#i say this as someone who was at the psychiatrist yesterday

[iforgotmyariginalaccountpassword]

Do you love the colour of the ad?

What just happened to me? If any of you have seen this please tell me. I refuse to suffer alone. I was scrolling for 5 minutes.

Click on the images at your own risk and I will pray to a God I don't believe in none of you suffer this same ad.

What the fuck

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[copperbadge]

how did u psych urself up to go to therapy? my executive function has been awol for like 2 years and it's gotten to the point where it's wrecking my ability to do anything. i'm scared to waste a bunch of time and money going and getting told i'm just lazy or that the problem is just me

Happy to talk about that! But this is really two issues, so I gotta do a fly-by real first on "scared of getting told I'm just lazy". :D

It sounds to me like you're aware intellectually that laziness isn't the issue. You know this is an executive function issue and not a personal flaw, but I definitely get that it's hard to internalize that. So I'm going to drop links here to some discussion of "laziness":

How do you know you're not just lazy? (ask sent to me -- it's long, but you can skim for the laziness bits if you want.)

Lack of motivation means you are avoiding pain (second ask in response to the first)

Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price

These are essentially my proofs when I want to remind you that laziness is a label that stigmatizes an innate behavior -- inability to act is real, laziness is not. If a therapist tells you that you are lazy, and ESPECIALLY that you are the problem, you should fire that therapist. Don't even stay the rest of the session if you don't want to, just say "I see we are not compatible," and bounce. I don't think the odds are high that you'll encounter that, but on the off-chance that you do, that's a bright neon sign that they're a bad therapist.

In fact I would open with that pitch: "I'm struggling with executive function and the self-perception that I'm really just lazy. I need help with the actual executive function issues but also with how I view myself because of them." The therapist's response will tell you a lot about whether they'd be a good fit.

So with that out of the way...

I eased myself into therapy with the speed of a small child entering an extremely cold lake. It helped a lot that all of my therapy has been virtual via Zoom, so a lot of stuff that would have been a barrier, like going to the physical appointments, discomfort in a strange space, etc. were swept away.

I didn't even want to see a psychiatrist for my Adderall prescription, but I knew I needed help and medication seemed to be my best option, so with the assurances of several people that it wasn't therapy so much as mental health maintenance, I saw a psychiatrist. And he was lovely! (I just met with him yesterday to go over my next few months of scrip.) For a while that was all I did: talked every month to a kind person who asked specific and measurable questions about my mental health -- mood, sleep patterns, ability to work, hobbies -- without getting especially personal. I thought, okay, I can handle this, I can probably handle more, so I asked him for a recommendation for a therapist.

He looked at the network of independent practitioners he belonged to (Clarity Clinic Chicago, if you want an example of a good network) and found me a couple of options. I got extremely lucky to find someone I felt was appropriate for me right out of the gate, though some of that was also knowing what criteria I had: I wanted someone who explicitly stated they specialized in adult ADHD and disability, and who seemed like they were interested in addressing a whole person and not a single issue. When we met she seemed nice, wasn't pushy or judgey, was familiar with spoon theory and disability activism because she also has ADHD, and didn't blink (or ask overly invasive questions) when I said I was very uneasy about therapy because of past experience. She was comfortable with the ambiguity I brought -- I basically said "Look, I think this is something I need but I'm not entirely sure what my goals are yet, it's just I only recently found out I have ADHD and I am rethinking a lot of stuff," and she was like fine, let's rethink it together.

It still took me a long time to start talking about anything meaningful, but she handled the non-meaningful stuff as if it was serious and important, which helped. Admittedly I have really good insurance so I pay $20 a session for therapy, which also helps; it's pretty negligible in terms of health costs for me. I can afford to dawdle.

So, all that said...my path may not be an option for you, but I think it indicates the kinds of options you have. You don't have to jump into serious and heavily emotional processing first thing if you don't want to. You can shop around for therapists and you can drop any bad ones you encounter speedily, or if you find one you immediately like you can still spend time getting comfortable before dropping into the heavier stuff.

I would suggest that if you have a prescribing psych or doctor for any kind of mental health meds, ask them if they have a recommendation. If you don't have that, ask around people you know or believe have access to therapy and see what they think. If those aren't available to you or you're uncomfortable with that, I'd do a search for licensed therapist and your health insurance, or see if your workplace has an employee assistance program that can recommend you someone.

Good luck! I hope you get what you need. Lord knows I've been there.

[potatowithahat]

A doctor's notepad

A sdv Harvey fic

Winter 28th year 0

       Well I guess this is a thing. My psychiatrist in Zuzu city recommended keeping a journal to help with anxiety and loneliness. I guess I'll uh… see how this thing works out. It will probably be pretty short entries though. I'm a busy man after all. Why am I writing this like someone's expecting to read them? This is silly. I'm going to bed

                                              -Harvey, the doctor 

Spring 1, year 1

       Well Luis tells me there's a new farmer in town! Good for business,  I suppose. I need the extra money. And frankly that farm was a hazard either way. I can't even count anymore the amount of scrapes and bruises Jaz and Vincent have come in with from playing out there. Its practically part of the forest now. Whoever they are is going to have a hell of a time cleaning that mess up.

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Spring 7, year 1

       I guess I spoke too soon about that old farm. Seems the farmers got it fixed up nice enough. I was at Pierre's for groceries Friday and I overheard Pierre talking about how they've been buying lots of seeds. Then, when I went to the museum yesterday I found they have made a deal with Gunther to donate artifacts! I saw them on the way home but they walked passed me with there head down. I think they might be a bit shy. 

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Spring 8, Year 1

       The Farmer came in and brought me coffee this morning!!!! They apologized for being rude yesterday and said it was a good will gift. I told them it was no problem,  and how much I appreciated the coffee.  They just nodded and headed off, citing some chores they had back at the farm. They were very nice about it. I felt like they were in a hurry to leave though. 

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Spring 9, year 1

       The Farmer brought me another coffee today! I think Maru might have told her I liked it. Or maybe they still feel bad? I'm not quite sure. They just walked up to my desk, sat the coffee down and quickly walked out. It felt a little odd. Other then that George has a cough. I need to talk about it with him.

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Spring 13, year 1

The Farmers been bringing me coffee ever since the seventh. They're very quiet about it though, just setting it on my desk. I'm still not used to it. They sought me out at the egg Festival today however!!!! She was telling me how much they loved dieing and searching for eggs as a kid.  They got so animated about it but stopped themselves and apologized. They walked away before I could say how much I was enjoying the conversation. I'll have to talk to them later.

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Spring 24, year 1

       I almost asked the farmer to dance with me. Almost. I couldn't go through with it though. I didn't have the Nerve and I mean.. who am I to ask? I'm just the town doctor. I think she asked Shane,  but he must have turned her down because he was still dancing with Penny. I stayed with Maru,  as always. We had a good time. Couldn't help but notice the farmer glancing over at me now and then. Or maybe it was just because I was so focused on them? Not sure 

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Don't you fret, there will be more in the near future!!!

Thank you so much for reading

Edit: part two is live!! Find it here!

If you'd like to read more of my stories, feel free to visit my Ao3, or check out my masterlist here on tumblr!!!

As always I'm a little gremlin when it comes to writing so if you have any fic ideas please feel free to drop an ask!!!!

Also I'd love to thank @minnieplier-blog for the idea from there lovely ask!!!!

[auroraescritora]

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME - PERCY/NICO AU HIGH SCHOOL - CHAPTER XX

I hope you enjoy it.

CHAPTER I / CHAPTER II / CHAPTER III / CHAPTER IV / CHAPTER V / CHAPTER VI / CHAPTER VII / CHAPTER VIII / CHAPTER IX / CHAPTER X / CHAPTER XI / CHAPTER XII / CHAPTER XIII / CHAPTER XIV / CHAPTER XV / CHAPTER XVI / CHAPTER XVII / CHAPTER XVIII / CHAPTER XIX

Percy felt like he had gone back in time. He remembered as if it were yesterday, the long, tortuous days and the whispers wherever he went; the desire to disappear was also there, the disconnection with reality, as if no one could break his bubble of self-blame and depression, feeling the emptiness that hit him when he least expected it; the feeling of inadequacy telling him that he would always be that lonely, violent boy who didn't deserve what he had or the love of others. In the end, no matter how detached he felt from reality and how unprepared to deal with life, time waited for no one. When Percy blinked, they were already at the end of first quarter of the year, which brought him to that verymoment, barely able to focus on what was right in front of his face. A surprise test, a piece of paper that would tell him if he had a chance of passing the first assessments or not.

