#i tell her that before thursday i won't be able to move my things because my parents took the car on their vacation

[drysauce]

head in hands. i spent half of the day cleaning the flat and only like 2h ago sat down to rest but my roommate just came home and announced that i need to get up and help her pack all the stuff RIGHT NOW because she originally wanted to do it tomorrow morning but since im going out for a while it has to be NOW 🧍

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #293

I seem to be doing a lot better today. I wasn't in a whole lot of pain when I fell asleep last night, and I think that really helped. I was slightly miserable when I woke in the morning, though. But it was relatively easily remedied by the application of ibuprofen to my bloodstream.

Today, my friend BB picked me up from my house to go with her soon-to-be-husband N to the Town Clerk to get and sign the papers needed by the officiant on the day of the wedding. They thought they needed me there as a witness; as it turned out, I was unnecessary. But I was really glad to be along to watch them sign it anyways!

I've known BB and N for a long time; they're some of my favorite people. They've been together for 15 years now; their relationship is healthy and stable. It's beautiful to see all the little steps involved with them making the promise to remain together in this lifetime. There's something really special about getting to see all the various ways their lives are developing. I'm not really sure how to explain.

We went to lunch. I still gotta eat soft foods, so I got some butternut squash ravioli! BB got some cheese ravioli. And N got macaroni and cheese:

...I wonder if you'd like these. I've heard that all of your favorite foods are pasta. I wonder if these count. Do you like ravioli, Sephiroth? And if you do, what do you like it to be filled with? I wonder...

When I came home, I discovered that a trip we were supposed to make on Thursday got moved to Saturday instead. M's maternal grandmother died recently, and we will attend the funeral. Interestingly, despite knowing that his parents despise J and I (simply for being polyamorous and therefore "not normal"), M has asked both J and I to go with him.

...I'm proud of M for this. An old version of him would have caved into social expectations and pretended to be someone he's not for the sake of keeping the peace. He's grown into someone who does not do that. He's grown into someone who would rather face arbitrary social repercussions and rejection than deny that J is someone he considers family. I think that's amazing and remarkable.

Both of my husbands are very strong, brave, amazing, and capable people, and I feel really lucky that I get to be this close to them. I feel really lucky that I get to be part of their lives, that I get to watch them grow, change, and be alive.

I'm lucky that despite everything that came before, I held on long enough to be here, now. The "now" certainly does have its challenges and difficulties, but... I still think it's beautiful. I get to be here and I get to live and witness good, kind, wholesome, and loving things. Thanks for that. Thanks for making this possible. Thanks for all the ways I've grown and changed as a result of your influence, during a time when I had very little else to look towards.

In any case, the funeral being on Saturday means that I had to go immediately and tell my manager at the bakery that I will not be available. When I got there... I discovered, with some sadness, that Mi, my current manager, is transferring to a different store for the foreseeable future. A new lady is taking his place. I met her today. And so far, she seems really nice. I let her know that I wouldn't be able to come in on Saturday, so she scheduled me for a different day of the week - for this week coming, and for next week's Saturday; BB's wedding is on that day, after all!

I'm sad that I probably won't work with or even see Mi again. I'm sad that he didn't think to tell me that this change would be taking place. There's a silly, irrational part of my brain that's worried that he hated working with me so much that he transferred to an entirely different store just to get away from me, but... that's silly. It's a silly thought, borne from trauma memories and a long history of being ostracized and rejected by various different people in various times, places, settings, etc.

It's just an anxious thought, and just because we have a thought, it doesn't necessarily mean that the thought is true. Sometimes, our thoughts are just noise that our brain puts out on reflex in response to certain stimuli. Thanks to my childhood, when people leave my life unexpectedly, my reflex thought is that it's my fault, somehow; I've uh... had a lot of lies fed to me by people who didn't have my best interests at heart, and it's those lies that lead to thoughts like that.

Fortunately, I know how to resist lies like these. Do you? Here, I'll show you one way it can be done:

...Our thoughts are just that - thoughts. We don't have to fall apart from them. Mindfulness and grounding ourselves in the present are both excellent tools to help us stay focused, even when our minds are swirling with doubt and worry. Our thoughts can't hurt us by themselves; it's only when we decide that they mean something fundamental about our character, or when we act rashly in response to them that we have the potential to harm ourselves or others in response to those thoughts.

We can always collect ourselves and make a different choice rather than succumbing to instinct and reflex. Sing a little song and give it a try, won't you?

Today was M's birthday. So after we got my work schedule figured out, M, J, and I went to go see a movie called Look Back. It's based on a short manga; M has read it, but J and I have not. I thought it was very poignant; a stark reminder that we can, at any time, unexpectedly lose people who are close to us, from illness, accident, or an act of maliciousness on the part of someone else.

Both your world and mine are filled with senseless violence and suffering. So, Sephiroth... I need you to do me a small favor, okay? I need you to make sure you remind the people you care for that they matter to you. Tell them you love them - regularly, and sincerely. Tell them all your favorite things about them. Watch carefully all the ways they grow, change, and live. Relish in the sound of their voices and the brightness of their smiles. Memorize their stories. Be mindful of what they like and dislike. Try to look at their memories through their eyes.

I'm gonna keep doing that with you and with all the people I love, because all it takes to combat the darkness is one small candle. I can be that candle. I can refuse to be snuffed out. And I, with my tiny flame, can go around and light other candles.

Sephiroth... continue to be a candle, okay? Especially for the people you love most. It's very important.

Well. It's getting late. I guess that's it for today.

I love you. You're important, and you matter to me. So please, please, please stay safe out there while you do whatever over at the Edge of Creation. Make kind, good, and loving choices. I'm always over here rooting for you to heal and to thrive and to rise up into truly living.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine+

[museum-spaces]

oh gang I have been over doing it lately.

Here's a list of everything I did since last Sunday [6 August 2023]

Sunday; get up, get shower, eat food, convince myself to go to Vancouver Pride. It's about an hour away via public transit. Met up with a new 'friend' [thank you grindr, just friends thanks gang] and went in. watched for 3 hours, then walked through the festival for a few hours. Get home before dark, but couldn't tell you when.

Monday; stat holiday, walk Ianto, sleep, walk Ianto, sleep

Tuesday; Walk Ianto at 6ish, back to work; work all day on projects and staff needs, at 4 have a 1 hour meeting with 3 other people, at 5 have a 1 hour meeting with the Boss Man, take Ianto to dog park, get home after 8pm

Wednesday; walk Ianto at 6ish, very similar to Tuesday with added 'oh shit one of our staff won't be available for 5 days he's supposed to work leaving it up to me, and one other staff because the other two staff have vacation time and won't be in Canada' stress. Take Ianto to the dog park, get home between 7 and 8.

Thursday;walk Ianto at 6ish, just me and my Second for most of the day at the museum, lots of uping and downing of stairs to take care of things.

Friday; walk Ianto at 6ish, get to work, work for 2 hours, get lift to Museum of Vancouver for professional development, be told lunch would happen there so I didn't bring anything... lunch does not happen. Learn about native plants, new methods of display, and some other very cool things. Get back to the Museum at 4, eat a frozen muffin, work for an hour before taking Ianto to the dog park, get home between 7 and 8pm.

Saturday; get up late, walk Ianto from about 7-8;30/9. get breakfast and plan on starting laundry. Fall asleep until 4;30 instead. wake up feeling SO ILL but Ianto needs to go outside. Decide to take my cane for the first time since moving. forget to bring my cane. find a stick that is about 2 inches too short. walk Ianto to a dog park [not our usual]. get asked if I am about to pass out by one of the humans there. wave her off and lean heavy on my stick. eventually sit my ass down on the ground. go home and sleep.

Sunday; get up and walk Ianto at 6ish. get home and realize I'm going to fall asleep again. Set my alarm because I need groceries and to do laundry. wake up and crawl back out of bed shortly after noon. sit on my couch and lose it because I know I will not be able to go shopping. Break down and order grocery delivery. Crawl into the shower and scrub off. have a nap. take Ianto out again. Get home at about 8, think about ordering delivery dinner. fall asleep instead.

Monday; wake up to the delivery app still open on my phone. walk Ianto, go to work, spend a few hours in the front of house, then a few hours in my office, then a few hours working with the treasurer.. yay training. take Ianto to the dog park but it's too hot for him to play, so go to the water instead. get home at about 6;30, before I let myself sit down I started my laundry, ordered dinner in, and hopped in the shower. By the time I got out of the shower dinner was ready [yay]. then grocery delivery got here. now siting on my couch zoning out.

I am so tired yo. I did not leave out any showers or other chores. I have not done dishes. I have not swept. Not brushed or trained with Ianto.

Just work and sleep and 2 outings.

The next 2 weeks are going to be a nightmare because of staffing fuckery. fuck fuck fuck.

I need to remember I am actually disabled and although I have much more energy than I did before, I also have much longer working hours/requirements.

I think part of the hard part is that I genuinely enjoy the work. And the activities. After the first 3 hours at pride I knew I'd struggle on monday but I was having such a euphoric time that I couldn't leave. Like, at Camel Town I was always a little bit annoyed by the situation. At the hotel I was just there to pay rent... and I failed at that. But I really really like this place, gang.

[1cky-boi]

TW: Topics Of Suicide

The Week After I Killed Myself.

Monday,

I watched as the time ticked slower and slower,

I could feel my pulse in my hands,

Burning edges to a paper that can never be read how it was wrote,

I forgot to leave a letter,

Now my parents are left to wonder where they went wrong.

Tuesday,

The news reached my best friend,

I don't know what he does, but I wish I was there to comfort him.

The news comes on the same,

Police chase,

The weather,

Politics,

And the weather again,

But my parents don't watch.

The faucet in the bathroom drips,

Raising the water bill because I forgot to make sure it was fully off.

My mother would flip it off for me and not say a thing even after it being the fifth time that week,

But now she's trying to remember the way I used to play in the sand,

Before the move,

Before she knew what was happening to me.

When she thought she could still save me.

The school is notified,

But my grades don't weigh me down where I am at now,

I don't have to try so hard to matter anymore.

Wednesday,

The letters in my room are just letters now.

Ones that will only be read maybe once more,

Though it'll never be said how many times it saved a life, I'd hope you knew.

My stuffed animals have not slept in days,

Without a cold body to warm what place do they have in this old house?

The neighbors find out.

Condolences are sent.

Not one has my real name on it.

Thursday,

The funeral I arranged for Saturday,

Because my mom is always off work then.

I do not know who comes, or what is said,

I do not know where or how I was buried,

I was not old enough to pick it for myself,

Knowing my parents I'm probably a diamond, or a tree.

The letters have been found.

They know.

They know I loved you,

And you loved me.

I would have joked about how awkward it'll be when you see my parents again,

But my mom hugs you this time

And says she hasn't seen her baby happy like that in years,

And you both forget where you are for a moment ,

Dream,

Hope a little it's a different situation.

Friday,

My mom is going through my stuff.

My phone first,

She'll find out we were more than friends,

She'll tell my friend I am gone

And she won't know if it's a joke,

But when she sees what I've written

The sinking feeling in her stomach will be all too familiar

After, she'll go to the store,

See the man who always used to ask me how I am,

And break down in front of the produce.

Saturday,

The baby breath is half dead,

The lavender makes the air tense,

There's a mix of regular clothes and formal wear

I would have laughed at anyone who bothered to put on a suit.

I would have said how pretty you looked

My mom compiled home videos and photos from the last year's,

Though there's only a few she thinks are really me,

And they're usually the ones where someone else is with me.

She says the usual:

The "kind"

The "smart"

The "talented"

The "too young for this"

Or maybe she'd say nothing at all.

Ask you if you'd like to say anything and I couldn't hear it.

I always wanted to know what you thought of me.

Sunday,

My room is still how I left it,

The coats on the hanger

And the boots on the outside the closet door.

The books,

Dusty and un-bookmarked,

They'll search for me here,

But none of the words will sound like my voice,

And my mother will keep the video of me.

The video of me as a kid laughing close to her chest.

She wonders where I went when I got older.

How was this grave her baby?

How could I leave her behind after all of the things I said without an apology.

After all that's been done for me,

It was a waste to love me,

That's what somebody would think,

But I won't know for sure.

Whether im in Heaven, Hell, or Nirvana,

I won't come back.

I won't be able to run my hand through your hair,

And I cant feel the warmth of another hand to remind me I'm still here.

I can't hear the music,

I can't hear the screams or the pleas,

I'll be at peace,

But I'll be no more than I am now.

[fifteensjukebox]

Hey hello how about 01, 12, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34 and 55 for the HORRIBLE ask game. This year.

hiiiiiii anon! i haven't gotten an anon in ages this is so exciting <3

also sorry i'm answering so late i explain it in the middle but i had a family outing and i thought mobile would let me edit

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? i do! my mom's my best friend in a way i'm sure is annoying to people who don't, and my dad is annoying but he is the best dad i know

03: Do you regret anything? biiiiiig question. i try not to. i try to tell myself i needed to do things to learn or whatever but i'm always wondering how else things could've gone and second guessing things as i do them

05: What is your relationship status? very much single. if you want to hear about my latest crushes you'll find it in my "vie" and "lore" tags but i'm sure they're not going anywhere so shoot your shot!

08: Played any sports? my dad coached a soccer team i was on when i was 4 but i was more interested in the dandelions on the field… outside of required gym class stuff (which i did not enjoy) i've enjoyed tennis and beach volleyball with my family (18 y/o brother included)

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? i think my record is 36, the last day/night/flight home from seeing my now-ex tumblr gf

well. if anything (back to earlier qs i could say i regret the whole met-online-ldr thing but it was good when it happened and im seeing it work out so well for friends so it could've been worthwhile in the long run!

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? irl i don't entirely hate anyone but i have some strong mixed near-hate feelings about the exes (and one not-yet-ex? i think? they're on the way out) of people i care about, and a certain ex friend of mine (if she makes the next move in reaching out i might be able to find it in myself to forgive but at this point it won't be as easy as it could've been)

21: What are your plans for this weekend? tbd but probably festive family things? extended family christmas dinner is on monday and we'll do our gift exchange that morning (speaking of which i need to get ready rn to leave for our family brunch followed by mall trip to shop for secret santa - my parents+18 y/o brother+i do a mini secret santa - well mini in that there are only 4 names but we have a generous budget bc it's usually our main/only source of gifts amongst ourselves. i got my mom again this year and she made it a little too easy by requesting a specific pair of raybans that make up most of the budget, but i'll get creative with the rest) we're also going to the distillery district for the vibes on thursday and my dad's taking these 2 days off work so collectively it all feels like weekend plans. maybe i'll go skating on the actual weekend! i haven't done it yet this season and i miss it

update here is that i didn't find anything for mom except the raybans so i may be going out alone to shop more on fri/weekend

34: Who/what was your last dream about? damn. the one time i don't write it down. oh! ok the last one i remember was one where a version of my ex bestie and i got back together so to speak but she was being overtly manipulative and i had to decide if i was ok with that? which. thanks subconscious! way to mix her with the bitch i had a crush on in middle school! real ex-bestie would never do that but i think it's created some irrational fear where before i just had sadness that i was mostly over (to briefly recap the situation there, she's depression-ghosted and blocked me before and she did it again earlier this year but it hurt more bc we'd been closer leading up to it than we had before the first time)

55: Are you mean? i think i can be really petty but people take it hard because they think of me as being so nice, so i know of some people who'd say i'm mean

thanks again for asking anon! i hope you're having a wonderful holiday season <3

[bougainvilleae]

on crying / on the santa anas / on joan didion, inadvertently

Thursday, October 12th, 2023.

As I reformat this transcription, I sit in Gate 20 of Terminal 2 of the Oakland International Airport, waiting to board my flight home. It has been delayed by 30 or so minutes. My stomach is mildly upset. I have an AP exam to take tomorrow, which was not a sentence I ever thought I'd have to say after turning eighteen.

The Santa Anas by Joan Didion remains a fixture in the back of my mind, as it has been since I read it in my junior year writing seminar. That was the year that I'd reconnected both to creative writing and to reading - I'd called myself a reader for the long winter between, but mostly for the sake of icebreakers with distant relatives I'd only ever met once or twice. It was the first thing I'd read by Joan Didion and I moved on to The Year of Magical Thinking for the rest of that fall and winter, Play It As It Lays the next summer, Slouching Towards Bethlehem the following winter  - and I found myself emulating her, despite myself, despite my professed hatred for her (or, rather, the way that she wrote about her chosen subject matter), despite the lengthy review I'd written and refined explaining just that.

