#i still believe in the gist of what i was saying but I didn’t articulate it well

[rolandkaros]

reason #3299874 why i hate tennis twitter: i hate how idealistic it feels to say “omg we’re ALL sort of right.” like there should be a substantial middle ground here somewhere and instead it always feels like im being weirdly diplomatic. people are spreading misinformation about how drugs and drug tests work. people are ignoring the very real and EXPERT opinions that were used in the process of ruling. people are pretending to be oblivious to why players might find the whole scenario upsetting anyway. people are projecting their paranoia about doping onto a case where it isn’t applicable. people are using completely impermissible evidence to prove why he obviously did or didn’t dope. nick kyrgios is an idiot. and we’re going in circles and have gotten no where and at the end of the day whatever YOU say will not change the fact that he did in fact get two positive doping tests AND the experts supported a conclusion of no fault no negligence. so where does that leave us.

[song-of-oots]

Fuchsia Groan: my (un)exceptional fave

A while ago a friend of mine was asking for people to name their favourite examples of strong female characters, and my mind immediately leapt to Gormenghast’s Fuchsia Groan because it always does whenever the words “favourite” and “female character” come up in the same sentence. In fact scratch that, if I had to pick only one character to be my official favourite (female or otherwise) it would probably be Fuchsia. There are not sufficient words in the English language to accurately describe how much I love this character.

The issue was that I’m not sure Fuchsia Groan can accurately be described as “strong”, and until my friend asked the question, it hadn’t even occurred to me to analyse her in those terms… 

Actually this isn’t completely true; Mervyn Peake does describe Fuchsia as strong in terms of her physical strength on multiple occasions. But in terms of her mental strength things are less clear cut. She’s certainly not a total pushover, and anyone would probably find it tough-going to cope with the neglect, tragedy and misuse she suffers through. In fact, this is something Mervyn Peake mentions himself – whilst also pointing out that Fuchsia is not the most resilient of people:

“There were many causes [to her depression], any one of which might have been alone sufficient to undermine the will of tougher natures than Fuchsia’s.”

Anyway, this has gotten me thinking about Fuchsia’s other traits and my reasons for loving her, going through a typical sort of list of reasons people often give for holding up a character as someone to admire:

So, is Fuchsia particularly talented?

No.

Is she clever, witty?

She’s definitely not completely stupid, and her insights occasionally take other characters by surprise, but she’s not really that smart either.

Does she have any significant achievements? Overcome great adversity?

Not really, no.

Is she kind?

Yes. Fuchsia is a very loving person and sometimes displays an incredible sensitivity and compassion for others. But… she can also be self-absorbed, highly strung, and does occasionally lash out at other people (especially in her younger years).

So why do I love Fuchsia so much?

Well, I’ll start be reiterating that I don’t really have the vocabulary to adequately put it into words, but I will try to get the gist across. So:

“What Fuchsia wanted from a picture was something unexpected. It was as though she enjoyed the artist telling her something quite fresh and new. Something she had never thought of before.”

This statement summarises not only Fuchsia but also the way I feel about her (and for that matter the Gormenghast novels in general). Fuchsia is something I’ve never really seen before. On the surface, she fits the model of the somewhat spoiled but neglected princess, and yet at the same time she cannot be so neatly pigeon-holed. It’s not just that her situation and the themes of the story make things more complex (though that is a factor); Fuchsia herself is so unique and vividly detailed that she manages to be more than her archetype. She feels like a real person and, like all real people, she is not so easy to label.

Fuchsia is also delightfully strange in a way that feels very authentic to her and the setting in general (which is particularly refreshing because it can all too often feel as though female characters are only allowed to be strange in a kooky, sexy way - yet Fuchsia defies this trend).

She’s a Lady, but she’s not ladylike. She’s messy. She slouches, mooches, stomps and stands in awkward positions. Her drawing technique is “vicious” and “uncompromising”. She chews grass. She removes her shoes “without untying the laces by treading on the heels and then working her foot loose”. She’s multi-faceted and psychologically complex. Intense and self-absorbed, sometimes irrational and ruled by her emotions more than is wise, but also capable of insight and good sense that takes others by surprise. She is extremely loving and affectionate, and yet so tragically lonely. Simultaneously very feminine and also not. Her character development from immature teenager to adult woman is both subtle and believable. She has integrity and decency – she doesn’t need to be super clever or articulate to know how to care for others or stand up for herself.

Fuchsia is honest. She knows her own flaws, but you never catch her trying to put on airs or make herself out to be anything other than what she is. She always expresses her feelings honestly.

She’s not sexualised at all. I don’t mean by this that she has no sexuality – though that’s something Peake only vaguely touches on – but I don’t really feel like I’m looking at a character who was written to pander to the male gaze (though her creator is male, I get the vibe he views her more as a beloved daughter than a sexual object).

Finally, I find her highly relatable. I am different to Fuchsia in many ways, but we do have several things in common that I have never seen so vividly expressed in any other character. This was incredibly important to me when I was a teenager struggling through the worst period of depression I ever experienced – because she was someone who I could relate to and love in a way I was incapable of loving myself. Her ability to be herself meant a lot to me as someone struggling with my own identity and sense of inadequacy. It didn’t cure my depression, but it helped me survive it.

What am I trying to say with all this?

I love Fuchsia on multiple levels. I love her as a person and also as a character and a remarkable piece of writing. I mention some of the mundane details Peake uses to flesh out her character firstly because I enjoy them, but also because it’s part of the point. Her story amazes me because it treats a female character and her psychological and emotional life with an intense amount of interest regardless of any special talents or achievements she happens to exhibit. She doesn’t fit the model of a modern heroine but neither does she need to – she’s still worth spending time with and caring about.*  To me the most important things about Fuchsia are how different and interesting and relatable she is – and how real she feels.

* To be honest, this is part of the point of the Gormenghast novels in general. The story is meant to illustrate the damage that society – and in particular rigid social structures and customs – can do to individuals with its callous indifference to genuine human need. Fuchsia is one of many examples of this throughout the novels. These characters don’t need to be exceptionally heroic in order to matter – they just need to exist as believable people. And despite how strange they all are, they often do manage to be fundamentally relatable.

Why am I talking about female characters in particular here?

The focus on “strong” female characters and the critique against that is pretty widely acknowledged. Growing up, I definitely noticed the lack of female characters in popular media and the ensuing pressure this then places on the ones that do exist to be positive representations of womankind – someone girls can look up to. It’s very understandable that we want to see more examples of admirable female protagonists, given that women were traditionally left to play support roles and tired stereotypes. The problem is that the appetite for more proactive female heroines can sometimes lead to characters who are role models first and realistic human beings second (characters who I mentally refer to as Tick-All-The-Boxes Heroines). It’s not a problem with “strong” proactive heroines per se, but rather lack of variation and genuine psychological depth (not to mention a sometimes too-narrow concept of what it even means to be strong).

Male characters tend not to have this particular problem because they are much better represented across the whole range of roles within a story. You get your fair share of boring worn out archetypes. You get characters who are meant to represent a positive version of heroic masculinity (and now that I come to think of it, having a very narrow and unvarying presentation of what positive masculinity looks like is its own separate problem, but outside the scope of this particular ramble). We don’t usually spend time obsessing over whether a piece of fiction has enough examples of “strong” male characters though, because we’re generally so used to seeing it that we automatically move on into analysing the work and the characters on other terms. And because there are often more male characters than female, they don’t all bear the burden of having to be a positive representative of all men everywhere. They exist to fulfill their roles, and often exhibit more variety, nuance and psychological depth. They are also often allowed to be weird, flawed and unattractive in ways that women usually aren’t (which is a damn shame because I’ve spent my whole life feeling like a weird outsider and yet this perspective is so often told primarily through a male lens).

Tl:dr; Fuchsia Groan is a character who feels like an answer to so many of those frustrations that I felt growing up without even truly understanding why. A large part of why I love her is simply because of how much I relate to her on a personal level. I admire her emotional honesty and her loving nature… But there’s also a part of me that was just so relieved to find a female character who exists outside of the usual formulae we seem to cram women into. She is unique, weird and wonderful (but non-sexualised). Psychologically nuanced and vividly written. She isn’t exceptionally heroic or talented or a high achiever – but she does feel like a real person.

Female characters don’t need to tick all the right boxes in order to be interesting or worth our time any more than the male ones do.

[bonesliketambourines]

Hiya! It's the Festive Fanfic Author Ask! Drop this on or off Anon into the askbox of your favorite authors you'd like to know better: Which one of your own fics do you think feels the most You to you? Which one of your stories would you suggest to read if someone wanted to get the gist of your personality?

Hi there anon!

I got this ask twice, so I’m going to answer it in two somewhat varying ways, if you don’t mind indulging me! I’ve posted part two here.

This was a tough question, and my friends can attest that I panicked and said “what if you don’t have an actual personality and are in fact just a cobbled-together mishmash of every person you’ve ever found cool” when I first got it. But the more I looked at it, the more it made me think, so thank you for that!

First, I’d like to say that a little bit of me goes into every single one of my stories. I can honestly say that out of everything I’ve written (and that will be 50 Drarry works in 2020 once I post my December drabble, can you believe?), none of them were anything less than from the heart. That doesn’t always translate to an excellent fic, of course, that wouldn’t be realistic, but all of them are Me, at least a little bit.

In these asks, though, there are two fics I’m going to highlight, and this part got super wordy so I’m putting it under a cut; thanks to anyone who reads through to the end of my rambles haha.

The first one is just tell me when it’s alright, which was my @hd-wireless 2020 contribution. This was my second major fest fic for the Drarry fandom (and my second major writing attempt in years; I abandoned fanfic and my other fandom in 2012 and just came back to it again in 2019, and didn’t start interacting properly with fandom and writing until 2020), and I poured a lot of time and effort into this fic. It was an idea I’d had for months, but if it weren’t for @tackytigerfic pushing me to sign up for the fest, and the unending support of the friends I’ve made this year, including but not limited to @maesterchill @shealwaysreads and @p1013, it would have lingered forever unfulfilled in my mind.

This was also a pretty major fic for me in that it was written from Harry’s POV. I tend to gravitate to writing from Draco’s eyes (which I’ll address in the second part of this answer), but this story could only have been told from Harry’s perspective, and I was very nervous about that.

I love Harry Potter as a character; I always have. There’s a lot of negative to be said about the source material and the author (let me just stop here to say that TERFs are not feminists, feminism isn’t feminism unless it’s intersectional, and transphobia and any other type of bigotry is not welcome on my blog; I am fallible and make mistakes but I always want to learn, so if I’m saying or doing something wrong please don’t be afraid to message me, and if you don’t agree with my above statements please unfollow me), but the Harry Potter series did so much to enchant an entire generation of kids and get them into reading; its importance really cannot be understated, and it’s doing the series a disservice to minimize its impact.

There was a time in the HP fandom where disliking the character of Harry Potter was sort of en vogue, and I never understood that. Here we have a boy who experienced some of the very worst humanity had to offer, and came out on the other side still brave, and kind, and forgiving, and generous, and good. He was handed the shittiest luck imaginable, and he wasn’t the smartest, or the most magically talented, but because he was able to rise above it all and love he was able to triumph.

As I grow older, as I see more and more of what this world is like, and how the systems of power in both my country and others actually function, I find myself returning to the story of a boy who became a man much too soon, who was given no breaks and provided no quarter, who watched as friends and family alike died around him, and despite it all managed to do good. What a powerful message. What a powerful character. What an incredible example, for a young child growing up in the divisive environment we find ourselves in these days; a fictional hero who won not by strength, or cleverness, or outwitting and othering his enemies, but by love.

So, with all of that, how could I ever write from the perspective of this character?? I’m much better at writing from the eyes of someone who sees and loves Harry, I’d always thought. But again, this story necessitated being told by Harry, and so I had to do it.

I probably spent more time thinking about this fic than I did writing it. I agonized and stressed and worked myself into a lather about how I was going to make it live up to the idea I had in my head. How, I thought, am I ever going to get such an iconic character right?

This Harry has a lot of darkness in him, a lot of sadness that, based on the comments I got, resonated with quite a few people. He’s traumatized, and he’s unaware of many parts of himself because he was never allowed to learn or to grow, and he’s still trying so hard to live up to the idealized image of himself he was confronted with the second he stepped through that archway into Diagon Alley when he was eleven. He’s not straight but he’s not gay, and he doesn’t know how to articulate what he wants or how he feels; and once he does figure it out, once things seem to settle for him, he’s suddenly up against yet another enemy to battle, but this time it’s his own mind.

Depression is an insidious, horrific thing. It slinks into your mind and crushes you down while simultaneously tricking you into thinking you’re not that bad off, and this is normal, and everyone probably feels this way, and who are you to complain after all? It slowly chips away at your joy and your purpose until you’re left surrounded by an uncleaned house and an inability to do anything to right yourself, no matter how much you want to. I don’t think it would be surprising to anyone to know that I’ve dealt with depression for my entire life, back almost as long as I can remember; I struggle with the apathy it presses into me daily, and there are days when, just like the Harry in this story, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t make my home a pleasing, calming place for me to be, and I can’t do anything but dwell on what I’ve done wrong and who I’ve done it to, and how they’re all going to leave.

There were scenes in this story that were incredibly hard to write. There are scenes that I had a hard time re-reading when I went back and revisited this story a few weeks ago. But this, more than anything else I’ve ever written, is the closest I’ve ever come to addressing my own personal demons, to articulating how it feels to be pinned in place by your own brain like that. And truly, Harry Potter himself was the only character I could ever write who would be able to fully embody this particular battle that so many of us face.

This fic has some of the sex scenes I’m most proud of, and some of the character interactions I like the best, but at its core it’s about a young adult adrift in the world, battling with his own brain and doing his best to bring himself some measure of peace and happiness. And for that, as hard as parts of this were to write (and read), I will always be thankful I was given the opportunity to publish this.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you.

[quicktothebatjalopy]

OK now you've gotta give me your list of Jiang Cheng's talents that have nothing to do with cultivation! I'm very curious.

Well, there is plenty of overlap with your thoughts so a round of pats-on-back for us all! My thoughts:

Stick-to-it-tivity, bloody-mindedness, DETERMINATION (It fills you with!)--whatever you want to call it our boy has it in spades. The only times it really falters are understandably extreme (and extremely horrible) situations: other than that he digs his feets in and will not be budged! My little badger buddy! (I mean badger in the best possible way, namely as someone who grew up reading Redwall novels)

Intelligence: he’s got a brain and he’s not afraid to use it! This is combined with what you described as an ability to ‘read a room’. That social awareness is no doubt muchly based on his dreadful upbringing, which also explains why he isn’t practiced in how to use it to his advantage: if he learned to manipulate what he sees he would be indomitable. This also lends itself well to solid battlefield awareness--he recruited followers as a teenage leader of a destroyed sect during a war where they were outnumbered, I don’t think he could do that if he didn’t have a reputation for getting his people off a battlefield alive. No core needed--just give him some armor and a bullhorn and he could still lead a battle.

