#i stress the not having ADHD meds when Im off meds because thats the one that makes all the difference in being productive

[bigskydreaming]

Thank you for the assistance. I have got my meds, I am good to go, it'll take a few days for my synapses to all get back to firing properly but they have everything they need to do that now which is. A huge relief. Back to the No Distractions Cave!

[sphinx-myth]

"Mothers yell because they are stressed"

WHAT, EVEN AT 6AM? EVEN AT 3 20 PM? EVEN AT 5PM - 1AM?? SOMETIMES 3AM? EVERYSECOND? OF EVERY DAY? IF KIDS STRESS YOU OUT. DONT. HAVE.FUCKING.KIDS.

Yes ur a bad parent. You said this one of the MULTIPLE times you broke off with dad. You said it when you had a fight with dad. You said it when you had a fight with brad. You said over text when u send me to spy on dad. You tell me 24/7. And you know what. YEA YOU ARE FUCK OFF AND STOP VENTING TO ME, GO TO FUCKING THERAPY OR MAYBE TAKE YOUR MEDS. WHILE DADS NOT TOO GOOD HIMSELF HES BETTER THAN YOU AND THAT SAYS ALOT

I SHOULDNT FEEL LIKE CRYING EVERYTIME I DO SOMETHING LIKE SAY NO TO WATCHING A MOVIE WITH MY OWN FATHER BECAUSE IM SO UNCOMFORTABLE WITH BEING ALONE WITH HIM WATCHING SOMETHING BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME WHEN HES DRUNK. I SHOULD NOT HAVE DREAMS OF YOU YELLING JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. STOP SENDING THOES TIKTOKS YOUR A CUNT LEAVE ME ALONE.

15 YEARS OF BULL SHIT AND IT TOOK ME NEARLY A YEAR TO LEARN TO BE ANGRY AFTER DOING EVERYTHING I CAN FOR YOU. I ACTUALLY LOVE CLEANING. I LOVE SINGING. ID BE SO MUCH BETTER IF MAYBE YOU DIDNT RIDICULE ME EVERY FUCKING DAY. WHY DO I GET MASSIVE BACKLASH EVERYTIME I GET A CHANCE TO BE UPSET. YOU MAKE IT WORSE IM ANGRY EVERYTIME IM AROUND YOU GUYS BECAUSE YOU MAKE IT WORSE. LET ME FEEL FUCKING EMOTIONS FOR ONCE. WHY ARE THERE PHOTOS OF ME SLIGHTLY CRYING BECAUSE YOU FORCED US TO SIT THERE IN A DARK ROOM WITH BLUE LED LIGHTS AND USED THE FLASH EVEN THO I BEGGED U NOT TOO. I HATE BRIGHT LIGHTS. AND YOU PROCCEED TO INSTALL WHITE BRIGHT LIGHTS ALL DOWNSTAIRS AND YELL AT ME WHEN I DONT WANNA BE IN THERE?

I can rant about her for hours honestly.

A motto i learned at like age 10 that i even taught my brothers "prepare for the car." BECAUSE THATS WERE YELLING ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN WE DO SOMETHING SLIGHTLY WRONG. Brads response to it all is anger, jamies is anger of tears, mine is just to try space out or ignore you, tommys is to freeze and im trying my damn hardest to teach AN NEARLY 12 MAYBE AUDHD YEAR OLD HOW TO PROCESS IT BETTER THAN FREEZING.

Years i spent trying to help you, but your the villain your so afraid of it. You know it, like you know that theres good chance i have arfid and autism. THE DOCTORS TOLD U I HAVE AN ED. Tommy has autism and adhd, brad has may hpd, adhd and anger issues. YOU KNOW THIS AND YOU REFUSE TO GET US HELP? Fuck you. I cant even feel safe to write in a book or on my phone because of you.

[mintyvoid]

so i bought and have now recived my anti planner, and while i imagine a bunch of the tools wont do anything- im hoping something helps. And ill try to speak up if anything does.

For some context i suppose if you dont regularly read my depressed rants, i was diagnosised autistic in 2020 but had been in therapy on and off since 2010 for anxiety and depression. I found a majority of resources not helpful or treading over ground ive already done years into- when I started researching 'okay so im autistic what the fuck do i do now, how do i get better'.

