bpd-bipolar-me

[bpd-bipolar-me]

TW: Talk of meds, mental illness, breakup

Ok, so long story short I'm uprooting my life to move back in with my father across the country. haha yay. I'm scared obviously, but overall I'm hopeful for my future and for some relief from life. I recognize how lucky and privileged in this day to not only have a parent who can financially support you, but who is actively willing and wanting to. I am infinitely blessed to have my father.

I really don't know much of what else to say. my meds are starting to regress which was expected, gets worse towards the end of the month before I go up in dose, and that's in 3 days hopefully. Oh right! Timeline! I may have rushed it, but I feel that was right for me. I'm leaving the 21st, and stopping off in another state to visit some long distance besties before completing the drive over the course of a couple days. The trip is so close.

My boyfriend has decided to wait until I leave to start to process the big change, which isn't at all out of the norm for his time management. I wish he wasn't so avoidant about his feelings, by the time he's ready I'll be out the door and he'll feel as if I didn't give him enough time. Time he chose to use in a different way. It's always me. But that's why I'm leaving, to be better, so it doesn't have to be me, so it doesn't have to be anything. He wants to live as normal, but nothing is normal and I'm becoming apathetic. I should forgive myself for it. It all feels strange, when you become indifferent you lose the rose glasses and allow the things before to hurt you, because you didn't want to let it hurt you then.

I know I'm too much, a burden at times, and overbearing in a lot of ways, the difference is being mean on purpose as compared to being crazy. I feel that intention is incredibly important, and I won't be around people who are intentionally malicious for their own gain or entertainment.

Take your meds and drink some water.

[bpd-bipolar-me]

Just did a tarot reading about the Florida thing and fml.

[bpd-bipolar-me]

A Little Rough One

TW: Mention of mental illness, medications, cannabis, cursing, pretty long post sorry, vent

Today is a wake up and cry kind of day for me, already journaled and fed the cats, folded and put away some laundry and checked my email, but it's all tears after that.

