#i spent 20 HOURS on this one and for WHAT!!! to be GAY?? brother...

[sclangelc]

solangelo week day 4 - au @solangeloweek

remembered i could make comics of my aus... art school solangelo has been living in my head rent free. if u even care...

[reasonsforhope]

"The New York City Council voted to ban most uses of solitary confinement in city jails Wednesday [December 20, 2023], passing the measure with enough votes to override a veto from Mayor Eric Adams.

The measure would ban the use of solitary confinement beyond four hours and during certain emergencies. That four hour period would be for "de-escalation" in situations where a detainee has caused someone else physical harm or risks doing so. The resolution would also require the city's jails to allow every person detained to spend at least 14 hours outside of their cells each day.

The bill, which had 38 co-sponsors, was passed 39 to 7. It will now go to the mayor, who can sign the bill or veto it within 30 days. If Mayor Adams vetoes the bill, it will get sent back to the council, which can override the veto with a vote from two-thirds of the members. The 39 votes for the bill today make up 76% of the 51-member council. At a press conference ahead of the vote today [December 20, 2023], Council speaker Adrienne Adams indicated the council would seek [a veto] override if necessary.

For his part, Mayor Adams has signaled he is indeed considering vetoing the bill...

The United Nations has said solitary confinement can amount to torture, and multiple studies suggest its use can have serious consequences on a person's physical and mental health, including an increased risk of PTSD, dying by suicide, and having high blood pressure.

One 2019 study found people who had spent time in solitary confinement in prison were more likely to die in the first year after their release than people who had not spent time in solitary confinement. They were especially likely to die from suicide, homicide and opioid overdose.

Black and Hispanic men have been found to be overrepresented among those placed in solitary confinement – as have gay, lesbian and bisexual people.

The resolution in New York comes amid scrutiny over deaths in the jail complex on Rikers Island. Last month, the federal government joined efforts to wrest control of the facility from the mayor, and give it to an outside authority.

In August 2021, 25-year-old Brandon Rodriguez died while in solitary confinement at Rikers. He had been in pre-trial detention at the jail for less than a week. His mother, Tamara Carter, says his death was ruled a suicide and that he was in a mental health crisis at the time of his confinement.

"I know for Brandon, he should have been put in the infirmary. He should have been seeing a psychiatrist. He should have been being watched," she said.

She says the passage of the bill feels like a form of justice for her.

"Brandon wasn't nothing. He was my son. He was an uncle. A brother. A grandson. And he's very, very missed," she told NPR. "I couldn't save my son. But if I joined this fight, maybe I could save somebody else's son." ...

New York City is not the first U.S. city to limit the use of solitary confinement in its jails, though it is the largest. In 2021, voters in Pennsylvania's Allegheny County, which includes Pittsburgh, passed a measure to restrict solitary confinement except in cases of lockdowns and emergencies. The sheriff in Illinois' Cook County, which includes Chicago, has said the Cook County jail – one of the country's largest – has also stopped using solitary confinement...

Naila Awan, the interim co-director of policy at the New York Civil Liberties Union, says that New York making this change could have larger influence across the country.

"As folks look at what New York has done, other larger jails that are not quite the size of Rikers will be able to say, 'If New York City is able to do this, then we too can implement similar programs here, that it's within our capacity and capabilities," Awan says. "And to the extent that we are able to get this implemented and folks see the success, I think we could see a real shift in the way that individuals are treated behind bars.""

-via NPR, December 20, 2023

[guywrestlingaddiction]

What Turned me Gay: The first BGeast match I purchased - Troy & Brian Baker v Vinny Trevino & Joshua Goodman (bgeast.com)

It's no secret that Bgeast turned me gay. The combination of hot men in compromising situations, muscles straining, humiliating holds; all summed up to ignite something inside of me.  Now while all of that is worth a post in itself, I wanted to devote this time to rekindle a memory specifically about the first Bgeast match I watched, Tag Team Torture 3.  

What turned me gay (not really) ... 

Troy & Brian Baker v Vinny Trevino & Joshua Goodman (bgeast.com)

This post, inspired by the sidelineland.com blog, takes a tongue and cheek look into "what made me gay (not really)" and in thinking about the topic of gay wrestling, it's helpful to go back to the beginning - at least my beginning as a gay wrestling fan.

The Background Now, when I first viewed Tag Team Torture 3, I had no idea what to expect.  Sure I had watched porn before, but the default for porn back then (and now) was a cheesy few minutes of story line followed by emotionless hard core action.  In those scenes the guys refused eye contact with each other, closed their eyes, and probably thought of their girlfriends or something while they did the deed so in a very big way, bgeast was different.  

Baker and Baker - two reasons why I purchased this match.  Beefier Brian and Tasty Troy. 

In hindsight, I love the Backstreet Boy Look on Mr. Joshua.  This was a very popular look back then - Highlights and a Soul Patch.

And boy was Tag Team Torture 3 different, from the opening scene I realized that the focus was on the wrestling and everything, from the guys lifting weights, to the trash talk; all of this led up to struggle between men.  

Troy and Brian bonding before the match.  They build each other up saying stuff in the tone of 'you're the best, no you're the best'.  They support and encourage each other ... at least for now. 

Compare that to the other team, bragging about how much they can bench or talking shit about their opponents the "beach boys".  There's no building anyone up here, simply tearing the pretty boys down.  

In lieu of porn which hurried to climax and rushed to "get the job done", gay wrestling highlighted the emotions exchanged between our guys and what is sex really except a bundle of intense emotions.  

The Action Finally, 20 minutes in the guys start to wrestle.  I told you that gay wrestling takes it's time and slowly savors each and every popping bicep and ab and now we have the Troy Baker reveal and boy was it worth the wait...

Troy knows what we're all here for. 

And later, Troy swooning over himself.  The man and I are on the same wave length when it comes to admiring that body. 

But all that muscle just begs to be abused. 

Brian Baker is the powerhouse but he can't fight off two men by himself and it's clear that Troy is more interested in himself than on the match.  

Mr. Joshua multitasking by dominating and making his infamous "adjustment".  I love how the back of his hand goes straight from his package to smacking Brian on the back of his head.

Brian: [exasperated]: Lookout Troy!

Vinny: You like that surfer boy?  Troy: *Moan*

The Finale At this point our heroes are done for.  All that camaraderie, the hours at the gym spent sculpting those muscles, all of that vanishes and we are left with a beaten Troy Baker.  

To further the point, our heels double team the helpless Troy while his brother watches on.  Further emphasizing that there is no coming back from this one.  

Troy's abs of steel are put to the test with yet another barrage of abuse.  That golden tan is starting to turn a shade of pink as even those abs of steel have their limits.  

But the real crescendo for this match comes at the end.  When Brian seems to triumph despite the odds and an upset looks possible, that is until a weakened Troy folds under our heels.  It's that moment followed by a betrayal when our gay wrestling saga is complete and the Baker Brothers are finally broken with sound and fury. 

In hindsight it's obvious to see why gay wrestling sucked me in and became my obsession.  I've always loved the emotional highs when I wrestled in high school and bgeast perfectly captured those stories of struggle and dominance multiplied by like 1,000.   You see this story, told through sweat and humiliation is so vivid, so real, that the feelings I get now from watching a 20 year old tag team match are the same as when I first saw them and  is undoubtedly what turned me gay (not really).

[seeingteacupsindragons]

Hello....Do you mind if I ask your top 5 (or top 10) favorite moments from any media that you love (books, anime/manga, tv series, movies, games, etc)? Thanks if you want to answer. Sorry if I ask too much....

Ah, I don't think I can do favorite moments. How about "Moments that overloaded me so much I needed to stop short and process"? Because favorite or not, these ones all impacted me very deeply.

1. That bit in Noragami Aragoto when Yukine sacrifices his name for Yato's safety and becomes a Blessed Vessel.

Look, I had to pause the show for about 20 minutes when watching it for the first time because I was so Overcome. I was watching with my little brother, and he had the same reaction. We spent the twenty minutes incoherently making noises at each other in the middle of the night until we could finally calm down enough to continue.

Something about how far Yukine came from a frustrated, sullen kid who was acting out because he had been hurt and traumatized so badly, to willing to give up everything for the person who risked everything for him was just. Wow. Wowwww. 1000/10 character arc.

2. This moment toward the end of The Furies of Calderon when Tavi had messed something up and his uncle wasn't speaking to him, and he had gone so silent and cowed, and Amara was like, "Huh, I've seen actual abuse, but this hurt this kid so quietly?"

Because all I could think of was how I knew exactly what it was like to make a small mistake trying to help someone else and lose everything for it because of the way my parents acted, even though absolutely no one understood what it would mean for me or that my parents would not forgive.

I cried. I don't know if I was supposed to? But I did.

3. Viktor launching himself at Yuuri to kiss him in episode 7 of Yuri!!! On ICE

I watched this one live, so there was no need to pause the show or anything to process. But I do remember around that point in the episode, I stood up and spent the credits/etc. raking my hand through my hair, pressing my lips together, trying to hold it together because What did I just see?

I then frantically DM'd all my friends to message me immediately after they'd seen the episode, and then went for two separate runs in November in the Upper Midwest without a jacket, trying to settle whatever I was. Doing. Emotionally.

Ahhhhh!!!!

Ahhh!

4. Toward the end of Trick of the Light when Zeke and Griffin confessed to finally having got together

Because back in high school when I was reading this, I had spent the entire book shipping them and telling myself it was a proper urban fantasy novel, not a romance novel, it wasn't a schlocky BL manga, of course they weren't going to--WHAT? THEY DID???

I screamed. I threw the book (library book. Ooops!). I was mad, but at myself, but why, that was the environment I had been lead to believe in? But? No.

5. The end of the last episode of the Nabari no Ou anime.

When I tell you I cried. I cried for, legitimately, hours. A friend and I had stayed up almost all weekend in college shotgunning the series, it was 10am on Sunday morning after having not slept all night, I went back to my dorm room after starting my sobbing session, and could not sleep, because oh my God.

I don't usually cry to visual media. It doesn't usually hit as hard. Yoite....Yoite brought me to pieces.

6. Jeff getting outed in volume 10 of The Case Files of Jeweler Richard

I'm pretty sure I kept suffering through machine translation of the novel after that, but my brain was still focusing on processing...that...Jeff...was gay. I don't think I stayed up much longer that night. Because. Because. BECAUSE.

Lots more, probably, but this is my most memorable ones for right now.

Laters!

[possessionisamyth]

Every time I see the occasional floating SU post talking about how no one understood The Point, I both get it and immediately recognize that, due to the complex hate vortex created on tumblr during its run, people have selective memory for what legitimate and illegitimate criticisms were being made for the show. Heres a short list, do not add to it:

-the racism from outside and inside the house (human zoo full of brown people, entire bismuth plotline, white people saying garnet isn't black "shes an alien" which also happened for all of her fusions, blatant silencing of black teens written of as "the discourse" whenever they made decent talking points about anything, etc)

-people crucifying rebecca sugar for drawing illicit material as a minor (something a lot of ppl who do art or likes art makes or consumes when they get really into drawing or shipping)

-people shouting "rebecca sugar is jewish! she knows what she's doing" to any criticism at all to silence other people just engaging with the show and stating things they didn't like about certain episodes

-the reveal of rose quartz, the beautiful fat character we spent all this time learning bits and pieces about, being a skinny tall girl(pink diamond) in essentially a fat suit

-homophobic and transphobic people capitalizing on the discourse tags to shout louder and louder about small things that'd go under the radar of any other show further poisoning the cesspool (dumb shit like peridot being child coded)

-how the SU crew handled advertising when they really shouldn't have been doing any marketing ( the concrete reveal and immediate backtracking) and I do blame CN for not doing more actual marketing and trying to bank on social media clout with animators who are not equiped for this

-people asking for lowered stakes when it comes to the diamonds whole schtick because of the implications, and they could predict what the showrunners would do based on previous plotlines

-people upset because during a time where we were getting a fascism free sample(drump), the imaginary fascists get a handshake and a "okay, restorative justice time" moment

-severe lack of understanding that the show was cut short due to the ruby/sapphire wedding, and the movie and sequel series was an attempt to make up for it, and i can't say whether or not this was done well because I dropped out of SU before the movie dropped

In summary, I do think Steven Universe was important. It did do a lot of things well, and it helped open more doors for other creators to do more fun gay and trans stuff in their shows including handling difficult topics. Whether those other shows handle ALL those topics well isn't something I'm going to waste my breath on. If the writing captivates me then it captivates me, and now whether or not it's good is always second to whether or not I find it fun.

My little brother and I watched SU together like we did Gravity Falls and Adventure Time, and I was able to use the metaphor of Stevonnie to explain my nonbinary status to him without any issue. However, at some point for me, I stopped finding the show fun, and I know for a lot of people sucked into the tumblr hate vortex that meant they had to equate the show as Bad.

