#i still felt so heavy
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im not handling it well folks
#im going to try my hardest to take a break from tumblr#funny. on oct 15 i said: no more tumblr. too much hate and discourse.#and ...#it was very comforting the first days but now im just so sad? i seriously cant move on and i think its bc of me being here#i see liam and im sad#i see any of the boys and im sad#i see posts from before oct 16 and im sad#i see posts from after oct 16 an im sad#any 1d mention#any death and grief#everything is hitting me bad#i see other celebrities i get sad#liam was finally on his way to make more music he loved. and sharing it with everybody. he should be here. alive.#i still have hotel and balcony filtered#i saw some weird blog investigating liam's passing???? what the fuck#im just so sad#im scared of checking facebook and insta. also knowing theres still ppl talking about this in a disrespectful way. people hating.#im trying not to let it get to me but it is affecting me#i dont know if me avoiding social media and any 1d mention will help#i tried reading fic bc i love fanfics so much (just hl i cant really read the other boys) but i couldnt#i still felt so heavy#pehwjkrhfkjhgg how do you do this#it really will hurt a lifetime#i will try to check in when zayn starts tour#goddddd poor darling#im saaaaaaaaad#much love yall <3#it did made me happy seeing you guys reblog stuff with love and fond. keep it going<3#will stick with youtube and twitch lol#🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
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#happy anniversary to remembering this actually happened 😘✌️
Loki S2 Anniversary x Episode 5 - “Science/Fiction”
#mobius#loki#lokius#mcuedit#lokiedit#marveledit#hit pause on everything in favor of rewatching ep 5 the beloved rom com which is always the right choice 😔🙏#real talk y'all the elation felt after hearing the words 'single dad' might never be matched in my lifetime and i'm so okay with that#also the way don was over here doing all the heavy lifting lmao??#like this mysterious stranger sure ain't smooth but at least he's hot asldfjslkfjsgk#'are you still on the market' is just as insane as the fit check btw the hits really just kept on coming 💕#owen wilson#tom hiddleston#marvel#owenwilsonedit#dianagifs#(and yes my ep 4 set was ready but i was too busy with halloween asks to post earlier so we'll jump back to that one later 😂)
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my favorite part of all this is cjack has just become an avid gambler. like go off king lmao
#dsmp#jack manifold#obligatory post because it felt wrong not to#idk man something about owing my younger self an opportunity to talk about the thing they cared so much about#now that I actually can#I was a heavy lurker during damp’s peak and only made actual accounts long after my interest faded#so idk I’m weirdly emotional and I couldn’t think of a better post lmao#anyways#goodnight dsmp#and goodnight past me#I’ll still be here if you ever wake up again#:D#I’m gonna go get some water don’t mind my rambling
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Who is Vegetta?
Had to wait until my hands stopped shaking for this one, I love Vegetta so much. He was recently — miraculously — announced for the QSMP, so here's a rundown for English fans of both who he is and his lore.
Vegetta777 is a Spanish Youtuber who is one of, if not THE biggest pillar of the Spanish community. He's been doing content for over 15 years now.
He's the creator of the Karmaland series, which he started when he was around Quackity's age.
I cannot emphasize enough: Vegetta doesn't do series or events or tournaments EVER, so him accepting the invitation is a huge deal. This was his exact commentary on it:
Vegetta: Quackity me invitó hace tiempo y le dije que no suelo entrar a series que yo puedo controlar, pero le he dado ese voto de confianza, además le pregunté como sería la serie porque no quería nada competitivo y quackity me dijo que no me preocupara por nada. [...] Si yo confíe en quackity y él confío en mi para Karmaland pues yo le doy ese voto de confianza para esta serie que está haciendo y además se le veía emocionado al chaval, si te soy sincero, Quackity el hijo de Rubius de cierto modo Translation: Quackity invited me a while ago and I told him that I don't usually enter series that I can't control, but I have given him that vote of confidence, I also asked him how the series would be because I didn't want anything competitive, and Quackity told me not to worry about anything (does this confirm QSMP is an RP server? 🤔) [...] If I trust Quackity and he trusts me for Karmaland, well, I give him that vote of confidence for this series he's doing. And also the boy looked excited, if I'm honest, Quackity's the son of Rubius in a certain way. (🥺💕)
Vegetta is very fond of Quackity after interacting with him in Karmaland 5, and he's spoken multiple times about how much Quackity's impressed him. He also said Quackity will be bigger than him someday :') He's very supportive of the new generation, and he spoke highly of Spreen today too.
