#i said i wasnt gonna be negative about the show but i was on a walk and this came out

[epiphainie]

honestly what frustrates me about the bucktommy breakup as a buck fan is that pursuing tommy for that second chance after their first failed date was the first time buck assumed a proactive role in his love life. yes, tommy initiated the kiss, took the first step to date buck like all of his love interests before, but it was that decision by buck not to watch this chance slip away from his fingers that made it so interesting. maybe the writers meant off-the-hamster-wheel as him finding an answer to what he was searching for in himself -- that being his bisexuality -- but to me it was that moment of grabbing the controls that was so special. it was a natural next step in his growth for him to seek someone out after taking the initiative to end his relationship with taylor and the breakup with tommy sending him back to that passive position annoys me. i'm not frustrated about tommy not being his endgame, i don't think his off-the-hamster-wheel necessarily had to mean he was gonna settle down now, i'm just frustrated about the step back in his character arc. and he still wants to call tommy, actually, he's not ready to let go like he wasn't after their first date, and all logical signs following this character would have him assume the active role in seeking that second chance or the closure but logical character writing comes to die in 911 nowadays

[phagodyke]

was brave and talked to my doctor abt my period bs + she said it might be endometriosis without me even having to bring it up... 💀

[strawberrymatchawhore]

baby

summary- babying your "tough" hubby rafe.. maybe some freakydeakyness at the end

note- this is the complete opposite of the rafe ive been writing about LMAOOO.. this man is SO BAD help me

it was 2am and you were in your bedroom scrolling on your phone, a random netflix show playing in the background. you've been waiting for your husband to get home for hours, being the wife to the chief of police did have its negatives. this was one of them.

you heard footsteps walking up the stairs and immediately turned off your phone, throwing the covers over yourself you pretend to be asleep. the door opens and you feel the weight of the bed shift.

"hey baby. sorry for getting home so late" rafe says giving your forehead a kiss, you jokingly ignore him.

"c'mon now i know youre awake.. get up and hold me." he begged tiredly, you couldnt help but giggle at how desperate he sounded.

"fine." you mumbled into the sheets but stayed in your position, he hugs you putting all of his weight on your body.

"okay okayy, i got it. now get off me you fatty." you whined, pushing his large frame off of you. you leaned against the bed frame and opened your arms, the both of you adjusting to a more comfortable position. which was the both of you propped up against a pillow.

"im so tired." he yawns into your chest, you played with his hair as the both of you stayed in silence.

"i know you are, you need a day off. youve been working too hard." validating him, his hand plays with the ribbon of your pajama shorts.

"see? youre still in your uniform, youre gonna make the bed dirty." you patted his back and drew circles on it.

"what, you want me take it off? if you wanted to see me naked you couldve asked sweetheart." he looked up at you and smirked. you glared at him, lightly slapping his arm.

"not what i meant.." you blushed.

"youre so cute you know that rafey, honestly when i look at you i just want to eat you." you confessed and massaged his temples, his face nuzzles into your chest even further. clearly he was blushing as well.

"i dont know how i got so lucky, im so glad i have a such a beautiful boy in my life. everything about you is just perfect." you cooed admiring his sculpted face, the way his plump lips curled into a smile.

"stopppp" he whined. you couldnt help but pull out your phone and take a picture. because if you didnt, who wouldve believe that your 6'2 husband loved to be babied like this? not like you were going to show anyone, its just for your eyes only. you wanted to cherish this moment forever.

"did you just take a picture?"

"let me see it." he shot up and reached for your phone. you put your phone under your pillow and laid on it, making sure he wasnt able to grab it. the two of you started play fighting.

"nooo please, you look so cute. let me keep it!!" you laughed, he started to tickle you. and you slowly started to fall off the bed. your legs wrapped around his waist and dragged him down, if you were gonna fall he was going to come down with you.

the laughing coming from you both died down and you looked up at him, what a funny position. you both were on the floor and he was in between your legs hovering over you.

rafe leaned downed and passionately kissed your lips, his hand starts to play with your shorts. you eventually pull away and slap his hand.

"nuh uh. go shower first. you stink." you got up to your feet then helped your boyfriend get up as well. you looked up at rafe with your head tilted, what was this man plotting?

"not unless you join me.. you cant say no" he quickly said and grabbed you by the waist. hoisting you over his shoulder and carrying you to the master bathroom.

"ahhh! rafe stop!!" you busted out laughing, kicking your feet as he practically dragged you to the shower. he put you down and turned on the warm water, it poured over you both. you furrowed your eyebrows.

"great now my clothes are all wet." you pouted crossing your arms over your now soaked tank top.

"more reason to take it off... lift your arms f'me"

[theninth09]

theo going from exploiting liams anger issues to being one of the only ones that doesnt judge him for said anger issues and actually helps him calm down and control himself? theo going from intentionally poking liam where it hurts to the show implying that theo is liams anchor?

im losing my mind over this like what do you MEAN... "that's cute, liam. is that what they told you in anger management?" "there he is, thats the IED i remember." "great, you gave super powers to a walking time bomb!" "whats gonna take it for you to explode, liam?" and thats his supposed friends talking to him???

meanwhile theo doesnt ever comment negatively on liams anger, he literally just helps him control himself again. and like yeah stiles wasnt liams friend quite yet when he made that comment and bretts and liams relationship is.. complicated but yk? so is theos and liams relationship. like theo did way worse stuff to liam than brett and he still never was an asshole about liams IED... idk just. i think about this a lot.

especially with the theo and liam both thinking of themselves as monsters thing.. like they can see each others darkness. obviously they have different issues and everything, they have like, control issues in opposite directions (liam struggling to control himself & his emotions/anger, theo always wanting to be in control of everything & everyone and not willing to let go of control) but i still think that when they look at each other they can kinda see a kindred spirit. especially when you take into consideration when liam said that he thought he WANTED to hurt scott. like yeah that was just theos manipulation but you cant tell me he hasnt had that thought before.

theo would be so good for him bc he takes it in stride & hes liams anchor anyway so he automatically helps. and liam could help theo learn how to relax.