Dazzling good looks. It counts. 

He is a TERRIFIC duncle. Not perfect, but then no parent is perfect, and he certianly suceeds marvelously in not carrying the sins of his parents into the next generation. You’ll never make me believe that Jin Ling ever doubted his uncle’s love: he has never even considered that his uncle’s love for him is contingent on his usefulness to his uncle. (If Jin Ling lost his core he would be horrified, of course, but he would go straight to uncle. “What do we do now?”. And if ‘what we do’ doesn’t include getting a core back somehow, he loves and trusts his uncle enough to deal with it, I think.)

Excellent taste in women. Ok, the matchmaker list is silly, but it was clearly written by a boy who thinks Jiang Yanli is the best woman in the world and in that regard I respect him entirely. That and he met Wen Qing and was in no time flat like “*gentle gasp* Yo.”

as tumblr user @souridealist devastatingly said, he has an immense capacity for love--what would he be like if that had ever been treated as a strength instead of a weakness?

Very capable in many arts/skills honestly--the fact that he was always JUST behind WWX when the latter is a horrifying genius speaks to his abilities, I think.

Martial skills. Obviously this would be hampered by losing spiritual power, no more fukkin flight, but that doesn’t mean his skills with a sword or bow would disappear. In the fic I’m never gonna write (cause I already got 3 others in the pipes) where either WWX or WQ realizes he’s an adult human who deserves a say in his own fate and consult him before golden core transplant, I think this would be the gist of his argument against--because of course he wouldn’t agree. “You can’t be a sect leader!” WWX would argue, and JC would say “One, what sect! Two, who the fuck says! It’s my core that’s gone, not my brain. And what, are you and A-Jie going to not help me? Idiot.” “But, you are helpless! Defenseless,” WWX would say. “No kidding! After the war I look forwards to watching you travel around Yunmeng informing all the hunters and rangers that they are no longer capable of using a bow on account of they lack golden cores. IDIOT.”

(this is tangential, but related to the above: based on show-canon, at least, I don’t see how it’s a given that he couldn’t control Zidian without a golden core. Another spiritual implement we see, Suibian, responds to WWX’s-core-without-WWX but also to WWX-no-core. Madame Yu attuned Zidian to Jiang Cheng, not to his core. idk I just think it would be neat!)

This isn’t very well-articulated as a ‘skill’, but I think JC’s big problem is that when the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Given space to breath (you know, without constant war or murder or That Family Life) I think he could easily learn other ‘tools’ that make him a very effective leader, person, whatever.

[transformers-autobotsrollout]

Cybertron. A planet that has been embroiled in war seemingly since its creation. This is the stage on which our story is set. 

We open on a gladiator named “Powered Convoy” getting whaled on Strong-Bot. While he manages to get the upper hand and wins the match, as he leaves, we can tell that he doesn’t enjoy what he does for a living. He drives back to the docks where he lives, which are in pretty bad shape, but his face lights up when he sees Ratchet and she tells him about her new job.

The next day, Ratchet asks Optronix what paint job she should have on her first day working at Iacon City’s science guild (Oppy's got his arm covering his eyes, he is polite) and Magnum comes in asking Optronix how his last match went. Typical wholesome, slice of life robots. When Ratchet drives up to the citadel, Optronix takes a sharp left to talk to his... correspondent. It's not Megatron, but Sentinel Prime who was a like-minded 'Bot who believed in his words.

Sentinel explains that while he can’t directly bring petitions to Alpha Trion, he has gained an audience with Megatron, who’s most certainly the closest and most powerful they’ve got to someone who approves of off-planet exploration. While Optronix is nothing but firm in his beliefs, he’s unable to articulate what he wants in front of a crowd (in his words: “I’m bad with speeches”), so he asks Sentinel to speak for him. 

Sentinel agrees, and then we hard cut to Megatron in a testing facility, currently watching Doubledealer and Shatter show off the destructive capabilities of a massive fusion cannon. A little on the nose, but I think it’s good.

Ratchet’s first day doesn't go as well as she’d hoped. She gets mocked for being lower-class by the elite guard, ignored and pushed around by the more experienced medics and scientists, and by lunch she’s wishing she never left home. And then she meets Ariel Pax, a cadet in the Elite Guard. Ariel treats her with kindness that she’s endlessly grateful to finally get from these city-bots, and she spends the rest of the day with her.

The summit is treated more like a daytrip for Megatron. Megatron only talks to Sentinel, period, and he spends most of the time talking about his own opinions wherever Sentinel tries to discuss the content of Optronix's words. Optronix still doesn't talk much due to his fear of speaking in public, but he does his best to keep up. 

Anyways, they have lunch at a typical fancy place with 56 forks and Megatron is still only talking to Sentinel. Sentinel's trying to recall Op's words as best as he can, but Optronix has had enough and finally speaks his mind, shocking them both.

Megatron and Sentinel both leave for the train, but Optronix realizes that Megatron... "forgot" to tip, so he sticks behind. On the train, Sentinel admits that it was Optronix who had a solid plan on societal reform, but Megatron has his own opinions on Optimus... namely that he's "too naive" to be a leader and that it'll take a miracle to convince him otherwise.

The train suddenly lurches forward without Optronix on it. Poor guy has to cling to the caboose just in the nick of time as Sentinel and Megatron inside try to figure out what's going on. A masked individual suddenly jumps the two, and while they outclass him physically, he's able to use magnetic fields and well-placed knockout gas to take them out. 

Optronix pries his way into the train and finds it full of explosives that he has no idea how to defuse... so he calls out for Sentinel and Megatron, and gets no response. They're a little tied up at the moment (HA).

Megatron isn't amused and dryly asks how much the intruder plans on ransoming them for. The response he gets is that they're not getting ransomed at all; they're going to be blown to smithereens from the dozens of EMP bombs he's planted all over the train. 

Significantly more freaked out, Sentinel tries to reason with him. But the intruder says that there's nothing that Sentinel or Megatron or any of those hoity-toity bluebloods can do to stop this, and that they've had it coming for a while. Megatron laughs and tears into the bot.

“My fault? You think this is my fault? Oh, that is rich!

You’re one of those bots, aren’t you? Let me explain something. I’ve worked my way to the top with everything going against me, with everyone I’d known being sent offline or segfaulting their RAMS to the point of inoperability, and I’m still standing. I struggled for my position in life, and you have the audacity to accuse me of being undeserving? 

Think about it. Real hard. What have you done to deserve your lot in life? That’s what I thought. You’ve done nothing. Nothing at all! You’ve lazed away in your rusting husk of a chassis and decided to punch up for the fun of it. That's why you blame me, you blame everyone that’s actively tried to be an operating member of society out of your own jealousy and guilt. You sat as you were, a worthless lay-about, and you take it out on people you deem your 'oppressors'.

It isn’t my fault that you’ve gone nowhere, it’s the fault of an ill-mannered, ill-tempered, functionless, underdeveloped cog with nothing better to do than to beg for scrap metal instead of-!”

The stranger tapes his mouth shut and is like “lol figures” while Sentinel tries to be all “you’re never gonna get away with this, Optronix is gonna getcha” and the guy noticeably freezes up. Optronix is about halfway to where they are when he’s ambushed. 

Thankfully, he manages to knock the guy out of the emergency door, and they have your typical battle atop a train. Optronix notices something familiar about the magnetic attacks he uses and breaks the mask he'd been wearing. It’s his old friend Windcharger, who’s quite unhappy about Optronix "becoming Megatron’s new bodyguard."

Optronix explains that it’s a misunderstanding, and Windcharger goes on about how people like Megatron are the reasons that Optronix was forced into fighting in the first place; Optronix’s spark is in the right place but he aims too high. Understanding Windcharger’s frustrations, he at least tries to talk him down from destroying the train as it’ll not only kill him, but it’ll kill all the innocent bots waiting at the station. Just as Windcharger seems like he’s about to relent… Megatron blasts him in the chest.

Sentinel’s sentries aided in their escape and defused all the bombs. Optronix soberly brings Windcharger’s shell back inside as Megatron thanks him for the rescue. As they pull into the station, Megatron spins his tale about Optronix’s genius and his defeat of a dangerous terrorist, all the while he’s really in the back, stabilizing Windcharger. 

He asks why Optronix didn’t leave him to die, to which Optronix tells him that it’s his second chance to make a change that involves less mayhem. He can tell that Windcharger is passionate about his cause and he hopes he’ll make the right choice. Windcharger flees through a trap door and Optronix steps outside to face the reporters.

Megatron’s busy talking about how his life was saved by Optronix and Sentinel Prime and how whomever was responsible for this is in custody (HA). Except this bit's on a screen that Magnum is watching, and he asks Optronix how much of it's true. Sentinel answers for Optronix that Megatron greatly exaggerated a lot of it, but the basic gist is true.

Optronix says that he feels uncomfortable at the amount of "deception" that's being used to fill in the gaps, even with Sentinel reassuring him that " it doesn't matter if he agrees with us or not, just as long as our message has a platform".

Evidently Optimus isn't too jazzed about that. He mumbles something under his breath about how blunt honesty is more effective than convincing lies. Magnum, Optronix, and Sentinel get off the shuttle and arrive at the Dancitron. Sentinel insists that "Primes don't party" but he's dragged in by a delighted Ratchet, who's celebrating her first week as a proper doctor. 

At the Dancitron, Ariel Pax and Ratchet dance together while Optronix talks more about his beliefs with Magnum and wonders if he's aiming too high. Yes, he wants Cybetronian culture to branch out and share with the universe, but Sentinel's words have made him worry if he should be trying to fix their society first and focus on other planets later. Optronix tells Magnum "I never wanted this vision of mine to be a transaction".

The next day, Optronix meets Jetfire and his envoy of Protectobot Elite guardsmen for the first time. He was Ariel Pax's commanding officer in the Elite Guard and a brash, overconfident jerk that didn't really mesh too well with 'civilians' and was very blunt and vocal about his opinions. Optronix could NOT stand him at first and their first meeting ended with Optronix calling him a "brute".

Megatron talks to Flipsides and Shockwave about what really happened in his massive garden. He admits that while he is impressed with Optronix, he'd "prefer to keep my business partners at arms' length" and that gives him an idea. 

Megatron calls Sentinel and requests a meeting with him. When he arrives, he offers him a job at Tarn Industries and tells him he'll upgrade all his sentries free of charge. Sentinel refuses because he already has his job as a Station Master and he doesn't want his sentries tampered with. Megatron's pissed but concedes.

Ratchet learns to fight from Ariel and confides in her that she’s always hated violence from first hand seeing Optronix’s injuries from the gladiator matches and patching up her fellow dock workers. 

Magnum is in Metroplex, trying to get their leader Gravitas to back Optronix's words. He never really trusted Megatron or his company and he just wants the best for his best friend. But Gravitas won't listen; he's clearly preoccupied with something else. Whatever Magnum tries to say, he's shut down or blocked off with xenophobic statements that he knows'll only drag them offtopic if he tries to contest them. 

Gravitas at least has the decency to tell Magnum that he clearly has a good head on his shoulders... which is why he's been chosen to be the next leader of Metroplex. Turns out Gravitas has a week to live because of the noncommunicable rust plague inside his body, yaaaaaaaaay. 

Magnum takes this poorly and panics to Optronix that he doesn't think he'll be ready for all the power that comes with this position. Optronix, equally stressed, proceeds to become even more stressed.

Optronix and Sentinel finally get Alpha Trion and the rest of the Cybertronic Alliance to hear them out. Sentinel hasn't told Optronix anything about Megatron offering him a job nor what he heard when he was tied to him (remember Chapter 1 where Megatron was a jackass to Windcharger?)  and Optronix is incredibly nervous about speaking in front of a crowd. Megatron has made it clear through pretty much everything he's done that he's got something else planned for Optronix's idea, but they've no idea how he's going to spin it.

Megatron opens with the basic gist of Optronix's ideals; their culture is stagnating and their world needs a cultural reset. All's good so far until Megatron unveils his idea: to colonize and conquer other planets. Using their resources and spreading the name of Cybertron far and wide, establishing trade centers for partners, becoming stronger and stronger through political allies and bringing Cybertron into a new Golden Age. 

Optronix's worst fears have come to light. Megatron's made it all about himself and is treating the entire thing as a business proposition. Worse yet, the members of the council and even some bots in the crowd are agreeing with him. 

So he puts his foot down and tells Megatron that this wasn't what he'd intended, that he's spinning this concept wildly into something that benefits only him and not the whole of society.

Megatron responds thusly. "You came to me and asked if I could help you speak. I strongly suggest you recall why you couldn't do it yourself."

Optronix is silent.

Megatron asks "Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

"Yes."

With that, Megatron takes a right hook to the face and goes sailing into the wall. Now that he's been sufficiently silenced, Optronix tells the council his ideas. 

Cybertron should branch out with peace and support, not with ideas of conquering and monetary gain from these people. They can share their cultures and learn new things from alien lifeforms without forcing their ways of life onto them. How every sapient being in the universe deserves freedom and the right to education.

"Don't you see? There's no need for senseless violence-" 

He's cut off when Megatron tackles him to the ground. 

As the two of them begin to fight, the entire house devolves into chaos, with verbal and physical blows flying left and right. Everything has gone to hell, and it's not made any better when Alpha Trion calls order in the court with his "equalizing staff". Alpha Trion declares the two mentally unfit on the spot and orders them both to have "system purges" in order to “calm their circuitry.” 

Megatron is royally pissed at having his name dragged through the mud, and as the two are taken away by Elite Guardsmen, loudly blames Optronix for the whole thing. Jetfire outright refuses to perform a system purge on them despite what Alpha Trion says, taking Optronix by surprise. While the alternative treatment (a nanite bath) isn't exactly enjoyable itself, it's far less invasive than the former.

A month passes. Optronix feels horrid. All his intentions blew up in his face and this, if any, is a good time for Sentinel to tell Optronix the truth. Optronix isn't shocked at all, but he asks why Sentinel didn't tell him sooner. Sentinel tells him that he didn't want to discourage him because Megatron was the closest thing they had to a foot in the door. This leads to an argument where Optronix asks Sentinel if it was worth siding with a xenophobe just for the sake of popularity. 

After quite a bit of nasty insults are lobbed back and forth, Sentinel leaves and Optronix folds in on himself.

Megatron visits one of his own subsidiary factories in Velocitron. He's eerily serene as he speaks with the head engineer of the building, Dirt Boss. Once Dirt Boss tells him everything he needs to know and asks him why he's in such a good mood, Megatron smiles and tells him he's got a new lease on life. 

He proceeds to shoot Dirt Boss point blank and rigs the building to explode, knowing fully well that the radius will decimate the nearby train station and send one hell of a message. As Ratchet and Magnum lead Optronix outside to try and cheer him up, they see a massive billowing black smoke cloud in the distance…

Optronix and Magnum aid in the horrible aftermath of the meltdown on Velocitron. Megatron is being shady and keeps making references to an “ ideological terrorist attack” with roughly zero proof. Magnus and Override have a sweet little moment of romantic tension as they knock into each other. Optronix remains cautious about the attack as Ratchet snarks about how Megatron is still bitter about having his brain waves scrambled… which never actually happened since you know, Jetfire’s gayness saved Optimus and also Megatron by proxy.

