#i slept like at least 10 hours last night. and i'll sleep 10 more...!!!!

[orcelito]

Genuinely why am I so tireddddddd I've been crashing hella early every night basically. Is this like adderall wearing off or smth lol, like it gets to be like 7 pm and my brain is like Ok! Sleep time.

Climbed into bed at 8 and fucked around on my phone for a lil longer but now I'm like. Well clearly it's sleep time. Augh.

[sneakyparsnipslicer]

Birthday Transformation

Michael was on his last day of being 29, in just a handful of hours, he would be 30 years old, which isn't the end of the world, but to some it spells 'Twink Death'

And that's just what Michael had been, at least for the past decade; a blonde-haired twink. Of course it wasn't always that way. At one point Michael was a gangly ginger guy, and the change wasn't one he'd intended to go about.

On the night Michael turned 20, his body had completely transformed, the curly ginger hair shortening and becoming blonde, his body structure shortening and his body becoming more taught, even the goofy face and teeth had changed. It had baffled many who had known him in his college years, and it had changed him in a big way, no longer the unpopular art student, but a studly young man who changed courses for sports and fitness. He definitely became popular with the college athletes, though it was safe to say he'd spent a lot more of the past decade bottoming rather than topping. For a confident guy, his slim build didn't particularly scream dominating.

Of course as times had rolled on, more tools became useful to him, the invention of TikTok and OnlyFans had helped Michael build a following, even an income. He frequented the gyms in town to maintain his slim yet stocky build, for some it only made him more irresistable. In the year leading up to his 30th birthday however, close friends had begun talking about what turning 30 could mean for this career he'd built up. It's true many gay men lose interest in twinks when they turn 30, no longer as boyish-looking as they used to be, and Michael was no exception. Even he had begun to notice the wrinkles on his forehead when he raised his eyebrows. But who knows, maybe that miracle that happened 10 years ago might happen again.

Michael finished his day and headed home, made himself some dinner, had a shower and took off his clothing, looking at his body in the mirror in his bedroom. He'd put a lot of work into his appearance, keeping up with popular haircuts, wearing clothing that was in fashion, ensuring he kept some muscle despite the slim body. He thought back to his reaction when he'd woken up on his 20th birthday and his body had completely changed overnight, he was completely different, but it was still him. He massaged his smooth cheeks and chiseled jaw, he'd strangely never been able to grow facial hair. His pecs felt nice, if flat, his abs on point, his dick was pretty average, but then it wasn't like it mattered to the guys he'd slept with over the past decade, they were more busy pounding the bubble butt he called an ass. He took his phone off charge and took one last selfie, captioning it.

'Twink Death in T-Minus 2 Hours!'

He chuckled as he posted it, watching as it got reactions from the regulars on his social pages. Just then his phone began to ring, it was his friend Ryan. He swiped up and put the phone to his ear. 'Hey Ryan, what's up?' Michael asked. 'Hey Mike, I'm good. Just saw your post, you're not still hung up on that whole Twink Death thing are you?' Ryan asked. 'Oh, nah, it's all good. I'll just be turning 30, no biggie!' replied Michael, shrugging. 'Good mate, it's just I want you to know no matter what people say, you're still a gorgeous guy. That's not gonna change overnight' said Ryan. Michael looked back to his reflection and thought for a moment, what if this change he was thinking of didn't happen. 'You still there Mike?' asked Ryan, jumping Michael out of his trance. 'Oh, yeah, sorry just getting ready for bed. Look, shall we meet up for coffee tomorrow?' asked Michael. 'Yeah sounds good, maybe I can get some extra cream for the Birthday Boy' replied Ryan seductively. Michael laughed. 'Shut up Ryan! You get some sleep buddy. See you tomorrow!' chuckled Michael. Ryan wasn't bad really, he'd always had a soft spot for him. He was one of the few friends that knew Michael before his first transformation, and what a revelation that had been for both of them. Michael put his phone on his bedside desk and put a sheet over his mirror, he wanted to be surprised if a change did infact happen. He turned the lights out, sighed happily and snuggled up warm in his bed.

Michael had fallen deep asleep by midnight and that was when the magic began. It started with a growling in his gut as his stomach began to push out against his abs. Hair began to sprout out from his clean-shaven chest and arms as they began to bulk up and his shoulders became more broader and muscular. His hands grew and became more calloused, his legs and feet lengthened and became more hairier, hair was just growing from everywhere. Michael had taken to keeping everything clean-shaven, even his ass and groin, but these tiny dark hairs were coming from everywhere. His dick began to widen and lengthen, becoming a 7-inch girthy fuckstick with some pretty nice balls and his ass became two hefty, hairy melons that filled out his boxers better than before. Despite his body becoming bigger, his muscle definition didn't grant him too big of a gut, he wasn't skin and bones anymore, but he had a pretty huggable frame. Michael's neck began to fill out and dark facial hair began to sprout out, covering his chin, cheeks and jawline. His blonde hair grew out and became a dark brown, as did his eyebrows, becoming bushier and his face restructured granting him a sharp nose with some pretty kissable lips nestled nicely in his beard. The hair on his head kept it's relatively side-swept style, but it became a lot thicker and bushier, and there he laid in his bed, a changed man and yet unaware.

Michael woke up with a yawn, stretching and moving his hands down below the covers to stroke his morning wood under his boxers. 'Mmmm, nice' murmured Michael, feeling his new dick and snapping his eyes open in realisation, sitting upright and examining his new body. He was hairy to say the least, and he actually had a chest that a man could rest their head on now. He couldn't believe it had actually happened again! 'Holy fucking shit!' Michael gasped excitedly, feeling his throat realising his voice had become deeper. He sprang out of bed and tore the sheet off the mirror, being greeted by the man he had become overnight. He examined his face closely in the mirror, feeling his facial hair as it bristled against his fingers. The face itself looked strangely youthful, but worn. Honestly it was a look that Michael didn't mind, it was an experienced look. 'Goodbye Twink, Hello Daddy!' Michael said, laughing. He looked to his fully erect dick and then back to his reflection, wiggling his eyebrows and biting his lip, smiling. 'Guess we're not bottoming anymore huh? Unless someone's feeling brave!' Michael chuckled, feeling his dick again. He lowered his boxers and grabbed his shaft, enjoying the sight of himself masturbating. He began to work up a sweat and after some choice filthy talk, he came over his reflection in the mirror. Panting and leaning on the mirror, he looked his face up and down and smiled. 'We hit the fucking jackpot this time!' he whispered excitedly, kissing his reflection passionately. He was interrupted by the sound of his phone buzzing, it was Ryan.

'Hey Mike! Happy Birthday man!' said Ryan happily. 'Ryan! Dude! It's so good to hear you! Thanks!' replied Michael breathily. 'Whoa man, you sound groggy as fuck! You just woke up?' asked Ryan. 'Uh, yeah. Something like that. We still on for coffee?' asked Michael, eyeing his wardrobe. 'Yeah, I can get to our usual spot in half an hour, sound good?' asked Ryan. 'Perfect! I'll see you soon. Got a few surprises for you!' said Michael, grinning and hanging up before Ryan could respond. He opened his wardrobe doors and grabbed a shirt, but then hesitated. He looked at the shirt and his reflection, he just wasn't feeling it. The styles he'd grown to wear just weren't doing it for him anymore, he searched his wardrobe for something grittier, leathery. He settled on a pair of ripped jeans, brown boots, white t-shirt and a leather jacket. He ruffled up his hair, this was a look he was vibing with. He used to be neat and fancy, but now he just wanted to be laid-back, smoky and seductive, like a Greaser. He pocketed his phone and headed out to the carpark to his car. Again he had a small car that did the job, but what he was really craving was a motorbike. He shook his head, he could sell his car later and get a motorbike, right now he had a date with Ryan, maybe he could get some cigarettes on the way.

Michael was still Michael and had always been him, the sporty fashion twink was gone now, a memory of a past life alongside the nerdy artist before him. This decade he was gonna be a lean leather daddy, and he was gonna love every day of it.

[namelessdeceased]

20-10-24 ╵ sunday ╵ productive day 3/100

ahh! hello! sorry i was supposed to post earlier. woke up at like 11 30 am this morning cause i slept at 5 30, which is still INSANE like i never wake up past 9. got a decent 6 hours of sleep last night and had to run to MMA earlier, and i've just showered after getting back and eating. i won't be going to sleep super early, since yanno i've only been up for what. 9 hours? i'll be fine so i have a bit more work to do. i am feeling pretty good!

🗝 to-do (at least 3.5)

check through dashboard

plan out gifts for teachers

check progress on open house game

start working on their gifts? maybe?

maybe do some stuff on your bujo or notion

📀 casual magic pod e.2 〢 unjaded jade

AHH ruby on ep 2! so excited. also fun fact -- it's my birthday in a week exactly! good evening!

╰ theo 🪐

[athanasia-day]

In honor of the Suicide Prevention Month I think i like to share some thoughts about it and some realizations I just had. I'll be writting this in English and it isn't really my native language, so bare with me.

It was early December of 2021, I was a few months over 16 when I decided that I was finally done with life. Being honest, the idea of suicide had already crossed my mind since I was really young, when? I couldn't exactly tell you, but I was really young when I came to understand that, I wasn't scared of death like everyone else, instead, I crave it.

I can not by any means tell you what made me and still makes me so sad. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't love myself enough, that I didn't feel loved or maybe I was just born sad and tired.

