#i strugge T^T

[mundanemiseries]

// i still need to write up his bio but....Artem my lil ex-fatui man.....i wanna write u still T~T (also wanna add a bit to this border)

[lostsowly]

Me: starting new fics for Blue Lock and Wind Breaker after catching up with the manga to feed my new obsessions

My old ryufuyu, akkutora and tsukikage wips that have been sitting in my drafts for months staring at me like:

[chaos-storm]

I can't WAIT to see the timelapse of the drawing I'm working on when it's finished, my process is a fucking mess 😂

[just-a-ghost00]

Your future spouse : Who? Where? When?

Group 1 - Van Gogh

Letters : E M D E R U O E P W T Y

Words/signs/names : deputy, Rudy, Emery, Roy, power, true, Morty, drum, poetry, proud, meet, WED, route, pure, Tower, remedy, dom, prom, word, rude, drop, rope, dye, eye, TUE, wet, pet, pouty, muted, dope, prude

Recommended songs : Fly me to the moon Frank Sinatra, Sweater weather The Neighborhood, Snooze AGUSTD, MIA Bad Bunny ft Drake

WHO? - White Numen / Ask body / Magnesite : get your mind right.

Oh this person is powerful and stubborn AF. The bull and the panther may be spirit animals of this person. If not, they like these animals or their personality matches those. In terms of astrological placements, we have Taurus and Aquarius, as well as Earth signs in general (Taurus Virgo Capricorn). They are a boss ass B. They are masculine. Like reaaaallyyyy masculine. They have BIG DADDY energy. Jupiter might be very well aspected in their chart or the sign in which Jupiter is in their chart matches well with the energy of Jupiter. That would be Sagittarius, Pisces and Cancer. This person is a creator and a good manifestor. They think a lot. They are cerebral. They may strugg with overthinking but their mind reminds their best asset. They are the epitome of brains are sexy. This person would know everything from ancient languages and art skills to the newest knowledge in technology and medicine. They can do anything and everything they set their mind to. In terms of their looks, they are definitely tall. They would tower over you and lift you up like you were a feather. They are strong in all aspects. Their torso is bigger than the lower part of their body. They have broad shoulders, big hands, big forehead and nose, prominent jawline, regardless of their gender. Maybe for the women identifying people the bum and chest would be bigger than other features of their body. And for the men identifying people, the pectorals would be juicy. With the ask body card, this tells me this person works out a lot. They are also very spiritual. They give off a lone wolf energy when really this person has a lot of love to give they just know what they want and they have strong boundaries. So they would never let themselves be walked over or let in people who would bring more BS than anything. This person would keep you on your toes for sure. I feel like they would have a bold fashion style. Something that stands out from current trends or that is unusual for people who are like them. For instance, let’s say this person is quite old, maybe you’d expect them to wear suits and fancy watches. But instead this person has a very casual look or dresses like the younger people. They could be your boss or at least someone who has a higher status than yours. It wouldn’t surprise me if they already had kids. They are well established.

WHEN? - Page of pentacles / Higher perspective / Bismuth : rewrite your code with rainbows.

In terms of timing, the page of pentacles represents several months. Now if we look at the meaning of the page of pentacles, it talks about education. The page is a learner, a student in matters of material aspects. Combined with the Higher perspective card, this definitely gives me the feeling of going back to college. Or getting a training in something very specific. Potentially something involving spirituality. Like taking reiki courses or tarot reading lessons. So I feel this person is a teacher or a mentor to you. With the Bismuth card, I feel like this person will be opening doors for you. And that could be litteral because the door of my room opened out of nowhere as I was trying to get more information from the card. Higher perspective is related to Ether. This means to me that you will meet at a point in your life when you wish to evolve, to embody a better version of yourself and seek to gain knowledge or power.

WHERE? - King of cups / The Explorer / Malachite : claim your success.

We already had kind of a hint with the previous section. And I feel like it’s further confirmed by these cards, especially the Malachite card. Now if we talk about geographical indicators, water seems to be relevant. Also on the Explorer card there’s a compass. So it tells me that where you meet them, there is either a plan or something related to navigation or orientation. Also when looking at this card I heard "you already know where to find them". So it gives me the strong feeling that many of you already know this person and already met them. It’s just that you didn’t consider them your FS. Also the malachite card mentions the workspace. So you could work together. Or you’re doing the same job and you go to them for advice. Also the king of cups card depicts a man sitting on a thrown spilling water in an ocean of sharks. So this also tells me there’s a lot of competition where you meet. And it’s like this person is trying to educate or heal the sharks somehow.

Group 2 - Monet

Disclaimer : I kept confusing you with group 1 and there were cards of group 1 that kept wanting to come into your reading so you might want to check group 1 as well. I think there are two people that have the potential of being your future spouse.

Letters : L I S G E S T M S I E K

Words / signs / names : Selim, time, lies, mess, Tess, seek, kisses, misses, meets, lists, sees, skies, ski, Mike, miles, gems, glee, mist, melt, GSM, kit, leek, miel (French for honey), TMI, MIT, Stiles, geek

Recommended songs : Easy Camilla Cabello, Life goes on AGUSTD , Hall of fame Stray Kids

WHO? - Ace of pentacles / The Seeker / Aragonite : find your center.

Earth signs are being shown here. On the ace of pentacles card there are 8 hands reaching for the pentacle. So your person is wanted by many. They feel younger than you. They are possibly a student or a young active. With the Seeker card I feel like this person hasn’t found their true calling yet. They feel lost and out of balance. Maybe they got a job that doesn’t make them happy or their studies aren’t as fulfilling as they thought. They are super shy and reserved. They may appear as cold when they are just a softy. They have trust issues. They feel really cute to be honest. But also they are lonely. It’s like they keep searching for the one, when they have so many prospects. I feel like they have a lot of high standards and they know that other people don’t match the vibe they’re going for. I feel like this person only has eyes for you but you don’t see them. Again, this group knows their FS already. In terms of physical traits, I feel like this person has good hands. But their body might look out of shape a little. They’re more on the chubby side. They look comforting. Like the type of person that would give the best hugs. Their gaze is really soft. Like a puppy. They feel pretty needy tbh. But not the suffocating type of needy. They just want to be loved and crave for connection. Someone that will share their interests and values. Who will match their crazy and feel safe in their presence. I feel like this person has faced a lot of rejection in the past and they kinda are stuck with this idea that no one wants them. They are an introvert. They like to isolate and be in their bubble. I feel like people have an idea of them that is completely false. Like maybe they think this person is a flirt and parties all night when in truth they’re a couch potato and a gym rat. They only go out of truly needed and they would rather be alone than surrounded by tons of people they barely know. This person wants a family of their own so bad. Like a big family with the white dog and pretty little house. They’re a hopeless romantic and an idealist.

WHEN? - 2 of pentacles / Reclaim / Scolecite : dive into your dreams.

On the 2nd of a month, two months from now. It feels like you may be going back and forth with this person before fully knowing them or being close to them. There’s a chase and run type of energy to this connection. You’ll meet them when you or they are reclaiming your/their power and changing something in your life. So moving houses, changing jobs or getting back to studying. When you start chasing your dreams. Also you could meet them in your dreams before meeting them in person. During any earth sign season.

WHERE? - Queen of pentacles / Power / Amethyst : get drunk on your highest self.

In a places of power or worship such as Cathedrals and Churches, Mosques, temples, town halls, or in a place of education. Also monuments came to mind. Like the Eiffel Tower, the leaning tower of Pisa. There were many stars on the Queen of pentacles’s dress so Europe came to mind. The US and the UK as well. Other places include : Siberia, the Far East, Brazil, Uruguay, Sri Lanka, South Africa, Mexico, Australia, South Korea, India, Austria, Germany, Italy, Canada.

Group 3 - Hokusai

Letters : C Q T E C S L I G A L I

Words/signs/names : Ali, Alice, Alicia, Cecilia, Scilla, Giles, Gael, Gaelic, sigil, sea, sail, Lisa, aigle (French for eagle), Elisa, Elias, Cali, cast, list, tails, IQ, Tesla, sage, Isac, Lila, lilac, cis, alt, ciel (French for sky), call, site, Lise, teal, lace, acts, sell

Recommended songs : Mon amour GEMINI , 3:00 AM Finding hope , Dark on me Starset

WHO? - 6 of pentacles / The Revolutionary / Honey calcite : break through your limits.

