#i really should be asleep rn i’m losing it

[arthur-lesters-left-arm]

guys. guys in part 21 arthur walks up to the bar and says “blood” almost instinctively because his typical order is a blood and sand !!!

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens

[paarksunghoon]

hello omg i love love LOVE deep honey, which is rare cus i usually do not touch fluff at all but smth abt the way u wrote got to me. i was wondering that in case u wanted an idea, u could write abt sunghoon rushing over to take care of his sick girlfriend? :3 just a thought or any headcannons u have on that would do fine but if u wanna turn it into a drabble or fic that's good too, especially if it's a continuation of deep honey

anyways, that is all from me, have a good day!!!

thank you so much :’) for all of my nsfw drabbles and content, I really enjoy writing the softer kind of stories. switched up the request just a little. consider this a token of my appreciation for your kindness. xx

ps this is what I’m imaging him wearing

***

If there’s one thing you know, it’s that nothing good could ever happen when you text someone past 2AM.

Both existential and physical dread consume you the second you open your texts and see a plethora of unread messages due to your current state of being. You’ve been bedridden for what feels like years but it’s only been a few of days. It’s technically Sunday morning and technically you should be fast asleep, especially since you’d taken medication to help you rest throughout the night. But seems like your body has other plans for you.

Tossing and turning won’t do either. Your head feels much better than it has for the past two days. You’d taken two days off or classes because of intense migraines paired with what seems like onset sickness due to it being flue season. Guilt over missing classes and groveling to your professors (even if they extended grace and told you to rest up) ate you alive, only ebbing away when you closed your eyes and slept.

Your roommate has been away because of a family event and what was once a promising weekend full of relaxation and the apartment to yourself is now a time for you to wallow in your misery. You’ve gone through countless tissues and have slept more in the past few days than in your entire life. It feels like your head might as well be cut off with how many problems your eyes, nose, and throat are giving you.

To pass the time, social media distracts you for a few minutes and you catch glimpses of what your friends have been up to. Partying. Studying. Eating at the cafeteria. All of these are mundane events you took for granted because you’d love to be anywhere but rotting away in your apartment. You’d rather studying for a midterm over feeling like you can’t move without losing your breath.

You take this time to catch up on texts as well. There are so many what remain unread by you and guilt crawls up your spine as you begin to reply to everything.

hi riki!! sorry I haven’t replied yet. I’ve been sick all weekend :/ I wish I could’ve gone to jake’s game with u bc it looked so fun ☹️

jungwon ur your cat is so cute omg…please send more vids. also sorry for replying late im sick lol

sunoo I swear to god if you watch another episode without me, I’m gonna beat your ass whenever I recover

yes, mom. I’m resting as much as I can! sorry I haven’t responded sooner. I still feel sick

heeseung do u think sunghoon would be weirded out if i text him right now. pls advise 😁

Heeseung immediately reads the message and the text bubble appears straight away. He’s one of your closest friends in university who always happens to be friends with Park Sunghoon, the guy you’ve been talking to for the past month and a half.

heeseung: Nah not weird. He’d probably like hearing from you

heeseung: He was asking about you earlier today and said you haven’t been talking to him as much

you: looking at my phone made me nauseous :/

heeseung: You should probably tell him that bc he’s been staring at his phone all day

you: soooo it wouldn’t be weird if I texted him out of the blue rn?? usually we don’t like…start conversations so late

heeseung: You’re overthinking. Just text him and if he doesn’t reply then he’s asleep and will text you in the morning

you: I’m scared of fucking it up

heeseung: There’s nothing to fuck up. If he gets mad that you took care of yourself (he won’t be) then he’s the one who fucked up

you: ugh when did u become the voice of reason

heeseung: :)

Your thumbs hover over the keyboard after you’ve opened Sunghoon’s text. You can imagine his slight pout when you think about how he’d react when he realizes you haven’t texted him back, which makes you feel even more guilty than you already are.

You’re not really sure how you started talking to him, let alone befriended Heeseung to the point where he started inviting you to hang out with him and his group of friends. Heeseung had originally been a study partner for a shared class back when the two of you were sophomores. It’s been a couple of years since then and now most of your conversations consist of TikTok jokes and Heeseung having to deal with you pining over one of his friends.

Sunghoon is every bit of cool you can imagine. He was so quiet when you first met him, residing in his oversized sweater since it was approaching the beginning of autumn. Heeseung invited you to a local bar on a Friday night after midterms and said your first drink would be on him if you made it before last call, knowing very well you were likely getting ready to slip underneath your blankets and call it a night.

He was right as always. You showed up wearing jeans and an old shirt with a jacket that was too big for your body. You’d made somewhat of an effort to look presentable since you’d be hanging out with his friends near campus and would rather not look like you’d gotten rolled over by a locomotive. It was there you met Sunghoon for the first time. He was so quiet that you barely heard him talk until an hour into hanging out with him, but that’s when you learned that he was someone you needed to get to know before he’d show you his loud, boisterous personality.

The more you hung out with him, the more you started to picture yourself with Sunghoon, away from the group you started to call your friends too. You’d only see him when Heeseung invited you out or if you bumped into someone else while Sunghoon was in tow with them. Neither of you seemed to cross paths otherwise and even then, Sunghoon was a bit too timid to approach you first and start a conversation.

Part of you wondered if you were ever too bold when you’d get drunk with him and your friends. You were loud, full of laughter and affection that none of your friends were surprised every time you shouted compliments across the tables and declared your love for the little group you considered to be your family away from home. Heeseung had gotten used to it pretty quickly and so did the others, albeit it took a while for their ears to stop glowing red every time you’d pull them into a drunken hug.

Maybe you sent a little too far with Sunghoon, who immediately tensed when your arms wrapped around his shoulders the first time you let your inhibitions down fully. A few beers and shots in, and Heeseung was anticipating your drunken rant about how much you love the little life the five of you had created and hoped that it would continue even after you all graduate.

Sunghoon always looked a bit intimidating with his dark, thick eyebrows and shielded his wandering eyes. He always looked like he knew what he wanted and his grace always made you think twice about what you’d say to him. Although, you knew this was the beginning of an onset crush that wouldn’t remain hidden for long, let alone when you weren’t sober.

So you’d thrown your arms around Sunghoon’s shoulder and told him how happy you were that Heeseung introduced the two of you. While you try not to think about that moment too much, you recall telling Sunghoon that he was slowly starting to become one of your favorite people because of how funny he is when people least expect it. You liked that he was so kind to his friends and that he was so confident in himself, and that you wished you could be a little more like him.

You also said he was the most beautiful person you’d ever seen. It was a sobering moment because he looked at you like you’d grown two heads and his shoulders felt like they might’ve been pushing you off of his body.

Stumbling with consistent apologies, none of your mutual friends seemed to notice what was happening behind them. You can picture the look on his face when your mind crosses to this moment, how he’d looked at you with bewilderment with his mouth ajar. Sunghoon didn’t say anything and you took that cue to leave him alone and head to the bar, where you hoped distance would make this night seem less tragic than it was.

When morning came around, you were the only person in your shared group chat who declined getting a late morning breakfast due to your embarrassment. Even during the next weekend, when Jake opened up his apartment for a casual hang out, you were the only person who didn’t show up, citing work and study stresses keeping you away from your friends.

Heeseung knew those were merely excuses.

“Cut the shit, Y/N. Are you okay? Did one of the guys do anything to make you uncomfortable?” The worst laced in his tone made you feel guilty for having him think the worse of people he knew before he met you.

“No, nothing like that. I think I’m the one who fucked up and made them uncomfortable.”

“Well clearly not since Jake invited you to his place. What’s going on? Do you want me to come over?”

The last thing you expected from Heeseung was to see him double over in laugher when you explained your predicament, clutching onto your bed like he’d fall to the ground if he didn’t. You’re sure that fit of laugher gave him a new set of abs.

“Sunghoon wasn’t weirded out. He texted me and asked if you were okay.” Heeseung pulled his phone out of his pocket to show you, leaving you in a cloud of confusion. “He probably likes you. Sunghoon’s a natural with girls even if he doesn’t realize they’re flirting with him. I think he likes you too because he’s acting really awkward because he doesn’t know how to deal with it.”

That night left you with more question than answers. You considered texting Sunghoon and asking if the two of you could talk, but you didn’t want to make him even more uncomfortable and tell him what Heeseung told you in fear of putting your friend in an awkward position. So you let the discomfort settle and braved seeing him the next time one of your friends invited you out.

Which, to no one’s surprise, was the weekend after Jake’s get together. Seoul’s autumn carnival was in its third weekend by the time the five of you were able to find adequate time to ride every rollercoaster and eat until your stomachs caved in. You loved the fair and were the first person to buy an admission ticket. Poor Jay, who wasn’t the biggest fan of big rides in the first place, tagged along with Jake every time he insisted on it. You tried your best to keep some distance between yourself and Sunghoon, even if Heeseung said you were being ridiculous. You’d chosen to stick by him until Sunghoon volunteered to help you pick up the food trays when you lost a game of rock-paper-scissors.

“I’m sorry that I acted weird that night,” he said, cutting the silence as the two of you waited for your order. He didn’t have to explain. You knew what he was talking about. “Heeseung said you felt bad for making me feel uncomfortable but I need you to know you didn’t make me feel that way.”

