#i sleep like 11hrs every night

[blackvail22]

9/22/23 — 1:20am

i hate wanting to be productive in the middle of the night. i was tired all day tdy, and now i just want to do something productive. no!!! i work earlier than usual tomorrow!!!!

im doing my skincare now... i wore makeup tdy so i have no choice but to do it 🤯

im tired still but i dont want to sleep. i feel like i havent been productive enough tdy even though i went to 3 different appointments and within the 2 hours before work i cleaned my bathroom sink (that was incredibly disgusting, i am not exaggerating. no one has cleaned it in like a little over a year. my dad shaves his face there whenever it gets like 5 inches long and doesnt clean the hair out of the sink/on the counter. its gross.), made ramen (it wasnt v good).... at work i walked around almost the whole 6 hours. my feet hurt so!! bad!! after i work. it happens every time. it doesnt help that when i fell down my stairs, my "sprained" foot didnt heal properly. i also hurt my hand at work and have not seen a doctor .... im ngl im like a mess and if i tell anyone abt this theyll tell me its because im fat and need to lose weight WE GET IT. I KNOW. IM TRYING, AND JUST BECAUSE I AM DOESNT MEAN THAT I CANT HAVE SMTH WRONG WITH ME?????

anyways

im tired. like mentally and physically. i had counseling tdy and i told her everything and the time still wasnt full. she shared some things abt her life recently... still didnt fill the time. she didnt respond much at all, but she's grieving, so i understand

im not telling anyone except u and my digital diary about my situation with my ex... i need to stop complaining to people abt him and making it everyones problem when its really my fault i keep letting him back in my life. its bad! ive literally had dreams where he did that *thing* but like in an extremely worse way, and i told myself that i just had to live with it, that i have to get used to it. and, i mean, i guess i do... if i can *** ***** then he can do whatever.

im not even with him... just flirting heavily. he picks up on it, i think so, anyway....

im tired

i saw that u updated ur music playlist you sent to me recently ! so heres a song for u in return

2:51am

idk why it pisses me off so bad but when b says shes ugly it makes me so angry. "why cant i be like the pretty girls?" she is the definition of a pretty girl... she may not see it because people were mean to her growing up but its like... ive cried SO much because of how pretty she is. my parents call her the pretty girl, people at school say shes pretty all the time... it just makes me so upset that someone as pretty as her cant see it. and i wish she could, honestly.

and i hate that this makes me so angry. i have so much envy that it rips me apart every second of the day, and i hate it!!!!! im the fat, ugly friend, and i always felt bad for her being friends with me. she says that im one of the prettiest ppl she knows.... if that were true, would she have deleted all the photos of me off of her phone? who knows. and the fact that people compliment her all the time at school and in public should say A LOT about how pretty she is. it happens all the time! and i mean all the time. maybe she doesnt think it was genuine or she forgets? idk... i think the last time a stranger complimented my appearance was a year and a half ago at a taco bell drive thru. the last time i was called pretty (besides when my mom says it) was at leastt 6 months ago. im like distraught because she is literally so beautiful fuck

this is going to make me cry myself to sleep because i cant say any of this to her because this is really just unhealthy of me, like the envy and making me seem like the victim. it just makes me so upset that everyone thinks shes pretty but herself

yeah im def crying myself to sleep gn i work in 11hrs which sounds like a long time from now but i havent slept yet lol

3:16am

ok i lied i messaged her and said "i saw you commented "i wish i was one of the pretty girls" on a tiktok, and i really need you to know that you are the pretty girl. youre so incredibly beautiful not only on the outside but the inside too... it can be rare to find someone like that. i hope youre able to see yourself through my eyes someday and see yourself for what you truly are—beautiful"

i hope it doesnt come off weird

ok i cried and messaged her i should rlly just sleep now

[healinglilia]

seriously talking i'm like the worst when it comes to maintaining a regular sleeping pattern

[mangomochi-yn]

[08:36] bonus to this

“I told you, Tsumu! I had an 11hr flight before that 4hr one I met you in— that’s why I was so geared up!”