She has a needling, siren-esque way of cutting to the heart of the matter - a tendency that sometimes veers into Aesop's Fables for White Women, but never mind that - and it's magnetic. It affords her the cool, distant persona - the one that pretends it doesn't care. The one hiding behind the sunglasses. I recognized my emulation only in hindsight, most clearly in the counternarrative I'd written for Ethnic Lit. I don't mean to flatter myself. Didion simply has a way of rationalizing her fears and her feelings to the extremes; it's most evident in The Year of Magical Thinking, of course, but it's present in The Santa Anas, too, and the rest of all of it to varying degrees. I recognize that impulse in that narrative.

Her fame makes sense to me. My English teacher and I and I talked about it sometime last year or the year before, and she'd identified it as a particular class of millennial white women, but I think I diverge in that categorization - or, at least, it's morphed. I associate it most now with niche internet microinfluencers, with cool girls, with women who are on Tiktok or Youtube or Instagram or Spotify in an absorbed, recognizable way but would resent being identified by that fact, with Rayne Fisher-Quann's "Standing on the Shoulders of Complex Female Characters," with the women who idolize RFQ in the precise way that she discourages of Didion and Babitz et. al. in that one oft-reposted excerpt of said essay. That is, women who are prone to projecting themselves onto everything they write; that is, women who over-rationalize what they witness and love or witness hate; that is, the woman I fear becoming and the woman I fear I am and the woman that I hate when I witness her. Don't ask me about it because I won't be able to tell you more. It makes sense that TYOMT was her renaissance catalyst, is all I'm saying. 

But this email wasn't meant to be about that. It is about the Santa Ana winds.

Wednesday, October 4th, 2023.

Today, in Berkeley, it is 15 degrees hotter than it was two days ago; this morning, when I wake up, the air is already tinged with the promise of heat, no fog to be found. By the time I am in the library at 7:45, the trees are trembling with it. I tell Will - outside of his Oceans and my Sociology lecture - that it is wildfire season, early October, brush waiting in vain for a thing that arrives without warning. The Big One - the wildfire that creeps to the foot of your yard, the shudder that can and will make its way down the San Jacinto fault line,the obliterative and inevitable force of the ocean rising the rain falling the heat boiling. When, not if. 

Eighteen is the first of many such collisions, reactions, explosions. I call my parents later, telling them about the gauze of loneliness that has settled over me, about the long nights and longer mornings that I am pulling, blue and hazed. Effusive. I miss real food, I miss real structure, I miss my dad and his hugs and my mom and her hands braiding my hair. I tell them about this and my mother tells me that I need to be making more friends in engineering, paying more attention to my lectures. That I need to be taking care of myself better.

I hang up on her. I've hung up on her a lot lately - it's freeing, even as it scratches my throat going down. My most paralyzing fear is that one day I will call her and I will hang up angry and something will go terribly, terribly wrong, and then the last words I will have said to her would be cruel and irreversible and haunting. When I was younger and in Balabhavan, I could never understand why every asura sought immortality, after thousands of years of penance - not because I knew the answer would invariably be a no but because I couldn't imagine what I'd do if the answer was yes. Because I cannot imagine not wanting the chance to turn to God. Because I cannot imagine the inability to turn to kith and kin. 

This is the same story, you see. I miss my mom more than ever. Nothing in the world could make me go back.

After I call her, I open the curtains that had been shut all day to keep the heat out. It is a wildfire sunset, clear and red - I look to the bay and the view out was clearer than it had been in weeks. I call Jackson and cry. I hang up on Jackson and cry and walk to the foot of the clock tower and cry and look out down the hill to the bay and cry and cry and cry. At 7 PM everyone has somewhere to be: home, class, a club meeting, a dining hall. I feel untethered and drifting and aimless, outside and flip-flopped and bagless for the first time in weeks.

Friday, October 13th, 2023. 

I don't think I am a very big crier. I have cried three times since I came to Berkeley. The first, when my mother left - in the basement parking lot of the First Presbyterian Church of Berkeley, clutching her arms over the center console of the rental car. The WhatsApp call to my father did not go through until we parked again, aboveground. I cried and scrubbed my eyes until my contacts fell out; when my mother drove off, I crashed into a security guard that I could not see past my tears and my astigmatism. She asked me if I was OK in the kindest voice and I remember feeling shame, in that instant, and then tripping my way up the stairs in my urge to get away. 

I cried outside Mac and Bowie's dorm, the next time. I didn't see it coming, then. I still don't know what it was about - a weird mixture of social inadequacy and loneliness and overstimulation. A fear of insufficiency. Any of Bowie or Mac or Jackson could tell you more about that than I can, I think. I just remember feeling exposed, crying in the hallway - afforded neither the privacy of a room nor the tendency to turn a blind eye that comes with crying in public. 

There is no good place to argue with your parents on the phone, by the way - where do you go? Your room, with your roommates? The hallway? The stairwell, where all eight floors of Priestley can hear you, or the courtyard, where all four buildings in Unit 3 can? It's easier to hang up. I did not cry during Parent's Weekend, though I came close. It was too hot to cry, and I couldn't afford it. I saw some of your parents and didn't say hello - sorry - it was a terrible mixture of jealousy and homesickness and heat exhaustion. Hello, belatedly.

And then the third - above. I hate crying around other people but it is perhaps more embarrassing to cry alone. How do you seek comfort, then? I cried earlier today. Can you treat me like heirloom china, please, can you treat me like an archivist would treat a book, can you treat me like an archaeologist would treat their pottery? Can you treat me like I deserve to be saved? Can you treat me like the future cares? Like, what? 

[janeeyreheresy]

A Happy Ending or An Unreliable Narrator?

Was the ending truly a happy one--or is Jane lying to us?

Let's take a look: Jane Eyre ("I am no bird no net ensnares me") married her much older former master, who, due to his limited use of limbs and visual impairment, requires care. We know there's no hired carer, because Jane explicitly says she was the one who looked after him (hence why she had to send Adele to school) and also, as I noted in my recap post, it's not likely they'd be able to hire anyone. They've got no room for a live-in staff and a live-out one won't be able to make their daily way to Ferndean, which is located away from habitable civilisation.

Ferndean Manor, we are told, is not in a good state. We are told that Rochester didn't move Bertha there because the damp walls would eventually result in her death. This is the house where the Rochesters now live. Jane, however, tells us nothing about any repairs being done. Neither does she mention any decorating, purchasing furniture, wallpaper, carpets, curtains, pictures on the walls--zilch. She got a lot of pleasure out of cleaning Moor House in time for Christmas (shortly after she discovered she and the Riverses were cousins). Just look at this:

“My first aim will be to clean down (do you comprehend the full force of the expression?)—to clean down Moor House from chamber to cellar; my next to rub it up with bees-wax, oil, and an indefinite number of cloths, till it glitters again; my third, to arrange every chair, table, bed, carpet, with mathematical precision; afterwards I shall go near to ruin you in coals and peat to keep up good fires in every room; and lastly, the two days preceding that on which your sisters are expected will be devoted by Hannah and me to such a beating of eggs, sorting of currants, grating of spices, compounding of Christmas cakes, chopping up of materials for mince-pies, and solemnising of other culinary rites, as words can convey but an inadequate notion of to the uninitiated like you. My purpose, in short, is to have all things in an absolutely perfect state of readiness for Diana and Mary before next Thursday; and my ambition is to give them a beau-ideal of a welcome when they come.”

This one paragraph contains more home cosiness than the entire last chapter. The "I have now been married ten years" paragraph may be very poetic, but it tells us nothing. She was his eyes, then he regained some sight, so he can pretty much move about by himself. She says they visit Diana and Mary, but that's all. Nothing else about how they spend their time, the long summer days or the long winter nights.

And then, that "when his first-born was put into his arms" line. Even Katniss Everdeen isn't this cold about her kids, and she didn't want any. She only had them because Peeta talked her into it. There's nothing in the book that would indicate whether Jane wanted children, but neither is there anything that would indicate she didn't want them. Presumably she did, married life would have meant kids (unless, idk, they lived sexlessly, or there was birth control). She only mentions how Rochester felt about the kid ("On that occasion, he again, with a full heart, acknowledged that God had tempered judgment with mercy."), not her. It's baffling.

Lastly, the final words are dedicated to St John. Why? She receives his letter from India, in which he tells her he feels death coming. She gets tears in her eyes. Does she wish she married him instead?

Of course, that would not have been a better option than marrying Rochester in any way, but she may have thought the grass was greener in St John-landia.

So to sum it up, there's certainly an argument against it being a happy ending. Take it any way you wish.

Personally I don't care. I actually think she was, indeed, happy. I may not see caring for a spouse in a dump like Ferndean in Bumfuck Nowhere a happy ending, but that's me. Jane, however, does. This is a woman with a very limited worldview, who has never been anywhere and not met many people, who fell in love with the first man who crossed her path, who at barely twenty years old believes nobody will ever love her the way the Roch did. She doesn't think that she deserves anything better than what she got. So yeah, she was happy.

But like I said, I don't care. What I do care about is that Bertha was happy after her escape and divorce from Rochester.

[raincamp]

7 - 26 - 23

my mind won't shut the fuck up

its been DAYS and the only thing I've been able to think about is therapy. and my therapeutic relationship and how much im fucking it up and my fear of being terminated.

i can't fucking lose her. im so dependent on her right now and even the thought of having to wait an extra few days for another session makes me feel like I can't breathe.

this is making me realize i CANNOT for the life of me handle other people setting boundaries. and coming to that realization is causing me so, so much guilt and shame. i know how important boundaries are, i know they keep relationships stable, i know their entire purpose is to ensure comfort and self respect and security.

but for some reason my dumb ass BPD brain thinks that it means they don't like me and that i did something wrong and if i make one wrong move they're going to leave before i even have a chance to apologize. and for some OTHER reason that i can't explain, that causes me to rage at them so that they DO actually leave me.

seems counterintuitive but i dont know im not a professional

i've been ruminating today, there's one incident that i keep fearing is going to play out. and there's several ways it could end and none of them are good, and i've been having to obsessively research DBT termination protocol just to reassure myself. and even then i keep telling myself that maybe she won't follow it and she'll just drop me and i'll have nowhere to go.

and its so funny, because despite all of this fear of abandonment, i am still being willful towards pursuing supplementary addiction treatment. i know how it's going to end, i know how she's going to respond, and i know that its going to hurt me either way. so why am i still feeling like this?

maybe its some way of taking back control of the situation and trying to get back at her for hurting me?

i keep imagining, thursday comes around, and she texts me asking if i've set up an intake appointment, and i say "no" because i haven't, and i don't want to, and maybe (if my hypothesis is correct) i want to show her how much its hurting me.

and then she responds "that's unfortunate, we're going to have to reschedule our appointment then as per the boundary we discussed. is Monday okay for you?" and ofc that triggers me so i respond "no, please don't do this to me. i can't deal with it. it hurts so much."

i expect she would then direct me to use a distress tolerance skill, and that ofc would piss me off and, idk, in this imaginative scenario, sending her a message telling her to Fuck Off would be SO satisfying.

especially considering how angry i am in this moment and have been this whole week.

its from this point forward that i have no idea how she would respond. i dont think she would be very validating, so any response i would get would be painful as fuck. maybe she just wouldn't respond. maybe she would tell me that she is disengaging and to text her when i've calmed myself down using whatever distress tolerance she suggested for me. maybe she would remind me why she set the boundary that she did.

my biggest fear is that she would decide that my reaction was inappropriate and decide to abandon me after our next session.

i'm hoping this doesn't happen, that i'm able to stop myself, especially since right now i have the insight to predict how i might react, how i want to react. but i can't know, when my emotions get too intense i lose all control of my actions, and any urges that i have come out full force.

its been 5 days since my last appointment and i miss her so much.

pathetic

- andrew

[jupiter235]

A summary under the cut (it might get long:)

So on the work week thing our week goes from Friday to Thursday. The previous week I had been off Friday, had worked Saturday, then had Sunday off, then worked Monday to Thursday. I ended up catching about two hours of overtime that they honestly can't afford to pay me right now because of budget reasons and hadn't realized it until after I left Thursday.

Cue the current week. I was already tired (I'll get to why in a minute) and then this past Friday I wound up clocking nearly eleven hours in one day. Then I got over nine hours yesterday and nine and a half today. That puts me at twenty nine hours and 38 minutes, officially. I still need to tell my boss, because at this rate I might end up having to leave after a couple of hours on either Wednesday or Thursday--I'm off until then--and won't be able to stay long enough to accomplish anything.

Now, as for why I'm so fucking exhausted I want to scream and then sleep for a week:

SO

MANY

KITTENS

And a shit ton of adult cats and dogs, too, but FUCKS SAKE WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY FINDING ALL THESE FUCKING KITTENS???? The majority of the animals we took in last week alone were kittens.

I need to remember we were fortunate that a lot of people wanted to help us out by fostering some of them. It's good for the kittens because an animal shelter really isn't the place for them- they're too prone to diseases that adult animals can bring in with them.

Then there was the drama on top of it. Now, I do my best to avoid workplace drama in general because I'm there to work, not to pick fights with my co-workers over stupid bullshit. So you can imagine how deeply irritating it gets for me when the drama ends up falling into my purview and directly affecting me.

This came in the form of one specific co-worker--I've mentioned him before, he would rather sit around watching YouTube videos on his phone and it's damn near impossible to get him to help out anywhere other than the main cat building--thinking that in all of the chaos of all the incoming animals we were swamped with that instead of actually doing his job, he could just keep right on sitting around watching YouTube videos on his phone.

And it may very well have gotten him fired already and he doesn't even realize it yet. Wednesday afternoon, he was supposed to be helping me to finish the intake building. I was not only trying to finish cleaning kennels, but also set up new ones for the new arrivals. And he just kept vanishing without a word as to where he was going. Our supervisor finally caught him sitting down in the main building, playing on his phone again. And this woman does not get angry easily, so you know she was serious when she went off on him and warned him for the final time about playing on his phone when there was still work to do.

Then Friday was a flat out crazy day. Even more animals were brought in, and me and the woman I was working with that day kept getting stopped. While we didn't end up finishing until almost seven o'clock that night, three cats were adopted and a pretty good chunk of the kittens went to foster homes. I was also scheduled to work with my above-mentioned co-worker again the next day, and was instructed by the shelter director to make sure he left his phone on her desk and that it did not move from there. And if I saw him with it while he was supposed to be working, to contact her immediately.

Fortunately, we were closed to the public yesterday because of Memorial Day. That alleviated some of the stress. And it seemed on the surface that my co-worker was behaving himself--that is, until another one of my co-workers who works in dogs told me he saw him taking his phone off of our shelter director's desk at several points throughout the day and taking it to the bathroom with him. I had originally pulled him aside to give him a heads-up and ask him to help me keep an eye on him when he told me that. He contacted my supervisor and reported it to her after that. So yeah, there's a good possibility this guy has lost his job.

Then on top of all this someone in dogs called in today, so once cats was done we jumped in to help them. Then just before I left, a dog managed to get away from one of my co-workers and escaped nearly a half-mile away from the shelter. Fortunately we were able to get him back; he came right back when he was called.

So yeah, this was my week. I think I'm gonna spend most of tomorrow playing violent video games in between doing my laundry.

Me right now....

[tinyboxxtink]

"Spring Break '86" *Chapter 12*

Chapter 11

Chapter 13

I know guys, I know.

But to be fair, I gotta keep this lasting until NEXT weekend!

Speaking of...

SO, funny story:

I'm gonna be at a convention in Austin from Thursday-Sunday next week. [31ist-4th[

I can probably fit in watching all of Part 2-- the last time this happened, we did end up watching the whole thing on down times.

But damn am I gonna have to literally stay off EVERYTHING until that happens. I won't be able to handle it if Eddie dies.

But um, anyway-- i'm going to do my best to finish up before then. And get through Part 2 as fast as possible.

Also-- not to be that girl, but: the reblogs and comments make me wanna write more and sooner. 😅😜

Okay, here we go!

