#i should redo this at some point but i dont care enough to do so now

[opens-up-4-nobody]

:-P

[lumofoxx]

Reality is crushing in the middle of the night when I'm the only one awake. Have I outgrown myself? Life is hard and isolation is rough, but didn't I choose this? Every moment is a choice. The Universe pushes me in directions I don't necessarily want to go.

Oh, this is what we're doing now? I honestly just want to have fun and hang out with my friends, but most of my friends have left me, one way or another. Always behind, stumbling. Don't walk so fast. Did you hear me? I said don't.

I dont feel like I’ve had fun in ages. Not allowed. Life is rough. Sick sick sick. Too sick to enjoy things, always a burden dragging everyone down. I've burned out again. I live for other people but they don't care. I'm never enough. Do they even like me? I'm done.

I'm always fixing it, supressing. For what? They think I'm just like this. They don't know me, or maybe they know me well enough. I live for other people. I want them to be happy, happy, happy. I beat myself up when I let too much of me through. Because how could they be happy with me? Inconsequential.

I'm a black hole. I'll eat everything. Ill eat the sun. I dont get the joke. What's the point? I'm focusing on me now. This is me, this unpleasantness. Was i always like this? Do you feel bad yet? Do you feel guilty? I do. I can't remember about what but it's there at the back of my mind all the time. Are you having fun?

No. Me neither.

Focusing on me now. What do I want? I want what I had, but different. Different people, different choices. I don't want to lose what I have now. I like this outcome. My life is one bad situation after another. I'm tired of the hospital, actually. Let's keep it together. We've only got another month.

All finished. Just starting. Do you ever thinking about what could have happened if we were different people? I think about it all the time. I just want to have fun. I want to redo some choices.

Hey, are you free tomorrow? Talk to me. It's getting bad again and I can't break right now. I want to go for a walk at night and lie down in the street. Haha, do you rememberwhen we'd do that together? There's so many stars. Do you think they know me? Better than you do? Maybe. You might be onto something there. I know me best.

I stopped going to therapy again. No. I'm not feeling anything differently than usual. I don't think I'm a very optimistic person. You hate that. I've been fighting the depression for years. It's exhausting. Things work out, don't worry.

Hey, are you listening to me? We should get coffee more often. I haven't seen you in ages.

[angabby-zzz]

ok back on this point since i think i can make an okay thread on this now....

so ive mentioned the update about angel moving schools very early into elementary. tbh i dont have any idea for where specifically he went but it wasnt a very major move ig? (like this is all in the same state and like. city 👍)

and that isnt like very important on its own ig. like he was a pretty normal kid those first 2 yrs. like hes always been quiet and kinda shy but like. hes literally just 5 years old its ok. probably did have 1 friend or person he hung around with but the bond wasnt so strong since everyone kinda just knew each other or yk

but then jonah came along. and idrk what happened but basically they moved and ines n jonah were part of his family even more than before. or something. anyway yk. new school. hes like still shy and even more so cuz hes going to a new school. but its not bad. he would have a friend in 1st grade eventually but they split up. same thing happened in 2nd grade. either cuz of switching schools or being held back. but idk it was cool he didnt totally fit in but also he was still included enough and had someone to play with

but then 3rd grade is where it got like. Bad. he had no friends. something weird was going on with his ability to stay awake and focused. which didnt help at all when he started to struggle with what they were learning in class. so idk like it was just Not his year. like yk it wasnt Super Mega Ultra bad like suddenly he cant stay up for more than a few minutes or anything but you could definitely tell smth was up. at first it was like kinda chalked up to be some kind of early bloomer thing. like some kind of shift with how much sleep he needs or smth. which like was alr. but the focus and struggling was different. he would ask his mom for help at home obvie but when she would recommend asking his teacher for help as well instead of waiting he would just nod along but like. not do that anyway whether it be cuz he was too anxious to or he just like. forgot that was an option in the moment ig. not rlly helping that he also feels like. bad about how hes doing yet cant figure out whats wrong with him [this is when his interest in drawing kinda kicks off cuz he doesnt rlly care for reading but he does want to make some kind of thing to be there for him when he needs cheering up or distraction]

anyway yeah that happens and nothings rlly improving and his teacher eventually is like yeah no hes just not showing a very good grasp on anything etc etc id recommend he repeat the grade. which is like very shocking to irene cuz she didnt think it was That bad. but anyway she takes this in2 consideration. and like she has this conversation with angel about what hes been goin thru n how he shouldve said more about it and whatever. so he finds out abt how he'll be redoing 3rd grade and hes like so sad. and like idk that happens. then irenes like also were gonna do a sleep study 2 c if like that can tell us anything

which it like. totally does and turns out hes hashtag narcoleptic. n yeah idk. except irenes too like idk. afraid to get him on any kinda meds since hes so young so they just like work on managing his sleep schedule n stuff n like figuring out ways to keep him not so distracted n everything esp for when school rolls around again

[i should also mention those symptoms from his adhd are like kinda just thought to be from his narcolepsy? like oh you cant focus in class. its cuz youre tired i bet. your hand eye coordination isnt that good. its probably cuz your brain is too tired to work properly like that. idk. like it kinda works out since hea got the less active side of adhd]

so then yeahh it does and angels like. stressed out cuz hes gotta get used to new people and like doing everything over again. but also hes gotta lock in. which is kinda hard when you think about that first bit again. but anyway yeah

the first few days are like whatever. cuz you dont rlly do any type of work anyway since its. the first few days. but idk he still doesnt talk to people that much cuz he isnt sure how to insert himself into conversations or friend groups. or when he Does try to say hi it never goes that far and he ends up sidelined by people. so he just kinda stays alone still. which is like. fine ig. like great. but like eventually he does get tired of it and hes like so sad. like it finally sets in ig. hes like alone somewhere at recess and he kinda just has a tiny crying session (which gabby happens to see but also shes busy playing with her friends and like doesnt wanna make anything awkward or make a scene so she just like leaves him be. however this bit onwards she totally does have him like under her eye. like its not rlly tht hard when you have the same class together but yk. maybe she makes a note of trying to get on his team during activities. or asking more questions about work in class when she notices him looking kinda down. idk)

so idk. maybe 2 or 3 weeks go by since the first day. and idk maybe gabby and her friends have some kind of breaking up over something? not rlly sure what but it totally does have gabby rethinking her friend choices since this seems to always happen with her. but then she like remembers like hey yk what. that quiet boy has no friends. and now i have no friends. its like worth a shot ig. like maybe itd work out better having a small group instead.

so yeah she just goes up to him and is like Um hey. whatr u drawing 🙂 and he gets all like shy about it like oh.....um ..... nothing...... idk...... and shes like oh cool. ok. can i sit here. and hes like sure.

so they both just like sit awkwardly in silence for a bit until gabbys like sooo whats ur name. and angel tells her his name. and shes like cool im gabriela. and hes like cool. and idk ig they start to talk abt stuff like Sooo umm r u new i like havent seen you around b4 (like as in b4 that year) and angels like ☹️ oh no i just like. had to redo the grade idk. im not new. been here since 1st. and gabbys like oh cool 👍 ive always gone here.

n idk what else they talk abt its like very icebreaker type stuff. but then they have to go back to class and gabbys like wanna walk w me :) and angels like sure yeah :)) n yk

pre-posting edit of sorts im like sure theres more i couldve written or whatever but im not working on this thing anymore bruh. hope i didnt make any mistakes cuz im not rereading this 😭😭😭

i think maybe gabbys problem in elementary was less of a "people didnt like her" thing and more just... she wasnt one of the most social or "popular" kids and was a pretty awkward girl even if she was kinda cheerful and nice to people. like she was just. there ig. if it werent for angel she prob wouldve just alternated best friends every year or something cuz she Could fit in with the cool people just not for that long

[normal-thoughts-official]

you talk a lot about magnus and camille dynamic and how they started and all that great meta content that you know i love but here's a question that idk if you ever got: how long do you think they were together? bc i can't think of a specific timeline and personally i love the one you talked abt at some point how she was pretty much right after asmododo or something like that, so he went from one type of abuse into another... but how long was he there? was camille with him for 20 years? 80? 130? any theories?

ugh that's a complicated one because i don't really have an answer for that and i think about it often as well

altho i think you got confused about her being right after asmodeus, i definitely don't think she was. i mentioned it my post about the timeline to say that magnus COULDN'T have been born close to the 1800s because that would make it asmodeus and camille way too close and that can't be the case because it would imply camille is basically the only person he dated before alec doajsdoaj and we know that's not true cuz there's also other ppl like george and etc. it was more a point in favor of "early to mid 1600s" for his birth date

anyway! let's go through this. i mentioned in another post that i think he got together with camille right after george, and that i think george died around the middle of the US civil war, which lasted from 1861 to 1865. so let's say they got together around 1863. now, we have a few pieces of information:

magnus mentioned that he hadn't been with anyone for "almost a century" when talking to alec. i know i think magnus is time blind but he can't be TOO off here. that was in 2016 so that would make their breakup date be a little after 1916 if magnus remembers correctly

literally the only thing about the timeline in that time period that i can remember is that one picture there was in his file of magnus surrounded by girls at a party, which looked to be in the 20s to me. since camille was an abusive asshole probably sabotaging his every chance to meet people, that couldn't have been when they were together. so i'd say 1920 is like, the limit for when they could have broken up. it's up to you whether or not you think magnus would be jumping into his party animal role immediately after the breakup or if it would take some time for him to heal; personally i think both make sense (i think she made a huge number on him so it would make sense for him to take a while to get back to that kind of thing; on the other hand, a lot of people turn straight to being party animals after breaking up abusive relationships, especially because for so long abusers have kept them from doing anything fun. so both work imo) so it's up to you

conclusion: they broke up in 1920 at the latest, so the max you could go for is 80 years, if you go with a timeline where camille was right after george (george can't be after camille because magnus has had no relationships after camille, but there could have been a bigger gap between george and camille than i personally hc). it could still be less tho, because we literally have NO information whatsoever on what happened between 1861 and 1920. even if you go with "they broke up and magnus immediately went full party animal" (which is perfectly valid), it's also entirely possible that this happened in say, 1901 and that pic just happened to be from the 20s, years later. but i also don't think it could have been a lot earlier than 1901 because magnus said almost a century, implying less than a century between the year they broke up and 2016. and while i do think that any immortal would lose track of time after a while and mingle years and decades together, nevermind adhd time blind icon magnus bane, if they had broken up in, say, 1880, magnus would remember that over a century has passed, if anything because so much has changed since then. so i think for him to say that the breakup should have happened in the 20th century at least

so that's the analysis from what we've seen in the show. personal opinion! i think 80 years makes sense, but is a bit much. it makes sense because there does seem to be a pretty obvious gap in magnus' file from the 1860s to the 1920s and then it goes back to having many pictures of him, and that "disappearance" makes sense in the context of him being in an abusive relationship (which limits your interactions and going outs by a lot). it does seem to be a bit much because magnus is at max 400, so, if they had been together 80 years, that would have been 20% of magnus' life spent with camille. or 1/5. added with all the time with asmodeus, it seems to be... a bit much dioadsoaijd and like look i'm not judging, i know abusive relationships can last many years and decades even for mortals, nevermind immortals, but i just don't like the idea of it lasting this long personally, especially because i think it makes him getting with alec seem actually a bit soon considering how long the abusive relationship lasted, and that's ignoring asmodeus' abuse on top of it

so personally, i like it morenif its around 40-50 years. i think it makes sense. it would mean the breakup was sometime around the 1910s, and while, okay, there is a gap in his file that seems to only end in the 20s, we must not forget an important fact: shadowhunters are stupid. so i actually think it makes sense that like, magnus emerges from his abusive relationship and is still getting back on his feet, and shadowhunters just don't care. like who is that guy? oh some warlock, no one's heard of him since like the 1860s lol. whatever happened to him? who cares. anyway, we love racism

and then around a decade later it turns out that magnus is healing enough to be a pain in their ass; say, that is when he becomes HWoB, or simply that they are reminded of how powerful magnus actually is once he is back in activity, and so they go back to like, investigating him and updating his file. so the file gap could be explained in that case. it also actually makes more sense that it would take shadowhunters a while to pay attention to him again, and since magnus was healing from an abusive relationship, the time it would take for him to draw their attention might well be around a decade

and with 40-50 years of an abusive relationship that would mean magnus has spent 10-12% of his life with camille; which is a LOT of time (for comparison: my first abusive relationship lasted a little over a year and i was 16 at the time; that makes it have lasted around 6% of my life at the time, and it did a HUGE number on me, taking me almost 3 years to have a relationship again), but not quite as much as a full 20%. not just that, but him taking "almost a century" (it would actually make it be a little over a century in this timeline, but again, magnus is immortal and time blind, so give him a break) to get with anyone again makes sense. that would be around double the time he's spent with her before he heals enough to be with someone else. that tracks, because abuse fucks you up fast and unfuckening yourself up takes longer. magnus isn't even fully unfucked up (which is okay, he doesn't have to be), but for him to be ready to take such huge steps as he is taking with alec, i think around double the time he's spent with her spent on healing makes sense

(again, i'm mostly going off my own experiences here; my abusive relationship lasted almost a year and a half, my next relationship was almost three years after the breakup. so almost perfectly double the time before i was ready to have another relationship. and again, i know recovery isn't the same for everyone and a lot of factors go into this, but i just think a timeline where he's been with her for 80 years and then gets with alec less than 100 afterwards is a bit too fast)

i still think 40 years is kind of a very long time to be in an abusive relationship and like holy shit i cant even imagine, but also i mean, mortals have abusive relationships that last that long and to an immortal itd feel like less time, and it does seem to be what best fits the timeline, so

and yeah i think those are my thoughts dadsajdsa

LAST MINUTE EDIT BEFORE THIS IS PUBLISHED CUZ IM NOT REDOING THE WHOLE THING: i got an anon today saying that magnus said something about not having seen camille in 130 years (link) which i didnt/dont really remember but i trust that theyre right and im wrong because i dont remember a lot of shit from this show. 130 years before 2016 would be 1886, meaning that if they broke up at that time and got together right after george's death as i personally hc, that's a 20-year relationship. that sounds like it fits the timeline as much as any other to me, and like i said in that ask, i think it makes sense that magnus would play it down to alec by saying "almost a century" instead of how long it's really been cuz it's a bit too vulnerable, and plus, we know one of the ways he protects himself is by not letting people pinpoint exactly some important dates from his past, particularly his birthday and etc

and okay i know that 20 years together, then 130 years recovering is a huge difference, but also i think with twenty years together as opposed to my comparatively short abusive relationship the scars of abuse would deepen a lot and quicker, so maybe it makes sense that it would take a longer time to feel confident enough to get to dating again. plus, like i said, there's no real math to be had in that process, everyone is different, has their own history and recovery process and etc so it's not like there is a deadline. so actually scratch everything i said above im going with this timeline. the one thing that doesn't track with that is the gap in his file but also like i said shadowhunters are stupid, so. yeah 20 years together is probably closer to it

in the end its kind of a relief cuz i was like "holy shit 40 years is so LONG" so... yeah udndidn

[jj-lives]

Ornament Inktober - Bmblb

“They’re on their way!” Yang heard a crash coming from Ruby’s room.

“Why didn’t you wake me earlier?” She screamed, skidding into the bathroom already half undressed.

“It’s noon, and you’re a big girl.” Yang admonished. “At least I didn’t wait until they were at the door to wake you.”

“Haha, you’re hilarious.”

Ruby threw her shirt in Yang’s direction before disappearing into the bathroom completely. The garment only made it halfway down the hall, nowhere near Yang, who was in the living room, piecing together the tree they’d purchased the day before.

A familiar chime sounded from her phone. She grabbed it off the table where she’d left it after receiving Blake’s last text saying her and Weiss were on the way over.

‘Is Ruby awake yet?’

Smiling at how well Blake seemed to know Ruby’s habits she typed a quick reply back.

‘Just woke her. Should be out of the shower soon.’

‘How close are you?’

Yang sent the second message as her impatience was only growing with the knowledge she’d soon see Blake again. Even though it had only been a few days. It always seemed like too much time passed in between her Blake fixes.

‘Close’ was her simple reply.

‘Blaaaake’

‘Yes?’

‘You’re being mean :(‘

Yang stood to put the top section on the fake tree. She didn’t bother unfolding the branches, something told her Weiss would insist on redoing her work anyway.

‘I’ll have to make it up to you then. Open the door.’

In her haste to get to the door she kicked the leg of the coffee table. Limping the rest of the way she threw the door open to find absolutely no one.

“She is so gonna get it.” Yang mumbled as she bent to rub her injured toe.

“Get what?”

She stepped into the hall to find Blake leaning against the wall beside her door. She glared, knowing she’d hidden on purpose.

“Do I have two things to make up for now?” She asked innocently.

Yang closed the distance between them, pinning Blake’s body to the wall with her own.

“Where’s Weiss?” She asked, lips ghosting the skin of her jaw. Blake’s body quivered against hers at the contact.

“Parking the car. We have a few minutes.” Blake’s fingers dug into her hips with enough force Yang was sure she’d have a few bruises the next morning. It was an injury she wouldn’t mind wearing.

“Good.”

The kiss wasn’t soft or gentle. It was none of Yang’s usual sweetness. It was rough, full of tongue and teeth. Blake moaned deep in her throat which spurred Yang further. One hand bypassing Blake’s many layers to feel the warm bare skin beneath. Her thumb pressed circles into the soft skin below Blake’s ribs. It pulled a sharp gasp from the girl in her arms and their lips parted.

