#i think i can die happy now this is my magnum opus

[elliewiltarwyn]

another mount rokkon be like

the roemies are having fun in criterion prog >:3

@oneiroy @verysmallcyborg @viiioca

[an-au-blog]

Just craving fluff and imagining College Au Shuggy celebrating the holidays by just doing very unchristmassy things together. They both seem like the type to like certain aspects of Christmas only to then be hit by waves of depression when the actual holiday arrives, so they just huddle under the covers together and watch Christmas classics such as “Die hard” or Gremlins together instead while eating Pizza and drinking eggnog till they can’t stand this stuff for another year. Buggy gives Shanks his gift at 2 am in the morning, an extremely ugly and old tacky sweater he found at a thrift shop a while ago. Shanks can immediately tell that it was cheap and Buggy most likely just went out and got him… SOMETHING, but also it’s hideous in a way he just adores and it has one of his favorite childhood cartoon characters on it and the fact alone Buggy went out and got him something is PERFECT and to Buggy’s horror that thing is gonna be his favorite sweater till the end of time. Buggy on the other hand suffers a mild mental breakdown and “Oh god I am the scum of the earth” reaction because Shanks actually went into a makeup store and got him an expensive eyeshadow Palette that Buggy has been eyeing for a while now. Kicker is Shanks didn’t even know that’s the Palette Buggy wanted, he legit just spent an hour in there with a picture of Buggy describing what Buggy looks for in makeup and what colors he likes and such and such and accidentally just landed on the correct one and rightfully deducted that he would probably like this one.

“WHY DID YOU GO AHEAD AND BUY ME THAT YOU HORRIBLE, UNFLASHY FANTASTIC BOYFRIEND?!” “I thought it would make you happy.” “IT WOULD IF I GOTTEN YOU ANYTHING GOOD AS WELL!! JUST A BED BATH AND BEYOND GIFTCARD WOULD HAVE BEEN WORSE!!” “Come on Buggy I love this thing-“ “THIS IS LIKE GIFT OF THE MAGI IF IT SUCKED EVEN MORE THAN IT ALREADY DOES!” “You could always kiss me to make up for it.” “I ALREADY DO THAT.” “Then let me kiss you… AND you’ll have to let me do it for the entire day without telling me I’m being sappy or disagreeing with me when I talk about how much I love you.” “…. Okay but you’re not allowed to say weird shit about my nose.” “…Can I kiss your nose?” “Ugh. I’ll allow it. But not in public!” “Deal. I won’t talk about how cute and kissable your nose is and I especially won’t talk about how cute and kissable it is in front of other people.” “YOU JUST- AUGH! You’re horrible! An absolutely awful boyfriend!” “Glad to have landed someone as amazing as you then.” “You-“ “Ah! We agreed on not disagreeing when I talk about how great you are!” “….fine.” “I love you... and I love how hard you blush when you can’t answer with a sassy comeback” “….mmmmnnnggghh!!! loveyoutoo.”

At first I was like "awww this is so adorable:')" but thwn I got to the dialogue part and went "ok, so we're assuming they're gonna get together, now are we ahahah"

I'm guessing you're the same anon who sent me a couple other college au asks - so first off: Thank you, you honestly keep me productive and remind me to finish this fic lol (since I named some of the others, maybe I can call you ogan - bc og anon or something idk, you can refuse or give me another nickname if you want...)

But also... have I given any indication that this will be a story with a happy end? Because, I've written ends with a doomed one sided love triangle, one of the main characters being hated by the love of their life and in a hospital, while the one the other was chasing rejected them indefinitely... it was my magnum opus for quite a while, so who's to say I'll give this one an ending like that?

I'm joking, I'm joking... or am I >;]]]

Anyway, I love the idea of them spending the holidays together! Buggy doesn't really have any close relatives to go to, all his friends went home, and thinks that Shanks is the same way, because why else would he stay behind with him?

Shanks is just so happy that he can finally be with his boyfriend. He makes hot cocoa (and it's horrible, but Buggy remakes it), he buys a cardboard cutout of a Christmas tree and they put stickers on it instead of decorations. At one point they start printing out memes and pictures of themselves and stick them on there as well. (Shanks secretly writes a wish, something cheesey like how he wants them to be like this for the rest of their lives, on the back of some of the photos)

In all reality, I believe that "Die Hard" and "Home Alone" (because these two franchises are basically the same, just one is kid coded lol) would be both Shanks and Buggy's favourites. I mean look at how they turned out ahahaha tho I must confess, I've never seen Gremlins, so I'll just trust you on that one':)

I also think thay Buggy would get horrible gifts very purposefully. Like he would look for hours to find the most raggedy and washed out looking sweater with the ugliest print of like... a green cow on red mars with a Christmas hat on both the cow and mars saying "moo-ry christmas" in comic sans or something horrifying like that. Like that one video of the guy who bought a card for the wrong occasion, for wrote a message to someone else and scratched out the name to look like it was a second hand card. I couldn't find the og video but I found this tiktok, hope it helps with the explanation.

In my mind Buggy thinks it's hilarious. Him and Shanks both love pranks and just jokes like this in general, so he would get it, right? Shanks liking it unironically wasn't in the plan. But then bad comes to worse and Shanks takes gift giving seriously - Buggy is caught off guard.

I love the image of Shanks standing in the cosmetics section of a big store that was one of the best according to google. He's just staring intensely, and color checking, and googling, and staring again - trying his best to remember everything Buggy had told him about make-up.

At some moment in the time he's searching, one of the workers there goes up to him to see if he needs help thinking "aw, poor lost man looking for something for his girlfriend, he looks like he needs help" and then Shanks shows her a picture of an honest to God clown going "I want the best for my boyfriend". And they have a little "This is your man?" "yeah" "Look at the picture" "that's mine :')" "and you're ok with this?" "imma stick beside him " moment. And then they just start looking together. Before they notice it's a whole horde of helpers and Shanks going all, "is that teal? I think he said he loves teal, but not one with glitter, wait, bring back the cherry red. Can you compare it to the sour cherry. Which one would match his lipstick best? This one's his favorite." and they're like a council, super invested at that point.

I also like to think that on new years eve, they're watching a marathon, and Buggy just falls asleep on Shanks's chest halfway through. He does that often and Shanks loves it. He doesn't even care that much that sometimes his make-up would be imprinted on his shirt .

Shanks showing love to Buggy's nose, despite his insecurities, makes me melt. (spoilers ig:) I was going to have a little dialogue/confrontation that portrayed that, but I was going to make it a "Shanks not caring about it and just acting like it's not there" thing, but him actually thinking it's cute and being all loving towards the one thing he's most insecure about is actually way better. I might utilize it later on lol :))

[dear-ao3]

mandatory disclaimer that this is my personal interpretation and i haven't looked up the real meaning or anything and people can interpret songs however they want etc etc and tw for death and suicide and all that stuff

so its about death right. the whole thing is about death. but not like the i wanna die death or the death is inevitable death or the there is an unfortunate accident and i am now dying death

no! its about the feeling of being stuck between wanting to die and wanting to live but not really wanting either and not knowing what to do about it! but it never directly says that!!

so what does it say:

ive got those jetpack blues just like judy the kind that makes june feel like september, im the last one that you'll ever remember

which is nothing short of an incredible opener. but he distinctly says that june feels like september. what is supposed to be warm and happy is feeling kind of mid. because september is mid. its not december, its not cold and dead, but its just starting to turn cold and the leaves are starting to fall and things are starting to die. the beginning of a spiral. pathetic fallacy if you will (when weather mimics mood)

and then the next line

and im trying to find my piece of mind behind these two white highway lines, when the city goes silent the ringing in my ears gets violent

spiraling. loosing control. loosing grip. in a car. you could die if you loose control in a car. but hes not loosing control, hes trying to regain it. on the brink of a breakdown. and i love that he says the city going silent causes the ringing in his ears. because it is really the other way around. the ringing drowns out the city, but if you're denying that you're loosing control it might feel the other way around.

but then!!!!! the chorus. the magnum opus of the song.

she's in a long black coat tonight, waiting for me in the downpour outside, she's singing baby come home in a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain keeps time

who is she? a lover? a friend?

NAY!!

she is death!!! death is calling to him!!! tempting him!!!! hes personifying death!!!

were back at the pathetic fallacy business, the rain the tears, mixing together in the sadness, death tempting him, making him think that she needs him. she's waiting for him, calling out to him. but he doesnt go to her because he is doubtful. because this chorus repeats a good three times.

and i remember baby come home, baby come home, baby come home, baby come home. did you ever love her do you know or did you never want to be alone? she was signing baby come, baby come home

!!! gah !!!!!! she thinks home is death!! but he is not going to death because death is not home!!! she's trying to fool him, hes going around in his head trying to figure out what she wants.

ive got those jet pack blues, fight off the light tonight and just stay with me, honey don't you leave, don't you remember how you used to split a drink, it never mattered what it was, i think our hands were just that close, the sweetness never lasted no

fight off the light. stay live, don't walk into the light. ahhh. holding on to memories to keep yourself alive. ahhhhhHHH.

and then we go back to the chorus. the death lady calling him home. but he doesnt go to her cause she is not home.

in conclusion this song fucks.

god jet pack blues. best fucking song. i think too many thoughts about this song. nothing activates the writing major in me quite like the lyrical mysticism of jet pack blues by fall out boy.

[thebloomingpetals]

Blog #1 Letting a "dream" die.

As I am writing this and gather my thoughts on this personal post. I am writing this on the table I had set up for myself months ago in mi hogar , in fact during the fall of 2022. This table was to help me figure to create a space for deep focus on my goals. I had taken the time to create something called the Vanitas project. It is a basic map to help me guide which goals I needed to complete first before doing the others. Set one is the foundation of the goals but also the most hardest. First set was to lose weight , improve on my artistic skills and Spanish comprehension. The goal of Project Vanitas is to to help keep mis metas in line and focus rather than jumping around confused. But there was a mistake on this project: It's personal. There is no professional deadline. 13 year old me would beg to differ-Why include XYZ if Crystal is the priority?

The origin of my goals can be traced back when I was younger. Lets refer this version of myself as Ally. Ally represents my inner child and the origins of the first goal when I was 12. Most of the goals set here have a foundation- to one day publish the story of Crystal my first ever OC. Ally loved her despite how flawed Crystal was. Crystal had 100+ powers, transformations, anime husbandos AKA a Mary Sue. She would envision many moments of putting Crystal in pain, tears or happiness whatever Ally liked. Up until she grabbed a pencil and paper. Ally went on a journey to draw just to turn her creation to life. 85% of the stuff she drew was of Crystal. Crystal was a soul and alive.

The Mary Sue had many revisions and so did Ally's style. Ally improved her anatomy her style and before she knew it she could draw hands. Ally's priorities were just to draw all the time and maintain straight A's which were a piace of cake, until she met boys aka relationshiippsss. There was Boy 1, the sweetheart. Boy 2, what was I thinking? Boy 3... boy number 3.

