own clumsiness, she takes a breath and jokes about it.

She will try to act like it’s no big deal but always has you in the peripheral of her vision.

She’s not as good as she thinks she is at hiding her hovering habits during this time.

She is making and stealing you so many pretty things during this time just to see you smile.

She will also do your hair for you if it’s long enough to style and she is joining you in the bath to wash and brush it.

Silco

When you explain what happened, he will act like he’s scolding you but in reality it’s simply a rouse to disguise his concern. It’s not easy at the best of times, much less when you’re injured.

He will be giving you the best medicine available for any pain.

He’s also making you teas that are supposed to help soothe pain as well. Where he got such high quality tea? He won’t tell you but it’s there.

It’s also like he can read your mind because if you even think of getting something it’s already on the table in front of you.

You’re also not going to work for the entirety of your recovery. It doesn’t matter if you work for him or someone else. If you work for someone else and they refuse to be accommodating, fine you’ve got a new job with Silco waiting for you when you’re better.

Viktor

He is absolutely worried for you but understands how annoying it can be to have people try to do things for you because you’re in pain.

He will only get things for you if you ask and he is happy to do so.

He will massage your shoulder if it starts to hurt from the sling.

Is giving you alternative pain meds to try if the ones you have aren’t working.

He will also hold ice to your elbow so you don’t have to since it can be a pain.

[ysljoon]

Love Maze-Chapter 2

pairing: single dad!simon 'ghost' riley x live-in nanny!reader wc: 1.3k warnings: none for this chapter a/n: this chapter was a little slow BUT we made some progress eeee im so excited to go from here yall 🫣 MINORS DNI (have your age in your bio or you're getting blocked) <prev chpt. >next chpt.

You stare at your apartment triumphantly once you see everything packed away. You lugged your suitcase out the door and now you’re on your way back to the Riley household. You were curious about Ella’s father. He was a very hard man to read and didn’t seem like a man for much conversation. Hopefully, you could bring down the walls he’s set up and get closer to him because to live with someone who appears unapproachable seems awkward to say the least. Yes, you’re there for the child first and foremost, but it would be nice to get to know him outside of being your employer.

Also the mask? What is that about? That should’ve raised more red flags in your mind, but the opportunity seemed too great to be able to look over that. He seems to be hiding a lot, but maybe he just needs time to warm up.

You showed up at 8 a.m. on the dot and knocked on the door. You distracted yourself with the pleasant dewy weather of the morning while you waited for Simon to answer the door. The door swung open faster than you expected and you had to dodge it at the last second to avoid it hitting you square in the face. Simon gave you a gruff ‘good morning’ and moved out of the way to let you inside. He still had on the black surgical mask, but his attire was a jarring difference in comparison to the first encounter. He had on blue cargo pants with harnesses hugging his thighs and a zipped-up blue windbreaker. Ella was held against his hip with one hand and the other hand had a black vest in the other. You were well aware that he was military personnel, but you didn’t think you would be acquainted with that side of him so soon. 

You rolled your suitcase in behind you and awkwardly stood in his kitchen while waiting for him to give you further instructions. He placed Ella down in her bouncer and leaned against the counter across from you. His eyes looked bored when looking at you and there wasn’t really an emotion you could use to describe it, but it didn’t feel good to see the least. “I just fed Ella her morning bottle. The formula is in the cabinet over there.” He pointed above your head behind you. “And all bottles are in the dishwasher. Feed her about every 3 hours or whenever she’s feeling fussy.” 

He tilts his head to the side to indicate to follow him and you do. He takes you to her nursery and it is very bare bones of a nursery. It has all the essentials with a crib, a dresser equipped with a changing table and baby monitor on top, a black suede rocking chair, and a trash bin. “In the dresser is where all the diapers and wipes are stored. The top drawer has all of her binkies,” He crouches down to the lowest drawer. “Here’s an extra baby monitor. I already have one in my room so keep it on your bedside table.” You nodded, taking mental notes of all the information he was giving you. He wordlessly walks out of the room and takes you across the hall. “This is the spare room, make yourself at home. The closet should have enough space, but if you need more just let me know and the bathroom is attached.” You gave him a grateful smile. 

“Thank you so much for your hospitality, Simon.” He gave you only a grunt in acknowledgment of your words. “I’m heading to work now, since we’re in a lull right now I should be home around 6 pm. Text me if you need anything. If you don’t hear from me within the hour contact my captain. His name is John Price.” He handed you a small square of card stock with John’s name and number scribbled on it. You reached for your phone immediately out of your pocket to input the number. Simon gave you one last look over before heading out the door and you bid him one last farewell. You made your way to the living room and looked at Ella with a fond expression. “Well, Ella it’s just me and you now.”

The day moved along swiftly. It was easy to turn on your caregiver mode, but you did do some quick online shopping when Ella was having her afternoon nap as it came to your attention quite quickly that there was a scarcity of baby toys for her to play with. Ella was an easy baby though she was rarely very fussy and during diaper changes, you were able to keep her distracted enough to have her giggling. The sounds of her laughs had you wrapped around her finger. She was an adorable little girl. 

Once 4 pm rolled around you decided to scour Simon’s cupboards to see what you could cook for dinner when he comes home from work. His pantry was scarce and you made a mental note to visit the grocery store tomorrow. You were able to scrape together a garlic chicken pasta for dinner and once that was done you let it sit on the burner on a low heat to keep it warm as it was only a few minutes until Simon was home. You made your way back to Ella to scoop her out of her bouncer that you kept her in while you were cooking, bounced her on your hip and sang lullabies to her. Her wide little eyes stared at you and observing her face made you realize how her eyes were identical to Simon’s. You weren’t sure how the rest of her facial features compared to Simon’s as he kept it concealed. 

The door knob jiggled and the jangling of keys alerted both you and Ella to the arrival of Simon coming back home. Suddenly Ella started getting squirmy in your arms and wanted to be held by her dad. He quickly shuffled at the front door putting down his belongings and kicking off his boots. He made his way over to you and scooped Ella out of your arms and cradled her in his strong, muscular ones. “How was she today?” “She was great, barely fussy at all! Oh, I made dinner by the way so whenever you’re ready to eat I can dish it out for us.” Simon did smell the aroma of food in the air, but he thought you only cooked enough for yourself he didn’t expect you to cook for him. He also noted how you said us instead of just him. He wasn’t used to someone being this nice to him since he joined the 141 and the task force tried their best to welcome Simon. This was definitely something to get used to. 

“I’ll take a shower first and then we can eat. If you’re hungry now though you can eat without me. You waved him off and told him you’d be fine waiting for him. He doesn’t strike you as someone who has an extensive shower routine. You sat on the couch with Ella accompanying you by your feet just crawling around and found a cartoon for her to enjoy on the TV.

Simon came out of the bathroom in 10 minutes flat with his blonde hair damp and-oh. Simon was standing in front of you without the mask and wow. You couldn’t understand why he covered up his face. He is handsome, to say the least. You averted your gaze and cleared your throat making your way to the kitchen. You silently plated servings for the both of you and Simon silently was by your side getting the utensils. Dinner was uneventful as Simon didn’t have much to say and you could see it in his face that he was tired so you didn’t want to bother him too much. Simon said he’ll wash the dishes since you cooked and you nodded. He wished you a goodnight and you made your way into your room to get ready for bed. The first day of the job is done and you would think it went pretty successfully. You couldn’t help thinking about Simon’s face until your eyes became heavy with sleep. 

[snowball-doie]

cringey wattpad tropes or not, i'm just desperate for more content ahahahah i'll literally read anything you post about it

Bahahahaha OKAY BUCKLE UP PUPS! *cracks knuckles* We’re taking a Time Machine back to 2012!! Back to my roots, yippeee!!!

(i finished writing this like 9 hours later... it's giving "my mom sold me to one direction" pffttt but once you read it. you'll prob realize why this ISNT canon and also that im insane)

So this is in the future only slightly ‘cause TY and Jaehyun are in the military….. Also I’ve never mentioned this before I dont think? But canonically, a few weeks or so after Reyna’s born, she gets really really sick one night when she’s sleeping in Jungwoo’s room, and he panics and they take her to the hospital. She’s fine after spending a few days in the NICU. That’ll be mentioned / made important here 🫡

You know how busy the boys have been, solo schedules, group schedules, working themselves to the bone before another inevitable enlistment. They’re never all home together anymore. That’s hard for Ahri. She’s so used to having 8 men terrorizing their home, giving her a hard time, giving her so much love, never letting the house get quiet… But it’s been eerily silent without them, especially while they’ve been doing concerts as only 6 members in Korea, and they’re about to hop over to Japan for a few more shows— And Yuta’s not even around in between those because he’s busy with an encore to his own solo stage; and Hyuck and Mark are busy with Dream content!! Hmph… She misses having them around. She doesn’t like forcing herself to get quiet to an empty, quiet home.

The boys are gone again for a few days this time- Johnny, Doyoung, and Jungwoo doing some kind of press tour in the Southern part of Korea, a couple hours outside of Seoul; Yuta’s in Japan, and the Dreamies are all the way in Taipei for their own press tour… It’s been a while since Taeyong or Jaehyun have called. Nowadays, the WayV boys are the only ones still in the country, so they’re on stand by if Ahri or Reyna should need anything.

“Okay, baby, we have to get up early, so I’m gonna call it a night,” John tells Ahri, the two of them FaceTiming just before bed. Reyna’s already sound asleep in her bed in Johnny and Ahri’s room.

Ahri nods and lays in bed, plugging her phone in while wishing goodnight to Johnny, and Doyoung who fell asleep on John’s lap about twenty minutes ago. The house is quiet again after their call ends. Reyna’s snoring quietly. Ahri’s exhausted from work and keeping up with a baby alone, she falls asleep fairly quickly, tangled up in Johnny’s sheets, shoving her face into his pillow just to remember what his cologne smells like.

Reyna’s always been a fussy baby. She’s infamous for waking up every hour or so throughout the night in need of something, no matter how big she gets, or when she should have outgrown the habit according to doctors. She’s been a handful, much like some of her dads……. So Ahri’s body naturally wakes her up sometimes to check on Reyna to check on her— Especially since silence was Ahri’s worst fear after the hospital visit earlier in the year. Usually if she wakes up and Reyna doesn’t need anything, she’ll just pace around for a bit until Reyna does wake up, whining for food or crying about a nightmare… But Ahri stops when she leans over in bed to find that Reyna’s crib is empty. The fuck? She wasn’t an escape artist like Hyuck thought she’d be. Sure, she tried a few times when she was smaller to climb out of her crib, but she sucked at it, so she always gave up before just crying for one of her dads to pick her up. Reyna never escapes her crib. So Ahri turns on the lamp and starts to look around, checking under the bed, going into the bathroom. Nothing. So she ventures further, checking all of the boys’ rooms, under their beds, in the bathrooms, in closets, in drawers. Nothing. So she runs downstairs. On the couch, under the couch, under the table, behind the floor lamp, under the kitchen table, hiding between chairs, in the kitchen cabinets— Hell, even in the damn fridge! Ahri checks every single inch of the house and there’s no sign of Reyna. She doesn’t understand. She checks for a few more minutes, calling out for Reyna, cooing that it’s time to get back into bed… But nothing.

Panic strikes as soon as the reality settles in. And rather than call the boys who are hours away from helping, or the cops who would probably laugh at Ahri for being an overdramatic, hysterical mother the second Reyna would crawl out of some hidden crevice of the house, Ahri rushes to call the WayV boys who show up within minutes once they hear what’s happened. They’re half asleep, albeit, but they’re there, trying to calm Ahri down, splitting up to check the house again. Maybe there’s somewhere Ahri missed. Maybe Reyna’s just damn good at playing hide and seek. There’s a reasonable explanation for this, according to Kun who’s hugging Ahri and rubbing her back to calm down her growing panic attack. The boys come back one by one with no baby in hand….. They checked everywhere. They’ve done everything they can think of. The house is turned over, it’s a mess, and there’s no sign of Reyna. The police are the next solution.