Optronix and Ratchet enter Iacon’s Hall of records and read up on Cybertronian history to try and figure out how to get their own movement off the ground. Optronix discovers information about some of the primes and realizes that a lot of them share the same morals and views that he does. He's beside himself as he keeps scampering back to grab more and more datapads about all the primes as Ratchet watches. Optronix is overwhelmed with joy that he's not alone... and then he sees a symbol emblazoned across one of their chests.

An ancient symbol, one that means "quick-thinker”. Autobot. And this gives Optronix an idea. Optronix throws a match for the first time in his career, and everyone can tell. He uses the assembled crowd to better discuss his beliefs and explain the future he wants for Cybertron. And surprisingly enough... he gets someone that listens to him. Namely, his OPPONENT, Impactor. This little spark of hope is enough to convince him that he's still got a fighting chance.

A few days later, Magnum is getting ready for the official announcement that he’ll become the next leader of Metroplex, following Gravitas’ death. He’s distracted from these proceedings when an episode of Andromeda Explains It All airs with Megatron as its special guest, a mere half-hour before he’s scheduled to appear. Magnum immediately tells the guards to cancel the announcement out of fear for the pro-Autobot civilians in the crowd.

Optronix is having his own problems with being an Autobot as he has to help an Autobot supporter being hounded by two punks calling themselves Decepticons, one of which accuses Optronix of being “pro-invasion”. They quickly shut up and book it when Jetfire and Sentinel appear. Still burned by Sentinel’s betrayal, Optronix is cold towards the both of them, but Sentinel begs Optimus to hear them out. Namely, Jetfire thinks that Megatron intentionally sabotaged his own factory to incite violence towards them and their supporters. So Optronix and Sentinel put aside their annoyances towards each other and focus on the true villain, Megatron.

The Decepticons proceed to cause more chaos across multiple cities as the Autobots clash with them. Ariel and Ratchet argue about the rising tensions, with Ariel refusing to spur the wrath and endanger more people by outwardly supporting the Autobots as an Elite Guard member, and Ratchet contesting that Ariel knows that standing up for what she believes in is more important.

Jetfire and Sentinel (who is entirely unwilling) burst into Megatron’s private airship with all their evidence. Jetfire threatens to arrest Megatron right there on the spot. The two Autobots are promptly dragged out of the ship by reactionary Decepticons. The Decepticons take Sentinel hostage and attempt to execute him where he stands, but The Elite Guard is there to stop them.

Iacon is set ablaze by the Decepticons and the heroes rush to the citadel. Alpha Trion's all like "oh okay huh looks like the incredibly invasive mental reprogramming backfired, who'da thunk". We and Optronix of course know that they never were reprogrammed because Jetfire saved them, but being that Jetfire is unconscious, he can't exactly explain that to him.

Alpha Trion then begs Optronix to protect the Matrix, thinking Megatron's going to steal it and use it's power against him out of vengeance. Optronix agrees, on the condition that Alpha Trion doesn't hold himself up in the citadel and helps his friends get innocents inside.

So Megatron shows up a little later on, Alpha Trion begs for mercy and apologizes for what he did to them both, but guess what! Megs doesn't care! He's just here to kill Alpha Trion and leave because he can blame it on the riots exploding across the city. He doesn't give two damns about the Matrix.

"I'm not going to kill you. Gravity should do most of the work."

But Optronix shows up to save the day, the Matrix around his neck on a chain. Megatron weighs his options on who he wants to kill more and Optronix quite literally has a target painted on his chest, so he takes the bait and chases him away from the citadel, in turn protecting everyone that was packed within.

The Elite Guard and Ratchet successfully get a barrier around the citadel, only for Inferno to suddenly reveal his true colors as a Decepticon double-agent. He stabs Ariel’s optic out and tries to off her while she’s wounded. Ratchet snaps. She not only tackles him to the ground, but she successfully tears his arm out of its socket and beats him with it. Windblade is barely able to get her off him, but the damage is done in more ways than one.

Once they're well and far away from the center of town, Optronix tries to open the Matrix and blast Megatron into next Tuesday. This fails and Megatron mocks him before blasting him (and the ground beneath his feet), and Optronix falls through an entire building, seemingly offlining him. Jetfire's second wind comes in and he starts whaling on Megatron as Optronix lies in the basement of the building quietly pleading for the Matrix to open.

His grip falters, he slumps over, and in true LIGHT OUR DARKEST HOUR fashion, the Matrix transes Optronix's gender and boosts his lightning powers, giving him the strength to soundly body Megatron. Megatron falls in front of the Decepticons and has to be carried away by Strikha, who orders a full retreat.

Optronix returns to the citadel with both Jetfire and the Matrix in his possession. Alpha Trion is shocked, but his friends are nothing but overjoyed. It's Jetfire who comes up with the name Optimus by way of calling his transformation "an optimal solution".

Ariel awakens missing her optic and berates Sentinel for not knowing what he was doing, only to change her tune when she hears Ratchet's the one that saved her life. Ratchet weakly smiles as Ariel thanks her.

Alpha Trion is all set to set up a grand ceremony, but Optimus tells him to read the room and says there will be no celebrations until the city is rebuilt. He wonders to himself if he's deserving of this power and if he's just as culpable of starting this mess as Megatron is. He looks around and sees the company he's kept... and reassures himself that there's still goodness in the world, and the best they can do right now is pick up the pieces.

[elizabethvaughns]

so i've been mulling over this for quite a bit now, so i might as well articulate my thoughts and get them out onto this blog. so i was just thinking: subjectively or objectively, which one is better? the if/then dc preview or the broadway production? long post (1750+ words), so i'm putting a read more break <3

now, objectively at the very least, i know i have to say it's the broadway production. why wouldn't it be? it's a lot more polished, it's...the final draft, of sorts, of the production. we all know the final draft is usually better than the rough draft. but here's the thing. when it comes to an artwork that has several different versions, one tends to gravitate toward the version they saw first and have a certain bias against all the other versions. if you saw the bway version first or the dc version first, you probably like that one more. now i'm not saying this bias is conscious by any means. absolutely not. however, when one falls in love with some media, in my case at least, they take it in over and over and over again. and then they get so used to that one thing that all other versions seem weird. i can pinpoint two non-if/then instances in my life where such a thing happened.

in the summer of 2018, i watched the RENT movie on netflix. now i was fully intending to listen to the obc soundtrack before watching the movie, but i never really got to it. anyways, that movie was like love at first...watch to me. oh man, i loved it so, so much. so i downloaded the soundtrack on my phone and, you guessed it, listened to it over and over and over and over again. one fine day, (about a few weeks after, actually) i realized i never actually had listened to the obc soundtrack. so i did. and it sounded...odd to say the very least. i mean, some of the voices were different, sometimes the lines were changed, all in all, a confusing experience. to say the least, if you asked me back then which version i preferred, i would've readily said the movie version. but now, three years in retrospect, i'm not so sure. the obc version is a lot more...complete, i like the vocals more, and i'm now salty that "christmas bells" as a song was cut. evidently, i like the obc version more(but i still love the movie version hell it's still one of my comfort movies).

in the fall of 2019, i listened to falsettos. i actually listened to both the obc and the 2016 revival cast recordings. i guess that lessened the bias a bit because i was exposed to both versions at about the same time. on the fateful date of 2 october 2019, i watched the falsettos revival proshot. that's when i truly fell in love with this musical. but, even so, my initial exposure was to both recordings so even though i had a slight bias toward the 2016 version, i still loved both of them.

now, back to if/then. i actually find it difficult to pinpoint where exactly my exposure to if/then started. was it the very first time i heard about it in 2018 when i read a very meta RENT fanfic on ff.net where elizabeth made an appearance and i thought "what the fuck"(pun very much intended)"is if/then" (psst if you find the fic could you please drop the link in the replies meta fic isn't really my shit but i want to reread it for nostalgia's sake)? or was it the very first time i listened to the obc recording in 2020? or was it the boot of a broadway production that i first saw on 13 march 2021? whichever one i pick, they all lead to the same conclusion: i naturally gravitated(and sometimes still do) toward the broadway production because it was the first version of if/then that i was exposed to.

now sometime in early april 2021 over my spring break, i watched a recording of the dc production. i knew beforehand that this production is a preview, after which some changes had been made, resulting in the broadway show. since those changes were obviously made to better the production, it would be a logical conclusion that the very presence of those changes entailed a...worse production (not considering the fact that the interpretation and the very liking of art is entirely subjective). one could say i entered the watching experience with an unconscious bias, of sorts.

from the very first note, i was caught off-guard. i didn't know they changed this much. when i watched the bway production, i was just enjoying it for all it was worth. but when i was watching the dc preview, i was comparing it constantly to its broadway counterpart. oh, david's shirt colour is different here. oh, anne's wearing a pantsuit instead of a dress(cute). oh, time for hey kid! oh wait no they put "the moment explodes" right here. also, i was just humming along to the songs, just mouthing along the lyrics(because i have them all memorized), and every now and then and getting thrown way off-track when the tune remained the same but the lyrics changed. most notably, in "walking by a wedding" and "you learn to live without". all in all, i had what one could consider negative opinions about the dc production because of that bias.

but then i watched it second time. a third time. a fourth, fifth, sixth time. and over that time, i fell more and more in love with that production. as i've said before, the interpretation of art is wholly subjective–what one may consider a shortcoming of a particular piece, another may consider a strength. let me take the placement of "the moment explodes", for example. in the dc production, it's before "some other me". therefore, the line "every friend i ever knew or thought i did" doesn't hit as hard because we don't know her situation with lucas yet. even so, "some other me" hits twice as hard because lucas is an even bigger asshole now. in comparison, however, "the moment explodes" is after "some other me" in bway as you all know. so the aforementioned line holds a much greater significance when compared to its dc counterpart. however, one could also consider that line (in the dc production) as a sort of foreshadowing for the reveal in "some other me" of the new normal of beth and lucas's friendship (or the lack thereof).

obviously, some changes were most definitely welcome, "this day" to be more specific. of course, there was that little reprising of "what if?" near the end of "this day" in the dc production which i really loved, but all in all, the mood of "this day" was much more fun and enthusiastic in bway as opposed to dc, which in my opinion is an excellent way to start an act. in contrast, some changes were...not as welcome. i don't know about you, but personally, i really enjoyed two cut scenes from "the story of jane"("no more wasted time" dc version). first, the scene where kate brings her kindergarteners to beth. it was fun to see higgs squirm. second, the scene where elena and beth's interaction parallels beth and stephen's in "map of new york". narrative-wise, i think that it is an incredibly important scene as we get to see two sort of boss-employee relationships mirrored to each other, only beth does it well as a boss (if that makes any sense). we see beth as passionate but still sort of hesitant in mony but she grows to be more self-assured by nmwt, and i think the aforementioned scene only cements that notion as beth takes on the role of mentor for elena. also, "the story of jane" was a really fun song and, as much as i love "no more wasted time", i wish it still contained elements of "story of jane". and while i did enjoy the reshuffling of "the moment explodes" such that it became clear when beth and lucas made up in the bway production, they were ultimately still...not talking during "you learn to live without. as a result, we miss that one scene from the dc production where lucas and kate attend beth's awards ceremony and shoo stephen. and need i talk about the lucas/david duet verse("you get that we're connected, / i feel like you get me") in "ain't no man manhattan"? honestly, i feel like dc anmm was, all in all, better than bway anmm–especially that one verse where lucas sings to this other dude about how everyone is connected(no, not the one to stephen, the one after that. the one that ends with "[something something] / who you helped get elected").

also the situations with stephen and with kate/anne in both timelines were relatively clearer in the dc production. even so, the actual distinguishing of the timelines was better in the bway production.

in conclusion, the relative merit of each production(broadway vs. dc) is really up to the interpretation of each viewer. scenes that may seem weak to one may be considered narratively important to another. both productions have their own merits and flaws.

to me, both productions are equally good. my previous assertion/assumption that the final draft is always better than the first is not necessarily true. some things that you think were actually pretty good get lost in the editing process. some other things that should've been cut (ahem ahem, kate's referrals to lucas with "she", ahem ahem, liz's "i don't believe in independents like i don't believe in bisexuals. pick a side" line) get left in there. art is subjective. the editing process is subjective. in the end, though, the only thing that matters is that you enjoy what you're watching and find personal fulfillment in it. and i do! for both of these productions. for both of the productions, i'm smiling all the way up to "here i go". i'm slightly saddened during "you don't need to love me". i'm empowered by "the story of jane"/"no more wasted time". i'm grinning in liz-verse all the way up to "i hate you". i feel like sobbing during "some other me". my throat clogs up when "i hate you" starts. i'm actually sobbing by the time "you learn to live without" ends.

...you get the gist of it. all in all, both of these productions are phenomenal and i'm grateful for their existence and to have been able to watch them in the year of our lord 2021.

i love this show so much i swear.

i talk a bit more comparing broadway and dc here.

my other ramblings essays:

if/then appreciation

"what if?" vs. "what if?(reprise)"

character analysis of lucas

[jus-tea]

Going to explain a little about the Miss Rhona lyrics, what inspired different aspects etc, as I’ve seen a lot of people speculating over it, and coming up with their own ideas (which I fully support!) but for those who are curious...

1st Stanza

“Daddy’s at the food store” So, when this was written, myself, my partner, and seemingly everyone was spending so much time going from supermarket to supermarket trying to find the basics, the essentials. Pasta, flour, sugar etc were sold out seemingly everywhere. The weekend just before this was written he’d lined up for half an hour before Costco opened to ensure he acquired some toilet paper- which seemed impossible to get ANYWHERE. I had colleagues who sent their adult children to shops everyday (they couldn’t cause they were at work) to try to find toilet paper somewhere. We ran out at work, and ended up with tissues. People, generally, were spending so much more time trying to find essentials at supermarkets. It’s not nearly as bad now, but just over a month ago when I wrote this it felt like a big issue. Also, “food store”?! NO ONE HAS CALLED ME OUT ON THIS which I find so weird because no one actually says, “food store”?! What a weird expression! So why did I use it? Well! Initially I thought “cost-co” but didn’t use it because I wanted the rhyme to appeal more universally. And we only got a Costco in my city a few years ago and I know plenty of places in the world don’t have one so... I thought maybe supermarket? But thought maybe they didn’t call them that in other countries- market? Market sounded so strange as it’s really only fresh fruit and veggies we get in our local markets here (in my part of the world) and didnt fit with the image I was trying to create and besides all our markets were cancelled as they were too crowded.. so “food store” was initially just a place-hold. I still can’t believe literally no one has said “hey wtf is up with “food store? No one says that” but there you go. It’s in literally every version ive seen as that so... that’s what it is now. So, that line about the food store and collated with the next line, “mummy’s our of town- she’s working at the hospital” was based on news articles I’d read about doctors having to isolate themselves from their families by sleeping either at hospital or in their garage. People who couldn’t see their kids for ages, it was really sad! And then combining these lines, it’s about how these little kids for the first time really are sometimes being left home alone because their parents have stuff they *have* to do; get food or work, and lots of kids these days don’t get left home alone anymore, it was common when I was little but not for a long time! But seemingly suddenly with this pandemic it’s happening again. And I hadn’t seen that talked about but I was seeing glimpses of it and it, felt weird? I guess? So that made for the perfect beginning to a covid19 nursery rhyme- a kid getting left home alone a lot and not being really sure how to respond to that.

