#i promise that reading this will give you brain damage

[actual-changeling]

if you do not follow/haven't seen my recent posts, i really recommend you read this one and this one before continuing, just to make it hit the right way.

also reminder that i have an ao3 right here (and it's not all pain, promise!)

sorry in advance :)

-

the more time passes, the easier it is for joel to talk about sarah. it still hurts, always will, an old bullet buried in his heart surrounded by scar tissue, but except for a few memories, words don't make him bleed anymore. tommy tentatively starts bringing her up once he notices that joel no longer flinches when he mentions her name, and it feels good to breathe life into their shared experiences, his brother the only one who comes close to understanding his pain but also the joy that colored their years.

ellie asks, too, just as hesitantly as tommy at first, but soon her curiosity takes over and not a day passes by without a question in-between sentences about his past. joel answers all of them, stories spilling from his lips and spinning themselves into a sarah-shaped web that he can share with her.

"she played soccer, right? when did she win her first competition?"

there's a few sports teams in jackson, and of course the soccer one caught her eye, making joel dread all the twisted ankles and bruised shins he was going to have to tend to. getting grass stains out of sarah's uniforms had always been a task and a half, and eventually they both stopped caring about it and just watched them pile up, turning white fabric a greenish-brown.

joel opens his mouth, the coffee cup in his hand hovering above the kitchen table, and then he stills, every muscle in his body turning to ice.

ellie's joel? is drowned out by the ringing in his hears, knuckles turning white and gripping the porcelain so tightly he can feel it crack in his palm, and he must have stopped breathing because his vision is growing fuzzy, black dots scurrying in his periphery.

joel lets the cup fall more than he sets it down, stomach turning, bile rising in his throat, because ellie asked him a question about sarah, his sarah, and he doesn't remember the answer.

it can't be, right? just a small gap in his memory, nothing big, it'll come back to him in an hour and he'll tell ellie about it later. but the panic squeezing his chest is real, terror slithering up his neck and curling around his ear whispering what else did you forget?

more than ever before, he tries to think back to all of it, from the first time he held her in his arms to the moment he buried her, and something odd happens to him when he finds that so much of it is. blurry. frayed at the edges, burned holes and white blotches obscuring important and unimportant details alike, memory an old role of film decomposing in the back of his mind.

the color of her baby blanket (blue, it had to be blue, he can't see), the first movie he watched with her, her favorite book in primary school, the way he did her hair on the first day of kindergarten, the friendship bracelets they made together, the posters on her wall, the dress she wore to her first dance (purple right? right?), memories surfacing as his panic cracks him open like an earthquake, and joel tries to cling to them, nails scratching at the parts that should be there but aren't until he tastes blood, desperation growing and growing because he is forgetting her.

"joel you're scaring the fuck out of me right now what's wrong?"

ellie's voice is distant, and he hates worrying her, hates the almost hysteric edge beneath it when she repeats herself, hands squeezing his shoulders, softly, first, then harder when he doesn't respond. all of the years that he didn't even know she existed, memories she has that he never will, all the firsts and buts and what ifs and failures that define a childhood, their innocent light fractured into vivid fantasies by the stained glass window of life. he has had all that and more with sarah, clung to it in the after to remind himself that she is real, that he is still a father even with his daughter buried by a nameless river.

it is all he has left of her, the childhood she never got to outgrow, and it's fading in a mind that has mourned her for longer than she got exist.

not for the first time, joel wishes he hadn't flinched, his brain worthless if it allowed sarah to fade away. without ellie bound to his heart, he would have tempted fate again for that alone.

-

"who hurt you" too many people to count and luckily tumblr lets me make it everyones problem

[sitepathos]

I've been thinking about a what if for gold and mold

It's pretty simple

Let's say one of the Batfam was chasing killer croc and they come across reader and they managed to save his life

So reader begins to get clingy with them, but not in a sweet "were family again" no, reader is very traumatized and uses them to remind himself he is still alive.

So he's not hugging them, he's clasping their forearm with enough strength to leave a mark, because he wants to make sure he can still move his hands.

And he talks to them, but not about their day or something like that

Reader is asking then simple trivia/math equation, to make sure that he can still have a conversation,

So while the rest of the family is jealous of the time they spend with reader, the member in either is horrified or tries to take advantage of the situation (depending on which member the scenario is for, I decided to keep it in n general)

What do you think? Is it interesting?

A very interesting idea! Hope you don’t mind if I add onto it a little! In this scenario, you were still shot, but were rendered in a brain damaged state and the Batfamily picks up the pieces. And because you weren’t thrown into the cavern by the thugs, you don’t meet the Megamycete. (Note: this will provide insight into the Bats for future chapters. Read at your own risk.)

The Bats had been looking for the Joker, but instead found Killer Croc and gave chase, following him to Gotham Woods.

He forced his way into an old cabin and as they approached it, heard a gunshot, forcing them to surround it and enter from all directions.

They didn’t know what they expecting, but seeing you, lying on the floor with blood pooling around you and surrounded by three thugs and Killer Croc.

The sight of you, his baby boy, spread out on the dirty floor of this disgusting cabin, dying, fills him with a rage, one that burns brighter than his rage for Joe Chill.

In a flash, he takes all three thugs down, leaving Croc for the rest of his children while he carries you out of the cabin and rushes you to the Batcave, already telling Leslie Tompkins to be there with her med kit.

When the others return to the Cave, they see him looking over the doctor’ shoulder as works diligently to bring you back from the brink of death.

As she works, Bruce calls Alfred and inform of what happened, causing the butler to tear into him from the other side of the world.

When Alfred yells at him for not being a good father and ignoring you for years, guilt lands on all of them like a sumo wrestler.

When they look at one another, asking when was the last time any of them talked to you, they realize that they knew less than nothing about a brother that’s been living with them for years.

They sit around the cave in silence for hours, drowning in their collective guilt and promising that if you make it through this, things would be different

They’d give all the love and attention you could handle and more, including you in their post-patrol meals, taking you out on the town, and spoiling you rotten.

They’re only brought out of this state when the doctor exits the surgical suite and tells them that she managed to stabilize you and extract the bullet from your brain, which made the relax.

But when she said that you were brain damaged, stuck inside your mind, only able to speak phrases from your memories, they all felt the world around them collapse.

They made plans to make up for their years of neglect and beg for your forgiveness, and now, they can never atone for their sins.

Dr. Tompkins provides a few places they can admit you to, ensuring you’d be given the utmost care, but Bruce declines it immediately.

“He’s a part of our family and we’ll care for him,” he vows.

He has you moved to a bedroom on their side of the manor, an empty one next to his, to be precise, moving all your belongings and buying anything he thinks you’d like in hopes that some part of you would feel at home.

They all move back to the manor to care for you and abide by a schedule that took them hours to decide on.

Alfred is the first one to enter your room everyday, placing your breakfast in your feeding tube and helping you use the bathroom and change your clothes.

He insists on doing this, no matter how much the others beg to take his place, because he feels ashamed that he failed in his responsibility to you.

He knew that the family didn’t pay you the attention you deserved and thanks to his lapse in judgement, you’re reduced to a shell of your former self.

He’s resigned to doing this for the rest of his life, hoping to make amends.

Bruce always comes just after he finishes, sitting next to your bed, talking to you about anything he can think of, hoping that somehow, it would get you out of this state.

It doesn’t, of course, but he always listens when you mutter about whatever your mind allows you to say.

He notices that you tend to talk to him about your Momma more than the others and he feels like even more of a failure.

Truth be told, he didn’t remember your Momma, at least not until he looked her up.

She was an up and coming writer he had met at some fancy party, they both had a little too much to drink and that’s how you came to be.

When he looks back at how he treated you when you first came to live with him, he wants to go back in time and beat the living shit out of himself.

You lost your Momma, were forced to leave your home, and all you wanted was your father to make you feel like you weren’t alone.

He wasn’t man enough to do the bare minimum.

He lets his tears fall while he wipes yours as you say, “Momma’s in heaven?”

“Yeah she is, baby,” he whispers. “But don’t worry, Daddy’s here.”

Dick pulls out all he stops for his big brother act.

He comes in, taking over for Bruce or standing in when he has to leave.

“Hey, baby bird,” he exclaims every time he enters. “How’s my favorite little brother doing today?”

He always uses his time stretching your limbs to prevent atrophy and shows off his acrobatic skills, hoping it would impress you.

By the time he’s done, Alfred delivers your lunch, which he places in your feeding tube.

He wishes you were able to chew solid food because he totally would spoon feed you.

Jason comes in and out of all of them, he feels the most guilt about how he treated you.

He’s harped on Bruce for forgetting all about him for years, not knowing that he’s done the same to you.

And the memory of him giving you that black eye makes him want to tear himself apart as penance.

“You really drew the short straw when they were giving out families, huh, kid,” he jokes.

He spends most of his time reading his favorite books to you and telling you trivia about them and their authors.

He spends the remaining time crying, his head pressed against your body, begging for your forgiveness.

He totally kills those three thugs when Bruce isn’t look, hoping that act of revenge makes up for his behavior is some way.

Tim comes in after him, pretending not to notice the tear stains on Jason’s face or how red his eyes look.

He goes back to how you two first met, thinking about how he could’ve done things differently. How he should’ve said something.

He knows what it’s like to be ignored by your family, god knows he wasn’t his parents’ favorite child and they only had him.

He uses his time to play your video games, either on the giant tv in front of your bed or siting next to you on the bed, the brand new laptop he bought for you between the two of you.

He 100% your games, getting every achievement possible and even buys new games he thinks you’d enjoy.

He listens to everything you say, committing it to memory and answering back no matter what it is.

“Fear the Old Blood.”

“Bloodborne,” he answers. “That’s a tough one. But you seem like a guy that appreciates a challenge.”

When he discovers the beginnings of your game and the book you wrote all your ideas for it, he devotes all his free time to bringing it to reality, personally developing it and following your book to the letter and when it’s released, everyone knows it was made in your honor.

Steph comes in with Cass since neither of them have the courage to come in alone, ashamed of how they treated you.

Steph spends the entire time talking, filling the room with talk to drown out the awkward silence.

She goes on about anything and everything, from her visit to the coffee shop to her nightly escapades.

“I swear, Kite Man is obsessed with me! I think he wants to be my nemesis and I keep telling him it’s not gonna happen!”

Cass just sits there, not even able to look at you due to the weight of her guilt.

Bruce had taught her how to live in a family and she couldn’t show you the love she shows the others.

Damian is after them, followed closely by Titus and Alfred the Cat.

“Good evening, brother,” he says, hoping for a response, but knowing you’ll never be able to answer back again.

During his time with the League of Assassins, he was taught that one can never redeem themselves after failure and so it must be avoided at all costs.

