#i really need a job too but i wanna get my health checked first but the appointments takes forever aUGH

[succikko-nebulae]

halfway into the month and i already have less than 100 on my bank account great

[restinslices]

Lin Kuei Bros: Play Fighting

Smoke so dramatic-. Anyway, don’t ask why I thought of this. The voices were loud

Bi-Han

Play fighting with any of them is bold as fuck but HIM? You don't like your life 

I'm not saying he's gonna straight up assault you but out of all the brothers, he has the highest chance of hitting you hard as shit on accident 

He probably wouldn't even like play fighting that much. He'd prefer sparring cause at least you're working on your skills. Why you just fucking around?

You gotta catch him on the right day. Some days he's busy and some days he's just legit not in the mood. 

“Imma start it off slow. Imma scope the scenery out-”

If you somehow get this man to cooperate, first of all good job. Second of all, y'all do not stop until you give up. 

The type to pin you down and not let go until you admit he won. If you refuse, you're legit not moving. 

This is a big guy so you're not moving him. You give up, he lets go and you manage to crack a smile out of him

We never see him smile in the game but listen bitch, I'm here for the fantasy-

If he's not in the mood, I can see him just saying “no” like you're a puppy or smth. 

You'd go to swing on him again and he'd either grab your hand or give you a look that tells you he's being serious 

Going back to him accidentally hitting you hard as shit, he's used to sparring with two other buff ass men. Imma guess you're not as buff as them, and some of y'all reading this ain't men. Accidents are bound to happen 

You'd think the Grandmaster would have more control but I just think it slips sometimes. He's stupidly prideful and he's used to sparring so sometimes that's where his mind goes. Also once again, he probably sometimes forgets a hit Kuai Liang could handle is a hit that'll take years off your life. 

I would love to say he gets on his knees and apologizes but this is the same man who betrayed his brothers and was like “why y'all tweaking?” so um… 

You're gasping for air and he's “see why I always say no?”

I feel like I'm making him sound abusive but as someone who's play fought with my older siblings, they hit you hard as shit then tell you you're a bitch when a tear slips out. Why the fuck are you hitting me this hard in my chest? You got 5+ years on me-

He's an older brother. He's gonna hit hard. I swear it's in their DNA 

And if he does apologize it's not really verbal. He checks to make sure your limbs are alright then offers to do something else. 

“Are you gonna say you're sorry?” “For?” “For almost breaking my damn lung” “You started this”

You'd expect that the next time you wanna play fight he'd decline cause he doesn't wanna hurt you again. Wrong. 

Remember he's an older brother. THE older brother. Y'all squaring up again. You don't care about your health so fuck it. 

Honestly would be super fun besides the limb you're gonna lose 

Kuai Liang

Would be more cooperative than Bi-Han but still isn't overly excited to play fight 

Bi-Han is the “tell mom. I don't care” older brother. Kuai Liang is the “wait wait wait, I'm sorry. You can hit me back. Calm down. You want some candy?” older brother 

Fully aware he could cause terrible injuries but as time passes on, he relaxes more 

Definitely play fought as a kid but after Tomas started jumping everytime he heard his voice, he thought “maybe I need new hobbies”.

You’ve interrupted his recovery

He actively focuses on holding back and being soft even if you tell him not to

“Hit me harder” “No❤”

Honestly a fun time though. He holds back when it comes to strength but still tussles with you. Also let's you get hits in even when he could easily dodge them. 

If he accidentally injured you frfr, he's checking up on you immediately and says y'all stopping for today. 

“No, I'm ok” “Can you even breathe right now?” “Uhhh… yes😀” “We're done”

For sure feels like an asshole depending on how bad you're hurt. He's not sliding down the wall in pain but he's like “damn, that was a little too hard”. 

“You can hit me back” “No. I've seen Twilight” “What?” “It's gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you. I'm not doing that”. (Now I wanna write you making them watch Twilight. I'm never gonna be rid of this addiction-)

You gotta hit him back so y'all can be even. It's the only way to move on

Y'all are not doing that shit again for at least another week or so. 

“We gotta scrap right here right now” “No”

Does the thing older siblings do when they put their hand on your head so when you swing at them, you're just hitting air. 

It's so infuriating so you gotta stop. 

The next time though, you swear you're gonna win. You will not. 

Tomas Vrbada

The most willing and having the most fun 

Tomas has two older brothers that probably jumped him on several occasions growing up and you're gonna try and convince me he doesn't have aggression to get out?

People would probably expect he's the softest but no. He's the youngest. As the youngest myself I can assure you, we are used to putting our all in these fights cause we gotta use all our strength to defeat these evil mfs we live with. Sometimes it's not enough-

You're not his older sibling so he's not scrapping like his life depends on it but I do think he's hitting somewhat hard 

Not as hard as Bi-Han, not as soft as Kuai Liang 

You feel his hits but it's not knocking the wind outta you 

Super fun cause he's also using the environment. Definitely is grabbing a pillow and starts swinging it at you. Definitely is running around the couch to chase you. Definitely has thrown you but made sure to aim at something soft. He's probably even turned off the lights then threw a folded blanket at you 

“Cheater” “Don't be upset you didn't think of it first”

You're fighting but laughing at the same time. There's no real tension. Just fucking around. 

Probably starts initiating it too

If he does injure you fr, for a split second he'd actually see it as a victory then he'd remember you're not his older brothers and is like “oh shit-”. 

Injuring those two would mean freedom (or a worse jumping. really depends), injuring you is not good. 

He knows how bad those hits can hurt so he makes sure you're alright. He's not watching you as much as Kuai Liang would but he'd still make sure you're not overly sore. 

He doesn't feel as bad as Kuai Liang would cause he kinda knows this shit happens. Kuai Liang kinda got a little bit of guilt cause Tomas gets into a fighting stance when he raises his hand up. Tomas hasn't victimized anyone so he's more chill about these situations 😭

Tells you random ass stories about when he used to play fight with his brothers. 

“One time Bi-Han threw me in the air and Kuai Liang jumped to catch me only to throw me against the wall”

“This reminds me of when Bi-Han swept my feet from under me and Kuai Liang jumped on me”

“What is it called when someone jumps on you elbow first?”

“This one time I woke up to them standing over me. I knew it was a wrap”

“One time Bi-Han slapped the back of my neck so hard, it was red for at least a week”

“One time Kuai Liang-” “Tomas… you need a therapist” “I don't think that's what it is”

Unlike Kuai Liang who makes you wait, he's cool with scrapping days later. 

Actually says “time out” when he wants a break. Also says “time in” fast as fuck though to catch you off guard 

Legit the most fun brother. I don't make the rules (except I do). 

I did not mean to write the least for Kuai Liang but I was really brain empty for him. Y’all should give me ideas, thanks bookie

[tbyfandoms]

I’ve Got You | JJ Maybank x Reader

Pairing: jj maybank x f!reader

Word Count: 3.1k

Summary: struggling with financial burdens, y/n starts to crumble under the pressure. jj notices the girl he loves is hard on her luck, so he does everything he can to help fix it (requested)

Warnings: descriptions of financial struggles and depression, mild swearing

Masterlist/Request Form | Ask/Tell/Request

A/N: hello everybody! it feels great to finally get out my first fic of the new year! things have been kinda crazy irl so I haven't had a ton of time to write, but I just wanna say I appreciate all of your support and patience. when I got this request it really hit home, so I hope the user who requested this enjoys! in other words, I can't wait for s3 of obx to drop this month, I've missed my blondie <3

It was all beginning to be too much. You aren’t quite sure how much more of this you could handle.

Flopping onto your bed, you try your best to not fall asleep right then and there. You’ve just gotten home from a long shift at work, and to say you're drained would be an understatement.

You're not really sure where it all started. At one point you were fine, dealing with finances and typical life whatsits, when suddenly it all came crashing down.

Bills and necessities started pilling up and for some reason everything seemed to be getting more and more expensive. You were doing everything you could; taking on another job, spending less, even selling things you no longer needed. None of it seemed to help, though. You feel like you're being buried under all the pressure, and it doesn't help that it's starting to take a toll on your mental health.

Days and days went by where you would do nothing but go from one job to the next, come home and do what you needed, and then fall asleep. It was all starting to blur, you can't even remember what life was like before this all began. It makes you feel so sad and stressed, but you're not quite sure what else to do.

You're supposed to be hanging out with the Pogues tonight, and you'd promised you'd go since you've missed the last three hangouts to either work or catch up on sleep, but you're struggling to even keep your eyes open right now. Honestly with everything going on lately, you haven’t been one to want to socialize anyways. You can feel yourself pulling away from your friends more and more, but you feel as if you can’t do anything to stop it.

Turning over on your side, you grab your phone and check what time it is. It's early-ish. You could totally rest your eyes for a bit before you get up. Today was just so exhausting, it felt like you pulled a double because one of your co-workers called off and you had to do all their work as well as your own. The whole thing was a total nightmare.

It wouldn't hurt to drift off for a while. If you're a little late to the hangout later it won't be the end of the world. Everyone would probably just brush it off. So far no one's caught on to what's happening in your life and somehow that soothes you. You'd hate to worry any of them, they each have their own problems to deal with and you're not gonna add to the list.

Everything would be fine eventually. Although, from what you can see, it all seems far from fine.

*****

There's a rapid and consistent buzzing coming from your left side, and the feeling has you bolting out of bed.

It takes you a second to regain your balance and whereabouts, but as soon as you do you find yourself filled with panic. It’s darker out now, much darker than it was earlier.

When your eyes adjust to the brightness of your phone you see notifications on top of notifications of missed calls and texts. They’re all from the Pogues wondering where in the hell you are. You were supposed to meet with them hours ago. Shit.

Quickly, you open the groupchat you have with everyone and send a simple but honest text.

Had work today and passed out as soon as I got home. Didn’t realize how late it was. Promise I’ll be at the next hang, sorry!

