#i said i wouldnt spend money on coffee this week

[bartholomewthestudyduck]

09/26/2024

I finally wrote the essay I've been procrastinating on! However, that does mean I now need to work on the presentation I've also been procrastinating. Also, tech week for the dance concert starts on Monday I'll be tired, but it'll be fun.

[vaingod]

What are some of the things you've noticed about these middle class city gays and their lifestyles? What are some of the things that stood out to you the most that is completely normalized? Because I see these pretty gay boys from the global north on Instagram and how perfect and white their teeth are, iPhone, MacBook, nice restaurants, nice gyms, holidays, expensive clothes that look very plain but you know that plain white t shirt was somehow $100 to me its like when Katniss sees the people in the Capitol and I just can't relate...especially since theyre all so skinny and pretty and have nice things!

Ok im saying this all as an immigrant thats lived here for a decade and still experiences this disconnection between city gays. Its the money, its always the amount of money they are comfortable throwing away on tech like you said but its more than just some rando city person buying themself an apple product once every 3 years or something. In order to live the life that you noticed these people tend to live you need 1 of the 2.

1. Rich parents. Most city gays that you see on Instagram are these. They usually go to school or have a job like one day a week type deal but they dont worry about rent or bills ever, no number on paper scares them to say the least but they are also really weird about you paying back like coffees or miniscule shit.

2. Are in debt. Most of my friends that are middle class are this

Like i wont forget meeting this girl through a drag actor friend of mine and she was cool and one of those all pink people so we vibed nicely until she started pulling up pages and pages of clothes and shoes and furniture that cost more than ive spent my entire life and talking about all the things she wants like a bratty child and i was losing my grip on reality before she talked about her hot pink custom paint job porshe and how her dad payed for it all cus she wasnt gonna drive a boring straight car. Like this attitude specifically is what drives me up the wall cus as someone whos jumped to and from alternative scenes a big appeal was making my own accessories and clothes and fucking shit up and looking trashy but alluring to other people like me. even when i went through my fem diva phase i exclusively thrifted vintage clothes to embody a 60 year old diva i didnt spend hundreds of dollars to look good?? My 90s thrifted furcoat ive worn for 7 years cost me 10 bucks.

As for middle class or poor gays that are in debt that keep going in debt to allow themselves the luxuries that they see gays with (their parents) money can allow themselves, i feel like its a very complex social dynamic that isnt easily explained by poor prople are allowed nice things or everyone deserves luxuries. And its harmful however its explained because very often the sentiment from middle class gays in regards to overspending obfuscates what a luxury is, not a few times have i heard from gays with debt "if i had the money i would take a private jet everywhere i wouldnt give a single fuck if i had access to things that rich people had I would use them just the same or more"

Class division is really like that tho, id compare it to how middle class suburbians dont want better public transport and shut any finances that go into it cus they dont want poor "suspicious" people coming to their neighborhoods. And that shut down of public transport only hurts them and their community but they do it anyway. Ill say it outright most middle class gays in debt that do everything to spend money to live a fantasy of not being in the same social class as poor gays are doing so intentionally.

[leviathan-open-ur-eyes]

Memory 001

Avery is five years old and she has just been left behind at a strange place. Her father walked her up to the door but didn't stay. He was crying. She doesn't know why. Her mother was in the car too busy applying the red lipstick she adored more than anything. She didn't even say goodbye. Her father kissed her head, hugged her and said good bye. Their car is gone now and there is no answer from the door. Avery knocks again like her father told her. Moments later a woman opens the door. She looks tired. She smiles down at Avery and says, "Ah, I've been expecting you child. Come in come in." And Avery does.

Memory 014

Avery now knows her parents are not returning for her. It's been eight months and she asks Oba constantly where they are. Oba doesn't say much about the topic. Oba is a good friend of her father's. He sees her as family and so does Avery. She is Auntie Oba. And she takes care of her. Avery is home schooled, she is taught many subjects by Oba but music and art are her favorite. Oba is a college professor and an online professor for foreign students. She teaches English, Literature, and a Creative writing course at the university. Avery attends those courses some nights and only one class catches her eye.... the one on one music class.

Memory 035

Avery is now 17 and Oba wants to introduce her to the music professor. Oba sees potential in Avery and she wants to show her colleague. The man is in his mid 40s now and he is a stern man. He watches Avery perform, eyes on her like a hawk. When she is done Oba asks what he thought of her. He scratches his beard and nods. A twinkle in Oba's eyes, he likes what he hears. Tells her and Oba that she has talent, with his teaching and guidance he can make her a star. They practice every Wednesday.

Oba had enrolled her in high school. Avery has many friends there. But something happened. She had gotten into a fight. And the pain felt good. It satisfied an urge she always had deep down inside her. An urge for punishment. She had obliviously been bad why else would her parents leave her. Never calling or writing. No birthday cards. No Christmas gifts. Only a check for Oba to help take care of her. And she does. Avery feels guilty for loving the pain. Her life isnt bad. But the need to be punished is greater than the happiness she feels in small amounts. Thinking about the things she has done to herself she knows deep down she would disappoint Oba and she cant do that. Not after everything she has done for her. She cant be selfish no she wouldn't be.

Memory 039

Avery has gotten into another fight. With the school's star quarterback. He was quick on his feet and offered to do detention with her by cleaning the bathrooms and gym. In return he would bring home the trophy the principal has always wanted. Smooth talker Liam was. He took avery down a dangerous road. One she would keep from her Oba and professor. Her parents no longer send money and Oba has been working less and less. She is sick some days and cannot get out of bed. Her trash is filled with bloodstained tissues. And Avery fears the worse. Liam says the club pays well for the winner. He won 200$ the other night. Avery cant pass it up. Tonight they meet at midnight.

Memory 042

Its been 3 weeks and Avery has a broken nose. She doesn't explain to Oba why and Oba hopes she isnt getting into fights at school. Avery assures her she isnt and its left at that. Some night Avery can hear Oba crying. She's scared. She prays to god to help her. To help her for the sake of Avery. Because Avery is troubled and is always in fights. She is lost and god is her guiding light. She hears her cry and tells god she isnt strong enough. With a broken heart Avery heads to fight club. Tonight she will win. She will pay for Oba to get better. And then... she'll never fight again.

Memory 045

Avery won. 12k is hers. She arrives home in the morning. When she opens the door Oba is there in the living room. She doesn't look mad or disappointed. She offers the couch to her. Avery sits. Her back hurts, her nose hasn't stopped bleeding, she has cuts and a bite mark somewhere. Oba's eyes are filled with tears. Avery doesn't know where to begin. Where should she start? She doesn't have to Oba opens a rag and lays it on the coffee table. Dread. Oba has found her box cutter and the bloodied rag it was wrapped in. She doesn't want to look at Oba. But oba opens her mouth, avery prepares for a scolding but instead Oba wraps her arms around her. Holds her tightly and whispers "it's ok baby I got you. I got you. Mama's here angel. She's here." And Avery breaks down and cries with Oba.

Memory 050

Oba is in the hospital. She has stage 3 lung cancer and there is nothing she can do to stop it. Time is racing and Avery is afraid of losing the only person who truly loved her. There are days she cant see Oba and it scares her. Her studies are lagging but her professor understands and offers to continue mentoring Avery when she graduates. He had offered her a scholarship. Full ride to the university. She accepts it. There's a month left before she does graduate. But shes scared she won't make it.

Graduation day and Avery looks to the crowd, a sea of faces she doesn't recognize. She feels alone. But her friends are with her. The ceremony goes on for what feels like forever and when it's over the caps are tossed into the air and the stadium is filled with joy and happiness. And then just like that avery's world had ended. Oba is no longer here.

Memory 055

It's been a year and Avery doesnt feel happy anymore. She doesnt feel much at all. She lives with Marceline, Elias, Toby, Dlyan, Cynder, and Sloth in a large home Marcelines father bought for them. She goes to and from college. Works at the 24 hr diner for night shifts. She has also brought home an opossum and everyone loves him. Shes named him clementine and he means the world to her. But lately music no longer means what it use to. But her professor takes her to the dance hall and tells her she will perform songs for the dancers to perform to. And she sees her... an angel on earth. If shes ever seen one. Her bouncy blue hair, green eyes and beautiful figure. Her name is Bonnie and she knows the gang. Avery is tongue tied when she speaks to her. After the class bonnie takes her to dinner. After that bonnie and Avery spend the night together. And once again Avery is happy.

Memory 057

Avery has dropped out of college. And her professor understands her reasoning. He gifts her his violin. He will always be around if she wishes to come back. She hugs him and they part ways. She was never going to perform for her mother. She could never.

It's been almost 5 months since bonnie and her started dating. Her diner job helps keep her busy. But the urge to go and fight comes back. The sign is there when Liam comes to her diner and they catch up. They've raised the money and steaks. It interests her and Liam knows it. He picks her up at midnight and shes back down the rabbit hole... only this time there is no wonderland.

Memory 059

Coming up in 2nd means she has lost. But she has gotten a lot of money. This time almost 15k. This can help with rent and such. When she gets home she showers and breaks down. She cries and feels so alone. And her skin itches. Begs for the blade. And she listens...

Her day off means doing nothing. But today something is different. She goes to the campus and meets bonnie. But someone's with her. A boy her age, shaggy black hair, tall, looks like a punk rocker. Bonnie introduces him to Avery, her girlfriend, avery sees something change in him but he shakes it off and says his name is ben.

Ben comes around when bonnie does. But when she spends time alone with Avery he leaves. But hes always there and avery doesnt like it. She takes bonnie to the diner and they talk. Bonnie agrees it's a bit obsessive but she waves it off saying hes awkward and he doesnt have many friends. Hes trying for the main role of the prince in swan lake. Bonnie will be the black swan. And Avery loves watching her practice. Swan lake is her favorite because bonnie is always the star no matter what she plays. But this year Avery cant take her eyes off Ben...

Memory 061

Ben has backed off. But only because Avery threatened him. They got into it once the ballet was done, after he kissed bonnie during the bows. The look on Bonnie's face. She was scared and nervous. Not only was the kiss unwelcomed what happened next was what really made Avery go insane. Ben pulled a ring out, got down on one knee and loudly asked in front of the theater for Bonnie's hand in marriage. Bonnie had ran away crying. And Avery snapped. Back stage in his dressing room she cornered him and told him to apologize and back the hell off. He only grinned and sneered at her. She didn't like that. But for his sake she didn't hit him. If she did he wouldn't be alive. She wouldnt be able to stop.

In the summer bonnie and her grew closer and ben stopped showing up. The incident behind them now they look forward to the future. Bonnie is moving to New York and Avery is coming with. They move this fall. And Avery has most of her stuff packed. They're laying in the backyard under the setting sky. Ben appears and says hes going to meet the group he can drive them. Avery knows something's wrong but bonnie has agreed already and they're now in the back of his car heading towards Mariah Falls.

Memory 062

It's all a blur. The walk, the gun, the fight.... bonnie.... where is bonnie? Oh right...bonnie is dead. And now she has ben. Injured, broken, lying on the forest floor under the trees and stars. She looms over him and smiles. Revenge is a best dish served now...

For weeks she tortures him. Makes him pay. But hes losing blood. But she cant go back. She'll get arrested he's already told her that. Promises she'll rot in jail. That is until she shows him what shes recorded. Him killing bonnie. They'll probably consider it as self defense because he also attacked her. If she goes back he isnt coming with.

Ben no longer talks, and she is starving. He is dead. And she does what she has to do to survive. She no longer knows the time or day or month. During a thunderstorm a fog rolls in... The fog is thick. She hears singing. Is it bonnie? She heads towards it. But all she sees is a campfire and woods. No bonnie. No ben. Just warmth... and a new start.

[sgnjongin]

all the texts~~

😟 a worried text-

[ jolie fille –> ] did u get my text last night??[ jolie fille –> ] u havent answered[ jolie fille –> ] yoori gdi fucking answer me its important i gotta know if ur coming tonight or if im gonna be able to actually have some fun[ jolie fille –> ] YOORI

🤡 a goofy text-

[ jolie fille –> ] just a thought but like[ jolie fille –> ] what if we made[ jolie fille –> ] like a suicide pact lol[ jolie fille –> ] u can go first

💖 a loving text-

[ jolie fille –> ] u handled that convo with mr baldy well, nice diplomacy[ jolie fille –> ] i was just gonna punch him in his pretty gold suit[ jolie fille –> ] what a fucktard[ jolie fille –> ] poor doesnt mean stupid what the fuck planet is he on

🤐 an awkward text-

[ jolie fille –> ] this is a bit far fetched but,,,,,,[ jolie fille –> ] did i leave my pants over in the hallway outside ur door??[ jolie fille –> ] can u check for me

💤 a half-asleep text-

[ jolie fille –> ] did u survive ur walk back from the library[ jolie fille –> ] did the ghosts get u[ jolie fille –> ] no????[ jolie fille –> ] see i told u shits not real dumbass

😊 a happy text-

[ jolie fille –> ] my mother just called to let us know that dinner tonight will be canceled, no need to show up[ jolie fille –> ] ur free for another couple of hours at least[ jolie fille –> ] and so am i

🤔 a nonsensical text-

[ jolie fille –> ] did u know the chemical they used to make teflon steel is now found in the blood of every single human on the fucking planet?????[ jolie fille –> ] like wtf[ jolie fille –> ] this some hiroshima shit fuck america honestly

🙏 an apologetic text-

[ jolie fille –> ] i’m sorry i was late getting back to the room ok i didnt know u were alone in here with my father did he do something to you did he touch you[ jolie fille –> ] i got distracted i didnt realize[ jolie fille –> ] yoori i see u looking at ur phone, fucking answer me

❎ a text meant for someone else-

[ jolie fille –> ] {attachment opened: dick pic}[ jolie fille –> ] oops that wasn’t meant for u[ jolie fille –> ] that’s for my ~~~~~mistress~~~~~ lol

🕰️ an early morning text-

[ jolie fille –> ] if ur getting coffee, pick me up one too[ jolie fille –> ] just do it i’ll pay u[ jolie fille –> ] isn’t that all u want anyway???? money?????

🌑 a late night text-

[ jolie fille –> ] why are u texting me from 2 rooms away we are literally 2 rooms away yoori[ jolie fille –> ] I’M NOT ABANDONING U IN A HAUNTED HOUSE IM LITERALLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HALLWAY WTF

🥴 a drunk text-

[ jolie fille –> ] youve ee ruinedd everything[ jolie fille –> ] everythtuing[ jolie fille –> ] myy hwole life what why do u think im  fuckcign ilike tis yoori[ jolie fille –> ] becausee of u[ jolie fille –> ] u bithc

🗑️ a text that wasn’t sent-

[ jolie fille –> ] i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate the way you hate me i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you[ jolie fille –> ] one of these days he’s gonna try to make me kill you[ jolie fille –> ] what will i do then[ jolie fille –> ] what would you look like with my hands around that pretty porcelain neck?