[ultra-raging-ghost]

OKKKKK i took a little bit i organized my thoughts i picked through my feelings, i will say i have complicated feelings on q leaving his administrative position in the project (Hopeful it relieves a lot of his stress, empathetic because i know it mustve been hard for him to step down for the reason he did) but theres not much to say about it that i can say. I will say, that while Lea's original statement may have been well intentioned, it was ultimately a net negative for the whole situation, and the statements and leaks she spread afterwards only make it worse. I understand her upset and trauma, but it wasnt an excuse for really anything and she shouldve had someone advising her or at least a second thought before posting everything. I think she misused her platform, especially when doxxing Q. Public doesnt always mean public, and while everyone could have gotten his full name not everyone knew they couldve and not only posting it but also justifying it on such a large platform on twitter of all places was so irresponsible and frankly shows her forethought. My personal thoughts on her intentions in making all of this public are irrelevant, and as an ex-admin i support her but as a person i honestly dont. I kinda knew as soon as the doxxing occured that q would step down, which is why im not super surprised he did, but i am surprised she didnt think the same thing.

That being said, i havent seen it myself but ive been told some people on here have wished lea to literally kill herself which is kinda wild?? Im not happy with her but thats kinda crazyyyyyy

All in all i hope she never has to experience what Q is experiencing right now, and from now on im honestly not gonna be posting or rbing updates about her or info from her specifically - i just cant get behind it now.

on the plus side!! The project is continuing, as well as other projects Q is gonna do!! im very happy about that, im excited to see future changes, and im sticking with the qsmp and my little kingdom (all of the seven cucuhalo shippers on here lmao) :D excited to continue this with you all, hopefully the rest of april is quiet (knock on wood)

[eternal-eepiness]

Unfortunately for everyone the newest episode has me crying, shaking, screaming, and eating drywall like hot pockets so I'm gonna write some poorly articulated essay about a character who the episode wasnt even focusing on! (Guess who it is lol)

SPOILERS UNDER CUT

So, about Jax. I noticed a few things while watching the episode and after some thinking I have some stupid things I need to get out of my brain.

Something bad has obviously happened to Jax at some point. And by thinking about what Kinger said about how "The worse thing you can do is make somebody feel unloved" we can probably imagine that it was something like that along those lines. And with further pondering, I realized something.

Jax REVELS in being the asshole. The jerk. The no-good shit eating grin having chaos-loving asshole. It's all he ever really shows to everyone else. Which is even more interesting when you realize he never wants to show anybody at the circus what happens to him when he holds his breath. He's trying to be 2d. A flat, bland, shallow person. And I think I know why.

Think back to what Caine said congratulating him, Ragatha, and Gangle for completing the pacifist route. "Congratulations on what good people you are!" The camera is on Jax, and he looks upset. This could be chalked up to his usual "If it's not everyone suffering it's boring" attitude but I'm delusional and the camera focused on him for a reason which means it could mean something more.

Something, or someone could have made Jax feel unloved and unwanted, convincing him he was a horrible person who was good for nothing other than being an asshole. And if that's a possibility he obviously held onto that view of himself like a lifeline. Think about it. He is the happiest when others insult him, are suffering because of him, or just hate him in general. He loves negative attention. So, what does that mean with the combination of possibly hating being vulnerable?

Jax doesn't know who he is besides how others perceive him.

He can't be vulnerable or show his real self because it's not really there anymore. All we know of him is that he's a jerk and that seems to be all he acknowledges about himself. He won't show anyone anything because if anybody knows he's more than a jerk or (god forbid) TOLERATED HIM then he's lost his only sense of control and familiarity. And a thing about people who hide themselves or have gone through terrible things DESPISE new scenarios. Because new means uncertainty, which means a chance to be hurt again, and that's the last thing Jax wants.

TLDR:Jax is a jerk because that's all he knows and if anybody saw past his tomfoolery and prick behavior he will realize that his only sense of familiarity and stability is flawed and he's terrified of change because change means bad things can happen. Also something something about how he's convinced he can never be loved again.

Anyway how was your day?

[zeravmeta]

Thoughts on RvB Restoration Finale

not really that long just my 2 cents

I wanna say I liked the movie because I did enjoy myself watching it, but honestly I'm very much gonna stick to the RvB17 open ended finale

Overall the movie was... ok? It wasn't unwatchably bad the way RvB Zero was but it also just made a lot of choices that I disagree with fundamentally both with the writing and the core themes of the series as a whole. I've had this take ever since RvB14 on the fanbase and the writers but this movie flat out says it:

The writers are fucking unable to let go of PFL and Chorus in a meaningful way.

For a series thats core message is about saying goodbye, they literally dont let that part of the show die. They are functionally unable to let go of the past peaks of the franchise and write something new. And I get it: RvB fundamentally cycles with its storytelling, but what was so refreshing to me about RvB14-17 was that it actually progressed itself Past those peaks of RvB10 and 11-13 (and honestly people REALLY dont appreciate the good in those later seasons). It felt like a natural (if wacky) progression, and it definitely wasnt perfect but it gave the extended cast more opportunities to shine in ways we didnt appreciate before

This movie just doesnt do that? Honestly the fact that they KILLED Sarge and Doc was so... disrespectful to me? Like not in the sense that it was as bad as how RvB Zero (fake) killed Tucker, but more like it felt like the writers killed them off because they were following a book titled "How To Write Story" and saw 'killing off characters is good writing'. Sarge got a dramatic send off that also didnt feel that impactful? And I did see it coming from the start but having Doc be Washs' guilt haunting him just left a bad taste in my mouth.

Its a really self contained story, a whole bunch of characters outside the main 3 reds and Caboose felt ooc, a good chunk of characters dont even show up (dude where was DONUT??? youre telling me he only has 5 seconds in Simmons' mind in a cheerleading costume?), it was composed of like 3-4 sets total, Carolina, Tex and 479er all just kind of Show Up to be badasses in the way The New Person would show up in an MCU movie...

