#i really thought of deleting all my blogs on a whim

[lawevades-a042023]

i need to relearn how to socialise in the rpc... i feel like i don't know how and then i just sit and watch everyone having fun together, without participating

[crossbackpoke-check]

about to be sooo nosy so. my apologies. but. morgan frost? girlfriend? do share (or don’t! again this is so nosy i’m sorry)

for legal purposes i can neither confirm nor deny anything about morgan and his girlfriend but afaik i think he’s single right now? at one point (within the past four years 😭) he did for sure have a girlfriend and that is the extent of my wag knowledge

[wilwheaton]

the scorpion doesn’t care who it stings

I posted this on my Facebook four days ago, and it seems to have taken on a life of its own for a minute.

I thought I’d repost it, here:

I can not fathom the emptiness, the insecurity, the insatiable need for attention and validation, the staggering arrogance, the malevolence and total void of human experience that is Elon Musk.

He's the richest man on the planet. You can't go anywhere or do anything without interacting with something he's part of in some way. There are literal millions of people who uncritically worship him, in spite of overwhelming evidence that he's a douchebag. Some number of them will come after me, as they come after anyone who points at their naked emperor. They'll spend entire days going after me and people like me, slavishly serving a man who does not even know they exist. They are his army of fools, uncritically serving his every whim. And it still isn't enough.

He can have any material thing he wants, and he will *never* be happy or satisfied. He has no real friends. Every single person around him is either a viper, a parasite, or both.

So what does he do? He bullies and threatens and harasses and trolls and behaves like the weak, scared, insecure child he has always been. That's a tragedy for him, but it's dangerous for us. He doesn't care what he destroys or who he hurts as he chases this existential thing he cannot ever have.

You know the saying "hurt people hurt people"? He's a hurt person who is hurting our society, making people I care about less safe. The consequences of this one man's midlife crisis are global, and that terrifies me.

In a comment, about an hour later, I added:

You know what's really interesting is the tiny number of people who are attacking and harassing me are either typical right wing idiots who all spew the same garbage from behind their wraparound sunglasses, or these weird nerds who are DESPERATE to justify how toxic and cruel and destructive Elon Musk is. Like, nerds, listen to Old Man Wheaton, please. 

Don't hitch your wagon to Elon Musk. There are countless people who are amazing and genuinely good, who do all the things we wish we could do. Stop defending this piece of shit who would push you into a volcano without even learning your name, if it would save him half a second on his way to his next shitpost on $8Chan (formerly known as Twitter).He doesn't stand up to anyone. He doesn't stand up FOR anyone. He is not your champion. He's angry and chaotic and destructive, and you have to understand that the scorpion doesn't care who it stings.

Finally, I want to add two things: 1) It’s interesting to me that a lot of the people who came to my post to be dicks used a lot of MAGA language. It reminds me of this thing my friend says about concerts: the audience looks like the band. Of course there’s substantial overlap between the angry, hateful, terrified, cowards who support Trump and the same who Stan Elon Musk, and it’s real interesting to see it in action.

2) I haven’t used Twitter for years. I quit before it was popular (lol) because it was better for my mental health. I logged in once when my book was published, and I deleted all my tweets when he announced he was buying Twitter. When he took over and immediately amplified a conspiracy theorist, I made my account private. In a perfect world, I would delete my account entirely. But I have to keep it for reasons I hope I don’t have to explain. After I posted this on Facebook, it made its way around Twitter (still is, four days later, which is ... a thing that is happening) and when people went to look at my account, they saw that it was closed. As much of a fucking manbaby Elon Musk clearly is, he didn’t do anything to my account. In fact, the only reason he even knows I exist (if he does) is through a vanity search of his name. I locked my account on my own, and so should you.

I am only on:

Tumblr

Facebook (itswilwheaton)

Instagram (itswilwheaton)

and my blog that I’ve been neglecting for too long at wilwheaton.net.

I’ve had a Reddit account since 2006, predating user-created subs! I’m u/wil there.

Okay that’s all. Thanks for listening. Please choose to be kind.

[david-talks-sw]

When a Star Wars writer engages with the material but not the narrative.

I'm writing a long post about the Jedi and the clone troopers and there's a whole section that I had to remove because it was too long:

Karen Traviss' take on the Jedi and the clones.

I already wrote about why Karen Traviss' take on the Jedi and Yoda doesn't track with what George Lucas had established in his narrative of the Prequels. Since then, I've been able to do more research.

It's no secret that one of the reasons Traviss listed for criticizing the Jedi in the Expanded Universe books she wrote is their treatment of the clones (or at least what she understood it to be).

In 2008, she wrote a now-deleted blog post about it (it was really long, so I'm only including the part relevant to my point, if you want the full context you can look it up, this is old stuff).

So if you ask me, in the above quote, Traviss is essentially doing the equivalent of saying:

"Batman is a psycho elitist who beats up the mentally ill and indoctrinates kids, turning them into child soldiers for his unending crazy vigilante war on crime, and if you can't recognize that then you scare the living crap out of me."

Like... you can argue that, and a couple of comics have argued that.

But by and large, the general consensus is that Batman is a superhero, the Robins are his sons and daughter, and the "mentally ill" are in fact the Joker and Two-Face aka mass murderers.

So if you make that argument, that's you applying your real-life values and conclusions to a narrative that deliberately doesn't acknowledge those points, in-universe, in order to tell the story it wants to tell.

It's counting on your suspension of disbelief, defined as "the avoidance—often described as willing—of critical thinking and logic in understanding something that is unreal or impossible in reality, such as something in a work of speculative fiction, in order to believe it for the sake of enjoying its narrative."

The Jedi accepting the clones and the clones being slaves isn't a "delicate point". It's barely a point at all!

It's never addressed in the film (because of course it isn't, the Prequels are about Anakin and the Republic, not the clones).

It's only addressed once by Slick, an unreliable narrator, in The Clone Wars.

That's it. Hell, in 2008, when The Clone Wars writer Henry Gilroy was asked to comment on the relationship between clones and Jedi, he explicitly said he'd "rather not get into" that particular point.

I recently got Mythmaking: Behind the Scenes of 'Attack of the Clones' and nowhere is that detail touched on by Lucas at any point.

Nobody wants to touch on that point with a 10ft pole, because it's not relevant to the story.

So while Traviss acknowledges the Jedi are fictional characters, she doesn't follow that thread through to the end by acknowledging that fictional characters don't have free will, they must abide by the story and the whim of the writer.

She's engaging with the material, but refusing to engage with the narrative. She's having her cake and eating it too.

My reason for saying all this is that in the book Star Wars on Trial, she elaborates on her thought process upon discovering this detail.

Shortly before to this, she acknowledges twice that she knew nothing about Star Wars, beside seeing the original films in her youth.

Another writer who saw the new films and saw Mace Windu argue against there being a war...

... the worry on his face at the prospect of the Jedi being thrown at the Separatists...

... and the sheer melancholy on Yoda's face upon announcing the Clone War had begun...

... might have instead wondered how the Jedi, so opposed to war, could've ended up being generals.

Because while we don't see the Jedi openly protest the use of the clones in the film... they're not exactly giddy about it, either. All they can do is watch powerlessly as it gets voted by the Senate.

"The Jedi are there. But the Jedi aren't really allowed to be involved in the political process. They're there, but they can't suddenly step up and say, "No, no. You can't do that." They have to let the political process go." - George Lucas, Attack of the Clones, Commentary #2, 2002

We also don't see them take on the role of generals, either.

We only see them begrudgingly lead troops on Geonosis, specifically.

But they're not referred to as "generals" yet.

Another writer might have imagined a scene where after Geonosis, Mace Windu talks to Palpatine thinking the Jedi will go back to their roles as diplomats, and that what we saw in Attack of the Clones was a one-time thing to save Obi-Wan, but Palpatine politely goes:

"Ha! No. Didn't you hear? The Senate was so impressed by your performance on Geonosis that they voted to make you all generals in the GAR. Now, get back to the front."

Another writer might've elected to write them having that "big moral debate" she mentions.

Instead, Traviss immediately jumps on the "Jedi are elitists" train.

Because her personal experience with the military makes her sympathize with the clones and her personal belief is that - while the story may frame the Jedi as "the good guys" - nobody is that good a guy, real life people aren't that pure and selfless. There's gotta be something off about them and aHA! That's what it is!

That's her choosing to take that line of thought instead of one more in-line with the story, because she perceives it as unrealistic. But like... Star Wars isn't real life, it's a fairy tale.

