#i say this as someone who was at the psychiatrist yesterday

[iforgotmyariginalaccountpassword]

Do you love the colour of the ad?

What just happened to me? If any of you have seen this please tell me. I refuse to suffer alone. I was scrolling for 5 minutes.

Click on the images at your own risk and I will pray to a God I don't believe in none of you suffer this same ad.

What the fuck

[zorrasucia]

what i need

Reader x Carmy Berzatto (The Bear FX)

Rating: Explicit (3k)

Tags: Roommate Reader, Smut, Porn with a little plot, S1 Richie Shenanigans, Viagra (Sex Pollen vibes), Masturbation, Tiny bit of Voyeurism, P in V Sex, Both Carmy and Reader have a bit of a praise kink

"You do know you could literally go to prison for this?" you said in the most threatening tone you could muster. "Well, no, I'm not a fucking lawyer but that's not the point... You know what, I have to see if Carmy is alright, I'll deal with your bullshit later."

You hung up on Richie, exhausted.

It had been a crazy half an hour.

You had gotten home and found Carmy making himself a PB and J sandwich. When he watched you come in, without a word, he grabbed another plate to make you one. You climbed on the counter and watched him work in comfortable silence, enjoying the fact that he was back from work early. Everything was normal, good even, until he suddenly got red in the face and then pale, he excused himself and locked the bathroom door. He had stayed there for fifteen minutes, the sandwiches half finished on the counter.

You knocked on the door with worry.

"Carmy, you okay?"

"Not really. I don't feel well."

"Is it the flu?" you remembered him mentioning that a couple of chefs had called in sick a few days ago.

"I think it's this," Carmy said.

He opened the door an inch and handed you a bottle of the prescribed antidepressants he had started taking a few months ago. A quick Google search showed you the pill shape was slightly off.

"You refilled this recently?"

"Yesterday."

Your hands started shaking nervously.

"Fuck. I think they gave you the wrong meds, Carm."

You frantically called Nat but she didn't answer. Then you called Richie, who didn't seem worried at all.

"It was a prank, okay? He was getting on my nerves - everybody's nerves to be honest."

"What the fuck did you change his pills for?" you asked, furious. "Do I need to call an ambulance?"

"Relax, he'll be fine," he said. "It's some off brand Viagra shit I found on the internet."

You rolled your eyes. "Very mature of you."

"It'll turn him down a notch. Maybe he'll even get some," Richie added with a laugh.

"Fuck you. You know how hard it was to convince him to take meds for his depression in the first place?" you spat.

"Like pulling teeth, I imagine."

It had taken you, Nat, Sydney, and his psychiatrist weeks to talk him into it.

"Exactly. Fuck you."

After you ripped Richie a new one, you walked to the bathroom and knocked gently.

"So... Richie says it should pass in a couple of hours, Carm. Are you okay? Are you in pain or something?"

"I'm fine," he said, his voice strained.

You leaned against the door, wringing your hands. "I could call someone. If you want."

"Someone?"

Now was not the time to think about your budding crush on Carmy, it was about helping him.

"A girlfriend. Or boyfriend. A, uh, trusted escort. I don't know," you covered your face embarrassed.

Carmy let out a chuckle. "No. I don't have anyone like that."

"Want me to leave? Give you some privacy to deal with it?"

"No! I mean... It's fucking late, and this is your place too..."

"Well, you could at least go to your bedroom. I know what's going on, there's no need to be embarrassed, Carm."

"Okay. Just, uh, don't look please."

"Okay."

You turned around, resolutely looking at the wall. Then, you heard him walk briskly to his bedroom and slam the door shut.

Half an hour passed and despite your best efforts you were still worried sick about Carmy. You had fallen down a rabbit hole while researching for side effects of counterfeit Viagra. You texted him.

feeling any better? not really but not worse? no ok ok. let me know if there's anything i can do ...

The three dots flashed insistently for a few moments like he was writing something then deleting it all, over and over.

i'm ok. don't worry

You finished making the sandwiches and grabbed yours, eating in silence, tired. Then, you got ready for bed, going through your routine and trying to be normal about this whole thing.

Intellectually knowing Carmy had a cock and actively knowing about his out of control, hour-long erection were two very different things. Especially with your own complicated feelings about him. It took everything in you not to ogle him daily with his tight t-shirts and his pretty hair, with his tattoos and his blue eyes. It took everything in you not to zone out looking at his calloused hands wondering how they would feel on your skin. You knew that his life was The Beef, keeping that thing afloat, that was the whole reason he had reluctantly decided to get a roommate. Still you couldn't help but wonder...

You weren't trying to spy on him but your bedrooms shared a wall and he wasn't exactly being discreet. You could hear him groan and whine, muffled by the wall and his hand or maybe his forearm... The sight that thought conjured was delicious and sinful: Carmy with no shirt on, jeans half undone, skin sweaty, one hand on his cock and the other on his mouth to keep quiet while he touched himself. What if he was making those noises for you instead, because you were making him feel that good? The thought made you warm all over, your thighs brushing against each other absentmindedly. Carmy's sounds grew a little louder and more desperate until you couldn't stop your hand from going inside your underwear to relieve some of that pent up tension, your fingers unconsciously following the rhythm of his groans, getting quicker.

In any other circumstances, you would have been more careful, more quiet, but you could hear him so clearly - really, how could he hear anything other than his own ragged breaths? You couldn't help the moan that burst from your throat and sounded across the room.

Immediately, Carmy went quiet.

You could feel your blood rushing to your face, mortified that he had heard you. He probably thought you were a pervert or that you were making fun of him. You waited in expectant silence for a little while until you couldn't bear it anymore.

You got up and walked to his door and knocked.

"Carm?"

He didn’t respond. You would have actually preferred that he berated you for not respecting his privacy than getting the silent treatment. Fuck.

"Carmy? I'm sorry... I wasn't making fun of you or anything. I'm just stupid and horny, and I have this stupid big crush on you. I know that's not an excuse-"

You were interrupted by him cracking the door open, just enough that you could see one of his eyes and a portion of his nose.

"What did you say?"

"That I'm horny and stupid," you repeated apologetically.

"No, the other bit," he said, his voice soft.

"That I have a crush on you?"

"Yeah, that bit," he cleared his throat. "Is that true?"

"Yeah," you said quietly.

He nodded, taking a moment to process. "I, uh, I like you. A lot," he emphasized. "I didn't realize how much until today, I guess."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, that I got hard just from watching you sitting on the counter," he said plainly.

"But that's the- No, that's because of what Richie gave you, right?" you reasoned.

"Doesn't work like that," he shook his head. "The guy needs to be, uh, excited for anything to happen. I took that thing while I was still at work."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

You stood awkwardly, biting your lip.

"What's exciting about me sitting on the counter?" you asked finally.

Carmy chuckled. "That's your question?"

"Yeah."

"The way your thighs look, I guess. And I imagined what it would be like to fuck you there," he said, and then as if realizing he was being crass he added: "Sorry."

"No, don't be," you shook your head. "It would be very hypocritical of me to get upset about that when I've imagined you fucking me in the bathroom."

"In front of the mirror?" he asked with the hint of a smile.

"Obviously," you grinned. After a moment of semi-comfortable silence you asked: "Do you still need help with your, uh, situation?"

He blushed. "It's pretty bad."

"Let me try?"

"Alright."

Carmy moved from the door, letting you walk inside and see him. He was shirtless, like you had imagined, though his cock had been stuffed inside his jeans to answer the door. You walked a few steps until he was right in front of you, you cupped his face gently and kissed him. He melted into it, tilting his head and bringing you close, letting you set the pace but showing how eager he was. You buried your hands in his curls, messy from a whole day in the kitchen and half an hour of lying in bed desperately trying to cum.

You removed his jeans, slow, giving gentle caresses to his cock.

"Fuck," Carmy whined into your mouth.

"Sensitive?"

"Like a fucking live wire," he said.

"Let's make the most of it, yeah?"

Carmy nodded eagerly, helping you out of the sweatshirt you wore to bed.

"Knew you didn't wear a bra under this," he rasped.

"I hoped you'd notice," you admitted, stepping out of your shorts, the two of you finally naked. "Wanted you to see."

"I did. I do."

You traced figures on his chest and arms with your fingernail, following the lines of ink; he held you by the waist, his thumbs ghosting the side of your breasts.

"What do you like?" you asked.

"Hmm?"

"In bed. What do you like?"

"I don't fucking know, to be honest. I’ve only ever had quickies in the bathroom of a restaurant and shit like that," he mumbled.

"Blowing off steam."

"Exactly, yeah."

"We could do that," you offered, "that feels kind of urgent," you gestured at his cock, leaking precum.

"I don't want that," Carmy mumbled. "Want to enjoy this."

"Okay," you agreed, a little selfishly, biting your lip.

You pushed him gently towards the bed, until he was sitting. He opened his legs to bring you closer, burying his face between your breasts, kneading your ass.

"This is still supposed to be about you," you protested, your voice was high and needy as he started sucking on your nipples.

"Yeah, exactly..." he nodded, his nose tracing subtle patterns on your sternum as he kissed your skin. You hummed in delight, massaging his scalp and the back of his neck. "I've been thinking about this for weeks - about how soft your skin must be here," he kissed the swell of your breast, "what it would taste like," and he licked your nipple.

"Fuck..." you were overwhelmed with want, goosebumps covering your skin. "Anything else you've been thinking about?" you asked - half of you wanted to keep on being worshipped slowly and the other half wanted to be fucked thoroughly as soon as possible.

"Mmm..." Carmy's exhale tickled you in the best way. "I've been thinking about the sounds you'd make."

"I gave you a preview, I think," you said, blushing again.

"I want the whole thing," he rasped, manhandling you to straddle his lap, leaving his hard cock well within your reach.

"I've been thinking about how you sound too," you said, your hand holding his length loosely.

"Fuck. Don't tease. You'll kill me," he groaned, low, deep from his chest.

"Condoms?" you prompted, getting up.

"Bedside table, second drawer."

You returned quickly.

"You sure?" he confirmed before opening the wrapper.

"So fucking sure," you replied, leaning to kiss him hard, all tongue and lust, swaying back onto his lap. "I need it."

"It?" he arched an eyebrow, teasing your entrance with the head of his cock, spreading arousal all over your pussy.

"You," your voice was breathy. "Need you."

And you lowered yourself on him, slow, gasping when you bottomed out.

"You okay?" he asked, breathing hard but staying perfectly still underneath you.

"Yeah, give me a second."

You squeezed your eyes shut and swayed your hips lightly.

"Should have prepped you," he apologized, kissing the side of your face.

And you relished the thought, his calloused fingers curling inside you, making you writhe impatiently... Would he suck his fingers afterwards and taste you?

"Next time," you said, the thought made your stomach flutter.

With your knees on the mattress and your hands on Carmy's shoulders, you started riding him, bouncing on his cock, feeling how snug he fit inside you. His head was thrown back, his throaty groans made you shiver with pleasure.

"Fuck," he cursed.

"Good?" you asked.

"So fucking good, so fucking good," he managed, his lips touching your skin. You ate up his praise, his hard exhales on your shoulder, his groans with each downward stroke, his hoarse voice as he said: "Making me feel so good, you have no idea, I'm losing my fucking mind..."

And all you could do was just moan and whimper, louder now that you knew how much he wanted to hear it.

"Sound so nice," he growled.

You could feel the tension building between you, your thighs trembling and unable to keep the pace much longer.

"That's it. Fuck," he growled, talking you through your peak. "I can feel it. Jesus..."

