#i sleep less than i should during the week bc i gotta get shit done

[notdrifting]

pls be patient with me today guys, i’m mad as hell with some irl stuff my roomates are doing and i’m physically too angry to think straight now, i’ll try and work on some stuff but no promisses bc holy shit i’m so angry rn

[dameronology]

home {poe dameron x reader}

summary: poe made a promise to always come home, and it’s one he’s determined to keep

warnings: swearing, mentions of injuries 

more hurt/comfort fluff?? i almost sent myself off to sleep writing this bc of the ending and bc i am shattered. anyhoo, enjoy!

- jazz

p.s i skimmed this, but it has not been properly proof read haha oops pls bare with me, i will do it in the morning 

It had only been five days. 

You’d been apart from Poe for far longer than that; sometimes weeks, sometimes months. It was just part of being in the Resistance, and something you both knew you had to do, but it didn’t make it any easier. You must have had some pretty foul luck to have met the love of your life during a time in which the galaxy insisted on keeping you apart - but one look at the pilot, and all that faded away. He always made it home to you, no matter what. He’d made that promise to you pretty early in the relationship, and you knew it to be true. You could never doubt Poe. 

The Blue Squadron was due back to base at midday; the mission had been pretty secretive, so the comms lines had been shut most the time. Even after begging Leia to let you man the singular one that connected you to Poe, she’d refused, knowing it would only make things worst. The General only ever spoke from experience, and she had plenty in waiting around for cocky pilots. Whilst Poe was arguably a little less reckless than Han, she knew that you would both act as a distraction to one another’s work. You were equally important to the Resistance, and she couldn’t have you moping about on a commslink for hours a day. The joke was on her for that one, because you still moped, even when you weren’t trying to reach your guy. 

 ‘What time is it?’ You asked Finn. 

‘11.56.’ He glanced over at you, eyebrows raised. ‘So the same time as when you asked thirty seconds ago.’ 

‘I’m just anxious.’ You grumbled. ‘I’ve been so lonely the last five days.’

‘You mean the last five days that you’ve spent with me?’

‘Hey, it’s nothing personal!’ You nudged him in the ribs. ‘You miss him too.’

‘I do.’ Finn nodded. ‘We really are just a pair of simps.’

��Friends who simp together, stay together.’ You grinned. ‘And if me and Poe ever break up, you have first dibs.’

‘Same for you, if Rey and I ever break up-’

‘- that would require you getting together in the first place.’ You reminded him. Finn could only scowl in response. 

‘I’m trying!’ He held his hands up in defense. ‘It’s just complicated.’

‘Nothing’s complicat - they’re here!’ 

You leapt off the crate you’d been sat on, sprinting across the hangar to where a fleet of X-Wings were grouping. Jess came in first, followed by Snap, and then Kare. Poe’s jet was the last to come in, which was unusual for him. He almost always lead the squad - aside from the time he’d managed to blow an engine and had to call you out to tow him back (it’s how you’d met, actually). Bar a few new dents and scratches, his jet looked to be in decent condition, with BB-8 whirring away from where he was perched in the back. You took that to be a good sign, even if he’d been the last to get in. 

A crowd of mechanics reached the fleet before you, tools in hand and ready to repair whatever damage the First Order had thrown at them. You gave Jess a smile and a high five as you passed, but your line of sight was dead set on finding the curly-haired pilot. You had to elbow your way through the crowd, heartbeat picking up as you did. Man, you’d missed him. The last few weeks had been rough for you both and being constantly pulled apart only made it worst. All you wanted to do was to see him, to hug him and-

- You hit Poe with a thud, chests colliding. He immediately wrapped you up in his arms, pulling you tightly against his chest and burying his head against yours. He smelt faintly of jet fuel and smoke, which was fitting. 

His lips were on yours the minute he’d let you go, hands tightly gripping your cheeks as he kissed you with all his might. Yeah, he’d missed you too.

‘Hey, baby.’ You couldn’t help but smile, eyes finally meeting - it didn’t last long though, not when you saw the state of his face. ‘Oh my god. Your eye! And your lip! And-’

‘- I missed you.’ Poe brushed it aside, pressing another exhausted kiss to your lips.   

‘I missed you too.’ You softly sighed. ‘The fuck happened to your face, though?’

‘Just...First Order stuff.’ He bit his lip, brown eyes falling to the floor. 

You sighed. ‘Shit, Poe.’ 

‘I know. He gently nodded. ‘I’m okay though. I’m here with you. That’s the important thing.’

‘You’re right.’ You agreed. ‘C’mon, I’ll take you to medical-’

He cut you off with a groan. ‘Let’s just go back to my room. Please?’ 

‘But your face.’ You gently ghosted a thumb across his bruised cheek, flinching when he shuddered slightly. ‘I mean...I have a first aid kit. I can always take a crack at it.’

‘That sounds a lot nicer than those nurse droids.’ He smiled. 

‘But you have to promise to get checked over tomorrow, okay?’

‘I promise.’

Poe flung his arm across your shoulders, pulling you into his side as you headed out the hangar. His own room was actually in the opposite direction, but he practically lived with you in yours. It always felt so much nicer. You’d managed to make it a lot homier, with photos of the two of you and fairy lights strung up. The scent of your perfume always lingered in the air and sleeping in your bed was the closest he could get to you when you were away on missions. In return, he left his jumpers and hoodies laying around for you to have free reign of. It was a weak form of paying rent, but he hadn’t heard any arguments. 

You could tell that Poe was tired from the way he walked. He usually had a swagger in his step, smiling at everyone who passed. Now, he was leaning on you for support, dark eyes staring dead ahead with exhaustion, his brain working at a thousand miles an hour to process what he’d witnessed over the last few days. You’d been on his mind the entire time.

‘Here we go.’ You gently lead him to the bed, helping him shrug off his charred flight suit. He caught your lips in a chaste kiss as you moved it off his shoulders, hands suddenly grabbing yours. 

‘You know I love you, right?’

‘Of course. I love you too.’ You murmured. ‘Is something up?’

Poe pulled you down onto the bed beside him, eyes finally meeting yours. ‘I just...I got captured on the mission. Very briefly, but still. It was scary, and there was a moment when I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it back.’

‘Poe.’ Your breath caught in your throat. ‘Is that why your face is all...’

‘Like this?’ He chuckled slightly. ‘Yeah. I’m sorry.’

‘Hey, don’t be.’ You squeezed his hands. ‘It’s not your fault, and like you said earlier, the important thing is that you here now.’

‘I know, but I promised you, didn’t I? That I’d always come home?’

‘And you did.’ You pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. ‘Now c’mon, I gotta stitch you up before this scars.’

‘I reckon I’d look hot with a couple battle scars, y’know.’

‘You would, but I’d rather you not bleed out all over my sheets for the sake of vanity.’ You smiled. 

Digging out your first aid kit, you grabbed a few cotton swabs and some bacta spray. You weren’t a nurse, but your medical skills weren’t terrible either. After a few too many injuries and close calls out in the field, you’d learnt the basics. Half of the scars on Poe’s body had been from your handiwork after he’d been injured -- some of them were a little wonky, but he hadn’t died yet, so you figured you’d done a decent job. The ones he’d done for you were much neater but in your defense, he was reckless as fuck and had a ton more experience in dealing with injuries. 

On the bright side, Poe’s torso seemed fine and relatively uninjured. The white shirt he was wearing was only smeared with soot from the blaster fire, and his bare arms were broad and uninjured, save for one scrape on his left bicep. Okay, maybe the broad part wasn’t relevant to the context, but it was definitely relevant on the whole. He did have good arms. You only ever truly felt safe when they were wrapped around you.

‘This might sting a little bit.’ You crouched between his legs, pouring a little bit of bacta spray onto the cotton swab. You gently wiped it across his forehead, doing a double take when he let out a hiss of pain. ‘You okay, baby?’

‘Yeah, I’m good.’ Poe’s eyes met yours, and he gave you a half smile. ‘Better now that you’re here.’

It didn’t take too long to clean up the rest of his cuts and bruises; they were relatively minor given what he’d been through. The last time he’d been caught by the First Order on Jakku, he’d come home ten times worse than this. You’d spent days by his side in the medical room, mostly chiding him for how funny he looked in the bactasuit, but also to offer emotional support. The duality of love. 

You finished up by wrapping a bandage around the cut on his left arm, gently tying it in place with a safety pin. It was enough to keep it clean and safe until tomorrow, when you’d hopefully be able to convince him to see an actual nurse. You knew that for now, he was tired and probably just wanted to rest. His eyes were sunken with tiredness, and his body had become more and more slumped as you’d gone about cleaning him up. Poe never slept well on missions; a mixture of anxiety and your absence always made for a bad night’s sleep. 

