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roostertuftart · 2 years ago

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I know you're the Kyle expert, but I knew a guy who thought Stan would be an incel. Thoughts?

Hmmm. Idk, I've seen that float around and I don't really get it?? Like, I can sorta get it more than when people seriously say it about Kyle. Stan definitely seems to fall into more... Viewing girls sort of in that perhaps lightly internally sexist way than Kyle seems to, of having some sort of unintentional separation between boys and girls that makes him kind of view girls as very different types of people friendwise, if that makes sense. Like, say he was dating a guy- I don't think much would change in terms of the guy being an extremely close friend who's been elevated up an extra level to romantic. But Wendy isn't really like that. She's not Stan's friend outside of their relationship.

And okay, that's not to say Kyle is a bastion of anti sexism himself, ESPECIALLY noting earlier seasons, but Kyle doesn't really seem to act the same way Stan does when interacting with girls?? His early season sexism felt more innocent and childish, something he's definitely grown out of now. It was less built on this deep internalized toxic masculinity and more like the "eww cooties" ideas that happen a lot with young kids. Obviously division based on traits like sex is not good under any circumstance, but it doesn't seem to have carried on much in his modern view of girls. Nowadays Kyle just seems to view girls far more equally even when divided from them, and cares more about listening or hearing out where they're coming from and understanding their frustration with sexism, for example. While he doesn't really have many close female friends (and really none of the boys actually do besides Stan), his behavior doesn't really shift at all to trying to be gentlemen-y or something around women, denoting a very equal level view of them.

But, in Stan's defense, we see him interacting with the girls way more than Kyle, and I think him having dated Wendy, interacting with her friends, etc etc over the series gives us way more to work with in that area than we get to with the more or less far in between hints we're given with Kyle. One thing that I think may impact this for me is also kind of that the few times we HAVE seen Kyle's attraction to girls play out, putting aside Leslie bc oh boy was Kyle blindly simping there, he doesn't seem to be as quick to focus on like... I guess vaguely sexual aspects like the other boys, which leads to him just seeming to objectify women less (Not to say that being sexually attracted to someone is inherently objectifying, but there is more of an overlap with people who are drawn by looks and engagement in objectifying behavior).

And then there's how Kyle has reacted to being rejected, and I know the big one is Super Hard PCness that everyone likes to point out as Kyle being a "nice guy", but in actuality, he was extremely graceful in how their relationship ended, moreso than he needed to be with the horrible things Heidi said to him, and only flipped out after being bullied and teased and harassed by virtually the whole school, Cartman and Heidi especially. It was definitely not anger purely because he didn't get a girl he liked, it was anger that someone he'd trusted and tried to help so swiftly turned on him and humiliated him for no reason at all, that once again he was being put down by Cartman, and that everyone else treated him poorly as well, Stan included. There's also Rebecca who Kyle just... Kinda let go. Like, we don't really see much of his reaction but there's nothing to tell us Kyle was angry their relationship was broken off, so I'm counting it at least a little. There's Nichole too, who once again we don't really straight up see Kyle's reaction to her breaking up with him. But we do see how he treats her, how much he tries to find stuff they have in common to talk about, how his only anger of their relationship not working is Cartman's blatant racism and lies about him purposely made to sabotage any chances he does get with this girl that he likes. It's not anger towards whatever choice Nichole makes here, it's anger about Cartman's needless and morally egregious interference. I know this is a low bar to pass in whether a character is decent to women, but Kyle just repeatedly not behaving badly over his breakups is a big tell to me. So often we see male characters act like assholes just because a girl doesn't like them or a girl broke up with them or something. Even with Stan, in fact, we've seen this play out. I mean. He's pretty okay too but we did see him tell Wendy she was a bitch for dating someone else. This is from early seasons, that I wouldn't solely use as evidence Stan is a crazy sexist even now, but it plays a part in this conversation on whether or not you can more accurately call Stan Marsh the incel-ish one of the two.

Okay, but like. Why am I even talking so much about Kyle here when you're asking about Stan? Well, I honestly think that the duality of them as characters reinforces the ideas of what the other is like to the audience, and this leads into a LOT of the extremes the fandom will push them into (the fem/masc debate, the nerd/jock debate, etc etc) and likewise it does so here. When we see Kyle being kinda more normal around girls, even though it's rare we see him like that at all, it makes Stan seem all the more awkward when in reality, he kind of isn't that bad at all?? He's pretty normal with girls for a boy his age, though he could be a bit less of a dick sometimes. I do think he sometimes has this huge focus on looks, and that can be... Not great, but it's not to a horrible evil incel-ish degree by any means, and I'd argue for his age he's a pretty good guy to, say, Wendy- Not that he can't improve a LOT but Idk, his shittiness comes off more as "dumb little boy is sometimes a jerk to his friends" to me than "secretly hates and disrespects women".

But y'know, at the end of the day, Kyle and Stan are more alike than people think about many of these things, this being one of them. Whether or not Kyle or Stan are better with how they act to women is hard to say. I can see why people would be able to twist Kyle into being incel-ish even if I don't really personally think it's based accurately on the information we've been given. I can see even moreso how someone might be able to with Stan, and while I do think there's at least a bit more of a leg to stand on him having some issues with internalized sexism, I don't think it's accurate with the information we've been given either. Neither of them are really incel-ish to me.

Honestly, if they were dealing with the issue of not being able to find a partner, they'd probably mostly internalize it into self blame and feel bad about themselves but not really broadly blame other people. Stan might slump into a depression or put his focus elsewhere, Kyle, if wanting a partner badly enough (I don't think it's ever been his first priority and I doubt it ever will be) would make efforts to fix the problem by figuring out what's putting people off about himself and try to figure out how he can fix it rather than lashing out. (Also I already lightly touched on why I don't think Kyle would redo his actions in The List right here over not being able to get a girlfriend lol)

#devastatingly kyle has fallen into behavior that on the surface can be incel-ish looking if you don't read that deep into the show TWICE #which i think is also part of why he gets the incel/nice guy treatment from the fandom sometimes #though not too much so I think other ppl can agree Kyle just FEELS very normal around girls and i think that's bc he simply IS #even if ppl can't figure out exactly why he feels to them that way as a character #and then we have stan who rly hasn't fed into any surface level incel ideas but idk I've been seeing it a lot with him #it could be in part though just bc he shows so much attraction and interest in ppl he likes #he is so desperate about his love life sometimes that ig that can feel vaguely incel-y if ppl want it to be bad enough?#idk #sorry irambled about kyle so much it felt relevant #hope this all makes sense #also ty for calling me the kyle expertSDKFSDF aw #south park meta #me talking #ask #anon #kyle broflovski #stan marsh #have i made enough kyle defense meta posts about how he's not an incel to redeem myself from my incel kyle arc guys

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dear-wormwoods · 3 years ago

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Kyle's attitude toward mental health

Okay, I love Kyle to death, but I want to talk about one of his biggest apparent flaws in the show. I say 'apparent' because I think there is an underlying reason why his attitude about mental health seems less than ideal, but before I get into that I want to highlight some of the moments in which he reacts to mental health struggles.

The first time he's kind of confronted with someone who's really going through it is in Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut when he, Stan, and Kenny spy on Cartman having a tea party with his toys. Kyle's first instinct is to go make fun of him, and Stan says "No, dude. This look really serious. I think we'd better get help.", to which Kyle responds with a confused/surprised "Really?". After that, Kyle is the first one to suggest to Mr. Mackey that there's something wrong with Cartman, showing that he's on board with Stan's concerns - he just wasn't able to identify that there was something wrong on his own, initially. This, I think, is an example of Kyle being consistently shown, especially in the early seasons, to be a little more immature than the other boys in the sense that he doesn't understand adult subjects or themes, has interests that are more childish than the other boys, and is just generally a little behind. He's able to empathize with Cartman, at least momentarily, only after it's pointed out to him that there's probably something going on.

Later, in Raisins, Kyle is faced with Stan's heartbreak over Wendy and just... really doesn't get it. He wants to help, but tries things that only address the surface issue (Stan wants a girlfriend) rather than the actual issue (Stan is heartbroken over Wendy specifically). Kyle has only experienced one brief, meaningless crush at this point, and so he can't identify with Stan's struggle. He thinks that moving on should be easy. Stan's inability to move on, and his subsequent attachment to the goth kids, angers Kyle because he doesn't understand what's going on. His response to Stan's heartbreak and the goth kids' general attitude towards life is to just get over it, citing that there are other people in the world who have it much worse than them and know what "real pain" is. He then tells Stan to stop feeling sorry for himself, which Stan refuses.

The next time Kyle is confronted with a major mental health issue is when Stan starts hoarding in Insheeption. It's implied, by the fact that Wendy is the one to initially bring the issue up, that Kyle either hasn't noticed it yet or hasn't realized that there's something wrong. Like the example of Cartman's tea party, Kyle needs to be told there's an issue because he just doesn't know enough about psychology and mental health to recognize it on his own. But his response in this case, once he sees Stan's reaction to the hoarding expert, is to suggest that Stan talk to Mr. Mackey. At this point he's aware of the resources available to them and is able to understand that there's something wrong that needs to be addressed by an adult. At the end, Kyle is also able to point out that Stan's problem wasn't actually resolved and there must be something in his past that he's not dealing with, which I think shows growth in his understanding. I wouldn't be surprised if he spent the whole episode off screen, researching hoarding on his own time.

Then, obviously, there's Ass Burgers. When confronted by Wendy, Kyle says of Stan's depression, "I've tried, Wendy. I've called him, I've been to his house. But since his diagnosis, all he's done is gotten worse." This demonstrates that Kyle is 1) taking Stan's diagnosis seriously, even if we all as viewers know it's the wrong diagnosis and 2) that he's been actively trying to be there for Stan and knows it's not helping. He then says, "I can't keep doing it, Wendy. I know he has an illness, but goddamn, it's like being around a black hole that just sucks the life out of everything." And then, "All his negativity is starting to make me depressed. I have to let him go. And whatever happens next, I'm going to embrace with a totally positive attitude." Kyle has tried to be there for Stan in between YGO and AB, but Stan's depression is having a negative impact on Kyle's own mental health. Kyle's choice here isn't the wrong one - he's putting up a boundary to protect himself. It's not that he's unsympathetic to Stan's problem, in fact he's taking it very seriously, it's that he recognizes that HE can't personally help and continuing to try to be there for Stan is making him depressed. Again he has a very "just get over it" attitude, but this time it's not directed at Stan, it's directed at himself. He's telling Wendy that he has to get over his own feelings and force himself to have a positive attitude.

He again takes this "positive attitude" approach in the Mysterion trilogy when Kenny is clearly in distress and trying to explain his curse to the boys. Kyle's attempt to comfort him involves telling him it's actually pretty cool to not be able to die. This obviously doesn't go over well with Kenny, who just wants to be understood. I don't think Kyle is trying to be dismissive, I think he really thinks he's helping by trying to get Kenny to change his perspective, but it comes off the wrong way.

In Buddha Box, he says, "I got news for you, Cartman! Everyone has anxiety! Everyone gets nervous! Everyone is afraid being around people! Everyone has feelings they'd rather stay home alone! And you know what they do? They get over it. And they stop being a piece of shit!". Again, Kyle's response to someone apparently struggling is to tell them to get over it and have a different attitude. Obviously Cartman is misusing the term anxiety to have an excuse to be on his phone, and Kyle recognizes that, but the way he goes about telling him off sounds very dismissive of people who actually have anxiety - at least on the surface. If you read into that little rant, there's more to it than that, which I'll get to later.

I think Kyle's attitude toward mental health is more complicated than it seems. He's not very good at problem identification, but once a problem makes itself known he can go one of two ways: he tries to help, or he takes a more 'just get over it' stance. The former, I think, is his natural response - he might suck at helping because he's a kid and not a professional therapist, but he usually does TRY, at least, before giving up because he can't help. The latter, in my opinion, is a direct result of Gerald Broflovski's parenting style and general attitude toward Kyle. Going all the way back to Chickenpox, we have Gerald's moronic 'gods and clods' take on society. He thinks that some people are deserving of success and others aren't, which he tells Kyle, who then unthinkingly parrots that attitude in his essay because he places so much trust in his parents' opinions. Then, cut to season 20's Oh, Jeez, when Gerald says "Kyle, you've gotta lighten the fuck up, buddy. Every day with you it's 'Dad, I feel guilty about this. Dad, I'm so confused about that.' You're a kid. You're supposed to just laugh and make fun of shit. Stop being such a pussy, okay pal? Fuck." Sound familiar? Gerald's response to Kyle's distress and anxiety is to 'just get over it'. It makes sense to me, then, to assume that this is Gerald's general attitude toward people who struggle. Keeping in mind that Gerald is successful and wants to curate the image of success, I think that's why he's SO dismissive of Kyle's problems - it's super common for parents to have the attitude of "other people have it worse than you, you have nothing to be sad/anxious about, so get over it". This is the kind of attitude Gerald seems to have, so I think when KYLE says things like that, he is parroting his father just like he did with the 'gods and clods' thing. I don't think this is Kyle's natural reaction to people who are struggling, I think that it's a trained response. Gerald thinks that people who are struggling are just pussies and shuts down/is actively annoyed by his child who is pretty consistently in distress for one reason or another. Kyle isn't allowed to feel sad or anxious at home, so he turns around and demands that other people stop feeling that way too.

Which brings me to my next point - Kyle has his own struggles with mental health. He's first of all susceptible to depression, as he says in Ass Burgers. Not everyone will get depressed after being around a depressed person, but Kyle has to distance himself from Stan because Stan's mental health is impacting his own mental health. This is a common reaction for people who are already struggling or have a predisposition to it. In addition, Kyle's response to Cartman's "anxiety" in Buddha Box is really telling. Kyle is under the impression that EVERYONE experiences anxiety, which just isn't true - he only thinks that because HE experiences anxiety and has convinced himself it's just part of everyone's life experience. Kyle basically admits in his little rant to Cartman that he is constantly nervous and afraid of being around people (which makes sense, considering what he's been through and how people generally treat him, especially in the later seasons). He says that "everyone" just gets over it and what he means by that is that he, personally, is still high functioning despite his anxiety. He's convinced himself that his experiences are universal, which they aren't.

Kyle is consistently shown throughout the series to be plagued by guilt, doubt, and phobias (such as in Turd Burglars). He also faces a lot of stress from Cartman's constant abuse, feels the weight of religious and moral expectations on his shoulders, and is under a ton of pressure from his parents to perform well in school and be a good son. On top of that, he's been through a lot of traumatic experiences (which is true for a lot of the kids in South Park, and they all deal with it differently). His peers are generally not very sympathetic to him (yes that includes Stan, lately), and neither is his father, so he's in turn not allowing himself to address his own issues. He's internalized this "other people have it worse" and "stop being a pussy" attitude and has convinced himself that it's selfish to struggle, or that everyone else is in the same boat so there's no point in talking about it.

So in short, Kyle's attitude toward mental health is likely a direct result of what he's been taught at home, and he has his own mental health struggles that he's actively not dealing with. He needs a therapist.

#south park #sp meta #kyle broflovski #my meta #meta

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hlizr50 · 3 years ago

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You Belong with Me

Azriel and his brothers are high-power executives, and while the Valkyrie ladies always attend the fancy dinners and events, Gwyn is NOT wealthy and is the only one who isn't attached to someone who is. When Gwyn volunteers to take Azriel to the cabin early to prep for their big family/friends vacation, they have a conversation about how she might have to cut back. Add in banter and hours of Gwyn unabashedly belting Taylor Swift, and Az realizes that not having her around is just not an option.

Guys... I've never cared for AU, never been big into song lyrics. But my soul just needed this to be a thing. So here it is.

Read on AO3

“You sure this thing is gonna get us there?” Azriel’s smug grin only earned an eyeroll from the redhead on the other side of the car, opening the driver’s side door.

“Just put your shit in the trunk and get in the car,” she huffed across the weathered blue of the roof. He chuckled, slinging his suitcase into the trunk as the door slammed – maybe with a little extra force. He loved poking at her, and he knew she would dish it right back. After closing the trunk he returned to the open door on the passenger’s side and lowered himself into the well-worn leather seat. “You know not all of us are fortunate enough to be high-level executives at multi-million dollar companies. But rest assured that this historical document restoration expert and her 16-year-old Toyota with 154000 miles are going to get you to the cabin safe and sound. Because you insisted on getting there a day early to make sure everything is secure.” Gwyn deepened her voice, giving him her best Azriel impersonation. And maybe he was being a bit… overzealous. But he had always been the most keenly aware, the most protective. He may have been CFO, but he was also deeply involved in security – both from the standpoint of the organization and of it’s employees. And his family.

He simply smirked, “If you say so.”

“You’re insufferable,” she groaned, turning the key. The car rumbled to life, and Azriel had to admit that he was impressed with how quiet it still seemed to run. He was sure Gwyn was a stickler about maintenance. “Just for that, you are sentenced to three hours of me serenading you with the best songs Taylor Swift has to offer.”

“Oh, Gods, anything but Taylor Swift.” Azriel grimaced, hiding the secret joy he rarely let her see. He loved it when she sang. Her voice was lovely, of course, but what hit him harder was how she seemed to radiate joy when she did it.

Gwyneth Berdara wasn’t quiet and shy like he tended to be – not by a long shot. She was irreverent and blunt and bold. But he could see the shadows that hid just behind the shimmer in her eyes – he could tell there were demons there. Her sister had been murdered four years before, in the apartment they both had shared, and it had wounded her deeply. Nesta had mentioned that there was more to the story, but that it was only Gwyn’s to tell. So, yes, she definitely had darkness that followed her, but she kept it well hidden. He’d learned, as they had become friends, that she often grew anxious in large crowds or chaotic environments. She didn’t feel safe, and that had always bothered him. Regardless of how many people were around or how crazy it was, her friends were there with her. He was there. Whatever it was that kept her so on edge, he imagined that the lingering sadness in that deep ocean gaze and the faraway wistful look that sometimes passed over her features were a part of it.

But when she sang she was a beacon of light, with the brightest smile and rosy, freckle-flecked cheeks.

“Don’t you dare disrespect the goddess T. Swift,” she glowered, and as they pulled onto the highway he lost himself in the lilting notes of her car concert.

He wasn’t sure how long they’d been driving – at least seven works of the goddess T. Swift – when he reached for the volume knob on the console and turned it down.

“Are you coming to the charity gala in a couple weeks?” Azriel looked over at her, noting the light stain of pink gracing her cheeks. She kept her eyes on the road.

“Oh… No.” Gwyn glanced over at him and gave a tight smile, causing him to purse his lips.

“Why not?”

“Az,” she chided, throwing him a stern look. “It’s too expensive. I can’t afford a seat and a dress. Hell, I probably can’t even afford one or the other.” He stayed silent, mulling over the understanding that money wasn’t something he ever had to worry about, and how he could make that not a problem for her. “Besides, you know how I am with crowds like that. I’d probably just have an attack and ruin everyone’s night.” She tried to laugh it off, and that troubled Azriel even more. Because she had seemed disappointed just then when she said she wasn’t going.

“Do you want to go, Gwyn?” He prodded. I want you to go. She sighed, adjusting herself in her seat to straighten her back.

“It doesn’t matter. Like I said, it’s really not possible for me.” She shrugged, as if that was it.

But that wasn’t it. Everyone was going to be there. She should be there, too. She should be there, with him.

“You know we would help –“

“I know, Az. But I’m not asking you, or Rhys. I’m not asking anyone. I can’t keep depending on everyone else just to go to events and dinners and whatever else.” She sucked in a breath. “I just… I don’t live the same life that the rest of you do. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just how it is.”

“Gwyn, you know nobody cares about that.” Azriel frowned. “I understand that my family is… fortunate. Privileged. But you and Nesta and Emerie are a part of us.”

“It’s not the same, Azriel.” Azriel. The full name. This was more serious than he realized. “Nesta is with Cassian and Emerie is with Mor. It makes sense that maybe they’re taken care of. I’m just… a friend. A friend who is poor.” He opened his mouth to argue but she beat him to it. “And it’s not just about covering food… you go to places with dress codes and too many forks for dinner, and with the company’s increasing success the three of you are only growing more popular and more press-worthy. Especially you.”

“Me?” Azriel swallowed, brows furrowed. “Why especially me?”

Gwyn cast him a pointed look, eyes dark and serious. “You’re the last single brother, Az. You are eligible bachelor number one. All the single ladies in the metropolitan area, if not further out, will be pining for you. If they’re not already.”

Eligible bachelor number one. He rolled his eyes. “I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration.”

“Oh Az. Sweet, precious, innocent Az. Have you seen yourself? You’re gorgeous. You’re wealthy, successful, and absolutely beautiful.” Azriel raised a brow and gave her a sideways glance, but she was so stubbornly keeping her eyes trained ahead. It was responsible, of course. She was driving. But not even a peek meant that she was intentionally avoiding looking over at him. The corners of his mouth turned downward, not quite understanding how this conversation had gone the way it had.

“Is that so? Please, tell me more,” he snickered. If there was anything that he knew, it was how to draw her back with teasing. She wouldn’t back down from a challenge, and Gwyneth Berdara was ruthless when it came to having the last word. The corner of her mouth twitched, and he knew she was doing her best not to smile.

“I hate you so much,” she huffed.

“Now, I don’t think that’s even remotely true.” He reached out to pinch the apple of her cheek, but she slapped his hand away, sending a glower that only made him laugh.

“The single ladies can have you. Maybe you’ll find someone else to annoy.”

“Aw, Gwynnie. You know nobody could ever replace you.” And even though it was in jest, it was also… true. “And what would you do without me?”

“Get some peace and quiet for once?” And when the redhead turned with that scrunched freckled nose and her tongue stuck out at him Azriel was relieved to have the playful girl – his best friend – wearing a smile again. “Now shut it or sing along, you have not been punished with nearly enough of our lady Taylor Swift.”

And so the ride continued, but Azriel chewed on his lower lip, contemplating everything Gwyn had said. She was fiercely independent, so he could understand how she might not want to accept what she might perceive as charity, or worse, pity. But the idea of her just not being there… it made something inside of him feel hollow. He reached out and turned down the volume again.