👀 a dirty text-

[ jolie fille –> ] idk u look like the kind of girl who likes getting her hair pulled[ jolie fille –> ] if u weren’t such a fucking virgin tho ofc[ jolie fille –> ] like even if ur not a virgin, you put out Strong Virgin Vibes, it messes with my zen honestly[ jolie fille –> ] if u begged nicely enough i could help u with that tho

⚠️ a scared text-

[ jolie fille –> ] can u phone my mom[ jolie fille –> ] she’s not answering me[ jolie fille –> ] maybe she’ll answer u[ jolie fille –> ] i just need her to pick up[ jolie fille –> ] she doesn’t usually not have her phone, u know how she gets[ jolie fille –> ] and i know how my father can get[ jolie fille –> ] with her[ jolie fille –> ] sometimes[ jolie fille –> ] just fucking call her[ jolie fille –> ] now

🚨 an urgent text-

[ jolie fille –> ] do me a solid and turn in my chem homework, its on my desk, clearly marked, dokki is probs sitting on it[ jolie fille –> ] cant do it myself, family emergency

👯‍♀️ a supportive text-

[ jolie fille –> ] look i know ur studying for ur exam tonight so i took the liberty of filling up ur room with clocks![ jolie fille –> ] alarm clocks[ jolie fille –> ] 256 of them ticking~~~~[ jolie fille –> ] so you can find the time~~~~[ jolie fille –> ] to get a fucking life~~~~[ jolie fille –> ] at least u wont miss ur exam[ jolie fille –> ] ur welcome

🔪 a hateful text-

[ jolie fille –> ] you think im weak but at least i wouldnt sell my soul and my pride to the devil for some fucking social standing[ jolie fille –> ] you would never get anywhere on your own without me[ jolie fille –> ] you think you’re so clean but your family sold you to us and you agreed to it, youre still fitting yourself into this role[ jolie fille –> ] i was born here, i dont have a choice, but you? you fucking chose this[ jolie fille –> ] what a gold-digging slut you are[ jolie fille –> ] you and my father deserve each other

😢 a sad text-

[ jolie fille –> ] all these pictures theyre taking of us…..[ jolie fille –> ] i cant belive im here looking like a whole snack and u look like the trash the maid just took out[ jolie fille –> ] all these pics are gonna have to be burned, im so sad

😡 an angry text-

[ jolie fille –> ] WHY ARE U TELLING KAI TO DITCH ME[ jolie fille –> ] HE TOLD ME WHAT U SAID WTF[ jolie fille –> ] MY SON WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME HE’S LOYAL UNLIKE SOME BITCHES OUT HERE

👋 a goodbye text-

[ jolie fille –> ] i doubt we have to spend the holidays together[ jolie fille –> ] so glad i won’t have to hear ur whiny-ass voice for a full couple of weeks it’s gonna be GLORIOUS

🔎 a revealing text-

[ jolie fille –> ] do u remember when we first met??[ jolie fille –> ] i doubt u remember it the way i remember it

❓ for me to choose randomly- 😡 an angry text-

[ jolie fille –> ] put a fucking leash on ur family[ jolie fille –> ] they’re fucking embarrassing themselves[ jolie fille –> ] like apes[ jolie fille –> ] u ppl wouldnt know decorum or class if they hit u in the face

[andremarcusburky]

David Pastrnak as a boyfriend

yeeeahh bet you saw this coming (also a little inspired by a scene in Gilmore girls)

masterlist

he was really pretty there ok

so as you all know he’s a little weirdo

he was lost in a mall and looking for a store where they sell kids toys (for some teammates kids birthday)

so he went up to you to ask for help but it was literally just behind him

“oh, okay. thank you. you’re pretty by the way”

smiled at you with those chipped teeth as he walked away

you then went to whatever store you were headed to and then to starbucks for a coffee

and about five seconds after you've entered the line there he is just behind you

“oh, its pretty one again!”

you laugh at him but you start talking

then you order your coffee and tell them your name

“oh, Y/N? pretty name for pretty person”

he then pays for your coffee along with his own despite you arguing

he got a pumpkin spice latte btw

so when youre waiting you ask about why he was buying toys and he tells you about the little girls birthday party and how apparently he babysits sometimes 

and then he goes on to tell you how he thinks everyone’s gonna get her princess stuff so he bought her cool shit like a Spiderman figure and a remote controlled helicopter 

and you fell right then and there

so when he asks for your number you dont hesitate for a second

oh and I feel like I should tell you he did not try to hide the hockey thing for even a second

you went on your first date and its like the first thing he tells you about

“you should come to game someday, I think you’d like it”

“i’d even start a fight with someone if you like that”

and then he goes on to tell you about how the little girl loved the toys 

oh and the date wasn't like super fancy or anything he just took you to a diner and you got fries and chicken wings and milkshakes

but it was perfect

and then you took a walk and happened to go by a cinema

“omg have you seen the new ‘the incredibles?’”

and you said no and before you know it youre both in the theatre so fucking excited and you get so into the movie

then when its over you both keep talking about it and he says something about elastigirl being super hot and youre like yeah obviously 

and you tell him you wanna do that again sometime and he agrees and suddenly youre kissing 

and its nice

and then you pull away and youre smiling at each other like idiots before he takes your hand and you start walking back to the diner because thats where the car is

and its a little more quiet now after the kiss because none of you know what to say but youre both still smiling

the next date was a dinner date and he spent the night at your place

there wasn't ever a “what are we” conversation until like 4 months in when you met his parents

and they dont really know a lot of English but his mom just said “ah, girlfriend! Y/N!” when she saw you and you were like FUCK YES because obviously youre mad about him

turns out he’s just assumed youre in a relationship the whole time 

so that night when you talked about it he was like ????

“you dont think im your boyfriend? have you been seeing other people??”

so sweet

you obviously haven't 

and I mean you've been to his games countless times wearing his jersey etc

so you were in a relationship it was just a little unclear

and there was this one time I wanna tell you about

you were cooking together and he was making rice

and he burnt the entire thing because he barely used any water

you called him an idiot (in a very loving way)

“but you love me, though”

“do i?”

“yeah. and I love you”

YES YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED

you looked up at him and he wouldn't meet your eyes because he was so scared

and he turned around to cut some veggies on the counter behind him

so you went and sat down on the counter right next to him

waiting for him to look up at you 

but he just wouldn't 

and he was lowkey freaking out because you hadn't said it back yet

AND HE JUST WOULDNT LOOK UP 

so you grabbed his chin and tilted his head up to meet your eyes

“I love you, you idiot”

and he cut himself. 

yes.

so youre running to get bandaids and he’s trying to stop the bleeding and then eventually you got it all fixed and through the entire thing he hasn’t stopped giggling and smiling

“you really are an idiot”

“but you love idiot”

“yeah, i do”

i realize this is getting long but there’s more

so the more basic boyfriend stuff

gets you flowers at least once a week because he has no idea how to spend his money

he’s always planning your future

like a Dalmatian walks by and he’s staring at it and then

“we get those”

??

“Dalmatians. we should have Dalmatians someday”

“and then when we know we can handle dogs we have kids”

“also if youre freaking out about pregnancy and pushing baby out we can adopt”

“but also im just sayin, a baby that looks like you would be a good baby”

he’s also always buying you the weirdest shit

like he sees something that reminds him of you and he’s like yeah ill get it

a fucking sweater with a Dalmatian on it

“it’s our future child!”

you were once singing along to Britney Spears from the top of your lungs together in the car

the next day he’s got tickets to her show

imagine a 10 year old millionaire 

thats pasta

on your birthday he got up in the middle of the night and painted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY Y/N” in big bold letters on his wall so when you woke up it’d be the first thing you saw

YES HE RUINED THE WALL JUST LIKE THAT

“I can get it painted, it’s worth it”

he’s also big on cuddling with your boobs in his face

like he’ll just lie down on top of you and shove his face into your chest and 5 minutes later he’s asleep like that

“if we have a kid we should name it spagetti”

“if we have two we can make one macaroni”

“or do you want them to have your lastname?”

“come on it’s fun”

“middle name?”

you end up naming the dogs gemelli and fusilli 

you call them gem and fuss though

[unholyhelbiglinked]

Camp Beaverbrook | 007

CHECK OUT THE STORY FROM THE START HERE

Hey Mom!

It’s been what? A week since I’ve last written. I’m not really sure if they’re sending these letters on Fridays or if they actually spend that much money on postage. Part of me thinks that they don’t send them at all and they’re just sitting in those big plastic cases that Gail always keeps under lock and key. It’s been fun, though, but I’m ready to be a counselor now. I think this is the perfect send off.

Emily

She mindlessly pushed the three lone carrots against the broth backdrop. They looked sad, all of their coating having tinted the liquid that they swam in. They looked like little life rafts that could carry a whole person if a person was an ant.

She had her lip between her teeth, her stare trained in the general direction of the counselors. On one counselor that had the sunlight hitting her just right as it rose against the mess hall. Emily had a full conversation with her yesterday, one where she only choked on her words once or twice. She knew Aubrey, had seen her every single day at camp for the past three and a half years but still- each time was met with her heart in her throat and an instant moisture to her palms.

The blonde did a bit of a double take, first catching a gray gaze before shooting back down to her own food and up again. She offered up a kind smile and a half-hearted wave. Emily fumbled with herself, cheeks inflamed as she lifted her chin in a nod and looked back toward the grooves of the table that had gotten so interesting. An onion clung to the back of her spoon.

“You are helpless.” Hayley tore a generous piece from a roll, dipping it into the broth. “Just jump her bones already.”

“What?” Emily hissed, voice low “I don’t want to- I mean, she’s flawless but that doesn’t mean I need to have sex with her. Honestly just being in her presence-“She trailed off, gulping in a heap of air “Where’s Jane?”

“Nice change of subject Michel Emerson.”

Emily let out a deep grumble at the reference. Hayley was playing to her weakness; a shitty movie about vampires that hung from the bottom of train tracks. Michel Emerson had risked everything for a pretty girl with an alluring personality, even if it did turn him into a creature of the night. “Seriously, asshole, she hasn’t shown for lunch, and now dinner?”

“So? Jane never shows. She probably passed out after her time slot on the lake. Yeah?” Hayley rolled her eyes.

She had spent more than enough time talking Emily down. She had kept the clumsy girl from nearly drowning in the lake when Aubrey told her to simply cool off. It was getting late, there was sleep eating away at the edge of her mind and it showed in her demeanor. Not particularly sunny, but often times confused with discontent.

“Sure.” Emily agreed, not having anything else to do. She had lost all appetite for any type of dinner. There was a sneaking pinprick at the back of her mind. Something that she had gotten before. Her mother used to say the uneasiness was a clear sign that she needed to listen to her gut. But that was only before she put her on a plane for a class trip to New York with enough money to buy mace as soon as they touched down.

Now it was rocking her whole entire sense of being.

Emily let her spoon fall into the soup that was mainly untouched. It created a loud noise and beef broth soaked against her cheek. Hayley flinched, lifting her eyebrows. “You’re going to offend the chef.”

Coffee eyes shot towards the kitchen, Jesse was bringing the knife down on what looked like more onions. It certainly smelled that way. He had bulky headphones over his ears and a towel against his shoulder, head bobbing along. Somehow, she knew he would be okay.

She rolled her eyes and swung her legs over the bench. “Wha- where are you going?”

“I am going to go check her cabin,” Emily said, throwing her napkin down against the bowl of soup before gathering it all together. She didn’t wait for Hayley to open her mouth in protest, instead, she walked towards the very window that supplied the neon light of the kitchen.

Jesse glanced up, lifting his chin slightly before she gave him a wary smile and dropped the bowl before anyone else had, careful not to spill the broth. He went back to bobbing his head, and Emily exited the mess hall trying impossibly hard not to look towards the counselors.

There was a frigid chill to the air that made her seek for any type of warmth, a jacket over her simple cotton t-shirt, something to ease the cold that presented itself the moment the sun started to lower against the pine needle trees.

She shoved her hands into her jean shorts and walked against the path that had been carved out ages ago. There were boot prints, and even bare feet tracked in the loose dirt. Her breath pressed into the air in a soft cloud, something she used to exhaust. That small prick buzzing like her table was ready at a family restaurant.

The cabin looked bigger than before, almost like each of the three steps that she took up to the screen door were miles long. Her legs ached and shook, but she still pulled it open and glanced around the space: Her bed had been made this morning and was still left untouched. Hayley’s was a mess under her own, and Jane was empty. The covers were pulled back and the setting sun highlighted it in a ghastly orange.

Emily let out the breath that she didn’t know she was holding onto. Her lungs burned, and her ears were ringing now. A pressure and anxiety that she couldn’t fiddle with tugged at her. The door creaking open as she turned to face it.

Hayley.

She leaned against the doorframe, eyebrows raised. “Not here?”

“No, afraid not.” Emily let out a deep breath. “Dinner over?”

The girl nodded and flopped down on her mattress, stretching her hands out over her head as she groaned as her back popped in just the right way. She didn’t think she took that long to walk to the cabin across the camp, but she had, dragging her feet and begging for a reason to make the ringing stop.

Emily could feel her throat tighten and she blamed the cold air, not the deepening feeling in her stomach as she shook her head and pushed past her screen door, standing staggered against the steps to her cabin. It was crowded this time, kids trying to get back to their bunks before the mountain night grew chillier.

She watched as kids that wore a mix of forest green and golden yellow walked among counselors that were far from finished with their nights. She would often see the fire rising from the rocky shore and smell the beer in the metal trash cans that next morning. The thought made her skin prickle.

Aubrey Posen stood by the edge of the path, her arms crossed over her chest as those deep green eyes peered into Beca’s. The girl was shorter than her superior, but the way she puffed out her chest and sneered made Emily think that she had more gall than the woman she was looking for. Chloe had an even hand on her shoulder as if to hold her back or pull her to their shared cabin. The archery instructor lifting perfectly sculpted eyebrows up in discontent.

Emily steeled her nerves and walked forward, cutting across the crowd as a few people mumbled while others stared directly at her. She kept her distance, but not too much, Beca Mitchell shooting her midnight stare her way as if to acknowledge her presence.

“Hey, Em” Chloe offered up warmly, trying to defuse the situation, Aubrey’s own stare had softened a great deal, though, she never let her shoulders drop. “What’s up?”

She wanted words for form, really, she did. But they seemed to stall in her throat. At the crackling sound that she let out, Aubrey straightened her shoulders and turned herself completely towards the camper, knitting her brow. “Em?”

“I don’t want to bother you, it’s just- Jane, my cabin mate, I haven’t seen her all day.”

She knew she was taking it slow, mumbling. Four sets of eyes were on her. The surrounding area had been voided of kids, all of them sneaking liquor in their own cabins. Smoking loose cigarettes that they had hidden in their t-shirts before spraying a thick layer of lavender spray.  

“She usually misses breakfast, but never lunch, or dinner. I’m uh, I’m worried about her.”

“Jane Eide?” Stacie asked, shoving her hands into the pockets of her oversized sweatshirt. “I’ve been working with her. She didn’t show today, though, figured she had fallen asleep.”

“I pulled her from the water the other night,” Beca admitted, “Late. She and two others were out on the lake after dark.”

Aubrey pulled in an easy breath, one that was far too calm for a situation like this, there was an unknown type of fear that was behind her darkened eyes. One that she wouldn’t really admit to, but Emily could see it. She could feel it.

“Right, so no one has seen her since last night?” All silence and blinking eyes. “Emily, did you hear her come in last night?”

“No, I didn’t. Neither did Hayley.”

“Okay. Stacie, you go back to the mess hall with Jesse, search the mess hall and the quad.” Aubrey had a certain stiffness to her voice. “Chloe, Beca. I need you to go to the north building and check the phone log- maybe she phoned home. Emily, follow me.”

No one made a move for a few seconds, just staring at the woman in front of them until she clapped her hands together and snapped everyone out of a haze that felt like a hazy dream. Campers didn’t just vanish. Some would get homesick, sure, but they would call their parents and get picked up begrudgingly. The feeling Emily had seemed to stem within the circle of them and extend- Stacie the first to nod and step away, doing a slight jog towards her station.

Chloe took reign and used the hand still on Beca’s shoulder to drag her towards the building that housed a small desk and the white postal bucket that everyone placed their letters in. There was a phone and a yellow log to write in, hopefully, Jane had.

“Come on,” Aubrey said, and Emily followed like an obedient dog on a short leash. They were walking in one clear direction and Aubrey was moving fast the cold not seeming to get to her, so Emily rolled her shoulders back and forgot about her own chilled bones.

Aubrey pushed past the door to her little cabin, something that looked out over the east side of the lake and was isolated to everyone else. No one dared come this close to a place like this, the place that Aubrey would sit and drink coffee before anyone disturbed her.

Emily didn’t know what to expect, but it looked almost normal: There was a little television that was an obnoxious shade of blue and had rabbit ears stretching to the sky. A nicely made bed and a small table with two chairs on either side of it. There were lights strung up over a floral bedspread. It smelled thickly of lavender, and it pulled Emily in. She struggled to stay against the threshold.

“Here,” Aubrey seemed slightly out of breath, she stretched forward and handed Emily a hard metal flashlight. She had palmed one herself, its silver shell reflecting the fairy lights. “We’re going to check around the lake.”

“Okay,” was all Emily could mumble, the woman pulled open what looked like a closet instead of a dresser. She produced a brown leather bomber jacket that had a fur collar, folded and covered in patches. It looked worn and overwhelmed her with scent as it was tossed in her direction. “I can’t-“

“It’s cold,” Aubrey said tenderly. She was wearing a sweatshirt herself, adjusting the collar as she flicked off the light and pressed herself through the doorway. Emily could feel her heat against her front.

She hurriedly slid it over her shoulders before closing the door and jogging slightly to catch up with Aubrey, she had already flicked her flashlight on. It created a circle of yellow that she swept over the grounds that they walked against, their sneakers loud compared to the silence of the night. Emily couldn’t hear crickets.

Her shoulder would bump against Aubrey’s every couple of steps, and she savored the touch, moving her own beam of light close to the water’s edge. It lapped at the stones and made them look prettier than they really were.

“I lost my hamster once.” Emily finally said timidly.

There was a slight hint of a laugh, or maybe a scoff, that pushed past Aubrey’s lips. Either way,  its splayed against the darkness of the sky in a puff of white. “What?”

“Yeah, when I was six, I had a hamster and he got out of his cage somehow. We couldn’t find him for a couple of days- maybe a week. I don’t remember. I was six. But we finally found him, you know.”

“Where was he?” Aubrey asked, pulling a branch up for the both of them to duck under. It smelled like pine and dropped dead needles at the movement. The lights from the camp were getting smaller as they wandered into the large isolated parts of the perimeter. The lights from the cabins looked like they were put through a funhouse mirror as they reflected off the inky water.

“He was in the television.”

“Your hamster?”

Emily hummed in response, letting her light move against the stretch of trees. They looked scarier at night. “Yeah, in that little part where the speakers usually are. He had chewed through all of them, so at least we knew he didn’t starve. The little guy lived four more years after that… so uh, maybe we’ll find her. You know?”

“Jane is a person, not a rodent.”

“Oh, I know,” Emily’s shoe slid on the closest rock, the sound splaying oddly as Aubrey instinctively reached and clutched onto her arm, keeping her from sliding too much “Thanks. I just don’t think I’ve lost anything else before.”