‘That should keep you in one piece for now.’ You said, running a hand through his hair. Poe leant into your touch, pressing a kiss to your wrist. ‘You should get some sleep.’

‘Mmm.’ He murmured. ‘You’re staying, right?’

'Absolutely.’ You offered him a soft smile. ‘Gotta lose the boots though. These are clean sheets.’

‘Can you do it for me?’ He asked, flopping back against the mattress. 

You rolled your eyes at his...Poe-ness, before leaning down and unzipping his shoes, tossing them in a pile across the room. Yours joined them, followed by your jacket and the crumpled flight suit. That was something else to worry about tomorrow. For now, your main focus was him. 

Poe climbed under the covers, shuffling across to make room for you. He reached out to you as you joined him, naturally wrapping his arms around your shoulders and pulling you into his side. The tiredness really hit him then, and you could feel his body untense as you pressed a kiss to his jaw. His body was warm against yours, which was a welcome contrast after sleeping alone for the last few nights. 

‘I love you.’ Poe murmured quietly. 

‘I love you too.’ You peered up at him with a smile. 

‘And I’ll always come home to you.’ He gave your shoulders a light squeeze. ‘You know that, right?’

‘I do.’

‘I’ll never break a promise to you.’

‘I know.’ You softly sighed, trying to move closer to him (as though it were even possible).

It was hard for him to fight the exhaustion now that he was laying with you -- after a few moments, his breathing became a little deeper, and his grip on you a little looser. You pressed one last kiss to his cheek, before settling back against his side and letting sleep over take you. 

[50-percent-winchester-sister]

Never Do That Again

Request From: @fancat-not-fangirl

Request:  Can you write something where the sister reader gets hurt on a case bc she was protecting either Sam or Dean (like she pushed them out of the way or jumped in front of them or whatnot) and then they're super super worried and protective and frantic over her and they're also guilty for letting her come along on the case

Prompt: After begging and begging for the boys to let you in on the hunt, they eventually give in, only for you to get hurt during

Dean: 29

Sam: 25

Y/N: 18

Word Count: 3,268

MY FIRST REQUEST!! Ahh I feel like a true fanfic writer now!!! I hope you enjoy this fanfic!!

  "Dean, come on! At this point I'm begging!" You say flinging your arms up. You've been trying days (which felt like years) and Dean wont budge. You constantly asked Sam, and at which point, you bugged him so much he just gave you a "I don't care as long as Dean lets you," And after that, you had your mind set on bugging the hell out of Dean.

  You knew the hunt was harder than the simple salt n' burns that they let you come along with, this hunt required backup, which you 100% will be the backup for.

  "No Y/N, my answer will always be no, so there's no point in asking," Dean said to you in an irritated tone. 'day three of asking and hes already annoyed?' You thought to yourself. "But Dean, you know that if this turns sideways, you two will get hurt, it'll be easier on everyone if there was three people working this, I can help!" You reply, you know your right and nothing Dean will say will make you any less wrong.

  "Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm not just going to let you." "Dean-" "Y/N, no"

  Just then Sam walks in and notices you and Dean barking at each other. You turn around and walk towards Sam and quickly clung onto his arm. "Sam said I can!" And just then, Sams entire soul left his body and .2 seconds later he defends himself so hard your head spins.

  "What? Y/N I never said that. I said that you can as long as Dean lets you." "Dean PLEASE, What if you guys get hurt, and I'm not there to help you guys? I get that something can happen but with the three of us, it'll be less likely!"

  "Dean shes got a point," Sam says looking a little defeated, "Shes been asking for days, if you keep saying no, there's going to be backlash"

  Dean wipes his hand over his face, looking increasingly irritated. "I swear if you get hurt, if I see blood on you and its yours, you're never hunting again, got it?" Dean asks you. "So I'm coming?"

  Dean looks over at Sam, who just shrugged at him, and he looks back at you, "Go pack up, we leave in an hour," Dean sighs. "Oh my god, yes! I swear you wont regret taking me" You respond, running to your room, "I better not," Dean yells back

____________________________________________

  An hour seems like 10 minutes to you, you hunted plenty of times with them, and sneakily by yourself, but none of the hunts were ever this intense. You go outside to see Sam and Dean waiting for you in the Impala.You get inside and apologize for taking so long, and Sam saying that it was alright and no harm was done.

  You, Sam and Dean roll up to the motel since it is already after dark and you're guessing Deans on high alert since you came along. You knew that Dean was going to be harder on you, but that just means you gotta show him how strong you are, even if you get hurt, you gotta suck it up and fight hard, make sure you get that smile that you love to get from him and Sam.

  Once you guys settle in and get ready for bed, you see Dean at the table on Sams laptop, you didn't mean to stare, it just sort of happened.

  You were thinking about every possible outcome, and you knew Dean was thinking the same thing. 'Will I get hurt? Will Sam and Dean get hurt!?'

  Sam looked over at you and noticed that you were staring and Dean for a minute that seemed like forever to him, and he smiled at himself.

____________________________________________

  You were the first one up, even before Sam, and he usually is up at 6:00am. it doesn't take long for Sam to wake up, "Why are you up so early?" he asks you. "Take a wild guess" you respond with a shit eating grin,. "Wake Dean up, I'm going to get breakfast," Sam says taking the car keys out of Dean jacket.

  Sam leaves and you look over at Dean and stare again, you shake your head lightly, 'no stop thinking that.' You walk over to him lightly smack his arm a couple times, "Dean wake up, Sams getting food, come on"

  Dean wakes up and looks over at you with the most softest eyes, "What?" you ask. "What time is it?" he asks in a deep, tired voice. "I don't know hold on" You reply, you walk over to the bed stand where your phone is, "Almost 7:30."

  "Did Sam wake you up?" He asks. "Nah I woke up myself" you say as you throw your phone on the bed, "You okay?" you ask him. You know hes gonna say I'm fine you know it for a fac-

  "I'm fine, are 'you' okay?" He asks

  'Knew it'

  "Oh yeah I'm good." You look over at Dean again and hes still in bed, but sitting up and looking at you. "Anyways what did you find out on Sams laptop last night?" "Three deaths this week, one two nights ago, and all three of them had hole marks behind their left ears and their brains are practically sucked out, I'm guessing its a-" "Wraith?" You cut him off.

  He looks over at you for a couple/few seconds before talking again. "Yeah, how'd you figure that out?" "Dean, I know how to research, not my first rodeo" you giggle after what you said.

  Ten minutes later Sam shows up with breakfast and you three eat while talking about what is about to happen.

  The hunt was going to last all day, the boys go all FBI, and you stay back and research and look around the crime scene. It was complete bullshit, you knew Dean was being protective but come on, you have a fake ID, might as well use it, but no, you knew he would make you stay behind.

  You are wearing your FBI suit just in case you were needed by the boys, you three are at the place where the last murder was, you three are speaking to the mother of the daughter who got killed by the wraith.

  "So Mrs.Luke, would there be any reason this happened, did she have any enemies that might have done this to her?" Sam asks. The way her mom looked at him didn't settle well with you. "No I don't think so, he was so well liked by everyone, she was perfect."

  "Ma'am, I noticed she tried to leave the house before she died, do you know where she was going to go at one in the morning?" you ask Mrs. Luke.

  "Well I- What does that have to do with anything?" She responds, clearly shes quite nervous. "Just answer the question ma'am," Dean quickly adds on.

  "Well I was thinking she was going to sneak over to a friends house or something, but now we'll never know..."

  'What is she hiding?' you ask yourself, 'Does she have something to do with all this?'

____________________________________________

  In the car you three are on the way to the park where the first murder happened. You thought to yourself that there was no way that a wraith can just kill someone out in the open, so it had to be at night where no one was in the park except them and their victim.

  You tell them your observation and with a long sigh you add, "Tonight at around two or three am, I'll come out here and just wait around for the wraith to come by"

  "Uh, no, hell no that ain't happening" Dean says like hes utterly offended that you'd even think about being bait. "But Dean-" "He's right Y/N, No way you are going to go out there alone, we'll figure something out," Sam says. Sam agreeing with Dean can be the most frustrating thing in the world and vise versa.

  "Guys think about it. First murder: 17 year old with long brown hair, Second murder: 20 year old with long brown hair, Third murder: 19 year old with long brown hair, The Fourth is exactly my description, 18 year old with long brown hair, that's me!"

  "Y/N, we said no" Sam and Dean say in unison. Dammit they piss you off so much sometimes.

____________________________________________

  Nightfall comes around and you three are in the motel, you. You had a plan set in your mind. 'Once they fully fall asleep I'll go out there and kill it myself, that way when they wake up, it'll already be dead before they wake up, perfect!' you think to yourself.