Honestly watching this movie I kind of felt like it would have a twist ending. Like the credits would play and then itd zoom out to show the Reds and Blues post S17 in a movie theater watching this dramatic finale, because thats honestly what it felt like: The whole movie was a cheap facsimile of RvB as a whole. The fact that Trocadero wasn't allowed/signed on to make the music for this finale really does influence this movie, since they used a whole bunch of songs and osts that felt out of place (though I will admit Vale Deah softly playing as Grimmons said goodbye to each other did make me choke up a little)

Despite my negative review, I do still recommend watching it, since there was stuff I did like: Simmons in a leader role, Tex and the fun reveal during her fight with Tucker-Meta, Grif FINALLY getting to retire, Caboose as a whole was really well written, there IS good in this movie! And again it's not unwatchable bad, it just... kind of leaves a somber, sour taste in my mouth. This movie threw a whole bunch of stuff to the wall not to see what would stick but to break it all and leave for the insurance money. Just a "hey since we're sinking might as well make all these callbacks and break a bunch of stuff along the way."

Welp. Goodbye, RvB. At least this way I know that RT dies without riding your coattails any longer. And hey given that RvB technically has 3 endings (RvB17, Zero and RvB19) you can just take your pick on what you like best anyways. Quick edit no jutsu I forgor to mention there is the sequence at the beginning of the movie where it is implied RvB19 COULD also be one of the simulations in and of itself so. yeah you can in fact just take it as you will

[black-salt-cage]

sorry it took me a while to come back, the replies are right, and i didnt use any specific labels because its a super wide range of people and labels, i asked because you said radqueer DNI and sometimes people will include anyone who has a trans identity outside of gender in that- regardless of if we're radqueer or not. I wanted to make some stimboards with these gifs, i wouldnt have asked otherwise, im really sorry for the confusion. I have that like, "autism made me super scared of being misunderstood" issue. i know i shouldnt ask otherwise i was just worried because of that because radqueer doesnt really have a solid definition and sometimes people include things that arent inherently radqueer. i have race dysphoria myself and consider myself trace (lots of us dont use the term transrace because of the problems it raised with 'transracial adoptee' so it gets shortened together to trace, tracial, etc.) and im more than aware that my like, life. is controversial. same with my transpecies friends. sorry for asking, i really wasnt going to, and i get no pleasure from asking these, im sorry if it seems i was trying to start anything. im just really used to violent hate so i get nervous/

okay, I'm gonna try and word this as nicely but firmly as possible. If someone gets upset at my response to this so be it, but know I wish to make myself nonaggressive but transparent in what I have to say. I'll be putting this under the cut because this pertains to discourse, and if you don't want to see it just skip this ask.

If you identify yourself as radqueer or consider yourself as part of the community then I do not want your interaction. Despite what you may believe, I have seen far too many radqueers show glowing support of maps, aams, zoos, and other such things that I find despicable to support. To any radqueer identifying person that reads this and thinks I'm wrong, you have a right to disagree with me. Maybe you don't support things like pedophilia and zoophilia, but too many radqueers do, and I find that the community itself provides a safe space to such things as the basis of it's beliefs. I'm not sure if you are saying you consider yourself radqueer anon but if you do, I'd like to politely ask you not to engage with us or our content as I don't feel we have any productive words to exchange with one another. That goes for anyone who's radqueer.

For therians or transspecies or whatever anyone calls themselves that may apply to such a category, that is something that I can't say I exactly relate to, but like most things people do with their own lives that doesn't have any effect on anything or anyone other than the person themself, I don't really care what you do.

Now. Here's the part I don't think you're going to like. I'm gonna tell y'all something about myself.

I am white. 100% white. This system is within a white body. I have not and will never experience any form of racism, cultural appropriation, or what have you that could ever affect my life in any negative way whatsoever. What I AM is transgender, and have openly identified as such for more or less a decade at this point. I also live in an area that does not take too kindly to trans people and have had slurs thrown at me in broad daylight out in public because I was very clearly not a cis woman. To quote what you said in your last ask:

"its just there's a lot of misinfo and regurgitated transphobia surrounding the topic, and im no stranger to helping educate and clear away misconceptions, im sure as a profic blogger youre familiar with situations like that."

I find it offensive and, frankly, insulting, that the topic of trace, or transracial, or whatever you wish to call it, would be considered a marginalized group that would fall under the topic of "transphobia". My reality is that I have people in my every day life who weaponize my gender identity against me. I'm sure you hear comments online that aren't very nice. hell, I'm sure you've heard some very mean and nasty ones. I do not think anyone should be harassed or bullied for any reason.

But while you may not realize it, that comment in your last ask was incredibly condescending. I do not need the bigotry I face on a daily basis explained to me. I am very well aware of what it's like to deal with transphobia on a day to day basis, and I don't appreciate the implication that I'd need to be "educated" for not outright supporting something that I cannot blame people for thinking is racist.

I'm not here to tell you what to do, and I sincerely doubt at the end of the day anything I say will change your mind. In fact I anticipate that you probably don't like me one bit after answering and I can accept that. But I cannot say I support it. I'm white and I'm planting my butt in my lane where it belongs, and I have heard many poc speak out against it for incredibly good reasons, and I agree with them. I don't wish ill will on you nor do I know what your story is, your feelings are, or anything of the sort. But I am not the person to go to for validation on this.

