#i still want to angry post but im trying to refrain lol

[indecisive-dizzy]

Helloooooo Dizzy! How are you doing? I got Chinese food today so I’m cool 😎

I’m insane so I made designs for DearDollops for the high school angst/Daisey hating Eddie au

Daisey fluctuates between fem, masc, and androgynous looks, but they are fully goth. White foundation, lots of eyeliner, that kind of stuff. Their color palette consists of black, purple, and some red

I tried to give them a lace/transparent coat, but it doesn’t look good 😭

Eddie is just a stereotypical jock, varsity jacket and all. Home is the name of his school, he’s number 15, and they have a bunch of stars curtesy of Sally designing the varsity jackets for the school’s sport teams. He added a flower patch to his cause he was lovely and missed his bestie. Besides that he’s pretty basic lmao

Also I’m changing the lore so Daisey transferred out of Home High School (I’m gonna work on that name 🥲) and went to a new school where they ended up in the “bullies”/unpopular students that are alt and hate everyone

They only see each other during sports games between the two schools and Daisey always cheers for the other team (and Eddie totally doesn’t feel really hurt when he sees that)

Eddie with stubble real- it just works so well I love him

ART ART ART!! LOOK AT THEM <3333

ooo Chinese is good,, I had chicken nuggets and a frappe lol (not from the same place)

Goth <3 good for them. I don't think the transparent coat looks that bad! I can see the vision :]

Varsity jackets,,, oughh my beloveds,,, Eddie in a varsity jacket is everything. My blorbo in my favorite kind of jacket <3 Jock Eddie my beloved

Oh! I like the transfer lore!

Eddie stubble is real and in your home. he's so cute sob wail

[evil-writer]

@the-feminine-grotesque replied to your post “lol every time choi b*n do opens his mouth i hate him a little more....”

it's not about redemption. that indicates that he needs to be redeemed. he doesnt. it's their marriage that needs to be repaired. the thing is even if u sympathize more with jinjoo and dislike ban do (totally fair), he is not the sole reason they broke up. nor did they break up cuz their was no love there anymore, it was because love was crushed under the weight of their responsibilities. leading to both feeling alone, exhausted, neglected/underappreciated and miserable

idk how far in u are, so this might be smth that becomes more clear later on, or u just disagree completely to the very end. but yeah i like this drama cuz while yeah its about them finding their way back to each other it's even more about them getting to right the things int he past that left them with regrets, it's about figuring out where things went wrong in their lives and in their marriage, it's about reconciling their memories with what the reality of their past 

actually was. and ofc they get to actually know more about the people they had as a "first love". ep 5 was an interesting perspective on the nature of "first love" and what it actually means. and ofc then u have the shadow of the death of jinjoo's mother in the future which likely put a huge strain on their relationship esp if jj blames bd for it on some level. sorry im not trying to come in here and tell you how to feel about the drama or anyone in it i swear!

just wanted to give a different perspective. i dont like when ban do insults jinjoo but she's also pretty cutting with him. and more importantly idt either fully understands what pain they were going thru or how hard those words are hitting. i sympathize more with jinjoo definitely, part of that is jang nara is just KILLING it and has the eyes of a lost baby dear, and part of that is that unlike ban do she experienced a crushing loss with her mother's death.

i have more to say but i will refrain until i know how far along in the show you are (that assumes u want to hear more from me ofc. if u dont i will understand and stop here)

just fyi, i love your wall of text comments, and am always honoured to be a recipient of them. your perspectives are so insightful, and are always welcome! (lowkey they validate my stupid screaming into the void a lil bit so i’m always happy whenever tumblr deigns to notify me lolol).

i was actually not very far into the drama when i made the original post. it was something like early ep 3, probably? in any case, i’ve watched up to episode 5 right now and i can understand ban do. i can understand that he was in as much pressure as jin joo, if not more so (in terms of the future timeline). with my background and family, i more than understand the social pressures he faced. but while i understand his position, i still can’t help disliking him. 

for the most part, i’m able to separate the drama-digesting part of my brain from the part that deals with the rest of my life. but then a drama like go back couple will come along and go down the other pipe, and i’ll be watching with the full weight of the emotional baggage that comes with RL tara (as opposed to Tumblr User evil-writer). and the life jin joo had pre-time travel is my worst nightmare. it’s not even just the bits before their divorce. it’s that she had little to no life outside her duties as mom and wife. it’s that she didn’t have that luxury. i can’t stomach watching her go back to that. 