First of all, your person might have a white dog. Second of all, they have tanned skin. Thirdly, they could work in law enforcement or they are studying at Law school. They could be doing humanitarian work. They are balanced and grounded. Both in their attitude as well as their personality. They know when to give and when to take, when to talk and when to listen, when to act and when to observe. With the revolutionary card, this tells me that they are pretty determined and ambitious. This person likes to stand for greater causes. So you’d bet that they advocate for children and women rights, for the LGBTQIA+ community, for the respect of nature and animals as well as the end of wars. The signs of Taurus, Aries, Sagittarius and Leo are significant. This person is very sweet. Almost to the point where sometimes they put others needs before their own. Especially if it’s about being fair and giving retribution for wrongs caused by previous generations. This person feels like they have a debt they need to pay. Also they might have suffered abuse in the past so they want to have retribution for them but also for the people who were wronged like they were. In terms of physical traits, their body is harmonious. So for female presenting individuals, they would have kind of an hour glass body type. Same for male presenting individuals. This person feels gender fluid. They are a minimalist. They like to keep things simple when it comes to the way they look. Honestly if they could be naked on a daily basis they would be. They’re in touch with nature. Animals love them. They have a very comforting aura. This person really is as sweet as honey. They could be a creator, a designer, a public speaker. They like to use their voice and their status to raise awareness about things they care about and value. They could be a teacher as well or someone that works with kids.

WHEN ? Page of swords / Paradox / Hematite : align with your wholeness.

When stars align. When you finally let your guards down. When you align with your calling, your soul mission. During any air sign season. Within a few weeks from now. When you’re on your period. When you let go of your old beliefs on love or when you move on from a past love, an unrequited love or a crush that would never have evolved into anything more than friendship. When your spiritual beliefs change drastically (i.e. you decide to convert to a new faith, you no longer believe in God, you choose to follow a spiritual path).

WHERE? - Queen of swords / Get wild / Emerald : point your heart toward grace.

In terms of countries, we have : Colombia, Brazil, Zambia, Zimbabwe, USA, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Russia, Australia. Now, in terms of where you could meet, I'm not getting much from these cards. It's like your FS wants to play hide and seek. They're not really comfortable sharing where they are. The only thing I'm picking up on is somewhere where the law is involved. So it could be an administration, a police station, law school, a lawyer's office, a prison. With the get wild card, the only hint I can get is that it can get intense. I asked for a card to clarify the Queen of swords and I got the 9 of pentacles. So law and money are involved. So maybe a bank or an insurance company. Or somewhere businesses and entrepreneurs go to get advice on how to invest their money or know if something they intend to do is legal or not.

[windy-trickster]

[CERVIN] -> Receive a message from your moirail

After a little heartfelt moment with your kismesis, and getting the two of you into some dryer clothing thanks to said kismesis being soaked head to toe in rainwater. Cervin had set the two Bluebloods up on his leather couch to watch a little movie together to wait out the rain. He had no plans of just having some heartfelt, emotional moment with the smaller Blueblood then just send him on his way home. Cervin had grabbed the blanket off the back of his couch, tossing it around the two of them while he allowed Dracma to put on one of his ridiculous mafia movies that he seemed to adore so fucking much. Cervin didn't see the appeal, but he just wanted this nice moment to continue. So he was going to keep "un7efined 9pini9ns ab9ut mafia m9vies" to him. He was snuggled up close to his kismesis, his head resting against the other Blueblood's head as he only half paid attention to the show in front of him. He REALLY didn't understand what Dracma found so fascinating about these flicks. But again, he was keeping these thoughts to himself. About halfway through the movie Cervin felt his palmhusk buzz in his sweatpants. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cellular device, adjusting his glasses to see who was texting him. It was Amdala. Oh jegus. Here we go. -> [doctrineTemplar] has opened the chat with [spiritualLucidity] <- [SL]: Cerv? AAre you busy aat the moment, hon? [DT]: Yes a nd no. Dr a cm a's over at my hive right now. So I c a n't physic a lly come a nywhere if th a t's wh a t you need me for. [SL]: Oh no no no, hon. [SL]: I'm aassuming you know why I'm textin' you, don'tchaa? [DT]: I do. A nd go right a he a d. S a y wh a t you need to s a y, you deserve to after all. [SL]: Cerv. I'm not gonnaa beraate you or aanything aabout whaat's goin' on. I wou|dn't do thaat to yaa. I just waanted to |et you know thaat I'm here for you if you need aa shou|der to cry on. [DT]: I know, A md a l a. A nd I a ppreci a te th a t a lot a nd you know you c a n a lw a ys come to me with your problems a s well. A nd I'm sorry for hiding this big secret from you. I know it w a s wrong of me to do. I know it w a s fucking stupid. A nd I promise you I won't do th a t a g a in. [DT]: I won't hide a nything from you or Fre a n a or Dr a cm a ever a g a in. I thought I could h a ndle this on my own. But it turns out I couldn't. [SL]: I forgive you, hon. I know you didn't meaan to worry aany of us. I know you're strugg|in' aand I reaa||y think you need to figure out aa waay to aa||eviaate some of thaat stress. AAnd you've got tro||s c|ose to you thaat'|| help you do thaat. [DT]: I know I do. A nd I'm gl a d for th a t. I re a lly truly a m. A nd I think I'm going to t a ke a couple of nights off work bec a use of everything th a t's h a ppened. M a ybe th a t'll help. [SL]: Thaat'|| sure|y he|p yaa, daar|in'. Taake some time to rest. You deserve it aafter everything you've been going through. Okaay? Cervin smiled a little at his moirail's message and sighed softly before sending his response. [DT]: Ye a h. You're right, A md a l a. Th a nk you. [SL]: Of course. Th a t's wh a t I'm here for, daar|in'. <> [SL]: You enjoy your |itt|e cutesy time with |_i| B|ueberry. I'|| stop botherin' yaa. [DT]: You're never bothering me, A md a l a. <> [DT]: A nd ye a h. I will. Need to get b a ck to "w a tching" this movie before Dr a cm a st a rts whining. [DT]: P a le for you, A md a l a. [SL]: Paa|e for you too, Cerv. <> -> [spiritualLucidity] has ceased trolling [doctrineTemplar] <- Cervin put his palmhusk down once he felt a small hand tugging on his sleeve. He looked down to see a cranky looking Dracma, the smaller Blueblood making some comment on how Cervin wasn't paying attention to this "p7ime m9vie content". Cervin just rolled his eyes, leaned on Dracma once more and went back to spending the rest of this rainy night with his kismesis. -> Mentioned Trolls [Not mine] <- Dracma Picpic - @wormstuck Freana Elkena - @jaded-daydream

[thelightattheendofthistunnel]

basto si strugge per bare, che però sembrerebbe non ricambiare. lorenzo vuole solo aiutare. (nsfw, parte 1 di 2, nella seconda parte arriverà la bastonella non temete)

"Oh my god, he's pining again."

Lorenzo turned towards the direction where Marco was pointing his finger: and there it was Ale, sitting alone on a bench not too far away from them, watching Nicolò talking to someone else. He got it bad, it was so obvious. Everyone noticed how Ale completely changed when he was near Nicolò, how he smiled more, how he looked at him with adoring eyes, how they turned sad whenever Nicolò was not looking at him, like in that moment. It was obvious to everyone, except Nicolò.

It was so pathetic.

Ale surely didn't lack anything desirable. He was a young guy, tall, handsome, he even had a sense of humour similar to Nicolò's, but still it seemed that Nicolò was blind to all of that. He surely liked Ale as a friend just fine, but it didn't look like he returned Ale's feelings. Such a pity.

"I am so sorry for him" said Ciro, shaking his head. "He seems like a good guy, he doesn't deserve to be ignored like that."

Lorenzo nodded. "Yeah, you're right." He watched Ale sulking alone for a little while, then he made his decision. "I'm gonna talk to him."

Ciro and Marco exchanged a confused look. "You what?" asked Marco.

"I'm gonna talk to him" he repeated, then walked straight into Ale's direction without waiting for another comment.

When he stopped near him, Ale lifted his head, surprised. "Lore? What's up?"

Lorenzo put both his hands on his hips. "Basto, do you want to come in my room and play Fifa with me, later?"

Ale seemed to be even more confused by that question. "Play Fifa with you?"

"Yes" he confirmed. "You don't want to?" he asked, tilting his head.

"No, no, it's not that." He hesitated, then his eyes went straight to Nicolò's direction. He seemed sad for a moment, then shook his head. "Yeah, I think I'm in for a game."

Lorenzo grinned. "Perfect. See you after dinner, then." He reached for Ale's cheek, pinched it, then kissed his own fingers. Ale remained there, stunned, while Lorenzo returned to Marco and Ciro. They were both looking at him with a knowing look.

"You're gonna have sex with him, aren't you?" said Marco.

