#i really am sorry if i misinterpreted something or that my thoughts on grief and despair and their difference lacks nuance | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yaboylevi · 4 years ago

Note

Hi! I love ur blog, especially ur Snk Metas and Ereri metas. What are your thoughts on the whole “Eren has always been like this” (always been evil or capable of great evils like genocide) that a lot of people seem to agree on? I’ve always had a hard time believing in that idea because we’ve been shown multiple times that Eren is capable of sympathy and empathy, so to say he’s ALWAYS been like this is wrong.

Hi! Thank you!!

Looking through my snk 121 tag I found that I have already received similar questions, so I’m gonna link one here if you want the short version of it. Even if it was something I wrote up right after the chapter was out, it’s not like my opinion has changed much... more like, my faith in Isayama writing a decent conclusion and explanation in regards to Eren has plummeted in the past year and a half.

But anyway, now we have some new information pertaining Eren, so I feel like I can add more on this moment and my take on it in light of such new perspective.

Let me preface this with: Eren hates what he’s doing, is despising every second, was scared of his future visions, often paralyzed, desperate to find a better solution than this, because he knows - let me repeat it - HE KNOWS this is horrifying. We had hints throughtout the story, but many have ignored them. For me, Eren going through grief and apologizing for something he hadn’t even done yet in chapters 131 was no shocker at all, but I guess some people may have actually been surprised, I don’t know. It was right there since the Marley arc and his breakdown over Sasha, but many have completely misinterpreted that scene, denying it was desperation that he was feeling, so it was nice to finally have confirmation. Kinda.

However, you know, Isayama doesn’t seem to have picked a side on his characterization of Eren. Or maybe there is still something that’s concealed, because everything we have seen, isn’t evething that has happened, and it doesn’t explain yet some things about Eren and, relevant to this post, why Eren has decided to give up and give in to his future self’s memories of destruction. I’m sorry, but Eren believing “there is no other way, other than killing the whole world’s population, because the future cannot be changed” due to some memories is not gonna cut it, especially because we haven’t seen him fight too hard against it. In my opinion, at least. Or maybe he did, but we haven’t been shown.

The most hopeful part of my heart wishes he is already trying to change things, in a very roundabout and secret way, but the tired and logical part is done hoping. After all, Eren is alternating between being hellbent on going through with rumbling the world, and being absolutely horrified by it. I’ve been getting whiplash every month for a couple of years now.

As for your actual question, and that line during the Paths Time Travel...

Let’s start from here, shall we? That whole conversation with Zeke in Paths was to Zeke what chapter 112 was to Mikasa and Armin, imo. Chapter 121, huh, same numbers...but anyways. I think I have already wrote it somewhere, but I believe Eren lied, and purposely hurt Zeke. To make him, and Mikasa and Armin, realize something and act accordingly, maybe against Eren himself.

In Mikasa’s case, the realization was gradual since then, because Eren’s lies kickstarted it immediately. In Armin’s case, I think we still haven’t seen the full potential of it, though it may come next chapter - and I mean the “You were influenced by Bertolt, an enemy” angle. I am surprised Armin hasn’t followed this reasoning in regards to Eren, who has three titans within him, none of them particularly allied with Paradis. We left Armin seeing Bertolt, who is, in turn, watching him. I wonder if a conversation won’t happen right off the bat in chapter 136.

Anyhow, Eren, in chapter 112, also very much hit Armin and Mikasa where it hurt them the most - which is the same thing he did to Zeke here, bringing up his hate for Grisha and how it was the only think really fuelling him, and went through all the effort of making him reconcile with Grisha. Mmm, sus. Am I the only one feeling it’s sus??? I really have to wonder if he doesn’t kind of want/need Zeke to stop him, just like I believe he did with Armin and Mikasa. After all, there was no need to antagonize them and make them have reasons to stop caring for him, if he didn’t want to be stopped.

So, if it wasn’t already clear, Eren is a big liar, and he’s good at it if you don’t know him (and Zeke, Armin, and Mikasa have proven they don’t know or understand him very well at times). His acting skills have been shown all the way back in the cabin scene when he was 8 years old and tricked those traffickers.

There is another layer to these lies that I’d like to touch upon, though.

The line you were inquiring about feels exactly like his “I am free” in chapter 112. He sounds so sure, but it is a freaking lie.

See how both Armin and Mikasa are confused by such a bold, out-of-the-blue statement, the same way Zeke asks Eren “Since birth?” because, like, what is that all even about?

Eren has been feeling trapped in his own future memories to the point that his freedom of choice even existing anymore has become a big question mark. There is no freedom in following the path you were shown.

Eren’s urge to save someone from “having their freedom solen” by “physically assaulting the perpetrators first” has never, ever meant that he was willing to or okay with sacrificing innocents. Quite the opposite, in fact. There have been whole arcs about that. About Eren freaking out over people dying for him, refusing to sacrifice friends for the bigger picture, grieving for or sympathizing with innocents losing their lives or having them destroyed by some bigger threat. That has not changed.

So the big question remains: Why?

With these outrageous and confident statements about himself, I don’t think Eren is merely lying to his interlocutor to change their perception of him. I think he is lying to himself as well in the meantime. It looks like it did the trick, or not - based on how you want to interpret it. He really has been dissociating hard during his rampage.

But it all depends on what Isayama's angle is with Eren. In 112 Eren seemed to believe his “I am free” statement because he had an instant reaction to Armin challenging it. At the same time, now that we also have chapter 130-131 to enrich our reading, there is no way Eren felt free into the choices he made after hearing Willy’s declaration of war. He saw a terrifying future, he hoped against hope that it would change, but felt powerless and gutted and desperate that all pointed to such a future being unchangeable. So I do wonder if maybe he didn’t end up lying to himself - subconsciously or not - that he is free... and that he is always been this way - a cold-blooded murderer who did it all for justice.

Zoom in on Eren forlornly watching himself as a kid show pure kindess to a girl who just went through the most traumatizing experience in her life.

For the matter, I don’t believe Eren “has always been this way”. I actually don’t believe he’s ever been that way. I don’t know why many(?) people just accept whatever Eren says at face value, ignoring all context surronding it.

As I posted very recently, it doesn’t make sense for Eren to go from one extreme to the other without a better excuse, or explanation, or a more believable writing of it...or a plot twist that I guess I will wait for for another 4 months:

Eren came to realize that outside the walls people are just...well, people. There are good ones everywhere, people who suffered just like him, people who deserve better, certainly don’t deserve to be caught up in the Rumbling, people who have lives, children, moms, loved ones. This is highlighted again in chapter 131, because maybe, when Eren brought it up in the basement with Falco and Reiner, people didn’t think he was being genuine. So Isayama shows us again that Eren truly believed that.

And yet, the chapter before, Eren put those very same people on the same level of Titans when he used to think Titans were scum, a nightmare sent to eat them alive, because he addressed them with “匹”, a derogatory counter when applied to people, because it is usually used for small animals.

The parallel to how he used to feel towards Titans is smacked in our faces, because in Japanese, it’s the same exact line. He now feels that way about people.

...What?

It doesn’t make sense, right?

Because really, the same way Eren’s first impulse in Marley was to save Ramzi when he was being beaten up (and threatened with a worse fate than some bruises), the same way Eren helped him regardless and again went against 3 full-grown men, it’s the same way Eren rushed to Mikasa’s rescue when he didn’t even know her... or the same way he pushed himself into a Titan’s mouth just to save Armin. it doesn’t come from a sentiment of “I need to punish these monsters because they are threatening me”. It comes from a natural, intrinsic need to help and save others. It is deeply saddening that at the end of this journey, with Ramzi, he just feels like this natural predisposition of his is just a fake and turns him into a hypocrite.

So for Eren to say he has always been that way while looking at his 8 years old self stabbing a human trafficker in the chest to save a little girl to try and explain why he’s killing innocent people who happens to be living alongside “the bad guys” is a false equivalence. Either it’s a lie Eren tells himself and to Zeke to make both of them believe this is what Eren is, and has always been, and there is nothing they could do to prevent it - in a sort of twisted liberation from guilt because “if I was always like this, then you and I both shouldn’t have expected anything different”...

...or it’s Isayama’s failed attempt at presenting a theoretical concept he liked and talked about in interviews, suddenly turning Eren into a poster boy for it and canceling previous sides of Eren’s complexity as a character. I would like to believe Isayama hasn’t lost his magic touch this badly, but every day I’m less sure of it.

My opinion, for what is worth, is that that line you quoted is something he said to trick Zeke into detaching himself from Eren and going against him - breaking the bonds of love all around him has been a very deliberate choice Eren has made post time-skip - and at the same time it’s something Eren is trying to believe himself, in a desperate attempt at explaining to his own conscience that he was destined to bring such destruction, that he was always capable of it, and that there is a sort of justice in it where there isn’t. And he knows, deep down. That’s why he dissociates in the end.

In a very twisted, self-deprecating way, Eren is a liar to everyone, himself included. He has become an unreliable narrator about himself. Eren has completely shut down because he cannot stand what he is doing.

And I would very much like to know why he gave up on trying to find a different solution, if that’s what it is that happened, and why he sounds like a different person every other scene he appears in, in the next 4 months.

#eren yeager #snk spoilers #snk meta #shingeki asks

32 notes · View notes

k7l4d4 · 3 years ago

Text

Midnight Striga: Fairy Tail/Owl House Cross Fic Episode 4 Part 2

Here is another piece of Midnight Striga! Everybody Clap Your Hands!!

‘Life,’ Luz mused, ‘is utterly random.’ She slowly turned her latest find over in her hands. An Archive Terminal, a portable link to the information distribution magic system known as Archive. How Eda got her hands on it, Luz didn’t know, but it was an amazing boon for sure. Somehow, the device had full connection, accessing the open source information of Archive; admittedly, this should’ve been impossible in a normal Terminal, which meant she probably had a black-market unit.

Luz smirked. This wasn’t the first time she had handled illegally modified gear, and it probably wouldn’t be the last; the real issue was keeping this thing in good shape. Black-Chapter Magic Items, tools that had been deliberately modified to make illegal operations easier, were typically made to break down easily once they served their purpose or if they became separated from their owners. In the end, she was fairly sure that wouldn’t be a problem, and she just got one of the best teaching aids she could possibly get in her current situation.

Her face shifted into suspicion. On second thought, it shouldn’t be possible for her to have gotten this in her current situation. Luz’s luck had been odd ever since she’d arrived on the Isles, and strange coincidences were starting to pile up, including the appearance of this Terminal. Still, there wasn’t much she could do about the odd goings on around this place, and she couldn’t afford to turn away something this useful, shady circumstances or not.

“LUZ!” King’s voice rang out, jarring Luz from her thoughts. Taking quick stock of her supplies for when she went in for work, Luz sighed, preparing to face the lovable tyrant-wannabe.

“King, whatever this is better be important, please.” Luz groaned, making her way through the door, stuffing the Terminal into the pocket of her jacket. “I really don’t think Eda will be too happy about you interrupting her-” She cut off, eyes widening at the sight before her. Boscha, the bratty girl who had tried, and failed, to give her grief on her first outing into Bonesburough, witnessed her showdown against that creep Adegast, and newly minted Devil Slayer, was currently sitting on the couch, King pacing next to her, looking incredibly uncomfortable. “-Sleep.” Luz numbly finished.

“Oh, so you live here.” Boscha said blandly. Luz suppressed a shudder, the girl was far worse off than she had feared; it was like she had no life in her at all, as if she had nothing other than a desire to keep going. Or maybe she was misinterpreting this? Either way, it was creepy. Boscha slowly pulled herself to her feet, rolling her neck. “Sorry you’ve got to see me like this.” She said, gesturing at her attire. It was only then that Luz realized that the girl’s clothing was coated in holes and damaged patches, some areas even having the frayed look of burned fabric, yet also damp. Oddly enough, or maybe not if Luz’s suspicions were correct, Boscha herself looked completely fine, if not a bit drenched by the now raging rainstorm outside.

“Yeah,” Luz drawled. “Funny how things like this just happen, you know?” She plopped herself down in the nearby chair, gazing at the potentially dangerous girl in front of her. “So, I hate to be rude for once, but why are you here, exactly?”

Boscha gave a slight lift to her shoulder, a faint blush to her face. “I was practicing in the woods, trying to get myself back to normal, when I spotted the clouds forming.” She looked down at her clothes, a slightly perplexed look on her face. “I was prepared to track down a cave or something after I realized I had no way of getting to shelter in time, when I spotted this place.” She gestured to the house surrounding them, both tuning out Hooty’s preening from outside at the attention. “And I rushed for the barrier, hoping I could get through. I was willing to beg for shelter if I needed to, but…” she looked down at her hands, sliding them over her face in mystified wonder. “The rain caught up to me.” She gave Luz a critical look. “How, exactly, am I not a boiled up husk right now? Just what exactly did you do to me?” She finished, a hint of genuine emotion entering her voice; fear.

“You mean besides saving your life?” Luz asked dryly. Her face shifted into a look of consideration. “To be honest, I’m not sure how much I can tell you.” She held up a hand, holding off any protests. “But that’s mostly because this isn’t a usual situation by any means. Usually implanting a Lacrima will just grant you a boost to whatever magic the Lacrima is based off of. End of story, close the book and all that.” Her eyes snapped to Boscha, a serious look on her face. “However. This isn’t the usual circumstance for something like this, especially not the type of Lacrima you got implanted into you.”

Boscha made a confused noise. “You keep using that word, Lacrima. What even is that?”

Luz snorted. “It’s the proper term for that magic crystal you snagged that night I fought Adegast. Or, more accurately, it’s the proper term for crystals like it; raw magic condensed into the form of a crystal, and chock-full to the brim with power.” A worried grin stretched across Luz’s face. “If I’m being honest, the fact that you have that thing stuck inside you now is honestly pretty terrifying, but it was either that or let you die, not to mention the fact you’d have taken the school with you.”

Boscha slowly nodded, processing the information. “Okay, so that thing was pure magic. What kind?” She folded her arms over her chest. “I’d like to think that I have a right to know just what was messing with my head.” She left out her worry about it happening again.

“Heh, fair enough.” Luz agreed. Her hand idly reached for one of the spare sheets of paper she had left lying around, gripping it. “But first, you hungry?”

The question surprised Boscha, but she nodded, not wanting to pass up free food if it was being offered. Of course, she expected it to be actual food, not… a rolled up piece of paper that had been set on fire.

She turned to Luz. “Are you serious?”

“Uh huh!” Luz glibly stated.

“There is no way I’m going-” Boscha started, only to cut off as a heady scent filled her nose. She slowly turned back to the offered paper, nose twitching. “Going to…” She trailed off, eyes glazing, a line of drool starting to dribble down from her mouth. With a blank look in her eyes, Boscha’s jaw widened… and clamped down on the flame.

With a blissful sigh, she contentedly chewed on the flame, and there was no mistaking she was eating FIRE, seeing as she hadn’t even touched the paper the flame was holding onto. As she chewed, a rich, earthy flavor, like the best vegetable soup she’d ever tasted, filled her mouth. As she slowly swallowed the flame, a look of bliss, the kind that only came from good food, crossed her face… only to switch to dumbfounded shock as she started to process her own actions.

Turning a baffled look to Luz, who was grinning like the cat that got the canary, Boscha tentatively asked. “Did I just eat fire?” At Luz’s slow, grinning nod, Boscha gave a groan, cupping her face in her hands. “What did that thing do to me?”

Luz’s grin faded. “Well, for starters, it turned you into a Devil Slayer, the Flame Devil Slayer from what I can tell.” As Boscha whipped her head up in shock, Luz continued. “Basically, Slayers are mages whose magic is specifically designed to combat and harm specific forms of beings that are ordinarily beyond the abilities of Human Mages to combat.” She leveled a look of warning towards Boscha, who became still under the intense stare. “As a Slayer, you are stronger, faster, more durable, and have an instinctive bond with the element or concept your magic manifests as, and can absorb sources of your element to replenish your magic and as a substitute for food.”