It was an early Sunday morning— one of Atsumu’s rare days off. And surprisingly, the both of you were already wide awake (albeit still tangled in his sheets)— giggling about your first encounter 6 months ago.

“I know, babe! It’s just you were so bundled up like a little baby! And when ya told me to ‘wake you when the food’s ready’? An absolute toddler I tell ya.”

His voice was doused in teasing mockery, but you knew better. Ever since Hinata told you about how he was so fragile with the napkin you gave him with your number— you knew Atsumu wasn’t just completely goading you, he really was enamored and you knew it.

“Oh, shut up. As if you didn’t blush and malfunction when all I did was say ‘thank you’.” You snap back at him, but as much as he wasn’t being completely honest, you knew you weren’t too.

You remember how it took everything in you to not have your eyes pop out of their sockets when you found out The Miya Atsumu was sitting next to you on the plane that day.

Only then did you swallow down your excessive excitement when you saw him snore loudly in his sleep. It made you giggle at the thought— he was human too after all.

And all this you low-key regret admitting to him that one night you went to his place hammered as a nail— blabbing all about how hard you were fangirling in the inside that day, but really it was as if a weight lifted off your shoulders when you finally told him.

But honestly— at that point, you both could practically read each other’s minds already, from the studied tones in your voices to the familiarized expressions that convey every now and then. Atsumu knew you and you knew him, simple as that really.

“Yeah, and as if ya weren’t dying to ask for my autograph when ya saw me.” His laughter was a bit more died down now, yours was too, ultimately letting the birds’ singing outside seep into the room— filling it with a soft shade of plain effortless love.

“Hmm, we really did fool each other then didn’t we?” You say in the same soft tone you used as you first spoke to him— feeling his smile widen at that fact as you kiss his cheek, hand pressed to his chest right above where his heart was beating loud and steady.

“Yeah, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, darling.”

[4yug]

anyone else feel like theyre ᵘʰʰʰʰ going insane

[thatgirlonstage]

Podcast Challenge 7/9/18

Bolded means I listened to an episode today. Strikethrough means I’m all caught up and waiting for the next episode, or the podcast is complete!

The Adventure Zone | Alice Isn’t Dead | The Bright Sessions | Bubble | Can I Pet Your Dog? | Conversations with People Who Hate Me | Critical Role | Ear Hustle | The Flop House | It Makes a Sound | The McElroy Brothers Will Be in Trolls 2 | My Brother, My Brother, and Me | My Dad Wrote a P*rno | The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air | Sawbones | Shmanners | The Thrilling Adventure Hour | Welcome to Night Vale | Within the Wires | Wonderful!

Podcast: The Adventure Zone

Episode: Amnesty - Episode 15

Time: 1hr 6 min, 110% of goal

Commentary:

I’M SO FUCKING READY FOR BEACON FUCKING UP DUCK’S LIFE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS

Podcast: The Flop House

Episode: #54 - Gamer

Time: 53 min, 88% of goal

Commentary:

So... Ready Player One with Gerard Butler?

Podcast: It Makes a Sound

Episode: S1E5: Press Play

Time: 22 min, 37% of goal

Commentary:

That episode dragged on WAY too long. We knew she wasn’t going to be able to play the tape for God’s sake, the buildup just got annoying eventually

Episode: S1E6: For Whom the Bell Trolls

Time: 29 min, 48% of goal

Commentary:

I feel bad for Rod lmao, he’s just trying to do his job and take care of some old senile lady

Episode: S1E7: An Automatic Spark

Time: 29 min, 48% of goal

Commentary:

I’m slightly concerned about Tricia Elwood’s parenting that she lets Cody hang out with these people and thinks that Deirdre is like. A reliable adult who can be responsible for looking after her child.

Also, okay, so Deirdre DID record the tape. Which I had assumed was the case. But were we actually supposed to know that? Because when the podcast first started she made it sound like it didn’t belong to her.

