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winter-soldier-vibes · 4 years ago

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You Aren’t Somebody? (Bucky x Reader)

Bucky x reader

Word count: 2647

Summary: Bucky knows that the reader has struggled with an eating disorder before, but thought they were doing better. Little does he know, they had just gotten better at hiding it. Until one night, he catches her doing something she had promised she had stopped

Warnings: eating disorder, purging, angst, fluff

Tags @abitgryffindorky @buckys2thicc @thatfangirl42 @buckfics @barnesplums @mardema @stucky-on-spiderman @thundering-barnes

Main Masterlist

A/N: It’s finals week and I am running on energy drinks, reading fanfiction, and longgggg hot showers. But the semester is almost over, and then I have no obligations aside from my hobbies. I see the requests and I’m working on them I promise! I have a list of all the requests that I get, and I am working through them I PROMISE!!! Thank you all for all of your support.

A/N 2: This deals with heavy and dark themes of mental illness. The specific warnings are above. If you feel that in any way reading this will be harmful to your mental health and your journey, PLEASE skip it. I write from my own experience and I know what I would’ve wanted to hear in these situations, and writing/reading fics helps me feel comforted. This fic is based on one experience more specifically than most of my fics, so I apologize if it’s not exactly the same as your experience. This is what I would’ve wanted to hear. If you need or want someone to talk to, vent to, or get advice from, feel free to message me, really. I’m here! <3

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Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his.

He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.

“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky.”

He looked you up and down. Your hair was in a messy bun, a few loose strands sticking to your tear stained cheeks. Your eyes were puffy, and your face was red, voice raspy. He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”

“You promised.”

You closed your eyes. He wasn’t wrong, you had promised. But that was because you never thought you’d see the day when you were purging again. You thought you had gotten over it. You really thought that this time you wouldn’t slip up.

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You had been struggling with an eating disorder for a while. The cause, you weren’t quite sure. An innocent diet soon turned into a competition for yourself, but the end goal was never there. At first you had thought it was just about the weight and how you looked, but then you found that some of your behavior patterns were tied to your emotional ones.

Stress was the major trigger, you had come to learn.

Whether it was a mission gone wrong, you getting injured, someone else getting injured, or even just basic social interactions you thought could’ve gone better, you found yourself inclined to comfort yourself with food.

Until you panicked, which would lead you to the bathroom with music blaring and water running to cover up the noises of your retching.

You hated it, and every time you told yourself it was the last time. But the more you did it, the more you felt the urge to do it. At first it was triggered by large stressors, but now smaller things could trigger you to want to throw up. You tried to keep it hidden, unaware of the true reasons for why you did it. You were able to help yourself sometimes, it wasn’t worth bringing anyone else into.

You couldn’t explain it to yourself, so how were you supposed to explain it to anybody?

The best way that you had figured out how to describe it was that whenever you felt a negative emotion, you could soothe it in a physical way with food, especially with all the warm comfort foods that are known. But at the same time, that feeling lasted as long as you could taste, and you would feel guilty as you felt full. When you threw up, it felt like you were also throwing up the negative emotions.

But when you said it out loud, it didn’t make sense. When people are sick and throwing up it’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Inducing it hurts sometimes, but it’s almost not as bad. Like you know it’s coming, and you’re in control of what’s happening and you could stop at any point. And there had been times where you could soothe yourself in other ways, and you knew your own physical limits. You knew when you had to stop for your own health.

Until you couldn’t stop.

Which is what led to you fainting on a mission after purging too much. Your electrolytes had bottomed out and you almost had a heart attack at an age no one should. Bucky, your boyfriend who was on the mission with you, had put it together when the first words out of your mouth upon gaining consciousness were “Is this a glucose drip?” while tugging at the IV.

He hadn’t been mad, not exactly. He wasn’t mad at you but he was furious with himself for not noticing, and for making you feel as though you couldn’t tell him. You assured him that you did trust him, but he wished you had come to him before you could’ve gotten yourself, and those on the mission, seriously hurt or killed.

Nonetheless, you still didn’t know how to talk about it.

“Can you try to tell me about it?” he asked gently, running a hand through your hair. He held you to his chest, you unable to meet his eyes.

“It won’t make any sense,” you had said, tears glazing your eyes.

“I want to understand. Can you help me understand?”

You paused for a moment. “It’s a long story and I don’t know where to start. There’s so much going wrong.” you had said, tears beginning to streak down your face.

“I have all the time for you. And it doesn’t have to make sense, these things rarely do. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to listen.”

And true to his word, he had. He had listened and held you while you tried to talk about what you could. He didn’t understand everything, he naturally had a ton of questions, but they weren’t for that moment. He had promised to help you the best that he could, and you had promised to try and tell him whenever you felt the urges get too strong. And if you couldn’t, to tell him after.

It was easier to talk to Bucky than anyone else. Not because he was your boyfriend, but because he seemed to understand you more than anyone else could. He had his own share of mental health struggles. Neither of you knew exactly what the other was going through, but you both understood that it was easy to feel alone and guilty even though you couldn’t control it.

It was rough, but he was never mad. He was sometimes firm, and sometimes you had gotten angry with him. Only to later apologize to him with tears in your eyes. He was never mad with you. He understood that this was something internal. Upon research he had done and conversations he had had with Bruce, he understood that this had nothing to do with him. Some people thought eating disorders were about getting attention when it was one of the furthest things from the truth.

All he could do was love you and be there for you.

And to your surprise, talking about it did help.it took a long time, months, of long and hard conversations, panic attacks, slip ups, and really dark days. But it got to the point where Bucky felt that you were doing better, making an effort to tell you how proud he was and how much he loved you.

And you were doing better, in a way. But you had been slipping up more recently, and you hadn’t told Bucky. You didn’t know how. After going the longest you’d ever had between slip ups, you found yourself retching over the toilet. You would have gone to Bucky but he had been away on a mission that was extended a few days. You couldn’t interrupt him because your feelings were too much to handle. People needed his help more than you did.

You were going to tell him, but he had been so tired when he had come back. He needed his time to relax, and it wasn’t the right time to tell him. And the next day when he was rested, you felt that it was irrelevant. Any negative feeling you had felt the day before had since past, and you didn’t see the point in bringing it up today. It would worry Bucky, he wouldn’t want to go on missions, and you weren’t going to do that to him. Besides, it was just one time.

Right?

You soon found yourself purging when Bucky wasn’t around. If he had gone out with Steve, if he was on a mission, or if he was down in the gym you found yourself taking more opportunities to give into your urges. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been, but you were spiraling. But at this point you had been slipping up so many times, you had been so secretive about it.

It would kill Bucky inside to know that you were hiding this from him again. He would feel like you didn’t trust him. You trusted him with your life.

You just didn’t want to let him down. Not again, not when he had explicitly told you to come to him and you had been blatantly ignoring that.

You wanted to tell him, you did. But you couldn’t let him being so proud of you be based on a lie.

One day you were hunched over the toilet, legs sahking and tears streaming down your face from exertion. Bucky was away on a mission, so you didn’t even bother with the music or the water. What you hadn’t anticipated was him coming back hours earlier than he should’ve

The mission had gone much more smoothly than anticipated, which everyone was happy about. Bucky was glad he would get a few more hours with you. He had gone up to your shared room and let himself in, surprised to see you weren’t there. But then he heard you coughing from behind a closed bathroom door.

He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. You had been doing so well, what had happened?

He walked over to the door, knocking on it and calling out your name. He heard you muffle a small fuck before he knocked again.

“Y/n please, let me in.”

He heard the toilet flush and the sink turn on, you on the other side washing your face. You could feel the tears from exertion be replaced by ones of shame and embarrassment, biting your lip slightly. What the fuck were you going to tell him?

When you finally turned off the water, you rubbed your face with a towel, sighing heavily into it. When you took it away, you looked long and hard at the doorknob.

Bucky sighed on the other side of the door. “Y/n please. I’m not mad. We’ve been here before, I just wanna talk to you.”

You closed your eyes for a moment, taking a breath before you made your expression nuetral and opened the door.

Bucky’s eyes immediately saddened when he took you in. your face was still red and there were tears in your eyes. You had tried to put up a front, he could tell that too. Sometimes you got angry with him because you didn’t want to be vulnerable. He was prepared because like he said - he’d helped you before.

Before he could say anything you crossed your arms. “You’re home early,” you said coldly.

“Y/n.”

“How’d the mission go? Well, I assume.” you tried to slip past Bucky but he was blocking the door.

Bucky took a deep breath. “Yeah, yeah, the mission went well.” He wanted to be gentle with you. “But how are you?”

You shrugged, trying to appear oblivious. “I’m fine,” voice wavering slightly as you looked away.

“Y/n please. You’re not fine. Can you tell me what happened?”

“The same thing that always happens” you said bitterly. “Something stupid comes up, I start feeling like shit about myself and I ignore it until I’m puking it up with everything else, alright? It’s the same story, different time, and now I have you looking at me all hurt just like I was worried about which is why I couldn’t tell you!” you exclaimed, eyes filled with anger and tears. Bucky looked at you as if you had just punched him in the face. He would’ve much preferred that you had.

“Y/n.”

You shook your head, trying to get through the door that he was blocking. “Bucky, just let me through the door, forget it.”

“Y/n just talk to me please, I -”

“JUST LET ME THROUGH THE GODDAMN DOOR.” You yelled, surprising Bucky. It had been a while since you had gotten this angry or defensive. But he stood his ground. Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his.

He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.

“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky,” you said, feeling tears threatening to spill over.

He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”

You closed your eyes and felt a pang in your stomach. “Bucky, I - “

“You promised,” he said, voice cracking.

You shook your head. “Why do I have to talk about this. It’s not like I’m hurting anybody”

“You’re hurting yourself, y/n.” he said calmly.

You shook your head and narrowed your eyes slightly, tears falling. “That’s different Bucky, you know it is.”

“You aren’t somebody?”

You looked at him for a moment before a sob escaped your body, leaning on the counter for support as you brought a hand to your mouth. Bucky quickly came up behind you and pulled you into him, wrapping his arms around you. You started crying harder, embarrassed and ashamed.

“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t know how to tell you, I -”

“Hey it’s okay, it’s alright y/n, I’m here.” Bucky kept whispering reassurances in your ears, rubbing a hand up and down your back.

After some time passed, you didn’t know how long, you were able to calm down enough to take some shaky breaths, hiding your red face in Bucky’s chest.

“When did this start happening again?” he asked softly

“I don’t know… few weeks at least, not really sure.”

He took a breath, trying to stay calm. A few weeks and he hadn’t suspected anything, and you were alone. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were on a mission, I couldn’t interrupt that.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when I got back?” he pressed gently.

“You were so tired Bucky - ”

“Y/n.” he said more firmly.

You paused for a moment, knowing he wouldn’t take those answers. If they were truly the reason then you would’ve told him the next day or the day after, as soon as the opportunity came. There was more to why you waited, and Bucky knew that.

“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” you whispered.

You heard Bucky sigh. He was angry with himself, for not being approachable to you. All he wanted was to make you feel safe enough to come to him, and to hear that you hadn’t because you thought he had expectations for you crushed him. “Y/n, I told you you could tell me about this. When have I ever been disappointed or angry with you?”

“You haven’t. You were just so proud and I - I didn’t want to ruin that for you. I didn’t want to tell you that you were proud of a lie.”

“Hey, hey look at me.” Hesitantly you looked up to meet his eyes. “None of this was you lying. You put in the hard work day after day, and I told you I was here to support you. But I never did the work for you. You did that. I’m proud of you and I always will be because you’re a fighter. It’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to slip up. It’s okay to need a little help too, and that’s what I’m here for. A slip up doesn’t erase all the hard work you’ve put in before. I’m proud of you for the progress you’ve made, and of the work you put in. This doesn’t change anything sweetheart.”

He pulled you back into his chest.

“I’ll always be proud of you.”

#Bucky Barnes #buckybarnes #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky #bucky barns fanfiction #bucky barns imagine #bucky barns x you #MCU fanfiction #mcu imagine #mcu fic #MCU #marvel fanfic #marvel fanfiction #marvel #eating disorder comfort #tw eating disorder #tw

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caramelcal · 4 years ago

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Panic

Request: I really wanna be friends with you but I’m too shy 🙈But I got a request for a stiles x reader where they’ve been friends for super long but then the reader has to leave. Later the reader comes back to beacon hills and her introduction to the pack is literally her helping stiles calm down from a panic attack?I don’t know it sounds ok in my head if it’s too difficult it’s okay just sorry for bothering you. -Anon

Word Count:

a/n: hi lovelies, im not in the best place right now but i felt really bad for not uploading. this isnt good but here it is. also whoever requested this, don’t feel shy i love talking to people! have a good day everyone, ill edit and update it soon xx

As for now, I’m thinking people can request headcanons and blurbs that i can write quicker, because trying to articulate words right now is really draining for me. I’m so sorry :(

You guys met when you were four. When Stiles, still as crazy as he is now, was running about the playground flailing his arms like a mad man with an asthmatic Scott trying not to have an asthma attack whilst he chased him.

Yet, in his haste of trying his best to get away from him asthmatic friend, his flailing arms slapped a little girl in the face, you. He stopped almost immediately, stuttering, a blush rising to his cheeks when he stared at you. Grasping your cheek, you twirled around with hair wild as you stared at the boy with anger on your face.

Your four year old self thought he did it on purpose, so you did the only thing you thought was necessary. You slapped him across the face too. You remembered the way he clasped his cheek, letting out a small ‘ow’ yet along with yourself, he thought that he deserved it too. You also remembered the way that both of your moms ran over to the two of you, pulling you away from the other children and starting scolding you both.

You stood there, yellow sundress on with your head held low with Stiles beside you, scolding you for hitting someone whilst Claudia scolded Stiles for now watching where he was going and being careless.

“Now, you better apologize to Stiles for hitting him, y/n! I mean it!” Your mother continued to scold before you turned around with a huff, eyes looking down at the small hazel eyes of the boy.

“I’m sorry,” You whispered sadly. Maybe it was your mother’s scolding but you did feel bad for the boy, you should have never hit him in the first place, “I shouldn’t have hit you.”

“It’s okay, sorry for hitting you first,” Stiles replied, sending you a grin despite the red mark forming on his face. It wasn’t long before he stepped forward, wrapping you in a hug, chubby arms surrounding your figure. He pulled away quickly, making the hug quick as he began to spoke, “Me and my friend Scott were playing tag, wanna join?”

Sending him a smile, you nodded your head before he grabbed your hand, pulling him over to his friend Scott, and that was where your friendship began.

. . .

It was crazy how close the two of you became, through thick and thin with one another. You guys were attached at the hip, hardly ever seen without one another, even by each other’s parents. You were there through everything with Stiles, when Claudia died, through his nightmares about that, his panic attacks, everything.

In fact, you were the only one that knew how to properly calm Stiles down from a panic attack and learned how to do it at the ripe age of eleven. All he had to do was breathe in your scent, a scent he was comfortable and familiar with, someone that he loved to remind him that you were still here and always would be. That’s what you told him; that you would always be there.

But it was a lie.

Your dad got another job, and you guys had to move away. His mother was gone, and now you were too; it broke him. There was never a day that went past where Stiles didn’t remember you and miss you, even though you guys didn’t talk anymore. You guys lead very different lives now, Stiles fighting supernatural creatures and you doing whatever you were doing.

Stuff, albeit hard, seemed to be going well for Stiles. That was, until the nightmares came back, the panic attacks. Yet, this time you weren’t there to soothe him. Even though he was in his late teens now, he didn’t know just how much he needed you. Sure, the pack were like his family but they didn’t know how to comfort him, not even Scott, and that was clear when he had a panic attack in the hospital.

His vision became blurry, mind screaming at him and throat constricting. The all too awful familiar feeling had returned, and Stiles wanted to scream, but he couldn’t because he was too busy trying not to pass out. His body dropped to the floor, trying to steady himself against the walls of the hospital as the pack watched him go down. His fingers clawed at his head as if pulling on the strands was going to be able to get him to breathe.

An overwhelming buzzing noise filled his ears, one that made him feel like he was going crazy, he needed to hear something else, something that would push him back into reality.

“Stiles? Oh god, breathe with me,” He barely felt the hand that cupped his cheek, but he heard that voice. Your voice.

You couldn’t be here, you weren’t. You had been gone for three years. It only panicked him further. He tried to breathe, to speak, to question if it was really you but all it made him do was struggle even more.

“I’m here Sti, I’m here,” With the hand that cupped his cheek, you pushed his face up slightly to meet your eyes. Stiles could barely see, vision blurry with disgarded tears that fogged his eyes up but he remembered those eyes. Your e/c eyes staring right back at him.

You were right there with him again, where you belonged.

You followed the same procedure you had become used to when Stiles used to have panic attacks, not paying any attention to the teenagers that surrounded you looked astounded. None of them had ever seen you or recognized you apart from Scott, but he was so shocked that you were there.

Eventually, Stiles head leaning against your shirt, breathing back to normal as he took in the familiar smell of you that hadn’t changed. One that made him feel at home, more at home than he had felt since this supernatural stuff happened.

“Y/n/n,” Stiles whispered, voice so quiet as if he didn’t want to disturb the astonished silence in fear of you truly not being there.

However, when Stiles’ hazel eyes met your e/c ones once again, he couldn’t help the smile that creeped onto his face, “Hi, Stiles.”

He doesn’t spare anytime before he tackled you into a hug, almost knocking you over but you somehow maintain your balance. His head is in the crook of your neck, arms wrapped around the back of your neck with a hand in your hair. He doesn’t want to let go; his eyes closed as he basked in the comforting feeling of home.

However, it isn’t long before someone breaks the silence, one of the astonished teenagers that have been watching the whole escapade, “Uh Stiles, wanna introduce us to your lady friend?”

#dylan o'brien x reader #dylan o'brien #stiles stilinksi x reader #stiles stilinski x you #stiles stilinski x y/n #teen wolf stiles #stiles stilinski #teen wolf #teen wolf x reader

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scintillatingshortgirl19 · 3 years ago

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Loki’s Line About Betraying Everyone

I need to talk about this line (spoiler: I’m not happy about it). I was going to just include this in the full episode response post I’m working on, but it got long enough that I decided to make it its own.

First of all, here’s the full quote: "I betrayed everyone who ever loved me. I betrayed my father, my brother, my home. I know what I did. And I know why I did it. And that's not who I am anymore."

Y'all, I'm less emotional about it now but this line fucked me up when I first heard it. It hit me like a ton of bricks while watching the episode for the first time because I was actually doing fine and wasn't significantly bothered by anything up until that point, and then came that line and I suddenly almost felt physically ill. I actually wrote up a post about it that night but never posted it because it was essentially just a lot of screaming, so I've now taken pieces of that and formed a hopefully more coherent post (though it still contains a good amount of screaming). So, I get that the idea that Loki’s betrayed Thor over and over is a Commonly Accepted Thing. It's really a lot more complicated than that, and there are a lot of gray areas involved, but fine, I'll give them that one. But - when did Loki betray his father? When did Loki betray his home?? I’m not just mad about it, this is...a legitimate question. I mean with the father thing, I guess the only thing could be the nursing home in Ragnarok/taking the throne from him? Which is irrelevant anyway because this Loki didn’t do that and doesn't even know it happened in the main timeline?? And besides, it PALES, like, hilariously, in comparison to any one of multiple things Odin did to him before that (not counting any fanon here - just the canon things that we know of!) I am just so confused, especially about the betraying Asgard thing. WHEN? LITERALLY WHEN? Guys, there is no film in which that took place.

If I trusted the narrative, I would say the most logical thing to conclude - at least about the betraying Asgard part - is that this is a setup for Loki to later realize he actually saved Asgard by causing Ragnarok (because that's the closest thing I can think of to "betraying his home"), which could even tie into something about, idk, helping him realize he’s capable of being a hero? (or something) and it would be a good follow-up to the moment he found out about Ragnarok in episode 2, but...fuck, the way these lines were framed it really doesn't feel like anything like that is going to happen. I could be wrong, but these just didn't strike me as lines that are at any point going to be contradicted or even revisited.

And moving onto another part of the quote - "I know why I did it." Uh, I guess good for Loki for apparently knowing that...but the audience sure doesn't?? This is something we're just now being told and have not been shown at all?? I have a feeling Loki thinks he knows why but it unfortunately doesn't have anything to do with some of the biggest actual reasons, which are the abuses done to him that helped make him who he is. Even more unfortunately, I also have a feeling the creators are on roughly the same page as Loki here. So yeah, that's a real shame.

The core problem here seems to be where the writers are coming from, and @iamanartichoke worded it really well here, so I’m just going to quote her: “either the writing is being lazy by oversimplifying Loki’s motives, or it’s being deliberately misleading in order to retcon the character, or the writers genuinely believe that’s what happened, which implies a misunderstanding of Loki’s character kinda from the get-go - at least on what drives his villainy and what fuels his anger, which are pretty significant things.” I do think there’s a slight chance they were using Loki as an unreliable narrator here and the audience was supposed to pick up on the subtext (more on that at the end of this post), but I doubt it, and I think it’s very likely one or more of the options listed in the quote.

Honestly, I can explain Loki's line about betrayal (and his general lack of acknowledgement of his own trauma/legit grievances against his family) pretty easily in-universe. It makes sense that Loki himself would frame things as him betraying everyone who's ever loved him as if they never did anything to wrong him first, or that he would try to ignore what Thanos did to him in favor of putting all the blame on himself (coping with his trauma and loss of control by denying it). Or hell, maybe he would even straight up subconsciously invent a betrayal that never even happened, like the one about his home. I can totally understand Loki seeing the events of his life that way! That all lines up with his complete lack of self-worth, and to have him 1) recognize his mistakes and take responsibility for them (which has happened at this point in the show), but then progress on to 2) realize he isn't solely to blame for literally everything, and 3) recognize the role of his family and others in understanding why he is the way he is - that would be a very satisfying arc and is the natural direction that the story should take in episode 6. The problem is, I don't think the show is going that way. I think we're either supposed to take it at face value that Loki did in fact betray everybody who ever loved him (as if Loki is a reliable narrator when he's most certainly an unreliable one), or the audience is supposed to figure out that Loki's an unreliable narrator here - but the latter won't work, because the creators have to follow through on that subtext at some point and actually do something to indicate that what Loki said wasn't 100% true, and it doesn't feel like they're going to. You can't expect your audience to put any weight on subtext or even pick up on it in the first place if you never actually confirm anything, and your audience won't know your narrator is unreliable unless you tell them. If Loki being an unreliable narrator in that specific moment was their intention, only a small subset of fans are going to pick up on it. So the way they're framing it so far, the audience is simply going to see it the same way Loki does and not realize it's incorrect.