“Why wouldn’t you say anything? About where we’re going to dinner? Or about not being comfortable at big events?” He didn’t even try to hide that he was staring at her, trying to pinpoint any reaction she may have. Once again pink stained her cheeks.

“Az, it’s not like you guys are going to stop going to fancy restaurants so you can come to Wendy’s with me. I don’t want to take away from anyone’s fun.” Fucking ridiculous.

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe we would have less fun without you there?” Azriel tried to keep his tone light, but his temper was flaring. He wasn’t sure why, but it bothered him that she would think she could just… not be there and they would all just go on like it didn’t matter.

“Of course I did,” Gwyn shrugged nonchalantly and threw him a wink. “I know it will be hard but I’m sure you’ll manage somehow. Besides, I don’t plan on just disappearing. I just… need to be more thoughtful about what I’m doing. I’ll just be around… less.” She turned the volume back up and jumped straight into the lyrics, not giving him the opportunity to tell her how preposterous she sounded.

Azriel leaned back in his seat, losing himself in thought with Gwyn’s lovely voice still soothing him in the background. He didn’t know how long he’d been brooding when the volume increased dramatically, blaring through the interior. Looking over he found her tapping on the steering wheel and swaying to the beat of her majesty Taylor Swift. Her eyes were shining, her smile was brilliant, and she sang like she didn’t have a care in the world.

You’re on the phone with your girlfriend, she’s upset

She’s going off about something that you said

‘Cause she doesn’t get your humor like I do

I’m in my room, it’s a typical Tuesday night

I’m listening to the kind of music she doesn’t like

And she’ll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts

She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers

Dreaming ‘bout the day when you wake up and find

That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you,

Been here all along, so why can’t you see

You belong with me

Walkin’ the streets with you and your worn-out jeans

I can’t help thinking this is how it ought to be

Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself

Hey, isn’t this easy?

And you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town

I haven’t seen it in awhile since she brought you down

You say you’re fine, I know you better than that

Hey, what you doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers

She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers

Dreaming ‘bout the day when you wake up and find

That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you,

Been here all along, so why can’t you see

You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door

All this time how could you not know, baby?

You belong with me

Azriel felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he was seeing Gwyn for the first time. Unbridled joy, laughter when she turned to him when she was singing, dancing in the driver’s seat like a passenger’s worst nightmare.

And he couldn’t help but listen to the words, too. Surely that part was coincidence, but he couldn’t help but feel like she was speaking to him… something was speaking to him.

He grinned as she shimmied her shoulders and rocked her head from side to side, wisps of copper flying away from her ponytail.

Oh, I remember you drivin’ to my house in the middle of the night

I’m the one who makes you laugh even though you’re ‘bout to cry

I know your favorite songs and you tell me ‘bout your dreams

Think I know where you belong, think I know it’s with me

Can’t you see that I’m the one that understands you

Been here all along, so why can’t you see

You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door

All this time, how could you not know baby?

You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe

You belong with me

“Gosh I think I went too hard on that one. I’m out of breath!” she laughed, and she glanced toward Azriel in the passenger seat. “Have you had enough yet, Az?”

“Never,” he murmured, and her breath caught. She turned her focus back to the road, but kept stealing looks back at him. She seemed unsure of how to respond, but he was also lost in his own head.

He didn’t want to be the eligible bachelor. He didn’t want to annoy anyone else. He knew that he had cared for Gwyn as more than a friend for a long time – Nesta and Cassian had always encouraged him to do something about it. Nesta in particular had assured him that Gwyn felt the same way. But no matter how much Azriel had flirted she never seemed to acknowledge it, never seemed inclined to do something about it. They bantered and challenged and laughed, but never more.

But Nesta continued to be insistent. She told Azriel that there were some things about Gwyn that might keep her from acting upon her affection for him, and maybe he should make the first move. He never had, of course, for fear of rejection and fear of ruining the relationship that they had.

But now suddenly he was looking at a future where she wasn’t always there. He didn’t like the thought of that. He would go to Wendy’s for dinner instead of whatever black-tie restaurant had their reservation. But, furthermore, he would take care of her, like Cassian took care of Nesta. He wouldn’t go to events without her, and he would make sure that she was comfortable and safe while she was there. Because he would keep her close. He would always keep her close.

By the time Gwyn was pulling the car onto the driveway leading to the cabin she was only singing quietly to herself and letting him sit in his own silent thought. And as soon as she parked and turned off the car he knew exactly what he needed to do.

Without a word he ripped off the seatbelt and burst out of the car, slamming the door behind him. He was already crossing across the front when Gwyn popped out.

“What the hell, Az? The car is 16 years old you can’t just slam doors like that –“

Azriel grabbed the back of her neck and crushed his lips to hers. Gods, they were perfect – warm and lush. She inhaled shakily against his mouth and he tugged at her bottom lip with his teeth. He swept his lips across hers once again before pulling away only slightly, resting his forehead against her own. They were both breathing hard, and her expression nearly sent him to his knees. Gwyn’s teal eyes were wide, shining with surprise and confusion. Her lips were swollen and her freckled cheeks stained crimson. Azriel wasn’t going to give himself enough time to question this, though.

“You’re coming to the gala,” he insisted, gaze flitting wildly between her lips and her eyes before drowning in the ocean pools. “I’m buying your ticket. On our way home after this weekend we’ll go shopping for a dress. And no matter what you wear you will be the most exquisite thing there.”

Gwyn looked up at him, chest still heaving and eyes still wide, and nodded.

“And you’re coming to every dinner and event and anything else after that. Because, no matter what you might think, I don’t want to be there if you’re not there.”

“Az –“

“And when you’re there, you won’t think about money or crowds. Because I’ll be there. I’m going to take care of you and make sure you’re safe. Because I don’t just want you to be there with all of us. I want you to be there with me. Okay, Gwyn?” His eyes bore into hers, willing her to understand, to see what was in his heart.

“Okay,” she nodded. Her breaths had quieted, her eyes were warm, and there was a ghost of a smile there. And Azriel dared to hope that Nesta had been right, and all he’d needed was to take the leap.

“Can I kiss you again, Gwyn?” he asked.

“Please,” she giggled at him, smile widening. He leaned in, this time with much more restraint and care, slanting his lips over her soft ones and gently moving against them. When he pulled away his face was plastered with a shit-eating grin, which grew impossibly bigger when he saw her blushing.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” he laughed, still not believing that he had done all that, and that it had… worked?

“I… I’ve wanted you to do that for a long time.” Gwyn sighed and then dragged her bottom lip between her teeth. “So… so just to be clear. You want me… to be…?” Azriel chuckled and ran his hands down her arms and then tangling their fingers together.

“I want to date you. I want you to be my girlfriend. I don’t want to aggravate any other single ladies. I don’t want to be an eligible bachelor. I just want you. We can go to fancy dinners or charity events or the finest fast food restaurants in the metropolitan area.” He pressed his lips to her forehead and then kissed her cheek. “Will you?”

“Yes,” she breathed. “Of course, Az.” He bent his head and kissed her again. He couldn’t get enough of it. It was like he was making up for lost time.

“As her holy highness Taylor Swift said, you belong with me,” Azriel grinned devilishly. “I can’t help but be suspicious that you planned that… planned to make me fall for your beautiful voice and how adorable you are.” Gwyn tilted her head back and laughed, nearly a cackle full of amusement and contentment.

“I did not plan it, but I’m not going to complain about how it turned out.”

#gwynriel supremacy #gwynriel fanfic #gwynriel #gwyn singing taylor swift is a mood #and she totally would #not my usual style

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lunaajade · 4 years ago

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Everything You Need to Know about “Shadow and Bone” on Netflix (*UPDATED: POSSIBLE LANGUAGE OF THORNS ADAPTATION INFO)

Since it’s recently been confirmed that we’d be getting S&B content in a few days (finally!), I thought I’d compile and summarize as much info as I could to refresh everyone’s memories! Please spread the word/share this post to those who aren’t up to date! (I’ve seen some people online who are worried about how it’s going to turn out, and I’d like to be able to hopefully reassure those people)

Now, there’s a LOT of stuff, so there’s always the chance I missed/forgot something. This post will be split up into categories based on type of info, so here we go! I went back and listened to/watched both of the big live streams (NYCC and the S&B Charity Competition), went on the Grishaverse Reddit, etc. to find as much (extra/bonus) stuff as I could. (If I missed anything/got something wrong, please feel free to leave a comment!)

Update: A lot of people have been asking where it was confirmed we were getting content soon. I found out from one of the update accounts I follow.

Thanks for reading, everyone!

General/Key Info About the Show

-This first season will be adapting both “Shadow and Bone” and what has been dubbed a “Book 0″ (most likely meaning prequel/backstory/set-up) for “Six of Crows” -In relation to the above point, the timelines are being brought together for the show. (Normally in the books, the two series are set two years apart)(We don’t know how exactly or what this means for the story, but I have a really interesting theory that I thought up in relation to this, message me if you’d like to hear it.) -Leigh acknowledges and understands that some of us have doubts and are worried about the show, but she has publicly assured us (numerous times) of how much she loves the show and cast, how well she thinks the crew/writers did in bringing the Grishaverse to life, etc. See a later point below in the Facts/Tidbits section -The first season will have 8, one-hour long episodes -Alina has been made half Shu (half Asian) for the show! Leigh stated that was decided on after she and Eric had a lengthy discussion on Alina’s character. -The main cast (as in confirmed to be in all episodes) is comprised of Jessie Mei Li (as Alina), Archie Renaux (as Mal), Ben Barnes (as the Darkling), Freddy Carter (as Kaz), Amita Suman (as Inej), and Kit Young (as Jesper) -Wylan and Nikolai are NOT in the first season. (Nikolai didn’t appear until the second book, and Leigh confirmed that at this point in the story, the Crows had not met Wylan yet.) -Other cast members include Danielle Galligan (as Nina), Calahan Skogman (as Matthias), Daisy Head (as Genya), Sujaya Dasgupta (as Zoya), Luke Pasqualino (as David), Julian Kostov (as Fedyor), Simon Sears (as Ivan), Zoe Wanamaker (as Baghra), and more! -The Darkling will also be called “General Kirigan” in the show. From what we know, The Darkling will be the “enemy” to Ravka (so in essence, General Kirigan is his alias/fake persona (what he’ll most likely be referred to for most of the show), and no one knows that he’s actually their enemy. (Meaning it’ll most likely a super big moment when they learn their general was actually the Darkling in disguise)). -The show was shot on location in Budapest, Hungary. (And additional filming took place this past fall in Vancouver) -In order, the 8 episodes are titled the following: “A Searing Burst of Light”, “We’re All Someone’s Monster”, “The Making at the Heart of the World”, “Otkazat’sya”, “Show Me Who You Are”, “The Heart is An Arrow”, “The Unsea”, & “No Mourners”.

Other (Fun) Facts/Tidbits About the Show

-Upon seeing Jessie’s audition, Leigh loved her audition/portrayal of Alina so much that she apparently stated that she wanted her to play Alina or she’d be out of the project. She was sent five auditions to watch, Jessie’s was the third, and she said she didn’t bother watching the rest of them. -Leigh stated that she and Eric Heisserer (the creator of the show) said they were on the same page from the first meeting. All other past meetings with producers and companies about possible adaptations had left her with a bad feeling, but she said they’d had the same ideas about inclusion, story, staff, etc. She said she’s loved the respect he’s shown towards the work (and, in a way, to us the fans) -Netflix apparently also has the rights to adapt “The Language of Thorns” , though we’ve gotten no info on that adaptation yet. (UPDATE: I just watched a Leigh Bardugo event from Feb 2019 (a few weeks after the show was first announced, I think): As of that day, she said that she thought that they were going to use LoT more for "texture” (IMO that might mean worldbuilding?) in the show. And I don’t know if she was talking about LoT specifically because she was very vague, but she said that there were certain things in the show that she thinks readers will be really excited about. Again, this was over a year ago, back when they were still in pre-production and stuff, so don’t take my word for it. Besides this, I couldn’t find anything else relating to a possible LoT adaptation. Maybe they’ll have the stories from LoT appear as actual folk tales told in the show, and that’s the “adaptation”? IDK. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpHnw8Ygw5c&t=1906s)) -Leigh is an exec. producer on the show! I’m no expert, so I don’t know how much say/power she had in the process, but she definitely had some. -There is a RAVKAN edition of the “Shadow and Bone” book that Leigh says makes a cameo in the show! -Jesper’s guns had custom etchings done on them by a Hungarian antique gunsmith! (And they were so good that Leigh and Eric said that it looked like it belonged in a museum--they were also described to be quite heavy!) -Eric Heisserer is the creator of the show, he is an award-winning writer, well known for “Arrival”, “Bird Box”, and more. (If I remember correctly, Leigh said that he’d reached out to her about making the show!) -A DeKappel painting (maybe the one owned by Van Eck?) was confirmed to be in the pilot episode. -Pekka Rollins and Tante Heleen have been confirmed to be in the first season, but their casting has (up to this point) not yet been revealed. -Bo Yul-Bayur is confirmed to be in the show! (Though Kuwei has not) -Leigh will have a cameo in (I think) Episode 5! She will be wearing a Materialki kefta and will be opening a door, if I remember correctly. -A lot of the crew was also extremely passionate about the project and fans of the books -The “Lives of Saints” book that was published in October is an actual book/prop that is appearing in the show! -I’m personally fine with Mal, but Leigh says that Archie is going to change everyone’s minds with his portrayal! -The costume designer for the show is Wendy Partridge, known for her work on “Thor: The Dark World”, “Pompeii”, and more! -The composer for the show is Joe Trapanese, known for composing for “The Greatest Showman”, “Straight Outta Compton”, “Lady and the Tramp”, and more! At the NYCC Grishaverse panel, they revealed a little bit of the score (”Grisha Theme”): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFxIEbsHKJA

Fun Cast/On Set Stories/Facts

-The cast all loves each other, and are all extremely passionate about this show, which is great! (Leigh said that on her second visit to the set, she heard them singing together) -Leigh says that Ben Barnes once snuck up behind her on her first day on set and scared her by whispering “Fine, make me your villain” -Freddy’s favorite Grishaverse book is “Six of Crows”, but most specifically the first line of chapter 2 (”Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason.”) -Jessie would apparently come to set on some of her days off to support the cast and crew! -Sujaya has stated that her favorite Grishaverse character is Nikolai! (#Zoyalai) -Freddy has become famous/popular with the fandom, one of the reasons being because he often comments on posts/live streams asking something along the lines of “What was it like working with Freddy Carter? xoxo” -Danielle loves Nina and her journey in “King of Scars” -According to a Tweet, Freddy and Leigh said that there had been a scene with “a very pesky gate”--Freddy said that it “wouldn’t be proper to tweet the expletives [he] used that day” and that he thinks he “scarred” Amita and Eric. -Amita’s favorite thing about Inej is her silence, and her favorite Grishaverse book is “Six of Crows” (as of May, where we learned this during a live-stream, she said she’s read it three times and listened to the audiobook twice.) -There was a waffle truck on set on the last day of shooting! -Calahan says that if he could play any other Grishaverse character, he’d want to play Nikolai! -While she did work with the trainer to get more physically fit, Amita learned most of her knife techniques by herself! -Leigh said she cried a lot while on set! (She said there was one scene they were shooting that she has a very clear, vivid memory of writing many years back--based on the context of which she was talking about it, if I had to guess, I’d guess she’s describing the Winter Fete.) -Leigh also said that on one of her first days on set, it was funny/weird to see all the extras in First Army uniforms chilling on their phones, drinking coffee, etc. -One of Calahan’s favorite character dynamics in the books is the dynamic between Kaz and Matthias -There was a moment where Amita was fully in costume and doing amazing, graceful knife work, only to trip and fall when she’d finished. -Amita and Jessie and Sujaya were best friends on set. -Sujaya loved everything about playing Zoya. (Especially her confidence) -Leigh says one of her favorite props was Kaz’s cane, especially because of what it meant to her and the story. -If he could be any Grisha order, Calahan says he’d want to be a Corporalki -Calahan loves Matthias’s journey/arc. -Kit’s favorite Grishaverse book is “Crooked Kingdom”!

Links

-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X65iI1YXrbU (NYCC Grishaverse Panel) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHou5rVs6o0 (S&B Talent Show Charity Live Stream ft. the S&B Cast!--the IG video got taken down because Archie deleted his IG account and switched to a new one) -https://www.netflix.com/title/80236319 (”Shadow and Bone” on Netflix!) -https://twitter.com/shadowandbone_ (Official “Shadow and Bone” Twitter!) -https://www.instagram.com/shadowandbone/?hl=en (Official “Shadow and Bone” Instagram!) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRh-Pmbynww (Annoucement made by cast when filming wrapped! (can be found on the social media accounts, but here’s a link to YT)) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bpY8uLtyB4 (A S&B Cast Crack video by HeartPhantom--it highlights a lot of the inside jokes and memes that we’ve gotten to witness among the cast, and also just generally shows off how hilariously chaotic everyone is (this cast is the definition of chaotic good, lol))

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rexisnotyourwriter · 4 years ago

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by @rexalexander and @postcardsanddaydreaming

After the Atlanta child murders, the Behavioral Science Unit is as busy as ever. With a new team member by their side, they take on what feels like a growing number of active serial killers as well as continue their interviews of already incarcerated subjects. Bill tries to track down Nancy and Brian with the hopes of repairing his marriage, while Wendy tries to take on a more active role in their research with an eager budding protégé at her side.

Read on AO3

*If you enjoy this, please like/reblog on tumblr and/or leave kudos/comments on AO3. Your feedback helps keep fic writers writing.*

Notes: As always, thanks to my beta fish @hardythehermitcrab

Chapter 2: Feeling Like a Loner

The bell rang. The class full of children emptied in a flurry of squeals. The teacher breathed a sigh of relief, but stopped when she noticed she wasn’t alone. A pair of mousy braids sat by the window watching her peers spill out into the playground like ants under a log. They scattered, dispersing themselves amongst the jungle gym, the hopscotch marked concrete, and the small patch of grass they called a field.

The teacher softly called her name.

They’d had this conversation before, usually ending with her forfeiting her smoke break to stay in the classroom.

The girl didn’t turn around.

“You have to go outside today,” she added. “It’s a beautiful day. And look at those clouds. I think that one looks like a cow.”

The girl didn’t move.

“Sweetie.” The teacher put a hand on her shoulder. The girl finally turned to face her. “Why don’t you go outside, hmm?”

“Why?”

“Why? Because it’s fun. Look. Look at all the fun they’re having.”

The girl looked back out the window and contemplated.

“That doesn’t look fun to me,” she concluded, matter-of-factly.

“You need to go outside today.”

“Why?”

“Because teachers need a break, too, and I can’t supervise you in here,” she responded bluntly.

“Oh,” the girl replied. “Okay.”

She got up from her seat and grabbed her neatly folded cardigan from the cubby.

Once outside, she found a good vantage point - a mostly flat rock at the edge of the field where she can see most of the schoolyard.

A group of boys were playing jacks. They’d made it to foursies, from what she could tell. Another boy hovered around them asking to join, but they ignored him.

The girl turned away from them and took a rubber ball out of the front pocket of her overalls. She bounced it against the ground on her own. Then, she turned back to the boys, still steadily bouncing her ball. She watched. When the time was right, she launched her ball into their game, knocking the jacks out of a boy’s hand. They yelled. She caught her ball without missing a beat.

The girl smiled, then turned her attention to the jungle gym. Almost ten children were winding their bodies between the bars, some resting on levels, others climbing to the highest perch. The few children in the center looked like they were imprisoned. An acrobatic cage. One boy made it to the top, or rather almost. His feet were on the second highest bars, his hands on the highest. He put one foot up on the high bar and tested his balance, releasing the pressure on his other grounded foot. His hand slipped, but he got his grip in time to only suffer a minor embarrassment (one of his friends saw, and proceeded to laugh). The boy climbed down after that.

She looked down at her cream colored Mary Janes and tapped her toes together. In the corner of her eye, inching toward her, was a remarkably fuzzy caterpillar. It bobbed up and down like a wave, growing closer and closer to the shore of her shoe.

“I got it,” someone yelled.

Then thud.

The caterpillar disappeared under a grass stained sneaker belonging to the boy who “got it”. “It” was a rubber ball, and the boy she recognized as the one whose turn at jacks was interrupted.

He ran back to his friends, taking no notice of her or his victim. The insect, upon inspection, hadn’t been entirely crushed, and was still wriggling. She gingerly scooped it up with a sturdy leaf and rested it in one hand while she cupped her other around it like a shield. She watched it writhe with increasing intensity, then intermittently, then not at all.

--------------------------------------------------------

On the following Monday morning, Bill was surprised to see that he had beat Holden in to work.

He poked his head in Wendy’s office.

“Captain America not in yet?”

“No,” she replied, barely looking up from the page in front of her.

“Maybe he finally got lucky,” Bill joked.

He got a smirk out of her that time.

Bill turned around and, seeing that Gregg was preoccupied with a phone call, didn’t bother closing the door.

“I’m going up to talk to Gunn,” he said softly.

“Good.” She paused. “Do you know what you’re going to tell him?”

“Marital problems.”

Wendy nodded her approval.

Gregg’s voice got louder from the hallway.

“Is he still on the phone?” Wendy asked.

Bill turned to confirm. “Yup.”

Wendy closed her file.

“This is ridiculous. We can’t be expected to assist in every single murder case across the country. We can’t even keep up with the inquiries.”

“What did Gunn say?”

She rolled her eyes.

“I haven’t really mentioned it, not explicitly. He’s not exactly receptive to my ideas. Knowing him, he would probably ask why Gregg was the one dealing with it and suggest I take over secretarial duties.”

“He’s not that bad, is he?”

Wendy’s eyes flicked up at him. Her look said it all.

“I’ll talk to him,” Bill decided. “Tell him we need to hire someone.”

“Thank you.”

He nodded.

Holden speed walked into the office, his forehead glistening with sweat.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Bill greeted.

Wendy got up from her desk and joined Bill in the doorway.

“Sorry,” Holden muttered breathlessly.

“Is everything alright?” Wendy asked.

“What? Oh, yeah. I had to take the bus, but I forgot my wallet at home and…It’s been a morning.”

“How’s your car?”

“What happened to your car?” Bill interjected.

Holden, still exasperated, dropped his briefcase on the desk with a thud.