(I just keep ranting how shit doesnt seem to want to work for me below)

Most likely cause of all the years ive done work on myself, i am very self aware and quite good at communicating how im feeling. But found that none of the tools I learned helped long term or even enough to better my quality of life(now knowing this was because all those tools help people without a neuro disability, they simply were never going to work).

I've also found that a lot of the resources out there, include this book, are catered towards those with adhd, which while having a lot of simularities to autism- they are not the same. And though I had previously thought i was adhd, im like pretty sure this isnt the case(like in terms of a duo adhd n autism diag). So a lot of the stuff i end up finding /also/ doesn't work.

Though i cant reaally tell if its due to the autism or depression. A good example is the 'trick your brain' angle i see abundantly. To do things like 'set a timer to create a deadline or force panic' or similar time constrainted things simply dont work. I can feel incredible stress to complete something from a deadline or disappointed friend or angry manager and it do little to nothing to motivate me to do the actual thing. If i dont want to do something(or even if i want to do something but my brain for whatever reason doesnt let me), it doesnt happen- concequnce be damned.

I can break tasks into smaller chunks for days, but if i cant get up or move my arm to start said small task then it doesnt really matter does it? The one thing i can do is organize lol, but its the one thing that i see the most as advice- which is totally understandable as its not something taught so a majority would lack the skill. I was really lucky to seek help when i did and to then get actually good advice. It's probs been the only moment where help and support did actually help my quality of life.

Most likely I wont see any improvement in my life till I either go back therapy(actually find someone who can help someone like me, probs needs to be on meds again too) or can afford to create an environment thats supportive of my needs...or more than likely a combo of the two lol. Neither of which i see happening as both need money and i cant work nor get much from my disability program and cant work enough on online stuff to make that my income.

As an aside, i do know that many if not most, have it worse than i do. And i often feel that i simply cant complain about my own situation because im have a loving family that supports me as much as they can, im no where near homelessness, im not bipoc or a trans person, i could technically work but i would only be able to just work(aka id have to give up doing what i ant for a living and went to school for and actually am passionate about, and honestly typical work stresses and sucks so much energy out of me ugh id probs just burn out again n quit). I dont feel i can ask for money or support when there are others i feel need it way more than i do.

And i absolutely hate that what i have isnt enough, and that fact is also why i feel i cant vent. Srry this kinda went off the deep end.

[februaryberries]

Study (?) tips that you don’t see on every study post

Hi gamers, I just finished my first year at college/university!!

This year was really a struggle for me because I was trying to get the help I needed for my mental health, and I did not succeed until literally the week before finals spring term. I just got diagnosed w ADHD and put on meds (thank god) and I’m excited for the next year to come.

Though this year was absolutely grueling I did discover some little tips that can really help ! This is coming from my experience w ADHD but it could relate to other neurodiverse learners as well ! Even if you are neurotypical some of these might help !! 

This post got really long so I’m gonna put it under the cut but, main Idea is bolded w a more in depth explanation underneath ( for those like me who see a block of text and go running)

In no particular order:

If you can/are up for it take a class before noon even if you are not a morning person. I am NOT saying take an 8am when u regularly go to bed at 4am! Bc that is dumb bb pls get some sleep. In my experience once I go to class my brain is like “oh things are happening now, it is actually a day and not just existing in a timeless hellscape.”

Once I am out of bed/out of my room I am at least mildly more productive for the rest of the day. Going to a class before noon means you are up and doing things for the day and early enough that you still have light. This ties into the next one

Start while it’s still light out!! At least for me I gain so much happiness from natural light/sunlight, and it is very hard for me to do things let alone START things once it’s dark out because my brain is like nope the day is over now. Plus in the fall/winter days days are getting shorter and shorter so it’s important to make use of as much daylight as you can. I feel like a plant w how much I rely on light to survive but it really does help! 