  It takes them a couple of hours to go to sleep since they decided to research for a little while, and that kinda of messed up your plan a little, but STILL!!! you already make up your mind and you're going no matter what

  They're finally asleep and thankfully you're quiet and your stealth is at max (thanks to training), and you quietly and quickly leave the motel room with the room key and the Impala's keys since you're the only one leaving.

  You drive to the park where the first murder happened. You hide your knife in your waistband and get out of the car. You then walk and stand in the middle of the park waiting for the wraith. 'Damn it's cold out' you think to yourself, "I should have brought a jacket.' After your statement you breath in and out and what came out was a frozen type of breath and it startled you to say the least. "Wait what the hell? A wraith doesn't have this type of ability"

  "No, honey they don't"

____________________________________________

Meanwhile back at the motel:

  "Dammit Dean, Y/N's gone" Sam says fast walking towards Dean. "Yeah she took the damn car too. You know Sam, Y/N's most likely in the damn park we were art earlier today, lets go" "With what car? Think before everything else Dean," Sam says. Sams right, you cant go into battle without some type of plan.

  "Sam, were the masters of stealing, we'll just take a car from the parking lot," Dean says as he shrugs.

  Sam and Dean roll up to the park and they see you talking to someone they don't know. "Son of a bitch, really? Come on Sammy"

____________________________________________

  "What the hell are you and mostly-" You cut yourself off to show her your blade, "Why the hell are you killing innocent people?" That....thing, begins to laugh, but you don't show any emotion but anger.

  "Honey, I cant be killed by a flimsy knife that 'that', and-" She gets shot. You turn around to see who shot her and you see one pissed off brother and one worry-full brother, (guess who). "and I cant be killed by gunshots either, sorry boys and girls."

  "Well you're one show tune son of a bitch aren't you?" Dean asks. You look at Dean, then at Sam and you see Sam mouthing you to pull back and stand behind them, and knowing you're already grounded for life, you defeated agree.

  "Three against one bitch, you're out numbered" Dean says pulling out his large KA1214. 'That's new,' you think to yourself and out of fight or flight response, you pull your knife out too.

  Sam whispers quiet enough so the thing won't hear him, but loud enough so you can. "Y/N, What the hell is that?" and you respond with "That's a vampire, but i assume its being controlled by a type of ghost"

  "Okay so everyone got their weapons? Fun, let me get mine out too and we can have some fun, huh?" The vampire says as she shows her teeth and pulls out a....'is that a Beretta M9? How uncommon' you think to yourself.

  "Bringing a gun to a knife fight? Really?" Sam asks "Why yes, as you see its a 90-10 ratio, I win and you three...well, at least you three will go down fighting, the one and only Cynthia Harness. lets play shall we? Here, I'll go first." Cynthia tries to shoot Dean but he ducks and runs fast towards her, he swings his knife., but she ducks and runs towards the other direction. Sam runs to catch up with her and you look back at Dean and silently say I'm sorry, and you run towards Sam and Cynthia.

  "Dammit Y/N, come back here!" Dean yells at you, but you don't comply. Deans staying back just in case there were any more and now its just you, Sam and Cynthia out in probably the middle of the woods behind the park.

  You hear two gunshots in front of you. 'Oh god, Sam' you think to yourself, 'what if he's already dead?' "SAAAAAM" You yell, as you're are running faster than you were before.

  Finally, you see Cynthia and 'oh thank god,' you see Sam, and he looks like hes okay! "Oh Its you again, hi!" Cynthia says with a big smile waving at you like shes your best friend. "Get the hell away from him" the venom in your voice is clearly visible. "Hmm? Oh him? No dear, you just stand there while I-" She cuts herself off and positions her gun to point at Sam's chest, "Just kill him in front of you, how does that sound?" Cynthia asks while laughing like its a damn game and shes destined to be the winner.

  "NO," you scream, you run toward sam and .1 milliseconds after she shoots you push sam and the bullet collides with your left leg. You give out a piercing scream as you fall to the floor and Dean comes from behind and chops off Cynthia's head and its rolls on the ground.

  "Y/N! Come on, Dean, let's take her to the car" Sam says has he manages to pick you up and you hold your arm over their shoulders, and you hop on one leg to the car. It was silent, but not as silent as it is in the car, It was deadly silent, A type of silent that was mentally and (for you) physically painful.

  "......Dean?" "Not a word until we get to the motel got it?" Dean says with a thick and dark voice. "Dean-" "I don't want to hear anything from you either Sam, no one talks until we got to the motel, okay? okay good" Dean says with the most pissed off look you've ever received from him.

  And so the long and crucifying 30 minute drive to the motel was silent added with you wincing, groaning and crying from the pain that bitch Cynthia gave you. Every now and then you look at Dean from the rear view mirror and vise versa with Sam, and Dean doesn't look back, he just looks at the road, but Sam looks back at you and sadly smiles and mouths, 'everything's going to be okay, just hold on, okay?' but you don't smile back.

____________________________________________

Meanwhile at the hotel:

  Sam and Dean help you out of the car and into the motel room. "You, sit and Sam, get the damn first aid kit, a wet towel, peroxide, and get me a beer," Dean says to you can Sam. You sit on the foot of your bed and once Dean got his beer and whatever else he needed, he sat next to you and Sam pulled up a chair and sat in front of you.

  "Leg," Dean says, and you pull your leg up on his lap (with the help of Sam of course), and he starts working on cleaning the blood, and stopping it from bleeding even more, and Sam gets ready to pull the bullet out and stitch your leg up.

  You only trust Sam right now to do the 'dangerous' tasks since Deans still very VERY mad at you, and you're a little afraid he'll kill you himself from sheer anger.

  "Y/N-" This time you cut Dean off. "Dean I know, I was being reckless back there, and I could have gotten myself killed, but-" "No Y/N, no buts about it, I knew we shouldn't have brung her, I knew this would happen, and its happened anyway"

  "Dean, I've almost gotten shot if it weren't for her," Sam adds. "Oh so what, you're on 'her' side? "Of course not Dean, I'm on no ones side, I'm just saying, give her a break, get angry after theirs a bullet out of her leg, alright?"

  Thankfully he agreed, and soon enough the bullet was out and you had stitches in your leg. Dean left a couple of hours ago doing god knows what, but Sam stayed with you and you two laid down and talked for a while

  "Don't let Dean get to you, believe it for not, he was just as worried as I was, we still are," Sam says, "Oh and for what its worth, thanks for getting in the way, getting shot in the chest is never a good way to go out." You and Sam both laugh at what he says.

  You begin to push yourself up and a shooting pain starts in your leg, and you hiss at the pain. "Fuck," that all that you can handle saying at the moment.

____________________________________________

  None of you guys slept that whole night. Dean came back a few hours later after Sam thanked you for jumping in front of him. It has to be about eight or nine am before Sam says out loud, "Alright, I'm getting breakfast, you two don't wait up," and leaves the room.

  Now, its just you and Dean. You on your bed, and him on his. You look at him again, and then you look at your hands again. You squeak out an "I'm sorry" to Dean and Dean looks at you.

   'I know you are," Dean says to you. He doesn't look as mad at you as he was earlier, but hes still on the defensive side.

  "I only did it so Sam wont get hurt..." You say looking at your hands for what it feels like the millionth time. "I know, and I'm proud, but you got hurt in the end Y/N," Dean says with worry in his eyes.

  "I know...It hurts like a bitch I'll tell you that," you say as you try to lift the mood. "You could have died Y/N, you cant-" He cuts himself off. "you cant do that to me, to Sam," his voice breaks a little. "Y/N, never do that again okay?"

  "....Dean I cant promise that. I was held at gun point you would jump in front of me to save me." You say with a quiet and small voice.

  "That's just it Y/N, never do what we do unless we tell you to, I swear you got your recklessness from me" You feel your shoulders relax after seeing a smirk from Dean. "I learned from the best" You tell Dean and he does a small laugh.

  Sam comes back a little while later and you three eat your breakfast and talk about from completely nothing to what other hunt you guys are thinking of doing. Of course you wont be able to hunt for a while since you can barely stand, but you can research like a son of a bitch, and hey, sometimes its nice to be backup, especially for the two boys that frustrate the hell out of you.

[naturesgender]

hey folks this is gonna be a really really long post, i just kinda gotta write some stuff down, idk if anyone is gonna see this but if you do i’m gonna try to do the thing where there’s a cut and you can press “keep reading” if you wanna see the whole thing but idk how to do that so if it doesn’t work i’m sorry in advance!