"Carmy..."

You moaned his name, your hips stuttering and then stopping. You melted in his arms and he held you upright. When you regained your senses you realized he was still rock hard inside you.

"What the fuck?" you slurred. "Nothing?"

He shook his head and leaned to kiss your cheek, your jaw, your neck... "Would you- is it okay if we go again?"

"Mhmm," you hummed, running your hands through his hair. Then, after a moment too long of him staring at you in wonder you said: "Please."

"What do you want?" his voice was still that gravelly sound that gave you butterflies.

"Anything, you can do anything you want to me."

"Fuck..."

He grabbed you and, like you weighed nothing, moved you to lie on the bed exactly how he wanted: legs wide open and a pillow underneath your hips. He caged you with his arms and you caressed them.

"So strong," you blurted in your fucked out state.

He leaned in to kiss you hard, hungry, desperate. His cock rubbed the outside of your pussy, making you moan into his mouth. It was dirty and urgent and you couldn't get enough of it. You spread your legs wider still and held him tight, squeezing the muscles of his back.

"I'm gonna go harder," he warned you. "Tell me if it's too much?"

You nodded, eyes half lidded. "I want that. I want it hard," you heard yourself say.

After how loving he had been you were curious about how it would feel when he let go, how those quickies in the bathroom were like. And he seemed desperate to cum.

"Shit, okay," he mumbled, maneuvering one of your thighs over his hip, burying his cock inside you in one swift motion. You let out a soft moan, your fingernails digging into his skin as he gave you one forceful thrust. You rolled your eyes, that first hit making you see stars.

"Fuck."

At first, he seemed focused on how deep he could go, on making you feel every inch inside of you, a sharp movement punctuating every thrust - hard enough to shake the mattress underneath you.

You looked downward, at his cock going in and out torturously slow, the way his abs flexed, the hair on his lower stomach...

"Fuck. Carmy. Oh, my God," you whined needily.

"Okay?" he asked, panting, keeping that rhythm steady.

"So okay," your voice was barely a whisper but he was close enough to hear it. "Keep going."

He nodded. His hips moved with the same force but faster now. You had to squeeze your eyes shut, it was all too much, too good. Whimpers we're leaving your lips with every movement, you couldn't tell if the bed was squeaking or if it was you losing control. Maybe it was both.

"Think I'm coming again," you said, almost apologetically. "Fuck me through it. I can take it."

"You can't say shit like that," Carmy growled, his exhale tickling your lips.

"Ah! I can say whatever the fuck I want," you sassed, trying to delay your peak even as you felt yourself flutter around Carmy's cock. "I can't. Fuck."

He obeyed you and kept going as you cried and cursed, legs shaking around his waist, tears falling from the corners of your eyes. You grew even more pliant under him, pathetic little sounds leaving your lips as you saw white, feeling warm all over.

"I have never- Fuck. So good, so good," you babbled nonsense, as the pleasure turned into numbness then pleasure again.

Carmy was breathing hard on top of you, his golden chain dangling invitingly. Without really knowing why, you took it between your lips and tugged on it.

"Holy shit," he groaned, his cock twitching inside of you.

You let go of his chain to ask: "Getting close? What do you need, baby?"

"Talk me through it, please," he begged. And you moved to caress the nape of his neck comfortingly.

"You're making me feel so good, Carm. I have thought about this, fingered myself thinking of you like this," he whimpered and you smiled sympathetically - he needed this. "You feel so perfect inside me, so good. Fuck."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I want to do so many things with you. I want your fingers inside my pussy. I want you to fuck me on the counter and in the bathroom. I want to sit on your face," you kept going, watching his eyes widen as you did.

"Fuck. Shit. Yes," he said, voice high, eyes rolled back, his cock twitched again and you gasped.

"Be good and cum for me, Carm," you caressed the side of his face. "Be a good boy and cum for me."

"Jesus fucking Christ. Fuuuuuck," he groaned loud, a few erratic thrusts making you curl your toes with pleasure. Then he collapsed on top of you. He was heavy and sweaty, breathing hard - completely perfect. You wanted to stay there forever, his cock softening inside you, your hand caressing his hair.

"Fuck, give me a minute - I'm crushing you," he slurred into the skin of your neck.

"Shhh," you soothed. "You're okay."

He exhaled, truly relaxed for the first time since you met him. He kissed your skin, a path down to your shoulder and he finally got up, rolling to his side, face squished against the pillow.

"Fuck. I'm sorry about all this," he said, eyes soft and tired. "I never wanted you to feel obligated-"

"No," you shook your head emphatically and reached for his wrist. "If anything I feel like I kind of forced you to-"

"I didn't want anyone else," he interrupted you.

You leaned to kiss him, tenderly this time.

"Then, you don't have to apologize," you said. "I meant it - about wanting to do all of it even before this."

Carmy smiled sweetly. "Can I thank you then?"

"Yes," you giggled.

He sat up, exhausted as he was, and knelt between your legs. Carefully, he caressed your sensitive pussy. You whined at the feeling.

"Too much?" he asked, his forehead wrinkled with worry.

"Just a little," you probably wouldn't be able to walk upright to the bathroom but you were fine, more than fine. "Don't do anything crazy. We can save that for later," you added shyly.

"Don't worry. I'll be careful," he said.

He leaned in and pressed one single kiss to your pussy, soaked in your release - the gentle feeling made you shiver.

"Thank you," he said, his blue eyes piercing yours.

You reached for his face, caressing his cheek. "You're very welcome, Carmy."

[copperbadge]

how did u psych urself up to go to therapy? my executive function has been awol for like 2 years and it's gotten to the point where it's wrecking my ability to do anything. i'm scared to waste a bunch of time and money going and getting told i'm just lazy or that the problem is just me

Happy to talk about that! But this is really two issues, so I gotta do a fly-by real first on "scared of getting told I'm just lazy". :D

It sounds to me like you're aware intellectually that laziness isn't the issue. You know this is an executive function issue and not a personal flaw, but I definitely get that it's hard to internalize that. So I'm going to drop links here to some discussion of "laziness":

How do you know you're not just lazy? (ask sent to me -- it's long, but you can skim for the laziness bits if you want.)

Lack of motivation means you are avoiding pain (second ask in response to the first)

Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price

These are essentially my proofs when I want to remind you that laziness is a label that stigmatizes an innate behavior -- inability to act is real, laziness is not. If a therapist tells you that you are lazy, and ESPECIALLY that you are the problem, you should fire that therapist. Don't even stay the rest of the session if you don't want to, just say "I see we are not compatible," and bounce. I don't think the odds are high that you'll encounter that, but on the off-chance that you do, that's a bright neon sign that they're a bad therapist.

In fact I would open with that pitch: "I'm struggling with executive function and the self-perception that I'm really just lazy. I need help with the actual executive function issues but also with how I view myself because of them." The therapist's response will tell you a lot about whether they'd be a good fit.

So with that out of the way...

I eased myself into therapy with the speed of a small child entering an extremely cold lake. It helped a lot that all of my therapy has been virtual via Zoom, so a lot of stuff that would have been a barrier, like going to the physical appointments, discomfort in a strange space, etc. were swept away.

I didn't even want to see a psychiatrist for my Adderall prescription, but I knew I needed help and medication seemed to be my best option, so with the assurances of several people that it wasn't therapy so much as mental health maintenance, I saw a psychiatrist. And he was lovely! (I just met with him yesterday to go over my next few months of scrip.) For a while that was all I did: talked every month to a kind person who asked specific and measurable questions about my mental health -- mood, sleep patterns, ability to work, hobbies -- without getting especially personal. I thought, okay, I can handle this, I can probably handle more, so I asked him for a recommendation for a therapist.

He looked at the network of independent practitioners he belonged to (Clarity Clinic Chicago, if you want an example of a good network) and found me a couple of options. I got extremely lucky to find someone I felt was appropriate for me right out of the gate, though some of that was also knowing what criteria I had: I wanted someone who explicitly stated they specialized in adult ADHD and disability, and who seemed like they were interested in addressing a whole person and not a single issue. When we met she seemed nice, wasn't pushy or judgey, was familiar with spoon theory and disability activism because she also has ADHD, and didn't blink (or ask overly invasive questions) when I said I was very uneasy about therapy because of past experience. She was comfortable with the ambiguity I brought -- I basically said "Look, I think this is something I need but I'm not entirely sure what my goals are yet, it's just I only recently found out I have ADHD and I am rethinking a lot of stuff," and she was like fine, let's rethink it together.

It still took me a long time to start talking about anything meaningful, but she handled the non-meaningful stuff as if it was serious and important, which helped. Admittedly I have really good insurance so I pay $20 a session for therapy, which also helps; it's pretty negligible in terms of health costs for me. I can afford to dawdle.

So, all that said...my path may not be an option for you, but I think it indicates the kinds of options you have. You don't have to jump into serious and heavily emotional processing first thing if you don't want to. You can shop around for therapists and you can drop any bad ones you encounter speedily, or if you find one you immediately like you can still spend time getting comfortable before dropping into the heavier stuff.

I would suggest that if you have a prescribing psych or doctor for any kind of mental health meds, ask them if they have a recommendation. If you don't have that, ask around people you know or believe have access to therapy and see what they think. If those aren't available to you or you're uncomfortable with that, I'd do a search for licensed therapist and your health insurance, or see if your workplace has an employee assistance program that can recommend you someone.

Good luck! I hope you get what you need. Lord knows I've been there.

[potatowithahat]

A doctor's notepad

A sdv Harvey fic

Winter 28th year 0

       Well I guess this is a thing. My psychiatrist in Zuzu city recommended keeping a journal to help with anxiety and loneliness. I guess I'll uh… see how this thing works out. It will probably be pretty short entries though. I'm a busy man after all. Why am I writing this like someone's expecting to read them? This is silly. I'm going to bed

                                              -Harvey, the doctor 

Spring 1, year 1

       Well Luis tells me there's a new farmer in town! Good for business,  I suppose. I need the extra money. And frankly that farm was a hazard either way. I can't even count anymore the amount of scrapes and bruises Jaz and Vincent have come in with from playing out there. Its practically part of the forest now. Whoever they are is going to have a hell of a time cleaning that mess up.

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Spring 7, year 1

       I guess I spoke too soon about that old farm. Seems the farmers got it fixed up nice enough. I was at Pierre's for groceries Friday and I overheard Pierre talking about how they've been buying lots of seeds. Then, when I went to the museum yesterday I found they have made a deal with Gunther to donate artifacts! I saw them on the way home but they walked passed me with there head down. I think they might be a bit shy. 

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Spring 8, Year 1

       The Farmer came in and brought me coffee this morning!!!! They apologized for being rude yesterday and said it was a good will gift. I told them it was no problem,  and how much I appreciated the coffee.  They just nodded and headed off, citing some chores they had back at the farm. They were very nice about it. I felt like they were in a hurry to leave though. 

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Spring 9, year 1

       The Farmer brought me another coffee today! I think Maru might have told her I liked it. Or maybe they still feel bad? I'm not quite sure. They just walked up to my desk, sat the coffee down and quickly walked out. It felt a little odd. Other then that George has a cough. I need to talk about it with him.

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Spring 13, year 1

The Farmers been bringing me coffee ever since the seventh. They're very quiet about it though, just setting it on my desk. I'm still not used to it. They sought me out at the egg Festival today however!!!! She was telling me how much they loved dieing and searching for eggs as a kid.  They got so animated about it but stopped themselves and apologized. They walked away before I could say how much I was enjoying the conversation. I'll have to talk to them later.