I don't know if I'll sit myself down and watch the movie or follow up series, but this isn't because I think they're bad. I simply have gotten back into actual adult fiction books and comics, so a lot of YA or kids content haven't been hitting those same brain spots with me like they used to when I was a minor or a young 20 something trying to figure out how to be a person.

There's more I could say about how lgbt+ writing and art is held under a tighter microscope than the most milquetoast cishet content, but there's already dozens of posts floating around that explain it better than I feel like doing at this hour.

What I will say though, is if you loved SU at first and you started to hate it, like genuinely hate it, maybe take the time to figure out when the hate started, what caused that hatred, and why you hated it, especially now that you don't have every other post on your feed talking about how SU sucks yelling in your ear.

[casspurrjoybell-25]

ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS - Chapter 20

*Warning: Adult Content*  

Jayce stared at the wall of his hotel room, sighing before he looked back at his laptop.

This would be the fifth job application he'd submitted today.

He hoped someone would call him back but he worried that because it was now December and the holidays were approaching, companies wouldn't be hiring until the new year.

He had enough savings to stay in this hotel for the rest of the month but after that, he'd have to start bringing in some money if he wanted to make sure he had enough to pay for the deposit and first month's rent for a new apartment.

To make things worse, most of the apartments he'd looked at wanted proof of employment and current pay stubs, so he couldn't even get an apartment until he got a job.

It was stressful but it wasn't what was bothering him most. 

Dylan was constantly on his mind.

He missed the quiet, gentle man.

He missed Dylan's huge arms wrapped around him, Dylan's warm lips against his and the way Dylan seemed to smell like Christmas.

He still didn't understand quite what had gone wrong.

Dylan seemed to like him and he'd told Jayce he could be himself.

But maybe what had happened was what always happened to him, as soon as he wasn't perfect, guys left him.

He'd challenged Dylan about going into town and brought up Dylan's flaws and a few hours later, Dylan had sent him back to Seattle.

The other possibility was that his helplessness and tendency to turn everything into a disaster had been too much for Dylan.

Because of his poor planning, he'd caused a missing persons fiasco, wasted everyone's time and caused the police to show up at Dylan's door.

Most people wouldn't be happy about that.

He hadn't known his brother was going to invite him for Thanksgiving this year or that both his brother and his parents would panic when they didn't hear back from him and couldn't get in touch with him.

It was nice to know his family actually did care.

Since he missed Thanksgiving with them, he had been invited to fly to his brother's house for Christmas.

Giving up on the job applications for now, he crawled onto the hotel bed and sank down with his face in the pillows.

He was upset about how things had turned out with Dylan and he'd spent more time moping around than he wanted to admit.

Every time he closed his eyes, he pictured Dylan's face.

He didn't know how things would have worked out between them, especially living several hours apart from each other but he'd at least wanted to try being in a relationship with Dylan.

Beside him on the bed, his phone started vibrating.

He picked it up quickly, hoping maybe it'd be someone from one of the jobs he'd applied to but he sighed when he saw it was just his brother calling him.

Again.

"Hey, Matt," he answered. "I'm still okay. Not lost anywhere. You don't need to keep checking up on me."

"I know but I want to. I feel bad for being too wrapped up in my own life to keep in touch on a consistent basis. That's going to change."

"You have a wife and kids. You should be focused on them."

"And I can focus on you too," Matt sighed. "I didn't know Dad and Mom were being so weird about you being gay. If I had known, I would have done a lot of things differently."

"It's not your problem."

"It is, especially when my little brother takes off into the mountains without telling anyone and almost dies."

"I'm fine," he insisted. "I promise. I won't ever do that again, trust me."

"You still owe me the detailed version of what happened. I mean, some guy who lived in the mountains found you? You can't just leave it at that."

"Okay," he sighed.

He started filling Matt in about Dylan and he couldn't help but tell him everything.

He needed to talk to someone about Dylan and about how he had messed it all up.

"That's quite a story," Matt said.

"Yeah. I just wish I hadn't screwed things up."

"Jayce, I don't think it's your fault. Based on everything you just told me about Dylan, he's had a rough life. This might be something you should talk to Heather about."

He had only spoken with Matt's wife Heather a few times but she had always been kind to him.

And she was a therapist, so it probably wouldn't hurt to get her perspective.

Heather's warm, upbeat voice filled his ear.

"Hey, Jayce. I'm glad you're okay and safely back in Seattle. You had us all worried."

"I'm fine," he assured her. "I didn't mean to cause all this trouble."

He gave her a brief recap of the past couple months but spent most of the time telling her about Dylan.

She listened carefully, taking a moment to think before giving her opinion.

"If you really like Dylan and want to have a relationship with him, the first thing both of you will have to do is communicate better. It sounds like you both have insecurities and you need to talk to each other about those. Second, you're going to have to take the lead on a lot of things. Dylan's had a sheltered life and it doesn't seem like he's had much opportunity for human interaction. He doesn't have the same social skills that you do. You're going to have to be patient with him. There may be days when he lashes out or doesn't know how to handle a situation. I suspect that's what happened when he sent you home."

"I didn't think about all of that," he admitted.

"If you want to talk to him again or see him again, you'll need to be the one to reach out. There could be any number of things Dylan is thinking but it's possible that after everything he's been through, he doesn't believe you actually want to be around him."

He listened carefully to everything Heather said, asking a few follow-up questions before they hung up.

He was grateful to have her advice and see the situation from someone else's perspective.

It gave him hope that things didn't have to be over with Dylan.

For days, Dylan had laid in his bed, barely eating and ignoring the world around him.

The silence he'd once loved was stifling now.

Jayce was gone and he'd give anything to hear Jayce's laugh again or listen to him ramble on, filling the room with the sound of his voice.

He pulled the blanket over his head and clutched the scarf he'd given to Jayce.

After Jayce had left, he'd found the scarf draped over a chair.

Apparently, Jayce didn't want to take it with him and didn't want any reason to remember him or his time in the cabin.

The rejection stung but he buried his face in the scarf and breathed deeply. It still smelled like Jayce.

He knew he needed to get up and move on with his life.

More snow had fallen and he needed to clear the driveway again and bring in more firewood.

And if he wanted fresh fruit and vegetables, he'd have to do what he dreaded most, go back into town to the grocery store.

A few hours later, he pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store.

He stared at the building in front of him, hoping there wouldn't be many people inside.

He hoped he could get in, get what he needed and get out before anyone noticed him.

Inside the store, a group of teenagers were in the bakery section looking at the desserts and an older woman was slowly pushing a cart down one of the aisles as she browsed.

He kept his head down and headed straight to the produce section.

He quickly picked out what he wanted before taking a detour to grab some fish fillets as well.

He was about to turn the corner into the next aisle when he heard the whispers of the teenagers he'd seen when he entered the store.

"Did you see that creepy guy is in here?" one of the girls said. "I heard that he kidnapped a hiker and kept him in some weird cabin up in the mountains."

One of the guys chimed in.

"My dad said the same thing and told me to stay away from him. Like I would ever go near him. Something's wrong with that guy."

His heart sank hearing their words.

He didn't know how the information about Jayce being at his cabin had gotten out but it shouldn't have surprised him that people were twisting the story to make him out to be a threat.

Now, people's stares were going to be even worse.

The teenagers laughed about something and he focused on their words again.

"That big scar on his face looks so bad," another girl whispered. "I don't know why he walks around like that instead of trying to cover it up."

He felt sick.

It was one thing for his mind to fill in the blanks about what people must be thinking as they stared at him but it was another thing entirely hearing their real thoughts.

He couldn't stand another second of being in public with everyone's watching eyes, so he dropped his basket of groceries and quickly fled from the store.

[colorsofyourheart]

Small world, huh?

AN: Just a little thing I'm working on for Chenrich and needed to get into writing so I can finally concentrate on all the reports I'm supposed to have ready before Monday...

-

A normal girl in a normal town.

That's what she'd told Dr Lynn she would be once she got to Haven Springs… and that was probably the moment that she jinxed it.

But how was Alex supposed to know she was going to walk into the plot of a rom-com movie?

Yes, okay. She had her powers and should have known better than to think she would be able to hide them and ignore them just because she was out of that damn group home. But it hadn't even been five minutes since she got off that bus that she got her first glimpse of a strong emotion with Gabe feeling sad he missed her growing up --which she was fortunately able to stop by making some comments and distracting him-- and not even an hour later she would be beating the crap out of a violent asshole and hitting her own brother.

And a sane person would think that would be the thing freaking her out the most right? Losing control. But nope, Alex certainly wasn't anywhere near sane… empathy curse, remember?

No, what was freaking Alex out happened after the sadness and before the ass whooping, which in hindsight probably made losing it on Mac easier since her own emotions had already been a mess when the idiot decided to beat up Alex's brother.

And really, why would her emotions be anything other than a mees, when only about 20 minutes after getting off the bus and meeting with her long lost brother, Alex would end up locking eyes with a girl she had met over a year ago and spent a really hot no strings attached but definitely unforgettable week ‘exploring’ the women loving side of her sexuality with, and whom Alex hadn’t expected to see ever again –but often fantasized about because who wouldn’t fantasize with the hot, confident drummer chick who could probably turn nuns gay with one of her sexy smirks?

'Gotta fucking chill... but fuck just fucking look at her.'

And right at that moment Alex was definitely looking, because holy shit… did she get hotter? How could she possibly have gotten hotter? It simply wasn't humanly possible and... 'Oh God she recognized me!'

The green eyed girl's eyes widened in surprise before moving down Alex's body with obvious appreciation and unknowingly making the shorter girl shiver.

'Holy fuck… is that really her?'

'Shit, she looks even hotter with short hair.'

'What's she doing here? Did she come for me?'

The words hit Alex's mind first before an image of Alex coming for the taller girl in a completely different way and an emotional explosion of purple and gold assaulted her mind and knocked her unconscious.

[nerdygaymormon]

You mentioned Stuart Matis. Who is he and why would you name a day at BYU for him?

Stuart is the first gay person I ever heard spoken about by people at church in an empathetic way rather than as a sinner. I actually heard members speak about how what we do to gay members maybe isn't good and perhaps they'd be better outside of the Church. Many years later I had a bishop who had been roommates with him while at college in Chicago and his family marks Stuart's birthday every year.

Because Stuart was a BYU graduate, and one of his final acts was to write a letter that was published in the BYU Daily Universe newspaper, it's why I proposed having a solemn day of remembrance for all the lives lost to the Church's anti-queer teachings named for him. As you read about him and the eloquent words he wrote, I can't help but think you'll be moved by his life.

Matis was born in 1967, grew up in the LDS Church and liked being a Mormon. However, around age 7, he realized he was attracted to boys and believed this was a terrible secret he couldn't tell anyone. For 20 years he kept this information to himself.

In some ways, being a Mormon made it easy for to conceal his homosexuality since the Church forbids any sexual relations before marriage.

Stuart prayed for God to turn him straight. When he had a gay thought, he would punish himself. He tried to make up for what he considered his big shortcoming by trying to be perfect in other areas of his life. He studied hard in school, attended every church function.

He loved his family but didn't show a lot of affection for them, he feared if he felt a lot of emotion it might cause him to accidentally blurt out his big secret.

Stuart Matis served a mission in Rome, Italy in 1986 and 1987.

For most of his life, Stuart believed what his church taught, that being gay isn't permanent, that he could change his orientation. He believed if he were faithful enough, God would make him a straight man.

As he got older, it got more difficult to keep his feelings hidden. He enrolled at BYU in Utah where he spent hours in the library looking for techniques to become straight. Upon graduating, in 1996 he got a job with Anderson Consulting in California.

Handsome and single with a good job, he seemed like a perfect catch. At church, many members prodded him to settle down with a nice Mormon girl.

Depressed and desperate, in early 1999, Matis spoke with his bishop, revealed that he's gay and thought of suicide. He had concluded that maybe the Church is wrong and maybe he would leave it. His bishop began meeting with Matis on a regular basis and said if it's a choice between life and the Church, to please choose life.

His bishop urged Stuart to come out to his parents. Around that same time, his brother and sister began wondering why Stuart isn't married and doesn't seem interested in it, they started discussing amongst themselves if perhaps he is gay. Their mother went to Stuart's room and asked, "Stuart, are you gay?" "Yes, I am," he said.

To his surprise, his family accepted him being a gay man. They spent many nights staying up late talking and crying and Stuart was able to share how much he loved them.

Matis struggled to figure out how to be a gay man without disobeying the church teachings. He went to a few gay dance clubs and parties but didn't get intimate with the men he met. He had begun to make gay friends and with them felt at home for the first time in his life. He spoke joyfully of these associations.

Stuart was increasingly comfortable being openly gay. Blessings given to him by his father and his bishop confirmed his identity.

Stuart fell in love with another man and he was seriously considering entering into a lifelong relationship. He said, "The reason I don't like the word 'homosexual' is that the sexuality part is not the most important part of what I want. I want an intimate, loving relationship like my mother and father have."