That was the longest sentence he’d ever said to you, let alone it being the first time he initiated a conversation with you. He watched as you stood with your eyes wide and mouth parted like you wanted to say something but didn’t know how to say it.

“I think you just caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting you to say nice things about me. I didn’t realize we were that close because you’d been affectionate with everyone but me up until that night.” He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “I was, uh, flustered.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He averted your gaze and looked at his shoes momentarily before he looked back at you. “I liked what you said. I haven’t stopped thinking about it.”

You laughed at the awkwardness dissipating. “I thought I crossed a line, or something. You just sat there and I thought I fucked up by touching you.”

He shook his head. “You didn’t. I…I liked it a lot.” You tried to hide a grin by keeping your bubbling excitement under wraps failed miserably. Sunghoon smiled too, offering to carry most of the trays back to the table where your friends were too hungry to talk for the next ten minutes.

The memory brings you back to the present where your thumbs hover the keyboard. You start to read back the conversation between the two of you and feel those butterflies erupt in your stomach for the umpteenth time. The two of you have talked about anything and everything. Nothing is off limits. So why is texting him to let him know you’ve been sick for the past few days so difficult for you?

you: hi

you: sorry I haven’t texted a lot in the past few days. I’ve been having migraines and now I’ve caught a cold ):

you: im sorry for texting so late too

He texts immediately.

sunghoon: You don’t have to be sorry. Are you feeling better now?

sunghoon: Actually don’t answer that

Your phone rings.

“Hey,” you say with your phone propped against your ear. “Sorry for bothering you.”

“You’re not bothering me. I’m the only who’s calling you when you’re sick, so I’m technically the one bothering you.” His laugh on the other line makes you smile a little too hard. “I was really worried. None of the guys heard from you so I figured you needed some space.”

“Unfortunately. I had to skip a few classes because it hurt to stand up. I’m pretty sure I’ve slept more this past week than I have in the last month.”

“I’m sorry. That really sucks.”

“I feel bad that I haven’t been able to talk to you.”

As if Sunghoon could sense you pouting, he clicks his tongue and reassures you. “It’s fine, Y/N. I’d probably do the same thing. I can’t imagine how much pain you’ve been in.”

“I would honestly rather study and take a million midterms than go through this again. I feel like someone just took their shoe off of my head.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. Can I bring you anything? Medicine, maybe?”

You cough a little. “No, but thank you. My friend dropped off a lot of NyQuil and other stuff to help me. It’s working…kind of. Still feel like shit, though.”

“…Can I come over? To help you with your sickness, of course. I can bring you soup.”

“You don’t have to do that.” You frantically rise from your bed amidst his words and realize there are tissues on the ground and dirty clothes strewn everywhere because of your lack of energy. Your living room must be a mess, too, and this would also be the first time Sunghoon would see you without any makeup on.

“I want to. But I mean, only if you’re up for it. I don’t want to stress you out since you’re sick. I just want to help make you feel better. That…and I miss you.”

Sunghoon’s never been so direct before. Even though the two of you have been talking for a while, neither of you have been so forward about it. Conversations are always subtly flirty to the point where the effervescent feeling simmers just underneath the surface. The two of you have hung out without the rest of your friends and have been alone before, but neither one of you has gone so far as you be so bold about the other.

“I miss you too,” you whisper into the phone.

“Give me thirty minutes. I’ll come with soup.”

He hangs up and with a newfound sense of urgency, you make your bed and throw away any stray trash. You put your dirty laundry in the hamper, which is piled high and untouched. It’ll be a problem for when you’re not sick.

The living room isn’t too bad. You straighten furniture and throw away empty takeout containers and wash a few utensils. The tasks don’t feel as draining as they did a few days ago and you’re starting to regain a little bit of your breath.

True to his word, Sunghoon arrives thirty minutes after he said he would. You open the door and look at him. He’s wearing blue hoodie and sweatpants with specs that make him look significantly more attractive than you’re used to.

“Hi,” Sunghoon says with a gentle smile. “I missed you.”

You bite your lip and blurt out your first thought. “You look really good in those glasses.”

Sunghoon chuckles. “Thank you. Can I come in?”

“Right, right.” You step aside and he follows you into your apartment. He takes his shoes off and places them neatly by the shoe rack.

“I might need to reheat this. I got it from that place near my apartment. You know, the one with the yellow banner?”

“I love that place.”

He smiles at you. “I know. Can I heat up some soup for you?”

When you nod, Sunghoon moves to the correct cabinet and pulls out everything he needs. It astounds you because he’s only ever been to your apartment twice before, both times with your other friends in tow. It dawns on you that it’s the first time the two of you are alone in your space. You’re touched that he remembers where your things are.

He beckons you to sit on the counter in front of the steaming bowl and the aroma of spices makes your mouth water. You haven’t been able to eat consistently in the past few days, surviving on bland foods like bread and crackers to sustain your health because anything else made you feel sicker than you were. The steam feels good against your skin and you dig in right away.

Sunghoon pulls your hair back when it gets close to the rim and holds it for you while you lap up the soup. It seems as though you’re hungrier than you thought because you sit there wordlessly, shoveling liquid into your mouth while Sunghoon watches.

“Sorry,” you apologize. “I must look like a zoo animal.”

“You’re sick, Y/N. You have nothing to apologize for. The first meal you can stomach is the best one.” It’s like he gets you. Sunghoon continues to hold your hair back until you’re finished. He washes the bowl and spoon, and puts it back where they belong.

Sunghoon turns around and looks at you under the ambient lighting you and your roommate put up in lieu of the overhead lights. It feels like he’s inspecting you and you try really hard not to think about the fact that you don’t feel presentable in this moment.

“Your apartment feels very you,” Sunghoon says. “I like all of the green furniture and the art on the wall.”

“My roommate picked the decor out but I’m starting to understand why she loves art so much.”

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” he asks, looking at you. “Would you want to go to an art museum with me?”

“I’d really like that.”

Sunghoon pulls you by the hand to your couch and you try your best not to feel flustered with his touch. He sits you down on the cushion and immediately you feel like you need to be hyper vigilant because he’s looking around the apartment and you’re wondering if he can see the messes you see.

“Do you have a blanket? We could watch some TV. Or I could go. I don’t know.”

“Don’t go.” You say it too quickly but Sunghoon’s shoulders relax. “The blankets are beside the couch.”

He drapes it over you, leaving himself to fend for the cold. Although you’re sure he’s pretty warm, you open up the blanket and invite him to share it with you.

This is new territory. You two have just been talking. But Sunghoon isn’t deterred. He slots himself next to you and doesn’t shy away when he feels your arm pressed against him.

“Sorry for the mess. And for, well…” He watches you gesture to your face, which is undoubtedly red with dark circles underneath your eyes.

“You don’t have to apologize for anything. I still like you.”

You aren’t used to him being so upfront like this. He watches you with easy eyes, the kind of feeling that makes you believe what he says. Sunghoon is pretty reserved when it comes to these types of things and you often find yourself being the one to push him towards his bolder side. But even though you feel flustered by his words and underneath his stare, you like this newer side of him.

“I’m such a mess.”

Sunghoon watches you push your forehead into his shoulder in an attempt to hide yourself from him. He smiles at your antics and loves the feeling of your body on his. He’s been hesitant to do things like hold your hand or kiss your cheek in fear or overstepping a boundary. He doesn’t know what came over him when he held your hair back from falling into the hot soup. He knows very well that he could’ve asked where you kept your hair ties, but helping you when he knows you need it felt like the right thing to do.

Now, he wonders if you’re growing bolder with him too. You let your forehead rest against his hoodie as you take deep breaths. He hears you sniffle a few times and nearly coos at the mere thought of you suffering from your sickness. When you pull yourself away from him, the tip of your nose is slightly runny and your eyes look a bit more red than usual.

“I feel like I got hit by a truck.”

He bites his lip. “You could look worse.” You try not to let your cheeks rise in heat.

“You’re just being nice.”

Sunghoon laughs and shakes his head. He could never lie about how he feels towards you. “Nope. You still look really cute.” He watches the gears work inside your head and locates the TV remote when you don’t say anything. “What do you want to watch?”

“I dunno.”

“C’mon, you must’ve been watching TV while you were cooped up here.”

You shake your head. “Migraine, remember? Felt like my eyes were gonna burst.”

This time, he coos out loud. Sunghoon puts on a show you’ve mentioned enjoying in the past and hopes he chose correctly. You seem to be mellowing out and paying attention to the screen in front of you until you start breathing heavily. It’s not until he hears you try to silence a small coughing fit that he shoots up from his seat and pours you a glass of water.

“Here.” Sunghoon doesn’t let you hold the glass. Instead, he beckons your mouth open by placing the rim between your lips and lets you swallow the water, tilting it up until you’ve consumed all of it. He wipes the excess water from the corners of your mouth with his thumb and looks down at you with concern. “Do you have any tea? I can make you some. Hopefully that’ll soothe your throat.”

“Stupid medicine isn’t working,” you grumble. “I might as well perish.”

“Tea, baby,” Sunghoon says, the pet name rolling off his tongue with ease. You almost don’t notice it. “Where do you keep your tea and honey?”

“Cabinet beside the fridge.”

