#i realise this is my problem and my problem alone. it doesnt make it less painful and it is my page i can drown in sap brb

[superconductivebean]

#1038: [seen]

Just so it will be out from the replies. Just so I can have it said loud and clear, after months. So you are able to understand what's it with me, a bit.

tldr; beanie and his trust issues because he was screwed over bad

Imagine how discouraging it feels after you saw a craze for your favourite character, decidedly stepped out of drafts to have people see your things because you know they'll be happy to have more things, expecting that craze turn conversations and its own little fandom, much like what I already had in another fave's tag, but in return you'd have a ghost town; a ravaged beach; an empty plot of land you hoped would become a little thriving garden one day.

To some extent, however, it did. I'm glad to be a part of it -- I hope I am. I'm glad to have made friends and talked to so many awesome people over the past few weeks. This post aren't about you, lovelies.

I value your support and attention tremendously.

But why am I bitter, you may ask. What happened.

Last time I went for a craze, a wlw craze, the fave craze, I had always been downplayed in favour of someone else. Gone unnoticed. Never spoken about in relation to wlw. I was even told I had to treat fandom like a marketing game at all times in order to be seen. Seen. [seen] at a place that claimed to be friendly, supportive, accepting, that was every thing under the Sun, but that had always ignored what I had, but what it would also had asked of me all the time: wlw / wlw smut.

Only never to read it. Never to even open it, at least. Never to remember their asks were always answered and could be answered right away. But alas, unseen, unnoticed; largest wlw fic collection in Russian in this fandom went to bin because I can't look at it any longer anymore.

Granted, it wasn't anything perfect, spectacular, or even finished. But it was very dear to me nonetheless, writing these silly romances and shaping characters I post headcanons about. It all has started there.

What I faced was a mistake which I profoundly regret making, placing my trust in that finicky interest of others, very eager to had me but then… never telling me something vital and crucial. Never realising the more silence I'd gotten would eventually lead to my leave after all my work -- my lore stuff -- would've been called a delusion.

Word thrown at me in annoyance at my futile attempts to have some rhyme and reason to whatever conversation we'd had at the moment. I do not take offences lightly. Especially after said delusions were praised and highly rated. I left, didn't want to know what my fics were nor who I were to hid them and never to share them with anyone.

I'm afraid of making this mistake again; writing and publishing more works that I shall, must approve of myself first, accept them as my soullings, and then… what, see them being [seen] again? first praised, then, when I'm appearing slightly less conforming, dip them into shit, because this is what they really are -- to somebody I used to trust? Because this is where I am at, too -- at the septic pit, yes?

I'm not projecting, mind. But keeping this ungodly experience in mind and remembering how it has affected me, shaped me into an anxious and angry creature, I just…

Don't ask if you're not going to ever indulge in anything written not by the dear friend's hand, please. Let the sleeping dogs lie. Let them hum to each other, growl, snore, hiss and share dreams in peace.

[phagodyke]

aouuugh my uterus......

[cy-cyborg]

I'm getting a little tierd of the idea because amputees get more representation in media, it means rep for our disability is better and we "have enough"

People are right, we do have way more rep than really any other disability, im not going to deny that, and ive joked before about how often people write amputees without even realising it. So you would think, by sheer numbers, we should have at least some good representation, but by-and-large that is not the case. Legitimatly, the closest example I can think of to point to of good amputee rep is Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood and even that uses multiple tropes I hate (the miracle cure/quest for the miracle cure, the almost perfect prosthetic replacement/forgetting the chatacter is an amputee until it breaks or needs repairs, refusal to call prosthetics, "prosthetics" (automail), the amputee who can't do anything without a prosthetic) and they call Ed a slur for another disability (m*dget) CONSTANTLY. I love fmab deeply, it legitimatly helped me feel seen and represented as a childhood amputee in a way no other show has even come close to, and when it gets it right, it gets it really right, but it's also very far from great and should not be the best example I can think of. Especially nearly 15 years after it released...

A big part of the reason why I don't read many books anymore is because of the sheer amount of books with downright offensively bad amputee rep, some of which were touted as good by people with other disabilities and were recommended to me as good examples. others times, I wasn't even looking for books with amputee/disability rep, it just popped up. It has ruined one of my childhood hobbies for me. Ive tried to get back into reading again as an adult but it hasn't gotten better in that time i was away. I was kicked out of 3 different scifi writing groups on facebook and reddit for asking people to remember "cybernetic enhancement" users are amputees - a real group of people, and maybe debating weather or not we're less human isnt great, and for pointing out seeing those discussions every day was making me feel pretty unwelcome in that space (yes i know, "real" cyberpunk isnt trying to say that, i had to turn notifications off on my post about the topic, it doesnt change the fact that newer creators in the genre dont seem to get that bit, that ive seen cyberpunk writers in these spaces say that debating weather people who loose more parts of their body were less human was, in fact, their intent but they hadnt even considered the fact this made their chatacters amputees, it doesnt change the fact that these tropes, intentionally or not, help make those spaces hostile for disabled fans/creators, especially amputees).

But yeah, I should be thankful I get more rep than other disabilities, no matter the quality, right?

It doesn't just stop at being me being made uncomfortable, though. The sheer, overwhelming amount of amputee chatacters with "perfect prosthetics" has had a noticeable impact on how we are perceived irl. In my lifetime, the general idea people have about multi-limbed amputees in particular has gone from "literally the worst thing that can happen to a person and the worst disability to have" to "is it even a disability? The prosthetic fixes it". These are both wildly untrue and harmful ideas about my disability that were both perpetuated by media, but now that the second one is taking root, it's causing real problems. I have not been shy in talking about how I have to fight to maintain my NDIS funding every time I get something done with my prosthetics, and had to get my prosthetist to sign off, twice, that my fancy prosthetic knee that costs the same as a higher-end new car ($125,000 AUD) is not, in fact a cure and I still need help with other things. It took me nearly 2 years to get a new wheelchair because they didn't understand why I needed it if I had the prosthetics - which to be honest, is not comfortable for me to wear, let alone use all day every day. Guys this isn't just assholes on the street or on twitter saying dumb shit, it's the people in the government body who decide how much funding I get to help with my disability who beleive it. People who have very real control over my life. It's not entirely the media's fault, but when the sheer, overwhelming majority of representation for people like me confirms that belief, it's hard to ignore the possibility that these portrayals are contributing to it, you know?

Which makes it so frustrating when I come on here and see other disability writing advice blogs saying to not write amputees because they have so much representation already. We do, I can acknowledge that, but the vast, vast majority of it is shit, and no one, not even other disabled people, are listening to us about it. And what makes it even worse, is the people they're advising to not writing amputees are the creators who care enough to be doing the research. They're the ones willing to listen, to ask questions. They could be the start of the positive change. But instead they're advised to not even bother with us.

And don't get me wrong, other disabilities ARE under-represented. There are so many disabilities, including some I have myself, that I've never seen represented as anything other than the butt of a joke. There does need to be more reprentation of disabilities other than amputation and limb differences. 100%! but can you please talk about that without saying "amputees have enough"

This isn't even touching on how amputees/people with limb differences who dont/cant use prosthetics, or even folks who use prosthetics sometimes but not others, are almost never represented unless it's for pitty-porn, or how the non-fictional media's (news outlets, etc) portrayal of amputees in particular is used to justify hurting very real, very vunderable people but this rant is long enough and honestly, ive got enough thoughts to make whole other posts on those subjects. That second one in particular deserves its own (more thought-out) spotlight and shouldn't be a footnote in a frustrated rant post lol.

[eternitas]

So by now a good chunk of people have watched @quinton-reviews Video series (or as he calls it :'Mini series' lol) discussing Fred, iCarly, Victorious and now Sam and Cat.

One thing that just wouldnt let go of me (and I also made a comment on that) was a moment in iCarly he talked about in which Sam and Freddy as a couple have to deal with Freddies mum trying to seperate them. It all goes so far that Freddie finds out that Sam manipulated his application to a summer camp so he would be rejected.

I wont go into much more detail but lets say that Sams reason is not fully... Understandable here.

Now mind you I have only wwtched quintons review and never seen that particular episode myself, but their "fight" really bothered me because it seemed like a completely botched moment where they could've inserted a real character moment.

So. Here is my 5 minute first draft of "how it couldve gone" in scipt form

DISCLAIMER: I do not have a proper grasp on these characters so its likey that this is very out of character. But then again, the writers didn't do them that well either so-

[Scene: Sam and Freddy are upatairs in the iCarly studio, having an argument after Freddie found out that Sam is responsible for him not being accepted to the summer camp. They are alone in the room]

F: I want to know WHY sam!

S: because-- i was mad at you

F: for what?

S: remember when I asked you for the time and--

F: that can't be the reason.

S: it is!

F: Sam, tell me the truth right now or I am leaving!

S: no wait! Wait, please don't go-

F: ...

[Freddy is taken aback by her sudden display of panick and it knocks him out of his own anger. He becomes soft]

F: Sam. Please tell me why you did that. I want to understand.

S: because--- i don't want you to go.

F: but WHY

S: because I need you.

F: need me how?

S: I dont know! It's... Easier with you. Everything is. Like it is with Carly but different. You make things better.

[She sits down defeated and lets her head hang. Freddy hesitates then sits down next to her]

F: Like Carly?

S: yeah but differently. She makes things less awful and problems less.... Bad. She gives me a place I can call home. And you're giving me something like that.

F: being with me grounds you

S: yeah that.

F: ...

S: Please don't leave me.

[ Sam tears up and her voice breaks. Freddy pulls her close so she can lean onto him]

F: I'm still mad. I get now why you did that, but that doesnt mean that I will just forgive you and forget this. I really wanted to get into that summercamp.

S: I know.

F: It's not just a camp I really want to go to. I'd get some space from my mum.

[Sam sits up and faces Freddy with realisation.]

F: I could've had a summer without her constantly being around me. Not that she wouldn't try to still visit and call all the time. But that's not an option anymore.

S: I--- I didn't know.

F: yeah. why didn't you talk to me?

S: because! ... I didn't want you to see me as clingy. we weren't dating and I didn't want you to know what you mean to me.

F: but if we cant talk to each other then maybe we don't even have a friendship we can rely on!

[It grows quiet and freedy stands up. Sam tries to reach for him to sit back down but he manages to escape her.]

F: I'll go get Carly for you.

S: Freddy.

F: You seem to have no trouble talking to her.

S: Freddy!

[Carly comes in and stops in her tracks looking from freddy to sam and back]

F: I'll be going.

C: Freddy-

F: I'll text you. Take care of Sam.

[Freddy leaves without being stopped and Sam tears up again before anger gets to her and she starts to become violent in frustration.]

C: Sam! stop it!