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Spring 24, year 1

       I almost asked the farmer to dance with me. Almost. I couldn't go through with it though. I didn't have the Nerve and I mean.. who am I to ask? I'm just the town doctor. I think she asked Shane,  but he must have turned her down because he was still dancing with Penny. I stayed with Maru,  as always. We had a good time. Couldn't help but notice the farmer glancing over at me now and then. Or maybe it was just because I was so focused on them? Not sure 

                                              -Harvey, the doctor

Don't you fret, there will be more in the near future!!!

Thank you so much for reading

Edit: part two is live!! Find it here!

If you'd like to read more of my stories, feel free to visit my Ao3, or check out my masterlist here on tumblr!!!

As always I'm a little gremlin when it comes to writing so if you have any fic ideas please feel free to drop an ask!!!!

Also I'd love to thank @minnieplier-blog for the idea from there lovely ask!!!!

[heartstringsduet]

dearest Michelle 🪐 📚🦷🌿 please

Dearest D, 🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now ugh it's been a week but: I can sit on my balcony again and write in the sun. I'm creative in new ways and made a little clay wiener dog today. I'm blessed with good friends, a roof over my head and I'm mostly healthy. woah more than three, someone stop her 📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app?  LOL. A list of things I wanted to say at my psychiatrist office on what I needed help with, because I tend to not be able to express that...guess who didn't again. 🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on What helps me sometimes is to imagine me in the vast universe, in the history of Earth. A microscobic dot. Because I feel so huge some days. Like all I am is my unhealthy thoughts. But then I zoom out not to think: see other people have it worse!! You ungrateful bitch. But to think. oh. Maybe it doesn't matter if I cancel plans with a friend because I feel sad. Maybe I should take a week off to take care of my mental health even if it inconveniences people. Maybe the mistake I made today is really irrelevant. Maybe it matters most that I'm here and I share the love I have with my friends and family. Maybe writing fic is irrelevant, but so is everything so I might as well enjoy my time the way I want. You are huge. You are tiny. It's all a matter of perspective and finding the one that will make it all feel a bit better. 🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity Just answered this but here is more. Dare to go through your wip fics. Read it. Don't allow sadness about not working on it to be bigger than the joy of reading exaaactly what you want to read. You made that. Maybe start by changing a word here and there. Maybe do a timed challenge. 5 minutes. 5 minutes to finish the scene you most want to work on. One word is more than you had yesterday. You don't need to return to a former you who wrote xyz amount. You should go and play with words, and it doesn't always have to be new ones, when editing is also engaging with words. And maybe even publish a half-finished fic and see if it gives you motivation in seeing that people read it to write more. But that is just an idea. You wrote before, but you don't have to measure up to that. you have to be proud of what you already done and be curious what else can be.

[blubushie]

On a note with all this talk, how do you reach out to find out about BPD or any of those without seeming like those “omg I am SO mentally ill 😖😖😖😖😖😖😖” folks?

Like, i am so run down and i feel like something is wrong because I have talked to peers and to make a very long list of observations short, i react ‘wrong’ to situations and stuff (it’s a bit hard to explain, it’s just a long list of me thinking something is totally normal and people going “um.. no??”)

But doctors notoriously don’t listen if you have an idea what is wrong and blame it on it being ‘trendy’

Do you have any tips on how to just, get started on getting help?

Is it even worth it to get help too? I heard that getting a diagnosis can ruin many things in life?

Get a therapist/psychiatrist that can diagnose you. So like a legally licenced psych with the ability to diagnose.

Do NOT approach the topic of diagnosis. Just list out some symptoms you struggle with. List the ones that affect you most and do not list all of them.

Establish rapport. This will take a few months.

Start adding the other symptoms you struggle with other time. Make it look natural like you're opening up to them about things that bother you.

When they start noticing patterns, act like it's a revelation and you have no idea what they're talking about. Don't deny it. Just act surprised. Act like you don't know what the patterns are. BPD? You've never heard of it. "Isn't that bipolar?" kinda shit.

End up diagnosed with the disorder you knew you had from the start.

Do that and your doctor will feel like they're solving some puzzle instead of feeling like you're stepping on their toes and diagnosing yourself. I say this as someone who doesn't like mental illness self-dxers. 9/10 times the diagnosis isn't right and they're just contributing to stigma. Especially since a lot of times the actual problem is something you'd never know existed or had a name because it's not popular enough in laymen's terms for you to even know about (such as AABS we discussed yesterday).

Hell, you might not even have BPD. It might be something entirely different that the doctor is able to figure out and help you with. Don't go in there convinced of you having anything. Don't mention the name of anything you think you might have. Don't rattle off symptoms like you read them on Google or out of the DSM-5.

Also no doctor is gonna diagnose you after meeting you once. It takes years to get a diagnosis because most of the time when people think they have a mental illness like a Cluster B it's actually just individual symptoms presenting in a single person that makes it LOOK like a Cluster B, but the truth is that with therapy most of the time the symptoms go away and what the person actually has is trauma, trauma responses, and maybe some anxiety and/or another mental illness. (For example, I knew a guy who was convinced he had SzPD. Turns out he didn't, he was schizophrenic and autistic and didn't realise he was experiencing psychotic episodes. His schizophrenia and autism presented much similar to SzPD but mostly rectified once he was put on antipsychotics as an experiment to rule out schizophrenia.) Aka, you're fixable with therapy and/or medication. Cluster Bs are chronic, permanent conditions, so doctors won't diagnose them until they've worked with you for an extended period of time and it's made clear that whatever is going on with you is not fixable, is in fact chronic, and it's just the symptoms of a different disorder or illness.

I recognise that I am an outlier with APSD. I was diagnosed just weeks after my 18th birthday. But I was diagnosed with conduct disorder at 14 after a year of therapy, and then I was in therapy for four more years to try and fix it. By the time I turned 18 it was evident the condition was chronic, wasn't going to be remedied with therapy, and so I was diagnosed with ASPD at that point.

So expect anywhere from 2-3 years of therapy before you get a diagnosis, or longer if you're a minor. BPD has no age requirement by the DSM-5 but most psychs won't diagnose in people younger than 18 unless they're very close to being 18 (as in only months away).

As for getting help: yeah do it. I don't think there's a person on this planet that WOULDN'T benefit from some form of therapy. Best case scenario, you don't have BPD and therapy helps remedy what ails you. Worst case scenario, you have BPD, get a diagnosis, and in the meantime therapy helps you learn the tools you need to manage your BPD symptoms (and possibly also gives you some medications that can help with certain symptoms of it). Basically there's no losing here. Find a therapist, it'll benefit you in the long run with or without a diagnosis.

I'll say that the only negative effects a diagnosis has had on me is that I can't adopt children in my home country (this is specifically an ASPD risk factor thing, I don't think BPD has this issue), it's hard for me to buy weapons because I'm a risk factor, and the stigma that comes with my disorder. But the stigma is easily remedied by just not telling people I have ASPD. No one I know will find out unless I tell them. It's not a threat to employment or anything like that.

[auroraescritora]

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME - PERCY/NICO AU HIGH SCHOOL - CHAPTER XX

I hope you enjoy it.

CHAPTER I / CHAPTER II / CHAPTER III / CHAPTER IV / CHAPTER V / CHAPTER VI / CHAPTER VII / CHAPTER VIII / CHAPTER IX / CHAPTER X / CHAPTER XI / CHAPTER XII / CHAPTER XIII / CHAPTER XIV / CHAPTER XV / CHAPTER XVI / CHAPTER XVII / CHAPTER XVIII / CHAPTER XIX

Percy felt like he had gone back in time. He remembered as if it were yesterday, the long, tortuous days and the whispers wherever he went; the desire to disappear was also there, the disconnection with reality, as if no one could break his bubble of self-blame and depression, feeling the emptiness that hit him when he least expected it; the feeling of inadequacy telling him that he would always be that lonely, violent boy who didn't deserve what he had or the love of others. In the end, no matter how detached he felt from reality and how unprepared to deal with life, time waited for no one. When Percy blinked, they were already at the end of first quarter of the year, which brought him to that verymoment, barely able to focus on what was right in front of his face. A surprise test, a piece of paper that would tell him if he had a chance of passing the first assessments or not.

"Per?" Nico whispered beside him, still writing. "You didn't study at all, did you?" 

Could anyone blame him? The guilt was still eating at him up inside, paralyzing him, fighting against the urge to do exactly the opposite of what his conscience was asking him to do. Nico being around him twenty-four hours a day wasn't helping, making him want to break that bubble of anguish and, at the same time, tempted to stay exactly where he was just so he wouldn't have to make a decision. Percy still woke up in the middle of the night tense and without remembering why, forced to get out of bed to calm down or get some fresh air on his face. Because he had to--

"Don't worry, we'll figure it out." Nico touched his shoulder and showed him one of the sweetest smiles he had ever seen, making Percy relax immediately, feeling like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. He watched Nico pick up both of his answer sheets, walk over to the teacher and hand them to him, who smiled charmingly at Nico.

No, he wasn't going to go down that path. That was why Percy had gotten himself into such trouble. He was committed, he would be a better person even if he died trying. So, Percy put his things in the bag and took a deep breath, counting to thirty.

1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7--

“Let’s go?”

Percy looked up and there was Nico, sweet and smiling, holding out his hands to him. The fear of worrying Nico was the only thing keeping him on his feet at the moment, if someone gave him a nudge Percy would crumble immediately; he couldn't accept the fact that... that in the end he was the monster people accused him of being. Feeling on automatic mode, Percy picked up their bags and held the hand Nico offered to him, barely missing the disappointed expression on the teacher's face.

Usually Percy liked this class and it wouldn't need much to get a high mark, but what could he do if his obsession was right in front of him, wanting his attention all the time? The bad thing was knowing he would sink into this obsession if the world around them didn't remind him of what a mistake this would be. Sometimes, Percy asked himself if what he felt was love or was just a codependency, a crutch to help him deal with the problems and traumas that not even the best psychiatrist could fix.

“Is everything okay? Do you need a break?”

They had become masters at creating barriers that weren’t there before, useless and cruel barriers that only served to hurt both of them.

If Percy were honest, he would say it’s exactly what he needed, although it wouldn’t make anything better. The longing would only increase, the pain in his chest would spread and that bad feeling in his stomach would grow stronger, making him act impulsively. Basketball practice would be a good excuse for his issues if the coach hadn’t banned him from practicing until he could focus on the game.

“Do you want to come with me to band practice? We’re going to play at the dance.”

Gently, Nico held his arm with both hands and kissed his cheek, making Percy forget about his inner demons for a brief moment, warming the emptiness in his body. “Come on, it'll be nice. You can join in if you want.”

“I didn't bring my guitar.”

“The teacher can lend it to you.”

“I don't know…” After all, there was a reason he didn't join in the group practice.

“I've been thinking about what you said... that I don't have many hobbies. You were right.”

“Was I?” It’s good to know he’d done something good.

“In Verona, I went out with my friends, drew, played and sang, wrote and cooked every day with my grandmother and cousins. I just... I feel like I don't need to do all those things when I'm with you. Now I understand the problem with that. You are doing the same.”

Well, that was exactly the problem. They were an obsessive, compulsive couple who were obsessed with each other. It was hard to see the rest of the world when the person he loved the most was so close, but for that reason it was so wrong to want those things. His desires became so intense that everything ended up being somewhat toxic.

Percy wanted to say all of this to Nico, but if he did, it would only encourage him to stay with him in this intense and traumatic bubble they had created.

