#i shouldnt have said anything in therapy.

[lilgynt]

okay i am hilarious for being the only kid to take up my moms threat of kicking us out as far as i know like cmon. cmonnnnnnnn.

[f4y3w00d5]

This case is making me so fucking angry. theyre using common transphobic language, and also theyre not even HIDING their BLATANT FUCKING TRANSPHOBIA-

Wanna see the poster that made me aware of this current bullshit going on?

The second paragraph. 'Roxy Tickle is a man that wants to be a woman.' Okay, well a simple google search says shes transgender. Going a bit more in depth? She has done Three years of hormone therapy and gender reaffirmation surgery. Like this isnt a transgender woman who has done nothing to change her identity, she's got surgery and 3 years of hormone therapy! And looking more into it? She has said;

"I am now legally a woman.

“I am already allowed to have a female gendered passport thanks to the letter from my GP confirming that they are treating me.

“I only have one step left - to update my birth certificate to say that I’m female.

“I needed two medical specialists saying they have seen my genitals and they both needed to sign a form in the presence of a JP.

"These are the most extreme levels of identity proof I’ve ever come across – to have to show your genitals to an MD is embarrassing to prove who you are. The documentation has all now been completed and I will mail it this weekend."

That was all 4 years ago. 7 years of this shit now. (as of today, april 11th, 2024)

And the poster still refers to her as a he?

And thats the picture they use. Now heres a better one.

That was deliberate. They used an unflattering photo of her, and a very flattering one of Sall, just to try and tip people to Salls side. Common marketing ploy.

More research shows that she now has her birth certificate identifying her as female.

And this isnt enough?

By her logic, shouldnt a trans man be allowed on giggle, no matter how far through transitioning they are, purely because they were born female? I get the feeling that she would say no. This is simply blatant transphobia. Personally, I cant do anything, being a minor. I'm not sure how far this case is along, seeing as it started 2 days ago.

But I simply cant let this slide. When I saw it this afternoon it made me so fucking angry.

This case could change a lot of things. Make a lot of changes that make everything far worse for non cis gendered people, potentially influencing things world wide

[poraphia]

Halloooo ^^ ..

I read a lot of ur stories and now Im in love with fictions :3 (might need therapy cuz of it but nvm that)

U an amazing writer <3

(Im pretty new to Tumblr so extremely sorry if this ends up where it shouldnt be or smth like that lol)

But anywaaay , Can I pls request a Wilbur Soot angst fic :D ?

Im going thru THAT phase rn so anything would be awsome really ..

Maybe a fight (unintentionally) breaks out between Wilby and reader and Wilby accidentally raises his voice and reader gets scared ? I know its a cheesy story and people might'a written before but I barely find Wilbur angst fics anymore :(((

Anyway , Thank u so much .. U dont have to write any of this if ur uncomfortable .. Hope ur doing okay :> .. Take care n' bye :D

"You’re Being Too Loud."

➵ PAIRING! cc!stressed!wilbur x stressed!reader

➵ CREATING! 10.12.23 | 1444 words

➵ CONTAINING! angst to comfort, wilbur is ignoring reader, reader lowkey has attachment issues, reader sensitive to loud noises, wilbs is overworked

➵ SAYING! hiii @toastyliltoasts41 welcome to tumblr! sorry for the late late response but i hope you enjoy :) personally going thru this myself especially w so much work ive been doing recently and also im noise sensitive (literally walk around with noise canceling headphones all the time). thank u for all the nice words!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

I slipped off my shoes and placed them near the doorstep. My socks glided against the furnished planks as I slid to our shared office. I dragged my backpack behind me, feeling the weight of my laptop, notebooks, and textbooks. Once I made it to the room, I placed my bag on the chair and unpacked all my belongings onto my desk.

Today was too exhausting, and the one thing I dreaded doing right now was to open my laptop and be faced with more work. Instead of taking my laptop with me, I grabbed my phone and dragged myself out of the office and into the bedroom.

After changing into my loungewear, I snuggled myself into silk sheets, shivering a little from the cold fabric wrapping around my body. Ignoring the chill, I held up my phone with both of my hands and swiped open the messaging app to text my boyfriend. I glanced at the past messages, realizing that Wil hasn’t responded to any of my messages from this afternoon. The last time he texted was this morning when was telling me what time he would come home. Sighing, I typed in another message in hopes that this time he would respond.

“Hey, I’m home now. Too tired to cook food today. Let’s order something when you get home? <3”

I clicked send before clicking off my phone and placing it on the nightstand. My eyes fluttered close, and slowly, I drifted off to sleep.

I woke to the sound of footsteps clicking against the ground. With my hands I pushed my body up to examine the noise. From the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a familiar tall figure headed toward the office. A small smile formed on my face as I carefully got out of bed.

My bare freet pressed against the cream colored carpet. I wandered around the hallway before finding the office door slightly ajar. Through the crack I saw Wil hunched over his computer. His sweater’s sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and his fingers hastily clicked against his keyboard. Quietly, I approached him from behind, throwing my arms around his shoulders and hugging him close.

Wil quietly hummed in response. I titled my head, pecking his cheek, but he didn’t react and instead his eyes stayed glue to his screen. My eyebrows slightly furrowed, but nonetheless, I continued hugging him.

“Hey, sweetheart.” I mumbled in a croaky voice.

“Hey,” he replied blankly.

“Did you see my texts earlier today?”

“Uh huh,” He said absently. “I saw the message after I ate though. Sorry.”

I felt my chest tighten a little, hurting at his absence. All I wanted in the moment was a hug and a conversation about each other’s day, but instead, he was absorbed in his work and couldn’t even make the effort to look at me.

“Wil, can we talk?” I asked.

He slightly shook his head. “No, not right now, honey. This video has to be out by tomorrow and one of our editors hasn’t been feeling well so I took up the work.” He explained briefly.