[Carly manages to wrangle Sam away from her destruction and hugs her while Sam breaks into sobs and clings to Carly.

Black]

----

And then we get a full second episode of sam and freddie being awkward with each other and trying to mend their relationship.

[gothmods]

I think i was designed to live alone or at least entirely independently because i just cannot adapt to other peoples routines and general behavioural patterns wrt everyday things

And i just constantly find myself getting peeved because the fridge is organised wrong or because someone has made food without thinking to use up what most needs eating and im the only one who cooks regularly and also eats leftovers and it feels like im expected to handle dinner until suddenly im not which wouldnt be a problem if not for me being the only person who really eats leftovers

Or when someone hasnt cleaned/is in the middle of cleaning the kitchen when i go to make lunch and suddenly my momentum is at an abrupt holt because i have to delay getting lunch until space is cleared

But i hate verbalising all this because i feel like ill just get made out to be overly demanding

I didnt have as much trouble when i had housemates because there was a lot less shared meals and subsequently almost no shared food and i could just keep track of me and there was a lot less, like people tended to keep to their own spaces unless they needed the kitchen

Idk its hard to explain because my preferences arent rooted in rationality as much as my own internal sense of routine and balance

And i worry im such a nitpick but it genuinely really throws me off when things play out differently to what i prepared for or when things arent arranged or done the way i feel is best

I think part of the problem is idk if my family even realises what is and isnt part of my key routine because my routine isnt about doing things at strict times so much as its like a train and i need to have a good chunk of warning if there are roadblocks so i can change routes

It wasnt until i got older that i was able to recognise that need and address it and sonetimes i feel like im still treated like i was as a child and not as the adult i currently am in terms of how i organise my life but mainly how family members go about living with me

I dont feel like this is my home, my shed is mine but everything else still very much feels like im only visiting, like im just sorta here but it doesnt feel right, like wearing someone elses clothes

[minalblood]

Ok this isnt my usual way of doing things cuz... Well, tbh i dont really care enough to actually make a post bout most things, id just rather reblog shit, but I've now seen several posts comparing the Loki finale with spn's and just... Where?

Spn ended as a show with one of the most hopelessness inducing shit I've ever seen, taking a character thats been consistently seen as at the very least depressed and killing him off with a 'that's what his happy ending looks like' plastered on it, another character who's whole ark was reconciling with himself about who he is only to make him essentially cut half of himself out for a kid and also still be unhappy, and a third who's whole thing was learning what free will is and that he too deserves free will only to have him go back to obeying orders in heaven. It was absolutely against everything the show had portrayed for 15 years, including in the actual season this finale was a part of.

Loki is an on going show (s 2 confirmed), but even if it hadn't been, the shows main narrative themes remained true to the end, Loki did in fact grow as a character, the shows ultimate plot is about free will, tackling also the fact that free will means shit will also happen, its not only roses and happiness and Sylvie stuck to her actual goal and achieved it, aka killing whoever was behing the TVA. Loki's goal throughtout the show wasn't killing the Time keepers, it was having the free will to write his own life story and he's done and doing exactly that, sometimes that means shit happens, no characters died needlessly in my opinion and as I've said, in no way did it go against its own themes that it established initially. Not to mention the fact again that it's ongoing!

Finally to touch on what people are really complaining about (the more vocal post I've seen circulating, I've no doubt some people just genuinely didn't like it and thats fine) which is the Sylvie/Loki thing. Ok lets discuss. Firstly, if it's not ur thing that's entirely fine, its not mine either, but to claim it's a problem for u cuz it's, as Ive seen multiole people say, heteronormative is hella problematic to me since it seems to erase the fact that both characters by their own words are bi/pan. That's shitty. Number 2: 'if Sylvie was male presenting they wouldn't have gone there'... Now while I do think Marvel/Disney wouldnt likely have the balls, I still find issue with this statement since it feels very... Sexist to me. I dunno what exactly about it, but it very much reads like y'all would not complain bout the pairing if Sylvie was male presenting more so than a dig at Marvel/Disney and that is not cool with me. And finally, C the selfcest thing as incest stand-in. Ok so I get that selfcest aint for everyone, which again, fair point if u just dont vibe at all, but the actual issues people seem to have is less with it being selfcest and more that its not mlm, which is highly hypocritical. Now to the people who do just dislike it for being basically incest, ur perogative, ur view , but I'd've hoped that the whole multivers aspect of this show could've made it clearer that while they are variants of each other they are not actually the same person. Also also since the spn parallel is what began this, to the spn fans I ask, how tf can y'all not see this, the multuple versions of Sam and Dean alone should have you realize it's someones history, experience, surroundings, accuaintances that mould a person. We don't even know for sure if they share parents! Its a dif universe they've been born in, oddly enough that means they couldn't be more physically different, even if they may share some personality traits or some history between them. Again, i dont ship it, it feels awkward to me based on their interactions, but that doesnt mean imma say some bullshit bout incest just cuz I dont like the idea. Fact is they're not actually related and, as an aside, the would u fuck ur clone talk has been around for ages with little issues about incest because its already covered in the meme as is the pollar opposite.

Ok this was rambly and well, hopefully some of my points have been made clear. To end I just wanna say I do look forward to season 2, I can't wait to see Mobius and Loki reacquaint now that we have a Mobius that doesnt remember/know Loki it'll be a nice juxtapose to their relation this season (yes i ship it, whatever) and also also wanna see what's gonna happen with Kang overall and with Sylvie. She wasn't having a good time there.

Edited below:

So quick add, I just realised why the comparison fucks with me so much more than other shit and it's cuz it reduces both finales to shipping, thats why it annoys me, it essentially undermines Loki's whole arc and reduces it to shipping and it also undermines just how bad spn ended and why its bad since it also reduces it to a ship. Neither are bad or good because of a ship being canon or not on its own and seeing this comparison makes it seem very much like thats the reason spn ended bad and equally makes Loki ending bad because of course it would if the ship didnt go the way you wanted it. But thats not the way to measure a show like Loki or Spn, or at least def not the only measurement to apply for the end conclusion.

[just-a-poor-boy-queen]

I've had a really hard day today and I saw someone wanted more Jimary crack, so I decided to write it to cheer myself up. I hope three fics in a row isn't too excessive. (All credit goes to the anon who suggested this.)

--

‘She’s drunk.’ Joe said very matter-of-factly, lifting his wine glass to his lips, only to discover there was nothing left in it.

‘Very drunk.’ Replied Phoebe, reaching for the bottle nearby and giving them both a refill.

It wasn’t as though they had never seen Mary drunk before. She was usually all giggly and bouncy after a few drinks, perhaps more talkative than usual and, in Joe’s opinion, far less uptight. But they had never seen her like this; her eyes heavy lidded, downing her wine like it was water and clumsily swaying to the music that filled the busy lounge, stumbling every now and again to keep her balance. She was clearly taking her break up with Piers very badly.

‘Freddie’s livid.’ Joe murmured, glancing over at the singer who appeared to be deep in conversation with Peter Straker, but kept glancing over at the intoxicated woman who was trying to coax Brian into dancing with her, much to the displeasure of Anita. ‘Prepare yourself for a screaming match later on.’

‘I already have the popcorn ready.’

Mary eventually gave up on Brian and loudly announced she was heading into the kitchen for another bottle of rosé, almost stepping on Delilah as she staggered through the door. She surveyed the kitchen a moment, the room spinning as her alcohol consumption finally caught up with her, before she noticed Jim sitting alone at the kitchen table, trying unsuccessfully to uncork a large bottle of champagne between his knees.

She had always been a little jealous of Jim. Before he came along, she had always held out hope that Freddie might return to her one day, discover he wasn’t actually into men or something daft like that. But then this Irishman appeared, who wasn’t like Freddie’s other boyfriends; for the first time, it seemed like Freddie was in love and ready to settle down, happy in a way she had never seen him before. It had been hard for her to accept; but when Piers had finally had enough of her obsession and left her, she realised that she would never be able to properly move on with her life if she kept latching on to the past. She had to let Freddie go. She had to accept that, while they would always be friends, Freddie was gay and what they had all those years ago was over.

Jim noticed her hovering and looked up, giving her a small smile. ‘Enjoying the party?’

Mary hummed in response, going to the cupboard where the booze was kept and digging around until she found the rosé she was looking for. When she looked back at Jim, he still hadn’t managed to remove the cork and was quietly cursing under his breath in his thick Irish accent.

It was quite a nice voice, her inebriated mind told her.

‘You have a lovely voice.’ She suddenly said aloud, her words slurred. She wobbled up to him, heels clinking against the kitchen tiles as she unscrewed the top of the rosé bottle. ‘Where is it you’re from again?’

Jim blinked at her dumbly. He wasn’t used to Mary initiating conversation like this; she was usually so reserved. ‘Um, a town called Carlow. It’s near Dublin.’

‘It is, isn’t it?’ Mary drawled and without any warning, she suddenly plopped herself down in Jim's lap, making him jump in surprise. ‘Ireland is sss-such a lovely place. Lots of sheep there.’

Jim’s face went red, and he carefully set the champagne bottle down on the table. ‘Yeah, I suppose there are.’

Much to his horror, Mary put the bottle of rosé to her lips and began downing the drink ruthlessly, not stopping until it was almost half empty. When she finally stopped, she carelessly abandoned the bottle next to the champagne and turned around to stare Jim directly in the eyes, her smile disturbingly wide.

‘You have beautiful eyes.’ She garbled, moving her finger as if she was going to poke them out, but she instead ended up giving him a weird boop on the nose. ‘And your arms are so big.’ She reached down to squeeze his bicep, giggling like a schoolgirl. ‘I bet you’re really strong. Remember when you lifted me up at Freddie’s birthday party?’

Jim remembered. He was so plastered that night he had almost dropped her on her head.

‘Are you feeling alright, Mary?’ he asked warily, not comfortable with how close their faces were.

‘I’m wonderful, Jim.’ Mary giggled again, though it sounded a little manic. ‘I really, really want to dance. Will you dance with me, Jim?’

‘I’m not much of a dancer, Mary.’ Jim coughed, glancing over his shoulder in hope that someone might come through the kitchen door and save him.

‘That’s not true! I’ve seen you dance!’ Mary insisted, pulling at his hands, ‘come on.’

Jim didn’t have the energy to argue with her, already a little tipsy himself, and he allowed her to drag him into the middle of the kitchen, face filling with colour as Mary threw her arms around his neck and sagged all of her body weight against him. He realised rather quickly that if he let her go, she’d probably fall face first onto the floor and never get up again.

The next five minutes had to be the most uncomfortable of his entire life, as he swayed in awkward circles with his husband’s ex-girlfriend, mindfully trying to keep his hands off her waist. He wasn’t a religious man, but in that moment, he prayed to every God in existence that someone would call him from the lounge and rescue him from this predicament.