Episode: S1E8: The Clubhouse

Time: 30 min, 50% of goal

Commentary:

Was... was it the 8th grade graduation, or a birthday party?

Okay, the Ophelia madness parallels to the mother’s dementia become a little heavy handed

Episode: S1E9: rememberwimfaros

Time: 33 min, 55% of goal

Commentary: 

The cop’s voice is the evil lady from Alice Isn’t Dead so THAT was a visceral reaction of “oh my god bad news bad news”. Like I think she’s really just doing her job and she seems like she’s supposed to be a decent person in this show but that is... not the reaction I have to her voice

Passingly interesting story - I’m really not a fan of any of the characters though. In fact I actively dislike most of them when they’re not singing, lol. I’ll probably stick around for season 2 to see where it goes, though

Podcast: My Brother, My Brother, and Me

Episode: 171: The Sweetin Furnace

Time: 46 min, 77% of goal

Commentary:

And I and all of my Belgian friends crack up because America is adorable in its panic over the government shutdown

What is it about Justin that can make sentences like “What are babies’ vulnerabilities?” so fucking hilarious?

Episode: 172: Juggalo Church Camp

Time: 51 min, 85% of goal

Commentary:

I can’t sleep and it’s 3:30AM and this episode is calling me out over it

Podcast: My Dad Wrote a P*rno

Episode: Footnotes: Belinda’s CV

Time: 17 min, 28% of goal

Commentary:

Does Rocky know what typhoid means you can’t type the word typhoid that many times without finding out what it is I’m so distressed why did Belinda work for a company named after a deadly disease

Episode: S3E7 - ‘The Chocolate Fountain’

Time: 41 min, 68% of goal

Commentary:

I really really don’t know how I feel about the fact that we’re in Belgium now. Also, why are we in Belgium now???

Episode: Footnotes: Aphrodisiacs

Time: 15 min, 25% of goal

Commentary:

Does this have something to do with why we all crave chocolate on our periods???

Episode: S3E8 - ‘A F*cking Good Time’

Time: 36 min, 60% of goal

Commentary:

Is it just me or are these books somehow getting progressively more and more disjointed. How did we get here, why did we get here, who is Alfonse and what is happening, has Belinda taken birth control lately

Episode: Footnotes: Sex Parties

Time: 17 min, 28% of goal

Commentary:

This woman just walked straight out of a smutty fanfic, to an unbelievable degree. I... didn’t realize there were legit non-scammy things like this in real life, really

Episode: S3E9 - ‘Yorkshire’

Time: 37 min, 62% of goal

Commentary:

Alice was just coming to pieces this entire episode

The briefcase is the real protagonist of Belinda Blinked

Podcast: The Thrilling Adventure Hour

Episode: #101: Beyond Belief, “Forged in Flame”

Time: 20 min, 33% of goal

Commentary:

I can’t believe WTNV stole its Satan puppy plot from Frank and Sadie’s mistaken assumption in this episode

Episode: #102: Behind the scenes of TAH

Time: 1hr 18 min, 130% of goal

Commentary:

HA! Vindication! Colonel Tick-Tock really is getting gayer every episode, it’s not just me.

Podcast: Welcome to Night Vale

Episode: 17 - Valentine

Time: 25 min, 42% of goal

Commentary:

The first time I listened to this podcast we had the phone call episode and then I saw the next episode was called Valentine and I nearly had a gay heart attack. Should’ve known it wouldn’t be nearly that straightforward (of course it would be straightforward, lmao)

See my full review of the episode here!

Episode: 18 – The Traveler

Time: 25 min, 42% of goal

Commentary:

I’m not going to lie, I have absolutely no memory of this episode whatsoever

See my full review of the episode here!