I'm thinking a lot about something my boyfriend said a while ago. My father (the only person in my family I still speak to) lives in another state across the country, I'm his only child and we have a really strong connection especially when it comes to fixing internal ailments. Anyway, my bf brought up me moving down with him to focus on my mental health, like really focus on it. No more rent, no boyfriend, no bullshit, just everyday working to better my mind and figure this shit out. The more I think about it I almost want it, a chance to not have to be the sole provider for a while. I know I've put myself in that position by choosing partners and friends that were unreliable financially, mentally, by their word, or just an all around person you don't feel you can depend on.

~~~~~On a separate note, I took a break and ended up smoking some shweed and feel much better than I did 20 minutes ago but I'm gonna keep writing because I like how this is going.

To continue, it is by my hand that I feel this intense desire to not have to provide for myself for the most part, or maybe it's just to only have to depend on myself and not have to support someone else? I did feel quite nice when I was living with my old housemate, but I don't know if it's connected to an urge to be alone. Either way, I'm not all too comfortable with the idea of living off of my father. I know he would most likely say yes and set the spare bed for me in an instant, buy me a plane ticket, and ship all my shit down to his state without hesitation. I know it's available. He would probably talk to me about funding an apartment so he wouldn't have to share his space for that long which is hilarious to me (He lives in a mobile home and loves to drive and travel around, he also has a cat).

I would have to drop all my current healthcare specialists and reapply for insurance and change address and all that stuff, I'd also have to get an actual diagnosis for Bipolar 2 before moving so I can just walk into the office and have all 4 diagnosis and not have to jump through hoops. I just know he would force me to drive his big ass truck to learn to drive. Terrifying. But I think about it and I hate it because I don't want to leave the state I'm in, I don't want to leave the area of states around me, I'm ok moving a couple states to the side or around but not across the country. I love my current therapist and I'm so happy about starting a medication I don't want to risk having to start over or stop my journey. There's also the thought of the state being kinda a shit state anyways, it's nice, but the dangers are a little too much for a woman. Gods I'm starting to daydream about it a little while I type away, that's probably why it's so long. I'd join a boxing or MMA class, I have the body for it and the crazy too, and my father would definitely get me back into shooting, though I'm sure that neither of us want a gun in my hands casually and all the time.

There are clear benefits, and the only thing stopping me is my emotional attachment to the people and places around me, and potentially my father not saying yes to it. Though he's more the kind of person to accept logic and planning if he can reason it as well, so if I approach him with a clear mind and clear plan the chances go up.

I'm sorry for the fucking BOOK and I hope it was linear enough to understand. I guess this was a vent? A working through things, an insight to my mind at this point. I know neither my boyfriend or I want that reality, I need to talk to my therapist about it. I know I know, no big decisions until your mind is calm and you feel stable.

Blugh, take you DAMN meds, drink some water, and my heart will be cheering you on from wherever you are <3

[bpd-bipolar-me]

Currently watching Twilight and playing Animal crossing. This is great 💛✨

Team Jacob I think? 🐶

[bpd-bipolar-me]

Just Something Small

I changed my wallpaper!! I wish I’d taken a screenshot before, but it was Coraline themed with all sorts of witchy stuff too. This one is softer and slower, themed after some of my favorite slower softer anime’s.

[bpd-bipolar-me]

Sorry, Hi! Update time!

TW: Talk of meds, mental illness, therapy, symptoms and side effects

Okie, lots to cover, went missing for a while and that's my bad. But hey! That's mental illness for ya!

First an foremost, meds have been an interesting experience. I'm having the symptoms and side effects of pressured speech, mental fog, higher irritability and more regular irritability, headaches, insomnia and akathisia. It's not a lot to handle now, however it still sucks and my anxiety is still a little unchecked so that will be taken care of next.

Secondly and the fun part! Therapist and psychologist say Bipolar 2 is the most likely option and therapist says it is absolutely Bipolar 2. So for now we make a treatment plan based off of that. It makes the most sense though, the budding mental illness my whole life, the gentle influence it seems to have, all of the actions and mistakes and happenings that didn't seem "intense" enough to be mental illness is now, indeed, a sign that I have a problem and have had one for a very long time.

Now for a little life update and a chat? Yeah, I like that. I've decided to move in with my boyfriend, we've gotten two cats (one for each of us), my job is going well and hasn't fired me yet and I think I'm actually doing really well. Boyfriend and I had a huge conversation about whether or not we should be together and how we want to go about our relationship considering my mental state and everything going on in our lives and the world around us. It's the typical healthy "We work on this and ourselves, dedicate ourselves fully, and if the universe says no to us, we will part ways lovingly knowing all we did was for the better and we learned and loved so much." It was super cathartic, he even brought up a couple good points about what might be best for me. It really put into perspective how he sees me and how others perceive me, and how much he genuinely does care.