-----

Looking at Vecna for the first time in person, you quickly lost all your sass and strength against him. You buried your head in Eddie’s chest. 

“I don’t wanna do this,” you whimpered.

“Aww” Vecna mocked you. “Big bad Y/N can’t take it in person?” 

“Shut up,” Eddie growled, pulling you closer. 

“Yeah, you can’t have her,” Robin snapped.

“Oh, I don’t need her,” Vecna chuckled. “I’ve got all you cretins to choose from now,”

“What?” You suddenly snapped to attention, looking at your friends with fear. “No, no you don’t want them Vecna, fuck with me,”

“Me me me, it’s all about me,” Vecna mocked you. 

“Alright, fine,” he cracked his knuckles and rolled his neck, looking down at all of you. “You want me to ‘fuck with you’, Y/N? How’s this?”

He waved his hands and suddenly all four of your friends were in his power. Their eyelids convulsing, their bodies stiff. 

“NO!!!!” You screamed, running to Eddie first. This was horrifying, you hated that Eddie saw someone like this. Saw you like this. 

You then went down the line, checking everyone. They were all the same-- un-moving, eye blinking, statues. 

“Shit shit shit,” you muttered to yourself, hearing Vecna’s laugh in the background. 

“See where your selfishness gets you, Y/N?. Now all of your friends are suffering because of you,”

“I said take ME, jackass!” you screamed, now returning to Eddie’s side.

“Ah but see,” Vecna lowered himself down to you. “The more guilt and fear I build in you, the more delicious it will be when I wipe your brain. Your pain neurons are like crack,” 

While you argued with Vecna, your four friends were trapped in their own hell.

Robin was in the video store, being heckled by patrons who somehow knew she was gay. They were spitting on her, calling her slurs. Her mother was there, saying how she raised her better than that. 

Steve was caught in the video store as well, but he was being bombarded from former classmates telling him he’d never amount to anything. Saying that he peaked in high school, and he’d never go anywhere. Nancy was at the forefront of them, saying how much of a loser he was and how she couldn’t believe she had dated him. 

Nancy was stuck in the newsroom with everyone not listening to her as editor. Telling her she was worthless, she couldn’t even keep a boyfriend. Then Jonathan appeared, telling her how much he hated her, that he never loved her.

But Eddie’s, Eddie’s was the worst of them all. 

--------

He started out in his garage, his buddies from High School, playing D&D. He knew immediately where he was, when he was. 

It was the day you had come over to tell him you loved him. 

He immediately whipped his head around to see the door open, a young you standing in front of him. 

“Y/N,” He went to hug you, but you yelled at him before he could move. 

“FINE, YOU WANNA BE A DRUGGIE AND A LOSER, FUCK YOU TOO!!!” 

“What?” he shook his head, still trying to walk to you. “No, no! I love you, Y/N,” 

“Y-You do?” “you” asked him tearfully. 

“Yes!” He smiled and kept going towards you, but the door SLAMMED in front of him before he could reach you. 

“EDDIE!!!” He could hear you screaming through the door. He ran to it and began pounding on it. 

“Y/N!” He screamed. “Y/N I’M COMING!!!” 

“EDDIE!!!!” Your voice echoed through the door. “HE’S COMING!!!!” 

“NO NO NO!!!” He knocked his body against the door, trying to break it down. 

“EDDIE!!!” You screamed one last time, Eddie finally kicking the door off the hinges. But he was met with an empty hallway. 

He was in his old house. The house he lived in with his mom, and his dad before the piece of shit took off on him. He looked around warily, the colors of the house looking faded and the furniture broken. His anxiousness was beginning to soar, remembering all the bad memories here. 

“EDDIE, CLEAN YOUR ROOM OR YOUR GIRLFRIEND GETS IT!” 

Suddenly his mom’s voice was booming behind him. He turned around to see his mom, holding a knife to your throat. 

“...M-Mom?” he gulped, totally shocked to see her standing in front of him. 

“First you killed me, now you’re going to let HER die too!!!!” his mother cackled.

“EDDIE!!! HELP!!!” You screamed at him. 

“Y/N!!” He went to charge his mother, but she faded away before his eyes, taking you with her. 

“Wait,” Eddie shook his head, starting to become lucid. “Wait, this isn’t real,” 

“EDDIE!!!!” He now flipped around to see you being held by Vecna. 

“This not ‘real’ enough for you, Eddie?” Venca laughed, running his fingers across your face.

“Eddie…” ‘you’ whimpered, Vecna’s claws digging into the side of your shoulder.

“NO!! STOP!!!” he begged, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Oh fine,” Vecna acted as if he was going to toss you down, but he grabbed your head and ripped it off, dropping your body to the floor. 

“OH MY GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” Eddie screamed in agony, falling to his knees. 

----------

Upside Down

Eddie’s body began to rise as his horror fantasy was climaxing, ready to claim his life.

“NO!!!” You screamed blood murder as the others slowly began to rise as well. 

This was hell. It was literal hell. This wasn’t a joke, this wasn’t Jason the douche wielding a gun like a jackass. There wouldn’t be a way out of this, you were about to see the love of your life ripped apart in front of you. 

You HAD to do something, you couldn’t let him die because of you. Not again. You searched around you, looking for anything. Anything you could throw, distract him. Hurt him. You saw a large stick, grabbed it and chunked it at Vecna with all the might you could. 

You saw it sail through the air, smacking him right in the face. WIth a loud roar, he shook his head and body from the hit. You saw all four bodies drop instantly, and you didn’t hesitate to run up to Eddie.

“We HAVE to get out of here, Eddie,” you shook him as he came to, sitting up and rubbing his head. When he saw you and your head fully intact, he grabbed you and pulled you as close into him as possible, beginning to sob. He didn’t care who saw him, you were alive. 

“Eddie, baby…” you tried calming him down, not liking how the tables had turned. You didn’t know if this was exactly what you looked like when you thought he had died, TWICE, but you didn’t like it. 

“Baby we have to go…please,” you tried pulling him to his feet but he clung to you like a child. You looked over at Nancy, Robin, and Steve all slowly getting to their feet. 

“Y-You were…” he blubbered, slowly standing up but not letting go of you. “Your head was…” 

“Oh, baby,” you looked into his eyes. His beautiful chestnut eyes were filled with tears, he was shaking. 

He’d never looked that scared in his life; not in front of you, anyway. You let him pull you into him once more, letting him cry on the top of your head.  While comforting him, you saw Vecna coming to his senses, setting his sights on the five of you. 

“Shit,” you muffled into his hair, pulling him back slightly. “Baby, we need to go,” 

All four of them looked where you were looking and began to run, no questions asked. 

You ran and ran as fast as you could, holding tight to Eddie’s hand. You were not going to lose him, you weren’t. You weren’t even sure what you were running to, you just knew you had to get as far away from Vecna as possible. 

“I can’t-- run--- anymore--” You felt your legs turning to fire, you couldn’t breathe. Eddie’s hold on your hand grew tighter at your words. 

“You HAVE to, Y/N,” He told you, using all of his strength to pull you forward and lift you into the air. 

He was now carrying you, while running himself. He was exhausted already, but his fear for your life gave him adrenaline like a mom lifting a car off her child. He finally noticed an empty building, to which he yelled back to the other three: 

“Over here!!!!” he gestured with his head towards the building. They all nodded and followed him, not stopping until they were safely inside. 

You all just sat there, inside the Upside Down version of a Mickey D’s. The golden arches on the wall mocked you all. After a few minutes of heavy breathing, trying to catch your breaths,  you began to cry.

“We’re gonna die here, aren’t we?” you cried, pulling your knees into your chest. Eddie pulled you closer to him, still breathing hard. 

“N-No,” he panted. “We’re not. We’re NOT going to die, here, do you hear me Y/N?” 

You looked up from your knees into his eyes. “Y-Yeah,” 

“We’re not going to die here, because I still have to marry you, and we have to have kids with bad ass Hellfire jackets. And i’ll teach them all D&D, and we’ll have our own campaigns, it’ll be great,” 

“Oh God,” you laughed weakly. “Is that supposed to be helping? Because our kids are not playing--”

“Oh they most certainly ARE, Princess,” he smiled.

“Yeah?” you laid against the cash register counter and rubbed his hand with your thumb. “How many?” 

“W-What?” he suddenly realized you were surrounded by other people, listening to him be all ‘mushy gushy’. “I-I don’t know babe, I haven’t--”

“Bullshit you haven’t thought about this!” you shoved him playfully. “Come on baby, please? Give me something to live for?” 

“Oh thanks a LOT,” Eddie shoved you back. “I’m not enough to live for?” 

“Can I tell you what I imagined then?” you asked sweetly, causing his jaw to drop.

“Y-You thought about it?” he asked.

“Eddie I’ve been in love with you since 7th grade,” You blushed. “I’ve planned our lives out together in so many different ways I lost count,”

“R-Really?” Eddie asked again, disbelieving his ears. There was no way his dream girl had been planning their lives together. No way. 

“Eddie,” You looked at him seriously. “Come on. It was…you,” you put your hand to his face and leaned in close. “It was always you,” 

“Oh my God I swear to God I’m about ready to go take my chances with Vecna,” Steve made gaging noises at the two of you. 

“Oh shut up Harrington,” you flipped him off. “Like you haven’t planned out you and Nancy Drew’s life,” 

Nancy, Robin and Steve all looked at you with shock and awe, while Eddie laughed in amusement at the comment. 

“Excuse you!” Nancy cried, Steve looking at you with the same sentiment.

“Look Steve,” you put a hand on his knee. “Maybe it’s the exhaustion or the blood loss talking, but-- I think now’s the time to start tying up loose ends,” 

“Blood loss--?” Eddie’s ears perked up, he began to search your body for wounds. 

“Y/N I just don’t--” Steve rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

“Jonathan and I are breaking up,” Nancy suddenly announced, making the three of them look in shock, while you laughed. 

“TOLD you!” you cackled.

“What do you mean you ‘broke up’?” Steve asked Nancy.

“I mean not technically,” she made a face.

“What does that mean?!” crossed his arms.

“It’s complicated, I don’t know--” she threw her hands up in distress. “Can we just--?” she motioned away from the group.

They both stepped off to the side to have their own conversation, just as Eddie touched your lower back.

“SSSSsssrttt!!!” You hissed as he touched the gash wound. “Fuck me Eddie, that hurts!”

“Yeah? Does it?” Eddie asked you in an angry voice. “So why didn’t you speak up about this before?!”

“Um GEE,” You mocked him. “Maybe it was because I was watching the love of my life floating in the GODDAMN AIR!!!” 

“Oh for fuck’s sake--” Eddie groaned while taking off his jacket and tying it around your waist tightly, hoping to stop the bleeding. 

“God,” you shook your head with a sad laugh once more. “Look at us. One of us is really going to die, aren’t they?”

“STOP saying that,” Eddie growled.

“Look where we’re sitting, Eddie!” you gestured around. “If you’re not at the brink of death, then I am! We just keep trading! Because we’re idiots!” 

“Hey!” Eddie snapped. “For the record, that last time wasn’t my fault,”

“And this one wasn’t mine!” you gestured to your wound.

“Bullshit,” Eddie scoffed. “I know one of those beasty mother fuckers took a chunk out of your back!” 

“Look just--” You started to tear up. “Just go, okay? Go to your trailer, find the other portal, and get out of here, okay?”

“Okay you must be loopy because you know there’s no way in hell that’s ever happening,” Eddie laughed. 

“What are you gonna do Eds, huh?” You sadly smiled at him. “You gonna carry me the whole way?” 

“YES!” He nodded enthusiastically. “Yes that’s EXACTLY what I’m going to--”

“We went the wrong way,” you laughed and cried harder. 

“What?” he asked.

“To the trailer park,” you gestured outside. “When we started running, we ran in the opposite direction,” 

“Shit…” Eddie whispered as he looked out the window, realizing you were right. His trailer was on the opposite side of town. 

“Now we have to make it twice as far,” you sadly laughed. “Which means we’ll DEFINITELY die, which means--”

“SHUT. THE FUCK. UP!!!!!!!” Eddie suddenly bellowed, making everyone wince. 

“Eddie, I--”

“No,” he told you sternly, getting inches away from your face. “No ‘Eddie’. No tearful goodbyes, no romancing some kind of fake life with fake kids, no more accepting that we are going to just sit here, and die. NO MORE, do you hear me Henderson?” 

“....Okay,” you nodded quietly.

“We all have to stay optimistic,” Robin piped up, feeling like the fifth wheel. 

“What?”

“Vecna preys on the vulnerable and desperate, right?” SHe pointed out. “So we have to stay positive!” 

“She’s right,” you agreed, to which Robin smiled. 

“So let’s focus on staying together,” Steve suggested, now returning to the group holding Nancy’s hand. 

“Good talk, I assume,” you wiggled your eyebrows weakly with a small smile, making Nancy blush. 

“Oh good,” Robin rolled her eyes. “Now I really am the fifth wheel,”

“Hey, Buckley,” Eddie hit her softly. “What did you just say?!”

“Yeah, I know,” she put her hands on her head and began pacing. “I just…I don’t think I’ll ever have that,” 

“Hey,” you waved at her, getting her attention. 

“You shouldn’t focus on that. Focus on this: you’ve got four people here who know who you are. ALL of you. And we all accept and love you for who you are. Isn’t that a good thing?” 

“Yeah,” she nodded with a small smile, looking around at the group. It was true, she had never had this many people she could be fully herself with. 

“I guess that is something,” she shrugged with a smile.

“Okay then!” Eddie clapped his hands together, getting a fake enthusiastic tone. “We better get going, gang!”

“Please, don’t,” You groaned. “That is the scariest thing I’ve ever heard,” 

“Oh shut your hole, Henderson,” Eddie scoffed as he picked you up and let you lean on him while you all walked. “I used to be a pretty happy kid, if you remember,” 

“Happy kid?” Steve laughed loudly. “Yeah, no. I don’t buy that,”

“He was, believe it or not,” You defended him, making Eddie stick his tongue out in triumph. 

In fact, you could recall the day he stopped being a ‘happy kid’.

------

Four Years Ago, Hawkins HIgh

You saw Eddie coming down the hall and braced for a dirty comment, but were met with silence. In fact, he didn’t look at all like he was in the jovial mood. His bag was clutched closely to his bod, his head looked down at the floor. His hair was covering his face, but you could have sworn you heard muffled sobbing sounds when he walked past you. 

“I um,” you looked at your fellow cheermates. “I forgot something in my locker, I’ll be right back,” 

You walked down the hall to follow Eddie before waiting for a response. He was moving fast, but you kept up with him. You both sped walked across campus, until he finally stopped dead in his tracks in the parking lot behind the school. 

“WHY are you following me, Henderson?” He asked you very loudly and angrily, without so much as a turn of the head your way. 

“Because--” you stepped closer now that he had stopped walking, but you could tell he was visibly shaking so you made small movements. 

“I’ve never seen you like this, Eddie,”

“Oh what do you know, huh?!” he spun around to face you, his face visibly tormented. Tears were rolling down his cheeks replacing dry ones, his eyes were red from even more crying. 

“Oh, Eddie--” you started to go hug him, but his hands were up instantly, blocking you from any of his personal space.

“UH UH, NO,” He spat. “No ‘Eddie’...” he mocked your voice, trying to stop crying. 

“NO. You-- you don’t get to sit there and make fun of me with your little fucking sheeples everyday, and then all of a sudden you wanna hug it out just because my--” He stopped and threw a hand over his mouth as if to keep from his words from spilling out. 

“Your what?” You searched his face, trying to figure out what he was saying. It was so much easier when you were kids, when you were so in sync. You knew everything he was thinking, sometimes before he did. But now, his face was completely foreign to you. 

“Nothing, just--” He started to turn back around and walk to his car, but you were done with games. 

You walked right in front of him, stopping his path.

“Eddie Munson you tell me what’s wrong with you right now or I’ll--”

“Or you’ll what, Princess?” he barked, towering over you. “What the fuck are you gonna do to me? Ignore me? Make fun of me? Pretend we were never friends? OH WAIT--” 

“Oh come on Eddie now is not the time to act like a child--” You rolled your eyes and began to chastise him when he yelled over you.

“Yeah well maybe it is because I just lost my MOM, Y/N!” 

“....W-What?” 

