#i still struggle and ive been around for almost 3 years???

[azrielsdove]

Ive been loving all the fics youve been posting. I had this lil idea that hopefully sparks joy for you if ur requests are open. Its an azriel x reader. Where reader is very cold hearted and kinda mean almost bitchy like nesta. Hates to be touched eapecially on her back. Azriel hates her cuz she so unpleastant and so incredibly difficult. The bond snaps for azriel and hes so so confused because he for sure thought elain was for him. Reader always looks at azriels hands almost disgusted but the truth is that she had her wings cut off and the stumps burned down to her flesh, so her entire back is scarred like azriels hands. Her face isnt of disgust but since he hides his hands she assumes he'd be disgusted in her. Azriel softens up to her when he finds out she has a soft spot for children, maybe she teaches orphaned children in the city. Idk i just like the idea of a cold hearted reader thats just as scarred as azzy but actually has a soft heart for kids. Or maybe shes always longed for a family of her own but cant get passed her own insecurities. You can change whatever you'd like to fit your writing style. ❤️

Thank you love!!!! I am OBSESSED with this idea and took off with it. I decided to turn it into a mini series, when I started writing the Readers POV it was getting wayyyy long. I hope I have done your idea justice, here is part 1 <3

Cold Hearts: Azriel x Reader

Chapter Warnings: None

Pt. 2 Here

***

Azriel couldn’t stand her. She was nothing but cold and hateful to everyone, especially to him. When she had first come to stay with Rhysand in Velaris, he had tried to be kind to her. Rhys hadn’t told anyone why he brought her, and she certainly never opened up about it.

The first day he met her, she was sitting silently in the small library in the House of Wind. Azriel had smiled at her and given a “Good morning.” She had turned sharply to look at him, her gaze focusing on the hand he waved with. He watched the look of disgust come over her face before she turned back to staring into the fire.

Azriel had been a little taken aback. Sure, he struggled with the way his hands looked, and was no stranger to the dirty looks. The look on her face had been nastier than he had ever seen. She looked at his hands like they caused her pain. He left the library after that, not sure what to think.

Many years had gone by since that first meeting, and Azriel preferred to stay far away from her. No one else wears very fond of her either. He still didn’t know why Rhys had brought her here, nor why he allowed her to stay. She spent most of her days locked in her room or sitting in the library. She occasionally came to meals with the family, rarely speaking. And when she did speak? It was always some cold remark, as if she wanted to be anywhere else with anyone else.

So why did she stay?

Azriel pondered that question far too often. When Rhys became trapped Under the Mountain, he had included that everyone should be prepared for war in his last message. Azriel took it upon himself to train her. He had shown up to her room early in the morning, expecting a fight. To his shock, she willingly came.

She took to training quicker than Azriel had thought. She proved to have some skill under that cold shell she showed everybody, even if it took some coaxing for it to come out. He was impressed. Azriel even started enjoying teaching her, until the day she lashed out at him and declared she never wanted to see him again.

He didn’t know what he had done wrong.

He was trying to teach her a slightly difficult new maneuver. She was struggling to angle her body the correct way, unable to understand how Azriel did it. He had reached out to help her, placing a hand on her lower back and shoulder to move her body into place. She shot out of his grasp like he had stabbed her, whipping around to face him.

“What do you think you are doing?” She had seethed, eyes on fire. Azriel had held his hands up in surrender, confused.

“I was just trying to help-“ He had begun, being cut off by her.

“Don’t. Don’t fucking touch me.” She had glared at his hands, a stare he didn’t miss.

“I don’t understand why you must be so insufferable all of the time!” Azriel had snapped, fed up with the constant negativity and judgement that came from her.

“Maybe don’t be a nasty pig and grab up on any female you see!” She had shouted, turning to leave the ring. “Stay away from me. I don’t wish to see you anymore.”

And that was that.

Cassian had taken over her training from then on out. Azriel was fine with it. She clearly had some sort of issue with him, and it seemed to stem from his hands. His ugly, scarred hands. Were they really so grotesque she couldn’t even stand him touching her?

***

When Rhysand had returned from Under the Mountain, things got better and worse. At first, she had been kinder. Azriel had noticed how she rushed to Rhys before anyone else, how carefully she wrapped him in her arms. The two of them had disappeared after that, not seen until the next day. Azriel couldn’t figure out why the two of them had such a bond, why Rhysand cared for her so much. He had just come back and announced that the human girl - Feyre - was his mate, so it couldn’t be a romantic attraction.

Or could it?

Azriel shook his head, demanding those thoughts the leave his mind. Ignoring the spark of jealousy that ran through him. He didn’t know why he cared so much about her.

***

Elain. There was no doubt in Azriels mind that Elain was his. Rhysand had Feyre, Cassian had Nesta, naturally Azriel would have Elain. It didn’t matter that the cauldron had mated her with Lucien. Three sisters, three brothers. Anyone could read what that meant.

Azriel tried not to notice the way she had slunk into the shadows lately. When Feyre first came to the Night Court, the two had struck up a friendship. Azriel couldn’t believe his eyes and ears when he saw how fun and sweet she was with Feyre. It further confirmed his belief that she was so disgusted in his scars that she couldn’t stand to be near him. She had even started to being nicer to Cassian, her training with him going much better than yours with Azriels had.

Once the bond snapped with Feyre and Rhysand, she had taken a small step back from the both of them. When it snapped with Cassian and Nesta, she had backed away from Cass as well. She barely even had a witty retort anymore, choosing to stay quiet most of the time.

Azriel felt like no one else had noticed the change in her. However, he had to admit, so much change had happened in such a short time that he couldn’t blame them for not realizing.

Why did he realize?

Even as she created small friendships with the others, she ignored Azriel. She only looked at him to stare at his hands. He had taken to wearing his gloves around her at all times, but she just stared as if she could see through the fabric. He had spent decades trying to be nice to her, for nothing. She rarely spoke to him, mostly just gave that look to his hands.

She was always going to be cruel to him.

***

Azriel was trying desperately to find a Solecist gift for Elain. He knew he had a reputation for gifts, and he wanted to make sure what he got Elain was perfect. As perfect as she is.

And he had no idea what that would be.

He was wandering the paths of Velaris aimlessly, peering into the stores as he passed, trying to see anything that seemed like Elain. He was getting worried that he would never find anything, turning away from yet another shop.

He stopped when he saw her.

She was inside a little building, large windows open for anyone to see in. He watched as she stood at the front of the room, facing a small group of…children? He angled his body a little to see clearly into the room, listening to her voice come through the window. Her tone was kinder than he had ever heard it. Azriel watched with wide eyes as she demonstrated a defense move-a move he had taught her.

And now she was teaching it to children.

He watched for the rest of the class, amazed at how well the kids grasped onto the concepts she was teaching. He felt his heart skip when her laughter floated out the windows, a bright smile on her face as she looked at one of the students. He had never seen her like this before.

When the class ended he watched as one of the smaller children ran up to her and threw their arms around her legs. Azriel expected her to jump back at the touch, instead watching her bend down and wrap her arms around them. He couldn’t believe his eyes. He couldn’t believe any of this. He turned and headed back to the House, the gift for Elain long forgotten.

***

He wanted to approach her. He wanted to ask about the children he saw her teaching. He had a sudden desire to know more about her, to see who she may be under that cold exterior.

Azriel should have known she wouldn’t let him.

It was a few days after he had spotted her in town, and he had finally found her alone in the little library. He cleared his throat as he approached her, hoping to get her attention. Of course, she ignored him. He shouldn’t have been hurt by it, but he had been so hopeful after seeing her with the children.

Azriel called her name.

Her head slowly turned to him, eyes blazing. “Yes?” She asked coolly. Azriel have a small smile, refusing to lose his nerve now.

“I saw you, in town? With the children? I-“ He started, cut off by her suddenly standing.

“Spying on me, are you?” She asked, anger all over her face.

“No! No! I was shopping, for Elain, and I happened to walk by!” Azriel was gesturing wildly, not wanting you to think he was following you. “I saw you and then I saw the children and I was interested. You were, nice to them.” He cursed the words as they came out of his mouth, sounding just as sorry as one could imagine.

She scoffed. “Why would I not be? They’re kids.” Her words were sharp and Azriel felt embarrassment creep up his neck.

“Well, you’re not really nice to anyone.” He bit out, temper rising as she laughed.

“You don’t know anything about me.” She said, looking at him curiously.

“Oh? Is that so?” Azriel felt the words coming out before he could stop them, all the things he had wanted to say for years. “Maybe that’s because you don’t let anyone get close to you. I tried to be your friend in the beginning, just for you to be cold and nasty. You are always cold and nasty. I’ve noticed you slowly losing the friends you have made, slinking off into the shadows. Do you ever stop to think that maybe it’s because you’re a cold-hearted bitch?”

She looked like he had slapped her.

“W-what?” She stumbled out, eyes wide.

Now it was Azriels turn to scoff. “Don’t pretend to be innocent now. You rarely speak to anyone except for Rhys, and when you do it’s usually to tell them to leave you alone! Even when I was trying to train you, you lashed out at me for just trying to help. You have always acted like I disgust you, always glaring at my hands. Do they really upset you so much that you have to act like i’m the worst thing you’ve ever encountered? That you have to look at me like that and flinch when I touch you? I tried to be nice to you, just for you to react like that.” He was breathing heavy, all the hurt coming to the surface.