Vegetta is one of the most talented Minecraft builders out there, and he's fast
While most of the other Karmaland boys were still living in basic houses, Vegetta built a CASTLE within a super short time
Vegetta loves cats. In Karmaland he had an entire cat rescue with 50+ cats (and yes, he’s named every single one of them). IRL, he shares lots of adorable cat photos and videos.
His skin, like his name, is based on the Dragon Ball character Vegeta. Vegetta777 is basically the yassified version of Vegeta (just like Phil is the yassified version of Uruhara).
In Karmaland 5, Vegetta was a bit of a wizard, and he had a flock of crows / ravens (remind you of anyone?)
Vegetta is sometimes called "the father of Minecraft", so many people (myself included) are ESPECIALLY excited to see him and Phil interact because they have a lot of similarities.
Vegetta is one of the heroes of Karmaland and the unofficial leader of their group. In terms of lore, he's essentially a demigod / minor god, though it's not as direct as Sapo Peta's contact with them.
Vegetta is typically a staunch rule-follower, however, since he's not in control of the series, he said: "I feel like Rubius: 'Let's see what I can do to destroy everything, let's look for all the legal loopholes,' get ready Quackity, I'm the new Rubius!" (LMAO)
Vegetta’s the king of “stay in your own lane” he never gets into drama or gets involved in controversies, he just watches the dumpster fires from the sidelines like the rest of us
He almost never wears a shirt in the series (and honestly? Good for him)
His character is also, canonically, absolutely shredded
It's impossible to talk about Vegetta's lore without also talking about Rubius, so buckle in because this one's a doozy. I can't cover everything without this post becoming longer than it already is, but I'll do my best to summarize what I can:
Starting with Karmaland 4 and continuing into Karmaland 5 and beyond, Rubius and Vegetta have created the world's most torturous slow-burn telenovela-esque love story.
Rubegetta (Rubius x Vegetta) is the most popular Karmaland ship that, to some extent, has become an inside joke between the boys and the community. I'll elaborate on this more in Rubius' post.
To simplify years and years of lore and drama, Rubius and Vegetta love each other, but they are incapable of being in an actual relationship. I've talked about it in depth before, but Vegetta said it best in this metaphor-filled exchange with Sapo Peta and Willy: Sapo Peta: I wanted to ask you about your relationship with that Rubius guy. Vegetta: Oh, yes well Rubius likes to be with me a lot, but at the same time he likes to snack everywhere, and he never finishes eating the morcilla (blood sausage). Sapo Peta: So he rejects you? Vegetta: It's not that he rejects me, it's that it doesn't finish clearing up, you know? We could say that our relationship is like a hamburger. WiIIy: You prepare it and he doesn't eat it. Vegetta: Exactly, he doesn't finish you know?
Or, as another person phrased it:
The fault doesn't just lie with Rubius however; Vegetta himself can be pretty oblivious.
In Karmaland 4, despite the fact Rubius and Vegetta had a kid together and got married, it still didn't resolve anything. As soon as the vows were said and they were married, Rubius revealed it was all just a ploy to get Vegetta's diamonds and immediately asked for a divorce.
You can watch a translated animation of the entire wedding here.
In Karmaland 5, after deciding he'd had enough of Rubius' BS, Vegetta decided to marry someone else (Lolito), but Rubius burst in at the last moment to stop the wedding. We all thought he'd finally confess his love and stop being so emotionally constipated, but instead he proposed to Lolito solely so Vegetta would remain single. (They're a mess, what can I say)
To quote a meme shared by another Spanish fan, Vegetta's reaction to that was basically: “You don’t want me to be with you, and you don’t want me to be with someone else. How miserable do I have to be for you to be happy?”
I do want to emphasize that even though Rubius and Vegetta sometimes have relationship issues / communication issues, it doesn’t diminish their friendship in the slightest. Even after both wedding disasters, they were back to speaking to each other the next week, being flirty and laughing together. Yes, they have issues, but their love for each other remains – despite everything.
(I should also note here that, even while engaged to Lolito, Vegetta was still flirty with Rubius).