So in case it's not clear I'll make it clear now: I don't support the concepting of transitioning to another race, regardless of whatever word you wish to call it

[mapplesand]

Marco's playlist but I try to make it make sense with the character

with both songs that fits him and songs that he would listen to

Tristan's version

Marco

Marco mainly listens to metal mostly to industrial metal (he yearns for the 90s, I mean have you seen him) and nu metal, sometimes there's others stuff too but he really likes his loud music

KMFDM - Stray Bullet (Marco's favorite band is KMFDM and his username on social media is Stray Bullet)

And One - Military Fashion Show (it's military fashion show, what do you need more, it's literally him the song (tm))

Nine Inch Nails - Closer (this is kind of how he introduces himself to Tristan, also the title of chapter 4)

KMFDM - Hyena (Marco's animal motif is a hyena)

Foster the People - Pumped Kicks (gee, a song about school shooting, in Marco's playlist, who would have thought, anyway, Marco only know to whistle one melody and it's pumped kicks)

KFMDM - Dogma ("if no one quotes you, you probably haven't said a thing worth saying" is Marco's senior quote)

KMFDM - Wrath ("sexy satanist" was Marco's twitter name and probably nickname on discord servers before Tristan made him change it to "manic masturbator" because it's more accurate)

Seb Lowe - Kill Him, He’s a Socialist (wow Marco likes a british guy ? anyway "I don’t promote war, but we’ll massacre your parliament" was one of his attempt at a senior quote, it got rejected for obvious reasons)

SKYND Feat Bill $aber - Columbine (okay well he's not even trying to hide it anymore now huh, yes Marco did searched up songs about school shooting because he's an edgelord, the song is good tho, I would know, I'm the one who searched up songs about school shootings)

And One - Don't Get Me Wrong (i'm sorry but he probably listen to that while thinking of Tristan, he's like yeah that's absolutely my relationship with my boyfriend and Tristan listens to it like what the fuck do you think i am)

KMFDM - Me & My Gun ("Now listen up kid, it ain't cool to shoot up your school" he often quote this one)

Adam Jensen - The Kid ("I am what the universe made me" is pretty much Marco's entire character, also a song about a kid having a gun, for a change)

Marilyn Manson - The Nobodies (you thought there was already way too much songs about school shooting, well it's a Marco playlist, it never truly ends does it)

Danny Gonzalez - I'm Gonna Kill Santa Claus (he will kill santa claus, also "This Christmas, don't got a wish list, I got a hit list" is such a Marco thing to say)

Three Days Grace - Riot (despite everything, Marco doesn't strike me that much as a three days grace fan but he likes this one a lot)

Type O Negative - I Don't Wanna Be Me (he probably made Tristan listen to that one because of the crazy guitar solo)

No One Is Innocent - Révolution.com (Tristan shares french industrial metal with him, this one both fit his vibe and he would listen to it)

Bring Me The Horizon - n/A (i would tend to say that Bring me the horizon is more of a Tristan's band but Marco listen to their older stuff, this one is probably because it hit a bit hard)

Bring Me The Horizon - Go To Hell, For Heaven's Sake (this one for example is more something he would blast, god i'm sure it served as a pseudo "breakup" song when Maria stopped talking to him after 8th grade, suddenly he made the song about calling a girl a bitch when it wasnt about that at all)

Sonic Youth - Z) Eliminator, Jr. (it's the opening song of the movie Zero Day)

Pisse - Fahrradsattel (he would make Tristan listen to this with the translated lyrics and watch his whole face go red)

Grandson - Darkside (we were truly... missing some songs about... school shooting... were we ? anyway "The kid has got a darkside, best believe it, push too far you'll see")

Shiki – Senpai (you thought you were gonna escape Marco's terrible music taste about music with anime sample ? god no, I didn't dive into this genre for obvious reason but just know that he DOES listen to this kind of music too)

S3RL - MTC ("that's so me" no marco that's a weeb with a porn addiction- wait no that's you you're right)

Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch (he probably sent this to Tristan with the message "we should do what they say in the song")

Fish in a Birdcage - Rule #34 (now I think that's a band that was introduced to him by Tristan and it's the only song by them he listens to because he thinks it's a "him and Tristan" song again, um, he thinks that because it's sex, it's literally bondage, Tristan wished Marco would think about him when he listens to love song rather than the horny stuff)

this is the part where that's just songs he would listen to and i have no other information to share apart from that

KMFDM - Son of a Gun

And One - Stand The Pain

ThxSoMch - Hate

moremoney - hate

Slipknot - Psychosocial

Slipknot - Custer

Insane Clown Posse - Chop Chop Slide

Insane Clown Posse - Piggy Pie

Insane Clown Posse - In My Room

Rammstein - Deutschland

Rammstein - Sonne

Eisbrecher - Automat

Drowning Pool - Bodies

Disturbed - Down with the Sickness

The Offspring - Self Esteem

The Offspring - Americana

Otherwise - Soldiers

Sabaton - The Art of War

Innerpartysystem - American Trash

this is the part where Marco would NOT listen to these AT ALL but I think they're fitting regardless

Will Wood – The Main Character (he's the main character, you have to follow him, you won't like it, but he's there anyway, he's also a pretty unreliable narrator like all the POV and has some kind of huge ego that fits the song)

Twenty One Pilots - House of Gold (Marco would not listen to Twenty One Pilots at all, he probably thinks they're too sentimentals, but this song fit him and his mom, aw, he loves his mom)

Will Wood - Your Body, My Temple (he wouldn't listen to Will Wood but probably heard that song because it's Tristan's taste and would think it's so a "them song hashtag true love", it's not, he's delusional)

Mother Mother - Problems (last thing that Marco would do is listen to Mother Mother, but hell Marco thinking he doesn't deserve Tristan because he's a piece of shit with problem compared to him is not that big of a stretch)

Mother Mother - The Matrix (i'm sorry but a song about being depressed, suicidal, having an existential crisis and living in the basement is just Marco's life story)

My Chemical Romance - Mama (hey look it's a mom song but this time it's more angsty "You should've raised a baby girl, I should've been a better son")

Lemon Demon - Knife Fight (that's literally Marco and Kip if you even care, "I'm a crazy son of a bitch" is probably something Marco said about himself)

girl in red - Serotonin (does marco listen to girl in red... the answer is no but any songs about depression and lack of serotonin is just him)

Cavetown - Boys Will Be Bugs (god if there's a song for Marco it's this one "I just turned 14 and I think this year I'm gonna be mean" it's about masculinity and boy do we know how Marco is about that)

Radiohead - Man of War (I'm putting this one at the end of Marco's section because it's actually a Tristan's song, it just reminds him of Marco, he truly is his "man of war" idk)

[justmeinadaze]

I was gonna message @icallhimjoey when I was done watching Hoard but i just have so much to say I'm putting it here lol some spoilers, my own trauma, and interpretation under the cut.

