#i still feel like im going to die any second but ill be fine (they are terrified)

[dogaquarium]

Having an utterly miserable night where you lay in bed for hours thinking if you dont open your eyes every 5 minutes you're going to die is generally not paired well with having a dream about someone dying and experiencing a years long purgatory sort of space until finally having to accept their passing on but at least it was cool

[divinelolita]

heyyy boo boo bear🥰🥰🥰

so i finally thought of smth(kinda did i alr send this) AHEM full band(separately headcannons cause aint nobody wanna write alat) with s bf who is a BIG ASS ppl pleaser(wait wait this aint the main idea)

so

imagine reader prolly always gets his back blown out but he's always giving the aftercare(like them mfs dont have a choice) and on one particular round or smth reader didn't tell them to stop when he started to feel lightheaded n shit cause he could hear them whispering how good this was etc etc so he was about to pass out or smth like that(he didn't he survived) yet he STILL offered to give aftercare like a mf idiot(me)

ANYWAY im in school but i had to give u this idea frfr

BAND X PEOPLE PLEASER READER

HELP I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE PURE FLUFF UNTIL I GOT TO THE FUCKING BACK BLOWN OUTTTTT

(contains nsfw themes so if you don't like that don't read)

BILL:

・He's 50/50 on noticing small things like this

・But he's in such a euphoric state, whimpers leaving his lips as he rams into you with his hands wrapped around your waist

・Listening to you tell him how good he is, but over time your words die down and eventually your silent.

・He can barley ask if your okay, nearly stopping his movements. He would've stopped completely if it weren't for you telling him to keep going. As long as he felt good, right?

・After climax (EWWWAHHH) he leans knto your neck, smiling as he hears you begin to ask that amazing question

"Wanna go show-"

"yes."

・He just likes your fingers running through his hair, massaging his scalp as you rub the conditioner in.

・He's been itching to ask if you were really okay, he doesn't want to seem too worried or overreactive. He can already feel tears prickling his eyes as yo hesitate to ask at the startxbefore admitting to feeling ill.

・God fucking damn it..I should've stopped I-"

"It's not your fault, babe.."

・Cuddling you for the rest of the day (or night), not being able to take his hands off you as he tries to make it up to you.

・No like...literally can't take his hands off you. If you eat later that day he seats you on his lap.

TOM:

・He gets caught up in his own pleasure.

・Like he won't really notice it when you slowly stop responding, or when you go a little too limp

・He's in some sorta headspace 😭

・Whispering to you how good you feel around him, how perfect you are..

・After allat, he eventually snaps out of it and notices how your barley making any noise or aren't talking

"M/N? .. M/N you okay???"

"Hmmm..? Yeah I'm good..wanna take a bath with me.?"

・During aftercare he keeps asking if you're okay under his breath, kissing your cheeks as you rest in the tub together.

・If you actually confess to feeling ill or lightheaded his heart stops for a second

・HE ACTUALLY FEELS SO BAD STOPPP

・Like he'd kinda try to hide it, but eventually emotions get the best of him and soon enough he's holding back tears apologizing to you kissing over your neck, ignoring you when you say you were fine.

GEORG:

・Like Tom, he's not exactly the best..

・Telling you how good you are for him under his breath, not exactly noticing you slowly stopped responding.

・Can't help but feel concerned, unsure if he should stop or keep going

・He nearly did, but your hand gripped his thigh to stop him from pulling out so..

・Afterwards he puts on your favorite show/movie, snuggling against you as he leaves kisses on your forehead.

・Doesn't ease into it and just asks you flat out.

"Were you okay..?"

"What-"

"yes or no."

・no

・He feels a lump build at the back of his throat, yet he still tries to talk to you

・Asking when or what made you feel this way, making sure he would never do this to you again

・He feels bad about it a few days later, even with your constant worss that you were okay

・He's scared to have sex with you again for a little...THAT SOUNDS SO WEIRD BUT IT'S TRUE?

・Like I said- he doesn't want to put you through that again

・but likeeee you need that dick so you convince him and it all works out

GUSTAV:

・HE'S TOO SWEET STOP

・He's quite good at noticing things like these.

・Stopping his movements when you start to look..off. Or when you just stop making noise completely.

・Ignoring your soft whine of protest, asking you "Are you good..?" ..no you're not. you're gonna say you're not and -

"Yeah I'm fine...keep going please..!"

・Hesitate before going back to his pace he was at before, kissing your chest and neck as his fingers go down your waist and tickles down your thighs

・Still concerned he can't really hear your moans or whines, but you said you wanted more so he should continue..

・He's sooxfucking tired after sex omg..hes surprised when you ask to give aftercare

"Are you sure? You don't wanna like..sleep?"

"No, no. Let's go get water or something."

・Giving you an aspirin and a water bottle as he gets a piece of candy, not being able to take his eyes off you as he contemplates if he should ask if your okay.

・he does. you answer.

・HE WANTS TO CRY WHAT

・Like..he made you feel lightheaded? He made you nearly pass out? He made you sick?

・Can't even bother to look at himself or think about him, only focusing on you and your needs as he spoils you rotten.

[histrynerdss]

what's it worth to you?

**note: this is like so inspired by a fic,,, but its a dcst one so ill drop it if someone asks im not gatekeeping 🙏🙏 ALSO ITS REALLY OBVIOUS WHO "MISSING" IS IF YOU WATCH / READ DCST AGH

*tws???: literal death*

note: () is for quieter singing lol

forgive my attempt at making a duet i was very sad

-----

[this song is meant to be a duet. the "characters" are not given any real names, however, the replacements ("worthless" and "missing") are to represent their places.]

[the tell-tale click of a tape being slid into a player. the singers are only speaking. the noise of students in the hall almost makes the voices inaudible. the quality is a bit grainy.]

[worthless]: oi! [missing]! heyy!!

[missing]: ha? what is it this time, airhead?

[the sound of the students talking and chatting with each other drowns out the conversation, until it all fades into music, and one whispered, "a lot."]

[worthless]:

no matter where, i run to you

call your name, it's what i do

talk for hours, bicker and banter

bridge the distance, though it seems much farther

tell me your tales of things i can't understand

i'll tell mine, and in my own, i'll hold your hand

we'll fight, and we'll argue, though i guess that's fine

it's how i show affection, the one and only sign --

[missing]:

-- that i care, yeah, i do, idiot, what did you think?

that's a fact, set in stone, written in permanent ink

even when you yell and roll your eyes

everyone knows all your words are lies

you mean well, i know, and i do the same

i'll tell you those "nerdy things," you'll call them lame

come to my house, "because there's no one else to bother"

promise you'll just rest for a while, but fall asleep in my bed, light as a feather --

[worthless]:

-- and asleep, i'll listen to heather,

while you do your work

for once, it's silent, no one awake to blurt

stupid questions at you every five seconds,

([missing]: though, you don't hear me every time i check in)

when i wake, you'll call me (your) airhead

([pause] oh, wait, that does get me to turn red-)

we'll spend the rest of the day lying on your bed, and stare

at the stars on your ceiling, to this, no feeling can compare --

[missing]:

-- though this isn't that kind of love, illogical as that is

the affection and care? ah, well that's just 'cus we're friends

(besides, these feelings aren't welcome, they're something i'll hide

they're something i don't have time for, hopefully they'll die)

what's it worth, anyway? nothing, i swear

this is the one thing that i'll never dare

to do, and besides, who says i won't get another chance?

this is the kind of thing i'll have to plan

i don't want to ruin whatever we have

it's honestly.. heartwarming, like having another half-

wait, wait, stop that, that thinking's not right

though it does keep me awake at night..

even if it's a kind of care that i give to no one else,

eh, what the hell? it's not like she'll get my heart to melt

like that, not possible, just nonsensical it is

well, then, i'll ignore all this --

[worthless]:

-- mess, that i am, has he caught on yet?

to these feelings, well, i'm willing to bet

that no, not yet, he's oblivious as can be (kinda)

even with all his smarts, to him, love's not important

i wish he didn't think like that, it's the one thing i can't understand

well, besides all his talks and tales, that too

but at least i pay attention and listen, even if as bad as i do

i may not remember his exact words that he says,

but i'll still remember that smile on his face

i don't know what it's worth to him,

all that i say, each silly grin

the bickering and affection, has it gone far enough?

ah, well.. he never liked that kind of stuff..

but even if it's worth nothing to him,

(and i think it is, he never gets the hint)

i'll stay, and stay, and stay anyway

i guess, until the end of my days.