Honestly, life is a whirlwind around Ahri as she sits in the living room, Ten beside her, rubbing circles on her back while a police officer stands in front of her, asking questions, while his partner checks the rest of the house with the WayV boys who try to explain that they already checked!

“And what’s the purpose of your stay in this house?”

Ahri doesn’t know how to answer that.

“Her husband lives here,” Ten replies on her behalf, like the quick thinker he is.

“And who’s her husband?”

Ten does all the answering while Ahri stares at the ground, trying to think of all the places Reyna could be. The yard? No, the boys would have seen her, or maybe even the cops? She couldn’t have even gotten out of the house. Yeah, okay, maybe Ahri was so tired that she forgot to set the house alarm, so she wouldn’t have known if the front door opened, but how the hell was an infant meant to unlock the door, open it, and make a grand escape? It wasn’t fucking possible!

“Yeah, she’s not here, hyung,” the other cop says after returning to the living room.

“Miss, do you know of anyone who’d want to take your daughter?”

“Take?” someone questions, but Ahri doesn’t know who because her ears start to ring and her breathing stops.

Ahri just sits in silence for a while as the boys go back and forth with the police, doing their best to help while also not trying to get anyone in trouble by revealing too much. After all, the police know who lives there. They know who used to live there too, the famous Taeyong and Jaehyun… They know who they’re dealing with. One slip up and everything’s over. But they can’t lie completely or else they’re of no help to the cops either. It’s a dangerous game to play, a slippery slope they have to navigate together while Ahri silently considers the worst.

“Ahr, look at me,” someone coos gently, pressing their palms to her cheeks. She looks up to find Doyoung on his knees in front of her, his eyes filled with worry, his face red from crying. “You okay?”

The boys are in Busan, there’s no way Doyoung was actually in front of her. No way. It’d only been a few minutes since she woke up and called the boys over for help.

“Ahr, talk to me.”

And then the couch cushion to her left sinks in under the weight of Jungwoo who is even more of a mess than Doyoung.

“How’re you here?” she croaks.

Doyoung sighs and slumps before explaining that Winwin called the second she called them, and the boys got on the first flight out of Busan. Ahri doesn’t believe it. That still two hours away at best, with an hour long flight, and getting to and from the airports…

“Baby, the cops have already been here almost two hours,” Jungwoo whispers.

Ahri looks around slowly. There’s more police now, swarming her home, investigating the little details of their private lives, like the family photos on the mantle beneath the TV, or the baby toys scattered around that make their way into evidence bags, or the dead security camera in the corner that faces the front door and the entirety of the living room— Johnny promised weeks ago that he was going to charge it… Doyoung offered to do it for him, but Johnny kept insisting that he’d get around to it eventually… Johnny’s standing in the entryway, the door propped open to accommodate the flow of traffic in and out of the house while he talks to an officer who’s jotting down notes and asking more questions. John looks… put together. While Doyoung looks like he cried the whole way home and tried to be presentable before looking at Ahri, and Jungwoo is crying at her side, clinging to her desperately… Johnny is standing tall, his head held high, not a single thing wavering about while he answered the tough questions, like why his girlfriend is seen kissing his group mates in framed pictures around the house.

“Where’s Reyna?” Ahri asks Doyoung.

Jungwoo presses his forehead against her shoulder and cries some more while Doyoung replies that he doesn’t know. The cops are looking. But they don’t know. They’ll know soon, though, he promises, she’ll be back home before Ahri knows it, and everything’s gonna be okay again. Yuta’s even on his way from Japan, and Mark and Haechan are trying to see if they can sneak out of their duties in Taipei to come home.

“I need to go look for her,” Ahri insists, pushing herself up to her feet. Doyoung and Jungwoo panic, both of them trying to sit her back down, telling her that she needs to relax or she’s going to hurt the baby. “I’m fine.” But Doyoung’s hands are glued over her baby bump as he has her sit back on the couch. “She’s probably just down the street or something. She’s been trying to push herself up to her feet recently—“

“Wait, she has?” Jungwoo questions.

“Maybe she took her first steps then wandered out.”

“Ahr, let the cops look for her, you need to relax,” Doyoung says adamantly.

But she’s up again on her feet, trying to make her way out of the house. Johnny’s attention is caught, and he’s what suddenly stands between Ahri and freedom through the front door. He’s saying the same thing Doyoung is. The baby this, the baby that. The cops are looking, Yuta’s on a war path on his way home from Japan, someone’s gonna find Reyna, but Ahri needs to sit down.

“Baby, you’re pale—“ Johnny puts a hand on her forehead. “Shit, Ahri—“

The boys have a tendency to be overdramatic when it comes to Ahri. Well, at least that’s what Ahri says. They feel like they’re completely in the right for having her taken to the fucking HOSPITAL after she passed out. She’s fine. It’s just the stress and exhaustion, and it doesn’t help that she is pregnant, like they tried to remind her of when she wouldn’t just sit down like that asked! Johnny’s giving her that look. The silent judging one that says if they weren’t in a hospital, and she hadn’t just woken up, and there wasn’t other things to worry about like finding their daughter, and she wasn’t pregnant, Ahri was in so, so, so much trouble. They flew back from Busan in the middle of the night to look for Reyna. How could Ahri get them all worked up and worried like this? But then he gives her another look, a softer one that’s filled with relief as he inches closer to her, his torso practically lying on the hospital bed as he kisses her knuckles. He’s just relieved she’s okay.

“Yuta’s almost here,” he says quietly, trying to keep her docile. “Mark and Hyuck are on a flight home.”

“Reyna?”

“They’re still looking. They checked the camera we have facing her crib… Someone was in the house while you’re sleeping—“

Ahri moves to push herself out of bed, but Johnny’s stronger than she is, and he has the upper hand, so it’s easy for him to just. Push her by the shoulders back onto the bed. Gently, of course. And she lays there, giving him a look that says she wants to be useful, she wants to do something, not just sit around and wait for someone else to find their daughter. But for the sake of not giving her any bad ideas, Johnny doesn’t give into her adorable eyes.

“Let me grab the others.”

He leaves her side for just a moment to open the door, and immediately a group of boys are flooding in. Doyoung, Jungwoo— And then a wave of relief washes over Ahri when she sees both Taeyong and Jaehyun, wearing civilian clothing.

“How?” she croaks as they both lean down to hug her.

“Emergency leave,” Jae replies, his hand on her baby bump. “I listed you as my next of kin, so they notified me when you were admitted. My commanding officer… I think he put the pieces together…”

And as he leans down to kiss Ahri’s belly, she looks at Taeyong.

“I have extraordinary performance leave of absence rewards saved up, because I was going to use them later to Reyna’s birthday.”

No one says anything to that. Instead, Ahri sits up comfortably, even though the boys look displeased. Overdramatic. So the police checked one of the only working cameras in the house— Because Ahri charged it before the boys left so that they could check on Reyna whenever they were gone and missing her— and someone walked through their home… Quietly went past Ahri to get Reyna, and walked out? How? Why? The alarm wasn’t set… No one else was in the house… And they picked the front door lock easily. Still doesn’t answer why, though. None of the boys have an explanation. The cops don’t either.

“A sasaeng?” Ahri breathes out the forbidden word.

To them, saying that is similar to the weight of “Voldemort” in Harry Potter. They never talk about sasaengs, never care about them, never make it seem like their actions will change a thing. Sure, sasaengs were the reason Ahri could never go out in public with the boys, and no one could ever know about Reyna. But that was a given from the first day Johnny asked out Ahri… Sasaengs did plenty of things to the boys since then, but they never let that impact their relationship. Ever. Maybe they should worry about them more… Fear them, even. Someone broke into their home and took their daughter. That doesn’t just happen. How could a random person know that the boys lived there but weren’t there, and why would they take Reyna without bothering Ahri? It doesn’t make any sense.

“She needs her medicine soon,” Ahri continues when no one says anything. “The prescription on the counter, it was still there when I was looking for… She needs it every twelve hours…”

The boys slump into their own chairs, hiding their faces in their hands while considering all the possibilities.

“It’s going on six hours since you noticed she was gone,” Johnny says. “The police aren’t going to do anything ‘til they have a lead, but maybe we can rush them along if they know we’re racing against the clock…” He bites his lip— A bad habit he has behind closed doors when he’s anxious. “Sasaengs are detectives too, right? They can find anyone.”

Taeyong shakes his head. “Absolutely not.”

“It’d rush things along.”

“No.”

“It would just be me… I’ll do it alone—“

“No.”

“What are we even talking about?” Jungwoo questions.

And before Johnny and Taeyong can continue to duke it out, the door opens again, a frantic Yuta running in to kiss Ahri before turning to Johnny.

“Who do I have to hit?”

Johnny gestures for Yuta to sit and cool off. He only just got back, he doesn’t know that for hours they’ve been sitting around, waiting helplessly for the police to do something, all of the boys left to ponder what they’re going to do to the asshole who took their daughter once they get their hands on him. Yuta seems on the side of torture. Johnny’s not…. against the thought… But he’s the one who has to keep them together, so he tosses up his idea again, but rather than leaving it as a potential solution, he’s adamant he’s going to go through with it.

“I’ll take to the police. They might set up a press conference, or I’ll do it at the company. Either way… We just need the fans to know what’s going on.”

“What do you not get when I say no?” Taeyong argues. “It’s a bad idea. It’ll ruin you, Ahri and Reyna won’t be anonymous anymore, you put Reyna at risk even more—“

Yuta takes a seat on Ahri’s bed rather than in a chair like the others. “What the fuck did I miss?”

“He wants to hold a press conference to ask for help finding Reyna.”

“Wait, like… Tell everyone about us?” Jungwoo’s eyes go wide.

“No, no,” Johnny insists. “Just me and Ahri. Listen, it’s inevitable, don’t you think? My name’s on Reyna’s birth certificate, the damn marriage license with Ahri so that she doesn’t have to lift a finger, so that we can take care of her. Every doctor we’ve seen knows I’m her dad. They sign her paperwork with my name all over it. Nurses see us in these hallways every few weeks for check ups… Everyone at the company knows about me and Ahri, they know about Reyna. What do you think is gonna happen when she gets old enough for school and we have to put her in day care? All those fancy private schools are going to ask to know who her father is, and they’re going to interview me and Ahri, and do background checks. People are going to find out. Either someone’ll leak it to the press, or we get ahead of it, I take the shame and blame, and instead of asking for their forgiveness, we ask for their help. All those girls out there who love us and have their ways of finding people will take pity on us, and help us find Reyna. If they want to keep shaming me for having a family after that, then… We deal with it then. But for now, if I do this, we find Reyna, and no one has to find out about all of us. All the doctors, nurses, and teachers will just think that my group mates are supportive and help me and my wife out with the kid. Right?”

Taeyong shakes his head still, refusing to look at Johnny. Because he’s right. A baby makes it next to impossible to stay a secret forever, but if they can change the narrative, and if it’ll help Reyna, then how can they not try?

“What if the other sasaengs get upset too and try to do something to Ahri or Reyna again?” Jaehyun asks.

“The cameras weren’t charged, hyung,” Doyoung says flatly. “And the alarm wasn’t on… and the lock is old… We did everything wrong, and that’s our fault. Whatever happens, we don’t let it happen again.”

Yuta shifts slightly to face Johnny. “What about your career, hyung?”

“I don’t care. I want her back.”

Taeyong’s less than happy about it, but after that, Johnny goes to talk to the police again to see if they’ll let him hold a press conference. Parents do it all the time when their child goes missing. They use the news to ask for help searching for a suspect and their kid, so why couldn’t they do the same? Being idols doesn’t mean they can’t ask for their daughter back.

