#i technically broke the meme rules but oh well

[mvriia-blog]

have you ever regretted creating that newborn army

send me “have you evers” and I can only reply with “yes” or “no”

‘ — no.’ 

[melatovnik]

ok ur top faves wangxian fics go

hey yati! 🥰️

alright, so first things first, here’s a big wangxian fic rec list i made a while ago, if you wanna check that one out too! consider the list below part 2. these are all my faves so far since my last rec list (as you'll quickly see, i have a LOT of faves).

and just a fyi/psa/disclaimer for anyone reading this: some of these fics have disturbing themes and/or kinky/freaky sex! make sure to check the authors’ tags and notes before reading. also, much like my first rec list, there’s going to be a mix of mdzs and cql canon, characterizations, dynamics, etc., so bear that in mind.

....ok GO

live from new york by varnes | rated E | 87K words | THE snl au fic!!!! yes, by snl i mean saturday night live. this is perhaps the best and funniest story i've ever read, period. varnes is a fucking genius. read this fic.

Wei Ying lets out a long, ugly groan. “I am fine, Lan Zhan. Everybody is overreacting, it’s so embarrassing for all of you.”

“You had undiagnosed pneumonia, which you walked around with for weeks until you passed out during dress,” Lan Wangji corrects him. “It got a big laugh, until everyone thought you were dead.”

He keeps his voice even and does not tell Wei Ying that it had been Lan Wangji who caught him, who called the ambulance, and who rode with him to the hospital, where he was yelled at by nurses who wanted to know why he hadn’t noticed that Wei Ying couldn’t stop shivering or string proper sentences together.

“Rumors of my demise have been vastly overstated,” Wei Ying says. “Anyway, I’m already feeling much better. Basically fine. Really almost completely back to normal, so stop babying me and tell me why the fuck you let your stupid brother hire the worst man in the world to host our show.”

-

OR: the one where they all work at SNL, Yanli's ex-boyfriend is hosting, and that's just the beginning of everybody's problems.

swiss cheese theory by varnes | rated M | 19K words | sequel to snl au fic!!!!!! another must-read.

The Swiss Cheese model of accident causation likens human system defences to a series of slices of randomly-holed Swiss Cheese arranged vertically and parallel to each other with gaps in-between each slice. Defences against failure are modelled as a series of barriers, represented as slices of the cheese. The holes in the cheese slices represent individual weaknesses in individual parts of the system. The system as a whole produces failures when holes in all of the slices momentarily align, permitting "a trajectory of accident opportunity," so that a hazard passes through holes in all of the defences, leading to an accident.

OR: Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian go to the courthouse.

OR: “Sweethearts,” the city clerk had said, very gently, “you’re already married.”

best friends forever by varnes | rated T | 17K words | alright, so like, strictly speaking, wangxian isn't the focus of this fic, BUT. this fic is so good!! it is seriously so good, and it made me fall in love with jin ling/lan jingyi. also, it's varnes, so read it!

It happened like this: Jin Ling was a sect leader now, which was, and Jingyi really meant this, fucking hilarious. There were few things funnier, in his honest opinion.

Because he was young, and inexperienced, and also — it had to be said — a real shithead, there was apparently some belief amongst his advisors that the best way forward, to promote the picture of a stable, mature sect leader who absolutely did not cry at the drop of a hat, was for Jin Ling to get married.

-

OR: Jin Ling and Jingyi get engaged.

Things spiral from there.

For a Good Time, Call by ScarlettStorm | rated E | 171K words

The picture is of Wei Ying, that much is clear. It’s of a lot more of Wei Ying than Lan Zhan is used to seeing. He supposes that, technically, Wei Ying is dressed. It’s a bare technicality, since one of Wei Ying’s hands has rucked up his black tank top practically to his collarbone, showing a long expanse of abdomen and one nipple. Sweat beads on his sternum, catching the light like jewels. His other hand is--Lan Zhan feels his eyes widen, as though unable to look away from a train wreck--on his hip, one thumb tugging down the waistband of a pair of red briefs. Wei Ying is biting his lower lip and looking directly into the camera, sultry, his eyes dark and inviting. His erection is obvious, outlined against the red of the briefs and framed carefully with the hand on his hip. Lan Zhan’s brain goes wildly, screamingly blank.

Or: Lan Zhan accidentally finds his best friend's OnlyFans account and has an ongoing emotional crisis.

love, in fire and blood by cicer | rated E | 360K words | i actually haven't finished this one since i was reading it when it was a WIP, i need to reread it and catch up fjdskl;fjsd, but i love it very much!!!!!! oh my god he wanted to look nice for his husband..... 🙃 [screams with mouth closed]

"You want Wen Ruohan dead," the Patriarch continued idly. "You want his corpse puppets eliminated. You want his halls burned to the ground and his soldiers disemboweled and begging for mercy. Have I about covered it?"

He gave another knife-edged smile.

"But what will you give me in return?"

"We would be willing to offer quite a bit in return for Wen Ruohan's defeat," Lan Xichen admitted. "But I'm afraid we don't know what an immortal such as yourself desires. Please advise us."

The Patriarch waved at hand at the front of the tent. "I want Second Young Master Lan."

(In which the Sunshot Campaign ends through an arranged marriage to the Yiling Patriarch, and Lan Wangji suffers the mortifying ordeal of falling in love with his own husband.)

how to fall in love with a catfish: a guide by wei wuxian (disaster rat) by bwyn & Yuisaki | rated T | 55K words

A new plan hatches in Wei Wuxian’s head. If this nocturnal, bottom-feeding, slimy, invasive mudcat posing as a beautiful actor thinks he can sway Wei Wuxian with animal pictures and a sob story and an unbelievably stilted way of texting with still no dick pictures in the first five minutes of conversation, he has another thing coming. Wei Wuxian’s got it, alright, he has this in the fucking bag.

~

Wei Wuxian plots to expose a catfish using strategic memes and turtle pictures while wiggling his way out of family dinner. Lan Wangji just wants companions.

there’s no promised goodbye here by Yuisaki | rated T | 54K words

Jiang Cheng stares at him. “Didn’t you say you broke up five months ago?”

“Yeah.”

“So why do you have a picture of you two kissing taped to your fridge?”

“Because we’re too broke for magnets,” Wei Wuxian explains, then considers that statement. “Well, I’m too broke for magnets. Lan Zhan probably refuses to buy them because he’s trying to have lofty ideas about the moral failings of materialism.”

~

Wei Wuxian navigates the trials of living with his ex-boyfriend in apartment 1301.

paint smears on sunny days by SnowshadowAO3 | rated E | 54K words

To say that he runs to his car would be incorrect, as he is a Lan, and running is both undignified and unnecessary unless in immediate danger. Nor does he slam his key into the ignition, or aggressively swerve around the cars on the freeway, or have a mild panic attack at the fact he is picking A-Yuan up late from school for the first time ever.

He comes close, though.

By the time he arrives, it’s 4:35PM, and he has imagined about fifty different worse-case scenarios. The door is partly open when he gets to it, a messy label of 104B—Art Room scrawled with chalk on a placard next to the faded wood. As he opens it fully, he expects to see a wailing, terrified child, or perhaps a scene of utter misery and betrayal.

What he finds is his son, hands covered in paint, being sung to by a beautiful, dark-haired stranger.

“Ducks live in the pond, yellow ducks, happy ducks!”

Lan Wangji stops in his tracks.

(Or: Falling in love with your son’s art teacher, in five parts)

a paper friend by sunzu | rated G | 5K words

Lan Wangji finds a paperman far from its body and helps get it home.

-Or-

Lan Wangji unknowingly meets Wei Wuxian for the first time.

All Caught Up by brooklinegirl | rated E | 37K words

"Betrothed," Wei Ying says indignantly.

Lan Wangji can't stop his gaze from darting up to him. Wei Ying understands. Wei Ying is looking at him, wide-eyed and upset on his behalf.

"And you don't even like her," Wei Ying says.

"I don't even know her," Lan Wangji says quietly.

"But even if you did—" Wei Ying starts.

"I wouldn't want this," Lan Wangji finishes.

Lead Me On Through by mrsronweasley | rated E | 55K words | oh look another canon-era practice kissing fic fjdskfl;ds

"Who do you think your betrothed is?" Wei Wuxian asks, sprawling out in front of Lan Zhan and enjoying the prim thinning of his lips at the question. He shouldn't be sprawling—they're in the library, for one, and Lan Zhan is studying, for another—but he can't help himself. Wei Wuxian is a sprawler.

"I do not believe this to be of importance," Lan Zhan responds, without turning his gaze away from his book.

"What!" Wei Wuxian sits up. "How can you say that? Of course it's important! This is the person you'll be with for the rest of your life, Lan Zhan."

I Started From the Bottom/And Now I'm Rich by x_los | rated E | 58K words | ok so i know that in my spiel above i said to mind the tags, etc., but actually pay no mind to the first two relationship tags for this fic. i PROMISE that this isn't that sort of dead dove fic fjdksl;fjs;lifkj. i. it. it's wangxian. don't sweat it. don't even trip. just—this fic fucking rules. it's completely insane and it slaps. wei ying is a girlboss and a bitch and i like her So Much

“First, you get the money. Then you get the power, respect - hos come last.”

Wen Qing traps Wei Wuxian in the Demon Slaughtering Cave, but Wei Wuxian isn’t interested in being the beneficiary of the Wen Remnants’ noble sacrifice. His efforts to free himself accidentally send him back to the beginning of the Sunshot Campaign. Coreless but armed with demonic cultivation, knowledge of the future and his wits, Wei Wuxian takes advantage of this opportunity to come out on top of both the war and its aftermath—before either has a chance to happen—by marrying and swiftly burying the cultivation world’s worst men.

Lan Wangji is confused, hurt, and uncomfortably aroused by Wei Wuxian’s improbably elaborate series of Sect-themed bridal negligees.

rather cruelly used and rather reserved by x_los | rated M | 14K words

In the month between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian leaving Yi City and their attending the cultivation conference in Lanling, Wei Wuxian discovers a locked room in the Jingshi. It is a mystery that clever and curious Wei Wuxian is doing everything in his power to avoid solving.

But the rose was awake all night for your sake/Knowing your promise to me by x_los | rated E | 8K words | resentment tenties~

The resentful energy occupying Wei Wuxian's body like an enemy army is very interested in giving him Lan Wangji, tied up with a bow.

Wei Wuxian is hoping that Lan Wangji (who is far too noble and very keen to save Wei Wuxian's misguided soul) doesn't find out about any aspect of that.

Mo Money, Mo Problems by x_los | rated M | 3K words

After the Mo family perishes in distressing and mysterious circumstances, Wei Wuxian, still reeling from his reincarnation, tries to dip back into their manor for a little travelling money. (Forward planning! What a concept!) Lan Wangji catches him immediately, and is highly unimpressed (read: furious) with Wei Wuxian’s decision to run away from him in the first place.

Standing Engagement by x_los | rated M | 18K words

Lan Wangji believes he and Wei Wuxian are essentially engaged. While they search for his missing betrothed, he accidentally reveals as much to Jiang Wanyin. Now everyone in the cultivation world knows about the imminent marriage, except for Wei Wuxian himself.

Coming Back to Yourself by acernor | rated E | 22K words | genital swapping for fun and nonprofit!

Lan Wangji gets cursed with a ~woman's body~ and has to orgasm to go back. Since he's 1) a virgin 2) super repressed and 3) SUPER gay, he has no idea what to do.

If only he had a super nosy friend who's read lots of erotic novels who could help him figure out what to do... hm...

Save a Sword by etymologyplayground | rated E | 5K words | a fic inspired by the above fic!

Lan WangJi presses a kiss into his throat, which draws a shivering whine from him. "Like this," he agrees, his voice so low. Then he slides one warm elegant hand down Wei WuXian's chest to his belly, and then to his — to his —

--

fan ending for acernor's fabulous masterpiece "coming back to yourself" because i'm a huge goofball and that fic fucks

Our Eyes on the Road by etymologyplayground | rated E | 23K words | brought to you by lore (the author) and Orville Peck's hit song Drive Me, Crazy

Lan Zhan is silent for a long moment, and the van's speakers quietly pipe the second song on the album into the empty space between them. Then Lan Zhan shifts his hand a little on Wei Ying's leg, presses his fingers once into the meat of his thigh. "Alright," he says.

"Alright," Wei Ying echoes in a wheeze.

"Is that better?" Lan Zhan checks, because he is a good boy. Then he spreads his fingers out a little wider, because he is evil and must be stopped.

-

Lan Zhan is driving to Chicago. Wei Ying tags along.

Worship you till morning comes by feyburner | rated E | 7K words

A meet-cute, a first date, a sleepover.

Let's take a ride round the curves of desire by feyburner | rated E | 6K words | yeah........... uhh, yeah.

Wei Ying was sprawled on the floor in front of the oscillating fan when Lan Zhan got home from work.

The Roots Grow Riotous by hansbekhart | rated E | 105K words | a beautifully crafted, emotionally harrowing fic. i should warn you (since it's not quite tagged as such) that while wangxian is endgame, the overall story doesn't have the sort of happily-ever-after ending you might expect. i’ve seen it described as open-ended but hopeful and cathartic, which i find to be a pretty accurate assessment

Sometimes Lan Zhan doesn’t work through lunch. Sometimes he makes conversation with coworkers in the halls. Sometimes he goes home instead of spending the last hour trawling through Grindr. But mostly, that’s exactly what he does. The sameness is comforting. His life spools out in easily measured increments: capsule collections, yards of hand dyed textiles, ninety day lead times, sell through figures, cost of goods sold.

Every date in manufacturing can be calculated backwards and forward from a single horizon point: the date that the goods must arrive into the country where they'll be sold. Other than that, nothing else really matters.

总有一天; a place to hide (can’t find one near) by yiqie | rated E | 76K words | i can't recall a fic ever affecting me as much as this one did. one of the best stories i've ever read. so, so, so crushingly beautiful. it's viscerally distressing/upsetting at times, especially at the start, so please heed the tags and author's note (they provide a way to skip the beginning scene if needed)!

That’s just the thing, isn’t it? Wei Ying feels nothing. He doesn’t feel anything, and this emptiness should scare him. He knows he should be scared. He wants to be scared. He isn’t. Fear itself is never scary; fear is just a response. It means that your body wants you alive. It’s the absence of terror that scares him.

请兔子吃晚饭; treating a bunny to dinner by yiqie | rated T | 3K words | read this one to recover from the above fic

It’s not really about the food. Being able to share it in the same space is its own kind of magic.

爱不释手; never let me go by yiqie | rated E | 69K words | and then read this one to feel harrowed again, this time in canon-verse!

Wei Wuxian has certainly hoped so ardently in his two lifetimes, for so many different things, in so many different ways, that he could have summoned the demon to his front door with his bare hands. His eyes wander to Lan Zhan, settle on the back of his head, the blue-black curtain of his hair. Oh, how he has hoped.

在此恭迎夷陵老祖; to yiling laozu, the great and venerable by yiqie | rated M | 7K words | read this one to recover from the above fic (this time in canon-verse)

“You don’t know? In Yiling, there’s a tree at the edge of town, one that stands at the fringes of where the city ends and the Burial Mounds begin, called the Lover’s Tree. They say if you write a letter and nail it to its branches, Yiling Laozu will receive it, and he’ll reply.”

你的阳光下; wanna hide in your light by yiqie | rated T | 2K words | :')

Lan Zhan shuts off the water before it can start getting cold, because Wei Ying still needs to take one. Any other day, Wei Ying would have slunk in, pretending to be annoyed that Lan Zhan started without him, and neither of them would have want for hot water, but Wei Ying is still asleep.

From my heart's ground. by orange_crushed | rated E | 38K words | get (orange) CRUSHED!!!!!!!

After a while he can feel a palm against his face, gentle fingers soft and soothing. It’s not real, not exactly: he can tell the difference between a ghost’s touch and a living person’s, between a spirit-vision and an overactive imagination. His education has been thorough. But the beating has also been thorough, so for now he forgets what he knows and leans into it, into the hand cupping his cheek. It’s soft and dry as those forgotten petals, as the touch of a pillow. He can smell wildflowers, can taste blood and dirt. My baby, his mother says, and he closes his eyes. My treasure. He barely remembers the sound of her voice, but the feeling of it is just the same. Just the same as ever.

[In which Lan Wangji loses almost everything, plants a garden, and grows a second chance.]

Pentimento. by orange_crushed | rated E | 73K words | this fic briefly gave me a serious case of career envy :/ ......but seriously, this is an absolute must-read!!!

When Wangji was eighteen he’d walked into the first class of his fall semester painting module and there’d been a boy in a hilariously ugly floppy knit hat sitting cross-legged on the floor at the front of the room. He’d had a sheet of canvas paper taped to his board and his board clamped between his legs and a tackle box of brushes and tubes—a real fishing tackle box, with a fish-shaped logo on it that said BASS, not one of the nice art supply storage boxes they sold in the campus bookstore, like the one Wangji was carrying—open beside him. Everyone else had settled into the rows of stools and easels, but that boy had stayed on the floor for the whole two hour and thirty minute studio. Wangji had looked at him and thought, that idiot’s back is going to hurt.

[Former best friends Lan Wangji, paintings conservator, and Wei Wuxian, art handler, meet again and realize... neither of them were actually in unrequited love.]

Many happy returns. by orange_crushed | rated E | 25K words

His fingers are still clasped between Wangji's. In the mirror Wangji watches him tuck his coat between his thighs so that he can fuss with the tucked-in hem of his shirt, tousle up the side of his hair, all one-handed. "I hope what I'm wearing is okay."

"It's good," Wangji says. "You look good."

"I guess I must," Wei Ying says, and then he smiles and bites his teeth into his bottom lip for a second, devastatingly, and before Wangji can drop dead the doors to the elevator slide open, and the hostess station appears.

[In which lonely businessman Lan Wangji meets the right wrong person and changes the course of his life.]

The dreamers. by orange_crushed | rated E | 17K words

“Stop mothering me,” Wei Ying protests. “Why don’t you ever listen?” He scowls at Wangji, but then the lure of the clean water is too much; he sits grumbling and strips off his vambraces and loosens the collar of his robes and wipes himself down in the steam. Wangji sits on a stool and watches him, and after a while Wei Ying slaps the rag into the bowl and glares back. “Are you going to sit and stare the whole time?” he demands. “You want to see me strip naked and give my filthy evil self a good scrubbing, huh?”

Yes, Wangji thinks.

[This is a story about a horrible war and a beautiful dream; about grabbing happiness where you can find it, and not letting go.]

mercy, tear it down. by orange_crushed | rated E | 31K words

“You want me to call you good?” Wangji says. “To make you feel good?” Wei Ying makes a wretched, soft, surprised sound in the back of his throat. “Then will you be good?”

