#i really want to write complex things again
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concreteangel92 · 2 days ago
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Thou Shalt Not Kill - Chapter 12
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AU Noah Sebastian x detective female reader
18+
Summary: Reader is a detective and is assigned to a murder case which she soon connects with previous killings and figures out the religious affiliation, proving there is a new serial killer within the city. Reader soon becomes obsessed with the killers mind and methods and won’t rest until she figures out who the killer is. All while she gets used to working with her new partner on the case, detective Noah Davis.
Warnings: graphic writings of murder/killings, blood, gore, violence, serial killer, swearing, god complex, use of religion, stockholm syndrome, mentions of the death of a parent
Here we go, things are going to start heating up again now and I’m so excited!! Only 6 chapters left 🤭
Please let me know your thoughts, it honestly makes me so happy reading all your comments/reviews 🖤
Story Tags: @lacy1986 @hayleylatour @thatchickwiththecamera @calleyx13 @english-fucker @malerieee @ithoughtbynowidfeelbetter @softvgold @lilhobgobbler @glccmreid @badomensls @madomens @loeytuan98 @iluvmewwwww75 @rosebushjhj @livingdeceasedgirl @lilrubles @samanthasgone @blackveilomens @hellayeahsworld @lookwhatitcost @doomhands-jr @nojoyontheburn @poisongirl616 @bakanerd @sacredthefran @flowery-mess @fadingangelwisp @theanarchymuse95 @1toreyouapart @xxkatsatwatwafflexx @overmydeadbodysblog @concretejunglefm @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @sister-sebastian @alwaysfightforwhoyouare
Let me know if you wish to be added! This is separate to my permanent Noah taglist due to the content within the story!
Chapter Index Here
Masterlist
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The next few days had gone by very uneventfully. Noah had been gone more than normal however, not coming in until much later in the evening and not saying what he’d been up to during that time.
The thought had you on edge, you knew he wasn’t finished with his work, had he been killing again?
Being so cut off from the rest of the world down here, you’d never know unless he told you….however you were certain he wouldn’t resist bragging about his latest kill to you if he had.
You wondered if people were looking for you yet, surely someone must have noticed you were missing? Then again, you were married to your job. Over the years you’d distanced yourself from most of your old friends due to the long hours at work, so focused on the cases on your desk that people stopped inviting you out to things, only so many times people will keep trying when you constantly say ‘no’ or ‘sorry I’m working’.
The last few months played heavy on your mind, everything that had happened since that day the first case was assigned to you.
Your feelings for Noah was something you couldn’t deny or ignore, you knew it was wrong, it was sick but you couldn’t stop thinking about him, as your partner and your friend. The only man in recent years who actually saw you, who believed in you.
Did you even want to be found?
That was something else that had been going through your mind. What did you really have waiting for you?
But what did you expect to happen if you stayed? You knew Noah wouldn’t keep you locked down here forever, you knew on some level that you couldn’t trust him…but that was the problem…in some ways, you trusted him more then the people you had around you at the station.
“I wonder what he truly intends to do with me…”
You suddenly heard the commotion of Noah coming down the stairs, so much louder than normal, like he was bringing something down with him.
The sound of the locks turning and the heavy door creaking open slightly reached your ears as you waited to see him appear, twiddling your fingers together as you stood on the spot.
Noah’s masked face came around the door, his breathing more laboured than usual. He brought his gloved hand up to his mask and pulled it off his head and tossing it carelessly to the side, his hair falling around his face which held a sinister but satisfied grin like he was extremely pleased with himself.
“Hello angel, I have a surprise for you”
Your brows frowned as a knot started to form within the pit of your stomach, feeling something was definitely wrong.
“Bring that chair over here”
It was an order, not a request.
Noah swung the door open wider and you gasped as you saw Noah dragging a body into the room, a dark sack type bag covering the face, but you could tell from the persons build that it was a man. A man who was very much alive as he struggled against Noah’s strong hold.
You stared in shock until he shot you a sharp look and you quickly turned and grabbed the chair by the desk and pulled it over to where he was standing, the man still struggling in his grasp.
“Shh, shh, shhh”
Watching Noah shushing the man so casually in his ear sent a chill down your spine.
Noah manhandled him until he was sat in the chair and he tied his arms tightly around the back of the seat, the man making muffled noises from under the sack.
You felt the knot grow as your voice was lost, a nauseous wave hitting you hard, what was about to happen?
“There we go, make yourself comfortable”
Noah turned back to you, that sickening smile still present.
“What’s the matter angel? You look nervous?”
You swallowed the lump in your throat before you found your voice again.
“Wha…what’s going on?”
Noah opened his arms wide and gestured to the man.
“I told you that I had something planned for you angel”
You had no idea what was happening, nothing was making sense.
“I don’t understand…”
Noah’s smile grew as he approached you and cupped your cheeks in his gloved hands as he stared down at you.
“Then how about I just show you…”
Noah smirked as he stepped back, he reached over and grabbed the sack and yanked it off his head, the identity of the man being revealed.
And your blood ran cold.
Tied up in front of you was a man called Ethan Collins. The man who killed your father.
FLASHBACK
You were sitting at your desk in your office doing some research for the case, sipping on your half cold coffee every so often.
Noah was sat next to you, typing away on his own laptop before he yawned and stretched his tall body out.
“Well I feel like I’m going cross eyed”
You giggled at his statement as you turned to him, giving your own eyes a rest, you had both been going over old cold cases for hours now to see if there was any connections but so far, nothing.
“Maybe 10 minutes away from the screens wouldn’t hurt”
Noah nodded and downed the rest of his cup, grimacing at the cold liquid.
“Perfect time to get more coffee as well”
You finished yours, not particularly bothered that it was basically cold.
You set the cup back down next to the photo on your desk, causing Noah to follow your movements.