Put on ‘Real People’ clothes. This is something that really helps me, even if it’s just like, jeans and a turtleneck, maybe tucked in w a belt. I’ve found that when I put on academic-y clothes or like Adult clothes it helps me switch my brain into school mode. It’s kinda like putting on a uniform for work? If I’m in too loose of clothes or like pyjamas for example, I’m much less likely to be able to switch my brain into productive mode. For me especially its when i’m wearing tighter clothing rather than baggy ones? Like i said a turtleneck which like the sleeves are fitted to my arms, and jeans or pants that are fitted to my legs. I think it helps because it makes me more aware of my body in the space? Idk.  figure out what real people clothes feel like to you, and then have a couple of go to outfits you can slip on when you’ve been in a hoodie and sweatpants all day and really need to get some work done. 

On that note, put on shoes. For me along w the tight clothing, I do better in shoes, specifically ones that lace up and can be tight. Like hightop converse, or boots, or even dress shoes w laces. I think in a way my body needs to be contained so I can focus on something? I’m not sure why I feel like that but i’ve learned to work w it. Putting on shoes for me helps because

1. I’m not distracted by what I’m putting my bare feet on (i cannot stand wearing socks unless im wearing shoes so yes bare feet)

2. I’m not getting distracted by my floor n the fact that hey maybe i should sweep bc there are some crumbs sticking to my feet now.

And 3. You put on shoes when you are going to go outside and go somewhere. It’s like putting pyjamas on to go to bed, you’re brain associates those items with doing something, so putting on shoes can signal to your brain hey we are doing something now, and that something is work.

Talk to your teachers !! I understand sometimes you have a teacher from hell and honestly idk what to tell you at that point but in  a lot of cases teachers can be very understanding !! The amount of support I’ve gotten from my teachers this year is absolutely insane and 100% the only thing that made it so I didn’t get kicked out of college. Like reaching out to your teachers shows that you care! if you have to take a mental health day sometimes let them know !! i would always let my teacher know that I really wanted to be in class but I just couldn’t handle it that day. They also can help connect you to resources you didn’t know about ! 

Look into what resources your school has !! I was talking about how next year is gonna go now that I’ve been diagnosed and such with my friend, and how I was gonna contact the DRC (disability resource center) and she didn’t know you could get support for having ADHD!! Like I know you can get extensions on due dates, attendance forgiveness, and even potentially note taking assistance when you have ADHD and talk to them. even if you are medicated it doesn’t 100% solve everything and there are still ways to get support! Whether its study groups, writing centers/support, tutoring, or even contacting your drc or whatever your school has, it can really help!! I’m definitely going to take advantage of these resources if I can next year ! 

Find a place outside you can go to clear your head (or have a mental breakdown) 

I can’t even begin to count the amount of times i’ve been freaking out over something or stressed out of my mind and my room started to feel to stuffy and claustrophobic and i just needed to get OUT. try to make sure it’s somewhere safe and close that you can go to even at night. (maybe try to shoot a text to your best friend that you’re out and if you don’t let them know you’re home by a certain time to start raising alarm, your safety is the most important) I tend to like to be up high because i’m further away from people, and the streets and I’m closer to the sky.

My go to thinking/breakdown spot is the roof of the parking garage a block away. It has stairs that are easy access and the top levels are usually empty even during the day. It really helps me to just go out and listen to music and collect my thoughts sometimes. My head can start going a million directions at lightspeed and I need to stop and be present, and being outside helps. It’s a good way to regroup.

Spend 10 minutes picking up your desk/work space. I tend to let my room get cluttered and messy and out of control a lot, to the point where I know it’s going to take at least a couple hours to get it clean again. It is also hard to focus when you’re in a messy environment. I would stress myself out and be like “well i HAVE to clean my whole room because I can’t focus if my space isnt clean I cant start until I clean” and then I would put all of my productive energy into cleaning, and get maybe halfway done before burning out and going to bed.

You’re never going to get any work done if you keep in this mindset. So instead just spend 10 minutes picking up the garbage off your desk, put the dishes in the kitchen, and put things back in their place. Then you will have enough space to work on your assignment and that space will be free of clutter so it won’t be as stressful. 

DRINK WATER DRINK WATER DRINK WATER

Have a water bottle in front of you when you’re studying/in class. I get fidgety a lot when i’m in class/studying (thank u adhd) and so having a water bottle is a way for me to fidget I guess? Depending on the water bottle, you have little steps you have to do to drink that help u fidget,

for example: pick it up, take off the lid, drink, put the lid back on, set it down.

Or pick up, push button that opens drink hole (?), set back down.