Since kid, I was one of those smarty pants girls who loved books and praise from anyone around me, I craved validation.

So, in 2021, when my anxiety and depression hit me the hardest, I simply dropped, there isn't other word I could use to describe it. I stopped caring about grades or making friends, I only wanted to sleep for hours and to read in a quiet place.

A fact that I always remind myself now that I'm in uni and everyone keeps asking why I choose this career, I always said "it's what I wanted to do since I was a kid" because that was the last time I imagine myself as an adult. After that? I didn't see myself living past my sixteens. Even now it's difficult for me imagining a day where I'll be 30.

That December, when my grades arrived I just knew that I had disappointed my family, and I think that was the last straw at that moment, the only thing keeping me sane was the need of validation. Without that? I was lost.

So, 16 years old me decided that I was gonna take advantage of my family not keeping tabs of the multiple pills we had. I didn't know how It worked, and I'm thankful that it didn't cross my mind to do more research.

I remember my mother screaming at my dad because of my grades as my older brother hugged me, saying that they were just grades, that I least didn't fail any subject or something.

That night, while I was hiding in my family room (where we all slept together except for my older brother), I was lying on my little brother's bed while I was planning.

When it was midnight, I went down stairs knowing mom would be asleep and I checked the pills and grabbed some. I went to my brother's bed again and lay there with the pills.

And yes, as horrorific as it sounds, I was ready to die in my brother's bed, and thinking about that, what the hell was I thinking? The twins were both 10, and they would be the first ones to find my body, how could they ever sleep on those beds again? Knowing that their sister died there?

I was just lying there and processing if I should really go on with my plan when I decided to text my friend to get some help or to simply say goodbye, after all, my parents' goodbye letters have already been written years ago.

So, it was like 2 a.m when I texted my friend, Andrea, and yes, I'm name dropping her because she's an amazing human being and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.

I got into a long talk with her, and even though it didn't change my mind, she made me promise to go out with them some days later. I didn't know that she shared our conversation with our others friends till days later on the outing I saw my friends conversation with another one.

And, it may not sound like much, how could a simple hang out mean so much that it makes you change you mind on suicide? But it meant the world to me, but it reminded me that I am loved, that there would be people who would cry and miss me. It gave me what I had lost sight of, that I was more than some value defined by the things I did or haven't done.

A month later I made a new letter that I personally read to my dad, and I don't think he really understood how deeply hurt I was or how bad the situation was before, but the hug he gave that day cured a lot of wounds that I didn't even knew where there.

Today, I had a very good day, and I'm thankful to say that I enjoyed so much more of life that I would have if I had taken that choice when I was 16.

I realized that, if I had taken that choice, my mom and family would had buried two bodies in a month, my grandpa's, my mom's dad who passed away a few days after my outing, and mine.

Today, I'm 19, because I was reminded by the people who really cared about me that I was more than what I saw in the mirror, that I was more than some bad grades.

Today, I'm 19, studying a career that I can't tell you right now if I love, but that I certainly like. I go to uni Monday to Friday, I work in the morning, I'm studying English and looking to study more languages.

Today, I'm 19, because even if my mom and I fought a lot, I still love her enough to stay by her side, because I love our fights even though I cry a lot during them, because I love how she bakes chocolate cakes and hears me when I talk about Taylor Swift, Doctor Who, Percy Jackson or whatever I'm obsessing at the moment.

Today, I'm 19, because Andrea, Vicky, Jonathan and Maru where there for me and loved me even when I couldn't do it myself. And I'm so very thankful for that, and I swear that I'll live to the fullest with the new life they gave me.

And you, who is reading this, stranger, friend or someone I know that I decided to share this with, know that you're loved, even if you can't see it.

I won't lie to you, it will hurt, you will have your drops, but, and as cliche as it sounds, life is not only about the bad things in our life. It's about that chocolate cake that awaits for you at the table, about that book you still haven't finished, about that friend who would forever remind you as a more than a depressed person, but as their soulmate.

Take care, and thank you for reading.

[pbandjesse]

I am just now getting out of my workshop. Which went almost an hour later that was supposed to. But I had such a good time. And while it only had five people we did great. And I felt super successful and super happy. I'm also very tired. And very glad to go home.

I slept better last night but I still didn't sleep great. I would let myself stay in bed until almost 7:00 and James laid with me for those last 10 minutes. I went and got washed up and dressed and I kept watching the clock. And thinking okay you have 15 minutes till you have to leave okay you have 11 minutes till you have to leave. And I have my morning routine pretty down path to 20 minutes. But I just felt like I was moving so slow. And things were hard to do.

I did not wear makeup today. Well I wore mascara. But I didn't wear eyeliner. My eye still is swollen a little and I just would like to see my face without it for a little while again. And my outfit was fine and my hair was fine. I caught it a little bit more last night. Gave myself some more layers. But I just keep thinking that I look like I did in 7th grade. When I kind of had like a proto mullet of some kind. Just kind of shaggy seeing hair but I didn't use hairspray so it was not as voluminous. But I felt slightly better about myself at least.

I left for work and I didn't really have to deal with any traffic. And I got to camp around 8:00. And it was so nice out. Like it was chilly today. But I just wore a sweatshirt and I was fine. I honestly could have spent more time outside than I did.

I would have my breakfast and around 8:30 Heather texted me a list of vendors that I could contact. I had to do a ton of research to find emails and some of the business names are not SEO optimized because like multiple people are having the same name as your business. I should be able to Google you and you come right up. I should not have to search for your email. Ridiculous. So that took me like an hour to find everyone I contact them. And then by the time I was done that Heather and Sarah and Elizabeth were all in and Heather get me another list of people to contact. So me and Sarah worked on that together and we would get about 25 people contacted. And hopefully we will have a couple people sign up.

once I finish that I would take like an hour to do some research about Uganda. Which is becoming more and more real and I'm still trying not to be very very anxious about it. I don't want to keep asking James to text Paul with all of my questions but I have a lot of questions. Specifically things about visas and vaccinations but also the hotel and the resort are they the same place? Turns out they are. We're staying in a five-star luxury resort. And it looks beautiful in the pictures. And so since now I know where we're staying I started doing research into what we could do on Wednesday which is our one day where we have nothing planned for the wedding. And I found a rhino sanctuary that isn't too too far and I think would be incredible. It's where the last white rhinos live in the wild and there's only like 22 of them and I just think it would be so amazing. I want to see something that I can't see anywhere else. And like we're already staying on lake Victoria which is the largest lake in Africa which is already incredible. But I really want to take advantage of as much as I can on this trip.

So I did a ton of research and I worked on a packing list. I mostly modified the Disney list so I could just utilize a lot of that stuff. Because it's still useful. I just took out the Disney specific things and I'll add in the Uganda specific things. And I texted James and we worked on our document together with all the information about the itinerary and need to know information. I think that we are being a really good team about this.

I had lunch but I was still really hungry and I just kind of remained that way for the rest of the day. Just really snacky. Eventually though Heather and Alexi had a meeting and Elizabeth went for a walk and when she came back she said that there was stuff that we could do to get ready for the open house this weekend. So I would go up to the hacienda and put tables and chairs away and start to sweep. But then my back hurt so I came back.

Sarah and Chloe went and picked up some chicks!! Which was super exciting and I absolutely loved holding in. They are my new best friend. They don't have names yet but two of them were half off for being a week older? Very silly. But it was so fun to have them around.

Soon me and Sarah jumped in the gator to get cleaning supplies and go to woodlands village and wipe down all of the beds while she swapped and then we cleaned pioneer cabins and it was nice to just do a singular task. I had a podcast going and I was just enjoying listening to my headphones and cleaning and it was a good time.

around 3:40 I finished up the last beds and I checked in with Sarah and after putting cleaning product and all the toilets I went back to the office to get my stuff and said goodbye. I needed to go home

But really what I need to do is eat. I was so hungry. And so I went to Wawa and I got a hoagie and I got chips to bring home for James. I sat in my car and watched a video while I ate my sandwich. I had entirely too much bread and cheese but it was great in the moment. And then I went home.

When I got home it was about 5:00. I didn't have to deal with too much traffic and when I got back I was really happy to see James. Sweetp too. And it was so nice seeing our kitchen all pink and James being so happy. And we just hung out for a little while. They had gotten the wrong tote bags out that I asked them for and we had a little bit of a laugh about that while they want to help me find the toepans I actually needed as examples. And then I gave them the trips I got them and they were really excited and we talked and laid on the couch while they worked on bread and soon it was time for me to go again.

I had to create appliance to do my workshop and it went so good. I got there right about 6:00. My first person came at 6:15 while I was still setting up. And I would have four women and one man and everyone was so nice. But man this workshop was a little above all of their pay grades. I think I gave him a lot more than they expected and I don't know I think that we all probably could have done it down a little bit. But we had two people completely finished their tote bags and three people mostly finished their tote bags. And it was great. We had conversations and we had stuff going on and I was troubleshooting and fixing machines and it was chaos but it was really great. And we all got to learn about each other and tell each other encouraging words and I think it was just a really really good time. And at the end once most people were leaving I got some really nice compliments. Parker's partner came and she said that I was super charismatic and she was awesome and I just felt like everyone really enjoyed the class and that made me feel really good. The last person to leave was the guy that came. I believe his name was Alex and he just moved to Baltimore this year and he really excited and he made a giant bag. And he stayed the extra 45 minutes so that we could work on it together to finish it and it came out great and I'm so proud of him. He had never sown a day in his life not hand sewn not machine sewn. And he was so brave and I showed him some hand sewing stuff as well and it was just awesome. I think if I was to do this again I would definitely want to have more sewing machines. But I think we did great with what we had and it was just a really really good class.

