#i still probably won't be posting very consistently but I am planning on getting the alphabets done for the other 141 guys

[ianthine-ichor]

Kyle 'Gaz' Garrick NSFW Alphabet

Masterlist

A/n: Ah yes, the obligatory NSFW Alphabet. Anyway this was done very quickly and has not been edited very much but I hope you enjoy the food anyway Gaz lovers!

Tw: NSFW. No minors beyond this point!

Aftercare - he's elite status with aftercare. In fact he's managed to make aftercare just as sexy as actually fucking. Man's is in your ear whispering sweet nothings while cleaning you up and making sure you're in the most comfortable position pressed against him so you aren't as sore. He's really all about making sure you feel like a divine deity in the bedroom.

Body Part - he is a legs man, through and through. He wants to bite them, lick them, stuff his face between them, all of it. He wants to suffocate in their grip.

Control - he's pretty in control of his sex drive. He can hold himself back until you two are alone without you even noticing that he was hot and bothered.

Dirty Secret - he loves surprising you with a sudden movement just to hear you gasp for him. He finds nothing is hotter than making your body jolt with pleasure.

Experience - He has a lot of experience. He's got that charming yet devilish smile down to a science at this point and he was never against a good one night stand every once in a while. That being said, there is definitely a difference between how he fucks a random person he met in a dive bar verses how he fucks his lover.

Favorite Position - anywhere between your legs honestly. Sit on his face, let him suck you off or eat you out he honestly doesn't care. Just as long as he gets a taste of you.

Goofy - he's not so serious he can't laugh a bit here and there, but he's honestly just so intense and passionate that it's hard to find the humor for him sometimes. He wants to make the moment as hot as possible and that sometimes gets in the way of a good giggle.

Hair - he is very well groomed. He prides himself on a clean cut look and down there is no different.

Intimate - he is so intimate that it's honestly a little intimidating at times. He's fucking you with such slow, deep strokes, breathing hot against your neck and letting out only the most delicious moans right into you're ear. He will kiss over every inch of your body like he plans to paint the feeling of your skin against his lips by memory.

Jack off - he's not a very big fan of jacking off. He'll do it if he needs to, but it's never satisfying enough. He craves the closeness of someone else.

Kinks - he's really into blindfolds, both on him or his partner. Something about the trust of it really turns him on.

Location - he's a bedroom only type of guy. He just doesn't find the thrill in getting caught when all he wants is your attention fully on him.

Man or machine? - he absolutely loves toys in the bedroom. Anything he can use to get you twitching at a moments notice is just too good of an idea to pass up.

Nope - he doesn't like pain during sex. Now don't get him wrong, a slap on the ass is never a no, but he tries to avoid anything that leaves too many bruises or scratches the next morning. It just makes him feel a little guilty.

Oral - he's an oral man all the way. In fact the hard part is keeping his mouth off of you. He wants his mouth constantly filled with the taste of you.

Pace - slow, intense, purposeful strokes. He's always searching for the perfect angle to get your face to scrunch and your toes to curl. His pace never falters, even when he's close.

Quickie - as of now his record for successful quickies that didn't turn into full blown passionate sex is zero. He just can't help himself, he always needs more.

Risk - he's not a very big risk taker. He likes finding what works and sticking to it for the most part. But he isn't completely opposed to a little bit of thrill seeking if that's what you want.

Stamina - orally? He could fuck you all day. Dick wise? Not that impressive. He dumped all his points into oral and didn't take the time to up his dick game. Still, you won't leave the bed unsatisfied, he'll make sure of it.

Temptation - tempting him is pretty easy. Just stare at him with those pretty eyes and call him whatever pet name you've given him and he'll melt like butter at the touch of you.

Unfair - he's never unfair during sex. In fact his goal is to make sure you always end when you feel the most satisfied. He doesn't like to tease or draw things out too much. He gets you exactly where you need to be.

Vocal - just the most spine tingling, lip biting, tantalizing sounds you've ever heard in your life. He makes sure you hear how good your fucking him too, what with all the dirty little praises he keeps whispering in your ear. He's definitely more of a moaner than a talker though.

Wait - he's incredibly patient and if need be he could go a while without fucking you. However just know that when he does finally get his hands on you again you aren't getting away for at least a day or two.

Xtra - he is definitely holding your hand while he dicks you down, no questions asked.

Yearning - he's definitely the type to yearn from afar for a while before asking. He wants to make sure you have the time before he asks.

Zzz - it takes him a while to come down from the high most times, so you two often spend a while holding each other with some nice, soft pillow talk before either of you pass out.

[4dmc]

Man I'm in another rabbit hole....

...look this is probably a below-the-belt controversial take but I know Kat will never have the same fandom understanding treatment as Anya does

Both of them are female characters treated horrifically by the settings they have to navigate through. And both female characters are written with consistency to react according to their individual characteristics, relationships and situations.

Perhaps it's of the time and different genre, but I won't be surprised if it's because people will only ever be swayed by the vitriolic reputation that DmC has and will refuse to go deeper because they're afraid of online mob mentality.

I find it both ironic and befitting considering DmC tackles rebellion and defiance in their literal sense, both in its story and its real life situation. Being literally different, a mob comes for it...

I mean it's been over a decade and the misogyny against Kat is still across most online spaces. Their takes of seeing her as useless because of her introverted nature has now come to the point where they see her moment of horror, in the final chapter, as also a supposed depiction of misogyny.

(It's funny, Vergil makes a similar insinuation against her in the final chapter. The meta-narrative, whether or not it's intentional, is personally horrifying)

Really rich coming from the most vocal majority who parade themselves being morally right & "cool" just because they don't like a medium. And have likely peddled the same bandwagon since 2010.

And this particular post just sums up how they don't see their own misogyny playing. Like does Kat's horrified reaction that the only two people she cares about are now actually ideologically too different all along, something to be hounded at? On top of the fact the leader she looked up to is not someone she knew all along?

....hmmm like how Anya trusted Curly to help her fix this very horrifying issue about her situation against Jimmy??

For clarification I am not comparing Anya and Kat, and how their situations are worse than the other or anything that anyone in the DMC fandom is gonna twist around, because I know now just how much they'll twist anything about DmC.

I am just appalled what that post says about Kat. And reveals their own bigotry during a scene where she was at her weakest point.

Like I understand there are issues in DmC that Ninja Theory themselves would've wanted to fix if they ever wanted to go back or have another chance. But they knew, I think, that getting out of Capcom is just their next big move. They're going through bankruptcy, they've been getting death threats, and if there's anything that's implied about a certain someone had said about the production behind the scenes, their hands are tied and pressed for time.

Heck they literally said they don't have plans of making a dlc. But a few months later Capcom confirms they have a dlc... 👀 that's suspicious...

But just to go back to Kat, and with just Kat alone, as a character, I can't help but find parallels in her and with Anya. Both are quiet, capable women but are in a horrendous situation and the only ways they can survive is through their wits and skills.

And as for that disgusting post and some of them from twitter ofc, they keep forgetting the moments Kat has done.

She maybe a story mechanic but she is also a subversion. Vergil is supposed to be Dante's guide here, yet Kat is the one actively risking her life to help Dante. We can say Kat is an extension of Vergil, which she is, but so what? Does this suddenly count as "being tied to a man" or her actions and agency is suddenly not counted just because she's doing this to two male characters? Are her actions and emotions suddenly meaningless?

That post also erases her motivations for doing this. She came from an abusive household and befriends Vergil. It's heavily implied she's been isolated herself and latches onto the first person who has shown kindness to her. And that pushes her to finally end her abuser's life. She realizes she's not alone in this issue and sees the bigger picture, the larger struggle that humanity is being abused by the demons.