He thought himself above the rest of his siblings, worth of being the heir to both the Demon and Bat. That he was the very definition of perfect

Seeing your frail body, lying there, doomed to live out the rest of your days stuck inside your own mind?

He knows he’s imperfect in every possible way.

When you first met, he was threatened by you as he was led to believe he was Father’s only blood son, the one who would inherit everything both Bruce Wayne and the Batman possessed.

He knew you weren’t a threat, his trained eye telling him you couldn’t defend yourself against Drake, let alone a real threat, but he just had to go and attack you what his sword to assert his dominance and place in the family’s hierarchy.

He could’ve just ignored you like the others, but no, he had to go and actively make your life more difficult, insulting you at every chance and sending his animals to attack you.

And when Pennyworth told him the pen he stole from you was your late Mother’s?

For the first time in years, he actually sheds a tear.

He spends his time either in your room, his loyal pets on either side of you while he draws you in his sketchbook or paints a complete portrait of you to be mounted in the living room.

Sometimes, he paints scenes of you two together, some of them have you standing next to each other while others have you playing some game.

He wishes you two could do this, but for now, these portraits will do.

Other times, he places you in a wheelchair and pushes you through the gardens (he fought tooth and nail for that privilege), telling you tidbits about the birds you see or the flowers you pass by.

Everyday, he wishes that you’d come out of this vegetative state so you two could walk together, but until that day comes, he’ll take up this responsibility without complaint.

By the time his time’s done, Alfred serves you your dinner and that’s when they leave to patrol Gotham, each of them hugging and kissing you.

And when they get back, Bruce carries you down to the dining room so you can be a part of their feast and watch movies with them.

They failed you before, but they won’t do it again. All of them will repeat this, day after day. Year after year.

They just wish you could talk back so they can make their apologies properly.

[gay-dorito-dust]

hi hiii its my first time ever asking anyone idk how this works ( ;｀Д´)

i rlly love your writing, i often find myself staying up late reading through your blogs!! funny bcs u were the one who got me into jason todd (ФωФ)

anyways!!! i was hoping you could pls pls pls pls plssssss write smth about Jason Todd who has a lover thats a sleep-deprived uni student having a hell week and jason is like "bitch put google docs down and get some sleep, ur ass has been awake for 48 hours" all worried and wanting them to rest and reader is like "correction, 50 hours."

i hope it makes sense (´ 3｀)

tyyyyy!!! woopee woopee

Sorry this took so long to get to anon, I hope you liked it either way. And don’t stay up too late reading fics but I truly appreciate you reading my stuff, I’m glad you like them 🦦🐿️

A week.

An entire week Jason had noticed you have been forcing yourself to stay up at the dead of night, glued to your laptop all the while chugging energy drinks and cups of coffee as though they were going out of style, and for what? An assignment that determined your future at uni should you not get straight marks.

Jason thought it ridiculous that you made yourself sleep deprived over this but he knew that if he didn’t do anything about it, then you’ll continue this habit until you were well out of university, struggling to come to terms that you had well and truly burnt yourself out before you could properly start living.

So when Jason couldn’t fell you next to him in bed one night, like you promised him you would, and groaned as he got himself out of bed before making his way towards the kitchen where he’d knew you’d be.

‘What time do you call this?’ Jason asked when he saw you in your usual spot at the kitchen counter, hunched over your laptop with a thin blanket frapped over your shoulders and a can of energy drink on one side of the laptop and a cup of coffee on the other side. He hated what this stupid university has made you do just in order to get good grades, it was harmful, damaging and it would inevitably lead to health complications later on in life; If he could Jason would more then gladly march down there and threaten the professors to stop shoving a boatload of work onto their students, but firstly he has to get you away from that damn laptop and learn how to take a fucking break.

‘Mid-afternoon?’ You asked, not looking up from the bright screen of your laptop, where the words scrawled across it in an incoherent mess for your overworked brain to comprehend.

‘It’s actually 3:30 in the morning.’ Jason replied unamused as he crossed his arms over his chest and you winced when you saw that he was indeed right about it being three thirty in the morning. ‘Don’t you think it’s time that you shut the laptop off and get some sleep?’

‘But I-‘

‘Actually sleep.’ Jason cuts you off as you slumped back into your chair, unable to come up with a decent enough response to defend yourself with because deep down you knew Jason was right, you’ve hadn’t had a decent sleep in a long while and it was definitely taking it’s toll with how lightheaded you’ve become as of late.

You sighed and ran your hands down your face. ‘Jason I can’t, I’ve got-‘

‘An assignment to complete for tomorrow I know.’ Jason cuts you off again as he crossed the room to put his hand over the top of your coffee cup upon noticing that you were intending to take another drink from it. ‘But I look at you and can tell you can barely keep your eyes open for more than five minutes.’ He adds and upon your silence, he puts the cup aside as far as he could before doing the same with the half empty energy drink, and then finally shutting the laptop close despite your weak protests for him not to.

‘No, Jason my assignment, I need to finish it.’ You told him with slow, sluggish movements as you tried to pry his hand off of your laptop, all the while biting back a yawn. ‘Just give me five more minutes please and I’ll come to bed, promise.’

Jason had enough of this habit of sleepless nights, it ends now, the professors will have to understand and extend the due date for your sake as he remembered how often you had harped on about how important this assignment was for your overall grade; However Jason didn’t take neglecting your bodily needs lightly and would prioritise that over anything else,you could hate him all you wanted but he was only looking out for you and your wellbeing.

‘Sorry chipmunk but I can’t watch you do this to yourself for any longer than I already have.’ Was all Jason said as he then lifted you out of your chair suddenly causing you to yelp in surprise and cling onto him for dear life, now being more awake then you ever have been five minutes ago, as he then proceeded to carry you back towards the bedroom before unceremoniously dropping you onto the bed.

‘Jason, I seriously needed to get that assignment-‘

‘We are going to sleep, end of discussion.’ Jason said with finality as he crawled under the covers and quickly held you against his chest as tightly as he could, rubbing his hands up and down your back soothingly. ‘I know how important this assignment was for you sweetheart but I’d much rather have you well rested, clear minded and healthy than to ever to have you pass out in my arms from exhaustion. I want my baby happy and healthy and you are neither of those things right now.’ Jason whispers into your ear, kissing the side of your head a couple of times before resting his forehead against yours so that he was looking into your weary half lidded eyes.

‘Look at you, you can barely keep your eyes open.’ He spoke with worry laced in his words.

‘You’re really warm and comfy jay birdie.’ You murmured, feeling the need for sleep grow ever stronger the longer you stayed in his arms as it fogged your mind.

‘I know, so please we can talk to the professor in the morning and sort something out, but until then no more late nights understand?’ Jason said firmly as he held you a little tighter, he just wanted you to get a decent nights sleep and be looked after properly but all these late nights weren’t cutting it and were making your situation worse, how were you meant to get anything done when you were half out of it due to overworking and lack of a sleep schedule? Were the professors at your university thinking they were teaching robots instead of humans with breaking limits?

‘Okay I understand, I love you.’ You replied sleepily as you burrowed your head into his neck, falling asleep in record time as Jason stayed awake a little longer as to make sure you were properly asleep before following suit, watching over you in the dream realm as he did the waking one.

[the-winter-spider]

But Daddy I Love Him | B.Barnes

Word Count: 3k

Pairings: Bucky barnes x reader

Warnings: Abuse, swearing, angst

A/N: This is an older fic i had, that really was going nowhere decided to start working on it and here we are! Not edited or proof read.

Masterlist

—

1940s

You were anxiously waiting on his front steps, your right knee bouncing up and down, while your shaking fingers were fidgeting with the hem of your dress. You knew the boys would be back anytime soon from whatever double date they were on, because Bucky promised you that no matter what he would be home at 9pm sharp for you and every night since then he has been, but tonight he was cutting it close.

You pushed up your sleeve and looked down at your watch. It was 9:52pm, he was late. You let out a loud sigh, you stood up and brushed your dress off because god forbid if you went home and your father saw dirt on your silk dress he would know exactly where you went and you were so afraid he would raise his hand to you again, taking one final glance at your watch you knew he wasn't coming. You couldn't blame him either because you’ve never needed him before so he probably just thought being a little late wouldn’t do any damage. You placed your clutch down beside you, placing your head between your hands letting the tears flow thinking of the events that happened just 30 minutes before.

—

Flashback

“You will marry him!” Your father shouted at you slamming his fist down into his desk in the study.

You clenched your fists your nails digging into your skin, you could feel the nails breaking the skin on the palm of your hand, your heart was thumping so loud you almost didn’t here the words come out of your mouth, you’ve said them in your bathroom in front of the mirror so many times you almost didn’t believe this was real till you felt your father's open hand hit right cheek, his rings slicing open skin, your head went sharply to the left, your grasped your cheek out of instinct.

“What did you say?” He was standing directly in front of you, it felt like some old movie western showdown. He was challenging you.

You took a big breath turning your head to face him, looking him in the eyes “No Father, I will not be marrying him, I will not be marrying a man I am not in love with! I don’t love him!”

Your father scoffed, stomping back over to his desk“Yeah what do you know about love?” Taking a drink out of his whisky.

“More than you” You whispered

He turned to face you, whisky in hand “Let me guess you are in love with that poor, scumbag of a man, no, a boy who lived across town?” He paused, waiting for a response, he laughed when you didn’t give one, of course he was right, he always was. “You will NEVER have a life with him, you will live on the streets if you marry that boy!”

Tears were welling in your eyes “At least I will be loved!”

“He doesn’t even love you! Or he wouldn’t be out with a different girl every night, you do not think i know? You think because I am an old man I do not keep tabs on my only daughter?” He finished what was left of his whiskey, his eyes dark. When he was drunk he was always so malicious, you were waiting for another punch to the gut, not literally, now that was out of pocket, even for your Father nowadays “I see him y’know, around town, always out dancing with some pretty girl, a new one every week, never you though. You’re a Stark for christ sake, you have brains i know you do, so why don’t you fucking use them? He doesn’t love you! You WILL marry William's son and that's final!” your father grabbed his empty whisky glass throwing it directly at the wall beside your head just missing you, as it shattered beside you. You ran out of his study grabbing your clutch on the way out. As you were about to leave you heard your father shout “If you leave you never come back you hear, you ungrateful brat!”