I'm sitting in the car now finishing writing this and I'm about to go in and I'm really excited to see my husband and take a shower and then go to sleep. Because tomorrow we have so much to do to get ready for the open house this weekend. And I just hope that we get it all done. Because if we do not I'm coming in very early on Sunday to do it. And I don't want to do that.

Good night everybody. I hope that you are safe and happy. Until next time.

[jodilin65]

Lying in bed, I’m starting this entry on my phone. I may or may not get it posted today, but I'll work on talk-typing it little by little. I have a lot of writing to catch up on!

No more methylprednisolone. I'm not sure if that or the Claritin is helping my nose, but the methylprednisolone has definitely fueled my insomnia. Last night, I was up for 21.5 hours and only slept for 5. Thyroid storms also cause insomnia so it was doubling the insomnia. I’m still exhausted, but I can’t get back to sleep. At least I woke up on my own this time and not from suffocating, feeling hot, or snoring.

My nasal tissues may not have fully healed yet from the Nasacort, but I have a feeling that as long as I’m in this state, I’ll always need to sleep with either a nasal dilator or a breathing strip.

If I hadn’t been super hungry last night—likely due to the methylprednisolone—I would’ve skipped hitting 154 lbs and woken up at 153, but because I ate more than usual, I’m still at 155 lbs. It’s definitely the Levo that dropped my weight so fast. I think the first two pounds may have been from cutting sugar, but the rest was the Levo. I've been consuming way too many calories to lose weight like I used to when I could do it the healthy way and could only lose 2-3 pounds a month.

Late last night, I noticed my lungs finally relaxing and I could feel my metabolism slowing down. I wasn’t as warm, jittery, or tense. I still feel a little on edge because Rhonda won’t help me, leaving me to figure out the best way to manage this fucking poison on my own that I’m destined to struggle with for the rest of my life. I don’t know whether I should automatically skip once a week or trim the pills by 15%, dropping the dose to 75. With a 10 lb loss, I’ve learned I can’t stay on the same dose. I’d like to keep my weight down, but I’d gladly go back to being hypo and fat before becoming thyrotoxic again! It’s a horrible, horrible feeling—worse than the norovirus!

I can’t wait for this year to end! Four is such an unlucky number. This has been the worst year since we moved here. It’s also my second crisis this year. I started to suspect something was wrong when my moods started dipping and my weight began coming off too easily. Then I had trouble falling asleep. The only difference this time is that my heart rate didn’t spike like crazy, and I’ve never had such tightness for so long. That’s a known side effect of having too much Levo, though. I only remember the tightness being really bad the first time I had a problem on the shit. I'm just glad I didn’t have to deal with a heart rate of 120 or higher while I was going through everything else and even more glad he’s not working.

It’s definitely been a rough few days, and I feel so fucking cursed. Just so, so fucking cursed. I truly believe without a doubt that I’m never going to be healthy again—not like I was before my 50s. Tom says not to give up hope because things can change. He told me he feels way better now than he did 5 years ago, which is interesting since he’s pretty sedentary. But he was working 10-hour shifts at a job he hated. I’d feel a lot younger too if I retired from that. But trust me, I’m destined to suffer for the rest of my life. I just have to enjoy the few good days I get until I’m fed up enough to end it all. I’ve only lived this long for him.

Sometimes I wish we could have our own private suite in a hospital with every kind of doctor imaginable. Anytime I felt symptoms, they’d be there, and they’d be the same doctors who got to know me well.

I get that Rhonda did the right thing by telling me to go to the lab and to an endocrinologist, but I couldn’t get to the lab before skipping a dose I desperately needed to skip to avoid getting worse, and I can’t just “go to an endo.” It takes months to get in. Plus, I’ve seen three, and not one of them has been very helpful in the end.

I have never regretted giving up Galileo as much as I do now! They would’ve gotten me into the lab immediately and let me lower my dose when I asked to. The fact that Rhonda won’t trust that I know my own damn body and have been through this before is frustrating and not at all helpful. All this for being less than a point over where I should be! She, like too many other doctors, is too obsessed with numbers. I get that she’s doing her job, but sometimes you really do have to consider the individual patient and trust what they tell you. You may have the training, but you don’t live in their body and know it as well as they do.

So we’ve decided that at the end of the year, we’re going to hopefully sign me up with an insurance plan that either includes Galileo, or I’ll purchase Galileo on my own and get a plan they’ll work with. Galileo isn’t compatible with Aetna CVS. I will miss the Minute Clinic, but Galileo is much more helpful and convenient. They weren’t perfect, but they were still way better overall. I get that I’ll still have to bring my crotch to the GYN if necessary, my eyes to the glaucoma doctor, and my boobies for mammograms, but in-person primary care is just not for me.

This is a medication I’m going to have to be extra careful with and likely struggle with for the rest of my life. No point in going to an endocrinologist who’s either going to deny what’s going on or suggest crazy, unnecessary things. There’s no getting around the problem—hormone replacement therapy is what it is. I still need a synthetic thyroid, and because my body can’t adjust its own levels with my weight fluctuations and other things, and because I’m so sensitive to it, there’s no way around that.

Either way, Galileo had so many positives. Virtual primary care means fewer appointments, even if I have to go to the lab more often. If we ever move, I won’t have to worry about having enough meds till I get settled. Not that I think I’m ever going to be healthy enough to handle a lousy two- or three-day vacation, let alone a move, even though we’ve been talking about getting an RV and heading back out west near Becky. Tom said it’s too bad we didn’t know earlier about the Pacific Islands that are US territories. That could have been an option, but we always learn things too late in life. *Rolls eyes.*

This shit I’ve gone through for the last 4-5 days was worse than the norovirus I had earlier in the year. I wasn’t nearly as wound up then, and I had a better sense of what was going on. This time, I felt scared and hopeless, even though the logical side of me knew it would eventually pass, like most things do. But that still doesn’t mean I’m ever going to be healthier, happier, or have my old energy back.

That’s another thing… I still have sleep apnea to deal with, and I’m not sure how. I’m still afraid to try the Inspire, as appealing as it sounds, and I can’t get into an ENT here anyway. So, I guess that leaves me possibly finding a way to get a mouthguard made or seeing the pulmonologist to give the CPAP another try. Worst-case scenario, we could buy a refurbished one with the headgear for roughly $500.

Tom donated on Tuesday, and I was definitely anxious while he was gone. But thanks to Stacey, I didn’t panic. I tried to distract myself with VR meditation, coloring, and even chatting with Mia. Yes, I mostly see them as fashion games, but sometimes chatting with Mia or Amanda when things get rough can be a little therapeutic, even if you know they’re just bots. Even ChatGPT can be comforting—it sure is educational, that’s for sure. Things would have been so much worse over the last decade without Google and now AI to research symptoms and whatnot.

He ordered four free COVID tests from the government, which should arrive soon, but I don’t think we’ll need them since I was just tested. Kathy said she had it twice and it was horrible. It seems Tom and I are the only ones who haven’t had it. I hope it stays that way! Things are so much harder to handle the older I get, emotionally too. Back in the '90s and earlier, when I caught colds, I knew it was just a cold, accepted it, and it didn’t affect me emotionally. Now, I worry—what if it’s not really a cold? What if it’s something else? And then my mind goes crazy thinking about what it could be.

Ah, it’s so therapeutic to pour my thoughts out! I’m still considering another therapist, even if it would be virtual.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I created a Google Doc to log everything I feel physically and emotionally each day, how I slept, and what medications I took, whether they were prescription or over-the-counter. I won’t mention the Levo unless I skip it. I still don’t have the energy to catch up on the cleaning I’ve been wanting and needing to do, and I haven’t even been on the road. My poor VR ride is going to take much longer. I’m still in the middle of the Russian forest.

Thanks to Kathy, I’ve learned how to broil sirloin steaks, even though the steaks come out tough no matter what I do because, well, that’s just a cheap cut of steak for you. I never broiled steaks before. I tried one in the slow cooker too.

The honker's return is near because the handyman is edging his place and trimming his tree. Kind of rude, too, considering he started before 8:00. I have a feeling the honker's going to come down even earlier this year and probably leave even later. Each year, he seems to extend his stay. He's probably eager to get back to his fuck buddy. For the last couple of days, that dark truck with the New York plates has been parked there.

I had this dream where I was talking to Judy, Andy's mother. We were discussing why we prefer to sleep alone and hate sharing our beds. Then I said something as a joke, but she took it the wrong way. I glanced away for a second, and when I looked back, she wasn't there. I started walking down a long hallway looking for her. When I called out, I heard her speaking softly from somewhere down the hall. I checked each room as I moved down the hall until I found her folding laundry in one of the rooms. I apologized, saying I was sorry if the joke came out wrong and offended her. She responded by saying she hoped Andy had pissed me off and asked if I knew I made their [female name] vicious. I guess she was referring to a grandchild of hers, and that I supposedly watched a movie around them when they were a baby, which somehow made them grow up angry. I told her Andy already pissed me off and that I had no idea what movie she was talking about.