He watched her eyes flash and then suddenly, she was yelling at him. “How dare you? You have no idea what you are talking about. Are you so self centered that you truly believe everything I do is about you? Do you ever stop for one second to think that maybe, just maybe, I have my own shit to deal with?” Her cheeks were colored red, her hands clenching into fists.

Azriel rolled his eyes. “We all have our own shit going on. It doesn’t mean we take all of our miserable feelings out on everyone else!”

“I don’t! I just don’t have any interest in getting close with you. Not everyone has to want to lick the ground you walk on, Shadowsinger.” She spat out the last word like it was dirt in her mouth.

“Why not? What have I ever done that makes you hate me so? What has any of us done? The only one of us you would talk to for years was Rhysand. Did you love him? Are you bitter now that he has a mate and no one will ever be interested in you?” Azriel knew that was a low blow, but his anger overrode him common sense.

“What are you talking about? The relationship between me and Rhysand is none of your business. For a spymaster, you’re truly horrible at reading a situation.” She was angry, angrier than she had been in decades.

Azriel didn’t care. “No one here likes you. They’ve all moved on from their short friendships with you. Even your precious Rhys has found someone else to occupy his time with. Why do you stay here? You have no one.” He felt the pain in his chest at the expression on her face.

She blinked quickly, fighting tears. “You are the cruel one, Azriel.” She turned and ran from the room, leaving him in the aftermath of their fight.

It was the first time she had said his name.

He felt it snap in his chest, the tug to follow you. He could barely react, the shock of it keeping him rooted to the spot. No, he thought. No. Not her. It wasn’t supposed to be her.

The mating bond didn’t care for his concerns.

***

Please let me know how you feel!! Honestly Pt. 2 should be out tonight or tomorrow, i’m pretty far into it. I’m thinking this will be a 3-4 part mini series!!!

[sugrhigh]

BOY NEXT DOOR 9 - ( c.s )

part eight

summary- you and your roommates live beside a bunch of senior hockey players, one of them being the infamous team captain chris sturniolo. he’s effortlessly flirty and undeniably attractive, but he’s also a pain in your ass. you find that you have to fight between lust and hatred as you finally get to know the boy next door, whether you want to or not.

warnings- angst, swearing, i think that’s it

a/n: i’m back my little goblins let’s get it!!!! part ten of this series will be the final part, and then i plan on writing an ‘epilogue’ type chapter to wrap it all up. i’m hoping to have them up as quickly as possible, but ive been absolutely slammed so im sorry if it takes me a minute. i love u always and i’ve missed being on here so i hope you enjoy <3

(if you asked to be tagged in the last part and weren’t tagged it’s bcs it wouldn’t let me!! i’m so sorry i tried my hardest)

to be let down, you have to expect something from someone. it’s a mistake you’ve made far too frequently in your years on earth, especially in college, but this time around the grief is debilitating.

you spend the rest of your weekend locked inside your room, attempting to sleep away the heartbreak. somehow dreaming almost makes it worse; for a second you’re able to forget about being completely humiliated, until you wake up in reality once more.

it doesn’t help that chris has been absolutely blowing up your phone since the moment you left. every call and text goes unanswered. it’s impossible to read them, so most of the time you don’t.

hell, you can’t even open your curtains because you’re too scared that he’ll be looking back at you when you do. so you block out the sunlight, ensuring that your room matches your dreary feelings.

you figure he’ll give up on trying to talk to you eventually. you’re not different. he’s not different. and once chris regains that pride of his, he’ll go right back to fucking some other girl he won’t care about half as much.

thoughts like those make you cry even harder, as much as you hate it. but you know the disinterest will wash over him sooner or later, and you resent that inevitable day.

cassidy and ramona check on you pretty much every other hour. it makes you feel even worse that they’re so concerned, but neither of them have ever seen you like this. at least not since freshman year, when you dated an upperclassman for a couple months just for him to dump you over text.

even that heartache was relatively short-lived. but this pain follows you into the week, trailing behind you like a shadow you can’t get rid of. it sits beside you in class, curls up next to you in bed, weighs your shoulders down whenever you walk.

it feels like you’re struggling to stay afloat, to even act like a real human anymore. chris consumes your brain, and so do the ‘what if’s’ of your situation. it makes the week drag on, even though you try to spend most of it asleep.

to make matters worse, his multiple notifications continue with a routine consistency, almost like clockwork. you figured he’d already be over it, but he clearly doesn’t want to make himself easy to forget.

you have to admit that you’re glad his persistence lasted at least this long, even if it’s for selfish reasons. you’re disgusted that the attention satisfies you, but it’s not an unwelcome change considering all you’ve been feeling lately is queasy.

still, you don’t read them, or pick up when he calls. you can’t hear his voice, because you know it’ll absolutely break you.

and then finally, on friday, you see him in the flesh. you’re walking home from your bus stop after the only lecture you managed to get to that day, and there he is, getting out of his car.

your throat seizes up; there’s no way to avoid this. it’s easy to ice someone out over text, but it’s a hell of a lot harder when he’s your neighbor.

before you can snap your head away he’s turning to look in your direction, eyes equally as wide as yours once the recognition washes over him. he looks like shit, and yet he’s still so goddamn beautiful it makes you physically sick.

for a brief moment, everything stops. you just stare at each other.

chris takes in you in, the way you look noticeably drained. he feels that familiar nauseous pang in his stomach flare up, knowing that he stole the spark from your eyes.

the worst part is that you’ll never look at him with that fire again. there’s nothing he can do to bring it back now, no way to reverse the past.

then—before he can decide what to do in the present—you break the spell, cutting through your other neighbor’s lawn to get to your front porch. everything in him wants to run after you, so much so that he has to physically restrain himself.

you hear him calling after you, and something about him shouting your name stirs the tears awake once more. but you make it through the door before they fall, because you can’t show any more vulnerability than you already have.

getting inside doesn’t mean that you make it up the stairs, though. the physical and emotional exhaustion catches up to you, and you collapse around halfway through your blurry climb to your room.

your elbows dig into your kneecaps, hands holding your head while you sob. it seems impossible to catch your breath, or calm down in the slightest, and your cries only grow louder.

normally you’d be careful about the noise, but there’s no one to hide from right now. nobody is home. it’s just you and your thoughts, which, as always, are full of him.

you may be able to push him out of your life, but you have a feeling he’ll be lingering in the corners of your mind forever.

the post-game locker room mood is completely miserable tonight. after that last minute loss and the thirty minute bitch-session they just endured from their coach, it honestly should be.

chris barely even has his skates off before his teammates are all over him, which he expected but still dreaded.

his head’s not in it, and everybody knows.

“what the fuck is wrong with you, man? it’s like you’re not even awake out there.” one of the team’s leading defensemen, luke, yanks him up by his jersey roughly.

for a second he pauses, setting his jaw and puffing his chest out slightly. the accusation, though it’s not completely untrue, pisses him off.

so much so that chris retaliates by shoving him back to his rightful place a foot away. “get the hell off of me, man.”

luke looks like he’s ready to jump into action again, but connor steps in between before anything else can happen. he’s also very visibly angry, a side that doesn’t come out often.

and just because he stopped a physical fight from breaking out doesn’t mean he’s going to stay silent. “he’s right. you’re playing like shit, and we‘re way too far into the season to be blowing it now, especially with selection show right around the corner.”

chris can feel his blood is boiling at this point, knowing that even his roommate is going to support this kind of disrespect towards his own captain. the rest of the team is watching silently, but he can’t find it anywhere in himself to care.

the words have already bubbled up, and he won’t hold them back anymore.

“oh come on, it’s not like anyone else was stepping up! dylan turned the puck over every other play, ben was offside during that odd man rush, and don’t even get me started on you and the high sticking penalty that just lost us that fucking game.” he shoves his pointer finger against connor’s chest for emphasis, trying to make sure his criticism stings as much as possible.

but his friend is quick to swat his hand away, shaking his head once sharply.

“no, you don’t get to turn it on everyone else. you lost it for us during that sorry excuse of a penalty kill. you let that little UMass shit go right by you, which is why he had a wide open shot to score the game winner. you’ve been making dumb mistakes like that for two weeks now, and we all know why.”

that implication is enough to send chris over the edge, because nobody has the right to mention what happened between you and him. knowing about the situation doesn’t mean they should get to speak on it.

he can feel his fingernails digging into his palms, both hands balled into tight fists at his side. the anger coursing through his body makes him shake ever so slightly, almost like he’s humming.

“keep going and i’ll bust your fucking face in.” chris says, voice eerily calm despite the fact that his body is screaming.

but connor doesn’t back down; he stands tall with an unwavering gaze that’s more serious than ever before. “you gotta grow a pair and start being our captain again. you fucked up, and losing someone you’re actually into because of that sucks. most of us have been there. but trying to throw everyone under the bus is bullshit when you’re the one that needs to get it together.”

nothing about his words are intentionally meant to hurt, and chris knows that, but for some reason they do. probably because he doesn’t want to hear the truth, or start coming to terms with the fact that he actually did lose you.

he really doesn’t ever want to accept it.

but his ego won’t let him say that. instead, chris shifts his gaze to observe the rest of the room, at all of his teammates, before focusing on connor once again.

