#i promise that reading this will give you brain damage

[actual-changeling]

if you do not follow/haven't seen my recent posts, i really recommend you read this one and this one before continuing, just to make it hit the right way.

also reminder that i have an ao3 right here (and it's not all pain, promise!)

sorry in advance :)

-

the more time passes, the easier it is for joel to talk about sarah. it still hurts, always will, an old bullet buried in his heart surrounded by scar tissue, but except for a few memories, words don't make him bleed anymore. tommy tentatively starts bringing her up once he notices that joel no longer flinches when he mentions her name, and it feels good to breathe life into their shared experiences, his brother the only one who comes close to understanding his pain but also the joy that colored their years.

ellie asks, too, just as hesitantly as tommy at first, but soon her curiosity takes over and not a day passes by without a question in-between sentences about his past. joel answers all of them, stories spilling from his lips and spinning themselves into a sarah-shaped web that he can share with her.

"she played soccer, right? when did she win her first competition?"

there's a few sports teams in jackson, and of course the soccer one caught her eye, making joel dread all the twisted ankles and bruised shins he was going to have to tend to. getting grass stains out of sarah's uniforms had always been a task and a half, and eventually they both stopped caring about it and just watched them pile up, turning white fabric a greenish-brown.

joel opens his mouth, the coffee cup in his hand hovering above the kitchen table, and then he stills, every muscle in his body turning to ice.

ellie's joel? is drowned out by the ringing in his hears, knuckles turning white and gripping the porcelain so tightly he can feel it crack in his palm, and he must have stopped breathing because his vision is growing fuzzy, black dots scurrying in his periphery.

joel lets the cup fall more than he sets it down, stomach turning, bile rising in his throat, because ellie asked him a question about sarah, his sarah, and he doesn't remember the answer.

it can't be, right? just a small gap in his memory, nothing big, it'll come back to him in an hour and he'll tell ellie about it later. but the panic squeezing his chest is real, terror slithering up his neck and curling around his ear whispering what else did you forget?

more than ever before, he tries to think back to all of it, from the first time he held her in his arms to the moment he buried her, and something odd happens to him when he finds that so much of it is. blurry. frayed at the edges, burned holes and white blotches obscuring important and unimportant details alike, memory an old role of film decomposing in the back of his mind.

the color of her baby blanket (blue, it had to be blue, he can't see), the first movie he watched with her, her favorite book in primary school, the way he did her hair on the first day of kindergarten, the friendship bracelets they made together, the posters on her wall, the dress she wore to her first dance (purple right? right?), memories surfacing as his panic cracks him open like an earthquake, and joel tries to cling to them, nails scratching at the parts that should be there but aren't until he tastes blood, desperation growing and growing because he is forgetting her.

"joel you're scaring the fuck out of me right now what's wrong?"

ellie's voice is distant, and he hates worrying her, hates the almost hysteric edge beneath it when she repeats herself, hands squeezing his shoulders, softly, first, then harder when he doesn't respond. all of the years that he didn't even know she existed, memories she has that he never will, all the firsts and buts and what ifs and failures that define a childhood, their innocent light fractured into vivid fantasies by the stained glass window of life. he has had all that and more with sarah, clung to it in the after to remind himself that she is real, that he is still a father even with his daughter buried by a nameless river.

it is all he has left of her, the childhood she never got to outgrow, and it's fading in a mind that has mourned her for longer than she got exist.

not for the first time, joel wishes he hadn't flinched, his brain worthless if it allowed sarah to fade away. without ellie bound to his heart, he would have tempted fate again for that alone.

-

"who hurt you" too many people to count and luckily tumblr lets me make it everyones problem

[sitepathos]

I've been thinking about a what if for gold and mold

It's pretty simple

Let's say one of the Batfam was chasing killer croc and they come across reader and they managed to save his life

So reader begins to get clingy with them, but not in a sweet "were family again" no, reader is very traumatized and uses them to remind himself he is still alive.

So he's not hugging them, he's clasping their forearm with enough strength to leave a mark, because he wants to make sure he can still move his hands.

And he talks to them, but not about their day or something like that

Reader is asking then simple trivia/math equation, to make sure that he can still have a conversation,

So while the rest of the family is jealous of the time they spend with reader, the member in either is horrified or tries to take advantage of the situation (depending on which member the scenario is for, I decided to keep it in n general)

What do you think? Is it interesting?

A very interesting idea! Hope you don’t mind if I add onto it a little! In this scenario, you were still shot, but were rendered in a brain damaged state and the Batfamily picks up the pieces. And because you weren’t thrown into the cavern by the thugs, you don’t meet the Megamycete. (Note: this will provide insight into the Bats for future chapters. Read at your own risk.)

The Bats had been looking for the Joker, but instead found Killer Croc and gave chase, following him to Gotham Woods.

He forced his way into an old cabin and as they approached it, heard a gunshot, forcing them to surround it and enter from all directions.

They didn’t know what they expecting, but seeing you, lying on the floor with blood pooling around you and surrounded by three thugs and Killer Croc.

The sight of you, his baby boy, spread out on the dirty floor of this disgusting cabin, dying, fills him with a rage, one that burns brighter than his rage for Joe Chill.

In a flash, he takes all three thugs down, leaving Croc for the rest of his children while he carries you out of the cabin and rushes you to the Batcave, already telling Leslie Tompkins to be there with her med kit.

When the others return to the Cave, they see him looking over the doctor’ shoulder as works diligently to bring you back from the brink of death.

As she works, Bruce calls Alfred and inform of what happened, causing the butler to tear into him from the other side of the world.

When Alfred yells at him for not being a good father and ignoring you for years, guilt lands on all of them like a sumo wrestler.

When they look at one another, asking when was the last time any of them talked to you, they realize that they knew less than nothing about a brother that’s been living with them for years.

They sit around the cave in silence for hours, drowning in their collective guilt and promising that if you make it through this, things would be different

They’d give all the love and attention you could handle and more, including you in their post-patrol meals, taking you out on the town, and spoiling you rotten.

They’re only brought out of this state when the doctor exits the surgical suite and tells them that she managed to stabilize you and extract the bullet from your brain, which made the relax.

But when she said that you were brain damaged, stuck inside your mind, only able to speak phrases from your memories, they all felt the world around them collapse.

They made plans to make up for their years of neglect and beg for your forgiveness, and now, they can never atone for their sins.

Dr. Tompkins provides a few places they can admit you to, ensuring you’d be given the utmost care, but Bruce declines it immediately.

“He’s a part of our family and we’ll care for him,” he vows.

He has you moved to a bedroom on their side of the manor, an empty one next to his, to be precise, moving all your belongings and buying anything he thinks you’d like in hopes that some part of you would feel at home.

They all move back to the manor to care for you and abide by a schedule that took them hours to decide on.

Alfred is the first one to enter your room everyday, placing your breakfast in your feeding tube and helping you use the bathroom and change your clothes.

He insists on doing this, no matter how much the others beg to take his place, because he feels ashamed that he failed in his responsibility to you.

He knew that the family didn’t pay you the attention you deserved and thanks to his lapse in judgement, you’re reduced to a shell of your former self.

He’s resigned to doing this for the rest of his life, hoping to make amends.

Bruce always comes just after he finishes, sitting next to your bed, talking to you about anything he can think of, hoping that somehow, it would get you out of this state.

It doesn’t, of course, but he always listens when you mutter about whatever your mind allows you to say.

He notices that you tend to talk to him about your Momma more than the others and he feels like even more of a failure.

Truth be told, he didn’t remember your Momma, at least not until he looked her up.

She was an up and coming writer he had met at some fancy party, they both had a little too much to drink and that’s how you came to be.

When he looks back at how he treated you when you first came to live with him, he wants to go back in time and beat the living shit out of himself.

You lost your Momma, were forced to leave your home, and all you wanted was your father to make you feel like you weren’t alone.

He wasn’t man enough to do the bare minimum.

He lets his tears fall while he wipes yours as you say, “Momma’s in heaven?”

“Yeah she is, baby,” he whispers. “But don’t worry, Daddy’s here.”

Dick pulls out all he stops for his big brother act.

He comes in, taking over for Bruce or standing in when he has to leave.

“Hey, baby bird,” he exclaims every time he enters. “How’s my favorite little brother doing today?”

He always uses his time stretching your limbs to prevent atrophy and shows off his acrobatic skills, hoping it would impress you.

By the time he’s done, Alfred delivers your lunch, which he places in your feeding tube.

He wishes you were able to chew solid food because he totally would spoon feed you.

Jason comes in and out of all of them, he feels the most guilt about how he treated you.

He’s harped on Bruce for forgetting all about him for years, not knowing that he’s done the same to you.

And the memory of him giving you that black eye makes him want to tear himself apart as penance.

“You really drew the short straw when they were giving out families, huh, kid,” he jokes.

He spends most of his time reading his favorite books to you and telling you trivia about them and their authors.

He spends the remaining time crying, his head pressed against your body, begging for your forgiveness.

He totally kills those three thugs when Bruce isn’t look, hoping that act of revenge makes up for his behavior is some way.

Tim comes in after him, pretending not to notice the tear stains on Jason’s face or how red his eyes look.

He goes back to how you two first met, thinking about how he could’ve done things differently. How he should’ve said something.

He knows what it’s like to be ignored by your family, god knows he wasn’t his parents’ favorite child and they only had him.

He uses his time to play your video games, either on the giant tv in front of your bed or siting next to you on the bed, the brand new laptop he bought for you between the two of you.

He 100% your games, getting every achievement possible and even buys new games he thinks you’d enjoy.

He listens to everything you say, committing it to memory and answering back no matter what it is.

“Fear the Old Blood.”

“Bloodborne,” he answers. “That’s a tough one. But you seem like a guy that appreciates a challenge.”

When he discovers the beginnings of your game and the book you wrote all your ideas for it, he devotes all his free time to bringing it to reality, personally developing it and following your book to the letter and when it’s released, everyone knows it was made in your honor.

Steph comes in with Cass since neither of them have the courage to come in alone, ashamed of how they treated you.

Steph spends the entire time talking, filling the room with talk to drown out the awkward silence.

She goes on about anything and everything, from her visit to the coffee shop to her nightly escapades.

“I swear, Kite Man is obsessed with me! I think he wants to be my nemesis and I keep telling him it’s not gonna happen!”

Cass just sits there, not even able to look at you due to the weight of her guilt.

Bruce had taught her how to live in a family and she couldn’t show you the love she shows the others.

Damian is after them, followed closely by Titus and Alfred the Cat.

“Good evening, brother,” he says, hoping for a response, but knowing you’ll never be able to answer back again.

During his time with the League of Assassins, he was taught that one can never redeem themselves after failure and so it must be avoided at all costs.

He thought himself above the rest of his siblings, worth of being the heir to both the Demon and Bat. That he was the very definition of perfect

Seeing your frail body, lying there, doomed to live out the rest of your days stuck inside your own mind?

He knows he’s imperfect in every possible way.

When you first met, he was threatened by you as he was led to believe he was Father’s only blood son, the one who would inherit everything both Bruce Wayne and the Batman possessed.

He knew you weren’t a threat, his trained eye telling him you couldn’t defend yourself against Drake, let alone a real threat, but he just had to go and attack you what his sword to assert his dominance and place in the family’s hierarchy.

He could’ve just ignored you like the others, but no, he had to go and actively make your life more difficult, insulting you at every chance and sending his animals to attack you.

And when Pennyworth told him the pen he stole from you was your late Mother’s?

For the first time in years, he actually sheds a tear.

He spends his time either in your room, his loyal pets on either side of you while he draws you in his sketchbook or paints a complete portrait of you to be mounted in the living room.

Sometimes, he paints scenes of you two together, some of them have you standing next to each other while others have you playing some game.

He wishes you two could do this, but for now, these portraits will do.

Other times, he places you in a wheelchair and pushes you through the gardens (he fought tooth and nail for that privilege), telling you tidbits about the birds you see or the flowers you pass by.

Everyday, he wishes that you’d come out of this vegetative state so you two could walk together, but until that day comes, he’ll take up this responsibility without complaint.

By the time his time’s done, Alfred serves you your dinner and that’s when they leave to patrol Gotham, each of them hugging and kissing you.

And when they get back, Bruce carries you down to the dining room so you can be a part of their feast and watch movies with them.

They failed you before, but they won’t do it again. All of them will repeat this, day after day. Year after year.

They just wish you could talk back so they can make their apologies properly.

[gay-dorito-dust]

hi hiii its my first time ever asking anyone idk how this works ( ;｀Д´)

i rlly love your writing, i often find myself staying up late reading through your blogs!! funny bcs u were the one who got me into jason todd (ФωФ)

anyways!!! i was hoping you could pls pls pls pls plssssss write smth about Jason Todd who has a lover thats a sleep-deprived uni student having a hell week and jason is like "bitch put google docs down and get some sleep, ur ass has been awake for 48 hours" all worried and wanting them to rest and reader is like "correction, 50 hours."

i hope it makes sense (´ 3｀)

tyyyyy!!! woopee woopee

Sorry this took so long to get to anon, I hope you liked it either way. And don’t stay up too late reading fics but I truly appreciate you reading my stuff, I’m glad you like them 🦦🐿️

A week.

An entire week Jason had noticed you have been forcing yourself to stay up at the dead of night, glued to your laptop all the while chugging energy drinks and cups of coffee as though they were going out of style, and for what? An assignment that determined your future at uni should you not get straight marks.

Jason thought it ridiculous that you made yourself sleep deprived over this but he knew that if he didn’t do anything about it, then you’ll continue this habit until you were well out of university, struggling to come to terms that you had well and truly burnt yourself out before you could properly start living.

So when Jason couldn’t fell you next to him in bed one night, like you promised him you would, and groaned as he got himself out of bed before making his way towards the kitchen where he’d knew you’d be.

‘What time do you call this?’ Jason asked when he saw you in your usual spot at the kitchen counter, hunched over your laptop with a thin blanket frapped over your shoulders and a can of energy drink on one side of the laptop and a cup of coffee on the other side. He hated what this stupid university has made you do just in order to get good grades, it was harmful, damaging and it would inevitably lead to health complications later on in life; If he could Jason would more then gladly march down there and threaten the professors to stop shoving a boatload of work onto their students, but firstly he has to get you away from that damn laptop and learn how to take a fucking break.

‘Mid-afternoon?’ You asked, not looking up from the bright screen of your laptop, where the words scrawled across it in an incoherent mess for your overworked brain to comprehend.

‘It’s actually 3:30 in the morning.’ Jason replied unamused as he crossed his arms over his chest and you winced when you saw that he was indeed right about it being three thirty in the morning. ‘Don’t you think it’s time that you shut the laptop off and get some sleep?’

‘But I-‘

‘Actually sleep.’ Jason cuts you off as you slumped back into your chair, unable to come up with a decent enough response to defend yourself with because deep down you knew Jason was right, you’ve hadn’t had a decent sleep in a long while and it was definitely taking it’s toll with how lightheaded you’ve become as of late.

You sighed and ran your hands down your face. ‘Jason I can’t, I’ve got-‘

‘An assignment to complete for tomorrow I know.’ Jason cuts you off again as he crossed the room to put his hand over the top of your coffee cup upon noticing that you were intending to take another drink from it. ‘But I look at you and can tell you can barely keep your eyes open for more than five minutes.’ He adds and upon your silence, he puts the cup aside as far as he could before doing the same with the half empty energy drink, and then finally shutting the laptop close despite your weak protests for him not to.

‘No, Jason my assignment, I need to finish it.’ You told him with slow, sluggish movements as you tried to pry his hand off of your laptop, all the while biting back a yawn. ‘Just give me five more minutes please and I’ll come to bed, promise.’

Jason had enough of this habit of sleepless nights, it ends now, the professors will have to understand and extend the due date for your sake as he remembered how often you had harped on about how important this assignment was for your overall grade; However Jason didn’t take neglecting your bodily needs lightly and would prioritise that over anything else,you could hate him all you wanted but he was only looking out for you and your wellbeing.

‘Sorry chipmunk but I can’t watch you do this to yourself for any longer than I already have.’ Was all Jason said as he then lifted you out of your chair suddenly causing you to yelp in surprise and cling onto him for dear life, now being more awake then you ever have been five minutes ago, as he then proceeded to carry you back towards the bedroom before unceremoniously dropping you onto the bed.

‘Jason, I seriously needed to get that assignment-‘

‘We are going to sleep, end of discussion.’ Jason said with finality as he crawled under the covers and quickly held you against his chest as tightly as he could, rubbing his hands up and down your back soothingly. ‘I know how important this assignment was for you sweetheart but I’d much rather have you well rested, clear minded and healthy than to ever to have you pass out in my arms from exhaustion. I want my baby happy and healthy and you are neither of those things right now.’ Jason whispers into your ear, kissing the side of your head a couple of times before resting his forehead against yours so that he was looking into your weary half lidded eyes.

‘Look at you, you can barely keep your eyes open.’ He spoke with worry laced in his words.

‘You’re really warm and comfy jay birdie.’ You murmured, feeling the need for sleep grow ever stronger the longer you stayed in his arms as it fogged your mind.

‘I know, so please we can talk to the professor in the morning and sort something out, but until then no more late nights understand?’ Jason said firmly as he held you a little tighter, he just wanted you to get a decent nights sleep and be looked after properly but all these late nights weren’t cutting it and were making your situation worse, how were you meant to get anything done when you were half out of it due to overworking and lack of a sleep schedule? Were the professors at your university thinking they were teaching robots instead of humans with breaking limits?

‘Okay I understand, I love you.’ You replied sleepily as you burrowed your head into his neck, falling asleep in record time as Jason stayed awake a little longer as to make sure you were properly asleep before following suit, watching over you in the dream realm as he did the waking one.

[quintessenceofdust88]

perfect (it's not all it's cracked up to be)

Hello everyone! I promised you guys that the sequel for this prompt would be up by the weekend, right? Turns out I only sorta lied cause it's still Monday hehe. I hope you enjoy it!

You can read it on AO3 if you'd prefer! ❤️

When Tommy wakes up, it’s like his body is on fire and freezing at the same time; half of his body feels numb, and the other half is hurting like never before. Huh, maybe his father had a point and all queer freaks end up in hell. Then again, considering one of his last deeds on Earth was walking out on sunshine itself, maybe it’s not about his queerness after all; it’s about Tommy himself. 

He hears a heart monitor at his side, and that gives him pause; he doesn’t think the afterlife bothers with medical devices, so… So maybe he’s alive? If only opening his eyes didn’t feel like it would hurt so much, Tommy could try and find out (not that he knows what hell looks like; it could be like a hospital room, for all he knows). He tries it anyway, letting out a grunt as it, indeed, hurts like a bitch. 

“Oh my God, you’re awake!” A voice says to his right side, and yeah, now Tommy’s pretty sure he’s not in hell. Evan Buckley doesn’t belong in hell, not even as part of Tommy’s eternal torture. 

As his vision clears, Tommy sees Evan is on a chair by his side, and he looks… Rough. There’s stubble covering his cheeks and dark circles under his eyes. He’s looking at Tommy with despair clearly written in his permanently wet eyes, as if he’s afraid Tommy will disappear if he looks away. And to Tommy, it’s still instinct to comfort Evan, to try and find something to say that’ll make him feel better.

“You found your present” He says dumbly, his eyes not leaving the burgundy hoodie that’s so beautifully wrapped around Evan’s frame, making him look as cozy and adorable as Tommy expected. And, well. It might not have been the smartest thing to say, but he supposes there’s a lot of morphine going through his body right now. 

“Well, yeah, after you told my sister where it was as your helicopter crashed? After you wished me Merry Christmas and Happy New Year as your parting words?! It wasn’t so difficult” He answers with a somewhat hysterical chuckle. “What the hell, Tommy?! You’re too much of a coward to actually let yourself be loved and see a future with me, but not to send a farewell message to me through dispatch?! You’re unbelievable!”

“Buck…” He starts, but it’s clear he won’t get to say anything this time. For one, his brain is still working a little too slow to translate thoughts into words. Evan seems to notice it, and lets out a defeated sigh. 

“We… We’ll talk later, ok? Let’s get a doctor to check on you first. Sorry, that should have been the first thing I did” He says grumpily, and presses the button by Tommy’s bed. 

From them on, it’s a flutter of doctors and nurses, and Tommy learns the extent of the damage: a broken femur, at least five crushed ribs and a small concussion, not to mention the thousand bruises that turned his whole left side black and blue; he hasn’t looked at a mirror yet, but it can’t be pretty. 

“Yeah, well, you should’ve seen the other guy, doc” He attempts to joke, and Evan’s scoff and the doctor’s exasperated look make it clear it wasn’t his best attempt. “So, let’s talk business, doc. Will I fly again?” Tommy asks, because that’s the question that matters the most. 

He realizes with a treacherous skip to his heart that Evan looks as interested in the answer as Tommy himself. During the whole time the doctor is talking to him about treatments and physical therapy and his perspective to get back to work, he stays by his side, nodding attentively at everything the doctor says (as if he’ll be involved in your treatment, a hopeful part of his brain that should have quieted down weeks ago supplies, and Tommy does his best not to listen to it, because it’ll hurt so bad when it’s not the case). 

When the doctor makes it clear that Tommy will not go back to the air for at least six months, Evan squeezes his hand and gives him a look of solidarity that goes a long way to make it not feel like the end of the world. And when the nurse comes to up Tommy’s dosage of morphine and redress his wounds, he doesn’t let go of his hand. Tommy wants to say something, anything, but he’s received a lot of information and the morphine running through his veins makes it difficult to put his thoughts into words. But he doesn’t want to fall asleep; he doesn’t want to let Evan go. 

“Sleep, Tommy” Evan tells him in a firm tone. “I’ll be here when you wake up. Then we’ll talk”

It sounds too good to be true; Tommy refuses to believe it. Evan would have every right to leave him to fend for himself; he wouldn’t blame him in the slightest. He closes his eyes, fully expecting to find an empty room when he wakes up.

But contrary to all expectations, when Tommy opens his eyes again, feeling slightly more like a person and less like a shapeless bruise, is to find Evan in the same chair, only with the black hoodie this time, and a cup of coffee in his hand. 

He’s impossibly handsome in black, Tommy thinks dazedly, taking advantage of the fact Evan’s looking down at his phone to take a good look at him. There are dark circles under his eyes, and Tommy wonders if he’s been home at all. 

His heart does another one of those treacherous leaps, and Tommy is having a hard time keeping the hope from bubbling in his chest. Because if this man saw Tommy at his worst, physically and (especially) emotionally, and was willing to stay this long by his side, who’s to say he won’t stay longer? He was willing to; Tommy was the one who fled, thinking it was about the excitement of a new relationship, but staying by his side after a helicopter crash is something entirely different. Who’s to say he won’t just… stay?

Tommy has to be brave; hell, he’s been brave before, on that glorious night where he took a leap of faith and placed a kiss to the man who had maimed his best friend for Tommy’s attention. Evan had been brave, if a little misguided, when he invited Tommy to move in with him. He owes him some bravery right now. If nothing else, he owes him some honesty after everything.