It wasn’t enough.

Her lips found a new target as Blake continued to gasp lungfuls of air. Yang growled, irritated that Blake's scarf barred her from full access to her neck. Not having the patience to remove it Yang's mouth drew a jagged line along Blake's jaw stopping only to tug at her earlobe gently with her teeth.

"Yang," Blake groaned, tugging the hair at the back of Yang's neck.

When had she moved her hands from her hips? Blake forced their lips back together as she arched her back, moulding into Yang's touch.

"Would you two please not do that in public?"

Weiss's voice sobered them instantly. With more strength than Yang had yet seen her use Blake pushed their bodies apart. Yang's back collided with the wall opposite as Weiss strolled between them.

"Please try to restrain yourselves." It came off as an order, but Yang was realizing most things she said did. "It's my first Christmas Eve with my girlfriend and I don't want you two ruining it."

A mumbled "it's our first Christmas too," drifted across the hall and Yang laughed, blushing a deep red.

She held her hand out to Blake, who accepted readily.

“Weiss.”

Ruby’s excited voice rang out as they re-entered the apartment. She came running down the hall so fast Yang thought she was going to collide with her girlfriend full force. She skidded to a stop inches from bumping noses and Yang had to give Weiss credit for the fact she stood her ground. Girl must be brave, or perhaps she just trusted Ruby more than Yang would have.

A snicker filled the space as Ruby lifted her hand and held plastic mistletoe above their heads. Weiss scoffed but leaned in to fulfil the age old tradition.

“So they can kiss, but we can’t?” Blake pouted.

“I’d call her out on it,” Yang smiled, pulling Blake to sit with her on the couch. “But Weiss has the unfortunate ability to make Ruby unbearably happy.” They both watched the beaming smile that Ruby pulled away from the kiss with.

“To bring down the monster you would have to sacrifice the maiden.” Blake whispered into her ear as she moved to rest her head on Yang’s shoulder.

“Something like that.”

“You know,” Yang spoke after a moment. “You and Weiss aren’t so different.”

“Take that back right now.”

Blake pulled away, glaring daggers, and it took all Yang’s strength to pull her back into her arms.

“I will not.” She said resolutely. “Because as much as Weiss makes Ruby happy, you make me at least twice as.”

Blake laughed.

“You are so cheesy.”

“Should I stop?” Yang questioned pulling her in for a soft kiss.

“Never.” Blake whispered against her lips.

“Yang,” Ruby called. “It’s time to decorate the tree.”

“Okay. Okay, fine.”

Blake and Yang untangled themselves. Weiss and Blake started placing the branches on the tree while Yang and Ruby started unpacking the ornaments. Yang excused herself to make them all some hot chocolate and returned to a full on argument. She half expected Blake and Weiss to be going at it but for Ruby and Weiss to be arguing, it surprised her.

“What’s happening?” She asked as Blake took a mug from her hands.

“They are in a disagreement on when to put the top star on the tree.”

“It’s the last thing you put on… obviously.”

“You have to start at the top and build everything around it.” Weiss spun on her. “How else can you get it perfect?”

Blake turned and walked away, sipping her hot chocolate she sat on the end of the couch to watch the show.

“Hold up princess.” Yang replied coolly. She swatted at Weiss’ hand that came up to point an indignant finger at her. “I realize you may have grown up with everything just so and pristine, perfect trees, decorated immaculately. But there comes a time you have to learn things can be better, a little unperfect, a little crooked or off center.”

Weiss rolled her eyes as she scoffed.

“How could anything be better than perfect?” She asked.

“Life. Love. Family.” Yang replied slowly. “Ruby, and Blake… none of those things and neither of these two are perfect. But” Yang removed her eyes from Weiss and locked them with Blake’s amber ones. “I wouldn’t want to change either of them for anyone’s definition of perfect.”

“That’s sweet,” Blake cooed. Standing to kiss Yang on the cheek. “Such a charmer.”

“Fine, the star can go on last.” Ruby squealed happily. “But the garland goes on first!”

“Okay, I’ll allow that.” Ruby agreed.

Yang and Blake took a backseat, looping hooks to ornaments, as Weiss and Ruby twirled around the tree placing them. Yang caught Weiss adjusting a few of Ruby’s whenever her back was turned but she didn’t want to start another argument between them so she kept quiet. Ruby picked up the star as Weiss placed the last bauble on the tree.

“Hey Ruby,” Yang jumped up, Blake slipping from her lap. “Let Blake place the star.”

Ruby’s bottom lip stuck out and where normally it would have Yang giving in, today was another matter. She couldn’t get the way Blake said that it was their first Christmas together earlier. She was right, and Yang wanted it to be special.

“You and Weiss decorated the entire tree. Blake’s a part of this family too now.”

Ruby handed the star over dejectedly.

“It’s okay, Yang. Ruby can put it on if she wants.” Blake spoke up.

Shaking her head she held a hand out for her. “No, no. You aren’t getting out of this that easily. Come here.”

Ruby dragged Weiss into the kitchen promising to return with snacks and more hot chocolate, already forgetting her disappointment regarding the star.

“Alright, give me it if you’re going to make me do this.” Blake’s voice was steady, uninterested, aloof even. But she was smiling, a soft, grateful smile. It made living through Ruby’s pout worth it to have Blake feel a little like she belonged.

As she rose to her tip-toes, Yang stepped up behind her. “Let me help.” Her arms wrapped around Blake coming to rest on the now exposed skin of her midriff. Blake placed the star before sinking into Yang’s arms.

“This is how you help?” She purred her approval, resting her hands on top of Yang's.

Yang still couldn't believe the incredible girl in her arms chose to be there. She buried her face into Blake's neck and held her tighter.

"Stay."

"What was that?" Blake asked through derisive snort. "Couldn't hear you cuz I dont have ears on my neck."

"Stay." She breathed directly into the shell of Blake's ear. She shivered in her arms. "Stay here tonight."

Yang was well aware she was begging and all her pep talks about how taking things slow being a good thing, how she was waiting for Blake to be ready, or for the timing to be right; all washed away. She didn't care. There was no shame in not wanting to say goodbye to Blake tonight.

Yang steeled her nerves for the possibility Blake might refuse. She might not be ready for that step, and Yang would be okay with that.

She'd already waited twenty three years for her. She would wait an eternity more if that's what Blake wanted.

"Alright."

"Yes?" She needed to hear it again because she couldn't trust her brain not to warp Blake's words into what she wanted to hear.

"Yes." Blake responded again.

One word shouldn't be able to elicited so much happiness. She couldn't contain her excitement at Blake's answer. Not knowing what to do she grabbed Blake and twirled.

Blake squealed through her laughter. And it was the girliest thing Yang had ever heard come from her she nearly dropped her.

"Yang!" She called gripping her arms tight for support. "Let me go."

She stopped spinning, letting Blake's feet find the floor.

"Never." She said with resolve, placing a kiss on Blake's shoulder before releasing her. She took hold of her hand and pulled her into the kitchen to see what was taking the other two so long.

"If you two are making out you better stop. Blake and I are coming in."

This was going to be the best Christmas.

Ever.

[thetaylorfiles]

Republican anon here. I love politics so happy to come back. Let me preface with my problem with democrats is they live in the twitterverse, which is one heavily censorshiped and two not really used by as many people they think, (I think there is even a study that shows 80% of the activity is by 20% of the users). They make their decisions by the radical left that live there and think thats a populas thought. 4 weeks ago if you had asked me who I was voting for I would have said Biden. Unfortunately if I had to walk into today, I would vote for Trump. Its not a vote for him its a vote for the constitution. I don't see Biden as strong enough to fight off Sanders, AOC and Pelosi and also think we all know it's gonna be President Harris. So I cant vote for his tax hikes, packing the court, eliminating the electoral, adding seats and the green new deal. I didnt realize what a flawed candidate he was until I really looked into his 47 years in politics, and both him and Harris just come off of as liars. I'm waiting for something to change my mind in the next week but honestly I dont know what it could be because he has been caught in so many lies I can't believe him. Also everything with Hunter scares me because he clearly owes someone something (and clearly its China). I cant have a President willing to sell out our interests if his son becomes compromised. My biggest group of friends are basically like me liberal conservatives and conservative liberals and we all sort of feel the same. Thats probably why one of the biggest google trends is "can I change my vote". I also think you cant not acknowledge the huge gains Trump has made with the hispanic and conservative black votes. I think this year we are looking at another redo of Regan 1984. Either way whatever happens happens and I will just deal with it and hope Pelosi doesnt 25th amend him. Although to wrap up this ramble the twitter thing I memtioned is the same as the original tumblr point I made. No one in politics cares about people shipping in Tumblr or the trending topics on Twitter. So again I just find it funny they dont know enough about it, but think they know everything about it.

Hopefully that makes sense... Also hope I didn't disappoint you on my voting answer. It's really a tough decision this go around.

I don’t want to get into this too much because I don’t think it’s ideal to discuss politics online. It’s much better done in person because you need tone of voice and humanity. For me, anyway.

And while I get what you don’t want (and believe me, I am not as far liberal as the ones you fear taking over. And I also strongly disagree with the fact that they will take over), I think that to be able to gloss over what an abhorrent and unintelligent man Trump is is to truly do a disservice to our country.

And I when I say this, please know that I’ve never been a supporter of Republican presidents as I didn’t love their policies and such, but I sure as hell respected them. And I sure as hell admired them. And I thought them all to be genuinely great men. People who I believed to have the country’s best interest at heart and any persons best interest at heart. I trusted them, and their leadership, even when I didn’t agree with the decisions they made (some not all).

For as far back as I can remember, I have respected each Republican President. Trump is an absolute game changer. His character and lack of empathy and care and honestly, intelligence, plus the fact that the man is incapable of lying every second sentence, is something that I feel like should supersede any “voting for the constitution”.

Biden? At least we know he’s a good man. Both sides of the aisle - everyone has said that the one thing they can say about Biden is he’s a truly good man. And I long for a genuinely good person in office. Because we don’t have one now.

What you think is going on with Biden’s son should t matter for two reasons: one - most of it is unsubstantiated and two - no one cared about what the presidents children or siblings or family was doing before Trump brought his whole damn family on board into the White House. If you want to talk corrupt? Having something on them? Let’s look to the Trump family. If it doesn’t bother you there, why would Hunter bother you?

Those are rhetorical questions. I really don’t want to get into this. I am happy that it seems to be that the polls are showing a good lead in favor of Biden. Is he ideal? Of course not. But he’s moderate compared to the liberals out there ans I personally think he’ll do a good job of keeping it that way. I am liberal and I think my side has gone too damn far left. Biden isn’t perfect, Biden isn’t amazing, Biden isn’t going to make America a superpower. But he’s genuinely a deeply good man who knows his way around politics and respect and is liked by both sides of the aisle. All we need right now is some good leadership to get us out of this shitshow that is Covid. We need a president who doesn’t lie to us about it. Who doesn’t send us mixed signals. Who listens to scientists. Who gets us to where the other countries are who have beaten this thing down better than we have.

We are an embarrassment around the world. We never were before Trump. And now we are. People pity us and laugh at us. Thanks to Trump. I’m so tired of being a laughingstock.

I hope you reconsider. I hope the scare tactics don’t get you. I genuinely believe Biden will not step down so that we will have a Harris presidency. I genuinely believe he will be moderate and work to keep things the least devisive as possible. Please vote for a man who doesn’t call people names. It’s like, the number one thing you teach children: don’t be mean. Don’t call names. Don’t hurt feelings. Let’s strive to be better than that. Let’s have a President that doesn’t call anyone and everyone he doesn’t like a mean name and who also doesn’t lie constantly. (I know politicians all lie to an extent, but no one can argue that Trumps grandiose sense of self causes massive lies to erupt every time he speaks).

I beg of you to reconsider.

Thanks for having this discourse with me.

Ans btw, agreed about Twitter. It’s a cesspool of the worst of the left in an echo chamber. Trust me. I can see the worst of my side!

[ajokeformur-ray]

Hiii again. I figured that submit option would be easier for this. ^^ 

I love your matchups, they’re so accurate and thought through.❤️ Can I have one too? My name’s Emily, I have blue hair and blue “husky” eyes, got two tattoos and plan to have more, I’m very pale and I hate people saying things like “you look like a ghost, go get a tan” I usually dress like a witch, but sometimes i doll myself up as a pinup girl to feel pretty.I’m autistic, depressed, have ADHD & ptsd (nice combo, ha?^^) I’m also sarcastic, reserved and have a dark sense of humor.I’m oversensitive to lights and noises. I don’t like being hugged or touched by strangers, but once i get comfortable with someone I transform into their koala.^^ My life is a bit messy, I try to do tasks on time and remember important things, but it’s hard. I have two kids cats, Lilith I found under the bridge and Harold in woods. I’m a big spooky fun, I love horror movies and Halloween. I like drawing (my arts are creepy tho, def not for everyone to see), playing guitar, singing, reading books, running and walking in the woods. I’m interested in psychology & astrophysics and I love when people want me to teach them something. I can’t live without music and my cats. @dont-be-alarmed

Hi, my love! 💙 Thank you so much, I spend a lot of time on matchups and it means a lot that you, one of my favourite writers, find them accurate! I hope this one lives up to your kind words and that you enjoy it! 💜 (I’m happy to redo it if not, angel!) I wanted to give back to you after all you’ve ever done for me and for this community, and so I went on your other blog and scrolled through; I found a post about yourself and Arthur and I’ve tried to incorporate pieces of that in here to make it as… emotionally you as I could. I hope that you don’t mind! 💚

Total word count: 3, 785.

Arthur // wc: 1, 755.

Arthur is… completely in awe of you. You caught his attention due to your bright blue hair; such a vibrant colour in the grimy streets of Gotham which are made up of much the same; grey concrete, grey walls, grey buildings, grey sky, is unusual and eye-catching. Arthur wants to be seen and he admires the courage you possess in having such a hair colour. And your eyes, oh… It’s canon that Arthur likes to touch people’s cheeks and he holds people’s faces in his hands, and when sea green meet your blues, the entire world stops and Arthur can only sink into you; for if eyes are windows to the soul then surely yours is radiant. You’re not afraid to paint the blank canvas which is your body and Arthur likes to trace your tattoos with a careful finger, his lips moving silently as he thinks to himself; he wants to know if there are stories behind them, why you got them, how badly they hurt, what they mean to you… if the mind is an ocean then Arthur wants to dive right into yours and discover your murkiest depths now. But he holds back; he doesn’t want to ruin what he’s building with you, and so every day when he discovers something new does he only fall deeper and deeper in love with you. You’re very pale and people are quick to point it out. If it happens in front of Arthur, he’s quick to frown, “Don’t say things like that to her, Emily’s perfect just as she is!”. He won’t tell people off when they say bad things about him, but about you? He has to stop himself from going feral and he contents himself with snapping at them or, if it’s something which is truly nasty, Arthur gives them such a look it’s like he’s trying to kill them without even touching them. His knees will bounce and he’ll giggle around his cigarette, but he’ll only be concerned for you. Arthur would do anything for you. No matter what you were, Arthur always compliments you sincerely; his voice soft and raspy because he’s barely able to speak through the rising laughing in his throat. Such is the effect you have on him.  

You and Arthur have so much in common. Sometimes when you talk to each other, it’s like you’re talking to yourself but you’re hearing it in a different voice. You have shared many experiences and there’s so much about Arthur which exists within yourself; you are both so worthy of love and you are both capable of being loved for exactly who you are, and in the early days first of friendship (though you begin to date quickly, both of you so eager to discover what may exist between you),  you mostly bond together over your shared dark sense of humour. Over the weeks which bleed into months, Arthur’s comedy material becomes more tailored to your sense of humour; for what you find funny and making you smile means more to him than anyone else. He could have a crowd at Pogo’s captivated but your smile would be the only one which he has eyes for. The both of you are so tried and tired, so weary and you’ve both been through so much more than people should ever have to go through, but you help each other and you’re there for each other as much as you can be every single day. You’re over sensitive to lights and to noises so when you’re out in public together, Arthur keeps a close eye on you. He learns the signs for when it’s becoming too much and the two of you talk often; late night discussions with dimmed lamps and a turned down volume on the TV, and the two of you learn how to help each other and how to be more open together. It’s a shared journey, this love between you, and it’s once in a lifetime. Neither of you could ever want this with anyone else. Arthur was almost shocked by the difference in you from when he first met you to when you became comfortable with him and all the ways in which you showed affection changed and became more intimate, but he takes it as a compliment. You’re so comfortable with him and he cherishes that information above anything else. He’s just as comfortable with you, and he tries to show you every single day the depths of the love which he holds for you.  

Your life is as messy as Arthur’s is busy, but the two of you make it work as best as you can. You do your best to remember important things but it’s hard, and for everything you forget is Arthur there to remind you. Sometimes he has to leave the apartment before you so he’ll leave a quickly scrawled note taped to the front door in big letters so you can see it even from a distance, or he’ll make sure that you’ve got everything ready in the same place, like right next to or on top of your shoes so they can’t be forgotten. Your two kitties, Lilith and Harold, are doted upon by yourself and by Arthur. He had always wanted a pet, someone or something to come home to whom was happy to see him, and now he has three beings who love him: you, Lilith and Harold. The fact that you rescued both of your children shows the true depths of your heart and Arthur’s in awe of you. He adores watching you interact with them. It always makes him coo and the ice in his heart which is left over from the day melts away and then evaporates completely at the touch of your hand and the sound of your voice. You love horror films and Hallowe’en and Arthur loves watching how excited you get when October rolls around! Carving pumpkins together, creating decorations and the jokes just get darker and more morbid… he comes to love the holiday as much as you do, though he’s not as fond of horror films as you are. Life is horrifying enough and if he wants to be scared, he’ll just watch the news - but when you’re more comfortable together and you’re his koala, he likes to cling to you and hide his face in your neck as a way of becoming closer to you. Arthur cherishes the few scant hours he gets with you every night. It’s yours and his favourite time of day and it only makes your daily hardships almost worth it.   