And it's why she looks to Vergil in horror. There's a quiet abyss that opened inside her as Vergil's true nature just....fucking hits her and Dante out of nowhere.

There was someone who points out that why didn't Kat stand up for herself?

And I have to say that unfortunately ties us back to what Vergil insinuates about humanity and his lack of empathy to Kat (all along, which shouldn't be a surprise as red flags about him have been building up...), but also completely forgetting Kat's shock over this matter. Just because she's stunned in silence shouldn't be an indicator of poor character. And in her case, not at all!

And despite that Kat was the one who literally stops Dante from murdering his twin Vergil, during the mutant storm their boss fight was causing btw.

(yeah they predated the whole "i am the storm that is approaching" and I wouldn't be surprised if their boss fight was an influence to the song)

And she did that after "hiding behind a garbage" as that user has eloquently put.

Speaking of silence, we have Anya's situation. She had been quiet about a LOT of what Jimmy did to her. And Kat had suffered silently under an abusive household for God knows how long. Two very different situations, sure, but these two are resilient female characters. They refuse to be defined by their weakest points in their lives and did what they could. But so oddly enough one is associated with poor treatment from a hateful audience. And then there's Anya.

Just adding, all the female characters in Devil May Cry ARE tethered to their lead male counterparts. They're all subjected to a one-sided narrative that favors their star leading male/s.

Yes, they're significant and have larger roles, but let's face it, they serve their male lead despite not being love interests. Except for Kyrie, who is whittled down to non-existence.

And the bland fanservice aside, both Trish and Lady seem to not exist independently from Dante, save their debuts. But Lady seems to be the only one who gets to enjoy a much better writing than the rest of her fellow female characters in this continuity. The thing is though I think Lucia is next to that hierarchy. But after that, the ladies' characterization goes downhill.

In the ending in 5, both Trish and Lady are only ever wondering and wandering inside his space. Their characterization remains co-dependent to Dante, and...sadly nothing else outside their debut and no dlc.

Nico is the only one who manages to get a passable characterization despite subtle fanservice whenever we're shopping in her van. And I don't even want to go over her colorism especially her alt. outfit. (Also yeah... Trish has that blackface issue too in 4 and her alt. outfit but... Anyway..)

The way that post defends the female characters in DMC but hypocritically ignores any nuance AND unaware of their own bigotry for DmC is the oldest news in this side of the fandom.

I believe it's still on Reddit but the sexism against Kat's early concept illustrations are telling. They really could've just criticized about the direction, but from what I can recall only one did that whole the rest have piled on to piss on this discovery.

I could be wrong since it's been years since that post and the audience might've changed, which I can only hope so.

I do apologise about making Mouthwashing/How Fish Is Made comparisons. As I've said I was in a rabbit hole and well.... I guess I needed to rant about my two favorite female characters.

Btw GDC 2013 Alessandro Taini's presentation is available on Archive.org.

[northopalshore]

hello Gaia! I have a union persona chart related question.

In my union pc I have union in 22° conjunct fama ( same degree ) in the 7th house Pisces.

I would like to ask, what's you're thoughts on this aspect with this degree? I know people call it "kill or be killed", I'm just not really sure how it's gonna manifest for me in this situation 😭

I'm definitely gonna meet this man for some type of work as I looked at the rest of the chart. Funny enough, I just started thinking about that "hm, maybe I should start sharing my art and thoughts on ig and yt" ( I have natal union in 11h aquarius 17° and a aquarius stellium in my union pc ), he propably gonna like my stuff and then he probably would want to start to work on a project with me, a collab perhaps? That's what I read into it. There's gonna be troubles though with the meeting, because of the distance? ( saturn in the 12th house union pc, it's in virgo ( in retrograde, Idk what are the effects it's gives to a planet when it's in retrograde ) so it might be health related aswell or it's gonna be hard to schedule the meeting because we're both busy with the everyday stuff, work + distance? Hmm, I'm not sure, still new to astrology 😞 )

Anyways, thought I might share this aswell, maybe it can help you give more context of the situation? I'm sorry If I talked too much or idk 😭

Thank you in advance if you decide to answer!

𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋ It def could be like a YouTuber couple situation lmaoo, PewDiePie & Marzia, Markiplier & Lixian ( not a couple lol, but I'm trying to highlight how they met in the first place) popped up in my mind. If you truly feel passionate about posting on YouTube, go for it!!!

Make sure the focus remains as doing what you want to do though, everything else will fall in place eventually. They may in fact be from a different country than your own or at least in a different state. Retrograde usually means it will take time, and a lot of planning may be involved for the first meeting. Perhaps there's a lot of things that have to be done in order to meet up, or it's just not the most practical choice given your conflicting schedules.

It will likely take a lot of hard work to get to a certain point of meeting them though, but at that time you will be consumed with your own ideas and won't see them coming. Being consistent & genuine with your art is important as that's what is supposed to happen lol. You could Collab with another YouTuber that turns out to be your FS, but it may happen at a later date i.e when you reach a certain point of success or recognition. From there, they may offer to collaborate on a video or brand.

₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑

When I first started my blog, it felt very random lmao. I never, ever thought I would be in this position where I am the person working behind the screen. I got into Tumblr actively because I was digging down a rabbit hole, but somehow... it led me here. (iykyk)

I didn't think much of it because I just felt like sharing a post or two with things that have been catching my attention. It felt like a very natural, yet unexpected progression. When I got into deeper research on my own union placements & actually thinking about the possibilities of meeting my FS, imagine my surprise when they all screamed online through some new/occult venture.

It just so happens the next few friends I meet were key to connect my braincells to that outcome! When I started reading my parents union placements, it just clicked even further. It's hard to explain the exact things I felt when I realized it. It's like ... It was meant to happen the way it happened. Everything just felt right.

It's supposed to happen this year, but I don't want to predict it through my Lunar Return Chart. Just because I don't want to feel like it's the "main event" or something I should be actively expecting.

What I'm trying to say is, just keep going. If it's something that you truly believe in & want to pursue professionally, go for it. I have to tell you because it's there; it's going to take a lot of genuine effort on your side. If you choose this track, in a sense it's going to take everything you have. Really putting yourself out there, you being you & sharing what truly speaks to you.

It will seem easier to just quit at times, but you have to believe in yourself. Think of you, your art and passion. As for your FS, just keep him at the back of your mind. If not, then everything will seem rather shallow. I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from. Put yourself first!

₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑

Hope this helps!

[dragonagitator]

Like House MD, time travel, radical canon divergence, and author-self-insert isekai fanfics? Beta readers wanted!

Welp it seems the brainrot I contracted from @acrownforaking is compelling me to write my own House MD isekai fanfic featuring an author-self-insert who unexpectedly reality shifts / time travels from January 2024 in our universe to January 2004 in the Houseverse, then immediately decides to seize this opportunity to unfuck the shitshow that is Greg House's life while simultaneously rewriting 20 years of history with nothing but her shitty memory and her hubris to guide her.

Unfortunately, while I've spent the past 30+ years reading 100+ million words of fanfic in various fandoms, my only previous experience in writing fanfic has consisted of starting and then abandoning a few Dragon Age and Baldur's Gate 3 fics. I wrote thousands of words, but I wrote the scenes out of order as the ideas came to me. I never published even a single chapter of those fics on AO3 because my writing process failed to produce a coherent Chapter 1 before getting hopelessly bogged down in obsessively researching the lore of the games' settings.

I've learned from my mistakes and this time I'm going to force myself to write my story in chronological order so I can begin publishing chapters while it's still a WIP. I've heard that those sweet sweet dopamine hits from AO3's email notifications can be a great incentive to keep writing. Plus the Houseverse being nearly identical to our own universe means there's very little setting-specific lore for me to research.