“Y-You wanna know what’s ‘wrong’ with me? Why I’m ‘upset’?” He began to cry again, but stopped himself. He wasn’t giving you the satisfaction. 

“Because I just killed the one person who gave a shit about me,” 

“What?” you blinked repeatedly, trying to process what he said. “That can’t be-- you wouldn’t--”

“She went into the hospital for ‘stress’, and then she never came out,” Eddie elaborated. “You tell me what she had to be that stressed about, that it would literally kill her,” 

“I-i don’t know!” you cried, trying to think of things. “Bills, money, mortgage, a million other things other than--”

“ME,” He pointed to himself, now getting in your face. “ME. She was stressed about ME. And it KILLED HER,”

“No,” you shook your head. He just shook his head with a sad laugh and started walking away from you in response, but you chased after him. 

“No that is NOT TRUE, Eddie!” you grabbed his hands and made him look at you. 

“Look you and your mom may not have had the-- best relationship,” 

You thought about how different his mom sounded the last time you had seen her. So-- downtrodden, about her own son. Maybe Eddie had a point. Not like you’d ever say that out loud. 

“But she loved you,” you finally added with a small smile. 

“Yeah, I know,” he ripped his hands from yours and continued to walk. “She was the last person left,” 

Your heart broke at those words. You wanted to run after him and tell him he was wrong; that you did love him and you were sorry things had gotten so fucked up, and that you wanted to be there for him now that he didn’t have anyone--

But you didn’t. 

----------

“Y/N? Y/N? Y/N!” Eddie’s voice drew you back to the present day. 

You shook your head and remembered all your surroundings. Eddie had laid you down on a bench when you had nodded off, thinking the worst.

“W-What?” You blinked rapidly, trying to orient yourself. You sat up and looked around, as Eddie’s arms went around you. 

“Jesus Christ,” he laughed into your hair. “Stop doing that to me,” 

“What?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Scaring the shit out of me, that’s what!” he exclaimed.

“She’s lost way too much blood,” Nancy shook her head at the current situation. “We need to get her to a hospital or--” 

“DON’T, Even say it. Don’t even THINK IT, Wheeler,” he warned her. 

“Well!” She threw her hands up, gesturing at you. “Someone has to think logically here! Not just sobbing at her bedside every time she passes out!” 

“You little--” Eddie started to lunge at her.

“AY HEY HEY HEY!” Steve body checked Eddie real quick. “Simmer down there, buddy,” 

“She’s right,” Robin sided with Nancy, drawing more disapproval noises from Eddie. 

“Look, I get that all of you are-- ‘scholarly’,” he air quoted. 

“Scholarly?” Steve raised an eyebrow, glancing at Robin. “We work at a fucking video store, dude,”

“Look whatever, man,” Eddie shook his head, cradling you in his arms. “I just know that I can’t lose her, and I don’t want any science telling me otherwise,”

“...We could get her to a hospital,” Robin suggested.

“What?” Nancy half laughed at the idea. “How?” 

“It’s still Hawkins, right?” Steve pointed to the right. “The hospital should be a block that way,” 

“Oh and what are you gonna do Steve, ask a demo-dog to operate on her?” Nancy snarked.

“NANCY,” Steve yelled in frustration. “They’ll at least have supplies to-- stitch her up,” 

“He’s right,” Robin agreed.

“Oh my god,” Nancy laughed to herself as they changed their route. “If you say so,” 

Eddie hung back as he carried you, catching Steve before he got to the girls. “Hey man,” he nodded at him. “Thank you, really,” 

“No problem, my dude,” Steve gave him a genuine smile. “If it was Nancy, i’d be the same way,” 

“Yeah,” Eddie nodded with a small laugh. He knew Steve was telling the truth, he looked at Nancy the way he had wanted you to look at him for years. And now you did. And you would. Forever. He just knew it. 

“Eddie,” you murmured weakly in his arms. 

“Yeah baby?” he cooed.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized.

“For what now?” He softly chuckled.

“Your mom,” you played with his ring on your finger.

“My mom?” his nose scrunched. “What are you--” 

“I should have gone after you that day,” you interrupted. 

“Oh,” Eddie looked down, knowing exactly what you meant. “It’s-- it’s fine,” 

“It’s not,” you insisted.

“Well, it’s in the past now,” He smiled at you.

“Yeah,” You put a hand to his face. “I still wanted to say it. Just in case--”

“NO,” He shook you gently in his arms. “You stop it right now. I’ll forgive you for leaving me alone after my mom died, but I will not forgiving you for leaving me alone forever,”

“Okay okay,” you laughed, lifting yourself to press your lips against his.

Yo u just walked in silence after that, both praying you’d make it in time.

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[tvseries-writings]

Soulmates VII

TW: eating disorder

You're at the session with Diane, it's Thursday and she's showing you all you need to eat, after a day of talking and planning with Jemma. The day promises to be really long but at least you have been able to leave the crutches.

"Y / n, are you still with me?" Diane stops talking and looks at you; she is not angry, in fact, her face exudes understanding and you could not be more relieved.

"I know it's going to be difficult," Diane tells you as she writes something in her notebook: "but I think Dr. Simmons did a great job, it's a gradual feeding you're about to do and it won't destabilize you like the previous ones"

You nod.

You both know that one will drive you crazy just like all the others, always for the same reason: food is calories and calories are fat. No matter how they are distributed, It’s always fat.

You run a hand through your hair before standing up.

"Can I let them in?"

Diane looks away from her notebook and smiles at you.

“Only if you feel ready, of course I advise you to do it but you don't have to if you don't want to. It wouldn't be the first time you ignore my judgment"

You give an amused smile and roll your eyes.

“It happened once! One time… I can't believe you'll blame me again. It's exhausting Diane "

Diane smiles back at you with a shrug.

"What can I do about it? My ego was hurt "

You chuckle as you walk to the studio door. Suddenly you realize what you are about to do and all the lightness in the air disappears.

You put your hand on the handle and take a deep breath.

"Remember: only if you feel ready"

You hear Diane say but her words reach you as muffled, the only noise you hear is that of your heart beating madly and the creaking of the door opening.

As soon as you let go of the handle you realize that your hand is sweaty and you rush to dry it on the black sweatpants you are wearing. Then you invite your soulmates - they had been sitting all the time on the two chairs attached to the corridor, placed right in front of Diane's study door - to come in.

You keep the door open for them and then you go in too.

«Wanda, it's nice to see you again… and you must be Natasha right? I'm Dr. Diane Hart, glad to meet you "

Wanda smiles saying that it is also a pleasure for her to see her again while Natasha hesitates for a few seconds.

You can see her hesitation in her eyes before a small smile curls her lips as she squeezes Diane's hand.

"It is a pleasure to meet you Dr. Hart and I would like to thank you personally ... indeed we would like to thank you personally for everything you have done for y / n"

Natasha also speaks on behalf of Wanda and you can't help but be surprised, those two will manage to amaze you in many ways yet; you are sure.

The three women converse for a few minutes before Diane starts talking about the real reason why they are all of her in her study.

"You are here because y / n has to tell you something, this is a fundamental stage of our journey and I need - but I am sure you will have no problems - that you are by your side in this very particular and above all difficult moment for her"

You notice Wanda and Natasha glance at each other and then hold hands before turning their full attention to Diane and nodding.

You are still standing behind the sofa where your soul mates are now and you see the scene unfolding before your eyes.

Diane directs her gaze to you and you know it's your turn to speak.

You don't know how - your body practically moves by itself - but you find yourself sitting in the chair next to Diane's. The only thing that separates you two from your soulmates is a small coffee table made of oak, most likely.

“My weight has been a problem since I was a child; my sister has always been thinner, taller, more beautiful ... and my parents didn't have much trouble making me notice it " you notice the bodies of both stiffen and your heart warms up a little from that show of affection: “I started by skipping breakfast, then lunch and finally dinner… nobody cared and I felt better. My body was not of my opinion though” you smile sadly as your tear falls to the floor.

Diane gives you a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder and gives you an encouraging smile.

They are your soulmates y / n, they won't judge you.

“That was my first recovery, then there were three more and then I left my parents' house and met Daisy. After ... after Daisy helped me I was better " you don't go into details, all three people in the room know that you are referring to your suicide attempt and you can't talk about it again, especially not in this moment: “I was really better but some time ago, it's been four months now… I had a small relapse. It's not serious but- "

Diane gives you a look and if her gaze could kill… well, you would already be dead. You are great at minimizing things but you often overdo it, especially when it comes to your health.

"Let's say that the situation has degenerated very quickly and now she risks hospitalization again if she doesn't start having a regular diet again" Diane says for you and you sigh, you know it's the truth but hearing him say it still has a strange effect on you .

Diane takes three stacks of papers and gives one to Wanda, one to Natasha and one to you.

As soon as you see what is written, your heart starts beating very quickly.

"This is the accurate list of everything you will have to eat in these weeks ... it is the only chance you have to avoid being hospitalized again ... I can no longer turn a blind eye y / n" Diane sighs looking at you with affection, the psychologist she hadn't been able to not get attached to you over the years and suffered immensely at seeing you struggle and suffer like that again.

Natasha clears her throat as she looks at the papers, Wanda does the same and you can see that her's are shiny.

"When is it to start?" Natasha asks and you hear her voice, usually firm and firm, just tremble.

"Today, we're already late." Diane looks at you and you look down. You know perfectly well that your looks are not the best.

Sometimes, when you look in the mirror and see the bones sticking out, you feel disgust for yourself. You wonder how you got to that point, you wonder why you did that to yourself but then, as soon as you skip a meal and feel lighter, as soon as someone points out that you have lost weight or that your clothes are loose when not even. a month before you were fine ... well, the satisfaction you feel is immense; so you skip another meal, lean over the toilet once more promising it will be your last when you know very well it never will be.

Wanda jumps up and hugs you, surprising both you and the other two women in the room.

You return her embrace by starting to draw relaxing circles on her back when you feel her tears wet your sweatshirt and her sobs shake her body.

“It's okay Wands, I'll eat okay? Everything will be fine” your voice breaks as Natasha joins your embrace too.

She doesn't break into tears or sobs but you feel from your bond that she is straining, she still doesn't feel comfortable with Diane.

You hold them both as tightly as you can by kissing the tops of their heads and whispering reassuring words.

You almost forget that Diane is still there and you give her an apologetic smile before you walk away. Or rather, the hug ends but both of your soul mates hold you by the hand remaining by your side.

Diane takes a look at the watch she has on her wrist, the two hours she had reserved for you that Thursday were both the longest and the shortest in her life.

You smile at her, grab the three stacks of papers you already know will be your sentence for the next few weeks and almost drag Wanda and Natasha to the door.

"Thanks Diane"

"See you in two days ... usual time and girls, I hope to see you again soon"

After the pleasantries come out of Diane's study, Natasha intertwines her hand with yours and Wanda does the same with your other hand.

You walk towards the exit, ready to take your car back and return to the Avengers Tower.

"Thank you," you whisper as soon as you get in the car.

Wanda sits next to you, in the back seat, while Natasha takes the driver's seat.

"What does you print for?" Natasha asks and you give them a little smile.

"I don't know ..." you shrug: "for agreeing to help me, for listening to me, for coming with me-"

Wanda interrupts you by placing her index finger on your lips.

You Stop talking immediately by looking at her as if hypnotized. The beauty of both is unparalleled but the naturalness they express with those small and sweet gestures make butterflies fly into your stomach.

«We are your soulmates and we would do anything for you, you don't have to thank us» Wanda smiles at you and leaves you a kiss on your lips moving away a few centimeters.

Natasha has started the car and you are already moving through the streets of New York. You stop to admire the skyscrapers and out of the corner of your eye you notice Wanda reading with extreme concentration the papers that Diane gave you.

It is almost lunchtime and the sudden thought that you will have to eat everything on that damn list makes you panic so much that both Natasha and Wanda perceive it through your bond.

It is surprising how the bond between soulmates is so mysterious even after years and years of studying it. For example, you could feel your bond growing by the minute. Every second you spend together strengthens and intensifies it more and more.

I was dying so now you can feel all the emotions of the other if they are strong enough.

Reason why - then - Wanda takes your face in her hands and Natasha looks at you from the mirror before speaking.

"You're not alone; you will never face it alone again. You have us now and we're not going anywhere »Natasha smiles at you.

"You won't get rid of us easily darling" Wanda caresses her face looking into her eyes: "and now let's go eat what's on that list"

You sigh and nod slightly.

"We are proud of you, even if only because you are trying"

And those words are worth a lot more than they think. You are so lucky to have found them.

I Hope you enjoyed it! An unforgivable delay, I know; I am sorry. In addition to this I hope you enjoyed it and where I live is almost five in the morning so goodnight XD. Leave a comment if you want <3

Taglist: (send me a message if you want to be added) @your-my-mission @fishlikestuff @liladoesfanfics @coollemonsaresour @nuianced-tck-girl @ktstwice @8plasma @wandamaximofflovers @finca-lotr @funniesmemesblog @battleg03 @orangelife @idontknowhowtogay @yeeterthekeeper @nightingalxx

Marvel Masterlist (here the other parts of “Soulmates”)

“Soulmates”

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VIII

Part IX

[amaya-chwan]

Takeaways from Therapy Game Restart 14 + Illustration Book Release Date

Hello again everyone! ❤️💛💜

It's finally here... chapter 14! In all its glory! 😍🥰✨

Before we get to our takeaways, just some news I missed in the last post!

🎉 SENSEI'S ILLUSTRATION BOOK WILL BE RELEASED AROUND THURSDAY, 23RD SEPTEMBER! 🎉

Image taken from this Twitter post from Dear+!

It is titled "日ノ原巡イラスト集　DARLING" and boasts a collection of illustrations from Sensei's works so far: Secret XXX, Therapy Game, and Kamisama no Uroko.

The current price is ¥2970 with tax (¥2700 without tax). If you'd like to preorder it on your proxy shopping service, I've found it on the Comi Comi Studios website here! The bonus for purchasing it on this website is a B5 clear file~ I haven't seen it on Animate just yet, so fingers crossed it'll appear on their website soon with another (different) bonus! ❤️💛

Alright, with this amazing news done, let's move onto our takeaways, the long awaited takeaways! Thank you for being so patient with me! 💜

My short life update: currently in week 8 of lockdown and I haven't left my house in a long time other than for exercise or groceries. But I do have my vaccination appointment booked so YAY! 🎉

Here are our takeaways for this chapter:

Oh man, we pick right up from the last page of chapter 13. MINATO, BB, YOU LOOK SO PAINED! 😭

Sensei is the BIGGEST tease... that's all we got of that Minato and Shizuma scene...👀😭

The female staff at the veterinary hospital have really mellowed out! They're not bad, after all. ☺️

Oh dear, Nakajou-sensei, please get better ASAP!

Whoa... did Onodera just...?? I'm starting to think back to that Onodera discussion we had a couple of months ago... 🤔

Poor Shizuma, always roped into Onodera's workplace stuff! IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE GREAT PEOPLE SKILLS, SHIZUMA! PROUD OF YOU! 😍🙌

Man, Onodera has a really... blunt way of saying things to her human clients. Wow, brave. 😲

But I will say, Onodera really is good with animals. 🙌

Yet again, I think about that Onodera discussion we had... 🤔🤔

And that’s it for this chapter’s takeaways! For a more detailed breakdown/summary of this chapter, please continue after the cut! There may or may not be a surprise scene (or two) there. Please keep reading if you want to see~  😉✨

Our chapter begins where we left off in chapter 13--Minato pinning Shizuma down on the bed. Shizuma looks up at Minato and reflects on his actions that caused the pained look he is seeing.

Image taken from this Dear+ Twitter post!

On the next page (title page), the dialogue reads: Shizuma wants to understand what it is about his director (Onodera) that is making Minato uneasy. // However, that beautiful liar hides it well...

(I believe we are taken back to the morning before Shizuma and Minato meet up for their date.)

The title page features Onodera walking back to the clinic, bread in hand, with a cat cozying up on her leg. We are then brought to the clinic's lunchroom, with the female staff and Shizuma on break. The roster in the room shows that Onodera is extremely busy, Nakajou-sensei has afternoon house call appointments, Tatsumi is Nakajou-sensei's support for these appointments, and Shizuma has a half day and finishes in the afternoon in lieu of working on his scheduled day off.