Luz crossed her arms, and leaned back. She just had to wait and see how the girl was going to respond to what had just been dropped on her. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed King walking off, grumbling about not being able to concentrate. Aw well, his loss.

Boscha stood in place, utterly still. If what the human was saying was true, it basically meant her goal had just been radically changed. Before, she was just trying to get herself to a point where she didn’t have to worry about losing it and killing someone, and gaining control of her magic again was the first step to that. But now, what was the point? The way the human said it, she was basically a Demon-Killing weapon. People could never be safe around her entirely, not here, not in the Demon Realms, and certainly not on the Boiling Isles.

Whether this human realized it or not, her actions had irrevocably changed Boscha’s future. Boscha grit her teeth, temper rising from the cool numbness that clouded her mind so easily ever since that fight she had at the school. Why. Why was this happening? Was she really so awful that something like this was necessary!? As her thoughts started to spiral, Boscha’s fists sparked into flames.

“What kind of crap is this?” She muttered, drawing a confused look from her host, the human cocking her head in bewilderment. “First, I lost control and put a bunch of people in the healer’s offices, then I burned Skara, and now I gained some kind of crazy Human Magic that’s totally wrecked my control!?”

Her voice was growing hysterical, a frantic edge filling it. “By the Titan, I get it, I’m garbage, a worthless nobody who thought she was bigger than she was, but why is this happening?” She collapsed back into her seat, energy draining out of her, her emotions pouring out in a haze of angry tears. “What am I going to do with myself now?” She looked at her hands, the memories of each and every demon she had brutalized over that four day haze coming to the forefront.

A clinking sound drew her attention. She looked up, seeing the human, Luz. She had set a glass of water in front of her. “So, are you done with your little pity party?” Luz asked, giving Boscha a look of sardonic amusement.

Boscha’s temper flared. “What was that?” She bit out.

“You. Having a pity party.” Luz bluntly stated. “Because that’s basically what’s going on.”

Boscha shot to her feet, flames bursting in her hands. “You have no idea what I’ve been going through! I’ve lost almost everything! My friends, my social life, my world view… EVERYTHING!!” She shouted.

“Yadda yadda yadda, I’m in pain and want to take it out on someone.” Luz deadpanned. “Got it.” With a furious shout, Boscha lashed out with her flames, blood red light flaring, only for Luz to catch her arm and lock it to the side, any showing the slightest hints of strain. She raised an eyebrow. “Cute.” Lightly pushing Boscha back into her seat, Luz got in close. “You aren’t the only person who’s got issues in the world, you know? The way you feel is totally valid of course, but acting as if you’ve got nothing left helps no one, especially yourself.”

Boscha snorted. “What could you possibly know about what I’m going through?” She slammed a hand down on the table. “I hurt people, I hurt my best friend! And to make it all just a little bit worse, it turned out I was going to explode, and the only thing that could prevent it ended up costing me my magical ability. I have to learn everything from scratch now!!” She turned slightly teary eyes towards Luz. “How could you possibly understand what’s happening to me?”

Luz sighed, knowing this wasn’t going to be pretty. Working her sleeve up, she showed her upper arm to Boscha, who reeled back, prompting a bitter grin from Luz. The sight of the scarred tissue running from her shoulder to her elbow was certainly stomach turning to look at. “I am intimately familiar with losing control of your magic, and the type of injuries, physical and emotional, that can cause.” Once she was sure Boscha had gotten as good a luck as she needed, Luz rolled her sleeve down, placing both hands on the sides of her face, staring at the girl.

“You are still alive.” She said simply. “Is this a massive change for you, something that you had no control over? Absolutely. But you are still alive, and that means you can change it. You may never get back what you lost, but you can make a new life for yourself, forge new connections and new bonds with others. You have to start over with your magic? Fine, so you have to start from scratch. That just means you can relearn it, and maybe learn something new.” She gently placed Boscha’s shaking hands between her own. “I said before that I would be willing to help you with making the world make sense again. That offer is still on the table. Just let me help you, okay?”

That fateful confrontation with Skara flashed through Boscha’s mind again. Tears pricked at her eyes. “You're right.” She slowly nodded. “I can’t give up just because I got some news I wasn’t expecting. This is a setback, not the end of the world.” She slapped her cheeks. “Gah, I can’t believe I let myself get stuck in my head like that! So embarrassing.”

Luz chuckled. “Hey, it could be worse.”

“How so?” Boscha dryly asked, still reeling from how much her moods had shifted over this conversation.

“You could’ve said all that in public.” Luz grinned impishly.

Boscha blinked, before paling. “Yeah, that would’ve been way worse.” While she didn’t care about social standing and jockeying as much anymore, she still had enough self-respect and pride not to be indifferent to public embarrassment.

Luz stood, stretching herself out. “Well, now that we’ve got that bit of awkwardness out of the way, do you have any more questions?”

“Just two.” Boscha replied, holding up two fingers in response. “Firstly, how did I manage not to get burned by the rain, and secondly, do you think you could help me get my magic under control?” She said her second request with a note of desperation. She really wanted this issue with her control to be done with.

“To the first, as a Flame-Element Slayer, the amount of heat needed to hurt you is so much more than the heat in the rain that it basically instantly cools on contact. No more issues with Boiling Rain for you, right?” Luz grinned at Boscha’s look of relish at the thought of not having to worry about one of the Isles’ most common and annoying forms of weather, before her smile gained a slightly sadistic edge. “And to the second, sure! Of course I can train you. No problem at all.” She chuckled. Boscha had the feeling she may be in danger at that moment.

#the owl house #fairy tail #owl house au #fairy tail au #owl house crossover #fairy tail crossover #luz noceda #boscha the owl house #king the owl house #magic

1 note · View note

lilacandladybugs · 4 years ago

Note

What’s your current relationship with god? I’m very curious lmao

I’m sorry if this sounds incomprehensible and rambly and disjointed or pretentious. I care a lot more about this than almost anything else in the world and I wish I could do a better job of explaining myself. But I feel like why I believe in God or what my relationship with him is like is like trying to explain who I am. And I’m just the accumulation of everything I’ve ever experienced or that I think and I feel like it’s really important that I communicate it correctly so here is my attempt.

Here’s a video that’s really good that I think will give some good background information. If you don’t want to read all of this, the video is probably enough to explain.

youtube

TLDR: This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. Death isn’t supposed to happen, it isn’t a part of the natural order of things. God loved us so much he died to fix it, and rose again to defeat death. God loves me and I love him, and I’ve never found peace or fulfillment like that in anything else.

I hope this makes sense anon let me know if you have any questions or if I misinterpreted your question.

TW suicide // grief // abuse // rape mention (not v bad or graphic or anything)

Long version:

I think I've always thought that there's something naturally (for lack of a better word) poetic about existing. Not really meaning that it's good, but kind of that everything feels really purposeful it seems to flow together like an old epic. Everything seems intensely meaningful to me.

I've always thought that life was tragic. That death is a fracture in the way things are, like we live in the ancient ruins of a long lost civilization.

And I've always thought that life seems like an incomprehensibly wonderful gift, because how can there be tragedy if there isn't anything worth losing? But somehow it seems like peace is the basic way things are, that normalcy isn't normal at all but like this status quo of goodness which makes bad things happening not only heart breaking but surprising.

Reconciling all of those ideas is really confusing.

I'm a strong proponent of thinking analytically about what you believe since the answer we choose to the question of whether or not God exists is like quite literally something we bet our lives on. We bet our life that God exists or that he doesn't, that things have meaning anchored in an external source or that they don't.

So while I grew up a Christian I've never felt really dead in it. I want to be uncomfortable. I want to be stubborn in asking questions and I don't have a problem with questioning authorities on why they believe what they believe—especially if they really confidently assert it. I want to be able to know things and understand them.

My junior year of high school three of my closest childhood friends died, and several others almost died. I remember sitting up at like two am listening to twenty one pilots self titled album just like seething and exhausted asking lord why would you abandon me like that?

Some other really horrible things happened to people that I cared about, I felt abandoned and rejected by Christians just for being broken, some of them caused it or contributed to the trauma and abuse. How could people who claimed the name of God do that?

My debate partner's best friend killed himself the same year that my friends died, and he became an atheist and I stayed a Christian. We fought about it a lot. I really seriously considered becoming an atheist.

The thing that I couldn't accept was the lack of eternality.

Really ironically I think I stayed a Christian for the same reason that my friend became an atheist. We were both asking why all of the living world is crying out in anguish. We both wanted to die. We both were angry. We both were horrified.

My friend thought that the question of “where is God?” was harder to answer than “why is there meaning to death?”

I'm a Christian because I'm horrified. He's an atheist for the same reason.

If you don’t feel like reading it, here’s the TLDR: there is no reason for someone to do something or not do something if God isn’t there to tell them to. There isn’t a moral grounding for law.

Arthur Leff was an atheist law professor at Yale in the eighties, and he wrote about the moral grounding for laws in his essay, Unspeakable Ethics, Unnatural Law. The question he was asking was what can we do to ground morality? What can we do to prove objectively that there are things one ought to do and things one ought not do?

I am unwilling to accept that. There is something evil about abuse, neglect, rape, torture. There is something about these things that violates human rights, human dignity. There's something about them that goes against objective moral law.

But without God there is no moral law. So I wouldn't be able to say, "you should never rape someone, because rape is wrong." And everything that I had experienced flew in the face of that.

Dr. Leff wrote this about that question;

“All I can say is this: it looks as if we are all we have. Given what we know about ourselves and each other, this is an extraordinarily unappetizing prospect; looking around the world, it appears that if all men are brothers, the ruling model is Cain and Abel. Neither reason, nor love, nor even terror, seems to have worked to make us "good," and worse than that, there is no reason why anything should. Only if ethics were something unspeakable by us, could law be unnatural, and therefore unchallengeable. As things now stand, everything is up for grabs.

Nevertheless:

Napalming babies is bad.

Starving the poor is wicked.

Buying and selling each other is depraved.

Those who stood up to and died resisting Hitler, Stalin, Amin, and Pol Pot-and General Custer too-have earned salvation.

Those who acquiesced deserve to be damned.

There is in the world such a thing as evil.

[All together now:] Sez who?

God help us.”

In the end, it comes down to this; Do I believe that the complexity of the universe is because there was someone intelligent actively involved in its design, do I believe that information, reason, logic, emotion, and morality exist and are reliable because they have grounding in God’s identity? Do I believe that God is who he says he is?

And I guess the answer to those questions was yes.

I saw God. He was there in the stillness - in the sunrise and sunset and at 2 am after I couldn't cry anymore. I felt him. And I know part of his goodness that I wish I never had to know. I felt like I was lying breathless bleeding out in a gutter watching the stars. Almost like a pause - just a moment in time where I was hurt enough, still enough to hear his voice.

One of the most important things I learned is that life is not hopeless. If life is a story, then the last chapter of the book has already been written. This is the premise of the song It is Well with My Soul by Horatio G. Spafford.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul”

The powers of evil and darkness can take away my friends, my sanity, my family, and even my life, but God has already saved me, and I can find peace in spite of my circumstances. Three of my friends died, but God has already conquered death. I feel powerless, but God is powerful. I feel abandoned, but God loves me so much that he died a horrible torturous death for me. Living in light of that is peace.

Whenever I felt like I couldn’t keep going there would be something to stop me. I heard his voice in music, and in my friends that held me when I cried, and in morning glories on my morning walk. I kept lists of all of the times this happened, every time that someone encouraged me to keep going, every time that someone would quote a Bible verse when I was crying out for God to answer me, every time that the world paused. Everything asked me the same question, do you think it means nothing? Do you think that there is a direction that we’re going? Are we coming from nothing and going toward nowhere?

I had friends who heard him too. He was so gentle to us. I wasn’t able to go to church, I wasn’t able to listen to worship music but the LGBTQ+ community took care of me, they were isolated from church as well. There was enough for me in that God promised he would take care of me, and he did. He died for me. He talked to my trans friend and said, “listen, your parents have rejected you and said you’ll never be your son, but I am a good father. I love you. Be my son instead.”

God mourned with me. He saw everything and he was angry. I was able to breathe because I knew that in the end there will be justice for abuse victims, because God said that he is the holder of justice, and vengeance will be his.

When one of my friends was hospitalized I stood outside during the beginning of a thunderstorm and watched the clouds and the sky darken and lightning flash across the sky.

Even the wind and the sea obey him. He asked me if I trust him.

I guess my answer was yes.

In spite of everything that I went through, I was more thoroughly convinced that I ever was before that things matter. I was convinced that abuse is evil. I was convinced that death is an abomination. I was convinced that these laws of morality are woven into the fabric of the universe. I was convinced that God died to save us from that reality. I was convinced he loved me.

I still am

#asks #about #eslyea #religion tw #religion #christianity #christianity tw #suicide tw #grief tw #suicide #grief #rape #rape tw #just mentioned but still #thanks for asking #c:#hope this is coherent

8 notes · View notes

in-the-whisper · 4 years ago

Text

Here’s a video that’s really good that I think will give some good background information. If you don’t want to read all of this, the video is probably enough to explain.

youtube

I hope this makes sense anon let me know if you have any questions or if I misinterpreted your question.

TW suicide // grief // abuse // rape mention (not v bad or graphic or anything)

Long version:

I've always thought that life was tragic. That death is a fracture in the way things are, like we live in the ancient ruins of a long lost civilization.

Reconciling all of those ideas is really confusing.

The thing that I couldn't accept was the lack of eternality.

My friend thought that the question of “where is God?” was harder to answer than “why is there meaning to death?”

I'm a Christian because I'm horrified. He's an atheist for the same reason.

But without God there is no moral law. So I wouldn't be able to say, "you should never rape someone, because rape is wrong." And everything that I had experienced flew in the face of that.

Dr. Leff wrote this about that question;

Nevertheless:

Napalming babies is bad.

Starving the poor is wicked.

Buying and selling each other is depraved.

Those who stood up to and died resisting Hitler, Stalin, Amin, and Pol Pot-and General Custer too-have earned salvation.

Those who acquiesced deserve to be damned.

There is in the world such a thing as evil.

[All together now:] Sez who?

God help us.”

And I guess the answer to those questions was yes.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul”

When one of my friends was hospitalized I stood outside during the beginning of a thunderstorm and watched the clouds and the sky darken and lightning flash across the sky.

Even the wind and the sea obey him. He asked me if I trust him.

I guess my answer was yes.

I still am

#ask #what's your current relationship with god? i'm very curious lmao

3 notes · View notes

lily-lilou · 4 years ago

Text

My understanding and analysis of the magical system in The Dragon Prince. Part 1 - my first thoughts on it - primal and dark magic aren’t the only kind of magic.

Ok, I promised to several people I would post this today so there it is! (@beautifulterriblequeen, @kotikala, I’m sorry I don’t have all the account... Julia, mama and the others ;_;)

It’s long (so I separated it in two post... but it will be long anyway, especially the second one. So I wish you a lot of courage to go through this until the end...) but it’s because it’s the result of some month of searching and digging. It’s still not complete, however. But if you have some time to lose and in love with this world, maybe this theory (and I insist, it’s a theory, maybe I’m totally wrong) will interest you:

Anyway, let’s just begin!

You can see the magical system in TDP like a diamond with several facets: we saw some of them, and some of us dug to find more.

For me, this theory _ the idea that the magical system in TDP is wider than what we saw_ started from a simple thing in Callum’s spellsbook, the “secret” we can find in the ASL section, the one Sarai repeated when she was alive.