“But you’re already busy working at the studio…” I mumbled.

“I know, but I can finish this up by tonight. Just give me some time, please.” He requested. My heart skipped a little, feeling like a dog that had been put aside for a brand new puppy.

“Wil, you haven’t talked to me all day. Could we at least just have dinner together?” I nearly pleaded.

“I already said I just ate, (y/n).” Wil said rather sternly. “Please can I just finish my work?”

“But I want to spend time with you.” I said, speaking up a little bit. I unwrapped my hands away from him and stepped back a little. He turned his chair a little to face me with one of his hands still on the keyboard. He looked up at me, a stressed but furrowed expression on his face. I wrapped my arms around myself, hugging my own chest.

“I want to spend time with you but you’re basically prioritizing this work over me.” I said again. “I understand that sometimes you have too much work. I understand that. But we haven’t been spending time with each other for the past few days and it’s driving me crazy. I just want to relax with you, Wil.” I bit the insides of my cheek. Wil, in turn, sighed and rubbed his nosebridge.

“I’m not prioritizing work over you, (y/n), I’ve just been busy lately and this argument is just stressing me out even more.” His words were spat out like venom.

“Which is why I’m asking that we just spend time together! This isn’t just for me, but it’s for you too.” I threw my hands up, frustrated. “Wilbur, we can relax together! You’re acting like this isn’t stressing me out either!”

Wil got up from his seat now. His tall figure nearly towered over me, making me slightly cower. “I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING RELAX RIGHT NOW, (Y/N)! I HAVE SHIT TO DO!”

I stepped back, nearly stumbling. Without realizing, tears were running down my burning hot cheeks. The air went cold and I felt this hallowing emptiness surrounding me. A ringing was bouncing in my eardrums and goosebumps ran through my arms and legs. He looked down at me, eyes wide as if he just realized what words escaped his lips. Before he could say a word, I walked out of the office and back into bed, slamming the door behind me.

I jumped into the mattress and buried my face deep under the sheets. I quietly sobbed into the fabric, not caring for the tears darkening the silk. It didn’t take but a couple minutes later to hear the creaking of the door and soft footsteps approaching the bed. I lied still under the covers as I felt the mattress dip from a newfound weight.

Wil sat there for a while. His knee shook a little, making a tiny thumping noise against the floor. I was turned away from him with his lower back lightly pressing against the heel of my foot.

“(y/n)..?” He softly called out for me. “Are you awake..?”

I shifted a little, moving my foot away from him to let him know I was listening. He sighed with his leg coming to a stop.

“(y/n), I’m sorry. I—I’ve just been really stressed, but that gives me no right to start yelling at you. And me being really busy has been taking away the time with you.” He paused a little bit, presumably licking his lips. I still didn’t have the courage to move. Instead I laid still, not daring to move. “I’m really sorry, (y/n).” He apologized again.

A deep sigh huffed from my nostrils before I sat up, letting the sheets cascade off my body. He turned his head to look at me, his feet still planted on the ground. I looked into his eyes, seeing the pained looked deep in those irises.

“Y-You know I don’t like loud noises.” I croaked out, my voice cracking with my words. He slowly nodded, bringing his legs up on the bed to fully face me. “And I really don’t like it when you yell. Please, I really just wanted to spend time together.”

“And we will spend time together.” He grabbed my hands and cradled them in his. “I’ll message Elodie right now if she could finish the work. But right now, it’s going to be me and you together, okay? We can maybe catch up on our show and I’ll order some food for you, okay?” He reassured, rubbing his thumb against the back of my hand. “Maybe I’ll steal some fries from you every once in a while.”

I giggled a little. “Noooo! Get your own food!” I whined, lightly pushing his shoulder. He chuckled in response before wrapping his arms around me, pulling me close to his chest. I wrapped my arms around his torso in response, breathing in his scent.

“I just missed you, Wil, you know that…” I softly whispered. He nodded, running his fingers through my hair.

“I missed you too. I promise I do.” He whispered back. His voice was low and deep but he made sure to maintain his volume. It was soothing, something I could fall asleep to,

and most importantly,

it wasn’t loud.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

a / n ~ hope you enjoyeddd notes of all kind are super duper appreciated! if you wanna be in a taglist or an anon my inbox is always freee :D ALSO SURPRISE!! TWO ONESHOTS IN ONE DAY I AM ON A ROLLLL

[allamericansbitch]

I know you've already said this but it really really does show how rampant casual ableism is, and how despite "mindfulness" and "wellfulness" and "self-care" being so mainstream these days, most people don't actual understand anything about mental illness, there's no understanding that being depressed and/or anxious does not equate to HAVING depressing and/or anxiety, and people who've experienced the former think it's perfectly okay to trivialise, romanticise, and aestheticise the experiences of people who are actually mentally ill and it is not okay. Like there is a massive difference between being sad a relationship ended, and having your psychiatrist/psychologist persistently remind you to go to the psych hospital emergency room if you feel like offing yourself too much! Stop acting like it's the same thing! It is not the same thing!

YES thank you. the tiktok-ification of mental health (or just social media in general tbh) to water down mental illnesses into thinking anxiety = being nervous and depression = being sad is just so dangerous and how casual it is to be using these serious words like 'manic', 'insane', 'delusional', etc is troubling. electroshock therapy is not something that should be lightly displayed on a stage as subtle, passing choreography.... it shouldnt be casual period.