Aubrey stopped then, her back to the forest as she parted her lips. Emily didn’t know if it had anything to do with her eyes adjusting or the fact that the moon had risen to its fullest point, but it was easier to see. Every part of Aubrey looked milky blue, her lips and eyes darker than the rest of her subtle features. She looked like a siren, playing oddly with the rubber button on her light. Almost like she was nervous.

“I have,” Aubrey said, so softly it was almost muted by the water lapping the shore. “My father he uh, he left when I was fifteen, maybe sixteen? I don’t think we tried too hard to find him but it um, it feels kind of like this. You know?”

“Like someone is holding your heart and just kind of… squeezes it?”

Aubrey let out a long-held onto breath “Yeah, yeah. Like that. Is it getting tighter for you too?”

Emily chewed on her bottom lip. She had to admit, the feeling seemed to melt away around Aubrey. She was a calming presence, an authority figure that she gawked at if anything. Aubrey sniffed, eyes sad in the moonlight as they flicked towards Emily’s mouth. “Yeah, I think so.” It was no more than a whisper.

“Emily…?”

“Yeah, Aubrey?”

The older woman’s hands were cold as she took a fluid step forward, her fingers curling around the back of Emily’ neck as she let the other hand hold tight against the flashlight. Emily had kissed people before, hell, she had done it often and diligently, but this was different. This was soft and Aubrey tasted like a mix of cinnamon and heat. Her nose was cold against her cheek as her touch moved against Emily’s jaw delicately.

Emily pulled away with a sharp breath, leaning her forehead against Aubrey’s. That hand around her heart had released its hold and let it flourish as the blood rushed past her ears. “Whoa.”

“That was-“Aubrey swallowed, her hand dropped her hand down “I’m sorry, I misread the situation, I’m sorry.” She apologized twice in one sentence, wanting to move away completely, but she had found Emily’s hand curled around the collar of her sweatshirt, holding her in place.

“No,” She whispered, “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to do that but-“

“It’s not the right time.” Aubrey finished her thought, swallowing roughly. “We need to keep going.”

Emily nodded and eventually dislodged her fingers from the girl's coat, even if it was the last thing she wanted to do. They returned to walking in silence, their feet crunching against dried leaves and gravel. She could swear she felt the ghost of a cold hand.  

[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

[heyitslapis]

Ok let's see... its been about 3 weeks since i posted last, give or take a few days. And I'll just say its been an interesting and exhausting few weeks.

Still trying to completely get over my dumbf*ck feelings for Alex. I'm not really doing a super great job at that, and still get random depressive moments that last a varying amount of time, but usually i just push my pity party to the side after about 2 minutes.

On the 3rd of June, Alex went up to see part of her family and join them on a cruise to Columbia. She said wont be back until maybe the 3rd or 4th of July at the earliest. I kinda miss her, but I feel like spending a month physically apart from her will do me some good. Her and i still snap back and fourth to save our streak and to day good morning. Whenever she cant find wifi, she turns on her dad's personal hotspot so she can send me at least one snap to keep our streak rolling (we are the longest streak we have with anyone on our snapchats, and it stands currently at 261 days.) The day after she left the streak sorta died for the day, but she was able to save it cause she was in a different time zone.

Since she's been gone, we've hired several new people at work, many if which being new hosts (thank God tbh, cause this means after theyre all done training and get a couple weeks to get used to everything i can train as a server and hopefully make a little more money). One of them is Giovanni's sister (Gio is a guy that works there. Mostly does dish, sometimes hosts.) And apparently she likes me? About a week before she started they came in to eat with their mom and after they left Gio was like "Dude, i think my sister likes you."

Hey, some random girl actually has a crush on me for the first time in my life? That's cool! Right? It would be, if she weren't 17. If i were still 18 or 19, i wouldnt really care. But now that im 20, even though we only have a 2 year and almost 6 month age difference, i still feel like its weird. I feel like im in a whole new age threshold now that ive hit that 2 decade mark, and she just seems to me like a kid. Anyway, Sammy (thats her) is bi with a preference for girls. She's very forward about asking the girls at work about their sexuality (she'll be mid convo and just be like "wait; you straight?") She makes a hobby of flirting with the straight girls, because as she says it, she can easily flirt with straight girls bc she knows she wont have a chance. As soon as she knows theyre bi or gay, she cant even really talk to them. Sammy flirts with me in excess, has asked me 3 times if im straight, or if im sure that i am (homegirl has only been here like two weeks), and the reason why is because she would happily let me break her heart, and has said thats its too bad im not gay bc if i was she would let me crush her. Also has told me that i remind her of her ex girlfriend, and when i said idk if thats supposed to be a compliment or not, she said "well i really liked her, so..." Oh and btw all 3 times shes asked, I've told her im straight (yknow, bc im not out to the irl general public) and I'll just say that having to lie outloud about my sexuality does not feel that great. Thats not something ive ever had to verbally do before, and now i understand. Tbh i dont really lie, or at least i very rarely do, bc i dont like it, and i want to be seen as trustworthy. i have told my share of lies in my day, but i feel like that was in the top 3 worst lies ive ever told. Simply because i know thats not who i am, yet im saying it anyway.

Besides that, in these last couple weeks ive:

Gotten my computer hacked and almost got scamed out of the piddly $120 dollars total that is in my bank account for me to try to live off of until next Fridays paycheck, and almost got my brother's bank account hacked (looong f*ckin story. Short version, im a gotdang fool, and people are absolute bastards), so now i cant use my computer until i get it looked at, which means no art (sucks bc i wanted to draw myself a bi pride icon)

Put in 103 hours at work in the last 2 weeks

Had our only available car break down twice

Got about half of our kitchen painted. Still need to find time to finish it

Purchased tickets for a convention, and bought almost everything i need to finish my cosplay.

Have a sore in the back of my mouth thats been plaguing me for over a week (finally starting to heal. Its been hurting to do so much as talk, much less eat or drink)

Had to deal with everyone's attitudes at work (some sh*ts going on with the moon and everyones been a pissy ass lately, and im so over it)

The pain in the ass girl at work that we've been trying to get rid of for over a year called in and quit 15 minutes before her literal last shift (Father's day) and our proprietary manager told her "its bullshit that you just found out that your other job scheduled you to work today 15 minutes before you had to come here" and "dont try to come back to this store again". Im ecstatic about it tbqh and feel a small sense of victory about the whole thing.

One of my favorite gays from work had his last shift Saturday night and im still sad about it.

It may not seem like much but its just all around every other day something else small happened to add to the weird and crazy smorgasbord that is my life.

Also bless Sammy bc yesterday was Father's Day, and because of that, i was in the building of my work at 9:45am, started working to get set up at 10, opened around 10:50, and didnt stop until about 8:50pm, 10 minutes before we closed. Our proprietary manager bought us tons of pizza and snacks in the middle of our shift so that we could all take turns having a 10 minute breather, but other than that it was non-stop work and dedication to the customer. At 9:50am my brother went to the Duncan Donuts down the road from us to get the handful of morning people either coffee or bagels or whatever they asked for. I told my brother to get me the english muffin with egg and cheese, and if they had the option, to add sausage to it. Also to tell Sammy i said hi (because she works at that Duncan also, and was there yesterday morning). My brother comes back with breakfast, hands me my food and said that Sammy made it especially for me. (At that time i was also in a bad mood bc i was tired from working four open doubles in a row, and was stressed, so that really lifted my spirits a bit. The food, and the thought that someone made it especially for me.) And i'll just say she just earned my love for the next week at least.

Anyway i think thats all for now loves. I dont have a very eventful life, but i sure do have a busy one.

[itsdmod]

@letalisinsania submitted:

Hey :) I wrote something for you, nothing special. I was inspired by your headcannon with Kingfield in the coffeeshop and came up with this. So, this is for you, hope you like it, take care <3

Claudette yawned, laying her head from side to side, letting her neckbones crack. Dwight hissed „Can you stop that please, you know I hate that sound“ - „Well we actually all hate that sound“ Nea grinned, putting another stack of to-go-cups on the counter. Claudette yawned again, rubbing her eyes before looking back in her biology book. She had been up almost all night studying. Dwight saw the light in her room when he went to the kitchen twice, rumbling around in the fridge, trying to distract himself.He was someone who als always in his thoughts, thinking too much, but lately it got much worse. Not in a bad way though, but if your job requires you to handle coffee brewers, you better focus.

„Hey, the counter is clean enough“ he snapped out, his supervisor Jake pointing at the counter, that Dwight just cleaned for the fifth time. He sighted and put the cloth away. Almost 9am. He really hated this job, but he had to earn money to support himself for college. His parents didn’t do it, and they also didn’t really care if he went to college, or care in general, so he was on his own with that. Dwight hat gotten used to it since he was a kid, that his existence was accepted, but nothing that anyone seemed to enjoy or be exited about. He didn’t learn it any different, so he went along with it. He sighted, 2 more minutes till 9am. Was he unhappy? He couldn’t really answer that question. Sure there were people who had it worse, we wasn’t someone who complains, but he wished he could go out of his head sometimes.

The doorbell jingled, making Dwight leaving his trail of thoughts. He didn’t have to look up; the footsteps became familiar to him over the last few weeks, and even if that person would be floating into the coffeeshop; he would still knew it was him, since Dwight instantly felt the weird combination of his heart racing and his mind calming down.

„Good Morning Dwight“ he looked up. Hearing him say his name made his heart skip a few beats, every single time. „Good Morning David“ he said, and he was sure that his voice was shaking. „Damnit“ Dwight cursed at himself in his head.

„How are you?“ David smiled widely and sweetly. Good now that you are here. Great now that I get to see you. Tired since I usually spend my nights thinking about you. Hugging you. Your lips. Kissing you. Sad because I know you will never think this way about me….

Dwight cleared his throat. „Fine, how about yourself?“ David crooked his head, rubbing trough his hair. „I can’t complain.“ He was still smiling, a smile that could conquer a whole world.

Dwight remembered when David came into the coffeeshop for the first time. How he looked around, hesitant, and Dwight couldn’t take his eyes off him. That guy instantly fascinated him, and it wasn’t for his muscly arms, or that mischievous smile, not even the beautiful, deep eyes that were to die for. No, it was how David made him feel. How he stood there, at the other side of the counter, looking at him, and the carousel in Dwights mind stopped. All his thoughts were washed away. He just felt calm, comfortable..and peacefull. He couldnt stop staring at David and didn’t even mind if someone noticed. If someone talked about it. If someone talked about him at all. Nea tried to take Davids order but Claudette took her arm, talking about problems with the whipped cream, shoving her to the backroom.

David was still smiling at Dwight, didn’t make a move to order or say something. So Dwight just smiled back, feeling lighthearted and lightheaded. If it wouldn’t have been for Jake, who got impatient and forced Dwight to take Davids order, maybe they would still be standing there.

„The same as usual?“ - „Well you know me“ Dwight smiled, letting David pay for the coffee, waiting for Claudette to make it. There was no chance that he would leave the counter, letting this for him precious minutes pass until the order was ready. And Claudette made sure she was slowly. Very slowly.

„You have classes later?“ David asked. In the last weeks they both learned something about the other one every day. It wasn’t much, but Dwight clinged on every second, every word. „Yes, only afternoon classes today, after that, Claudette, Nea and I gonna go watch a movie“ - „Which one?“ David asked. „The new Thor one“ - „Oh thats cool, I wanted to see that one too“ - „Well, you should go see it, I gonna tell you tomorrow how it was.“ Dwight answered and smiled, not seeing Nea, who cleaned up a table, burying her face into her hands and shaking her head. „Order for David is ready“ Jake yelled a tone too loud. Dwight sighted, with Jake being here today, the time talking to David got a lot shortened. „Oh, seems like I have to get going.“ David said but didn’t make a move. „Dwight, there are customers waiting!“ Jake placed the to-go-cup in front of him, before heading to the backroom.

Dwight and David both reached out for the cup, their fingertips touching. It felt like a electric shock for Dwight, he pulled back, trying to cover up his feelings with a smile. David stared at the cup, just a moment too long, as he was about to say something. Then he cleared his throat. „Goodbye, see you tomorrow.“ He headed out, Dwight still looking after him after he was long gone.

„Youre such an idiot!“ Nea blurted out when they were on their way to the movies. „What have I done now?“ Dwight asked, already playing all kinds of scenarios where he could potentially have fucked up in his head.

„David!“ - „David?“ he asked. „Yes!“ She playfully hitted him on his chest „He wanted you to ask him out! He wanted to see the movie with you and youre all like „you should see it I gonna tell you how it was“ man, that was painful to watch. So, you’re an idiot.“ Dwight laughed fakely „If you really think he wants to go out with me, well, then clearly YOU are the idiot.“ She rolled her eyes. „Girl, back me up on this.“ Claudette layed her hand on Dwights shoulder. „Shes right, that guy is totally into you. We both watch this prancing that you two do every day. Just ask him tomorrow if he wants to see the movie with you.“ Dwight sighted „It’s nice of you to say that, but be realistic. A guy like that could never like me. Or love me. I can’t imagine how anyone ever could. Especially not if I like him back.“ Claudette stopped in her tracks „Stop talking yourself down like that, please. How come youre always at ease when hes around, you talk so freely with him, but after he leaves…“ - „I dont feel like going to the movies anymore. I wanna be alone.“ - „Dwight…“ but Dwight just walked away, heading home, leaving Claudette and Nea behind. Unfortunatly, his bad thoughts followed him, all the way home. Into his room.

Dwight layed on his bed staring at the ceiling. He played his meeting with David this morning over and over in his head again. Were the girls right? No it couldnt be. David was just a guy who likes coffee, not him. Who likes a nice conversation in the morning, not him. There was nothing special or interesting about him, no matter how often the girls told him. He rolled on his side, hiding his face in his pillow. Truth was, he wanted David to tell him. He always felt special when he was around him, special to David. But he knew, only because he was feeling like that, didn’t mean this feeling was mutual. He doubted that he was special to David. Or anything at all to him. Dwight laughed to himself. „Maybe I should just ask him to go see the movie with me. Whats the worst that could happen? I could never see him again. Never. And thats why I would never dare…“

When he got up the next morning Dwight felt really bad for ditching the girls like that. Thats not how he usually was, they were his friends, they wanted to help him, and he acted out on them. He wanted to apologize, but Claudette and Nea didn’t even let him finish. „No reason to apologize, we shouldn’t have pushed you like that, all right?“ Claudette smiled and them hugged him. Dwight sighted, that didn’t take away his guild but it made him slidely feel better. They opened the coffeeshop and Dwight found himself staring at the clock, getting more and more impatient each second.

„Calm down man, he will come“ - „Its almost 9:30, he wont come!“ Nea patted his back „He will! And Jake comes in later so dont worry, I will fuck his coffee up many times, you will have all the time in the world to talk to him“ she grinned. Dwights mind was racing. What if someone happened to David? That thought alone made his chest feel so tight that it was hard to breathe. Or what if he grew tired of coming here? What if he decided the good coffee isnt worth an annoying barista? What if he hates me? What if he really wanted me to ask him out..oh god what if he thinks I hate him? But well, what if he hates me?? And I never see him again?? He took of his glasses and a deep breath. He wouldnt have a mental breakdown right here right now. But what if David really hated him? It wouldnt surprise him at all. Maybe it would be for the better if he never came back. After all, Dwight was used to being let down, being alone wasnt make him happy, but at least it was a persistence in his life. „Good Morning Dwight.“ Dwight winced, quickly putting his glasses back on. He blinked. „Everything allright with you?“ Davids deep voice ringed in his ears. He could just nod, smiling, and feeling as reliefed as he never felt before.

David smiled, wearing a button uped shirt with short sleeves and Dwight almost forgot to start breathing again. „Yes, I am, how are you, anything new with you?“ Dwight asked, trying his very best to stop staring at Davids biceps.

„Our coffee brewer has some problems today, it will take some time, sorry“ Nea shouted and well, David didn’t really look disappointed about it.

He leaned a bit forward, propping his arms up on the counter. Dwight was damn sure David could here his heart beating. „How was the movie?“ - „Oh..I didn’t see it, something came up, another time.“ ask him to go with you! Dwight screamed at himself in his head, but he remained silent. David did the same, they just smiled at each other, and it was a comfortable silence. Dwights eyes wandered and he noticed the liontattoo on Davids arm. „Oh, cool!“ he breathed out, and, without thinking or doubting, he ran a finger over the outlines of the tattoo, not even realising he was touching him. „I like it.“ he said, looking up at David and smiling. Davids face was bright red, he pulled back his arm, and Dwight could swear he felt goosebumps on his arm. Then it hit him. He had touched David, and not in a -patting-on-the-shoulder way. Why, whyyyy…he cried out in his head. Why did I do it, where is my hesitation and selfdoubt when I really need it?? Dwight didn’t know how to react, or what to say. If he didn’t fuck it up before, he for sure did now. David didn’t move, he looked like he was glued in place.

Claudette was sitting a few metres away, acting so far like she was glued to her book, but always keeping an eye on Dwight. She saw how they both stood there, helpless, and although it was cute to watch, she wanted to help.