So, with the hide away lines, there’s 3 stanzas and in each miss Rhona gets closer. The first one is she’s “come to town”. Now I remember that feeling on that day learning that the first coronavirus case had occurred in my city. Up until then there was a bit of a sense of dread, like you knew it was everywhere else, then in the news it got closer and closer, with cases in small country towns nearby. But when it got to my city it was suddenly so real. And that’s where the story starts because Miss Rhona was HERE. She arrived in the kid’s town. The line, “she’s come to take us down” is another way of saying “she’s going to get you” and also links to the final line which reveals her success “she took us down/she’s brought us down”.

2nd stanza

So, she goes from being in town to being “at the doorstep” which represents getting closer- being in those people the child might interact with everyday- and imagined more literally in the postal worker delivering a package (actually ON the doorstep) or food delivery or anyone who they’d still have close contact with. But “I’ll keep 6 feet away” is a self reassurance that if they just do the right thing and keep their distance everything will be ok. But then the conflict! Grandma needs toilet paper, EVERYONE needs toilet paper and no one can get it anywhere! No doubt the dad is our trying to find some more while he’s at the “food store”. And I was thinking... my children’s grandmother lives in a different state to us but if we were in the same one you can bet your life id be out dropping essentials at her doorstep whenever I could- tp included. (Although, tbh the tp issue didn’t seem as bad in her state from what she told me) so in this bit I guess I imagined myself as the child because that would be something important to me, to make sure my elders had their essentials. Idk I tried to help where I could, got baby wipes when I found it for a friend with a newborn, stuff like that. So the conflict is the child’s sense of responsibility ensuring their grandmother has what she needs, while also knowing that the coronavirus, Miss Rhona, could reside in anyone they meet along the way. Kind of like a little red riding hood situation linking the dangers of strangers. So they open the door due to this sense of responsibility and, oh no, Miss Rhona was at the doorstep, remember? Now the child has it too; “Miss Rhona’s come to stay” IN THE CHILD. This line was to use the imagery of Miss Rhona coming to stay with the child at their house, like an aunt might come to visit for the weekend, but symbolises the virus coming to live within the child, they’ve caught it now, which is why they definitely, “can’t come out to play”.

Stanza 3

“But grandma needs the paper” that’s where the conflict arises again- the child’s sense of responsibility, maybe guilt even? Overshadowing their understanding of just how serious the virus would be should their grandmother catch it. They’re just a kid remember? They don’t understand. So they take her some anyway, everyone needs toilet paper! Also, I know that phrasing it as such misleads the listener to think about a newspaper. Thats how we talk, “I’ll get the paper!” My dad says ... often. But, 2 things, it rolls off the tongue easier than “grandma needs toilet paper” which would’ve messed up the rhythm anyway, and also, for anyone who’s lived it you would automatically know about the “great toilet paper shortage of 2020” 😅 there were so many memes about it and it was funny that everyone was obsessed with it but if you were one of those people who genuinely really couldn’t find any- and there were lots!- then it kind of sucked. And that’s a memory that’ll stick with you 🙈

So. The note. “And here’s a note from Rhona she wanted me to say” imagine the child at the grandmas doorstep, she’s bringing her tp (that’s nice) but the child is infected, and hands grandma a note. I imagined like a little filed up piece of paper in their back pocket they take out and hand over, to pass on the message from their aunt living in their house. As kids would do- what teacher hasn’t given their student a note and said “go tell mr x such and such” and the note is a reminder of what to say. But the note they hand over is also a metaphor. It symbolises contact between the grandmother and grandchild, and as grandma took it, she caught the virus too. And the note reads,

“Hide away, hide away, keep 6 feet away”

Which is that line repeated all the way through the rhyme. In the end, it’s what Miss Rhona was saying all along. Hide away children...

And the final line is a throwback to near the beginning, “she took us down” because earlier remember she came to “take us down” but now it’s happened and we’re in past tense. She did it. She took down the grandma, and possibly the child too, although I left that as ambiguous. To be taken down here is the symbol for death, of course. It’s pretty grim. But that was the point i suppose.

And that’s where it ends. Anything after that, while I’ve seen some adaptations made which sound really cool, doesn’t really make sense with the story, because they died in that moment. And continuing on after that seems a bit overkill, because I gues, perhaps symbolically at least, who would be able to continue singing the rhyme once they had already died?

But having said that, it’s still nice to see people get exited about it and want to contribute more lyrics too. Making up stories, songs, games, art in general, it’s a way we’ve found to cope i think? Like dark and morbid stories are a part of our culture because we respond to them. Lessons, feelings, etc. people far more articulate than I have explained before...

So. That’s Miss Rhona. This explanation was written really roughly and I apologise for that, but you get the gist. I strongly recommend for anyone who hasn’t already to check out the #miss Rhona recordings hashtag on my blog, because some of these melodies people have put to it are really beyond words. Dreamy, haunting. Peaceful. Childlike. Much more than the original chant-like skipping rhyme I originally envisaged.

Thanks for reading this far... please be safe and look after your grandmothers ❤️

[lionheartslowstart]

Snakes and Roses

I’ve been avoiding writing this post for a long time. (I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot recently.) I’m not sure why. I think maybe because writing it will force me to examine myself in ways I’m not totally comfortable with. I guess we’ll find out. To be clear, I’ve been sitting on this post since April 2nd, 2019, when I wrote a post called “Snakes and Lillies,” which was about Severus Snape and his many complexities. Snape is a character I have always loved and defended, and someone I talk about a lot. It was only a matter of time before I dedicated a blog entry to him. But it wasn’t until I reached the final paragraph where I had the realization of something I think I’ve always known deep down. I wrote, “He probably never knew what it meant to truly be happy.” And that’s when it hit me, one of the big reasons I love Snape so much is because...well, he reminds me of me. I see myself in him. I relate to him in ways that I’ve never related to other fictional characters before.

The reason this realization hit me in that specific moment, is because the idea of never knowing what it is to truly be happy is something I have thought about myself, even said about myself, to a select few. It’s why I was able to drum up that line so quickly in my writing - it was already there, in my subconscious.

I don’t like to think about my childhood. To be frank, I don’t like to think about much of my life before 2016-ish. I prefer to live in the fantasy world of my creation, that my entire life has been a fog and I’ve sort of “come to” as a fully formed adult. Obviously, that’s not a realistic way to live life, especially in terms of overcoming trauma and bettering yourself, so it’s something I’ve been tackling in the last year or so. I could write my entire life story here, but a) that would probably be the longest post I’ve ever written (and some of them are already pretty fucking long), and b) I don’t want to. But I will include some background information, so my readers can see the parallels I’ve drawn, and the deep connection I feel with Mr. Severus Snape.

In some ways, my childhood was very different from Snape's. In other ways, my childhood was incredibly similar. I didn’t grow up poor, and for that, I’m extremely thankful. My parents weren’t abusive, to each other or to me, and I’m extremely thankful for that as well. Obviously, these were two very important aspects of Snape’s origin story. But for me, it’s not so much the cause as it is the effect. I developed severe emotional problems at a very young age, five years old. I was suicidal, I had extreme outbursts, I was that “weird kid” (and then later I was that “fat, weird kid”), I was misunderstood, and I didn’t have the maturity or vocabulary to communicate my feelings and issues to those around me. As a result, despite having an otherwise loving home, I became isolated. I was isolated from my family, who didn't know how to help me, and who I often felt ganged up on me. I was isolated from my peers, who saw a sad little loner and decided the best course of action was to bully and ostracize me (because we all know that “different” equals “bad”). I was isolated from my teachers, who only saw me as a “problem child,” and who often blamed me for things that weren’t my fault, and who concluded that my outbursts were the result of behavioral problems as opposed to being in psychic pain. I was so lonely. I had two friends, but even they avoided me at school, as they had their own friends, and I, of course, was not invited to participate in that group. I spent most of my days alone, thinking my thoughts, concentrating on school, using my imagination, and generally giving off “sad boy energy.” As much as I try to ignore what I consider to be some of the most painful years of my life, I can’t deny that I am largely the person I am today because of my childhood. It’s my own origin story.

Obviously, I’m glossing over a lot here, specifically the details of my emotional problems and outbursts, but I’m sure you get the gist. So, this is something Snape and I had in common. We were both bullied and excluded, albeit for different reasons. We both felt alone and misunderstood. We also both tended to be reprimanded for our own actions, often driven by pain, but watched as others who hurt us went completely unpunished, or even unacknowledged. (For example, when Snape dropped the branch on Petunia, he was yelled at by Lily, but Lily didn’t scold Petunia for her disparaging comments against Snape.) Things also changed for both of us in our teenage years. For Snape, it appears to have changed earlier, around 11. For me, it took a little longer, more like 14. But in both cases, we suddenly found ourselves accepted for the first time in our young lives, treated like equals. As a result of this, we both became slightly haughtier, a bit superior, and on occasion, not very nice. 

This is where things begin to differ between the young Severus and myself, for a number of reasons. The first is that Snape was a follower, I was the leader. For the record, this wasn’t something I realized until I was an adult, but, indeed, I was the leader of my own little group. I was the one who brought everyone together, I was the one that many people looked up to, had feelings for, or wanted to be near. I wish I had appreciated it more at the time. Snape was more of a pack member, at least initially. It’s not clear who the leader was as he grew older. I’m sure Lucious Malfoy was the leader in the beginning, but he was a fifth year when Snape was a first year, so perhaps by his fourth year, Snape took his place. I’m not sure. However, I doubt it, because he was still mercilessly picked on by the Marauders and other classmates, who probably would have feared or respected him more if he had been the leader of the young Death Eaters. This leads to another difference, which is that Snape fell into a group of people who prided themselves on prejudiced ideations, and were in many ways bullies themselves, though Snape continued to be bullied as well. While I’ve certainly been ignorant, I’ve never espoused bigoted beliefs. I would also assert that I was never a bully per se, but I definitely spoke down to people and probably could have been much less selfish and bitchy than I was.

I mentioned earlier on that I often defend Snape, which is true. I have certainly had Snape-related conflicts with people, some more intense than others. About a year ago, around the time I posted “Snakes and Lillies” actually, I got into a heavy debate with a friend of a friend who maintained that Snape was a bad person who shouldn’t be celebrated in any capacity. No matter what I said, he remained unconvinced, and I walked away from that encounter feeling sour and angry. But why? Because it felt like a personal attack on my character. Everything my acquaintance said about Snape landed like he was saying it about me. I know he didn’t intention it that way, I’m sure he didn't even realize that’s how I was interpreting it. But when people tell me they think Snape is irredeemable, it feels like they’re saying I’M irredeemable.

Our lives may have gone on different paths, but I maintain that Severus Snape and I have the same, or very similar, core. We both grew up with a lot of pain and isolation. We both became embittered because of our respective childhoods, and that bitterness continued to follow us throughout our lives. We both experience a petty and vindictive pleasure when we are able to inflict suffering on those who have hurt us (though I’m sure he and I have very different ideas on who deserves it and who doesn't, as well as what levels of revenge are acceptable). We also both have the capacity for an incredibly deep and never-ending love, though most people never ever get to see it. We both have goodness in us that is often overlooked or minimized by others, who are too eager to see the bad things about us. And above all, as I said in my previous Snape-related post, neither of us has ever experienced a true and fulfilling happiness in our lives.

Of course, there is still hope for me, as I’m only in my mid-twenties, and have been doing a tremendous amount of work on myself, as well as in the interest of improving my life. Unfortunately, Snape did not have that opportunity, as his life was cut short in the midst of his mission. However, he was only in his late-thirties, and, had he been able to live, I like to believe he would have been able to begin the process of healing as well.

I’m finding it difficult to articulate why I feel so close to Severus Snape beyond what I’ve said already. Probably because they are feelings that are difficult for me to access. Snape was incredibly flawed, and so am I. Snape was incredibly broken, and so am I. Snape was, in my opinion, redeemable and overall a good person despite many of his questionable actions, which were largely the result of a miserable life. I feel similarly about myself.

I wonder how Snape’s life would have been different if the Harry Potter series took place today, in a climate where trauma and mental illness are more accepted, normalized, and discussed. Would he have been held accountable for his misdirected anger towards his students? Would he have been able to get the help he needed earlier on? What if he, as an adult, was shown more compassion and love? And I already know that many people might then ask, “What about Lily?” Yes, Lily showed Snape compassion and love. Lily cared deeply for Severus, and he was her best friend throughout her entire childhood. But when we are children, especially children who are in the midst of trauma, we don’t always recognize what love looks or feels like. This is something I relate to as well. There have been times when I was faced with real love, but due to the trauma I was still experiencing or working through, I did not truly see or appreciate it at the time. Sometimes, time needs to pass for us to be able to grow, mature, and make it through the trauma. We need to get to a place where we are able to look back and appreciate what we had, and to be able to heal and fully experience love in the present. Maybe, if someone had given Snape more affection and empathy as an adult, he would have been able to heal.

All I know is I find myself wishing I could reach through the pages of my books, or through my television screen, so I can wrap my arms around him and tell him he’s worthy of love, and there’s still time for him to heal and find happiness. Because, that’s what I’ve always wished people had done for me.

[mikeshanlon]

iwwv anon and PHEW OK. I def did not expect that essay and now I feel bad cause I KNOW my thots r not gonna be articulate or right. nonetheless! i think Oliver does qualify as an unreliable narrator cause hes. very oblivious but not like... Richard papen (who is a whole ass clown don't get me started on tsh) but not like addy from dare me(I will support till the day I die that dare me is da like I WILL die on this hill) who sees what she wants to see. 1/?

i think he just... thinks that his friends r diff ppl than they actually r? that doesnt rly make sense but yea. what I mean is that everything the characters do is coated in that empathetic view Oliver has which is usually wrong? so we don't get an objective look into the characters. meredith is my girl like I love the hot popular girl trope deconstruction but at the end of the book she's not at a great place like she's w someone that doesn't love her like she needs to be loved... 2/

I guess the most probable ending is that James never meets Oliver again and that everyone is kinda stuck on what happened but that's soo sad and I really don't want to think abt it. ngl iwwv wasn't like my fave book ever and I really don't understand why people are so obsessed with dark academia sometimes but what i rly liked abt the book is that despite how fucked up everyone is and how toxic they r to each other they do at heart care abt one another...3/

like I rly liked that esp cause at that point the only other da book (other than dare me!) that I had read was tsh and godd every character is so fuckinh annoying and they all hate each other. i was super confused by it till I saw someone saying that it's satire and I felt my mind explode. I feel like this is so long but I didnt rly properly answer all you wrote sorry! I think its a pretty good book tho it has some crazy quotes like hold awn Im gonna look at the highlighted stuff on my copy.. 4/

Were you in love with him?” “Yes,” [...]Yes, I was.” It’s not the whole truth. The whole truth is, I’m in love with him still. LIKEEE PHEWW OK OK OK. WE OUT HERE. that line literally made me go crazy. I'm so sorry for any spelling mistakes or like general mistakes I made here English isn't my first language, it's 1am and I wrote this in the notes app w/o looking it over. so like.. NOT a professional review lemme tell you. 5/5

 Ahh im so sorry I did not see this before I yeeted for a month!!!