[seeingteacupsindragons]

hi, im the person whos sent you those rude asks trying to get a reaction, but after thinking about it, id like to apologise for my behaviour. i realise now how immature and ridiculous it was, and that i was just trying to get negative attention because i was bored and too miserable to be able to have any better form of interaction with anyone. but whatever immature reason, i know taking out my personal issues on a stranger i found mildy annoying is really bad behaviour and i shouldnt have done it. im really sorry if i caused any genuine offence when i criticised your writing of which i know nothing about, and im sorry for all those rude and immature and completely random asks i kept spamming you with just because i was bored. it wasnt personal or anything it was sort of random and i dont even know why i did it, it sounds nuts when i think about it. ill stop doing all this rubbish and leave you alone from now on, i wont even do it to anyone else. i just wanted to say that i recognise now that im in the wrong and was acting really rubbishly

Anon...

Honestly, it became apparent almost immediately that you were trying to goad me into giving you attention because you weren't getting any and you were likely jealous I have figured out how to get attention, and...honestly...

That made it easier to keep ignoring you. Because it was so incredibly apparent that what you were doing was entirely about you being upset and jealous and not having the emotional maturity to admit that or do anything productive about it. It wasn't interesting, or relevant to me.

I've never sent anonymous hate mail to anyone (or signed hate mail), but I definitely had a lot of very unstable years where I reacted very badly in social interactions and behaved honestly embarrassingly for the same reasons. You said that you find actually admitting things and liking attention is embarrassing...but I would rather be embarrassed by that than embarrassed about lying to myself.

It's social media! We all want interaction and attention!

But the thing is, making friends and getting attention is often rooted in being positive and loving and affectionate about things. I have so many followers on here because I talk about the things they love with ardent passion. I had a huge surge of followers recently for making a positivity post for original fiction writers encouraging people.

One of your first messages to me told me I don't respond to hate mail "normally" because I actually express genuine hurt when people are mean to me. But that is a normal human reaction. And you know that. I have always been a very open, genuine, and earnest person, so I cannot relate to wrapping yourself in hate, but I spent many years wrapped in anger and jealousy, and the thing that got me out of it was therapy.

Seriously. Therapy, and psychiatric medication. Because my personal brain chemistry means I need that.

And I encourage you to also seek out some kind of professional medical help, because you seem so genuinely miserable and directionless in your life that you need help finding a direction to pursue.

So I genuinely hope you do do that and it helps make you a happier person who hopefully doesn't go into social spaces intentionally poisoning things and making other people miserable because you are miserable. That's what you're doing right now.

But you can also choose to make social spaces more heartfelt and welcoming and warm and kind by adding that to the environment instead. It's a lot of work, sometimes, but it's worth it to me and to people in general.

And you did still hurt my feelings, even though I knew it had nothing to do with me. That's the cost of how you're behaving: you hurt people, and they don't like you very much or want to interact with you, and then you end up lonely and ignored because you're not acting like the kind of person anyone wants to pay attention to.

I'm glad my inbox will return to normal. I hope you find a great hobby that has absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever.

[c0rpseductor]

bitching and moaning post

i know the satanic panic was completely nuts and that nothing that was alleged in it actually happened in any way. i still hate seeing it mentioned so much bc so many people will bring up fucking false memory syndrome foundation talking points in response, like "they implanted false memories in kids to make them say this shit, remember that it's what happens to everyone who says they had a 'repressed memory' and that's always how they 'retrieve' these things in therapy, DID came out of the satanic panic and it's not a real diagnosis and the people who claim to suffer from it...uhhh idk made it up for attention and weren't really abused i guess!"

it's so fucking exhausting. i know i shouldnt have looked in the tags of that post and it's my own fault for upsetting myself. i just wish people wouldn't say shit like this. i hate feeling like nobody would believe me about what abuse i suffered in my family just because i had such difficulty with recall. like yes it is possible to forget parts of a trauma and still have it affect you that's why it's part of the diagnostic criteria for fucking ptsd. not everyone who claims to have forgotten something is making shit up or talking about like. remembering things bc of fucking hypnosis therapy. when i was in therapy most of what happened was me describing fucking actual abuse that was happening in my family right then and having nobody give a shit bc Kids Are Dramatic. nobody was trying to make me think i was abused because nobody listened to me about the abuse i was even able to articulate was happening.

and like. saying DID was fucking invented by the satanic panic isn't even fucking Accurate, but i'm just so exhausted of hearing it anyway. like ok so clearly the reason ive had all these symptoms since i was very young before i even understood DID was not "for television" (bc i legitimately thought it was like, a fictional parody of schizophrenia) is because um. ?????. yeah. no youre right when things happen to me i should definitely accept that i can't tell what they are and listen to the people who tell me that i'm stupid and nobody has ever abused me and that i can't ever trust anything i remember. you guys definitely have my best interests at heart. my dad was innocent! it was all a sexual fantasy just like freud said! nice men would never do those things! like. ugh. i just hate it i hate that i doubted myself all my life and felt so miserable going through abuse alone and being gaslit and people are STILL FUCKING DOING THE GASLIGHTING!!!!! bc they dont like. know what actually happened during the satanic panic and think loftus was right. everyone who was involved in the false memory syndrome foundation should be shot.

like. i dont want to question myself anymore. i dont want my first thought whenever i have flashbacks or get upset to be "i'm making this up. if i remember something bad it was imaginary, because nobody can forget and remember something bad. it must be satanic panic pseudoscience, somehow." why do some people think they're doing a service to survivors when they trot this shit out. idk.

i know it happened. long after i began remembering stuff my mom has alluded to my dad doing the exact same things to her, having the exact same attitudes and patterns and everything, and i think the only reason i remember anything more violent than she reports is because he understood i was forgetting things and could get away with doing stuff to me that he couldn't with somebody who would remember it. like, everything i remember is horrible, but it makes complete sense and is totally possible and doesn't contradict anything about like...my parents or my life before i began remembering or just basic things like "can someone physically do this." like my dad wasnt an evil cult wizard he was just a normal thug and rapist. idk. i just really did not need to expose myself to this stuff and it's my fault i did but. ughhh

[yuukei-yikes]

Here’s a Harutaka ask for you! Do you think they’d get married? If yes what do you think their wedding would be like? Also I hope you feel better soon!