Mary suddenly lifted her head from his shoulder and whispered in his ear. ‘Marry me, Jim.’

The Irishman stared down at her, eyes comically wide. ‘Beg your pardon?’

‘Marry me.’ Mary grinned at him, leaning so close that for one horrible moment he thought she might try to kiss him. ‘We can have lots of beautiful Irish babies together.’

Jim sighed. Next time they had a party, he was going to replace Mary’s wine with Ribena. ‘I’m very flattered by your offer, but there are two problems; I’m gay and I’m married to Freddie.’

‘Oh bugger.’ Said Mary, as if she had forgotten that detail. ‘You can still marry me though. We can run away to Cardiff together.’

‘Carlow, Mary.’

Her face suddenly fell and she stepped away from him, looking betrayed. 'Is it because of the cats?'

'The what?'

‘That's why you don't want to marry me, isn't it?’ Mary's lip trembled as if she was about to cry. ‘Freddie has cats and I don't!'

‘Mary, I’m going to get you some water.’ Jim replied, making a beeline for the sink.

‘No, don’t leave!’ Mary grabbed his sleeve, trying to tug him back. ‘Stay with me, Jim. I'll buy you all the cats you want!’

‘You’ll feel much better after drinking this.’ Jim said firmly, pouring a glass of water and turning around to hand it to her. As soon as he did, her lips were suddenly pressed against his own, arms locked around his neck so there was no escape as he yelled against her mouth in surprise.

‘Mary!’ he roared, as soon as she released him, half the water having spilled onto the floor during the struggle. ‘What the bloody hell are you playing at?!’

Mary grinned; lipstick smudged across her face, so she looked like the Joker. ‘I’ve never kissed an Irishman before. Does that make me Irish now?’

Before Jim could even answer, she suddenly dry heaved; he grabbed her and stuck her head into the sink as she vomited up the contents of her stomach.

--

‘What the fuck happened?’ Freddie demanded, as Jim walked into the lounge, his shirt ruffled, a smear of red lipstick on his mouth and a very drunk Mary giggling uncontrollably in his arms.

‘Your ex-girlfriend asked me to marry her, then threw up.’ Jim replied, as if this was a normal occurrence. ‘I’m going to put her in one of the guest rooms so she can sleep it off.’

He turned and walked out of the lounge before anyone could respond. Freddie clenched his glass so hard it was a miracle it didn’t shatter in his hand.

‘I’m going to murder her!’ he growled, lunging towards the door, only for Phoebe to grab him from behind and hoist him up. ‘Let me go! That backstabbing homewrecker is trying to abscond with my husband!’

‘Take it easy, Fred.’ Phoebe said calmly, holding onto the man effortlessly. ‘You can kill her tomorrow.’

‘Yeah, we haven’t even had dessert yet.’ Said Joe, holding onto Freddie's legs to stop him from kicking. ‘I spent all fucking day slaving over that baked Alaska, you’re eating it whether you like it or not!’

Firstly, I am so sorry you are having a hard day. I feel terrible that whilst you are doing so much to entertain us with this outrageous crackship, you are not having a good time. I can just hope that writing these stories bring you as much joy as they bring us.

And now, the fic. I AM WHEEZING. First of all, I fucking love Joe. Even though we've never heard him speak, or ever listened to his words through his own perspective, I feel that your characterisation is so realistic. His dessert comment slayed me lmao.

And oof, Mary being drunk off her ass is my new favourite trope. And lmao her thinking that Jim doesnt want to marry her because she doesn't have cats😂😂😂 Leave him alone, Mary. He doesn't want to have irish babies with you.

And hahahahaha Freddie's reaction is as epic as I had envisioned. And god, this is another nightmare that Jim isn't going to recover from soon.

This is such a fantastic crackship, omg. I absolutely loved this💙💙

(More drabbles by writer anon)

Also anon, if you ever want to talk, you can always dm me, if you are comfortable of course🧡

[fellulahh]

Hi! This may sound boring and if its ok if you refuse! Brothers+Diavolo with a MC who doesnt eat meat? And is conflicted since Devildom's food has such weird names and is constantly asking herself if what is being offered to her was some sort of animal or just a weird plant but also doesnt trust when they say its safe for her to eat cause betrayal has happened before to her and ended with her sick and the rest laughing at her expense (yesss, tru storyyy kjfhgkfj)

I hope this is okay! I’m sorry it took so long - I did a little drabble of how the characters find out💞

-

The brothers and Diavolo find out MC doesn’t eat meat

As MC’s eyes observed the food in front of her, she had a conflicted look on her face. They’d all been invited to Diavolo’s palace for a big feast in celebration of Asmo’s birthday. Usually food isn’t a problem for MC because when she’s at the house she always ask Lucifer to get her certain bits on the food shop. However, now that she was under Diavolo’s roof, everything in front of her was foreign.

She’d never mentioned her vegetarianism to any of them before. After all, she got enough judgement for it back in the human realm let alone in Devildom.

Nervously glancing up at the 8 eating demons, she spoke in a quiet voice. “Do any of these dishes have meat in them?”

“Fear not MC, they all do!” Diavolo chuckled, “You won’t be lacking any protein by the time you’re finished.”

“Oh...” MC breathed awkwardly.

“Why what’s wrong?” Satan asked curiously as he studied her troubled expression. “Do you not like meat?”

“I don’t...eat it.” She mumbled, “I’m a vegetarian.”

“What’s a fedgiterryan?” Mammon spoke up confused.

“A vegetarian you complete idiot.” Satan shook his head, “it means she doesn’t eat any food that contains meat!”

Suddenly all of the demons turned their attention to the human. All of them had quizzical looks on their faces. They never imagined the idea of not eating meat - it was one of their favourite things! Practically every dish in Devildom contained the stuff.

“Why don’t you eat meat?” Levi asked scrunching his nose.

“I don’t believe in the consumption of animals, I think it’s cruel to raise them for slaughter...” she mumbled quietly.

The demons all thought for a moment, contemplating over the idea. “Is this a common thing in the human realm?” Diavolo asked intrigued.

“Yes actually.” MC nodded, “there’s a lot of people who have the same beliefs.”

The room fell silent as they all processed her words.

“Well I admire you for it!” Satan spoke up, dropping his knife on his plate. “It’s really nice that you make such a sacrifice for something you believe in.”

“Thank you.” MC smiled. “It’s hardly a sacrifice though.”

Suddenly Diavolo had a wave of guilt fill him as he realised the table was covered in various types of meat. Standing up from his seat, he called for his servant. “Barbatos!”

“Yes, My Lord?” He asked as he stepped toward the table.

“Please see to it that MC has a dish made for her with zero meat product in it!” He demanded before turning his head to her, “I’m so sorry, MC. I had no idea!”

“It’s fine!” MC smiled, happy that they hadn’t reacted badly to the revelation.

None of them thought any less of her. In fact, they almost felt bad that they’d be completely oblivious until now. Was she afraid to tell them? Nevertheless, Diavolo had a vegetarian dish prepared for her and it was the best meal she’d had since being in Devildom.

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[idjitlili]

Gonna need a wheel chair

Bard x reader

A request from @ifitaketwomoresteps​ 

“I noticed you haven’t wrote for bard *shocked emoji*can you write something fluffy and sweet for him?” I cant tell if this what you wanted ,i kinda went mental when i thought of a title...

summary:renting a room from bard only to come home ,to find a bunch of dwarves there,lets just say he doesnt like the looks the dwarves were giving you.

word count:1551 a/n sorry if this isnt great a request from tumblr ,it was my greatnans funeral ,and at the wake I ended up injuring my second biggest toe on a door. po tat TOE.  

Okay times were tuff in laketown,people could barely avoid to feed themselves,oh and you were worse you couldn't avoid to home yourself. You had been friends with Bard for many years,well your older brother was that how you knew him. Yeah brothers bestfriend you had developed a crush on him,but in the end he got married and had two children. You were beyond heartbroken,you bottled it all up to hide it from your brother,getting a job in laketowns only pub as a waitress.

At this point you were only a teenager ,you shoud not have fell in love with an older man,yeah. The reason you needed to work was simply you wanted your own freedom to go on adventures,and not live with your parents. Fast forward still saving ,when you hear news of Bards wife dying in childbirth ,he was a widow now. Is that what you call a guy with a dead spouse you werent sure.

In a couple of years later he comes into the pub ,starts talking to you,informs you of how he needs a babysitter for most hours in the day,due to his job. Yeah you were confused why he was telling you this,but it turns out he had spoken to your brother about it ,and he had informed Bard that you were saving to get out of the house. In which you would be happy with just a room,and this caused Bard to offer you a job as his childrens babysitter,and get payed and live with him for free.

You still on weekends worked at the pub,as those were Bards'  two days off in the week. This babysitting gig meant free home away from your parents, free food ,money ,only disadvantage was being so close to the man that didnt love you back.This carried on for a couple of years,in which you might aswell be their mother ,being the only motherly figure Tilda had ever known,the other too seem to like you but didnt warm up to you as quickly. Unknowingly to you Bard grew deep feelings for you too,but thought you would never return them as he was father to three children,what could he offer you but barrels from the elven king,Thranduil.

Your parents nagged you everytime they saw you ,asking when you would court someone,as they were scared not ever seeing you in a proper relationship. Your mother would ask if you liked Bard or how was bard oh how are your legs,can you still walk.It was horrific;in honesty.

However on this particular day you had cooked dinner when you had realised there was no more bread, so you would have to run out,telling the children not answer the door to anyone but you and Bard,as he was due back any minute. Only to your luck you had brought the bread ,heading back onlyto run into Alfrid who shamelessly tried flirting with you ,in which you told him "go brush your bloody teeth maggot" in which he did not like that ,and it ended up with you being pushed in the lake ,dropping the bread on the wood before hand.

Your outer dresses and corset pulling you done, making it hard for you swim up. The cold water over taking you ,only choice you had was to cut off the corset and outer dress with the knife located in your sock.

Alfrid laughing at you from the decking ,only to gasp when you come rushing up in just your now very see through dress thing,with shorts on underneath of course. Alfrid had began to walk away when you had pulled yourself up onto the decking grabbing a hold of him ,throwing his bloody hat in the water before punching him square in the nose. Him being a coward had almost fell over ,gasping ,kinda of crying before sprinting off like sonic in embarrassment. YOu had frowned in annoyance about your now ruined new dresses,before picking up the loaf of bread ,heading home.

You had tried to rush back without drawing to much attention the the dress ,and how awful you must look right now,you didnt want these people seeing your breasts.You had swung the door open ,loaf in one arm ,you sorta looked like the terminator,when he holds the present.