Total Listening: 11hr 10 min, 1117% of goal

[itistoearly]

Ok! When I was a kid I would complain so much about school and homework and adults always told me, "when you have a job and responsibilities you'll realize how easy you had it as a kid and how small and easy and insignificant this is." Except I became an adult, got a job. And I still feel fucking bad for kids. Like I'm sorry, my job is really fucking stressful and I have to deal with idiots and assholes giving me shit. But like

1. I get fucking payed to do this? Like kids work and don't get payed at all

2. I get a 40hr work week and again get payed to do those 40hrs because if I wasn't it would be considered inhumane for a person to do 40hrs of really stressful work and not get payed anything. Except kids work even more then I do and get payed literally nothing. Like kids go to school from 7am-3pm at least where I'm from. That's 8hrs for 5 days aka 40hrs except they also get homework, the average kid gets around 3hrs of homework a day (sometimes more.) So that's no longer 8hrs a day which an adult is expected to work but 11hrs a day, making for 55hr work weeks!!

3. I'm an adult! Like why do people not understand this. "Oh well as an adult I have to go through stresses and and responsibilities and shit too!" Well yea you are a full grown fucking adult. Don't compare what you have to go through to a literal child of like 12!! Why does the 12 year old need to be as stressed out as you?? They're 12!

4. Children have to wake up at fucking 5 in the morning every day. At least I did. My classes started at 7:00 but the buses would pick us up at around 6:30 and I would have to wake up at 5:30 to get ready. That's insane! I still sometimes have to wake up at 5am for work but I get payed for it, it's not every single day, like some days I'll close or open or work midshifts, I'm a fucking adult not a growing developing child, and I don't get home to do homework and study which keeps me up for hours.

5. I get home and I'm done. That's it. Time to do what I want. Kids get home and fucking do more work?? Bullshit.

6. Adults are allowed to be tired and frustrated but kids aren't for some reason. I've seen so many time kids will be visibly tired or frustrated or upset probably because they've got a shit ton of responsibility, deal with assholes for 8hrs a day, wake up hella early and stayed up all night doing homework or studying, and then everyone gets mad at them. Like fuck you guys. Let the child take a nap. I was always so angry all the time as a kid and that immidetely went away when I graduated. Because I was no longer a sleep deprived kid who was yelled at 24/7 and feeling like a moron all the time.

So yea fuck people who give shit to kids/teens or say they have it easy.

My teenager has more hours of homework per night than I got in my entire university career, and it doesn’t teach them a goddamn thing besides how to hate themself for not being able to do it all.

If my wife isn’t expected to labor outside her designated work hours at her literal job, why is my teenager expected to labor outside theirs?

[mrsavis-blog]

Here we are again..

My brain is fried and I’m tired but not sleepy.. Like I just need to lay flat for a couple of hrs without mentally processing a d@mn thing.

I’ve literally been filling out applications since my last post.... sooo about roughly 10-11hrs straight.

Let me tell you what, job hunting is TEDIOUS and exhausting!! It is a full out job itself if you’re actually cross-referencing multiply hir sites and salary reports. “Ain’t nobody got time to end up at a suck @ss​ broke job”

I’ve personally been focusing on gigs that pay around $ 28-40k, gotta be sure I can pay these bills and get rid of this debt.

I got a couple of phone calls today about owing some company, and another one was soo BOLD enough to send someone to our home AROUND 9 PM!!

Mind you the company that came to our residence was trying to get our business back from a canceled subscription.

*Deep sigh* ... “UUuugghhh”...

Let’s just leave that topic right there, I’m not a fan about talking about my debt. But it is super relieving to get it out; the only other person I can talk to is the one I’m in it with. * Kanye shrug*

So moving right along... Am I the only one who gets so mentally drained from the mundane tasks of daily responsibilities, that by night time your brain switches off. I’m like a few neuron cells short from walking into walls at this stage.

BUT!!! I am super excited that I’ll be able to blow my stress away tomorrow night! It’s cheap drinks night at a local bar, and my brother is coming down to catch up on basically half a yr’s worth of celebrations he’s missed.

Okay, that gif is a little intense but it fits perfectly lol..