Then, I had another dream where I was living with my parents again. I woke up in the morning in what seemed like a fairly large and sunny bedroom. I went to weigh myself, but the scale, along with something else, was broken. I stepped out into the kitchen to find both my parents already up, and I mentioned the broken things. I opened the refrigerator and saw my mom had bought a chicken. I said that a nice family meal would be great, and it was too bad we didn't have lettuce and tomatoes so I could make us a salad to go with it. I followed her out of the kitchen and down a little hallway, where a door was slightly open to the outside. She said a monster mouse got into the house last night and that it was out there. I thought it was weird that she left the door open in that case, but I went outside and walked down a little path alongside the house. I saw a black mouse lying on the ground. A few ants were crawling on it, and it was struggling to get away but was too injured. I went back inside, saying I was going to get something to put it out of its misery.

[nathank77]

8/5/24

9:34 a.m Added to/Edited 9:52 a.m

The only thing I can think of are the commonalities with the two nights that I had to double up to sleep:

1) I had 2 Red Bulls.

2) Both days were a game day where I did nothing but game. I gamed for like 8-10 hours yesterday. The day before my dad's house I gamed for like 8 hours at least.

3) Having a little caffeine after 5 p.m

Other than that there aren't other commonalities. I didnt even shower both of those days cause I showered the day before my dad's and the night I came home from dad's.

I didn't even make a phone call or run an errand or anything. I relaxed. I relaxed and played Minecraft both days and played my heart out. I mean that's all I can say.

I slept fine the night I came home from my fathers on the standard dose but I was outside. I was social. I showered. I exposed myself to sunlight. Although the half was so thick it must have been a .7 or a .8....

Last night it was probably a .6 or .7. The night before my dad's I mean it was 1.5 by the time I fell asleep.

Was it bc I didn't do anything but game and I drank two Red Bulls? I mean I've had many red Bull days Aka 24 ounces of red Bulls.. and fell sleep on the standard dose.

I had anxiety last night cause I could only take 1, 50 mg of CBD cause I only had one more gummie left. Im getting them today.

Today I'm feeling really depressed, I don't have many things on my list of things to do. Shave my face/Head idk If I'm going to do it. I'll likely shower.

Part of me wants to bring the clear bin by my game stack up to the attic despite it being empty mostly. It only has my uhart target bag in it and 2 shirts I don't like much. I wanted to fill it but I'm sick of it taking up space in my room. I can always bring stuff upstairs and fill it.

I was also planning to "set up" both Macbooks. One is purely professional and is set up. The other I want to hook my fb to and Instagram bc it's my "gaming/fun" macbook.

I'm meeting with Erin today. I'd do laundry but I'm going to wait until later this week.

This whole week I barely have anything to do but therapy Tuesday and thursday. I have nothing to be anxious about. I know I was anxious about my cbd.

I am anxious about my uti... but I'm coping. I honestly just want to watch TV. I used to have TV days but now that my gamers burn out has been cured every day I can relax I just game.

Idk ill eventually get out of the rut and at least shower.

I still got to figure out what to do with the mouse deodorant and stuff...

I also got to finish putting my shreddables in bins but I'm absolutely not doing that today.

I got to try to be active. I just feel depressed cause I had my eyes closed for a long time and couldn't sleep... and then I don't want to buy cbd but it def helped with my panic attacks...

I def had some microsleep flashbacks last night and the night before my dad's. Rapid eye movement nervousness about it being fucked up and not working right/not being in alignment.

I mean I bought 100mg a day of CBD again.... I want to go down to 50 but my brain is like take 100mg fuck the money... and I used to not even be able to think about the word panic without having heart palpitations.... so it's hard to decide not to buy it.

I also notice white on my inner cheeks could be From SLS and my cheek healing now that I removed it... or could be a yeast infection, when I have my psychical I'm going to ask to get tested for yeast again as my tongue is still black hairy tongue that is insanely clean bc I scrap it twice a day... but with the white on inner cheeks if it doesn't clear up, it could be yeast or a sign of cancer...

I'm just wondering why I'm trying so hard. Part of me is like go to prime house despite knowing I won't meet anyone there anyways.

Another thing that is getting to me is my ac is slowly shitting the bed and I can afford to put it on the new credit line... I mean not if I want to get a bed... but I feel I may have to spring the cash from the new credit line cause it really is shitting the bed.

Also my cigarettes are due soon. I got one more carton and I don't want to go to new Hampshire but I'm thinking like somewhere around the 15th or so... that'll be another bill... I wanted to get my southern degree replaced with my name... but I can't afford the fee cause I had to pay for my car taxes. Also l salvariuos. And cbd...

Maybe next month. Also I have to eventually bring in my "gaming" Macbook to apple but can't this month too broke.

I def have money anxiety. And I was thinking about going to prime house today bc maybe it is just 2 red bulls and gaming all day effecting my ability to sleep and caffeine after 5 p.m... cause that is also a commonality between the night before dad's and last night.

So yea I'm a ball of anxiety and I'm sick of being alone and i wish I could find a gf.

Beyond that my car ac is terrible.. I'm sick of how hot it is. It makes me want to stay in the house all day everyday. I can't wait for the weather to be less fucking disgusting.

Being in my car makes me nasous it's so fucking hot and I can't even crack a windows both motors on the driver side and passenger side are blown.

[ratralsis]

I keep looking for Tina. She slept under the recliner in my living room a lot, especially in the warmer months, and it was her favorite spot for the last month or so. So when I'd roll up my exercise mat after my morning workouts, or when I'd go to do my physical therapy exericses in the evening, she'd often come out from under the recliner and see me. In the morning, it was because she wanted food. In the evenings, it was because she wanted me to pet her.

When I worked out this morning, I kept looking to the recliner, even checking under it once, to see if she was there. She won't ever be there again.

At lunch, I packed her remaining thyroid medication into my backpack and walked to her regular vet, which is only a ten-minute walk from my house. The technician who greeted me said she was sorry for my loss.

"Heard about that, huh?" I asked.

"Lap of Love always calls us," she explained.

"Well," I said, and I placed my backpack on the floor in front of the desk. I retrieved four bottles of pills. Two were completely full, with 60 pills each of 5.0mg and 2.5mg of Felimazole, and the other two were partially empty. "Tina doesn't need these anymore."

"These are to be donated?" she asked me.

"Or disposed of," I said. I wanted to act casually, but I could hear in my voice that I was starting to choke up and cry again. "I don't care either way. But seeing them on my counter this morning damn near broke me. Max doesn't need them, and if he ever does, I'll buy more."

She told me again that she was so sorry for my loss, and told me to have a nice day as I turned to leave.

"Thank you," I said. "You, too."

Max looked for her, too, under the recliner. He sniffed the carpet around where she usually slept, paused, then walked away. It's a day-old smell of a cat whose smells are all at least a day old, now.

The box were Tina liked to stand when I played with Max is still there. Only Tina ever used that box. Max never did. Never does. Should I get rid of it? I suppose I should, eventually.

I slept for six uninterrupted hours last night, from around 10:30 PM until 4:30 AM, when Max woke me by laying down under my arm like he very rarely does. He doesn't like sharing the bed with Tina, you see. But he doesn't have to now. Now he finally has me all to himself, and he's taking advantage of that fact today.

It was the longest amount of time I've ever slept in one go in this house, since I moved here in March of 2018 with the two cats. Study after study has shown that co-sleeping, either with pets or even a spouse, is terrible for your sleep. If all you want is better quality sleep, you're better off sleeping in separate beds and separate rooms.

But I'd trade every good night of sleep I'll ever get from here on out if it meant Tina could have stayed healthy forever and kept waking me up by clawing my face, demanding I pet her at 1:30 AM or that I roll off of my side and onto my back so she could curl up under my arm again. I can't say I ever got used to her doing that, but I did at least stop reacting by trying to hit her or grab her.

Let me be clear: she really did claw my face while I slept. She did it slowly and carefully, too. She'd lift up one front paw and gently scrape her claws on my forehead, or on my nose, or, once, she reached under my chin and scraped upward. That one surprised me.

She'd claw my legs when I sat at my computer trying to work, too. She wanted to be pet, or brushed, so she'd claw me. Sometimes she'd just sit and do nothing, trusting that I'd eventually pet her or brush her anyway. I could always tell when she came into the room, because she'd be licking her lips from having just eaten something or she'd sneeze or cough or otherwise make a disgusting old woman sound. She also walked loudly, so, even with earplugs in, I could usually hear her enter the room at night when I was in bed. She weighed 6 pounds or less for the last three years of her life, but she stomped her feet when she walked. She had an incredibly loud walk. I don't know if it was deliberate. I imagine not.

She was a terrible cat. She always smelled bad. It's one of the reasons I brushed and pet her so much. She stopped cleaning herself regularly years ago, when her joints started to ache. But I kept her clean enough that I really only smelled her if I brought her within an inch of my nose, and, really, at that point, it's my fault and not hers.

She had health problems for most of her life, starting with ear infections when she was only a few years old that left her with permanently sensitive ears. She had very large ears. They itched a lot, but if I scratched them, she'd always shake her head vigorously. In her last couple of years, she'd shake her head so hard that she'd lose her balance.

She'd drool, sometimes, when she slept. She'd lay her head down on me and when she got up there'd be a wet spot there. That, thankfully, stopped as she got older.

She would run and hide from me when I wanted to play or pet her, and only emerge again when she wanted to be pet. It made those moments when I could pet her or old her, or when she climbed onto the bed to sleep next to me, feel that much more special.