[the tape is removed from the player. the grainy quality of the song is lifted, as it slowly gets clearer.]

[missing]:

it's been a year or two since she's been gone

i had to keep going, as life goes on

in another country, that's where we were

and that's the last place i ever saw her

"she was dead on arrival," they said,

but i can still hear her voice inside my head

calling my name, or yelling the same way

she used to, and i'll pretend it's okay

that one day, i won't hear her anymore

i'll forget her, and close the door

i'll pretend it's fine, it's alright

that i never got the chance to tell her what's in my mind..

[silence, for a few seconds. the singer returns in a more distressed state.]

but i did, but i did, and i wasted it all

each time we were alone in the halls

i should've told her, even once

i care for her, even if she was a bit of a dunce

and now i spend my nights awake

wondering what could've happened, if i hadn't been so late

sometimes, i still call her name

to someone else who never knew me the same

i guess i'll remember the last time i saw her face

maybe, it'll keep me from feeling lonely in this place

even if i won't die alone,

that's how it feels without her, i know

i hope, at least, when i die too

she'll keep the promise of "i'll wait for you"

and i'll get another chance at

telling her.. well, that love stuff, all that.

[fayedartmouth]

Can I just say that im super excited that you are writing fics that focuses on mental trauma? I mean please dont get me wrong all of your fics have characters depth but it’s mostly filled with physical hurt/comfort and i still love them all, they changed my brain chemistry forever.

But I really got excited when you shared your thoughts on the best of the bad deal book 3 and your long fix it and when i saw there’s more focus on the characters mental aspects/trauma i lost it lmao

I already saw how you handle that aspect in the last chapter of surrender and it was perfect and I really can’t wait for more :)

I am incapable of being brief, so I'll put this under a cut to be nice to people who don't like to hear me ramble.

I love physical whump in ways I can't explain but there's something special about the emotional stuff. Especially with JJ. I honestly think that's the worst part of the way the show killed him off. The show took him to such dark places in S4 and let him get as low as he could get -- literally suicidal -- and then we're supposed to feel like he had a magic moment where he saved Sarah and he was suddenly okay again. Which -- no, no way. JJ rallied because his friends needed him and JJ has always been willing to be what his friends needed when they needed him. It's the only way he understands his own worth -- by what he gives others.

The show lets him die with that mentality, that his worth is only determined by his utility, and it never let him deal with his abandonment issues or any of the other traumas he'd dealt with. I sincerely believe his downfall in S4 was set up for his redemption -- so to have him die at the end was just devastating.

In the fix-it I have planned, JJ dealing with his trauma is a core element of it because I don't think, after all he's been through/done, that there's some quick fix. It's going to be a long slog because it has to be. It's messy and complicated with a lot of ups and down.

(In the first fic, he does hit rock bottom and becomes essentially the worst version of himself. In the second fic, he has to confront his demons and finally overcome them -- and it is a process. There will be a very depressed and withdrawn JJ who becomes increasingly more depressed the more he tries to act like everything is fine. He's a total mess, and blames himself for everything, the events of S4 only making him feel less worthy of his friends than ever. He goes to some dark places before he comes out on the other side. But again, the ending is happy and hopeful and sets up, lol, a third fic. There's also a long journey for Kie and her mental health, which is also a complete mess.)

I wrote Best of a Bad Deal before S4 came out, but the idea is a lot the same. JJ has PTSD from his illness -- but from so much else, too. He's finally willing to put in the work to deal with both and end up a happier, and healthier person on the other side. In Best of a Bad Deal Book Three, he 100% ends up in therapy and it's very, very good for him. He will literally get everything he ever wanted, lol.

Which is all to say, I will always write physical whump and it's what I love. But for JJ, the emotional healing is what he needs most and I hate that we were denied some acknowledgement of that before he died. It's not even that they killed him. They killed him so flippantly and acted like he got everything he ever wanted. I 100% believe that final speech was for Kie's sake only --because yeah, that's what JJ would do. He would look out for her first and foremost, because JJ cares about his friends more than he has ever cared about himself.

[starjunkyard]

A scene of foreman telling house in ep21 s8 that "persevering through pain for loved ones... isn't that what life is?" before being followed up by a scene of house screaming at taub in the middle of the hospital hallway that life is pain. Life is pain. His entire life is pain. How he wakes up everyday and thinks about ending it. And yet hes still fucking here and what is that if not a confirmation that house's entire life is lived for wilson

Its so like. Because from an outsider's perspective its so childish. Its so out of bounds though thats completely in character for house; you don't tell people whether they should live or die, least of all if they're diagnosed with a terminal illness you know will suck the life out of them every second they aren't in the ground. You don't get to tell people that you dont have that right but. But. but

House is here and house is in pain. He's hurting and he's been hurting and he wants that to end but its been an unspoken agreement for years that wilson would never forgive house if he just gave up. Wilson would never let him do that. He would never ever forgive house for that not ever

So house is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is alive!!!!!!!!!!!! Because wilson is his best friend and house cannot live in a world where wilson hates him even if he isnt around to feel it. So house persevered through the pain he grit his teeth and just kept fucking Going because wilson hating him is a worse fate than any infarcture any perpeptual state of chronic pain, a fate worse than anything

Before stacy before cuddy before everything it was new orleans and wilson in that cell. House has been living for wilson. House's entire life past the infarcture and the pain and the pain and the pain has been for wilson. He has been living in unimaginable pain for 20 years because its been an unspoken agreement that i need you i want you you need me you want me. I need you here you cant go anywhere You cant leave me

20 years of being in a perpeptual unending state of chronic pain. Years of living under this unspoken agreement, being bound to this contract that keeps you screaming keeps you hurting keeps you gutted and emptied out but you never minded it, you never left. you let it take you because you love him. Because you love him he loves you and he lets you love him and thats enough

So can you imagine what a slap in the face it is to have him tell you outright that he wont live for you.

That his life, his death: it'll be about him. All this whilst your entire life has belonged to him. Your life your death everything you've ever done its been about him for him. For him. And you feel furious and cheated to tears because its then that you realise he never even asked. You gave it to him handed your bleeding beating heart warm and fresh to him on a silver fucking platter and he never even asked for it. But you're asking him now. You're actually asking him you're begging him, you are begging him you're telling him that you love him, and he's saying no? He's saying no?

Can you even begin to imagine-- just a fraction of that betrayal? That humiliation? I've fucking grit my teeth weathered 20 years of pain i stayed alive because i knew that you wanted me to-- because i knew that you loved me and you wanted me to stay, and that was fine, because i loved you too. And i never even made you say it. I never made you say the words because i thought it was something we both understood intrensically, down to the bone-- and still im telling you now that i need you that i love you and now the deal's just off?

I weathered through 20 years of pain because surely you would have done the same for me-- and you're telling me now that your life is going to be lived on your own terms? when my entire life has been lived for you? When ive been in hell for 20 years just so i could keep loving you? You; you looked at me in the eyes, led me on had the gall to keep me alive-- just to sit here now and tell me that the agreement ive lived my whole life around was a one-man deal? That you cant be bothered to stick your heels in the dirt a little, grit your teeth and go through a quarter fraction of the hell ive gone through so that you stay here! can be here Be Here and keep continuing to love me when ive been doing that wordlessly thanklessly for 20 years? How could you make me ask? How could you tell me no?

How could you keep me alive and breathing if you knew that this was even remotely in the realm of possibility? You kept me in the dark-- knew this whole time that leaving this friendship could actually be an option for you-- and you kept me alive?