“You were right” He blurts out, and Evan looks up from his phone, staring at him with widened blue eyes. 

“H-hey, you’re up! Do… Do you need anything? I can call the nurse…” He trails off when Tommy’s hand, the one which is less covered in scrapes and bruises, reaches out to lightly touch his.

“I just need you to listen to me. You… you were right, Evan. I was a coward. I am a coward. I… I don’t know how to be loved. I never was” He admits it, and hates himself for choking up as he says it. This isn’t a pity party; he’s just stating a fact: the sky is blue, alcohol is flammable, Thomas Kinard was never loved. He hates how it makes Evan’s whole demeanor soften, because Tommy doesn’t deserve it. 

“Then let me love you” Evan whispers, taking Tommy’s hand in both of his. “Let me teach you how it feels. It’s… It’s not like I’m an expert at it, ok? I… I haven’t always been loved either. But… but I love you. You broke my fucking heart, Tommy, and I still love you. Do… do you love me?”

“With all of my heart” Tommy whispers back, and he can’t keep a tear from running down his face. Hell, he almost died, he’s allowed to be emotional. “T-that’s why I had to leave, Evan. If… If you didn’t love me back… If you found out I wasn’t perfect…”

“I know you’re not perfect, Tommy. But guess what? I love you anyway, you idiot” He says, pressing a kiss to Tommy’s forehead, another to the tip of his nose, and a very tender one to his lips. “You… You always wanted me to see you as perfect. You barely let me in all the time we were together. But I saw it anyway, Tommy, and I still wanted you. I still want you”

“I… I was so afraid of being hurt that I didn’t think I’d be hurting you” Tommy admits with a sigh. “A-actually I didn’t think you’d be hurt. I… I thought you’d be okay. I’m sorry, Evan”

“Well, I wasn’t okay. Just ask all of my friends and the thousand loaves of bread in their pantries” He says with a chuckle, and then looks Tommy deeply in the eyes. “Next time, talk to me instead of doing a dramatic exit. And don’t wait till you almost die to let me know where my Christmas presents are”

Tommy chuckles, and squeezes Evan’s hand. He wishes he could sit up and kiss him within an inch of his life, but it  sounds a little out of his physical abilities right now. He’ll content himself, with a peck on the lips before Evan sits back down, still holding Tommy’s hand in his. 

“I promise Christmas will be perfect” He says, and Evan shakes his head.

“I don’t need perfect, Tommy. I just need you”

–

And Christmas is not perfect. Tommy’s still mostly on bed rest and his leg’s still in a cast. Buck’s staying at his place for now to help him around, but they decided to leave any serious conversations about moving in to after New Year’s. They haven’t really decorated (Tommy was too depressed to bother, and Buck didn’t really have the time between his shifts and taking care of Tommy) and their plans for the day mostly consist in staying in bed and alternating between cheesy rom-coms and documentaries. 

It’s not perfect. They are not perfect. But they’re together, and Tommy finds himself thanking any deity out there for his accident. That it brought Evan back to him, and more importantly, him back to Evan. 

Buck’s wearing his new burgundy hoodie, and he gives Tommy the airplane model that he stubbornly kept in the hood of the Jeep all this time. They assemble it together, and it’s not the best, because Tommy’s hands are still a little sore and Buck’s not very good at the whole arts and crafts thing, but Tommy puts in his nightstand with adoration anyway. 

And if there’s no tree, no Christmas dinner, no cheesy sweaters, well. They can always make up for it next Christmas.

--

Tag list: (let me know if you’d like to be removed or if I missed anyone! Also if you'd rather only be tagged on Little Blobs' verse, also let me know! ♥)

@bidisasterevankinard @unhingedangstaddict @silversky9 @music-is-the-voice-of-the-soul @asmugfirefighter  @rubydaiquiri @racerchix21 @actuallyitsellie  

[the-winter-spider]

But Daddy I Love Him | B.Barnes

Word Count: 3k

Pairings: Bucky barnes x reader

Warnings: Abuse, swearing, angst

A/N: This is an older fic i had, that really was going nowhere decided to start working on it and here we are! Not edited or proof read.

Masterlist

—

1940s

You were anxiously waiting on his front steps, your right knee bouncing up and down, while your shaking fingers were fidgeting with the hem of your dress. You knew the boys would be back anytime soon from whatever double date they were on, because Bucky promised you that no matter what he would be home at 9pm sharp for you and every night since then he has been, but tonight he was cutting it close.

You pushed up your sleeve and looked down at your watch. It was 9:52pm, he was late. You let out a loud sigh, you stood up and brushed your dress off because god forbid if you went home and your father saw dirt on your silk dress he would know exactly where you went and you were so afraid he would raise his hand to you again, taking one final glance at your watch you knew he wasn't coming. You couldn't blame him either because you’ve never needed him before so he probably just thought being a little late wouldn’t do any damage. You placed your clutch down beside you, placing your head between your hands letting the tears flow thinking of the events that happened just 30 minutes before.

—

Flashback

“You will marry him!” Your father shouted at you slamming his fist down into his desk in the study.

You clenched your fists your nails digging into your skin, you could feel the nails breaking the skin on the palm of your hand, your heart was thumping so loud you almost didn’t here the words come out of your mouth, you’ve said them in your bathroom in front of the mirror so many times you almost didn’t believe this was real till you felt your father's open hand hit right cheek, his rings slicing open skin, your head went sharply to the left, your grasped your cheek out of instinct.

“What did you say?” He was standing directly in front of you, it felt like some old movie western showdown. He was challenging you.

You took a big breath turning your head to face him, looking him in the eyes “No Father, I will not be marrying him, I will not be marrying a man I am not in love with! I don’t love him!”

Your father scoffed, stomping back over to his desk“Yeah what do you know about love?” Taking a drink out of his whisky.

“More than you” You whispered

He turned to face you, whisky in hand “Let me guess you are in love with that poor, scumbag of a man, no, a boy who lived across town?” He paused, waiting for a response, he laughed when you didn’t give one, of course he was right, he always was. “You will NEVER have a life with him, you will live on the streets if you marry that boy!”

Tears were welling in your eyes “At least I will be loved!”

“He doesn’t even love you! Or he wouldn’t be out with a different girl every night, you do not think i know? You think because I am an old man I do not keep tabs on my only daughter?” He finished what was left of his whiskey, his eyes dark. When he was drunk he was always so malicious, you were waiting for another punch to the gut, not literally, now that was out of pocket, even for your Father nowadays “I see him y’know, around town, always out dancing with some pretty girl, a new one every week, never you though. You’re a Stark for christ sake, you have brains i know you do, so why don’t you fucking use them? He doesn’t love you! You WILL marry William's son and that's final!” your father grabbed his empty whisky glass throwing it directly at the wall beside your head just missing you, as it shattered beside you. You ran out of his study grabbing your clutch on the way out. As you were about to leave you heard your father shout “If you leave you never come back you hear, you ungrateful brat!”

—

Wiping your tears away you started walking in the opposite direction of Bucky and Steve's apartment. Tears were already streaming down your bruising cheek, tonight was the worst your father ever hit you. He wasn’t always like that, honestly he wasn’t at all till you turned of age. It got especially worse when your older brother was starting to live up to your last name and while you were never expected to be anything more than someone's arm candy, your father held the standards of whomever you were to marry so high, and your taste was never good enough according to him. So the fights broke out almost weekly, you would go on the dates him and your mother would aet you up on but he would lose it on you when they never would go past a second or third date because well as the men would put it you were “rude” “off putting” “gorgeous but with a mouth on her” “Not wife material” and your Father started to have enough of it, he would scream, throw things, grip your wrists, or shoulders a little too tight and recently his ringed hand would find your cheek. You just couldn't understand why he didn't want you to marry for love, why he didn't want someone who loved you has your husband not just rich asshole who was marrying you for your looks, your families money or more importantly because of your last name, Stark

As you were walking away, not knowing where you were going because surely your father would still be up and you couldn’t deal with that right now. With him apologising, saying he was sorry but he had lost his temper, that it wouldn’t happen again, not like this. That you could talk about it more in the morning when things have calmed down, which you wouldn’t because he would come home from work and tell you all about someone at works son or brother whom were single and looking for a wife and you would smile, nod go on the dates and well it was a cycle you were over. This time was the last straw.

You decided to walk, you had no idea where to because well you had nowhere to go but it beat sitting around waiting for someone who might not show up at all. Maybe you were just being bitter because you knew Bucky and if he knew you were sitting on his front step, even if you were okay and nothing was wrong he’d be there in a heartbeat. But what your Father said to you was starting to itch, you tried not to scratch it but you couldn’t help it because even though you hated to admit it sometimes he was a genius.

You couldn’t help but wonder why he never tried to make a move, you gave him so many opportunities, and by all means you made it so obvious it's what you wanted and that it was okay to do so.

—

Flashback

“Where's Steve?” You leaned slightly to the right to look behind Bucky for any sign of your best friend.

“He’s not feeling well, decided to sit this one out” Bucky shrugged his shoulder, his arm reaching out to grab your hand, intertwining it with yours.

You knew Steve was prone to getting sick, it happened a lot but each time it happened you still couldn’t help but feel bad Steve didn’t deserve all the shit he got put through “Maybe we should go get some of that soup he loves and we could go get …”

Bucky cut you off with his laugh, smiling lightly, squeezing your hand reassuringly. He knew your concern and care for Steve, always tending to his health and well-being. But, at the moment, Bucky had other plans in mind.

He leaned in closer, his eyes sparkling with mischief, and whispered in your ear. "You know, I was thinking. Since Steve's not here, maybe we can take advantage of the opportunity to have some fun just for ourselves."

When you got stiff and didn't reply he spoke again, a cheeky smile playing across his lips as he tried to persuade you to set aside your worries for Steve's well-being. "Listen, doll, Steve's a tough fella. I'm sure he'll manage just fine on his own.”

You sighed leaning into him, slightly bumping your shoulder with his “I guess you're right Buck, i just worry about him y'know. But it would be nice to spend time together, just us two, I don't remember the last time we did…”

He let go of your hand, throwing his arms up “Eureka!” He shouted “That's the spirit” He flung his arm around your shoulder

You laughed at his dramatica, swinging your arm around his waist “Okay Buck” You grinned looking up at him “So where to first?”

Bucky chuckled at your question, a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. He was glad you agreed to spend some time together without Steve. He wouldn’t tell you that maybe Steve being sick was a tiny fib. Steve himself told Bucky to tell you in hopes that some alone time with you would make Bucky finally tell you how he felt.

"Well, doll, the worlds at our fingertips. Maybe we could check out some of those fancy new technologies? Or we could just wander around and see where the night takes us."

You slightly rolled your eyes, you loved that Bucky was so into all the new technologies your big brother, Howard came up with but it was something you already knew like the back of your hand and you didn't want to waste your night alone with Bucky, the very few you got i might add, talking about how amazing your brother was, it was something you already heard enough about at home.

“Am I not good enough to take dancing like all your other dames?” You smirked “I don't remember the last time i went dancing Buck” A slight whine to your voice

He smiled looking down at you “Well sweetheart if we do that then i'll never be able to dance with any other girl again”

You laughed, you had been in love with Bucky for years and these little moments where he flirted with you filled your heart with such joy, made it grow two sizes too big but the despair always lingered in the pit of your stomach knowing he did the same with every other girl but they also got to kiss those beautiful lips, you shook the feeling away “Why's that you flirt?”

Bucky smiled fondly looking down at you “Because none of them could ever come even close to having you in my arms, i'll never be the same after twirling you around the dance floor, they don't compare doll, id never be able to find another dance partner good enough” He paused “So i'm afraid if i take you dancing tonight, you’ll be my only dance partner for the rest of my life, if that's okay with you”

“As sweet as that statement was, i can't see you ever only having one dance partner for the rest of your life, let alone little old me”

His brows furrowed, he hated when you belittle yourself “You being the only dance partner for the rest of my life would be my greatest accomplishment doll”

—

All three of you knew, especially Steve how you and Bucky truly felt about each other but he never said anything because he knew just as well as you two did that you could never be together, your father simply wouldn't allow it, Bucky didn't come from money like you, therefore it wasnt allowed, so you both pushed those feelings as far down as possibly, Bucky handled his by smothering them in other women and you well swept it under the rug like your dearest mother had taught you, both your feelings for Bucky and your pain each time he got back from a date with another women.

“y/n?” A soft voice broke you out of your thoughts, you never realized how far you made it till you took in your surroundings, you were at some random park on the other side of town.

“Stevie? What are you doing here?” You sniffled trying your best to hide your face.

“Well y’know, the dame Bucky set me up with wasn’t interested so i left, Bucky told me to wait here but that was, i don't know how long ago” He scratched the back of his head

“Its 10:19pm if that helps” You offered a small smile. You could see the look on Steve's face when he registered that Bucky was late late “y/n, I-“

“Its fine Steve really, it was bound to happen at some point”

“So uh, where were you off to, this isn’t exactly your side of town, you should be careful”

“I should be careful huh? Who was the one who’s butt i saved last week” you slightly shoved his shoulder and giggled and that's when the smile was completely wiped off your face, Steve's face hardened and was laced with anger and concern, you dropped your face, he saw it, you knew he would eventually but you still felt ashamed and insecure “y/n?” Steve said softly and took a step towards you and you took a step back, Steve looked hurt but stopped moving “Did your Father do this to you? I thought you said he stopped?”

“He did, for a little while, things were okay” You shrugged “It's really nothing, I should get going”

“y/n!” Steve said again a little louder, he gently grabbed your arms to stop you from leaving. You froze when he touched you, and looked up at him. The light on the sidewalk was just enough to show him the full extent of the damage and it broke his heart to see you so defeated.

“Nothing?! You have a black eye and your cheek is swollen, your lip is split, that is not nothing!” Steve shouted and for someone so small his voice was loud and stern, it made you flinch, His face softened when he watched you “Y/n, i didn't mean to yell, but you can't go back”

A single tear rolled down your check “I have to, my marriage is already arranged and it's not like he's giving me a reason to —“ You were cut off by that voice, the voice of the man you were so desperately in love with the voice of the man you wanted to be with more than anything, you so desperately wanted to run into his arms and stay there forever, but they weren’t yours.

“Steve you will never believe the night I just had this dame she was something spec…” He froze when he noticed you, his eyes trying to adjust to the darkness “Doll? What are you doing all the way out here?”

His smile turned into a frown when he got a good look at your face, it was obvious what had happened. Bucky slowly took a few steps closer to you, trying to make sure to give you plenty of space because he could tell that you were already on edge.

"Doll, who did this to you?" He asked gently, his eyes slowly roaming over the marks on your skin.

You tool a step back, flinching away from Bucky Your head hung low “I have to go” you said barely above a whisper

Bucky's frown deepened as he watched you take a few more steps back. He wanted to reach out and grab you, pull you into his arms, and never let you go, but he knew that would only make things worse.

"No, you don't" he said firmly, taking a step closer to you. "You aren't going back to your house”

The tears you just finished wiping clean were now streaming freshly down your face again “I have nowhere else to go Buck, I have no one else!” You sadly shouted

Bucky's heart ached when he saw the tears streaming down your face. He closed the distance between you in three large strides and pulled you tightly against him, his arms wrapping around you in a firm but gentle embrace.

"You have me, doll. You will always have me" he said as he gently stroked your hair, trying to soothe you

“Do i?” You whispered your bitter heartache coming to the surface as you pushed him away “Because it feels like every other girls in Brooklyn has you but me”

Bucky froze, his heart clenching at your words. He couldn't deny that he had been with other girls, no, he couldn't deny that every night, he had been out dancing and laughing with another dame on his arm. The look of pain on your face made him hate himself even more for his behaviour. "You do have me y/n, you gotta know that please, id leave them all behind for you."

You scoffed “Well you sure could have fooled me!”

Bucky's heart broke as you spoke. He knew he had messed up, he had gone out and had all these flings hoping that maybe one of these girls would make him forget just how in love with you he is. But they didn't, all it did was hurt you, the one person he never wanted to hurt, and he hated himself for it.

"Doll, please. I—" he cut himself off, he didn't know what to say that would be enough to undo the pain he had caused.

“Just forget it Buck” You wiped your last tear flinching when you grazed your cut from your fathers wedding ring.

You started to walk away before turning around, your voice breaking “Please don't follow me”

Bucky's heart dropped as you turned your back to him and started walking away. Every fibre of his being wanted to go after you, to pull you back into his arms and never let you go, but he knew that you needed space.

He stood there watching as you walked further and further away, his heart aching and his mind racing, he could barely find the words to speak as you told him to stay there. For once in his life Bucky was speechless, frozen.

[lilacxquartz]

part 9 of 19 of kinktober: brain riding

kenjaku’s brain x reader

plot: kenjaku would like to try something a bit different with you — themes: oral sex, brain riding, gender neutral pronouns for kenjaku, f!reader, coercion, potentially body horror — a/n: if the idea weirds you out, this is your warning to click out, otherwise read on <3 — w.c: 800ish

kinktober masterlist • main masterlist • ao3

“Come on, I promise it’ll be fun,” Kenjaku teased, dragging your fingertips along their still freshly sutured incision, “it’ll be unlike anything like you’ve ever experienced before.”

You stammered in slight uncertainty, narrowing your eyes into a concerned stare; studying the liquid that trickled out of their partially undone form. “I-I don’t know, this might be too weird… even for me.”

Kenjaku could only smile as they pulled you back down over their body, urging you to straddle over their frame. They didn’t want to pretend with you anymore—at least not since you last saw their technique and surviving form—so this was simply… the next big step forward.

“Trust me,” they coaxed, lowering their voice into a breathy whisper, “I promise it’ll be fun. If you’re that scared, you can sit a little lower over my vessel’s face and we can work our way up.”

You could only blink as your mind paled at the thought, still struggling to imagine just how this could possibly go. Admittedly, this was something that you had never once anticipated before and yet here you were, giving into the impossible.

“Alright, just… just give me a moment, okay?” you replied in a strained tone in an attempt to calm yourself down.

They simply stared up at you as you straddled over their stomach, their arrogant grin slowly widening with each passing second.

“Do I just… hover over the brain, or?” you asked in a resigned tone.

They tilted their head back in anticipation. “I’ll tell you when, how’s that?”

A whole flurry of troubling thoughts swept through your mind the more you tried to talk yourself into carrying the act through. For one, you felt suddenly… insecure? What could the view for them even be from that sort of angle? Given that your thought process could be easily reflected on your expression, they pulled you down ever so slightly by tugging at your wrists to at least, reassure you.

“Don’t worry about it too much,” they murmured, trying to pad you forward on your knees, “I can promise you that my eyes will be closed if that’s what’s bothering you,” they lied, wanting nothing more than to revel in the view.

You tilted your head in half disbelief, not quite believing them. “R-really?”

They hummed with a confirming nod, finally getting you to hover right where they wanted. With a quick pull, they cast aside the skull cap for now, propping it over to the bedside table before shooting their tongue up towards your clit, hoping to steal a taste while you were still adjusting.

A slight yelp escaped your lips as the rest of your body tingled in a pleasurable shudder; your legs settled parallel over the soft, fleshy mass felt almost softly foreign when compared to any other area of flesh. The tissue was alarmingly supple and left you feeling a little afraid for them.

“A-and you’re sure that this doesn’t hurt you?” you asked in a somewhat innocent tone, genuinely concerned for their safety.

They lightheartedly laughed in response to you, their tone of voice adopting a nonchalant edge, “Well, it might mess up my vision a little but don’t worry, I can fix all of that later. Besides, my brain is firmer than the average person’s, so you’re not damaging a single thing.”

Kenjaku technically meant that first part in a joking manner, but they partially regretted their jab a second later, knowing that you wouldn’t take it in the way they hoped and would very likely hesitate to let yourself go fully.

To counter this, they attempted to pull you down a little closer; their brain tongue greedily lapping up wherever it could feel, the rest of the rosy matter slightly pulsating as it did so as the subtle movements almost caused them to tremble.

Continuing, they licked at your folds whenever you slipped up and tried to steady yourself. Your clit was the primary focus, but your lacking confidence was something that they’d have to train you out of in the future; which was already pre-planned in their mind. Working with what they could, they flicked at your skin’s swollen peak, pushing you towards a quickly building climax. Perhaps it was both the fear and the arousal and the unknown; all three things combined to overwhelm you into a heated mess.

In a way, it was surely frustrating due to the host’s body responding with want and need, pooling tingling pleasure in between their legs. They couldn’t stop now however—not when you were so close—so instead their tongue zigzagged at an almost hurried rate, sending rising shocks of shuddering bliss through your body, forcing you to eventually coil and flood in a seeping release that trickled into their cerebral lips.

As you finally stilled your grinding process, you sat back over their chest and then rolled over to your back, your body involuntarily flinching slightly at the cap they used to secure back over their brain.

“I’m never letting you live this down by the way,” they teased, already planning the next moment they’d do this with you again (and again and again.)