Vegetta is very close friends with Luzu, who supported him during the fallout from both failed marriages.
In Karmaland 4, Rubius and Vegetta had a son named Brayan Dobluque (a mix of both their names).
There's too much Rubegetta lore for me to cover everything, but Glay has a massive thread of translated Rubegetta clips I highly recommend watching if you'd like more context.
One clip I recommend is the Meteor date, which is one of the few instances where Rubius is honest vis-à-vis his emotions with Vegetta.
As a whole, their friendship / relationship is a romcom novela for sure, but sometimes they'll catch you off-guard with some romantic BS that'll make your heart ache. They really do love each other; they just don't know how to commit.
Vegetta is bi! (Both real life Vegetta and character Vegetta). Pretty much every single character in Karmaland is on the ‘ol rainbow spectrum somewhere.
Lore aside, I feel like Vegetta, and pretty much all the Karmaland boys in general, have the least machismo (toxic masculinity) I've ever seen. They're all genuinely sweet guys who aren't afraid to be flirty and play gay characters in their queer little telenovela Minecraft series. (With the exception of Willy, who we like to joke is the "token straight friend"). Vegetta's a cool guy, and he's a great addition to the QSMP. I'm excited for you all to meet him!
Other info posts:
Who is Sapo Peta? | Who is Luzu? | Who is Spreen?
#Karmaland#Vegetta#Vegetta777#QSMP#Quackity#IM SO EXCITED FOR VEGETTA AND PHIL TO MEET AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#I actually don't think Vegetta knows English but I don't even care. Phil barely knows spanish but I still want them to interact#even if they silently build something together That Will Be Enough#also I know I've been real heavy on the text posts lately I don't normally make this many text posts#it feels nice to talk about stuff though it's been a long long time since I've felt this motivated#and happy#QSMP info
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Harry Potter is something of an impossibility and an inevitability all at once.
Tom has only started to understand and come to terms with this recently. In the darker hours of his harsher nights, when anger and rage come like maelstrom waves, the comforting weight of Harry’s hand on his shoulder guides and steadies him, mooring him ashore. He may rock, nearly tip, but Harry is always there noose-tight.
Hush, he says. Sit with me.
Tom does. His reeling no match to Harry’s.
A hollow longing is replaced and forgotten in his presence, and Tom thinks - I could love him.
#tomarry#tomarrymort#my fic#drabble#for those who are nosey - like me:#i had to keep this at 100 words to stay in line with the drabble exercise but i still almost made the last line -#and tom thinks he may love him#- i was tempted to leave it like that because there’s something there#something heavy like asking for permission#it’s almost a relief like wow he may love him?? he’s allowed to do that?? a sudden clarity#but it felt too confusing with no additional explanation#so… could it is!
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wish house was a real doctor so i could be his mystery insomniac patient and after giving me horse tranquilizers and still not falling asleep he just hits me in the head with his cane and im out like a light
#house md#i was supposed yo be asleep 2 hrs ago cause i planned to get up very early to study but LMAO NO#as soon as i shut my eyes my chest felt like it was being ripped to shreds from anxiety. i love i love it i love it (←says guy who hates it#anyways. i got mad i cried i googled some things frantically and now im in an acceptance phase of 'it is what it is' ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#i think the thing that makes me the most frustrated is that. i slept like shit last night. like 4hrs maybe!!!! total!!! and so by the time#i started studying today around 6:30 i was eepy. and then by 7:15 my eyes were sooo heavy so i decided to take a 15 min power nap#and i was DREAMING within minutes. i fell asleep that quick. such a deep sleep that my alarm scared me awake#but ofc when im like oh teehee ill go to bet hella early and wake up hella early my brain is like ? no.#if youre still reading. idk im kissing you on the mouth or something. thanks for being here 🫶#gonna start tagging these posts as#insomnia chronicles
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I think its really cute that Manuel gets the most love from comments! I think he deserves it, because even I have dubbed him as the Best Boy. But, Mani has mixed feelings about receiving praise and being considered the favorite. He’d sooner think people are lying to him than believe they actually like him that much. Because, why would they?
His view of himself comes from years of being stuck in the middle.
