#i should clean my room or something
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the only reason i know it's almost christmas is because i am listening to yaoi christmas songs i could've done this in july
it could be july
#i didn't put a tree up i still have my halloween decorations up#im not doing anything special other than having a papillon monster for christmas#probably not getting much money because it's been really rough#the fleas are back yet again#i am just kinda miserable#i should clean my room or something#adrian speaks
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Stardew Valley Discourse: A Summary
shane: i have depression
person: aww poor sweetie im so sorry ily im always here for u
shane: *exhibits symptoms of depression*
the same person: ew there's no excuse for that
#some of yall.........#i have been in this fandom for like a week n im already sick of folks doing this man dirty#“but he doesn't even keep his room clean after you marry him” he has DEPRESSION#“he should fix his problems before getting into a relationship” if we all waited for our messiness and struggles to magically disappear#we would be waiting for the rest of our lives.#do people with mental (or otherwise) health struggles not deserve love and understanding too?? did i miss something???#like bruh if you personally can't deal with someone's baggage that's fine you don't have to sacrifice your own wellbeing for theirs#but at least stop blaming people for HAVING A MENTAL ILLNESS#sdv shane#shane stardew valley#shane sdv#stardew valley#.....but also relevant to real life.#my yapping
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7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos
#normal Saturday morning behavior#redacted spoilers#redacted audio#redacted sam#Seven.txt#rp audio stuff#well. crying over one singular blorbo in particular. Sam's still got me in an emotional chokehold#and i'm too sad to even make a stupid little joke abt how i wouldn't mind if it was a physical one too. ayeee *insert sad eyebrow wiggle*#no but seriously. i have so many feelings abt him and i can't even say it all bc some of it isn't public info yet#eh fuck it i'll just draft this until the audio goes public and then i'll post it once it's no longer Exclusive Info#bc i dont wanna leak Early Access stuff but i have to get this out of my system rn and the new audio is part of what sparked these thoughts#which is funny bc i. literally haven't even listened to it yet. i'm not Ready 😭#where's that tiktok screenshot that's like. 'hyperfixation so bad that i can't even engage with the source material' bc that's me rn#like bro Sam only won the poll like. 2 or 3 days ago and Eric is Already dropping a new Sam audio?? hello? Mr. Redacted i wasn't prepared#anyways i was spoiling myself by perusing the comments last night trying to get a feel for if it's gonna be more angst or comfort#and i saw a comment that absolutely shattered me. and it reignited all my sad thoughts about Sam's eventual. uh. y'know. death.#apparently they plant a tree together or smthn in the new audio (which already has me & my beloved 10y/o orange tree feeling some kinda way#but to the individual in the comments who brought to all our minds the image of Sam sitting beneath that tree in 30 or so years time#when he's decided that he's ready to die and sits out there waiting for the sun to rise..................... 🥲#i'm gonna need u to compensate me for all of that unexpected emotional damage /j /nm#i'm Still not over what he told Darlin' while they had their talk about the future up on his roof together. that audio killed me#then yesterday i was listening to my Sam & Darlin' playlist while cleaning. and Malibu Nights by LANY came on. which i always skip bc Sad#but i let it play and just started crying. standing in the middle of the room all disheveled and holding a broom. as one does.#iirc that song is one that Eric himself said is applicable to Sam which is why/how i found it and put it on the playlist. and god. g o d#hm. i hope that wasn't Patreon exclusive info. i can't remember if it was a public post where he said that or not. hope it's okay to share#but if we can take that song as like. unofficial canon for Sam then that also confirms my idea that he used to drink to cope#which makes the opening lines of Fix What You Didn't Break by Nate Smith even more applicable. i should go edit that post actually#anyways i'm just. feeling a lot. and i love Sam very much and i don't want him to die. but i want him to do what he wants at the same time#Alexis took so fucking much from him. he deserves to live - and end - his life on his own terms. ... i think i need to go write something#*casually fishes this post out of the drafts 3 and a half days later* hi so uh. i wrote a 4k oneshot :) and will hopefully post it tomorrow