When I have a water bottle on my desk it satisfies my need to do something with my body and comes with the bonus of staying hydrated, without me having to lose focus doing something else. Also you won’t get distracted by a sore throat or the realization that you are really thirsty.

Pay attention to why you’re not paying attention. Not everything that works for me is going to work for you, so you have to figure out what works for you. I started to notice that I would be uncomfortable or feel funny working when I was in baggy clothes and that helped me figure out I needed to wear real people clothes. If you find yourself getting distracted, take note of what is distracting you. maybe try literally making a list of things that distract you, so then you can identify patterns and how to combat them !

That’s all I have for now, I hope some of these could maybe help? All of these have helped me actually complete an assignment occasionally, and somehow keep my ass in college. I just want to say that my experience is my own and things that work for me aren’t going to work on every one. college can be really tough, especially your first year when you’re trying to figure everything out. I may not have all the answers but feel free to shoot me a message!! i’m here for you if you want to ramble about an assignment you’re fed up with or a teacher you hate or anything thats bothering you !! Everyone’s college (and life) experience is different so don’t feel bad if yours doesn’t look the same as the people around you ! Remember to take care of yourselves !!!

Have a good day :)

[oftheredmoon]

my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.

i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.

i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.

i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.

its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.

“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.

“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.

“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.

“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.

“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.

“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.

“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.

“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.

this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.

if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.

this post is to vent.

this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.

you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.

i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.

dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.

[dumbcuckbucket]

i uhh wrote a thing and i just need to put it somewhere and forget it exists.

no one talks about the ugly nights when youre chronically ill. you hear about the bad nights, the dangerous nights, and occasionally even the good nights. but you rarely hear about the nights when someone lays awake in bed, crying from pain that they cant stop and wondering why the fuck they deserve to feel this way.

why am i, at twenty, so tired of living in so much pain all the time, that im questioning life? not in a suicidal way, let me make that very clear. ive been actively suicidal before, and this is different. i want to stop existing, but i dont want to die. i simply want to stop hurting.

why is it that when the sun comes up and ive gotten little to no sleep, my body still screaming in pain, must i pretend i am okay? brush it off as simply a life i am used to and thats that. i am used to it, but why must that be okay? why must i exist this way?

around nine i will roll out of bed and pretend my joints dont burn and that my head doesnt weep and act as if i havent spent the better part of the night terrified of how my illness will affect my future and silently sobbing about it. i’ll feed my dog and take him out. there’s some fresh air. its nice, but i’m tired. i want to lay down again.

i’ll shower, which will take so much of my energy that i do not have anymore. i’ll make phone calls. it seems like all my life is is phone calls, and then spaces between calls where life moves around me and i make no progress. i’ll call my doctor and ask for blood tests to see if my meds are working. i’ll call a different doctor to make sure my referral was granted by my other doctor. if it hasnt been, i’ll call that doctor.

i have an appointment at 11. its supposed to help. im getting screened for adhd and other mental disabilities that may be affecting my studies. what doesnt affect my studies anymore? im stressed about work, im stressed about my family, im stressed about covid and money and my studies and i am so tired. its supposed to help. i am already so resigned to hear that theres nothing wrong, because nothing is ever wrong if i dont fight and get different opinions. i am so fucking tired of fighting. i hope i get the help i need, because i dont think i can keep trying to get it.

my mom died. did i tell you that? two years ago, right after i moved away for college. her birthday is in 9 days. i wish i could talk to her. its hard, holding resentment for someone because of how they treated you while missing them so deeply it feels like a bullet wound.

her funeral was weird. it never really hit me that she died. i mean, i know shes dead. ive known. but when the treatments stopped and the cancer spread, she died long before her heart stopped. i wish i had better memories. i know there had to be good ones there, but i only remember the bad and the dying.

its crazy that of all the things that could be wrong with me, its chronic shitting disease. it feels like a joke. trying to talk about a chronic illness in almost any setting is hard enough. imagine that chronic illness relating to poop. it sucks.

after my appointment i have to go pick up a prescription. i hope it helps. it needs to help, because i am so tired of doctors and phone calls and the ever piling list of meds that dont work. having medication lists sent to new doctors and having to say “no i stopped that one when i started this one” and “that one didnt work” over and over and over gets exhausting. i don’t remember half of the meds they name anymore.