Drawing and Crystal became secondary. Her grades were still great. Despite the change in Ally's focus, her creativity stayed the same till boy #3. Hay caramba, Boy #3 met me back in 2018. But he never met Ally. Back in late 2017, I had shifted went to a trade school under a graphic design program. And in the first time in my life I felt like I knew were I had to navigate my life. I was gonna go to college and earn an associates degree in graphic design and eventually publish Crystal's story as a comic. The portfolio mattered more than the degree and I was at my panicle of creativity and art. Art was now something I was doing seriously and for fun. I gotten praise from my mentors and eventually got a scholarship for a local college. Ally was fully present at her graphic design program. She fully bloomed her portfolio in to an magnum opus, until she had her great, unfortunate fall.

Ally was present during the first 6-7 months with Boy # 3. After that, I don't know what to call myself during the remaining time frame. It was just a cycle of my self-neglection that was attributed from Boy #3. During that time I abandoned my core beliefs all for a selfish stupid boy. Thankfully the cycle breaks. Instead of telling myself lies, my core-truths kicked in and we started arguing. The tip of the iceberg broke by a text from him. Telling me that I could do so much more in life and that he was holding me back. I didn't believe that text until a month later. In that month included, he did what every melodramatic boy does in soap operas- " I AM SO SORRY I MISSED YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH."

I focused on myself with Panera and the gym. The only things I had along with my mother to support me. The break up was in the October of 2020, 1.5 years after I graduated and 6 months after the college I was going to attend shut down.

At this point I accepted that I had no direction in that moment of my life. This brought me to my current self. Spring of 21, middle of the pandemic, I spent 13 dollars on Bumble and found a bee. A bee that gave me the happiest 2 years of my life. Ally still wasn't present. The feeling I felt post-break up with Boy #3 was "forged Passion". I was trying to force myself to draw when Ally wasn't present and despised staring at a canvas for so long I didn't create anything . She represented my inner-child but she was also my muse. Which would explain the many times I had mini-life crisis and doubts of what I wanted to do long term during my current relationship. " I don't know what to do", "Should I learn a trade", etc etc. I was bouncing between careers. Ally as a muse died when I was a few months into my last relationship. On May 20th of this year I laid Ally to rest which was also the dream of pursuing a graphic design career.

I fell in love with the idea to move to Europe and hopefully attend college-not sure what I will pursue- there after my spouse finishes with his studies. So I thought about studying German. I didn't feel sad for changing my dream because I can't force myself to be an old version of me. Change was inevitable. Letting go of an idea I built upon more than half my time here alive was never a bad ending. It was much much needed after having doubts for 2 years of what the next stepping stone of my life would be. All that I know patience will allow me to embrace this next chapter of mine.

Project Vanitas needs some adjustments because the core is still the same. Crystal is still around, her story will continue to evolve and adjust as I do. One day she will be out and about either as a web comic or novel. That I do not know yet. I'll continue to improve my Spanish and exercise but not draw seriously; only as a hobby.

Requiesce in pace my muse.

[charmixpower]

So I remembered

this dress that Stella designed and that got me thinking about what kinds of clothes Stella would make in my own hcs and:

I'm thinking like these

Lots of cut out in increasingly weird places

So much see though and sheer fabric that you wonder if you can wear these outfits in public

Shiny shiny fabrics or sparkly fabrics because obviously who ever is wearing her dress has to light up a room or it isn't a Shining Stella outfit

And texture!!! I don't think Stella is a huge fan of wearing very textured outfits herself but I think she'd love designing them just because their so interesting and fun—when Bloom comes along this becomes 10 times worse because Bloom LOVES textured outfits and they are fueling each other

I don't think you'd ever catch Stella designing something with white, black, beige, or any other neutral tone unless she can spice it up! Everything is colors, colors, colors! At pretty high saturations too bc Stella doesn't blend in baby!!

I think Stella would be one of those designers where half of her outfits are something you'd die to own and the other half seem completely unwearable bc their so avant garde....she'd probably have a shape era in her fashion kfjejr bless her soul

I think she'd also design outfits for her friends but these would be VERY toned down compared to her usual stuff because she knows that her friends would be uncomfortable in her normal designs

She also very clearly has designs based on her friends

Like Flora gets her into long flowy full body gowns, Tecna makes her go crazy with structured gowns (and causes her shape era RIP), Bloom as I mentioned makes her go full texture, Aisha makes her concider dresses that are both easy to move in and look cute (Stella is the type of person who likes mermaid gowns. I don't understand why she would but she does), Musa gets her into dresses with multiple pieces/parts

I think she'd really pride herself on designing outfits unique to each of her friends that look and feel good for each of them individually as like her Magnum opus. If she can't make outfits that make her friends happy is she even doing this fashion thing right??

Like I think she'd be genuinely ashamed of something that they all didn't love (maybe the s3 rain coats bc that was a choice, I know it wasn't technically designed by her but she was the one informing the outfits. Physically stopping myself from saying s4 Band or Love and pet because those don't exist actually) and this would happen early into the seasons and then she'd hit them with like the s4 Explorer outfits and they all be like "omg Stella these are gorgeous, we love you" and she'd die of happiness

That would really shape her design philosophy because she'd stop exclusively designing outfits that she'd wear and start concidering other styles and things she never thought of before

Stella would go to Zenith and see all the shoulder pads (yes this is a Zenith thing now bc I said so) and weird 80s esq make up and have a fucking field day

In short:

Runway fashion: Bright, colorful. Half of the time too much for a normal person to wear, other half drop dead gorgeous

For her friends: low key, but pops. Still colorful but much more muted as these are dresses/outfits she wants her friends to be able to wear at things other than party's. Incorporates additional accessories like belts and such that aren't found in her usual stuff

[nox-artemis]

Kentaro Miura

It took me awhile to get my thoughts in order. Honestly, as well intentioned as they are, a constant stream of fan tributes on Twitter and Tumblr more-or-less telling me how to process “The End” of Berserk with Miura’s death didn’t do a lot to console me, so I had to take some huge steps away from social media and only conversed my feelings with my other close Berserk fan-friends.

It was very surreal waking up yesterday morning to a friend messaging me simply saying, “did you hear the news?” When shit like that happens, I go onto my Google stories app and scroll through. I didn’t find anything really worth getting too upset over (maybe a bit sad that Queen Elizabeth II’s doggo died?) so it hit me to check my Twitter feed instead.

And that’s when I saw it.

We all know death is inevitable, and life is pretty much spent prolonging the point to that inevitability as well as preparing ourselves for when it happens to us or someone close to us. Being part of the Berserk fandom was the only time we all collectively had this on our mind not only for someone else but for someone we never met or really knew that much about. We only knew Miura through his magnum opus – and that was good enough for us. And no matter how much we discussed the worst-case scenario – pondering how the story would continue and how WE would continue – it still wasn’t enough to prepare us for this amount of shock. Hearing Miura had died and that the Berserk we know and love under his direct supervision is over truly felt like losing a long-lost friend.

It wasn’t just that the Berserk we know of is “over”, but that Miura didn’t have to die. He was only 54: not a young age, but not an old age either, especially by today’s standards. He could have seen the end to his magnum opus the way he envisioned it, yet he died of something so avoidable but is only brought about by a great deal of stress (from what I’ve read). It was always a morbid open rumor that so many of Miura’s infamous hiatuses were actually mental and/or physical health breaks, so the older or more conscious of us fans, while always eager and anxious for a new chapter, learned to not take them so personally. Miura was a spellbinding artist and storyteller, but he was also a human with his own life and conflicts that he was entitled to address at his own pace. This isn’t meant to blame anyone (at the very least, maybe to address some societal/industry issues), but it’s troubling enough to remind everyone – as the story of Berserk has demonstrated – that you need to take care of yourself physically and mentally, and while everyone struggles in life, you don’t have to struggle alone.

I always despised this weird cult of youth that insinuates that life isn’t worth pursuing once you hit your mid-thirties, and how some people so engulfed in their youth insist that they wouldn’t mind dying by the age of 50 or 60. It’s a shame when people live by that because there’s so much to live for beyond your youth – as I’ve learned, I only started buckling down when I transitioned into my thirties. Miura could have had a longer life ahead of him, going beyond Berserk and into his other endeavors, professional and personal, but that will unfortunately never happen now.

Everyone knows I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on Berserk. Most of you found out about me through my blogging several years ago, and I’m pretty proud that I was never the sort of fan that groveled at Miura’s feet and treated Berserk as some untouchable holy book: there were things I disliked about Berserk and things that disappointed me about Miura’s writing, but there were SO MANY MORE THINGS that I loved about Berserk and was proud of Miura for, and I wished him to continue his advancement in narrative growth. He did so and we watched it happened.

And, by meeting so many friends and acquaintances through the fandom, we saw a lot in ourselves change too. It’s surreal how we always joked that it would be one of us fans who would die before Berserk ended or the worst-case scenario of Miura dying; maybe some of us secretly preferred for that happen. But when we weren’t waiting around for another chapter… look at how much we’ve done with our lives! We graduated high school, undergrad, grad school, started and advanced our careers, traveled the world, got together, popped out a kid or two!... And while we experienced a lot of downfalls and tragedies that coincide, can you believe how much we have accomplished together?

We were all personally inspired, motivated, persuaded by Berserk in different ways: a lot of us were inspired for the better and admittedly, some for the not-as-good (if spending countless hours on Tumblr has taught me, there were definitely some toxic fan takeaways that had to be confronted). I’m not going to go to the point of saying that I now live my life by Berserk’s philosophy to a T or live as a reflection of certain characters (because I’m pretty sure that Miura was trying to tell us to NOT live your life like some particular characters) but it certainly helped to brings some aspects of life and existence into perspective, through the lenses of so many characters. Berserk also inspired me to write more, an already favorite pastime of mine, and how I should go about writing and planning a story, taking cues from Berserk on how to and how NOT to write and approach things in my own way, which I think is for the best in the long run. I can only dream that I’ll be published someday – which doesn’t have to be a pipe dream because it’s still much more possible than impossible. And so many other have done the same, creating our own stories and works.

And OF COURSE Berserk inspired me to be a little bit badass from time to time in moments of frivolity and seriousness – but it reminds us all that being badass and being a kinder person who tries to become the best version of themselves are not mutually exclusive. We definitely need more of that in today’s world.

We all made our own little bonfires of dreams happen, and because of Berserk existing, there will be a lot more beginnings than endings, and I don’t see a lot of bonfires being extinguished anytime soon. Miura poured his heart and soul into Berserk and its characters, and while he has passed on, his characters and lessons will live on through us and everything we create and how we live our lives (hopefully for the better).

I was happy to share all of my thoughts with you all – and I’ll continue to do so, since the mythos of Berserk has been a major backdrop of my creative mind for over fifteen years now and there is still so much to dissect and speculate. Personally, I don’t see Berserk ending just yet, if only because I’d be surprised that Miura or his publisher didn’t have some Operation London Bridge type plan in place in the event that this happened (Berserk is, after all, a major title that most likely brings Young Animal a lot of revenue). Again, I never treated Miura or Berserk as divine untouchables, so if there are plans in place to continue Berserk without Miura (BUT with his permission) or just on how to wrap up the story to give it a fulfilling conclusion, I personally would be okay with it (as a friend of mine put it, it’d be more of a tribute than an imitation). Going beyond our lifetimes, works will continue to be interpreted and reinterpreted as they have since time immemorial; perhaps Berserk will reach that point someday.