*i think i figured it out, it should work! just put it there so u wouldn’t have to scroll past the whole thing if u didn’t wanna read it cause it’s rlly fuckin long lmao i love u all <3*

ok so

i am not Clinically Depressed i don’t live w/depression i don’t struggle with it on a daily basis i am generally a pretty Not-Depressed person

however

i am doing my best to get better at not ignoring the times when i *do* feel depressed because “i don’t actually suffer from clinical depression so this isn’t even that bad!” or “a lot of my friends feel like this on a daily fuckin basis and that’s really awful for them so i should always prioritize their feelings over mine all the time” or “these are stupid reasons to be depressed anyway” or “even though it’s really really hard for me to get out of bed right now there are people who sometimes Cannot get out of bed and i am not one of those people so it’s all good lol” or any of that shit cause (news flash) i am not the greatest at taking good emotional care of myself, and although i have gotten better at letting others take care of me, i still have lots of problems feeling comfy doing that if they’re not also letting me take care of them (which is a whole other issue that i’m not gonna get into rn)

so with all that in mind i just kind of wanted to get it down in writing and like Acknowledge the fact that during this past semester, mostly during the past month, i have been the most generally depressed i’ve been for a long time, maybe ever. i was definitely depressed in freshman year and was having some pretty Not Spicy Thoughts (nothing *super* serious dw) and that definitely wasn’t fun, but that was like a different brand of depression. back then the main reason i was depressed was bc i had no friends (or at least none i felt i could really be close with) and i was struggling to make the transition to high school and i didn’t really feel like either of my two-friends-who-i-didn’t-feel-i-could-be-close-with cared about me at all. this is a different brand. i’m very lucky to have a lovely group of very close friends who i can trust and who i mostly feel i can rely on (although when it comes to relying on my friends, the problem isn’t that i don’t feel that my friends are reliable bc i know that they are and i know they love me!! i trust that they would help me!! the issue is that i don’t often feel like it would be fair to ask them for help, but like i said that’s a whole other issue just wanted to clarify that the issue is not with my friends it’s 100% with me and i know that). i have a pretty good social life as of rn, and even though we’re all dealing with this shitty shitty pandemic, my friends and i have found ways to stay connected and we videochat and play games and i love them so much and i’m so grateful for them and they make my life infinitely better. so the social aspect is not the issue here in the same way it was in freshman year. the issue here is that i seem to have lost most of my driving force.

here is a list to help me acknowledge things

i turn 18 in exactly a month (january 7th) and although i know that i don’t just *poof* into an adult, i am still terrified of losing my childhood (much of which i have already lost due to very poor memory and my anxiety quashing the ability to be weird the way that i am/the way that i want to) and i don’t have myself together in the way that i wanted to by the time i reached 18/senior year/graduation/Adulting Time

online class is hell, the work has only gotten harder, i sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen for over 10 hours a day and don’t move and get lots of headaches and feel very understimulated, there’s always Something i haven’t done, and i can’t find it in me to give any shits about school in any way shape or form

except for maybe practicum i care about practicum i always care about practicum

i have basically no money and my gap year is coming up and i can’t get a job right now and i might not be able to get a job this school year at all and i am terrified of not being able to make enough money to give my friends the safe space they need, i need to support them, they need people who will Love Them, i want to give them a home i want to be a home for them and i am fucking terrified of not being able to make it happen for them

and for myself but also not really

like i definitely want this and i’m super excited to live with them but i’m also scared to leave home but i also know that they Need to leave home and i want to give them what they need!! and we’re gonna have such a good time!! and we’re gonna be safe and we’re gonna be whole and we’re gonna be loved and we’re gonna be a family!! this needs to happen i need to give them this we need to make this

i don’t wanna make it seem like i don’t wanna live with them, i do, i really do, i love them to pieces, i love them with all i am, i can’t express how much i love them, and i’m really really really excited, but at this point i’m mostly scared

having been diagnosed with (mild) adhd does not make it any easier to focus or sleep and i cannot fucking focus and i haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks

there’s so much shit that i have to do hanging over my head, mostly it’s scheduling i’m trying to schedule my life basically (which sounds crazy but it’s less intense than it sounds i’m just trying to give myself more structure) but that’s a really overwhelming task and every time i try to make a schedule i can never stick to it so i have a lot less faith in it this time around

my sexuality and gender and thoughts about surgery/transitions/etc remain unclear and the only thing i’m sure of is that i’m demiromantic, but that doesn’t do shit about unrequited romance, which hurts like a motherfucker, and i don’t even truly know if it *is* romance that i’m wanting and there’s nothing real that i can do about that either

still feeling like shit about my body in a lot of different ways, not gonna get too far into it rn

the pandemic + online school + drudgery of classes + general unmotivated feelings + no changes in routine + a lack of structure + same environment 24/7 makes every day feel the fucking same and i’m sick of it

i’m stressed about vassar results coming out tmrw and i still have to write like at most 8 different college supplements before december 23rd (2 weeks)

i haven’t really sat down and done anything i’ve Enjoyed for a while and not had a Responsibility hanging over my head

basically i’m tired and anxious and overworked and lonely and lacking a driving force and really really fucking angry at everything and all that combines to make me pretty damn miserable! and as a result of all of this, my self-care is slipping and then my room doesn’t get clean and my bed doesn’t get made and i don’t get dressed or make myself proper meals or brush my teeth or sleep and that just makes it worse

and i want to talk about how i do definitely still have plenty of happy moments and good things and there is still a good amount of sunshine, i’m not *completely* miserable, but the minute i start thinking about that, i start to think that whatever sunshine there may be automatically cancels out any gray that there is, which is not a good place to be because i don’t want to fake being happy (i’ve never been good at that anyway which is probably a good thing) so i’m trying to acknowledge that hey! things are pretty shitty!! but please keep in mind that even as i type this, most of me is saying things along the lines of “don’t share this don’t post it don’t complain you don’t have it bad you’re fine you need to take care of your friends you can’t feel these things just snap out of it and you’ll be fine” so this is a pretty big step and a lot for me to just Put Out Into The World

i spent a while trying to think of other things that i could add here but i don’t really think there’s much else to say. i’m not sure where to go from here. i don’t have any magic solutions so i am trying really really hard not to let myself slip into complete giving-up-i-will-not-get-better space and it helps to just Know what’s in my brain. i don’t know if i have the mental energy to try to “fix” any of these issues right now, i just think i needed to start by writing them down. now i have them and i guess i’ll see where i can go from here. sorry this post was super long for anyone who may have chosen to take a look

that’s all <3

[bendthekneejon]

My self-care routine for the Jonerys fam

I’ve had anons and private messages of people telling me they feel physically sick from this whole Jonerys situation or that they’re falling into depression. Fear is consuming many people here. So I wanna give out some advice for your mental health.

It hasn’t even been a week and the wait has been torturous. So we got 10 more days to endure this. I’d rather spend them hopeful, EVEN if it’s wishful thinking (I don’t think it is, but well). Because when I’m hopeful, I’m in a good mood. And when I’m in a good mood, I have more energy and vitality, I feel better, I sleep better, I can focus on other things in life. So yes, I’d rather be hopeful and spend this following week and a half in a healthy way. If GOT ends tragically, I’ll cry on May 19th (and beyond), but why should I start torturing myself with pessimism from now? Am I gonna change anything by doing so?

Now, about self-care. My mental health used to be a fucking mess, I was medicated and wasn’t getting better. But I have changed my way of life to get better, and it’s working really, really well. Some things about this may sound weird to some of you (especially for the Westerns), like energetic healing and stuff like that. But give it a try. I believe in it 100% when I used to think it was bs just some years ago. Try to trust it--you lose nothing and can gain much. 

My tips:

Take care of what you eat. This is always my #1 advice. Eat plenty of fruit and vegetables. They are excellent to detox the body, which you need to do if you have fear and stress stored inside. Try not to eat red meat at least for these days. If you can afford organic foods, go buy ‘em. Watch out for coffee, it can increase your anxiety. Eat one bar of dark chocolate a week (minimum 75% cacao) for the serotonin, preferably one without milk. Try to consume vitamins C and D (for D, let the sun rays embrace you! for C, consume citric but if you have the chance to get a vit C shot in your area, go for it, it’s vitalizing as hell and lasts for a month). PLEASE no fast foods no shit foods they are terrible for emotional balance!

Work out. Guys, this one is a MUST. I’ve always been sedentary as fuck. Picture a lion chasing a zebra. If the zebra runs away and saves itself, it will start shaking—this is nature’s way to take out all the emotions of fear and stress that are stored inside an animal’s body. But when we human beings get scared, we freeze, which is exactly the opposite of what we must do lol. We gotta take those toxins out and the best way to do so is by moving the body. Dance, run, do some hot yoga, but you gotta SWEAT. Every day. Our bodies generate toxins EVERY DAY.