[defensivelee]

maybe i just feel like shit rn but i feel that for all i've written about Six Lives! William it's very hard to get across all the depth im intending for his character. he has fucking DONA DONA, a whole fucking side story dedicated to him, and yet it feels like he's not anything at all, just my little whump baby...

i can say that in the main story i have at least made it very clear how self-destructive he tends to be as well as a fucking hypocrite... but ALL OF THAT i feel comes across only when it's not HIS POV. you see it best thru Bentinck i think, which is FINE bc it's still there, but in his own POV it just feels like he's going thru events... but there's NOTHING going thru HIM. it's like ur just watching things happen to him but HE himself NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS. there are supposed to be big things in his head BUT YOU CAN NEVER TELL

i loved 'thou shalt have no other gods before me' but his POV is literally EXCLUSIVELY about his trauma and torture and literally nothing else. i want him to be a mess and be very aware of that, like you can't even say 'oh he just thinks he's better than he is'-- yeah he thinks he deserves the world but he also thinks he deserves to die, which I bet you couldn't even tell about him. what his POV is, is basically very surface level suffering. at the very fucking least im glad you can see more of him thru Bentinck's POV but i do still want him to be aware of how bad he has it. his blindness to his own suffering is not intentional.

and even in Dona Dona where i should give him more depth, it still JUST feels like he's going thru events. obv he thinks and he reacts but that is, again, literally just surface level. i want him to take every beating from his father to his fucking soul and i want it to affect every aspect of his miserable, tangled life. i know by then he will have gotten used to the abuse but even then it doesn't feel like it. it remains in his head but it hardly comes out of him in any other way except for fear. he is intended to have very obvious mental illness and all sorts of other issues, but I feel like that only ever came out properly in the second chapter of the main story. has not been better since.

you know what AU William does have more depth? in fucking Alien Alien. i love that AU but it's not my heart and soul like Six Lives is. i feel like there you can understand best where he's coming from and everything fits so neatly together. for Six Lives, i also have this perfect vision for him where he has this emptiness in him a bit like how Bowen writes him (tho not exactly-- i think some parts of Bowen's William are very incompatible with Six Lives! William), and rn he IS empty... but not for the reasons i want him to be, if that makes sense. in his own POV, in his own backstory, he's not a fucking character, he's a mess of whatever i happen to be feeling in that moment, and he has only just barely worked bc of 1. Bentinck's POV and 2. the way i've fit everything together. every time it's his POV, there's hardly any breathers to see him for who he rlly is. it's just that the events happen to call for HIS POV and it wouldn't work any other way. and that's it.

i am definitely intending to get better with this in the next chapters of Dona Dona, as well as, at the very fucking least, the sixth chapter of the main story. now that i've recognized it i feel like it'll actually be easier now, but i just know that looking back on these chapters is gonna be painful. it's not the William i was intending to write. again, he's PASSABLE, but knowing how much better he could be... it really bothers me.

and see, i got this perfect mix of apathy, self destruction, and depression in both Bentinck and Mary. idk how i couldnt get it right with WILLIAM, of all people. i know i will but godfuckingdamnit it stings bc he was supposed to be my little pride and joy here.

i also feel something similar with Marly, but i think he's an easy fix bc as of now he's a side character. i won't go on a rant about HIM rn tho

tldr William was supposed to be more than a whump/porn dump of mine, even in an AU that was originally just that. and i feel like i'm failing to make him what i want. i think i can do it now, but if you noticed it in these first chapters of the main story and Dona Dona, i'm sorry.

[crows-heart]

i know this is abrupt and wild but GENLOSS?? I NEED TO TALK ABT THIS

CW GENLOSS SPOILERS, MENTIONS OF DEATH, BIG INFODUMP TIME (most if not all of this is without proper spelling or grammar, and in caps :)

(for the ppl who followed me for wh content IM SORRY VERY SORRY IVE BEEN SICK AND OVERWORKED IM GOIJGNTO WORK ON IT SOON) (ALSO ILL PROBAVLY MAYBE WEITE GENLOSS STUFF??)

FIRST OFF, LOVED THE EPISODES

the acting was amazing, especially ranboos seeing as in the first episode they literally got injured bc of a wire, AND THE FINAL SCENE?? had me crying bro i did not expect my streamer to be begging for death!! nikis crying in episode two was also MARVELOUS

ALSO HE HAD A CHANCE TO LIVE WHEN I FOUND OUT (the behind the scenes gl account said that there was an actual live option!) GUT ABSOLUTELY WRENCHING (like patient charlie!! too soon?)

WHEN THE VOTE ENEED AND THE BOX CLOSED, THEY SIDNT DIE IMMEDIATELY. YOU CAN SEE THEM FUCKING TWITCH JUST A BIT AND SECONDS LATER THEY GO LIMP

seeing him crying for us to let him live, then to let him die, and the pure fucking emotions you can hear in their voice AND THAT YOU CAN SEE

the point in episode two when sneeg FIGURED OUT WHAG WAS HAPPENEINF AND ALMOST ESCAPED JSUT TO BECOME PART OF THR MACHINE MY JAW WAS ON. THE. FLOOR. AND WHEN NIKI DIED? THEN VINNY(??) DIED?? THEN IT WAS ETHAN (i believe that was the first blood that’s wasn’t a “glitch”!! AND ENDING IT WITH SNEEG AND AUSTIN GETTING CRUSHED

I DID NOT TRUST THE HUTCH GUY (?? the hacker dude??) THE WAY THEY REFUSED TO LET RANBOO JUST ESCAPE AND THEN WAS ALL LIKE “oh they’re safe!! yeah the weird spaghetti ennard wire monster that is actively trying to get you won’t!! and neither will the security “people” who are just standing there!! why are you shutting the door you’re fine!!” PLUS THEY REFUSED TO ANSWER ANY OF RANBOOS WUESTIONS ABT STUFF LIKE HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN HERE YADADA

RANBOO WAS TAPPING SOS IN BOTH EPISODE ONE AND TWO (AT LEAST ONCE FROM WHAT IVE SEEN)

IN EPISODE 1 WHEN HE WAS LAYING DOWN ON THE COUCH (i believe from intermission?) THEY WERE TAPPING IT ON THE SIDE OF THE COUCH

ALSO, IN EPISODE 2 IN THE FASHION ROOM WHEN I THINK THEY WERE TURNED AROUND FOR THE SECOND TIME, HES STANDING NEXT TO ETHAN NAD THEYRE ZONING OUT TAPPING IT, THEN THEIR HAND STOPS HIM. ???

i truly believe that the bow from the exit to reveal (whom we thought was dead) hutch was cinematic. absolutely disgusting to know that i was right abt my feeling abt them, but it was still a great twist.

I HAVE NOT TALKED MUCH ABT EPISODE ONE OH

the painting? that’s in charlies room?? he’s able to put his fingers together, unlike the demon charlie earlier when ranboo was making food. my thought was that it was charlie before he got turned into the slime demon, but now idk what to make of it

CHARLIE WOKE UP IN A NEW BUGSTTI!!

I LOVE THAT DEMON CHARLIE WAS STILL ALIVE IN THE RAG THE ENTIRE TIME HE JUST DIDNT SAY A WORD

ALSORHAY IT WAS SPECIFICALLY CHRISTIAN HELL

WHENEVER RANBOO BROKE THE FOURTH WALL I WOULD JS STARE AT HIM ONCE I WAVED I WAS JS LIKE “hello!! i am not trying to murder you!!”

ALSO THIS ONE IMAGE FROM THE TEASER STUFF

LOOK FAMILIAR??

AFTER I WATCHED IT I LOOKED AT THIS SCENE AND WAS JUST LIKE "this is very familiar. OH WAIT-"

THERES NOT MUCH ELSE FOR ME TO SAY (if there is i’ll make another post :) EXECPT FOR RANBOO

IF YOU ARE IN FACT, READING THIS (if so, hello :) but also) SCREW YOU /j AND THANK YOU FOR CREATING THIS MASTERPIECE I CANNOT WAIT FOR MORE ABT GENLOSS (i can guarantee you it’s becoming a new hyperfixstion ppls help me)

anyways i have no more slime i mean slime i mean slime i mean slime i mean slime i mean slime i mean slime-

[cherubinym]

Entry 02 / Xiu Hua

(strained misery in voice as dogs outside wont stop fucking barking) im t i r ed of this.

pleasereadthishaha

tumblr you bitch do nOT 144p my thumbnail sketch wtf

===========================================

CHAPTER 15 SPOILERS

===========================================

-----

Entry 02

My name is Xiu Hua. I undertook the archetype for the first time today.