#los brujos#manuel#adrian#victor#my art#IF I CAN just get a little heavy in the tags for a sec#cw: talking about race and body image stuff#not mentioned in this little comic because i didnt want it to be TOO sad#manuel was bullied a lot in school and it affected his self confidence a looot#technically they ALL were to an extent#but Manuel had a very hard time not only being big but also Black#people were unkind and he felt better disappearing to avoid getting sneers from anyone#but that was pretty much impossible when he became so tall#though puertorican culture has a huge African/Black influence it still suffers from colorism and racism#and it would be dishonest to write a story about afroboricuas and not touch that subject even slightly#i just didn’t feel like info dumping in a comic about ALL THAT#cuz really the anons were just being cute#sorry to ramble
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cosplanning for the next con... hello
#I spent so long on the wig... 😭#I've never worn a wig before#so I didn't really know how to do it#and I'm still not sure if I like it#frieren doesn't have those hair clips but I need them otherwise the bangs get in my face#the pigtails are also so heavy#I took the whole cosplay off and felt ready for a nap loooolll#I'll practice doing her hairstyle on myself in case I end up ditching the wig#the con isn't for a while so I have time#zzzzzzzz.....
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Seven(ish) Sentence Sunday ✍️
Tagged by @diazsdimples @giddyupbuck and @wikiangela. Thank you lovelies mwah 😘
Have a little something from LA Lonely -> this is after the fun and orgasms of Buck and Eddie’s hook up. Still don’t know if I’m going to go full spice 🌶️ or just do a quick little run down of things.
Prev snippet & mood board here
Buck expects him to start pulling his clothes on and to give him the whole “this was fun, but I gotta bounce” speel, but Eddie surprises him by climbing back into bed and nudging Buck to roll onto his side so Eddie can scoot up behind him and hold him.
Buck freezes for a moment because no one does this. They have their fun and then they leave. They don’t stay and they definitely don’t cuddle.
Eddie must feel him go tense because his hold loosens and he moves as if he’s about to pull away. “Is this okay?”
Buck grabs at the arms that are wrapped around him, stopping Eddie’s descent. “Y-yeah. It’s-it’s okay.” He pulls at Eddie’s arms and the man settles back behind him, burrowing his face into the juncture where Buck’s neck meets his shoulder as he shuffles closer.
Soft kisses are pressed into his skin and Buck is helpless but to relax back into Eddie, letting the comfort and warmth of whatever is happening wrap around him.
“Stay?” He whispers, not sure if Eddie can hear him but not being brave enough to say it any louder. He feels like he’s asking too much.
A kiss behind his ear. “Okay.”
No pressure tagging: @hippolotamus @puppyboybuckley @exhuastedpigeon @spotsandsocks @devirnis @wikiangela @hoodie-buck @honestlydarkprincess @homerforsure @monsterrae1 @missmagooglie @mellaithwen @nmcggg @lover-of-mine @ladydorian05 @loserdiaz @bekkachaos @wildlife4life @watchyourbuck @weewootruck @elvensorceress @eddiebabygirldiaz @evanbegins @rewritetheending @rainbow-nerdss @captain-hen @jeeyuns @jesuisici33 @glorious-spoon @fortheloveofbuddie @fiona-fififi @disasterbuckdiaz @thewolvesof1998 @try-set-me-on-fire @theotherbuckley @steadfastsaturnsrings @tizniz @athenagranted @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @spagheddiediaz @sunshinediaz and as always, anyone else who wants to share something -> consider this your tag ☺️
#daffi writes#wip: la lonely#buddie wip#buddie#besides posting yesterday I’ve been a bit quiet with wip tag games.#There’s some heavy shit going on in part of my extended family which has emotionally sucker punched me and my husband#Creative energy is running on exhaust fumes which makes me sad cos I felt like I’d just gotten my rhythm back.#so when this idea hit me and some words flowed … I ran with it#I’m still tip tap tying away Rivals 🚒. It’s just going slower than I want#even this new wip is going slower than I want#but hey I can’t rush things and my brain is doing its best right now#*kisses brain gently*#I’m trying to look after me and I hope you’re trying to look after you as best you can which can look different day to day#you’re doing amazing and ily ❤️#okay I’ve finished my very long speel in the tags xx#ps. please keep tagging me in things .. I love supporting and cheering on my pocket pals 🥰