Honestly, and many have thought so too, Berserk was also meant to be cosmic level in both scale and concept. The plot is so grand and Byzantine that, even under Miura’s direct supervision, I always had a hard time envisioning how a story of this scale would conclude. As much as we love to hate him, a final showdown between Guts and Griffith seems too simple, too “good vs. evil”-esque for Berserk. Maybe having a low-key, vague but optimistic and bittersweet wrap up is what is best for Guts, Casca, and their new-found family. But that’s just another one of my fan speculations.

Regardless or what is to become of Berserk now, I think it’s safe to give adulations. We all came across Berserk at different times in our lives and stuck with the story for different reasons. For some of us, it was just another series that our friend from the campus anime club recommended to us; for others, we were drawn in from a morbid curiosity of its dark notoriety in anime circles. A few of us read for the gratuitous violence and the clout (because we all know you’re so deep and hardcore [/sar]), but a lot more of us read for the journey and the characters that we became a part of. The heaviness of Berserk made us confront a lot of trauma and even relive our own. For some of us, understandably, it was not a good idea to dive deeper (and maybe somethings could have been handled better); for the rest of us, it helped us cope, if not entirely through the story itself, than through the support network we made for ourselves in this fandom and its many realms (some realms, I argue, are more caring and nurturing than others).

From time to time, I always wonder if I would ever “grow out” of Berserk. There were indeed several times I took a step away from fandom and have tried to reduce my exposure to the story - but I always came back in some way, because the essence of Berserk has never left me and never will. Humorously I envisioned myself actually forgetting about Berserk for several decades, decades in which I work at my career, raise my family, mourn my elders, but continue living my life, only to go on the future internet in my mid-50s to find out… Miura is STILL working on that ending, sitting at his desk in the same pose as that famous monochrome capture of him, only he’s grayed and wrinkled, like the great Miyazaki.

The possibility of that future is over, but there are so many others.

[picusviridis]

🖊 VINCENT AND MAKIIIIIIII

HGRK GOIGN IN FOR THE KILL IMEEDIATELY OKAY.......... I SEE HOW IT IS....................../silly

im like debating on what 2 say for vincent hes jus tlike hes he . hes he he. okay but anyways i guess it's less VINCENT and more characters so inherently related TO vincent its like might as well? but that guy he dreams about i named him i gave him a personality a design. yet he will never see the light of day because his name gives me psychic damage but at the same time i DO have an alternate name....? but im so torn. but that is a fun fact . also i lied about him never seeing the light of day he will see it just this once. a peek through the oubliette's bars or whatever (*specifically like the dream version because its cooler

also, a more vincent-y fun fact: hes like dodging chamption #1 in netzachs floor because fun fact! hes on netzachs floor, which was an accident mind you. i didnt mean for that to happen (i dont think????) but like it fits (<- random but i think i found out WHY vincent vdl was on netzachs floor. ok storytime i used to have a character named vincent, no relation to vincent vdl nor the vdl, but i like grew 2 hate him after i read the void dream logs because like i could never make vincent vdl without it being THIS vincent. then i DESTROYED him sent him to the deepest pits of hell and made vincent vdl in his place and also that other vincent happened to be in netzachs floor because he was 'vincent from safety' or something. do with all of that what you will. he was also ugly as hell. here;s a pic)

this art is so

literally dont remember the art being this bad but like whatever i guess i drew this like a year ago???

anyways i cough. he nigh soloed alriune llike the idk dodging champion he is. that is all i was supposed to say

anyways ======= maki =========

UHHH UHH MAKI.........THE LOBSTER........ i guess i will like i dont knowe. talk about like backstory or something. so like i have a corp a district, district 19, Symbiosis Corporation, they make test tube babies and im still trying to think of a good singularity but like yeah and they like animals a lot and like so many of my characters are from district 19 which also in tandem means theyre all British i didnt think this through i just thorught it would be funny i didnt expect to have consequences. anyways so like maki is the first in a line of like really Really specific babies 2 actually like LIVE and everyone was like WOOO YEAH FUCKJIGN FINALLY and then they fuckedthem up irreversibly (<- albeit accidentally but like letting the bastards who only know how to experiment care for the like magnum opus of your corp was not a good idea mr "dr freeman " (<- sigh he's the guy who made symcorp .ya he's cool? ) but at least they dont know fear shame or.... sadness so a win in my book ithink.

also i remembered actually what i actually wanted to talk about ? ?? ? the fact theyre like undead ????? because thats something. originally explained by the original symcorp singularity, which was baiscally Living Juice, it could revive you but then i was like no man thats kinda fucked. like thats TOO much. so i scrapped it so now maki is just too indecisive to die. or too silly. either or . for the longest time i debated with myself about maki's actual like... state of life, in a sense, like are they TRULY alive? and like.... i mean they're SAPIENT. that's close enough to being Alive. right. anyways another fun fact before i like actually end this i think its too long? but them being dead is like the only reason why samuel is in the "main friend group" of ocs . cuz . um . he can see ghosts? maki was ghost once. also wait. FINAL FUN FACT I SWEAR i hope you know the way maki died (the first time) was due to me not understanding that +200 stats from you must be happy will like make that employee Disappear. but yeah i got like a million stats for maki on the second? day and they disappeared and i was so sad that i immediately remade them the next day. which is why they are 1. still an oc and 2. like a zombie????????? like ???? rose from the dead? ????? a rotting corpse ?????? yeah :3

[passionate-reply]

Passionate Reply is back, and taking a look at one of the best known and most influential albums in industrial history: Nine Inch Nails’ Pretty Hate Machine! Transcript of the video below the break.

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! Today, it’s finally time to discuss arguably the best known industrial musician of all time, and his debut album: this is Pretty Hate Machine, by Nine Inch Nails. Released in 1989, it is, technically, an “80s album,” but given how stylistically influential it would become on the music of the 1990s, it’s hard to think of it as a product of the preceding decade. Still, it’s worth remembering that this album came out almost fifteen years into the history of industrial, and Nine Inch Nails’ Trent Reznor has never denied his indebtedness to, and appreciation of, the genre’s 80s pioneers, like Coil and Skinny Puppy. Pretty Hate Machine didn’t go down in history for being the very first industrial album, but rather for being the first one that most people actually heard--particularly, in Reznor’s native America. What really set Nine Inch Nails apart, then and now, is Reznor’s ability to marry those harsh textures and machine beats with a real knack for that most elusive of songwriting goals: the pop hook.

Music: “Head Like a Hole”

Pretty Hate Machine’s unforgettable opener, “Head Like a Hole,” is the track on the album that you’re most likely to have encountered before, and sits just behind “Hurt” and “Closer” in the ranking of the best-known Nine Inch Nails songs. There’s not a whole lot to say about it, musically, that hasn’t already been said--each of its three parts have that devilishly catchy quality about them, and despite its underlying electronic structure, inspired by European EBM, it’s got just enough rock credibility to appeal to American audiences. It wasn’t a huge pop hit, of course, but I think it’s easy to hear how and why it earned its acclaim, and high rotation on MTV.

As far as the lyrics are concerned, I’m always happy to listen to an anti-capitalist jam, especially when it comes to industrial, but I feel like that lends a weird tension to “Head Like a Hole.” Reznor wants to sell us his denouncement of “God Money” and the relentless hunger of capital, but using such an approachable, or marketable, pop formula forces us to question its sincerity. Despite industrial music’s deep roots in counter-cultural values, the sociopolitical commentary of the album doesn’t dig any deeper than “Head Like a Hole”’s vague indignance at being controlled by something-or-other. While I won’t argue that artists ever “owe” anybody more political art, Trent Reznor popularized a style of music that began as an expression of working-class struggles on another continent, partly by stripping away most of the truly subversive commentary, so I can’t say I don’t understand why many die-hard industrial listeners see him as something of a profiteering poseur. So, if Pretty Hate Machine isn’t about class struggle, what is it about? The short answer is, atomized personal struggles, particularly in unhealthy relationships.

Music: “Sanctified”

While a track like “Sanctified” isn’t quite as explosively hooky as “Head Like a Hole,” it’s made of the same basic stuff: tight mechanical rhythms, shouty vocals, and distorted guitars that offer just the right amount of edge. As the title implies, it deals with themes of religious purity, darkly inverted--a common enough subject for traditional goth music, though a bit less so for industrial. Still, it’s not unheard of, and seems like a good fit for this particularly American take on industrial. The sort of push-and-pull, love-and-hate dynamic on display here is a consistent one throughout the album, though at times, it feels a bit more low-brow.

Music: “Kinda I Want To”

“Kinda I Want To” is certainly a catchy song, which is once again cut from that same dominant songwriting formula, but I find it’s one that I have my own love-hate relationship with. Whether or not I like a given song is rarely determined chiefly by its lyricism, but in this case, I find “Kinda I Want To” to be almost insufferably puerile and crass. For as much as the critical consensus has really turned around on Nine Inch Nails, with Oscars, Emmys, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame smiling at Reznor’s artistic achievements, I still remember growing up in a world where this was panned as music for angsty teenage boys. While I obviously think *Pretty Hate Machine* has more value than that, it’s moments like “Kinda I Want To” that make me see the argument. It’s always struck me as a track that takes itself very seriously, and yet fails to convince me. On the other hand, you’ve got a track like “Down In It,” which feels unashamed of being slightly lighter fare.

Music: “Down In It”

In fairness, “Down In It” isn’t entirely “light” material, with its lyrical theme of addiction and its delightfully scratchy soundscape, but it’s danceable and club-friendly in a way that really sets it apart from the rest of *Pretty Hate Machine.* It’s even got a bit of hip-hop influence, with its pseudo-rap verses, and that distortion that sounds vaguely like record scratching--calling back to the early days of hip-hop when it was chiefly employed as party music. Reznor and company famously mimed “Down In It” on the TV program *Dance Party USA,* which a lot of Nine Inch Nails fans see as incongruously absurd, but I think this track genuinely does fit in just fine in that milieu. I don’t look down upon dance music, and I don’t think it’s insulting to suggest that “Down In It” is some great dance music. It was actually the album’s lead single, and a fairly successful one in its own time, so clearly, people were moving to it.

Pretty Hate Machine’s iconic cover is somewhat abstract, featuring this tightly framed streak of lurid magenta and teal that’s boxed in by oppressive walls of black. While that artificial colour palette makes it difficult to ascertain exactly what we’re looking at, it appears to be some sort of large machine with a symmetrical row of spokes, though it’s possible to interpret it as something more organic as well--perhaps a ribcage, or a row of teeth.

The album title “Pretty Hate Machine” strikes me as almost pithy with how straightforward it is. Yes, you can put this album on and expect to find some electronic, machine music, with a fair amount of spite and vitriol, but covered over in that “pretty” pop sheen. Like a lot of the album, it’s on the nose, and perhaps a bit simplistic, but functional enough that I don’t overtly dislike it, even if it isn’t exactly clever.

Reznor’s follow-up to Pretty Hate Machine, 1994’s The Downward Spiral, would go on to even greater acclaim than his debut, and it’s considered by many to be his magnum opus.

Music: “Reptile”

Given its greater emphasis on guitar-driven noise-scapes, and its concept album style narrative, chronicling its protagonist’s descent into madness, I completely understand why the rock criticism establishment is high on this album. In what will probably go down as one of my most controversial opinions, I really don’t care for The Downward Spiral very much at all, precisely because it fits the “rock album” mould so much more than albums like Pretty Hate Machine. Give me the EBM beats any day of the week.