Ok blah blah Aurora is skipping a bit cuz I'm over this part and want to move the plot along yada yada-- anyhow. I'm gonna go back to summarizing for a second. Bear w/ me plz <3

So Johnny goes through with it, making a heartfelt plea in front of the police station, facing the cameras, a letter in his hands. Ahri hardly ever sees Johnny waver. But when she and the rest of the boys watching on the TV see him shaking like a leaf, it sends a shiver down her spine. He's always so stoic... But not now... Not as he reveals that he's legally married to a woman he really loves, and the cameras start clicking more and more as he reveals that he has a family, a beautiful baby girl who went missing in the night. His plea for help, for their baby to come home because she needs her meds breaks Taeyong. Mark and Haechan get to the hospital just after the press conference, the two of them in shambles. Hyuck hardly keeps it together while cuddling in bed with Ahri, and Mark crumbles the second the others take turns hugging him.

"There's no updates," Johnny says after he gets back to the hospital. He sees Mark sitting in the corner, and the two of them meet to hug. Hyuck doesn't even try to get out of the hospital bed. "The police said they'll call me if there's anything else..."

They wait. A long time. Most of them didn't sleep the night before, and even with their anxieties over the situation and how they are trying so hard not to fall asleep, but it's next to impossible at some point to keep their eyes open... Hyuck falls asleep first, then Jungwoo, Doyoung, but then the fluttering eyes stop there. Johnny's sitting with his phone charging in his lap, staring at the dark screen, waiting for it to light up at any moment with news. Jaehyun and Taeyong are talking quietly, and Mark is picking at his lips while staring at the closed door, hoping that someone'll run in with Reyna, saying that she's home and she's safe, that whoever took her somehow got her meds for whatever impossible reason... When Johnny's phone does ring, the whole room wakes up, listening for what's going to be said on the other side after Johnny turns on the speaker. It's not the news they were hoping for. Not the news they wanted.

Side note from Aurora again: I think someone asked me before if Mark ever finds out that he's Reyna's dad. Canonically, no. But here we go.

Well, bringing it public worked, but not in the way anyone expected-- A demand was made, a simple one. Money? No. Did they have some kind of blackmail? Kind of. What was it? They want Johnny to be honest about who Reyna's dad is, and the truth about their relationship. The boys are petrified. What? Why? They don't even know who her dad is, so what does it matter? How does the person who has her even know about them, about how Johnny might not be Reyna's biological dad? What would this person get out of it?

"I'll call you back," is all Johnny says before he hangs up on the officer calling.

"How would we even know the truth?" Jaehyun asks. With their second kid, they know who the dad is, they know Jaehyun is the one responsible for that-- But with Reyna, they promised that they would never know the truth in order to be fair.

"She had a bunch of tests done when she was in the hospital this year, you remember?" Johnny sniffles, staring at the ground in shame. "I had them run a DNA test, just in case she was sick with something hereditary, I don't know, okay, I was panicking, and as her dad, I didn't need to do anything but ask the nurse to just... do it..."

"Fuck, Johnny," Yuta curses angrily.

"None of you even noticed when I took your used coffee cups or toothbrushes for the samples."

"Jesus," Jae whispers.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't think it would matter!"

"Who knows?" Ahri asks.

"Anyone in this hospital, and then anyone they could have told, and so on."

The reality was crashing down on them. Fuck. Shit.

"We didn't know why she was sick! I was scared!"

"You can't just go behind our backs like that, though!" Jungwoo cries.

Taeyong stands and paces for a moment, catching everyone's attention, drawing the room to silence again before he speaks, "So who is it?" Johnny gulps. "You know the truth, and they're demanding we say something, so it can't be you or else no one would care. So who is it?"

Johnny bites his lip momentarily. "Mark."

Everyone's gaze shifts to the second youngest who goes pale, his eyes wide, his breath stopping within an instant like it had been knocked out of him by Johnny himself. Mark. Out of all of them, the one who was most nervous about having Reyna, the one who doubted himself the most, but also the most worried about her when she got sick was Mark, and all along, Johnny knew the truth.

"We can't tell anyone," Haechan immediately insists. "If we do, it'll be over. Everything. He's been working for all of this for too long, harder than most of us, giving up more than all of us combined-- If Mark's name is dragged into this, it's over. Our groups, his album, his career. We can't."

"We could lie," Doyoung offers.

"And if the person who has Reyna knows we're lying, then what?" Taeyong bites rudely, still pacing and shaking his head. "It's over."

"We can wait for the police to catch a lead," Jaehyun says.

"And if that takes too long, then what? She's already past when she needed to take her meds... If we wait longer..." Taeyong chokes on a sob that he swallows after a deep breath.

Mark finally lets out a shaky breath while leaning backwards, his head hitting the wall behind him with defeat. "We have to do it."

"Even if we don't say who her dad is, and even if we lie, they're still demanding we tell the truth about our relationship," Johnny adds.

"They have no proof, though," Ahri says, letting out a defeated scoff. "They're probably just guessing, or trying to make you say something they don't know is true in order to ruin your careers and reputations. There's no proof! So why do we have to listen to them?"

"The pictures in the house, Ahr," Johnny says. "They were in our home, you think they didn't gather evidence about our lives first, digging for something else to blackmail us with?"

"Okay, the pictures show us hugging and kissing. So what?"

"Idols have been burned for worse," Haechan croaks.

Silence again for a minute.

"I'll do it," Mark finally says more confidently as he sits up straight. "I'll do it just to get her back."

"Mark--" Hyuck tries to protest.

"I can't speak for the rest of you, so I'm not going to, but I just want Reyna back safe, and if that means giving up our glory days, then... fine... I'll gladly give up the spotlight for her."

Taeyong sits again. "Me too. All they know, and all there's proof of is that we've all had a relationship with Ahri, and that's not against any laws, especially if we don't fess up to a timeline or that we're all... You know..."

They can't be that honest. Even if they wanted to, admitting the reality would land Taeyong and Jae in jail, and the others would face too many concequences to count. It was true, there were pictures in the house of their family, but it was mostly just them standing around while Ahri posed as she held Reyna in her arms. Others were of her kissing one of the boys, or one of them kissing her cheek. There is no timeline for anyone to form out of those images, and the hope is that those pictures will never make it to the public anyhow. So... the best thing to do is say that they all dated Ahri, and that Mark is Reyna's dad. It meets the demands, and it saves their skin for the most part. Their careers were going to be over, but Mark seems certain that he doesn't care, and Taeyong's right behind him.

"Okay," Yuta agrees.

Jaehyun, Johnny, Doyoung, and Jungwoo are all nodding. There's just one odd man out, one person who's frozen in place, shaking like a chihuahua in Ahri's arms. Haechan. Being an idol is all he's ever known-- All most of them have ever known, but it's his life, it's where his family is, and being on stage is what he was born to do. Giving it all up in an instant is terrifying.

"Do we all have to say it?" he asks quietly.

Johnny shakes his head. "I can do the talking, and maybe Mark'll have to, too, but you won't."

Haechan gulps. "Do I have to stand in front of the cameras?"

"We have to apologize, Hyuck," Doyoung replies shyly.

Because of the shame of what they've done, they all have to get up there and apologize to the fans-- Even though they shouldn't have to, and the whole situation is so stupid and unfair to them! They aren't hurting anyone. They were happy living a quiet life with Ahri and Reyna behind closed doors while still going out and performing for the fans who love them so much. Apologizing feels wrong... But it's necessary, unfortunately.

Hyuck nods with a deep breath then turns to hide against Ahri who holds him and tells him that it's going to be alright while Johnny and Mark get up to call the police back, to set it all up.

"I'm so sorry," Ahri says.

No one blames her. It's not her fault they fell in love with her, and it's not her fault that they all agreed to dating each other. It's not her fault that this happened to them, that some fucked up person decided to intrude on their personal lives. She doesn't have to apologize anymore than they do... But like them, she feels like she has to.

Ok Aurora's back to check in on how we're doing. Do we need a drink? I got vodka in the cabinets. I can get soju or something if you need to get through the rest of this. How about some snacks? Maybe a anti-delulu pill? No? We good? Okay. Let's run it. We're gonna be switching to the boys' POV now wowowweewow (I'm going crazy)

Ahri doesnt watch the news when the boys leave for the press conference. She can't bear to see what's going to happen, even though it's the boys who have to endure the worst while she lays uselessly in a hospital bed as the reason that all of this is happening in the first place. If she never met Johnny, this wouldn't have happened. If she didn't have that threesome with Yuta, she and Johnny never would have talked about being in a polyamorous relationship. If she'd stopped eye-fucking Taeyong, Doyoung never would've gotten drunk and confessed his feelings for Ahri, and then Taeyong wouldn't have asked her out too........ If she didn't wear that short blue skirt on her birthday, then Reyna wouldn't have been born, and another babby wouldn't be on the way, and none of this would be happening. Their careers would be in tact. They wouldn't have to constantly worry about getting caught with Ahri or Reyna, or being seen being intimate with each other. It doesn't matter what the boys say, Ahri knows that all of this is her fault, and she just can't bear to watch it all crumble for that reason.

When the press conference is over, the media's trying to ask all kinds of questions while the boys are corralling each other off-stage. They had it set up at the company this time, the big logo behind them, some of their friends watching from the office windows, gossiping about what was going on. Johnny did most of the talking, like he promised. They admitted to the relationship with Ahri, and he said that his daughter isn't his, but actually Mark's. He didn't offer up any more details than necessary, and they refused to answer questions or make more comments. They are all so good about keeping their shit together in front of the cameras, even Haechan who is shaking uncontrollably and reaching to hold Mark's hand while they bow after after apologizing-- But the second they're inside and building and heading upstairs, perhaps for the last time before the company decides to kick them to the curb, he breaks. Haechan feels like he's being suffocated in the confines of the elevator. The second the doors open, he runs out and rushes to the locker room they always used after practices when they needed to shower... The boys follow. Haechan's already peeling off his clothes, running hot water and dipping under the shower head while crying, hoping the warm water will stop his shivers, and that the water will cover up his tears. But nothing helps. He holds onto the wall to balance himself while trying to control his breathing.

"I've got you," Taeyong coos, taking off his jacket to keep it try before reaching to keep Hyuck on his feet.

Yuta closes the locker room door behind all eight of them, then sits on the floor, his back against the door so no one can get in. Mark silently navigates his way to another shower in the far back corner, and without even taking off his shoes or stripping out of his clothes, he turns on the water and falls to his knees, facing away from the room so no one can see his face. Doyoung, Jungwoo, Jaehyun, and Johnny gather around the benches where they used to set their bags down while they changed clothes or stripped before showering. Now it's used for all of them sit in silence except for Johnny. He stands, his back pressed against a wall full of unused lockers.

They're all trying to think of something funny to say to lighten the mood, but nothing comes out. Not while Mark is isolating himself in the corner and Haechan's having a panic attack. Now all there's left to do is wait. Wait for news about Reyna... Wait for the public reaction to their scandal... Are they going to be shunned forever, forced out of the industry, never to show their faces in public again... Or will the fans be split on the situation, allowing the company to keep the boys on but at least put them on hiatus for a bit until things die down... And what about Mark and Haechan participating in Dream? Will the fans call for their removal or will no one give two fucks?

"Should we go talk to the police?" Doyoung asks.

The police were downstairs, still talking to the media, not about the boys' relationship with Ahri or the scandal itself, but asking for more help finding Reyna, trying to get information about who took her.

"Let's just... sit here for a bit..." Jaehyun responded. "Nothing matters in here..."

Once Yuta would move out of the doorway and they'd step outside, reality would hit again. They would have to face the consequences of their actions, apologize some more, explain themselves to questioning executives, talk to police officers who were practically useless trying to find Reyna. But in that locker room, the eight of them were just... them. The same locker room where they used to snap towels at each other, or where Johnny would find a way to turn off the hot water so all of them jumped into freezing showers unexpectedly, or where some of them kissed for the first time because there was no one around and it was guaranteed that there were no cameras watching them. In the locker room, Taeyong could take care of Haechan without worrying about someone catching onto why he was actually doing it. Inside, Yuta could guard the door to protect the others while they grieved what should have been the most successful years of their lives-- Despite their shitty company who never did them any favors. Inside, Jungwoo could start to sob as he worried about Reyna. Afterall, he was the one who had her in his room when she got sick, and he spent every day since then worried to death that something else would happen to her. He kept track of her meds, he made sure she ate enough of Johnny and Doyoung's cooking, he made sure that none of the boys were in contact with her after traveling abroad because that's what the doctor ordered. His worst fear was having her get sick all over again. And while this was worse nightmare than that, the anxiety of thinking about what was happening to her without her meds made it impossible for Jungwoo to think straight.