(her calling ban do stingy miser comes to mind here. was she right to call him that? no. but from where i stand, that comes from a deep-rooted anger at their whole financial situation, and while it’s not nice, it’s understandable.)

for dramas like this one, my overall feelings towards a character tend to be constructed by a first impression. and mine re: ban do involved him watching tv while seo jin bawled in front of the bathroom door, making it so that jin joo couldn’t even have a minute to do her business. many things happened after that, of course, but it’s the first thing that sprung to mind while jin joo broke down on the street crying for seo jin; how’s ban do doing? 

in the meantime, ban do was focused on how he could stay in the past (current time? idk i’m still confused about how this time travel works). he loves seo jin. there’s no doubt in my mind about that. but he has to be reminded that he has a child. 

see, the way i interpret it, ban do is immature. maybe a little too immature to be a family man. it’s this i was referring to when i said redemption, so i probably phrased it badly. after the initial “wow i’m back in my 20s” wore off, his gut reaction was to go after his first love. and yeah, of course, he has a right to explore that what-if. but if jin joo is breaking down in the streets because she misses her son, is it wrong to expect him to actually...remember on his own, that he has a son?

but also it’s his attitude towards jin joo. it’s his constantly back-handedly calling her ugly. it’s that i can’t accept, ignore or even understand. it’s the “why tf would he like you?” attitude. it’s the “there’s no way he thought you’re pretty” attitude. it’s that he’s allowed to dismiss jin joo (scene in the lecture hall) but when she does the same to him, he does the Wrist Grab. it’s the “you can’t do better than me, but i settled” attitude. which jin joo may or may not be guilty of as well. but the way i see it, her name calling and hurting him comes from a place of extreme frustration at their financial situation, and at the state of her life. she said pre-time travel that her regret was not studying a little harder, and not becoming a prosecutor. 

his involved his first love. 

maybe i’m oversimplifying him. maybe i’m a little too unforgiving. i can’t help it. it’s RL tara projecting her anxiety. and she’s a crazy bitch. i need jin joo to fix her life so that she’s never as miserable as she was pre-time travel. i need her to cultivate that career. and with ban do the way he is--heart in the right place, but so immature, i don’t think she can do that with him in her life. but again, it’s very much me as a person. 

(the same person that’s always angry about the way sung na jeong was treated by both the writing and the fandom, but that’s another story entirely.)

[knifenymph]

Hey, it's me @sapphicbabywitch sending a separate ask for healing (: lol I appreciate not wanting a long post, haha. Thank you ♡

hello!!!! im so super sorry for the delay but the only excuse i have is that I'm the literal worst LOL

okay so here we go:

i regard your energetic body, and find it riddled with grime. i’d imagine it must be hard to work with anything metaphysical, as it is almost as if you can’t even move. i bring the gentle rays of energy from the sun and clear all of the surface ick off. it slices in half and comes off like a shell. i pull you out of the armor-like grime and then begin

i start at your feet and continue up. i find that your feet are hard and strong, while your calves are weak and shriveled. your feet look like they have been petrified; hard as stone, frozen in place. i take some sunlight and warm them up, breaking them of the confinement. i then massage them out and bring any inner negative energy to the surface, removing it. i find that the rest of your legs are strong and sturdy.

your base energy point is calcified from lack of use. i warm it up and break the sealant from it, giving it new energy to cycle better. 

at your next energy point, i find that there seems to be a ball of tension enveloping your sacral. it is warm and red and painful to touch. softly, i scoop it out and away from your sacral and replace the outside with a coating of sunlight. it captures the sacral and restores and renews its energy.

i then move up to your solar plexus energy point. it is a little sore there, but nothing too severe. it seems only to be ailed due to the inefficient cycling of the energy. once the energy is cycling normally, it will go away. still, i coat it in sunlight energy and move on.

i find that your heart energy point is rather sore. it is strained a little bit, it seems. i warm it with my hands and brush the stress away, letting the strain go. it relaxes but tenses when i let go. give yourself a break. take a day to yourself and calm and soothe yourself.

your throat energy point is fine, but a little sore like your solar plexus energy point. it is sore for the same reason as well. i do the same as what i did for your solar plexus and continue up. 