Everytime I see people talk about this movie I see them say things like "If you dont get it be glad you've never felt grief or pain like this." I hate it because its said as if you should feel bad because you've never experienced trauma like this.

You shouldnt ever compare trauma whether you have it or not. Pain is pain. Now as someone who HAS experienced grief, loss, and heavy mother wounds this movie hits home for me and if you dont know what Maria and Michael are going through on this level... it really is a blessing.

And yes I'm including Michael. Both characters have unresolved mother trauma and it shows. Maria and Michael are not a "couple" anyone should aspire to be. As a boy who was abandoned by his mom from birth hes not only looking for someone to love him unconditionally but someone to take care of. Like me I assume he believes "If I take care of her and please her she'll finally accept me and I'll be worthy of love."

For Maria, Michael and even her best friend remind her of the "happy" memories she has with her mom. Because shes ignored them so to speak for 10 years shes being bombarded and doesnt know how to handle all those emotions. Essentially Maria is still in that 8 year old mind set.

Both are perfect for each other in a toxic way and feed off that energy negatively.

As some one who left my abusive biological parent at 13 I ignored that trauma to until my dads sudden death knocked all those memories back into my conscious and I had to learn how to handle them. I didnt do it well at first pushing myself to almost unaliving myself.

It took almost 7 years and another death in my life to trigger the need to fully heal. I'm still healing. The hardest bit for me is still clinging to those "good memories". Memories where my bio mom made me feel loved and happy mixed in my sea of chaos and abuse.

If I have those memories... it must mean she loved me at one time right? That my experience wasnt THAT bad. I think that's why this last scene hits so hard. A part of me wants to just live in the "good" memories and continue to scream "Why cant you love me?! Is it that hard to love me?!"

Jesus... thankfully I found a Michelle of my own who helps with that mother wound and I have no problem being any of yall surrogate mama❤. You are not alone.

It's ok to feel what you're feeling and it's ok to heal at your own pace. Your feelings are valid.

I love this movie. Saura and Joseph are absolutely amazing and their chemistry really works so well with the material. I geniuenly hope this helped Luna heal❤.

[solar-halos]

i’m about to have a hater moment

basically i wanna write another umbrella academy fanfic. so obviously this got me thinking about the umbrella academy. and then this got me thinking about how they absolutely destroyed our girl allison. like they really said let’s have one of the very few poc characters we have on the show assault another character. and then they really had diego tell allison “i don’t think the rest of our (white) siblings really understood how hard it was for us in the 60s” without actually fucking showing us the hardships diego faced for being a man of color in the 60s. like what? they covered the civil rights movement which now that im thinking about it was probably just bc they had to like if they could get away w skipping it i 100% believe that they would. diego literally called grace Mom (bc that’s his Mom) and all grace did was smile at him funny and go “you have no fucking game.” like okay writers producers directors WHOEVER at the umbrella academy maybe if u wanted to show how hard it was for diego in the 60s u could have had grace go wayyy harder on him and had him kicked out of the party and then it’d be this whole thing as he and lila try to sneak back in but nooo apparently retconning everything was the way to go

this rant was also partly inspired by the stranger things controversy. like i had a whole long post about this that i deleted but i had literally never heard anyone talk about racism in this fandom (to this degree!) until argyle’s actor wasnt invited back onto s5. then all of a sudden posts that are like “lucas doesn’t have an actual developed storyline like the white characters” are getting SO many notes, and it’s good that they are bc more people are actually paying attention, but did it seriously take a comedic relief character that got randomly introduced in the latter half of the shows running to get yall to care about racism? and if anything the fact that argyle is the comedic relief best friend to the white main character who is high all the fucking time is racist in itself but whatever. that show had so much potential it’s such a shame s5 doesn’t exist

anyway i also made a reallyyy long post about the umbrella academy portion of the rant but now that the last season is so close (like months and months away) im lowkey hoping they actually do retcon that scene?? i mean allison and luther’s relationship in general is to showcase how these characters didn’t have a normal upbringing and the assault scene expanded on that but the aftermath was handled so poorly. “im sorry” “nah it’s ok don’t worry about it” guys i know we were in a time crunch but if ur gonna have something so heavy u can’t just fucking dismiss it like that. even ella enchanted had a scene where the prince was like “kiss me” “okay” “i’m not giving you an order… just a request” “i know.” like im fucking sorry but if ur gonna make allison go thru that sort of arc u need to do it right. but also i’m a very negative person (cringe) so take all my complaints with a grain of salt

[some-ghost-we-will-call-i]

im really sick. ive been sick for a week and a half, i went to the doctor last saturday and they basically tested me for strep and covid and when both were negative said they couldnt do anything. but today, very suddenly, over dinner, this bump showed up behind my ear and it hurts bad and feels hard and hot. and after getting home, i took my temp and it is warmer than it should be (not a fever tho)

so anyway because of all that, i asked to go to urgent care to get checked out again. and my dad decided he wants to sort out the insurance thing first. which should have been done a month and a half ago. we knew i was turning 26, i told him i wouldnt be able to find a job in time AND that its gonna be somewhere from 30-90 days from when i start the job to when i get benefits anyway. and again, last saturday he took me to the doctor because i was sick. and that still wasnt enough for him to help me

and the worst part is, i cant afford to do it myself right now. i dont have the money to do it. so im like. in pain and feel horrible and i literally cant do anything about it

all of that to say its super triggering to me because i never actually got taken care of when i was sick as a kid. and i cant do anything to solve the problem myself either