my roommates dont understand. i wish they did. they dont realize how hard it is for me to brush my teeth, let alone cook and clean. then to have to socialize with them at the end of the day feels like pulling teeth. i love them. theyre my best friends, my tether to life when i feel like im floating while the world moves without me. i just wish they understood.

i’ll try to go to class after i get my prescription. i’ll log on and ignore it, like i always do. i’ll lay down in bed with my computer muted, looking through twitter or looking at etsy. anything to not deal with the real world for a few minutes. the real world is so exhausting.

im still crying, but its fine. this is my life, its how it is. im used to it. its okay. (a lie, but a good one).

i’ll call my dad. i’ll lie when he asks how i am. i’ll tell him im tired because i havent slept well this week (lie of omission). he’ll ask how im feeling. i’ll tell him im fine (a direct lie). ill tell him about my appointment and my new inhaler and all the calls ive made. i’ll make a joke about how much it all fucking sucks (not a joke, but my tone doesnt let the truth out). he’ll tell me about his days off. he’ll tell me about work, and the grocery shopping he did, and how he still has laundry and that he hasnt done anything in the garage yet. he’ll tell me what hes making for dinner. i’ll say it sounds good (a lie; nothing sounds good to me anymore) and i’ll say im jealous (a truth; i miss his food). we’ll sit in silence for a bit, then he’ll say “well i gotta get going” and we’ll say goodbye. he’ll say i love you. i’ll say it back (the final truth). one of us will remember something to talk about. we’ll say goodbye again.

i’ll lay down again, and while the sun is out i wont think about how much i hate this. how i, at twenty, dont deserve this. how i have had my future robbed from me so i can make calls and appointments and run through a mile long list of medications.

my dog will lay down with me, and i will feel guilty for not taking him to the park to play.

i’ll remember i have to pay rent. i get up to do it. i bring my dog, and we go to the park. he runs himself hard, so we only stay for half an hour. we’ll go home, he’ll be happy, and i’ll be exhausted. i’ll go lay down and vaguely think about my school work. i wont do it. i’ll let my roommates decide what we do for the night. i’ll try to make some food, or order something. they’ll make fun of me, not realizing it hurts that they dont see that being alive is so hard for me. they dont understand, but thats okay. it has to be okay.

ive stopped crying. my knees and ankles and elbows and fingers still hurt. my stomach churns and my head is pounding, but im used to it. its okay. it has to be okay.

[silenced92]

Hey i’m just going to vent under the cut.. just need to get things out.

So I have dysthemia, social anxiety and adhd, all diagnosed by my gp, then  a psychiatrist, And i have been treating all 3 for over a year now.. And while in general things have been improving, these past 3months have been a real shit show. 

This whole year has been a test for me, with moving out of home, family dramas, my family moving out of our old house (after being there for 25years) so i lost the place that i retreat back to if things ever get too bad or if i get homesick. (while they live nearby still, its not the same. i’ve been growing more distant from them ever since) having to deal with chronic pain from carpal tunnel - had one operated on, booked into get the next one. It feels like as soon as i get through one thing, the next jumps out at me.  MEDS i got them reviewed recently. Im on ecitalopram 30mg, thyroxine 50mg, endep 50mg, dexamphetamine 10mg and then i have either panadine forte or  ibuprofen + codiene for the pain as well  (which has become a nightly thing to get me to sleep)  My psych said everything looks fine, if anything they should be working extra well. and kept me on everything. And at the time it was all looking up. That was a good week, i had the first lot of surgery, and i hadnt been back to work yet so my other hand hadnt flaired up. Now 2months later i’ve fallen back into terrible habits and a circle of self loathing. 

Bad Habits..  We all have them. Some are worse then others. More harmful.  sleep - it only happens when i dont want it to. i try and stay awake on the couch to watch something? try and get through a eps of a new show or a movie? Give me 20mins or less, and im out cold. Send me to bed? I lay awake staring at the walls, my fishtank, phone. anything. my brain starts running like crazy, replaying all the bad thoughts over and over, l end up tossing and turning for atleast a hour before eventually falling asleep. This is one of the reasons i’ve been taking painkillers at night. to help myself fall asleep. Whether its because i’ve been plagued with uncontrollable pain, or because my brain wont shut off, they seem to be something which i turn to. Along with taking the endep to assist with sleeping better. The only issue is when i wake up the morning after taking panadine forte, its like im hung over; sluggish and tired. Like i could sleep forever. just not in my bed. on the couch. 

