#i really appreciate and need my alone time but the thing is...i wish i didnt have so much of it

[kmt123whatsthetea]

The Weasley twins Christmas headcanon

A/N: Merry Christmas everyone! I thought I’d write a Christmas headcanon since I didnt last year. I hope you all have an amazing holiday and New Year. Enjoy the fic, my horny devils.

SFW

~ The build up to the big day would be pretty hectic considering you worked at the shop with the twins

~ A constant cycle of customers asking if you had extra stock or if they could pay less was a nightmare, but it was all worth it when the twins shut the shop late Christmas eve

~ They love the idea of buying matching pyjama sets (matching is all they really know)

~ If you’re a muggle born or a half blood, you’ll show them classic christmas films like Home Alone or It's a Wonderful Life on the tv that you convinced them to try out

~ Christmas baking is a necessity

~ It doesn't even matter that the twins are terrible bakers. Magic does it for you

~ Christmas day at the Burrow is unlike anything you’ve ever known

~ Molly’s cooking definitely gets the chefs kiss award

~ Christmas is the only time you get to meet Charlie and see Bill and Fleur

~ The house is packed (Molly likes to joke that grandbabies would top things off)

~Fred and George decided to try out their new product, a small marble sized ball that grows into a snowball when combined with the engorgement charm

~ Instead of bursting into snow upon impact, they disintegrate like flakes of ash

~ This quickly leads to a snowball fight on the surrounding Burrow land after Molly threatened the ginger flock about getting any ‘snow’ inside the house

~ Ginny wins this fight after hiding in one of the bedrooms and catapulting the ‘snowballs’ down from the window

~ Molly and Arthur always include you in presents, even though you aren't officially a Weasley they still treat you like you are

~ After about half an hour, the floor is covered in wrapping paper and everyone is wearing a new knitted ensemble courtesy of the matriarch herself

~ And by the end of the night, moving has become impossible from the amount of food that has been served and eaten

~ It’s times like this where you appreciate floo travel instead of a several hour car drive

NSFW

~ The Twins didn’t realise that you had one more present in store for them

~ It was only when you called them into the bedroom that they understood why you needed time to ‘get the gift ready’

~ The gift consisted of lacy lingerie and a plastic bow that sat on your head

~ Although this was a gift you gave them often, they were very grateful nonetheless

~ The twins loved their gift so much that they decided to unwrap it immediately

~ It took you more time to get the ensemble on than it did for them to tear it off of you

~ But it was worth it to see the look on their faces, and for the wild ride that came with it

~ The twins pounced on you, breathing in your new perfume that they bought you and the feeling of your soft skin

~ Their hands roamed over you, tugging until the lingerie was discarded on the floor and their clothes followed suit

~ One held you in his arms while the other pushed into you, they made you cum at least twice before switching

~ They only wish they had gotten creative with the mistletoe

~ They would have made sure to kiss you everywhere (not that they needed mistletoe to do so) ~ Lets just say that boxing day was a day spent in bed recovering, and giving a few last christmas presents ;)

[eddiebabygirldiaz]

.

[vividraft]

just one last time ✧˖*°࿐

⇢ ˗ˏˋ gn!assistant!reader x diluc

⇢ ˗ˏˋ summary: dilucs appreciation for you faded, and when he lashes out at you for no particular reason, he immediately regrets it

⇢ ˗ˏˋ important notes: this is a repost from my old account (@/rainstops)

⇢ ˗ˏˋ a/n: i dont like my old posts (cries)

old post master list tba !

another day, another hour, another minute and another second of diluc trying to focus on his work, but no matter how long or how hard he tried, he just could not focus. that was until he heard a knock on the door to his office. 

"come in", he sighed. 

you entered his office, with a cup of coffee in your left hand. 

"you havent left your office in a while, make sure to take breaks every once in a while, diluc", you suggested. you used to call him master diluc, but he insisted that you would just call him diluc. 

"thanks [name]", diluc replied and took the coffee with graditute.

it almost seemed like you always knew exactly what he needed.

so why did it have to come to this?

again, diluc spend hours on end on his paperwork. frustrated, once again. 

and again you were the one knocking on the door.

"come in", he muttered the words. 

when you entered the room, you were met with a diluc who had his face burried in his hands. 

"diluc, are you okay? can i help you with anything? i could-"

"no [name]", he sighed. "just tell me what you need", diluc cut you off. 

"oh well i was just checking up on you, because i know you tend to overwork yourself, so i just-"

"well if its nothing then just leave", diluc cut you off a second time. 

you watched his hands ball into fists.

"...okay", you did what he wished for, even if something inside you hurt, when he rejected your help so very crude. but you managed to convince yourself that it was just frustration from working so much. but then why did it hurt like this? 

you were very well aware that you were just his assistant, but sometimes you dared to imagine you were more than that. those wishes and dreams were left unspoken, even after years of knowing diluc.

but it still hurt so much.

what you werent prepared for, was how many times situations like this would occur. his ways of telling you to leave him alone got more and more impolite, almost insulting at this point. all you wanted was to help, yet diluc did not understand your intentions. or maybe he didnt want to understand them. or maybe he just didnt care enough. no matter what it was, it was always the same. you offered your help, and he rejected. everyday it was like opening an old wound once again and putting salt in it.

one last try.

that was what he would get.

a knock, and another one. they sounded hesitant, but diluc paid no attention to that. 

"come in", the same words used over and over again. 

"you have been working in here for over seven hours now, you should take a break its not good for your health", your body flinched, when you heard diluc slam a fist on his table. 

"oh my god [name]. every day you come in here saying the same things! how many times do i have to tell you that you cant-", this time you cut him off. 

"that i cant do anything? is that what you were going to say? are you going to tell me to leave like every other day? diluc all i want is to help you. its not my fault that you overwork yourself so much that you ignore who actually cares about you. and yes i do care about you, i dont just do this because its my job", as you were finally letting all those words out of your system, an irritated stare was lying on your face. this was the first time in weeks, diluc has looked at you again. your eyes were no longer filled with passion. its like they were replaced with those hurt eyes. your body was tense, and although diluc finally noticed all those things, it seemed he had no words for you. 

seriously? 

you just told him how you felt, and he still ignored you like an irrelevant nobody. 

"i really like you diluc, i really do but.."

dilucs body tensed up upon hearing those words leave your lips. his heart had a reaction to it he never felt before.