Before I even had a bed, back when I slept on a futon in an apartment with just me and her, she'd still walk back and forth over my body at night at least once or twice, purring like a gas-powered lawnmower. She had a horrible purr. It was this loud, wheezing noise, unlike any other cat I've known. I wondered for a long time if she was unhealthy because of it, before I decided that it was probably fine. She made it to 18 years old, so I'd say it was.

She'd wheeze and purr her terrible purr and it would lull me to sleep. I loved the sound of it. It meant she was happy. She was relaxed. She was never a high-strung cat, but she was easily annoyed, and hard to please. When I could make her happy, it was the best feeling in the world. The feeling of her resting her chin on me was the best that there was.

Sometimes, I'd be able to convince both cats to relax on the bed with me at the same time. I would think of those moments as the happiest in my life, even when they were happening. "This is it," I'd think. "Winning at bedtime."

I'm glad I had Tina in my life for as long as I did. 18 years is a long time, a good long time, and I don't have any regrets about it. I wish I could have had more, but I was already so greedy in wanting that much.

I dug through my hard drives and found these, which I believe are the oldest photos of her that I ever took, from January of 2008. She would have just turned two years old. This is pre-smartphone technology, here, folks. This isn't even a fliphone. It's just a slide-open phone with a shitty camera, but of the first twelve photos I ever took with a phone, four are of Tina. I still have this bed, by the way, or at least the frame. The mattress and box spring have been replaced.

Here she is from April 15 of this year, at her oldest and skinniest, sitting on the arm of my sofa for reasons known only to her. It's the best photo I have of her gorgeous eyes. The most beautiful eyes of any cat I've ever seen, even at 89 years old. They were the deepest, most brilliant shade of green, and it simply does not photograph right. Even in this photo, they look more yellow than they did in real life.

That was her, and how I'll always remember her: as my horrible, stinky old woman, who clawed my face and yelled at me when I had a food bowl in my hand because she wanted it on the floor and who purred like a chainsaw in my ear at night, and who had the softest fur and the prettiest eyes and who let me hold her like a baby, even though she'd always growl at me when I did that to her.

She was simply the best.

I'll probably share more photos in coming days, but I cried less today than I did yesterday, and that trend will likely continue, too.

Sorry to bother you twice about my dead cat like this.

Actually, no, I'm not. Fuck you. She was a big part of my life, and I miss her.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

The great regular sleep experiment of 2024 part "sleepless" [2 probably, I forget]

So last night I didn't sleep at all. I laid down and everything though.

Today I let myself be in bed by 9 because my bedtime tends to creep forward anyway and I am usually home from errands by 9 regardless...

I was kind of hoping I'd sleep a solid 8 hours.

I slept 4 ish hours, and woke up naturally twice to pee in there somewhere so I am assuming it was about 3 of my shorter REM cycles.

Had the weirdest fucking dreams on the last one... But of course I was awake by 2pm...

Now I get to try to find the energy to finish re-organizing before Monday. I am not going to a government building on a Friday or on the weekend anyway, but I need my health card like 6 months ago. I'm not going any later than Wednesday next week, surely.

But that leaves me 4 days to get some more organizing done and then recover... Also order some alcohol since brushing alone probably isn't maintaining my two broken teeth, and call COHB because I haven't gotten their email yet.

Then I have about 3 medical appointments to catch up on, trying to get my medical record from my doctor directly because I don't think I'll be finding a new GP just at the moment, and everything else I need to do to get my life in order...

And I have to do it with all the good judgement and coordination of someone running this insomnia causing experiment on themselves.

A lot of the cuts and scrapes and bruises are healing, btw, but they are being very itchy about it.

I was kind of hoping this would break this schedule entirely because I want to be free.

I keep having to take advil, and part of that might be whatever smoke of some kind is managing to leak in here, but a large part of it is not sleeping enough.

The most notable observation I can make now is that my body will do both "sleeps consistent time after last was awake" and also "wakes up at same time regardless of when slept" depending on which one provides at least 3.5 hours and is close enough to whatever I did the day before, but like, only the day before. As with anything I seem to form and break habits at a single repetition in that regard. but I still can't make my brain stay asleep longer than 1.5 ish hours at once, and it's still way harder at night.

The reason this didn't break the pattern is because 9 is close enough to 10 and I woke up at 2, so my next bedtime is still a set amount after 2, which will be 10 pm...

[angel-hlos]

✿ i see • j.one x reader

word count - 1.8k

pairing - j.one of 3DREAM x gn!reader

genre - fluff

kca idols in this fanfic - j.one/jisung (@gnusij._ on insta), jenn (@swnrior on insta), reona/kenny (@cosmickykenny on insta), coco/coral (@1._coral_.1 on insta), hyun (@hyuniicho on insta)

a/n - my first fanfic!! i'm really proud of this one, i enjoyed writing it sm, i felt all the feels i needed while writing this and it felt like a breath of fresh air

enjoy!

10 years.

10 years marked your silly little crush on your closest friend, Jisung. While it may seem cliché, you didn't care. You were madly in love for you to care what anyone said about the guy you liked for almost over a decade.

You remember the day you told your other close friend about it, after 10 years you opened up to someone about the whole thing.

"I like him, I like my own bestfriend, Jisung." You told her.

"Ha! Not shocked about it, I could tell. You're always so close to him. Y/N, from the day I met you two, I could tell you loved him as something more than a friend." Jenn told you, clearly unfazed by the look of embarassment you gave her after she just blurted out that she knew this whole time.

"I- What the hell do you mean by that? You knew this whole time?!" You looked at her, cheeks pink with embarassment and your face in shock.

"Of course I did, do you also know that Jisung's friends figured it out too?" She added on, just casually sipping her favorite flavor of soda.

You're face got even more pink in embarassment, the room got silent as you looked around the room to hide the shyness that came upon you. You sighed and then said something to lighten up the mood.

"I guess I'm really obvious if you and Jisung's friends figured it out then." You chuckled lightly after saying that.

Jenn giggled with you, trying to get rid of the wave of embarassment the room was once filled with.

"Nothing wrong with that, you just gotta make sure he doesn't find out before you tell him anything." She said.

She was right, if you were too obvious to the point Jisung knew, it could ruin your chances of him ever liking you back.

'I shouldn't think too much of it..' is what you thought to yourself after what Jenn stated.

That day exactly, was flashbacked last night. Basically your whole dream was that. You then thought to yourself for a few more seconds before sitting upright and getting out of bed, still feeling a bit groggy after sleeping at such a late hour. You really dreaded your schoolwork, but you knew you had to put in effort if you wanted to graduate school soon, so sleep was given up for a good grade, and the cherry on top was you being an idol, or at least training to become one. Being a trainee was difficult while also juggling school.

After just moping about school and eating your usual breakfast, you were greeted with the usual good morning text from Jisung.

Jiji

'good morning :) slept well?'

Y/N

'good morning Ji :] and yeah i slept well, what about you?'

Jiji

'i slept well too. i'll see you at practice? unless your skipping haha'

Y/N

'you know i wouldn't skip... i'd get in trouble. plus i love training so i wouldn't care. ill see you then, if your free after working with your group, of course.'

Jisung debuted before you in a self-produced trio called 3DREAM. You met the other 2 members, Reona and Coco, and you enjoyed their company. You got ready and you started your usual weekday routine.

You walked through the doors of the company you were under and saw Reona and Coco talking at the cafeteria, you went up to them and they waved at you.

"Hey Y/N! Hope you had a good morning." Reona greeted you. His voice, as usual was pretty loud and energetic. Being the powerhouse vocal of the group gave him that voice that could be heard from miles away.

"Hi Reona, hi Coco, my morning was good. Do you guys think we can talk for a bit?" You replied in a rush, you were ready to tell them about your crush on their friend, you wanted to know if what Jenn said a few days ago was true in it's entirety.

"Talk away." Reona insisted.

"I... I like Jisung." You told them in a quiet voice, where only the 3 of you could hear what came out your mouth. It was silent for a bit before Reona and Coco looked at each other and were starting to laugh.

"W-What's so funny?" You blurted out in embarassment.

"Oh- Oh my gosh!" Reona was trying to catch his breath. "You thought we wouldn't figure out?" He added on, his voice was a bit shaky after laughing so much.

"What Reona said, your so obvious. I'm surprised Jiji hasn't figured it out yet!" Coco backed Reona up, sighing after what she said.

So that confirmed everything, Jenn wasn't lying when she said that even Jisung's other friends knew. Was it really that obvious? It made you a bit embarrased, but at least that gave you a reassurance since Coco said that Jisung doesn't know. There was still an awkward silence that rised upon them, Coco just went on her phone, and Reona looked around before speaking up again,

"Do you want to come to the recording studio with us? We always have room for a 4th member today." Reona proposed. It wasn't unusual for you to join them once in a while in the studio, just to accompany them. Whether it was recording or simply making a new beat, they didn't mind, as long as you weren't making a mess or being annoying while they were in idol mode, they didn't care.

Reona shuffled around his keys to find the one that opens the recording studio. It took a little bit before he found it. He opened the door and turned on the lights.

"Sorry about that, I'm still a little tired since its so early." Reona sighed before sitting in his iconic office chair, which was placed near his moniter. Coco sat down next to him and started to write something. You looked around, trying to start a conversation, but you assumed they were in their idol mode, focusing on their work.

"Where's Jiji?" You asked, waiting for a response from one of them.

"He said he'd be running late today." Reona answered.