It did not reject me, but... the results are less than satisfactory.

I am currently under watch. It has not taken rapid effect... or appeared to take much effect at all. Apparently, I fell unconscious upon the process, which is why they glare at me so.

According to Them. I do not know the specifics of their wish, besides a desperate grasp for life. Even as a previous overseer, whom looked upon these experiments from their ranks before.

Whatever I could do to help everyone, I would.

That aside, they are putting me through this ... thing. To record my thoughts. They don’t know if or when I’ll die yet.

If I make it through the night, I suppose we’ll have an update, hm?

-

Entry 02.1

I made it through the night.

In terms of the experiment, this is good news.

In terms of my comfort, quite the opposite. While not dead... it appears I have fallen ill.

They claim I was one of the successes, yet it feels uncomfortably hot and overwhelming.

Is this what eternal life is?

I’d rather all live without it, then.

-

Entry 02.2

Apology, for being so dramatic.

The “fever” (so they claim it was) seems to have cleared up.

So, I guess it wasn’t all that bad now. I’m not in stable condition, but I was able to walk around without assistance.

Can’t say the same for my roommate in this place.

It’s not easy to be the one to watch someone slowly descend into agony.

I’ve watched it from afar before, but there’s something unsettling about having to be the one to watch it alone.

Poor, poor Ken.

He couldn’t even speak to me.

I couldn’t find the strength to comfort him, either.

-

Entry 02.3

Almost a full recovery. They’re pleasantly surprised, and so am I. Without the pleasant part.

They say if another day passes in stable condition, I’ll be able to start attending the physical tests.

I personally never oversaw those. If what I’ve heard is anything to go by, though...

Oh God, help me.

... two more passed in the night, too.

It’s lucky enough to be able to process the archetype in the first place.

Is the uncertain future worth the high death rate of this.

I think it is. Maybe I’m just speaking for them though. Maybe it was never my words at all.

-

Entry 02.4

In a fascinating turn of events, I got to avoid the bullet hell for another day.

They’re still having me record these, by the way. I think that they think I’ll just shrivel up and die any second now from this. I don’t blame them. I’m pretty skinny, not the most muscular. I’m sure I barely made the physical cut. Or maybe the overseer status granted entryway.

I don’t have time to think about that, though.

... Oh, and that turn of events?

Just a security issue. No big deal. Only five people died.

-

Entry 02.5

They say you cannot run from fate, and it seems I’ve met that match-- for the equivalent of a mad scientist’s P.E. class.

Never liked gym. This is no exception.

At least they had the SENSE to allow me to test the shield conjuring before throwing me into the ring.

Which, I passed. Cool.

(Not. I hate this.)

Yes they read all this, and no, they do not care. That’s obvious enough.

I only got grazed on the arm once. Holding up those shields was... a difficult task. I’m utterly exhausted.

I think I caught a random cold, too. My voice is kind of gone. One of the new subjects must have brought it in. Prick.

Let me swear, ######. Let me in!!!

... Goodnight.

-

Entry 02.6

My voice is completely gone this morning.

To double down on the misfortune, I still have to go through physical tests today, because I feel completely fine physically.

What a bother.

I kind of just want to go home.

-

Entry 02.7

It has been a while since my last entry.

My voice has remained nil, with no luck on my nurse’s part in restoring it.

On the second day of training,

I watched a fellow subject, Jessica, fail her turn.

So many bullets...

She couldn’t...

Oh my god there were so many bullets.

I could only hear her cry for her mother.

God...

...

The overseers didn’t make the rest of the subjects go on with their parts that day.

That’s a rare moment of compassion on their part.

I’m logging out early today. I’m already feeling tired again.

...

Jess...

-

Entry 02.8

Everything is hellfire.

Goodnight.

-

Entry 02.9

I can finally think of something other than how I feel again.

I wish they would just let me go, but they seem determined for my recovery.

Long story short? I failed a session of the training. The archetype faltered, and I could not conjure the necessary defenses.

How annoying.

To be one of the unluckiest, yet the luckiest.

Their faces are but a blur now.

At least my NEW roommate is cheery. Her name is Lunala. She talks enough for the both of us. I can live with that. It’s better than sitting in morbid silence.

I want to tell her it’s not worth it, but obviously

my voice is no longer my own.

-

Entry 02.92

Can the heavens reject me already?

Thanks. I don’t want to be here anymore.

I moved enough to where they decided sending me back to training was Fine.

Couldn’t object. There would be no use in it either.

The shields didn’t fail me this time, at least.

#######:####, logging off.

-

Entry 02.94

I said reject me.

Me.

Not her.

Not. her.

I can’t see her anymore.

But I could feel her dying breath.

I wish I could keep giving it back to her,

over, and over, and over.

Because I don’t want my own anymore.

-

Entry 02.96

......

P-please... just tell me what You want f-from me.

I can’t stand it anymore.

Everything is hellfire.

The Light burns.

It burns. It burns.

I know I’m doing well, but it isn’t about that anymore.

Just let us go home.

I’ll do it myself if you don’t let me---

-

Entry 02.98

. . . If it will let us be painless, then -

it’s best to Know.

Was resiliency of One really worth everything else it took to get there?

...

Oh, me? I can’t move.

Can’t see.

Can’t speak.

Can’t breathe.

But I’ll never have to move again.

-

Entry 3.0

This will be her final entry.

The Stars are Falling.

------------------------------------------

PROJECT:FATE

[caz-is-gay]

so. currently actually sobbing bc i made the horrible decision to look through techno’s channel. i saw the gravity mod vid he posted after the announcement that he had cancer. i remember being so happy. sbi content! god. i still haven’t watched the video. yknow the one. a year ago i tried to watch squids video on part of the potato war. i didnt get 3 mins in b4 i heard his voice (he was celebrating!! he was happy!) and started crying. maybe in a decade ill be able to watch it and smile. and ill be able to watch the new one, and old ones and laugh like i used to. i looked through the community posts. he really loved birds, didnt he? i feel so bad for his dad.

june 2022. worst month of my life i think. everything happened at once. on june 1st lizzy was over. i was so desperately in love with her. still in denial about the inevitable friend zone. we went to zydecos grad party! she left halfway through to call her ex. they got back together. the facade was broken. obviously she didn’t like me back and anything romantic with her is a pipe dream. (i mean who would ever love to be attracted to an ugly fat pig like me?) so lizzy is over. im trying to ignore the heartbreak. then i hear the news. techno died. my sister hears it from a friend and tells me. the ppl we have over dont get it. they dont get why it hits me so hard, and god i dont want to explain it. so i pretend im fine. keep hosting, keep being nice. every second is agony! i cry myself to sleep. that had stopped a few months ago. i wasnt suicidal anymore but god. 2 weeks later im starting to back to *normal* levels of summer break depression. my dad finds out. he loved techno. im gone again. my mom fonds out, she doesn’t know who he is., doesn’t know the other 3 ppl at the table have already been grieving. shes lost so many to cancer. “did you hear about that minecraft youtuber who died of cancer? he was only 23, its so sad” i didnt know what to say. “yes i watched him everyday for 4 years his videos were the only thing that could get me to sleep when i started having suicidal thoughts if not for him i wouldn’t be here and now he dead.” yeah.

i still didn’t get over lizzy for months. fantasizing about a life with her was my escape. it was unrealistic and i couldn’t think about her like that anymore. then my dad brought covid home from work. june 23rd, my mom almost dies. thats the worst day of my life. it was mcc day. i was watching it on my tv, because my dad went to see his parents and mom was sick. she had been in bed for days. she got sick a lot. she had bronchitis for 10 years at this point. i was taking care of her. she was obviously delirious. asking me to pour water on her because she was so hot. i didnt know what to do. i waited for so long. i couldn’t deal with this right now i needed to de stress not have more. it got too much, i called my dad and he said she must have high blood sugar. fuck. i looked at her insulin log, nothing written for 2 days. fuck fuck fuck. he told me, if she cant draw her own blood for a reading, call 911. so we did. she could have died. if i waited any longer she could have passed out and stopped breathing. she went to the hospital. medically induced coma, intubated. she had told us many times shed rather die than be on a ventilator. none of us mentioned it. she was in a coma for 2 weeks. woke up, had to be in vent for longer. she was finally extubated. she couldn’t talk but she managed to be sarcastic still. i had to hold back tears. best day of my life.

that month changed the course of my life forever. my disability was most likely caused by the mild covid infection i got b4 my mom got sick. my mom doesn’t have a fungal lung infection anymore. my parents are sleeping in the same room again, and going to therapy. my mom has a cgm and a cpap and is on top of her health.

i cant stand the sounds of artificial breathing after sitting next to her for so long. im more afraid of my future than ever. im still getting over my best friend (fuck being demiromantic man) and i am still crying over technoblade.