"it doesnt seem like neither your heart nor you seem to care enough to reply to me", and with that, you left with quiet steps and closed the door behind you.

diluc was in a daze, and stared at the door you closed behind you for at least another 5 minutes.

he noticed something long ago. he noticed whenever you entered a room, it seemed to light up. he noticed how whenever you saw him your eyes lit up. he noticed how whenever you ate something you liked, the corners of your mouth lifted before you could say something. and so many more things, which would take hours to list. 

but most of all, he noticed how much he needed you.

and now he notices that once again.

suddenly he remembers all the times he was rude to you, whenever you asked to help him. he missed those before, but now theyre coming to him again.

he looked for you, and with every second he couldnt find you, the pit in his stomach grew quicker than he could find you.

"ah! master diluc! are you looking for [name]?", one of his maids approached him, not noticing how stressed he was.

"Yes! yes, do you know where they are?"

"well, not exactly, but they told me they were going on a walk", the maid repeated what you had told her. she also noticed your dull eyes rather quickly, so she let you go, agreeing that it would be good for you.

"Thank you!", diluc replied, as he was already hurriedly heading towards the door.

as soon as he stepped outside, he noticed how hard it would be to find you. you could be anywhere, in any direction. 

then he suddenly remembers a faint interaction you both had. you remeber telling him, that whenever you didnt know where else to go, you went to starsnatch cliff. he remembers you rambling on and on about how the name fits the cliff so perfectly, because whenever you were there at night, the stars felt so close as if you could just snatch them. the red heads feet guided him right to where he suspected you could be, and he was right. there you were lying flat on your back, arms streched away from your body.

it seemed to diluc that you havent noticed his quiet steps in the grass yet, but you noticed long ago. you were never going to admit this, but you were actually hoping that he would find you.

"what do you want", you asked while sitting up, with your back still turned to him. 

dilucs breaths were deep and heavy, since he went here as fast as he could. 

now was the moment, when he wasnt sure what to say. just like back in his office, it seemed his heart had so much to tell you, but his words were left unspoken. 

a few more seconds remained silent.

"well if its nothing then just leave", you repeated the words that left his mouth a long while ago. the probably first of the many times he rejected your help, your concern, and you. 

suddenly he heard a sniffle. have you been crying? this is not what he wanted. never had he expected you to be crying because of his actions. not when he was the one who dreamed of being with you, and the one who dreamed to protect you exactly pain like this.

but still he was the one who sent those daggers into your heart.

maybe that was what he needed to say.

"i'm sorry [name], i'm really so sorry. i know that sorry probably doesnt fix anything right now, but please forgive me. i know that i shouldnt have been the way i was to you. i should have accepted your help, i know youre a great help and i shouldnt have snapped at you the way i did. i have so many things i want to say to you but i never know how or where to start. please, would you forgive me?"

...

diluc heard no reply, but instead more quiet sniffles. you on the other hand could not speak. you were afraid of your voice breaking, or maybe you were afraid of starting to cry even more. you hugged your legs.

suddenly, you felt a warm body against your back and you felt arms snake around your waist. 

but most importantly, you heard a whispered "please..."

diluc tried to look at you, but you just turned your face away from him.

"don't look at me right now i look hideous", you shakily let those words escape your throat. 

"no you dont, and even if you did, i'd still like that 'hideous' version of you [name]. i like every version of you. remember when you told me you liked me today? i like you more, even more than you could imagine. i love you, [name]. i know how sudden this is but everything that i know about you, and all your features, every single gesture and every single habit of yours. i adore those things more than my own life. so please. please forgive me this once. you dont have to feel the same way. i just dont want you to hate me", diluc confessed his well kept secret.

"... i dont hate you, diluc. and i never could hate you", a single tear rolled down your face, as you turned around to face diluc, who still had his arms around your waist.

diluc cupped your cheeks, and wiped away your tears with his thumbs. 

"you look as beautiful as always [name]"

you laid your head against his chest and closed your eyes, his body keeping you warm. 

"the stars look closer than usual today, dont you think?"

bonus

diluc noticed your quiet snores, after a while of sitting with you in his arms at starsnatch cliff. 

your body shivered, and only then he noticed how cold it was getting. 

"i suppose its time to go back", diluc took off his coat, and gently laid it on your body, as he picked you up in bridal style, to carry you back to his mansion.

[pettydreamz]

i just rly miss my sister... it's so hard needing to be strong for everyone. i feel like i dont have time anymore to appreciate, reminisce or even miss my sister lately.

i dont wanna be a grown up. i just want my sister still here taking care of me, so i dont have to deal with so many things.

i really wish my friends n bf got to know her. bc she is the most amazing person you'll ever meet.

damn now im finally crying.

i feel like i havent had the time even lately for a good cry. i just cry about silly things like missing my bf.

i cant even understand or even comprehend how you did it. how you were the strong one in the family so now that role is being pushed on me to step up to the plate and be the big sis.

i was not prepared for any of this. i thought maybe youd still be with me every step of the way like there for my wedding day, there when i actually have kids (if i do).

you were everything to me. and im so sorry i didnt do enough for you. im so sorry you went about it all alone for such a long time and taking advantage of you. yk i was just the spoilt lil sis. sometimes i still have dreams of you, i just hope those are moments of us in another universe so i could have even spend a little more moments with you.

i miss you

[goneahead]

I got tagged by @demeter1111 back when wattieza forests were still a thing. sorry for being a disorganized noodle!

15 questions and 15 mutuals:

Were you named after anyone? When was the last time you cried? Do you have kids? Do you use sarcasm a lot? What's the first thing you notice about people? What's your eye colorScary movies or happy endings? Any special talents? Where were you born? What are your hobbies? Have any pets? What sports do you play/have played? How tall are you? Favorite subiect in school? Dream job?

KNIGHTS! NEW QUESTIONS! (obligatory obscure Monty Python reference)

What famous person, alive or dead, would you want beside you during a zombie apocalypse?

Hanibal of Carthage. He is super smart, a great fighter—and he comes with elephants. Lets be honest, elephants would be super cool in a zombie apocalypse. Especially zombie ones😁

If they made a movie about you, what would your theme song be?

since I’m a nomad, The Great Divide by National Park Radio😉

Which muppet character would you be willing to go on a date with?

Gonzo—as long as Gonzo sets up the date. Cuz you know Gonzo would set up a wild date😆

What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?

I was served whale blubber at a party once. Do NOT recommend🤢

What is the weirdest thing you still eat?

I really love peanut butter on my crepes😋

You can have any extinct or fantasy animal as a pet. What would you choose?

The enormous pteradactyl, Quetzalcoatlus. With a handy riding harness. And maybe some water ballons…😏

List a very boring fact about yourself.

I am an American mutt. My parents were from very different parts of the country, but all four of my grandparents came from families that settled in the U.S. in the timespan 1630–1730.

You are granted a wish to have any food you want—but the catch is you will have to eat it twice a day for the rest of your life. What do you choose?