Oooh okay first of all dare me as a DA… I’ve only watched the show but like yeah I see the Elements for sure.

Also yeah I can understand what you mean abt Oliver being an unreliable narrator now… Ig my view of unreliable was more like they are purposefully twisting the truth or omitting facts or just literally don’t know shit but I get how personal bias can make the narrator unreliable. I do think the assertion that Oliver thinks his friends are different than they actually are makes sense. He sees James in a very positive light and though I like James a lot and think he is better than, like, Richard, he definitely has darker moments and manipulates Oliver at times (again I’d like to think it’s not the most nefarious thing in the world but like him just being shitty bc he’s in a dark place and he one, wants to do anything he can so Oliver doesn’t figure out he fought Richard so Oliver still thinks of him the same way/bc he knows Oliver would do something stupid like get himself arrested for James; and two, is very jealous that Oliver is with Meredith after Richard dies and has sort of a somewhat positive outcome from Richard’s death versus James being riddled with guilt and anger). And yeah, the probable ending is they never meet but I refuse to acknowledge that so LGNRG. Also that line makes me go CRAZZZZZZZZZZY!!! There are so many great lines, both using Shakespeare and on their own and its like okay give me a moment im going bonkers…

Personally, I haven’t read that many dark academia novels yet (bc for some reason i can barely finish a book rn sigh) but the concept interests me. I think what’s compelling is the setting/atmosphere of like ~mysterious college vibes~, and the idea of a sort of niche, obsessive bond and pursuit of knowledge with a tight knit group of friends (and the like inherent homoeroticism in every single DA elrngenrg). Like Dead Poet’s Society (the film I haven’t read the book) isn’t Dark in the same way most other dark academia is by like, obsession and death and manipulation (though of course there are dark elements with Neil’s storyline), but I think the other building blocks of academia are present there in a more wholesome way and you can see why people are drawn to that idea. As for the more Dark aspects I think it’s interesting to analyze things like group psyche, obsession, manipulation, etc, like what went wrong for everything to take such a dark turn???

 But, like everything else, it really has to be done well or else its just like okay….… I’ve tried to read TSH twice and I may try again but from the 100+ ish pages I read I totally get what you mean. IWWV is so interesting to me bc the characters are all very compelling and multifaceted and I like that they are a close friendship, we come in after 4 years of them spending all the time together and to me that is apparent. Like you said, we can see fissures and problems especially as the novel continues but there is care there between them. That also makes the decision to let Richard die much more interesting and sinister imo, as well as how all of them interact with each other after he dies, and how the roles of the group change without their “leader” so to speak. Also, maybe it’s just bc I like Shakespeare, but I think the academia part of IWWV is so much more accessible compared to TSH. Like I don’t know every Shakespeare play or anything so I didn’t understand every nuance or was like immediately like oh this is from Cymbeline or whatever the fuck, but you could understand the gist of things and it made sense that they spoke in Shakespeare lines bc that’s all they’ve been doing for four years and also theatre kids are Like That. Their pretention also provided any Layers to the story, like the parallels between the characters they play and their own arcs, how some of the lines echoed their own thots, foreshadowed, or they were able to say things through Shakespeare (I’m thinking of like, Oliver realized he loved James during Romeo and Juliet, the foreshadowing that James was going to ruin Richard’s life and that he dislikes Meredith/Richard when he quotes Mercutio at the start “A plague o’ both your houses”, the exchange Oliver and James had onstage and had that kiss during King Lear before Oliver was arrested,etc.) (Also I think the structure of some of the dialogue being formatted like a play really helped make it feel more realistic and immersive). Versus TSH which is just so pedantic and dense and hard to follow at times im like I get they are smart but what??? And maybe that’s part of the satire aspect (or maybe im dumb) but like donna I read TGF I know you are pretentious and info dump abt random obscure shit anyways so erglknerg. Like to me there was a Point to all of the academic Shakespeare stuff in IWWV and it was the soul of the book, and M.L. Rio made it very interesting—like the way that the directors reimagined the plays and had Julius Caesar be like a modern political play, the cool mirror shit in King Lear, the Macbeth and Romeo and Juliet performances where they did them at events and interacted with their environments (which were one of my favorite parts of the books bc I just think that concept is so interesting), etc. For TSH the shit they did literally just felt like “okay look at them they’re smart see you can’t even keep up!” like okay… I felt lost a lot and only like snapped into reality whenever Henry (?) was like oh… murder….. and even then I was like idk what this dude is saying but like he’s being darksided LMAO. And I also agree that it’s just like… Richard being thrown in the middle of this group could lend itself to some cool ideas but its hard to believe that he fits into the friendship group and hes just like hell yeah I love Greek so much and lets go kill this guy other than like okay ur gay and stupid and just want to impress Henry or whatever his name was (which he was but I digress). It’s just not as impactful to me as this close friend group falling apart. Ik TSH fans might be angry if they see this (and of course I haven’t finished the book so my perception may be warped but I also kno many ppl felt that way u did) bc I’ve seen ppl say IWWV is just like TSH but “lackluster” or whatever and while I can see some parallels (mostly b/w Richard and Henry and Alexander and Francis), I really think M.L. Rio expanded upon common DA tropes and the interesting parts of TSH but made it her own and interesting and oh yeah there are actually multiple compelling female characters and LGBT characters (and no incest)!!!

[edenofmonsters]

automatonophobia | one.

automatonophobia | [o-do-muh-tah-no-foh-bee-uh]

definition: 

extreme or irrational fear of human-like figures.

subject: 

mannequin | roman

notes: 

originally documented january 16th, 2019

1,349 words | 01 part | s. f. w.

on the eerie night you are left to close up shop, you gain an unexpected stalker.

*✧🌙✧*

“Have fun,” Tina says, already carting away to ticket and stock last minute merchandises. 

You depart with a playful salute to her retreating back and head toward the back room where you’ll find clothes for the next season, already pressed and ready for handling. You hadn’t seen yourself striving for visual merchandising, but once you explored the field, you couldn’t imagine having more fun doing anything else. 

Once armed, you make way to the mannequins on window display, bidding your coworkers goodnight as you go. It certainly won’t be your first time to lock up the shop, but you admit you are a bit antsy today, already imagining lazing on your bed and binging through one of many tv shows saved on your list. 

But enough daydreaming for the night. You are quick to remove the first still-life model from its base and detach the legs from the torso. Once you strip the masculine dummy down to nothing, you redress it, pulling apart limbs and turning it this way and that as necessary. It isn’t easy work, especially when the mannequin is a bit bigger than you and awkward to handle; however, the finished look makes it worth the sweat. The mannequin now wears a button up tucked into pants, a double breasted coat, and a pair of loafers. You save the tie for last.

“Under, over, loop, and...pull!” You grin, patting the cotton strip tied to perfection with mock affection. “I think I’ll call you Roman. What do you think, honey?” you joke to no one in particular, stretching up to press a lingering peck on the mannequin’s blank face. 

If you had pulled away sooner, you might not have felt the plastic molding underneath your lips to mirror yours. Startled, you jerk away, causing the dummy to topple to the floor in the process. Upon inspection from a distance, you see that the face is as featureless as it’s meant to be, still and inanimate.

I must be tired… Yet a disturbing chill settles into your blood. 

It felt too real. You touch a finger to your lips, still feeling the ghost pressure. A moment later, you mentally laugh at your antics. You chalk it to your vivid imagination and continue your task, starting by righting the fallen mannequin, which suddenly feels denser than before. You hesitantly pat it down with the intention to feel if the model is truly fake rather than to dust it. Satisfied, you work in a hurry, telling yourself it’s because you want to go home to relax for the night, despite knowing deep inside your heart it's due to a fear urging you to leave the shop. 

Within the hour, you undress and redress the window mannequins. All you have left to do is store the worn clothes for later dry cleaning and lock up. You take a cursory look around the shop, searching for anything that may be misplaced. When nothing comes up, you finally walk out to pull the storefront security gates shut. As you lock up, you glance at the front windows and balk.

“What...?” you whisper, hardly even able to achieve that because you suddenly can’t breathe. 

One of the three mannequins is gone, the very same one you kissed.

You grow icy with crippling dread, unable to comprehend what the hell is going on. It’s impossible for someone to have played a prank on you, because no one was with you, and you know you didn’t move it—it was one of the last things you saw before leaving through the front. You can’t explain it, and you refuse to. 

Just as you’re about to back away, a blotch of whiteness catches the corner of your eye. You turn toward the source and stumble back to a fall, a scream attempting to claw out of your throat but failing to do so, as you’ve sealed your mouth with your shaking hands. 

The mannequin stands there, peeking from the alleyway between the shops.

It takes you but seconds to scramble to your feet and bolt off, blood rushing in your ears and fear caving in at your neck. You run, resisting the need to rest and catch your breath, you run as if being chased, and you don't quit until you reach the bus stop. By then, the winter winds prove to be blissful against your overheated body. Even with the great distance, your eyes dart around your surroundings in paranoia. You’re surrounded by the night, the streetlamp serving as your lone light to fend off the darkness seeming to creep in closer and closer.

You contemplate running your way home, despite it being half an hour walk, but that idea is put to halt by the sound of steps in the distance. You freeze in place, not daring to seek out the noise; however, just because you refuse to acknowledge it doesn’t mean it will discourage the oncoming stranger. The steps become louder with each passing second until they seem to be right next to you, and then it stops. 

If I can’t see you, you can’t see me. You chant to yourself in hopes this is all a terrible nightmare. 

Once again, from your peripheral view, you can see a figure slicing through the darkness, like parting a black curtain, and walking right into the disc of light bathing you for display. You detect familiar loafers, and it is no mistake your stalker is the very same mannequin you seem to have breathed life into.

“Stay away!” you choke out, a hoarse sound scratching out of your chords. 

It says nothing, does nothing for an agonizing minute. It stands frozen in time, acting like the mannequin it’s meant to be, and the absurdity of this all makes you want to laugh at yourself. You choose to remain quiet, save for emitting some whimpers, waiting for your doom. Finally, it—he shakes his head and reaches forward, a jerky movement that scares you.

You cry out, falling into a crouch, as if doing so might protect you. You’re sobbing, clutching your ears, and anticipating some kind of pain, any kind at all. Nothing remotely hurtful comes your way; instead, arms bracket around your shaking body. The sudden contact sends your instincts into overdrive, and you try to wrestle away. His arms hold you fast, and you feel as if you’re struggling against two slabs of stone. You only halt when you realize he is doing nothing else but keeping you close in his long arms. Curious, you peek at him. Of course, you meet his white face with only vague indents serving as its facial features.

You’re not surprised he can’t talk at all, seeing as he has no mouth; however, his gestures are so human and expressive you’re able to convey some gist of what he’s trying to communicate. He thumbs your cheek with the tenderness of a lover, and you know he doesn’t mean you any harm, not at this point, at least. Seeing as he won’t hurt you for the time being, you calm yourself.

“W-what are you?” you ask without expecting an answer, eyes unable to keep to one place on its face.

His head tilts a fraction, a universal sign of confusion or ponderment before his seemingly immoldable face creases, one brow bone rising higher than the other. It may be dark, but the street lamp doesn’t hide the indicating smirk of amusement shadowing the lower half of his face. It’s clear the mannequin is saying, “Isn’t it obvious?” 

Ignoring the unsaid remark, you struggle to articulate your next question in fear of what he may do. 

“What do you want from me?”

His shoulders shake, like he’s chuckling, a chilling action without the sound that sends your bones trembling all over again. His grip tightens, conspicuously sinking his plastic fingers into your hip. It isn’t difficult to figure out his intent. You know this will be the last time you’ll be standing at this bus stop.

*✧🌙✧*

fin.

*✧🌙✧*

thoughts:

i’m not the only one who’s walked through a clothes store and thought it would be amazing if one of those fashionably dressed mannequins were to suddenly come alive and begin romancing you, right? on a side note, this is one of many stashed writings i wrote on a whim. i don’t believe i’ll write more for this, but we shall see.

resources:

monster masterlist by thespelia

encyclopedia of monsters by thespelia

[downspiral]

* / BPD ( borderline personality damon )

lil talk about damon’s behaviour, emotional patterns and mental health! i’m categorising this as a headcanon for simplicity’s sake but this is all based on canon material, whether unintentional or not i do genuinely think he has it in canon and will sort of be elaborating on why that’s clear to me. as a disclaimer none of this is meant to excuse any of his behaviour and hopefully it won’t come off that way either, but bpd and its associated stigma is a personal topic to me, so please go in with sympathy and an open mind. under the cut bc this could get lengthy!

so to start off with i’ll just briefly explain borderline personality disorder (BPD) for people unfamiliar with it— it’s a mood disorder that has many associated symptoms with various mental illnesses like depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, as well as substance issues, eating disorders and other personality disorders eg. antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder. it’s classed by four groups of symptoms:

emotional instability

disturbed patterns of thinking or perception

impulsive behaviour

intense but unstable relationships with others

( obviously this definition is too broad for any specific diagnosis, since everyone is different, and can’t be used alone to diagnose someone without ruling out other disorders and subjective opinion of a professional who knows enough about your behaviours to make an assessment, so from here on out i’m going to be drawing on my own experiences, and hopefully i’ll be able to articulate it in a way that makes sense, but please let me know if it doesn’t. )

***

the first and most glaringly obvious identifiers of this where damon is concerned in my opinion is a), his tendency to spiral very suddenly and abruptly after even minor triggers, such as failure, rejection or even just feeling insulted by someone he cares about, and b) his frequent impulsive behaviour, and what might be termed a lack of self-control in following those impulses - the first examples that come to mind would be his leaving for a road trip with katherine despite hating her, or killing jeremy because he was the first person he saw after feeling rejected by elena - and as he later admitted honestly, not knowing that it wouldn’t be permanent. 

so starting with a), his irrational spiralling — i’ll preface this by saying that in my own experience, my initial diagnosis where my therapist suggested BPD as a possibility was immediately after i told her that i felt my emotions were just more severe than most people’s, which is why i always felt i was overreacting to things, both bad and good, alternating with feelings of extreme numbness and dissociation which would follow immediately after as a coping method. bouncing between extremes of emotion is also something we see damon do constantly; not regarding the humanity switch detail and focusing solely on his ‘humanity-on’ behaviour, we still see him go between extremely cold, numb and uncaring (albeit often this is hidden behind deflection and humor) to deeply hurt, loving, and willing to make huge sacrifices for causes or for people. 