“if you don’t think that i’m your captain anymore then find a new one.” he spits.

the room somehow gets even more quiet; everyone is stunned by the out-of-character reaction. for the most part, chris really is a good leader. they all voted for him to represent the team when it came time, and the group dynamic has been great since then.

but he doesn’t feel like that guy now. he’s not sure who he is anymore. so he throws the rest of his equipment into his bag and yanks it over his shoulder.

“really, chris?” it’s ben this time, who’s clearly dumbfounded by the theatrics.

he doesn’t respond, and he tries not to hesitate too much as he makes his way out of the locker room. everyone lets him pass, which makes it even harder to leave.

it feels so wrong, but his feet keep pushing him forward regardless.

when chris finally makes it home twenty minutes later, the frustration has only festered. he doesn’t like anything he’s doing, and yet it’s spiraling out of his control. by the time he gets to his room, tears of aggravation have made their way down his face.

he wipes them away harshly as he stares out his window at your room, which is still closed off by your curtains. it���s like his heart seizes up just from being this close to you, knowing that you’re in there yet he can’t reach you.

and maybe that’s the problem. chris loves hockey, but at the end of the day he clearly loves you more. and with things the way that they are, his heart is fully wrapped up in you, not the game.

it’s terrifying, and it’s painful. he never thought that there’d be anyone to test his bachelor lifestyle until you came around, and he can’t just go back to normal because he doesn’t know how.

he’s been permanently changed, and it feels like a huge part of his new life is suddenly missing.

you saw the deepest parts of him, parts that he didn’t even know existed, and he saw the same side of you. you challenged him in ways he’d never experienced, and he loved that he always felt like he was evolving when you were together.

now he just feels stagnant, unsure of himself.

the only thing he’s sure of is that he needs you, whether that makes him inconsiderate or not. he can’t keep sleepwalking through life, but he’s not sure what else there is to do.

simply put, he misses you like hell. so he lays back in bed and closes his eyes, trying to remember what it felt like to have you right beside him.

@fawnchives @l9vesick @55sturn @luverboychris @teapartyprincess4two @pinksturniolo @mattinside @stonermattsgf @impureals @chrisactualwife @fikefries @riasturns @mattybsbitch @mattsmunch @sturnifyed @julessspoetry @beijhe @gnxosblog @braindead4l @orangeypepsi @ponyosturniolo @cupidsword @rainydayenthusiast @sturnvvz @wurlibydominicfike @poopydroopt @bernardsleftbootycheek @trilliwarner @rubyjanexxx @reallykaz @neatcarrot767 @kirby0strombolli @bunnysturns @junnniiieee07 @hrt-attack @sturnssmuts @stunza @beccaluvschris @asturniolos @slutz4sturniolos @mattslolita @alorsxsturn @sturnrc @chrissystur @kellsbells-18 @realqueenofpepsi @snowysosturn @secretfangirly @scarlettbitches @satvisfavetoodles

[billsbabydoll]

“𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝓃ℴ𝓉 𝒶𝓁ℴ𝓃ℯ 𝒷𝒶𝒷𝓎.”

contains:ANGST+FLUFF<\3

summary:tom has been on tour and working constantly to promote the bands new album “scream”, though im proud and happy about the bands amazing success, i cant help but feel neglected and alone.coming home to find me at my lowest tom reminds me, im not alone.

WARNINGS:struggles with mental health, depression, crying, kinda cringe fluff.

notes:i enjoyed writing this a lot, hopefully if any of you who are currently struggling with your own mental health issues, that this story helps put a smile across your face:))).

it’s been almost 4 months since toms been on tour, god knows where across the country he could be i miss him so much, when we do talk on the phone its not even a minute before he has to go or he has to call me back later.

ive been trapped in our apartment just rotting away in bed, hardly even getting up to eat or even get a glass of water.i cry myself to sleep every night, hoping to just feel his arms around me once again soothing and kissing me to sleep.

call me sensitive and dramatic all you want but truly how was i supposed to feel about going from, almost spending every single second of the day with somebody for the last year to now, not even having a 5 minute conversation?

im lucky if i even get a 10 sentence conversation or even an “i love you.” out of him recently, i know hes just doing his job and that i should be happy for him that’s hes out doing what hes been dreaming of but i cant help but feel so forgotten.

today was finally the day he was coming back home from his 5 month long tour, im so distorted and consumed in my pain to even remember that he was getting home any second now.

*TOMS POV*

finally home how i missed my schatzi (sweetheart) i barely made it 5 months without feeling her near and her skin against mine, i was itching to get home just to take in her warmth and feel her delicate kisses.

i make my way inside our shared apartment, setting my luggage down before shutting the door quietly behind me.i look up confusedly taking in the sight of the home, it was dark completely empty like no one even lived here.

i slowly walk around the place seeing the spoiled food in the fridge, the stack of unopened mail on the counter, and dirty clothes scattered on the ground.“what happened?”i thought to myself, i couldnt even imagine the state she would be in when i find her.

*BACK TO ORIGINAL POV*

i wake up to the feeling of someone tapping my shoulder, i slowly open my drowsy eyes meeting his severely worried ones.“am i dreaming, is this real, am i hallucinating again?” all these questions filled my mind but were quickly washed away when he began to speak.

“babyy oh my god..”he gasped taking in my terrible state.

i immediately began to cry, embarrassed that he has to come home and find me like this.my hair dry and brittle, my eyes bloodshot red, my body severely underweight.

he quickly sat me up pulling me into a comforting embrace, squeezing me tightly in the arms i so desperately missed.i breathed in the warmth of his cologne, as my tears created a wet stop on the shoulder of his hoodie.

“i-im sorry tom.”i mumbled in between my cries.

“you don’t have to apologize my love, what happened?”he whispered as he swayed and rocked me slowly in arms, petting my hair gently.

“i..i don’t even know ive just been f-feeling so alone a-and abandoned i feel like i can’t even breathe without you.. here.”i explained my tears still falling down like a waterfall down my cheeks.

he hummed as he pulled away from the hug, meeting my eyes again truly saddened as he listened attentively to me continuing to explain what ive been experiencing.

“meine liebe (my love)..”he said in a soft tone, a smile beginning to emerge from his lips.

“you know im always gonna be here no matter what, always remember that no matter where am im always gonna love and care for you, i love you too damn much to forget about you.”

“your not alone baby.”he explained in the most reassuring and genuine manner, meaning every single word he uttered in that sentence, his fingers softly caressing the skin on my thighs.

“you mean it?”i answered a gentle chuckle leaving my hoarse voice, the sadness beginning to lift away from me.

“of course i meant it schatzi (honey), i love you.”

“i love you too.”

he grins widely as he hears those words leave my lips, pulling me in again into a loving hug kissing the top of my head and forehead.

“lets get you cleaned up okay?”he said gently.

he picked me up bridal style from the bed carrying me into the bathroom, beginning to prepare me a bath.helping me get undressed, helping me also shampoo and condition my hair, wash my body, then lastly helping me get dressed again.

he assisted me brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, and washing my face, he was truly an angel the whole time.giving me sweet kisses and compliments during this, reminding how gorgeous and perfect i was to him.

even though i didnt particularly feel gorgeous and perfect, it felt good to know i wasnt alone.

THE END

[wiltkingart]

Do you have any advice on how 2 not overwork a drawing? Over-detailing my art (to the detriment of the final result) is a big weakness of mine, and ive been working on it lately, but simplifying my art is way harder than I thought itd be. I keep getting stuck in a mentality that less detail = less effort, even though all my struggling should prove that isnt true lol. & I almost always like my simpler drawings better, even though that makes me feel kinda lazy…as long as it’s fun tho, right? [1/2]

I’m asking here bc one of the things I adore about your work is how confident and striking your paintings feel. I really admire the way colors and shape language interact in your art…I always want to keep looking to see what I can find hidden in the details, but they don’t take away from the main focus of the image. How do you manage to strike that balance? [2/2] (sorry for the long question lol)

honestly this is still something i struggle with at times! but some things that have helped me are:

- identifying which parts i tend to overwork the most. for me thats faces so i have made it a conscious habit to render faces last. that way i can match my level of face rendering to the rest of the piece.

- working on all parts of the painting at once. some artists are able to work on a painting from section to section. this is not me, regardless of detail level. jumping around all over the place keeps me from focusing too hard on one section above others. i even take this one step further by working on 2+ paintings simultaneously but there is something wrong with me for this one i'll admit.

- staying zoomed out for as long i can. this goes in hand with the previous point but when you're zoomed out its easier to lay down the biggest/primary color blocks without the temptation to detail. once the main color blocks are nicely balanced its easier to pick out a few points of interest to add spots of detail to, and restrain myself to them. (easier said than done! but i try!)