“It wouldn’t start when I went to leave the bar on Friday, so Wendy gave me a ride home.”

Bill threw a side-eyed glance at Wendy who wrinkled her nose in subtle disgust.

No, Bill.

“I got it towed to the shop on Saturday,” Holden continued, “but it wasn’t a dead battery. Turns out I need a new timing belt, and they couldn’t get one in until today. I have to pick it up in a couple hours because they close early, and when I called this morning it still wasn’t ready, which is why I had to take the bus. Hence…” He gestured to his state of disarray and exhaled.

“Happy Monday,” Wendy said before disappearing back into her office.

Bill got roped into a case that delayed his plan to talk to Gunn. It was almost 11am before he was finally able to go upstairs. Nearly 23 minutes later, Bill returned to the basement where Holden and Wendy appeared to be waiting for him. The pair looked at him expectantly.

“It went fine,” Bill admitted. “He gave me some sympathy about ‘the old ball and chain’ and poured me a finger of whiskey. As long as we stay on track and deliver, we’re good.”

“That’s great, Bill,” Holden said.

“And Gunn agreed about hiring an assistant,” Bill added, to Wendy’s relief. “A non-agent, but someone who can deal with the sensitive matter. He said he would talk to you about it.”

Wendy’s face dropped.

“Why me?”

Bill opened his mouth to explain, but stopped. He couldn’t find the right words.

She understood.

“Of course,” she added bitterly. Because I’m the woman.

Sometimes she missed Boston.

“Oh, shoot,” Holden exclaimed, noticing the time. “I gotta go.”

“Did you send that profile to Osborn?” Bill asked.

“Yeah, I just faxed it over,” he replied, already halfway out the door.

“Kids,” Bill joked, shaking his head.

“So, how’d it really go?” Wendy inquired.

“It really did go fine,” he replied sincerely. “Better than expected, honestly.”

“But?”

Bill sat on the edge of the desk.

“I guess I still feel…uneasy about the situation with Brian. How would it look if the FBI found out my kid was involved in a murder.”

“But he wasn’t, Bill. They concluded he wasn’t responsible. It’s on the record.”

“I know. And I know that logically he thought the cross was a good idea,” he admitted. “I just don’t feel good about it. And now I can’t even keep an eye on him. I don’t know if he’s still wetting the bed. Or if he’s started sucking his thumb again, or if he’s spoken at all.”

Wendy offered him a sympathetic smile.

“From what you’ve told me, it seems likely that the regressions are a result of the traumatic experience. Nothing more.”

“I just feel so helpless.”

They sat in silence, neither knowing what else to say.

“If there’s anything I can do,” Wendy offered.

“Thanks. Really. I’m glad you’re around.”

Bill got up to leave.

Wendy passed by the fax machine on the way back to her office and picked up the pages of the profile Holden faxed to Alaska. She scanned the page, then stopped.

That little-

There was a knock.

“All by your lonesome, Dr. Carr?”

“Not anymore,” Wendy muttered under her breath.

She turned around to see Gunn standing in the doorway.

“I don’t know if Bill had a chance to mention it to you,” he said, making his way over to her.

“He did.”

“Good. HR has a standard secretary job posting. I’ll have them send it your way and you can let them know if there’s anything to be added. I trust you to select the applicants and conduct the interviews, but I need to sign off on the hire.”

“Isn’t this something that HR can handle on their own?”

“They don’t know what it’s like in the BSU. The intricacies of your operations. You’re the expert on that.”

She straightened her posture and folded her arms.

“You were involved in hiring Agent Smith, weren’t you?” he added, taking a few steps forward, closing the gap between them.

“Yes, but that was different,” she explained. “He’s actively involved in our work.”

“And so will the woman you hire.” She fought hard not to roll her eyes. “I thought you’d want to have a hand in who joins this team, Dr. Carr.”

“That’s -” she started, then stopped.

She took a breath.

“I feel that my time would be better spent focusing on our research,” she explained.

“And this is part of that,” Gunn stated confidently. “Everything that happens in this basement is. And beyond. All the cogs in the machine have to be well oiled and working together.”

His tone was final and his feet were already headed towards the door.

“Let me know if you haven’t gotten anything by the end of the week,” he added, already halfway out the door.

The phone rang, as if on cue.

She walked away, letting the sound echo in the empty room.

Wendy was in the break room getting her third coffee of the day when Holden returned from his errand.

“Hey, is there enough left for me?” he asked, preemptively grabbing a paper cup.

Wendy continued pouring coffee into her cup until the pot was empty. Holden looked at her cup, full to the brim. She picked it up carefully and took a sip from the top, looking Holden square in the eyes, before walking past him back to the office.

He stood there for a few seconds, stunned, before following her.

“Hey,” he called, just as she was about to enter her office.

Wendy turned around, unimpressed.

“Did I miss something?” Holden asked.

She was amused by his question, but not happy.

“Yes, Holden,” she said with more than a hint of condescension. “You missed a significant portion of my professional opinion in the Alaska profile.”

He thought for a moment, trying to remember what she could have been referring to.

“The military thing?” Her look confirmed his guess. “I thought we agreed he didn’t fit the military description.”

“I very clearly stated that it was very likely he did work at the air base.”

“Yes, but then I said I disagreed and you dropped it, so-”

“So, you took that to mean I conceded.”

“Well…”

She’d had it.

Gregg, who took notice of their dispute, removed his headphones to spectate properly, albeit discreetly.

“Look,” Holden said in a softer voice. “I don’t want to argue.”

“If you can’t tell the difference between a rational discussion and an argument-”

“Do you want me to call them?” he interrupted. “Tell them we made a mistake and we’ll send a new assessment?”

Wendy weighed this option briefly.

“No,” she concluded. “The damage is done. It won’t look good if we change our mind unless we’ve been presented with new information.”

Holden exhaled loudly. She stared him down. It didn’t appear that he’d learned this lesson.

“What’s done is done,” she added.

She retired to her office, closing the door firmly behind her.

Gregg looked up at Holden. Holden stared back, trying to think of something to say. His mind drew a blank, and he walked away, shaking his head.

The first thing Wendy did when she got home was pour herself the remainder of her bottle of Pinot Gris. It filled her glass well past the acceptable half-way point, but who was there to judge her.

The second thing she did was check her answering machine. She always tried to do it casually - just a quick glance - as if someone might be watching and think she was neurotic. The little red bulb was dark, as it always was. It seemed like a silly purchase now, slowly gathering dust like her love life.

She took a large sip of wine and opened the fridge. It was sparse. There was half a carton of eggs, an opened container of hummus, a three inch block of cheddar, and a nearly empty carton of milk next to a half full carton of orange juice. The crisper contained a bruised apple, two oranges, and a few stalks of celery.

Unmoved by her options, Wendy opened the cupboard only to find a bag of dried apricots where there would normally be cans of tuna. She once again opened the fridge and took out the cheese, an orange, and two of the celery stalks. From the cupboard, she took out the dried apricots as well as a box of crackers from the one next to it. She sliced the cheese and arranged it carefully on a plate next to a matching number of crackers. Next to the crackers was the celery, cut into sticks, followed by orange wedges and a handful of dried apricots completing the circle. She scribbled down “tuna” and “milk” on the notepad pinned to the fridge before bringing her dinner to the living room.

Wendy settled into her usual chair, curled her feet up, and turned on the television. It was quarter to the hour, right in the middle of any half-hour show and too near the end of a full hour program. She flicked channels through twice before stopping on an episode of Wheel of Fortune, which promptly went to a commercial break.

She took a bite of one of the celery sticks only to find it bitter. It hadn’t looked spoiled from the outside, but it’s hard to tell sometimes. She tossed the stick back onto her plate and grabbed an apricot to cleanse her palate. Much better.

A man from Sarasota made it to the final round, but couldn’t guess the puzzle. Wendy got it in four seconds. When the episode ended, she turned off the television and brought her briefcase back to her chair. She pulled out the file she brought home on John Wayne Gacy. The Killer Clown.

Gacy’s mug shot was more unique than most. He was looking away from the camera, off to the side, and smiling. It was as if he was having a pleasant conversation with one of the officers when they snapped his picture. He didn’t look nice per se, however he wasn’t glistening with sweat. This wasn’t surprising though, considering he admitted he knew he was going to be arrested. And he confessed willingly, although it was only after police had found the remains in his crawl space.

Wendy read through the details of the first convicted murder, Timothy McCoy - formerly known as the “Greyhound Bus Boy”. Gacy had left a family party to go look at a display of ice sculptures, then decided to lure the 16-year-old to his car from the Chicago Greyhound Bus Terminal. He was on his way to Omaha from Nebraska. Gacy drove him around Chicago, showed him the sights, then back to his house where he told McCoy he could stay the night. He even offered him a ride to the station in the morning in time to catch his next bus. According to Gacy, he woke up early in the morning to see McCoy standing in his bedroom doorway with a knife. Gacy got out of bed and charged at McCoy, who raised his hands in surrender, still holding the knife. It cut Gacy’s arm in the panic. Gacy, who was much larger than McCoy, wrestled the knife from him and banged his head against the wall. Gacy kicked him multiple times. He wrestled him to the ground, straddled him, and stabbed him repeatedly. Then, Gacy claims he cleaned the knife in the bathroom. When he went into the kitchen, he found an open carton of eggs and a slab of bacon, unsliced, on the table, which was set for two.

This poor boy just wanted to make him breakfast, as a thank you, and he died for it. All because he didn’t leave the knife in the kitchen.

Wendy swirled the remainder of her drink in her glass, then held her hand steady and watched the wine continue to swirl and splash around the curves, briefly gaining momentum before slowing to a soft ripple.

Maybe Gacy would have killed him anyways. Maybe he never meant to drive him to the station that morning. Maybe McCoy was always meant to end up in Gacy’s crawl space, covered in concrete.

She took a sip and turned the page.

#op*#mindhunter #mindhunteredit #mindhunter fic #a tide in a city #wendy carr #bill tench #holden ford #ted gunn #gregg smith

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cobrakiin · 4 years ago

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I Wouldn't Fall For Someone I Thought Couldn't Misbehave

Cojeel | Mentioned Lulev + Stingue | Rated: M (Nothing Super Explicit but ends with Very Spicy Fluff)

When Gajeel signed on for helping re-stabilize the Magic Council after the bombings, he didn't expect all the redundant paperwork, nosy coworkers, or the smokin' hot redhead that likes to play dangerous games with him.

And he should really learn to lock his front door... but why should he? He's practically rewarded for leaving it unlocked!

Aka the post-Rhodonite/Road Knight oneshot that my brain decided to inspire me to write by repeatedly chanting "COBRA SHOW HIS LEGGY" repeatedly until I finished writing it.

[AO3] [FFN]

________________________

"Everything okay?"

"Nn?"

"You've been quiet," Levy reiterated.

"'Course I am, I've got all these bullshit reports to do," Gajeel grumbled, motioning to the mess of papers on his desk. "If I'd known helping clean up after the Council was gonna involve so much goddamn paperwork, I would've told 'em I can't read and saved a hundred trees."

"That's very noble of you," Levy said, unconvincingly flat. She leaned her elbow on her desk, resting her chin in her hand. Her honey brown eyes narrowed, watching him suspiciously. "I meant that you haven't seemed to be your usual self recently. You've been way more distracted lately."

He snorted dismissively. "I ain't you. Sue me for findin' never-ending paperwork boring."

"Come to think of it," Levy ploughed on, "It started right after that mission to recapture that Oracion Seis member." She tapped her index finger against her chin, feigning thought. "And he got away…"

Gajeel sharply eyed her.

His position in the New Magic Council was… unique. Gajeel was only handed cases regular Rune Knights couldn't handle - he was a Dragonslayer whose magic made near-unbreakable iron objects and also happened to be an expert tracker, so he became the guy who could track and capture the more elusive, difficult targets.

An escaped, dark mage Dragonslayer? Right up his alley.

Officially… Gajeel had found Cobra, but the sudden issue of an active child trafficking ring took precedence and Cobra 'got away' in the mess of it all.

Unofficially… Gajeel had found Cobra and they'd exchanged blows at first. Testing each other until Cobra's real target had revealed itself. Then the two Dragonslayers tore those kidnappers to shreds. Once the kids were safe with Council forces, Gajeel had managed to track Cobra down again a few remote towns over. (Gajeel tracked him; Cobra didn't 'let' Gajeel find him again - nope! Finding him again was all Gajeel!) And that's where everything got a lot messier and a lot hotter… and a lot stickier...

Dragons were very much creatures that abided by the Universal Law of the Four F's - food, fight, flee, or fuck - sometimes there was a Fifth F in there, too… something about "Friend" or whatever.

Gajeel meeting Natsu? Fight on sight.

Meeting Laxus? Yeah, there was a Fight, but Gajeel was a little more honest with himself these days that he had actually wanted to Flee the Thunder God.

Wendy and Rogue? He guessed that's where "Friend" came in. Maybe also Food somewhere mixed up in there; they both really needed to eat more. That counted, right?

That blonde idiot mated to his brother? Well… if Sting weren't practically plastered to Rogue's side every waking minute of the day, Gajeel wouldn't mind a Fight with him. (Besides, the guy reminded him too much of Salamander.)

But meeting Cobra? That was the first time his inner dragon skipped past all the other F's - looked right at that cocky little shit-eating elf - and decided on Fuck. And it soon became apparent that Cobra's inner dragon had come to the same conclusion about Gajeel.

It was not at all what he had expected when he'd been handed that case file. He'd expected a Fight and not a Fuck. And while he got both - he was getting plenty of the second one. Even now.

He wasn't stupid: Cobra would do a lot more good out there slaughtering slavers than locked back up for, what? Crimes he committed as a teenager? (Following that mission, Gajeel had checked what was left of Cobra's file after the bombings. While he was sure the redhead had done much worse than what was in there, legally all they could hold him on now was "association with dark mages" and a couple of assassinations they "suspected" him of.) Killing traffickers the Council couldn't (or wouldn't) go after was basically community service, in Gajeel's opinion.

An added plus to all that "community service" was that Cobra sometimes showed up after Gajeel was done with a mission. Always approached him alone, always knew where they wouldn't be seen, always teasing so many somethings without saying anything directly. And sometimes whispered somethings led to somewheres - like the bed of a shitty inn for the night or a tent deep in the woods... or that alley behind that diner that one time.

"It's okay to give yourself some slack, you know," Levy's voice dragged him unwillingly out of his thoughts. "Sure, you didn't catch him. But you saved twelve kids and stopped more from being kidnapped. That's an accomplishment, too!"

Gajeel rolled his eyes. He 'hasn't been himself'... tch, yeah - 'cause he's been getting regularly fuckin' laid! He wanted to brag and practically had to bite his tongue to force himself not to.

"I don't really care that much about catching him," he half-lied. He did want to catch Cobra - to keep chasing and catching him, over and over - he just didn't want to arrest the poison dragon. "I ain't beating myself up over that. I've- Look. It's somethin' else, okay?"

The short bluenette blinked her surprise at him before her mouth widened into a smirk. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay," she said, pretending to go back to her own stack of reports. "I thought you might have been upset about the Cobra situation. But from that reaction, I'd almost guess you were seeing someone."

Gajeel forced a scowl in an attempt to squash the heat rising to his face. "So? Even if I was - and I'm not sayin' I am - it's not a fuckin' crime." Except that in his case, it most certainly was. He snorted indignantly. "I didn't bother you half this much when you an' cosplay girl went away on that gal-pal trip to that couples-only hotspring."

Levy's eyebrows immediately arched at that. "Gajeel, you sent me a text message that contained a book, a bunny, and a scissor emoji. Fourteen times." She shook her head. "Lucy saw it and almost passed out from embarrassment because she doesn't know what a kind, supportive asshole you are."

He spluttered. "Don't remember, didn't happen."

"If you ever start dating someone, just know I'm going to have my revenge. Tenfold."

TWUNNNG.

The sound of a lone, reverberating guitar string being plucked played as his lacriphone buzzed in his pocket. (With his tough skin, he couldn't always feel when his phone vibrated. When he had first started using it, he had the notification sound set to an annoyed cat's meow, but Pantherlily refused to go out on missions with him if he didn't have his phone set to silent. Reluctantly, he'd change it to a guitar twang to appease his friend.)

The lock screen showed he had two messages from a number he didn't recognize.

The first message was an image. Taken from a bathtub... his bathtub! In his house! A leg - warm chestnut skin dripping wet as soap streaked down the exposed, toned thigh - casually hung over the side of his bathtub, suds and the shimmer of the overhead light on the water obscuring anything more tantalizing lurking below.

Light, faint purpling could be seen on the inner flesh of the thigh, and Gajeel's mouth went half-dry at the memory of suckling and pinching the soft skin there between his fangs.

The second message flat-out taunted Gajeel: [You should really learn to lock your doors, Mr. Councilman... who knows what kind of criminal could break in?]

Gajeel could practically feel the blood rushing from his rapidly blanking mind to somewhere much, much lower. He managed to hold back the approving, dragonish purr that threatened to rumble from his very core.

"So you are seeing someone," Levy troublesomely commented over Gajeel's shoulder, causing Gajeel to jolt and nearly fumble his phone onto the floor. That sneaky little shrimp! When the fuck did she even get there?! "You know, you don't have to hide it, we're friends. Who is she?"

Right. The pic was only of a leg. (And it was a fuckin' nice leg, the guy had a great pair of them with a perfect, shapely ass to match.) All Levy had seen was a leg. Sent from a burner phone, not that she'd know that just from the quick peek. Nothing identifiable.

Taking a few calming breaths, Gajeel grit his fangs in a friendly yet dismissive frown. "It's a he, Shrimpy. Don't go makin' assumptions 'bout who I bed." Despite how they picked on each other, she was his friend, and he'd toss her that one bone. "And he would prefer if my work life didn't go poking into our personal life. As a matter of fact, so would I."

Levy feigned thought for a moment. But the teasing, troublesome glint in her eyes remained. "You mean to tell me that he doesn't want to be seen with a grown man that collects Hello Kitten merchandise and refuses to lock his own front door?"

________________________

It was impossible to ignore the other male's scent in his home, warmly dampened by a recent bath. Gajeel tossed his uniform coat on the hook by the door and kicked his boots off in a hurry. The scent carried into the kitchen, where it was obvious a certain home invader had definitely helped himself to the contents of Gajeel's fridge, and he followed it to the living room and to who he knew was waiting there for him.

Gajeel knew who he was dealing with by now: Cobra went where he pleased, when he pleased. Nothing could hold him in one place for long and, knowing how much Cobra valued his freedom, Gajeel didn't care to try. Besides... the redhead was just as enticing whether he was standing in front of him or walking away - neither was a bad view.

And it wasn't a bad view that waited for him at all.

Freshly bathed and stretching the length of the couch lounged a certain redheaded poison dragon. His hair was still damp and… and Gajeel had to blink a few times, because Cobra was wearing his clothes: a loose black t-shirt and pair of gray sweatpants, both a little big on his lithe frame.

"What," the lounging elf playfully sneered, "Did you stop for flowers?"

Gajeel crossed the space between them in two strides and practically dove into the arms of the smaller man. Their mouths met and the battle for dominance began. And Cobra pulled, fought back in their embrace; he didn't lay there passively. Cobra was flexible and could move with ease, but Gajeel had more mass on his side and used it to his advantage as he rolled them both off the couch and onto the carpet.

He managed to pin Cobra beneath him, settling his hips between Cobra's legs, and almost losing all rational thought as he rutted against him.

The iron dragon's lips parted as a husky growl rumbled from his throat and slipped out past his fangs: "So ya broke in, used all my hot water, stole my clothes, and cleaned out my fridge? And you expect me to let you get away with that for free?"

Gajeel was far from mad. Cobra being in his house, seeing Cobra wearing his clothes, knowing his mate was sated by food he provided - it was all pulling right at that primal, possessive side of him in all the right ways.

"Not breaking in if you don't lock your doors," Cobra replied cooly. "You were practically asking for it."

Gajeel wanted to fuck him through the goddamn floor right there and then.

"Let's play a game," Cobra said, mouth still so close that their lips brushed with each word, single violet eye glinting up at the man above him.

"Yeah? Since when do you wanna play games...?"

Smirking, Cobra pulled back, knowing just how to egg Gajeel on: "If you're afraid you'll lose, I could always-"

Gajeel silenced him with a kiss, pressing him firmly against the floor with his body. "I like winning games," he rumbled, "'Specially against you."

"If I can pin you to the couch, I get to fuck you," Cobra explained the first part of the game.

The iron dragon immediately perked to attention. He loved when Cobra spoke dirty, and loved the sound of this game - just as much as Cobra knew he would. "That sounds kinda one-sided," he said, though he shifted his weight in anticipation anyways.

"Let me finish," the redhead scolded him, enjoying the way Gajeel's breath hitched as he pressed himself flush against him. Cobra's hand slid between them, sliding down, and his palm paid special, gripping attention to a growing bulge in Gajeel's pants. "If you can get me upstairs, you can tie me to the bed and do whatever you want to me."

Gajeel clenched his eyes shut as Cobra's hand squeezed suddenly, firmly, as a faint groan escaped him. "Really, you're s-sure?"

"Yeah," Cobra confirmed. It hadn't been too long ago that the thought of being tied up and fucked would have made him recoil, but he trusted Gajeel. He knew Gajeel had a thing for bondage and trusted him to not take things too far - and Gajeel wanted to show him that trust was not misplaced.

Iron claws surfaced and flexed, hungry fangs peeked out of Gajeel's mouth in barely contained urge. "Funny, you gave yourself the closer spot."

"You've got more muscle on your side."

"You've got fancy ears, you know what I'm gonna do," Gajeel pointed out.

Cobra gingerly traced a finger down Gajeel's jaw, fangs glinting in a devilish little grin. "When's that ever stopped you...?"

________________________

"Hn?" Gajeel cocked a studded brow, noting how easily his fingers had gone in.

The tied-up redhead under him still somehow managed to scrape up enough cockiness in his voice: "I was ready for either of us to win tonight."

"Ya mean ta tell me that you were up here pleasing yerself in MY bed and you just let me sit at my desk ALL FUCKEN DAY?!"