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Wonderful, my parents fucking hate me I guess
#before they left the house for a few hours I was asked to clean the cat litter#a simple and easy task#but then Riggs#my dog came into my room and decided to shit on the floor#so ofc that was GREAT#I had to clean it up#and then I continued my schoolwork#and naturally#I got very busy and forgot#my apologies#fast forward to my parents getting home#I was in the bathroom and when I walked out I saw my dad cleaning it#I said sorry and he didn’t respond or turn to look at me#I went back to my room awkwardly to later be greeted by my stepmom#she asked why I didn’t clean it#I said that I had forgot#she then told me that that is not an excuse and I should know better#I apologized again#she said me forgetting things is a serious problem and something is wrong with me and I need to fix it#I am diagnosed with many conditions and she knows this.#now both of them refuse to look at me#to speak to me#I hate being here#vent
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I completely forgot about my tiny picture frame with Blorbo of the Month: Daniel LaRusso
#I SHOULD HAVE ADDED YOU IN MY ''PICK SOMETHING FROM MY ROOM'' POLL FUCK!!!!!#Man you clean a room and find shit you completely forgot about#Daniel LaRusso#Miyagi-horiginal
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tiptoeing on the edge of a panic attack at work
#i was sick last week and i've been sleeping really badly this week and i've felt sooo anxious and#i was in work in the middle of the gross job of cleaning the dishwasher filter and someone came up to me and decided to start#monologuing at me about how surely i don't want to do this for the rest of my life and how i should have bigger dreams and how the person#who did my job before me (my best friend) is now a lawyer so why don't i do something like that#like fuck OFF i don't fucking know what i want to do with my life there's no jobs available in my city right now and i currently#have my arm deep in the bowels of this dishwasher as you ask me what i'm doing with my life#fuck off fuck off fuck off leave me alone let me get through my day#i already had to go into a meeting room pod today to have a quick cry don't make me do it again#anyways. it's all fine it's whatever
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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listening to ASMR again, WHY DO THEY KEEP KILLING OFF MY FAMILY??? WHAT DID THEY DO?? THEY COULD BE ALIVE? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT YOU JUST KILLED THEM OFF FOR FUN???
#radioislisteningtoasmragain#also sidenote getting REALLY into hero villain dynamics and I'm literally about to break out my villain oc and put her in a story here#i swear once I get over my weird social anxiety thingy I will BE UNSTOPPABLE#I WANNA BE ONE OF THOSE WRITERS WITH THE COOL OCS THAT PEOPLE LIKE RAAAAA AAA AA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A#SOMEDAY MY TUMBLR WRITING PIPE DREAMS WILL COME TRUE hopefully I gotta get my shit together soon because apparently I'M GOING TO COLLEGE???#the fact that I'm likely going to be a BUSINESS MAJOR SICKENS ME no offense to business majors but I have not heard good things#I'm taking my GED this year and then college next year i think but uh I'm shit at studying#I genuinely think something's wrong with me because WHY CAN'T I STUDY LIKE A FUCKING NORMAL PERSON#and I can't even ask for help because I SHOULD KNOW THIS BUT I DON'T#I'm smart I know I'm smart I just can't BE smart school wise anyways#aAA A A A A A A anyways enough with the tag rambling back to cleaning my room because it's starting to look like an episode of hoarders#and I need to snip that hoarder mindset in the BUD because its not healthy#I'm gonna take a nap after this
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So, I've heard some voices here and there lamenting how little Gabe content - especially new Gabe content - there was and you know what? I completely agree, so I thought why not, I can try to add my little droplet into this tiny sea of Gabe appreciation we have here on tumblr.
Summary: Elena visits Gabe in his house for the first time and learns something new about his past.
Word count: 1937
AN: just some friendly fluff really, headcanon heavy, from Elena's POV but Gabe centric
"Oh, watch out, the first step is-" Gabe turned around just in time to catch Elena when she started to fall backwards. "-loose."
"Thanks for the warning." Elena shot him a glare when she regained her balance. In response Gabe only sent her an unapologetic grin and pulled her up on the next step.