And to your surprise (not that you’d admit it to them), you didn’t feel completely opposed to the idea.

~~~

related art piece

[schoenpepper]

Our Love is God (Heathers the Musical)

Intro: He worships you.

Warnings: bad writing, awful grammar, not proofread, death, gore, blood, yandere

A/N: Jade jade jade jade my love my baby boy mwahhhh cutie pie. A little different than the other songfics, kinda short.

Masterlist

They made you cry, but that will end tonight

Human blood is a deep, crimson red. It smells like rusted metal…tastes like it too. When Jade brings his hand to his lips, his mind is clouded with thoughts of you. Would you enjoy the taste too? The sensation? His tongue darts out to lick the droplet of maroon, the remnants of your tormentors.

He thinks you would enjoy it as much as he does.

The color stains white roses the most stunning red.

You are the only thing that's right about this broken world

You were saved by them?

You didn’t need saving, darling.

With Ramshackle gone that time, he would have been all too happy to recommend his own room for you to stay in. He’d heard of the saying that royals bleed blue, but that’s simply untrue. Royals bleed the exact same hue. There’s amusement when he rhymes in his mind, humming a happy tune as he exits the premises. It seems the wild animals ought to have better senses, lest they don’t realize when they’re being hunted.

We'll burn it down and then, we'll build the world again

Jade is a lot of things, but he’s no hypocrite. He’d promised himself to kill all those who vied for your attention, after all. All’s fair in love, war, and business.

They called it a love-addled rampage.

But he’s never felt such clarity before. They must be liars.

You are his only truth.

Our love is God

Quick. He needed to make it quick. Unforeseen. If they put up a fight, the other will be desperate to protect—hah. There is no use protecting a corpse.

Morale is down. It’s easier to strike. So he does.

Gold clatters to the ground, caked by dust and organs.

There is the aftertaste of sand and sadness.

You're not alone

The hunter is dangerous. It’s quite lucky he’d gotten rid of him much earlier, lest his pilgrimage end up with unwanted surprises. On the chessboard, the rest of the white pieces are already off the board. The queen remains. A pawn is standing guard.

He makes a move.

The pawn falls.

The queen is unaware of the danger. Another move. There’s not much left to do, cornered on the board. And eventually, it falls too. Anticlimactic, but not quite unexpected. He’d planned for too long for all of his plans to fail at this time.

And when the morning comes

It’s surprisingly easy to dismantle a robot.

Especially one that saw him as no threat.

Technology is very convenient really, cameras fall apart with just one swing of a metal rod. Your friends, there’s just too many of them. Isn’t he so kind, so benevolent, so gracious, for culling the herd? Jade’s the only one you need. Jade is the only one you love.

Jade will be the only one left soon enough.

We'll burn away that tear, and raise our city here

At a critical juncture, it all falls apart. In any case, he’d never expected to take on one of the most powerful mages in the world and win. He’s shackled and bound while they assess how far the damages of his love had gone. They say it’s gone too far, but he believes he hasn’t gone nearly far enough yet. No. You deserve more, don’t you?

You plead with your friend to give you some space. You want to talk to Jade? Alone?

Even now, you’re just the sweetest.

You chose to be left alone in a room with a chained predator.

(Are you unaware the predator can still bite?)

Our love is God

“Why…why did you kill them all?”

“I did it for you, my love.”

You’re looking at him strangely. He doesn’t like it; he can’t read your expressions, your movements.

We can start and finish wars

They’re turning him in to the authorities. That’s fine.

Even far away, locked in a cell, he will always think of you. Dream of you.

You are the parasite implanted into his brain, a creature that ate up his internal organs and replaced them all with images of yourself. You are an alien, one that chose to burrow itself into him and turn his blood into nothing but pure desire for you and everything that you represent.

We're what killed the dinosaurs

You visit him in the dead of night.

How did he never know you could pick locks?

The fae were careless, the door wasn’t enchanted by any sort of magic. You came back to his side, why? Do you despise him, detest him, for murdering all the people you hold dear in blood as cold as the ice floes in his home? Don’t look at him with hatred.

Don’t get too close.

(The predator has always had its sights set on you.)

We're the asteroid that's overdue

“Jade…”

He could think of so many things you could say to him.

Each and every one would be like knives digging themselves into his flesh. Darling, do be gentle with him, would you? He’s only bled because of his love for you. It’s a hideous thing that he keeps alive, just for you. Don’t deny him.

The new world needed room for me and you

“Can you run?”

That is…certainly not what he expected you to say.

“Not with these cuffs, I’m afraid.”

“Oh, right. Turn around.”

I worship you

You would set him free?

Maybe you’re just as crazy as he is.

Deft fingers work with a bent hair pin to unlock the chains. He’s really lucky he wasn’t restrained by magic, you would have had no way of undoing those.

I'd trade my life for yours

You give him back his magic pen and pull him to run back to the Hall of Mirrors.

Our love is God

He relishes the feeling of your hand in his.

Our love is God

“Not that I don’t enjoy the midnight rendezvous, but where exactly are we going?”

“Home. Where you’re not wanted by the mage police.”

“And how do we get there?”

“Like how I got here. The Dark Mirror.”

Our love is God

Have you always known how to return to your old world…?

Our love is God

Green lightning strikes in the distance. The two of you are running out of time.

We can start and finish wars

As marvelous as dying with you would be, he enjoys the thought of escaping with you more. He can still run, but you’re beginning to lag behind. He scoops you up into his arms and keeps running.

We're what killed the dinosaurs

The hall is close. He can see its vague silhouette in the distance.

We're the asteroid that's overdue

In a puff of green smoke, you’re taken from him.

They'll die because we say they must

They think he’d kidnapped you. He doesn’t speak up to clarify the misunderstanding. It would be better for you to be the victim.

I worship you

You struggle and jump with him into the mirror anyway.

I'd trade my life for yours

He watches as you break the mirror with the closest thing you can throw at it. 

“I…I got you back. Here. I didn’t think…” you break out into a sudden laugh, and he’s frozen in place when you wrap your arms around him. Is this a cause worthy of celebration? He doesn’t quite understand. But you’re in his embrace and he would be damned if he let you go.

We'll make them disappear

“This is your house?”

“Mmh, it’s just me. It’s fine though. With you here, I won’t be lonely anymore.”

We'll plant our garden here

The first night, he woke up next to you and found a nearby mirror shining with green light. He tossed a sheet over it and broke it when daylight came, telling you it needed to be replaced.

You never questioned his words.

Our love is God

He fits right in this magicless world. There is no competition here. No one is worthy of your gaze. It calms him down.

Our love is God

The next time a mirror glows, he breaks it immediately.

Our love is God

The souls are still haunting him.

Our love is God

The faes are still looking for a way to him.

Our love is God

All of it fades when he’s right next to you.

Our love is God

There is nothing Jade won’t do to love you.

[thatshadowcomic]

Shadow didn't have amnesia.

He had dissociative fugue caused by a traumatic experience.

I never felt like brain damage would make sense, because shadow can heal anything. Its more likely his body changed to avoid further suffering/try to adapt.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

(DF is a complicated disorder, hopefully no one takes this as an insult to your experience, but you're welcome to give me pointers to better showcase it in my comic if you want? He will mainly be dealing with the after effects related to depression, ptsd and general unrest, something I understand much more than DF.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A breakdown:

-Shadow had DF after the ARK and that's why it was so easy to "trigger phrase" him into wanted to destroy the world.

-GUN wanted shadow to be super soldier/mind controlled/ sleeper agent, but of course Gerald didnt. (this is so meta given the time frame.)

-"bring hope to humanity" was his deactivation phrase (sonic battle).

-50 yrs later he's not remotely bothered by his past and is locked in to his new role... A role Gerald gave him during his initial fugue.

-But when he nears the final battle, Gerald inadvertently causes shadow to snap out of it and remember the real promise: Bring hope to humanity.

-His memories compounded with his current destructive behavior likely caused a secondary dissociative fugue or just reverted him back to that state. Maybe he just had a small glimpse?.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Shadow the hedgehog" game

-Those with dissociative fugue often impulsively wonder and travel away from home, experiencing confusion and a lost sense of self, often creating new identities.

-"Shadow the hedgehog" was a game that explores this and many endings are simply against his morals and values... because he doesnt have any. "Who am I" is very complicated and he's trying to remember his standards again.

-Doom's manipulation and twisting of his memories may have actually helped him regain them as they traveled around, which ends up being Doom's downfall.

-Over time it's possible to recover memories in bits and pieces or completely, by visiting places or discussing ones past. The trigger are partly random and often therapy is needed to find causes.

it's often followed by ptsd, depression or anger, either from the therapy finding the cause or simply the concept of forgetting everyone or feeling disconnected.

--------------------------------------------------------------

so that's my read, it lines up and im taking it as canon. I hope at least 2 people read this lmao.

[celestialglow24]

•••Promise Me•••

Frank Castle x AFAB reader

You finally see Frank again after months of being apart with no explanation.

hi friends. more Frank angst because this man has taken over my mind lately and i think you all should suffer with me. please enjoy xx

The walk back home from the restaurant wasn’t too bad of a trek. You had convinced yourself it’d be alot faster than waiting around for an uber, or bothering your cousin at 12 am to come down there and pick you up.

Was it wise? Probably not. But the multiple shots of liquid courage—fueled with the desire to take a long hot shower—gave you a sense of confidence no one would have been able to shake.

So you said your goodbyes to the group you were with, telling them a little white lie that your ride was here, and began walking home.

As the loud street music and bustling noise of downtown nightlife started to fade, that confidence began to wane.

It was really quiet out here, and no one was around from what you could tell. You could see the sign for a park a little ways ahead and that managed to level your nerves.

Your cousin’s apartment wasn’t too far from there and if you kept at the pace you were moving, you could get there in 10 minutes or so.

God you hated wearing heels. You’d yet to find a pair that didn’t make you want to cut off your feet and curse the ground after only a couple of hours of use.

There was a part of you that was half tempted to take them off and walk the rest of the way barefoot, but after already passing several broken bottles along the street, you decided you didn’t want to chance a night in the ER.

All things considered you were proud of yourself for going out tonight. It had been months since you’d done anything besides: work, sleep, eat, repeat.

Save for a few weekends now and then of binge watching a true crime doc with your cousin Lucy or a trip to the dog park with her dog Penny, you hardly allowed yourself any time to relax.

Anything to avoid your mind having the opportunity to think of him. To think of your past.

So when your coworker invited you out with people from your department to celebrate their recent promotion, you decided to let yourself enjoy a night out. You felt you had earned it.

You hadn’t been working for the company very long, but you got along with everyone pretty well. It was nice of them to include you.

It was certainly more fun than you expected to have but after your brain had tried multiple times to convince you that you’d seen someone that wasn’t there—someone who you hadn’t seen in months—you knew it was time to go.

6 months.

6 months and you still searched for him in a room full of people.

It was pathetic.

Even now, as you walked the nearly empty streets you felt him. You didn’t know how— and despite logic and reason battling with these inexplicable feelings— it still felt like you could sense his presence.

Yeah, this had to be the alcohol talking.

You tightened your trenchcoat around your torso in an effort to self soothe and offered a half smile to the few people you walked by on your way toward the park.

As you rounded the sidewalk, you pulled your phone out to text your cousin that you’d be home any minute. She was probably already sleeping but you wanted to give her the heads up anyway.

Anything to avoid her attacking you with a broom like she did the one time you got home late from work.

Just as you went to tuck your phone back in your coat pocket it slipped out of your hand, landing on the ground face down with a loud crack.

“Fuck” you cried, bending down to asses the damage. Thankfully you had a screen protector, so the actual screen was fine. But man you had done a number on it. The uneven cracks that splintered the screen made it difficult to read the time and notifications.

As you rose from your squatting position, you caught a figure out of the corner of your eye ducking behind a car across the street.

You felt your stomach drop.

Slowly… you stood up taller, squaring your shoulders and trying to steady your breathing. You calmly reached for the front clasp of your clutch, thanking any god or the universe that you managed to stow your taser earlier that night.

You chose not to make any sudden movements. Instead you waited. You waited for so long you were starting to question if you had seen anything at all. Maybe you misunderstood and it was the alcohol messing with your senses.

But when you saw the tip of a black hoodie through the window of the car you knew you weren’t losing it.

“Who’s there?” you shouted.

No response.

“Listen,” your voice shook, “I’m about 10 seconds away from dialing 911 so if you’re not interested in explaining to the cops why you’re sneaking up on -”

“Ain’t no need for all that.” You heard a voice call back.

Your breath stilled. As soon as the voice hit you, it was like the ground beneath you had been ripped away. You didn’t even feel like you were in your own body anymore.

You dug your nails into your palm, trying to startle yourself awake. Surely you had to be dreaming.

But when the figure stood and faced you, their hood falling back to reveal their face, you couldn’t deny what you were seeing.

There were so many emotions swelling inside you at once. Disbelief, disappointment, anger and relief.

You didn’t know it was possible to feel so many things at once.

Perhaps the most compelling was the realization that despite everything, you still felt love. So much love that it made you feel weak.

It almost made you forget everything that’s happened.

The feelings of abandonment. The nights of endless tears. The calls and messages that would never seem to go through.

Feelings of confusion. Of constantly wondering what you did wrong.

Questioning if any of it was ever as real to him as it was to you.

You could almost forget it all. Run right across the street into his arms. Hug him and kiss him over and over. Tell him how much you missed him. How much you need him. How much you forgive him if you could just be together again.

But as quickly as those thoughts teased your mind, the feelings of anger and betrayal enveloped you like an unrelenting wave.

You couldn’t allow the love you felt to erase the hell you’ve endured. You wouldn’t.

So you swallowed the tears that threatened to spill and turned away, making bigger strides to get back to your cousin’s apartment.

You could hear him shout your name but you kept moving.

He must have crossed the street because you could hear him calling directly behind you.

You didn’t stop. You didn’t say a word. You just kept moving.

Choosing to run was just plain stupid, but it was your only resort to get away fast.

Not only was it stupid because your feet hurt like hell and you were risking a face plant any second, but it was stupid because he was the fucking punisher.

Any attempt to try and outrun him was pointless. He’d be able to catch you before you could even finish your next thought.

“Hey!” he yelled, finally catching up to you and grabbing your arm. “Just hold up would you?”

“No!” you shouted, yanking yourself out of his grasp. You took a few steps backward and he held his arms up in defense.

At this point you know you looked like a mess. The hot tears you were trying to suppress had spilled over and you could taste the salt of them on your tongue.

You wanted to hate him. You wanted to hate him so much but seeing the pained look on his face broke your heart.

To be honest he looked like shit. He looked like a man who hadn’t slept in months. His beard was long and unkempt. It even looked like he’d lost weight. And his eyes, the biggest tell of all, were sad and empty.

“I just want to talk.” he spoke calmly.

You shook your head. “How did you find me?”

When you left the witness protection program you didn’t even tell Madani where you were going. She tried to pry it out of you, swearing that it was her duty as her job and as a friend to know. However, you wouldn’t budge.

The people that were after Frank had been taken care of according to Dinah. You didn’t want to continue living out the rest of your life looking over your shoulder.

So you thanked her for all of her help and you wished her the best, but you didn’t want any ties to your life back then. You didn’t want any more reminders of him.

“He asks about you, you know?” she had said during your last conversation. “Every week like clockwork. I haven’t told him anything. Just that you’re safe and happy.”

You scoffed, “Well at least one of those is true.”

She was silent for a moment. “I hope you can give yourself a chance to be happy again. Love doesn’t always look the way we want it to and life is hardly ever fair, but once we choose to accept the pieces we are given…. we can allow ourselves to move on.”

You know Dinah meant well. And you appreciated how close the two of you had gotten based on the circumstances. But you weren’t sure if you could agree with what she was suggesting. It felt impossible to move on when your whole body still ached for him.

“Thank you Dinah.” you relented, “Who knew you could be so therapeutic?”

“Just part of the charm.” she laughed.

A comfortable silence fell between you. You were sitting on the balcony of your cousin’s apartment, and for a brief second you felt a little bit of excitement at the opportunity to start over.

Your cousin had managed to get you a job and while it wasn’t exactly what you were doing before, it was familiar work.

You’d be working for a publishing company polishing and approving manuscripts. It was boring, monotonous work but it was safe.

You thanked Madani again and expressed the hope of following up again someday in the future.

Then you changed your number and disabled your emails.

You knew doing so wouldn’t stop them from being able to find you if they really wanted to. Her and Frank were both good for that. But it gave you a sense of control for now. That you were the one deciding to distance yourself this time and the choice wasn’t being made for you.

“Could we go some place to talk?”, his voice broke you out of the memory.

You crossed your arms.

“No. You don’t get to show up out of nowhere after months of silence expecting to just talk. I have nothing to say to you.”

The words that tumbled out of your mouth were meant to be delivered with strength and conviction. Instead, they sounded more like someone trying to convince themselves that they believed them.

“I can explain whatever you want. Just let’s get out of the cold here, there’s a diner not too far out.” he said, tilting his head back towards where you came from. “We could get a cup of co-”

“No, Frank, I want to stay right here.”

He closed his mouth, but you could tell he was trying to keep his composure. You were being stubborn and as much as you hated being in the cold, you didn't want to be around other people.

You didn’t want to take the chance of losing your shit while people were trying to enjoy their food in peace.

“I get that you’re angry, but there’s a lot you don’t understand. I was just trying to protect you.” he tried to reason.

“You left me Frank. You didn’t text, you didn’t call. You left me completely in the dark.” you cried, wiping angrily at your face to rid the tears that were escaping.

“Do you know how scared I was? Having strangers show up to my house and basically tell me I couldn’t exist as me anymore? I had to move and change my name. And the one person I needed more than anything—the one person who could make all of it feel okay— wouldn't even answer a damn phone call.”

You suddenly felt like you were back in the empty apartment Madani had set you up in. You hardly knew her before that day, she was just “someone who had worked with Frank before”, according to what she told you.

But she kept giving you this look. This look that both expressed the pity she felt for you and the wonder of how you ended up in a situation like this? How you managed to get mixed up in the world of Frank Castle?

But you had met him after he had left that life behind him. And according to him, the life that he was never going back to. Things had been good for so long that you never even questioned it until that day. Now you didn’t even know what was real.

“You were in danger alright? I had angered some really powerful people. I had hurt them, did things I’m not proud of and I wasn’t about to let you take the fall for it. You weren’t safe with me.”

“I was always safe with you!” you shouted, “Who else could’ve kept me more safe than you? We could’ve worked it out together, we could’ve came up with a plan—” you stopped as you watched Frank shake his head in disbelief, “What, Frank? What the fuck is that about?”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. Come up with a plan? Really?” he scoffed, “This isn’t team sports. It’s not some dumb escape room you sit around and solve clues in. It’s real fucking life.”

You looked down at your feet. The escape room comment was a low blow. It was something you loved doing and grumpy Frank hated. He’d go along with it if you planned it, not bothering to hide his disdain at first, but by the end of it you knew he had fun with you.

You didn’t think he’d throw it in your face as a means to mock you.

“Frank, we were partners. That’s what you do.” you replied, trying to keep your voice steady. “You work through things together. As a team. Not one person taking over and telling the other person what to do all the time, but see you didn’t ever want to do that did you? You didn’t think I was capable right?”

“Don’t go there.” he warned. You could see his hands start to twitch. In the past his agitation would have gotten you to dial it back a little. You hated fighting with him and it was never worth it.

But this time you didn’t care. You didn’t understand why he was the one so angry.

“Why not?” you probed, “You always made it seem like I was one mistake away from getting myself hurt.”

“That’s because you never took things seriously. You had no sense of danger. Too trusting, too carefree, too-”

“Stupid?” you interjected.

“I didn't say that.” he shot back. He ran his hands through his hair, trying to find some place to channel the tension. You could tell this was not how he wanted the conversation to be going either.

You couldn’t believe you were having this same fight. It was something you never got along about.

You tried to be understanding. You both had different life experiences and because Frank had a military background, he had been trained to look at things a certain way.

He was trained to look for a threat and “take it out before it took you”. Transitioning back to civilian life wasn’t always that simple. Those habits could be hard to unlearn.

It wasn’t always bad, but it wasn’t always necessary.

Not every stranger was a potential threat set out to hurt you.

Staying late at work didn’t mean you were in danger and someone was holding you hostage.

Interviewing a source for your upcoming news article didn’t immediately put a target on your back.

But Frank always anticipated the worst.

You know it was his way of expressing his love but it could be a lot at times. You just wanted to enjoy life together without always feeling like there was some danger lurking around the corner waiting to get you.

“Go ahead Frank,” you continued, “Let me hear how stupid it was for me to walk home by myself tonight. How naive it was to risk getting hurt when I should’ve called a cab.”

“I ain’t gonna act like it was a good idea, and up until a few minutes ago I’m sure you were realizin it wasn’t either.”

You let out a groan.

“I was almost home, besides I don’t think anyone would’ve tried anything with the big bad punisher stalking me.” you said, throwing your arms out dramatically.

“I mean really Frank, what was your plan? Were you just gonna jump out and shout surprise? Were you gonna follow me home to make sure no one grabbed me? Stare down the cars that drove past me? The people that passed me? What was the fucking point?”

For a moment he didn’t say anything.He kept his gaze down at his boots. The twitching of his hands had stopped, and the heavy rise and fall of his chest had slowed down.

“I needed to see you.”

The phrase was simple, but it held such weight.

You understood what he meant. You felt the desperation in his voice. And yet you couldn’t stop the anger from bubbling up.

“What about all the times I needed to see you? To hear your voice? Why didn’t I deserve the decency of a phone call, a text message, anything?”

“I couldn’t risk it.”

“Bullshit.” you spat. “You could risk asking Madani about me?”

His head shot up at that.

“Are we gonna do this all night?” he asked, the anger picking up in his voice again, “Huh? We’re gonna just keep yelling at each other? Who was right? Who was wrong?”

“Yes Frank because I’m angry with you! You made me feel unimportant. You made me feel helpless, like I had no control over my own damn life anymore.” You stepped closer, making sure he couldn’t avoid your eyes.

“You pushed me away like I meant nothing to you!” you shoved him.

“No.” he shouted, “I pushed you away because you meant everything to me!”

He turned away and let out a deep breath through his nose. The weight of his words slamming into you like a wrecking ball.

“Everyone I've ever cared about gets hurt because of me. Because of my demons. Because of the shit I've done to other people. I couldn't take that chance with you. They were so close to hurting you. I had to do something. That’s why I contacted Madani. That’s why we got you into witness protection.”

You felt the sting of the tears start to swell up again. From anger, frustration or sadness you couldn’t tell. Maybe it was all three.

“You want to know why I couldn’t say goodbye to you? Why I couldn’t call you? It’s because I knew—,” he paused and looked off to the side, “I knew that if I saw you—if I just heard your fucking voice—I’d change my mind.”

He finally locked eyes with you again, taking a step closer to you. He was testing it out, seeing how close you would let him get. To his surprise you didn’t move away.

“I couldn’t be selfish with you.” he said softly.

You didn’t know what to say. You knew the people that had been after Frank were relentless, but you never once feared for your life. Maybe there was more to it that he kept from you, and you wanted to trust him, but it didn’t diminish what you experienced while he was gone.

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry I hurt you. But I’m not sorry I did it because you’re safe. And I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, but I’d do it again in a fucking hearbeat if it meant nothing would happen to you.”

“It’s just—.” your voice trembled and you bit your bottom lip. You couldn’t look at him. You couldn’t put the words together.

“What is it?” he asked gently, taking another step towards you. This time he was close enough he grabbed the bottom of your chin and tilted it up towards him.

“I really missed you and I didn’t think you cared about me anymore.” You choked.

Suddenly you felt yourself pressed up against his chest as he pulled you into him. “No baby, that’s not true.” he soothed.

You wrapped your arms around his torso and laid your head on his chest, letting all the pent up emotions slowly release. God you forgot how good it felt to be held by him.

All the nights you longed for this very feeling. For him to hug you and kiss you and tell you everything was gonna be alright.

You could feel your unsteady breathing start to level out again and all the anger and frustration slowly disappear. It was as if he was a magnet, pulling out the deepest emotions you tried so hard to bury.

“I missed you so fucking much you have no idea.” He pulled back, tilting his head down to look at you.

You both locked eyes and without thinking twice you kissed him. He responded instantly, pulling you so tightly against him it was as if he was trying to swallow you whole.

That feeling people mention of the world standing still—you finally understood what that meant.

When you couldn’t breathe anymore you pulled away, resting your forehead against his.

“What does this mean, Frank?” you quietly asked. “Can we be together now? Do we just go back to the way things were before?”

He was quiet for a moment and you almost regretted asking the question.

“It’s whatever you want it to be sweetheart.” he finally answered, “You tell me.”

You weren’t sure what to say. One half of you wanted to be together again. The other half wasn’t so sure you should give in this easily.

What if it happened again? You didn’t doubt there were more people out there that’d like to see Frank Castle and the people he loved, hurt.

Would he push you away? You didn’t think you could survive it a second time.

“Frank, I love you. I want to be with you. But I need you to treat me like an equal. I want to be included in decisions. I don’t want to be kept in the dark again, it isn’t fair.”

Though he wasn’t speaking, you could tell the thoughts were churning in his head.

“If something like this comes up again I want to know about it. I want to have a say in how we handle it. Can you please promise me that?”

Frank let out a heavy sigh. He had to fight with the selfish side of him that wanted to say no. This shouldn’t even be something you have to worry about. He’s the one that should be responsible, not you.

But if he was being honest with himself these past several months were hell. He hated not being with you and maybe compromising would be the best thing to do after all.

He didn’t like making promises in general, but as he looked into your eyes he couldn’t bring himself to fight anymore. He needed to be with you just as much as you needed him too.

“Okay.” he agreed quietly.

“Promise me.” you urged again. You needed to hear him say it.

“I promise.”

You didn’t even realize how tense your body had become until you felt your shoulders relax. Frank pulled you into him again and you could feel the tension in him relax as well.

If anyone would have told you an hour ago you’d be standing in the middle of the street being held by Frank you would’ve told them they were crazy.

There were nights you never thought this moment would come. So as the two of you continued to stand there, holding onto each other. You realized there was probably nothing in this world that could match this feeling.

You would make sure that no matter what was waiting for you around the corner, you’d never let go again.

[risuola]

BROKEN PROMISE — F. READER x GOJO SATORU

He promised he will never leave you.

cw: angst, manga SPOILERS – AND I MEAN IT, IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW THE MANGA DO NOT READ (spoilers regarding chapters 223-236), hurt, blood, death, sadness – all of that jazz, reader is pregnant — 1,1k words

a/n: one of TWO endings to PROMISE – this one's angsty, it’ll rub salt into open wounds, it might make you cry, read the warnings please. If sadness and sorrow isn’t what you’re looking for right now, check THIS FLUFFY alternate ending out!

He made a promise, so he had to keep it.

Satoru promised to never leave you and your daughter, so why you felt like this?