My first reaction was “greeeeaaat! Another show where “love is magic. Yaay! =_=’”

Okay, "love" is an important theme on the dragon prince, yes. But magic ?

But let’s be honest: I don't think they would have placed something like this in the book for nothing. After all, we have to admit that, in this show, NOTHiNG is ever done simply. So maybe this time “love is magic” would be more elaborate than usual?

We do know that the first thing the creators talked about when they started to imagine this world, was the magical system. Not the characters, not the creatures or landscape or anything, but the magical system.

And what do we have so far? Primal magic and dark magic. Is it really that simple? I had to think it through!

1. My first thoughts about dark magic:

Thinking about this above led me to think about dark magic, about how it's "wrong", like Callum said. That point have already been discussed by many of us and a lot disagree, it's too easy to classified it as "wrong" like it’s stated in the show, because the reason you had to use it can be understandable.

Only... the creator of the show have NEVER chose easy/simple road in writing. So why just put dark magic as "wrong" without explanations? Maybe there's something more here too?

I understood dark magic as bad, not for the reason, but for the concept, about what it represents: it's taking (life, will) without asking. It's stealing, it's killing, no matter your excuse. You can invoke righteousness, justice, revenge, self-defence, strengh, power and all, the result is always the same: death. And as you kill to achieve your goal, you pay a heavy price. It staint you, it... "take" something for you (like it was implied in several interview and even in the book, but we’ll talk about this later). (ok, nothing new, here)

But you must have noticed this: those aren't only related to dark magic. It's darkness and everyone can do it. Sol Regem did it, Runaan did it, Harrow did it. They chose to kill and they tainted themselves too, even if it's not in the way pure dark magic does.

So you have the "dark" side with death and all, and opposed to this, the "white" one. Life, forgiveness. love. And all the people have to choose between those white and black sides, between life and death. Only the area they moved in to make their choices is grey. It's the result who, in the end, is more black or white than grey _ but sometimes still a little grey_.

So, it’s absolutely interesting (hehe… hem^^’) but these thoughts are the ground of the theories and analysis that will now follow in this post and the next one!!!!

2. The “reward theory”

As said by Sarai in the image below : "love is magic".

My first question then, was: “…But what is “magic”?” Not Primal magic or Dark magic. Just… Magic. My first thought was: magic is life. Or at least, it should be. Remember the human land deprived of magic who was dying? And look at Primal magic, it’s all life-related at some point. So, yeah, Magic is life!

And so, if magic is life and love is magic, doesn’t this mean that love is life, too?

If that's true, then maybe the opposite is true too? Hate is death.

Why not, after all?! If magic is love, and life… how could dark magic, who's litterally death, came from the same source? How could dark magic… be Magic at all if they’re opposite to each other?

And more importantly : where is this "magical love" in the magic system here ? It's not primal magic, it's not dark magic, but it is magic.

From that point, I assumed Magic is wider than Humans and Xadians (and us, humble fans, obviously) know. It's probably something more... powerful, a more primal form of magic. More subtle but powerful.

Why subtle?

This is the first thing I noticed in the show, the impressive succession of miracles, of “what if” who went just right. “What if Callum left to go to Rayla just one minute later at the storm spire?”, “What if Ethari didn’t saw Rayla in the reflection?”, “what if Viren hadn’t captured Lain and Tiadrin, letting no traces behind so people wouldn’t misinterpret what happened?”, “What if Marcos hadn’t been here?”, “what if Runaan had send someone else to kill him?”, what if…

It gave me the impression that there’s something more. Is it Destiny? Is it something else? Someone? Anything?

But that’s the first layer. There’s another one:

In this show, it's as if every action who implied a choice about doing the right thing, about choosing life over death, love over hate or the opposite, is somehow... repaid? Rewarded?

By... Magic itself? Destiny again? Fate? the world? Some unknown entity? by Magic who is an entity? Why not? “If magic is life, if she brings life to everything, how could she not be alive?”... or something like that. Anyway!

Maybe it’s this, or maybe you’re rewarded by the side you choose?

In both case, when you chose life or love, then you will live. You chose death or hate, then you will die. (I am putting thing in an extreme way, I know... ^^)

In other words, when you choose life/love or death/hate, your act is related to magic. but not the magic we saw until now. It's something else. Just like Dark magic is not Primal magic.

So okay, that’s nice once again, but what could prove it?

Well, just take a look at this:

You use dark magic, it stains you. It "takes" something from you, empties you as if the world itself can't allow you to make others beeing to pay for the choice you made.

Why not? but that's general, let's see more concrete exemples (and my headcanon interpretations) when our characters did the "right" or "wrong" thing:

Zym's egg falls in the frozen lake and Ezran risks his life to save him => Ez (can already talk to animals, yes) got an unusual, powerful bond with our little dragon, so strong the little dragon do the exact same things as him while sleeping, so strong he can see through his eyes and talk with him even when they're separated. As if his self-sacrificing act had been rewarded: you choose to risk your life to save him ? then you two will be linked even strongly than before.

Rayla spares Marcos => our lad is the first one to rebel against Viren, act who instill courage in others who follow him. Marco became a part to the rebellion and was one of those who rallied Duren's forces (I guess) : you spare an innocent even if he was your enemy? Then he will become your ally.

Callum breaks his primal stone to save Zym and, by this, accepts the idea of returning to a "I'm nobody" state. Then he uses dark magic but choose to completely reject it and end up with the sky arcanum. You sacrifice your magic, who was important to you to save a life (and the world btw) ? then you made the choice to use a magic meant to kill but in the end decided to not go on that path ? then you will retrieve what you sacrificed in the first place, in an even stronger way.

Amaya save Janai when she could have killed her, her enemy, Janai end up fighting with her.

Same for Janai, she saved, even trusted Amaya.

In a general way: children, you fought for peace ? you let go of your grudge, your grief and all of your biased jugments ? then peace you'll have (more or less, we know not everyone want peace)

Ezran chose to forgive Soren and Claudia. Soren end up saving him in return and turning to his side. As for Claudia, I'll talk about her in a while.

Callum jump after Rayla to save her, it's love who made him mastered the spell to save them both. You're ready to sacrifice yourself for her? then you will both be saved.

Rayla tackle Viren from the peak of the storm spire. She doesn't search “death”, she's trying to save Zym. She's ready to lose her life to save him. out of righteousness, out of love. Then she get saved by Callum.

Now what about the "dark side" we call the “narrative of strength”?

Avizandum killed many people, especially Sarai who had a pure heart. He got killed by Harrow.

Harrow chose hate and death by killing him, he got killed by Runaan.

Runaan is the most interesting one so far: he had a choice to make too. Two choices. He could have backed up but chose to kill Harrow anyway and so chose “death”. However, even if we’re still not absolutely sure he decided to spare Ezran, he did chose (we know this from the team at Wonderstorm now, so it’s canon) to spare Rayla despite what law and duty said. Killing her was never in his agenda. So Runaan had to choose between life and death, he chose both and ended... between both, literally! "the irony is wonderful"…

Kesha, with all her arrogance (who was so predictable) and her hate toward humanity got killed in a not so soft way.

Viren... I think his many "rewards" have already started. When he chose to kill the magma titan, Sarai (they were friends, it's canon) got killed and Amaya hates him for this (it's canon to, thedragonprince official on tumblr mentionned it once). He lost 2 friends on that day. When he chose to kill Avizandum, he lost his other friend, Harrow. Here in a most terrible way and I will, once again, talk about this later. He inflicted a terrible spell to Rayla's parents but this turned against him. If not for them completely vanished, no one would have thought they had ran away, Rayla _ the only moonshadow elf who had her heart in the right place_ wouldn't have to go to this mission to clear her name. No other assassin would have spared Marcos, or listen to callum, no other assassin would have followed Ezran, found the egg and chose to "make things right" including the humans. Runaan proved it. And I'm not finished with Viren. He lost his son, he will lose is daughter and he's currently in the grasp of a powerful being who's obviously toying with him and he don't even know it. And he's so blind he can't even see it.

Edit: kinda forgot about Sol Regem who torched down a city of hundred of thousand people, who got rewarded by being blinded, losing his throne and being hated and feared by everyone. 1200years later, when he could have change he didn’t. So okay Callum used dark magic. But that wasn’t a reason to kill Zym. Reward? Lux Aurea, the city who had been built to honor him (according to Callum spellsbook) fall, a lot of Sunfire elves seems to have died and, if we believe the summary of the tabletop game, it’s pretty ugly... a city for a city? Maybe.

Claudia is also very interesting, in between love and hate, death and light. Here’s an excerpt from an interview I found:

As for Claudia, she really seems to have committed to this dark path now. Is there any hope for her in the future? Richmond: Yes! There’s totally hope. Ehasz: But it might get worse before it gets better. [...] Ehasz: Claudia is, ahh… Richmond: She’s super complicated. She’s a fascinating character. There’s a long way to go with Claudia, she’s super exciting. Ehasz: But she’s not about power! She’s about **love**. I mean, that’s one thing that’s interesting about her. She’s on a very dark path, but her core motivation is love, and I think that’s going to be very interesting.

She really is the best character to represent that grey area. And if this first part of my theory, about "rewards" is true, it could truly end up good for her. When she had to choose between Soren and Zym, she chose her brother. She chose her father over Soren (I'm talking about the scene in the dungeon, not after Kazef's transformation) not out of malice but out of fear. She loves her family and deceived herself because she's not strong enough to see the truth. I really think she will do the right choice when she will finally see her father for what he truly is (as Richmond said : "there's totally hope").

3. That’s nice and interesting, Lily… but this looks like “destiny” at worst. Is there really another kind of magic than dark magic and primal magic?

If the creators really put so much thoughts and efforts in creating the magical system, it’s really likely this way. But what would be the point in telling how it works right away? We do have to discover it with the characters themselves.

However, the existence of another kind of magic, something deeper, has been implied several time.

We have clues:

Like here (8:29min and especially 9:00min if the link doesn't work correctly), where Aaron Ehasz talked about an earlier and less differenciated kind of magic.

Or like what happened to Ezran in the ice-lake. In the novel, we have an interesting description form his POV, something magical happened (I’ll come back to this in a later part)

And that new or maybe forgotten kind of magic will, maybe… be the magic that will be used to free our dear moonshadow elves from the coins? Because we have some clues :

Question: [...] Runaan got turned into a coin [...] Can they be restored to their original forms?

Ehasz: “My gut is, it seems like the kind of thing that would require incredible and powerful magic to reverse. [...] We do not answer that question in Season Three. I’m telling you, it would take incredible magic and probably dark magic to reverse it, but I don’t know [if that’s going to happen].

(I promise, that last point isn’t here for nothing :3)

Okay, this post is over. The next one will be about the magical system in itself and that “other magic” implied here, about what I found in the show about it.

#TDP #magical system #tdp theories #reward theory #ezran #runaan #zym #dark magic #primal magic #narrative of strengh #narrative of love #love is magic #callum's spellbook #love-magic #TDP's magical system is awesome #Rayla #Callum #arf tags are complicated #tumblr is complicated

6 notes · View notes

sebbybooks · 6 years ago

Text

Beautiful Sinners

Sebastian Stan x Fanfiction

"I was his exception, and as much as I tried to hide my feelings he was mine." -J.M

Ella's

P.O.V

I am convinced that our wounded hearts were desperately craving for affection the moment that I met Sebastian. Revisiting the scene to where it all began feels like an ode to a dreadful October memory. I didn't mean to want him as much as I did. I tried to ignore the aching sensation I kept locked inside of myself that only Sebastian could set free. As overwhelming and intense it all was eventually it turned into something I know longer could resist. So I caved in. Once again in my life I ignored my better judgement and gave into temptation. The moment we collided we crashed and burned all at once. At times when I pass by I ask myself if it is selfish of me to wonder if when he walks by this street does he think of me too?

I was looking for a quick escape that day, because I had it made up in my mind that I was to leave and to never return. The pain that I felt was unquestionably real and that I was left without a doubt that it was in fact possible to suffer miserably at the hands from a broken heart. Before Sebastian my heart was already given to another, but he had returned it to me crushed within the palm of his calloused hand. I remember vividly sliding into the backseat of a taxi with my forehead pressed against the cold and damp window. Hot tears filled my eyes as I kept my gaze pinned out of the window. I was so focused on leaving I hadn't even realized when the cab came to an unexpected halt. But every part of me felt numb that not even for a single second I bothered to turn my head to see what was happening.

It wasn't until I heard someone curse under their breath as the door to the cab slammed shut. I felt the sudden brush of another body against mine. That is when I turned and I saw him for the first time. I am still not quite sure if I'm grateful that he convinced me to stay or angry with him for not letting me go.

Sebastian's

P.O.V

I don't think Ella truly even knew that I needed her more than she ever needed me. When we met I remember I couldn't run out of that event fast enough. I had to wait until the right moment until no one even noticed my presence anymore. Which was a hard task to do considering Mary kept me under her thumb the entire evening and paraded me around the room like her favorite show pony. It was as though I was constantly scrambling for a breath of fresh air. Granted it was a celebration for the newly engaged couple but it also seemed as though the only person who was miserable was me. The irony from that realization alone was enough to suffocate me.

I had to find a way to make a clean exit because the annoyance and frustration that was festering inside of me was going to cause me to implode. If I were to cause a scene Mary would have griped about it for days and with that in mind I stood up and walked out quicker than a bolt of lightning. Once outside of the building I descended down the stairs adding a more accelerated speed to my pace. I worried that with just my luck someone would spot me and I would have to go back inside. I didn't exactly know where I was headed.

I just knew that I wanted to be far away from that specific crowd of people. I jogged down the sidewalk trying to hail a cab until one came speeding right before me stopping in its tracks right before I found myself underneath it. Still not caring I walked around the cab and climbed into the backseat without thinking or even noticing that someone else was inside.

"Shit. I didn't see that anyone else was in here." I said apologetically, looking between the driver and the women who sat in the backseat who was curled up and visibly grief stricken. The woman looked up at me with tears welling up in her eyes and presumably black mascara smudged underneath her eyes. After our gaze locked temporarily she quickly turned away and bent down to gather her things.

"I can find another taxi." She said chocking back a sob.

"Nonsense!" I yelled. The sound of my own voice even startled me. I lowered my voice and for a brief moment I considered leaving and figuring out a different mode of transportation for my abrupt getaway. "Are you alright?" I asked in a hush tone, leaning in closer to get a better look at her face.

Barely unable to look back at me she shook her head with her attention out of the window she finally replied. "I will be."

"Are you trying to get somewhere? Do you need money?" As soon as I spoke those words I regretted it. It took me a second to see the situation in her perspective and I realized a strange male offering a woman he didn't know assistance or even being the slightest bit overbearing could come off misinterpreted.

"Excuse me?" She snapped. "What are you trying to imply?" She asked through gritted teeth.

"Ahem." The driver cleared his throat to interrupt us and stared in the rear view mirror at the two of us. "Neither one of you said were you were going and I do have the meter running." He added.

"I'll pay it." I answered briskly.

"I don't need your money or your pity." She said to me. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying.I smiled to myself observing her tenacious nature. She looked up at me with hazel eyes that looked like on a normal day a glow of sunlight permanently reflected in them. I couldn't help but feel obligated for her well being as crazy as that sounds.

"You're probably right and if I offended you in any way I am sorry." I muttered, genuinely meaning it. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and let out a sigh that was either a mixture of laughter or more crying. "No I'm the one who should be sorry." She said shaking her head.

"Apology not accepted because it is not necessary." I say offering her an empathetic smile.

"I just need to get out of here." She exhaled her words having a finality to them. "And please lose the pity smile." She mumbled.

I pressed my lips in a thin line to repress any hints of a smile. The more I looked at her the harder I found it to be serious. "Well if you were in my shoes how would you react if it were me in your place?"