[cunninghamchrissie]

it wasnt bait. im a fan of grace. been one for a few years.

i know its none of my business what she does with her life. and im glad that shes happy streaming and doing cons and what have you. but i also think shes super talented as an actress. and i understand why shes taking a break and i know its selfish to think this but a part of me misses seeing her post about her projects and all the different roles shes playing. and i know that its her choice and what makes her happy but i just cant shake this feeling that shes not coming back to acting and it kinda makes me sad and i know it's awful to think that but yeah

alright i’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on this, i’m just jaded from nearly a year of constant harassment from antis, and some of the worst ones being anons/blogs on tumblr

and i get it, if you’re a fan of someone bc of one thing and they take a break from it, you’re gonna be upset and disappointed bc you want to see more of them on that thing, but i think constantly putting it out there in places she can see (like here and twitter) that she’s not coming back (when that’s not what she said) is just more likely to backfire and make her want to stay away even longer, esp since her reasoning for taking a break is being sexually harassed on set and feeling unsafe. it’s gotta suck to admit smth isn’t good for your mental health right now and have ppl say “yeah but still! i like it when you do it!”

i don’t think ppl mean it badly when they say that, i don’t think they’re bad ppl for saying it, they’re just trying to support her career since that’s why like 99% of ppl who follow her know her for, i just see how that can be interpreted another way too

it reminds me a little of when ppl go to fic authors and say “hey when’s the next update when’s the next fic i want more when does your hiatus end???” i know if i were getting that constantly i’d avoid updating out of spite esp if i were taking a break bc of mental health

and i know streaming is toxic af but it seems to be making her happy and not negatively impacting her right now and i just hope she gets better mods to handle her chat

she still has movies to come out and she’s announced this “break” so recently, and she’s said over and over that she’s not quitting. there’s not rly a lot we can do besides show excitement when she does mention acting or even directing/producing again

[m-o-n-o-c-h-r-o-m-e]

Also, the only real problem with the TADC fandom is that it grew too fast and just did a bad first imprecion, and if youre gonna bring up the "gr0mm3r jax" thing, that was bait.

I want you to look me dead in the eyes and tell me that was made by a real fan of the show who loves the characters and that OBVIOUSLY wasnt trying to makes us look like BAD and EVIL people!! Nuh uh how could they!!

When TADC pilot came out, it exploded in popularity, it was everywhere!

So the people that the show wasnt really their thing (or just people who didnt like it b'cuz its popular) eventually started to grow annoyed with the show and its fans, and ive seen them develop a cringe cuture around it too.

Some side effects of this can be:

Shiting HARD on the show/fans for every. Single. Lil. Flaw. They can think of

Hours long video essay made by White Boy (tm) with a title like "IS THE DIGITAL CIRCUS GOOD??" And the thumbnail responding to the title with somthing like "NUH UH" then show no actual critisism

People who hate the fandom trying to make the fans look bad with bait (like the jax gr0mm3r thing)

Other fans police other fans to keep the fandom """pure""""

People IN the fandom getting war flashbacks and thinking the fandom is already going bad.

The last one relating the a thing i said in the previous post i did, so you know what im about to say.

Fans become too worried about the fandom.

Other fans police other people for anything trying to keep the fandom """pure"""

This creates a tense air around everything fan-made (bad for mental health) (posible hair loss)

This somehow leads to more "odd stuff" from the actual fans

And so the cycle begins.

The cycle of consuming and being consumed.

Its all conected.

Im not sure how TADC exploded in popularity day one but its not our fault.

SO REMEMBER KIDS!!!!

Enjoy what you like :D cringe culture is dead and so is god, we are all going to die eventually so dont waste it being negative!!!

Throw bricks at a cop while you are at it too!!!

people say the "welcome home fandom" because their fandom went downhill with aus about illegal stuff and weird ships, and they think yours (Digital circus) will go through the same idk why

please behave...

[b0mblover]

It’ll be Okay in the End

By: J

cw; selfharm, generally negative thoughts, blood (etc everything that comes with sh)

lopt essentially has a silent breakdown and mason comforts him or smth idk im not good at summeries,

[Note; this was wrote out of my own desperation for comfort, not romanizing sh, i do not encourage or believe anyone should do this to themselves, seek help.]

i uh, actually had a easier time writing this than most things, probably because ive been essentially replaying this whole scene in my head for literal years! i for once wasnt upset when i wrote this, i was very tired tho! uh i have alot more to say but hawaii part ii lopt is taking over my brain again, so im gonna go do that! have fun with my depressed 100% projected loptson ig!

•

lopt was in ‘his’ so called room, scribbling away at some paper,

mason was rather concerned, hearing frustrated noises constantly, what sounded like pencils breaking,

they had been “partners” officially for 3 months now, mason had always cared about lopt to an extent, partner or not, but this was… odd.

sure lopt had his own life, hobbies, but he didnt care to keep /that/ much from mason, especially whenever he asked,

but, this was different.

lopt had came home from wherever the fuck he was- hell if mason knew details- annoyed, he stormed off to some room, when mason tried to ask what was wrong he only blew him off saying that “its none of your fucking business, you wouldnt get it anyways”

•

lopt was scribbling away in his notepad, despite being a god and literally being immortal, he still couldnt force creativity to come to him,

it was his fifth time trying,

most drawings resulted in poorly scribbled out lines,

he had went out to try and get inspiration for “some project” though he didnt really /have/ anything to work on, starting a new drawing always seemed to be a block for him,

he sat down his broken (6b) pencil, (rather violently but he didnt want to acknowledge that) and got up, he knew somewhere in him, that he needed a break, he walked out of his room to get water, but his mind wouldnt leave him alone,

constant thoughts about how awful his art was spewed around

“youre not “talented”, youre worthless”

“itd be better to quit now”

“just rip up the damn papers, theyre ugly anyways”

“imagine- you could just go and alleviate all this pain, just with that knife-“

he tried to push down his thoughts,

grabbing a cup from the cabinet and filling it with water,

the knives in the butcher block seemed so… tempting,

most of him /knew/ that he shouldnt- that it was wrong, that mason would be disappointed- disgusted, if he found out about his thoughts,

but, he couldnt help it,

all memories of the nights he got up from their bed to take part in something that would disgust his partner made him sick.

questions runned through his head as he sipped on his water, leaning onto the counter

“would he be sad?”