Minutes later, Johnny's phone rings. He frantically answers it with a worried croak, "Ahri?" that catches everyone's attention except for the three boys in the shower room. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, J. I have her."

"What?"

"I have her. Reyna. She's fine. She's here with me, she's safe, she's healthy, she not sick. I have her back."

Johnny suddenly slides down the lockers before sitting on the floor with a loud thud that leaves the rest of the boys even more concerned. "How?"

"I don't know," she says. "I was asleep after you guys left, and I just woke up, and there she was, in a hospital crib next to my bed, asleep and babbling happily."

"Someone just... left her there?"

"I guess? I don't know."

The ever so stoic Johnny falls apart, sobbing into his free hand while still holding his phone up to his ear. It worked. They took a gamble giving into the demands, giving up everything they've built together, but it worked.

"Ahr has Reyna," he announces to the boys with a cry.

Jaehyun lets out a sigh of relief into his hand as he leans forward. Doyoung's able to cry again after trying to hold back in front of Ahri ever since they got back from Busan. Jungwoo's crying more, but he has enough in him to ask if she's okay. Yeah, she's okay. She's the happy baby they know and love.

Yuta abandons his post at the door to go to the shower room, kicking off his shoes before walking over to Mark who's still drenched in his own clothes beneath the freezing cold water that makes Yuta hiss when he reaches out to caress Mark's back lovingly. Mark jolts when he's touched. He looks up, eyes red and puffy, obvious tears streaming down his face despite his attempt to hide them in the shower. Yuta turns off the water. He crouches down besides Mark and pats him on the head.

"Ahri has Reyna back."

Mark's lower lip trembles, then he grabs Yuta's shirt and starts to cry against him.

Taeyong turns off the water and helps Hyuck out of the shower finally now that he's calmed down and isn't shaking so much anymore. The good news comes as an overwhelming relief to all of them. Hyuck gladly accepts help getting dried off and put back into his clothing because he knows that the sooner they're ready to leave, the faster they can go back to the hospital to see Ahri and Reyna. Mark's a bit slower. It takes him a few minutes to be convinced by Yuta to be lifted to his feet as he's still crying, and when they walk into the locker area where the rest of the boys are, Doyoung's already supplied one of the stupid company merch T-shirts and a pair of gym shorts that are always in the locker rooms for whenever one of the boys stupidly forgets to bring practice clothes with them. Usually that only happens to the trainees... Still, the extra supply of clothes helps them in the long run because they manage to peel Mark out of his sopping wet clothes and into dry ones.

"I'm gonna talk to the police before we leave for the hospital," Johnny says, already off the phone with Ahri since nurses wanted to check on Reyna. As he weaves his way through the group, he gently holds the back of Hyuck's neck and presses a kiss to his temple, then continues on towards the door.

alright, squad, let's take a breather... *pops an anti-delulu pill* that'll kick-in in about 30 min, so let's finish this puppy

Later, when the boys arrive at the hotel, Johnny's first mission is to see with his own eyes that Reyna is in fact there, alive, and okay, before he finds the doctor and starts asking about how the hell someone walked through the hospital with their daughter in a hospital cradle, dropped her off in Ahri's room, and walked out without being seen. No one knows. The police are checking cameras, trying to figure out who's responsible, and how and why this all happened... But no one knows anything. And that irritates Johnny. How's he supposed to keep his family safe when they don't even know who or what he's supposed to be keeping them safe from?

The other boys rush Ahri's hospital room like a fucking stampede. Everyone's trying to be the first to see her, all of them asking a million questions that Ahri has few answers to. Yes, Reyna's healthy. The doctors can't find anything wrong with her... It's almost like she did take her meds, which is odd, because they're prescriptions, and they're in the house still, according to the police who went to check earlier. No, she's not upset. Hell, Reyna doesn't even know what the fuck is going on. The second she's in Taeyong's arms, she's giggling and reaching to poke the little divot spot under his eye. She's not exactly happy to be in Jaehyun's arms, which is the only unusual thing, but they realize once she tries to reach up for his now non-existent long hair that she's just pissed his hair is still so short. Like mother, like daughter.

"Can I?" Mark chirps up, stepping forward between Taeyong and Jaehyun.

Their smiles falter slightly at the realization of what this means to him now, after everything, but Jaehyun willingly surrenders her to Mark who accepts her with a heavy, scared sigh. As she settles in his arms, Reyna coos happily again. And then she hiccups. She whines uncomfortably, squirming around in his arms, trying to get comfortable as she hiccups again... But Mark's giggling at her.

"Welcome home... Our little Reyna..."

Back then, when she was born, Mark held her in his arms, and he was giggling and cooing at her the same way when the name "Reyna" accidentally slipped out of his mouth. He hadn't meant to name her. He figured that should've been left up to Ahri, or Johnny, or someone else, but never him. It just happened so suddenly. "My Reyna," that was what he said back then. But now, after everything, she was their Reyna.

good job, squad, we survived! hope you enjoyed this non-canon retelling of a dream i had about poly!ilichil x ahri lol

[lowkeyrobin]

Hiii im a chronically ill and disabled person and I was wondering if you could do a Ranboo x gender neutral reader that’s having a doctors appointment (list of things they would do for comfort when reader is fearful of being there?) :3

hi!!! and yes of course I could!! hope you enjoy! sorry if anything seems a little inaccurate bc I took some stuff I already know and used it for this and stuff but everyone's different lmao

RANBOO ; minor nosocomephobia

summary ; you take ranboo to the doctors with you for some moral support

warnings ; language, talk about hospitals/illness, nail biting and nervous scratching

genre ; fluff

word count ; 578

masterlist

he notices you fidgeting around as you're making your way up the elevator, picking at your nails, scratching your wrists, frequently running a hand through your hair, etcetera

they silently rub your shoulder and give you a little comforting nod as you travel down to the office where the nurses were directing you

you guys have to wait like a fucking hour after the nurse checks your blood pressure and does some basic procedures and whatnot

meanwhile they eventually reach into their enormous pockets and pull out a little fidget toy for you

"you better stop picking at your nails before I smack you. slash lighthearted"

he ensures that while he blabbers on about dumb shit, that you at least smile or giggle

he understands that you're nervous and with the long amount of waiting, it doesn't make it any better, delaying it more just makes you more anxious

if your focus strays away from the fidget toy he brought for you, he's got three more don't even worry bro

while the doctor is asking you questions, you keep looking over at them like they're gonna speak for you because you don't know how to answer some of the questions

at one point you have no idea what the doctor meant because the words got jumbled in your head from the anxiety

ranboo quickly answered for you in a heartbeat and apologized, considering they saw you silent trying to think

while the doctor has you do some physical tests to make sure your heart is running at a "you-normal" pace, he's hyping you up

if you have to do a 6 minute walk to track the way your lungs and heart pump blood and give you air to breathe, he's at one end of the hallway quietly shouting compliments and getting you through it with a little less embarrassment

the doctor is confused but supportive of him doing this for you considering they always knew you seemed very anxious around the the hospital and you seemed a little less scared about it

whatever to get you talking a little more could really go the extra mile, they're happy that you found a good way to do that as well, especially with it being a person

if for any reason they need to stick tubes on you or take ultrasounds around your body, he'll let you squeeze his hand all that you need to

they promise you your favorite fast food/takeout afterwards that way you'll try and get through it a little smoother

if you need him outside the room to talk to your doctor, he leaves in a heartbeat, he'll never disrespect your privacy, don't worry

he took pictures of all your medication bottles before leaving since he knew you'd forget to

you guys both messily botch the names while trying to pronounce them and you and the doctor all get a laugh out of it

he writes down everything the doctor says/recommends for you

they talk with the doctor in private for a bit and stuff while you're signing papers and shit

the sigh of relief once you leave 😭 ran literally looks down at you with a "yeah?"

on the way back down to the parking garage you're still fidgeting with the little tangle they'd given you because obviously going to the doctors because you're chronically ill isn't the funnest thing ever

gives you a big hug once you get to the car

"see? you're so brave and awesome"

"well, thanks for coming with me"

[emmatgc]

Wonderful World Part 9

I Found Love (where it wasn’t supposed to be) 

Seon Yul POV 

“And I've moved further than I thought I could

But I missed you more than I thought I would

And I'll use you as a warning sign

That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind

And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be

Right in front of me

Talk some sense to me” 

This is Seon Yul’s current favorite song listening to it upon arriving at their rented dorm just outside the hospital they will be studying for a short course. This is on replay button. He can’t help but feel this is his song for her and towards her. It is 1pm in Germany, and it is 8:00pm in Korea. He wasn’t able to call upon landing an hour ago since everything went fast when they were fetched by the dorm master and showed their place. He doesn’t want to be rude and all, so he just texted Soo Hyun, smiling like a teenage boy “I’m here” and I miss you already”. 

He is now sitting and wondering if he calls her since its kinda late at night 

“I don’t know exactly where this feelings of mine started for HER. When my Mother told me to stop my revenge plans years ago, God, it feels like a decade ago but still raw.  All I wanted was to ruin her and make her feel the pain I was feeling. It started with a lie, everything. It wasn’t coincidence, I planned everything and somehow, the outcome was something I didn’t anticipated. I fell in love with her not knowing it was love. They say the opposite of love is hate and I believe that’s what happened to me. I tried to move on, and moved out away from her after that fateful day I went to her book signing event. That was 6 years after and I still felt the same. I was scared but I was sure. I wanted her. I don’t want anybody else. Hells be damn. I’d be lying if I didn’t feel conflicted. She killed my Father so how I can love her? It is twisted. I know. I wish I had answers but I don’t and I don’t care. Still, I would be fine if she didn’t love me back because the last thing I wanted is to force her and hurt her. We bleed the same. Now, she is saying we should give it a shot. Now, I am more than scared that I ever was. True, I want her but do I deserve her, really? What should I do now? God, I am acting like a greenly teenager having a huge crush on a teacher. Haha She is like a strict teacher in my eyes and I always have a thing for strong older woman. It is the reason I didn’t have girlfriends really and those younger than me, I treat them as lil sisters. I was attracted to more mature woman and Soo Hyun is just perfect. She is perfect. She was my torment but now she is my savior”

Checking his phone now, thinking of calling her… he continued in his thoughts 

“When I saw her at the airport time froze. I froze! I cannot believe my eyes. Is this some joke or am I dreaming? Then she hugged me and there it made sense. It is real. Honest to God, I wanted to kiss her right then but I held back for her sake. I didn’t know if she was ready. People say Im crazy but indeed I am. Now that I have her, or shall I say, we have a chance, she didn’t say she loves me yet, or is in love with me, we will take it slow like she said. Im happiest that I’ve ever been and I don’t want this to end. This is something new and everything is uncertain but she said “yes” to a chance and Im gonna try my very best to make her happy. I am sure of my feelings, the question is, will she be able to love me back?”

Soo Hyun POV

It is 8:00pm now, and Soo Hyun was restless and nervous. Will he call? Was it true, what happened at the airport? Maybe I am dreaming, maybe its all a bad joke. She is rumbling by herself. Then, her phone rang 

“I’m here and I miss you already” 

She dropped her phone and thank goodness she is in a couch. Her heart fluttered and her stomach felt butterflies. My gosh, she said, I am acting like a teenager! What should I reply then? Should I reply? Maybe tomorrow since its late already, he needs to rest but wait, our time zone is different now, she realizes. She prepared herself a tea to calm her nerves and it allowed her to think. Think about him and what happened at the airport. 