However, he had a hard time with these feelings after a lifetime of messages that told him that such feelings were wrong and he was evil for having them.

1999 was the height of the LDS Church's fight to ban same-sex marriage in California with Proposition 22, the "Protection of Marriage Act," also known as Knight's Initiative. This both disturbed and depressed Stuart.

Matis stopped attending church, but he didn't lose his faith in the Church. He was intellectually able to reject the Church's teachings on homosexuality, but emotionally he still held onto the Church. He believed he must choose between being a Mormon and living true to who he is, but letting go of the Church proved to be difficult for him.

Late in 1999, he told his parents he'd bought a gun, but warned them that if they tried to put him in an institution he would never speak to them again.

Stuart wrote a 12-page letter to his cousin explaining his opposition to the Church's support of Prop 22. He wrote that when he heard the Church was asking members to donate time and money in support of the proposition, "I cried for hours in my room, and I could do very little to console the grief of hearing this news.... In July, I realized that I was going to have to endure viewing millions of dollars of television ads designed with one intention in mind: [to] raise fear against gay and lesbian Californians. What is worse is that this fear campaign has been orchestrated by my own friends." The letter also stated "straight members have absolutely no idea what it is like to grow up gay in this church.... It is a life of constant torment, self-hatred and internalized homophobia." He called the proposition "anti-family." He felt that the Church's positions created a hostile environment for young gay Mormons. "The Church has no idea that as I type this letter, there are surely boys and girls on their calloused knees imploring God to free them from this pain. They hate themselves."

In response to a letter published in BYU's newspaper comparing homosexuality to pedophilia, bestiality and Satanism, Stuart wrote a letter to the editor, that was published by the newspaper. "Imagine having to live with this rhetoric constantly being spewed at you." He pleaded for the acceptance of homosexual individuals. "Seek to understand first before you make comments. We have the same needs as you. We desire to love and be loved. We desire to live our lives with happiness. We are not a threat to you or your families. We are your sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, neighbors, co-workers and friends, and most importantly, we are all children of God."

In what turned out to be the final week of his life, in an act of separating himself from the Church, Matis stopped wearing his "garments," which are underclothes many Mormons wear as a sign of their devotion.

Early in the morning of February 25, 2000, Stuart left a suicide note behind, walked to the steps of the Los Altos stake center with a note pinned to himself reading "Do not resuscitate," and shot himself.

In his suicide note, he wrote "I am no longer in pain and I no longer hate myself. As it turns out, God never intended for me to be straight. Hopefully my death might be a catalyst for some good." Stuart intended that the ultimate act of his life would somehow help young gay Mormons by getting his family and others to teach the truth about homosexuality and not what the Church taught.

The people who dressed him for burial were struck by the sight of his knees, deeply callused from praying for years to be changed.

[hiiraya]

i like you (more than i thought i would) (rewrite)

masterlist

pairing: robin buckley x reader

words: ~2,101

warnings: mostly fluff and being a gay mess

requested: nope :p

a/n: we've reached 200 of you wonderful people following this blog!! thanks for taking time out of your days to read the mess i post ♡

“If you think I'm believing a single thing you just said to me, you're out of your mind.”

She said, shaking her head at the taller boy as she wiped the counter.

"I'm telling the truth!” He persisted, glancing around the room before leaning closer to her to whisper, "you know, she's gay too."

She only rolled her eyes in response, turning away from him to start sorting the returned vcr's that had come in.

It hadn’t been the first time Steve had tried to play a prank on her, and she was smart enough to know when she was being played with.

"Yeah, okay, dingus."

He huffs when she dismisses him again, throwing an old receipt that was laying around on the counter at her, sticking his tongue out like a child.

"Believe it or not, Buckley, it's true. My sister - my twin sister - is coming to have lunch with me today."

"I guess I'll believe it when I see it."

-

Even though she told him that she didn't believe him earlier that morning that he had a sister (a twin sister to be more exact), Robin had been on the lookout for the other Harrington sibling.

If she even did exist.  

Imagining a more feminine version of Steve, she had to wonder if you two shared the same personality. If you were just as confident and outspoken as your counterpart, or if you were the complete opposite.

She didn't really know what to expect, but when the time finally came and you walked through the door, all expectations Robin had flown out the window.

While Steve's style was more casual with his plain t-shirts, light-washed denim jeans and thin bomber jacket (Robin swore she'd never seen him wear any other jacket) - you on the other hand, were the complete opposite of your brother.

There you were, wearing a black t-shirt with some rock band that Robin had never heard of before, paired with black jeans that were ripped at the knees. The worn leather jacket around your shoulders making you look so out of place, yet the air of confidence you had around you made it feel like you owned the place.

The similarities were there, it wasn't hard to see that you two were clearly siblings, but that didn't stop Robin from glancing back and forth between the two of you.

“You ready for lunch, Steve?” You questioned, pushing the sunglasses currently resting on your nose up to your hair as you walked to the counter where Steve and Robin currently were. ”I’m not waiting all day for you."

Your older brother tutted and shook his head, and Robin could only stand there in shock because no way were you two related.

Absolutely no way.

"I'm still older than you, Y/N/N," He chided you playfully, before turning to face her. "By the way, this is the Robin I was telling you about.”

You turned your gaze to her direction and nodded your head in acknowledgement of Robin’s presence. She said nothing as you rested your forearms on the counter, the action alone making her cheeks heat up because how can one sibling be so smooth and the other so hopeless?

Also, Steve had told you about her?

“First of all, you’re only older by 20 minutes,” You retorted, narrowing your eyes facetiously at your older brother.

"And secondly," You begin, turning your attention back to Robin (who at this point was still standing there with her jaw lax at the interactions between the two of you). "It's nice to meet you."

If you were shocked by Robin suddenly grabbing Steve by the arm and saying yeah, wow, okay, Steve can I talk to you for a second? you didn't show it, allowing your brother to be dragged away to what you assumed was the back room.

"That's your sister?"

Steve had the audacity to look smug, and if it wasn't for her having a mental panic she would've punched him in the arm to get rid of the smirk on his face.

"I told you she was real."

She could only huff in retaliation. He was right. He did tell her that you were real, but he forgot to mention just how much of a character you were.

Besides, wouldn't it be a little weird to be attracted to her co-worker/friend’s younger sister?

"Fine, she is real, but you didn't tell me she was--"

"The complete opposite of me?" The taller boy teased, thoroughly enjoying watching this flustered side of Robin come to light. "Wouldn’t have guessed that bad girls were your type, Robin."

If Robin wasn’t red before, she definitely was now.

"It’s not my fault your sister is hotter and has more game than you do, Harrington.”

-

Robin followed Steve back out to the front, still obviously flustered that Steve had easily called her out on her visible attraction towards you.

Unknowingly to her, the taller boy already had something planned up his sleeves.

“I’m ready to go for lunch, but I just have one question for you, Y/N/N," He says, clapping his hands together as he approached you.

"Are you free on Saturday?”

Robin watches you look up from where you had been sitting, eyebrows furrowing in question.

“Yeah, I guess? I’m going to be in town for a little while. Why?”

Instead of answering your question, Steve nodded before facing her, that annoying, knowing smirk back on his face.

"What about you, Robin?"

“Yeah?"

The two of you could only watch as Steve grinned, the expression on his face only making you more confused while Robin felt the heat in her cheeks rise once again as he made eye contact with her.

"Perfect! Unfortunately, I have a shift on Saturday, but you two have fun on your date.”

“Date?”

“Date?”

She expected you to refuse, after all, who accepts to go on a date with someone you've never met before?

She expected you to roll your eyes and berate your brother, Robin already imagining how you would tell Steve to stop playing around, I came here so we could get food.

Honestly, she expected you to do anything other than say yes.

But when you only shrug your shoulders, and turn to face Robin, you surprise both her and your brother by tilting your head to the side and smiling.

“I've never turned down a date with a pretty girl," You say, with a grin that could rival the sun (but Robin thinks she's a little biased when she thinks that). "What do you say, Robin?”

She looked at Steve (who merely winked at her, and she knows that he's deliberately playing match maker) before back to you.

It didn’t help that you weren’t bad to look at, scratch that, Robin knew she was attracted to you the moment you walked into the store.

One date couldn’t hurt right?

"I guess it's a date.”

-

I'm going to kill Steve.

She doesn't normally wake up with murder on her mind, but the fact that your date was only a few hours away, she couldn't help but blame the nerves on the person who had set up the whole thing.

As much as she wanted to call you throughout the week and cancel the date, very much regretting the fact that she agreed to this date without a second thought, she knew that Steve would talk her ear off about how she ditched his sister and frankly, she’d rather just get the date over and done with if it meant he would shut up.

So when you showed up at her door at exactly 6 o'clock and not a minute late, just like you told her, Robin tried to ignore the nerves that had been present ever since she woke up that morning.

“Hop on.” You told her while holding out a black helmet. You were still wearing that worn leather jacket (what was it about the Harrington's and never owning any other jacket?) that made her speechless the first time she saw you.

“You want me to get on that?”

She watched you glance down at the 1982 Triumph motorbike that you were currently straddling, before looking back at her with a raised brow.

“Yes? Come on, I’m won’t let anything happen to you.” You say, gesturing to the helmet again while you gave her a comforting smile.

You only smiled wider when she took a step further, helping her put the helmet on and securing it on her head. Robin hoped that you couldn't see the way her cheeks had heated up when your fingers brushed against the underside of her chin, but the way you were still watching her with an admiring smile on your features.

“I’m holding you to your word, Harrington.” She mumbled, taking your offered hand to help her get on the seat.

“Just keep your arms around me, and we’ll be there before you know it.” She heard you say while you position her arms around your waist.

She couldn't help but lean into you when you situated her arms around you, the closeness of your bodies making her heart race a little. For someone who looked so intimidating on the outside, the more she was around you the more she could see that it was just a façade.

-

"You cold, Buckley?”

She watches you secure your bike and put the helmets away, all while having a smirk on your face. If she ever doubted you and Steve were siblings before, the smirk definitely said it all.

The sun had gone down by the time you arrived, and it didn’t help that the wind whipping past while you were driving made it feel like Robin had just walked into a freezer.

"Shut up."

You let out a small laugh, but nevertheless you shrug off your jacket. Taking a few steps to stand by her side, draping the heavy fabric over her shoulders.

“There, now you won’t get cold.”

Robin swore she’d blushed more around you in the thirty minutes she'd spent with you than she had in her whole life.

She felt her pinkie brush against yours, and before she could think about whether or not you would think it was too forward of her if she were to hold your hand, you had already laced your fingers with hers, the warm of your palm tethering her to the moment.

“Rides first then food? That way we don’t throw up anything we eat.”

All she could do was nod and let you lead the way.

-

Maybe it was because you were Steve’s sister, or that she barely knew you that Robin doesn't want to admit just how much she doesn't want the day with you to end.

Maybe.

The blush that stained Robin’s cheeks from the moment you helped her put the helmet on refused to go away even after hours had passed since then.

As much as she tried to deny it, she loved being pampered by you during your time together.

The whole night you were there by her side. With you hand in hers, or on her side, or on her arm, you made sure that she knew that you were by her side the whole time.

For all your tough guise you liked to show, you sure weren't afraid of looking like a complete fool trying to win her a big bear in one of those impossible basketball games where the hoop is too small for the ball to fit in.

She liked you.

More than she'd liked to admit.

But she had to remind herself that you weren’t staying for long. That no matter how much fun she had with you, you wouldn’t be in Hawkins forever.

"Are you staying in Hawkins for long, Y/n?”

With her hand still in yours, she tightened her grip just a little while she met your eyes.

If you could hear the reluctance in her voice you didn’t show it, only squeezing her hand back in return.

"I wasn't planning on staying for long," You admit.

“I’ve never really been one to stay in one place for too  long but something's telling me that maybe I should."

She could practically hear Steve already teasing her for being ‘lovesick’ for his sister, but with the way you were looking at her now - with such warmth, like whatever was budding between you two was something that you wanted to last.

"You should."

If the smile you gave her, told her anything, it was that she wanted this to last too.

[ginnyweasleymybeloved]

cocktails / ginny weasley

Ginny my beloved <3 welcome to my being-so-gay-for-ginny-weasley blog 🥰💓

summary: your girlfriend comes home from quidditch practice to find you prancing around the kitchen, making cocktails.

word count: 2k

warning(s): kissing, alcohol, characters are in their 20s, fluffy

let me know what you think, comments and reblogs are very appreciated <3

♡

Ginny had just made her way home from a quidditch practice that had run on for almost five hours and it was safe to say that she was completely exhausted.

The red head couldn’t wait to get home to you. Although she loved and was extremely grateful for her (very successful) professional quidditch career, after the Saturday practice surpassed the three hour mark she’d been fantasising about throwing herself into your waiting arms and having a good moan about how tedious the day’s training had been.