On that note as well, we often get so caught up in how things will turn out, on the future, and it sparks so much anxiety. I honestly think this should be it's own separate post because it's such an important topic and such a revelation for me to see the world through. Reassure what you know and want to be true, what you KNOW is true. My BF loves me and would never cheat and these are true, so I will sit on them as true and act accordingly, and in the event he turns out to be a liar or a cheat, I can act accordingly then as well. We do NO good trying to remain hypervigilant in our day to day lives, all it does is increase the workload you have. Anyway, whole other post because there's a lot to unpack with this topic.

Last but not least, thanks for reading the book of me. Two things I have implemented to increase my quality of life is slowing down, and more consistent self talk. Two small steps that have proved themselves to be infinitely helpful. I'm working to slow my thought process and let go of so much of the need for control the paranoid parts of my brain hold onto. It's working beautifully, I'm taking more joy in the little things (washing my face, crochet, stretching) and noticing the better things in situations that would have been perceived in the worst ways in my mind.

Anyways, drink some water, take your damn meds, and I'll cheer you on from my heart wherever you are!

[bpd-bipolar-me]

First Time On Meds

TW: Talk of meds & symptoms, mental disorders and illness & symptoms, self-medication, substances,

On November 12th I went in to talk to a psychiatric counselor and medications manager for the first time to finally consider medication with a professional, up until now I was self medicating with MaryJ, nicotine, and had a previous addiction to alcohol. I was originally recommended Lithium but we decided on Abilify generic brand due to the slight difference in symptoms. I'm doing 2mg for 1 month and then having another appointment to discuss and see if I need a change or if we should go up in dosage.

I took my first dose yesterday at around 4 pm, since the side effects can either make you sleepy or give you insomnia I wanted to make sure I hade some time to deal with either and get a good feel for what time I should be taking my dose. I will be taking it at night before bed tonight and will sit with that routine unless I feel the need to change it or experiment.

So far, my partner says I've been grumpy and irritable for the past day and night, I hadn't even noticed I was being cold and short with him and we got into a tiny tiff because I felt guilty and over-apologized an hour ago. I've noticed that I'm a bit more irritable though, a little lethargic, and I'm definitely experiencing the drop in blood pressure during the initial doses. I actually passed out and took a nap from 10pm-12am last night, right back to bed, and then woke up at like 630-7am with spotty nausea, heartburn, and acid burps. My brain feels a little swimmy too, but full transparency I am regularly smoking MaryJ and Abilify has a reaction to it, I'm thinking of trying no smoke tonight before bed, I usually get really high before bed so I don't have nightmares and now it's a dependency because I have a really hard time getting to bed and falling asleep in the first place. Anyway, my medications manager says that they don't actually mind me smoking for my PTSD and nightmares, but to just be very aware of how it interacts with my prescription. I mean realistically I want to have a more relaxed and fun relationship with the plant, and if my meds are doing the job of what the smoke was supposed to be doing, then I don't NEED to be smoking it basically at all.

Take your damn meds💛

~Bellie

[bpd-bipolar-me]

TW: Talk of meds, ed's, sh, sa, attempted sc, mental disorders & illness,

The First Post

I figure my first post, since it rarely goes read, should be an introduction to me and my plan for the blog! I want to say welcome and I’m excited to begin this page, I’ve wanted to start a blog for a while so I find it lovely that you’re joining me for the adventure 💛🥰

About Me

I have been facing symptoms of mental illness since the age of 12-13, and I turn 23 later this month. Within the last couple months I have ramped up my treatment when it comes to mental health; therapist, psychiatrist, diagnosis’s, medication, and group therapy. Although I have not dialed in a specific diagnosis in relation to BPD and Bipolar disorder, I do have a confirmed diagnosis for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. After talking with mental health professionals I have been told that I very likely have either BPD or Bipolar, and I have also discussed the possibility of a dual diagnosis (both BPD and Bipolar)*. Bipolar runs prominently in one side of my family and I display symptoms and characteristics of both disorders. I have struggles with eating disorders since the age of 14-15 and now only struggle with restrictive eating habits and distorted body image. I suffered family abuse and neglect growing up. My parents divorced when I was 16 but it didn't devastate anybody in the family, we all knew the marriage was rotten in it's ways. I choose to move with my dad and my siblings stayed with my mother. I have since cut contact with my mother and siblings a couple months ago but that's a story for another time. I used to sh, specifically the "emo" way but funnily I didn't have a emo phase, I've dropped out of college twice, have been sa'd many times, attempted sc twice in my life, have never been hospitalized, and just started Abilify yesterday. I was initially recommended Lithium but I don't think I'm even remotely ready for that. But more on that later.

About The Page

I wish for this page to be a place that someone like me can comfortably expose the inner and outer workings of a person with unstable emotions and moods, someone who may* have a personality or mood disorder. I hope for it to be a place that someone like me can see and relate to in some way, or someone who cannot relate at all can develop a better understanding of what it's like to live this way and experience life the way we do. I wish for this page to be a place to help and heal me and others in any way, and a piece of the world where I can show and share whatever I wish to. Please take what connects and be open to understanding what doesn't.

I wish you the bestest of days and nights, remember to drink water, have a stretch, breath deep, and take your damn meds!!💛

~Bellie