"Per?" Nico whispered beside him, still writing. "You didn't study at all, did you?" 

Could anyone blame him? The guilt was still eating at him up inside, paralyzing him, fighting against the urge to do exactly the opposite of what his conscience was asking him to do. Nico being around him twenty-four hours a day wasn't helping, making him want to break that bubble of anguish and, at the same time, tempted to stay exactly where he was just so he wouldn't have to make a decision. Percy still woke up in the middle of the night tense and without remembering why, forced to get out of bed to calm down or get some fresh air on his face. Because he had to--

"Don't worry, we'll figure it out." Nico touched his shoulder and showed him one of the sweetest smiles he had ever seen, making Percy relax immediately, feeling like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. He watched Nico pick up both of his answer sheets, walk over to the teacher and hand them to him, who smiled charmingly at Nico.

No, he wasn't going to go down that path. That was why Percy had gotten himself into such trouble. He was committed, he would be a better person even if he died trying. So, Percy put his things in the bag and took a deep breath, counting to thirty.

1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7--

“Let’s go?”

Percy looked up and there was Nico, sweet and smiling, holding out his hands to him. The fear of worrying Nico was the only thing keeping him on his feet at the moment, if someone gave him a nudge Percy would crumble immediately; he couldn't accept the fact that... that in the end he was the monster people accused him of being. Feeling on automatic mode, Percy picked up their bags and held the hand Nico offered to him, barely missing the disappointed expression on the teacher's face.

Usually Percy liked this class and it wouldn't need much to get a high mark, but what could he do if his obsession was right in front of him, wanting his attention all the time? The bad thing was knowing he would sink into this obsession if the world around them didn't remind him of what a mistake this would be. Sometimes, Percy asked himself if what he felt was love or was just a codependency, a crutch to help him deal with the problems and traumas that not even the best psychiatrist could fix.

“Is everything okay? Do you need a break?”

They had become masters at creating barriers that weren’t there before, useless and cruel barriers that only served to hurt both of them.

If Percy were honest, he would say it’s exactly what he needed, although it wouldn’t make anything better. The longing would only increase, the pain in his chest would spread and that bad feeling in his stomach would grow stronger, making him act impulsively. Basketball practice would be a good excuse for his issues if the coach hadn’t banned him from practicing until he could focus on the game.

“Do you want to come with me to band practice? We’re going to play at the dance.”

Gently, Nico held his arm with both hands and kissed his cheek, making Percy forget about his inner demons for a brief moment, warming the emptiness in his body. “Come on, it'll be nice. You can join in if you want.”

“I didn't bring my guitar.”

“The teacher can lend it to you.”

“I don't know…” After all, there was a reason he didn't join in the group practice.

“I've been thinking about what you said... that I don't have many hobbies. You were right.”

“Was I?” It’s good to know he’d done something good.

“In Verona, I went out with my friends, drew, played and sang, wrote and cooked every day with my grandmother and cousins. I just... I feel like I don't need to do all those things when I'm with you. Now I understand the problem with that. You are doing the same.”

Well, that was exactly the problem. They were an obsessive, compulsive couple who were obsessed with each other. It was hard to see the rest of the world when the person he loved the most was so close, but for that reason it was so wrong to want those things. His desires became so intense that everything ended up being somewhat toxic.

Percy wanted to say all of this to Nico, but if he did, it would only encourage him to stay with him in this intense and traumatic bubble they had created.

“I’m glad you understand.”

“That’s exactly why I want to show you something. Will you come with me?”

He would do anything Nico asked.

Luckily, Nico was too kind to demand anything of him, or that was usually the case. So when Nico asked, Percy would be happy to oblige. He took Nico’s hand once more and they headed towards the music department, letting Nico lead him for the first time in his life. Maybe it would be a good change for them.

***

“Nico, where have you been these days? We couldn’t find you anywhere!”

Percy now remembered why he didn’t like coming to band practice. Because the one who had gotten up and ran towards them was Lou Ellen, the most fervent defender of the defenseless and oppressed, and according to her, Percy was one of those who oppressed other people.

Lou stopped in front of them and crossed her arms, looking him up and down. Percy chose to pretend he hadn't seen her, this was another ex-member of his fan club. 

Percy may or may not have gotten involved with her, he may or may not have used her and then thrown her away. It wasn't his fault if people put expectations on him when Percy didn’t promised anything, not even love or friendship. In the end, people believed what they wanted, but he wouldn't be the one to stroke their ego.

"I get it. Why did you bring that psychopath here?" She mumbled, as if she had eaten something sour, and turned to Nico. "Nico! We're late. Did you get the song?"

"Better yet, I wrote one." Nico, like the angel he was, ignored what she had said and held his hand tightly; Nico knew very well what Percy really wanted to be doing.

Instantly, Lou Ellen's face transformed in the blink of an eye, from frowning to glowing.

"Perfect! Are you going to show us?”

Lou hadn't given Nico time to answer, she pulled him along and Percy had no choice but to follow them into the music auditorium where less than ten teenagers were waiting. He remembered at some point in the past being among them, he must have been what? Twelve years old? But since music had always been something Nico liked, Percy choose to focus on other things, like sports, something that could give him a better future.

Percy didn't say anything or greet anyone, he followed Nico to the center of the stage and watched from afar. Nico picked up a guitar provided by the school and sat down on the floor, where the other people approached and sat around Nico, looking at him with admiration and something else he would rather not question. Honestly? Percy couldn't blame them, Nico looked even more handsome with a guitar on his lap and that look of contemplation as he strummed a few notes on the guitar strings, his sweet and velvety voice coming right after, echoing through the room, words and notes that Percy didn't recognize, but he also didn't make an effort to pay attention to their meanings, letting the music surround him like a sweet caress that insisted on flowing through him only to leave him throbbing and wanting more. 

He couldn't resist, Percy put their bags in a corner and got close to Nico, sitting directly next to him, placing one of his hands on Nico's back. 

Nico merely turned his face towards him and continued singing, perhaps in a slightly lower tone, a little more intimate, as if those words were meant for him and no one else. Nico smiled, then, calmly, and finally when the song reached its end, the sound of the guitar echoed for a few more moments, waking him up with its ending

Looking only at him, Nico asked in a low voice:

“Did you like it?”

“It was really good.” Because it was true. Even if he hadn’t paid attention to the words, the song itself spoke enough. “What’s it called?”

“There’s no place like home.”

The people around him applauded, stealing Nico’s attention, who thanked them, making something inside Percy rage. Who did they think they were!?

“Nico, we recorded it. Is that okay?” Lou said from somewhere in the audience. “It's perfect. Can I share it with the others?”

“I… I put it online? Can I send in the chat group?” Nico said, feeling unsure. Of course, Percy thought, as if they would deny it when the people around seemed to love him.

“That’s great,” Lou said again, excitedly.

“Excellent, Nico. Thank you for sharing something so personal with us. Can we use it for an exercise?” Euterpe, the music teacher, congratulated him. When Nico nodded, she continued. “For the next class, I want you to create an arrangement for the band. Re-record the song and also bring suggestions for other songs to perform at the dance.”

With that, the auditorium exploded into activity, people organizing themselves into two or three groups while the two  remained where they were, leaning towards each other, with Nico still holding the guitar and Percy holding Nico's waist.

"Do you want to play?" 

Percy accepted the instrument when Nico offered it to him, although he hesitated for a moment. It had been a while since he had held a guitar, long enough to almost make him forget how to position his fingers. But as they say, there are things in life that we never forget and that’s what happened when the first note sounded, clean and firm on his fingers, the fingering exercises coming back with full force, making him remember the long hours in that same auditorium, one of the few things that kept him in touch with reality when Nico had left. One of the thousands of crutches he carried through life, but that kept him standing on his feet. 

Percy concentrated for a moment and let himself go, lowered his head and allowed himself to remember, felt his fingers fly over the strings and allowed a strange calm to take over him. And for long minutes that’s all he heard, his breathing and the sequence of fast notes, that is, until his sequence came to an end and he found himself embraced by Nico.