this is also a little muddled by the in-world lore of vampires having very heightened emotions. if you consider that damon already had BPD while a human, which is highly plausible given what we see of the decisions he made even then, then it follows that as a vampire those already-dysfunctional behaviours would be driven to extremes. this isn’t only obvious to the person watching; other characters comment on it constantly, e.g. almost any time katherine shows up, everyone immediately starts worrying if damon’s going to snap, having learned that the tiniest of things can send him into extreme behaviour, harmful to both himself - picking a fight with julian out in the open, described as having a death wish, and various suicide missions - and other people - e.g. attempting to kill jeremy and bonnie, despite it being abundantly clear that those two murders would make everything worse for him, and logically, make no sense, and serve no benefit to him. they were not thought-out decisions, not premeditated, and not something he would do in a sound state of mind, which is part of why they’re so painful to watch - they’re stupid, unjustified decisions, and seem irrational and disproportionate to whatever triggered him to make them. this also falls into the category of ‘lashing out’, something damon is frequently noted to do - often in the form of destroying or severing relationships, which may be done via simple purposeful negative interaction with someone, or doing more, genuine harm so that those relationships are ended regardless. 

this ties in both with the impulsive behaviour aspect, but also a comment elena once made which struck a huge chord with me as an identifier of BPD - she said he felt that everyone hated him, and in an attempt to face those perceptions or correct them as someone of sound mind would do, he instead tries to come to terms with the pain of that by making himself believe that they were right - ‘proving’ both to others and to himself that they were right to hate him, via doing bad things. while this particular incident was partially due to enzo’s influence and damon seeking approval from the only person he felt he could still get it from, he still had the agency to make that decision, and this wasn’t the only time where that behavioural pattern could be observed. 

the depth to which those thought processes go can sort of be seen when you consider season 8, where enzo and damon were both under the mind control of a siren, leaving only their subconscious with free will to resist. enzo’s instinct was to try and weave messages into the things that the siren had him do, knowing that bonnie would recognise them and be able to save him from doing more harm. on the other hand, damon’s instinct was to sever those relationships so completely that none of them would ever attempt to save him again, thus keeping them, in his eyes, out of harm’s way. 

i don’t wanna make this so long it’s unreadable so i’ll try and end it with this last point, which is that another symptom of BPD is latching on to one particular person - whoever might feel most significant to them at the time, whether a friend or romantic interest, though often those feelings can combine and become confused when that emotional connection is made (most obvious example being elena, who damon had a relatively good and stable friendship with, that seemingly functioned fine as it was, yet progressed into romance anyway and became destructive). when that said person is found, the intensity of your emotion leads to a usually unhealthy amount of attachment on your part - often leading to possessive, manipulative or even emotionally abusive elements of relationships that more often than not become toxic. this person becomes the sole way that you feel validation/love/approval/happiness, any good emotion at all - in a way, your brain compensates for previous and more significant traumas, e.g. parental abuse/neglect, by channelling all this emotion into the nearest outlet of love and acceptance you can find. as a result even the tiniest fraction of attention or approval from that person can completely brighten your mental state for weeks, while the tiniest perception of disapproval or neglect from them - note perception, this could be something as miniscule as a misunderstanding, a tone being read wrong in a text, a genuine mistake being interpreted as a deliberate attempt to separate - can be enough to drive you to suicidal ideation. 

obviously, whether it’s known to them or not, all this puts an unrealistic amount of expectation on the other person - one individual cannot possibly be responsible for the entire mental state of another, and will often - quite rightly - lead to the decision to end the relationship out of self-preservation. this is observed very frequently with damon’s close relationships; at some point, most of the people he’s been closest to have, with some degree of regret, been forced to write him off, because he puts too much strain on their own mental state. without significant effort to change on the part of the disordered person, sadly, this situation doesn’t usually have a resolution, because one’s own mental health is never the sole responsibility of others. it’s worth saying that most of these behaviours are done unintentionally and instinctively, as what seems the first logical conclusion in a brain that has been wired - physically, neurons and pathways in the brain have been grown by trauma that leads to those paths becoming the ‘right’ ones, rather than the healthy alternatives, which is usually what therapy’s end goal is - minimising the disordered pathways while reinforcing the positive ones, via practice of healthy behaviours and identifying bad thought processes so they can be stopped with the hope that those ones will take priority eventually. that being said, decisions that are motivated by and followed by, self-hatred, doesn’t excuse them from the harm they may cause other people. and it’s not fair - none of it is, because immediately what that situation seems to become is, ‘i didn’t ask to be this way, i don’t want to be harmful, but because i have been traumatised this is how i turned out, and now if i want healthy and good relationships, i have to work twice as hard against all my natural instincts just to ensure i come off as a person worth caring about’. 

this is getting a little off-topic, but to say - there is a stigma about BPD, often associated with emotional abuse and manipulation, and it’s too complex a topic to sum up in one paragraph, but the gist of it is that sadly in my experience there is truth to it. i feel as though my disorder increases the likelihood of me being harmful, which means i have to work twice as hard to stop it - things that seem like common sense, basic decency, human logic that comes naturally and as first instinct to many, have to be actively strived for by people with this particular disorder. so while failing to do so may happen more for those people, and thus lead to them coming off as a worse person, there is some explanation as to why - and of course that doesn’t mean excusing that behaviour, never! but, there is a grey area between ‘excusing and enabling unhealthy behaviour’ and ‘your disability grants you no leeway whatsoever’. there is a middle ground and it’s hard to find the right place to walk it, and probably differs for everyone, but for me that’s why damon is relatable, and why i think i have more tolerance for things that he’s done. 

i’ll just end this by saying that this is all one person’s experience of bpd and what i’ve observed from a few others i’ve known. i don’t speak for everyone with bpd, it’s not my call to make, mental disorder is overwhelmingly complex and hotly debated even in medical circles. but all that being said, i have recognised a lot of my own emotional experiences in damon’s and how the characters around him react to it (without the murder, obviously) and to me it is slightly more complex than ‘this is a shitty person’. thank you for reading all this if you did, it’s kind of hard to talk about, but hopefully for some this adds a little more insight into my portrayal and attachment to the character. 

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

CW: transphobia, homophobia. Also pretty long and I'm on mobile so I cant put a read more thing on it.

Ok so this is kind of a personal post so if you don't wanna hear about some of my personal drama, just scroll along. But I feel like I need to get this shit on record somewhere since I don't have the screenshots of the texts this is concerning anymore.

So a little over a year ago, I told the person who'd been my best friend, we'll call her E, since I was about 9 that I didnt want to be friends with her anymore. More on that later.

Back in senior year of high school I started thinking I might be Bi. I brought this up to E and she was super dismissive right off that bat. Saying that I wasnt, sounding like she was trying to console me. Like being Bi was this awful thing that I needed to worry about.

Well fast forward about a year and a half and I went up to my college with her so I could do new student orientation since I was starting the next semester. This is when the fact that I was Bi sort of smacked me in the face because the girl doing my orientation was super hot. I immediately knew I wouldnt be telling E that.

Fast forward to march of 2017. Its spring break. I've reconnected with my high school friends. I've never felt the need to hide my sexuality from them and they were instantly nothing but supportive of me. We never really hung out outside of school back in high school (or in elementary school either in Eric's case.) I start realizing that I've been having more fun with them then I ever did with E. And I finally had people to geek out about sciencey stuff with because E doesnt believe in science but eric LOVES science. It was nice.

Well a couple weeks after spring break me and Es mutual friend Althea asked me to drive her to the shelter so she could get her boyfriends cat fixed (it's way cheaper there then at the vet) and spent the day hanging out with her because she WAS planning to walk back there to pick up the cat afterwards and I was like "uh no. I'm not gonna make you walk across town by yourself." So I finally got to meet her boyfriend. Well that afternoon E came and picked me up to go up to the KU campus to get some more bus passes to go to our college in KC because our school was out of bus passes and didnt know when theyd get more.

Here's when I kinda started to realize I should maybe get out of this friendship. On the way to campus E starts telling me about her day at school and how "theres a girl that used to be a guy in one of my teachers other classes. It's making me uncomfortable."

Me: "that sounds like a you problem, E."

Now I knew she kind of thought that way already. She may not have said shit like that around our other friends but I had to hear it a lot. But because I'm pretty nonconfrontational and she was my only close friend outside of school and I was terrified of being alone, I usually just ignored it or politely debated her about it but generally just agreed to disagree. This was the first time I ever decided to speak up to her about it. Unfortunately I couldnt say much cuz her mom was the one driving us and i knew she agreed with everything E said.

But I'd been hanging out with althea and her boyfriend (who just so happened to be trans) all morning so suddenly having to hear E talk about how uncomfortable trans people make her got me more fired up than usual.

After this I slowly started distancing myself from her. I'd been hoping for a few years that she'd grow up and accept that not everyone is like her and try to be more open minded and accepting of people. Apparently that wasnt happening.

I stopped responding to her texts as often. I was trying to think of a way to talk to her about it but all my past friendships that fell apart, did so naturally and on a silent mutual agreement. So I was half hoping that would happen. Pretty stupid. Dont recommend. Just be straight with people.

After a few months of me only answering her texts every once in a while, she decided to start calling me multiple times a week. Often while I was at work. Sometimes from her mom and sisters phones when I wouldnt answer from her number. Idk y she thought that would work. She knows I hate talking on the phone.

I still didnt know what to say to her. I probably should've just told her I needed some space and she might've backed off for awhile so I could figure it out. But subway stressed me tf out. And i have no idea how you're supposed to end a relationship with your best friend of over 10 years.

(Also some of my other reasons for not wanting to be friends with her were specifically because of althea and I didnt want althea to get dragged into it. Unfortunately it ended up happening anyways. But basically back in highschool, if we were planning for all four of us (me, e, althea, and nikki) to get together, and nikki would have something come up, E would tell althea our get together was cancelled but would still have me come over and then made me promise not to say anything to althea about it.)

Around march or april of last year I blocked her family's numbers. This is when they started showing up at my work. The first time it happened I had a long ass line and was helping my coworker get through it before I left. Her sister came in by herself and just asked how I was doing but left pretty quick after she got her sandwich since it was busy. A couple more times they came and just parked outside like they were waiting for me to get off my shift but ended up leaving. The last time it happened E came in while I was there alone and I really didnt wanna have THAT conversation while i was at work alone and her crazy overprotective mom was out in the car waiting for her. So i made her sandwich very quickly so i could get her out as fast as I could.

I was planning on finally talking to her around the end of april but was still having trouble figuring out what to say.

Unfortunately any plan I had to let her down easy was sort of thrown out the window on may 13th of last year.

My mom texted me that morning about how she got a weird call from Es aunt. On her work phone. This is basically how that call went:

"IS THIS OLIVIAS MOM?????"

My mom, suddenly worried it's my work and something happened to me, "Yes?"

"Why isnt olivia talking to E anymore?"

"............I dont know."

So that kind of crossed a line for me. It really freaked my mom out.

I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when I'm mad or stressed out tho. So my friend Alice ended up writing out the text for me and I read through it to make sure it was ok.

Basically it said "I'm sorry but I dont think we can be friends anymore. The way you talk about the LGBT+ community makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially seeing as I am bisexual and have several friends in the community. The way you used to exclude althea from hanging out with us because you think shes annoying and then expect me to lie to her about it makes me uncomfortable. It was inappropriate to show up at my work unannounced to corner me into talking to you when I needed space. And it was even more inappropriate for your relatives to call my mom at work. I'm sorry I didnt say something sooner but I'm tired of pretending I'm ok with everything you've said over the years."

Then her mom texts me. I dont remember all of it but the gist was "you're a horrible person. E never judged you or anyone else (sure, miss "gay people are gross. I can see how conversion therapy might work." Totally isnt judging anyone and 100% cares about the lgbt+ community.) The only reason she did those things is because she was worried about you."

Then E left me a voicemail that I couldnt understand at all cuz she was crying and I felt terrible even tho everyone was telling me I shouldn't. Now I probably should've taken out the part about althea because it effectively threw my "not wanting to get althea involved" plan out the window. Honestly what really pissed me off about this next part both made me pissed at E but also at myself. E removed herself from the group chat I had with her, nikki, and althea. Blocked althea on Facebook and blocked her number. Didnt bother to explain why. I still feel terrible about this even tho althea has told me many times that it's fine and if she'd had to pick a side she wouldve picked mine. But I still felt like she at least deserved an explanation.

Alice told me to screenshot the texts. I almost didn't cuz I just wanted to forget about all this. But I did.

Anyways life moved on. Eric got a new phone and gave me his beat up galaxy s7. I stuck my s6 into a drawer and let it die and forgot about it.

Then on new years I got a call from althea. Not weird at all. She calls me every major holiday and birthday. Shes done this every year since junior year of high school.

Normal phone call at first. But then she says that her mom has been talking to E's mom. Apparently E's mom told altheas mom that I told E that althea hates her and thinks shes a terrible person and that's why E hasnt been talking to althea. Althea of course didnt believe that but wanted me know about it. This prompted me to try and charge up my old phone and get the screenshots off of it. I had it plugged in for a couple of days and it never turned back on. So that's out apparently.

That's also why I felt the need to get all of this written down. It may not be as great as having the actual screenshots but I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when confronted so I want to have something written down in case any of this comes up again.

[sign-from-god-complex]

I’m really glad you like it!!!! Sorry that this took so long! I’ve actually been doing more than just SpIn stuff recently which is a change, haha.

(this one is more in-depth but hopefully it’s not boring?? I hope that’s okay. it’s also way longer, so, uhhhh, whoops.)

-------------

In the early days, Virgil would just call in Roman to lay on top of him as a pressure stim. Roman was strangely the best choice because Patton always made it too cuddly and Virgil felt overwhelmed, and Logan found it very uncomfortable. Virgil was worried that Roman would be too squirmy, but he was actually very good at being still.

Eventually Roman bought Virgil a weighted blanket, which definitely made Virgil cry a little bit cause he’d been talking about getting one for ages. Virgil still sometimes calls Roman in to lay on top of him when he wants to spend time with someone without actually spending time with anyone.

-------------

Logan makes notes of everything. He finds it difficult to remember all the many things he is expected to do by social conventions that just don’t seem intuitive to him so he writes them all down and files them. Things he’s filed include step-by-step instructions on how to deal with a panic attack, as well as contemporary slang terms and body language cues and their meanings.

He has a System for his filing and the one time Roman came into his room and grabbed a book off the shelf without asking, Logan screamed at him. Roman has since learned not to touch Logan’s things, as Logan has learned not to yell at Roman for singing in the hallways. They’re getting better at communicating.