I'm seeking beta readers both for the usual reasons (motivation, accountability, and general writing feedback) and to help me untangle the messes I'll be making every time my OC uses her foreknowledge to force a radical deviation from show canon and/or IRL recent history. So, if you're the sort of person who enjoys pointing out a plan's fatal flaws or rooting out logical inconsistencies, then oh boy would I love for you to rip my drafts apart. Make both my OC and me cry. Please.

Warning: This fic will be dark. The source material is already pretty fucking dark -- House MD canon includes all four of the major archive warnings -- and my story will likely include even more potential triggers than in canon because one of the major themes will be how quickly things can spiral horribly out of control when you think you can predict the future.

So, if you have any triggers that you avoid reading about for the sake of your mental health, you probably shouldn't volunteer to beta read my fic because I won't be working on the trigger warnings until the final polishing for publication. It would be safer to wait until I've posted on AO3 to read it because I plan to break the chapters up so that triggering content is quarantined in its own separate chapters that can be briefly summarized and skipped.

Please let me know if you're interested in beta reading chapters before they're published on AO3. Any level of involvement welcome -- I am fully aware that most people don't have the time or interest to volunteer as a copyeditor or developmental editor! Quick feedback like "he would not fucking say that" or "yo there's a giant plot hole over here" would be super helpful to me too. Thanks in advance!

[abnomi]

HI IM WYATT!! 🫧🧼🐡

im like if a fish was a guy and it and yeah

I'm nonbinary and a fan of soap. My personality develops at a normal human rate as well as my human mind. I'm a normal human age with a normal human life.

i like drawing! ✏️ check out #my art! 🎨 in the tags to see

i won't post explicit NSFW (anything graphically sexual in nature or anything with extreme gore), but beyond that one rule, i do not limit what kinds of topics i post about on here. i will trigger tag the generally sensitive ones, however!

i do not engage in discourse and i go out of my way to avoid it. this also goes for any mean-spirited kind of content! let's be nice to each other.

i have heavy general anxiety, so please be patient with me! i tend to respond slowly and get overwhelmed extremely easily; not to say anyone owes me constant coddling or anything ofc!! i just think it's worth mentioning in case i start acting erratic or something HAHA. the more you know! �� brain problems galore

feel free to talk to me either thru my askbox or messages! i love meeting new people and talking to my friends despite how anxiety may influence my behavior to indicate otherwise! i just need time. a lot and a lot of time.

my grammar sometimes is Bad because my brains is Goo Sorry... i struggle with wording things coherently :---( if i say something that comes off the wrong way, i apologize in advance! i am still learning

im a rampant lifelong selfshipper. been in the loving game for quite some time now. if you are an off-putting fictional character, youd best hope you dont cross paths with me.

OC x canon is one of my primary interests; i will probably post about it more often than not on here! if you have a common interest with a character i like, I'm more than okay with sharing! love for everyone Yay !! 🌞🌞🌈

I'm working on a fansite for character shrines but ummm its taking a while

"What does this silly fuck even do?"

Dont fucking talk to me like that. I draw sometimes and try very hard to make art! Unfortunately, the brain I'm using is kind of stupid and broken and it doesn't do what I tell it to do. Working on getting a new one, but it's just not going according to plan.

As for what kind art I tend to make, I'm very experimental with my work! Expecting consistency from me is a bad idea. I get bored of the same ideas quickly and bounce around a ton. I LOOOVE character design and character writing in particular!! i have so many stories and concepts, you have no idea. Anything character/story-oriented is a major favorite subject of mine.

I'm hoping to get around to game development, web design, animation, music production, 3d stuff, and more! Just need to kind of kick myself to the finish line u know

"Wow what concepts do you have in mind"

too many and theyre all unfinished, but I'm planning on making a webcomic! I ambitiously wanted (and still do want) to take on several massive projects that I'm not able to accomplish in my current state, so I thought a comic i can create on my own time would be much easier and a good way to start the road to self discipline... we will see how that goes.

I'd go in depth explaining all of my stories and characters but it sounds like a bad idea to put those here. I'll make a website compiling all of the information about them eventually i promiiiisee

"What do you like"

My interests fluctuate so often that i generally can't fully pin one down as if it's consistently present.

There's hardly any pattern in what I gravitate towards, other than the single qualifier of whether the piece of work contains a token character for me to latch onto who is outwardly antagonistic and/or bitter towards everyone in the cast. Everything else is mostly irrelevant in quantifying how much i will enjoy a thing. this isn't an end all be all, though!! its less of a rule and more of a pattern.

"Did you hear about how they're sending frozen ants to mars just to see what will happen? Just letting them defrost there and crawl around, an isolated ant society. I don't know who's behind this. I heard it from a friend, but I don't think I believe them, because who would do that and why?"

It was me. I was the one sending them. Watch your back. Don't ask this again

"My head hurts."

My head heuts too

"also can i kill you and your family"

Sure

[0peach0fizz0]

Hi! I'll be making a comic on Webtoon if anyone who sees this is interested! It's about the oldest daughter in an alien monarchy which is overthrown by the youngest heir. It's gonna have some slice of life, action, possibly romance. So far I'm planning for it to have 12 episodes. If it gets popular then I'll of course add more. As it stands, I only have 6 panels of the first episode. If requested, I'll post some sneak peeks of those. I still need a name for the comic but I'm thinking something with "Peach" in it. I currently have a full time job so working on these panels is very, very tedious. Of course, this will probably take a very long time and I don't really know how consistent I can keep it but I work on it every night until around 3 AM so there's that. Anyways, thanks to anyone who read this bullshit all the way through!

TLDR: Tired 21 year old makes lengthy comic about an alien which probably won't get popular while working a full time job. RIP

[imstillhere-butallislost]

1 Year On Testosterone, Androgel Timeline Update

June 10th marks my 1 year on testosterone, and although this post is probably posted after that date, I thought i'd make a big 1 year update on my timeline on (low dose) androgel. Here you'll find my thoughts on using gel instead of shots, my current and future transition plans ,thoughts on still not passing one year on T, and my full timeline of changes. I imagine this will be a very long post, so buckle up. Feel free to ask or DM me any questions

My starting dose in June of 2022 was 1 pump of 1% androgel daily, which has 12.5mg of testosterone. In December of 2022 my dose was upped to 2 pumps of the same gel, so 25mg of testosterone applied daily. The gel has the same consistency as hand sinitizer and dries within 20 or so seconds when applied. The gel has risk of transferring to other people or harming pets, especially within that first hour of applying. If you go on gel, be careful about tranfering it to people who might not want extra testosterone in their system. That being said, one year on androgel, and I have had no issues with tranfering the gel to other people or harming my 2 cats and dog. I started off applying the gel to my left upper arm and shoulder, but occasionally switched to my right arm and shoulder, but recently have been applying the gel to my abdomen

Now onto the timeline part

The immediate and most impactful effect was the change testosterone had on my mood. I struggled with depression for all of my life, and suddenly that was just gone.
One year on T, and I am happy (as well as EXTREMELY surprised) to say that I don't have depression anymore. I have a lot more energy, I'm rarely sad these days, let alone depressed. This won't be the case for everone, but it was the case for me. 4 days on testosterone I was flexing as I passed mirrors, not proud of that

one. I also noticed that my general body temperature went up, I have bad circulation so my hands used to always be cold, and that has lessened. Also within the first

month, I noticed increased hair growth. Stomach hair, and also hair where I applied the gel on my arm. Just a little bit more, but noticable. My labido went up a lot, like it was insane. I was able to gain muscle mass easier. I started growing hair on my thighs, which I never had before. I also noticed a small amount of facial hair growth.