“I’m glad you understand.”

“That’s exactly why I want to show you something. Will you come with me?”

He would do anything Nico asked.

Luckily, Nico was too kind to demand anything of him, or that was usually the case. So when Nico asked, Percy would be happy to oblige. He took Nico’s hand once more and they headed towards the music department, letting Nico lead him for the first time in his life. Maybe it would be a good change for them.

***

“Nico, where have you been these days? We couldn’t find you anywhere!”

Percy now remembered why he didn’t like coming to band practice. Because the one who had gotten up and ran towards them was Lou Ellen, the most fervent defender of the defenseless and oppressed, and according to her, Percy was one of those who oppressed other people.

Lou stopped in front of them and crossed her arms, looking him up and down. Percy chose to pretend he hadn't seen her, this was another ex-member of his fan club. 

Percy may or may not have gotten involved with her, he may or may not have used her and then thrown her away. It wasn't his fault if people put expectations on him when Percy didn’t promised anything, not even love or friendship. In the end, people believed what they wanted, but he wouldn't be the one to stroke their ego.

"I get it. Why did you bring that psychopath here?" She mumbled, as if she had eaten something sour, and turned to Nico. "Nico! We're late. Did you get the song?"

"Better yet, I wrote one." Nico, like the angel he was, ignored what she had said and held his hand tightly; Nico knew very well what Percy really wanted to be doing.

Instantly, Lou Ellen's face transformed in the blink of an eye, from frowning to glowing.

"Perfect! Are you going to show us?”

Lou hadn't given Nico time to answer, she pulled him along and Percy had no choice but to follow them into the music auditorium where less than ten teenagers were waiting. He remembered at some point in the past being among them, he must have been what? Twelve years old? But since music had always been something Nico liked, Percy choose to focus on other things, like sports, something that could give him a better future.

Percy didn't say anything or greet anyone, he followed Nico to the center of the stage and watched from afar. Nico picked up a guitar provided by the school and sat down on the floor, where the other people approached and sat around Nico, looking at him with admiration and something else he would rather not question. Honestly? Percy couldn't blame them, Nico looked even more handsome with a guitar on his lap and that look of contemplation as he strummed a few notes on the guitar strings, his sweet and velvety voice coming right after, echoing through the room, words and notes that Percy didn't recognize, but he also didn't make an effort to pay attention to their meanings, letting the music surround him like a sweet caress that insisted on flowing through him only to leave him throbbing and wanting more. 

He couldn't resist, Percy put their bags in a corner and got close to Nico, sitting directly next to him, placing one of his hands on Nico's back. 

Nico merely turned his face towards him and continued singing, perhaps in a slightly lower tone, a little more intimate, as if those words were meant for him and no one else. Nico smiled, then, calmly, and finally when the song reached its end, the sound of the guitar echoed for a few more moments, waking him up with its ending

Looking only at him, Nico asked in a low voice:

“Did you like it?”

“It was really good.” Because it was true. Even if he hadn’t paid attention to the words, the song itself spoke enough. “What’s it called?”

“There’s no place like home.”

The people around him applauded, stealing Nico’s attention, who thanked them, making something inside Percy rage. Who did they think they were!?

“Nico, we recorded it. Is that okay?” Lou said from somewhere in the audience. “It's perfect. Can I share it with the others?”

“I… I put it online? Can I send in the chat group?” Nico said, feeling unsure. Of course, Percy thought, as if they would deny it when the people around seemed to love him.

“That’s great,” Lou said again, excitedly.

“Excellent, Nico. Thank you for sharing something so personal with us. Can we use it for an exercise?” Euterpe, the music teacher, congratulated him. When Nico nodded, she continued. “For the next class, I want you to create an arrangement for the band. Re-record the song and also bring suggestions for other songs to perform at the dance.”

With that, the auditorium exploded into activity, people organizing themselves into two or three groups while the two  remained where they were, leaning towards each other, with Nico still holding the guitar and Percy holding Nico's waist.

"Do you want to play?" 

Percy accepted the instrument when Nico offered it to him, although he hesitated for a moment. It had been a while since he had held a guitar, long enough to almost make him forget how to position his fingers. But as they say, there are things in life that we never forget and that’s what happened when the first note sounded, clean and firm on his fingers, the fingering exercises coming back with full force, making him remember the long hours in that same auditorium, one of the few things that kept him in touch with reality when Nico had left. One of the thousands of crutches he carried through life, but that kept him standing on his feet. 

Percy concentrated for a moment and let himself go, lowered his head and allowed himself to remember, felt his fingers fly over the strings and allowed a strange calm to take over him. And for long minutes that’s all he heard, his breathing and the sequence of fast notes, that is, until his sequence came to an end and he found himself embraced by Nico.

"That's beautiful. Why didn't you tell me you could play like that?" Nico said calmly, not as if he was demanding something but as if he had received a valuable gift.

"I was busy with basketball. And with the teenage drama." Well, Percy was never good at making jokes. So, he wasn't surprised by Nico's attitude, who just kissed his cheek and rested his head on his shoulder.

"Play some more. Everyone liked it.”

“Everyone?" Percy looked around the auditorium and saw that people were indeed watching him in silence without the usual mockery. And he could swear that there were more people in the room than before.

"What do you want to hear?" 

"A romantic ballad." 

That's what he did, the notes coming out slower and simpler. Imagine his surprise when he heard people singing along with Nico, clapping and swaying.

Well, what could he do? Maybe not everything needed to be drowned in drama and angst.

***

“Sorry.” Percy said, admitting defeat. Sometimes, he forgot that Nico couldn't guess what he was thinking and, if he wanted their relationship to work as it should, Nico wasn't the only one who needed to be honest.

“You didn't do anything wrong.”

A few days had passed, but that moment in the music room had stayed in his mind. Percy knew he had a tendency to get lost in his own thoughts, imagining how the whole world was against him, when in fact, no one cared e he shouldn’t either; gossip was fleeting, these things had no effect on his life and not everyone had something bad to say about him. Nico was the reminder of that, that he still had a family, friends and someone who would stand by his side unconditionally.

To repay all the effort Nico was making, Percy had sat next to Nico on the couch at home and hugged him tightly, pulling him onto his lap. He kissed him back, but not the innocent little kisses they had grown accustomed to over the past few weeks, but rather open mouths and tongues intertwining, hearing Nico moan, sprawled and surprised in his arms.

“What was that?” Nico gasped, still in his lap, holding onto his neck.

“Thank you for being patient.”

Nico blinked slowly at him, his cheeks flushed, breathing fast, an obvious bulge in his pants. Percy knew this was Nico trying to reason through the excitement that was suddenly invading his brain.

“You know I love you, don’t you?”

“I know.” Percy said, feeling truly content.

“Sex… it’s not important. You’re my best friend, my partner.”

“Nico.”

“I could go without sex for the rest of my life, but I never want to be without you. I can wait.”

“I’m sorry.” And Percy really was, especially seeing the frustration on Nico's angelic face, seeing that Nico was ready to beg at the slightest positive sign.

The truth is that celibacy was not for him. It was a torture every day that he didn't touch Nico, he was afraid that if he allowed himself to do what he wanted, he would go back to the same bad habits. Although Percy had been questioning himself if all of this was wrong or if it was all inside his head due to the guilt of not having paid more attention to what was happening with Nico.

“Enough. I don't want to see you like this. I don't want to hear that you're sorry and that you're going to change. I don't want you to change, I mean... you don't have to do all these things because of me.”

Nico was practically pouting now, angry, it was beautiful to watch as Nico tried to convey the seriousness in his words. Nico kept trying so hard to make sure he was okay that Percy felt like doing something crazy; it could be anything. What he really wanted to do was throw Nico on the bed and make him forget the worry written all over his face. Maybe he should? Just to see if he could control himself?

“I understand. I won’t apologize again.”

“You won’t?” Nico tilted his head to the side, like a confused puppy, and that made Percy smile. He grabbed Nico by the hair and kissed him once more, feeling Nico melt against his chest.

“You deserve a reward. Do you know why?”

“Why?” Nico moaned, shifting in his lap.

“Because good boys deserve the best things.”

“Am I…? A good boy?”

“The best.”

Percy felt like he was at a tasting in his favorite restaurant. He stared at Nico’s burning face for a moment and finally allowed himself to do what he wanted. Slowly, to see what Nico would do, he took his hand from Nico’s waist and brought it to the boy’s groin, touching him gently over his jeans. Like a flower, Nico spread his legs and moved his hands out of the way, looking up at where Percy's hands were going, moaning softly when Percy finally covered his member over his clothes.

"Is it okay if I do this?" Percy asked, stopping his movements.

"Yes, please." And then, as an afterthought, Nico said: "Thank you!"

"Hmm, good boy." 

Then, as he had promised, he opened the button on Nico's pants and lowered the zipper, seeing the small bulge over his underwear. Even more slowly, Percy massaged his member for a few moments and pulled it out of his underwear. He couldn't deny it, Nico was beautiful everywhere; his dark skin, his sweet voice, his soft body. Down there he was all of that too, the member that fit in his hand, the reddish and wet head right at the tip, the  thin, well-trimmed hair at the base. Percy felt like devouring him and would only stop when Nico came all over himself, in pleasure, on his hands, on his knees, surrendered at Percy's feet. 

But not today, today Percy would take everything as calmly as he could.

“Please!” Nico whimpered, tears welling up in his eyelashes.

Percy closed his eyes for a moment and focused on his breathing. It was that heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach that was taking over him again, that possessive, controlling voice telling him that if Nico was his and he was offering himself to him like this, Percy could do whatever he wanted.

"It's okay, baby," Percy murmured, barely recognizing his own voice as he heard Nico moan. He hesitated only a moment to pay attention to Nico's reaction.

Oh, his sweet Nico. He was staring at him with wide eyes, pleading, showing so much trust in him that Percy had to move. The hand that had been near Nico's groin finally found its way and wrapped around his throbbing member. He had almost forgotten the feeling of touching such an intimate place on someone else’s body. Percy tested the waters by holding around Nico and then brushing one of his fingers over the tip, collecting the pre-cum and bringing it down, fingering the length to wrap it around him completely again, applying a little pressure.

"Like this?" He asked.

Well, Nico didn't answer him exactly, but the way Nico was leaning against his chest, moaning shamelessly, should have been a good indication.

Suddenly, Percy felt curious. After so long he felt like he had forgotten the shape of Nico's body. He used his other hand and wrapped it around Nico's lower belly, caressing his belly. He moved up a little further and found his abdomen, his ribs and chest, touching the hard nipples, where he lingered for a few moments.

"Percy!" He heard Nico whimper, rubbing himself against him.

"I know. I'm torturing you."

Keeping Nico pinned against his chest, back against shoulders, Percy continued his exploration, going down and massaging between Nico's legs again.

"Could you... lower?" Then, Nico murmured, all docile and obedient.

"Here?" His curious fingers did as Nico asked, passing over Nico's testicles and finding Nico's entrance. A light touch told him what Nico wanted.

“Have you been having fun without me, hmm?”

“I didn't know if… when… ah!…”

Well, he was still curious. Slowly, Percy brushed one of his fingers around the entrance and soon Nico opened like a flower. And even dry, his finger entered, almost without resistance, going all the way in. Percy could bet that while he was trying to give Nico time to think, Nico was having fun without him.

“Is this what you did when I wasn't looking?”