HIII if it isnt the little guy i watched slowly get into kagepro. whatsup. how are u holding up being into kagepro. ALSO THANK U im already a lil better i ate 1 single boiled egg and now im laying in bed

yes haruka and takane 10000% get so married. i have this silly headcanon that haruka is begging her from day 1 to get married because IDK he's just excited about being alive and takane liking him💗💗💗 and maybe he is also terrified of her changing her mind abt liking him and for some reason thinks getting married will solve that feeling of feeling not good enough for her💗💗💗 wait who said that. but takane's all like No haruka we're only like 20 and he's like AUUUUGGGHHH!!! fine

honestly its a hc born from a bit in the novels (im not sure u read them) where haruka says man i wish takane stopped swearing so much she's gonna have a hard time finding a husband💔💔💔 ITS SO FUNNY TO ME idk likeeee since he knew he'd die, he never imagined being an adult at all. this is more in the territory of the early twenties crisis he apparently has post str i guess. which is also hilarious.

i think haruka's like... he thinks of marriage of this weird alien thing bc as a teen he wont even entertain the idea of dating or anything bc HES DYING like he literally shoots down the acknowledgement of his feelings for takane BECAUSE he is dying. he's like man whats the fucking point if im just gonna die this sucks ASS

so marriage. well it's an adult thing. and he turns out to be alive!! and takane REALLY LIKES HIM FOR SOME REASON!!! and he's like WELL WERE ADULTS ARENT WE WHY THE HELL SHOULDNT WE GET MARRIED???? takane's like because we're BARELY adults like BARELY. and also IN SO MUCH NEED OF THERAPY. and haruka's like i dont see how that's related🙄🙄🙄 whatever takane ur such a bore🙄🙄🙄 its just a silly argument they laugh and tease each other about *rips hair out* theyre so CUTE AUGGHHH

yeah they do eventually get married. not IMMEDIATELY though but still probably rly young. like before their mid twenties young. LOL!!! as for a wedding i dont think they'd actually care about one??? because haruka and takane are really introverted ppl and being the center of attention mortifies both. well takane's used to attention bc streamer slay but its not. the same. like that's different BASICALLY i dont think takane would care to throw money in something like this and haruka is also like whatever man just sign the paper so i can officially be ur boywife. they still probably have like a little get together with the dan though. maybe they dont even tell them they're like OH BY THE WAY WE DID SOMETHING FUNNY TODAY wjxnoefuoendoefundkc call shintaro&ayano on the phone like can u come with us to sign as our witnesses. and shintaro and ayano are like WITNESSES OF WHAT? erm. haruka&takane engaged for exactly 14 hours when haruka asks takane to marry him for the millionth time and this time she's like uhhh. yeah alright👍

thats my harutaka wedding hc. that theyre too lazy to have a wedding🫡 ayano mourns it so much she's been like wedding planning her whole life for her siblings. seto&mary get ultra married as soon as theyre 18 im not getting into those hcs i already did but ayano goes so crazy with it. and then haruka&takane are next (tho years later) and ayano's like WH?? BUT IM?? SUPPOSED TO PLAN ANOTHER WEDDING????? WHAT DO U MEAN U WONT MAKE ONE???? and theyre like 🤷‍♂️ maybe she forces them and she organizes it alone and forces them to kiss in front of everyone and only then stops being annoying. sorry i love crazed wedding planner ayano

[theindo]

Long and deep inhale. I am deciding to go on a long rant/ramble/vent/whatever. Its all over the place. I dont know.

IM. I???? ?? I just??? So. Me and my dad had a conversation yes. God, I barely even have the energy to type this out. Anyways. another long conversation about how i should go out and do things. About how i say im gonna do stuff and then dont. Whatever. ""i dont know what to do" is the same thing youve said your whole life". Ok . Yeah . I guess so . And what do i do???? I?? Dont know????? I dont know where change begins. Do i want to change? I'll have to, eventually. I fantasize about having friends, and then i find every single way to get annoyed at any one who wants to talk to me in person. I have like, 0.5 people i enjoy talking to in real life. And like. 2 people i enjoy talking to online. Though i talk to way more. Why am i so selfish? Im not lonely anymore. I should be happy. But instead im just angry. Angry at everyone. Yes, i should go outside and i do want to, but how am i supposed to when being looked at enrages me or fills me with fear or dread. How do i do anything when im so damn scared and so damn tired. I dont wanna go to therapy. I dont think they'll help. I dont know if i want help. I want to be told what to do. I want specific and exact orders from someone i like or something. I dont. Think i want to BE. I dont wanna make decisions or make mistakes or get up or anything. I know thats what life is about. But maybe i dont want a life. I didnt ask to be here. But i cant just kill myself. Thats bad. And people will miss me. But nobody in person.. theyre all in the internet, and that makes me sad. Why cant i form bonds in person the way i do online? Im confused. I hate being looked at and i hate being percieved and i hate being noticed and i HATE being touched and i hate not being able to leave and i just. My internet friends say im full of love, but this is a lie. Im filled with fear and hatred and greed and envy. I hate BEING. when i was small, i would daydream about death. What was it like to die? I asked my mother when i was still allowed to be with her (i miss her), what the least painful way to die would be. I was around 6 or so. Maybe i was born this way. Maybe its all in my head. I dont care. I wanna disappear. I hate responsibilities, but i hate being useless. I cant even say what im thinking in these posts sometimes because i KNOW my thoughts are completely backwards. I SHOULDNT think this way. God, why am i so trapped in my own head? I want to do shit, i promise i do, but its like. Theres never the perfect conditions. Im waiting and im waiting and ive forgotten what im waiting for. "What makes you happy?" "What do you like to do?" You know what I like to do? I like to daydream about my hyperfixations and see things about them. Thats it. Thats the only thing i like to do. Its why i draw and its why i live. Im thinking there should be more, but what more is there? This is all i want to do!! Im fine about fishing and drawing and reading i guess. But like. I get distracted easily. I long for what truly makes me happy, but what truly makes me happy is such a temporary bliss that i know will fade and i know is stupid and i know is a waste of time. Nobody fucking cares about the thousands of scenarios i have stuck in my head about the same character each time. Maybe i need to grow up. Im being lazy, immature. I have all these responsibilities, missed texts and school work, and the mere thought of it exausts me. Nothing is enjoyable!!! I wanna sleep forever.