“would he care?”

“would he call me names?”

“tell me how pathetic i am?”

“leave me?”

“would he hate me?”

“tell me how ugly my body is”

“tell me how he hates the scars”

“tell me just how much he despises me”

the voices grew louder wither every question,

saying that he wanted mason to hate him,

that he did hate him,

in the very back of lopts mind, in the tiniest corner, he knew it all wasnt true, that he was being dramatic over nothing,

but even then, the memories of all the times he loved someone- all the times he didnt question if they hated him, what they all said to him,

he felt like doubting himself was the only way to have them not leave,

to not abandon him,

he took a deep breath before sighing, realizing his cup was empty, he decided that he had enough of a “break” and that he needed to start “working” again,

•

mason was sitting on the couch, some random tv show playing for background noise, when lopt wasnt “there” it was almost too quiet, in a way, mason had grown to love how loud and chaotic the house was with lopt- even if thery were the only two people in it.

he seen lopt walk into the kitchen for around 8~ minutes before he trudged his way into his room once more,

he didnt know excatly as to what lopt was doing,

granted whatever it was had to have been important, he didnt usually spend 3+ hours in a room alone silently, it started to make him worry, was lopt sick? just why did he seem so upset when he came home? is he okay? did he hurt himself?

•

lopt sat down at his desk once more, staring at the scribbled page, a sphere, he couldnt figure out how to shade it properly on the background,

he sighed turning his attention to the top left drawer,

he stood up walking over to his dresser, pulling out another drawer, he took out a roll of bandages, and some tissues, 

he knew that he shouldnt, that it was essentially pointless, that hed feel better soon enough,

but that fear crept back up,

“what about last time you didnt? remember? it got only worse because you didnt”

he rubbed the sides of his nose bridge, the voices were annoying, they knew that he was gonna, even without the encouragement.

he sat back down at his desk, sitting the tissues to his right and the badages to his left before pulling out the left hand drawer,

he rummaged through it, various miscellaneous items, before coming across a box,

a red box, seemingly quiet old, with yellow letters reading “do it” on the front,

he took one out, ‘unwrapping’ the razor blade,

straight edge,

he stared at it, contemplating just what hes doing with his life,

“i cant draw, i cant write, i cant make people happy, i cant make music, i can only recite the tales others have told, im worthless, im doless, i will never amount to anything or anyone in my life, god or not, human or not, this is deserved, if i cannot create, then i at lease deserve to bleed”

a mantra he told himself, attempting to poorly justify his actions,

•

mason listened at the door, hearing nothing, no pencil, no walking, almost no breathing, he didnt know everything about lopt, sure, but he knew that he didnt look well off, and what boyfriend would he be to his partner if he wasnt concerned?

they had an unspoken rule to always at least knock before walking into the others space, granted they had seen every part of each other, it was just a courtesy they had, 

though, something felt off,

mason felt as if he shouldnt knock, that lopt was hiding something,

all those sleepless nights where lopt comforted him abundantly, he had felt him get up, a few times he had caught lopt in the basement, he didnt know just what he was doing, he always hid something,

he didnt want to break any boundaries sure, thatd be rude and disrespectful, but, he had a weird feeling in his gut that it was for lopts own saftey,

“please forgive me for this” he muttered to himself,

sharply inhaling before opening the door,

simply greeted by lopts back.

•

lopt heard the door open, he had three lines going diagonally down his right arm, bleeding, he fumbled the razor, dropping it onto the floor, it had gotten rather dark by now, so it probably wouldnt be seen, he attempted to get the tissues, he had always been a great liar,

“ill just say i accidentally cut myself, if he asks what i was doing with a weapon, ill deflect and say i was being stupid”

it seems like he fumbled the tissues for a bit too long.

“hey”

mason said over his shoulder,

he moved his left hand to cover the cuts,

“o-oh, hey, whats wrong?”

“hm, well, i mean nothing? i guess, what are you doing?”

“i- you guess? is something the matter?”

mason had noticed he was oddly covering his forearm,

“you ignored my question.”

“huh?”

“i asked what youre doing.”

masons tone sounded alot more pissed off, granted he wasnt, just concered more than anything,

“o-oh i um, ok dont laugh but uh- i was trying to draw”

“and why are you covering your arm? are you hurt?”

“i- huh? wh- no, no! i uh, may have also been playing with a blade and accidentally scraped myself, nothing much”

“let me see”

“what?”

“let me see your injury”

lopt was taken aback, all of his previous partners never asked to see his wounds, scars sure but never his wounds, even if they werent self inflicted, he was shocked, he hadnt planned for this.

“i- i assure you dear, it isnt anything to worry about-“

“let me see it. are you hiding something?”

in that moment lopt felt small, like a child almost, weak, helpless, he didnt know how he could get out of this without mason either finding out or being suspicious of him.

“i- here”

lopt moved his left arm to mason, there were a few small cuts on it, though rather old looking,

lopt moved his right arm off the table, into the shadows to not call attention to it.

“uh huh, now the other?”

lopt seen his eternal life flash before his very eyes.

his mind went on autopilot and raised his right arm, he usually would fight but, he knew itd be pointless, mason would just worry more, thus making him keep a closer eye on lopt, he didnt want to feel selfish, not like that,

“oh my, i- oh my god,”

mason was shocked, he had suspected that lopt had hurt himself in the past, granted the scars,

but, he didnt think he still did it, sure the weird behavior, but it never really dawned on him until that moment.

.

mason had brought (more like dragged) lopt to the bathroom, running the slits under cool water, putting pressure to hopefully get the bleeding under control, he opened the cabinet under the sink and pulled out another roll of bandages,

he stood behind lopt washing the blood off, still slightly in shock,

“why?”