You are… extremely creative. Your writing is so descriptive and so vivid, your drawing is beautiful, you can sing, you play an instrument… music runs through your soul just as surely as it does within Arthur, and one night when Arthur was much too shy to tell you that he loved you, he instead said, “you are the music in me”. It’s an admission which, years later, still haunts you in the best way. If you ever let him read what you have written or view what you have created, though he may be creeped out, he would still compliment you sincerely and ask you some questions, wanting to see things through your beautiful blue eyes. If you’re open to the idea, Arthur would love to sit down and listen to you sing and play the guitar; and if you have ever written any songs for him, they would bring tears to his eyes and he would find himself choking down laughter. How can you love him this much? Just as much as you have become more open and kinder to yourself in loving Arthur, so has he because of your love, and the two of you walk hand in hand down the path of life together, leading each other into your better selves; such is the power of love. When you read, Arthur likes to write in his journal and the sounds of his scrawling are the perfect accompaniment to the sounds of your turning the pages of the book you cradle in the palm of your hands as surely as you hold Arthur’s heart in your hands. Though he never asks, Arthur would love to go with you on a walk through the woods. You can see it in his eyes sometimes, how desperately he wants to go with you, but he’s too afraid of rejection and too shy. When you come back from your running, the bathroom is all ready for you to have a shower, there are clean clothes out for you and dinner is ready. Arthur does everything he can to take the best care of you possible; for truly do you deserve nothing less than the best of everything in life. 

You’re interested in a variety of subjects and as a way to engage with you, for he so loves the way your eyes and face light up when you’re talking about the things you’re passionate about, Arthur would sit down with you and ask you questions. Even if he doesn’t fully understand what you’re talking about, especially with astrophysics, he still sits and he listens and Arthur engages with you. And if you have a hyperfixation, then he’s right there with you. He validates your interests and wants to know as much as you’re willing to share with him! It’s just another way for him to spend time with you, to get to know you, to tell you that he loves you. You’ve spent many a night talking the time away about your interests and you have so much in common that it’s unsurprising that you feel like you have known each other forever. Music and cats are your life and Arthur protects everything that he knows about you, because you mean the entire world to him and you deserve to know just how much he loves you! No matter where you go, what you do or who you become, Arthur loves you for all of you - he’s learned all the ways to help you through your various struggles, through the things which you go through (including the ones only you know about), and he does everything he can to help you, to love you the way that you deserve to be. Even when he’s so, so tired, the two of you pull each other through life with your joined hands, fingers interlocked… and neither of you will ever let go of the other.

Joker // wc: 2, 030.

By now,  you and Joker know each other like the backs of your hands. There isn’t much that you don’t know about each other, though of course is it impossible to ever really know someone in their entirety, so every day do you discover something new about one another which only makes you fall deeper in love with each other. Even though you know each other so well, Joker still finds himself wanting to completely dive into who you are to find out everything all at once; to view the tapestry of your life in its entirety without having to wait for the discovery of something else. He loves you so much it hurts him in the best way. Your name is Joker’s favourite word and he sometimes catches himself whispering it when he needs some extra strength or a reason to slow the rage in his veins, which threatens to poison his heart and turn his soul away from the goodness which still exists in his very core, unchanged is he deep inside himself where he is safest. You were there with Arthur through it all and you only loved him more as the man he was now. With your bright blue hair and Joker’s electric green hair, the two of you catch people’s attention when you’re out in public; Gothamites aren’t known for their courageous self expression, so wearied and beaten are they by the soulless and relentless demands of the city. The two of you like to redye your hair together; even if Joker’s hair has faded back into his naturally dark curls, he will wait for you to need to redye your hair. Joker dyes your hair and you dye his and the flecks of blue and green blend and merge together in the bathroom sink; Joker likes to get messy so green runs all down his back and pools into the waistband of his baggy underwear, and he ends up making more mess than you do. Joker adores your tattoos and he knows the reasons and stories behind them as well as you do and he gets excited when you talk about having more. Joker’s less forgiving now when people make comments about how pale you are, and he’s not afraid to narrow his eyes, his nostrils flaring slightly in anger, and fire back a few well-timed insults of his own. Whether you dress like a witch or as a pinup girl, Joker is in awe of you and sometimes he literally chokes on air because he’s just so stunned by you and all that you are; you’re so beautiful inside and out and he just can’t believe, even now, how lucky he is to be loved by you. 

Just because Joker gave up on his own mental health - he stopped taking his medications, he stopped taking care of himself and he stopped caring - it didn’t mean that he would ever allow you to do the same. Joker wanted nothing but the best for you and he would do anything he could for you. This, combined with the fact that Joker knows exactly how to support you and how to look after you when you need to be loved extra hard. Both of you are worthy of being loved for exactly who you are, and when you feel like you’re unwanted and not capable of being loved, Joker cradles you on his lap - your favourite seat - and  tucks your head into his chest, his heartbeat pounding in your ear to ground you and to calm you. He knows how to hold you, how to talk to you, how to comfort you, and he even knows how to ground himself and also you in the same touches. If anyone understands you and what you go through every single day, it’s Arthur, and that’s never been and would never be any different. You’re sarcastic and Joker enjoys playful banter between the two of you. He knows when you’re being sarcastic because you’re having fun and when you’re being sarcastic because your mood is low, but either way will Joker snap back. He enjoys swapping comments with you if that’s something you like to do, and by now his dark humour is perfectly tailored to your own. Of all the citizens in Gotham, your smile is the only one which matters and your laughter is the only one Joker closes his eyes to fully savour. You are Joker’s koala now and he loves every touch which you gift him with. Coming home to you is the absolute favourite part of Joker’s every day and sometimes he stays away for just a little longer so that he can get an extra enthusiastic hug or some clingy touches. You’re over sensitive to lights and noises and Joker is used to keeping the TV on a certain volume and to buying a certain type of light bulb so that the lamps are always dim enough for you. You are always Joker’s main priority and that will never be any different. You’re his entire world and when he cups your face in his hands to kiss you, he likes to say, “I’ve got the whole world in my hands, Emily. Look after it for me, okay?”. The first time you did it back to him, he almost sobbed with love for you even as he nodded and said, “mm-hm”. The sound was smug even with how overwhelmed he was in that moment and your stomach swooped; as again did you only love him more.

Your life is still a bit messy but oh, you do your best. Joker knows better than anybody how it can feel to do your best and to still feel like you’re not doing enough, like you’re not trying enough, like you’re not good enough for all of the demands and responsibilities which are daily placed on you without reprieve or without a break, and he continues to do everything he can to help you, to be there for you and to support you. He leaves notes lying around to help you remember to do things, to not forget things, and if ever you do forget something, Joker’s there to do it for you. There is only ever love in the things he does. Looking after you and being there for you and loving you is the reason Joker does what he does, the reason he tries every single day to reconnect with the man you first fell in love with. Oh, but he was still that man; he had only stopped caring, he had only succumbed to all that was making him numb, and every day did you love him just as fiercely and just as strongly as you always had. Your two cats are spoiled rotten by the both of you; Joker still loves to watch you interact with them and when chaos is shut away, when his suit is hung up and his face is washed, Joker likes to sit on the sofa with you to watch the news with your children around you; his fingers in their fur or in your hair, and the two of you talk quietly. About your days, about the things you need to do tomorrow, how you have been feeling... the evenings are ticked away in this way, with the two of you indulging only in each other. You love horror films and Hallowe’en and still does Joker love how excited you get! He joins in with you now with the celebration and the decorations, but instead of hiding within you now while you watch horror films, scared did he used to be, he now watches you with them and cracks dark jokes. In one film, the screaming victim got decapitated and Joker snorted and said, “Talk about losing your head when it gets crazy out there”. It’s up to you if you join in with him but if you do, he will turn to the side to give you his attention, only just watching whatever is on the old and grainy screen. He loves to cuddle with you and if you ever get scared of the things you watch, Joker assumes the protective role as he cuddles you. “Nothing’s going to hurt you, Emily. Joker’s here.”. He would die for you, kill for you... you’re his entire world and he loves you with everything that he is, everything that he has. 

You are very creative and to this day, Joker is still in awe of everything that you’re able to do. Your writing is so beautiful and everything that you create is beautiful. Your arts are creepy but Joker’s not creeped out by them anymore. Long ago did he stare into the abyss and see it staring back, so what used to negatively affect him rarely does now. “Awh, that’s sweet.” // “Joker, it’s - there’s blood all over the - “ // “Yeah,” He shrugs, “But it’s sweet in a morbid way, you know?” You thought you did, but you weren’t entirely sure. Either way, you were just glad that he liked your arts. His support meant the world to you. You have an entire playlist of songs you would like to play for Joker, and when you ask if you can play for him, Joker beams and practically runs across the room to sit down for you, running a hand through those dyed green curls which bounce gently against the tops of his shoulders as he does so. Joker is transfixed by the way you play the guitar; your hands are one of his favourite parts of you because they create pure magic every single day. You love to read and when you do, Joker tends to read through his old journal. It’s a quiet time for the both of you and it’s most likely that Joker will want to cuddle with you while you do these things; so that you can spend time together... separately. Occasionally, Joker might read a joke out loud; they’ll be dark jokes, ones which make you laugh because you know not how else to react, and he’ll soak in your response. Don’t fake your laughter, though, Joker will notice and he won’t appreciate that. By now, he’s used to your routine when it comes to running and walking in the woods, so he doesn’t ask if he can go with you - he’ll know if you want him to join you by the way you said goodbye to him. If you linger near him, he’ll know that you want him to join you; but if you’re quickly out of the door, then he knows he should stay. When you come home, everything is ready for you to get clean and comfortable; for Joker will always do what he can to look after you, no matter what!

On the nights when everything he’s ever said and done catches up to him, or when the world is just too loud and you need everything and everyone to go away, the two of you hole up in the bedroom. If Joker is the one who needs comforting, then you’re the one who reads to him or tells him about anything you’re currently hyperfixated on or curious about, but if you’re the one who needs comforting then Joker reads from his old journal or reads your current book to you. You can’t live without music or your cats and that’s precisely why Joker protects everything that you hold most dear to you, and that includes his own self. The both of you are so similar in so many ways and you have both shared many of the same experiences. You have so much love between you, so much need to be seen, known and loved, and you both have a dark sense of humour. You’re both strong and brave, creative and so full of love, and no matter what happens or who you both become, you will fall together again and again... and again. You’re soulmates and you’re truly meant to be, and that’s all that matters. Arthur Fleck loves you for all of you, through every rise and fall!

[autisticmob]

HELLO everyone i am now ten days out from my tiddy surgery so i think while everything is still fresh-ish in my mind I should get a rough timeline of how things went for me, just so anyone having similar stuff done in the future can have it as reference?? 

so under the cut is how shit went down, warning we are gonna be tmi about it for Max Information Dissemination, i will be talking about IV placement, Needles, Bleeding, Bruising, Bathroom Stuff In General, etc. so like. Be Warned.

OKAY SO what did i have done and how did i get it:

- i got a bilateral breast reduction with a “T,” “keyhole,” or “anchor-shaped” incision. this procedure, unlike double-incision top surgery, does not detach your nipples at all, but it DOES leave a decent hunk of breast tissue behind to avoid the nip graft. this connecting tissue keeps your nip attached and supplied with enough blood to survive. that means with this one, theres basically a limit to how much they can take off, and it depends on how big you are to start off with. 

- i went with the T-incisions because as a NB person, I wanted to sidestep the “gender-confirming surgery” route with my insurance. technically, I believe it would have been covered if i had gone through the process of talking to a therapist and getting a note that the surgery WOULD help confirm my gender, but i suspect it would have taken much longer, and I was afraid that my doctor and community resources would not have ended up approving me FOR the surgery since I don’t exactly fit the typical trans narrative. and luckily for me i had Massive, Spine-Bending G Cup Tiddies to contend with. so every doc that took a look at me said “yeah, you need those taken care of for medical reasons.” so i thought hey, let’s see how far this will get me!

- i talked to my primary care doc about my back pain and mentioned i’d like to look into a breast reduction, and she referred me to a local surgeon who could do the procedure. at the time i was still entertaining the idea of double-incision, but as it turned out, this surgeon just didnt do that. but i knew for certain my insurance would cover him, his results were good, and he was local, so i said yes to the T-incisions, which he said would likely get me down from a G to at least a C. it wasnt my ideal scenario admittedly, but frankly the back pain was getting to be too much, and i needed it to be addressed sooner rather than later.

- i had a consultation with the surgeon in early december, and they took pictures and measurements to send to my insurance so they could confirm the tits WERE in fact Too Bomb To Live. Doc said that it varies between insurance companies, but most will have a minimum amount of tissue that needs to be taken off, in grams, from each breast. he was like, “your insurance needs at least 1000g total removed, which’ll leave you on the small side, is that cool?” and i was like “My Man, take AS MUCH as you possibly can, im sick of these” and he was like “cool, makes my job easy then.” 

- it took my insurance like 1.5 to 2 months to get back to me, but late january the surgery place called me and we set a date for february 5th, 2020!!

PRE-OP:

- before i went into surgery, the hospital made me go over my medical history with them over the phone, informed me of all the risks, and gave me a special scrub kit to shower with at home for the last 2 days before the surgery

- fun fact this soap will make your whole bathroom and body smell strongly and exactly like a hospital and it is gross as hell if you hate hospital smell

- i also had to go to my primary care doc to get the OK that i was healthy enough to go under general anesthesia, and also get some blood tests and a urinalysis done. i fucked up the urinalysis tho (which is a whole other story) so i had to redo that the morning of the surgery when i got to the hospital anyway. 

- when i scheduled my surgery they also gave me a list of things i had to NOT DO before i went in. this included stuff like avoiding herbal medications and non-prescription supplements and not drinking any alcohol for like 2 weeks prior to surgery, and not eating anything after midnight the night before surgery.

- then it was SURGERY DAY!!!

- i went in with uhhh a LOT of anxiety about what everything would entail, ngl. i knew i had to do it because staring down the barrel of life with tiddies forever was way scarier than surgery, but yknow whenever you go under general anesthesia they legally do have to let you know that you could die and thats just a lot to consider, PLUS the whole thing involves just, really mangling your torso so like. its a lot! its okay to be scared!

- both my parents went with me for moral support which i appreciated a lot, but i didnt actually see them much since they had to spend a lot of it in the waiting room.

- when i went back with the doc they had me Wash The Tiddy Off with some antiseptic and change into a gown. i got some grippy socks out of the deal which is probably not a universal experience, but this hospital did it so shoutout to them for the socks i guess

- then they asked me all my medical history stuff again and checked me for any like, rashes or open sores or anything. i had some Tit Zits but they did not seem to be worried about that.

- then the surgeon came in and drew lines on me for the incisions. bro when i saw how high up my nips were gonna be i was losing my damn mind. this is one of the really exciting parts, because you finally get to really visualize what your end size is gonna be!! 

- once he was satisfied with how everything looked, they started really Prepping Me For Surgery.

- they hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff, a heart monitor, and some compression leg thingies that would inflate and deflate intermittently around my calves to help me not get blood clots. this felt weird but tbh also like kind of a nice massage

- then the iv placement. bro im not lying when i tell you this is the worst part. the nurse numbed me with some lidocaine before placing the needle and let me tell you that shit HURTED. lidocaine Stings and Burns when it hits and this was arguably the most painful part. but the good news about that is it means nothing else after that is all that bad. and i got THREE lidocaine shots because these two nurses could NOT find my blood anywhere. they finally called in their ringer (an EMT named kirk, s/o to kirk) who got that sucker in my arm with NO numbing and NO pain in like, 2 fucking seconds. i pray you all have a kirk. kirk knows where your fucking blood is and hes not gonna fuck around getting to it because he JUST wrestled a drunk dude into an ambulance like an hour ago and compared to that this is nothing. kirk had sleeveless scrubs. im obsessed. anyway.

- then they put a plastic, inflatable, heated blanket over me? it was between two regular blankets so it wasnt as uncomfortable as you might imagine, but it was strange. warm tho so that was nice.

- THEN they wheeled my bed down to surgery. i was having so much anxiety at this point it was like... dreamlike. getting wheeled into the OR was just surreal. i was like, no thoughts head empty, just taking everything in.

- once i got there the surgical team was very cool about keeping me calm tho. they were playing their like, pump-up music and one of the guys was like “hey fyi about halfway thru the surgery we will be turning the lights off and having a rave, just in the interest of full disclosure. promise not to leave any glowsticks in there tho” and i was like what no i would LOVE glowstick tiddies

- i had to kinda roll from my bed onto the operating table, which was significantly harder and smaller. that kinda made things feel real, so i got a little more anxious at that point.

- to help me calm down they had me breathe in some straightup oxygen thru a mask while they hooked my iv to the fluids and such, and the guy was like “WHOA you got some lungs on you dude” and i was like yeah thanks im recovering from hyperventilating

- then they let the anesthesia into the iv, letting me know the whole time what was happening, talking to me until i was just OUT, which was not a lot of conversation time because i was out in like 5 seconds or less. they didnt make me count down or anything, but i promise you it was nigh instantaneous.