—

Wiping your tears away you started walking in the opposite direction of Bucky and Steve's apartment. Tears were already streaming down your bruising cheek, tonight was the worst your father ever hit you. He wasn’t always like that, honestly he wasn’t at all till you turned of age. It got especially worse when your older brother was starting to live up to your last name and while you were never expected to be anything more than someone's arm candy, your father held the standards of whomever you were to marry so high, and your taste was never good enough according to him. So the fights broke out almost weekly, you would go on the dates him and your mother would aet you up on but he would lose it on you when they never would go past a second or third date because well as the men would put it you were “rude” “off putting” “gorgeous but with a mouth on her” “Not wife material” and your Father started to have enough of it, he would scream, throw things, grip your wrists, or shoulders a little too tight and recently his ringed hand would find your cheek. You just couldn't understand why he didn't want you to marry for love, why he didn't want someone who loved you has your husband not just rich asshole who was marrying you for your looks, your families money or more importantly because of your last name, Stark

As you were walking away, not knowing where you were going because surely your father would still be up and you couldn’t deal with that right now. With him apologising, saying he was sorry but he had lost his temper, that it wouldn’t happen again, not like this. That you could talk about it more in the morning when things have calmed down, which you wouldn’t because he would come home from work and tell you all about someone at works son or brother whom were single and looking for a wife and you would smile, nod go on the dates and well it was a cycle you were over. This time was the last straw.

You decided to walk, you had no idea where to because well you had nowhere to go but it beat sitting around waiting for someone who might not show up at all. Maybe you were just being bitter because you knew Bucky and if he knew you were sitting on his front step, even if you were okay and nothing was wrong he’d be there in a heartbeat. But what your Father said to you was starting to itch, you tried not to scratch it but you couldn’t help it because even though you hated to admit it sometimes he was a genius.

You couldn’t help but wonder why he never tried to make a move, you gave him so many opportunities, and by all means you made it so obvious it's what you wanted and that it was okay to do so.

—

Flashback

“Where's Steve?” You leaned slightly to the right to look behind Bucky for any sign of your best friend.

“He’s not feeling well, decided to sit this one out” Bucky shrugged his shoulder, his arm reaching out to grab your hand, intertwining it with yours.

You knew Steve was prone to getting sick, it happened a lot but each time it happened you still couldn’t help but feel bad Steve didn’t deserve all the shit he got put through “Maybe we should go get some of that soup he loves and we could go get …”

Bucky cut you off with his laugh, smiling lightly, squeezing your hand reassuringly. He knew your concern and care for Steve, always tending to his health and well-being. But, at the moment, Bucky had other plans in mind.

He leaned in closer, his eyes sparkling with mischief, and whispered in your ear. "You know, I was thinking. Since Steve's not here, maybe we can take advantage of the opportunity to have some fun just for ourselves."

When you got stiff and didn't reply he spoke again, a cheeky smile playing across his lips as he tried to persuade you to set aside your worries for Steve's well-being. "Listen, doll, Steve's a tough fella. I'm sure he'll manage just fine on his own.”

You sighed leaning into him, slightly bumping your shoulder with his “I guess you're right Buck, i just worry about him y'know. But it would be nice to spend time together, just us two, I don't remember the last time we did…”

He let go of your hand, throwing his arms up “Eureka!” He shouted “That's the spirit” He flung his arm around your shoulder

You laughed at his dramatica, swinging your arm around his waist “Okay Buck” You grinned looking up at him “So where to first?”

Bucky chuckled at your question, a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. He was glad you agreed to spend some time together without Steve. He wouldn’t tell you that maybe Steve being sick was a tiny fib. Steve himself told Bucky to tell you in hopes that some alone time with you would make Bucky finally tell you how he felt.

"Well, doll, the worlds at our fingertips. Maybe we could check out some of those fancy new technologies? Or we could just wander around and see where the night takes us."

You slightly rolled your eyes, you loved that Bucky was so into all the new technologies your big brother, Howard came up with but it was something you already knew like the back of your hand and you didn't want to waste your night alone with Bucky, the very few you got i might add, talking about how amazing your brother was, it was something you already heard enough about at home.

“Am I not good enough to take dancing like all your other dames?” You smirked “I don't remember the last time i went dancing Buck” A slight whine to your voice

He smiled looking down at you “Well sweetheart if we do that then i'll never be able to dance with any other girl again”

You laughed, you had been in love with Bucky for years and these little moments where he flirted with you filled your heart with such joy, made it grow two sizes too big but the despair always lingered in the pit of your stomach knowing he did the same with every other girl but they also got to kiss those beautiful lips, you shook the feeling away “Why's that you flirt?”

Bucky smiled fondly looking down at you “Because none of them could ever come even close to having you in my arms, i'll never be the same after twirling you around the dance floor, they don't compare doll, id never be able to find another dance partner good enough” He paused “So i'm afraid if i take you dancing tonight, you’ll be my only dance partner for the rest of my life, if that's okay with you”

“As sweet as that statement was, i can't see you ever only having one dance partner for the rest of your life, let alone little old me”

His brows furrowed, he hated when you belittle yourself “You being the only dance partner for the rest of my life would be my greatest accomplishment doll”

—

All three of you knew, especially Steve how you and Bucky truly felt about each other but he never said anything because he knew just as well as you two did that you could never be together, your father simply wouldn't allow it, Bucky didn't come from money like you, therefore it wasnt allowed, so you both pushed those feelings as far down as possibly, Bucky handled his by smothering them in other women and you well swept it under the rug like your dearest mother had taught you, both your feelings for Bucky and your pain each time he got back from a date with another women.

“y/n?” A soft voice broke you out of your thoughts, you never realized how far you made it till you took in your surroundings, you were at some random park on the other side of town.

“Stevie? What are you doing here?” You sniffled trying your best to hide your face.

“Well y’know, the dame Bucky set me up with wasn’t interested so i left, Bucky told me to wait here but that was, i don't know how long ago” He scratched the back of his head

“Its 10:19pm if that helps” You offered a small smile. You could see the look on Steve's face when he registered that Bucky was late late “y/n, I-“

“Its fine Steve really, it was bound to happen at some point”

“So uh, where were you off to, this isn’t exactly your side of town, you should be careful”

“I should be careful huh? Who was the one who’s butt i saved last week” you slightly shoved his shoulder and giggled and that's when the smile was completely wiped off your face, Steve's face hardened and was laced with anger and concern, you dropped your face, he saw it, you knew he would eventually but you still felt ashamed and insecure “y/n?” Steve said softly and took a step towards you and you took a step back, Steve looked hurt but stopped moving “Did your Father do this to you? I thought you said he stopped?”

“He did, for a little while, things were okay” You shrugged “It's really nothing, I should get going”

“y/n!” Steve said again a little louder, he gently grabbed your arms to stop you from leaving. You froze when he touched you, and looked up at him. The light on the sidewalk was just enough to show him the full extent of the damage and it broke his heart to see you so defeated.

“Nothing?! You have a black eye and your cheek is swollen, your lip is split, that is not nothing!” Steve shouted and for someone so small his voice was loud and stern, it made you flinch, His face softened when he watched you “Y/n, i didn't mean to yell, but you can't go back”

A single tear rolled down your check “I have to, my marriage is already arranged and it's not like he's giving me a reason to —“ You were cut off by that voice, the voice of the man you were so desperately in love with the voice of the man you wanted to be with more than anything, you so desperately wanted to run into his arms and stay there forever, but they weren’t yours.

“Steve you will never believe the night I just had this dame she was something spec…” He froze when he noticed you, his eyes trying to adjust to the darkness “Doll? What are you doing all the way out here?”

His smile turned into a frown when he got a good look at your face, it was obvious what had happened. Bucky slowly took a few steps closer to you, trying to make sure to give you plenty of space because he could tell that you were already on edge.

"Doll, who did this to you?" He asked gently, his eyes slowly roaming over the marks on your skin.

You tool a step back, flinching away from Bucky Your head hung low “I have to go” you said barely above a whisper

Bucky's frown deepened as he watched you take a few more steps back. He wanted to reach out and grab you, pull you into his arms, and never let you go, but he knew that would only make things worse.

"No, you don't" he said firmly, taking a step closer to you. "You aren't going back to your house”

The tears you just finished wiping clean were now streaming freshly down your face again “I have nowhere else to go Buck, I have no one else!” You sadly shouted

Bucky's heart ached when he saw the tears streaming down your face. He closed the distance between you in three large strides and pulled you tightly against him, his arms wrapping around you in a firm but gentle embrace.

"You have me, doll. You will always have me" he said as he gently stroked your hair, trying to soothe you

“Do i?” You whispered your bitter heartache coming to the surface as you pushed him away “Because it feels like every other girls in Brooklyn has you but me”

Bucky froze, his heart clenching at your words. He couldn't deny that he had been with other girls, no, he couldn't deny that every night, he had been out dancing and laughing with another dame on his arm. The look of pain on your face made him hate himself even more for his behaviour. "You do have me y/n, you gotta know that please, id leave them all behind for you."

You scoffed “Well you sure could have fooled me!”

Bucky's heart broke as you spoke. He knew he had messed up, he had gone out and had all these flings hoping that maybe one of these girls would make him forget just how in love with you he is. But they didn't, all it did was hurt you, the one person he never wanted to hurt, and he hated himself for it.

"Doll, please. I—" he cut himself off, he didn't know what to say that would be enough to undo the pain he had caused.

“Just forget it Buck” You wiped your last tear flinching when you grazed your cut from your fathers wedding ring.

You started to walk away before turning around, your voice breaking “Please don't follow me”

Bucky's heart dropped as you turned your back to him and started walking away. Every fibre of his being wanted to go after you, to pull you back into his arms and never let you go, but he knew that you needed space.

He stood there watching as you walked further and further away, his heart aching and his mind racing, he could barely find the words to speak as you told him to stay there. For once in his life Bucky was speechless, frozen.

[lilacxquartz]

part 9 of 19 of kinktober: brain riding

kenjaku’s brain x reader

plot: kenjaku would like to try something a bit different with you — themes: oral sex, brain riding, gender neutral pronouns for kenjaku, f!reader, coercion, potentially body horror — a/n: if the idea weirds you out, this is your warning to click out, otherwise read on <3 — w.c: 800ish

kinktober masterlist • main masterlist • ao3

“Come on, I promise it’ll be fun,” Kenjaku teased, dragging your fingertips along their still freshly sutured incision, “it’ll be unlike anything like you’ve ever experienced before.”

You stammered in slight uncertainty, narrowing your eyes into a concerned stare; studying the liquid that trickled out of their partially undone form. “I-I don’t know, this might be too weird… even for me.”

Kenjaku could only smile as they pulled you back down over their body, urging you to straddle over their frame. They didn’t want to pretend with you anymore—at least not since you last saw their technique and surviving form—so this was simply… the next big step forward.

“Trust me,” they coaxed, lowering their voice into a breathy whisper, “I promise it’ll be fun. If you’re that scared, you can sit a little lower over my vessel’s face and we can work our way up.”

You could only blink as your mind paled at the thought, still struggling to imagine just how this could possibly go. Admittedly, this was something that you had never once anticipated before and yet here you were, giving into the impossible.

“Alright, just… just give me a moment, okay?” you replied in a strained tone in an attempt to calm yourself down.