Percy tried to put another finger in and surprising him, the finger entered almost without resistance again. Nico bent over in a way that seemed painful and screamed at the top of his lungs: “It's all your fault! I tried… I tried… it's not the same!”

Oh, that made him want… no! Not today. Today, he would settle for touching and watching, who knows, maybe in a few days Percy would feel strong enough to move forward. 

So, Percy did what Nico so desperately asked him to do. He watched Nico's member throb, without anything touching it, while he continued to massage Nico's insides, moving his fingers slowly around, opening them very delicately until he found the right place. Nico shuddered and moaned for a long time, arching his spine and like magic, he saw Nico expelling, jet after jet, Percy without having to touch anywhere else.

"I hate you!" Nico groaned as he finally collapsed against Percy's chest, an expression of exhaustion and ecstasy still etched on his features.

Well, Percy believed in Nico. Sometimes, he hated himself too, especially when he had to control himself like this.

"I love you too." Percy continued to hold Nico against his chest and only moved when he was sure that Nico would no longer hate him.

So, how was today's chapter? I'm trying to develop their D/s relationship in a way that feels natural. Percy may know a lot about the bdsm world, but knowing isn't the same as understanding or practicing. Like, there's something called domdrop, you know? The guilt of doing something that socially might be discouraged, like taboo fantasies and kinks. Just like Nico has or will have some kind of subdrop too. It's not all roses and I wanted to show this side of this kind of relationship in the story. I hope you enjoyed it. Likes, reblogs and comments are always welcome. Suggestions too.

[rjmartin11]

Earth Angel, Heavenly Boy Part 8

Pairing: Angel!Elvis & OC!black!female

Summary: After a nearly fatal car accident, a mysterious man saved the life of a young woman who believes the young man is more than what he seems.

Word Count: ???

Warnings: Slowburn

Author's Notes: Welcome to Part eight. I'm not back exactly, but I had this on the shelf for six months, two weeks, and three days. I believed Noel and Elvis deserved for y'all to know their ending or happily ever after if you will.

・ʚ♡ɞ・🪽・ʚ♡ɞ・

The next morning, Noel wakes up with only one thing on her mind.

"Elvis?"

She thought he might climb into bed with her, then it dawned on her how inappropriate it would be for an angel to sleep in the bed with her. Even if it was innocent.

"Elvis," she calls out to him once more.

He walks through the bedroom door, sitting on her bed.

"Noel, are you okay?" He asked. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Noel grabs him, holding him closely in her arms. He holds her closely in his embrace, illuminating his peace upon her. He's great to have around. Noel thinks if everyone had an angel to bring them this peace, the world would be different.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"I'm fine, I... I didn't want you to leave."

Elvis pulls away and places his forehead on hers.

"I was in the living room all night. I checked on you every once in a while, and you were fine." He assured her. "Even if I left, you would have been fine."

"What do you mean?" Noel asked, rising her head to look in his eyes.

"Remember when I told you I'm not your guardian angel?"

Noel nods at him.

"Well, your guardian angels were here last night."

"Angels? As in more than one?"

"Yes. Two of them."

"Who are they?" Noel asks.

"They're an older couple. He has moles around his eyes. She has one mole in between her eyes. They're very friendly," Elvis says.

At the moment, Noel covers her mouth in shock. She knows whom Elvis speaks of.

"My grandma and gramps."

Elvis smiles, nodding his head at her. The very thought of her grandparents being with her this whole time brought an unspeakable joy to her that couldn't be explained. She missed them terribly.

"Are they here now?" She asks.

"No, just for last night. They come see you once a week every Thursday. They went to be with your brother," Elvis explained.

"Thursday nights?" Noel said. "That was my hangout day with them when they were here. We'd eat dinner and watch old black and white films. I miss those times."

"They caught me examining your old DVD's. I guess you still do movie nights. You didn't do it last night."

Noel remains silent and looks away from Elvis. Remembering everything that transpired yesterday, all Noel really wanted to do is go back to bed.

"I have to go to work, Elvis. I don't want to," Noel says, leaning her face against his.

"You should. I need to go into the hospital. There are more patients who need me."

"Are you really a doctor?"

"Yes, in life before I officially earned my wings, I was Dr. Elvis Carpenter," he admits. "I was the number one psychiatrist in the state of Tennessee. I spoke with serial killers, gunmen, teenagers, and people just needed someone to vent to. I had a seat at the governor's table. I traveled all over the world."

Elvis pauses.

"I sense a "but" coming on."

"But I lacked a few things like..."

"Like love?" She asked him.

"Yeah. Exactly like love," Elvis says, holding her hand. "I had a girlfriend, but I put work before her. Work was my god. My false god. She got wise and left me. I gained the world, and I lost my soul."

"How'd you earn your wings then?" Noel asked.

"I gave my life to God. In him, I found hope and a new sense of peace. I wanted to give more than I received. I became a psychiatrist to help others, not myself. I got back to that mission. It was more fulfilling."

"And you fell in love again?"

"No, I died."

"I'm sorry, Elvis. That's awful."

Elvis shrugs his shoulders, and the smile never leaves his face. As if he were saying that's the way the world turns.

"I never really got over Leona. She wanted more of me, which I didn't give. She left me for someone who could give her time, understanding, and love. I was a bit too materialistic at that time. I'm sorry I was."

"Live and learn. You know better now, right?"

"Yes, I found that life is worth living. Give without expecting anything in return. Love is infinite. I could show love through my work. Help those who need help. Money means nothing if you have no one to share it with, Noel. The love that the Lord gives is deeper than worldly possessions."

"I believe that," Noel says. "I was in a bad relationship a year and a half ago. I thought I loved him. He abused me."

Elvis touches her face, bringing her more peace at the thought of that terrible relationship. She places her hand over his, holding it to her face.

"Dont think of him anymore. It's over. I'm here. Enough chatting for now. You need to go to work and I need to get to the hospital."

Noel gets ready for her day. Kindly enough, Elvis drives her to work with the promise of picking her up. She doesn't want to leave Elvis, but she realizes if this was any other relationship, she'd kiss him and leave.

Kiss him she ponders throughout her day. What would it be like to truly kiss his lips? Would God be displeased? Would it be a sin? How bad would it be to be with him sexually?

Noel had been out of the office for two days. Her coworkers were kind enough to throw her a welcome back party on her arrival. They brought her a special bundt cake and gave her a card. As sweet as the gesture was, Noel just felt it was a way of saying we're glad you're not dead. Get back to work.

She didn't allow the thought to consume her mind. Instead, she replaced the thought with Elvis. Dr. Carpenter. When she wasn't helping her patients, she'd daydream about Elvis. How deep his voice is and how it made her melt like chocolate ice cream on a hot summer day. The color of his eyes. How deep blue they are. She never saw the Caspian Sea, but she imagined that's the exact blue of it. The touch of his hand. The kindness he showed. All this was so added to something building up in her soul. Maybe... love?

Noel helped the last patient and clocked out for the day. She was ready to run to Elvis and spend the night with him once more.

As she exited the building, Elvis was standing by his car waiting for her. Noel runs to him with open arms, hugging him.

"Well, hi, honey," Elvis says, hugging her back.

"I missed you," she says, pulling away to looking into his eyes. "Did you miss me?"

Elvis pauses. "I did. I did miss you." He opens the door for her, allowing her to get in.

As they drive back to her place, Noel ponders questions she's been wanting to ask him. He slowly grabs his hand, getting his attention. Elvis glances at her and smiles. Noel notices his wicked smile, and it makes her skip a beat. How can someone be so holy yet so sexy? She doesn't know how to ask him her questions, so she just spits it out.

"Elvis, can angels fall in love?"

Elvis looks at her. He knows why she asks. He can't deny that her feels the some as well, but he knows that line can't be crossed.

"Angels are to love all. God in the heaven above. Our brothers and sisters in Christ and those who've hone astray."

"Do you know how God wants you to use your love?"

Elvis sits silent for a moment, pulling into the driveway of Noel's apartment.

"Noel, I'm a mission angel. My job is to go in the world on assignments and help the defenseless. Sometimes, I get missions where I have to play a role like a doctor. Not really a role when that was my profession in life."

"So is your mission to protect me?" She asks.

Elvis hesitates to answer her. What he's doing with her is not his assignment. He was to talk to her when she needed console, but that's where the line was supposed to end. He doesn't want to lie to her.

"It's my honor to protect you, Noel," he says, looking into those amber brown eyes he adores so much.

She smiles at his words. How can one man be so kind? She thinks. Where has he been hiding?

Heaven, obviously! Her intervoice shouts. Duh!

"Come on. I have something to show you."

They get out of the car and head upstairs. Elvis walks her to her baloney, where he's made her dinner. She never took time to clean up her baloney. The last time she checked, there were old flower pots, old chairs, a table, and cobwebs scattered around. The windows were dirty because she never went out there or bothered to clean it.

Elvis managed to clean it up from top to bottom. He replaced the old rotting wood with fresh wood. Painted it. Potted her flowers. Removed all the webs and fixed the table plus the chairs. He hung little twinkling lights on the railings from top to bottom. It made Noel believe there were fireflies around to light up the night.

"Elvis, this is... I have no words. It amazing. Thank you," she says.

"Thank you. Let's eat," Elvis says, pulling her chair out for her to sit.

He sits opposite of her and pulls out the Chinese dinner he had bought her.

"How did you know I love orange chicken?"

"It was highlighted on your kitchen menus that you have on your frig."

They eat in silence for a moment, then Noel starts her questioning once again.

"Will God forgive me for my sins? The sins of wanting things I can't have? Craving?"

"He's a forgiving God if you turn from that sin," Elvis assures her.

"I want what I can't have. The men here aren't... you."

Elvis looks at her. He knew this was happening. He couldn't deny his feelings anymore. He knew if he were alive, if he were human, he would love her fearlessly.

"Elvis, please, say something," Noel begs.

He's reminded silent one minute to long and stares at her.

"I wish... things were different. I wish I were human, so I could tell you how much I love you. So I could tell you my heart belongs to you and you alone."

Noel's face warms up, and her feels all aglow. Elvis is perfect. He's kind, generous, caring, and handsome. He has a beauty that's on the inside as well as out. Elvis saved her life for mercy sake. He truly is an angel. What she feels for him is pass flesh. She loves his soul.

"Why don't you say it?" Noel asks.

Elvis moves from his chair and kneels in front of her. He takes her hands, looks into her eyes, and says,

"I love you, Noel."

Noel's eyes wail up with tears, and a smile appears on her face. She knows he'd never lie to her.

"I love you too. It seems so sudden, but I do. I love you, Elvis."

Elvis presses his lips gently against Noel's. This kiss was perfect. His lips were soft. It was innocent, sweet, kind. Just like him.

Suddenly, Elvis allows his wings to open and engulf her with their Heavenly glow. Noel knows she could be in Elvis' arms forever or for as long as God allows.

Taglist: @missmaywemeetagain @beeandheroddobsessions @headfullofpresley @everythingpresley @epforeverohyes @vintagepresley @pianginferno @powerofelvis @ab4eva @foreverdolly @searchingforgravity @thatbanditqueen @daffieapple @18lkpeters @dkayfixates @epsgirl @richardslady121 @literally-just-elvis-fics @eptodaytommorowforever @vintageshanny @iloveelvis @dreamingofep @aliypop @littlehoneyposts @msamarican

[princessfaerygia]

he fell asleep directly on top of me. It was pretty uncomfortable but I let him stay that way. His roommate eventually woke him up and asked him to return the u haul. Then bf z got real angry and said he hates his life again and was cussing. Now he's fast asleep again and I don't want to wake him cus he will start fussing. But we need to get this stuff done. I don't understand how he is so traumatized by life he cannot complete this doable task. After all he is a licensed mechanic and can complete work jobs on his own. Though he is so free spirited he won't work a 9-5 job , which is good I think. I feel bad for my father who's worked 7am-4pm jobs his whole life and still does at age 65. He gets to retire at age 67 but lord the man is disabled physically and even simply driving a car causes him pain.