So I don’t know if it’s due to hormones or just the constant stress I’ve been living in.. But today I had a Visual Migrain... That sh!t was not in the least bit okie doke... In fact, it was very much the opposite and left me feeling like WTF!?

I was filling out an application (obviously) and then out of nowhere w/o warning, this bright @ass geometric shaped dot was in my dead center vision... It slowly grew and developed into more of a crescent moon with even more vivid super-bright @ss colors with geometric shapes... I looked it up as the average person with Wifi access... Turns out this sh!t happens...

This is very close to sort of how it looked but without all the different shapes and rapid movements, I could still see passed it but not very well.

OH and if that wasn’t a concern enough.. my right knee has been f#cking with off & on about a week now.. I swear you have a kid and then your body starts to fall apart. It’s morbidly disturbing and NO I haven’t come to terms with any of this aging sh!t yet. I’m still not even at peace with my new body...

I’ve already told my partner that when I finish having kids I’m getting a mommy makeover (basically tummy tuck & breast lift) and having my nipples pierced to reclaim my tits. Might even get something much lower pierced as well but I doubt it lol.

I did, however, get my nose & tongue pierced after having my dragon (that’s how I see my baby, the kid can totally blow fire & fly).

Honestly, I just have to stick to my schedule.. I have every hr planned out.. But when sh!t got real all I could do & focus on is this job search bullsh!t.

At this point, I just see it like a bandaid just rip the sh!t off. I’m soo ready to skip the applying, hiring, training, adjusting process.. Someone wake me up with 3 months pay so I can get back to other sh!t that matters.

This is another issue of mines I get completely tunnel vision on a certain task, I can lose hrs-months focusing on one thing. But I’ve been told it can be a gift if I learn how to hone it. Eh I suppose... hopefully someday soon.

At this point, I’m just manifesting a high paying, medium to low demanding, a relatively easy-going job for myself.

I can’t even stop talking about it... UGh, and if I take a break I immediately am just filled with guilt over the whole situation. I barely even eat anymore and this is a bad cycle of mines.

I’ll stress out, stay up night & day working hard & focusing on something, then barely get sleep or eat, and eventually get sick, and then depressed. While through the whole process being bombarded with guilt over everything I do.

This job is more than just a solution to my financial woes & related stressed, it’s going to help my psyche as well. Get me out of a rout and out of this home.. I’ve been tucked away in my home since April.. It’s been extremely maddening.

Whelp I have an early celebratory cold dessert calling my name, and I totally deserve to get my @ss off of this laptop!

If there as to be one the Moral of the sess is: “Sometimes you just have to pound sh!t out. Sit down and do it!”

Eh kinda crummy but did I mention that my brain is mush right now.. It’s a wonder I can even type.

[vestaloflight]

30 Questions

Tagged by the always lovely @beckoningforest thank you so much ;W;

Rules: Answer thirty questions, then tag twenty blogs you would like to know better.

1. Nicknames? I have HAD a crazy amount of nicknames, but mostly everyone just calls me Kristi these days. I still get Fukuchou from a certain cacti, and Deer but that’s usually in a “dear” sort of way. Still it’s cute and I’m keeping it.

2. Gender? Female

3. Star sign? Cancer

4. Height? 5'7

5. Time? 3:10 am (whoops)

6. Birthday? June 27

7. Favorite bands? Okay well way too many, and some I don’t listen to regularly but did in the past, so lets just go with stuff I am currently listening to:  Lana Del Rey, Imagine Dragons, Halsey, Oh Be Clever

8. Favorite solo artists? Hmm I guess pretty much most of the above are solo artists.. XD

9. Song stuck in my head? Okay so, I don’t have anything stuck in my head right now, but let me tell you. All day yesterday I had the Rugrats theme in my head, mixed with a little bit of Elmo’s World intro

10. Last movie watched? I sat down and tried to watch some scary movies recently, but ultimately got bored or hated their premise, so I’m gonna say Wonder Woman was the last movie I watched start to finish and paid Intense Attention to (I can not wait for it to come out on DVD)

11. Last show watched? I restarted watching American Horror Story last night idk why I keep rewatching this show (not to say it isn’t good, but not really something I’d say is So Good you rewatch it 5 times)

12. When did I create my blog I have absolutely no idea. Probably,,,, 2011? I have no concept of time.

13. What do I post? Mostly nature/aesthetic is in my queue, sometimes video games and anime, with a nice sprinkling of shitposts when I’m actively blogging. 