This caused a whole bunch of dwarves ,Bard and the childrens eyes to be covered to look at you wide eyed-wait why were there dwarves here. Bard had looked you up and down in shock before taking a blanket from sigrid's arms ,walking to you fast paced wrapping it around you covering you up.

"what in bloody middle earth ,caused you to run around naked?" Bard had whisper shouted at you making you flinch ever so slightly. " I went to go get bread for dinner then after Alfrid." you had whispered to Bard looking down in embarrassment ,you had hoped that he wouldnt have been home and seen so much of you. It was worse that so did a bunch of dwarves that you didnt know did too. "what did he do?OH MY-I'll kill him" he had turned literal red in anger,you had gripped his arm stopping him going past the door. "he only pushed me in the water , the dresses were pulling  me down, I had to cut them off. If anything he will leave me alone." you had smirked up proudly at Bard ,who looked at you confused.

"what did you do hm,y/n?" at this point he had pulled you into your room away from the eyes of the dwarves,some more pervy than others. "well first off so you aren't angry with me he was making a move on me again.  So I told him to brush his teeth ,and then boom im in the water so then I had to cut my NEW dresses to avoid death,then jumped out like a bloody frog and boom punch him in the face.I swear to god he started crying and ran away." he had chuckled at your emphasising gestures at the words new ,frog and boom,well those were only hand movements but he liked your description.

"he has done this before?why have you never said,I would have sorted him for you." he spoke brushing a stray strand of wet hair from your face with his rough fingers,making you lightly redden.

"yes multiple times, i'm a waitress it happens. Plus I didn't tell you because I dont expect you to protect me,its not your problem." you spoke slightly embarrassed walking to your draws pulling out a pair of trousers and shirt out,before sitting on your bed pulling the shorts off,bard would see anything because your dress was covering,pulling the trousers on. You had shrugged the blanket off standing up,going to pull the dress off,making Bard turn away.

"Its not like you havent seen me nude before. Remember when I tripped with stew and went to change and you burst in to see if I was okay or about the time when-""yeah I get it,its just not very polite to watch a women undress and not give her privacy." he spoke quietly,still facing away as you now pulled your tunic on.  In which you had turned him around ,pressing a peck of your lips to his ,before speaking "yeah ,unfortunately for me most of lake town and  a bunch of dwarves have seen pretty much everything." you began to walk away to open the door but Bard turns you to face him like you had done to him.

"I really cant tell was that kiss signifying you like me back or?" he had questioned you with his big green eyes,searching for any emotion. You had smirked up nodding ,you dont know what had given you that push to kiss him but it happened.  He had grinned widely ,following you . And with that you had walked out your room with the loaf still with you. Only for Tilda to running and jump into your  arms once you had reached the kitchen.

"DArn the bread is really squashed now." you had thought but you were happy ,you could already hear your nosy mouth asking "do you need a wheelchair,what kind of sausage is it german or- yeah lets not continue thinking about that. Anyways you end up travelling just not how you expecting ,uhh smuag the terrible. But after that you did go travelling to different kingdoms ,well you had to due to Bard being king of dale,but never less you got to see everything you wanted and you got a family with it.

[remade-stopframevevo]

can you tell us more about fawnstar? he is epic

he is pretty epic in a nuclear explosion kind of way

the strategy of answering oc asks by just talking until i couldnt anymore seemed to work pretty well last time so im just going to do that again. ive also been putting this ask off for too long cuz i knew it was going to take forever to answer LOL, i will note though if some things dont make sense theres a good chance im just dancing around spoiling things because hes One of Those types of ocs, you can still ask about certain things (the way im typing this has the 3 times ive said the word things lining up and its really throwing me off) but theres no guarantee i’ll be able to answer them, at least truthfully (theres like a 50% chance im going to intentionally lie about shit when answering this ask btw. just so you know <3)

anyway, fawnstar (he/they nonbiney; no last name, groveclan leaders have their surnames revoked upon leadership) is groveclan’s leader and has been for about *papers shuffling sfx* four-ish years now but dont take that as final because i just realised i dont like the age they wouldve been when they became leader lmfao

fawnstar doesn’t have any known surviving biological family. his mother, eveningeye (she/her), died two years after he became leader and was given a brief and detached funeral. their biological father was a kittypet (which is also where they got The Mane Genetic from) although fawnstar was never told that and to this day doesnt know, not that they care either. also *inserts pic of eveningeye i dont remember even drawing*

fawnstar was made leader after the previous leader, buckstar (he/him tom, also important note: groveclan leaders are chosen at birth and are named after the current leader. this is a tradition that ended with fawnstar), was killed in an ambush. around half a day after buckstar had left camp and not returned, fawnstar - fawnfur at the time - who had been in and out of camp sporadically for the past 2 months, had returned to camp alone in the midst of literally dying, said some incomprehensible shit about rogues and collapsed in the medicine cat den and was left under the care of marblepaw whilst half the clan went out looking for buckstar or any signs of rogues. buckstar’s body was never found, although rogue scent was detected on the outskirts of groveclan’s territory. as a result of this incident, the clans have become much more unforgiving and hostile toward rogues.

as the search for buckstar or any rogues was going on, marblepaw had officially declared fawnfur as dead. no one’s ever let marbleheart live down the fact they declared a cat dead only for said cat to get back up three minutes later, but they still stand by the fact that there would’ve been no way for a fatal neck wound like that to just fix itself, or for them to fix it either.

after the incident, fawnfur became leader and appointed cranecloud (who passed away about... 2 years ago from present day) as their deputy. cranecloud had to do most of the work for the first 3 weeks as fawnstar took time to physically and mentally recover from the event, their voice never fully recovered and four years later they still permanently sound like they need to clear their throat. they never really recovered mentally either.

anyway! that fun stuff aside, fawnstar is a very, very very very very lenient leader to an irritating extent to his clanmates who actually care about the warrior code, ie the hopeheart thing and how when one of his clanmates openly brought in a half floodclan kit his reaction was to shrug and go, “not my problem”. fawnstar’s only concern with the warrior code is avoiding any conflict with the other clans, to the point where he’s pushed his boundaries with each of them far enough that he’s figured out how each will react toward a public break in the code and who he’s safest to fuck up with.

speaking of the clan he’s safest to fuck up with, floodclan and groveclan have a very amicable relationship. this is more of a floodclan thing so i’ll talk more about it when i get to them/the leader, but floodclan has a very... inhabitable territory during the winter. long story short it gets flooded when the rain gets to its worst who’d have thunk it in a place where “flood” is in the name, floodclan’s way of dealing with this is splitting the clan in two and sending half of them to groveclan, who’s camp is on higher ground, until the rain passes since the Still Habitable part of the clan is too small to hold *papers shuffling sfx 2* ~26 cats all at once. usually the deputy and leader would take it in turns to visit each year, but shadowstar (he/she/they tom), floodclan’s current leader, is almost always the one to visit, unless there’s a new deputy who hasn’t taken the lead on the trip before.

there have been challenges to fawnstar’s leadership and how he’s running the clan in the past, but none ended well. despite his apparent lack of care toward anything, fawnstar is still... a very big and very intimidating cat, and a very openly “if you fuck with me im going to crush you like a bug” type of cat. he’s not dictator-like in any way, he doesn’t care enough to be, but any standoffs he’s been made to have against his own clanmates have ended in said clanmate being almost literally backed into a corner and forced to back down.

additionally they’re a very scary cat to have to come into contact with in battle. they don’t take part in them often in the rare occurences they have to happen, but groveclan has a heavy focus on training their warriors to be as effective and strong as possible which is also applied to cats who are Assigned Leader At Birth as fawnstar was. fawnstar was personally given very extreme training, and it’s one of the few things they keep from their younger life and actively makes an effort to keep in the shape they are, even despite their age. oh theyre also very scary because of the apparent immortality and not caring about pain thing! thats scary too.

anyway jesus i just noticed how long of an uninterrupted wall of text this is. im not done but here’s a warrior age fawnstar to break it up a little

to talk more in length about his relationships with others since i havent done it very specifically already heres a few i can think off of the top of my head:

rainwatcher is fawnstar’s deputy and adopted son who they took in after banishing his biological mother on grounds of neglect. even in adulthood they’re still very close. some groveclan residents think it’s a total joke that in the first election for deputy they’ve ever done it’s just a ~coincidence~ the leader’s son wins but fawnstar still refutes there would have been literally no way to fake a winner, they werent even the one counting. if anything fawnstar would have been more comfortable with someone else coming out on top, it’s not that they think rainwatcher is a bad deputy, but they’d rather anyone else in the clan be in such a “precarious” rank than their own son.

marbleheart... does not like fawnstar at all... i feel like it would be very easy to be furious (and terrified) at someone who not only seemingly died and got back up, but made sure everyone thought you were an idiot who was “hallucinating” it. there’s other reasons marbleheart doesn’t like fawnstar but you know 💅 that’s their business *touch tone telephone starts playing, but anyways*

they also have a pretty close relationship with silvermoon (she/her molly), floodclan’s deputy. i’ll talk more about silvermoon when i talk about her in her own post (she IS little ms protagonist herself after all), but silvermoon has been visiting during every winter migration to groveclan since she was a kit and has come to view fawnstar as some weird uncle figure, which is also encouraged (for lack of better word since its 8am right now and i cant think anymore) by shadowstar, silvermoon’s mentor, since he has a.. fairly close relationship with fawnstar too

i know you want me to talk about fawnstars relationship to shadowstar now after saying what i just said and im intentionally not going to <3 you will simply have to ask or wait <3

less specifically, fawnstar is typically very distant from his clanmates, apart from frequently visiting the nursery. it’s one of the only times he makes an effort to leave the clan’s garden (ill talk about what i mean by garden some other time its a territory thing lol) apart from gatherings (and seemingly wandering out into the night sometimes, but that’s his business, i guess...), he’s very watchful over the nursery and the kits and cares very deeply for each of them. arguably the only rule in the warrior code they care for is the one about protecting any and all kits.

anyways, theres definitely more but my brain isnt letting me remember other things to talk about so heres some fun little trivia facts

they have a pet family of snails in the clans garden

this story takes place in the same universe where the canon clans exist in a “what if we took the clans and pushed them (made new ones) somewhere else” way but key figures in clan history are still remembered. one time someone remarked to fawnstar, “hey, youre orange like that firestar guy apparently was” and its the hardest fawnstar had laughed in literally years

they’re gay in a “he never married” way. dont worry about what i mean by this

their least favorite ~historical figure~ is brokenstar, for obvious reasons. if he could he’d kill him three times.

he has adhd

ok thats all i have for now! feel free to ask me about anything here but ive only been awake for like 3 hours and also im very hungry so if any of this is incomprehensible it is simply not my problem!!! thank you for asking about my little war criminal!!!