"That's beautiful. Why didn't you tell me you could play like that?" Nico said calmly, not as if he was demanding something but as if he had received a valuable gift.

"I was busy with basketball. And with the teenage drama." Well, Percy was never good at making jokes. So, he wasn't surprised by Nico's attitude, who just kissed his cheek and rested his head on his shoulder.

"Play some more. Everyone liked it.”

“Everyone?" Percy looked around the auditorium and saw that people were indeed watching him in silence without the usual mockery. And he could swear that there were more people in the room than before.

"What do you want to hear?" 

"A romantic ballad." 

That's what he did, the notes coming out slower and simpler. Imagine his surprise when he heard people singing along with Nico, clapping and swaying.

Well, what could he do? Maybe not everything needed to be drowned in drama and angst.

***

“Sorry.” Percy said, admitting defeat. Sometimes, he forgot that Nico couldn't guess what he was thinking and, if he wanted their relationship to work as it should, Nico wasn't the only one who needed to be honest.

“You didn't do anything wrong.”

A few days had passed, but that moment in the music room had stayed in his mind. Percy knew he had a tendency to get lost in his own thoughts, imagining how the whole world was against him, when in fact, no one cared e he shouldn’t either; gossip was fleeting, these things had no effect on his life and not everyone had something bad to say about him. Nico was the reminder of that, that he still had a family, friends and someone who would stand by his side unconditionally.

To repay all the effort Nico was making, Percy had sat next to Nico on the couch at home and hugged him tightly, pulling him onto his lap. He kissed him back, but not the innocent little kisses they had grown accustomed to over the past few weeks, but rather open mouths and tongues intertwining, hearing Nico moan, sprawled and surprised in his arms.

“What was that?” Nico gasped, still in his lap, holding onto his neck.

“Thank you for being patient.”

Nico blinked slowly at him, his cheeks flushed, breathing fast, an obvious bulge in his pants. Percy knew this was Nico trying to reason through the excitement that was suddenly invading his brain.

“You know I love you, don’t you?”

“I know.” Percy said, feeling truly content.

“Sex… it’s not important. You’re my best friend, my partner.”

“Nico.”

“I could go without sex for the rest of my life, but I never want to be without you. I can wait.”

“I’m sorry.” And Percy really was, especially seeing the frustration on Nico's angelic face, seeing that Nico was ready to beg at the slightest positive sign.

The truth is that celibacy was not for him. It was a torture every day that he didn't touch Nico, he was afraid that if he allowed himself to do what he wanted, he would go back to the same bad habits. Although Percy had been questioning himself if all of this was wrong or if it was all inside his head due to the guilt of not having paid more attention to what was happening with Nico.

“Enough. I don't want to see you like this. I don't want to hear that you're sorry and that you're going to change. I don't want you to change, I mean... you don't have to do all these things because of me.”

Nico was practically pouting now, angry, it was beautiful to watch as Nico tried to convey the seriousness in his words. Nico kept trying so hard to make sure he was okay that Percy felt like doing something crazy; it could be anything. What he really wanted to do was throw Nico on the bed and make him forget the worry written all over his face. Maybe he should? Just to see if he could control himself?

“I understand. I won’t apologize again.”

“You won’t?” Nico tilted his head to the side, like a confused puppy, and that made Percy smile. He grabbed Nico by the hair and kissed him once more, feeling Nico melt against his chest.

“You deserve a reward. Do you know why?”

“Why?” Nico moaned, shifting in his lap.

“Because good boys deserve the best things.”

“Am I…? A good boy?”

“The best.”

Percy felt like he was at a tasting in his favorite restaurant. He stared at Nico’s burning face for a moment and finally allowed himself to do what he wanted. Slowly, to see what Nico would do, he took his hand from Nico’s waist and brought it to the boy’s groin, touching him gently over his jeans. Like a flower, Nico spread his legs and moved his hands out of the way, looking up at where Percy's hands were going, moaning softly when Percy finally covered his member over his clothes.

"Is it okay if I do this?" Percy asked, stopping his movements.

"Yes, please." And then, as an afterthought, Nico said: "Thank you!"

"Hmm, good boy." 

Then, as he had promised, he opened the button on Nico's pants and lowered the zipper, seeing the small bulge over his underwear. Even more slowly, Percy massaged his member for a few moments and pulled it out of his underwear. He couldn't deny it, Nico was beautiful everywhere; his dark skin, his sweet voice, his soft body. Down there he was all of that too, the member that fit in his hand, the reddish and wet head right at the tip, the  thin, well-trimmed hair at the base. Percy felt like devouring him and would only stop when Nico came all over himself, in pleasure, on his hands, on his knees, surrendered at Percy's feet. 

But not today, today Percy would take everything as calmly as he could.

“Please!” Nico whimpered, tears welling up in his eyelashes.

Percy closed his eyes for a moment and focused on his breathing. It was that heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach that was taking over him again, that possessive, controlling voice telling him that if Nico was his and he was offering himself to him like this, Percy could do whatever he wanted.

"It's okay, baby," Percy murmured, barely recognizing his own voice as he heard Nico moan. He hesitated only a moment to pay attention to Nico's reaction.

Oh, his sweet Nico. He was staring at him with wide eyes, pleading, showing so much trust in him that Percy had to move. The hand that had been near Nico's groin finally found its way and wrapped around his throbbing member. He had almost forgotten the feeling of touching such an intimate place on someone else’s body. Percy tested the waters by holding around Nico and then brushing one of his fingers over the tip, collecting the pre-cum and bringing it down, fingering the length to wrap it around him completely again, applying a little pressure.

"Like this?" He asked.

Well, Nico didn't answer him exactly, but the way Nico was leaning against his chest, moaning shamelessly, should have been a good indication.

Suddenly, Percy felt curious. After so long he felt like he had forgotten the shape of Nico's body. He used his other hand and wrapped it around Nico's lower belly, caressing his belly. He moved up a little further and found his abdomen, his ribs and chest, touching the hard nipples, where he lingered for a few moments.

"Percy!" He heard Nico whimper, rubbing himself against him.

"I know. I'm torturing you."

Keeping Nico pinned against his chest, back against shoulders, Percy continued his exploration, going down and massaging between Nico's legs again.

"Could you... lower?" Then, Nico murmured, all docile and obedient.

"Here?" His curious fingers did as Nico asked, passing over Nico's testicles and finding Nico's entrance. A light touch told him what Nico wanted.

“Have you been having fun without me, hmm?”

“I didn't know if… when… ah!…”

Well, he was still curious. Slowly, Percy brushed one of his fingers around the entrance and soon Nico opened like a flower. And even dry, his finger entered, almost without resistance, going all the way in. Percy could bet that while he was trying to give Nico time to think, Nico was having fun without him.

“Is this what you did when I wasn't looking?”

Percy tried to put another finger in and surprising him, the finger entered almost without resistance again. Nico bent over in a way that seemed painful and screamed at the top of his lungs: “It's all your fault! I tried… I tried… it's not the same!”

Oh, that made him want… no! Not today. Today, he would settle for touching and watching, who knows, maybe in a few days Percy would feel strong enough to move forward. 

So, Percy did what Nico so desperately asked him to do. He watched Nico's member throb, without anything touching it, while he continued to massage Nico's insides, moving his fingers slowly around, opening them very delicately until he found the right place. Nico shuddered and moaned for a long time, arching his spine and like magic, he saw Nico expelling, jet after jet, Percy without having to touch anywhere else.

"I hate you!" Nico groaned as he finally collapsed against Percy's chest, an expression of exhaustion and ecstasy still etched on his features.

Well, Percy believed in Nico. Sometimes, he hated himself too, especially when he had to control himself like this.

"I love you too." Percy continued to hold Nico against his chest and only moved when he was sure that Nico would no longer hate him.

So, how was today's chapter? I'm trying to develop their D/s relationship in a way that feels natural. Percy may know a lot about the bdsm world, but knowing isn't the same as understanding or practicing. Like, there's something called domdrop, you know? The guilt of doing something that socially might be discouraged, like taboo fantasies and kinks. Just like Nico has or will have some kind of subdrop too. It's not all roses and I wanted to show this side of this kind of relationship in the story. I hope you enjoyed it. Likes, reblogs and comments are always welcome. Suggestions too.