If you do yoga, try to do balance poses, they help with your actual inner emotional balance as well.

Shower more than once a day: morning and night. If you can in the afternoon, do so as well (my apologies to planet earth). Water is extremely purifying. The water should be preferably cold, at most, a little warm. If you loooove to shower with hot water, when you’re done, let one COLD water jet fall on the center of your head. Yes, it’s not fun, but it helps to neutralize emotions marvelously. Also, do NOT get into bed without showering first. You’re carrying a shitload of toxins and negative energy from the people outside and getting them into your most personal place. Again, at least for these stressful days, try to believe in energies if you don’t.

Try to be around people. Don’t lock yourself away. Try to laugh with them to release serotonin and dopamine and all that. Try to hug as many people as you can. Go to a friend and fucking HUG THEM. You have no idea how healing hugs are, even physically (dopamine and all that stuff). Cuddle with your partner if you have one (or with your mom, brother, etc), tell each other I love you. LOVE. IS. HEALING. AS. FUCK.

Now this is gonna sound cheesy as fuck (but believe me, it’s important): try not to have casual sex with someone you don’t love, much less with someone who isn’t close to you and you don’t know too well. If you really want to have sex, I strongly advise for you to make love with your partner (yes sex in general is great to chill the fuck out but trust me with this one).

Get a plant, preferably a bonsai, and take care of it. Caring for another being is extremely healing. If you have pets, give ‘em some love as well.

Keep your room clean with very very few things in it. Yes, Marie Kondo was right. That shit is healing as fuck. Tidiness and organization in your personal space give you a sense of internal organization and balance as well.

Try not to watch the news nor any violent movie/tv show (YES EXACTLY AVOID GOT, at least when it’s not a sunday night lmao)

Write your feelings down. All of them. Discharge them. If you bottle them up, they will leak through your day through exhaustion and bad mood.

During panic attacks, like when you’re afraid your characters will die, make an attempt for reason to overcome emotions. eg. Read a list of reasons why they would survive (i literally made my jonerys list to read it to myself during these moments of despair).

Keep your mind busy. Try not to have many moments without doing anything. This way, your mind will focus more on your real life and the activity you’re doing than on the fictional characters in your mind.

Avoid alcohol, tobacco, drugs in general.

And the most valuable advice I can give you: LOG THE FUCK OUT OF TUMBLR. LOG OUT. DUDE. WHY ARE YOU TORTURING YOURSELF LIKE THIS. LEAVE THIS FUCKING HELLSITE. Look, I’m here only to answer my friends’ messages, not even looking at my dash (i’m only using tumblr for desktop, i deleted the app) bc I KNOW others’ pessimism will intoxicate me. Now, if you really want to stay here to look for more evidence on why the leaks are FALSE to calm yourself down, then that’s completely valid but please be careful, eg. unfollow and block the pessimistic blogs or try to only look at the ones who share the reasons why the leaks are false (this is not marketing for my own blog i swear lol, it’s def gonna help you to only follow the optimistic ones). AND LOG OUT OF REDDIT TOO BISHES FUCKING YEET THAT SHIT AWAY.

And if you STILL feel like shit at night, take a sleeping pill (last resort…try to keep your body free from chemicals for now).

Anyway, if I remember more I’ll add them. If someone has more tips, you’re more than welcome to share them.

PS: For these things to actually make a difference in you, you gotta be constant and disciplined. It’s not just about going out for a run once or drinking an orange juice once. It has to become part of your daily life to change your mindset and the way you see the world and yourself.

[rovvboat]

Abort Mission - Cable/Nathan Summers x Reader P.1

Part 1

Warnings: Smut, NSFW content, Angst. 

A/N: Hope you enjoy this angsty smutfest! It’s my first time writing smut and I didn’t think that I’d do it so soon, but it seemed so.. //NEEDED// for this storyline- AGAIN: this one’s a long one bc I’m trying to set the scene for part 2 - the smut in this is worth it!!! So indeed look out for p2 if you enjoyed this one - its gonna be much more fast-paced than this one is ;) Cheerio~!

Words: 4k 

Summary: Your team had been tipped off about a possible resurrection of an unnamed villain by Black Talon and his followers, which prompted a recon mission led by Cable. Long nights awake had driven you to the point of extreme agitation.The remote and small location didn’t help and neither did the fact that you easily become a restless mess; to add to the complexity, you have a crush on Cable. Things get heated when you could no longer keep it in.

You were chosen as the on-site medic – despite your reluctance – by Colossus; who cited your usefulness, where resources would be limited, as the reason why you were best for the job.

And the choice was ditto-ed by Wade, who cited your terrible crush on Cable as the reason why he voted for you. To your relief, Wade’s voting was done where Cable wasn’t within earshot – so there wasn’t much to worry about. The last thing in Cable’s mind would be a relationship, and you weren’t prepared to test out that theory.

Of course, your powers could mold things out of the materials around you and enhance the healing factor of anyone you willed and you could, with enough time, change the landscape of a limited area by accelerating certain reactions… Damn your powers. It was so easy for you to get chosen as the in-and-out-house ‘’medic’’ – especially because of how fast you could recovered between missions.

Your high energy was also a key factor in this long-haul mission - which was expected to take at least 2 weeks. You and Cable were thoroughly prepped and the both of you set off to the post in record time.

The land rover bounced up and down as it sped through the rough and uneven terrain. The uncontrollable bobbing was making you feel sick, but you tried your best to keep it in, putting one hand on the dashboard to keep yourself steady as the car made a rag-doll out of you.

You looked over to Cable in the driving seat, his eyes focused entirely on the far away destination.

‘’Hey, how long til’ we reach the spot?’’

‘’We’ll be arriving soon, don’t worry. You feeling okay?’’ Cable responded, without taking his eyes off the road

‘’Well, I’d feel better if this car could stop wobbling so damn much.’’ You said as you used a hand rub circles around your stomach in an attempt to soothe it, and tried to make yourself feel less sick.

It worked. Until the next big bump in the road almost threw you off the seat.

‘’Do they not have cars in the future, Cable? You suck at driving.’’

Cable chuckled.

‘’Alright, alright, stop your whining. We’re here.’’ He said as he put the rover in park.

‘’And where exactly is here, Mr. Can’t Drive? We’re still in the middle of nowhere.’’

‘’We gotta walk from here, kid. The cabin isn’t too far off, and we don’t want the engine noise to alert anyone that we’re here.’’

‘’Wow, I didn’t know we were having an affair.’’

‘’Yeah. Sure.’’ Cable scoffed. He was one of the only few people who could take your snark, and you didn’t know whether it made you happy, or annoyed that it wasn’t annoying to him.

‘’Hey, I have a question. Since you know my real name, can I know yours?’’ You asked with a mischievous tone in your voice.

‘’It’s Nathan. Nathan Summers. Now let’s get to work.‘’

You were surprised by his candid response.

‘’I honest to God did not think it would’ve been that easy.’’ You remarked.

You and Cable got to unloading the gear and rations you brought. As you do, you noticed that he had stopped unloading, and was looking intently at something. You walked over to see what had caught his attention, when he spoke up.

‘’Tell me again, how would… a long bolster pillow… help us get information from our enemies? You gonna smother them into talking?’’ He joked as he held up the long grey cushion in front of him.

‘’That’s for me, Nathaniel. I can’t sleep if I’m not hugging something.’’

Cable looked at the pillow, then back at you; the smirk on his face clearly showing his amusement at this revelation.

‘’What?’’ You said, snagging your lovely pillow away from him.

‘’Nothing. I expected as much. Now get a move on. We’re burning daylight.’’

You both began trekking away from the dirt path and into the forest.

The forest looked magical. The rays of sunlight filtered through the trees, and the vines seemed to dance with the light breeze, as you walked through it. The slight crunching sounds of your feet treading on the leaf litter against the sounds of the forest – alive and creaking and croaking and cawing – reminded you of how out of place you were.

While you were busy taking in the sights and sounds of your surroundings, Cable made sure to mark the way leading into undisclosed location using a knife, in order to make it easier for you to find your way back; in case you get lost during the mission. He was lucky that you were easily distracted, else you would be trying to annoy him out of boredom.

After what seemed like days of walking – though honestly it was only about 30 minutes or so – the sight of a dilapidated cabin finally came into view. It was big, but obviously couldn’t have been your place of residence for the mission, mostly due to the fact that it stood crushed under a gigantic tree.

‘’Holy shit. That looks so cool!’’ You exclaimed under your breath. Cable hummed a sound of agreement. The kind of hum that an older sibling would make whenever a younger sibling points out something mundane and routine with a sense of renewed awe.