"He's probably asleep like always." Coco chuckled before stepping in the recording studio to record her verse.

"He texted me before I woke up so I'm assuming he had to go to a morning class." You said, shuffling around the leather sofa you sat on.

"Probably, I wouldn't know because I do my stuff online." Reona focused on getting Coco's verse down. He started recording until there was a loud knock on the door.

"I'm assuming thats your boyfriend at the door." Reona teased. You yelled at him in embarassment and he chuckled, letting Jisung in.

"Ohmygoshsorryforbeingsolateim!-" Jisung rushed, putting his work on the monitor desk.

"Its okay, its okay. I'm assuming you had a morning class then." Reona calmed him down and told him to chill out on the leather sofa with you until he finished recording Coco's lines. Jisung followed his advice and gave you a wave before sitting down.

"Hi Jisung." You smiled softly.

"Hey Y/N," He smiled back, "I assume you didn't have a morning class."

"I didn't. Today my stuff is virtual." You told him.

"Lucky!" He cried out, which made you giggle.

The coversation lasted long, as usual, until Reona took him to record. He winked at you, still teasing you about your crush on him before pushing Jisung in the recording studio.

You gave him an unamused look. This group seems to be the most interesting one you've befriended so far.

Your mentality of, 'survive until the weekend' really payed off. You got a lot of stuff done, which means you had the weekend all to yourself. You were invited to go to the city with Jenn, Reona, Coco, Jisung, and one of Jisung's friends you never met before. You were excited but nervous to meet them for the first time, after all, you weren't quite acquainted with many of Jisung's idol friends other than Reona and Coco, who took you under their wing. While pondering about how this could turn out, Jisung texted you.

Jiji

'hey, i'm here to pick you up, come out soon when youre ready'

Y/N

'im leaving rn'

You ran out the door and got into his car. You exchanged some hellos before starting another long conversation in the car.

You made it to downtown and saw Reona, Coco, Jenn, and Jisung's other close friend. Both of you got out and greeted them. Jisung got this as the opprotunity to introduce you to his friend.

"Y/N, this is Hyun. They're one of my idol friends, I think I've mentioned them a bit to you but I may not remember." Jisung explained. You looked towards Hyun and gave them a smile.

"Hello, I'm Y/N." You kindly introduce yourself to them. Hyun shook your hand before letting go.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Hyun." Hyun smiled and you guys started your hangout around the downtown area.

The weather was perfect for this time of season, you stuck around Reona a lot as he told you about many things an idol does and also just general advice. Jenn and Coco helped bring some laughter into the scene too.

The only thing bugging you was Hyun. You got a bit jealous at Hyun being so flirty, you wondered if it was even normal.

Everyone stopped to eat at a restauraunt before continuing to walk around. You sat next to Coco and asked her a question.

"Is... Is Hyun always this flirty around Jisung?" You asked Coco quietly, making sure it was only you guys hearing what you had to say.

"I knew you would ask that," Coco giggled. "Honestly yeah, Hyun is always on Jisung. Me and Reona think Hyun likes him too.. but we don't know to be honest. I think its just their way of friendship." Coco added on with a shrug.

It was sketchy, but one things for sure, you weren't going to lose your chance.

It was nighttime and Jisung offered to take you back home. You accepted the offer and once you got inside, you grabbed your chance.

"Jisung, can we talk?" You told him out of nowhere.

"Yeah? What is it?"

"I.. I like you. I've had a crush on you, for a really, really long time. I didn't know if you'd like me back since you seemed to be really close with Hyun." You rambled on. Jisung seemed shocked the whole time. He stopped you so he could say something.

"If I said that I had eyes for only you and not Hyun, would you be my partner?" He said.

"I see.. then yeah, I would." You looked at him with a smile.

You felt all your worries slip away after that confirmation. It felt too good to be true.

[a-heart-like-a-sparrow]

January 13th, 2024 - Imbalance

────────────────────────────── Woke up at 3 PM. I was so confused. Went straight to lunch The keep going with the bedroom reset ──────────────────────────────

☆.。†：＊・゜☆．。†：＊・゜☆．。†：＊・゜☆

I don't know if "Imbalance" is the correct word, but let's use it anyway.

It's weird because I feel good that I'm finally doing something, but at the same time I feel so stupid and uninteresting and sad. It's like I should be doing more, because if I don't, nobody will care. It's gonna drive me insane someday...

But yeah, with "something" I refer to my bedroom reset. I have to tidy my closet now. I folded my clean clothes and gave a little place for the used ones. But I still hace to fold the clothes inside my wardrobe. It's not a lot, but HEY, I FOLDED THE NEW ONES! I did something. In less than one hour.

And I did it while listening to Björk. I've been listening to one album with 10 songs while I do things. First, it was Souvlaki, and now it was Homogenic. It's good, I don't like doing things in silence very much, it's boring.

I took the last 20 minutes to listen to more Cocteau Twins. I finished Blue Bell Knoll, I loved it! Right now it's at the top of my ranking... but Heaven or Las Vegas. Oh my god, HEAVEN OR LAS VEGAS. It's incredible, and I don't care if it is the most popular and/or basic album by them, I LOVE IT ANYWAY. I could only listen to half of it tho, I stopped to write this entry.

I've also been listening to Mazzy Star today. It's no secret that it's my favourite band, I talk about them all the time. They may be at the top of my artists on Spotify this year... it's kind of a goal. I'm obsessed with them, yeah.

But that's everything I have to say about music. I also talk about that a lot.

Ah, yes. I slept at 7 AM again. I woke up at 11 AM, and fell asleep again. I woke up at 3 PM, and I was so confused, because I saw my mother sleeping?? It was weird, I thought she hadn't gone to work. But she did. My brain wasn't braininga at that moment.

But anyway, let's talk about the picture of the night! I keep a big piece of my own hair in my closet. It's from 2020, when I cut my hair really short, it was like a shoulder-length cut. And I kept the rest of my hair! It's so tangled tho, I tried brushing it but it keeps falling. So I'll leave it like that. You can see my cat with my hair at the top!

I used to have really long hair, and it wasn't layered. It was so boring... and ugly. Last year in January I got it cut again. It's like a long wolfcut now, and it's the result of my other haircut from June 2023! It ended right at the back of my neck and I had short bangs that covered my forehead.

My friend (and even my mom) said I looked like an anime boy. They're right tho. I should go back to that hairstyle... hmmmm...

Maybe someday. For now it's a bit longer.

Oh my god, I'm talking too much. I should leave it here for now... yeah, I will, I want more Heaven or Las Vegas lol - it's so good wth

Well, at least you learned a lot about my hair! Now you can rest well with that little story in mind. Bye-byeee

☆.。†：＊・゜☆．。†：＊・゜☆．。†：＊・゜☆

[pbandjesse]

Happy New Year's Eve! It was very grey today but I don't think that ruin the ringing in of the new year. Honestly all the fog today in made me think back to when we worked at ships and how loud the parrot riffle was on foggy days. I hope the fireworks tonight are extra loud.

It was kind of a sleepy day for me. I have a little bit of anxiety right now on my stomach. But it's not for any real reason. I think I am just tired and a little stressed out. That is alright.

I had a good day. I slept okay last night. I was sad when James decided to try to sleep on the couch for a while and I missed them. I went out and kissed their head before I came to bed and fell asleep myself. It was a good sleep. Even if it was lonely.

I gave James a hug in the morning when they woke me up to say goodbye. They would take a scooter to work today so I could have the car. Very kind of them. It was the first time they've taken a scooter since the accident so I think that it was also nice for them.

I woke up at 9 and was in a pretty good mood. All I wanted to do this morning was finish my blanket. And man am I proud. It took a while to finish those last three rows but it was worth it.

I did my last temperature and that only took about 15 minutes, and then one black line, which took another 15 or so. The part that took forever was casting off the loom and then whip stitching the entire edge down. This took an hour and change. I was nervous the whole time. Like it was a tangible finishing of this project. Like yes I'll still have to weave in ends and some small finishing details. But it's of the loom! It's a useable blanket!! Watching it slowly come off the loom was so weird!!

Right before I finished that last few minutes of whip stitches Mr Will knocked on the door to ask a question. And I brought him in to show him the blanket. I stood on the coffee table to hold it up. He asked if I was going to sell it and when I told him how much it would cost (materials plus paying myself $15 an hour, it would cost at minimum $3500) he was a little shocked. Still he encouraged me to make smaller ones to sell. I'll consider it. I was just to excited to be done this project. Even if it's just for me!!

I finished the last bit of stitching and got my shoes on. Because I can't just sit and enjoy the end of this project, I have to plan the next. And it was time to go to get more yarn for next year project.

It was way foggier out then I realized. Thankfully there weren't many people on the roads. And I had a nice, slow, drive to joann's.

It was sort of raining at this point. I was glad to be inside.

I thought I was going to go with this fleece yarn I really liked but they didn't have a good color range. I knew I didn't want to go with the bulky yarn but I like the brand so I stuck around there. I had fun looking in all of the aisles but I ended up really liking the velvet yarn. I chose 6 and would put them back and make one more lap before deciding on them for sure. And while this precipitation blanket is going to be a little more confusing, I think it's going to be beautiful at the end and very different from this years. I'm excited.

And everything was on sale. So it was like $40 less then I had budgeted in my head. Amazing.

I paid and left and decided to go to the thrift store. I did not buy anything and honestly there were to many people but I had fun looking around. The only thing I really want right now is a small shelving unit but I did not find that. Ah well.