When Yoo Ra told me they were going abroad, I was shocked and I admit, I was feeling weird. Was I jealous? I know Yoo ra likes him. But I cannot stop thinking about him since he left the orphanage and I tried to stop thinking about him but I can’t. Im too old to feel this way. He is way too young for me and I….I killed his Dad. How can he love me like that? It is crazy. He is crazy. Whats crazier? Why am I feeling this way too? I want him but I know this is wrong. Who dares love the killer of his dad? This is some punishment from the Gods! Yet, if this is a sin then I guess I am willing to take. I want to be happy and I want to move on. I want to choose life and happiness and he….he makes me happy. I don’t know why and how but he does even those years ago, when we were at odds. I cared for him a great deal already. Not as guardian but as person, as a woman, too. Seon Yul didn’t know, I called the hospital and got Yoo Ra’s contact number. I lied that it has something to do about their work at the orphanage but really it wasn’t. We talked. She said “you are both crazy for each other and so if you have any feelings for him, then go with me at the airport and say it directly to his pretty damn face! Yoo ra is great. She is feisty. She should be the one with Seon Yul but He likes me instead. He is in love with me, he said. I like him, too. I want him in my life but truly, I am not sure if this is the same love I had for my husband yet. He was the only man in my life for a long time. But, I had to give my heart a chance this time. Gosh, am I doing the right thing? We bleed the same. The song I love entitled “where is my love” the lyrics there “Don’t she know, we bleed the same” hit me when I listen to it. When he was scared, I wanted to comfort him. When I was scared, he wanted to comfort me. He is like me with all the pain, the agony and sufferings. We can heal each other. We can move on. Together, we can. 

Drinking her tea..she continued “When I saw him at the airport, for the very 1st time, I found him so handsome. My heart skipped a beat. My goodness, I was crazy and acting like a school girl in front a crush! He is like the boy next door type after all. You know the guy across the street. Very pretty, handsome but really prettier than me. Haha.. I can sense his shock and disbelief and I wanted him to feel secured that I am giving this, Us…a chance. I like him and I want him to stay in my life. I don’t know how , or when it will stop of if I will stop but for now, it is what it is. I finally admit, I like him, too. I cannot deny it anymore. 

 It is 2pm now in Germany, Seon Yul is settled and he is worried because she didn’t replied. Is she asleep already? It is after all 9pm. He was about to call it a night when his phone rang… “I am glad you are there safely. Have you eaten? Don’t forget to eat promptly.” 

Haha he laughed. She is always thinking about feeding me and still so proper in her texts! Their “feeding” moments started the very 1st time they got to know each other. They talk over food and it made Seon Yul like her all the more. Seon Yul’s eyebrow slightly raised because she didn’t say she missed him back but it is ok he said, one step at a time. Trust the process. He wanted to reply “goodnight” already since he worries she might stay late if they still talk but he has to try. The boy has to try. He misses her already and he just wanted to hear his voice. 

There were 3 rings and finally, she answered. Seeing her phone rang and his name sent shivers to Soo Hyun. She is so nervous. 

Hello? She said. Hi, he replied.  Both were smiling. 

Seon Yul held his breath and there will silence. As always, Soo Hyun, the “mature” of the two, as she says it herself and she takes pride in it, ask how is he. 

How are you? I am glad your plane landed safely, Seon Yul.

It was a good flight. How are you? 

I am good. Im about to rest. 

Oh, Im sorry , I shouldn’t have called. We can..

NO, its ok. I am glad you called. 

Butterflies felt in his stomach. She is the only one who ca make him feel that way.. So…he said, he cleared his throat. Sorry, I don’t really know what to say, I’m such a mess. Im nervous, Soo Hyun. 

She laughed and replied “I am nervous, too. We are both crazy”. 

We are hahaha 

Have you eaten? You haven’t answered me yet. 

Do you miss me? You haven’t answered me either. 

Both answered simultaneously “I have, said Seon Yul and I do , said Soo Hyun. 

He has eaten and she misses him. 

Both seemed happy with their replies. 

Soo Hyun? 

Yes? 

What are we now? 

Hmmm… I don’t know. 

You don’t? 

I..am not sure but, exclusively dating? 

Seon Yul smiled so wide. His face is gonna hurt if he won’t stop smiling. 

Ok. 

OK? 

Yes. OK. We are dating. Exclusively. 

You don’t sound happy, Seon Yul? 

I can show you how happy I am but it won’t be appropriate Soo Hyun 

She shivered again. She finds him sexy just this instant. 

Is he flirting with me? Soo Hyun wonders. 

He sense the tension and maybe the shyness of Soo Hyun, and he broke it off, still smiling. 

We will take this one day at a time. Nice, easy and slow Soo Hyun, don’t worry. 

They thought they will talk for a minute or two but ended talking 2 hours. They talked about his room in Germany. She was pleased to know the decorations and such. He told her about his scholarship and she was very much impressed. He loves impressing her.  He asked about the orphanage and it seems they are comfortable as they can at least for now. They are friends after all and to level up, is another thing. 

You better rest and sleep now, Soo Hyun. 

Alright. Goodnight Seon Yul. 

Take care please? She added. 

Always. Goodnight and I…I love you. 

You are playing dirty, Seon Yul. 

I’m not. You are. 

See you, I mean, let’s talk again tomorrow. 

Someones excited to see me home already huh.mm

Let’s put the phone now, she said and embarrassed. They both laughed 

Goodnight. Goodnight.

They finally put the phone down and she slept. He on the other hand has to prepare for a meeting. They are now somehow together. They are exclusively a “thing”, dating” They like that word. 

For 5 weeks, the long distance “Sort of relationship” they have was a challenge but not a big one. Yet for Seon Yul, he started missing her so bad already. Seon Yul had a great time in Germany and in his last few days, he was ready to go home. He wants to see her so bad already. 

Yoo Ra will have a different flight and different day to go back. She will stay over for another week. Seon Yul can’t wait to go home. He wants to bring something for her. Yoo Ra helped him tour the city. 

“I meant to ask you, did you and Soo Hyun talked? That day at the airport. How did it happened? 

Yoo ra being funny and jealous of Seon Yul being in love and she, still single, said “I told her if she won’t pursue you, I will?” 

You did what? Seon Yul, about to get furious

Hahahaha..she laughed so hard. Relax, greenboy. I was joking. To cut the story short, we talked. Girl talk. That’s all. So, stop asking already. 

He bought her a cashmink scarf from FRAAS, an 18th century famous german brand. She likes scarfs and he wants to put it on her. Winter is coming and he also bought her a jacket and scented candles. He bought also Kaweco Fountain pens. Of course pens, he said! She needed pens for writing and book signing. Yoo ra can’t help but laughed at him. “You haven’t even bought 1 thing for yourself and Soo Jin, you are a bad friend, Seon Yul” She smacked him at the back. 

He bought a tea set for himself and wanted that tea set for them to use when she visits his home soon. He imagines Soo Hyun having tea at his house. He also bought basic building blocks for the kids in the orphanage. HE never bought a lot for someone ever before. Not even for her mother or father. He has it bad, he thought. 

Yoo ra bid goodbye and they will see each other in Korea next week. 

Seon Yul was packing when he heard his phone rang. 

It is Soo Jin 

Hey bro! I heard you are arriving tomorrow. I want to fetch you but I believe somebody is fetching you tomorrow, right? I don’t want to be the third wheel. Haha, Yoo ra said the same thing. Ill see you soon! Im gonna be mad if I don’t have a gift, bro! 

Seon Yul laughed and thought to himself he has the best friends in the world. Another less to worry in this crazy world they have now entered. 

Soo Hyun texted Seon Yul. “Ill see you tomorrow. “

See you tomorrow. 

I miss you… Seon Yul was shocked to read and he read it again to check if he is wrong or just sleepy right now. But it says right there, she missed him. It’s progress, he said. He giggled. 

He replied “I miss you more. See you tomorrow!”

The next day, Soo Hyun was early. She was excited. She missed him dearly. He was gone more than a month and the yearning and longing was strong for him. She can’t deny it further. 

An hour later…there he is. 

He has arrived. All wearing his gorgeous smile , pretty hair, in white. She wants to run towards her but her feet seems stuck and she can’t move. He is back. He is now my…my Seon Yul. Distracted, Seon Yul hugged her first. He smelled her and squeezed her. 

“Hi” he said. 

Hello, she answered. Welcome back…welcome home. 

Yeah, it is good to be back. 

Let’s go, she said. 

Wait, he said. He took the scarf and put it on her neck. The fuchsia pink scarf. He bought 3 actually. You look beautiful, he murmur.

There, you are ready now. We are ready now. 

Where to? He asked. 

Anywhere with you? she replied.

He chuckled. Sounds romantic, he replied.  They both have huge grin and acting so in love. 

Let’s go. He held her hands. This time though, she interlocked her fingers in his. They were holding hands, properly and romantically now. 

The dating era is about to begin. 

Indeed, they both found love where it wasn’t supposed to be. 

Note :  I do back up research on this story ever since just because also I am a researcher myself. From the places in Korea to the songs, the inspiration and just currently, about Germany, and its famous hospital areas and gifts. Originally, I intended for this to be a 1 shot story but I want to honor and craft slowly this slow burn love story of our favorite characters. They deserve it. I hope you are feeling what I am feeling. I surprisingly enjoyed this for months now. Writing this one, my ever 1st fanfic is very challenging but enjoyable. Now, instead of 10 chapters, this would be probably be 12 at least. So, thank you for sticking with my story. You don’t know how much it means to me. Here and on X (twitter) thank you so much for your support! Next chapter is called “Secret Lovers”. Enough said, the title is everything and more. See yah!

[castlebyersafterdark]

wow, im so curious as to you thinking the show could have done with more time and episodes? even aside from the bloat of s4, i felt like s3 especially could have benefitted from some major tightening up. like editing a novel down. the stuff with nancy and jon felt long-winded, like the endless running down corridors in the hospital. and my casual viewer friends will surely love it if will is the secret hero, because by s3 sauna episode they were like 'are they really gonna keep repeating the same solution which is el just points and screams at every monster who appears?' lmao

i mean, i think they should have kept more of the mystery and put in less of the visual horror, but i do love the metaphor of it all. its just the execution of s3 for me was a bit jarring. too much neon. your eyes need a visual break from all the colour and repetitive outfits. s4 took the biscuit with mike's windbreaker - if it wasnt for byler i would have been rolling my eyes. i mean, take your shirt off! white t shirt in only one scene? it's gotta be important otherwise why subject me to cerulean nightmares for 6 episodes in a row.

anyway, i know s5 is gonna reveal All The Shit, but i truly loved knowing nothing in s1. Stranger things is at its best as a mystery thriller not a horror imo.

See here's the thing and I KNOW it's an unpopular opinion in today's mindset in regards to TV/Movies - I am not one of those people who would ever complain about a movie being over 3 hours. I am not someone who complains about filler. I want more. I am fucking greedy. I miss filler episodes and diverging storylines and a B plot and a C plot and a Useless plot. I wanted to see more of the Party actually in school together. I wanted to learn more in-depth backstories to the kids at the lab. I wanted to get the plot of the First Shadow play as a several-episode flashback arc. Etc. So many possibilities. And I know all of that might make it a very different show and the entire vibe might change but I just really love Stranger Things and while it's so great - I'm always going to want more.

It's frustrating to me with the limited screentime already so much does feel repetitive. I like Hopper but I'm frustrated by how I'm unable to solidly weave the Russia plot into my theorizing, I draw a blank there. I get frustrated with the repetitive El storylines where other characters could be expanded on. Just thoughts. A lot can be said.

[wrongcaitlyn]

also, since i feel bad about making you guys wait so long and i'm also not 100% sure if i'll manage a chapter before sunday (will be trying, but it's been a whileDJSD) here's a snippet of what i've already written!

and a little update on the chapter, i've got like.. 1/6 of it done? ish? and i def could've written more earlier but instead i spent an hour planning and outlining one of nico's future music videos with @wronghuntress

it's a very cool mv and i am very proud of it and just like the details and aesthetics of the next few albums are ahghsldkjsldfj im so so excited for you guys to seee!! i feel like i should be making pinterest boards for these. but that's my brain derailing me again. i will do that over summer.

so!! snippet!!