‘’Don’t patronize me, old man Nathan!’’ You said with a light shove.

You walked ahead to inspect the house, and saw that it had moss and algae growing all over. There were shards of glass scattered around the entrance, and to top it all off, a heavily rusted metal fence barricaded the front door and windows.

You looked up at the huge tree that had fallen onto it. The weight of the tree had caved the roof in – who knows how long ago – and now looks almost as if it was part of the cabin.

‘’Home sweet home.’’ Cable quipped.

‘’This has got to be a joke, ri-‘’ You started, but Cable cut you off.

‘’Stop talking and follow my lead.’’

You held onto your bag straps and grudgingly tagged along. He strode over to the thick base of the ginormous fallen tree; where its roots were pointed in all directions. The tree looked awfully old yet sturdy, but something about it seemed awkwardly placed the more you looked at it.

Cable did some mental calculations and made his way to the underside of the tree, near the perimeter of the cabin and pulled on a loose vine.

The vine was connected to a stealthily hidden trap door, which gave way as Cable tugged at it. You hadn’t even noticed the way it curved into a kind of entrance, but it was perfectly camouflaged against the deep ashy brown of the fallen tree. The trap door opened into a narrow crawlspace that looked like something out of a zombie movie.

‘’Go on, get a move on. We don’t have all day, Y/N.’’ Cable urged. He took out something which looked like a gun from his fanny-pack – he could call it a utility bag all he wants, it wasn’t going to make it true – and pulled the trigger, which released something into the distance with a strong wisp. He did this a few times at different angles.

You furrowed your brows, but didn’t question it and got into an army crawl position, pushing yourself into the crawlspace. It turned out to be bigger than you expected; dust and tiny fiber particles swirled around you as you pushed your way deeper into it – using what little light that entered to guide you wherever you were headed. You heard Cable enter into the crawlspace behind you and cover up the entrance, instantly engulfing you both in darkness.

‘’Nice place you got here, Nathan. Where do I put up my reviews in Yelp?’’ You commented, turning your head back at him as he caught up with you.

‘’You talk too much Y/N,’’ he returned, ‘’Now hurry up and get to the end.’’

You hustled and reached the end. You stretched your hands out and felt a metal wall in front of you. Before you could ask, Cable voiced out.

‘’Okay, now you have to pull on the lever. Feel around for it, it should be to your left.’’ He instructed.

Using both your hands, you felt around the ground and finally discerned a hard, metallic smooth protrusion from the adjacent wall. You pushed it up and suddenly, the wall in front of you rose with a mechanical shunting and clunking noise.

The wall revealed behind it a wide-open space, fully furnished with a narrow kitchen – with a door that led into the world’s tiniest washroom – and a small living room with a slender sofa and a single-bed right behind it. It was quaint, but better than anything you could ever have expected.

‘’Dibs on the bed!’’ You called out as you got up out of the entrance and jumped on the bed. Cable just sighed as he got up. It’s hard to even imagine that you were an adult. But it was entertaining – to say the least.

You helped Cable bring in and set-up the equipment at the surveillance post; which turned out to be the two-way window in the kitchen that overlooked the abandoned military base a little ways off - past a few trees and shrubbery.

You let out a deep breath, thinking about how long of a mission you had in front of you, as Cable arranged for a surveillance schedule. He carefully divided up the timings such that he would do most of the night watch while you did mostly daytime. A switch happened every 4 days for effective exchange of notes and to ensure that you both were on your toes. Cable passed you a set of earpieces as you were setting up.

‘’These are our ears on the ground. If anything happens in there, we’re gonna hear it loud and clear. The team also has a set back home and they would be helping us keep track of Black Talon’s followers. They can hear us – and the recording device in the abandoned base – but we can’t hear them.’’ Cable explained.

‘’Is that so?’’ You took an earpiece. ‘’Fuck you, Wade! I know it was you who took my M&Ms from the fridge and made Colossus take the fall! Colossus, buddy, you did nothing wrong and I will make sure Wade suffers for this.’’ You dramatically exclaimed into the comms device. 

Cable stared at you in what seemed to be both reserved disappointment and met expectations. A hard line to cross, but you do it anyway.

The first few days had gone by without incident – and no sign of Black Talon or his followers. However, on the fourth day, there was a sudden influx of noise in the comms. The followers had planned a ritual to allow Black Talon’s return as well as preparation for a ‘resurrection’ of sorts. All details were captured on audio, which made it easier for an eventual ambush. However, one crucial detail had not been disclosed.

When was this ritual going to happen?

All signs pointed to the speculation that it was going to be a month away. But the team wanted the mission to proceed as normal for another week to ensure nothing new popped up.

 Both you and Cable were clearly getting antsy. A good 5 days had passed since the last appearance or instance of anyone around the base, and so far, nothing seemed to be happening. Even picking on each other didn’t seem to satisfy the accumulating energy from being stuck in such a small space.

You tried doing some on-the-spot jogging and star jumps but still felt restless.

‘’Maybe you should try to get some rest. I can take it from here.’’ Cable offered.

You dragged your body to the couch, stretching out one leg over the couch as you let yourself fall onto the comfortable fabric, and tried to get some shut eye.

After 20 minutes of tossing and turning, you got up off the couch and walked toward the kitchen window.

Cable had been diligently standing watch, making notes of any activities around the abandoned base. He looked up to acknowledge you and went right back to keeping watch.

‘’I can’t sleep’’

‘’Have you tried hugging your pillow?’’ Cable asked nonchalantly as he continued refocusing the night-vision binoculars.

You rolled your eyes at him, and meandered over to him. You tapped him on the shoulder, then motioned with your hands for him to step away from his post in front of the tinted windows. You picked up the binoculars and scanned the surroundings.

‘’Boy do I love looking at nothing happening!’’ You tittered as you set the binoculars onto the table.

‘’We didn’t come here for a fucking field trip now, did we? If you could stop your incessant whining for about 30 seconds, maybe we could’ve gotten our job here done quicker.’’ Cable snapped back at you. Your eyes widened in surprise.

‘’Yeah, cos I’m that useless right?’’ You glared at Cable and stormed out of the kitchen. Great, now you were both restless and frustrated.

‘’What the fuck are you talking about?’’ He called after you.

‘’Forget it.’’                                            

You suddenly felt a hand clasp around your wrist, pulling you in the opposite direction, until you came face to face with Cable. You held your breath, you whole body tensed, as he paused for a second; eyes locked onto yours like a magnet.

The tension weighed down heavy in the room, as if all the forest was spectating your little show from the outside; waiting to see what you would do.

This couldn’t go on any longer.

You swiftly took one step towards Cable, placing your free hand on his neck, and drew him into a deep kiss. He slowly let go of your wrist and pulled you closer to him. His cybernetic arm on the small of your back, easing you into it.

He tugged at your legs with a low growl, with a neediness, a desire.

A desire that filled you as well.

You instinctively wrap your legs around him and Cable immediately propped you up onto his waist; almost as if it was what he was waiting for the entire time.

You brought your hands up to his face, as you broke away from the kiss, heavy pants escaping your lips as you stared into him. He seemed hesitant to continue.

‘’Are you sure you want to do this?’’ Cable asked tentatively. His low, husky voice sending chills down your spine as you held onto him.

‘’Yeah. I’m sure.’’ You seductively whispered into his ear; which was enough to drive him wild.

He let both your bodies collapse onto the couch, you on your back, and him on top of you. You picked at his shirt trying to find the edge, and dragged it up off him as he lifted his torso up to pull it over his head. His attention focused right back at you, as he placed kisses from your lips, down to your neck – lingering at your collarbone, causing you to arch your back as you stifled a moan. His hands go to work on your shorts, yanking it off, leaving your panties exposed.

He pushed his body off of yours and shifted your body up a little to pull your shirt off, exposing your bare tits to the cold. He took a second to admire your almost-naked body, running his hands over your breasts and pinching one of your nipples between his fingers, pulling at it gently as his tongue played with the other. You were turned on beyond belief.

He brings his face up to yours, hastily meeting your lips, as if time had kept them apart for too long. Your tongues moving slowly, playfully, around each other – fully getting a taste of each other.

Cable breaks the kiss, rhythmic heavy pants escaping from both of you. He moves to unbuckle his pants, but you beat him to it – pulling the belt out of its metal confines and discarding it onto the floor so quickly that it made Cable let out a deep chuckle.

You ignored it and continue unzipping his pants and yanked it down together with his boxers, exposing his thick cock. You stroke his length with fervor, and watch as he melted into your hands – his brows furrowed and his eyes closed, focused intensely on the feeling of your pressure moving up and down around his shaft, as you felt him get harder against your palms.