That's like saying:

"The hunter in Little Red Riding Hood commits animal cruelty by cutting the Wolf open. He should've let nature take its course, the wolf earned that meal fair and square. If you think the hunter should've saved Red Riding Hood and her Grandma, then clearly you're the kind of monster who thinks one life is worth more than others."

... no?

The story's narrative clearly portrays the wolf as the villain of the tale and frames the Hunter saving Red Riding Hood as a good thing.

Disagreeing with that narrative is absolutely fine, but anybody who acknowledges the wolf is the bad guy in the story isn't automatically an animal hater and/or a bad person. Just because you say "the wolf is the villain" doesn't mean that you think that, in real life, killing wolves for shits and giggles is good.

Conversely, the narrative of the Prequels asks you to suspend your disbelief and not consider the implications that having a clone army entails. Because the use of clones doesn't have a direct impact on either Anakin or the Senate's stories.

Edit: I finished the post this one here originally spun out of!

You can find it here:

[a-student-out-of-time]

5 Years Later

So...I admit I didn't really have anything big planned for today ^^;

But today- September 12th, 2024- is the 5th Anniversary of when A Student Out Of Time began. I started this blog based on a simple whim, after I'd completed playing 999 with a friend and read H.P. Lovecraft's The Shadow Out Of Time. I asked myself "Hey, what if Hajime went back in time and tried to prevent the Tragedy?"

Now, this wasn't the first story blog I'd ever written. I had a couple early ones that I'm a little too embarrassed to share or discuss, but my biggest one was The Starship Hope, which also began on a whim all the way back in 2018. I was on a walk through the second neighborhood I lived in back in California, and I asked myself "What if the V3 Cast were actually in space?"

While I still have some fondness for that one, I don't believe I really found my footing as a writer until we got deep into this one. I had a tendency to just write whatever sounded cool or I got a little too shippy about some things. Then I really sat down and started planning out arcs, and we built things up from there...

...And now here we are, five years later, and I'm still doing this. Not only that, it's become so much bigger than I ever thought it would. Early on, I had one anon tell me that they weren't convinced that this blog would never last, because story blogs like this never do. I still think about that person now, and I really have to thank them because that was when I decided I'd commit to it.

Thanks to that, I've met so many new friends, been introduced to great things, inspired others to pursue their own stories and creative ambitions, and we even have a whole set of pages on TV Tropes. Almost 1,200 have decided to follow me, and that's not even counting how many have read this story and simply not made their presence known. In short, it really has helped change my life.

It hasn't been easy, and there have been times where I've thought about quitting or deleting the whole thing. There have been some dark moments, some bad arcs, some ideas that didn't pan out as I'd hoped. But even so, I always took them as learning experiences and chose not to quit.

More importantly, I've helped inspire people to check out one of my favorite series of all time, I've given them a work they can enjoy, and all this has in turn helped me refine my own writing skills and figure out the sort of writer I hope to become one day. Seeing people enjoy what I do or just curious to hear what my thoughts are, it really does inspire me to keep going.

It's also so wild to see how much Danganronpa has evolved as a series in time since I started all this. I got involved in the DR Tumblr fandom back in early 2016, before Danganronpa 3 was even out yet. I remember how much we were clamoring for it and V3, how controversial their story decisions were, and how many people didn't want it to end. They wanted to tell their own stories and do their own spins on the concept, and that's how we got so many different fangans in so many mediums- other games, videos, instagram, fanfics, and some here on Tumblr.

Danganronpa Another, SDRA2, DR: Rebirth, Despair Time, Blowback, TheAfter, Rocky Restarts, DR Mauve, DR Lapse, Brave DR: Coward's Paradise, Eternal Endings, Shattered Hope, Heartless Deceit, Eden's Garden, Antebellum, and so many others.

I got into both Zero Escape and AI: The Somnium Files, both great series in their own right. And now we have another SC game on the way, The Hundred Line- Last Defense Academy, which looks pretty interesting too.

In short, it's been a long 5 years.

Do I plan to keep going? Uh, yeah. We're nearing the conclusion of Season 2, and I have many ideas for Season 3. I intend to keep doing this as long as I'm able and as long as people want me to, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

More than anything, I'm just happy people enjoy the work I do. The support I've received over this last half a decade have been nothing short of inspiring, and I'm glad that people are always happy to see me update no matter how long it's been.

My life has had many ups and downs in the time I've been doing this, but being able to look at all this and say that I helped create a community and inspired people to pursue their own ambitions? It makes it all worth it ^^

What happens when it does all eventually conclude? I wouldn't worry about it. I do have an ending idea in mind, but we're nowhere near that yet. Season 2 has had some of our best arcs so far, and I think Season 3 could even turn out to be even better, but I won't get too ahead of myself.

I'm glad I'm still doing this, and I'm glad for every single person who decided that this silly little Danganronpa fanfiction blog was worth their time to get invested in. When I get things together a bit more and I start publishing my own original stories, I hope you'll follow me on my journey there as well.

Thank you guys for everything!

Here's to another 5 years ^^

[vonpharma]

ok, well, this is kind of ridiculous and sad, but the husband of one of the sicktember mods is now harassing me on my personal blog for giving some pretty lukewarm criticism of the event in the past few years. i have not picked fights with anyone or tried to incite any kind of ire myself, just been professional and upfront with how much it's sucked to fall out of love with my favourite writing event. i sadly deleted the more vitriolic response i got from them, but here is what they left on my post:

again, i cannot stress enough, i have not contacted the mods in any capacity! i have not left any tags on their posts, i have not interacted with them except last year to ask permission for a spinoff blog, all my thoughts & feelings have just been on my personal blog.

in 2022, i filled every prompt for sicktember, totalling at 92 thousand words total. in 2023, i did the same, at 118 thousand words. i adore this event, so much so that i complete it every year despite my busy work schedule. it has always been my absolute favourite--the accessibility of it, the community, the prep time, writing with people who love the fic trope as much as i.

i am not just some rando. i am not just some bad actor, here to incite drama. i am a fan of this event who has been consistently supportive and celebratory, using my large following to both plug said event and rope my many servers and friends into it. in fact, in 2022, my friends and i wrote more fills for our fandom than any other:

that is us. i counted, and only 4 of the fills in the aa tag are by people not in my immediate friend circle.

i love this event enough i have physical books of all our fills:

...and this isn't even all of them, this is just how many i could afford to make at the time. i don't know how to prove that i am a savant for this event, and a passionate supporter. not from day one, as i didn't know of it until 2022... but definitely for the long-haul.

it is really unfortunate that this is the response the fans of this event are getting. in my initial post i talked about how resistant to feedback the event runners are are, but now we are getting full-on attacks if we don't blindly worship every aspect of said event and kiss the event runners' feet.

a word to the wise: when you run an event, it is not so black and white. it is not just two sides, where one is "i am spending time and effort on this thing i love and how to best share it with others, so i do not owe them anything." and the other is "i must bend to the whims of everything my fellows ask!" there is nuance in the middle, where you can keep firm in your ideals, protect your free time, and still listen to what your community is saying. compromise is a wonderful skill to learn.

either way, sending your friends & family to pick fights with the disappointed or barely critical fans of your event on their personal blogs is wretched behaviour regardless. i am not interested in petty internet arguments with people. i am interested in making my feelings known with the hope that maybe something can be changed. whether that be that the mods loosen up to community feedback & try to open a dialogue, or some folks who feel similarly to me take it as inspiration to make their own sickfic-centric prompt event, or nothing happens at all--it doesn't matter.

but this is literally my personal blog. where i post my personal feelings. if you don't like them, ignore them, scroll past them, block me if you must.

i have 3000 words of sicktember prep in another window and wholeheartedly plan to attempt my best to stick to my record of doing every single fill and having a blast. but if another event comes along, and the mods of this one don't intend to change how they interact with their fans, it won't really be a contest where i go from there.

this is not a call for harrassment, please do not act unkind or bother anyone involved here, i'm just sad man. and i figure if people are gonna start attacking more outspoken members of the community, y'all might want their usernames to block.

as always, i will keep on writing for you guys.

[familyabolisher]

hi! ive just recently found your blog and i'm reading through some of your old posts, they're excellent (particularly the ones about the relationship between lolita and tlt!) i was wondering if you had an organizational tag for your writing or some other way to find it outside of the infinite scroll?