„Could you two help me? I am slowly close to despair. I can’t seem to memorize any of this“ She placed her book there where Davids arm leaned before. David seemed relief for the disturbance, Dwight still lost in a chain of thoughts racing trough his mind. David cleared his throat, face still red. „Sure, what can we help you with?“ - „Here, I need to memorize the meaning of the flowers, but its so hard.“ Dwight wanted to run away, just run and never look back, but Claudette made big puppy eyes, and he couldn’t say no to a friend in need. He bend over the book, reading a few meanings. Well he read them, but didn’t understand a word. David was leaning over the book from the other side and he could breathe in his scent. David smelled like a sunrise at the ocean to him. Like love. Like comfort. David cleared his throat, started to ask Claudette a few meanings of various flowers, but everytime Claudette just shook her head, sighting in frustration. Dwight had to admit that he found that quite odd, since he never saw her struggling with everything like that. „Maybe learning from hearing it is easier, you know, like memorizing the lyrics of a song.“ She said „Like here, you ask Dwight and I listen.“ Dwight had no idea were Claudette was going with that, but everything was better to him now than facing that stroking embarassment. Still he couldn’t get himself to look at David again. He heard Nea fumbling with the coffeebrewer. He wanted her to finish it quicker, but he also wanted her to take forever.

Claudette was still pointing to a specific flowers in the book. David cleared his throat again. „Uhm…lavender rose, what does that one mean?“ Now Dwight looked at him again, meeting Davids gaze made his racing and stopping at the same time. „I have no idea“ he said, laughing shyly. David looked back in the book, laughing nervously. „So, what does it mean?“ Claudette asked him. „It means…love at first sight.“ David coughed, his face still bright red or red again. Dwight didn’t know what to say, or feel, or do. He wanted to think about again how stupid the thought alone of David loving him was, but he couldn’t get himself to do it. Or how stupid it was to think about it just because David was reading something from a stupid book. He couldn’t do that either.

„Okay, now you!“ Claudette turned the book around, pointing at a certain paragraph „ask him.“ Dwight looked at the pointed at picture, it was a lily. He didnt read the meaning beforehand, otherwise he could never ask. „Uhm, the lily.“ - „You have to tell me, I don’t know that“ David smiled. „It means…I dare you to love me.“ Dwight read the words before his mind was processing what he was saying. He could feel his face heating up, his heart sank into the ground, his mind screaming, but when he looked up at David, he forgot all of it. He instantly was thrown back to the sunrise at the beach, the comfort, the calmness. David didn’t say a word, he just looked at Dwight, looked away, back at him again, smiling akward, then widely, and Dwight had to correct himself; THIS was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Maybe there was still hope, even for him.

„Thank you, I think I can handle it from now on“ Claudette took her book and sat down at the other side of the counter. Dwight wanted to say something, but even more, he just wanted to stare at David. „Your coffee!“ Nea placed the cup on the counter, grinning from one to another, Dwight thought about hitting her. David must have been deep in his thoughts cause he startled at the sudden interruption, looking at his watch „oh my, I am already way too late, I am sorry, I…see you tomorrow.“ he took the coffee and headed towards the door, running against it when he tried pushing instead of pulling it, almost dropping his coffee. Then he was gone. Dwight glared at Nea „why, Nea, WHY?“ she looked apologetic „Jakes shift started a few minutes ago he already gave me suspicious looks…but wow that was something wasn’t it?“ - „Yeah, he ran away.“ - „I don’t care, I watched everything, what do you think why I made you read that stuff about the flowers? If you say one more time he isn’t into you I gonna…“ Claudette was interupted by Nea who pointed at the door „Speaking of which“ Claudette and Dwight looked to the door. David was pacing back and forth outside, it looked like he was mumbling something or talking to someone. Dwight went around the counter to have a better few. What was going on with him?

David fumbled with the cup, Dwight still couldn’t see too much. David came back to the door, stopped in his tracks, waited, then he came back in. „Everything okay?“ Dwight asked, not knowing what else he could do. Maybe David came back to throw the coffee in his face, who knows.

David reached him, holding the cup tight. „Uhm yeah, here, take this back.“ Dwight frowned as he looked at David, holding the cup out to him. What was happening? „Why? Anything wrong with the coffee?“ - „Please, just take it!“ David came closer, putting the cup in Dwights hands. „Is something wrong with the coffee?? We will make you a new one, please..please don’t stop coming here every morning..“ Dwight wasn’t sure why he said that or how he build up the courage to do so, but he wanted David to know that he couldn’t lose him.

„I won’t stop…“ David took a deep breath, already half turned to the door, when he suddenly launched forward, hugging Dwight. It was a short hug, but a tight and gentle one. „Okay, bye!“ David let go and was already out the door before Dwight could breathe again. Neas cheering rang in his ears, he was gripping the cup so tight that he almost smashed it. „Wooow, Fairfield, good for youu!“ Dwight still stood there like a statue, he could still feel Davids embrace, never wanting to let go of that feeling again. „Nea, the customers are waiting!“ Jake yelled, and Nea was back behind the counter after she rolled her eyes. „Hey, you okay there?“ Claudette was beside him, laying an arm on his shoulder. Dwight nodded, looking down at the cup, when he realized, there was something written on it. He read it and smiled widely. „You know that feeling Clau, when someone hugs you so tightly, that all of your broken pieces get put back together?“ - „No, I don't“ - „Me neither, but I do now.“ Claudette smiled widely, rubbing his back encouraging before going back to her books. Dwight walked, no floated back around the counter, looking at his watch, waiting for time to pass, for his shift to be over. He also waited for his mind to feed him all kinds of doubts, sad thoughts and bad scenarios. But none of that happened. He looked at the cup again. Maybe there was still a chance for him being loved back after all. „[phone number] Call me tonight if you dare. I am waiting. David.“

[vanta-velouria]

I had a cold dose of reality last night.For a brief moment in my life i let my reality slip and thought maybe my world could be some semblance, some pieced together reflection of what other people lives are like. I for a small time stupidly thought i could have something to hope in, but hope is not a luxury afforded to people like me. 

I am a shit Buddhist, I am a very jealous person and i cant ever seem to let that go. I am jealous of everyone for everything. When I was a child I was jealous because everyone else I ever saw had a family. they had toys and easter bunnies. They had kisses on scraped knees and birthday candles. They had mommies and daddies who loved them. 

I had abuse. I had rape. I had violence and beatings, Eventually I didnt even have a mother because i was too pretty to be kept around her husbands so I got tossed away like rubbish. I was a problem and I was only good enough to come back for when I was old enough to raise her children, clean her home, get a job and pay her rent and her bills. 

while everyone else got sweet sixteens i was a seasoned sex worker with a full time job and three kids to take care of and bills to pay. while everyone else got to stay in high school and go on dates and go to parties, I got to go to work and get my ass beat and screamed at and reminded how worthless i was.

While everyone else got to go off to college and have friends and a social life, I fought my way to pay for college working two full time jobs and whoring myself on the side that maybe one day i could afford to stop having to struggle to just barely survive. I may have looked like i had a glamorous life in college, I modeled and had nice trinkets and sang in dive bars and coffee houses, but I over glamorize my recollections because it makes it easier to swallow. I modeled because it was extra money and would work around my other two jobs and school schedule and being yelled at and degraded for every imperfection on my body isnt something i would ever wish on anyone else. I had nice things and stupid toys, but they were gifts from the men i whored myself out to to pay for college, not presents from some one who loved me or anyone special and it rarely if ever made up for the things they did to me that guilted them into the stupid gifts! and I sang for spare change and whatever money i could make to try to e able to afford a meal every now and then. When you live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and you're poor, you will do whatever it takes to get something to eat once in a while. 

While everyone else got great memories I had reality.

 While everyone else had parents and family that went to their graduations, I had to beg and plead and pay my mother to come to mine of which she only came to one, just one, and only because i paid for her plain ticket and took her out to a fancy restaurant and took her shopping and gave her money and as soon as she was done in the city i gave her money for a plane ticket back to her home. I dont think she even actually went inside to watch me graduate from college. 

Wile the rest of the world gets their mommies and daddies to plan their weddings and walk them down the isles i didnt even get a response to my invitations. I never got to have a real wedding and nobody ever responded from my side. no one ever even looked at me when i was so happy to think maybe i would have someone who would stay with me and not hurt me anymore. nobody even noticed i was there. 

when I almost died and ended up in the hospital more times than i care to count, you think anyone ever showed up for me? you think anyone ever called? only once did i have a friend show up with my dad and that’s only because my dad lived with me and it was in his old car that i got hit and almost killed in. hell after that I never even had anyone come visit me. nobody could have cared any less. when my spine got demolished and i had to have emergency spinal surgery, do you think anyone gave a single shit? nope, I didnt even get but two weeks to recover from the surgery before i had to move and go immediately back to working two jobs to barely survive.

when i finally found a way to start transitioning, i thought maybe just maybe something good will get to happen to me and i can finally have one thing thats just for me in life. I was working two full time jobs and taking care of someone elses home and family at the same time and once again had to go back to sex work to buy groceries and maybe just maybe save a little here and there for my doctor appointments and my hormones. I went through hell just to afford to transition all the while being abused by my wife and the people we were staying with. only two find out after three years of working myself to death to try and even just accomplish this one thing, that i will never be able to physically transition. I wasted all that time and effort and money. the things i had to do to get that money.. all for nothing. while everyone else gets to have hormones and surgeries and even if they get misgendered they at least get support from a friend once in a while. i have always and will always be misgended every minute of everyday by everyone in my life save for three people, two of which i never get to talk anymore and one i only recently became reacquainted with. i will never get to look in the mirror and see anything other than this worthless piece of shit body that isnt good for anything except for other people to fuck once in a while when their drunk and im desperately hurting for money.

whenever my life falls apart do you think i have anyone in the entire world that i could call and ask for even a hug? because when my wife hurt me and left me 4 months ago and i had to live in my car, I tried. I begged everyone i knew to spend time with me and give me a hug. and when my wife finally left my home and I could stop being homeless I offered to pay anyone i knew a lot of money and buy them a plane ticket to just come and stay with me for a week and let me cry. not that I had many people to beg, but every single one turned me down so fast. I put an ad on craigslist and back page offering to pay anyone to just come and stay at my house so i wouldnt have to stay in my home alone. yeah that didnt end well for me and I should have known better, but god i was so tired of being all alone. 

while everyone else can thing of someone, anyone they can call when it all goes to shit, even if they think they have no one they do. they have a friend or a cousin they can go sleep on their couch or a parent they can go back home to even if they dont like the home situation they still at least have that option. 

when my wife was punching my face in i didnt even have friends to cry to or run to or stay with, nope the friend i thought i had took my wifes side and basically said i deserved it because i made my wife miserable by not giving her the life she had wanted. anyone else would have had somewhere to run to or someone to hug them.

I can in all honesty without a shadow of a doubt tell you that when the world falls apart i have never had anyone. not one person i could go to for a hug or a couch to crash on. not one place to call home and run to. and while everyone else gets to fuck it all up and fail and run away and lose themselves and find themselves and just breathe. I have never gotten that luxury, I was always the one everyone turned to, ran to, lived with, lived off of, used, abused, lied to and cheated on. I was always the one saving everyone else and keeping them from ever worrying or having to struggle. I was the one always giving everything up so that everyone else could have a better life. ive never had not one person in the whole world ever offer to give me even a day of peace. 

I will never get to break down, I will never get to fall or fail or run away like all of my exs and friends and everyone i know has. I will never know what its like to have a childhood or a birthday party, I will never know what its to have someone to run to and save me. I will never know what its like to be happy in my own body. i will never know what its like to not have to constantly work two jobs to just try to survive from all the debt and mess that my exs have all left me with when they all take off for fancier lives and richer people. I will never know what its like to have a family or even just a mom. I will never have anything. 

so while everyone else gets to gone on grand adventures and go to concerts and travel the world and have friends and go to clubs and go on dates and transition and have family they can visit and people who love them. while everyone else gets to fall apart sometimes. I will never know not one small faction of what any of that is like. 

that kind of life was never meant for someone like me. that kind of hope was never something i could ever even be allowed to dream of. I am not even a person. I am merely a body for others to use, to take from me what they need or want. money, time, love, sex, hopes and dreams i silently stowed away  knowing i could never have. i am just a thing for people to take everything they want from. and things arent allotted niceties such ad dreams and hope and places to run to. we are just things that exist to be used until we fall apart and are discarded for something better.

i forgot my place in the world for a while there. I have a boyfriend that was kind, even if he isnt in love with me. i have a friend who talks to me more than once every few months via text. i have my dogs and cats that let me cry on them when everyone else is asleep. i for the last few weeks have stupidly forgotten my place in the world and though that maybe, just maybe the univers was going to let me have a good thing. even if it was for long that maybe i could have a reason to wake up in the mornings aside from my obligation to my pets. I thought maybe i was finally going to have a reason to not want to die every minute of my life. 

but thaknfully i got reality checked and i was able to pull my head out of someone elses cloud, some one elses daydream. Thankfully i was reminded before i fell too deep into another persons heaven that things like day dreams and hope and love and friendship and kindness just arent meant for things like me. those are meant for people, not for me. I am just a thing to be used. I am not a person, never have been and never will be. 

For a moment last night i thought, what a dangerous thing it is to have no hope, to have nothing to believe in. what a dangerous thing that would be. if you have nothing than you have nothing to lose and nothing to keep you from running away and just cracking up and finally going mental and killing everyone you can in the world.. but then my dog woke up and shifted around and i was reminded that even though i have no hope, no dreams, nothing to keep me breathing for, I still have five little furry lives i am obligated to and responsible for. fucking exs always running away and leaving behind their responsibilities and pets for me to have to care for and give good lives to.

but my pets are all getting old now and ive bide my time this last almost decade and as much as i will miss their kindness and love, its only a matter of time before they all die and i will have nothing left to keep me here breathing for. it only a matter of time before i can end it all and have nothing left to stay around and suffer for. its only a matter of time before my tired, broken, used up body can finally have some peace.

im not even angry, im just grateful that i didnt forget my place for too long. because i think in all honesty i was wrong last night. not having hope isnt the most dangerous thing, having hope is. 

[alsklingwille]

skam fic rec masterpost

here’s a huge fic rec list of some fics that i have read and am currently reading and im in love with

big thanks to fic writers! yall are amazing and so important to the fandom <3

(ps i’m so sorry i had to shorten up the summaries on some of them so it wouldnt be too long!!)

(pps i update this very frequently as i read so feel free to come back from time to time to look for any new fics!)

make sure you read the trigger warnings for some fics as they can get angsty! 

okay here we go :) happy reading <3

______________________________________________________________

finished works

whose world is this (1k) - withoutwords

It’s the same Isak who does his own laundry, and cooks his own dinner, and calls his dad for money. But now he kisses boys.

love me harder (1k) - tech_ftw

In which accidentally being added to a group text has unexpected consequences. Like falling in love.

puppy love (1k) - radiantarrow 

Even and Isak move in together, talk about adopting a puppy, and are in love.

tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow (2k) - withoutwords

The walk back to school is long. Strangers and students and friends all staring, like he has it printed big and bold across his forehead. Homo. Home Wrecker. Loser.

sweet (2k) - lisforlove

Isak is drunk and needy.

comacrescendo (2k) - stormboxx

His ears are ringing. Feels the taste of blood in his mouth. There’s hatred in his thoughts, and a nuclear bomb in his chest.

you're intertwining your soul with somebody else (2k)- cosetties 

Isak's roommate is probably homophobic, or whatever, but that doesn't stop his crush from forming.

(Not so) Public Displays of Affection (2k) - radiantarrow 

Five times Isak was comfortable with PDA around his friends, and the one time he was comfortable with it in public.

Ring On It (2k) - TotallyTinkerbell 

Isak's room is the biggest mystery of the kollektiv, and only the guys that Isak hooks up with from time to time, get to see it. Needless to say, Even is jealous.

hearts don’t break around here (3k) - LostInAdmiration

Eskild’s POV of Isak and Even’s relationship. 

love and other stories (3k) - littlemovie

Isak accidentally falls in love over Snapchat and he doesn’t regret it.

i can’t handle no liquor (3k) -  boxesofflowers, Eeyoreneedsahug

Isak trying to stay sober with Even goes wrong. Even is a caring and supportive boyfriend.

Would You Mind Closing The Bedroom Door? (3k) - allyasavedtheday 

The boy falters in the threshold, eyes widening when they land on Even. “Oh fuck- sorry! Eva didn’t say anyone was home.” Ah. No wonder she was up late last night. Even can’t really fault her taste – the boy is beautiful.

and now my heart is ready (3k) - verlore_poplap 

Isak's only eighteen, Even proposes a lot, everybody cries and - surprisingly - no one makes a joke about Isak being a teenage bride.

lazy saturdays and eskimo kisses (4k) - givemesumaurgravy

Even spends the weekend with Isak being cute and getting up to some shenanigans. 

baby, look what you've done to me (5k) - aestheticzjm 

The one in which even is a penetrator and isak really isn't impressed. (Part 1 of series)

I get by (with a little help from my friends) (5k) - diamondjacket

Four times Isak’s friends were way too invested in his sex life, and one time they regretted it.

effortless (5k) - BraveKate

pov of even’s new director’s assistant (set in the future)

strange encounters (6k) - midnightsurge

Isak and Even are students at the University of Oslo. They meet under strange circumstances and it’s all Eskild’s fault.