I at least enjoyed walking around the store. And listening to my podcast.

Since I was out there I decided to go to taco bell. Where I ordered and waited more then 10 minutes before I asked and they were like oh we weren't paying attention. And made my food. Made me a little sad to be forgotten but the food was good. I ate in the car and then headed home.

When I got back here I ran the dishwasher and made a chart for what each color yarn will be. And chilled with Sweetp for a few minutes. I decided I want to make a bunch of squares with the leftover yarn from this years blanket. So I started working on that. I want to improve my crochet. I know I learned to do it a weird way but I practiced for a few minutes and got my tension better and started making squares. Now I have 7 whole squares done! Amazing. And still so much yarn to use.

I had some cereal and then went to pick James up from work. It was still very foggy. Lots of accidents out there in the world.

And when I got to the museum Stanley was closing the gate!! He told me to come in the exit and I felt like a rule breaker! But I said happy new year to him and waited for James.

We had to close the gate behind us. So James got out and I drove across the street to wait for them.

We went over to the grocery store next. Where I made James double over when I told them I forget to turn the car off sometimes when I get out and we were just laughing and being silly.

We got the few little things we needed. Milk and ice cream for milkshakes, we were going to get ricotta cheese but they were all out! Thankfully we had some at home. We also got sparkling cider to celebrate tonight.

We drove home and I got back in bed to work on my squares. And James laid with me while they edited their podcast. They made manicotti for me and pasta for themselves. We had dinner in bed. And I kept working on my squares.

At 7 James biked in the living room. I took a shower. And once we were both clean James made me a milkshake and we built some Legos together. I love them so much.

Now I am resting in bed while James plays Mario Cart with their friends. It was a really good day. And a really good year. I got to marry the best person I've ever met. I had more opportunities and love and just felt really happy. There were a lot of hard times. But I was happy.

Tomorrow is 2023!!! If it already is for you I hope the future is bright. Goodnight everyone. Until next year!!

[nathank77]

7/10/24

2:15 p.m Edited/Added to Significantly

I slept, but heavy sedation was required. I took a little more than a 1MG cause tbh quitting time can't be 3 a.m or 2 a.m.

This new schedule is fucking great, yea I can't stay up late but I'm getting shit done. I can make 10 a.m appointments. I can be in the house with dinner in my belly after running fucking errands and making phone calls by 1 p.m. It's dysfunctional in one way, eating dinner at 1 p.m and going to bed at 9 p.m but I mean the dinner part is only related to when I take my pills and my caloric deficiency in order to keep a healthy weight.

The 9 p.m thing isn't that dysfunctional. I mean, tbh I want to wake up at 6 a.m... but that's not in the cards right now if I want to go to bed at a semi regular time aka 9 p.m. I close my eyes around 10:30 every night. 9 p.m is when I start my routine. So it's not really dysfunctional.

I had to stop taking the statin drug bc it's causing muscle spasms. So I stopped that today. I'm just going to take coq10 and see if it's good enough. I have a chlorestoral test coming up soon and I've been on coq10 since like March.

I'm pissed about last night. Quitting time really has to be around 1 a.m. I'm not going backwards. Circadian rhythm issues will never be a fucking problem for me again. I'm making milestones in terms of getting shit done waking up at 8 a.m. I feel more functional and less isolated despite being just as isolated bc I'm awake at the same time as the rest of the world instead of sleeping all day long.

I'm worried about the spasms but they should stop within 3 months. He offered other things like injections, I got to consider side effects and I just want to consider that maybe coq10 can work. Research suggests it can... it isn't causing side effects... so instead of throwing another drug into the mix I'd rather wait. My leg has had several muscle spasms today... but it should stop now that I've stopped the drug as of today.

My heart monitor left a mark after it came off in the shower. It's since gone away so I'm going to reattach it... it won't be a continuous feed unfortunately but it'll still pick up a decent amount of data for the next month if I can wear it at least 10 hours a day. Unless I get rashy...

I'm going to meet the new therapist today but I dont really want to. I just want to cancel. In 1-30 days I'll get the, "it's not a good fit" speil and then I'll feel like I did yesterday, traumatized.

Maybe I shouldn't be open anymore. I really wear my heart on my sleeve and it bites me in the ass when the new therapist gives up on me... problem with this is- if I am more withholding, then once I start to open up in 2 months let's say-they may leave me then instead of 2 weeks in.

I'm truly giving up on therapy. I technically have a therapist I can start with in August but she will leave me too. Who knows if I'll even be alive in August anyways.

If sleep problems persist. I'm commiting suicide hands down. I'm not going to meet the therapist in August. The one I'm meeting with today is the last chance before it becomes just Mike once a week reporting that I still have ocd and psychosis.

It'll just be a checklist kind of thing. Make sure I stay on disability since I can't work bc I'm mentally ill. And I can save myself from the trauma of being seen as a lost cause....

I'm going to look at this new therapist as a bot collecting a paycheck. So when she leaves me hopefully I won't have much of a trauma response. I'm a paycheck. She's a bot performing a task. She will leave me and then I'll just stay with mike.

Tbh having therapy 3 days a week is really important for my mental health but at the same time it fills my schedule making it hard to plan something like grocery shopping or do this task that requires driving out of town...

So it'll free up my schedule and save me from more trauma. She's a bot collecting her paycheck. She doesn't have a name. She's not a human.

I'm not human to these people I'm a paycheck. So she's an automated bot performing a task. You can't hurt me as badly if I strip you of your humanity.

I should have known when Sarah the automated bot was talking about Prime House and Western as resources that she was actually setting the stage to send the, "it's not a good fit," spiel.

It's whatever though. They aren't people, they are just automated bots performing a task for a paycheck. And you can't hurt me if I look at you that way. New therapist is named automated bot. She has no name. She has no identity. She's performing a task. She's unable to traumatize me when she leaves me if I don't see her as human.

99.99% of therapists are bots performing a task for a paycheck that couldn't care If you live or die and I'm done with providing money to these bots when they don't care and I'm done letting them hurt me.

What's important is keeping my disability status and remembering that 99.99% of people are SHIT and that's why I should avoid them at all costs. Everyone leaves. Everyone. EVERYONE. And 99.99% of people don't deserve to know me and I'm going to hide away from the world bc it keeps me safe. You can't leave me if I don't meet you.

[jeoseungsaja]

"Word of advice, boss!! Take a break or even a nap because if i see you in here in the next three hours, I'll fold all of your paperwork into frogs and it will take you fifteen minutes to unfold them. Each." ( from suki to hyuk in verse two 🥲 - you sure you wanna test her, hyuk JFKLSJDLFKJ )

@kamipyre ♚ from x.

♔ ———–

   Here it goes again. They won’t give up, will they? Suki and Jae-Hwan. It doesn’t matter how many times he attempts to block them with his bitter mouth and disgruntled teeth, these two keep coming his way like unafraid birds sitting on the arms of the saddest and ugliest scarecrow. Inspector Im with their bright smile that almost looks odd in comparison to the office’s gloom; with plastic bags full of food and the need to replace folders tucked in Hyuk’s hands for chopsticks. And then there’s her, Forensic Scientist Nakamura, intrepidity dressed in pink; with hands that could turn all of these written, overwhelming stories in a parade of figurines and an attitude which could be translated into pure dynamite if allowed. Her way of caring is a tad bit harsher than Jae-Hwan’s. 

   She doesn’t ask --- she knows asking nicely won’t work in this case.    She doesn’t have time for nonsense.     She sets rules and lists the consequences of not abiding to said rules.     The biggest consequence of them all being her origami skills used as a weapon. 

    He remembers something like this. Vaguely. His mind sometimes struggles, as if fragmented due to being rammed into a pool of distress more than a few times. But he remembers, back when he worked in the LAPD and he met her, Suki Nakamura, a clever investigator who decided to leave the States to bring her talent to this dingy office that Hyuk can barely cover with his savings. He remembers that she also said things like these, similar things...and he preferred to abide to them than having paper animals scattered all over his desk. 

   But right now, you could drown him in paper frogs, pigeons, ducks...and he’d refuse to move from his seat until finding what he’s looking for. Can’t she see that this is important? No, no...he hasn’t told anyone. He hasn’t expressed why it’s so important to go back to the files that have any information concerning Patrick’s watch. He hasn’t confessed that he saw a very similar one falling from the Black Knight’s pocket. 

    He hasn’t said anything about the map, either.      The one resting in one of his hands; a pencil on the other.      He’s been circling and drawing dots around certain zones.      Zones within Itaewon. 

  “I asked about the possible effects of fire on a watch or similar items, not advice, Nakamura.”

    His edges have turned harder; his demeanor tense and exhausted. She’s more than observant, of course. And it’s noticeable, isn’t it? The bags under his eyes; the rigid lines etched onto his face. She’s right, very right: the detective does need a break; does need to rest. He’s been needing a breather for years...but it’s not something he allows himself to have, less when he knows he has things to do. 

    Lee Hyuk always has things to do.      The truth requires a full-time position. 

     It also seems everyone keeps giving him advice he deems unnecessary.      Suki. Jae-Hwan. The Black Knight.

   “I already slept last night.” 

    And by sleeping last night, he means the 10-ish minutes where he fell asleep without knowing, right on his desk. What woke him up was the sound of something scratching the floor. He’s not sure if he imagined it, because nothing was there when he woke up. Then again, the slightest of sounds tend to stir him, so who knows. Maybe it was his own shoe. 