It was strange really; the concept of having everything she wanted. The idea that she could go out to a job that she actually liked and that paid well and then come home to the person she loved most in the world, in a place that she felt genuinely comfortable. And yet everyday that’s what she was met with. She’d come hom from a strenuous day of training, completely worn out. And there you’d be; back from a long day’s work yourself, with the kettle already boiled with two cups ready and with fresh, warm towels folded for her in the bathroom, ready for her to dry herself with after she’d enjoyed her post-practice shower. Tonight was slightly different however.

Once Ginny had finally trudged through the doorway of your shared flat, she’d been met with your cheerful face grinning mischievously at her from the kitchen. Without wasting much time she kicked off her shoes and made her way into the kitchen, a single eyebrow raised in question.

“Welcome home!” You sang cheerily, prancing around the kitchen, picking up bottles and pouring copious amounts of the liquid into the blender that usually resided in the back of the bottom cupboard.

Ginny let out an airy laugh, “What’re you doing?” She asked monotonously, acting as if she wasn’t captivated by the way you seemed to float about the kitchen.

“Making cocktails.” You stated simply, turning to face her as you did so. There she stood, arms crossed below her chest and a knowing grin on her face- it was the grin she always wore when she knew she was about to tell you off for one thing or another. “And! Before your start-“ You began as you pulled her into your arms, “I made you an alcohol free one. So you can have one and still not break your ridiculous training... diet thingy.” You warned with a similar knowing look to her own, your arms were wound tightly around her waist, as her’s snaked around your shoulders and pulled you flush against her chest.

“So you can and you will have one, Ginerva.” Your voice was final and Ginny let out a short laugh, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear and pulling your closer still.

“Mm. And what’s in this concoction, if I may ask?” With a sweet smile, you pressed a quick kiss to her lips before answering her.

“Cranberry juice, pineapple juice and orange juice.” You informed, placing another-longer, kiss to her lips; a kiss which she happily returned. Ginny’s lips moved fiercely against yours, pushing you against the counter until she pulled away from you, “How thoughtful.”

“Thought you might enjoy it. Y’know, after training all weekend.” You supplied as you shifted your gaze towards the kitchen tiles shyly, holding her securely nonetheless.

Before you could worry about whether or not she liked your plan for a cocktail night, her fingers were beneath your chin and gently turning it up so your pretty eyes could meet her’s. “I love it. I love you.” Ginny reassured you as she took your face in her hands and kissed you again. The faint taste of peach schnapps hitting her lips as she slid her steady hands down to grasp your hips, the sweetness let her know that you’d been making yourself a Sex on the Beach before she’d gotten home.

Truthfully, the regime that came with her career wasn’t always her favourite thing, but knowing that you would go out of your way to make sure she was included in your shenanigans, despite her strict diet plan, made her hate it a tiny bit less.

“Will you still love me tomorrow when I’m ridiculously hungover?” She laughed at the question and squeezed your hips softly.

“Of course,” she stated, accentuating the statement by pressing a soft kiss against your forehead, “And, I’ll still love you later tonight when you drag me up and force me to dance with you,” her lips pressed against your right cheek. “And, when you start giggling like a lunatic,” Her lips moved to your left cheek and you couldn’t stop the dopey smile that grew upon your lips when she went on, “And, in a shocking turn of events, I’ll still be completely and amazingly in love with you when I’m holding your hair back while you’re getting sick.” Finally, her lips found yours again.

Your hands cupped her cheeks as she slipped her tongue into your mouth, moving it perfectly against yours and letting out a satisfied hum when you tilted your head into the kiss. After a few minutes, the two of you reluctantly separated, Ginny chased your lips with a number of short kisses before releasing you from her grasp.

“I love you too, even when you stink of sweat.” You said, scrunching your nose up to tease her further, you went on, “Like you do right now.”

Your girlfriend rolled her eyes and reached her hand up to pinch your flushed cheek, “Oi.”

Swatting her hand away lightly, you turned around and continued fixing up the drinks that had been momentarily abandoned on the kitchen counter.

“Go take a shower, love. You’ve been training all day and your pretend cocktail will taste better after you unwind.” You told her, throwing a handful of ice into the blender.

Ginny watched you fondly as you began to hum the tune to whatever song had just popped into your head. She let out a quiet laugh before nodding her head softly and padding into the bathroom, “See you in a few minutes.”

When she entered the bathroom she noticed that her towel was already hung neatly from the heated rail on the wall and that a fresh pair of pyjama shorts and her favourite t-shirt (which she’d stolen from you) was folded on the lid of the laundry hamper, a bright yellow post-it note rested on top of the t-shirt Ginny had claimed as her own after the first time the two of you had spent the night together two years ago. With a grin, Ginny peeled the note off the material and quickly read the note you’d scribbled for her. Regardless of what was on the note, the sight of your messy scrawl across the paper was enough to bring a smile to her lips.

‘the longer you take to shower the drunker i’ll be when you come back! so don’t keep me waiting ;) xoxo

p.s. i love you <3

p.p.s. use your own conditioner, moocher.’

Ginny snorted at your last comment. She did have a tendency to favour your conditioner over her own, it was coconut scented and reminded her of you, plus, there was the added bonus that it made her hair silkier than her’s did. But one thing Ginny would admit was that she did not use hair products sparingly, if her entire head wasn’t lathered in bubbles then she wasn’t using enough.

A smirk creeped onto her lips when she eventually stepped into the shower, her eyes sparkled with mischief when they landed on your conditioner. She inspected the bottle, it was half full. Ginny nodded happily to herself, she was definitely not using her own conditioner. After a few minutes, the red head head was stepping out of the shower and getting dressed into the clothes you’d laid out.

When Ginny finally sauntered back into the kitchen you were sat on the kitchen counter, cocktail in one hand and a CD case in the other, there was music playing from the old radio on the windowsill and you didn’t even lift your eyes from the CD case when you grumbled, “I can smell coconut from here, Ginerva.”

Ginny only shrugged and inserted her body between your legs, her hands sliding up your thighs before wrapping them loosely around your waist as she looked up at you with an unapologetic grin, “You can’t blame me, love. The smell of it reminds me of you.”

You let out a soft sigh, tossing the CD case onto the counter and placing your glass down too, you let your legs wrap around her waist and brought both of your hands up and threaded them through her damp hair. Ginny stared at you adoringly as you let yourself cling to her. It was the moments like these that she loved the most, when she could just hold you and take in your face, when she could simply enjoy the feeling of your fingers massaging her scalp and your legs holding her snugly against your warm body. She absolutely lives for the moments when it was just her and the woman she loved, moments like now.

“How was work today?” Ginny asked softly, her hands now running soothingly up and down your back. You let out a groan, dropping your head into the crook of her neck.

“Long. Those brothers of yours are nightmares.” You complained. You’d been working for Fred and George Weasley at their joke shop for just over two year and you loved it and the twins, however sometimes the two could be extremely hard work. That’s not to say you didn’t adore your job, because you did, it’s where you’d met Ginny in the first place. But as the twins’ most trusted employee, the pair of them sometimes relied on you to control their chaos. Today’s shift had been one of those times and to put it simply, you’d come home needing a drink.

Ginny let out a knowing sigh of her own before she pressed a kiss to the crown of your head, “I know, love. What was it today?”

You pulled your head back to look at her again, a pout on your lips that had Ginny itching to kiss it away, “George said he’d been working on a potion that could change the colour of pygmy puffs and so he insisted we try it, so, of course since I’m the only one who doesn’t harass the poor little things I had to feed them the concoction!” You explained, picking up your drink and taking a long sip before you went on, “And shockingly, it ended up not changing their fur but made them shrink! And Fred thought it was just the funniest thing he’d ever seen in his entire life but they were so small that they were slipping through the bars of their cages! I spent three hours hunting down teeny tiny pygmy puffs!” Ginny gave you a sympathetic look, she was biting back a smile however, she could imagine the scene in her head and she had to agree with Fred; it did seem quite funny.

“Go ahead and laugh, Gins. You and those twins are way too similar.” With that Ginny let out a barking laugh, her head falling against your chest as she struggled to catch her breath through her joyous laughs. Even if her laughter was at your expense, you could’ve listened to the sound forever.

Ginny pulled herself together after another moment and you rolled your eyes as she wiped away the tears from her own, “Oh hush, it wasn’t that funny.”

“Sorry, love. But it is. It is that funny.” She began to giggle again and you scrunched your nose in distaste, grabbing the mocktail you’d made for her and pressed the glass against her chest,

“Just be quiet and drink your juice.”

[whatyouandihave-makesmefree]

How to say “I love you” without actually saying it - or 137 Milkovichy ways to say “I fuckin’ love Ian Clayton Gallagher”.

1. Kiss me, and I’ll cut your fucking tongue out.

2. I’ll meet you there in 20.

3. You say that again, I’ll rip your tongue out of your head.

4. Take your hand off the glass.

5. You wanna chit chat more or you wanna get on me?

6. Fuckin’ tough guy, huh?

7. Jesus Christ, you want us to spread a blanket out and look for shooting stars next?

8. Sorry, I gotta go kill your dad, but I’m doing a lot of people a favor, including you.

9. -I missed you-  You did?  -Yeah, man.-

10. So, uh, what you going down for, then, huh?

11. Don’t know what you see in that geriatric viagroid.

12. -You fuck anyone in there yet?-  God, no.  -Wise choice.-

13. Hey, my dad took my brothers on a run out of town for a couple days, so you wanna ditch that dump and crash at my place, you can.

14. Fuck you, is what you were invited to.

15. What are you hoping, I tell you not to go? I’m gonna chase after you like some bitch?

16. -Don’t.-  Don’t what?  -Just…-

17. -You seen him?-  Why do you care?  -Don’t.-

18. You heard from Gallagher?

19. Not fucking Frank. The other one, the redhead.

20. I like fucking carrot-tops, like, with the freckles and the pale skin and fucking alien-looking.

21. He in trouble? What kind of trouble?

22. You wearing cologne?  -No. It’s Kenyatta’s perfume soap shit.-

23. I gotta take care of something important.

24. No, I’m not having fun. I spent the whole day looking for your coked-out ass.

25. You coming back?

26. I’ll do it.

27. Those fingers go anywhere near that cock, I’m gonna break every knuckle in your hand, all 15 of them.

28. Together.

29. That all you think he is? Some twink?

30. Probably best if you don’t, tough guy.

31. Of course we are.

32. You want me to go?  -No, I don’t want you to go.-

33. I’m not lying to you.

34. Ian, what you and I have makes me free, not what these assholes know.

35. Well, good. Leave. What the hell do I care, bitch? Fuck.

36. Hey! Excuse me! Can I get everybody’s attention, please? I just want everybody here to know I’m fucking gay. A big old ‘mo. I just thought everybody should know that. You happy now?

37. Fuck you! Don’t worry about it! I’ve been staying at Ian’s since you’ve been in the can, bitch! Guess what we’ve been doing, daddy! We’ve been fucking! And I take it! He gives it to me good and hard, and I fucking like it.

38. You’re a fucking dick. Yeah, there. That’s what you get.

39. You love him?  -Maybe. I don’t know.-  Because he has a real penis?  -Yeah, I guess.-

40. Rise and fucking shine, Cinderella.

41. Yo, sleepy-face.

42. Hey, you okay? Feeling sick or something?

43. All right, you want me to bring you back something to eat?

44. Ian, are you high? You take something?

45. Fuck’s wrong with him?

46. Before, he was fine. He was happy. He’s staying up all hours of the night, dancing, telling fucking jokes. He kicks my ass every day. I can’t keep up with him.