Lorenzo scoffed. "Shut up." He didn't deny it, though. They knew him too well.

Ciro rolled his eyes. "I knew it."

He shrugged. Ale was an handsome guy, but he was too focused on someone that didn't feel the same. Such a waste. At least he hoped to distract him for a bit.

(He watched Ale get up and stir. His t-shirt rose up and exposed some of his skin.

It was not like Lorenzo was doing some kind of big sacrifice, anyway.)

--------------------------------------------

Someone knocked on his door. Lorenzo got up from his bed and went to open it. Ale was standing right there, with a grin and a big bag of chips in his hand. "I've brought food" he said.

Lorenzo grinned. He knew he liked this guy for a reason.

He made him sit on the foot of the bed, in front of the tv, then he went to grab a couple of beers from the cooler and came back to sit near him. He offered him one.

"Thanks" said Ale, grabbing it.

Lorenzo turned the play on and gave Ale the second controller. "Which team do you wanna play with?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer. Inter, for sure.

Ale grinned. "I'll play with Napoli."

Ok, Lorenzo didn't expect that. "What? Why?"

"I bet I'll be able to play you even better than yourself."

Oh, that little shit. It was game on, then.

"Oh yeah? Then I choose Inter. Let's see what you can do."

Ale was still grinning. Lorenzo would have soon made him see who really was the boss there.

--------------------------------------------

Ale was laughing and Lorenzo wanted to punch him in the face. Maybe playing Fifa hadn't been the best idea.

"I've told you I would have made a better you than yourself! Look at how many goals I've scored!"

"Shut up" said Lorenzo, giving up. He was never gonna beat Ale, that was for sure. "I'm tired of playing anyway."

"Yeah, I bet you are."

That cheeky bastard was still grinning. He was lucky he was cute.

Lorenzo turned off the play. Ale seemed to be relaxed, now. It was the perfect moment to talk to him. "Basto, listen" he said, then stopped. He needed to adopt a direct approach. "You like Bare, don't you." It wasn't a question, just a statement.

Ale's face fell. "What do you mean?" He was so clearly playing dumb.

"Basto, I know you like Bare. Everyone knows you like Bare."

Ale remained silent for a second, then chuckled humorlessly. "It's that obvious, uh?" He was looking at his lap, avoiding Lorenzo's eyes.

Lorenzo felt genuinely sorry for the guy. It wasn't that he had wanted to invite Ale in his room just because he thought he was a good looking dude - yeah, ok, also because of that, sue him -, he simply really wanted to help him forget about Nicolò and move on.

He took his hand. Ale looked at him stunned. "Basto, listen to me. You're a catch. You're a good guy, handsome, funny and Nicolò is the most blind idiot I've ever seen, do you understand?"

Ale's eyes suddenly filled with tears. "I don't know what to do" he whispered. In that moment, he looked just like a kid, crying for his broken heart. Lorenzo moved to sit on his lap. He caressed his cheeks, catched the few tear drops that were escaping Ale's eyes with his thumbs. Ale's mouth was open in shock, but he didn't try to push Lorenzo away. He took it as a good sign. "Maybe you should try to forget about him, don't you think?"

"How?" Ale asked. He put both his hands on Lorenzo's hips.

Lorenzo got closer to his mouth. "Maybe I could help" he said, then he kissed him.

He maintained the kiss slow at first, to make Ale feel more comfortable. Ale wasn't of the same opinion, though. The kiss soon became deeper, more desperate. He felt Ale's hands squeezing his butt.

Lorenzo gently pushed Ale away. "Hey, it's not a race. Let's keep things nice and slow, yeah?"

Ale's cheeks turned red. "Oh, sorry" he muttered.

He was adorable. Lorenzo chuckled, then pitched one of his cheeks. "Let's move to the bed" he said, then got up. He took off his t-shirt. Ale got up too and did the same thing. Yeah, Lorenzo thought watching him half naked, Nicolò surely was missing something.

He reached out for Ale's pants and pulled him closer. He couldn't reach Ale's lips, so he opted for the next best thing: licking and sucking his pecs. Ale's breath became irregular. He put an hand on Lorenzo's hair, but didn't grab it, he just left it there. Maybe he wasn't sure what he was or wasn't hallowed to do.

"You can pull it if you want, you know?" he said, just to make it clear.

Ale looked at him funny. "Oh, ok" he responded, but he still didn't move.

It was a challenge, then.

Lorenzo licked one of his nipples, then gently bit it. Ale moaned and his hand twitched, pulling his hair for a moment. Better.

Lorenzo could feel his dick getting hard, and from what he could feel, Ale's seemed to be pretty interested too. He started sucking his other nipple, while unbuttoning Ale's pants. He felt Ale's breath hitch.

"Lore" he said, but didn't continue. He seemed unsure on what to do.

He just needed a little push in the right direction, then.

Lorenzo unbuttoned his own pants, too, then took them off. Ale did the same.

He gently grabbed Ale's hips, guiding him untill he was on the edge of the bed. "Sit down" he said. Ale did what he was told, then Lorenzo sat on Ale's lap. Their dicks brushed. They both moaned.

He put his arms around Ale's neck, while Ale grabbed his hips to keep him still. Now, with their faces at the same height, Lorenzo could finally kiss him, and so he did. They kissed languidly, and every now and then Lorenzo felt the vibrations coming from Ale's throat due to his moans, muffled by the kiss. He put one hand in his curly hair, and Ale seemed to appreciate it.

"Hey" he said, putting the kiss to a stop. "How about we lay down?"

Ale nodded, breathing hard.

He returned to kiss him, then rearranged them so that he was now laying on the bed with Ale on top of him. Like that, he could appreciate even more the difference in their body size: Ale was a bit slender, but he still was bigger than him. He was completely covering him with his body. Lorenzo really liked that.

He interrupted their kiss again. "So" he started, licking his lips. "How do you want me?"

Ale frowned. "What do you mean?"

Oh god. Was he that stupid? Maybe Nicolò had a point after all. "I mean, how do you want to fuck me? Like this? On my hands and knees? On the side?" he specified, hoping to make everything clear.

"Oh." Ale turned red. "I just, uhm. I just thought..."

Now it was Lorenzo's turn to be confused. "You thought what?"

Ale gulped. "I just thought that you would fuck me."

There was a beat of silence.

"Fuck."

Great. Lorenzo simply had to find the only one-point-ninety-something bottom there was there, between all people.

Ale's face fell. "I'm sorry" he said, starting to retreat. "I know you wanted to help me, but maybe this isn't work..."

"NO!" he shouted instantly. Ale stopped, surprised by that sudden outburst.

Lorenzo took a deep breath. Ok, it's been a surprise, sure, but it wasn't something that he couldn't handle. They were already halfway there, it would have been dumb to stop for something so stupid.

He grabbed Ale's head and looked at him in the eyes. "Basto, do you still want to have sex with me?" he asked just to make sure. "If not, we'll stop right now."

Ale licked his lips, then nodded. Lorenzo grinned.

"Then don't you worry, I'll take care of you."

"Yeah?" Ale's eyes became dark.

"Yeah" he responded, then grabbed Ale by the shoulders and moved him around untill he was the one laying down on the bed, with Lorenzo sitting on his stomach. "Trust me."

Ale relaxed under him and stayed still, waiting for him to go on. Lorenzo opened the drawer of his nightstand and picked the bottle of lube he had there. He opened it, then put some of it on his fingers. He put himself on all fours, with their faces so near that Ale's breath was tickling his lips. "I'll take care of everything" he said, then began to finger himself. He moaned, putting on a show, rutting against his own fingers, brushing Ale's stomach with his dick at every push. Ale groaned, then put his hands on his butt. Lorenzo kissed him, sucking his tongue, making him groan.

When he felt to be finally ready, he pulled out his fingers and got up. "Sit with your back on the wall. Put a pillow behind you" he ordered, and Ale did as he was told. He was breathing hard. He put his hands on Lorenzo's hips, but didn't try to make him move. He was so malleable, doing exactly what he was told to do. A one-point-nintey-something guy who was only eager to please. It was hot.

Lorenzo sat on his lap, with Ale's dick brushing on his back. He put one arm around his neck to stay in equilibrium, while he grabbed Ale's cock with his free hand. Ale whimpered.

Looking at him in the eyes, he rose up, put himself above his cock, then sat down. They both groaned at the same time.