“Uh,” Wei Ying says. His lashes flick down again, nervously. “Good how?”

Wangji hasn’t quite thought that far ahead.

Kingfisher Feathers by Anonymous | rated E | 83K words | WIP (7/10 chapters, last updated 4/13/21) | omg omegaverse!!!! @/ this anon author... keep up the great work! also i have feelings for u

With an almost trance-like detachment, Wei Wuxian touched his own neck, his fingers skimming over the fresh mark. The bite wound had stopped bleeding, although he had no doubts it would open again if agitated.

Bonded.

He was bonded for life.

"Shit," he whispered. He looked over at the sleeping form of Lan Wangji—the Second Prince of Gusu and, until his brother was found, the sole heir to the throne. "Oh, shit. Lan Qiren is going to kill me."

----------

Lan Wangji goes into a fevered rut and accidentally bonds with Wei Wuxian. When they next meet, he remembers none of it, and Wei Wuxian is determined to keep the bond a secret—even when he's sent to the Cloud Recesses to be a consort in Lan Wangji's harem.

(tl;dr concubine!wwx is already married to emperor!lwj, who has no idea. drama ensues.)

Pull out game weak by 74243 | rated E | 23K words | featuring the hottest meanest dom top lesbian lwj of your wildest dreams. i hope ao3 user 74243 is having an amazing day

Wei Ying swipes right.

Extra Time by Anonymous | rated E | 28K words | fic inspired by the above fic! seriously good

How Wei Ying learned to stop worrying and love the strap (an AU of 74243's Pull out game weak)

Superfan by 74243 | rated E | 19K words | ao3 user 74243 writing banger after banger as per usual

“I’m not going to apologize for my job,” Wei Ying said, “so if you want to give me some kind of lecture--”

“No,” Lan Zhan said. “You misunderstood. I am...” she paused, as if considering the best way to put it. “I’m a fan.”

Spit in my mouth, look in my eyes by 74243 | rated E | 7K works | i'm just going to list all of ao3 user 74243's fics, ok? that's what's gonna happen here

Wei Wuxian was a little surprised herself, although she felt bad for being surprised. Of course it didn’t really mean anything about you, how you presented, Wei Wuxian knew that better than anyone, but all the same it was hard to reconcile Lan Zhan as an omega.

(wwx makes an error of judgment)

If the shoe fits by 74243 | rated E | 8K words

Wei Ying loses a bet.

the And they were roommates series by 74243 | rated E | 19K words total

That was the other thing, when Wei Ying had moved in. She’d scented Lan Zhan immediately, the sandalwood and smoke rising off her, almost before she’d taken in Lan Zhan’s straight posture, her narrowed eyes. She’d known that Lan Zhan could tell, too. At the end, when they’d talked about the rent and Lan Zhan’s nearly finished PhD and Wei Ying’s working hours, Wei Ying had said, casual and effortless, “And you don’t mind that I’m an omega.”

“No,” Lan Zhan said.

Chef's kiss by 74243 | rated E | 7K words

Wei Ying said, “You know, in some ways I’m kind of depressed. I took your biggest dick on my first try. Now I don’t have anything to build up to.”

“There are bigger ones available,” Lan Zhan said lazily. “I can pay for express shipping.”

(Lan Zhan works the late shift.)

Gold-palmed Warrior Quest! by 74243 | rated E | 13K words

When Lan Wangji suggested that they camp along the way to the Unclean Realm, rather than staying at inns, Wei Wuxian had been sceptical.

Dway! by 74243 | rated E | 6K words

“Hm,” Wei Ying said. “You like it rough, though, right? You seem like that kind of alpha.” When she saw Lan Zhan’s expression she raised an eyebrow. “What? Was I wrong? Are you tender and sweet? Do you cry?”

“You were not wrong,” Lan Zhan said. “I do not cry. Do you?”

tgif by 74243 | rated E | 17K words

Today Lan Zhan says that if Wei Ying cannot control her mouth then she will have to tape it shut.

On the ground by 74243 | rated E | 5K words

“I think you will like it,” Lan Zhan said.

Does your mother know by 74243 | rated E | 5K words | editing this rec list on a monday morning to add this brand new fic fresh off the presses. thank u ao3 user 74243 for feeding us so well 🙏

“Lan Zhan is such a well-behaved girl,” Madam Yu said.

all that and more by Euphorion | rated E | 20K words

Wei Wuxian locks his phone and puts it down, blinks at his ceiling, and picks it up again. The pictures are still there.

His first thought is that Lan Zhan meant them for someone else. That he just woke up at—he checks the timestamp—6:30 am on a Sunday and decided to go absolute full nuclear seduction option on some poor boy he met on Grindr, who would now be missing out on the best thing to ever happen to him because Wei Wuxian had a bad habit of distracting—of—oh.

Pieces of last night start to resurface and paste themselves together in his head. He winces.

The Golden Cutsleeve by syrus_jones | rated E | 77K words | of my faves, this is one of my favorite... faves. top faves. incredibly fun and silly and hot. just... oh my GOD, wei YING!

“I know! Why don’t you try it? Let me go and I’ll lend it to you!” Wei Wuxian bribed hysterically, desperate to escape from this encounter by any means necessary. And then, his eyes blew wide, realizing what he just said. ‘Wait— just what am I offering Lan Zhan?!’ he thought. How was he so stupid, how did he just offer that without thinking—

“You want me...to use it… after you?” Lan Zhan asked, his voice unusually faint.

~*~

Wei Wuxian's test of mysterious, literally magical sex toy goes awry when Lan Wangji finds him in the woods 'experimenting' with it and it ends up in Lan Wangji's possession.

Unfortunately, neither of them is aware that the toy is anchored to Wei Wuxian's body. Too bad Wei Wuxian invited him to try it.

Boy Trouble, We've Got Double by saltyfeathers | rated E | 60K words | !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is a really good fic

Lan Zhan stands there in his immaculate, cloud-patterned Lan robes, watching him calmly, one fist tucked up against his back. “I am betrothed.”

Wei Wuxian blinks. “Are you…” He tries to laugh. Again, it sounds inhuman. “Is this about last night? Are you mad at me? I only remember some of it, Lan Zhan. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I’m sure whatever I did I was just—” He gestures uselessly. He remembers being warm in Lan Zhan’s lap. He remembers fitting snugly in Lan Zhan’s lap. Wrapping his arms around Lan Zhan’s neck. Nosing at his jaw. “…playing around.”

“This has nothing to do with you, Wei Wuxian.”

none in the forest so bright as these by saltyfeathers | rated E | 6K words

Wei Wuxian puts a hand to his head, brain lost in fog. “Lan Zhan,” he pants. “Why are we here? Are we on a hunt?”

As Lan Zhan tries to remember, his brow furrows. He shakes his head slightly. “I don’t know.”

“This is bad,” Wei Wuxian says. When Lan Zhan cups his cheek again, sparks burst behind Wei Wuxian’s eyes. “Or maybe it’s not,” he says unthinkingly. Sighs, almost. Lan Zhan looks at his own arm like it's betrayed him. Wei Wuxian closes his eyes and presses his face into Lan Zhan’s palm. “Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan,” he murmurs. “What’s happening to us?”

out in the garden, there’s things you hid away by saltyfeathers | rated E | 121K words | oww oww oww 😣😣😣💘

There is a man with empty eye sockets and tears of fire in Wei Wuxian’s dreams. Tendrils of smoke curl around him in sleep, pressing at his most vulnerable spots, seeking entrance, slipping between his ribs.

When he ignores Lan Zhan's offers of help, he declines rapidly. He will die. Or, he should. Anyone else would.

Instead, he flees. And transforms.

crawling through your door by saltyfeathers | rated E | 12K words

Lan Wangji kisses him. When he pulls away, he speaks into the silence between them, because when he is with Wei Ying, he so rarely considers. “Why don’t you touch me anymore?”

Lan Zhan Works for the Historical Society by saltyfeathers | rated E | 7K words | some real real good lesbian action up in here

Pretty Lan Zhan. Beautiful Lan Zhan. Ice queen Lan Zhan. So intimidating and femme and coldly polite in public, yet meaner than a man in the bedroom. Wei Ying has slept with men before and none of them were mean-nice to her like Lan Zhan.

threadfic by saltyfeathers | not rated (each chapter rated/tagged individually) | 34K+ words | WIP (11/? chapters, last updated 3/15/21), but it’s a collection of stand-alone oneshots

semi cleaned-up wangxian twitter threadfic.

【已經打動我的心】So Sing To Me All Night by aroceu | rated T | 10K words | arrow writes wei ying so exquisitely well. i was weepy the whole time read this fic. for the best experience, i recommend following along with the accompanying spotify playlist.

No one listens to the radio in this day and age, but somehow from a bunch of left clicking and right clicking, through Facebook and Twitter and Youtube, Wei Ying finds himself on the WQHS homepage—the UPenn student radio station, promising eclectic tastes from a variety of hosts. Wei Ying can't remember giving a shit about his old college's student radio before he dropped out, but it's eleven at night and he has nothing else better to do. He clicks on the button that says Listen Here! and waits to be impressed.

get wild by aroceu | rated E | 24K words | 🔥🏀🔥 BASKETBALL FIC 🔥🏀🔥

He was looking for a specific reaction—to get Lan Zhan to lash out. All hard edges and demanding, the same way during the first scrim, Lan Zhan's dark voice had made him loose and obedient, itching to both rebel and obey at the same time.

It's them, whatever it is, but it doesn't belong on the basketball court.

~

Wei Ying didn't expect to enter a weird... something-with-benefits-plus-power-play with the captain of the Gusu basketball team. He's not sure if it's worth it.

without a warning by aroceu | rated T | 10K words | 🥺️🥺️🥺️

“Blegh,” Wei Ying says. “I hate being sick, Lan Zhan… my throat is so sore… why do I talk so much?”

“Stop talking then,” Lan Zhan says.

“You don’t mean that,” Wei Ying says, in his half-asleep daze. “I know you’ll never admit it, Lan Zhan, but you like it when I talk.”

your honor i’m a freak bitch by aroceu | rated E | 6K words

Wei Ying gestures to his outfit. His hands are buried deep within the hoodie; he’s mostly gesturing with the sleeves. “Well, it works with the whole get up, you see?”

“The…” Lan Zhan looks down at where his fingers are toying with the top of Wei Ying’s thigh highs. Wei Ying pretends he is not shivering. “…skirt. And these stockings.”

“Thigh highs, Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying says, batting at him with the end of a sleeve.

Play It By Ear by aroceu | rated T | 7K words | MY HEART !!!

In the virtual airplane flying over the island, appropriately called Yiling, Lan Zhan watches as bits and pieces of the island load in. There are many Statues of David, a gothic teacup ride, and, from what Lan Zhan can see, an entire field of spoiled turnips.

hanguang-jun @/hanguangjun Do you need turnips to sell?

timmy and tommy in a trenchcoat @/yilinglaozu oh! no haha! 😅 those are from a while ago but my brother insists i keep them there

for the ~aesthetic~

the key that our souls were singing by aroceu | rated M | 5K words

“I haven’t seen you since—Gusu, was it?” Wei Ying says. “Oh my god, it’s been so long. I didn’t even know you were LGBT! Unless you’re here as an ally, which is also totally cool—”

“No, I.” Lan Zhan coughs. Her throat feels dry. “I am a lesbian.”

abort retry fail by aroceu | rated E | 21K words

Lan Wangji must miss his husband over this amnesiac of a man Wei Wuxian has turned into. Well, Wei Wuxian will show him! He'll be even better—or at least, try to be just as good of a husband as he would be, without his memory loss.

Blackout If You Were Mine by aroceu | rated E | 9K words

Wei Ying likes to wear chokers a lot. So Lan Zhan buys some for him. Then, testing their limits, collars.

Wei Ying wears those, too.

-

Or, the one where Wei Ying and Lan Zhan accidentally stumble into a BDSM relationship.

eleven thousand meters & airborne by aroceu | rated E | 5K words | 😎✈️😎

Lan Zhan and Wei Ying join the mile high club.

many fox given by defractum | rated E | 24K words | can't go wrong with foxxian and dragonji content 🦊🐉

Lan Zhan is glaring at him. That's probably fair.

The last time they'd seen each other, Wei Ying had been digging through Lan Zhan's garbage. They'd made eye contact over the shredded bags, the week's trash scattered around him like stinky, oversized Lego.

Lan Zhan's eyes had been wide with horror, and Wei Ying's had been equally wide with feigned innocence. He'd reached out slowly, maintaining the eye contact, and then flipped over the food waste bin full of onion peel and carrot skin as a distraction and slunk off into the night. Probably not his finest moment.

-

Modern AU dragon!LWJ meets fox!WWX.

the tamed by defractum | rated E | 12K words

If the Second Jade of Lan insists on bringing the Yiling Patriarch as his guest to the next Cultivation Conference, he must first demonstrate a control over the Yiling Patriarch and his unnatural abilities.

The letter lies on their desk for days.

-

Post-canon, Wei Ying is invited, sort of, to a Discussion Conference.

us in a king-size, keep it a secret (say i'm your queen, i don't wanna leave this) by matcha_ado | rated E | 3K words

People always said Wei Ying was a royal pain in the ass. They were absolutely right, of course, just not in the way they thought.

it is wednesday my dudes by jelenedra | rated M | 4K words

Wednesday nights at Cloud Recesses strip club are always a little weird, but usually they're not this horny. Whatever Wei Ying and Lan Zhan get up to, Mianmian is not going to be the one to clean it up.

i'm the one for your fire by occultings | rated E | 43K words | cherry magic au! love it

Wei Ying, virgin and noted heterosexual, gets hit with a curse of an unusual nature on his 30th birthday — through physical contact, he can read the minds of others around him.

Enter Lan Zhan, hot former rival and current coworker, whose true thoughts about Wei Ying are nothing like he expects. (A loose Cherry Magic AU)

a thousand teeth, yours among them by darkredloveknot | rated E | 11K words

A one night stand in the time of zombies.

hoe to housewife pipeline by lanzhancore | rated E | 5K words

“You type fast,” Wei Ying murmurs, making a futile attempt at conversation while he waits for him to be done with… whatever. “Not to be pushy, but do you plan on fucking my ass anytime soon?”

or: wei ying has been thirsting after lan zhan for three slutty slutty years

can you feel it by lanzhancore | rated E | an instant classic

“What’s wrong?” Wei Ying asks finally, eyebrows drawn together. “Is everything okay?”

Thumbs stroking circles into his skin as if to comfort him, Lan Zhan says, “Don’t panic.”

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying says, sitting up on his elbows. “What did you do to my ass?”

“Nothing,” Lan Zhan says, convincing nobody. “But we need to go to the hospital.”

or: wei ying really should have sprung for the model with the flared base. he learns this lesson the hard way.

because you're mine (i walk the line) by lanzhancore | rated E | 8K words

Wei Ying is freshly cream-pied and still trying to remember where his legs are when Lan Zhan outlaws masturbation.

or: wei ying fucks around and finds out

payload by lanzhancore | rated M | 3K words | babysitter wwx + dilfji, what more could you need

Wei Ying has a whole five hours and thirty-six minutes to calm down but when he hears Lan Zhan’s key turning in the front door lock later that evening he has to cling to the couch cushions to keep from marching into the laundry room to retrieve the briefs so he can wave them in Lan Zhan’s face and demand to know who owns them.

or: lan zhan's self-restraint is not limitless

the to the brim series by verseau | rated E | 14K words total

Wei Ying wants to rob him, but it wouldn’t even be satisfying, since this guy is just—giving away money. With his nice fingers. Maybe Wei Ying will just bite his fingers, and that will give the same endorphin rush as robbing him. / a day told across five parts.

get that message home by verseau | rated G | 2K words | ohhhhhhhhh myyyyy godddddd 😭

Sizhui's father cannot haggle. It is a shame on Sizhui’s honor to have such an honest father.

Author's note [i'm including it here because it's golden]:

there is a scene in arrested development where lucille, who is on the opposite spectrum of humanity as lan zhan, asks, "it's a banana, michael. how much could one cost? ten dollars?" there are no bananas in this story.

dreaming and getting a glimmer by verseau | rated E | 27K words | a particular favorite of mine 🔥🍆💦🕳🔥

Wei Ying discovers himself.

trust your fingertips by plonk | not rated (but really rated E) | 15K word | 🥵️🥵️🥵️🥵️🥵️ plonk you’ve done it again!

Lan Wangji must suppress a shiver at every brush and press of Wei Wuxian’s fingers.

Under different circumstances - less public ones - he would welcome touch, given that his body is in such an aroused state.

Alas, his circumstances are these: sitting quietly while Wei Wuxian, the famous (infamous) Doctor of Yunmeng, digs his fingertips into Lan Wangji’s shoulders and chest and sides and hums thoughtfully.

Doctor, Doctor by YunmengLotus | rated E | 4K words | mmmmhmm!

Wei Ying needs to get a prostate exam. How ever will he deal when the world's hottest doctor walks through the exam room door and tells him to bend over?

TAKOYAKI by ariskamalt | rated E | 3K words | lan zhan gets jealous of his own damn appendages. meanwhile, wei ying is just having a good time.

Lan Zhan…cannot always feel or tell what his tentacles will do.

His free hand curls into a fist. Underneath his skin, the tentacles give a little squirm, as if aware of the challenge he has just issued them. No touching Wei Ying unless he says so, because he wants to touch Wei Ying first. They squirm again, as if to say, Tentacles: 1, Lan Zhan: 0.

That will just have to be remedied.

Or, as phnelt first described: Tentacle-ji with the semi autonomous tentacles getting jealous of his tenties for touching Wei Ying in places he hasn't yet

Outage by SugarMilkTea | rated E | 3K words | [cough] 😳😳😳

The power goes out in Lan Zhan and Wei Ying's rural home in the countryside. Lan Zhan takes advantage of the darkness to give in to one of his baser urges, and Wei Ying's first rural power outage experience is about to get a lot more interesting.

big hands (i know you’re the one) by martyrsdaughter | rated E | 8K words | NICE. 🔥🔥🔥

“Not a big talker, hm?” Wei Ying tilts his head to one side. “That’s okay, I’ve been told I’m a good enough conversationalist for three. My tongue is multi-talented and—”

He has just enough time to feel her palm on the back of his neck and think, oh, her hands are so big, before his words are being stolen into her mouth.

darling, am i a chore? by martyrsdaughter | rated E | 7K words

“Are you done playing around?”