Not many more changes happened until my dose was upped in December, because I was started on a really, low dose and still am on a fairly low dose. after getting my dose upped to 2 pumps of gel, I did start actually noticing bottom growth, but looking back i'm sure I did have some amount of bottom growth before December, but it definitely got more noticable when the dose was upped. Around mid February, my voice had some drastic changes. The median of my voice used to be 190-200hz, and now it's 130-140hz. Technically in the "male range", but I still don't think my voice passes, maybe it's androgynous. The voice drop was rather sudden, although not extremely drastic. I had to sort of learn how to speak properly again without my voice cracking, not being used to the new range. Before my voice even got lower, I knew it was going to drop soon because I noticed it just couldnt go higher like it used too. My voice drop started with losing the higher range rather then going lower. I've noticed that my body fat has I think begun to redistribute, I hold a lot of fat in my stomach rather then hips. I never dealt with much acne on my face, but my back around the left shoulder where I first applied my testosterone has a lot of acne. Hair growth has continued, which honestly has been one of my favourite things. I never thought i'd have such a strong attachment to stomach hair. I still have my period, which absolutely sucks.

Thoughts On Not Passing One Year On T

I'm still not where I want to be one year on T, and that is a little bit hard on me. I'm not saying I regret it, because testosterone is the best thing that has ever happened for me, but it's a special kind of hurt seeing other people with the same timeline that i'm on that pass while I still don't. which is exactly why I think I wanted to add this part in here. I still don't pass as male, while being one year on T. I think maybe starting T made me feel more present in my body, which is good, but also led me to have to really face all of the dysphoria and issues I have with myself. I used to be able to ignore it by dissociating, without even realizing that that's what I was doing. Being misgendered has just begun to hurt more, because now it feels like a failure on my part (or my bodys part) because I can get angry, asking myself why after a year on tesosterone I still am not passing. It leaves me afraid, I think. Maybe I always testosterone was THE thing I needed and then i'd pass consistently after just a couple of months, but that just didn't happen for me. I assumed that it would just be easy. I think that has to do a lot with the culture when I came out. People didn't share timelines if they were unhappy or non passing, or if they did they were laughed off the internet. This is because I started questioning my gender around 2016, and came out in early 2018, where "SJW TRANS CRINGE COMPILATION" was like... the norm on YouTube.

People shared a lot less of their struggles in fear of being lumped into that and being harassed, or they just felt like maybe during those times the passing trans people should take the stage because it was easier for cis people to digest and understand. I don't blame anyone for not sharing the hard parts of their medical transition, because this is very personal stuff and people will question you if you say youre not 1000% happy to be where you are, but i'm glad that I see more people talking about not being satisfied with how their transition is going, and how they still don't pass X amount of time into being on testosterone. It's nice to see posts and videos and timeline updates like that. These things take different amount of times for different people, and that's alright.

It's hard, but I'm alright with it. The fact that I am where I am at all is something i never thought i'd get to at all. I'm proud to be where I am, when I think about it.

Testosterone has helped me greatly. I'm a happy person now, happiest i've ever been, and I see a future for myself now. A very happy one. Without even passing, testosterone has helped me so much. Just internally. I don't know how much of my happiness comes from just having consistent hormone levels everyday, or if my depression was just all a manifestation of background dysphoria that is being directly treated by hormone therapy now.

On Gel Vs. Shots and Dosage

I'm not really sure what made me decide to take gel rather than the shots, but I was adment on gel. I don't know how I feel about that decision in the long run.

For cons about the gel, it's expensive.

Around $200CAD every 2 months. It's really hard without insurance. I don't think my changes have been slow because of gel,

just because of my low dose. It's hard to contact my endo, and they even sent bloodwork paper to the wrong location, so generally it's been a bit hard to get my dose upped. I also started T as a minor (17) so that is specifically why I was kept on a low dose to start with. I'm assuming that now that i'm an adult, it will be easier to get my dosage upped. Being on the gel I also kind of feel, not left out, but not really a part of the classic transmasc doing their T shot experience, which I did always assume i'd do when I was 12-13 and I first came out because I didn't know gel was an option. These days, there's more talk of gel and patches, which I think is definitely good for people exploring their testosterone options.

For pros of gel, consistant hormone levels daily is very very good for me I find. There's no big spikes and low lows like there would be with weekly or biweekly shots, it's just daily consistent levels. I can feel kind of bad if I miss a day of gel, which i'm unsure if that is caused by me mentally knowing that I don't have testosterone for that day. or if that's actually just due to not having the regular hormones that I get daily. This is one of the reasons Why i'm unsure about switching to shots despite the expense of the gel. I don't think I would do good at all with such major fluctuations to my hormone levels, and it's not something I really want to play around with in fear of my mental health declining again with big hormone fluctuations like that. I also like the little daily routine of putting on gel everyday, it fits into my routine well and I feel i'm more likely to remember a daily routine rather then weekly or biweekly

I think often about maybe switching to shots, but I just don't know if the increased risk to my mental health with big hormone fluctiations is at all worth it.

I'm hoping to ask my endo about 1.62% gel and if its available in my area, because it has a higher concentration of testosterone and one pump would nearly be my current dose of 2 pumps of 1% gel, so id need to refill it the same amount of time for a bigger dose, instead of doing 3 pumps of the 1% gel, which I would need to refill more frequently which would cost more money more often.

Uncertainty of Medical Transition

This may be a shock considering i've been talking about how much medical transition has helped me, but I want sure if I even wanted to go on testosterone at all at one point. I've been out for from ages 12-18, and flip flopped on what I wanted many times. I knew I wanted to be on testosterone when I first came out, but that waned with time. I think after being out for so long without medical internevntion, the idea seemed so far away, I sort of let myself believe that it would never be able to happen. I let myself believe that maybe I didn't want to medically transition, becuase it was easier then addressing the fact that it would take a lot of time and it would be a hard process that I didnt know how to start it. It was a hard, confusing process to get hRT as a minor. There want just a quick guide for my area that I could find, if there was one at all it was in the depths of a website that hadnt been updated in a decade and was hard to traverse. I was at the appointment to get my perscription, uncertain about it. I took the step anyway, holding on to that sliver of hope that maybe I could actually have that life I dreamed of as a child

It turns out that going on testosterone was the best decision i've ever made. I'm glad, and i'm very lucky, that I stepped into the unknown.

The Future of My Transition

I'm largely happy, hoping that my testosterone dose gets upped again soon. I'm hoping to actually start passing with an upped dose, too.

I'm in the process for top surgery, which is another thing I thought could NEVER happen to me. So far out of reach, for more fortunate people, but this month i'm going to be sending all my forms in to see if my top surgery can get covered. I could have top surgery within the year. I have never been more happy in my entire life.

I think that's really all, My life is going good. I'm generally happy with my medical transition, despite not being exactly at the point where I want to be, but every single day gets a little bit easier for me. Feel free to look back on some of my other update posts, which i'm sure go more in depth, and of course ask me any questions. I'm happy to share, I know timelines on gel are a little bit harder to find.

If anybody is reading this who is considering testosterone, debating gel, or early on testosterone and trying to map out what their future will look like, I want to say hi hi hi hello. You'll be alright. You'll figure it out. You can not medically transition ever. or do it later in your life, or go on testosterone and then go off if you decide it isn't right for you. I genuinely believe that everything will all work out. Take your time, enjoy your life, there is community out there for you.