So I don’t have a proper tag or any kind of organised system going on here (I really do just, like, blurt out some thoughts as and when), but I’ve just spent the morning searching my blog for specifically TLT stuff and here’s what I’ve got:

On Nona and gender and why that book felt significantly More Transgender than the other two

More on Nona and gender (this is largely similar to the above post though tbh)

Sexual violence in Nona (and sexual violence as a throughline throughout TLT)

Reading Lolita as a TLT intertext

Shorter and somewhat clearer summary of the Lolita argument

Reading John and Kiriona’s relationship as functionally incestuous

Brides and bride metaphors and Kiriona/Alecto/Harrow (and an embedded post about Kiriona and her stupid little #gender)

On the Don Quixote references in Gideon

Handful of other posts that may or may not be of interest:

Reading A Streetcar Named Desire as a horror text

Joyce’s ‘This world is enough’ and what it means relative to the rest of Disco Elysium

Literacy and literary criticism as a communist

Lolita and Dante’s Beatrice

Most of my other longish answers to things can be found in /tagged/ask; I haven’t linked them all because the topics are v sporadic and idk what’s interesting or helpful or worth digging up, lol. I also have a bunch of longer posts on like all sorts of topics somewhere in the ether, but again, I don’t have a decent tagging system so I have no idea how to find them!

There’s also my Medium (I used to have a Substack but I deleted it on a whim lol so now all my old essays on like Severance and Disco Elysium and everything else are just floating around on my laptop until I get round to editing & reuploading them), which is pretty bereft at the minute, but you can read me talking in depth about Salò and Lolita over there if you’re interested.

[princeandrogyne]

hey hello it’s your high-word-count friend here. really really appreciated your response, it has been recieved! i'm pretty terrible at responding to responses for some reason. I think I just think too much about words and thoughts and the pressure to decently communicate an appropriate reaction, it's easier to throw word vomit at the screen at a late night whim to an online stranger than to actually properly acknowledge a really thoughtful and well written and kind response to said word vomit. it was a really lovely response. i didn't know if it'd be worth it to be so weirdly raw as an anonymous presence in a tumblr inbox but I gotta say, it was nice to be seen. I think it was worth it. thank you.

I was gonna write a big longer thing but it might need more work-shopping so I perhaps will come back soon. tangentially related I wanted to indulge in some unstructured pondering about dog metaphors to say: that domesticated dog thing you said at some point on your blog....yeahh. it's very relatable... I once met a shaky little shitzu and I realized I was just like it. would never be equipped to live in the reality of the wild, yet still scared of the world in my enclosure. needing care, being far too attached to the people who feed me, yet always wanting to bite. being yelled at but not really learning much from it other than the fact I don't want to be yelled at again. I end up doing everything to make people happy (or at least not mad at me) I listen to instructions and jump through every hoop they put there just because what else do I have, really? I always want to bite but I never do, maybe I know that evolutionarily my teeth have dulled. I guess I wouldn't be such a terrible dog. not a great human though.

I used to have a dog. she'd always bark and snap if my parents or anyone got near me. I'm not big on touch, especially from my parents, so it was kind of nice to have a personal guard dog at times, looking out for me. I didn't think she really liked me. she'd snap if I got close to her sometimes, and often just straight up ignored me. so I never got why she was so territorial over me in those instances. but I appreciated it.

ok thanks for reading, I'll probably come visit more time to time, but absolutely no pressure to ever respond, or hell, even read these only somewhat sensical messages. against all my better judgement I do think you're a cool person and also yeah your blog sparks some kind of light in me that actually inspires me to speak whatever part of my mind that I usually try and suppress in order to fulfill my supposed function as a "well-adjusted member of society" so that's perhaps why I'm here, and maybe why I'll stick around? and if I ever overstep please take the executive order to like. tumblr kill me or something and delete such asks. that probably shouldn't happen since clearly I'm a weird anxious and antsy person who cares so much about boundaries as to write disclaimers on a fully anonymous message but uhh. what was I saying. this is probably a good time to cut it off holy shit I ramble like I have nowhere to be (which I really don't haha) may the universe send you good fortune and the energy to keep going! peace and love and thanks again!

Hello! I am naming you longnon, if you ever want to take a look at your asks it should be under that!

This response may be a bit shorter because I'm quite exhausted. I love responding to people. I love talking and communicating and learning and making connections. You are a gift to me. I hope you do visit me again, however often you want, with anything you'd like to say. I think it's funny that I demonstrate parts of people that they usually want to suppress. And a little sad, but I think it's accurate to the situation.

I think your dog loved you even though she didn't like you.

[thekleesh]

Hey what’s up Tumblr it’s been a little while

I haven’t made an actual post besides reblogging my girlfriend’s art on here in a good few years and I figured with seeing how Twitter is doing these days, now might be a good time to post a big-ass update.

NUMBER ONE:

My YouTube channel is doing well! I just posted this big huge sexy video about emulation and why you should do it and why it isn’t illegal (if you do it the right way). I’m super proud of it. Check it out!

In addition, I have uploaded a few other videos since my last post that I think (most of) are pretty cool, so if you enjoy this one I implore you to give the rest of my channel a shot.

Here’s one of my favorites.

Here’s another one for good measure.

NUMBER TWO:

Since my last post, I have also made a significant change to the way my streams are broadcasted. Up until last month, I used Twitch for all of my streaming endeavors. I did decently well for myself, met some great people, made some amazing friends, and even received a handful of payouts. I already made a big announcement video going into greater detail about this, but the short version is I am no longer on Twitch. I decided I didn’t like splitting my attention between Twitch and YouTube, so I have fully moved over to streaming on YouTube. It was a big change considering how long I’ve been on Twitch, but I am confident in my decision.

If you would like to see the farewell stream I did announcing all of this and going into greater detail as well as answering some questions, that’s right here.

NUMBER THREE:

I have been doing art still! I don’t do it particularly often, but I have a couple pieces I’m willing to share with you today. I’ll likely make separate posts for these later on, but I’ll stick them here in the meantime to make my post look longer than it actually is.

The first one is Marie from Splatoon! This is part of a collab I did with @skyeroxy where she sketched both Squid Sisters, and we each painted one. I am incredibly happy with how the collab turned out and I think I did a good job with Marie. I would hope so, because she’s my favorite.

Earlier in the year I also took a crack at drawing Captain Amelia from Treasure Planet. I rewatched the movie on a whim one day and each time I do it only solidifies the fact that it’s my favorite animated Disney movie, it just doesn’t get old.

Once again, these (and a few others) will get their own posts probably later in the week.

NUMBER FOUR:

Just kidding there isn’t a fourth point. I would just like to reiterate that yes, I will likely be more active on here than I have been. Even if Twitter doesn’t fizzle out in the next few days I really enjoy the much more relaxed atmosphere that exists on this site, so I’ll probably spend less time on Twitter and more time here regardless of what happens.

I have two blogs, there’s this one and my side blog.

I will reserve this blog for serious announcements like videos and maybe stream alerts (which will be deleted after the corresponding streams have concluded). My side blog is for frequent reblogging of things I enjoy like video games, memes, cool art, you get the idea. Basically retweeting on cocaine. If Twitter really truly does go down in a pit of flames, I’ll use my main account (this one) to post random bullshit thoughts and opinions and jokes and whatever else I do on my Twitter currently.

Aaaand for good measure, some links:

YouTube (Main Channel) // (Live)

YouTube (Stream Archive)

TikTok (FUCK this website I just post clips from my streams on it)

Twitter (A bit redundant to put this here but hey, it’s here)

I am technically available on other sites, like my Twitch account is still around, but these are the ONLY ones where you’ll find me active in any capacity. I still use Twitch but only as a viewer these days.

I’m working on a new public Discord server as well, I’ll post the invite to that when I feel it is ready. It’s coming along.

Alright, that’s it. Thank you for reading.

:]

[pomodoko]

On going dark (rambling)

CW: negativity, self-depreciation So, as many of you have noticed, I’ve gone dark for the first time ever on Tumblr. It’s been 9 years in the making, really.

First and foremost, I’d like to quickly say that physically I am alright. I am doing my best to take care of myself, so please do not worry. Mentally, frankly I’m not quite sure where I’m at currently. Surprisingly, I’m the fragile sort.

I don’t like to talk about myself too much, since my blog was made as an indulgence first and foremost. Over the years I’ve made many mistakes and myself and my blog have grown into more of a safe haven, for myself and for the people who have the time to follow me.