‘’Oh fuck, darling, this is gonna end too soon if you continue like this.’’ He moaned against your slow lazy strokes. He brings his hand down to stop you; pulling arms up over your head, holding them together as his body closes the distance between you two. You relent, allowing him control.

‘’Good girl. Now let me return the favor.’’ He whispered into your ear, his hand sliding down your thigh, then over the fabric covering your pussy. His finger circling around, pressing down whenever it was directly above your clit.

‘’You’re already so wet for me, doll.’’

‘’Fuck, Nate. St- Stop teasing– ‘’ You moaned.

‘’Tell me what you want.’’ He said as he kissed that sensitive spot on your neck, making you dig your fingers into his back. When you finally spoke, your voice was raspy and strained.

‘’I want you. Right now.’’

He immediately yanked your panties off, and brought his hand to his hard member, positioning it at your entrance – leisurely teasing your pussy with the tip of his cock.

‘’Nate!’’ You whined.

With one swift move, he pushed himself inside you – painfully slowly – as if he was restraining himself. You writhed under him as you got used to his size entering you. You search for his body – unbearably absent from yours – and pull at his hands.

He immediately goes to kiss you again, rhythmically driving into you, as his tongue found yours.

Your body stiffened from the overstimulation, and as the tension accumulated, you whimpered and squirmed beneath him. You wanted nothing but release, but your body wasn’t allowing it.

‘’Nate, please- fuck I can’t.’’ You said as you gnawed gently at his neck; trying to rid of all the pent-up energy.

‘’Just hold out for me a little more, doll.’’ He growled, getting close to his own climax. He shifted his body closer to yours, quickening his thrusts.  He put his arms around you in an embrace. His face lying next to yours as his hand pushed your face closer to his.

‘’Oh fuck- Nate, please- I need to-‘’

‘’Shhh… It’s okay. It’s okay Y/N.’’ He whispered into your ear as he circled your clit with two fingers – with just the right amount of pressure – edging you closer and closer to a much-needed orgasm.

‘’That’s it babygirl. I want you to cum for me.’’ He coaxed. He continued gently pushing into you.

The thought of having him delving so deep into you, with his fingers making magic on your clit, finally pushed you over the edge.

‘’Nate I’m- Fuck- I’m coming!’’

The orgasm seared through you; leaving your body arched, toes curled and legs trembling. The contractions of your pussy against his hard cock, pushing him to his own climax.

As all the pent-up energy slowly dissipated in those moments of satisfaction, you lowered your body down onto the cushions.

Cable continued where he left off and thrust into you, hard and slow. You let him find his own orgasm as he promptly pulled out and came over your stomach with a moan.

His body collapsed onto yours, his breathing steady as his eyes closed. His hair drapes onto his forehead. You instinctively go to shift it out of the way; and slowly ran your fingers through his hair. You watched him as he fell asleep on top of you, the sound of his breathing lulling you to sleep as you finally, finally, fell into a deep slumber.

 You woke up to the sight of sunlight filtering into the room, with the sound of bird chirping and going about their day.

All of a sudden, you felt a drop in your stomach, as you noticed that your bolster had replaced where Cable had been. You also noticed that there was a blanket over you.

Was I dreaming…?

You looked around and saw your shorts, shirt and panties folded neatly on the coffee table. Last night had happened, so where was Cable now?

You quickly throw your clothes on – save for the panties which you stuffed into your daypack – washed up, and wandered into the kitchen.

You noticed Cable leaning against the window frame – staring out the window – with a coffee mug in hand. He looked relaxed, but somehow distant. As if he was deep in thought.

‘’Good morning.’’ You voiced as a yawn escaped you. You stretched your arms over you, your feet tiptoed in an automatic response.

Cable watched you tenderly, catching your morning yawn and stretch.

‘’Good morning, Y/N. There’s some coffee in the pot if you’d like.’’ He responded, looking back towards the window.

You brush your teeth then pour yourself a cup of coffee and settle down on the small dining table. Cable moved towards the dining table, taking the seat across you. There was a sudden seriousness to him that demanded your attention. He set his mug on the table before continuing.

‘’Y/N… I hope that it was clear that last night… was a one-time thing.’’ He stated. ‘’I don’t want you to think tha-‘’

‘’No, yeah, I get it. I didn’t expect anything from this.’’ You interrupted, taking a sip of your coffee.

‘’That’s good to hear. And hey, we can finally get out of this hellhole. I think we have all the information we need for the ambush.’’ He divulged as he stood up, taking a swig of coffee before moving to wash it in the sink.

You kept quiet. Your heart sank the moment the words ‘one-time thing’ spilled from his lips. You did all you could to seem like it didn’t affect you, to make it seem like the tears brimming over your eyes were no indication of how you felt. You abandoned your half-empty coffee cup and hastened to the shower, where you could let it all out under the running water.

 Once the coast was clear, you and Cable packed all the equipment and made your way back to the rover. You followed Cable through the forest, not once stopping to look at the surroundings; your eyes focused straight ahead, but on nothing in particular, looking slightly dazed.

Cable had noticed your lack of wit and conversation, but knowing better, he decided not to remark on your newfound silence.

When you finally reached the jeep, you hauled your gear onto the back and settled yourself in the front seat. You wanted to sit in the backseat, but thought against it, should it arouse suspicion in Cable. You brought your bolster along with you to the front seat to help you ease the bumps.

Once he was done securing the gear in the back, Cable took the drivers seat and began the drive back to the X-Mansion; as you held onto your pillow while watching each tree pass by you from the window. The slow bumps seemed to induce sleep as you drifted off – your eyelids as heavy as your heart was – whilst Cable did his best to drive as smoothly as possible through the uneven terrain to take you both back home.

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[meepface]

i’m in a mood and i’m bored please ignore

1: Name 

elyse

2: Age

20

3: 3 Fears

settling for less than i deserve or for something i don’t want just because happiness seems too hard or would hurt someone, the ocean, scorpions

4: 3 things I love

making people laugh, holding hands w my girlfriend and walking past another gay couple or someone in a LGBTQ+ related shirt n smilin at each other, when dogs have the lil tiny stump tails and they wag em so fast, when candles smell like christmas

5: 4 turns on

freckles, ambition/drive/passion for something, humility, uhhh also eye contact during sex can also be super hot

6: 4 turns off

apathy, moodiness, arrogance, people who are extremely loud all the time

7: My best friend

i have two and they’re great!! one leaves for japan in two days though and she’ll be gone for a month so that highkey sucks for me but she’s gonna have a blast. n my other best friend is so good to me she always takes care of me n listens to me and the other day she bought me alcohol so that was nice

8: Sexual orientation

bisexual but maybe just gay? idk i would date a boy but prolly wouldn’t fuck a boy ya know but i’d do both with a girl so who knows

9: My best date

this question originally said “my best first date” but most of em have been goin to movies and so i changed it bc my best date just in general was probably when my gf and i went and ate at our favorite place to eat n then we banged in her car in a department store parking lot and then afterwards she was like “wait nobody’s at my house i’m sneakin u over” bc her mom can be a lil weird about me going to her house so i never really do and i had never seen her room so she snuck me over to her house n we cuddled on her bed n she showed me this shoebox she has in her room with every tiny lil gift i’d ever given her in it and it made me cry a little. another nice date was when it was flooding at our university and so they canceled classes and we went to walgreens and bought shirts bc ours were soaked from the rain and i bought socks bc my socks got Wet bc i stepped in a puddle and we just stayed in my car and ate candy in our comfy clothes waitin for the rain to let up and yeah TMI ahead but basically she ended up eating me out for the first time so that was nice lol

10: How tall am I

5′7

11: What do I miss

i dunno i already miss my best friend Kate even tho she doesn’t leave for Japan until Wednesday morning. also i kinda miss how things were before this year bc my life was less chaotic and stressful and sad last year and now i’m in a rut a lil bit

12: What time was I born

uhh 11:30 somethin AM

13: Favorite color

i like cerulean which is sorta like a teal blue and then yellow and then brown and then dark green

14: Do I have a crush

ya i have a gf

15: Favorite quote

“if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely”

16: Favorite place

i like to be in my bedroom a lot but there’s also this roof i go to with friends a lot that’s really nice at night and i have so many memories there. it’s a really happy place for me

17: Favorite food

i like japanese food but not the seafood kind

18: Do I use sarcasm

no never

19: What am I listening to right now

praying // kesha

20: First thing I notice in new person

i guess just their general vibe

22: Eye color

very green but they were blue for a good half of my life which is kinda weird bc they’re so green now lmao

23: Hair color

red lmao

24: Favorite style of clothing

idk i go through a million styles in a week but my fave is just a cute oversized shirt n leggings bc it’s comfy and effortless

25: Ever done a prank call?

oh yeah i used to do a ton, i even used to have a character that i’d prank call people with actually. her name was Sonya and she sold breast enhancement cream

27: Meaning behind my URL

that’s actually a secret lmao

28: Favorite movie

the secret life of walter mitty

29: Favorite song

uhh idk but lately i’ve loved do re mi by blackbear 

30: Favorite band

twenty one pilots (can i make it any more obvious that i hate myself), two door cinema club, of monsters and men, the 1975, the wonder years

31: How I feel right now

generally okay?? today was a nice day but i’ve felt sorta sick all day and i haven’t been sleeping enough so that’s making me a big ol emotional baby so i feel like i could have a breakdown at any given minute but for the most part i am good tonight

32: Someone I love

my girlfriend

33: My current relationship status

taken

34: My relationship with my parents

oh i love em to death but sometimes they’re difficult n the two of em weren’t meant to be together honestly so i think they’d be better off n a lot less stressful to be around if they divorced but it’s okay maybe they will work it out

35: Favorite holiday

christmas eve. it’s so much better than christmas day!!!! 