“That you and your dad?”
You glanced at the photo, a heavy feeling settling instantly within your chest as you smiled softly as you saw your younger self, somewhere around the age of 8 on your dads back as he gave you a piggyback ride, your arms wrapped securely around his neck as you both beamed at the camera.
“Yeah. That’s one of my favourite photos of us together”
Noah smiled as he looked over the picture.
“He really would be so proud of you detective”
You shook your head softly.
“Maybe, but…I’ve always felt like I’ve let him down”
Noah frowned as he looked at you.
“Why’s that?”
You took a deep breath before you answered.
“Because his killer got away with it…I told you that he was killed on duty? My dad had been after this guy for a while, all petty crime shit you know? The night my dad caught him robbing someone red handed, he shot him down” you took another breath and steadied your voice before continuing. “I know who he is, everyone here at the station did…but there wasn’t enough evidence as he had a ‘watertight alibi’ from his cronies and so the jury let him off”
Noah’s hand came to rest on top of your own gently.
“I’m sorry”
You looked up at him and felt your eyes welling up.
“I just wanted my dad to have some justice, I wanted that bastard to pay for what he did…and yet still he walks free to this day…I failed him”
Noah shook his head.
“Now you listen to me, you never failed him, the system failed him, failed you. Your dad would be so proud of everything you have become and what you’ve accomplished at this station, you’ve carried on his legacy for him and made a name for yourself”
You smiled and wiped a tear away that had fallen down your cheek before you pulled away and tried to compose your emotions.
“I hope so”
You went to go back to your laptop when Noah spoke again.
“What was his name?”
“Huh?”
You turned to him confused.
“The man who killed your father, what was his name?”
You felt your blood boil at the mere thought of that man’s name.
“Ethan Collins”
END OF FLASHBACK
You felt your body shaking as you stared at your father’s killer tied up in front of you.
Ethan’s scared eyes looked up and met yours and he tried to speak through the gag in his mouth, clearly begging for help as he struggled against his restraints.
It was obvious he had no idea who you were.
Suddenly you felt like a little girl again. A little girl who was yearning for her dad. A wave of emotions flooded your body, not knowing which one you were feeling more.
Shock, sadness, fear, anger, the gut wrenching pain of the loss of your dad feeling as strong as the day you were told he was gone.
Noah stayed quiet as he allowed you to take it all in, his eyes never leaving your face.
You tried to gain some control over your thoughts as you finally turned to Noah.
“Wha…what the fuck is this?!”
Noah smiled.
“Your surprise angel. You’re ready”
“Ready for what?!”
Noah’s smile grew as he pulled one of his knifes out of his jacket pocket, flicking the blade open.
“To help me finish my work…you’re going to kill him”
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rapidhighway · 13 hours ago
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I like to think that if metal wasn't yknow, metal, he would go out of his way to NOT hate sonic. Not out of gratitude or anything but because he was programmed to hate sonic by eggman and he is so spiteful he refuses to hate sonic on principle just to piss off eggman. Sonic is like "hey! Now you're not a robot do you wanna go get lunch?" And metal is like (fists clenched so hard it hurts) (teeth grinding) "ok Bud" (death glare) sonic just thinks he doesn't know how to emote anything but anger but no thats just because he's talking to sonic. Existing around sonic pisses him off so much but hes like WE ARE FRIENDS. I DON'T HATE HIM. FUCK YOU, PROGRAMMING. I DO WHAT I WANT <- so mad his heart hurts
I think that's a pretty fun hc and it would be interesting but personally it opposes my own key hcs about Metal Sonic.
I like to think that he is not completely a slave to his programming or more like, there is actually a person in there, and not just a sentient robot but something strange, like a mix between metal and organic, just inherently, because of the way Metal was made (with Sonic's biodata - and Sonic is already weird on like a, metaphysical plane, he's like the universe's special guy).
I think him being a copy of Sonic specifically makes Metal a weird anomaly in the world and allows him more of a mind of his own and kind of a 'soul' or an 'energy' of an organic being. Similar to your hc I kind of treat programming Metal as a kind of mind control that he can fight off, but he doesn't because he doesn't really want to because the part of him that is capable of breaking free is conditioned by Eggman. Plus Metal's obsession with being the real Sonic and such.
(Due to all this I really like @/generic-sonic-fan's take on this in their fanfic Complex Inquiries, where Metal concludes that the way to move forward and be free to do whatever it wants is to just go its own way and never see Sonic again, just find a life that's completely away from Sonic etc, I really liked that.)
I actually think, that since Metal is used to being just angry and mostly only feeling hate all the time, with complete free will he would start defaulting to that. (he'd even hate Sonic for one more reason and that's for causing him to lose his robotic form - a thing he'd actually secretly wished to happen but once he is organic, he realizes it sucks and doesn't help him defeat Sonic at all, and his free will only confuses him more lmao, do here's an additional reason to despise Sonic)
But Metal trying to befriend Sonic despite everything just to experiment with breaking his mess of a brain after becoming free from his programming is a really interesting idea and I actually don't think it couldn't happen, I just don't think it would last lmao. Unless Metal worked very hard to forge himself a new identity that doesn't revolve around Sonic, but I don't think he would for a very long time.. He is literally too stubborn (just like sonic ^^) to give up his own identity like that. It means too much to him (just like Sonic ^^) But like, your idea would still be possible if, but it would take a whileeee, and idk if Metal, once he's trying to do his own thing and trying to get an identity, would be happy about completely siding with Sonic. He just needs something of his own that doesn't include Sonic or Eggman...
Ughh okay this is long, I just think it would take Metal a while to not be a shaking ball of hate about everything and everyone... And that his actions and personality as Eggman's henchman and evil robot run deeper than just his programming. And I'm not even saying I would write about Metal leaving Sonic completely behind to start leading a life of free will, I need him to stay and be center of the attention until he dies a horrible death or something idk yet xd so he wouldn't figure that out very quickly.