POST OP

- it really was instantaneous. i know everyone says that but it really is the truth, it feels like the whole thing takes seconds. like one moment youre laying there in the OR feeling the drugs Hit, and the next youre waking up in the little wake-up room feelin kinda groggy with a nurse talking to you, and youre still druggy so youre just rambling to her about how fucked your voice sounds right now and as soon as shes contented that youre basically lucid they start wheeling you to your room where youll ACTUALLY stay while you recover.

- THE THING I WAS THE LEAST PREPARED FOR WAS MY THROAT

- your throat will Hurt afterwards, but even more than that, you will be producing So Much Mucus. my surgery took about 2 hours and during that time, all my muscles were paralyzed by the anesthesia, including my lungs, so i was on a breathing tube. my throat, understandably, hated this, and started producing Gallons Of Fucking Mucus to protect itself. it then continued to do this for the next two days or so. the nurses were encouraging me to breathe deep and cough Hard to combat this, and avoid getting pneumonia, so i did. but THAT hurt the tiddies. it was really a vicious cycle. but its necessary because god if i had to have pneumonia on top of all the other recovery shit?? god. 0/10 wouldnt recommend. so it might hurt but dont worry your tiddies wont bust open or anything.

- i spent basically the rest of the day still hooked up to all the machines i listed earlier, PLUS a thing that would beep at me if my heart rate went too high, which it did a lot because i have anxiety, but luckily the nurses didnt seem too concerned. it really kept my breathing on track though because if i didnt breathe deep enough my heart would shoot up super fast and it’d beep and god that was just annoying and im pretty sure that was The Point. you kinda have to get used to breathing again, and the beeping trained me.

- they gave me like a bunch of crackers and a huge mug of water to work on at my leisure. i actually had lunch pretty quick after waking up? i know a lot of people have nausea issues from anesthesia but i didnt experience any of that. i DID move like a fucking sloth while i was eating tho. the pain meds and general grogginess of recovery slowed my whole body down sooooo much. my mom was actually like “are you okay??? like neurologically??????” and i was, totally, i was just. on slo-mo.

- anyway i didnt have to get catheterized for this procedure thankfully but they DID make me measure my pee every time i went to the bathroom. like i had to pee in a little bucket attached to the toilet and the nurse had to come check it every time and i felt really weird about that. so idk just be prepared for that i guess lmao

- also idk if it was the pain meds or the anesthesia itself but post-op, i couldnt shit for like a week. the constipation is real so get u some fucking laxatives asap when you get home, this is not a joke lmao

- they also had me put on a belt every time i got up so the nurse could hold onto me in case i decided to fucking biff it. they got me up a couple times throughout the day/night to walk up and down the hallway outside and get my body used to being upright again

- oh speaking of i never got to lie down completely flat, they had my bed locked at like a 30 degree angle minimum to help with... something. im not quite sure what, but im not gonna question it

- when i got up the next morning they had a couple nurses come in and help me un-bandage so i could shower and finally look at what the tiddies looked like for the first time!! and it was exciting but i didnt cry like i expected lmao i think i was too drained and too distracted by the bleeding

- the bleeding wasnt too bad actually, just little beads kinda coming out of parts of the incisions between the stitches. but once i got in the shower obviously stuff started getting diluted in the water and it looked like a lot more than there actually was, so dont be alarmed by that! 

- SHOWERING: its a little complicated. youre not supposed to soak the incisions, and youre not supposed to apply direct water pressure or actually touch them at this point. so what i had to do was get a washcloth wet and soapy (with antibacterial soap, i think it was hand soap honestly. hand soap’s what ive been using at home so........) and then just kinda. squeeze it at your collarbone and let it drip down over everything kinda minimally. its kind of a process but it works fine. washing your hair and like, tbh literally everything else is gonna be hard. reaching over your head is hard and scary at this point. i will admit my hair care Suffered the first week. 

- then i got bandaged back up and they got me back into my own clothes and ready to go home! they also put a bra on me over the bandages in my new size. i was only there for about 24 hours total, since i didnt really have any complications. 

- on the ride home i had to make sure the cross-chest part of the seat belt was NOT touching me. if whoevers driving you hits a pothole, your soul WILL exit your body tits-first for a moment. im sorry if you live somewhere like here in nebraska where the roads are garbage but its not gonna be fun.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME!!

- i live at home with my mom and sister and if you live alone, id try to have a friend basically move in for the first week. you will need Help with things. basic things. you’ll mostly want to sleep because of the pain meds but those made me pretty dizzy so it was cool having my mom around in case i like. fell on the way to the bathroom and died or anything like that.

- changing bandages is really kind of a 2-person affair too, and youll have to do it at least once a day post-shower, so keep that in mind. 

- the bleeding is like, not that bad after that first day honestly. i never had to change the bandages more than just the once per day. 

- basically from here the procedure is just to take it easy, get up every few hours and walk around a little to keep the blood clots at bay, and enjoy yr new silhouette basically

- worst thing about recovery honestly? im a stomach/side sleeper, and i cant manage anything other than laying flat on my back with my arms at my sides right now, and thats just like.... idk i really cant sleep like that. its not comfy. ive had to set up kind of a pillow fort around me to keep me from rolling over in my sleep bc im afraid i might hurt myself accidentally like that, but idk how well-founded that fear is.

- i will say as someone who did have back problems before this, the difference is IMMEDIATE. i literally had better posture like Day 1. im still a little hunched over because the stitches create a bit of tension in your chest, but like literally it was instantaneous. god. once i got healed to a point that i could like, kinda relax and not be so fucking tense all the time? back pain has basically just been GONE. 

- other fun things to notice: i had some pretty significant stretch marks before, and now they are running in a completely different direction. i crossed my arms over my chest the other day and they actually touched my torso for the first time in like, well over a decade. if i close my eyes and try to grab my tiddy from muscle memory, i stop like a full 3 inches from where my tit actually starts now. the size i am now, just like, freeballing it? this is how i looked when i wore a binder before. if i wore a binder now i imagine id be completely flat, and honestly if i layer up at this point you cant really tell that i have anything more than the average chubby dude’s moobs, which as a kinda chubby person is totally fine. 

its a trip relearning what i look like and what im supposed to feel like but its just. such a fucking improvement over where i was. absolutely no regrets, regardless of how hard recovery has felt at times. anyway i hope this information is at least interesting and maybe helpful to anybody considering anything similar!!

[just-my-fandom]

Rewrite! SOTB (Peter Parker x Stark! Reader)

Original

Request; hi bub, remember that imagine you did with peter as your boyfriend and tony as your dad, when you almost die? (Stayed On The Bus) but like you survived and all, how about uhm a redo of that but like she actually dies, i'm sorry hahaha i love angst so much

Note; The beginning of this story is EXACTLY THE SAME as the original!! So please do not @ me that its the same because I KNOW

__________________________________________

“Y/N? Y/N, can you hear me?”

The tickle of your hair on your face drags you from your unconsciousness, face twisting in pain at the sharp daggers in your side,

“Hey,” A voice drags out softly, soothing you when you emit a whimper, “Hey, I’m right here, it’s Peter,”

A hand from the voice cups the back of your head, resting in against their chest so you could hear their thudding heart beat,

You let your eyelids pull open, taking in a deep breath and exhaling sharply at the burns,

“Peter?” You question, hand clutching at the suit holding onto you and eyes searching for the voice, “Peter,”

“I’m right here,” The superhero tugs off his mask, brown eyes meeting yours to reveal harsh tears, “Im right here Y/N I promise,”

“It hurts,” You release a soft sob, Peter brushing hair from your eye’s to cup the side of your face, holding it close to his,

“I know,” He breathes out a trembling breath, “M-Mr. Stark will be here soon, he’s going to help you,”

You shake your head, feeling the tear that slid down Peters cheek fall onto yours, “Dad can’t help me,”

“Don’t say that,” Peter swallows, rocking you slowly to ease you, “Its going to be okay, we’ll go back home and we’ll be with Ned and MJ again,”

“We should have stayed on the bus,” You crack a smile, Peter breaking a laugh and leaning down, allowing his lips to press roughly to yours in what he didnt know was your last kiss,

“Kid!” Tony lands on his feet yards away from the two teenagers, Rhodey following quick behind,

“Mr. Stark,” Peter looks up at the man in the armor, “She needs help,”

“Karen, check vitals,” Tony kneels down at your other side, hand at the wound,

“She is suffering from blood loss, a minor conscusion, a broken wrist, and needs to seek immediate hospitality,”

Tony glances to the side, cursing beneath his breath, “We can’t just walk into a hospital in our armor,”

“Mr. St-stark? She’s not waking up,” Peters panicked and red brimmed eye’s look up at Tony, tightening around you, “You have to help her, please, I can’t lose her too, Mr. Stark, I just can’t,”

“Kid,” Tony alerts firmly, eyes sharp, “I’m going to need you to remain calm, for my daughter. You understand? We’re going to take her back to my house and aid her there. But you have to go home and tell May you’re safe,”

“And leave her?” Peter stammers, a tear falling down his chin, “She risked her life for us, I-I’ll call May, tell her Im okay,”

“May needs to see you in person, Peter,” Tony growls, “I know you’re upset, but you need to trust me,”

“Okay,” Peter exhales deeply, slowly letting Tony pull you up bridal style,

“I’ll send you the address to my house,” Tony nods once, “She’ll be okay, kid,”

__________________________________________

"You lied to me!"

Steves hands come to the front of Peters chest, holding him back far away enough from Tony to give Tony space,

"You said she'd be okay, you promised!"

Tony looks up to meet Peters blood shot eye's, his own glistening as he curled his fists,

"Kid," He pleas, flinching slightly when Peter throws a hand in front of him, pointing his finger,

"Dont call me that," Peter orders lowly, chest heaving of an ungoing panic attack, "Dont ever call me that again. I trusted you. I went to see Aunt May because I thought Y/N was taken care of but instead she's gone,"

"She lost too much blood," Steve tries to explain, heart cracking at his goddaughters boyfriend, "We weren't able to get blood back into her in time,"

"You didnt try hard enough," Peter glares upwards at Steve, face falling instantly as tears continued to fall, "We should have stayed on the god damn bus,"

"She recorded something for you," Tony exhales, Peter looking over at his boss, "You'll need to see it,"

. . .

"Is this on?" The blue hologram of the female Stark leans forward, tapping the camera to Tonys helmet,

"Yes it's on now dont scratch it," Tonys voice replies gruffly behind the helmet, and you grin at him off camera, before looking back at the helmet,

"Okay, well," You sigh, and rest your arms on the back of the kitchen chair you sat in, "Hey, Peter. I know at the moment you're in some kind of dimension thing, but, we think we found a way to bring you back,"

Your gaze drifts off camera, eyes falling shut,

"Im recording this in case something happens," You shrug, and Peter realizes you're in pajamas and the clock behind you read almost two in the morning,

You and Tony never slept when you realized you could bring your family back,

"Thanos no longer has the stones. According to him they vanished after he snapped his fingers. But we can bring the stone backs and bring you back. Hopefully you'll see this video because we did it," A smile tugs at your lips,

"Im willing to die to bring everyone back. My fathers a hero, and its my turn to be one, too. Please dont be mad at me if something does happen to me, because I wanted it to happen. Maybe we should have stayed on the bus,"

You rest your chin on your hand, sniffling softly, "Okay. Im done," You push off the chair, walking up to the helmet and before you turn it off, you lean down to look into the camera, "I love you Peter," and the camers clicks,

Peter blinks his eyes slowly. Tears slipped down his cheeks, but his hands couldnt move to wipe them away

Peter inhales a shaken breath, leaning back in his seat and directing his eyes to stare at his mask resting on his knee,

"Dad, let me see the camera, please,"

Peter looks up, eyes wide. Its you, again,

The camera shifts from Tonys face to yours, your face pale and the beeping of the heart monitor made you squint to indicate your headache,

"Hey Peter," You smile warmly, coughing into your hand, "We did it,"

Tony and Steve glance at each other, Steve patting his shoulder and directing him into the hallway,

"I think this really is the end," Your voice is weak, lower than when he held you on the battlefield, "I dont think Im going to survive this one Pete,"

You inhale deeply, looking off the camera then back, "Please dont be mad at me," A sob breaks through and Tonys hand comes to view, but You stop him from taking the helmet with the camera, "I did this for everyone. We got everyone back. Uncle Clint has his wife and kids back, the raccoon has his galaxy family, I got you back,"

"Tell Ned and MJ im sorry," A tear slides down your jaw, "I'm loosing a lot of blood and only medicine is keeping me awake," You inhale deeply, "I'm glad you got to see your Aunt May again, but I wish you were here with me Peter,"

Another deep breath, "You got to move on after I'm gone Peter. Please. You moved on from Liz so you can move on from me too. I-I believe in you,"

You sniffle, and shake your head, "I love you so much Peter, please dont be mad at Dad either, he tried, so so hard,"

You set the helmet in your lap, hands coming to press to your face and the camera lifts up when Tony sinks into the bed beside you to pull you into his embrace,

"Im sorry dad," Peter seems to make out, and your arms slide to Tonys back, "Im so sorry,"

Tony wraps his arms strongly around you, and the video cuts off. Peter leans forward so his head rested in his hands, and he grips at his hair tightly,

He was beyond pissed with Tony, but you didnt want him to. He was still stuck on you, but you wanted him to move on. He was mad at you, mad at Thanos, mad at the people who let a God damn teenage girl risk her life, but you didnt want him to be,

So he forgave Tony. He moved on, in time. He forgave you, he was still mad at Thanos, but he forgave the people because they all knew you were doing what you loved,

Being a hero

[xadial]

You got me to do them, your turn!! I dont care i you havent reblogged them, im asking you ALL the hozier asksssss

welcome to ramble city

‘Hozier - How tall are you?

you’re so cruel hmph. the top of my head would be 1068′ 1.5″ off the ground if i was stood riiiight on top of the eiffel tower

Wasteland, Baby! - Have you ever fallen in love?

that’s a very very strong word to me and i didn’t let myself feel anything at all until a few years ago, which is weird to say but it’s true in a sense. the answer is complicated i guess? i had one crush for so long that it just pissed me off eventually, and then there’s the shallow kind of ‘oh she’s pretty’ crush i’ve had on a few girls. there’s only been one time where i thought i genuinely might if i got to know them well enough and it’s the most terrifying thing i’ve ever felt. (all of it was however an excellent boost to the amount of poetry i wrote dskjfghsd)

Nina Cried Power - What protest, today or in history, do you wish you could write a thank you note for?

i mean stonewall is the only one i can think of? extinction rebellion is sort of a contentious one because while they do an incredible job they did plan to disrupt heathrow airport by flying drones around it which is going to lose them a whole load more public support than it’s going to gain them

Almost (Sweet Music) - What’s your favorite style of music? Favorite song off this album?

ohhh! lots of complicated percussion/instrumentals in the background (think gold or believer by imagine dragons) and i have a soft spot for violins that can make you feel such powerful but intangible emotions (like in the intro to ‘cypress queen’ by the last buffalo). my favourite song off this album? i can confidently say that they will all in turn be my favourite, one by one, when the universe thinks i need them.

Movement - If you could move anywhere in the world at this very moment, with no restrictions, where would you move to and what lifestyle would you live?

i’ve thought about this one for a while and i honestly don’t know. i wouldn’t want to be in the type of suburbs where grey suddenly becomes the only emotion and you can taste the futility of life every time you breathe (which is a lot of places, my home probably included but for the fact i’ve lived there all my life so i see it as an exception). i wouldn’t want a mansion or a massive house? just somewhere cozy, probably, but for me i think having good friends live with or near me would be the most important thing. oh but very little light pollution and an awesome view of the stars and maybe the aurora borealis/austrialis 

No Plan - What’s one spontaneous thing you did that you have good memories of?

i managed to sneak out at one in the morning to meet a friend who was high on mdma. i know i’m tiny and i should be more scared for my wellbeing than i am but it’s such an incredible, ethereal time and if the world wasn’t slightly rotten at the core i’d go on so many walks around that time. plus mdma makes you really really affectionate and sappy so i was just walking next to a compliment machine with free weed for three hours, which is a very rare and novel experience

Nobody - What’s your favorite thing to do when no one is around?

be ten times more gay and also do a fuckton of spontaneous dancing/humming/singing, also talk to myself at full volume, and also be utterly unpresentable and thoroughly enjoy it

To Noise Making (Sing) - Do you play an instrument or sing? Do you want to learn an instrument?

i do sing. i sing as well as i play football, and in year two (i was five or six) my infant school brought in football coaches, and we were given instructions for some simple moves, and i was enjoying myself when i was called up to the front by the coaches to show the rest of the year my Moves, so i showed them all proud and stuff until a few seconds later the coach pointed at me and said, ‘watch this kids! now you know what not to do!’. everyone can sing. some never should.