-------------

While most people with ASD tend to have low levels of empathy (specifically cognitive empathy, the ability to read other’s emotions) Virgil and Patton both have hyper-empathy. They’re always aware of the vibe of a room and it can heavily influence how they’re feeling. Highly emotional rooms can be just as overwhelming for them as very loud or bright ones, and they always look out for each other when they’re in them, ready to take the other out of the situation if they need it.

Roman and Logan both have low empathy, which bothers Roman in particular cause he always wants to help people (by slaying whatever’s burdening their life, you know the gist), but he can never actually tell when anyone’s upset. It also results in them both accidentally upsetting people quite often.

-------------

Logan has alexithymia, or an inability to recognise what emotions he, himself, is feeling (which commonly overlaps with ASD). This also extends to having bad interoception - the ability to read internal signals such as hunger or thirst.

He follows his schedule super closely not just cause it upsets him to deviate from it, but also because he may forget to do important things like eating if he didn’t. He has alarms set on his phone for some things, as well as some of those apps that remind you to drink water and such.

When he was creating these alarms he initially forgot that drinking water was another thing he needed to have alarms for. He was wandering around all day with a headache, wondering whether it was lack of sleep or stress or something, until he mentioned it to Virgil and Virgil asked if he’d drunk any water today. He immediately informed Virgil he was an idiot and downloaded an app to remind him to drink water.

-------------

Roman is the worst at taking care of himself when he’s upset or overwhelmed (see the previous ask where I mentioned he was the most likely to try and work through sensory overload) cause he’s very much of the faulty mindset that he’s strong enough to just push through and ignore whatever is bothering him.

One of the ways this presented was Roman eating whatever food was made for him even when he couldn’t stand the texture. He did this for ages, to the point where Patton made something with a very bad texture in it (say, avocado, cause avocados are just the worst texture ever) and Roman literally started crying at the dinner table.

They managed to get to a point where Roman was a little more okay and he explained. Virgil then pointed out that some days he doesn’t eat anything aside from frozen waffles and that bananas have been permanently banned from all meals because Logan can’t stand them. Roman feels slightly more okay about it.

Patton always runs dinner by Roman first now, or if Roman is busy, he’ll ask Logan, who has a running list of all the things Roman can’t eat.

------------- 

One of Logan’s special interests is space and astronomy (obviously). Once every so often when they feel like Logan is particularly down or stressed (always telling Logan and Virgil in advance so they know which day to expect it) they all go to the imagination and stargaze. They always pick a slightly different sky to look at so there’s some variation - some days it’s the day Thomas watched a meteor shower, or the day that there was a lunar eclipse, or even just an exceptionally clear Sunday evening.

It’s one of the only times Logan is so obviously happy. He talks nonstop about the science of starlight in relation to time or about the different influences on the naming of planets, the classification of Pluto etc. etc. He actually flaps when he gets super excited about something, which is uncommon for him. The other three love seeing him so carefree.

-------------

Patton has echolalia, especially when he’s interacting with animals. Did that dog bark at him? You better believe he’s going to bark back. If a cat meows in his general vicinity he will also meow. It’s also the way he communicates to the others that there’s an animal if he sees one.

If he gets super excited about something like a line in a tv show or something he’ll just repeat it really enthusiastically to the others and they’ll repeat it back to him to show they know and are also excited. And he’ll repeat the beeping of the microwave or knocking on the door if he’s wanting to draw attention to it since he isn’t the one getting it. Patton is almost always the one who starts mindscape-wide vine quoting, but the others are always very quick to join in.

It took them all a while to understand what Patton meant when he would use little phrases instead of clearly stating what he was trying to say (and then getting frustrated - “gosh, words can be tough”), but they’ve all adapted to it over time. Logan has several pages of notes dedicated to Patton’s speech quirks (e.g. duck out, “quack”; “beep beep”: move away and give me space; “second star to the right and straight on til morning”: Logan, you’re overworking yourself and you need to go to sleep, etc.).

-------------

Listening to music is a whole thing with Virgil. Like, he’ll listen to it any chance he’ll get, but also if he’s Listening, you have to leave him alone. It’s so heavily tied to his emotions, it calms him down remarkably easily and it blocks out negative sensory input. The first and only time Roman unplugged Virgil’s headphones in an attempt to get him to play his music out loud, Virgil had a meltdown.

Listening to music is also a whole thing with Roman but in an entirely different way. To Roman, music is a Big Thing. Music needs to be stimmed to, music needs to be sung and danced to. Music deserves to be heard. Roman will play his music out loud in common areas and it pisses Virgil off for reasons he can’t fully articulate.

To Virgil, music is personal, to Roman, music is a shared experience. They both come to accept that they don’t understand how the other feels, but they respect it anyway.

-------------

I hope this was okay!!! I spent over 3 hours writing all of this cause I got really excited about all the possibilities and then maybe I wrote too much??? I like it though.

[theajaheira]

imperfections (54/?)

read it on ao3!

in which the scooby parents have a conversation.

Upon arriving at home, Jenny shepherded Willow and Xander into the kitchen (Faith, off to get milkshakes with Buffy, gave Jenny a quick, awkward hug before leaving), and Rupert made them hot chocolate. Xander took his mug up to bed, but fifteen minutes later, Willow was on her fourth mug and going strong.

“Giles, can I have another one after this?” she asked absently, wrapped in a flannel blanket Jenny had pulled out of the hall closet.

“Five mugs and you’ll have had more than everyone else in this house combined,” said Rupert, placing a gentle hand on Willow’s shoulder. “It’s getting late, Willow. I think you should head up to bed after this.”

Willow nodded, eyes unfocused. “I keep on thinking about, about how maybe my mom might be worried,” she mumbled. “On account of me not being home, and after all that stuff that went down—”

“Do you want me to call her?” Jenny asked.

“No,” said Willow.

Jenny uncurled Willow’s fingers from the mug, handing it to Rupert. “C’mon, sleepy,” she said, pulling Willow carefully up from the chair and into her arms. “Come here. It’s okay. How about you go up to bed and I make you that last mug of hot chocolate at breakfast tomorrow?”

“My mom says hot chocolate from a mix is cheap and tacky,” Willow said into Jenny’s shoulder, “but she never makes me hot chocolate with syrup ‘cause she says she never has enough time—”

“Okay, honey,” said Jenny, focused primarily on getting Willow to go to sleep. “It has been a long night, huh?”

“I wanna go home,” said Willow, and sniffled. “I mean, I don’t wanna go home, I just want to not be at home right now. I want my home to be where it’s supposed to be.”

Jenny decided that now probably wasn’t the time to start a conversation about home and family with an exhausted, upset Willow. Momentarily, she buried her face in Willow’s hair, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. “Let’s go to bed,” she said, and was gratified to find that Willow had relaxed when she pulled back.

To Jenny’s surprise, Rupert, who had been tentatively following them both, stopped them in the foyer. Without a word, he tugged Willow into a hug, wrapping the blanket a little more securely around her shoulders as he did so. “Do you need something to sleep in?” he murmured, squeezing Willow’s shoulder. “I have a few t-shirts if you need to borrow—”

Stunned, Jenny watched as Rupert steered Willow the rest of the way up the stairs, speaking to her in a low, comforting voice as she leaned against him. Up until his decision to quit the Council, Rupert had been visibly uncomfortable whenever one of the kids was going through some kind of emotional turbulence, leaving Jenny to make sure they were okay. Up until right now, Jenny hadn’t realized that, ever since that decision, he’d been making an effort to support the kids in the same way she did.

Rupert came down the stairs just as this realization was sinking in, and ended up getting the full brunt of Jenny’s touched smile. He looked wrung-out and sad, but his face relaxed at her expression. “I’m glad I could at least help someone,” he said, giving her a self-deprecating grin in return. “I worry I’m not all that good at providing the sort of comfort Willow needs.”

“You’re lucky you make idiocy look sexy, because that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said,” said Jenny, and stood on tiptoe to hug him. She meant for it to be a quick hug, because they really did have to get to sleep, but all of a sudden, she remembered the hollow, painful loneliness of that summer without him. Her arms tightened around his waist. “You did good, Rupert,” she whispered, pressing a hard kiss to his shoulder; she wasn’t sure how else to articulate how much his helping the kids meant to her.

Rupert seemed to get the gist. “Terrible as it is that her mum can’t provide her with one, I think our home is right where she’s supposed to be,” he said very softly.

“Yeah,” said Jenny. “Me too.”

That was when the doorbell rang. Startled, Jenny jumped, then reluctantly pulled herself away from Rupert, crossing the room to open the door. In response to his worried expression, she reminded him, “Vampires don’t generally use the doorbell.”

“They could have learned,” said Rupert, but he seemed appeased.

Opening the door, Jenny stared. “Joyce?”

“Hi, Jenny, Rupert,” said Joyce, in a shyly earnest way that made much more sense than crazy-witch-burning lady. “Can we talk?”

When they entered the kitchen, Giles busied himself with clattering around in the cupboards pretending to make tea. This was, he knew, a conversation that he should probably be involved in, but the look in Joyce’s eyes suggested that it was Jenny she had come to talk to. Being in the same room seemed like a compromise of sorts.

“It’s a little late for a social call,” Jenny was saying, a light laugh in her voice. Giles well recognized that laugh: it only ever surfaced when Jenny was worried. “Is everything okay? Is Buffy—”

“Oh, Buffy’s fine,” said Joyce immediately. “I think she’s still out with Faith.” She let out a wobbly laugh of her own. “I came here because…”

“Because?” Jenny prompted gently.

“God, this is awkward,” said Joyce ruefully. It took her a few seconds to continue. “I understand Rupert’s involvement in my daughter’s life,” she said. “Buffy’s explained the whole Watcher deal to me, and while there are some parts of it I don’t necessarily like, I can at least respect it. But you…this isn’t something that you have to be a part of, and yet I think your being here has helped my daughter and her friends in so many ways.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Jenny began.

“Now’s not the time to be modest,” said Joyce firmly. “Buffy talks about you a lot at home. She says you’re the reason that Faith isn’t staying in that seedy little motel downtown, and I’m inclined to agree.” She paused, then said, “You’re clearly an important factor in making this part of Buffy’s life something a little less…”

“Horrible?” said Jenny helpfully.

“Yes,” said Joyce. “That.” She swallowed, then said, “The things I said under the influence of that demon…it hurt to know that Buffy believed me so readily. I know so little about being a Vampire Slayer, but I want to be able to support my daughter. And I can’t do that if I’m not there for her in every part of her life, not just the ones that I feel like I can handle.”

Giles stilled. The statement resonated with him, but he didn’t know how to express that in front of Joyce.

“So what are you saying?” Jenny asked.

“I’m saying…” Joyce trailed off. “I’m saying I’d really like a crash course on the life of a Vampire Slayer from someone else who hasn’t always been a part of it,” she said. “Preferably not by stumbling across a dead body or two. I know that that demon did things to my mind, but I don’t know if it’d have been as easy for it if I’d known at least a little bit about…I don’t know. Protection symbols.”

Jenny laughed, this one a low, warm sound that made Giles smile softly at the kettle. “I’ll say,” she said, and when Giles turned to look at them, he saw that Jenny had reached to touch Joyce’s hand over the table. “Look, there really isn’t a lot to the supernatural. If you want, we can call you in for the next Scooby meeting and you can watch how we work? I’m sure Buffy’s not gonna be over the moon about the idea initially, but merging the supernatural aspects of her life with the, uh, natural ones…I think that could be good.”

“I rather agree,” said Giles tentatively. As Jenny and Joyce looked up, he continued, “If these last few years have taught me anything, it’s that treating Buffy solely as a Vampire Slayer is…” He trailed off. “Cruel,” he said. “She’s a talented, capable girl, and the Council’s determination to use her as a weapon is utterly reprehensible. I think having you involved in her supernatural responsibilities might help remind her that being the Slayer is not the only thing she has to focus on.”

Joyce smiled slightly. “It’s good to see that you have Buffy’s best interests at heart,” she said. “I must admit, Rupert, hearing about this arrangement for the first time, I had my doubts about you.”

“You had every reason to,” said Giles, thinking of the man who had flown to Sunnydale, economy class, thinking of bloody course they assign me a secondhand Slayer who’s due to die in a year or two anyway. “Buffy is a remarkable girl to have changed me so thoroughly.” He smiled too, glancing over at Jenny, who blushed. “Though I don’t think all the credit lies with her.”

“No, I don’t think it does,” said Joyce warmly, squeezing Jenny’s hand. “You two are doing incredible work, taking care of those kids.” She hesitated, then said, “If you ever want any adult company, I do attend a neighborhood book club, and they’re always happy to welcome new members.”

Giles tried to remember the last time he’d been in the proximity of adults he actually liked (excluding, of course, Joyce and Jenny). “We might have to take you up on that,” he agreed.

“Is there anything else we can help with?” Jenny added.

“Thanks, but I should really be getting home,” said Joyce with a small, tired smile. “I don’t exactly like the thought of Buffy coming back to an empty house.”

“I’ll walk you to your car,” Jenny suggested, standing up. Joyce followed her out of the kitchen, leaving Giles to contemplate this development.

Even as recently as a few months ago, he might have been comparing Joyce’s request with what was and wasn’t accepted by the Council, trying to decide whether involving the Vampire Slayer’s mother was Council-sanctioned, perhaps even attempting to dissuade or ostracize Joyce if he believed that it wasn’t. The concept of the Council being an infallible, trustworthy source of information had been one that had comforted him after Eyghon: their rules, he had felt, would keep him in check.

But that was a man who hadn’t seen what the Scooby Gang looked like under the guidance of Jenny Calendar. Willow, Xander, Faith…all of them, Faith in particular, had desperately needed care and attention. Though the Council rules did provide a baseline, they also required one to look at human beings as chess pieces, and Giles was beginning to find that concept more and more distasteful.

Jenny reentered the kitchen, yawning. “I think this could be good,” she said. “It’s really nice to know that at least one of our kids has a parent with a brain.”

The phrase our kids, coming from Jenny, sent a fierce twist of want through Giles, one that more than surprised him. He filed this information away to process at a much later date. “It is fortunate,” he agreed. “Gives us a bit less to worry about in terms of Buffy.”

Jenny hesitated. “About that,” she said.

“This is about the Cruciamentum, isn’t it?”

Jenny nodded. “Her birthday’s approaching,” she said, “and we really need to tell her about it before the Council shows up with the drugs and the vampire.”

Giles wavered. “Jenny, I don’t at all like the idea of telling Buffy anything about this,” he began.

“Look, I know it’s not going to be a fun conversation—”

“It’s not that,” said Giles. “I can very easily see Buffy deciding to take on the Cruciamentum so as not to jeopardize my job. She is a reckless girl, but her impulsivity is almost always motivated by compassion. Hearing that I might not be her Watcher if she doesn’t comply to this test…”

“You don’t get to make that decision for her prematurely, Rupert,” said Jenny firmly. “Whether or not you and I agree with what Buffy wants to do, the fact remains that this is still something that’s gonna really affect her, no matter how it plays out. She deserves to have a say in its outcome.”

Giles exhaled. “I don’t like it when you’re right about these things,” he finally said.