36:Tattoos and piercing i have

i have a sun and moon tattoo on each wrist and the word “lovely” on my left bicep and i’m gonna get more but that’s all for now. n i have three piercings, one on one ear and two on the other. i was supposed to have two on both ears but one got infected and i didn’t know what to do so i took the piercing out and it fucked it up and it closed up so i gotta go get it repierced someday but that’s annoying so i just haven’t bothered yet

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

don’t want anymore piercings after i get that one redone tbh. but i want a pine tree tattoo i think on my ankle and a equals sign tattoo but idk where yet and lil mountains on my shoulders, also a sunflower maybe ??? i’m still tryna figure our which one i wanna get next and where. i also have been thinkin about maaaaaaybe getting the female symbol on my middle finger but idk if i want a hand tattoo ya know

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

i really liked this youtuber charlieissocoollike and he did a video about tumblr so i was like ok cool and made one but then i didn’t understand it and never used it and then caitlin one day was talking about tumblr with our friends oliver and jennica and i was like dang i wanna be cool like them so i started using it again and i found their blogs and stalked em for a while 

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

not hate but i’d never speak to him again. doubt he hates me tho

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

yeah from my gf

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

yes

42: When did I last hold hands?

today

43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

if i’m trying to look nice 45 mins-1 hour and if i’m not trying to look nice like 20-30 mins

44:Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

no but i need to lmao they a lil prickly

45: Where am I right now?

my bed and i am so happy to be here 

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

my gf would be there 100%, if not her then i’d say my friend Stein but she’d prolly be more fucked up honestly. my friend Kate would be there too

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

louuuuuud unless i’m in a weird sad mood then i like it real soft

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

yeah but hopefully i’ll get my fucking act together and move out within a year but i’m still kinda figuring everything out for the time being

49: Am I excited for anything?

idk honestly i have nothing to look forward to coming up anytime soon so that sucks a lot. probably my best friend’s 21st which i think is in a few weeks?? and this music fest a good friend and i are going to at the end of this month

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

yeah my good pal Joe and also my brother and my friend Brendon too but him and i haven’t talked in a while so :/

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

this is emo as shit

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

today i hugged like four people!!!

53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

i’d be so upset and i’d break up with her and be miserable for a long while after that

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

yeah there’s one

55: What is something I disliked about today?

uhh probably that i was feelin sick and on edge just generally all day. bc it was really puttin a damper on my mood

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

i’d really love to meet Ellen Degeneres

57: What do I think about most?

prolly about how i am a useless dum dum and not to sound edgggyy but i question like....... my purpose too often lately 

58: What’s my strangest talent?

talent? i don’t know her

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

i’m terrified of being vomited on. not vomit in general necessarily but it getting on me is one of the most disgusting things to me lol

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

lil bit of both but i’m better at the behind the camera stuff

61: What was the last lie I told?

told my grandma i was single bc i don’t wanna tell her i am gay n have a girlfriend even though she’d forget in like two minutes lol

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting but i’m not a big fan of either

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes!!!!!!!!!

64: Do I believe in magic?

no

65: Do I believe in luck?

sure

66: What’s the weather like right now?

2 hot

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

milk and honey by rupi kaur

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

tbh i love it

69: Do I have any nicknames?

elly, gaylord, dad, that one ginger

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

probably the one time i fell off my razor scooter while goin speedy down a hill and tryna show off and got scars all over my body

71: Do I spend money or save it?

been tryna save but put me in an h&m or a forever 21 or a thrift shop and it’s all gone. i love clothes that are inexpensive 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

yeah i have an empty victoria’s secret bag on my desk

74: Favorite animal?

i like bunnies and grizzly bears

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

talking to my gf and crying probably lol it was a rough night

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

oooooo i could make a petty joke here but i won’t

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

greek tragedy // the wombats

78: How can you win my heart?

make time for me and show me i’m important to you

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

“u know she dead”

80: What is my favorite word?

serendipity

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

i’d probably just start crying and everyone would stop listening

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

yeah one of my cousins murdered someone lol i am pretty sure he’s in jail but i don’t know anything about him or if he’s even still alive honestly

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

idk i’m pretty open

86: What is my current desktop picture?

some mountains lol it’s one of the Apple preset ones

87: Had sex?

yeah

88: Bought condoms?

yeah 

89: Gotten pregnant?

no

90: Failed a class?

nearly but no

91:Kissed a boy?

nah i’ve never wanted to really 

92: Kissed a girl?

yeah

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

yeah

94: Had job?

yep i work at a froyo shop

95: Left the house without my wallet?

yeah

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

probably at some point when i was young but not anytime recently

97: Had sex in public?

yeah lol

98: Played on a sports team?

i was on a soccer team for a while as a kid and i hated it

99: Smoked weed?

not yet but i’d like to try it at least one time someday

100: Did drugs?

no and i am not interested in trying any other drugs besides weed

101: Smoked cigarettes?

no

102: Drank alcohol?

yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

nah

104: Been overweight?

no

105:Been underweight?

for most of my life i have been lol and i finally got to a healthy weight and now i’m back to being underweight

106: Been to a wedding?

yeah a few

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yeah

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yeah but not any time recently bc i don’t have the motivation/attention span to sit through a movie or TV show anymore

109: Been outside my home country?

no but i’d really like to 

110: Gotten my heart broken?

yeah

111: Been to a professional sports game?

no and i was invited to one recently but i had work :(

112: Broken a bone?

no

113: Cut myself?

yeah

114: Been to prom?

yeah

115: Been in airplane?

yeah

116: Fly by helicopter?

no but i’d really like to

117: What concerts have I been to?

soooo many. i’ll try and name em. trans siberian orchestra, panic! at the disco, imagine dragons, twenty one pilots, two door cinema club, the weeknd, melanie martinez, catfish and the bottlemen, halsey, of monsters and men, walk the moon, eric clapton, paul mccartney, glass animals, a$ap rocky, drake, the chainsmokers, foo fighters, vance joy, the strumbellas, the front bottoms, kendrick lamar, the wombats, AWOLNATION, ben rector, we the kings, the ready set, the summer set ??? i think there’s some i’m forgetting but that’s most of em. i go to so many. i am also seeing saint motel, cage the elephant, weezer, passion pit, mac miller and MGMT this summer!!

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yaaaaa most of my crushes have been n i’m datin a girl so

119: Learned another language?

i took four years of spanish and i’m taking another spanish class in the fall!! i was always real good at it

120: Wore make up?

yeah

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

no i lost it when i was 19

122: Had oral sex?

yeah

123: Dyed my hair?

nah it’s naturally red and pretty and i don’t really wanna ever dye it. i’m probably gonna dye my eyebrows tho they’re too light and i’m tired of always fillin them in

124: Voted in a presidential election?

yes this last one which was exciting until hilary lost

125: Rode in a police car?

yes

126: Had a surgery?

no

127: Met someone famous?

yes

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

not like legitimately but yeah i’ve gone through someone’s page out of curiosity before

129: Peed outside?

yeah

130: Been fishing?

yeah it’s sorta boring imo though

131: Helped with charity?

yeah i helped my mom with this organization she was a part of where homeless people could come and paint and make art and i helped her at a few of their shows. it is one of my favorite organizations and i met some really beautiful people there

132: Been rejected by a crush?

yeah he liked me too but he was figuring things out and later that year came out to me as gay and then like two years later i realized i’m kinda super gay too so it all worked out in the end

133: Broken a mirror?

no

134: What do I want for birthday?

to be with people i love