[chaotic-toby]

I just finishes making two creepypasta OCs and I'm planning on writing a story about them. Well, even though Toby isn't going to be a main character, I still want to include him bc he's my favourite and I relate to him. I'm making this post about his characterization bc I want to get it right, and I hate how some people infantilize him in fics, or write his tics.

Anyways, Toby's characterization!

Attitude!

Now, I am thinking hard about this. So, isn't it canon that Toby continues to age even after his story ends, so I wanna say he's probably around 21-22 ish. He's mature but not completely mature. He has his funny moments. Toby is a proxy who obeys Slenderman's every command. Bc of that, he tends to be serious most of the time, unless he's not actively doing something, then he lets loose and relaxes. I also like to think he can be a smartass when he needs to be. He doesn't take shit from no one. But, if someone is nice, then he'll be nice as well. Toby, when he's working and whatnot, is quiet, barely talking so he can focus, but when he's with any creepypastas he's comfortable with, he can be quite talkative. He has a soft spot for anyone who can't easily defend themselves bc when he was still living with his father, he was in the same boat.

Toby isn't exactly a prankster, but if someone asked him for help with a prank, then he'll gladly help, especially if the victim of the prank is someone he's doesn't like.

Tics!

Now, I know in recent fics, at least the few I have read, people are writing Toby's tics in a more realistic way, and I'm happy about that. As someone who has tics, I wanna explain how I'll write them. Just a disclaimer, I only have motor tics (I might possibly have chronic tic disorder) so I might not write the vocal tics good. If that's the case, anyone feel free to correct me. Anyways...

Toby's motor tics consist of his nose twitching, head jerking, his eyes looking to the left uncontrollably, which causes intense headaches (I'm projecting). His right shoulder also jerk occasionally but that isn't a very common tic that he has. Another motor tic is that his arms will randomly extend outward, hitting anything in the way (not something that I do but I have seen in a fic I read years ago).

Vocal tics includes clearing his throat, repeating something he heard (in my fic, I really want him to say, "ding dong ditch, you are a bitch" bc my oc will write that (my oc doesn't talk so he writes)), whistling (from what I've seen, is a common vocal tic), and lastly, stuttering. NOW, I'm not talking about constabtly stuttering, no. He only stutters when he's really emotional or stressed or just in a very intense situation.

Relationships!

I'm not gonna go into detail about his relationship with every creepypasta (humanoid creepypastas Ig), but I will briefly mention how close he is to a select few, just the ones that comes to mind rn.

Jeff- Toby doesn't like Jeff bc in my fic, he's kinda an asshole. Though Toby does admire his honesty and how surprisingly trusting he is? Like, if you tell Jeff something, he won't tell a soul. Also surprisingly, he can be quite helpful, which Toby admires as well.

Masky + Hoodie- They're not creepypastas, and in Marble Hornets, are shown to actively go against Slenderman, so I like to think that Toby, who obeys Slenderman, despises them. They would try to get him to see through Slenderman's brainwashing, but he refuses to listen to them (who knows, maybe one day, he will listen and finally break free from Slendy~)

BEN- I like to think of them as friends (not bc they're my two favourites) but because despite BEN's age, he can be quite mature at times? And helps Toby if Toby ever needed information about a target. They play games every now and then.

Sally- Everyone loves Sally. End of discussion.

(I was gonna do more but I don't feel like it bc it involves thinking)

With my OC!

If you're not interested in anything about my OC, feel free to skip this part but I am in love with my OC and have been dying to talk about him!

Now, how is Toby around my OC? My OC is named Noah, and he doesn't talk, like at all. He has the ability to, but refuses to ever speak bc of his speech impediment: rhotacism. When he wants to talk to someone, he writes what he has to say on a notepad. Since he's quiet and minds his business, Toby is fine around him, but there's a part of Noah that unnerves him. It feels like Noah isn't just Noah, like there's another part of him that's more... evil. As a killer himself, Toby isn't scared of Noah, far from it. Noah is probably one of the most pacifistic creepypastas in the entire mansion. He never actually kills anyone, he just somehow makes people so angry that they start attacking each other. Toby is just a bit... curious about him. But they rarely see each other since Noah is either always in his room or disappeared somewhere, and Toby is mainly in the woods. Whenever they do see each other or hang out, it's always a calm experience. It mainly involves Toby talking about something with Noah writing back his responses. Not like Noah doesn't take the lead in conversations at times. When he gets excited about something, he hastily writes it down, which makes it difficult to read, but Toby doesn't care. Honestly, at times, Noah feels like a younger brother he never had. If Noah ever needed help, Toby would probably help.

(Gah, now all I can think about is Toby being an overprotective brother figure <33 especially since Noah never had any siblings. Also, this went off the rails a bit. I just really like my OC and Toby <33)

[kinetic-elaboration]

March 24: Sunday Vibe

I'm tired and creativity has really taken the FARTHEST of backseats, which sucks. I'm afraid I'm going to forget literally everything I was thinking about. The longer I go without writing, the more I feel like it's just a hypothetical thing, and very difficult, and I just don't know how to start. I get scared of it. And I get especially scared when I fee like I'm just running on almost nothing all the time, sort of regardless of what I do (not that I'm doing such a good things haha).

Anyway, I'm not really saying anything, I guess. I don't have news, I don't have stuff to say. I did laundry today and a few other chores, but nothing creative or interesting. I have not made any progress on any projects so they are all exactly where they were.

I do plan to post the last chapter of Time Loop this week and officially and fully finish that. I'm still working on my drawer fic, which is going to hit 25k tomorrow. That is ridiculous. That is wild. I feel a little bit like I'm treading water with it, like the section I'm in isn't easy, but I've been very consistent and stubborn about continuing no matter what, so progress continues. It's almost like there's some sort of lesson there.

The College AU continues to stagnate at one scene, which is sad. I just am so attached to this universe in my head, I play around with it all the time, and I worry about compressing all of that down into, like words on page. Plus once a scene is written, I'll not think about it as much... that seems like a good and bad thing. I don't know. I'd love to write a chapter ad put it out there and see if people vibe with it especially since my Hey Sweetheart fic got such a surprising and lovely reaction.

This will probably require me quitting my job though and the I won't be able to eat. So, bummer.

[moonspirit]

Oh, another writer ask game, I'm in! I'm glad you rb it :3 💫🌈🦋🌿🍉🎀(yep, again, because your writing is amazin!)🎈💝🤍💥🎙️💋💌

OMG WAIT, I SCHEDULED THIS SOMETIME LAST WEEK TO POST LATER BUT THEN THERE WAS THAT OTHER ASK GAME AND I FORGOT TO DELETE THIS ONE WEOFIHWEIFUHWEIJ-

GODDAMNIT. aNYWAYS. Now I can't delete it #_#

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback? Any and all comments, really! I'm a crumb person and easy to please, you can send me a heart and I will have enough motivation to write the next chapter xD However I do especially like it when people find the symbolism or thematic relevances that I incorporate :3 Makes me feel like "yeah, I did good this time. good job me."

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with? Recently I've posted everything I've written, so... there's nothing nobody won't know. However I did struggle with that whole bonfire dancing scene in TFLM.

🦋what are you most insecure about when you post a fic? Since I'm currently only writing AruAni, I feel like making Armin smart is a really fucking hard job xD For his character development, I need him to use his stellar brains, but that means I gotta make him use his stellar brains... and... T^T yeah, I worry a lot that readers will find what ultimately happens sounds silly/not clever enough.