Unfortunately, as stated earlier, I think the most likely explanation is that the writers either don’t understand Loki, are being lazy, or are deliberately retconning. So while I take a degree of comfort in the in-universe explanation, it’s pretty damn infuriating to consider where the writer’s minds were probably at in reality, and how this set of lines is presenting Loki to the casual audience.

Tagging @iamanartichoke and @delyth88 if you guys have any thoughts?

#loki series negativity #loki spoilers #loki tv series #loki meta #loki series speculation #kind of #journey into mystery

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cora-vizsla · 4 years ago

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Cabur Chapter 3

Rating: Explicit (18+)

Word Count: 9K

Warnings: Talk of strict parents. Swearing. Drinking alcohol. Talk of sex. Smut. Dominant/submissive undertones. Unprotected sex and talk of how reckless that is because you should always use protection. Just a tiny bit of fluff.

AN: I start classes on Monday so I wanted to get out as much as possible. It’s a long chapter but a lot also happens in it. If I missed any tags please let me know!

You helped Din carry everything inside and set him up in your room. He had tried to argue but with him having an ad’ika you felt like he needed the privacy. Once everything was sat down you saw large ears poke out from his bag and your smile was almost painful.

“Who is this?”

He looked down and sighed, nodding at the small creature. It reached for you and you picked it up and it cooed loudly. You giggled and both men tilted their head to the side as if asking you what was wrong with you. It reached its small hand out and touched your helmet.

“What is its name?”

“I’m not sure what his name is.”

“He was your bounty?”

“Yes. Now I’ve been tasked to find his people.”

“What happens if you can’t find them?”

“Then we are a clan of two.”

You held the small creature to your chest and looked down into his big black eyes. He was cute, that was for sure.

“Does he need to eat? What does he eat?”

“Frogs. Anything he can get ahold of.”

Paz barked out a laugh and Din tensed. You brought him over to the kitchen area and started pointing at things. He finally reached out for a can of fish, so you opened it for him. It smelled but he seemed thrilled with it.

“There is a stream close to here. I can go to the village and get you fresh fish. How does that sound?”

He cooed at you and you rest your forehead on his. He shut his eyes and cuddled into you. You ignored the two other Mandalorians in the house and focused on Dins ad’ika.

“He likes you.”

“I like him!”

You glanced up at the two and they were staring at you.

“Why don’t you two go out on the porch. You can take your helmets off. The villagers won’t come near when it’s getting close to dark. I’ll cook and watch the ad’ika.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Din. He is safe with me.”

“I know he is. He can just.. be a handful.”

“He’s my buddy, right sweetheart?”

His face lit up and he touched your helmet again. Din sighed and walked outside. Paz shut the door and looked at you.

“I got the impression you were going to talk to me.”

“I always talk to you, Paz.”

“You know what I mean.”

“We can talk later, okay? Go with your brother. I need space for a little while.”

He nodded and went outside, shutting the door behind him just a little too rough. You set the child on the counter and clapped.

“Alright, kiddo. What do we want for dinner?”

You slipped your gloves off and started to dig through the supplies. You sighed realizing you didn’t have as much as you wish you had. Suddenly a gentle touch skimmed across your hand and you looked down to see the child shutting his eyes and touching you. The image of soup came to mind and the flashes of Din ordering soup for him often. Another image of Din sipping soup under his helmet in a way that the child couldn’t see his face. The child wondered what his savior looked like. You gasped and he moved his hand, looking up at you.

“You use the force, don’t you little one.”

He smiled at you with his sharp little teeth.

“I can make soup, ad’ika. Tomorrow I’ll get you fresh fish to eat, yeah?”

He giggled and you got to working on a fresh batch of soup.

As soon as it was done, you dished out a bowl for the child. He giggled and it warmed your heart that he liked what you did for him. You dished out two more bowls and knocked at the door asking if it was safe to come out. You heard Paz say yes so you opened the door holding the two bowls. They took it from you and Din snorted.

“How did you know the kid likes soup.”

“He told me.”

Din whipped towards you.

“What?”

“You didn’t tell me he’s a force user.”

“What do you know of force users?”

“They have exceptional powers. He used his to tell me how you always order him soup. He wonders what you look like. If he’s your ad’ika why don’t you show your face?”

“I’m.. I’m not his biur. Not yet.”

“Tell him that, though it may break his heart. He thinks the world of you, Din. I’ll go back inside so you two can eat. Sorry it isn’t much. I’ll get more supplies tomorrow.”

When you turned to go back in, Paz grabbed your arm stopping you.

“Thank you.”

You nodded and walked inside, shutting the door and letting out a shaky breath. The child was looking at you and you walked over, seeing he needed more. You sipped at your own the way he had shown you Din did.

“We don’t take our helmets off unless it’s with our children or our spouse.”

He reached his hand out, so you let him touch your bare skin. He showed you Din again, and you could tell he questioned what you had just told him.

“He is tasked to find your people but if he can’t find them you won’t be going anywhere. He will always take care of you even if you aren’t sure what’s going on right now. He won’t ever leave you behind, okay?”

He smiled again and you pat the top of his head. You hoped that Din would figure it out. No child deserved to feel so alone.

---

You cleaned up until the child started to yawn. You scooped him up and walked around, softly singing to him. He fell asleep quickly and you smiled at how precious he looked. After a while you put him down on your bed so he would be in there when Din was ready to sleep. When you walked out both men were coming inside.

“He’s asleep. He ended up really sleepy, so I walked around with him until he fell asleep.”

“Thank you, vod’ika. Sometimes he has a hard time falling asleep.”

“It was nothing, Din. I’m happy to help.”

“Why don’t you tell Din about the little girl in town that needs a biur.”

Din looked at Paz then back at you. You sighed loudly and put your hand on your hip, glaring at the larger man.

“There is nothing to talk about.”

“She has no family?”

“No, she doesn’t. She really likes your vod’ika and hops from home to home to have somewhere to sleep. The village calls this one here cabur and I was yelled at by a small one for speaking ill of her. The little one in question is enamored with her cabur.”

“Vod’ika, why haven’t you taken her in?”

“We aren’t talking about this. None of us. Drop it. There wasn’t even a need to bring it up.”

Din tilt his head to the side, and you could have smacked Paz you were so mad.

“You won’t listen to me. Maybe you’ll listen to Din.”

“Paz, you are the most insufferable pain in the ass I have ever met!”

“And you’re the most bullheaded stubborn sheb I’ve ever met!”

“Well if that isn’t the Quacta calling the Stifling slimy.”

Paz barked out a laugh and stepped forward. You tensed your body, hands balled into fists as you stared at him. Din looked between both of you and crossed his arms.

“What the hell is going on between you two?”

You both yelled nothing, but it was hard to miss the difference in your inflection. You were furious and wanted Din to know that there was absolutely nothing to talk about. Paz sounded defeated and frustrated that there was nothing going on.

“I might believe that if I didn’t walk up to you on his lap.”

You tossed your hands in the air and let them slap at your legs when they dropped.

“Of course, that’s when you would walk up. You didn’t see all the times I yelled at him or told him off. You weren’t even here to see me shoot him. But yes, you walk up when he pulls me against my will against him. Wonderful!”

“You shot him?”

“Against your will?!”

They both spoke at the same time and you were the one to laugh that time. You slipped your gloves back on and went to the door. As soon as you opened it Paz slapped his hand on it, effectively stopping you from leaving when it slammed shut.

“I will break this fucking door Paz and then you can tell the village why we need a new one. Let me out.”

“You aren’t running away! This is exactly what I was talking about before. Anytime things get hard or slightly uncomfortable you run away.”

“Do you think maybe I’m running from you?”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Every time I’ve had to run it has been your fault. Perhaps you should be more worried about your actions that cause me to do this than me doing it.”

He grabbed your shoulder and spun you before pushing your back against the door. You glared up at him and saw Din start to walk forward but he stopped when you didn’t try to fight back.

“I thought we were past this, ad’ika. I thought we were past you trying to run from me when all I have done is try to help you since the moment I got here. Do you know how lucky you are to still be breathing? No one just shoots me and lives. No one yells at me and treats me poorly and gets to live. I’ve killed for far less.”

“Then just go ahead and do it! Go back to the Armorer and tell her that you found me dead.”

“I’d need your beskar, you stupid girl.”

“Over my dead fucking body are you taking this beskar off me.”

“That was just my point! Stars you are obstinate for no reason! If you put half of this fire into getting what you want instead of hiding, you’d have the entire galaxy!”

“I AM NOT FUCKING HIDING YOU GIANT FUCKING OAF!”

Din cackled at that and it broke the concentration between the two of you. Paz stepped back and let go of the door.

“If you aren’t hiding, then talk. Go ahead and run out the door though. I know you’re going to. It’s what you do. You’re no verd. Warriors don’t run from their problems.”

Your entire body was shaking you were so angry. You did want to bolt. You wanted to head out the door and find an entirely new planet to be on away from everyone you knew, including Din. He was supposed to come to you to help you deal with Paz, not question you.

You stomped over to the counter where you kept your alcohol. You didn’t drink often but you had it just in case, more so for wounds than anything else. It was strong and you liked being on your toes. However, this situation was entirely different. You yanked your helmet off and slammed it on the counter, your back towards the two men.

“What are you doing?”

Paz sounded unsure and you could feel Din shifting his weight like he did when he was uncomfortable. You grabbed the bottle and took a huge swig, wincing when it burned your throat. You leaned forward, both hands on the counter and sighed.

“If I’m going to deal with this I’m going to need to be at least buzzed. You’re much to vexing to deal with sober and since your brother has decided to do the absolute opposite of what I was hoping he would do, this is how I’m going to deal.”

You took another swig and pulled your helmet back on, not caring that your hair was hanging below your helmet for once. You turned around and motioned for the living space. It was going to be a long night.

---

Paz filled Din in on everything that had happened in the last year. You chimed in to correct or add to what he was saying. Din listened intently glancing at you when it came up you had been protecting everyone.

“So, you have been living by the creed the entire time.”

“Yes. No one has seen my face. The village doesn’t even know my name.”

“Vod’ika, why are you being so hard on yourself then. Is it your biur?”

You shrugged.

“I think they meant well. I do. It’s just that it.. You know the stipulation when they took me in.”

“I do.”

“What?”

You cursed yourself. Drinking always made you chatty and even though you knew that was what you needed to do, part of you forgot that Paz would be finding things out you had hidden from him before.

“I told you before that the creed saved me.”

“Right, and I said that you didn’t take the creed until years later.”

“You aren’t wrong. The problem is I had to promise to take the creed long before that. Mandalorians are given the choice to take the vow and when they want to. For my biur to take me in, I had to promise that I would train so I was worthy to wear the beskar. Without this metal, without this helmet, I would be dead on the street.”

“So those were your choices? Die or become one of us? Who let this happen? Does the Armorer know about this?”

The more questions Paz asked the angrier he became. It made you tense but it almost felt nice that he knew why you felt the way you did.

“She does. That’s why I was asked to look out for her. They never did anything that could warrant them being sent away, but it was a fine line. There are extremists everywhere in every group, but the Armorer wanted this one to be safe.”

“She wanted me to have a chance. I was forced to take this creed, but it doesn’t change how important it is to me. I swore to be different than them. It’s why I’m so strong in my beliefs, Paz. I need to do things this way, so I don’t end up like them.”

“Then why be so upset about the helmet? Your biur would have disowned you but if you had just gone to the Armorer she would have understood. The rest of us would have understood.”

“I broke the creed. I’ve broken what it means to me. Just because my beliefs on this are different than yours doesn’t make them invalid. I can’t rely on everyone just forgiving the broken creed. I won’t.”

“And you won’t marry outside of love because you don’t want to be like them too?”

You nodded and pulled your legs up, so you were more or less curled up on the couch. Din reached over and put his hand on your knee. He had always been the one to console you even though it wasn’t very conventional. That was how you learned to fight. You channeled all your pain and frustration into fighting.

“Go get some sleep, Din. I have a feeling the kid will be up soon.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind giving up your room?”

“Yes. I have no problem sleeping on the couch.”

He stood and stretched, groaning at the movements.

“Getting old, Din.”

“Yeah, shut up.”

You laughed and said goodnight as he walked back into the room. Before you could stand up to get a blanket, Paz was handing one to you. You thanked him quietly and started pulling your beskar off, stacking it neatly by the couch. You laid down on your side once you were done and Paz sat on the floor, leaning back against the couch so he was close to you.

“Why didn’t you tell me any of that?”

“It’s not something I like talking about.”

“It doesn’t change that you run from everything.”

“I know it doesn’t. I at least have a reason for it.”

He tilted his head back, so it was resting on your thigh. You felt strange but the feeling wasn’t horrible. His breathing changed a few times like he was going to talk but decided not to.

“Were you actually unwilling?”

“What?”

“When I pulled you on me. Were you really unwilling? I don’t want to upset you.”

“I.. no. It wasn’t unwilling. I would have said something. I was just mad and embarrassed that of all times that was when Din showed up.

He fell silent again and with how steady his breathing was, you almost thought he fell asleep.

“Have you been like that before with someone?”

“Sat on someone’s lap?”

He turned his head to face you and you barked out a laugh.

“Oh! Yes. Yes, I’ve had sex before, if that’s what you’re asking. The creed says nothing about sex.”

“And they never saw your face?”

“You’re the only one who has seen my face since I’ve taken the creed.”

“So, you just had sex with your helmet on?”

You laughed and shrugged.

“It’s the only part of the beskar that has to stay on. You know that. You��re saying you’ve never had sex?”

“Of course, I’ve had sex! What kind of question is that?”

“Oh, so you can question me, but I can’t question you?”

He huffed and rolled his head back, so he was facing forward.

“I guess that’s fair. You know, you’re being pretty bold considering I’m the one who has been drinking.”

“Bold? No. Being bold would be telling you that you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

You chuckled expecting him to join in with you but instead he just turned to look at you fully.

“I know we fight something fierce. I know that I’m not the most patient person in the galaxy. I do respect you. I think even more than I did before and I didn’t think that was possible.”

“Thank you, Paz.”

“You’re nothing like your biur. I understand not wanting to be like them. You just can’t not live because you’re afraid you may end up like them.”

“I’m scared to live. I’m scared to let anyone close. Not that I’ll admit it again once I’m sober.”

He rumbled out a laugh and you smiled at the sound.

“I hope you can begin to trust me.”

“I do trust you Paz. I just know it’s not actually me that you want. You just want the tribe back.”

“You’re so sure of that?”

“Of course. What use would you have for me? You need a woman that will stay home and give you warriors. Someone to come home to. Marrying me out of obligation would do nothing but hinder you. You’re already a warrior. No use for ‘nother.”

“Do I look like the type of man that would come home anywhere? This is the longest I’ve stayed anywhere.”

“I ‘dunno Paz. Look pretty domestic to me.”

He laughed and pulled the blanket up on you, hearing how tired you are by the sound of your voice.

“Get some sleep, cabur’ika.”

“Will you leave with Din?”

“What? Of course not. Din has his own journey. Mine is right here.”

You laughed and rolled away from him. You were so tired that you didn’t even fight him when he turned shut the light off and slipped your helmet off your head. You mumbled out a thank you and giggled when you heard him stumble into his room.

“G’night Paz.”

“Goodnight, cabur.”

---

You stood on the porch watching the sunrise the next morning. You could still hear Paz snoring and as annoying as it was, you were getting used to the sound. When you heard the door open, Din walked out holding the small child.

“Good morning”

“Morning.”

“He wake you up early?”

He grumbled and handed the kid to you. You smiled and scratched the top of his head, smiling when he cooed at you.

“How long are you staying?”

“Depends on if you and Paz are going to kill each other.”

You sighed and sat down, leaning against the wall. Din joined you, keeping one knee bent so he could rest his arm on it.

“I’m not going to kill him.”

“Well then you’re going to need to have sex with him. One or the other.”

You laughed and smacked his arm.

“Din!”

“I’m serious. The two of you need to get some energy out and it’s either going to be fucking or killing. I’ve known both of you for a long time. Never seen either of you at anyone’s throat like this.”

“He wants me to marry him.”

“I know you have your own ideas for marriage, but in our tribe, you know it’s about convenience and strength. Who can you be compatible with to make sure the tribe lives on?”

“I hear what you’re saying.”

“You’re letting your pride keep you from the tribe. We need you. Paz needs you. The Armorer isn’t on Navarro anymore. I’m not sure where she is or where they all moved to but there aren’t many people left. Having one more person would be a huge deal.”

“So, I just enter into the marriage like a negotiation?”

He shrugged.

“Why not? Aren’t most marriages like that? Not that I’m well versed in that but it’s all a negotiation. Decide what you both can and can’t live with and meet in the middle. As much as he pushes my buttons, he isn’t a bad man.”

You sighed and nodded.

“I know he isn’t. I just don’t want him to regret it later.”

“That sounds like his decision to make. Not yours.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I know I am.”

You tilt your head and laughed, picking up on his playful mood.

“Thank you, Din.”

“You’re welcome, vod’ika. You two will figure it out. Neither of you have anywhere else to be. May as well be together instead of you both being alone.”

“What about you?”

“I have the kid.”

“And what happens if you find his family?”

“Then I’ll be showing up on your doorsteps. Don’t worry about me. I’m used to doing things on my own as a bounty hunter.”

“That mean you’re leaving soon?”

“I need to. I have a lot to do to find the Jedi. It seems like every time I find something out, I need to do five different highly dangerous things to find out something else.”

You laughed and rest your head on his shoulder. He squeezed your leg playfully before sighing at the child.

“You ready to go, kid?”

He looked up at you and touched your hand. You slipped the glove off, letting him connect with you again. He showed you his time with you and you felt how comfortable and safe he felt. You smiled and pressed your forehead to his.

“You will always be welcome here, ad’ika. Take care of Din for me, yeah? He won’t ever admit it, but he needs you just as much as you need him.”

Din sighed next to you but didn’t correct your statement. You handed the child over to Din and stood when he did.

“Don’t you want to say goodbye to Paz?”

“I already told him I’d be gone by the time he woke up. Besides, I’ll see you two again. You know how to get ahold of me.”

“I do.”

“Thank you for letting us stay here.”

“Always, Din. I mean that. If you ever need anything just call. The blue giant and I will be there.”

He put his forehead to yours again and you shut your eyes, not wanting to cry. As much as you knew he needed to go, you were going to miss him terribly.

“This is the way.”

He stepped away and slung his bag over his back, walking into the woods and out of sight. You looked back towards the cabin and sighed, knowing there was a huge talk that needed to happen between you and Paz. You hoped desperately that both of you could keep calm enough to come to an understanding.

---

Paz finally came out of his room and you motioned for him to sit next to you. He instead sat in front of you by the wall and you sighed.

“You’re so stubborn.”

“We know this. Din leave?”

“Yeah. He left this morning. He said you already knew he was leaving.”

“I did. We don’t really do the goodbye thing.”

“I let him know that if he needed help from us to just comm me.”

He snorted and crossed his arms.

“Volunteering me now?”

“Well you seem to be sticking by my side so yeah.”

“Where else would I go? Not like I have a home to go to.”

You crossed your arms and tensed up.

“Is that how you feel? We just built you an entire room, Paz. You don’t see this as your home?”

“It’s not sustainable. We’re safe for now but soon enough they will come looking for us. There are a lot of people who want to wipe out the Mandalorians.”

“Why are you being so hostile today?”

“I’m not being hostile.”

He basically snapped at you, so you narrowed your eyes. When you tilt your head to the side he scoffed and looked away.

“Could have fooled me.”

You got up to head to the kitchen and heard him stand, following you.

“Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?”

You turned and he was directly in front of you. You jumped slightly and he wrapped his hands around your biceps. You already had your armor on, but he easily wrapped his large hands around you.

“You keep running.”

“Paz, I’m going to cook food. Aren’t you hungry?”

“What?”

You laughed and shook your head slightly.

“I was going to go into town today to get fish for Din’s ad’ika but since they’re gone, I wanted to make something to eat and figure out what we need. I still have some of the soup or I can make something new.”

“I.. you don’t need to cook anything new. The soup was good.”

You started heating the food up while he stood leaning against the wall. He had his arms crossed as he was watching you.

“I know that when you came around, we were already pretty secluded, but our warriors were never meant to fight alone. We used to have vast armies, and everyone had their role. When the purge happened is when we had to learn to fight on our own. We held onto the tribe mentality as much as possible, but I always hated how we taught the young they were on their own.”

You listened to him, leaning back on the counter. As much as you normally would say something sarcastic, hearing Paz speak about the culture was always something you enjoyed. It also helped that he wasn’t talking down to you.

“When I could be around to teach the children, I made sure that they knew we were important to each other. I think being out on my own made me forget that for a long time. Being utterly alone makes you think of things differently, even if that means it isn’t always right.”

“I can agree with that. When you’re the only person you need to look out for it becomes a little easier. I don’t.. I don’t usually care so much about myself. What has kept me going is the obligation to the village here and making sure I could send back to the tribe whenever possible.”

You dished out the now warm soup and moved to the living area, sitting down on the couch. Paz sat down on the chair near the kitchen and you heard his helmet set down on the counter. You took your own off and sat it next to you. You were surprised at how comfortable it was being in the house with him, even if you couldn’t really look at him.

“When I first came here, I refused any comforts. I slept on the ground in a side alley in the village. It made the village very upset to know I wasn’t warm and safe. They didn’t understand that it doesn’t really matter where we sleep; we’re just happy to be actually sleeping.”

Paz chuckled and you smiled.

“They offered me all the best houses there, but it didn’t feel right taking from them. They finally insisted I live here and furnished the entire thing. I didn’t really have any credits to offer them, but I couldn’t just take without payment. That was how we decided on our agreement. I could help them, and they could help me. It makes them feel good when I’m taken care of.”

“And you feel better know that you’re keeping them safe.”

You hummed in agreement and drank some of the soup, smiling at the memory of the small child enjoying it so much.

“Running may have been what brought me here, but it isn’t what kept me in one place. I am comfortable but I just wanted to feel like I was taking care of someone like I would have been taking care of the tribe.”