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maochira · 1 year ago
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I really want to write requests but then I try to work on one that's just slightly complex and I have no ideas at all and then I stress myself and I get frustrated for not being able to write complex things anymore and I just. I'm sorry I might end up only writing 1 or 2 of the 12 requests I've been keeping in my inbox
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fagulaa · 28 days ago
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Something I really love about the Silt Verses is how, in a world of gods and monsters, how grounded Faulkner's trauma [and relationship with his father] is. Especially as the season moves on, and the stakes amp up [and up] its so unexpectedly piercing to be presented with this exploration of childhood abandonment/negligence, inter-generational trauma, the indignities and stress that comes with unexpected elder care/early onset Alzheimer's. You're so locked in to these grander, more abstract concepts that your defenses are down! Mine were, anyway. TSV is so good at cutting its grand, complex plotlines with simpler [but not shallower] gutpunches, and it just grounds the whole thing.
#the silt verses#other moments on the list#[the list being small but emotionally devistating grounded moments]#include: the lights coming back on in the aftermath of the strike during hayward and carpenters conversation#and you just. intuit the devistation#after all that. after all the fighting and protest. the lights come back on. you can HEAR the screaming in the silence#Faulkner's whole elder care thing with his dad#where he has to reckon with him as a person who made mistakes#and put his own resolution aside to take care of a man he had complex feelings for#also the Faulkner's dad/trawlerman connection is crazy to me its crazy#oh you want to worship the god with the garden do you faulkner#you want to be this gods enterpriter and favorite#what did your father do again?#oh also the god rocket scene#where we are put in the place of a sacrifice#the claustrophobia! the fear! the tinned patriotic speech! the narrowing down to a needle point of the overall themes of the story#the fucking microcosm of it all!#all the sandwhich shop scenes#the whole hotel episode#charity in the pub running for her life because CARPENTER reappears#also love how interconnected everything is#both carpenter and page knowing von#running back into charity#fantastic writing all round it's all so fucking TIGHT my god#the prose is killer the pacing is killer the acting is killer the STRUCTURE is killer#its just a fucking masterclass of storytelling like its just. GREAT#top to bottom.#like the sheer skill involved in making something like TSV#on all levels#is incredible I really do admire it
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shannonsketches · 9 months ago
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Why is the anime so weird, it's not even the same series dude?? It's like,
Anime:
GOKU: I have a great idea to bring peace to the universe, and my leadership and compassion alone will unite us all. I have No Flaws and am A True Relatable Everyman :)
VEGETA: NO! I AM THE BEST AND I WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS UNTIL I AM RECOGNIZED AS SUCH!!!!
Manga:
GOKU: Vegeta what's cornmeal made of? I know it's what the corn eats, but what's it made of? VEGETA: Hey Kakarot let's play the quiet game until one of us dies.
#dbtag#I do not understand this writing it's so bad aklsdlkasjd#Toei wants Goku to be Clark Kent SO bad and he SO isn't lmao#they're so good and dumb and rounded and complex in the manga what is the anime so afraid of#Toriyama said 'no no this man is a detached faux-immortal who has a dear pure heart but he's childlike and selfish even though he's kind'#and toei went 'got it goku's never done anything wrong ever in his life'#toriyama said 'Vegeta's gone through a lot and he's finally settling into his more mature leadership role with the confidence he's earned'#and toei said 'got it vegeta has the confidence of a high school bully except now he can interact with his family as a comedy bit'#girl hWHAT#Toei trying to group Goku and Vegeta as two people who would rather train than be with their families and Toriyama said NO Vegeta wants#to be HOME this is the first time in years that he's HAD ONE and it makes him HAPPY to be with his wife and children!!#Vegeta trains so that he can protect the things he doesn't want to lose again and Goku trains because it's the thing that makes him happies#They are NOT the same lmao And yeah Vegeta still wants to beat Goku but he also knows that Gohan could dogwalk both of them if he wanted#He also knows Trunks and Goten are going to surpass them it's not about being the best anymore he's past that he just wants to Not Need Gok#He just doesn't want to have to rely on Goku to save the day he wants to be Enough on his own he just wants to know he can be#because every time it's mattered he WASN'T and people he loved were lost to his inability to protect them and he carries that#Like Whis diagnosed him with anxiety and cptsd out in the open and Beerus said he was self-centered for feeling guilt#+ he lowkey enjoys the rivalry it keeps him goal-oriented so he can't get complacent and lazy which is what triggered his Buu Saga breakdow#realized how Fucked Up it was that having a home and loving family made him feel like he was failing and went 'wait no I won actually??'#now he's chill as fuck in the manga. cool confident leader.#and sometimes he is childish and dumb with Goku as a treat#you know what rocks about his rivalry with Goku in Super though is that it's Playful. Vegeta is learning how to Play.#You ever seen a shelter dog get introduced to a really playful dog and it takes a minute for the shelter dog to understand it's safe here#And then they're both running around the backyard playing hot potato with one braincell?? That's Goku and Vegeta's relationship#and the way the anime sleeps on that dynamic is so fucking criminal especially when it's literally canon it's in print it's out there#you had the playbook how'd you fumble it this bad#anyway that's my 25+ year blorbo thoughts I love Geets a lot okay#And I love Goku in the manga a lot I'd forgotten that he's actually a great character when Toei's not fucking up his whole vibe
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good-beanswrites · 1 year ago
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hii hiii is it alright if I request something with kotoko and haruka?(platonic ofc) their character foils drive me insane with all the weak stuff authngghn icant be normal about them
Oooh thank you so much for the request! I realized that these two actually have one of the smallest windows to talk easily, given Haruka's nervousness and Kotoko's T2 changes. They have such interesting approaches to strength/weakness, and I hope I could capture it a bit here! This takes place immediately following Kotoko's bday timeline after Harrow's release:
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“I’ll accept those birthday wishes…” Kotoko gave him a wave over her shoulder as she returned to making her bed.  