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Lil doodles from last night
#my art stuff#doodles#sketches#astarion#bat#batstarion#I feel the need to specify this is spawn Astarion with mods cus Ascended Astarion makes me sad but I still want my sweet to get to fly#and also be fluffy and even easier to carry around in my huge arms#we taught him some sorta wild shape spell or something - don’t ask about it#tav#tiefling tav#durge#tiefling durge#baldur's gate 3#bg3#TINY BAT DOES BIG STRONG FLAP#He was upset his leader+multiclass rogue boyfriend gets to do all the fun sneaking#so he wanted to help - despite usually enyojing not having to do any work#but it felt unfair that he only gets to shoot from a distance#or do extremely heavy lifting on the damage department with none of the fun of it#so he gets to help with a surprise attack (and then immediately retreat into my arms during and post battle#cus his lil armsies hurt like HELL after flying my goliath of a body for any amount of time#He was prolly close to dropping me but I have every bit of trust in him to carry through his word! 😤#gods - I wanna spoil him to the ends of faerûn and back#I love him so much.#kisses#both just as a tag for the post and also cus that’s the main thing I’ll be providing him with
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I'm not allowed to be on social media for more than two seconds today but I just wanted to say that Laios will absolutely have his own reaction to all this as someone who would die for Falin but has also imprinted on Marcille as his Emotional Support Comphet White Girl Not-Girlfriend along the way
#a little creature#sometimes i look at the way i want marcille to be the closest thing hes ever had to a girlfriend but in a 100% platonic way and im like#is this what they mean by queerplatonic or have i just never had a dude best friend who wasnt like. a super fruity gay twink#anyway its gonna be as hard on him as it is for us bc he loves them both so much#the most important women in his life bar none#marcille probably slapped him when she got back tho. like she just saw his face and all the misdirected anger at him 'taking falin' just#rose up and burst again#its ok tho. you know she immediately broke down crying in his arms again blubbering incoherently bc she felt bad but also shes still mad#and she just doesnt know what to do with herself#the hardest part about this fic is that like. there are SO many juicy things going on offscreen#but. i have to breathe deep and keep calm and let them happen out of falin's POV#the ryoko kui method. what happens in the story happens and what happens outside can be explored in extras if need be#edit: also just figured out why ive been chafing a *little* bit against ppl assuming that it's the fear of falin dying that motivated#marcille's denial of her feelings so far#bc it's technically true but something just didn't sit right and i didn't wanna say anything until i figured it out#in little creature she has in part already realized that falin's passing is going to hurt no matter what she does right now#bc she's already passed the threshold of preemptive grief and sealed her own fate by how much she cares about falin#so it's not really... about that as much as it would have been during the canon story#it's just that. to acknowledge that she has romantic feelings for falin means recontextualizing their relationship in a way where#she has been the one hopelessly chasing while falin didn't realize/ignored her for the most part#and she couldnt allow that to be true both bc she couldnt bear to make falin the 'villain' in her love story#and bc she subconsciously knew the scope of pain would be too much for her to handle#so now my problem is. how do i make that clear in the fic from falin's POV without getting too heavy handed about it
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wanna add to the collection?