Sunghoon comes back a few minutes later with piping hot chamomile tea with honey. You don’t know how he does it, anticipating your every need and putting just enough honey where it doesn’t feel like you’re stuffing your throat with the sweet nectar. You sip on it slowly as he situates himself back underneath the blanket and keeps his eyes on the television while you try to calm your erratic heartbeat.

Eventually, the episode finished and it’s almost four in the morning when you start to get sleepy. Sunghoon hears you yawning beside him and does his best not to grin like a lovesick idiot when you push your body against his in an attempt to get comfortable. You’re holding the empty cup loosely in your hands when your eyes start to droop and as much as Sunghoon would love to stay like this, he knows it’ll be better for you to sleep in your own bed with your back against the mattress.

“Baby,” Sunghoon whispers. He grabs the mug from your hands and sets it on the coffee table. “I think you should sleep in your bed. You’ll feel a lot better when you wake up.”

“But you’re so warm.”

He bites back a smile. “Thank you, but you’re gonna wake up with back pain and I know you’ll be mad that you didn’t sleep with pillows.”

He’s right and you know it but that doesn’t stop you from letting a whine slip past. Sunghoon doesn’t complain when you lean on him for support (or rather, you push your full weight onto him because you cannot be bothered with physical tasks at this late hour). Instead, he holds your waist with his arm and guides you into your bedroom from his memory of coming here a couple times before now.

Despite this, he’s never been inside your room. You’ve always kept the door closed but as he opens it, Sunghoon completely melts at how your bedroom is so utterly you. The dark green comforter hugs your queen-sized bed and a mountain of pillows cover the top near the bed frame. Your desk is an organized mess of notebooks, pens, and highlighters you carry with you during study sessions. Photographs in pretty frames decorate your walls along with posters of your favorite music and films.

He spots a picture of the two of you from that day at the amusement park when Heeseung insisted on taking a photo since the lighting was “perfect.” Sunghoon suspected that wasn’t the case but let him take it anyhow. He always considered that to be his first official memory with you. Knowing you might feel the same makes Sunghoon’s heart flutter.

“Let’s get you into bed, yeah?”

His soft touches make you fall much deeper into your tiredness. The mattress below you feels too good to be true as Sunghoon opens the blankets for you to crawl underneath. He watches you carefully as you scoot to one side and make yourself comfortable, wondering if you’re enjoying the side of him that wants to pamper you.

When you’re all tucked in with the blankets underneath your chin, Sunghoon can’t help but lean down and brush a few stray hair strands from your face. He caresses your cheek and holds himself back despite your lips being right in front of him. Instead, he settles for rubbing your soft cheek with his thumb before leaving.

Except, you reach out and grab onto his wrist. “Where are you going?”

His looks back at you in the dim light. “Home, baby. I’ll let you sleep.”

The pout you’re wearing is tearing him limb from limb. “I don’t want you to go home.”

“No?”

You shake your head. “Please…I haven’t seen you at all this week.” Sunghoon hears the strain in your voice and he isn’t sure if you’re awake enough to know what you’re saying. “I-I just want you here with me.”

How could he say no to that?

Sunghoon sits on the empty side of the bed and lets you guide your hand in his bigger one. He watches as you shake your head and he’s about to ask what you mean when you open the blanket.

He feels momentarily guilty when he pulls his hand away from you because he hears you whine again, but he slips off his hoodie to avoid overheating. He’s left in his sweatpants and a loose shirt when sliding into your bed right next to you.

You waste no time and attach yourself to Sunghoon, pushing your body until you’re resting on his chest. He does his best not to let his heartbeat give him away. This is the most he’s ever touched you. At best, he’d brush his hand against yours and waited for the right time to hold it. Today feels like he’s thrown caution into the wind.

Sunghoon puts his glasses on your night table and pulls you close to him, encircling his arms until he finds a comfortable position. Your warm breaths litter his skin and he feels like he could run laps with how happy he is in this moment. You look so cute with your body limp against his. He loves that you’re not hesitant around him anymore and hopes you know just how much he wants you close to him.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Sunghoon says in the dark, unsure if you’re still awake or not.

“What’s your secret?”

Your eyes remain closed, eyelashes covering your beautiful eyes and your cheeks are squished into a pout against his chest. He looks down at you like you’re precious cargo and a rare gem he never wants to let go of.

“I really want to kiss you.”

You don’t say anything. Instead, Sunghoon feels you move your head until you press a kiss against his chest, allowing your lips to linger for a few seconds before reverting back to your original position.

“Kiss me tomorrow.”

Sunghoon hears you snoring soon after.

“Yeah,” he whispers to himself. “I can do that.”

***

comments and reblogs are appreciated! x

[some-of-us-watch-the-sunset-too]

hii I don’t know if I’m supposed to give ya a prompt like said. But I’ve been feeling angstyyyy sooo if you can no bother my love, could ya do : all of the outsider boys reacting to you (s/o) death?

A/N: Hi anon! the post for the prompts thing is here but i’m taking requests too so dw! I’m feelin the angst rn so this was perfectly timed!

The boys if their S/O d!ed

———————————————————

⚠️ TW for death, implied suicidal thoughts ⚠️

Darry

He would go on living for the most part, not because he doesn’t care about the fact that you’re gone, but he just can’t afford to shut down. if he does, he risks losing Soda and Pony too.

He’d bring flowers to your grave once a week, on Wednesdays (don’t ask why i just decided this). Your favourite flowers. When the first bunch he put down dies, he gets someone he knows, (maybe Ponyboy, i feel like he’d dig arts and crafts) to either press the flowers or dry them so he always has them, even if they bring back painful memories.

To add to the whole getting flowers thing, he’d always take one out of each bunch, just like he did before your death to make sure that he replaces them as soon as they wilt.

He most likely got the call about your passing and had to tell the guys. He tried to stay calm while telling them but he broke down before he could finish.

Ponyboy

This hurts just to think about! He, unlike Darry would shut down completely. He’d be failing class, wouldn’t get out of bed and would hardly eat. If we count it as after Johnny and Dally die, that would be 3 people he cared about that died (other than his parents)

If you two watched the sunset together often i feel like he’d never watch it again. it would be too painful for him.

Whenever he gets into an argument with Darry he runs out of the house and straight to your grave. He’d sit there and vent to you and eventually fall asleep there. the guys probably put a bench by your grave so he’d sleep there.

I think that after he was functional again, he’d get very cold and bitter, kinda like Dally. He’d get into fights all the time and would start acting out. He just doesn’t know how to cope with you gone..

Sodapop

Sodapop would go to your grave everyday after work and just talk to you about his day. he would fill you in on everything going on with the guys, any rumbles or fights with socs, stuff like that.

I honestly think that if Soda was serious about your relationship he would have given you a promise ring. I think that even after you were gone he would keep wearing it and maybe even put yours on a chain and wear that under his t-shirt, right next to his heart.

If it was a violent death? He would completely stop fighting, he would only see it as a constant reminder of what happened to you, he would realise that it really didn’t do any good.

He wouldn’t fully shut down but i think he would stop hanging out with the guys so much and would get very quiet. He wouldn’t be his laughing, wild self anymore. He knows that isn’t what you would’ve wanted but how could he keep on joking when you were gone? how could he ignore it?

Dally

Dally would go on hating and fighting more than he ever did. The world took so much from him and now it took you too? Why should he care about anyone or anything if you weren’t there anymore.

He’d spend a lot of time at your grave. No talking, he’d just sit there and smoke a cigarette. Sometimes he’d silently cry, but he hates crying out in the open.

Dally would blame himself. It doesn’t matter how you passed away, he would look at every detail of the days leading up to your death and see if there was any moment where he could’ve done something to stop it. if it was a violent death, could he have stopped you from getting into that situation in the first place? if it was an accident, could he have stopped it from happening, could he have made it so that it was him instead?

Steve

Steve would be kind of like Dally. He’d hate and fight more than ever. How could the world be so cruel that he’d take you from him?

I feel like it could be his first proper experience with loss, which is different to the others that i’ve written about so far. He really wouldn’t know how to cope. he’d try to go on living, then he would shut down for a while, then he would probably just have to get out of town for a while.

I honestly think he’d do something drastic. Rob a gas station or snap and start a fight with his dad or something. He would get very reckless too. where he would be careful when competing in drag races, now he would speed up if anything.

He is so afraid of forgetting your face. He keeps a picture of you in his jacket pocket to make sure he doesn’t forget but he realises he’s starting to forget the smaller things like how you’d make this particular face when you’re being sarcastic, and how your face would light up when someone mentioned your favourite things.

Two-Bit

Two would start drinking even more, you were lucky to see him sober. He’d stop hanging out with the guys.

He would be angry for a while. Angry that you left him here alone. Of course he knows deep down that it’s not your fault but he can’t help it. Two probably went to your grave one day, drunker than ever. He started giving out that you left him and ended up throwing his bottle of beer at your headstone. That snapped him out of it. He picked everything up and cleaned the headstone best he could.

After the angry phase is gone he would start to write you letters filling you in on everything. He couldn’t bring himself to go to your gave so he just pretended you had moved far away. He puts them in a big box under his bed. He considered burning them, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it

He sometimes forgets you’re not there though. Say if he’s doing something he might yell “Y/N could you pass me the ___” then remember you’re not there and just sits down and cries, even a few years after.

Johnny

Johnny really can’t deal with it. With his parents being so bad and you being his main support, he couldn’t take it anymore.