Saw tjis video. Thought it was relatable. Whayever. My head hurts. As always. I feel myself slipping sometimes. I think to myself "ill be fine tomorrow", but that tomorrow never comes. Its the same thing. Yelling at myself in my head. Stuck. I dont want this. I dont want help either. I dont want help because i never wanted to be fucked over in the first place. Cant we pretend its all normal? Cant we dream for a while longer. Why must i get up. I annoy everyone else to im sure, just as i annoy myself and just as everyone else annoys me. I fear death but i rot in my own living body. Im basically dead. Why did i have to be here. I want to exist in my memories and in my dreams. Why can't my mother hold me again. Its all unfair. I have so many questions, but every answer just brings more. Im tired. The purpose of life is to learn and discover and experience. But im tired of learning. Im tired of this complex game. Theres too much. Too much all the time. It hurts. My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My feet hurt. My eyes hurt. Fuck man everything hurts me and theres nothing i can do about it. I dont like this. I want to sleep. Whatever.

Its been years. Its been a long 6 years. Its been a long 14 years.

I asked my dad, since he didnt like my halloween costume idea, what HE thinks I WANT to be. He said "normal?". I had to clarify i meant for halloween. Why CANT i be normal. Why must i be weird and different. Not even on a societal level. Other people are different from me because IM different. Other people being different from me makes me not like them. I cant blame others for feeling the same way about me. I miss being friendly to everyone and grateful for every interaction and not being so filled with hate and anger. What do i do. I have to do something. I dont wanna get sent to a ward or something.

[ventilation4thesoul]

im feeling pretty good today! i wish i felt up to going out, or able to smoke :( but other than that im doing good.

Po texted me again this morning, he asked how i was doing and if i planned to go to work. this time seemed more caring than the other one, like not in a bad way tho- like the first one he cared, he wanted to make sure i was ok. but there was a lot of ristraint from both of us, no "i love you" or anything. just unspoken. but this time he asked me more than juts "are you doing any better today?"

he asked "Hey, how are you doing? are you staying home from work today?" i gave a longer answer too. He actually responded, which i didnt epect since he didnt the day before, but he said "Be safe. I love you and i miss you." which made me feel really good. I miss her a lot. I said it back of course. im glad we can have that at least.

i have therapy tomorrow morning, idk what we'll work on specifically. I kinda want to bring up DBT since i plan on ordering the workbook on it today. Or at least talk about how defensive i get at the first sign of criticism from a partner specifically. that kinda over-dependence that can come from BPD FP's. idk tho! who can? My weight is dropping really fast, and its weird bc even tho i still have a big belly, im getting smaller in a lot of other parts, and im noticing more boney-ness. Like my wrists and collar bone. i actually have a tiny collar bone dip now!!! and if you touch my sides you can feel my ribs, which is kinda crazy at how affirming it is??? idk. Im down to 207, my goal origonally was gonna be 200 but now i wanna aim for 195. thats only 10 pounds away, if i keep up my current routine i should be able to drop it by end of october hopefully. Thatd be really cool, then i want to drop to 185, and eventually 175. 150 + muscle is like... the dream tbh. but thats a LONG ways away if i can even keep shedding this weight. My food aversions are gettin even worse tho, and i think it has to do with the whole not really eating thing. even safe foods sound gross, or like i could only eat maybe 3 bites. I actually forced myself to finish my food for the most part last night, and i only ate maybe 3 bites of pasta, the handful of mixed greens, and the croissant. which i shouldnt have eaten, instead i should have taken more salad, but oh well. Im getting a lot better at this, and it makes me happy tbh. Im becoming more of the person i want to be.

[mreugenekrabs]

HEY LURKING EX: Let me remind you that you asked me to move hours away to another state away from my friends and family, and then cheated on me in my own bed in our apartment and continued doing it after i found out while lying about it until i had to move out in a weekend. and u used me that very weekend! like thats normal. I saw scratches on your back in the shower you joined me for! And continued to find evidence on your phone and even a gut feeling you were eating lunch w her on ur day off and left work early like a crazy person. Do you not remember how all of that broke me? Used my cat as ur own for clout with that Russian yoga cunt. Even with all I did through our teenage relationship and all u went thru this is not a small mistake or blip to blame on grief and it changed everything. And i may have in the past (years ago at this point) came to u for conversations i shouldnt have due to a trauma bond that lasted 6 years. that's over and i am now happy. it was a lapse in judgement that you care more than a surface level unlike my current partner. if you cared about me you'd see that and not post subtweets about 2016 memories and send an OLD song when i asked for new songs on my twitter for airbuds like that was some clever got em moment. leave me alone!! hope this helps do not contact me it has been since 2018 since anything was real and u fumbled. u dont even want this u are lonely!!! seek therapy the feeling is gone u just are lonely!!!!!!! PS I DID NOT LOOK AT UR TWITTER MY FRIENDS TOLD ME BECAUSE THEY LAUGH ABOUT HOW U TWEET ONLY FANS GIRLS DM ME ❤️ im done being nice and saying best of luck FORGET ME THANK U! I have said this already!!! I have never had love like I have now you should try it.