Hopefully it’s enough to ease their minds. It’s not like you lied either, you really did have work and passed out. Just because you didn’t wanna go in the first place doesn’t mean it’s any less valid.

The thought sort of jars you. You can’t ever think of a time where you didn’t want to spend every moment with your friends, whether it be to surf, party, or just sit with each other. You frown at how much things have changed. You miss-what feels like-the old days, you miss the old you.

Your phone lights up with countless more messages from the Pogues as they take in your response. It's all a bit overwhelming. So, too tired to care you silence your phone and toss it aside. Just like everything else that isn't work, sleep, or bills; you could deal with it later.

Stomach growling, you decide you should get up and try to find something to eat. Making your way to the kitchen you think over everything you have to choose from, which isn't much.

Opening the fridge, your thoughts are further confirmed. It's practically a ghost town in this thing. You haven't had a chance to stop at the grocery store lately so there's not a whole lot to make. It's not like you have the money to go anyways.

Sighing, you close the fridge door and try to be creative with your limited options. Before you can even start to brainstorm though, there's several knocks at the front door.

Your eyebrows knit in confusion as you wonder who in the world it could be. You're definitely not expecting anyone, especially this late at night.

Slowly creeping to the front door, you nearly jump as more incessant knocking rings out through the house. Looking through the peephole your nerves both settle and start up again at the sight.

It's JJ. You know exactly why he's here before you even open the door, and that thought alone makes you nervous. You really don't feel like explaining yourself any further than what you sent in the groupchat, but it looks like that's finally starting to be unavoidable.

"JJ,' you say as you open the door, feigning as much joy as possible to try and throw him off. "What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? Y/N, what are you doing here? You were supposed to meet us hours ago and you never showed up."

The blonde lets himself in as he brushes past you. Blinking several times at the sudden intrusion, you close the door and begin to repeat yet again why you weren't there. "I told you-"

"No, don't. I don't want to her that bullshit excuse you sent in the groupchat because that's exactly what it is; bullshit."

Irritation flutters through your body as you take in JJ's words. "It's not bullshit, JJ! I did work today and just like I told you I passed out afterwards because of how exhausted I was! I can show you my damn timecard if you don't believe me."

Rolling your eyes you start to open the front door again, thinking it's high time JJ left. He's definitely overstayed his welcome if this is how he's gonna act.

"You know what? I think I would like to see your timecard. How about you show me all your timecards from the past week, month even!? Because it seems like all you do now is work."

The boy's words stop you in your tracks, hand on the doorknob. "I-I do not work all the time." You wince at your lack of confidence. You don't dare to turn towards JJ, knowing he'll instantly be able to tell you're lying.

"Yes you do, either that or you're lying to us, to me, about where you are every time we try to hang out or when I'm just checking in with you. There's clearly something going on." JJ's tone goes soft, concern seeping through his words as he continues. "Please look at me, Y/N."

Slowly, you turn towards him. You're trying your best to fight back tears, every instance of JJ or the others texting you flooding your mind. Every time you told them you had work when they tried to plan something or when you would cancel on them at the last minute when an extra shift opened up.

You thought you were doing good with hiding your problems and your excessive work and sleep schedule, but clearly you were wrong.

"There's nothing going on, J. I just get a lot of shifts at work, it's no big deal." Your voice gives at the end and you clear your throat to try and cover it up, but from the look on JJ's face, he's not believing any of it.

"C'mon, don't you think I know when there's something wrong with my girl?" The endearment has your eyes shooting to his, another sudden rush of emotion clogging your system. It's all too much to hold in, and you can feel the dam about to burst.

JJ apparently notices this too, because not a second later he's rushing forwards, his arms wrapping around you instantly. His warmth and familiar scent circling you.

The tears fall freely down your cheeks, soaking into JJ's soft, cotton shirt. Weeks worth of pent up emotion ravages your body, leaving you shaking and drained.

JJ leads you to the couch, sitting you both down but not letting go of you for even a moment. "Tell me what's wrong. I can't stand to see you like this."

Looking up at JJ, you try to regain your composure as he wipes away the tears on your cheeks. The subtle brush of his thumbs across your skin has you feeling warm and safe.

It's evident by the look on his face that the blonde isn't going to let this go. He'll sit here all night with you if he has to, that's how much he cares and how much he's worried about you.

There's a part of you, albeit small, that knows you should've confided in your friends about everything going on, should've confided in JJ at the very least. After everything you've been through together it should've been a given that you couldn't keep something from him for long.

Shaking your head, you try to think of where the hell to start. How do you just come out and tell someone you care so deeply for that you're struggling financially? Mentally? And that you have been for months?

Considering you don't even know where everything began, you just try you best to recount when it all started weighing heavily on you. You tell JJ about all the bills, about taking on a second job just to barely make ends meet. You tell him how depressed you've felt, how closed off, how tired.

It makes your heart hurt how JJ's eyes gloss over, how he shakes his head and scoffs in disbelief over everything. You know you're struggling badly right now, but to see how it effects someone when you finally say it all out loud makes it seem so much more real.

"I can't believe you've had to deal with all that, that you're still dealing with it." The blonde takes off the red hat he's wearing and runs his fingers through the waves that have been hidden there. "Why-Why didn't you tell me?"

Shrugging your shoulders, you bite your bottom lip to try and hold back the tears threatening to spill again. "I guess I just thought it wasn't worth it. I know you guys have things of your own to deal with, especially you, and I didn't want to add on any more burdens."

"Hey, no, none of that." JJ shakes his head and reaches out to hold your face within his hands. "Don't ever think that you can't come to me with something like this. Sure I've got a dead beat dad to deal with, but that's nothing I can't handle. I wouldn't let anything come between me being there for you. You're not a burden, not even a little bit. Especially not when you're dealing with something like this."

Overcome with emotions, all you can manage is a nod along with a smile, your heart feeing so full and so unlike what's it felt like for ages. Although everything is far from being solved, it's nice to know you have people to lean on, that there's someone who would do anything for you when it feels like you've been alone for so long.

Removing his hands from your face and wrapping them around you once more, JJ hums into the side of your head and you can't help but to let out a long sigh, trying to let go for just a moment and be here. It feels good to be wrapped in the Pogue's arms. To be honest, you could stay like this forever.

Before long, your mind is back to worrying about everything going on, about your difficult situation and how there seems to be no end in sight. "What am I gonna do, JJ?" You whisper while holding the boy a little closer, needing to feel grounded somehow.

Devastated by the broken sound of your voice and heartbreaking situation, JJ does his best to rack his mind of what he could do to help you. He'd offer you all the money he's got, but he knows you'd never accept it, not even as a gift. You're too proud and selfless to ever take money from anyone, especially not your best friends.

The boy grows restless, frustration and sorrow coursing through his body as your story replays in his mind. He can't wrap his head around how this has happened to you. Sure, it's not uncommon for those who live in Outer Banks, but the fact it's you rips him to shreds.

JJ thinks back on what he did when he was strapped for cash. Back to when he had to pick up the slack every time his old man went on a weeklong binge and didn't go to work for weeks on end. Suddenly, an idea comes to mind and the blonde rushes to offer it to you.

"What if-what if I talked to my boss to see if we can get you a serving gig or something where I work?"

You look up at JJ with skeptical eyes, not sure if what he's saying could really happen. "I don't know, J. I mean, are you sure? I tried to get in there when I was looking for a better job, but they weren't hiring."

"Yeah! I know I'm shit for a busboy but my word is good, and with your references you'd definitely get in! One of our servers just quit to go back to the mainland because she couldn't handle island life anymore, so it's perfect!"

You can't help the giggle that slips past your lips. This one sure has a way with words.

"C'mon, Y/N, it would be great for you. The pay is way better than the jobs you have now and the servers even get tips. You wouldn't have to have two jobs anymore and could worry a little less about bringing in money. The worst thing you'd have to deal with is the Kooks, but you know how to handle them better than anyone." A coy smile plays at the edge of JJ's pink lips. "Plus, you'd be able to see me a lot more too."

"Okay, I'd love that, thank you" you reply shyly. Looking away from JJ for a minute, you can't help the doubt creeping in all over again. "What if it doesn't work out, though? What if your boss already found someone. I can't be without a job, JJ. I need to make sure-"

JJ grabs your face, holding it in his hands just like he did earlier. The warmth instantly filling in the cold spots the fear began to create. "They didn't and you won't be. No matter what happens you still have the two jobs you've got now, but hell I'd quit and let you have my job if it means you can stop struggling with those. I mean it when I say, I've got you."

The boy flashes you a smile before leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on your forehead, doing anything to try and get you to feel better. Luckily, it works. You smile back and lean into one of his hands as heat rushes to your face.

"You really know how to make a girl feel better don't you, Maybank?" There's a hint of teasing in your tone, but you truly mean it as well. People may say JJ is a lot of things, but they can never say he's not a good friend.

"Anything for you, baby," he winks. Rolling your eyes, you push away from the blonde before he can get too cocky over the way he makes you feel. There's a smirk on your lips as you walk back towards the kitchen, stomach fluttering for more reasons than just being hungry.

Opening the fridge, you try to scrounge up an idea for what you can offer JJ. "You want anything to eat or drink? There's not much but I'm sure we can think of something."

"Yeah, starved! Forget cooking, though, you don't need to do all that. Let's go to The Wreck, you know I would die for one of Mr. C's burgers."

Laughing, you nod your head as you close the fridge and make your way to the front door. "That actually sounds amazing, let's go."

"Hey," JJ says, stopping you as you put your shoes on. "And don't worry, it's on me."

Tilting your head to the side, you look quizzically at the boy in front of you. "Kie's parents don't even charge us when we eat there?"

"Okay, yeah, but it's the thought that counts, right?"

"You're such an idiot," you laugh. JJ smiles at the sound and at the sight of your eyes gaining back a little bit of that sparkle he hasn't seen in a long time.