Knowing that’s not what either of them actually wants, Wei Wuxian reaches up to tickle under Lan Wangji’s chin. Soft little scritches, coaxing motions—Lan Wangji is weak to all of them.

“You know what I want,” Wei Wuxian purrs, reaching up on his tiptoes to throw his arms over Lan Wangji’s shoulders. “Call me gege, won’t you? Call me and I’ll stop.”

(or: five times Lan Wangji paid special attention to Wei Wuxian’s interest in being his gege.)

put him on his knees, give him something to believe in by dustyloves | rated E | 2K words | if the title is quoting WAP, then you should know by now it’s gonna be some of that good filth

The next time Wei Ying kisses him, Lan Zhan is careful again. Wei Ying seems determined to make it very difficult.

the hard way by dustyloves | rated E | 9K words

"Anyway, you make it sound like something lewd is going on," Wei Ying complains. "It's all totally above board. She's just being a nice person. It's just one kind alpha grad student offering one room of her huge house to one beta undergrad in need, what could be more appropriate than that?"

// Wei Ying makes a mistake and finds out the hard way.

Exhibition by sevenless | rated E | 5K words

“Oh?” Wei Wuxian raises an eyebrow. “The forbidden section, Lan Zhan?”

“Mn.”

“You’re not afraid of being heard?” Wei Wuxian thinks aloud. A smirk creeps onto his face, eyes glinting. “Or could it be that Lan-er-gongzi actually wants to be heard? Seen? Caught?” He skips in front of him, blocking his way. "Disciplined?”

Lan Wangji’s ears, as always, betray him.

a history of the body by northofallmusic | rated E | 14K words

Wei Ying's body hurts sometimes; she lets Lan Zhan help her.

A fic about the complicated nature of having a body, and also the versatility of sex toys.

(our friendship) up against the ropes by daltoneering | rated E | 36K words

The reboot completes, and Wei Ying’s brain smashes this information together into two mind-shattering thoughts. Number one, he knew very well already, and is now further seared by defined muscles and a mouth-watering tattoo into his every waking moment: Lan Zhan is the hottest fucking person on the planet.

Number two: that guy wasn’t visiting Lan Zhan’s neighbour, he was visiting Lan Zhan, which means:

Lan Zhan fucks. Lan Zhan fucks. Lan Zhan fucks.

;

Lan Zhan has been Wei Ying's best friend for years. Literally, years. How did he not already know? How has he missed this most important of facts? And more importantly, how is he ever going to get over it?

watching my heart go round by typefortydeductions | rated E | 38K+ words | WIP (2/4 chapters, last updated 5/2/21) | lan zhan i love you baby 💞

Lan Zhan falls apart. As it turns out, that's not the end.

~

oh man this list is so long sd;jfkdsjfhhh

yati, i hope you find some stuff in this pile here that you’ll enjoy! it's not an exhaustive list, so check out the authors’ other works and bookmarks for more goods, if you feel so inclined 😙💕

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 30

30 issues wow...forget the fact that I skipped like 5 issues of crossover event nonsense

another big ole swerve recap omg

this trial is so messsyyyyyyyyy lmao 

hvbajdfbahsjkfdbhjs starscream listening to meagtrons speech looking like ‘hmmmmmmm I may have miscalculated’ 

prowl looks pissed af meanwhile optimus just looks dead inside lmao

I mean. megatron kinda does have a point. this is like, the most biased, conflict of interests lookin trial of all time, in that all the major participants have some sort of long, complicated history with each other. what a mess

optimus, listening to megatron’s speech: wow this is worse than divorce court was

oh shit I totally forgot that those decepticons attacked the trial 

MAGNUS HAMMER AYYYYYY

a guy saying ‘objection!’ as optimus prime punches half his face off...that pretty much sums up idw op lmao 

op: oh thank god, I can punch shit now. I'm not cut out for this bureaucracy nonsense

megatron: thanks, random decepticon, for the attempted rescue, but I'm super old and I just want to nap so no thanks

random decepticon: wtf- [gets murdered by optimus prime]

I love op’s big ass antennae 

meanwhile, brainstorm goes to a bar and instead of buying anything, pulls out his own drink. I feel like that isn't allowed in most bars, or is at least frowned up vbsjdhfbhjdkfn. ily brainstorm 

also? big ass mood I was so broke last time I was on a barhopping vacation w/friends that I brought a cheap giantass bottle of mixed drink in my backpack and just drank that at all the bars lmao

WHIRLLLL I love his humansona sm. and also I love that whirl is into artsy french movies or w/e omg

brainstorm, drinking thru a wrist funnel: sorry I cant take my mask off rn it isn’t plot relevant yet

‘earthlets’ lmao

I love that rung is like, too pretentious to care that much about movies and would rather read earth books lol

and then bluestreak is like ‘yeah they have books...comic books’ can this man not read

I still cannot fuckign believe that the argument that got megatron out of a for-sure death sentence or w/e was ‘its not a war crime if we’re on the moon’ liiiiike what the actual hell lmao

also I love that, once again, we see magnus’s strict adherence to the law, technicalities and all

magnus: you cant really stop a trial and move it somewhere else where the laws are better suited to the outcome you desire

prowl: what are you, a cop? fuck off

also op being like ‘ok whatever all that doesn't matter...what DOES matter is that it would look bad for us to move the trial to cybertron in an obvious attempt to circumvent the rules, and public perception is what’s most important, fuck all that ‘morality’ bullshit’

meanwhile, rodimus is dead! and ambulon is also dead, which makes first aid sad, which makes ME sad

ayyy, rodimus is still alive! well, one rodimus is alive, at least 

rodimus and megatron really have the vibes of ‘stepfather and stepson forced to work together on a family road trip gone wrong after dad decided to sit this one out’ lmao

ah yes, ‘malaise’ the medical diagnostic term for ‘I don't feel so hot and idk why’ that practitioners like to throw under the ‘diagnostic notes’ section of lab orders to explain why they're ordering every blood test under the sun for a patient 

I love medical terminology. ANYWAYS

BE NICE TO MY BOY MEGATRON. 

rodimus: listen I have to come to terms with the fact that there's another version of me right here, and he’s DEAD, which means we can’t fuck, which is super lame 

I firmly believe that rodimus would be team ‘hell yeah id have sex with my AU self’ tbh 

I find it interesting that megatron is often casting blame for his actions onto others - here, he says that rodimus made him realize he doesn’t want to stop doing stuff w/his life, and then says that starscream forced his hand w/the whole ‘luna 2 law’ thing, and previously he’s said how whirl beating him up in jail is what led to him abandoning pacifism - take responsibility for your actions and decisions dude!

though he goes on to say here that he resorted to violence because he realized that the system that was in place could withstand everything else he would have tried to use to change it, which is super interesting 

megatron: okay, yes, I MIGHT have murdered billions, but I could help find us a new planet, which would be baller, sooooo...how about you co-opt your lame son’s frat boy ship and put me in charge? 

op: sounds fair to me. now how about we do some more Big Speeches before I make you somebody else’s problem

vbhdjskfbhaskdjf the ‘team rodimus’ lineup setup reminds me so much of the ‘together we make the ______’ meme with the different members being like, ‘the power’ ‘the gay’ ‘the awesome’ ‘the guy with no ears’ hbvhjdkfbs

chromedome: if I do this I could die

rodimus: that sounds like a you problem bro

‘this one time’ YEA RIGHT c'mon cd honor your dead husband’s wishes

omfg I forgot abt brainstorms ‘early early warning system’ lmao

I love nautica soooo much oh man

ooooof drift :( :( oh no

dead future rodimus!! uh oh is right

rodimus, known himbo: I'm sure I can defeat the inevitability of future events! all I have to do is cut my own arm off!

tailgateeeee he’s so cute...I love that he can tell stories of his daring escapades, just like at the beginning of mtmte, but this time its actually TRUE

OH SHITTTT GETAWAY

he looks so fucking sinister there lmao how are we NOT supposed to realize he has bad intentions from the get-go

‘you’ll make a prime one day’ well, getaway, you’re right about that at least...

cyclonus in the bg like 🤨🤔 at getaway

seriously I cant get over how getaway has such a slimy kinda vibe to him, like specifically in his interactions w/tailgate - this is before things even really take off but I'm still like TG GET AWAY (lol) FROM THIS GUY

cyclonus: somebody flirting with my crush? better go stare out a window instead of communicating absolutely anything to said crush about my feelings!

honestly I feel like, while megatron renouncing the decepticons and becoming an autobot is certainly interesting, it would be equally interesting for him to remain a decepticon but try to change the philosophy of the movement 

like, I get why op had him give that speech - to prevent the cons from trying to free megs again/thinking that he was being coerced into things (ironic considered he WAS coerced into giving that speech) - but it’s kinda the easy way our for megatron - being able to completely abandon the decepticon cause and not deal with it at all, and start over anew as an autobot

it would've been a lot harder to remain a con and try to reform what he has broken in the decepticon movement - but I think that would've been really interesting

though from a writing logistics standpoint, I get why jro didn't go for that bc we don't get a lot of other decepticons in the cast for that to work, and also megatron still definitely DOES have to face down all his mistakes w/the decepticons w/the djd and overlord and whatnot

anyways. I cant believe that all megatron had to do to join the lost light was make ONE speech denouncing the decepticons. like, they should've at least had him do a tiktok dance too or something, just to make it a really tough deal

I love the rodpod vbhjfsdkfbjaskjndfj

ok but I still don't really get the logic of making megs CAPTAIN like ouch. poor rodimus 

I feel like making megs a bartender at swerves or st would've been WAY more useful in showing him humility or w/e. OR it would've made him evil again, which, fair, 

ratchet: don't worry, we’ll medically poison him, it’ll be fine

ok but rodimus is right, this is SO messy, op wants to prove his ex husband isn't 100% evil so he’s like ‘ill let my rebellious son deal with him’ lmao god. I love this setup so much, its so wild

ratchet is also right, rodimus’s fuckup definitely pales in comparison to megatrons All That 

OH BRUTALLLLLLLL when ratchet says the list is fake ‘because my name’s not on it’ FUCKING OUCHHHHH

‘only bad guys say ‘unhand me” rodimus ily

omfg ‘we’ve practiced this’ of course they've done evacuation drills...magnus ily

lmao it’s the panel where it looks like rodimus and megatron are doing karaoke or having some sort of rap battle

and the lost light is GONE! oh shit!!!!

and there closes issue 30! once again we’ve gotten a lot of setup and exposition - which, while definitely necessary, means I don't have too much to say

I will say, throwing megatron onto the lost light has definitely mixed things up, and it’s interesting to see new dynamics already forming

so, until next time!

[jane-fucking-seymour]

By Definition...

A bonus one for @ichlugebulletsandcornnuts because this has been a meme between us for a bit. We’re even in UK friendly timezones for this release! Go team!

“So,” Jane says, pinching the bridge of her nose. She’s surely going to have a migraine later. “Tell me again, Lady Catherine Parr, how this happened.”

Catherine looks a bit sheepish as she shrinks under the judgmental gaze of Catherine of Aragon and Jane Seymour. Catherine looks a bit more amused than Jane at the moment, though that’s not a consolation by any means.

Cathy runs a hand down her face, looking up and wincing as soon as she meets Jane’s icy gaze.

“Okay, so, let me start out by saying, I completely did not know what I had agreed to.” 

“Yeah,” Jane says, “that was pretty clear by now.”

“We just want to know what happened, Cath,” Catherine says, “so it doesn’t happen again. Kitty’s clearly not going to sleep tonight because of it.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry-” Parr starts, but Seymour puts a hand up to stop her.

“Just, tell us. From the start. Exactly what happened.”

So, with a deep breath, Cathy starts exactly that.

It had started at the grocery store.

Cathy had volunteered to do the grocery shopping this time around, and Katherine had been required to go with. The girl had originally been quite cross to be going at all, but after Cathy persuaded her, she reluctantly agreed.

They had been in the shop for maybe five minutes before Katherine asked about some boxes of chocolates.

“No, Kitty,” Cathy said, looking at the ingredients of a certain pasta sauce. “You know what your mum says. Only one box of chocolate.”

Katherine frowns, but begrudgingly puts the box away.

After a few bagged ingredients, Katherine wanders back to the candy aisle and tries to sneak in two.

“Hey! No you don’t!” Cathy says, instantly taking the boxes out of the cart. “Only one box!” 

Katherine pouts, but walks off, semi-defeated for the moment. Cathy scowls but continues the shopping list.

At the last item found, Cathy decides to take a pit stop towards the book section. 

“Are we going home soon?” Katherine asks, clearly bored. “I wanna go home.”

“We’re almost done, Kat,” Cathy says, looking at one book, then another. “Let me just figure out which one I want to grab, then we’ll be good. Go get your box of chocolate while we’re waiting, I promise I’ll be done soon.”

“You said that five minutes ago, but alright,” Katherine complains, walking off.

It takes Cathy another twenty minutes to decide which book she should get.

Katherine is gone that entire time.

Cathy is still reading from one of the back covers, three books still in hand, when Katherine all but skips back to the cart.

“I’ve got my thing,” Katherine says, smiling brightly. “Let’s go!”

“Alright, I’m going-” Cathy starts, putting two books away. She’s about to put the book into the cart when she stops dead in her tracks.

She looks.

She blinks.

She looks at Katherine.

She looks down at the cart.

“What’s that?”

“One box of chocolate,” Katherine replies nonchalantly. 

Cathy narrows her eyes. “No it isn’t.”

“But it is!” Katherine nods. “How can you not say it is? It’s chocolates in one box.”

“I-” Cathy starts, but in all honestly, technically, the girl is right. That’s one box of chocolates, as permitted.

Katherine knows this. Katherine also knows that Cathy is a stickler for words and their meanings.

Meaning, Cathy can’t say no in good conscience.

“... which is how we ended up here,” Cathy explains, head hanging in shame. 

Jane gives her such an incredulous look. “That’s not a box of chocolates.”

“It was, technically.”

“But it wasn’t- you know what we meant!”

“But it wasn’t specified!” Cathy exclaims. She points to the issue at hand: a large, bulk box, filled with 20 regular-sized chocolate bars. “How was I supposed to know she was going to ask the shopkeep for the bulk box of it?!?”

“You’ve got to admit, Jane,” Catherine says, “it was rather clever-”

“And it’s spoiled her dinner and, probably, the next fifteen of them!” Jane says, sighing as she leans against the counter. She shakes her head. “How many?”

Cathy tilts her head. “How many what?”

“How many did she eat?”

“Before you got home-?”

“YES, before I got home, good lord, Cathy!”

Catherine Parr hesitates, but the glare from Jane makes her answer.

“... ten.”

“Ten what?”

“Ten boxes.”

“Lady Catherine Parr-”

They’re intrrupted, however, by a one Katherine Howard zooming past them, Anne Boleyn, Maggie and Joan barely keeping up.

“She’s bouncing off the walls still, and it’s way past her bedtime,” Jane says with a sigh. “The girl’s sure to crash soon, thankfully, but tomorrow, you’ll both have a lesson in what a box means, and you’re both in trouble for putting one over the rest of us.”

“But Jane, you’ve got admit, that’s literally one box, how am I supposed to dissuade her from thinking cleverly like that-?” Cathy starts, but when Jane steps towards her, Catherine steps in.

“Alright, alright, we get it, Jane, I’ll take care of Cathy from now on,” she says calmly. “Go help the others with Katherine, okay, love?”

Jane grumbles about something under her breath - growling to herself about the meaning of words and how is she so smart yet so stupid and the like - as she follows the rest through the house to try to catch the sugar-high’ed Katherine bouncing off the walls (not literally... anymore).

Catherine raises an amused eyebrow at Cathy. “You know, you really need to learn some common sense, love.”

“I just! I didn’t want to punish her for thinking out of the box, that’s all!” Cathy says, standing when Catherine offers her a hand. Catherine chuckles as they head upstairs, leaving the chaos that is Katherine to the others. “You’ve got to admit, Catherine, that was clever of her. Problem solving like no other.”

“She’s learning from all of us - she has your wit and Anne’s mischievous streak,” Catherine quips. “It’s no wonder she’s as good at that as she is, but what I’m saying is... maybe think critically before you do that. Give her a second box to reward her, not 20.”

Cathy sighs. “Yeah, you’re right,” she agrees. “I’m sorry, Catherine.”

“It’s alright,” she says with a smile. “But you owe Jane an apology - and the others, I imagine. Even poor Maria’s been roped into trying to calm the girl down.”

Cathy winces when they hear a crash downstairs. “I’ll make it up to them, I promise.”

“I know, love,” Catherine says, leading Cathy to her room. “But for now, try to get some sleep, alright? I’m sure Maria will be up to say goodnight as well.” She tucks the girl in, kissing the top of her head. “Goodnight, love.”

“Goodnight, Catalina.”

Catherine gently closes the door behind her. 

When she turns around, she sees a very tired Bessie and Anne moving into the hallway.

“Everything turn out alright?” Catherine asks softly.

Anne nods. “She crashed, we’re good now,” she says, slightly out of breath. “Let’s make sure that never happens again, yeah?”

“How’s Cathy?” Anna asks. “I’m a bit cross at her, but I don’t think she deserved the yelling Jane gave her.”

“She’ll be fine, she’s learned from this, I think,” Catherine says with a nod. “We’ll be alright. Go get some rest, girls, we’ve got a show tomorrow.”

“Goodnight,” Anne says.

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” Anna promises. They retire to their respective rooms soon after.

Catherine takes a pit stop into her room to get ready for bed; by the time that happens, the ladies have taken their leave, saying goodnight to everyone, and Jane seems to have retired to her room. Catherine knocks on the door softly and, when allowed, walks in.

A soft smile on her face grows as she sees Katherine curled up to Jane, fast asleep.

Jane gives Catherine a small smile. “She’ll be out for the night, I think.” A pause, before she continues. “She’s quite brilliant, even if she’s a bit of a brat sometimes.”

“Katherine Howard is never a brat,” Catalina replies with a smile. “A babey, yes, but never a brat.”

“She can absolutely use the babey part to be a brat, though, you can’t deny it,” Jane says, rolling her eyes fondly. “She uses it to her advantage, clearly.”

Catherine chuckles as she gently smoothes out Katherine’s hair. “Clever girl,” she comments. “Reminds me of Mary, a little bit.”

“Oh?” Seymour asks, looking up at Aragon.

The first queen nods. “She was just as clever, always trying to find ways around the rules I made her. She’d get away with it sometimes, too, just because of how brilliant some of her loopholes were,” Catherine says with a chuckle. Then, softer: “What I wouldn’t give for a time like that again.”

They’re silent for a moment, save for Katherine’s soft, steady breathing. 

Jane perks up again.