I honestly think that he would run away, let everyone forget him. Sometimes he would consider the ways to see you again, but luckily someone always snaps him out of it.

He hangs out with the guys more than ever, it keeps him from shutting down completely. they become his main support, but he’s even more quiet, he sits a little outside of the group when in the curtis’ house.

After a few months of grieving he remembers a list you guys wrote about all your hopes and dreams. So he decides that he’s going to complete everything on it. He lives for the two of you.

[ur-boyfiend]

here's some changlix x reader fluff because i'm eepy and want to cuddle and kiss the loml rn but i can't :( kinda wish i'd done more for the ending but i've got no clue what to add rip

i also added the cut so it's a bit less annoying to scroll past ^^

you groan in relief, collapsing face-first onto your bed. your shift was exhausting, most of the kids in the special ed pre-k group you work with struggle with communication, but one consistency is that if one of them is having a bad day, they’re all having a bad day. 

you’re also empathetic to a fault, and you get it, you really do, but that doesn’t make these kinds of days less tiring. it makes them more tiring if anything. you’re just glad that it was a half day so you only had your morning class. 

you know that your boyfriends won’t be home for a while, since they both have afternoon shifts, and had already left by the time you got back. instead of trying to do anything productive, you wrap yourself up in the comforter from the bed the three of you share, falling asleep after only a couple minutes.

you wake up again to the sounds of people moving around the apartment, you stay put and listen to the shuffling and chatter. you quickly recognize your boyfriend’s voices, they’re trying to be quiet but they’re not particularly good at it. 

rubbing your eyes, you climb out of bed, still with a throw blanket around your shoulders. you trip over your own feet slightly, almost falling, but you catch yourself before your face can have an unwanted meeting with the floor. 

the bedroom door squeaks as you open it, and you hear the talking stop, but it starts up again after a moment, both of them blaming the other for waking you up. you laugh, making your way into the kitchen where your boyfriends are sitting at the breakfast bar. 

“mornin’ sleepyhead,” changbin teases, earning an eyeroll. 

“like you’re any better, binnie,” felix responds, laughing.

you sit on the stool next to felix, resting your head on his shoulder, “this is why felix is my favorite.”

changbin rolls his eyes, “i was the one that went out to get ice cream at 3am so y’all could eat it while crying over finding nemo.” 

you lift your head and point at him, “you said you wouldn’t make fun of us for that.”

“i’m not making fun of you, i’m just stating a fact.”

“speaking of ice cream and movies at 3am,” felix butts in, before the two of you can start bickering, “we should do a movie night again. we still haven’t taken down the fort from the last one.” 

you hum in agreement, “corner store and boba?”

“hell yeah lets gooooo!” changbin is halfway to the apartment door before he’s even finished the sentence, you and felix laughing at your boyfriend. 

you drop the throw blanket back onto the bed before grabbing a hoodie and sneakers and following your boyfriends out the door. as you walk to the store you chat idly, by the time you get there you’re holding hands with felix, changbin’s arm around your waist.

you quickly grab snacks, and changbin ends up paying, you and felix both grumbling about it, but you both forgot your wallets so there’s not much you can do.

you decide to grab ramen bowls as well as bubble tea from the boba place, you fishing a gift card out of your jacket and holding it up triumphantly before changbin can pay. he rolls his eyes, but he’s fighting to keep from smiling. eventually felix pokes him in the shoulder a few times and he loses the fight, trying to swat felix’s hands away. 

once you’ve claimed your order and thanked the restaurant staff, you start heading back to your apartment. this time felix is in the middle, changbin on one side, and you on the other, occasionally squeezing felix's hand as you walk. 

you put the bags of food in the kitchen once you get back and grab a few more blankets and pillows from your room, changbin grabbing gyu as well, you and felix also choosing plushys from the marginally unreasonable collection you’ve amassed. 

you all drop the soft materials into the fort you’d made for your last movie night, then grab your food, settling down onto the couch to eat so you could put your food on the coffee table.

you watch a few episodes of trese, a show that's been idling on your watchlist, after finishing your food and putting your dishes into the sink, you all settle into the fort, unpausing the episode you’d been in the middle of. 

none of you are really watching it, you and changbin are busy trying to count felix’s freckles, and felix is busy trying not to move and end up ruining your count. after he giggles and makes you lose track for the third time in five minutes, you squish his face slightly, kissing his nose. 

when you let go of his face he puffs out his cheeks, and changbin quickly takes the opportunity to kiss them. felix squeaks and rolls over, wrapping his arms around your waist and hiding his face in your stomach. you laugh, playing with his hair. 

you shuffle around a little, leaning back into changbin and tilting your head back to look up at him, getting a kiss on the nose in return. you smile, giving him a quick peck in return.

after a couple minutes you hear felix snoring quietly, playing with his hair always knocks him out. you also yawn, “‘m sleepy.” 

changbin smiles softly, managing to lie down and pull a blanket over the three of you without removing his arm from where he’s wrapped it around your waist. you’ve shifted felix so he’s lying at the same level as you are, and changbin moves his arm to wrap it around both of you. 

“g’night, i love you both.” you mumble, already half asleep. 

felix mumbles something you can’t understand, but you figure it’s some kind of agreement, and give him a small kiss on the nose.

you feel changbin kiss the top of your head, “goodnight, i love both of you too,” is the last thing you hear before finally falling asleep. 

[storiesofsvu]

Okay, so last week my sleep schedule was beyond fucked up and I had a friend staying with me so I didn’t get to watch the new CM until WAY too late and my reactions were barely existent and I almost fell asleep before it ended cause it was almost 6am by then. So I’m rewatching last week rn (while working on other stuff) before watching the new ep. Expect some notes from last week but not a lot I guess lol!

We love a good female unsub.

I STILL do not understand how Emily got full ass arrested over this shit, like yeah brian accused her, but they don’t really have any grounds for arrest, esp her being fbi?? She should have been asked to come down for questioning but that was it. She never should have actually been booked. (though this DOES play into the whole conspiracy thing. Like get her arrested/out of the way/a reason for the upper people to get rid of her or have something to hold over her head. Like, her getting arrested would be part of the whole gold star thing). WITHOUT that though, make it make sense.  GOD to be a lawyer in the CM universe must be THE most annoying thing in the entire world LOL.

This red coat will forever and always be one of my top fave wardrobe items of em’s

Okay but like, the coke “conspiracy theory” seems pretty legit LOL. But em is like.. losing it. She’s tunnel visioned on this gold star case and isn’t sleeping and like, my girl just needs rest and peace for ONCE please.

Jj wanting to talk but not having the courage to bring it up just hurts me man.

“contracted to kill gold star” I thought gold star was an operation? Or a team? Or was that found out later in this episode….LOL

Honestly… Emily breaking the rules/law is not OOC at all. and her asking Garcia to help her (and Garcia complying) isn’t either, it’s happened before in canon. And like.. when em’s getting shoved to the utmost bottom, she’s never above breaking protocol, even if she is in charge. Look at the lauren arc, look at her battle with barnes, her standing up to strauss, she’s always done whatever she thinks is right, it’ll get her answers, even if they can’t be used in court.

Voit looks SO much like someone I work with and that weirds me out LOL.

Mega points for Sydney for standing up for herself. I’m super glad she’s been given some time to shine this season.

Okay either Emily has had some sense knocked into her w saying “this case isn’t gold star until we prove it” or she thinks its an utter waste of time…

You’re SERIOUSLY telling me Penelope Garcia of all people didn’t see “star light star bright” and think of the nursery rhyme? That she wasted how ever many of her guesses and didn’t come up with something along the lines of “wish tonight”?!!!? that shit’s TOO easy…

If last season gave Emily a migraine, dealing with all of this and esp brian should be giving her an aneurysm lol.

The girl playing holly is incredible, I hope she gets the career she deserves. Also.. she deserved to attack voit, like her sister is young enough she’s still living in a weird confused/delusional point where she doesn’t really get what’s going on. holly’s old enough she knows her entire life is completely fucked up by her dad being a killer. That her family’s torn apart, she’s watching her mom barely keep it together, they have to move, again and again, new school, new friends, over and over all in a feeble attempt to try and stay safe from their dad who’s supposed to stay in prison?

Yeah this girl’s absolutely going through it. She loves her dad and misses what they had before everyone found out what he was actually doing.

Not voit getting TWO fucks in one sentence! He is right though about holly being in trouble and needing help now. Maybe he’s self reflecting a little bit, I can’t remember if his past was discussed last season LO, I’m remembering something but I might be fucking up plot lines… EITHER WAY, he sees a bit of himself in holly and doesn’t want her to turn out like him, which could be considered remorse…

JJ asking about Emily and how she’s doing after em asks about Sydney and the girls… just absolutely proves what everyone online was BITCHING hardcore about, with em “not caring about jj” they’re both going through hell, they’re both exhausted, I bet jj didn’t sleep the night before either. JJ wants to know about em and is checking in with her, she knows everyone’s going through it and when asked about her shit, she brushes it off cause she knows both of them are under stress, that she can bring it up later rather than dump everything on em when she’s struggling to hold herself and the team together. Sometimes you have to wait on things like that.. it’s just life.

If tyler and Penelope had met under ANY different circumstance I would be here for it, but I refuse to be the way it was done.