"But you still love me, though," he replies, not even needing to ask if that's true as he opens the door for you.

"I sure do."

As you make yourself comfortable behind JJ on his motorbike, you do your best to try and get your mind off everything. It's been hard to feel any sort of ease for as long as you've been dealing with this stuff, but with JJ it feels like for once you can just settle.

You have no idea if JJ's serving idea is gonna work out or what's gonna happen tomorrow. But you know at the end of the day you'll still have him, still have your friends, to help you figure it all out.

It's hard to open up about it all, but there's a part of you that knows it was the right thing to do with JJ. He's the greatest person you've ever met, and you wouldn't trade him for the world. And just like he said earlier, he's got you, and that's all that really matters.

[nonsensical-questions]

Errmmm annual update,

How are things goin for ya (not about sensetale specifically, just in general)

I appreciate the general check up as i haven't posted anything in a bit, but for a little update i guess, got a new job, pays me more and doesn't give me as many hours, this is a good thing as i can pay my bills just fine without having to work as much, but i am getting called in a lot and i need more money in general so i'm sorta trying to build stuff up... got a new name, i'm still keeping my old one i just have two first names i switch between now so that was funky but it made me feel a little better so it's nice got on HRT a while ago and it's fucking with me emotionally i think either that or i'm experiencing periods as it's not all the time, but it's too soon to tell if it's this or that so right now i'm just enjoying the general effects of it and learning how to deal with stronger emotions, this is a good thing i no longer feel as dysphoric about myself but it still comes from time to time as for projects and stuff i'm working on? got quiet the load honestly, no progress on sensetale for mental health and general self confidence issues, it's still on hiatus until i can get good enough to make the sprites i need or find someone willing to help me out but in non-sensetale related projects... well... i did wanna keep some stuff a secret but some of these have been in the work for a while so... what the hell might as well show some off I appreciate the general check up as i haven't posted anything in a bit, but for a little update i guess, got a new job, pays me more and doesn't give me as many hours, this is a good thing as i can pay my bills just fine without having to work as much, but i am getting called in a lot and i need more money in general so i'm sorta trying to build stuff up... got a new name, i'm still keeping my old one i just have two first names i switch between now so that was funky but it made me feel a little better so it's nice got on HRT a while ago and it's fucking with me emotionally i think either that or i'm experiencing periods as it's not all the time, but it's too soon to tell if it's this or that so right now i'm just enjoying the general effects of it and learning how to deal with stronger emotions, this is a good thing i no longer feel as dysphoric about myself but it still comes from time to time as for projects and stuff i'm working on? got quiet the load honestly, no progress on sensetale for mental health and general self confidence issues, it's still on hiatus until i can get good enough to make the sprites i need or find someone willing to help me out but in non-sensetale related projects... well... i did wanna keep some stuff a secret but some of these have been in the work for a while so... what the hell might as well show some off

vs. mad mew mew genocide route edition! i love mew mew as a character and i've been really inspired to make something relating to her i just didn't know what to, well recently i got my insperation and have been coding it out, don't know what the ending is currently but i have a rough idea of what i want to do, hopefully you will all enjoy it the song is Dummy! from UNDERTALE: Alternate, thank them so much for letting me use the song! couldn't hope for a more fitting battle theme that just so happened to accidently match with the character i was making the fight for lol I have more projects i'd love to show off but tumblr only allows for 1 video so you'll have to have the shitty gifs instead

after undertale yellow released I loved the concept of everything so much but i really wish some more attention to the lore had been put in, but hey there was still some really cool stuff they did like i loved the guns and ammo types, so i decided to work on what it would look like for the blue soul which i nicknamed melody as her healing things are music notes and clovers are well clovers, this spawned a whole thing where i started making characters and ideas and... honestly i don't think it will go anywhere soon.... if at all but hey a mouse can dream huh? well i might as well show off some characters with little to no context huh?

not all of these are major characters but just stuff I wanted to show off, if people wanna make art or ask about it, the au name is official "Undertale: Era of Integrity" but for now you just get the designs and simple mechanics that i showed off, i have more to talk about

an underfell project! this was mainly learning to code KR and fuck around with my idea of an underfell au that takes the canon version and makes small tweaks here and there, i made some sprites to show what i mean

again not really giving out much info, if people wanna know more let me know i guess! no official name just some underfell concepts i've been working on I do wanna make some playable fights eventually but i'd need to work out some kinks first to make it all work some other projects that feel too small to sorta show off stuff of are a Tale's end sans fight (like from the comic) i was working on with friskbits actually helping quiet a lot and a help_tale sixbones fight (again from the comic) both are almost done but also both have big hurdles i'll need to get past before i finish it, for tale's end it's just... writing, frisky is normally busy and i had major writers block, writing for what you may ask? the comic surely has most of what i need right? haha I wish, there are so many options and it all comes back to that stupid flower, i have like 20 endings based on if you kill or not and then reset and do a certain action, I have the main endings coded but the great flowey remembering my resets makes it way harder to actually finalize the sixbones fight is mainly the absorb stuff, as we never saw that in the comic so i sorta had to improvise and making it looks cool! but I'm sorta just winging it i guess i'm also working on a mettaton date, this one with an overworld, you know how alphys, undyne, and papyrus all got dates? oh and sans too sorta, well toby literally mentioned dating mettaton on the kickstarter and never delivered! so i'm doing it myself, date the sexy rectangle... eventually i'm still on the overworld stuff and need to finish designing mettatons room fully, i'd show some stuff off but i'm not sure how long it's gonna be plus this post is already hella long so just gonna cut this here and maybe talk about it later there is some other stuff here and there but it's mainly just ideas, I had an idea of something something deltatravelers something something OFF but i'm prob not even gonna do that, maybe i'll make some sketches or mock ups for it later but eh i wanna finish projects first i have too many on my plate currently I know a lot of people might be mad, that i'm working on other projects and stuff while im supposed to be working on sensetale, but I'm trying to improve skills and general get better at making the content so people can enjoy it more, and when i was ready i would try and work more on sensetale maybe remake the area do new poses make new characters or sprite something unique and cool, one of the reasons i don't post or even answer questions on this is i don't want to get people's hopes up that this will return soon, i really want it to return soon but I don't have the resources or time to commit to it I had a thought that maybe, I should make this a general au project stuff, so I can show off more stuff and see what people like but i've had 20 or so projects i've never finished. I wouldn't want to show all this cool stuff off and never deliver on it. But perhaps if that is what would everyone would enjoy more, seeing progress and stuff i'm working on, if people would be okay not seeing sensetale in favor of more content? just food for thought, i want to see what people think before i act.

[writefinch]

FRIENDLY CHAT

Hey! Sorry to pull you in here before your break, we just need a quick chat. So, long story short, uh, a customer complained that you point-blank offered him a condom.

This isn't the first time. You know it's against company policy. You're only supposed to get them if the customer requests it first. Like, you're not even supposed to have them on display. I know that part is stupid, but if the regional manager checks the tapes and sees condom bowls in plain view, I'd still get written up.

No, no, absolutely not, I'm not going to write you up. I don't think it's necessary and you know it goes totally against my management style. I want to talk through your concerns.

I wanna remind you that we take all the recommended industry-standard precautions. In fact we go above them! First off, you're fully vaxxed, and that's the end of ninety percent of things to worry about, period. You've got an IUD on the company health plan, even though your T-shots probably suppress it. The customers get a physical screen in the waiting area. All us boys and girlies get tested every three weeks, twice as frequent as the industry standard.

That's already extensive, it makes you safer than the vast majority of people in our line of work. If we did any more, customers will get the wrong idea. They'll think we're an unclean brothel with unclean customers. It'd remind them too much of all the you-know-what from the past few years.

Yes, you're not wrong about that. Breakthrough infections happen, and people get sick. But you know what I'm gonna say? You're very robust, you know that? You've been here for what, eighteen months, you've been pulling long hours and beacoup extra shifts and you've barely caught a sniffle. The testosterone must be helping!

Now you might not stay this lucky forever, that's why we have six paid sick days and a flexible admin rota. Usually when you catch something it'll be a mild itch and trouble peeing. You won't even wanna rest, and yeah you won't get the full rate for paid clients, you can still get paid to do the laundry and the paperwork for a week while it clears up.

Every year I get a couple of colds from my kids and take three or four days off, and every year I always get a VD from one of the clients and spend a week washing sheets and cleaning dildos. You know what that gives me? Two or three days rolled over into vacation time!

Yes, you can get unlucky. You can get a couple of back-to-back infections. I tell every boy and girl who starts here the same thing: before they take out a loan on a new car or move out of their toxic roommate situation, make sure to get two weeks pay in a savings account. Even if you do have to dip into your rainy day fund, you know full well that there's always extra shifts to pick up around here.

Yeah, you can catch something nasty. You can have a bad reaction. We all remember how scary it was before the vaccines were available. But here's the thing: you drive to work, right? You're on the freeway twice a day. Forty-thousand people die every year in car crashes, and tens of thousands more get life-changing injuries. You don't spend every day worrying about that, right?

You just get on with it and live your life.

Look, I'm really sorry about this whole thing. You're really special to me, you know that? You're a genuine friend to me, I mean that. We get on really well, all the girls love you, you're a hit with clients and that's why I jumped on this y'know? This job is only as fun as the people here make it, and I don't want to see you written up for something that can be talked out.

Discipline here is so stupid. I'm fucking sick of the owners hassling girls, and boys, out of working here and then crying and bitching when we can't meet customer demand.

I said I'd be out of here as soon as I get my HVAC cert but if they put us all through that again I'll just quit on the spot. That's why I want to look out for you. You've helped me through some really difficult times, on shift and off. I wouldn't have been able to get through junket season without you. I'm serious, if you hadn't joined when you did, there'd be gun laws named after me.