47. No, no, look. He– he’s low… We cheer him up.

48. What do you mean, hos– Like a psych ward? No fucking way! No fucking way! He’s staying here.

49. I can– I can take care of him. Okay? Let me take care of him until he’s better.

50. Don’t fucking tell me what’s impossible! We’re taking care of him here. You, me, us. His fucking family.

51. He’s not going to some fucking nut house. You hear me? He stays here. He’s staying with me.

52. I’ll be there.  -Better be.-

53. All right. I guess I’m going with you.

54. She’ll send him to a fucking shrink. No. We fix this ourselves.

55. I came out for you, you piece of shit.

56. What’s your type?  -Redhead.-  I am downstairs.  -Batshit crazy.-  Check.  -Packing 9 inches.-

57. I got to take you to a hospital, Ian.

58. I’m worried about you.

59. His partner. Lover? Family? You know?

60. At least he’ll be getting some kind of fucking help.

61. Relationship to the patient?  -Sister.-   -You?-  -Uh, boyfriend.-

62. Hey. Sorry I’m late.

63. We gotta get you to a fucking clinic. Get some meds. Today.

64. Hey, it’s okay. It’s all right.

65. He’s not a fucking lab rat.

66. He’s got me.

67. Hey, Ian’s sleeping in there.

68. All right, breakfast of champs. We got your mood stabilizer, anti-psychotic, anti-depressant. Gatorade.

69. Shut the fuck up. Take the pills, bitch.

70. Hey, no caffeine on your meds.

71. Eat it. Take all those pills on an empty stomach and you’re going to have diarrhea real bad.

72. I didn’t know which Bs to get, so I just got all the fucking Bs. I got B-complex, super B-complex, B-12, B-6.

73. The hell happened to your hand?

74. Did a doctor take care of that?

75. You can’t go anywhere unless you get that looked at, man.

76. Your hand, man.

77. No, no. Look, you’re not supposed to drink on lithium. It makes your blood fucking toxic, and it gets you hammered in like two seconds flat. You can’t-

78. You look like a fucking wet rat.

79. We’re going on a date.  -Fuck, yes, we are.-

80. Where the fuck are you?

81. Where the fuck you been? 

82. You okay?

83. It means we take care of each other.

84. It means thick and thin, good times, bad, sickness, health, all that shit.

85. You look good.

86. Got a new tattoo. Did it myself. Hurt like a son of a bitch.

87. Been thinking about you. You ever think of me? Gonna wait for me?

88. Will you? Wait?

89. You like the high school bleachers? Our spot, man.

90. Look, I’m, um I’m getting some new IDs, some cash, and heading to Mexico.-  Wow.  -You should come.-

91. Thought a lot about you inside. You’re under my skin, man. The fuck can I do? Hmm? Can I do?

92. Knew you’d come. 

93. Come here.

94. I’m gonna see you again?

95. The fuck you looking at?

96. It’s what kept me going in the joint. The beach. Us.

97. Oh, check it out. Ian Gallagher putting his big boy pants on!

98. You never fucking visited me.

99. What am I leaving behind? My family? Who cares I never see those shitheads again. You had my back more than they ever did.

100. You ever think about me? When I was in the joint?

101. Fuck, I missed you.

102. What the fuck is that? I don’t want your fucking money! I want you to come with– me.

103. Don’t do this.

104. Fuck you, Gallagher.

105. I rolled on the cartel I was working for, and in exchange, guess who gets to pick where he gets locked up?

106. No, I just did it ‘cause it was the right thing.

107. Would you be fucking happy?  -Yes, fuck, yes!-

108. I guess I need some advice. It’s about my partner, Ian.

109. You’re not throwing your fuckin’ parole for me. We need to get you the hell outta this shit-hole.

110. You don’t belong in here, Gallagher.

111. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay.

112. FaceTime your brother. See the baby.

113. You seen Ian?

114. About time, man. Your Panda Express is getting cold.

115. Eat your Szechuan beans.

116. Chill your fucking tits and eat your noodles, man.

117. Let’s get out of here, get some Pinkberry.

118. No. No. I’m not running. I need to protect him.

119. Jesus Christ. You proposing to me over fucking patty melts?

120. Fuck it. I do.

121. When you know, you know. You know?

122. No, just saying you don’t love me enough now. And that’s fine. It’s cool.

123. Jesus Christ, save the fucking speech, you pussy. I’ll marry you. Of course I’ll fucking marry you.

124. You must really love cock.  -I definitely love one.-

125. You ever try to get me to move to Milwaukee, I’ll fuckin’ murder you.

126. Hey, I like the blue ones.  -Yeah?- 

127. You sure you still wanna go through with this?  -Yes. Why?-

128. You’re a sneaky bastard.

129. -Take your meds?-  Yes.  -Good.-

130. The son of a bitch is never gonna let me be happy. He needs to die today.

131. Well, there’s plenty of strays wandering around the neighborhood. I’m sure we can pick one up for cheap.

132. Yeah, well, at least I don’t have to hide in a coffin till the sun goes down.

133. Damn straight, Gallagher.

134. I, Mikhailo, take you, Ian, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,  to love and to cherish you till death do us part.

135. Good morning, Mr - Millagher?

136. You hungry?

137. You wanna go again?  -Absolutely.-

[mediocre--writing]

Imagine: Billy's twin sister who is the only one he doesn't act like a asshole with. Hers behavior is pretty much like her brother's one, she is bossy and often an asshole but it's a cover because she goes through the same shit of Billy

Bonus: she help Billy and Steve to become a thing, with Robin's help

Bonus 2: she fell in love with Robin

oh god thank you for bringing up billy with a bio sister. it’s one of my favorite things and i could ramble on for like years about it

anyway...

my hc is that if billy had a twin her name would be beatrice and they’d either call her bee or trix

even if she is very very similar to billy, i see her as a wall between max and billy. she understands that billy takes things to far but she also sees why he takes them as far as he does

she has an air of cool around her but she doesn’t try quite as hard as billy

she looks exactly like their mother: same curly hair that falls beautifully down her back, same glimmering blue eyes, same build and posture, same kind soul and same spitfire attitude.

bee and billy are both athletic. i see her as maybe doing track or soccer, so she as a kind of lean build but is still equally as muscular.

they both HATEEEE neil.

i see her as being a daddy’s girl when she was young. like he loved giving her cute toys and buying her sweet outfits and he’s a great dad to her.

but once they get older, bee notices that neil is so much harsher on billy and her mom so she starts rejecting his affection, which then makes him reject her.

bee adapts to a personality more like billy’s because she’s sick of neil.

the first time neil hit bee was a week after their mom left and she asked where she was.

she was no longer a daddy’s girl after that day

when they move to hawkins, bee and billy are equally pissed at max

(also i think the reason they left cali was because max saw billy with a boy and accidentally/maybe on purpose told neil about it, hence the resentment between max and billy)

but while billy was openly mean to max, bee was more subtle about it

(ex: knowing that max only drinks orange juice in the morning and taking the last of it and drinking it as she walks into the kitchen)

bee doesn’t like to drive. she has a drivers license but she just doesn’t care to drive much, so they just drive with billy.

it’s also a tactic so that billy doesn’t drive AS recklessly as usual because he wouldn’t want to crash with her in the car.

billy is the only person allowed to call her trix. her mom used to call her that and she can’t handle anyone else but billy doing it.

max doesn’t like either twin, but she prefers bee over billy.

bee is also one of the only people who isn’t scared of billy, even on his worst days, because she gets it.

she’s gotten into a multitude of fights and arguments before and can hold her own but she understands billy’s actions

both of them cannot stand when people are behind them. they always sit in the back of the classroom and have their backs to the wall so there’s no surprises. the only time they relax that rule is at parties, and even then, they’re still cautious

they always look out for each other in an aggressive way.

(ex: billy saying “wow you look sad and desperate” before cuddling next to her on the couch when nobody’s around)

after the halloween situation, with billy teasing steve, bee makes sure to tease him about his very not-subtle crush on the brunette

and on the day that max disappears and billy has to go look for her, bee hears his body hit the wall before he leaves, since their walls meet each other.

when billy comes back, without max, sluggish and bruised, neil lays into him for about half an hour before there’s a knock at the door.

bees been hiding in her room, peaking out every once and a while. (her and billy have made the agreement that if one of them is in trouble, the other should stay out of it, because they’ve learned from experience that if one of them jumps in to help the other, it only gets worse)

but max is at the door with the police chief, for some reason.

the chief explains that his daughter and max had been hanging out together and lost track of time.

neil smiled nicely and let max in before shutting the door on the chief.

but hopper saw the teenager slumped against the wall, much bloodier than the kids had said he was after the fight was steve, and the teenage girl sheepishly peaking through her door.

billy and bee argue after she finds out what happened. even if he was mad, he shouldn’t have attacked a middle schooler. that was just fucked up.

they got over it quick because billy apologized to steve and lucas, neither really accepted the apology but it was there.

over the rest of the year, billy and steve grow into friends (ish) and bee makes the girls varsity soccer team and makes some of the best friends she’s had in a while.

including one of her favorite teammates, robin buckley

bee and robin start secretly dating after a night of smoking weed at robins house. (her dad is super chill and pretended that it was nothing out of the ordinary. or maybe robin did this pretty often)

but they’re happy and the only person who knows is billy. robin was reluctant to let him know, but they gave a secret for a secret and they were just a little group ‘o gays.

robin ended up really liking billy after a day spent getting to know each other at a diner.

as robin sat across from the twins, she learned that they were basically the same person and were both excruciatingly annoying. but they were fun

when the twins got jobs at the pool and robin started working with steve at scoops ahoy, there was a lot of trading and flirting.

a free day at the pool in exchange for free ice cream (and an excuse for either twin to make eyes at either sailor)

after the starcourt thing, bee takes it really hard when she thinks billy’s dead, but he’s alive (because i said so) and her and max (and sometimes robin and steve) spend a whole lot of time in the hospital with him.

he gets discharged after like two or three months and his body is stable enough to walk on his own.

bee and billy, now 18 as of july 25, have moved out of the hargrove/mayfield house and are staying in steve’s too big house that his parents visit less and less each year.

robin is the person to give steve a push into admitting he’s bisexual and has feelings for billy hargrove

robin tells him about her and bee.

(steve makes a stupid joke about birds and bees which makes robin hit him)

but steve makes a move on billy one day when steve’s driving him home from physical therapy and they stopped for lunch (because billy lost a ton of weight from months in the hospital and his appetite is larger than before)

but they share a milkshake in a corner booth and are all blushing and sweet smiles and once they tell the girls, robin starts grumbling and hands a haughty looking bee $20.

-

i could write more so if you want it just ask, i have so many more ideas for this

[breanime]

Can request a bre's boys where their kid comes out?

Billy Russo: “Dad,” your son took a deep breath, “Mom... I... I don’t like girls.” You and Billy nodded, not wanting to rush him. “Okay,” you said, your eyes soft. “I think... I think I like boys,” he finished. Billy stood up then, and your son flinched, and that one movement broke Billy’s heart. He reached out and pulled your son in for a hug. “D-Dad?” He asked, and Billy could feel him shaking in his embrace. “I love you,” Billy replied, “your Mom loves you, and we ain’t never gonna stop loving you, son.” You came over and hugged them both. “You’re not mad?” Your son asked, his voice shaky with emotion. “Of course not,” you answered, “We love you no matter what.” “Plus,” Billy grinned, pulling back a bit, “we kind of saw this one comin’...”

Logan Delos: Logan and your daughter were watching TV, just hanging out, when she looked up at him and asked “Dad, is it possible to like boys and girls? Like... Like like them?” “Oh, for sure,” he answered brightly, “I’m attracted to men and women,” he said, noting her wide eyed response, “what’s important is that you treat people right, and you know your worth.” She nodded, pausing for a moment. “Does Mom know you like boys and girls?” “Yeah, she knows,” he answered, “it has a name, too--liking boys and girls.” “It does?” “Yup. Bisexual. I’m bisexual,” he smiled, his eyes warm, “how about you?” Your daughter smiled back. “I’m bisexual.”

Jax Teller: Your daughter was in tears. She was shaking, and you and Jax were freaking out too. “Baby, what’s wrong?” You asked as she sobbed into your shoulder. “Tell us what’s wrong.” “I’m--I’m so scared,” she sobbed back, “I don’t want you to be mad at me!” “Hey,” Jax rubbed her back, “sweetheart, we’re not gonna be mad, okay? Just tell us what’s wrong. Let us help...” She looked up then, her eyes red. “I’m a lesbian,” she choked out. You and Jax paused. “Is... Is that supposed to be news?” You asked. Your daughter’s jaw dropped. “Darlin’, you realize we live with you, right? And we raised you? We knew you were gay,” Jax added. “Oh, but, you’re coming out to us,” you gushed, “this is a moment!” Your daughter laughed as you and Jax hugged her, feeling so loved and supported. 

Coco Cruz: Coco knew his son was gay since he was a little kid, but he also knew it was hard to be a Latino gay kid in this town, so he didn’t push him. But when your son asked to have a family meeting, the two of you knew what was up. “I have something to tell you,” your son said, fidgeting as he stood in front of you and Coco, “and... and it might make you mad, but... I hope you’ll still love me...” He took a breath. “I’m gay.” You and Coco had been waiting for this day, and you both knew what to do. You stood up and hugged him. “We’re not mad, mijo,” Coco said, his voice carefully level, “we’re proud.” “What?” “You’re such an amazing kid,” you said, cupping his face in your hands, “you’re smart and kind and so, so brave.” “We love you,” Coco added, hugging him again, “nothing you do could ever make us stop loving you.” 

Angel Reyes: “I’m not a girl,” your kid declared, “I’m a boy. I’m trans, I’m sorry, I--” “Dude,” Angel got up and hugged your son, “hey, relax. Don’t cry.” Your son wiped his eyes, looking up at Angel. “Y-you’re not mad?” “I’m your Dad,” Angel said back, smiling, “I love you. I loved you when you were my daughter, and I love you just as much now that you’re my son.” “M-Mom?” You stood up, crying because he was crying. “Oh, mi amor, we kind of knew...” “You did?” “Dude,” Angel said again, “you wanted to wear overalls from ages 2 to 9.” “And you played football all throughout middle school,” you added. “Also, who do you think buys your clothes? Shit, man, you own more jeans than I do,” Angel laughed. Your son laughed too, and the three of you spent the next few hours discussing hormones and binders and making doctor’s appointments. 