Sitting there, watching how the fight was moving, following every movement of your dearest husband only to see him fail, time after time, over and over. Every time he seemed to be on top, the cursed king crawled back up. Every time something unimaginable happened, something equally unreal followed. Why were you here, stuck in the room full of tv’s, unable to do anything?

Waves of nausea were crashing over you one after another, your breaths slowly turned sharp and shallow as the terror in front of your own eyes played like the bad horror movie. You kept your shaky hands over your belly, smoothing nervous circles over it and your daughter that up until this time was sleeping with calm, now began turning. Your nerves finally got to her.

Your chest began rising and falling at an alarming rate as the panic slowly was taking over, and it’s only the reassuring squeeze on your shoulders, Shoko’s trembling hands, that kept you somewhat grounded. You didn’t even notice her there before, you barely noticed anything in the room. It was only him, struggling to win the fight that from the beginning felt unwinnable.

Thoughts clashed inside your head, your mind was racing off the cliff and you felt like no brakes would stop it now. You were hot, feverish even, but the sweat that glistened over your forehead and the back of your neck felt like ice. Your throat was clenching, as if your own heart got stuck there, preventing you from breathing and you felt the tears threatening to roll down your eyes, when Satoru faced three opponents at one. You managed to make the sound of Yuuta’s voice, because he was right next to you. He tried to hop in and help, he wanted to support his sensei and you wanted nothing more than to join Gojo’s side yourself. You wanted nothing more than to give him whatever power was inside of you, to take the burden of this fight off his shoulders, that although broad and strong, seemed to slowly collapse under the weight. “No,” someone told the boy, but you couldn’t recognize the voice. “It’s his fight, we’d only get in his way,” he reasoned, and you knew it was true, but still wondered if anything would go differently if there was someone, anyone, that would support your love on the battlefield?

And then, it was silent. With the grounds of Shinjuku permanently scarred by the largest, most powerful purple that you had a chance to see, everything around you went silent. Sukuna was standing, barely, bearing deep damages over Megumi’s body and Satoru was there as well. He was wounded, but he was fine. Satoru was fine, he won. Satoru won. He won.

“Something’s wrong…”, you whispered, with eyes glued to the screen, paying no mind into the quiet cheers and comments that were coming to your ears from the very back of the rooms. Satoru won, you should be now exhaling in relief, but why it felt that wrong? ���Sukuna’s still standing, it’s not over…”

“What are you talking about, he won, he-“ someone tried to scold you, but it took just a second to shut the whole sound down.

You caught a glimpse of a smirk stretching the lips on Megumi’s face and something bright blinded your eyes for a moment. And then, next thing you saw took your breath away. A deafening silence rang inside your brain, your body stiffened, every muscle tensed at the sight of the purest terror. The sight you could never imagine, the sight of Gojo Satoru, cut in half, on the ground. Blood gushing out of his torn out torso, the lower half of his body still standing as if it didn’t realize how light it became.

Gojo lost.

He promised he will never leave you.

The silence suffocated you. You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t think and only thing that kept you from passing out was the waves of pain shooting out of your shoulder, where Shoko kept her grip iron and shaking. You felt like everything you went through up until this point rushed in front of your eyes, you felt like your own heart was ripped out of your chest and stomped over. Blood left your face and you could feel your body tensing up even more. You could feel your baby girl twisting and turning inside your belly, her feet were constantly kicking your abdominal walls as if she tried to snap you out of the trance. She was the reason you had to keep living, when now you wished nothing more than to die. With him.

Getting up, despite many protests and objections, in few seconds you made your way to the battlefield. As you dropped to your knees right next to Satoru’s body, he still seemed to be aware of what’s around him. He breathed out the smallest huff of air when you landed your hand over his bloodied cheek.

“You did well, Satoru,” you whispered to him.

“So…rry…”, he mouthed, no voice leaving his mouth, but his blue eyes shifted from the sky to your face. “Sorry,” he tried once again and once again, just air slipped over his tongue.

“It’s alright, love,” you told him, caressing his pale skin with your trembling hand.

“I promised,” another try resulted in more blood gushing from his mouth.

“It’s okay. We’ll take care of her together; I know you’ll always be there.”

A tear gathered in the corner of Gojo’s eye, but you were quick to wipe it away with your thumb.

“You don’t need to be the strongest anymore, Satoru,” your whisper caused the corner of his lips go up just slightly. “I love you so much. You can rest now.”

His mouth shivered as he tried to shape them into one more “love you”, before he stilled.

Leaning in, you pressed a kiss to his forehead, gently closing his eyes and finally, the tears burst out of your eyes. It’s as if you were holding them, sparing him the sight of your cries, because if he couldn’t be the strongest anymore, you had to be as strong as you could. But now, you couldn’t feel him anymore.

He lost.

But he promised.

A scream ripped through your throat, burning its way straight out of your heart. A cry of devastation and loss, mourning sound of agony that rushed through your vein as you laid your head down on his unmoving chest; ear over the heart that no longer beat.

He promised.

But now, he was gone.

[guiltysungho]

— Our past, present and future

genre : tags. fluff, exs to lovers, bsf to lovers, flashbacks, childhood friends, summer vacation, love triangle

pairing. bsf!leehan / ex!riwoo x gn!reader

wordcount. 9984

synopsis. Going back to your hometown feels so different now, unable to go back to the way things once were. You find yourself stuck between the love you once had and the possibility of a new love.

a/n. the second part of the past lives event. my longest fic omg. i've been working on it for a bit i really hope y'all like it. it's kinda inspired by love and other words so maybe you'll notice similarities but yeah. i enjoyed writing this so i hope you enjoy reading it and feedback pleasee i always need to improve and criticism is welcome.

@onedoornet

When you lived there you thought you would stay forever. Now everything had changed, and you were on a train going back home when you thought you would never come back.

There were so many reasons you grew to hate the town that you once loved so much, but the true reason you left to never come back was Lee Sanghyeok.

As you sat in the train you couldn’t help your brain traveling back to the town with all the memories it encapsulated, the love, the joy, all the feelings rushing back in all at once. The people you sat with were just as familiar, they had brought all those feelings into your new life, and helped you forget those memories you dreaded.

You had promised each other that if you passed your finals, you would take them to see your hometown. Often, you’d feel reminiscent of your childhood days, when you only had fun, when the damage hadn’t been done yet. You would tell them all about your childhood home, the seaside sunsets, all the flavours you tasted, all the sights you’d seen. So, they wanted to see it for themselves, and you agreed because there was always the chance of you failing, but you didn’t.

Now here you were, with your three closest friends taking the express train, on the verge of tears because it felt like so long, a whole year. Everything could change in a year; you had no idea where to place yourself. You were going home, why did it not feel that way? Beside you, Donghyun kept his eyes on you resting your head to the side gazing out the window, he knew you wouldn’t tell him your mind, but he could tell something was up.

He could see your frown in the reflection of the glass you stared through, watching the greens pass you by, your teeth pulling sharply on your bottom lip. You first felt his fingertips graze your wrist, then his hand slipped in yours, gentle brushes from his thumb on the back of your hand. One deep inhale, focusing your thoughts on the hand that was holding you, a gentle reminder that you wouldn’t be dealing with anything alone, you were so well surrounded.

A glance in his direction, his eyes were already on you, careful and attentive, he’d give you all his attention if that was what you needed. You were unsure how he did it, how he made you feel so safe with just a look, you could never truly feel worry when you were with him.

He nudged his shoulder for you to rest on, shifting closer to you in his seat for you to place your head in the space he saved for you, and you did, letting yourself soak in all the warmth he brought, enveloping you carefully in the safety of Kim Donghyun. Sometimes you wished he would make it harder for you to fall for him, it was truly the easiest thing, falling. But when it was the last thing you wanted it became a challenge.

You’d felt all this comfort in someone else, not so long ago, you loved everything you felt when you were with them so much that when you lost it, you promised yourself to rule out the feeling from your life completely, but then you met Donghyun. Your heart would play the same old melodies that you knew so well, you would look forward to his mindless touches, any contact felt right when he was the perpetrator. You wouldn’t give in completely, as much as you wanted to, as much as you pictured all the ideal ways these feelings could lead you, it was a risk you were not willing to take, not so soon.

Somehow you were fine with the idea of Sanghyeok being your first and last love.

It was impossible to guess at the time how much your first encounter would impact your lives, you were so young then, full of light and curiosity, you always aspired to know more, to dig deeper and understand better. That same curiosity could be the reason you met in the first place, the reason your relationship grew so much to the point of crashing down.

It was the youngest you could remember yourself. During a hot summer, where you would play outside often with other kids from the neighbourhood. You would play around the fountain splashing water on one another while one of their parents watched over you. They didn’t always watch close enough because you always ended up escaping the fun to roam around the small streets, looking for trinkets, coins and anything you could find to build your collection.

It was on one of those days that you saw him, sitting alone on a sidewalk fully occupied by the device he pressed repeatedly in his hands, not noticing your presence until you sat beside him, leaning in closer to get a peek at the fun. He took a quick glance at you before continuing his game, stretching his arms forward for you to see clearly the gameplay. You weren’t familiar with video games at the time, your leisure activities consisted of playing dolls, and swinging on monkey bars but this was life changing.

“You made me lose.” The words “game over” read on the dark screen, you turned to him with a slight frown wondering what happened to the magic on the screen. He simply handed you the device placing your fingers carefully on the right buttons.

“You have to press here and here,” pushing down your fingers pressing them against the buttons as he explained, “don’t stop, okay?” as you nodded, he pressed the start button, and you tried your best to replicate his instructions.

After a few presses, you found yourself in front of the same black screen with the words game over on it, you looked at him stunned by how quickly it ended, and he smiled taking his game back from you.

“You’re not very good.” He said getting up on his feet putting the game in his pocket, you blinked at him confused, how could he be any better he wasn’t even older than you? “Come back tomorrow, I’ll let you play more, okay?” And just like that he was gone running up to a lady who took him by the hand as he walked off.

Then came your neighbour’s mom ready to scold you for running off again, she would eventually get used to it because she always knew where to find you. On that dirty sidewalk with the boy that lived downtown, you had grown closer that summer, seeing each other every day did that.

Being toddlers, your parents inevitably met and then came the playdates, the birthday parties, your parents often reminded you that he wasn’t going to always be around so his eventual absence wouldn’t hit you as hard. He was staying for the summer with his grandparents so he would end up leaving. It wasn’t until the last day of summer that you felt the sadness, he was there with you, eating ice cream together on the swings, watching you sniffle with a soft pout on your lips between every lick.

“Are you sad?” He asked swinging gently with the cool summer breeze, you turned him as your pout deepened on the verge of bursting in a loud cry.

He stood up walking over to you to pat you on the head, “Why are you crying?”

“I don’t want you to go.” You coughed out the words between your sobs, letting your tears coat your face, his brows furrowed as he tilted his head.

“To go? Where?” You frowned at him, surprised that he could joke when you were so sad, then he smiled and so you pushed him away from you, walking away from the “bully” you called friend.

He caught up with you, still obviously amused, you stopped in your tracks turning to him somewhat offended by the smile on his face; “Sanghyeok, you’re being really mean right now.”

“You’re right I’m sorry, but I’ll cheer you up.” You wiped your tears off your face, sighing as you looked at him curious about how he would do that, “I’m not going anywhere, so stop crying.”

The relief you felt hearing those words was incomparable to anything you had ever felt before, he patted your head once again ruffling it to a frizzy mess before taking his leave. After that you came to realize that whenever you were with him, you ended up discovering something new, about the world, or just yourself, that you had so many secrets inside you waiting to be uncovered, more curiosity grew.

Now you were older, and you still didn’t know yourself entirely, but you were getting there and maybe this trip would help you, maybe it didn’t have to be as bad as you imagined.

You finally reach your destination after a long train ride; you gather all your bags and guide your friends through the station to the welcoming area where your parents promised to be.

It’s surprisingly crowded; you scan the room a couple of times before reaching for your phone. Your dad had messaged you a couple minutes ago that they were waiting so why can’t you see them?

A sharp pull on your wrist makes you stumble back, looking at the hand around your wrist you’re ready to snap at Donghyun till you notice the grimace on his face, gaze fixed in front of you, somehow you already know what you’ll see before you turn.

“Why are you here?” it comes out of your mouth before you can even think it, you watch his expression decompose sighing as he points over to the exit.

“Your parents brought me along, I’m sorry I should’ve declined.” You let out a quiet “oh”, looking over to your friends who are clueless to the situation, you gesture for him to lead the way following behind with the others. You feel Donghyun’s hand slide down from your wrist to your palm, holding your hand to keep you by his side.

“That’s him, right?” he leans lower to your ear to whisper the question, you look at him over your shoulder with a playful frown.

“Stop.”

He smiles as he stands up straight, squeezing your hand gently in his, bringing the same smile to your lips as you walk to your parent’s van.

Introductions go smoothly, Sanghyeok had excused himself into the car, taking the driver’s seat. Jiyeon, one of your friends comes up to you as you’re all entering the van, Haneul following behind.

“Why don’t we get to know the driver?” She whines in your ear, amused by your reaction bursting into a quiet laughter with her second pair.

“But seriously, you’re gonna need to do some explaining.” Haneul tells you before taking her seat beside you, leaving the last seat on the row for Donghyun who joins soon after.

The drive feels nice, you look out through the window over his shoulder, resting on it as you listen to your parents’ chatter, letting your friends answer in your place as you doze off just like you always did in the past, driving home.

Seeing him again felt worse than you imagined it would, not because you had so much hatred for him but because you could feel clearly how much you actually missed him, how much you wanted to live back all those years together.

 When you get home, your parents try making you talk, telling you all about everything he’d been helping them with. The thought that he stayed close to your parents even after you stopped talking only made the situation more awkward. You excuse yourself going to help your guests and listening to him say his goodbyes as you walk off. You hate that your parents still push the narrative of a future between you two when that ship had sailed.

To enjoy the first night, you decide to take your friends down to the beach for a late-night dip. It’s one of those things you missed about this town, quiet strolls down to the beach paired with the gentle cool summer breeze, the perfect remedy for such a day.

“So, he’s your ex.” Jiyeon nods at you like to congratulate you for scoring such a fine man, you shake your head back dismissing her. You’re all sat on the sand watching the waves pull back and forth as the sky darkens, using the time to talk about anything that crosses your minds.

“Why’d you break up? Is he like… an asshole?” Haneul giggles leaning in to hear all the gossip, they all look at you expectantly waiting for you to reveal all the bad things he’d done but you shake your head again.

“No, he was a great guy, great boyfriend, great friend but he broke my heart…” The image of the last time you saw him flashed in your mind forcing you to take a deep breath.

‘Sounds like you still like him.”

“It does, right?” you laugh at yourself, standing up taking off your towel before walking down to the shore, cringing at the water temperature, waving for them to join you. The girls follow behind you closely, complaining about the cold water into your ears. Turning away from them, right in front of you was Donghyun, you watch him pull his shirt over his head, revealing a beautifully sculpted body, mindlessly gawking at the scene as the girls swarm around you.

“Here comes plan B.” You dart your eyes at Haneul, who smiles back innocently hugging you close by the waist.

“She’s right, look at him.” You are looking, it’s hard to take your eyes off. He was attractive with clothes but seeing him shirtless had you drooling. He finally reaches you and the two leave your sides. You look him up and down before landing back on his eyes giving him a cute smile, he tilts his head curiously as a smirk grew at the corner of his lips.

Before you can say anything, you’re getting splashed with cold water from multiple directions making you lean in closer to find refuge in his arms, placing your head against his chest as you keep your head down.

“I thought you wanted to swim.” his voice sounds so close to your ear it almost makes you jump back.

“It’s too cold.” you mumble at his chest, he wraps his arm around your lower back and then under your knees sweeping you off your feet, a playful smile on his lips as he speaks up.

“Here let me help.” Walking further into the water, keeping you trapped in his arms, laughing as you cry to get out of the water, kicking your feet as you whine, he gives you a playful air kiss before bending down, soaking you both in the cold water.

You push him off the moment you got in the water, splashing him as you tried to escape him. The two others cheer you on as you swim away, splashing water on all of them with your feet. You all end up in the ocean swimming till it’s too dark to see anything anymore.

As you got older, you found that your feelings for Sanghyeok only kept on evolving, by the time you were in high school it was undeniable that the feelings were far from platonic. However, it also got harder at that point in your lives, everything was revealing itself to be more complicated that you’d initially thought.

“I’ll see you after classes, just wait for me at the gate.” You smiled at him as you unbuckled your seatbelt, stepping out the car with a wave. Sanghyeok had been admitted to a private school by his parents so for the first time in a while you wouldn’t be together at school.

Ever since he got older, his parents had grown more controlling over him, dictating most of his movements and making big decisions for him, with his best interest at heart – of course. Still, you wished he could be closer now, more than ever because of the romance mess high school brought.

It wasn’t as hard to function without him around as you thought it would be, but it felt empty. You met a bunch of new kids your age, and it made you enthusiastic about getting to know new people, but you couldn't wait for the end of the day when you would reunite with the only one that mattered to you.

Finally, the day at school ended, you’d made enough friends in your first day to keep yourself occupied for the rest of the school year – you had good classmates. As you walked out the school compound you could already see him waiting there by the gate, his head down on his phone. You weren’t the only one who’d noticed him apparently, mummers and fingers pointing in his direction all around the entrance, his popularity only seemed to grow as you got older.

He lifted his head up meeting your eyes as you reached him, soft smile on his lips as he greeted you.

“Wanna go to a study café? I’ll help with your notes.” You looked around you at the gossip crowd that formed around you. You gave him a blank stare unamused by him feeding the rumours, he squeezed a tight apologetic smile opening the door for you to get in.

“You’re dead.” you whispered as you ducked you head to enter the car.

Shutting the door close, he smiled all the way to his seat beside you, turning to you curiously.

“Seriously you have to stop doing that, I enjoy being a nobody.”

“You’re my best friend, that’s not gonna be possible.” You rolled your eyes at him as he told his driver to take you to the café you studied at usually in middle school. “I missed you today.”

“Of course you did. Remind me why you’re so popular again? It’s actually pissing me off.” He laughed at your annoyance; he knew it just meant you missed him too. He enjoyed reading your emotions through your intonations, most of the time he felt he was the only one who could understand how you were truly feeling. You kept the actual feelings to yourself because you knew he could tell.

“Young and rich—"

“Short and handsome?” He glanced at you with a pleased grin, completely dismissing the diss. You turned away from him, focusing your gaze out the window.

He leaned in, trying to grab your attention, noticing the red pigment at the tip of your ear, he scoffed at how easily it was to tease you. You turned back to him and were met with a sudden proximity making you widen your eyes, turning away slowly, completely stunned.

The moment the driver announced you had arrived you got out of the car, craving any sort of escape from the situation. He cleared his throat as he stepped out of the car, joining you at the entrance, opening the door for you to enter first.

“How was your first day, by the way?” You snorted out a laugh covering your mouth, you applauded the attempt clear the air, forcing your smile to a straight face. He sighed taking a seat in the booth you usually took.

“Honestly, not bad. How about you?”

He nodded agreeing, telling you a bit about the sprouts of drama starting in his class already. The chattering slowly died out after you brought out your books, respectively focusing on your workload. The occasional glances up at each other, seeing how well you were dealing with the tasks.

“Come over.” You nudged over to the space beside you for him to join you. He took the seat, and you showed him where you were stuck, he knew exactly what to say to help you decipher the question. Handing you back your pen he watched as you took your time to fix your mistake, following the instructions he gave you. Seeing you get a hang of it brought a smile to his lips, he watched your eyebrows furrow at the step you reached confused once again. He simply pointed out the elements you needed, and you nodded seemingly understanding; his eyes stayed there on your face, locked on as you solved the problem.

Your soft pout while you thought of the next steps, made him want to give you more complex equations, just to watch that play out over and over again. The hair you had tucked back behind your ear fell forward, completely blocking his view, bringing him back to his senses, glancing at your exercise sheet only to bring his gaze right back. His hand reached forward grazing your hair strands, ready to push them away but then your hand came up, doing it instead, making him retrieve his hand.

You glanced over at him mindlessly, meeting his eyes for a second before turning back to your work, “Thanks, I got it.”

“Of course.”

After a few more minutes of studying, you finally ended the session for the day, and went home together. It was that way most days in your first year of high school, drop offs in the morning, then the café after school and then you would walk home together. It was mostly him walking you home, he lived closer to the café but he always walked you up home.

Finishing earlier than scheduled one winter day, you decided to go over to his school for once. It was a short walk, the air was cold but that was how you liked it, you sat opposite of the school entrance on a bench. It was nearly time for him to finish so you wouldn’t be there long. You had always wondered how he was at school, away from you, he’d told you so many things, but it was more interesting seeing it for yourself.

The school bell echoed out making you sit up, looking carefully at the mass of kids that walked out the fancy gates hoping to find him there. When you finally did see him, you felt your heart drop to your stomach, it was dumb he could have other friends so why was this one making you so devasted?

She seemed close to him, she was close to him physically, her arm wrapped around his and he smiled at her, did he ever smile at you like that? He’d never mentioned being this close to anyone, you felt a fool. She gave him a hug before walking away with a pretty smile on her face and he watched her walk away with a slight smile, you thought you were the only one he watched leave.

You took in a deep breathe before standing up, you couldn’t make it seem like you cared too much he was free to live, but he could’ve told you. You brush the plaguing thoughts down as you approached him forcing a smile on, seeing the shock on his face from your presence.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” A soft chuckle escaped his lips as he glanced in the direction the girl left in, then back at you.

You tried to compose your thoughts taking in a breath, closing your eyes for a second, you wished you weren’t so affected by it.

“I finished earlier. You never mentioned having such a close friend.” Looking up at him for confirmation that she was in fact just a friend, instead he sighed clearing his throat.

“She’s… I don’t know how to explain this but my parents, they want us to… get to know each other?” He’d thought of so many ways of bringing up this situation, but it never felt right so he figured it could be the one thing he kept from you but now you’d seen it, and he couldn’t just avoid the confrontation.

“Oh. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“There’s not really anything to say, I didn’t want you to think anything of it…”

“So, there’s nothing going on between you two?” You let him place his hand on your head, patting gently with a smile.

“Is yn jealous perhaps?” You frowned at him, pushing his hand off your head, you couldn’t find it in you to just move on from this with a laugh.

“Don’t do that. I didn’t think we had to hide things from each other but apparently, I was wrong.”

“It’s really not like that… We’re only close because our parents keep forcing it, you know how they are.”

“Whatever. Let’s just go.”

He tried reaching for the door to open it for you, but you grabbed it first, taking your seat and shutting the door immediately. The drive was quiet, you figured the study session would be as well. You didn’t think you would get angry with him, but he just kept fuelling the fire, you felt like any other girl demanding information from him, when you were his closest friend. Apparently, that wasn’t enough for him to be honest with you.

You took your seats at the café, and you could feel his eyes glaring through you as you tried focusing on your work. You sighed looking up at him, tilting your head at him wondering what he wanted.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but it was hard, I wasn’t sure how you would take it.” He hesitated as he spoke, looking at you carefully hoping he hadn’t said the wrong thing again.

“Your parents want you to date her?” He nodded watching you fidgeting with your pens, you nodded as well registering the information. “So, you’re going to—”

“No. I’m not, I don’t like her like that.”

You stared at him for a moment thinking about it. So far, he hadn’t done much to rebel against his parents, it was hard to believe that he wouldn’t go through with this.

“So, nothing is going on between you two?”

“No yn”

“Did something… happen?” His lips parted open for a second before shutting close, he brought his gaze up to meet yours. Your head turned, confused by the look, but it meant exactly what you thought.

“You had—”

“No! No, we just kissed once, it was at that party I told you about…” He stammered the words shakily, his gaze shifting away from yours as he spoke.

You couldn’t be mad at this, he was a guy, and he was popular you should’ve seen it coming, but you didn’t. You had this idea in the back of your mind that you would be each other’s first, it was dumb but now it felt even dumber. You couldn’t bring yourself to speak up again.

“You’re mad...?” It was obvious, you shook your head at him denying the obvious, “It really didn’t mean anything, like it was a dare.”

“I’m not mad, Sanghyeok. You can kiss whoever you want I don’t really care, It’s cool.”

“You obviously don’t mean that.” His brows furrowed as he moved over to your side of the booth, hoping to reassure you in some way.

“It doesn’t matter. You’ve probably kissed a bunch of people.” You could feel him close, trying to understand searching for your gaze as you spoke, there was a brief moment of silence before he spoke up again.

“I’ve… only ever wanted to kiss one person.”

You turned to him curiously, the question ready to leave your lips but the answer told itself. The soft smile he had as he watched you look over to him, his eyes landing on your lips in a heartbeat, it was all so clear. You wanted to be patient and wait for his lips to press against yours, but it felt out of your hands, you let your heart take the leap.

Inching closer with every breathe, till there was no room to breathe anymore, it felt so natural, his taste felt so familiar. You let your hands guide you to places on his body, places you had touched before but never with so much eagerness, thirst. His tongue slipping into your mouth only added to that feeling, you wanted everything he had to offer, to taste every lingering flavour in his pallet.

A mutual feeling, you could tell as he pulled you closer, hand wrapping around your thigh with a firm grip. Gradually gliding his hand further up your thigh, forcing you back to your senses as you stopped his hand, pulling you away from your fantasy.

When you were younger the town always seemed so big, like there was always something new to discover, you never really had time to be bored but now everything was different.

You look over to your friends laying on your bedroom floor with their respective fans blowing cool air in their faces, taking turns to whine about the hot weather. Your mom had brought diced watermelons for them to snack on while you stayed indoors for the day.

“It’ll be cooler in the evening we can go out then, I promise it will be fun.” Jiyeon looks at you with an exhausted smile expressing her enthusiasm the best she could.

“I’m so sorry guys, I didn’t know they closed the pool. It’s usually best in there when it’s this hot.” You spray each of them with water hoping to keep them alive till the evening.

For the rest of the afternoon, you just sit there on the cool floors, sharing an ice pack till it melts in the sun. It all feels like an unspoken bond that you will all remember for a long time, trying to stay cool in the hot southern summer. Slowly each of you falls asleep waiting for the sun to set, you in Donghyun’s lap as he rests back against the bed, dosing off to the soft snores coming from Haneul who slept soundly resting her legs on your belly, Jiyeon cuddled up right by her side.

Blinking your eyes open you sit up from your spot, yawning quietly as you push the feet on your stomach off. You turn to your own pillow who was already up, you let your head rest on his shoulder still feeling sleepy from your nap.