She shook her head in awe. It was rather impressive how quickly the boy had changed after his verdict. The others had more subtle differences, but he was someone entirely new. She could rest easy, at least, knowing that her verdict wouldn’t change her much. For as long as she could remember, she’d been like this. She knew where she stood, and neither guilty nor innocent verdict would affect that. This verdict was really only an indicator on whether the warden could be trusted or not. 
Her body tensed up when she turned back around, startled by Haruka lingering silently in the doorway. She decided against chastising him for scaring her half to death. Still, she couldn’t keep the bite from her voice as she asked, “did you need something else?”
“Ah… I just…” He twisted his hands together. “I had a question.” 
He fell silent, but Kotoko could tell he was chewing on his next words. She waited.
“H-how do you do it? All the time? You’re older and stronger and braver and I-I just don’t know how.”
“Give yourself some credit. I’m not that much older, or stronger. I only have, what -- two, three years on you? And you did very well in the arm wrestling tournament the other day.” 
She wasn’t being patronizing. For someone so sheltered, Haruka could do some damage. He stood a few inches taller than her. The others had taken the arm wrestling as a little game, but Kotoko had used the event to measure up her fellow prisoners. After his close match with Mikoto, she had made a mental note to take him seriously. 
“No…” his expression twitched, getting frustrated with the misunderstanding. “Not muscles. I mean… you don’t have someone like Muu. You don’t need someone next to you all the time. But you still talk with everyone… and it looks easy. All the time. You always know what to say, and what to do. You never look scared. You never cry.”
Kotoko’s smile softened. She wasn’t the prideful type, but his words gave her a wave of accomplishment. She certainly was scared. She did cry. But she wasn’t about to show a single crack in her resolve in front of anyone here. Haruka had given her the greatest of compliments by confirming her success.
“Ah, you mean strength of spirit. Well, that doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It comes with my purpose, with my virtues.”
“Virtues…?”
“I see the injustice around me, and want to protect the innocent. When I see how awful the world can be, when I see the monsters that are hurting those who are weak, I can’t help myself.” She clenched her fist. “The power to do so just comes to me.” 
“Oh…” Haruka looked down at his palms. 
Her heart sank, realizing he didn’t quite understand. It was a shame that not all of humanity could be as righteous as her. That heroic drive had always come so naturally to her; she wasn’t sure she could put it into words to explain to others.
Haruka’s open hands were trembling. “Um. Is there any other way?”
“Hm?”
“All my life… I only cause pain to everyone.” His worry gradually turned to desperation.” I hurt everyone who gets close to me. Especially things that are small and weak. My whole life, I’ve been nothing but a… a curse. So… is there another way? Please. I want to be better. I want to be strong! I want to be like you! Tell me!”
He stepped forward, pleading. Kotoko stepped back. 
His blue eyes widened at her sudden shift into defense. “Ah! I. I’m sorry. I’m-I’m sorry. It’s your birthday. You should be… Have a g-good day.”
“Wait.” Kotoko stopped him before he could flee. She was aware of the massive gap between them, the vastly different backgrounds they came from. Still, she offered the same advice that had helped her in her toughest of days. 
“Don’t worry so much about others’ strength. The quickest way to burn yourself out is getting overwhelmed with the power that’s all around you. Once you start putting all your focus toward honing your own skills and strengths, you’ll realize how much you’re truly capable of. You don’t need anyone else. You’ll realize that you are enough.”
“I… am enough…?”
She placed a hand firmly on his shoulder. 
“So, no need to get all worked up now, okay?” 
“O-okay. I’ll do my best.” He stiffened, trying to appear worthy of her words.
She let out a bitter laugh. “I told the others not to do anything for my birthday, but I don’t think they paid me any mind.” Kotoko still couldn’t fathom how they were so friendly with each other given the situation. “Let’s go see if there’s some cake or something.”
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melancholic-pigeon · 3 months ago
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Okay this is the *actual* last comment, for real, but I just found out Spider is now smearing me as a convert and accusing me of being involved with drama I was not involved with because he mistakenly attributed my apologies for his public temper tantrum as being about something unrelated.
THIS IS A FALSE ACCUSATION and I do not appreciate having yet another bit of fake malicious intent falsely ascribed to my actions and* attributing a completely unrelated attack to me.
Also, it's very sad and disappointing whenever a Jew gets mad at a convert because something else is going on in the Jew's life and the convert happens to be in the splash zone and the Jew falls over backwards to smear the convert and invalidate her faith.
Just....the childish aggression is making me so, so sad and disappointed, from someone I used to think very highly of, who is now lying about me and publicly smearing me with false accusations based on a conflict he started because he misinterpreted something I said and I went out of my way to give him the benefit of the doubt when trying to clear up the mistake HE MADE that led him to decide bullying and attacking me for three fucking days was appropriate and okay and that I'm the bad guy for saying it's wildly unprofessional to behave like this in public to a former customer face.
Sorry, but facts, reality, linear time and the truth of what I actually said and did are on my side here, and I will not stand for being smeared and attacked and shat all over because I had the gall to try to kindly resolve his uncalled for, unjustified temper tantrum.
I am also not sorry that I left a side note in the tags that it was also unacceptable for HIM to drag his daughter into a stupid internet slapfight based on his own reading comprehension failure. Because it was and is unacceptable, and she needs to hear that message from someone.