“You have a very kind heart, cabur. I understand fearing being like your biur but you are nothing like them.”

“Thank you. It makes me feel better hearing that. I know that they were extreme and stricter than most. I just want to live by the creed without losing who I am at the core.”

“You sound more at peace today.”

“I guess so. Din and I chatted before he left. Plus talking to both of you last night helped too. I’ve been… stubborn.”

You heard him slip his helmet on, so you did the same. He sat down next to you on the couch, being physically close to you for once. You turned so you had your legs crossed and could face him fully. He made the couch look so little but there was more than enough room for you to sit any way you wanted.

“I did always tell myself that I would only marry for love. However, your point that I don’t let anyone close to me was valid. I can’t love someone if I don’t let myself near anyone.”

“Did Din tell you that, so you finally believed it?”

“No. I knew when you said it that you were right. I’m not very good at admitting that.”

“Neither am I.”

You laughed and nodded.

“There aren’t many of us left and those that are happen to be scattered across the galaxy. I am lucky to still have two tribesmen close to me.”

“We are lucky to have that. You aren’t the only one.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry. I’ve been horrible towards you for saving my life and it was wrong of me. I don’t know if I would have done the same thing for you then, but I would now. I’m sure you know that I’m not in love with you, but I do have tremendous respect for you. I know there are things we would need to talk and work out, but if you truly want me to be your riduur, I will accept. This is bigger than just the two of us. Our tribe needs both of us”

He turned and put his hand on your knee. His hand felt warm even with all the armor and you tentatively put your hand on top of his. He squeezed your fingers in response.

“What do you need from me?”

“I don’t expect us to change. I don��t want us to feel like we need to act differently.”

“What of ad’ike? Do you still want children?”

“Yes, eventually. There are plenty of children who need biur. When we are both ready and feel like it’s time, we can discuss it.”

You expect him to bring up the small girl in the village, but he didn’t.

“I also want you to promise me that you will not regret this. If you.. meet someone else.. and want to promise yourself to them, then you need to do it. I will not come in the way of your happiness. Not any more than I already have.”

“You would absolve it for me to be with someone else?”

“Yes.”

“You know that means you likely would never find another within the tribe.”

“I know, Paz. You did save my life and now you want to marry me to so I can go back to our family when the time comes. I at least owe you a way out.”

He reached over and pulled you, so you were sitting sideways on his lap. One arm wrapped around your waist and the other rested on your leg.

“I know I’ve made mistakes and I’ve let you down. I’ve hurt you more than any enemy could and for that I am sorry. I know you think in your head that I am only doing this because of the tribe but that isn’t true. I want us to start over. I will do whatever it takes. We can figure all this out together. We both know what is at stake and I’ve let you down before, but I am so thankful for this chance. You said you don’t want us to change, but cyare you have already changed me so much.”

You felt your chest tighten at his admission. You desperately wanted to say something, but you were at an absolute loss of words.

“You deserve so much better than what you’ve gone through in your life. You deserve so much better than me.”

“No. No you’re a good man. I don’t know that I can physically not give you shit every day but don’t think for a second that I think less of you.”

He chuckled and held you tighter.

“I wish you could see yourself for the warrior you are. Your strength is so much more than could be put in words. I’m glad you opened up to me last night. I know it hurts to do that.”

“It does.”

“I need to see all of it though. Just like you need to see every side of me. Guess it’s a good thing you’ve already seen me being a total asshole.”

You laughed and felt some of the tension fall from your shoulders.

“I just feel you’re settling because you feel guilty about my broken creed.”

“It’s much more than that to me now. I would be the luckiest Mandalorian in the galaxy to have a riduur as strong and resilient as you. Someone to raise warriors with together. Between your smarts and my brute strength, they would be unstoppable.”

He placed his hand on the side of your helmet and turned your face towards his.

“Whenever you’re ready. I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together.”

---

Your trip into town was fairly uneventful. You were able to tell Paz more about the village and the history you had learned from the elders. He listened intently which made you incredibly happy.

Something had shifted between the two of you. His entire attention was on you and his movements synced with yours. You tried to remember if he had always gently touched your back when you stopped to look at something. Did he always turn towards you so fully when you spoke?

You couldn’t figure out if he was acting different or if it was you. It was entirely possible that you were finally letting that wall down around him. You noticed things that would keep you alive but social interactions weren’t something you looked at closely.

It wasn’t that you disliked what he was doing. It was just different.

“The market should be opened by now. There isn’t usually a lot left so I don’t feel as bad taking what no one else wanted.”

“They get more supplies tomorrow?”

You nodded and felt your face heating up. He was overwhelming but you absolutely decided you liked this side of Paz. The two of you continued through the village and made it to the market. You worker smiled at both of you and you didn’t miss the way she looked at Paz’s hand resting on your lower back. She gave you a huge smile and wished you both a good day.

“They’re all so friendly here.”

“Yeah, they are. It’s nice to not hide who we are. They like the fact that we’re Mandalorians.”

“Nothing like Navarro.”

“Which is why I like it here.”

You walked back to the cabin, both carrying the food. You put things away and started a meal, having finished off the soup earlier that day. Paz sat in the kitchen chair watching you cook and hum to yourself.

“Is there something you want to talk about? I don’t think you’ve looked at me this much in my entire life.”

“I think you need to bring Lahta here.”

“Paz.. I don’t want this life for her.”

“It would be her choice. Your circumstances were different. That isn’t the norm. We bring foundlings home and give them a chance regardless of what they choose.”

“I’ve never seen someone not take it.”

“I don’t know many that haven’t. It is still a choice.”

“Then they’re cast aside if they don’t want to?”

“No. They live with us as part of the tribe. You don’t remember people being around with no helmets on?”

“My biur kept me away from most. Can we.. can we talk about this later? I’m a bit overwhelmed if I’m being honest. We’ve talked about a lot today.”

He sighed but nodded.

“Okay. We will talk again though.”

You nodded and finished cooking. You did want to discuss bring the girl home. You had thought about her often and it kicked up once you found out she had no family. It was just too much to process. You sat the plate down in front of him.

“When.. when do you want to.. share vows?”

You winced at how meek you sounded.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

“How do I know I’m ready.”

“I’m not sure. You will though. We will both know.”

You grabbed your food and walked into the living area again. Slipping your helmet off, you started eating enjoying eating a hot meal. You thought about how soon you could actually eat with Paz and it did warm your heart.

“You looked beautiful when you were dying.”

You choked on your drink and started coughing.

“What!?”

“No.. I.. fuck.. When I saw your face. You were beautiful.”

“Paz, there were a thousand different ways you could have said that better.”

You burst into laughter and you heard him grumble.

“I mean it. I didn’t mean to put my foot in my mouth, but I did mean it when I said you’re beautiful.”

“I do have to say that when I thought of my future husband calling me beautiful, it didn’t sound like that.”

“Maker kill me now.”

“No. Not now.”

“When then?”

“I told you. Once you go lay down by the wood line. I’m not dragging your ass.”

You burst out laughing when you heard him slam his helmet on, so you did the same. He stalked over to you, looming over you still sitting. You desperately tried to stop laughing but you failed miserably.

“You think you’re so funny, huh?”

“I think I’m fucking hilarious, actually.”

“Hmm.”

“Hmm? Did you not hear me? Is your hearing going, old ma-“

You were cut off when he abruptly grabbed you by your chest armor. He lifted you up like you were absolutely nothing and spun so he was pressing your back against the wall. He moved himself forward, pressing his body against yours. You worked hard to control your breathing, but he must have noticed. The dark chuckle that came from deep in his chest sent a shiver down your spine.

“Not so mouthy now, huh?”

You knew damn well if you spoke at that moment your voice would have cracked, so you shook your head instead.

“That’s what I thought, little one. You’re such a brat sometimes, you know.”

“I may have noticed.”

He chuckled again and pushed one of his legs between yours, holding you up more efficiently. You stifled a small gasp but again he chuckled at your reactions.

“I think you like getting a rise out of me, cyare.”

“Perhaps you’re just easily provoked.”

He pressed his leg forward more and you gasped. Your hands shot to his shoulders and you gripped the straps to his armor. He moved his hands to your hips and gripped them hard.

“I’ve thought about this, you know. I’ve wondered what little noises you would let slip through your lips when I put my hands on you. I’ve thought about how much you would like me dominating you. Tell me, cabur’ika, is this the reaction you were hoping for?”

“Stars you and cocky.”

“Tell me to stop then.”

“Why would I do that?”

He growled out a laugh and lifted you more so you could wrap your legs around his waist. He immediately turned and head to his room, kicking the door shut behind you.

“Holy shit its dark in here.”

You hadn’t even thought of putting a window in, more concerned with having a space for him. He pinned you back against the wall, using his body to keep you up when his hands moved up and took his helmet off. You inhaled sharply through your nose but there was absolutely no seeing anything even as your eyes adjusted to the dark.

“It has its uses.”

“I can’t see anything.”

“Good. Then we aren’t breaking the rules.”

“Pretty fine line.”

He chuckled and moved his hands to your helmet. You tensed slightly but nodded, helping him remove it.

“Your bucket is so light.”

“Well in comparison to yours all my armor is light I’m sure.”

He set your helmet down carefully next to his on the dresser and placed his hands gently on each side of your face. Your breath was shaky as you moved your hands up to do the same to him. You smiled when you felt his soft skin and the facial hair covering the lower half of his face. You traced your thumb across his bottom lip and felt the sigh slip through.

“So, this is why you asked if I had sex with my helmet on. You figured out a loophole.”

“Surprised someone as smart as you didn’t think of it.”

“Maybe I just don’t like cheating the system.”

Your voice was playful, and you felt a smile spread across his face.

“Hmm, but if we didn’t cheat the system how would I ever be able to do this?”

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to yours. You gasped against his lips at the sensation. You had thought of kissing before, but you never expected it to feel so intimate. You had let others touch your body, that didn’t seem like a big deal to you. His lips pressed against you was hands down the most intimate feeling you had ever experienced.

You were afraid that you would feel inexperienced and naïve, but the way Paz kissed you was everything. He slowly showed you what to do with your mouth in a way that made you hungry. This was nothing like how you learned how to fight; violent and unforgiving. You learned how to press your lips to his in a way that clouded every other sense. The feeling of him against you quickly made you breathless. When he broke away, he pressed his forehead to you and rubbed his nose against yours.

“You have far too many clothes on, mesh’la.”

“I guess you should fix that problem then.”

He chuckled and kissed you quickly before starting to work on your armor. It was shocking to you just how easily he was able to hold you up. He made quick work of your armor and you laughed at the fact that he seemed more proficient than even you were.

“I may have studied your armor so I would know just how to get it off you.”

“How often have you thought of doing this?”

“I’m not sure they make numbers that large.”

You bit your bottom lip and giggled as he unhooked the rest. You went to start on his but he stopped you.

“Please, cyare, let me do this. Let me take care of you.”

You hesitated before letting out a breathy response of okay. He moved to pull your gloves off and then your shirt. Once your skin was bare, he pulled his own gloves off and ran his hands up your sides with a groan.

“You’re so soft. Stars how are you so soft?”

He leaned forward and started peppering kisses down your neck and shoulders while his hands ran roughly up and down your sides. Eventually he wrapped one arm around you and pulled away from the wall, quickly moving to the bed where he set you down on your back. He pulled your pants off you leaving you completely bare below him. You were able to see his outline but with how dark it was it was absolutely impossible to see details beyond that.

“Why is it that I’m the only one with nothing on?”

“Is someone impatient?”

“Yes.”

He laughed and made quick work of his armor. You watched him as you moved further up the bed, getting comfortable. He unceremoniously removed his clothes and tossed them on the floor near his feet. Your heart started to race when he crawled up the bed and grabbed your hips. The surprised gasp that fell from your lips was embarrassing when he yanked you down, so you were directly below him.

“Tell me you don’t want this, and I’ll let you go right now.”

“That would make me an awful liar.”

He kissed you again as you ran your fingertips across his skin. His chest was littered with small scars and bumps from years of fighting. It was a start contrast from the way that he gently kissed you. The man had destroyed and killed for most of his life yet his hands were skilled in the way that they gently worked your flesh in them.

He trailed his kisses down your neck where he suckled the skin, absolutely leaving marks in his wake. You breathlessly moaned at the sensation and he groaned in response.

“Such beautiful noises for me, cyare. Stars this is better than any dream I possibly could have made up.”

He worked his way down, worshiping every inch of your skin that he could get to. When he pulled your pebbled nipple into his mouth you arched your body into his. He gripped your hips roughly and held you in place. Your hands shot to his head where you laced your fingers through his hair. He groaned against your sensitive skin when you gently tugged at his roots.

“Tell me what you want, mesh’la.”

“Oh stars. You. I want you.”

“Hmm, that isn’t very descriptive.”

You huffed in frustration and he chuckled. He slipped off of you, so he was laying at your side. You wined at the loss of contact but quickly silenced yourself when he kissed you deeply. He continued to kiss you as he ran his hand down your body until he was able to slip a single finger between your already soaked folds.

“Maker, cyare, you’re already so wet for me.”

You moaned against his lips and he started working your sensitive clip. He kept kissing you as he worked your body better than you possibly imagined it could be done. When he slid his hand down further and started to slip a single digit in you gasped at the way it stretched you.

“Maker, Paz.”

“Fuck you’re tight.”

He grabbed your hand closest to him and guided it down to his throbbing cock. You gasped again when you felt just how large he was.

“Uhm, how.. how is that even going to fit in me?”

He laughed and continued to push his finger in and out of you. When he pushed a second in you arched your back and moaned loudly.

“Am I hurting you?”

“No. Oh stars.”

He continued working you and you wrapped your hand around his shaft. He groaned when you did and picked up the pace that he was using on you slightly. He continued kissing and sucking at your neck as you felt your climax inching towards you. When he started rubbing his thumb against your clit you cried out soon after, hit hard by your orgasm.

“Fuck I need you, cyare. T-tell me to stop.”

“No. Please don’t stop Paz.”

“Come on, mesh’la. Tell me what you want. I need to know. I need to hear it from your pretty mouth. I want to hear you beg for me.”

You whimpered when he pulled his fingers from you, feeling suddenly empty. When he kissed you, you pushed him and climbed over, straddling his waist. When you placed your hands on his chest and sat up, he groaned and gripped your hips hard.

“Why is it me that has to beg? Maybe I want the great Paz Vizla begging for me.”

“Oh, is that what you want? You want me to beg you to fuck me? Beg you to sink that tight pussy down on my cock?”

“Yeah. I do.”

He hummed and pushed you down, making you grind along him. You gasped and grabbed his wrists. He chuckled and used your surprise to flip you both back over. You gasped again when your back hit the bed and he pressed his weight on you. He kissed you deeply, so you wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him further forward.

“Such a needy woman. Just tell me what you want, and you’ll have it. I’ll always do whatever I can to give you everything.”

You wanted to fight against him. You wanted to prolong the game and not give in. You didn’t want to submit; not yet. Something about the way his hands ran over your body and how he pressed into you dissolved any resolve you had to keep your submission at bay.

“I want you, Paz. Please. Show me how much you want me. Let me give you ever piece of me.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

He kissed you again, this time softer and passionately. One hand held the side of your face while the other reached between you. You felt him press against you as he continued to kiss you.

“Relax, mesh’la. It’s just me. You know me. You know I’d do anything to keep you safe.”

You moaned against him and he gently pushed into you. The stretch was slightly painful at first, so you appreciated the care he was taking. He pushed the entire way in, filling you in a way you never knew possible.

“Haar'chak, you are so tight.”

He braced himself on his forearms that he placed by your head. When he stared moving inside of you, there was no way you were stopping the moans from falling from your lips. Your entire thoughts were consumed with him and everything he was making you feel. You wanted to move your hips to meet his thrusts, but he was just too much. You were too full, and his body had your legs spread too far.

“Stars how I’ve dreamt of this. I’ve dreamt of you split open on my cock moaning for me.”

You cried out at a harder thrust when he hit just the right spot inside of you. Paz groaned and hooked one of your legs up higher. You felt tears start to well in your eyes at just how overwhelmed your body was. He had achieved the impossible by going further inside of you.

“Come on, cyare. Cum for me. Let me see what it feels like.”

He tilted back so he was on his knees, lifting your lower back up so he could continue to pound into you. He moved his thumb to your clit and worked it until you screamed out. When you clamped down on his he growled and moved quicker. You let your head fall back onto the bed as he mercilessly pounded into you.

“Where?”

“Inside. Fuck- implant. I have the implant.”

With three more strong thrusts he came hard inside of you. He stayed deeply seated inside of you until you felt him start to soften and he slipped out. You whimpered at the feeling and he chuckled as he flopped on the bed next to you.

“Fuck, Paz.”

“Already did.”

You laughed out trying to catch your breath.

“I guess now would be a weird time to ask if you have any diseases, right?”

You turned to where you knew he was and laughed again.

“Yeah that talk is usually before sex. But no. I have no diseases. We honestly should have had this entire talk long before now.”

“Oh well. Not a lesson I plan on needing.”

“Oh?”

“Nope.”

“Not planning on fucking anyone else within an inch of their life?”

He barked out a laugh and pulled you, so you were resting on him. You shivered when your sweaty skin started to cool off, so he yanked a blanket over both of you.

“No. You’re going to be my wife, mesh’la. I’m all in with you. Even if you didn’t have the exact body made to fit against mine.”

“Hmm. You sure know how to lay it on thick, Vizla.”

“Oh, I’m just starting. For now though, sleep would be nice.”

You nestled into his chest and sighed. For the first time in a long time your body felt relaxed and comfortable. Before long the sound of his snores filled the room and you smiled against his skin as sleep took you too.

---

Translations Haar'chak: damn it cayre: belovid ad’ika: little one, child vod’ika: little brother/sister cabur: protector/guardian

#paz vizsla #paz x female!reader #paz vizla x reader #paz x reader #the mandalorian #fanfic

155 notes · View notes

nohoney · 4 years ago

Text

Tell Me (When You’re Ready) - 4.1

notes: Part 4 of the Us Series also on ao3

Us Series Masterlist

warnings: 18+, drug use, polyamory, low key manipulation, toxic relationships, cheating

summary:

He’s never been involved with anyone else the way he’s been with you, you’re all he thinks about and wants to have. It’s more than just liking you, this instinct to care for you, this obsession and desire he feels over you, he calls it love, it must be love.

4.1 ✧ 4.2 ✧ 4.3 ✧ 4.4

At first glance, Touya didn’t really think much of you the first time he had seen you.

You were just another random party goer to him, one of many he saw whenever he attended those kinds of things, easier to just sell to his clientele if they conglomerated in these kinds of functions, though with the slightly older ones they have to blend in better since they’re technically crashing a house party. University students, upcoming freshmeat, recently graduated alumni and some of their plus ones or more, it’s so easy to tell who the veterans are versus the greenhorns.

The ones who can hold themselves together versus the ones that need to be carried, the ones who can hold there liquor versus the ones that need to be babysat, the strong versus the weak.

And you were that in between, walking around cross faded with eyes that looked lost in space but when someone put a hand on your shoulder then you would come back to earth, but not with your feet touching the ground. Like your feet just barely skimming the surface but still wanting to float in the sky, streaming through a pleasant haze just a bit longer until the high ends and you’ll have no choice until it’s time to walk amongst the animals again.

You sat on the couch with a few girls, talking amongst themselves and no doubt grouped together to protect one another from the predators; who could resist drunk and weak girls, especially the ones who looked the most broken. The eyes of the boys on your group and hoping to try to break into the circle and pick off the weakest to break away the pack. They get especially eager when the group wants to drink more, but you and two friends decide to go outside to smoke a joint instead.

“I’m drunk, I need’a go outside.”

The first words he ever heard you say, though not the first he’s heard but it sounded cute the way you slurred them out.

His eyes followed you briefly, holding hands with a friend as you made your way to get to the outside for a smoke.

“Yo Dabi! Good to see you man!”

He passed discreet little baggies, pink and blue tablets, little pills, he always gets a pat on the back from the boys and winks from the girls.

The girls like him, more than a few offering a little something extra when he makes a successful sale. Two of his whores are at this party, the decent flings he goes back to every so often when he wants to get his dick wet and when they want his goods.

Good dick and good drugs, it’s nice to get a two for one sale.

The second time he sees you at the party, he’s just leaving a room and fixing his belt while you sit at the top of the stairs with a friend. You and your friend are engrossed in your conversation, more than likely a similar talk happening somewhere inside the house party because you talked about your regrets of the way you and your ex broke it off, just more drunk girl talk. “It was so… so fuckin’ stupid dude, I was drunk and he showed up. We fucked but whe’ I woke up the next day, I fuckin’ left and just didn’t talk to him again.”

The second thing he ever heard you say but Touya literally passed by three girls half an hour ago that had a similar conversation, yours was nothing special.

Touya always denies drinks, offers of lines and other things when he goes to these kinds of functions, he needs a clear mind when he deals. He’s not dumb as fuck when he’s high or when he’s on, he can handle himself quite well and could sell just as well even if he were, he just doesn’t want to be relaxed around people that he doesn’t know that well or trust. It would have been nice if Keigo tagged along but the fucker’s Adderall hadn’t worn off in time to accompany him. Keigo gives him a good break from the others, kinda resets him and then he goes back to his business.

But Keigo isn’t around so Touya settles for plowing girls in random rooms of the house to give him a brief recess and then he’s back out there.

The third time he sees you, you’re leaning against the body of a young man just a little taller than Touya but nothing in the way he holds you shows that he has any ill intentions towards you. It feels rare sometimes to see two people having a platonic friendship, especially between two people of the opposite sex. Touya’s already sold your friend whatever he wanted but sticks around to make conversation, though it’s an excuse because he can’t help but note the way you’re being held in your friend’s arms. He tries to not make it obvious as he talks but truthfully, Touya wanted to just look at you. It’s obvious that there’s nothing romantic in the way your friend holds you but for some reason, it doesn’t sit well with him.

Even with his eyes up on your friend, he can see how you cling to your friend’s body with your arms wrapped around him so securely and with so much trust. Touya notes how you’re practically purring as your friend pets your head, sometimes massaging the tips of his fingertips against your scalp and then rubbing your shoulder in comfort. And he can see how you peeked up at him a few times, your curious eyes on him but Touya recognizes the cloudy way you look up at him. It’s not out of interest in the way you looked at him but probably just wondering why he was around.