They decide on the end of July for the rescheduled concerts. Partly because it gives Nico a little over two months to mentally prepare, partly because Will has a summer class in June so he’d be able to travel with them in July (along with Leo, who invited himself along too), and partly because it worked with Alex’s schedule.

Until then, though, there turns out to be a lot to get done.

Will’s rescheduled finals have been all finished by the end of May. Apollo has set up a series of job interviews for the three main people he’s decided they need—a publicist, a tour manager, and an assistant for him (that last one was pushed for by Nico, and then Will as well, and because Apollo isn’t able to resist their combined efforts, it worked)—throughout the last week of May and early June. The Archery World Championships are from the tenth to the sixteenth, in the Netherlands, and the entire family will be there to watch Kayla. 

From there on, it’s studio work, studio work, and more studio work throughout the rest of June. It’s a lot of therapy. It’s some secret project that Apollo keeps obviously working on, but is clearly attempting to hide the evidence of. Nico doesn’t know whether he should be concerned, but his eye bags have faded slightly, and he’s returned to styling his hair rather than throwing it up in a bun, so Nico thinks that’s a good sign.

The New York estate doesn’t have a proper studio—at least, not as good as Apollo’s house in LA. Still, it has the basics, including a mic, a computer with some audio editing software that Nico’s familiar with, and a keyboard, so while Will is studying and out taking his exams, Nico is there. 

For once, he feels like he doesn’t have much to write about the situation. It scares him for a bit when first walking into the studio, expecting to open his phone to an extensive list of depressing lyrics, only to find nothing.

He tells Mr. D that during their next therapy session. There’s no concrete answer, because Nico isn’t quite sure what exactly prompts him to spill out his thoughts in lyric form usually, but Mr. D had suggested the idea that instead of falling straight to the conclusion and having to sort out his thoughts, he was instead stuck in a sort of paralysis while Will was in the hospital, and then immediately talked out his feelings in person rather than on paper afterward.

Nico supposes that it makes sense. But that doesn’t stop him from rushing to the studio as soon as he’s sure Will won’t ‘accidentally’ overwork himself once left alone for over an hour—just to see if there really isn’t anything left to say.

It turns out, there is. There always is. But the songs that he writes now feel more self-deprecating and slightly relieved rather than the accusatory, grieving tones of the rest of the album. And besides, he thinks that he’s too close to a possible release date (or, at least, the beginning of the promotional singles process) to be planning an entirely new series of songs.

He still writes them, of course. They’ll just have to remain in lyric form, for now, though.

[catgirlbussy]

holy shit i just realised im autistic

i know this seems like a shitpost, and tbf i am laughing at myself pretty hard rn. it's dawning on me at 6 AM after being awake all night, but (if you care, and if you don't feel free to ignore too, have a nice day!) hear me out, cause this genuinely feels meaningful and insightful for me with how my life has gone so far. I spent an hour writing this post in hopes someone might find it helpful too :3c

If you don't wanna read my post pls enjoy this picture of our famous friend autism baby stackin those cans before you go~♪

(source: wikipedia)

l

like i already /knew/ I was before this moment, but i was thinkin about what i used to do as a kid and wow i am so autistic how the fuck did i not realise sooner. It straight up wasn't until I was already well into my 20's that I started to meet other autistic people online and learned about their experiences and difficulties from talking with them that I realised a lot of things they described matched for me too.

I live in assfuck nowhere so most of my life the only few times that I had met autistic people were like, folks who were nonverbal or whatever, just generally needing direct assistive care, and I never bothered to look things up on my own because I was already inundated with the pressures of growing up, school, mental health, etc. I remember one of the first times I had built up the courage to ask anyone about it, I was in the hospital because of mental health issues. This was in my second year uni, and when one of the doctors assessing me was asking me questions, I said I thought maybe I was autistic. He promptly and with a fair amount of snark told me that if I was autistic I wouldn't have gotten into university.

Thinking back, he was probably just an exhausted, fresh outta school resident with no special interest in psychiatric care (and also just seemed to suck in general), but it was enough that I shelved the idea for another 5 years.

Lo and behold, now I am lying here in bed, just absolutely gobsmacked by the VERY REAL idea that im autistic and like holy shit I feel so vindicated.

I've been on tumblr for just a bit, but I see a lot of folks talking in various neurodivergent circles about their experiences and that's been so wonderful for me. I also have a few good friend groups w/ a lot of neurodivergent folks, and that's been really exciting too.

Like, I'm still processing this cognitively as I'm writing, so please pardon this ill patterned post, but this feels like such a beneficial thing for me. Over time I've adapted a few strategies here and there to help myself accomplish various tasks, but now I feel so empowered to, like... actually figure stuff out.

Even after feeling confident I was autistic, it was this nebulous, floating concept in my head for so long of, "oh yeah im autistic or something idk," that I never really dedicated much effort to finding healthier ways to do things that didn't irk me or whatever. I don't feel like the label /itself/ is what is important to me here, but rather the awareness around why I do so many things in the ways that I do and that it's /okay/ that I do.

I don't want this post to go on too much longer, but I feel it's worth noting that I've fought for years with my family because they didn't understand why I was going about things the way I did. Again, remember, they all grew up in this cloistered hellhole too. But, surprise surprise, the times in my life that I have been doing better than any other are when I felt confident enough to ignore what everyone was trying to get me to go along with and instead just fashioned my own best methods (which also sometimes included informing said overbearing individual(s) to go fuck themselves cause I'm busy doing shit. It's hard for them to argue with me telling them as much when I would be completing X objective well, which is what they wanted in the first place).

I don't want to make this sound like I'm trying to be overconfident, but I mention as much instead as a sign of support for other neurodivergent folks to feel similarly empowered to drum to their own beat. Thinking back, I went from almost failing high school and ultimately retaking a grade to excelling in all my classes. Every single one. I know that's a relative assessment, you got variable difficulty levels, etc., and the grade score isn't important in and of itself, least of all because the school systems here (Canada) are a mess it seems, but just that alone as an idea, within the parameters of a particular system, I went from initial abject failure to thorough and lauded success.

Just think of what so many people could do if they weren't being pigeonholed into formats that absolutely aren't working for them.

I already have a boatload of (genuinely helpful by way of enabling access to proper education and treatment) diagnoses from my history of working with my (very wonderful and genuinely caring and helpful) psychiatrist that match with what I know about the neurodivergence term umbrella like ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, so it seems |autism| will feel quite at home in the group ^w^. I'll ask her about it at my next appointment to see if an official diagnosis has any value versus me just continuing to figure things out on my own.

Either way, I am thrilled right now thinking about the next time I get to shout

"FUCK YOU IM DOING AUTISTIC SHIT"

while an electric guitar squeals and lightning strikes all around me and I make cool stuff happen :3c.

[sammy-hammy]

hi! im also a big fan of angst and have been thinking of this tyler galpin x reader story (u dont have to do it if u dont want to)

spoilers for ppl who havent finished the series yet!

okay so, tyler and the reader are a couple and they were supposed to have a date. but it was one of those days where laurel controlls him or something(tyler himself knows hes the hyde by now btw). so he unwillingly misses their date(again, for numerous times). the reader decides to go home after a couple of hours and comes across the hyde and gets hurt badly. the next day when tyler decides to visit the reader to apologize, their guardian tells him that theyre in the hospital after a terrible accident. so he rushes to see them and realizes that he was the reason why shes in the hospital. a few hours later she wakes up and sees tyler and they both talk abt him missing so many dates that theyre convinced hes cheating on them. he tells them he isnt but the reader wants some space for now after the accident.

im so sorry if its long, i suck at summarizing

𝕕𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕞𝕤 𝕗𝕣𝕠𝕞 𝕪𝕖𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕕𝕒𝕪

tyler galpin has many regrets

losing you is his biggest one

[ tyler’s thoughts , time message, reader’s thoughts]

[ major spoilers for the show, cursing, reader wishing they died, not proof read]

their blood was on my hands

why?

why was it on my hands?

ugh

stop overthinking it

it was just a dream…

right?

the resident barista bit the side of his lip as he thought about his lover. he snapped out of his trance when a customer walked up to the counter.

“hello tyler”

“good afternoon, ms. thornhill! would you like the usual?” tyler tried focusing on the order instead of the building pressure in his heart.

they’re normally here by now

he bit his lip and glanced at the door while making the double-cap, no foam, two pumps of sugar-free vanilla coffee.

he set down thornhill’s drink and she gently grabbed his arm. she leaned in close and whispered into his ear. “good job yesterday, tyler. see how well you did after removing your distractions?”

tyler’s face morphed into one of confusion. “what? i don’t think i have any distractions..”

“well not anymore. with yn out of your life, you don’t have anything to worry about.” thornhill smiled as she squeezed his shoulder.

tyler felt his stomach drop. “wha-what? are they mad? what happened?” he pulled away from thornhill as his heart beat increased. “i don’t think i di- oh shit”

realization hit him like a truck.

he forgot your birthday,

which meant he forgot your date.

again…

“my phone, my phone! do you still have it? why didn’t you give it to me yesterday?” tyler’s breathing became slightly erratic as other customers as the weathervane started staring.

“i just want what’s best for you and silly distractions like your phone and yn get in the way.” thornhill said in an obnoxiously sweet tone.

yn isn’t a distraction..

“now calm down, people are staring.” she set down his phone and walked away with her drink.

tyler picked it up and practically sprinted to the break room.

7 missed calls and 13 unread messages..

shit

he quickly checked his messages as his breathing went unsteady.

4:37 hey tyler! don’t forget about dinner at 6:30!

5:45 hey ty. are you on your way? just call me when you’re close.

6:02 never mind. i’ll just meet you at the restaurant, ok? be safe!

6:24 hey ty. are you on your way? i’m already here

6:33 i’m at the table, it’s towards the back

6:45 ty they’re starting to ask for our orders, please hurry.

6:56 ty please answer. i don’t think they’ll give us more time

7:04 ty?

7:17 never mind. i’m going home

7:20 i’m tired

7:21 this is such a stupid cycle

he felt his heart clench

7:22 sorry for wasting your time

you never wasted my time

7:23 i hope your happier with her than you were with me, for her sake

tyler dialed your number almost immediately with his shaky hands.

it went straight to voicemail.

he tried again.

same results.

fuck

he quickly threw off his apron and ran out of the cafe. he risked getting fired for abandoning his shift, but he didn’t care.

you were the one thing on his mind.

he bit his lip while getting into his car and subconsciously made his way to your house. once he reached your house he stepped out of his car and ran to your front door with his heart still beating rapidly.

the door opened before he could even knock. he locked eyes with your teary eyed elder brother.

“oh um. hey jeremy, is yn here?” your brother stayed silent as his face changed into disgust.

“you tell me galpin. you were supposed to be with them last night.” he dug his finger into tyler’s chest. “they tried coming home alone but they were attacked. all because you pathetic excuse for a boyfriend couldn’t care any less about my sibling, your supposed lover.” tears built up your brother’s eyes.

tyler’s heart couldn’t stand this much stress. “i-i didn’t know.. jeremy, please. i am so sorry! are they ok?”

jeremy scoffed. “stay the fuck away from my sibling, galpin. you clearly don’t care. if you did, they wouldn’t be in the hospital. but they are, so stay away before i do something i won’t regret.” your brother slammed the door in his face.

hospital?

what happened to them last night?

damn it

i should’ve been with them

why wasn’t i with them?

tyler was lost in his thoughts as he walked back to his car. he got in and set his hands on the wheel for a solid 30 seconds.

…the dream

what was it again?

ugh this hyde is messing with my memory

i have to get to them

he started his car and drove to the hospital as fast as possible.

the dream

it was about yn..

he tried remaining calm as his hands tightened against the wheel.

it had to be a dream

i wouldn’t let myself do that

he reached the hospital and walked in trying to steady his breathing.