#fairy tail #gajeel redfox #erik cobra #cojeel #fanfic #cobra #i can now say that i've titled a fic after a hozier song so i'll cross that off my bucket list #no beta bc my mind would not stop going LEGGY until i posted this please let me have peace now

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ewdaviddd · 4 years ago

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folklore think piece

for a lower case album such as this, i will be writing a lowercase think piece on the subject. i will not explain why. you get it or you don’t.

the 1: i have never been in love or any type of romantic relationship that left me with lasting feelings of any kind. but, on my fourth listen through of this song today, what once was just a promising and fun intro to this peasant girl summer gut punch, brought me to actual tears as i sat on the toilet in my lime green childhood bathroom as if i were mourning the one that got away (another great song). however, i am an expert on being hung up on the past, the “what could have been”, and made up hypotheticals. this song also introduces the film motif seen a lot in this album. i think dating an actor has really gotten to her. anyway what a killer way to begin, top notch stuff. how can a song be so fun and so soul crushing at the same time?

cardigan: when did taylor wear black lipstick? this is important to me. an old cardigan is an inherently bisexual article of clothing. that is not an opinion. i read it somewhere today and i believe it. this is the tip of the queer-coding ice berg in folklore, never fear. another reference, “tried to change the ending / peter losing wendy”. this year i wrote a movie script where both peter and wendy were both gay. coincidence? probably. basically this one is classic taylor poetry on every level and it being one of a trio in a larger story makes it that much better. yet again, high school romance is not a universal experience (like for me for instance) but haunting my “what-ifs” is going to haunt me for a long time. and the thought of someone saying i was their favorite cardigan makes me want to scream into a pillow.

the last great american dynasty: my favorite ts songs have always been the ones with detailed characters and stories and this one introduces the trope of the “mad woman” who comes back later on as well a long with many fun character details. at first this song is just cheeky and cute, very visual, a fun world to jump into. but then this particular stretch of lines makes your heart drop into your chest and reminds you why taylor isn’t just always fun and always cute and always creative, she also holds the ability to nimbly sock you in the gut when you least expect: “fifty years is a long time / holiday house sat quietly on that beach / free of women with madness, their men and bad habits / and then it was bought by me.” my jaw is still on the floor. and i’ve never bought a house myself. but i’ve spent numerous christmases having a marvelous time ruining everything (so i’ve been told) so this song still applies to my life.

exile (ft. bon iver): i’m gonna be honest. for as long as i can remember i have strongly disliked bon iver and i never remembered why. it is a matter of principle at this point. i just don’t trust him. but then taylor announced she wrote a song with him which filled me with tremendous anxiety. but i can rest easy. much like “the last time” this song is a ts and male artist collaboration i can get behind. also the film motif again: the only time i’ve left a theatre when i didn’t like a movie was never because movie tickets are so expensive and if i’m shelling out 11 dollars to sit in a chair, i’m staying the whole time no matter how bad the ending. but i probably would have left my sister’s keeper if i had seen it before if i’m being honest. so i get it. thats why i read spoilers for everything i watch before watching it, because the anxiety of worrying about how it ends make me not enjoy it in the first place. the end of this song: the call and response felt… ethereal? i felt like i was watching a broadway musical from the splash zone seats, crying as i was spat on.

my tears ricochet: this song is what i picture stepping outside in the middle of the night when an inch or so of snow has just fallen and i can see the flakes fall in front of a street light sounds like. or the scorned secret ex lover throwing themselves onto the coffin demanding to know why they weren’t enough. which is to say it feels like a sign from some sort of god. yet again, haunting is brought up, an overt reference to the fact that this album will live in my brain rent free for eternity. for some reason this song reminds me of the relationship between hamilton and burr when burr kills hamilton. that could be because i just watched the disney+ recording last week. one lives, one dies, but neither survive, both pay for it. Which is a super romantic and understanding view on murder. both musical experiences equally chilling and moving. if i die under mysterious circumstances this will for sure be played at the funeral.

mirrorball: first off, this is my mom's favorite which is very important. also, it has skewered a very specific but also universal insecurity of mine; existing just to please others and yet miserably failing. it is comforting that ts is not a “natural’ and feels she must always “try try try” because i too lack natural ability, but also rarely “try” even just the one time. the best way i can describe listening to this song is walking through a silent disco where everyone else is listening to some classic lady gaga jam and you are listening to a calming lullaby sung very far away. but don’t let the soothing sounds fool you. it still will have you reflecting on what it means to look and be looked at. a dark rabbit whole, like falling through the looking glass. i’ve never actually read that book though so i could be wrong.

seven: i’m dumb and on my first listen of this song i thought she “hit her peak” at 7 clock as opposed to age seven. but i always saw taylor swift as someone with an early bedtime. also a fun discovery while writing this, “seven” is the 7th song on the track list. clever. although this song is young and innocent and so nostalgic for a time when screaming ferociously was a widely accepted form of expression, it also sounds like a very old secret someone is whispering to me. a love from long ago that lasts beyond the person being in your life, passed down to me and it all just sounds a little gay. not just because of the specific line to hiding in the closet. but that certainly doesn’t go unnoticed. when i was seven i was definitely in love with girls and assumed that was just what friendship was, playing pirates and making plans of running away together.

august: the eighth track for the eighth month. her mind. also my birth month so that’s special. controversial opinion: from what i’ve read most people seem to think illicit affair is the third song in the triage of teen love. i will strongly make the case that it's actually this one. first of all, the subject: a short lived summer fling, which is specifically mentioned later in “betty”. the central heartbreak of this song is liking someone who always belonged to someone else. yes, this song is a window into a different summer, far from pandemic central and the escapist imagery is delightful. but a whole song from the pov of the “other woman” to james and betty is just so much more fun. and there are two more specific lyrics that prove my point. “remember when i pulled up and said "get in the car”” you will see later comes back from the other person’s perspective. and most of all: the repeated line, “meet me behind the mall”? only teenagers make plans to meet up behind a mall. i rest my case. so now we have cardigan and august. two pieces of the puzzle.

this is me trying: i’m glad i now have a succinct message to send to anyone when they ask me what the hell i’m doing at any given moment. this song just sounds like regret and waste in the most self-assured and confident way. this is “back to december” with the training wheels off. i have no apologies for my efforts at wasting all my potential. but in this song, taylor has opened her arms to me in a warm embrace and has forgiven me for all i’ve done wrong and reminds me to not take for granted the “try”. okay mom. i’m crying again, but okay.

illicit affair: this is the kind of thing that makes you feel sixteen, living in a dull suburb, while secretly screwing your 38 year old married neighbor who’s rich but wants to be an artiste. aka like a character in euphoria or something. it’s sexy and dangerous until you think about it and then it's just dingy and creepy. but this song starts and stays beautiful. most importantly, this song is too sad and depressing frankly, to be a part of the trilogy. we could never forgive james for leaving such a mess and making her a fool. you don’t want to be this girl. you want to walk up to her and shake her and yell “you exist and will not be ruined by any dumb man”. and that’s feminism.

invisible string: is it reductive if i say this one’s about joe? all my non-stan friends have asked me which ones are about him. we forgive them and point them in this direction. because it is lovely and beautiful that we are all tied to our soulmate for our whole lives before we ever meet them (because that would in fact mean that there is someone out there for everyone which might be naive or dumb but i am both of those things and whats the point of living if you don’t believe in the power of love). this honestly gives me “begin again” vibes in the best way. it’s red-era level with the wisdom of lover-era tay. sublime.

mad woman: the second mention of the “mad woman” as both taylor herself and the character in the story. as usual, tay stays calling out double standards and the manipulation of women into “going crazy” for expressing reasonable anger. I, personally, wish i could say “fuck you forever” without someone saying i’m “overreacting”. this is my least favorite song on the album and i’d still listen to it three times in a row and need to resist the urge to set a man’s lawn on fire. just girly things.

epiphany: i know she said this one is about her grandfather’s experience in the military but all i imagine is a slow montage of harry style’s character in “dunkirk” on the beach. and it’s beautiful. and much like my sophomore in high school self reading “all quiet on the western front” it evokes a pain from deep inside me that engulfs a loss i could never describe and a sadness too awful to witness. you will listen to this song and feel absolutely powerless to the will of the universe and it’s cruelty. and the faint but steady heart monitor beep in the background… i’ve never seen “grey’s anatomy” but i can imagine why it has so many fans sobbing. and let me end on this: two soldiers in some old war (meaning both men based on dunkirk) watching each other like this and living and dying together…gay.

betty: the first verse was pulled directly out of my subconscious fantasy of being in love in high school and it being so wonderful and painful and dramatic. and taylor riding a skateboard… is a mood. the song has been out for less than a week and it’s already a cold take to talk about how this is her gayest song to date (close runner-ups being reputation’s “dress” and “cardigan”). but of course i will still talk about it. the lyrics embody such authentic awkward gay energy (see the lesbian in booksmart for reference) and having been a 17 year old only three years ago, i can say with reasonably good authority that no 17 year old straight boy could stand in front of a crowd of peers and beg forgiveness from a girl he hurt. it’s just not realistic. these are all awkward, over-dramatic, young girls stumbling through love. and it’s awesome. james is the speaker of this song, and the subject of “august”, the summer fling that was never truly there due to james’ love for betty, the titular role of this song. thus completing the love triangle. and there are so many obvious references in this song to both “august” and “cardigan”. rhyming cardigan with car again makes me want to light myself on fire in the best way. i love it. “i dreamt of you all summer long” is the final nail in the coffin for the girl in “august” who was clearly just a place-holder. totally separate from taylor swift, my favorite word is porch. so the amount of times it appears in her lyrics is wonderful. say it out loud. it just feels nice. anyway, this song makes me want to be young and dumb and in love. the second can really only be tolerated because of the first and third. i hope the story has a happy-ending. if james were a boy i’d wish him the plague.

peace: the coming-of-age movie starring james and betty (and inez) is over. we have come to “the age” i guess. there’s a thought that’s gonna fester. if this song was just the line, “would it be enough if i could never give you peace?” over and over for four minutes it would still smash me to pulp and fill my body with helium gas. i can and will cause a car wreck when this comes on the aux. if this song is what being grown up is like (bare in mind grown up to me is like, 30) then i’m ready to be done coming of age. because i already worry if i’ll be at all enough for anyone and way too much for someone at the same time. but like all good poetry, this song isn’t about what it “means”, but how it “feels”. and this is new york city, the summer, pouring rain, a long walk home, desperately fearing and hoping they are there waiting for you.

hoax: a one-sided conversation between me and my stubborn clinical depression. i too, constantly stand alone on the cliff demanding a reason. one has not yet been presented. it operates both within and and against me. i could be bigger and stronger than it. but instead i tend to it like a prickly plant. (“no other sadness in the world will do”). there is nothing both sadder and funnier then the scene in “avatar: the last airbender” when prince zuko stands alone on a cliff screaming at the sky for lightning to strike him. i don’t know why this song reminds me so much of that. what a way to end such an emotional rollercoaster. it is so emotionally draining that it simply forces me to start folklore again from the top and listen to it all over again. or take a long therapeutic nap.

there are no skips. and it will still surprise you on your 267th listen. proceed with caution.

i knew you, in a past life maybe. i have not met you yet, but folklore has made me believe you exist.

@taylorswift 10/10 good work

@taylornation this had to be shared and i don’t have a twitter so

#@taylorswift #@taylurking #@taylornation #taylor swift #folklore #ts8

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

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Survey #425

“evolution repressed by our backwards contest / breeding our torrential demise as we come to this edge”

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? I think Nutella is a godsend, but I use peanut butter waaaaay more often. We don't even really buy Nutella because I will destroy the jar. Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Baked. What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? Kathryn. I think. Do you like breadsticks? I just like bread, man. What are your favorite things to spend money on? Tattoos, uuuuugggghhhhh <3 Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Neither, really. Most puppies drive me insane (even though they're cute as everliving fuck), and I don't want another cat. Mom actually talked about getting another, but I really just want my one boy. Roman would get SO jealous, anyway. I enjoy just having my baby. How old will you be on your next birthday? 26. Yikes. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? As "the fat one," I can be sometimes. I would say though that more often than not, it's sort of whatever to me because I'm a human that has to eat. When you opened your eyes this morning, what were your first thoughts? I thought I slept way later than I actually did. What is one thing in the room you’re in that reminds you of somebody? My stuffed meerkat Rebel. Jason got it for me for my first birthday that we were together. Could you ever be friends with somebody who was homophobic? Never again. I was once able to think "agree to disagree," but sometimes by doing so, you're siding with evil by not enforcing what is more than just a belief. It should come with being a human. Also given my own sexuality, it would be a slap in the face to me. Would you ever want to be a supermodel, or date one? Hell no. I'd date one though, if they were modest about their position. Honestly, have you ever made fun of somebody so bad they cried? Wow, no. Honestly, would you rather be complimented on your looks or intelligence? Quite frankly, nowadays, my appearance. I need it. My self-confidence is so far below "shit." Have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise? Nope. You can get one thing, anything, for free right now. What do you pick? Why? Hm. I know I talk about it a lot, but it would still probably be a 40 gallon terrarium for Venus. She needs - and deserves - it. Honestly, have you ever danced naked? NOOOOOOOO. What was the first illegal thing that you did? Did you get caught? Downloaded music. My mom eventually found out, but didn't care much. What is the home page on the computer you’re on? Google. Do you like to write poetry? I do, but I haven't done it in a while. :/ Are your ears pierced? Yes. If so, were they pierced with a piercing gun, or with a sterile needle? Piercing gun. Which, by the way, do not do. There are many more risks with a piercing gun versus a needle by a professional. Do you wear makeup regularly? I never do. Did you eat cereal for breakfast today? No. I've been on a bagel kick lately. When was the last time you tripped over something? Last night, actually. The rug in the living room was slightly turned up, and I tripped in the dark. I didn't actually fall, thankfully. Any obsessive-compulsive tendencies? I'm diagnosed with OCD. I experience more ruminations and intrusive thoughts more than obsessive behaviors, though. Who was the last person you yelled at? Probably Mom. Why did you yell at them? I don't remember. Favorite type of apple? I like pink lady apples. I really enjoy any, so long as they're crisp. Ever seen live horse racing? No. To be totally honest, I don't really like the concept of it. Motivating a horse to run by hurting it doesn't exactly seem moral... How about live greyhound racing? No. What’s one thing, besides the obvious, that you couldn’t live without? The Internet, haha. Have you ever touched a giraffe? No. What does your mom call you? Britt. What stresses you out the most in life? I really don't think I could pick a top one. There are so many. Do you play any PC games? What is your favorite? Yeah. Y'all probably know WoW is my favorite. If you were pregnant, how would you tell the father? Well, that would depend on the circumstances. Did we want a baby? Was it a bad surprise, a happy surprise? I can't answer this with just one idea. What’s the hardest level you can play on Guitar Hero? I used to be able to slam out Expert easily with only very few songs I had to play on Hard, but now it's been YEARS. I've played less than once in a blue moon, and my skill's definitely faded some. It really depends on the song. What ever happened with you and your first boyfriend? He couldn't handle my depression anymore. What’s your favorite country song? "When The Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw, probably. What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you? Fail to communicate what he was feeling with me and then make a dashing break for it very, very abruptly after three and a half years. It put me past a state of shock, but trauma with how no less than obsessed I was with him. What were you for Halloween last year? I didn't dress up. :/ I wish I had the money and motivation alike to. Are you feeling guilty for something? I always will. Are you usually quiet or loud? Quiet. How many hours do you spend on the computer a day? Like... uh... all of them, oof. What is the show that you watched when you were little, and you still do? Meerkat Manor. Do your siblings text you? Not really. Do you want a small or big wedding? Small. Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth? Not the house I currently live in, but I have before. Who is your ex dating/talking to? I don't know. Ever kissed someone who smokes? No. Does it take a lot for someone to annoy you? Frankly, no. Do you own your own computer? This laptop, anyway. Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings? Yes, with my younger sister as a kid and pre-teen. What noises in the room you’re in, do you hear at the moment? I hear the video I'm watching, as well as my fan. Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Yes. What’s the biggest upcoming event for you? Nothing. Not like that's a surprise. What do you typically order from Wendy’s? Son of the Baconator. @_@ Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper? No. Those are so awkward to me. What do you love most about yourself? I don't know these days. Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed? No. What are you doing right now? This survey and re-watching John Wolfe play Outlast 2. What’s bothering you right now? I'm immensely nervous about tomorrow. I have my first (and I pray the fuck to God not only) session with my new personal trainer then, and I'm terrified by how my body and my mental fortitude is going to react. Y'all have no fucking idea JUST how out of shape I am, and the muscles in my legs seem basically non-existent by now. I have to do something about my health, though, and I'm determined to make this shit work. More than determined. I know the first day is going to be hard, but I need to do this more than I can explain. What was the last thing you drank? ... What great fucking timing, I have a can of Mountain Dew, lol... That's another thing that needs to change. I've gotta stop the emotional and boredom-eating and chill the fuck out with soda. Be honest, do you like people in general? Quite frankly, no. There are plenty of people I love and think are amazing, of course, but I think I lean towards humanity being too shitty to like "in general." Do you want your tongue pierced? I miss my snake eyes. :/ That was suuuuch a cute piercing. I just had to take it out for the safety of my teeth. I kept accidentally clamping down on one of the balls when eating, and it would cause tiny fractures. Do you change your phone background a lot? No. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? No. Have you ever been strip searched? No. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? It's not funny-sounding, no, I just think it's too manly for me to enjoy as part of my name. Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly? Yes. Oddly enough, I don't remember what I OD'd on now... You'd think I would, given how extreme the situation was. It was some cold medicine. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? I absolutely do. It's extremely insensitive to people like myself who legitimately suffer - and I do mean "suffer" - from the disorder. Describe your day so far in three words: Dull. Lazy. Anxious. What was the most stressful project you had so far/while in school? Probably my senior project and the presentation I had to do for it. I taught about the fallacies and misconceptions of snakes, and I made a PowerPoint and some drawings to color and crosswords for the special ed children. I was so, so very nervous, but I got through it fine and the kids seemed to enjoy it. I actually still have the recording. Choose one- Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers: MILKY WAY. FUCK I love those. Have you ever stepped in dog poop? UGH yes. What was the last thing you spent money on? My niece's birthday present. Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Is there a guy that knows a lot about you? I almost said "yes," but then I realized he doesn't know me at all anymore. I've changed so much, hopefully mostly for the better. He hasn't "known" me in many years. Is there someone you just can’t imagine your life without? It's terrifying to imagine my life without Mom; Sara, too. Do you prefer Starbucks coffee or small cafe coffee? I prefer no coffee. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah. Do you enjoy being outdoors? If it's cool outside and I have somewhere to sit that's not the ground, yes. Do people tell you that you have an accent? Sometimes. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? They're pretty, but I don't support their usage by this point in my life. They're a fire hazard, triggering to some vets with PTSD, and beyond terrifying for animals. What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? I get most heated about child molestation. You do not fucking touch a child like that. I don't even write any of my bajillion evil guys committing it in RP because I just can't stomach it. Even when my little sister (a children's social worker) is telling Mom about some stuff she sees at work, I have to not be present, 'cuz that shit isn't rare. It's nauseating. Is there anyone you would take a bullet for? A good number of people, honestly. Do you enjoy tanning? Hell no, I avoid the sun and heat at like all costs. Are you a virgin? This is going to sound weird, but I actually don't know, but I lean towards no. Who’s your celebrity crush? mARK EDWARD FISCHFUCK Did or do you get good grades in English class? I was always excellent in English. What part of your body are you self-conscious about? My stomach. But I'm self-conscious about everything else, too. Are you expected to help fix Thanksgiving dinner? No. Everyone knows I can't cook worth a damn. Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer? Truly close, no. Unless you include pets, actually. Then a few. :/ Do you personally know anyone who is transgender? Yep. When was the last time you got a shot? Earlier this year for Covid. Get your fucking vaccine, btw. :^)

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''altaer" by 3teeth

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to-read-or-not-to-read3088 · 3 years ago

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70+ disabled, neurodiverse and chronically ill authors COLLAB

This post is in collaboration with several other bloggers whose links are included here:

Artie Carden

Anniek

Hi! It’s been a while since I posted anything, but this post has been a month in the making. I have twenty books by twenty authors for my part in this collaboration, and you can check out the other parts of the collab with the links at the top of the post.

I haven’t read some of these books but almost all of them are on my to be read pile, and I did extensive research to make sure I got this right, but please let me know if there are any mistakes or if anything needs to be corrected.

1. Meet Cute Diary by Emery Lee

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Meet Cute Diary follows Noah Ramirez who thinks he’s an expert on romance. He must be for his blog, the Meet Cute Diary, a collection of trans happily ever afters. There’s just one problem. All the stories are fake. What started off as the fantasies of a trans boy who was afraid to step out of the closet has grown into a beacon of hope for trans readers across the globe. Noah’s world unravels when a troll exposes the blog as fiction, and the only way to save the Diary is to convince everyone that the stories are true, but he doesn’t have any proof. That’s when Drew walks into Noah’s life, and the pieces fall into place. Drew is willing to fake date Noah to save the Diary. But when Noah’s feelings grow beyond their staged romance, he realises that dating in real life isn’t the same as finding love on the page.

The author, Emery Lee, is a kid lit author, artist and YouTuber hailing from a mixed racial background. After graduating with a degree in creative writing, e’s gone on to author novels, short stories and webcomics. When away from reading and writing, you’ll likely find em engaged in art or snuggling with cute dogs.

Emery Lee is nonbinary, and uses e/em pronouns, and e’s debut book, Meet Cute Diary, features a side character who is also nonbinary (and asexual!). Emery is also neurodivergent, and frequently speaks about what its like being a writer with adhd on twitter.

Meet Cute Diary is a book I only discovered last month, when it was published, but I’m excited to read it. It has representation of all kinds, and I love any book that has even a little mention of an asexual character because its so rare to see.

2. Ace of Spades by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé

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At Niveus Private Academy money paves the hallways, and the students are never less than perfect. Until now. Because an anonymous texter calling themselves Aces, is bringing two students’ dark secrets to light. Devon, a talented musician, buries himself in rehearsals, but he can’t escape the spotlight when his private photos go public. Chiamaka, head girl, isn’t afraid to get what she wants, but soon everyone will know the price she has paid for power. Someone is out to get them both. Someone who holds all the aces. And they’re planning much more than a high school game.

Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé, is the author of the instant New York Times and IndieBound bestseller, Ace of Spades, billed as ‘Get out meets Gossip Girl’. Entertainment Weekly has called it “this summer’s hottest YA debut”. She was born and raised in Croydon, South London, and Faridah moved to the Scottish Highlands for her undergraduate degree where she completed a BA in English Literature. She has established and runs and mentorship scheme for unagented writers of colour, helping them on their journey to get published. Faridah has also written for NME, The Bookseller, Readers Digest and gal-dem.

Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé’s book is one that I pre-ordered months in advance, after discovering that I actually really liked this sub-genre of YA, and although I still haven’t read it yet (sorry!), I’m still super excited to dive into it. From what I hear, it has some gay rep, which we all know by now is something I seek out in my books.

3. Lycanthropy and Other Chronic Illnesses by Kristen O’Neal

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Priya has worked hard to pursue her pre med dreams at Stanford, but a diagnosis of chronic Lyme disease during her sophomore year sends her straight back to her loving but overbearing family in New Jersey and leaves her wondering if she’ll ever be able to return to the way things were. Thankfully she has her online pen pal, Brigid, and the rest of the members of “oof ouch my bones,” a virtual support group that meets on Discord to crack jokes and vent about their own chronic illnesses. When Brigid suddenly goes offline, Priya does something very out of character; she steals the family car and drives to Pennsylvania to check on Brigid. Priya isn’t sure what to expect, but it isn’t the creature that’s shut in the basement. With Brigid nowhere in sight, Priya begins to puzzle together an impossible but obvious truth: the creature might be werewolf – and the werewolf might be Brigid. As Brigid’s unique condition worsens, their friendship will be deepened and challenged in unexpected ways, forcing them to reckon with their own ideas of what it means to be normal.

Kristen O’Neal is a freelance writer who’s written for sites like Buzzfeed Reader, Christianity Today, Birth.Movies.Death, LitHub and Electric Literature. She writes about faith, culture, and unexplained phenomena. Her debut novel, Lycanthropy and Other Chronic Illnesses is based on her own experiences with being chronically ill. Kristen has two autoimmune disorders and “a number of other problems and issues” with her body. According to her website, she is doing much better than she used to, but still has flares somewhat regularly.

I cannot describe the feeling of seeing a published book with the best group chat name I have ever seen. Oof ouch my bones is absolutely something that I would be part of if it really existed, because its just such a mood, and funny at the same time. I pre ordered this book too, but like all the others, I still haven’t gotten around to reading it. I’m super excited about it though and cannot recommend it enough.

4. Only Mostly Devastated by Sophie Gonzales

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Will Tavares is the dream summer fling – he’s fun, affectionate, kind – but just when Ollie thinks he’s found his Happily Ever After, summer vacation ends, and Will stops texting Ollie back. Now Ollie is one prince short of his fairy tale ending, and to complicate the fairy tale further, a family emergency sees Ollie uprooted and enrolled at a new school across the country. Which he minds a little less when he realises it’s the same school Will goes to…except Ollie finds out that the sweet, comfortably queer guy he knew from summer isn’t the same one attending Collinswood High. This Will is a class clown, closeted – and to be honest, a jerk. Ollie has no intention of pining after a guy who clearly isn’t ready for a relationship, especially since this new, bro-y jock version of Will seems to go from hot to cold every other week. But then Will starts “coincidentally” popping up in every area of Ollie’s life, from music class to the lunch table, and Ollie finds his resolve weakening. The last time he gave Will his heart, Will handed it back to him trampled and battered. Ollie would have to be an idiot to trust him with it again. Right? Right.

Sophie Gonzales was born and raised in Whyalla, South Australia, where the Outback Meets the Sea. She now lives in Melbourne, where there’s no outback in sight. Sophie’s been writing since the age of five, when her mother decided to help her type out one of the stories she had come up with in the bathtub. They ran into artistic differences when five-year-old Sophie insisted that everybody die in the end, while her mother wanted the characters to simply go out for a milkshake. Since then, Sophie has been completing her novels without a transcript. Sophie Gonzales tweets about her experiences with ADHD on her twitter.

Only mostly devasted is one of the few books on this list that I’ve read. I read the whole thing in one sitting because I just couldn’t put it down, which is weird because I normally don’t read contemporary at all. I have recommended this book to literally everyone I know, and even bought my best friend a copy to convince her to read it.

5. The Bone Houses by Emily Lloyd Jones

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Seventeen-year-old Aderyn ("Ryn") only cares about two things: her family, and her family's graveyard. And right now, both are in dire straits. Since the death of their parents, Ryn and her siblings have been scraping together a meagre existence as gravediggers in the remote village of Colbren, which sits at the foot of a harsh and deadly mountain range that was once home to the fae. The problem with being a gravedigger in Colbren, though, is that the dead don't always stay dead. The risen corpses are known as "bone houses," and legend says that they're the result of a decades-old curse. When Ellis, an apprentice mapmaker with a mysterious past, arrives in town, the bone houses attack with new ferocity. What is it that draws them near? And more importantly, how can they be stopped for good? Together, Ellis and Ryn embark on a journey that will take them deep into the heart of the mountains, where they will have to face both the curse and the long-hidden truths about themselves.

Emily Lloyd-Jones grew up on a vineyard in rural Oregon, where she played in evergreen forests and learned to fear sheep. After graduating from Western Oregon University with an English degree, she enrolled in the publishing program at Rosemont College just outside of Philadelphia. She currently resides in Northern California.

Another book on my to be read pile that I’m super excited to read, but still haven’t gotten around to. This one features disability rep, but because I haven’t read it, I don’t know much more, sorry guys.

6. Mooncakes by Susanne Walker and Wendy Xu

📷Nova Huang knows more about magic than your average teen witch. She works at her grandmothers' bookshop, where she helps them loan out spell books and investigate any supernatural occurrences in their New England town. One fateful night, she follows reports of a white wolf into the woods, and she comes across the unexpected: her childhood crush, Tam Lang, battling a horse demon in the woods. As a werewolf, Tam has been wandering from place to place for years, unable to call any town home. Pursued by dark forces eager to claim the magic of wolves and out of options, Tam turns to Nova for help. Their latent feelings are rekindled against the backdrop of witchcraft, untested magic, occult rituals, and family ties both new and old in this enchanting tale of self-discovery.

Suzanne Walker is a Chicago-based writer and editor. She is co-creator of the Hugo-nominated graphic novel Mooncakes (2019, Lion Forge/Oni Press). Her short fiction has been published in Clarkesworld and Uncanny Magazine, and she has published nonfiction articles with Uncanny Magazine, StarTrek.com, Women Write About Comics, and the anthology Barriers and Belonging: Personal Narratives of Disability. She has spoken at numerous conventions on a variety of topics ranging from disability representation in sci-fi/fantasy to comics collaboration.

Wendy Xu is a Brooklyn-based illustrator and comics artist. She is co-creator of and currently draws the webcomic Mooncakes. Her work has been featured on Tor.com, as part of the Chinese American: Exclusion/Inclusion exhibit permanently housed at the Chinese Historical Society of America, and in Shattered: The Asian American Comics Anthology. She occasionally teaches at the Asian American Writers Workshop and currently works as an assistant editor curating young adult and children’s books.

Suzanne Walker suffers from hearing loss, something that she wrote into her graphic novel, Mooncakes, making Nova hard of hearing. I read this in a few years ago as an advance reader copy for Netgalley and it was honestly one of the best graphic novels I have ever read. The main characters are Chinese American, queer AND magic, which is an amazing combination of representation.

7. Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

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Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price—and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can’t pull it off alone… A convict with a thirst for revenge A sharpshooter who can’t walk away from a wager A runaway with a privileged past A spy known as the Wraith A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes Kaz’s crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction—if they don’t kill each other first.

Leigh Bardugo is a #1 New York Times bestselling author of fantasy novels and the creator of the Grishaverse (now a Netflix original series) which spans the Shadow and Bone Trilogy, the Six of Crows Duology, The Language of Thorns, and King of Scars—with more to come. Her short stories can be found in multiple anthologies, including the Best American Science Fiction & Fantasy. Her other works include Wonder Woman: Warbringer and Ninth House (Goodreads Choice Winner for Best Fantasy 2019) which is being developed for television by Amazon Studios.

Leigh grew up in Southern California and graduated from Yale University. These days she lives and writes in Los Angeles.

In the acknowledgements section of Six of Crows, Bardugo reveals she suffers from osteonecrosis and sometimes needs to use a cane; this was a source of inspiration for one of the story's six protagonists, master thief and gang boss Kaz Brekker, who uses a cane.

I read Six of Crows a few years ago and I really loved it. I’m not going to pretend I managed to finish the whole Grishaverse series, because I haven’t even gotten close yet, but it really showed Kaz’s struggles with his disability, and his mental health. This is part of a duology, and the duology is part of a large series of books with another duology and trilogy, but Six of Crows can be read without reading the others.

8. Hyperbole and A Half by Allie Brosh

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This is a book I wrote. Because I wrote it, I had to figure out what to put on the back cover to explain what it is. I tried to write a long, third-person summary that would imply how great the book is and also sound vaguely authoritative--like maybe someone who isn’t me wrote it--but I soon discovered that I’m not sneaky enough to pull it off convincingly. So, I decided to just make a list of things that are in the book: Pictures Words Stories about things that happened to me Stories about things that happened to other people because of me Eight billion dollars* Stories about dogs The secret to eternal happiness* *These are lies. Perhaps I have underestimated my sneakiness!

Allie is an American blogger, writer and comic artist best known for her blog in the form of a webcomic Hyperbole and a Half. Brosh started Hyperbole in 2009 and told stories from her life in a mix of text and intentionally crude illustrations. She has published two books telling stories in the same style, both of which have been New York Times bestsellers. Brosh lives with severe depression and ADHD, and her comics on depression have won praise from fans and mental health professionals.

Another book on my tbr that I just haven’t gotten around to but really want to.

9. The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness

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What if you aren’t the Chosen One? The one who’s supposed to fight the zombies, or the soul-eating ghosts, or whatever the heck this new thing is, with the blue lights and the death? What if you’re like Mikey? Who just wants to graduate and go to prom and maybe finally work up the courage to ask Henna out before someone goes and blows up the high school. Again. Because sometimes there are problems bigger than this week’s end of the world, and sometimes you just must find the extraordinary in your ordinary life. Even if your best friend is worshipped by mountain lions...

Patrick Ness, an award-winning novelist, has written for England’s Radio 4 and Sunday Telegraph and is a literary critic for The Guardian. He has written many books, including the Chaos Walking Trilogy, The Crash of Hennington, Topics About Which I Know Nothing, and A Monster Calls. He has won numerous awards, including the Guardian Children’s Fiction Prize, the Booktrust Teenage Prize, and the Costa Children’s Book Award. Born in Virginia, he currently lives in London.

Patrick Ness has written about OCD and anxiety in at least two of his books, inspired by his own experiences with the two disorders and how it affects him (The Rest of Us Just Live Here & Release)

10. Every Heart A Doorway by Seanan McGuire

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Eleanor West’s Home for Wayward Children No Solicitations No Visitors No Quests Children have always disappeared under the right conditions; slipping through the shadows under a bed or at the back of a wardrobe, tumbling down rabbit holes and into old wells, and emerging somewhere... else. But magical lands have little need for used-up miracle children. Nancy tumbled once, but now she’s back. The things she’s experienced... they change a person. The children under Miss West’s care understand all too well. And each of them is seeking a way back to their own fantasy world. But Nancy’s arrival marks a change at the Home. There’s a darkness just around each corner, and when tragedy strikes, it’s up to Nancy and her new-found schoolmates to get to the heart of the matter. No matter the cost.

Seanan lives in an idiosyncratically designed labyrinth in the Pacific Northwest, which she shares with her cats, Alice and Thomas, a vast collection of creepy dolls and horror movies, and sufficient books to qualify her as a fire hazard. She has strongly held and oft-expressed beliefs about the origins of the Black Death, the X-Men, and the need for chainsaws in daily life.

Years of writing blurbs for convention program books have fixed Seanan in the habit of writing all her bios in the third person, to sound marginally less dorky. Stress is on the "marginally." It probably doesn't help that she has so many hobbies.

Seanan was the winner of the 2010 John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer, and her novel Feed (as Mira Grant) was named as one of Publishers Weekly's Best Books of 2010. In 2013 she became the first person ever to appear five times on the same Hugo Ballot.

Seanan McGuire has an invisible disability due to herniated disks in her spine. She is slowly coming to terms with this, and talks about it occasionally on her twitter, and about the struggles she faces.

I loved this book, and so did my best friend. We both read it in one sitting and talked nonstop about it afterwards. Although short, its filled with amazing characters, plot, and representation (asexual character!!)

11. Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan

Each year, eight beautiful girls are chosen as Paper Girls to serve the king. It's the highest honour they could hope for...and the most demeaning. This year, there's a ninth. And instead 📷of paper, she's made of fire. In this richly developed fantasy, Lei is a member of the Paper caste, the lowest and most persecuted class of people in Ikhara. She lives in a remote village with her father, where the decade-old trauma of watching her mother snatched by royal guards for an unknown fate still haunts her. Now, the guards are back and this time it's Lei they're after -- the girl with the golden eyes whose rumoured beauty has piqued the king's interest. Over weeks of training in the opulent but oppressive palace, Lei and eight other girls learns the skills and charm that befit a king's consort. There, she does the unthinkable -- she falls in love. Her forbidden romance becomes enmeshed with an explosive plot that threatens her world's entire way of life. Lei, still the wide-eyed country girl at heart, must decide how far she's willing to go for justice and revenge.

Natasha Ngan is a writer and yoga teacher. She grew up between Malaysia, where the Chinese side of her family is from, and the UK. This multicultural upbringing continues to influence her writing, and she is passionate about bringing diverse stories to teens. Ngan studied Geography at the University of Cambridge before working as a social media consultant and fashion blogger. She lives in France with her partner, where they recently moved from Paris to be closer to the sea. Her novel Girls of Paper and Fire was a New York Times bestseller. Natasha has a heart condition, and talks about her struggles with her health, and gives updates on her health and her books on twitter.

I’ve heard a lot about this book, but for trigger warning reasons it sadly isn’t on my to be read list. Everything I’ve heard about it says its an amazing book though, and the cover is beautiful.

12. Queens of Geek by Jen Wilde

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Three friends, two love stories, one convention: this fun, feminist love letter to geek culture is all about fandom, friendship, and finding the courage to be yourself. Charlie likes to stand out. She’s a vlogger and actress promoting her first movie at SupaCon, and this is her chance to show fans she’s over her public breakup with co-star Reese Ryan. When internet-famous cool-girl actress Alyssa Huntington arrives as a surprise guest, it seems Charlie’s long-time crush on her isn’t as one-sided as she thought. Taylor likes to blend in. Her brain is wired differently, making her fear change. And there’s one thing in her life she knows will never change: her friendship with her best guy friend Jamie—no matter how much she may secretly want it to. But when she hears about a fan contest for her favourite fandom, she starts to rethink her rules on playing it safe.

Jen Wilde is the YA author of QUEENS OF GEEK, THE BRIGHTSIDERS and GOING OFF SCRIPT. She writes unapologetically queer stories about geeks, rockstars, and fangirls who smash the patriarchy in their own unique ways. Her books have been praised in Teen Vogue, Buzzfeed, Autostraddle, Vulture and Bustle. Originally from Australia, Jen now lives in NYC where she spends her time writing, drinking too much coffee and binging reality TV.

Researching for this collab was the first time this book popped up on my radar as something I might be interested in reading. Jen Wilde, the author, is herself autistic and suffers from anxiety, which gives the narrative “authenticity that is lacking in similar books” according to socialjusticebooks.org.

13. The Upside of Unrequited by Becky Albertalli

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Seventeen-year-old Molly Peskin-Suso knows all about unrequited love—she’s lived through it twenty-six times. She crushes hard and crushes often, but always in secret. Because no matter how many times her twin sister, Cassie, tells her to woman up, Molly can’t stomach the idea of rejection. So, she’s careful. Fat girls always have to be careful. Then a cute new girl enters Cassie’s orbit, and for the first time ever, Molly’s cynical twin is a lovesick mess. Meanwhile, Molly’s totally not dying of loneliness—except for the part where she is. Luckily, Cassie’s new girlfriend comes with a cute hipster-boy sidekick. Will is funny and flirtatious and just might be perfect crush material. Maybe more than crush material. And if Molly can win him over, she’ll get her first kiss and she’ll get her twin back. There’s only one problem: Molly’s co-worker Reid. He’s an awkward Tolkien superfan with a season pass to the Ren Faire, and there’s absolutely no way Molly could fall for him. Right?

Becky Albertalli is the author of the acclaimed novels Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda (film: Love, Simon), The Upside of Unrequited, and Leah on the Offbeat. She is also the co-author of What If It's Us with Adam Silvera. A former clinical psychologist who specialized in working with children and teens, Becky lives with her family in Atlanta.

Becky Albertalli has generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), and has spoken about it in several interviews, which you can find online. She has also written several characters in her books who also suffer with anxiety. Her first book, Simon vs the Homosapien’s Agenda (or Love, Simon), is the only book of hers that I have read so far, and I loved it. It was the first contemporary book that I read and actually enjoyed.

14. Carve the Mark by Veronica Roth

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Cyra is the sister of the brutal tyrant who rules the Shotet people. Cyra’s current gift gives her pain and power—something her brother exploits, using her to torture his enemies. But Cyra is much more than just a blade in her brother’s hand: she is resilient, quick on her feet, and smarter than he knows. Akos is the son of a farmer and an oracle from the frozen nation-planet of Thuvhe. Protected by his unusual currentgift, Akos is generous in spirit, and his loyalty to his family is limitless. Once Akos and his brother are captured by enemy Shotet soldiers, Akos is desperate to get his brother out alive—no matter what the cost. Then Akos is thrust into Cyra's world, and the enmity between their countries and families seems insurmountable. Will they help each other to survive, or will they destroy one another?

Veronica Roth is the #1 New York Times best-selling author of the Divergent series (Divergent, Insurgent, Allegiant, and Four: A Divergent Collection), the Carve the Mark duology (Carve the Mark, the Fates Divide), The End and Other Beginnings collection of short fiction, and many short stories and essays. Her first book for adult audiences, Chosen Ones, is out now. She lives in Chicago.

Veronica Roth suffers from anxiety, like a lot of the authors on this list, and talks about it in interviews. A quote from one: "I've had an anxiety disorder my whole life, so I've been to therapy on and off throughout, before books and after books. I went back and tried to talk through some of the things I was feeling and experiencing, and it was helpful."

I’ve never read any of her books, not even the hugely famous Divergent trilogy, though they’ve been on my radar for years. I’d love to get into her books at some point, but it might take me a few years.

15. How to be Autistic by Charlotte Amelia Poe

📷An urgent, funny, shocking, and impassioned memoir by the winner of the Spectrum Art Prize 2018, How To Be Autistic by Charlotte Amelia Poe presents the rarely shown point of view of someone living with autism. Poe’s voice is confident, moving and often funny, as they reveal to us a very personal account of autism, mental illness, gender and sexual identity. As we follow Charlotte’s journey through school and college, we become as awestruck by their extraordinary passion for life as by the enormous privations that they must undergo to live it. From food and fandom to body modification and comic conventions, Charlotte’s experiences through the torments of schooldays and young adulthood leave us with a riot of conflicting emotions: horror, empathy, despair, laugh-out-loud amusement and, most of all, respect. For Charlotte, autism is a fundamental aspect of their identity and art. They address the reader in a voice that is direct, sharply clever and ironic. They witness their own behaviour with a wry humour as they sympathise with those who care for them, yet all the while challenging the neurotypical narratives of autism as something to be ‘fixed’. This is an exuberant, inspiring, life-changing insight into autism from a viewpoint almost entirely missing from public discussion. ‘I wanted to show the side of autism that you don’t find in books and on Facebook. My story is about survival, fear and, finally, hope. There will be parts that make you want to cover your eyes, but I beg you to read on, because if I can change just one person’s perceptions, if I can help one person with autism feel like they’re less alone, then this will all be worth it.’ Charlotte Amelia Poe is a self-taught artist and writer living in Lowestoft, Suffolk. They also work with video and won the inaugural Spectrum Art Prize with the film they submitted, 'How to Be Autistic’. Myriad published Charlotte's memoir, How to Be Autistic, in September 2019.

Another book I didn’t know about until researching for this post, but I really want to read it because I haven’t read many books about autism, and practically none of them were actually written by someone who actually is autistic. Charlotte uses they/them pronouns.

16. Ask me about my Uterus by Abby Norman

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For any woman who has experienced illness, chronic pain, or endometriosis comes an inspiring memoir advocating for recognition of women's health issues In the fall of 2010, Abby Norman's strong dancer's body dropped forty pounds and grey hairs began to sprout from her temples. She was repeatedly hospitalized in excruciating pain, but the doctors insisted it was a urinary tract infection and sent her home with antibiotics. Unable to get out of bed, much less attend class, Norman dropped out of college and embarked on what would become a years-long journey to discover what was wrong with her. It wasn't until she took matters into her own hands--securing a job in a hospital and educating herself over lunchtime reading in the medical library--that she found an accurate diagnosis of endometriosis. In Ask Me About My Uterus, Norman describes what it was like to have her pain dismissed, to be told it was all in her head, only to be taken seriously when she was accompanied by a boyfriend who confirmed that her sexual performance was, indeed, compromised. Putting her own trials into a broader historical, sociocultural, and political context, Norman shows that women's bodies have long been the battleground of a never-ending war for power, control, medical knowledge, and truth. It's time to refute the belief that being a woman is a pre-existing condition.

Abby Norman’s debut book, ASK ME ABOUT MY UTERUS: A Quest to Make Doctors Believe in Women’s Pain, was published by Bold Type Books (Hachette Book Group) in 2018, with advance praise from Gillian Anderson, Lindsey Fitzharris, Jenny Lawson, and Padma Lakshmi.