Eventually you stop looking at him and choose to shut your eyes, concentrating on your friend petting your head instead.

“You want to try anything (Name)? Dabi’s got the best shit I’ve ever had, pretty fucking primo.” your friend had offered but you shook your head and said no. And goddamn if it wasn’t the cutest no that Touya’s ever heard in his life, the third thing he's ever heard you say. “Girl’s been pretty curious about wanting to try coke but she hasn’t worked up the nerve to actually give it a try. You know what, lemme buy a half off you too and maybe this’ll be the night that she finally gives it a try.”

Touya went home wondering if you lost your cocaine virginity that night.

That question wouldn’t be answered until a couple month’s later after you and him shared a philosophy class together. Touya remembered you very clearly but for some reason, his gut twists a little when you spoke to him the first time and it’s clear that you didn’t remember him from the party. He decides to forgive you for not remembering him because he feels like he can’t stay mad at you, not with that cute face you have.

But it’s just like at the party, you don’t seem particularly interested in him but Touya’s interested in you so he decides to seek you out more. He starts to crave your attention but he doesn’t want to look like a fool if it’s a one-sided attraction so he lays the charm on you, calls you pretty names that he’s never used on other girls. At first Touya thinks that you can just be girl number nine, hopefully another easy hole for him to use when he has an itch to scratch.

Now Touya’s fucked a lot of girls. He’s taken innocent girls virginities before and he’s had some pretty wild sex with the campus sluts, but there’s something different about you. You’re not a prude, not in the way you flirt back and insinuate wanting to take a seat on his face sometimes, but you’ve got some untouched parts of you that he wanted to lay a claim on. He’d show you new things and hold your hand over what you’d be too scared to do on your own or with others, he’ll watch over you. Imagine his giddiness the first time he ever cut lines of coke for you, it turned out that your cocaine virginity belonged to him this entire time.

"Oh... it's not that bad!"

You took that line so good, how about you take my cock next?

You tease him, playing coy one moment and then acting like nothing happened next.

And normally with bitches that do that shit with him for too long, Touya drops them pretty fast and moves on to the next. A little flirting and teasing is fine but he’s not looking to play a long term game with that kind of bullshit, it’s either happening or it’s not.

But with you it’s different.

You’re different.

Touya starts to obsess over you so slowly that he doesn’t even recognize it at first. All he knows is that he has to have you, he ghosts four of his whores in favor of being with you even though there wasn’t a guarantee that he would get in your pants. He just dropped the ones that he sought for sex only, the other half are still his clientele so he keeps those ones around, plus they're still decent lays. Keigo notices it, the way his friend talks over some girl that he hasn’t even fucked yet and letting go of four of his side whores has him thinking, ‘Wow, she must be something to get Touya’s attention this bad.’

The semester starts to come to an end and he still hasn’t bagged you yet, he calls you his doll but you haven’t let him play with you. He places one of his whores face down and ass up after she does a few lines, imagines that it’s you underneath him and what you might sound like and its your ass he’s grabbing. Touya can imagine it, you weak underneath him and begging for his cock but when the bitch under him whines out ‘Dabi’, he almost loses his boner. He tells her to shut the fuck up and bite the pillow, doesn’t want to hear her stupid sounds because he wants to envision you instead.

But even imagining you calling him Dabi feels wrong, Touya rolling off your pretty lips as he paints your insides white… it blows him over the edge.

In his mind that’s what he wants, but you don’t get the right to call him by his real name. He doesn’t know you like that so you’re just like everyone else for now, referring to him as Dabi. At some point he figures that this fixation he has on you will burn out soon. And yet Touya finds himself drawn further to you, wanting you more and more, doesn’t want you to wander too far away from him and wants to know who you’re with when he’s not by your side.

And he wanted to fuck you too, so fucking bad.

His first try was with a night cap at his place, the first time Touya ever had a girl over in his space. But it seems you know your limitation on alcohol and don’t let him pour you an extra drop, wanting to be able to drive yourself home and be in decent shape for your lectures. He smokes you up one day and it goes in a good direction, you were relaxed and sending him some good signals that lead to the two of you making out. It didn’t go further because he got a phone call from his mother that he couldn’t possibly ignore, but you thought ‘Oh a mama’s boy, that’s so sweet.’

It’s the third time that he finally gets you, playing music in his car that gets you in the mood and that gets you naked in his backseat. He doesn’t know what made you ready all of a sudden but he didn’t stop to ask as you fervently sucked him off. You were more riled up than him, so excited to get his dick and that eager look in your eye when you commanded him to blow your back out. And he sure did not disappoint, he never disappoints when it comes to his dick.

And a relationship persists forward to the surprise of both of you, liking each other more than you thought you would but there were no labels yet, Touya wasn’t used to having a girlfriend so he didn’t want to call you that at first and you weren’t sure if you wanted him to be your boyfriend. Neither of you really spoke about what you were to one another despite the attraction and the lazy build of emotions that neither of you were aware of in the beginning. All Touya knew was that he wanted you to be around him more and be waiting for him when he returned back to his apartment.

It’s difficult to say when mutual attraction turned into the of you catching feelings for one another. You and Touya were hooking up for a couple of weeks after the end of the semester of the one class you shared together, and while he was aware that you were a little disgruntled at him fucking the girls he sells to, he didn’t think it was that big of a deal at the time. Didn’t he make it obvious that you’re different from them and that he only cared about you? So what if he got his dick wet from other girls aside from you? He’d been doing it before he started seeing you but he always came back to you afterwards, so why were you so pissed?

“It’s just business doll.”

It wasn’t official between the two of you yet so there wasn’t much you could say at the time. You just figured that if Touya liked you so much then he would stop and Touya figured that since you liked him just as much then you would understand.

But Touya remembers that night when he left to go sell at another house party, trying to spend time with you before he had to leave but you wouldn’t let him. He knew you were mad again because he just came back from selling to one of his whores which meant that, ‘Yes, she offered her pussy when I got there so we fucked.’ He honestly did not understand where your jealousy was coming from. You were there, sitting in his apartment and spending nights in his bed, he was doing shit with you that he’d never done with anyone else and you were still getting mad at him.

How did you not get that you were different from the rest of them?

But Touya wasn’t going to put more effort into making you feel better when you didn’t want to be cheered up, so he left to do his usual thing.

And when he came back to his apartment earlier than expected, which was only one in the morning, he found that your car was not in the guest parking and therefore you were not waiting for him inside his home. He tried ringing you to find out if you went back to your place but it went straight to voicemail so he goes to your home in hopes that you would have been there instead. But you’re not there when he arrives and you don’t answer his texts and phone calls still don’t go through."Fucking bitch! Where the hell are you?"

Touya can stay up until three in the morning at most if he’s not on anything but that night was the only night he had ever stayed up by just being angry alone. He was riled up and emotions all over the place, hands shaking so bad that he needed to punch something, almost considered putting his fist through his wall. He was fucking furious because he knows immediately that you went out to be with someone else, went to get fucked by some scum because you wanted to be a vindictive little cunt about what happened earlier.

He had practically barged into Keigo’s place and shook him awake in his bed because he didn’t know who to turn to.

“She’s out getting fucked. I fucking know she is!”

“Wha-? Touya…” Keigo groggily sat up in his bed and brushed off Touya's hands off his shoulders, blonde hair a mess from tossing and turning but he gives his friend his undivided attention. He hadn’t met you yet, had only seen pictures and nudes of you that Touya shared with him, but he’s pretty shocked over how outraged Touya is. He’d never seen his friend get so worked up over one girl before, so it speaks volumes to him to see Touya so unhinged. “What makes you say that? Maybe she’s out with friends or something. Just because she’s not back in her place doesn’t mean that she’s getting with another dude.”

But Touya’s gut said otherwise and he insisted that it was right.

“Okay man, I’m going to put some things in perspective for you. I don’t know this girl but it’s obvious that you’re into her… like a lot, but I can’t really blame her for going out to be with someone else if that’s what she’s doing right now. She can still go do what she wants just as much as you can. If you guys haven’t defined what you are to one another, especially with how you operate, then you don’t have much of a right to be telling her what to do.”

Touya was livid when you returned to your apartment, angry that you had the audacity to be so spiteful with him and furious at the thought of you underneath someone that wasn’t him. It fucking hurt him because he didn’t fuck the whores to make you angry, they didn’t mean anything to him compared to you. But in the aftermath of hatefucking turning into lovemaking, he still mulled over Keigo’s advice, deciding that maybe it would make you happy to call you his girlfriend if it meant that you wouldn’t go behind his back again. You're his favorite, his number one, his only one, if reassuring is what he has to do then he'll put up with it as long as he doesn't have to say it too often. And fine, if it really bugged you that much then he decided to make it fair by giving you permission to sleep with who you wanted provided that you always came back to him the same that he did with you.

Except that after he put it out there, he immediately regretted putting the offer out but knew that a fight would surely begin if he decided to take it back. Once again the thought of you being with someone else had got his teeth grinding and gave him anxiety. You’re his fucking girl, his precious doll that deserved to be put on a throne and be given whatever you wanted. Touya wanted nothing more than to protect you from assholes who didn’t appreciate you like your dumbass ex-boyfriend.

“(Name)’s really great, I’m glad the two of you are together. Though are you sure you’re okay with her seeing other guys too? I know you said it to be fair to her but I see you get bent out of shape if she’s even around just one of her guy friends.” Keigo puffed on cigarette, tapping some of the excess ash off the tip before returning the filter to his lips. “You really going to be okay if she decides to get picked up by another dude?”

Touya let out a frustrated sigh as he lit his third cigarette in a row; you’d be pissed if you found out but he was fortunate that you would be out for a few hours so he had time to clean away the evidence. “They’re gonna treat her like shit, I know the assholes out there would but if I take it back, she’s going to get pissed. She didn’t even fucking apologize for fucking someone else behind my back. I don’t want her to be used by someone else, she’s not a whore.”

“Correction, you mean she’s your whore.”

The only one who understood his way of thinking was Keigo.

There’s a night where you sleep in your own apartment while Touya and Keigo sit outside your complex, leaning against his car and just looking at the balcony that they know is attached to your place. A six pack of beer sits on the hood of the car, two slots empty as they each hold a bottle in their hand. Keigo quietly admits to him, “I think I might like (Name) Touya. Like I think I like her a lot, more than just wanting to fuck her and more than just as a friend.”

Touya quietly takes in Keigo’s confession and just nods his head, still looking up at your balcony and hoping that you’re sleeping well. He’s never been involved with anyone else the way he’s been with you, you’re all he thinks about and wants to have. It’s more than just liking you, this instinct to care for you, this obsession and desire he feels over you, he calls it love, it must be love. He hesitantly admits back, “… I think I love her.”

“Wow…”

“Yeah, wow…”

“You really think you love her?” Keigo asked after polishing off his first beer. “What about that whole arrangement thing? If you tell her you love her, she might question you since, you know, you’re still fucking other girls. If you love her then she’ll expect you to be monogamous with her.”

“If she still takes me up on that arrangement, I don’t think I can handle it. Only people who love her should be allowed to fuck her.” In other words, only he should be the only one to have you. No one else loves you like Touya does, he’ll fucking kill any asshole that thinks they can use you as their fucktoy. When Keigo asks again about the other girls, he growls at him and tosses his bottle onto the concrete. “I’m fucking working on that, alright. I just… don’t know how to fucking commit. It’s too fucking hard to do this by myself.”

Keigo just pops the cap off another bottle and hands it to Touya. “Would it help if I joined the relationship? I’m sure we can work something out with (Name), provided she’s willing.”

Touya would observe you and Keigo together, you oblivious to his friend’s flirtations at times and mistaking it as him just being very friendly. He could see golden eyes wandering down your body, already knowing what you looked like without any clothes and how pretty you look when you’re gagging on a dick because Touya’s shown him your nudes and recorded videos of you. Keigo can try to hide and put up a front that he’s just lusting over you but Touya can see that his friend has got that little lovestruck glint in his eyes when he looks at you; and honestly, he’s not even upset about it. The vision of you and Keigo together, it makes him comfortable rather than the anxiety he feels when he thinks about you with someone else. They obsess over you together, you blissfully unaware of how tortured Keigo was sometimes that he couldn’t plow his cock into you because you saw him as just a friend.

So he takes up Keigo's offer.

He was hoping that the transition to introduce Keigo into the relationship would go smoother, but it only comes up after a fight when he brings you with him to a house party for the first time.

God, Touya didn’t mean what he said to you that night when you and Keigo rolled together; he was just frustrated because he didn’t know what he could do to show you that you meant more to him than you knew. No matter how much he reassured you, you kept on letting your stupid insecurities get in the way!

“C’mon man, one minute you’re telling me you love her and now all of a sudden you’re breaking up with her?” Keigo scolds him, unaware that you leave the both of them behind and duck into the house.

“I’m not trying to break up with her! I’m just— fuck, she just doesn’t get that… fuck!”

He’s at a loss of words, he doesn’t want to be mad at you but you couldn’t get over your hangups over the side whores. They weren’t his other girlfriends, not his side bitches, or anything like that. Touya literally only sees them for probably twenty minutes max on the occasion they hit him up, nothing compared to all the time dedicated to you. They can claw at his dick however much they want, that’s all they want from him anyway aside from the pills and powders he sells to them. If it gets them to shut up then fine, but Touya will never spend a second longer with them when he’s finished using them. He doesn’t give a fuck if they whine about not cumming, he never promised them an orgasm when he gives the whores his cock.

He obsesses over you, not them; he cares for you, not them; he only wants you, not them.

Stop being jealous, it's just you!

Keigo finally talks him down but they realize that you’re not around.

Touya searches the outside perimeter of the house while Keigo searches inside. You’re rolling, barely able to take care of yourself and they have no idea where you are. All the worst case scenarios run through his head like you wandering into the night and getting kidnapped, hit by a car while walking down the road, he wonders if you’re still at the house and possibly getting raped because you can’t fight back if someone forces themselves on you. He drives himself crazy with his own imagination and you won’t answer your fucking phone!

To his relief Keigo informs him that he found you locked inside one of the bedrooms, having mixed cocaine, ecstasy, and alcohol because you were upset about what happened. He’s a veteran, Touya’s mixed plenty of times within his boundaries of tolerance but you’ve never done it before so he worries instantly for your wellbeing. The only thing that he can think of what to do to help you is to bring you a fresh bottle of water, you’re probably dehydrated as hell.

He feels awkward as hell when he arrives to the room, standing off to the side as Keigo fusses over you. He’s able to comfort you with the right words in your state of mind, adding in kisses and sweet caresses to your body to help calm you, something that Touya feels unable to do at the moment. But Keigo fixes you up and nods for him to approach you, a little hurt that you whine for Keigo to stay.

But he has to admit his mistake, that he should have been more attentive to you when he brought you with him, even if he trusted Keigo to look over you the entire time. You’re upset, of course you’re upset with him, and he doesn’t want you to be mad at him anymore. So he decides to give you a right he should have bestowed to you a long time ago, you’re not allowed to call him Dabi anymore. It’s the only way he knows to make it up to you and show you that you’re important to him.

Don’t be mad at me anymore babydoll, I’m yours.

You’re a stubborn little thing at first, still insisting on calling him Dabi but he made you come around. His name falling from your lips just sounds so perfect, it sounds right as you choke up on pleasure and come undone with a scream of his name.

Touya imagines that night you went behind his back because you were mad at him, freezing for just a quick moment that you would do the same thing the next time you became angry with him, except now he had given you full permission. You hadn’t taken advantage of the arrangement and didn’t seek anyone out so far, he’s thankful for that, but he has to lock down Keigo into the relationship so that he can secure you.

Touya literally walked out of the house earlier to find you and Keigo making out, surely you can’t believe you can do that on ecstasy and still believe that everything is platonic. He has to put the truth out there, you deserve to know it, no one else would treat you so good like they would.

“He thinks you’re adorable. I talk about your pussy all the time with him. How fucking cute it is, how tight it gets when you get choked, and when you cum all over yourself. He wants to fuck you open so bad.”

“Touya, don’t say that! He’s just a friend!”

“A friend who wants to fuck you.”

He probably could have been more eloquent with his words but he gets his point across to you regardless.

“I gave you permission to fuck who you want doll, Keigo is not the worst person you could choose. In fact, I’d like it if he were the one to keep you warm for me.”

And he can see how realization hits you, Keigo further supporting the claim by coming onto you as well. What you used to perceive his actions as friendly, you thought otherwise now. It’s a truth that you can’t unlearn now that he’s put it out there, but he hopes that you fucking take the bait. If you reject Keigo coming into the relationship, he truly won’t be able to handle the possibility of you seeking someone else out.

He’d fucking go crazy.

That is not an exaggeration.

Everything goes smoothly though, you returning hand in hand with Keigo with that cute, embarrassed look on your face when you asked where the ‘proper threesome’ should take place. He doesn’t know what Keigo said to you or what you said to him in order to reach the desired conclusion but he doesn’t care, it doesn’t matter because he got what he wanted.

You’re right where Touya wants you.

It feels good to know that when he’s out, Keigo is there to be with you in his place.

Everything feels perfect when he’s with you, he won’t lose you to anyone, you’re so fucking good for him, so fucking loyal to him and Keigo that even when you have your own doubts, you fall in line with what he wants anyway. He knows what’s best for you, what you need and what you don’t need. You don’t have to worry about anything because you’re watched over and cared for. He cares for you all the time like when you’re drunk, high, rolling, cross faded, sick, depressed, and everything in between.

But admittedly there are moments when his own anxiety gets the best of him, sometimes Touya looks at you and suddenly wants to run to the hills. He pops a few oxys to try to calm him down sometimes but they’re not always effective. When the pills don’t help, he hopes one of the whores hits him up to ask for a pill or a baggy and he can pretend that he’s living his old life before you came along because that’s what he’s most familiar with. He thinks you’re too good to be true at times and he follows the instinct to self sabotage by still returning to the whores. And every single time without fail when he returns to you, he feels his chest constrict as soon as you’re in his sights.

It’s no secret to you when he goes out to see them, he comes back smelling like artificial fruit or sweet candy, and he sees how you bristle when he tries to come near you. You’re angry at him but choose to remain silent because it’s an argument that’s long exhausted, he feels guilty that he still can’t commit himself to you fully but swears that one day it will happen. One day he’ll defeat that monster inside him that tempts him to ruin everything he’s built with you. But until then, Touya wants to make it up to you every single time. Food and drinks are an easy way to placate you but his favorite is when you agree to house roll with him because no matter what you end up gravitating to him during the roll and lean on him during your come down.

Sensual make outs while on ecstasy when you’ve reached the peak and then comfortable silence during the come down as you wallow together in a brief period of depression, it’s when he feels the closest to you.

And you don’t know this because he hasn’t been ready to say anything, but he’s already told you that he loves you.

The first time he says it, it’s past the six month mark of the relationship and just a little after Keigo is inducted into it as well. Nothing special in particular had happened to make him say it, you went to bed early because you stayed up way too late the night before and you just needed the extra hours of rest. He smoked a joint to relax, hopped in the shower to clean up, and he tip toed quietly in the room to make sure he didn’t disturb you. You barely flinched as he turned on the light in the room, unaware at how much Touya stared down at you as you slept. He took in your features and marvels at how peaceful you look when you’re asleep.

“I love you.” he says for the first time to you out loud.

You shift a little and emit a quiet, nondescript sound and he panics briefly that you might have heard him. Relief floods through him as you simply mumble and nuzzle the pillow, continuing to rest and none the wiser to the confession that Touya spoke into the air. But a weight is off his shoulders as he climbs into bed with you and is ready to sleep alongside you.

So he tells you he loves you when he knows you can’t hear him like when you’re deep in slumber, when you have your headphones on and just blast your music, or just right when you walk out the door after kissing him goodbye. He’s brave enough in those moments to say it but not brave enough to actually tell you just yet.

There’s one night where he thought you were going to say it first, and if that was the case then Touya would happily reciprocate it back.

You were hanging onto him for dear life as Touya rammed his cock into you, your hands clutching his shoulders and the back of your head digging into the mattress with your back arched off the bed. Touya had been mean to you all night by edging you, pulling out just as you’re about ready to burst and relishes in your desperate cries. You promise him you’ll do anything he wants but please please please, don’t just leave you like this. It’s only when you’re at your most desperate that Touya decided to give you the orgasm he’d been denying you.

“Such a desperate fucking whore. Were you thinking about my cock the entire day you were out?” Touya growled into your neck before nipping down on a sensitive spot as he jackhammers his dick into your pussy. “You were fucking drenched in your panties when you walked through that door. You love my dick so much that you think about it all the time huh?”

Your hands clutch onto his shoulders and Touya’s hips move to fuck you until you pass out from cumming so hard. You’ve been fucked stupid plenty of times and you just blearily look up at him as he utterly uses you to his satisfaction. There are plentiful memories of when you’ve told him you loved his dick in the frenzy of the moment, nothing but praises for his cock and how good he rams it in and out of you. It’s so fucking cute when you’re dick drunk and you slur out all your words. But Touya swears that you say it a little bit differently, straining his ears to make sure he heard you right. His hips don’t falter in their pace but he wants to know that he’s hearing what he thinks he’s hearing.

“I love… it…. cock… I love… yo…” shaky breaths leave your lips, shuddering gasps as your whole body trembles at what is sure to be an earth shattering orgasm. “S’fucking good… love ih… Love… yo— ahhh!”

Your whole body tenses and your back arches off the bed as high as your body allows, toes curling as you cum all over Touya’s cock and he cums alongside you. But even in the wreckage of your orgasm, you’re still choking out those breathless words that he was straining to comprehend just a few seconds ago. He wanted you to enunciate more, he should have slapped your cheek and made you speak clearly otherwise he would edge you again but the idea comes much too late now that you’re a boneless, brain fucked mess beneath him with his cum leaking out of you.

He fucked you too good, you’re asleep within seconds after Touya pulls out of your pussy and he’s a little disappointed that he couldn’t draw those words out of you.

Turquoise blue eyes look down at you, so vulnerable and pretty right before him. You look perfect and so comfortable in his bed that for a few seconds he’s inconceivably happy. You’re completely unaware of the power you have over him, how easily you could kill him without even trying. He’ll break if you leave him and he’ll break you if you try to leave him.

Don’t leave me.