It took Lorenzo a few more pushes to get Ale's dick completely inside of him. When he arrived at the bottom, sitting on Ale's pelvis, he remained still for a few seconds to adjust to the sensation of fullness. Ale didn't move, giving him his time. He took Ale's hands and guided them to his hips, then got up a little, stayed there, and went back down. He felt Ale's fingernails sink into his flesh, and moaned. He picked up the pace, put his arms around Ale's neck, his forehead touching the other. Ale was completely at his mercy - he didn't even try to control the rhythm imposed by Lorenzo, he was letting him do whatever he wanted with him.

"Make me come" he said, slowing down a little. "Make me come first."

As expected, Ale proceeded to do as he was told. He kissed him, grabbed Lorenzo's dick and started pounding it. It took just a few more pushes by Lorenzo to come, groaning in Ale's mouth. When he came back to himself, Ale was visibly straining himself to not move. "Lore" he whined, "Lore, please, make me come too, please, I can't take it anymore."

He was so sweet when he was begging.

Lorenzo kissed the corner of his mouth. "Didn't I say I would have taken care of you?" he said. Then he got up, fully pulling Ale's cock out of himself. The other groaned, frustrated. "Lore, what..." he said, before getting silenced by another kiss by Lorenzo. "Trust me. Now stay still, will ya?"

Ale nodded, not entirely convinced, but still doing what he was told. Lorenzo reached again for the lube and put some of it on his fingers. He moved so that he now was between Ale's open legs, his face a few centimetres away from Ale's cock. "Relax" he said, then proceeded to suck his dick.

Ale moaned, but Lorenzo knew that it wasn't enough. He moved his lubed fingers near Ale's entrance, then put two of them inside at the same time, all the way to the knuckles. Ale's surprised scream and involuntary movement of hips were more like it. He almost chocked him, so Lorenzo stopped and stayed still for a moment to make the other accustomed to the fingers inside of him.

"Fuck!" Ale cursed loudly. "Holy fucking shit, Lore, fuck!"

It seemed he really liked anal stimulation, then.

Lorenzo returned to suck his dick. He moved his fingers in and out, scissored him to make more space. Ale continued to curse and moan loudly, closing his fists around the sheets. Lorenzo added a third finger, then a fourth. Ale started moving his hips to push the fingers even deeper inside of him. He was getting close.

Lorenzo took his dick all the way down his throat, curled his fingers inside of him, and Ale came. His hips gave a few pushes till he was finished, and Lorenzo swallowed it all. Had he been younger, his dick would have been hard again. Now, he just pulled his fingers out and pushed Ale's soft dick out of his mouth, licking his lips to clean them. Ale was a wreck, all sprawled out like that, eyes still closed, breathing hard.

"You all right?" he asked to make sure everything was fine.

Ale nodded. "Yeah" he said, opening his eyes. "I'm more than all right, actually." A beat, then he chuckled. "I really needed that, so thanks."

Lorenzo rolled his eyes, then positioned himself on Ale's side, kissing him. "Hey, you're hot, you have nothing to thank me for."

Ale turned red, but then grinned. "You're right, you should be the one thanking me."

Lorenzo punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Don't get ahead of yourself now" he said smiling. He yawned. "C'mon, I'm sleepy" he said, positioning himself so that his head was under Ale's chin. "Hug me and sleep, Rocco."

Ale laughed, then hugged him. Lorenzo felt his lips brush his hair, then leave a kiss there. He fell asleep almost immediately.

[deargoditsmelucas]

Focus.. hard

They be like no one can get that $$ but you! I be like.... but how?!?! I'm out here strugglin, prayin I keep a roof over my head.

God is testing me. I'm not giving up, but sometimes I swear it's just dumb luck.

Maybe tomorrow will be my lucky day

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #2 🕊🌱 🐥 !!

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡ ༘

⋆ ✧₊ﾟmay 13th 2022 🦋 🫧🎐 ⊹ɞ

posting yesterdays diary log bc i was too tire to do it SLKFJLSDKSJS hehe. so yetsterday wasnt too bad again ! i wasntn sure on what to wear so i wroe a black pinstrip e skorts, a white puffy ruched tank, and a black t shirt button up tht had pretty rhinestones on it fo r buttons tht matched w my af1s and pearl necklace <3 🪄✨💖

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

i woke up at 730 this time ))): but stil made it in time to straightn my hair (cos i shower on may 12 n hair got rlly wavy ) which was crazy !!!!! im proud of not being late late ⏰😁

at school i had a math test for mu trig, n it wasnt too dificult acc, i k i need to finish the homeworks still and do some word problem s as the last page is what i strugg with the most cos is the most difficult, so ye! OH AND IGOT MY TEST MARK BACK FOR 2 OF THEM AND IM SO HAPPY BC I GOT AN 88 ON ONE AND THEN AN 86 ON THE OTHER !! i still a a+ student. n then in art we were doing mosiacs n i almost done my butterfly one, i jus need to grout it ! i think blue, white or black, or maybe dark blue grout wouldlook good 😮😵‍💫😵

break came n i scroll on aliexpress n played a little bit of projec sekai, have to get my daily in ! 😈 my main card is mizuki’s pink bow one, n then my title cards r “luka fan” “i love them all!” and “hbd airi” cos theyre all pink and aesthetic. and im thinking of all this new stuffs i wanna get on aliexpress, ever since i starte d regressing frilly stuff and pink sweaters is like,, really interests me which is crazy cos usually, even though i do love pink , i dont think id ever wear wear it or have super frilly stuffs, but i hav this idea in my head and idk if itll work or look how i want it to ,, though its opened my eyes to appreciate croquette aesthetic and cutsey ones more , i nev er thought id be into croquette though ive been into brandy melville ditzy stuff and soft girl vibes, and i think agere (age dreaming / half agere) allows me to feel mor girly and comfy in it even though u dont have to be a specific aesthetic to be agere. 💗

in regards to age regressing, i feel really guilty and shamefula bout it, because its almost involuntary righ tnow ); but talkign tomsyefl in a child voice in my head is soo much ebtter than hearing intrusive thoughts or mean voices. i just hoope it can balance it bc my ocd kicks in and says that the reason why i love pink and all these cute stuffs is because im an age regressor when really, i loved cute stuff before age regressing and so now that im sort of age dreaming that cute stuff i really really like! it had nothing to do with each other ther is no correlation. i like cute stuff because I WANT TO !!! not bc its trnedy or becuse im age regressing . i do like cute stuff. silly mind likes to play tricks )): (₸~₸)

work was soooo slow for a friday ))); i mostly did greets and extreme detailing but it was super boring and i was starinrg down at the clock. i do love internships dont get me wrong bec its a big opportunity though these days work is so dry and theres not a lot of sparks to it anymore, though i do feel like woring here hs help s lots wiht my confidence and public speaking! beforehand i was very shy to go and greet customers but now it is slowly becomign muscle memory so i am proud of myself cos of that

my mom picked me up n she was super hungy so she went to get some bourbon chickn from food court, we ate in the car in the shade and jus talked, n then went to home depo for a water tnak gear n some other thingies, i laid in the back seat while waitn for her cos me feet tire fromw orking, n then we went home ! i spent time w m sister for a littl bit n then played sims 4 hehe n tthen went upstairs to hug teddy n b on my phone for a little, ate some popcorn yumyum popcorn my favourite, n then mom n sister went out for food so i spent some time w my cat roscoe while waiting, n pet his soft orange white fur while he licked his blanket. mom n sister came back with CHICKEN NUGGET!!! i so happy abt that cos i havent had maccas in a long while so i enjoy my chicken nugget while looking at aliexpress smore, ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

i was trying to focus on relaxing cos whenever id os oemthing i always feel very guilty. shame i livewith everyday , and it was a battle of tellignmyself tht i deserve to relax, and live i nthe moment, so i did! i worked on my bllogg, played arsenal fps game with my close friend, went on dizzy n smashed my anxiety of setting my acc to online and spent some more time w him wathc ing him play sonic, ready or not, stanley deluxe, and listening to undertale music he pciked out. speaking of undertale, i lstening to respite rn from deltarune . i dont relly like playing underale or deltarune and i never hav, btu ive seen him play it and i liked the music ^u^ i also did some creating and tried to make some roblox softline clothes, it difficult tho bc it was un-hardlining my other creation, so i ended up quiting it )): ill pick it up tmrrr probably after i take care meself. 🎆

i was srolling on shein while watching stanley deluxe , n then he went to bed so i did too, i was on my phone a lil more beside teddy n then around 12:35 i decided to sleep instead of fighting it. 😊😴💤

night night diary, luv u lots. bear says hello  👋🧸

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

[spiider-girl]

DEW DROPS || Peter Parker

Series Summary: Caitlin Wilson's entire life comes crumbling down when one night mysterious people come to her house and cause a disaster, claiming her mother's life in the process.