Miguel Galindo: Your daughter had been suspended for punching a kid in the face. You and Miguel had tried to get her to talk about it on the ride home, but she wasn’t budging. Finally, when you got home, Miguel made her sit down. “Talk,” he said. “He said I was a slut!” She cried out. “Well, are you?” Miguel asked calmly, sitting in his chair as you sat too. “No, I just--” she stopped herself, a blush creeping to her cheeks. Your eyes narrowed. “You just what?” You asked. She sank down into the cushions. “I just... I’m pan,” she whispered, “I like boys and girls...” “Oh,” you said. Miguel shrugged. “So this guy accused you of being a slut because you’re pansexual?” He asked. She nodded. He stood, walking towards the door. “Dad? Where are you going?” “Back up to the school to let them know they’re letting you back with no suspension, otherwise we’re suing them for homophobia,” he stopped, “Wanna come with me?” Her face lit up. 

Nick Amaro: You’d left Nick a message that your son wanted to talk to him. So when he walked through the door, he wasn’t surprised to see him waiting for him. “Hey,” Nick greeted him, putting his briefcase down. “Dad, I’m gay!” He blurted out. Nick nodded, taking in your son’s nervous expression. He walked over to him and hugged him. “I know,” he said, laughing softly, “and I want you to know that I love you. I’ll always love you.” Your son nodded, tears in his eyes. “That’s what Mom said you’d say.” Nick smiled back. “She’s a smart woman. Now, sit down. We need to talk about safe sex.” “Dad, you already gave me this talk.” “I gave you the hetero talk, this one is about gay sex--why are you running away? Come back, I know things!”

Johnny Tuturro: Johnny was tasked with taking your daughter shopping for her prom dress, and he couldn’t help but notice how nervous she was. “What’s wrong,” he asked after she rejected another dress, “I thought you’d love this.” “I do, Dad, I just...” She sighed. “I have to tell you something...” “Okay...” “I lied to you,” she confessed, “I’m not going to prom with Marcus... I’m going with Martiza.” Johnny paused. “Like...as friends or...?” “Not...not as friends.” His eyes grew wide. “As a couple,” he said. She nodded, biting her lip. “Oh, shit!” Johnny cheered, grinning. “Your Mom owes me $20! I knew you two were more than friends! Oh, does she have her dress yet? You guys have to match!” Your daughter couldn’t help but laugh. “You knew?” “I had a feeling,” Johnny answered, “but...can I ask... Are you bi or pan or...?” “Lesbian,” she answered, no longer nervous. “Oh good,” he said back, “they have a bad ass flag!”

Rio: You and Rio stayed up all night researching ways to talk to your son about his sexuality. You were both pretty sure Marcus knew his brother was gay, but you didn’t want to put him on the spot by asking him. So, the next morning, after Marcus went off to practice, you and Rio sat your other son down. “Papa,” Rio began, “your Mom and I want you to know that we love you. No matter what, we love you.” Your son nodded, clearly nervous. “And we don’t want you to feel like you have to... tell us anything right now,” you added, “you can open up at your own pace, but, we want you to know that we love you--all of you.” “Yeah,” Rio jumped in, “and there’s nothing about you that you should ever be ashamed of, okay?” Your son nodded again. “I...  I want to tell you,” he said, “I’m gay.” You both got up and hugged him, and he hugged you back. “Thank you,” he said, voice muffled by Rio’s shirt. “Nah,” Rio smiled down at him, “no need to thank us--we love you, papa, we love all of you.” 

*******************************************************************************************

Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think! This is the last one, and I am so happy that I can end it with this. Happy Pride month, everyone!

Everything Taglist: @sweetybuzz25  @mrsjaxtellerfan  @rhabakoli  @encounterthepast @realduckvader   @justvnash @knowles-morgan  @ateliefloresdaprimavera @evanlys19  @nyxxnoxx @carlaangel86  @luminex3 @jigsawlover10  @gollyderek @otomefromtheheart  @lexxierave  @amethyst09 @falsehopesndreams  @a-dorky-book-keeper @witchygagirl @glimmerglittergirl @nich0lasmatthews  @ben-c-group-therapy @felicity-x0 @amirra88 @yourfellowangel @vibranium-soul @xserenax-13  @woahitslucyylu​  @gemini0410 @ktiz90 @theoceanhathsolace @starrynite7114 @my-rosegold-soul @papa-geralt-of-cirilla​

[tomhardysteeth]

u wanna say anything for spn ending? Today's their last day of filming

Yeah sure! I love how you worded this ask, it makes me want to give a very serious answer. I’ve been rewatching random episodes the past few days and thinking about how much of my life was shaped by this random lil tv show, both positively and negatively, so here we go. 

I started watching Supernatural during my junior year of college, when I was grappling with being gay and religious, and had a pseudo-girlfriend who was emotionally abusive. I remember I started watching the show because I had been on tumblr for a while and thought, well this is a popular show on tumblr and looks like something I’d enjoy, so I might as well try it. I remember barely paying attention to the first season and thinking it was kind of silly, and I distinctly remember making fun of it right up until the season 1 finale when that truck slammed into the Impala and I said oh.

I remember sitting in the dining hall between classes, hiding in a corner with my pink headphones and my laptop, watching one episode after the other, completely consumed by it. My personal life was a mess at the time and I was angry and sad and frustrated, but I could forget about everything for a little while when I watched spn. I remember falling in love with Dean Winchester, season 3, when Sam gave him the amulet. 

Because I had already spent a lot of time on tumblr, I knew about Castiel. I couldn’t wait to get to season 4, the anticipation killed me. I didn’t really have a choice in shipping destiel, I literally shipped it before I even watched a single episode of the show lol. My first time watching seasons 4 and 5, I remember how mad I would feel every time the opening credits scrolled at the bottom of the screen and Misha Collins wasn’t listed. I cared about almost nothing but Dean and Cas interacting with each other. I was totally enamored by them, by their potential. At some point I got over that and watched the show because I liked the show, but boy did my heart and brain break for destiel. 

I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. I started coming out to more people, including people involved in the Christian campus ministry I was heavily involved in, and it was very very hard. It was 2013. The first episode of Supernatural I watched live was the episode where Dean turns into a fucking dog. 

I don’t remember when I started reading fanfic, and I had no idea how to read fanfic. A friend invited me to ao3, what is ao3? I didn’t know. I used my email address as my username. I read Twist and Shout and Pie Without Plot and other very popular fics that I knew about because everybody knew about them. I vividly remember the first fics I read because I was 21 years old and had never had an orgasm in my life and believed sex was sinful and so when the sex scenes in fics turned me on, I felt guilty about it. 

I quickly got over that and started writing explicit destiel fanfic. 

I still had no idea what I was doing. I know the very first fic I ever wrote was a mess, I’ve completely erased all traces of it, but other than that I began posting with abandon. Pretty much everything I’ve ever written for spn is still on tumblr and/or ao3. I was running a Hannibal blog at the time and started posting more Supernatural content than Hannibal content, so I created a sideblog, @deancasheadcanons​, and things very quickly got out of hand after that.

I was depressed, I was confused, I was spending my last couple years of college trying to figure out my sexuality, trying to hold onto a religion that was rejecting who I was becoming, trying to find my identity while picking a career path and being sad and being pulled in a hundred different directions. Sometimes I was working three jobs at once, on top of 17-credit-hour semesters. I was getting a degree in a field I did not care about, and I spent every class reading and writing fanfic, scrolling through tumblr, making internet friends, letting my life be consumed by Supernatural. I projected myself completely onto Dean Winchester and partially onto Castiel and did not even realize it. 

I started dressing like Dean, and my sister and brother-in-law noticed and assumed I was gay. They were extremely unsubtle in their attempts at getting me to come out by pointing out the flannel and army jackets, and I did not have it in me to admit to them that I was dressing like a fictional character, but I DID tell them I was bisexual. 

I went to therapy every week during my senior year of college, and I was embarrassed about how often I talked about my “internet life,” as I called it. I remember having the arbitrary goal of getting 1,000 kudos on a fanfic, and I remember the day it happened for the first time and I remember going to therapy that week and saying that I didn’t feel any different, that I thought getting attention for my writing would make me feel better, somehow, but I still felt the same, and my therapist asked me if I would still be writing if I was the only one who got anything out of it and I said yes. But I was still obsessed with writing things that were meaningful, and despite the fact that I would receive 10 negative/mean anons per day, I never turned anon off because I desperately wanted people to tell me that my writing meant something to them, that it mattered to them. I was fighting with myself every day over my sexuality and my identity and my purpose, and I put all of that on the shoulders of Dean and Cas. 

There was also chubby!dean. I had lived my entire life with this inexplicable thing, this shame that I knew I could not share, that I knew I would just have to suffer with for my whole life, and then I joined the spn fandom and found that there were others like me, others that had a fetish and had similar experiences as I did and were drawn to Dean Winchester because there’s no other character that could make eating and gaining weight be as enticing as he makes it (in fanfic). For the first time in my life I had a community of people that I could relate to about a thing that I never thought I would ever be able to talk about with anyone in my life. I don’t remember if I consciously chose to start posting publicly about it, but at some point I did, and I started writing kink fic, but I was still so uncomfortable with myself and so scared of the things I felt, and I tried so hard to temper myself and not offend anyone and not go “too far” and not be too weird and I was so sexually repressed and pent up and full of guilt and shame, and so now when I go back and reread some of the stuff I wrote it feels like reopening an old wound and letting myself bleed out. 

I was constantly comparing myself to others and wondering why I wasn’t getting as much attention as so-and-so, and I always made excuses about how maybe my writing was too weird and I was too much and maybe I just wasn’t good enough and I hated myself and wanted to delete everything I ever wrote, but also I’m awesome and receive a lot of attention and get a lot of good feedback but maybe that means I’m just a narcissist! I acted like an asshole online and justified it by saying it wasn’t really me, that I could be someone totally different on tumblr than the person I was in “real life,” but in hindsight, now when I think back on my early 20s, I cannot separate what I was doing in “real life” from what I was doing in the spn fandom. I shared so much of myself with the spn fandom without even recognizing that that’s what I was doing. 

And I made mistakes, god I made mistakes, and I tried to be so careful about everything I said but I was also presenting a certain version of myself to the spn fandom so that people would like me (for instance: running a destiel blog and trying my best to hide the fact that I also ship wincest) and still I got in trouble constantly, and I grew bitter and mean because you can only receive the “when are you posting the next chapter?” comment so many times before you want to bang your head into a wall. I became defensive and unkind, afraid to check my inbox because it was a nightmare, and yet unable to turn off anon because, like I said, I desperately needed that feedback, I needed people to tell me that they felt what I felt, that they understood what I was writing and why I was writing it.

I expected Supernatural to give me everything I needed. I fantasized about Dean Winchester being canonically bisexual because I thought it would confirm something in me, that it would somehow make my life a little bit easier. I didn’t want to watch other shows that could maybe help me, I wanted Supernatural to do things for me that it had never promised and would never deliver, and it’s because I was defined by it for so many years. Now that I’m back on tumblr, I’ve been going back through some of my old posts on deancasheadcanons and it’s like reading a stranger’s words. Even so, I find myself telling people “I was deancasheadcanons” instead of “I ran a sideblog called deancasheadcanons” because it really was such a huge part of my identity. What’s wild is that every time I’ve tried to explain it to someone in real life, they just look at me like I’m not making any sense. 

It was easy to stop watching Supernatural. I didn’t have cable, and I had been driving to my dad and stepmom’s house each week and watching it on their tv after they had gone to bed. I was in a new relationship with a woman I nearly married, I was back in school for a new career, I was working full time and absolutely did not have time to continue writing fanfic as prolifically as I had done for so many years. I finally reached a breaking point in 2017 and haven’t watched any new episodes since then (I don’t remember the last episode I saw). But now, as I rewatch some old episodes, it is easy to feel the way I felt the first time I watched the show. It’s easy to see why this campy little heartfelt show was a lifeline during my formative adult years.

So it turns out I have never reckoned with any of this, have never written it down, hence the 2k jumble of words you see here. And it’s like, I know that a lot of this may seem silly, trivial, especially for a show that in itself is not very serious, but as it comes to an end I have to reflect on it as a person who put so much of my heart, my creativity, my pain and my floundering identity into it. I am somewhat embarrassed and wish I could respond to this ask with a joke instead, but we’re in a pandemic and I live alone and have had way too much time to think and reflect and become a lot more self-aware, and part of that reflection has definitely been about my time in the spn fandom. I remember thinking the show was never going to end, yet here we are at the end and I felt compelled to type all this out with a desire to, I don’t know, get some closure? Convince myself that I was a whole person, that I wasn’t just a faceless URL posting destiel fics into the void, that my real life was not at all disparate from the time I spent online? In any case, I’ll always think fondly of the time I devoted to Supernatural, and I’ll take the good and the bad and everything in between. Thanks for the nice ask, anon, apparently I needed to get some things off my chest.  