My favourite track on Pretty Hate Machine is its closing track, “Ringfinger.” While “Ringfinger” is yet another toxic relationship-themed number, I like the emphasis on work or labour in its lyrics. The context is quite different, but I’d like to think it has a hint of that working-class consciousness of industrial’s European forebears. Musically, I think this song’s outro is to die for. It closes out the album with some impressively cacophonous rhythm, almost ridiculous in the density of how many loops are playing at once--and yet it works! Overall, I think the percussion tracks throughout the whole album are really remarkable, despite often being overlooked by critics. That’s all I have for today--thanks for watching!

Music: “Ringfinger”

[icespur]

Cute Parent Pennywise Idea....

Yes, Pennywise does eat human children. So it would be hard and impossible for most people to imagine him as a parent but if you have read the book IT is genuinely crushed when ITs unborn children are killed.

So maybe Pennywise wouldn’t eat his own kids and be a decent parent.

Point is, in all three version. Book, Miniseries, 2017/19 films Pennywise is a egotistical creature.....

Now I’m sure we have all come across those moms that are absolutely in love with their child and must show them off to the world and anyone that they come into contact with, right? Come on, you had to have come across at least one of these parents.....

That. That is what I imagine Pennywise as a new parent to be like.

At first IT can’t comprehend that IT, the Eater Of Worlds and Children has created ITs own child. ITs impossible! So the first couple days are IT just trying to process this and “What the fuck did I do?!”

Eventually though, the love and joy of having a living creature that is your own takes hold and “This tiny creature is my Magnum Opus. This is the best most beautiful tiny creature. I have made this therefore it is perfect. It shall grow to eat humans like me and I shall love it and teach it to eat and sleep, this is what love feels like, all it does is cry and smell and sleep but it is perfect and pure and the best accident I have ever created I must show the entire town this thing that I have made by complete and utter accident.”

Half the adults can’t see Pennywise so IT does the only logical thing.........Show off ITs newborn to ITs victims....

So just imagine you were a child that got grabbed by Pennywise. Instead of eating you IT opens ITs mouth and the last thing you see are three glowing lights. You have been trapped in your own mind plagued with horrific visions for who knows how many years. Is this what death feels like?

All of a sudden you get pulled back into reality. You have no idea what year it is, and before you even get a chance to fully comprehend what is happening a tiny newborn is shoved way too close to your face....

Pennywise starts temporarily waking ITs victims out of the Deadlights just so they can see this wonderful creature that IT has made.

“Where am I—-“

“LOOK AT MY CHILD!” Shoves newborn in child’s face so close the baby is pretty much covering the child’s entire head so they can’t see said baby even if they wanted to.

Then proceeds to joyfully roasts said confused child and the entire human race by going on a long tangent of how perfect and wonderful ITs offspring is compared to normal dumb HUMAN babies (Even though it’s child looks like a normal human baby except it’s glowing) if the confused children say anything remotely negative about ITs child Pennywise’s happy demeanor completely changes and IT just gives you a blank look that tells you that you won’t be going back in the Deadlights because of that and will die a very slow brutal death because of that comment....

Even better if IT doesn’t stop at Deadlight victims. During ITs hunts IT has to somehow bring up that IT has a child of ITs own. Oh don’t think that means I’m going to spare you, my newborn still has to eat something!

Mike calls all the Losers back. Apparently Pennywise has woken up again and we have to kill it, “Oh apparently it also has a baby..”

The Losers: “.........It has a what?”

[tirorah]

’Minna’s Sky’ is Road to Berlin’s Crowning Achievement

A long time ago, in a universe far, far away, three young girls met each other during a war: Minna, the caring leader; Gertrud, the stalwart defender; and Erica, the lazy prodigy who kept them smiling.

As the fighting continued, a friendship began to form. And now, years later, that friendship lies at the heart of something truly exceptional.

Minna’s Sky is the culmination of twelve-and-a-half years of relationship development, and it gives this special trio the sendoff it deserves. I was overcome with conflicting emotions while I watched this episode; when it finished, I was left shaken and almost lost for words.

…Which is why I wrote an essay on it! And that entire essay is contained under the cut, so you’d best buckle up and hold onto something, because today we’re diving into what I believe to be the pièce de résistance of Strike Witches.

In a previous post speculating on what Minna’s Sky could hold—which, by the way, was thoroughly proven wrong—I took a moment to outline my love for Minna and my frustration with her neglect. Initially, this trend continued in Road to Berlin: in episodes 6 and 8, the characters were faced with circumstances that would’ve been greatly helped by a Witch with Space Understanding magic. Of course, I understand why the writers chose to exclude Minna from these events; having Minna there would’ve negated the drama of Trude thinking Erica was dead, and of Sanya and Eila clashing over conflicting sensory reports.

But Minna’s episode hit back hard. If RtB is Strike Witches’ magnum opus, then Minna’s Sky may well be RtB’s masterpiece among masterpieces. It combines the intensity and raw emotion of Hounds of Vengeance with a ticking time bomb that ratchets up the tension all the way through, finishing with a series of events that makes you feel like anything can happen.

Role Reversal

Minna’s Sky starts with a surprise right away. In episode 8, Minna and Trude expressed anxiety over losing their magic. At this point they’re just under three months removed from their 20th birthdays, where decay will certainly start to set in. But in this episode, we learn Minna’s already feelings the effects. At first this confused me, as their birthdays are only nine days apart, but I do recall seeing something about how Trude’s magical reserves are pretty large, second only to Yoshika’s. I can’t find my source for that, but this could be an explanation for Minna’s earlier decline.

Trude notices Minna’s flagging strength, and at that point, a switching of roles takes place.

Minna, who once held Mio at gunpoint for refusing to give up on flight, is now doing the same thing. She’s still herself, but she essentially slips into Mio’s previous role. She takes this burden upon herself and stops communicating with the others over it, even avoiding them during mealtime.

Last episode, we could see her mask starting to slip, and here, all her logic and serenity fades, replaced with a wholly emotional desire. She and her girls have worked so hard to get here, and she wants to uphold her vow of retaking Berlin, so she makes the decision to give this fight everything she has, despite the danger involved.

This puts her at odds with Trude, who slides into the calm and perceptive role Minna used to fill.

You know, Trude may be my favorite character of all time, but she hasn’t always been handled well. In Season 1, she was a great balance of the calm and quiet supporter, and the stern disciplinarian who thought yelling at Erica would make her get up earlier. In Season 2, this equilibrium was lost; it leaned much more into her anger, and there were precious few moments of Trude being the gentle and tender woman I know she can be. The movie had the same problem, as it had to reintroduce eleven characters in one sitting. Operation Victory Arrow worked hard to remedy this problem, focusing on smaller casts which gave them time to show different sides of themselves—like Minna and Trude having breakfast like a married couple. Ahem.

This is one reason why RtB has been so gratifying for me. It knows what it’s doing with Trude and while she’s certainly had some angry moments, RtB has built her up as a more mature, level-headed executive officer. Consequently, it feels natural for her to take up the position Minna would usually hold in this type of situation.

Even when she privately confronts Minna over her magic, there is no anger, only attempts to reason her friend out of her decision. But Minna doesn’t want Kiel to be lost, and at that moment, it’s made clear that she prioritizes Operation Southwind over her own well-being.

And this is entirely contradictory with what she usually tells her girls! Like I said before, the 501st is a circle of love, and while that love motivates them to fight for one another’s sakes, as Sanya did, it now leads Minna down a path of self-sacrifice that would’ve absolutely killed her if it was one of her girls doing it. Moreover, with Trude now filling Minna’s role, she’s the one pleading with Minna not to go, and like Minna once failed to stop Mio, Trude now fails to stop Minna.

This causes inner turmoil. Trude doesn’t want to lose Kiel, but if Minna perishes, she’d never forgive herself. Like she said in Hounds of Vengeance, when she thought Erica was dead, retaking Berlin would have no point if Minna wasn’t there to celebrate it with them.

It says something, then, that Trude chooses to go along with Minna’s wishes, and even keeps her waning magic a secret from the others. Instead of declaring Minna unfit for battle—which I imagine she has every right to do—she instead becomes Minna’s most ardent protector, immediately volunteering for the high-risk operation. When Minna becomes anxious and nearly makes a mistake, Trude is there to rein her in and calm her down. Minna even comments on how this would usually be the other way around.

Fortunately, Minna is better at this self-sacrificing stuff than Mio is. While she initially uses her desire to protect Kiel to justify her actions, a heartfelt campfire scene shows us that she’s aware of the ramifications her death would have. As Erica complains about their fake coffee, Minna promises to make her a proper batch when they return; Trude tells her not to make such promises, but Minna reassures her she’ll come back safe, and even proposes they go to a café together once Berlin is retaken. On the surface, they’re making plans for the future; but underneath, it’s an implied message to Trude: I understand. I’m not going out to die. I’ll come back.

Isn’t that first pic just the cutest Trude shot ever, by the way?

And Trude is pacified. She places her trust in Minna and continues to support her as best she can.

Of course, things are never that simple. Minna succeeds at her objective, and just when the episode seems to be steering to a happy conclusion, the Hive screeches and loads up all its rockets at the same time. As Trude once again begs her to stop, she does the unthinkable: she cuts the line and dives into a suicide run, breaking one promise to keep another.

The facial expressions and body language have been god-tier in RtB.

I must commend Tanaka Rie here. I’ve often complimented Sonozaki Mie (who voices Trude) for her impeccable delivery, but Tanaka Rie is equally excellent, possibly better in some departments (like range, just hear her role in Mai Otome for example). Here, as Negai no Tomoshibi starts playing in the background, the gravity of the scene rests entirely on Tanaka’s voice work. And boy, does she nail it! The exhaustion, the desperation, the sheer will, it’s all there. Her desperate pants and cries at the end are especially powerful, and they make this scene even more dramatic when she faints right after.

Trude manages to catch her—and only Trude was there, because 1: we only saw Trude catching her; 2: the hand we see is Minna’s left, and in the next shot, Trude is carrying her right arm instead; and 3: we only saw one blue dot in the Hive, and the episode previously established one dot was one Witch.

Ahem! Trude catches her and brings her back, and she…breaks down.

Wow. Trude doesn’t cry easily, you know. We’ve seen her depressed, despondent, even heard her sob as she told Yoshika to leave her behind, but until Hounds of Vengeance, we’d never seen Trude cry. While that one ended in a victorious moment, here the emotion is allowed to run its course, and it’s heartbreaking. Trude doesn’t just cry, she weeps, and as she yells and screams at Minna that she could never follow an order that would involve leaving Minna behind, her facial expressions convey just how terrified she truly was.

I said earlier that Minna switched to Mio’s role, and while that’s true, there’s something even more poetic at work here: this episode mirrors Season 1’s Episode 4 in some places, to the point that I feel like it has to be on purpose. That’s one reason why I made this photoset. Just look at this:

Oh look, more apologizing! These two are so emotionally responsible to one another. It’s always good to see.

The roles are shown as reversed, with Trude crying and reprimanding Minna, and Minna apologizing for her actions and agreeing on a better path forward.

Sexy Gal

I also need to devote some space to Erica here. She wasn’t as prominent—Minna and Trude’s bond took center stage—but this episode is probably the best showcase of Erica’s qualities. We already saw her surviving in the woods and rationing her chocolate three episodes prior, but here, it’s clear more than ever what her role is in the Karlsland Trio’s support structure: the morale boost.