Her response wasn't immediate. She eyed me as if she were looking for a flaw. I watched her as she conducted her study of me. My posture stiffened and I straightened my shoulders positioning myself in a manner like a portrait was being taken of me. She remained silent for several minutes all the while the cab was still at a stand still. Never once she met my gaze, but my eyes started to etch her body in memory. She wore a dark green pea coat that couldn't conceal her petite frame well.

I assumed she was tall by the way she kept her elongated legs crossed that barely could fit in cab. Her hair looked softer than silk. A wave of dark brown curls was perfectly trimmed around her face as it framed to the nape of her neck. Any man with eyes would easily agree that Mary was easy on the eyes, but her beauty didn't parallel with the woman before me.

"If I saw a man sitting alone in a taxi bawling his eyes out I would without a doubt run in the opposite direction." She finally said.

"Now I'm offended." I clutched my hand to my heart pretending to be wounded by her words.

"Being a cautionary tale isn't on my bucket list these days." She scrunched up her nose and barely let a smile form across her lips. "You didn't give me your name."

"Neither did you." I quickly responded.

She stiffed out a sigh. "My name is Ella."

"Sebastian." I reached over to offer my hand as a formal gesture. Right away I thought she would reject it and I once again would have embarrassed myself. I was surprised when Ella mimicked in response. "It's a lot of strange people in this town am I foolish to think you're not one of them?" She asked with a raised brow.

Taking her hand in mine I shook it lightly. " I wouldn't go that far as to calling you a fool." I grinned. She rolled her eyes and I could've sworn I saw a genuine smile spread across her face. Her hand eventually slipped out of mine and it was a touch that was so simple and innocent an yet it lit a blazing fire under my skin.

Ella's

P.O.V

Smiling only made me want to cry even more. I tried to choke back the ripple of sadness that engulfed me and was nearly on the brink of swallowing me whole. I should have been halfway to the airport by now. On a flight that would be taking me to my parents house and yet I found myself sitting in the backseat sharing a taxi with a man wearing a suit probably more affordable than the clothes I had stuffed in my duffel bag combined. My day just wouldn't end even though I desperately wanted to be left alone to lick my wounds. Sebastian seemed to be in a hurry to get to where he was going and perhaps I was also a roadblock in his plans as well.

"From the looks of it you are racking up a pretty pricey one way ride to nowhere and I will take no part in helping you pay for." I said, lifting a little in my seat watching the red numbers change.

Sebastian wrinkled his forehead with a look of skepticism written across his face."Hmmm you technically were in here first."

I caught a glimpse of the driver suspiciously eyeing us in the rear view mirror probably wondering what the hell was even going on. "If you really think about it you are the reason it's not even moving. I was on my way to the airport until you had to almost get run over." I said to him.

Sebastian rolled his eyes then sucked in a breath of air before biting the inside of his cheek. "And yet my odds still would be greater being away from that venue." He pointed. I followed where his finger was directing. Bending my neck down a little my eyes fell to what looked like a mini cathedral. "Would could have possibly been so wrong in there?" I asked, still admiring the view. I looked back at him when I noticed he had gone quiet. He was staring down at his hands as the feeling of distaste was written all over his face.

I leaned back into my seat turning my body to face him. My face still felt damp so I raised my hand to my face thinking I would be wiping away the last of my fallen tears. Looking back down at my hands I saw that I had black eye makeup all over my hands. Suddenly embarrassed that I probably must have looked like the human equivalent to a raccoon. I dug around in my purse to retrieve my travel size makeup bag to find my cleansing wipes. I quickly pulled out a damp cloth from the package and rubbed the white cloth all around my face. I pulled out a circular compact mirror to make sure it was all off. Then I heard the sound of muffled laughter coming from Sebastian.

"You could have said I looked ridiculous." I told him.

"You wouldn't look ridiculous even if you tried." He paused. "Besides you look like you had a pretty rough day."

"The sooner I leave the better." I answered quickly hoping his comment wasn't an attempt at flirting. Because I was starting to feel anxious as the sadness laid thick in my throat.

"What's got you in a rush anyway?" He asked, his tone was peaked with curiosity but I wasn't going to change the subject from me to him that easily.

"I could ask you the same question." I did my best to maintain eye contact without driving my attention into a full blown staring contest. I was certain the minute my boyfriend broke up with me there wouldn't be any other guys on my radar for a very long time. Sebastian was no Nate, for Sebastian I would consider that a very big compliment. There was a brooding look in his eyes that I couldn't help but find myself drawn to. Even though I really didn't know him or was even ready to look at anyone else that way. With Sebastian for someone reason I couldn't help it. Heaven knows I tried.

"It's complicated." He replied giving me a weak smile.

"That word has been thrown around a lot today." I sighed with a heavy heart as I remembered what happened less than two hours ago. My boyfriend of three years feelings suddenly became blurred and he wasn't sure what he wanted out of his future. A future that no longer included me in it. It wouldn't have stung so badly if I didn't live with him.

The realization of my situation suddenly hit me with full force when I realized I had no place to go except back home to my parents house. Something I was dreading doing for years. I wondered while packing my bags would they even welcome me back with open arms. I had no choice but to soon find out.

"Is that why you're crying your eyes out in the backseat of a cab?" Sebastian asked.

"You know I'm not going to answer anything you're asking me, because you won't quit beating around the bush." I say, putting an emphasis on my words.

He huffed but he finally relented. "I was rushing out of an engagement party." Sebastian finally admitted.

"What could have possibly been the problem? Were you in love with the bride to be....the groom to be?" I thought of all possible cliches to spout at him.

"I won't deny that he is one handsome son of a bitch, but as horrible as it sounds no I don't have feelings for the bride to be." He looked away shamefully.

"Why would that be such a horrible declaration to admit?" The intrusive words fell out of my mouth before I could catch them, but Sebastian was quick to interject.

"Because it was my engagement party that I walked out on." His tone hardened and his expression grew weary.

I curl my lip. "That is complicated." I pulled my coat around my shoulders tighter. The heat radiating inside of the taxi was strong enough to break off the autumn chill seeping in from outside. The windows were quickly starting to fog up. The thought of Nate crept back into my mind and sent the feeling of unwavering icy chills down my spine.The pang of sadness I felt still existed and was still fresh within me. I wondered to myself how it could have been so easy for him to lie me.

I sensed the breakup coming from miles away. It didn't even take me catching him with another woman for me to figure it out. I quickly turned in the opposite direction when I saw the sight of Nate ravaging her on our bed. I wished he could've just told me it was someone else instead of making me believe I was a damper in his plans. Out from the corner of my eyes I noticed that Sebastian was looking at me with a strange expression on his face.

"I think you should head back inside." I tell him.

"Why?" Sebastian asked while still obviously observing me.

I let out a cynical laugh. "Because you're getting married! That's why, and if you don't feel the same then you should just tell her or is it just too damn complicated?"

"Answer me first?" He asked leaning in towards me. "What has gotten you so upset that you're dead set on leaving?"

The answer was simple. "It wasn't meant to be."

Sebastian's

P.OV

It was something about her that made me want to know more. I was probably an even bigger asshole to let my mind get me that far considering I am engaged to Mary. I had known Ella for less that an hour and yet I never wanted this meeting to come to an end. "This morning my boyfriend broke up with me." She shrugged her shoulders slowly like the pain in her voice weighed down on her. She closed her eyes and stifles out a laugh. "On top of that I lived with him and now I have no place to go except back home to Portland."

It never resonated with me that a breakup would be the cause of her sadness. I guess that it is good that is it never safe to assume anything. Or maybe it was because I didn't want to think that such theory like that would exist with her. I was too busy caught in my mindless flirting which thankfully she didn't seem to notice. I don't know what I was even thinking. Ever since the day Mary told me the news that she was pregnant my conscious has been tearing me apart.

When we weren't together for those two months Mary made the most out of it while gladly throwing it in my face. I don't even know where my head was at when I tossed around the idea that we should get married. At the time it felt like the right thing to do and now I am left feeling frayed because I am not even sure if I am the father.

"If we always ran away from our problems where would that leave us?" I asked Ella, though frankly I was asking myself. She looked back at me with doe eyes that under any other given circumstances I would have gladly been bewitched by.

"But it is easier said than done, am I right?" Ella replied, and I had a hunch that it was meant for me.

"Maybe." I say, turning my head around to try and get a good look out of the fogged window. "Oh and that guy you were dating is a complete jackass for the record. You clearly deserve better."

Ella holds my gaze for a while, her eyes shutting until it looks she is just squinting at me. "You don't know that." She whispered. I wasn't going to tell Ella that she was in fact wrong.

"Do you have a phone I can borrow?" I ask. Ella bit down on the corner of her lips, pulling it up with her teeth contemplating whether or not to trust me most likely. While I did my fucking best not to stare at her mouth. Pulling strands of curly hair away from her face and tucking it behind her ear. Ella reached in her purse and dug her hand around until she pulled out her cellphone. She didn't even ask me why I needed it as she passed it to me.

I scrolled around her phone till I found her contacts and on a whim I decided to put my name and number in her phone. I looked up to see if she was watching me, which she was. I knew something could have been really wrong with me for my sudden attraction to her. "There you go." I cleared my throat as I handed her back her phone.

Ella quickly grabbed it and scrolled through it to see what damaged I could've caused. My hand grazes hers and the feel of it brushing mine again only made me want to find an excuse to touch her again. "What did you do?" Her eyebrows were pinched together in confusion.

"If I go back in there you have to also agree that you won't leave the city." I said, hopefully striking up a deal with her.

"I don't know." She frowned as she shook her head.

"Yes you do!"I tried to make my voice sound reassuring, despite I was scared shitless over the idea that I would be potentially spending the rest of my life with Mary.

"Why do you care so much? We are just two strangers who are looking for a way to get far away from our problems." She says, dropping her phone back into to her purse then zipping it.

"Did you ever think that maybe it's them and not us? We have to stop letting people think they have permission to fuck with our lives." I told her, and for the first time finally hearing my own voice. I lifted up to reach deep into my pocket to pull out my wallet to pass the driver what Ella and I owed him.

"Sorry for wasting your time." I held my arm out with the cash in hand. He turned around and looked at me and Ella then back to me again. "No no just this once it will be on me." He faintly smiled before turning back around to look at the street.

"Think about what I said Ella." I opened the door and stepped out of the cab and the cold air wasn't inviting.

"Good luck Sebastian." Was all that she said. Our eyes met for the longest time and for the love of God I didn't want our gaze to break. I let out an agonizing sigh and let the cab door close.

When I walked back inside I wasn't surprised that the first person who welcomed me back in was my fiancée. She hurried in my direction and if I wasn't mistaken she changed her outfit yet again. Her auburn hair hanging down around her shoulders red strands effortless flowing behind her back. Mary's dress wasn't the tiniest bit conservative in the slightest. Her cleavage nearly toppled out her dress. "Where the hell have you been?" She smiled through gritted teeth.

"Getting fresh perspective." I shoved my hands in my pockets giving the occasional nod and wave whenever guest walked by.

"Am I suppose to know what that means?"

I was just about to answer her until her Mary's step brother approached us. For as long as I have known her I have only hung out with the guy on a few occasions and there's always been people around. From what I do know about him he likes to keep his life private and that he is strangely affectionate with his step sister.

"Why does this happy couple look so unhappy?" His voiced echoed, as he draped his arm around Mary's shoulder.

"Why don't you go find yourself drowning at the open bar?" Mary shrugged his arm away and smoothed an invisible wrinkle from her dress.

"I thought people causing a spectacle was beneath you." He winked at her in which she didn't seem to be offended or bothered by him.

"Shouldn't you be with your other half anyway? That girl was practically your shadow. " Mary taunted him while mustering up a smile. Whatever she was getting at seemed to work and it looked like she got under his skin. The two of them started to talk in front of me and I would have preferred if they had just left. I tuned out the sound of their voices when I heard the notification sound go off on my phone. I pulled out my phone to see that I had a text message from an unknown number had lit up on my screen. I read the message that popped and finally figured out who it was from.

~ Maybe you are right after all. . . .thanks for the unsolicited advice. Ella xx~

"Did someone send you a dirty picture by the looks of that grin on your face?" Soon as he uttered the words Mary shot him and I both menacing glares.

"Don't you have someone else to bother Nathaniel?" I ask, locking my phone and quickly putting it away while making a mental note to text her back.

"My grandmother is the only one that calls me that. I go by Nate man."

{To Be Continued.}

86 notes · View notes

archatlas · 6 years ago

Note

hi, the anon from earlier here; I really want to apologise if you took my ask to imply that you were defending CP, that was in no way my intention. I was trying to say that I thought your analogy was just off and there might be a better one to use, like in your later ask. I hope you don’t take it as an attack as I really love your blog 🙏🙏 and for all the people questioning if there really was CP, I saw and reported some myself so it was very real and very disturbing. sorry again, Archy!

No need to apologize. It was not your question but my response that was misinterpreted. Your message confirms to me my experience here on tumblr where most people have been courteous and supportive. From the feedback I have received these past couple of days it seems I have been extremely lucky and my experience does not reflect the experience of most. tumblr festered with CP and hate groups.

You know the five stages of grief? I think I am grieving the death of tumblr. I have found myself angry and at the defensive at the impending end of something I have poured a lot of my energies for the past seven years. I had been unaware of the aberrant side of a place I had grown to love. It’s going to take me a while longer to accept the end, for now I am just depressed. :)

#Dear ARCHy

82 notes · View notes

luccie-eclair · 6 years ago

Note

What do you think of this whole Salem v Gods thing?

My original response was going to be “I’m completely neutral. All three were awful and no one is truly innocent. However, some of their actions can be justified, blah blah blah.” But I think there’s something I am missing or misinterpreting, so I’m gonna rewatch this episode and type as I go with direct… er, paraphrased quotes. This will also be long ass a mess, so I’m sorry. Also, don’t read on mobile. It will compress into one whole paragraph.

•"How could the Gods let this happen?“ -Salem. No commentary, just wanted to point it out for future ref if needed.

•"I understand your pain. But you demand of me what I cannot make so. Life and death are a delicate balance” -Light. So… it’s not like he “no” and gave zero reason behind it and no remorse. The first thing he says is “fam, I’m sorry your S/O passed and I understand that you’re grieving”. He gave his reasoning and I think he has a point. We live. We die. Whether that death is fair or just or neither. It’s a fact of life.

•This is probably not the first time he’s had to have this conversation. He’s probably given a similar answer to many people. Now think about this: he brings Ozma back. Oh well that’s so easy and would solve everything. No, it wouldn’t. If he brings back Ozma, and news gets out that all you have to do is ask, do you know how many angry people who were told “no” will come back and demand loved ones back? I hate to be that person, but if Light bends the rules for one, he’d have to bend the rules for everyone.

•"To disrupt the cycle-“ and then Salem cuts him off by saying it’s not fair. …see the point above.

•"Let him rest”- Light. That response was kind of cold especially in its delivery. She’s grieving and doesn’t know how to handle this (and the way she chooses to is… not good). He could stand to have empathy despite the fact that she completely snapped at him.

•"No"-Salem. Hoe, don’t do it.

•"All while careful to make no mention of his elder"-Jinn then the whole fight thing. I said it once already, but I tried this tactic when I was a child. My parents argued over it and at the end of it grounded me. Let me explain why. 1) My mother/father had already told me no and gave me a REASON for saying no. 2) I went behind their back to Parent #2 to ask a question I already got an answer to and purposefully omitted prior information. Omission of the truth when the other party has a right to know is still lying. 3) I got caught doing what I wasn’t supposed to be doing to begin with. My parents, in no uncertain terms said, “that is not how you get what you want.” But Salem is mourning and doesn’t understand how to cope with death. Yes. I completely agree with you. That’s why this should be a learning experience. She, gradually, learns how to cope and move on (which is easier said than done, of course). So… I guess you can kind of justify this. I was harsh about this is in an earlier post, but my opinion has slightly changed. This still isn’t any less manipulative, BUT factoring in the sheltered upbringing and inexperience with grief (which I didn’t previously) makes the situation a little different.