your minds eye energy point is a little strained, and seems to squint out instead of just seeing normally. its energy is a turbulent dark blue color, rather than the calm indigo-purple it should be. i place my hand over it, easing it of the strain. it relaxes and closes for a moment, giving itself time to recover. it will open back up by the time i finish, but for now, it needs to rest.

your crown energy point seems to ache incessantly. nearing my hand towards it, i can feel the pain radiate off of it from inches away; an angry red. it is furious with pain. i slowly bring down the gentle rays of light upon it, assuring that it won't hurt. the energy point calms and gently waits with minor apprehension as the rays descend down. the rays encapsulate the energy point and bring it into a warm but strong embrace. it takes away the pain, revealing a light purple-pink color. it calms further and accepts the change and removal of pain.

i then align your energy so that it now begins to cycle correctly. i do one last pass over and remove any excess energy i hadn't removed before, by bring down the sunlight energy and passing it through you. the sunlight seems to intertwine with your energy and cycle though. 

i open up your minds eye energy point now, and it is doing better. but it could use a little more rest. i close it back up again so it can rest some more. it will open up back naturally in around three days, so until then, try to refrain from using your astral sight to anything of the sort. let it rest.

please leave a reviewthe rules for readings can be found here!

[mestos]

3AM Ramblings

LMAO well

what you see above there is actually a wip image of a small comic lol, changed the way i draw alpha’s hair yet again but whatcha got to lose, sad part about the comic is that ill prolly never post it on tumblr (or at least, try not to) but itll be up on my pixiv since i’m basically trying to build a log to upload, and i didn’t draw enough over the past few months of m///apl/e due to school. i don’t feel right just uploading 2pics bc ik it could get disappointing opening a photoset and only seeing 2 pics lmaoOOOOOooooo 

trying really hard to get rid of my attention-seeking habits. a long time back, i never actually had a problem with it? like, i was attentionseeking but not to the unhealthy extent i am now. i think making an askblog really ruined me mentally as notes and notifs and numbers suddenly took a huge impact on me? back then, it was just something i observed from afar but now when ive felt the numbers myself thats when it started to get really bad. ive had a bunch of friends tell me off for this - and i’m well aware that skill =/= number of notes/notifs, but its still such a fucking struggle to get rid of the mindset. i still glance by this godforsaken website and all my blog lists wondering if its worth putting time and effort then feeling disappointed and depressed when i see a low number or whatever after I post, and logically speaking that ain’t cool for me to do but I still do it anyway. trying to refrain is going to be one of the methods i try to avoid it, but i just hope i don’t end up lapsing back into the shitty mindset once i do post things again.

aside from that, a lot of my loneliness really stemmed from having no one to scream about my things towards bc HA, i like screaming to someone who understands the feeling towards the media with enthusiasm, and i often wonder if i’m spamming my twitter - i am, no doubt about that - so i really do say sorry to all my mutuals lmao...although i’m in a Avoid M///a//p///l//e/S///////t///o//r//y At All Costs phase rn bc all that dumb game/franchise has ever brought me is salt, despair, bullshit, etc. my favourites are never noticed, i fucking despise freud x zero till i die and that’s all i ever goddamn see (yeah, i said it. i dont give a fuck) , and well. idk. i feel like my skill is so limited bc - even though i enjoy drawing my faves, i feel like its not bringing me anywhere with my improvement, so i’m trying new things/focusing more on my original works. drawing Tiaz is still technically related bc he is a franchise OC, but i dont really associate him with whatever salt bc most of what i associate him with is like, the completely insert-based material. really, his story just contains the lore and not so much the bullshit story that makes me angry in the first place, so i’m cool with that. i really like drawing asta/teria too, i did a vote with my twit account and im pretty pleased to know  that people really like them too?? my friend personally also said they’re her current faves out of my ocs so that makes me soooo so pleased (lbr, teria is super pretty and asta is swag). 