Thanks for listening, and again, I'm sorry for even bringing this stuff up. Just promise you'll keep what I've said in mind? We've all got to look out for each other here.

Hey, once you're back from break, can I have your help with something? I've got a no-refusal client and well, all the other girls refused. What? No I don't want you to take him, c'mon man I'm not gonna let you off a written warning to guilt you into picking up my shit, honestly! No, I'm the supervisor on shift so it's up to me.

Anyway he's not into boys, even pretty ones like you, sorry. But he's a real charmer, so would you mind sticking close in case he starts throwing up or throwing hands? If I have to hit the panic button I think Sergei will throw him out of a window, and nobody needs that headache.

Thanks, I really appreciate it. We'll be in the spa room, so let me know when you're ready to play pool boy…

[orangepunkwitch-blog]

Sharing this here in case any Lokean followers haven't seen this yet.

Everything Ocean Keltoi has explained, I already knew, but it's nice to hear him not only say it, but have all the points together in one video.

And as someone who, while a newbie Pagan, encountered and started working with Loki first, I never EVER got the whole anti-Loki stance some Heathens have (despite never interacting with them; I've only ever heard of them or saw comment threads and the like online).

The first I've ever heard of Loki was when I was a kid and heard his name mentioned in The Mask. A god that creates such a mask because he thought that was funny? I loved that concept as a kid (and my weird-ass logic made me think I wasn't allowed to convert since I was baptized in the Serbian Orthodox church; my parents never made it seem okay to explore other beliefs... ever). When I became a fully developed adult and my brother passed away in 2011, I became agnostic, until I once expressed to a friend that I wished one could still worship old gods again, because the Norse gods sounded so much nicer than the biblical god. That's when she told me that that's a thing, and I discovered what paganism was. And then I made it a point that, while I will open myself to any of the gods who listened (and even said to them it's okay if they don't want to interact with me, since I'm so used to no god ever listening to me), I still hoped Loki would be the one to answer, because I'd prefer a god with a sense of humor who doesn't judge a mortal for simply being human. The rest is history.

I've had 2 instances where I've asked him for help, as I was desperate and didn't know what else to do and couldn't figure things out for myself. Both times he helped, it sort of put me almost in a state of madness because of HOW he helped (he's helped me with some small stuff too but sometimes the big stuff is.. a LOT). The first one was we were not able to afford rent anymore, as rent kept going up while my muž and I lived in Pittsburgh, so I asked for help, thinking he'd either help with our financial situation (namely I was hoping for a decent-paying job similar to what my muž made) so we could afford to rent elsewhere or that a place would become available that had significantly lower rent. You know, something like that. Instead, he gave us bedbugs. Because he KNEW that our only option was to move in with my parents and I didn't want to resort to that, so he forced my hand. His reasoning roughly being, "It's either the bedbugs or a fire in the building, and I REALLY don't wanna be that guy, so you got bedbugs."

The second time, without going into detail, he induced a non-threatening medical "emergency" (as in, give me a spook bad enough to warrant my first trip in an ambulance) to get the ball rolling to lead me to getting the surgery I needed for my endometriosis. His reasoning being, "You finally have health insurance and there are vaccines available. You have no excuse now. Not even this pandemic."

I'm doing much better now and it's thanks to Loki. He basically was the kick in my ass needed to make the only decision that would actually work out for me, even if I didn't think it would.

Despite making my practice something along the lines of "Serbian Polytheism Pagan Edition," Loki is still in my practice, and helped me learn an awful lot regarding non-xtian beliefs and beings, including and especially the Trickster archetype.

Any Heathen that bans Loki, avoids him, etc. either have a lot of xtian baggage that they still need to work through, or they're the type of people that don't like being held accountable for their actions and kept in check. Xtianity (as it is commonly practiced and forced onto people by power-hungry assholes) has really affected how many look at non-xtian beliefs, because everything has to be compared to xtianity (even some atheists are guilty of this because everything is xtianity to them).

Lately, I haven't had a whole lot of interactions with Loki I feel could be worth-sharing because I'm not having a whole lot of interactions with him in general the past few years (except for everything regarding me getting my surgery) and that's because the gods are giving me space to learn and grow and figure some stuff out on my own. I do chat with them from time to time via divination, but in terms of actions, they're letting me do my thing for a bit.

[raewritesfiction]

Cuddles [Jeremy Renner Imagine - fluff]

A/N: I think we all deserve some fluff, I’m not the best with fluff but we’ll see where this goes. I’m gonnabe drawing on some personal feelings I’ve had recently so please check the warnings. As always I’m sorry about the layout editing.

Plot: reader is in an established relationship with Jeremy Renner and has had a rough time, they just need some cuddles and reassurance.

Pairing: Female! Reader X Jeremy Renner

Warnings: talk of mental health issues (suicidal ideations, self harm, self destruction etc - it MAY get heavy but I’ll try and keep everything as simple and not too in depth as possible). Angsty at points but I promise there is good fluff!!!

[[ Lemme know if you wanna be added or removed from tags; no questions asked ♥️ likes are amazing however I really appreciate Reblogs to help spread my writing further! Thank you 🌈😘]]

Tag List: @jaseminedenise @nikkitasevoli @iraniq @snewsome756 @vikki-rogue @amelia-in-w0nderland @pandaliciouz @crispyimagines17 @marie-is-blogging @bonniebird @nutinanutshell @louise-buchan @differentcatcat @madsadgenius @dreamlesswonder86 @libellule2001 @purplerain85 @lipstickandtanqueray

—

The day had passed at a snail’s pace; just like every other day before it for the last two months. You’d taken whatever jobs you could get after being let go from your career position of six years. The jobs sucked and the people sucked more but you needed the cash.

When it had all started, your boyfriend had promised you’d never need or want for anything and that he’d take care of you. You’d ended up in a shouting match, sobbing that you needed your independence and your own income. He had agreed completely and said he never meant it as a long term comment; it was just so you didn’t have to rush into taking whatever. He’d held you as you cried about all the what ifs running through your head and had whispered sweet everythings to help you calm.

The first three weeks had been, admittedly, blissful. You’d had time to yourself to do all the little things you wanted; take up forgotten hobbies and meet up with friends for a catch up. It took that first week for you to realise that your career had stolen time from you and maybe this was a good thing.

By the second week you had been lonely and craved daily human contact. Your boyfriend had been between the music studio and press appointments for the second series of a programme he was starring in. You’d never had an issue with his work and could usually deal with it well. But that was when you were out daily and doing your job and taking your mind off of everything.

Jeremy would still call you daily and you’d see each other every weekend as planned but your mind was playing tricks on you and making you believe you were worthless because you weren’t working. You weren’t earning your money; it was just being given to you like your boyfriend was your sugar daddy. ‘You’re not doing anything to deserve this!’ Your mind told you over and over. ‘You’re worthless because nobody wants to employ you.’ ‘You’re dispensable.’

You spent a solid week applying for whatever job you were capable of doing and had then ended up hopping from job to job for three months until you had been placed in a warehouse by an agency. Your first two days had been all your training, the rest was on the job and you quickly learned that the moment you clocked in on day three, you were never “off the clock” and even your toilet breaks were timed.

Jeremy had sat and listened to all the things you were learning and was happy you were feeling more yourself, even if it did mean you were physically and emotionally exhausted after your fourteen hour shifts, six days a week.

Your sex life had dwindled but Jeremy had insisted it was absolutely fine and he wasn’t going anywhere; he was happy to cuddle up and hold you. Soon your six day weeks turned into seven and you hadn’t seen Jeremy now for over a month. Your mental health was taking a high dive and you were still falling. The calls and texts were everything you held on to just to keep you feeling a little more sane. You were still with the work agency and you pleaded to be placed anywhere else as long as it wasn’t in a warehouse you even told them you’d take a pay cut as long as it got you out; but there was nothing else available and if you left the job the agency would dismiss you from their services too.

You didn’t want to admit defeat. You were strong and capable and you wanted - no, you needed - to make your own money but you wanted at least a little life back to yourself. You debated on pulling a couple of sick days but reading up on your contract you were reminded that could end in dismissal unless you could get a doctors note.

It was Thursday and your alarm was beeping incessantly at you; it had been for the last half an hour. The frantic beeping was just another reminder that the only good thing in your life was a boyfriend you hadn’t seen in nearly six weeks, a boyfriend you were sure would find someone else soon. Why wouldn’t he? You never had time for him and when you did talk all you did was fall asleep on FaceTime. He said he didn’t mind but was it just words? You could say you were a heart surgeon but it didn’t make it true.

The alarm stepped up it’s beeping and your fist landed heavy on it; the room fell into silence and you lay staring at your ceiling wondering how much longer you could do this. How much longer could you go on with this monotonous bullshit? Was the money really worth it? It barely covered your bills and Jeremy was still buying most of your groceries for you. Fleeting thoughts crossed your mind about what would happen if you just stopped existing? Would you really be missed? Your job would just replace you with another desperate drone and Jeremy would be sad but he’d move on.

Your phone ringing brought you back to your current reality. The screen showed a picture of your boyfriend smiling back at you; a picture you had taken on your first date. It reminded you of the fairground you had wandered around together eating candy floss and playing stupid games at the stalls.

You answered just before it rang off and you couldn’t hide your exhaustion from your quiet “hello.” Jeremy spoke softly but with authority, telling you that you’re not going back to the warehouse under any circumstances and that he wanted his girlfriend back. He told you he would be over in an hour and to throw on whatever you were comfortable wearing. You couldn’t think of anything else to say except “thank you” as you held back tears.

Jeremy arrived an hour later to find you in his tee and a pair of your comfiest sweats. You hadn’t showered in three days and you knew full well you were a complete mess but you also couldn’t bring yourself to shower before he arrived.