Shizuma asks his coworkers what presents they like from their partners and takes note of their answers. One of the female nurses asks if it's Minato's birthday. Shizuma confesses that their relationship has been affected by the various things happening lately, so he wants to get Minato a gift before seeing him later that day.

The nurses quickly pick up that the gift is a "tribute" of sorts as this line of work means a lot of missed appointments and dates, and Shizuma confirms their suspicions. While the nurses realise male-male relationships and male-female relationships aren't that different in this aspect, everyone in the lunchroom is alerted to someone shouting Nakajou-sensei's name.

Shizuma and a nurse see Tatsumi with Nakajou-sensei, who has collapsed on the floor. While the staff are concerned about Nakajou's well-being, she brushes it off as a dizzy spell. Before they can help her up, Onodera sweeps her off her feet and carries Nakajou to her (Onodera's) office. While Nakajou asks Onodera to put her down out of sheer embarrassment, Shizuma and Tatsumi are in shock, with Tatsumi commenting on Onodera's manliness in that moment. One of the other nurses gently smacks Shizuma's shoulder and tells the two to grab a blanket and a drink for Nakajou.

In her office, Onodera asks Nakajou why she's been overworking herself to the point of collapsing. The nurse (who gave the gentle smack) very obviously hints to Onodera that it is her fault. As Nakajou calms the nurse by saying that's just how the director is, Tatsumi asks Nakajou about their afternoon appointments. She says she'll be fine to go after a little rest, but the nurse says she mustn't overexert herself.

After a few back and forths about who should go and the clients' needs/personality (picky about the vet, had a pet that doesn't like men, etc), Onodera says she will go. The nurses are shocked and reminisce about all the issues they've had when Onodera interacts with the owners. Tatsumi and Shizuma stand there, and can very clearly imagine those situations happening.

While Onodera rearranges and informs the nurses of the shift changes to accommodate Nakajou-sensei, Shizuma has a terrible premonition that unfortunately comes true: he is appointed as Onodera's support for the afternoon house calls.

Wearing a sulky expression, Shizuma packs the necessary equipment in Onodera's car and reminds her that he has a very important engagement that night that he cannot miss, and as such will leave immediately after the house call appointments are done. Onodera bursts his bubble, and tells him to give up on those plans while he can since this is the line of work he's chosen.

As Shizuma reads the client files, he questions Onodera on why he is her support when he's never attended to these clients before. While Onodera tells him that good coordination is important with a physician's support and that he's the only one she can rely on to give her an honest opinion and calm the clients, Shizuma realises that he's basically the mediator between her and the owners. She confirms that this is his strong point, has great expectations for him, and proceeds to drive. Shizuma then reads the patient files at lightning speed, realising there's a threatening 'something' that Minato has sensed, but that's just how the director is. He then vows to make it to their meeting tonight, no matter what.

The first three house calls, as expected, involve Onodera insulting and angering the owners--Onodera tells the first client that his insistence on seeing Nakajou rather than a 'young' director is having a negative effect on his pet who needs immediate medical care; Onodera offends the second client, inferring from their conversation that her pet's appearance is more important than the need to shave their fur and get an ultrasound done; Onodera accuses the third client of being irresponsible in caring for his exotic animals and asks for more effort on his part. In all three scenarios, Shizuma awkwardly smiles while trying to ease the tension.

The scene skips to Onodera and Shizuma arriving at their fourth and final house call for the day. Just as Onodera explains to Shizuma that she must check a whole host of things at house calls (and indirectly be too blunt about it with the owners), Shizuma asks her to consider the owner's feelings and change when and how she says things. She glares ahead in silence, and Shizuma is just glad that she is now aware of it. He again reminds her to talk with the owner nicely and gently as he probably won't be able to help with the next client as their pet dislikes men. Onodera tells him to just sit in the corner and witness the client become furious while he doesn't help, making him feel slightly guilty for saying that. He is now adament on not helping her.

They reach the owner's home and we meet an elderly woman named Shiratori and her 9-year-old male cat, Tono. Shiratori apologises to Shizuma as her cat doesn't like men. Tono hisses at them as Onodera opens his cage, but is then coaxed into submission by Onodera who covers his vision with a towel and takes him into her lap to calm down. Shiratori and Shizuma are surprised at his sudden docile nature, with Shizuma witnessing how well she deals with animals.

As Shizuma looks on at Onodera while she completes a check on Tono, he sees she is crumbling at the friendliness and talkative nature of Shiratori, who sings nothing but praise for Onodera and how her family must be proud to have such an amazing daughter. Aiming to ease her troubles and remembering the earlier guilt-trip she gave him, he redirects Shiratori's attention to her broken fly screen and offers to fix that plus everything else that needs repair in her home.

Onodera watches as the two leave the room for a bit before apologising to Tono for ignoring him. Tono looks on at Onodera happily while she asks him how he can live with such a lively human and to tell her his secret to this. She brings him into her arms once more to check his limbs, and as Tono looks up smiling at Onodera, Onodera sees her reflection in Tono's eyes, and both seem to realise something.

BG Text: Stare...

Suddenly, Shizuma and Shiratori, who are busy fixing the window, hear a loud crash and rush into the room to find Tono atop the cabinet and Onodera on the floor, with her hair in disarray. In the next panel, Tono is shown to be hiding in the bookshelf, looking on irritatingly at the humans. Shiratori apologises to Onodera, who shakes it off and says it's nothing to worry about and no harm's been done.

Shiratori asks if Onodera will fix/tie her hair up again, but when Onodera says her hair tie was broken when Tono used her as a launchpad to get on the cabinet, Shiratori runs to get her a new one. As Shiratori gushes over the 3 piece dopey looking character hair tie set she received as a present from her grandchild (and lets Onodera pick one), a greatly displeased look is plastered on Onodera's face. Shizuma, in shock, notices her displeasure and hopes she just thanks Shiratori for it. And Onodera does, bringing a great big smile to Shiratori's face.

As Onodera and Shizuma leave, Shiratori says she's glad to have talked with Onodera and invites her to come over again. As she says this, we see Onodera looking back with a blank look in her eyes.

And that’s it for this chapter! THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR! 💜 While I was surprised at the lack of Minato in this chapter (Sensei legit is such a tease, LOL 🤣), I'm happy we can learn more about Onodera. Ngl, I'm starting to really question if Onodera is male or female now, given what transpired in this chapter. I guess we shall see in the next one!

I also changed the formatting a bit and removed the bullet points. Please let me know which format is better/easier to read! Ahah!

EDIT: Spelling and grammar checks are done! Didn't change a lot, but hope it reads better! 💜

📢 As always, please support Hinohara-sensei by purchasing her books and CDs! 📢

And please also refrain from resharing these translations and images outside of this post! Thank you for understanding! ❤️💛

There won't be a chapter in next month's (September release) Dear+, so I shall see you in two months for the next chapter (Dear+ November Issue, to be released in October).

As always, stay safe during these turbulent times and look out for each other and for your loved ones! 💜❤️💛

[boldlyvoid]

Amoreena | Chapter Nine

chapter nine

main summary: Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Chapter Warnings: date night!! this is very fluffy, very emotional and extremely horny. edgar allan poe is rolling in his grave at what they did in his enchanted garden

exhibitionism, public sex (no ones there tho), drug mentions at the end (let me know if I should tag anything else!!!!)

word count: 5.4k

from the beginning <3

He spent all of Thursday afternoon with Penelope in Richmond, setting up for his date that night.

Stringing lights on the trees, mowing the grass and trimming the flowers back, the staff ensuring that the museum was in pristine condition for them tonight, it was perfect. The cats were brushed, there were rose petals the fountain and the most beautiful picnic set up in the garden.

Penelope packed their dinner for them, keeping it in the museum fridge for when they finally arrived, it was the only thing Spencer needed to remember.

Y/N: just got home, about to get ready! Can’t wait to see you at 6 ♥︎

Spencer smiled at his phone, about to text her back when Penelope laid a hand on his back, “change into your suit and head back to her, traffic might be bad?”

“Thank you, for everything. You’ve always been my best friend, more of big sister actually,” Spencer pressed his lips together tightly as to not get emotional. “You’re wonderful Penelope, thank you.”

“Awe!” She swooned, wrapping him up in a big hug. “I will always love you, Spencer, you deserve all of this and so, so much more, now go before I cry.”

He laughed, pulling back, hand lingering on her shoulder as he walked into the museum. They let him change in the backroom, it felt incredibly strange to be putting on a suit inside Edgar Allan Poe's house to go pick up his wife. Not too long ago he dreamed about bringing a girlfriend here someday, life was moving too quickly, he needed a breather.

He kept his suit jacket folded and on the passenger seat as he drove home, where he lived with his family. Even just thinking that as he paid attention to the road made him smile. The wind hitting his face, his hair blowing in the breeze, he felt free at last.

He was where he was supposed to be, all roads lead to here.

Travelling up her driveway with a smile on his face as the dust followed him to her doorstep. She was waiting in a red dress on the porch, Amoreena and her nanny eating pizza on the steps as they waited for him.

Stepping out of his car, he straightened his tie and pulled his pants up more, looking at his wife like she was a star plucked from the sky, landing in this Virginia field for him.

She stood then, her satin dress flowing and exposing a leg as she walked down the steps to him, “Is this what you wanted?” She twirled in front of him to show it all off, her hair getting stuck in her lipstick and making her laugh.

“I love you,” is all he can say as she leaning in with a wide grin, surpassing the smile to kiss him gently, using her thumb to get all the lipstick off his bottom lip and chin.

“Love you too, cutie,” she winked, taking his hand and turning back towards Amoreena, “listen to Nanny, remember we love you and we will see you no earlier than 7:30 tomorrow, okay?”

“Yes ma’am!” She saluted, mouth full of pizza.

“And what are the new rules about coming into our bed in the morning?”

“Knock first, wait till you respond, don’t come in unless you say it’s okay,” Amoreena replied, sticking her tongue out at her as she remembered it all.

“Smartie pants,” Y/N smiled at her, “come give us a hug, don’t get pizza on my dress, please.”

Amoreena wiped her sleeve over her mouth before running into her mother's open arms, they shared goodbye kisses before it was Spencer’s turn. She held him so tight it felt wonderful, “goodnight Lovey, I’ll see you tomorrow morning, have the best sleep ever for me?”

“I’ll see you in dreamland,” she replied, kissing his cheek gently before she pulled back.

“Have fun!” Nanny called from the porch as Amoreena skipped back to her.

“We will,” Spencer replied, taking Y/N’s hand and leading her to the passenger side, he opened her door and helped her inside, insuring her dress was inside before closing the door.

Jogging back to his door, he got in and put on his seatbelt. He threw the car in reverse and turned around by the barn, heading down the driveway, not saying a single thing as Y/N stared at him.

“You’re really not going to tell me anything?” She shook her head, licking her lip before biting it as she huffed.

“We’re going to Richmond, Virginia, to read,” he gave her one hint.

“Hmm,” she smiled, “I’m sure you won't tell me the title, so Mr. I can remember every book ever, what’s a random line in it?”

“You’re smart,” he teased her, “but for the brilliant green of the huge leaves that spread from their summits in long, tremulous lines, dallying with the Zephyrs—”

“We’re going to the Edgar Allan Poe Museum!” She cut him off with a cheer.

He slows down on the barren dirt road, mouth wide open as she got it right, he turns to her as they come to a complete stop, “how the heck did you get that?”

“Yes!” she laughed, tossing her head back as she clapped and kicked her feet a little, so proud of herself, “I’m a librarian, Spencer! Did you think I wouldn’t know Eleonora?”

“That’s the most random sentence in the whole poem?” Spencer was shocked, she recalled it faster than he thought he would be able to if she read a line to him.

“My brother’s first motorcycle was a Zephyr,” she smiled at him, raising her eyebrows. “My brain is kinda like a filing cabinet, if you give me a word I can remember everything I’ve ever heard with that word included.”

He started to drive again, shaking his head as he paid attention to the road but still astounded by how amazing she is. “Amoreena gets that from you then, she could have both our eidetic memories together, that would be very interesting to see.”

“Eidetic memory?” She questioned.

“It’s what most people call photographic memory,” Spencer explained. “You can remember everything you hear which is why you and Amoreena are able to recall songs, books and movie facts so fast, while I can read back to you anything I’ve read without having to see it again, it’s forever in my mind.”

“So we’re both geniuses, cool,” Y/N smiled at him again, “sorry I ruined your surprise.”

“You just know where we’re going,” he reminded her, laying his hand on hers, interlocking their fingers as he drove.

They had an hour alone before the real date started.

So she showed him all of her favourite songs, including some of Amoreena’s playlists so he could get familiar with them before their trip to Rhode Island. Her voice was impeccable, she knew all the words and harmonies, often opting to cove background voices he wouldn’t have even known were there if it wasn’t for her.

She loved music in a way that intrigued him, she enjoyed music with a story. Much like the reason she loved books so much, she enjoyed picturing the happy places in her mind that the songs were able to take her to, they filled her with glee and hope as she sang to her heart's content. Taking short breaks to explain the meanings of songs, to recite the best lyrics and why the songs are close to her heart.

“Do you want to hear the song that reminds me the most of you?” She asked between songs, pausing so that nothing else would start.

“Sure,” he blushed, nervous for what it could be and how she imagined him in her mind, hoping he could live up to it.

“I'm perfectly fine I live on my own, I made up on my mind, I'm better off bein' alone. We met a few weeks ago, now you try on callin' me, baby, like tryin' on clothes,”

She stares at him with a beautiful smile as she waits to see his reaction to the opening, finally singing when the beat drops, dancing softly in her seat as she belted the words out to him.

“So prove to me I'm your American Queen, and you move to me like I'm a Motown beat, and we rule the kingdom inside my room,” She brushed her hand across his jaw, teasing him as the words flow from her lips to his ears, she loves him and he can feel it with every syllable.

“And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for, King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa! And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa,” she sings so softly, with a purpose, turning it down a little so that he can talk to her.

“I love you,” he reminded her, “so much it hurts sometimes.”

“It’s like your heartstrings are tugging on each other, right?” She agreed, “like they want to jump out of our chests and run to each other.”

He nodded with a soft smile, reaching for her hand again holding it as he brought it to his mouth for a kiss, “queen of my heart.”

“Hmmm,” she thought over his words, “I’m pretty content with being princess still, Lady Amoreena is in line for the thrown, it’s part of her namesake after all.”

“Does the kingdom have a name?”

“You know the Elton John song Goodbye Yellow Brick Road?” She waited for his nod, “my grandma called it Ozellous so it’s like wizard of Oz but I added the 'ellous' because people always said they were jealous of our farm.”

He’s trying his best to keep his eyes on the road when all he want’s to do is look at her smile, to see her pupil change as she recalls the loving memory, it’s his favourite thing to do. Better than any movie or play, seeing her face was better than looking at the most expensive art piece. He was so in love with all of her.

“Were you like Amoreena as a kid?”

“Oh yeah,” she laughed, “bullied hardcore for it too, kids always told me to shut up cause I’d add facts to conversations I wasn’t a part of.”

“I would have loved to listen,” Spencer replied softly, knowing the feeling all too well.

They were only a few minutes away now, turning into the small town and passing quaint little homes and cottages. “Amoreena would love this drive, these are some interesting townspeople homes for her imagination, we should come back sometime this summer.”

His heart was going to actually explode, she was everything he never knew he needed.

“I’d love that,” he added as they pulled into the museum. “I’m a museum member and I’m a patron, so sometimes I donate rare pieces I find, they love me here.”

Her mouth opened to speak, but her eyes got caught on the twinkling lights in the distance, mesmerized by everything. Old cobblestone streets, brick buildings and wooden gates, it was straight out of the 1800s and absolutely fantastical.

“And it’s all ours for the night,” he put the car in park and turned to her, “wait here?”

She nodded, speechless as she continued to look out the window at everything. Spencer got out of the car, opening the back seat to grab and put on his jacket, straighten out his suit before opening her door and extending a hand to help her out.

“Princess,” he extended his arm for her to tuck her own under, he closed her door and escorted her through the gate and towards the garden.

The sun was just starting to set, 7 pm in early June being the most beautiful time of year in rural Virginia, the sky was a perfect purple as he leads her through the stone arches towards the picnic.