Along the way, my mental health plummeted. I’m not quite sure if I have depression or anxiety since I’ve never gotten a professional diagnosis, but I would spend days agonizing over my past mistakes, swearing up and down that I am doing my best to change for the better. I burned out and often times my train of thought for those days would go quite dark. Nevertheless I want to be a positive influence on people and I strive to be kind.

To be honest, I think that my personal history towards anger issues and changes in life have accumulated towards this very point. I think what recently happened broke me. I felt powerless. I’ve felt this before, too, last year when the same controversy broke out. I couldn’t pick up a pen without feeling sick. I hated myself and my works so much even though just a day before creating art was my lifeblood and a source of joy and passion for me. I almost deleted this blog and destroy everything I’ve worked towards.

Sometimes I wish that people would be more forward about hating me and just hand me the guilty verdict. Cut all my ties, burn all my bridges. I thought about disappearing completely. I debated and begged myself to keep going because I’ve made so many connections and if I ever leave, I would hurt more people. And by goodness sometimes I really really want to not exist at all. What good would I be if I cannot change to the whims of others?

When the anons approached me again, I debated on taking my stance. I’m tired. I’m sick of being poke and prodded and having to explain or justify myself in front of others. I want to say so badly that my stance was right and they were wrong, and I had friends telling me what I was doing was good, and that I shouldn’t feel bad but, I can’t. I only see disgusting flaws in my works now. I’ve spent over a decade honing my skills and I expect myself to be better than this. I guess this is my way of taking responsibility, no matter how twisted it is.

I know that this is rambling, and I know that I shouldn’t hold myself to such a high standard and every fucking day I am doing my best to change, but my brain is not allowing me to think of anything else than criticism and self-loathing, and my heart holds no joy when I think about picking up my pen.

I guess I’ve been defeated. I don’t know when I’ll start creating fan art again, or at least find enough courage to post them online. I just want you to know that, Soozu Pomodoko is physically okay, and that I will be as active as usual sans the works I produce. I have too many responsibilities to just up and leave.

Please take care, everyone, and thank you for the kind messages you’ve been sending me.

[busycryin]

REPOST - THE NIGHT WE MET

THE NIGHT WE MET

PART ONE - THE NIGHT WE MET

Pairing: Javier Peña/ Female Murphy!Reader

Words: 5.3k

Summary: You decide to travel to Colombia on a whim, there you meet a gorgeous stranger that just so happens to be your brothers partner. 

Content Warnings: 18+ Smut-ish (I wouldn’t wanna read it out to my mom), dry humping, dirty talk in Spanish which reader doesn’t understand so does it really count?, gratuitous love of the black shirt from the torture scene.

Anon was worried about losing my work when I switched blogs, so fear not. I’m reposting on here but I have no intention of deleting my other blog, it’s where I got my first 200 notes and I’m honestly blown away by it. I’m happy to announce I’m working on a fourth part. I’m not sure when I’ll post it as I’m still in the idea stage but it’s definitely a start, ay!

AO3

MASTERLIST

Author Note: So here is my return to writing! The word count got away from me but I loved every second of it. Always after prompts, so drop me a message on here if you’d like to see anything in particular. If it’s in my wheelhouse, you’ll definitely see it.  

Pedro in the black shirt is what inspired me to write this, I can’t lie.

If you were brutally honest with yourself, this spur of the moment decision may have been a mistake.

Other people could make these choices and not have that nagging feeling in their gut from the second they booked their fuckin’ airline ticket. You had attempted to grab your crappy life by its metaphorical horns and go and sort this shit show out by yourself, but after your momentary bravery was used up, all that was left was a crippling anxiety that threatened to send you into one of your full scale panic attacks if you thought too hard about the fact you were following your big brother to Colombia.

Yes, Colombia. You, a U.S. national with no particular interest in hunting Pablo Escobar, had decided to vacation in sunny, crime ridden Bogotá on a whim.

You were fuckin’ dumb.

Sarcasm aside, you weren’t actually here on vacation, you were going to check on Stevie. Your brother, one of the DEA agents assigned with taking down Escobar.

You’d been worried about him for a few months, it had sounded like he was dealing with heavy shit in South America, you knew that was the job, but he was still your brother.

His calls had gotten less and less frequent until he stopped returning them all together and the only reason you knew he was alive were your pep-talks with your sister-in-law, trying to help her keep her shit together, but hell, you weren’t a therapist or a miracle worker. So when Connie rang asking to stay at your place you had obliged and she had returned to Miami a mere shell of her former self.

After a mammoth amount of prodding over the course of two days you managed to wring the truth out of her, not the nuggets of information she had given you over the phone in hushed whispers during her time in Colombia but the whole messy story; the communist Elisa Alvarez, Steve’s kidnapping and the cold edges your brother was developing.

It was all you could do not to book the tickets there and then, but you held out and supported Connie in the ways Steve couldn’t have, taking care of Olivia when you could and just trying your hardest to be there for her. Your presence alone seemed to be enough to help her through the days that followed.  A week and a half after her return, you booked your flight to Colombia in secret.

You had to check on Steve.

He hadn’t answered a single one of your many many calls. You packed light and told Connie the morning of, and whilst she didn’t like it, she understood. You supposed that a part of her was relieved to know her husband would have someone in Colombia that wasn’t there to kill him.

So here you sat, two hours into your flight to the paradise destination; Bogotá. Your brother’s address scrawled on a scrap piece of paper in the one hand and a glass of cheap whiskey in the other.  The alcohol did little to to calm your nerves, this was a dangerous place for a cop, let alone a fuckin’ clueless civilian.

When the plane finally touched down, you stood from your seat emptying the last few drops of whiskey which had tried to evade you onto your tongue, you picked up your backpack and queued to leave the plane.

The second you left the aircraft the humidity hit you like a brick wall, it was like all of the fresh air had been sucked out of the atmosphere. On a normal evening you would appreciate such a warm climate, but now the heat meant frustration to your tired brain and it only added to your baseline levels of anxiety as your hairline and upper lip were drenched as you walked through the arrivals gate.

Cards on the table; you didn’t have much of a game plan, you spoke no Spanish and stuck out like a sore thumb. You had the address but no means to get there, you didn’t relish the idea of getting in a taxi as a woman alone in a foreign country, but with little to no other options you went to hail one of the cabs that sat outside the airport.

Your fears turned out to be for naught, well not quite naught as the man had raked his eyes across your body for a large percentage of the trip in his mirror, but he had the good grace not to kidnap or murder you, which for you meant it was a successful journey, how low you had set the bar was just occuring to you.

After paying the gentleman he dropped you outside what appeared to Steve’s apartment building. You take a moment on the pavement to recollect yourself ready for your reunion. Peeling your denim jacket off, you decide instead to wrap it around your waist, tying the sleeves securely. With a harumph, you grab the handle of your suitcase, and drag it behind you. Your success thus far gives you a second wind of determination.

Though apparently dumb luck can only get you so far, because after heaving your suitcase up a flight of stairs and rapping on the door of apartment 20 until your knuckles ached, it began to dawn on you, you had no clue if this was even the right building.

“Fuck.” you mutter to yourself, you should’ve rang Connie or tried Steve again when you landed, but you’d been so single minded in carrying out your plan all common sense had apparently abandoned you. So with a million different scenarios of things you could’ve done better playing out behind your eyes you dragged your suitcase to the small lobby of the building, where the front door stood.

You huffed and dropped onto the bottom step in surrender, not quite sure where to go from here.

Weeks of anxiety and worry finally took their toll on your body as reality set in, and as it did so you couldn’t help but laugh at the sheer stupidity of the situation you’d put yourself in. A light chuckle escaped your body as you held your face in your hands, you rubbed at your eyes as a way of refreshing yourself before sighing and leaning back.

You must have sat with your head in your hands for around three hours before anyone of note arrived, you had received strange looks from residents in their comings and goings as they stepped around you, your expectant looks turned to disappointment when you realised they weren’t Steve. In fairness, you, a gringa sitting on the stairs at 2am, most likely wasn’t a daily occurrence to these homeowners.

By the time he came through the door, your eyes were closed and your head was leant on the bannister, trying to get what little rest you could. Your eyes opened a crack to see a man and a woman enter the building and turn right, the man had his arm around her as he stared at you in confusion, the look was so quick you may have missed it if you blinked, but they were talking in low whispers of Spanish and from the looks of things he didn’t give you a second thought.

So you extended him the same courtesy and shut your eyes once again, you heard the metal jangling of keys going into the lock, the sound of smacking lips and then the door was closed. You figured that was the end of it, instead you heard hurried footsteps coming towards you, your eyes shot open as he rounded the corner.