Food - I have an issue with emotional/boredom eating. which is only made worse with a chocolate addiction. And i know this is an addiction because when i dont get a fix i turn into a stressed out bitch. I eat because its become routine, even if im not hungry, i’ll make sure i have lunch (never breakfast though due to morning anxiety and nausea) then i will snack on all the sweet things. go to work. have like a banana and a muesli bar.. only to come home at around 10 and cook dinner. normally end up eating it by midnightish. Which i know is one of the worst things to do. And i hate myself for it. It never used to be this bad. but then i moved out of home. my room mate hates cooking and waits till i get home for dinner.. so its like a full meal. not just a pasta snack or something.. Even now as i type this im snacking on lollies, while dinner is cooking. Which i know i shouldnt do, i’ve gained so much weight since i moved out like 20kgs. just from stress eating, to much icecream, slushies, and bigger portions. i hate myself for it. the amount of self loathing i have over my body grows everytime i see it in the mirror, catch my reflection, have an old lady ask whens it due, or just when i feel my tummy, its so heavy and i hate it. Selfharm - the whole hating my body leads into this next part. I have always done small things to harm myself. things like running the water to hot (coming up bright red afterwards, sometimes it stays for hours) Scratching and picking at my skin/scabs often until i bleed. And all with the goal of it makes me feel better when my skin is clean and without any lumps.  At the start of last year i made the terrible mistake of adventuring into the world of cutting. What started as the small thought of “oh i wonder how sharp this blade is?” ended with me having cut my thigh over 50 times over the course of 2 nights. after that i settled and stopped. The ache of the cuts every time i took a step reminded me of what i did, that i’m a worthless piece of shit, it was a pain and a punishment that i controlled.  After that i didnt cut often. it freaked my now roommate out too much, he became concerned because he knows the damage it can cause (previous history of selfharm and suicide attempt) And he worked out when i was getting to a point where i was ready to self harm again and would stop me. or if i had already done it he would just hug me, not judging. And the urge would normally disappear. Unfortunately earlier this week it didn’t. and i had begun lying to my roommate when he asked if i was okay. it wasnt his burden to carry. just mine. So i got out my pocket knife and proceeded to carve the words fat and worthless into my other thigh.. it felt amazing to do. like i was punishing myself for becoming what i am. The pain and aches i felt while cutting and afterwards was such a release. To have pain that i can control. That i know will go away. and makes me actually feel something other then just the fuzz which carpal tunnel leaves you with. 

Only issue is now i keep finding myself wanting to cut again, or do more to hurt myself. That with the never ending feeling that i just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. its been making it difficult to get motivated to do anything other then not move under the blankets. 

Coping. Coping methods, or more so not coping very well has so far been dealt with by cuddling the cats when i can. and hoping that lee with give me a hug when i ask (although asking for one can become a terrible spiral of self hate and rejection again if he says no) I love going home to mum and dads still, for the other human and animal contact. theres just something amazing and redeeming about cuddling a doggy. there unending love and warmth just makes you want to never let go.  thats about were my coping ends.. this was more just a vent becayuse i was going to explode.. so many emotions. the pain has started to kick in now. to much typing so i cant really do this easily anymore, i keep hitting the wrong keys and stuff.   Thanks if anyone managed to read this far. i will probably delete this later.. 

[neurunique]

rant

aimed at my parents/some people i know in my family/some friends i have. not aimed at anyone on tumblr, but, i guess it’d be cool if anyone can relate.

topic: ADD drugs issue: people stating that a) because they feel good when they take add drugs, they are therefore add. b) because they can “do things better that one time they took a dexie”, they have ADD (note, dexies = adderall)

My rant is as follows.

So I have been diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago at aged 19. And recently it is coming to light that a more specific diagnoses is autism spectrum disorder, and my psychiatrist has referred me on to a specialist to diagnose this. However in the presence of this potential diagnoses, nothing will change treatment wise, however I may be able to take additional therapies for speech and socialisation of sorts.