**ponders** popcorn or freshly baked cookies or popcorn or freshly baked cookies or popcorn or—

You can choose any singer or band to play at your funeral. Who do you pick?

Nat King Cole. Everyone can roll up the rugs, and dance the night away!

What line of poetry or doggerel is forever stuck in your brain?

Charge of the Light Brigade: “Into the jaws of Death, into the mouth of hell/Rode the six hundred.” I used to quote this at work, usually when we were getting overrun. For some reason, my bosses were never amused. Then again. they also didnt appreciate it when I would tell them ‘I would like to inform you that the barbarians are at the gates.”😂😂😂

You can bring back an item of clothing that has fallen out of style. What would it be?

We really need to bring back the clothing of the Han Chinese. Imagine if we could all walk around in loose, flowing comfortable clothes. Also, wearing hanfu means long flowing belts—which means we could turn all the cool stuff we currently put on our key chains into belt decorations. With tassles. Cuz modern clothing haz a serious lack of tassles. Just saying…

You are granted the gift of being a were creature. What animal would you choose to change into?

Definitely were-otter. Much scampering, much floating—and lots of fish. Also, I wouldnt have to worry about villagers and pitchforks, cuz seriously, who is gonna be scared of a were-otter?

What is the most useless fact you know?

The last person to collect a Civil War pension was Irene Triplett. She passed away in 2020. Also, in 1916 the U.S. Postal Service changed the rules, and you can no longer mail more than 200 pounds/90 kilos in a single day. Why? Some guy was building a bank in Utah and realized he could save on freight charges by just having the bricks mailed. Yes, ALL of the bricks😂😂😂

You are going to be locked, all alone, in a place for 24 hours. Which place do you choose?

Um, tie. The Jacques Marchais Museum of Tibetan Art or the Gilcrease Museum😍

What is the superpower you want and whats the superpower you DONT want?

Best superpower? Making quarters appear wherever I want. No, seriously. Think about how much fun you could have, in a super sneaky way. College kid walks by—put a few extra quarters in their pocket. Seniors sitting on a park bench—now there are handfuls of quarters in the bottom of their purses. Tip jar at the coffee shop—add another layer of quarters. Also easiest superhero name ever. Just stick a pencil behind your ear and call yourself ‘Drawn and Quartered’🤣🤣🤣

The worst superpower? Anything to do with ice and snow. Nope nope nope!

ok tagging @distilled-prose @cowandcalf @teruel-a-witch @ellena-asg @wordrummager @torrentialmonsoon @sherrylephotography @ends-2-beginnings @itwoodbeprefect @alex-a-roman @mikefrawley @firstfullmoon @gracebriarwoodwrites @maureen2musings @stephmcx and cuz I changed the questions @demeter1111 also tagging @neil-gaiman cuz I know he wont answer, but I am super curious about his answer to question one😂😂😂

[vancilocs]

i think i have enough ideas for another lore dump (details subject to change obvi)

so. third kingdom. kinda turmoilic

about 30 years or so ago there was this violent thronestealing plot that happened. there was king, and queen, and the heir to the throne and probably some younger siblings, but in one night some usurper cousin or a more distant relative snuck in and slayed pretty much everyone; except the heir managed to escape with like a handful of servants (and her own porcelain bodyguard). she was like 13-14 at this point. also trans, but not out yet, except to her bodyguard. this is relevant.

(she had a bit of a teenage crush on him, not in any real way, more like youre really cool and nice and oh no puberty got my brain scrambled)

but the escape was really narrow and while trying to get out the servants got picked off and the bodyguard held his own final stand and stayed behind to let the heir escape. so she had to run off all by her lonesome.......

she wandered the countryside for a bit to get as far away as she could and through some avenues she ended up in contact with Skullface whos?? a general nogooder??? has a skull for a face??? (and she/he pronouns. whats her agab? its a secret) who promised that hed help her take the throne back and take revenge on her relatives, if shed in turn make him an advisor/give her another high rank in her court. she agreed bc why not, she was a tormented teenager who wanted revenge in any way

thus began the training. it was p easy to hide away bc the new monarchs goons were looking for a prince, the eejits, so she just went by the name she had already picked for herself (also skullface shaved off the horn over her eye/covered the mark and her dragon eye with bandages to further hide her identity. shes a poor injured girl leave her alone. dyed her red hair probably too, it was quite distinctive) and began training sword and magic both

maybe a decade passes and skullface has molded her into a right meanie, while also working on his own to collect willing people to help her overtake the castle. the new monarch wasnt very liked overall.

(now skullfaces original plan was to basically use her and groom her into being his puppet on the throne BUT he grew to genuinely care for her and now truly wishes the best for her and only wants to be by her side to help. not quite a surrogate parent, more like your parents cool sibling? theyre partners in crime)

so they storm the castle one night. princess stabs people and skullface blasts them with magic (first_4_notes_of_megalovania.mp3) and the peasants and knights theyve rallied help also. princess stabs her cousin/whatever to death and retakes the throne. yahoo

and in the basement they find her porcelain bodyguard. hes basically been there for 10 years (since he was 14 or so) for the castles new occupants to torment - basically chained him down there and gave him a sword and people would go fight him for fun. mans turned semiferal atp. but when princess shows up he recognizes her, knows her real name bc she told him all those years ago, and he does an argos from the odyssey and dies in her arms immediately after.

shes inconsolable obviously, that was the Only Thing remaining of her past happy life, her family is gone, her friends are gone, the usurpers destroyed all the stuff that reminded her of home, paintings burned furniture destroyed history books torn etc. also that was her FRIEND

so she delves a bit into necromancy with skullfaces reluctant help, and drags him back to the land of the living (not super well, but somewhat). hes mangled, needs some prostheses probably or at least joint braces, has nightmares and short-term memory issues. tends to cut off at his death and after that everythings a bit hazy. but he remembers his liege and loves her, appreciates her coming back like he knew she would, is her bodyguard again like the old times.

sometimes she kinda regrets it tho, was it fair to bring him back like that? she didnt ask him, hes been through so much, didnt he deserve to rest? but he seems happy so she guesses its ok. he says its ok. also wonders how long the magic will hold up, will he stick around forever now?

(hes doing ok. most people dont really like him bc hes a zombie but some dont mind. im p sure he even has a kid, but for some reason isnt together with the mom anymore. probably bc her family wont let her marry an undead. but im not entirely sure bc why would her familys opinion matter when she could just live at the castle since he has a very prestigious position anyways)

anyway shes slightly tormented. but she has friends. shes got bodyguard, and skullface as her trusty advisor and support, but also shes got a wife and kids, And shes fairly close with fenrir. him and konoe did offer support for her taking her old home back. konoe is a good help when it comes to political knowledge and aid, but shes had good talks with fenrir abt grief and how daunting it feels to suddenly be a ruler. when fenrir lost his kid she even came to visit to offer her condolences.

other ppl in the castle include a giant snake tail woman. mothman probably also.