Her eyes sparkled with all the lights, wide and pupils blown as she took it all in. It was a fairytale, she was in a princess dress, he was the king of her heart and this was just the beginning of happily ever after.

“Spencer, whatever your middle name is, Reid,” she gasped, swatting his arm lightly with a smile growing on her face.

“It’s Walter,” he smiled right back.

He let go of her hand then and walked over to a table, turning on the record player and dropping the needle in the right spot. He did his research into some Taylor Swift songs, finding one that reminded him the most of Y/N and how much he loved her.

“May I have this dance?” He asks as she notices the all too familiar guitar strumming.

He reaches a hand out for her, pulling her in as she takes it, “I was so so lost before I found you in the park,” he explains the first verse, barely a whisper beside her ear as they start to sway.

There I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles Same old tired, lonely place Walls of insincerity Shifting eyes and vacancy, vanished when I saw your face

“All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you,” he whispers once more, feeling the goosebumps bursting on her bare arms.

He spun her around, extending both their arms as she twirled out and then back into his embrace again with a giggle. She swayed back and forth, dancing with him like the night they got married in her field.

Your eyes whispered "have we met?" Across the room your silhouette starts to make it's way to me The playful conversation starts Counter all your quick remarks, like passing notes in secrecy

“And it was enchanting to meet you, All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you,” he sings them this time, spinning her out again as the chorus hits, her eyes widening as she began to smile wider than he’s ever seen before.

They sang the words together as they danced, smiling and laughing as they moved around the cobblestone. Finding a rhythm so perfect, so them, it was silly and not on beat in the slightest, mostly spinning, it was a spinning song if the album cover was any indication.

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you!

“The lingering question kept me up, Two a.m., who do you love? I wonder till I'm wide awake! Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door, I'd open up and you would say, hey! It was enchanting to meet you, all I know is I was enchanted to meet you,” Y/N’s voice softer than ever as she sang her anxieties into his ear, remembering the day at the museum where she wondered if she could have him all to herself.

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home I'll spend forever wondering if you knew This night is flawless, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you

Spinning around in circles she leaves his grasp, dress circling in the wind and he watches her. She takes both his hands and spins around with him in a tight circle before pulling back in, their chests bumping as they laughed, happier than he’s ever been in his entire life, and she’s made him pretty happy in the last few weeks.

The girl of his dreams, dancing around him with a smile like she was making her own music video. This was a dream of hers he didn’t know, making it come true as it became a dream of his own.

He places his hands on her cheeks as he stares into her eyes, “this is me praying that this was the very first page, not where the storyline ends. My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again. These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon, I was enchanted to meet you,” he whisper’s the words, barely singing, more talking.

“Please don't be in love with someone else. Please don't have somebody waiting on you. Please don't be in love with someone else. Please don't have somebody waiting on you,” she sings right back to him, staring into his eyes as they stand still in the garden.

She pulls him into a kiss, breathing in deeply through her nose as they hold each other’s cheeks, unable to get closer as they kissed. Pulling away with a loud smooch sound, smiling before taking her hands in his, once more.

Spinning her around again as the beat drops once more, her smile more beautiful than the first time he saw it. He was so madly in love, he firmly believed he was in heaven.

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home I'll spend forever wondering if you knew!!

This night is flawless, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you!

Please don't be in love with someone else Please don't have somebody waiting on you

“Now go stand in the corner and think about what you did,” Taylor Swift's voice cuts into the beautiful moment as her songs change and the mood drastically changes.

Y/N bursts out in laughter, jumping lightly as she enjoyed the song, head-banging along as she danced by herself until Spencer turned the music off once again, “you’re so cute.”

“Thank you,” she bowed, “this is cute!”

“There’s a picnic basket in the fridge inside, and some wine if you think that’s a good idea?” Pointing towards the main house, she followed him towards the door.

“Oh, hello?” Her voice changed as she noticed the two black cats on the window, letting Spencer head inside for the basket as she talked to them.

“That’s Edgar and Pluto, the groundskeeper found them in the shed in 2012,” Spencer explains as he comes back out, basket in hand but she’s too busy with the cats to notice.

Petting both their faces, they stretch into her reach and bask in the feeling of her nails on their skin, Spencer would agree it felt nice. He loved the feeling of her hands in his hair, he must have been a cat in his last life.

“Amoreena wants her own indoor cat,” Y/N smiled wide at him, “she always wanted to call him Hercules like the Elton John song, almost like she knew you were her dad all along.”

She took his free hand then, following him towards the blanket in the grass, “how?”

“There’s a line in the song about Greek gods, but it says Hercules on her side and Diana in her eyes, and she does have your mom's eyes, right down to the colour of her iris,” Y/N looked at him like he was everything to her.

Spencer couldn’t speak, he just set the basket on the ground and ushered her to sit down beside him. She held the skirt of her dress up so she could sit crisscross applesauce on the blanket, draping her dress over her legs so she didn’t show anything off just yet.

“Every time I look at you I understand all her quirks and her facial expressions,” she added like she was trying to make him cry, “I’ve been looking at her for almost 8 years now, wondering who you were and now I know, and you’re so much better than I ever imagined.”

“Would you have looked for me when she turned 18?” Is all he can ask through his sniffles, trying to hold it together for her.

She nodded, “I was going to tell her soon anyway, she asks a lot of questions I’m not sure if you noticed.” Her giggle was priceless, “she had lots of questions when the goats were born this year and that meant her asking more about making human babies and I just said a special man helped me make my dreams come true, and she thought it was Rumpelstiltskin.”

Spencer couldn’t fight the laugh that erupted from him, leaning forward as he chuckled, making her laugh too. “Does she even know the whole story?”

“She’s only seen the 4th Shrek movie with him, she has no idea that he also takes the babies,” Y/N placed her hand on his knee gently, “If I get pregnant again, I’m going to tell her about how it all works as simply as possible, I want her to feel included in this and she’ll be less jealous if she sees this as a learning opportunity.”

“That’s a good idea,” he agreed, “I still can't believe she almost punched Michael for hugging me.”

“Oh, I can,” Y/N laughed again, “she was being bullied last year by an older kid and I said if someone upsets you or hurts you, sometimes it’s not that bad to hurt them back. Make them know you’re not weak and you care about yourself, and she gave a kid a black eye for tugging on her braid.”

Spencer couldn’t stop smiling, “that’s my girl.”

Y/N opened the picnic basket then, taking everything out with a smile as Spencer stared at her, thinking a million different thoughts about future kids, how Amoreena would grow up, seeing her as a big sister to hopefully many.

They both leaned forward and kissed softly, smiling as they pulled back, “so you like charcuterie?”

She laughed, “Amoreena called it shark coochie once, I can’t not think of that now.”

“How many kids do you want?”

“Have you ever read cheaper by the dozen?” She teased him. “As many as I can have, I have the funds thanks to my job and the farm and not having to pay a mortgage, I was going to have another baby next year anyway, I had an appointment and everything scheduled, I even tried to get them to contact Amoreena’s father for another sample but they said they couldn’t ask you outright for me.”

“They asked me if I wanted to give another sample when I asked if I could know my kids,” Spencer remembered the words exactly, “she said ‘You have four offspring so far, none of the other samples used have produced a child, the women were all IVF as well so it wasn’t your swimmer's fault if you wanted to donate again.’”

“I don’t want to know the truth, are you okay if we let her decide if she wants to find out at 18?” Y/N asked softly, “I’m content thinking you’re her father, I don’t want to know if it’s some other tall who-lookin’ genius, okay?”

“That’s perfect actually,” Spencer agreed, “and on the kids front, you don’t mind me being in my 70s when they all start going to University?”

“My dad is 68 with no signs of stopping, and he’s still fantastic with his grandkids,” Y/N always had a fact to combat his anxiety. “You have a lot of life left in you, I’ll take good care of you so that they have the best dad ever for as long as possible.”

Spencer was so in love with his family he felt like he was floating, laughing and smiling all meal long as they shared facts back and forth about their lives. Getting to know each other more and more as the seconds passed, he imagined it would be like this forever. She was like a bottomless pit of information, facts, stories and secrets. He loved every single one she shared with him.

She poured herself a second small glass of wine, “you know they say that one glass of wine every once in a while is actually good for the baby?”

“It doesn’t work that fast,” he reminded her, more like he reminded himself. He didn’t want to hope in the chance it didn’t happen right away.

“I had a nightmare last night for the first time in a long time, so I think it worked,” she teased him. “I won't know till June 10th, that's when my next period would be.”

“Nightmare?” It was the only part he picked up on, worried for her and wondering why she didn’t wake him up.

She nodded softly, “I found out I was pregnant and you never came home, and I got lost in the forest looking for you and then I remembered I could wake up.”

He rests his hand on her knee, rubbing his thumb against her bare skin softly, “I’m always coming home to you.”

“I know, when I got pregnant with Amoreena I had bad dreams in the first few weeks too, mostly about giving birth to nothing and being alone all over again, the subconscious and pregnancy hormones are mean as fuck when they hang out,” she laughed away the pain, “I know none of it is real.”

“Good,” he whispered, not knowing what really to say, he wasn’t used to soothing other people yet. Most people didn’t want his facts or concernment when something happened, just a hug normally.

She took a deep breath, pushing everything away, “good news, either my anxiety disorder is back in full swing or something’s working in here,” she laid her hand over her stomach, “either way, I’d like to try again tonight?”

He laughed, “we don’t need to make a baby every time you want to have sex?”

She got onto her knees then, crawling over the blanket and sitting right in Spencer's lap with her hands on both of his cheeks, “I want all your babies.”

He held her waist, pulling her in closer to his chest, “right now?”

She nodded, moving her dress out of the way to undo his belt, “no one is here right? It’s not like anyone would know?”

“Mhmm,” he agreed, kissing her neck as she unzipped his pants, moving his underwear out of the way just enough to free his hardening cock, she stroked it right there in the middle of the garden, staring down between their bodies in awe as he came to life.

Sitting up on her knees more, the slit of her dress made it a lot easier for her to show him her underwear. She was wearing just a thong, perfect for pulling to the side as she lowered herself onto him, ever so slowly.

She fixed her dress around them, completely calm and composed as he was fully inside of her, “you’re okay with this?”

He huffed a laugh out of his nose, dropping his forehead to her shoulder so he couldn’t buck into her and ruin the moment she was making, his hands moving to her hips, guiding her back and off him slightly before back down again, making her gasp.

“I thought you wanted to read?” She teased him as she started to ride him more, moving her hips in a way that took him in and out of her at just the right angle, her hands on his shoulders as she bounced on him lightly, he couldn’t even think straight. “Go on, read to me.”

He took a second to remember the words, mind totally somewhere else and not interested in a book at all when her boobs were right in his face.

“I am come of a race noted for vigor of fancy and ardor of passion,” the first sentence slipped past his lips as she kept going, he took a moment to kiss right under her ear before continuing.

“Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence—whether much that is glorious—whether all that is profound—does not spring from disease of thought—from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect.”

“Shit,” she moaned, pushing his hand down towards her clit, “you can multitask, smartie pants.”

His thumb was on a mission then, rubbing small circles against her pleasure point, she tossed her head back with her eyes closed as she continued to ride him, “I don’t hear you reading?”

He moaned softly in her ear at the feeling, and the fact she wanted to get off to hearing him recite something from memory, it was more euphoric than he could have ever imagined.

“They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity, and thrill, in ah- awakening, fuck,” he was trying his best to stay as composed as she was when he really just wanted to lay her against the blanket and fuck her into next week.

“to find that they have been upon the verge of the great secret,” Y/N whispered the end of the sentence, grinding down on him harder than before.

“In snatches, they learn something of the wisdom which is of good,” she whispered into his ear, biting his earlobe softly with a moan and he kept rubbing her clit, “you’re so good, Spencer, so so good," she paused to enjoy the moment before whispering in his ear once more, "And more of the mere knowledge which is of evil. They penetrate, however, rudderless or compass-less into the vast ocean of the "light ineffable," and again, like the adventures of the Nubian geographer, "agressi sunt mare tenebrarum, quid in eo esset exploraturi.”

Her words softer than ever and they were never going to get to the end of this poem, he'd never know how the rest of the words sound on her tongue, she pulled him into a kiss then, moaning into his mouth as they ground against each other, finding a perfect rhythm to bring them to the end.

“There, yes, fuck,” she whispered against his lips, pushing against him as she arched her back slightly, slipping away from his mouth as she did so.

He slammed into her then as he chased her lips, making her whimper one last time before she was shaking in his lap, her legs quivering as she finished on him, sending him over the edge and stilling as he came with a shudder. He held her so close, both of them breathing into each other's mouths as they came down, kissing and smiling as they stayed connected.

“We’ll name her Eleonora,” Y/N teased, pulling off him and laying back against the blanket.

He made sure her underwear was back in the right spot before covering her with her dress again and sliding himself back into his underwear.

“Amoreena and Eleonora have a good ring to it, we just need 10 more names,” he teased right back.

“Hopefully we have a little boy one day too,” she smiled as she tugged him down beside her, cuddling into her side as they stared up at the newly dark blue sky and the array of stars that decided to join them this evening.

“Even if it’s just Amoreena, I’ve never been happier in my whole life than when I’m with you,” he whispered. “Thank you.”

“For what?” She asked, purely to keep hearing his voice.

“Making me want to get up in the morning again, giving me a reason not to buy drugs for something euphoric to happen to me, showing me real love and proof that happiness is possible if you just chose to be happy,” he gave example after example.

“I thought I learned everything the world had to offer, but you’ve been showing me new little life hacks that make the world so much better, I see a future of bright colours and happiness and laughter for the first time ever, so thank you.”

She held him closer, “it’s been a pleasure falling in love with you, together, you deserve to love yourself. You’re so wonderful Spencer, it breaks my heart to know that anyone has ever made you feel the opposite.”

He couldn’t speak anymore, turning to kiss her neck and cheek so he had something to do that wasn’t crying. He loved her so incredibly deeply that he felt like he was an anchor, dropping to the bottom of her deepest ocean, without a single plan to leave.

tag list: @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187

[eretzyisrael]

Lama Al-Manar, 36, doesn't remember what she put into the small bag she was carrying when she stepped into a Red Crescent ambulance, other than medical documents. She doesn't remember the last words her husband, who was riding with her, said to her before they separated at the Erez crossing. She doesn't know whether he followed them with his gaze when she walked toward the crossing and passed from the Gaza Strip to Israel, where a Magen David Adom ambulance was waiting for her.

From the moment she left Shifa Hospital that afternoon, until she arrived at Sheba Medical Center at Tel Hashomer some five hours later, Lima's eyes never left the incubator that was holding her son, Abdullah, 2.5 months old, whose tiny body was receiving oxygen.

She also wouldn't have remembered what day it was if they hadn't explained how lucky she had been. It was Monday, May 10, 2021, the day on which Operation Guardian of the Walls against Hamas infrastructure in Gaza began. The ambulance that brought her and her son to Israel was the last allowed through Erez crossing before it was closed for 13 days.

Three children are waiting for her at home. Two years ago, she gave birth to a stillborn child, and when she became pregnant for the fifth time, she was eager for the new baby to bring joy back to the home. But Abdullah was born two months prematurely with a complicated heart defect and Lamaand her husband realized they would need to fight for his life.

"I was afraid. His condition wasn't good," Lama says. "He lost weight, and his breathing and other parameters slowed. I prayed to God to heal him. To fight for his little life. A doctor at Shifa Hospital recommended that we send him to Israel for treatment. My husband reached out to the Shevet Achim organization to help us get him there."

Thursday afternoon, the 11th day of the Gaza campaign. The radio reports a rocket alert in Ashkelon, and then a direct hit on a residential building. We arrive at the parking structure attached to the labor ward at Sheba Medical Center, which is next to the Edmond and Lily Safra Children's Hospital. The children's ICU was transferred here on the fifth day of the fighting for fear of rocket hits.

We go down one floor. After walking through the gray halls lined with oxygen tanks at the ready, we encounter a colorful sign decorated with a drawing of a sun and a kite: "Protected Children's ICU." Reality stays outside. In the parking structure, which was filled with cars the previous week, there are 40 small beds. Each one takes up two parking places, and holds a small baby who is hooked up to medical equipment. Nearby is a treatment station, a computer, and a lounge chair for adults.