[mareliini]

The ending of bus children changed dramatically somewhere as I was closing it. The whispers of original ending, of the scene I came up when I was in one of my depression lows in 2013, the one where Jooel jumps in front of the train and is only saved by his friend's time-travelling, can be seen quite late in the story.

It would've been bad ending in multiple ways, but I can't be mad for old fantasies.

To be loved, to belong, despite being able to offer nothing. To be worth saving, unconditionally. These are themes I responded to back then, still do, when pressured further, sitting alone in my room scrolling for fics to read. Replay of that scene, of Petteri running, feverish, through the growd, train passing as they are both a crying mess on the floor for different reasons, confusion, relief, despair, hope, it kept me going through the darkest periods of my young adult life. So much I made the story around it. So much, that I started to see Jooel in me, in more ways than one. To be saved, unconditionally, despite everything. I craved it.

As fantasies often do, they dont translate to real world unproblematically. Like dreams, they exist to fill you with feeling and nothing else, to follow logic that doesn't exist in the realm of those who are awake. Multiple problems arise, all of those you can probably guess by just thinking of it a little. What did it to me, was the wedge it would create between characters, the undertones of "if you're not able to choose how can you truly grow?". It's not anyone else's responsibility to save you, here in the waking world. Certainly not Petteri's, whose whole point is to learn to live for himself despite his powers, who already feels guilty reading news of accidents and attacks, all preventable if he just timetravelled and kept chipping himself to the bone. Because he doesn't see worth in himself if he wasn't of use, if he was alone. He's the me, unable to say no sometimes, unable to cancel plans that don't interest me anymore. Me, a child, wanting my parents to drive me on beach when it was raining, because I met someone there the day before and we promised to see again today and they would be disappointed if they went through all this trouble to go there today, when it was raining, and not see me, it's better if i went there and was disappointed they didn't come instead, can't you see this? Martyrdom comes in so many different flavours.

So I changed it. I wish I changed many other things as well, but those were too far back, unreachable. What it has now is not without uneven edges, but those belong to the story now. Everyone comes with some, logic that doesn't quite follow, scenes that could've been made better... it's what drives you to make something else, something more whole, something satisfying. And despite million tiny embarrasments it gives to me, I'm satisfied with how that scene goes now. With most of the themes present but fixed, slightly. I've never been a fan of stories where protagonist has to grow in order to be accepted. Where they become better so they can achieve something. I wanted to be loved now. Accept myself now despite the state I was in, despite not having the energy to be a better me. I still do.

When Jooel plants his foot down on the pavement, let's the train pass, despite it all, it's not just him growing up. It's a culmination of story beats I wasn't even aware when writing, still trapped and progressing my own hurt. It's an effort made by nearly everyone in the story, rushing in to prevent something I had most clearly decided would happen, must happen, what was the only reason the story existed in the first place. Because Jooel was loved long before either of us realised it. Healing between paragraphs, talking more, bit by bit taking reigns of his own, looking for the future with people I both wished to be and wished to have. The child I had fantazised of being, now standing taller somehow, as did I after years of therapy and support and people loving me every step, despite it all. It's not anyone else's responsibility to save you, but that doesnt mean no one would help.

And, I realised, the ending I planned was not working anymore. What I originally had seen comforting - no matter what you do, how deep you fall there's people catching you up - became stiffling, horrifying. How would you know you're really doing better, wanting to be better if there's a possibility of someone erasing your unhappiness, your darker moments? To try to kill yourself only to find out someone prevented it and suffered for it and would do it again, with no power from your side to stop them. To give you support so certain, it takes away the choise. I wanted Jooel to get better for himself, not for the others, I thought, as we were standing on the boarding area yet again. But maybe choise can be found in repetition too, in infinite second changes. We were, after all been here many times before, and we would for some times still. Just this time it wasn't my fantasy playing out, it was a person, hapardhazardly crafted together from my traumas and my growth, after seven years waiting for this moment to arrive.

We weren't so alone, I think now. The scene not as untouchable as I thought it was despite nothing being changed. I was a different person, somehow, grown into being happy, content, less prone of crying and depression. Jooel was different too, other characters filling cracks in him when I wasn't looking. Child from a house where wind had blown him hollow, but not anymore. He had never really wanted to die. And neither had I.

Jooel boarded the train instead. Being saved by others, but at the end, choosing to save himself. I watched after him and cried.

[heck-im-lost]

A Rainy Day

Pairing: Platonic LAMP (could be seen as romantic - theyre very gay)

Word Count: 1,391

Content warnings: small self-worth issues, crying, feelings of not being good enough, food mentions, mentions of skipping a meal (it doesnt end up happening, but mentioning it just in case)

Summary: Logan, Roman, and Virgil are out for the day, and Patton is home alone. He starts off keeping himself busy, but eventually the loneliness gets him down.       Patton-centric hurt/comfort

Notes: So I initially started writing this for @creativity-killed-thekitten‘s birthday, but then i didnt get round to finishing it until now. I know it is very late but hey, better late than never

Click here to read on AO3

Patton was sitting on his windowsill, warm blankets layered over his lap and a mug of hot chocolate steaming in his hands. The rain beat down on the window, and shook the trees with the sheer force of the water. Watching droplets stream down the cold panes of glass, he sipped his hot chocolate and sighed gently to himself.

He checked the time. It was only 4pm: the others wouldn't be back for another 2 hours.

He didn't like being by himself all day, and had tried to fill the long lonely hours with things to take up the time. He had made brownies and cookies, which were cooling in the kitchen. He'd cleaned all around the apartment, hoovering the floors and wiping down the surfaces. He'd tidied Logan's cluttered desk, taken all of the empty mugs back to the kitchen, and sorted the papers and notebooks into tidier piles.

He had ventured into Virgil's room, and opened the curtains and windows to let in some air, and had dusted all of the shelves and belongings.

And he had picked up all of Roman's clothes that we're strewn across the floor, putting them in the wash basket and washing everyone's things.

And then it had started to rain, so he had made himself his favourite rain-watching drink and had sat himself in his favourite rain-watching seat.

But it didn't feel the same when he was alone. And while he had tried to keep himself busy enough to outrun the loneliness, he couldn't help but let it catch up to him.

That's the problem with rain you see. It makes you think about things that you wanted to avoid.

The house seemed so quiet without the others around. Patton was used to someone always doing something. People talking or passionately arguing, in a friendly sort of way, or Roman singing or Logan ranting about the subjects he loved or the gentle hum of Virgil’s music playing in his room or so many other things.

But it was just him and the emptiness of the house. And the beating rain on the window.

Patton realised that tears had started to trickle down his face, slow at first, but then they started to stream more quickly, just like the rain outside. He couldn't hold it back, and sobbed. His crying fierce but silent, seemingly insignificant compared to the downpour outside.

Soon he had no more tears left to cry, and he leaned back against the edge of the window, tired. He put the empty mug of his hot chocolate down, and watched as the rainstorm calmed down slightly.

Gently closing his eyes, he listened to the regular beating of the raindrops, feeling the cold air from outside upon his face.

And suddenly his eyes shot open, his neck and back aching from his uncomfortable position. He jumped up. Only an hour until they would be back. Patton raced to the kitchen to put the cooling brownies and cookies into suitable containers, and started to wash up the bowls so that he could start making dinner. He wasn't going to have everything ready for them in time.

Burning his hands in the hot water, he frantically scrubbed, cursing himself in frustration. He had to be good enough for them. He scrubbed the largest mixing bowl before rinsing it and putting it on the drying rack with a thunk. He had to do enough to make up for the fact they were all doing important things while he was just at home. He tipped up the washing up bowl and the water sloshed out violently. Stupid Patton couldn't even be by himself for a day without feeling sad.

All he wanted to do was flop on the floor. All he needed was a hug, and a friend to talk to. But he had to do this for them. To show them that he was strong enough to cope by himself.