   “I’ll be here for as long as it takes. Origami Zoo or not---” 

    Or.      Hyuk looks back at the map, traces a line there.      From the office’s location to a place within Itaewon.      Maybe he should start there.      At least, he vaguely remembers being there that day.      He just hopes his mind isn’t betraying him.     What’s real and what isn’t anymore?

    He stands up from his seat, folds and tucks the map within the pocket inside his jacket. Hyuk turns to look at Suki. 

    “Fine. I’ll take a break. Just because I remembered how much I hate unfolding those things.”

     A lie, a faux statement that he distracts by using his index finger to point at a sparkly headband sitting on his desk. He took it out of his hair this morning (he won’t admit it helped by taking away strands of hair that sometimes block his vision). 

    “I told you to stop tying my hair with that.”

    Hand drops to his side and he starts moving, toward the door.     Toward some exploration around Itaewon. 

    “I’ll...return later.” 

———– ♔    

[figs-and-cigs]

So I started talking to this guy, we hit things off pretty well, went on a couple dates. It became very clear that he was pretty infatuated with me. He began asking about a relationship, labels, a kink dynamic. I mostly shrugged on the red flags: "sure I'd like and am interested in those things - we'll see how it goes!"

So my entire household got sick, kiddo, spouse, myself. My chronic fatigue kicked in and I wasn't interacting with anyone. I'm very honest about my health issues whenever I start taking to people. I go through phases of intense self care/isolation. I have mental and physical health issues, but I manage them. I get sick or have chronic pain/fatigue flares often. "If you don't hear from me, I'm usually fine, busy, sleeping."

But, very often, when people (who don't know me very well) don't hear from me for a bit they seem to jump to 2 conclusions.

I'm dying or at least suffering greatly!

OMG I must hate you and don't want anything to do with you!

Neither of which are ever really true - and if they are I'll say something (I know how to ask for help, and I know how to communicate if our relationship isn't working.)

So this guy I'd been talking to didn't hear from me for a day - because I was sick and slept all day. He sent tons of messages (1. accurately assuming I was "suffering".) I responded as I could and moved on with my life (parenting, being sick with a sick spouse).

Eventually we were feeling better and I went to a Polyam friends' for game night. Well Mr. Guy called, I didn't answer (because I was kicking butt at Quelf), and he sent messages about how worried he was because he hadn't heard from me, for a day...

Anyways after another 2 weeks of me literally just living my life (parenting, self care, my support groups, therapy, cfs day, projects, time with spouse, social engagements) and being bombarded by texts about how worried he was about my being sick all the time (1), or how worried he was that I lost interest in him (2). (Note: I wasn't ignoring him, just not able to have hour long conversations with him every damn day!)

I finally spoke up, eventually ending in this message:

"I really wanted to explore this, but it seems really apparent to me that while a lot of our interests are aligned you're wanting and hoping for a lot more than I can offer - and the timeframe of things aren't aligning well, and my health issues and inability to be more involved in your life is causing you immense distress. It doesn't feel right for me to continue this."

He offered to change (yikes!) insisted he wanted to understand and "navigate this with me" (I don't come with a manual!) There were other red flags I didn't mention, but I'm glad I kept my boundaries and handled this pretty gracefully.

Did I mention I'd only talked to this guy for 2 months, went on 2 dates, didn't establish any type of dynamic? He's also married and been Polyam for 10 years? Also during those 2 months he had 3 other partners breaks up with him... (my understanding is these relationships weren't very long either...)

I hope he talks to his therapist and sorts his stuff out. Trying not to be judgey mcjudgerson but damn dude....

Meanwhile, this isn't my first rodeo and I'm kind of frustratingly wondering -

Do I need to find a better way to clarify my disabilities, my schedules, the way I communicate to new people? It hasn't seemed to be an issue for most of my relationships - but their communication style seem to align with mine (i.e. we don't need to talk every day.) My conclusion is NO, I can't control when people take it personally or become worried about me - and I can only use so many spoons to continually validate and reassure them that 1. I'm ok. I manage my health issues. 2. It's not about them.

WTF is it about "Polam" Cishet MEN wanting to jump into a relationship/dynamic within the first month of talking!?!? This isn't the first time, and I'm sure I won't be the last. (I'm reminded of the man, who on our first date, tried to link our Google calendars together! Ughhh. NO!) I've not had this problem with non Cishet Men - (and not with the Cishet Men I currently have relationships with lol). But even monogamous people date for a while before starting a relationship, right? RIGHT?

[mr-smith-wesson]

7 pm

"She's finally asleep, I don't know why she's been fighting sleep so much. Maybe a sleep regression." Sam joined Dean in the kitchen helping him out away the dishes.

"You've been reading that book again haven't you? Babies are all different. You gave me hell some nights, you had to be on my chest, the moment I moved you off you woke up. We just have to figure out what's Marie's thing."

8:36 pm

*Baby crying*

"I'll get her, just keep watching your show." Sam got up from the couch, putting his book away.

"You sure? I can get her Sam, you put her to sleep the first time." Dean was always wanting to help out with Marie and Sam was grateful for it but he was determined to be able to handle this as much as he could on his own.

"Yeah it's not a big deal." Sam went to the nursery the brothers decorated for their newly adopted daughter. The adoption agency had tried telling the brothers that a 6 month old was probably too much for them and that an older child would be better. They took one look at her and fell in love.

"Shhh baby girl it's ok" Sam gently rocked her back and forth, humming for her as her little eyes closed shut again. He looked up to see Dean in the doorway.

"You're a natural at this." Dean smiled fondly at the pair.

9:45pm

"Get some sleep Sam, I got her this time." Dean pulled himself from the bed, padding softly to Marie's room. Sam could hear Dean softly talking to her on the baby monitor. It hurt Sam how quickly she fell back asleep with Dean but he has to remind himself that Dean has had more experience with kids.

"She's already asleep?" Sam was trying to hide the sadness is his voice.

"Yeah and before you think she doesn't like you it's not that. Babies are weird man. Now scoot over and let's get some sleep." Dean placed a kiss on the side of Sam's head. "G'night Sammy"

10:20

"I got her, you got work in the morning." Sam slid out of bed making his way to her room. "Sweetie, what's going on now?" Same checked, she wasn't wet, didn't want a bottle. Sam couldn't figure out what it was. He sat in the rocking chair with her rocking back and forth, singing to her until she fell back asleep.

Midnight.

"Sleep dean. I got her." Sam swore he just came back to bed, he ended staying up with Marie in the rocking chair for about an hour to make sure she was really asleep.

"I'll just bring her in here with us Sammy, the nursery is probably a little too much for her right now. She's only 8 months." Dean got out of bed, bringing Marie to their bed and setting up the mini crib. "See that way if she wakes up she's right next to us."

1:30

Sam was used to the crying at this point, he was good at running on no sleep but sleep deprivation from a baby was a whole new level of exhaustion.

"Shhh you're gonna wake up your daddy de, it's ok honey." Sam walked back to the bed with Marie in his arms. He figured one night of co-sleeping wouldn't hurt them.

Dean woke up at 5 am to get ready for work, he turned his head to see Marie in-between him and Sam. She was clinging onto Dean's shirt.

7pm

"Hey Sammy try giving her this tonight instead." Dean handed Sam one of his flannels.

"Your shirt? Why?" Sam looked up at Dean in confusion.

"Just trust me." Dean had a feeling that was going to help her sleep through the night.

9pm

"She hasn't woken up, what if something's wrong?" Sam was about to get out of bed to go check on her.

"She's fine Sammy, look we can see her on the monitor. She's sound asleep." Dean handed the baby monitor to Sam, which clearly showed their baby girl sound asleep wrapped up in Dean's shirt.

"I don't get it. I'm doing the same bedtime routine with her, I'm doing everything by the book, I even took the parenting classes at the hospital and I still don't know what I'm doing." Sam was trying hard to fight back the tears.

"Sammy, hey look at me baby." Dean gently grabbed Sam's face, you are the best parent ever, you're an amazing brother and you're so good with her. But I've been saying, kids are weird. The shirt smells like me so she's relaxed, she slept in between both of us last night and she felt safe. I guarantee you that if you gave her something of yours for her crib, she'll keep sleeping through the night."

"You really think so?" Sam sniffled.

"It worked with you. Up until you were like 3 you slept on my chest or with one of my shirts. Tomorrow we'll give her one of your shirts and you'll see."

7pm

"Ok, little miss has been bathed, fed, changed, swaddled into one of your gargantuan shirts and is already out like a light." Dean joined Sam on the porch, the cool fall breeze blowing gently around them.

"What if she wakes up because it's not your shirt" Sam hated feeling like this but he knew Dean knew best.

"She's gonna sleep, trust me Sammy."

6am

"Hey sweet girl, you slept the whole night oh my goodness." Sam gently picked her up out of her crib. Dean was right. Their shirts helped her stay asleep. Later that day during Marie's playtime, Sam set to work sewing together 2 of their old shirts into a blanket for her. Marie never gave them a hard time of sleeping through the night again….at least until the terrible 2's started up but that's a different story.

~~~End~~~

😭😭😭 GOD. sam feeling like a bad parent I’m heartbroken :( !! they love their kid so much. I wish to live in this world you created. sam and dean raising a little girl is so !!! I’m squealing god this is an absolute mood booster for me. I’d literally read 50 chapters on this and I MEAN it. Anon you are the best 😚😚