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

WHO AM I? - Learning To Appreciate Myself, & Honoring My Goodness.

I've been growing in different avenues and for the longest time I've been having to sit with myself. I think this is the closest I've gotten to understand adulthood in many of its forms and its the process of sitting with your emotions even when all you wanna do is run away.

I guess you've got it. I've grown up. I feel it.. But then, I dont? I feel as though I have a lot of playfulness in me, but I feel the seriousness taking up space. I can acknowledge that I haven't been doing my job, and have lost myself along the way.. Because I've been who I am, I'm wondering if I could be another. I'm holding myself hostage, I feel it. I can't lie, there is so much I want to be but I've put a mask on myself so that others couldn't perceive the real me.. Only to still be perceived by false perception.

Misunderstood is code word for, I dont care to understand this person, so I'm just going to label them how I see them, how I value them and so on so forth. So I never go out my way to call myself deeply misunderstood, even though I can be.. Thats not the life I wish to see for myself.

I've been wanting to runaway. Not emotionally, just physically. Like get out of town. Move away. That's all I've been wanting. I held on to my family and friends because I didn't want to lose them, or have them miss out on my growth but then.. Chaos had came through my life and I feel now its best to just get away, and I feel it necessary to grow apart.

I mean.. I'm sure they'll miss me, of course.. But there is no way I can grow in this town I live in. Atlanta is not what it use to be, & I'm tired of feeling alone in this. I want to get away.

I've tried to go out and flow, but the flow here is chaotic and triumphing from the damage that has been done on to me and others is a story board full of discussion.

Even the LGBTQ+ scene isn't enough for me, which was the only reason I really stayed put in the city. I love my city, I do.. but.. I've got a feeling I've grown enough to accept that I must be aligned with my truest feelings and this one takes the cake.

As I'm learning to appreciate adulthood, I'm learning to accept my past truths. I was alone, tired, scared, and adulting was not my favorite thing. I mean, I didn't care. I just wanted to enjoy it. I wasn't enjoying life, so I focused on the partying and drinking. And FUNNY enough, I took part of it even when I told myself I wouldn't. I put myself in spaces having the belief I would be okay, and when it did not happen that way... I failed... distanced myself from people and got out of their business.

Just went away into my little closet, holding on to the meat costumes before they'd be skin and bone. I didn't wanna be alone in it but I felt it best that way.

And then there it was, I opened up a can of worms.

My rage, my power, my worth, it all started to make sense.

I opened up to my darkness and realized how much of me I had left unnoticed. While I was running away from my problems because of depression, I learned why that depression was there. I wasn't having fun. I wasn't loving life. I was too serious. I called it imposter syndrome. It was killing me from the inside. I had to find myself multiple times and realized I wasn't lost... I just didn't want to be the human God intended me to be. And my heart could feel it, I just didnt know it at the time.

I was fighting 'demons' that were fears of my worth. Fears from my past lives, my exhaustion was tied to the world and the need to be in this patriarchal society. Im done. Its over with, man. And learning to accept my pain in all of it, made things full circle. I had to start all over, another thing in adulthood that isn't everyones favorite. But its starting to become mine.

What I'm learning now, is that I can appreciate why I was running. I'm still going back and forth with me on if I'm truly 'nonbinary' or not, and what that even means for a woman like me. What does it mean to like woman and to want to be in the closet knowing pleasure is around the corner. And what am I even doing? What was the point of it? For the male gaze? Idk.

But for once in my life, I'm getting the hang of appreciating my inner self / inner child instead of forcing her inside the house never letting her see the sunshine on a beautiful day.

I got it all figured out... not. But that's the beauty of it all.

[freebooter4ever]

I dont believe in love at first sight by any stretch of the imagination, but there's something that happens sometimes when i meet a person - and i dont mean just seeing them i mean start to talk, like actually talk - that says this connection is different, platonic or romantic. (it took meeting “Paul” twice for us to even have a proper conversation and after we did we were both like why the fuck did we waste so much time not being friends)

I wish i knew what makes it different. I wish i knew why with some people silly mundane things can feel like the most exciting thing. What quirk of personality makes it more interesting with them than with anyone else? Like, say when a friend calls you up and says ‘hey i need to grb beer and snacks can you give me a ride?’ and you're like ‘fuck yeah why not’ cause you know with this friend, no matter what you do it's gonna be awesome. Or giggling in a supermarket while looking at pasta cause no reason. Or stopping a walk in the middle of a random neighborhood because suddenly in that moment the sunset and light is perfect and it must be appreciated. Or spending two hours carefully checking light bulbs to find the single burnt out bulb in a christmas light string. Or sitting in a crowded club booth knitting while everyone else dances cause your friend just isnt feeling it tonight. Or taking photos with a weird ass dolphin mural that happened to be on the walk to dinner. Or driving through snow to the end of the forest road, just because. (all of these are different people btw)

But then with other people i can do exciting planned out events with them - and its great, the best. But when we are alone the excitement fades. And something is missing. Like a gaping ache. And i can never fucking explain. 

As grandma once said - with grandpa nothing was ever ‘the usual’, even things they did every night like go to the back room and watch columb*o on tv never felt boring when he was with her. And i didnt say it but i was thinking : grandma aren't you old? Shouldn't that have faded by like the first 50 years together? 

But also, i knew exactly what she meant and i think ive been searching for a version of that for myself my whole life. Because my version of it always ends - friends move away, i move away, nick fucking rips my heart out and smashes it under his foot when he tells me he didnt say goodbye before leaving the city because he thought he wouldnt miss me at all (im not bitter) , lives drift apart emotionally, etc. And im really REALLY happy and grateful for the periods when i am feeling that platonic or romantic love.

But god i wish it happened more often. And i wish it didnt feel like nails on a chalkboard when im trying to force it. If im not always a little secretly thrilled when im with someone no matter where we are or what we are doing, i think i know deep down its not The One. and i get antsy and guilty and like an itch in the back of everything i do.

[dearestones]

Twisted Wonderland Matchup: Vil Schoenheit

@supergigabigboybabechad Request: Heyhi! Romantic twst matchup plspls!!