You barely let him walk through the door before you were collapsing into his arms and sobbing against his shoulder. Jeremy wrapped his arms around you tight and held you close, it was the kind of hug that made all your broken parts squish back together while his soft whispers of loving words were the superglue that held them back in place for good. Weeks of anger, depression and frustrations leaked from your eyes and onto his t-shirt. He just stroked your greasy hair back and kissed your temple softly before wiping your cheeks of the tears.

“Let’s get you feeling better, okay baby girl?” He keeps his voice soft and presses a kiss to your lips before helping you stand.

As Jeremy went about his plans you realised he really was the man of your dreams. He ran you a warm bubble bath and added a special blend of salts and oils into the water. As you soaked in the steamy room he fixed back your hair and gently washed your face; a light exfoliation, face mask, eye patches, cleanser and moisturiser. While your face was fixing itself under the mask and eye patches Jeremy had moved to massaging your hands and arms.

A giggle escaped you when he reached your upper inner arm and you could practically hear the smile as he spoke “I’ve missed that sound..”

Placing your arms back down into the water he sits on one edge of the bath and lifts your leg out the water.

“Oh I uh…” you go to sit up in a panic. You’d never let him see you unshaven.

“Sshh, sit back. Sit back baby, it’s okay.”

“But, I’m hairy!” You lift an eye patch to see him.

“So? It’s just hair! I don’t care.”

“But…”

“Would it make you more comfortable if your legs were shaved and hair free?”

You thought for a moment and shrugged “I… do it for you��”

Jeremy tilts his head and looks to you “lay back, I don’t care about hairy legs or anything else.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. Now lay back and relax.” As you do so, Jeremy exfoliates your legs and moves on to massage them with some of the oil he added to the water, moving down to your feet and enjoying the giggles he inadvertently pulls from you when he presses just a little too lightly.

After your bath you sit wrapped in your towel on a chair Jeremy had brought from his home, he gently leaned you back so your head rested over the bath and used the showerhead to wash your hair. The man doesn’t miss a step and gives you a head massage that felt so good you were moaning quietly.

“Good job you’re already sat in a towel..” he smiles and rinses out your locks, gently combing them to detangle before wrapping your head in a warm dry towel. Helping you sit up, Jeremy wheels you a small way across to your counter where he had set up a make shift beauty station.

“What’s all this?” You frown.

“Gonna finish that facial I started in the bath..” he smiles and stands behind you, leaning your head back against him before proceeding to slowly and gently massage over your face, painlessly pluck a few stray hairs and moisturise you again. Once your neck was also massaged his hands moved down to your shoulders and the back of your neck. His fingers were the embodiment of magic and you hadn’t realised just how much you needed this. He made no comments about tension, stress or muscle knots. You knew full well there was much of all the above before he touched you. He hummed and sang quietly to you while his hands relieved your shoulders of all your carried burdens.

Jeremy tidied the bathroom while you pulled on some fresh clothes, including the hoodie he had worn when he arrived. It was oversized on you and smelt of his cologne; a smell that you had missed and brought tears to your eyes when it wrapped you up.

The rest of the day was spent saying little, eating whatever food and snacks you had available and watching the worst horror movies you could find. Jeremy never let you go the entire time and when you did start talking be listened quietly and squeezed your hand to let you know it was okay, light kisses were fluttered on to your forehead and he waited for you to be silent before asking you if you wanted any help with any part of your worries. He didn’t want to overstep or make an assumption again.

“I just… tell me everything will be okay? Please? We’ll figure stuff out tomorrow but for now, please just tell me I’ll be okay.”

Jeremy folded his arms tight around you and held you close, tilting your face so his eyes could meet yours. “You will be okay. You will get through this.”

You lean your head back down and bury your face against the crook of his neck. “Thank you. That’s all I need right now.”

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

Kenma hanging out with his 6 month old baby because her mom went to work (training is very rough now!!)

9:00 AM

“ Kenma!”

“ yes babe?”

He asks leaving the bedroom.

“ Are you really busy today?? I can’t leave karrie (THATS HER NAME OKAY) to kuro cause he said he’ll be having a meeting, and akaashi said his mental health is lower than the gas prices so he can’t take care of a child right now, but anyways can you take care of her??”

“ sure babe. I just have to go to some proposals and meetings and stream until 11pm.”

“Okay! I’ll be home around 6:30 be responsible kenma!”

“ Bye! say bye karrie.”

Your husband gets his daughter’s hand and makes a wave motion.

(Baby Karrie’s POV)

10:00 AM

You’re stuck in an uncomfortable baby seat in a car where the air freshener smells like cake.

You wail.

“ whats wrong sweetheart? C’mere”

your dad then lowers the air conditioning (he thinks it’s getting too cold and he unfortunately forgot to bought an extra blanket) (you threw up on the first one)

“ Okay we’re here. If anyone looks at you weirdly just wail at their faces.” He chuckles.

“ okay everyone, what’s up? What’s the new idea?”

“ KENMA IS THAT UR KID? OH MY GOD SHE LOOKS LIKE YOU SO MUCH.” Hinata says.

 “ SEE? SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL” kuro adds.

 “ We’re getting a little bit off-topic here guys.”

Akaashi says.

“ Can we get mcdonalds?” Bokuto asks.

“ Can you all tell me why I’m here instead of making my wailing daughter go to bed??”

“ CAN WE ADD SPARKLY CAPES TO OUR UNIFORMS??”

Bokuto asks.

“ THAT WOULD BE SO COOL CAN WE DO THAT?”

Hinata adds.

“ first off, stop yelling you’re scaring my child, second, you guys are volleyball players not superman.”

“ anything else?”

Kenma asks, getting impatient yet his daughter was chewing on the blonde tips of his hair.

“ CAN WE DO AN AD?” Bokuto says.

“For?”

“ IDK ANYTHING ELSE?”

You see your father touching the bride of his nose.

You kept on babbling random things until-

“ dada??”

“Yes- wait what?” 

“ Oh my GOD! SHE SAID HER FIRST WORD!” Bokuto screams.

“ I am so proud of that baby!” 

Kuro says.

Akaashi fell asleep on the table while hinata broke the water dispenser (its leaking on the floor) bokuto’s drawing on the whiteboard explain how having sparkly capes on uniforms would make their performance better (newsflash he most likely would trip on them)

12:00 PM

(Lunch!)

“ I’m getting hungry and those guys wasted OUR time when we could be playing games, wanna eat fruits and lunch??”

You pointed to the chips.

“ these?? I don’t think you can have these.. but heres a peice of orange.”

(Kenma’s Point of View)

1:00pm

“ We’re finally home, thank goodness, you tired sweetheart?”

You put your tired daughter on the crib, it’s nice seeing her be peaceful for a while. she looks like her beautiful mother.

As the computer opens, you post an announcement saying you’ll be streaming at 4PM ( hoping your daughter is awake by then)

2:00 PM

(Kenma’s POV)

As you prepare to stream (updating games, preparing snacks and water also 3 cans of energy drinks and somehow a bag of chips bigger than your daughter)

You get a phone call.

“ Hey honey!”

“ hey babe? Hows work?”

“ Yeah it’s good, its just that-“

You hear what’s probably sakusa and atsumu screaming at each other, kageyama and hinata not agreeing to a single thing, and bokuto on the corner who managed to squeeze himself there.

“ Y’know you could quit, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“ silly. I can’t! I like this job, these idiots are my friends, and so are yours too.”

“ I got to go babie! Bye!”

“Bye.” You say dropping the call.

3:00 PM

Just an hour left, you started the stream with a timer popping up (R THOSE RIGHT I SEE PEEPS ON TWITCH DOING THOSE)

Getting all the stuff you need on a small table next to your desk, You kinda feel lonely, your daughter is sleeping and your wife is hanging out with her friends.

“She’s better with me.”

“I miss her so much.”

4:00 PM

(kenma’s pov)

“ she’s not awake yet? That’s weird.”

You check on your daughter on the other room ( she’s still there don’t worry)

“ that’s rare.”

As the stream starts everyone and the chat goes loud.

“ hey guys. What’s up?”

After 30 minutes of being focused on a game, you check up on your daughter again.

“ She’s still asleep?? Is this even normal? She’s not crying as if we’re cooking her alive??? wow!”

He goes back to the room.

“ sorry to keep you guys waiting. Let’s continue this.”

stancats4: Why do you keep on leaving the room??

You see the question, you get a bit irritated by this question yet answer by:

“ Just busy taking care of someone special. That’s all” you smile.

The chat somehow goes wild with you smiling, this is how far they can get with you anyways.

5:00 PM

( Kenma’s POV)

 “ She’s still asleep?? Wow.” 

You’re looking at your peaceful daughter, who’s been sleeping for 4 hours now.

It’s getting lonely, you miss them both even if they’re near.

As the last game comes to an end, you ask the chat what to play next?

“ this is like the last chapter what else do you guys wanna play??”

matchalatte: you should play animal crossing!

You squint your eyes to see the suggestion

“ animal crossing?? Sure i guess.”

Moments after joining the game you hear a famillar sound.

Your daughter was crying from the other room.

You rushed there.

“ hey baby, had a great nap didn’t you?? Come here with me.”

( here’s where more chaos starts.)

“ Okay guys, let’s continue.”

“ No karrie- thats my CPU that heats up, you’ll get hurt. No- karrie!”

(He’s not mad dw)

“ what are you pointing to??”

She’s pointing to the can of energy drink.

“ You can’t have that, anyways eat this.”

You paused the game.

Your daughter ends up crying really loud.

“ What’s wrong?, this isn’t even expired.”

You taste the baby food (just checking if its still good ofc)

 “ what the- YUCK. If i was an 8 month old baby and they told me to eat this, I’d cry louder than you, let’s get you nicer food.”

He brings his laptop, and then goes to the kitchen.

“ Okay you like bananas right? Let’s mush them with honey”

after minutes of doing the work you spoon feed your daughter. 

“ Okay guys, might aswell end this. Bye for now.”