“She really is learning from all of us, isn’t she?” Jane asks quietly. “She’s really being raised by all of us.”

“You can see it, can’t you?” Catherine asks. “Cathy’s wit, your gentleness, my confidence, Anna’s kindness, Anne’s mischievousness... together, it’s a brilliant combination.” she says somewhat proudly, watching the girl. “She can take over the world at this rate.”

“And yet, she’s using her brilliance to swindle us out of chocolates,” Jane quips. It earns a laugh from both of the mums.

“She’ll be just fine, Jane,” Catherine says. “We’ll teach her some common sense, make sure she understands why it’s a bad idea to have so much sugar.”

“I think she realized it towards the end, right before she crashed,” Jane explains, “but can’t hurt to make sure she knows.”

Catherine smiles. “Goodnight, Jane.” she kisses the girl’s forehead.

“Goodnight, Catherine.”

As Catherine leaves the room and heads back into her own, she can’t help but remember the times Mary had managed to get away with something, or broke the rules in a unique way, or had been so clever that Catherine couldn’t help but agree to let her off with a warning. It had been simpler, peaceful times, before things got out of hand.

She misses it, yes, but she also hopes that it never ends for Jane and Katherine. 

Maybe they could have the happy ending Mary and Catherine could not.

With a small chuckle and a prayer for her daughter, Catherine soon joins the others in sleep, a soft smile on her face.

[dontgotothenetherworld]

love alarm au (nick x reader)

ok so i was watching this kdrama on netflix called love alarm (i think it was based off a webtoon? i could be wrong ahaha i don’t research anything) and i really liked the idea of it so i wanted to write a jlp fic about it lol.

basically, there’s this app called love alarm. if someone within a 10 m radius (i think that’s how big it was… oh well) has romantic feelings for you, and they also have the app, they’ll “ring” you. and vice versa, obviously. i’m changing one key rule; the ringing will only work if both parties have the app opened.

2271 words

cw: femreader. nbjo.

everyone was buzzing about a new app. something called love alarm? you were confused by the whole thing.

”hey! jo!” you yelled to your friend. “do you know what everyone’s talking about?”

”yeah!” jo held up their phone, they were downloading the app. “it tells you if anyone around you has feelings for you! and it tells other people when you have feelings for them. but like, it doesn’t say any names, which is kinda weird, but that’s part of the fun, i guess.”

you gulped. “uh do you know if you can change the settings to not notify other people.”

jo opened the app. “it’s called ringing, apparently, and no.” they glanced over the settings, only finding an option for the volume of ringing.

you looked at their screen. “aww no one likes you.” their phone had a big zero in the middle of the display. “wait no. romantically, no one in a, uh 10 meter radius? that’s specific, whatever, has romantic feelings for you. i obviously like, you, platonically, i mean, i’m your friend! i’m rambling, so i’m gonna stop now.”

jo laughed, but seemed disappointed with their number. “you should download it.”

”uh maybe.” you noticed your other friend walking over, eyes glued to her phone. “frankie!” 

frankie’s eyes glance up to see you, then they darted around the crowded hallway.

”hey! jo, y/n, look at this!” she held up her phone, open to love alarm.

”someone here likes you!” you yelled excitedly. “ohmygod i wonder who it is!”

jo looked down at their phone, still at zero.

”i have no idea…” frankie said, but in a way that made it sound like she knew exactly who it was.

the number suddenly jumped up to two, and she looked around again.

”do you have it downloaded yet?” frankie asked.

”i’m not sure if i want to…” 

”it’ll be fun, c’mon!” frankie urged.

”well… okay.” you opened up the app store, and started downloading. on the shitty school wifi, it was bound to take forever.

frankie’s brother, nick walked up to her.

”don’t tell me someone has rang yours yet.” frankie groaned.

”no, not yet.” he said, sadly.

”welcome to the club.” said jo. nick and jo high fived.

”look, don’t let this distract from school. you’ve still got classes to go to!” he lectured the three of you.

”okay, mom.” frankie rolled her eyes.

you glanced down at your phone. 50% downloaded, and 2 minutes ‘til first period. “shit! thanks for mentioning it, nick! i gotta go!” you started running to the opposite side of the school. “love y’all, bye!”

you got to your first period, out of breath, just in time to not be counted tardy. your teacher was really liberal with handing out tardies, even a second after the bell rang… good luck.

you checked your phone again, sliding into your seat. 87% downloaded. and a text from frankie! it was a screenshot of her love alarm, still at two, and a message saying “damn i thought u loved me :’(“

you sent back a cowboy emoji.

”phones up, class! it’s pop quiz time!” exclaimed the dictator, i mean your teacher.

a few periods later was lunch. you and frankie had the same lunch period. you were bummed that jo had an earlier lunch, but they were hanging out with nick, and his friend bella, so they were fine.

”show me your phone!” frankie yelled.

you placed it, face up, on the table. “chill out, woman. no one’s rung it yet, anyway.” you had been obsessively checking since second period. nothing. “any updates on the two from earlier?”

”well, when i went to fourth period, it finally went back down to zero, but then back up to one, so would that be three? or is one of them just, like circling around me?” frankie handed you her phone, currently at zero.

”wait, when did the first go to one?” 

”when i went to first period.” frankie said nonchalantly.

”how the fuck are you not freaking out right now? i would be hounding these two, potentially three, people down!”

”well, if they really want me to know, they would tell me. until then, i will enjoy the ego boost that the ringing has given me.”

”that’s so responsible. i’m suspicious.” you said.

”i know! i am responsible! also, i’ve only been opening the app in crowded places.”

”are you okay? this doesn’t sound like the frankie i know.”

you were going to question your friend more, but your love alarm suddenly went off.

1 person within 10 m has feelings for you.

you whipped your head around, frantically. “who could it be?”

”y/n, it’s back down to zero.” frankie updated.

”so, like, they just walked in and out of the circle, right?” you cursed the crowded lunchroom, that you were in the center of.

”probably.” frankie took a sip of water. “oh! did you hear about jamie and alyssa?”

”no, what happened?”

”alyssa wanted jamie to ring her love alarm, but he couldn’t! and then he rang violet’s!”

”what? how do they know?” 

”alyssa made jamie walk in and out of violet’s circle, and it rang every time he stepped into it.”

”they broke up, right?” you asked.

”obviously. but violet doesn’t have feelings for jamie, so they’re not together either.”

”this app is going to ruin so many lives.” you muttered.

”well, it was bound to happen eventually.” frankie shrugged.

you met up with frankie and jo, just after school ended. well, more like they met up with you. you had gone right up the bell with your test, and when you got out of the class, your friends were standing right there. both on their phones, open to love alarm.

jo stared distastefully at the zero, and frankie stared apathetically at the one.

you opened the app, but before it could load, nick ran over, startling you.

”frankie, look.” he held out his phone. it had a one on it.

”i’m kicking you out of the club.” jo said darkly.

”any ideas who it is?” asked frankie.

you slipped your phone into your back pocket, without looking at love alarm. you knew exactly who rang nick’s love alarm. you just didn’t want to know if he rang yours back.

your crush on nick had started back in freshman year, when you started hanging out with frankie. you would occasionally hang out at her house, and sometimes nick was around. and you just found nick so unbelievably attractive. 

you couldn’t believe it when, in your sophmore year, you and nick had the same seventh period. he sat behind you in class, and was always making jokes. he even offered to drive you home from school. granted, frankie was also in the car, but it still seemed kinda romantic to you.

and you had fallen in love with him along the way. 

but this year, you had no classes together. and yeah, you sent memes to each other pretty frequently, but you didn’t talk, really. you still had feelings for him, but you thought that if there was any chance that he did too, it had gone away.

you didn’t want to be disappointed, so you didn’t check your love alarm.

”y/n, has anyone rung yours yet?” asked nick. but maybe not…

”uh, no. i mean, yeah. briefly at lunch, but i might not be remembering that correctly.”

”can we stop talking about this shit? it’s fucking stupid. and who’s to say it’s in any way accurate?” jo spat.

”it’s alright, jo. not everyone has downloaded the app yet.” you tried to comfort them.

they walked off.

”well…” said frankie.

”uh, they drove me to school today, so can either of you…” you addressed the siblings.

”yeah, i got it.” said nick.

frankie laughed, “why do you want to drive my friend home?”

”she’s my friend too. jeez frankie stop being so weird.” he scoffed.

”eh whatever. y/n always complains about the mess in my car anyway.” said frankie.

”just pick the stuff off the floor and put it in a trash can! you can even put a trash bag in the car! it’s not that hard, frankie!” you exclaimed.

”case and point.” she started walking to the library. “i’ll see you back at home, nick.”

”see ya.” he said. you waved at her. you and nick began walking. “so, y/n, my friend, how has life been treating you lately?”

”like a sucker punch to the gut, my friend. i have had a test, quiz, or pop quiz in every single class to day, apart from lunch, where i got clickbaited that someone likes me.”

”ouch!” hey held open the door for you. “did you just use “clickbaited” in an irl circumstance?”

”eh technicalities.” you laughed.

nick shook his head. “anyway, do you know how you did on any of the tests/ quizzes/ pop quizzes/ forms of torture?”

”ugh no. but the suspense is killing me.”

”speaking of suspense, do you have any idea who, briefly, rang your love alarm?” nick asked, as he opened the driver’s side door.

you hopped into the passenger’s seat. “nada. you?” 

nick started the engine. “i have an idea.” you felt your heart just flatten itself against your chest. what does that mean??

”care to share?” you tried to say nonchalantly, but it probably came across very chalantly. which nick would remind you, is not a real word.

”no. i’d like to be more sure of my guess first.”

”see, when you say logical and responsible things about love alarm, it makes sense. when frankie does, i worry for the emotional safety of the two, potentially three people who rang her alarm today.”

nick laughed, “that makes sense. do you know who rang hers?”

”why, so you can beat them up? that’s what big brothers are supposed to do, right?”

”no, big brothers are supposed to be an omnipresent watchful eye.” it took you a second to get the reference, but you laughed when you did. “but really, no. more like i want to warn them.”

”i have a hunch on who one of them is, but i will follow in your infinite wisdom and not say until i’m more sure.”

”i wouldn’t call my wisdom infinite...” said nick.

you were tempted to open love alarm, but that would be stupid. nick’s phone wasn’t even on right now.

you fell into an awkward silence, and you didn’t know how to break it.

”so, uh. y/n, i’m sorry that i kinda stopped talking to you.” nick said, a couple stop signs later.

”i am also bad at maintaining friendships, so don’t worry.” why the fuck did you say friendships.

”yeah… uh i want to talk to you more. not just send each other tik toks, y’know?”

”tik toks are an excellent form of communication, i have no idea what you’re talking about. but yes.”

”okay, that’s good. by the way, when you’re scrolling on that app, do you just send me every video that says to send to your friends?”

you laughed, “no. sometimes i send you the ones that say send to your enemies. and i send you other stuff!”

”i know, i know! but like, do you send them to like frankie and jo and stuff?”

”um… sometimes? i definitely send the ones that call you ugly to frankie, and i usually send the super mega wholesome ones to jo, but neither of them ever send tik toks back, so i don’t think they really appreciate them.” nick always sends tik toks back. you’ve usually already seen them, but it’s the thought that counts.

nick turned into your neighborhood. “do you think the love alarm actually works?”

”what do you mean?” you asked.

”what if it’s just random. like the different accounts are randomly paired to go off when they’re near each other.”

you thought it over. “i don’t know. that could be the case, but there’s really only one way to find out for sure.” your heart was nearly beating out of your chest.

”do you mean… trying to ring someone’s that you like?” nick asked, slowing to a stop in front of your house.

you shrugged, “i guess.”

nick sat in silence, looking straight ahead, probably thinking deeply about something.

you picked up your backpack, and started getting out of his car.

”wait, y/n!” nick scrambled to dig his phone out of his pocket.

you turned around to face him. “uh what?”

he took a deep breath, “can you open love alarm?” he had his phone already opened to the app.

not knowing what else to do, you obliged. every second that it took for the app to load felt like a thousand hours.

1 person within 10 m has feelings for you.

”i ran through the cafeteria earlier, by the way.” said nick.

you looked up, to see nick. he held his phone facing you. it said the same thing. you pinched yourself, to make sure you weren’t dreaming. you weren’t.

”wh- wait really?” you were dumbfounded. 

nick smiled. “the app works. it really works.” he gazed into your eyes, hopefully not noticing your mouth, which was still hanging wide open.

you felt frozen on the spot, and this was probably getting awkward. but nick! smart, kind, beautiful nick! he liked you. he really did.

he hopped out of his car and ran around to stand in front of you. he placed his hands in yours, still smiling.

”can i kiss you?” you asked.

”yes.” he said. and you did. you kissed the boy who you liked, and who liked you.

@meangirlsx @meangirlmurphy @eliza-is-confused @boredomimi

[simping-on-the-daily]

Get to know Chelsea uncomfortably well! I just hope I can give credit to the person who wrote out the questions. XD

1. What is you middle name? “Not for me!” 2. How old are you? “Well, Thomas is twenty-nine and I was created when he was five, so........twenty-four?” 3. What is your birthday? September 25th!” 4. What is your zodiac sign? “Libra!” 5. What is your favorite color? Pink! Or black! Depends.” 6. What's your lucky number? “19th of December!” 7. Do you have any pets? “Oh, I wish!” 8. Where are you from? “The Mindscape.” 9. How tall are you? “6′1!” 10. What shoe size are you? “I think I mentioned this in another post?” 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? “As many as I want! We don’t need to ‘buy’ stuff.” 12. What was your last dream about? “Virgil and me were riding on a giant carrot. Don’t ask. XD” 13. What talents do you have? ”Really good at Origami!” 14. Are you psychic in any way? “I can sense when people are feeling sad, so sorta?” 15. Favorite song? ”It’s All Love from Trolls: World Tour.” 16. Favorite movie? “The BNHA/MHA movies!” 17. Who would be your ideal partner? “I already have my ideal partner.” 18. Do you want children? “WE CAN HAVE KIDS?!?!” 19. Do you want a church wedding? “I’d prefer a garden wedding!” 20. Are you religious? “Not me personally, but Thomas was raised with a Catholic view.” 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? ”My boyfriend makes sure that never happens. Virgil truly lives up to his name as the protector!” 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? “Nah. We don’t even have laws here! Just basic human decency.” 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? “I was literally created by a celebrity. Of course!” 24. Baths or showers? “Baths! They’re so relaxing!” 25. What color socks are you wearing? “Same as before; black and white striped socks.” 26. Have you ever been famous? “Probably! I am part of a famous YouTube program, so maybe. XD” 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? “I think I already am.” 28. What type of music do you like? “Inspirational Songs! Virgil’s gotten me into Panic! At The Disco.” 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? “This question better fits Remus. :p” 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? “Already answered this!” 31. What position do you usually sleep in? “I’m always hugging something! Whether it’s Virgil or a pillow, nothing can escape my cuddles. >:3″ 32. How big is your house? “It’s always changing because of Roman.” 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? “Usually a pop tart or some pancakes.” 34. Have you ever fired a gun? “Noooooooooooo........” 35. Have you ever tried archery? “Saw Roman try it, did it, broke my foot, cried, and got cuddled.” 36. Favorite clean word? So......just a word?” 37. Favorite swear word? “None!” 38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep? “Thirty-one hours, I think?” 39. Do you have any scars? “If I had, they would’ve healed.” 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? “Nah. Virgil was more like a non-subtle piner.” 41. Are you a good liar? “Not really? I don’t lie a whole lot, so I’m a little rusty.” 42. Are you a good judge of character? “I’ll leave that one in the air.” 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? “My ability to make my voice more relaxing does instinctively change to people’s preferences. If some people think a British accent is calming, I get a British accent.” 44. Do you have a strong accent? “Nah!” 45. What is your favorite accent? “This is a question?” 46. What is your personality type? “?????????” 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? “I don’t it’s ‘expensive’ when you didn’t even buy it in the first place. :p” 48. Can you curl your tongue? “Yep!” 49. Are you an innie or an outie? “Insert the “I AM CONFUSION MEME” right now, please.” 50. Left or right handed? “Men to the left, because woman are always right. :D Quotes aside though, I’m a leftie!” 51. Are you scared of spiders? “Unless they’re watching me in the shower like a perv, then no.” 52. Favorite food? *insert a starry eyed Chelsea rambling about junk food* 53. Favorite foreign food? “Pizza counts, right?” 54. Are you a clean or messy person? “Depends.” 55. Most used phrased? ”I’m here for you.” 56. Most used word? “Love.” 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? “Not long! We can just snap our fingers and poof, we’re camera ready.” 58. Do you have much of an ego? “I’d like to think I’m pretty modest!” 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? “Who. Bites. Lollipops?” 60. Do you talk to yourself? “It’s instinctive. I don’t know I do it until someone points it out. ;p” 61. Do you sing to yourself? “More like I hum to myself!” 62. Are you a good singer? “I’d like to think so!” 63. Biggest Fear? “Letting people down.” 64. Are you a gossip? “.........No?” 65. Best dramatic movie you've seen? “Thinking face: activate.” 66. Do you like long or short hair? “Hair’s hair!” 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? “Nope-” 68. Favorite school subject? “Art was always fun! Even if you technically never went to class....” 69. Extrovert or Introvert? “Extrovert!” 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? ”I think Thomas has, but not me myself.” 71. What makes you nervous? “Not helping others. ‘We need to talk’ is also pretty nerve wracking.” 72. Are you scared of the dark? “I’m not scared of the dark, I’m scared of what's in the dark.........YES I AM-” 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? “Only if it’s like ‘hey, you used that word wrong and it’s actually really offensive.’“ 74. Are you ticklish? “Please don’t let Virgil know-” 75. Have you ever started a rumor? “It was a very minor rumor that never hurt anyone!” 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? “Does being part of the jury in the courtroom count?” 77. Have you ever drank underage? “I was a very good rule following child!” 78. Have you ever done drugs? ”NO-” 79. Who was your first real crush? “Virgil. By extension, he’s my first boyfriend! Hopefully my only.” 80. How many piercings do you have? ”Nippity nopeity none!” 81. Can you roll your R’s? “Bold of you to assume I can even roll my R’s.” 82. How fast can you type? “Pretty fast!” 83. How fast can you run? “Pretty slow!” 84. What color is your hair? “Already answered this, but it’s sorta like a light salmon? Lightish reddish pink?” 85. What color is your eyes? “Magenta and pink! It’s got a sorta effect to it.” 86. What are you allergic to? “I feel really bad for the people who are allergic!” 87. Do you keep a journal? “Used to, and I still have it!” 88. What do your parents do? “I don’t have parents, try again.” 89. Do you like your age? ”Not sure on how to answer this?” 90. What makes you angry? “Like Mr. Rogers said, people hurting other people.” 91. Do you like your own name? “Why do people like this question so much-” 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? “I have! For a boy, I think I said Aiden, Connor and Jacob. For a girl I went with Faith, Hope and Harmony.” 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? “My child is my child, and I’ll love them regardless of their gender!” 94. What are you strengths? “I’m upbeat, optimistic, and comforting! At least, that’s what I think.” 95. What are your weaknesses? “I don’t like these kind of questions? I don’t wanna dwaddle on the bad bits of myself.....” 96. How did you get your name? ”We all came up with our names during high school! Aisha came up with her name and since we both imaginary friends created in the same year, I stuck with the ‘ending with a’ pattern and got Chelsea!” 97. Were your ancestors royalty? “I don’t even have ancestors-” 98. Do you have any scars? “I’m pretty sure we had this question already-” 99. Color of your bedspread? ”Black and pink!” 100. Color of your room? “My bedroom walls? Well, it’s white.”