Her mother's last words were to get somewhere safe and the only place she could think of was Peter Parker's house.

Now wound up in this strange and dangerous path, Caitlin must uncover what really happened that night and who those people were.

Series Pairing: Peter Parker x OC

Word Count: 1.6k

Taglist: @aurora-cycle-unofficial

A/N: I sometimes forget I have to post every week. I do remember this fic though and I've written many chapters, well 5 to be exact. So you're good for a while.

T/W: angst, fighting, emotional and verbal triggers

Part 4: Birds Of A Feather

One could always look forward to the coffee shop right outside Caitlin's house. All four of them had disposable cups in their hands, warm in the eerie cold surrounding the hidden room.

"Had you known your mom was Wilson - Nightingale?" Peter asked and she shook her head.

"I think it's her underground name."

"Shut up Ned." Michelle looked at Caitlin with surprise. She hadn't expected her to act this way, so rude.

"My mom could be alive." She half whispered. "She could be alive and she would be expecting me to find her. Oh god Pete what if she's alive. I need to find my mom." Caitlin rambled.

"Kate I really think we should involve the police here. We're way out of our leagues." Michelle commented.

"No!" She immediately reverted, "she asked me for one thing, and if I can't even keep that, fat lot of good I'm doing."

Ned kept his hand on her back and looked at her. "Kate we don't have an option. The police will have better resources than we do."

Peter seemed to be awfully quiet and Caitlin noticed it.

"What are you thinking Pete?" She asked.

He stared at his phone.

"I, I have to go. It's important." Nobody said anything as he left.

A flame would shy away with hair so red, eyes so green a forest would bow to them. Mary Jane Watson had what one might refer to as a wave of confidence no one might compete with.

So where was Mary Jane and most importantly, what tied her to Caitlin?

Peyton had been working on finding Mary Jane for the better half of day now. He hadn't found much on Michelle and Ned. Stella seemed to be just as normal, which was far too peculiar. Peter however, had a past, dead parents, dead uncle, perfect student. He also seemed to be closest to Caitlin until last year. What happened last year? Did this give him motive to target the Wilson family?

He knew he had to approach the brown haired boy without anybody finding out. Which would be difficult since finding him alone was proving to be difficult and whenever he was, Peyton had no idea where he'd vanish.

Peyton scanned his notes, figuring out what to do. He blankly stared for a while then frustratedly threw away the notebook.

"Peytato what's wrong?" Bree entered, her blue eyes looking at the torn pages as she picked them up.

Peyton masked a smile immediately and turned to her, "Bree, everything's fine, why would you think something's wrong?"

"I'm not a kid, you know," Peyton chuckled, "I understand when you're sad or when you're angry."

He took her on his lap and ruffled her hair, "do you now?" She nodded enthusiastically, "Okay then, how about we make me a sandwich to cheer me up?"

Brianna jumped off and ran out the door giggling.

Peyton looked at his notebook once again, checked the screen of his computer and walked towards the kitchen.

To May's surprise, she found herself skimming medical records. She had never done this before and wasn't planning on doing it again either.

Among thousands of records she tried searching for Caitlin's. She had visited the hospital a couple of times; stitches, high fevers, broken hands, there should be some record.

Nothing.

May Parker found nothing on Caitlin no matter how many times she looked. She too let out a frustrated sigh.

Webbing hung low from a tree. A man was tied upside down at its end. He kept struggling but to no avail. Web fluid also stuck to his mouth, preventing him from screaming.

"What do you know about Stella Wilson?" Spider-Man demanded. The man struggled further, his brown hair falling off of his face. "Tell me!"

The man gave him a ridiculed look and shifted his eyes to his mouth.

"Oh yes, sorry." Peter stumbled forward, hastily removing the webbing off his face. He grumbled, making his voice heavier again.

"Never met Deadpool before," the man laughed, "had they told me he was a little boy I would have never believed them. Oh well, I was wrong."

"It's Spider-Man."

"Okay then Spider-Boy, why is the web slinger of New York looking for The Nightingale? Did he get along with the wrong crowd?" He mocked.

"Why do they call her The Nightingale? Who is she?" Peter ignored the remarks he was spouting and tried concentrating on what he was here for.

"What do you know of the Nightingale? Not many call her by her real name."

"I ask the questions sir, so answer them please."

Peter jumped to a nearby tree, hanging from its branch, waiting for the man revert.

"What do you know of the Nightingale?" He repeated.

"The nightingale is a songbird, specifically singing melodies of love I believe-"

"Not the bird," he struggled a bit, and then seemed to hesitate bringing out the words. "Stella, what do you know about her and why do you want to know about her. I hope you didn't get into some messed up shit superboy-"

"It's Spider-Boy, Man, it's Spider-Man." He swore internally. "What I know want with her is for me to know."

The man rolled his eyes. He lifted his head a little, or atleast tried to. Gravity wasn't exactly on his side. "Fine. The Nightingale is known for- oh wait what do I get for it."

Peter kicked stones in frustration.

"What do you want?"

"I've got some stuff in my bag, I take it with me."

"Nice try sir, why would I do that?"

"Just look."

Peter scuffled through the bag to find a bunch of toys. From remote control cars to dolls.

"You're stealing toys from kids. That's not very nice, you know. Children cry a lot."

"No it's not ethical?"

"Yes, that too. You shouldn't steal from children, it's not ethical and why would you anyways?"

"I didn't steal them from kids. I stole them for kids." His face was very much red now. The blood boiling up to his head. "Can you, could you let me down please. I'll tell you everything, keep me tied up I don't care. My children need those toys and well this whole hanging upside down thing is giving me a headache."

Spider-Man stumbled forward, cutting the rope loose as the man dropped down heavily.

"Oops sorry." He stepped forward. "I mean, tell me everything you know." He stopped for a second, helping the man up. "I'm sure your children will love these toys."

His feet were still tied and his hands were uncomfortably hung behind him.

"Thanks kid. Okay, The Nightingale isn't one you should mess with-"

"You've said that in many different ways you know, tell me something else."

"Let me finish. She is ruthless, doesn't care what loss one has to face in order to achieve her goals. All that matters to her is she herself." That sounded nothing like the Stella Wilson Peter had grown to know. Caitlin's mother to him, was kind, loving and couldn't bear to kill even a bug. "She leads the Watch. It's an underground group-"

"A mob you mean."

"Yes," he rolled his eyes, "a mob. She's got many killed, but as far as I've heard, she has never held a weapon against anyone. She has connections everywhere, even inside the avengers tower." Peter's eyes widened, not that the man could see. "She has power and money, so nobody wants to mess with her. Those who do, however, things do not end well for them. I've seen gangs burn to nothing. I don't know how she does or where you can find her, but this is all I know about her."

"Thank you sir." Peter nodded and cut the bindings. "You know, getting a job is much better than stealing and working with mobs. You've got kids, be there for them as a good example."

He nodded, not really agreeing with him. "Listen kid, whatever you've gotten yourself into, get out of it fast. Be the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, don't get involved in this."

Peter didn't reply as the man walked away, out sight. When he was sure nobody was around he took his mask off.

His hands wiped his face, he sighed and sat down, scouting on the floor. How was he going to tell this to Caitlin without her asking further questions of where he found this information?

Before he could where the mask again he felt someone walk behind him.

"You're Peter Parker." He half whispered.

In front him stood a man no taller than Peter himself. He was wearing a blue shirt that complimented his silver eyes and his hair were hastily set.

"No I'm not, you've got the wrong guy." He said and quickly wore his mask.

"I'm not stupid. I've been looking for you Mr. Parker, I suppose this get up answers my 'where do you vanish to' questions."

"What do you mean?" Peter stood defeated. He was not having a good day.

"I'm looking for Caitlin Wilson. I believe she was a friend of yours. Would you be okay if we could perhaps exchange information. I think we both are looking for whomsoever destroyed the Wilson residence."

"And you are?"

"Peyton Cain." Spider-Man needed all the help he could get, so he webbed the blond up and pulled him towards himself. He shot another web, this one sticking itself to a distant building, and they both swung towards it, him enjoying the cold air and Peyton screaming.

Peter had noticed it, he noticed it a long time back, the moment Caitlin was telling her story. She was lying, and she was damn good at it.

I love feedback. Taglist is open, just personal message me or send in an ask.

Part 5

[bisexualrogers]

hi everyone. my partner @findingdory and i need to raise money for a new laptop. if all of my followers donated $1 we would go over our goal, which is $1500! even if you can’t donate, please reblog this. thank you💜

https://t.co/AOshlqfaWn

[theimpossiblehologramtree]

Be My Valentine? |Peter Parker|

♡VALENTINES BLURB♡

Word Count: 564

Requested: nah

Warnings: none, fuff?