•"What is this? Where am I?“ -Oz. I think this should’ve been a sign not to bring him back again. He was resting perfectly fine. Hanging out with the other legends and every dog that passed at the pearly gates. Yall bring him back into drama, make him disappear, rinse, and repeat. All three of them are causing a resting man pain. Yes, all three. I said it.

•"When you came to me, I pitied you. But you were selfish/arrogant” -Light. I’m on the fence with this. I don’t think that she intended to be selfish and arrogant, but it didn’t translate that way. Perception and interpretation is everything especially if you’re on one end while someone else is on the other. Because of her actions (getting angry, refusing to accept answers, going behind his back, manipulating the situation), Light and now Dark perceive Salem to be exactly as Light described: selfish and arrogant. I can’t say that my reaction would be very different had I been in their position. Whereas Salem, with no experience with grief and losing the one and only person she held dear, is trying to regain what she lost. I wouldn’t call that selfish or arrogant, but her means of doing so say otherwise and that’s where we have issues.

•I know that someone’s going to say that she had no knowledge that what she did wasn’t really okay, but… I disagree. She is cunning. If Salem didn’t think that going to Dark to ask the same thing again was wrong, she would not have “carefully made no mention of his elder”. She knew that if she mentioned what happened with Light, Dark would also say no if only because she was never true worshiper of Darkness to begin with.

•"You are immortal. […]. You can never be with your beloved. […]. You must learn the importance of life and death. Only then may you rest" -Light and Dark. I understand teaching her that there's consequences to actions, but immortality? Really? I think that was overdoing it. Granted! They did give her a way out: understand the Circle of Life like Mufasa, and you can move on.

•But who is actually going to understand something so philosophical like that? She’s not Socrates. And to be fair to Salem, I think that she… somewhat accomplished that. She tried to kill herself many times to end the cycle and be with Oz. Does that not demonstrate her “understanding the importance of life and death” or are there hidden instructions in the .5 sized, Wingdings, fine print that is nowhere on the screen?

•"[Salem committing suicide] grew to be nothing more than acts of defiance against the gods"-Jinn. Ohhh, I guess I can see that as not understanding the lesson or whatever. But when she did it the first few times, it was with the intention of being with Oz. Thus we are back at the previous point. Why does that not count?

•"They were fallible (?). If she could turn them against one another, she could easily turn humans against the gods" -Jinn. Okay, this is about the point where I stop holding out hope for Salem. At this point, if it backfires, it’s on her. She lacks an excuse unless I can find one. Also, don’t throw swords at Ruby. That’s rude.

•"[Salem said that] she stole immortality from the gods. […] Claim the powers of the gods for themselves and perfect humanity" -Jinn. Refer to the point above. Before, I could argue that she was grieving and perception and all that. I can’t justify this.

•Unrelated, but the humans are low key dumb and that’s exactly why they all die. One, lone person stole immortality from not one, but two omniscient gods? Really? You fell for that?

•[Humans using gifts that the GODS gave them against them]. Refer to the above. This is exactly why ya’ll die. You really thought that these tiny little bursts of power were gonna… Okay, Susan.

•[Dark goes genocide mode]. This was a huge overreaction. And Light is just as bad. He just sat there and did nothing. Like I said, a passive bystander is just as bad as the perpetrator. Dark could’ve just killed those in front of him. I suspect that he was under the impression that Salem would just get another army of people and try again, but… I don’t think Salem is that dumb. If he’d killed only the people there, she would see that clearly if she tried again, she’d get the same result. So we’re back at this point, why did everyone have to die? Like, children died, dude.

•"I’ll tell the rest of the world [about the murders] and build a new army" -Salem. Dammit. I just got done saying that you wouldn’t have been that dumb, and here are proving me wrong. Doesn’t excuse genocide, but you know, method to madness I guess.

•[Dark destroys the moon?] Don’t really get why he did that. You just screwed up the tides, dude.

•"…a tragedy has befallen your home at the hands of my brother" -Light. No. At the hands of YOU and your brother. Refer to my point about passive bystanders. You’re just as guilty.

•"Return to your desolate world" -Light. I- no? Why would he want that?

•"Get world peace or die, dummy" -Light. What is it with this man giving impossible tasks with zero direction?

•But he gave Oz a choice. He could’ve said no. This series is all about the choices people make and the consequences and rewards for such. Nothing comes without some result.

•Why did Light make it so that Oz would jump in and take over some unsuspecting person’s life and get them involved in their soap opera?

•"You can’t" -Jinn. I- why???? Why would you even give him this task knowing that he wouldn’t be able to- Okay, Susan.

The rest of this just Salem and Oz: the Slice of Life Sitcom. So… my answer is unchanged? I am still very neutral and think all three are responsible and made less than stellar decisions, but not without some justification. I definitely understand the arguments others have made, but I think it really boils down to choice. They each made decisions that resulted in the current situation and that’s on them. I think that they share blame equally. I think this time, I do empathize with Salem a little more (to a certain point) so I am tempted to argue more for her, but at some point, I just couldn’t find any solid reason to do so.

#salem v gods #rwby thoughts #rwby spoilers #rwby volume 6 #rwby6 #rwby6 spoilers #rwby volume 6 spoilers #rwby vol6 spoilers #rwby vol6 #rwby volume six #rwby volume six spoilers

31 notes · View notes

rosebudmendes · 6 years ago

Text

La Vie Est Belle I Part 4 (Shawn Mendes AU)

Description: She has to take care of her ill father. He has to provide for his younger sister. Just when they think their lives couldn’t get busier, fate intervenes.

A/N: So sorry that I took so long to update this, enjoy!

Warnings: Alcoholism, terminal illness, fluff

Word Count: 2.2K

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

Masterlist

It had been three weeks since you last saw Shawn. His appearance was now becoming a figment of your imagination. Which was forcing you to create this idea of him that was highly desirable. You knew he worked a lot so you didn’t put too much thought into his disappearance. Besides, he still texted you at least once a day. Which was enough to keep you wanting more.

The text exchanges between the two of you ranged from flirty, to comforting, and then back to flirty. There were moments when you thought he was going to open up about his past, but he changed the topic anytime you got close to knowing more. There was something he was hiding, something important. You didn't push him to share that information, though. What you guys have was good, and you wanted to keep it that way. No drama, no problem.

Your father had been meeting with the specialist everyday now. There was little progress being made which made you feel hopeless. Although he wasn’t gone, you were already preparing to say goodbye. Thats why you spent every second with him. At the specialist rehabilitation center, there was family rooms that allowed one family member to stay overnight with the patient.

Your mom was easily persuaded into going home for the night. You weren’t even sure if she ever made it home most nights, though. She always came back the next morning with an intense stench of alcohol on her lips. Eventually, you had gotten used to her immature behavior. It wasn’t that you enjoyed seeing her like this, you hated it, but you understood why she drank.

It's a way to numb the pain. A way to momentarily forget about everything. Forget about the illness, the finances, the future. You didn’t know when it started and you didn’t really want to know. There was so many things that you both were dealing with but neither initiated a conversation about it.

Today was no exception to the pain. It was the day the specialist gave an estimated timeline of how long your father had. You knew this was coming, but yet you weren’t prepared.

It had to have been at least 5 days since your last shower. Your nails had dirt caked underneath, your hair was knotted and unmanageable. The dark circles under eyes traveled for miles, and your skin had broken out. Your diet consisted of cafeteria fries, deli sandwiches and horrible coffee. No wonder your head felt like it was surrounded by a thick fog.

You didn’t care how awful you looked or felt. You had an entire lifetime ahead of you to worry about your appearance. Time was getting cut short for your father and that’s all you could think about. Well, that and Shawn of course.

“Good morning, beautiful x” Shawn’s contact named appeared on your iPhone screen. You felt your stomach do a cheerful twirl. “How are you feeling about today?” You were shocked that he remembered what today was.

“I’m dreading it. Wish you were here. xx” The thought of Shawn being here with you, having his hand to hold when the doctors gave the news, made you feel safe. You didn’t want to burden him, though. No did you want to make your father seem unimportant.

Today was all about your father and his health. Avoiding all distractions, you turned your phone off and left it on the counter of the kitchen.

You were back in your condo to grab a few more clothes for your dad. The living area was a horrendous mess. No one had taken the responsibility upon themselves to clean, and frankly you didn’t care enough to do it yourself. You grabbed a few granola bars before heading back to the rehabilitation center. When you arrived you found your father wandering around the hallways on his own, using his cane for support. “Hey, Pops. What are you doing out of bed?” You were trying your best to hide the concern in your voice. You knew he hated how worried you were.

“Oh don’t worry too much darlin’, Doctor Reyes said there was nothing wrong with a little physical activity.” He chuffed. You accepted this as a solid argument and offered your arm for more support. He shooed your arm away and carried on slowly making his way back to his room. You stayed with him, laughing at the jokes he cracked and asked him to tell stories of when he was younger. You have countless memories of your father sitting in his office, glasses resting on his nose and cigarette in his hand. He’d call you in and have you sit in the leather chair across from him. “Picture this,” He’d begin telling a story that he created in his lively mind.

Even though his day job was in advertising, he had aspirations to be a writer. There were probably 100 stories already typed up on his laptop, just sitting there collecting e-dust. You’d try to sneak a peak at his files anytime you were home alone.

One winter night, while your parents were at your grandparents house you found a file titled “my loves.” With curiosity flowing through your bloodstream you opened it, and suddenly wished you could take it back. Instead of finding a intriguing story full of made up characters, it was a letter to you and your mom. He must have written it the night he got his diagnosis.

My Beautiful Girls, This letter is to remind you of how much I love you. Please, don’t forget to stop and smell the roses every once in awhile. You both have such child-like souls that aren’t meant to be kept in a cage. I will be with you, always. With much love, Pops.

That was the last time you went snooping on his computer.

It was two hours before the doctor would be around to give you the news. Your mother was sleeping on the recliner in the room. She was snoring slightly, which caused a small amount of rage start up. No. Not today. You will not be angry, you will not rage. You will be there for your father. Nothing less, nothing more. Suddenly, Shawn appeared in the doorway. “Shawn, what on earth are you doing here?” You panicked. How did he know you were here? Didn’t he have work? So many anxious questions flooded your thoughts.

“Can I talk to you in the hallway, (y/n)” Shawn stood there with his hands in his pockets, shoulders obviously holding all his nerves. Whatever he was here for was weirdly important to him.

“What’s up?” You forced your voice to sound cheerful and upbeat. He would believe you were fine if your voice met the tone of your texts. Once you were in his reach he latched onto your wrist softly, pulling you into his proximity. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” His thumb was grazing the top of your hand that was latched in his. “I, uh, kinda missed your voice.” He looked down as he said this, as if it was too sensitive for him to say.

“Well, I am glad that you are here,” Your body gave in to the temptation and pulled him against you, wrapping your arms around his neck. Vanilla and cologne filled the air around you. “And also a bit creeped out. How did you know I was here?”

“Uh, you have your location turned public on snapchat.” His chin was pressed against your shoulder, which made you aware of whenever he moved his jaw. It was nice being so close with him. It felt oddly more comforting than you expected. This was a terrifying feeling, but you embraced it anyways.

“Now that you are here, would you mind staying with my dad while I run to find the doctor?” You pulled your body away slightly, arms on each of his shoulders. His body tended up, and you could see the hesitation in his face. “It will only be 5 minutes, and then we can catch up.” Before waiting for an answer you placed a small peck on his cheekbone, suddenly feeling your body heat rise.

Noticing this, you quickly peeled yourself out of Shawn’s grasp and headed to find the doctor. As you strolled down the hallways you kept thinking about Shawn. How he smelt, the way his hair brushed your check when you hugged, torsos so close heat was radiating off each other. It was all very intimate, and very soothing. The only other man who made you feel so appreciated was your father, and who knew how much time he had left. Maybe it was a good thing you had met Shawn. Maybe he will be able to help you deal with the grief that would soon come.

It didn’t take long before you were able to locate the doctor. He was busy talking with another nurse, his clipboard in hand and eyebrows weighted with concern.

“Doctor, do you have a minute?” You broke his concentration, and the nurse took a few steps to the side. “I was just wondering if we’d find the test results soon. Everyone is getting a little antsy.” You tried fidgeting with your fingers to let out any sort of anxiety that you were wearing on your face, but did not feel very convincing.

“Yes, I will be by in approximately two hours with the final results.” The doctor mentioned with a rather harsh tone. You knew he was busy with other patients but the least he could do was try and feel empathetic. Maybe there was a small misinterpretation through accents, but either way it made you think worst-case scenario.

When you returned to your father’s room Shawn was comfortably sitting in the chair next to your father, his hands clasped together. He kept looking at the floor while listening to your father go on and on about something entirely unrelated to his sickness. Shawn’s cheeks were rosy and his leg was bouncing uncontrollably.

Before making your presence known, you stood away from the door just to observe their interactions.

“She means the world to me, Shawn.” Your father continued. “I may not look like the toughest man right now, but I will not hesitate if I find out you hurt my daughter.”

“Oh, I would never sir. She is such a sweet girl, I will take care of her as best as I can.” Shawn was locked eyes with your father, full of confidence. Your stomach leaped with excitement as the words left his mouth. Even though the two of you had just became friends, there was something between you that was worth holding onto. Maybe it was his charm, or his good looks, nonetheless you were addicted to his presence. Of course you would never admit that to him, though.

“Doc says it’ll be two more hours, pops.” Shawn immediately stood up from his seat when he heard your voice. He didn’t waste any time being away from your side, either. His shoulders toward over you as he opened his mouth to say something, but stopped when your father starting coughing. You rushed to his side to help him. Shawn stood there awkwardly before he headed out of the room.

Before you had time to dwell on the thought of him being gone, your phone started ringing causing you to snap back to reality. The caller I.D. said it was Shawn, which made you confused as he just left the room a few minutes ago. You stepped away from your father, and answered his call. “Shawn? Is everything okay?”

“Come meet me in the courtyard.” He definitely had something up his sleeve, which gave you a nasty sense of unease. With Shawn, this emotion is worth it. He is worth the uncomfortable silences, awkward glances, and painful anxiety. You hung up the phone without thinking twice and headed towards the courtyard. You wondered how Shawn knew this place so well, and why he cared enough to stay.

When you found Shawn, he was accompanied by an old hospital sheet and an assortment of deli sandwiches, fruit, and pudding cups. “I managed to sweet talk the cafeteria workers into handing over some croissants.” If his voice could be translated to a color, it would be light pink. He sounded like sunsets after a day spent on the lake. Warm and full of possibility.

“Shawn, what is this?” You were standing right in front of him, close enough you could feel this breath on your cheeks.

“Your dad mentioned you have been putting so much focus on him, I wanted to make sure you felt cared for too.” His arms were wrapped around your lower back, which sent a tingly sensation into your stomach. “Now, lets eat and skip this hospital talk.” He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on your forehead. You both sat down and began sorting the food. Shawn was right, you hadn’t had time to focus on yourself. You didn’t think it had been a big deal until he mentioned it. Everyone needs someone to take after them. Now, Shawn was your person. taglist: @stockholmshawn @bluerroses @yellowmendes@itrocksmysocks @accioarmenian (sorry if i missed your user, send me a message if you want added or taken off!)

7 notes · View notes

ansheofthevalley · 6 years ago

Text

I’m coming for the Salt Throne™, so watch out.

I’m sorry but I’m afraid I must interrupt my joyous broadcast of Stark goodness brought by the last teaser because I have encountered this on the sansa tag.