[letterboxd]

More Foghorn: The Robert Eggers Q&A.

“I wanted to be able to laugh at misery.” —The Lighthouse director Robert Eggers answers your questions and ours about what he’s wearing on Hallowe’en, being cool with memes, and paying homage to Mary Poppins.

The Lighthouse, out now in select US cinemas and opening nationwide this weekend, is the follow-up to Robert Eggers’ feature debut The Witch, one of our highest-rated films of 2016 and the third highest-rated horror of that year.

Similarly, The Lighthouse is firmly in our top ten narrative features of 2019 and is absolutely tearing up the Letterboxd reviews section with reactions like “Eggers holds nothing back in this film. He takes things far past okay and doesn’t apologize for any of it,” (Logan) and “If a bearded, bulging-eyed Willem Dafoe talking like a pirate for one hundred and ten minutes, shot on high-contrast orthochromatically filtered high-resolution black-and-white celluloid that brings out every follicle and pore doesn’t deserve five stars, I simply don’t know what does” (Jonathan).

The film’s success lies in a combination of obsessively detailed production design, singular technical choices (“a black-and-white movie in a stupid aspect ratio”, as Eggers told Filmmaker magazine), the superb acting partnership of Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson as lighthouse keepers on a far-flung rock, a borderline-ridiculous amount of foghorn in the soundtrack, and—in spite of the characters’ miserable circumstances—a hysterically funny script.

When we spoke to Eggers’ brother and co-writer Max at TIFF, he told us that the writing partnership was “a perfect fit; we trust each other, and I think that’s the big thing about writing teams is you gotta trust each other”. Their brotherly relationship naturally enabled the film’s dialogue to head into comedic territory, even as the story itself descends into hallucinatory horror. “Comedy is about that. You’ve gotta be able to be honest and trust yourselves. We didn’t know how it was going to play but, thankfully, I think the fart jokes work.”

Not only do the fart jokes work; the poetically trippy 1890s dialogue became instantly meme-able. It was no surprise, then, that when we invited the Letterboxd community to contribute questions for this interview, many of them dwelled on the script. But first, with Hallowe’en fast-approaching, we needed to know what Eggers had planned.

A24 has put out a helpful guide for those who want to do Hallowe’en as a 19th-century lighthouse keeper. You’re in the middle of The Lighthouse promo tour, but have you managed to plan yours? Robert Eggers: Hallowe’en was my favorite holiday growing up and I made many elaborate costumes, but now that I’m doing this, I will agree with Marilyn Manson where he says: “Hallowe’en is my day off”. It’s time for everyone else to catch up!

At TIFF, we spoke with your co-writer and brother Max about your collaboration. Letterboxd members Kevin and MrRabbit7 are interested in what the writing process was like with Max. Does that relationship allow more of an ‘anything goes’ approach? I know my brother, so it’s easy for us to write together. My movie that was leaked in the trades a couple days ago [The Northman] I also wrote with another writer. I’m finding, as much as I like writing scripts on my own, it’s fun to collaborate. It’s actually joyful to pass the drafts back and forth and see how you’re lifting each other’s work up.

We had many questions (including from John, Austin and Tyler) about The Lighthouse’s dialect and vernacular. Can you tell us about the work you did in constructing dialogue in unfamiliar languages, including the sources you consulted? It’s a lot of research and there is some quoting the sources directly. There’s much more of that in The Witch, where sentences remain intact. There’s very few intact sentences from the research in this film. There’s certainly many turns-of-phrase. When I’m looking at my primary source material from the period, I’m writing down vocabulary words in my own thesaurus that I can turn to.

I tend not to write in modern English and then translate the dialect. I try to write in the dialect even as I’m learning to do it, so the thesaurus is organized more [as] moods and ideas. I’m washing my eyes with words and hoping something turns up that works as I’m moving forward. You’re studying the sentence structure and trying to find the rules.

Thankfully with The Witch, because it was written in early modern English, which was a golden age of English writing, there were plenty of books available to teach me what the rules were. In studying the various Puritans, I could find how different people broke the rules and did things their own way. With this film it was much harder to find that, but eventually my brother came across the work of Sarah Orne Jewett. She was writing in coastal Maine dialect, interviewing working people to get their dialect. My wife found a thesis written by Evelyn Starr Cutler where she provided rules for different dialects—where are ‘r’s omitted and where are ‘r’s added, so on and so forth—so we could create consistent dialects for both characters.

“Why’d ya spill yer beans?” “Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?” Everyone—even A24’s marketing team—has taken to the film with meme-able gusto (exhibit A: these goofy Lighthouse emoji). How does it feel to have your deeply researched script torn apart in this affectionate, ironic way by internet culture? Does it make you hesitate in your approach to writing and directing these types of lines? (This question brought to you by those who quoted those infamous questions in response to this AMA.) No, it’s cool with me. The Lighthouse was designed to be a black comedy and not just have moments of black comedy. The Witch takes itself very seriously, but I think that there’s something kind of film student-y about how serious it takes itself. I’m glad that people can make PlayMobil and Lego playsets as jokes. You need to be irreverent, and with The Lighthouse I was exploring misery again but I wanted to be able to laugh at misery. Werner Herzog talked about it like, you’re on the floor laughing, you know?

You and your brother both have deep roots in theater. After listening to your A24 podcast with brother-in-arms and Midsommar director Ari Aster, Solly F wants to know which playwrights you look up to, and who was particularly useful in your approach to The Lighthouse? I like Shakespeare [laughs]. I don’t know if he was particularly helpful for this, but he’s pretty good! Clearly [Harold] Pinter, Sam Shepard, and evoking the name [Samuel] Beckett is almost worse than evoking the name Shakespeare, but you know, they’re good at what they do, and for this two-hander about identity it was impossible not to think of those playwrights.

Many members are curious about the films that inspire you and, more specifically, your most influential Ingmar Bergman films. So, which Bergman were you looking at for The Lighthouse? Also, Evan McKenzie dares to ask, “Given the chance, which Bergman film should you like to remake?” Well, I would not remake a Bergman movie because that’s just insanity! Even though I dared to talk about remaking Nosferatu—which also probably does not need to be done—so I guess, yes, I am insane. Fair enough question. Obviously Persona and any of his chamber dramas would be the ones I would be thinking about here.

There’s a shot where Willem is knitting and Rob is smoking in the foreground, which Jarin [Blaschke, The Witch and The Lighthouse’s director of photography] and I referred to fondly as our Hour of the Wolf shot. Of course we’re using a much wider lens than Bergman ever would have done and had a different approach to lighting than he did, so it doesn’t seem all that Bergman-esque in the end, even though it was our homage.

Youssef asks: which foreign-language films are your favorites, or provided you an entry point into the non-English language arthouse? The arthouse films that I saw in high school were ones that just happened to be in my local video store. Only one of them is foreign language, The City of Lost Children, but that, Eraserhead, and Brazil were three movies that I can think of that made me ask: “Oh you can do that? Wow!” Julie Taymor’s Titus also was another film from high school that made me realize that there was something other than—and not to speak disparagingly—Spielberg and Tim Burton and whatever was more easy to see in rural New Hampshire cinemas.

Robert Pattinson and Robert Eggers on the set of ‘The Lighthouse’. / Photo: Chris Reardon

The Lighthouse has an ambiguity that has led to many of our members questioning its genre. Even Ari Aster wasn’t sure when he mentioned the film in his Q&A, and you’ve referred to it as a black comedy here. But we have to ask, for the sake of our community’s sanity: is The Lighthouse a horror movie? I don’t see it as a horror movie. But I’ve definitely spoken to people who get my intentions that think it is. So maybe? I don’t care what people call it.

It’ll probably make our top horror lists, if that’s okay. That’s fine.

Let’s not tease too many hypotheticals, since this question is based only on your two-feature output so far, but there is significant interest in whether you’ll branch out into other genres, specifically sci-fi, and other time periods, specifically the future. Well again, pointing to the leaked Viking movie, that ain’t a horror movie. And I’ve written other movies that aren’t horror movies. It’s just The Witch and everything that I’ve actually gotten made so far have been horror or horror adjacent. That’s just how it’s been—fine, happy about it.

Never say never because I am interested in sci-fi. I feel like generally when people are trying to ask big questions and challenge current philosophies, to look at things that are bigger than ourselves today, it’s always done with sci-fi. So for me, I’m enjoying doing that kind of stuff in the past just because that’s not how people often use historical movies today.

Writer-director Robert Eggers.

We love asking filmmakers this and Filbert wants to know: what are your go-to comfort films? The movies you’ve seen the most? Anything that could surprise us? The Big Lebowski I’ve watched a lot. We have a little bit of a nod to it in The Lighthouse when [Pattinson] throws their shit off the cliff and it hits him in the face. It’s pretty damn close to the ashes of Steve Buscemi. I think it’s not going to surprise anyone that I’ve seen The Shining a zillion times. I’ve seen Mary Poppins a lot, and we have a little nod to it with our weather-vane shot.

By the way, when I’m writing it I’m not thinking ‘this is the Big Lebowski scene’ or ‘this is the Mary Poppins scene’. I’m just kind of writing and you say, “well, I know where that came from.”

Finally, the 2010s are drawing to a close and many of us, including Max and John, would like to know: what are your essential films of the decade? I’d have to think about it more, but recently I thought Trey Edward Shults’ Waves is great, Hereditary is great, Parasite’s great… I’m sorry, I haven’t seen Parasite [laughs]. That’s a microaggression, I meant to say Burning is great. Anything by Ciro Guerra [director of Embrace of the Serpent and co-director of Birds of Passage] is great. Yeah, there’s a few.

‘The Lighthouse’ is in US cinemas now. All images courtesy of A24.

[himboholhorse-moving]

1 2 4 7 8 9 13 18 20 26 27 29 30 32 39 40 41 43/44 45 46 49 51 53 55 56 57 59 63 65 that is. so many dghsdghsdgv I'm sorry I just see an ask meme and go crazy aaaa go stupid aaaa. You can just answer whichever u like from those!! also 69(nice): you seem rly nice and funny from your 🅱️osts and I appreciate u... I hope you can find better irl friends who aren't trash

HDSKFJKS I completely understand but lucky for u I LOVE to talk !!

1) How are you?

Pretty good, actually!! Which is a nice change of pace. I went to Walmart with some friends yesterday and got a few things, baked a family recipe that my friends LOVE, and finally did my laundry (it’s been a couple weeks we love depression and executive dysfunction dfhkjsfd). I went to Cracker Barrel with some friends and earlier and played a 4-way game of Tetris after. :3c

2) Post a picture of yourself.

Here you go !!

4) What is your entire name?

Sierra Alexis and my last name is something constantly misspelled so I’ll give you the name of a historical figure whose name is a letter off from mine: George B. McClellan, to whom I may or may not be related because last name variations are fuckin’ WEIRD.

7) Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality.

I’m a Capricorn sun and moon, and Libra rising !! And from what I’ve read on Twitter from various astrologers, like Milkstrology, I LOVE her, I’d say it’s pretty accurate with my personality!! I like to say Capricorn’s aren’t cold bitches but, I Have A Tendency To Be One !!

8) What did you do on your last birthday?

God what DID I do on my last birthday… it was in January, so like, I SHOULD remember… OH I went to IHOP with my friends !! I share a birthday with another friend and I got a JoJo notebook and something called a Fuggler! They’re stuffed animals more or less but designed to be “ugly.” I got one that looks like Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty because I LOVE Gritty… he’s so fun and funky.

9) What is one thing you’d like to accomplish before your next birthday?

Get all my requests in my inbox over on my writing blog done KJHFDJKSF it’s been a few months and life has been. Hectic to say the least.

13) If you could change your eye color, would you?

There’s so much weird as hell brown-eye-phobia so like… I think blue eyes would be pretty neat. OR PURPLE… give me some unnatural eye colors pls...

18) Do you have any tattoos?

Not yet!! I’m going to get one the next time I go back home for break. :3c And I have a few ideas for other ones!! I wanna get a big-ass “Dragon Age: Origins” tattoo that’s the dragon on the cover on my thigh. I also wanna get a DA2 and “Inquisition” tattoo… and the Joestar birthmark… too many ideas… 

20) Left or right handed?

Right-handed !! I could have been left-handed or ambidextrous if I broke my arm AFTER I started kindergarten, but alas that was before.

26) Something you are working on right now:

This !! But also the script for my next podcast episode that I record on uhhh Monday I think. Should probably figure that one out dsjfjhsf

27) Do you have any “rules” about food?

I answered that in the last ask !!

29) What would you say is your best quality?

I also answered this in the last ask !!

30) What do you think you’re really good at?

Writing, I’d say! And memorizing trivia about the stuff I’m super into. If it’s stuff pertaining to “M*A*S*H” or old movies or TV shows or actors or specific historical events, I will know that shit FOR LIFE. Don’t ask me to do math pls thank u

32) What talent do you wish you’d been born with?

I wish I was able to do stuff with music. That was never really in my blood, despite all the music classes they make you take in elementary school. I just never learned how to memorize or read sheet music. :/ I would have loved to play violin, tho… my friend plays and she says I would have been a good cellist.

39) Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?

YES… have for years. I still have my Care Bear from when I was 5, Gritty as mentioned above, a plush of my school’s mascot, and a little Fugo !! He’s so tiny.

40) What do you think about the most?

Everything and constantly and all at once. But the past really because I can never let stuff go and even the small things I mess up on haunt me forever… Wish that wasn’t the case but it is !!

41) Share two habits:

Biting my nails and having a very specific routine in which I get ready when I wake up. Like, I’ve gotta go brush my hair before I put my important cards in my left pocket, then put on my silver bracelet, then my beaded bracelet, then my earbuds in my right pocket, then put my earrings in. I HAVE to do it in that order…

And other oddities that include, like, if I need to go around something I HAVE to follow the urge to go one way and not the other, lest I feel the need to go back and fix it. And then which foot goes first before I reach a crack in the sidewalk, or up or down a curb, etc.

43) What are your career goals?

If I can just make people happy or get some kind of joy out of the things I do, I’d call that enough. :)

44) What is your ideal career?

Mmm, either a film historian or a film professor !! Preferably at the college I’m at right now but wherever the wind takes me, I’ll go! Or a Twitch streamer or YouTuber, it really depends on my mood jdhfjskf

45) Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

It was pretty much the same !! Freshman year was pretty lively, I didn’t have a job on campus yet though, or my podcast. Everything else is basically the same!

46) Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

CONSTANTLY… good or bad it’ll play back over and over and over again.

49) Do you have any phobias?

HOO BOY, DO I… fear of heights; fear of insects/bugs/arachnids/bees/wasps; I have a strong dislike of the number 13 but I don’t know if it’s a phobia, I just. REALLY hate it; the unknown, more or less what lurks somewhere beyond where I can see. Not so much a fear of the dark with that one, just what could BE in it.

51) Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?

I answered this in my last ask, as well!

53) Ever come close to death?

Two or three times, maybe? Two of them involved what’s called a laryngospasm, typically it can happen when your sick, which is what happened to me both times. Basically your throat just closes up on your for a hot minute and you can’t breathe. The first time I genuinely thought I was going to die (and my dad still sent me to school that day… HOE), the second time I was also sick and was losing/had lost my voice DURING A JOB RETREAT and it happened in the middle of the night so that was funny sitting there gasping for breath in the pitch dark.

At the FIRST retreat I went on for that job, you had to take pictures as part of a scavenger hunt, and the place used to be an old military fort, so there were still the old bunkers there. We had to take one on top of it and I was taking the picture, and it’s a wide shot so I go to take a step back but before I do I look behind me. If I hadn’t I would have fallen a good 10-15 feet down onto solid Civil War-era bunker concrete. I’d consider that being a “close to death” moment because I really could have died!

55) A random fact about yourself:

I have a half-brother !! My sis and I finally found him after her 23andMe results came back (which she decided to do despite us being like THE GOVERNMENT WILL COLLECT OUR DATA) and we didn’t think our mom would be happy she found him but she was !! My sis might reach out and contact him, she just wanted our mom’s permission first to do it.

56) What are three things most people don’t know about you?

Well, that I have a half-brother. I don’t mention it a lot. Aside from y’all on here and my sister, most everyone else doesn’t know I’m nonbinary! Everyone else knows I’m bi though lmao. And that there were times I’d stretch or bend the truth or lie about something just to impress someone else. It’s a… Bad Habit. Another thing is that most people don’t know I like coffee? Like I need to put a shit ton of creamer in with it because I’m a Bitch, but yeah.

57) An unknown fact about your life:

I wouldn’t call this an “unknown” fact but I’d used to go to work with my dad every now and again when he worked at the Home Depot and he was assistant manager. I’d either chill in the back room which was an office he shared with two other guys, or walk around the store with him. I had my own apron, too, which was my name with “Mini Mac” next to it, “Mac” being my dad’s nickname and something easier to say than my last name. I actually helped a few customers out so I wonder if I should have gotten paid for that despite being like, ages 9-13 when I’d go jshfkjd

And I guess I technically tested video games as a kid? Basically, when my dad was stationed at Fort Knox, they’d get demos of video games that hadn’t come out yet to test I suppose? and I still have a few somewhere. He’d hand them off to me and I’d play them so there’s that.

59) Five weird things that you like:

Eating globs of wasabi for no reason.

Scaring my friends also for no reason.

I wouldn’t say using cotton swabs to get wax out of your ears because it feels good is weird, just more medically inadvisable if anything.

When I was younger I’d like to floss really hard because the slight pain from it felt good. Young me was a #Freaque KJHDFJJDHF

I don’t know if being fond of alphabetizing and reorganizing things is considered weird but I LOVE doing that.