"Everyone's so used to it by now that we keep forgetting to fix it with my dad," he explained as they finally reached the first floor.
The stairs led to a narrow corridor, with the same room placement as the bakery beneath it. Two doors on the right, one on the left and a wide opening to the living room at the end. In a few brisk steps Gabe opened the door on the left and invited Elena in with a courteous gesture.
"Welcome to my humble abode, your highness."
Her highness graced him with a nod and slipped by him, into the small room. Elena gave it a quick one over. It was indeed small - in fact, there probably wasn't much more space than what each guard got at the barracks - and the decor wasn't much fancier either. Cream colored walls, a thin bed by the window, a wardrobe opposite of it, one wall taken up by a bookshelf and a small cabinet by another made up basically all the furnishing of the room.
"Humble is a good word." She nodded solemnly, earning herself an eye roll from her friend. They both chuckled.
"Hey, it's your room that's out of the norm, you know?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Elena retorted, thinking about how three or even four such rooms would fit into hers. She walked over to the cabinet and picked up some trinket. "But it's nice to finally see where you grew up."
Gabe couldn't stop a fond smile sneaking onto his lips when he noticed the badge she was examining.
"Yeah and I didn't really get to change much here in the past five years. For example this thing I got back when-"
"Gabriel!" He was interrupted by his mother's voice from the bakery.
"I'll tell you in a moment," he sighed. "Make yourself at home!" He added from the doors and quickly ran downstairs to his parents.
Elena took another look around the room. It wasn't entirely empty, she had to admit that, and the poster of Antonio Agama on the inner side of the door confirmed that Gabe didn't change the decor much since he moved out.
She moved to the bookshelf and moved her hand across the titles - though there weren't that many of them to count. The lower shelves were taken up by some boxes and bags and what could've been a neatly packaged tent. Then finally a whole shelf dedicated to the whole collection of Antonio Agama's books. Elena chuckled to herself when she read some of the more dramatic titles and noticed even one that wasn't in Avaloran. On the next shelf, between other various travel books and biographies, was only one book by señor Agama, titled simply 'The Gecko's Tale'. Driven by a hunch she took it out and couldn't help but laugh when she read the blurb on the back. Although that explained how the whole kingdom found out that she's a bit adventurous too.
Finally her gaze got to the plant on top of the mantle. Hidden so deep in the room, it extended its ivy like stalks towards the sun, climbing a string helpfully hung between the bookshelf and the window.
Down on the windowsill two other plants looked out on the little cobbled square behind the house. Elena leaned in to smell the orchid and noticed something half hidden behind the pot. Slowly, so as not to accidentally damage the plant, she reached for trinket and retrieved it into the light. It turned out to be a wooden doll, painted to resemble a familiar navy and maroon uniform...
"Is this you?" She turned to Gabe as soon as he entered the room and showed him the figurine with a wide smile.
Gabe stopped for a moment. Furrowed his brows as he tried to see what Elena was even holding, and then furrowed his brows even more when he recognised it.
"Of course not," he grumbled, closing the small distance between them. "It's just an old thing anyway."
"It does look a bit like you though." She jumped away from him at the last moment.
Gabe gasped. Elen giggled and moved her hand away when he tried to reach her.
"Why would I even have a figurine of myself?"
For a moment they circled each other, like two lions judging if it's worthy to fight the opponent for a steak, except the steak was now wooden and 15 centimetres high. They both hunched subconsciously and made their steps in the fencing manner.
"I don't know, why does Esteban have a whole wall of his own portraits?" A sly grin slid on her face. "But I see you've decided to match his collection."
"Oh now you've done it." Gabe shook his head to hide his smile and in the split of a second was right by her. Feigning to go right for the prize, he swiped her legs out from under her.
Elena waved her hands in the air giving Gabe just the opportunity he was waiting for. He swiftly yanked the figurine from her hands, giving her the last push to fall backwards completely. He turned his head with a victorious grin, just in time to see her legs rising at the height of his knees. And suddenly the ground was much closer than before.
