#i put a lot a lot a lot of thought into the text. as u can see.

[mr-urple]

phenomenon i've noticed about my speech

[kamil-a]

feature on the all new seraphimagent 8 operating system, december 2056

wips:

[ryllen]

[puppppppppy]

i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you

[becauseplot]

i feel i should preface this with saying that this relationship analysis "takes place" before qcellbit's emotional exhaustion and motivation crash---

---but i have been having SUCH crazy thoughts abt the archivists (qcellbit n qphilza). guy who needs evidence of Everything 🤝 guy who takes pictures of and hoards Everything. two-cars-passing-each-other meme whenever cellbit (practically nocturnal at this point) makes a late-night run to the Ordo to grab some notes he left there and bumps into phil (trouble sleeping ever since the birdhouse incident) who's sitting in one of the evidence rooms organizing a new backpack of photos to hand over to cellbit.

"oh. hey phil." "hi mate."

their conversations and interactions center mostly around cellbit's investigations---the ones cellbit lets the public know about, anyway---and whatever new info phil managed to scoop up since the last time they saw each other. theories are exchanged, and photos are passed between them as easily as pleasantries. "how're you doing?" "oh, doin' alright, doin' alright. you?" "eh. busy, you know?"

they don't talk about much else.

see, they both understand secrets. intimately. things you did you would much rather leave behind you, if you can, or thoughts, worries, doubts you would much rather keep to yourself for fear of speaking them into existence. sealed lips; a tight lid. they look at each other and know they're only seeing what the other wants them to see, but that's okay. they get it. sometimes, it's just easier to focus on what is directly in front of you. what you can see, what you can touch; what you know is true, what you know is real.

what you can do.

so cellbit generates and bounces his theories off of phil, and phil is more than happy to be a sounding board. phil fills up a backpack with photographs, and cellbit is more than happy to take it off his hands. they focus on The Work, on the spiderweb of red string and loose ends and grainy pictures and scrawled notes pinned to the wall, madness-incarnate sprawled out before them. they trust each other's judgement, and they trust each other's skills, and they trust each other, and neither asks too many questions. they both appreciate it.

[averlym]

ghostwriter (their grandma would tell them she'd lose half her soul)

[giantkillerjack]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

[shiikiyun]

Futa Kajiyama and Remorse

by someone that would hit him in the head if they had the chance

The discussion over whether Futa's shown remorse over his actions is genuine or not is something that has existed for years at this point, and it'll probably always be a debate. Just thought I'd give my personal take on it.

Starting off by saying that it is very ironic that a huge part of the discussion on his character and crime is how genuine he is when he admits fault, considering his case is entirely related to social media, almost like how when public figures online mess up and everyone else picks apart their apologies and rate the sincerity of them (not saying it's a bad thing, influencers will explode before handing a good apology, i just thought it was funny to point out). That aside, let me actually talk about him.

First, what did he do? In short, he began a witch-hunt campaign and doxxed a middle-schooler over a claim with no basis that said kid tried to reason with him over and he ignored, (pressumably) pushing her to suicide. Fucked up. Very understandable unforgiven veredict in the first trial, since his denial of his actions was so strong, he had it coming for sure.

Now, his feelings around his crime. It's said a lot that he doesn't feel sorry for his victim, that he only feels anxious and "guilty" because he's facing consequences and he's scared of dying, so he'll do anything to avoid that (so; admit fault, even if he doesn't believe he was wrong). And he is stubborn, so it's not crazy to see it that way, but—

Does he really not care?

From the way I see it, Futa is telling the truth when he says he never intended her to die. Personally, I would "should've thought about it twice then?" 'd him if I could, but I can't in good faith call him disingenuous for saying he didn't want it to end that way.

People don't take their actions on social media seriously. This happens all the time. People will say they most cruel things to strangers over minimal disagreements, and they don't consider it to be that damaging because "it's just social media". Futa is no different than that.