He started making dinner.

~~~~

Roman put his key in the lock, and dramatically opened the door.

"Paaat-tonnn we're hooooome!!!!" He paused for a second but heard no reply. They shared a look, and then Logan shrugged lightly.

"Patton? Are you here?" His voice my not have had the volume and reverberation of Roman's, but Logan's voice was clearer.

A small mumble was heard from somewhere in the house.

"I'm in the kitchen."

Virgil rushed in first followed by the others quick behind him. Patton was sitting on the kitchen floor, three hot steaming plates of pasta behind him on the counter.

"Are you okay, Pat?"

"I-" all of them could see that he was fighting tears from falling down his face. "It- It doesn't matter." He forced his face into a smile. "I made dinner. It was gonna be a better dish but I fell asleep so I didn't have time. I just made pasta, I'm really sorry. You probably needed something really nice after a whole busy day of doing important things. But silly old Patton fell asleep. I'm really sorry. Don’t worry about me. Just enjoy your dinner."

"Hey, hey Patton it's okay! The meals look fit for royalty! And your presentation is incredible as always. But you're more important than dinner, Patton." Roman sat down in the floor next to Patton and lay his hand on his leg, gently stroking it.

Virgil slumped to the floor too, leaning Patton over so that his head lay on his shoulder. And Logan knelt down with them, carefully taking Patton's hand, holding it safe and secure.

And with that the damn broke. Patton took deep harsh breaths, sobbing into Virgil's shoulder.

"I just wanted-" tears were streaming down his cheeks, wetting Virgil's hoodie, "to be good enough for you." He paused, and gripped Logan's hand tighter. "But I couldn't even stand a day by myself." And with that he cried harder, so caught up in his apparent failure that he couldn't see the loving looks in his friends eyes.

"Patton look at me," Logan instructed. "You are already good enough for us. You don't have to make us dinner or-" he looked around the room "clean up for us to be enough. Because just by existing you are incredible. You make me happier than all of the crofters in the world."

Virgil put his arm around Patton, cradling his head in his chest. "We all love you Patton, we're truly sorry that we had to leave you on your own all day. It won't happen again."

"You are the light in all of our lives Patton, you truly are. And your empathy, and dependence on others is a good thing, not a flaw. You love everyone so much, and you make us, make me at least, feel special and loved and happy. Come on, let's get you up off of the floor." Roman jumped up, and held out a hand, which Patton graciously took.

Logan stood up, and then looked puzzled for a second. "Where is your dinner Patton?" He remarked, gesturing to the three plates on the counter in front of him.

Patton looked at the ground and muttered, just loud enough to hear "There wasn't enough pasta for 4 of us, and I wasn't very hungry so I thought I'd just skip out. I thought that you probably deserved it more than me, with the work from today and all."

"Now that isn't acceptable at all now is it, my prince? And anyone can see that you have been working just as hard us today.” He looked Patton in the eyes, with a face that could barely hold the love for his friend. “We had a lunch a little late, so I'm sure we'd be happy with a little less food, it's much better to share what we have than skip someone out."

Logan and Virgil set off replating the dinner, and Roman pulled Patton to the couch, gesturing for Patton to sit on his lap. Patton slumped down, sighing softly as Roman hugged him tight, before releasing slightly to rub his back.

And with that they sat down at the table, Roman never stopping stroking Patton's leg under the table as they ate. Patton smiled to himself, happy enough to just listen to the others talking about their day.

They were home safe and sound, with him, and they loved him after all.

[potatoindespair]

It's been a while

I thought I was getting better. I've been taking my medicine, seeing the doctor, all that stuff, but I think I've finally realized what the root of my depression is. My parents are emotionally abusive.

All the guilt tripping to get me to do things, all the yelling from my mother, all the threats that "I'll never have a good life if I can't get this done" etcetera etcetera. All my responses have turned into one word replies and my parents believe I need to say more. Why? So you can lecture me about what I think? No thank you, you're already complaining that I dont talk to you enough but when I do you have something about what I say to complain about.

I dont think they even know they're doing it. When I first told them of my depression (along with every other talk about my depression after) they always say "I've never had a daughter before how am I supposed to know what to do?" And that's fair, but we have the internet now. Out of all this time that you've had kids, why have you never sought the help of the internet? I'm more than positive it would have some helpful tips on how to comfort your depressed child or even change from your emotionally abusive ways.

I'm in college now, and even though I've failed twice with online classes, I've come to realize I've dug my own grave because I'm not doing any better with college online courses. So now I'm working on getting transferred to BYUI and my parents seem to be overly pushy with this. They used to say I should stay with them while doing schooling but now it seems they've changed their minds and that it would be best to push me out of the nest.

It's really hard to express, but I'm not feeling any love from my parents. I dont remember the last time I truly felt emotionally safe while in the same room or if I've ever felt even a hint of love. I really want to love my parents, but I'm having such a hard time.

Now that I've got my own phone and I'm paying for my own plan (by piggybacking off my parents plan) the likelyhood of them ever finding this blog is slim to none. They dont get on the internet let alone Tumblr. If they did, they would have already been able to help reduce or resolve this long lasting issue. But no.

I really want to move out even more now. I have plans on selling a whole bunch of my stuff, especially the things I dont need or dont use any more. My parents dont think I can care for myself because I dont like cooking for the family, dont like doing my laundry, and dont clean my room as often as I should. And now that I've found the root of my problem, I realise it's not actually my fault. I dont like cooking for my family because I like simple things and less dishes however my parents dont and find my attempts as not as good. I dont do my laundry as often because I dont like people seeing my laundry. When we were kids and always had a "laundry party" my clothes were out there for everyone to see which was not giving me any privacy for being the only girl. And lastly my room. I dont like people going in there and I dont find the reason to always clean it if it's just going to get messy again and no one is going to see it anyway. I dont really know where this mindset came from but please understand I dont "like" having a messy room. I just want more space to place my stuff so it can be stored neatly and still have room left over without looking packed. Now all of this combined my parents have started commenting things like "and of ~course~ your room isnt cleaned" or "We can't rely on her" and stuff like that. The more they say that the less I want to correct it since I hope it might lessen the anxiety. But it doesnt.

I'm pretty sure this abuse has ruined me. I cant even talk on an important phone call without looking over at my dad after every question to make sure I'm saying the things he believes is the right things to say. And he is smart so usually it is the right thing. But now I dont know if I can ever truly be independent.

I really think moving away will really help me with my anxiety. No more pressure from my parents and constant stress of what they want from me next. I can clean at my own pace with no one to look over my shoulder and judge how I do things. Though I'm still not sure if I'll be able to fold my laundry. It's very tedious and boring. Maybe if I have a good audiobook or someone to talk to then I could get through it.

I wish I could set up a GoFundMe page so I can get support for this move and transition in my life but itll never take off. Every other passion project I've indulged in has failed so why would this. No one even knows of this blog which I made to bring awareness, though that's also partly my problem because I dont know how to advertise, but I also dont want to advertise my problems. Guess I'll continue staying silent then.

[erail411]

The Taken Guardian

It was a quite day at the Tower. More so than usual. For some reason, everyone in the Knight's of the Eve had plans to go out on that exact day. Everyone except one Guardian, Polaroid. She sat quietly in her room, reading a book while petting Daifuku, her Ghost, who was resting in her lap.

"IoT fundamentals" was the name of the book. Truth be told, she already failed to understand what any of this meant around page 90 or so. But she pushed on.

She was about to continue on to the next page, when she heard a faint beeping sound coming from outside her door. Curious, she peeked outside and looked both ways down the hallway, trying to find where the beeping was coming from.

The echoing of the noise made it hard to follow, but she eventually found herself standing in the social area, a wide open space indoors, but had a high ceiling. That's where most of the clan members would gather.

She looked down on one of the tables in the corner. Someone had forgotten their communcation devices, and it was recieving what seems to be a distress signal of some sort.

Polaroid walked up to it, and stared at the thing. She had the urge to pick up, to check if everything was okay, to see what the message was. But... This was someone else's device. She shouldn't touch it. She turned away and backed off from the table. She should get back to reading, but in her mind, she felt wrong to just leave the device beeping.

What if the person is in grave danger? She recalled other guardians' stories about Cayde getting caught in a Vex trap of some sort, trying to teleport.

With guilt hanging from her heart, she rushed to pick up the device and took a quick peek of it. Before she got to see anything, she closed her eyes to look away. Peeking at other people's messages on other people's devices! She must apologize for it later.

"Looks like a request for back up." Daifuku said, looking at the device and reading the message. "In the Dreaming City." The ghost blinked and turned to look at his guardian. "I've heard of it, never been there before. It might be risky. We don't know what's out there. And from the tales of the other guardians, there seems to be this new kind of Fallen."

She looked at the ghost, and then back to the device. She shouldn't take any risk. Not with her.... 'Little problem'. But her thoughts brought her back to the stories of Caybe being trapped in Vex tech...

The guardian then looked around the clan base. Empty. Everyone was out. Everyone was busy. No, she had to go. She might be the person's last hope. So without word, not that she had any to begin with, she rushed back to her room, grabbed her armor and weapons, and made a dash for her ship. Next stop for her was the Dreaming City.

While Polaroid was on her way to the Dreaming City another Guardian of the same clan as Polaroid was already there, his name was Erail and he has taken a job from Petra to investigate and if needed to purge the Blind Well of the Taken. He was a skilled Hunter but even he couldnt stand against hordes of Taken all alone.

He was the one who asked Lilly, his ghost, to send out a back-up signal to the clan, so he would get some help taking over the job. He waited for a while, leaning against one of the many walls of the Well before deciding to start alone for now. If the other members would join later he would at least have something to boost about. With a slight chuckle he grabs his Malfeasance from his holster and activates the well.

Erail touches the Well as it starts to resonate with energy surrounding the entire area in a weird mist. He spins his Malfeasance around his finger by the trigger as the barrel starts to resonate with a weird energy wich usually only means one thing. Taken.

The Taken horde starts to charge towards the Well and at Erail. He wasnt startled or scared as he fought them more then enough already. He readies the Malfeasance in his hand and takes the first shot at a Taken Thrall as the bullet literrally burries into the Thralls bodie.

A few more bullets are shoot at the Thrall, again burrying into its body before exploding and killing the Thrall in the process. He keeps on going against the Horde of Taken hoping that one of the Clan members would soon arrive in case it would get too dangerous.

Erail kept on going against the horde of Taken, more and more would come for each kill he does. They would slowly start to overrun him as his helmet starts to glow brighter then usual. Void light start to form in his hands, taking the form of the Nightstalker bow.

With a single precise shot the arrow hits one of the Taken and forms a ball of void light tethering any Taken that gets close to it.

With precise shots and jumps in the air he takes out the Thralls and other Taken until they slowly start to get less and less. For a moment he thought he finally beats them as a massive Taken Ogre takes form in the Well. Erail knew he was probably the one leading the current Horde as he reloads the Malfeasance and readies his aim shooting the drill like bullets into the Ogre.

He runs and rolls all over the Well dodging any attacks the Taken throw at him, only getting hit a few times by incoming eye beams and Thrall claws. A last magazine gets filled into the Malfeasance as he gives it a spin around his finger, hitting every single bullet into the Ogres eyes giving it the killing blow and the Taken slowly vanishing.

While Erail was fighting at the Well, Polaroid has arrived in the Dreaming City by now with her Jumpship. Polaroid quickly hopped off of her ship and raced towards the marked destination, not even paying attention to what was surrounding her. She tunnel visioned, only thinking and worrying for the guardian who sent the signal. By the time she had gotten to the location, she realized her whole right side was.... corrupted.