As It Was - If you could go back in time with the knowledge you had now, but you had to redo the last ten years over again, would you?

honestly i don’t know. i hate how i was for a good five years of that past ten but i’m very happy with my life as it is right now, so i’d only do it if i knew i’d end up with the same friends (and maybe slightly better grades fsdjfkgsk)

Shrike - What’s your favorite plant or flower?

i don’t have a specific one but apple blossoms, sakura trees and willow trees are definitely special to me. i also love forget-me-nots becuase, huh, that’s half my life summed up. AAAARGHHH i swear i have a favourite but i can’t remember it for the life of me!! (also!! my parents caved to my hippie bee-loving attitude and they’re planting pretty much all the grassy space in my back garden with wildflowers which i’m ecstatic about too, we got enough seeds to cover it all for like £8)

Talk - Who is one writer/artist/creator that you wish you could talk to, dead or alive?

okay i know richard feynmann is a physicist but he wrote books too so technically it counts if i say him. i have so many fucking questions and so little time and if there’s a guy to argue about quantum physics about it’s him

Be - Where is your favorite place to be? In general? Right now?

i want to be home in my room with its incredibly messy decorations and slightly precarious bookshelves with a couple of my friends, in winter, snowing outside because climate change is a thing of the past, curled up with fleeces and hot chocolates watching either killing eve or otherwise something heartwarming and also gay

Dinner & Diatribes - If you could give an angry speech to anyone in the world right now, dead or alive, with no interruptions, who would it be?

ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro be

Would That I - What’s your biggest ‘would have, should have, could have’ moment?

most of it comes down to studying or school related stuff. i remember resolving to give up completely on even trying to go to school in year ten and it lost me a whole year, not even of just education, i barely remember anything from it full stop. i also bitterly regret not trying for a scholarship to this fancy boarding school in year six/seven because i don’t know how much different i’d be now but i definitely would be more well adjusted and self disciplined and hopefully ‘smarter’ in the ‘more knowledgeable’ sense. i was a coward and i still am but my god am i better now. i guess it still taught me to be scared shitless and push forward anyway for fear of regretting backing out

Sunlight - What is the weather like where you are right now? What’s your favorite kind of weather?

gorgeous belfast almost-impending-drizzle. it hangs over your shoulder like a permanent threat to destroy your paperwork and turn your awesome fluffy hair into an impeccable drowned rat cosplay

NWFWMB - Have you ever went through a natural disaster?

me, i’m a natural disaster

Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue) - What’s your favorite tongue/language?

i love spanish but i’ve never learned it much beyond school! i also love hearing spoken mandarin? there’s something about it and the way the sounds that makes me v happy. also no joke arabic is the prettiest language i’ve ever heard spoken and im booboo the fool for not realising it sooner like, DUDE??? HOW WAS I NOT AWARE OF THIS????

[xroguex1027]

My original idea for the climax in Julian's rout.

This has been sturing in my head for a while now. I will probably eddit it to have pictures and look like its part of the real game. Also I plan on redoing my Talldarkandrowdy blog in this style to give it more of a cyoa feel.

Without further ado here's my plan for when Julian gets his body back.

At this point he and the aprentice end up at the Rowdy Raven because after they have just been through they need a drink.This part would take place as they leave the Rowdy Raven.

Its cold out, a different kind of cold than in the devil's realm. I can feel it on my skin. It seems like it's been forever since I could experience temperature like this.

Julian must notice I'm cold becauase he wirelessly wraps his long arm over my shoulders as we walk.

Rogue: Thank you

Julian: I-Uh for what?

Rogue: For everything. For not giving up.

Julian: I couldnt have done without you.

Rogue: So cliche.

Julian: I told you I'm one for the classics my dear.

He tries to wink at me but it turns into a wince. I don't notice how unsteady he is until he nearly trips into a wall.

Rogue: I think you may have had too much to drink.

Julian: That wall moved right at the last second.

Rogue: We can sit down for a moment if you need to.

250 coins payed option

He eases down slowly. Maybe he's just not used to having his body back yet.

He brings his legs into his chest shuddering. His head is pressed against his knees.

Julian: I guess that last salty bitters Realy did me in.

Rogue: Here put your head in my lap.

His eyes find my face, his gaze is pained and heavy as he obediently lays his head on the flesh of my leg.

Julian: Ooft. Rogue you're making my head spin.

Rogue: Then close your eyes.

With a deep breath he allows his heavy eyes to shut and I lean down and kiss him lightly on the forehead.

A long deep moan riverbrates in Julian's throat.

My lips feel like fire pressed to his forehead.

He opens his eyes, lips parted slightly and reaches one pale hand up to thumb my cheekbone affectiinatly. The effort it takes to lift his arm seems to over whelm him.

It falls limp as his eyes close again. His breathing is labored his chest trimbles as it rises and falls.

Julian: You don't have to do this.

Rogue: I want to.

Julian: I just need six or so cups of coffee and ill be right as rain.

Rogue: I'm not sure coffee is the best thing for your stomach right now doctor.

Rogue: Besides...

Rogue: I want to take care of you.

I slink my hand through the generous opening in Julian's shirt. I can feel the juices percolating in his stomach under my palm.

I concentrate heavily on the heat of my palm and try to focus on the bubbles bouncing around inside of Julian.

Julian: Uh Rogue-What are you doing?

Rogue: Trying to help calm your stomach down.

Julian: I thought I was the doctor.

Rogue: You could stand to be the patient sometimes too.

There. How does that feel?

Julian's stomach gives one more whisper of a gurgle before he sits up.

Julian: It's uh, a lot better actually, maybe we should go for another round.

At my dissaproving expression he quickly withdraws his statement.

Julian: You're right. Maybe its best we don't. Thanks Rogue. I feel a lot better.

I brush the hair out of his eyes and kiss him on the forehead once again. His head still feels warm.

Rogue: You sure you okay?

I preform a ritualistic comparison between his forehead and cheeks.

Julian: Never better my dear. But I could definitely go for a big warm blanket and some big fluffy pillows. Care to join me?

Rogue: All right but you gotta share the blanket.

Julian: Wouldn't want it any other way.

About a mile from Mazelinka's he stops. His eyes scour the alley ways nervously. A grim look crosses his face.

Rogue: Is it your stomach again?

Julian shakes his head, startled by my voice. Its as though he forgot I was there.

He blinks his eyes a few times trying to reorient himself.

Julian: I'm fine. I-just forgot where we were for a sec. This way.

Julian knows the streets of Vesuvia better than anybody. Its not like him to lose his bearings like that.

When we get to Mazelinka's he insists on giving me a boost through the window.

I climb inside, careful to mind the flower vase as I bump the table.

She doesn't seem to be home.

Julian stumbles in after me, worse than usual. I miss an opportunity to remind him to be careful as he streigtens up.

Julian: Ooft.

Rogue: Watch your head.

Julian: Thanks Rogue that's helpful advice. Ill be sure to use that in the future.

I chuckle at his sarcasm.

Julian: Huh. Guess nobodies here.

He waggles his eyebrows at me but a hellaciouse rumble in his stomach throws off his finness.

Julian: I don't know what Barth put in those bitters but next time I want twelve.

He grins and slumps down in a big warm chair by the fire.

Julian: If they dont make me puke first.

Payed option 150

Rogue: Dont worry. I know just the thing to ease a sour stomach.

Julian looks like he is about to protest but another roar from his stomach agrees with me before he can say anything.

I begin to search Mazelinka's cabinets. I'm sure she wont mind if I barrow a few things. Especialy if its to help Julian.

Julian: Is it from getting our bodies back? Does that have...

Julian: Side effects like this.

Rogue: could be. But I feel fine. Maybe traveling through so many realms has you a little motion sick.

Julian: Ha. Nonsense I've spent enough time on boats that I'm pretty much immune to wobbly sea legs now.

I put the finishing touches in his drink, some crushed ginger root and a drop of something to make the drink efervecent.

Rogue: Here drink this.

He guzzles the drink. I watch as his atoms apple bobs up and down collecting the necter I've given him.

I hear it coarsing down his throat with each gulp.

As he swallows the bitter drink, his belly begins to swell with bubbles. I can hear them like a pot boiling over.

When he's finished both eyes are watering from chugging so hard.

Julian startles at a belch and sheepishly excuses himself.

Rogue: Don't excuse yourself yet, there's plenty more coming.

Its a drink Asra made for me one time when I ate something I shouldnt have. It was before I had any memories back, when I was still comatose.

Rogue: It'll keep you from getting sick to your stomach but it will make you burp constantly for about an hour.

Julian burps again and puts a fist over his mouth.

Julian: You couldn't have told me that before I chugged a quart of it.

He barely manages to finish his sentense before burping again.

He presses the back of his hand to his mouth trying to be polite as another sneaks up him.

Rogue: Just let it out. You'll feel better.

Julian opens his mouth to speak but all that comes out is big bubbles of air. Each bealch deeper and longer than last.

Julian: What did you do to me Rogue?

He goes over to the open window and drops down onto his knees.

He isn't sick though. Every time he thinks his stomach is about to turn inside out he just belches Realy loud.

Finally, after an aprorious battle with his insides Julian is quiet.

[blacksheep28]

IKEA Days

The group headed for the door.

She paused, heading for the living room to dig out her keys and nab her real clothes. “Hey, you boys can start the car, I need to change real quick.” The keys were pressed into the hands of whoever was closest before dashing off to get ready. Papyrus gasped, practically exploding with excitement at being entrusted with the keys. The group headed out. “we’re just starting the car, not driving it,” Papyrus reminded them.

Once she had a bra on again and she’d smoothed out her hair as much as possible, Shannon rejoined the boys outside. “So where to first?” “PAPYRUS MENTIONED A PLACE CALLED IKEA THAT SELLS FURNITURE PUZZLES!” Sans exclaimed eagerly. "Yep, it sure does." This would be fine, right? She'd put together IKEA furniture before. It couldn't be that bad. "Alright. Figure out where you're all sitting and hop in, I'll drive." The lazy Papyrus settled into the back while the other Papyrus and Sans engaged in a staring contest. Sans looked at them from the front seat. “that seems intense.” Papyrus whipped to look at him. “SANS! WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?” "Well. Shotgun it is. Hope you can navigate well, Sans," Shannon shot over at him with a smile. "Middle row or back row, you two, we have places to be." The shocked pair clambered into the back and settled down. Sans chuckled. “I’m a great guide.” "Alrighty, guide us safely to the mystical land of IKEA, my greatest guide." Shannon pulled out of the driveway and headed towards the city, flipping on the radio and offering out an AUX cord. "Any of you have musical preference?" “better than girl guides,” Sans joked. He pulled out the map. “OH! I LIKE FAST MUSIC!” Papyrus volunteered. “BATTLE MUSIC!” Sans added. “how about swing?” Papyrus asked. "I'm going to pretend you mean the Canadian version of Girl Scouts and spare you from my fist in your face," she smiled sweetly, then tossed the cord back towards the middle console. "I like it all, take turns." Shannon suddenly felt like she was thirteen again and helping take care of too many children at once. Sans blinked. “girl scouts? not girl guides?” So many jokes he’d have to redo. Papyrus took the cord first and blasted out  Everything is Awesome. "That what we call it where I'm from." Shannon raised a brow at the music, but didn't take back her cord and tapped her finger along the wheel in time when she found the beat. Sans directed Shannon along as Papyrus took over and put on Sing Sing by Benny Goodman. Her tapping switched immediately to the old fingerings she remembered on the tenor. "Whoever picked this wins definite brownie points," Shannon shouted back towards the boys. Papyrus grinned. “will hold you to that honey.” She grinned towards her rear view mirror and felt a little remorse when they pulled up to the IKEA. It was fun getting to know their music tastes, in her opinion. "Okay, so this place is easy to get lost in. Nobody wander off," Shannon stressed, pointing at Sans and Sans. "You especially. I could spot the others from a mile away, but I'd lose you two forever." “got it. no wondering.” “SANS! SHE SAID NO WANDERING!” “right. no wondering about wandering.” “SANS!” “i’ll just have to wander on wondering.” Papyrus screeched in anguish, the relaxed Papyrus chuckling while the energetic Sans looked torn. Shannon stared blankly at the exchange. "...I didn't get enough sleep for this. Sans, you stay with me." She took his hand in hers and held on tight. "Is there anyone else I need to physically hold on to?" Sans looked at her holding his right hand. “something’s right.” Papyrus looked like he was fighting the urge to kill his brother. The other Sans looked pained at that one himself. The sweatshirt Papyrus slumped over to Shannon’s other side. “i don’t want to get left behind.” At first her cheeks flushed. Then the word play hit her and she tipped her head back and groaned, slipping a hand into Papyrus' anyway. "You two are terrible. Come on, let's go get some furniture." She dragged the group inside and asked where they wanted to begin. "What do we need to get first?" “BEDS FOR EVERYONE,” Papyrus stated. "So we need two beds, I'm assuming the beds you've already got at home are still in tact," Shannon nodded. "So we are going to 'bedroom', follow me." The group traveled through, the occasional customer and employee watching them curiously. Monsters were still an oddity with how rare they were.

“HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?” Sans suggested, pointing to a bed that looked really hard to assemble. “why don’t we test it,” Sans joked. "It looks nice. Let's see." Her hand left Sans' for exactly three seconds to test the bed's sturdiness, and there he went. She grabbed for him immediately. "Whoa, hey, no wandering off. You already have a bed, mister, don't make me pull a Girlfriend Move and have you keep your hands in my pockets," she threatened with a glare. Sans chuckled. “worth a try.” Sans examined the bed. “IT LOOKS STURDY.” Papyrus hummed resting his head on Shannon. “looks good.” "Why don't you test it out, Sans?" She looked to the skeleton in her grasp and squeezed slightly. "Not you. You stay here." “gonna leave me sans bed?” Sans face palmed. “THAT IS MY NAME AS WELL,” he complained. He sat on the bed and bounced slightly. “IT’S COMFY!” Shannon smiled towards the energetic Sans in need of a bed and let go just long enough to give a light smack to the back of the other Sans' head. "That's great! How about you, Papyrus, see anything you want to try?" Sans chuckled at the smack, only half heartedly even attempting to dodge. “I DO NOT NEED A BED! MY RACECAR BED IS VERY COOL AND SUITS ALL MY NEEDS!” Papyrus answered. “think she meant me,” the other Papyrus muttered awkwardly. He slouched down. "Yeah, I did mean this one," she clarified, jiggling Papyrus' hand in hers slightly with a hum. "This... Might get confusing if you boys are all going to stay together. Maybe we should come up with a naming system." Sans unfortunately lit up. “how about comic for me?” “WHAT? WHY?” Papyrus asked. “cause i’m comical.” Shannon bit back a laugh and looked at Papyrus and Sans' strained expressions. "Not that it isn't fitting, but let's choose something that won't give half the household an aneurysm, maybe." “I COULD BE GUARD!” Sans suggested brightly. “could just call me pal,” Papyrus suggested lazily. “PAPS! THAT’S NOT A PROPER NICKNAME!” "I mean, if you'd like that, little blue dude," she agreed before turning to address possibly the worst nickname she'd heard yet. "And that is just truly awful, orange, I'd mix you up with people in a heartbeat. No way." Sans blushed blue again, before quickly forcing his magic back. Why did he like the way that sounded? Papyrus chuckled looking down at his hoodie. “huh. orange works.”

“what about bill?” Sans suggested straight faced. Shannon took a look at 'Orange' and chuckled softly. "You know what, it's unique. It works." She eyed Sans suspiciously-- After that comic suggestion, there was no way this wasn't a trap. Somehow. "Bill sounds fine. If that's what you want."

“THAT’S VERY MATURE OF YOU,” Papyrus congratulated. Sans immediately started humming the Bill Nye theme song. Papyrus twitched. “NYEH!” It took every ounce of self control to snap her mouth shut and keep from chanting along. She twitched, before completely dissolving into giggles. Sans grinned widely, looking completely pleased with her response. Orange Papyrus snickered as well, while the other two looked simply exasperated by their lack of maturity. “HARD TO BELIEVE THEY’RE OLDER,” Sans commented. “Okay, so you’re officially forgiven for wandering off earlier,” Shannon gasped through her dying laughter. “Whew.” She shot a look at the skeletons still holding her hands and raised a brow. “Really? You two are older?” “yup.” Sans grinned at her. “YOU WOULD NEVER GUESS IT FROM HIS BEHAVIOR,” Papyrus pouted. Her eyes flitted between the sets of siblings curiously. “No, no, I see it. Me and my brother are the same way,” Shannon admitted with an amused sigh. “When I was in grade school I helped him with his high school homework.” Orange and Bill looked impressed, while Sans and Papyrus gasped in awe. They looked absolutely ecstatic. “WOWIE! YOU MUST BE BRILLIANT!” Papyrus cheered. “I BET YOU’RE GREAT AT PUZZLES!” Sans exclaimed. The praise made her want to sink into the mattress in front of them and never resurface, but puzzles? Shannon lit up. “I do like puzzles! Mysteries are my favorite, but I like all kinds!” she gushed excitedly, squeezing Bill and Orange’s hands. Orange happily squeezed her hand back. “IT’LL BE GREAT PUTTING THE BEDS TOGETHER,” Papyrus said happily. He and Sans walked over and picked up the huge boxes the beds came in. “I’m sure it will be,” she smiled before her entire expression froze at the sight. They were just picking up the beds, like they were nothing. “I... Wow, monsters sure are strong, huh. Do you— Do you two wanna set those down somewhere before we continue?” “WE CAN PUT IT IN OUR PHONES,” Papyrus answered. “BUT SHOULDN’T WE PAY FIRST?”

Shannon looked around to find the direction of the checkout before she paused, whirling back around to Papyrus. “Wait, phones? Do you have a QR scanner or something?”

“A WHAT?” Papyrus asked. “a qr scanner. handheld device that scans an item to help people buy it,” Bill answered. “NO, WE DON’T HAVE THAT. WE JUST STORE ITEMS DIRECTLY,” Sans said.