The beds are separated by flowered curtains that were hung on the metal pipes that line the parking garage's ceiling. No one closes the curtains. There are also hanging screens that are attached to monitors that fill the space with dim beeping.

In the center of the improvised unit are a dialysis cart and another cart that holds equipment for chest drainage. Sometimes, a baby's cry can be heard. It is weak, and starts and stops quickly.

Over bed No. 26 a sign reads: "Abdullah Al-Manar. Date of birth: Feb. 26, 2021. Weight: 1.6 kg (3.52 pounds)." Lamasits on the chair and watches Shani, the nurse, take off Abdullah's cloth diaper, exposing a large incision that runs from his chest to his belly. Shani changes the dressing, rubs cream on it, puts his medicine into the IV bag attached to his small arm, and covers him gently.

In the next bed lies three-month-old Rana, who is recovering from her third open heart surgery, which she underwent two days earlier. On the left is Yazen, a month old, who had a catheterization.

Dr. Evyatar Hubara, 43, a senior doctor on the unit, moves from bed to bed. He slept three hours the night before due to the number of cases.

"The three children from Gaza suffer from complicated heart defects," Hubara explains. "They came to us in serious condition, among other reasons because it took time from when the problem was diagnosed in Gaza until their transfer to us could be coordinated, all the permits received, and that's without changing ambulances at Erez and the bumpy journey. Right now, all three are in an acute stage. We still haven't gotten to the rehabilitation state, which will begin here and continue in Gaza," he says.

Hubara stops by Abdullah's bed and looks at him warmly. "Abdullah was born prematurely and was incorrectly diagnosed in Gaza. The doctors … performed the wrong operation on him when he was two months old. A week after the operation, he began to decline, and a week after that he reached us. In the first few hours we needed to stabilize him and keep his blood pressure steady with medication.

"We started to look into the problem. We did an MRI and other tests. Before every stage, we explained to his mother what we were going to do. She trusted us from the beginning. After we stabilized him, we found that the true defect he was suffering from was an aortic valve stenosis. It turned out that in Gaza they had tried to close the ductus, but closed one of the main arteries by mistake.

"In the insane Israeli reality, we had to protect ourselves against rockets from Gaza along with the babies who come from here," he says.

"I remember one siren that caught me on the unit, before we moved to the parking structure. All the mothers, Jewish and Arab, just grabbed their babies – the ones that weren't hooked up to machines – and ran to a safe space. I shouted, 'We have time, 90 seconds, go slowly so you won't fall with the kids.' Everyone gathered around in the safe space. Staff members and patients, Jews and Arabs together. The shocking sight of the mothers who ran there with their babies doesn't leave me," Hubara recalls. Not all the mothers were able to take their babies to a safe space. Abdullah, Rana, and Yazen, as well as another 12 Israeli babies, are on respiratory equipment, and they were unprotected during the first rocket alerts. This is why the hospital administration decided to move the entire department from the sixth floor to the underground parking garage. Here, the sirens can't even be heard.

We go with Lama, Raida, and Samira into the staff room, located at the exit. The room has a big refrigerator full of popsicles donated to the children and the staff who care for them. Every few minutes, a parent or a staff member comes in and takes one.

About a year ago, when the COVID pandemic was still raging in Israel, a COVID unit opened in this same parking structure to ease the mass of patients that was overwhelming the hospitals. That event seems like ancient history, and the only thing that remains of it are the letters of thanks stuck to the door. It seems as if this is the last place in the country where people are careful to wear masks, and wear them properly.

The three Gaza women are embarrassed. They aren't used to being interviewed. All three are wearing abayas, long dresses that include head coverings, as well as hijabs and surgical masks. Since they arrived in Israel, they have been sleeping here, on the unit, in the recliner chairs next to their children's beds. They are also given meals. Once every few days, they allow themselves to go upstairs and shower. None of them speaks any language other than Arabic, with the exception of a few words of Hebrew or English. Moshe Ravid, 26, a nursing student from Jaffa and a volunteer with the Shevet Achim organization, translates.

Raida (Umm Ahmad), 48, is from Khan Younis. She is Rana's grandmother, a housewife and mother of six.

"My daughter-in-law, Rana's mother, came to Israel with her in February, two weeks after she was born," she says. "After two weeks, she was tired and not feeling well. Because she has a four-year-old at home, she called me and asked me to switch with her. She went back to Gaza, and since then, I've been here. Three months already. This is my first time in Israel."

Q: Were you afraid?

"No, why should I be afraid? My husband worked in Bat Yam for 20 years. Every day, he went from Gaza to Bat Yam, until the disengagement in 2005. After that, he found work in Gaza. He told me that there are good people in Israel, that everyone here is all right."

Abdullah's mother Lama, 36, is wearing a brown abaya accessorized with a shining silver star. Her smartphone has a pink cover. She works in a laboratory, and her husband is a producer for Palestinian television in Gaza. She has two other sons, 11 and six, at home, as well as a three-and-a-half-year-old daughter.

"My mother had cancer. She went to Israel to be treated, and recovered," Lama says. "She told me that everything is good here. When Abdullah's condition got worse, the doctor recommended that we come to Israel. My husband reached out to Shevet Achim. Now he and my mother are watching the three other kids at home."

Q: What do you tell your families about what is happening here?

Lama: "They're afraid for us, and we're afraid for them. When they call to hear how we are, I answer, 'Al Hamdullah,' so they won't be scared and worry, and when I call to ask how they are, they say the same thing. We talk about the boy, how he ate, how much he ate, how much he slept. "I tell them that the doctors here are good, that they treat us well, answer all our questions. I tell them that the food is excellent, that the women have nice clothes, about their hairstyles. I like the fashion in Israel, and the grilled chicken breast and salad they serve at the hospital."

Raida: "The medical staff thinks only about the children – whether their condition has improved, what they ate, how they slept. We sit next to their beds, don't know how they'll be from one moment to the next, whether they'll get better at all."

Q: Do they send you pictures of the strikes on Gaza?

"They send me pictures of the special Ramadan sweets," Raida answers, with a smile.

Samira, 62, is the grandmother of Yazen, who is only a month old. "I have nine grown children, and my son has four children other than Yazen. Their mother needs to take care of them, so they asked me to accompany the child. At home, when we talk about Israel, we only talk about the medical treatment we want to get here."

Moshe, the translator, tells them in Arabic not to be frightened, that they can speak freely. They all answer at once: "We aren't afraid, we're speaking honestly. Everyone wants peace. We want it to be all right."

Samira: "Inshallah, things will calm down. We aren't dealing with politics."

Q: What did you do when people in Gaza fired rockets toward this area?

Raida: "What everyone else did. The nurses took us to a safe place. The babies stayed on the unit, hooked up to respirators. I was worried about them, that they were alone, but everyone calmed us down, said that it would all be fine."

Lama: "We tried to talk to the other people in the safe area, without understanding one another. Everyone wants to know how the other's child is doing. He's sorry about my son, and I'm sorry about his."

Q: Did your families leave their homes because of the airstrikes?

Raida: "No. Everyone is in his own home."

Q: Are any of your family members involved in the fighting?

All three shake their heads, no. "Not everyone in Gaza enlists in the army," Raida says. "My husband worked in Israel. Half of Gaza used to work in Israel. You must have seen the workers who would come from Gaza."

Samira: "My father and my husband used to work in Israel."

Q: When are you going home?

Raida's eyes fill with tears. "Rana's chest is still open from the last surgery. I'm sitting with you and laughing, but my heart is crying. So I'm telling you that my every thought is for the baby. That's our situation."

Lama: "Today, Dr. Evytar said that Abdullah has an infection in his right lung, which was good. Until now he had one in his left lung. I hope it works out. I'll go back to Gaza when he gets better, but I don't know when."

Hospital Director Dr. Itai Pessach says that every year, the center treats about 500 children from Gaza and another 2,700 children from the Palestinian Authority. "They range in age from a week to 18. Some of the children arrive through the Shevet Achim organization, and others through our own coordinator."

"During the last military operation, our doctor colleagues in Gaza reached out to us about children in serious condition, and we fought to bring them to Israel during the operation. Unfortunately, we didn't succeed, and that's very sad. I'm happy we're getting back to normal," Pessach says.

According to Pessach, "we don't see any difference between a child who comes from Gaza, Nablus, or Tiberias. Our treatment looks at all the child's needs, including emotional needs and school work at the school that operates on the hospital grounds. A year ago, a nine-year-old boy with cancer arrived from Gaza who didn't know how to read and write. He returned to Gaza last month, after a year-long hospitalization, healthy and knowing how to read and write in Hebrew, Arabic, and even English."

Q: How did the patients respond to this during the Gaza fighting?

"A family from Gaza arrived two days before the operation started, and we diagnosed their son with a rare disease, one that only seven children in Israel have. By chance, two rooms away there was a Haredi family with a child who had been diagnosed with the same disease two months ago. While the rockets were falling, the Haredi mother insisted on meeting the mother from Gaza and teaching her everything she knew about the disease and how to treat it."

"There is a truly shared fate here. They feel that they're fighting against something bigger than rockets. To get better, a patient needs to feel secure, and that's what we're doing. A hospital is a home for all the patients.

"I'm happy to say that the external tensions didn't creep into the work. There was no tension between the staff and the patients. The good of the patient always comes before everything else. Even at administration meetings – everyone put aside their own political views and we managed to provide a quality medical response and protect the safety of the staff and patients," Pessach says.

The funding for the Gaza children's treatment comes mainly from donors – mostly American Christians, and some Israelis.

"Saving the life of the child is an entire world," says Jonathan Miles, founder of Shevet Achim. Miles arrive in Israel from the US in the 1990s, as a journalist, and started to volunteer with the group Christian Friends of Israel.

"We welcomed Russian immigrants to Israel. We wanted them to understand that the Jewish people have friends in the world. One day a mother from Ukraine whose child's life was in danger came to me. She had no money for medical treatment, and she begged me to help. I started raising money to help him. Wizo helped a lot, as did other people, both Jews and Christians.

"After that, I heard about sick babies in Gaza, and in 1994 I founded the organization. We bring children from Muslim states to Israel for treatment."

Amar Shami, 32, who coordinates the transfer of children from Gaza to Israel for Shevet Achim, lives in Jerusalem.

"The families who go back to Gaza tell each other about the treatment in Israel," he says. "One mother tells another. When the child has a problem, they reach out to me. Sometimes the doctors reach out directly." Q: What goes through your mind while you're busy providing treatment and rockets are flying outside?

"Inside the hospital, we detach. We only want to help them. When you go out you realize that reality is different. We hope that when the families from Gaza go home, they will sort of be our emissaries, say good things about Israel."

The night that the ceasefire between Israel and Hamas took effect, Rana's heart stopped beating, despite the doctors' best efforts. Her grandmother, Raida, left the hospital weeping. She was driven to a Shevet Achim apartment in Jaffa. When Erez crossing opened, she returned to Gaza with Rana's coffin.

[goldenmaybank]

no strings ~ scout’s writing challenge

pairing: jj maybank x reader

summary: jj and y/n have had a no strings attached agreement for years, but that statement couldn’t be farther from the truth.

warnings: swearing, cheating, implied sex, and slight fluff 

word count: 2.2k

this is my entry for @ptersparkers​ writing challenge! hope you all enjoy :)

no strings attached. that was the agreement we made back in freshman year. it's now junior year and that agreement still stands. no feelings involved, just pure fun, but how do you not fall for his big blue eyes and bright smile. it was only meant to be for one night, but one night soon turned into two then three and now i've lost count how many nights we've spent together. almost every night for this past year he’s slept in my bed under my silk sheets with our bodies intertwined with one another. i constantly convince myself it's nothing more than having fun but every time i hear his name i get butterflies and whenever he's near me my heart starts to beat a million times faster. i try to convince myself it's not love, but after being with someone in that way for three years it's impossible for it not to turn into that. but clearly it's possible for him at least. that's why i don't say anything and continue to hide my true feelings because i know he doesn't feel the same way as me and probably never will. i stay up every night with him on my mind and thoughts of what we could be consumes my every thought.

freshman year was the hardest of them all mainly because jj had a girlfriend at the time. i know what i did was wrong but the taste of his lips and the way he touched me that first night was so captivating. i knew from that moment i would never be able to let him go. i tried not to get sucked into him and his player ways, but soon the second night happened and from then it was history. we would meet every thursday night at my place at midnight. he was never late and it made me wonder if he craved my touch as bad as i craved his. we would walk past each other in the streets like we barely knew each other when in reality he knew every curve and mark on my body.

sophomore year was easier than the last since he no longer was with his girlfriend, but also harder because that's when i started catching feelings for him. now since he was single, we could actually be seen together, but still had to be cautious since i was a kook. i never understood the rivalry between the kooks and pogues, but i knew if any of the kooks found out i was with jj all hell would break loose. me and sarah were known as the kook princesses, and since she was dating topper, everyone expected me to date a kook too. before i met jj, i went on a few dates with rafe since thats who my parents wanted me to be with, but after realizing all kook guys are self absorbed assholes, i knew i could never be with any of them. the only kook i can tolerate is sarah, and at times she can even be blinded by the things topper tells her. a couple months into freshman year, i already started to get suffocated at the kook academy and went to the beach to escape, which is where i met kie. the moment i met her we instantly clicked and she invited me to the kegger that they were having that night. thats when i met the rest of the pogues, including jj. we spent the whole night attached at the hip drinking and laughing together. soon enough the guest room at the cheateu was filled with nothing but the sound of our moans. that was the first of many nights we spent there together. 

almost every single day i would meet jj by the beach to spend time with him. whether we were surfing, hanging out on the hms pogue with the others, or eating at the wreck, i just loved being around him. although we weren't together people acted like we were. kie would always say we were unofficially official. soon enough our every thursday night meet-ups became every thursday and friday meet-ups and eventually every night meet-ups. we spent every night together at my place until my parents found out and we needed a new place, so we started hanging out at the chateau.

junior year has been the best one so far. jj and i hung out more in public not caring what anyone else would think and gone on what he calls "non-dates" even though it's exactly what dates are. he's met my younger sister and she absolutely adores him, which now makes me wish we never got our families involved in this since i know he doesn't reciprocate my feelings. i've spent so much time with him that i feel almost empty not being in his arms at night. he knows everything about me and i know everything about him. we've shared all of our secrets and deepest thoughts with each other. i've seen his vulnerable side so much that it's almost impossible for me not to fall in love with him. he's opened up to me and let me in more than anyone else in his life even his best friends. every night is something new with him and i never want it to stop even though i know inevitably it will.

"you remember the second night you stayed at my place and you got scared of my dog" i said laughing as we laid next to each other on my bed talking about our favorite memories together.

"look in my defense, your dog is huge and she woke me up out of my sleep." jj said chuckling slightly.

"she was just being friendly and you wouldn't stop screaming. almost woke up my damn parents."

"don't act like you haven't almost woken up john b before with your clumsy ass. you almost knocked over his whole desk trying to get into the room."

"i'm sorry i'm not an expert at climbing through windows like you."

"well when you've had a lot of practice you know how to." he said cockily.

"oh shut up." he laughed as i tiredly punched his arm, "you know damn well i was the first window you came through." i said sassily.

"you're right. you were."

"wait really? so jj maybank has never snuck into another girl's house before? i'm surprised."

"why?" he asked as he turns his body towards me and moves me so i face him.

"i don't know i guess with your reputation i thought you would've been with a bunch of girls before me."

"you wanna know the truth? you're the first girl i've ever slept with."

"wait what?" i sat up against the headboard looking at him confusingly, "what about your ex or all those tourons you would flirt with?"

"all we would do is flirt and make out a little, but it never went any further. either i was always drunk or they were and i never wanted that to be my first time, you know? and with my ex we were only fourteen and dated for a few months. i told you before i never really felt anything for her. it was all just so i could know what it felt like to be a boyfriend.”

“but we were only fourteen, when we..”

“i know, but it was different with you. you are different.”

"so, that means you were a virgin when we first-"

"yup." he said admittedly.

"wow. well i couldn't tell." i joked.

jj looked at me and chuckled slightly, but i could tell something was off with him. his eyes didn't have the same brightness as usual.

"what's wrong?"

"what do you mean? nothings wrong."

"jj, you can't lie to me. i've known you for way too long and i know when somethings wrong, so what's up."

"i don't know. i-" he sighs deeply as he looks at up at me, "it's just- is that what you think of me? that i'm just some player who fucks any girl that throws herself at me."