Oh no. Where is she? What happened? Are there... Taken here?! Where is the guardian? Is he down? She needed to get them out of here fast. She could feel the darkness spreading within her body, expanding quicker than ever before. She was losing control of her thoughts, but not of her body.

Her body was moving as if it was instinct, running towards the only place that had brightness and gun-firing sounds, all while shooting down all the taken that was going in the same direction.

There! A guardian! That must be the one that sent the signal! She didn't run any closer, instead, she stayed back and shot as much taken as she could. The left half of her body hurts like crazy, like something was throbbing in her head, and punching her straight in the face, that half saw redness in her eyes, but the other half -the taken half- felt absolutely fine, better than fine, even. She endured the pain, seeing how it was slowly fading as time goes by, and kept shooting until the last big ogre fell to the ground and disolved into thin air.

Polaroid panted, she dropped to her knees as her vision lost all it's color. She could heard her ghost speak, yelling something in panic, but she couldn't make out what she's saying. Every word was just a blurry sound ringing in her head.

"Help!" Daifuku called out to the only other guardian in the room, Erail. "My Guardian! I lost my Guardian!" he cried, like he was about to burst into tears. The pieces of his shell jittered, as a human's hand would if they were trembling with anxiety, fear and devastation.

Erail lowers his weapon as the last Ogre fell and the Taken vanished. Malfeasance was still resonating with energy, confusing Erail quiet a bit since the Ogre was defeated and no more Taken in sight and it only resonates like that with Taken near the weapon.

He hears a quiet voice behind him, the voice was familiar but he couldnt tell who it was just yet, he turned around looking for the person who called out as he sees only the small Ghost floating in the air "A Ghost? Hey what are you doing here bud-". He suddenly stops mid sentence as he sees the Taken figure on the ground not too far from Daifuku.

Erail quickly aims his weapon at the Figure as he wouldnt recognize it, only the Taken appereance it has."Quickly get away from there!" He pulls the trigger as the drill like bullet flies out of the barrel towards the figures left arm.

When the bullet hit, the creature screamed like a broken audio file of nails scratching a chalkboard. It was unbearable to listen to, but familiar at the same time. The corrupted being's head twitched and violently jerked as it turned it's sights towards Erail. It leaped backwards, and landed right on top of the beam that was located in the center of the Blind Well, creating distance.

It took only a few seconds for the arm to heal, and then it took out a dangerous weapon: Whisper of the Worm. The being, while in a croutching position, aimed the sniper rifle at the guardian's head.

Erail holds his helmet from the screeching sound making his ear bleed slightly from under the helmet. It was weird, for some reason it sounded kinda familiar to him but he doesnt know why. He shakes his head from the pain after the creature stopped only to see it ontop of the Well with the Whisper aimed at his head.

His eyes jump open as he realises its about to shoot and grabs Daifuku quickly before rolling into cover to hide from the creatures sight. A quick look down to the Ghost makes him realise it was Daifuku, Polaroids Ghost. "Daifuku? Why are you here? And where is Polaroid?" He was utterly confused but mostly had his mind on the creature right now.

A yell echoed at a distance, and then... silence. Erail stopped the conversation temporarily to check the Taken creature's position. He wasn't happy to find it close up to him with a blade. The Quickfang sword. Polaroid's favorite sword.

He dodges and jumped away, trying creating more distance, but when he realized the creature was pressuring in on him, he had to give it a punch to the face to knock it back. He then once again, ran for cover.

"M-My guardian..." Daifuku was still shaking with devastation.

"Keep yourself together Daifuku whats with Polaroid?" Erail grunts as he looks out of the cover again to find the creature only to quickly aim his Malfeasance at it and pulling the trigger to shoot a few bullets at it before quickly running out of cover towards the next.

He tries to create distance between him and the creature as he takes a deep breath to concentrate "Since when do Takens use Guardian weapons? ... Quickfang ... doesnt Polaroid ..." Suddenly a feeling of discomfort overwhelmed him as he looks at Daifuku with fear in his eyes "DAIFUKU TELL ME DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO POLAROID?!?!"

"She got corrupted! It's a long story! I- I'm sorry, I should've stopped her from coming!" The tiny ghost quivered as he spoke in Erail's arms.

It was only when the dots connected, did Erail see how the Taken creature resembles Polaroid's silhouette in every way. The bird beak, the hood, the long sleek cape...

Every time he pulled his distance from her, she'd pull out the Whisper of the Worm and attempt to aim it at them.

"Corrupted?" Erail was confused. He didnt exactly understand what Daifuku means by that as it suddenly clicks in his head. "Youre telling me that this ... Taken is Polaroid?"

He slightly looks out of his hiding spot to look at the Taken and takes a deep breath. Polaroid was taken, there was no mistaking it "Can we ... heal her somehow?"

"No- I mean- I-... I don't know... We never found a cure." The ghost stuttered. "This is why she never leaves the base."

The Taken was visibly getting frustrated with them hiding behind pillars and decided to rush in with her blade to slice them up. Erail was, again, forced to give her a punch to the face and run for another cover. The punch made Polaroid's head turn sharply to the left side with a loud cracking noise.

They peeked out of their cover just a tiny bit, and saw the Taken's hands on the head, trying to get the helmet off. As soon as the head piece was removed and thrown on the ground, the taken effects faded on that armor, revealing a huge crack that ran across it. Her face was now a complete blob of white with swirls of darkness on the side, flowing upwards from the tip of her hood. She was completely Taken, inside and out.

Erail grunts as he sighs and looks at Daifuku. He grabs his Malfeasance and spins it around his finger, loading up a new magazine of 15 bullets. "I know you wont like it Daifuku but I have no choice, I have to at least weaken her enough so she will stop rampaging" he takes a look at his Ghost Lilly and nods as he suddenly jumps out of cover.

He aims his weapon at the taken Polaroid and keeps shooting as he runs from cover to cover to make sure he wont get hit by a devestating bullet from the Whisperer.

A few of the bullets would hit Polaroid as they drill right into her, due to her body being Taken the bullets would drill even further inside then usually leaving a burning pain inside her.

As Erail reaches another hiding spot he quickly reloads his weapon once again before repeating the same process again and again running and rolling from cover to cover.

As the bullets kept coming, the energy was drained more and more from the Taken being's body. It started to get hard to hold up the heavy sniper rifle, and the healing wasn't fast enough.

Polaroid took out her blade, and with her last bit of strength, she flung the sharp weapon at Erail, aiming for his head.

Erail was in the middle of reloading as he saw the blade flying towards him. With a quick relfex he managed to dodge the blade just barely to prevent a mortal wound or even a death blow on his head. The blade missed his head but was now stuck in his left shoulder as he feels the warm blood flowing down his entire arm. He would feel a Taken energy resonating from the blade wich makes it impossible for Lilly to heal the wound until it healed on its own.

He takes out the blade from his shoulder and drops it on the floor, blood dripping down from it. He slowly stumples towards the Taken Polaroid with the Malfeasance constantly aimed at her head until he was standing right infront of her and the barrel of his weapon pressed against her forehead. "Nobody deserves to live like this Poli ... no matter what they did. I know the pain you're going through right now ... having to attack your friends against your will ... even trying to kill them ... I hope you can forgive me for this Poli ...".

His heart was heavy as his weapon was pressed against his friend's heas. His finger was at the trigger ready to shoot the last bullet to end Polaroids suffering.

"Aim true, Guardian." The Taken said on Polaroid's voice. A sign that she was still in there, fighting somehow.

"No, wait!" Daifuku said upon hearing his Guardian's voice, but it was too late. The trigger was pulled and the shot was fired. The Taken Polaroid dropped to her knees, headless. Her body collapsed on the floor. Silence followed, a quiet hum of the well filled the room.

"W-...Why did you do that?!" Daifuku then said. His voice cracked with sorrow. "She was still in there!" He had his face up to Erail's, angry out of the immense sadness he was feeling right now. "You know what?! Might as well kill me, too!" He then exclaimed, clearly emotional. He was losing it. His whole world was falling apart before his very eyes.

The ghost flew down and pressed himself against the gun's barrel, ready to leave this world and join his Guardian, wherever she may be now. "Do it!" He yelled at Erail. "I-... I can't live without my Guardian..." He said weakly, out of will to yell any more.

Erail grunts as the Ghost was infront of Malfeasance's barrel and lowers his weapon. "You have any idea how it feels to be ... consumed?" His voice was low and bitter with a bit of anger in it. "How it feels to attack your loved ones, your friends, hurting them and even killing them?" He was almost shouting as he throws away his helmet revealing a male face with short blond hair and two void filled purple eyes and a scar over the right eye

"This isnt how you want to live. She was in there yes and how do you think she felt?" Erail voice was getting lower again as he looks at Daifuku holding him up slighty with both his hands "And how do you think she would feel when she would know that her favourite Ghost ... her best friend just dies?"

Daifuku shook. The sound of shell pieces clacking against each other could be heard. He was speechless. If he had tears, they'd be flooding Erail's palm right now.

He looked down at the Taken corpse. For whatever reason, it didn't just desolve like how most Taken normally would. Polaroid was still headless on the floor, it was a heartbreaking sight. He looked away.

"I just-" Before he could say another word, another voice came from the entrance to the room.

"Hey!" Said a familiar voice to them both and in walked a familiar guardian: Head-71, the clan leader, who just so happens to be in this area. After he finished up his own business, whatever it was, he dropped by to see if help was still needed. Unlike Polaroid, he could tell if a request was an emergency or not, so he didn't rush it.

"I got your call, my dude! What's the situation?" Head-71 said with a rather chilled tone, waving his device up, further expressing his words. He couldn' tell what just happened or how serious everyone felt right now, since he wasn't close up enough to even see Polaroid's dead body on the ground.

Erail hears the familiar voice of his leader as he turns around to look at the familiar figure. It was the first time he had no helmet on infront of anyone else as the void purple eyes look towards Head-71 before looking down at Daifuku in his palm. He didnt really know what to say right now. He was still bitter and kind of devestated but wouldnt let it show towards his leader as he takes a deep breath closing his eyes.

"We got ... a Guardian down" was all Erail could have said he was still holding Daifuku in his palm before lookind down at the Taken corpse. "Polaroid she ... I ... I didnt have any other choice ... its my fault she came here ... I sent the back up signal" A feeling of guilt overcomes Erail as he looks at the headless Taken corpse with his purple eyes. He wasnt wrong, without him sending the signal Polaroid would have never come here.

He looks at the Malfeasance in his hand, the weapon he just killed one of his friends with "Nothing kills you faster ... than another Guardian" he says with a bitter voice before letting his hand just hang down without any reaction

Head-71 walked up to them, finally getting a good view of the corpse. He fell silent, and stared at the dead guardian as if he was staring at a distance. One could feel it, even without directly seeing the Exo's eyes, that the clan leader felt... a bit empty right now, like a part of his spark died along with Polaroid.

Erail never knew how close Head-71 was with Polaroid. All he knew was that they were already there and were already friends when he joined the clan. He can't help but try to imagine his sorrow.

Finally the Exo lifted his hand and gave Erail a light pat on the back. "You did well, soldier." He said, his voice broke as well. "It was.... uh... It was suppose to be my job." He then said. "It was-... Well, she told me that if she ever lose herself, that I should end her as quick as possible."

Head-71's hand kept abscent-mindedly patting Erail's back. "Thank-... Thank you... I'll... I'll let the others know." And by others, he usually mean Shoulders and Knees, since he and the other two where the 'big three' that runs the clan together. Them and Polaroid.

Erail grabs onto Heads shoulder as he looks at the helmet of his leader "What exactly ... was wrong with Polaroid?" He was still holding Daifuku in his palm. He kept a straight face no matter what happened right now even if it was clear that he felt sadness and a little bit empty.

"A Guardian cant just get ... Taken. There was something wrong with her I know it. Did she have ... some kind of corruption?" Erail's eyes looked straight into the Leaders helmet with his bright purple colour, like void light "That would explain a lot of things since I know exactly how it feels and what it can do ..."