sometimes i really envy people. its weird, because i can do the same thing as them? its so simple. but for some reason i feel like, i can’t at the same time or the chance always escapes me? or that i feel overwhelmingly obnoxious the minute i do something simple like sending a message. i’m also really closed off because i’m highly selective of the things i like, which makes it even harder. plus bc a lot of the time i cater to myself more than others and since i do that im usually in a minority, which makes it more difficult for me to magnetize people towards me. i’m trying though!! i do strike up conversations when i see it... but i always suffer that ‘i can help. but i don’t know how.’ thought which limits me even more??? god, i’m always so hesitant. when i was faced in a situation where someone was suffering i immediately stepped in to help but i didn’t know what to do? i asked questions but i really wasnt- i really didnt know what i couldve done. eventually someone else stepped in with more experience and was able to settle the situation, but the feeling of ‘i couldve helped but i didn’t know how’ just really stuck with me. i feel like i lack the maturity and independence to go out but i’m confused on how to change that? bc those things are built with experience, which means i need to go out and get some experience, but that’s easier said than done lol. i do feel like, sure, one thing i can do to get closer with people is listen to them and ha, i do that! anytime someone needs it, i’m willing to lend an ear or time. but what i do notice is that, while someone needs someone else to listen they also need guidance or advice. i’m aware i cant change the fact that i’m inexperienced in so much that i can’t offer any words of wisdom, but there it is again, the ‘i can help but i don’t know how’ feeling. i don’t want to say shit and i always have felt like ‘you’re saying shit they’ve heard before and you’re just making it worse’ whenever i try to say something reassuring. so i...i really envy people who can step in and create new bonds without these types of thoughts holding them back. i’m trying to get rid of them as best as i could because they sound like excuses don’t they? it sounds like i’ve come up with reasons to avoid interacting with new people. ha, that’s really not the case though...

wow this is long. it is late. i should sleep. did not want to overload my twit with a dumb threat so long ass tumblr post it is.

[poetry-suckss]

I havent put anything here for a while, but I figure I should put a little status update or something. While I originally started this page as a way to share my writing - even if its only with a few people - it also kind of became a way for me to track my mental and emotional health in a way. Posting here also made it feel like I was talking to someone, even though I wasnt. I have a problem where I refrain from talking to people because I dont want to make them worried, and figure they have their own problems they need to focus on, which while true, doesnt mean they wont help me. Anyway, it often felt like I could say those things here that I didnt want to say to anyone else. I think jm going to just continue that trend right now with this post lol but whatever. I also hope sometime that I'll be scrolling through old posts and see this and think about how silly I was being - that's always a great feeling.

So I'm still having trouble getting over her to be honest. Sometimes I feel really guilty about it because it has been well over a year since she first dumped me. That being said, I was doing okay until I saw her again this past summer. When we ended up reconnecting I rediscovered my love for her, and ended up being hurt again. I then tried again this fall and was let down. This time I feel bad about because I kind of freaked out on her and then a week later ended up drunk texting her. I sent an apology text but she hasnt responded, I dont really care if she responds, I just want her to know that I'm truly sorry for being a dick.

I'm feeling a huge mix of emotions. There are times where I feel kind of good, and I say to myself that I dont need her, and that I am going to find someone who is absolutely perfect for me. Then there are times where I just miss her so much it hurts and all that I want is to be with her again and to have her love me like I love her. There are times where I feel ashamed for letting myself be hurt over and over, and not being able to control my emotions at times. When im afraid that she hates me or thinks I'm crazy, and im afraid her family, who loved me, thinks the same. There are also times when im angry because I just dont understand anything. I dont understand why she doesnt want to give us a second chance. I know I would treat her well, but she still winds up in relationships that are toxic where she is not treated well and I just kinda want to be like "hey, I'm right fucking here!!" There are times where I just dont understand what made her not love me in the first place. There are times that I get jealous of other people. And the worst part is I feel guilty and ashamed that I feel any or all of these things.

Right now, I'm focusing on not feeling ashamed, and allowing myself to feel what I feel. I am also focusing on looking to the future. I have realized that as much as I want her in my life, as a friend or a partner, I just cant have either. It hurts really bad, but I guess it is what it is. But I am looking to the future and trying to realize that there are other, perhaps BETTER people out there for me to fall hopelessly in love with.

I am always going to love her, at least a small piece of my heart will. That is why I cannot be friends with her. I simply cannot handle it, I dont know why but I cant. I wish I could have her in my life but I think if this had taught me one thing it's that I cant be friends with people that I have loved as deeply as I loved her.

Anyway, those are my feelings. TLDR I'm an edgy young adult with girl troubles.