Emily v Voit is giving me so much life. Why didn’t they just send her in first? Lol. Like yeah voit ends up getting what he wants, but also, she’s so fucking cocky about the way it  happens and she can read him like no tomorrow and that’s after no sleep and all that shit? Tell me your powerful without telling me your powerful.

Okay, imma check if the new ep is up yet, if it is, I’ll be back right away, if not, I’ll see ya in a couple of hours…

Alright, I decided to finish writing some headcanons and got distracted and opened twitter to a gif of Emily smoking from the new ep and it was the hottest thing ive ever seen so let’s pray the new ep is up…

HERE WE GOOOOO

Oh we’re starting WAY back with last season flashbacks? Oh GOD this is gonna be a rough episode isn’t it??

Emily needs a hug, a nap and an orgasm.

Jfc this got creepy right off the bat… like voit was slightly okay in the past eps and now he’s just playing into the psycho

Im sorry, the fbi assassinated WHO? I cannot function without my subtitles and there are TOO many names/people in this season over the total season arc that I keep losing track….

Okay so at least it’s not just em’s ID they haven’t updated, rossi’s is old as fuck too..

“its not the first time I’ve crossed ethical and legal boundaries for this case” Rebecca: “and I didn’t hear that…” LOOOOLL

 AND THIS IS WHY  I SAID ID NEVER WANT TO BE A LAWYER IN THIS UNIVERSE

I understand that they said any previous deal would be off the table if voit fucked around with them but are you SERIOUSLY trusting him to provide the message and it not be something to alert them?

Okay but shout out to voit for being the first person to refer to tara as “Dr Lewis” in like.. forever

“you neglected to ask me that” dude’s right… you didn’t ask. That’s on you.

I really like the way they’re profiling this situation from both points and jumping back and fourth,

LOOOOLLL the morse code. Fucking called it.

ANND LUKE GETS A FUCK! YES

“can you do that? without fingerprints?” homegirl is about to get herself fired, isn’t she? (she don’t care either so…)

I know Rebecca being close to voit is like, a legal thing and the jurisdiction and shit but it worries me. Imma be surprised if she makes it through this season.

Jfc Emily is SO hot. I adore they keep putting her in blue!

Voit being the comedic relief was not on my bingo card.

YEESS JJ WITH THE “SO SHUT THE FUCK UP”

Not fuckin voit giving the ship a name.. my dude.. stop.

Lmao, Rebecca, he’s not actually gonna confess a crime babe…

“youre not under arrest, you’re here as a person of interest on a 24 hr hold” WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SHOULDVE HAPPENED TO EMILY

“useful idiot” IM TELLING YOU EM TO BRIAN IS FRANKIE TO THE DEAN

Not him gaslighting her!

I know part of it is tv, but part of it is reality that plain clothed officers look EXACTLY like cops. Like, everyone can tell that you’re looking over your shoulder and being suspicious. Someone watching for cops isn’t gonna be that dumb.

Wow that team really had ONE good shooter? You serious?? Jj could have got that in a second.

The way Penelope knows about bombs?? That definitely came from derek.

UGH NOO BUT YESS the look on rebecca’s face when tara said she was staying with the bomb. There’s still love there and I swear to fuck if there’s some dying confession of love that’s my 13th reason

Not jade literally being in the same fucking park…

Ive been saying it for years but without Garcia… the team wouldn’t solve a single fucking case.

Okay I GET THAT THERE’S A FUCKING BOMB but like.. both tara and luke and ALL the surrounding officers are SO focused o that and are COMPLETELY ignoring voit.. that bitch could and would have been completely gone if it wasn’t for rossi and the sniper with him…

“this piece of shit” YES. Listen, I know we’re all feral for swearing, but as someone with a potty mouth who works in an industry when we’re always swearing, it’s so natural to me, and it makes things seem more real.

OH FUCK NO

HOW WAS THAT DUDE SO FUCKING DUMB?!?!? WHY WASN’T THERE LIKE 50 OFFICERS AROUND TO MAKE SURE SHIT LIKE THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN. MY GODDDD

But now voits back in his cell…

Ugghhh rebeccccaaaaaa

“im not at my best right now” “pfft. LOOK AROUND”

How DARE THEY end the ep like that. like the smoking part and her not giving a FUCK about it being inside and in her office was one thing, but the dire attempt to keep her composure and keep it together until she got out of the building only to utterly break down in dave’s arms?!?! Im sobbing. I honestly don’t think we’ve seen her cry *like that* since she was abducted by scratch…. They really turned to paget and said “hope you’re ready to act this season…”

Fuck.

I.. what an episode.. part of me feels the intense need to write some form of fix it fic… woof.

[angelbaby-therapy]

How to not get caught w/ Ana if you have strict parents♥️

These worked for me I hope they work for you too♥️

- Only eat when you parents are watching/can see you consuming food (don’t eat if your not under suspicion)

- Always try to be busy during meals (Showering, on a walk, need to finish a chapter in your book, ect)

- Ask them to buy you specific food from the grocery store and then slowly throw it away. (so it seems like your eating it)

- At family meals always cut up your food alot and spread it out a ton (so it looks like you ate more)

- Also talk a lot during meals (questions are great!)

- Going out w/ Friends or alone is amazing bc you can skip meals and still say you ate (have a lie prepared if your parents ask what you ate)

- Always try to “postpone” your family meals. Say things like “I’ll eat it later I’m doing _____ rn” then throw it away (REMINDER: always hide your trash underneath other things already inside the trash so ppl don’t find it)

- If your currently fat and your family acknowledges it then say your trying to eat healthier (they should support you and if they don’t gaslight them into feeling bad)

- If you do end up being forced to eat, purg3. I know it’s not fun but do you really want to get fat over one stupid meal?! I don’t think so. ‼️This is dangerous‼️

- If your really sly you can spit your bites of food into a napkin while you pretend to wipe your mouth

- Fake stomachaches or nausea (this works well but don’t do it too often bc it will get suspicious)

- NEVER complain about being hungry, looking fat, wanting to lose weight, being dizzy, your hair thinning/falling out, or any other an4 symptoms around your parents (it alerts them and makes them pay WAY closer attention which you don’t want)

- Fall asleep early and “accidentally” miss mealtime

- Be in the middle of something important durning meals, ( homework, phone call, project, ect.)

- During the school year ALWAYS skip lunch ( why eat if your parents aren’t watching?! It’s j extra kcals)

- say that eating early (breakfast) has been making you nauseous recently if your parents try to make you breakfast (easy way to skip a meal)

I hope that these are helpful for y’all💋🤍

Xoxo,

Stay $kinny😙

[unsleepingtales]

Yayyyyyyy reaction posts are back! Mismag is back!

I have been shifting my sleep schedule slightly so we might have another multi day watch period bc it’s very possible that I fall asleep. Anyway here we go!!

Ngl. Saw the hemophobia Hold On Reaction Cancelled Why Did My Phone Try To Autocorrect That To Hemophilia

Uh

Anyway

Moving on!

What I was gonna say was I saw the hemophobia warning and misread it as homophobia and was confused. That was all.

Oh GOD

Cool dome things!!

Sorry I’m still thinking about the hemophilia thing. Why does my phone think hemophobia isn’t a word but hemophilia is. Have I really had that many conversations about it before. What’s up with that. Dragging myself back to the episode.

Erika looks so stressed

SHIT I don’t even think that was on purpose

Fuck

K cares SO much about Evan. God.

Fuck that’s his Best Friend

They’re trying so hard.

Oh my god we’re less than fifteen minutes in this is so horrible. They’re so good at this.

Oh fuck that’s cool but also so creepy

How did Aabria make mechanics for this so quickly

Possessing!! Oh!!

Oh my god Brennan is so good. This is so fucking creepy.

BRENNAN WHAT

BRENNAN

Oh this is so deeply upsetting.

“Like the understanding of what you should feel rather than feeling” and like you’re viewing from down a hallway and being intangible and the entire haunting motif and I’m NOT supposed to connect that to my derealization????

Oh my GOD

Oh my god Sam. She loves him so much.

God. Lou.

All of them. Just all of them. When focus shifts to K I’m not gonna be able to handle it.

Hey I was RIGHT.

The props!!

Magic leaving a mark on the. I guess ethereal plane?

Oh god.

Oh fuck me.

Oh god Evan doesn’t know that Jammer stopped to cry.

I’m gonna lose my shit gang.

Oh god.

EVAN

Brennan you’re so smart and it’s a LOT

Phrasingggggg

I’m gonna cry before this episode is over.

Hey buddy? That’s fucked up.

This is fucked up!

Family on six. Augh.

Christ.

The art department at dropout is astounding

What is up with this rock.

The best friends of all time. He’s lightly possessing her. She’s the only one who can look at him.

Aabriaaaaaaa

Fuck

Goddamn it I’m falling asleep and I want to be able to finish the ep but I don’t think I will :( I’m one hour in. Regardless of how much I end up catching before I fall asleep I should pick up from an hour to get everything

The frost of it all…

Yup. Fell asleep. I really want to finish tonight because this weekend is Yom Kippur so I won’t be able to watch the rest until Sunday if I can’t. Here we go!

Erika is doing a beautiful job with K being very untethered rn

One scrillion coins :)

Oh that’s COOL

Oh god Teddy

They are so good at this game

No but I also want to know about the sock. Whose sock is that.

Them!!!!