He ended it early because he thought his daughter was getting tired and scared of the webcam.

6:00 PM

As the blue sky slowly and slowly fades, you craddling your daughter, knowing this won’t last forever.

Yes she’ll always be your daughter you think, but will she always need you? Will she ever call one day and tell you how was her day? Will she ever remember you when she has a family of her own? 

This sounds like he’s overthinking yet, he just likes to think how he’s enjoying every moment because all of this, everything that surrounds him, will never last forever.

He hears the doorknob jingle a bit.

“I’m home!” (Y/N says)

“ how’s our sweet cherry??”

 “ she’s doing good, just good.”

Shout out to Venn for keeping the live action headcanons rolling 🥰

[tobydandelion]

Okay, so, as of today, the divorce suit against my ex is already underway. My abuser, Laurynn Lasnek, is about to have the last of her control over my life finally wrenched away from her. I've begged her for about a year now to just file for divorce amicably with me so I could go to school and get help for my disabilities easier, but she thought ignoring me would result in me just withering and dying on the street without her. She had actually told me as I was leaving her that I'd be dead without her, in pretty much those exact words.

Well, a little over a year later, and not only am I still alive, but thriving more than I ever thought I could be. I've never been more confident in knowing myself- a concept that I once tried to explain to her, but she gaslit as delusion. (She wanted me to hate myself so much she medicalized self-love as mania. And last I knew, she's studying psychology to become a therapist- yikes.)  I've learned a lot about my strengths and limitations in the last year, and I'm still sure that school is the right path for me- something else she said was delusional. While proving her wrong won't be my primary goal in school, it sure will be one great additional motivator to dredge up when needbe, lol. 

So as soon as the divorce process finishes, my *new* service coordinator (I complained about my old one till I got one who understood what "sensory overload" is, thankfully) is going to assist me with filing for fafsa and getting me in contact with counselors at the wonderful local community college! Right now the plan is just Gen Ed and English for a while, before going straight into lawschool once my grades and test scores and whatnot are all ready for that. The more I look into lawschool and the actual job of being a civil attorney, the more confident I am that I would find it deeply fulfilling and could eventually find ways around what would otherwise be limitations from my sensory and social disabilities. 

It's so amazing that the process is finally really underway. After waiting and planning for so long, it's finally time to really start living again, for the first time as a fully autonomous person in control of my own life. And I'm going to go to school to spend the rest of it fighting for other disabled people to help better take control of their lives as well. Not sure exactly what that's going to look like yet, but that's where my intrest in law really sparks from. I feel like having a special interest in advocacy is also making me lean toward a career where I would get to advocate for other disabled folks, too. Like I said, this feels so right for me. It's going to take a very long time, yes, but when I'm careful to take care of myself properly, I'm capable of being very steadfast and patient. 

And part of that self-care is occasionally darkly venting, so skip this next bit if that bothers you, lol:

To my abuser, and now soon to be ex-wife: "Give up the concern trolling. You know I was never manic, you just hate high support needs autistic people and thought you could convince people I was having a manic episode to try to keep control over me while I was trying to escape you. If you had actually been worried about my mental health, you would have told the police that you called on me for a 'wellness check' that I was autistic. Any high support needs autistic or their loved ones would understand what you did should basically be considered attempted murder where we lived. And while that would be difficult to get an abled jury to understand, the battery I endured from you definetly won't be. (Fun fact: I'm within statute of limitations for the next two years for criminal charges. I'm weighing my options on that still, right now. I do wanna just move on and focus on school, but I also want your potential future victims to know what you're capable of before you hurt someone else.) Laurynn Lasnek, you are an abuser and someone who has disturbing and predatory control issues towards disabled people. God help your clients if you actually become a therapist."

She tried to take everything from me, but I didn't let her. I took it back and then some. And now, the ball really is rolling on my amazing new life- a life that's even better than what I was imagining and hoping for back when all I had was blind confidence and stubbornness to stay alive while in the process of escaping her. If anything, I'm further ahead than I thought I'd be at this point right now, emotionally anyway. I've gained a few close, true friends these last couple months, which is something I still hadn't gotten my hopes up to actually expect. And yet I find myself feeling truly supported by people other than myself right now, both in my education goals and emotionally. And as much as it's reassuring to know I'm resilient enough to get through without that support, it feels so amazing to have after so long without it. 

I've noticed that when I rest, lately, I actually feel rested afterwards. And I can stay calmer and focus easier a little longer with the same amount of thc. Really taking care of my sensory disabilties and sticking firm to that has resulted in extremely reduced executive functioning issues- I was even able to find and contact and arrange a meeting with a lawyer for the divorce all on my own, my service coordinator didn't help with that- I'm so proud of myself. I can't wait to see what I'm capable of in school! And I'm almost one huge step closer to that, now. 

Right now my job is waiting, and to not burn myself out, so that I'm ready for anything with the divorce stuff. I think I can handle that for a while. Still gonna be saving up for attorney's fees for additional lawsuits I might bring against her, like I said, after more communication and research. But for now, the pace is truly my choice, because either way my education goals are actively being worked toward. 

I'm excited. :3

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

9.22.24 Saturday

7:10 am

Still,have windblow...

It pop-up in my head... Should I still believe on this???

All I can think, I need to pay my credits and I need to get my cousin-white on my Aunt Ten.... I want someone who can really speak English or having English tongue... I will rumuor him forever coz it will haunt me,the "entangle thing"...

7:21 am

I still want vanity and a consistent job... I dream to have my own big wedding someday but not now... I wanna marry my cousin-white in a peaceful way but I really dream big, a wonderland wedding where everyone on that wedding will cry and surely my genuine friends, that I make that wedding with love and the time is tested...

Tested times means I'm spending time with the real people, we have activities together and not an instant thing...

That's why, I wanna marry my cousin-white in a peaceful way but I want us to have a wonderland wedding. I hope and pray that my cousin-white will heal my aching part...

17 years of planning to make me nothing and make me a poops in the middle... I feel bitter!!!! Too much of planning to make me a "poops" in the middle... They made me a laughing matter for 17 years...

A wonderland wedding is not an instant thing. It is a big wedding coz people who will join there are must be your good friends, love ones, family and people who care or genuinely join the circle.

Circle means group of friends and truly communicating with each other... Meeting each other not only them like my old fakers friends that they already spent time together with each other without me... That's a fake circle!

Mitch did you create the circle but what about the "simple battery"???

I always put here I wanna gain friends on the upper and people who are working but genuienely friends.... Some linking of friends that are tested in times of defeat like my friendship with Ely. When you say "circle" it is friendship! The bride is a friend as well of people in the circle... Friends are part of circle, laughing with each other and other people will see that we are doing some activities together... Claiming each other that we are friends coz we are spending time, every now and then... Exchanging of thoughts and doing something together. That is Circle that has a genuine "friendship".... Not only a movement of probably "circle of Mitch"???

8:10 am

Still,have windblow...

I feel bitter... I feel bitter... 17 years I lost my timeline... I feel ugly and fat.... I want a quality and intellectual friendship... I want my own thing as well... I feel hurt!

I still wanna see Mitch and Mayee.... Hey! What's up???

I'm "all ears" here... Still...

11:51 am

Still, have windblow...

I just figured out that blazing a post is pricey... Hmmm... I need to be intellectual coz per post it means a lot of amount... Interesting!

I will still blaze and I have to check which one or will make a new one for an important "BLAZE"....

Per salary day,I plan to blaze... I will "BLAZE" one post...

But first, I need to pay all my creditz...

2:52 pm

Still,have windblow...

Hmm... Whew! I feel bitterish... Thinking of money and I need to maintain a job...

I feel bitterish.... I have complex but I should overcome it for a month, I think... Whew!

3:07 pm

Still,have windblow...

My left eye is in pain, I'm so stressed-out coz my other loan called me to pay today and I said I don't have any extra for today until a month that I can have my salary... I have to pay my creditz...

The show must go on and I just need to be professional coz I badly need a job... I will really cry I need a salary!

8:32 pm

Still,have windblow...

Preparing for my cousin-white... Losing 2kgs...

SUCCESS!!! Again... There is no age in "vanity"!

My room needs a major renovation...

9:02 pm

Still,have windblow...

Another thing,I shouldn't gain too much, first I don't want it,2nd I can't buy new clothes I need to be on my younger size aside from Carrie of Big Daddy she is forever skinny, 3rd for health and 4th I wanna feel lighter...

But I wanna keep my butt and I need to bleach it again...

That my cousin-white should respect me! And Matthias should respect me!!!

I really wanna have vanity and for my angels oh please make me a dinosaur coz I wanna travel and do a starbucks hopping... I still wanna have uppish friends who can pull me up...

I feel old and ugly and wrinkled... 17 years they just took my timeline and I feel somehow jealous on my old fakers friends who already got their future and now returning to a teenager...Gets?

But I still wanna see them angels... I'm "all ears"...

I still wanna see my old good friends, I mean...

But on my cousin-white it is a family gatherin' only!

[dootnootles]

Burnout

So tired. I don't wanna work anymore. I've found it's cus of burnout. So infuriating. I wanna stay in the school I'm in, I like it there, yet everyone thinks I should go to a special needs or online school. That's not how it works though...

Maybe it's because I was so open about my status as a retard? I mean, five mental illnesses is a lot to juggle, I don't even wanna get into trauma and confusion.

Maybe I'm going insane trying to do the same things over and over.

I feel unique in my situation, thats probably not true. Loads of people have probably felt how I feel right now. A part of me thinks only I should feel this way, and another wishes to meet these people and to finally talk to someone who understands.

I don't know if I sound crazy to everyone around me, but now I'm making everyone worry. I want people to. Because I hate living, because I'm constantly dealing with suicidal ideation, and I want help, I need help, I don't want to keep feeling this way. But then I worry that they'll hate that I said that, that I shouldn't have said that in the first place.