“What the hell does— What do you mean, you store items directly?” she asked with a nervous laugh. “Do you have like hammerspace in your cell phones?”

“basically,” Orange admitted. “DO HUMANS NOT HAVE THAT?” Sans asked. “HUMANS LACK A LOT OF BASICS,” Papyrus explained. “WE ARE WORKING TO HELP WITH THAT BUT IT IS SLOW.” “their science has stuff we didn’t know,” Bill pointed out.

Shannon took a minute to just stare at the ground, slightly agape. Actual endless space inventory was a thing to monsters, and also basic. “I...really need to learn more about monster magic,” she sighed softly, straightening up.

“WE CAN TEACH YOU!” Papyrus immediately volunteered.

“You know? I’d like that,” Shannon smiled. “But primary mission first— Let’s take these up to checkout to put on hold.”

The group walked to the front. Every single human they walked past, employee and customer, stopped and stared at the floating boxes following the skeletons.

Shannon leaned across the service counter to scribble her name on a piece of paper. “We’re buying these, but we have some more looking around to do,” she explained with a smile. The employee took their ticket without a word and Shannon moved the group away, reclaiming Bill and Orange’s hands. “So what else, boys?”

The bed boxes were put down and they continued in. “still need mattresses and blankets,” Orange noted.

“CLOTHES TOO,” Sans added. “IT’S BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE YOUR HOODIE WAS WASHED.” Orange shrugged lazily.

"Okay, so back to the bedroom. And we'll stop by a clothing store on the way home, if you'd like," Shannon offered, leading the way back to the right section. "There's actually a mall in the center of town."

“sounds good to me,” Bill said lazily. The group tested a few mattresses, Orange letting go to flop face first into one while Sans yelled at him for being lazy.

She grinned at Orange's behavior and followed suit, hopping down on the bed beside him. How could she pass up the chance to test out a mattress? "Oh, this one's a good one. Gives just a little, firm support."

“SHANNON! DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM!” Sans scolded. Papyrus picked up Bill where he had somehow managed to fall asleep while standing.

"How else would you test the mattress, little blue dude?" she shot back, lifting her head just enough to grin up at him.

“THAT-IT-“ Sans spluttered a little. His cheeks tinted faintly blue. “THAT NICKNAME IS LONGER THAN MY ACTUAL NAME!” He finally got out.

Her grin turned into a softer, sweet smile upon seeing Sans' reaction. "Yes it is, but you do know I'm talking to you," Shannon hummed in amusement. "Would you prefer little blue?"

His blush increased further and Papyrus laughed softly. Orange grinned. “yeah little bro. that work?”

"Little Blue?" she sang playfully. "I'm waiting on an answer here, it's rude to make a lady wait."

“IT’S FINE!” Blue ducked down, really embarrassed now. The nickname was awfully sweet. Papyrus walked over with Bill under his arms. “SO THIS MATTRESS GOOD?” Orange lazily have a thumbs up.

Shannon laughed and let him be before the poor thing died of blue face. "Okay, then let's get it for you," she said to Orange, offering out a hand to coax him up from the mattress. "And get off it so we can bring it home."

“you can bring me with the mattress,” Orange suggested. “PA-ORANGE!” Blue scolded.

"Orange." Shannon paused and instead of prying him from the bed, used her previously offered hand to try and tickle him from the bed. Her fingers danced along where his rib cage would be.

Orange jolted and rolled off the mattress to escape the tickles, nyeh hehing quietly. Blue grinned happily and grabbed the mattress with his magic.

"There we go, one upright skeleton," she said proudly, grinning. "I'm getting pretty good at wrangling you boys, you know? Might have to make it a full time job. Now, off to blankets!"

“THAT SOUNDS GREAT!” Papyrus exclaimed. “THEN YOU COULD BE WITH US ALL THE TIME!” Blue raced off to deposit the mattresses with the bed frames before coming back and picking out blankets. Blue picked out a blanket covered with racing comets and planets while Orange picked out a blanket with a spiral on it.

Shannon paused. It was definitely something for him to take it so literally. "I-- I'd really love to, big guy, but I have a job and bills to pay," she laughed, feeling her face redden. The blankets weren't what she would have expected for the brothers, though to be fair, they weren't very close yet. "I like them. Good choices, Blue, Orange. You two all set on bed stuff?"

Papyrus sagged. “OH. BUT WE CAN HANG OUT AFTER RIGHT?”

"We sure can," she promised with a reassuring pat on Papyrus' arm. “seems so,” Orange agreed. Blue looked around. “WHERE’S BILL?”

"Oh, shoot, I let go of him for one second--". Shannon looked around and retraced their steps for a good few minutes before sighing and taking in a deep breath. "Papyrus, forgive me for what I'm about to do. Ahem-- WHAT'S THE MATTER, BILL?"

His voice came from a bin full of pillows. “everything...everything is matter.” Papyrus stared at the bin as if it had betrayed him, his children, and everything he believed in. “except energy, of course.”

She grinned and marched over towards the stack of pillows to peer inside. "There's my little meme buddy. Come on, Bill, let's go. Sooner we get done with chores, the sooner you can take a real nap."

“pretty comfy here.” Contrary to his words he pushed himself up. Maybe working so long on the machine hadn’t been his best idea. He just really didn’t want to wake up to find things reset. There was a reason he mostly napped instead of sleeping through the night. Blue and Orange carried their blankets to add to their cargo. “just clothes now, right?” Orange asked.

A hand stretched out to help him from the bin. "Yeah, yeah, we'll make something just as comfy when I take you home," she promised. "And... Let's see, I think so? I'm just the valet here, boys." Blue and Papyrus carefully went over everything. “PILLOWS!” Papyrus exclaimed. “right here bro.” Bill slipped the pillows onto the pile and Papyrus grinned. “NOW WE’RE GOOD!” Blue announced. They paid, took out their phones-and somehow got it all in them.

"And there we go, all set!" Shannon just watched as the group made their purchases and the items literally disappeared into their phones-- It was hard not to stare. "Wow, you guys... Were not kidding. Okay, good to know."

“DO YOU WANT YOUR PHONE UPDATED?” Papyrus asked kindly as the group headed back to the car. This time Orange stole shotgun.

She unlocked the car with a little beep and slid into the driver's seat. "Thanks, Paps, but I don't think human technology is even capable of an upgrade that advanced," Shannon laughed softly. "You ready to be my first mate, Orange?" “aye aye captain,” Orange teased. Papyrus looked rather shocked. “DO YOU NEED A NEW PHONE THEN?” Blue asked in concern. "What? Oh, probably, but I hate the new phones. They're too big for my little baby hands," Shannon laughed, tossing back the AUX cord while she started up the engine. "Plus they're expensive, Blue, don't worry about it."

“YOU SURE?” Papyrus asked. “IT SEEMS RATHER REMISS TO LET YOU GO WITHOUT SUCH BASIC TECHNOLOGY.”

The car started off in the right direction at least, and Shannon smiled into her rearview mirror. "Don't worry about it, Papyrus, like I said-- It's very expensive. I don't really have the need or the money right now."

Orange carefully gave directions as they drove, far more precise than Bill had. “ALRIGHT.” Blue put on This is War by Thirty Seconds to Mars.

She was ever grateful for Orange's competent dictation. Driving to unfamiliar areas was a nightmare. "Interesting choice, Blue," Shannon hummed curiously, "Didn't peg you for this kinda guy." “IT’S GREAT!” Blue enthused. “THE PASSION! THE RHYTHM!”

"I'll have to introduce you to EDM some time," she smiled.

“SOUNDS GOOD,” Blue said happily. Bill accepted the aux cord and put on Saskatchewan Pirates. Shannon's eyebrows raised at the music choice, but she said nothing-- Some of her music choices were garbage. High quality garbage.

“MY TURN! NYEH!” Papyrus happily seized the aux cord. Can’t Stop the Feeling by Justin Timberlake played out, Papyrus and Blue dancing to it. "Oh, good one!" Her hands slapped at the wheel to the beat, head bobbing back and forth in lieu of actual dancing while driving. Shannon sang along to every word and grinned over at her first mate while paused at a stop light.

For just driving to get clothes it was fun.

[kosmicdream]

Your Comic Baby

You know that comic or story that you made when you were a teenager (or sometimes even younger) that propelled you to really WANT to create it. FOR REAL. You put all your energy towards it, for years, determined that it was going to be the one you HAD to make. But then something doesnt go right because, comics are hard-- so you start over and over and over and each reboot gets a bit more discouraging because you have SO MUCH planned out for this thing and you’re just stuck in the loop of redoing the first 5 pages every couple of years. But something about that story, you just cant let go of. You still want to make it happen because you’ve invested and dedicated so much into it. I know that feeling. I call those stories.. your Comic Baby.

You might have a lot of babies. I know I do. But there’s always this one certain comic baby that i struggle with more than the others. Its a difficult baby because I first made this baby when I was 13. And over the course of my highschool years, I was very outspoken about how i was going to really make this a real book for everyone to read. I was constantly working on it, even taking sketchbooks and clipboards to draw it or the characters in class. People were waiting to read this story because they could see how passionate about it I was. But comics were a lot harder than I thought they would be in my mind. I mean, i knew they would be difficult but it was like my art wasn’t as good as I knew it could be when i drew comics. I didn’t get it. And I’d learn so much and so fast that once i got one chapter finished and ready to read, i didn’t like it anymore.

This process went on until i graduated highschool. This dream of making a comic. Specifically THIS comic. I had a lot of stories i was planning on doing, but there was this one comic i really REALLY invested just. My maximum comic energy into. It was different from the other comics and stories. Not that the other ones werent good, they just didnt have the same bond with me that I had with this story. This comic baby was gonna be the thing i was going to be known for and be the first comic i would presented into the world. And in the end.. it actually wasn’t.

I mean, it was, in a way. Eggshells is a prequel to that baby comic. Set in the same universe. Part of the same story, more like a mini test version reboot of the One True Baby Comic. I decided to give the comics thing another try and started to work on eggshells in August 2011, then to ink in Febuary 2012 and finally started to post it in 2013.. sometime.

I took a really long break from comics between finishing highschool and starting eggshells. I would try here and there, but not getting this baby comic out when i was still IN highschool somehow made me feel like a failure of an artist. I was very hard on myself. I didn’t really know if i was even capable of BEING a comic artist because my comics weren’t coming out how i wanted and I couldn’t finish anything. Besides that, I didn’t even know if I could even make them as a career. (I still don’t know if I can but I know I’m going to continue to try.)

When I decided to start Eggshells, i decided that it would be another attempt at my favorite baby comic because I knew that if any of my stories had the emotional legs to motivate me to get through to the final page-- it would be that one. That special baby comic. I poured so much work into planning and preparing everything in a very tradition sense. Scripts, thumbnails, drawing layouts and props and character turn arounds.. ect ect.

Then the fire happened and I lost my ‘comic bible’ of sorts. The rough draft sketches of the entire thing. It was very sad.

But even before then, actually inking pages was not very fun. Because the process i made for it was .. not very fun. I was running into the same walls that I always had when rendering comic panels. It just was too slow and I couldn’t get a consistent look that i wanted. I wasn’t sure where to put detail (or balance the detail) so I would over render constantly. I would zoom in too much. I didn’t know how much to shade and word bubbles annoyed me. I wasn’t very satisfied and I would spend way too much time on each page.

I felt pretty exhausted after trying to ink it for one year and not even getting through the first chapter. Doubt and old dread of not being capable of a comic artist weighed on my shoulders. Of course then, when the fire happened, i just decided to put all that aside again. My life kinda was.. thrown in a loop.

Similarly, my life has been thrown in another one of those loops. A different kind but still, the same sort of disoriented “where the fuck should i live” kind of things. Some of these feelings have come back, the anxieties and unsureness but.. mostly just remembering about them rather than feeling the SAME things. I have acquired a sense of accomplishment in my art .. just with a totally different comic that came out of no-where. (the worm one, you know.)

My relationship with my art has changed so much at this point and I’m so.. not.. what i had predicted for myself?? Not in a negative way. its just odd. FFAK is such a different comic than i thought I would make too. I would describe the experience of working on FFAK as like, im in a shitty junkyard car and ive decided to slam on the gas as hard as i can and see how far it’ll go. Then it just didn’t stop. It took me on a fucking journey but at 90 miles per hour. No careful consideration, so much explicit violence and sex, aggressive confrontations and social commentary. Sex hat jokes. I really got to see a side of myself that this story continues to bring out. And as I worked on ffak more and more, I would sometimes look over at the passenger seat at the Comic Baby. Crossing their arms judgmentally at me and giving me a look like “Having fun? What about ME? Wasn’t I the important one to you?? Am I not special anymore???”

So sometimes i’d feel bad. And try to work on that one again.. but it didn’t make me feel good. I felt like i had to ride the FFAK wave because that was what was happening in the present and I was discovering too much about myself to go back to this older thing that i had a frustrating history with. It wasn’t that I didn’t LOVE the other story, it just didn’t feel right to work on then. So i just let myself focus on where my energy was wanting to go: The Worm Fucks. And the worm fuck comic is the one people read first. Its the first comic of my own i really got to.. read and experience more than just the first chapter. Its been amazing but its so weird. I feel like its a different kind of artist that makes it sometimes.

I don’t regret the worm fuck comic being the one I’m known for but its still funny to me how easily it might have never happened. If the fire hadn’t taken away so much of my work, I probably would be still slowly pushing out pages for eggshells. Or maybe I would have given up and moved on to do something else with my art career? I don’t know. All i know is what I ended up doing was this weird worm comic that is still going on for .. thousands of pages! and has no end in sight! I didnt even expect eggshells to last 1,000 pages but now I can tell my page-pacing is different than how i expected. I still haven’t even finished a comic yet. Its weird? Am I able to finish comics? I guess I don’t know yet because I haven’t. i might “know” endings to my stories but its very different when actually getting it done. I understand that life is more complicated than that and things like fires can change the circumstances in 10 minutes.

So I’m feeling a fear about this uncertain future I’m facing, I’m seeing that I have to make a lot of huge life changes for where I am going to live and what I have to do to make money to support myself. I’m scared that my routine ive established with FFAK will have to change. I wonder if I’ll never be able to replicate the same exact “throw it all into the wind” energy of working like I was able to.. at least I know I can’t right now, because I need to be careful and calculated again. My surroundings arent stable enough for me to dive headfirst into my projects.

With that I’ve noticed I’m drawing eggshells a little bit and enjoying it like I haven’t before. Is it what I need right now? It feels weirdly comforting to know that, no matter what the history i have with this comic, I’ll come back to it and continue to pick at it a little. it makes me feel like, no matter where I’m going to be in this world physically-- my comics will come along with me and they dont have to leave. they arent a product of circumstance. I can get right back on the horse. Its just part of my life that doesn’t have to go away or be taken away from me. Its a nice secure feeling that there’s this art thing isnt something I have to start over. I’d rather build on what I’ve got and it might take me a long time but I enjoy the journey. That feels good to me.

Anyway, even if I’m scared about where i’ll go from here I know i’ll have my car of screaming comic babies at all different ages that are demanding my attention. and some are more patient than others, i’ve totally ditched some babies along the way that i might pick back up later or merge with other babies through some horrific experiment. I’ll even make some new ones because life inspires me constantly and I have so many problems to sort out and what better way than to project on some cool anime characters. but i love all my comic babies!!!!!! and they love me. i have unique and interesting histories with all of them.

comic baby is such a creepy word but it really feels like they are your strange brain children that are also you. i don’t ever want children of my own, but i can see that i pour.. small small aspects of that i think that energy might be into my comics. (im not pretending its actually the same thing to be perfectly clear.) They take up all your time + energy and make you constantly lose sleep..and they grow distinct personalities that you dont expect and have to deal with.. people will judge you for them and how you “raise” them (make them), you’re endlessly proud of these babies and protective and shed tears for them and want them to SUCCEED and live on forever. you want other people to love them TOO and see the best parts of them, for all their flaws. You want em all to grow up as you hoped or planned but they wont at all. They’ll be totally different but also better than you could have imagined.

Comics & Art are such a special thing to get to experience. While i hope that i can make my dreams a reality with my art, I know that they’ll always be an integral part of my life + how i experience and see life and i’m so thankful ive decided to really let room for it there. Its amazing to me that i almost thought it wouldn’t. and i wasnt going to be allowed to be happy with my art because it wasn’t good enough and i wasn’t enough. but i am. and it is good.

Thank you for reading. -Kosmic

[theochelpsquad]

Lina Schlitz (Shingeki no Kyojin OC)

HEYAAAAAAAA its me again i made a really big mess of the old char sheet because i did it at like 3am so i decided i would redo it !! thanks again <333 

H: it’s fine! For the second time (bc Mod Eris is lazy!!!!) I’ll be the only reviewer. Under the cut, because this one is long!

Name: Lina Schlitz - リナシュリッツ

H: Shlitz is actually a name that has mid-German origins--nothing to fix here, it’s right on the SnK map!

Nicknames: Querida - pet in portuguese, given by her grandma. Idiot - given by some of her squad members. (i dont really have any other ideas for nicknames plz alp)

H: Most nicknames I’ve had or given come from inside jokes or shared experiences--a joke about her age when she started training or an alias from a battle, maybe?

Age: 17

Gender: Female

Birthday: 18/11/833 - scorpio (so she would be in the …. 102nd squad i think ? as she would be 17 by the time eren, mikasa, armin & the squad were 15… .although i kinda wanna make her older . .. should i?)