[kanmom51]

Firstly, I wanted to say I love your page and appreciate your honest perspective when it comes to BTS and jikook in particular. I am an “older” Army and can appreciate the viewpoint of someone who’s lived life a little and has seen many types of relationships. It’s very hard to not realize there’s something between JK and Jimin when you’ve seen examples of it time and time again in your own life or those around you. So thank you for making me feel less crazy!

I haven’t followed your page for very long and realize you may have touched on this in the past, but I was wondering what your thoughts are on this: Could V sometimes bringing up Jungkook/Jimin together or separately (usually Jungkook…let’s be real) and mentioning that they’ve hung out with him or seemingly being “encouraging” of a certain ship, possibly be his odd way of trying to distract from the real relationship he knows exists between jikook? Like in his own special Teahyung way be trying to help? For a long time, there has always been something that didn’t quite sit right with me when it came to V. I think it was his constant need for attention….don’t get me wrong, I love many things about him as well and know he can’t be very sweet and thoughtful and funny and endearing. I love them all very much. But am wondering what you think about V sounding like he sometimes encourages a taekook ship (ie, the last surprise live at JKs house or the live where he mentioned gaming with JK) because maybe in his own special way, he’s trying to protect? He does tend to do things in a very unique way. I don’t know! Let me know what you think!

Hey @sweetbslm108, welcome and thank you.

And hi @nut2019 😊

Now, I know both of these asks are kind of on the different sides of the spectrum, but I kind of felt like they can be answered together, because of the one communality, and that's, but of course, Tae THE MAN.

Also, before starting I need to say this is all my opinion. Take it or leave it.

I think I kinda talked about this here a bit too:

Let me just clarify what Tae shared in his IG story yesterday @nut 2019. It was a photo and a clip taken on the night after the movie premiere that JK and Tae went to, which was the 24-25 April 2023 - which as of today is 3 weeks ago. It's clearly that night and it's also clear it's not a date or an outing of the two alone, but a group outing with Tae and his friends (a couple from the Wooga squad and a couple I personally do not recognize). Yes, he posted it on Yellow day, but clearly has zero to do with that day.

I don't think Tae is encouraging the ship, but as an agent of chaos, he might be enjoying the aftermath of his handy work, maybe a little too much, lol.

Look, let's get serious here for a sec.

I love Tae to bits. I think it was even in one of the comments to the post I linked that someone mentioned thinking he's neuro divergent, and I was going "YES, FINALLY", because I've been saying this since forever. I'm no psychiatrist, so obviously I won't be handing out a diagnosis here, but, that said, his behavior, his quirkiness, his lack of understanding social queues and others emotions at times. The way he just says what pops to head, no matter if it has anything to do with the subject, and no matter what the consequences might be (take his 2015 radio interview fiasco literally outing JM on live air).

Tae is who he is. Always has been. And we all need to remember that the others all love him. All of them (including those we tend to champion). They might be frustrated with him at times. Angry with him. Might want to end him at times (from what JK spilled about the dumpling fight I kind of feel that was one of those times, lol), but you know, we all have those days with our loved ones too, so yeah.

In any case, whatever it may be, since the hiatus Tae has started to move in a certain recognized pattern that many Jikookers aren't happy with.

I understand the frustration that not only Jikookers have with him when it comes to that (and I'm saying that Tae stans are also feeling it). It feels like he lacks the energy to give to the fandom, interact with them, and maybe he feels that by dropping JK's name or posting a pic or clip with him he's making them happy (obviously aware of how much JK is loved), all while he obviously also is well aware of the chaos he's creating by doing so (claiming that he doesn't is a little naïve). It's kind of a minimum work maximum impact situation.

You are right @sweetbslm108 about Tae's mind being different to ours, it feels like his thought process is on a different parallel level. It's not by chance that JM called him his alien, lol. But saying that, I really don't think that this is his twisted way of going about protecting Jikook. I, personally, have no issues with him mentioning JK if it's part of the natural development of the conversation, kind of like he did during his live a few weeks back in the car. Doing so while talking about this and that, maybe also mentioning the others. They are good friends and clearly have gotten closer over the last few months (I'd say them being left for last and JM being MIA for JK did that), and it's natural they spend time together and it's great if he let's us know about it. But why only JK lately? That's what I keep asking myself, because he's not the only member he's in touch with or spent time with in the past few months. And coming live for a few minutes and dropping JK's name for what seems so purposeful, so much so that I've seen several Tae stans complaining about it. Because it doesn't feel natural. It doesn't feel like he's coming to talk to army or update them.

And I feel like it's ok to criticize him, criticize his behavior.

JK himself (there I go name dropping) said they are only human, which they are.

I keep saying it too, human beings with feelings and wants and needs, not 2 dimensional characters like many fans see them as.

And as such, they are not infallible. And they are definitely not beyond reproach.

And saying out loud, sounding said criticism, it doesn't make you a hater.

We criticize our loved ones, reprimand them when we feel they are doing wrong, and we do it out of love. So what's the difference here?

It should be part of the open discussion. Those who think it's wrong, those who don't, all respectful, no hate.

NO HATE!!

We don't do hate!!!

We love all 7 members.

We might feel more of an emotional connection with some rather than others, but we love them all, each in their own way.

And if I wasn't clear about it, then that includes Tae, even if sometimes he does things that might be infuriating.

My daughters can infuriate me at times, doesn't make me love them any less. Also doesn't stop me from letting them know I don't agree with their behavior.

I will end this by saying that we are all different people, we come from different backgrounds, different places in the world, different professions or schooling, different upbringings, different cultures, different life experiences, just different. All those are our baselines. The things that make us who we are, what we think, what we do.

And being different, all gathering here, voicing our opinions, talking to each other, hearing each other out, that will, at the end of the day make us better people. I do believe that. Being able to listen to one another and at times allow ourselves to be convinced one way or another, that makes us better.

Bottom line:

Tae is an agent of chaos. We love him, even when said chaos he is causing can be infuriating (and the thing is, all he's doing is mentioning his friend or posting a pic of them together, but it's what transpires from that due to mainly I-army that irks us so much).

We are also allowed to call him out on it.

No hate. Period.

Have a civil discussion.

You can voice your opinions here, as long as it's respectful and without hate. Not towards the members and not towards each other.

[phayz]

my town has a charity+an annual fundraiser walk because our local hospitals send away so many people who ultimately attempt or complete a suicide upon leaving (usually having gone to the hospital to EXPLICITLY say "i am going to kill myself"...they just dont admit suicidal people its not like a thing here. unless its against your will in which case theyll admit you. willingness is seen as a reason not to admit here.). everyone i know has either experienced it or lost someone to suicide in this exact manner. its hopeless.

dude im sorry thats crazy but yeah its fucking insane how little hospitals care when it comes to mental health crises, and i totally agree on the willingness part. i live in a country where you can legally get medical assisted suicide because they would literally rather help you kill yourself than help you not want to kill yourself 😭 when i was a teenager in the psych ward i hated it so much i eventually just started lying about how i was feeling to get out quicker. and ive been to many different hospitals over many years for many different mental health issues and its always the same shit treatment. either they dont take you seriously because youre not really suicidal if you dont have a real plan, or they take seven hours to triage you and make you wait in the waiting room that whole time. as a patient in crisis. and when they do admit you they just put you on a cot in the hall. these are all things that have happened to me! and literally today when i went to the psych unit here she basically said that smoking weed was making me depressed. and she went to see if i could get back a psychiatrist appointment i cancelled yesterday in a delirious self-sabotage, which should have been a 2 minute call with the receptionist, but she left for over an hour with no update until we went to go track her down. like are you kidding me? what if i had extreme paranoia or something? youre really not going to give your psych patients an update on whats going on? i could have just left the building!😭 and since im already seeing a psychiatrist all they recommended me was Group Therapy DBT. honestly what a joke

[nocturneworld6]

Hello :3

I stumbled across your blog yesterday while searching for ao3 tags and discovered that you are the author of 3 wonderful diabolik lovers fanfics that I plan to read in the near future. I only got introduced to the game series after watching the anime a few months ago, and I've already played the first two games myself, but it wasn't until a week ago that I joined here to learn new and new things. Since you are a fan of one of the most complex in character and personality of the triplets, at least for me, I would be glad if you could tell me a little about him. Like why exactly he of all caught your attention, what exactly makes him different from his brothers, what mental disorders do you think he suffers from, his fears, and that weird obsession he has with Cordelia. Since I want to delve a little deeper into the character of all the brothers and Mukami, I've been doing a lot of research lately on the types of mental issues, but there seems to be very little information on Ayato despite being such a well-liked character.