I don't know what to do. I've made a promise not to kill myself. I don't want people to worry, I just want something to change. I want my life to either get better or to end. I'm not even sure I'd I can keep that promise. What am I doing wrong? I just want someone to tell me.

My grades keep plummeting because I'm tired and depressed both emotionally and clinically, suicidal thoughts become more and more prevelant and I'm starting to completely feel apathy and hatred towards so many things.

I just want someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong, what is wrong, so i can fix it. Maybe I'm just built that way. I wanna die, but I can't.

I don't know how to get better, I don't know what to say correctly, I don't know what's out to the me, I don't know why I behave like this, I don't know why I'm like this. I'm 16, I don't know the answers. I didn't know when I was a stupid kid just running around and enjoying life, I didn't know when I was 12 to 14, being beaten and almost killed by my brother whilst facing neglect from my parents, and i don't know now when my dad is gone and trying to support us and my mental health is in shards and ugly shambles and I have a hatred for my brother, my mother and my sister for everything, I'm not even sure if I'm projecting, if all this anger is wrong or right, and no one has the time to help me, even when that's their job.

Everything is terrible. And yet I know that's a lie. Of course I do. I always know. I know why you're calling, I know why you're upset, I know how you want me to behave, I know what you're going to say next, I know that you're going to keep silent, I know that you're scared. Everything is fine. And yet I know that's also a lie.

Maybe nothing and everything is fine all at once. I think it is, the world is such a big place, existence itself is larger. I'm a small speck of dust in a desert, a number on a list of over 8 billion and I mean nothing. Thats a lie too. But to say I mean something is also a lie. We all mean nothing and something all at once. Depending on the perspective.

Maybe I am just growing crazy, maybe I should stop fighting and go check myself into a psych ward for the rest of my life. Maybe I should go no contact, find enough money to take all this pain away.

I hate the future, I hate the past, I hate the present, and yet I love it all at the same time.

I'm confused, unsure, trying. Maybe not my best, but if I cant do better without breaking apart was that really even my best?

Everything I write gets me somewhere and nowhere at once. I just wanna die. No. I just want to feel better. But life is such a complicated pain that I feel death is my only option. Suicide is an escape, but what other option is there?

I'm selfish for wanting this aren't I? I have a loving family, I'm in a privileged position, I have amazing friends and loads of people like me, I can make a difference and i have made a difference, I'm loved, and I love. There are people in better positions who don't feel like me. Maybe I am privileged. Maybe I'm a victim of my own diseases. Maybe I'll never be happy.

That's another lie. So many lies. But i keep going in circles. I'm starting to hate circles. I'll be happy, I'll be sad, I'll be angry and horrified and scared, yet Joyous and appreciative and proud. That's life, full of experiences. But i can't find a balance. Too many things to think about all at once, too little time, too much work, too little motivation. Just get rid of it.

[tarot-by-e11e]

Hello

Finally, I can join your games. 😆. How are you? I hope you are well

Initials or nickname :

Jes

Favorite comfort song and why :

People by Libianca. Its because the song is a tender cry for help that captured certain people at a crushing low point. Although I was there for people during their hard time but sometime I feel lonely since no one check on me. So I always listen to this song to cope lol

Question

Message from my spirit guides (warning & blessing that they want me to know)

Thank you, take your time. Have a nice day ~

Hi dear Jes!

Ahehehe, finally you got a chance to participate in my ask games~

When I checked up the song, the lyrics are so sad! Gurrrrrlllll!!! Who hurt you? Who are WE MAD at and wanna try some karma?!

*ehem* I needed to gather my composure.

So you're asking for a message from your spirit guides, for warnings and blessings, right? I hope it's okay I do it in bullet form because they have like one-liners and short phrases and sentences for you:

Warnings/Rants:

"Who told you that you can get away with talking crap about yourself?"

"When did we teach you to self-sabotage?" *energetic glare at the back of your skull*

"You know your lack of self-worth is like digging your own grave, right?"

"Eww... that person?! Really?! You're into THAT??!!!" *your spirit guides collectively giving you the side eye*

"Why are you dreaming so small? We all know you're meant for better things? They'll learn to be fine without your help. They have no choice. This is YOUR LIFE to live the way YOU WANT TO!! Not theirs to control and manipulate." (oops dammmnnmnnnnnn....)

"Once a user/cheater/player/liar, always a user/cheater/player/liar" (oh no...)

"Double check your insurance policy and read the fine print ALWAYS"

"Don't you dare pull unpaid late night shifts! The money isn't worth sacrificing your health for."

"Avoid going through the past less traveled." (I'm seeing a corner street that's almost dusty/rarely driven through, like a back alley or a street you never used for a shortcut) Wait till next week Friday before you pass by there.

Now for the blessings/compliments:

"Ooooohhh you precious little one!! (your spirit guides see you as their baby) You've come such a long way!"

"Be proud of your journey! It's not all rainbows and sunshine but it's still all you! So embrace your awesomeness!"

"We'll give you a bit of a hint: it's not a promotion but it is something just as great. It could actually be better than you had hoped for if you change your perspective in the matter"

"There's some money coming your way, but it's not from your day job. It's not illegal, so don't worry! It's just a little something from us to you~"

"Someone that's actually gonna treat you right is literally right under your nose~ why you settling for crumbs sweetie!?"

"If there's an offer that seems too good to be true, take it but read the fine print ALWAYS."

*gives you energetic head pats* "You're doing amazing!! Never forget that you are doing the best that you can right now! yes you know you can be better, so use the time to rest now and do better later."

"Watch Inside Out 2, you'll thank us later". (yoooooo a movie recommendation!? this is a first~)

So far, you only asked for warnings and blessings but your guides also want to give you rants and compliments because they were like, "When will we ever get a chance to do this again?!" so they took the opportunity and did this.

So remember, free will is something you have, so only take what resonates and leave what doesn't.

Do let me know in your feedback how this resonates with you.

Again, thank you for participating in my ask game~

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

🌺 nonnie catchup

Did you add me on Finch?🥺 I keep forgetting to use the app, so I get it.😂 If not, I can give you my invite link again.🥺🥺💖

I'd love to watch Stranger Things with you if you ever wanted to! We could do DMs or video chat or anything you're comfy with hasdfghjkl we're both UK, right? I could totally send you a Hellfire T-Shirt👀 Yeahhhh the tracker I have for my studying is INTENSE but I'm gonna have to do my best to follow it as best as I can because this year it's gonna be my degree AND my job AND work experience in the mental health field AND therapy. And I also need to start looking into learning how to drive as well. I do part time study but honestly it's like 40 hours a week (they say 16 is recommended but I can't even do half the workload in that time so it's closer to 40) and my job is part time as well but I'm one shift away from full time work and I often do overtime anyway so it may as well be a full time job. Plus with my commutes, it's over 40 hours. The Munsons and I are so so SO proud of you and we love you so much!❤️ I miss them.💔

How is everything with work? How are thinga in general? Are you okay? I'm not too in the loop at the moment but I wanna catch up with everything!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️Almost every time I see Eddie, I go weak in the knees and have to sit down or I actually cry, I see him so rarely these days and I don't remember his voice.💔💔💔

Thank you; I hope things go better for me with uni this year too. I'm really scared and I'm leaning on the Munsons so hard.💔I hope everything is going well with you as well, the Munsons are so so proud of you and they love you lots!!!! I'm thinking of you and sending you my love.

I'm gonna reply to your DMs soon, I'm not ignoring you I promise.🥺I'm really sorry I haven't been answering your asks regularly like I usually do. I'm getting back on top of things as best as I can. The Munsons are sooooo so so proud of you and I hope they'd be proud of me as well!!! I'm scared they wouldn't like me.💔

METALHEAD RAPUNZEL IS SUCH A SWEET AND LOVELY NICKNAME AND DEFINITELY VERY TRUE HASDFGHJKL I uploaded an updated video of my hair the other day, did you see it?🥺 How is everything going with work and uni? I've been wondering how things are going for you!❤️

Your heart isn't failing, honey. You're young and healthy but if you ARE worried about your heart, then I'd recommend getting it checked out.🫂You won't have a heart attack from eating a whole box of pringles in one go; I can easily clear two in one sitting if I really want to and the most I'll get is a small stomach ache. Our bodies are very good at extracting what it needs from what we eat, though of course too many snacks isn't a good thing. But it's just moderation!!!! You're gonna be okay, I promise.🫂❤️

I've never seen the Star Wars films; I think I watched half of the first one and got bored so I turned it off. I just never went back to the franchise.😂 What films are on your classic film list?

YOU CUT YOUR OWN HAIR?!!!! YOU BRAVE SOUL OHMYGOD I COULD AND WOULD NEVER DO THAT. I admire the strength and bravery it takes to do something like that. What's your preferred hair length?

I'm so happy you got your hair done at the hairdresser's!!!! hgasdfghjk he was impressed by my hair????? Oh my godddd that's so so sweet of you to mention my hair hasdfghjkl ir's my baby🥺I'd never go to a hairdresser's for my hair, my dad does it with a ruler.😂He's the only one I trust to do it.

OOOH THE OLD OLD MICROSOFT WAS SO EASY TO WRITE ON??? I LOVE ALL THE OLD WORD ART FONTS😍😍😍Iagree, the technology in the 90s-early 00s was sooooo so good and easy to use!! My devices are all at LEAST five models ago but they work perfectly and I hate it when I have to upgrade because the device died a very natural death. Really not a fan of planned obsolesence💀

Doctors 9 -12 are my favourite Doctors; 10 was my first so he's the one I'm fondest of. 12 & 9 were both so sassy!!! I hope you enjoy weatching episodes on Britbox, it was kinnd of your friend to give you their password for it!😍

It turns our my chest pains had no physical cause - bloodwork came back perfectly, kidney was perfect, blood pressure and vitamin counts were totally fine, heart is strong and healthy. They don't know what caused my chest pain. But a coworker had chest pains 12 hours after the vaccine just like I did, so I think it was clostochondritis caused by the vaccine. My symptoms and where the pain was located matched perfectly, and my aunt was with me in A&E that night and she agreed with my opinion. I have to make a report on Yellow Card now - there's several hits so I'm not the only one who experienced chest pains for a week after the vaccine (it went away yesterday - six days after chest pains first started).