“Estás bien?” The man questioned. It took you a moment to realise he was talking to you, as you took him in you were struck by your stupidity, how could you have dismissed this man so quickly even in the throes of a mental breakdown. His chocolate brown eyes bore into your own as you realised he was waiting for a response.

“Uh… no hablo… español?” you pretty much asked him, cringing internally at your butchering of the most basic sentence of this gorgeous strangers language, his lips quirked at your mumbles making his mustache raise on one side with his smirk. Now, you’d never been a fan of a mustache, Steve and your father had both taken to styling their facial hair in such a way, and as a rule of thumb they were a big no-no. But my god. This man made that mustache his bitch and that bitch worked for him.

“You’re American?” He questions, smirk dropping along with his eyebrows in confusion as his brain processes the information.

“Oh thank god and Jesus fuckin’ christ above. You’re American!” Your timid nature had given way to pure unadulterated relief. “Stevie, Steve Murphy, he lives in this building, yeah?”

“Yeah… Stevi…Steve lives here- I’m sorry, who the hell are you?” He asks with a puzzled look and a shake of his head, there’s an air of distrust about him for some strange reason.

“I’m Y/N Murphy, I’m his sister.”

“Sister? Mierda… does he know you’re here?”

“Nope,” You pop your P as you shrug at the man before you with false nonchalance. “He’d have to answer the phone to me or Connie to know that now, wouldn’t he?”

“Steve.” The stranger sighed, annoyed.

“Sorry, who are you?” You asked, yourself becoming more bemused by the man by the second.

“I’m Steve’s partner, Javier.” He held out his hand which you were more than happy to take in a shake, his tan hand was soft yet strong as it held your own captive within it. “C’mon in I’ll give him a call, God knows what time he’s planning on getting back.”

“Uh, I don’t want to interrupt…” You mumble, waving your free hand vaguely towards where you knew the woman was waiting for him, making him smirk once again.

You were beginning to think that the sarcastic raise of his mouth was just his default resting face.

“You’re not interrupting anything.”

Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘cause I’d think it to. This is how people die in America, let alone fuckin’ Colombia, but if it’s a choice between dying at the hands of a gorgeous man who seems to know your brother or a stray that wonders in through the non-descript lobby door then you’d rather go out with a nice view, even if he did have a girlfriend.

If you had to gamble, you’d say you had a damn good chance of making it out of this apartment alive.

So you nodded and used the hand he hadn’t released yet to pull yourself up into a standing position. He wasn’t particularly tall but he still towered over you, your eyeline gave you a great view past his black shirt which was unbuttoned quite liberally, you assumed that was courtesy of the woman he’d entered with.

“Thank you,” you nodded at him with a genuine smile of relief. He didn’t reply, only grabbed the handle of your pull along suitcase before extending his arm towards his apartment and motioning to wordlessly say, after you.

Now you know how people say when you can feel a stare? You had the sensation before, but as you leaned over to pick up your backpack from the bottom step, you felt his eyes laser focus on your denim clad ass. You turned your head in disbelief and found his eyes still lingered there for a moment before meeting your own. Unbelievable. Part of you was flattered, the other part was bemused that he had a beautiful woman in there waiting and here he was ogling you.

You rolled your eyes, instilled with a new confidence as you turned and walked towards his apartment, you felt his eyes follow your form once more.

Steve’s hot partner was an ass man… Good to know.

…

As it turns out Javier’s girlfriend, or what you we’re starting to think was more of a one night stand, was not happy with the situation at all, you came to this discovery as Javier pointed you to the sofa before beginning arguing with her in hushed Spanish, the beautiful woman huffed and sent a dirty look your way before storming out and slamming the door behind her, with enough power to make it shake in its bearings. You raised your eyebrows at Javier from your seat. He shook his head with a sigh and began lighting up a cigarette, he turned and offered you one.

“No thanks, I quit.”

“Woman with an iron will?”

“Not quite,” You whisper, shaking your head.

He smiles before clearing his throat and moving over to pick up his landline. Javier presses a combination of buttons, before putting it to his ear and blowing the smoke from his lungs. His eyes met yours as the phone rang, he gave you reassuring wink.

“Murphy? … Yeah…  you need to get back to your place now… You’ve got a guest…. No … come find out why don’t you?” Sarcasm dripped from his lazy tone, his voice was so smooth. It was like chocolate on gravel, you could listen to him talk for hours, which led your mind down that deep dark hole of what he sounded like during more carnal acts, he’d be a talker, for definite, what with all that confidence and swagger. “‘Kay… I’ll see you soon.”

Shaking your head you centred yourself, it had been a dry patch for you. You needed to calm down and not throw yourself at your brother’s partner, even if he just so happened to be the first man you had any interest in to show you attention in months.

“He’s on his way,” He confirmed what you already knew but you liked hearing him speak so you nodded in thanks. An awkward silence filled the air for a few moments, as you two perfect strangers shared one another’s company.

“Drink?” He offered pointing at the bottle of whiskey on the counter.

“God, yes.” You all but moaned at the offer. Javier chuckled, and grabbed a second glass from his cupboard, before pouring you both a generous serving.  He walked around the back of the sofa, and passed you the glass of liquid gold and took a seat next to you. Close enough to initiate something, but not touching, quite a respectful distance.

Initiate something? God Y/N, get your mind out of the gutter. This poor man had only invited you in because you were his partner’s sister and he was doing the decent thing.

“Uh… The television work?” You ask, pointing at the empty screen.

“I didn’t realise you could speak Spanish…” His voice was dripping with sarcasm, mocking your earlier attempts at the language, though he reached across and switched the box on with the remote, he began flicking through the channels so quickly he almost gave you a headache.

“Oh yes, I’m very proficient, I just didn’t want to intimidate you earlier. Hola Señor Javier.”  You say continuing his ruse. He chuckles at your words, it’s a deep warm noise that shakes his entire frame. You were definitely thinking about adding Javier’s voice to your top ten list of favourite sounds.

He flicks through the channels, for a few seconds before sighing and dropping the remote in your lap. Taking your assignment seriously, you sit up, bringing yourself a few inches closer to the man next to you, purely accidentally of course and begin flicking through the channels as Javier had done moments before, though 3am TV scheduling left a lot to be desired.

News, News, Colombian QVC, News, News, Soap opera. Bingo!

“Ah, now we’re talking.” You mumble, eyes stuck on the screen of the Colombian Soap opera playing. The two of you sat in silence once again as you slowly sipped on your drinks watching drama play out.

You watched in silence for around ten minutes, not understanding a single word of what was being said. The scene was on two latino actors sitting in a bedroom. The woman was sat on the bed being confronted by the man in a serious tone.

“What is she saying?” You question narrowing your eyes at the beautiful woman’s tone. Javier, who had been watching your reactions the whole time as you got into the awful tv show scrambled as he tried to listen and translate the woman’s words.

“Uh… her dads an alcoholic and she’s trying to support her son… that guy didn’t know about the son… I think… she was happy living a double life without the worry and she wants him to forgive her and start over…”  Javier translated, giving you the general cliff notes.

“Oh shit,” You gasped at his words, but your attention diverted to the screen where the two had continued their heated argument and began kissing or rather where the man was devouring her neck, “I’m getting vibes that he might be open to forgiving her.”

You chuckled at your own joke, as did Javier. Though this time when his body shook his bare elbow touched your own.

How was he so goddamn warm?

All he was wearing was a black button down shirt. One that looked to be the wrong size it was so tightly fitted- not that you were complaining about the view. My God, were you horny today.

You took a gulp of your drink, trying to refocus for the third or fourth time this evening, trying so desperately to reign in your inner school girl and focus on the television, though that didn’t help as the actors were now eating one anothers faces on a bed. The silence was thick with tension, though that could’ve been entirely on you; one innocent touch of a man’s elbow and you’re a blushing mess.  

Get a grip Y/N.

The silence dragged on as you pretended to watch the soap opera you had absolutely no understanding of in a futile attempt to ignore the man next to you. You can only imagine what he thought of your levels of focus on the tv, as you stared at the box in the corner of the room like it was the greatest cinematic masterpiece of all time and you were getting ready to write a full-scale analysis on the work of art.

Javier broke the tension in the room by finally asking the question that had been on his lips all evening.

“You came all the way to Colombia… Why?” Javier grabbed a cigarette off of the coffee table, placing his drink where the carton of smokes had been. He lit the stick and waited for your response, honestly, you were thrown. The question had come out of nowhere whilst you were still trying to analyse why exactly this man had such an effect on you when he was doing nothing but being a good host.  You hastened to think up a half coherent reply before you just answered truthfully.