(Sorry for the huge novel I just created, if you don't want to or don't have time for that you can ignore it).

I think I've answered a similar question before, so I'll keep it brief... Ayato suffers from huge abandonment issues and has obvious mental scars from the torture he has suffered at the hands of his mother. Most of the kids have but the way he internalised that trauma is interesting. He didn't drown his sorrow in sex like Laito or become totally unhinged like Kanato, didn't shut himself like Shu or Become overzealous about success like Reiji... And even though he does have self loathing tendencies like Subaru it's not nearly as serious as him. He decided to become a crybaby who wants and seeks constant attention and validation. Don't mind me making fun of my favourite Diaboy. Jealousy isn't an attractive trait but it surely is an interesting one.

Regarding his obsession with Cordelia... Have you seen Reiji's obsession with Beatrix? The man tries to resurrect her multiple times just to torture her in the games. I guess Ayato's obsession is rather tame compared to his brothers, but I would say all of the brothers are somehow in a trauma bond with their mothers. I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist and I'm totally making a huge generalisation but, it's not far from possible. So saying someone is more interesting than any other isn't truly giving any justice to the characters. You know what character I hate the most in the game? Kou! Is he a loved character? Yes! Do I dare say that he's interesting? Yes! But does he interest me in particular? No. Every individual tends to have their own quirks and I wouldn't say any particular character is more complex than the others. They're all complex and there's something about Ayato that I particularly like.

Tbh I simply ship him with Yui and my personal favourite is Reiji, but I wouldn't tell you that. :) Also... Regarding the psychological aspect... I wouldn't mind you diving deeper into it, but I think since they're pretty different from humans, the Sakamakis and Mukamis aren't really characters we should view with the lens of human psychology. What is normal to us isn't normal to them.

[changingplumbob]

Nishidake Household: Chapter 5, Part 1

In this part the Nishidake household hit a few roadbumps with the inclusion of the health mods.

Back to Mt Komorebi where the Nishidake household sleeps. Last rotation they got the news that Kaori’s grandparents had left a large inheritance for her and her wife. The Nishidake family are the guardians of the mountain, a mantle which requires loyalty to the region. Specifically you can go somewhere on holiday, but if you take steps to move away you will die. At least according to a bunch of dead ancestors who tried, including Kaori’s parents.

Charlie: We better get up

Kaori: Clover’s belly is not the boss of us

Clover: *barks hungrily*

Kaori: Who am I kidding? Her belly is totally the boss of us

Charlie: *laughs* I can go feed her if you want first shower

Kaori: Please. I had a not great fall yesterday and my muscles are still aching

Charlie: You should have said, I could have given you a massage

Kaori: I’ve maxed my snowboarding skill, I’m not meant to have falls

Charlie: Everyone has falls *to Clover* Come on my honey pie, who wants biscuits?

Charlie: Did you get back in your pyjamas? *kisses cheek*

Kaori: Yeah, they’re comfy

Charlie: Remember we need to go to the doctors first thing

Kaori: Why? Since when

Charlie: Mum text about a new mod. Apparently we need vaccines and to go see a gynaecologist

Kaori: Char only one of us got a bio degree

Charlie: Oh, they just look at our pixel parts and tell us if we’re healthy

Kaori: What? I don’t want some stranger looking at my pixel parts

Charlie: We don’t have a choice

Kaori: Sure we do! We just don’t go. It’s not like we’re going to get pregnant or one of us is sleeping with someone who has a pixel parts infection

Charlie: We don’t need to be trying to get pregnant for our reproductive organs to stuff up and explode

Kaori: *suspiciously* You’re just being gloomy right? Our organs won’t actually explode…

Charlie: Guess the only way for you to find out is to come with me

Kaori: *rolls eyes* Fine. How much will it set us back

Charlie: Don’t worry. All players on the team get health insurance, we’ll be fine, it won’t cost as much

Kaori: Brilliant! We could use the savings on a new couch

Charlie: Umm, I don’t think that’s how savings work. And we hardly ever sit on the couches anyway

Kaori: Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have nice ones. And I’m not suggesting we use the inheritance on ourselves, but you and I do get income we can spend. You knew you were marrying a shop-a-holic Char, I like nice things

Charlie: Am I included in these nice things

Kaori: Only if you take a shower

Charlie: Oh, she burns!

Kaori: Shut up, you know I still have a fear of fire. I’ll get the dishes, you shower so we can get these medical visits over with

Clover: *barks* Hope I don’t have any medical visits

Kaori: We survived!

Charlie: Heck yeah. Now, about what the doctor said…

Kaori: Char she said I’m neurodivergent, it’s not like we need to be worried or sad or whatever

Charlie: I’m gloomy, I can’t help it. Do you want me to go to the psychiatrist with you

Kaori: Nah, I’ll be sweet. Can you get started on the chores for me though?

Charlie: Does gardening count

Kaori: So long as you don’t let Clover track the dirt through the house

Charlie: I won’t. But I know you enjoy vacuuming so… I’ll leave that for you?

Kaori: *laughs* Guilty! Okay, I’ll vacuum when I’m back

Charlie gets started on her indoor garden. She learned how to garden during her biology degree with Rahul, not that she’d tell her dad that she’d ignored his many attempts to teach her about soil types and fertiliser strengths. She’s calling out to Clover every so often when she realises Clover is barking differently than normal.

Charlie: You better not be inviting around the hound dogs

Clover: *barks to the hound dogs*

Charlie: We’re getting you spayed so don’t even think about it

Kaori: What’s all the noise in here

Charlie: You back? How’d it go

Kaori: Did you say we’re getting this precious angel spayed

Charlie: I did indeed yell that

Clover: *barks in love*

Kaori: But... Charlie... puppies could be so cute!

Charlie: No

Kaori: Why not? You got her and Allie as puppies

Charlie: Over population K. There’s enough strays out there without adding to the surplus

Kaori and Clover go to the garden room where Charlie is fighting a temporary bug invasion.

Kaori: But what if... we kept the puppies

Charlie: *sighs* K, pregnancy is hard and labour is rough. Yes you may end up with cute puppies but think about what Clover would have to go through. It’s not right for us to put her through that when we can get her fixed

Kaori: *pouts* Suppose

Charlie: I don’t want to be pregnant. You don’t want to be pregnant. Why would we make her do something we’re not willing to go through ourselves huh?

Kaori: You’re right, I know you’re right. She just really seems to want to make puppies

Clover: *barks in love*

Charlie: It’s hormones. Should calm down when she’s fixed. Now what did the psychiatrist say

Kaori: That I have… wait he did write it down somewhere for me…

Clover: *barks in love*

Charlie: Honey pie mummies are talking right now

Kaori: Oh, I kept it on my phone. I have this thing called… Dysgraphia? I think that’s how it’s pronounced

Charlie: I haven’t heard of it before

Kaori: Yeah me neither

Charlie: Do they think we need to be worried at all

Kaori: No. It’s just why I have trouble writing neatly and getting stuff from my head onto paper

Charlie: Did they want you to start anything like meds or tutoring or something

Kaori: Depends on how much I’m bothered. Like I have the film and literature hobby but I enjoy experiencing stories more than creating them you know. I’ll see how I go

With the garden tidied Charlie gets into her uniform and heads off to work.

Kaori: Good luck playing Char! We'll be listening and watching

Charlie: Thanks. Hey Clover, I’ll see you when you have less organs

Clover: *whines*

Kaori: Here we are, standard vets. I’ll go sign you in for a spay, come on Clover

Clover: *whines in love*

Kaori: Let’s see… do we have an account here? We should do, we took Allie here after all

Bartholemew A. Bittlebun, Snr.: *meows* Lady you’re in my puddle

Kaori: Spay… spay… spay! Here we go, all signed up

 Bartholemew A. Bittlebun, Snr.: *meows* The service here is terrible

Kaori: I’m lucky this screen lights up. Why is it so dark in here?