In the “Erica Hartmann 1941” manga, we’re shown how Erica becomes a ray of hope for everyone, and especially Minna and Trude, whom she begins to develop a friendship with at that time. It’s this aspect which is finally on full display here: while she’s not as overt with her support as Trude is, she helps in her own way, and her easy-going personality consistently puts a smile on her friends’ faces. That’s why it’s so important that it’s Erica who makes Minna laugh—not once, but twice. In a group where the other two members have their fair share of baggage, Erica is a breath of fresh air and equally important.

Rising Tension

Okay, with the character work out of the way, let’s look at the episode’s story. Because holy crap, I felt like I was watching a movie! At first, I was a little annoyed by some of the stiff animation (especially for RtB’s standards). I was afraid they were going to half-ass Minna’s episode. But as the episode proceeded and absolutely everything got better and better, I realized I was in for a very special ride.

I’ve always had the opinion that Strike Witches is at its best when it plays its war drama straight, but it’s not as simple as striking the serious tone and having the characters fight for their lives. Strike Witches isn’t a pure action show; the stakes in battle often revolve around the characters overcoming their flaws, struggling to protect the world and those they hold dear. Thus, Strike Witches relies on its lighter moments to develop the cast so that when danger comes to them, your emotional investment in the characters helps to create additional tension.

In general, RtB has been great at this, but for me personally, the most emotionally intense episode prior to Minna’s Sky was Episode 6: Hounds of Vengeance.

But that one was different. It started off with relatively low tension, then brought it up to full when Erica was left behind and Trude had a meltdown over it. But when it’s revealed that Trude isn’t just moping around, and that she’s working on a plan, the tension evens out. The central question goes from ‘Will Erica survive?’ to ‘How awesome will Trude be in this episode?’ The climactic action is triumphant, and although Trude’s reaction to Erica’s ‘body’ is heartbreakingly real, we as viewers know that Erica is fine; in fact, she hasn’t seemed that down at all, obviously having faith in her rescue.

Episode 9 doesn’t do that. It immediately confronts you with Minna’s magic issue and her hiding it from her friends, then pretends to be innocent for a while, with Patton being an idiot and Ursula introducing her helmet gun. (“It’s a helmet, with a gun on it.” NO, REALLY?) But as soon as the Komet is introduced, the pressure builds and it never lets up.

It all comes to a head when the trio (plus Ursula) reaches the launch point. Minna’s been dropping death flags all episode, and now things go haywire over and over. An hour left? Nope, the Neuroi spotted you and moved up the rocket’s launch. Barely enough time to intercept the rocket? Hey, there’s that Neuroi that beat the two top aces of the world in single combat, and it’s coming to stop you. Thirty seconds to go for the fuel? The Neuroi gets past Trude and Erica and nearly destroys the Komet, hurts Ursula and blows up one of their trucks. Trude and Erica get it away from there? Oh look, the Hive’s about to launch!

We then get an epic scene where Minna takes off, uses her magic, and destroys the rocket. Speaking of which, I didn’t say anything about this when I talked about episode 8, but I’m so happy we finally get to see some of the Witches’ magic from their point of view! Seeing Eila’s future sight was haunting, and Minna’s is awesome to see as well. Erica and Trude manage to finish off their quarry, showing their skill and adaptability; it seems their prior experience means they’re better prepared to deal with its unique movements this time around.

Erica asks for chocolate and grumbles when Trude tells her she’ll get some later. Minna laughs, but there’s still that tension because Minna’s fuel is almost up, and she’s hanging around that damn Hive.

And then the Hive loads up all its rockets at once, and all hell breaks loose. Trude loses control of the situation as Minna goes on a suicide run, and then the insert song starts playing. It’s difficult to explain the impact of that song without simply showing you the episode. The moment that piano hits, it feels as though a veneer of tragedy descends upon the scene. The Komet nearly stops working, and Minna is on her last legs, and she’s reduced to nothing but cries and gasps. She faints moments after she destroys the last rocket.

And then the music gets louder as Minna plummets into the Hive, red slowly filling the screen. We’re treated to a long shot of Minna falling into the swirling, angry clouds, her tiny form fading into its mass. And at that point I freaked the fuck out.

It was somewhere around Season 2’s finale and watching the movie that I realized Strike Witches doesn’t kill off characters. Let’s just say killing a beloved character probably wouldn’t work too well for future sales. (“Hey, look at this awesome figure of the girl who died! Don’t you just love her? We’ll accept your tears as interest.”) If Mio of all people can have plot armor rivaling the size of the planet, then Minna sure as hell won’t perish here.

And yet, for a fleeting moment, I was absolutely terrified she would. All because of the masterful tension of this episode, and this entire fight scene in particular.

Fortunately, Trude manages to locate Minna in the clouds and brings her back, and the viewer can finally breathe easier as we head to the happy ending they deserve.

…Oh right, the ending.

Yuri alert

Let me start off by saying this ending is complete bullshit. It feels shoehorned in—no, I don’t care what historical event it’s referencing—and it doesn’t fit the tone of the episode at all.

Having said that, as much as this made me laugh (even more than Trude’s literal asspull in Hounds of Vengeance) it did get one thing completely right: yes, Ursula, it IS very beautiful. The love between these three is great. What kind of love that exactly is, I’m not entirely sure anymore.

Yes, you’re going to roll your eyes at this—oh no, she’s going to rant about Minna x Trude again—but…I was watching this ending, right, and I could almost hear the gears in my brain turn as I tried to process this image. Emotionally, I felt like this ending was communicating love of a different sort.

Look, for all I know they’re just best buds who’ve come to deeply rely on one another for emotional and psychological stability, but my god, this ending definitely felt like a ‘oh by the way, the three of them are married to each other’ signal to me. I’m not joking!

Does that make Minna x Trude canon, even as part of an OT3? No. In fact, for all the delightful Minna x Trude subtext this episode had…

Deflection by way of flirtation. Oh là là~!

…Trude did all but confess to Erica in episode 6, and later this week, Mio might finally return in a big way and might have screen time with Minna. But my point is, in that moment, my ship felt realer than ever. In that respect, this episode gave me more than I ever thought I’d receive.

Insert clever ending header here

Right, so that’s my ramble on Minna’s Sky. I hope I’ve managed to get across why I believe it’s the best episode of the entire series. The character writing was top-notch, the tension was through the roof, the music was evocative and the animation was beautiful. Barring an absolutely spectacular final three episodes (and I wouldn’t put it past RtB to deliver that), I think this is as good as it gets. It’s not easy to beat emotional stakes that were established twelve years ago, after all.

Minna’s Sky was absolutely the episode Minna deserved, and I was very happy to see the Karlsland Trio getting its spot in the limelight as we gradually draw closer to the ending. It’s their home they’re trying to take back, after all. And while I have no doubt Minna will continue to fly until the end of the season (she seems to be fine in the preview), Operation Southwind will most likely be the bookend to Minna and Trude’s careers.

I can only hope this won’t be the last we see of Minna and Trude. I’d love it if we got to see their lives after Karlsland’s liberation, either as supporting members of the Wing or trying to live normal lives after fighting a war for nearly a decade. (Shameless plug: I have a Minna x Trude fanfic which explores the latter.)

But most of all, I don’t want Road to Berlin to end.

[yasumi222]

KILLING STALKING ANALYSIS :D PART UNO

Ayz, u ppl r so nice, luvz :D

And I was thinking for some days already, about that bizarre plotline in the recent chapters, so I came up with theory – or more likely a perspective. I love Killing Stalking – but only psychological aspect of it – the part of investigation is… bad. Real bad. Still, plot holes are there to stick a finger in them. And I have a lot blabbering to do, so I suppose I won’t post it all at once XD Still, I’ll make kinda tl;dr to maybe at least announce what I have in mind and we will see how it goes.

So tl;dr – last chapters are (not 100% aware) Sangwoo suicide attempt, he did not “murder” Chief Kwak, he has inner demon fight – inside his head - Seungbae is something – and I will call it a villain.

And for the beginning – I’ll start with the analyse – what made Sangwoo to be in the situation he is right now, and why he called it upon himself. I’m saying that right now XD ill divide part one in two parts, because it will be long ass shit, and I will be crazy surprised if someone read one part in one go.

I will go for the more juicy plot holes later, after I make a point in that suicide of Sangwoo matter – because – in my opinion it is the opus magnum of that story.

PART I – SANGWOO CHARACTER ANALYSIS

Let’s start with Sangwoo. Within chapters in S3 its vivid that he cares no more about his wellbeing, he is not scared of death – he is scared of one particular way of dying – the painful one. Risky way of driving, talking about his crimes out loud, lack of joy in the thing that should provide some sort of warmness inside his broken heart.

I think Sangwoo after such traumas is divided between two personalities. Either it is some strange dissociative identity disorder, where the split is not fully achieved, but its present, or its very severe case of borderline disorder. Either way - I will assume – that indeed – inside his head lives two characters, which are fighting over leadership. And one of them is 90% of the time victorious. Let’s call him KILLER – that crazy, murderous personality, without empathy, full of himself – absolute and terrible monster. That “Killer” is the one who has hallucinations about his mother, that “Killer” believes he killed not only a mother, but a father too. That “KILLER” was created the day – when his mother put a knife in her throat, and is surviving till today. And that KILLER is the schizophrenic one – who hears bangs on the door, who reacts with aggression with every hallucination that appear. I’m pretty convinced that the first killings from Sangwoo – were not committed with the full sanity of the act. They were not accident, of course, but he was killing over and over his mother - then his mind needed to accustom to such horrific act. And the KILLER matured. Killings were most probably soothing shattered mind, he killed hallucination after hallucination – letting himself for a moment of peace – in such horrific manner.

And Bum was the one, who managed to snap the KILLER out of his mania – with very simple words. I love you. Because if mother of the KILLER was indeed loving him, even after rape, she wouldn’t die. She wouldn’t get the knife inside her throat. She wouldn’t reject him in such disgusting act. She hated him so much, she preferred death over letting herself love him. She would be still alive, alas KILLER wouldn’t be born.

And the KILLER stops. Bum survives.

But stopping the KILLER is way different story than overcoming him. He is pushing every way possible – to force Bum to hate him – testing him, trying him – and still like a child, who kicks his dog – he still expect that the dog will come back – lick his face, wiggle tail in happiness.  It’s not logical. But Sangwoo expect absolute love – even in the face of true terror.

Maybe because he regrets, he didn’t show his love to his mother – even during the most disgusting act – because he loved her unconditionally, and maybe – maybe if he didn’t complain – she would not reject him.

And KILLER is angry when Bum rejects him. But then, try after try, when our fucked up in the head Bum manage to still show his attachment to Sangwoo – the KILLER starts to shine less, and something old – something long forgotten is starting to look at Bum with different eyes. The moment of Bum attempted suicide is crucial moment, when the KILLER is for the moment gone. Hidden. Bum is trying to get rid of himself – not because he do not love Sangwoo – but because Sangwoo is not loving him. And Sangwoo see for the first time – himself in small figure of Bum, he sees that rejected, scared boy, who cries his out eyes, and who is ready to give up his life – not for him, but as an act of rejection of the world without him. Sangwoo for the first time believes Bum – because there is no lie in the blood. There is no lie in the tears.