Z will be mad at me if I don't wake him but I really don't want to hear his angry verbage or be targeted.

Yesterday he told me I'm just like Maggie his ex because I didn't want to listen wasn't adept at listening/paying attention to him talk about his boogers. He talks a lot. A lot of stuff I'm not interested in at all. And I sorta just do my own thing and say "mhm" and "yeah". I noticed his roommate does the same. But we each do actually pay attention and lovingly listen to him 65% the time. I'm just seriously not interested in cars, or gang violence, or bows and arrows, even video games sometimes. He wants someone to bounce his thoughts off of and receive positive feedback and I do try to do this often. But I also space out a lot or busy on Tumblr or texting alix or mom or even dad.

He says I don't love him because of that. He is a child I swear.

It really hurts that he says I'm like Maggie because she *supposedly* never showed him physical affection. I mother and baby him as much as I can physically. I give him lots of romance too just sexually I am not up to par.

He told me they were hardly ever in the same room together but one time she visited us and she talked about their good times sitting in the outdoor closet together just fluffin around. She is a likable person and calls me sweetie. She seems to have a kind heart though she is also gangster and you know , um, not perfectly trustworthy. But I kinda love her as a friend. Her hand is extremely hurt injured and once I peeked at it and accidentally said "oh my baby!" Cus I wasn't aware it was so gruesome. She is getting it amputated at some point in future.

Z's first cat was apparently named maggie. It's weird cus my ex Andrews band was called the little big bangs and all his band members were/are obsessed with the Simpsons. I am not I hate that show lol. But anyhoo the baby is named Maggie.

It's jus funny to me that I accidently called her my baby. It just burst out my mouth I have no filter at times.

My boyfriend says that the world doesn't revolve around me and that is quite a relief to hear. though I feel a strong sense of personal-ness towards it all.

He is still fast asleep and everytime I refrain from waking him he gets so freaking mad at me. But sir you are volatile and it's almost a relief when you're sleeping. Plus Lord knows he needs some sleep especially after "almost" committing suicide, in my opinion.

I mean I don't understand what the roommates rush is~ jus let the man sleep for a lil while. Inspection isn't until later anyhow. All there is to do is fold the blankets up and vacuum.

I jus ate newly discovered unsweetened vanilla silk yogurt thanks to a mutual who inspired me to buy it. It has a lot less sugar than the kind I've lately been consuming and I kinda love it. It also comes in bulky size so I don't need to shop for it daily. With the yogurt I dipped three bananas in. I know that's a lot but I eat a lot. My psychiatrist says that's just my personality. My boyfriend says I am a glutton. I'm sorry but it tastes good and I want to be full. Not bursting thru the brims full tho. I have eating disorder.

Later on I am going to make vegan chili.

[nyxi-pixie]

Frankly, that latest post is so real though like people are trying to connect the blorbos to EVERYTHING. The problem though, is that it doesn't WORK unless you take literally everything away except a few thing that you gotta twist till it become unrecognizable to make them fit.

For example, just saw a tiktok going "Dazai doesn't feel anything, so I hc him as having ASPD! And Chuuya feels too much and has abandonment issues, he definitely got BPD"

Which. Hm. First off, I have a slight problem just diagnosing actual mental illnesses on fictional characters, especially when it's based on incorrect readings of their characters but also HOW did you get to this conclusion?

Why try to make characters fit in specific boxes at all, considering how much it flattens them, but even more ones they don't even belong in? Is there even an actual connection there or did you just go "I like this idea and I like this character, so together they go!" Like??? Uuuuugh.

Gotta be violent to myself to remember that this is just silly fandom stuff and people are just having fun and I do not need to be as mad about it as I am. Gotta let people headcanon what they want, it's fiiiiiine.

Completely fine!

...

BUT ALSO DO SOME RESEARCHES ON THE SUBJECTS YOU'RE TACKLING ON?!?!? THAT! IS! NOT! HOW! EITHER! OF! THOSE! WORK!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

putting a readmore hold my hand anon i am having us hate in quiet mode

ANYWAY. my annoying post from yesterday godbless. i was mostly yapping abt the fandom obsession with pretending to be deep while still caged by their odd fear of cringe (fandom person afraid of cringe you would think is an oxymoron but unforch. no) or their inability to read anything ever. but i kinda get this too. tbh a lot of the time ppl are playing mental illness bingo with characters bc they have like one trait that could be construed vaguely as symptomatic of a particular thing if youre directly looking for it to be, just bc theyre looking for representation. which. is fine. i play gay bingo at all times . i mean. my gay bingo has to align with canon bc im annoying about it. but when it comes down to it i am still just playing gay bingo.

HAVING SAID THATTTT. i do think a lot of the time people who are not very familiar with the ins and outs of the disorders in question (or. who dont know anything abt them. at all. like the tiktokers uve unforch run into.) and who actually have quite weird opinions abt them in real life contexts, sort of armchair diagnose a character for whatever reason without really engaging in why the character thinks that way OR fundamentally, why we are being SHOWN they think that way. bc the difference between a character and a patient in a psychiatrist's office is that a character does not exist as an autonomous being. you cannotttt understand a character purely through the same tools you would use to understand them were they to be a real person. theyre a voice created by an author; the way they act and think and whatever else is molded intentionally to fit the telling of a story. so. you know.

the OTHER issue with this is when it becomes Fandom Accepted Truth, people analyse all their actions through the lens of Disorder They Dont Actually Have. and its like. a catch all explain away device for anything they do and that limits genuine engagement with their actions and thoughts. so. yeah! vaguely annoying and i think oft leads people to have further weird takes abt a character and just generally creates an obstacle to accurate characterisation. thats ALSO because people see disorders, particularly personality disorders, as conclusive as to someones entire personhood. and like yes obviously personality disorders are going to affect. your personality. but everyone diagnosed with them is not the exact same guy, and people i think do sort of fall into believing that. especiallyyyy when it comes to characters. "this thing that i decided you have that canon does not say anything about is now your only trait." okay!

should i be annoyed by this every time i see it? no but alas. i do also think its mooooostly a habit of younger people. new to the internet and theyve heard abt psychology for the first time and now need to apply that info to everything. theyll grow out of it but thats just how the young brain works. i get it i get it i doooo but im a hater at heart. you and i bestie anon..... we are so cursed

[mapoeggplant]

Hey!! Hope u don't mind asking here straw page ask didn't allow me to type it long askjkhhjhh

I read ur review on & by Mari okazaki..I love ur reviews. Can u tell me what do u mean by "what to do with this freedom" because I thought the story was abt patriarchal society especially in some male dominated work places like surgery branches in hospitals where women from management department or clerk jobs are seen as replaceable and not given respect on the same way a stem major is given. And I was thinking she isn't free at all. The hobby of doing nails is really a hobby which she is struggling to make it abt money, and how men especially take advantage to look down from the higher positions because they feel like they can control something in THEIR lives by limiting women. I really felt it's abt work culture and ethics that women who involve themselves with such men of so called higher degrees and positions in a setup have to endure these power dynamics... and you are absolutely right all the men are disgusting. What did u think abt sexual themes in the story?

Hope u didn't mind the long ask. This manga is so underrated and I barely find any good analysis so Thank u for the writeup!!

helloooooo!! omg no, I don't mind it at all!!! in fact, I'm very glad for your ask, I'll even share on twitter later if that's ok!

so for the part about freedom, it's based on something she said about before! and maybe I got the interpretation wrong, but this is what was on my mind when I read it/wrote the review:

a lot of the time, we hear people saying how "free" we are to do things as we wish, to chose our future and to live life as we understand. and i do believe that this freedom is so huge and untamed that it became a prison. we're so forced to believe that we have so much to chose that settling for one single thing becomes something extremely painful. and a lot of times, the choice was already made before we even noticed.

i wanted to reply to you fast, because I had a similar conversation with my psychiatrist yesterday. I was telling him how I feel like I was given much freedom as I was growing up, and that chained me to a life of not really having a grasp at what I wanted to do. many people told me that I had my life in my hands and the freedom to chose what I wanted to chose that, at some moment, I saw myself completely alone and with nowhere to go. I was so free that I became unable to move. and I think that this moment of the story made me think of this: what do I do with this much freedom that I have?

I believe that aoki have a similar feeling than mine, but obviously in different levels. hearing about how free she was made her stuck to the life she felt like she was forcing herself to live. we know that this isn't true, that she was one of the victims of this nightmare we live on and was taken advantage of many, many times. she believed she was free to love who she wanted to love that she chained herself to a love that took away all her light, that was very, very emotionally abuse.

now that I'm writing this, I do think my review lacked a better explanation. I do think sometimes people are inside my head and that they will understand what I wanted to say when, in reality, I didn't' say shit HAHAHAHAH. but that's my understanding when I say "so much freedom that I don't know what to do". what's the right thing to chose? am I really independent or I'm living a life chained to work nonstop? am I really free or I'm afraid of being alone, afraid that no one will expect anything from me? do I NEED someone to expect something for me?

freedom gives us so many difficulties...and yet, it's our right to be free.

about everything else you said, I agree 100000%. I think you're ABSOLUTELY right when you say that the story is about how women "management department or clerk jobs are seen as replaceable and not given respect on the same way a stem major is given" and "I really felt it's abt work culture and ethics that women who involve themselves with such men of so called higher degrees and positions in a setup have to endure these power dynamics" (copying exactly what you said because: YES). couldn't say it better myself!!! men always seek a way to take advantage of women, and that's what happens with aoki all the time. (not only with her, but basically every women in the story. art repeats life I guess).

about the sexual themes in a more physical way...hummmm...I think I always see things related to sex in a very demi/ace way HAHAHA. in my opinion, sex was used as a weapon of power the whole story. the pressure aoki felt to love her virginity came from a place that she didn't see herself being worth of the man she loved if she wasn't able to have sex with him. all men used sex in a way to degrade women and take advantage of them. even the most ""healthy"" relationship of the story, i still think sex was used as a symbol of power, of control, of ownership. of abuse. so maybe I'm not seeing the message that might be in between, about how sex as a way to connect two people even further, about opening yourself to someone you love. I see this A LOT of times in stories and I understand all the ways sex can be use to show intimacy and passion, but I don't think it was used at any point here. sex was a way to manipulate and get anything the men wanted from the women they were sleeping with. and the women were tricked by them to believe they had all the freedom to chose if they would sleep with them or not, being blinded that they were forcing them to chose what they wanted. they weren't free but were lied to the point they believe they were.

does that makes sense? I feel like sometimes I do need to be more clear in my analysis or reviews, so I'll keep that in mind. and also, thank you for asking me this and giving me the opportunity to open up a little more and explain what I wanted to say. you question was very important to me to really see what I need to make it better when writing my analysis. please, if you feel like I didn't answered you properly of you don't agree with anything I wrote, I would LOVE to discuss even more. my opinion isn't the right one, I'm always here to talk more about it.