- getting comfortable with backtracking / deleting overworked sections and layers. this might seem scary but this has saved my ass more times than you might think. i always save a version of my drawings before i merge everything / start rending so i can always copy over earlier sections if needed.

- cold turkey removing details from the equation for a while. i did this more from necessity than choice, because i was struggling with my health a few years back and had zero energy to sink into art for long hours. but looking on the bright side it helped me realize what details are/aren't necessary and how to build my features from big -> small. this progression of my patho art shows pretty well how i introduced details back into my work over time.

but yeah! sometimes i do still find myself creeping a little too close to overwork territory for comfort, even with all these safeguards in place. in that case i have to accept that not every piece i put out will be my 'best' and that perfection has no place in art. that's not the point of it!

simplifying forms isn't easy, the same way abstract art isn't lazy. but with all things it can be learned with enough practice. and if you decide at the end of it all that you still like drawing a lot details, it might be a matter of readjusting how / where you implement them. best of luck <3

[silentmajesticfox]

Bellyache

Chapter I: coming home

A/N: its been so long since ive wrote something, and in my drunk brain i felt i could start a series. if its ass, please let me know. i will always take the criticism and also- i just needed to push myself and think maybe its worth it., Gojo is always worth it. i hope whoever reads this enjoys, and t6hank you. <3

Y/N was finally back in Tokyo, coming all the way from Europe, as she had went on a vacation in a sense, it was mainly to learn more techniques around the world and to clear her mind, finally doing some things she dreamed of, she never thought this day would come where she would allow herself to be back here. A lot of people were crowded, conversations buzzing, and car horns going off in the sunset as she crossed the street to go to the bar and food place she had liked going with Shoko for years. She was quite nervous to see her best-friend, though they had kept in close contact.

 It has been about a year since Suguru Geto died, and a little less than a year since she saw that white haired, he-who-shall-not-be-named, asshole. It was like loosing a best friend, and a lover all in one consecutive week.. y/n and Satoru had had an on and off relationship for the past 11 years, from puppy love all the way to a more serious relationship at certain points, even marriage and children had been considered. But what honestly made her leave, was there last interaction and most recent break-up..

*flashback, one year ago*

                Satoru and y/n were sitting on the stairs outside of the school, they had been sitting in silence for about ten minutes, staring off into the trees and the sky, and avoiding looking at eachother. She clears her throat, knowing it is out of character for Satoru not to say anything for even five minutes, his whole demeanor had changed and he was deep in thought, she felt like she wasn’t even there.

His blue eyes dart over to her, he didn’t need the six eyes to see she was struggling and having internal conflict with herself. However, with everything that had transpired, he really didn’t care anymore, having lost the only best friend he ever had, it was like a chunk of his life essence was stripped from him all over again. “Hm…?” Was all he could muster up, still staring at her. Y/n kind of looked shocked as her eyes met his beautiful blue ones, she mustered up a fake smile that lightly graced her lips, before pondering what to say to him.

“You know... you can talk to me, right?... I know he was your best friend, but it’s been years, Toru’… He chose that path…” Y/n treated lightly, not even doing small talk and just getting what was in her mind off. He scoffed in response, his white brows crinkling as he shook his head, looking away as he felt anger bottling up and threatening to explode any second. “Stop acting like you know everything, y/n. It doesn’t concern you, especially because you weren’t close to him like I was... So, stop prying and acting like you care, because I know you fucking don’t.” The venomous words leaving his mouth, he knew it wasn’t her fault, but he was just so angry. At Suguru, at himself.

Y/n was taken aback, she stared at him, something about the way she was watching him slowly loose himself all over again would make her tear up on spot. She had to stand her ground at least, knowing how stubborn he could be. “I’m not saying that, Satoru… I’m just saying I don’t want a repeat of what happened years ago.. and that you have me to talk to or vent to, its okay to be upset.. You don’t have to take it out on me-“ With that his eyes roll, pushing up his glasses and almost instantly coming back at her. “Repeat what happened years ago? Like it was a chore for you? Are you serious? Like it was you going through that? How about you just leave me alone, you’re honestly just making it worse and I’m done entertaining this conversation..” His words were dark.

“If that’s how you fucking feel, Gojo. I’m not going to sit here and be a verbal punching bag you you while I’m trying to fucking help-. You know I didn’t mean it like that, so get your head out of your ass.” She spit back, adjusting herself and standing up and crossing her arms, a stern look with watery eyes threatened to spill. Much to his dismay, he kept going, saying the words that would end them forever. “You honestly have ruined my life in every way possible, I wish it was you instead of Suguru that left back then, I wish it was you who I had to kill and not him… So do me a favor and fucking leave for good.” And that was final. Tears started streaming as she reached out to smack him, much to her dismay due to his limitless being active almost 24/7. His ocean orbs stared up at her, almost in shock, as she spoke one last time to him. “Fine, wish you would have told me sooner, so I didn’t waste years on you… Have fun with your dead best friend, Gojo. Never speak to me again.” And with that, her heels turned as she stormed off to her dorm. He sat there in silence, even the birds stopped chirping. He then realized that was the worst decision of his life.

*end flashback*

Y/n opened the door to the bar, and the bell jingled. Her weary eyes searched around, until they finally met Brown ones she was desperately searching for. Excitement and Nervousness spread through her, emitting something like a squeal as she practically ran to her best friend, who was standing up from her seat, before crashing into her and almost making both of them fall. “Y/n calm down… We’re too old for this shit..” Shoko said as y/n hugged her so tight, she could barely choke out those words. After almost a full minute, y/n let go giggling to herself and sitting down. “I really can’t help myself, I mean look at you, you’re hair is so long, Shoko!!” Shoko smiled before flipping her hair, a waiter on his way looking at y/n before greeting her. “Long time so see, Y/n!!! Glad to have you back, do you want the usual for both of you?” He asked and she nodded excitingly. “Can you actually make that a double shot for me?” He nods before walking off and Shoko eying y/n.

“A double? y/n its barely 6?” She judged, before they both started laughing. “Never leave me for that long again or I swear I will kill you myself.” Shoko stated, lighting a cigarette and handing one to y/n and lighting both of theres with her lighter.

[schizosupport]

this is going to be very long and rambly, i apologize. you can answer any, all, or no parts of it, i guess i just really need to blurt it all out to *someone*

for the past 3 or 4 years, ive been having mild (?) transient stress related psychotic symptoms. i suspect i have a cluster b pd which could possibly cover that

at first it was mostly paranoia i think ? usually the standard "theyre out to get me" type thoughts, both with people i knew and nebulous entities i couldnt define. it doesnt happen too frequently, but it seems to have gotten worse with time. this past fall / winter was especially bad bc i was already doing poorly mental health wise and was very isolated. a lot of the thoughts are still paranoia based, but some lean more towards delusions now (e.g. being afraid of the music i left to play from my phone speakers bc i felt it was hunting me down) as well as some that are fully bizarre (e.g. believing that ive been an angel stuck inside a human body my whole life, thinking theres a force field around my apartment thats keeping me stuck inside). for a while there was also this... pervasive sense of unreality almost ? like i would get frustrated that things werent operating on dream logic, or have difficulty differentiating dreams and reality in general. for the past couple months since then, ive had pretty much no issues

i always retain Some grasp on reality, whether its full on double booking or a vague sense of "something is wrong with me right now", which is enough for me to hide away from people and try to calm myself down and ground myself back to reality (... can you even do that with "real" delusions ? talk yourself out of them ?). the symptoms only last a few hours "at their peak", though the unsteady / unreality feeling may stick around for days or weeks surrounding that. im still able to be mostly functional for that part though. as such, nobody knows about any of this.

i just. i dont know. i dont have a therapist (i need one). im too afraid telling my friends will change their views on me irreparably even though they too struggle with (other) deeply stigmatized mental health issues. ive spent a lot of my childhood being called insane and incapable and i dont want it to happen again after ive finally found people that respect me. im worried ill have a full on psychotic break at some point (what the hell counts as "a break" ? can i call what ive been through "episodes" ?), or lose my ability to double book, or display symptoms in front of people i know. i just dont know what to do so im. spilling it out all here. so someone at all besides me knows

-- elias

Hey there,

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

It definitely sounds to me like you are experiencing some level of psychotic symtoms, and it sounds like it's causing you significant distress. You asked whether you can "talk yourself out of" a "real delusion" - and well, not as such, until the delusion passes, but they can be more or less long-lived and come with more or less insight.

The types of episode that only last a couple hours at full intensity are sometimes referred to as micropsychoses. When people talk about "a psychotic episode" it usually refers to a prolonged loss of reality that may last days, weeks or even months. But plenty of people on the schizo- and psychosis spectrum don't experience full-blown psychotic episodes. That doesn't make their psychosis un-serious, and it also isn't a given that these people will go on to develop worse psychotic symptoms.

I think one of the reasons the diagnosis of schizotypal exists, is because we needed to acknowledge that not every person's endpoint on the schizo-spectrum is schizophrenia, but that doesn't mean that their experience doesn't come with distress or disability.

I think you could try to do a vibe check with your friends to see how they react to the concept of psychosis and psychotic disorders. If they seem cool, then you could try to bring up your own experiences. It might be nice to be able to talk about those things, and get to experience that it doesn't have to be the end of the world, and not everyone will judge you for it.