Serve You Long (6k) - eiqhties 

Sana would be the first to admit that recently it’s all been starting to get to her. It’s how she ended up visiting Isak and Even in their new flat in the first place; finally giving in to Isak’s increasingly desperate pleas for her to revise with him.

Inbox: (1) New Email (6k) - eiqhties 

A story about falling back in love, one tweet, instagram post and email at a time

if i could i would feel nothing (7k) - prettylies

When Chris hooks up with another girl at a party, Isak gets even. Literally. He sleeps with Chris’ sworn enemy, Even.

wrong number (7k) - IsakEven

Isak wants to text Jonas but he accidentally texts Even.

loving isak (7k) -  Tintinnabulation_of_the_Bells

Five of the people who grow to love Isak Valtersen, and one who’s loved him all along.

that’s one way to come out (8k) -  Bellakitse

Isak is upset about the rumors surrounding his sexuality, courtesy of Emma, so the boys take him to a Bakka party. Isak meets Even in the kitchen.

true or false (9k) - iriswests

7 moments between Isak and Even, ranging from the ages of four and six to the ages of seventeen and nineteen, respectively. (childhood best friends AU)

possibly (maybe) i’m falling for you (10K) - boxesofflowers, Eeyoreneedsahug, safficwriter

Even tries to get Isak to smile with coffee. Every time he buys Isak coffee, he becomes more determined to find the perfect drink (and falls in love along the way).

don’t you keep it all to yourself (10k) - colazitron

An AU in which Even didn’t need to repeat his last year and instead started working at the coffeeshop Isak passes on his way to school every morning.

Something Borrowed, Something Blue (10k)- BluebeardsWife 

Fake dating AU, you know the drill. Even hires Isak to pretend to be his boyfriend at his ex’s wedding.

those flowers on your head (11k) - whitehall

the one where Isak Valtersen is the first known male veela and Even’s already doomed from the start

you're the shit and i'm knee-deep in it (11k) - cosetties 

After Even has already rejected him once, after Isak is aware of Even's reputation for meaningless one-night stands, the last thing Isak should be doing is sleeping with the guy. But it keeps happening, and there's no way Isak is getting out of this with his heart intact.

ground me (13k) -  Bellakitse

Isak gets a job at a cafe and meets a barista who’s beauty blows Isak away. (coffeeshop AU)

love is what it takes to live (14k) - sargentblue *mpreg*

isak and even's journey through pregnancy

get rid of her (14k) - cuteandtwisted

Even still transfers to Nissen in his third year, but Isak and Even get introduced through their parents. (friends to lovers AU)

Membership Dues (15k) - Sabeley 

Isak is pledging Even's fraternity. Even keeps having to be reminded that he's not allowed to date the pledges. "It's a ten-week pledge period. How hard could it be?" Famous last words.

Never Have I Ever (15k) - Sabeley 

The one where Isak and Even are roommates who make out on occasion (in a completely platonic way, of course).

take my hand, take my whole life too (16k) - moonlightss 

Isak needs another drink or two but his way into the kitchen is blocked by two people. He's about to squeeze through between them when he hears his name in the conversation. He knows the voice. "Isak Valtersen?" Even snorts, shaking his head. "He's the most arrogant asshole I've ever met." Isak holds his head up raising his eyebrows, then he taps on Even's shoulder. "Excuse me," he forces a smile when Even looks at him, "This arrogant asshole would like to get another drink." Even clenches his jaw and steps away, letting Isak through.

sideways and slantways (17k) - iriswests

Isak gets stuck in an elevator with the one person he’s vowed never to speak to again. 

would it be a sin if i can’t help falling in love with you? (18k) - cosetties

isak uses even as an excuse to not date emma (fake relationship AU)

will you share your soul with me? (18k) - hippopotamus 

There’s a school camping trip at the beginning of Isak’s second year. He’s not sure why he agrees to go, especially when he remembers how difficult it is for him to sleep anywhere that isn’t his own bed. It turns out he’s not the only insomniac on the trip.

poppin’ pills is all we know (19k) - tomlinsoln

au in which Even comes into the bathroom instead of Emma

shut your whore mouth, even. this is not the fault in our stars (20k) - Masterless

even gets sick and shares a room with isak in the hospital

Let Me In (20k) - milk_o_vich

“What are you doing here?” Isak asked, unable to keep the anger out of his voice. Even pressed his lips together, then said, voice hoarse and quiet, “Can I stay here tonight?”

la ritournelle (21k) - franca

Isak and Even are exes. A funeral brings them back together.

making shades of purple (22k) - rumpelsnorcack

His whole life, Isak had known his soulmark was different to those around him.

something sweet (to mend your heart) (22k) - cuteandtwisted 

In which Isak becomes jaded after he gets cheated on and copes using sarcasm and humor. He's determined to end the school year without drama and avoids his ex and all his awful friends at all costs. Well, all of them except maybe half-decent Even Bech Næsheim, who's somehow determined to earn his friendship and fix his heart.

I wanna hold you like you're mine (24k) - giraffingallday

Isak is often nervous and just trying to get through his required semester of Theatre. Emma makes it a little harder until Even comes along and makes it too easy. He might fall in love somewhere along the way. (Fake Relationship AU)

Cabins, Coziness and Conspiracies (24k) - evakuality 

Even. Fucking gorgeous, beautiful, amazing Even. The guy Isak may have had the smallest crush on ever since they met. That’s the guy Isak has to sit in a car with for hours on the way to the cabins they’ve hired for the ski trip. aka, the one where Isak and Even have to share a bed, their friends are strangely obsessed with their lives and things are not exactly as they might appear.

Alright, hold on (24k) - nofeartina

It starts with friendship, and they never meant to add sex to that. It just sort of... happened. or 5 times Isak and Even accidentally have sex and 1 time it isn’t so accidental

you say good morning when it’s midnight (25k)  - Aceteroid

It sucks, when your best friend is on a student exchange at the other end of the world for three months. It sucks even more, when you fall in love with the step-brother of his exchange student.

Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking (25k) - staylucky *Major Character Death*

The Afterlife is not what Isak Valtersen was expecting. He didn’t think he’d die at 18 years old in the first place. Thank Goodness for Jonas, who takes Isak under his (literal) wing, but most of all for fellow spirit and member of ‘Limbo Land’ Even Bech Naesheim, a beautiful boy with a past of his own. 

Is this a lasting treasure? Or just a moment’s pleasure? (25k) - Amfelia 

Isak hooks up with a stranger at a party, but runs away before he learns their name or gets a number. He is not out yet, and is nervous about anyone finding out.

wake up! (26k) - cuteandtwisted

Even can’t stop having dreams about this strange boy. He’s never seen him before. But why does it feel like he’s the only person that ever mattered? 

i guess that's destiny doing it right (26k) - allyasavedtheday

Even originally went to Nissen and became friends with Isak and Jonas, but moved away after his episode at the end of first year, only for Isak to never hear from him again. Fastforward to the summer before Isak starts college when he’s travelling  and bumps into a certain someone in Barcelona.

The Afternoon (27k) - MannaMarianna 

Even is forty and married with kids when he gets invited to Magnus' wedding. The joyful meeting of old friends quickly turns into something else, something that threatens to turn his life, and many others', upside down. Growing up doesn't always make people better at relationships; they are always messy.

Doctor Patient Confidentiality (30k)- skambition 

AU where Isak is a doctor and Even comes into the hospital after getting hit by a car.

scene three, take two  (31k) - folerdetdufoler

Isak is 23, a student in the veterinary program at NMBU, and working an internship at a clinic in Kongsvinger. He hasn’t seen Even in three years, but randomly bumps into him on the street when he’s visiting his mom in Oslo.

in better light, everything changes (31k) - TimeInABottle

Isak accidentally texts a stranger (Even) while trying to text Sana.

cut us out in little stars (33k) - allyasavedtheday

An Isak and Even, Romeo and Juliet au

i’m not a baby (33k) - cuteandtwisted

Isak and Even are childhood friends.

love and condoms  (34k) - kassie

Isak owes Eskild a favor and Eskild sends him out to buy condoms where he runs into a tall boy who is a little too eager to help him.

it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right (34k) - mmxii 

Even suddenly stops and just looks at him for a few seconds. Then he says it. “You’re my best friend, you know. Always have been, always will be.” (childhood best friends AU)

Cathedrals of Light, Salt and Snow (35k) - shoulderbone (lavenderforluck) 

What he wants to say, and cannot bring himself to admit: Before you there was no real me. Only a person pretending to be. Or, alternatively: Isak comes back to face death, and in the meantime, finds rebirth. (Part 1 of series)

Guru Knows Best (36k) - StMisery

Even moves into the apartment across the hall, and Isak's just trying to make it another day without dying of embarrassment.

i would like to get to know you baby (39k) - ourlovelybones 

Isak wakes up to ten texts from Eskild and three missed calls from his manager. He's almost worried someone has died until the screenshot comes in. Even Bech Næsheim had tweeted about him. (!AU in which Even is an internationally famous singer and Isak is an up and coming model he finds on twitter)

i’m not in love (41k) - cuteandtwisted

Even never transferred to Nissen in his third year, so they meet in college instead.  (Uni AU)

What Death Doesn't Touch (41k) - smokeshop

Halfway through Even's third year, he's diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When Isak is 16, Eskild finds him too late outside the bar. They meet in a psychiatric hospital and grow in ways they'd never intended, and decide early on that they don't have to take it all so seriously.

Lost In Reality (42k)- hippopotamus

Penetrator!Even AU where Isak gets involved with Even in his first year, before Even mysteriously disappears.

Built from the Ashes (43k) - Sabeley 

Even and Jonas are roommates who get along a little too well and Isak is not the least bit jealous about it at all (Except he totally is).

and the whole world is empty (45k) - dreamer_of_dreams

The conversations were always stilted and quiet and benignly untrue. The phone calls eventually petered out. So, Even did what he thought was right for Isak. On an ordinary Thursday, eating dinner next to each other on the couch, Even looked up from his bowl of noodles, glanced at the clock ticking 9.21 pm and said, “I think we should break up.”

an equal and opposite reaction (46k) - junkshopdisco 

Meeting each other’s parents doesn’t go well. It doesn’t go badly, either. It just sort of… goes.

Things Look Different in the Morning (46k) - allyasavedtheday

In which Even needs a place to stay, kollektivet gains a new roommate, and Isak just really wants to sleep.

right click > save as (47k) - kittpurrson

Isak, a fic writer in the Minute by Minute fandom, had the world's biggest crush on the fandom's biggest name.

I Have Held You in My Heart (47k) - photographer_of_thoughts

“If one of us finds a proper girlfriend or boyfriend, we stop doing this, okay?” Even had said after the first time it happened, Isak freshly seventeen and lying on Even’s chest. Friends-With-Benefits University AU in which Even makes rules and Isak follows them. They sleep together sometimes - a lot of times - and Isak knows how in love he is. But then Even gets a girlfriend, and everything changes.

such a beautiful mess (48k) - skambition 

Isak works at Kaffebrenneriet to save up some money for a trip with his friends. Normally, working there is chill. Until Isak starts to work together with Even, an arrogant hipster with horrible taste in music, that keeps using the phrase 'sex hair' and is not only judgemental and stupid, but also so hot that Isak sometimes can't breathe around him. Isak hates him. Until he doesn't.

the comments below (48k) - DickAnderton

Isak is a notoriously lazy gamer living with lgbt icon Eskild. They invite youtube sensation Even Bech Naesheim over for a collaboration. (youtube AU)

On call (49k) - MinilocIsland 

Isak knows what he's meant to do in life - surgery. And he can't wait to show everyone that he's good at it. That is, if he'll ever get a goddamn chance. Not getting hindered by ridiculous, charming guys whose main advantage in the operating room simply is the length of their legs. (Hospital AU)

stay a minute (50k) - grinsekaetzchen

In which there is a tumblr fandom that is dying every time new information for 'Romeo and Juliet' drops, Even is a beloved director and Isak - well, Isak would just really appreciate it if his mind would stop surprising him with memories at the worst moments possible.

as i let you in (51k) -  nofeartina

Lord Isak Valtersen becomes a prince-consort. Or the one where Even is a prince and they enter into an arranged marriage in ye olden days.

waiting outside ('til you're ready to go) (52k) - miucrew

An AU where Isak's daughter is an actual little devil that he can't control for the life of him, and his neighbour Even offers a helping hand.

God Only Knows (What I'd Do Without You) (52k) - sundaymournin 

The break up that would never really happen, but imagine if it did. If Even moved to Trondheim for Uni and returned a little over two years later. Imagine what Isak would do, who he would be, and what could've happened but definitely never would've.

Masquerade (53k) - Sabeley 

Isak and Even were best friends before one botched mission tore them apart. When they are assigned to go undercover as newlyweds at an oceanside resort where couples are going missing, can they put their differences aside for long enough to solve the case? And can they fix what’s broken between them before it’s too late?

Don't Fuss Over Me (53k) - everything_else

Isak stood in the bedroom he shared with his boyfriend and looked in the mirror. He was wearing a grey top and dark jeans that hung down off his skinny frame. He wanted to wear a snapback but he knew Halvor wouldn’t let him and he would be home any minute. He looked sullen and he knew that would have to change before it got him into trouble. The door opened and Halvor shouted “Isak, I’ve got the drinks. Let’s go.” Isak took one final look in the mirror, this time trying to smile, and then walked out of the bedroom.

we've made it this far, kid  (56k) - everythingislove (narrylife) 

Isak is just trying to raise his nephew as best he can with the help of his best friends. He doesn't expect to fall for Felix's gorgeous football coach along the way.

Lost Boys (Not Ready To Be Found) (57k)- kittpurrson

Even is a disillusioned media studies student who wishes he hadn’t screwed up his film school applications. Isak is a prickly bioscience student who figured leaving his mother’s house for UiO would magically fix all of his problems.

Blanket Fort Gospel (58k) - Sabeley 

Isak Valtersen met the love of his life when he was eleven years old. It was a truth he had long tried to deny, but it was the truth nevertheless.

that’s not my name (61k) - cuteandtwisted

Isak is an exchange student in new york city where he meets a very forward and bewitching Even. (one night stand AU)

Vivid in Black and White (62k) - Fxckxxp 

In a Hei Briskeby video prank taken too far, Isak meets Even for the first time down on one knee—asking for his hand in marriage.

headed straight for the castle  (62k) - boxesofflowers, Eeyoreneedsahug, safficwriter

Isak is the heir to the throne of one of the most powerful nations in the world, but he would rather be anyone else. After sneaking out one night, he meets a college student that makes him smile for what feels like the first time.

lover of my impossible soul (66k) - shoulderbone (lavenderforluck)

We don't often reveal ourselves, when we don't actually know what there is to reveal yet. Or, alternatively: Isak returns to Oslo, and most importantly, to Even. (Part 2 of series)

how in my silence i adored you (66k) - dahlstrom

In a parallel universe, the rest of the boy squad actually shows up at the first kosegruppa meeting and Isak stays for the love games. Thus, his first interaction with Even is quite different.

light up the dark (68k) - argentae 

Probably the only reason Isak knows Even Bech Næsheim’s name is because Magnus and Vilde and the rest of the world will not shut up about him. But, in the privacy of his own bedroom, there’s no reason to deny that he has a really nice face to look at and that the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles does something funny to Isak’s stomach for a moment. (famous! even AU)

Home Is Wherever I'm With You (75k) - cuteandtwisted 

Isak and Even keep meeting in hostels around the world and parting with a kiss or two.

Expect the Unexpected (80k) - bri_ness

In which Snakesak plays Big Brother.

the weight of us (81k)  -  verlore_poplap

Isak finally takes the plunge towards what’s seemed like an inevitability for almost ten years. Of course that’s when some guy comes along and ruins everything. (Set in the future).

Half Blade and Half Silk (85k) - smokeshop

Isak's friends introduce him to an art student at a college party. He won't stop calling Isak baby and Isak's bad at pretending to hate it. (College AU where Isak's past is a little more colorful but Even still won't leave him alone.)

Knock Four Times (92k) - folerdetdufoler

Isak is a senior in college, studying at a university in America. He’s ready to graduate and head back to Oslo, to his city, his family, and his boyfriend. But then, Even moves into his building.

my heart is strong  (93k) - photographer_of_thoughts

Isak and Even meet in a doctor’s office waiting room

Harvest Moon (93k) - shoulderbone (lavenderforluck)

He goes to the altar and kneels, expecting to find her face carved in the wood there. Except there are no altars. No God either, or angels, or saints. Or, alternatively: Berlin, those dwindling summer days, and Isak's week of reckoning. (part 3 of series)

something more (94k) - milk_o_vich *includes chrisak in addition to evak*

AU where Even never transferred to Nissen. Isak is in his third year now and is friends with benefits with Chris, who is in Uni. Chris gets a new roommate.

that’s all i really know (94k) - cammm

Even and Isak have been dating for a while now, except Isak goes to Nissen and Even lives a few hours away. But what happens when Even says he moving, and then he shows up at Nissen a few weeks later? Only thing... Isak isn’t out, yet. And Even wasn’t ever told that his boyfriend was still in the closet.