[axolotlclown]

unrelated to anything. but i would like to remind everyone that sometimes your therapist might be an idiot. they might have just barely passed through school. or they might be so caught up in their textbooks and DSMs that they stop listening to you. or maybe theyre so overworked that all their patients start to bleed together.

either way. if you are trying out therapy, your first few therapists might not stick. if youre just not connecting with your therapist, drop them.

and i know thats easier said then done. especially since the pandemic, therapists are filled to maximum capacity. my therapist isnt taking patients right now. he works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week. but if you have the option, you should consider it.

(us only) also your insurance legally has to cover your therapy. theres a 2008 parity law that requires insurance to pay for therapy services. you shouldnt have to get diagnosed with anything (experience).

also, the diagnostic and statistical manual is published by the american psychology association. meaning that that book has the american definitions of what a mental illness/disorder is and how its classified. other countries define and organize their stuff differently. while the dsm-5 is the current bible for psychiatrists (important for standardization, research, and insurance), everyday people shouldnt treat it as a bible. especially when were talking on an international scale.

careful on the self diagnosing though. half the time i see people diagnosing themselves with things they are simply not. and there is actual harm in that. good advice for one party can be bad advice for another. im not talking about autism or adhd im talking about personality disorders or maladaptive daydreaming disorder.

also you dont have to be autistic to follow advice for autistic people. you dont have to have adhd to buy a planner for people with adhd. use what works for you and dont stress about it.

anyway thats all of my grievances. i have aired them out for the mean time. i will now get back to studying.

[lilyfreshwater]

I usually agree with your takes but this one just feels so off to me. punz does not deserve a platform. he said slurs to his girlfriend and also never actually addressed or apologized for saying the t slur??? he also surrounds himself with freaks, which he has never challenged their beliefs. like I don’t think he deserves to die or anything, but he should not have a platform. he needs to be in therapy and off the internet.

ok first of all i didn't know about the t slur thing, and if like to get more info on that if possible. secondly, deplatforming/cancellation is something content creators have talked about a lot recently and one sentiment ive seen is that you can "cancel" someone on twitter but if their fans don't leave them then it's not really canceling. i don't watch punz. after this i definitely won't. but given the grayness of the situation i don't feel justified in telling someone they shouldn't watch him. if a punz stan feels strongly about it then by all means engage with other fans about why they shouldnt watch him, but ultimately he will still have a platform if his fans deem his apology acceptable. which i have a feeling they will

[halloweenrazorcandii]

I mean if you know me by now you should also know that I'm not in the best headspace either, therefore I've been getting over it whilst still being upset about it if this paragraph makes sense

i knew it was going to happen eventually I just never wanted to say anything,, I've known since the Eli era baby (a little less but I've still had suspicions)

what upset me was the "I wish I never met you guys" but honestly at the same time i was just "sure whatever you say" in an I honestly don't have time to entertain whatever this is so I don't care right now way.. and I didn't really care after for a bit

the couple of times me and Kevin talked after I didn't bother asking about you because, well if you wish you never met me then why would I //neu but by that point I was kind of over it and way overdue for a therapy appointment so

i talked to myself a lot about it after and I know I'm self aware, so yeah I guess I still cared about it even after.. it just baffled me how you said that knowing wasn't in a good headspace and I had to think back like. did I ever say that to you at one point when you spiralled (nono, genuinely I'm still thinking about it, because what prompted that)

I'm STILL not in a good headspace which is why this is lengthy and it's a thought-spill because I don't have the energy to sugar anything

all of this isn't in //neg btw,, like even after then I didn't have any //neg feelings towards you but more of my usual "it's whatever" things

I do not mind talking to you after this or whatever, and I apologize in advance if I seem a little more callous than I normally would

but if you still wish you hadn't met me we don't have to talk we can just keep doing whatever we were doing before //gen

most of this is rushed because I'm being pressured to do chores jfc

im dizzy and awaiting a trip to the hospital in questioned time and i didnt know if i should respond to this yet because it wouldnt seem serious but i want you to know that i am im just not in a physical or mental state to sound as genuine as posisble though i am geuine so i apologize for spelling mistakes and or questionable sentences that dont make sense whatever i say i dont mean to self cneter or try to justify i have half a mind for what im saying rn /srs/gen i dont know where to start i know youn arent in the best head place or place at all and i dnt know or remember what this happened for but it did happen gradualy so i guess itwas building up i physically nor mentally more than 85% of the time cannot control what ido when i outburst especially with influence i have a disorder it will not be helped and i cannot say that i will not outburst because i literally yk cannot help it because i am a different person when i outburst hence cause - bpd n bipolar / insensity - other things and im being so serious when i say this and i am so sorry for saying that or saying that i wish i never met you guys thats what i was feeling so i said it and i shouldnt have and i am sorry and words cannot describe how confused i am on how to apologize correctly but i did not mean it for the most part i will be honest sometimes i have sour feelings when i am ghosted or ignored - this attatchments built up over the course of many years and if its being taken away then i am irrational and that is mostly explanation for why im so frequently upset - more than 2 weeks later it is still object of outbursts this explanation is not meant to feel guilt it isjto give reason because maybe its needed i give warning not to speak to me if it will be an issue i give warningthat if my issues will be problem like they have been then js dont try because you dont haveto do that to yourself though probably all too scaredto admit im a backgrounder now and i shouldve left yuou all alone long ago and im so glad you have newer and better friends and seem to be making a good place here from my perspective it seems your better off if we branch off but thats not my choice i do hope you and the rest of whatever is left of that old group continue to grow and i again apologize about all of this and i have reason for shame andm i hope your a ltleast doin g better and having fun with everyone i still warn that js do whats bets fro yourself we arent close anymore nor related if you consider so it doesnt really matter abt my show i js wanted to make a point to poorly and breielfy i do recognize apologize and tell you you deserve good and all great and youve done so much for everyone and i hope you get better from here yeah idk what to say im kind of dizzy in the head rn but i do mean it wehn i say you deserve better and im sorry ijsdont know how to show it i wish i couldve made this better but mi blank i appreciate your codnsideration