A/n: THIS IS FLUFF. I'm sorry it's short, but I had no time to write. Tell me what do you think. Oh, and don't forget to request something for my birthday sleepover. HAPPY VALENTINES TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE ALONE AND TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE WITH THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.💕💕

English is not my first language.

🐝masterlist🐝

REQUEST IF YOU WANT MORE

Gif is not mine. Credits to the owner.

LOOK AT THIS SMILE!

Peter was nervous. Well, more nervous than usual. This was the day he waited for such a long time. He was dressed in his best shirt and pants, holding a bouquet of red roses. His fingers were hurting from gripping too hard on the thorns and his lip felt sore from bitting it to hard. Even though Peter didn't feel comfortable he didn't care. It was very special day for him. He had been planning it for months. Everything was supposed to be perfect.

He was going to ask you out.

It was Valentine's day and he finally got the guts to do it. He planned to ask Mr Stark to drive him to school this day in one of his new cars to impress you. He wanted to buy the best suit, rent a orchestra to play love songs and buy the biggest flower bouquet of them all. He was willing to spend all his money just to give you the best impression of himself on this special day.

It didn't work out though. Mr Stark wasn't answering his phone (probably being too busy planning his own date with Pepper or building another Iron Man suit), all the orchestras have been rented a year ago, he couldn't affor a decent suit, and the florist had only one miserable bouquet left. It was a total disaster and Peter knew it. The wort thing was he couldn't do anything about it. Sure, he could have just show up in his Spiderman suit but then how would he know you really liked him?

'Just be yourself, Pete. She'll like you' Aunt May advised him while he was standing in front of the mirror trying to convince himself it's not the end of the world. It was easy to say for a adult woman. Peter was certain (Y/N) wouldn't like his dorky self.

Yet he did it. He risked everything and decided he is going to do it. There was nothing to lose, right? Well, maybe exept this not-so-decent-looking roses he was just holding while waiting for you to come. Peter's eyes were wandering all over the corridor trying to spot you.

And then he saw you. The most amazing girl he has ever seen.

You were walking alone with books in your arms. You were wearing a simple white dress, your hair put in a loose braid. Peter thought you looked absolutely stunning.

He was so hypnotized by your beauty he almost forgot to catch you and ask you out.

Bitting his lip even more he slowly approached your locker where you were currently taking out your textbooks. He took a deep breath and gently patted your arm to get your attention. Not seeing him you jumped and squealed quietly in surprise.

'Oh God! I-I didn't mean t-to scare you! I'm so sorry' Peter apologized quickly.

'It's okay, Pete. I just wasn't expecting you that's all' you smiled softly waving your hand. Then you noticed the flowers he was holding.

'Anyways what's up? Got any Valentine's plans?' you said pointing at the bouquet.

Peters eyes windened. He cleared his throat and looked into your eyes.

'Um, yes accually. I wanted to- Erm, I mean-' he rambled.

'It's okay, Pete. Just get it out' you said seeing him strugge to find the right words.

'(Y/N) will you be my valentine?'

[princelymlm]

Hey. Anon with crush on Noah again. Idk how you don't see how anyone could crush on you. You're kind and awesome ..I'd say more but my brain is struggs 2 func.

I think it’s the general combination of anxiety, depression, low self esteem in regards to a lot of things but specifically due to me pre-t, and the fact that no one has shown any romantic interest in me since I was in first grade.

[noxtyrnal]

smexii

it was night and sun was down to make let moon be up in sky for stars. it was the tim e of t he time and you wer on ruuf. lights of fae wer e vry brigt and well iluminatd the faec of ur waifu yasmeanenie. it smelt of the chai of tea u had been done made for the night tonite becaz u knw it is fave and it is good and i sip som from the grond. “waifu..” you muttred quitly into the crisp star atmosphere. “yeas?” she uwu’d in respon. “i....you did made my lief much bet with ur presents and it is good and i hav les depresssooos becauze u r hear and i lov u and who i arm arund u nd no mattr wat i luv u mor e th an the hardship and struggs that will occur fron the big big meanie meanie ass tiddy face cabbage monch o flief” nd she cried becus it was beaut nd she saideded ed “lmao sam u men worl d an d i would and probablie wil die for you” nd u gasped and jumpd in front becuz obama shot bullet at her but it hit u an d now u r shot and bleed and dieying anad “no,,,,,i 4 u bbgsz uwu” and she unu’d and cried and obwama was said and writtedn animoo abut it and u didn;t die becaus you”re love was better than it and all was well you you and you soul fucked because physical sex is gorssessee so now u r soul fuck and transcend and r one in lieif.

[derangedroyalfae]

April 20, 2021 6:41pm (touched up a couple times until 10:59pm)

I finally figured it out, why I wanted to know about how Capybara and the girl met. It’s cuz I wanted to know which groups I should be concerned about it happening again in, if he met her in VA group or in a gaming group (or maybe through a friend, though that one I doubt would be it).

I told Jem earlier that most days, more than half the time, I’ve kinda lost general motivation to exist. Take that as you will, I know better than to result to suicide as I know it’ll hurt some people. As I put it:

“My brain feels melted as of late, focus is a bust - all I can really give my attention to is what sounds really sounds interesting to me in the moment (i.e. record videos but can't do that), or I can sleep, cuz I feel like if I let myself stay awake, I'm gonna get hit with feelings and cry

Maybe I should try to take ADHD pills as of tomorrow

I honestly just feel like disappearing more than half the time and have a general disinterest and lack of motivation to exist. And it sucks, cuz I often don’t feel that way around Capybara, when there isn’t a negative issue brought up between us, and it can be as simple as texting (but even that nowadays isn’t doing as much) but especially if we’re on VC with each other, I feel too happy or at home to feel those things. And I know I can’t use him like a crutch like that. It’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone, so I know he can’t be the only thing I turn to in order to just not feel negativity or just in order to feel motivation to live and move forward. But it hurts being this far from him, both in miles and in timezone, and even more so to not know when I won’t be.

I don’t want to get back on antidepressants, and I worry about getting back on T. I’m scared of what might happen to me if I don’t do either though.

I wish I hadn’t been born with the chemical imbalance I was born with.”

I had stated that topic with almost a meme format

things I should do:

write scripts for NDitD

go through composer and artist auditions for NDitD

organize through files in my room

organize through my clothes properly

what I wanna do:

cry

sleep

maybe video games

Capybara asked why I was so jealous the other day. Where it comes from. I don’t know, I thought it’d be obvious that it comes from the fear of losing him, losing my time with him, not wanting to share him with someone else on a romantic or sexual. I don’t want to be shared anymore, I don’t want to have a life with anyone but him and potential future children. I want a monogamous life with him. Even if it’d fall under the realm of a cishet life, where I’d be his wife and mother of his children. I actually crave that more than words can describe. I don’t want him to have what we have with anyone other than me. I thought what we had was something special, something only he’d feel comfortable doing with me, something he’d only ever want to do with me. And maybe that’s the asexual/demisexual part of my brain that tricked me into believing that was normal of allosexual people. I could never fathom doing anything with anyone but him, and I hoped he felt the same. But clearly he can, clearly he could, clearly he did, clearly he would. I felt I worked hard for it, but he was so easily able to do it with someone else, easier than he ever was with me. I always should have known I wasn’t special and I do know that, but having to actually accept it from the one person in the world that made me feel like I was on top of the world, it hurt. I don’t understand myself why it still hurts me so much almost a year later. I can’t stand the thought of him jerking it to someone else, fucking someone else. It makes me sick to my stomach, like actual real physical pain. It honestly does. And the day I messaged him, and knew that he lied to me when he said he was just playing video games, but I knew he was actually lewding her instead, but he didn’t want me to feel bad (as he confessed was the case). I felt such physical agony. Even to this day. Remembering that. I feel that pain. And I don’t know how to make it go away. Overexposure is supposed to make you go numb but it almost feels like the more I think of it the worse I feel. I know he didn’t cheat, and I’m not saying he did, even if he feels like I’m trying to accuse him of it, which I truly genuinely did not mean to make him feel that way (though I feel like we both should have handled the situation better in general), it still hurt that I wasn’t his only. For so long he kept saying he was monogamous, that he’d never pursue a purely sexual relationship, but then that happened, and I knew I was the only one to blame. I was living in a fucking fantasy. And sometimes I still hope that my fantasy can become real. That if someone else at this point in time were to try and come onto him, he’d deny them, not because he’s worried about how I felt, but because he doesn’t want anyone but me. I know, who in their right mind would want just me? But it’s a dream I still have and want to believe is true. I truly wonder if what happened last summer wouldn’t have happened if I spent more time with him, and since I’ll never know, I’ll always blame myself for it. That I neglected him. I hadn’t told him soon enough that I wanted out of polyamory and wanted to be exclusively monogamous with him. Didn’t make it more obvious that I wanted him to see my girly side more. I didn’t push hard enough, I didn’t share enough, I wasn’t honest enough, I wasn’t enough. No matter what direction I spin the situation in, aside how long it took him to tell me there was someone else in the picture, everything else is and was my fault.