He folded his arms to his chest, protecting the figurine with his body and rolled on the floor. Though he didn't have to roll far, of which he was promptly reminded by his head crushing into the cupboard.
He groaned loudly and let his body fall limply to the floor.
His pained complaint was answered by Elena's laughter from the bed.
"I'm getting too old for this," he mumbled and Elena's laughter only got louder.
Finally he sat up and lifted the figurine to his face. He carefully examined it for any cracks or splinters, checked if the joints in the limbs didn't fall out and most importantly if the head was still on firm. Finally when he made sure the trinket didn't get damaged, he let out a relieved sigh.
"You're lucky it's still whole," he grumbled, rising to his feet.
"Hey, I was being careful." Elena now sat up too and sent him a playful smirk. "All the way until you decided to trip me like that."
Gabe rolled his eyes again and huffed in pretended annoyance.
"So if it's not a limited edition General Nuñez action figure," Elena continued. "What is it?"
Gabe sat down next to her and thought of an answer for a moment. He changed the position of the little soldier's arms and reached for a pin to put into his hand as a sword.
"It's really just an old toy," he said finally. "But you know, it has sentimental value."
He finally passed Elena the figurine, so she could take a look at it herself. It wasn't as old as she thought at first. The paint was faded, but still held onto the uneven surface of the wood and as she moved her fingers across it, she realized that it must've been all whittled by hand, by someone who put great care in it, but wasn't a professional.
Still the amount of details was impressive, especially in the construction of the thing. She moved the tiny soldier into the proper fencing position and to her delight found out that it fits flawlessly, the wire on the joints creaked quietly, as if it had been waiting for an opportunity to shine for ages.
She glanced between the figurine and Gabe on her left for comparison. The uniform, despite the familiar colours, was a tad different, it resembles more what she remembered from her childhood, than the uniform Gabe was wearing at the moment.
"I got it from my first fencing teacher," he continued.
"The same one who threw coconuts at you driving training?" Elena raised a brow, earning herself a chuckle.
"Yeah, the same one." A sad smile reached the corners of his eyes as old memories resurfaced in his memory. "He was a tough man and always talked about how big an annoyance I am, but -" he gestured to the figurine and shrugged.
"Well, that explains why it looks like you," Elena bumped him with her shoulder. "I'm sure he could've already seen that you'll be a great guard."
"Oh, I don't think he even wanted me to be a guard," Gabe laughed again. "But you know, the situation was a bit different." He pondered something for a moment before continuing. "And to be fair, I didn't even realize that it was supposed to be a guard at the time, I was pretty sure he just came up with the design by himself. I only really connected the dots a few years ago, when I found this old thing again."
Elena nodded silently and put a comforting hand on his arm. She could see that this topic wasn't easy for him.
"Though maybe what you said was the point." He straightened suddenly and his gaze went back to the figurine. "Maybe he wasn't completely against me joining the guard, just... joining the right one."
His smile became wider and it was like his whole face lit up. Elena raised the little soldier's arms to make it cheer. They both laughed at how expressive this piece of wood was.
"So where is your coach now?" Elena asked, caressing the wooden toy one more time.
He only sighed at first and for a moment his gaze became clouded again, before he shook his head to cast the memories away.
"I wish I knew," he sent her a sad smile. "One day he just... disappeared. A few trinkets and one letter is all the proof I have that he wasn't just my hallucination."
Elena's lips twitched in a matching sad smile, but before she could say anything, they both heard a voice from downstairs, calling the unmistakable word 'dinner!'
Gabe clapped his hands on his knees and sprung up to his feet.
"Ah, just in time", he extended his hand to Elena. "I think eating is a much more fun topic than discussing the weird things I did in my childhood."
Elena examined his face for a moment more, but gave up on asking all the questions that pushed to the tip of her tongue. She sent him a smile instead and accepted his hand.
"Oh, you mean you did more weird things?" She made the little figurine gasp.
"I feel like I shouldn't have started this topic," Gabe laughed.
"Oh no, you won't escape now." She poked him in the chest and put the little soldier in his hand. "I gotta know all the crazy stories."