At first I wasn’t going to engage, because I was really fucking happy about the teaser. But then I thought, you know what, fuck it, some people need to know some facts and I’m gonna give it to them. Also, I stayed up till 4 am writing this shit but tumblr wouldn’t let me queue it, so now I’m writing it all over again. Second also, this person has been commenting on my posts that I clearly tagged “Sansa Stark” and “anti targ restoration”, so they’re stalking the tags, and since they’re doing that, there’s a high chance they’ll read this.

So let’s start, shall we?

First things first

Imagine being this pressed. At this point, you’re just grasping at straws, my friend.

I’m going to go point by point, since this person took the time to do the same about an anti sansa stark post but posted it on the sansa stark stark nonetheless

Point number 1: comparison with Jaime

I’ll give you that this parallel works, given that both characters start the series at a very good point: Jaime is a Kingsguard and Sansa has just gotten betrothed to the Crown Prince. But let’s examine their journey since then. Jaime ends up season one as a war prisoner of Robb Stark, the Young Wolf and King in the North after Robb won in battle, while Sansa ends up being a political hostage in King’s Landing after watching her father die. It doesn’t get any better for any of them, Jaime, in a secret exchange with Cat, promises to deliver Sansa and Arya, so then it begins his adventures with Brienne in the Riverlands, while Sansa is humiliated and assaulted in front of court. Then, while he got out of the Starks cells and thinking he could make his way to King’s Landing all on his own, Jaime loses his right hand and that’s a low point for him, actually, that’s his lowest point. Meanwhile, Sansa finds confort in the arrival of the Tyrells and her betrothal to Joffrey is put aside in favor of Margeary and there are even hints of a new betrothal between her and Loras, it’s starting to look good for Sansa, until Tywin puts a halt to those plans and brokers the marriage between Tyrion and Sansa: now she’s married to the enemy, the enemy that would ultimately kill his brother and mother. If it were possible, it gets worse for both of them: just as he arrives to King’s Landing, Jaime bears witness to the murder of his son on his wedding day, something Cersei was quick to blame Sansa for. So now, Sansa is a presumed kingslayer and a fugitive. Jaime, now changed by his experiences, tasks Brienne with finding both Stark girls, to keep his promise to Catelyn Stark. Season one Jaime wouldn’t have done that, just saying. Sansa escapes to the Vale under the “protection” of Littlefinger. There she realizes the want for home, for Winterfell, the place she wanted to leave as a teenager. Now she realizes the value of home. Both have to fulfull the role of head of the family: Jaime when Tywin is murdered by Tyrion and Sansa after Robb’s death. They are both tasked with the reconstruction of their houses: Jaime in a military way, Sansa in a political way. As Tommen ascends to the Throne, Jaime has to demonstrate that the Lannisters still are a force to be reckon with, even without Tywin. Sansa comes back to Winterfell to marry Ramsay, to reconnect with the North and its people and to find a way to avenge her family. By the end of season six, they both fully embraced their roots: Jaime is a Lannister and Sansa is a Stark. And we see that in season seven. Jaime is loyal to his House and Cersei till the end of the season and Sansa will defend the best interests of her people. It took them a lot to get where they are now, but that’s what happens with characters like them. They are perceived as perfect by everyone around them, but they have their insecurities and they go through a number of trials and tribulations before they evolve and become better than they were.

Point number two: Cersei vs. Sansa. Two (very) different people

Cersei is very much her father’s daughter, capable of lying and manipulation. This is pointed out throughout the seasons, by various characters, and is the biggest compliment you could pay Cersei. She always believed to be the best bet to take House Lannister to new heights, but always overlooked by her father, in favor of her brothers.

Now, the scroll Sansa was forced to write. I’m going to repeat that. Sansa was forced to write that scroll to his brother. She was forced to do it by Cersei because she truly believed it would save her father’s life. You also wildly misinterpreted Maester Luwin’s response (what a shocker):

Robb: Treason? Sansa wrote this? Maester Luwin: It is your sister’s hand, but the Queen’s words

It’s after this exchange that Robb decides to call his banners and declares himself to be in open rebellion to the Crown, until they release his father and sisters.

But let’s go back to Luwin’s line for a bit. You’d know, especially if you read A Game of Thrones, that Sansa doubted in this moment. She had doubts about writing that letter. But she did it anyway. Why? Because she thought Cersei was good and someone worthy of trust. She really thought she was doing the best she could in saving her father’s life. Like worst case scenario, he’d be sent to the Wall, but he’d be alive. Also, let’s not forget she was thirteen years old.

Point number three: Sansa and her love of stories and the disregard for femininity

Sansa is an idealist. She loves tales of knightly valor and romance, the story of Jonquil and Florian the Fool being her favorite. She appreciates and favors all that is femenine: she sings, she draws, she embroiders, she plays intruments. She’s a lady through and through. And there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s the way she was brought up. Being the Warden of the North’s eldest daughter, both of her parents knew she would have to marry someone important, not some minor lord. And with those prospects, she would be educated to be a proper lady.

I won’t get into Arya’s line since this post is getting long enough, but it shows how the show itself views women with femenine traits as inferior to women with more masculine traits. After all, we all know the GA, at that point prefered the likes of Arya and D@ny to the likes of Sansa and Catelyn.

When Sansa says she’s a stupid girl with stupid dreams who never learns, she’s chastising herself. She came to the capital a girl full of dreams and hopes, only to find people that would lie, use and abuse her, while she had to remain the perfect little lady if she didn’t want another beating. She’s chastising herself for having dreams, something every thirteen-year-old should have, but in her case, she’s been stripped from them. And she blames herself for that, when in reality, it isn’t her fault. It’s the fault of the adults that use her as a pawn to their games as she were a thing.

So no, Sansa isn’t stupid and she certainly isn’t like most girls. She learned to navigate the turbid waters of court in order to stay alive. She never gave up hope or sacrificed her kindness.

1 extra point for trying, tho

Point number four: The moon door and Lysa Arryn

Tyrion’s experience with the Moon Door was under a sham trial for the attempted hit on Bran, which means it was public. We know from season seven that it was Littlefinger who orchestrated the assesination, in hopes to frame the Lannisters and thus creating more friction between the two houses and drive away any suspicion anyone could have that Lysa and Baelish killed Jon Arryn.

Sansa’s experience with the Moon Door was private, it was just her Lysa, and then Littlefinger. Lysa was growing paranoid of Sansa, she accused her of sleeping with Littlefinger (in which she wasn’t entirely wrong: Littlefinger was grooming Sansa and kissing her without her consent). Let’s not forget that Lysa has been in love with him since he was fostered at Riverrun. At this point, Littlefinger had married Lysa; she thought it was out of love, but he did it to secure power in the Vale. Ultimately Littlefinger interferes, getting Lysa away from Sansa, and then he threw his wife through the Moon Door proclaiming he only loved one: her sister.

So again, two very different situations. But I’ll give you points for trying hard.

Point number five: Cersei vs. Sansa part deux. Sansa and Cersei are not parallels, they are foils

It doesn’t take a genius to understand that those two lines are there to illustrate how different they are. Sansa can’t sleep, worried and tormented by the loved ones she cannot safe. There’s not a single thing in her manner or face that shows any trace of vengance, just sadness and grief. The only time we get to see Sansa get revenge is when she killed Ramsay. That was personal. She endured months and months of abuse at the hands of that monster. He killed her little brother. His family took part in the Red Wedding, killing many on the Stark men and bannermen, his brother, his sister-in-law and their unborn child and her mother. He was hers to kill. It was in name of all of those he hurt and killed. Cersei, on the other hand, is completely consumed by vengance. Her line demonstrates that she won’t rest until she had killed everyone that wronged her and her family. She’s been asking for Sansa ever since she fled King’s Landing, she tried to hunt down her own brother (not that she had much love for him, but still), she blew up a whole part of the city just to get rid of her political enemies. She drank wine and smirked while that happened. She killed a young woman in front of her mother, and had her watch as her daughter died. She had the septa from the walk of shame tortured and abused by the Mountain repeatedly. There’s a level of darkness in her actions, a level of monstrosity that rival that of her son’s.

Again, extra points for trying reaaally hard

Point number six: Cersei vs. Sansa part tres (since you insist on drawing parallels between the two when actually they’re foils, but whatever). The matches that never came to happen: Cersei & Rhaegar / Sansa & Joffrey

When Tywin was Aerys’ Hand, he promised Cersei that one day, she would marry Rhaegar and be Queen. We know from the flashback scene with young Cersei and Maggy the Frog, that she wanted to be Queen. She wanted the power the crown brought, something she undoubtedly learned from her father. Unlike Cersei, Sansa wanted to be Queen, yes, but it was all a childhood dream. It was her love for songs and stories that led her to believe that fair Queens ruled the Kingdoms and were loved by the people. She never wanted power, she never even grasped at the real implications of wearing a crown after her father died. She learnt the hard way that Queens weren’t fair and loved, that they could be fearsome and cunning. There’s actually someone more fitting for the parallel you’re trying to draw between Cersei and Sansa:

Both Cersei and Margaery want to be Queen for the power the Crown brings: it’s a way to give power to their House, it’s a way they can influence and shape the country in the way they want (though Margaery was more graceful and a better Queen that Cersei could ever be).

Since this got a little long, I’ll leave you with this book quote that finishes to paint Cersei and Sansa as foils:

Cersei: “The only way to keep your people loyal is to make certain they fear you more than they do the enemy.” Sansa: “I will remember, Your Grace," said Sansa, though she had always heard that love was a surer route to the people's loyalty than fear. If I am ever a queen, I'll make them love me.”

And yes, Sansa is a Direwolf that grew up between Lions. But that doesn’t mean she grew up to become one. She grew up and survived them. I’ll leave another quote from ACOK, after Sansa is humiliated at the hands of Joffrey and his Kingsguards:

Sansa: “I am loyal to my beloved Joffrey.” Tyrion: “No doubt. As loyal as a deer surrounded by wolves.” Sansa: “Lions, she whispered without thinking.”

#damn I had to let some things out #this is what happens when I don't go to my box training #I get salty af #I opened the gates of hell #and now I'm ready #come at me #i s2g i'm so fucking tired #nobody disrespects Sansa Stark on my watch #nuh uh #Sansa Stark #sansa stark defense squad #anti daenerys stans #anti jonerys stans #anti aegony stans #fandom wank #got discourse #got

6 notes · View notes

wiseabsol · 6 years ago

Text

WA Reviews “Dominion” by Aurelia le, Chapter 7: Redirecting Lightning

Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6383825/7/Dominion

Summary: For the Fire Nation royal siblings, love has always warred with hate. But neither the outward accomplishment of peace nor Azula’s defeat have brought the respite Zuko expected. Will his sister’s plans answer this, or only destroy them both?

Content Warnings: This story contains discussions and depictions of child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and incest. This story also explores the idea that Zuko’s redemption arc (and his unlearning of abuse) is not as complete as the show suggested, and that Azula is not a sociopath (with the story having a lot of sympathy for her). If that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, I would strongly recommend steering clear of this story and my reviews of it.

Note: Because these were originally posted as chapter reviews/commentaries, I will often be talking to the author in them (though sometimes I will also snarkily address the characters). While I’ve also tried not to spoil later events in the story in these reviews, I would strongly recommend reading through chapter 28 before reading these, just to be safe.

Now on to chapter 7!

CHAPTER 7: REDIRECTING LIGHTNING

Alright, this is it. I have hit chapter seven. I have hit the first benchmark chapter in this story; the one that makes or breaks “Dominion” for readers. Because this is the chapter where Zuko rapes Azula. And I am going to stand by and defend that interpretation, because regardless of how ambiguous the situation seemed to Zuko, I think the authorial intent here is clear if the reader is paying attention. So expect this to be a lengthy review, because I plan to go into depth with that. As for the rating of this story—you upped it to an M rating a long time ago, which I think was appropriate, given that “Dominion,” due to what it’s exploring, really is more of a story for adults than for young teenagers. And you’re completely right about the decision to depict what happens in this chapter, rather than tell us what happened later. No one would have believed it otherwise. Also, I’m curious, but what tropes specifically are you deconstructing where Azula redemption fics are concerned? I haven’t read enough of them to be knowledgeable about that. But onwards with the chapter itself. So Zuko and Azula are facing each other after four years of separation. Zuko notices that Azula has grown up to look like Ursa, which I love, even though this passage is incredibly creepy: “It was that resemblance that struck him most, to see Azula standing there in his mother’s robe. He recognized the elegant swirls embroidered at the neck, the hem she was too short to keep from dragging in the dust. And even if she inherited their father’s sharp chin and slanted eyes, she had Ursa’s hair and painted mouth, and lined her eyes with kohl. It barely occurred to him to wonder where she found cosmetics, when Azula hadn’t stayed here since she was a little girl. His mother’s robe, his mother’s paints…. How in eight years had he never noticed, that she tinted her lips the very same shade?” Let’s unpack that. So the least creepy interpretation of Azula using the same makeup as her mother is that their hair/skin/eye colors are the same, so Ursa’s paints are the ideal shades for Azula to use as well. However, this is clearly meant to unsettle readers, so I do have to wonder if Azula was encouraged to use the same makeup as Ursa by Ozai (or perhaps by Lo and Li) to make her a mini-Ursa in appearance. That or Azula did it unconsciously to emulate her mother/to appeal to her father’s tastes (gags). On the flip side of this, Zuko’s…interest…in Azula looking like Ursa feels Oedipal, which makes something already disturbing even worse. “‘You…came to see me?’ she spoke slower, almost tentatively. ‘Why?’”—Oh baby you’re so hopeful that Zuko came to visit you because he cares about you. “‘I hardly think that /matters/ now, after what you’ve /done/!’ Zuko reproached her, angry not just at her escape anymore, but something he couldn’t even name….”—I don’t know, is it maybe because she grew up to look like your mom and you’re weirdly turned on by that? “‘It matters to me,’ she said simply. And looked sincere as she always did, when she lied.”—Maybe because she’s not lying to you, dumdum. They argue about whether he was helping her or not by putting her into the asylum (he wasn’t), and she definitely wouldn’t have left there if not for her own cunning. Zuko liked having her under his control too much. Zuko then starts patronizing her, telling her she’s dangerous to herself and to other people, which he really isn’t in any position to be saying, since he didn’t see her for years and has no idea what kind of progress she’s made. “He blinked once at her defiance, reminded uncomfortably of another confrontation, one he stood on the other side of.”—You’re more like Ozai than you know, Zuko. Okay, it’s amazing that Azula “banished” her hallucinations. I love how you borrow dialogue from the show and use the repetition for effect like this. I noticed it in “The Road” and in the most recent chapter of “Dominion,” too, where Iroh was concerned. “And suddenly, her letters made a little more sense. Not much, but a little more. ‘You really think,’ he said slowly [ . . . ] ‘I’d keep her from you?’”—You’ve given her no evidence to the contrary, Zuko. “‘You’ll see what you want to see. You always have.’”—Azula’s got your measure, Zuko. Then Azula reveals that she wants to find Ursa, because she thinks that will help her get better (there are strategic reasons for this, too, which we’ll learn later), to which Zuko thinks in response, “And [he] had to make a conscious effort to crush the hope that surged like fire in his veins. The tiny voice of truth that said if anyone could do the impossible, it was Azula.”—Just let her go, Zuko. What do you have to lose from this plan besides Azula? Oh wait. “‘You /hated/ her! You didn’t even /care/ when Dad sent her away!’”—Zuko, did you ever ask how your sister felt about your missing mom? Or did you get so caught up in your own grief that you didn’t? I’d bet money that the latter option is what happened. “Zuko advanced on her in growing anger, but she held her ground. ‘You’re in no position to make demands!’ he reminded her, with a sweep of his hand for added emphasis. ‘A /disgraced/ princess with nothing but an /empty/ title to her name! No money, no power, no friends—’”—Be more of an ass, Zuko, why don’t you? Also Ty Lee exists, in case you’ve forgotten. Azula has a friend in her, even if she has nothing else. “‘It doesn’t /work/ like that anymore!’ he said hotly, fists clenched to match her own. Zuko was nearly close enough to lay hands on her now, and two steps away from trying it. ‘In case you haven’t noticed, /I’m/ not the one who landed in an /asylum/!”—Zuko’s hostility is starting to edge uncomfortably close to violence, in part because he feels like he’s losing his control over the situation. “But the thought of apologizing to Azula was as foreign to him as bending water. He didn’t owe her anything.”—Given later events, this may be the crux of Zuko’s character development: learning to tell Azula that he’s sorry for how he’s treated her and thanking her for the things she’s done for him over the years. Because she has helped him, at risk to herself. “‘So much better to be cruel than crazy, isn’t it?’ she whispered, close enough that Zuko could just glimpse something sad and secret behind her eyes. ‘I should know.’”—Oh baby, you need so many hugs from Ty Lee. So Azula makes a break for it and Zuko thinks, “He made a promise to Mai. And he was a father now, he forced himself to recall.”—It’s interesting to me how detached Zuko is from Lu Ten emotionally at points, while he later desires to have a certain child with him. It occurs to me that his feelings aren’t dissimilar to Ozai’s in that respect. “‘That’s not what you came here for,’ she chided, a familiar promise written in the arch of her brows.”—Well that’s not creepy at all. “‘You never should have turned you back on me.”—Channel Scar more, Azula, why don’t you? Also, I think Zuko misinterprets what she said here—he takes it as more of a threat than it probably is. Azula then asks him why he’s here. “‘To bring you to justice,’ Zuko replied automatically, because he’d said it to himself and other people enough times that that must make it true.”—That’s not how the truth works, Zuko. “‘You need to be tried for your crimes in the war,’ he insisted, ignoring how her teeth ground at the suggestion that what she’d done was wrong. ‘And as soon as you’re sane, you will be.’” Alright, so I looked up what our society defines as war crimes for this. Azula has done the following: “Depriving a prisoner of war of a fair trial,” “Unlawful deportation, confinement or transfer,” and “taking hostages” where the Kyoshi Warriors and the head of Dai Li are concerned. Now here’s what Zuko has done: “Unlawful wanton destruction or appropriation of property,” “directing attacks against civilians,” and “taking hostages.” Azula’s crimes probably wouldn’t be considered unlawful during the time that ATLA takes place—capturing and imprisoning enemy combatants happened on both sides of the war. In addition to this, none of her victims died (presumably the Kyoshi Warriors were hurt, but that happened in combat). Zuko, on the other hand, destroyed peoples’ homes and probably did hurt civilians in the process. It’s little wonder that Azula grits her teeth when Zuko suggests that what she did was worse than what he did. “‘Well if /that/ isn’t an incentive to recover, I don’t know what is.’”—I laughed. “‘Our nation owes it to the world to hold people like /you/ to account.’ ‘People like me….’”—Yeah, I’d be disappointed in my brother, too, if I was Azula. “her voice low and silky”—Azula, this is what people mean about you talking to men in an inappropriate way. I realize you don’t know any better, but this is dangerous for you to be doing, especially to someone who is being aggressive towards you. “And Azula smiled. It was not a nice smile. ‘Five points for good parenting, Zuzu,’ she condescended, turning quite casually to leave. ‘Kids are scared enough of imaginary monsters at that age.’ Her voice fell as she moved off down the hall. ‘How soundly would he sleep, if he knew about /me/?”—So I think she actually felt hurt that Zuko hadn’t told Lu Ten about her yet. His decision to do so probably makes her feel even more isolated from their family. Her trotting out the comparison of herself to a monster is also something Azula tends to do when she’s having moments of insecurity and self-hatred. “her back to him like an invitation”—An invitation to what? Hit her? You’re so gross, Zuko. “‘So why don’t we make a deal? [ . . . ] Leave me alone to find Mother, and I will have nothing more to do with you. Or yours.’”—Take that deal, Zuko. It’s the best offer from her you’re going to get, and at this point, it’s probably the healthiest option for both of you psychologically.