[zip-zap-zoo]

i genuinely feel like miserable

no matter what i do im anxious or stressed or feeling like i may throw up

any good moments in life feel like the best ever and any lows feel like the worst ever, ill feel at my lowest and highest all in the course of a week and i dont thibk thats normal

anytime i have an arguement with my mum tho its just so much worse like my resort is always okay how do i off myself

like how do i make her miserable the same way she makes me miserable

(and no this isnt me being ungrateful or dramatic, shes been essentially the cause of everything wrong with me mentally, i only have anxiety because of her, i only have an ED because of her and im only depressed because of her, shes the reason i wanted to die so young and so on and so forth, i cba going into details, not that anyone is gonna read this tbh but still)

i dont know what it is like one second ill be fine and the next ill feel so violent for no reason, i hate everyone yet i love loving everything. everything i do or feel harshly contradicts to what ive said or felt before

also i feel like i see a lot of my mum in me which makes it so much harder to like myself when i absolutely despise her

i feel like i may have autism and then some sort of personality disorder, based off what my mum ends up having

she either has bod or npd cause yeah shes a narcissist but also shes shown so many signs of bpd while i was growing up

and undiagnosed autism and also neglect cam both lead to bpd, and so im like wondering if i shd see my go and go forward with a possible diagnosis or smth, cs i know they take forever so idk

[number1weirdo2010]

The Prison of education

hey guys ! so i am if you don't already know a Non-binary , bisexual , dyslexic and autistic person . I want to be a writer of some sort in my spare time so I decided to practise on tumblr . please no hate Im trying my best and trying to share my experence of bulling and homophobia while expresing my imagination thru characters anyway thanks for reading and any requests or advise on writing please don't hesitate to ask !

!!! warning: mention of su!c!de thoughts , bullying : !!!!!

im going to write this in the first person but i will be changing a few names for privacy purposes!

5:30am alarm is blaring , i can feel the damp whether without even looking out the curtain it's time to get out of my bed . which for me is one of the hardest tasks of the day as all i want to do i stay in my warm, comfortable bed and sleep away any of my worry's . Although I know i cant do that . My legs are heavy like 50 pound weights , my head is banging and throbing with a headache that feels like a strong wave forcing me back down to the pillow . I have to resit . I look in the mirror and instantly feel this rage of gender dismorphia , ARE YOU A GIRL , ARE YOU A BOY , PICK A SIDE , U DONT DESERVE TO LIVE . i force my self to block it out with the blast of music in my headphones . i pick up my toothbrush , on goes the toothpaste and into my mouth . some people don't like the mint flavor , i hate it but some times i feel like i deserve the burn . I put on some shorts and a baggy t-shirt , trainers on and out for a run by 6:00am.

home a 7:00am still hate the way i look but i have no more time to work on it now i have to shower and pack my things for school. Now second battle of the day breakfast or no breakfast ? It's the only thing i can control , to make myself look thin or more masc at this point I do not know so to make my life slightly easier i skip it . I kiss my mum on the head tell her Im ok and that i will see her later . i open and close my door , hands shaking i lock using my old , rusty key . choking back tears i think un my head what will they say today , my hair ? The way i wear my uniform ? What bag i choose to wear ? my sexuality ? my gender confusion ? the reading book ? what i eat ? the list goes on . standing at the gate , there it is .

The Prison of Education .

greeted by the teachers i put on my mask , my virtual mask , a smile. time for form , i can just about stand up let alone walk to the 3rd floor. I must not let anyone know how i feel so . I smile.

i open my form room door slowly to be greeted with a perverted form room teacher , laughter and sniggering . I suddenly feel overwhelmed as if i want to die on the spot as if i want the floor to eat me whole as if i didn't exsist so that these bully's wouldn't have to put them selfs out to bully me . there i go again trying to make THERE lives easy with me not in it . i sit down in my seat , sweating , holding my breath as if if i exhale ill be shot on the spot which at this point i wish would happen . time passes while i feel like im going to pass out . i can feel them staring at me , all of them there judgemental eyes trying to figure out what i am . well i don't even know myself . 2 lessons pass and now its break time and ofcorse as i step out the classroom there they all are , all 13 of them . im backed into a corner where i am verbally , mentally abused but hey it's just me im fine i should be used to it by now . the minuetes go by i feel trapped until i finally break down . crying , i can't breathe , alone .

finally the end of the day all i want to do is go home and lay under the covers . I know i cant , i have to help my mum she has enough to worry about DON'T TELL HER but i know she will make me feel better either way .

a bit of time with my mum later and im back in the same place . the mirror , judgeing , hating on myself but hey tommorow is a new day right a new day of struggles .

the end... For now .

thanks so much guys for reading i understand it's a bit dark and i do apologise but i wanted to spread awarness or bulling and the affects of it on surtain people please dont hate on puntuallity and spelling im trying my best many thanks

Heidi (liam xoxo ) !

[twistedyapping]

booktok is a peculiar phenomenon.

so i just watched a video on the disaster that is booktok (the video in question) and it got my brain going ur honor.

a lot of booktok tropes and such revolve around the whole enemies to lovers thing and listen 🎶🎶Random Disclaiiaiamemmemrrr🎶🎶

if u fuck with enemies to lovers stuff that's fine yknow to each their own, this is just gonna be me yapping abt why i don't understand it that much

ive always seen stuff along those lines and especially always seen an immense amount of hype behind it like "omg enemies to lovers is the best trope" and stuff like that- and i have never been able to get behind it for some reason

i even tried it on cai at one point like there was a prompt where i was like Huh ya this definitely seems like enemies to lover stuff- fuck it ill try it why not-

and it just made me Angry- like it was awful- i love the character i did it with to this day but in that specific moment i Hated his fucking guts- like no room for reconciliation level hate And he was indeed going along with the usual enemies to lovers trope that im aware of at least- yknow big argument that ends in fucking or something- Dude my blood was BOILING u have no fucking idea.

and maybe it's my relationship with anger and like the fact that i have trust issues and such but after that i just like. genuinely don't get the concept.

Ok so lemme get this straight right- two people hate each other, cannot stand each other!!! cant even be in the same room together- And then somehow they dont ?. And they fuck ?.

like do these ppl have such short emotional attention spans that the second one of them starts rizzing the other up they just totally forget abt "Oh ya i hated you actually"????? Like are u THAT horny??? Is that what it is?????????

is the enjoyment of the trope coming from the fact that the sexual aspect overpowers the hate aspect?

on one hand i dont care that much But on the other hand i genuinely wanna know bc there must be a psychological component to it that im missing-

is it the adrenaline rush?? the feeling that you're doing something wrong???

listen im AAAAAALLLLLLLL for the concept of like losing control over ur emotions via Fucking But enemies to lovers still isnt it for me-

it has to be like the wrong terminology or something maybe- bc there's no way if ur gonna be going from enemies to lovers that u were Actually enemies in the first place- like u must've been like. Just two people that were in love with each other but didnt wanna admit it.

in which case that's certainly not actual enemies, it's basically just miscommunication tbh

and at THAT point i can get it like that TOTALLY makes sense to me- but the ones where it's like.