Sangwoo hurt him. And he is aware of that.

And that Sangwoo – of that moment – is the man who will sustain on doing any harm to his beloved Bum. That is the second persona, who will lose again and again in the battle with the KILLER. But it’s the persona that I love. The persona who tries, and tries. But that persona needs help, needs constant sustain, needs the directions – to learn again how to behave, how to notice others. When I’m in pain – for example – having an headache – I’m really focused about my wellbeing. It’s easier to get upset over someone, because during pain I’m more self-centered. And Sangwoo agony is going on and on and on and on, without any pauses. And him trying to see through his trauma other person is almost impossible – and yet – he tries. Not as a hero, he won’t get any applause for doing that. And – even during tries – he is fully aware he will fail. Again. And again. Victory was never an option.

And we can all agree – KILLING STALKING – shouldn’t have a happy ending. And there was never an intention of getting one - as Koogi showed us. Sangwoo is suicidal. He was, he is and he will be. But there was one thing – the most painful death – that he feared with all his mind, wholesome of his heart. The lonely, painful death. And it was a curse placed upon him. The dagger poking his neck. And he was well aware it will never go away. Then – he asked the only person – which reached his softer, calmer persona for one thing. To die with him. To be with him – even in the most scary moment – to be with him – and in that way – even if he was devoured alive but monsters, drenched in the well, crushed to the bones – he would not die the most painful way. He needed Bum to protect him from alone, dark and scary death. And in that way he would – no matter what – be protected from the curse, that his mother placed upon him.

Still – the perspective of death was not so… vivid back then. It was in front of him, but not clear, close but not too close yet. They were drown in the ceremony of their own bonding, their honeymoon before actual wedding. And I truly believe – he wanted to cherish those moment, but his broken mind was not able to fulfill any boxes of happiness. Dysphoria. Sangwoo lost an ability to feel actual happiness, but still – seeing such joy in the eyes of Bum – forced his own mind to borrow a little of that light. And that was the moment I truly loved Bum. That was his strength that Sangwoo lacked, the ability to still light that fire. Joy. Happiness. Love.

But I can only imagine what an actual feeling that was for Sangwoo. The realization of the hollowness of your own being.

And he was shattering.

And I’d like to think that – the murder of the lady during ski trip – was an actual parallel to the first time – when Sangwoo killed someone. Haunted with the pictures of his mother, with trembling hands, and tears in his eyes – it was not a KILLER who killed her. It wasn’t thought through, it wasn’t calm and ironic. It was madness, absolutely terrifying madness.

And Sangwoo ran. Shattering more and more of the defenses he set years ago. He was naked in his own filthy, murderous self, in his own disgusting, horrid trauma, and drowned in the fear of dying – most painful, most painful, most painful… way…

And he ran to Bum. He cried next to Bum. Even if he didn’t expect him to answer, his presence was his safe place. He believed he won’t be rejected, or maybe at least hoped so. Even if he expected silence – it was the first time – when he – in very clumsy way – reached to Bum for help. Dependence was set hard in the stone. For the first time – Sangwoo was really vulnerable – and in the future – that vulnerability will only grow stronger.

 Thank you if you reached the bottom of that mindsea :) I hope, even if it’s some rambling of anon in the internet – maybe a tiny bit of it was entertaining for you; as it is part one ill try to post second asap :D even if only for myself :’D cheers!

[komatsunana]

Chronicles of Exandria: The Legend of Vox Machina II

I did this for the first volume, so I bought this artbook right away just to do it again. <3 My Winter’s Crest gift to all the critters.

The art. Once again I cannot overstate the stunning artwork of the critter community. I know some fans balk at the price, but all the artists are paid to have their art in the book - and I think the big price tag is well worth artist getting some compensation for their work (do correct me if I’m wrong). I won’t be sharing any photos of of the art, but most of it is available online already.

However, I will share this photo of the print on the box the book came in:

Excerpt of the Foreward:

“The memories in this book are real. They were created with love and laughter around a table with friends, and let loose on the wind to find what ears would listen.  The joys and pains of every winding turn still occupy our minds daily and if you are reading this, I suspect they live on in yours as well.  We were there.  We witnessed it unfold.” 

Vox Machina was only able to scry on Scanlan once, as seen in the episode Jugs and Rods, but some time after Scanlan warded himself against arcane sight.

The Mantle of the Tempest is described as “eternal autumn leaves.”

Keyleth goes on to rule with wisdom and grace.

Usually the Cobalt Soul has problems researching historical figures for whom there is little written word about...... With Taryon they had the opposite problem: there was too much! lmao. And 90% of it is believed to be embellished or flat out lies.

Nicknames that Taryon gave himself and were never used by anyone ever: “The Winsome Winner of Wildemount,” “Talented Tary,” “Golden-Maned Guardian of Good,” and “The Vindicator.”

Uvenda, the gnome in Vesrah, is still alive!! She’s stepped down as leader now and is the tale-teller of Vesrah.

The Ashari call the kraken that VM fought for Keyleth’s Aremente “Ulugrah the Requisite.”

Uvenda claims that Ulugrah, upon learning that the creatures it had trounced were legendary heroes (I’m assuming they mean Vox Machina), it boasts about it’s victory against them to anyone who will listen any who come to its lair in the Plane of Water.

Tova went by different epithets including: “The Bear,” “Little Half-Ear,” “The Bloody-Handed,” and “The Skin Changer.” After surviving the Hells thanks to Vax’s ring of invisibility, she gained the name “The Unseen Death.”  Little else can be verified about Tova, but none of her friends she went to with Dis survived.

Grey Hunt Lore

Lord Wolf de Rolo and Lady Melanie van Musel de Rolo were the leaders of the 4th reign of Whitestone. It was a political marriage and Melanie was particularly unhappy. She had a garden filled with flora and fauna from her home in Wildemont. The garden is now known as the Widow’s Garden and many of the plants were poisons that she used to slowly assassinate Lord Wolf with.  

After being injured in the Great Whitestone Fire, he couldn’t recover because of the poison and he died leaving Melanie the ruler. She decided to redraw the lines of the city walls, pushing into the Parchwood Timberlands which didn’t go well. Construction was plagued by accidents, animal attacks, and phantoms were reported (such as of Lord Wolf) - though the construction of a Temple of the Dawnfather went unhindered.  

Lady Melanie’s cousin was Ivan van Musel, a cleric, and he declared that Melanie had pissed off the Dawnfather by expanding without showing reverence. Ivan went into the forest after much mediation and was later found battered but alive atop a felled Direwolf.  Ivan had a vision in which the Lawbearer agreed to the expansion no further than where Ivan had felled the Direwolf and that from here on, a citizen of Whitestone must venture into the Parchwood when called to do so and be tested. 

Melanie created the title Grand Master of the Grey Hunt, the third ruling house of Whitestone, for Ivan.  The third house has since forth been in change of the Grey Hunt and managing the city’s relationship with the world beyond the city walls.

Hundreds of gold in property damage during Vox Machina’s stay at Dalen’s Closet while VM “relentlessly pranked” each other.

Whitestone became a thriving metropolis during VM’s year off - in part because of Allura keeping it safe during Thordak’s reign while everywhere else was ravaged.

K’yrrn - the dark elf that kidnapped Taryon - is from Xhorhas!

Though Tary could be called a fool, a braggart, a coward... in the moment he stood against his father’s selfishness and bigotry and forgave and reconciled with him is described as being more valiant than slaying.

Lionel Gayheart had “an unusual case of amnesia.”

JB Trickfoot continued to work in Whitestone’s library and it’s thanks to many of her notes that the Cobalt Soul has as much as they do on Vox Machina.

“Uh, yes, the very first thing I remember about meeting Vox Machina was when the red-haired lady jumped off a mountain.  It was grisly.  But what I’ll remember forever is what happened afterward.  The coin that Lady Vex’ahlia used, the glow of light, the power.  It brought her back to life.  They really were like gods.”

Taryon’s autobiography’s dedication:  “This book is dedicated to Lawrence.  But it is for my family.”

Taryon thinks his father was actually proud of Tary’s Darrington Brigade.

Tary never liked his father, but after returning home Tary began to love him.

Mariya, Tary’s mom, was part of the Brigade and took care of the injured warriors.

Maryanne, Tary’s sister, became the driving force behind the Darrington Fund charity and even gave up her home for those less fortunate than herself.  When she called Tary “brother” it was no longer an insult.

Tary is most proud that his mother finally has a united family, one to be proud of.

Kaylie Shorthalt talks a bit about Lionel - says he was a goofy son of a bitch. He kept talking to her about ducks though.  He once tried to show her his house, but he just took her to an oasis in the middle of desert that was full of ducks.

The Cobalt Soul doesn’t like to spread rumors but they do have theories of Lionel’s Marquesian mallard heritage.

Aes Adan, aka the Meat Man, rise to power coincided with the disappearance of several low to mid level criminals.

A scholar once went to visit Scanlan to interview him to see if the rumors were true that Scanlan had been the Meat Man.  The Scribe returned, unable to remember anything from his visit.  In his notebook were only crude drawings of ducks.  Scanlan still using that Modify Memory...

The fucking Cobalt Soul knows that Scanlan sacrificed the 9th level spell he was saving for Vax to stop Vecna from leaving.  It’s history folks.

For the folks out there who love the Briarwoods’ love for each other, some of an excerpt of Delilah’s journal:  “No matter the cost, my love, I will do it.  I care not how many must die, or how grave the sins must be that I commit.  I broke the world once for you, Sylas.  I shall do it again, and again, and again, for you.  For us.  Forever.”

Vecna envied the Raven Queen, as her followers did so not just because they feared her, but because they loved and respected her too.

Vecna threatened the assembled protectors of Vasselheim, saying that it would be the perfect place for ambush, but that’s no fun when there are many less-protected loved ones.  People he threatened include Earthbreaker Groon’s daughter (Desir), Vord’s family, J’mon’s concubines, all of Whitestone and particularly Cassandra.  And Young Velora Vessar, “playing alone in her room.”

The Everlight: Redeemer of All

“Comprehension is the only true measure of dominion.”

Pelor, The Dawnfather: The Primordial Light

“Faith is defined by the darkness we have not conquered.”

Ethrid Brokenbranch AKA Sprigg the Obnoxious gets his own book of history by the Cobalt Soul.  Autobiographical writings were found in the wreckage of his house

The Goddess Ioun: Our Knowing Mistress

“Comprehension is the only true measure of dominion.” (This is the same quote as for the Everlight - idk which one is the error.)

The Raven Queen: The Matron of Ravens

“By my grace, all are rendered equal.”

It is forbidden to study Arkhan the Cruel.

Vox Machina lived out the rest of their days in relative happiness and peace.

Percy’s magnum opus is the Clock Tower of Whitestone - a national treasure of Tal’Dorei.

Vex continued to rule as Baroness for a time after Percy’s passing.  Vex saw her bother’s spirit after the birth of her first child.  She reconciled somewhat with her father and showered Velora with love and blessings.

Kaylie went to school at the Alabaster Lyceum in Emon on Scanlan’s dime.

Pike and Scanlan had a lengthy courtship.