They simply stared up at you as you straddled over their stomach, their arrogant grin slowly widening with each passing second.

“Do I just… hover over the brain, or?” you asked in a resigned tone.

They tilted their head back in anticipation. “I’ll tell you when, how’s that?”

A whole flurry of troubling thoughts swept through your mind the more you tried to talk yourself into carrying the act through. For one, you felt suddenly… insecure? What could the view for them even be from that sort of angle? Given that your thought process could be easily reflected on your expression, they pulled you down ever so slightly by tugging at your wrists to at least, reassure you.

“Don’t worry about it too much,” they murmured, trying to pad you forward on your knees, “I can promise you that my eyes will be closed if that’s what’s bothering you,” they lied, wanting nothing more than to revel in the view.

You tilted your head in half disbelief, not quite believing them. “R-really?”

They hummed with a confirming nod, finally getting you to hover right where they wanted. With a quick pull, they cast aside the skull cap for now, propping it over to the bedside table before shooting their tongue up towards your clit, hoping to steal a taste while you were still adjusting.

A slight yelp escaped your lips as the rest of your body tingled in a pleasurable shudder; your legs settled parallel over the soft, fleshy mass felt almost softly foreign when compared to any other area of flesh. The tissue was alarmingly supple and left you feeling a little afraid for them.

“A-and you’re sure that this doesn’t hurt you?” you asked in a somewhat innocent tone, genuinely concerned for their safety.

They lightheartedly laughed in response to you, their tone of voice adopting a nonchalant edge, “Well, it might mess up my vision a little but don’t worry, I can fix all of that later. Besides, my brain is firmer than the average person’s, so you’re not damaging a single thing.”

Kenjaku technically meant that first part in a joking manner, but they partially regretted their jab a second later, knowing that you wouldn’t take it in the way they hoped and would very likely hesitate to let yourself go fully.

To counter this, they attempted to pull you down a little closer; their brain tongue greedily lapping up wherever it could feel, the rest of the rosy matter slightly pulsating as it did so as the subtle movements almost caused them to tremble.

Continuing, they licked at your folds whenever you slipped up and tried to steady yourself. Your clit was the primary focus, but your lacking confidence was something that they’d have to train you out of in the future; which was already pre-planned in their mind. Working with what they could, they flicked at your skin’s swollen peak, pushing you towards a quickly building climax. Perhaps it was both the fear and the arousal and the unknown; all three things combined to overwhelm you into a heated mess.

In a way, it was surely frustrating due to the host’s body responding with want and need, pooling tingling pleasure in between their legs. They couldn’t stop now however—not when you were so close—so instead their tongue zigzagged at an almost hurried rate, sending rising shocks of shuddering bliss through your body, forcing you to eventually coil and flood in a seeping release that trickled into their cerebral lips.

As you finally stilled your grinding process, you sat back over their chest and then rolled over to your back, your body involuntarily flinching slightly at the cap they used to secure back over their brain.

“I’m never letting you live this down by the way,” they teased, already planning the next moment they’d do this with you again (and again and again.)