[rippeds0cks]

5/27/2023

Im falling apart at the seams physically. My body cant keep up with all the pressure, stress, and work im putting it through. Its to the point where im taking ludicrous amounts of meds to keep it together. My body hurts so fucking bad from my muscles to my tendons to my bones im in pain all day. If i lose focus on whatever motor function im doing (using stairs, walking, running, fighting) i just collapse. Ive been dropping things cause the nerve damage in my hands is progressively getting worse. I deserve it though not only for being a piece of shit and failing those around me but just for my existence. My pops always told me growing up that “guys like us arent supposed to do well or live long” and i guess he was right cause im barely keeping myself in one piece. It’s ok tho cause im living for absolutely nothing right now. If i drop dead a couple people here n there will be sad but theyll soon forget and move on. I dont contribute anything to anyones life so its not like anything crumbles in my absence. Anyways every little detail ive ever known of my ex flooded back into my mind today in the gym and it left me fighting back tears and choking up while working out. Everything from how her old fursona back when she was a furry was a dutch angel dragon, how beautiful she looked everytime i saw her and her face lit up, the one time we were standing in the park at night and she kissed me and said “feels familiar”, how she always wanted to play apex or valorant, and most importantly as for now, how she used to make music. For shits and giggles i decided to go see if her music page was still up and it was. I decided to listen for old times sake and it reminded me of how i never told her how good i thought she was. I went straight to criticism and telling her how to improve it. Idk why im like that. Maybe cause its the way my parents were to me anytime i did anything i dont know. Its no excuse though. Dont get me wrong she still did rookie things like fill syllables with unnecessary curse words or make her vocals too low in the mixing process but its genuinely good music and ive been listening all day. Listening to the lyrics has made me realize how much i failed her. She placed a lot of emphasis and faith on me to help her or value her and i failed. And while my therapist would say something along the lines of “its not your responsibility to carry the burden of her happiness” i dont believe that to be the case at all. I think its something she placed in my hands trusting me and i failed. And that doesnt negate the insane way things ended between us. Her mother is still batshit fucking insane for the next level mental manipulation she did to my ex to make her mental state even more volatile than before. Idk. Maybe its my fault for leaving in the first place. Ive failed her every other way i cant not think i failed her by leaving and making those the only people she spent time around. Back when we first got together shes agree when her mother would say insane shit or treat her bad or her sister would bully her but by the end of it she flat out didnt think those things were happening. I just hope she got therapy like i begged her to so many times. Her ex best friend is a piece of shit though. Texting your best friends ex of almost 5 years the week after they have a nuclear break up confessing your unhealthy obsession from almost 6 years ago is disgusting. I was nice and all in my response because i thought my ex and her were doing it together as like a test of my character but i later found out it was just her disgusting ex best friend. And her reasoning as to why my ex shouldnt have gotten mad was “ive known you longer” no you dumb bitch youve known OF me longer. I didnt speak to you for 5 years you let this middle school crush go to your fucking head. I shared everything, heart and soul, with my ex for four almost 5 years and your disgusting selfish ass thinks you know me better cause we were locker mates in the 8th grade? Truly disgusting insane gross behavior. Anyways heres my exes music

[tears-of-boredom]

My room door has its hinges on my side so youd have to break the door to get in. I think i can hold my side if im awake. Im kinda paranoid. But i guess i have basis in that. I have a reason why i feel so stressed in this house. Even though i shouldnt. I should have no reason to have to keep a knife in my room to feel safe. And i think she doesnt see that i have reasons. I think that she thinks im just angry at her. I think she thinks i dont answer her because im mad at her. She thinks that i would want to keep my door closed when she comes in to talk because then the cats can get in. She thinks i care.

My sister sent me a text earlier. It was actually yesterday. We dont really talk to each other, just relay information when needed. She said that she wants for me to leave as well for the weekend so she and her friends can be totally alone. It wasnt in a rude way or anything. She said that she had noticed how closed off ive been for a while, and that shes pretty worried about me. That if there's anything she could help me with, she would. She said that she cant help if she doesnt know how to, and asked if i could respond. Then a hug sticker....

..........

......

Last year, I would've been so happy to get that message. I knew then that my sister cared about me, and that she would listen if I opened up to her...but it never felt right, it was always like i would be needlessly ruining her mood. That text read to me like a direct invation to share things. It read like I would make her day better by telling her how I've felt all this time.

........but...

I dont know, somewhere there was a tipping point...past that point, i dont feel redeemable, or frankly, like a person. Her words also mirrored mother's words pretty closely, so it makes me afraid that her other words would do that as well.

I feel like any help people will try to throw on me, will just go to waste. Not even the jokey "im employing people" excuse does anything for me anymore.

I needed saving when i was in fucking 2nd grade.

.....what if i got the wrong diagnosis....what if thats why none of the therapy or other aids work....i know that its impossible to fake an autism diagnosis, i know......i also remember how i still thought i was fine, how i was actively playing down every problem i had....whenever i stepped into the doctors room, i took on this persona....the good patient.......

........i just remember the red couches in every room.....in my head, i was just entertaining the adults.. they wanted to do all this to me, and me telling them i dont feel like it helps me, or that i dont see the point in it,, it didnt convince them. So i played along, while convinced i was alright, convinced from the start that none of it was going to help.....

...i was still bottling up all my frustrations, because if you ignore it, it goes away. Talking back will only lead to more conflict. I let the adults mispresent me, not like i cared, it wasnt going to work either way. Since the adults are better at knowing whats good for me, maybe theyre better at knowing me as well huh.