End of story. Keep digging that hole as long as you like, Spider. It's not helping your case and is continuing to make you look progressively worse and more unreasonable, and the only person you have to blame is yourself.
youtube
*revised for clarity
#don't buy from nerdykeppie#all receipts are under this tag#if you're so offended because my reporting on the things you say and do makes you look bad maybe the problem is you#this whole thing was completely needless#and yet he is continuing to DARVO me because he's pissed that his usual method of smugly lashing out at people over their poor reading#comprehension doesn't work when it's him who failed to comprehend what I wrote in the first place#also REAL FUCKING INCHRESTING that he's lying about me being involved in the jewvestigation of him so he responds by......jewvestigating me#lol#lashon hara. maybe he should study it sometime.#and maybe he'll learn warning others about poor behavior from a business so they don't waste their money there is not lashon hara#but honestly I doubt it because he's never going to let go of his desperate complex about always being the smartest raddest dude in the roo#it looks pathetic and I think he realizes that or he wouldn't have had such a dramatic extended meltdown over the things *he* said to *me*#I also still find it funny that he has conveniently forgotten to address the whole “hey bud your timeline doesn't add up” part#and I think that's because he knows if he were to address the proof that he didn't remember it correctly he would be forced to admit that h#threw a massive shitfit at someone for no reason because his memory got mixed up#so so funny that he can't come up with an answer for that#almost like! he knows he fucked up bigtime and is scrambling to make himself the victim!#also funny that “worrying about someone who was dragged into a fight by a bully” got twisted into sneakily scheming to turn her against him#I'm not a scheming plotter I'm worried because the behavior you showed your child in public was wildly inappropriate TO HER.#it's sad! It's fucking sad and embarrassing and hypocritical and immature and SAD!#but the pretend me other people are attacking because they made shit up is none of my business#if he wants to keep writing fanfic about me he can go right ahead#because again#the more he talks the worse he looks#the more he digs this hole the deeper he gets mired in his own muck#and it's not my job to bend over backwards to keep him from experiencing the natural consequences of his actions.#I really should learn the lesson that people who are snide assholes in one situation are usually snide assholes across the board#really the worst part is knowing I defended him when he threw tantrums like this before#that's what I regret and feel guilty about: that I backed up his shitty behavior and gave it legitimacuy#that was wrong of me and I'm sorry for every time I jumped in as one of his flying monkeys
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city-of-herongraystairs · 22 days ago
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God. I really wanted to like this new run of Titans, but the way it’s going so far…
Donna Troy I’m so sorry they would do this to you.
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01tsubomi · 2 years ago
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i'm taking the jlpt this sunday and had a stress dream last night abt it bc it sort of snuck up on me and now it's kind of a question of how much my actual japanese abilities will carry me (versus if i should've been cramming on flashcards this past month) but the listening portion is far simpler conversation than my coworkers and i have so. i think that maybe instead of "damn i should've been studying japanese" my perspective should just be "i speak japanese"
#a key part of the dream though was that i failed because i went on a motorcycle joyride during the 40 minute break and didn't make it back#in time for the listening section. the prompt for the listening section btw was to write an essay in english about kirishima eijirou#so i was like damn i would've totally passed#anyway hashtag classic maya but idk#i think i have a bit of a complex abt it bc i was studying for n1 (highest level) in college#but w the switch to online learning we stopped studying the stuff i really needed to work on (vocab and kanji)#and whatever kanji i knew how to write went out the window bc i never had to turn in written homework again#so i really let myself go there for a good two years but since moving last summer i've not only been having japanese conversations every da#i've also actually been studying kanji in my downtime at work#so i have picked up most of the study guide-type information just really slowly over time#i read a ton of manga in japanese lately and most shows on netflix here don't have eng subtitles but i'm fine without them 95% of the time#with the genre of shows i watch at least#so i've been thinking a lot lately abt what my end goal is w japanese studies because 'be able to consume all the art i want' feels like#a good place to be#i do think in the end the only thing between me and n1 is a lot of genuine hard work studying vocab and kanji and reading serious articles#so i feel like all 'sekkaku da shi' i've made it this far why would i just stop working at this point#those are just my thoughts though aaaa i know reading/vocab/grammar section is way more hit or miss#personal
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foxmulderautism · 10 months ago
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posting here bc i feel like i always reblog other people’s takes on main then make my own post about the discussion LOL but the post about writing dog cannibalism etc notifs like…..my only thing I’d say is I’d like to see the ideas of these motifs expanded ie i think there was a post about how cannibalism is a great metaphor for devotion but that’s not the only way you can utilise cannibalism for a message. and sometimes these metaphors have a complex history. and without these expansive discussions/explorations these ideas that are so rich and complex can risk being reduced to buzzwords. which i agree and also think at the end of the day if someone wants to write the same cannibalism and dog poem over and over who caressss like why would i stop them? especially if it’s just for their own expression like why would I decide what expression is worthy of creation and sharing? oh my god idk if its dramatic but literally you are not alive forever why would you stop yourself from creating bc of what others might think? because the idea is cliche?? like idk im probably going to be writing about death and grief for the next ten years at least. i wrote really melodramatic, surface level poetry about my mom when i found out she was literally about to die of cancer can you imagine telling me that i was being too cliche with that? id kill you. anyway i think when an idea or metaphor gets popular on tumblr it’s good to be nuanced about it bc i do think sometimes ideas get watered down and diluted (hence my encouragement to expand your reading and ideas of say, cannibalism as metaphor) but at the end of the day if someone is personally moved by it why do i care. they’re alive they can do what they want
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tibtew · 2 years ago
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*sigh* something something the two-dimensionality of saeru's characterisation is a writing flaw, not a feature, and trying to pass it off as a feature whilst berating anyone who sees it as a flaw is uh. A Choice
#like we all know jin's writing isn't exactly stellar#kgpr got popular because of the characterisation of the Protagonists#but jin writes saeru poorly. I've never believed otherwise#he only really tried to do something interesting with the character in the manga... but saeru was always more of a symbol. which is Boring#but again#not the Main Point of kgpr so it's not a big deal#but that isn't to say that making saeru interesting weakens the narrative???#just that the story functions without him being overly complex and stuff#some of themes however are so Fucked by his character it's so sad#could write a whole essay about how shit the whole idea of monsterhood becomes when saeru is presented the way he is outside of the manga#that entire spiel seto has about “real monsters” in novel 8 is so eugh#I'd love to pretend that's just his perspective but it's so clearly word of god#I also feel like shutting down arguments in favour of deeper characterisation with “well he's a metaphor for trauma”#inadvertently oversimplifies trauma#I have more to say but I'm tiredddd#txt#not tagging and shit because I don't want people in my notes arguing with a wall#idc if you like your saeru simple I just hate the fact that people frame it as right/wrong thing#I think when people complain about complex saeru weakening the narrative they're more so annoyed that some fans#want to give him the same sort of complexity the protags have#like I promise you I'm not trying to turn him into a hero here lol I just think jin couldn't write him very well#and there are things to explore with the little things jin Did write#idk why the concept of even thinking about those things annoys some people sm#“he's a murderer” he's a narrative tool within a story. some guys in a corner brainrotting over him won't make Your blorbos less interestin#or make his actions widely justified/glorified#I Promise
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waywardsalt · 2 years ago
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ok since tears of the kingdom is coming out like. insanely soon i figured i’ll just dump how i’ve been feeling abt it here. i wont tag for them and i dont intend to share any but because i have been actively seeking out spoilers i will vaguely reference them here so… idk really long musings on this game and my feelings abt it
(im just writing this out mostly for myself since i really kind of just. want to really figure out how i feel about this)
i… am not excited for totk?