"Yeah... yeah, something like that." Head-71 mumbled. He wanted to kneel down and touch Polaroid one last time, but he feared the corruption spreading in some way.

"She was uh..." He still sat down beside her. Just a few inches away from touching. "She was caught off guard one time, during some patrol mission on Io. Something happened. But no one knows what happened. Heck, she can't even remember what happened. But... Last thing she knew, something struck her head, and everything went dark. When she was ressurected, she had this scar on her head." He pointed at his own, to show the location of the scar. Not much people know of the scar, since Polaroid either doesn't come out or wears her helmet at all times in public.

"At first, we thought nothing of it. But then we realized that she... would act out around Taken beings. At first, she'd get aggressive, sometimes blindly rushing into battles. We through she was just bottling up stress or grudges from that incident on Io. We told her to calm down. And she'd listen. But uh.... she loses it whenever she gets close to them again. " Head-71 looked away for a few seconds. "Turns out..."

He sighed. "Turns out that... that scar still had some Taken corruption of some sort... rooted into her flesh. We couldn't take it out, and we realized it was spreading. We tried to look for cures of any kind, and at the same time, tried to keep it a secret. As you might've known, the Vanguard don't really... treat people like her and... you well." The Exo looked at Erail, seemingly expressing sympathy for the void guardian's condition.

"We didn't tell her to never leave the base. She did. She kept herself away from everyone to keep them safe." He sighed again. "And here we are." He hung his head low.

Erail sighs as he walks over to the place he threw his helmet away and puts it back on as now only the purple void light of the Graviton Forfeit can be seen. He takes a last look at the corpse of his friend and got confused a bit as he sees that the corpse is actually still there.

"Hey ... do Taken not usually just ... disappear when they die? I mean yes its Polaroid but shes still Taken and the corpse is just .... still there like this" He kneels down infront of the corpse and lets his hand move over the corpse, just slightly above it to not touch it just in case

"I mean everything is still there ... I expected the curroption to maybe just disappear when she dies or ... the whole body" he looks up at his leader being slightly confused about the corpse's condition.

"Some take more time than others... Usually it's the big ones that are slow to disolve." Head-71 said while he texted Shoulders on his device. There was an awkward silence between them while he typed. Erail didn't want to interrupt and break his chain of thought. And it was a good thing he didn't speak up. A few seconds later, a call came through.

The Exo picked up. Erail could only recognize that Shoulders was speaking to him. She sounded rushy, trying to force down as much info on Head-71 as she could. No surprise. Shoulders, out of the big three, was the one that experienced everything. Strikes, Missions, Patrols, Adventures, Public events, Crucible, Iron Banner, Gambit; heck, even the Forge. If there were any activities that were available, Shoulders would be the one that had experienced them all. Head-71 usually only hangs around the Crucible. Knees.... Well, she never even been to the Dreaming City before.

Erail listened and waited quietly beside the Exo. Most of what Head-71 was saying were just little noises to keep the conversation going. Daifuku was quiet, too. Perhaps because he saw the call as a sign of hope, but it might also be the fact that he had no hope left. But if anyone could find a way, it might just be Shoulders.

They could then hear Shoulder's familiar voice yelling in the distance with stomping noises, getting louder and louder. She only hung up as soon as she was in the room with all of them.

"Come now!" She said to them all, immediately taking charge. "We might be able to save her!" She asked the two men to pick up the body and take it outside while she fends off the enemies that they'll encounter on their way out.

Swiftly, each of them got to their ship and boarded. With the ships containing only one seat for the pilot, Polaroid's corpse had to be stuffed into her own ship and programmed to follow Shoulders' ship. They didn't blast off into space, but they did fast travel to an uncharted area of the Dreaming city, mostly because the Awoken people there didn't want Guardians snooping around in the area. Besides, there's nothing to be fought there.

"From what I gathered, the Techeuns have found a way to remove the Taken corrruption. Polaroid may still have a chance." Shoulders said to all of them through their ships' linked communication.

Erail perked up from what Shoulders said but was also conflicted about the situation. Even if it would be true and they can purge the corruption wasnt she ... dead?

"But does it even help now? We only have her corpse ... if we get rid of the corruption wouldnt she still be just ... dead?" Erail thought for some time as he follows the Ship of Shoulderd with his own ship. He had a few explanations in his head on how it could save her.

Maybe Daifuku could be Polaroid's Ghost again and ressurect her like before but then again even Cayde couldnt be revived later on by other Ghosts so he wasnt sure if it works like that, if it would, would she still have her memories?

Erail grunts slightly in anger over the communication as he just kept following shoulders "But even so its the least we can do for her and purge this corruption" He still couldnt think straight, he was still slightly in shock about what happened in the Blind Well as he looks at his weapon. If Polaroid could be safed ... could she forgive him for what he did without even considering other options?

"Polaroid's corpse didn't dissolve, right?" Shoulders said, answering a question with another question, though she didn't wait for a response from any of them. "That means that her ghost is still connected to her somehow. If we can get rid of the corrpution, she can be revived."

"Really?!" Daifuku said through the comm link, finally sounding hopeful.

"Worth a shot, tiny strawberry." Shoulders responded.

They then landed at their destination. Nothing too out of the ordinary, whatever ordinary is for the Dreaming City. Most of them weren't allowed in, only Shoulders and Daikufu. It only took them around 3 minutes, and only Shoulders came back out.

"They said it'll take a week or so. Hopefully less than that. Her corruption was surprisingly shallow, so it shouldn't be a hard task. It just needs time. Daifuku will be staying with her." The Warlock then pointed to the head of the clan. "Head-71, you're in charge of bringing her back then."

"Gotcha!" The Exo saluted.

Erail was mostly staying in the background leaning against a nearby wall with his arms crossed over his chest. He was still feeling extremly guilty, not only did he make Polaroid come here but he also was the one who 'killed' her.

He takes a look at Lilly and sighs as he stands up straight fixing his black cloak. He doesnt know how it will be after Polaroid gets revived but hes happy that it will end well for her.

"At least one good news today" He says with a low voice and turns around. He didnt want to face any of his leaders right now as Lilly brings Erails ship around "Ill see you guys later in the city" Was his last words before he transmats into his ship again and flying off towards the EDZ, his place to think, shortly after the other 2 Guardians return to the Tower and let the events of this day sink in.

[thefloatingstone]

A weeked at a hotel is quiet and alone.

A long walk or a going to a movie that starts after dark helps.

A four hour or longer bath where you sit in the water helps. Even if it doesnt helps it helps. And you smell good at the end of it which is nice even when you lack appreciation for nice things currently.

Do new things - feeling trapped or in a rut or the need to escape can be alleviated by feeling like youre making some sort of progress or have control over something in your life.

Sleeping more doesn’t help. Sleeping less doesnt help. Both are enough of a change/ strain on your body that they make you think they are but really they just increase problems and make the days pass quicker or slower.

Make goals. Meet goals. Cant get to goals make smaller goals to get there.

Focus on the things you can do and help and control and if you can’t do anything about it aknowledge it and let it go.

Hydrate. Youre not doing it enough, no one is.

Eat regularly, just like you should sleep regularly and for 9 hours - your body and therefore your mind functions better on a schedual.

It may not help but i can garrentee you not doing these things makes it harder than it needs to be.

Can also play games or read or watch shows until it passes, if it passes but thats just a… Temporary solution not an actual fix action.

But sometimes you don’t need a fix action you need a distraction to be immersed in and thats okay.

Get someone to talk to. Professionally.

Friends and family can help but we’re all not really great at healthy coping - and we know what works for us or what we’ve learned but we can’t always give you personalized tips that will help YOU get through your dips.

Clean/ reorganize your room - this just makes you feels self satisfied if youre lucky and if you arent well theres a little less mess and your mind feels less cluttered if you make even a little progress. Your environment can add to the strain.

Open a window idk why fresh air helps.

Candle with a scent you like - light it. Pet fire keeps you company.

Bake. Idk why but it helps, doesnt matter what youre making but if it makes a mess for you to clean up while you wait for it to be done its a win.

Plus baked goods are nice to have and eat or give away which makes you happy… Especially since half the time you dont feel the need to eat whatever youve baked.

Blast music. Loudly. Especially dark depressing shit or especially lively rebelling shit.

Or just play classical piano in the background because it helps…. Filter. Which is nice.

It gets better. Even if it turns out to be something youll struggle with it gets better because youll learn to manage it and it can’t take away the good even if it tells you it can.

Youve survived every horrible thing thats happened to you. Youll get through this too keep that in mind.

Also watch what youre telling yourself. Something as simple as telling yourself not “i can’t deal with this -emotional pain/situation - ” but “i dont want to deal with this” can in time make it easier to get past it because youre not bogged down in trying to… Reject how you feel.

Youre allowed to feel this way. Like. You may not want to but. You do so youve got to accept it on some level in order to beable to get past rejecting reality and figure out how best to approach it.

Emotions arent unreasonable. Like. Logically you’ll say they are but youre not depressed or whatever for no reason. Either theres something effecting you or your brain chemistry is off either way there is no “i shouldnt feel this way”

So like. Really dont talk down to yourself. Or if you do at least try to tack on something like “alright try again” or idk something positive or at least foward thinking.

And remeber you’re not alone.

Reach out. Message people. Sit on silent calls and share dead air with others. You may ache like a raw nerve or feel left out or ignored or a hundred other things but just. Attempting to be apart of your friends life or just hearing another person can do a world of difference. If not… In the moment than later it def gives you something to build on.

And youre not… A bother. Youre not… Responsible for making decisions about other peoples emotional wellbeing. Theyve got to tell you ‘hey i dont/ cant talk about this right now lets just bs about whatever instead". You need help or a distraction or anything ask the people you care about.

Youre not alone and isolating… Usually makes things worse.

Like alone time can help but isolatings a different ballgame entirely and youll know which youre doing.

Hell just posting on here and asking for tips is great and Im proud of you.

Sorry if that or any of this sounds condescending - im just. Summarizing shit ive learned and tried and had to talk myself into because i really thought my mental health was bullshit and i shouldnt need help with basic things.

But people do. Like. We’re not made to fuction the way we do and we’re not taught a lot of really simple things and how they effect us or the difference between coping healthly and not.

… Fuctioning can only get you so far so long, you’ve got to actually take care of yourself you know? I mean dont beat yourself up because taking care of yourself doesn’t line up with what you think that should mean is all.

Sorry to bug and do hope you get to feeling better soon.

This is an incredibly in-depth and helpful message. Thank you so very very much for taking the time to write it out for me. I’m posting this to prevent it from getting buried

Also, again, I want to thank everyone for sending me responses and messages about this. I’m sorry I’m not replying to all of them individually, but I am reading all of them <3 a lot of you are saying the same things like taking a walk or doing some light exercise, drinking water (I haven’t been doing that enough today) and things like that. As I said, I can’t do exercise tonight since it’s late, but I’ll try and take a walk tomorrow if the weather is good. And I’ll try and get some water in me.

I’m afraid talking to someone professional isn’t really possible right now, but hearing I can just go once makes me feel a little better. I’ve never realised I don’t have to try and afford an ongoing therapy thing. I can’t do it right now, but I’ll see if I can figure something out at some point in a few months if I can.

But thank you again for your help, guys. And although I feel bad for asking... but I’d really appreciate if you guys could continue to give it. Not because I want instant gratification or anything, but just because I don’t have much support elsewhere, and I want to get past this.

and thank you for being patient with me. I’m trying, I really am.