Tary’s book The Daring Trials and Tribulations of Ser Taryon Darrington contained an accurate account of his time with Vox Machina, even if nothing else is accurate.

Grog helped Earthbreaker Groon restore the Temple to the Stormlord while staying Vasselheim, defending his title in the Crucible.

The final, actual words of the book that aren’t a dedication or part of an image:  “And as the story is told: ‘Everyday that raven comes to visit.’” ;’(

There is a stunning four page fold-out page of Percy’s clock tower. I cannot emphasize enough how lovely it is.  The end of it dedicates it to Vex and is quoted with, “I couldn’t have asked for a better dream.”

On the other side of the fold-out are some... sketches of Percy’s notes? It seems that Diplomacy is now powered up by Cabal’s Ruin.

 As part of “Cobalt Souls” thank you page: “Within a book, a story can only sleep. It requires a reader to give it life.”

[judgeanon]

20,000th post - How the Hell did I get here?

So... turns out this is post 20,000 in this blog. According to my archive I started it in June 2013, which sounds about right. And I can’t rightly remember why I started it, which sounds even more right. Probably to stalk some friends.

Anyway, for those who recently joined in, hello, I’m Judge Anon. I like comics a lot. I like reading them, I like writing them, and occasionally I like dropping massive walls of text about them on unsuspecting fellows like cartoon anvils.

I’m the main (read: only) writer in FILTHY SLEEVES STUDIOS, an online repository of short sci-fi and fantasy stories drawn by the ineffable thelastinterceptor, who was sufficiently bamboozled by my big words to want to draw a bunch of my scripts. I fully expect him to come to his senses any day now, but in the meantime, please click on the title if you’d like to see what we’ve been getting up to.

I’m also a big fan the British sci-fi anthology 2000 AD, and have written several stories for their fanzines Zarjaz and Dogbreath. You can learn more about that HERE.  I’ve also been a guest in the Mega-City Book Club podcast twice, HERE and HERE. And als related to 2000 AD is my magnum opus of comic book wall-of-textism, A SHORT HISTORY OF FEMALE JUDGES IN JUDGE DREDD, where I catalogue every single appearance of a female judge in the anthology’s flagship title. And if you can’t imagine why anyone would do such a thing, trust me: you’ll find out if you stick around long enough.

I started reading comics (and reading in general) with Asterix the Gaul and Tintin, and I used to be into DC and Marvel quite a bit, but nowadays I’m only really following a couple of their titles and delved more into several indies. I got a long list of creators I’m a big fan of and would follow anywhere, but if I started writing them down I’m sure I’d forget a bunch. But if you ever feel like drowning in a sea of words, ask me anything about Garth Ennis’ body of work, O’Neil/Cowan’s 1987 The Question run (or Lady Shiva), Giffen/Abnett/Lanning’s Marvel Cosmic (esp anything involving Phyla-Vell), Larry Hama’s GI Joe, war and western comics in general, or just Judge Dredd. Satisfaction guaranteed. Maybe.

Beyond comics, I like videogames, mostly single player because I’m a bit antisocial and not terribly hard because I’m just plain bad at games; movies in general, and I’ve been fortunate enough to make friends with a couple of real buffs who’ve introduced me to stuff I’d never have touched otherwise; action figures, first via GI Joe and later through Boss Fight Studio and Marauder Gun-Runners; and the last couple of years I’ve also been getting into pro wrestling via WWE, Lucha Underground, and Stardom. There might be some anime in here every now and then, too. Old habits die hard.

I used to read a lot of books in general but lost that particular habit a few years ago and now I’m trying to recover it, but it’s not going too well I’m afraid. The one thing I can never do is shows, be it on TV or Netflix or whatever. Unless it’s something I already have a strong interest in, I just lack the discipline to sit down and watch 12+ hours of story, even in intervals. Speaking of discipline, I studied three and a half years of communication sciences and later a year and a half of translation until I realized college and me don’t mix well.

I’m in my late 20s and was born and raised in sunny Buenos Aires, Argentina, where I still live. And... that’s about all I can think of for this post. But my ask box is always open in case there’s anything else you’d like to know. Except my real name. Although you can find it (well, some of it) in one of the links in this very post.

Rounding things up, I’d like to thank everyone who’s been there to like, reblog, comment, correct, ask, chat, message and read my stuff. I mostly use this blog to get stuff out of my brain that would otherwise bounce around in my skull endlessly, but I’m incredibly grateful to everyone who takes the time to delve into it, and exceedingly happy to learn that some of you find it interesting or insightful or just plain enjoyable. It might not seem like it, but you all help me a lot. And I hope I can help you all in turn in some way, big or small.

Here’s to post 20,000. And here’s hoping the next 20,000 are even better.

[helmes-deep]

All good things must come to an end...

So the news finally came out yesterday. Can’t say it was totally unexpected: all good things must come to an end; all things must be expected to die someday. Jinyoung’s leaving seemed obvious to me, though Baro’s departure is certainly more surprising (and curious). That being said, I still feel slightly... off. Like the quick, sharp pain of ripping off the band-aid has finally come to pass, yet the mended wound is still clearly there, and I know it won’t feel quite the same as it did before. A part of me feels a little emptier, still misplaced... I still can’t picture B1A4 as 3 members (they’ll always be 5 to me, but y’all know what I mean :p): reading the news yesterday, it still all just doesn’t compute, haha.

Granted, I haven’t really been as excited about B1A4 as I have been since pre-Sweet Girl era (those of you who know me probably know that I haven’t really liked anything they’ve done since their magnum opus SOLO DAY :P). This might sound appalling, even abhorrent, to some, but upon hearing the news of B1A4 re-negotiating—and then extending—their contracts, I had much rather preferred that they disband altogether instead of staying as a fragmented group (I just hate imperfect, “unhappy” endings :///). As far as I was concerned, it was time to end it: B1A4′s fame, while not entirely extinct, was pretty much over, and their prime had come and gone (with or without the help of WM’s terrible management post-Sweet Girl era 🙄). Despite my declining level of interest with B1A4 within the past few years, however, not once did I ever not consider them to be my ultimate bias group. No matter what happened, I’d always come back to them. There’s just something so special about this group of “country-dol” boys—something so sweet, charming, endearing, precious, and truly amazing that I couldn’t quite find anywhere else—that I couldn’t ever bear to fully part with, no matter what other groups I got into or was later interested in. After Super Junior, B1A4 was the second K-pop group I really got into; they are also the first (and probably the last) group that I seriously, seriously got into. They’re such a group of talented, sweet, loving, and amazing people, and I honestly can’t think of my ultimate bias group ever changing. B1A4 have always been my number one and always will be, no matter what happens. They will always hold a very, very special place in my heart 💖🌱✨

I’ve never viewed a K-pop group’s 7-year run as their “7-year curse.” To me, it’s always made sense that a group lives on to be about 7 years old or so, before having to part ways or face some significant changes. Nothing lasts forever; nothing can live for eternity. Even when B1A4 debuted all the way back in 2011, when we were all perhaps too young or naive to realize it, one thing was for certain—their debut also signified their death, their inevitable end: the group to disband, the members’ needs to move on to bigger, better, and different things. So, rather than dwelling on B1A4′s “end” (which is only natural; I’m absolutely not saying that we should ignore, suppress, or dismiss such feelings), I’d rather focus on what they did accomplish within their magnificent 7-year run:

B1A4 literally built their company WM Entertainment from the ground up. They established not only their own presence and WM’s within the K-pop industry, but also helped to open the door for their juniors, such as Oh My Girl and ONF. And you cannot tell me that this didn’t have some effect, no matter how small, in helping K-pop lovers and wider audiences realize the value of, and also pay attention to, K-pop groups that come from smaller, less recognized/not-“Big 3”-companies. Being able to establish yourself within a highly competitive industry, as well as establish and solidify your company’s bearings, is no small task, yet B1A4 have been able to do this while still staying humble, grateful, respectful, considerate, and (mostly) staying out of trouble :p

B1A4 has blessed us with some GREAT music. Seriously, a lot of their songs have brought so much happiness and joy into my life (even though I know I probably sometimes complain about their musical direction a lot post-Sweet Girl era :pp). And it is clear that I’m not the only one whom they have positively affected through their music. Looking over y’all’s posts and reading y’all’s comments, it is clear that B1A4 was able to offer so many people such great joy, happiness, and hope through their music. And that, to be quite honest, is really AMAZING. Despite, I’m sure, of the boys being aware of how much time they had to accomplish what they needed—and wanted—to accomplish, I’m sure it’s a comfort to them knowing that their music and live performances have had a positive impact on so many individuals.

Seriously, they accomplished a lot. A notable, long discography filled with many solid, quality releases is just one of them. Even outside of B1A4, these five precious boys have done so much. Jinyoung has become a very respected and well-known composer and producer. Sandeul's been (generally) recognized as a vocal powerhouse. CNU’s gained recognition as a musical actor and singer. Baro’s also a noted actor, and Gongchan’s known for... well, doing his own thing, LEOL!! Each of these boys has accomplished so much during these past 7 years—you just can’t tell me that it should all be considered a “curse.” They’ve each come so far, and I am so freaking proud of them :’3

I hope that each of the boys’ decisions was the one they truly wanted. I wish all the best for Jinyoung, Baro, CNU, Sandeul, and Gongchan moving forward. There are still a lot of questions up in the air, especially in regard to Jinyoung’s and Baro’s futures and how B1A4 will be executed within the upcoming days, but overall, I hope it ends well for each of them. I’m happy there doesn’t seem to be any conflict between the members and that things ended amicably between them (and WM). And I hope, despite them being separated, that every now and then, they’ll pop up in each other’s radar (one can dream, ALRIGHT?!?!?!? xD). Their “death” or “ending” or “disbandment,” whatever you want to call it, could have ended in many other, and potentially much more nasty or disastrous, ways. In a sense, I’m glad it’s ended the way that it has. Things can’t stay the same forever; people have to, and will, change. That being said, I think there’s still a lot of positive stuff to look forward to. While this might be the “end” of B1A4, I don’t think it’s necessarily the end for each of the members. Jinyoung, I’m fairly sure, is still going to be heavily involved within the K-pop/entertainment industry. I’m not so sure about Baro, but I don’t think we’ve heard the last of him yet. And, of course, we’re sure to hear about CNU, Sandeul, and Gongchan soon since they’ve opted to stay with WM and continue on as B1A4. So it’s not quite over yet; the end hasn’t entirely happened upon us :pp But no matter what lies ahead, I want them to know that I’ll always love them, and I’ll always support them—no matter what happens. Whatever they decide to do or wherever they wish to go next—I’ll be right there with them. All I want to see is for them to fly high and to reach their dreams~ 🌱

[whx-m]

sometimes theres an awkward beat in a conversation when i reference the few years of my life when i was homeless. sometimes its just bc ppl are surprised, or they ever expected someone like me to have been “like that” (aka their perception of a homeless person) but other times i get the impression that im not supposed to talk about it, that its a crude TMI topic.. like im totally shameless for it, it’s not something you’re supposed to admit. its something to lock away and throw away with the past, “move on” and forget.

honestly? im not ashamed at all. i’m truly not, i have no shame in my heart for being on the street and treated like scum. i didn’t allow myself to feel ashamed then when they spit at ground in front of me, i won’t allow anyone to shame me now. i had my moments of feeling totally worthless to the ones i loved and i had my spirals into depression for my situation, but not once would i let anyone make me feel like i was less than human. the beautiful people i met only cemented that in my soul- we were a pure force of energy, human beings pushing their will to live and experience life to the limit of what’s possible. i would never be ashamed of them, or myself by extension.