i’ve figured out a bit ago that my severely waning interest in botw and general anxiety and discontent surrounding totk is just that… these games arent for me. i dont enjoy open world games with half a million things for you to do like it’s basically a sandbox. i struggle to really enjoy singleplayer minecraft. the space stage in spore gives me genuine anxiety, both when i played it as a kid and again when i reached it as an adult.
botw and totk are not games for me, and that’s cool. i’ve figured that out.
so why am i getting so damn anxious about this new game?
i am getting totk- not entirely of my own volition, i live with someone who is very genuinely excited for it, so it’s pre-ordered digitally on our switch. i am going to play it and complete it at least once.
the gameplay and world of botw never really got to me, and even what snippets of gameplay i see for totk dont really entice me. it just makes me anxious to think about the sheer amount of new stuff i’ll be dropped in the middle of and how i really dont care about this version of link or zelda or anyone else in botw’s hyrule
and some of the story spoiler stuff and general direction this game is going in has me just worried that the zelda series is moving away from what it used to be into an entirely new direction, that being a direction that it seems like i wont enjoy as much as everyone else seems to
so then i guess my main worry outside of totk is that i just end up struggling to really feel connected to the rest of the community about this? being a contrarian is fun until everyone is enjoying something you for some reason can’t get yourself to
i dont have a lot of hope in the story of totk to harken back to… ANYTHING of worth that past games have built up and made to be so important and interesting. hype is a dangerous thing for a not-yet-released game, and while i think the insane amount of speculation and theories and hype around totk will cause a lot of people to be disappointed with the final story, i dunno if i really wouldve liked it even if the story actually piqued my interest
maybe totk’s gameplay will really hook me. maybe i’ll enjoy the massive open world and gmod-ass gimmicks. but what ive seen of the story makes me less interested and the snippets of gameplay i see just make me remember how bored i now am with botw
at the end of the day this is just a video game with tags on this site i can blacklist and videos i can ignore and lore i can brush aside because at this point loz canon is a suggestion more than anything
i just cant shake the discomfort of once again being an outlier as everyone i see loses their mind about this new game while i just feel overwhelmed by it. i have played botw for a long time and have long since worn it out. i played age of calamity to completion and have not touched it or cared for it beyond the music since. i am not excited about totk and i feel like i am in the wrong due to my opinion
#salty talks#kinda personal? just angsting abt totk and being a lil negative abt it#at this point im not expecting it to blow me away. i no longer have fun playing botw. i do not care for the story or characters#this if anything is to soothe my nerves and is for the sake of my own wellbeing to articulate how i feel about this#it is cool to like. put your feelings into words. this is a lot more eloquent than ‘i miss linebeck’#it feels kinda selfish to bitch abt a game thats not out yet and complain abt it not seeming enjoyable to me#but it looks like a genuinely good game. but its not for me. and thats what im ruminating on here#like i love linear stories games that limit you and fun little gimmicks and characters with complex arcs and all that#i played a little bit of skyward sword earlier and was finishing up the cistern dungeon and was so delighted to see the main statue lowered#i love the dungeons with gimmicks that flip everything around and force you to really think abour your next move#im excited to reach the water temple in oot again to swim around and tinker with the water level#i cant wait to finish oot and move onto mm and its wonderful gameplay and areas#id love to revisit albw and get back to playing ph (and maybe finishing triforce heroes idk abt that one i just want the linebeck outfit)#i played botw for like ten minutes a few weeks ago and then put it away without a second thought#so. if anyone wanted to know how i feel abt totk. its a bit alienating#i might blacklist every variation of ze/ink tbh. sayonara you weeaboo shits and your bland fucking milquetoast ship thats kinda irritating#i may delete this bc it errs on the side of being too personal but i really just need to write this stuff downh#anyways. going back to writing my thing abt my oc n linebeck hanging out and being gay
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why didn't they just use franziska for literally all of this.