“You can go ahead and shower first, we’ll probably just go around town, get drinks… I don’t know, it’ll be fun.” You ramble quietly to him, you never knew how you ended up so close, but you always managed to find a spot in Donghyun’s comfort, he’d hold you there for a while and then you would move on like it was only normal.

After about an hour, you finally step out of the house with the group into the poorly lit streets of the town. It had been a while since you last roamed these streets but every memory that you experienced came back to you so lividly. Walking down that road through the empty playground you used to play in, down to the street where you sat playing videogames till it was dark, the same darkness that circled you now.

You tell your friends all about the past memories always leaving out the most significant part, the love that you felt, the one person you spent your days with. You liked thinking erasing him from the memories would make it easier to forget him, to move on without him but all it did was provide a gap, a void, that it seemed would never be filled.

“So, this is where you grew up.” You look over to your side following the voice, a reminder you could build new memories to look back on. “It suits you.”

“You think? I feel like I was meant to be out there.” You smile mindlessly, he can tell you’re getting lost in your thoughts, telling stories you hadn’t thought about in forever, trying your best to cherish the past instead of hating it altogether, he could see all this.

“I think it helped build up all that curiosity, starting off here I think, made you more eager to know more.” You look up at him, his soft features lit perfectly under the dim streetlights paired with a soft smile.

It feels like you’re alone, just the two of you in those quiet streets, staring into each other’s eyes trying to communicate your true feelings through them. Playing a dumb game when you both know. In each moment spent together you can feel how real your hearts’ desire is.

He’s had the words at his throat for a while, waiting for the right moment to tell you honestly but it never feels right, you’re never fully there, even now as you walk the same path side by side your heart lies somewhere else. It complicates things when he doesn’t know whether to help you move on or if you need to hold on to that feeling, that maybe what ever you are holding on to is best for you because he can’t afford to be selfish when it comes to your happiness.

“Omg y’all are actually pissing me off.” You look down at the floor as Haneul takes a space between the both of you breaking off the tension, she wraps her arm around your shoulder and walks you away from Donghyun.

“I feel like Sebastian in the little mermaid trying to set y’all up,” she complains as you get to the town centre, guiding her along to the mart, “you know it’s obvious you like him, right?”

“No?” You turn to her with a frown making her laugh, raising an eyebrow at you questioning your seriousness.

“Well yes baby. You’re always staring into each other’s eyes affectionately like fucking robots it’s so annoying just kiss oh my god.” You groan covering your face in your hand as you step into the store, her giggles echoing in your ear.

“I don’t want to kiss him.”

“And I don’t want to get drunk tonight yet look where we are,” She shrugs grabbing a couple drinks, you look over to the two others at the other end of the aisle and sigh to yourself, “Shalala don’t be shy, you gotta kiss the boy.”

You push her off gently, shaking your head at her playful attitude, grabbing a couple drinks before going over to the others. You try your best to stay focused on the task at hand, gathering the drinks, deciding on other snacks you could grab for the night, glancing at Donghyun, eyes on his lips. Admitting it was hard, but you only had one thing in mind since she mentioned it.

There is no use feeding into it, you like him as a friend more than you want to feel his lips on yours, he was a very valuable friend, and relationships tend to end badly so no matter how much his lips seemed appealing you had to stay away from them.

After getting everything necessary from the store you bring them down to the dock where all the fishermen boats are gathered, a usual drinking spot for underaged teens and overaged drunkards but a perfect spot, nonetheless. The water is calm and the boats rock gently on it, swaying from side to side with the wind, blue moonlight above shining so perfectly across the sky bringing a faint light to your encampment.

The drinks were opened as soon as you found a nice spot at the edge of the dock, right by the water. You sit there together, feet dangling off the edge swinging in the gentle night breeze. It feels right being there together, you never had the exhilarating experience of drinking here with your friends in your teenage years, but you imagine it would have been just like this. Laughter in the air, questionable cocktails and childish games.

“Okay, never have I ever…” Jiyeon glances between you and Donghyun with a sheepish smile, “wanted to kiss my friend. On the lips. French style.”

You roll your eyes bringing the drink to your lips, you had a habit of falling for your friends, so it wasn’t necessarily about this situation, but you let them take it as they want. You look over to him downing the last drops of his drink, your eyes meet as he put the bottle down.

“So which friend?” Haneul asks loudly tearing your gaze away from him and to glare at her. “What? I’m curious.”

“It was a while ago, so you wouldn’t know.”

“The guy at the station, right?” She grins proud of her deduction; you take a deep breath before nodding in response.

“So, no recent friends you want to kiss?”

“What are y’all doing?” You smile through the frown, taken aback by the sudden interrogation. They giggle in unison, drunken voices brushing the whole thing aside, waving around their hands dismissingly.

You sigh turning to Donghyun who was sat on the opposite side of the dock, giving him a tight-lipped smile. He smiles back breathing out a soft laugh, he points over to the spot beside you while the two other dance to the song they made up. You shift slightly to the side inviting him to join you.

“They seem to be having fun.” You glance over to the pair as he sits by the edge beside you, slow dancing to the sound of crickets holding their bottles loosely in their hands.

“Yeah.”

Silence felt unsettling to you most of the time, but then there were the silent moments shared with Donghyun and those just felt comforting. He brought that feeling along with him at all times, just being close to him you could feel it, maybe that was why you liked being so close, because you liked that warmth. You aren’t very close but without looking you can tell his hand is only inches away from yours.

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” he turns over to you and your gaze follows, “You don’t really like it here, do you?” You smile, of course he would notice.

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s a love hate relationship, I had so many good memories here, I’ve been my happiest in these streets, but I guess looking back on it make me sad.” He nods and his hand feels closer than before.

“Do you miss living here?”

“I miss my childhood but that’s normal, I had good friends...” He’s further away again, hesitating once again.

“Your ex? He was a childhood friend?” You take a couple gulps from your drink finishing it at once, you force a smile looking away from him as you do.

“Yeah, my closest friend actually. It probably should’ve stayed that way; it would’ve been better for a lot of people.” His brows furrow as he listens to you, watching you try your best to act like you genuinely did believe the things you were saying.

“You don’t have to see it as a bad thing, you live and you learn, I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. So, try looking at the doors that opened for you after you lost that.” You let him place his hand on yours, listening to his advice, words you know you needed to hear.

“We got a lot closer, and I’m really glad we did, you’re one of my favourite people now.”

“Not your favourite yet?”

“You’re getting there.”

“Also, I saw you drinking earlier. Who’s the lucky girl?” It was a naïve question, but you weren’t able to separate your thoughts from things you wanted to say out loud anymore. There was a possibility it wasn’t about you, maybe he also had an old friend he liked but he made it so obvious you couldn’t even tell yourself lies.

“Who do you think it is?” He asks quietly, staring into your eyes intently, feeling himself draw closer to you so slowly you can barely notice.

You can move away, turn from his gaze, push him off but you don’t, you don’t want to, but you feel as though you have to. You want so badly to leave the past behind, but it holds so many unanswered questions, questions you’d been convincing yourself you knew the answers to but whenever you thought back, it was all a blur. Still, you stay there, watching his eyes land on your lips as they part open, he looks back up into your eyes placing his hand on your cheek, leaning in till he can feel your lips brush against him, your eyes fluttering shut.

“Oh my god look!” The voice brings you back to your senses, pulling away immediately as you turn over to the sound.

“Sunrise already?” The other chimes in, taking her seat beside you. They set this all up only to ruin their plotting in the end, their drunken state overpowered any scheming.

After watching the sunrise, you walk back to your house, swaying from side to side unable to stay balanced with all the alcohol in your system. His gaze always ends up on you, whether he’s helping one of the others up after tripping or holding you so you don’t, he just wishes he could understand, where your mind is.

When you finally reach home, you all swarm into the room as fall asleep in whatever position worked the best. Somehow everyone found a spot on your single sized bed.

A wave of thirst hits you in the middle of your sleep, forcing you out of bed and into the kitchen, chugging down full glasses of water.

“Ah there they are.” You look over to your mom on the sofa with Sanghyeok, you scrunch your face in confusion looking at the clock to confirm to yourself that it was still morning. You yawn as you make your way over to your mom.

“Why is he here?”

“Ask him yourself.” You groan as your mom taps your shoulder gently, leaving you alone in the room with him. You sit beside him on the couch with tired eyes, dozing off mindlessly.

“So why are you here?” You ask eyes closed, the taste of alcohol still strong in your mouth despite all the water.

“I just brought your parents some fruits, from the parents’ garden and your mom invited me in. She said you would be sleeping so I accepted.”

“So, you didn’t want to see me?”

“I always want to see you y/n.” You look over to him, only to look away with a sigh, you want to indulge in it, play blind, act like the past year didn’t completely destroy you, but it did so you can’t.

“Don’t do that.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to come back, I figured you needed the space but now you’re back… and you’re still ignoring me, you look at me like you don’t know me, I don’t—”

“That’s not fair Sanghyeok,” you bite down your bottom lip, trying to stabilize your breathing, looking at anything but him as you inhale, “It was all so confusing for me. Seeing you with her, I got scared and I know I could’ve just talked to you about it, but I’m still scared.”

You couldn’t have predicted at the time that the kiss you shared would change your relationship so drastically, but it was inevitable. You knew you liked him, but you hadn’t thought you would get this far so it got awkward at first, you didn’t even mention the kiss in the week following it.

Maybe it had gotten too weird between you, maybe it was obvious that you were avoiding eye contact, because one day he just asked you directly, “Did you not like it? The kiss?” You answered slightly too enthusiastically that you in fact did enjoy the kiss.

He asked in the most sincere way, no paraphrasing, just the right words to get his point across, “I want you to be my girlfriend, would you… like that?” It seemed surreal at the time, your best friend asking you to be his girlfriend, you’d dreamt of the idea so many times and the reality was so much better. You hadn’t realized when your feelings had grown to the point of wanting to be closer than close with him and then suddenly, he felt the same.

Being in a relationship with Sanghyeok almost felt the same as just being friends, you were always together either way, but everything became more intense. When you were happy with him it felt like you could feel the joy oozing out your pores and everywhere, like you could never feel a single pain in life again. You never really did feel pain when you were with him, he always knew how to make it all better.

Some days you would meet him at school and see him with that girl, just talking as he walked out, and it would feel like the most excruciating pain just seeing them together. You never thought of yourself as the jealous type, but it felt like she had some sort of upper hand over you, being his parents’ choice, spending days at school with Sanghyeok, it somehow made you feel inferior.

You never did talk to him about these feelings because they felt dumb, but you couldn’t help yourself from feeling that way. He could sometimes see it on your face whenever she’d wave you both goodbye, he could tell you were still weary of her.

“Do you want me to stop talking to her?” He asked one of those days when you were headed to his place, you turned to him startled that he would think you would be so controlling but smile on his face revealed the humour.

“I really don’t have anything against her.” he nodded agreeing.

“If it reassures you in some way, she doesn’t like guys and I like you more than anyone else.” In some ways it did reassure you, even though you tried to act indifferent you needed to hear it, to hear that you weren’t the only one that felt those feelings.

Gradually you grew more confident in your relationship, his parents came to accept your relationship after seeing how committed the both of you were and you rarely thought about her, except the times you did.

Just as your relationship lasted through high school so did their friendship, and while you didn’t care as much you still felt cautious. With Sanghyeok everything was so simple, you often wondered if it would always stay that way.

After high school, you once again got separated from each other but this time on your own accord, you didn’t mind the distance between because you knew where to find each other in the end. Every chance you would get you would take that 5-hour train to see him, hold him till sunrise, talking about the exhausting college life. Everything would become so simple again, all you had to do was be together.

When he got his license, it was even better, you could walk out of your faculty building and just see him there, waiting for you like there was no other place you should be. You would take him to all the places you been wanting to eat in your new city, not having found off campus friends yet he became that for you as well.

So, your first year was quite enjoyable, studying was hard, and classes were a bore, but you were happy, you had someone. After your finals, you were ready to go home for the summer, spend it in good company and enjoy life. You had planned so many things together that summer, you could barely hold back your anticipation.

The initial plan was to wait for him to finish his own exams and from there he would pick you up and you would go back home together but you couldn’t wait, so you took the first train after your last exam. It would be a nice surprise, that was exciting, the idea of surprising him for once. You had forgotten what happened the last time you had a similar idea.

You had only one thing in mind and that was seeing him so the minute you got into town you took a cab to his parents’ place, sneaking in with your spare key. You had planned out the surprise so perfectly and then it wasn’t so perfect. At first all you could hear was her voice, so you followed it attentively, you saw her then him, Lee Sanghyeok.

You were ready to step in and go through with your plan, but something stopped you. The two of them together in his house wasn’t an unusual scene but him down on one knee brandishing a ring wasn’t. A proposal? You almost stubbled back, completely shocked, but you quickly regained your senses and walked out the house.

You had never walked as fast as you did that evening fleeing from the nightmare you had experienced, so many thoughts running through your mind as you sped to the main road to catch a taxi back to the station and out of the town.

Frankly you didn’t want to think, to think that you had been a fool for the entirety of those years spent together, that he could throw away your friendship so easily, that you wouldn’t know how to unlove him even after this.

 So, you cried instead, you cried more than you had cried your whole life in that one night, you wanted to understand, to make sense out of what you had seen but you just couldn’t. You sobbed quietly on the train and out loud in your apartment, you could feel your phone buzzing in your pocket, and you knew it would be him, checking up on you as he usually did, completely oblivious to the fact that you knew now.

After that night you tried to limit the tears, you had a life to live so you tried to continue living but when the tears would fall was out of your control. You would think you were finally catching your breath and then your cheeks would feel wet again. You kept your phone off indefinitely, you didn’t want to block him, that would mean the end and you were still holding on to the idea for some reason.

Turning off your phone consequently made you loose track of time, and forget plans, one of those days following the incident you got a knock on your door and your first thought was to ignore it worried it would be him, but the knock spoke.

“Hey y/n, it’s Donghyun. We were supposed to meet today you haven’t been answering your messages, I’m just checking in to know if you’re okay I guess.” Donghyun, you met him during exam period, your first off campus friend. You often hung out after exams just doing anything that felt doable, you enjoyed his company. You had promised to see each other before you left, before anything happened.

You walked over to the door in pyjamas, hair messy, eyes puffy, and for some reason you opened it. You gave him your best smile which probably looked like your worst.

“Sorry. I just—” you swallowed down the tears taking a deep breath, before you could speak again, he interrupted you.

“Don’t apologize please, I was honestly just worried.” He gives you the sweetest smile, putting you at ease in an instant.

“Do you want to come in? It’s actually kinda messy—”

“That’s fine.” Maybe it was the high from the dehydration but something about Donghyun made you feel slightly better, just in his presence you could feel the sadness wearing off. He talked to you about all sorts of things that had nothing to do with the state you were in, but it wasn’t because he didn’t care but he was willing to wait for you to tell him.

You never did tell him much, just that it was a love problem so it would take some time to heal the wounds. Even though he didn’t do much you felt taken care of, all you did was talk and yet you felt the best you had felt in 3 days. You ended up falling asleep there on the couch beside him and then he left.

Stepping out the door was the first time he saw Sanghyeok, both men were quite surprised to see the other, but Sanghyeok spoke first.

“Oh, are you Donghyun?” he nodded in response, “Is y/n home? I’ve been trying to reach them… I don’t know, I just want to know that they’re okay.”

“I think you should give them some space.” Sanghyeok’s eyebrows furrowed for a second, eyes dancing around Donghyun’s face with growing confusion.

“Did something happen…?” He asked hesitantly, Donghyun simply shrugged in response before walking past him.

“Just keep your distance if you care about them, I don’t think they’re ready to see you yet.”

So, he did that, hoping that one day you would come back to him, and it would all make sense. While you tried your best to think as little of him as possible. You didn’t know what to think so you chose not to think, at least you would not know if you had been fooled, living in complete ignorance.

That couldn’t last forever, as peaceful as it was to ignore the truth there would always be a point when you would have to face it and it seems like this is exactly that. With him sitting by you on the couch in your living room, a familiar spot for the both of you. All your questions ready to be answered.

“I saw you with her that day. I came back earlier, after my exams, I went to your house, and you were with her… I saw you with a ring.” He looks around the room puzzled, trying to remind himself of the scene you witnessed. Then he realized.

He let his hands push his hair out of his face in complete exasperation, sighing as he turns to you with an apologetic frown. You wonder if it’s confirmation, if his silence meant you were right all along and the harsh pain from a year ago comes back with a sharp cut at your heart.

“This ring?” He pulls out an engagement ring box from his pocket, you frown slightly confused, “I’ve been keeping it on me for a while, hoping that you would come back.”

“You know I asked for your parents’ blessing that same day…”

“But I saw you on your knee…”

“I was nervous,” he lets out a dry laugh, “I asked her for help a lot because I wanted it to be perfect, I didn’t think much of it because I only saw her as a friend.” Your expression fell flat, in some ways you felt reassured, but you realized you wasted a whole year just feeding yourself lies daily.

The fact that he tried to be understanding made you feel worse because he had every right to be mad at you. You had put yourself in this position from the moment you decided to act like you weren’t bothered by their friendship, because of that he never knew your feelings towards her so he never knew when a situation would hurt you.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me?” His brows furrow as he answers.

“I did. I was worried when you stopped answering me, so I drove to your place. Your friend was there, the one you brought, tall guy, he said you needed space… from me.” He never told you about this, a new feeling of betrayal hit you.

“I was still worried, but I didn’t want to worsen anything, so I accepted that…” Your frown deepens, biting down on your bottom lip as you turn away from him trying your best to not let the tears take over. “I do understand why you acted the way you did, but I wish you would have talked to me.”

You nod, you wish you talked to him too, you wish you told him everything from the moment you started to feel worried. There were so many nights you could have avoided crying yourself to sleep, so many times where he could have cleared your mind with reassuring words, but you didn’t say anything.

“I didn’t want you to think I was too demanding. I knew she was your friend but there was always that reminder in my head that she could have been something more and maybe she would have been better than me at it… I don’t know.”

“Nothing more would have ever happened between us because you were the only one on my mind. When I thought of love I thought of you.” He reaches for your face, wiping the tears off your cheeks. You lean into his touch taking a deep breath from the familiar feeling.

“Nothing has changed for me y/n. I loved you then and I love you now.”

“It hasn’t changed for me either.” You look into his eyes the way you always did so many nights before, complete sincerity in your eyes. You notice someone walk out the room and shift your gaze toward them, Donghyun. He looks at both of you on the couch, his gaze slowly drifting away as he notices your proximity.

This could be the last step in order for you to move forward in life without any regrets, you had to confront him. You excuse yourself and walk over to Donghyun in the kitchen, he flashes a smile as you approach him.

“So, you’ve made up I see…” you could hear the disappointment in his voice as held onto the glasses cup staring at the water in it blankly.

“Were you ever going to tell me he came that day?” he looks up at you in shock, surprised that you even knew about the encounter.

“I wanted to, but you were getting better, and I thought you wouldn’t want to be reminded of it, of him. I’m sorry if I overstepped.” Thinking about it, he was right you wouldn’t have wanted to hear about him. You shake your head with a soft smile; he was only ever good to you.

“Are you getting back together?" he asks cautiously, he isn’t sure he wants to hear the answer, but he asks anyway. You shrug with an innocent smile. “Can you not… get back together?"

Your eyes widen in shock at the question. He is serious, you can tell by the way he looks at you, inching closer as you stare at him mouth agape.

“Donghyun—”

“Let it just be a past experience or something. I will be your future; I know you feel the same way y/n.” You can’t find it in you to deny it, but you couldn’t deny your feeling for Sanghyeok either.

Before you’re able to speak up Donghyun steps back, pushed gently by Sanghyeok’s hand on his chest. Donghyun glares at him pushing his hand off making Sanghyeok sigh loudly before turning his attention to you.

“I won’t force you to be with me if you’re in love with someone else. Just be honest with yourself, okay?” Sanghyeok tells you, you run your fingers through your hair, completely thrown off by the whole situation.

“I need some time.” You walk out of the kitchen and out the backyard to the beach. You sit there with your thoughts, trying to organize them, trying to understand how you felt but you loved them both and that wouldn’t work.

The decision seems impossible, being faced with two different options. Choosing between your first love and a new love should be an obvious choice but you didn’t know what it was you wanted. Still, you had to make up your mind. The choice is up to you.

; @serejae @gluion

[manicandobsessive]

Icarian | L.H.

Chapter 1: Wildflower and Barley

"Springtime from my window. Another month has not much longer now. The sun hesitates more on each evening's darkening. Would all things god allows, remain above ground? Like grief and sweet memory, wildflower and barley." - Andrew Hozier Byrne

Prologue > Ch. 1 > Ch. 2

A/N: Thank you for the love on Nobody's Soldier! I plan on doing a taglist so comment or message to be added. Sorry this took so fucking long life was kicking my ass, I'll try to get chapters out as much as I can. I wanna make sure I give y'all some high quality stuff though. ANYWHOOOOO enjoy ch 1!! <3

Warnings: Fem!human reader, Logan has attatchment issues, Swearing, Mentions of religon, Jean Grey slander

WC: 9.5k

The only things you could hear were the light bristle of the trees and the occasional chirp of the birds. The smell of spring and promise of summer that came alongside it brought you more serenity than one could imagine. Especially when peace in your mind never meant much to you. It was seemingly impossible. But now, here, you finally felt it. 

Of course, some days could be better than others. You still felt the lingering effects of all you’d been through in the back of your head. Their words, their actions, none of that truly ever went away. But spring brought in a form of quiet you hadn’t experienced- ever, and you could at the very least appreciate that.

The light warmth of the sun blessed your skin, the breeze made some stray strands of hair fall in front of your eyes. You’d made progress, and that was enough for you. You still were able to recall the days where being alone without brain stimulation was almost dangerous, the presence of a distraction was your lifeline more times than you could count. Those times were when the thoughts became too loud, and the noise- nothing short of overwhelming. Be that as it may, Charles’ mansion had gifted you a part of yourself that you never knew existed. 

You never could express how grateful you felt, although the bastard probably already knew. Prodding around your head and all. 

The distant laughing and shouting of the kids playing their games made you flutter your eyes open. A grin tugged at your lips due to the sound, simply seeing them happy made you happy in return. It reminded you of the better times, those rare moments when everything else had faded to nothing and all you were left with was joy. 

However, the fragment of a memory wasn’t ever going to be enough to provide you with any lingering desire to return to that.

You slowly sat up, purposefully avoiding the dizziness you dreaded from lying down for a long period of time. You felt noticeably calmer than you were when you ventured outside in the first place. And as an added bonus: no feeling like the world was spinning on its axis. 

You ran a hand through your hair to lazily brush it back to its original style. Allowing it to freely cascade down your back and frame your face. You then stood up, adjusting the waistband of your jeans and tugging your shirt back to a comfortable position. Cracking your neck and back, and leisurely picking up your belongings. Those being no more than a pair of headphones, a book, and a water bottle. 

While you never really read, you enjoyed pretending to.

You casually strolled back to the mansion, a content manner about you. All you could think about was how much you loved spring and the way you had felt lighter on your feet. You couldn’t even remember why you were so furious in the first place-

Nevermind.

The second you opened the door to the back gardens. The one used specifically to enter and leave that part of the school. The weather damage and the grating sound when used was proof enough. That all went out the window.

Upon entering the school, you made eye- if you could even call it that- contact with the single soul responsible for said anger. 

In an attempt to pass by him without a word, you swerved the other direction, keeping your chin held high. Your things were clutched close to your chest. It was in his best interest he didn’t speak to you, and yet- he still did.

Leave it to Summers to not take a fucking hint. 

He said your name with an odd mix of assertive-caution. You rolled your lips and turned back to face him, finding yourself a good enough distance away that you could excuse yourself at any moment easily. 

You can handle him. It’s fine.

“We need to talk.”

Or not.

The way he- without fail, managed to irritate you with a simple phrase was honestly impressive. If not for your underlying urge to break his goddamn nose.

“Not in the mood.” You replied shortly, rolling your shoulders backwards. A half-assed effort to prevent yourself from saying more. 

“Don’t be like that.” 

The both of you were honestly surprised you hadn’t made an attempt to take his life yet. You couldn’t help the involuntary raise of your brows at his tone. It was a silent warning- to him. You’d hoped he’d gotten the message. 

“You know I just want what’s best for you-”

Shocker. He didn’t. 

Blah blah, you tuned it all out as you typically did when he began his meaningless lectures with those 9 words. You were quite simple minded, conflict-wise. If you didn’t want to speak to someone, you didn’t. If they didn’t respect your request, you didn’t care to hear what they had to say. It’s just how you worked. He could at least try to accept that. 

“Listen,” you started, cutting him off. It was better he quit, or forcefully resigned, while he was ahead.

“Last I checked, you’re not my dad. Or my older brother. Or any person that holds any type of authority over me in general. You don’t technically have a say in any fucking thing I do. That being said, if I do decide to go out on my own, it’s really none of your goddamn business. For your information, I simply asked out of basic respect for Charles. But I won’t. And I mean won’t, Scott, tolerate being talked down to because of something as basic as that. Understand?”  

He cleared his throat, his expression hinted to you that your response was the absolute last thing he expected out of this conversation. You were normally a patient person, understanding even. It seemed he’d pushed you well beyond your limits. He opened his mouth to reply, to which he was cut off, yet again.

Except this time, it wasn’t you.

“Listen Slim, she asked ya to shut up. So for everyone’s sake, will ya?” And there, out of thin air, appeared Logan. You’d learned his name was, after the- very- brief interaction you’d had with him no more than a few days ago.

~

Scott obnoxiously cleared his throat, as he does when he’s uncomfortable. Or when the room’s attention is focused anywhere that’s not him and him alone.

Both you and Logan came back to your senses, you shook your head softly. Promptly clearing your mind of any wandering thoughts. Logan mentally facepalmed at his inability to keep his mood from switching so suddenly. 

Not his fault you were fucking breathtaking. The man was practically rendered speechless. Still, he returned the scowl to his face, easy enough to do with Scott right there. He was extremely unwilling to let anyone know he was just about ready to plan your wedding in his head. That would stay locked away forever.