He got a power trip from the praise he received after he called out a teacher for sexual harrassment (which is obviously an actually fair reason to dunk on someone), took it too far over something mundane, and it actually had real life consequences on an innocent person. And he knows this. He's always known. The very moment he realizes what he did is when he's horrified of himself and is visibly shocked— He didn't want this. But he did it, and now there's blood on his hands.

To call that reaction disingenuous, or relate those feelings solely to the fact that he's facing consequences now, is completely ignoring that it happens before he's aware about receiving backlash from his friends.

That's where his anxiety comes from. He's always known he fucked up awfully. When ES insists on him being a murderer, what makes him stutter and show fear is that same word. He's a murderer, and he can't cope with that, but he knows what he did no matter how much he denies it. From the very beginning all Futa has been is a coward; unable to accept that his actions killed someone until he gets some sense literally beat up on him.

Now, this is where I drift onto something even more people might disagree with, but personally I think it's intentional. The representation of his victim, in both MVs.

Because Futa saw no difference between her and other people him and his friendgroup judged, firstly, she's shown as a videogame monster. Her silhouette changes to a more human-like one when he realizes she died, but that's about it. It shows more of his attempt at dettaching from what he did, refusing to see things for what they are.

But then Backdraft came and totally changed that.

I have to bring up the other 2 monsters to make my point clearer. Like I said, in Jihen Joutou, Futa pictures all of his targets as monsters. In Backdraft, the first 2 remain the same style, but Killcheroy changes.

isn't she adorable, by the way?

Unlike the other two, she's a completely different art style. Cartoony, cute, childish. Because Futa finally got to a point where he can't separate his actions from himself anymore, and had to recognize to have played part in her death, we see his victim for what she is—

A middle schooler.

Of course, her straight up appearing would've been enough to convey that, but the addition of making her character different (innocent, friendly, harmless) further shows how Futa does recognize that he hurt a child that ultimately wasn't doing anything wrong.

And, lastly, and this is entirely personal and where even More people might not agree: I just don't he's lying. I don't think he's trying to manipulate anyone into thinking he feels remorse just to get relief. I believe him when he says he knows what he did was wrong and he regrets doing it, that he wouldn't do it again. And I also understand (and agree) when he says ES, and us by extent, are doing the same.

People in the fandom like to act like he's crazy in the head (hyperbole) for saying that, that he is entirely saying it to guilt ES into forgiving him, and it honestly exhausts me. So like, hey, I'm not Futa, I'm part of the audience and I've voted. So let me say it: We are in fact the same.

He is not wrong in believing it. The MILGRAM system only abuses people under the excuse of giving justice and punishment to those that deserve it regardless of the degree of their crime— And I'm not talking about Kotoko. The psychological torture all 10 of these people are going through is not fair, not on the most forgivable one, nor the least. It is just an abusive system. This system killed people, some of which were teenagers, for having a troubled life. How is that any different from him?

Now I just said we are the same for the dramatism— Of course we are not the same on the basis that we are not actually hurting real people, but like, this fictional character doesn't have a conscience. By MILGRAM canon we really are just a bunch of people getting entertainment from 10 troubled people getting tortured. And as for ES, them continuing to partake on their role when they saw the extreme consequences it has just because they were told to do it is... Yeah, can you really blame any of the prisoners for thinking the guard is also in the wrong?

Ultimately, to conclude: I don't think Futa feels no remorse, nor do I think he only feels bad because he got consequences for it, and I don't understand this point of view. He's shown distress over his actions before backlash came his way, and right now he's at a point where he can't ignore that he fucked up and he will admit to it just fine. He is just simultaneously (and rightfully) upset that a fucked up system that does the same if not worse is the one that gets to decide whether he should be forgiven or not, because in all honesty, none of the prisoners deserve to be judged by MILGRAM.