“can i help you?” the receptionist questioned.

“yes! um where is yn ln’s room?” he answered quickly.

“room 13 to the right.” he handed him a visitor’s pass and went back to typing on his computer.

he dashed to the hallway and anxiously looked for your room.

it was just a dream

i would never do that to them

i love them

tyler’s eyes widened at his own thoughts.

love…?

he stood in front of your door.

yeah, love

he carefully opened the door to your room and his heart stopped.

you lied still with bandages covering your entire chest, a large bandage on your cheek, and your right arm in a cast.

no

no no no

this is all wrong

he walked over to you and gently held your hand. tears pricked his eyes as he kissed your palm. he sat on the chair beside the bed and stared at you with a worry written expression.

i couldn’t have

i wouldn’t…

he glanced at your bandages and he knew.

i should’ve listened to my dream

guilt washed over him.

god, i’m so stupid

your heart monitor was able to drown out his sobs.

“i love you, yn. i love you so much.” he whispered and wiped away his tears.

he laid his head on his arm and caressed your hand. he stared at your resting face as if you would disappear if he didn’t.

the sun was beginning to set and he was starting to feel the exhaustion from staying up all night.

he stayed staring for a while before his eyelids got heavy. he was eventually overtaken by sleep, yet he still clung to your hand.

ugh my head is killing me

you opened your eyes to the dim lighting of your hospital room. you tried lifting your hands to your face but the pain stopped you from doing so.

you winced as you looked at your body but your heart dropped when you glanced at the boy holding your hand.

tyler jolted awake while breathing heavily. you glanced away before he could make eye contact.

“why’re you here, tyler?” you asked as you stared up at the ceiling.

“i just wanted to see you” tyler felt his voice get caught in his throat. “i’m sorry, yn. i’m sorry i’m so sorry. i should’ve been with you.” he held your hand to his face and tried to make you look at him but you refused.

“if you didn’t want to be with me you could’ve just said so.” you took deep breaths as you started feeling the scars that creature had left. “you’ve missed so many of our dates. it’s embarrassing for me.”

“yn please i never meant to-“

“never meant to what, tyler? cheat?” your eyebrows knitted together as you finally looked at him. his eyes were bloodshot and they maintained a pleading look which made your breath hitch.

you resisted the urge to comfort him because it wasn’t your right anymore. “you’ve been so distant lately and it seems like you don’t even care about me anymore.”

tyler’s eyes became watery once again as he clutched onto your hand. “yn, i do care about you.” he gently set your hand down and cupped your cheek. “i love you, yn. i love you.”

a tear ran down your face as you looked away. “don’t say things you don’t mean, tyler.”

“yn, please… i love you more than anything.”

“stop it.”

“you’re the light of my life.”

“tyler, stop.”

“i love you, yn. just please listen.” tyler begged as you finally tore your hand from his.

“just stop!” your face was now wet with tears as you faced the boy you love.

“i spent my birthday alone while you did whatever with that woman. you didn’t bother to respond or at least tell me you couldn’t make it.” tyler stayed quiet.

“i could have died…” you wiped your face with your hand. “i kind of wish i had.”

“you don’t… you don’t mean that. yn you don’t mean that.” tyler denied as his tears fell freely.

“just leave, tyler. i don’t want to be with you anymore. i just can’t anymore. you clearly don’t love me. you might as well leave and be happy.” you continued to cover your face with your arm. you didn’t want to see his expression as you broke up with him.

“y-yn please. i just…” he felt desperate knowing he was losing the love of his life.

“goodbye, tyler galpin. i’m sorry i wasn’t enough for you.” you held back a sob as you heard him get up.

“i’m gonna fix this. please just… stay alive. if not for me, then for your family.” you stayed silent, afraid that if you spoke you would release the emotions you were holding back.

you heard him walk towards the door before stopping. “i love you yn ln, more than you can imagine.”

[zermizomilk]

you know the drill :3 1. What is you middle name? 2. How old are you? 3. When is your birthday? 4. What is your zodiac sign? 5. What is your favorite color? 6. What’s your lucky number? 7. Do you have any pets? 8. Where are you from? 9. How tall are you? 10. What shoe size are you? 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 12. What was your last dream about? 13. What talents do you have? 14. Are you psychic in any way? 15. Favorite song? 16. Favorite movie? 17. Who would be your ideal partner? 18. Do you want children? 19. Do you want a church wedding? 20. Are you religious? 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? 24. Baths or showers? 25. What color socks are you wearing? 26. Have you ever been famous? 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? 28. What type of music do you like? 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 31. What position do you usually sleep in? 32. How big is your house? 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? 34. Have you ever fired a gun? 35. Have you ever tried archery? 36. Favorite clean word? 37. Favorite swear word? 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 39. Do you have any scars? 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? 41. Are you a good liar? 42. Are you a good judge of character? 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? 44. Do you have a strong accent? 45. What is your favorite accent? 46. What is your personality type? 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? 48. Can you curl your tongue? 49. Are you an innie or an outie? 50. Left or right handed? 51. Are you scared of spiders? 52. Favorite food? 53. Favorite foreign food? 54. Are you a clean or messy person? 55. Most used phrased? 56. Most used word? 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 58. Do you have much of an ego? 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? 60. Do you talk to yourself? 61. Do you sing to yourself? 62. Are you a good singer? 63. Biggest Fear? 64. Are you a gossip? 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? 66. Do you like long or short hair? 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? 68. Favorite school subject? 69. Extrovert or Introvert? 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? 71. What makes you nervous? 72. Are you scared of the dark? 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? 74. Are you ticklish? 75. Have you ever started a rumor? 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? 77. Have you ever drank underage? 78. Have you ever done drugs? 79. Who was your first real crush? 80. How many piercings do you have? 81. Can you roll your Rs?“ 82. How fast can you type? 83. How fast can you run? 84. What color is your hair? 85. What color is your eyes? 86. What are you allergic to? 87. Do you keep a journal? 88. What do your parents do? 89. Do you like your age? 90. What makes you angry? 91. Do you like your own name? 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? 94. What are you strengths? 95. What are your weaknesses? 96. How did you get your name? 97. Were your ancestors royalty? 98. Do you have any scars? 99. Color of your bedspread? 100. Color of your room?

THIS TOOK A WHILE TO SPACE LOL

alright tis the time again:

i won't answer anything when it comes to names just gonna say that

14

nov 26 one day before yours!

i looked it up "Sagittarius"

a minty green

26 or 09

yes

Europe

idk like 178-180 cm

42 i think? Europe size

like 4

kicking the shit outta slender man

¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

prob not

punk tactics

Wonka

idk partner as in crime or marriage since im aro

nope

nah

No

yes

no

nope

showers

black like my entire wardrobe

no

maybe

my music taste is madness

nope

1

on my stomach or back i often move around

i don't know

sandwich, eggs, hotdogs etc

yes

yeah

bingus

Fuck

10?11 hours?

Yes

no

I think

no

yesnt

a little

no

idk how bout you tell me?

probably shoes those bitches are expensive even if they're not a popular brand

yes

innie

right

yes

eggs or pizza

nothing comes to mind

somewhere in the middle im usually dirty but then i clean everything up

an insult "You cock sniffling weasel"

Bitch

like 10-20 minutes

i don't think so

crunch because my teeth are tungsten

yes

not anymore

meh

loneliness

i prefer to keep it as black mail

idk don't watch many movies

long

no

art or gym

introvert

no

silence

no

some times

yes

no

yes

nope

no

never really had one

0 :']

i think

pretty meh

pretty fast

dark brown

bluish maybe greenish

nothing

no

im assuming for work mother works at an old persons home father is an electrical engineer

somewhat

alot of things

it's annoying but i have to deal with it

no

no

strong fast durable smartish

low endurance constantly tired

they just thought it sounded nice

no

yes

yellow ish like banana colour

mostly white

[c0rpseductor]

man i just like. blugh. ER

i dont really know where to begin with how i feel about it. part of me feels silly trying to Process it like it was Traumatic but every time ive been in a hospital it sucks and it just gets compounded by how hospital environments remind me of the institution from when i was a teenager and its just like. genuinely really overwhelming.

the first night when i got back i had nightmares about being back in the ER as soon as i went to sleep. i couldn't look at my arm that had the IV in it and just being able to feel where the IV had been made me really unsettled and anxious and sick. the second i got home and ate i slammed some tylenol PM and went right to sleep bc i couldnt take it. i remember waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and another part having to remind me i wasnt in the hospital anymore so i didnt panic again.

i just like. when it was dark bc they had turned the light off for my head in that back room, something about it felt so much like that first night at the institution, and the IV really hurt, and i was stuck lying on my back shivering in the dark feeling like i could barely move bc of the IV and so there was nothing for me to do but lie there feeling that pain like. i was so panicked i could barely even think straight, it still like, idk. i dont want to think about it but i feel so hung up on it. i was so fucking scared that even though the IV meds didnt really fix my headache i INSISTED i felt better just so i could have it out of me as soon as possible and go home. i can still see and feel that moment so vividly if i think about it. my mom had this like, oat milk bottled starbucks thing from the hospital cafeteria and a little of it spilled in my bag and even the day after catching how it smelled just made me feel sick with fear.

idk. i just hate hospitals so much. and it was especially awful because there were so many people and nobody was getting seen and i was in the waiting room in pain for most of the time, like 6 hours we were there and most of that was waiting. there was this older woman in the waiting room who was extremely disoriented and coughing loudly and kind of confusedly wandering around sometimes and crying out in pain or begging for help and the nurses didn't pay any attention to her really and everyone else in the waiting room just kind of tried to politely ignore her and the whole thing made me feel awful. at one point she was saying she was cold so i asked them to bring her an extra blanket and they did and im not sure she was even really too aware of what was going on, like when i asked if she wanted another blanket she didnt even respond, but i hated that she was so clearly going through it and nobody cared. it was really swamped but it was just awful to see anyway. and then when mom and i left, there were people sleeping on the floor in the waiting room bc it was getting close to 10 at night and they were still swamped.

idk. it was just really scary and painful and stressful and hard to deal with on top of already being in pain and having been in pain for a week and bedridden for days. and it was so fucked and disorienting i guess to go from being willing to do anything to make the headache stop to being willing to do anything to get the fuck out of the hospital and get that fucking needle out of my arm

[unfilteredflare]

Depressing shit under the cut

Involving the death of a family member

So my uncle

Out of all of my numerous aunts and uncles (1 of my grandfathers had 12 siblings) this 1 is the 1 that ive always been closest to

He has been slowly dying for several months now

His liver is failing (there is a word 4 it but idk how to spell it) he has been in and out of the hospital constantly. But he refuses to die in a hospital. He wants to go in the comfort of home with family.

He had been living in an assisted care facility. But he decided to move. For the past month and a half, he has been living in my spare room with me and my grandmother (his sister).

He had a really rough time getting into bed last night. Me and grandma had to help him. This morning, he couldnt get up. Hospise came and has told us its time. This is it. He is finally going to pass. Sometime today, tonight, or tomorrow

So im having a rough time rn

Im so scared of him dying alone. Like, we leave the room for a minute or 2 and he passes while we r distracted. Its just something that im being really paranoid about rn. Family have been coming and going all day and my mother is staying the night.

So its me, mom, and grandma. The only people here until morning. Mom and grandma r both also having a really rough time. They cant stand to see him like this. Stuck to his bed and unresponsive. Which i fully understand and dont begrudge them for. But due to my own paranoia, i cant leave his side. So ive been sitting vigil at his bedside for the last 6 hours or more

There is talk of taking shifts so i can rest. But idk if i can make myself leave his side. Even to sleep

And like, when it comes to grief. I kinda just shut down. I havent been able to feel any emotions for several hours now. Like, i know i should be upset. But im just calm and feel nothing rn. Like its any other day. I think its why i can sit for hours next to him like this while mom and grandma have to keep leaving

They r already grieving him. And im just kinda feeling nothing

I know its all gonna hit me later. And its gonna be fucking rough

When my grandfather died, i legitimately dont remember most of that day and the next 7 days. My grief and pain over it was so bad, that i involuntarily blocked my own memory of those days

So like, im kinda scared of how bad this will all hit me

But for now, ive just shut down

[solardick]

So the gap is useless. Going to have to go to the emergence room just to see a doctor. Yup. Fun dun going to spend another 12 hours waiting while they twll me to come back another day after not wating anythign for 24 hours. Jesus fucken christ. Inhate this fucken country, im going to go get high i atea dof getting proper fucken attention.