You stay curled up in the bed and snuggled into his pillow even though you have your own on your side of the bed. A few minutes have passed and Touya thinks it’s safe to say it again, confess his heart into the silence of the room and while you’re unconscious to avoid being vulnerable; he’s just not ready yet. It would make his life so much easier if you said it first out loud but he also thinks that it would make you really happy if he were to say it first.

He knows you’ll be happy once the words are put out there, whether he says it first or you do.

Until then, he says it quietly and in the safety of his room while you rest peacefully.

“I love you.”

#dabi x reader #todoroki touya x reader #todoroki touya #dabi #bnha x reader #bnha #tw drugs #tw toxic relationship #us series

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nebraska-is-a-myth · 4 years ago

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innocence never lasts - crime au

I’m back boys with another part, were getting closer to war time now dudes. This takes place before part 3 just if you wanted to get a better understanding of the timeline.

part 1 & 2 & 5

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Wilbur came to town on an invitation from the masked man himself

Dream had enticed the brit with promises of riches and power, and he already had connections within the city so really what had he to lose

Wilbur was supplied with a small team, he was in charge of one of the larger drug trades and production companies on the east side of the city. His job was to eliminate any competition and regain complete control of the eastern drug exchange, how he did that was completely up to him.

However, when dream sent a duo of teenage criminals to his door, Wilbur was less than impressed

“Dream, how do you expect me to run a drug cartel when two thirds of the cartel are fucking children”

“You'll figure it out dude, I believe in you.”

“No this isn't an ‘I believe in you’ situation dream, they aren't even allowed to drink in this country let alone kill a bunch of drug lords that by the way, are probably predators!”

“Admittedly, yes, they are a little young. But Tommy is one of the best kids I know, everything he knows he either learnt from me or the blood god himself.”

“Wait?” Wilbur moves his eye in front of the peep hole in his front door to inspect the blond on the right. “This Kid is technos?” He watches him pull a face at the shorter boy before punching him in the arm.

“Yup.”

“And you're okay with that?”

“It's a long story but yes.”

Wilbur looks back through the peephole at the smaller of the two and distantly hears “What if we just stab him” through the thin wood of his door. The older brit shakes his head and turns back into his living room

“And who's the kid threatening to stab me”

“Friend of Tommy's, I think. And don't worry about the stabbing, it's probably his way of saying he likes you or something.”

“If any of these kids die it's on you green man.”

“I can live with that.”

When Wilbur opens the door again, Tommy has his head in his hands and sighs as Tubbo puts a knife to his throat.

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It's a week in and Wilbur has considered shooting the both of them more than he would like to admit.

He's not really one for killing children, but he's not a fan of being outnumbered by the little fuckers. So to make it even he calls up some of his contacts in the city.

He almost regrets it immediately when Tommy asks who the furry is

Wilbur tries to hide his laugh when the blond boy says this, but in the child's defense, Who the fuck wears a fox mask

Fundy and Eret get along fine after their first meeting and Wilbur is just happy he doesn't have to sit around and listen to Tommy and Tubbo argue over who can fit more breadsticks in their mouth without breaking any on his own anymore.

The drug business continues under Wilbur's power and surprisingly, no one dies. They take down competitors and pump out more and more supplies to companies that are willing to pay higher prices than ever. He hates to say it, but maybe he's glad he took this job from Dream

That is until Tommy almost punches his front door down at 1am covered in smoke and blood, Tubbo barely breathing on the porch next to him.

Wilbur panics and shoves the both of them in the back seats of his car, instructing a shaken Tommy to put pressure on Tubbos wounds as he floors it to the nearest hospital. He can deal with the repercussions of running red lights after he comes up with a plan to get through the hospital without being noticed. Sure maybe Wilbur wasn't on anyone's radar yet, but Tommy definitely was, and who knows how many people Tubbo has actually stabbed.

Dream has to have some sort of protocol for something like this, a secret entrance or a codeword or something. He reaches to grab his phone from his jean pocket and swears as he realizes he left it on charge on his night stand, looks like he's on his own for this one. He can do this, just focus and fucking drive Wilbur

When he gets to the hospital he parks right out front in a place where he definitely isn't supposed to be and helps Tommy and Tubbo out of the car and practically has to carry the brunet through the front doors. As soon as he walks in he knows people know, they've been on the news more than once and it's not difficult to keep up with the city's most wanted list these days, but Tommy's limping now and he knows the adrenaline is wearing off so he drags tubbos bleeding body up to the front desk and swallows his pride.

“Help them, please.”

The woman at the front desk looks Wilbur directly in the eyes, sees the way tears are building there and switches her gaze between the two younger boys.

“Please.”

The woman takes a breath and nods. “We need help here.”

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A few hours later when both boys are patched up and on the mend the doctor lets him in the room. Tubbo is out and hopped up on pain meds, recovering from smoke inhalation and a shrapnel wound on his left side. Doc said it looked worse than it is, he was only out to let his chest ease up a little. Tommy's wounds on the other hand were a little more permanent.

He’s sat on the bed next to Tuboos watching his chest rise and fall. There were bandages wrapping around his left leg, a mix of shrapnel and soft burn marks underneath, and his right arm is in a sling meaning he wouldn't be able walk on his own for a while. Wilbur sits next to him but Tommy doesn't stop watching Tubbos breathing.

“They almost put him on a ventilator.”

Tommy says it so softly, Wilbur almost doesn't recognize it was him at first. He's got a few stitches on his forehead where a purpling bruise blooms underneath, he almost doesn't want to know what happened. Almost.

“What happened Tommy.”

“What, not even gonna compliment my wheels.” He gestures to the right where Wilbur sees a small black wheelchair next to Tommy's bed and he tries not to choke on his breath. He hates being right sometimes.

Tommy sighs and closes his eyes, his head droops and Wilbur rests a comforting hand on the young boy's shoulder.

“It was one of the warehouses on the outer perimeter of the east side, Tubbo had asked me to help him take stock, it was already late and he thought if we both did it we could catch the last bus home together.”

He imagines the two of them dancing to stupid music and running around the warehouse playing tag or something stupid, it wouldn't be the first time.

“We weren't even halfway done before one of the alarms went off, didn't think much of it, smoke alarms go off all the time for stupid shit right. Didn't even reach the office before the first blast. Was a Molotov I think, probably what set the alarms off, no idea what turned the warehouse into a fucking bomb though.”

“Something exploded, don't know what but it got both of us. Landed on my shoulder real good. We ran to the back entrance, or as close as we could get before another blast went off, fucking ceiling came down on me. Hurt like a bitch but at least it's nothing permanent. Think I was out for a bit, not for long but long enough for Tubbo to hurt himself trying to get shit off me. ‘Rest is a bit of a blur to be honest, don't remember much between getting hit and ending up at your door.”

Wilbur takes a deep breath and shakes his head, it's not gunna help anyone if he starts getting emotional right now.

“Who would have done this.”

“That's the thing, I got a call about two minit's before the alarm went off from the master arsonist himself asking where I was. He never calls me will, not once. I didn't even know he had my fucking phone number.”

“Wait, why would sapnap want to blow up one of our warehouses.”

“I don't know, but Will, I lied. He asked if were were out on any jobs and I fucking lied I don't know why but I told him me and Tubbo were playing fucking video games at home, and not two minits later the place where I told him we weren't goes up in fucking flames.”

Wilbur sits in silence and looks between the two injured boys. He can't help but feel fury building in his chest, he doesn't care about the thousands of dollars lost in the fire, couldn't give less of a shit about Dreams fucking money. He’s angry that two teenage boys had been ambushed in an attack at a warehouse that his employer had promised were protected. God only knows what would have happened if Wilbur hadn't been home. He tries not to think about what would have happened if Tommy hadn't been there either, he stands and tries to get the image of Tubbo being trapped in that warehouse out of his head.

He grinds his teeth together in confusion and anger hopes to god Tommy's wrong.

“Where are you going.”

Tommy looks up and meets Wilbur's eyes, the young boy sees the fury burning in them, he knows the older brit is mad and to be honest, he doesn't blame him. He watches Wilbur walk round to Tubbos bedside and picks up his cracked phone, he doesn't mention the way he’s sees Wilbur's hands shake.

“Ill be back okay, I've got a phone call to make.”

#sorry for the angst guys #it only gets worse from here #this is supposed to resemble the bit where tubbos house is burnt down #its war time soon #tubbolive #tommyinnit #wilbur soot #dream team #dreamwastaken #sapnap #arson #dreamteam #mcyters #crime au #eret #fundy

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victorluvsalice · 3 years ago

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Sims Challenge Wednesday: Vampire The Masquerade Bloodlines!

Hi all! We’re putting the usual Newcrest Adventures updates on pause for a week because I recently finished a little project I’ve been working on for a little while now -- doing Sims 4 challenges for two of my other favorite video games, Vampire: the Masquerade -- Bloodlines and Fallout 4! Yes, I’ve mentioned wanting to do this before on the blog, and now, finally, I’ve completed the initial drafts of each challenge! And I figured, who better to share them with than all of you. :) So let’s start off with the VTMB challenge!

(Oh, and note -- yeah, I just saw in the tags that someone’s actually come up with a VTMB-inspired Legacy challenge for The Sims 4. Mine’s a completely different one-generation challenge, but I am intrigued to see what’s going on with the Legacy version!)

VTMB SIMS 4 CHALLENGE

Premise: It all started out so well – a night out at the clubs, a flirtatious wink across the dance floor, a trip back to a seedy hotel room to get it on with your new partner. . .and then suddenly, in a mix of pain and pleasure, you find yourself lacking a heartbeat. And then some other people storm in, and you find out that:

A) you have been changed into a vampire

B) the person who changed you did not have permission to change you into a vampire

Your “sire” is put to death for disobeying the laws of the vampire underworld – but the rulers of your local city decide that you can be allowed to live. So long as you run a bunch of errands for them, of course. . .your only way out? Make some allies, make some money, gain a ton of power, and keep your head down until you can kick every one of these people’s asses personally. That is, if you (un)live that long. . .

This is a challenge loosely inspired by the experience of being the Fledgling PC in the video game Vampire: the Masquerade – Bloodlines. The goals are to become a Grand Master Vampire, graduate from a shitty apartment to a decent one, and defeat a bunch of other vampires in duels to prove yourself.

Packs required: Vampires, Get Together, City Living, Eco Lifestyle, Island Living, Cats & Dogs/Cottage Living

Your Sim: Create your “Fledgling” in CAS. Your Fledgling should be a Young Adult. You may start them out as a vampire to start the challenge immediately, or start them as a human, make a sire for them, then have them changed in-game to gain a few days to build skills and enjoy sunlight. (Remember that the sire must be killed after your Fledgling starts their change! I recommend locking them outside in the sunlight.) The challenge starts the moment the Sim transforms fully into a vampire.

Each Fledgling vampire in Bloodlines belongs to one of seven clans – Brujah (clan of rebels and brawlers), Gangrel (clan of loners and animal lovers), Malkavian (clan of mentally ill people and oracles), Nosferatu (clan of warped looks and computer specialists), Toreador (clan of lovers and artistes), Tremere (clan of magicians and scholars), or Venture (clan of leaders and those of rarefied tastes). Pick one clan for your Fledgling and assign them an appropriate personality trait –

Brujah – “Hot-Headed”

Gangrel – Either “Cat Lover,” “Dog Lover,” or “Animal Enthusiast”

Malkavian – “Erratic” (you may sub in a custom trait for mental illness if you have one)

Nosferatu – “Geek”

Toreador – Either “Art Lover” or “Music Lover”

Tremere – “Bookworm”

Ventrue – “Snob”

Optional: Also assign your Fledgling the “Kleptomaniac” trait as, in the original Bloodlines game, you do end up stealing a lot of stuff to sell to vendors for quick cash.

Optional: If you’re strictly following how vampires work in Bloodlines, leave your vampire’s Dark Form identical to their normal form except for their fangs (except if you’re playing a Nosferatu – then instead customize the Dark Form to look like their post-transformation Orlockian-self (think Straud’s Dark Form) and have the “regular” form be the disguise they wear around humans to fit in). However, if you really want to do a custom Dark Form, I’m not going to be the one to stop you.

Their World: Set up the rest of the save file according to the below guidelines:

Your fledgling must live in a terrible apartment in either San MyShuno or Evergreen Harbor. This apartment must have a low-quality bed, a low-quality kitchen, a small low-quality bathroom, a TV, and a desk with the cheapest laptop. It must also have at least the “Filthy” lot challenge. Upon moving there, set their starting money to $100 (this is the amount they got for expenses).

Make or download at least three or four other vampires (depending on if you want to use the premade Vladislaus Straud or not) and make sure that they live in nice apartments/houses and are at least Master rank (cheats are totally allowed for this). These vampires must all be part of the same club (your choice for the name), with one chosen as the leader – this is the club that “rules” over all the local vampires and is making sure your Fledgling doesn’t step out of line. Set them up to meet regularly either at one of their homes or at an appropriately-kicking nightclub. Club activities are at your discretion, though remember – if they’re in public, they shouldn’t break the Masquerade by showing off powers or drinking plasma!

Make one “Independent” vampire and set them up however you wish, though they must be at least Master rank as well. They may be important to your Fledgling later!

Make sure you have at least four nightclubs (obviously they don’t have to all be in the same world) for your Fledgling to visit on the regular.

Goals:

Your Fledgling is looking to complete the following:

Become a Grand Master vampire, with all the power and perks that entails

Complete the Master Vampire aspiration (they may work on other aspirations as well)

Earn at least $5,000 simoleons

Move into better digs (either a better apartment or their own house)

Defeat all the members of the ruling club of vampires in Vampiric Duels

Rules:

Your Fledgling is not allowed to get a normal job, as per the rules of the council. Your Fledgling is only allowed to earn money by selling items they have made or found (or swiped, if they have the right trait) to other Sims, or by doing Odd Jobs. Any Odd Jobs that your fledgling finds that come from the ruling council (that is, if you see their picture by the job description) must be prioritized.

Your Fledgling may drink from plasma packs both purchased and homemade, but cannot use plasma fruit while the challenge is ongoing. (This means no doing the Good Vampire aspiration until you’ve completed your goals!)

Your Fledgling may drink from Sims, but must not break the Masquerade in doing so. They must either isolate the Sim they choose to drink from and compel them for a drink; or they must isolate the Sim and flirt with them at least five times before asking for a drink (to make it seem like they’re asking to make out or woohoo instead of drink their plasma). Either way, they must not be seen feeding by other Sims. The Fledgling is allowed five slip-ups – after that, the challenge is failed and they are put to death.

Your Fledgling must get to know the ruling vampires – a friendly relationship, however, is very much not necessary. They are going to be battling them sooner or later for the right to live life on their own terms!

Your Fledgling must follow the rules of their clan when purchasing powers: All vampires may purchase the Garlic Immunity, Vampire Creation, and Child of the Moon powers. Brujah vampires may purchase the Detect Personality, Vampiric Strength, Vampiric Slumber, Supernatural Speed, and Influence Emotion powers. Gangrel vampires may purchase the Bat Form, Vampiric Strength, Vampiric Slumber, Dampened Emotions, and Beyond The Herd powers. Malkavian vampires may purchase the Cast Hallucination, Command, Irresistible Slumber, Deprive Needs, and Influence Emotion powers. Nosferatu vampires may purchase the Eternally Welcome, Vampiric Strength, Irresistible Slumber, Odorless, and Mist Form powers. Toreador vampires may purchase the Eternally Welcome, Vampiric Charm, Mesmerize, Supernatural Speed, and Influence Emotion powers. Tremere vampires may purchase the Occult Student, Command, Manipulate Life Spirit, Deprive Needs, and Immortal Pleasures powers. Ventrue vampires may purchase the Detect Personality, Command, Mesmerize, Dampened Emotions, and Beyond The Herd powers. No vampires may purchase the Sun Resistance or Tamed Thirst powers.

Your Fledgling must also follow the rules of their clan when it comes to weaknesses: All vampires must purchase the Withered Stomach weakness – human food is indigestible to them. Brujah vampires like to rebel and fight – they should get into a fight with another Sim at least once every three days. They may fight the ruling vampires, but it doesn’t count as “defeating” them until they do it in an official vampire duel. They are also encouraged to purchase the Sloppy Drinker or Insatiable Thirst weaknesses. Gangrel vampires prefer open spaces and animals to being around people – they should have at least one pet (probably a cat or dog, although if you think you can fit a chicken coop or animal shed into their final home. . .) and prioritize socializing with that pet over socializing with other Sims. They are also encouraged to purchase the Uncontrollable Hissing or Undead Aura weaknesses. Malkavian vampires must deal with their madness – they should indulge their whims as much as possible (no matter how little sense they make – hell, the less sense the better), and you’re encouraged to let them do their own thing as much as possible as well (full autonomy on, people!). They are also encouraged to purchase the Uncontrollable Hissing or Fitful Sleep weaknesses. Nosferatu vampires are all warped by their curse into visions of pure ugliness – they should stay in their Dark Form as much as possible and only “put on their human disguise” to go to a club – and even then, they can only “keep up the illusion” for four hours. Being seen on a community lot by a large group of mortals in your Dark Form is a Masquerade violation, so keep track of the time! They are also encouraged to purchase the Dayphobia or Undead Aura weaknesses. Toreador vampires are mesmerized easily by what they personally consider beautiful, and are also a little more sensitive to the fact that they’ve become undead monsters – they should spend as much money as they can on beautiful artwork for their homes every three days, and spend most of their time admiring lovely objects and/or Sims when they’re out and about. They are also encouraged to purchase the Guilty Drinker or Eternal Sadness weaknesses. Tremere vampires are insular and ill-trusted by other vampires, and are so focused on their scholarly pursuits they lack physical fitness – they should not bring any of their relationships with other vampires up above “Acquaintance” (barring the Independent, see below), and should not improve the Fitness skill (or any other physical sport-related skill) above 5. They are also encouraged to purchase the Sloppy Drinker or Dayphobia weaknesses. Ventrue vampires may only drink from certain kinds of people – they should pick a distinguishing feature (hair color, eye color, personality trait, etc) and then only drink from Sims with that trait. They may drink regular plasma packs, but cannot drink ones made from fish or frogs. They are also encouraged to purchase the Guilty Drinker or Insatiable Thirst weaknesses. Optional: Your Fledgling can take the Thin-Skinned weakness no matter their clan, but I actually wouldn’t recommend it – while it fits with the World of Darkness lore, your Fledgling is going to have to be active during the day for their Odd Jobs most likely. Basically, take that one at your own risk!

Your Fledgling may befriend your Independent vampire – in fact, this is encouraged, as the Independent vampire can teach them a new power! Upon becoming friends with the Independent vampire, your Fledgling may learn one “out-of-clan” power that does not conflict with any of their weaknesses.

Your Fledgling must visit a nightclub once every three days to socialize, dance, and generally pretend to be human. If they can find a way to make money at the club or discreetly feed, even better.

Your Fledgling must “officially” defeat all members of the ruling vampire club in Vampiric Duels in order to break their hold on their unlives. Once this is accomplished, they may get a Freelancer job or sell things direct from inventory instead of to other Sims to pay the bills, as they are no longer under the club’s thumb.

Optional Hard Mode – Four Factions: There’s not one club, there’s four – and none of them like each other! Make three extra clubs, each with at least four vampire members, to represent the four main factions of the original game – the Camarilla (the “official” vampire government, kind of stodgy), the Anarchs (rebellious and looking for more freedoms), the Sabbat (want to revel in their monstrous nature), and the Kuei-Jin (Asian “vampires” who are trying to take over the area; feel free to make them a different kind of occult altogether!). Your Fledgling may choose to join any one of these clubs, or none of them. If they join a club, they have to defeat the leaders plus one member of each of the other clubs in Vampiric Duels to earn their freedom; if they go Independent, they just have to take down all four leaders.

Optional Hard Mode – Limited Map: Your Fledgling can only travel between the worlds of Evergreen Harbor (Santa Monica), San MyShuno (Downtown L.A.), Del Sol Valley (Hollywood), and Mt. Komorebi (Chinatown – it’s the closest we’ve got, just stick to the more city-like neighborhood). Their initial bad apartment must be in Evergreen Harbor, and they must upgrade to one of the best apartments in San MyShuno.

Optional Hard Mode – The Sequel: Your Fledgling is actually the protagonist of the ever-in-production Bloodlines 2 – aka, they’re a Thin-Blood, and their Embrace was REALLY illegal. Adjust the rules as follows:

Thin-Bloods often don’t show signs of any clan, but they are generally hunted and killed just for existing. If you have StrangerVille, I would recommend the “Paranoid” personality trait, but otherwise, customize them as you see fit.

After buying their shitty apartment, you must set their starting funds to zero – they did not receive anything for expenses, because. . .

They’re not under the thumb of the ruling vampires, they’re on the run from them. To be caught is to be killed, so your Fledgling must avoid their notice. Do not attempt to interact with them before you’re powerful enough to take them on, and avoid any Odd Jobs that come from them. (They may still talk to the Independent vampire, who doesn’t care about the politics.)

Their lack of clan means they may choose from almost any of the available powers (aka, anything but Sun Resistance and Tamed Thirst), but must have double the points needed to buy them before they can purchase them (due to their weak vampire blood). They also cannot sire new vampires, so they cannot take Vampire Creation. Befriending the Independent vampire allows them to purchase one power for normal cost.

#sims 4 #vtmb #sims challenge #vtmb sims 4 challenge #I'm reasonably happy with how this one came out #it worked a lot better when I stopped trying to match specific Bloodlines disciplines to Sims 4 powers #and decided to go with 'what feels right for each clan'#please remember this is my initial draft #this hasn't been playtested or anything yet #please feel free to tweak and make adjustments and whatnot #make it so it's playable for you #it's supposed to be fun after all :)#and I think it captures the main thrust of the game pretty well!#also yes figures I'd finally get this done just as someone makes a VTMB Legacy #though I am very curious to see how that works!#queued

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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 4 years ago

Text

From Eden: Two

Warnings: noncon sexual acts, mentions of mental illness; tags to be added throughout series

This is dark!Bucky. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: The mc suffers from agoraphobia. After a new neighbour moves in across the street, her home becomes even more of a prison.

Note: Yo, so here’s part 2! I hope you all enjoy. As before, there is a transcript at the end for anyone having issues with the images.

Thank you so much for your patience! And support!!