Im told i have strong aura with my appearance. I have dark hair at shoulders with bangs and hot pink dyed roots that streak to frame my face. Looks? Im a handsome girl! Im not exactly an extravert (lovealonetime) but id say ive nifty social skills. Definetly above average. I love fashion. i sew a lot and i get complements on my look! I love spoiling people best way to explain is examples my friend said she wishes a bakery sold macarons and i made her some another said she wanted leg warmers so i made her some! Personality wise im really cheeky i guess would be the way to describe it sassy and attitude are words i get. I love winning. I have a sharp tongue i think i have a creative way of thinking that translates into the way i speak. I love being there for people i feel like its my whole purpose. I do it as much for myself as i do for others. I like to think im smart and pick things up easily but maybe im just audacious. anecdote: i had weird interests and decided i wanted to do lock picking so i got this set for cheapsies and carried it everywhere. I literally only ever opened the practice lock those things come with but i showed off a whole bunch at school anyways.teacher overheard and asked mw to show her by opening a locked cabinet. I didnt wanna back down and embarrass myself so i just assumed i could do it.took me a good five minutes and i was shaking the whole time but yeah i was a whole show off and i still am confidence is key though right?

.

.

.

After going through the description given, I have determined that you are best paired with Vil Schoenheit! 

Vil appreciates your confidence in both your bold and daring personality and of course your physical appearance! The key to true beauty, he believes, is to embrace and know who you are from the inside out. Since you are confident in yourself, it is easy to see the beauty that is brimming from your very being. 

Furthermore, he appreciates your being a handsome girl. Some of the best parts about beauty is that there is no one or true way to view beauty, only that you are constantly improving and becoming your best self. If he may say so, he likes to believe that he is a beautiful boy—and as long as it’s not in mockery, he will fall to his knees if you call him such. (Please praise him, he loves hearing compliments from your pretty mouth).

An ambivert who is also quite social! That is a great boon in Vil’s book! As a social media influencer, it’s important that his image not be jeopardized by those who could inadvertently tarnish his good name. He has faith in you, of course, but he admires your personality and will give you your desired alone time if you so wish it. 

You sew and love fashion? Oh my, what a pair you two will make! Vil often keeps a spare sewing kit in his bag if he ever rips his uniform or if he spots one of his dorm residents missing a button. Despite that, however, he never has the time to create original sewing projects. Perhaps, if you’re willing, you can show him what you’re working on? Or maybe the both of you can have a small little date together where he memorizes his lines for his newest role while you work on your sewing! The image is such a lovely sight, please indulge him. 

Spoiling someone is always great as a reward. However, please don’t spoil his more… unrefined dorm residents. Some of them need to learn how to improve and embrace their inherent beauty. That said, feel free to spoil him, but not too much! A part of Vil believes that he needs to earn his way into success and reward. (Be sure to remind him that he doesn’t need to earn or work for your affection!)

Cheeky you say? Well now, you better watch your tongue… Vil knows how to give as good as he gets, especially since the media isn’t as pretty or as kind as some people make it out to be. If you do verbally spar with him or make your wit that much more apparent, he’ll gladly go to toe with you—he will not accept defeat that easily!

Creativity is also a wonderful boon, especially in the industry that Vil works in. Don’t be afraid to tell Vil what you're thinking about. Chances are he’ll like your ideas or even expand upon them to make them even better. 

If you ever see Vil feeling down or brooding about how he doesn’t seem to think that he’s on par with Neige, be there for him. He has support from his Vice Housewarden and a few other friends, but he’ll cherish your commitment to him and your being there for him cheers him up.

Your confidence always astounds! Once Vil hears your story about how you picked a lock at your teacher’s behest, he might scold you for not practicing on other locks so that you may be prepared. Nonetheless, he admits that confidence is a trait that not many people have, especially to the extent that you clearly exhibit. While you seem to be a bit too reckless at times, your inner beauty shines through and honestly, that’s why he loves you. 

Overall, the both of you bring out the best in each other. Vil may be overbearing at times and you may be a bit too bombastic and spontaneous for Vil’s tastes, the both of you get along pretty well and that’s what matters in the end.

.

.

.

If you want to donate a Ko-Fi, feel free https://ko-fi.com/devintrinidad.

TWISTED WONDERLAND MASTERLIST

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: csa and cocsa, mentions of mental illness and derealisation/depersonalisation, it may be considered a vent too so be aware

hi, i'm immensely grateful for having a place to say this, or to talk about it with anyone, so if any of the mods decides to answer this ask, please know that the time and effort you put into it is greatly appreciated and i hope the best for you. <3

so, i'm not sure where i'm going with this so i'll make sure to proof read it when i'm finished and i'll try to keep things the least graphic i can. i would say i'm looking for advice or help, but really, it's not like other people can dig in my mind and memories for me. so maybe just reassurance, because i really really need to speak to someone who understands and has gone through my struggles as well, and going through this without even remembering properly is frustrating.

so. i've been sexually assaulted or molested as a child. this is what i suspect at least. the signs have always been there, but i've also experienced other trauma and i have other mental illnesses and issues, so they could have been caused by other things as well. i also have an awful, terrible memory and a dissociative disorder (i experience both depersonalisation and derealisation, to the point of psychosis sometimes), so my grasp on reality and memories is not good at all.

two years and a half ago, more or less, a very old memory from my childhood, of which i remember basically nothing, came back up while rewatching banana fish, an anime in which some major themes are rape and the sexual abuse of children. at that moment i felt very scared and very confused, and i didnt know what to do of it. i think i also kind of forgot or repressed it again.

almost two years later (last october) it all came back up again and this time i actually processed what had happened. i still didnt know what to do of it, and i partially still dont know now, but it's been troubling me. this memory is of me being touched in a sexual manner when i was still a child (i estimated that it's probably from ages 5 to 9, but who can be sure). i wish i could remember clearly, and more, because i'm uncertain about the real perpetrator (i dont know whether it is the person i remember, or if i just replace the person in my memories) and whether it really happened, and even if it was only this time or others (which i'm very suspicious about since i don't think that my reactions are justified just by this).

it's scary and, if i am correct, it really has scarred me without me even noticing. i have so many doubts and the thought of it has been bothering me a lot. i don't wish to remember for any reason (since it wouldn't be useful at all anymore) except for the fact that i *need* to know and understand to what extent i've been traumatised and find the cause to the various signs i've noticed.

it's so frustrating.

i've actually compiled a list of said signs that i've noticed, other than the resurfaced memory itself, and i have all the more reasons to believe that if the body knows then it did happen, but i hate not having more to work on. the more i think of it the more unreal it feels.

- klaus

Hi klaus,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through and please know you're not alone. It's important to acknowledge that memory recall can be tricky, and it's not uncommon to have doubts and uncertainties.

I think it’s important to consider that if you did go through something, it’s possible that you could be partially repressing it. Just because you don't have all the details doesn’t necessarily mean it didn’t happen, as memory is not only flimsy but having a dissociative disorder can exacerbate this.