63) A quote you try to live by:

“It matters not how strait the gate, / How charged with punishments the scroll; / I am the master of my fate: / I am the captain of my soul.” It’s from the poem “Invictus” and the last two lines are what I’m getting tattooed !!

65) Weird things you do when you’re alone:

Practice the “Lucky Star” dance. I GOT THE LYRICS DOWN… JUST NEED TO DO THE DANCE NOW…

69) Leave me a compliment:

“you seem rly nice and funny from your 🅱️osts and I appreciate u... I hope you can find better irl friends who aren't trash”

Anon pls 🥺 I do my best to be nice but my friend really do test me sometimes... my feelings bounce back n forth like if they do something my feelings can switch to angry or like, hate, and then if they do something nice I’ll like them again. It sucks but ! I just take it one day at a time. Anon I care for u 💜💜💜

[wolves-on-caffeine]

Love bites

Whats this? A fic for you? Yep!

Hope you enjoy!

Warning: blood, agrument at end

Logan was hungry, very hungry.

Normally he kept his hunger under control, but he hadnt been able to eat and was starving.

He was desperate.

So when he saw a hooded figure walking alone past an alleyway, he grabbed them.

“Sorry.” Passed logan’s lips as he shoved the hoodie sleeve up and bit into the strangers wrist.

Logan removed his fangs as quickly as he inserted them and spit out the blood. “Whst the fuck is that?!”

The hooded figured held their wrist. “Shouldnt i be asking you that?”

Logan looked at the guy- yes that was a guy- and had to take a second to compose himself. He was….quite attractive.

“Well yes, under the circumstances that would be expected, but in my defense, i am starving and would rather not taste your blood agian. How do you live with such…such…horrid blood in you?”

The guy stared at logan in disbelief. “Ok so..your a vampire im guessing.” Then crossed his arms.“and uh, rude,much? Im anemic.”

Logan ran the definition through his head quickly, and proceeded to take out iron supplements. “Take oen of these, wait are you on medicine alreasy? probably not with how your blood taste, ill make you a doctors appointment, i will,need your name.”

Hooded guy just stared at him. “No.” He gave a smirk.

“What do you mean no?” logan was confused, wouldn’t a human want to have good blood?

Hooded guy shrugged. “ I mean im not taking medicine, and im not going to a doctor. One, I’m broke, two, what are you going to do to make me? Bite me?”

Logan shoved the supplements at the hooded guy. “Name?”

“And im going to tell you, why?”

Logan gave a smile, “because i have your wallet?” and to prove so, he held it up.

Being a 200+ year old vampire means your good at pick pocketing.

“What? How did you- nevermind.” Hooded guy held out his hand for the wallet.

“Im Virgil. Virgil Bloodgood.”

Logan gave the wallet back and made a face.

“That is the most ironic name ever.”

_______

It had been a month since Logan bite Virgil, and yes, he did find a decent meal after words, but he visited Virgil every day.

Crawling through his apartment window, logan asked. “Did you go to your appointment today?”

Virgil looked up from his place at his desk, doing homework (logan found out he is a college student) and adjusted his hoodie.

“Oh my god Logan, can you not just use the door?”

Logan stood and and closed the window behind him. “I would, but you refuse to invite me in…luckily windows do not apply to that rule.”

Virgil just groaned and rolled across the floor in his chair. “No, i didnt go. You can’t make me.”

Logan sat on his bed. “Did you atleast get the cookbook I bought you?”

“Ah yes, "how to be delicious” the cookbook. Wonderful choice. Tell me, do you get this involved with all your meals?“ Virgil played with his bangs as if he didnt just imply the biggest insult of the century.

Virgil? Just a meal? Virgil who Logan, a vampire, has to force to sleep semi normal hours because he won’t sleep? Virgil who wears long sleeves and hoodies and socks and has 20 blankets on and is still cold? Virgil who dyed his hair purple and looks so adorable? Who shows Logan shows and ‘memes’ of the new world he doesnt understand?

Logan hadn’t know virgil long, but he is way more than 'a meal’ to Logan.

Of course, Virgil does not know that, nor need to know that.

"I only wish for you to be healthy. Your blood taste horrible, and it would not kill you to go to the doctors once to get meds and supplements to help. Also, if you ate atlleast normally instead of maybe once a day, I would back off a little, but if you insist on eating only once a day then it should at least be beneficial to you and include iron or -heaven forbid!- a actual food item instead of snacks and chocolate-”

That rant did not end soon.

______

4 more months and Logan and Virgil were friends(?) In a way at least.

Now Virgil was still stubborn about helping himself, but he was at least eating Proper meals, so long as logan made them (if you want me to eat, i don’t cook-ok, i’m cooking) which lead to logan moving in so he could cook when the sun was out.

But convincing Virgil lead to some….funny situations.

“Virgil, you need to eat! I made high iron food.”

“Not hungry.”

“Virgil, you need to eat.”

“Fine ill eat.”

“Rally? i thought it would be more of a fi-”

“If it is covered in garlic.”

“…You disgust me.” And Logan carefully put garlic on it.

___

Another time: Logan had been opening the curtains so Virgil could get some sun (he stood at the side, dont worry) and Virgil hissed and hid under hai bed.

“Oh my god Virgil, im the vampire, get out and enjoy the sunlight.”

“No, you can’t make me. Sunlight evil.”

“Althought i agree with that last statement, you need vitamin D.”

“Logan, I swear, if you want me to get vitamin D so much, ill go to the sunniest beach on the sunniest day in swim tunka just to avoid you.”

Logan laughed at him. “Please Virgil, no offense, but you? in a crowded beach? ” he laughed.

Virgil glared from the bed and moved to sit in the middle of the sun beam. “Ha, now you can’t touch me.”

Logan gave a fond smile to the back of Virgil and nodded. “Oh well”

_____

“I swear Logan, if you try to take me out to get sunlight in that sun hat of yours, i will go into the hall of mirrors and leave you there.”..Logan, who was wearing a daunting floppy sun hat so he could spend days with virgil outside, shook his head.

“Common misconception, but new mirrors show relections of vampires. It was only old mirrors that had silver backing to make it reflective that wont show reflections.”

Virgil had a evil look growing on his face. “Really now?” And went to the computer.

Logan walked over and looked,over his shoulder.“what are you looking up?”

Logan read the screen and gasped. “You wouldnt dare.”

Virgil grinned and hummed as he hit a picture. “I can afford that.”

“Virgil dont you dare hit that button!”

“Aaaaaand bought!”

That was how Virgil became the 'only’ proud owner of an antique silver backed mirror.

_____

Despite all the agruments, they did get along pretty well.

______

“Logan, what happened to the french in the 1800s?”

“Virgil, just because im over 200 years old doesnt mean i know everything.”

“Ok yeah but what happened?”

“Oh well what happened was-” and Virgil had an essay so good his teacher had him stay late to ask if he cheated. And he didn’t! Technically.

______

“Virgil, you forgot to do laundry again.”

“Oh shit, sorry, I forgot. You need your red polo tonight don’t you?”

“Don’t worry about it, i just wanted to inform you that i took care of it and you need not to worry about it. Also.” Logan threw a blandly at Virgil. “I put this in the dryer for a while. You enjoy when they are warm, do you not?”

Virgil cocooned himself instantly, and snuggled into the warm blanket.

“Your the best lo. What can i do to thank you?”

Logan gave him a smile, “maybe….go,to the doctors,tomorrow?”

Virgil,groaned but sighed. “One appointment! No,more.”

____

“Ok, so i say the meme,,you tel me what it means. Ready?”

Logan gave a determined nod. “Yes, i am ready.”

“Yeet.”

“To throw something, or a way to agree or show excitement.”

“Two bros.”

“Refers too two men who were in a hot tub at a large distance, who are not gay. A tragedy.”

Virgil laughed a bit. “Ok ok.. Free sha vacka do.”

“Fresh avocado spelled wrong, a 'mood’ if i am correct.”

Virgil gave Logan a high five. “You’re doing good, Logan!”

Logan smiled at Virgil. “Why thank you Virgil.”

_____

Virgil knocked on Logan’s door at 4 am.

Logan,opened in second, wide awake.

“Virgil? You should be-”

“Asleep? Yeah, but my room is cold, and I have a test at….3 pm today so I’m worrying.”

“Ah yes…may i ask how i am suppose to help?”

“Let ms sleep in your bed with you.”

Logan couldn’t fight the blush. “W..what?”

Virgil walked in and laid on his bed, messing up the perfect sheets as he did so. “I’m cold. Cuddle me.”

Logan stood at the door blushing. Ok so..sleep deprived Virgil is brave, no filter Virgil. Got it.

“I hate to disappoint, but i do not have a body heat to warm,you with,”

“Oh my god, are you going to cuddle me to not?”

Logan slid into the bed beside Virgil obediently and blushed. Virgil, as promise,d cuddled up to Logan and managed to get back to sleep.

Logan could not sleep. Not with the cuteness beside him, instead he carefully planted a kiss to the human’s forehead and smiled.

_____

“Are fangs sexy to vampires?”

Logan was..not expecting that. They were watching Steven Universe, when did fangs pop up?

“I..im sorry but..how did you come to this question?”

Virgil shrugged,sliding into the blankets more. “I’ve kinda been thinking about it for a while..cause you are pretty hot and..fangs add to that. So, as a human, i find fangs hot. But like..do other vampires find fangs hot?”

Logan stared at Virgil. He thought Logan was hot? Well perhaps…

“Well vampires do tend to see fangs as..flirtatious or..intimate…. I..personally..do prefer…flatter teeth myself.”

Virgil blushes and Logan could see the tip of a smile behind the blanket.

“Oh, ok.”

____

2 more months an Logan finally confessed. It was…messy.

Virgil and Logan had been having an argument over his need to have more iron, but it was..getting out of hand.

“I don’t want,to fucking eat that!”

“I know you like this food, you said this was your favorite and it is high in iron!”

"Why can’t you fuck off about my iron!“

"Why can’t you just eat without complaint for once!”

Virgil had grabbed Logan’s tie and pulled him down to eye level. “Will you stop treating me like I’m a fucking farm animal your waiting to chop up and eat! Quit treating me like your fucking meal!” Virgil had let go and backed up a bit, glaring daggers at the vampire.

Logan had to process everything. The argument, the closeness, the tie pulling,

'Your fucking meal!’ Rang in Logan’s head.

Logan grabbed Virgil by his hoodie and slammed his lips onto him, ignoring the tiny drops of blood he got from his and Virgil's lips alike (it was crushed kiss, fangs got in the way a bit)

Breaking the kiss, Logan glared. “You haven't been 'just a meal’ to me! Your sarcastic and honest and fucking gorgeous! You make my heart beat and my head spot working! I want you to eat and take care of yourself because i want you to be healthy, not so I can drink your blood! I love you Virgil, why can’t you see that!”

Virgil’s small squeak is what broke Logan out of it. He let go of his hoodie and backed away quickly, shock on his face.

“Virgil I..i am…"he took a breath, trying to force himself calm. "I apologize, my actions were not…they were uncalled for and I am Sorry I did that-”

“Did you mean it?”

“What?”

“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”

Logan blushed and steeled himself, trying to prepare for the worse. He gave a nod. “I..I do love you Virgil…in a…romantic sense.”

Virgil seemed to relax a bit and rubbed on his bleeding lip. “Well…it would have been nice to be asked first, but….I’m glad.”

“Huh?”

Virgil walked over to Logan and grabbed his tie, gently pulling him in closer and giving him a soft kiss.

“Love you too.”

I loved this! Thank you so much!! I always love receiving fanfic, especially from you. ~S

[atmilliways]

1!

“Toki trying to convince Nathan to do something lame.” It’s lame in the sense that I couldn’t come up with anything particularly lame. I sort of had an idea when I started, but it took a weird hop a little while in and ended unexpectedly. I’m not sure if I want to continue it or rework it to fit into the chaptered fic I’m still toiling away at. 

(mtl prompts list)

—

It started off totally wholesome and innocent. 

Okay, no it didn’t. It started out with Toki walking in on Nathan fucking the manager over his desk, and the little shit ran screaming from the room like he’d just seen his parents doing it and needed to wash the dirty scene from his eyeballs with boiling acid. 

Then the texts started. As a rule, Nathan didn’t bother to read any texts from the Scandinavian guitarists because they were always a horrible mishmash of misspelled words, typos, autocorrects, and non-English words — in other words, completely incomprehensible. Toki, being generally more talkative, was the worst about this. Nathan solved the problem of the Norwegian relentlessly blowing up his phone  first by ignoring it, then eventually by leaving it in his jeans pocket to get taken out with the wash. He was issued a new one, with a new number, the next day. 

Since avoidance seemed to be working pretty well, Nathan continued the trend until it snowballed into the entire band just sort of forgetting to include Toki in things. That worked pretty well for a while too, until the whole Special Persons Invites Club mess. By then Toki seemed to have given up on trying to talk to him about what he’d seen, but Nathan was still vaguely on alert for the idiot to blurt it out right there in front of Pickles and Skwisgaar during a club meeting. Why else would he exclude Murderface, the band member most likely to shit his pants at the news and have a screeching gay crisis that could go on for weeks?

Well, aside from the fact that it was Murderface, that guy was pretty rank. But yeah, so totally incapable of coming out of the closet himself that he’d just ruin it for as many other people as possible. 

When nothing happened, Nathan just sort of figured Toki had forgotten about it. And then he’d started having those weird dreams about whales, and that thing with the liquid master had happened, and Pickles was so mad at him and pissing him off so much it was starting to border on cold war feud territory… and he kinda forgot too. 

Fast forward about a year and Nathan was still reeling from all the shit that had gone down. They all were, really. Everything from Roy’s death to Charles’ sudden resignation to Toki and Abigail’s rescue, it was too much to take in and make sense of. Had they become better people or something? Were they expected to save the world now, all by their dumbass selves? 

It was Nathan’s turn to sit in the box-like hospital room with Toki and keep an eye on him, make sure he didn’t wake up from his frequent drugged naps and go totally postal on the doctors and nurses or whatever, so he was crammed into the unfairly narrow visitor’s chair and trying to think. Not just about all the weird shit that had gone down, either… Ever since that, hrm hrm HRMMM, thing with Abigail on the Dethsub, Charles hadn’t been anything more than politely civil towards him. It had fucked up the whole boss-and-employee-with-benefits thing all to hell, and Nathan couldn’t help wondering guiltily if that was part of why the guy had left. They’d heard through the grapevine that Charles had taken over for that old priest who’d died, but none of Nathan’s calls or texts to the man seemed to go through anymore. 

“Nathans?” croaked a raspy voice. The frontman looked up to meet Toki’s bleary gaze. “Are you here’s to helps me goes to the b-a-s-t-h-r-o-h-m-n-s-e?” 

“Uhhhh…” It took his fumbling brain a moment to figure that one out, but when he got it, he grimaced. “No. They gave you a catheter after you pissed on Skwisgaar and he fell and broke his ass for a couple days. Just… go ahead and pee where you are.”

“Oh.” Toki giggled, either about the Skwisgaar thing or at the privilege of peeing without wetting the bed. “Okays.”

There was a deeply uncomfortable silence, during which Nathan pretended he didn’t know exactly what his band mate was doing over there. 

“Nathans?” Toki asked again. 

Fully expecting to be asked for ice water and a crazy straw, Nathan sighed and levered himself out of the uncomfortable chair. They all took Toki duty every few days, partly to protect the hospital staff but partly to reassure themselves that the kid — even though Nathan was technically younger, it was hard not to think of Toki as the baby of their fucked up little family — really was alive and well. Or at least, healing. Not dead, anyway, and definitely no longer a missing-in-action Schrödinger’s guitarist. After all that time they’d spent dicking around when they could’ve just fucking manned up and helped with the search, getting him water or his deddybear seemed fair enough penance. It beat having to say sorry, anyway. 

“Yeah, what?”

“You remembers… that time what’s I saw you and Charleses doings it up the butts?” 

Nathan froze, all the blood slamming out of his face in shock. “Uhhhhhhhhhh…” 

“Is he mads at you ‘cause of Abigails?” Toki continued weakly but earnestly. “I talks to her yesterdays and she saids maybe that ams what happens why he goes to that church place.” 

The creepy thing about that was, Abigail had opted to be moved to another hospital so she could be closer to her family. Several weeks ago. 

“So maybes whats you should does is… apoljisecks to hims in person, likes you did with Pickle.” 

“Toki, that’s…” Nathan scowled, trying to find the right words to convey how he felt about that suggestion. “Apologizing is really fucking lame and not metal. And you know how I feel about that.” 

Toki just looked at him with a grimace that said, Reallies? Okays, we does it this ways then. He groped around for the bed controls and hit the button that elevated his pillows slightly, so he was practically sitting up. 

“Nathans,” he slurred, “I talks to all the guys, and they says you should does it. Espescially Pickle, he said he was ams very moved whens you did it to hims. And Skwisgaar says you ams really bumming everyones out because you needs to get laid. Even Morderface agrees you beens in a real weirds mood since the submarines… I think that says a lots.” 

“What… does that say?” Nathan asked with menacing slowness, his scowl deepening stubbornly, but on the inside he was totally freaking out. Toki had talked to the guys about this? All of them? 

And those assholes actually backed him up on this apologizing thing? 

Toki gave him a wavery smile. “That you misses and cares about hims.” 

“I don’t— God, you’re making it sound gayer than it actually is.”

“Whats am gayer than sex in the butts with two guys?” Toki asked, puzzled.

There wasn’t really any good answer for that, so Nathan just stomped over to the window and glared out through it at nothing, his arms crossed sullenly over his chest. Yeah, he was pissed at Toki, but dammit if the kid hadn’t hit a nerve about his conflicted feelings over their former manager.

He thought about the long string of texts on his phone — all sent to Charles, with no reply for months. At some point the stupid knock knock jokes and links to cat memes had given way to things like Did you get my text and Just fucking talk to me you dick.

He thought about how he really had been in a piss-poor mood ever since being stuck on that sub for three months, and how it no longer felt quite adequate to simply blame his own actions on Charles holding out on him so they could all focus on the new album. After all, it was the album that was somehow supposed to save the fucking world, right? And sure, Charles could’ve explained that at the time, but Nathan had to admit it wouldn’t have had the same convincing affect as a giant flying dude coming out of nowhere and murdering the head of their record label with scary-ass mind powers. 

He thought about fooling around with Charles, getting the guy to loosen up a little for a change, and how afterwards Charles would be all relaxed and pliant and actually laugh at shit like a normal person… 

“Nathans?” 

“WHAT?” 

“Can I haves a cups of ice waters whats got a real cool straw?” Toki asked petulantly. His pout at being snapped at was practically audible. 