🌿how does creating make you feel? VERY satisfied! Incredibly so! Makes me happy to write and post and share what I've created with people :3

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life? My fics are all a representation of things I want in my life, both the big and small. For example, in Chap 3 of VBEOW, Armin and Annie share hot chocolate in the kitchen in the early hours of the morning; that kind of comfortable intimacy and quiet shared space is something I also crave. Another example is in the very first part of the series where Annie gets Armin to cry and grieve - it's a reflection of the fact that I too want to care for someone in that kind of way. xD This is prolly TMI xD Sorry xD

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing Hmmm. Okay Moon, so, I'm very glad you started this series, tho it wasn't planned, it has made you very happy and you're managing to fill canon timeskips with something that is hopefully, making readers happy too.

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change? I'm really not sure xD I think it's mostly consistent thus far (?)

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting? I believe Falling into Neptune was received better than I expected. I hadn't written anything that intense in a very long time, so I was pleasantly surprised when it got a hotter reaction than I was expecting. It made me realize I can create tension without making the characters take off their clothes -- a fact I am a bit proud of T^T Sorry.

🤍what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"? Hmmm. So Time Falls like Moonlight is a mammoth of a story to get through, but I put a whole lot of thematic depiction in this (it literally has 10+ scenes) and maybe it is the fact that it's very long and also that it's got a sequel already going on, so it feels like people have glossed over it. But oh well xD I'm happy with the reactions I have received :3

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it. The Lamplighter, Tokyo Ghoul. A fic about the relationship between Amon and his foster father Donato, with a slightly supernatural/fantasy twist, but still remains true to canon. It has very little kudos or interaction but I expected that, because people usually come to read romantic pairing fics and this is strictly a father-son fic. I still really like it though, it's probably badly written for the me of today's POV, but it's got a special place in my heart xD

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of? O_O Oh.. uh...that's a thing? xD I totally didn't know! But what works for a pod-fic tho? Dialogue heavy fics? Action/emotional monologue heavy fics? Maybe everything works? In which case... anything really T_T I'd be over the moon (pun intended)

💋when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer? If they want to reply back, sure! Most of them do these days, tho there are fics I've left comments on recently which were written one or two years ago, and the authors are prolly busy with their lives. But I'm always happy to read their replies, no matter when that is :3!

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited! Oh, okay! Chapter 5 of VBEOW spoilers:

When done, she glances at Pieck who's still sitting on her stool, motionless and staring off into space, wet hair sticking to her back and shoulders, and a handful of shampoo resting on her knee, facing palm up.  "Pieck?"  "Hm?" "Are you not feeling… uh, want to go back?" "No," Pieck hums softly. She raises her cupped palm up. "Need to shampoo my hair but I'm feeling a little too tired." Annie lets her eyes roam over her deflated frame. Pieck, always buoyant and carefree, now limp and lifeless, and she’s never seen her like this before.

Thanks for the ask, tho this was completely an accident post #_#

[gallopinggold]

Some training thoughts post clinic

I definitely have a bit of a new game plan going forward after the clinic and I wanted to organize my thoughts:

Mary- I will never take for granted again how lucky I am to have a horse that is not only pretty. but smart too, because it's apparently rarer than I thought lol. Mary has been on the back burner for bit, since she's at home and no one other than me really has to handle her, she's just been chilling and I haven't done any formal work with her other than just playing around every now and then. I would like to restart her, essentially just working through a check list and see if we can reestablish and solidify our foundation. I think her foundation is pretty good already and it won't be a long process, but I just want to make sure everything is properly done so it doesn't come back and bite us later. I'm also using an actually clicker this time, instead of just a mouth sound, in hopes of again formalizing it a bit and getting better consistency. I use to be embarrassed to use the clicker at boarding barns because its so stigmatized and I didn't want Mary treated differently because of it 🙃 Now that she's at home I don't have to work about it.

The goal is to get through on ground cooperative care behaviors, then move to in hand lateral work and strengthening exercises, and eventually move to under saddle work. I really don't ride Mary anymore because frankly she doesn't like it, so I'd like to get her going really well in hand and then see if we can make under saddle work fun for her again. Her aversion to riding is mostly based in soundness issues, I believe, as she's always struggled on and off with her EPM damage. Her feet have been looking much better since I moved her home, so I'm hoping between that and enough ground work, we can work out her soreness and muscle weakness to get her comfortable enough for light riding.

So yeah, not a ton of changes with my original plan with Mary, just now going to try and make myself to do it consistently. Upside of clicker sessions is that they can be super short but still impactful, and since Mary is literally right there, it's a lot easier for me to squeeze out 10 minutes a day to work with her.

The alpacas- These gals a bit of different ballgame. The ultimate goal with these two are to: 1) get them halter broke 2) make shearing less stressful and 3) establish low stress cooperative care. One of the big challenges I've run into with them is that there's a lot of mandatory handling that has previously been aversive to them so they already have negative associations, but it's not stuff I can stop doing. Alpacas are very susceptible to a certain type of worm carried by deer, to the point where if the average temp is above 80F (which it is in my climate is May to November) they need an ivermectin injection every ~30 days. So the girls have no choice right now but to be "grabbed and stabbed" once a month, which obviously is going to just damage the trust relationship more and more. This is the big thing I want to make cooperative for them, if the injections can eventually be low stress, it would make all our lives easier.

Alpacas suffer from the same thing mini horses often do, where because of their size, they can be manhandled into doing things against their will without a huge danger to the handlers. So there's not really been a push with selective breeding for temperament or to domesticate them more, because it's not as important as coat quality etc. My gals are both older, so they've had years and years of baggage with humans to contend with. This is no shade to the farm they came from, they were treated fairly there and were loved and cared for, but they were treated like standard livestock, which doesn't prioritize the animals emotions and choice in matters.

Another alpaca challenge is that they are soo codependent. I could probably work with Sweets on her own as long as she can see her friends, but I will never (at least at this stage) be able to work Sara on her own. She would be so stressed about not being able to freely get back to her friends that we would never reach a level of relaxation. Learned that hard way when I separated her out to give her wormer, and even with the food dish right next to the fence where Mary and Sweets were literally a foot away, she got so panicked at not being able to freely get to them she broke a gate 🙃 I hope to eventually get her settled enough that it's not a big deal, but alpacas are super herd bound by nature, so that may never change, it just may be her base personality. So I will need to figure out how to work with them simultaneously. Mary I can kick out to the pasture, the alpacas and her are fine being separated, as long as it's not like hours, and just work with the alpacas, which is a win because she likes to hog the attention.

My girls are at pretty different places in their journey too.

Sara- she like, really does not like people right now. She's incredibly fearful and anxious about me. She pops over threshold quickly, and is so sensitive to any movement from me. She will occasionally get close to me when she doesn't think I'm paying attention to her, especially if Mary is close by, but will usually run if it looks like I'm moving towards her at all. The injections have not been great so far, the strategy we've had to employ is basically restricting her to smaller area with two people, and using her running from one person to drive her into the reach of the other. Not ideal, and definitely not helping her comfort level.

I'm going to use Shawna's strategy she recommends for the untouchable horse, because that's where Sara is at. The main idea of this is to give the animal back the control of the situation, so that they can build confidence in their safety. Some key aspects involve choice, so I need to do this in an area where Sara can freely come and go. It will completely fall apart if Sara can't freely leave, the whole point is to get Sara empowered in her decisions and prove to her that nothing bad will happen to her regardless if she stays or goes. Once I can get Sara to eat in a relaxed manner in the general area of me, I'll slowly start moving her food dish closer and closer to me, then get her to to the point where she can start taking food from my hand, and then eventually start seeking me out in a "feed and retreat" strategy. None of this will be using the clicker, and I'm not trying to get a specific behavior, I'm trying to take advantage of classical conditioning and rewire her brain from thinking humans are scary to humans are chill. Once we get her able to be consistently handled, then we can move on to working with the clicker to start target training and haltering and all that fun stuff.