Clover: *barks* Puddle! I must jump in as tribute to Peanut

Bartholemew A. Bittlebun, Snr.: *meows* Make your own puddle to play in

Clover: *barks* But this one is right here and I need to roll

Bartholemew A. Bittlebun, Snr.: *runs from the scene of the crime*

Justin: Hey lady, your dog is making a mess! All over the floor

Kaori: Maybe you should wait for the vet outside Clover

Bartholemew A. Bittlebun, Snr.: *smirks in victorious cat*

Cora: Clover? Clover?

Clover: *barks* That’s my name, don’t wear it out

Cora: You’re a nice doggy, right

Clover: *barks* Why do you look scared

Sick Non Fox: *barks* Get out of my way!

Clover: *growls* You get out of my way fire feet

Sick Non Fox: Why hasn’t the vet taken you in yet? Do you have rabies

Clover: *growls* I do not have rabies

Kaori: So do you have a cat or-

Brant: Three dogs, the youngest one seems to have something wrong with his feet. Luckily we live nearby

Kaori: Oh man I live all the way in Mt Komorebi, but this is pretty much the only vet clinic in the world

Brant: Tell me about it

…

Cora: Nice doggy? Want to play

Clover: *barks* at least that rhymes with spay

Sick Non Fox: You’re getting your organs taken out? Loser. I can breed free

Clover: *growls* I pity any offspring of your ridiculous looking self

Cora: Here we are. If you could just get her to sit on the treadmill

Kaori: Clover, sit. What was the delay?

Cora: Oh, you know, just wanted to check some things

Clover disappears into the machine…

Kaori: What do you mean? What things

Cora: Not to worry. This is my first time doing a spay but I did learn how to tell the difference between the uterus and the bladder

Clover: *whines*

Kaori: Is she okay in there

Cora: She’ll be fine. Now the procedure does fit her with a cone. We recommend *thinks hard* that it stay on for the rest of the day

Kaori takes Clover home feeling less than confident in the nurses abilities but Clover seems fine apart from the cone. Charlie will be working until 9 but the fridge is almost empty so Kaori starts on dinner.

Kaori: I’m sorry we won’t have puppies Clover, they would have been cute. Maybe in a few years mummy will let us get another puppy huh?

Clover: *barks dejectedly*

Kaori: Of course, we could always just go adopt a puppy as a surprise

Clover: *barks questioningly*

Kaori: I know babykins, you’re right. Rescue pets do not make good surprise gifts

Kaori turns on the radio while she eats so she can tune in to Charlie’s game. She’ll watch it properly when she’s eaten but she likes to catch the start. It’s a rough game for Charlie’s team, they don’t win, and Charlie gets subbed out ten minutes before then end. She returns home gloomier than usual.

Kaori: Do you want a massage

Charlie: You watched the game huh

Kaori: I did

Charlie: I hate when coach subs me out at the end. I’m the best on the team for the penalty shootouts

Kaori: I suppose you can’t win them all

Charlie: This stupid reporter-

Kaori: Hey, have some food while we talk. You look pretty wiped out

Charlie: You left me the last of the Pho?

Kaori: I had to cook so I figured I’d let you have it

Charlie: Aww thanks K. You’re sweet

Kaori: Now you mentioned reporter

Charlie: *sighs* So it’s post match press and this guy calls the loss one of the worst ever to happen in soccer. Which I get, it was a rough end. But he was asking me who was responsible? Did the dude not see I wasn’t even on the pitch for the end?

Kaori: Did you tell him off

Charlie: I thought about it, but I didn’t want to throw coach under the bus. Then she’d have even more reason to bench me. So I spouted some nonsense about teamwork. I swear they target me with the tricky questions because they know I’m gloomy and they’re searching for a soundbite

Kaori: Come here, I love you and your gloominess. It keeps me and my cheerfulness grounded

Charlie: *sighs* I suppose so. I guess I should do the dishes

Kaori: No, I got them. I think somebody wants their cone off

Charlie: Oh Clover, Honey pie? Who wants to be free again?

Clover: *barks* Have mercy on me

Charlie: Does my brave girl need a hug, huh? Do you need a hug?

The tired trio head to the bedroom together and fall asleep.

Previous (Foster) ... Next

[thestarsarecool]

Q: You’ve spoken a bit about the depression you experienced after The Beatles split. Has the whole process of navigating fame and the pressures of the music industry affected your mental health?

PAUL McCARTNEY: I think so, yes. But, in truth, I just took to booze. There wasn’t much time to have mental health issues, it was just, fuck it, it’s boozing or sleeping. But I’m sure it did, as they were very depressing times. It’s funny, I remember when I first met Linda, she was divorced with a child and living in New York and having to fend for herself. She got depression and I remember her saying she made a decision. She said, “You know what? I’m not going to have this depression, because if I do I’m going to be in the hands of other people. And I’m not going to allow that to happen.” So she sort of picked herself up by her bootstraps and said, “I’ve got to get out of this myself.” And I think that was what I was able to do, to get out of the depression by saying, “OK, this is really bad and I’ve got to do something about it.” So I did. And I think that’s my way, almost by being my own psychiatrist. You say, “This is not cool. You’re not as bad as you think you are” and all of the things. So you start to think, “OK.”

For instance, John saying, “All you ever wrote was ‘Yesterday’.” No. Wait a minute. “Let It Be”, “Eleanor Rigby”, “Lady Madonna”, for fuck’s sake. And I was happy to tell myself all of this. There’s more! “Hey Jude”, “The Fool On The Hill”, whatever. I think that’s how I got out of it, by persuading myself that it wasn’t a good idea to give in to my depression and my doubts. I had to look for ways...

But this is a common phenomenon. I remember talking to Lady Gaga once about something we were doing together – I’m dropping all the names! – and she was saying, “Well, there’s the self-loathing.” And I think, “Shit, that’s the first time I’d ever heard anyone talk about that.” And her, she was, like, at the top of her game, massively popular and everything she was doing was a hit, but she was just talking about self-loathing. And I’m saying, “I kind of know what you mean, but I’m not allowing that. I’m not having that. It’s not a road I want to go down.”

But you do get it. Any time you write a song, you’re going, “This is crap. This is terrible. Come on.” So I kick myself and say, “Get it better. If it’s terrible, get it better.” And sometimes someone will come along, someone who you respect, and say, “No, that’s great. Don’t worry about that,” and then show you a side to it that you didn’t notice and then you’ll go, “Oh, yeah.”

— Paul McCartney, GQ Magazine, 4th August 2020

[bpd-bipolar-me]

TW: Talk of meds, ed's, sh, sa, attempted sc, mental disorders & illness,

The First Post

I figure my first post, since it rarely goes read, should be an introduction to me and my plan for the blog! I want to say welcome and I’m excited to begin this page, I’ve wanted to start a blog for a while so I find it lovely that you’re joining me for the adventure 💛🥰

About Me

I have been facing symptoms of mental illness since the age of 12-13, and I turn 23 later this month. Within the last couple months I have ramped up my treatment when it comes to mental health; therapist, psychiatrist, diagnosis’s, medication, and group therapy. Although I have not dialed in a specific diagnosis in relation to BPD and Bipolar disorder, I do have a confirmed diagnosis for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. After talking with mental health professionals I have been told that I very likely have either BPD or Bipolar, and I have also discussed the possibility of a dual diagnosis (both BPD and Bipolar)*. Bipolar runs prominently in one side of my family and I display symptoms and characteristics of both disorders. I have struggles with eating disorders since the age of 14-15 and now only struggle with restrictive eating habits and distorted body image. I suffered family abuse and neglect growing up. My parents divorced when I was 16 but it didn't devastate anybody in the family, we all knew the marriage was rotten in it's ways. I choose to move with my dad and my siblings stayed with my mother. I have since cut contact with my mother and siblings a couple months ago but that's a story for another time. I used to sh, specifically the "emo" way but funnily I didn't have a emo phase, I've dropped out of college twice, have been sa'd many times, attempted sc twice in my life, have never been hospitalized, and just started Abilify yesterday. I was initially recommended Lithium but I don't think I'm even remotely ready for that. But more on that later.