Ooh creepy

She’s so good at breaking tension

She’s so smart god.

Let’s fucking go/it’s gorgug keep going <- these are the same

Hey so uh. This is upsetting.

Let’s get Kelmpy baby!!

EVAN.

Good lord

I hate being cold so much this is my nightmare scenario

Oh god that’s not good information to have

Lou holy shit

Aabria :(

Art!!

What

What???

Jeez

K babyyyyy

Oh fuck that’s cool

THEY’RE SO GOOD AT THIS GAME

Yeah.

They’re also so hot but that’s not the point.

Concepts of a goat.

Oh god he came baaaaack

Brennan.

K just sobbing and saying his name. God.

So pretty!!

Did they leave the hoopty there though

[bluiex]

I have a tiny bit of angst about Scar and Baby April(about 3 months old). Scar has a hard time being a single dad

inspired by the song ‘Moonlight on the river’ by Mac DeMarco and my experience with taking care of my siblings. (thank you to the anon who came up with the idea of making April Scars kid! It gave me this idea!)

—————

It’s 3:46 Am, and Scar hasn’t had any sleep. He's been rocking and holding April all night, but she just wouldn’t stop crying. Scar knew the beginning months would be hard, but he didn’t think it would be this bad.

He sighs, his arms felt weak and his eyes, droopy with sleep. He didn't know what to do or why she was crying. He made sure she was clean, checked if she was hungry, and put her in a comfortable position. But nothing worked.

He watches April cry in his arms, cheeks red and puffy and her face scrunched up. He starts to whisper quiet reassurances, slowly rocking her back and forth in his arms again in hopes this time it would work. But she just wouldn't stop crying. It hurt to hear April like this, he never thought hearing a baby cry could affect him so much.

God, Scar felt like a little kid again, not knowing what to do or say. He should know what to do, but he didn’t. He could only hold her in his arms, and desperately try to get her to sleep.

“Oh, come on darling. Won't you stop for me, please? ” Scar pleads with his daughter, his voice shaking slightly. But it only seems to make it worse. Scar takes in another breath. His body starts to shake, his vision becomes blurry with tears. He slowly caresses April’s cheek, wiping the tears off her face.

He felt so hopeless, after losing April's mother and becoming a single father. It was all too much, he just couldn’t hold out any longer.

“Oh- It’s ok to cry my love, j-just let it out. I'm right here. Daddy’s got you.” He brings April closer to him. Scar lets her head rest against his chest, he slowly starts crying with her. Tears fall onto April, and her little hand holds his finger tight. Scar’s chest slowly shakes April's head as they both cry.

Soon the both of them got tired of crying and April's breathing starts to slow down. Scar carefully places April on the bed, before laying with her. He sniffles a bit, tears still falling from his face. He puts a hand on her stomach as he watches April sleep.

He smiles tiredly and leans in to kiss her forehead. “Sweet dreams princess.” Scar hums before falling asleep.

End scene: April's hand still holding his finger and Scar holding her close to his chest, both of their head bumping against each other. Pillows and blankets surrounding them as they sleep.

-AAA anon, This was rushes especially at the end, I’m really bad at wording my ideas when I get excited so I hope this understandable!

@spacecatdet I'M SOBBING

Actually. Crying rn. I just finished watching the new TLOU episode so I'm overly emotional right now-- oh poor Scar and baby April qoq I love them so dearly

This is really making me wanna write another fic of with April being Scar's daughter this time.. WAAAH

[rianafying]

i’m starving and i’m hungover and i’m in trouble. my sd card got corrupted and i might lose all the work i’ve done in january, which is a LOT of work. i just need to talk to my friends. the timing is bad because they’re either at work or asleep rn. i’m about to throw up.

it’s fine i reached them, after they woke up. spoke to friends, i feel better emotionally. but worse physically because it’s been so long since i’ve had some food. any food. there’s so much shit i need to buy but no money to buy them. i’m scared that one of these days i’ll have to resort to ebegging. i don’t want to do that. because im not even doing that bad but i feel terrible. and im prone to heavily catastrophizing every situation im faced with. somehow i have linked this sd card failure to the downfall of my career that i have worked so hard to build. if you dont have catastrophizing anxiety, you dont know what it feels like to imagine every single worst possible outcome and believe it to be true. but somehow throughout my life, it has been. what i feared kept coming true. but fearing it and being paralysed by it, didn’t help my case. apparently it’s in my brain chemistry to do this and also to have chronic pain. apparently there’s something wrong in my hypothalamus, pituitary gland, amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. they’re are all fucked up and feel wayyy more pain than is ever necessitated. i feel like im spiralling out of control at a faster rate than i can reel it back in. for most of my life ive been getting wounded more than i could heal. and now im limping my way through life, and hating almost every second of it despite trying so hard not to.

i had a full breakdown today, worse than other breakdowns. i feel super defeated. people are being nice to me. somehow that is making me feel even worse. things keep going wrong. there is no escaping tragedy.

day 3 of this same journal entry. i’m officially out of money. even my coins. i have a little bit of usd in my absolute emergency fund, but i really don’t want to have to touch that. i have a week to go before i get paid a bit of money. which will still not be enough because i had to use afterpay to buy some necessary stuff at kmart, and now i have to pay it back. things rlly are tough out here. thinking i should not fix my laptop and instead spend that money like normal. like use it to get by nicely for a while. then what? at what point will i be able to get a real regular job? i found out for sure this month that i can’t make it to work on 25% of days due to my illness. so what work could i do. rlly upset about losing the images on my sd card. i haven’t permanently lost them yet, but, it’s far too expensive to recover. i was considering recovering the data when im in bangladesh but i dont think id trust the data recovery service in dhaka anyway. they’ll probably fail at the task and also ruin my card. things are so wrong rn. my microwave, my pan, my passport, my myki, my financial situation, the burnt skin on my face, my psoriasis and arthritis, my hair situation, my multiple severe nutritional deficiencies and chronic pain, my various mental illnesses, my awful dirty room, my inability to work on any, let alone every, one of these problems. i just get paralysed and bed rot for days. this is officially too much for me. it’s too many things to deal with. i’m not built for even half of this. how can i give up without like kms, like what’s another way to give up? because bed rotting isn’t cutting it. i could really use some help. when i asked for help, my uncle said to visit my friend in sydney, or to visit bangladesh, neither of which is going to actually help my situation, because ill be miserable regardless of where i am, until my problems have been resolved. and both of these things are expensive as fuck, like, what’s a girl supposed to do. i don’t wanna go on a $200 trip to sydney when my sd card requires a $400 data recovery. that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is my situation.

no amount of talking to people, or going on trips is going to solve my problems. which is painful for me to say because i’ve been dying to do something fun for once. not that i don’t have fun in melbourne i do, but that’s cause i try to enjoy work, and romanticise the life i already have. and because im not yet a local local, i can still experience melbourne like a tourist. with fresh eyes. anyway, yeah, im deleting bumble because its stupid, let’s be real im never gonna go on a date w a strangers plus i dont even respond to people because im obviously not ready to actually give this a chance. not yet at least. costar says i let my need for stability stunt relationship growth. but i’m okay with that, or at least i would be if i had any stability. right now i feel like i have the short end of every stick. no it feels like i have no stick at all. the universe or god or whatever is out there is giving me a huge middle finger and laughing at my suffering.

they say that i’m overthinking or that even if there is a problem there’s a solution. what’s the solution to not having enough money to solve my problems? by the time i might have money, these problems will have caused critical damage. what’s the solution to the weight i carry around from never feeling safe or loved my whole entire life. what’s the solution to the mother shaped void in my heart. what’s the solution to the fear of losing my sibling and friends. i cope, and i deal, but it never really goes away. even now as i’ve hit my weekly rock bottom, i’m trying to list things to be grateful for, to see the glass as half full. but i can’t lie, the glass is not half full. i’ve been running on a nearly empty tank for as long as i can remember. even if i somehow manage to get my tank full, there’s like holes in it that can never be permanently patched. i destroy everything i touch, i let down everyone i know, and i keep getting chances. i don’t need another chance. i need a break. i don’t want to prove myself, unless it is to prove that i fail.

i’m told that the broader focus of my life during this time is to clear away built-up structures that have been holding me back. excess is not always abundance. i’m supposed to decide what's worth keeping and what to pass up. apparently my sense of well-being relies on my willingness to seize new opportunities, which is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. “use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.” this could not be more on the nose. fine i’ll pack some stuff up and head drop it in a donation bin. it will clear up some space in my room too. this might be good. give me some literal and also mental space to work with. also on the nose is “make sure you're not doing that thing where you over-intellectualize your experience, and then convince yourself that you know all the laws of the universe.” okay i get it. thank you for spelling it out for me. maybe now i will finally listen. i’m certainly being spied on. most of life is out of my control but i choose joy.

i couldn’t attend the invasion day protest today because i was on the phone talking a loved one out of killing herself. i shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s not like i had a choice in that scenario. i’m told that in most scenarios, there is no such thing as “fault”. if my goal was to shift blame, i could use all the words in the world to make myself innocent, but that’s not what i want, that’s not what i’m familiar with.

i think that maybe i would like to have a fresh start. i dont know what a fresh start would even look like. to go back in time a couple of years? how many years? at what point was it fresh? go back to when i was born? be born to different people? be a different person? a fresh start to me would be one in which so much is different from how my life is right now, that i don’t know how it would even be mine. this is who i am, all the terrible things that make up, well, me. and a fresh start wouldn’t be me, or it wouldn’t be fresh. i’m stale and im crusty, to the core of my being.

maybe i just need to go on a walk.