That all being said, I don’t want to say for absolute sure that something happened because there simply isn’t enough information. If nothing happened, it would be dangerous to assume it did, so I would recommend to just give this some time and see if anything else comes up for you. it’s important to give yourself the time and space to heal and for those details to come back on their own. It can be distressing to not know where these things are coming from, but you can do damage to yourself when you actively search for memories that potentially aren’t ready to be explored.

Ultimately this could be something to explore with the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist, ideally one who specializes in trauma or dissociative disorders, can help you make sense of what you recall and give you ways to process this. Therapy can assist you in processing your emotions, managing dissociation, and gaining a deeper understanding of your trauma's impact.

Please know that healing is a gradual process, and it's normal to feel overwhelmed, confused, and uncertain at times. By reaching out and sharing your story, you're taking important steps towards healing and finding answers. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[khodorkovskaya]

Thank you v much for your response I really appreciate it

My ex used to do similar things tbh, except he would do it by messaging all the time, but if I didnt reply he would then start to accuse me of stuff (turns out he was doing everything he accused me of, if someone accuses you of stuff you're not doing, they're probs doing it) and would have me 2aiting all day for him to be ready so I could do anything at all because I would constantly be waiting dor him and then the day would be gone too.

But he would use super manipulative language too all the time, like I only do certain things because I love you, and if I didnt do stuff he wanted he would be super annoyed and upset or he would ignore me until he got what he wanted and then be happy. I found myself trying to please him all the time :(

This guy tho, a lil bot of context, some is probs my fault tbh, like when I like someone whether its romantically or platonic ally I get really nervous and at first when I talk to them I often reply slow because I'm nervous of making a mistake etc and putting them off so I'll wait hours because I'm thinking of the perfect reply etc... I do this with people I wanna be friends with too..... it's awful really I need to get out of the habit of it tbh... but anyway I did that with him but I've tried to speed it up a bit becasue j know it can be self destructive and I dont mean any harm by it but its prkbas partially my fault tbh

hey, it's natural to be nervous when talking to someone you like, everyone's like that, it's okay! but just don't obsess, you know? if he doesn't reply to your messages, well so be it. bc if you expect too much, you'll be even more disappointed.

and the most important thing here is, it's better to be alone that to be chasing after someone who doesn't care. i have to remind myself of that all the time... like yeah, sometimes it gets super lonely and you really really really wish you had that special connection with someone. but the feeling of loneliness is nothing compared to the feeling of frustration and feeling like you're not good enough for someone and the constant waiting for the other person to show any sort of affection. like i remember the things id put myself thru for my ex and it makes me shudder. id much rather be 10x more lonely than go thru that again.

and don't get me wrong, i don't want to victim blame, but it's very important to take responsibility for yourself too. if you know that you're susceptible to letting men walk all over you, watch out for the kind of behaviour that attracts manipulators who want to take advantage of that and change it. stand up to them and form relationships on your own terms and if it makes some men flee, it means that you're weeding out the bad ones. i know for sure that in my next relationship im not gonna be cancelling plans just for the possibility of him texting me, im not gonna be all pathetic if he wants to ignore me over a misunderstanding, im not gonna let him get away with things that cross my boundaries from day one, etc. it's gonna be hard bc you need to be very confident, know yourself well to know and assert your boundaries, but it's gonna be so worth it!

so about the guy you've been texting, please don't take things so close to heart! if he replies, great, if he doesn't, well so be it, no big deal. and i know it's hard bc im the first one start making wedding moodboards on pinterest the second i have a crush on someone lol, but girlie please don't worry about it so much! <3

[dustyy-angel]

Okay so skittery being adopted by another borough! (Queens) I have a whole backstory I was talking about it with @i-didnt-do-1t

OKAY BUT I CAN SAY SOMETHING NEWSIES CRAZY

I know the original made me sob and I always wish for it to end better for them. Heath ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal did a beyond amazing job so I'm excited to see how it does as a stage adaption. The I wish I knew how to quit you line is gonna punch Me right in the throat

Thank you I appreciate you ♡ you're a top tier human :) same for you ❤️

Ahhh my brain is sleepy and can't remember everything in your ask so I'm gonna respond to it in parts sorryyy

In the usa it's memorial day where we remember all those that have died in war. (But also people use as an excuse to barbecue and drink and the unofficial start to summer so alot of people do fireworks). I have some fireworks that I bought last year and didn't get to use and my brothers going to be gone for July 4th(independence day and a almost week-long time to use fireworks extravaganza-also when alot of fairs happen) SIDENOTE HAve I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY OBSESSION WITH FAIRS anyhow so we're setting the smallish things off tonight! I'll record it and send it to you if you like do you like fireworks?

ggNznd FLAILS OKAY I WILL TELL YOU ALL THE COOL THINGS

YES YOU CAN SAY SOMETHING NEWSIES CRAZY

I might need to find some time to watch it because that line alone has really grabbed my attention.

It might be too late but I absolutely love fireworks so if you did record them i'd love love love to see it! Please tell me about your fair obsession because I love the concept/idea of going to a fair but we don't really have them where I live so i've only been to like, one or two.

[1centillion]

Two things u thought were related might not be (i.e. body insecurity and body envy).

Relation between customer and farmers market seller. Is it awk bc you feel compelled to talk (by your own code you know you should be). alas the freedom of a grocery store and the ability to stare into your cart as long as you need and put things back. Back when people knew their grocers, was it less transactional with none of the awk? You saw them every week and a relationship must eventually get born. Since theres more routine, each trip probably has less variation (comp to your present day grocery trips where i buy fuck all) and maybe your grocer grows to inform you and your kitchen of what to make and how to make dinner

Walking around downtown, passing me is a well put together woman. Great hair, dream body excellent taste. She's really executing my ideal personal style but at a bettter rate. I am jealous of her. I want to look like her? I want to be her? Why? Your first assumption is that shes rich and pretty. A) remember that looks can be deceiving, you dont know anything about her, even if she was rich and pretty she could have a personality that you wouldnt trade for. But even if she did 2) why do you want to be her? what does she have that you want? you wish you had her clothing? you can. you know you can you know how to shop. find the pieces or sse that you liked and wear them together. You think youre missing out because you dont get to have the rest of her wardrobe. You think there must be pieces that youll like even better. Babe remember that the life unlived doesnt need to be examined. you want to be skinny like her? Figure that one out thats lame and not qualified to spark intense jealousy. Truly, this envy just means you think she looks great and youre inspired by her style. [Just realized idk if i bought those 3 silver rings bc i like how they look on my hand or bc i was trying to replicate someone else's beauty on my body (like, ive seen photos of ringed fingers that i like but idk if my hands and my ideal style vibe with that)] you want to live her life? Bc you think it must be more fun or glamourous or something? See my response re:the clothing its the same thing. If you want to work less or take a vacation, do it. Find a new job and you dont even want to go to fiji so dont be sweaty bc she does and you dont.