About The Page

I wish for this page to be a place that someone like me can comfortably expose the inner and outer workings of a person with unstable emotions and moods, someone who may* have a personality or mood disorder. I hope for it to be a place that someone like me can see and relate to in some way, or someone who cannot relate at all can develop a better understanding of what it's like to live this way and experience life the way we do. I wish for this page to be a place to help and heal me and others in any way, and a piece of the world where I can show and share whatever I wish to. Please take what connects and be open to understanding what doesn't.

I wish you the bestest of days and nights, remember to drink water, have a stretch, breath deep, and take your damn meds!!💛

~Bellie

[mega-ringsandthings-world]

Maybe be I’m just projecting but—

From your descriptions, it sounds like Mihawk had some pretty OCD-like symptoms and control issues even before the trauma. I could just be pathologizing here; I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist, but I am someone who suffers from OCD and OCD-like symptoms. His need for perfection in everything he does, almost hypochondriac tendencies, sounds like they get ratcheted up to extremes. Maybe his canon counterpart found ways to mellow out, deal with it in a healthy manner, focus on gardening or how he arranges his castle, or keep himself concentrated on busywork.

But this version of Mihawk sounds like he's always three steps away from rubbing the skin off his hands from a bad texture. I wonder if the Mihawk, like many trauma survivors, the world is both hypersensitive and muted to him? Like his need for control and constant use of Observation Haki is to the point that the world feels too bright and too uncontrollable but also muted emotionally, like he's not really feeling it? Like a dissidence between him and reality and being able to control his environment helps with the issue.

I wonder if he's experiencing constant sensory overload but can't stop himself from this form of self-harm, fearing that the moment he turns off Observation Haki is the moment something bad happens. And if he sees Shanks as a piece of himself, something sewn skin to skin, does he fret and control Shanks too? Like fixing his hair a certain way, wiping his mouth of crumbs, cleaning his hands and face after a battle, choosing his outfits, and does it get to the point where it goes from harmless fretting into something suffocating?

I can see Shanks soaking it up at first, someone taking care of him, loving him, looking out for him. It probably feels normal, natural, and from what we've talked about, it seems one of his coping mechanisms is just shutting down, going quiet and still, and disappearing for a while. Having someone to take care of you while you're basically incapacitated must be helpful. But maybe sometimes it feels like Shanks doesn't own his own skin, and being taken care of feels less like care and more like control. He'll remember being dolled up, forced to wear makeup and clothes, to smile and lie and continue on until his voice bled, and not even the softness of callus free hand feels like his own.— and he'll get into these screaming matches with Mihawk over buttons or the food that they're eating, insisting that he's not a kid anymore, that he can take care of himself.

And Mihawk, angry from Shanks' anger, wound up from the feeling of everything and everyone mixed with his PTSD, will bite back just as mean. That he couldn't take care of himself yesterday, and if he was going to spit on Mihawk giving a damn, he could at least say it out loud!

They’ll be angry, so vicious, and needling, and cruel. Maybe their projecting maybe their both confused and in pain and don’t know how to say “I love you but being around you makes me want to claw my own skin off sometimes but being with out you is death and I don’t know which is worse?”

In the beginning the same way he wears high collars and a full jacket and hat does Mihawk also wear gloves or keep his hands covered in armament? To A. Not touch anything and B. Deal with sensory input? Did Shanks walk around completely ass naked after a fight just to prove a point that the won’t wear any of the clothes Mihawk picked out for him?

Do they have meltdowns? Where Mihawk can't stand the heat or his clothes or anything touching him, even the air he breathes feels like poison. Does he get angry, does he spiral? Does he use his observation haki to purposefully attack people where he knows it will hurt the most, by feeling out their emotions and their thoughts, cruel, cruel so very cruel. I know Shanks shuts down, but what about when he has a melt down, is it even more catastrophic with his uncontrollable Conqueror's Haki mixed in? Like an oppressive weight of anger, pain, sorrow so deep and wide it could swallow the world.

Just these two feel like their going to eat each other alive with there trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I’m just holding on to the fact that you say they get some healing in the end.

He did/does. Partly he's just innately a perfectionist, but yes, it always seemed to me like Mihawk would have some control issues/tendencies like the ones you've mentioned. Pre-Loguetown AU Mihawk doesn't struggle with them severely, because up until Loguetown, he's always had control over himself and his surroundings/environment, and working alone contributes greatly to keeping down any negative stimuli/things he can't immediately control or has to overtly work to control. This goes the same for canon Mihawk. He's in a steady situation, except when he himself chooses. Any anything he comes across, he quickly controls. Loguteotwn is going to exacerbate his issues a thousandfold. Where they were once mild, now they decidedly aren't. Wrong texture, wrong sound, suspect atmosphere? It'd be agony. He used observation Haki almost passively before, but in Loguetown observation haki is what he relied on to give himself a desperate last silver of control; the ability to sense the horrors coming before they did. That way he was at least prepared. So when he gets out, a survivors' hyper-vigilance is conflated with the superhuman nature of the observation Haki. Hell, it's like a fucking drug. And the effects would be the same as a drug, both dulling and enhancing. He gets the input of the Haki, which gets him jittery and raw with the sheer sensations he's processing in bulk. But when the first rush of that dulls, and if there is no true danger, he goes numb from the over-stimulation. Wash rinse and repeat, until he's throwing up with it. And he wouldn't stop. So yeah. Hm. I don't think Mihawk would be deliberately controlling, at least not of personal effects, because the very notion of controlling Shanks or forcing him into something he is not comfortable with would utterly repulse him, given what him and Shanks went through. However, he'd try to control Shanks' physical circumstances. Anything that involves Shanks or concerns him, things he's doing, places he's going, plans he's making, he'd have a hand and an eye in. Which brings it's own type of problems, when Shanks wants something done one way and Mihawk thinks it the best for Shanks' safety that it's done this way, and neither budge, since despite how deeply they are hooked in eaach other, they are still separate people. And when Mihawk does try to control Shanks' in a more personal way, (because it does happen, just unwittingly) it's because Mihawk has got shoved back so deep in the past that he's reverting to his nineteen year-old-self, where the only type of control he had was telling Shanks to brush his hair or blow his nose properly. Shanks experiencing that type of control from Mihawk is near horrifying, because of how much it mimics the actions of their former captors. Because Mihawk is never forcefully controlling of Shanks, unless during episodes like this. So he'd distance himself from Mihawk, which makes Mihawk think of the times they'd part Shanks from him, and he'd react even more strongly, and both go deeper down the rabbit hole until the cycle manages to break. (Shanks indulges Mihawk's natural fussing until times like these, when he recoils from it instead) On the flip side, Shanks would rally against Mihawk's standards, he'd think Mihawk was being too severe or being too rigid, trying too hard or working himself too hard, telling Mihawk to come out of his shell, that things do not always have to be perfect, have to be foolproof, screaming at him that apparently doesn't Mihawk trust him to do/choose anything, and why does he act this way? Why do things have to be so so so perfect? Fighting with Mihawk over the little things Mihawk has control over/makes decisions about, like yes, clothes and food and the color of something, Mihawk's suggestions and opinions over clothes and music and books ( and if Luffy is there, they fight over him.) needs pt.2

[critters-crimson-hollow]

I can say that Rex is a different identity inside this body, for sure!

He has his own taste, his own opinions, and his own personality (different than mine). Whenever I feel overwhelmed with something, he's here to make me feel better. He has always done that for many years, even if I didn't notice him!

Yesterday, I was crying and feeling very depressed and unlovable. Suddenly, my feelings melted away, and I felt calm and warm. It was Rex's presence who was soothing me.

During the two weeks I spent at college, he had been here, and whenever I felt too anxious to focus, he took control of the body because Rex is someone who is very focused on things he likes (and he likes my studies, so yeah!). It happened several times with a few other things (some of them I explained on several posts).

There are a lot of things very blurry still, but I think we'll find out eventually, and when I'll see my psychiatrist, I will talk about that with her!

I'm a bit anxious because she will be a new psychiatrist, but I don't wanna hide my past and who I am anymore.