14. Last thing I googled? “boom boom sauce recipe” - I made burgers and put this on it and it turned out really good =w= v

15. Do you have other blogs? Yes, like, a billion (okay, not as many as Some People.... side eyes a certain someone.... you know who you are....) but the only blogs I am particularly active on are this one and my FFXIV blog. Other blogs I have are my art blog, various character aesthetic, I have a sort of multimuse writing blog, but other than that it’s pretty much just OTP/character aesthetic blogs. 

16. Do you get asks Nope! I did get one the other day and that was super nice, but otherwise, I have a couple people I talk to in messages (looks @ the lovely lady who tagged me for this very thing) but I don’t get asks.

17. Why did you choose your url? I was very into Bravely Default at the time, and it’s a sort of take on that. And I feel very close to light/the elements. 

18. Following? 289

19. Followers? 456 (this number fluctuates up and down a couple people like every day lmao..)

20. Favorite colours? Greens, purples, soft pastels, and deep dark colors.

21. Average hours of sleep? Uuuusually about 7 - 8 when my meds are doing their job, but lately my sleep has been less restful and usually more like 6 or like... 11hrs lmao... I have a lot of issues with sleep.

22. Lucky number? 15

23. Instruments? Well, if this is about what I can play, most anything you put in my hands I’ll be able to play, but things I actively learned to play are just the clarinet and bass clarinet. I took guitar lessons for a little while but I have uhm... like a genetic... deformation??? IDK IT’S VERY SLIGHT and my mom has it, but my hands are kind of small, and my pinky fingers are like, missing a joint... so they’re really small... and I can’t quite play a guitar or piano right because of it. ;;

24. What am I wearing?  My work clothes sobs... Jeans, and my work logo shirt.

25. How many blankets I sleep with? A sheet and a blanket - sometimes I add on a throw blanket depending on the season.

26. Dream job? Okay I have a lot of dream jobs really... a big part of me would just like to marry rich and be able to study and travel and do everything I’d ever wanted haha... but another big part of me would love to be a scientist, working with the environment, specifically in green tech and geological studies. A slightly smaller portion of me wants to work on and with video games, but I don’t even know where to begin with that, so that’s like... an “I wouldn’t even know where to begin dream”, I’m at least already partway into an enviro bio degree, but I don’t have the money to continue school.

27. Dream trip? I’ve always really wanted to see Paris, and Europe, but really just.. everywhere. I’d love to go everywhere. There’s so much out there I’ll never experience, and things we learn from our own homes, in our own cultures, vary so much from what is really real. 

28. Favorite food? Oh boy okay well I love food. I love trying new things. But some of my favorite things are definitely fresh hibachi, grilled meats and veggies, and then PASTA... gosh I love pasta... so versatile... hhhh

29. Nationality? Well, just white I guess? My dad is adopted, my mom may have a small fraction Native American in her, but nothing we’ve ever investigated or put to practice. My dad doesn’t Look White, but I have no idea I mean he was born in MI, so.. Big Shrug

30. Favorite song now? I am so super groovin’ on White Mustang by Lana Del Rey right now.

And I tag @ everyone who wants to.... cuz... CUZ I CAN’T BE LEFT WITH SUCH A DECISION, I JUST WON’T DO IT OKAY, CUZ GOODNESS KNOWS I’LL LEAVE SOMEONE OFF AND THEY WILL FEEL BAD and I can’t have that weight on my shoulders.