The 49%. (97k) - GirlInTheWardrobe *trigger warnings*

Flat. Third Year. Even. That was the life of Isak Valtersen, that was until it wasn't anymore when he and Even unexpectedly broke up. Isak soon found himself the centre of someone else's desires...someone who is not who they seem.

Therefore I Am (98k) - smokeshop

The one thing Isak wants is to move on from his high school mistakes. Even spends his time pining after a boy who will never like him back. The last thing either of them expect is to wind up in bed together, but that's exactly what happens.

Blood vs. Water (100k) - bri_ness

In which Snakesak plays Survivor.

Old Money (100k) - twentyonetwentyone *major trigger warnings*

After a series of hardships and childhood trauma, Isak Valtersen is forced into the gruelling world of street prostitution, a nightmare in which he feels completely alone. Even Bech Næsheim is the bored adolescent heir to a billion dollar empire, living in a penthouse and listlessly spending his parents money in attempts to ease the existential despair. (Pretty Woman AU)

You Don’t Even Know Me! (101k) - cuteandtwisted

The one in which Isak and Even are interns who got off the wrong foot and don’t like each other at all (except that they do). (HateToLoveAU)

Next to you, is where I call home (101k) - LostInAdmiration 

“Why don’t you start track too? You’d be a good sprinter, I’m sure you’d do great,” suggested Isak. Isak wasn’t entirely sure why he asked - he mostly liked being alone and he barely knew Even - but there was just something about Even that had drawn Isak to him. (childhood bffs AU)

The Notion of Falling (106k) - smokeshop

Isak hates Even and Even hates Isak and Sana is the only one who knows why

Now that you're gone (110k) - skambition

Even and Isak try to deal with having a long-distance relationship.

untold scenes of isak and his even (111k) - imissedyourskin

A collection of untold Evak scenes.

sleep is for dreamers  (115k) - unfancyandy

Isak’s always had a complicated relationship with sleep.

Checking From Behind (116k) - DickAnderton 

Isak is to captain his hockey team this season which means he has to somehow learn to cooperate with the newest addition to their team: Even Bech Næsheim. This proofs to be impossible, especially when nothing about Even's mysterious transfer adds up and his moods are just too frustrating.

with love, from anonymous (136k) - cosetties, iriswests

Isak just wants to get his coffee in peace, Even has a crush, and there’s a secret admirer on the loose.

When you're near to me (138k) - skambition

A story about Isak and Even and their beautiful future together.

Never let me go (151k) - hannakin *age difference*

A stranger to lovers fic with uni-student Isak and older Even. (Parent!Even)

Mondays at Sixteen (162k) - folerdetdufoler

Isak hasn't been doing it for too long, but he's been watching for a while and has a nice set-up. He finally moved out, into a small apartment of his own in the city, and earned enough money from his shows to invest in an external video camera. He's learned his angles and taped up the floor to mark where he could walk without revealing his face in frame. Three nights a week he logs on to the cam site and reveals his life to whoever wants to watch. On Fridays he's usually nude. Technically, this is how Isak and Even met.

Family Ties (215k) - sadgrlsclub

Set between Season 3 and 4. Even gets invited to his first Valtersen family event, and discovers things about Isak's past and his relationship with his parents. The story of how Even and Isak get to know each other's families and deepen their bond along the way.

Cleansing my Soul (217k) - imissedyourskin

Even fights for equal rights and is openly bisexual. Isak is a quiet admirer unsure of his sexuality. But there is always more than meets the eye... Who is Even beneath his popular appearance? And what is the whole deal with Even's 'secret club'?

works in progress

take me to the stars - iriswests *HIATUS*

Isak thinks Even is pretentious and impractical. Even thinks Isak is arrogant and uptight. They’re not each other’s biggest fans, even if they do happen to have spectacular sex on a very, very drunken night. And Isak doesn’t mean to do it again, but he does, anyway. (friends/enemies with benefits AU)

torches (life's too short) - xxLeviBech *major trigger warnings*/*HIATUS*

AU in which Isak's childhood is exponentially more severe -- and that's how he wound up here, talking about his experiences with other kids diagnosed with some kind of PTSD. It's also where meets a guy whose name starts with the same letters as everything, because that's... exactly what he is. 

I Would Do It Again - cuteandtwisted *HIATUS*

Even gets caught up in a dare, and Isak loses a little bit of himself in the process. (Dare! AU)

Crash Into Me - endlessandinfinite *major trigger warnings*/*HIATUS*

Isak and Even have hella issues but they can't help falling in love no matter what universe they're in. Even saves Isak. And Isak saves him right back. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. It hurts. But it's love. 

latching onto you - Behindthecities *HIATUS*

In which model!Isak and director!Even get caught drunkenly making out with each other by the paparazzi at the club and the only solution to it is to pretend to be each other’s boyfriends. (Fake boyfriends AU)

A Million Mistakes - BreeTaylor 

Isak gets invited to a pregame by Even Bech Næsheim. Which would be fine, if the guy didn't have a reputation for being a bit of an ass. It's only with Jonas' nagging and promises to accompany him that Isak agrees to go, only to find out that Even might not be who Isak thought he was.

a careful hypothesis of the heart - StMisery 

Isak and Even don't start out on the best of terms. Isak had been waiting nearly a year for the position of researcher to open up again. If he got it, he'd be working his dream job within one of the best biotechnology companies in the world. He applied for the position, heart in his throat, only to be passed over for the new recruit. When he discovered the new hire was also the son of the CEO, well, that was an unforgivable offense. 

Nobody Loves Me Like You - cuteandtwisted 

Isak and Even are childhood friends who enjoy ruining each other's chances with exactly everyone else, rewatching the same movies, taking care of each other, and pretending they're not in love. 

Burning For Your Touch - cuteandtwisted 

Isak's skin burns anyone that comes into contact with it and therefore cannot be touched. Closed off, angry, and extremely cunning, Isak transfers to Bakka and scares everyone away with his condition. Everyone but Even who—despite knowing it will burn—touches Isak like they'll both die without it. 

just add water - hippopotamus

Mostly, he's just alone. He hasn't spoken to any of his old friends in - how long has it been, now? A year? Two? And he doesn't mind it. He settles easily into the silence, into the routine of every day life. Sometimes, though - sometimes, he's lonely.

[casixtonpetsites]

im makin a lil present for somebody + im RLY RLY HAPPY with how its turning out but i dont wanna ruin all the surprise so. heres this.

(info abt my schedule recently to explain my severe absence below the cut)

i work two jobs and go to school and quite frankly im exhausted and i know i keep saying this and sometimes it changes and sometimes it doesnt but this is the first time ive gotten to draw in nearly two weeks and thats rly rly unhappymaking. ive been pulling like 25-35 hours at one job, 12-18 at the other, (the past three weeks have been the heavy end of the latter) and then school on tuesdays and thursdays for 3 hours basically, and the past week and a half ive been sick. i mean im pretty much over it now, just stuffy nose, but that was Hell because i had to work doubles open to close (open at a coffee shop for me is 8am, closing at a theatre is midnight at the earliest, do the math for sleep, yeah?? roughly 6 hours PLUS being sick to the point i shouldnt have been serving coffee to ppl lmfa o) almost every day bc nobody could cover any of my shifts bc theyre all FUCKING LAZY im still mad whatever ANYWAY

im just. trying to do this for somebody, i havent been able to rly log into aywas, i havent even been big on blogging in general on my main and thats rly easy with the app to just go through when i dont have customers, but like. not recently and i feel dead inside and out, its rly Not Great but im fucking poor so i cant not take the shifts im given. and like, yall dont know this but i live with my mom and i pay for a lot of things already (groceries, internet, both our phones, gas on occasion (i dont drive so i dont have a specific amount of gas money for budgeting), but shes got a job that only pays abt 150 a week (untaxed, so she has to pull out like 60$ of it for taxes later on) so i already have to worry about paying ofr more things like the water electric and heating (thankfully no mortgage bc we bought the house outright a few years ago) but like. the lil money my mom makes for working fuckin 8 hours a day is garbage and shes also started drinking again (i wouldnt say recovering alcoholic bc she never rly recovered and shes a pretty high functioning alcoholic,, but not recently,,,) so the money she DOES get to keep goes to eating out, and buying things she rly cant afford (cigarettes, alcohol, weed, etc.,) and im left struggling to make sure we have enough money to pay for everything........ and honestly I Cant Do This bc im like 5 yrs old i can barely handle not crying when a bug lands near me?? so im just constantly stressed and im sorry if ive just. stopped tlaking to anybody and everybody and ignoring ppl and not doing things but i literally a) do not have the time b) do not have the stress control and c) have the energy to even do anything and im sorry for that but life is hard and my 21st birthday is next month and im terrified to spend it near my home bc my momll use it as an excuse to go out to the bar or something sklhfkhegh

and honestly if im already saying all this garbage homelife stuff im still rly annoyed bc my ex boyfriend who broke up w/ me in november is STILL LIVING AT MY HOUSE and hes not contributing anything other than being my moms drug supplier basically?? originally he helped with fixing house things like redrywalling my moms room and painting my room and retiling my room and partially retiling the dining room, but he hasnt done anything in MONTHS and hes contributed NOTHING and hes not even TRYING to find somewhere else to live, after he said hed be gone by the end of january, and im rly frustrated bc im poor and hes poor and wont give me anything and he owes me 150$ that hes forgotten abt and i dont know how to bring that up properly?? as well as ITS BEEN FOUR MONTHS SINCE HE BROKE UP WITH ME PLEASE LEAVE MY LIFE STOP SITTING HERE AND STRESSING ME OUT MORE ugh but at least he has an adorable dog and i love her

also if u read this far im sorry im also just kinda. venting onto this blog by accident but w/e its under a cut (sorry to folks on mobile? i dont know if the cut works on mobile all the time) SCREAMS i have to work in a half hour ugh,, at least i got to sleep in a lil and draw a lil i guess

[atasteofchocolates]

Stressed

28/06/2020

I can always tell I’m stressed based on how my body is functioning. I can feel my muscles are tense all the time, I am losing more hair in the shower then normal, my scalp is red, dry and flaky and i get red patches of dry skin on my arms. 

I have a lot happening for me, that could be good, but means taking big steps. 

Currently, I am doing a trial for Nivo digital but i don’t think i am doing well. I have finished my first week and begin the second tomorrow. But last week i almost ended up in tears twice! I just don’t know what i am doing, i am doing it all from home due to the pandemic. I don’t feel very supported, things are stated very clearly and I often misunderstand and write about or do something that wasn’t what was asked. I am trying my absolute hardest. I am trying to learn as much as i can. I have written 10 pages of my notebook last week alone for research i have done for blogs. I am teaching my self what i have to write about before i write a blog post all about it. I am worried i am taking too long as it can take me a couple of hour to write a blog post. However, I am completely new. I don’t know what the words mean, I dont know how they are used. I have to research the content, teach myself, write the blog, go back research some more to find more content to add before adding it to the website, editing, highlighting key words linking to outside articles and adding a hero (image). It’s a lot. I have had a few bits of bad feedback and i don’t think i’ve had any good feedback so... I don’t know. Thing is, i don’t know that if i get this job if i will even want it. Dad says it sounds like they want someone who knows what they are doing but wants to pay them apprenticeship wage. He says it sounds unstructured, and without much guidance and he is right. I don’t know that if i am offered the role, if i will get any more support or if i will continue to feel anxious about starting the day and breaking down from lack of guidance. However, because of the pandemic, this job would mean being able to work from home, i can wear comfy clothes, i can eat when i want, if i feel unwell or anxious i can sit in bed and work or on the sofa. No trains early in the morning. (For now). Normal hours, normal days. Normal holidays and weekends off, like everyone meaning no fomo. 

Then there is the second job. I haven’t been given an offer for it yet, i might not get one. But I am 70/30 on weather i want that one too. It is basically a nursing assistant role, i will probs be working in Weston hospital. It is just over £18,000 a year which is a lot however i guess not for a full time job. I can go into the apprenticeship program while with them studying nursing and mental health. It sounds interesting however the job to begin with will be mundane, doing laundry, tea coffee, helping where i can and where i am needed. The only worries and problems i have with this role is the night shift. I will be doing a mixture of early shifts, late shifts and night shifts. Sleep is so important to me as an anxiety sufferer. If i don’t sleep i am a mess. So i don’t know how i will handle it. I will also  be working some weekends, bank holidays and Christmas. I know a lot of people don’t care about that but i suffer greatly with fomo. If mum sees sam or mark or nan etc, and i have to work, i hate it because i know i have missed out on seeing them too. Christmas is always a big deal for me, bigger then my birthday so i hate the idea of having to work it. In reality, this job gives me the money to have a car, meaning i could easily go to see mark and nan and sam lives round the corner. And christmas hasn’t been the same the past few years. We don’t seem to spend it all together anymore. It is scattered. People coming round at different times instead of all together all day like it used to be. The build up to christmas is a bigger deal then the day itself now i guess. Plus it is likely that winter this year will be spent in another lockdown so i might not be missing out anyway. This job would allow me to support myself meaning, if mum kicked off, and i was ready, i could move out. I will be able to save for big things and could possibly end the year with a job and a car, ticking the two dreams i had for this year. 

I have just started to take anti-depressants as of tonight. I am taking half a tablet this week and next week then doing the full dose. It is meant to make you feel worse for the first week or two while it goes into your system. I’m doing it because my therapist said to and because I am done feeling anxious all the time. Its not the bad vomiting kind, but the always there kind. I am hoping it will help and if i do get the mental health job and im having to be in a hospital and doing early and late shifts, i am hoping it will keep the vomiting at bay. When august 16th comes around, if i have the funds i will contact grace and begin long term therapy to get me off them.

Then there is Bobby. He let out a big secret yesterday and i am not sure how i feel about it if im honest. I’ve acted cool but i’m not sure. Since sandpoint, when we are together it feels natural. We have gone on rode trips to lyme regis, and yesterday went to this place called hamhill. We sing in the car together, he continues to be a gentlemen. I feel safe around him, he is a great hugger. He is confident and polite. But when we’d watch a film or a tv show and a girl had her boobs out or in a bikini, he would whistle, or comment on it. I have since told him it makes me uncomfortable, i wouldnt like being in a relationship with someone who makes it obvious he is intrigued by another women. He has apologized so many times and told me be doesn’t care for boobs, he is more of a bum... and feet guy? Like, feet? Really? I don’t understand it. I know it is common. But i personally hate feet and keep mine covered at all times. I don’t want to change him. But i also don’t know if i can handle this feet thing. We are taking things slow anyway, but this could be a deal breaker if i’m honest. 

This is a very long blog post. I will update on how the anti depressants go, if i get one, both or none of the jobs and if things progress with bobby. 

[happylight-dolly-blog]

Review from Customer

Fraction of the price but just as effective, why not?

We in the 'civilized' world tend to spend more time sitting at the desk with a laptop rather than getting sunlight outdoors. Furthermore, the weather in the UK ain't any helpful, gloomy most of the time. Often feeling lethargic in the morning and very unproductive in the afternoon, I thought that the SAD might be the solution. Browsing, it seems like the SAD tend to be a little hefty in price, and I found this particular model which is just a fraction of what the premium model's cost. The product is well designed, not fiddly as I thought it might be. Trying it out for a week, I find some improvement in my energy level, no longer waiting for that coffee to activate myself in the morning. Well worth the money I paid.

 I moved to Scotland 4 years ago, and I wish I got this sooner, winter is coming and we get a few hours of light, by the time I get home from work it is entirely dark, and my room has the ambiance of 18th century Rome. I sometimes work from home and its just a struggle to get going, the lamp has genuinely given me a boost in productivity and overall wellness. Although we are just in the fall at the moment, there is definitely a change in my mood, I expect it to make a huge difference in winter. Oh and I've also started using it as a back up light for photography, I actually took the photos with my slr, two birds, one stone.

 My GP suggested that I buy a lightbox as I had noticed that, as a depression sufferer, my mental health takes a real nosedive during the darker months whereas the summer is usually fine. I grossly underestimated what a difference this lamp would make. I usually put it on for an hour each night and I feel completely different - I've even dropped my anti depressant dose by a whopping two thirds! I also take vitamin d supplements and the difference genuinely has been incredible. Highly recommended!