[lostinthewoods1991]

On the Birth and Death of Selves

It was my birthday yesterday. Over time, birthday is a day I've come to dread. New year is the same too. Birthday is one of those days that reminds me of all the ways in which I look like a failure to others. As a child, I was an overachiever. Not because I fancied being that but because I somehow ended up being so. I was someone who was unanimously considered talented. However, even as a child, I never understood what the hype was all about. I was treated like I was a potential celebrity in the making. I started singing professionally when I was a six-year-old, clueless kid. I was called to give interviews on TV shows, I was part of big stage shows, I always had recordings coming up and I was even invited as a chief guest to functions! It's all common these days but wasn't, back then. Atleast not as much as it is today, not in the field of singing. I remember wondering what was wrong with everyone and I swear I'm not humblebragging. It was too much for me to wrap my head around. Maybe there are children who find it easy and good. I wasn't one of them. I grew up hearing I'm a prodigy and that I was supposed to make it big in life. Very big. How was it possible for a child who was so immensely loved and appreciated to feel so intensely lonely? I don't think anybody understood that.

My outer self and inner self were always so far away from each other. Over time, the gap only widened. There's an abyss in between. The bridge that runs over the abyss is now old, shaky and crumbling in places. I don't even know if anybody can truly cross over. There are constant reminders and lamentations that I am put through. "Evide ethanda kutti aayirunnu" is the most tiring one among them. Some people say it's a case of evil eye. Some say it's because I lack God's grace. Some say it's just that I'm lazy. What nobody understands is how burned out I was, by the time I was a teenager. I wanted to have nothing to do with singing. Around that time, my vocal chords suffered from something like a minor damage and I seized the opportunity to bail out of all the occasions where I was expected to sing. That was how desperate I was for an escape.

You know the thing about being considered talented? About being praised all the time? You lose your right to make mistakes. To be anything less than the best. To have a choice of not participating in the race. You lose all these rights. I did. I was a painfully shy, quiet child who just wanted people to let me be. That's all I ever wanted. I grew tired of praise. My identity was brought down to my talent. I hated singing but people made me feel I didn't have the right to hate it. I was told I was being ungrateful. I was told I owed my singing to others. I hated being on stage. I hated being pushed. Most of all, I hated that I didn't seem to have the space to explore any other aspect of who I was or who I wanted to be. I only wanted to be understood as a human being. It was such a basic need of mine that went unmet.

Today, as an adult, I know I'm still that child seeking understanding from the world. I believe that was the drive behind my need to put out my thoughts and feelings. There was so much of me that was buried under others' expectations of who I should be. I believe I reached a point in life where atleast I had to understand myself, if nobody else could. In my attempts to do so, I might have come across as self-obsessed, I know. A psychiatrist I once met told me I am emotionally complex. It's better to make peace with the fact that you will probably never be understood the way you want to be, instead of seeking it everywhere, she said. I never went back to her, though I know she must have had a point.

I have almost completely stopped singing. I lost my ability to sing without feeling the presence of an audience expecting the best out of me. Writing is mostly the only way of self-expression I have now. There's a reason behind my insistence that I should be the ultimate judge of my writing. It's a sense of control that I did not have as a child. I need validation but I also need control. Today, I'm a disappointment to many people who knew me from childhood. They look at me like how they'd look at a tragic heroine from a Shakesperean play. It's all so dramatic. "Ammu, why are you destroying yourself?" - I heard this today too. How do I tell people that I am not trying to destroy myself but I am, in reality, trying to reclaim myself? Is there anybody here who believes me when I say that? Because I wanted to please others and be fair to myself too at the same time, I have found myself existing on the bridge all my life. It's a nearly collapsing bridge and I have many times fallen through, into the abyss. None of these people will understand my struggle because they don't know me. Even if I lay my heart bare before them, they will see only what they want to see, obviously.

Despite all this, I live with something in my mind that says I haven't lost at life. Who decides what's loss and victory anyway? I have disappointed myself plenty of times. I still do. But not in ways that others think. And I am winning at life, but in ways that might be invisible to others. What hasn't changed is the fact that I was invisible, I'm still invisible and I'll probably always be invisible. But, I'm trying my best to be a better person. I guess that will count, for now. :)

[purpleeivy]

Day 23 of my Daily Drawing. Accomplished Psychiatrist, Loving Dad (who pretends he doesn’t love his family, but only to himself), Westalis’ best Spy, and absolutely hot as fuck, Twilight! Now known also as Loid Forger.

I love Spy X Family it’s so good. I even wrote a story that essentially stole the ending of Season 1 (Cour 2) for part of it. (Not saying what specific part cus i don’t wanna spoil it, but it’s to do with Loid meeting someone). I loved that story i’ve just not been able to write anything for ages. I really wanna. Sorry rambling I’ll do that in a bit. Critic time.

Negatives - I instantly noticed when I uploaded the image that Loid’s left eye is angled left and up, while his right eye is angled right and up. Idk how I didn’t notice that when checking over the drawing lol. Also his head shape is a teeny bit off.

Positives - Literally everything else. I love Anya’s one (shameless self reference), and it is fitting that her father’s drawing be just as good imo.

Rambles time.

I know I said yesterday I am gonna do a thing about Shallan and the stormlight archive, but I realised that that’s gonna take a lotttttt of effort, so I’m just gonna do it when I reread the books. I really want to get that perfect, even if no-one reads it, because I just think it will help me with my mental state a lot. And I’ll probably also rewrite it to be a character essay on Shallan (if I can figure out what those actually are). So if that goes well then I could potentially do the same for other Stormlight characters. (And maybe characters after that.)

Random manga recommendations. If you’re gay and or into manga, then you should read

(Yuri, and i’m 99% sure these are both completely SFW, though I haven’t read the latest chapters)

- Kimi To Tsuzuru Utakata/The Summer You Were There

- The Guy She Was Interested In Wasn’t a Guy At All

and

(Not Yuri but I love it anyway, it might be nsfw at some parts, I don’t really remember)

- Ikemen Joshi To Josou Danshi/While Cross-Dressing, I Was Hit on by a Handsome Guy!

I’ve been meeting up with friends more and it’s been nice, but it’s also made me realise how… not great, i’ve been feeling when im alone. I sort of got used to it so it didn’t feel as bad, but now I’m actually enjoying myself with people I like I’m seeing just how bad it is, cus im comparing this feeling to the good feeling. Idk. It’s weird, I’m not gonna go into it here (in this post, maybe i will in the future)

I’m getting super into One Piece so I’ll probably draw some of those characters. I’m only up to episode 220 or smth, so I won’t be drawing anyone from after that. (and only the Going Merry for now)

Idk if I have anything else to say, so as always.

Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, and goodnight from me.

love you all <3

(ref image)

[makorays]

How has therapy gone for you so far? I know you mentioned it a few months ago, but I haven't been incredibly tuned in as of late.

it's...been a bit of a mixed bag, but mostly good. therapists can't help you with everything, but they can recognize when you're making poor choices with how you handle your issues, they can teach you strategies to not let your mental problems ruin you as much, they can help you gain new perspective from someone who hopefully knows more about how to effectively treat mental health than your friends or family, etc.

but also there's come a point for me where we've both pretty much talked about everything there is to talk about with me, and my therapist is powerless to help me with the thing i actually need more than anything, proper medication. so powerless, in fact, that when i told them i wanted a psychological evaluation, they had me set up an appointment with their in-house psychiatrist in which the psych spent about 20 minutes asking me super basic questions only to prescribe me SSRIs after i told them i'd rather try something else because both SSRIs i had tried at that point only made things worse. then i got another psychiatrist, who i also asked for an evaluation from, and it was only on our second appointment just yesterday that they told me i'm apparently supposed to be looking for a psychologist who can give me "neuropsychological testing" if i actually wanna figure out what's wrong with me, rather than just a psychiatrist. which is really cool, i'm super glad i spent the past year and a fucking half writhing around in suicidal ideation trying to figure out what's wrong with me and asking like four different doctors to help me evaluate what's wrong with me only to find out i was using the wrong goddamn search terms and not a single one of those irresponsible motherfuckers ever took a moment to inform me of what i should actually be looking for.

which is to say: america's healthcare industry literally makes me want to smash my own furniture to pieces in rage, half the people you're going to talk to are morons, and even the smart people you talk to are still going to say or do stupid things that do you more harm than good. but this does NOT mean you're better off without them, it just means you need to develop the skill to recognize when you know better than a professional so you can stand up for yourself (without overstepping your boundaries and ignoring all their actual good advice).