When Nathan stomped out of the room to get the requested drink, he stopped a passing doctor by grabbing onto one lab-coated arm and swinging her around. 

“Hey,” he demanded gruffly, jabbing a thumb back over his shoulder towards Toki’s room, “is that dildo okay to be moved?” 

The doctor blinked. “Um, yes, Mr. Explosion. He still needs to be on medication, but he’s healing up more quickly than expected.” 

“Good,” Nathan growled, “because were going on a trip. Get him ready to go by… uh, just as soon as possible. Got it?” He’d been about to say tomorrow, but now that he’d decided on his next course of action he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Releasing the bewildered physician, he rounded on the klokateers standing guard outside Toki’s door. “You guys, you call… someone, and make sure the submarine is ready to go. And tell all the guys, too.” 

He straightened up to his full imposing height — not that anyone around him needed to be more intimidated, it just felt cool and important to do every once in a while. Without realizing it, his growl was starting to take on some of the ominous rumble of prophecy. 

“We’re going back into the ocean.”

[dismalzelenka]

20 Questions

@buttsonthebeach tagged me in the getting to know you meme, but since I did that one recently I took the liberty of breaking the rules and finding another tag meme to answer instead. >:Dc

1. One thing you would change in your personality?

The constant undercurrent of social anxiety that renders me completely unable to speak coherently at the worst possible moments. I would love to have steady employment, social anxiety. Please stop cockblocking my job status. :^)

2. What is your DA rare pair?

MARIAN HAWKE AND RALEIGH SAMSON

GO RAID MY AO3, MY KIRKWALL TRASH HEAPS ARE WAITING

Sweetest Downfall

Arms Around the Past

3. A song that made you cry?

Passage by Vienna Teng. I've never had a song get me completely unglued on the last six words before this.

4. The best movie ever?

Love, Actually.

Fight me.

5. Food you will never eat?

C I L A N T R O >:(

6. Your celebrity crush?

Felicia Day. Mark of the Assassin DESTROYED me. 😅

7. Your favorite DA location and why?

Vigil's Keep. Because like. You're the head dumpster fire, in charge of recruiting more dumpster fires, and also you're apparently running an Arling that you never asked for and you have to deal with all these shitty nobles all the time but YOUR DUMPSTER FIRES are all right there beside you and you have the best papa dumpster fire ever who kicks nobles out of your dumpster fire house when you're tired of partying and basically it's this tiny fucked up little family and you all stumble down to breakfast in the morning in various states of hung over except for that one dwarf guy who's probably still drunk, you eat your eggs and toast in cranky silence, and then you go be big goddamn heroes.

....I really loved Awakening ok. Fite me.

8. You’re a night or a morning person?

I'm like a "night but the part of night where it's technically morning right up til morning" kind of person.

9. You have any tattoos?

Yus.

Nobody sigil from Kingdom Hearts wrapped in a treble clef between my shoulder blades.

A design of Helios on my left upper arm with "Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken" underneath it because House Martell prideeee.

The Arabic word for "cat" on my left forearm, drawn to look like a cat.

I'm saving up for a griffon tattoo and maybe a stylized one of "can I get you a ladder so you can get off my back?" :3

10. How many languages you speak?

Fluent in English. Can understand Korean fairly well, but can't speak it quite as easily. Basic fluency in Italian. I can read it much better that I can speak it.

11. Where would you most like to visit?

The mountains in South Korea. I was born there and I've only ever been back to Seoul and a village on the outskirts where my grandparents lived. I want to spend like a week or so out there under the stars. ❤️

12. What’s the best book you’ve read?

The Poisonwood Bible.

So I was forced to read this in high school. And I went to a Baptist high school, so of course when I saw this summary of it I immediately went "oh fuck no."

"The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver, is a bestselling novel about a missionary family, the Prices, who in 1959 move from the U.S. state of Georgia to the village of Kilanga in the Belgian Congo, close to the Kwilu River."

Like. I was FULLY prepared to grit my teeth and spark notes another goddamn glorified colonialism story.

And then I read the damn thing.

And y'all this book is FUCKED UP. That missionary family? It's told from the POV of all of the daughters as they watch their father get more and more fanatical and abusive, as they struggle with culture shock, NONE of them wanted to be here, the majority of them slowly start to lose their faith and abandon their religion.

One of the girls is very clearly neurodivergent, but she's not really written as a character you're supposed to feel sorry for, and she's a total badass.

It has its problematic elements, but I think the fact that it's now seared indelibly into my brain is because I was 100% expecting a fucked up pro missionary story and ended up finding a story of the shit that happens to everyone else in the periphery of said pro missionary stories.

Was incredibly surprised to have read this in my AP Lit class at a Baptist high school, but goddamn, it shook me.

13. Who is your favourite BioWare character?

A N D E R S

Anders is my boy. I will ride or die for Anders. Anders was right. Fuck the Chantry. F I T E M E.

Bonus: fine Dwarven crafts, direct from Orzammar

14. Who’s your least preferred BioWare character?

Going to stick to Dragon Age because I'm too tired to rummage through my brain for other fandoms. And there's so many people I hate in Mass Effect. Hah.

Anyway. Livius Erimond kind of grinded my gears a lot, so much so that in my first mage playthrough I pissed off a ton of people and made him Tranquil. Like. My entire inner circle disapproved, it was fucking amazing. I'll never be able to make myself do it again because I felt so dirty after that I literally had to pause the game and take a shower, but man. Erimond is really good at pressing buttons.

15. What’s your favourite game?

Dragon Age Inquisition and Mass Effect 3. And Neverwinter Nights: Hordes of the Underdark. Valen Shadowbreath was my first bioware love.

16. What’s your spirit animal patronus?

According to Pottermore it's a dragonfly but I'm pretty sure it's actually a cat.

Going with patronus instead of spirit animal because I've been asked to avoid appropriating that term as someone who is not of Native ancestry, and so I shall. Respect indigenous cultures. ✌️❤️

17. Cake or ice cream?

Fine Dwarven cakes, direct from Orzammar. Preferably almond or Chantilly. :D

18. Dogs or cats?

🐈 Kitties 🐈

19. What was your favourite DA romance?

3 Way Tie (although this could change since I haven't done all of them myself.)

Anders - because his whole arc is just so FUCK THE CHANTRY and he's such a Good Person who is Struggling and at the end of the day he's a soft feathery boy who loves you and cares about making people not hurt anymore and also is into some wild shit in bed and also loves cats. Let's be mentally ill cuddly softs together, Anders, I will give you my everything always, my soft feathery mage boy. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Leliana - soft but stabby song princess becomes the pope and her devoted girlfriend wife swoons quietly through all of it.

Cullen - weirdly enough, I did not expect to enjoy this romance as much as I did. I kind of hated him in the first two games, like when I ran into him in 2 I still hadn't forgiven him for the "KILL ALL THE MAGES" outburst and was just like. "Ugh it's this motherfucker." And then I saw him again in Inquisition and was like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHITHEAD DOING HERE? HE'S FIRED. FIRE HIM, CASSANDRA.

But then Cassandra never reciprocated my affections, Blackwall yelled at me on the battlements about propriety and we're at war so I dumped him, and then Vivienne turned me down and I was like FINE FUCK ALL Y'ALL I'M GONNA SMOOCH CULLEN OUT OF SPITE.

And then he's all like. "I went through some shit. I said some really fucked up stuff. Also I'm trying to get clean and it's literally killing me but I don't want anything to do with that old life anymore." And the chess scene, and then me getting really personally enraged at all the Orlesians copping nonconsensual feels at Halamshiral and then I woke up one day and was like wow OK this dude's alright, he's even kind of cute, I guess I can-

"marry me?" "OKAY YES."

*shrug* I'm weak.

20. Do you prefer sunshine or are you a winter person?

Sunshine in winter, ideally, but if I have to choose between one or the other, winter.

Anyway. I broke rules, oops. Gonna tag @sasshole-for-rent @suzumicchi @joufancyhuh @laraslandlockedblues @becauseanders @inner-muse @ladymdc @agentkatie @kawakaeguri @a-shakespearean-in-paris @ekoorb03 @lyrium-lovesong @5ftgarden

[prairiechzhead]

PrairieChzHead Rewatches Poldark S3 Legally--US Ep 4/UK Ep 5.

You know the drill. I revisit the answers I submitted to the @poldarkpodcast when they reviewed S3E5, which I submitted in this post. Then, I add more of my 2 cents. Sometimes, my opinions haven’t changed. Sometimes, they have changed. That’s the beauty of the rewatch. 

I also like to add gifs and memes and stuff. Consider this post spoilery for the entire season, so if you haven’t watched the entire season when it aired in the UK this past summer, you may want to keep that in mind. 

I also have the UK DVD for series 3. This episode has a commentary track. Getting a region free DVD player was one of the best decisions I ever made. 

The answers and answers are after the jump.

What did you think of this week’s episode?

Loved it! I think it was the best one yet because of how it played with my emotions.

Still my favorite episode of the season--tied with the previous week’s episode. 

Your favourite scene? Why?

The scene where we get to see Ross’s inner conflict between doing the right thing and being there for the people he cares about versus being reckless or being accused of being reckless. This scene shows this conflict by intercutting with him rowing harder and faster as the accusations of recklessness from those he let down play in his head. I think it also shows a lot of character growth on the part of Ross. Before, we’ve only heard him express regret when something went wrong, but we’ve never seen this conflict or doubt before the end result happened. I think it also shows how hard Henshawe’s death hit him and how he feels responsible for that.

Some people have argued that this was cheesy. However, I disagree. It was necessary to show this because it was the only way to convey a long passage from the novels of what was in Ross’s head to a TV audience. I also think it was necessary because before this, we weren’t necessarily privy to what was going on in Ross’s head or what he was thinking or feeling. 

I’m currently binge-listening to the audio books for the Poldark series. (Audio books are a blessing on long car trips.) I’ve just finished Book 2 Demelza  and I’ve started Book 3 Jeremy Poldark.  The advantage the books have over the TV program is that Winston Graham lets us into the characters’ heads so we know what they are thinking at a specific time. We don’t get this on the show because it has to be shown, and given the time and budget constraints, it’s difficult for DH to include all of this. Because we don’t get to see this or know this, a character’s actions may be misconstrued by some people. 

Ross has feelings. He doesn’t show them. But he thinks about them and the only way we get to see them on the show is if they show them to the audience. 

I still love this scene and it is still my favorite. 

Least favourite? Why?

Henshaw dying. I’m not thrilled that they killed off his character. I understand that it was done to show that he is loyal to Ross and he cares about the people around him. This loyalty and care for others extends to him even being willing to risk his life for them. Still there is a part of me that wishes that it was one of those no name actors who had to guard the boat that died.

I still hate that Henshaw died. Upon rewatching the season, they telegraphed this pretty loud and clear. I will miss you.  #RIPHenshaw

Favourite new character? Why?

The toads. Because George hates them.

She’s not even a character in this show, but this is the first time that during the Weekly Twice Hourly Reading of the Donors, we got a cameo from Darlene Shiley, who adores Masterpiece so much, she donates enough scratch to be able to tell us herself how much she loves Masterpiece. 

Least favourite new character? Why?

I’ve been holding off on this because I decided to wait until he actually was in a position to do something worthy of my scorn. My least favorite new character in this episode is Hugh Armitage. When he said to Demelza at the end that he intended to make the most of his freedom, my first thought was, “Oh, I bet you will, you homewrecker.” I’m watching you, Armitage.

I’m still watching you, Armitage. Like a hawk. Or a hawk with bifocals. 

They’re telegraphing Lt. Armitage’s intentions rather loudly, aren’t they? 

What made you cheer?

Technically, I did not cheer, unless you wish to expand the definition of cheering to include “ugly-crying”, but for me that moment was when Ross entered the room where Dwight was. I was gone after that.

Yassss!  The bromance lives! 

I did a mini-cheer whenever Elizabeth pushed back at George’s reaction over Valentine’s having rickets, his trying too hard to climb the social ladder, and George’s obsession with Ross over this MP rumor. It was nice to see her being assertive, and not sitting at her vanity, putting laudanum in her wine for most of her screen time.

This has not changed. I liked that she thinks some of these social events are dull and boring. 

What made you want to throw things at the television/computer screen?

George. First, his disdain for Valentine having rickets. Really, George? He’s “the Warleggen Heir”? You’re so shallow that you think less of your son because he has a curable medical condition? Second, George’s insecurity over a RUMOR that Ross was running for MP and this “mission” to ruin Ross so he wouldn’t get elected. DUDE. GIVE IT A REST.  The only things that made this bearable was how he completely embarrassed himself in front of Lord Falmouth, whom he was trying to impress, Elizabeth calling out George on making an ass out of himself (I loved that she was able to put him in his place), AND the crestfallen look on George’s face when he learned that one of the rescued prisoners was Lord Falmouth’s nephew, Hugh Armitage.  I think it does a disservice to George’s character to ramp up his insecurities more than they are portrayed in the novels because it makes George look weak. Plus it looks worse when there is no moderating influence–such as George’s father in the books. George has weaknesses, and they can drive him to be petty and do petty things, but his weaknesses and his strengths are balanced in the books.

George’s obsession with Ross still bugs the crap out of me, but it’s tempered now because of something that will happen in the season finale. His obsession was amped up for the show in order to make the forthcoming scene in the final episode of S3 have more of a punch. His reaction to his son having rickets bothers me as a human being because I have a personal issue with parents rejecting children for things that are beyond the child’s control--like a curable medical condition such as rickets. 

Although I was seriously gratified when Demelza basically owned George at that ball. 

What was your performance of the week?

Aidan Turner. All the emotions he portrayed and so well. His performance is 95% of the reason why I was ugly-crying.

I was saving video of the scene which triggered most of my ugly-crying. Here it is. 

Most favourite memory of Captain Henshawe #RIPHenshawe

The scene in season 2 when they struck tin and he broke his “no alcohol” rule.

My other favorite “Henshawe” moment is not from Poldark, but from Being Human, S1E6, where John Hollingsworth played a vampire who was harassing George Sands (played by Russell Tovey), who is a werewolf. Mitchell (Aidan Turner), also a vampire, showed up and saved George, even though vampires and werewolves hate each other. In a weird way that involves mental gymnastics, “Henshawe” was partially responsible for Mitchell and George meeting. And without their meeting, there would be no renting of the house in Bristol, no meeting Annie, and no Being Human. Without Being Human, there would not be the best (non-sexual) scene ever in the history of ever: 

We owe this all to Henshawe. Bravo, sir! Bravo! 

Any other observations you wish to share with us!

I really, really loved the song at the end at Henshawe’s memorial. That was so beautiful. The harmonies just gave me goosebumps.

I was scared they were going to cut this out. Seriously. I’m glad they didn’t. 

I know that people are vocal in their hate on the Dwight/Caroline reunion on TV, but I didn’t mind it. The banter is so them. Those who feel these two characters have been short-shrifted so far in this series do have a valid point.  I have this feeling that there is a reason for it. I have a feeling that they will get more airtime when the PTSD storyline gets underway.

Boy, was I ever wrong about the more airtime feeling. I think I had that confused with hot flashes. Or gas. Or acid reflux. 

Yeah. It was acid reflux. 

On the UK DVD, this is one of the two episodes that have a commentary track. Aidan Turner and Sean Gilder (Tholly) are doing the commentary. There was a moment at the end of the episode when Dwight, who has scurvy, and Caroline were reunited and were kissing and all those things that people who are reunited do. Aidan pipes up at that moment and asks “Is scurvy contagious?” And I’m over here sitting in my favorite chair laughing my ass off at this. It was one of a few perfectly timed funny lines in the commentary track. 

Hopefully, the US DVD release won’t cheat us out of a commentary track like they did with Season 2. Being cheated out of a commentary track is my main motivation behind buying a region free Blu-Ray player. 

There was another moment that I didn’t catch the first time around. There was a moment that kind of made me laugh and it was when Reverend Whitworth gave George the side-eye when discussing a rumor about Ross being a candidate for MP.

How do the British get “leftenent” out of the word “lieutenant”? I’ve always wondered this. 

I’m not going to list all the edits because as I type this part, my sinuses are killing me and I just want to watch the episode and not worry about what got cut. Most of them are a second or two here and a second or two there, anyway, so the episode as a whole feels choppy. The cuts don’t matter to me because I have the DVD. 

So if you don’t like that they had to edit the broadcast version, get the DVDs. 

Well, that’s all for this week. Next week, toads. Lots of toads. Lots and lots and lots of toads. So many toads, you might even get warts. 

[barbecuedphoenix]

400 Followers: Tag Meme

I got double-tagged by both @camec and @dragongirl98765​, so there’s nowhere left to run.  

But this is a fun meme, no lie. ^_^ A lot less writing for me; phew!  

Rules: tag nine people (approximately) and bold the statements that apply.

APPEARANCE: i am 5′7′ or taller (Ha ha) |  i wear glasses/contacts (contacts in the day, glasses at home/night) | i have at least one tattoo | i have at least one piercing (just in the ears; low maintenance scarring, please. ^_^) | i have blonde hair | i have brown eyes | i have short hair (always; it’s naturally coarse and impossible to maintain past shoulder-length) | my abs are at least somewhat defined (Ha ha ha) | i currently have/have had braces (plus tooth extraction, because my mouth is far too small to hold 32 full adult teeth. My skull is going to make a forensic anthropologist turn their head one day.)