As always, if you are so inclined, please like, reblog, and comment. <3

Transcript:

Sunday

I called Dr. Tisha this morning. I told her about the neighbour. She said it was nice of him to help with the garden but ignored me when I mentioned the broken gate. I don’t know if she believed me. It didn’t seem like it.

She’s coming by tomorrow to check on my progress. That means I can’t keep those magazines on the dining table anymore. The last time she made me throw half of them out. She didn’t listen when I told her some were so old they were priceless. Sometimes it feels like she doesn’t listen to me at all. Well, what do I pay her to do then?

I haven’t been back outside. I should water the garden as it’s only getting hotter but I don’t appreciate the unwanted audience. An intruder!

Later

I still haven’t found the courage to venture out. I made sure the bike lock was still in place from the front door. It is. Though, if that man’s metal hand could break the old lock, it will likely shred the chain lock.

Thinking about it makes my heart race. I should go lay down. I’m dizzy and the humidity is making me sick to my stomach. Or maybe it’s something else.

Monday

Dr. Tisha came by early today.

I showed Dr. Tisha where I kept my medicine in the bathroom cabinet, the pills divided into the days. I check off each day on the calendar so I don’t forget either. She said that was good. The last time she was here, it was because I’d stopped taking the pills so I hope this made her happy.

Then she walked through the house, she said she was happy to see the top of the table this time. I laughed but it wasn’t really funny. Then she went to the kitchen and checked all the drawers.

She found some books hidden under the sink and asked if I’d ever read them. I mean to but haven’t yet. She took them to the guest room where she found the bins of books stacked in the corner. Better than last time when they were a pile on the carpet.

She said I have too many things. Too many things that aren’t mine. She says it’s okay to be sad about grandma but that holding onto all her stuff won’t bring her back. Like I don’t know that! I do know! But she left me these things so yes, they are mine.

Then we went to grandma’s old room. It’s the same as it was. As it’s always been. Dr. Tisha frowned and went to my room next.

She asked me about the broken bed frame. I told her it was nothing. I made sure to replace the duvet I’d dragged out the couch to sleep without threat of rolling onto the floor in my sleep. Not that I sleep very much.

She opened my closet and found the magazines. That didn’t impress her either.

We had tea in the kitchen and talked. She asked me how I was feeling. About side effects and all that. Besides the occasional bout of nausea and vivid dreams, I’m fine. She agrees.

Then she asked about the tall shelf of vinyls in the living room. Which one is my favourite? I told her the old Vera Lynn record reminded me of grandma and it was still on the needle.

Then we argued. She wants me to get rid of the ones I don’t listen to. And the magazines in my closet! And she wants me to go through all the books, too.

She also suggested that I think about redecorating. I told her I didn’t want to do any of that. I like the house the way it is. Who is it hurting if I have a few extra books laying around?

She calmed me down after I raised my voice. She made me count my breaths and explained that I don’t have to get rid of everything, just a little. She says it would help with my progress. And, she said, I could probably make a healthy profit off a yard sale.

Well, I don’t care about the money, I don’t want to have a sale. I don’t want to deal with people and them thumbing through grandma’s thing for pennies.

Dr. Tisha said she’ll make some signs and we’ll have the sale on Saturday. My task for the week is to decide what to sell and prices. We argued again but not very long.

When she left, I started crying. Everywhere I look, I see grandma and this place is empty enough without her.

Tuesday

Lorena showed up today.

I gave her my list, it wasn’t very long. She asked about the bike lock and I asked if she could stop by the hardware store and get a new mechanism. She asked me if I even knew how to fix it. I said I’d figure it out.

I told her about Dr. Tisha’s idea for the yard sale. She said it was a great idea. I still don’t agree but she offered to help me sort through the guest room. I shrugged and asked her how long she’d be at the store. She said the usual and left.

I waited by the door. I watched the front gate for her return. She had the combination to the bike lock now and could let herself in. I just wanted her to come back and drop everything off so I could be alone.

When she did return, she wasn’t alone. I saw her at the gate, fumbling with the lock. As the gate shifted open, a metal arm reached past her to push it all the way. The man held a paper bag in his other arm as Lorena carried the other.

He was smiling as he spoke to her and let her pass. He followed her to the door and he saw me before I could back away from the slated window in the door.

“Open up,” Lorena called as she tapped the door.

I didn’t know what else to do but open the door. When I did she handed me her bag and reached for the one the man held.

“Sorry, but… I can’t let you inside.” She said glumly. “But thanks for the help.”

“No problem.” He glanced past her and I tried to hide behind her but he’s taller than her. He’s very big up close. “You have a great day. Both of you.”

“You, too.” Lorena said and he strode away.

When the gate clattered closed I waited until I was sure he was gone. I dropped my bag and rushed to check the lock. He’d secured it. Good.

I went back to the house and locked the door too. Lorena already had both bags on the table.

“He didn’t mean any harm,” She said as she unpacked the groceries. “He was just helping me so I figured--”

“You shouldn’t have let him in.” I told her.

“He was only in the yard. He didn’t come into the house.”

“I could have helped you.” I said.

“When’s the last time you went past the gate?” She asked as she pulled out a small plastic bag and slid it across to me. It was the new lock. “That should fit, if you can figure it out.”

“That’s not the point, Lor,” You slapped the table. “You let him into my space. A stranger!”

“He’s your neighbour. I’ve talked to Dr. Tisha and you know you’re supposed to be working on your socialising. This yard sale will be a good first step.”

“This yard sale is bull shit,” I was so angry I could have yelled. “I like being alone. I like it here. This is my home and these are my things!”

“Calm down.” She set down the carton of milk and neared me. “Look, I’m sorry. You’re right. I should’ve asked before I let him past the gate.”

I felt so tired. Suddenly weak, like the air had been let out of me. I felt bad for being so mad with her after she went all the way to town for me.

“I’m sorry I got upset.”

She forgave me and I forgave her. She convinced me to fill one bin for the sale before the end of the day. She left shortly after. Her and Shelby are going to see a movie. I’m watching one too. An old black and white movie Grandma had on her shelf of cassettes. It’s interesting but the edges are fuzzy and the audio is muffled.

Oh, well, I’m tired. And I’ll be sleeping on the couch anyway.

Wednesday

I tried to fix the lock today. I haven’t been outside that long since last week. The garden needs to be watered.

I took out grandma’s old toolbox, the tools half-rusted but intact. I got what was left of the old lock off easily but the new one was more of a task to get in. I had to open the gate to get it in. The holes for the screw were off-kilter but I couldn’t turn the lock enough to get them to line up.

Then he showed up. That man. Bucky. The lock slipped out as he scared me and my screw driver hit my shoe. My toe still hurts.

“You need some help?” He asked.

I shook my head and tried to close the gate on him but he was already picking up the mechanism and screwdriver.

“I can do it.” I sound like a dying mouse. I reached for the lock but he didn’t even seem to notice. “Hold the door steady and I’ll just--”

“I can do it myself,” I said louder but he still didn’t seem to hear me. Or chose not to.

He reached around the gate and pulled it closer to him. I grabbed the bars and he slid the lock into place. His metal fingers shifted it and aligned the holes.

“Do you have the screws?” He asked.

I found the box on the bunch of rocks just beside the gate. I handed him each long screw and he easily twisted them into place.

“There ya go,” He gave the screwdriver back and smiled.

I closed the gate, as good as pushing him out of the yard. He let me but looked confused. I took the key from the box and slid it in the slot. I turned it and the click slowed my racing heart.

“I still don’t know your name,” He said.

I didn’t tell him and left him there. You think he’d get the clue.

Thursday

It’s not even 5am. I woke up in a sweat. The fan is dead and the house has grown stolid, even as the night air slips through the open window.

I thought I’d closed it more but it is wide open and the power is out. There is an eerie silence as the buzz of the fridge is entirely gone and the house is pitch black.

I swear I saw something move in the window. Maybe a bird?

I tried to get back to sleep but it’s too hot. I guess I’ll just sit and wait for the sun to rise. It’s already starting to.

I want to go out in the garden today. I just hope that man doesn’t bother me again. I hope the lock is still in place.

Friday

Well, yesterday was fine. The power came back on at noon as I watered the garden and trimmed some overgrown plants. The freesias had grown despite my neglect.

Today was just as boring. I read at the patio table for a while but then the phone started ringing. Dr. Tisha was checking in. She said she put the signs up yesterday and hoped the turn out would be good. She asked me how much I got done. I lied and said a lot.

Now I’m going to go sort through the guest room and toss a few records on top to get her off my back. I guess I’ll just have to hide under the table tomorrow.

Saturday

Everytime I think I’m doing better, it all goes so bad!

Dr. Tisha and Lorena arrived early to set up the yard sale. They unfolded a table just inside the gate, leaving it wide open, and helped me arrange everything on top of it. I was nervous and tired. I didn’t sleep very much.

I waited nervously and the first customer showed up. Gladys, an old friend of Grandma’s. She bought an old pin cushion and the Miles Davis record. I should have kept that.

I watched mostly as Dr. Tisha and Lorena took the money and helped people, both familiar and not.

Dr. Tisha made me introduce myself to them at least. I hated it but they were mostly friendly. A woman with two children, I think she said her name was Essie? She said she liked my shirt. That was nice.

But then he showed up! I ignored him at first as he played with the ornamental cowbell. He took that and a few records from the table. He didn’t even seem to notice Dr. Tisha or Lorena as he came to me.

I kept my head down as I lined up the thimbles beside the painted sewing box.

“How much for the records?” He asked.

I didn’t say anything and went to the other end of the table. He followed and I turned back and went back to the other end again. He followed me. Again.

“Now,” Tisha stopped me. “What are you doing? He asked you a question.”

I looked up and blinked dumbly. “What? I didn’t-- I was--”

“Bucky,” Lorena greeted him as she neared. “Tisha, this is the neighbour who helped with the groceries the other day.”

“Oh, hello,” She held out her hand as she blocked me from getting away. “I’m Tisha.”

She introduced me then and told me like a child to say hello. I did, quietly.

“Are you… the one who gave her the flowers?” Tisha asked.

“I did.” He smiled. “But I guess she already has enough.”

“She’s shy,” Tisha lowered her voice. “She’s working on it. Now,” she turned to me, “how much do you want for the records… and bell?”

I didn’t know what to say. The man watched me and I felt as if I would melt.

“Come on.” Tisha poked me. “We talked about this, right? This is your sale.”

“Ten dollars each,” I doubled the price. “And twenty for the bell.”

“That’s a bit pricey,” Lorena said. I shrugged.

“Sounds fair to me,” The man took out his wallet as he leaned the record on the table beneath the bell and used his leg to keep it from falling. “I’ve never listened to these bands before and I’m trying to expand my library.”

He held out the money. Tisha had to elbow me to get me to take it. I snatched it from him and counted it. Another elbow as Lorena kept me from turning away.

“Thank you,” I said to him.

“I hope you enjoy the records,” Tisha offered gently before she pulled me aside.

She took me closer to the house as Lorena watched the table. She lowered her voice. “What’s going on?” She asked.

“Nothing.” I lied.

“Nothing? Why were you so rude to him?”

“I don’t like him.”

“You don’t know him.” She insisted.

“I don’t want to.”

“Look, I know you’re uneasy around men, but he was nice. And he’s your neighbour. You’ll be seeing a lot of him so I think you should at least try to be friendly. And remember what I said about friends?”

“My only friend is dead.”

I was so upset I ran inside. And now I’m locked in my room, waiting for them all to just go away.

#bucky barnes #dark bucky barnes #dark!bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #dark bucky barnes x reader #dark!bucky barnes x reader #fic #dark fic #dark!fic #series #from eden #agoraphobia #mcu #marvel

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ghoulciifer · 4 years ago

Note

So heard you want Haikyuu request! So when I get mad at someone (VERY rare) I just look at them like 😠. And just kinda shun them like “dont talk to me 😠. That was rude 😠” so i just scoot away from them. I wont walk away from them, ill just go to the other side of the couch or whatever and if they try to console me im like “no! You spoiled my show 😠” and only kinda yell at them if they keep pursuing like “im mad at you” and if they touch me im like “NO! IM MAD AT YOU” is all lmao UHHH PART 2

hc: how Kageyama and Nishinoya react when their S/O gets angry

tw: none (i think?)

tags: angry!reader, haikyuu, eventual comfort/fluff, slight nsfw with noya

notes: ahsgshahajsh i’m the same way when i get angry but i CRY so much, so i kinda felt this one? but i did hc’s for this because i wanted to do it NOW. i love my boys, especially noya. ty for the request, i love you, and my inbox is still open for asks ❥

» i feel like kageyama is just permanently unaware of everything going on around him, like all this boy has on his mind is fuckin’ volleyball and you, ofc

» i also feel like this is a big reason why doesn’t have a filter sometimes... which gets him in trouble.

» you two are just chilling on the couch, all cuddled up together, watching a show you’ve been trying to catch up to him on (because he’s impatient and apparently can’t wait for you to come home smh)

» you’re halfway through a super suspenseful episode, and there’s a huge lead up to a plot twist but it’s just dragging on forEVER

» “ugh, why can’t they just show who dies, already?” you grumble under your breath, beyond irritated, huffing for good measure

» kageyama just

» nonchalantly fuckin’ spoils it

» “oh F/C/N dies, happens next episode.”

» the speed in which your head turns his way is inhuman LMAO

» you’re so angry you can’t even form words, your blood boils as it rushes to your face and your brow is furrowed so deep

» not only did your boyfriend ruin the rest of the episode but YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER DIES??

» of course kageyama doesn’t notice your death glare until a couple seconds later, looking at you with the most dumbfounded expression

» “...what?”

» you don’t even say anything, just get up, take a deep breath, and walk as calm as possible to the bedroom, slamming the door behind you

» meanwhile kags is still just ?? nani ??

» he leaps into action and tries talking to you through the door but once he hears the tub’s faucet running from your bathroom, he knows it’s your me time and he shouldn’t interfere

» so while you’re soaking up in a hot bath with your favorite scented candle burning at the edge of the tub, listening to your favorite playlist at a comfortable volume,

» kageyama literally sits on the couch and thinks SO HARD about what he could have possibly done wrong ahsgsgshaja this boy

» you were fine before you started watching the show, even after the show started you were quite literally all over him, so where did he go wrong?

» it finally dawns on him that your sudden mood change happened after he spilled the beans on your favorite character’s death

» insert kageyama slamming a palm to his face

» THIS DUDE FEELS SO FUCKIN’ BAD NOW

» he waits at least another 15-20 mins before creeping into the master bath to check up on you, a warm mug of your favorite tea in hand and the sweetest look on his face

» how could you still be mad at him when he’s literally doing the 🥺 face ???

» he crouches at the edge of the tub and leans forward to press a gentle kiss into your temple before setting the mug on the ledge, situating himself so his chin is laying over his folded arms, facing you

» “I’m sorry I’m an idiot... and about F/C/N. I know you liked them a lot.”

» you can’t help but giggle at how precious the moment (or the look on his face) is and you raise a hand to his cheek, rubbing the soft skin over his cheekbone with your damp thumb

» “It’s okay, Tobio, at least I didn’t have to see it. But next time... try not to spoil anything, okay?”

» nishinoya might seem like an air headed tornado to most, but he’s actually pretty perceptive !!

» so he’s always aware of when you’re angry, very in tune with your emotions, constantly tries his best to avoid hurting you or your feelings in anyway

» but uh... he fucks up sometimes.

» you were at your shared home, waiting for him wearing nothing but his old volleyball jersey and his favorite pair of your panties (y’know the ones, with a cute lil’ bow on the front and less fabric in the back ;0)

» there wasn’t really any special occasion but you both made it very clear during a suggestive text conversation earlier in the day that you were going to jump each other’s bones as soon as you got home

» he did let you know he needed to stop by tanaka’s after work to pick something up, but you figured that wouldn’t take long at all, right?

» wrong

» you’ve been nestled in the same spot on the couch for hours, the sun no longer shining into the living room, and you were absolutely steaming from the ears in wait for your boyfriend

» you honestly weren’t even in the mood anymore the longer time dragged on, the show you put on doing nothing to distract you from your aggravation

» eventually you hear the familiar jiggle of your front door and the clanking of keys being hung on the rack before footsteps head your way

» you keep the blanket in your lap wrapped around your waist and sit up, arms crossed, bottom lip jutted out ever so slightly with narrowed eyes

» “Hey, baby! I missed you all da-“

» he tried leaning down for a kiss but you pressed your hand against his lips before they got close enough

» noya is confused for a split second before he notices you’re wearing the one piece of clothing you know will get you laid when you wear it

» “...fuck.”

» “Actually, no, not anymore.”

» you get up from the couch and side step around him, ignoring the way his fingertips brush against your wrist in a failed attempt to grab it

» once you make it to your bedroom you lock yourself in the bathroom to change clothes, wash your face, let your hair down, etc.

» the running water lets noya know you’re starting your nightly routine, and there’s no way you’re doing anything after that

» he’s very aware that you just need to cool off, you got your point across and all that remained was the recovery process

» so he decides to use this time to get himself in his sleep clothes as well and situate the bed in the most comfortable set up possible, the way he knows you like it

» also grabs a snack or two from the kitchen and sets it on your nightstand in case you do decide to talk it out instead of going straight to bed

» he patiently waits for you to emerge from the bathroom as he holds onto the stuffed koala he won for you at some fair years ago HE’S SO CUTE I CAN’T ALDJSHSJAK

» when you finally do come out, donning an old pair of his sweats and an oversized t-shirt, hair brushed and face clean, his face instantly softens

» bc he can’t help but admire how beautiful you look in moments like this 🥺

» once you see the look in his eyes and the stuffed toy in his arms, it’s all over, my guy - you don’t even remember why you were upset in the first place

» you climb on the bed and settle on top of him, head tucked under his chin and arms wrapped underneath his shoulders while he runs his hands up and down your spine, koala bear long forgotten

» “I’m sorry I was out so late, babygirl, I lost track of time... I’ll make it up to you whenever you want, okay? and I’ll hold you like this if you just wanna go to bed.” He finally says after a comfortable silence, kissing the top of your head as he finishes.

» your heart practically melts and suddenly you want to be the one comforting him

» “It’s okay, Yuu. I love you so much.” you lift your head from his chest to give him a sweet kiss as he reciprocates the phrase against your lips

» the kiss lasts much longer than intended and grows in intensity - next thing you know, he’s got you flipped over with his hands sneaking under your shirt to explore your soft skin, mouth latched onto your neck

» his hands wander to the waistband of the sweats resting over your hips and when his fingertips brush over the familiar texture of lace, he looks up at you with the MOST excited look

» “You kept them on?? FOR ME??”

#i went a lil overboard with noya’s but i cant help it #i just love him sm #kageyama tobio #kageyama x reader #tobio kageyama x reader #tobio kageyama fic #nishinoya yuu #nishinoya x reader #nishinoya yu x reader #nishinoya headcanons #kageyama headcanons #haikyuu!!#haikyuu headcanons #hofortendou hc’s

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anxietysroomsupport · 3 years ago

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Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order. And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in. I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it. Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.

You are dealing with So. Much. Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation. It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions. It’s just reality.

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later. Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with. It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle. Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep. Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you. The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit. It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake. That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties. That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much. Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist. You might research online for any used ones as well. A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation. You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future. It’s a lot to process. But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general. Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending your physical therapy sessions. We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy. You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain. Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body. Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

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venusofthehardsells · 4 years ago

Text

No Rest for the Wicked [Dea ex Machina part one]

John ConstantinexAngel!Reader Summary: You travel to a remote island to put a murderous spirit to rest, but things get complicated when you run into one John Constantine. Warnings: swearing, mentions of mental illness, blood, smoking, ghosts, pining, is slowburn a warning? A/N: My first Constantine fic on tumblr, yay! This was originally written for a challenge aaages ago, but it got away from me and I couldn’t meet the deadline. I had so much fun with this though, Constantine is a great character to write for! There will definitely be more stories about him and this particular angelic reader in the future ♥

I’ve mixed elements from both the Vertigo comics and the NBC TV series, as well as from the general DC Universe, so don’t expect accuracy when it comes to canon. A special thanks to @nellblazer for support and linguistic aid, you’re the best! ♥ Let me know what you think and if you want to be tagged ~

Contrary to common belief, there had never actually been any ravens on Raven’s Rock. The tiny, windswept fleck of land in the North Sea had been named a few hundred years ago by a fool of a sailor, who hadn’t been able to tell a raven from a severely lost and consequently very confused Scandinavian pigeon. Said sailor had regrettably also been of some importance in his homeland at the time, meaning no one had bothered to correct the unfortunate mistake for fear of losing a head. Even though everyone who since came upon the island only ever managed to find gulls and puffins and various other seabirds, it had still kept its misleading English name.

The Celts, who by rights had been on the island long before the British, had chosen to play it safe and completely forego the bird names (although it had been suggested several times in later centuries to change it to the Gaelic word for seagull, or even pigeon, as a taunt). Instead, they had most likely looked to the ancient ruins that specked the island, jutting up from the rocks like broken teeth and, all things considered, had endured well beyond memory and history and legend. Or perhaps they had still been reeling from the mad determination that had brought them and their wooden ships so far from home. Whichever the case, they had called the stubborn, little rock Innis Seasmhach, “the steadfast island”.

That was its official name to this day, though most people, especially those who didn’t speak Gaelic (which in all fairness are not very many), still referred to it as Raven’s Rock.

The locals shrugged and simply called it “the island”.

There was only one village on the entire island, whose population on a good day might reach a hundred and thirty people. That usually only happened a few times during summer when the ferries from Stavanger and Aberdeen docked at the same time. The tourists came to see the ruins, buy a souvenir fridge magnet of a raven or a puffin, complain about the frightfully bleak weather and leave again on one of the ferries that departed before evenfall, secretly happy they didn’t have to spend any more time on the island.

On the day you arrived, the population on the isle of Raven’s Rock, was an astounding one hundred and forty four, which was quite unheard of in the middle of October.

What was even more unheard of, however, was the reason for all these untimely appearances.

A night ago, a pair of fishermen had discovered the body of a man in a small, secluded cove on the north side of the island. The body was placed so that it could only be seen from sea, unless one were to venture down a rocky and extremely narrow trail into the cove itself. It wasn’t hard to imagine someone slipping and ending up on the stony beach below. That kind of unfortunate death was of course tragic, but it hardly warranted the wide array of policemen and journalists the death had attracted. No, the reason for the sudden interest was the gruesome way the body had been displayed.