And to your surprise (not that you’d admit it to them), you didn’t feel completely opposed to the idea.

~~~

related art piece

[schoenpepper]

Our Love is God (Heathers the Musical)

Intro: He worships you.

Warnings: bad writing, awful grammar, not proofread, death, gore, blood, yandere

A/N: Jade jade jade jade my love my baby boy mwahhhh cutie pie. A little different than the other songfics, kinda short.

Masterlist

They made you cry, but that will end tonight

Human blood is a deep, crimson red. It smells like rusted metal…tastes like it too. When Jade brings his hand to his lips, his mind is clouded with thoughts of you. Would you enjoy the taste too? The sensation? His tongue darts out to lick the droplet of maroon, the remnants of your tormentors.

He thinks you would enjoy it as much as he does.

The color stains white roses the most stunning red.

You are the only thing that's right about this broken world

You were saved by them?

You didn’t need saving, darling.

With Ramshackle gone that time, he would have been all too happy to recommend his own room for you to stay in. He’d heard of the saying that royals bleed blue, but that’s simply untrue. Royals bleed the exact same hue. There’s amusement when he rhymes in his mind, humming a happy tune as he exits the premises. It seems the wild animals ought to have better senses, lest they don’t realize when they’re being hunted.

We'll burn it down and then, we'll build the world again

Jade is a lot of things, but he’s no hypocrite. He’d promised himself to kill all those who vied for your attention, after all. All’s fair in love, war, and business.

They called it a love-addled rampage.

But he’s never felt such clarity before. They must be liars.

You are his only truth.

Our love is God

Quick. He needed to make it quick. Unforeseen. If they put up a fight, the other will be desperate to protect—hah. There is no use protecting a corpse.

Morale is down. It’s easier to strike. So he does.

Gold clatters to the ground, caked by dust and organs.

There is the aftertaste of sand and sadness.

You're not alone

The hunter is dangerous. It’s quite lucky he’d gotten rid of him much earlier, lest his pilgrimage end up with unwanted surprises. On the chessboard, the rest of the white pieces are already off the board. The queen remains. A pawn is standing guard.

He makes a move.

The pawn falls.

The queen is unaware of the danger. Another move. There’s not much left to do, cornered on the board. And eventually, it falls too. Anticlimactic, but not quite unexpected. He’d planned for too long for all of his plans to fail at this time.

And when the morning comes

It’s surprisingly easy to dismantle a robot.

Especially one that saw him as no threat.

Technology is very convenient really, cameras fall apart with just one swing of a metal rod. Your friends, there’s just too many of them. Isn’t he so kind, so benevolent, so gracious, for culling the herd? Jade’s the only one you need. Jade is the only one you love.

Jade will be the only one left soon enough.

We'll burn away that tear, and raise our city here

At a critical juncture, it all falls apart. In any case, he’d never expected to take on one of the most powerful mages in the world and win. He’s shackled and bound while they assess how far the damages of his love had gone. They say it’s gone too far, but he believes he hasn’t gone nearly far enough yet. No. You deserve more, don’t you?

You plead with your friend to give you some space. You want to talk to Jade? Alone?

Even now, you’re just the sweetest.

You chose to be left alone in a room with a chained predator.

(Are you unaware the predator can still bite?)

Our love is God

“Why…why did you kill them all?”

“I did it for you, my love.”

You’re looking at him strangely. He doesn’t like it; he can’t read your expressions, your movements.

We can start and finish wars

They’re turning him in to the authorities. That’s fine.

Even far away, locked in a cell, he will always think of you. Dream of you.

You are the parasite implanted into his brain, a creature that ate up his internal organs and replaced them all with images of yourself. You are an alien, one that chose to burrow itself into him and turn his blood into nothing but pure desire for you and everything that you represent.

We're what killed the dinosaurs

You visit him in the dead of night.

How did he never know you could pick locks?

The fae were careless, the door wasn’t enchanted by any sort of magic. You came back to his side, why? Do you despise him, detest him, for murdering all the people you hold dear in blood as cold as the ice floes in his home? Don’t look at him with hatred.

Don’t get too close.

(The predator has always had its sights set on you.)

We're the asteroid that's overdue

“Jade…”

He could think of so many things you could say to him.

Each and every one would be like knives digging themselves into his flesh. Darling, do be gentle with him, would you? He’s only bled because of his love for you. It’s a hideous thing that he keeps alive, just for you. Don’t deny him.

The new world needed room for me and you

“Can you run?”

That is…certainly not what he expected you to say.

“Not with these cuffs, I’m afraid.”

“Oh, right. Turn around.”

I worship you

You would set him free?

Maybe you’re just as crazy as he is.

Deft fingers work with a bent hair pin to unlock the chains. He’s really lucky he wasn’t restrained by magic, you would have had no way of undoing those.

I'd trade my life for yours

You give him back his magic pen and pull him to run back to the Hall of Mirrors.

Our love is God

He relishes the feeling of your hand in his.

Our love is God

“Not that I don’t enjoy the midnight rendezvous, but where exactly are we going?”

“Home. Where you’re not wanted by the mage police.”

“And how do we get there?”

“Like how I got here. The Dark Mirror.”

Our love is God

Have you always known how to return to your old world…?

Our love is God

Green lightning strikes in the distance. The two of you are running out of time.

We can start and finish wars

As marvelous as dying with you would be, he enjoys the thought of escaping with you more. He can still run, but you’re beginning to lag behind. He scoops you up into his arms and keeps running.

We're what killed the dinosaurs

The hall is close. He can see its vague silhouette in the distance.

We're the asteroid that's overdue

In a puff of green smoke, you’re taken from him.

They'll die because we say they must

They think he’d kidnapped you. He doesn’t speak up to clarify the misunderstanding. It would be better for you to be the victim.

I worship you

You struggle and jump with him into the mirror anyway.

I'd trade my life for yours

He watches as you break the mirror with the closest thing you can throw at it. 

“I…I got you back. Here. I didn’t think…” you break out into a sudden laugh, and he’s frozen in place when you wrap your arms around him. Is this a cause worthy of celebration? He doesn’t quite understand. But you’re in his embrace and he would be damned if he let you go.

We'll make them disappear

“This is your house?”

“Mmh, it’s just me. It’s fine though. With you here, I won’t be lonely anymore.”

We'll plant our garden here

The first night, he woke up next to you and found a nearby mirror shining with green light. He tossed a sheet over it and broke it when daylight came, telling you it needed to be replaced.

You never questioned his words.

Our love is God

He fits right in this magicless world. There is no competition here. No one is worthy of your gaze. It calms him down.

Our love is God

The next time a mirror glows, he breaks it immediately.

Our love is God

The souls are still haunting him.

Our love is God

The faes are still looking for a way to him.

Our love is God

All of it fades when he’s right next to you.

Our love is God

There is nothing Jade won’t do to love you.

[thatshadowcomic]

Shadow didn't have amnesia.

He had dissociative fugue caused by a traumatic experience.

I never felt like brain damage would make sense, because shadow can heal anything. Its more likely his body changed to avoid further suffering/try to adapt.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

(DF is a complicated disorder, hopefully no one takes this as an insult to your experience, but you're welcome to give me pointers to better showcase it in my comic if you want? He will mainly be dealing with the after effects related to depression, ptsd and general unrest, something I understand much more than DF.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A breakdown:

-Shadow had DF after the ARK and that's why it was so easy to "trigger phrase" him into wanted to destroy the world.

-GUN wanted shadow to be super soldier/mind controlled/ sleeper agent, but of course Gerald didnt. (this is so meta given the time frame.)

-"bring hope to humanity" was his deactivation phrase (sonic battle).

-50 yrs later he's not remotely bothered by his past and is locked in to his new role... A role Gerald gave him during his initial fugue.

-But when he nears the final battle, Gerald inadvertently causes shadow to snap out of it and remember the real promise: Bring hope to humanity.

-His memories compounded with his current destructive behavior likely caused a secondary dissociative fugue or just reverted him back to that state. Maybe he just had a small glimpse?.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Shadow the hedgehog" game

-Those with dissociative fugue often impulsively wonder and travel away from home, experiencing confusion and a lost sense of self, often creating new identities.

-"Shadow the hedgehog" was a game that explores this and many endings are simply against his morals and values... because he doesnt have any. "Who am I" is very complicated and he's trying to remember his standards again.

-Doom's manipulation and twisting of his memories may have actually helped him regain them as they traveled around, which ends up being Doom's downfall.

-Over time it's possible to recover memories in bits and pieces or completely, by visiting places or discussing ones past. The trigger are partly random and often therapy is needed to find causes.

it's often followed by ptsd, depression or anger, either from the therapy finding the cause or simply the concept of forgetting everyone or feeling disconnected.

--------------------------------------------------------------

so that's my read, it lines up and im taking it as canon. I hope at least 2 people read this lmao.

[harmonysanreads]

bestie I'm currently reading a really good imperial palace setting manga, and in one of the scenes the concubine used her jewelry to "mark" her handmaidens to prevent bad people from approaching them.

Imagine Neuvillette with a human crush that somehow has the draconic habit of marking her loved ones, but she uses jewelry. Mr Neuvillette most likely sees it as darling understanding dragon courting.

Even funnier if in reality darling doesn't understand dragon courting.

-💅

yes, bestie, yes.

To Neuvillette, the message within that gesture is bold and clear ; it's a sign of ownership and an unspoken invite for his reciprocation, to you, it's an expression of your unadulterated care. Something you've done before and to which Neuvillette definitely wasn't the first in line — but he doesn't know that.

Neuvillette takes great care of whatever piece of jewelry you've given him, be it a necklace, bracelet, earring or hairpin. Though, I think what would scratch his brain just right is if you were to give him a ring instead. He promptly orders a special box to be crafted from the sturdiest material to store them and polishes them himself regularly and so diligently that by the time you see them again, you think it's a new jewelry entirely. Due to his draconic features, I think he'd be able to pick up on the vaguest traces of ‘you’ from your jewelry. For example : your necklace carries a good portion of your fragrance, in your bracelet and hairpin, there's a lingering scent of the hand cream and shampoo you use. Neuvillette is able to learn so much about you from those small gifts alone.

Your jewelry also serves as a catalyst of comfort when things get too hard for the Chief Justice, they remind him of the promise and motivate him to continue for your sake. This festering paranoia is something he knows is quite absurd but, Neuvillette thinks that he cannot, by any chance, allow dust and moisture to damage the jewelry. Even the faintest decrease in shine, the alignment that your affections for him must be decaying? It makes him uncomfortable beyond description. And since things are so sweet and perfect in Neuvillette's head, it's all the more devastating in the case he learns of your true intentions. Poor Hydro Dragon.

Side thought : I was thinking about the same scenario but, with a darling with amnesia. Some angst thrown into yandere!neuvillette is always good in my humble opinion.

[celestialglow24]

•••Promise Me•••

Frank Castle x AFAB reader

You finally see Frank again after months of being apart with no explanation.

hi friends. more Frank angst because this man has taken over my mind lately and i think you all should suffer with me. please enjoy xx

The walk back home from the restaurant wasn’t too bad of a trek. You had convinced yourself it’d be alot faster than waiting around for an uber, or bothering your cousin at 12 am to come down there and pick you up.

Was it wise? Probably not. But the multiple shots of liquid courage—fueled with the desire to take a long hot shower—gave you a sense of confidence no one would have been able to shake.

So you said your goodbyes to the group you were with, telling them a little white lie that your ride was here, and began walking home.

As the loud street music and bustling noise of downtown nightlife started to fade, that confidence began to wane.

It was really quiet out here, and no one was around from what you could tell. You could see the sign for a park a little ways ahead and that managed to level your nerves.

Your cousin’s apartment wasn’t too far from there and if you kept at the pace you were moving, you could get there in 10 minutes or so.

God you hated wearing heels. You’d yet to find a pair that didn’t make you want to cut off your feet and curse the ground after only a couple of hours of use.

There was a part of you that was half tempted to take them off and walk the rest of the way barefoot, but after already passing several broken bottles along the street, you decided you didn’t want to chance a night in the ER.

All things considered you were proud of yourself for going out tonight. It had been months since you’d done anything besides: work, sleep, eat, repeat.

Save for a few weekends now and then of binge watching a true crime doc with your cousin Lucy or a trip to the dog park with her dog Penny, you hardly allowed yourself any time to relax.

Anything to avoid your mind having the opportunity to think of him. To think of your past.

So when your coworker invited you out with people from your department to celebrate their recent promotion, you decided to let yourself enjoy a night out. You felt you had earned it.

You hadn’t been working for the company very long, but you got along with everyone pretty well. It was nice of them to include you.

It was certainly more fun than you expected to have but after your brain had tried multiple times to convince you that you’d seen someone that wasn’t there—someone who you hadn’t seen in months—you knew it was time to go.

6 months.

6 months and you still searched for him in a room full of people.

It was pathetic.

Even now, as you walked the nearly empty streets you felt him. You didn’t know how— and despite logic and reason battling with these inexplicable feelings— it still felt like you could sense his presence.