[biscuitbakerbecca]

🏅 🌙 🤔 ask game!!

🏅-What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing?

Tbh I think finding someone who is just as feral over the idea of the whole Weakness/Fragility AU is probably the most proud I’ve felt in a while. It’s not often you have someone who is equally insane about an idea, especially in smaller fandoms. I think about how if you (hi MJ) hadn’t been as interested in the idea I wouldn’t have made an AU of an AU, I wouldn’t have wrote sequel fics, and my original fic would have only been half as long. (We have eight different fics for this one AU that’s insane!)

But if I’m supposed to say something more recent than that—since we started the whole Weakness obsession back in May—I think consistently writing longer one shots or two shots is something for me to be proud of. I still love shorter fics, but me having the passion to write 15-30k+ words for one single chapter or two is huge. Even hitting 5k words is something I never used to be able to do, so even my more recent shorter one shots are impressive to me!

🌙-What time of day do you prefer to write? Why?

My best ideas come from sleep deprived thoughts. There is something about my brain running on three days without proper rest at two am that sends me to another reality in which I write like a god. There’s something so…enigmatic (idk if that’s the word to fit the vibe but we carry on) about writing in the middle of the night. It’s my favorite time to write, but alas I’ve got that pesky full time job to keep me from pursuing my dreams. Currently I just try to fit in time to write whenever I can, because my job is tiring and I need my sleep at night. I should be asleep right now but I’m answering this instead, whoops!

🤔-What is the hardest part of writing fic?

Keeping invested in an idea! I’ve had fics go years without a conclusion because I just ended up burned out when it came to the idea! I have fics that need endings rn but I just can’t find the energy to finish them. (Anyone who read Perfect Match and is sad about the hiatus i see you!) I think that’s part of why I’ve started writing longer fics with less chapters, (Fragility not included if I get burned out someone will be getting me hyped again) because it’s easier to get all of the idea on the page. I personally don’t really plan my fics, (again not including Fragility) I just let the plot develop as I go, so when I lose interest in a story where the plot was at a low point…I struggle to keep writing for it.

[no-nameno-face]

heyy!!i need some tips on how to get over a crush😭ive had one on my best friend for a while and i neeeed to get over it asap before i ruin the friendship😭😭

how are you doing today?-💿

Oooooo babes I’m the wronggg one to ask hahahahaha 💀🥹

I mean first of alllll I think communicating how your feeling to your friend isn’t a bad idea if your comfortable with it. Maybe they feel the same?? Have you tested the waters at all?? And even if they don’t, assuming they are a good friend they should understand where you’re coming from and it may actually bring you guys closer as friends? But I also respect if you don’t wanna talk about it and just wanna move past it 🥹 I think, if you wanna maintain the friendship, it might honestly just be a time thing. I imagine that it gets easier with time, kinda a fake it till ya make it situation… I really wish I could help more but I’m the type of bitch that falls really hard really fast for people and I never really lose feelings they just kinda evolve ig 🤘🏻😪

It’s rough out here 😮‍💨

I’m sorry you’re going through that love. Im here for you‼️ idk if my little ramble will help at all I’m kinda hopeless when it comes to this rip

I’m okayyyy 🥹 thanks for asking 😭 it’s 1am here, I fell asleep for a bit but I just woke up randomly (yayyyy insomnia🥳) I’m gonna try to fall back asleep cause I’m soooo tired. My brain is just running WILD rn lmfao.

How are youuuu? 🫶🏻

[larcenywrites]

How would young!Tony and regular Tony react if you're in the mood for sex but he really isn't (maybe he's too exhausted and has no energy for it)? How does he turn you down while still reassuring you because he's scared you'll feel insecure and like he doesn't desire you anymore 😔?

Awww no 🥺🥺🥺

Especially early on, he’s never said no before 😬😬😬😬😬😬 will it look like he’s losing interest????? He’s always there when you need him (in many ways), maybe he should just suck it up and surely he’ll manage???? Not to mention that sex might be a pretty, uh, big part of the relationship…

Young!Tony has major highs and major lows probably like, throughout every day, but he’s usually not so tired that he can barely even muster the strength to make out with you 😫😫😫😫 maybe he’s already been running on little to no sleep, and had classes today, and struggled to do something in his dads lab and got frustrated, maybe also got yelled at by his dad… some days are just exhausting! But maybe you don’t know about all of that, and to you it’s like wow! He’s finally in bed!! At a decent time!! Before you’re asleep/too tired 😏 or he might even be in bed before you get there! So, naturally, you slide across the bed, pretty normally tbh as you usually snuggle up to him for a while, and he’s immediately about to fall asleep because now he’s all warm and comfy 😌😌😌 but then the pecks in his hair are suddenly on his neck… and while mentally it’s pretty nice… he doesn’t even wanna open his eyes rn :( mentally he has a boner, but not necessarily physically, ya know 😖 and his silence didn’t help because now you’re probably sucking at his skin and scratching over his chest. And when you get on top of him, you can probably tell somethings up. He’s not really reacting, he’s hardly looking up at you… and when you change tune and ask him if everything’s alright, he panics a little because what does he say??? Is it a lame excuse??? You’ve said you were too tired before and it was fine… “I uh,” he starts, obviously very nervous. And now you’re nervous! He stutters, and then he just ends up spilling everything that’s happened today, from not sleeping in the last 38 hours, to fighting with his dad, as if he needs to explain every detail of why he should be tired and needs an excuse to say no ☹️ and maybe he’s ranting so much because he’s tired and a little weepy 🥺 just patiently let him rant, and lovingly pet his hair and cheeks while you do 🥺🥺 whether it’s because he’s done or now he’s sleepy again, he’ll eventually trail off and stop and just blink up at you, and in response to your silence he just goes “I’m sorry, are you mad at me?” even though you’re literally pampering him as he was ranting 😭😭😭😭 “No, you goof,” you say quietly, giving him a quick kiss on his head before falling back in beside him. “You’re allowed to be tired, Tony, I promise.” He can probably only muster a meek “okay” when you plant another kiss on his cheek, right before probably passing out after that sudden surge of adrenaline and whatever energy he had left 🤧

The same might happen to older Tony, but he’s much more willing to be like “I’m really tired tonight, sweetheart”, but he’ll probably try to cuddle up to you and all still. What might happen kinda often, especially in the following weeks after events like Afghanistan or New York, he probably just has no sex drive :( which happens to everyone who’s been stressed the fuck out and isn’t getting proper sleep and stuff and may or may not also be a little bit depressed and anxious :( its already embarrassing and one of the the worst feelings ever, and Tony already hates letting you know that anything is wrong. As per usual, he’s too busy anyway, so that buys him some time and gives him an excuse to avoid the topic. But he can’t stay away from the bed forever, or from you! So when he inevitably wants to be back up there, and is also just tired, and maybe also has plenty of text messages from you, he does end up in bed at a reasonable time. So he can talk to you for a bit, before he gone again. And you can probably tell somethings kinda off, but that’s not an odd occurrence considering recent events and your own experience with his mental health… but you probably don’t really know the full extent. He still hides it pretty well, but when his already small smile from your nose kisses fades as soon as your hand starts drifting down his chest, and his jaw tenses, obviously whatever is wrong is a little worse than you figured. When you ask, he just glances down and fidgets a little, maybe to get you to take your hand away ☹️☹️ tuck at his hair and let him brood for a minute. He won’t say what’s wrong, but you can probably guess. He’s obviously not mad at you, he was just talking and smiling! All he’ll ever say is an “I’m sorry” and and might take your hand from his hair so he can hold it or anxiously play with it 🥺 all you need to say is that it’s okay, and let him know that it actually is by cuddling him into your chest and continue on with whatever you were talking about. He doesn’t really wanna think about it, or want you dwelling on it, so it’s best to move on. Usually these occurrences don’t last long, but if it continues and he starts getting real reclusive, there may need to be some other intervention :(

[gearselectric]

Symptom tangent (kinda vent)

Anybody else get dizzy doing laundry sometimes but only sometimes like. After it not happening for lunch I got dizzy doing laundry today again and my cheeks turned red what the eff. But I’m childhood I struggled with laundry because it’s make me feel really dizzy. Also showering and baths made me sleepy I couldn’t stand the entire time because I’d get too sleepy. I remember when I was rlly young I’d use one of those inflatable pillow things in the bath cuz my mom was scared I’d drown or something (I kept laying down in the bath cuz it made me sleepy) also cleaning my room was very hard because moving around to clean stuff made me feel dizzy and tired and I’d end up falling asleep instead of cleaning . I’m not sure what caused these but I hadn’t experienced them for a while but today I felt dizzy doing laundry again and my cheeks turned red idk why

I also get rlly agitated if I have to stand in one place I think I might have blood circulation issues or something but if I bring that up to my dad I know I’ll be given shit for it 😭 I like either have to stand on one leg or with my legs crossed don’t make me stand still normally I will hate it .