......i remember feeling really guilty, sitting in the waiting room and looking around. Seeing these other kids who had real problems. I felt like a faker. I wasnt supposed to be there.....

.....thats kind of how i feel about life..like im a faker, and that im not supposed to be here....

Last sunday, i was just asking the whole time in my head "why?", "was this your plan?", "did i do something wrong?", "is this what you had always planned, or did i make a choice that altered it?"......

..........

.......i wrote the tags before all the shit from my sister's text onwards..this wasnt supposed to be another one of these posts, just a quick "lol i hate it here"..... i hate it everytime i insinuate that i have trauma. I mean every. single. time. Its the same with any problem that i see as "real". I'll say i have something a couple times, but then the guilt catches up and i feel like ive been lying....its catching up from my "aspergers" diagnosis.....the fact that the diagnosis is called that makes me feel even faker.....i asked about it one time, about why they used the "outdated" term, and the reasoning was that "its just an older term for autism dont worry, it means the same thing"......

...........

......my fuel has kinda run out by now.....my tears have dried completely.....i dont know how else to end this....sorry for posting this. I know its shitty of me to say that and post it anyways, i dont know why i do this........

[sea-lilli]

Jax is upset right now because he was criticizing me having feelings around Jane. I had a trauma moment yesterday bc I found a gray hair and it triggered a ptsd moment for me, afraid of turning into my mom. Then, I came home and was still thrown off bc… ptsd moment. And we were talking all about how Jane was acting up last night trying to pick a fight. And jax is always like “oh I don’t think you realize your emotions have an effect on other people. I got anxious bc I knew you were in a bad mood and was on defensive looking for something with Jane and you. So I could shut it down.” Like it’s my fault for having any sort of negative emotion around Jane. Like seriously? Wtf? I’m supposed to just be happy all the time around her even if I’m not?

Then jax was saying about how he had feelings too that came up when I have feelings. But like, and I said this to him, those are HIS feelings to manage. And he’ll just start talking about how I’m a shitty person for having feelings bc it’s impacting him and he doesn’t know how to calm himself down. Like he needs support from me on his feelings so he thinks that I’m not giving him that support. But then he’ll tell me he doesn’t want me to do anything. It’s very passive aggressive. He’s not happy with something but doesn’t know what he wants me to change.

Honestly? I appreciate him comforting me when I’m sad etc but it’s never really that much. I don’t turn him into a therapist ever. And I feel that he wants me to do that with him. He does have feelings and I do dismiss them sometimes. But it’s like the same feelings over & over & over again. Ie. With his anxiety around illness /pills. It’s the same conversation over & over. I get bored doing it. These topics are things that he needs more than what I can provide. He needs a therapist. It shouldn’t be in depth emotional support helping him get to the bottom of all his issues. That should not be my expectation. So I don’t do it. I am his gf, not his therapist, and it wears me down for him to constantly put me in that role. Also, even if I were to offer more therapeutic support to him, he doesn’t listen to it. He doesn’t put it into action. So just… why? That feeling of frustration is why I don’t provide that level of support to him.

Also, I am tired of him constantly criticizing my behavior around jane. It is constant. He always says I bicker with her a lot, or that she tries to compete with me, etc. but he is sorta just now seeing that his child has problems too. Like he always wants to put it on me that something is wrong. He wants ME to make the perspective changes, me to change my behavior, but the thing is, I went to therapy for a long time. I might be wrong on some parts but I spent a lot of time learning to self reflect and analyze behaviors. I am amazing at it at my job. My actions are statistically less likely to be unhealthy than the person who didn’t do as deep work on themselves.

I’m just honestly exhausted. I feel like I’m pulling the family healthy and that’s great, so much progress, etc. but it’s exhausting. Esp when I’m doing all this work & jax is still like, “do more.” Like sometimes i wonder if we are fundamentally just incompatible. I wonder if we just have way too different views on parenting / self work. It’s coming out too lately in intimacy. I’m not wanting sex as much. I don’t always want to be vulnerable with him, bc I don’t always feel safe emotionally. And that is bc he criticizes my feelings a lot when I am sensitive.

Ie yesterday. He did give me a good passionate speech on how I’m not my mom, but he also was critical. WHY do you feel this way. You SHOULDNT feel this way. I was just playfully teasing. Etc.

How am I supposed to feel safe when he criticizes. Esp with him, I have these intense, powerful orgasms. Sometimes they bring up intense feelings and I want to cry. Or like I’ll get triggered during sex and have to stop and be held type of thing. And I don’t want to be criticized in that deep moment of intense feeling. So I just don’t want to. It doesn’t feel supportive.

I’ve also gotten to the point in our relationship where certain arguments I no longer want to have with him. Like around rayne, parenting, money. We’ve had them so much and it’s so much for me to break down for him that I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want want to talk about it with him bc it’s the same ass loop. He has to be separate and just learn on his own. When he’s ready and wants to, he will change. I don’t want to put effort into it.

And like, the gift thing today. He said he was going to stick to practical gifts with me. Like gift cards. No jewelry. No pjs. Bc he said I don’t wear them. And that’s cool but it’s like he’s no longer putting so much effort into the relationship. He doesn’t care to find great presents for me bc ? Idk? He’s tired too?

I don’t think he could do it all on his own tho. Like with Jane. I think the transition would have been too much. I think he’s not used to having her so much. I think if I left, he’d prolly flail a little bc I do a lot of helping her with behaviors.

I’m like, I want to stay with him and work stuff out. But I also think it’s a lot of therapeutic effort I put out & that the effort isn’t always matched. I appreciate having a space I can have feelings in & the growth that comes from this relationship. But I also am just exhausted from the growth. Esp that first year. It was hard to adjust to having a kid in my life, living half time with her, not getting triggered so much, different parenting philosophies, different money ideas, and living on grid again. It was hard. I just want to rest a little and not worry anymore.