Yeah, this had to be the alcohol talking.

You tightened your trenchcoat around your torso in an effort to self soothe and offered a half smile to the few people you walked by on your way toward the park.

As you rounded the sidewalk, you pulled your phone out to text your cousin that you’d be home any minute. She was probably already sleeping but you wanted to give her the heads up anyway.

Anything to avoid her attacking you with a broom like she did the one time you got home late from work.

Just as you went to tuck your phone back in your coat pocket it slipped out of your hand, landing on the ground face down with a loud crack.

“Fuck” you cried, bending down to asses the damage. Thankfully you had a screen protector, so the actual screen was fine. But man you had done a number on it. The uneven cracks that splintered the screen made it difficult to read the time and notifications.

As you rose from your squatting position, you caught a figure out of the corner of your eye ducking behind a car across the street.

You felt your stomach drop.

Slowly… you stood up taller, squaring your shoulders and trying to steady your breathing. You calmly reached for the front clasp of your clutch, thanking any god or the universe that you managed to stow your taser earlier that night.

You chose not to make any sudden movements. Instead you waited. You waited for so long you were starting to question if you had seen anything at all. Maybe you misunderstood and it was the alcohol messing with your senses.

But when you saw the tip of a black hoodie through the window of the car you knew you weren’t losing it.

“Who’s there?” you shouted.

No response.

“Listen,” your voice shook, “I’m about 10 seconds away from dialing 911 so if you’re not interested in explaining to the cops why you’re sneaking up on -”

“Ain’t no need for all that.” You heard a voice call back.

Your breath stilled. As soon as the voice hit you, it was like the ground beneath you had been ripped away. You didn’t even feel like you were in your own body anymore.

You dug your nails into your palm, trying to startle yourself awake. Surely you had to be dreaming.

But when the figure stood and faced you, their hood falling back to reveal their face, you couldn’t deny what you were seeing.

There were so many emotions swelling inside you at once. Disbelief, disappointment, anger and relief.

You didn’t know it was possible to feel so many things at once.

Perhaps the most compelling was the realization that despite everything, you still felt love. So much love that it made you feel weak.

It almost made you forget everything that’s happened.

The feelings of abandonment. The nights of endless tears. The calls and messages that would never seem to go through.

Feelings of confusion. Of constantly wondering what you did wrong.

Questioning if any of it was ever as real to him as it was to you.

You could almost forget it all. Run right across the street into his arms. Hug him and kiss him over and over. Tell him how much you missed him. How much you need him. How much you forgive him if you could just be together again.

But as quickly as those thoughts teased your mind, the feelings of anger and betrayal enveloped you like an unrelenting wave.

You couldn’t allow the love you felt to erase the hell you’ve endured. You wouldn’t.

So you swallowed the tears that threatened to spill and turned away, making bigger strides to get back to your cousin’s apartment.

You could hear him shout your name but you kept moving.

He must have crossed the street because you could hear him calling directly behind you.

You didn’t stop. You didn’t say a word. You just kept moving.

Choosing to run was just plain stupid, but it was your only resort to get away fast.

Not only was it stupid because your feet hurt like hell and you were risking a face plant any second, but it was stupid because he was the fucking punisher.

Any attempt to try and outrun him was pointless. He’d be able to catch you before you could even finish your next thought.

“Hey!” he yelled, finally catching up to you and grabbing your arm. “Just hold up would you?”

“No!” you shouted, yanking yourself out of his grasp. You took a few steps backward and he held his arms up in defense.

At this point you know you looked like a mess. The hot tears you were trying to suppress had spilled over and you could taste the salt of them on your tongue.

You wanted to hate him. You wanted to hate him so much but seeing the pained look on his face broke your heart.

To be honest he looked like shit. He looked like a man who hadn’t slept in months. His beard was long and unkempt. It even looked like he’d lost weight. And his eyes, the biggest tell of all, were sad and empty.

“I just want to talk.” he spoke calmly.

You shook your head. “How did you find me?”

When you left the witness protection program you didn’t even tell Madani where you were going. She tried to pry it out of you, swearing that it was her duty as her job and as a friend to know. However, you wouldn’t budge.

The people that were after Frank had been taken care of according to Dinah. You didn’t want to continue living out the rest of your life looking over your shoulder.

So you thanked her for all of her help and you wished her the best, but you didn’t want any ties to your life back then. You didn’t want any more reminders of him.

“He asks about you, you know?” she had said during your last conversation. “Every week like clockwork. I haven’t told him anything. Just that you’re safe and happy.”

You scoffed, “Well at least one of those is true.”

She was silent for a moment. “I hope you can give yourself a chance to be happy again. Love doesn’t always look the way we want it to and life is hardly ever fair, but once we choose to accept the pieces we are given…. we can allow ourselves to move on.”

You know Dinah meant well. And you appreciated how close the two of you had gotten based on the circumstances. But you weren’t sure if you could agree with what she was suggesting. It felt impossible to move on when your whole body still ached for him.

“Thank you Dinah.” you relented, “Who knew you could be so therapeutic?”

“Just part of the charm.” she laughed.

A comfortable silence fell between you. You were sitting on the balcony of your cousin’s apartment, and for a brief second you felt a little bit of excitement at the opportunity to start over.

Your cousin had managed to get you a job and while it wasn’t exactly what you were doing before, it was familiar work.

You’d be working for a publishing company polishing and approving manuscripts. It was boring, monotonous work but it was safe.

You thanked Madani again and expressed the hope of following up again someday in the future.

Then you changed your number and disabled your emails.

You knew doing so wouldn’t stop them from being able to find you if they really wanted to. Her and Frank were both good for that. But it gave you a sense of control for now. That you were the one deciding to distance yourself this time and the choice wasn’t being made for you.

“Could we go some place to talk?”, his voice broke you out of the memory.

You crossed your arms.

“No. You don’t get to show up out of nowhere after months of silence expecting to just talk. I have nothing to say to you.”

The words that tumbled out of your mouth were meant to be delivered with strength and conviction. Instead, they sounded more like someone trying to convince themselves that they believed them.

“I can explain whatever you want. Just let’s get out of the cold here, there’s a diner not too far out.” he said, tilting his head back towards where you came from. “We could get a cup of co-”

“No, Frank, I want to stay right here.”

He closed his mouth, but you could tell he was trying to keep his composure. You were being stubborn and as much as you hated being in the cold, you didn't want to be around other people.

You didn’t want to take the chance of losing your shit while people were trying to enjoy their food in peace.

“I get that you’re angry, but there’s a lot you don’t understand. I was just trying to protect you.” he tried to reason.

“You left me Frank. You didn’t text, you didn’t call. You left me completely in the dark.” you cried, wiping angrily at your face to rid the tears that were escaping.

“Do you know how scared I was? Having strangers show up to my house and basically tell me I couldn’t exist as me anymore? I had to move and change my name. And the one person I needed more than anything—the one person who could make all of it feel okay— wouldn't even answer a damn phone call.”

You suddenly felt like you were back in the empty apartment Madani had set you up in. You hardly knew her before that day, she was just “someone who had worked with Frank before”, according to what she told you.

But she kept giving you this look. This look that both expressed the pity she felt for you and the wonder of how you ended up in a situation like this? How you managed to get mixed up in the world of Frank Castle?

But you had met him after he had left that life behind him. And according to him, the life that he was never going back to. Things had been good for so long that you never even questioned it until that day. Now you didn’t even know what was real.

“You were in danger alright? I had angered some really powerful people. I had hurt them, did things I’m not proud of and I wasn’t about to let you take the fall for it. You weren’t safe with me.”

“I was always safe with you!” you shouted, “Who else could’ve kept me more safe than you? We could’ve worked it out together, we could’ve came up with a plan—” you stopped as you watched Frank shake his head in disbelief, “What, Frank? What the fuck is that about?”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. Come up with a plan? Really?” he scoffed, “This isn’t team sports. It’s not some dumb escape room you sit around and solve clues in. It’s real fucking life.”

You looked down at your feet. The escape room comment was a low blow. It was something you loved doing and grumpy Frank hated. He’d go along with it if you planned it, not bothering to hide his disdain at first, but by the end of it you knew he had fun with you.

You didn’t think he’d throw it in your face as a means to mock you.

“Frank, we were partners. That’s what you do.” you replied, trying to keep your voice steady. “You work through things together. As a team. Not one person taking over and telling the other person what to do all the time, but see you didn’t ever want to do that did you? You didn’t think I was capable right?”

“Don’t go there.” he warned. You could see his hands start to twitch. In the past his agitation would have gotten you to dial it back a little. You hated fighting with him and it was never worth it.

But this time you didn’t care. You didn’t understand why he was the one so angry.

“Why not?” you probed, “You always made it seem like I was one mistake away from getting myself hurt.”

“That’s because you never took things seriously. You had no sense of danger. Too trusting, too carefree, too-”

“Stupid?” you interjected.

“I didn't say that.” he shot back. He ran his hands through his hair, trying to find some place to channel the tension. You could tell this was not how he wanted the conversation to be going either.

You couldn’t believe you were having this same fight. It was something you never got along about.

You tried to be understanding. You both had different life experiences and because Frank had a military background, he had been trained to look at things a certain way.

He was trained to look for a threat and “take it out before it took you”. Transitioning back to civilian life wasn’t always that simple. Those habits could be hard to unlearn.

It wasn’t always bad, but it wasn’t always necessary.

Not every stranger was a potential threat set out to hurt you.

Staying late at work didn’t mean you were in danger and someone was holding you hostage.

Interviewing a source for your upcoming news article didn’t immediately put a target on your back.

But Frank always anticipated the worst.

You know it was his way of expressing his love but it could be a lot at times. You just wanted to enjoy life together without always feeling like there was some danger lurking around the corner waiting to get you.

“Go ahead Frank,” you continued, “Let me hear how stupid it was for me to walk home by myself tonight. How naive it was to risk getting hurt when I should’ve called a cab.”

“I ain’t gonna act like it was a good idea, and up until a few minutes ago I’m sure you were realizin it wasn’t either.”

You let out a groan.

“I was almost home, besides I don’t think anyone would’ve tried anything with the big bad punisher stalking me.” you said, throwing your arms out dramatically.

“I mean really Frank, what was your plan? Were you just gonna jump out and shout surprise? Were you gonna follow me home to make sure no one grabbed me? Stare down the cars that drove past me? The people that passed me? What was the fucking point?”

For a moment he didn’t say anything.He kept his gaze down at his boots. The twitching of his hands had stopped, and the heavy rise and fall of his chest had slowed down.

“I needed to see you.”

The phrase was simple, but it held such weight.

You understood what he meant. You felt the desperation in his voice. And yet you couldn’t stop the anger from bubbling up.

“What about all the times I needed to see you? To hear your voice? Why didn’t I deserve the decency of a phone call, a text message, anything?”

“I couldn’t risk it.”

“Bullshit.” you spat. “You could risk asking Madani about me?”

His head shot up at that.

“Are we gonna do this all night?” he asked, the anger picking up in his voice again, “Huh? We’re gonna just keep yelling at each other? Who was right? Who was wrong?”

“Yes Frank because I’m angry with you! You made me feel unimportant. You made me feel helpless, like I had no control over my own damn life anymore.” You stepped closer, making sure he couldn’t avoid your eyes.

“You pushed me away like I meant nothing to you!” you shoved him.

“No.” he shouted, “I pushed you away because you meant everything to me!”

He turned away and let out a deep breath through his nose. The weight of his words slamming into you like a wrecking ball.

“Everyone I've ever cared about gets hurt because of me. Because of my demons. Because of the shit I've done to other people. I couldn't take that chance with you. They were so close to hurting you. I had to do something. That’s why I contacted Madani. That’s why we got you into witness protection.”

You felt the sting of the tears start to swell up again. From anger, frustration or sadness you couldn’t tell. Maybe it was all three.

“You want to know why I couldn’t say goodbye to you? Why I couldn’t call you? It’s because I knew—,” he paused and looked off to the side, “I knew that if I saw you—if I just heard your fucking voice—I’d change my mind.”

He finally locked eyes with you again, taking a step closer to you. He was testing it out, seeing how close you would let him get. To his surprise you didn’t move away.

“I couldn’t be selfish with you.” he said softly.

You didn’t know what to say. You knew the people that had been after Frank were relentless, but you never once feared for your life. Maybe there was more to it that he kept from you, and you wanted to trust him, but it didn’t diminish what you experienced while he was gone.

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry I hurt you. But I’m not sorry I did it because you’re safe. And I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, but I’d do it again in a fucking hearbeat if it meant nothing would happen to you.”

“It’s just—.” your voice trembled and you bit your bottom lip. You couldn’t look at him. You couldn’t put the words together.