“Logan, what exactly do you need?” Scott questioned, his attitude even more disgusting with the new presence in the room, you’d noticed. You could metaphorically cut the tension between the two with a knife. But there you silently watched, as if it were your favorite reality show. Your arms stayed crossed in a subconscious state of defense, curious as to why this ‘Logan’ guy had to interrupt so overdramatically. 

“Where’s Chuck?” Chuck? Who the fuck is-

Oh. Charles.

 He’s one of those.

“Like I said before, what do you need?” Scott replied in a way that you could only equate to how parents speak to their children. Which seemed to irk Logan on even more than he already had been. “Ya ain’t the fuckin’ professor, Summers.” He responded with a tone that made you bite your bottom lip to hold in the laugh threatening to escape you. Despite your distaste towards the man for interfering in on your conversation, you had to admit that was kinda funny. 

“‘M gonna ask ya one more time,”

And that was your queue to leave. You weren’t keen on fighting, or watching others fight. And you had a feeling staying there, blatantly eavesdropping, would result in something you didn’t want to be a part of. Especially with how big Logan was. Or with the way he was burning holes into Scott’s head and essentially growling with those last few words. 

~

You let loose a sigh of relief, thankful that someone had stepped in. Finding yourself even more grateful that someone was Logan, who from the all of 5 minutes you’d heard him speak to Scott, knew how to put him in his place. 

Most likely because Scott knew he’d end up with a broken rib, or 4. 

“I’m just explaining-”

“Buddy,” Logan clapped his hand on the man's shoulder in the most sarcastic way he could. He treated Scott like a little kid. And in many ways, he may as well have been. “I’ve been hearin’ ya talk to yourself for the last like- 2 minutes. She clearly ain’t interested.” 

To that, you snorted a small, tiny, miniscule laugh. One Logan, to your surprise, caught with a smirk. Whilst Scott was too wrapped up in his own humiliation to pay much attention to anything else. He brushed off Logan’s hand and muttered something that sounded- almost- like an apology to you, before scurrying away. Most likely to pester someone else about rules and whatnot. Seriously, how does the guy walk normally with that huge stick up his ass?

Logan folded his arms, running a hand down his face in a display of pure exhaustion before facing you. You snapped out of your daze, your eyebrows lifting to a softer, less agitated expression as you glanced up at the man.

Was he this tall when you last saw him?

You huffed a small laugh, and an appreciative smile graced your features. One Logan found more attractive than his conscious mind was willing to accept.

“Thanks,” You spoke up first, making his smirk widen just slightly. If you weren’t so observant, you wouldn’t have caught it. But you did, and it made your heart beat just a tiny bit faster. 

“‘S no problem, darlin’.” He replied, making you bite the inside of your cheek in turn. The nickname didn’t go unnoticed, and yet all you could do was stand there and nod.

Fucking talk you moron.

Your inner thoughts shouted at you to say literally anything. But, with the intimidating presence in front of you, you couldn’t utter a string of words, let alone one single response. You opted for the easiest way out:  a curt nod and walking the opposite direction of where you assumed he was headed. Avoiding this would make things easier, even if your room was on the entire other side of the building. (and you’d have to make a complete turn around once you were out of sight.)

However, his voice stopped you in your tracks. The smooth way he spoke made the hairs on the back of your neck stand at a full 90 degree angle. It was deep, rough, but gentle in a way you couldn’t put a finger on. Unique.

“Yeah?” You turned back over your shoulder at the call of your name. Your voice- by some miracle- projected the confidence you so severely lacked at that point in time. You patted yourself on the back for it, mentally. 

How did he know that? The sound of those syllables coming from his mouth sent a harsh rush of warmth directly to your cheeks.

“Right?”

You couldn’t help but cock your head sideways. Completely clueless to whatever the hell he was talking about. Maybe you were too in your own world to hear him.

Damn it.

“Sorry, what?” 

You felt idiotic, “what” being your response? The best you could give was that?

“Your name. That’s it, right?” He replied, chuckling to himself at your display of confusion. It was cute, that much he’d admit. For now. 

“Oh,” The realization hit you like a brick wall to the face. “Yeah. Yeah that’s it.”

 You scratched the back of your neck, taking a careful step towards where Logan stood, rooted in place. He carried himself with such a quiet confidence, something you’d admired right away. You had wondered what made him that way. Maybe the fact that he looked like he could throw you across the room and not break a sweat was a factor. Or maybe he was just that type of person. Or maybe it was all an act. But who were you to say?

He shot you a playful smirk and nodded in acknowledgement. You didn’t seem to notice the quick once-over he did, or maybe you just refused to come to terms with it, he thought. Surely you knew how gorgeous you were. There was no room for debate on that. He was enamoured with everything, your entire way about you, it was making him melt from the inside-out. 

You felt the need to continue the conversation, to learn more about who he is. “You’re Logan?” You inquired, knowing damn well that of course, he’s Logan. Who else would he be?

Truthfully, it was the only string of coherent words that came to mind at the time. 

“That’d be me, darlin’.”

There it was again. 

Was he doing this on purpose?

From the wry look he gave you, the teasing glint in his eyes- he most certainly had been. And, matter of fact, he was enjoying it.

He liked the way your face flushed, the way your eyes widened slightly everytime a nickname fell from his lips. He wondered if you had never been shown that type of affection, one that most would brush past. You may not have noticed, but he sure as hell did. He found himself fond of the little quirks you had. Even after speaking to you for all of 10 minutes. 

You nodded, pursing your lips to prevent the smile ready to likely invade your features regardless. You then bit your thumbnail, something you did when you were nervous, and glanced around the hall you were both in. Finding the wallpaper pattern suddenly more interesting than ever. The intruding thought of how awkward you had been took full control of your senses.

“How long’ve ya been here?” His voice broke through your thoughts- yet again. He, too, wasn’t quite ready to let go of this interaction. 

You gave him a sidelong glance, a minor twitch of your lips signaled to Logan that you were just as intrigued as he was. Which then gave him all the confirmation he needed to take a calculated step towards you. Now at a much more comfortable distance, he could see the features of your face even closer. And fuck were you making it hard to keep it cool.

You shrugged slightly, your body didn’t move much, if at all. He was slowly coming closer, inch by inch. And somehow, you were completely okay with it. You welcomed it.

 You turned your body to face him, fully. He was clad in nothing but a grey tank top that highlighted his muscles almost too perfectly, paired with a well worn pair of jeans, and a belt that had a large and slightly rusted buckle. He looked rugged, but effortlessly striking nonetheless. 

Quit it. 

Your brain needed to shut down those thoughts as fast as they started. 

He, however, noticed the once-over you gave him. The way you took in his appearance- it made him bashful, almost. The inconsolable undertone of nervous-excitement that jolted through his body at the exchange was far from casual. He still, however, returned the gesture- a risky one at that. Though you didn’t seem to pick up on it. Once again.

It would frustrate him if he didn’t find this little game entertaining. But regardless, he undoubtedly found you wearing a simple pair of high-waisted and slightly baggy jeans with a basic white t-shirt all the more attractive. 

“I think it’s coming up on five years now. That I’ve been here.” 

He nodded, raising a brow at the response, visibly confused. 

“What’s that look for?” You laughed, mirroring his expression more teasingly. You were quickly opening up to him. Small bits of your personality shining through the facade you hid behind. How he managed to do that? The answer was beyond your comprehension.

“Nothin’, doll. Jus’ seems like I woulda remembered ya.” His voice alluded to something more. Almost as if he were studying you. Trying to see through you- it felt. Or being suggestive, in a way. Was he flirting?

“When did you get here then? I’ve never seen you before.” You took another step forward, hesitantly.  His eyes still scanned your exterior as if he was racking his brain to find any memory of you. 

“‘Bout 7 or 8 years ago, seems like I’ve been missin’ ya though.” 

You nodded, biting your cheek again. Unknowing of how to respond to something like that. You’d never seen or heard of him much prior to the interaction days ago. And you guaranteed you would have at some point. “Yeah, seems like.” You replied softly, now looking him over in the same manner.

Absolutely not a chance in hell you could’ve forgotten someone like him. 

His demeanor changed just slightly. His face went from one of intrigue, to confusion, and finally, realization. Your heart began to race, you wondered if it was something you’d done. Already fucking up something that hadn’t even started, sounds like you. 

“Sorry, doll. Prof’s callin’ for me.” He cut through your overthinking in a split second. You allowed a smile, one of relief, to cross your face. He found the sight endearing, noting the way you relaxed at his reassurance. He’d keep that in mind for later.

 You hummed in understanding and stepped around him, “I’ll see ya around?” He asked, turning over his shoulder to look at you again, a ghost of a smile in return to yours. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll see you Logan.” You turned back around, walking with purpose to your room. The way you said his name- ever so sweetly- was sure to be on constant replay in his head for the remainder of the day.

 Probably the rest of the week, if he was being honest with himself. 

~

Logan didn’t bother to knock on Charles’ door. The man knew The Wolverine was on his way, he was bound to be prepared for the chaos that would ensue. He briskly slammed the door behind him with a deafening thud. Crossing the room in a few strides to finally stand in front of the professor’s desk. The moment he’d come all this way to fucking Westchester, New York for. 

“No need for the dramatics, Logan-”

“Save it.” He cut past the small talk rather fast. He never had the time for that shit, and now less than ever. His arms folded in front of his chest defiantly with a distinguished scowl. His anger was more present, the venom in his tone was palpable. 

“Why am I here?” He tapped his foot on the hardwood flooring, awaiting a response that was more than likely to piss him off more than he already had been. Charles still kept his composure, his unwavering patience working doubletime against Logan’s obvious agitation. 

“I’m afraid you already know the answer to that, my boy.” Charles simply responded. 

This fucker always had to talk in riddles. 

He thought that mainly for himself but he was convinced Charles heard it as well. Simply based on the amused sparkle the old man had in his eyes.  Even more to his irritation. He knew the professor found it entertaining. His inner dialogue would 100 percent get him locked away with anyone else, but the professor? He reveled in it. Some of his funniest memories were simply prodding around Logan’s mind. Logan knew this to be true, even through his denial of it.

“I don’t. ‘M not settlin’ down ‘ere. Quit askin’.” Logan huffed, not only at the idea but also the knowing look in Charles’ eyes. Always carrying himself like he’s more educated on something Logan didn’t quite understand yet. Which isn’t entirely untrue. He did carry one of the strongest minds in the world.

“What?” Logan regretted the word- immediately, he knew this man would have some smart reply. Some profound revelation that would have the power to turn his world upside down if he let it. Most times he couldn’t help it, it’s just who Charles was. And who he was: a telepathic genius with a blunt way of speaking. The two factors did little to counteract the other. Logan could appreciate these qualities in the man, he respected him for it. Most didn’t have the guts to tell Logan what they really thought about him. But Charles, he never so much as hesitated. However, when it was something Logan didn’t want to hear? Well, that very well was a foolproof plan to end in disaster.

“I believe you may have some reason to, after all.” The professor sat back in his chair, a lax smile still ever-present on his face. The sight making Logan feel small in his own body. Which was ironic for a man of his size. Logan rolled his eyes, scoffing in the process. No way Chuck was trying this. 

“If you’re implyin’ what I think-”

“I’m simply speaking the truth, Logan. You have no need to worry, your secret’s safe with me.” 

Was he really kidding with him? 

That had to be a fucking joke.

“‘M stayin’ until ya have another mission f’me, that’s it.” His words were short. He was beyond done with this conversation. The man was trying to get him to admit what? He wanted to be here? Logan knew better than that. Settling down would never be for him, it could never be for a man like him. He'd come back here for an assignment, take it, and leave. And the cycle would repeat until he decided it didn’t. That’s how things worked for him. On his terms, no one else’s. He wasn’t ready for all that. The emotional aspect of things, sacrificing his pride. For the sake of having a place to call home? 

He’d rather be shot 47 times. 

“You’re quite stubborn, you know,” 

And he did, boy did he ever. That was the one thing he didn’t completely resent about himself, his ability to stand strong. But now, there he stood, waiting for the words that were inevitably about to leave the professor’s mouth. Good or bad, he was positive their small amount of time together would end there for the day.

“You and her have very much in common.”

Yeah, he was done. 

He mumbled something to the effect of  “‘M not fuckin’ dealin’ with this.” and exited the office less than quietly. The man had no right, especially peeking around in his head like that. And even if he claimed not to, there’s no chance in hell he would have brought that up with no rhyme or reason. Logan hoped to hell his thoughts about you were that loud, so loud the professor couldn’t help but call attention to them. But he knew, oh he knew that you were lingering longer than welcome in his head. And he also knew he wasn’t opposed to letting you stay there.

~ 

He grumbled to himself all the way to his room, only stopping for a second when he ran into Jean in the hall. For some odd reason, he always stopped to talk to her. Probably the need to impress her, the all but obvious crush he once had festering for the woman in front of him keeping him cemented to the ground whether he wanted to or not. 

“Woah, there big guy.” She naturally took hold of both his broad shoulders and looked up at him with those eyes he’d found himself thinking of a little more than he should’ve in the past. She knew about this infatuation, and without a doubt, every time he came back it made waves in her’s and Scott’s relationship. Logan always noticed. Always.

Her teasing smile made his muscles contract just slightly more than they had been previously. He ran a hand through his hair and took a respectful step backwards. He muttered nothing more than a straightforward: “Jean.” To which she smiled at and crossed her arms in front of her, her tongue ran over her soft pink lips. He knew she did all of this on purpose, only wanting to get a rise out of him. It seemed like an urge she had. At least from what Logan observed. Like she needed to feel that power over him. She’d rejected him time and time again. Making it known she was only for Scott, yet he found himself back where he started once he’d returned. Every. Single. Time. 

Which- may or may not be part of the reason he started coming around less and less in the last few years. 

“What brings you back this time, huh?” She stepped towards him, cocking a brow out of curiosity. He’d hoped. “Chuck. Last mission ‘s done.” His tone was clipped, uninterested. Despite his former need to please her, the constant nagging to chase- he felt nothing. Much to his relief, and slight confusion.  Jean, alternatively, wasn’t having any of it. He could tell by the sudden shift to her expression. He saw the way her eyebrows dropped and her posture slumped by just a little. Logan, well, he couldn’t have cared less. He was already pissed, the added pressure of her emotions was about as unappealing as they could be to him at the moment. 

He tried- and failed, to take a swift step around her form. A shot at leaving her standing in the hall and heading to the confines of his room without so much as another word. All he wanted was somewhere he could close his eyes and take a fucking breath. 

Seems like she had other plans. 

“Are you upset with me?” Her voice was fake, oh so calculated. So unlike the version of her he’d gotten to know all those years ago. She’d changed so drastically since he had given up on the idea of them. Since he decided the hope of being more than friends was practically useless. He was nothing but a game to her, he knew that. He just took a long time to come to terms with it. But after the last time he’d come back, it sealed the deal. He was over it before anything had even started. For the better, of course. One of the rare occasions when he’d chosen the logical answer: his own sanity.

He turned his head slightly, not bothering to even make basic eye contact with her, and he responded assertively. “‘Ain’t doin’ this, Jean. We’re friends, keep it that way.”

And with that, he left her in the hall. He ignored the glaringly obvious strain of  guilt gnawing at his gut for being so cold to the woman he once was convinced he had loved. A story for another day.

 But he still couldn’t find it in himself to give enough of a shit to turn around. 

~

You knew that it wasn’t a good idea. The minute you stepped foot outside the threshold of your room you wanted to abort the mission and go back inside. The warmth of your bed called to you like a siren. It was appealing, for once. The longing to stay home clawing at the inner workings of your mind. Yet, your own stubbornness had stopped you.

Typical.

Dressed in leggings and a black sweatshirt- a pathetic attempt at being stealthy, you made your way downstairs. You didn’t so much as take a breath, to your knowledge, when you made your descent. Managing to shock yourself with your unusual lack of clumsiness. Which was near impossible for you to achieve on a good day. The creak of the stairs, if any, was unnoticeable. Though your anxiety still got the better of you as you bit your bottom lip in anticipation of something- or rather someone, finding you. For some reason, you still continued forward. At this rate it was to rub the fact that you’d left successfully into Scott’s stupid face and nothing more.

Your keys were stuffed in your bra in hopes that it would muffle the sound of them jingling before you had pulled them out to get into your car. In retrospect, a ridiculous idea. No one would be awake at that hour. 

Slowly but surely your sock-covered feet made contact with the mansion’s main floor. You allowed yourself to breathe a light sigh of relief. You’d made it one step farther. Although, your escapade was far from over. 

Logan, ever the insomniac, heard you the instant you opened your bedroom door. His razor-sharp senses picked up on the smallest of sounds. Though involuntary, it did come in handy at times such as these. His head snapped from where he was idly watching the movie in front of him. Some bullshit about ‘little women’. Nothing he actually needed to think about, just a way of sidetracking his brain, whose thoughts were ever-present and frustrated him to no end.Because why would he even attempt to sleep after a day like today? 

He slowly sat up from his otherwise comfortable position on the couch. Leaning closer, towards the sound of muffled shuffling and the distress of the old stairs. His eyebrows furrowed in concern as he watched you make your way downstairs from the floor of which your room remained. He nearly chuckled at the sight of you looking like an amateur robber in action, completely oblivious to his intense stare. 

He’d stop you, but he was enjoying this far more than that movie. 

As you “silently” shuffled to the garage door, he figured it was time to step in. He respected you being an independent woman and all, but for your own safety he was fairly certain he should at least know where you were headed. He couldn’t have Scott on his ass knowing full well he let you just up and leave like that. 

He gradually stood up, his stride not so much as taking you by any form of surprise when he saw you laugh to yourself in the seemingly safe space of the driver’s side of your car. He found it charming, even if he was five seconds away from scaring the lights out of you. 

“Where ya headed?” 

You shrieked, jumping back so far that you collided with the headrest. Hard enough for you to consider having a concussion. The asshole just watched and laughed. With your eyes tightly shut, you rubbed the back of your neck in a half assed effort to either soothe the oncoming headache or uncross your eyes. You weren’t quite sure which one it was.

“Christ..” You muttered, the expression more to yourself but Logan, of course, had heard. He found it even funnier than the original reaction he’d gotten out of you. A true, rumbling chuckle blessed your ears. 

In turn, you lightly fluttered your eyes open, glancing over at the towering man staring down at you from the outside of the car. You blinked again, just to be sure that it wasn’t some odd hallucination. Or that your brain wasn’t damaged to the point of fully dreaming.

You opened the door, stepping outside of  the car rather shamefully. You felt like a kid again, getting reprimanded by her mother. Your face was flushed full of embarrassment, and you kept your eyes to the ground. Not willing to see the look on Logan’s face at the moment. 

“Don’t let me stop ya, bub. Jus’ heard somethin’ from the livin’ room ‘s all.” 

Those words had you unable to resist lifting up your head to find a lighthearted expression on his face. He truly wasn’t mad or disappointed, like you expected him to be. And he genuinely had  found the situation amusing, which seriously relieved the tension in your body. At least from what Logan had noticed. 

You shook your head softly whilst directing your attention back towards the floor. You laughed purely in a self deprecating manner. “Was planning on sneaking out,” You muttered, coming to the realization that the phrase sounded even worse as you said it aloud. You were absolutely sure he thought you were acting like some rebellious teenager. When, in all reality, you had every right to come and go as you pleased. No questions asked. 

“Dunno why, just needed an escape.” You lifted your shoulders in a slight shrug, feigning nonchalance. You felt the need to explain yourself, despite Logan’s lack of incessant questioning. You were used to a lengthy lecture or consistent interrogation from Scott, sometimes even Jean. It built nothing in your relationships except for resentment. Ororo handled things with grace, she’d always made you feel validated. She had a way of empathizing that the other two had lacked severely. If you’d had one person to call a true friend, it was her. All three of them were around your age, yet Scott and Jean still treated you like you were nothing but a liability. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. You’d asked for your freedom. As simple as that. Nothing more than the right to be your own person. And for some odd reason it always ended worse than it began. Needless to say, you’d given up on the dream. You instead focused on what you could control. Which unfortunately led to being generally lonesome in this place. These defenses were clear as day to Logan, but he refused to push you on them. He understood the frustration of being seen as someone unworthy of trust over their own facilities. He’d been experiencing his entire life. He rather simply allowed you to speak uninterrupted, and replied with nothing more than a nod when you were done. To your surprise.

“They don’t let ya out often?” He raised the question, he’d been genuinely curious to what the situation was. Was this what you and Scott were fighting over the other day? He didn’t have any need to let you know he was eavesdropping, but he’d assumed the latter. You didn’t come off as a difficult person, he doubted there had been much that you and Scott disagreed on. Or at least fought over. His assumption had been correct. Even if the man was insufferable.

“Don’t make it sound like I’m a patient in a ward, Logan.” You laughed at his choice of words. His own lips quirked into a soft smile and he uttered a gruff ‘sorry’ in return. You casually shut the door to the car, no longer careful of not being loud, and walked back inside the mansion. Promptly, and with significantly less caution than you’d had prior. Logan found your laid-back switch in demeanor compelling. He had to bite back a grin in admiration. 

Nothing was really ever that deep to you.

You strolled back inside, Logan in tow beside you plainly. The silence between you two wasn’t awkward. It was simply a quiet that could be shared between people who have been friends for years. Who knew each other and were comfortable in that. And for someone on the outside looking in, it might’ve seemed that way.

“You’re watching Little Women?” You scoffed, a bemused laugh escaped you as you turned to Logan from the middle of the living area. He stood at the door, leaning against its frame with a deadpan expression. Trying his damndest to act serious, but when he saw the laugh you gave him, it chipped away his attitude immediately. The way you so effortlessly got under his skin was remarkable. 

He grunted and pushed off the wall, stalking towards the couch. Lazily, he rounded it to flop back down onto the space he was resting moments before you showed up. Not that he was mad about it. You followed absentmindedly, your body sprawled out in a chair adjacent to him. You leant on one of the armrests, while your legs hung off the opposite comfortably. As if it were an everyday occurance. The act was domestic, natural. That had been the thing you’d predominantly picked up on with those minor interactions with Logan, no action was forced. Not to you at least. You didn’t know it, but he had thought the exact same. 

You picked at the flaking polish on your nails whilst Logan sipped on the half empty bottle of beer he’d found in the very back of the fridge. He thanked himself silently for having left it there the last time he’d come back to the mansion. Beer had been one of the few items essential in his day-to-day life. No matter where he took residence. Addiction? No. Just a sense of consistency with something. It reminded him of a time he couldn’t necessarily put his finger on, with amnesia and all. But it felt like something he’d always done. Even with the nagging of Charles about his “No Drinking” policy. 

Logan broke the silence with an annoyed grumble of “This movie’s bull.” To which you gasped in dramatic horror. It made Logan’s head snap your direction, unsure of what the hell he’d done to set off that reaction. As he met your eyes, he was relieved to see the playful smirk on your face. Obviously playing up your surprise, but you looked offended nonetheless. 

“You don’t like Little Women?” Your eyebrows knit together. Your hand laid flat on your chest in a manner that made him snort a very brief laugh while he placed his beer back on the coffee table in front of him. He liked that you made him laugh. And it was never forced, he wasn’t the type to fake something to spare another person’s feelings. He gradually switched his attention between you and the movie, folding his arms and relaxing back into the sofa with a huff. “Jus’ ain’t gettin’ the point.”

You all but exaggerated an eye roll, which made him smirk all the wider. You scoffed, responding in the most matter-of-fact tone he’d ever heard. “The point, Logan, is to show the lives of these people. How they went from girls to women. It’s empowering. And that doesn’t even begin to explain the majority of the movie.” You explained, which had succeeded in intriguing him, though he tried not to show it. He followed, rolling his eyes in the same exaggerated way you’d done, and scoffed to himself. 

“Empowerin’ my ass. I still don’t get it.” 

You groaned in mock annoyance, but you actually enjoyed telling him these things. You loved when you could banter and your counterpart could keep up. And you loved even more that he let you talk, and he asked intelligent questions. He was a great listener. Even if you didn't necessarily realize it was because you were someone worth listening to.

It goes without saying that the majority of that night involved explaining the plot of Little Women to Logan. And him finding he did like the movie, after you’d talked him through it of course. 

Though, he may have only liked it because you looked so happy to talk about it. 

~

It was well past 4 A.M. when you and Logan had simultaneously decided it was about time to go your separate ways and attempt to sleep. You’d highly doubted that you’d get any type of beneficial rest at this point, but you were willing to at least try. 

Your more frequent yawns and half-lidded eyes were a distinct indicator to Logan that you were ready to break off and head to bed. But, on the contrary, you were hesitant to end this- thing. Whatever it was. You really enjoyed his company, and he, yours. There was no need for deep talks, no pressure on gauging the other person’s thoughts, just getting to know each other on the most basic of levels. It was refreshing. 

After he- reluctantly- admitted to liking the movie, you continued to speak about everything and nothing. The conversation ranged from music taste, to books, to debating over who the best 70’s rock band was, and even sharing the tiniest crumbs of your inside life. By tiny, it was literally nothing more than he already knew. And vice versa.

And while you both didn’t want to admit it, you felt yourselves craving to know each other on a deeper level. 

Logan, always and forever being the gentleman, insisted on escorting you to your room. The gesture was nothing but innocent. And a way to spend more time around you. It was pretty late- or really early, after all. He cared for your safety, as he did everyone’s. He tried to rationalize with himself that that was the reason he’d offered. 

Maybe part of him also wanted to know where you stayed.

Much to his disappointment, his room was on a completely different floor. Maybe he’d see if someone wants to switch with him. You guys could end up being good friends, what’s the harm? What if you’d needed something in the middle of the night? 

He would, however, keep those thoughts to himself. He was a bit obsessive, maybe a hint of possessive, but all in good conscience. He did have some animalistic tendencies after all. Who could blame him? Your presence was intoxicating. He was addicted to your laugh, your voice, your scent, just- you. 

“‘Night, sweetheart,” He placed a hand on the doorframe, a small distance from where you stood in the doorway. You smiled ever so delightfully upwards. Eyeing his towering figure in front of you. You found the man- who not even 72 hours ago you thought to be intimidating and slightly off-putting, now charming and someone you were willing to get to know. 

He returned your expression, a hint of a smile dusting over his strong features. The soft look he’d had in his eyes made your heart melt, though you made the excuse that he was just tired. It couldn’t possibly be anything else, right? 

No. 

The nickname, on the other hand, would have you giggling to yourself once he was out of earshot.

“G’night, Logan. I’ll see you around?” You asked almost casually, but the hope in your tone didn’t pass by his notice. He felt his heart clench involuntarily in his chest, like a damn lovesick fool. He nodded, attempting to play it cool. He couldn’t have you know you were the first person his heart raced at the idea of seeing again since he’d lived in that god-forsaken place. 

“Yeah, see ya ‘round.” His voice was soft, saying your name. But rough in a sense of a serene thunderstorm. The type of sound that could lull you to sleep. And you’d let it happen. 

You quietly stepped backwards into the confines of your room, smiling sleepily as he walked away. You shut the door. Sighing to yourself, and flopped face-first onto your bed. You expected tonight to go so much differently than it did, but you weren’t exactly upset at the outcome. In fact, you were more than giddy he’d caught you leaving earlier. A flutter of something you weren’t quite ready to admit yet crossed your heart and face when the memory popped back into your head. 

You attempted to sleep. Which you deemed near impossible after 5 minutes of tossing and turning. Instead, you opted for spending the remainder of the night binging some comedy show on your TV and drifting back to the thought of Logan.

Were you really that down bad already?