Guess well wait another week because i cant get call at the shop. I ha e to walk out to the side of the road just to be aboe to use my phone.

“Oh yse a cold compress” how the fuck?!

Call

Back if yoyr dying ir go to the hospital. Its not like i dont pay like 3 thousand ectra dollard a year for helath care. And i have to do backflips through a burning ring of fucken fire.

I couldnt even sell fire wood to an Eskimo. I stand zero cahnce at life. Ive had an infection for the last month. And i cant even go see a doctor anout it. Have no choice but to oue my ass off i. Life to get anything. Form this piknt on. Im just going to

Bs my way theough evwruthing about wneryhing.

Awh yeah ita super painful. I got the plague. Better call the hasmats. Im a threat to

Wveryone. I did somethign like that already. And got raped for it. Or

I

Think thats why Fuck if i know m the only rhing im allowed to do with ease. Is i toxicate myself. md lower the value of the dollar.

Well guess my inmy have to do some speed. Stay yp all night. And wait in the emergency room. Because everything is a crisis. I dont have the choice in the matter.

Oh youre havign an existential crissis at the present momwnt. Well we’re goign to nake tou wait over 6 months befor wwe get back to you.

Awh a pretty negro woman just gave me a little dance.

Oh well become fluent in russian and move to south austrailia. Or somethign m

First quarter sure why not. I cant live this way. So waht to do.

Wont lwt me game wither. Still going on. Oreder 10$ pancakes. Oh we font have any suryp. Ok. Leave. Theres goes twn bucks. To

Think that could me be at tenhospital again.

[veggiefritterz]

i have words to say. if you know me irl either dont read this or just dont mention it to me. everyone else go ham but dont say i didnt warn you

i just cant. its both that simple and far more complicated. i dont know what or how to feel. i dont know why i feel anything.

i cant just stop talking to people because i always have something i want to say, so just know if i vanish one day odds are im full on dead/in a hospital somewhere.

i dont want to think about the future, its unlikely and uncertain. do i have a future? not at this rate. its too hard to fucking think for me to learn anything.

i do not think i will finish highschool at this rate. if i do it will be with low low marks. and i will be a faliure. so i have less than two years to prepare for that.

i was smart in prep, why couldn't that continue past year 6?

i know why, actually. theres probably a few reasons. one of thems the (until recently, undiagnosed) autism.

the other reason is her.

i fucking hate her. i genuinely hope she dies. i tried to strangle her once. it was both fun and not at the same time, if that makes sense.

before you judge me for attemped murder that i have not been charged with please know that it was rather called for.

because she fucking. i dont know. ill use my big boy words. it'll be hard for me to do but honestly what does it matter, im already fucking upset.

this is your big old warning for s/a. will mark off section end with more red text.

fucking hell i feel sick. seriously sick. but uts like this every time i remember. like my stomachs burning. and i can tell im on the verge of tears, too. or maybe im just really fucking tired.

she essentially sexually abused me for about a year. give or take a month or two, i cant fucking remember. theres things i havent told anyone about, and never will.

i think i want to try and describe it. youre not obligated to read it, so. dont do that if its going to upset you.

october 31st, 2020 hardly counts as anything in my opinion. but it still feels gross. she decided that an appropriate game for her to play was "truth or dare but if you dont wanna do it you strip". these are twelve year olds at the time, mind you. so she had her boyfriend on the phone, on a video call, and did that. i, naturally, was obligated to engage. i did not enjoy it. i said plenty that i dont wanna but you know, i was fucking stupid. i let her convince me. I couldve walked home.

the second time i dont havs a date for, but it was mid november 2020. we were on a school camp. the entire thing sucked, i had terrible hayfever one day and was declined medicine for several hours. they also tried to feed us meat wrapped in bread that was then deep fried. thats not really relevent. moving on from shit camp food. while i was trying to go to bed (note. my bunk ladder was in the back corner of the room) she managed to (mostly undressed for her, as in just her undies. not to be graphic but thats how it is) she managed to pin me in the corner. she was a few inches taller than me, so i could hardly just move. i can only vaguely remember beyond that. it wasnt bad bad that time.

there were other people in the room for part of it. they dont remember. i havent said anything because i dont want them to feel to blame. but holy shit. why didnt they do anything.

then theres very early december 2020. this one was just. yeah. the one, i guess. the big bad or something.

(side note if my phrasing disintegrates its because yours truly is having some kind of intense anxiety attack. i think. either way i would love to kill myself right about now. whatever. but its really vivid in my mind right now so i might as well put it down.)

i just dunno. how do i even put this, really. she uh. okay. if someones wearing lovely thin cotton pyjamas lets not ruin the fabric for them, for starters. i liked those pyjamas. its a real shame. i just fucking cant.

she just. yeah. i dont think i even have to say. she did stuff, she made me do stuff, all while i made it perfectly obvious how unhappy i was. i couldnt do anything about it, much as i wish i couldve. because im too pathetic to fight. i basically froze up. she held my head down. so that i had to do it. i didnt say that was okay. i didnt say any of it was omay.

and to the other person who was there, i dont blame you. you were thirteen. you couldn't have done anything. besides, i think you were playing BATIM so like. beat those ink demons (i havent played bendy).

i didnt sleep that night. until about 3 in the morning. i dont know man.

she "tried" to kill herself the next night. i use quotations because im fully convinced she was manipulating me. she said she felt bad and couldnt live with herself. so why do it again, huh? she fucking lied to me, didnt she. im gonna be honest im just realising this and im so fucking mad. i contacted her mother to make sure she was okay.

theres more examples. just smaller things like publicly grabbing my tits in front of a group of people encouraging her to do so but theyre just numbers now. numbers and occasionally vivid memories. including shit like trying to fuck me in a school bathroom. more than once mind you.

i also fucking hate the girl who decided to be all touchy in the middle of class and i couldn't move where i was sat because it was a partners activity and we were paired up. but eh, she just generally sucks. its whatever.

end section you are safe (?) from here or something

even if you didnt read that section. its just long okay. so damned long. im so done.

look at me. or dont. i actually look like shit. if i had facial hair id be classed as a Wet Cat™. i kinda wish i was tbh... wild. i havent washed my hair in a couple weeks, havent brushed it is i think three days. i have not showered properly because i dont have the fucking energy. its one of those bath-shower hybrids and i turn the water up high and lie down in it because i cant even find the energy to fucking sit up. i havent brushed my teeth in days, maybe weeks, i cant remember. it doesnt matter if i take my meds or not. yet i still apparently "look nice" or something but people lie all the time.

the main reason i cut my hair so short is because i cant fucking maintain it. believe me, i wanted it long. i wanted to plait it and feel pretty. but i just couldn't. i didnt brush it or wash it, i pulled it out, like always. so now i have a mullet and theyre notoriously shit in my town dare i say whole country so noone seems to care.

i think the only times ive slept well recently are after being incredibly drunk. which is concerning. i mean. im sixteen, i know i shouldnt be drunk ever, but if it works, it works. i think i sleep on average about 6 or 7 hours a night, which is not necessarily bad, but its all just fucking abstract nightmares.

at least i dont vape though. thats a win. i have before, do not recommend, very yuk burnt my lungs i think. real talk though if you do i feel ya man everyone does something they shouldn't.

lore drop or something, tumblr user veggiefritters got soft-expelled once! i was suspended forever! all i did was physically fight a few teachers and another student. but she deserved it. and so did they, i daresay.

what did i do after that day? i rode home like usual. i went to my sisters room (she doesnt live here so i slept in there while my old room was being renovated to a lounge room) and i watched youtube until my dad got called by school. then i talked to him. it sucked. then i ate a few nuggets for dinner and tried to kill myself. then, upon that failing, i went to sleep.

i didnt go to school for two months. like. i wasnt enrolled anywhere. family law or some shit, my parents need to hurry up and divorce.

i went to a new school, it was fine, fine, fine, then it wasn't, so i left. i went to a new school, its still fine, thats irrelevant. besides, i have to go there. only public 11/12 school in the town.

but you know what? nothings fine. nothings okay. i just want to be okay, you know? i just want to be innocent. i don't want the past to be the way it is. i with i remembered it all, because while some might say its good that i dont? its terrifying to not know for sure whats happened to you.

i dont like smelling something specific and remembering shit like the eevee themed lunch we made, or the pancakes we made in a saucepan, or the time we tried to solve cicada 3301 for the hell of it. i dont want to sound bittersweet, i dont want to sound like i miss it, but i do, in some weird way.

even though it was clearly manipulation i miss the way she trusted me.

its probably my fault, too, i shouldnt be such an easy target.

if like to tell all of this to my cousin, because i know he'd listen. i know he wouldnt laugh at me. but how does one go about that? i guess i cant. whatever.

shit, man. i dont even know. i went i think a year s/h free? and i was so damn proud of myself. then i dont know what happened. i just broke. and im still not better.

i just think to myself maybe this will be the one that kills me. maybe this one will hit an artery and i can just fucking die.

in my mind, dying feels okay if its on accident. but im seriously considering it at this point because what the fuck else am i meant to do man. im wandering around aimlessly in my own head most of the time. hardly even thinking, just trying to will myself out of existence.

im nothing more than a fucking marionette and whoevers pulling the strings is a sadist.

theres your obligatory shit poetry. i should get that printed on a cap.

ive just moved slightly wrong and its like im tearing my own skin apart. yeow.

ive been writing this at least an hour, i think ive used up 20% of my phones charge! but thats irrelevant. i dont use my pjone much, contrary to peoples belief. i rot my mind with The Computer instead. sometimes the little screen hurts and i need the big screen.

im sorry this is so long. i have a lot of thoughts going on tonight. have a break with a photo of my cat before i keep sobbing. or 4 i guess lucky you. this is shego shes one and shes a little shit. the ants got to her food so she ate them. she refuses to let me take a nice picture of her.

cats, man.

back to me literally crying now.

im scared. im scared of the future but thats common so it doesn't matter. im scared of the past but thats irrelevant. im scared right now because im in bed and its dark so there might be someone there that i cant see.

im scared people will socially exile me again for the things i like, im scared i dont really know any of my friends, im scared ill make a mistake big enough to get me in prison even though technically i already have a few times and nothing happened, im scared people hate me as much as i hate myself.

and fuck, do i hate myself.

what am i good for? i guess people like my writing but what if theyre making that up. sometimes i like my writing too and i go batshit insane over my own characters. but it feels so selfish, i guess.

(i intrude upon myself. i would like a scone right about now)

anyway. what else do i do that people like. im in charge of kids clothing visual merchandising at work. i work in a second hand store, the options for outfits are many. but i dont know. im the youngest person who works there, so what if theyre lying to me?

im creative, apparently. hey, sure, id like to tell myself that but i dunno if i can. i really think i peaked in year two with that.

what have i got about me that people like so much they want to talk to me, because i know damn well its not my appearance. i am fucking ugly. in a weird way. not that my eyes are too far apart or anything i just look dead.

i dont know. i need to let myself live life to the fullest or something but i cant.

i cant just live. its weird.i want to be alive but at the same time its tiring, too tiring, and i dont know what to do about it other that just give in.

you know. give up, and die. how is irrelevant. im so fucking tired, okay.

i dunno. i guess i wonder if anyone would really miss me if i died. but it feels like a selfish thing to wonder. im not sure.

if you want me at my weakest and you want to make me suffer, its your time to shine because right now i am at the lowest ive been in a while.