"my name is inigo montoya. you killed my father. prepare to die." and the other person's just like "haha. wanna fuck 😎" LIKE BRO WHAT IS GOING ON HAHAHAHHAHAHA

and im sure there have been some books or even fanfics where the enemies to lovers trope has been genuinely well executed, well enough that anyone in their right mind could appreciate it as genuinely good fiction, but i have not seen that so im kinda left in the dark here.

the stuff i see on booktok is also very concerning ngl- it's a lot of these like. older, violent men manhandling these younger women (in fiction ofc, at least i hope none of them are based off of true stories 😧) and like degrading the shit out of them but somehow being painted as "attractive" and "alluring" Like. Bro what.

again i totally get sexual degradation and stuff but only when it's coming from the right place???? Like you're doing it because it's what the other person Wants and what makes them feel good- But this shit isn't that and if it's trying to be, it's horribly executed bc they're essentially just going off of the concept of "one person THINKS that's what the other person wants but we don't actually know if it's true or not bc surprise surprise, there was no communication beforehand of ANY kind."

im the kinda guy that u gotta kinda code shit in for me right- consent is non-negotiable But if u fuckin ask me "Do i have ur consent to fuck you" NOT ANYMORE U DONT!!!! DAMN!!!!! WHERE'S THE ATMOSPHERE WHERE'S THE PIZZAZZ BITCH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

so im not sayin these books or fanfics or whatever absolutely HAVE to have like a terms and agreement kinda fuckin scene where they go over what they fuck with and what they dont But what im sayin is damn you couldn't've like... Kinda talked about it at least...? Like idk maybe a scene in passing where one of em calls the other a bitch and then they're like "wow wow wee wow say that again mister!!!" U KNOW LIEK HAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHA

ur writers!!! get creative!!!!!! And im sure the above thig i described has indeed happened multiple times BUT DO IT BETTER!!!!! DAMN!!!!!!!!

anyway i have no idea But ive just never been able to get behind the booktok stuff man it's literally just glorified corn- Haha korn- Yeunara oo ratapenetaa eentaa ooo- and it's a very weird side of tiktok to me like yessirrrrr sex positivity u love to see it But not. Not like that.

sex positivity absolutely!!!!!! sexualization............ no...

And good lord i could do a whole other rant abt sexualization itself and how watered down the term has become but that's for another day ur honor-

and sexualization probably isn't the right word Exactly but im not quite sure else what 2 call it-

ANYWAY idk consider me uneducated but i Am willing to learn- there's gotta be a psychological component to it that i just dont know abt yet BUT im gonna end this yapping session here i think so thank u stay tuned for next time n i apologize if i came off wrong at any point bc i always wanna treat stuff like this with the due amount of respect while still being silly so 😮‍💨

- 🌙 -

[nihiltism]

as for my first Veedia Veeview! I just finished 999 (DS) and I sure do have opinions on it! so hold on one second as I readmore this because it might be long. warning for 999 spoilers probably.

ok so. i am going to preface that i did not Dislike this game. it was a very neat little thing with pretty good plot weaving (though there are some Shenanigans that leave me confused still), good puzzles and a killer climax/twist that recontextualizes everything. that's the good stuff. i think it was a good solid game. but also i dont think i get the hype? things like this always make me feel like somebodys gonna come from the shadows and rick and morty me like im not smart enough to appreciate it but i. do think i. got it. i just dont. see the hype.

my main, not really issue but Thing Keeping Me From Getting Into The Game was kinda just. how Eh all the characters were. something you should know about me is that i Love characterization based storytelling. i love when every character has a Deal and the plot is weaved around those characters' actions and interactions while In Character. 999, being a game based around Personal Revenge and Saving Somebody You Love, has potential to be character-based. and in some instances it really is. however a Lot of the game feels like the writers planned out the plot, key events, and how characters would affect that plot in turn, before they had decided on who most of their cast actually was. they just had wooden 2x4s in place of the characters for the majority of writing. It happened a Lot where it seemed a character was just, hijacked to infodump occasionally. hijacked to give important information, hijacked to make a smart move that had to be made, etc. they all seem both incredibly smart and incredibly stupid at the same time because of this. they're kind of just. uchikoshi's sock puppets. he asks them questions like "do you know any exposition useful to this puzzle?" and he answers himself in a slightly higher voice while moving the sock puppets mouth. (this especially happened with junpei, where in the safe ending and while going to door 3 he seemed to just. completely break character to make a plot thread happen). even without that, i wont say that characters lack depth but their depth isn't made Important, save for like. santa. i cant even fully argue akane. characters who have Deals are a bit rare and when a character is shown to have a backstory outside of this, like lotus, it is. decided it doesnt matter. i think lotus deserved better in general to be honest. it's one of those games where if I see anybody with a honest to goodness Blorbo from it I kind of tilt my head and ask myself how much you are hallucinating about the character in question.

as for actual like. gameplay whatevers. its fine. none of the puzzles made me want to die save for maybe the block pusher, it was easy enough to speed through early segments on subsequent playthroughs, the art is nice and i really like the animations when they exist. i tend to not have a lot to say about parts i thought were fine and a lot to say about parts that bug me so. For The Big One

I Did Not Go Into This Game Expecting To Get, Not Only Ableism, But Ableism For Something So Hyperspecific I Didn't Even Know There Was A Word For It. Despite Having It.

the way this game handles ace's prosopagnosia is. pathetic. it's like they only understood like 3 words off a wikipedia page about the topic, as well as the fact that it was a mental condition, and thought they understood enough to make it a major plotpoint. i have 3 main annoyances about it in particular.

1: the plot hole. the fact that makes me almost positive they didnt understand the concept. the fact that THE WRITER FORGOT THAT HAIR EXISTS AND OVER HALF THE CAST NOT ONLY HAS IT BUT HAS DISTINCT ANIME HAIR. ooooh my god. its. its so bad.

2: the way that they continually treat prosopagnosia as something agonizing or worth pity. if you have ever had any sort of mental illness you know that people responding "i feel bad for you" in response to you, having it, is a huuuuge yikes. but like. prosopagnosia toes the line of (definitely a disorder but so workaroundable that this is just. A Way People Be.) like how poor eyesight is so rarely seen as a disability nowadays because glasses exist. my friend related it with a better metaphor than me, being that the whole. way its presented is kinda like (the terrible agony of being left-handed). its strange its alienating i wouldnt call it demonizing but i would say its similar to that one time i went to college and somebody said "oh im so sorry to hear that!" after me mentioning in introductions that i was disabled.

3: the fact that ace's motive for Atrocities was his prosopagnosia. like. ok if it was just a Thing He Had and was a good way to pin him down as a killer then thats one thing. however using this, again, Way People Be, as a motive for it all. its. im leaning slightly more to demonizing but more just. Boooo We Hate Your Stupid Ableist Subplot. we hate the fact that this is even considered a villain motive when any normal person with prosopagnosia could easily tell you that they are not so Pained And Agonized by. not being able to tell peoples faces apart. that they would put kids into a death game for psychic powers to fix it. its one of the stupidest and frankly insulting villain motives ive ever seen in a really really well thought out game aside from it. it's paradoxically both Good and Awful writing and I've been told this type of thing is not rare of uchikoshi works.

anyway uhhhh overall. yeah i think its just kind of alright basically. shrugs. it just kind of made me want to replay ghost trick.

[y01te-moved]

also with nno being a very emotional manga/anime i think there is no way to avoid a large variety of reactions to it but if your reaction is somewhere along the lines of “oh yoite needs to be protected at all costs” or other things that sound like that then you are wrong and i hate you

[chubearr]

MY JWCC S5 REVIEW ♡ SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

》 you have been warned ⚠️

》 to start off, WHAT A RIDE THIS SEASON WAS!!! theres lots of opinions, like the finale pacing etc, but tbh; with 12 episodes i think they did pretty well ending the show with the time they had! to me personally it didnt feel rushed at all, i actually wanted everything to pick up the pace so the kids could be happy and safe again 😭 with that out of the way, lets get to it!

》story & mr.kon

- s5 continues off right from the end of the previous season, where the camp fam meet Mr. Daniel Kon, Kenji's father!!!

- right off the bat mr.kon seems pretty trusting and relieved to see his son, but theres still hesitancy to trust him from the kids and quite frankly, the fandom as well. the kids out kash on all of his BS and mrkon rightfully so punishes him, and gets the kids to safety with food and SHOWERSSSS YESSSSS THEY CAN FINALLY SHOWER!! (kenji shaved and also brooklyn redyed her hair idk how) but at what cost.... its just too good to be true! ep1 is pretty tame, it gives the kids a break FINALLY and mae gets patched up!