The dead man had been stripped bare and splayed out on the rocks like a cross with his arms stretched away from his torso. His skin was almost completely covered in symbols and writing no one could make sense of, though one expert, when consulted by the mystified and slightly desperate police, vaguely suggested it was possibly a rare pre-Arthurian dialect.

The more macabre specifics had so far been kept out of the press.

One was that the writings on the body had been done in blood, the corpse’s own, and another was that it came from where the head had been crudely severed from the rest of the flesh and spiked close by on a piece of driftwood.

Even hypnotised, the young sergeant who had told you, had looked slightly green when he related the information. You had padded him sympathetically on the shoulder before moving on. He wouldn’t remember revealing the details to you, but the information itself was seared into his mind forever.

His, along with the rest of the islanders’, you mused as you continued from the harbour and on into the village.

The locals called it “town”, but in truth it wasn’t really big enough to warrant that title.

It had one store that sold a little bit of everything depending on the weather, a church, a pub, a repair shop (it wasn’t specified what exactly you could get repaired there) and a public building, functioning as city hall, police station, post office, library and school in one. All the police reinforcements from Aberdeen had been moved into the city hall, seeing as the only two policemen permanently stationed on the island had never handled a murder case before. Meanwhile, the reporters and TV crews covering the case were taking up the pub’s five tiny bedrooms, both B&Bs and every single rental cottage Raven’s Rock could boast (nine in total if you counted the back room in the garage of the repair shop). Because you had left for the airport in a hurry and jumped onto the first plane to Norway, you hadn’t had time to secure a place to sleep on the island. You had pondered it on the ferry, but when it came down to it, you didn’t want to stick around longer than a day. If you worked fast, you could probably be on your way back to the mainland in the morning and wouldn’t need to worry about finding a bed. You had spotted a bench down by the harbour; it would have to do.

Besides, you didn’t have any time to waste as long as the murder case was unsolved. You could still hear Madame Xanadu’s words in your head like some annoying ominous echo.

A restless darkness will carry its evil across the water to be unleashed upon the twice-named rocks. The steadfast land will drink the blood of the laughing magician.

Fate was a menace when you had to deal with it like this, grounded and fumbling through the world with nothing but scraps to guide you. Not like in the old days when you had all of Heaven at your disposal… Being a proper angel had really had its advantages. You scoffed and walked faster. At least this prophecy had been pretty straightforward, which was far from what you were usually given to work with, you thought sourly, folding your arms around yourself against the wind.

A malevolent spirit that should have passed on, but hadn’t was easy enough to figure out; it happened all the time and you could deal with that. The location of the spirit had also been a walk in the park with so many hints to go on.

What really worried you was the second part of Madame Xanadu’s little mystic insight.

The steadfast land will drink the blood of the laughing magician.

Blood drinking was never a good omen in prophecies. It hardly ever meant vampires, usually just death. And the laughing magician, well, that one was always the same. The reason Madame Xanadu had called upon you to restore the balance in this place.

John Constantine.

Whenever one of her foresights indicated that the blonde warlock was walking into something he couldn’t handle himself, she sent you after him or, in this case, ahead to clear his path for him. Most times, he didn’t even know you had been there and you preferred it that way.

Like now.

The last you had heard of John was that he was in the States. Sufficiently far away, you thought. Even if someone had alerted him to the murder on Raven’s Rock, it would be at least another day before he could reach the windswept little island and by then you hoped to be long gone. It was best if you two didn’t meet at all.

You chewed on your lip as you thought of him. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to see him, it was just… easier if you didn’t. The things you did, the jobs you took were simply too dangerous if your focus wasn’t a hundred per cent on the task in front of you. And with John around, your newly mortal heart had a tendency to make your better judgement evaporate.

You passed a phonebox on the main (and only) street that looked as though it had seen better days and a small tourist information office/part time bakery with its doors and windows shut for the night, before you reached the seemingly only building in town with light and, admittedly subdued, noise streaming out of it: the pub. Apart from the city hall, you reckoned it must be the oldest building around, but also by far the one in best repair. The wooden sign above the heavy green door was, unsurprisingly, in the shape of a very sinister looking gull and it swayed in the wind with an ominous creak that made a shiver run down your spine, as if trying to dissuade you from entering.

Well, it wasn’t very likely that you would get any information elsewhere. With determination in your steps, you walked the last few cobbled steps to the door and went inside.

Your eyes quickly scanned the room, the patrons, the energies... and you froze on the threshold.

On a stool by the bar sat the very man you had hoped to avoid. He had taken off his signature trench coat and his back was towards you, but it didn't matter; you would recognise him blindfolded. He was so thoroughly cloaked and shrouded in magical protections of all sorts that the space he occupied was practically a vacuum. It was damn near impossible to locate him by magic, you knew. If one weren't looking directly at him, like you were now, no sixth sense or intricate spell would reveal his whereabouts. But his was a vacuum you had come to know very well. So well in fact, that by now you could pin him down by his apparent lack of magic, rather than by his well-hidden magical signature, and yet, there he was, sitting only half a room away from you with a drink in one hand and one of his ghastly Silk Cuts resting between the fingers of the other. And you hadn't noticed. You hadn't even done a quick scan to see if there were other magical presences on the island when you arrived. Worse, you hadn't cloaked yourself as thoroughly as you normally would have done and your own signature reached him before you could even think to try and prevent it.

From the way he straightened his back and immediately snuffed out the cigarette in an ashtray as if someone had shouted at him to show some care, you could tell he knew you were there. He shifted ever so slightly as if making room for you and you sighed. There was no getting out of this one.

Getting rid of your raincoat, you went over and crawled onto the empty stool next to him.

You were met with that wicked smirk of his that made your heart stutter and stumble in your chest.

"Now, there's a pleasant surprise to brighten this hellhole," he greeted, raising his glass at you. "Must confess, I never guessed I'd be running into you on this godforsaken rock, luv."

"Hello John." You did with a nod, trying to keep your voice even. "Can't say I expected this to be your sort of retreat either."

The warm light in the pub shone in John Constantine's dark eyes and his smirk grew into a grin.

"It's good to see you, luv. I've missed that disapproving pout o' yours. The fact that I never know when I'll see it again makes it so much sweeter."

You rolled your eyes at him, but didn't attempt to hide your burning cheeks. The bastard couldn’t possibly know exactly how brightly your torch for him was burning, but he always acted accordingly.

"So, what are you doing here then? Odd place for playing tourist, innit?"

He leaned on the counter, his hand moving closer to where yours was resting and there was that little, dark gleam of hope in his eyes that always appeared when he looked at you. As if there was somehow some other reasonable purpose you could have to be in a place like this, at a time like this.

You shrugged, biting down a smile.

"I find the climate rather agreeable."

John threw his head back and laughed at that. Even the barkeep, who had overheard your words, snorted. You caught his gaze before he turned back around and ordered a sparkling water.

"Right. And I just happened by to see the sights, eh?"

"Well, what do you think of them then?"

You raised an eyebrow at him and took a sip of the fizzy water the barkeep placed in front of you. John grinned and gave you an obvious once-over. Your dirty boots and high-neck jumper didn't seem to put him off.

"Much improved since this morning. At this rate, I can't wait to see how they'll look in the night."

"Oh, I ought to slap that smirk off your smug face, wizard," you sighed, feeling how your stomach was practically fluttering at his suggestive tone.

"Is that a promise, luv?"

"You're insufferable."

"Aye, that I am, luv, but you keep coming back for more. Must be doing something right, eh?"

You bit your lip and looked down; he suddenly felt too close. And the general level of noise inside the pub from people chattering wasn't as high as you had hoped. It would be easy for others to overhear anything you said. Given the island-wide unrest over the murder, you were sure ears were perked more than usual and you didn't want to draw any attention to yourself, or John. You would have to gather more information some other way.

"I missed you, too," you confessed, staring at the bottles lining the wall behind the bar as if they were all of a sudden exceedingly interesting. "But I... I thought you were helping out a certain green vigilante overseas these days."

John visibly tensed up.

"Who told you that?"

You shrugged, still not looking directly at him. The truth was that he couldn't really hide from you, not even in your current state. If he found out though, you didn't doubt for a second that his heated flirting would be switched for a literal knife in the back before you could even think the word "portal". Well, perhaps not literal, but you had no doubt the outcome would be fatal for you anyway.

"Who told you to come here?," you countered, raising an eyebrow and John scoffed.

"If you must know, I got a call from an old friend. Looks like she's been scrying on her own and this little spit of land kept drawing all her energy. Didn't seem like something I could ignore."

"You should've," you mumbled, taking a large slurp of your water and doing your best to ignore the persistent little spark of envy starting to gnaw away at you at his choice of words. What old friend? It had to be someone he had slept with, it always was with him. Why couldn't you just not care? "Take my advice, John, leave. Go home and lay low. I'll handle this island."

"Is that concern for old Johnny I hear, luv?," he asked with mock-surprise.

"Maybe. Don't let it get to your head, your ego won't be able to fit into that coat of yours."

He chuckled, but the tension was still there and you didn't know how to break it without giving him the truth, or at least something close.

"Your turn, pretty bird. I don't believe in coincidences like this, so tell me. How'd you know to come here?"

Lying to John Constantine was out of the question. As was being honest with him.

You chewed on your lip a bit, weighing your options. It wasn't like him to accept any kind of help unless he was downright desperate and that was still a long way off. If you challenged him though, he was most likely to flee, that much you knew. But you didn't want to get on his bad side unless you had absolutely no other choice.

"Leave," you repeated. "This one's out of your league, John. Let me take care of it, please."

The way your eyes were pleading with him made him frown and you realised you might have shown too much of your hand.

"I'm not going anywhere, luv." His hand was on top of yours on the bar before you could move it. To anyone looking, it seemed like an affectionate gesture, but he was effectively pinning you in place. "Not until you give me a bloody good reason not to give you the same treatment as whatever beast it is we're dealing with on this island."

"Let go of me."

Your voice wasn't very loud, but you knew he could hear you. He answered by pressing down harder on your hand and you winced.

"Why is it so hard for you to believe I just want to keep you safe?," you all but hissed at him, emptying your drink with a sour expression.

"Oh, I trust you just about as far as I can throw you, luv. Every time I see your pretty little face it means there's trouble brewing just around the corner."

"I saved your life in Tennessee. And in Derry," you tried, but his hold didn't loosen. If anything, John was now gripping your hand so hard no blood could possibly flow to your fingers. "I am trying to do your stubborn Scouse arse a bloody favour, why can't you just for once in your damn life listen to me?"

"Tell me your name then and maybe I will."

Fuck. Somehow it always came down to that.

"Xanadu," you snapped through gritted teeth, eyeing John with what you hoped was an appropriate amount of ire. "Xanadu contacted me and told me about this place. Happy? Obviously, she wasn't going to tell you now, was she?"

John withdrew his hand from you as though you'd burned him. It felt about as pleasant as a punch to the teeth, but you tried not to let it show on your face.

"I suppose you're right...," he admitted. "What did she tell you then? Her usual cryptic nonsense I reckon?"

"For someone in your line of work, you're not at all keen on prophecy reading, are you?," you sighed, forcing a bit of humour into your words.

There was no love lost between John Constantine and Madame Xanadu, that much had been clear to you from the beginning. But even though she couldn't stand the sight of him, she believed John was instrumental in keeping the world safe and had begrudgingly agreed to help you protect him when she could.

"Not really my style. I prefer things more tangible, to the point. Besides, I don't need to worry about divination when I have you."

"You rarely do."

"Not by my choice, luv."

Your eyes flickered back to the empty glass in front of you and you had to take a very slow breath to try and steady yourself. His effect on you was too strong for you to be safe around him. Your job required a clear head - for both your sakes.

"A restless darkness will carry its evil across the water to be unleashed upon the twice-named rocks," you recited, steeling your voice as you averted his unspoken question the way you always did. "It wasn't that cryptic at all for once."

He didn't need to hear the other part. You could feel his eyes roaming your face, trying to figure you out, looking for something without fully knowing what. It was at times like these you missed your wings. Keeping secrets in a human body full of emotions and urges and reactions beyond your immediate control was frustrating at best. It was another reason you were better off keeping your distance.

After a while of searching your features, John sighed and gave up.

"Alright. So it's probably some kind of malevolent spirit then, wreaking havoc. Don't see why you're so worried luv, sounds like any other Tuesday to me."

The barkeep was close enough for you to signal for a refill to you both. He grunted something unintelligible, obviously not too keen on all the Brits suddenly hanging out in his pub. You made sure to send him a grateful smile as he filled your glasses, yours with sparkling water, John's with whisky.

"My weeks are all Mondays," you said and raised the glass to your lips; just as you had hoped, John did the same. "Did you get here in time to see the body?"

"Only after they moved it. Wasn't pretty..." He took another swig while staring at the wall with a distant glaze clouding his eyes that told you he wasn't seeing the wall at all. "Pathologist told me the man had been alive when 'is head was severed. The, er... the inscriptions..." John looked just as sickly green as the constable had done and very gently you put your hand on his shoulder. A small gesture of reassurance. "I'm tired," he whispered suddenly. He turned his head to look at you and your heart ached when you realised how glassy his eyes had become. "I am just so bloody tired. Demons, vampires, curses, spirits, the lot. No matter where I go, there're always more and people die, it never stops. Innocent people, good people... I just want a fucking break, but if I don't stop the darkness from spreading, who will?"

His voice was thin and on the verge of breaking entirely. You wanted nothing more than to lean forwards on the stool and put your arms around him, somehow make him know he wasn't alone, but the risk was too great. You were in too deep already.

"Sometimes I wonder whether it's all worth it..."

"Of course it's worth it, John," you said quietly, clenching his shoulder. "We do what we have to so they...," you gestured discreetly towards the patrons, ”they can go on living their lives and not... not know and see the things we do..."

"I know, luv, I know. I just... I want..." The gloom that was always lurking just below the surface of his existence was spilling into his eyes. He was weary to the bone, deep into his very soul. For a moment, you thought he was going to let the tears burst. "I risk my life every day and it's never bloody enough, is it? A man got his head carved off by some wretched spirit who should have been resting in peace. Fuckin’ Hell..."

He rubbed his eyes hard and you decided then what to do. You didn't like it one bit, but seeing John this worn down, well, you liked that even less. It meant you had been sleeping on the job.

As subtly as you could, you put your hand in your pocket and found the tiny zip-bag with a pinch of purple powder in it. It wasn't something you used often and it had never been meant for John, but you couldn't in good conscience let him go after a rogue spirit in his current state. While he emptied his glass again, you drizzled the powder into your hand and braced yourself.

"John, look at me. It's going to be alright. You are John Constantine and without you this world would have ended twelve times in the last decade, maybe more. And right now you are going to save this island, because that is what you do. So get off your sulking arse and stop feeling sorry for yourself. We have a job here. You're going to find that spirit and put it out of its misery before it hurts someone else, got it?"

He huffed, but even so raised his head and managed a small grateful smile at the reprimand.

"Yes. You're right. Thank you, luv. You always know what to say..." His eyes darted to your lips and for half a heartbeat, you did nothing, just sat there and waited for him to lean in the rest of the way and kiss you. It was far from the first time it had happened, but you still felt at war with yourself. There wasn't a single atom left in you anymore that didn't crave his affection. He was drunk and emotional and between the way he looked at you and the way there suddenly seemed to be less and less space separating your bodies, there was no doubt about his intention. It would be so easy just to finally give in and let it happen.

"Don't thank me."

Before he could lean back or ask you what you meant, you blew the purple powder straight into his face.

His eyes widened in shock, but his body immediately began to turn relaxed and pliant.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me...," he mumbled, but his gaze was already unfocused.

"I'm so sorry, John," you whispered, gently guiding his torso onto the bar.

He tried to say something more, but his words were slurred and within a few seconds, he was gone.

You had gotten the sleeping powder from a dealer in New Orleans, who had told you the effects would last at least four hours. They always oversold their stuff, but hopefully John would be out long enough for you to deal with the entire affair if you hurried up and took a few shortcuts. It was a messy solution, but then again, you hadn't planned on him being here. Desperate times and all that.

"He gonna be lying there all night?," the barkeep grumbled with a raised eyebrow at John when you hopped down from your stool. You put on the best smile you could manage under the circumstances and slid 50 quid across the counter.

"He'll come ‘round soon enough. If not, I'll be back for him in a few."

You practically fled the pub before he could ask you any more questions.

The road outside was deserted and you hoped no one was watching as you marched to the lonely phone box you had spotted earlier. It didn't look like anyone had used it in several years, but when you picked up the receiver the dial tone was there alright.

You took out a stained, battered playing card from the depths of one of your pockets (the seven of diamonds) and slid it into the credit card slot. You didn't own a mobile phone and neither did most of your acquaintances, but still you had memorised the few numbers you occasionally needed.

"Hey Chas, it's me," you said when the answering machine finally picked up. "I'm at the island with John and I haven't got much time. I don’t want to get John involved in this so I need to work fast. There's no need to worry, really, I've got it under control, but... just in case something unforeseen happens, uhm... if I don't call back in let's say ten hours, will you let John know where to find my body? He can't track me in his usual ways, so he'll need your help."

You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. What you were about to do was risky, maybe even reckless.

"I'm going to the beach where they found the dead man and work my way from there. If... if I don't succeed..." It was as if your throat was suddenly full of gravel. "Chas, please, just make sure John isn't the one to take on that spirit. He is not ready for that." Too late, you held the receiver away from your face while you tried to suppress a sniffle. So much for convincing Chas Chandler that you had things under control. Forcing your voice to even out, you continued. "I have to go. Just help him if I can’t, okay? And don’t worry too much. I’ll probably see you in a couple of days.”

Before you could say anything even more stupid, you hung up and slid your helpful seven of diamonds back into your coat. Handy little thing to have on you.

You left the phone box in the last light of day and made your way down to the beach. It took you twenty minutes to reach the cove and less than one to sneak under the police tape unseen. There were just two constables standing guard at the scene and they only looked when you wanted them to. For an active crime scene, the site was unusually quiet, but you attributed your luck to the dusk that made searching for clues almost impossible.

Of course, that went for you as well, you thought sourly as you carefully stepped around the little plastic numbers the police forensics had put up all over the little stretch of beach. You could make out the bloody piece of driftwood and the large dark spatter running down the stones where the corpse had lain, but nothing smaller than those. Even if the place was rather secluded, you didn’t dare light a torch with the uniforms standing idly guard so close by.

Sighing, you closed your eyes and concentrated.

The place was tingling with dark energy and it became clearer the more you felt around, using your own magic.

A spirit, just like you had anticipated. A lost soul preying on the living for… revenge? Yes, the bloody traces sang with the mad desire for vengeance that so often kept the dead from their rest.

Bloodshed, the thirst temporarily quenched. Then what?

The movements of the spirit became blurry after that no matter how hard you tried to focus. The leftover energy had been disturbed and mixed with the signatures of all the people who had been to the crime scene since the discovery of the body and it was impossible to make out without assistance, even for someone as experienced as you.

If you couldn’t locate the soul, you couldn’t send it packing.

Luring it via séance required more people and it was too risky for everyone involved anyway. Without its name, summoning it was out of the question as well.

You groaned when you realised what you had to do.

Making sure for the last time you couldn’t be seen from the line of police tape above you, you took off your backpack and dark raincoat and shoved both of them under the nearest rock. Next, you loosened your boots and sat them next to the backpack, then your thick scarf and woollen jumper. With short, angry movements, you rolled your trousers down and folded them hastily, ripped off your socks and wriggled out of your top.

“You’re so bloody lucky I love you, John,” you mumbled through clenched teeth that were starting to rattle in your skull. With fingers already numb from the cold, you unclasped your bra and slid down your underwear before you could change your mind, and with a deep breath, you stepped into the waves.

Even before you went into the sea, your body had been covered in goosebumps from the chilly October air, but the surfs rising around your legs now made you heave for breath with every step forward. The rocks under your feet were dull compared to the sharpness of the water. When it reached you mid-thigh you had to stop and wait for the pain to subside enough so that you could get further out. You were too close to the beach and the water was still too shallow for your purpose.

A tangle of seaweed drifted past your ankle, or at least you hoped it was just seaweed. It was hard to tell for sure in the dark.

Your submerged muscles were screaming as you forced yourself out until the water reached your ribs. If only that wretched spirit hadn’t chosen the middle of the bleeding autumn to throw its tantrum.

“Sacred Nanuet, your humble servant speaks to you,” you intoned through gritted teeth and held out your hands on either side of you so the gentle waves touched the palms of your hands. “She beseeches you; allow her the honour of sharing in your wisdom. Blessed goddess, lend her your sight and expand her understanding, your humble servant begs of you, great Nanuet…”

The ancient language you muttered your request in felt strange on your tongue as always, but your flattery worked. You could feel the magic start to sing under your hands and so you took a deep breath and lowered yourself completely into the sea.

The stranglehold of the freezing water somehow got pushed into the background of your conscience and within a beat of your heart your mind was alight with images. Through the water, you could see most of the world, but you focused on Raven’s Rock and the little beach behind you. The water had seen it all. From the depths of the ocean, it rolled onto the sand and sneaked its way under the island’s rocks, seeped into the soil and was drunk by the hungry roots of The Green, stretching into the light above ground…

It wasn’t long before you managed to zero in on the exact event you needed. The Sight of Nanuet allowed your mind to access the memory of the watery abyss, which included as good as all water on Earth and not a lot of people mastered navigating it anymore. You had been forced to use a lot of wordly magic since you lost your wings and so had learned to find what you needed relatively easy.

Through the Sight, you saw the murder of the man on the beach, how the spirit severed his head and lapped at the blood before turning away from the scene. It lost some of its shape then, but through the dewy grass above the cove and the moist air, you managed to follow it away from the beach and across the land.

The spirit held its physical form, or at least the overall contours of it, and it made it easier to trail. From what you could tell, it definitely had been human when it had been alive. Poor thing. If only it hadn’t gone and murdered someone, maybe you could have sent it to rest.

But would you even be there if it hadn’t?

When the spirit finally settled, you had followed it to an old, abandoned stone house with no windows and a door rotting away on the hinges. The place must have been a farm. There were several small outhouses scattered around the main building and indents in the earth marking former animal pens. The roof had been a thatched one, but now it was more moss than straw and what still remained beneath the heavy green patches had long since turned mouldy and dark. A few shards of glass jutted from some of the window frames like crude, predatory teeth waiting to chew up whoever was unfortunate or foolish enough to get close.