I hope you all the best, anon!!

[fanficfanatic000]

Edward fucking munson pt 3

Eddie Munson x fem reader

Enemies to lovers

18+

"Well its steves party but he said i can invite anyone." You nodded in agreement And after your shift ended you drove him to the party at Harrington's. You and Steve never really talked you went to kindergarten and middle school but never really talked. You walk into steves backyard he has a pool and a balcony bad combination. The party was packed. Then in came him Edward fucking munson and he definitely saw you he walked towards you "hey " your face was turning red "fuck off munson" you said harshly "You know what WHATS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM" you tried to walk past him but he grabbed you by the arms gently but tough "let go " "no cant you just tell me whats wrong" you tried to escape his grasp but as you were struggling he let go and you fell back into the pool eyeliner bleeding down your face your t shirt sticking to your chest and your hair completely soaked you get above water and everyone saw you again. "Woah you couldnt hold your balance slut!!" A blonde boy yelled from the crowd your white t shirt revealing your black bra. "What a freak!!"And it was minutes later almost everyone started laughing. Your eyes beginning to well up in tears. Eddie standing there shocked he looks angry after he heard there comments until he started to stumble fake like and he threw himself into the water with you he git above the water and everyone started laughing at him too he grabbed you up in his arms And got out of that pool his adrenaline strength kicked in he rushed you up stairs to the luxurious bathroom and locked the door behind him "fuck sweetheart i-im sorry...." you were still angry but also upset from ridicule "now your sorry" you fell to the floor eddie had already put you down "eddie my freshman year you were my friend then you started acting weird calling me names and laughing at me then you left me!!! Acting like we weren't friends when i nee-eded you the most"He looks down at you and he slid down the wall across from you "y/n im so sorry i was dumb still am... i started teasing you because i had a crush on you i didnt mean for it to catch on then I was embarrassed then you disappeared.....you disappeared and ive been missing you for so long m, sorry i really am" he looks at you softly his face Turning pink "look just dont ever do that again and we will be fine munson"He smiles his face lights up and he grabbed you into him. You wrapped your arm around the back of his neck he leaned back with you in his arms and now you're on his lap his face red and you feel somthing hard underneath you "S-Sorry !" he lets go and you're getting a view of him his tattoo visible from his wet hellfire t shirt his hair wet but drying faster than the rest of him. His brown sugar eyes wanting over your body...especially your see through shirt "eddie i-i have a crush on you too"He gulps "have dont you mean had?"You leaned in and whispered in his ear "no i meant have.. " then he kissed you his hands grabbed your hands roughly "My princess y/n ". The end

[bonetrousledbones]

question can you infodump about your Little Guys (atbb) to me because ive been following for like a year and i still dont totally understand them past papyrus au. they are really cool tho

oh my god ok so. first off atbb is the acronym for my ask blog @ask-the-bone-boys that's been on hiatus for a little over a year now. it was born in 2018 out of the annoyance of everything au-centered being sans and also a way to explore how the classic "aus get stuck in the original universe" fic trope would go if it was somebody from the "original" story leaving their universe instead. and also an excuse to make papyrus miserable to be fully honest

also also im going to preface this by saying i ship selfcest and there is some selfcest in this story ok if anybody has issue with that then uh. oopsies (i can explain the way i view it at another time if anybody;s interested but im already gonna ramble like hell here so not rn)

with that groundwork laid im gonna put this under a cut lmao dont click this

for the sake of organization- part 1: RUSS

STARTING AT THE BEGINNING so some very basic backstory for this Undertale Papyrus specifically is that he and his brother are twins, they grew up bouncing around several foster homes until they decided to run away to live in the woods on their 14th birthday, where they lived in a bigass tent for three years until Papyrus got badly injured and they had to get help from the townspeople, who uh kinda unofficially adopted them and thats how "they just showed up one day"

then more time passed and around 3 years after getting to the surface Papyrus was booted out of his universe by Mysterious Circumstances. he got a very bad introduction to the multiverse because the place he landed was my own version of horrortale, undermunch. there he meets Spooks!

i have a whole side-fic where you can read in better detail how this goes but basically monsters don't turn to dust in this world and also Spooks is a cannibal, which Papyrus doesn't know until he realizes he was fed spaghetti made out of a rabbit monster. IN addition to that, Spooks has very different magic from other aus, that being it's pretty much all concentrated into a kind of blue-magic-venom that comes out of his teeth like a snake.

Long story short Papyrus has to escape from Spooks somehow, and that's how he learns he's able to move through universes by himself. It still takes him a while to learn how to without being in a life-or-death situation, but that's ok because almost every other universe he goes to after that puts him into a life-or-death situation :>

and then FINALLY he gets spat out into a variation of Underswap, where he meets Honey. this one's a bit spoilery because i haven't finished writing this fic yet BUT its ok because this will be so so so disorganized. anyway so Papyrus is scared of Honey at first because he's been getting completely fucking obliterated by the multiverse (his leg is broken and he's wearing a chest plate he stole from a different papyrus who died in front of him) but Honey is relatively patient with him and lets him stay on his couch on the surface. This is where Papyrus gets the nickname Russ!

Russ is dealing with a broken leg when he shows up in this universe, so he stays with Honey for a little over three months while he recovers from that as well as (some of) the multiverse traumas he'd been collecting up to that point. The main things that he still can't shake are nightmares, trust/attachment issues, and EXTREME food paranoia. he refuses to eat anything he hasn't prepared himself, and even that can be a struggle. Also, because of how long he spent without getting it properly treated, his leg never fully heals.

He starts getting really really homesick the longer he stays in this universe. It builds up over his whole stay, but only starts to get Very Bad after he gets the cast off of his leg. Honey's home is extremely similar to his own home, and sometimes just seeing him and his brother interacting with each other makes Russ upset.

OH I FORGOT TO TALK ABOUT THE CODEPENDENCY ok so at some point Russ just starts completely clinging to Honey and Honey doesn't know what to do about it so he just kinda. unintentionally feeds into it and this turns into Russ sleeping in Honey's bed and blah blah blah eventually this becomes a problem for Honey because he doesn't know how to address Russ's homesickness and clinginess without hurting him somehow even though Honey is extremely stressed and actively burning out

Then Russ overhears Honey venting to Undyne and feels. crushed. And he reacts incredibly rationally! By avoiding Honey as much as possible! But it does not take him long at all to break down and the two finally have a chat about boundaries. They work out a plan together that Honey thinks will genuinely help and Russ thinks will get himself off of Honey's back. The plan is that they'll figure out how to control Russ's world-hopping ability and get him back home.

The idea is that if he's able to control when and how he leaves, he can control where he goes. Then, when he inevitably lands in his home, he'll pop back in Underswap and tell Honey how it went. Because he can control it! Of course!

Honey gives him one of his hoodies and a photo camera to remember him by. Russ tries to figure out what it was in the past that might have helped him jump universes, which was the desire to be just about anywhere other than where he was at that moment. So, he just, thought about going home instead!

And it worked! And he left Honey's universe! And then he realized he didn't land at his home at all! And when he tried to go back to Honey's universe, he went somewhere entirely different as well! And he never saw Honey again! Wahoo!

This is the point where he just becomes a complete mess I'm not gonna lie to you, he starts drinking even though he really really REALLY hates alcohol, he only eats enough to stay conscious, he gets into fights just for the adrenaline rush, and only stays in one universe long enough to confirm it's not his home before either leaving for the next one or collapsing somewhere and hoping he doesn't get attacked while he sleeps for two hours

then he lands in Edge's universe and this needs a part two now OOPS

[gayinajar]

Iv spend a lot of the last months being miserable about my physical decline but goddamn my brain sucks too lmao

I love science, and maths. I spent a year dragging myself through higher level maths before I had to drop to ordinary because I just wasn't good enough. I did biology for fun in school. I always, always wished I could have done higher maths, physics, chemistry, higher irish, applied maths. I wish I could have had more options. But I spend my entire secondary school time with undiagnosed adhd, autism, dyslexia, and possibly other mental disabilities that I never got help for.

Along with mourning a life of normalcy in terms of my physical abilities, I mourn the years I spent struggling three times as hard to get half the result my peers could. I still do not think I am academically intelligent because I spent years struggling. Years putting in more effort and seeing less results than anyone around me.

There was a guy in a couple of my classes I payed too much attention to. He did all the "smart classes". Higher maths, applied maths, two sciences (I think physics and chemistry). In a lot of ways I found similarities between us. We both sat out of p.e., took every chance to avoid it, were always reading. He talked so little practically no one heard him speak more than once in two years, I only spoke to others when I needed to. I spent two years comparing myself to him because I felt like he was the smarter version of me. He felt to me like what I could have been, were I less disabled. Even now that I'm out of secondary school and going to college next year, I can't help but think about how he likely could choose almost any college, any course in the country. Meanwhile I had 3 options I could reasonably achieve to do the course I wanted.

I'm 18. I'm sick of mourning what I could have been. What I could have achieved. Why do I have to spend my life mourning.