“What is it?” he asked gently, taking another step towards you. This time he was close enough he grabbed the bottom of your chin and tilted it up towards him.

“I really missed you and I didn’t think you cared about me anymore.” You choked.

Suddenly you felt yourself pressed up against his chest as he pulled you into him. “No baby, that’s not true.” he soothed.

You wrapped your arms around his torso and laid your head on his chest, letting all the pent up emotions slowly release. God you forgot how good it felt to be held by him.

All the nights you longed for this very feeling. For him to hug you and kiss you and tell you everything was gonna be alright.

You could feel your unsteady breathing start to level out again and all the anger and frustration slowly disappear. It was as if he was a magnet, pulling out the deepest emotions you tried so hard to bury.

“I missed you so fucking much you have no idea.” He pulled back, tilting his head down to look at you.

You both locked eyes and without thinking twice you kissed him. He responded instantly, pulling you so tightly against him it was as if he was trying to swallow you whole.

That feeling people mention of the world standing still—you finally understood what that meant.

When you couldn’t breathe anymore you pulled away, resting your forehead against his.

“What does this mean, Frank?” you quietly asked. “Can we be together now? Do we just go back to the way things were before?”

He was quiet for a moment and you almost regretted asking the question.

“It’s whatever you want it to be sweetheart.” he finally answered, “You tell me.”

You weren’t sure what to say. One half of you wanted to be together again. The other half wasn’t so sure you should give in this easily.

What if it happened again? You didn’t doubt there were more people out there that’d like to see Frank Castle and the people he loved, hurt.

Would he push you away? You didn’t think you could survive it a second time.

“Frank, I love you. I want to be with you. But I need you to treat me like an equal. I want to be included in decisions. I don’t want to be kept in the dark again, it isn’t fair.”

Though he wasn’t speaking, you could tell the thoughts were churning in his head.

“If something like this comes up again I want to know about it. I want to have a say in how we handle it. Can you please promise me that?”

Frank let out a heavy sigh. He had to fight with the selfish side of him that wanted to say no. This shouldn’t even be something you have to worry about. He’s the one that should be responsible, not you.

But if he was being honest with himself these past several months were hell. He hated not being with you and maybe compromising would be the best thing to do after all.

He didn’t like making promises in general, but as he looked into your eyes he couldn’t bring himself to fight anymore. He needed to be with you just as much as you needed him too.

“Okay.” he agreed quietly.

“Promise me.” you urged again. You needed to hear him say it.

“I promise.”

You didn’t even realize how tense your body had become until you felt your shoulders relax. Frank pulled you into him again and you could feel the tension in him relax as well.

If anyone would have told you an hour ago you’d be standing in the middle of the street being held by Frank you would’ve told them they were crazy.

There were nights you never thought this moment would come. So as the two of you continued to stand there, holding onto each other. You realized there was probably nothing in this world that could match this feeling.

You would make sure that no matter what was waiting for you around the corner, you’d never let go again.

[risuola]

BROKEN PROMISE — F. READER x GOJO SATORU

He promised he will never leave you.

cw: angst, manga SPOILERS – AND I MEAN IT, IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW THE MANGA DO NOT READ (spoilers regarding chapters 223-236), hurt, blood, death, sadness – all of that jazz, reader is pregnant — 1,1k words

a/n: one of TWO endings to PROMISE – this one's angsty, it’ll rub salt into open wounds, it might make you cry, read the warnings please. If sadness and sorrow isn’t what you’re looking for right now, check THIS FLUFFY alternate ending out!

He made a promise, so he had to keep it.

Satoru promised to never leave you and your daughter, so why you felt like this?

Sitting there, watching how the fight was moving, following every movement of your dearest husband only to see him fail, time after time, over and over. Every time he seemed to be on top, the cursed king crawled back up. Every time something unimaginable happened, something equally unreal followed. Why were you here, stuck in the room full of tv’s, unable to do anything?

Waves of nausea were crashing over you one after another, your breaths slowly turned sharp and shallow as the terror in front of your own eyes played like the bad horror movie. You kept your shaky hands over your belly, smoothing nervous circles over it and your daughter that up until this time was sleeping with calm, now began turning. Your nerves finally got to her.

Your chest began rising and falling at an alarming rate as the panic slowly was taking over, and it’s only the reassuring squeeze on your shoulders, Shoko’s trembling hands, that kept you somewhat grounded. You didn’t even notice her there before, you barely noticed anything in the room. It was only him, struggling to win the fight that from the beginning felt unwinnable.

Thoughts clashed inside your head, your mind was racing off the cliff and you felt like no brakes would stop it now. You were hot, feverish even, but the sweat that glistened over your forehead and the back of your neck felt like ice. Your throat was clenching, as if your own heart got stuck there, preventing you from breathing and you felt the tears threatening to roll down your eyes, when Satoru faced three opponents at one. You managed to make the sound of Yuuta’s voice, because he was right next to you. He tried to hop in and help, he wanted to support his sensei and you wanted nothing more than to join Gojo’s side yourself. You wanted nothing more than to give him whatever power was inside of you, to take the burden of this fight off his shoulders, that although broad and strong, seemed to slowly collapse under the weight. “No,” someone told the boy, but you couldn’t recognize the voice. “It’s his fight, we’d only get in his way,” he reasoned, and you knew it was true, but still wondered if anything would go differently if there was someone, anyone, that would support your love on the battlefield?

And then, it was silent. With the grounds of Shinjuku permanently scarred by the largest, most powerful purple that you had a chance to see, everything around you went silent. Sukuna was standing, barely, bearing deep damages over Megumi’s body and Satoru was there as well. He was wounded, but he was fine. Satoru was fine, he won. Satoru won. He won.

“Something’s wrong…”, you whispered, with eyes glued to the screen, paying no mind into the quiet cheers and comments that were coming to your ears from the very back of the rooms. Satoru won, you should be now exhaling in relief, but why it felt that wrong? “Sukuna’s still standing, it’s not over…”

“What are you talking about, he won, he-“ someone tried to scold you, but it took just a second to shut the whole sound down.

You caught a glimpse of a smirk stretching the lips on Megumi’s face and something bright blinded your eyes for a moment. And then, next thing you saw took your breath away. A deafening silence rang inside your brain, your body stiffened, every muscle tensed at the sight of the purest terror. The sight you could never imagine, the sight of Gojo Satoru, cut in half, on the ground. Blood gushing out of his torn out torso, the lower half of his body still standing as if it didn’t realize how light it became.

Gojo lost.

He promised he will never leave you.

The silence suffocated you. You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t think and only thing that kept you from passing out was the waves of pain shooting out of your shoulder, where Shoko kept her grip iron and shaking. You felt like everything you went through up until this point rushed in front of your eyes, you felt like your own heart was ripped out of your chest and stomped over. Blood left your face and you could feel your body tensing up even more. You could feel your baby girl twisting and turning inside your belly, her feet were constantly kicking your abdominal walls as if she tried to snap you out of the trance. She was the reason you had to keep living, when now you wished nothing more than to die. With him.

Getting up, despite many protests and objections, in few seconds you made your way to the battlefield. As you dropped to your knees right next to Satoru’s body, he still seemed to be aware of what’s around him. He breathed out the smallest huff of air when you landed your hand over his bloodied cheek.

“You did well, Satoru,” you whispered to him.

“So…rry…”, he mouthed, no voice leaving his mouth, but his blue eyes shifted from the sky to your face. “Sorry,” he tried once again and once again, just air slipped over his tongue.

“It’s alright, love,” you told him, caressing his pale skin with your trembling hand.

“I promised,” another try resulted in more blood gushing from his mouth.

“It’s okay. We’ll take care of her together; I know you’ll always be there.”

A tear gathered in the corner of Gojo’s eye, but you were quick to wipe it away with your thumb.

“You don’t need to be the strongest anymore, Satoru,” your whisper caused the corner of his lips go up just slightly. “I love you so much. You can rest now.”

His mouth shivered as he tried to shape them into one more “love you”, before he stilled.

Leaning in, you pressed a kiss to his forehead, gently closing his eyes and finally, the tears burst out of your eyes. It’s as if you were holding them, sparing him the sight of your cries, because if he couldn’t be the strongest anymore, you had to be as strong as you could. But now, you couldn’t feel him anymore.

He lost.

But he promised.

A scream ripped through your throat, burning its way straight out of your heart. A cry of devastation and loss, mourning sound of agony that rushed through your vein as you laid your head down on his unmoving chest; ear over the heart that no longer beat.

He promised.

But now, he was gone.

[guiltysungho]

— Our past, present and future

genre : tags. fluff, exs to lovers, bsf to lovers, flashbacks, childhood friends, summer vacation, love triangle

pairing. bsf!leehan / ex!riwoo x gn!reader

wordcount. 9984

synopsis. Going back to your hometown feels so different now, unable to go back to the way things once were. You find yourself stuck between the love you once had and the possibility of a new love.

a/n. the second part of the past lives event. my longest fic omg. i've been working on it for a bit i really hope y'all like it. it's kinda inspired by love and other words so maybe you'll notice similarities but yeah. i enjoyed writing this so i hope you enjoy reading it and feedback pleasee i always need to improve and criticism is welcome.

@onedoornet

When you lived there you thought you would stay forever. Now everything had changed, and you were on a train going back home when you thought you would never come back.

There were so many reasons you grew to hate the town that you once loved so much, but the true reason you left to never come back was Lee Sanghyeok.

As you sat in the train you couldn’t help your brain traveling back to the town with all the memories it encapsulated, the love, the joy, all the feelings rushing back in all at once. The people you sat with were just as familiar, they had brought all those feelings into your new life, and helped you forget those memories you dreaded.

You had promised each other that if you passed your finals, you would take them to see your hometown. Often, you’d feel reminiscent of your childhood days, when you only had fun, when the damage hadn’t been done yet. You would tell them all about your childhood home, the seaside sunsets, all the flavours you tasted, all the sights you’d seen. So, they wanted to see it for themselves, and you agreed because there was always the chance of you failing, but you didn’t.

Now here you were, with your three closest friends taking the express train, on the verge of tears because it felt like so long, a whole year. Everything could change in a year; you had no idea where to place yourself. You were going home, why did it not feel that way? Beside you, Donghyun kept his eyes on you resting your head to the side gazing out the window, he knew you wouldn’t tell him your mind, but he could tell something was up.

He could see your frown in the reflection of the glass you stared through, watching the greens pass you by, your teeth pulling sharply on your bottom lip. You first felt his fingertips graze your wrist, then his hand slipped in yours, gentle brushes from his thumb on the back of your hand. One deep inhale, focusing your thoughts on the hand that was holding you, a gentle reminder that you wouldn’t be dealing with anything alone, you were so well surrounded.

A glance in his direction, his eyes were already on you, careful and attentive, he’d give you all his attention if that was what you needed. You were unsure how he did it, how he made you feel so safe with just a look, you could never truly feel worry when you were with him.

He nudged his shoulder for you to rest on, shifting closer to you in his seat for you to place your head in the space he saved for you, and you did, letting yourself soak in all the warmth he brought, enveloping you carefully in the safety of Kim Donghyun. Sometimes you wished he would make it harder for you to fall for him, it was truly the easiest thing, falling. But when it was the last thing you wanted it became a challenge.

You’d felt all this comfort in someone else, not so long ago, you loved everything you felt when you were with them so much that when you lost it, you promised yourself to rule out the feeling from your life completely, but then you met Donghyun. Your heart would play the same old melodies that you knew so well, you would look forward to his mindless touches, any contact felt right when he was the perpetrator. You wouldn’t give in completely, as much as you wanted to, as much as you pictured all the ideal ways these feelings could lead you, it was a risk you were not willing to take, not so soon.

Somehow you were fine with the idea of Sanghyeok being your first and last love.

It was impossible to guess at the time how much your first encounter would impact your lives, you were so young then, full of light and curiosity, you always aspired to know more, to dig deeper and understand better. That same curiosity could be the reason you met in the first place, the reason your relationship grew so much to the point of crashing down.

It was the youngest you could remember yourself. During a hot summer, where you would play outside often with other kids from the neighbourhood. You would play around the fountain splashing water on one another while one of their parents watched over you. They didn’t always watch close enough because you always ended up escaping the fun to roam around the small streets, looking for trinkets, coins and anything you could find to build your collection.

It was on one of those days that you saw him, sitting alone on a sidewalk fully occupied by the device he pressed repeatedly in his hands, not noticing your presence until you sat beside him, leaning in closer to get a peek at the fun. He took a quick glance at you before continuing his game, stretching his arms forward for you to see clearly the gameplay. You weren’t familiar with video games at the time, your leisure activities consisted of playing dolls, and swinging on monkey bars but this was life changing.