"Okay, okay, I'll tell you something," Gabe raised his hands in defeat. "But you can't mention it to my parents, please, they'll never stop until they tell you my whole life story."
Elena made a theatrical gesture of tapping her lips in thought as she backed out of the room.
"I'll consider it," she sent him a wide grin and in a second turned and ran towards the stairs.
"Hey- wait!" Gabe called out, running right after her to save what was left of his reputation.
#my post#blue's writing#eoa#elena of avalor#gabriel nunez#gabe nunez#gabriel nuñez#gabe nuñez#elena castillo flores#gabe and elena#elena castillo flores & gabriel nuñez#elena and gabe#uuuuh#fanfiction#this is. completely unedited and written mostly in the middle of the night#so i just hope it makes sense XD#but i really wanted to write something and hey a great motivator came so why not seize the occasion#(probably because youre busy blue and should be sleeping instead but do you ever listen to yourself? no)#another day of wondering 'would they fucking say thay'#was this fic prompted by one scene of gabe fondly rolling his eyes at elena that i saw in an amv#maybe#anyway i hope this ficlet reaches the person who inspired it and i hope it brings you some joy :>#i may or may not continue it one day or at keast clean it up a bit and transfer it to ao3#my accounts been dead there for quite some time now#and back to the fic you guys have NO idea how proud i am od myself that its almost 2K#yes thats a lot for me#i considered whether im able to write those 74 more words but nope i gotta sleep#bonus: blanca and roberto downstairs hearing all the noise in gabes room and the sound of something heavy (gabe) hitting the floor#'remind me is our son 13 or 23' *fond exasperated sigh*#maybe i shouldve added to the note that this fic basically has no context huh
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...
#i called my dad and he's gonna fly out tomorrow#i feel so bad dragging him out here just bc im having some sort of breakdown#he's already been thru so much in the last 2 months. i hate that ive added to his stress#i dont kno how im gonna get things done this week. or how im gonna get thru the rest of the semester. or what im gonna do this summer#my life just feels like an absolute disaster. it's all been leading up to this: a catastrophic meltdown#but im stuck not being able to meet with my counselor until may 6th. not that it was very helpful last time. nor was my emergency session on#Thursday. i just dont kno what to do. so that makes it hard for ppl to help. i just feel like im a child throwing a tantrum#i just want to burn it all down. im so tired. i dont kno y i picked a career that makes me feel so stupid#maybe i should just stop. defer a semester or stop altogether and do something else#i dont have the self discipline to do something so far above my head. i dont care enough. i dont care about anything#ugh. but my dad is coming tomorrow so i should clean my room and try to get my assignments done before he gets here#ugh. this just sucks. its so stupid and frustrating#unrelated
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...oh. I was going to write today. Instead I did nothing.
#random personal stuff#still time to do it of course#but first I have to go clean my room because I've still got an unemptied suitcase and piles of clothes and it's depressing#really should do something with my life that isn't work chores or nothing one of these days
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ootd as requested by 🫀 anon ! ♡ more cozy than cute today...