Seeing a couple in a movie get together and the story of their romance is epic. Jealousy? Yearning? Not fuel in me right now to dissect this. Is this something you want for yourself? Why?

Seeing a well dressed couple together in the street. Flash of jealousy but theres no fuel to really keep it going. Boredom. Rather than feel like you are missing out on the option to be loved and envied, be willing to appreciate the beauty they are the world. You see human forms and think that you could be in one of their places. But their love is not a beauty that you have as a theoretical possibility to wear, their love is like jun's cats living in the kitchen or a forrest on a mountain with a sunset. Coo and admire it, let your day be brightened by them.

Going to a bar alone. Apprehensive because you assume people will think youre weird. You dont have to go to a bar and put on a production of yourself so that someone thinks youre smart and comes to talk to you. Since overcoming my desire to date, this instinct has been less prevalent for me so im not going to spend much time on this. A fun way to be at a bar alone would be to look at tumblr and people watch. If its quiet, listen to music or listen to the bars music! Drop the desire to meet new people

Mushroom seller at the larchmont farmers market. smart to not approach. You didnt want mushrooms at all. You wanted to go so that hed approach you and chit chat. And if you did, most likely it would have just been regular pleasantries between farmers market guy and potential customer. And youre too shy to have been able to bare speaking to himanyways! If you werent and if the best theoretical scenario happened, itd be like: you approach the stall and conversation is struck up. You are nervous to be speaking to someone so cute. You experience shy ness. This is normal. Its only because you do not know him! And thats okay. Hes charming but not so charming youd want to date and would like your phone number. "Id love to be friends but to let you know, im not looking to date. Apologies for being presumptuous!" Honesty is the best policy. If he doesnt want your number anymore then it really is best and most relieving for all parties. Hes charming and youd like to get to know him better but you dont think youd like to date but youre willing to give it a try and he would like your phone number. Go on that first date and have fun! First date doesnt mean you have to lock him down, go have fun since youve already met you know the conversation wont be insufferable at least. Hes charming and his personality is even more charming and you want to date. If he doesnt ask for your number, thats okay cant win em all. Also in this scenario he's charming but not so charming youd ask for his number. If he asks for your number and a date, go on the date! Youre going to be so nervous and thats normal. Youll be more aware of yourself (compared to the date from prev theoretical) but thats normal too. Have fun! At the end of the day, you wanted the mushroom seller to talk to you because you wanted the compliment of looking interesting and pretty. Which is fine but cant let it result in a loss of cash or time.

Oh btw u def bought two loaves of bread bc you were worried about what they were thinking of you (wrong motivation) which led to over eating bread since you had too much in the house (lame consequence) you know what you want to do. Do not stray. Do not revert to old habits, shake off the flinch and execute. Ugh it *is* guilt inducing to walk up to a stall without buying anything. And you feel that way bc youve been a girl scout manning a booth that gets overlooked. Its fine to feel this but you have to balance your actions with your desires. If the feeling is so strong that day, pick a baker and buy their loaf and thats it dont worry about missing out on other bread. If you are curious about the bread, steel yourself against the guilt. Do not overspend and over exert yourself for such silly a reason.

[yogurtlid10000]

okay so you probably shouldn’t respond to this message so you aren’t harassed again but… as a fellow NHK artist I’m getting annoyed with that one person who hunts through the NHK tag and tells everyone to put image descriptions. I just don’t think a blind audience is looking at art blogs? And if it isn’t loading, there’s no reason to like it or reblog if you can’t see it. I understand when it’s things like memes or some videos, but I’m getting annoyed when I only post art and I’m told to cater to people who want nothing to do with my art. Again I don’t want them coming after you again so just sending this to let you know you aren’t alone in this :,)

hi anonymous!!!!! so first of all THANK U!! for telling me this!!! yay! and when u say "NHK" i assume you mean... Houseki No Kuni right? (i call it HNK) but uh yes the person who keeps on commenting on my hnk posts about adding image descriptions is something I have encountered personally! i know that image descriptions are used for blind or visually impaired audiences and a device can read out loud the caption so that people can see it.... Ok so anyway the person kept on asking me in my comments but I did explain to them my own reasons for not putting them! Ill put them here too... (please respect my opinion and yada yada) ok 1) it's my choice and my art, and I don't believe im actively being discriminative by not putting descriptions! I promise you that I am not discriminatory against blind or visually impaired people. 2) I'm not mainstream nor probably have a large blind audience, so I personally don't see the need for me.

I did explain to this to the person, multiple times in the comments of my hnk posts, but they seemed to ignore my reasoning, and continued to ask, so I felt uncomfortable and I decided to block them! Anyway then they used the anonymous question feature here n tumblr to ask me AGAIN why I didn't put descriptions. I had told them before that I wish they could respect my choice and respect that we have different opinions, and to leave me alone. Going as far to use the anonymous question feature after I had blocked them was kinda.... not it for me, so I decided to ignore their question!! Unfortunately soon after they sent another anonymous question saying that if I did not answer why I don't put image descriptions (which I had answered previously in the comments) they would report me!! SO aight that was enough for me, I didn't feel like telling them again when they clearly weren't very reciprocating, i reported them for uhhh harassment, idk if they reported me because I didnt put descriptions, just wish they could have respected my boundaries.

Really appreciate you telling me that I don't have to post this, but I already blocked them, and also thank u again for telling me im not alone in this

hmmm this turned out a lot longer than i intended! Just wanted to clear up my experience with it, that's all :))) hope u have a good day anonymous, ask me if u have any questionnnss yay yay yay

more phos art soon hopefully :33

[baptistsuicidewidow]

Today this song was in my head, which is easy since it's a repetitive thing I made up while it was recording back in 2017 or so. The song tries to illustrate how no one close to you has met 100% of your expectations, and every human has disappointing moments, even yourself.

I think I need to compile a list of songs that make me feel better during this time.

Anyway, music is such a weird topic for me in general, and now it just got even weirder. I used to be obsessed with the vanity of being 'in the know' with THE BEST NEW MUSIC... I wasted an embarrassing amount of time on that. Music was like an idol for me. Then I got hyper into Christianity, and I didnt know what to do with myself, since here I was stuck with snobby tastes. I abandoned music with lyrics for awhile, and then eventually abandoned music for awhile.

But now that I'm driving, and my car isnt new enough to have Bluetooth setup, I find myself needing some music.