"'If the best I can expect from you is /neglect/'"—It's telling that Azula uses the word "if" here, because it suggests that she would be open to having a better relationship with him, if he was willing to be a better brother to her. "'the best you can expect from me is neglect. Not quite as nice as having me under your /thumb/, to be sure [ . . . ] but don't pretend you wouldn't rather I was gone.'"—She both understands his desires here and doesn't. Zuko wants her close, but he wants her close on his terms. Zuko, in any case, shuts this conversation down by calling her crazy and rejecting her offer, which sets off the fighting between them. "Zuko had the advantage here. And the black look Azula gave him said she knew that he knew."—Let's keep this in mind as we get farther into this altercation. "Azula tumbled painfully end over end through the dust, her short, sharp cries punctuated by the dull thuds of her repeatedly striking the gray stone floor."—And Zuko claims that he doesn't want to hurt her? You'd think the pained noises she's making would pull him up short if that was the case. "'Of course you do'"—See, Azula agrees with me. "'You just don't want to admit that you /can't/!'"—Azula, I get that you're trying to get him to slip up, but if you goad him like this, he could seriously hurt you. "She wanted to knock him unconscious? he considered."—Her plans don't work if you're dead, Zuko. And I don't think she actually wants you dead, either. "Could she mean to take him hostage? [ . . . ] She had to know he would never go along with that."—Because hostages totally get a say in their captivity. Zuko thinks that Azula has a "near-perfect memory," which may be true when she's lucid, but I can't imagine it's true when she's not. "[He] thought back to that one time he'd searched her room"—for hints to where their mother had gone? Then they collide. This is where their fight starts to go off the rails. First, we get the "hug" that isn't a hug, keying us into the fact that something isn't right about the physical contact between them. Then it keeps buildings: "lifting her head so the tip of her nose just brushed his chin." "He stiffened at her closeness. Her body was pressed right against him, leaving little to the imagination. He was probably about to die. So he really should be thinking of anything other than how very thin her robe was." "Her voice was low and almost seductive, her breath hot in his ear."—In short, Zuko is very turned on by this. Random note: Azula is left-handed. I love it. "And Zuko struck her hard across the face."*—Remember when I said I had a theory I was going to get into in this chapter? This is a part of it. Also, Zuko, you are a terrible human being. "Zuko stared in horror first at her and then at the hand he still held before him, as if he suspected it of acting against his will. He hadn't meant to do—How could he—/Why couldn't she just be/ normal? the old resentment drowned out his shock."—Zuko deflects the blame for his violence towards Azula onto her, with the implication being that she deserves this for not being exactly what he wants her to be. This is classic victim-blaming from the abuser. "Zuko grabbed her wrist to jerk her back, and didn't know he burned her until he felt the heat beneath his fingers [ . . . ] and Azula fell against him with a sharp cry that choked off too quickly, as if she were afraid to make a sound."*—We're starting to get hints here at how Azula has been conditioned to respond to abuse. "He barely had time to register this, his hand still gripped her hot and blistered skin"—OUCH!—"when Azula pressed a soft kiss against the side of his neck"*—(Horrified moan.) "His stomach lurched like he stepped off the edge of a precipice, fallen into the gap between who he was before she did this, and now."—Great line. "He still stood in that attitude when her free hand slid under the crossed collar of his crimson shirt. Her fingertips on his skin were electric, and Zuko exhaled a shuddering breath when he remembered to breathe again. She was—Why was she—/What/? [ . . . ] he leaned into her next kiss, and her teeth pulled at the soft skin where his neck joined his shoulder. Her nails began to scratch, he could feel her tense against him…."—She's being physically intimate with him, but her body is tense and she isn't making any verbal indications that she wants this. "/No./ The word cut like morning light through the fog that settled on his mind. He gripped her arms hard to throw her off."—Zuko could have asked her what she was doing here. He doesn't. "If he could catch her gaze, he would know why—He would know what to do. But her eyes were tightly closed as a child's who pretends to be invisible, just because she cannot see. Tears struggled at the corners of them, and she turned her face away when Zuko brought his mouth too close to hers."—SHE IS NOT INTO THIS. SHE IS IN DISTRESS. STOP! But Zuko doesn't stop. "/Such a fucking tease,/ the ugly thought burst into his mind like a damn breaking."—Please excuse me while I throw up at how disgusting that is. "There was nothing she could hide from him, whatever she thought."—Zuko thinks this as he strips her, and I can't help but think that he's never sounded more like Ozai. "Her fingers grasped his collar, and she pressed closer, as if to hide herself against him"*—Again, she's not into this. She's scared. "But Zuko refused her, tore the shirt impatiently from his shoulders and cast it to the gray stone floor, like throwing down a gauntlet."—Another great line. Zuko demands that she look at him (probably like his father has) and this happens: "But Zuko stopped at the face she showed him. Her dark brows drew low over amber eyes that were impenetrable as two stones. The curve of her mouth was as fixed as a painted smile on a porcelain face. She didn't feel anything. /She never did/."—Azula is deep into a dissociative episode at this point. Instead of realizing that something is wrong with her mental state, though, Zuko persists in his belief that something is fundamentally wrong with Azula /as a person/, which dehumanizes her. His lack of empathy for her contributes to what he does next. "Zuko hated that smirk at once, wanted nothing so much as to see it gone. It was wrong, as wrong as everything about her. That was the only motive he could think of to explain why he pressed his mouth to hers."—No. You're doing it because you're turned on. "But the only thought that broke through his haste was that she tasted like blood."—This adds to the association of violence with their intimacy. "He grabbed her arm reflexively and pulled her along, vowing she would not escape him."—We see possessiveness on Zuko's part again. When they actually start to have sex, we also get Zuko's creepy line, "to hold so much power in his hands…," which adds to that feeling of possessiveness and to his objectification of Azula. "He felt her whole body tense up around him, her arms closed about his neck to pull him into the closest thing to a hug they'd shared since there were children."—First, this body language is still screaming that she's not okay with this. Second, that is so, /so wrong/! "Something coiled in his chest and threatened to break, when her breath came so hard and fast he thought she might be having a panic attack."—It's interesting to me that while you noticed this, Zuko, you still didn't STOP OR SAY ANYTHING TO HER! You could have done both of those things, and probably would if you were with anyone but Azula.

"Azula looked over his shoulder, her face turned into the headboard so he couldn't see the awful concentration in it, her breathing strictly controlled. As if she were performing some complicated kata. Her eyes were closed, her mouth set in a pained grimace."—Ugh, "performing some complicated kata" is right. That /is/ how she would think of it. But again, what we're getting here is a conditioned response from her, rather than something she genuinely wants to be doing. Also, as far as her…"performance"…goes, I feel like most people would realize that she's forcing herself through this. She's not acting like she's enjoying it, which I feel would be necessary for Ozai's "honeypot" plan to work. I'm surprised he wouldn't have been more critical of her lack of "passion"…or maybe he was. Azula does think that he was "demanding" in their "training," so maybe he was trying to make her more convincing in the act. That definitely isn't coming across here, though, since she's clearly in pain. "He thought he saw his own anguish in her mouth drawn tight."—What are you talking about, "your anguish," Zuko? "They were the same. They were the same…."—No you are fucking not, Zuko! "'Now you've taken everything from me,' she whispered harshly. 'Is it enough? Will it ever be?'"—So she's snapped out the disassociation for the time being. "'Never,' Zuko breathed."—God, he's such a terrible person. They start struggling again, and we get this incredibly telling passage: "He moved hastily to pin her down, grabbing her arms to restrain her [ . . . ] Without time even for conscious thought, he crushed his mouth against hers, and stole her breath before she could ignite. Azula jolted with surprise and a frantic noise of protest that died in her throat, without voice. Zuko only deepened the kiss, and she wrenched in his grasp, arched beneath him in a last desperate attempt at escape. But he clamped an arm around her waist and gripped the damp hair at the nape of her neck, holding her so tightly against him he left her no room to move."—She's protesting and trying to get away from him. He won't let her. "As if this had been a signal*, she shuddered once and went still, without explanation. If felt enough like surrender that Zuko broke from her, breathing hard, and laid his head against hers, his harsh exhalations stirring dust from the faded covers. He could feel her heart beat much too fast behind her ribs, like a bird breaking itself on the bars of its cage. Zuko wondered, distantly, if there was even more wrong with her than he knew."—First, yes, there is something very wrong with Azula that you aren't aware of at this point, Zuko. Second and much more importantly, /this is where Zuko could have stopped/. Azula is no longer fighting. He could have pulled back and tried to assess the situation. He could have tried to say something to her or tied her up, to capture her like he'd intended. I could almost forgive him for the first rape (you know, despite the fact that he knows what a healthy sexual relationship looks like and should have realized that something was wrong with how Azula was acting), but then this happens: "It was the last coherent thought he managed, before he found himself again in her midst." He rapes her a second time. And he realizes that that what's he's doing, too, even if he doesn't call it rape: "She cried out once, and his stomach twisted with guilt"—he knows what he's doing is wrong—"but he didn't stop, couldn't make out what she screamed before she strangled the sound in her throat, as if she were scared of getting caught."—He keeps going anyway. "She didn't speak again and only held tighter, as certain as Zuko, it seemed, that letting go would mean her death…."*—That has to be one of the most depressing things I've ever read. She felt that way about Ozai too, didn't she? "Her eyes were empty of recognition. Her lips moved silently, forming the same word over and over again. But he couldn't read it."—We know from future chapters that she's saying "father" here. "A deep and visceral horror filled him. She was never this bad before. He did this, he /did/ this…."—Yeah, people don't tend to respond well to being raped, Zuko. So this next section is arguably where Azula rapes Zuko: "Her vacant gaze lit with a predatory gleam, a look he'd seen her wear before, but one he caught more often from his father." "'Aaah-ah! Ngh…' was all the objection Zuko could manage, when she thrust herself aggressively against him. It was too much. He had nothing left to give, and she was hurting him."—He's not into this anymore. He's in physical pain. At the same time, though, I don't think Azula has any control over what she's doing. Her dialogue heavily suggests that she's in another dissociative episode and reliving an encounter she had with Ozai: "'You're mine. You'll /stay/ mine,' she breathed, and her voice sent a shiver down his spine. She didn't even sound like herself. 'You will /bend/ for me, you will /obey/ me.' She punctuated each command with a thrust of her hips, and Zuko's hands on them did little to deter her. 'You'll never tell. /You'll never tell./ And even if you tried,' she faltered here, and had to choke out, 'who would believe you?' Her tears fell on his chest, so hot they almost scalded, when she whispered haltingly, 'Azula always lies. /Azula always/—lies…'"* I'm going to get back to this dialogue in a minute. I'm going to cover the rest of this chapter before I discuss my theory about this. "Frozen with the shock of realization, she looked down on him as if she'd just woken from a nightmare, to find it followed her into the waking world. 'No…' she whispered brokenly, her voice edged with panic."—Yeah, she absolutely wasn't in control of herself the third time they had sex. "But she tore [her hands] from his fingers, her teeth clenched in disgust." "The rest of her trembled with rage."—So here's the thing. While Zucest happens in "Dominion," I don't think that Azula feels any sexual or romantic desire for Zuko. I don't even think that Zuko feels romantic desire for her either (sexual desire, though, absolutely). What they've done obviously disgusts Azula, and Zuko even acknowledges later that what they did was an act of hate. It was also an act of dominance, with both of them, but mostly Zuko, taking the dominant role at different points. But Zuko—who wasn't drugged and who wasn't disassociating—bears more of the responsibility for what happened. Azula wasn't cognizant of her behavior. Zuko was. Which isn't to dismiss the trauma Zuko will feel from this incident later, but I am much less inclined to sympathize with him than with Azula, given the above. And as far as the blame for this encounter goes…while it ultimately leads back to Ozai's abuse of both of his children, I don't feel comfortable saying Zuko that had no agency in this. He made choices here—and one of them was the choice to have sex with his sister when the opportunity arose. And since Azula didn't want him when it happened, that makes Zuko a rapist. "'I missed you,' he offered weakly, too exhausted to realize this was the first time he had admitted it to anyone. Even himself."—That might be one of the saddest things I've ever read.