“Steve stopped answering the phone, I mean he’s always been shitty at checking in, even when he was in Miami. When he got here we’d have a catch up every week or so, we all know how dangerous it is for you guys over here, so we joked about calling it ‘the alive check’. For the last couple of months, I was checking in with Connie more than Steve but he’d still pick up once every week, without fail. Then four weeks ago the fucker stopped answering my calls all together and Connie showed up on my doorstep with Olivia in tow last week.”

“Look, you coming down here probably makes more problems than it solves, Steve’s a big boy if he doesn’t call to check in, it’s probably ‘cause he’s busy…  He’s-” Something about Javier’s dismissive tone rubbed you the wrong way, call it sleep deprivation or blame the weeks of stress, but you were tired of being called paranoid. You were not an overbearing mother hen.

“My brother always answers my calls. Or at least he used to. I can’t begin to understand what you guys are going through, but I’m not losing my brother to some piece of shit Colombian drug dealer.”

Javier raised his hands in mock surrender, cigarette still in mouth. “He’s actually more of a drug lord slash narcoterrorist, but-”

“How is he?” You interrupt Javier’s attempt at diffusing the situation with humor, turning to him on the sofa. You rearranged yourself, bringing your leg up so your knee touched his thigh as you gave him your full attention,  you plucked the smoke from between his lips and held it between your two fingers as you spoke. “Tell me Steve’s fine. Tell me I’m worrying for nothing and I’ll get back on that plane and leave tomorrow morning.“

You take one drag and offer it back to him, he accepts it, deliberately looking you in the eyes as he places the cigarette in his mouth, attaching his lips to where your own had been seconds earlier.  He takes it from his mouth and stubs it on an ash tray that rests on the arm of the sofa, his focus is single minded on his task. The pressure in your lower stomach is mounting as you stare at the tanned man before you who is carrying out a menial task that has you more turned on than you’d ever admit.

When the red tip is extinguished thoroughly, taking much longer than you thought it needed to, Javi turns to you, his mahogany eyes have you pinned in your tracks. You found yourself admitting they were gorgeous for the second time this evening, they were the type of brown you could never quite describe, they had so much depth, not quite a chocolate, not quite coffee, they were rich and deep pools. They reminded you of the forest, not the green leaves but the earthy brown, the strong beams of wood that held everything up around it.

Javier’s hand emigrated forward slowly, your eyes followed the movement in your peripheral but you didn’t dare look away from the pools of molasses as he reached to grip one hand at your denim thigh, his eyes roamed your face for any sign of this being an unwelcome approach and when he found none his other hand began its climb to rest on your jaw, just below your ear.

You couldn’t say if you moved towards him or if he advanced on you, all you knew was he was on you now as the tips of your noses rubbed against one another.

“Quiero saborearte…” He whispered so lowly you barely even heard it before he leaned in that last inch and captured your lips in a single, chaste kiss. Your lips connected and you realised the heat you had felt from his arms had been nothing. Fire coursed through your veins upon contact, surging through your blood and going south to a pressure that built in your lower stomach.

Your hand shot up to land on his collarbone, before you could even really consider your own actions you pulled apart until your foreheads were the only thing touching.  He was intoxicating, you could lose yourself completely in this man, he somehow smelt like cinnamon, whiskey and sweat, a combination you’d never thought would send liquid fire through your central nervous system.  You’d give anything to taste him properly, but this was wrong. So so wrong. This was your brother’s partner, this was inviting complication to your door, when you were just here to check on Steve. You were here for Steve.

You were here for Steve…

“… This isn’t a good idea.” You all but whisper, closing your eyes. Regret pulses through your veins at your self imposed restraint.

“Never is.” He leaned forward and captured your lips. You didn’t have any fight left in you, exhausted and at wits end you embraced your spiral into stupidity instead and your hands glided across the clammy skin of his neck to grab at his short ink black hair. You wrapped your fingers around it to drag him closer to you, your lips clashed, all teeth at first but you didn’t care as his tongue began to fight against yours for dominance.

He tasted as good as you imagined, he was the right combination of sweet and bitter, with undertones of whiskey and tobacco on his tongue. Your response to his assault on your mouth told him it was go time, Javier pulled you into his lap and his hands lowered to your ass. Your body was flush with his own as your breasts pressed against his chest, you could feel every solid line of his lithe body against your own.

You licked at his honied tongue, before withdrawing and pulling his bottom lip into your mouth and sucking on the soft plush skin. His mustache tickled your upper lip, a sensation you weren’t used to but could so easily grow to love.  This made him tighten his grip on your backside in response and he let out a throaty groan at the meat he found there, Javier was definitely an ass man, you felt his bulge pressing against your core as you both began grinding against each other in earnest. You felt like a horny teenager as you grinded on a man you barely knew.

You felt him grip at the bottom of your tank top and begin to lift it, except he stopped, and began to rub patterns on the stomach he exposed. Javier’s mouth descended from your lips to begin to suck and lick at your throat. Your eyes rolled into the back of your head at his work as pleasure rippled throat your body. His hands slid the length of your body to grab at your chest, which conforming to every stereotype was heaving, he palmed your breast blindly as his face was still buried in your hair, sucking and kissing along to your ear, before he raised his mouth a mere inch and whispered  “Te follaré toda la noche niña.”

He said it with such surety that your body convulsed in on itself without even needing to know what the man above you was saying. You could only hope it was absolutely filthy and profanity ridden, because then at least, the sentiment would be shared. He bit at the lobe of your ear before his hands left your breasts and travelled to the hem of your tank top, getting ready to pull it over your head.

It was strange to say that you remembered your brother was on his way here as a man tried to take your t-shirt off, but that’s just the way it went. You knew if that top came off, dry humping would be the most PG action of the night and if Steve turned up and found you mounted on his partner, he probably wouldn’t be too thrilled.

You couldn’t stop yourself from stroking the man’s hair whose face was planted in between your tits as his hips rose against your own pushing his hardened length up against the seams of your jeans, you gasped as he hit that sweet spot. You let out a noise that sounded like a wail. You wanted nothing more than to lie back and let this man have his filthy way with your body. And you know, from the hour you’ve spent with this man it would be phenomenally filthy. The kind of sex that would ruin all men for you, but no. You had to be a good sister. Like a fuckin loser.

Sighing, you threw your body sideways before you could change your mind and ended up on your back. Javier followed you, caging you with his frame as he covered your body with his own.  Gripping your face like he was a starving man and you were the only sustenance he’d ever need. It would be so easy to get lost in him, to give in to that magic tongue but you couldn’t let this go any further so you placed a hand on his chest.

Taking your cue he paused his tongues assault on your mouth and stopped, resting his forehead against your own. You were both breathing heavily trying to come back down to reality, his eyes were no longer the chocolate brown you’d been comforted by when you met, but rings of obsidian staring into your soul. You wanted this man, my god you did. But this would make more problems for Steve.

The two of you stayed that way for a while, foreheads and bodies pressed against one another until both of your breathing evened out. The silence dragged, heavy in the air as you two strangers both waited for the other to break it.

“…Is Steve okay?”

“…No… He’s been fuckin’ mess ever since Connie left.” Javier sighed whilst closing his eyes and breathing deep. You raised your hands from his chest, which was difficult as he was crushing his body to yours and cupped his cheek, you joined your lips once more, much like the first kiss. This was sweet and there wasn’t a carnal appetite behind it but rather an understanding.

The loud knock on the front door startles you both as you’d been so wrapped up in one another you’d not heard the steps leading to it. The two of you split apart like a pair of guilty teens caught in the act. You both stared at each other for a second before he nods at you and walks to the front door whilst rearranging his bulge discreetly in his jeans, this was something you pretended not to see as you sat back up right on the sofa. You had only a moment to fix yourself, as you pulled your tank top from where it was hooked by your breasts and ran your fingers through your hair so you didn’t look like you’ve just had the ravaging of a lifetime.

Javier pulled open the door and you clutch your hands into your lap, not quite sure what kind of reception you were about to receive from your brother. You hear the two men greet one another in hushed whispers, you couldn’t make out Steve’s voice much until you hear his voice clear as day “…what the hell was so important it couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”

You stand from your spot on the sofa and quickly realise the button on your jeans is undone; if you’re honest you don’t even know how he managed to do that without you noticing, even though it’s not the time you take a solitary second to commend Javier on his artistry of disrobing a woman. Turning quickly you pull the rivet back through the hole and swing around as Steve crosses the threshold from the hallway.  