I feel like, even what happened this weekend, when I tried to address what was actually happening, because it was over text, he read it all wrong, the emotion and intent behind it. I only meant to tell him that the joke made me feel insecure, that it actually caused physical pain, because I was reminded of how I felt replaceable back in December when he joked things didn’t turn out for the better because we were dating. A joke I setup in the first place that only ended up in my own defeat. Because yeah, I know I’m not good, I clearly keep hurting him, so I would never expect anyone to say dating me was for the better, but just like my fantasy that Capybara could ever want to be monogamous with me, I had hoped that he wasn’t going to joke and say “yes, of course things are better: you’re here,” because I really needed to hear that in that moment. Death had just occurred and I was feeling isolated and scared in a foreign country, so hearing something like that is what I thought I needed to hear, to be validated. But it didn’t happen, it wasn’t a test and he’s not a mind reader, but I was already being at the end of an emotional rope, I got sad and jealous and felt so much like nothing. So when the girl that the joke was revolved around came up again, those feelings crept back, especially since I’m once again at the end of an emotional rope, and when the joke started to evolve into one about him being destined for her, and I was no where welcome to be part of this fantasy as his lover, of course I felt pain. I wasn’t trying to tell him he couldn’t make those jokes, I just wanted him to know I felt that way and why. But I felt like his response was like he was yelling at me and saying I accused him of cheating, and I never meant to trigger him so badly. I never want to hurt him, but I somehow did all because I was in pain and wanted him to know I was. I wasn’t trying to blame him for that pain, I just wanted him to know. But phrasing can be so hard in a text, especially if you can’t read the emotion correctly. I wasn’t trying to manipulate him, I wasn’t trying to put words in his mouth or act like he committed a crime. I just felt so vulnerable and easy to pain. And no matter how I tried to frame it or explain it, it was like I was a villain through and through, and I accepted that role, because I did feel like a villain for making him so upset. And I promised that I’d never tell him again that I was feeling jealous or pain from jealousy, because it hurts him to hear. So I’ll deal with that pain on my own. It can go into the list of things I promised him I wouldn’t mention again, the eggshells I won’t tread for him. It’s the least I can do. And he can keep making those jokes that will trigger me into pain, and hopefully, in time, I’ll stop feeling that pain, that I’ll just go numb.

Honestly, some of the low days as of late, some of the thoughts that hit me had to do with my thoughts of jealousy, the feelings of pain I get imagining him with her, feeling I failed him, feeling replaceable, and mourning that I don’t have monogamy with him as I so wish, and knowing that’s my fault.

I know my jealousy or possessiveness of him will never go away, but I really hope that it becomes less visceral. He’s everything I could have wanted. I want to be his wife or life partner or whatever term is most appropriate. I want to have a nuclear family with him.

I’ve already had to accept that I feel remorse at times for my hysterectomy, not because I want to experience something as traumatising and terrifying as pregnancy and childbirth, but because I want to have given him and experience with him those hallmark moments of pregnancy. Him laying his head against my pregnant belly, putting a hand on my stomach to feel the kicks, taking care of me whilst I deal with morning sickness. I know there’s expectations vs reality, that it’s almost never that sweet and perfect, but I’d like to think we could make it so. And I would have loved to see what our genes combined would have made. And I try to shun the regret or remorse I feel with thoughts of how I know very well the child or children I’ll bring into this world will more than likely have medical and mental health issues up the wazoo, and it’d feel terribly irresponsible of me to knowingly bring someone who would have to struggle in most aspects of life into this world. However, there’s this hope in me that remains when I see that I could still possibly get pregnant with a uterine implant, though it’s expensive and not full proof. So if the day comes, when we’re finically stable and emotionally ready, and we both decide mutually that we want to have genetic offsprings, not just adopted, then I can see if I can make it happen.

I’m mainly waiting until I’ve become a UK citizen before I turn my Male gender markers back to Female, but it’s possible that I might feel the urge to do that sooner. I've already started looking into it.

I thought about the fact that I should break up with the girls come summer and I still felt the same. Because the more and more I think about it, the more I realise I want nothing more than a platonic relationship with the both and that I feel guilty wanting monogamy with Capybara when I am still technically in a relationship with two other people, even if only by label, since we more or less have been doing nothing but platonic stuff since before I told Capybara of the monogamous relationship I desire. I fear losing my place in my home and having to return to my family, not because they’d kick me out, but because of the grief they’d feel and the guilt I feel. But I’d risk it for Capybara. And I’d risk it because it’s the right thing to do, cuz it’s so fucked up that I’m dragging them along, using them, lying to them, treating them like a safety net and fallback plan. No matter what, if I moved to be with Capybara, I’d break up with them, so at this point, it’s undoubtedly using them. But that’s getting to be a hard decision to make with how bad Hummingbird’s condition has gotten. Today she couldn’t even remember things she was told 30 secs before.

Deciding to stay off testosterone has kinda put me in a scary predicament as it really helped me deal with my depression in ways antidepressants never could and it’s hitting me really hard. And I don’t see the psychiatrist for another month. And I wanna wait until she presents me with my options before I decide I want to stay off it for sure. I don’t want antidepressants. Kitty has suggested I try Dutasteride along T as a way to limit T from doing it’s full affects of transitioning me, as Dutasteride will make it harder for me to have a voice drop, slow facial hair growth, etc. I don’t want to become more physically masculine as I am now, but I feel like the mental affects of T was so helpful.

I’ve thought about seeing a therapist again, but I worry there’s not much they can actually help me with. Cuz I need help with in the moment things, and I already know the exercises and the breathing techniques and all that jazz. Kitty said maybe they can help me figure out the source of my depression, I think I’ve already got that mostly figured out as stated above. But maybe here’s a few more: I feel aimless, I feel hopeless, I feel untalented, and I feel like all my goals are pipe dreams, that I’ll never be noticed for my writing or art or creations, not even for voice over, and I’ll be a burden upon people and society as a hopeless manic depressive NEET. Besides, when you have a mood disorder, sometimes you don’t need a reason, just a trigger, and it all just hits at once. You can makeup reasons, come up with them, because you feel depressed and you feel like you need some sort of excuse as to why.

When I get hit, I get hit with everything at once: separation anxiety from Capybara, my jealousy, every mistake I’ve ever made, ever thing that’s ever made me feel awful, my lack of self-worth, feeling I’m not going anywhere, wondering the point, etc etc.

I feel like I’m gonna burst. Judging thinking about having to wait for the psychiatrist is making me anxious. It hasn’t even been a full month since I returned home and it already feels like ages. I’ve even thought of the idea of having myself committed. Not the first and probably won’t be the last.

The thought “I can’t do this” keeps playing in my head. I just have to lie to myself and say, “you have to, you can, and you will.”

[windy-trickster]

May I,, politely pry for more information? :O

Amdala, what's going on??

"I'm just worried, daar|in'. Thaat's aa||. Worried for Cervin. I've known him for sweeps now. I know who he is aand how he aacts to aa fuckin' T. But..." "The faact I never knew he waas strugg|in' this baad maakes me fee| |ike a shit moiraai|. I know he's gotten a taa|kin' from Freaanaa aand maaybe Draacmaa..." "I guess I'm just waaitin' for when it's my time to taa|k to him aas we||."

[seeroftodayandtomorrow]

Glee Trek

This is something I wrote in collaboration with my husband, who offered lots of ideas, suggestions, trek knowledge, and his services as a beta reader. The characters are Glee, the setting Star Trek; the stories, something in between. It's meant as pure crack.

Summary:  Space - the Final Frontier. These are the Adventures of the Gleeship New Directions. Its mission: to explore new music, to seek out new choreographies and mash-ups. To sing what no one has sung before.

Episode 1: Encounter in the Choir Room

Captain's Log, Stardate 41153.7

With regard to the upcoming Fleetorials, I have tried to motivate the crew, but since we are the only Gleeship of any distinction left in Starfleet, it has been hard to convince them to give their all. They are too assured of victory to care for their performance. To bring back their passion, I have rearranged an ancient poem, and will perform it for them as a rap.