 I love this lamp, it has massively helped with uplifting my mood.double color :white and blue is very cool for me,lovely and bright but not over powering. replicates natural light well. I use this lamp all the time when I'm feeling low and really helps to lift my mood.if you need,a nice gift for you

  compact SAD light

This unit is a compact SAD light that is easy to carry around. It could easily be taken to work to sit on a desk during the week and propped on a chair arm at home on a weekend. The light emitted is very bright and feels brighter than day light and it seems to do the job it is intended for. Very highly recommended. MORE THAN MET MY EXPECTATIONS!! USE IT EVERY MORNING FOR HALF AN HOUR, HAS MADE SO MUCH DIFFERENCE WOULDNT BE WITHOUT IT. LONG SUFFERER OF S.A.D

 I read about this lights a lot but never got one thinking I will stay outside longer. But this year I decided to get one to light up above my desk. And have to say I can see it has a positive effect on me, as usually in this time of the year I'm more grumpy. (Also i must mention that I'm taking Vit-D supplement) It comes with a little white stand and the power cable with a switch. Tips: - Tighten the black screw on two sides to make sure the stands are stable - Put in an area where you'd get the light but won't see the direct source of the light (just think about when it's a full sunny day)

  therapeutic effects 

When I first switched this device on I thought I had activated the second coming of Jesus. It looked like the pearly gates of heaven had appeared from some sort of portal in my living room. This thing is so bright it makes the sun look like a council street light. Although I haven’t used the product enough to know the therapeutic effects in regards to helping with my sad I hope to continue using it as long as my retinas survive that long.

 I have been thinking of getting this SAD light for a while and have purchased it now. Delivery was quick and am glad for that! I opened it as soon as it arrived and started using it. OMG, I love it! It’s easy to use and has different modes. It really changes my mood and more relaxed in front of it. My room is slightly dark and this light helps with that. It’s easy to change the brightness therefore is flexible and do this whenever I want too. Highly recommend it and will help my moods especially in the winter months.

This lamp mimics sunlight it’s very bright so try to use in the day time. It’s hard to explain but when you have it on it makes me feel energised. I’m really happy with it and hope I can beat SAD this year.

I like how, unlike most other sad lights, this one has blue and white light. The stand, which enables you to adjust the position, is also useful. The seller was helpful when I announced that I would be returning the device because it had no protective film and was scratched. I later saw, however, that I was mistaken and that the device had a film and was not scratched. It's just very easy to miss. The one thing it lacks for me, is a rechargeable battery: the device needs to be plugged in. But if you're not planning to rush through your house in the mornings, carrying it from room to room then this shouldn't be a problem.

  rechargeable battery

 Great product, easy to use. Have had it since the weekend and use for 30 mins in the morning whilst I eat breakfast and get ready and a bit in the afternoon. I have felt more awake, more stable and have had much more energy. I usually want to fall asleep by 8pm but have been able to sleep at 10pm and had much better sleep. I usually hate winter - it stresses me out and I really struggle but this has really helped me out. I use it on the highest setting in the morning / day and on the lower settings in the evening. I had a different brand SAD lamp a few years back which was blue light and double the price but it didn’t help; this one however - GAME CHANGER and affordable.

I always looking a SAD light as this one, not big, nice looking, it just looks right on my desk. I just start to use it now,so far feel great.

 Obviously, since the Scottish winter makes me feel depressed and irritable, I searched online and find this kind of lamp called SAD lamp can ease mood and relief tensions, so I got this and using it for whole week, I can't say how much it made me happy but at least it didn't make me as depressed as before, and added a lot of light to the room (my room is on the sunless side). The function is easy and clear to use, my advice is not to look directly at the this lamp, put it in the corner, because it is not to be used as a light, It is a physical therapy of the mind. I need to use it for longer to see if it has any other benefits. Overall I quite like it and good to try.

OK, this is clearly a "Designed and Made in China" product. Still, looks like good quality. Pros: + Good packaging, all included, no scratches + Decent, solid design + Fit for purpose (OK, I'd have to measure the lumens and the claimed 6000K whitepoint to be sure) + White and Blue LEDs - Blue should be in the 470nm wavelength - let's see whether it helps my Gilbert's syndrome (i.e. act as a bili lamp) + Relatively cheap (Phillips models are 2x price-wise) Cons: - Manual is in decent English, but still with spelling mistakes and reads funny - No CE/TUV markings/certifications anywhere - LEDs are stated to last 50,000 hours, yet the manual says they're no covered by warranty (1 year = 8 760 hours) - Quality/life expectancy is TBD

I bought this for my wife who is basically a sun god. She comes from a sunny/beach area and our UK winters she doesn't deal with very well. I had been reading about these for a while and decided to take the plunge on this. She absolutely loves it. Very well made and feels like pure quality(like when you hold an Apple product). I have seen others that are very bulky but this is nice and slim. My wife spends time each morning using it and it really lifts her mood/day

 This light is great to be fair. So bright. And having the white and blue light is brilliant. I’ve been using it for a few days now and it definitely makes a difference. The only reason I’ve given it 4 stars is because the lead for the light is quite short. Would be much better if the lead was twice as long.

 There was a period through October to February where the days were short and the nights so long. I was feeling a lack of energy and started to get depressed. A friend suggested a SAD light and I initially thought the name wasn't appealing - although I would try anything. Come to find out SAD actually stands for Seasonally Affective Disorder, which a remarkable amount of research around it. Researchers saw an increase in mood and energy in those exposed to short periods of certain temperature light. It definitely helped me, and I hope it helps you.

 Before I bought this lamp, I read the instruction carefully, it said sunlight white, I think it should be bright, so when I receive it, I still read the instructions, it said it can change to blue mode or white mode, I was quite excited thinking it was a bonus, but unfortunately it was only one mode, unchagable, but I still need it the most bright mode as a reading lamp for my kids, I am not sure the mood function, but I just bought it in case it might help a little bit, because I think it is sad to do homework, so I just hope they will be happy.

Recieved item quick . Delivery was great by amazon. I was thinking to buy Sad Lamp for a while when one of my friend suggested me, got it now and started using straight away. Great product and easy to use . Different modes and you can adjust the brightness as well . Blue light does help you if u feeling low in mood. Must recommended product. Good quality and resonable price. Does'nt cost much to run because its Led powered.

White beautiful stand.

The lightbox is quite good although the plug into the box does keep coming out. I didn't understand the difference between the two choices so I ordered the wrong one when I would have prefered the adjustable stand. (The stand I got is rather rubbish.) I got in touch with the seller to ask if I could buy one of these stands but did not get a reply. Hence I have deducted a star. Will now have to see if I can get something suitable from Amazon.

 artificial sun light that I am using for about 20-30mins. Because this weather winter I don't get enough sunlight so I bought it to make me feel more alive to start my day.It's not complicated because it was suitable for all ages.

 Just got this in time for the end of daylight savings - have been turning it on in the morning to help me get out of bed. I find it's much easier to get up in the morning. It's really bright and the blue and orange light options are really helpful! Very pleased I got this for the dark winter months!!

 I like this product very much, I am a person who has stayed up for a long time, and often get up late, you know the winter in UK is dark early, So I rarely see the sun in the winter, And it has affected my mood, I often feel sad for no reason, and often lose my temper. Now I'm going to open it up for one hours when I get up, and it's not that hard to get me up.And it's not going to make me feel particularly tired.

 This is my first time trying a SAD Light and I am so impressed with how well it works!! I have a small corner desk in my home office and this light is slender & compact - it fits perfectly. Whenever I'm feeling a little sluggish I turn on my light and I immediately notice a big difference in my focus and energy. It's amazing!! My husband uses it too now :D I plan to buy a few more of these as Christmas or birthdays Gifts for family.

 I’ve suffered with extreme low mood and depression this winter and it was interfering with day to day life. I bought this as I loved th idea of having the daylight and the moonlight. It’s asoku fantastic. The daylight has different settings and the brightest really is bright! I love the blue moonlight too. Will keep using this and see if it makes a lasting difference. Well worth the price!

   Very happy with the adjustable light colour, I do not know the effect for improving mood, but I just quite like the bright light which did not dazzle my eye, the blue colour is quite comfortable as well, I put it on the desk, when the children touch it, it always fall down because of the stand is seperate with the light, I hope the stand is cling on the back of the light.

 I've had misery depression and self loathing every winter I can remember. This after one day had made a huge improvement. I can't believe the difference. 100% Recommend

 Worth a try! I have been using this light in the early evenings at 20 mins for a week and I'm already feeling a difference. It is smart and portable so that you can fit it on table or desk. I am.very happy with it.

 I bought this for my wife, she always seems to suffer when the days get shorter. All seems good so far, I can’t get her to use it every day but we’re getting there. Very easy to set up.

 Packaged well. Switched on quickly looks to be working well. You can switch from White light to Blue easily. You can alter the strength of the light too.

 I am giving this product five stars because after searching the market for a while trying to find a reasonably priced SAD light of good quality I have finally found it. So far it has worked perfectly and the stand it came with is very good, it is essentially just a light and thankfully doesn’t pretend to be anything more. Really pleased with it and definitely recommend to anyone looking for a solution to the lack of sunlight in the winter months

 This is amazing lamp change ur mood feel like sitting in day light. Perfect for my home specially winter time when mood is down thanks amazon with great product and great price.

 this is so good. it really works. i feel happier and have more energy and im also sleeping better. i cant belive it works so well. easy to use. i use if or 30 mins in the morning on the blue light. highly recommended to any one that gets a bit down in the winter months.

 Just a new try,felt dubious about this but decided to give it a try. My husband is not in my city.I always feel depressed when the winter and coldness comes along but I use this lamp every morning . I noticed a difference after a couple of days, I felt much more awake in the morning.I still feel a little down because of the cold and dark nights . Very pleased I got my lamp.

 Because I don't have SAD, I've never thought of using a lightbox. I do have M.E/CFS however and every winter is a struggle. My husband suggested I try one. I can't believe how much more cheerful, focused and energetic I feel. I work from home and have it positioned directly in front of me on my desk, tilted slightly backward so I can still see my large screen connected to my laptop over the top of it. Loving the blue light, and the timer, too!

  If the day is done,the wind has figgaed tired,then draw the veil of darkness thick upon me,much sadness feeling covers me. A fantastic lamp. It's relativy slim in comparison to other SAD lamps so can fit in almost anywhere. It is just as bright and soothing as the I expection. The price is much more cheaper than many other lamps.

 This lamp really help me, as my room's light is not white, it is not easy for me to study. So I am thinking to buy one to my room, and this is bright enough. It can be adjust the level of brightness, blue or white light and the timing.... I used to set 15 mins before my sleep. I need some light to help me sleep and after 15 mins, it off automatically! Very useful!

 Absolutely love this light. Only used it twice but the change in me was interesting I’ve a lot more energy and I’m back in a happy place . I definitely recommend this this SAD Light it does what it says love love love it

 The light unit is fine but the stand and power socket are awful. Wouldn't stand anywhere without wobbling. Power junction sticks out of the side. Needs someone who can design products to look at it and make a basic light a very good light.

so bright with white and blue light. easy to read and use it. It is making me felt a bit of different and comfortable especially during the rainy and cold winter.

 Great quality lamp and good to take it with you if travelling (size of a big tablet). It has helped with my SAD symptoms a bit, but can't make any big claims about feeling super happy all the time. If nothing more, it definitely wakes me up in the morning (especially when I also use a separate dawn light) :) Think it's worth a try

 I use the blue light twice a day for my mother who has Alzheimer’s. Been using it for two weeks now and her sleep has started to improve

 The blue light setting is great Would recommend over cheaper versions You do actually feel calmer when it on Noticed a differnce immediately If you work in an office with no natural day light this is a must

 Recommended by the GP. Light weight, one switch, on, off. Haven't used it long enogh to comment on therapeutic value Worth the money

 I absolutely love my HappyLight! It is the perfect size to bring with me when I travel. It really helps to brighten my mood when I’m feeling a bit down. Love it!

 After struggling, for the last few months, to get up in the morning, I now get out of bed with renewed energy - just like in summer. This is a wonderful lamp. The blue light is like a summer sky.

 A nice experience. This lamp was ideal and definitely picked up my moods in the dark winter night’s, bring me warmer, really bright and did a good job!

 Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,And sorry I could not travel both.And be one traveller, long I stood.And looked down one as far as I could.To where it bent in the undergrowth;The SAD light bring me nice experience,to search blue light world so deeply.Bring me much Emotional ease and state,and more efficient work.

 I was every winter end up feeling worse because of the lack of sunlight. Last week the first signs of depression starting coming in so I decide to have a look at a SAD box. Well I've had it a few days and it is making a difference already. I've felt a lot happier.Here's hoping for a happier winter.

 The SAD light great,it is a surprise when I got it,Makes me feel warmly and relaxed,easy to use at home.the bottom parts make it looks specially and so lovely，really better than some other products.it is brilliant choice.

 The product shows potential, if only the make wasn't this poor. There is a band on the lamp that's black/unlit, and the "stand" is pretty wobbly and unstable.

 I turn my light on when my alarm goes off in the morning. Bit of a shock at first, but that surge of 'natural' light in the morning has slowly started to help me throughout the day

 Recommended to use it,Actually it works good, feel energised in the morning, just try it.

  My wife suffers terribly at this time of year with a significant drop in mood and increased general lethargy. We received the device today, plugged it straight in and within 30 minutes I've NOTICEd the world of difference in her. She advises of higher levels of energy and increased feelings of wellbeing. Im normally skeptical about stuff and thought 'placebo' but seriously.......I myself....I feel uplifted too. As other people have stated regarding other SADs lights - it's hard to explain, but you just feel.....better, uplifted. Too try and put it into an understandable context, i can only describe the feeling this way - when you go on holiday to a hot country, that first morning after you arrive, the sun is shining, you wake up energised thinking to yourself 'I'm going to have breakfast and afterwards participate in a full day of stimulating, even enjoyable activities....I have the time and the energy....I feel great!" It's small compact, I can see her using this everyday and taking it to her work also. It is superb. My only mistake was not to have bought one of these YES ago..........

 The SAD light great,it is a surprise when I got it,Makes me feel warmly and relaxed,easy to use at home.double color light make it looks specially ,really better than some other products.it is brilliant choice.

 I received this lamp with serious scratches all over the display and control panel. Add to my horror the protective foil was missing from the package also the holder damaged and cracked. It seems the product functioned as a display model due to it's visible damages. I'm very disappointed because the basic construction is excellent but the item might used before or carelessly packed by the retailer.

 I bought this Lux lamp for my mum as a present.She isn’t very good with all these new gadgets but this lamp, she found very easy to use.She is really happy with her present.Thank you very much to the seller for a perfect product.

 This stylish and contemporary designed SAD light is great for the treatment of Seasonal Affective Disorder. The light therapy works by affecting the chemicals in your brain. It is effective in improving your mood, and it is effective in depression, energy and sleep disorders. Using this for just thirty minutes a day can improve your whole overall mood. It is very lightweight but extremely powerful. It can light up a whole room. It comes with a handy adjustable stand and It's mains operated and I love it. It is very simple to use and my mood has noticeably improved since using this. It's very good value for a SAD light. If you get the winter blues, you need to try simulated sunlight. I highly recommend this. It is amazing and worked for me :

 This is a gift when my brother send it to me.This lamp has really helped with my symptoms of SAD, depression and lethargy. After just 1 weeks of use, I've noticed a big change in the amount of energy I have and how much better I'm able to cope with my day to day activities. I use it for 30 minutes when I wake up and I feel charged and ready for my day. When I get home from work, I usually sit and read in front of it for another 20 minutes or so and it helps me feel energized. I wholeheartedly recommend this product and have even convinced some of my friends to purchase.

 Brilliant light, helps me get up and motivated in the dark mornings when up early for work. Before it took me a while to get motivated and felt so depressed and weary, and just wanted to stay in bed and not see anyone.we wake up to find that we were dear to each other,sorrow is hushed into peace in my heart like the evening among the silent trees.

 · A good solutions for depression: With light intensity of 10,000 lux and the latest Professional double colors to effectively treat emotion depression, to improve mood, energy and focus at home, work or college.Just smiles deep in "Sun Lamp"!

· Unique White&Blue double colors, Much Effective: Professional double color SAD light is much effective than traditional White light. You can guarantee changes in your mood and a healthier well being within minutes. You are free to switch white and blue two colors as your demand.

· Where to use: SAD light is perfect read, eat, work at the computer, watch TV or exercise. To ensure a right distance of between 10 cm and 20 cm between the user and the device. Four brightness:10000 lux,7500 lux,5000 lux,2500 lux.you can free change by yourself.

· Portable and specially slim design: Easy to take from one place to the next. The best choice of gift giving, give your family members,your best friends. Extremely simple to use and is suitable for people of all ages.

· Note: Dont mix use our product with other brand accessories. Protective films need to rip off before you using it! Flicker-free, UV-free, LED technology. Any problem please contact us.

General notes Pay attention: Please rip off the protective films before you use this sad lamp! Ensure that no water penetrates inside the device! Before you clean the device, always switch it off, unplug it and let it cool off. If you are not going to use the device for an extended period of time, disconnect it and store it in a dry place, out of the reach of children. Someone with serious eyes problem consult your doctor before using the daylight therapy lamp.

  Smaller that I expected, brighter than I expected. Has a VERY even light, no indication of LED's under the screen. It sits on my desk next to me in the morning and is therefore close to my face. I am sure it uses a lot less electricity that a larger SAD lamp. Great product. It worths for the cost.