Steve looks from you, to Javier and then back to you once more in complete surprise. It takes his brain a hot second to process that you’re here in front of him and in Colombia before he rushes you. Clutching you tight and hugging you to his chest. You hear something that sounds suspiciously like a sob leave your brothers chest before he collapses into you. The front door and Javier’s bedroom both in rapid succession, giving you the privacy you knew your brother would need after breaking down like this.

You couldn’t support Steve’s weight with your considerably smaller frame and the two of you fell to the ground as you held your broken brother. His body shook with silent sobs as he buried his face in your shoulder.

You said nothing as you held him and stroked his hair. In that moment you thanked your every instinct that screamed at you to come to Colombia.

This had definitely not been a mistake.

[zhoras-bitch]

I've been asked by the user of the account prettybitchywitchy to explain to some of their followers that her account has been canceled without warning and its completely gone. She thinks is because of the spoilers again though this time she was respecting the only 5 pictures rule in most of her posts, but also we think that maybe the ironic ,sassy, sarcastic comments about "discouraging people by playing" were too somehow as harassment but its only a theory. The only thing sure is that someone in lovestruck was responsible since the account was exclusively for commenting spoilers.

I hope it’s okay that I’m posting your ask (message me if it’s not) but I think people in the fandom should be aware of the potential danger they’re in. It sounds kind of dramatic but I mean it. On tumblr, if you receive 3 strikes within 18 months, your account will be terminated. All of your likes and subscriptions, your messages and all of the content you’ve ever posted, including your side blogs. All of your hard work, time, emotional investment, gone without a trace.

Most of you already know Lovestruck has been sending strikes left and right. But not going to lie, in the back of my mind I still thought that it was just some sort of a scare tactic. Like, they’re not actually going to go all the way, right? If you’re under the same misconception, I just want to emphasize: they absolutely are.

Ever since Lovestruck announced their new policy (5 screenshots, no full CGs etc.), I was doing everything to comply with their rules. And today I got a strike anyway. No warnings, no messages. On a post I made months ago, before the Lovestruck started enforcing these rules. The post is deleted now but luckily I was able to restore a cached copy (the images were screenshots from season 1 of Ezra's route).

Firstly, the purpose of this post is clearly comment/criticism. Secondly, although it does use over 5 screenshots, all of them come from different scenes and are only used to illustrate the points that I make. Thirdly, it's completely positive, encouraging people to read the route.

I started this blog one and a half years ago, and since then I've made over 500 posts. Even if most of them are screenshots with small captions, it's also memes, aesthetics, fanfiction, reviews. It's something I loved and put hours of my time in. What do they want from me? Go through all of it, destroying my own work to comply with their new whim? Or sit here in constant fear that my blog can be taken down at any time? Being targeted like this, I feel hurt. Confused. Betrayed.

The actions that Lovestruck is taking seem to make no sense. They are attacking content makers, the most devoted part of the fanbase. They are losing old fans and getting less new players by discouraging engagement on social media. At this point it's hard not to assume that there's some malicious intent on Lovestruck's side, like it's their weird evil scheme to purge their fanbase of all old players who remember their mishaps, leaving only the blissfully unaware newcomers. But the truth is, I believe, that they actually, really, truly don't get it. And I don't even know which one is worse.

All of this has been said before. This post is not a call to action. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like just giving up.

Don't let it get to you. Take a break if you need it. Save your content. Be kind to each other and stay together. Maybe that way we can shout loud enough to get through to them.

[isshusgotissues]

heres something i thought would be interesting. all the digital character sets ive made for igi (there are a few random stray refs here and there on my blog i decided not to include bc they werent made for specific "sets" like shown here). the ones from 2016 were made before the blog and are on my old deviantart, minus the hoenn ones which never made it to the internet at all. the 2017 ones were made for the blog but i deleted all of them except for n a while back bc i hate them lol. also i said i would have liked to have gotten back to gen 7 last year but that obviously didnt happen. oh well.

more artists comments/retrospective:

2016: wasnt when the au started but when i decided to take on drawing-every-character-as-a-furry. the art style is... dated, but its got nice bright colors and i feel its charming enough aside from the questionable design choices. tho i still think some of them hold up fine (falkner, will, brawly) which i think ive already talked about before

2017: that awkward transitional phase i feel like. we do not talk about them❤

2018: i literally did all these on a whim. they were never planned to be lined or colored bc at this point i kinda started to question whether i wanted to continue the "everyone as furries challenge". some people are missing (the protags, hala, kahili, etc) bc again i did it on a whim and wasnt rly keen on being a completionist at that period in time.

2019: after finishing two sets of the same characters (the second was once again pretty much on a whim) i felt like embracing the gimmick for the blogs sake and once again being in the mindset of drawing em all. gives me something to work towards.

2020: i actually did gen 8 before gen 5, but placed them this way so the gen 5 ones would be next to the ones from 2019 and gen 8 would be next to gen 8 from 2021. the quantity-over-quality of these really comes to light here. they were rushed and the colors are washed out. i dont think i even posted the extra colress ones bc i forgot i made them hdjdsh

2021: i think i spent the most time on this set than i did for any of the others, focusing on fixing the mistakes of the previous year, colored line art, bigger canvas, better anatomy. you could argue most of them were unnecessary (alt outfit stuff) but i did it bc it was fun and also i wanted to impress you guys with big posts👉👈 so yeah. all the refs from now on are gonna have this kind of effort put into them.

[smiledog15578]

Before I sleep I just wanted to post these since I feel like to understand the situation better

First image: shitty as it sounds this thing he took from one of my posts was from blue shaded. Some dude who just loves to complain about everything any youtuber does like youtubers are supposed to be saints it’s just weird. Anyways ~ I’ve said this before but Ty was blocked during this time so obviously he was stalking and he KNEW it was him cause I knew he was talking shit. However I didn’t say his name so him getting butthurt really says something that he thought it was about him (and it was! But if I didn’t wanna say his name cause 1. I respected his privacy at the time and 2. I knew he would do this ☠️

Second image: I knew exactly what the fuck he was talking about. I say this because me and a friend saw him talking about it WITH HIS NAME HANDLE ON IT so you kinda fucked your self over with this one FR. If you want to see what he said it’s on one of @chatterghosts ‘s post I reblogged it so it’s probably below this one. I also find it funny that he thought I got it from Nate and Nate (why y’all named the same that’s so funny omg SORRY OFF TRACK) when I did but also like- blue shaded isn’t a private account you can see that shit in plain sight👁👁 hello. Also of course Nate knows the full story cause he told me AFTER you had this conversation and he told me everything but anyways 🎊

Third image: that’s probably a load of bs cause after you talked shit about Ethan you talked shit about jack. Not only that you FEED on this behavior. When I was in the discord you always talked shit about jack and nit picked over the smallest faults he’s made. You being associated with blue even ONCE tells me that you are attracted to these people (not romantically obviously but you get my point). Then we go onnn about me leaving the discord. Like I had the choice to tell you? I knew you’d talk shit about me if I told you why I left and if I lied you’d find out so I did the right thing and just left for good. I blocked ty on almost every platform I knew of and ghosted that mf (like I stated earlier, he found my only account I forgot to block him because I blocked him on the rest of my accounts🤡 I’ve met too many people who will do everything to find my other accounts just so they can have their say instead of just idk... maybe leaving that person alone?). A lot of my friends told me to leave ty with a LOT of evidence and personal experiences so this wasn’t just something I did on a whim. I took the courage to do it and I’m glad I did.