He, luckily, wasn’t any better off. The absolute second he left your presence and the hallway where you resided. He all but dragged his feet to his own door. He longed to go back to you. To talk to you, make you laugh. It was a strange feeling, something he wasn’t sure he’d ever known. Which, for having been alive for well over a century, was saying something. He would refuse to speak that into existence. The words would stay locked away in the depths of his soul until further notice. He didn’t want that mess of emotions, despite how drawn he was to you. He knew already that you deserved someone that would be a match for you. Someone sweeter. Someone to rely on, to fall for truly. Someone that doesn’t have as much baggage as a hotel lobby. He didn’t think he could ever be that, for anyone. No matter how hard he may have tried. And he surely couldn’t ruin you like that, you were too heavenly. Too angelic.

Nonetheless, those ideas wavered and he’d had a restful sleep for the first time in years that night. 

~

The gentle call of your name stirred you awake. You fluttered your eyes open the slightest bit.

“Hey,” 

You squinted, the sun unforgivingly shone directly into your line of vision. You rubbed your eyes, mumbling incoherently. Slowly, you sat up and took in your surroundings.

Shit.

You must’ve fallen asleep on the couch earlier in the day. 

Seeing as you didn’t sleep a wink last night, your current state made perfect sense. 

As you looked around, sleep addled as ever. You noted that you were, in fact, in the living room. Resting on the same couch Logan had been talking to you from the night prior.

Now why the fuck was he your first waking thought?

“Glad you’re back. The hell were you sleepin’ on the couch for, doll?” You snapped your head to the sound of the voice. A wave of nausea hit you as the blood rushed to your head. And lo and behold, it had to be Logan, standing behind your choice of a bed for the day with a concerned furrow of his eyebrows. His voice, however, held a hint of amusement that made you huff a laugh- even having been as exhausted as you were. 

You ran a hand through your tousled hair. Surely, you’d have to have looked disheveled. It just had to be him who found you this way. Lucky you. 

“I, uh,” You yawned, in spite of the hard nap you’d just taken. Kneading your closed eyelids with your knuckles. You scrunched your nose and blinked up at him. Caught completely off guard with the way he was looking at you. 

He found it adorable.

“Didn’t sleep last night, guess I did here. Is it still Tuesday?” You wondered aloud, which made Logan chuckle deeply. The sound sent a shiver down your spine. 

“Still Tuesday. What’d ya stay up for?” He spoke as moved from behind the couch and sat on the other side of it. You pulled your legs into yourself to make room for him, as you were just fully taking up the space a moment before. He would’ve been fine had you stayed in that position. Much to his surprise since he’d hated physical contact.

“Couldn’t sleep.” You shrug, your vague response made his amused smirk slightly drop from his face. He leaned back with narrow eyes, giving you that familiar look. The one that made it seem like he was trying to read your mind. It made you nearly crack a smile. Was he really that concerned?

“’S real vague, darlin.” 

To which you laughed softly in response. Lowering your head back on the armrest to look at the ceiling. The relaxed smile on your face was unwavering, guess that just reflected your emotions around him.

“Well.. I wasn’t going to blame anyone,” You started, making Logan raise an eyebrow in amusement. The sight made your stomach flip. Somehow every expression he’d made only enhanced his attractiveness. 

“But, someone kept me up all night talking.” You finished, nudging his thigh playfully with your foot. You weren’t entirely sure what made you so willing to act in such a way. But he didn’t feel like a stranger, and you took that as an invitation. Logan, with his quick reflexes, caught your ankle. Making you breathe out a small gasp followed by your radiant smile. He then tightened his grip ever so slightly, noting that you didn’t attempt to pull away. 

“That so?” He taunted in return, the playful back and forth turning into something more. Something charged, unspoken. The tension between you both was clear.

“Mhm,” Was all you could reply, through the fit of laughter you were desperately trying to suppress with a tight-lipped smile. You tried to wiggle out of his grasp, only to be met with an even stronger hold on your poor ankle. He was still gentle, not on any mission to hurt you. Ever. He had unbelievable strength, that much was obvious by his toned muscles that were unnoticeable. The way his large, calloused hand completely engulfed your ankle had your mind- and heart, thudding out of your chest.

He could hear it, too. It only stirred him on more.

He practically dragged you towards him, his own boisterous chuckle added to your light giggling. A symphony that was more beautiful than the pearly gates of heaven themselves. 

Whilst caught up in your play-fighting, if you could even call it that. More or less a battle you were bound to lose. You’d failed to notice the figure that was lurking in the hallway. 

Jean had heard Logan’s laugh, a very rare one at that, from down the hall. Not to mention the way your own mind was screaming with unexpressed affection. A sentiment that was sure to bubble to the surface at some point, though you forced it into your subconscious. 

Jean walked with a stride so light that even Logan with his sharp senses couldn’t pick up the faint click of her heels. She stopped abruptly when she caught a glimpse of the scene in front of her. It made her stomach churn with a sickening jealousy. So this had been why he disregarded her that easily. The reminder of her sour exchange with Logan only added fuel to the fire. She’d been dwelling on it for days. It was an unfamiliar territory, the lack of two men’s attention. The constant chase and the way she’d had him wrapped around her finger. 

Logan was so caught up in that moment with you that he couldn’t even pay attention to his surroundings. That of which included the unmistakable scent of Jean’s floral perfume. The smell was pungent, often overwhelming to the average person. Let alone someone who could find things like that from miles away. Logan ignored it all those times for the sake of being around her. It wasn’t impossible, not when he found her being there otherwise entertaining. Or comforting. He wasn’t sure. 

But now, seated next to you. So intensely captured by what you offered. He wouldn’t dare to compare you to her. He’d realized then that Jean never gave him comfort. What he felt around her was never comfortable, this was. 

Nothing had ever come so easily to him, never in his life.

Jean, opposed to whatever you two had been feeling, had used his distraction to take advantage of him. Prying around in his head for a nanosecond. He was unbelievably sensitive to that type of thing, she knew better than to try something like that. But she just wanted an idea of what was going on. Evidently unhappy with what she found, she shut the investigation down immediately. 

She masked her frustration with somewhat contentedness, purposefully interrupting the pure exchange happening between you and Logan. With a smile, that is. 

“Having fun?” She asked from behind the couch, where Logan was before moving to be closer to you. Her voice was saccharin, laced with hostility. Logan’s smile instantly dropped at the recognition of her voice. With a clear expression of agitation, he silently let go of you. At the loss of contact, you readjusted yourself, trying to regain your composure as well as possible.

The very obvious red flush on your cheeks made it difficult.

“Somethin’ ya need?” Logan questioned with no shot at patience, he knew Jean all too well. Yet, he was in no rush to jump back into her good graces. Which was unlike his former need to please her. He used to be by her side at the drop of a hat, ready to give or do anything for her to give him a fighting chance. He had realized it was a lost cause long before she’d caught on, clearly. 

“Professor wants you.” She stated, with a pointed look in her eyes as she averted her gaze to you. You stood up, collecting your bearings briskly with a bewildered look on your face. Jean simply shrugged, a half-hearted effort to seem clueless. Though Logan’s glare towards her was unforgettable.

If looks could kill. You thought.

You then excused yourself quietly, but with grace. You weren’t scared of the professor, and you sure as shit weren’t scared of Jean. Her ulterior motives meant nothing to you. You and her never had been more than acquaintances.  You were civil with her as she was with you, and that was the extent of your relationship. 

Logan’s eyes followed your figure desperately. His body deflated as you retreated from the room. Your warm nature replaced with a chill. He swore the room lost its color when you left, and he’d hoped you were as disappointed as he was for being interrupted.

He shot to his feet when he was sure you were out of earshot. His problems with Jean began long before he knew you. He was well-aware you weren’t to blame for any of this, and he was intent on making sure you found out about their history on his terms. Not through any of Jean’s petty antics. 

“Logan, wait.” She pleaded, her voice much less harsh. He closed his eyes, his chest rising and falling with an exasperated breath. His knuckles turned white with the clench of his fists. 

“What,” He turned slowly, his strong eye contact making Jean wince. They both knew what she was doing, and Logan, most of all, knew damn well he wasn’t about to let that go. He could hold a grudge. And in this case, he had every right to.

“Y’know what, no. I don’t got any time for this.” He waved her off as he decided he wasn’t in the mood for her groveling. Without a second glance, he left her to stand alone in the living room. His frustration was evident, his anger resurfaced. Damn her for ruining the little slice of happiness he’d gotten. 

He was sick of it. Beyond through with the immaturity of her actions. Every memory came flooding back. Each thing he’d let go with an excuse. Every time he apologized for something she had been at fault for. He-

“Hey! Wait.” He sighed when he heard a breathless voice moving in his direction. Exasperated, he shifted to see who needed his attention now. 

Suddenly, the cloud above his head dissolved into the sky and the gentle gaze returned to his eyes.

God, you were gonna be the death of him.

“Professor didn’t need much, figured we weren’t done talking.” You caught up to him, slightly red in the face and still attempting to catch your breath. And he found you beautiful. Even more so, in earnest.

“If you want to hang around me, that is.” You finished, a teasing way of hiding the regret you’d felt for the rambling you’d just tortured him with. He simply looked at you, tracing every detail of your face. Committing you to memory. You had to be an angel. A sweet temptation sent there to ruin him.

 You were unable to decipher what the hell the man was thinking due to the fact that he hadn’t spoken yet. Maybe you came off as desperate, you did run back here to find him, anyways. Oh fuck, what if-

“‘Course I do, sweetheart. Nowhere I’d rather be, if ‘m bein’ honest.” 

He’d fallen into step with you easily, his reply caused your lips to break into the most shit-eating grin. You’d be embarrassed, if only he wasn’t looking at you in the way he was. Like you’d just given him the fucking moon. 

Hell, you already felt more important to him than you’d ever felt to anyone in your life.  

[nrdmssgs]

To my beloved ones who need this

This last 24 hours, I saw a concerning amount of 'if he wins - I'm ending my life' messages. I will understand, if you don't feel like I have a right to talk about this situation, as I am not an American citizen. But if it's cool with you - I have 8 things that helped me personally to stay, when things around went south.

Give yourself time to mourn. You have every right to feel like you feel right now. Even if you couldn't take part in what is happening. This is your life and it matters. Cry openly at home if it's a safe space. You can share your feeling with me, if your home is not safe. Eating your feelings up may sound like a good strategy in a short run, but it will have a backsplash later.

Don't give yourself too much time to doomscroll. I don't mean this like 'don't read the news at all'. I know, It's extremely hard to control this, but this is important. Give yourself time. Like 'ok, I'm doomscrolling from 1 to 2 pm. After that, I'm writing that fanfic, reading that book, shopping for groceries'.

Do mundane household things. Right now, it might feel like you don't have any control over your life. Like tomorrow, angry people come at your door and burn you. I understand, where does this come from, but I also understand that this feeling can grow into an all consuming fear, that might end you. So it is important to fight over this sense of control. 'I am in control of what I'm eating today, I am in control of what bedsheets I'm sleeping on today'. These are very tiny things, but they might help you from sliding down the fear.

Walk. If it's safe for you - please go out. I know, it doesn't cure depression, but I promise you, forcing your brain to analyze new information (new scents, dynamic surroundings) for maybe an hour a day helps in keeping yourself from circling around one damaging idea.

Acknowledge, you are not alone in what you feel right now. One of the scariest things your brain can decide right now is 'I am alone, I'm surrounded by enemies'. The truth is, you are not alone in this. There are millions of people mourning with you right now. Concentrate on them. If it helps - watch streams with their demonstrations, read their articles, do anything to not forget, they are out there.

It may now seem like you lost some of your relatives and friends. Don't forget that you don't have to force yourself to communicate with them right now. But also don't forget that you are not obliged to declare 'from now on I don't have a father/granny/sibling'. Maybe you will burn all the bridges, maybe with time you find some way to talk to each other despite what happened. Don't force yourself to choose right now because it's a very hard thing to do.

Make a small plan for 6 months from today. And I don't mean 'plan every week'. No, do a little thing. Buy a cinema ticket or a train ticket to somewhere not too far from your home, sign up for a 'prettiest origami contest', ANYTHING. But it must be not for tomorrow, it must be a long term plan. This little anchor might give you a little help.

Right now, it might feel like this is the end. But as someone who was there more than once: I promise you, this is not. This is not necessarily the end for you personally when a tyrant comes to rule your country, when he brings to life the most inhuman laws, when he starts a genocide. I don't mean this as 'stop whining, you softie, you are exaggerating this'. You are not exaggerating. As well as many people in Europe weren't exaggerating, when they acknowledged 1. September 1939 as the day, when the Evil took over the world. There are some diaries left from that time, that end abruptly in 1942 or even 1944 with the author taking his life, declaring, that this heel of a war will never end. But we all know that September 1945 and the war was over. Our task right now is to live to that day.

I love you all. I mourn with you.

[mouthwashinggoodendingau]

chapter 2: psych evals

Staring at the board filled with silly posters as a false 'we care about you!' from Pony Express, Curly contemplated just giving her the fake, overly cheery mask he usually put on during the psych evals. If he answered properly, and she questioned his mental status, Jimmy would likely be put as temporary caption. He shuddered at the thought. He'd rather Daisuke as a temporary captain, even with his inexperience.

"God, I know you hate these psych evals, Captain; but I would prefer you to not just repeat the same answers as last time... Can you please try this time?"

Anya sighed, grabbing Curly's hand. It felt strange to even have hands, let alone someone touch them - after the months of staring at the ceiling. The specifics of how he was here now though, had made him spiral into a tizzy; desperately trying to figure out if those memories were real or if it was a warning from some past life.

"You know me too well, Anya. I can't make any promises though. Don't want good ol' Jimbo acting as captain if I'm off my rocker."

He grimaced at that thought, but a twinge of guilt tug at his heartstrings. If his memory served him correctly, Jimmy had already impregnated the poor woman, but she hadn't had the courage to talk to Curly about it yet. Fuck, if only Curly had just- not struggled when Jim did what he wanted to him. If only he'd laid there, instead of trying to tell the guy, "I got you a new job, isn't that enough? What more do you want from me?". The logical part of him laughed at the thought. Jimmy would've done it anyways. Jimmy still came in, night after night, when Curly told him that enough was enough. But he couldn't just get rid of the guy. He'd stupidly recommended the guy as his co-pilot, and now Jimmy was needed in case something happened to him.

"... Yeah. I uh.. I like your authority better, Curly. You're a good guy."

Anya whispered, loud enough so Curly could hear, but quiet enough so no one else could. He looked down, analysing her now sombre face. She fidgeted with the callouses on his pointer, nervously trying to distract the both of them to avoid further discussion of that. Curly laughed nervously, attempting to take the hint,

"So, what's our first question, Dr Anya?"

She grinned, letting go of his hand to grab the checklist and her favourite pen, white with flowery stickers adorning it.

"You flatter me. Anyways the first question is.."

Anya scanned the page, clicking the pen as she read the words.

"Do you have any issues sleeping, or eating?"

Curly stared at the floor, guiltily, her eyes following his. He coughed, clearing his throat nervously, trying to keep his accent from messing with the clarity of his answers. These damn evals were recorded, in case the company decided to sue the crew for potential damages caused on the trip. They especially hated his mixture of a Scottish/Australian accent.

"Yeah, I've had some trouble getting to sleep, but I always stick to my 5 regulated hours. Haven't had any issue eating, other than the usual trying to force down slop."

That was a lie. Even before the crash, he'd had maybe 3 hours of sleep on a good day, and those came rarely. 30 minutes was his regular, and that left him with some of the worst headaches and brain fog. The brain fog was honestly the worst part. Everyone needed something from him, day in and day out, and he wanted to give them the best version of himself he could manage but the fog made that pretty damn hard. He ate sometimes, when he could stomach it. In a fucked up way, it was kinda funny. On Earth, he ate pretty much whenever he could afford it. Jimmy used to tease him for it, but he'd jokingly punch the guy in return, telling him "Oi mate, you can make fun of me when your gains are as nice as these." Now, he was a shadow of his former self, a shell of the brilliant, strong Grant Curly. He couldn't admit that on the cameras though. Anya tapped him on the wrist with her pen.

"Grant? You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm alright, Anya. Let's continue."

She sighed, switching the camera off. Curly flinched at the fizzling sound that echoed from the old camera.

"Curly, I'm serious. Talk to me. None of this has to go on the records."

"Anya..."

She stood up, walking over to kneel beside him. Despite being Russian, she was still relatively short. He thought it might've been the half-Japanese in her.

"I want you to talk to me, as a friend, not as your nurse. I haven't seen you eat breakfast in at least 3 months, and your light in your room is always on when I walk back to my room right before the moonlight screen transitions to the sunrise screen. I know something's wrong."

Curly turned his head, guiltily avoiding eye contact. He should be the one saying that to her. He should be the one sitting her down, asking her what's wrong, comforting her and telling her he'll really find a way to deal with Jimmy. He should've done that a long time ago, and yet it was her doing it for him, instead of him doing the damn right thing and doing it for her.

"Curly, please look at me. I'm... I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to help you."

He made a small, stupid noise reminiscent of a pained whimper, and turned his head to look at her.

"It should be me instead of you, Anya. I'm so sorry"

Anya flinched, using her elbow to catch herself from falling. She looked on the brink of tears, heaving with every breath.

"Come.. Come again?"

"I should've never gotten him the job. I should've just let him do it to me, instead. I should've just taken it, instead of fighting back every night. I-I should've bargained with Pony for locks on the damn doors, for anything to protect you. I failed-"

"Stop. How do you know what he did to me?"

Fuck. What excuse could he tell her? "Oh yeah, in a past life I failed you and didn't do shit against Jimmy, and so I know he did it. Oh I promise I'm going to fight against him, and find a way to protect you, when I've already failed you twice." Curly fidgeted with a loose curl hanging by his ear.

"I uh.. I took a short course in training that detailed these sorts of... incidents ."

"Has he been.. doing the same thing to you?"

Curly tugged on the curl, panicked.

"No, no it's not the same. He told me he needed it, and that he was at risk of hurting our friends, and now crew if I didn't let him have it.. so I let him, for a couple years. It's not the same as yours."

"Just because you 'let him' do it, doesn't mean it was consensual. You didn't want him to do that."

Curly stood up, blood rushing to his head as he did so. He'd deal with the 'almost passing out' part later, if he could help it.

"Can I give you a hug, Anya? I think that's enough of me talking"

"Huh? Oh uh.. sure. That would be nice."

He wobbled over to her, vision blurring with black spots. Curly hated when that happened. The dizziness and the tremors were fine, but the black spots that flooded his vision were the worst.

"You never deserved any of that, Anya."

Curly hugged her, pulling her close to him, but leaving his grip light enough so she could bolt if she needed to. She sobbed into his chest, flooding the tacky blue fabric with tears. He stroked her back, drawing circles into the crevices of her spine.

"He start-started off nice at first. He told me I was a wonderful nurse, and I would.. make a great mother."

She choked up on the last part, shaking even more with every word.

"I didn't mind, but he kept complimenting me, and the compliments got even more sexual, and I ended up telling him I didn't.. didn't like him like that, and he lashed out, and at first slapped me. Then he'd sneak his way into my chambers at night, after offering me a cup of tea, that I later found out was drugged, and he'd have his way with me. I-I.."

A knocking rang at the door, loud and harsh.

"It's been a fucking hour in there, assholes! Hurry the fuck up, cause some of us have places to be!"

Jimmy. Anya's sobs grew harder, now clawing at the fabric on Curly's back, yet she'd practised hiding the sound of her cries. He couldn't let Jimmy see or hear her like this. Curly yelled back,

"Your schedule's practically empty. What places are you fucken plannng to be?"

He heard a barely controlled cackle, and a violent bash on the door.

"Dickhead, you changed it so I would teach Daisuke some basic flight skills! Come out here and look at it, smart guy."

Curly looked down at Anya, who stared back in fear.

"Lock the door behind me."

"I don't want him in here, Curly."

God no, he wouldn't force Anya to face Jimmy. That'd be the absolute worst thing he could do right now.

"No, that's not what I meant. Give me his psych eval sheet. You stay in here, and lock the door when I leave."

She paused, pushing herself off him.

"No! He'll do something to you, I know it."

Curly sighed, pushing the fear down into his stomach. He'd deal with that later. Right now, he needed to really be a captain. And that would start with not letting Anya be in the same room as her abuser.

"Captain's orders, Anya. I mean it."

fic link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61405324/chapters/157084453

[starfall-spirit]

My gwynriquin offering is nonexistent in no shape to post yet, but my intended Secrets offering works for today as well.

@polyacotarweek Day 1: Beginnings

I like to pretend something came out of the line, "As High Lady, you are mine." This is part one. Still SFW. Part two will be NSFW. Enjoy!

Read on Ao3

As High Lady, you are mine.

Feyre couldn’t get that damn declaration out of her head. Sure her dear friend and training partner had listed every member of the inner circle as loyal people that would come to her defense, but had the second half of his statement been plaguing her thoughts for the past two weeks? Was the second half of his statement making her fearful to drop her mental shields around her own mate?

No.

Cauldron, what she’d give to forget the words he’d so casually thrown that morning. To go back to seeing him as a big brother figure and not an attractive male fueling… curiosities.

“He was frustrated with us,” she muttered to herself. “That’s all.”

“Who?”

She jumped from her seat at her desk as Rhys strolled into the office they now shared. “Rhys. I thought you’d still be out training.” The clock behind her chimed noon. Perhaps she’d just lost track of time, as Rhys was clearly bathed and changed out of his training leathers.

“Az and I finished some time ago. And you’re dodging my question.” Gliding over to the desk, he hooked an arm around her waist and pulled her into a tender kiss that only fed her guilt. “If something’s bothering you, I’m always here to lend an ear. Is it something that happened in Spring? A nightmare returning?”

“I’m fine. Nothing like that, I promise.”

He gave a soft hum, sinking into the desk chair and tugging her into his lap. “Alright then. Can I ask one more question?” She nodded, wrapping her arms behind his neck and around his waist. “Cassian says you’ve been a bit distracted lately. Distancing yourself during training. I’ve noticed as much at dinner as well. He fears he’s upset you somehow.” She grimaced, turning her head. “There it is. Care to share your troubles?”

How was she supposed to say this without doing any damage?

“If you’ve had a petty argument, the bonds in our circle run deeper than that.”

Feyre flinched. As careful as she’d been with her shielding, he’d found a crack to snake past. “I don’t want to hurt you,” she whispered. But this secret couldn’t be kept forever. Not without weighing her down. Rhys said nothing, silent and patient, one hand stroking up and down her spine as she carefully structured her confession. “Our bond is mere months old. I want to say up front, I don’t expect anything to change or open.”

He raised a brow. “To open?”

“He said something the other day,” she began again, desperately wishing she could hide her face as she confessed her horrid desire. “It was something in his tone. His phrasing. Gods, you’re really going to make me say it, aren’t you?”

Rhys wasn’t an idiot. She knew she’d given him enough crumbs by now to pick up on what had been bothering her. Humiliated, she buried her face in her hands, trying to find the words that would inflict the least damage.

That is until she felt a silent vibration against her shoulder and all brain function came to a sudden halt. Her mate was laughing at her. Daring to raise her eyes, she found an infuriating smirk on his face. “You aren’t upset with me?”

“For finding Cassian attractive? Hardly.” His smirk shifted to a more thoughtful expression, the hand rubbing her back spider-walking up her spine to summon a soft shutter. “I’ll admit, with the bond being so new I do find myself feeling a bit possessive. Very possessive,” he amended as she gave him the look. “Glare all you like, darling. We both know you don’t mind it as much as you pretend to. As short a time as we’ve been bonded, I know what it does to you when a male calls you his.”

“How did you…”

“You’ve been exceptional, solidifying and holding your shields. But no one’s perfect, my love.” Feyre groaned, the sound soft, but expressing utter mortification. “Not to mention I got a nearly identical lecture the day Cassian was well enough to stand on his own and yell at me for not dragging you home from Spring. When there’s physical attraction and emotional connections mingling, there’s only so long you can pretend it’s something platonic.”

“There’s no way you’re just… accepting this.”

“It doesn’t thrill me, considering the fresh bond, but it doesn’t plant any doubts about the two of us or my relationship with Cassian. The question now is how interested you are in exploring this. Do you want to approach him about it?”

Feyre thought a moment, reading into the tension in the set of his shoulders, the slight change in his breathing, the set of his jaw. He’d put his feelings aside for her, as he always had, but he was not prepared to open their relationship in any way yet, and truly assessing her own feelings, with her confession behind her, neither was she. “No, Rhys. Not yet.” ~~~~~ Several weeks later, Feyre was struggling to stay true to her denial. The problem, Cassian had volunteered to substitute for Azriel in her flight training, as the spymaster was outside of the city for the next two days. To put it simply, while she had improved several required skills in flight maneuvering and wasn’t constantly plummeting into the lake, she still needed correction on multiple points in her form and technique.

While Az had taken a verbal approach to providing pointers, Cassian appeared to be a bit more hands on. He asked for her consent, of course. Illyrians were taught not to touch others’ wings without permission from an early age. But with that permission she became hyper-aware of every little adjustment and guiding touch to her wings, conscious of the heat of his body behind her.

She’d grown used to the close proximity of their daily physical training and fit into it easily enough. Her attraction to him hadn’t changed anything on that front, once her guilt had faded. But this wasn’t the short and sharp impact of a fist or a brief moment being pinned to the mat—though the latter could be hard to brush off at times. This was downright intimate.

His thumb graze the ridge of one of the more delicate bones, prominent from the back of her wings, finally fracturing her resistance. “I think…” She cleared her throat. “I think this should be the last attempt today. Like you said a minute ago, the winds are picking up and I have a lot to catch up on. The official things, I mean.”

He quirked a brow. “Official things?”

“Court things. With Rhys. In our office. You know, official things.”

His eyes narrowed for a moment, but he nodded when she held her position. “Of course. One last try, like you said. And remember what I told you about the updraft coming in.” She nodded, but was still thrown off, wings angled in a way that did the exact opposite of what she was attempting. “It’s a tough one,” Cassian told her, trying to ease her frustration. “And Az was right. He’s probably a better instructor for you with his experience.”

Feyre didn’t bother pointing out this was no longer about mental blocks. “Thanks, Cass. I’ll see you.”

The second she winnowed to the townhouse and found Rhys, she knew she had his full attention. She didn’t care for the clear suspicion on his face either. “Interesting flight lesson, Feyre darling?”

“It was somewhat successful,” she said honestly. “Until the winds picked up.”

He nodded, tugging her flush against his chest. “And was Cassian able to instruct you as well as Az?”

“His methods were different, but worked well enough.”

“Different?”

“Not as verbal,” she gritted out.

“Ah.” He smiled into her neck. “Starting to see how easily you can torture a male, touching his wings?”

She smirked, even as he grazed a nail over the sensitive joint where the membrane met her leathers, summoning a shiver. “You’ve made that no secret,” Feyre murmured, folding one side of his shirt collar down to flick her tongue over the skin she exposed.

Growling softly, Rhys drew back, raising her chin. “It’s going to take more than that if you’re trying to distract me from what I felt through the bond. The tension slipping through.” She winced. “Did he notice it? Return it?”

Feyre blinked. Despite the results of their original conversation, he almost seemed hopeful. “If he did, he hid it well.” They both knew Cassian would never be the type to get between them. Especially considering he was clueless to Rhys' stance in all of this. Hell, Feyre couldn’t quite figure it out yet either. “Rhys—”

“I don’t want to hear an apology regarding any of this, Feyre. And over the past few weeks I’ve been reconsidering the thought of sharing you.” His fingers curled around the back of her neck, his thumb stroking down the side of her throat. “Reminiscing our wild youth.” Her brows shot to her hairline and he chuckled. “In five-hundred years, you try a thing or two.”

She nodded. “So, if I wanted to try a thing or two?”

His lips curled back into that soft smirk, his mental shields parting. “Show me.”