When I learned that my husband did NOT kill himself in our new van, I was relieved. If he had, I for sure would have to sell it/wouldn't be able to drive in it. (To this day I still dont know exactly how he did it..., I just know it was in the basement). So when I first went to the house to collect what all was needed for the next week, I was also able to pick up the van and start heading for Sterling, IL.

My husband was the type that would listen to a cd over, and over, and over, and over without ever seeing the need to change the music. Most of his favorite music was not 'my jam', as he really actually preferred barbershop quartets singing hymns, and 'Gaither music'.

So out of curiosity, I turned on the cd player and tried to appreciate his music anew.

It wasn't long until this cd made me physically sick and weirded out. The cd's theme is fixated on how exciting going to heaven is. How we just cant wait to get to heaven. I couldn't help but imagine my husband in the basement all alone with these damn songs running around his confused mind before he did what he did.

I turned off the cd immediately. Tried to listen to anything else. I've stayed in that mode ever since, even to the point of listening to secular radio, which isn't a good long-term solution. I threw the cd away. I kept going to church and one church I attended anonymously just sang song after song about how excited we all are about heaven. I just cried the whole time.

I do not like these songs now-Can't sing them.

I keep thinking, "How about we get excited for living our lives for Christ down here, huh?" I can guarantee you that I won't be singing these 'sweet release of death' songs anytime soon.

It's as Paul wrote:

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not. For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. Philippians 1:21-24

We needed Jeremiah. I need him. It was VERY needful for him to stay. I wish he finished his runaway train of thought with the following verses as Paul concludes:

And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith; That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again. Only let your conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ: that whether I come and see you, or else be absent, I may hear of your affairs, that ye stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel; Philippians 1:25-27

So here I try to stand fast. Striving. And I hope after God's healing and time I can get back to what was our household's favorite thing to do, and give the gospel of Jesus again.

[nicekaylee]

july fucking 31st

it's 2 am

after the show i said fuck all of THIS

and went on a fucking vacation. and getting therapy

and it's been going pretty sick, therapy not started. but anyways thats a write up for another day. im just going to talk about something specific that happened today.. im so pissed, and heartbroken.

CONTEXT

in my past 3 years of wasting my life on this god damn album, someone i knew a bit lit up my life in the last year,2022. this girl. the way she dresses just opened up a new sense of inspiration for me that ive never had before. so i get to know her a bit more once we hang out, and then i get to know how similar our interest in things are. we talk on the phone, and it's really nice. i knew after my birthday that this girl was someone special to me. and even though she's inspiration, i wanted to know i wanted to be there to care for her and be a closer companion, especially after knowing her past history and how i feel like she may have not felt that. fast forward 10 fucking months and im no where closer. in fact, even further away. i bet this girl doesn't think about me at all. and i'm just confused cause she barely shows any emotion at all. like one of the hardest people to understand, yet im still so invested. but it's getting very one sided. I got very depressed after my birthday, and then super focused on my album so i had little social life.. if any at all. not one message of empathy from her.. a couple of times seeing her, but never alone.. but whatever that's not the real point of the story. that was all just context. THE REAL STORY

so it's july 2023 i can't look at her as a friend, cause i have too many feelings. we talk minimally but theres a group chat thats kinda our saving grace. and just recently, she started med school in galveston. fuck. during my vacation, i'm trying to enjoy my life more. ive always wanted to wait till after my album is done, where i feel like my life will be easier, but now a days im thinking.. fuck that. i'm tired of waiting to be in the right time of my life because i can't bottle these feelings any longer. like fr this shit is bothering me so much. i'm getting older and just wishing and having this crush with no substance makes no sense.

so i need to tell her asap.

i wanted to see her in galveston. somehow ended up into a group friend thing to visit her in galveston, then her mom shut that down.

because she is in the most complicated situation literally not meant for dating at all. no car, mom takes her everywhere, curfew as fuck,her mom doesnt even want her around guys, what the actual fuck. but fuck it, she makes time to hang out in houston..for like 2 hours.. but i appreciate it honestly i understand her life situation.

TODAY she pulls up to my friends house with her brother cause her moms a freak about her going out. it's another group hangout. how tf am i gonna tell her my feelings?? anyways,

i mention i went to galveston and she seems UPSET THAT I DIDNT TELL HER?? CAUSE SHE COULDA MADE A WAY TO SEE ME..

NOW SHE WANTS TO SEE ME? WTF. idk dude it's so hard to understand her. so that was some good insight. but it's the past so whatever..

we play mario party on the switch. finish and it's about time to go. i whip out a surprise bag with gifts i wanted to treat my 2 other friends and her with! snacks for one, a fork for another, and i got her these super cute pens. she seemed to like them! she then says i didn't have to get this cause she knows im broke. WTF. honestly, shit was funny. idc but then she starts talking to me or us about some more details of her school life. she seems to always looks at me more. like most of the time. i LOVE that, but i have no clue how basic that is for her. she tells me shes finally gonna start her dream cover band, which is sick, love to hear that. someone said i should do a cover band.. i made a face and was going to say i actually do plan on it--

THEN SHE FUCKING CUTS ME OFF. AND FUCKING SAYS I SHOULD MAKE CUTE JINGLES FOR MY GIRLFRIEND(S)?? LIKE HALLMARK CARDS w pretty messages and simple JINGLES?? .....WHAT THE FUCK...

im staring at her like about to fucking lose my mind... cause i want to do that FOR HER. i almost impulsivey confess everything i feel to her. but everyone was right around me, her brother too. and i didn't know if it would be bad for her brother to hear..and have him spread info to her mom ..which will fuck her over more. i didn't wanna do that. so i just calmed down and played dumb. she left and said it's gonna be a long time till she'll see us again. what the fuck. im so mad. my friends said i shoulda just told her right there.. but idk it was so much random pressure and i wanted to be courteous and not fuck her over..

but jesus fucking christ im so mad. or some other word to describe how riled up that got me. this woman needs to know how i feel. i actually dont give a fuck anymore. im a grown dude and that annoys me that this is all weird puzzle solving teenage shit. cause if she was hinting, fuck her so im going to galveston this wednesday. giving her A SPECIAL hallmark card with a beautiful art of her and a BEAUTIFUL SONG only for her. not for OTHER girlfriends.. FOR HER. she is the one i want to make these things for . she needs to know shes the one i care about. before some asshole gets to her in galveston. honestly i actually dont care. i just wanna make sure she knows how special she is to me. that'll give me peace of mind. and she says no, then honestly im okay. anyways im doing it. wednesday. cant bottle this in anymore. i really hope she lets me see her man. i just want to let her know how special she is to me. it'll hurt my heart knowing if i never did anything. and maybe she'll share something loving as well

maybe