#freya talks aai2#my goals of not being a forgotten/forsaken hater are not going well. he goes from 'kay is a dear ACQUAINTANCE' to 'i've not known her for#very long but i know she'd never kill anyone' to 'you are the kay i know so well' in the span of a few hours and it's like.#okay so you know it was too early in their acquaintanceship for this to really make sense but you still wanted a 'deep' and 'meaningful'#relationship to take the lead in this plotline. his sister is literally right there. it wouldnt have been hard to swap her in either because#she's literally investigating the smuggling situation. it would make perfect sense for her to be there following a lead instead of suddenly#revealing kay's promise notebook went missing. im not saying that the super-gentle super-meek persona would have made more sense with#franziska but honestly it wouldnt have made sense with any of them because it's more a caricature of a character rather than being an actual#previously unseen facet of one but you could've done so many more interesting things with franziska! she has an actual personal stake in#edgeworth's decision to continue as a prosecutor or not and we could get actual insight into how her own relationship with prosecuting and#its inextricable link to her father has affected her as a person. like when you show amnesiac kay the prosector badge all she says is that#it feels heroic warm and familiar like someone she knew used to show it to her often. and like cool. it's basically telling us she and her#father were close. which we already knew. imagine if franziska had said something like that or had had a more complex reaction. there would#be so many avenues to go with that!! you'd even be able to delve deeper into what edgeworth thinks about it all. like what if franziska was#just. happier. without her memories. then you'd have a story where edgeworth has to reckon with whether it might be kinder to let her live a#different life where she's unburdened by literally everything she's been made to go through and give her the same opportunity of starting#over that he now has.#im just writing fanfiction at this point but like. the amnesia plot is so frustrating to me HAHA they dont even do anything interesting with#it!! it's just oh she's lost her memories and we need to get them back because she's not 'herself' anymore without any discussion of like.#the nature of identity or living as who other people know you as vs whoever you might actually be#WHEN THE WHOLE CASE IS ABOUT EDGEWORTH DECIDING ON HIS PATH FORWARDS AND GRAPPLING WITH BEING THE PROSECUTOR EVERYONE HAS KNOWN HIM AS#whatever. WHATEVER.#annotations#some people might argue so it's not rehashing old conflict between franziska and edgeworth and like ok. she literally repeats her 'are you#running away from me again' line during this case. does that sound like the words of resolved conflict?#i know WHY they use kay. it's because they need to justify her place in this game and because they want to play on the pseudo father-figure#thing they played up in aai2 to contribute to the overall themes of fatherhood this game is dealing with. and to that i have to say that i#might just not be the audience for it because i've never bought that version of their relationship and i dont think kay should be in aai2#anyway. plus i posit that franziska would've still worked for that theme because. literally everything. about her.
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thebigqueer · 4 months ago
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Your breakup really really reminds me of my first (and only) wlw relationship/breakup everything you're saying hits home a lot. You will get through it but tbh it's so hard to heal and it still grinds my gears when I think about her and how we broke up. Idk if that helps but I understand what you're going though
YEAH MAN ITS TOUGH OUT HERE FR!!! its not my first queer relationship but like something about this is genuilnely the most world-shattering romantic experience ive had cuz we went into this soooo head over heels for each other like we were literally moving SO fast. and at the time i was like is it ok for us to even be moving this fast (probs tmi but we were literally making out shirtless by like 2nd time we even made out) (probs not a big deal to most people but i experienced a LOT of new things with her that id never experienced befoer & the fact that i was so WILLING to do it so fast was what surprised me the most) but then i was like okk whateverrr i really like how fast we're moving. and i was like 'damn if were moving this fast & if im feeling so good it has to end soon right like theres no way life is going to let me just be happy w this' and then i was like 'no elts not think about it' and then what do you know 5 months later she brekas up w me. and neither of us did anything wrong but it was so random??? like i dont understand how one moment shes telling me how excited she is to spend the entire semester with me and then literally 36 hours later tell me shes not feeling an emotional connection but wont even give us the chance to work it out. i know she also broke it off for personal reasons but its like... this was something we could have TRIED to work out you know!!! maybe it wouldnt have worked in the end but literally nothing felt off to me at all & if id known she was feeling this way i wouldve done my best to make things better. the entire breakup was so sudden and honestly im really not mad at her because i know how nerve-wracking it is to be in your first relationship. i think its just that im really dispapointed she gave up on us so easily you know??? didnt even give us a chance to figure it out
#sorry you didnt ask for a rant but man im not even going to lie the main reason i even rant about this on tumblr is cuz its so much easier#than talking to my friends#not cuz theyre not kind & underestanding and stuff. i mean just generally ive always been better at saying things by writing anonymously#like i never cry on my friends but this was the first time ive ever done that and even then#every time i tell someone i broke up with her i generally dont feel anything i feel like im just retelling a story#other than that one time i cried on my firend#like its just so much easier ranting on tumblr than telling my friends. also if eel really bad ranting to my friends#cuz i know they care abou tme but also like how much of 'i want her back' are they going to take yk??#every time i get tipsy i start complaining about how much i miss her and these past few weeknds my friends have heard an earful of tipsy me#like i jstu dont wnat to burden them like that#but yeah anyway. i feel you anon this shit is so hard#and i feel like the other thing is when its a hetero-presenting relationship friends find it easier to be like 'fuck him / her!!'#and obviously thats not always going to make the person feel better cuz EVERYONE is complex but in a way its nice feeling that support from#friends. but my dating experiences have always been queer and i feel so guilty any time someone says 'fuck them! youre out of their league'#because like the thing about queer dating is i feel so much more understood and it all feels so much more intimate#and when you cant even get a 'fuck them' from your friends it just feels so alienating in a way#idk how to explain it#obviuosly if the ex is a cheater then its valid to be 'fuck them' but in my case none of them have cheated & theyre both very copmlex peopl#weve all done probelmatic things to each other yk#i think its just like. how am i suposed to get over her when our relationship doesnt feel like it should have ended at all#like it was NOT our time!!! NOTHING felt off or wrong or anything!! i thought we were really happy!!#i think she broke it off in part because she was afraid of the moment things went wrong but man this hurts much worse#cuz at least if things started going wrong it would make SENSE to break it off. but BEFORE things go wrong? this pain just feels unnecessar#anyway heres to hoping my insta stories trying to look hot convince her that she messed up and she should totally date me again#and well live happily ever after for at least a few more months#anon tag#asks
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lettersiarrange · 5 months ago
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Since I just checked my ask box for the first time in a hot minute:
Just a note that tumblr doesn't tell me when I have new asks or messages and I rarely check my notifications. Helpful corrections of misinformation/any messages in good faith are appreciated (though it's possible I won't see them until weeks later, sorry), but if something I reblog angers you enough you feel the need to get hostile in my askbox on anon, I reccomend the unfollow button.