[starlocked01]

Second Glances

AO3

Masterpost- Previous- Next

Summary: Roman has spent years making his aesthetic Gay TM and yet his soulmate's first impression of him is that he's straight. What has he done so horribly wrong? Nothing, but first impressions often are wrong.

Day 18 Prinxiety- Your Soulmate’s first impression of you is written on your skin somewhere

Damn it all the cute ones are straight

The mark appeared on Roman’s 18th birthday at midnight and frankly, he was mortified. He had been out and proud for the past two years and almost always had a rainbow flag somewhere on his person or belongings. How in the world could his soulmate get such an incorrect idea of him?

He interrogated all his friends at school to see if any of them had crushes on him and had thought he was straight but with no luck. Apparently they all had better gaydar than his soulmate.

Roman didn't have much time to worry about soulmates though because in just a few weeks he and his twin were moving into the dorms for freshman year of college. They packed up their entire room and wondered what their roommates would be like.

"I don't know Ro, what if they don't accept me or get uncomfortable with me?" Remus ran his fingers through his hair. He'd been growing it out almost a year now.

"Then I will kick their ass and get you a new roommate. Simple," Roman reassured Remus.

"Heh, thanks Ro," Remus smiled, still visibly nervous.

Roman grinned, "no one hurts my sibling and gets away with it."

On move-in day everything was a whirlwind. The car was packed past full and Roman was a ball of nervous energy.

"Remus, are you ready?" he called up the stairs.

"It's Renee today!" she called back down, appearing at the top of the stairs.

"Oops! My bad. Ready to go, sis?" Roman smiled broadly as she walked down, fussing with her skirt.

"Yeah!"

"Let's go! College here we come!"

Renee was unusually quiet during the drive. Roman spared as many glances away from the road as he could.

"You okay, hon?" He asked gently.

She nodded slowly, "are you sure I won't get funny looks during move in? Should I change into something masc before we get there?"

"No, you will do no such thing. It's a co-ed dorm, Ren. And I'm literally right down the hall," Roman shook his head.

Renee glanced down at her palm, "do you think I'll meet my soulmate today? I mean there's gonna be a lot of people there and it is a fem day…"

Roman smiled, "anything is possible, sis. Just keep being your beautiful self."

Thoughts of soulmates reminded Roman of his own frustrating mark. He kinda wondered what his soulmate’s mark said. Guess he'd think it sooner or later.

After the slightest confusion at sign in, he and Renee were ready to move into their dorm rooms. He decided to help Renee with her stuff first (and to make sure any roommate would know who they had to answer to). They were carrying in their first boxes and found her roommate already unpacked and chilling out at a desk with a book on existential philosophers.

The boy looked up and Roman and smiled extending a hand as he and Renee set down their boxes, "you must be Remus. I'm Janus. Nice to meet you."

Roman glared and opened his mouth to reprimand Janus but Renee spoke up first, "actually, I'm Renee!" she took Janus’ hand and shook it, "Remus is my legal name."

"Oh. Oh, my apologies! You would think I would know not to assume," Janus laughed uncomfortably, "sorry, Renee. It's charming to meet you."

"I'm Roman, her twin brother," Roman's mouth twitched. He was ready to cause a scene if things went south.

"Well, actually this is rather fortunate," Janus looked between the two twins, "I get the feeling you two will be understanding. I'm nonbinary and go by sie/sier pronouns. Again, I apologize for assuming. I hope we can get off on a better second impression."

Renee giggled, "that's so cool! I'm actually genderfluid. We can talk more later though, Roman and I still have to unpack all his stuff too."

Roman sighed in relief and turned to go get the next load of Renee's stuff.

After moving all her boxes from the car, Renee and Janus both helped Roman move his stuff into a room just down the hall from them. Even with moving Renee first, Roman’s roommate was nowhere to be found and he wondered if he lucked out with a no-show roommate and accidental single dorm room.

Renee was bubbly and excited, talking about her roommate and sier interests and opinions. Renee was already pretty infatuated with sier. Roman started to unpack his clothing.

"Ro, this is going to be the best! I'm so excited I can't contain it!" she started bouncing on the bed. Roman chuckled and pulled her into a tight hug.

Just then he saw a boy drowning in a purple and black hoodie stop at the door, double-checking the door number. He was so skinny, the only thing Roman could think was Tim Burton Reject but like Cute. The boy caught sight of Roman and Renee hugging and Roman almost thought he saw the 5 stages of grief flash through his eyes.

"Uh, should I come back later? I think this is my room…"

Roman grinned and walked over to the door, "come on in! Virgil right?" Virgil nodded, "hi, I'm Roman! This is Renee. Need help with your stuff?"

Renee waved and Virgil set his box down, "um sure, thanks."

Renee fiddled with her skirt, "Ro, I'm gonna go change."

"Okay, cool. Name when you get back?"

She skipped out of the room, "Reagan! Thanks Ro!"

Roman chuckled and smiled at Virgil, "you'll get used to them. They're genderfluid and switch kinda frequently."

Virgil nodded and started back down the hall to his car, "how long have you known each other?" His voice was tinted with barely noticeable jealousy.

"Since the day we were born. Reagan is my twin," Roman followed his roommate, oblivious to the confusion on his face.

"Wait.. siblings… ohhhh, oh thank god," Virgil was wide-eyed.

"What?"

"I thought Renee was your girlfriend. That would have been awkward," Virgil flushed with embarrassment and Roman broke out laughing.

"Wow, that's a first! I've never been told my sib looked like my S.O.! You're funny Virge!" Roman hit Virgil on the back in a friendly pat that sent the smaller boy stumbling forward.

They quickly moved the few boxes Virgil had brought into the room and both boys started unpacking. The room was tensely quiet until Reagan came barreling back into the room with their roommate in tow.

"Oh my God! You guys!! Janus is the sweetest bitch," their eyes were sparkling with excitement.

"All I did was offer to help with classwork," Janus mumbled. Sie looked at Roman and Virgil and could feel the awkwardness in the room that Reagan was oblivious to, "so, anyone know a good ice breaker?"

Roman and Virgil replied at the same time, "polar bears."

Janus snorted, trying to contain sier amusement, "not quite what I meant, but A for effort."

"Ooh, have either of you two met your soulmates?" Reagan grinned at Virgil and Janus.

"My birthday is in a couple of months, so I have no idea," Virgil shrugged, taping up an MCR poster.

Janus rolled sier eyes, "no, I'm not really trying to find them either. Their first impression of me is disappointment anyway and you know how impossible it is to correct a bad first impression."

Roman laughed, "I feel like I'm looking for the impossible! My soulmate’s first impression is that I'm straight . How?" he held up the pride flag that he was preparing to hang above his bed.

"I could imagine it if the first time they saw you, you were… I don't know, hugging your sister," Virgil coughed suspiciously.

"Well, I will quickly correct them. Shoot, I forgot to ask. Virgil are you okay with queer stuff all over my side of the room? Because if not we have a problem," Roman smiled nervously and Reagan snickered at him. He supposed he should have figured this out before outing Reagan to Virgil but better late than never.

"You're good, Princey. I might not be flamboyant but I'm definitely gay," Virgil smiled softly.

"How lucky you're rooming together," Janus smirked, "should we dismantle one of the beds now?"

Reagan howled with laughter as Roman and Virgil both vehemently denied that suggestion, faces redder than strawberries.

"Give it a month, Jan," they snickered, wiping a tear from their eye.

"Indeed, bet?"

"20 bucks says you're on."

"We're right here!" Virgil protested.

"Shut up, you know I love you guys," Janus replied smoothly.

"No. No, I don't know that," Virgil flipped up his hood to hide his face from the others and pulled out his DVD collection to sort it. Roman glanced over and gave a triumphant shout.

"I knew it! Corpse Bride, Alice in Wonderland, Nightmare Before Christmas, Beetlejuice? I knew you'd be into Tim Burton!" Roman grinned happily, "fantastic movies!"

"How? We've known each other for like an hour…" Virgil was confused.

"Ah, I think it was the hoodie. You just look like one of his characters, you know?" Roman's grin turned sheepish.

"Fair enough. That is my aesthetic," Virgil shrugged.

"So should we leave you two future love birds alone now or…?" Reagan chuckled. They could tell Roman liked his roommate a lot, even if he wasn't outwardly flirting.

"Excellent idea, Reagan. We can cause more mischief elsewhere," Janus turned to leave with Reagan following close behind sier.

The first semester of classes went chaotically fast. True to Reagan's prediction, Roman and Virgil started dating within weeks. Despite outward dissimilarities, the two made for a good couple, balancing each other's sweetness and snark and flair and dramatics.

Roman couldn’t help but feel nervous as the clock ticked closer to midnight. Winter vacation had been hard enough with Virgil on the other side of the country, but tomorrow was his birthday and Roman was anxious to figure out if the connection he felt with his boyfriend was as deep and as fated as he wanted it to be.

They were facetiming when the alarm Roman had set for midnight went off.

"Happy birthday, my chemically imbalanced romance!" Roman grinned as Virgil shook his head at the nickname, "where's the mark?"

Virgil chuckled, "can't I enjoy being legally adult for two minutes?"

"Virgillllll please?" Roman pleaded, puffing out his lip.

"Fine. I think it's on the back of my neck though. Hang on," Virgil turned off the camera to take a photo while Roman waited impatiently.

Roman couldn’t see his face but he could hear Virgil’s soft gasp, "what is it, love?"

"Did you really think that about me, Roman?" Virgil sounded upset and Roman wished he would turn the camera back on.

"I don't know, V, what does it say? Please turn the camera back on," Roman prodded gently.

The camera flicked back on and Roman could see the back of Virgil’s neck with a single line of shiny scarlet text, "Tim Burton Reject but like Cute."

"Your first thought of me was that I was a reject??" Virgil brought the camera back to his face and Roman could just make out the line of a tear cutting through his makeup.

"Virgil, it's not like that-"

"Well, it sure looks like it! Either that was your first impression of me or we aren't soulmates! I have to live with this on my skin for the rest of my life I deserve to know!"

Roman glared at Virgil, "quite hypocritical considering I have to live with the fact you thought I was dating my own sibling written across my ass!" Roman took a deep breath before continuing, "yes, my first thought of you wasn't the kindest phrasing. First impressions are so often very wrong. People aren't static pictures, they're living art. Just look at Remus; he's constantly changing. And I've seen you change in so many ways the past four months, Virgil. I would never call you a reject now. I'm sorry I did back then."

Roman watched Virgil’s face as he finished his apology. To his surprise, Virgil started to laugh, low and quiet at first but quickly growing.

"You were right though. I was so skinny, so dark, and so edgy- I think just about anyone would have agreed with you. I think you got the short end of the soulmate stick, Ro, because now you're stuck with me, the Tim Burton Reject," Virgil's smile was wide and genuine and Roman clasped his hand to his chest in relief.

"Oh my goodness, you scared me. I thought I was going to be single! Who knew your birthday was the actual nightmare before Christmas," both of them laughed at that, "goodnight love. Text me when you open your present."

Roman smiled as Virgil saluted and ended the call.

Thank the stars they actually were soulmates.

Tag List: @stoicpanther @ifrickenhatedeverythingaboutthis @idontgiveafuckaboutshit @tsshipmonth2020

[casmybelovedass]

The Destiel Folder: Season 8

[Season 4; Season 5; Season 6; Season 7]

Oooohhh this is where things start getting JUICY

Episode 1:

Again, Dean copes with the idea of Cas not being there by lying to himself

Parallel from S6: Dean behaves exactly like he was while looking for Lisa and Ben, looking for Cas. "Where's the angel!" (16:57)

Dean clearly states he won't leave PurGAYtory without Cas (22:45)

Episode 2:

Since Dean has come back, he has been snappy with Sam and Crowley about Cas, but every time he remembers PurGAYtory, he is either looking for Cas or with him, and that's all he thinks of

Again with the paraparallels with Lisa and Ben (12:21), also "You'll find your angel there." (13:19) ICWAW, come on, do I have to point that out?