[liverpool-enjoyer]

footballers as taylor swift songs

requested by my swiftie in Christ @yudgefudge!! thank you luv <3

leo: you're on your own, kid. ive been associating him w this song way before i knew that everyone else was doing the same lmao. it rlly does encompass his entire journey, from humble beginnings n jus being a little kid playing for fun (from sprinkler splashes/to fireplace ashes), to being the best in the world n all the struggles that come with it (i search the party.../just to learn that my dreams arent rare). the man gave his blood sweat n tears like hed be saved by a the "perfect kiss" which here is a metaphor for the wc obviously. n ohmygosh "everything you lose is a step you take"!!!! BRUH???!?!?! every line, from "i didnt chose this town (ie paris)/i dream of getting out/theres just one who could make me stay", to "the jokes werent funny, i took the money/my friends from home dont know what to say" are all SO leo coded.

ney: anti-hero. i ADORE him n theres a lot of people that like him. but theres also a lot of people who like not liking him. hes one of the best in the world, and as great as that is, he has, unjustifiably so, garnered a significant amount of haters (its me, hi, im the problem, its me/at tea time, everybody agrees). hes rlly endured a ton of it throughout the years, but keeps going (pierced through the heart/but never killed). after facing so much backlash, youd probly worry about the people that still support you and how much longer you can hold on to that (one day i'll watch as youre leaving/and life will lose all its meaning). also, hes a rich person. which makes the bridge pretty relatable for him but like in a funny way.

gavi: nothing new. this one is more based off my inner musings than actual like evidence. i have no idea whats going on this lil dudes head. but i know that IF i were in his position, i'd relate to this song a FUCK TON. its basically a song abt being in the spotlight, n being the shiny young thing that has peoples attention. but what happens when thats not true anymore? (Lord, what will become of me/once ive lost my novelty?) what happens in a few years when an even younger prodigy comes around n impresses everyone? (are we only biding time 'til i lose your attention?/and someone else lights up the room?/people love an ingénue). im not gonna write down the whole birdge but its basically abt the inevitably of meeting your replacement. the song basically asks: "will you still want me/when im nothing new?" he seems like a happy dude who probly doesnt think abt this stuff, but if i were a famous promising young soccer player, this stuff would definitely weigh on my mind.

muller: the story of us. Lord forgive my mullendowski heart. i tried to think of a song that would fit jus him n leave shipping out of it but,,, yeah it wasnt happening. in my mind theyre a package deal. anywho the song's about being around someone youre still in love with after youve broken up (now im standing alone in a crowded room/and we're not speaking and im dying to know/is it killing you like its killing me). ik theyre on good terms n all but in my mindbrain i imagine him them being in the same place for the first time since lewy left him bayern and poor thomas jus "nervously pulling at my clothes/and trying to look busy." and my gosh "but you held your pride like you shouldve held me"??? the AUDACITY. i can go off about this whole song tbh. oh n also even tho speak nows a country album this song is kinda,,, rock/punk-ish kinda??? which is to say, its very loud. much like a certain someone. fun fact i almost put seven for him bc of "before i learned civility/i used to scream ferociously/anytime i wanted" but i figured one line wasnt enough for me to put the whole song.

mbappe: evermore. this is a brooding song. a depression song. so i can definitely see this as a post 2022 world cup final song for him. it actually relates to a sports loss very well. (i used to listen to this song n think a oikawa from haikyuu,,, heh). if theres one thing abt mbappe its that hes dedicated. i can see him "replay(ing) my footsteps on each stepping stone/trying to find the one where i went wrong," yknow, jus thinking abt the final over n over. very "i rewind the tape but all it does is pause/on the very moment all was lost." but at the end of it all, hes young, hes talented, n has more world cups ahead of him. ie: "i had a feeling so peculiar/this pain wouldnt be for/evermore."

klopp: dear reader. this whole song is just advice. its taylor dishing out advice to her fans, most of whom are younger than her. kloppo loves his players, he wants to give them good advice that applies not only on the pitch, but off it as well. (dear reader/bend when you can, snap when you have to/dear reader/you dont have to answer, just cause they asked you) however its no secret that our lovely manager can be pretty hard on himself. so its possible that while he gives advice to those he loves, he feels like hes not worthy of giving it (you wouldnt take my word for it/if you knew who was talking).

again, everything stated is speculation, fueled entirely by my delusional lil mindbrain. as i dont know these ppl.

[the-kipsabian]

so heres the gist of it

im unemployed

that should be the end of it lmao. unfortunately its not

on top of that, i live in one of the cheapest single bedroom apartments in the entire city. and yet according to new rulings that started this spring, im paying 12 euros too much for rent to be considered for the full amount of financial help that i should be able to get to help pay for it, which delays my paperwork every single time i apply for this benefit (thats high key crucial for my survival as, again, im unemployed as fuck) and they keep insisting i need to look for a cheaper apartment (which is impossible, there literally isnt any in this whole city and if there is, they are so sought after at this point people nab them immediately so...) or i might lose most of those benefits in the future. so thats fun

but i cant move cause i cant afford a more expensive place cause 1. im still unemployed as fuck and 2. they wouldnt approve of my paperwork cause even higher rent would be against their rules and the cost limit they are enforcing so...

ive been trying to get a job for a well over a year and a half now. nobody is hiring even tho a lot of people are looking. it always comes down to either being in a location i cant get to (cause its too far and i dont have a car or the hours are so inconsistent i cant make it without a car, usually) or just not being good enough with my skillset or whatever the fuck. it always goes to someone else and its been like that for months now so.. yeah, im kinda stuck with that too

HOWEVER the city has decided to add another fucking wrench into my entire situation since remember, im 1. unemployed as fuck, 2. i dont own a car, or even have a license for that matter, to move around everywhere, and 3. the government is actively trying to get me to move into a cheaper apartment that simply does not exist in this city ffs or they might cut my benefits or at least delay all my payments with taking ages with the added paperwork cause of that :)

so now? they have completely destroyed the bus schedules to my part of the city. nothing moves in or out of here past half six on the evening on weekdays anymore. even worse, on weekends nothing goes past two in the afternoon. which is.. ridiculous. that means that if you work evening shifts, tough shit youre not getting home unless you bike or walk (which isnt exactly a valid option with winter coming soon and lasting for like 75% of the year lmao), youre not getting to morning shifts if they start at 7am cause nothing moves from here before that, god speed if you work on the weekends cause youre really not moving from here or to here almost at all since the schedules were already horrendous and now theyve cut at least three or four drives from that sssssooooooooo

basically what this means is that it cuts my possibilities for jobs i can apply and accept a RIDICULOUS amount. any normal retail job would ask you to be able to work both morning, day and evening shifts; i literally cant do two of those anymore which ofc limits my chances dramatically as someone they would consider hiring. work on weekends? yeah i was already on the fence for it since my saturdays are usually hangout days but i was willing to make sacrifices but knowing i wouldnt be able to work past half two? yeah again, limits my chances so much on being hired

which means. im already struggling to get a job. now with this new schedule they are limiting me so much more on what i can go for and what i can be hired for so i can actually cover any shifts on anything ever. which in turn means im not gonna have that money i need to pay for a bigger apartment. which means im not gonna be able to move. which means im stuck with these schedules. which means im limited in what jobs i can apply and get even considered to be hired for. which means....

you see the issue? you know why im fucking upset and mad and angry and sad and i actually had a screaming crying fit last night cause i cant fucking handle this shit and how inconsidered this whole fucking thing is to literally everyone?? the people who changed the bus scheduling said its cause of the lack of customers (which isnt even true and they compared summer numbers to winter numbers which fucking LMAO ofc people use the busses less during the summer when they can bike or scoot about so much easier. and most of them are not even in town anyways for their vacations so) but also its important to note that i live in the part of town where theres a lot of families and old people and the lack of cars and kids moving around here from school to back is actually very big and yet. YET

im just.. sorry. i needed to get this out. cause its utterly ridiculous and im now stuck in this fucking cycle and i dont know what to do. im gonna send an application for any potential open apartments to the firm i rent from right now since they cover the entire city and have basically the cheapest places here so that maybe i can get something offered to me if anything frees within the next year or so. apart from that i have no idea what to do. i have no desire or money to get a license, let alone a whole ass fucking car, i get anxiety just thinking about driving. im just stuck here, in this goddamn loop that just somehow got worse as i discovered this whole bus scheduling issue last night. and i really dont know how to break it with how these things are all affecting each other

i left the city some feedback about this and got my friends to do it too since we are all fucking mad about this but.. unless they get a noticeable amount of it, i doubt they'll be doing anything about it, or at least not very fast so. im just stuck and im fucked and im upset and im angry and i needed to get this out im sorry if you read this whole thing im just. im going to fucking explode

[rikebe]

hii if you're still accepting asks about the akihiro x bobby ship meme, could you explain in detail the trust/jealousy/etc scales? also is bobby canonically 5'4" bc 😳❤

I WISH BOBBY WAS THAT SHORT IN CANON </3 unfortunately that's just my hc bc i'm so much smarter and chaddier than all of marvel :/

BUT here's the scales!