Sweets- does not find people nearly as aversive as Sara. Sweets doesn't like being handled, but she doesn't run from me, nor seems to care too much once caught. I would put her firmly in the neutral category right now, so my goal with her is to push me into positive, and have her actively seek me out. The same goals apply, halter breaking and cooperative care, but I feel like at least I'm starting at like +1 instead of -50 like I am with Sara? I'm planning on sticking with the same sort of game plan, just hoping it won't be nearly as long or difficult with her. Since I have to feed the two alpaca girls together, I'll be working on the same general steps with her as I am with Sara.

[hell-yeah-jeboy-everyday]

Holla there, I hope that you have fun exploring this Jevil blog.

I recommend that you read below before you continue.

This is the side blog of @that-one-weird-kid-from-school; if you want to send hate to someone, send it there.

If you don't like eyestrain drawings, then you can just block me so that you don't see my drawings on your feed as I won't give an eyestrain warning every time.

Also, all my drawings are going to be highlighted style drawings, which are quicker and sloppier, so you will see me make obvious mistakes, like going outside the lines, not properly filled in spots and areas that have the wrong colours; and most importantly: every second page will have colour bleed from the previous pages:

Personally, I see this as charming, so I don't plan to fix that by getting a second notebook for the even pages; but if people complain, I might get one.

Also, my post-schedule might not be that consistent, sorry.

Rules for the art requests:

Before you give me a request to draw, please know that there are some limitations:

2: I do everything on paper, so please don't ask for something that requires digital edits, like Jevil being in a realistic place or holding a funny baby emote etcetera.

1: Don't ask for something not involving Jevil; this is a Jevil daily blog; you can ask for different characters accompanying Jevil, but not a character without Jevil; also, see rule 4 for more details about asking for other characters.

3: Don't ask me to draw Jevil in specific colour schemes as I only work with six colour highlighters: pink, orange, yellow, green, cyan and purple; you can, however, ask me to use these colours in a way that I haven't used before.

4: Don't ask for other characters to be with Jevil too often; it might be difficult to interpret them to a polychromatic colour scheme, and, unless that character was originally colourful, they might look horrible with rainbow colours, like Spamton; please, don't ask for Spamton, I hate how he turned out (unless you have a better idea of how he should be coloured)!

I have a handful of characters that I am quite happy with the design and that I don't mind if you guys ask for them; these are: B.I., Seam, Pastel Jevil (he's technically a different character, but since he's a Jevil, you can ask just for him to be in a solo drawing) and Jack by @/clowny-rolls which will look very similar to Pastel Jevil.

6: This is not a "don't do this" rule, but I encourage you guys to send in a Joker card that you want me to redraw as Jevil; if it's coloured, it will be Neon Jevil and if it's black and white, it will be Pastel Jevil; it might take longer to draw it because I have to print it...

5: Don't ask for fully coloured in backgrounds; I have to manually colour that in and it will be annoying, it might not look that even, it will be a waste of ink and it won't fit with that vibe.

7: Don't treat this as an ask blog; you send in drawing requests, not questions to Jevil; if you want to ask him, though, you can go to my other account @/that-one-weird-kid-from-school; I want to start an ask blog of me and Jevil there, but I need to prepare something before I officially open it; but I don't mind asking a few questions early~

8: This is a weird one, but Jevil can't change his appearance too drastically. This Jevil's clothes are a part of his skin, but he can shapeshift his clothes to look like different ones, but he can't change them too much, he still needs to have something around his neck, a cape, his hat, etcetera; I have two examples of what I mean, this old one and this one that you've probably seen here. Basically, don't ask for specific articles of clothing, but you can ask for vibes; also, Jevil can't remove his hat, but he can make it look like hair.

That is all that I have to say for now, but before I go; I see a lot of people that are unaware of a lot of [tumblr] communities, so I will share some Jevil communities.

(I currently have access to the invite link only to communities that I made, so I can only link those)

[midnightwriteson]

So I did get a question about how far along I am with my stories, compared to what I've posted. Not sure if this is the answer, but I figured I'd post anyway since this will give you a timeline.

Like My Soul is On Fire - Currently have 12 chapters posted. I need to update it on AO3, but I think for this half of the story there will be 18 total. I'm currently working on chapter 16 and I'm about 2100 words in at this point in time. I am planning on a sequel, so this will go up to the first half of the cannon events and then the sequel will be after the time skip. Bless Myself - Currently have 9 chapters posted This story is coming to an end. I have two more chapters to post and I have been putting off working on it a bit. It's the only story I don't have a cushion on. I will say chapter 10 will be big (already sitting at 3800 words and I am not done). I have plans to wrap up the story with chapter 10 and do a bit of an Epilogue. It has been a fun ride, but all good things have to come to an end I suppose. Bad Habits - Currently have 2 chapters posted. I have no idea how long this will be. This is a very self indulgent project, and it's based on research and fueled by the fandom's kinky thoughts that I've come across. I am up to chapter 5 (2000 words in) and I've written a scene for chapter 6 (2700 words in and counting) since I felt inspired to write a scene. My muse is all over the place, but I'm up for the challenge. I am having fun, though I feel like this story may take some darker turns than what I normally write with Wei Wuxian's past relationship (which will not only come up in conversation, but will also show up in person). Even though, I am ahead in some of the stories, but I'm sticking with my current bi-weekly posting schedule. The reason for that, I'm currently in training for a new job I started the last few days in August. Starting in October I'll be in the job a lot more, so I won't have as much freedom or time to write (I have to admit I've been writing on the clock when it gets slow. I'll be taking phone calls, so probably not a lot of time between calls to do it.) I will still have 3 days off, but I'm also working on moving my stuff to my new home so I'll be a little busy for a while here, but I'm going to try my hardest to maintain a consistent schedule

[wordtowords]

Veneration and Its Converse: Renting an Apartment in L.A. as a Retiree

veneration - n. - great respect; reverence

Although I have probably touched on this before, I feel I must state the obvious one more time: veneration is rare these days. It used to be that if you were a halfway decent person (meaning kind, compassionate, etc.) had money in the bank, the world was your oyster. Well, let's put it mildly, if you consider yourself to be venerated today, chances are you may have the attributes aforementioned, but you aren't sixty five or over.

Over the past weekend, I was hit with ageism head on while trying to rent an apartment in Los Angeles. Mind you, L.A. likes to bask in the often obfuscated light of a democratic state, well aware of the hazards of discrimination. In fact, there are placards posted in myriad places reminding the public reader that it just won't tolerate prejudice of any kind. Funny thing, though, every possible example of bias is mentioned except ageism. 

Case in point: admittedly, I, like many of my kind, am a senior citizen with a healthy portfolio and income coming from several sources. Fortunately, I can afford to lease an apartment in both New York and Los Angeles, albeit not simultaneously. In Los Angeles as in many other hot spots in the U.S., in order to secure an apartment, you must prove that your income is three times the monthly rent, which is not easy if the rent is 3K or more. The main problem, though, is that if you happen to be retired, there is no separate application for you. These conglomerates that own the luxurious resort hotel apartment complexes operate on a "one size fits all" policy. Basically, they are not interested in you if you do not have a steady job that pays you a high weekly salary, not even if you are a multi-millionaire sans an occupation other than gardening and golf. Their computer algorithms are created to accept only those who are gainfully employed, blind to the probable possibility that if they are living paycheck to paycheck, they could get laid off at any time, rendering them unable to pay the rent. Contrarily, New York real estate operates on the basis of common sense. In New York City, you have to prove you have fifty times your monthly rent in the bank, which is hard to do when the average price of a one bedroom is $4,500 (or $225,000 in the bank), of course, but most of the young renters have wealthy parents who can and do co-sign their leases for them. The real estate moguls in the City know that money in the bank pays the rent on time, not an iffy weekly salary. 