~~~~~

Taglist: @lulling-night-sky // @edgyellie // @stars-and-scripts // @shallyne // @the-lonelybarricade // @darling-archeron // @goddess-aelin // @the-lost-changeling // @faeriequeensuriel // @pandavelaris // @s-uppertime // @elentiya-whitethorn // @acotar-fanns // @jealousveronya // @acourtofwips // @reverie-tales // @gwynkyrie // @corcracrow // @thelovelymadone

[jolyne-best-jojo]

After sleeping on the JJK ending l honestly still can't believe GeGe made a character as good as Gojo and then fucked up the ending that bad.

You create this really fun and interesting character who's goofy but cares a lot about his students like making them play a sport instead of individual battles after an attack on the school. A guy who wants to create a better world but doesn't hesitate to send his students into dangerous shit in hopes of letting them grow and become strong to help create that better world and someone so selfless that he prioritising saving lives over taking out the villains which directly leads to him being captured and when he's freed he actively asks what happened to the people he was protecting.

When Gojo comes back from being trapped and instead of giving him some character development with the entire month there was before the Sukuna fight GeGe basically just skips straight to it. Like wtf? I want to know how Gojo feels about how him holding back his domain led to the death of one of his students, the traumatisation of another, a third getting burned severely, a fourth losing their arm and a fifth losing their body to Sukuna alongside one of his friends dying. How does he feel about Maki reaching her potential and reaching Toji, the man who beat Gojo so bad at 16 that he was forced to learn reverse techniques, level? What about Kashimo? Both he and Gojo are the strongest of their eras yet the pair never talk about how it feels to be the strongest. And then instead of this we just skip to the big fight which ends with Gojo getting killed off-screen and then being insulted by his friends. Like wtf was up with Nanami saying Gojo didn't care about protecting people or continuing sorcery and cared more about fighting? Because that just isn't what you read in the text of the show when he promises Megumi he'll try to save Yuji's life after being asked, monologuing about wanting to train stronger sorcerers to restart the shitty world of Jujutsu society and holding back his domain to 0.2 seconds to save innocents in the subway leading to his trapping.

And that's not mentioning GeGe having Gojo hype up Sukuna as being super strong and how he might have lost even if Sukuna didn't Megumi's technique instead of, idk, caring about the fact his students are now gonna have to face Sukuna? I've seen some people try to claim that him mentioning how he's taken care of Megumi finding out about his dad even if Gojo himself dies but that offhand comment isn't really enough for me, he doesn't give a single thought to Yuta, Yuji or Maki as the three have to face the strongest sorcerer there is when it'd be interesting to see what he thinks of them at the end of everything.

And then there's the bait, holy shit, what was the point of Yujo? You have Yuta defile Gojo's body by putting his own brain into it, have him fight Sukuna, land Gojo's ultimate move, have it do basically no fucking damage because Yuta's inexperienced (just firing a red at a blue to make an impromptu purple was enough to take out Sukuna's arm and that was the first time Gojo ever tried that), then he just falls down because his body control technique is burnt out from using domain expansion and after that they set up Kenjaku having had a way to not have to deal with this problem and never mention Yuta again until the fight's over. What a stellar display of capitalism using characters popularity to make money while giving no respect to the character Yujo is.

And then Gojo isn't mentioned again until two letters given to Megumi and Nobara which gives basically no development to their relationships with Gojo, especially Nobara given her letter is about some new detail we didn't know about her (no relationship with her mum) and then she just rips the letter up. And then at the very last chapter we get a conversation flashback between Gojo and Yuji about how Gojo thinks one day his students will forget him and Yuji tells him he'd never forget Gojo with Gojo replying "Haven't we had enough Gojo Saturo" no GeGe, we haven't, because you haven't given him a proper arc.

Gojo's arc is about the question of "is he the strongest because he's Gojo Saturo or is the Gojo Saturo because he's the strongest" a question some people think is about whether his skill is what made him the strongest or if it was just the powers he got at birth. But what it's really about is is being the strongest just one part of Gojo or is Gojo just the strongest. And this is never really properly addressed, the only way it really is points towards Gojo just being the strongest because that's what is said about him by his students, another school's student and one of his colleagues that he's the strongest, after he dies fighting Sukuna his corpse is used as a means to keep fighting Sukuna and no one ever really honours all Gojo's done for them. Meanwhile Sukuna gets to have this whole conclusion where he decides that him losing means his ideals were wrong and that in the next life he'd follow a different path. Some people have tried to say this is fair as Sukuna's the main villain and Gojo's a side character but Gojo isn't just a side character, he's JJK's most popular character, some of the main JJK memes involve him (Nah, I'd Win, Throughout Heaven and Earth I alone am the honoured one) and he's basically the face of the show given sales dropped after his death and it just sucks so much to see such a good character not get a proper conclusion.