thank you SO much once more 💛

[homeboygirl]

my town has a charity+an annual fundraiser walk because our local hospitals send away so many people who ultimately attempt or complete a suicide upon leaving (usually having gone to the hospital to EXPLICITLY say "i am going to kill myself"...they just dont admit suicidal people its not like a thing here. unless its against your will in which case theyll admit you. willingness is seen as a reason not to admit here.). everyone i know has either experienced it or lost someone to suicide in this exact manner. its hopeless.

dude im sorry thats crazy but yeah its fucking insane how little hospitals care when it comes to mental health crises, and i totally agree on the willingness part. i live in a country where you can legally get medical assisted suicide because they would literally rather help you kill yourself than help you not want to kill yourself 😭 when i was a teenager in the psych ward i hated it so much i eventually just started lying about how i was feeling to get out quicker. and ive been to many different hospitals over many years for many different mental health issues and its always the same shit treatment. either they dont take you seriously because youre not really suicidal if you dont have a real plan, or they take seven hours to triage you and make you wait in the waiting room that whole time. as a patient in crisis. and when they do admit you they just put you on a cot in the hall. these are all things that have happened to me! and literally today when i went to the psych unit here she basically said that smoking weed was making me depressed. and she went to see if i could get back a psychiatrist appointment i cancelled yesterday in a delirious self-sabotage, which should have been a 2 minute call with the receptionist, but she left for over an hour with no update until we went to go track her down. like are you kidding me? what if i had extreme paranoia or something? youre really not going to give your psych patients an update on whats going on? i could have just left the building!😭 and since im already seeing a psychiatrist all they recommended me was Group Therapy DBT. honestly what a joke

[nocturneworld6]

Hello :3

I stumbled across your blog yesterday while searching for ao3 tags and discovered that you are the author of 3 wonderful diabolik lovers fanfics that I plan to read in the near future. I only got introduced to the game series after watching the anime a few months ago, and I've already played the first two games myself, but it wasn't until a week ago that I joined here to learn new and new things. Since you are a fan of one of the most complex in character and personality of the triplets, at least for me, I would be glad if you could tell me a little about him. Like why exactly he of all caught your attention, what exactly makes him different from his brothers, what mental disorders do you think he suffers from, his fears, and that weird obsession he has with Cordelia. Since I want to delve a little deeper into the character of all the brothers and Mukami, I've been doing a lot of research lately on the types of mental issues, but there seems to be very little information on Ayato despite being such a well-liked character.

(Sorry for the huge novel I just created, if you don't want to or don't have time for that you can ignore it).

I think I've answered a similar question before, so I'll keep it brief... Ayato suffers from huge abandonment issues and has obvious mental scars from the torture he has suffered at the hands of his mother. Most of the kids have but the way he internalised that trauma is interesting. He didn't drown his sorrow in sex like Laito or become totally unhinged like Kanato, didn't shut himself like Shu or Become overzealous about success like Reiji... And even though he does have self loathing tendencies like Subaru it's not nearly as serious as him. He decided to become a crybaby who wants and seeks constant attention and validation. Don't mind me making fun of my favourite Diaboy. Jealousy isn't an attractive trait but it surely is an interesting one.

Regarding his obsession with Cordelia... Have you seen Reiji's obsession with Beatrix? The man tries to resurrect her multiple times just to torture her in the games. I guess Ayato's obsession is rather tame compared to his brothers, but I would say all of the brothers are somehow in a trauma bond with their mothers. I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist and I'm totally making a huge generalisation but, it's not far from possible. So saying someone is more interesting than any other isn't truly giving any justice to the characters. You know what character I hate the most in the game? Kou! Is he a loved character? Yes! Do I dare say that he's interesting? Yes! But does he interest me in particular? No. Every individual tends to have their own quirks and I wouldn't say any particular character is more complex than the others. They're all complex and there's something about Ayato that I particularly like.

Tbh I simply ship him with Yui and my personal favourite is Reiji, but I wouldn't tell you that. :) Also... Regarding the psychological aspect... I wouldn't mind you diving deeper into it, but I think since they're pretty different from humans, the Sakamakis and Mukamis aren't really characters we should view with the lens of human psychology. What is normal to us isn't normal to them.

[changingplumbob]

Nishidake Household: Chapter 5, Part 1

In this part the Nishidake household hit a few roadbumps with the inclusion of the health mods.

Back to Mt Komorebi where the Nishidake household sleeps. Last rotation they got the news that Kaori’s grandparents had left a large inheritance for her and her wife. The Nishidake family are the guardians of the mountain, a mantle which requires loyalty to the region. Specifically you can go somewhere on holiday, but if you take steps to move away you will die. At least according to a bunch of dead ancestors who tried, including Kaori’s parents.

Charlie: We better get up

Kaori: Clover’s belly is not the boss of us

Clover: *barks hungrily*

Kaori: Who am I kidding? Her belly is totally the boss of us

Charlie: *laughs* I can go feed her if you want first shower

Kaori: Please. I had a not great fall yesterday and my muscles are still aching

Charlie: You should have said, I could have given you a massage

Kaori: I’ve maxed my snowboarding skill, I’m not meant to have falls

Charlie: Everyone has falls *to Clover* Come on my honey pie, who wants biscuits?

Charlie: Did you get back in your pyjamas? *kisses cheek*

Kaori: Yeah, they’re comfy

Charlie: Remember we need to go to the doctors first thing

Kaori: Why? Since when

Charlie: Mum text about a new mod. Apparently we need vaccines and to go see a gynaecologist

Kaori: Char only one of us got a bio degree

Charlie: Oh, they just look at our pixel parts and tell us if we’re healthy

Kaori: What? I don’t want some stranger looking at my pixel parts

Charlie: We don’t have a choice

Kaori: Sure we do! We just don’t go. It’s not like we’re going to get pregnant or one of us is sleeping with someone who has a pixel parts infection

Charlie: We don’t need to be trying to get pregnant for our reproductive organs to stuff up and explode

Kaori: *suspiciously* You’re just being gloomy right? Our organs won’t actually explode…

Charlie: Guess the only way for you to find out is to come with me

Kaori: *rolls eyes* Fine. How much will it set us back

Charlie: Don’t worry. All players on the team get health insurance, we’ll be fine, it won’t cost as much

Kaori: Brilliant! We could use the savings on a new couch

Charlie: Umm, I don’t think that’s how savings work. And we hardly ever sit on the couches anyway

Kaori: Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have nice ones. And I’m not suggesting we use the inheritance on ourselves, but you and I do get income we can spend. You knew you were marrying a shop-a-holic Char, I like nice things

Charlie: Am I included in these nice things

Kaori: Only if you take a shower

Charlie: Oh, she burns!

Kaori: Shut up, you know I still have a fear of fire. I’ll get the dishes, you shower so we can get these medical visits over with

Clover: *barks* Hope I don’t have any medical visits

Kaori: We survived!

Charlie: Heck yeah. Now, about what the doctor said…

Kaori: Char she said I’m neurodivergent, it’s not like we need to be worried or sad or whatever

Charlie: I’m gloomy, I can’t help it. Do you want me to go to the psychiatrist with you

Kaori: Nah, I’ll be sweet. Can you get started on the chores for me though?

Charlie: Does gardening count

Kaori: So long as you don’t let Clover track the dirt through the house

Charlie: I won’t. But I know you enjoy vacuuming so… I’ll leave that for you?

Kaori: *laughs* Guilty! Okay, I’ll vacuum when I’m back

Charlie gets started on her indoor garden. She learned how to garden during her biology degree with Rahul, not that she’d tell her dad that she’d ignored his many attempts to teach her about soil types and fertiliser strengths. She’s calling out to Clover every so often when she realises Clover is barking differently than normal.

Charlie: You better not be inviting around the hound dogs

Clover: *barks to the hound dogs*

Charlie: We’re getting you spayed so don’t even think about it

Kaori: What’s all the noise in here

Charlie: You back? How’d it go

Kaori: Did you say we’re getting this precious angel spayed

Charlie: I did indeed yell that

Clover: *barks in love*

Kaori: But... Charlie... puppies could be so cute!

Charlie: No

Kaori: Why not? You got her and Allie as puppies

Charlie: Over population K. There’s enough strays out there without adding to the surplus

Kaori and Clover go to the garden room where Charlie is fighting a temporary bug invasion.

Kaori: But what if... we kept the puppies

Charlie: *sighs* K, pregnancy is hard and labour is rough. Yes you may end up with cute puppies but think about what Clover would have to go through. It’s not right for us to put her through that when we can get her fixed

Kaori: *pouts* Suppose

Charlie: I don’t want to be pregnant. You don’t want to be pregnant. Why would we make her do something we’re not willing to go through ourselves huh?

Kaori: You’re right, I know you’re right. She just really seems to want to make puppies

Clover: *barks in love*

Charlie: It’s hormones. Should calm down when she’s fixed. Now what did the psychiatrist say

Kaori: That I have… wait he did write it down somewhere for me…

Clover: *barks in love*

Charlie: Honey pie mummies are talking right now

Kaori: Oh, I kept it on my phone. I have this thing called… Dysgraphia? I think that’s how it’s pronounced

Charlie: I haven’t heard of it before

Kaori: Yeah me neither

Charlie: Do they think we need to be worried at all

Kaori: No. It’s just why I have trouble writing neatly and getting stuff from my head onto paper

Charlie: Did they want you to start anything like meds or tutoring or something

Kaori: Depends on how much I’m bothered. Like I have the film and literature hobby but I enjoy experiencing stories more than creating them you know. I’ll see how I go

With the garden tidied Charlie gets into her uniform and heads off to work.

Kaori: Good luck playing Char! We'll be listening and watching

Charlie: Thanks. Hey Clover, I’ll see you when you have less organs

Clover: *whines*

Kaori: Here we are, standard vets. I’ll go sign you in for a spay, come on Clover

Clover: *whines in love*

Kaori: Let’s see… do we have an account here? We should do, we took Allie here after all

Bartholemew A. Bittlebun, Snr.: *meows* Lady you’re in my puddle

Kaori: Spay… spay… spay! Here we go, all signed up

 Bartholemew A. Bittlebun, Snr.: *meows* The service here is terrible

Kaori: I’m lucky this screen lights up. Why is it so dark in here?

Clover: *barks* Puddle! I must jump in as tribute to Peanut

Bartholemew A. Bittlebun, Snr.: *meows* Make your own puddle to play in

Clover: *barks* But this one is right here and I need to roll

Bartholemew A. Bittlebun, Snr.: *runs from the scene of the crime*

Justin: Hey lady, your dog is making a mess! All over the floor

Kaori: Maybe you should wait for the vet outside Clover

Bartholemew A. Bittlebun, Snr.: *smirks in victorious cat*

Cora: Clover? Clover?

Clover: *barks* That’s my name, don’t wear it out

Cora: You’re a nice doggy, right

Clover: *barks* Why do you look scared

Sick Non Fox: *barks* Get out of my way!

Clover: *growls* You get out of my way fire feet

Sick Non Fox: Why hasn’t the vet taken you in yet? Do you have rabies

Clover: *growls* I do not have rabies

Kaori: So do you have a cat or-

Brant: Three dogs, the youngest one seems to have something wrong with his feet. Luckily we live nearby

Kaori: Oh man I live all the way in Mt Komorebi, but this is pretty much the only vet clinic in the world

Brant: Tell me about it

…

Cora: Nice doggy? Want to play

Clover: *barks* at least that rhymes with spay

Sick Non Fox: You’re getting your organs taken out? Loser. I can breed free

Clover: *growls* I pity any offspring of your ridiculous looking self

Cora: Here we are. If you could just get her to sit on the treadmill

Kaori: Clover, sit. What was the delay?