Zuko falls asleep after this, but Azula does not. This is technically our first scene from Azula's perspective and it is /heartbreaking/: "Azula took five halting steps into the dusty room before she succeeded in tying the sash of her robe with shaking hands, so tightly she could barely breathe. It wasn't nearly tight enough."—She feels violated from what happened. "She had done worse than this, she reminded herself. She had done worse, and lived. She would survive this too."—This makes me wonder just how extensive Ozai's "training" was and I don't think I actually want to know the answer. "Her mouth bent into something resembling a grimace, and her sight blurred with tears. She clenched her hands into fists to forget how Zuko tried to hold them, when she panicked. He was just trying to save his own worthless life, she told herself, bitterly. /It had nothing to do with you. It never did./ Azula had to look down before she realized she had drawn her fists to her chest, as if to shield herself from a blow."—Oh baby I am so, so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. "The dagger their uncle gave Zuko from his abortive conquest of Ba Sing Se. How much she coveted this once, Azula recalled. But he never meant it for her. And she contemplated putting it to a use he never intended."—I'm pretty sure no jury would convict her if she killed Zuko here. I'm not even sure I would, given the extent of the violence he inflicted on her. But of course, I also know that she won't do it, because, A.) Azula isn't keen on the whole murder thing, B.) The note she wrote was obviously meant for him, and C.) That would end the story too soon. So Zuko gets to keep breathing and I get to keep glaring at him through my computer screen. Alright, so now to get to that theory I've been listing *s for. Here are the specific points again: "And Zuko struck her hard across the face." "Zuko grabbed her wrist to jerk her back, and didn't know he burned her until he felt the heat beneath his fingers [ . . . ] and Azula fell against him with a sharp cry that choked off too quickly, as if she were afraid to make a sound." "He barely has time to register this, his hand still gripped her hot and blistered skin, when Azula pressed a soft kiss against the side of his neck." "Her fingers grasped his collar, and she pressed closer, as if to hide herself against him." "But he clamped an arm around her waist and gripped the damp hair at the nape of her neck, holding her so tightly against him he left her no room to move. As if this had been a signal, she shuddered once and went still, without explanation." "She didn't speak again and only held tighter, as certain as Zuko, it seemed, that letting go would mean her death…." And most importantly: "'You're mine. You'll /stay/ mine,' she breathed, and her voice sent a shiver down his spine. She didn't even sound like herself. 'You will /bend/ for me, you will /obey/ me.' She punctuated each command with a thrust of her hips, and Zuko's hands on them did little to deter her. 'You'll never tell. /You'll never tell./ And even if you tried,' she faltered here, and had to choke out, 'who would believe you?' Her tears fell on his chest, so hot they almost scalded, when she whispered haltingly, 'Azula always lies. /Azula always/—lies….'" I'll start with the dialogue. When I was first reading "Dominion," I thought that this was something that Ozai had said to Azula while he was "training" her. Then I realized just how hostile this dialogue was. "You're mine. You'll /stay/ mine."—This implies that when this was happening, there was a question about whether or not Azula would try to break away from him. Her loyalty, in short, was under question. "You will /bend/ for me, you will /obey/ me."—Azula's obedience was also under question. But what's most telling to me is this: "You'll never tell. /You'll never tell./ And even if you tried, who would believe you?" This, combined with the predatory expression and the aggressive thrusting, gives me the distinct impression that this sexual encounter wasn't "normal" by Ozai and Azula's standards. "You'll never tell" indicates that it's something that Ozai knows Azula will want to do afterwards. As far as the timing goes, this means that there was someone around who she could potentially turn to, which suggests that this happened either before Mai and Ty Lee left originally, or after the trio were reunited. And then there's the /purpose/ behind this—because if Ozai is addressing the possibility that Azula will want to tell someone about what happened afterwards, then he is also acknowledging that what he is doing to her is wrong. Which means that the intent behind this encounter wasn't to "train" Azula—it was to /hurt her./ Why else would he taunt her that there was no one she could go to for help, because no one would believe her? So this is my theory: what we're seeing here isn't a general episode of abuse, but how Ozai punished Azula after Zuko defected. For lying to him, he struck her in the face and split her lip, then burned her. Then the violence turned sexual in nature, though it's unclear who initiated it—it could have been Azula doing it as a defense mechanism, or Ozai doing it to enforce his power/control over her, or a mixture of both. Azula definitely obeyed him, in part due to her conditioning—the grip on the back of her neck is a trigger to get her to comply—and in part due to her genuinely fearing for her life during this encounter. That is what Ozai meant when he said he "made sure [Azula lying to him/disobeying him] would never happen again" and what Azula keeps alluding to when she thinks about the aftermath of Zuko's defection. It also, I suspect, was a contributing factor to the deterioration of her mental state in the last few episodes of the show, because her father not only assaulted her (without any ambiguity about that being was what he was doing, unlike during the other parts of their "training"), but then abandoned her not long afterwards. And here's thing: I only realized the significance of this exchange recently. It's not obvious on the first read through what is happening here, and it's not obvious the fifth time either. Which suggests to me that you, as a writer, were purposefully trying to obscure the contents of Azula's flashback to the readers. The fact that Ozai and Azula alike both avoid going into detail about it later on only adds to this deflection. Which suggests to me that you're planning to reveal the aftermath of Zuko's defection in full later—and that if there is one scene you include that depicts Ozai raping Azula, that scene is going to be it. And why/when would it come up? When Azula is finally being confronted about what Ozai did to her. She will try to defend their "training," but I think this assault will be in the back of her mind, arguing that there was actually something deeply wrong and evil about what Ozai did to her. And as far as your writing style goes, its inclusion would also further your use of "echoing" scenes and dialogue, deepening the impact of chapter seven upon re-read.

Now I'm of mixed feelings where showing Ozai raping Azula is concerned, if it in fact happens. On the one hand, you have never shied away from depicting disturbing material before in "Dominion," and it feels as if not seeing that abuse from Azula's perspective would be a notable absence. On the other hand, showing the aftermath of the abuse is much more important than showing the abuse itself, and showing it risks feeding into reader voyeurism as well. Ultimately, it's up to the writer to decide how much to show or only allude to, but I trust you whichever way you go with this. Now if it turns out I'm wrong about this theory, I'll feel both surprised and embarrassed. I /am/ confident that my interpretations of the sex scenes in this chapter are correct, though. I've been wanting to dissect those scenes for a while now, because there are readers who find the issue of consent in them to be ambiguous (I'm thinking mostly of icewhisker21's discussions of "Dominion," which seem colored by Zucest shipping googles). However, I think it's clear that there was no mutual or positive consent where the sex between Zuko and Azula is concerned, and as such, Azula's later claims that Zuko raped her are completely justified. So that's my lengthy analysis of chapter seven. This will probably be where I leave off until the summer, unless my homework load lightens and I get some time before May. As always, though, thank you for the read! Sincerely, WiseAbsol

#WiseAbsol #Azula #avatar: the last airbender #Dominion by Aurelia le #Fanfiction #Review

8 notes · View notes

archer973 · 7 years ago

Text

Part 5 of Orbit is now up!

“A Different Kind of Courage” can be read here or below, the series is here

Enjoy guys!

Someone knocked lightly on the frame of Clarice's door, making her look up from her book in surprise. It was late, and just about everyone was either in bed or heading that way.

“Yeah?” she asked, sitting up a little straighter on her bed. The tension left her, however, when John pushed aside the curtain, stepping half into her room.

“Hey,” he said, giving her a half-smile.

“Hey,” she replied, trying to ignore the way her heart jumped at the sight of him.

“Hope I'm not disturbing you,” John said after a moment, gesturing at the book in Clarice's lap. Clarice looked down, honestly having forgotten that she was holding it.

“You're not,” she replied, closing the book and setting it on the floor beside her bed. “Just... trying to keep my mind busy and all that. Have a hard time sleeping sometimes.”

“Yeah, I get that,” John said, giving her another one of those half-smiles that made Clarice's heart want to melt. “I brought something that might help.”

“Booze?” Clarice asked hopefully, grinning when John snorted.

“Unfortunately, no,” he replied, chuckling. He stepped into Clarice's room, letting the curtain fall closed behind him. “But I did go to Caitlin and get you these.” He held up a pair of flat, blue squares that looked vaguely like really stiff bean bags.

“Um, thanks?” Clarice said, looking at John in complete confusion. John chuckled and walked over to her bed, sitting down on the foot of it.

“They're ice bags,” he explained. “For your hands.”

“My hands?” Clarice asked, looking down at the aforementioned appendages. “Why?”

“Because you beat the hell out of them today and they've gotta be sore,” John replied, rolling his eyes. “Here, just give me your hands.” Clarice looked at him suspiciously, but did as he asked, holding her hands out towards him. John shifted closer, moving up until his knees were practically brushing hers. Then he placed the two blue bags in her hands.

“They're cold!” Clarice hissed, trying to pull back, but John's hands caught hold of hers before she could.

“They're ice bags, what else did you expect?” he asked, looking at her in amusement. Clarice made a face at him, making him grin. Then she looked down at her hands, which seemed incredibly small next to his. The initial shock of the cold had vanished, leaving behind only a blissful coolness that was soaking into her sore, hot palms.

“...Okay this actually feels pretty great,” Clarice grudgingly acknowledged, closing her eyes and relaxing slightly back into the pillow. “And if you say 'I told you so', I swear I will beat you to death with this pillow.”

“My lips are sealed,” John said solemnly, and Clarice didn't need to have her eyes open to see his smile, it was laced all through his voice. “Though, that would be very entertaining to see.”

“Don't underestimate me,” Clarice said, cracking one eye open to look at him, smirk taking all of the heat out of her words. “I am highly motivated.”

“Never doubted you for a moment,” John replied amiably, smiling at her. He rubbed his thumb along the underside of her wrist gently, movements almost idle, like he wasn't even thinking about it. Like it was normal for him to touch her in that gentle, almost intimate way. Clarice didn't know whether she wanted to laugh or scream, and was half tempted to do both.

“Hey.” John's voice was gentle, as gentle as it always was when he was talking to her. Clarice looked down, her throat suddenly tight. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Clarice replied, looking up again, her voice over-bright even to her own ears. “Just surprised a big muscle man like you is secretly all touchy-feely.” John looked at her in confusion, then looked down at their hands. Clarice swore she could see his cheeks go red as he let go of her like she was suddenly a hot poker.

“Sorry,” he said gruffly, not meeting her eyes. “I'm sorry, Clarice. I didn't mean to – press you.”

“That's not what I meant,” Clarice said, kicking herself. She had grown so used to him being open and soft with her that seeing this stoic soldier sitting across from her hurt her heart in ways she couldn't even comprehend. “John –”

She reached out to him, forgetting that the ice packs were still in her hands. They fell, landing on John's bare arm, making him yelp. Both he and Clarice froze. Clarice's eyes went from him to the ice packs, and then to her icy cold hands.

“Clarice,” John said warningly, seeing the mental calculations she was doing. “Don't...” Grinning, Clarice launched herself at him, iced palms aiming for the exposed skin of his neck. John fell backwards, hands coming up to grab her wrists. His touch was still gentle, conscious of his far superior strength as Clarice grappled with him, trying to press her cold hands against any exposed skin she could find.

They ended up in a laughing pile on Clarice's bed. Clarice was laid out along John's body, legs tangled with his, her arms pinned to the bed on either side of his head. John was grinning up at her, the heaviness gone from his eyes. His body was warm and solid (extremely solid) against hers and Clarice felt both tiny and infinite. She looked down at him, tracing the angles of his face, strong and sharp and beautiful. It really was unfair how attractive he was, with eyes so deep you could get lost in them and lips that... well. Lips that she had spent far more time than she was willing to admit thinking about.

“Hey,” John murmured, letting go of her arm and reaching up, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, his fingers brushing against her cheek. “You okay?” Clarice looked down at him, her heart thundering against her chest.

“Oh, fuck it.”

Throwing caution to the wind, Clarice leaned down and pressed her lips to his. John didn't move for a second, and Clarice started to panic, thinking perhaps she had misinterpreted everything and just made an absolute fool of herself. Then John moaned, honest to god moaned, hand coming up and burying itself in her hair as he finally began to kiss her back.

Holy fuck, Clarice thought dazedly to herself, unable to stop the grin that was spreading across her face even as she continued to kiss John. He tasted sweet, like rich honey, and his lips were so incredibly soft.

“Clarice...” Clarice practically whimpered when he said her name, his voice rough, rumbling from the very center of his chest. “Clarice, I – we can't do this.”

“Why?” Clarice demanded, pulling back just enough so that she could look at him. His pupils were blown wide, eyes almost black with desire. “Because there's a war happening? Because you're a leader? Because the others wouldn't approve? That's all bullshit and you know it.”

“Because I care about you,” John replied solemnly, sitting up and taking Clarice with him, maneuvering them so that Clarice was sitting between his bent legs on the bed. His arms were still around her waist, holding her to him even as his words tried to push her away. “I care about you and I – I can't take advantage of you.”

“Take advantage of me?” Clarice repeated, shaking her head minutely, not understanding what he was saying. “Because of my family? John, this isn't grief. This is –”

“Because of the memories Dreamer put in your head,” John interrupted flatly. Clarice stared at him.

“John...” she said slowly, reaching up and laying a hand on his cheek, heart aching as she watched him start shutting down right in front of her. “That's not what – I know my own mind. I know what's real and what's not.”

“But does your heart?” John asked, looking at her, such sadness in his eyes that Clarice wanted to hold him, to push away all of that pain, all of that heaviness that sat on his shoulders. “Clarice, I – I care for you. Ever since you got sick... I couldn't admit it. I was afraid, afraid that I would drive you away. And then Dreamer shoved those memories into your head... I saw what you looked like after she did it. And I just – I can't take advantage of that. I already hurt you once by keeping the truth of what she did from you. I won't do it again.”

Clarice looked at the man sitting in front of her for a moment, emotions swirling through her. Reaching up, she took John's face in both her hands, finger running gently across his cheeks. Leaning forward, she rested her forehead against his, closing her eyes.

“Do you know what I thought of today, when I made my portal?” Clarice asked quietly. She felt John shake his head and she smiled, pulling back slightly so that she could look at him again.

“I thought of you,” she said, tracing his cheek with her thumb. Clarice looked into John's eyes and dropped all of her walls, letting him see everything she had been holding back. “I thought of your arms around me, of you holding me as I mourned my family, of the sound of your laugh the next morning. I thought of you coming to find me, of you standing at my back, of you holding my hands in yours, protecting me even from myself. Those are my memories, not Dreamer's. I never needed her to make me care about you, I already did, long before she breathed that smoke into my lungs. I was just afraid, afraid like you were. But now... now I'm tired of living in fear.”

“Clarice...” John murmured, his eyes still uncertain. He brought his hands up and cupped her face between them, holding her as if she was the most precious thing in the world.

“What do you say, Proudstar?” Clarice asked, tilting her head forward so that their foreheads were pressed together once more. “Are you ready to be brave with me?” John looked at her, his eyes stormy with conflict. Then he sighed, all of the tension running out of his body.

“Hell yes,” he said, looking at Clarice, a grinning spreading across his face.

#the gifted #thunderblink #thunderblink fic

2 notes · View notes