The book was praised by The New York Times Book Review, The Wall Street Journal, New York Magazine, The Washington Post, The Sunday Times, The Irish Times, Literary Review, The Times Literary Supplement, The New Republic, Book Riot, Toronto Star, ELLE, Health Magazine, Undark Magazine, BUST Magazine, Bitch Magazine, Ms. Magazine, BBC Radio 5, and other international media outlets.

In 2019, the paperback edition was published in the U.S. and the Korean translation in Seoul (Momento Publishing/Duran Kim Agency).

Her work has been featured in Harper’s, Medium, The Independent, Literary Hub, The Rumpus, Mental Floss, Atlas Obscura, and elsewhere. Interviews and profiles have been seen and heard, including NPR/WNYC, BBC, Anchor.fm, The New York Times, Playboy, Forbes, Glamour, Women’s Health, and Bitch Magazine.

Abby Norman suffers from endometriosis, which was a large part of why she wrote her book, and why she advocates so hard for fellow patients at conferences such as Stanford University’s Stanford Medicine X and the Endometriosis Foundation of America’s medical conference and Patient Day. She is

Abby has served on technical expert panels including the National Partnership for Women and Families’ CORE Network (Yale University), the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), the Centres for Medicare and Medicaid, The Society for Women’s Health Research (SWHR), and Health Affairs.

In 2019, Abby contributed to a paper addressing research gaps and unmet needs in endometriosis published in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

This book is definitely one I will be adding to my to be read list, as someone who (unfortunately) also has a uterus, it is important to be informed. And Abby sounds like such a badass who wrote a whole book about her chronic illness to help others with the same condition.

17. Stim: Autistic Anthology by Lizzie Huxley-Jones

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Around one in one hundred people in the UK are autistic, yet there remains a fundamental misunderstanding of what autism is. It is rare that autistic people get to share their own experiences, show how creative and talented and passionate they are, how different they are from media stereotypes. This insightful and eye-opening collection of essays, fiction and visual art showcases the immense talents of some of the UK's most exciting writers and artists - who just happen to be on the spectrum. Here they reclaim the power to speak for themselves and redefine what it means to be autistic. Stim invites the reader into the lives, experiences, minds of the eighteen contributors, and asks them to recognise the hurdles of being autistic in a non-autistic world and to uncover the empathy and understanding necessary to continue to champion brilliant yet unheard voices.

Lizzie (Hux) Huxley-Jones is an autistic author and editor based in London. They are the editor of Stim, an anthology of autistic authors and artists, which was published by Unbound in April 2020 to coincide with World Autism Awareness Week. They are also the author of the children’s biography Sir David Attenborough: A Life Story. They can be found editing at independent micropublisher 3 of Cups Press, and they also advise writers as a freelance sensitivity reader and consultant. In their past career lives, they have been a research diver, a children’s bookseller and digital communications specialist.

I wasn’t even aware that there was an anthology out there by an autistic author, about autism, but now that I do I need to read it.

18. Chimera by Jaecyn Bonê

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Creatures unlike you've imagined before! Welcome to a world where myths and legends collide to create a new breed of monster. Savage and soulful, these monstrosities combine to form the mighty Chimera. In this anthology, talented writers weave 10 tales of fantastical beasts. Featuring stories by: Matt Bliss Jaecyn Boné Alexis L. Carroll Chris Durston Dewi Hargreaves Stephen Howard Samuel Logan Vincent Metzo Braden Rohl Michelle Tang

Jaecyn is a queer, non-binary, disabled Asian-American writer and digital artist fascinated by faeries.

Most of their writing involves wlw romance and faery-inspired creatures. Their first novel, Farzana's Spite is a 10-year-old work in progress and the first novel in The Faerth series. Other works include The Killing Song (novel) and Colour Unknown (short), both of which are also part of the Faerth universe.

Jaecyn's art can be described as a neorealistic pop art style with cel shading. They began their digital art journey with a 5-year-old refurbished iPad using their finger as a stylus and immediately fell in love. They do digital download commissions as well as sell prints of their artwork.

Jaecyn is the Co-Editor in Chief of the Limeoncello Magazine, an online Own Voices literary magazine which debuted its first issue on March 21st, 2021.

When not writing, drawing, or chasing after their two children, they can be found either gardening or practicing their ukulele.

None of Jaecyn Boné’s books are published yet as they are still in the stage of querying, but they contributed to the above anthology, along with nine other authors. I had no idea that this anthology existed, and now I’ll be closely following this author to see when their books get published!

19. Forest of Souls by Lori M Lee

Sirscha Ashwyn comes from nothing, but she’s intent on becoming something. After years of training to become the queen’s next royal spy, her plans are derailed when shamans attack 📷and kill her best friend Saengo. And then Sirscha, somehow, restores Saengo to life. Unveiled as the first soul guide in living memory, Sirscha is summoned to the domain of the Spider King. For centuries, he has used his influence over the Dead Wood—an ancient forest possessed by souls—to enforce peace between the kingdoms. Now, with the trees growing wild and untamed, only a soul guide can restrain them. As war looms, Sirscha must master her newly awakened abilities before the trees shatter the brittle peace, or worse, claim Saengo, the friend she would die for.

Lori M. Lee is the author of speculative novels and short stories. Her books include PAHUA AND THE SOUL STEALER (Disney/Rick Riordan Presents), FOREST OF SOULS and the sequel BROKEN WEB (Page Street), and more. She’s also a contributor to the anthologies A THOUSAND BEGINNINGS AND ENDINGS and COLOR OUTSIDE THE LINES. She considers herself a unicorn fan, enjoys marathoning TV shows, and loves to write about magic, manipulation, and family.

Lori struggles with anxiety, and the common symptoms like fatigue but she doesn’t let this stop her writing amazing books. I read Forest of Souls earlier this year, and it was seriously one of the best books I’ve ever read. I loved the magic, the characters, the world building. Everything about it, including the plot twist ending that had me losing my mind at 2am, was just so unlike anything I had read in any other fantasy before.

20. A Song of Wraiths and Ruin by Roseanne A Brown

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For Malik, the Solstasia festival is a chance to escape his war-stricken home and start a new life with his sisters in the prosperous desert city of Ziran. But when a vengeful spirit abducts Malik’s younger sister, Nadia, as payment into the city, Malik strikes a fatal deal—kill Karina, Crown Princess of Ziran, for Nadia’s freedom. But Karina has deadly aspirations of her own. Her mother, the Sultana, has been assassinated; her court threatens mutiny; and Solstasia looms like a knife over her neck. Grief-stricken, Karina decides to resurrect her mother through ancient magic . . . requiring the beating heart of a king. And she knows just how to obtain one: by offering her hand in marriage to the victor of the Solstasia competition. When Malik rigs his way into the contest, they are set on a course to destroy each other. But as attraction flares between them and ancient evils stir, will they be able to see their tasks to the death?

Roseanne “Rosie” A. Brown was born in Kumasi, Ghana and immigrated to the wild jungles of central Maryland as a child. Writing was her first love, and she knew from a young age that she wanted to use the power of writing—creative and otherwise—to connect the different cultures she called home. She graduated from the University of Maryland with a Bachelor’s in Journalism and was also a teaching assistant for the school’s Jiménez-Porter Writers’ House program. Her journalistic work has been featured by Voice of America among other outlets.

On the publishing side of things, she has worked as an editorial intern at Entangled Publishing. Rosie was a 2017 Pitch Wars mentee and 2018 Pitch Wars mentor. Rosie currently lives outside Washington D.C., where in her free time she can usually be found wandering the woods, making memes, or thinking about Star Wars.

Roseanne is another author that struggles with anxiety and wrote one of her two main characters with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), despite it being a fantasy. I don’t even think I can name a fantasy that had a character with anxiety represented so well. This was a book I read around the same time as Forest of Souls, and I loved it. The cover was beautiful, the characters were brilliant, and I just loved the world building, the magic, and the plot. It was just different to the usual fantasy books I read, and I enjoyed the variation so much I’ve had the sequel pre ordered almost a year in advance.

So, this was my 20 books by 20 chronically ill, disabled or neurodiverse authors list. Blurbs and synopsis were compiled between Goodreads and author websites, and bios were found either on Goodreads, author websites or on amazon author pages. All the information about their chronic illnesses, disabilities or neurodivergence was found online, where they had either explicitly said it or written about it, but if I have something wrong, please let me know so I can fix it!

If you have any other suggestions or know any other books and authors that should be on this list, please let me know and I’ll do my best to add it to the list as soon as possible.

Thanks for reading 😊

#bookblr #reviews #recs #books

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neeswords · 4 years ago

Text

Pairing: Kelly Severide x Reader

Requested?: no

Word count: 2032

Authors notes: I hope you enjoy it. If you would like a personalised one please do ask :) have fun reading! I am writing imagines for anyone in the one Chicago series!

Trigger warning(s): mention of death

Summary: Y/N is a lawyer and has received an arson case. She does to arson investigation for help and meets Severide. They explore the crime scene and spend time together and later become close.

You worked at the district attorneys office. You had just been given a case against a Javi Torres for arson and murder.

"Jessica this case is next to nothing. I don't have enough to put him away for arson let alone murder." You sighed.

"Y/N Y/L/N when have you ever not accepted a challenge. You are my best prosecutor hence the hard case. You'll do me proud you always do." Jessica, your boss smiled.

You laughed. "Can I speak with arson investigation maybe one of them can testify or give me something to look this man up. Good chances are a jury will believe the word of a fire expert."

Jessica just simply nodded.

You arrived at arson headquarters and gave the receptionist the case number. She referred you to someone called Wendy Seager. You went into the office to be met with a small short haired lady and a tall man. This man was wearing a jacket which said squad so you guessed he was a firefighter.

"Hi miss Y/L/N. Wendy Seager and this is Lieutenant Kelly Severide, fire house 51, I'm guessing you got the pleasure of locking Mr Torres up. How can we help you?" Seager said kindly.

You chuckled. "Nice to meet you. And I was wondering if I could use your expertise here. I believe that you are the ones who declared this case arson? I will 100% stand for your case but from all the information I have been given, I don't have anything that places Mr Torres at the scene. What make you think it was him?" You sternly said.

This 'Kelly Severide' then stepped in.

"I responded to the call. The fire was out of control before we even got to the house. My squad, squad 3 were first on scene and we saw this black car parked across the street we had just predicted he was the one who called in the fire. One of my men approached him to ask if he knew what caused it and the bastard just drove off. This man being Torres. We prayed no one would be in that house because to any fire fighter it was obvious this wasn't going to be a rescue, it would be a recovery. Engine 51 put out the fire and we then went in. And do you know what we found? 4 bodies. 2 of them were children. This man sat in his car knowing that these kids and their parents were being burnt alive. Tell me that's not enough to lock him up."

You sighed. "Look I'm sorry that you had to go though that, it sounds really tough. And my heart goes out to that poor family. However from what your telling me this man was just sat in his car. It's not a crime to not go into a burning building. I'm sorry Lieutenant but my hands are tied here." You said apologetically.

And with that Severide was about to leave. Before he opened the door he turned around and said

"I know he did it. I just know." And slammed the door on his way out, clearly annoyed.

Something in you believed him. You wanted to fight this case for him but you just didn't have the proof to do so. You went back to the office and went over the entire case file. You could prove that this case was arson, the cans of gasoline prove it but you just couldn't prove it was Mr Torres.

"Y/N what are you still doing here it's late?" Jessica suddenly came into your office.

"There's something off about this case. Do you think I could visit the scene?" You asked timidly.

"It late Y/L/N—"

"I'll be an hour at the most" You interrupted her.

"Fine go. But don't go alone." Jessica sighed

You probably should have gone to arson investigation and asked for someone to go with you but instead you ended up at Fire house 51.

You walked in and was greeted by a tall blonde man in a white shirt. " Hi I'm Captain Casey how can I help you?"

You didn't really know what to say, you'd just turned up at a fire house unexpectedly. "Hi I'm Y/N Y/L/N" you shook his hand "I work for the district attorneys office. Erm is Lieutenant Severide around?"

Casey replied "right this way" He led you into Severides office. "Thank you Captain" you smiled. He responded with an "anytime" and then left. As soon as Severide saw you he immediately stood up. "Have you got something?" He asked straight up.

"No, I haven't but I was wondering if you wanted to come to the scene with me. Maybe there's something that's been missed or maybe someone saw something? I mean it's a long shot but it's worth a try right?" You said. Without an answer he grabbed his radio and said "ill go inform my chief".

His Chief agreed and you and Severide made your way to the burnt house. You took your car. The car ride was relatively silent. You decided to speak up. "You know I believe you right." You didn't look up from the road. Severide didn't say anything. You awkwardly sat there.

After a while, you arrived at the house, well if you can even call it that anymore. You went to the door which was covered in a board. "Erm maybe we should call CPD for assis—" Severide interrupted you by kicking it down. "Never mind" you mumbled. You swallowed hard it was so dark it was a somewhat scary setting. You had no idea what you were looking for you just needed something that placed Torres at this scene. Severide wondered off ,so you decided to look around the front of the house. Most of it was ash. There was this family photo. The kids were so little you could see why severide was so touched.

"Hey erm law lady I think I might have something" Severide shouted from upstairs. You giggled and rolled your eyes and the name he called you.

He was pointing out the window. " you see that?" You nodded. "A street camera. How did CPD not pick up on that?"

He shrugged and called on his radio. " Lieutenant severide to squad 3. Request for squad to my location."

"Law lady?" You asked with a little laugh.

He turned around and smiled. "Yeah sorry about that I've been so stressed with this case that I didn't really pick up on your name." You just laughed

Within about 5 minutes squad turned up. "Cruz get me a ladder." Severide instructed his men. "Coming right up boss" was this mans response. Severide got the camera down within a couple of minutes. "Let's head back to the station and see what we can pull of this." He said whilst holding the camera up.

Once you were back at the station you and Severide sat at the squad table trying to find the footage you were praying for.

An hour had passed and the camera went black. Severide put his head in his hands and sighed.

"Hey we'll find something" you said whilst placing a hand on his. He gave you a comforting smile back.

It has got the the time frame of 10 minutes before the fire and the camera had come back on. You looked at severide to find that he was already looking at you. "This has to be it right?" He asked. You just looked at the screen. This black figure was entering the house through a side gate. We couldn't quite get a face out of it though. Severide was getting frustrated. "Turn you son of a bitch let's see your face" The man on the video had gotten into the house. When he suddenly came running back out. Due to the angle of the camera we couldn't see where abouts he went. He still made sure to cover his face. He went running back in with the gasoline cans. He took them into the house and then ran out. Except this time we got a glimpse of his face. Severide managed to pause it on his face. "That's him. Try telling me that's not him." He said. You sighed again "it's too blurry to be certain but I have a tech person at my firm ,let me see what he can do."

"Thank you" Severide smiled at you.

"Anytime" you said whilst grabbing your stuff. Just as you were leaving you turned around to him and said "Y/N Y/L/N" Severide looked at you confused. You laughed. "My name. My name is Y/N."

He smiled again "right"

Time skip to after the case.

You won the case. Olly the tech guy managed to get a clearer image. He even ran the face though facial recognition and guess who came up? Javi Torres. You hadn't seen severide since the night you got the camera. So you decided to go and tell him the good news in person.

You arrived at fire house 51 and saw Severide sat at his squad table. You walked up to him and just smiled hoping he would get why. "You won?!" He enthusiastically said. "No we won!" You answered. He smiled and stood up. "I never had a doubt" he softly spoke. You didn't know what to say so you sheepishly smiled. Out of nowhere he hugged you and softly whispered in your ear "thank you" you hugged back and responded "of course" you pulled back softly and Severide then pulled your hand "hey come on. Come meet the rest of us". You shook your head. " I can't I have to be back at the office, I'm on a tight schedule. Being a lawyer is never ending." You said. He nodded. "Well at least let me take you for a drink then?" You smiled. "I'd like that." You gave him your number and you went your separate ways

Later that night Severide text you asking to meet at this bar called mollys. It was apparently owned by one of the firefighters he worked with.

Once you arrived you saw severide sat with the captain whom you had previously met. You walked over. As soon as severide saw you he stood up and greeted you with a hug. You obviously hugged back. "Hey nice to see you again. I'll give you two some space" Casey said. Severide mouthed a 'thank you' to him and then devoted his attention back onto you.

"You look beautiful" he said which made you blush. You looked down. " thank you" you mumbled.

"Can I get you a drink?" He politely asked

"Erm sure a beers fine." You shyly responded.

Throughout the night severide introduced you to most of firehouse 51. They were all so welcoming and kind. Your personal favourite was Herrman you really liked his attitude. It was getting late and you had work in the morning so you decided it was probably your time to go.

You turned to Severide. " I've had an amazing time tonight but I have work early tomorrow so imma head home." You said softly.

"Right erm yeah. Let me walk you out." He smiled

You'd just left the door of mollys when severide pulls you into him. His face was so close to yours. You could feel his hot breath against your face. It took everything in you to not just grab his face and kiss him. "I enjoyed spending time with you" he whispered. You couldn't form any words. You were so weakened. You couldn't stand it much longer so you went to pull back when he grabbed your face. His lips met yours. It was kind of rough yet passionate. It was clear that we were both craving each other. After a couple of minutes we both pulled back. "Wow" was all you could say. He laughed.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" He asked. Your smirked and whispered "Or, we could go back to my place, it's not too far from here." And that's where you went.

#kelly severide #imagine #one chicago #chicago fire #chicago pd #chicago med #wallace boden #matt casey #joe cruz #fanfic #kelly severide x reader #kelly severide imagine #kelly severide fanfiction

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kpoptrashibnida · 5 years ago

Text

Enough Pt. 11

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the long delay! I work for an airline and work has me busy! I’ve been so exhausted and have had little time to write. But here it is! And this is actually the longest chapter so far! And as you can guess due to the gif, our man Chanyeol is back in the picture! Happy Reading!

“You look very nice. Something important going on today?” Jaehyun asked, eyeing you slowly from his seated position on your bed.

“Thanks.” You said, tucking your purple silk blouse into your skirt. “We have a meeting this morning with Loey and his manager. He agreed to work with us on the opening gala, but he insisted on meeting the marketing director.” You explained, clasping your diamond studs in your ear.

He silently watched you as you put a touch of perfume on, not quite understanding why this Loey guy needed to meet the marketing director.

You did look very good though, with your black pencil skirt that hugged your curves the right way. It was sexy yet still work appropriate and he couldn’t help the way he felt as he watched you get ready. He slowly rose from the bed and made his way towards you, coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist.

“What are you doing?” You asked playfully, the feather light kisses he was giving your neck made goosebumps arise on your skin.

“You look so good.” He murmured against your neck, softly biting the flesh. “I can’t help the way you make me feel.” Jaehyun roamed his hands around your hips and trailed them up your torso until he cupped one of your breasts.

“Jaehyun, stop.” You say weakly, “I have to leave soon. I have an important meeting, remember?” You chide, trying to get out of his grasp but failing when his arms tightened around you.

“Come on baby, I’ll be quick but satisfying…” He said, lickinga stripe up your neck.

-----------------------------------------------

“You’re late.” Wendy said as you walked into your office to retrieve your portfolio.

“Are they here already?” You asked in a panic, walking briskly to the conference room with Wendy by your side.

“No, they’re arriving soon. But I wanted us to be ready. I’m sorry I’m just so nervous.” Wendy rambled, adjusting her collar over and over.

“It’s understandable, don’t worry. You are going to do great.” You reassured, giving her a hug.

“Hey noonas, I got word that Loey just got here. They’re on their way up.” Mark said as he came into the conference room, holding two cups of coffee in hand.

“Thanks for the heads up.” You said, gratefully receiving the coffee cup from Mark.

“I’ll be a phone call away if you guys need me for anything.” He said as he walked out of the conference room.

“Thanks Mark.” Wendy said, placing her coffee on the table.

You adjust your hair behind your ears and smooth out your skirt in the attempt to look presentable.

“Um, you might want to adjust your shirt before they get here.” Wendy said, pointing at your shirt.

“Why? Is it wrinkled?” You asked, looking down at your shirt.

“No, but you can see a hickey poking out of your collarbone.” She said, trying to keep a straight face.

“Fucking damnit, I told Jaehyun to be careful.” You muttered to yourself as you adjusted your shirt collar.

“Oh my gosh, you had sex before coming to work?” Wendy whispered scandalized, cheeks heating up at the thought.

“Yes Wendy, it’s not a sin. I just didn’t see the mark before leaving the house.” You said, adjusting your blouse the best you could. “Is it still noticeable?” You asked.

“No, you’re good. Just try not to move too much.” She instructed, moving some of your hair to cover the area as well.

“Hey ladies, they’re here.” Mark said as he opened the door, letting the men enter.

“Hi, welcome! We are so excited to meet with you today.” Wendy said at the figures entering the conference room.

You looked up to greet Loey and his team only to have your words get stuck in your throat. You felt your eyes widen comically and everything around you felt like it slowed down. You could not hear anything aside from your raging pulse in your ears. Your hands got cold and you could feel your knees trembling to the point that if you didn’t sit down this instant you were going to face plant the floor. You were standing in front of Park Chan-fucking-yeol.

The nudge to your side is what brought you out of your momentary freak out. Wendy was looking quizzically at your quietness since you were normally very composed during meetings.

“Hi, sorry. Nice to finally meet you, Loey.” You couldn’t help the bitter emphasis on his alias name. Wendy gave you a side glance because of your tone, confused as to why her professional coworker is acting weird.

“Nice to meet you too. I am very excited to work with everyone here at Friends Corp for the opening gala.” Chanyeol said, a stupid grin on his face as he stuck his hand out for a hand shake.

Wendy, ever the professional, shook his hand enthusiastically while you were a bit more reluctant to do so.

“And this is my assistant, Sehun. Oh Sehun.” Chanyeol said, attracting the attention towards his quiet companion. You had failed to notice him at first, since you were busy feeling enraged at the sight of Chanyeol.

“Hi Mr. Oh, it’s a pleasure.” Wendy greeted him with a handshake.

“Yes Mr. Oh, it’s a great pleasure to work with you.” You said in mock politeness. You could not believe he was in on this.

“Likewise.” He said sheepishly, shaking your hand with unnecessary force.

Sehun was also friends with Suho and you knew him well. You hung out with him many times and you actually considered him a close friend, almost a brother. So to say you felt a little betrayed was an understatement.