“I know,” said Jenny, grinning. “But if you sulk every time I’m right, you’d be sulking in perpetuity.”

“Debatable,” said Giles, letting her tug him out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

[sieben9]

@scribbles-by-kate reblogged your post and added: ““heroes and villains” impressions”

*hugs you* Yeah, this was so, so, so sad.

Whoops, good catch on the mirror thing. Would you believe I clean forgot about that? (I went back to the post and put in an edit at the point in question)

Also, this is long, and gets a cut.

{Quick request to anyone reading: I’m watching OUaT for the first time, and I want to avoid spoilers. So, if you want to discuss something spoilery, I’d be grateful if you could start a new post for that. Thank you!}

So, as for the “I tried to be everything” thing... yes, there were hints. There were always hints, but that’s not my real problem here, and I’ll try to articulate it better:

This scene asked for a lot of emotional buy-in. After all, the emotional distress I feel when I see fictional characters suffer is still real emotional distress. Properly foreshadowing something like this (not just “this will blow up,” because that was clear from the get-go, but also hints as to what the blowing-up might be about), is practically the writer going “it’s OK, I know what I’m doing, trust me,” so when I get to the crisis point, I’m ready and mostly-willing to be emotionally devastated. This... didn’t really work that way. To put it slightly over-the-top, it was much more like the story putting a gun to my head and saying “now cry!” Mind you, I did, and the scene itself was good TV, but looking back, I think that in the hand of less skilled actors, I could very easily have bounced off of it, because I wouldn’t have been ready to make that emotional investment.

...that sounds even more weird and esoteric than it did in my head, but I hope you get the gist.

Look, I’m not arguing that Belle didn’t make this decision in a moment of extreme emotion that’s in keeping with her character, but I’d still say that it was not a good decision. It was her “act now, ask questions never” streak at it’s worst, which makes sense, because we’ve never seen her so upset before, I think. Not even when Moe tried to kill her, which is saying something. And she had every right to be. I just don’t think that was a good state of mind for her to make decisions, and maybe she should have taken another one of those walks, 2.01 style.

I get being furious with him. I get breaking up with him, and I certainly get the “I don’t want to hear another word” from her. (Though the fact that she was still holding the dagger when she said that makes it so much worse than it had to be in my eyes, buuut that’s another discussion)

Basically, I get why Belle did it, I just think that she screwed up mightily. (I also think the dagger complicates matters further, but that’s, again, another discussion)

I absolutely loved the scene between Regina and Rumple! They didn’t need anything from each other, they weren’t trying to outmaneuvre each other, it was really just two very old best enemies/friends talking, and (in their own weird ways) wishing each other all the best for the future. Like, I honestly don’t think there was any ulterior motive from either in that moment. It was just... really sweet.

Cruella is great and I love her already. I am easily influenced by good snark *g*

[vacationcalendar]

8/6/21

hi....

So, judging by the 14 day gap in my “daily” blog, the trip took more out of me than I was hoping. I’m gonna go back and read my last post and hear how nervous I was about losing my sweet sweet structure, and I’ll just nod my head in silence like, “we know buddy, we know.”

So today, I’m going to get back on the horse, and maybe do a teensy bit of rationalizing/excusing on the way. Because no matter what happens, I will always be a good person ;D

To be clear, I did a couple hand written blogs on the road. And I did say that I would not transpose them here. I mean, the hand-writing alone would make that task nigh impossible. But since it’s only TWO goddamn posts, maybe I’ll give it a shot. The first one was on-time, it was 7/23; I wrote it in a moving car- actually lemme read it real quick.  -------

Ok, yeah, the gist of the whole post was just “Fuck, this is going to be tough.” I was donating all of my energy to staying present with my family. And normally, that would round out at about 90 minutes, tops. But when you’re at a beach house, it’s the whole experience. I’m realizing now that I budget my “work” time for writing; I still have a hard time budgeting my “free” time (relaxation time?) for writing instead. And now I see that I thought that I’d be treating time with my family as my free time, and I’d still have a little bit of work time to use for the blog. This was not the case. This was the specific fear I was feeling before the trip that I could not articulate. Family time is under no circumstances “relaxation time”. That is the work time. Full stop. Every second I stole away from them instantly became a moment to recharge the batteries, and as awesome I seem to be at the writing shit, I can not yet do this to “unwind.” The writing is work, and spending meaningful time with my family is probably harder work than actually working at a job.

So I realize now that I didn’t write anything this trip because I was WORKING MY ASS OFF. And I should have known that. Have I never talked to my mother on the phone before? It’s just that times like 5 in person. Obviously. But now, I’m looking around like, is this whole vacation thing a scam? You have to put in so much effort to milk the fun experiences out of it. You can’t just wander outside with your arms out and catch fun like a sunbeam. AND it was wildly expensive? I shouldn’t have to shell out that kinda cash and still have to work that hard.

 Although, I did realize on the beach one morning that this is what you’re paying for. You’re paying for the privilege of accessing the one of the only beautiful places left on Earth. The earth has a limited number of amazing places, so capitalism decided to protect them and make them stay special by making them prohibitively expensive. Otherwise it would be wall to wall people, filling it up with garbage, because even that would still be better than living in Ohio. Like that’s Econ 101. But as I was walking and remembering that the system has been rigged for generations, I got pissed. Like, some rich white guys decided long ago who should be rich (their kids, and maybe their race too, why not?) and who SHOULDN’T. And now you see an amazing place that basically has a placard hanging in the entrance that says “rich people only,” and we’re all pretending like that’s a fair system. It honestly seems a little sad that a even a system that was a true meritocracy would decide who gets to enjoy a clean, beautiful beach, because that’s not how amazing things should be treated. It’s exclusiveness is not at all what makes it beautiful. But when you find out the capitalism has had its white thumb on the scale for centuries, and then has the audacity to pretend it doesn’t anymore, and you know for a fact it’s why a majority of the people on this island are here in the first place, it feels fucking awful. 

Like, I’m sitting here, even now, thinking “what the fuck do I actually do about this?” And for a second there, I was like this is a cool thing to put in a book, and I had to actually make sure I didn’t just mean “ooh, racism bad!” No shit. I’m also pretty sure that’s been tackled before. I’d something A LITTLE fresher than that. The real question is, “how do the people living in an all-encompassing system that governs them throw away that system? How do they actually enact a plan to replace the entire system with a new one and get away with it?” Because any system will have people at the top, and those people will fight to keep that system in place. I mean, they’re literally at the top, this new system wouldn’t have them anywhere near the top! Are you shitting me? Hell, most of the new systems that might show up would put that bastards in jail for God’s sakes. So yeah, they’ll fight it tooth and nail, why wouldn’t they? And they are literally in charge. And I mean, when I lay it out like that, the answer to this pivotal question is obvious: revolution. You as a people need to muster up the courage and the energy to burn it all down. Those black lives matter protests were huge for this. They pumped with courage AND energy for weeks. And while I think that kind of energy is bound to fade, the courage stays.

I’m writing something in my head right now. I just realized I could probably share it with you in writing... jesus...

Part of my idea for Captain Toch was that he was in the revolution business. He never cared about the who or the why, but he was always ready to create chaos. It was the only place in time he truly thrived. He found that living through a coup was the most profitable thing a person could do. When the ladder falls, it’s all up for grabs, and it’s only really dangerous to the folks trying to scurry back up the ladder. Ettis feels he was made to knock ladders over. He isn’t one for sitting on top of one. It’s two completely different skills, taking people down and building people up. Weaver questions him on this: Don’t you ever feel guilty? You’re success is only ever in the downfall of others? You’re stability only ever comes from the chaos imposed on thousands? But Ettis disagrees. “I’ve never in me whole life seen a ladder that couldn’t use a rattlin’. People pray their whole life that one day the people on top would be shaken from their towers. And the only people that pray that the towers hold steady is the bastards inside ‘em. And I’ve never met a man inside a tower that ‘asn’t overstayed his welcome. Every profound act of chaos would see a new opportunity to establish order. Every tower that falls gives us guys enough pieces left over to build a better one for his kiddos. You’ll always hear buggers beggin’ ya to leave it alone, but they’ll never one of ‘em tell you why you shouldn’t. (I’m not sure yet what Ettis’s take on the dreaded power-vacuum would be. He feels justified in overthrowing governments but is clear that he doesn’t put any effort in helping people put together a better one in the aftermath. He has definitely oversimplified things, and ultimately he mostly just feels like this is his purpose on earth. This is talent, and I don’t think coming after kings who have proven themselves to be villainous should be too problematic to distract the reader from Weaver spending so much time with this character. I definitely think this is a perfectly good reason for Weaver to move on from the Fran’s Lion and onto new adventures after this though)

One thing I do want Weaver to challenge Ettis on is: What do you do when a king is a good man? Would you still topple his leadership for a score? And I think Ettis would tell Weaver that it’s literally never happened. And we’re left to take that how we will. Some part of Weaver doesn’t believe him; like Ettis is manufacturing his righteous position for his own means. But another part of Weaver does believe it. He’d never met a kind ruler or a fair one in his life, although he had seen far fewer. Maybe kings were meant to be taken down from time to time? Maybe this chaos washing up onto these king’s shores was itself part of larger, more natural, order of things. The forest would burn off rotten dead trees from time to time to the benefit of the forest. The rains would run off spent soil into the river to keep the plants coming back each season. Why couldn’t a ship of men come ashore and raise a din looking for treasure, when that treasure only existed in the first place because the king had been poisoned by greed? Still, Weaver couldn’t help but feel a little sad that the first truly great man he’d managed to meet was the one bringing the storm and not building the houses. Maybe bringing order to that many people was simply not a possible task. It just FELT like is was. And that feeling sank into Weaver’s chest. He realized for the first time in his stay aboard the Fran’s Lion he wasn’t feeling hungry anymore.

Huh, I kinda like that. I should write more details for the book like this. I mean, my style still needs work, but all the more reason to keep swinging at it. And style notwithstanding, I think I hammered a decent little idea there at the end. 

You know what? For completion’s sake. Let’s take this time to finish getting the second “analog” blog post summed up in here.

reading------ 7/28/21

Sentence one: OK, writing *not* at my desk is BULLSHIT, and I won’t do it. FUCKING SORRY.

So yeah, it just wasn’t going to happen, lol. Oh wow! My next sentence is literally: I’m still a good person. Deal with it.

I literally said that at the start of this blog too, omg. I forgot about that.

Yeah, I was pretty upset that I couldn’t write while I was there. And to add on to my point at the start of today’s post, this is all evidence pointed to the fact that I can only work so many hours in a day before I run out of juice. I didn’t write when I wanted to when I had a job, and then I had a pseudo-job on the trip, and I couldn’t write then either. And the ONE TIME I did write (I read the rest of 7/28) it was fucking great and it felt fantastic and I got some really good thoughts and ideas down on paper to look back on later, and I STILL couldn’t get into doing it while I was there. It’s not just a good idea to write. I have to make a commitment to it. It’s not a game, even though it sometimes feels like one. Honestly I have to commit to certain games too. I might just be broken, and we’ll have to deal with that. 

So the gist of this blog post was all the frustration I’d been feeling and expressing today, only I was *right* in the thick of it. I was recovering from being pissed at myself, I WAS pissed at myself. And I probably had had a couple drinks at this point in the evening. So I start the blog letting myself off the hook for failing my deadlines as it were. But then I pivot, and I put myself back on the hook! I compare myself to Tom Scharpling, whose memoir I was just about to finish at the time. And while it took him forever and a half to write THAT BOOK, it took him no time at all to *write.* He would not allow himself to quit that. He dug into his ideas and saw them manifested into the world. And I remember seeing that and looking back at all the ideas I had had over the years that I simply allowed to remain ideas. Letting them fade away into the ether, only existing now as electrical signals in my brain with the rest of my cruddy memories.

So then I said in the blog, if you really do feel that bad about it, then you have to write something creative RIGHT NOW. Go ahead. I’ll wait. And I called the creative writing part a “crumb of an idea,” cuz I had to lower the stakes a little. I was stressed out, and on vacation no less!

The crumb was a standup bit that I had formulated earlier in the trip. I’ll actually just transcribe that part right here for posterity’s sake: Do you guys ever call the food in your fridge "food for daddy?" Is that a thing we all do? Like I've got chocolate milk in there, and that's chocolate milk for daddy. Anyone else? Pretty standard, pretty standard procedure, in my opinion. Why? Hmm, good question. You know I guess I'd never really thought of it like that. I guess, which do you prefer? Opening the fridge and grabbing a fruit on the bottom yogurt, or opening the fridge and- "oooh.... fruit on the bottom yogurt for daddy? Mmmmmooyyoommooyhhhguu" [touches fingers to lips because how could you not?] "Ben & Jerry's Coffee Caramel Fudge Non-dairy Frozen Dessert Pint?..... Daddy like.... [like is in italics, and the italics indicate that I'm sultry as FUCK] Anyone else have roommates? Not a partner you live with, just a regular roommate that splits rent with you? And they do their own thing most of the time. And they buy their own groceries and share a fridge with you, so you have to separate your roommate's food from daddy's food? Anyone else? And every now then you have to be like, "Jeff, did you have any of Daddy's babybel cheeses? It's fine if you did, I just don't see very many babybels left, and daddy's going to Jewel this afternoon." By the way, I'm not saying you have to love this joke, you don't have to laugh or anything. I just need to make sure you at least TRY to visualize a husky white single guy in his 30's shouting down a hallway, and the hallway is considerably shorter than what you're imagining, down to a slightly huskier single guy in his 30's, "did you have any of daddy's babybels?" TRY IT. Next time you are putting away a fresh box of Eggo Waffles into your freezer, I want you to whisper to yourself, "Eggos for daddy" and SEE if you life does not appreciably change. And I know a majority of you right now are thinking, "No. I won't do that. This is the dumbest thing I have ever had the misfortune to be subjected to. Move on. Or better yet, just go away." And I will, but just watch. The next time your at the grocery store, you will inevitably walk by the Eggos. And you won't be able to help youself. You can't control it. You're going to think it. You might shake your head in disapproval while you do it, but you're gonna say it. (muttering) "Eggos for daddy" And your partner will be like "what did you say?" (Turns, snapping) DADDY'S EGGOS "...what?" "Forget it" (angrily pushes cart away) This is my power, I tell you now. You either like this premise and you're having a good time. OR, you hate it and a week you're going to snap at your significant other in public. Either way, I win.

See? That wasn't so hard. Now you are free <3 -Max

Oh my god I have to take my THIRD bathroom break since I started this morning. Fucking hell.

So let’s just call it there for today. Lotta good stuff out of the way, and a lot left to do tomorrow (probably). I have to remember to stat tagging these for archival purposes. Like this had standup AND book notes in it. That could be good to check back in on later. Hmm, but the actual hashtags part of tumblr is to help get eyes on your blog, which this is NOT for. (yet? idk) So maybe I’ll just tag them at the end here myself, and I can ctrl+F in the future. Hopefully that works O_O

Standup, EoW (book)

Alright see you tomorrow. Love ya