As for me, I liked a complex in the lush, tropical, yet pragmatic planned community of Playa Vista just south of Marina del Mar (both in L.A. county) and applied to rent at Runway, a sleek resort-style complex with all of the amenities you can think of in tow. Because Runway's rental application completely disregards retirees, I was rejected not once, but twice. After much frustration, I gave up on renting there (even though the leasing manager finally emailed me offering me the apartment and apologizing for the ineptitude of his colleagues and data base) and signed with a competitor who took one look at my portfolio and said, "You're approved with verification from your bank." Smart man. He did the mental math. 

Regardless of your particular age, it should not be so incredibly hard to rent an apartment these days. And landlords of any kind should not discriminate against cotton tops turned Clairol box tops like me who slaved for many, many years yet cannot boast that they are earning a consistent weekly paycheck. Correct your websites, people in this biz. Add a separate application for retirees or very lucky independently wealthy scions before you continue to embarrass yourselves. You're losing business due to your dearth of common sense. Money is money regardless of its source. That being said, as a new renter, I am still thrilled to be free of all the complications associated with homeownership. The algorithmic aggravation was well worth the transition from money pit to someone else's responsibility. To me, that is a taste of veneration right there.

[burning-sol]

I've got a lotta things to do but for now I'm focusing on JRWI Bang art and then I am very sad but I think I will be opting out of any future community events.. But! What I will be doing this year.

1. I'm going to be finishing all my dresses for dresstober @exandrothinadresseveryday so!! I am so real, send that blog so many one word prompts. I desperately need more just spam it with asks if u want.

2. I'm going to finish setting up the @apotheosis-post-daily blog which!! We are still looking out for more mods to chip in. You're not required to contribute any set days if you don't want to, and you can contribute any form of art you want, it can be writing or webweaves, literally anything.. Get in contact and I'll hook u up with the discord server!!

3. I will definitely be trying to go back through my catalogue of art to add alt text and organise my art blog @apothygrossest . I'll be putting together a proper commission sheet too even tho I know there probably won't be a lot of takers for that.

4. I'm going to continue to maintain all my sideblogs, the JRWI playlist, and I might try to be more proactive in terms of the @jrwi-in-text blog. But these all require a lotta consistent effort so I'm not gonna guarantee anything in that regard.

5. I'm also going to just generally clean up this blog I swear to you. I'm even gonna try to figure out how to code my own blog, because there have always been things I wanted to be more accessible or formatted differently!!

And of course I have all my existing art projects that have kinda been sitting there a while but I still plan on completing. There is quite a bit there so I'm not gonna make a whole list but there is art, writing and animations in there. I also might put out more original work, since I've had a lot of OC stuff on the backburner that I think would be cool to share.

So yeah!! ^w^ And if I don't follow through on any of these ur allowed to kill me.

[pendularium]

vaugeposting about one of my closest friends on a site he doesn't use just because I need to get this out and I don't really want any actual advice on what to do thank you very much

in case anyone actually does run into this and read it (unlikely) depression&suicidal ideation warnings I guess

I'm one of the most active members of every groupchat I'm in. The main one I'm going to rant about (because in my other friend group groupchat this Doesn't Happen) has around 15 members, with 10 of those being people who I'd consider actual friends rather than friends of friends.

Of those 10 I see some of them really often - one almost daily. And yet.

In the groupchat I am one of the most active, with two others maybe also being as active as me, I'm going to call the one I'll be talking about L (random letter, yes I know this isn't reddit).

My biggest issue is probably with L in that he responds to basically everything I say with fucking stock responses? Like I love him he's a wonderful human being, and I know irl the reason we're not that close is because neither of us try (imo we just have too similar of personalities...) This is a full on random vent post so. My other main issue with L is that I have tried to do stuff - and while he's been more receptive than Anyone Else (we also go to Uni together, and do a weekly-ish meet up in someone's room to hang out and drink, I have one of the largest rooms of any of us, I have offered it up repeatedly but noooo. Can't have that can we.) he still has very much just brushed me aside? Like he has tea sessions with some others, and he has acted all surprised that I wasn't invited - AS IN another of our friends casually said to me 'oh you know where L's room is, you go over for tea' and he's referenced happenings to me expecting me to get them (have I fucking watched brideshead revisited with you indeed), but he won't actually invite me.

and this + the stock responses stuff? It's partly the fault of online communication - where it is seemingly PERFECTLY FUCKING OKAY to just peace out of a conversation without saying anything?? like am I going insane or is it polite to just say bye. Especially on WhatsApp I can see that you have seen my message. Just say anything?? (But equally he gives me these same responses in person?)

(I know this is a me problem, another friend who's on the gc has said before that he thinks it's rude if people reply saying that they can't attend something rather than just not responding. needless to say I disagree...+ just general life stuff)

Like L is physically one of the closest of my friends at uni, as in we live in buildings right next to each other, but I just. I don't connect with him. He doesn't initiate conversation with me. nobody does.

I remember reading a while ago about a guy who felt like he hadn't really made any friends, and so just stopped responding to the people he knew to test if they'd get back to him, and they didn't. And later on he went to therapy and realised that he didn't initiate anything, and that he was putting the whole burden of friendship on them. I remember reading that and thinking is this me? do I not do enough? But equally, I have suggested outings and been ignored or rejected or have only one to two people respond. I try to start conversations, I tell people about my life, ask them how they're doing. And still I feel like I'm alone.

A few years ago, before I got into uni, I was incredibly depressed. Had a plan and everything. Gave myself an ultimatum. One of the areas that distressed me the most was feeling like I just couldn't connect with my friends. I know now why - I can rationalise it out; one was having similarly dire mental crises, with another our interests had just drifted apart over time, and with a third it was a deeply toxic relationship that consisted of her constantly lying and being cruel, and me silently hating her but still staying friends out of fear? pity?

There's a difference between being lonely and being alone. One of those you can feel even when surrounded by people who'd all call themselves friend.

I'm a lot older now than I was then. After lockdowns, I moved to a new area, met new people, and like. I felt good about myself and life again. I started going on walks, looking up at the stars at night and seeing how light fell across fields of wheat in the morning. Laughed more, was just generally happier than I felt like I'd ever been. And a key part of that was my friends at the time; unlike now, friendship felt easy, uncomplicated.

And now I'm back in the same place, older and ostensibly wiser, but really just stuck. Different location, different people, but there's something always in the way, and that something seems to lie exclusively with me.

My mother also has had a hard time making and keeping friends, ended up in several friendships where she gave everything to the other person in exchange for what would always turn out to be empty words and hurt. I don't want to be like her.

I want to talk to my friends, tell them about this, sit down and just say how I feel. Ask if we're friends, if L knows he's doing this. Get their side of everything! But equally, how can I do that? I know some of what L's been through in the past with emotionally unstable people, I don't want to just be that same person, put it all on him, because who else would listen!

but sometimes I'm not sure I really want to exist anymore. I don't want to die, just...stop. become nothingness, never was, never will be.

if I did die. did just walk into a road one day and get hit by a car, or have an aneurism, or just stopped working one day, act of god style, would they notice would they care? of course. but I'd never change anyone's life, and it feels selfish just saying that but. I'm an afterthought in the friend bubble, something disposable. if I left the group chat today, left the earth tomorrow, they might wonder, might even cry, but wouldn't care. I'd just be a name in a list, someone else gone.

I want to have friends.

I try to.