- the story from then on goes to the kids doing their thing, sussing mr.kon out, rightfully so, while being torn on breaking kenjis heart abt the truth abt his dad and saving dinos, usual jwcc shenanigans ensue.

- I THINK MRKON WAS WELL DONE. his manipulation game is off the charts and he knows how to act fr, the way he can flip sides when hearing things he does not like in a second, he does it to kenji too. and hes not unhinged like kash, mr.kon IS the mastermind, hes very smart and knows how to manipulate kenji— its so heart breaking. in my s5 predictions post i said it could go two ways; mr.kon as an ally to the kids against kash, or mr.kon being the real enemy. LOOKS LIKE THE LATTER...

- my only gripe is i wish they showed more abt how mr.kon got this way— like was it the mothers death, or is it a trait that got passed down by his own father, or is it just simply greed?? who knows. its never really answered if he does care for his son or not? to me i think it was just convenient at the time for kenji to be around— i didnt see any signs mrkon ever showed affection for kenji when it didnt benefit him 😭😭 which is DEVASTATING. mrkon was out of the parenthood game fr...

- as usual, all the adults die fr but theyre badguys and death-by-dino is sick asf so i love it! EVEN KASH GOT GOT and that was sooo satisfying. mae was safe tho and as she should!!

- ok so apart of me really wanted mr.kon to get a redemption arc or smth— like a bigger bad makes him ally with the kids and he really bonds with kenji.. but then kash dies so im like "WELL there goes that possibility" and then i had hope for the investors to turn on mr.kon— nope they all died except for the lady IN WHICH the antagonist from jw:dominion comes in (the guy who runs biosyn i forgot his name) but then obv cant be possible bc they cant kill him off since he has to appear in his own movie... IN THE END, no redemption for mr.kon and fine. thats fine im fine.

- OK ill be honest MR.KON IS KINDA.. BAD OK? LIKE.. 😳 HELP  IM SORRYYYY its just the way he grabbed kash by his the back of his neck and was "go back to whatever hole u came from" IT MADE ME FEEL SMTH A LITTLE OK.. he lookin for a stepmom for kenji or... 🤭.... IM SORRY HES AN ATTRACTIVE SINGLE DAD ALSO A VILLAIN, WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME 😭😭 i was taking notes while watching the season and if you see them its just me simping for mr.kon HELp

- ok ANYWAY the fact that he was legit willing to let the kids die and even LET DARIUS GET KILLED in front of kenji i knew... it was over..

- final confrontation between kenji and mrkon was sad😭 HE LEGIT JUST LEFT HIS SON ON AN ISLAND THAT HE BELIEVED WAS GONNA GO TO SHIT... apart of me wants to be like "oh he probably thought kenji was better off with them" but its pretty much apparent ig that he does not give a shit abt kenji— which is why i wish theyd spent some time showing kenjis history w/him bc we know mrkon was not present most of his life, but there SEEMED to be something more. oh well. bye bye mrkon!! AND HE GETS ARRESTED OFFSCREEN TOO, which is just sad for kenji 😭

- THE LAST EPISODE is absolutely my favorite and the ENDING is amazing ill tell u why in a sec just u wait!!

》kenji vs campfam

- ill say it again KENJI IN A SUIT AND BETRAYAL I FORSEENT ITTTTT

- to start off I THINK BOTH SIDES HAD THEIR FAULTS AND RIGHTS BUT ohh my godd kenji deserved a break ok.. i may be biased bc he is my favorite son

- IT WAS SO OBVIOUS HE WAS MANIPULATED and has daddy issues, and im so glad brooklyn saw that. I WAS PISSED that no one else did, like ur telling me ben and yas couldnt see it? i think they were a bit dramatic on their hatred for kenji but ig its understandable bc out of everyone they arent that close w/ him....  BUT STILL. messy.

- I WAS SO PISSED AT SAMMY AT FIRST FOR BEING INDECISIVE bc shes torn between her bestie kenji, and her other besties+yasmina. tho i do believe she never blamed kenji by the way their reunion went (she was just happy he was back w/them) so ill give her a pass.

- IM CONFLICTED ABT DARIUS bc i thought originally he was just too heartbroken abt kenji yet hes not used to talking abt his feelings hence needing the dinosaur interaction. but he just said he didnt care??? like bro... why r u lyin.

- darius at least shouldve stepped up a little bc other than brooklyn, he knows kenji had issues with his dad... oh well.. dino lovers are crazzzzy

- im at least glad he was the one who stayed mad at kenji for the longest #payback my broken boys... BUT it paid off when darius forgave kenji THEY BOTH CRIED?! i cried. it was so sweet and idc if anyone thinks "kenji was forgiven too early and it was rushed", bc truth is hes a kid with dad issues and the others are kids and they are family and they! need! each other!!

》yasammy (& kenlynn)

- CAN I JUST SAY LETS TAKE THIS W YASAMMY FANSS YESSSSSSSSS  also BISEXUAL YAS RIGHTS?!?! sammy is the lesbian this is so true

- yasminas whole crush arc was just adorable and so fitting for her to open up to ben 😭 bc ben is like so chill right

- i like how they didnt make it a big deal, it was just abt yasmina figuring herself out and when she made her move, IT WAS REWARDING!! i screamed at the kiss... they r so adorable.. silly gfs 💖

- im so glad they didnt shy away from shoving it in our faces bc THOSE GIRLS DESERVE ITTTT FRRR,, THE KISS!!! THE KISSSSSSSSS

- as equally cute as kenlynn, they both have equal screentime which was a blessing!

- kenlynn pained me so bad when brooklyn was broken abt kenji 😭 its what i love, angst, but gdi i wish she held on a little longer but understandble bc kenji was kinda wack himself for staying with his dad that long...

- THE DATE THING WAS SO CUTE KENJI IS SO SOFT, ,HIS SUIT AND THE FLOWER.. I SCREAMED!!

- AND YET IT WAS HEARTBREAKING...he got stood up... smh... its fine.. it all got healed when he gave her the flower fr <3

- THE LAST EP KISS... i cried and threw up i love my kids... HOW COULD U HATE THEM THEYRE SO SOFT AND SWEET im holding them both in my arms 💖💖

》timeskip

- THIS WAS THE ABSOLUTE BEST PART. WHEN OLDER DARIUS SHOWED ON THE SCREAM I YELLED (INAUDIBLY BC IT WAS 4AM)

- THIS IS LEGIT ALL I WANTED, A TIMESKIP TO END THE SHOW (u can see my previous posts i mention this shit a lot and i even have my own au and older designs for them..)

- YASAMMY IN TEXAS THIS IS SO TRUE.. STAY SAFE GFS... im so mad sammy didnt change her clothes HELP shes still wearing thay goddamn shirt and has similar length hair but its fine yasmina being gorgeous made up for it 👍

- KENLYNN GOIN STRONG longdistance relationship goals, i love their designs so much😭😭 kenji w/his hair down AND brooklyn short hair?!?! short haired women rights its all i wanted 💃

- in my timeskip au i had darius work with dinos back on the island but its more fitting that ben has that role (working w/mae) which is so adorable...

- IM GLAD I PREDICTED BENRIUS WOULDNT HAPPEN bc theyre too innocent and busy being dino obsessed obv!! we didnt get timeskip benrius but theres still hope 😌 theyre just both aro-ace theyll work smth out..

- they fact they keep in touch is so sweet HELPP in my au they all drifted apart 💀 it was for the angst im sorry

- KENJI GETS ADOPTED INTO THE BOWMAN FAMILY SO TRUE... its so sad that with no mom or dad (jail) hes p much an orphan but at least he got darius,, it was so sweet when the mom hugged him at the mainland reunion 🥲 ALSO KENJI STILL OWNS MANTAH CORP?? OR SMTH LIKE IT BC ITS MENTIONED HES KEEPING THE PRIVATE ISLAND RUNNING so mae n ben can work there... SO TRUE

- LETS TALK AGES:

ok so from my research since the show goes alone the movies timeline, s1 takes place in 2015!! fallen kingdom is 3yrs after, and dominion (which i assume begins when darius sees the dinosaur outside his house) is 4 years later making the year 2022.