You went after the spirit through the remnants of the front door.

A voice in the back of your head told you it was enough, you should get out of the house and the Sight and the water. You had what you needed for now.

But the way the spirit slumped through the dark rooms and up a ramshackle staircase, as if it had done it a hundred times before, as if it belonged there in that house, intrigued you. It didn't match your original theory, the reason you didn't want John involved.

Curiosity piqued, you followed the lonely ghost up the stairs, where it turned left and went into a room with what had been two alcoves in the wall but were now mostly caved in. The room didn't have any windows and it was hard to make out the details, but the flimsy shape of the spirit trudged towards one of the beds and with motions as if the bedding had still been intact, it lay down and pulled the memory of a blanket over itself.

You slowly got closer, unsure of what to do. The visible shape of the ghost was gone now that it was no longer in motion and the general gloom of the empty house made it near impossible for you to see anything clearly. But the person the ghost had been once seemed so at home here. You couldn't feel any hostility from it at all, not even a trace. Only peace, comfort. Quiet.

This had been its home once when it had lived, you were almost certain of it.

But the desolate little stone house, out of the way even for the island's standard, must have stood abandoned for several decades, maybe even a century or two. If the ghost had lived here it was much older than you had initially thought.

Which meant you might have knocked John out for nothing.

Fuck.

You had to find out more and fast, but it was unlikely the memory of the house before your closed eyes would yield anything further. Even if it was dark and late in the evening, you would have to go there physically. The chances of finding something would be higher, and besides, you couldn't stay in the water forever. You were almost human, after all.

The thought had barely crossed your mind before the reflex to breathe kicked in and you could feel the freezing seawater rush down your throat. One inhale was all it took for your lungs to feel heavy as a pair of burning bricks. A fleeting realisation, that drowning was one of the most unpleasant sensations you’d had the misfortune of experiencing since losing your wings, faintly made it to the front of your perception before the back of your head hit the sand on the ocean floor. Then the only thing you could focus on was the pressure of the water and the way your body grew ever more numb…

The room still flickered before your eyes, slowly losing definition as you lost consciousness. Strange, you mused with your last bit of coherence, that an angel from Heaven should die looking up at it from so far below, in the cold embrace of the sea. It wasn't even painful anymore, the water, but oddly comforting, lulling you to rest, holding you tight.

The only regret you had was leaving John…

The last thing you saw before your eyes fell shut was his face above yours and a faint smile moved your lips. How very considerate of your mind to conjure up his image as the last thing you would ever see.

You could feel his arms around you even, fingers digging into your skin, his body pressed down against your own…

“Bloody fucking Hell, let her go!” The words didn’t make sense to you and they sounded so awfully far away. “She isn’t yours, you stupid paegan relic, let go of her! Let go!”

But you were, you were letting go, there was nothing more you could do.

“Christ, luv, which heathen tosspot did you enlist to drown you?! Yam, Ægir? Tiamat? Nanuet? Nanuet, isn’t it?” At the invocation of her name, you could feel the ancient goddess slacken her hold on you, as if in surprise, and you vaguely realised that the embrace you felt didn’t belong to her or the water, but to John. “Oh, you always were a fickle tart. Let go of this servant or so help me God, I, John Constantine, will destroy you and every last shrine still bearing your blasted name! Let her go!”

With a cry you weren’t sure was even coming from you, your face broke the surface of the waves. You violently coughed up seawater and if it weren’t for John’s arms, you would have fallen right back down into the deep. Your head was spinning. The numbness gave way to a cold so freezing you might as well have been rolling in needles. Everything hurt. Your legs felt unsteady, no, your entire body felt as if someone had replaced your bones with straw and your muscles with jelly.

“J-John…,” you coughed, but he shushed you, keeping you close to him in the water.

“I know, luv, it’s a bloody miracle you aren’t dead, you’re welcome for that. Now let’s get you out of the water, yeah?”

He was really there, drenched in the North Sea in the middle of October at what might as well have been the edge of the Earth, just to save you from drowning. His white shirt and black trousers clung to his frame like film and from what you could make out in the light from the moon, he was shuddering from the cold, too. You had never wanted to kiss him so badly before.

“I c-can’t m-m-move,” you got out through teeth rattling painfully in your skull, suddenly all too aware of your proximity and your own state of undress. As much as you wanted to cling to him for warmth, for closeness, the logical part of your muddled brain was screaming at you to keep your distance. That was what you did, wasn’t it?

“‘Course you can’t. How long were you under for, anyway? Completely off your rocker summoning a paegan goddess alone at night in the middle of the bloody ocean! What were you thinking?”

“I-I saw the g-ghost,” you weakly tried stammering through your clattering teeth. “Saw h-how it killed-ungh!”

You let out a groan as John swiftly picked you up and started carrying you towards shore. Your severely tested heart felt as though it might give out entirely. Never had you been reckless enough to let him touch you like this before, to let him hold you, as if you were a lover who would readily indulge in such intimacy. If it weren’t for the fact that you were very likely about to freeze to death, your cheeks would have been on fire. Every inch of your skin would have been scorching.

As it were, you were too cold and too exhausted for your body to produce that kind of heat. Surrendering to the fatigue in your bones, you allowed your head to rest against him and closed your eyes. He could carry you to shore or to Hell on his hands. You weren’t going to argue. For the first time in all your human life, you completely let your guard down.

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lady-plantagenet · 4 years ago

Text

Unsolicited Book Reviews (n5): Wife to theKingmaker

Rating:

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Even before I had an account I had a tendency to go to tumblr to see people’s opinions before buying a histfic novel. Certain books are either severely underrepresented where I feel like there needs to be something on them, whereas others that are talked about enough - something more can still be said. So for my quarantine fun, I had decided to start a series where I review every medieval historical fiction novel I read. Hopefully, it will either start interesting discussions or at least be some help for those browsing its tag when considering purchasing it.

TL;DR: Ok swear to god this book was written by two different people. The ending was actually heart-wrenching, but so much had annoyed me throughout that I swore to myself to never again touch this genre for my own health. Twas an odd tale, and tbh the fact that it was odd probably elevated it from the 2 stars (or hell maybe even 1 if it was going to get any more richardian) to 3. Honestly, quite glad I read it in the end. Not the most historically informative, but some of the character arcs were actually quite neat (however extremely farfetched). Spoiler Warning: I’m going to divulge a lot on here because I know no one who follows me is going to read this book.

Plot: Ok, the plot... It was only after I placed my order that I realised this is the Sandra Heath Wilson of ‘Cicely’s King’ fame. I cringed and didn’t know what to do. For all you innocents out there... her Cicely series is a saga wherein Cecily of York pretty much bangs everyone who is male and from the house of york (minus her father and uncle George) and Even Henry VII(!!). She then has this kid by Richard III, calls him Leo and the rest is history(this is what I gleaned from goodreads). Nevertheless it had already shipped and honestly I had it coming; the synopsis does say she has an affair with her brother-in-law John Marquis of Montagu. Whatever, I couldn’t resist buying the only novel about Anne Beauchamp, and since it was published in the 70s/80s I knew it would at least be flamboyant and go all out. It delivered enough for it to have been worth reading.

So the novel follows Anne Beauchamp!(Nan) from when she is a 13 year old girl to 1478 when she finally leaves Beaulieu to go live at Middleham with her (as you guessed it- favourite) daughter Anne and her oh so belovéd son-in-law Richard Duke of Gloucester - You see? Since now finally the Great Other (Mr George) is finally vanquished England has its peace. Of course this is not true, Nan historically left the abbey in 1473 for Middleham and while I wanted a possible explanation from the author (who I would assume is better researched than I) for whether she went to Middleham out of her own volition or simply because the King trusted Gloucester better than Clarence... alas I got none. It was all pinned on the fact that the evil George (who as per usual alternates between omnipotent mastermind to absolute drunken himbo at the turn of a page) would not have her free for as long as she lived (for whatever reason). I really think the real historical explanation was because Edward trusted Gloucester - because after all Warwick Castle was Nan’s patrimony not Middleham. I doubt Nan had a choice in the matter but, the point is, Isabel was alive in 1473 and since there’s zero historical record or suggestion that Nan and Anne had ever seen her again, it would have been nice to have had a depiction of the conflicted feelings or a final meeting written for the three women. I’ll let it slide I guess, after all, one needs to cut some slack when it comes to books written pre-internet age by non-historians. And unlike Sunne in Splendour, this book does not purport to be completely accurate or a representation of the truth.

Christ some sub-plots were truly unexpected. One that made me groan at first was the whole arc between Nan and her niece Eleanor Butler. In this book she’s her ward (not historically true) and little Eleanor is all sweet and innocent and virtuous and, hell, at one point we get more Nan-Eleanor interaction than even between Nan - her own daughters (particularly Isabel who would have been the right age and a better substitute for Eleanor in their dialogue, but alas, who cares about Isabel right?). Eleanor even is the one to accidentally discover that Margaret of Anjou slept with Edmund Beaufort, siring Edward of Lancaster.

Ok. You’re probably thinking, god how trite eugh the Richardians are at it again, right? Yeah ok the Richardians are at it again, but it turns into something really neat at the end. Essentially, as I said, Nan has an affair with John Neville Marquis of Montagu (long story that I will expand on in characterisation) and she and him come upon Edward and Eleanor (overhearing them nothing more). So Edward and Nan then have this mutually assured destruction between them, because Edward divulges that he saw Nan and John years later when Nan confronts him (by this time he is married to Elizabeth Woodville) that she knows about the pre-contract with the intention of telling him off. He tells her that if she dares tell Warwick about the pre-contract he will tell Warwick about John, so she then agrees (also because she promised her niece that she would keep it quiet for the safety of her son by Edward). Years later when they meet again, Edward realised how much is at stake for Nan (especially since it turned out she loved Warwick all along and Edward figured that out), and so, during the period of John’s back-and-forth loyalties (we know he was disgruntled by the loss of the Northumberland Earldom)... Edward returns and tells Nan that if Montagu abandons him he will out her to Richard and cause a massive division between the brothers (militaristically speaking as well) and he knows he can do that because he figures out Nan will not out him because she blubbs about her promise to her niece. This madness then becomes bittersweet when (as history would have it) Montagu does end up fighting for Warwick, nevertheless, Nan is releaved during the whole time because there’s nothing in Warwick’s letters that give any indication that Edward ended up exposing her. Warwick dies in the battlefield, Nan is deeply aggrieved but happy he never found out at least. But then... years later when Edward comes to Beaulieu (1478 as this story would have it) to inform Nan that she may depart for Middleham, he tells her that he in fact did expose her to Warwick... but that Warwick didn’t believe him and laughed in his face because he thought there was no way she could be unfaithful because he knew she loved him. This sounds silly but it got to me a bit when I read it. Of course, we also have Edward saying he regretted his handling of the pre-contract affair because apparently Elizabeth Woodville had since lost interest in him and he’s hurt by how she shows no reaction to him having mistresses and he’s kinda given up, whereas Eleanor would have been more of a lapdog. This was essentially the centrepiece of the plot.

Look, I don’t really read these types of novels as a habit so I don’t know if bizarre plot lines like this are commonplace. Not going to lie though, it threw me and it was pleasantly enjoyable. This is basically what is to be said about the plot... the rest goes into characterisation. Nevertheless, this novel too often fell into the exposition trap (like telling us what is happening politically instead of showing us). While I appreciated the refresher of what happened 1445-1461 and I understand that the target audience of this book aren’t Wars of the Roses experts, I’ve seen it done more smoothly in many other more literary novels (eg Hawley Jarman’s or Lytton-Bulwer’s Last of the Barons). I’ve often said Sunne in Splendour was terribly dry and exposition-heavy, but at least it had historical detail so I could sometimes switch off and treat it as a non-fiction account for battles and character locations. But with this one I a) don’t have faith that the author paid attention to detail; see what I said earlier about the years 1473-1478, so I won’t take this as information and b) know that if she had done this with the years I know more about: 1461-1478, I would have gotten annoyed because of my familiarity with those decades.

Characterisation: Well we have lovelorn saintly Dickon here - always a pet peeve of mine. Look, I don’t have strong opinions about the man but it just innures me how whenever Richardianism rears it’s ugly head the plot suffers massively and it’s always favourite figures of mine that suffer the most. George Duke of Clarence... oh god, what can I say? Wife-beater, alcoholic, is disgusted by his wife when she is ill (you know, unlike the historical Clarence who had resided in the Abbot’s home near the infirmiary for the last months of his wife’s lying-in and after to be close to her and thereafter stuck with her until she passed away and two months after that as well), is stupid yet somehow still devious, is the indirect cause of her death... the list goes on. Welp, at least this Clarence unlike the Sunne in Splendour one has an elegant bearing, sense of fashion and is a great dancer. The Sunne one had NOTHING. It’s also odd that they make his attitude towards Isabel undergo a complete 180 as soon as he realises this marriage will no longer make him king. This makes no sense as the book has them want to marry for love, like YEARS before 1469, so this sudden attitude change makes no sense. Authors really need to be reminded that crown or no crown that marriage would still have made him the greatest magnate in England. There was also a ridiculous handling on the circumstance of his death, and this was the most factually wrong part of the book. Between Ankarette being aged down by 4 decades and the whole shmaz with Stillington, I don’t know where to begin. I bet most of you can guess how it was handled. Isabel is as per usual constantly depressed and without a personality because, well, we can’t have her compared to our shining heroine Anne Neville. 3x more beautiful, 5x more vivacious and 20x more significant than her doormat of a sister who complains all day- that is when she isn’t crying. Gahhh. Of course Anne Neville also cries but it’s for her beloved Dickon who she pines for constantly. Look, I have no qualms with romanticising this pairing, but authors need to keep in mind that Anne was like 13 at most when she became estranged from Gloucester. You. Need. To. Stop. Writing. Her. Like. A. Woman. . I don’t care what anyone says, no matter the time period, you can’t make me visualise a 13 year old that could feel romantic love of that deep a devotion and maturity and not send me laughing across the floor. But want to write a strong childish infatuation coming from a place of deep friendship? Fine by me.

Ok, onto more positive characterisation points: I liked Nan, quite a lot actually (I mean blatant daughter favouritism aside). A lot of authors attempt to write the proud noblewoman and great lady character but few pull it off. This is always how I have seen the real Anne Beauchamp and I’m glad to see it here. For a novel so insensitive towards certain figures, the author wrote Nan with great empathy. She was very intelligent but not in that artificial girlboss way, she loved her daughter(s) but in that medieval mother type of way (so no baby brain here), she may have not gotten along splendidly with all the women around her but there was none of that demeaning cattiness. About that, I want to say I was shocked by what a turn her relationship with Margaret of Anjou took. Since the whole Somerset-bastard child plotline was a thing... Nan was initially revolted and lost all her respect for Lancaster, but when the two women find themselves joined by fate they gain this strange mutual respect for one another. They butt heads a bit initially but Margaret of Anjou rises above it for her son’s sake and eventually strikes up an agreement with Nan on when they are to set sail. Margaret first won’t listen to Nan because she thinks she’s a fool but when she eventually slips by to tell Nan that she had thought about her plan and that maybe she’s right, she doesn’t apologise and Nan doesn’t need her to and it’s this weird telepathic understanding from then on and I certainly did not expect to see something like this in this novel. After the landing in England and news of Warwick’s death reaches the party, Margaret doesn’t gloat but diplomatically relays the news and when Nan says she wants to take sanctuary because she lost all heart and can’t fight on, Edward of Lancaster gently says something like: well if you come with us, you’ll at least get your revenge and that’s at least something (paraphrase). You could just tell this was Edward’s way of offering condolences, the type of way a child like him raised through war and promises of vengeance only could, and it was oddly powerful. Shame it couldn’t have happened as Nan and Margaret and Isabel all travelled at seperate times. The whole theme around Nan was that she wasn’t very partisan but only followed her husband as a magnate and then as a man, which I believe and it was great to see Team Lancaster understood Warwick was a seperate entity from York, and for all intents and purposes they were all in this together. Cool-headedness is much needed in this genre I realise, god how low flies the bar ~

Now onto the characterisation most people are wondering about. What of Warwick? He was the saving grace of the novel. He has the common touch yet he is sophisticated, he is idealistic yet he is shrewd, he is impassioned yet collected, he is dramatic yet subtle, he is ... I can go on and on. What is all the affair plot point about then? It doesn’t diminish the bond between the two main characters; to tell you quite truthfully the relationship the author wrote was bizarre yet still really touching. They used to hate eachother because Nan thought herself above him (after all the Warwick earldom was far more valuable than the Salisbury one- remember it was briefly a dukedom at one point), but then she sees what he made of himself and becomes proud of him and falls in love with him. However, he starts to get carried away with his ambitions, gets all-consumed by the legend of Warwick that he had cultivated and essentially becomes impersonal without wanting to (and realising). Nan feels she has lost him to the people of England (which are apparently all hypnotised by his presence, which ok is a fact grounded in history) and because of her wounded pride she starts seeking comfort in his brother (although, it makes little sense how this would work as I would gather he would also be away, especially at the Scottish boarders). When he refuses to support Warwick over Edward later on, she loses all feelings for Montagu and thinks him a coward, and when Warwick apologises for being amiss she realises that this whole time it was him she loved all along and is racked with guilt. I found this exploration of what it is like being wed to a man of such public standing quite interesting, the idea of losing him not to another woman or such but to his cause (which in this book is a mixture of belief in the french alliance, the common weal and subconsciously his own wounded pride brought on by an extreme adherence to inflexible chivalric values on his part and Edward IV’s actions), I confess, is not something I saw portrayed in this particular manner anywhere else. I mean it’s not like I’ve been searching for this particular motif, but this was a refreshing depiction of a medieval couple and it was a poignantly written relationship which the author had me invested in. The relationship was heartfelt because it was very distinct, Nan and Warwick weren’t just some stand-ins for a cash-grab but some consideration was paid to the real historical figures. The John plotline, sure I would in principle protest against something like this but it seems to have had two plot purposes: To illustrate the strain caused by the aforementioned issue and to kick off the whole Edward-Eleanor Butler-Montagu-Nan arc, which bizarre and unbelievable as it was, kept me on my toes. I’ll let it slide. Also, Edward IV was portrayed as quite a chilling villain in this, beholden of this weird mix of indifference, charm and wickedness.

Prose: This is what made me briefly wonder if this book was written by two different people. It failed to engage me in the first half, the descriptions were trite (except for the natural scenery bits), there was very little variety in sentence structures which gave it the stilted heaviness that thus afflicted The Sunne in Splendour (and most modern literature). There was a lot of redundancies eg the type of stuff like ‘whispered quietly’ or ‘yelled loudly’ and the author’s misunderstanding of certain period fashions drew me out eg references to bodices (not a thing then), calling the henin veil a silk scarf etc. She didn’t pull a Penman: exposit emotions to us, making me feel like I walked into a therapy session, but it was often heavy-handed. It first felt very much like an uninspired debut novel. A bit try-hard and I was wondering if this was the way of the bodice ripper... I wouldn’t know, I never read one before (though I’m unsure if this qualifies as it’s really not graphic and the focus is really not on sex nor is there much of it).

However, out of nowhere, the prose suddenly changed a little before half of the way in; colours, emotions, thoughts and the like started to blend masterfully. The sentence structures started varying to convey the way Nan was feeling. It became very show don’t tell, and it drew me in emotionally a bit (I must confess). Of course, that’s also around the point the plot had sort of started redeeming itself. Nan’s grief at her husband’s passing was particularly well conveyed - how she became a husk of her former self... I could read fifty pages of that. Her realisation that it had been him all along was also well written, and you could feel all the urgency and regret she felt at all the time she had wasted disregarding him as the plot grew nearer to Barnet. The mutual longing was also subtle yet strong, and it really was down to the effective use of sentence structure and waylaying of inspired thematic details. The mingling of past memories with present day in her later years was also very well done and with flow, and the adjectives etc used were no longer becoming distracting as before. My favourite part by far was the very last scene when she rides ahead of her escort to Middleham and she imagines a horse riding beside her caparisoned with the Neville standard; you can really feel how this is the first time that she had felt joy in years and she lets the ghost follow her.

... In Conclusion, this novel gave me very mixed feelings. I don’t know if I would have enjoyed it as much as I did had it not been for the fact that I entered it with a massive pre-formed love for the figures. It’s a bit like my experience with ‘Death Be Pardoner to Me’ (review #2 on this tag), was the book actually good or do I just have an affinity for the protagonist (Clarence in that case)? As such, I don’t think I would reccomend it. Indeed I wrote this spoilerish review because I was sure no one would fly off to Amazon after seeing this post. I can’t say if it’s above commercial historical romance in standard as this is the first time I’ve ever read a book from this genre. I think I’ll take a loongg break from historical fiction (after I finish with Jarman) because the Clarence portrayal was a bit of a nail in the coffin for me and I don’t want to continue upsetting myself for no reason. As I have now truly lost hope in reading a balanced depiction of him and if the literature isn’t absolutely expemplary why bother? Nevertheless, Warwick’s portrayal was a saving grace and made it impossible for me to give it two stars - it wasn’t perfect but still the best I’ve read (minus Last of the Barons Ofc). This is also a bit sad when you think about it, Warwick is also due some fictional justice. Even scholarly if you ask me.

The experience was educational as I learned a valuable lesson in what to avoid and include in my writing, what pitfalls/clichés not to fall into etc. I think I can draw another valuable lesson from this: Dear Histfic authors, if you happen to not be historians, heavily-researched in this time period, objective or literarily talented etc don’t take yourself seriously by publishing some tome of a work but just go nuts like this novel. At least this way you’re not sharing misinformation, inducing people into error and your work still gets to be engaging as opposed to a repetition of the previous amateur historical novelist. Yeah. For all the Sunne in Splendour’s superior quality, I must say I prefer this one better.

Tagging @pythionice who I have recently discovered has also read this book! Welcome fellow fan of Warwick <3

#lady-plantagenet’s book reviews #I’m actually embarasses by how long this is #I got into quite the rambling mood oh gosh #I confuse myself #I hope I have amused some of you with this retelling at least it is outrageous lmao #wife to the kingmaker #sandra wilson #george of clarence #isabel neville #anne beauchamp #richard neville earl of warwick #warwick the kingmaker #richard neville #george plantagenet #anne neville #I’ll add read more function tommorow I’m too tired now #sandra heath wilson

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