sometimes people make me feel like im too aggressive about my beliefs- my family likes to think of me as endearingly stubborn and headstrong about my opinions. i’ve had plenty of arguments with my conservative older siblings about gender, military/police brutality, social issues. its hard to make friends, its hard to open up to people- sometimes i feel like my presence is almost threatening to some, or maybe arrogantly direct. people shy away from me. i look people in the eye without any doubts behind mine that i know who i am and what i stand for. i think people take that kind of vibration differently... some are drawn to it and some are repelled. 

but there’s this loneliness almost, that elevates everything that happened to me beyond shame. it’s the only time in my life i’ve known many, many others who struggled with that soul-crushing depth of will and claimed their lives for their own. waking up and thinking, how will i survive today? where should i point my feet and walk? and over and over, every moment of the day, every conversation or eye contact, who can i trust? who can i trust? who can i trust? what do they want from me? who are you? constantly measuring and analyzing risks. setting a goal can save your life, hesitation and being idle or passive could kill you.

i’ve never met so many clear, innocent eyes. i’ve never seen such pure kindness in other human beings. people who spread their arms and welcomed me into their world, the one they pieced together with what they could achieve. we all ate, we all survived together again and again, different groups, different towns. people come and going in the process, either to be fed and comforted with love or people returning with even more excess and blessings to share. have you eaten? where are you sleeping tonight? do you know where to go for this? do you know where the nearest bathroom is? do you have anything to trade? here, i know you needed a good pack because your overloaded jansport backpack is killing your back. i traded a map i didn’t need for this old military metal frame pack, take it. it’s not the best, you’ll have to sew this spot up with dental floss, but it’s a start. nah i don’t need anything for it, just kick it down to someone who needs it when you get a better one. have you eaten? it’s going to rain soon, do you have a tarp? hey there’s a feed at the chruch today, do you need directions?

one time, i bought a bunch of hot dogs and bratwurst with my food stamps and took them to the park where everyone else would pass through in the morning and afternoon, usually for the public bathrooms. i started a fire and we cooked them up on the park grills, more people showed up and started sharing their food. a pregnant mom shows up and was so happy to be getting some meat, i cooked up the last of the brats for her and took a walk to the middle of the giant field of grass to sit and get some sun. a little while later she padded out to me with bare feet and sat next to me, telling me how badly she needed some meat and how grateful she was i had shown up to share some, it was just what she needed. i told her that made me happy, im so glad we crossed paths when i had something to give. she handed me a bright turquoise piece of calcite, a mix of blue and green calcite. i’ve never seen such a beautiful color, and i’ve never seen calcite just the same shade no matter how many mineral shows i attend. it was breathtaking in the sun, ill never forget it. she said i couldnt refuse it, to her its a token of friendship. even though we didnt exchange names and i’d never seen her before, or since- she just gave me the stone and told me she hoped it would bring me blessings and left. but it was such a pure gesture, neither of us felt shame in needing food or receiving a beautiful gift. i still treasure this stone.

and thats just a moment in a cascade of kindness and human moments- people who wanted nothing but to build each other and themselves up. we’ll survive this! don’t lose yourself, be smart, be wise about slipping into the comfort of drowning your life out with the vices you can attain. stay alert, stay alive. stay laughing and smiling, show them all how human you still are. look into your heart for what you know you can do, what you can still give. the will it takes to show people love when the entire world wants you out of their sight. these people taught me so much and did so much for each other, an almost overwhelmingly genuine compassion. 

i’ll die before i feel a drop of shame for being a part of and witnessing that, that was the closest i ever felt to god. like being on the front lines of a spiritual war- like meeting angels and demons and living among them with nothing but my human will to protect me. being ashamed of that is a joke, what i’m ashamed of is how i now feel like a fat king of my castle, sitting around sort of bored and directionless, isolated and insulated from the war that’s only raging harder outside. trying to spend all this time and energy figuring myself and my life out- time spent on art, stories, fantasies, trying to generate some meaning to my life now. put that tested will to work with what resources i have. but it’s just not as effortless, that will doesn’t flood out of me anymore. how could i be so brave and bright then but so paralyzed and dull now? what’s a shame is that i did more for the world with nothing but my life on my back. it’s hard to feel like i didn’t just spiritually peak early, like my magnum opus already happened privately and now nothing i create will ever be able to compare. maybe to others, but never to me.

[iamasphodelknox]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017. 

I was tagged by @haloeverlasting

1. List of works published this year:

Hot damn, here we go. This list includes fanfic and other things... 

Fanfic

Sounds Happy to Me

Guinevere the Ginger Squirrel

Where We Are

Give Up the Fight

A Glimmer of Light Flickers In

Insatiable Desire

Moments Make Great Love

The Art of the Giants

My Heart Lies With You

Finding Us in Our Atmosphere

Gem and the Hunters: The Treasure of Babylon

Put Some Records On

Define Dancing

Original Work

The Leila Chronicles (a novel in three parts that started out as two short stories and ended up surprising me by becoming a novel in the last three days of NaNoWriMo... I’ll be self-publishing it soon!)

Blog Work

The Lexicon Writing Blog (I write about writing, productivity, prompts, and inspiration... 59 posts this year!)

Two ebooks on POV and finding time to write which you can get for free by signing up for my email list here.

Why I Refuse to Be Afraid (my reflections and thoughts after the Inauguration)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

I’m proud of so much of what I wrote this year, but most of all I’m proud of two in particular: The Leila Chronicles and Define Dancing. Both started out completely differently from how they ended up and both of them feature my strongest writing, the strongest world building, and my best efforts. 

I’m insanely proud of The Leila Chronicles because it’s a culmination of everything I’ve done all year... the writing, the stressing, the planning, the panicking. Everything I’ve learned shows up in this incredible story that took me by surprise and ran with me to places I’d never anticipated going. 

I’m proud of Define Dancing because I never in a million years would think I could write a magical realism but I did. And I think I did it rather well... I was able to paint probably my absolute favorite relationship in a way that really resonated with me. I’m immensely proud because this story stretched me and challenged me and had me asking hard questions about my writing. It showed me I already had the answers to all of them.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Most of my earlier works but Insatiable Desire sort of... left something to be desired, in my opinion. It’s a fun story but not my best writing or my best storytelling. But it was an important part of building up to writing my first smut scene so I’ll take it as a learning experience.  

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

“Louis, it’s in the high 30’s!” Harry said, following Louis as he marched back and forth across the ridge, marking out potential places he wanted to dig first, his purposeful step followed by Harry’s more clumsy lumber. “Someone will get heatstroke and die, and I thought we’d agreed that we’re all going back to London in one piece!”

“I don’t think dying of heatstroke will cut me into a few pieces, Harry!” Louis cried, sporting a ridiculous pout that had Liam, Gemma, and Niall all snickering. 

“This is my life’s work! My magnum opus! My greatest accomplishment! I can only go down from here.”

“Louis, you’re only thirty.” Harry deadpanned. Niall laughed out loud.

“Exactly!” Louis threw his hands in the air. “I’m practically an old man!” He was grinning and eventually, Harry started laughing, his wide grin forcing his dimples to show so much that Louis paused his pacing to grin at him.

- Gem and the Hunters: The Treasure of Babylon

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

Oh there’s no way I could pick just one... but one of my favorites came from my friend @haloeverlasting:

I know I've told you over and over and over again that i love this fic but i just needed it immortalized right here.

I LOVE THIS STORY. i love how you put your characters first, and you honor their stories and don't rush them into things it isn't the time for. ;) I love how much the history is a part of the story, and how much your characters love it. it makes me love it too. i love all of them as individuals and together. and really i just love everything about this wonderful story you've created, where past failures don't define you, and it's never too late to find new love in your life.

ugh. i love you. <3

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Oh man... writing is always a composite of hard things but the hardest thing I’ve had to write this year was a scene in The Leila Chronicles where two characters have a very intense discussion about how their actions influenced so much more than either of them expected. It was exhausting and hard and left me feeling like I’d run a marathon and experienced emotional trauma all in one day. But I’m also incredibly proud of that scene so it was worth it. 

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Literally, every single story I wrote this year (and my husband can attest to this) started with me pacing back and forth in my apartment saying “I’ve never written anything like this before. I don’t know if I can.” But every single story, I did and I could.

I never thought I’d do a retelling of the Hades/Persephone myth. It’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever written though.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

This is an extension of the previous question. I never would have guessed that by the end of one year I would have written a mythology retelling, a magical realism story, three fairytale retellings, an abo fic, two sex scenes, a whole novel, an Indiana Jones-style mystery, or a story about my hometown, Seattle. I learned that I can write a variety of things, and I learned that I can surprise myself with what I’m really capable of. 

I also started this year with a completely different set of goals and resolutions, almost none of which actually came to pass. But I spent the entire year writing stories I loved, stories that impacted people on spiritual and emotional levels, making writing friends, and learning millions of new things about my writing. I never could have written the Leila Chronicles a year ago... the journey was worth it.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I just want to keep getting better. I have the Gem sequels coming up (I’ve never written a series so I guess that’ll be something for 2018), I have a few new aus and crossovers, a Harry Potter retelling that I’m very excited for, and a few personal projects that I’m keen to start. I’m just hopeful that I’ll keep writing, keep learning, and keep seeing every story as a stepping stone to making me a better writer. I’d also like to publish The Leila Chronicles and a nonfan version of Gem and the Hunters.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

At the beginning of the year, I had no writer friends to speak of. Now, at the end of the year, I’m friends with some of my favorite writers and get to gush every day about different projects. 

@hlficpraise - My darling Viv, I would be completely lost without you. You’ve been the best beta a girl could ask for and a wonderful, encouraging friend. You read everything I write, you know grammar inside and out, and you are always there with a listening ear and a timely joke. 

@indiaalphawhiskey - My twin soul. If I wasn’t for you Indy, I never would have met the people I know now. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have signed up for challenges, tried new things, taken so many risks, or put myself out there. Your constant encouragement is priceless. 

@haloeverlasting - Sunshine, I wouldn’t be the writer I am without you. You encourage me, challenge me, inspire me, and urge me to write the hard things, tell the hard stories, and are always there when I panic or freak out. Your feedback and listening ear are so important to me. And I love that we gush about writing and reading. :)

Additionally, for their encouragement, excitement, and exuberance:

@theficwritersblock @suddenclarityharry @hrrytomlinson @briannamarguerite

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

I leave little pieces of my soul in every story I write. @hlficpraise pointed out my main themes in all of my stories a few months ago and they ring true of my personal life as well: redemption, equality in relationships, second chances, hope.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

You don’t have to write in a vacuum! Friends will help you immeasurably. 

You already have everything you need. All you need to do is get your ass in your chair and just fucking do it.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I’ve got the Gem sequels that I can’t even wait to share with you all. I have  Harry Potter retelling that is probably going to be bigger than I’m anticipating but still an incredible ride. And I’ve got a Dunkirk au coming up... I’m so in love with it, I can’t even tell you. 

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read.

@indiaalphawhiskey @suddenclarityharry @theficwritersblock