H: I honestly like making my characters older--older characters have more extensive backstories and more room for creativity. However, it’s your choice in the end! (And I’m pretty sure if she was 17 while the trio were 15, she’d be in the 102nd.)

Faceclaim: michiko malandro (from michiko and hatchin)

(i think this one is the most accurate - hairstyle , face, everything, n expression)

(without the chains tho… and the survey corps uniform… and shorter hair)

H: She’s so pretty cri

-personality:

positives;

brave - lina is not afraid to put herself in danger or do risky things, so she can get things done better than most people

decisive - she can throw her humanity out of the window to make decisions

honest - she doesn’t really care what people think of her, so she will often say what she thinks to your face

direct - as above, lina gets straight to the point 

observant - she often notices the little details, from environment to facial expressions or body language

realistic - she knows that she might die any day, and she lives life to the fullest

simple - relating to her trait of being realistic, lina views life in a simple way - you either die or you don’t, and if you don’t, then you better make the most of it

kind - despite not showing it much, lina is actually quite kind due to her grandparents and parents raising her to be a good lil child

neutrals;

competitive - she loves a good competition and will never back down from a challenge

sarcastic - lina uses sarcasm to make people laugh and hide her true feelings

unsentimental - as mentioned in her trait description of decisive, she knows that her 

comrades, family, and friends can die any day and they have a high chance of it too, so lina detaches herself from them as much as possible

tough - lina can power through a lot of situations, as she contains her emotions on the inside

calculating - she can observe a situation and make a decision off of it, but also she is good at making plans

strong-willed - lina will not give up. ever. no way hozay

perfectionist - everything must be perfect - including her statistics, battle technique, horse, and mostly everything under the sun. however most things aren’t perfect which annoys her to no end

negative;

cocky - lina can often overestimate herself, in battle and in casual situations, which leads to her putting herself and her comrades in danger

brittle - her emotions are easily hurt, although she doesn’t show it

manipulative - lina will lead people on if it benefits her

compulsive - she often acts off of instincts and emotions alone, tying in with being cocky

disrespectful - adding in to lina’s trait of being honest, she often disrespects her superiors, elders, and anyone on the planet if she feels like it - which doesn’t make her that likeable 

hostile - being hostile to keep people at a distance means that lina doesn’t have many friends

inconsiderate - as long as it is good enough for lina, it is good enough for you so you better not complain got it got it ok

messy - lina’s bed is often unmade and her appearance is disheveled

mannerless - tying in with being disrespectful, she often licks her plates, chews with her mouth open, talks while speaking, disrespects her superiors, ect

neurotic - despite not showing it, lina often has anxiety attacks about her past and friends, and what will happen to her (her symptoms include nausea, fear of dying, a racing heart, and heightened senses - including trembling and sweating, also staring off into space)

possessive - lina is possessive of her possessions, her friends, herself, and mostly everything that she views belongs to her

procrastinator - she often pushes things like apologising, doing training, and eating, off until the last minute

sly - tying in with lina’s trait of being manipulative, she can worm her way into someones mind quite easily and manipulate them for her own gain

uncooperative - she is terrible at teamwork, believing that everyone is ‘cramping her style’ and slowing her down, so she often refuses to work in a team and has to be forced - unless she is the leader, and then she loves to boss everyone around

sadistic - lina enjoys cutting the limbs off of titans before she kills them, however only ones that remind her of the one that killed her grandma and family - the others she has a strange interest in

cold - she often pushes people away, rejects friendship offers, and isolates herself

stubborn - once lina has decided she is doing something, there is no changing her mind

hot-tempered - she often flies off of the handle when provoked or annoyed, or if she is in a bad mood

H: So, from skimming, I’m summarizing her personality as appearing outwardly cold (though she doesn’t always mean to be) but actually being a lot different and less intense when you get to know her.

-appearance:

Hair Colour: brown-black

Hair Length/Style: mid-back length, extremely straight - tied in a high ponytail (so it is around the length of kristas/sashas)

Eye Colour: nut brown (very dark brown) with bits of lighter brown

Skin Colour: bronze-coloured

H; Seeing as the SnKverse is mostly white and light-skinned, how does her race affect her life? I’m guessing that once the Titans arrive, people don’t care what the heck you look like if you’re the one saving their asses, but maybe when she was a child?

Body build: mesomorph, a mix of hourglass and inverted triangle - lean

H: As she continues her training, she’ll begin losing weight and her hourglass figure will be less dramatic. If you want to write/draw her according to the timeline of her training, that’s a good thing to keep in mind!

Demeanor: relaxed - arms crossed, leaning on walls, slouched in chairs, head tilted back, head resting on table

Ethnicity: Brazilian/Portuguese/German/English (where is the story set in ??? nobody knows)

H: I’m not certain myself, but I made a post on where the story most likely takes place. Brazil isn’t on the map, though. You could make her Brazilian ancestry from her grandparents or great-grandparents who immigrated north. Then again, the map isn’t canon, so who cares?

Height: 5'3

Weight: 8 stone 6

H: She’s slightly underweight, but enough that’s it’s realistic for a malnourished environment.

Scars: One down her right arm, due to when a titan had her in its mouth during an expedition and, although one of her teammates killed it, it’s jaw fell onto her arm when it hit the ground and broke her arm.

-statistics:

Combat: 9/10

Hand to Hand Combat: 7/10

Agility: 4/10

Initiative: 8/10

Wits: 5/10

Teamwork: 4/10

3D Maneuvering Gear: 6/10

Offense: 9/10

Defense: 4/10

Cockiness: 10/10

Titan Kills: 

Solo: 11

In team: 21 (is this ok ?? i assumed since she was 2 years older, p good at fighting, and in the scouting legion, that she would have a higher kill count than say, mikasa, even though she’s an ackerman, because mikasa is 2 years younger and hasn’t been on that many expeditions)

H: Sure! The 102nd would most likely have a pretty high kill count,seeing as a lot of battles happen after their training.

Grad Rank: 1st (ahh is this ok too? i thought since she was in the 102nd squad, and her family was in the military, that she could be 1st since there aren’t any y'know titan shifters or ackermans in her squad)

H: Also fine! The 104th was a special case--standards likely wouldn’t be as high in other training corps.

Grade: A

background:

lina’s ancestors moved with most of the world to germany inside the walls, the only safe place on the eartha lot of her family died on the way, only two survived along with a few other people - a wife and her husband, alanza and lucas santos - not much older than 18.

when they made it to the walls, they were given a small, one bedroom house inside wall maria, shinganshina district as they were one of the last people to arrive.

after a few years, they had a child together, and his name was to be victor. they taught their native language, portuguese told him to teach it to his future children to keep their country alive.

lucas decided to enroll in the military and joined the garrison to try and keep his family safe, but he was tragically killed when an abnormal titan flung themselves on top of the wall and ran along it, crushing the garrison underfoot.

it was eventually killed, with the help of one of the first elite teams and the scouting legion. lucas was one of the soldiers tragically killed in the attack and alanza was left to raise victor by herself.

when victor was a teenager, he too joined the military - scouting legion - despite his mothers wishes. he managed to survive, however, long enough for him to be promoted to team leader - and for his arm to be bitten off in a mission, not long after his promotion. he was discharged by the military and met a girl by the name of hanna.

it was love at first sight, and they married only a few months after they met - after all, they could die at any time. alanza was soon a grandmother to a child of the name sofia.

by this time, the schlitz/santos line had become quite legendary in the walls, due to their skill and unwavering determination to help mankind. this cycle of the generations was continued until it got to maria and dedrick - lina’s grandparents. their father, abe, had been brutally eaten alive by a titan. due to this they were both firmly against any of their children or grandchildren joining the military in fear of their safety, and so the cycle ended. that is, until lina was born from delmira and adelchi - maria and dedrick’s daughter and step-son.

as soon as abe saw her face he knew she would join the military despite anyones wishes. as lina grew up, abe’s prediction slowly came true - she idolized the military due to their unwavering bravery and optimism that humanity would win the war between them and titans.

she was often caught sneaking out of her house to watch the scouting legion coming home from missions, cheering them on despite the crowds nervous and dejected muttering. so it was no surprise when, on her 12th birthday, the first thing she asked for was to join the military. (that lil shmishirt)

she persisted until her grandparents were brought to her house the next day from their home in wall rose. they told her of all the dangers, and yet she still persisted. they finally agreed - but only because lina’s father said he would join with her.

as soon as the words came out of his mouth, a loud bang rang out that shook the floor and caused panicked screaming to be erupted from outside. lina’s family rushed through their front door, only for them to be met with a crowd of people sprinting past, yelling and screaming.

they pushed through the crowd and found themselves at the back of another crowd, all staring up at the wall. a giant titan, over 50 metres tall, was standing behind it - looking down at the people of shiganshina with a blank expression, its hand clutching the wall. steam came off of it, increasing the temperature of lina despite how far away it was.

her family was frozen, huddling together and clutching each others hands. maria - lina’s grandmother - was clutching the cross and figures of wall maria, rose, and sina attached to her necklace and praying.

the titan moved its foot back and kicked the gate, sending it splintering all over the town. titans waiting behind it were catapulted forwards, crushing citizens and soldiers along with the multiple boulders.

lina’s family turned and ran as fast as they could. despite being old, lina’s grandparents were fit and kept up with her family - delmira dragging lina by her hand.

they made it to the docks in wall maria just as the last boat was leaving. delmira, with lina in tow, immediately began to shove her way to the front to plead with the soldiers to let lina on board. they denied her request and delmira whispered something to lina. they hugged each other as long as possible before delmira broke away and disappeared into the crowd.

luckily, the guards were distracted by the giant horde of people trying to break through. lina ran up the docks, as far away from the crowd as possible, and found herself level with a boat - it looked full to the brim. lina looked to the next one and eyed it apprehensively. stepping back a few paces, she sprinted as fast as possible towards the ledge. pushing herself off of it. her hands reached out to the edge of the boat, but the side of the boat was slippery and her hands couldn’t get a grip in time.

lina scrabbled for a grip, her fingers of her left hand slowly slipping off as she began to fall, but before she could, her wrist was snatched up by a calloused hand.

she looked up to see a friend of her mothers, adelmo weber, holding onto her arm. he pulled her up and onto the boat, despite the outrage that burst from the lips of the citizens that there wasn’t any space left on the boat, and even though she was just a child, he should have not saved her.

lina looked back just in time to see the crowd of people frantically running away - towards wall rose - from a titan, nearly 10 metres tall, picking them up and eating them like insects. the manic crowd drew level with lina’s boat, and she made eye contact with her grandma - at the back, out of breath - as she was snatched up by the titan.

lina screamed loudly, screaming at her grandmother to fight, fight the titan and get to wall rose - but it was futile.

the titan bit maria in half and let her severed legs fall to the ground as lina finally reached the edge of the boat, stretching out her hand to her grandmothers half-eaten corpse and the rest of her family.

the crowd was surrounded by titans coming from both sides and they were all massacred.

lina slumped down to the floor of the boat, and cried until she could cry no more. she slept until they reached wall rose.

H; Holy crap, all of this when she was 12? Poor kid! She probably has a lot of left-over trauma and stress from that day: PTSD, anxiety, possibly some extreme paranoia and OCD-like tendencies to check over and over that everything is okay.

the arrival of the boats was not received well by the residents of wall rose. they immediately began to riot about food shortages, overpopulation and that the titans would be drawn to the bigger population of wall rose.

lina exited across the drawbridge with the swarm of people who was on her boat, and they were promptly greeted by being pushed back by the citizens of wall rose.

they said that the other boats were too full, and they would not have enough room for all of the people on lina’s boat. the people onboard rioted immediately, calling out where would they go, would you be so heartless as to send us back - until they were silenced by the garrison and military police separating the brawling crowds.

they told all the refugees to go to the town square, where the people of appropriate build and age would be enlisted to the military with no choice, while the rest would go to work in the fields.

lina was enlisted despite being only just 12, and so began the start of her journey.

H: Woah, that’s young, even for SnK! Was she the only recruit of her age? Was she the focus of unwanted attention because of it? I have a student one year younger than the rest of the class at school and he’s always being picked on by the teacher (who I hate but that’s another story).

-trivia:

knows portuguese and when she is angry she slips in and out of it (for example, you are todas as dicas i hate eu estou para te you) also when she is tired or distracted she does too (i quero sleep por how tempo até as lights) this is because although her first language is english/german, her family spoke mainly portuguese at their home

H: My parents’ first languages were French and Arabic, and they do this all the time too! Nothing really important, I just wanted to add that. :)

she has the loudest, most boisterous laugh ever - although nobody has ever properly heard it

lina snores so loud she often kept the rest of her dormies awake

biggest sweet tooth ever - even though she rarely gets to eat anything other than beef stew and rations

H: This might not have been intentional, but people who experience traumatic events as children usually end up keeping childlike qualities with them for a long amount of time. Having a sweet tooth or sleeping with toys is not unusual for someone who went through what she did.

she has a bit of a portuguese/brazilian accent, mixed with english/german

lina cuts her own hair

her name means the heroes river, or river of light

SUMMARY-

H: To be honest, this character’s pretty airtight! There’s not much you really need to change on this one. She’s believable but still interesting enough to be a main character. Overall, great job!!

[kendrixtermina]

Typing Misadventures - IN edition

So, typing and the difficulties therein.

Aside from person-specific ad-hominems, some that have been elaborated upon in attempts to explain them on this very website.

Sensors: Bad Sensor descriptions written by NPs, combining with the fact that Sensors rely a lot on developing a practical experential “feel” for things. A bad, vague and overly abstract description that doesn’t relate to their life is gonna be not very useful. (especially for SFPs for whom what they relate to is srz bzness) - Interestingly I’ve seen a lot of Sensors saying that they easily indentify particular types once they have encountered them IRL. (Speculation: With intuitives it probably depends more on wether they have their definitrions straight.)

Ne-Doms: Type-hop and doubt their type alot because they know they always could be mistyped and possibilities are the primary facet of reality for them. The “creative” nature of the auxillary, and their auxillary being a function that generates and handles belief systems,  means they can always reinterpret the evidence by redoing their reasoning or reassigning meaning, also the lack of Si leads to less constancy in their thinking, they change opinion easily, which is normally an asset, but not so much for self-typing as every input generates new ideas. (The auxillaries also have this but to a much lesser degree - b/c)

—

But today, I want to talk about INs (I know, boring - but those are what I know the most about since I am one.)

You may have seen me caveat my posts with “Unless I am actually an xNFP or something” as of late Yeah. It went about like this:

Troll: Haha you’re mistyped!

Me: Why?

Troll: because X.

Me: I have an alternate, more fitting explanation for X and a lot of things which my current typing explains betters especially when you get into the nuance of mbti theory.

Troll: (*hamfistedly applies overreductionistic function definition*) “Anyone who ever quotes a source ever is a Te user”. Just like anyone who ever mentions memory is a SJ amirite?

Troll: *shifts the topic to my person and then accuses me of talking about myself*

Me: *blocks troll largely to curttail own tendency to waste time & energy with internet arguments*

So at my best,  I believe in not dismissing inconvenient PoVs and double-checking, and the main point of replying them was to leave an alternate opinion for future readers hence no point in continuing after that had been done.  

At my worst damn inf Fe makes it hard to ignore input even if I don’t believe it’s justified (except when it fails to pick them up - as inferior functions are wont to be its either sluggish or AHH with little inbetween. ) and that lil 8 fix of mine doesn’t want to “stand down quietly”.  

So I ask a few reasonable, knowledgeable, non-troll person, one of which said “Hm, could be, you anecdote alot which X type also does”

I believed this was better accounted for by simple ol’ Si and w4-self revealing tendencies, but, how could I know for sure? I never denied having a pronounced 4wing and fix, but I thought that sufficiently explaining their perceived discrepancies insofar as I found them consistent with reality and indeed all data collected so far. Too much would just be filed away as “inf Te” as a blanket term, the way any sign that [fan favorite character] is ST rather than INFJ is “inferior Se” though that supposed “inferior” is 80% of what she does and all moments claimed for F or N are the sort of situations where anyone would display emotion or philosophizing and what intuition they display is distinctly Ne instead. 

Like the proverbial man who dreamt of being a frog I couldn’t cast the doubt from my mind and went over reinterpreting my thought patterns throughout the day. How do I know I’m NOT X type? After all my idea of and criteria for type are based on the definitions I extracted from various mbti sources when first familiarzing myself with the topic… how do I know I understood it correctly? How can ANY human correctly understand a definition if they have to deduce/reconstruct/guess what the other meant with their own flawed mind?

(At this point the non-INs in the audience might be rolling their eyes)

I still thought my type made the most sense but the person, through trolling in that particular instance, was not alltogether clueless and had some good insights, and also, some ppl agreed with them (theres that Fe again) - I was pretty sure I was in the holographic-panomramic thinking style but I could be wrong,  thats a fairly rarely used concept which I simply started using cause I thought it made sense. ENFPs can mistake themselves for introverts. I have been mistaken for extrovert b/c of my lack of filter… but I was pretty sure I was a very pronouncedintrovert and had Fe, and so I went over it over and over again.

They said I didn’t comprehend _ i had some theory as to why they thought the way they did (not just bias against xNFPs but assuming all Ti is like aux Ti. After all, an introverted function as a dominant builds a framework and may be reluctant to accept or need time to withdraw when said framework clashes with reality to the point of needing a full revamping, purportedly resulting in a certain stubbornness particularly if it’s a Ji function.  )

but what if I really Didn’t comprehend? Then all my reasoning would be worthless! I dont think I have the skills of an INFP, but what if i misunderstood those? Was a lot of what I’d attributed to Ti just Ne? i thought I had rather typical Ti speech patterns (it was hard to unsee, like my brain used a highly predictable parsing alghorithm to make thoughts into words) but they disagreed and pointed to what they thought was Fi. 