I'm also not comfortable posting asks asking for any sort of donations/directing people to your blog for donation purposes, sorry :// I just don't have time to vet asks like that
#feel like I've had more hostile asks than usual in the last year or so#(with the usual number being none and the recent number being more than none)#I'm not sure if it's like (1) person who hatefollowed and now just wants to be nitpicky about everything#or if the culture of the site changed when i wasn't paying attention and people are back to being hostile#my theory is that the fall of twitter means twitter users are coming back to tumblr and bringing their hostility with them#also i can't believe i have to say this AGAIN#but while what i reblog is generally in line with what i believe...#sometimes i reblog stuff bc it's interesting and makes points i haven't heard before#or i like the overall message even tho there's a few pieces I'm iffy about#or it's not how I'd say it or i feel like it's lacking in some nuance but still think the point is worth making#if you see a really consistent take on my blog with consistent framing then yeah safe to assume it's probably reflective of how i feel#but if you have problems with the phrasing or framing of a specific post maybe take that up with the OP??#i can find someone's speech worthy of dissemination without agreeing with every word#I'm not going to take responsibility for other ppl's phrasing esp if it's just the phrasing or framing in one post and not a theme 4 my blog#sometimes i just think things are an interesting conversation or worthy of talking abt even if not everyone is saying things 100% correctly#feel free to come for me for things i actually write. but I'm not gonna take responsibility for other people's phrasing#(AGAIN with the understanding that like. if I were constantly reblogging posts with slurs or something that would be different)#this just in humans are complex and do not agree 1000% with every post they've ever shared online#pls hold me accountable for things i actually say...#a good example of a VALID critique was when i was following a secret terf and i was accidentally reblogging things with terf OPs semi-often#there was concern i was a terf (i am not... just bad at spotting terf dogwhistles) bc there were a few of these like...#not explicitly terfy but like popular with terf posts on my blog#so thanks again to whoever let me know so i could hunt down the secret terf i was following and unfollow#and even tho it's not true that I'm a terf it was a valid concern bc of the consistency#if u think the phrasing or framing in (1) singular post i reblogged is sooooo horrible... pls take it up with the OP#again with obvious exceptions of like. hate speech. slurs. actual alt right talking points. content in the post that is directly harmful#but anons in my inbox have been Big Mad abt like. one line in one post. or one bad piece of framing#or one not quite nuanced enough take. or one framing where not every person in the world was considered#so pls take that shit up with the person who actually wrote the post and stop acting like i personally came to your house#and yelled the words of whatever post at your grandma and then was mean to your dog
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mxdotpng · 8 months ago
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the soremik in my head is so vastly different from anyone elses idea of them that i fear if i ever speak out on the subject i'll have rocks thrown at me. but once again they are allowed to look but never touch. you have to expect this from me by now.
#.text#its for an actual reason this time outside of general preference though!#to sorey the best time to have told mikleo he loves him was before he met alisha. and then after. well. thats his secret now#i near constantly think about how sorey views his duty as shepherd. it is not just a title -- it is like chains.#he knows he is going to die some day. and its clear that after he becomes shepherd he knows its going to be soon.#i think a lot of the optimism sorey has is true. to an extent -- he believes the things he says to others.#but he knows some of them are lies.#its a kind of 'if i say it enough times and if i try hard enough then i can will it to be true' kind of mentality#which more often than not writes him off as naive and ignorant. and in some cases that is true. but in others he is often right. which is#why that optimism sounds like pure optimism rather than him trying to force things to turn out well#which is in turn connects to how he knows being the shepherd isnt something that comes without cost. it isnt just the weight that hurts him#and you know he knows this because the realization that he must become maotelus' vessel is not one that comes suddenly#to him. it has always been there. he knew this was going to happen. he does not fear it -- not entirely. it isnt the act of#sleeping or dying that scares him. its what comes after. but not for him. for the people around him.#he is never scared for what may happen to him. only of what may happen to others and how it affects them.#honestly the fact that this mentality came naturally to him is so startling... it came out of nowhere. only was this born#from the way that he loves and protects others. nothing else.#which turns right back around to mikleo. the shepherd is chained down by fate. he will not do the same to mikleo#i think he would do it because he believes hes protecting mikleo of the heart break. because more than anything sorey wants him#to live. after hes gone he wants mikleo to live. and i genuinely cannot think of their relationship as otherwise#because i know full well that the moment mikleo and sorey found out that sorey is human and he is going to die. it changed everything#even if it changed nothing it changed everything.#im going to love you for all of my life and youre going to miss me for the rest of yours. type of relationship.#not to mention sorey has this really large savior complex -- he knows he is hurting himself by doing this (by doing everything#really. the first thing that comes to mind is allowing alisha to become his sublord. if he dies because of their pact#but saves at least one life because of it. then so be it)#but is saving mikleo. which obviously isnt the case. thats never been the case.#but that is how it is and how it must always be.#sorry for the sorey essay. it will happen again
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