“Okay, well if you would all take a seat, we can get started.” Wendy said, pointing to the chairs. Sehun and Chanyeol followed suit, taking a seat at the table.

Wendy went into detail about the itinerary of the performances for the opening gala, the other artists performing and the order the respective talents will be performing. Sehun and Chanyeol were very attentive at Wendy’s presentation and you start to feel more and more aggravated at the fact that you were in a meeting that did not seem like you needed to be there for.

“And now we just need to know which rookie artist Loey will be using for the performance.” Wendy said at the end of her presentation, making you come out of your stupor.

“Loey will be using a new solo artist. She is young and has promising talent. Her name is Ara and she will be performing a ballad as well as a more upbeat pop song.” Sehun the manager said as he handed you and Wendy a portfolio with Ara’s photo and information about her performances.

You were looking through her portfolio when your phone vibrated on the table, grabbing everyone’s attention.

“Sorry.” You muttered as you grabbed your phone to see who messaged you.

Babe: I can’t stop thinking about you. Want to get lunch together? I worked up a bit of an appetite this morning ;)

You rolled your eyes at your boyfriend's cheesy message and tried to suppress the smile from reaching your face.

Me: I’m down for some pizza. I need some carbs after all that cardio

Babe: God you’re hot

You chuckled at Jaehyun’s message and put your phone away, focusing on the portfolio in front of you. The sensation of someone watching you was strong and you looked up to see that Chanyeol was staring at you with an inquisitive look on his face. You returned a blank stare before clearing your throat, getting Wendy and Sehun’s attention as well.

“Miss Ara seems like a great addition to the performances. Wendy here is the expert in that area. Sorry if it seems rude, but I am curious as to why my presence was needed today.” You say and you swear Wendy’s eyes bulge out of their sockets at your question. Sehun looked uncomfortable and Chanyeol raised a brow at your challenging inquiry. He liked seeing you in your element and was excited to be so close to you.

“Well the reason is because I want to make sure that her performance is marketed properly.” Chanyeol finally spoke up, a challenging tone in his voice as well. You tried hard not to scoff and roll your eyes at him; no matter the history between the two of you, you were at work and needed to be professional.

“Of course it will be marketed correctly.” You bit back, insulted at his insinuation that you would not do a good job.

“Of course Loey, we strive hard to make sure that all our performers are marketed the best way possible.” Wendy said in a chirpy tone, giving you a quick glare at your tone.

“I understand that Ms. Son, but it’s important that this is marketed right because I will be performing with Ara.” Chanyeol said, making all three of you whip your head towards him.

“Um, Loey, we had not discussed this before.” Sehun said, looking absolutely panicked.

“Yes, I think it's time people know the face behind the talent.” He said smugly as he sat back on his chair.

It took all the living force in you not to reach over and slap him across the face for being so cocky and arrogant. It seems like old habits die hard because Sehun looked absolutely perplexed at Chanyeol’s announcement of performing with Ara, proving once again just how selfish he is.

“Okay, and you need the marketing director because…?” You inquired, still not understanding why the hell you were there.

“Because since I will be making my first appearance as an artist and not just a composer, I want to make sure it’s marketed in a way that will highlight the talent Ara has and my talent as a performer as well as a composer.” Chanyeol explained, his calm demeanor really irritated you at this moment. You were convinced he did this on purpose just to spite you.

“That sounds great and all, but don’t you think that you Korean fans that have followed you since the beginning and are huge supporters of all your artists will feel a little betrayed that you are revealing your identity in the US and not in Korea?” You challenged, stunning Sehun and Wendy to silence at your thought, completely agreeing that it could rub netizens the wrong way. Korean fans could be a bit extreme at times.

“Well, that's where you, as the marketing director come in. It’s your job to make sure it’s marketed in a way that my loyal Korean fans won’t be upset.” He said smugly, making your blood boil. Wendy looked over at you panicked because she knew how you got at being called out so callously. And Sehun could not believe what he was hearing, he was actually upset at the fact that Chanyeol was being disrespectful towards you.

You all sat in uncomfortable silence for a couple of seconds, Wendy and Sehun holding their breaths as you stared down Chanyeol. You were livid and wanted to scream at him to get out, but this was not about you and the company really needed top performers for the gala. You also thought about poor Wendy that was next to you close to tears; she had worked so hard for this and you were not going to ruin it just because Chanyeol was being the typical motherfucking asshole that he normally was. After another ten seconds or so, you took a deep breath and willed yourself to keep your composure for the last few remaining minutes of this forsaken meeting.

“Okay, Mr. Park. I will do my best to market you and miss Ara for the gala. Your Korean fans will not be upset about your US reveal once my team and I put out the ads.” You said in the nicest tone of voice you could muster, making both Wendy and Sehun visibly relax. If your hearing didn’t fail you, it sounded like Wendy exhaled a shaky breath which made you feel bad for her.

“Sounds great! When can we discuss further details?” Chanyeol asked, looking a little too hopeful for your taste.

“We can set up another meeting to discuss further details. You can have Mr. Oh email me the necessary information and we can set a date to go over the marketing details.” You said as you gathered your belongings, accidentally dropping your favorite pen on the ground. You reached down to retrieve it and did not realize that your blouse shifted as you moved, momentarily exposing your collar bones. You were fast to adjust it but not fast enough for Chanyeol’s watchful eyes. He stiffened at the sight of the purplish bruise on your collar bone, his breath catching in his throat. His eyes followed your movements and he watched as you tried to hide the mark, the sight of your tainted skin making his skin crawl in an unpleasant way. He knows the type of person that you are, which means you must be in a relationship. Random hookups, aside from him that one time, were not your thing and the thought alone made Chanyeol sick.

“Absolutely, thank you for your time.” Sehun said politely, still feeling awkward about the whole situation.

“We really look forward to working with you.” Wendy said as she stood up and politely shook Chanyeol and Sehun’s hand.

You reluctantly followed her example, not wanting to be completely rude and unprofessional. This was going to be a big deal for this project and that was the reason Namjoon sent you here in the first place; you could not let him down just because your demons decided to catch up to you.

“Thank you for your time.” You politely said as you walked to the door, opening it so you could exit.

You didn’t expect to see Johnny, Mark and Jaehyun leaning on the door, slightly stumbling when you opened it. They sheepishly smile as they receive the confused and slightly judgemental faces of everyone in the room.

“Hi.” Mark breaks the silence, all eyes going to him. “Sorry, we didn’t mean to eavesdrop. But when I told my coworkers here that Loey was in the meeting already, well, they couldn’t help but want to catch a glimpse.” He said, looking like a kid caught red-handed.

Chanyeol chuckled at his explanation, feeling flattered that at least someone in this building was excited to meet him.

“Nice to meet you gentlemen, I am Loey.” Chanyeol said courteously, extending his hand for a handshake.

“Hi, I’m Johnny, nice to meet you. I am very excited to have you working with us!” Johnny introduced himself and tried to keep his composure.

“Thank you Johnny, very nice to meet you.” CHanyeol greeted him, looking over to the familiar face of Mark, who brought him into the conference room earlier.

“Mark, nice to see you again.” He greeted and you swear you saw Mark visibly swoon at his words, which in turn made you roll your eyes at how ridiculous it all seemed.

“Hello, I’m Jaehyun. We are very happy to have you working with us.” Jaehyun the ever professional said, shaking Chanyeol’s hand.

Chanyeol stiffened at the name, having it sound familiar. It was the name of the guy from your Instagram post, the one who commented about being a coffee lover. Chanyeol narrowed his eyes as he eyes him up and down, getting a good look at this guy. He is slightly shorter but not by much and he can tell he has a good build. It kills Chanyeol to admit it, but he isn’t bad-looking either, if you were into the pretty boy types. He knew he was being irrational, but he felt very hostile towards him and he could not stop himself.

“Yes, it’s great.” Chanyeol bit out, shocking everyone with his sudden sour mood.

“We are happy to be working with such a great and competent staff. Excuse us, it was a long flight from Korea and we are a bit tired.” Sehun was quick to act, not wanting to make a bad impression. He discreetly nudged Chanyeol, chastising him for his behavior.

“Yes, sorry. I haven’t had the chance to rest properly.” He said in a monotone voice, not wanting to anger Sehun further, knowing his annoying ass wouldn’t shut up at the hotel.

“Of course! Please take one of our courtesy vehicles to your hotel so you don’t have to take a cab.” Wendy offered, hoping the atmosphere wouldn’t get any more weird.

“Thank you so much, we will. I will be emailing you later with the next meeting details.” Sehun said as he looked at you, an apologetic look on his face.

“I look forward to it Mr. Oh.” You felt bad for him, he had to ‘manage’ and deal with Chanyeol’s bullshit.

With a few more parting words, Chanyeol and Sehun left the conference room. You let out a deep sigh and made eye contact with Wendy who seemed to share your sentiment.

“Was it bad?” Johnny asked, looking at your weary faces.

“No it wasn’t, it’s just a lot.” Wendy explained, still unsure about Chanyeol’s attitude towards the end.

“What was that guys deal anyway? He got all weird when he spoke to Jaehyun hyung.” Mark pointed out the elephant in the room.

“Okay so we all noticed that, right?” Johnny chimed, glad he wasn’t the only one that noticed.

“Yeah I sort of caught that but didn’t really think much of it.” He shrugged, not really caring if this so called Loey guy liked him or not.

“And you shouldn’t.” You agreed, walking up to Jaehyun and wrapping your arms around him. You’re not sure why, but you felt like you really needed his proximity at that moment. The feeling of his arms around you bringing you the comfort you didn’t realize you needed.

“Ugh god. Let's go before they start making out.” Johnny complained, making everyone chuckle.

“You guys just called me single in like ten different languages.” Wendy whined, you parted from Jaehyun's body with a laugh.

“Sorry guys. We will see you later.” Jaehyun said, grabbing your hand and heading out the door. “Ready for lunch?” Jaehyun asks, looking at your pretty face, his gut twisting at the sight. He doesn’t think he will ever get tired of that feeling.

“Yes I am starving. That meeting went longer than anticipated.” You sighed, the prospect of pizza improving your mood significantly.

“How was it, by the way?” Jaehyun asked, very curious to know the answer. He didn’t get a good vibe from that Loey guy.

“It was okay, just a little stressful. For me anyway, I don’t think Wendy had a problem.” You say, not sure why you’re nervous to tell Jaehyun about Chanyeol.

“How come?” He asked, holding the elevator door open for you.

“Do you remember about that guy I told you about when I first moved here? The one I had the ‘thing’ with?” You ask tentatively, not sure if he would remember.

“Oh yeah, that guy…. Chanyeol, right?” He asked, surprising you with the fact that not only he remembered about it but he also remembered his name.

“Yeah. Well, that was him. He is Loey.” You state, looking at him from the corner of your eye.

He was quiet and still for a few seconds, his brain registering what you said. “What? Are you serious?” He was in shock, he could not believe that was the same guy that hurt you.

“Yeah. I had no idea it was him. But that explains how he got the name Loey, it's just Yeol backwards.” You groaned out, mad you didn’t somehow catch on to that beforehand.

“I’m sorry babe. Are you okay?” Jaehyun asks, a tender look in his eyes as he peered into yours.

You nodded your head yes, unable to formulate any words. You should be used to it, but his caring persona never ceased to amaze you. You were so lucky to have someone as understanding as him in your life. You tried to close the gap between you two for a kiss, but quickly pulled back once the elevator door opened at the lobby. You smiled sheepishly making Jaehuyn laugh at your antics. He held your hand once again and you made your way out the building and to your favorite pizza place.

“Come on Chanyeol, I don’t feel comfortable doing this.” Sehun says, his heart beating wildly in his chest. He doesn’t know why he is so nervous, but something about what they are currently doing makes him feel dirty.

“Shut up and duck down.” Chanyeol bites out, irritated at Sehun’s whining. He knew he should have made Jongdae his manager instead. He knew Jongdae enjoyed a good steakout.

“What are you trying to see anyway? Maybe she isn’t going to leave the building anytime soon. I am hungry and I don’t want to be stalking her!” Sehun has finally had it. He gets really hangry and Chanyeol’s desperate actions seem completely bogus.

“I don’t care. I’ll stay here all day if I have to, but I just want to confirm something.” Chanyeol was really losing patience. He wishes he had at least some sweet bread to stuff into Sehun’s mouth to shut him up.

“But I-” Sehun started but Chanyeol shut him up by covering his mouth with his hand. Sehun was about to protest when he saw you walk out of the building hand in hand with Jaehyun. The two of you were talking animatedly and did not notice the two large men hiding behind a car across the street. You had the biggest smile plastered on your face as you spoke to Jaehyun and he had his eyes on you, a small smile gracing his lips. Anyone with a working pair of eyes could see that he was in love with you, and that made Chanyeol’s gut twist painfully. Once you two were around the corner and out of sight, Chanyeol released the breath he didn’t know he was holding, a dull ache left in his chest.

“Damn, Chanyeol. I don’t know what to say.” Sehun said, pity in his voice and Chanyeol hated that. He did not need to be pitied.

He straightened up and adjusted his outfit, trying to regain some type of dignity. By the looks of it, you and Jaehyun were together and things were going great by the big smile plastered on your face and the hickey on your chest.

“Alright, let’s go. We can stop by somewhere to eat before we go back to the hotel. You can choose.” Chanyeol said, the urge to leave became big.

Sehun seemed to forget about what just happened at the mention of food.

“Okay there’s an amazing taco place nearby and I want to try it.” Sehun said, animatedly taking his phone out to look for the address. Chanyeol was thankful for his distraction because he could now will away the stinging of his eyes

~*~

You had just come out of the shower when you noticed your phone ding on your night stand.

It was an email from Sehun inquiring about your next marketing meeting with him and Chanyeol. You groaned not really in the mood to see him again, but you knew that there was nothing you could do about it. This was for the benefit of the company and thankfully everything was going to wrap up soon. This year-long project was ahead of schedule by two months, which meant that everything was going to be finished before the year. The opening date for the pop up shop was going to remain the same, but all the important aspects of this project were almost done. You were excited about the fact that your work days were no longer going to be dragged out and tiring. You were going to need a vacation soon because everything had been so stressful.

“You okay babe?” Jaehyn asked as he came out of the bathroom, his gray sweats hanging low on his hips and he towel dried his hair.

You put your phone down, deciding that you could reply to Sehun tomorrow morning.

“Yes, just checking my email.” You say, appreciating the view of his toned body.

“Hey so I think I am going to go to Connecticut to visit some old friends this weekend. Would you like to join me? Or are you going to be busy?” He asked, remembering that you had mentioned you still had a lot of work to do before the next briefing.

“Aw babe I would love to, but I do need to stay. I need to go over a lot of things and come up with a stupid marketing proposition for Chanyeol and Ara. I know he is not going to make this easy.” You sighed, the mere thought of it already giving you a headache.

“Maybe I should stay instead and help you out.” Jaehyun offered and you were very touched by his considerateness.

“That is so sweet Jaehyun, but you haven't seen your childhood friends in ages. You should go spend the weekend with them, I will be fine.” You say, walking up to him and wrapping your arms around his middle, enjoying the warmth of his skin. You kissed his chest and inhaled his scent, something you could not get enough of.

“I don’t know how I am going to survive this weekend without you.” He whined, gripping your waist tightly.

“I’m sure you will survive.” You chuckled, your breath tickling his skin and making a shiver run up his spine.

“Maybe you should give me a little something to remember?” You squealed when you felt Jaehyun pick you up and toss you on the bed, his body covering yours perfectly.

“I think that is a great idea.” You murmured against his lips, hands freely roaming his bare skin. And you sure did give him a lot to remember.

~*~

You had finally finished deep cleaning your apartment, finding that you had a lot of extra time since Jaehyun was out of town. Most weekends he spent at your apartment consisted of eating, sex and sleep. You were very proud of yourself because you got a lot done. It felt strange to not be with Jaehyun, but you were happy he could get some time off to go to visit his friends. You know he’s also been stressed out at work and really needed a distraction. If you were being honest, you were a little jealous. At least he had some friends in this country to visit. While you got along well with a lot of people from work, you badly missed your friends from back home. However, your never-ending list of chores you had for this weekend kept you busy and distracted.

You were dreading going to work on Monday because you had finally set up a meeting date with Sehun. You knew it was all business but that did not make it any easier for you. You had some good ideas about how to promote Chanyeol and Ara; you really hoped Chanyeol would like them and be cooperative. You wanted to be done with that meeting as fast as possible, hoping it did not drag out like the initial one.

Your phone started ringing and it brought you out of your stupor. You saw the caller ID and got excited when you saw Mina’s name.

“I am so happy to hear from you!” You say, grateful for your friends call.

“Wow, you’re that lonely and desperate?” She teased, making your eyes roll.

“Be nice or I’ll hang up. I’ve missed you, that's all.” You say sincerely, placing your dinner in the oven. “How have you been?”

“Good I guess. I’ve been getting fatter, so moving around is getting more difficult.” She says, making you laugh. “How about you? Anything exciting?” She asks, not knowing how right she was.

“Well, yes. Guess who I am going to be working with.” You ask, knowing she was not going to guess.

“You know I hate guessing games.” She whined.

“I am working with Chanyeol. The Park Chanyeol. Playboy diva extraordinaire.” You say, giving her a moment to process.

“Chanyeol? What? Why?” She sputters, completely perplexed.

“And that’s not the craziest part. Sehun is his manager and he is actually Loey.” You say, getting it out of your chest.

“Shut the fuck up!” She screamed, followed by a whispered shit, remembering she is not allowed to curse anymore. “No freaking way! Chanyeol is Loey? The composer? That’s so crazy! I had no idea.” She says, still not fully processing the information.

“Yeah I was shocked too. I guess he actually became a composer like he wanted to.” You muse, still feeling like you were in the Twilight Zone.

“So how come you’re working with him?” She asks.

You go into detail about how your company was able to get him and one of his up and coming artists to perform at the opening gala for your company. He insisted on meeting the marketing director so they knew how to properly promote him and his artist. Once you wrapped up work talk, you talked more about her pregnancy and how Jaehyun was gone for the weekend. It was so nice to catch up with your best friend and you really longed for the day you got to see her again.

Once you hung up, you decided you were done with your chores for the day and decided to eat your dinner while watching your favorite TV show. You really missed Jaehyun but did not want to dwell on it; so the laughter and the people on the screen kept you company that night.

~*~

“Where’s Jaehyun?” Mark asked as he walked up to you at the hallway, handing you over your coffee as you made your way to your office.

“He is coming back from Connecticut tonight.” Was your answer. To say you were in a sour mood was an understatement. You hardly got any sleep because the bed felt so cold without Jaehyun there and the cleaners ruined your favorite pencil skirt. This weekend had not been as relaxing as you had hoped and your nerves were frayed going into work.

“Oh okay. Well I updated your schedule and your 9 o’clock should be here shortly.” Mark said politely, bowing slightly as he left your office.

Mark usually stuck around for a few minutes to talk but he must have sensed your mood and decided against it. You felt bad for being curt with him, but you were beyond tired and under caffeinated. You decided that you were probably going to invite him to lunch to make it up to him.

After reading your notes and double checking your calendar, you made your way to the conference room. Mark was already in there, setting up refreshments when you walked in. He silently handed you a coffee cup and began to walk out.

“Hey Mark.” You said, not wanting him to leave yet.

“Yes noona?” He asked softly, really making you feel like a jerk.

“I’m sorry if I was short earlier. Even if I’m not feeling well, I don’t need to transmit that at work. Sorry I was a jerk.” You apologize, a small smile playing on your lips.

“It’s okay noona, no worries.” He smiled, glad to see your mood improving.

“Do you want to get lunch together? My treat.” You propose, knowing the kid is a sucker for free food.

“Hell yeah noona! I’m down!” He exclaimed excitedly, making you chuckle at his behavior.

“Okay, I'll let you choose the place. Get out of here.” You say, giving him a playful pat on the shoulder.

Mark practically skipped out of your office and towards his cubicle, his mood lifted as well.

After about five more minutes, a soft knock made you look up from your notes. Chanyeol was standing in the doorway, a small smile on his face.

“Come in Mr. Park.” You say, praying to god that you could be civil for the sake of your company and this project.

“Mr. Park?” Chanyeol mused, finding it funny and hot at the same time that you were being so formal.

“Yes, that is your last name and that’s how I’ll be referring to you as.” You say, not in the mood to discuss anything outside of work matters. “By the way, where is Mr. Oh?” You ask, noticing that Sehun was not with Chanyeol today.

“He’s been working really hard, so I gave Mr. Oh the day off.” He explains, smugness emitting from him and it made your stomach churn a bit. You had a bad feeling about all this.

“Very well. I will be sending Mr. Oh a copy of the notes and whatever agreement we come up with for your marketing. Here is a copy of my proposal, what I believe will be the best way to promote Ara and your reveal. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.” You say, leaning back on your chair as Chanyeol reads over the proposal.

Or, tries to read anyway. He is distracted by your presence. He is so excited to be near you again, but he feels like he is going to screw up somehow.

You go over the details with him and the best approach of how to reveal his identity in a way that his Korean fans would not be upset over.

He really liked your proposal and was very impressed at your proposal. He knew you were very smart and professional, something that he was actually intimidated by. He hated to admit it, but part of the reason why he kept you at arms length is because he felt inferior to you. He hated that he didn't have his life together and he liked someone that had a thriving career and knew what they wanted in life. He knows it sounded shallow, but he wanted to feel adequate and not like a loser when he is with you.

“This is very impressive, I think this will promote us perfectly and it will appease my Korean audience.” Chanyeol commented, putting down the portfolio on the desk. His heart skipped a beat at the sight of a small genuine smile on your face. He knew it was because you did a good job with the proposal, not so much directed towards him, but it felt nice to see a genuine smile on your face. He never saw those during the time you guys had your…. Arrangement, but he was still glad to see one.

“Thank you Mr. Park, I am glad you are pleased. I will email a copy to Mr. Oh and have our team get right to it. If you have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to contact Ms. Son, since she is in charge of the performers.” You say, the hidden implication ringing loud and clear to Chanyeol’s ears. To say he felt a little disappointed was an understatement. He knew he had been a jerk to you and he had hurt you, but the fact that you were trying to put as much distance between the two of you hurt him. He wondered if you were so eager to see that Jaehyun guy, the thought of it making him uncomfortable.