bobby:

trust: i def see bobby as having a bit of a cynical streak, so i think he takes a while to warm up to trusting. he has a way of internalizing shit and overthinking and is very neurotic, and i think he can absolutely overthink himself into mistrusting his partner on a wrong day even if he knows he's being irrational :(

jealousy: pretty much the same thing, plus i think growing up as the baby-faced dweeby kid of the x-men doesn't really give you a huge amount of self-confidence. i think he can really struggle w seeing himself as like, hot enough or good enough and project that on other people through jealousy, especially if he has such an objectively sexy partner as akihiro. again i think this is something where he'd KNOW he's being unreasonable but he can't help feeling that way

horny: LISTEN. YES he dresses like the assistant manager of a gamestop. YES he's a boring account. but i know. when i look into that unassuming, boring little face of him i know he's a horndog. if he wasn't he wouldn't have fucking bothered with the little song and dance akihiro and him have, because let's be real, akihiro's a pretty big shithead to him consistently and still bobby's like teehee! let's waltz! teehee! oh no let me kiss that death seed away teehee! that's classic horny for villain behavior. you can't hide behind those cargo shorts, bobby drake. i know what you are.

clingy: to me he's a pretty big relationship guy and is really attached to his partner, which is great if you're on mutual terms but i think can come off as pretty clingy if the other guy's looking for something a little more casual lol. def the type to keep texting a few times after getting ghosted before he gets the hint. oops

akihiro:

trust: BIG HUGE MAJOR trust issues. this guy spent his entire adult life seeing interpersonal relationships as entirely transactional and only started getting into this "unconditional love and trust" shit like five years ago. it's a learning curve. he's the guy in a sitcom who thinks their partner is cheating and starts stalking them

jealousy: see trust. same thing. if some guy is talking to bobby at a bar akihiro WILL stand menacingly close by and then be really annoying about mentioning that thats his BOYFRIEND and they're DATING. the guy asked bobby for the time

horny: controversial BUT: i don't think akihiro is very horny. he's been shown since his first appearance to be very liberal about sex, but in almost all instances these interactions are about control and power. akihiro uses his inherent appeal and other people's attraction to him to get what he wants in his never-ending ploy for power and evil-doing. to him, sex is transactional, it's just something he does just like he lies and pretends to be something he's not. ive seen some interpretations of him as asexual, which i think is really interesting and cool and a great take! i don't know where exactly on that spectrum i see him, i think he does enjoy sex but it would be a really different thing for him to sleep with someone he actually cares about, to the point where i could see it causing whiplash when he's being shy about it all of a sudden :')

clingy: i put him pretty high on the "needs attention" scale which i explained in another post, but i don't really see him being all that clingy. i think i might have coloured it in a little high here even since i think it's a hard thing to define, but basically i think that IN a relationship he would be a little clingy and want to be around his partner a lot, once he gets to a point where he can comfortably express those feelings, but he would never run after someone or try to cling to a partner that's dumped him. he thinks too highly of himself to debase himself by showing that he cares about another human being. this is about SAVING FACE, damn it

[diamond-rings-and-gutter-bones]

you post a lot about F1 yet somehow i have not managed to learn ANYTHING about it

(this is me awkwardly asking you how the car sport works and who all these guys are and why they seem like characters and also if the industry is as misogynistic as my classmate who wants to do F1 says it is)

rolls up my sleeves and cracks my knuckles. hell yes (warning: personal opinions incoming)

basically, the car sport is 20 fast cars going at breakneck speeds around a variety of tracks all round the world. somehow this comes along with the most drama ive seen in any sport (altho tbf ive never been this deep into any other sports before). there are 10 teams, each one with 2 drivers. your teammate is both your ally and your biggest enemy; you both are opposite sides of the same coin. there is nothing worse than being beaten by your teammate according to jenson button.

each *driver* is competing to win the world drivers championship (wdc), won by the driver who accumulates the most points throughout the season. but each *team* is competing to win the world constructors championship (wcc), won by the two drivers with the most points added together. basically, the wdc is glory and fame, but the wcc is actual money for the team. so a team can win the wcc without either of their drivers winning the wdc or vice versa.

i do not feel qualified to provide a good explanation of every single team but i will do a couple short ones!

oracle red bull racing (aka red bull): have won the last 3 consecutive championships. drivers are max verstappen (3x wdc) and checo perez. max is the it boy of f1, checo used to be quite good as well but idk whats up with all that currently. red bull are still currently really good but might (?) be getting worse due to car struggles and their rocket scientist car designer leaving and one driver carrying the weight of the whole team. but for a team thats actually just an advertisement for an energy drink theyre good.

mclaren: i fucking hate this ugly papaya team. sorry oscar piastri (driver whom i do actually like but who unfortunately drives for them). it is always a curse for me when a driver i like is in mclaren because i hate having to give a shit about that team. they do however seem to have the currently fastest car, not sure by what margin. their other driver is lando norris

mercedes: before this red bull domination era, merc were The top dogs. theyd won 7 consecutive wdc's (with lewis hamilton winning 6 of his 7 total, and nico rosberg winning the other one [the lore on those two guys is so deep, one post isnt gonna cut it. think satosugu but More so]) and they were just generally unbeatable until suddenly they werent. their current drivers are lewis hamilton and george russell but lewis is going to ferrari (this was probably the most surprising thing that happened all year) and while we don't currently know who will replace him for sure, it seems really likely that kimi antonelli, an almost-18-year-old, will be given the seat à la shinji. lewis is pretty much the goat (he has won over 30% of the races he has entered. thats not something normal people do. what the fuck) and george russell is also quite good (george also says things like crikey and oh sugar unironically. its endearing trust me)

ferrari: ... i typed the word ferrari and then sighed a weighty sigh. my favourite team because i am cursed. the last time they won a wdc was in 2007 with kimi raikkonen and since then, well, its not been the greatest. current drivers are charles leclerc (the sun of maranello, il predestinato, ferraris favourite sacrificial lamb, etc etc) and carlos sainz (spanish) but carlos is leaving at the end of the season because lewis. every great driver wants to be the one to bring glory and prestige back to ferraris name, and every great driver walks into the belly of the beast only to be spat out and mauled and weighed in the balance and found wanting. charles leclerc, on the other hand, has gone on record saying that if ferrari is a cage he wants to stay in the cage forever. he has that haunted saintly charm to him AND he's pretty. so. he is also my favourite driver but thats more because of his actual driving trust me. he IS really good and he DOES deserve a championship, and i do have faith that he will have a championship with ferrari one day.

that was only 4 teams/8 drivers. other highlights include: alex albon (GREAT driver, one of my faves, stuck in Williams, which is a cardboard box of a car unfortunately. silly guy) and yuki tsunoda (also good driver, currently in vcarb which is basically red bull's smaller sister team. also a great cook) but for more information i will add a link to a post that better sums up some other things that im not the best expert on

the drivers seem like characters because more or less they are; the scale of the stories and arcs being played out in real life by human beings is enormous. fiction cannot even begin to emulate real life in many of these scenarios. the best thing in life is being able to tell a friend a story and then say "that really happened in my racecar sport."

as for the sport being misogynistic: yes it is, but also it isnt nearly as bad as it used to be and its getting better!

[suckmynonexistentass]

this is not going to sound good, but I need to get it out. however I do NOT promote drugs or anything of the sorts. Twtwtwtwtwtw

So i am an addict (probably not surprising lol) and for the past year i’ve been struggling w buprenorhine a lot. Now i’ve been clean for the past 16 or so days, partly because i was broke and my friend went to rehab (super happy about that tho:). Well yesterday i got my pay check (government money thing) and i am so badly craving it, like really badly. The thing that confuses me is that normally I crave it bc, well I am addicted to it but now my main reason for getting it is that it makes me skinny quickly, tho at a really bad price w my health (not saying that my ed doesn’t do the same but diff kind of expense). I think im gonna go get some in an hour or so which I probably wouldn’t even be doing if I didnt break my fast of 3 days, this just sucks cause when I didn’t have the money I struggled w withdrawals and now that they’re almost completely gone, I go back to it just because I cannot handle my body issues.

When I first started using (other than alc, nic or zaza) I was 15 and had already struggled for as long as I can remember w eating problems and back then one of my reasons to start was because I knew it would make me skinny and that is an obsession I cannot for the life of me get out of my head. There were obviously other reasons as well like depression etc, but the thing is Ive always used partly because of the getting skinny af is so important to me, however ive still failed for years now and always end up looking the same. I don’t know, im honestly disappointed in myself for still being here and not being able to get the one thing I so badly have tried to get.

I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone I just needed to write it out.

ps. I did binge tacobell for around 1117 kcal, but atleast half I did purge out.