“huh?”

“why do you do this?”

masom questioned, fully aware of the long list lopt was about to give out,

“i- well, i dunno..”

lopts voice trailed off before starting again,

“i mean, i dont even know why i do this, it just feels good? like i can do something right? it makes me feel like im not worthless”

mason hummed for a second before choosing his words

“do you feel normally that youre worthless?”

“i guess so, i dont know why, i have the best boyfriend, my life is great, i just dont know..”

“mmhm, what were you trying to draw?”

“i dont know. does it matter?”

lopt shot back

“well, you seemed frustrated at it, so im sure it’s important to you yeah? so then it’s important to me”

mason brought his hands around lopts wrist, rubbing it slightly attempting to calm him down

“i- i dont know, i just, i feel frustrated, so i tried to draw, but drawing makes me feel more frustrated, so i did this- an- and n-now-“

lopt began to stutter, tears swelling up in his eyes, mason had only seen him cry on a few occasions,

“shh- shh its okay, i know what youre saying, breath, okay?”

lopt inhaled deeply, feeling masons left hand move to wipe the tears away,

he didnt even know why he was crying,

mason bandaged lopts arm slightly tight, 

“shh, now, you wanna talk about this? or wait a little bit longer to calm down?”

“c-calm down”

“alright alright, shh youre okay, see?”

mason lead lopt into his bedroom, taking lopts hand under the covers as he had done for him every sleepless night,

lopt could feel his eyelids starting to droop, the warmth of his boyfriend comforting him, the love of his boyfriend comforting him,

he shoved his head into masons chest, finding it to be the most comfortable spot out of the entire bed,

mason ruffled his hair, slowly stroking his hand on his neck,

“y’know, you may be a god,

and you may be immortal, but,

ill be with you for as long as you need, in this life and after”

lopt didnt respond, just slightly nodded his head before burrying it deeper into masons chest, 

maybe tonight wasnt so bad after all,

spending time with mason- no, his boyfriend, was never bad.

lopt faded in and out of sleep, trying to fight the melatonin being produced, just to feel the sweet touch of his boyfriends skin, before he completely felt himself drift away, he heard him speak,

“I love you, i love you so much, never forget that, in this life and the next, ill always love you, lopt.”

[malinelle]

the thing with the breakdancing dad thing is like . for clarify i am in almost the same situation as ppl think shes in i was raised by my mom who was financially neglecting me and cutting my dad off from me when he wanted to see me and she was taking the child support money he was paying her to spend on herself i am the person who is the most in a position to sympathize with him but like i just dont. bec okay

that wasnt that many videos and the fact that its all holidays and special events isnt at all contradictory with 'he was there for some big events but he wasnt There in our lives', and the fact that this is also just like how home videos tend to work makes them really not convincing "evidence" of a happy childhood. like were u expecting to see videos of her saying she fucking hates her dad and hes never there for her To The Camera. when i was with my moms side of the family obviously you smile for pictures and act cute in front of the camera bc they get mad at you if you dont! also hes REALLY invading their privacy by posting videos that arent even of her and are instead of his other kids who literally have nothing to do with this. ALSO childhood evidence is always going to be skewed in the parent's favor bc the kid straight up isnt old enough to rly be able to advocate for themselves. notice how the videos switch to photos as she gets older meaning we have no idea how they interacted when they talked and the one text message she shows is them interacting rly awkwardly like two distant acquaintances

man fuck this dude for calling it "brainwashing". like Again it literally happened to me my mom was lying to me to steal money that was meant for us but he could just. say that. the concrete thing she did wrong. instead of being like It Was The Genders.

theres no proof that he paid anything. he said millions but like he just said that. people can lie. very silly and quirky that he has video evidence of his 10 yr old kid talking about youtube as definitive proof he was a loving father but he cant figure out how to censor one of the bajillion emails they send you when you pay medical bills. tbc i dont rly think he shouldve posted either bc again sensitive information but if youre gonna doxx your kids at least do it in a way that looks less like youre trying to use unreliable footage to make an emotional appeal over the Factual Innacuracies. same thing with screenshots of all the insane bitchy things your daughter and wife are totally saying

the most damning thing: dude you have your daughters phone number. if you really had a good relationship and she was exaggerating to make a story funnier you wouldve messaged her like "??? we made lasagna together last week why didnt you tell me i abandoned you at your mothers doorstep" and she wouldve been like "im sorry father i sold you out for views" and then she wouldve made a video breaking keyfabe. personally i dont believe women are insane gender-brainwashed lunatics so i figure she had her reasons

he stresses their politics differ a lot so my actual projection is that i figure madi as a kid was fine with her dad only showing up for holidays and not really being around and wasnt really thinking about money stuff but then as she grew up she started re-examining their relationship and drifted away from him as he became a sexist bitcoin breakdancer and so eventually she had a negative enough view of him to make a pretty uncharitable video bc if you and your dad had a huge argument over him being a sexist bitcoin breakdancer and then you saw a tiktok challenge about funny trauma you might very well think "oh man. the fact that my dad divorced my mom and then started a breakdancing career is funny as hell. im going to flatten this fairly complicated family history to fit into a tiktok" and then when her dad who she doesnt like anymore made a public response she doubled down bc fuck that guy he hates women. its not like shes sending hitmen to his front door she made a mean tiktok. ppl are acting like this has destroyed his reputation but im gonna go out on a limb and say that the ppl making fun of him for being a deadbeat dad are probably not ppl who otherwise wouldve been fans of a sexist bitcoin breakdancer. i think his core audience was never gonna be shattered by this which i am more sure of bc even before he posted a reply bitcoin bros were gathering around him like protective mother birds. if he didnt want his daughter to disrespect him and re-examine his treatment of her as an adult with a more critical eye, personally i would suggest he be nicer to his daughter and not call her brainwashed or talk about how its all genders fault. i think that would really help convince her to have a more positive view of him