 Back to my rant, I have met many people who believe that because they took dexies and things went well, they are therefore “add”

But do you even know what add is? It isn’t even about drugs. Its about the inability to focus for longer than 5 minutes and its the inability to carry on a conversation and in my case where I’m possibly ASD, its severe social issues, and excelling academics but then the inability to carry out focus on such. ADD, is the inability to get ANYTHING done through out the day without the assistance of SOMETHING, and if you really had ADD, you wouldn’t just say “because I took this I have it”, you’d consider getting help from a doctor, you’d consider talking out these specific traits, and you would try to address them as best as possible. For example:

“I have attention issues, and I would like to resolve this.”

Possible recommendations from a doctor, without the serious diagnoses of ADD, is therapy, Cognitive or Dialectical, and even counselling. Because typically, attention deficiency doesn’t spark from no where, at least most of the time - if it’s come up more in late adulthood, you are more than likely encountering stress and need to get help for it (of course it will affect your attention span, but the presence of drugs just to help you get through a stressful time is never a good idea). 

The one time I took an illicit dexie, I was just 18, and it made me fall asleep in a night club. That kinda made me wonder, but I never did anything about it. I’ve always had a hyperactive brain, but, in a more HF-asd type of way. So, in the absence of medication, I am quite frantic, not emotional but rather I’m uncontrollable in terms of what I can and can’t do. Infact, even on meds, I’m STILL like that, its just i’m a lot more calmer. Its a stimulant, and for non-add brains, it will stimulate you. Just like it does to people who say “I can do an assignment in 6 hours when I’m on adderall” or “I can stay up all night” etc. Butfor people with the opposite brains, it will do the opposite. It will send you to sleep (I’ve considered using it as a sleep tablet at times). It wont work like it does on people who socially use it. So the conclusion that you are “add and need drugs” is false, because, you took it a few times along with however many other drugs in your life, and it had a certain effect, maybe you liked that effect, and now you’d like to use this title as an excuse to get drugs off of me, drugs that I pay $300 a psych apointment for, drugs that I go into hospital for in association with my ASD issues, drugs that I wait for 28 days to get in the chemist, spend 1 hour waiting for, spend a lot of money on... And you would like them for free, for fun, for leisure, to “get things done”. And yeah it might help you but that doesn’t mean you have ADD so don’t even joke about having it.

Its different with ASD, because while dexies are one of the treatments, you can’t say “I have asd, give me those dexies you have”. So, hopefully, when I do get that formal diagnosis, perhaps my family will stop hassling me for drugs and saying they have “Add”. because they don’t, they have lives, high functioning jobs, I’ve seen them work and they get things done. And I never could and I still can’t and sometimes the drugs help but its mainly therapy thats helped the most.

You wouldn’t ask a diabetic for their insulin if you’re not diabetic. So don’t ask me for neuro-stabilising (idk what that word means kek) meds, if you don’t even have any kind of diagnosis, or furthermore, if you’re not prepared to get the specific help for your hypochondriac diagnosis.

(Of course, I am guilty of self diagnosing in the past. I’ve had my moments but that was in high times of stress. I would never insult someone with an official diagnoses , say, for severe anxiety, which I used to have, and ask for their Xanax -- an unlikely situation these days, but still. I wouldn’t ask my best friend for his Lyrica or schizophrenia medication for fun, I know its not for fun, but its the same principle... I respect people and I respect their diagnoses and the revelations of medicine, its why I study it. ITs why I aim to be a doctor. And the excuses we use to get what we want and the labels we put on ourselves in a joking manner is actually quite an insult, some times people say “im pretty autistic lol” and its like but are you? Have you faced discrimination for it every single day? Been fired for things you don’t even know are a problem? Had therapists leave you because you have severe inadequacies socially and developmentally? some people are autistic and its good that they can maybe recognise it, but its one of those disorders where, unless its pointed out to you, its unlikely you’ll just self-diagnose... I don’t even want the diagnoses, but 10+ people have told me, people close to me, for years, that they always think i had it. Self diagnosis is good for validation, but it isn’t who you are, and it isn’t a reason to manipulate friends or doctors into giving you drugs. Its no way to live and it ruins it for the people in the world that have real disorders and need real help for it and just feeds into the stigma.)