[most-canon-non-canon-ship-poll]

literally hoping they break up in the last season

Why Mileven is shit - a submission-based essay, part 2/3

Mileven - a currently canon het ship from the Stranger Things fandom between Michael (Mike) Wheeler and Jane (Eleven) Ives/Hopper/Byers/IDK

they NEED to breakup (AGAIN) in the final season let's start w their character arcs rn. el was born in a lab and was raised VERY strict to be a weapon and shit. she escapes and now her whole arc is finding herself and being who she is separate to what people tell her she is. mike comes from a lowkey conservative family with parents who are married only to fit into the normal, not because they love each other. his arc, similar to his sisters' struggle in earlier seasons, is to not fall into conformity just because you feel like you should. both of these stories line up with the main moral of the show: be who you are even if it isn't "normal" ot whatever now how does mileven go against this? mike, and a bunch of ppl around el, in the earlier seasons keeps telling el what she should do/be. even in the later seasons we see mike refering to el as a "superhero" (which she doesn't like). neither of them feel free to be themselves around the other (shown by el lying to mike and mike being WAY out of character around el, etc). mike literally can't tell el he loves her while not under pressure. mileven sometimes parallels mike's parents' and sta.cy (a failed conformity relationship) and other bad relationships ANYWAYS it also reallyyyy pains will byers (who's been canonically in love with mike for like years, and mike's best friend) to see this. also, milevens keep harassing will/mike shippers on anon even months after the last season. like they have a hate discord server just for it. anyways i love mike and el but ohhh my god there is still SO much i haven't mentioned about how bad they are together (and how bad shippers often are, sometimes being violently homophobic and calling bylers delusional and shit)

OOOH IT FUCKING SUCKS THEY ARE SOOOOOO BAD FOR EACH OTHER JESUS THEY DON'T COMMUNICATE LIKE EVER THEY ARE BOTH CLEARLY IN IT BECAUSE OF THE EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE THEY CAN'T CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER THEY DON'T SHARE ANY INTERESTS THEY'RE HAVING CONFLICT MORE OFTEN THAN NOT THANK *GOD* I AM UTTERLY CONVINCED THEY ARE HEADING FOR A CANONICAL PERMANENT BREAKUP. NOT TO MENTION THEY ARE BOTH GAY AS HELL TO ME. YOU SEEN THAT "THIS SHIP IS SO CANON AND IT'S A LESBIAN AND A GAY MAN" TWEET? YEAH. FUCK THIS STUPID FUCKING SHIP NOT TO MENTION THE SHIPPERS ARE FREQUENTLY OPENLY HOMOPHOBIC. UGHHHHHHH KILLING BITING (this is my fave btw)

they have no chemistry or buildup unlike the other st couples. they kissed season 1 right after she asked if he would be her brother. hes very obviously compensating for something. i think i gagged when they made out in season 3. speaking of. thats all they do. make out. they dont really have meaningful conversations. this also comes from the fact that when mike met her she was fresh out the lab that abused her for like 11 years. she was not socially ready to understand the bounds of a platonic relationship let alone a romantic one. anyway mileven break up s5 will happen i believe it. if nothing else. cross ur fingers gamers

the sheer homophobia and general toxicity that the fans of this ship create is absolutely insane when their perfect (read: mischaracterized) straight (read: homosexually-coded) couple is judged for having toxic or incompatible elements is insane. the only good romantic aspect between these two characters is in a cringefail "wow this really doesn't work at all" i-want-to-put-this-dynamic-under-a-microscope-and-study-it-because-it's-an-absolute-trainwreck" kind of way. el has been abused and cut off from society her whole life and at 12 years old she immediately gets together with this guy at whose earth shattered after his best friend went missing who then has surviors guilt after she almost does which is misconstrued as romantic rather than unhealthy obsession and trauma. and so on and so forth.. there's just so much wrong they lie to each other So Fucking Much despite truthfulness being very important to them and they ignore their friends to make out (which is filmed in a way that is meant to feel uncomfortable btw lmao) and el doesn't understand mike's trauma from bullying and he doesn't understand how she doesn't want to be built up into being a superhero etc etc. and it's just so increasingly bad I want to rub my temples just thinking about them. they're just so bad for each other and their relationship has done nothing but make them worse in general but for some reason their ship is viewed as fluffy or cute or whatever the hell. anyway mike is so heavily coded to be fucking gay and in love with his best friend (and el can be interpreted to be lesbian coded) and I just need to get them out of there amen

I'm gonna make a list bc the reasons are many: 1) their first casual interaction they get together but in the same conversation she asks him if she can be like a sister to him 2) all their "cute moments" are them making out in the 3rd season with still absolutely no chemistry 3) their only actual cute scene is them dancing at the snowball yet in the same scene they portray the same way two couples that are not romantic 4) mike becomes a terrible person when he's with eleven 5) eleven literally GOT OUT OF A LAB SHE WAS RAISED IN and this is the first guy she dated 6) she can't even say he's a good kisser 7) mike can't tell her that he loves her (bc he doesn't) and the only time he does he makes this whole ugly ass speech up about how she's his "superhero" even though she doesn't want to be seen only for her superpowers 8) in said speech, while listing the things that he loves about her, he only names her superpowers + he lies multiple times 9) EVEN AFTER SAID SPEECH she is still mad at him and won't talk to him (probably bc she saw right through his bs) 10) she spent a whole 6 months lying to him about all of her life 11) mike is clearly gay and is meant to be with his childhood best friend will 12) mike idolizes her and doesn't see her as an actual person 13) eleven needs to be her own person (ffs she just got out of a lab) 14) the ship sucks and even the authors and actors say so

they have NO chemistry. they kissed after one week of knowing each other when they were 12 and eleven didn't even know what a romantic relationship was at the time, given the fact that right before mike kisses her she says "will you be like my brother?". they spent the entirety of season 2 apart with mike calling el on his walkie and el watching romantic movies on the tv for a year (then will is in trouble and mike says 'fuck it' and goes full protective boyfriend mode but this isn't about byler so i digress) and start dating soon after they meet again even though they haven't had a SINGLE conversation and are barely friends. season 3 comes along and the writers do their utmost best to show us how incompatible they are. their makeout scenes are uncomfortable, they break up at the beginning of the season and neither one of them seems particularly bothered that their first relationship is over. in fact, the happiest we see el in the entire series is during the time they're broken up, when she gets close to max (who she actually has chemistry with, by the way) and finally experiences freedom, being a teenage girl and etc since mike had been "keeping her all to himself" for like, a year. aside from that, he doesn't go after her at all after she dumps his ass (literally) but when he and will have a fight, he bikes across town in the rain just to apologize, that boy is GAY. finally, the theme of season 4 is lies and once again, mike and el spend the season apart (once again, mike spends the season with WILL) and right before they part ways, they have a big fight about mike being unable to so much as WRITE "love, mike" on his letters to el, let alone say it, and he bullshits his way through it and refuses to say the actual reason until vol. 2, when he apparently "confesses" that he's afraid he'll lose her if he says it (okay, amigo, you're gonna lose your girlfriend who was literally begging you to say 'i love you' not even a week ago, aham, totally valid excuse). conclusion: they don't know each other and they don't act like themselves when they're together. mike hides his nerdy nature, el feels like she has to be the amazing superhero he's always viewed her as or else he'll lose interest and it just feels like they're both grasping at straws because this relationship has been dragged on for too long that they don't know how to break up permanently. they are afraid of losing each other, but not romantically, as mike was el's first semblance of family after escaping the lab and mike feels like it's his duty to protect and care for el. also, mike is gay. in other words, FREE THEM.

[cainightfics]

can we get an update? are u doing ok? u had such crazy output last year and now u so suddenly stopped

hey! ya sorry i went so mia its been a busy year. im still working on fic but its slow. from when i last updated trotw to april i was working 3 jobs, taking a full uni courseload, and writing my thesis. the thesis in particular honestly burned me out on writing really badly but i did manage to write that one oneshot

then summer was just shit honestly lol. i spent the entire summer working at a restaurant to save up money bc i had to move away in september, and the shift i had started at 6am, so i was almost never awake during my peak writing hours (11pm to 3am). i lost 30lbs in 2 months partially because i was broke and partially because my eating disorder relapsed (probably from stress lol). during that time i was only eating one meal a day in the form of my free staff lunch at work, but the restaurant where i worked was INFESTED WITH MICE :))))) so half the time i was too disgusted to eat thinking there might be rodent shit mixed into my food lol. and then on my days off i just ate like eggs and rice and zucchini bc thats what i got from the food bank. in august i started really genuinely and consciously restricting my calories down to like 500-800 cals per day, plus working on my feet as a waitress doing like 20k steps a day as a result of the malnutrition and rapid weight loss my hair started falling out in massive clumps :))) and i started sleeping for like 12 hrs a day. im eating properly now ofc tho

i moved in september for grad school and am now living in one of the most expensive cities in the world lol so i spend a lot of time just financially struggling. i have a job that will last until the end of december but its under contract so i only make like $600 a month and have to rely on my $14k school stipend and meagre savings for the rest. ive been looking for another job but i either get no interview, have the interviewer ghost me, or most recently, get told i have the job and then just never get scheduled. i have 7 cents in my checking account rn lol. my rent is paid until next month and then after that who knows whats gonna happen to me

last years output was definitely a fluke and only happened bc i was VERYYYY financially stable and could fuck around a lot at my part time job, where i wrote most of trotw. those sunny days are gone 🚬🚬 lol but i dont intend to abandon my works and i promise they will come someday. if anyone here feels like paying my rent itll come EVEN faster!!!

thx for checking up tho, its nice to know i havent been totally forgotten by u guys <3