Fourth image: ANOTHER BS THING. I know damn well you simped for Mark so obviously you stood up to him the most. When I was being harrassed for liking Mark and how he’s a neo Nazi (? I still think that’s utter bullshit and also what’s up with mfs assuming every German last named mf is a Nazi like dude he’s a minority why would he be a Nazi- anyways) ty was saying so much stuff about how marks a good guy and while I do agree ty kept doing this a lot. Mark was his jesus to his crazy Christian after all. He babied Mark in a weird way like I get it I get that way too but I know that Mark is a grown ass man and he has to defend himself I’m not his momma and I’m not going to be a pokimane simp to him. In one of his rants about Ethan he said that Ethan was mooching off of unus annus like HELLO?? Ethan was apart of unus annus he should be proud of it? Plus it’s not like Mark hasn’t done the same thing and of course ty hasn’t said anything about Mark cause again Mark is a saint to him so not surprising. Ethan HARDLY gets credit for being apart if unus annus so I’m glad he gets to gloat about it because bruh if I did something like that I’d be promoting it and milking it it’s YouTube what do you expect- I feel like most people in this fandom treats Ethan as Mark’s sidekick like idk he didn’t also did as much as Mark? And I don’t even WATCH Ethan as much as Mark and I think this mf deserves more credit. The Markiplier has this weird double standard between youtubers idk I just find it odd as hell. Like the time pokimane came onto cloak and everyone calling her a slut? And whore? Like bruh I hate her but come on how low can you fuckin go. THERES a lot of bs in this fandom I could talk about after being in it for 6 years but that’s for another time❤️. the way ty says “I’m sorry what I said about Ethan made YOU upset” just sounds like “I’m sorry what I said made you feel that way :/“. It’s like what he said he doesn’t even recognize was wrong and doesn’t even care that what of he might of said was insensitive and just plain not in his lane to say that shit.

Fifth image: um what 😀 I was already out of the discord so do it yourself? Like yea lemme just ask to come back in and delete them🏃‍♂️- like no fuck you maybe you shouldn’t have treated people like shit I would of but no that’s your problem now. Also bruh my BLOG? I’ve never posted shit that I’ve had from the discord (aka discord screenshots) unless I forgot but from the looks of it he’s probably implying to delete my art from my blog😀. No bitch this is my blog you damn dictator I’ll delete something when I want to you’re not my parents. Also I hate this parenting attitude he has about how I have to do it 😐. Bruh you are a 20 year old man who likes Markiplier from the Internet I don’t gotta do shit HFHFJBJBJ. My final wish was to leave you loser for good but I see sore losers don’t like to see their teammates leave for their shitty behavior lolz.

TLDR: bitches ain’t SHIT this dude has serious abandonment issues over at the time 16 year old who doesn’t even know them irl

I’d like to say I didn’t bring up the actual things people who’ve talked to me about their personal experiences cause that’s for them to speak up about and that’s their private information. I’m only talking about my experience with this creep. Like I stated before I’m sick of this dude on my dick and bring up old fights that should of been resolved like a real mature adult but I guess a 17 year old has to finish this shit and many others.

I would go on more about the Ethan situation but you’ve heard me yak a whole essay of bs so I’ll leave that on hold (unless you wanna talk about it hmu 😏) idk if I should put this in the Markiplier tag cause this isn’t really a Big M problem but more of the cesspool of the fandom problem but I just want y’all Markiplier fans to watch out for this dude and I mean it PLEASE

[heffrondriving]

I'm sorry if this is a little assholely but after seeing your vent post I went looking for where you said to not tag names and the only place I saw it was at the end of your very long tags,, so assuming i didnt miss another more obvious place...? Have you thought of just putting that in the post itself? Because anyone who's seeing it second hand (as in seeing it after someone else rebloged it) won't see that tag + not everyone reads tags, you know :( sorry that it makes you uncomfortable but if you put it somewhere more visible, like in the body of the post, then at least people def will see it. Sending love either way 💕

nahhh nothing to be sorry for issall totally cool and encouraged and you are very kind,, tbh i was lowkey waiting around for something like this and i'm kinda glad for it and also surprised it's not at least fifty times worse??? in all honesty i think i am in dire need and deserving of the hardest dose of criticism at this point for all the stupid messy personal posts i make on a sleep-deprived whim, as i am fully aware that this is not the place for it, and i am and should never be exempt from getting my necessary comeuppance should it arise. and like i said, this quandary was completely of my own fault. i have made my stance on personal comfort posts clear numerous times before and only put them in subtler places like the end of my annoying-ass rambly tags because i really don't wanna bother people with something that sounds so trivially inconsequential, and it makes me incredibly anxious to add them in the post itself (as i reckon it just outright ruins the whole content and that's such a selfish and gross thing for me to do personally,, like who tf am i to ask anything of anyone ech :-/). but this is still my sole responsibility to properly handle and conduct myself online, and i'm so sorry if i came across like i'm attempting to pass the blame for my own self-implicated neglect, as no one else should be subject to dealing with my mistakes. (like no joke i screamed aloud when i read that you looked through my posts or tags??? PLS LICHRALLY NEVER DO THAT EVER THAT'S A VV BAD IDEA ACTUAL ONLINE EQUIVALENT OF DUMPSTER DIVING VIBES EXCEPT THE DUMPSTER'S ON FIRE AND CAUSES MAJOR BRAINROTOFFISITIS!!!!! (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`))

i've had a well-needed rest hrk composed myself, deleted my prev post (i'm also thinking of removing the post that spurred it just to be sure, t'was super terrible anyway lmao), and muted my notifs for the time being, so please do feel free to tag anything however you wish at this point—i know i'm making an absolute fool out of myself for this full 180 departure (just in time for april 1st tho so swings and roundabouts-) but yeah that's completely fine idk, and if my walnut brain has anything otherwise to say abt it they will be catching These Hands according to the Fists Of Fury Code!!!!! ᕦ(ò皿óᕦ) but in all seriousness, emotional dysregulation is the absolute worst but i understand that maybe i can't really set boundaries for something fully well out of my control, so i just give up the ghost on this bc what else is there to do. c'est la vie if it sucks for me, tough shit @ self tough it out bebs u asked for this :^) though i hopefully can, however, keep everything else out of sight and out of mind so that i don't have to deal with the self-imposed repercussions by willingly setting my triggers off and lashing out incessantly. like mmm that's toxic shit girlie no one wants that here bls get u some therapy pare *whaps myself with an abaniko fan*. it's 100% on me if i choose to expand the tags on my notifs, and what happens in other ppl's blogs should be none of my fucking business and i'm just a super nosy lurker goblin sometimes ig exhibit a: this is what being a chronic cave hermit does to the human psyche. irreversible damage u.......*steven he voice* EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!!!!! my sincerest apologies again for all the trouble and i really hope this answer doesn't come off as too sardonic or acerbic or anything of the sort, i know i goof a lot but i really do mean all of it, even if trying to convey appropriate tone indication in text form is so whack 😩

also i'm really sorry for this mf ten-volume novel series of an answer (i really hope no one's insane enough to actually read this....whatever the hell this is .-.). thank you so much for your patience and understanding, and please keep the love and give it to another funky cool blog who's worthy of it and not deserving of getting squished like a pestilent vermin under your steel-toed bootheel!! /lh ~(இ௰இ~) anywayyy let's ignore (slash unfollow hardblock permanent dni etc. etc....very good ideas, those, bc if i could block myself i would without hesitation smh get this chernobyl elephant's foot outta my feed) this and my other inane bullshittery and let bygones be bygones and go back to our silly manband content, shall we??? this blog is for no-braincell shits and pure dumbassery first and foremost i promise......also i have more poorly-made sh!tposts and kendall's pretty grampa face stuff which i wanna plague the btr tag with if that's still allowed pls ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

(^^^ i can't believe i actually got to use this gif for something sdjsfjksd)

[dreamkidddream]

Happy New Year and Thanks!

So when I started this blog, I just started it on a whim. I had ideas but was too scared to execute them because I thought I wouldn’t do good, but I finally just started it mainly for myself to try something new: writing. I didn’t have anything to lose, and worst case scenario is that I would just delete or abandon this blog if I really felt like my stuff was terrible lmao.

But I stuck it out, and I’m glad I did.

To have met all of the people I have on here has honestly been so amazing. I would have never thought I would ever talk with someone on here, and actually make friends with people on this app. I thought I would just be in my awkward little corner and post whatever drabbles I wrote last minute, but I started to come on here more and more to interact with everyone. Coming on here became a part of my day that I started to look forward to. Of course, it’s been good and bad days on here, but I love logging on and seeing what people have to say, the new content that they put out- it just feels nice and it’s fun to have people to talk to (as lame as that sounds sorry lol).

So to have come this far and have my writing being enjoyed, having people talking to me through my asks and dms whether it’s anon or not- I would have never thought I would ever see that. So I’m really grateful that I started and kept up with this blog, and that I got to meet so many of you. Doesn’t matter if we barely talked or talk every day, I’m so happy to have met you all (and remember, my asks are always open if you ever need to talk, mutuals or not!).

I feel like I would be bothering people if I tagged them (I might edit this later and tag them), but just know that I love and appreciate everyone on here :,)

Here’s to 1k and to a better year! 🍾💙

- Dream 💫