Captain William T. Schuester of the Gleeship New S.S, Directions was rapping his heart out.

Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, hey

An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature, yeah, yeah...

Performing with his usual enthusiasm, he let his gaze wander over his small audience. They didn't seem as passionate as he would like, even though he danced until he was sweaty. He even pulled out all the stops, stealing Lieutenant Commander Abrams' glasses and activating the power on his hover chair so he shot a few meters through the room before he could stop it. It had always worked before, even though Abrams never seemed to appreciate it. But this time, as he pulled them up to dance, they only half-heartedly joined him for a few moves before sitting down again.

Of course, William acted unimpressed by the lack of enthusiasm, and kept performing. After all, the show must go all over the place; there was no way but forward.

A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents, yeah

You would not be so agile if you lacked -

“Shut up!” a voice yelled.

Will spun around and saw a blonde-haired woman in a track suit standing in the room. He had never seen her before, and had received no notion about visitors.

“What-” he began, then found that although his lips were moving, no sound came out of his mouth.

“I said shut up,” the woman said, then made a show of looking around the room.

“What a pathetic display of human inferiority! Look at you rag-tag bunch of planetary rejects!” she raged, and Will tried in vain to speak until he noticed he was opening and closing his mouth like one of the fish in his ready room, and stopped. It seemed like there was nothing to do but wait till the...being released her hold on him.

“This is such a sad waste of potential,” the strange woman continued. “Or has there even been potential, I wonder? After all, the human race has wasted its time with the arts since the beginning of time. Maybe it's just that you are no good for anything else.”

She waved at him, and Will noted with relief that he could speak again. “What are you doing on my ship? Identify yourself!” he demanded.

“Oh, the captain has found his tongue,” the woman said. ”We call ourselves the Sue. Or you can call me that. It's all much the same. As to what I am doing here -”

She spread her arms and smiled. “I come to you as a voice of reason. I ask you to stop what you are doing! Stop torturing the galaxy with your mash-ups and your earth-centric ditties! Stop singing!”

“Why should we do that?” Will asked. He briefly wondered if he should inquire how she got on the ship in the first place, but that mystery seemed unimportant in comparison to the outrageous demand she made of him.

Bold as you please, the woman—Sue—sat down on his chair as if it belonged to her. She was lucky it wasn’t the captain's chair on the bridge, or else he would -

“First of all, because you're bad,” Sue said, leaning back and crossing her arms. “Seriously, have you heard yourselves? You'll never make it to Quadrantals, not if there's some justice left in the world.”

She continued, shouting over the outraged gasps and protests of the crew.

“And more importantly, because you shouldn't. Humans just don't have the capacities. You are such a pathetic little race. Look at you! You've made it into space, but you are inferior to every known race in the galaxy! The Vulcans are paragons of logic and the greatest scientists of the galaxy! The Klingons are fierce warriors! They can afford to waste some time singing and dancing, but you can't!”

The botanist, Tina Cohen-Chng, raised her hand. “But not all of us are human! Chief Chang here is Vulcan, and Mr. Puck, who's on the bridge, is a Klingon, and Lieutenant Berry-”

“I'm half-Betazoid!”, Miss Berry interrupted.

Sue didn't seem impressed. “I stopped listening at 'but'. It makes no difference, though. If you choose to serve an inferior race, that makes you even worse!”

Now Will was angry. “Enough!” he shouted. “How dare you come in here and...and prosecute and judge us for what we are!”

“Prosecute and judge? What an interesting idea!”

Suddenly, the scene around them changed. Instead of the chairs in the choir room there were benches. Will himself was sitting at a table, and Sue was standing before him, wearing a judge's cap and gown with track stripes on the sides.

“What is going on?” he demanded, rising, but Sue just glared at him and he found himself sitting down again, cowering over his table. He forced himself to sit up straight.

Sue raised a hand and hit the top of the piano with a gavel that had not been there before.

“Justice will be served! You will now answer to the charge of being a grievously untalented and undeserving race.”

Lieutenant Commander Hummel raised his hand. “If I may?”

Surprisingly, Sue nodded.

“In the year 2036, the New United Nations declared that no Earth citizen could be made to answer for the crimes of their race and forebears.”

“Well, but we do not adhere to such ancient, barbaric laws. And as I was so kindly informed earlier, not all of you are from Earth—so I do not condemn you as Earth citizens, but as what you claim to be—performers. I do, however, condemn the human race with you.”

“That is hardly fair!” William exclaimed.

“Fair doesn't come into it. I am Sue—my will is done.”

William realized there was no way to talk to Sue—and no way to resist her, either, not with the powers she had demonstrated. So their only chance was to go along with her, and win the trial.”You accuse the human race of being untalented,” he said. “Do you have any proof?”

“Are you certain you want a full disclosure of musical ugliness? So be it, fool!”

Out of thin air, a scroll appeared in Sue's hand. When she unrolled it, it trailed down to the floor and dragged a few feet behind her when she brought it to Will.

“A list of musical abominations, written by human hands and performed by human mouths. One of these songs is so bad, it caused the fall of the Berlin Wall! Please spare us the pain of reading it aloud.”

Will took the scroll and read it silently. After a few songs, he had to concede that Sue had a point. The songs listed were really terrible, but even they, he thought, could be saved. If he would do them, or his crew—there were several power ballads on the list that could benefit from Lieutenant Berry's voice, and the rap songs could only become better if he performed them.

Maybe that was what he was supposed to do? Take these bad songs and make them good? Maybe that was the way to win this trial?

Better not ask that, though. He had a feeling that Sue would reject a proposal just because he made it, even if it should be her original plan.

Cautiously, he said, “I won't deny there are bad songs out there, but even with humanity's many other accomplishments -” he ignored Sue's derisive snort - “it has produced many more great songs. I would go as far as to say humanity is one of the most talented and versatile races in the galaxy.”

Sue laughed, long and loudly. When she had finished, she said, “Well, that's your word against mine, mon capitaine du menton cul. And since I am an immortal being of near limitless power, and you are but the captain of an inconsequential Gleeship, it is no great puzzle who is right.” She stroked her chin in a show of intense thinking. “It would be interesting to see, wouldn't it, where humanity would be today if it hadn't wasted all that time and energy on creating inferior music. I think I will make that your punishment, captain: if you lose this trial, I will condemn humanity to a life without music. I will strip every little bit of musical inclination out of every human being in all of time, so that there will never have been any music made in the whole of human history. Isn't that a wonderful idea?”

The crew broke out in gasps and shouts of “No!”, and William, too, was horrified at this idea. He forced himself to stay calm.

“And are we not to be given an opportunity to defend ourselves?” he asked.

“Of course,” Sue answered. “This is a trial, after all. Let it not be said that the Sue were unjust. It's a wasted effort, considering human intelligence, but please... what do you have to say for yourselves?”

William took a deep breath, thoughts racing as he tried to prepare a defense that would sway even that philistine, but before he could speak, Lieutenant Berry rose to her feet.

“Not in talk, Sue. You have accused us of being untalented—let us prove the opposite is true in the only fitting fashion: in song.”

“Oh, no!” Sue answered. “I can not abide singing. But I won't deny there's a certain...primitive logic in what you are saying. So I have a challenge for you: I have accused you of being an untalented race inferior to any other race in the universe. To prove me wrong, you just have to beat the other races: win the Quadrantals.”

Then she was gone. The choir room was back to normal, the crew sitting on chairs instead of benches, the table and chair William had been sitting on gone, so he landed painfully on his butt.

The place where Sue had been standing was empty.

While Will struggled to his feet, the room around him erupted in uproar. The crew was shouting and talking all at once, all except Lieutenant Commander Hummel, who could be expected to remain calm in even the most unusual of circumstances. Sometimes, William really wished for that kind of serenity.

“Quiet!” he shouted, and one by one, they settled down. As he looked into the distraught faces of his crew, William realized that he was challenged to fulfill his role as a captain like he had never been before.

“We will never win!” Miss Cohen-Chang cried, voice shaky with barely held-back tears. “We've never even reached Quadrantals before!”

“But it has always been our goal,” William said. “Winning Quadrantals would not only win us Sue's trial, but show everyone at Starfleet that the honored tradition of Gleeships is not at an end yet. They would be forced to finally take us seriously.”

“What are we going to do, sir?” Mr. Hummel asked.

“We do exactly what we'd do if this Sue never existed. If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are.”

He sat down heavily on the piano bench as he considered their options. “Although we probably should rehearse more. And we need to start recruiting new performers.”