#hmm maybe i should clean up my room a bit more next time i take mirror pics :0p#idk does my dirty mirror count as something more candid? hehe#transfem#transfemme#puppygirl#my face
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vash w this hairstyle is literally so cute.. .. wolfwood matchies or smt T__T
#litearlly dont talk 2 me i saw the knives panel again and smashed everuthing inmy room and set myself on fire#am i wrong 4 thinking that he shouldve had a little more time.am i wrong for thinking this guy.having lived in terrible fear#his whole life 4 what he thought could happen 2 him. to his brother. DID happen 2 his sister#should be able 2 experience some happiness and comfort for once#like yeah the guy killed hundreds of thousands SUREE ok.AND??? let the guy breathe a little#BAHAHA no i think i do still agree w the ultimate ending of him using the last of his energy 2 generate that apple tree#its sweet and i do like the sentiment it was just. Too.soon after it was literally right after#and im like coughing and hacking and wishing.that he and vash couldve spent those few months living (somewhat) peacefully#and secluded.before everything that happened#i guess there is a bittersweet tinge to knives dying before vash woke up / could say gbye but idk.i just grieve 4 this guy#even if a clean redemption isnt like#feasible in a sense U KNOW!!!!!!! but then again i dont think. satisfying endings have to be clean cut and perfect#like he doesnt have to be redeemed i think. not everyone needs Redemption as it exists in its current form#&& i do think that even after all he did.comma.he wasnt entirely wrong?like you cant rly blame him 4 rejecting coexistence#based on the way plants have historically been treated (assuming he also telepathized with exploited plants after the great fall)#though not to say that his decisions/methodology is right ykwim#and i know yeaa yeaa there was a lot of hypocrisy in how he used the other plants 2 amass power#ok this is literally getting too convoluted there r so many conditional aspects to this but long story short i do thnk he deserved.#a little something at the end;______; even if just 4 me to see art of them together post-final arc .#< me dragging my knuckles in the sand w open wounds or smth#sry vash post turned into knives sadblogging EHAHEHA but its like the nature of this^ guys life anyways LMAO#trigun spoilers#trigun maximum#trigun#vash
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How’s life? No pressure question ofc, but if you want to share please feel free to do so with this ask :3
Eh, it doesn't feel all that great right now. I'm tired and hungry a lot, but I just have to get a routine together. My sleep has been wonky, I've been waking up too early, but I feel fine then but it also feels like I can't rest completely- I have dreamless nights mostly. And I also just get annoyed a lot, but it feels better being around people I like.
#my father is upset today too cause I couldn't hang out with him#I talked to a social worker at school a few days ago just for check in and in my opinion I still feel bad even talking to her#it's been a rough week and I'm not sure what to do except deal with it and move on#I like to draw still#I dont want to get tired of it#I mean at least I'm doing productive things like laundry and showering#I'm gonna have spaghetti today that's a good thing#I'll have clean sheets for my bed that's good too#I got presents a day earlier and that's good#I like listing the positives#It kinda gives me ideas for writing#I really wanna eat all these positive things i mean the feeling it gives me in itself#I really love the good things I don't ever want to lose them#I'm actually gonna try to make a doll bunny today#I got dug up old fabrics in my room so I can experiment with something new#I'd list more good things but I'd sound kinda weird doing that in the tags#I should probably journal again but my mind blanks when I try but I'll figure it out#I mean poetry and fanfiction is always an outlet#I gotta practice that more often#There still a ways to go in life so obviously it'll change eventually it always does#And it's only one of many weeks so I can't be too doubtful#It can't always be the worst#Feeling the same feels awful#No matter the emotion it kinda turns numb if you feel it long enough#Days are always changing though since everybody is doing different things everyday all the time#Like most say 'it gets better' eventually#I guess I can wait for a good day#I have no choice sooo I'll let whatever happen#Well technically I can make it happen#I'll feel better when I made myself dinner and cleaned my bed and put away my laundry and put on fuzzy socks and go to sleep
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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We <3 hearing things
#i swear I am hearing stuff#it might be because this is an old house and those make noises sometimes#but maybe there's something#and maybe there's nothing at all and I'm imagining this#i think I'll clean my room sometime the next days....#it's overdue anyways there's this one corner where i haven't looked at in like two years out of fear what might linger in those depths#my room is a nightmare for people with dust allergies#carpet everywhwre last time i dusted off was too long ago to remember#there's some mold on my windows because i used to rarely open them#that was before I noticed that fresh air is really nice actually and i like breathing good#my couch creaks too and I know my heater sometimws makes strange noises#the boiler from my floors bathroom got the verdict “out of date and should probably be replaced''#it works well but now I'm a tad scared of it exploding#or giving me carbon monoxide poisoning#We're paranoid like that ig thats in up here nowadays#god I really should deepclean this thing sometime#by couch too i sleep on it every day so I seldom get the chance to really do something there#because. like. i kinda need that thing#but I vacuumed and where was a lot of dust#why do I live in filth I even try to keep it somewhat alright#sigh I'll just do what I can do for today and chamge my bedsheets#we'll see about the rest when we get there
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