That didn't sound self-centred at all, I'm so sorry you had that experience.🫂🫂🫂🫂A&E is absolutely awful but my aunt was with me. I was clinging to Joker and to the Munsons that night, I thought I was having a heart attack hasdfghjkl but I feel better now.🥺

Air fryers are VERY good investments, I have one and I use it almost every night!! It makes dinner so much easier and less clean up if you line the inside tray with foil so you don't have to wash it up after every use unless whatever you're cooking spills over (I make a little dish with the foil by pressing it down into the tray to stop that happening. I still give the actual tray a wipe down, though, just to be safe.)

Oh no!! What happened to uni???? If you want to, update me on this whole thing! You don't have to, but I'm here to listen to you.🫂🫂🫂🫂

Okay, I'm all caught up!❤️

[kittyprincessofcats]

Good and bad stuff going on my life that I need to make a post about

GOOD - the small things literally keeping me going:

- I’m so hyped for Nimona. Haven’t watched it yet because I wanna finish the comic first (and with everything going on I find it hard to sit down and read), and also because I wanna watch it with my sisters when I visit them next week - BUT STILL I’M SO HYPED. I’m so glad to hear it’s good and that everyone’s loving it! And AAAAHHH have you seen Nate’s new art??

- I finally found a DnD-group and we played a One-Shot together on sunday. It was super fun and I can’t wait to play something longer with these guys.

- I recently made my first ever custom FunkoPop (as a b-day present for my sister) and it was SO insanely fun. I’ll post pictures here soon because I’m super proud of it.

- I recently visited my sisters I’m excited to see them again soon.

- My friend’s wedding was nice.

BAD - just too much stuff:

- Have a colonscopy & gastroscopy appointment on friday and I’m nervous. I mean it’s good that this is finally happening, but I’m also annoyed that I had to *ask and insist* because the doctor was going to rush me out with a premature IBS-diagnosis instead. It was only when *I* asked “Don’t you have to check for inflammatory bowel disease before making that diagnosis?” that she admitted “Yes, technically you’d have to.” Well, then why aren’t you doing what you “technically” have to? Why did I have to ask you to do your job properly?

- Same doctor did an ultrasound of my stomach area - turns out I have gallstones. (Just why, universe? Didn’t I have enough problems?) She then casually started talking about gallbladder removals, like... I’m right here, don’t just drop stuff like that on me, how am I supposed to go back to work and not break down there now?

- Had to ask a collague (who is nice, but I don’t know her that well) to pick me up from the doctor’s and drive me home on friday because I live alone, don’t have friends here who have a car and she was the only person I could think of. (She agreed and was really nice about it, but still.)

- Just... in general, health stuff is so much harder when you’re also lonely and have no one phyiscally here to comfort and hug you.

- I called my dad after that doctor’s appointment despite currently being low-contact with him and not really wanting to talk to him, just because I don’t know shit about whether gallstones are super bad or not and this was an “I need a parent” situation... which I wish either didn’t happen or that I had some better parental figure to ask.

- Visiting my sisters is unfortunately also a package deal with visiting my parents. I booked a hotel last time instead of sleeping at home just to I could limit my time with them - it was the right call, but still felt like too much time with them. I felt completely drained at the end of the day.

 - My shitty colleague from this post hasn’t talked to me since and now my boss randomly wants to assign me to different clients... almost as if she did ask not to work with me anymore after all. (But really, that’s a good thing, I was going to ask for the same thing.)

- The work’s council took 6 weeks to get back to me about this and because 2 of them are total a**holes, they’re now telling me I don’t have to right to refuse projects for Russia (not true, I did my research) - and they did so in an e-mail that didn’t even properly answer my questions and made me feel like they hadn’t gotten my actual problem and weren’t taking me seriously. Just pissed at them rn and don’t know what to do. If the works council isn’t on your side during a dispute with your boss, then who can help? I don’t fucking want to lift a single finger for shithole-country, what’s not clicking?

[peachinspiration]

This is my first day officially moved out and with a rented room in a friend’s house with my brother and I am so so terrified and paranoid, I don’t wanna fuck things up cuz I CANNOT go back with my parents, I’d rather kms. Like I have never felt this much real anxiety in a long time and I almost wanna cry but I’m not. I’m just so terrified. My tarot cards said the job I applied to will accept my brother and I, so I’m not so worried about that, but fuck man having to Uber to and back until we afford a car (after finally being able to complete drivers ed) is fucking terrifying to me idk.

I’m upset that I feel so paranoid and anxious, cuz I really thought when I moved out I’d feel freedom for the first time in forever, but no I’m fucking terrified help. But at least it shows me how much actual pain I need to overcome, cuz all of this feels like uhh ok so yk how it’s like when you get attacked and run you’re completely numbed out but when you finally find a resting spot all of it catches up at full force?? That’s how it feels rn. Except it’s like leaving a lifelong toxic home situation, I’m not used to it and I’m insanely antsy. I’m just really scared of fucking up.

I plan to apply for EBT and to check on the waitlist for me to get on adhd meds, and once hired I plan to hire a driver instructor since I still have nobody who can help otherwise. I sorta feel alone in this idk why, but I’m sure I’ll be ok. My cards told me to hear from others’ experiences of going through the same thing to help myself here and it’s right as usual.

Ok whew yea this feels good to write about cuz I finally feel myself calming down. I haven’t been able to actually journal write or anything in a long time and it’s just been choppy twt priv vents but yea again this is really therapeutic.

But ya idk I’m scared, but at the same time I know I’ll be okay deep down. Another thing I’m excited about is that with money saved up, I’ll be able to finally travel to see my bf without anyone stopping me :•) I’ll go to Chile without having to be interrogated about it or prevented from traveling there!! My brother said he may even wanna come with me. So I’m very excited about that. I’ll have to hurry up on my Spanish studies tho and begin to speedrun learning the Chilean dialect and accent haha thankfully I have my bf for that.

I think when I’m more settled in I’ll finally write that paragraph of educating to that one person I called out for being racist recently then block them after since I don’t wanna deal with anymore mess. It’s just too uncomfortable to deal with.

At the same time tho, life does feel super different. My past life feels very far away now, but now I’m stuck with all sorts of emotional baggage from it. It’s kinda making me realize how hurt and vulnerable I truly am from it. My older sister probably felt the same way when she was kicked out at 18. God I really don’t know what to expect. Maybe I’ll consult my cards about it since I have most of them with me now. I still have some things leftover back at the house but it’s ok. Maybe I’ll make myself a blessing jar.

I already miss my dog though. That’s a part that REALLY sucks cuz of how close we are to her. I miss her really badly and feel kinda sick over it :^( her mental health gets affected whenever my brother and/or I are separated from her and she’s also old and gonna be 14 sometime this year. I’m not worried about her passing on cuz she’s still very active and runs fast and has energy and still acts like a baby though. But man I want her so badly.

I’m terrified of appearing like a burden around here and I’m terrified of my friend or her parents hating me cuz I’m so used to people I live with hating on me in some way and treating me degradingly. I kinda wish I could just shut everything off for a moment and be somewhere timeless for as long as I want to let everything out then come back lolol like yk time stopping. I hope I make more friends. I’ve kinda gone through a huge irl friend purge in the recent years especially as I came to further terms about being trans. Also a lot of people turned out to be completely nuts now. Like how my childhood “best” friend slowly showed more and more abusive tendencies. First toward me and then toward everyone else, to the point of actually threatening lives all cuz this guy wouldn’t love her back.

Oh also wow crazy the moon is full in two days. Fun stuff I’d better prepare for it since I finally have the freedom to. I hope I have my lighter packed with me, I think I have my matches.

[sand-lily]

it's been almost 5 weeks, now im starting to get worried...

i emailed them a few days ago and no response of any kind

its past the first training date they told me, but not yet the second training date they told me

so HOPEFULLY they want me in the second training

but at this point idk

the job i just got here is only part time, but they said theyll move me to full time if im doing good by the end of my first month

so at least i have that and I'll keep doing it long term if i can't go

and since its childcare related, i can put it on my resume if i need to reapply for some reason and thatll look better than just my TESL training and unpaid babysitting from years ago

BUT, and i know i keep saying this, if i have to apply again, that's the LAST time

im just giving up tbh

im tired of getting all excited and sending them all these EXPENSIVE ASS visa docs (DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A TRANSCRIPT AND A BACKGROUND CHECK AND PASSPORT PICS AND A HEALTH REPORT AND ALL THIS PRINTING WHEN YOU DONT OWN A PRINTER COSTS???)

im TIRRREDD of packing up my house and making plans for my money and my cats and my mail and deciding what clothes to take (because i have too much for 1 suitcase and I dont wanna take more than 1 suitcase and 1 backpack from the airport to 3 train stations) and i plan to break my lease and my friends are excited and im excited and i save all this money AND EVERYTHING

then i just DON'T GET TO GO

its more disheartening than just being straight up rejected after the interview....

i REALLY don't know how much i can take anymore

it just makes me SOSOSOSOSOSO SAD

not even mad or anything, just straight up devastated

its only been 2 weeks since they sent for my CoE

and they said that they won't be in contact with me until i get it unless there's an issue

so their silence is a good thing i guess

but i wish theyd hurry up or update me saying nothing needs to be fixed

me getting this CoE decides if i need to pack my house up and move my cats out or start looking for hiring paying long term jobs (like ones that make you sign a contract) instead of lower paying short term jobs (like I don't need to sign a contract)

:|