Aaanyhow, that is it for me. I wrote this in a delirious state from sickness so I hope it's readable and coherent. Peace

Note: i know its implied es attempted to stop the trials and it didnt work, i dont think theyre evil and entirely on a power trip... please dont misunderstand the bit i talk abt es as me saying theyre evil and entirely on a power trip thank you

[james-spooky]

this is a test

[vancalox]

personally i hope they leave solas' romantic history as vague as possible mostly bc i genuinely dont think its relevant or neccesary at all and it just adds another layer of mess to a situation thats already messy enough as it is. but if they do go down that route i am desperately hoping they just reaffirm him being a canonically terrible boyfriend who's never held a stable relationship longer for like. idk. 20 years at best lol. i think that would do WONDERS for his character actually

[lapdogchase]

i really dont understand studying at all like genuinely i don't know what it is . i know about "taking notes" and "reading the textbook" and that's it . quizlet doesn't do shit for me because i don't know what to. do. with the cards. look at them ? am i supposed to just look at them . No one bothered teaching me actual skills bc i got good grades when i was 8 and now i am so hopelessly lost . why did no one think to teach me this for when stuff got harder than four plus three

[coolspacequips]

Here's something crazy... Still haven't watched Bridgerton s3, but seeing everyone fawn over the kanthony cameos, and then now having moved on to just fawning over iconic kanthony scenes apparently in response to it, has got me like sdkfa;sdfkadsk ABOUT TO REWATCH S2.....!!! AGAIN....!!!!

I saw the Dancing On My Own first dance scene on my timeline like 3x today and I'm foaming at the mouth, have been thinking about them all day LMAO

[cowdragons]

5 am time 2 post my sloppy doodles of my beloved weirdgirl from bg3

[tillman]

gahh . im still thinking about stuff.

[crossbackpoke-check]

what are ur thoughts on the winners room trope?

ooooo okay surface level analysis: i like winner’s room fics :)

etwas tieferes: i think it’s cool that it’s (afaik) unique to hockey fandom and i enjoy the way it integrates a lot of unspoken rules in hockey with desire/makes them a physical/tangible reality… also the narrative potentials/world-building it opens up can be fun because there’s not really a set of rules for the “winner’s room” trope. are there in-universe rules? who gets chosen? who’s exempt? who gets to pick? where’s it going down? is it the entire room or one guy? what if your (ex)boyfriend is on another team? does somebody need to be taught a lesson or do you need to remind someone who got traded you still love them? also, most important, winner’s room gives you the chance to put two random-ass guys you saw interact for 0.002 seconds and went “hmmm. interesting” about into a Situation and i love that

[mariska]

last post i just reblogged reminded me i never remembered to post these silly lil photos i took on here...ever since i had to quickly get a new phone from my other one's (rip iphone 6s and my beautiful beloved Standard Analog Headphone Plug....we had a good run old friend...........) screen literally bubbling up like it was going to actually explode from internal heating if i kept using it i now have a super cool high quality camera lens situation that i hope to be able to use for my various diy art projects and stuff but its still been less than a month since i've has this model phone and its the first like. modern within two years or so high tech camera i have ever owned in my life and i grew up in the pre-phone camera era of handheld digital cameras for broke aspiring photographers so its been very exciting for me to test things out and look at settings (i can allegedly take photos & videos in literal 4k HD with this camera lens system according to the quality options in the system settings which is. absolutely mind boggling to me in a good way i cant believe i have a camera in any format that has the potential to capture things to that extent!!!)

anyways all of that to say that i'm obviously very out of touch with how any of this modern high tech high resolution works as of now, but i picked this version of this phone model specifically because it gives me a lot of opportunities to hopefully have more personal, accessible control over visual photo/video art and editing and filming etc etc but since i haven't had a chance to really learn how to utilize everything the way i want to yet, i've been having fun taking 'portrait mode' photos in the meantime just to try and get the hang of one feature at a time, and a week or two ago when i had my Weekly Day Outside Of My Home For Therapy Appointment, one of my moms and i decided to take a drive just for the heck of it to get some air and see the world.

all of this. again. to say. here are some portraits i took of my beloved soft fluffy chicken bag (his name is Lestat de Poultrycourt 😌) while sitting in the passenger seat and cracking up with one of my moms over how hard i was trying to pose him in a way that did not show my hands like a muppet operator. i am 99% sure at least one of these pics will end up being used by me as an album cover for a song at some point in the future so look forward to that. fjshdhsgshsgshsvsh