"There are some in Heaven who still believe, despite his mistakes, that Castiel's heart was always in the right place [...] I think... too much heart was always Castiel's problem." (22:25) Samandriel says all of this while looking directly at Dean

Look at that hug. Have we ever seen Dean hug Cas before? The gring on Dean's face. [This is so fucking funny too me, the "Nice peach fuzz" reaction to Cas' beard VS the Sam's "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" reaction in season 14] (23:21)

"I prayed to you, Cas, every night!" (24:37) Cas once again chose to leave/hurt Dean in order to protect him, even tho he really doesn't want to leave him. "There've been things hunting me. [...] I've a price on my head and I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them to... to keep them away from you." (24:54) Those fucking eyes kill me

Dean is willing to risk it all to get Cas out with him. "Cas, buddy... I need you." [yeah, let's see how well that ages on episode 17], also the little "Dean... " after that... BABIES (25:33)

That smile, those eyes... LOOK AT HIM. This is such a "You and me against everything" moment that, ICWAW, would be considered HELLA ROMANTIC

"I'm not leaving here without you. Understand?" (25:51) for fucking finally, also 12 seconds of STARE + LICK of the LIPS action. Oooohhh ICWAW... just imagine

Let us remember that all of this ⬆️, Dean remembers after Samandriel told him "too much heart bla bla bla"

"... [Kevin] thinks people I don't need anymore, they end up dead." (40:36) 'you', Dean? Only you? That's so much guilt you are packing. And immediately after he thinks about trying to save Cas from PurGAYtory and failing... Alrighty then

Episode 5:

I get why some people ship Dean and Benny, but they really do struck me as a bromance. When they call each other "brother", I believe that. With Cas, Dean pulls the "brother card" whenever he's opening his heart to him, basically "no-homo"ing it at the end. Weird right? (12:03)

Benny bitches about Cas being a danger to them because of the attraction monsters have to him, and Cas himself tries convincing Dean he has to leave him behind for his own good, but Dean is having none of that shit and is ready to die trying to save him (12:56)

FUCK MY LIFE we are getting flashbacks from both Sam and Dean, Sam about the time he spent with Amelia, and Dean about looking for, finding and trying to save Cas. I MEAN??!!! ICWAW you BET this would be seen as a ROMANTIC PARALLEL

"He's a friend." "A friend? Dean, you don't have any- all your friends are dead." "That's not what I called to talk about!!" Ouch (25:27)

Episode 6:

"I was in Purgatory." "Like 'purgatory' Purgatory?" "No, the one in Miami." ... that's a gay bar, Dean, how would you know? (11:23)

Dean's lying to himself about Cas letting go (35:32)

Episode 7:

Parallel to S1 Sam seeing Jess while in the car (2:31). Kill me. Also Dean allucinates Cas just like Sam did with Jess (10:15) band tries coping with it by repeating to himself that he didn't leave Cas behind

Every scene in Purgatory where Cas tries to reassure Dean that, if he doesn't make it, it's just the way it is, and Dean insisting he won't leave without him. "I'm just saying... if it doesn't work.. Thank you. For everything." (12:50) I'm dying

Cas comes back and all Dean does for the first few moments is check him out (16:16-16:21) He says he kept trying to reach for the boys, but wasn't at full power, tho somehow Dean was the only one who could see him. And Dean's eyes looking back at Cas (17:58) End me now

FUCKING👏BONER👏SHIFT👏 (20:38)

LOOK AT HIM!! He's checking him out, making THAT face and SHIFTING IN HIS SEAT WHILE PRESSING A HAND TO HIS CROTCH. THAT'S A BONER SHIFT. Look at Sam and then at Dean (20:44) One is a friendly fond reaction, one ISN'T.

ICWAW, we wouldn't even be QUESTIONING it!

The amount of checking out in this episode is crazy. Look at Dean checking out Cas. Look at his face! THE EYES (24:08) ICWA- OH COME ON DO I HAVE TO POINT THAT OUT?!

"Did you not trust me?" "Dean..." "I did everything I could to get you out. Everything! ... I did not leave you." "... So you think this was your fault?" OH MY GOD SO FUCKING #MARRIED LOOK AT CAS' EYES (28:06) ICWA- I'm not even trying anymore

So many soft shoulder touches (34:42) also HOT SCENE I don't know why "I'm going in." "Cas, no. You're not strong enough." (35:15) precious babies

"You could've gotten yourself killed. Why didn't you wait for me?" "Well, I didn't get killed, and it worked." "And if it didn't?!" "It would have been my problem." "Well, it's not the way I see it!" (37:36) #MARRIED they're SO MARRIED

Dean keeps blaming himself for Cas not getting out "I don't need to feel like hell for failing you like I've failed every other godforsaken thing I care about." SEE??! (38:16) Dean preferred believing he had let Cas down, something he is used to, than he had sacrified himself for him (38:48). Dean can't believe Cas thought he deserved to stay in Purgatory. Also THE WAY THEY'RE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER (39:38) And Dean's deeply hurt by the fact that Cas would leave him to safety and remain in Purgatory as self punishment for what Dean had painted as all Cas' fault. And he is full of regret (41:30)

Episode 8:

[How fucking cute is it that Cas wants to become a hunter. I'M SQUEELING]

They are so #MARRIED my heart ACHES (5:02) and the way Dean looks at Cas is so fucking SOFT. And 6 seconds of just staring and... well, Cas in general (5:13)

"What? I was being bad cop." "No, you were being bad everything!" (9:12) #MARRIED (12:04) I'm dying, they're so cute

"I don't sleep." "Okay, well, I need my 4 hours, so-" "I'll watch over you *puppy eyes*" (12:52)

"Hey, can you lift this?" sure, Dean, every excuse is valid to have Cas be hot by effortlessly moving an anvil. And see how Cas looks at Dean, like "Really? You even had to ask? I'll fucking show you I can lift this shit". Look at how he looks back side-eyes at Dean here (14:16), like he's making sure Dean is watching him being hot. I'm dead

This is such a fucking sweet moment [I mean, kinda looked like the begging of a porn at first] (16:01). Dean can sense Cas is not okay, and gets him to open up about his feelings. And when Cas admits being suicidal, Dean is speechless, not even being able to imagine such an outcome. Anyway, it is so fucking sweet that they're always able to show themselves vulnerable to each other

Shut up. Look at this scene (18:51-18:53). Mute the video and just look. This is Sam marrying Cas and Dean. PERIODT.

"You're so pretty, Charles. [...] You were quite the bounder." DEAN'S FACE (20:27) He's so in love, and immediately after he LICKS HIS LIPS

While Sam talks about running away from your problems (referring to Amelia), and having to wake up in order not to destroy everything, the pan focuses on Cas (35:33) Subtext, gentlethem, subtext. CAS, FACE YOUR FEELINGS. SOON

Dean's face when Cas says he's not coming back with them (38:16-39:21)

Episode 10:

I now this scene is supposed to be funny, but the way Cas looks at Dean AAAWWW (6:53-7:01) Also do you really have to walk so close to Cas, Dean? Do you? While CHECKING HIM OUT nonetheless?! (7:54)

Remember when in 7x01 Dean was totally comfortable watching porn in front of his brother? Well, Dean goes on and on about Cas being a "brother", but his fucking reaction to Cas being in the same room as him with porn on his computer, is BY FAR the same he has with Sam, hell he even keeps watching with Sam! (8:05) Is it because the last time he, porn and Cas were in the same room, Cas popped a BONER?

Random guy @ Dean: "Are you serious?" Cas: "*leans in to look at Dean* That's his serious face, yes." And Dean's reaction (12:59) SO FUCKING #MARRIED

Dean, that's not the way you look at a friend, or a BROTHER (13:38)

LOOK!! I swear to GOD ICWAW that would be seen as nothing other than CHECKING OUT YOUR CRUSH

"Hey, how about we say, if this doesn't pan out, we had back to that beer and bacon happy hour a mile back, huh?" Translation: "Since I'm starting to realize I might feel something more for you, let me take you on what is totally not a date unless you want it to be" (16:58)

(24:02) #MARRIED

Dean, will you stop checking out Cas during missions? (25:06) Same goes for you, Cas, don't check if your husband's got a boner for you being the hero here (25:08)

Since the start of this season, we've been getting parallels between Sam & Amelia and Dean & Cas. The flashbacks, the guilt for leaving the other half behind, and now Dean tells Sam he's jealous he got a chance at being happy with Amelia (37:32)!!! I MEAN- and fuck my life when I tell you there are parallels with the whole Sam-Amelia-Don & Cas-Dean-Benny thing. I'M TELLING YOU

Episode 11:

"Trust me, this life... you can't afford attachments. You just gotta... let go." "... Are we still talking about Sam, or did you break up with someone too?" (21:17) CHARLIE KNOWS. TELL HIM CHARLIE

Episode 13:

Bitch... Dean's reaction to getting publicly hit on by a dude, so not the one a straight guy, confident in his sexuality and masculinity, "no-homo bro" would have (15:36). Just saying, we have seen Dean turn down what he thought were avances, and other implications regarding his sexuality, with either sarcasm/humor or anger... this is new. Progress?! [Wait till we get to 15x7]

Episode 16:

[Keep in mind how Dean's bedroom looks. Trust me]

Episode 17: OOOOHHH BOI

Cas has been tortured, mind-fucked, obligated to kill fake Deans over 1K times, in order to be ready to kill the real one. Let that sink in

Dean prayed to Cas, I'm sure almost every night, and can already sense something is not right with him ever since he came back from Purgatory (11:31), but when Sam questions his prayers to Cas, Dean doesn't know how to respond. Like, what, do I need a reason to try and contact my crush?

"There has to be another way. [...] This isn't right! [...] I won't hurt Dean!" (29:51-31:00) "Cas, fight this! This is not you! FIGHT IT!" and he does. Cas fights it. [and as soon as Cas starts fighting back, Heaven tints with BI COLOURS! LOOK AT THEM WINDOW THINGY (31:16) OF ALL COLOURS]

Dean is on the verge of tears, kneeling in front of Cas, telling him "This isn't you!", and to fight. He is pleading. And by the end, bloody, hopeless, "Cas... it's me! We're family. We need you... I need you." and Cas stops. (33:13)

Cas breaks the connection Naomi had installed in him. Once again, when presented with the choice, he chooses Dean over Heaven. All of this because Dean needed him. And let's not forget Dean was originally ment to say "I love you.", and that would've been the reason Cas snapped out of the control. I MEAN ICWAW THIS WOULD FUCKING BE CANON

Dean, thinking Cas is going to kill him, clutches onto the coat's sleeve for dear life, to the memory of his Cas (34:21) KILL ME

"What broke the connection?" The look in Cas' eyes... "I don't know." OH YES YOU DO (36:15) and Dean's face when Cas says he needs to protect the angel tablet. Dean knows he's gonna leave again (36:23). ICWAW, this whole scene would be the UMPTEENTH CONFESSION

Episode 18:

"I'm fine. Are you okay?" "Me?" "Yeah. Cass dinged you up pretty good." "... and?" "And I just wanted to make sure you're okay." "...What, like, my feelings?!" "If that's what you wanna talk about, sure." Dean gets pissy pretty easily when talking about Cas, who left once again, and his feelings. Also, Sam knows, and he ships it. He's president of the Destiel Company (4:02)

Episode 19:

The thing with the Deanny relationship is: Dean is naturally affectionate towards Sam, and he expresses the same towards Benny. His relationship with the both of them is very very similar, while see Dean showing affection towards Cas [same as he does with Sam] only during extreme emotional moments. Dean is known for repressing his feelings, and having a tendency to maintaining a "macho" exterior. He shows himself vulnerable in front of Cas, but not enough for him to think less of Dean. So, think about it

Episode 20:

Charlie, a lesbian, who has only ever heard of Castiel through Dean, describes him as seeming "dreamy" while talking to Dean... GAYDAR ANYONE??!!! (9:16)

Episode 21:

"In the words of a good friend... 'bite me'." Cas is quoting Dean, and if I remember correctly, Dean will quote Cas' "ass-butt" later on (16:"10)

Episode 22:

I hate when Dean treats Cas poorly, badly, because he can't deal with his feelings. In the heat of the moment, Dean is always forgiving, helpful and caring, but as soon As things cool down, he goes back to being cold, bitchy and snappy, like nothing ever happened. Repressed mother fucker

The small flash of hurt on Cas' face when Dean ignores his "Good morning" (3:33) fighting coupleTM. "Dean, I can go with you. *is ignored* Dean... I'm sorry. [LOOK AT THAT FACE]" "For what?" "For everything." "Everything? Like ignoring us?" #MARRIED

Cas is buying porn, beer and pie to make amends to Dean. "Where's the pie?" "I think we're out." "*grabs store clerk* You don't understand. I need pie!" (14:50) they are so fucking #MARRIED

Episode 23:

This is such a sweet moment. Cas is about to close the doors to his old home behind himself forever, while risking getting killed by his own kind, and Dean is worried about him. They are sharing drinks while longingly staring into each other's eyes. This is so sweet. Also, Dean warned Sam he might not be coming back. Why? Cuz he would probably die while trying to protect Cas from other angels. To them, they are probably spending their last moments together, while looking at each other like THAT (22:38) And 5 seconds of STARES (23:10)

In love. Fucking fools in love, that's what they are.

This is so stupid but they have just witnessed a cupid matching up two dudes, after all of the above⬆️ (23:53) AND IT'S JUST FUNNY!! Dean is stunned and all, while Cas is complitely fine and professional (24:04-24:17-24:21) DEAN'S FACE

"Talk first, stab later." (26:21) Cas is like "Bitch, you talking? That was our first date!" #MARRIED

[I'll just leave this here (37:00)]

Now shit's getting real

[Season 9>>]