"what? no. of course not. i just assumed-"

"because that's not who i ever wanted to be." he said cutting me off, "i never wanted to be like- like my dad, you know?” he says as he looks down at his hands, fiddling with them, “as much as he claims he loved her, he treated my mom like shit. he would get drunk and mess around with a bunch of women because he could never commit. i never wanted to be like that. i never wanted to make a girl feel the way my mom felt. she was so heartbroken when he would come back home smelling of perfume and lie to her face. eventually, she had enough of it and just got up and left. kinda wish she took me with her. but i told myself i would never be like that and then i realized i was. back in freshman year when i cheated on my ex-"

"with me" i looked at him sympathetically understanding why what i said bothered him so much, "look, j you're nothing like your dad. i know i've never met him but from what you told me about him you two are completely different people. you’re nothing like that cheating, abusive asshole, okay? you're such a sweet, kindhearted person who always puts others before yourself, especially when it comes to your friends. i've never seen someone care so much about others than you. you have such a pure, kind soul and nothing will ever change that. i know you cheated on her with me and it probably wasn't the right choice, but it sure as hell wasn't a mistake and i won't call it that. being with you was never a mistake for me and i hope you feel the same about it but this" i say as i motion between us, "will never be something that i regret. i know i've said this before but i believe that this was meant to be and we were meant to find each other. the circumstance might not have been the best, but i found you and that's all that matters. you're nothing like him and never will be."

we both laid in silence looking up at the ceiling while raindrops hit the window softly. i started to wonder if maybe i said something wrong or said too much. i feel so deeply for him and whenever he tries to put himself down it breaks my heart. in my eyes he's the perfect guy despite all his faults. sometimes i think one day i'll tell him how i feel and scare him off which is the last thing i want to do. i want to be able to have these moments with him for as long as i can.

"you know, i want to get married before i have kids." jj said breaking the silence.

"that's random, but alright." i said giggling.

"i was just thinking about my parents and they had me before they even thought of marriage. i think that's where they could've went wrong. maybe if they would've taken the time to actually bound their love together before having a kid, they could've lasted longer. after they had me he could never commit fully because of all the responsibility, so maybe if they already took that step to "finalize" their love he would've stayed." he said shrugging.

"well i always wanted to have kids before i get married because i want my kids to be apart of my wedding."

"i guess we could just have two weddings then."

"huh?" i said confusingly finally looking at him.

he looks back at me and sighs, "yeah, i mean since you want one before and i want one after, we can just have two. we have the real one before and then we can renew our vows and have a second wedding with our kids so they can experience it with us."

"so, we're gonna get married and have kids?" i said smirking at him.

"i-i mean i guess. obviously only if you want to." jj said blushing as he started to look anywhere but at me.

i grab his face so he's looking at me, "i would love to, jj."

we both smile at each other as he pulls me closer to him connecting our lips. when we pull apart, i cuddle up into his chest as we continue to lie in silence. i feel my heart flutter as i feel his hands rub my back soothing me. being in his arms felt like home and i only hope he feels the same. as i start to think about how it would be if we were actually dating, the same words he would always say when we started this repeat in my mind "this is only for fun. no strings attached. no feelings. just pure fun." maybe that's all this will truly ever be, just fun, and that's the thought i have before falling asleep in his arms.

×

when i know she's asleep, i just stay awake and admire how she looks in the moment. even sleeping she has a slight smile on her face, which makes me wonder what she's dreaming about. sometimes i wish it was me she's dreaming about even though i know it's not. "just for fun" i remind myself of the words i said but that couldn't have been more of a lie, especially now more than ever. of course what we had was fun, but it was way more than that.

"i love you" i say as i kiss her forehead and wrap my arms tighter around her soon falling asleep as well.

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Fifteen)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Fourteen ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ Chapter Sixteen

Marnie pov.

I walk into the record company, finding a very young guy at the front desk, probably the intern. Encumbered with phone calls and notes, I wait for him to finish everything before speaking. His lost eyes soon find me and he smiles sympathetically.

“Hi Marnie, Luke is in studio three.” he whispers quickly, getting back on the phone.

I smile in thanks, heading down the hallway he's pointed out. I didn't think it would be so easy. The noise coming from behind the door to studio three startles me. The boys are laughing and screaming so loud, it amazes me that no one came to complain.

I knock on the door twice, hard, to try to get their attention over that area. A guy in a cap opens the door, revealing a room with at least eight people inside.

Luke is the first to jump out of his chair, coming over to me, grinning hugely, pulling me into the room. Ash gets up too, following close behind.

“Sorry for interrupting, but I needed to talk to you.” I look at Luke, who agrees. I pull him out of the room as I hear Irwin complain.

"A disregard for my friendship. Before, she used to come here to see me, not to see you, you empty-headed bunch.”

"She never came to see you." Hood opposes.

I ignore the pre school fight, focusing on the tall blonde in front of me. I lean against the wall, letting him get closer.

Luke had spent Friday night with me, taking care of me. We also spent Saturday morning together, just existing on the couch. That was definitely a very good point for both of us and it really strengthened our relationship. It also didn't make him leave my thoughts, earning him the title of the cutest guy I know.

Never would Stephen do that to me, even because when I was bad he didn't even come close, not wanting to “catch my bad energy”.

“You forgot that at home.” I give his coat, trying to hide it was against my will deliver it so easily.

I saw the coat the second Hemmo left the house, but when the perfume enveloped me, I decided for my own good, to just keep it for a little while, spending day and night in it. Luke stares at me with a raised eyebrow before taking the coat from my hands, smiling.

“Funny, I really missed it, but yesterday, I saw it in your stories, so I didn't worry anymore.” I roll my eyes, feeling my cheeks heat up. "Let me enjoy that you still don't hate me today."

“Too late.” I interrupt him, biting my lip.

"I wonder if I can pick you up, so we can go to the Troubadour together."

The boys are playing there today, for the Friends of Friends event, and I was particularly excited, it would be the first time I would see them play live. “First time”.

I wrinkle my forehead and look around, pretending I was thinking about it. Luke looks at me in disbelief, holding back his laughter. I pout, shaking my head.

"I think you can! Yes, you can. I allow.” I press my lips together, wanting not to laugh.

“Oh God, you.” he shakes his head, looking away. I let out my laugh. "Can I pick you up at 7pm? I need to be at the Troubadour at least an hour before the show.”

“Of course! No problems. Go! Now I need to talk to Ash.” I push him back to the door.

“It's about my birthday, isn't it?” he opens an excited smile.

I dissolve my expression, wanting to hit him. Damn it, he knows. I feel the surprise party going straight down the drain, but I don't want to give in to it.

“No! The world doesn't revolve around you, Hemmings.” I cross my arm, teasing him.

“It's about my birthday! Alright, I'm going to pretend I don't know anything.” he takes two leaps into place happily.

“My God, I hate you.” I hide my face, sighing. I can't believe he screwed up his own surprise party.

“Hey.” I hear his voice close. I take my hands away from my face, finding his very close. His lips steal a kiss from me, quickly.

“Go away!” I pick up my bag, hitting him.

Luke walks into the studio laughing, yelling at Ash that I've been waiting. I walk around the hallway, wanting to wipe the stupid smile off my face. I hide my face again, returning to the scene that just happened about 50 times, at least.

“Say it!” Ash approaches.

“I hate him!” I point to the studio, taking a deep breath.

“Of course you do! And the sky is green. I can see how much you hate him, by that silly smile on your face.” Irwin raises an eyebrow.

"Don't make me use my purse against you too." I scare away the latest happenings, focusing on what mattered. "Do you have the ring?" he hands me a silver ring set with a black stone.

“Quickly, because he's already noticed he's gone.” I nod, still analyzing the jewelry.

"I'm going right now and tonight I'll return you at the Troubadour." I keep the piece in my bag. "All set for Friday?" he nodded. "You know he knows, don't you? How did he find out?”

“Behind that stupid face, he's smart sometimes.” I roll my eyes at my friend, laughing. “Seriously, if you pay attention, sometimes it feels like there's an elevator song playing in his head. Especially when he's standing staring at something.” I laugh when Ash decides to imitate Luke, staring blankly at the wall.

“You guys are terrible. Well, I'll be on my way, see you later.” I give a kiss on his cheek.

Thursday is Luke's birthday and I, more than anyone, want it to be a perfect day. Also, I want to give him a nice present that somehow doesn't involve my body, as I apparently did before.

Searching the internet, I found a store in east LA that sold some jewelry that I thought would be to his taste. I was going after a box with five rings and three necklaces, which looked like they were made for Luke.

If I could, I would advance the time, just to give the gift soon. I just want to see his face and hope he likes it the way I think it will.

I walk past reception, waving goodbye to the poor receptionist who still seemed tangled up with the phones. Interns.

"Marnie?" I turn around when I hear my name. The man in the dress shirt, who had just passed me, approaches smiling.

“Yes?” I look at him confused.

“Of course, you don't remember. Sorry! I'm John, 5sos’ tour manager. How are you?”

“Oh! I'm great, thanks.” I soften my posture. Being Luke's girlfriend, I must have seen John a thousand times.

"It was quite a scare. I'm relieved you're okay.” I smile gratefully at the concern. "Would you have a minute for us to talk?"

Luke pov.

I lean against the car, waiting for Marnie to get out. I take a deep breath, trying not to let the anxiety get the better of me. We've practically spent the weekend together, we're getting closer, she's letting her guard down with every second we spend together, letting me fight to win her back, and yet here I am, shaking like a stick, as if it was the first time we went out together.

"Pathetic!" I say to myself, not accepting being like this.

We dated for two years, it's not like she was a stranger. I know her better than she does. I already know everything she likes, how she's going to react to every move I make and even then, I'm terrified of doing something wrong.

When I realized I was falling in love again with every detail of her, I didn't think that insecurity would come back with it. In fact, I thought it would be better than the first time, that I would be more confident and secure. But it’s Marnie I'm talking about, she eliminates any security and logic in me.

I twirl the little ring through my fingers, noticing how cold and sweaty my hand was. Yes, that human being not five feet tall, can mess with me.

I hear the door unlock, prompting me to put the ring away quickly. Marnie steps in front of me, walking around with open arms. I give her the dumbest smile.

“So? Am I OK?” she stretches out her Friends of Friends hoddie proudly.

"You look spectacular." I sigh, feeling my heart race.

"Not really, it was a little old thing that was in the back of my closet." she laughs, sounding like her mother last week. I blink a few times, trying to disguise the stupid face I must be making.

“You really look fantastic.” I say before holding her body against mine. I sink my nose into her neck, taking in all of her scent, letting into my bloodstream, fueling the butterflies in my stomach, along with the touch of her skin against mine, even with the clothes between us.

I ease my grip, releasing her, but her body remains pinned to mine and she pulls me back, squeezing me tighter. The action takes me by surprise. Not that I didn't want to hold her, I could live the rest of my life here, in her arms. But that indicated something was wrong.

“Is it everything OK?” I whisper, overcome with worry. Marnie just nods, affirming, or rather lying to me. She's not fine.

Her body pulls away and I see a sad glint in her eyes. My body tenses, seeing that fake smile take her lips, unlike the one she gave just minutes ago. My face hardens, realizing she was acting.

“Marnie…” I start my speech to say that she could tell me anything, but she interrupts me.

“We're late, we need to go. Let's go!” she dodges around me, heading for the car door.

I sigh, seeing that I won't be able to get anything out of her today. As far as I know, she doesn't want to spoil the night and will hold it off until the end. I hate when she does that. Keep everything to herself, without the slightest need, we can share the problem and even the pain, that's what a couple does, they support each other.

We left the building, taking the expressway to get there faster. Marnie babbles about her excitement to see the band play live. Normally, I love to hear and see her talk too much. Seeing her eyes flashing rapidly, her tongue getting tangled up in some difficult word, or seeing her start to laugh before she can get the funny part out. Her clumsy hands, moving quickly until she managed to drop something.

But now, I can only move my head automatically, still with my mind on her bad performance from before. Until this morning everything was fine, she was excited and happy. Until minutes ago she was happy. But now it's just a facade covering something I can't quite make out what it is.

She didn't argue with Leah, because the gossip didn't get through to me, and I'm sure Noah would have let me know by now, so we can set the process for the two of them to make up. I didn't see anything on the internet that could have messed with her. Unless something happened during the photo shoot.

"Luke?" I look quickly at her, who was looking at me amused. “Are you OK?” now she was the one asking.

“Yeah! Sorry, I daydreamed a bit. Thinking about everything I need to do getting there. What did you say?” I try to push my worry away, focusing solely on her, which is what I cared about.

"I asked if you're going to play my song?" my cheeks heat up. She knows?

"What song?" I question carefully.

“The one made for me, Amnesia.” I stop at the light, staring at her mischievous smile. This one is not fake.

"You didn't make that joke." I say disappointed. Marnie laughs beside me. “I refuse to accept that you made such a horrible joke. Marnie, you were not like that.” I shake my head.

“It was good, you can't deny it.” she pulls my hand into her lap. I freeze from the movement, feeling my skin tingle.

“It was terrible and it insults me somehow. I taught you wonderful jokes.” her fake, forced laugh catches my attention as I accelerate.

"I hear your jokes are horrible." I look quickly at her, who's sitting sideways, her head leaning back against the bench. Shit, she is so beautiful.

“This is a huge lie.” her laugh fills the car again.

The mood gets better the rest of the way. I still have my mind hammering at that moment, but I leave it for later, as she probably would. We entered through the back of the Troubadour, meeting everyone in the hallway and dressing room.

I hold her hand, pulling her close to me as we walk into the crowd. As I expected, M&Ms become the center of everything, everyone wants to say hello to her and see if she really was okay. I leave her for a few seconds in everyone's company, pulling Ashton and Leah aside.

"Do you guys know if something happened to Marnie?" They deny it. "Didn't you discuss?"

“No! In fact, I'm missing it.” Leah turns her face away, watching M&Ms laugh among the crowd. “What there was?” she looks at me again. I resume the scene for the two of them.

“She was fine when she left the record company.” Ash reinforces my thinking.

"I didn't know anything about today's photo shoot." Leah adds. "You don't think Stephen might have shown up again, do you? Or even that bitch? Bethany?” I shake my head.

Stephen had to be really, really dumb to show up to Marnie after she said she knew everything. And Bethany never tried to talk to her after what happened, I doubt she would try now.

“I'm sure she doesn't want to say anything yet so as not to spoil the night, we know how she is.” Leah rolls her eyes, she also hates such an attitude. “But later on, she might tell what happened and right away it will be with one of the three of us.”

"If she says anything later, I'll talk to you." Hastings warns.

I thank the brunette, who quickly rejoins Marnie. I watch her extend her still-in-a-cast arm for them to sign in the few empty spaces.

I quickly prepare for the show so I can stay with her for a few more seconds before taking the stage. I position myself behind her, who was sitting on the arm of the sofa, letting her body lean against mine. I watch for her hand moving up to her shoulder, placing it under mine. I drop a kiss to her pink hair, watching her lean her head back further, looking up at me with a beautiful smile.

Shit, I'm so in love with her.

Minutes after a lot of mess, we got ready for the stage. Marnie comes to me before running to their place. I adjust the guitar, opening my arms to her, who comes bouncing.

"How much have you had to drink?" I ask, laughing, looking at her rosy cheeks.

“Just a little.” It hangs around my neck. “I promise not to pick a fight with anyone." she laughs.

“Thanks! I feel more relaxed.”

“Good show!” she wish me, stealing a kiss like I did earlier.

Marnie escapes my arms like sand, running to the door and running away hand in hand with Leah. I rub my face hard, not accepting how she can move me so much.

I approach the guys, doing our circle like every time we go on stage.

The lights blind me for a few seconds and soon I can see that sea of ​​people ecstatic to see us there. Ashton takes the lead, thanking everyone in advance for their presence and explaining why we're there.

I position myself at the microphone, ready to start singing Youngblood. Before I give the cue, I look upstairs, seeing her cotton candy hair watching me with a mixture of admiration and sadness. I blink at her, who smiles lightly and without strength. I play the chord, trying to focus my attention on the show and the new song I'm going to sing for her next, but all that goes around my head is: What's going on, Marnie?

OMG! Luke's new music video, am I right?