》so its like jwcc s1 age/ fallen kingdom(s5 timeskip) age/ dominion age

• darius: 12/15/19

• brooklyn: 13/16/20

• ben: 14/17/21

• sammy: 14/17/21

• yasmina: 15/18/22

• kenji: 15/18/22

- me sobbing.. they grew up so fast.. i love my kids... my age theory also may be sooo wrong but it makes more sense if theyre all in their 20s by the end! livin the adult life #goodluck

》final thoughts and thanks

- THIS SHOW IS LEGIT THE BEST AND A GODDAMN BREATH OF FRESH AIR COMPARED TO OTHER SHOWS coughMLBcough what who said that 🤨😳🤭

- from s1 to the end i never got tired of it or it never swayed from my interests, i drew fanart so quick, more than ive done for a lot of other fandoms i was in 😭💖

- i wouldnt mind a sequel with the older camp fam, but if its thats it thats okay too!! lets not get greedy guys...

- EXPECT GIFSETS AND FANART IN THE FUTURE!! my life is so busy crazy rn but i will make time for jwcc shit if its the last thing i do!!!

- lastly, thank you for joining me on this ride! jwcc brought me lots of new tumblr followers which was a surprise! 💖

i know somehow toxicity will find its way to this season, but what else would i expect LMAO idc i will fight with all ive got as usual 😉

- lets all take this W fr, this show was so good. also, sorry for any spelling and grammar errors in the review!

[dckweed]

hello my favorite lil whores, i know i haven't been very active and a lot of you guys have sent in messages asking if im okay..i am very much okay, just honestly needed a little break from request/fic writing and wanted to go focus back on my roots for a second. i am working on new requests and fics and as you read this, though i don't want to give any timelines because im never accurate lol.

i did however, want to give you guys a peak into what my original works look like, and right now im currently working on a book that contains the little snippet ill be posting below..

warnings: MINORS SAFE TO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. mentions of drug use and overdose, mentions of nudity, mentions of death/CPR.

𝖇𝖆𝖉 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘

Dazed and trying to hold on to what bit of clarity was left in her now drug adled brain, it took Arya a while before she was able to make a conscious thought. She lay on the back seat of Zak's nice, shiny car with her head in his lap. Vaguely she could feel his fingers in her hair, could smell the leather and pine of his cologne. She could see his lips moving out of the corner of her eye, heard his voice but couldn't comprehend the words. He looked like he was upset, she thought maybe he was shouting and she wanted to ask why, but her eyes wouldn't move away from the lights above them, speeding by one by one on the side of whatever road they were on. They were pretty, blurring together in one giant smear, the edges of buildings and headlights from other cars mingling in the mix of them all. She wanted to speak, to tell him it was okay, that she was alright. She wanted him to calm down, he wasn't much help when he was upset, only her brain wasn't moving fast enough to make words happen anymore, she could barely even blink her eyes. 

She could feel her breathing hollowing out, and god she was so cold. Im going to die. She thought, and panic set in, kicking her brain into high enough gear for her to be able to do something other than groan. "Zak.." She could barely hear her own voice, and she was shocked when she finally managed to tear her gaze away from the windows to find him looking at her. 

His hand was on her face, tapping her cheek as if to keep her attention on him. His lips were moving, her ears were ringing. She groans, closing her eyes tightly for a moment, swallowing despite her throat being so dry. She opens them again and for a moment everything comes into focus. 

"Zak, Zak.." Her voice was still so quiet, but he could hear her. "I'm overdosing.." His eyebrows furrowed, and his thumb rubbed across her cheek, god she loved the feeling of his hands. 

She saw his throat bob as if he was swalling before she finally heard his voice. "I know, I know sweetheart, we're getting you to the hospital okay?" He says, trying to reassure you that everything was fine. She couldn't help the small smile that spread across her lips, and even though it felt like it weighed a million pounds, she lifted her arm up to rest her hand on his. 

"We're not going to make it." She says, shaking her head. "Zak, baby, listen to me okay..my heart is going to start slowing down to the point where it's not going to pump enough blood through me, it most likely won't kill me immediately.." She could see him start to freak out, the panic in his eyes as he tried to stay calm. "Baby listen..you're going to lay me down flat okay..can you do that please?" 

Zak couldn't help but chuckle just the slightest bit, only his girl would be bossing her around while she was dying. It was good to hear her voice, even if it was barely just a whisper. "Okay.." He says softly, kissing her forehead as he lifts her head out of his lap and turns so he's kneeling as best as he can on the floor, his long, lanky legs not easy to manuever as he lays her down completely flat. He noticed her slight shiver and pulls the flannel he had left in the back seat over her, trying to keep her warm as best as he could. "..what now, baby, hmm?" 

Arya struggles to keep her concentration, her eyes closing and then reopening after what feels like an eternity. "I need you to prop my legs up okay? Keeps the blood flow to the heart..just like that.." She feels him shove something under her ankles, a small duffle bag she thinks, his hands rubbing everywhere he touches in an effort to show some kind of affection. "Now straddle me..but don't sit on me." 

Words were becoming increasingly hard to form, hell, they were becoming hard to even remember at this point and she knew she had to be faster about this if she wanted to have any chance of survival. God, she wished one of them had been smart enough to grab her bag from the hotel, there was a good dose of narcan in there that she would have shown God himself her breasts for. 

"Okay.." She was going through the steps in her mind, and trying to be thorough and quick. It felt like it took her forever but she grabbed his hand and slowly pulled it up to her neck, where she knew her artery was. "Press two fingers very lightly..you feel it?" He nods, looking increasingly nervous by the second. "My heart is already slowing, i can barely remember the words im trying to say..when you feel it slow to the point where you can't hardly feel it at all, just a few slow beats..you're going to start compressions." 

His eyes go wide, and he opens his mouth like he was about to protest. Arya shakes her head at him. "Remember what i taught you? how to form your hands?" He does it, right above the spot on her chest where she had once taught him compressions were the best. "you're going to do sets of five. Check my pulse, start again." She looks up at him. "My ribs are going to break, okay? You're going to feel them break, maybe even my sternum, but do not stop the compressions. Do you understand me? If you want any chance at me surviving this, do not stop compressions until we are inside that hospital, do you understand, Zakary?" 

God, why did she hsve to use his whole name? He knew how serious this was. How could she think he didn't. "I understand, I'm not going to let you die.." She smiles at him, the corners of her mouth tugging up faintly and he can't help himself as he leans down and presses his lips against hers, holding her there as she slips back into her daze. "I love you.."

It felt like forever, it truly did, and he was hoping that they would hit a hospital before it happened, but they were too far out in the desert for that, he couldn't just leave it to chance. This was his girl, his sweetheart. He wasnt going to let her die, not after what she had gone through because of him, and certainly not because he was stupid enough to not keep an eye on her. 

He presses his fingertips to her artery point after a good ten minutes, it had to have been the hundredth time he'd done it though, only this time, he could only just faintly make out her heart, once and then after what felt like too long, twice. 

"Henry, fucking drive!" He yells to his friend in the front, pressing his hands against her chest and pumping downwards. "One..two..three..four.. five.." Round and round he went, five compressions, check her pulse, five compressions press her pulse. After the fifteenth round of compressions, he felt something snap, something that felt just as painful to him as it probably did to her, but he didn't stop. She had said to keep going, and he wasn't going to disobey her. 

He watched with watery eyes as her head jolted every time he pressed down, looked for any sign of life in her upon her pale, sunken in face. 

God, he was so fucking stupid. How did he let this happen to her? To sweet, sweet, Arya. 

Everything blurred after a while, he remembered yelling at Henry, but he couldnt hear what he had said, he could only hear his repetitions of five in his mind, hear her voice telling him what to do. He stared at nothing but her face, didn't move off of her until a security guard had to forcefully remove him off the stretcher he didnt remember getting on, her  orders to not stop ringing loudly in his ears. 

Had they made it? Would she be okay? 

Once he has finally calmed down, the adrenaline worn off, he sunk down into a chair in the waiting room, hand on his face as he tries horribly not to cry.