he/they ; cishets and women-centric blogs dni
ko-fi
#THANK YOU TO VAMPYDOG FOR THE BITES !!!!!!!!!!!!!#these felt so good they still feel so good i am sore and achey and i want more >:3#nsft#trans nsft#mine#me#also ft my new collar :0 i love it its so comfy and heavy and great
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"Cuhut it out- you guys!" "Nu-uh, not until you're all perked up first! You don't want those gym challengers meetin' with an ol' mopey leader, do ya?" "Whitney's right, dear friend. No need to hide that beautiful smile of yours, alright?~"
What it takes to cheer up Johto's beloved ghost boy 👻💕
#some incredibly self-indulgent fluff for my own sake SKJDFSNDFS#Morty was having one of Those days where the weight of his responsibilities as leader and expectations as someone meant to bring back Ho-Oh#-felt a little too heavy to handle (more so than usual)#luckily his best friends (and mayhaps crush of nearly an entire decade) are here to take a stand against his low mood 🤼#I've been having brainrot of Whitney's dynamics with these two alrighttttt they all deserve to be silly with each other#best wingman award goes to this girlie for putting up with these two's mutual pining antics for years sdkfjskjdfh#the way I see it Morty and Whitney were besties way back before they had even become leaders (with Morty being the older between them)#there were definitely rumors going around between their towns about how they're an item#when the reality is that Whitney's more focused on winning the affections of the other cute girls she hangs out with#while Morty's a repressed gay lad burdened with religious guilt SDJFHUISJDNFS /LH /LH#the second Whitney caught wind of Morty actually developing a crush on someone you just Know she was on his ass Immediately#asking about aaall the details--who he is- what he does- how he dresses- if he could even conceivably pass her standards of how a--#--fitting partner for her best friend's meant to be#to which an incredibly exasperated Morty struggles to answer because Eusine is just beyond his comprehension /affectionate#when Whitney does eventually get to meet him in person the first time she most certainly takes a jab at his fashion sense SDKJFSDFNS#BUT they do end up getting along a lot better than Morty braced for- which was a huge relief to him#it soon reaches that point where Eusine's secretly asking her for details on the things Morty likes and how to possibly impress him#all the while Morty's asking her for advice on how he could cope with his feelings when he's still unsure on whether they'd be requited#Whitney finds the whole ordeal simultaneously very funny and perhaps one of the most frustrating things imaginable SDKJFSKDNFS#enough of me yapping thouuughhhhhh I should save that for its own post 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️#pokemon tickle#gym leader morty#morty pokemon#gym leader whitney#whitney pokemon#mystery man eusine#eusine pokemon#eusine#lee!morty#ler!eusine
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my thoughts re: how did dan and phil kiss in october and still not start dating until december? from @omatone-dnp's post here :)
i'm sorry in advance for how much forbidden material i'm bringing up here, i feel bad about it which is why i'm putting it under the cut so i can delete this if i want to
so obviously we know they talked online & on skype for months before they decided to meet up in person, and they were heavyyy on the flirting. but we also know that these online spaces were the only places dan and phil were able to be 100% openly queer, so it's natural that they both put on a persona to some extent. this was the time for them to explore who they were & who they wanted to be. dan says he assumed phil would be this super confident smooth guy but then he was awkward and dorky irl, and it was kind of the reverse for phil about dan.
phil might have felt a lot of pressure to be a good example considering he was older, he was someone dan liked on youtube, and phil was one of, if not the first, gay man dan had met. but phil didn't have much romantic experience (...his heart had never done the flippy over thing..............) so i can imagine he felt even more scared of screwing things up. we know he was super nervous the day they met and that he didn't make the first move. i think he wanted to leave that to dan because 1. he didn't know if dan actually liked him or if he was just confused, and 2. he wanted to go at dan's pace for the reasons i mentioned above. we also know that phil had a hard time verbalizing his emotions / understanding them, so he might have wanted to go slower on the romance front too, so he could have time to process everything. he talked quite a bit about how he didn't know where he wanted to go in his life, feeling lost without being in school anymore, and that his family was pressuring him to sort his life out. that's a lot to deal with all at once and adding a serious relationship on top of that can be hard.
for dan, i think the early days were more about finding inner confidence in himself than they were about purposely forming a long term relationship. phil is the one who encouraged dan to make youtube videos, which he'd dreamed about but never thought he would be good enough. phil made him feel safer than he'd felt since he was a tiny child. he introduced him to other queer people and then to his family, who welcomed dan with love (though we don't know how much they actually knew at the time). it was more than just romantic!! it was something dan really needed! :(
at this time, both of them were constantly talking about how they're trying to figure out what to do with their lives, with dan being in his gap year and phil being fresh out of college. it was a transitional period for both of them in very different ways. they weren't even sure if they were going to meet irl, they kept going back and forth about the train tickets for a few months before dan finally bought one. i think as soon as he bought it, he decided he was going to shoot his shot and worry about everything else later.
also, dan was in a relationship with his girlfriend for 3 years, and while we don't know when or how they broke up, he has some tweets indicating that they were still together in 2009 when he began talking to phil online, or at least that dan was still conflicted about the breakup. let me clarify that i'm not saying dan cheated, none of us have any idea what happened and it seems more like their relationship came to a natural conclusion when she moved away for uni, along with all of dan's irl friends which he talked about frequently. i'm more so bringing this up because it marks a shift in how dan talked about love and relationships.
for example, all of these tweets happened in october 2009, right before he met up with phil:
but fast forward to THAT week in december and dan has a completely different perspective on love:
this is the main reason why december makes so much more sense to me as their anniversary. october was about taking a leap of faith even though both of them were afraid of getting it wrong. november was about testing the waters and figuring out how they could logistically make things work, while they were building their bond. december was about finally letting go of all those fears in the pursuit of a happier future for both of them ;-;
#sorry it took me so long to write this probably no one gaf anymore#but i'm still here 😭#this is so heavy on dan's feelings because he could not stop tweeting to save his lifeeeee and it's harder to guess how phil felt#but i tried based on what we do know#titspoilers#technically?#*
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Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.