 I am so so impressed with this light,had a great increase in energy and better sleep,it is amazing!!,definitely recommend to all my friends

  I got this lamp for the moments I feel sad and to be honest I have to say that it works, with his light and color make feel better and it a really good emotional control product. I use to use it for reading or eat and it is so to get a moment for yourself of peace and relex. It arrives on time and works perfectly. The design is beautiful, elegant and original and can place at anyplace at home

 my colleagues recommended me to research into SAD light when I was complaining about the winter in this country. The lamp looks smart, feels good, and it’s very very bright. I was pretty sceptical at the beginning but surprisingly it does work. Will keep it and carry on using.

 Smaller that I expected, brighter than I expected. Has a VERY even light, no indication of LED's under the screen. It sits on my desk next to me in the morning and is therefore close to my face. I am sure it uses a lot less electricity that a larger SAD lamp. Great product. It worths for the cost.

 I like the adjustable brightness, the look of the product, and the fact that you can set a timer so you don't keep the product on all day/night. It's been effective so far!!! It genuinely feels like there is sunlight in this very gloomy England weather.

 Excellent lamp, very bright light - blue and fluorescent. Cats come to sit and bask in the lamp. The clock is also built into the lamp. Very pleased

[sarahburness]

30 Easy Ways to Save Money You Probably Aren’t Doing Yet

Let’s keep this one simple and clean – just a bunch of relatively easy ways to save money. As you incorporate more and more of these tips into your life, the savings add up and it wouldn’t surprise me if you could save thousands over the course of a year.

It will take a little work on your part but those thousands of dollars in savings are what helped us get out of debt earlier and kept us out of debt for several years . Hopefully, it’ll help us pay off our recent auto loan soon as well.

Cook at home often

If both the husband and wife work, this is likely to be very difficult. Start out with the habit of cooking at home once a week and slowly increase the frequency until you find a balance between saving money and getting stressed out.

Make your own coffee

Everyone seems to have heard of the latte factor. Even though the author may have overestimated the savings from skipping a latte at Starbucks, don’t underestimate the ding it puts in your pocket in the long run. You don’t have to entirely ban drinking coffee, but skip it as often as possible- unless you make it at home.

Brown bag lunch at least a few days a week

Lunch times are great opportunities to network and make connections that could improve your career growth. So, unless there is a common eating area for brown baggers, you may choose to limit brown bagging lunch to three days each week.

Find a balance between saving some money and making the connection. In my case, I take my lunch with me 2 to 3 times a week and eat out the rest of the time.

Make a list before going shopping

They call it impulse buying for a reason.

Humans simply have a very tough time resisting the temptation to purchase extras while shopping. Without a list, you will likely buy items that you simply do not need. Even worse is when your forget to purchase the actual item you came to the store for in the first place.

If you plan on cooking at home, pre-plan a rough menu and make a list before you go grocery shopping. Getting all that you need in one trip can help avoid another unnecessary trip and temptation.

Go grocery shopping while you are in a hurry

Maybe you need to go out in a couple of hours or your favorite show is going to be on TV after a couple of hours. Try to squeeze in the grocery trip in that intermediate time.

Armed with your grocery list, you should be in-and-out very quickly with little time for meandering and getting tempted to buy things you don’t need.

Watch out for expiration dates on perishable goods

This one seems intuitive when you read it, but I am surprised at how many people do not pay attention to expiry dates. No point getting a gallon of milk if it is going to turn sour with a couple of days. Same goes for meat, eggs, yogurt, spreads, frozen items, and deli/bakery items.

Some people say you can use a few items a few days after expiry but I personally value my health more than money. I would rather avoid buying such items in the first place. 

Buy in bulk whenever possible

When it comes to non-perishable items, buy in bulk whenever you find something on sale. The items I usually stock up on are, cereals, tinned goods, rice, beans, pasta, coke, toothpaste, body wash, shampoo, toilet paper, etc.

For such items, shopping at warehouse stores like Costco and Sam’s Club can save you quite a bit of money- that is if you stick strictly to your shopping list when you shop.

Buy generic products whenever possible

Does it really matter whether your cereal is made by Kellogg’s or is the store brand? Does it matter if your milk is Oak Farms or the store brand?

For a few things (like soda in particular), I prefer brand name products. For others, I do not mind generic store brands if they can save me money. Find what works for you and switch to generic brands for at least a part of your grocery list. 

Use grocery store bags to line trash cans

This may not work if you use a massive trash can but we use a small sized one for which the grocery bags are a perfect fit. This not only helps us save some money, but reduces our environmental foot print. It avoids the kitchen from stinking from a huge overflowing trash can, too.

Consolidate and pay off debt as soon as possible

If you carry any debt, focus on consolidating it to a lower interest and paying it off as soon as possible. Money paid in interest is money thrown away! Why spend your hard-earned cash to make the financial institutions rich?

See Also: Staying Out Of Debt: 3 Money Habits You Should Be Doing

Pay your bills on time and avoid late fees

Get organized about your regular bills. If possible, automate the payments. Most utilities and other recurring bills can be set to be charged to a credit card or deducted from a checking account these days.

Also, many banks offer free bill pay programs. There really is no excuse for forgetting to pay a bill on time and forking out the late fees.

Say, by chance you do forget a bill, if you are a first time offender, call the company and request politely to waive the late fees. More likely than not, they will oblige.

Be aware of your bank balance and avoid over draft fees

If you use your checking account often or have some bills that are paid automatically from your checking account, be aware of the balance and avoid overdraft fees. 

Avoid ATM fees

Be aware of the ATM withdrawal fees charged by your bank. While some banks waive fees for all ATM transactions on any ATM machine, most don’t.

So, be sure to use only those ATM machines where your bank will not charge the fees or withdraw directly at your bank. 

Avoid credit cards with annual fee

Credit cards with their cash back bonuses and reward points are a great way to save some money. Just make sure that the card does not charge you any annual fees. There is no dearth of cards that offer fee-free reward plans, so there really is no reason to pay the annual fees. 

Disconnect land line if possible

Unless you have small kids in the house or older people to take care of, it is more than likely that you will be able to survive with only your mobile phones.

We have survived without any problems for over 4 years now without a land line. Our Internet comes via cable. 

Instead of buying books, borrow books from the library

Whenever possible, borrow your books instead of buying them. The card to your public library is free and the libraries are generally well stocked.

In my city, the chain of public libraries is connected and the available books can be checked online. If there is some book that I cannot find in my local branch, I can make a request online for it to be brought in from one of the other branches to mine which is very convenient. 

If you have to buy books, check if you can buy it used

Used books do not quite give the same feeling as leafing through the crisp pages of a brand new book. However, considering that you can get used books for almost as much as half the price of a new book, it is a small price to pay.

My favorite place to buy used books is a local chain called “Half Price Book Store”. Check if you have something similar in your city. For text books, look online on bulletin boards, and mailing lists and price compare on websites like addall.com. 

Price check before buying anything expensive

For other items that are expensive, do a price check before buying the item. If you can wait for a while, you can track the prices and grab a great deal when it comes along.

Frequently available online coupons make it even more easy to save some money. This is especially true while purchasing any electronics. 

Avoid impulse buying

Make it a habit to avoid impulse buying. Many of the things you want to buy do not seem all that necessary, if you only you wait for a day or two. Also, waiting means you will be able to check prices and make an informed decision to buy it at the best possible price. 

Bottle your own water

Drinking water is good for your health. I always make it a habit to keep some at my desk at all times. Bottled water is the most convenient since it can provide protection against accidental spills. That said, buy bottled water only once in a while and then reuse that bottle to fill your own water. If you are not happy with tap water, invest in a Brita Filter – in the long run it can save a lot of money. 

Avoid the vending machines

Almost everything that is dispensed via vending machines has a huge markup (and is rarely healthy). However, if you suffer from snack attacks at work, consider creating a secret stash of snacks.

If you like drinking soda and have a fridge at the workplace, save a refrigerator pack in the fridge with a post-it with your name on it. If you have a long commute, consider a stash for the car as well and avoid a quick drive-thru visit. 

Keep your car as long as possible

When possible, try to keep your car as long as possible. Find the balance between the money spent on repairs versus the monthly installment on another vehicle. Choose to run your old car as long as the repair costs are low. 

Do regular scheduled maintenance on your vehicles

Do not skimp on or forget to do regular oil changes. Remember to check the air in your tires often. Use the grade of fuel that the owner’s manual recommends. These small acts can significantly lengthen the life of your car, giving you years of use. 

Avoid buying a new car

When you eventually buy a car, see if you can make do with a pre-owned vehicle. A new car depreciates significantly the moment you drive it out the dealership.

Is the new car small really worth thousands of dollars?

Pre-owned cars that are only a few years old with low mileage are the best bargains. Regardless of the purchase, learn to negotiate with car dealers. 

Ride your bike or carpool whenever possible

In many of the cities in the US, it is hard to get by without a car. That said, just because you have a car does not mean you have to use it every day. Whenever possible, ride your bike or share a ride with a colleague or spouse and save both on gas and reduce the environmental footprint. 

If you watch a lot of DVDs, get an online DVD store membership

Membership to online movie stores like Netflix or Blockbuster Online can save you a lot of money compared to buying DVDs or renting it from a local store. You need to wait once you order the movie, but if you watch a lot of movies at home, then you can easily get into the habit of ordering ahead of time so you always have something at home.

If you are patient and your library has the resources, check to see if they have a movie section. You won’t get anything very new, but they are free. 

If you like watching movies at the theater, go before 6:00 pm

This is one of our soft spots when it comes to spending. We really like watching movies in the theater with the big screen and the great sound effects. But instead of paying $10 a pop for the ticket, we usually go before 6:00 pm when the tickets are a little less expensive.

Also, for movies that we don’t absolutely want to watch right away, we just wait until it screens on the discount theater where the tickets are $2 a pop. We avoid the temptation to buy snacks by usually going for a theater some time soon after our lunch. Sometimes, we sneak in our own snacks.

Regulate your electric use

When not in use, unplug electric appliances. Apparently, unplugging the TV instead of just switching it off can save a lot of electricity!

When not in a room, switch off the lights and the fan. Use a programmable thermostat to control your A/C and heater usage. If that’s too much, at least know what each appliance uses and unplug a few of them. 

Plan vacations ahead of time

Vacations are a necessary part of saving our sanity in the busy lives that we lead. But vacations are also a huge drain on the family finances.

You can cut the cost of a vacation significantly by planning and booking ahead of time. Bookmark travel sites for finding inexpensive airfare and hotel. Book at least two weeks in advance. 

See Also: How to Make The Most of Your Vacation

Finally, keep distance from lavish, high-roller friends

If you have lavish friends who buy a new car every other year (or worse still, lease it), have large screen TVs and every other conceivable electronics gadget, eat out at fancy restaurants every other night and just live way beyond their means, keep the distance.

They may be nice people and mean you no harm, but hanging out with such people can often lead to a lot of unnecessary desires and discontent. What’s more important – your friends or your peace of mind?

Whoa, that article ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated. Hopefully, I haven’t put you to sleep! Despite the length though, it barely scratches the surface when it comes to ways to save money. Make it a sub-conscious habit to save money in things that you do every day, even if it is a few dollars. All that money saved can add up significantly and you can save it or spend it on things that really matter!

NOTE: I am not saying that you should follow *all* these tips. Trying to be too frugal can make both you and the people around you very miserable. So, pick out a few tips at a time that will work for you and make them a habit, before deciding if you can incorporate more money saving habits in your daily routine. Written by Sam Baker of GradMoneyMatters.com – a site dedicated to providing students a choice of money making ideas so they can say no to debt.

The post 30 Easy Ways to Save Money You Probably Aren’t Doing Yet appeared first on Dumb Little Man.

from Dumb Little Man https://www.dumblittleman.com/30-easy-ways-to-save-money-and-no-you/

[tonyb-blog]

I’ve just about to trade one of the best bikes I’ve ever had.

The Kawasaki Z1000 SX that I have had for the last three and a quarter years or so  has quite simply been superb from the day I got it back in May 2014 until the day I said goodbye to it.

It was the 9th May 2014 when I took one out for a demo’ ride from Bolton Kawasaki, I immediately loved it and on return from the demo’ ride I struck a deal to trade my Honda CB1000 R and arranged to collect the Z1000 a short while later on the 20th May.

In the time I have had it there hasn’t been a single issue with the bike, I’ve not even needed to replace a bulb and other than spending money on servicing and standard replacement parts, brake pads, tyres etc it’s been an incredibly reliable bike to own.

I didn’t spend a great deal on ‘extra’s’ for it, other than replacing the rear end with a tail tidy, swapping out the back light and rear indicators for an integrated unit, replacement cans from SP Engineering, stock levers for some more adjustable and matching green levers. I think the only other addition was a set of lowering links from Lust Racing which dropped the bike by about 30mm I think and made a useful and comfortable improvement for me.

Day 1 with the Z1000

New bike

You know this is true

SP Engineering cans

The bike hasn’t exactly been sat in the garage these last few years – it’s taken me on a good number of trips (four European and of course numerous UK rides and overnights).

The 2015 and 2017 European trips in particular really provided the opportunity to demonstrate what a fabulous touring bike the Z1000 is.

The 2015 trip saw me head across northern Spain, into France and then down the Mediterranean coast before pretty much meandering up the Adriatic coast and into Slovenia and the Trentino region of Northern Italy – including crossing the Stelvio Pass before heading for home.

My recent trip earlier this year probably eclipsed the 2015 trip when I traveled through Poland, Slovenia, Slovakia, Hungary, Bosnia and heading down past Dubrovnic in Croatia before returning via Italy, Austria, Germany etc.

I often say that all bikes are a compromise of sorts, and I also often say that I reckon you can tour on most any bike, I done European trips on GSX-R 600s; 750 and 1000, as well as on a Fireblade RR and a CB1000R and all of them have acquitted themselves well

But I suppose it’s fair to say that when it comes to a European tour and being away for a two or three weeks it’s the Z1000 that has the least compromises – the OEM luggage system is superb, the tank range is excellent and the performance of the bike is wonderful whether making that last slog for the ferry up to Rotterdam or Zeebruge or whether you are realising a dream barreling along the Sorrento/Amalfi coast (see the my short You Tube video here).

It’s basically all pretty good when your on the ZX.

The bikes now is the garage, back to stock and ready to go. It goes virtually blemish free.

There is a small mark on the right hand side crankcase and the tiniest of scuffs on the left hand lower fairing. The finish of the bike is just about how it was when it came out of the showroom, the candy line green paintwork has the same rich lustre as it had on day one, the gearbox is as smooth as it’s ever been and even the chain is in fine order.

The pictures below were taken last week just before returning the bike to stock – hardly the look of a bike that has done the trips it has.

If I was to be picky and find fault, then I suppose the seat isn’t as comfortable as it ought to be for a bike like this, although I gather this years model has addressed that with a slightly lower stance and a wider seat, I found that the front end can feel a little heavy and ponderous at slow (car park) speeds and I didn’t rate the OEM tyres for either feel or durability – I ran Bridgestone T30s as my final choice and found them to be superb, although one thing I would add is that I thought the ZX was more sensitive to incorrect tyre pressures than other bikes I have had.

So why change it then? I suppose if its that good and I’ve enjoyed it that much, why am I changing it is a reasonable question to ask. Basically it’s as simple as I want a change from riding inline fours – I’m fortunate enough to have a couple of other bikes in the garage so always have a choice, but as much as I have trully enjoyed the Z1000 it just feels like it’s time for something different and along with that a different set of compromises.

Moto Guzzi V7

Z1000 SX

Vulcan S 650

What was on the short list: I considered a few bikes to change to and probably looked at the ranges from almost all manufacturers – but in truth there really were not that many that I really wanted enough to trade for.

The bikes I did consider were: the new Z1000 SX; the Indian Scout/Scout Sixty; Yamaha XV950 and the BMW R nine T.

Although the new Z1000 is sure to be an improvement on the model I have and as superb as it undoubtedly is, trading to one would really to all intents and purposes be more of the same.

I think the Indian Scout is a really interesting bike and it really does get fabulous reviews, we wen to look at them and I do like the look of them and wouldnt rule one out at a later date (the new 2017 Bobber version is a good looking machine as well).

My wife and I almost bought an XV950 for us both to use last year but opted for the Vulcan S and although it was a bike I considered it didnt really make the cut for me – as nice as I think it is.

So that brings to the bike I have traded the Z1000 for – it’s the one in the last picture, a BMW R nine T from Williams BMW Manchester.

It’s worth saying that I found the level of service at Williams superb and they really couldn’t have been more professional and helpful – but I’ll write a separate Blog post about that once I have collected my new bike

Yamaha XV 950

Scout Sixty

2017 Z1000 SX

BMW R nine T

So for now although it’s farewell to the Z1000 it;s not farewell to Kawasaki as we still have the Vulcan S.

Perfect combination – coffee and the Z1000

Me and my ZX

  time to say goodbye to the bike … I've just about to trade one of the best bikes I've ever had. The Kawasaki Z1000 SX that I have had for the last three and a quarter years or so  has quite simply been superb from the day I got it back in May 2014 until the day I said goodbye to it.