“Thank you for your work. I’d like to take you to lunch, if that’s okay. As a thank you lunch for your hard work.” He blurted, surprising you and himself with his invitation.

You snapped out of your shocked state, unsure where this came from.

“Thank you for the invitation Mr. Park; however, I have lunch plans already?” You informed, still trying to keep your voice professional.

“Ah I see,” He said, the dull ache in his chest becoming more prominent. “You have lunch with a client?” He still asked, not knowing why he still kept trying.

“Not that it is any of your concern, but I am having lunch with Mark.” You sighed, just wanting to get out of the conference room and have so much pasta you will be in a food coma until the next week.

“Oh, the young guy from the other day.” He stated, oddly satisfied that it wasn’t with Jaehyun.

“Yes, he is like a brother to me and we have lunch together once in a while.” You don’t know why you felt the need to explain yourself. “Okay Mr. Park, unless you have any other questions, I believe we are done for today.” The finality in your voice transmitting the message to Chanyeol, you were done.

“Of course. Thank you again, Sehun and I will be in touch.” He said, giving you an awkward handshake before leaving the conference room.

You walked into your office, glad to have at least ten minutes to yourself before you had to leave on your lunch break with Mark. You sighed as you sat on your chair, closing your eyes and hoping that the dull ache in your temples would not turn into a full-blown headache. Before you could fully relax, your work phone started to ring, making you groan out loud.

“Hello?” You said in the best professional voice you could muster.

“Hey! How is my all star doing?”

“Mr. Kim! I mean, Namjoon, how are you? I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in ages.” You say, your previous annoyance long gone at the sound of your boss’ voice.

“It’s been a while. But I'm good thank you. How are things on your end?” He asked.

“Great Things are ahead of schedule, everything is looking great for the opening.” You explained, proud that you could give Namjoon good news.

“Yes I heard, I am not surprised. This is why I chose you to go over there and help. Speaking of which, I wanted to bring something up.” He says, his tone making you a bit nervous.

“Yes?” You gulp, hoping it wasn’t anything bad.

“Since things are going great and everything I think it will be best to pull you from the project early.” He offered.

“Ea-earlier?” You stuttered, completely taken by surprise.

“Yes, you are basically all wrapped up with your portion of the project. As soon as all the details settle with Loey, you are done and don’t have anything major to do. The last couple of details are small, I am sure you can hand those off to someone you know will get it all done. You can still telecommute if needed.. But there are a couple of projects that have just come up here in Korea and I need my best for it.” He explained, making your head spin a little.

“Oh I see… so when I’m done with the promotion of Loey and Ara, you are saying I can go back to Korea?” You wanted to make sure you were understanding him correctly.

“Exactly! I know it’s very sudden, so I’ll give you two weeks to think it over. I will be emailing you the projects I have lined up for you. If you decide you will be coming back early, please let me know as soon as possible.” Namjoon said, getting right to the point as usual.

“Okay, thank you Namjoon.” You say, mind still spinning from the conversation.

After a few more pleasantries Namjoon hung up, leaving you staring blankly at your computer screen, the email icon blinking with a new email. Namjoon, ever the efficient person. You were intrigued to know what the projects were, but you couldn’t bring yourself to open up the email. You weren’t ready to leave yet. For so long you had wanted to because you missed your family and friends. And with Mina’s pregnancy, you should be excited to go back to Korea early so you can be there with her, but for some reason you’re not.

You are not ready to be apart from Jaehyun and you don’t know if he would be willing to have a long-distance relationship. You love what you two have and you don’t want to give that up, it means too much to you.

“Hey noona, you ready?” Mark brought you out of your stupor, knocking on your office door.

“Yeah. Yes, let me get my purse and we can go.” You say, a small smile on your lips as you get up and grab your purse.

“So, what are you feeling like?” You ask, entwining your arm with his.

“Pasta! There’s an amazing Italian place nearby.” He says excitedly, making you giggle and you’re grateful for the distraction.

“Pasta it is! Lead the way.” You bump your hip with his, smiling at his excited chatter the whole way to the Italian place.

You were glad you had a couple of weeks to think things over. You couldn’t wait for Jaehyun to be back from his trip, the need to be with him and hold him became overwhelming. You were sure that the churning of your stomach meant nothing.

Or so you hoped.

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#jung jaehyun #jaehyun #jaehyun series #jaehyun smut #chanyeol series #jaehyun boyfriend #enough series #jaehyun and you #jaehyun x you #chanyeol x you #chanyeol and you #kpop #kpopsmut #enough #kpop smut #exo #NCT #nct127

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hellomynameisbisexual · 5 years ago

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How Do Bi Parents Come Out to Their Kids?

It’s not always straightforward.

By Lux Alptraum

As the author of multiple memoirs, psychotherapist Wendy C. Ortiz, M.F.T., is no stranger to personal disclosures. In her books, she’s told readers about her teenage sexual exploits and her struggles as a 20-something Angeleno, and she’s even provided lengthy descriptions of her dreams. But over the past few years, Ortiz has been navigating a different disclosure wholly unlike the ones that have shaped her literary career: coming out as bisexual to her young daughter.

“We’re still trying to find a way to explain it without opening a can of worms that we are not quite prepared for yet,” Ortiz tells SELF.

Ortiz’s nine-year-old daughter has always been aware that her parents are not straight—being raised in a household with two moms made that evident. But Ortiz’s bisexuality has been a more complicated identity to discuss, one that expands beyond her current relationship and encompasses a broader swath of who she is as a person. Over the past few years, she’s been experimenting with how to be open and honest with her daughter in an age-appropriate, accessible way that offers comfort and clarity rather than just creating more confusion. Though Ortiz and her family have started the conversation, it remains a work in progress.

She’s hardly the only parent to find herself in this situation.

There are a lot of reasons bi parents choose to come out. For many bi parents, sharing their identity can feel essential to providing their children with an open-minded understanding of the world around them. “I’ve always wanted to give my son what I didn’t have growing up,” Ellie W., 25, tells SELF. Her own religious upbringing didn’t include open conversations about sex and identity.

For others, being out about their identity can feel like a way of encouraging honest communication with their children. “I decided relatively early on in my then partner’s pregnancy that I wasn’t going to be secretive about stuff, because I had dealt with a lot of secretive approaches in my own family around all sorts of things. It was bad for me and also bad for the rest of the family,” Jerome C., 44, tells SELF.

And in a political environment that’s increasingly hostile to LGBTQ+ folk, some parents see informing their children about their bisexuality as an important part of preparing their kids for the future. “To be trans and bi is to be pretty visible,” Nola P., 36, tells SELF. “I wanted to make sure that they understood some of the things that might happen, and how it might affect our family directly.”

That sense of community, identity, and visibility is a big part of why some parents might feel driven to open up this discussion with their kids. Being open about your bi identity can help combat bisexual erasure and help kids understand bisexuality not just as an abstract concept but as the identity of someone they’re close to. It can also help create a sense of open dialogue that will serve kids later in life if they wind up identifying as queer.

“Parents might think in the back of their heads, Well, what if my child was bisexual? I would want them to feel like they could come out to me. So I should come out to them and be that role model that they deserve,” Dan Rice, M.Ed., executive director at the sex education organization Answer at Rutgers University, tells SELF.

Indeed, Mike F., 42, was prompted to come out to his teenage daughter after she came out to him first. “I don’t remember the exact conversation, but she made a joke about not being ‘exactly straight,’ and I said, ‘You and me both, baby girl.’ She paused, looked at me, and said, ‘Cool,’” he tells SELF.

Of course, there are a few reasons coming out as bisexual to your kids can be complicated. For one, bi parents who choose to broach this topic with their children run the risk of facing judgment from family members, friends, and community members who consider this disclosure to be TMI. On a popular podcast I listen to, a women’s health expert advised an audience member against coming out to her daughter as bi, saying that it was a discussion best reserved for older kids. The expert’s reasoning? The audience member’s young child wasn’t ready to hear about who her mommy liked to have sex with.

Um. While most of us would agree that frank discussions of adults’ sex lives aren’t an appropriate topic for children, coming out as bisexual to your kids in no way means giving them an extensive overview of everyone you’ve slept with (and how). “Being bi isn’t just about how you have sex and who you have sex with, it’s about how you understand desire and love and connection and community,” Cory Silverberg, an award-winning sex educator and author of Sex Is a Funny Word, tells SELF.

Though some parents might fret about the possibility of burdening their children with too much information at too young an age, Rice doesn’t think parents need to worry about having this conversation too soon. “It’s never too early,” he says. “What we’re explaining to children is love, and who we love and have a special love for. Children understand love.”

Then there’s the fact that starting the conversation can feel complicated and intimidating. A simple way in might be a casual disclosure during a discussion about different styles of relationships, something like, “Some people fall in love with people of a different gender, some people fall in love with people of their own gender, and some people, like me, can fall in love with people of any gender.”

It’s also key to keep in mind that your kid might not react with enthusiasm or even interest. “This could be a conversation that the parent might hope is longer, but maybe the kid isn’t interested, and it’s something to come back to,” says Ortiz, who in addition to navigating this on her own also works with many queer patients as a psychotherapist. Ortiz recommends mainly letting the child lead the discussion: Tie your disclosures to questions they’ve brought up about relationships or love or identity rather than forcing them to listen to a personal monologue that they’re not ready for or couldn’t care less about right now.

In Jerome’s case, he first discussed gender and sexuality with his son when the child was nine. “It was around that time that one of his cousins came out as transgender, so that gave me the opening,” he says. “I tried to make it ‘not a big deal,’ which meant that, in turn, he didn’t seem particularly fazed by anything I was saying or talking about.”

Above all, it’s important to remind your kid that having a bisexual parent doesn’t change things or mean that their life isn’t going to be the same. Even if this information is new to them, it doesn’t change who you are: a parent who loves them very much.

For many, this is bound to be an ongoing discussion, not a single conversation. The conversation you have with your kids about your sexual identity is likely to shift and expand over the years as your children get older and better able to understand more complex topics. Silverberg recommends using pop culture as an entry point to additional conversations. If you’re watching a Disney movie, for instance, you can remind your child that not all princesses marry princes: Some might marry other princesses, some might be happy with either option, and some might decide they’re not interested in marriage at all.

This can be especially useful for younger children. Ellie says her son is too young to understand sexual and romantic attraction, so she describes her own partners as “friends” but encourages him to observe diversity in the world around him. “He seems entirely [unbothered] by the idea that some children can have two mamas or two dadas or two mamas and one dada,” she says. “He found it quite amusing that there are infinite possibilities of how to make up a family.”

In Ortiz’s own home, the conversations about identity started around the time her daughter turned six. It was something, she tells me, that largely happened organically. When her daughter started talking about kids at school having crushes on each other, Ortiz and her partner gently brought up the idea that people can have crushes on someone the same gender as them as well as on people of different genders. Meanwhile, shows like the cartoon Steven Universe showcase queer relationships in a fun and casual way and have given the family an opportunity to talk about the wide variety of relationships humans might arrange ourselves in.

When Ortiz’s daughter stumbled on photos of Ortiz with an old boyfriend, Ortiz didn’t shy away from being honest about who that person was in her life. “In the last year we’ve approached the subject that I was once married to a man,” Ortiz says. “It’s like, ‘Oh, this is Mommy’s identity,’ versus her other mother who identifies as lesbian.”

As the years have passed, it’s become clear that the many conversations they’ve had about identity and relationships have had an impact on Ortiz’s daughter. When she talks about the future, Ortiz says, her daughter leaves the question of her own orientation open. “She will preface by saying, ‘And I might be with a girl or a boy.’” Thanks to her mothers’ openness about their own identities, she’s able to be confident that whomever her future relationships end up being with, she’ll have the support and love of her family. Which is, of course, what truly matters.

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citrinekay · 5 years ago

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a prompt: holden's thinking of running a marathon or something, and it gets bill thinking about just how young holden is and some insecurities appear. what's their future like? wouldn't holden be better off with someone who could actually match his rhythm? sorry im just a sucker for some age gap h/c!

Hey don’t apologize! I live to serve and create the content this fandom wants and deserves - it also helps that this turned out really cute and sweet and I like it very very much. Thanks for the prompt! 💕

Golden pink sunset stretches across the sky, making the red rubber of the track glow a burnt orange, the grass a glistening, knife-edged green. The summer heat has slacked off into a comfortable warmth that’s accompanied by the slight breeze that cools that faint sweat on Bill’s brow.

He glances down at the stopwatch as Holden emerges from the glowing haze of sunlight, running at a steady clip around the final curve of the track before he reaches the starting point again. Dressed in track shorts and a gray Academy sweatshirt, he’s sweating harder in the July heat than Bill’s stationary position could ever hope to achieve.

Bill squints against the sunlight, once again baffled by how much Holden enjoys this activity. Wendy had first suggested some type of exercise to him to help deal with his anxiety, and Holden had taken to the task like a fish to water. For the first few months, he would come out where to the Academy track to run for his own enjoyment, but now that he considers himself an accomplished runner, he’s taken to training for a marathon at the end of the month. The preparation is taking up a lot of time, much more than Bill had expected; and his only recourse to steal as much private time with Holden as possible is to park his ass here beside the track with the stopwatch.

As Holden drops down out of his run into a jog, and finally to a staggered halt, Bill jabs the timer on the stopwatch.

“How long as was that?” Holden asks, his voice hoarse and fractured.

“Seven minutes, twenty-five seconds.”

“Shit.” Holden whispers, leaning forward to clutch his knees.

“You’re unsatisfied with running a mile in seven minutes?” Bill asks, incredulously.

“And twenty-five seconds.”

“I thought a marathon was about endurance not speed.”

“It is. It’s a personal goal.”

Bill leans over to grab the water bottle from the grass, and tosses it to Holden.

Catching it against his chest, Holden straightens and takes a stumbled step backwards as he lifts the bottle to his mouth.

Bill watches him quietly, half-appreciating the sweat drenched ringlets plastered to his forehead and the way his throat glistens in the fading sunlight.

“Well, I know one thing for sure. You’d leave me in the dust.” Bill says.

Holden drags the bottle away from his mouth, leaving his lips slickly pink. He swipes a hand across his dribbling chin, and saunters closer to where Bill is seated on the folding chair in the grass.

“You could join me, you know.” He says.

“Running?”

“Yeah. Anyone can do it.”

“What? So I can get out there and humiliate myself? It wouldn’t be pretty.”

“Well, no one starts out an expert.”

“Holden, we practically live together.” Bill says, gesturing to himself. “You are fully aware of what I can and cannot do.”

Holden rolls his eyes. “Oh, Christ. Is this about the other night when I wanted round two and you weren’t up for it?”

Bill scowls, “Okay, you didn’t have to drag that into it.”

“You were about to.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Fine.” Holden says, capping the water bottle, and tossing it in the grass. “I’m going to do one more lap around the track to cool off and then we can go.”

��You want me to time that, too?”

Holden casts him a snide glance before spinning around and taking off toward the track again at a steady jog.

Bill frowns watching him sprint into the melted glow of the sunset, his body shimmering like some moving work of art beneath the colors of the sky. It’s easy to forget that he’s going to be thirty-two in a few months, technically middle-aged, when he’s so virile and energetic. It’s like he has a bottomless well of initiative and drive, and his body … Well, Bill has been witness to all of the things his beautiful, toned, young body can do and endure. Running a seven minute mile is just the tip of the iceberg.

Bill tries to set aside his insecurities as Holden circles the far end of the track and starts back towards the finishing line. He isn’t self-absorbed. He cares about his appearance insofar as it pertains to personal hygiene and professionalism. His current job doesn’t require extreme physical feats like running a seven minute mile or even running at all so why should it matter? Holden has his own personal goals and hobbies that he doesn’t necessarily have to share. It shouldn’t matter, but he knows why it does.

When Holden comes off the track again, Bill hands him the towel to wipe the sweat from his brow.

“Ready to go home?”

“Yeah.”

Bill gathers their things, and leads them across the yard, through the student parking, and all the way back to their lot in front of the BSU building. The walk is long and silent, some disagreement rippling underneath that he doesn’t feel like addressing. Once they reach the car, Bill rolls down the windows, turns on the stereo, and lights a cigarette. Holden leans toward the breeze, the sweet tang of perspiration blustering in the air alongside the summer breeze. Bill figures they’ll both just let it go, but ten minutes into the drive, Holden turns back to Bill.

“Is something the matter with you?”

“What? No.”

Holden’s hands fidget in his lap. “I can tell when you’re pissed. Why don’t you just say it?”

“Holden, I’m beat. It’s almost eight and we’re just now going home after working for ten hours and-”

“Oh, is that why? Because I’m forcing you to stay out late?”

“You’re not forcing me.”

“I told you that you didn’t have to come. I can work a stopwatch on my own.”

“Yeah? Then what do you need me for?”

The hasty retort slashes coldly through the humid air, leaving them both simmering in choked silence for a long moment. Bill flicks cigarette ashes out the window, annoyed with himself. There’s no basis for this argument, but they’re having it anyway.

“I don’t know what your fucking problem is.” Holden mutters, “Are you just mad that I have an interest that doesn’t involve you?”

“No, of course not. You’re allowed to have your own hobbies-”

“Oh, you’re allowing me to have this hobby. How generous of you.”

“That is not what I meant, and you know it.”

They fall into silence again, but Bill can sense the electric hum of anger and the threat of hurt feelings arising.

Just fucking apologize. He tells himself, trying to tamp down the bubbling insecurities that seem to multiply with every exchange. But his jaw stays stubbornly clamped shut.

The next ten minutes pass in stifled silence until they reach Bill’s house. Holden’s car is parked in the driveway where he had left it over the weekend when a sleepover turned into a five-night affair. Bill figures that little foray is about to end right here.

He throws the car into park, but lets the engine idle as they sit quietly, stewing.

“Okay.” Holden says, finally. “I’m sorry I brought up the other night - the round two thing. That was uncalled for.”

“It isn’t that.”

“Really?” Holden asks, his gaze swinging across the car to strike Bill with withering severity.

Bill takes a slow drag of his cigarette and focuses on the yard darkening in the impending dusk.

“Bill, I have never had an issue with your age and my age, and-”

“Please, just stop.” Bill says, holding up a hand. The humiliation is already curling up his chest in fiery fingers, clutching at the back of his throat with debilitating force. The fact that he can’t suppress it is just as bad as the initial flinch of insecurity.

“Fine. You don’t want to talk to me?” Holden says, impatiently. He unlatches the door and shoves it open with his shoulder. “I think I’m just gonna go home, and you can call me when you get your head out of your ass.”

Bill flinches as the door slams shut behind him, jarring the entire vehicle. He watches with a sickening feeling dropping to the pit of his stomach as Holden storms around the hood of the car towards his own vehicle.

Get out and stop him, you stupid fucking idiot.

Growling a sound of frustration, Bill rips off his seatbelt, and climbs out of the car just as Holden reaches the hood of his Nova.

“Wait.”

Holden’s determined pace cuts to a halt. They stare at one another in the falling dusk, a quiet standoff that Bill knows Holden won’t be breaking; he’s waiting for Bill to speak and be honest.

Drawing in a deep breath, Bill puts his head down, and closes the space between them in a few strides. Holden turns slowly to face him, not resisting as Bill catches him by the hand.

“I’m sorry.” Bill says, quietly.

Holden nods. Still waiting.

“Come on.” Bill says, scoffing against the clutch of emotion in the back of his throat. “Don’t tell me you never think about it.”

“I mean, yes. Objectively, I’ve thought about it because it’s a basic, indisputable fact.” Holden says, “I said I don’t have an issue with it.”

“Look, these past few months have been great.” Bill says, “But I think it would be a little selfish of me to not encourage you to think about your future. What do the next ten years look like? Don’t you want someone who can keep up with you? And are you going to be happy with this decision when our age difference really does start catching up with us?”

Holden’s brow furrows. “That’s a little pessimistic, don’t you think?”

“I’m just trying to be honest.”

Holden glances away for a moment, his eyes squinting against the fading light. Bill can tell that he’s seriously considering the conversation, and that acknowledgement alone eases some of the tightness in his chest.

“You want honesty?” Holden says, his voice softening as he shifts his gaze gently back to Bill’s.

“Yeah. Always.”

“Fine. Then this is the truth - I don’t care about our age difference, or round two. Some days I don’t even care about round one. That’s not what this is about, and it’s a little reductive to say that it is.”

Bill lets out a sigh and glances away, but Holden presses closer, cradling Bill’s chin in his hand to guide his eyes back up.

“I know what the next ten years look like.” Holden murmurs, “Maybe not exactly, but I do know one thing - you’re here, with me. Whether you are running down a track with me or I’m pushing you a fucking wheelchair.”

Bill chokes on an unbidden laugh as Holden’s mouth stretches into a fond smile. He wraps both arms around Holden’s waist, suddenly not caring whether someone driving down the street could see the intimate embrace. He just wants to make this moment last - the moment when Holden melted the last of his fears and insecurities.

“Okay?” Holden whispers, clutching his cheek tighter. “I don’t want someone else. I want you.”

Bill nods, trying to find a reply in the tangled knot of relief and joy in the back of his throat.

Holden kisses him quickly on the mouth, a swift, reassuring gesture that the whole street might have seen, before he wraps his arms around Bill’s neck.

Bill buries his face in Holden’s neck, impressing the warmth of his body and his embrace down into his quivering soul. When he draws in a deep breath, he can smell summertime and sweat on his skin.

Clearing his throat, Bill draws back. “Do you, uh … do you want to get a shower first, before you leave?”

Holden chuckles softly. “Yeah, that sounds great.”

“Okay, let’s go in. It’s really warm out here.” Bill says, wiping sweat from his own temple.

Holden clutches his hand as they climb the steps to the front porch. As they reach the door, he whispers, “Bill?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t really want to leave.”

Bill purses back a smile. “No?”

“No. Can I spend the night again… and possibly use your washer and dryer for my work clothes?”

“Of course.”

They share a quiet smile before Bill unlocks the door and lets them inside. Holden’s fingers curl tighter around his hand, drawing Bill down the hallway towards the bathroom without another word. They move quietly, deftly through the house, muted anticipation rising. The sun has already set, golden light touching the door for the last time tonight.

#bill x holden #mindhunter #my writing #Anonymous

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