I have so many random symptoms but most of them are temporary/harmless which makes it so confusing. Sometimes I lose the ability to control my hand for a moment but I think that’s just from me accidentally cutting something off (like. Blocking nerve or something i don’t rlly know) I assume it’s common but I never hear anybody else talk about it 😭

Loud noises sometimes make me feel a sting in my legs and lose balance but I think that’s common probably.

I used to lose vision every time I stood up from bed in the morning but that hasn’t happened in a while. I remember in highschool my thighs (and sometimes. more 🤐) would go numb but once my entire leg went numb and I ended up falling on the ground when I tried standing cuz I couldn’t feel it 😭 but I think it’s just because of the bench I sat on kept cutting stuff off or something.

I think most of this is just normal stuff though but it’s really hard to tell because like. Are these symptoms or just mundane everyday things nobody talks about? I may never know.

It feels like every few months my symptoms change again into something totally different and idk why. It’s confusing!!!! Idk how I’m supposed to fix anything if my problems just get replaced every few months with something else. Idk where I can talk about my experiences because stuff keeps changing and nothing seems right 😔 +life hardcore mode on top of that like cmon… you’re gonna traumatize me AND have my body working against me? No fair!

Then gi issues are like the one constant but I also am not a healthy lifestyle haver and don’t have a doctor so like. Whatever ig. But even those will change every few weeks. What the eff.

Like. While it’s GOOD the symptoms go away they almost always get replaced with something else. Which is so confusing. How is that even possible????????? Like . I don’t think I’m gonna be diagnosed with a million things (probably not anything in general. Because . #medicalneglect.) but augh. Sometimes I just want it to kill me. Whatever it is. If it’s anything! Sometimes I feel like it’s gotta at least somewhat be just in my head cuz idk what’s going on.

Then there’s back problems bht I’m not too worried about those. And teeth problems (RISE AND GRIND)(my mouth.. it’s kind of effed up rn) but they don’t rlly hurt so it should be fine.

I’m thankful I’m not worse though. I am actually probably really well off if I haven’t been hospitalized yet I think. Like. There have been many times I thought I might end up there but somehow I’ve made it through all the blurry vision, letters popping off of pages, floor moving, getting super confused for no reason out of nowhere, etc. however. Part of me does think it’s all a bit strange I dunno. I can’t help feeling something is wrong. But maybe I just overthink.

[hunterofartemis7]

Apollo was officially at his wits end with his sister. It had been almost two weeks since the event of “God games” where Zeus about killed Athena. Apollo had done his best to tend to her wounds but she wasn’t making it easy. If she wasn’t fighting him about staying in bed and pulling her stitches, then she was screaming from nightmares/pain and still pulling her stitches. Not to mention that her burns couldn’t heal properly because this woman refused to rest. He got so tired of fighting with her that he drugged with her milk of the poppy so she would be to delirious to fight to with him. This worked….for about a day before in her delirium, Athena kept mumbling about Odysseus, saying she needs to see and protect him. And Apollo thought a sane Athena was hard to deal with, a drugged one was worse.

“I can’t do this anymore!” Apollo yelled in frustration. He loved his sister so much but he was on the verge of insanity. He decided the only way she was gonna chill was if she SAW Odysseus was okay, and the only way to do so without her getting out of bed was to bring Odysseus to her. He teleported down to Odysseus raft and almost scared the poor guy shitless. “Odysseus of Ithica!” Apollo yelled appearing in a ball of glory.

“Aahhh!” Odysseus screamed, throwing a dagger at Apollo, which the god thankfully caught. “Oh….hello lord Apollo.”

“Hi! Sorry didn’t mean to scare ya but I’m kinda pressed for time and on the verge of losing my mind.”

Odysseus looked at the sun god confused. “Pardon?”

“Athena got hurt trying to save you and now is about to give herself an aneurysm trying to get to you.” Apollo says quickly. Yeah, that didn’t help clear up Odysseus confusion but Apollo didn’t care. He grabs the king of Ithica and teleports back to Olympus to Athena.

“Athena..?” Odysseus mumbled, shocked to see his former mentor bleeding and bandaged, mumbling nonsense about him. “What happened to her?”

“Zeus struck her with lightning multiple times when she asked him to release you from Calypsos island. She’s kinda high rn because she would not stop fighting me to get to you, so do with that information as you will.” Apollo told Odysseus before pushing him to Athena and leaving them alone. Odysseus stumbled and fell in front of Athena’s bed. He stood and waked over to the side of the bed, sitting beside her and taking hold of her hand. “Athena…” he cooed. “Athena wake up…”

Athena looked around slightly and locked eyes with Odysseus. “Ody…?” She questioned. “A..are you really here..or am I still high?”

Odysseus chuckled and brushed the hair out of her face. “Im here my friend. I’m real. No whether or not your high is up for debate.” He teased.

Athena started at him for a minute before squeezing his hand and starts crying. “Odysseus….im sorry!” She cried. “I’m so sorry. I never should have left you 😭.”

Odysseus squeezed her hand and wiped the tears off her face. “Shhh, it’s okay Athena…i forgive you. And I’m sorry too, for not listening to you.”

Athena sniffed, “we both fucked up didn’t we..”

“Yeah,” Odysseus replied. “Yeah we both fucked up. But it’s over now. You don’t need to worry anymore.”

“I always need to worry, you know that.” She told him.

“True, but you no longer need to worry if I’m okay. I’m on my way home my friend, thanks to your sacrifice.” Odysseus smiled at her. “Now you need to get some sleep so you can heal.”

“What about you..?” She asks, trying to keep herself awake.

“I’ll be fine. Just sleep my friend.” Odysseus reassured her, stroking her hair. “When you awake again, I’ll be home.” She smiled at him and mumbled, “be safe my friend….” And with that, athena falls asleep having the peace of mind Odysseus was fine and getting to go home.

Some of my comments have inspired this prompt for an Athena& Odysseus fic bc I am in the middle of a project I cannot write this right now please someone help

So, Apollo is tending to his sister after God Games, but it's not going all that well bc she has like constant nightmares of Odysseus and keeps saying she needs to see him (alternatively I am also on-board with weak half delirious whispers of his name. Yk. Or both)

So finally Apollo is like fuck this I can't work this way and picks off Ody from his raft and is like would you please just come with me for a sec and talk to my sister bc she's losing her mind over here

So ody gets to see Olympus and talk to his mentor (friend) and she's hurt and they make up and things

Please I beg can someone release me of the pain I'm feeling at not having time for this scenario cos my readers will kill me if I don't get them some comfort in my newest fic asap (they're justified)

[theshadowrealmitself]

Trying to be asleep rn because I have to be up hella early in the morning, but not only is my brain not shutting off, when I was at my sleepiest it decided to hit me with a wave of sadness

So I’m gonna type out non-sad thoughts here and see if that helps:

Personally, I don’t agree with the whole “work spouse” thing when one or everyone involved has an actual spouse, like if it’s just a “oh we’re just really good friends, it’s not cheating in the slightest” then why are you using specifically romantic terminology? Why not just use the term “work bestie”? It feels emotionally unfaithful and I think Vulcans would agree with me, tbh

I’m still upset that I have to produce my own niche content 😭 please, sometimes I don’t mind but it really sucks when I’m like “I want fun alien courtship rituals” and my brain is just like “ask again later”

I have a fucking time loop story that can easily work as a small manageable writing project (as I’d only need to do a few loops), but I keep not sitting down and writing it 😭

Still working on my dino plushie, my sis just visited for a week and I had to do mandatory school stuff so it’s been a bit on the back burner but I should hopefully have time tomorrow (I have to keep an ear out for a delivery so please hope for me that the delivery comes in the morning so I can spend the rest of the day knitting and listening to horror stories pls 🙏)

I wonder if I’ll be able to do any knitting when I’m taking the buses for school? On one hand there’d be time, but on the other hand, the bus is shaky so I might end up dropping stitches, and I’d be terrified of missing my stop the entire time, hmm if I do knit it’ll probably be the really simple projects

I really wanna get into the Godzilla fandom because I remember being really terrified of one of the movies when I saw it as a kid and who doesn’t love large lizards? but tbh I have no idea how to get into it 😭 gives me comic book vibes trying to find a place to start

Actually speaking of, does anyone know if there was a Godzilla movie where she was rampaging and there was like,, scientists holding her eggs hostage but they were starting to crack because the babies were emerging? That’s probably not what the actual plot was but that’s what little me thought was happening, it was definitely a Godzilla movie tho

I wish I was faster at knitting

Oh!! Btw!! Technically the university I go to now (not revealing the name for privacy reasons) gives us actual healthcare, and I think I’m finally able to set up appointments (trauma’s been preventing me, don’t ask pls), which means I can finally get my hands checked on to see if there’s anything they can do to help, and then maybe see what’s up with the heart stuff!!! (and maybe lungs, I feel like I’ve been losing breath over every little thing lately, kinda concerning)

Hair has been fading fast, thinking about doing purple this time

Normally I feel like I think up a good amount of platonic plus romantic scenarios, but lately I feel like it’s been way more romantic stuff, I wonder why? Tbh I actually feel the most consistently okay with being single than I have ever, like the thought of 0 relationships so I can focus on university and hopefully getting a job (god the job market sucks rn) doesn’t phase me in the slightest

I miss those candies that were like,, wax coke cans and you’d bite off the top and then get to drink the small amount of liquid in it? (and then I’d chew the wax bottle, not sure if that was common)