I thought that despite all the differences introduced by  shared preferences and  there were differences between I and the Fi doms I knew. The 9 and the 6 were much more lowkey, non-confrontational than I and way more perceptive in line with how socionics describes Fi as the “Ethics of Relations” and how Nardi calls it an “Inner state of listening/reacting”; I mostly listen to the contents of someone’s words; I’d spot a liar by contradiction or unbeliavable statements, or by deducing what beliefs they are operating from. Feelers supposedly use primarily tone of voice... but I have sure noticed tone of voice a few times, and this is a qualia. I can’t compare what “Fi” or “Ti” feel like without making assumptions of which one I am using. 

Supposedly

The 4! INFPs should be the most similar to me, on the other hand, they tend to have a certain...absoluteness in their beliefs and statements in a way I wouldn’t be comfortable with. I’m more hesitant, more relativizing, adding qualifiers etc so bI don’t say anything incorrect. 

I don’t mean to bash the INFPs here, they are usually just processing their specific feels and do not mean to imply things about others. (Tumblr INFP: “I, an INFP, experience X.”. Tumblr xxFJ: “Are you saying that other types don’t????? You can’t say that! How self absorbed are you?” Immature  Tert Fe User:*distantly feels the same urge toward ,moral condemnation as FJ,but couldn’t care less if INFP offends anyone -  settles for calling them a snowflake instead. * TJs and Ti doms: *roll their eyes, half-assedly consider correcting whoever they disagree with but ultimately just keep scrolling*) Of course Team Fe sometimes has a point if the INFP in question is young and/or irresponsible. 

Example: 

One INFP 4w5: “I be those shallow fake bitches look down on you just because you don’t wear as much makeup. I don’t think anyone who wears makeup can be trusted, unless it’s like,halloween makeup or something like that, they’re just putting up fake faces to be popular.”

Me (let’s say, presumed INTP 5w4): “I dunno... Like I agree that those girls are shallow bitches,if they had spines, they wouldn’ perform arbitrary fake behavior just to be popular.* But not everyone is the same - maybe some people might just wear makeup because they like how it looks. The real problem is people being judged by arbitrary conventions on principle. What does is matter whether someone wears makeup or not? Its a made-up convention with no real reason.  It’s none of anyone’s business.”

* for the record I have since realized that there’s nothing bad about wanting to be popular as long as yopu dont harm anyone, and that for some people its genuinely what they want. I was, like,  13. Common (w)4 pitfall I guess. 

As you see both I and this middle school friend of mine are expressing 4-ish povs, but I used to think  the difference in our reasoning highlighted some differences. 

Granted this is more 5w4 vs 4w5 than necessarily Ti vs Fi,  Could just be the 5′s general disconnect toward action and desire to “know more first”. 

There are 5 INFPs. after all. Mostly sx 5s and as such differentiable from the relatively intense, dramatic sx 4 as long as you’re certain enough that they’re sx. Thinking about how to describe them. More second-guessing and ‘drifting’ than the 4 ones but like them in their analytical nature. A different kind of contemplative.  Still reasons distinctlylike an INFP - See, One of them was religious, for example, and I’m pretty sure an INTP would have had more posts about why they were religious or not, though it’s one of the types most likely to be a non-believer, the religious ones tend to have a theological bent and talk about the perfection and incomprehensibility of god, how god is totally logical etc. (Thomas Acquinas is a famous example) - their faith will be an ordered self-consistent system. A bit like that example of copernikus assuming the orbits must be perfectly circular because natture as he understood it would tend toward the most “perfect” forms. I’m not religious and I could likewise talk about that at lenght.

Arguments that convinced me:  “This is how these beliefs came from, not an actual god” and “If were made out of single celled organism who die all the time as shed skin cells, how would the rest of them dieing at once be different?” “Even if your religion is true that means many, if not all others are not. So at least all some must be myths. How is your “true” religion different from them?” 

Arguments made by famous Te-Fi users: “Occams Razor.” “We can’t disprove a giant sucker on the back of Pluto either, but its no reason to suppose one.”“Belief in god hampers human development and creates dependent, slavish mentality”

That 5!INFP’s attitude toward their belief reminded me more of another Fi dom I know (albeit an ISFP). “Yeah, I know the common objections, but look, it’s what I believe. Don’t come into my house and be a jerk to me about it.” or “[Assholish behavior] is not actually in line with my religion. My religion, and this aspect of it, are actually about love/peace/duty/etc” 

If, while conversing,  you hit a hard disagreement, that is,  an axiom that’s not up for debate, your Fi-dom friend may change the topic/agree to disagree/ “It’s just the way I feel” 

[This could apply to other moral or ideological questions religion is just an example; This is not supposed to be about religion it’s just here to illustrate a perceived difference. . I’m not implying all INFPs have the same approach to religion or even have to be religious.]

Another conversation I remember having with them actually on the very subject of Fi vs Fe. IDK how we got to that topic but I mentioned something I initially thought was an enneagram thing (my memory is vague on the details) but I mentioned something like lowkey feeling guilty for receiving praise that I believe was undeserved. 

She deemed it a Fe thing and said that for her, as a Fi dom/ fe opposing type, a bit of praise she did not agree with might not cause any reaction at all unless she thought they had a point  or otherwise had a reaction from her end, like deciding the criticism was unfair - why should she feel guilty b/c of what someone else says? 

Granted that’s just an anecdote, but what am I to do? INFP 5s are not super common. Also I’m not making this decisionbased on any single of these examples but... not even from the “preponderance” so much as to how they can be best explained. 

And  of course, if I really did get everything wrong after looking into the topic for years, what guarantee is there that I typed any of those people correctly? None, as one of the trolls/claimants correctly pointed out. 

After all what I want is the truth, it doesn’t matter what it is. Or at least that is what I strive for as much as human frailty allows. so what if I’m an INFP? INFPs are awesome. I even considered the type early on, I just thougnt INTP fit better especially once I found out about inferior functions.  And I have always held that a person has no obligation to follow their “talents”. If I don’t have a “talent” for reason (which isn’t the same as mbti thinking anyways) all the reasons why I believe that it is a good way of life to aim for would still stand. Reason is a method to correct for human error and bias, after all, the error and bias we all have, no matter what Ji function we use.

Type insofar as it can even be said to be a real thing is a classfication of emergent qualities, not a hard measure you can get in an instrument. 

As much as I’d want to figure this out, there comes a point where you just have to like step back and put it in context.  it’s just a personality test/ little tool to facilitate communication in which “maybe this or that” is more helpful than nothing. 

Striving for it despite not being handed talent at birth is all the more worthwhile - and if reason was only for certain kinds of people what’s the point of it? Regardless of what tropes people associate with “science” or “logic”, what they actually are by definition are simple basic methods.

Last but not least there was a moment

Soo, existential crisis. At least they can’t doubt that I’m a melancholic or an oldham ideosyncraticXD

Then,  my doubt crumbled away to the “ mostly sure, dont think it could be anything else but im not omnicient” levels at which it was before.

What happened? Well, a rare event:

Well, I went outside and talked to people.

I visited my folks, saw new places, got into a few unscripted situations in other words. 

I’ve seen one post detailing that INs may mistype because they analyze themselves as a whole, feature in less apparent traits and second-guess their reasoning worrying about bias, noticing what sticks out more than the norm etc.  and so on and that may be it in part but I don’t think it’s only this relatively “noble”, too-much-of-a-good-thing mistake.

- It’s a matter about how we are all about ~extrapolating~ from data and using multiple data points and less about decisiveness and practicality. We brood away endlessly trying to come up with interpretations and conceptualizations that makes all the data points fit rather than just going with what they themselves largely seem to suggest. 

One good description I once heard is that Intuitives think in networks while Sensors think in puzzle pieces - I went overboard trying to build ever more complex networks instead of going “Yeah, with all the puzzle pieces so far it’s probably this.”. 

Sometimes the latter approach can be incomplete and miss game changing interconnections - but just as often, the former gets convoluted and therefore, both uselessly vague and too far removed from the actual data its meant to interpret. 

Aaaand, well, almost every sentence I said was “Did you know that...?” or “I think so/ don’t think so because of [observation followed by possible deduction].

Sure, I could be biased in my observation or unconsciously “doing it on purpose to appear a certain way” even if I don’t think I am or care about that, , but some critical mass of “doing it on purpose” would itself be equivalent with 5 (or a 3)

I was a little afraid one time; I reacted by withdrawing and looking at the whole thing as an observatrion and it was a highly temporary thing. And as much as I complain about Fe users playing police, I may have been guilty of one moment of overreacting, unwanted/socially-chiding “help” myself there. (The person perhaps justly called me a know-it-all. They were wrong about one thing but I may have handled it all more constructively) I repeatedly expressed vague undifferentiated preferrences that were closer to analyzing what factors were at work rather than having clear like/dislike reasons readily available. .

I critiqued a TV show (myself and the local INTJ annoying all the non-NTs with our loud, animated critiquing ) and a big factor to being unabvle to enjoy it fully was the lack of High-Concept abstract sci fi content and mostly the lack of consistency - normally a lot of my enjoyment would come from extrapolatinmg and deducing what the world is like and how it, the themes and charactzers “work”, but here I coulnd do that because it was tacked onto a ‘verse it did not fit into. I observed how said INTJ and I reacted to us correcting each other on small things with like a brief thanks or apology & just moving on whilst similar things had gotten annoyed snarks out of our otherwise patient Feeler sister...

The nails in the coffin were those 2 tumblr posts, one about differences in how Fi and low Fe argue (the latter pile including 3 phrases I used verbatim in the last discussion with my SO just hours earlier) and a post by the afore mentioned “resonable poster” about, as she called it “oversharing in soc variants vs soc blinds” though the correct amount of sharing might well be in the eye of the beholder.

But that was the one objection of the troll I didn’t have a non-vague satisfactory reply to, what rly kept me wondering rather than “eh not gonna reinvent the wheel again”, something about “sp/sx woldn’t have long descriptions or emo rants” Apparently they do when they never have to dea with the person again (such as on the internets. )

IDK I did move the description so no one’s forced to read it but lots of peeps have one (This is like... a blogging site??) but the reasons for its existence had more to do with “completionist urges related to then-current obsession (typology)” and “So I like X, bite me.” sort of sentiment than whatever it was they presuposed. 

Dear Causal-Deterministic peeps (ENTP, INFP, ISTP, ESFP): Instances of the same behavior can be caused by different causes! Look at this: 2 4 8.

What’s the pattern? - Could be “powers of 4″.  Could also be “even numbers” or even “any increasing integer”. 

Of course this whole mess is an example of where we H-P folks (INTP, ENFP, ISFP, ESTP) look at everything from multiple angels/Povs, (”Is it like this? Is it lika that? It COULD be seen this other way...”) rather than, well, decide which ones are most relevant here/ “Pick one”. At least the SPs have Se to “just grab one” or whatever it is they do. 

Whereas we just stand there speculating XD The ENFPs sorta do it too but in a whole different way/ area of life? 

Me: “Either he is nuts or I am nuts because we can’t both be telling the truth!”

ENFP: “Well I empasize with both of you so I don’t think either of you is nuts?”

Me: Sorry but this is a real dichotomy here for once. If he dun nothing wrong, then I would be wrong for accusing him thus, just as he says..

ENFP: Can we all agree to disagree and chil maybe? plz??

Might also be why there`s this overlap between ENFPs and Universalists? Though obviously not all ENFPs are universalists and vice versa. 

So yeah. Kinda comical in hindsight. I started out all second guess-ey and entertaining both possibilities in parallel but in the end, well, I do think it’s INTP after all, at least, I’d say its the most probable by a considerable margin. Most definitely 5 tho. For all the occasionall 4 ness its by far the most overwhelming tendency in day to day life/thinking ugh cant I NOT spew nerd facts about everything in sight. What are other conversaton topics? 

Bottom Line: By thinking about your own thinking you alter your thinking, and that way lie 2nd order chaotic systems, the Uncertainty Principle and Goedel’s Theorem...

So going outside both threw me out of that recursion and added new, raw data as a means to test the competing hypotheses. It forced me to see what I actually act like by and large in a natural setting rather than the many ways I could interpret or read the way I act like, which like, is not actually all that mysterious lol

[i-never-need-sleep]

“Dont know anymore”

The reason behind the comment below was them giving advice to someone dealing with anxiety and depression. I am sharing this here because I know there are people in similar situations that could benefit from some of the points they made. This is not my writing, this was obligatorily stolen from r/offmychest by u/ captLights. 

“Hey!

Okay. First things first. You have to calm down yourself. You can't do anything if you're stressed out. Here we go. It's something I recommend a lot around here. Find a quiet spot somewhere. Doesn't have to be your study place. Could be outside if the weather is fair. But it should be quiet and you don't get disturbed. Shut down all digital devices. No laptops. No cellphones. Nothing. You ready? Okay. Sit yourself down. Back straight. Don't slouch. Now, close your eyes. Shift your attention to your breathing. Try to focus on the air passing through your chest. You feel that? Don't change your breathing though. Just try to notice it without changing it. Keep it up. Keep doing that.

Okay. Now, you're mind is going to go bonkers. You won't be able to keep this up. After a minute or two, you're going to be thinking about all the other stuff in your life. But here's the thing. This is a game. Try to be aware of what is happening. Of the thoughts and feelings passing through your head. Instead of engaging with them, just notice that they pass through your brain and then shift your attention back to your breathing. Don't judge, don't feed your fear, don't feed your anxiety. Just notice and shift back to your breathing. Don't get frustrated if you feel you can't keep up. That's normal. Just keep trying.

Now, do this for the next 15 to 30 minutes. Congratulations. You just learned to meditate. You should practice that each and every day. Like, each evening before you go to bed. Or each morning before you get coffee. Your brain is like a muscle. Try to get from 15 minutes to 1 hour. That's a challenge.

Why is this important? Well, we all live in our own minds. We are easily distracted and then we start to ruminate and worry. If you indulge yourself into negative thinking, you're going to foster anxieties and fears and depression. The idea is to not feed those. Through meditation, you learn to become mindful, to become aware of what happens in your head. Of how you feel. And instead of focusing on a single narrative - like you flunking massively, and then going into depression and then going to die - you're going to take a distance of those negative thoughts and you're going to question them.

Seriously.

So. You flunk your exams. Your parents are angry with you. And now you are clueless about your life. And from there, it seems like a short step to death.

Doesn't that sound... a bit over the top? Let's break it down.

Will you automagically die if you fail? Nah. Not really. You'll still be alive. Probably your going have to redo those exams or those courses. Will your parents stay angry? Hmm... they've been angry before, do they stay angry? Nope. They might be disappointed, but that's to be expected. But being angry and disappointed, that's wasted energy. Your parents still love you to bits, they are just worried about you and your future. Summer is coming? Sweet! You had nothing to do? Hm... Why would that be? Did you plan in advance? Did you sit yourself down for an hour and think "what's the top 3 stuff I really want to do in the next few months"? Or were you just idling your time away only to notice afterwards "Fuck, I didn't do anything worthwhile and now I'm here"

Also, exams are like a tennis match. You play several sets. The outcome is determined by how many games and sets you win. Guess what. Tennis is a mental game. If you start losing games, you start to become anxious because you think "can't afford to lose more games, but dammit I've lost already, I'm not doing well, how am I going to win this? Never going to happen! Argh!!" See what I did there? Serena Williams wins because she doesn't think like that. Serena Williams wins because she goes "Lost that last game. Damn. Okay. Nothing I can do about that. But hey, I'm still good. I love doing this. I love my life. Let's see if I can win the next game." Totally different way of thinking. This is POSITIVE thinking compared to NEGATIVE thinking. And that's what makes all the difference in ANYTHING you do in life.

So, you probably fucked up at those last exams. You can't change anything about that. It happened. Don't beat yourself up. You still have work to do. Don't dwell on the past. Use meditative techniques to shift your focus to the present moment. You NEED to study for the next exam. You can DO this. Don't spend energy on whatever is distracting you. Stop worrying. Don't use digital devices. Don't watch television. Don't game. It's you and the book in front of you.

Take care of yourself!! Get in bed on time. Don't stay up late. Get 8 hours of solid shut-eye. You can't function if you don't sleep enough. Stay off the sugared soda's. Drink water. Hydrate regularly. Try to eat healthy stuff. Stay off sugared candy if you can. Sugar messes with your brain. Sugar addiction is a thing and makes you feel miserable. Make sure you get out! Get a 5 minute break after an hour of studying. Go for a walk. Don't stay inside on your chair. Move!! Try to get a routine in your day. Wake up at the same hour, study at the same hours. Be economic with your time! Try to work out twice a week. Go to the gym. Go running. Break a sweat in a sport you find fun and engaging. Exercise takes your mind of difficult stuff for a few hours. You NEED this if you want to keep going.

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You can't keep sprinting ALL the time. You need to pace. Don't try to cling onto your parents expectations of your studies if you feel you can't meet them. Own up to it and tell them you're in trouble if you feel like your working towards something unattainable. Don't keep pursuing a degree if you feel that this is not something within your own possibilities. Then you'd be only wasting your own precious time.

Do the work instead of thinking about off'ing yourself. That's all it is.

Best of luck!”

This’ll probably go nowhere but hey, never know.