PERSONALITY: i love meeting new people (eh… depends on the day. -_- ) | people tell me that i’m funny (though I’m not stand-up comic material, I almost-always toss in a joke when I talk) | helping others with their problems is a big priority for me (it’s an obsessive compulsion; one time, I nearly got myself physically hurt defending a stranger in a parking lot) | i enjoy physical challenges | i enjoy mental challenges | i’m playfully rude with people I know well (the ‘playful’ part is debatable, according to some family members… >_>) | i started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it (I have a high baseline potential for irony, so this doesn’t count) | there is something I would change about my personality (*looks at my list of new year’s resolutions* Er… <_<)

ABILITY: i can sing well (alto range only, so this doesn’t exactly count either. :/) | i can play an instrument | i can do over 30 pushups without stopping | i’m a fast runner (my friends tell me I’m a *creative* runner: I zigzag, leave obstacles, and search for hiding places when I have to outrace someone) | i can draw well (Ha ha) | i have a good memory (Biology nerds have to have a decent memory to survive exams. All that technical vocab…) | i’m good at doing math in my head (Not instant trig, but as a kid, I trained myself to do some fast arithmetic & rounding) | i can hold my breath underwater for over a minute (fun fact: I once spooked my classmates by staying underwater in a pool for 3 minutes, twice in a row. To conserve energy, you have to slow *everything* down, especially thought and heartrate.) | i have beaten at least two people in arm wrestling (I got beaten *by* at least 2 people in arm wrestling, but I don’t think that counts) | i know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch (*college survival mode*) | i know how to throw a proper punch (a ‘proper punch’ has its limits when you’re not even 100 lb. >_>)

HOBBIES: i enjoy playing sports (nope; you’re talking to someone who regularly gets knocked in the head by projectiles she can’t catch.) | i’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else (see the previous) | i’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else | i have learned a new song the past week | i work out at least once a week (biking counts?) | i’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months | i have drawn something in the past month | i enjoy writing (oh yes!) | fandoms are my #1 passion (surprisingly, no...) | i do or have done martial arts (aikido back in grade school. I really need to pick it up again…)

EXPERIENCES: i have had my first kiss (lots of other ‘firsts’ came with that incident, actually. >_>) | i have had alcohol. (not often; I’m a pure lightweight who gets a hangover while she’s drinking) | i have scored the winning goal in a sports game | i have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting (it was one of those days…) | i have been at an overnight event (I’m a practiced insomniac) | i have been in a taxi (which crashed into another car too. What a night that was. >_>) | i have been in the hospital or ER in the past year | i have beaten a video game in one day (it was another of those days) | i have visited another country (quite a few; my yearly homecoming route alone crosses a lot of countries) | i have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

MY LIFE: i have at least one person i consider a best friend (it’s more like I rotate between different friends for different types of company) | i live/lived close to my school | my parents are still together (they had to really fight for it, but that’s the standard story of 30 years of marriage) | i have at least one sibling (two, actually) | i live in the united states (my Yankee English and Trump jokes must have given me away. ;) ) | there is snow right now where i live (actually, there’s almost never any snow where I live, even in December. This city freaks out and shuts down operations if we get more than an inch of snowfall.) | i have hung out with a friend in the past month (my friends are all *very* scattered, so it’s mostly phone calls & Skype) | i have a smartphone (which I still use like a dumb ‘cellphone’ most days. Don’t judge me. >_> ) | i have at least 15 cd’s | i share my room with someone (My brother shares an apartment with me… but my room is very much off-limits to him. -_-)

RELATIONSHIPS: i’m in a relationship (nah, and I’m not looking for one either this year) | i have a crush on a celebrity (*cough* still Michael Fassbender *cough*) | i have a crush on someone i know (no eye candy this year. *sigh* :( ) | i have been in at least 3 relationships | i have never been in a relationship | i have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them (funny story: the first guy I passed my phone-number to never replied, or told me he had a fiancée. Until she called me several weeks later after trying to stalk me on Facebook, and told me she broke up with said fellow after finding my phone-number among his things. Since then, I don’t ask people out; I wait. >_>) | i get crushes easily (it really depends the guy; I’m drawn to very specific types, like a magnet to a hadron collider) | i had a crush on someone for over a year (ever since the movies Fish Tank and Jane Eyre. Gosh... I feel like a creep. -///-) | i have been in a relationship for at least a year | i have had feelings for a friend (only once back in secondary school; these days... it’s more like the other way around. >_>)

RANDOM SHIT: i have break-danced | i know a person named jae (a lot of Korean kids, actually, in both grade school and college) | i have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce (nothing a little practice with an online tutorial couldn’t fix) | i have dyed my hair | i’m listening to one song on repeat right now | i have punched someone in the past week (yes, that will do wonders for my social life. >_>) | i know someone who has gone to jail (someone I once worked with in college; I still don’t know where the poor guy is now. :( ) | i have broken a bone | i have eaten a waffle today (Actually... I had part of a blackberry pie I baked, from berries I personally collected this summer. ^_^) | i know what i want to do with my life (more or less) | i speak at least 2 languages (not at the same proficiency level, but it’s there) | i have made a new friend in the past year (I’ve made one or two minor friends in classes, but nothing lasting past the quarter) 

I hereby tag @kacychase, @muchelegantlio, and @eldaryastuffs. Though if you’ve done this already, feel free to ignore this shout-out. ^_^ 

[iguana012]

The Lord of the Wedding Rings: The Return of the King - iguana’s 2017 HELLsinki Worlds recap

This is it guys, the last big competition before the Olympics. So much potential for great skates, great disasters and great distress; this competition did not fail to deliver. Nor did the announcers, who were screaming out names and scores as if it were a wrestling match. And it was, in one way or another. Albeit a sparklier one. For a brief couple of days, we thought Javier Fernandez was gonna win his 3rd consecutive World title and I almost had those memes ready but at the same time I knew coming from behind like a wrecking ball was Yuzuru Hanyu’s specialty. To nobody’s surprise Evgenia Medvedeva broke a record; to everyone’s surprise, she only broke it in the long program. Meanwhile, Wenjing Sui and Cong Han’s blues for koolk brought the pairs crown back to China and Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir purple rained on Gabriella Papadakis and Guillaume Cizeron’s parade. Let’s start the recap!

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Technical Panel, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Nine to the Judges, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And the rest of the rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and the will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. Deep in the land of Eden, in the Fires of Mount Timshel, the Philosopher Lord Machida forged a master ring in secret, and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate Hanyu’s all life. One ring to rule them all.

But on April 1st 2017, the world had changed. Yuzuru Hanyu could feel it in the ice. The stars were veiled. Something stirred in the East of Eden. A sleepless malice. The ring was THERE.

Ok seriously now, this guy had been waiting for this gold for 3 years. The first time he got it there were HOLY SHITS and OH MY GODS and CONTROVERSIES because 2014 Worlds is still remembered as that one competition where the difference between gold and silver was 

None of that shit here. Yuzuru Hanyu’s long program performance should be framed and taken into the church. Because no one else comes close to his ability to make those quads look like spinning on a fucking chair, all the while hearing music in the background and interpreting it. He really needed this gold medal and I’m glad he got it. 

World Silver Medalist Shoma Uno has been skating to Fantasy for Violin and Orchestra (aka Ladies in Lavender) all season and that’s a song I will personally forever associate with Tatsuki Machida’s retirement (ahahahah) but that program gave Shoma a new personal best, a medal, and a 2nd place in the World standings. Not too shabby going into the Olympic season. 

Boyang Jin has successfully defended his bronze medal with two great programs. I just can’t believe it was only 2 years ago when he and Shoma were battling for the JUNIOR Worlds gold and now here they are giving some uncles a run for their money. His quad lutz is a masterpiece. It can probably belong in the Sistine Chapel. 

Javier Fernandez’ Elvis wasn’t successful enough for the long program. While he dominated the short with his Matrix Malaguena, Hanyu skating a flawless program before him proved to be too much pressure for the two-time World Champion (how the fuck). tl;dr it was a mess. Probably a ~hot~ mess for some ladies and gents. 

Patrick Chan has successfully defended his 5th place from last year but this time he got a small bronze medal and joined the 100 club in the short! He also landed a quad salchow and not so Canadian axels. His programs this season were great and his skating is great. 

Nathan Chen had boot issues huh? Well honestly, after US Nationals and 4CC I would have been very surprised to see him skate another clean competition because: it’s his first senior year, he is pressured af, he will be even more pressured going into the Olympic season but hey - at least he got a nice, cold bottle of Coca-Cola to make him feel better. 

THE LADIES

And here’s the most disastrous event of the whole shebang. Well at least it was disastrous enough for Evgenia Medvedeva to refrain herself from smiling during a 9/11 program?? I guess??

Heavy silver medal favorite Anna Pogorilaya reverted to the old Pogofalls in the long program. It was almost like she’s been under a spell since Boston and it broke near its 1 year anniversary. That was certainly not what the Russian federation wanted to see, but Maria Sotskova wasn’t much better either. All in all Ilia Averbukh proved his point; his programs can save the world and Russia’s 3 spots at the Olympics. 

Speaking of spots, the Canadian ladies managed to get 3 spots for the first time in a millennium and they did it in high fashion; both Kaetlyn Osmond and Gabby Daleman made the podium. Who would have guessed? Figure skating is full of surprises after all. And it looks to me like the judges are more ready to reward Osmond than Pogorilaya. She’s going with a good reputation in the Olympic season and she has the support she needs to follow the footsteps of Joannie Rochette. All she has to do is deliver. 

Delivering is not always the best solution for other girls though. Wakaba Higuchi was criminally underscored in the short program. And by criminally I mean she can sue those judges for boycotting Japan getting 3 spots. With a 3Lz-3T and a 3F in the second half of the program she was 9th after the short. Really bitch? Really? They suddenly decided they were gonna punish the lack of steps into the solo jump? The fuck? Mai Mihara was great but that mistake in the short program was very costly Veeery costly. And lastly Rika Hongo was very brave. She was tired, she was injured, she wasn’t supposed to be there. But she was brave and I applaud her. 

The American ladies were lucky. And they did enough to keep 3 spots. The judges also did enough there I said it. Karen Chen did great, I love her short program. 

Basically everyone got back home having fulfilled their main goal, except for Japan, who has the deepest field in the World after Russia. For the first time in over 10 years, only two ladies will represent Japan at the Olympics. Figure skating fans are speculating who JSF will favor which ladies are more likely to get it. Will Mao Asada get her triple axel back? Will Satoko Miyahara manage to get back to her top form after injury? Will Marin Honda make a splash in her first year as a senior? Will Mai Mihara continue to stay consistent? This topic probably needs a separate post of its own. 

PAIRS AND ICE DANCE

Aliona Savchenko is a badass. The height she gets on the triple twist is probably the equivalent of two, two and half quad lutzes of Boyang Jin. Also throw triple axel!! Wtf bro my ankles hurt just looking at it!!

But Wenjing Sui and Cong Han were no doubt the class of the field. Two A-M-A-Z-I-N-G programs. You can see how connected they are. Not a single movement is wasted. Truly a gift in the field and I’m so grateful Wenjing recovered so well. 

Shoutout to Xiaoyu Yu for her potato finish! She’s done so well this season considering circumstances. And she’s so beautiful to watch!

Gabriella Papadakis and Guillaume Cizeron had pretty uninspiring programs this season but the free dance they put together was perfection. Yeah it’s nothing we haven’t already seen but everything about that performance was top stuff. 

Scott Moir had to fuck up to showcase Tessa Virtue’s flawlessness. But their Prince SD is great stuff. So great it broke some nice records. Including most of the free dance event (seriously what the fuck was that mess).

This is probably all I have to say about Worlds? This review sucks big time but I’m so tired I feel like I've been competing myself. Well that and the fact that Japan losing one spot really put me off. And I’m constantly worried about Satoko Miyahara so my snark wasn’t as sharp as it usually is during other competitions. This one was too much of a Real Deal y’know what I mean. 

Meanwhile the GP competitions next season look something like this

10/20-22 Cup of Russia 

10/27-29 Skate Canada 

11/3-5 Cup of China 

11/10- 12 NHK Trophy 

11/17- 19 Trophee de France 

11/24- 26 Skate America 

To be more exact 

Ah it smells like Olympics already. 

Just like last season and the season before last season I’m gonna make a top 10 programs of 2016-2017 sometime soon. But first I gotta get your requests done lmao sorry for the delay /o\ 

But since it’s (almost) the end of this season I want to thank you all for following me, sending me nice messages and being interested in my childish ramblings. You’re the bestest. 

[zenxenophilia]

this is the doctor who anon , and also that is weird XD if the show is good i will commit o0o/! Anyway the reason i ask you that was for a request? but seeing you have not really seen it much im not gonna ask :) onstead, care for how the TFP bots would react to human having some bangin' art skills?

Yay!!!  My first ask!  :D  You bet I care to write my babes being super impressed with your bangin’ art!!!

Optimus:  He’s absolutely in awe of yourskills.  He’d known a few mechs back onCybdertron with artistic talent, but none of them seemed to create art simplyfor the joy of creating it like you do. It’s very refreshing to him.  He’dlove it if you drew him a cityscape or a similar architectural scene becausethey remind him of his beloved Iacon. Even if you worry about drawing something that complicated, he’llcompliment minute details and use specific language to tell you what he likesabout it.  “The use of the golden spiralin the upper right hand corner really brings the whole composition together.”  He miiiiight have studied a thing or twoabout art back when he was Orion Pax.    

Ratchet:  When you first show him your sketch bookhe seems very non-phased.  It’s only whenyou explain to him that they’re your drawings does he suddenly becomeinterested.  “Hmm?  What? Oh, yes.  Very nice.  Wait! You MADE that?!”  If you’ll lethim, he’ll quietly flip through your sketches, a faint smile on his face.  He doesn’t make very many comments except tosay “well done” when he hands it back to you. He particularly likes your anatomy sketches and poses, even if they’resuper scribbly.  He likes how you capturethe feeling of movement in a few quick lines.

Bumblebee:  He sees you drawing one day and immediately becomesinterested.  If you show him what you’reworking on, his optics light up and he buzzes happily while pointing excitedlyat your drawing.  He becomes your number1 fan, always coming over to see your latest masterpiece.  If you ask him to pose for you, he’ll beabsolutely ecstatic!  He’ll pull the mostheroic poses he can muster while you patiently sketch out all the tinydetails.  He has a whole wall in his habsuite dedicated to the drawings you give him. He’s just super proud of you.  

Arcee:  She catches you working on something one day and just kind of… stops what she’sdoing to watch you.  Her face breaks outinto a small, soft smile and she bites her lip slightly as she gazes over yourfinished product.  There was a time, wayback before the war broke out, that she enjoyed things like art and visitingmuseums.  Your art helps her remember asimpler time – a better time.  She’d loveit if you drew or painted a nature scene for her, something with lots ofplants.  It helps calm her down when shelooks at it.

Bulkhead:  He doesn’t exactly have the language toexpress himself, but boy howdy is he impressed with your art skills!  “Wow! You did this?  You actually didthis yourself?!  That’sincredible!!!  The lines!  They’re all… really good!  And the shapes…  They’re also really, really good too!”  He just has to go around and show off yourdrawings to the other members of the base. “Guys! Look what y/n drew!!!”  Youfeel a bit embarrassed by all the attention, but are secretly glad thatBulkhead admires your art so much.

Wheeljack:  He might not be an artist, but he knowsgood work when he sees it.  He’suncharacteristically quiet as he flips through your sketch book, optics widewith awe and a faint smile playing at his lips. He’sthe definition of the “I’ve looked at this for five hours” meme.  If you happen to have drawn him, or the Jackhammer at any point, he pointsto that page and says very seriously, “This is the greatest thing I’ve everseen.  Can I have it?”  You carefully tear out the page and sign itfor him.  He keeps taped up on the consoleof his ship at all times.  It’s one ofhis favorite possessions.  

Smokescreen:  He’s not subtle.  He straight up yanks your sketch book away tosee what you’re drawing.  (Smokescreen,that’s rude.)  He becomes all giddy andstarts gushing about how talented you are. “These are amazing!  You should dothis kind of stuff for a living!  Like,for real!”  If you offer to give himsomething, he’ll be beyond excited.  Hewants you to sign it for him and everything so he can say he had “an original y/n”before you became famous.  If you ask himto pose for you, he flushes up to his audials and his cooling fans kick in fullspeed.  He tries to play it off cool butfails miserably.  Like, yeah of courseyou would want to draw him.  Why wouldn’tyou want to draw such a good looking bot? (Smokescreen, please.)

Ultra Magnus:  You would think that a stoic, no-nonsensetype like him wouldn’t care for these things, but actually he has a deepappreciation for the arts.  If you askhim to look through your drawings, he takes it very seriously and will tell youwhat aspects he likes, and give you tips on how to improve.  He surprisingly knows quite a lot about art.  He’s very good at the more technically aspects,like perspective and anatomy, as those follow a very specific set of rules (andif there’s one thing this bot knows, it’s rules).  He will help you up your art game by1000%.  Get Mags to look at yourdrawings.

[blainemoriarty]

Parks and Rec Quotes Meme (change any pronouns where its required!)

“I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and broke everything.”

“See, there’s more things to do on the internet than look at naked guys.”

“I’m not afraid of cops, I have no reason to be. I never break any laws, ever… Because I’m deathly afraid of cops.”

“She originally put me in charge of the hot dogs at this fundraising barbecue, and I dropped them all. All of them. Like, a thousand.”

“You look like I could use some company.”

“He’s in love with you and he has a GUN?!”

“Is she gonna powder her… vagina?”

“Do you think a depressed person could make this? NO.”

“Oh, Lord. Is he eating soup? On a bench? Alone?”

“She’s the worst person I’ve ever met. I want to travel the world with her.”

“You’re a smart, successful young man, with an adorable little belly. Stand up for yourself!”

[Gasps] “A game is the foot!”

“He’s a mutt. Half amazing, half terrific.”

“He’s like a brilliant, sexy little hummingbird.”

“Hey, honey, good morning! How did you sleep? I adopted thirty-two cats and dogs. Do you want pancakes?”

“You have to stop your stupid swagger and tell her in a normal voice that you care about her.”

“If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.”

[Aggressively] “You have plenty of jeans!”

“Please hurry, I’ve been wearing a bandana as underwear for three days now.”

“I want candy.”

“I’m simply gonna explain to the crowd that love is everywhere and they simply have to surrender to the flow of the universe, yaknow?”

“Hi, is there maybe a medication that you need a lot of and have taken none of - or maybe too much of today?”

“You don’t let anything happen to him, understand me? He is precious cargo!”

“Oh my god, these dogs are so cuuute. I wanna throw up and kill myself.”

“I need to go lie down for 45 minutes. No, an hour. A full hour!”

[singing] “___’s sitting on my lap, shouldn’t tell her that I need to take a crap, oh no.”

“Okay, I’m gonna need the sarcasm to take a looong walk right now.”

“These kids are tearing my house apart and I need you to calm them with the power of song!”

“I’m sorry that I thwarted you at every turn.”

“I have an idea. Its not illegal, technically, but it is a dick move.”

“If I come down there, can I at least break something?”

“Oh, thank god you’re here. I got so bored I started thinking about existence.”

"I'll wear that red thing when you deserve to see me in that red thing."

“Do not blame me for the sins of my mother!”

“Oh, Hitler, you sexy bastard.”

“I love your team, sir. I love them like they’re my own children.”

“The zodiac killer didn’t confess, why do I have to?”

“Your shoes are red now!”

“You better give me back that megaphone, that belongs to my aunt.”

“I’m feeding your eagle. He’s starving!”

“Well, I really like cats. And dogs sure are great.”

“No, I don’t like this game. I don’t know what the rules are!”

“Holy mother of Malia! And Sasha! I love them both equally.”

“There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.”