Cora: Oh, you know, just wanted to check some things

Clover disappears into the machine…

Kaori: What do you mean? What things

Cora: Not to worry. This is my first time doing a spay but I did learn how to tell the difference between the uterus and the bladder

Clover: *whines*

Kaori: Is she okay in there

Cora: She’ll be fine. Now the procedure does fit her with a cone. We recommend *thinks hard* that it stay on for the rest of the day

Kaori takes Clover home feeling less than confident in the nurses abilities but Clover seems fine apart from the cone. Charlie will be working until 9 but the fridge is almost empty so Kaori starts on dinner.

Kaori: I’m sorry we won’t have puppies Clover, they would have been cute. Maybe in a few years mummy will let us get another puppy huh?

Clover: *barks dejectedly*

Kaori: Of course, we could always just go adopt a puppy as a surprise

Clover: *barks questioningly*

Kaori: I know babykins, you’re right. Rescue pets do not make good surprise gifts

Kaori turns on the radio while she eats so she can tune in to Charlie’s game. She’ll watch it properly when she’s eaten but she likes to catch the start. It’s a rough game for Charlie’s team, they don’t win, and Charlie gets subbed out ten minutes before then end. She returns home gloomier than usual.

Kaori: Do you want a massage

Charlie: You watched the game huh

Kaori: I did

Charlie: I hate when coach subs me out at the end. I’m the best on the team for the penalty shootouts

Kaori: I suppose you can’t win them all

Charlie: This stupid reporter-

Kaori: Hey, have some food while we talk. You look pretty wiped out

Charlie: You left me the last of the Pho?

Kaori: I had to cook so I figured I’d let you have it

Charlie: Aww thanks K. You’re sweet

Kaori: Now you mentioned reporter

Charlie: *sighs* So it’s post match press and this guy calls the loss one of the worst ever to happen in soccer. Which I get, it was a rough end. But he was asking me who was responsible? Did the dude not see I wasn’t even on the pitch for the end?

Kaori: Did you tell him off

Charlie: I thought about it, but I didn’t want to throw coach under the bus. Then she’d have even more reason to bench me. So I spouted some nonsense about teamwork. I swear they target me with the tricky questions because they know I’m gloomy and they’re searching for a soundbite

Kaori: Come here, I love you and your gloominess. It keeps me and my cheerfulness grounded

Charlie: *sighs* I suppose so. I guess I should do the dishes

Kaori: No, I got them. I think somebody wants their cone off

Charlie: Oh Clover, Honey pie? Who wants to be free again?

Clover: *barks* Have mercy on me

Charlie: Does my brave girl need a hug, huh? Do you need a hug?

The tired trio head to the bedroom together and fall asleep.

Previous (Foster) ... Next

[bpd-bipolar-me]

TW: Talk of meds, ed's, sh, sa, attempted sc, mental disorders & illness,

The First Post

I figure my first post, since it rarely goes read, should be an introduction to me and my plan for the blog! I want to say welcome and I’m excited to begin this page, I’ve wanted to start a blog for a while so I find it lovely that you’re joining me for the adventure 💛🥰

About Me

I have been facing symptoms of mental illness since the age of 12-13, and I turn 23 later this month. Within the last couple months I have ramped up my treatment when it comes to mental health; therapist, psychiatrist, diagnosis’s, medication, and group therapy. Although I have not dialed in a specific diagnosis in relation to BPD and Bipolar disorder, I do have a confirmed diagnosis for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. After talking with mental health professionals I have been told that I very likely have either BPD or Bipolar, and I have also discussed the possibility of a dual diagnosis (both BPD and Bipolar)*. Bipolar runs prominently in one side of my family and I display symptoms and characteristics of both disorders. I have struggles with eating disorders since the age of 14-15 and now only struggle with restrictive eating habits and distorted body image. I suffered family abuse and neglect growing up. My parents divorced when I was 16 but it didn't devastate anybody in the family, we all knew the marriage was rotten in it's ways. I choose to move with my dad and my siblings stayed with my mother. I have since cut contact with my mother and siblings a couple months ago but that's a story for another time. I used to sh, specifically the "emo" way but funnily I didn't have a emo phase, I've dropped out of college twice, have been sa'd many times, attempted sc twice in my life, have never been hospitalized, and just started Abilify yesterday. I was initially recommended Lithium but I don't think I'm even remotely ready for that. But more on that later.

About The Page

I wish for this page to be a place that someone like me can comfortably expose the inner and outer workings of a person with unstable emotions and moods, someone who may* have a personality or mood disorder. I hope for it to be a place that someone like me can see and relate to in some way, or someone who cannot relate at all can develop a better understanding of what it's like to live this way and experience life the way we do. I wish for this page to be a place to help and heal me and others in any way, and a piece of the world where I can show and share whatever I wish to. Please take what connects and be open to understanding what doesn't.

I wish you the bestest of days and nights, remember to drink water, have a stretch, breath deep, and take your damn meds!!💛

~Bellie

[mega-ringsandthings-world]

Maybe be I’m just projecting but—

From your descriptions, it sounds like Mihawk had some pretty OCD-like symptoms and control issues even before the trauma. I could just be pathologizing here; I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist, but I am someone who suffers from OCD and OCD-like symptoms. His need for perfection in everything he does, almost hypochondriac tendencies, sounds like they get ratcheted up to extremes. Maybe his canon counterpart found ways to mellow out, deal with it in a healthy manner, focus on gardening or how he arranges his castle, or keep himself concentrated on busywork.

But this version of Mihawk sounds like he's always three steps away from rubbing the skin off his hands from a bad texture. I wonder if the Mihawk, like many trauma survivors, the world is both hypersensitive and muted to him? Like his need for control and constant use of Observation Haki is to the point that the world feels too bright and too uncontrollable but also muted emotionally, like he's not really feeling it? Like a dissidence between him and reality and being able to control his environment helps with the issue.

I wonder if he's experiencing constant sensory overload but can't stop himself from this form of self-harm, fearing that the moment he turns off Observation Haki is the moment something bad happens. And if he sees Shanks as a piece of himself, something sewn skin to skin, does he fret and control Shanks too? Like fixing his hair a certain way, wiping his mouth of crumbs, cleaning his hands and face after a battle, choosing his outfits, and does it get to the point where it goes from harmless fretting into something suffocating?

I can see Shanks soaking it up at first, someone taking care of him, loving him, looking out for him. It probably feels normal, natural, and from what we've talked about, it seems one of his coping mechanisms is just shutting down, going quiet and still, and disappearing for a while. Having someone to take care of you while you're basically incapacitated must be helpful. But maybe sometimes it feels like Shanks doesn't own his own skin, and being taken care of feels less like care and more like control. He'll remember being dolled up, forced to wear makeup and clothes, to smile and lie and continue on until his voice bled, and not even the softness of callus free hand feels like his own.— and he'll get into these screaming matches with Mihawk over buttons or the food that they're eating, insisting that he's not a kid anymore, that he can take care of himself.

And Mihawk, angry from Shanks' anger, wound up from the feeling of everything and everyone mixed with his PTSD, will bite back just as mean. That he couldn't take care of himself yesterday, and if he was going to spit on Mihawk giving a damn, he could at least say it out loud!

They’ll be angry, so vicious, and needling, and cruel. Maybe their projecting maybe their both confused and in pain and don’t know how to say “I love you but being around you makes me want to claw my own skin off sometimes but being with out you is death and I don’t know which is worse?”

In the beginning the same way he wears high collars and a full jacket and hat does Mihawk also wear gloves or keep his hands covered in armament? To A. Not touch anything and B. Deal with sensory input? Did Shanks walk around completely ass naked after a fight just to prove a point that the won’t wear any of the clothes Mihawk picked out for him?

Do they have meltdowns? Where Mihawk can't stand the heat or his clothes or anything touching him, even the air he breathes feels like poison. Does he get angry, does he spiral? Does he use his observation haki to purposefully attack people where he knows it will hurt the most, by feeling out their emotions and their thoughts, cruel, cruel so very cruel. I know Shanks shuts down, but what about when he has a melt down, is it even more catastrophic with his uncontrollable Conqueror's Haki mixed in? Like an oppressive weight of anger, pain, sorrow so deep and wide it could swallow the world.

Just these two feel like their going to eat each other alive with there trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I’m just holding on to the fact that you say they get some healing in the end.

He did/does. Partly he's just innately a perfectionist, but yes, it always seemed to me like Mihawk would have some control issues/tendencies like the ones you've mentioned. Pre-Loguetown AU Mihawk doesn't struggle with them severely, because up until Loguetown, he's always had control over himself and his surroundings/environment, and working alone contributes greatly to keeping down any negative stimuli/things he can't immediately control or has to overtly work to control. This goes the same for canon Mihawk. He's in a steady situation, except when he himself chooses. Any anything he comes across, he quickly controls. Loguteotwn is going to exacerbate his issues a thousandfold. Where they were once mild, now they decidedly aren't. Wrong texture, wrong sound, suspect atmosphere? It'd be agony. He used observation Haki almost passively before, but in Loguetown observation haki is what he relied on to give himself a desperate last silver of control; the ability to sense the horrors coming before they did. That way he was at least prepared. So when he gets out, a survivors' hyper-vigilance is conflated with the superhuman nature of the observation Haki. Hell, it's like a fucking drug. And the effects would be the same as a drug, both dulling and enhancing. He gets the input of the Haki, which gets him jittery and raw with the sheer sensations he's processing in bulk. But when the first rush of that dulls, and if there is no true danger, he goes numb from the over-stimulation. Wash rinse and repeat, until he's throwing up with it. And he wouldn't stop. So yeah. Hm. I don't think Mihawk would be deliberately controlling, at least not of personal effects, because the very notion of controlling Shanks or forcing him into something he is not comfortable with would utterly repulse him, given what him and Shanks went through. However, he'd try to control Shanks' physical circumstances. Anything that involves Shanks or concerns him, things he's doing, places he's going, plans he's making, he'd have a hand and an eye in. Which brings it's own type of problems, when Shanks wants something done one way and Mihawk thinks it the best for Shanks' safety that it's done this way, and neither budge, since despite how deeply they are hooked in eaach other, they are still separate people. And when Mihawk does try to control Shanks' in a more personal way, (because it does happen, just unwittingly) it's because Mihawk has got shoved back so deep in the past that he's reverting to his nineteen year-old-self, where the only type of control he had was telling Shanks to brush his hair or blow his nose properly. Shanks experiencing that type of control from Mihawk is near horrifying, because of how much it mimics the actions of their former captors. Because Mihawk is never forcefully controlling of Shanks, unless during episodes like this. So he'd distance himself from Mihawk, which makes Mihawk think of the times they'd part Shanks from him, and he'd react even more strongly, and both go deeper down the rabbit hole until the cycle manages to break. (Shanks indulges Mihawk's natural fussing until times like these, when he recoils from it instead) On the flip side, Shanks would rally against Mihawk's standards, he'd think Mihawk was being too severe or being too rigid, trying too hard or working himself too hard, telling Mihawk to come out of his shell, that things do not always have to be perfect, have to be foolproof, screaming at him that apparently doesn't Mihawk trust him to do/choose anything, and why does he act this way? Why do things have to be so so so perfect? Fighting with Mihawk over the little things Mihawk has control over/makes decisions about, like yes, clothes and food and the color of something, Mihawk's suggestions and opinions over clothes and music and books ( and if Luffy is there, they fight over him.) needs pt.2