I don't have external meltdowns.
I could. I don't let it happen.
I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.
So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.
She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.
Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].
It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.
They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.
I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.
I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.
I couldn't understand what made her like this.
But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.
If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.
And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*
And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?
My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.
Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???
And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.
I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*
She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.
I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.
So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.
But I told her hundreds of times.
I probably should have just screamed at her.
#good stay out of our yard' and he didn't seem to know what to say to that#but other than that I don't think anyone in my adult life has ever seen me turn aggressive at all to the point where people 100% like to#play games of testing my patience and my boundaries because they think my tolerance is infinite#but like I have autistic rage tantrums on both sides of my family and they are just happening inside my head#And somehow it took me until now to realize that being that way was actually -expected- of me by my parents and especially my mother#and that by keeping myself outwardly level headed to be considerate I actually took away whatever signals she can understand#to have empathy for how I must be feeling#I mean it's still all on her#but it makes so much sense of why she's fucking *like this*#And why my sister thinks I hate her just because -she- stopped texting -me-#but that fucking guy#Every time I was like#In my adult life I have screamed at someone ONE whole time and it was 1000% deserved#And I threw heavy objects around one whole other time and in my defense I didn't do it in front of the guy he just felt the ground shaking#heard the thuds and came back to the logs blocking his path because that fucker wouldn't stop parking in our yard after being asked#and then TOLD not to about 10 times because he was acting entitled to just park in our yard and was crushing my plants???#seriously I don't know what his deal was but he wouldn't stop telling me how much the ground shaking scared him like it was supposed#to get my pity like I think this guy took one look at the logs I had just tossed down and was suddenly afraid of this “woman” he was#bullying in their own yard and so my ability to feel bad for scaring him had gone straight out the fucking window#I looked at him and said stop parking in our yard instead of your own you are killing my plants#he'd just fucking be like 'well the last people to live here let us D: :)“ and I'd be like ”good for them?“ ”stop“#and he'd just keep doing it#I was having a week of insomnia and was finally having the best dream#the kind of sex dream you have like twice in your life#and this fucker had just gotten some noisy ass little bike with a spoiler on it#and starts it up right under my window at 3am from IN OUR FUCKING YARD#so I had a nice long anger nap and just after he got home from work and was sleeping in his house#I picked up these chunks of deadwood tree from the back#there was like 3-4 logs that used to be a WHOLEASS fucking oak tree Like these logs were not as heavy as they -looked- but they were still#this fucker deleted half the tags I wrote and I am not retyping that fuck you tumblr so fucking hard
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i drew a streamer i started watching recently who was playing LN1~
their name is obakechan !
#my art#art q#cell shading#chibi#misc bg#little nightmares#fanart#in other news i am slowly recovering from the whole like#being possessive of my art and artstyle#after the whole bunsong youtube series of unfortunate events plus dailycelebi#so if you wanted to ask how i do any certain things i am very likely to share now..!#i still say dont heavy ref my art and post it#like u can do that to learn privately#but otherwise idk i am overcoming it#oh and dont heavy reference my commission work ofc thats for the paying customer#anyways this took me like 20 or 30 mins#actually i can check#yeah 21 mins#i should stream little nightmares again#also i recognise my possessiveness of my art was partly cuz like i was not at all used to being seen outside my friends anyways#and my art is a big part of my identity#so seeing someone copy it as best as they could was very unsettling at the time#but after a lot of introspection and breaking down why i felt that way i started to recover after realising that like#people doing that arent stripping me of my identity and wearing it right#they just liked my art#except the users who traced or heavy reffed my shit and didnt credit me nor ask and then sold it those guys dont count#but yeah im still figuring it all out internally#actually making those bases really helped !!
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