“You made me lose.” The words “game over” read on the dark screen, you turned to him with a slight frown wondering what happened to the magic on the screen. He simply handed you the device placing your fingers carefully on the right buttons.

“You have to press here and here,” pushing down your fingers pressing them against the buttons as he explained, “don’t stop, okay?” as you nodded, he pressed the start button, and you tried your best to replicate his instructions.

After a few presses, you found yourself in front of the same black screen with the words game over on it, you looked at him stunned by how quickly it ended, and he smiled taking his game back from you.

“You’re not very good.” He said getting up on his feet putting the game in his pocket, you blinked at him confused, how could he be any better he wasn’t even older than you? “Come back tomorrow, I’ll let you play more, okay?” And just like that he was gone running up to a lady who took him by the hand as he walked off.

Then came your neighbour’s mom ready to scold you for running off again, she would eventually get used to it because she always knew where to find you. On that dirty sidewalk with the boy that lived downtown, you had grown closer that summer, seeing each other every day did that.

Being toddlers, your parents inevitably met and then came the playdates, the birthday parties, your parents often reminded you that he wasn’t going to always be around so his eventual absence wouldn’t hit you as hard. He was staying for the summer with his grandparents so he would end up leaving. It wasn’t until the last day of summer that you felt the sadness, he was there with you, eating ice cream together on the swings, watching you sniffle with a soft pout on your lips between every lick.

“Are you sad?” He asked swinging gently with the cool summer breeze, you turned him as your pout deepened on the verge of bursting in a loud cry.

He stood up walking over to you to pat you on the head, “Why are you crying?”

“I don’t want you to go.” You coughed out the words between your sobs, letting your tears coat your face, his brows furrowed as he tilted his head.

“To go? Where?” You frowned at him, surprised that he could joke when you were so sad, then he smiled and so you pushed him away from you, walking away from the “bully” you called friend.

He caught up with you, still obviously amused, you stopped in your tracks turning to him somewhat offended by the smile on his face; “Sanghyeok, you’re being really mean right now.”

“You’re right I’m sorry, but I’ll cheer you up.” You wiped your tears off your face, sighing as you looked at him curious about how he would do that, “I’m not going anywhere, so stop crying.”

The relief you felt hearing those words was incomparable to anything you had ever felt before, he patted your head once again ruffling it to a frizzy mess before taking his leave. After that you came to realize that whenever you were with him, you ended up discovering something new, about the world, or just yourself, that you had so many secrets inside you waiting to be uncovered, more curiosity grew.

Now you were older, and you still didn’t know yourself entirely, but you were getting there and maybe this trip would help you, maybe it didn’t have to be as bad as you imagined.

You finally reach your destination after a long train ride; you gather all your bags and guide your friends through the station to the welcoming area where your parents promised to be.

It’s surprisingly crowded; you scan the room a couple of times before reaching for your phone. Your dad had messaged you a couple minutes ago that they were waiting so why can’t you see them?

A sharp pull on your wrist makes you stumble back, looking at the hand around your wrist you’re ready to snap at Donghyun till you notice the grimace on his face, gaze fixed in front of you, somehow you already know what you’ll see before you turn.

“Why are you here?” it comes out of your mouth before you can even think it, you watch his expression decompose sighing as he points over to the exit.

“Your parents brought me along, I’m sorry I should’ve declined.” You let out a quiet “oh”, looking over to your friends who are clueless to the situation, you gesture for him to lead the way following behind with the others. You feel Donghyun’s hand slide down from your wrist to your palm, holding your hand to keep you by his side.

“That’s him, right?” he leans lower to your ear to whisper the question, you look at him over your shoulder with a playful frown.

“Stop.”

He smiles as he stands up straight, squeezing your hand gently in his, bringing the same smile to your lips as you walk to your parent’s van.

Introductions go smoothly, Sanghyeok had excused himself into the car, taking the driver’s seat. Jiyeon, one of your friends comes up to you as you’re all entering the van, Haneul following behind.

“Why don’t we get to know the driver?” She whines in your ear, amused by your reaction bursting into a quiet laughter with her second pair.

“But seriously, you’re gonna need to do some explaining.” Haneul tells you before taking her seat beside you, leaving the last seat on the row for Donghyun who joins soon after.

The drive feels nice, you look out through the window over his shoulder, resting on it as you listen to your parents’ chatter, letting your friends answer in your place as you doze off just like you always did in the past, driving home.

Seeing him again felt worse than you imagined it would, not because you had so much hatred for him but because you could feel clearly how much you actually missed him, how much you wanted to live back all those years together.

 When you get home, your parents try making you talk, telling you all about everything he’d been helping them with. The thought that he stayed close to your parents even after you stopped talking only made the situation more awkward. You excuse yourself going to help your guests and listening to him say his goodbyes as you walk off. You hate that your parents still push the narrative of a future between you two when that ship had sailed.

To enjoy the first night, you decide to take your friends down to the beach for a late-night dip. It’s one of those things you missed about this town, quiet strolls down to the beach paired with the gentle cool summer breeze, the perfect remedy for such a day.

“So, he’s your ex.” Jiyeon nods at you like to congratulate you for scoring such a fine man, you shake your head back dismissing her. You’re all sat on the sand watching the waves pull back and forth as the sky darkens, using the time to talk about anything that crosses your minds.

“Why’d you break up? Is he like… an asshole?” Haneul giggles leaning in to hear all the gossip, they all look at you expectantly waiting for you to reveal all the bad things he’d done but you shake your head again.

“No, he was a great guy, great boyfriend, great friend but he broke my heart…” The image of the last time you saw him flashed in your mind forcing you to take a deep breath.

‘Sounds like you still like him.”

“It does, right?” you laugh at yourself, standing up taking off your towel before walking down to the shore, cringing at the water temperature, waving for them to join you. The girls follow behind you closely, complaining about the cold water into your ears. Turning away from them, right in front of you was Donghyun, you watch him pull his shirt over his head, revealing a beautifully sculpted body, mindlessly gawking at the scene as the girls swarm around you.

“Here comes plan B.” You dart your eyes at Haneul, who smiles back innocently hugging you close by the waist.

“She’s right, look at him.” You are looking, it’s hard to take your eyes off. He was attractive with clothes but seeing him shirtless had you drooling. He finally reaches you and the two leave your sides. You look him up and down before landing back on his eyes giving him a cute smile, he tilts his head curiously as a smirk grew at the corner of his lips.

Before you can say anything, you’re getting splashed with cold water from multiple directions making you lean in closer to find refuge in his arms, placing your head against his chest as you keep your head down.

“I thought you wanted to swim.” his voice sounds so close to your ear it almost makes you jump back.

“It’s too cold.” you mumble at his chest, he wraps his arm around your lower back and then under your knees sweeping you off your feet, a playful smile on his lips as he speaks up.

“Here let me help.” Walking further into the water, keeping you trapped in his arms, laughing as you cry to get out of the water, kicking your feet as you whine, he gives you a playful air kiss before bending down, soaking you both in the cold water.

You push him off the moment you got in the water, splashing him as you tried to escape him. The two others cheer you on as you swim away, splashing water on all of them with your feet. You all end up in the ocean swimming till it’s too dark to see anything anymore.

As you got older, you found that your feelings for Sanghyeok only kept on evolving, by the time you were in high school it was undeniable that the feelings were far from platonic. However, it also got harder at that point in your lives, everything was revealing itself to be more complicated that you’d initially thought.

“I’ll see you after classes, just wait for me at the gate.” You smiled at him as you unbuckled your seatbelt, stepping out the car with a wave. Sanghyeok had been admitted to a private school by his parents so for the first time in a while you wouldn’t be together at school.

Ever since he got older, his parents had grown more controlling over him, dictating most of his movements and making big decisions for him, with his best interest at heart – of course. Still, you wished he could be closer now, more than ever because of the romance mess high school brought.

It wasn’t as hard to function without him around as you thought it would be, but it felt empty. You met a bunch of new kids your age, and it made you enthusiastic about getting to know new people, but you couldn't wait for the end of the day when you would reunite with the only one that mattered to you.

Finally, the day at school ended, you’d made enough friends in your first day to keep yourself occupied for the rest of the school year – you had good classmates. As you walked out the school compound you could already see him waiting there by the gate, his head down on his phone. You weren’t the only one who’d noticed him apparently, mummers and fingers pointing in his direction all around the entrance, his popularity only seemed to grow as you got older.

He lifted his head up meeting your eyes as you reached him, soft smile on his lips as he greeted you.

“Wanna go to a study café? I’ll help with your notes.” You looked around you at the gossip crowd that formed around you. You gave him a blank stare unamused by him feeding the rumours, he squeezed a tight apologetic smile opening the door for you to get in.

“You’re dead.” you whispered as you ducked you head to enter the car.

Shutting the door close, he smiled all the way to his seat beside you, turning to you curiously.

“Seriously you have to stop doing that, I enjoy being a nobody.”

“You’re my best friend, that’s not gonna be possible.” You rolled your eyes at him as he told his driver to take you to the café you studied at usually in middle school. “I missed you today.”

“Of course you did. Remind me why you’re so popular again? It’s actually pissing me off.” He laughed at your annoyance; he knew it just meant you missed him too. He enjoyed reading your emotions through your intonations, most of the time he felt he was the only one who could understand how you were truly feeling. You kept the actual feelings to yourself because you knew he could tell.

“Young and rich—"

“Short and handsome?” He glanced at you with a pleased grin, completely dismissing the diss. You turned away from him, focusing your gaze out the window.

He leaned in, trying to grab your attention, noticing the red pigment at the tip of your ear, he scoffed at how easily it was to tease you. You turned back to him and were met with a sudden proximity making you widen your eyes, turning away slowly, completely stunned.

The moment the driver announced you had arrived you got out of the car, craving any sort of escape from the situation. He cleared his throat as he stepped out of the car, joining you at the entrance, opening the door for you to enter first.

“How was your first day, by the way?” You snorted out a laugh covering your mouth, you applauded the attempt clear the air, forcing your smile to a straight face. He sighed taking a seat in the booth you usually took.

“Honestly, not bad. How about you?”

He nodded agreeing, telling you a bit about the sprouts of drama starting in his class already. The chattering slowly died out after you brought out your books, respectively focusing on your workload. The occasional glances up at each other, seeing how well you were dealing with the tasks.

“Come over.” You nudged over to the space beside you for him to join you. He took the seat, and you showed him where you were stuck, he knew exactly what to say to help you decipher the question. Handing you back your pen he watched as you took your time to fix your mistake, following the instructions he gave you. Seeing you get a hang of it brought a smile to his lips, he watched your eyebrows furrow at the step you reached confused once again. He simply pointed out the elements you needed, and you nodded seemingly understanding; his eyes stayed there on your face, locked on as you solved the problem.

Your soft pout while you thought of the next steps, made him want to give you more complex equations, just to watch that play out over and over again. The hair you had tucked back behind your ear fell forward, completely blocking his view, bringing him back to his senses, glancing at your exercise sheet only to bring his gaze right back. His hand reached forward grazing your hair strands, ready to push them away but then your hand came up, doing it instead, making him retrieve his hand.

You glanced over at him mindlessly, meeting his eyes for a second before turning back to your work, “Thanks, I got it.”

“Of course.”

After a few more minutes of studying, you finally ended the session for the day, and went home together. It was that way most days in your first year of high school, drop offs in the morning, then the café after school and then you would walk home together. It was mostly him walking you home, he lived closer to the café but he always walked you up home.

Finishing earlier than scheduled one winter day, you decided to go over to his school for once. It was a short walk, the air was cold but that was how you liked it, you sat opposite of the school entrance on a bench. It was nearly time for him to finish so you wouldn’t be there long. You had always wondered how he was at school, away from you, he’d told you so many things, but it was more interesting seeing it for yourself.

The school bell echoed out making you sit up, looking carefully at the mass of kids that walked out the fancy gates hoping to find him there. When you finally did see him, you felt your heart drop to your stomach, it was dumb he could have other friends so why was this one making you so devasted?

She seemed close to him, she was close to him physically, her arm wrapped around his and he smiled at her, did he ever smile at you like that? He’d never mentioned being this close to anyone, you felt a fool. She gave him a hug before walking away with a pretty smile on her face and he watched her walk away with a slight smile, you thought you were the only one he watched leave.

You took in a deep breathe before standing up, you couldn’t make it seem like you cared too much he was free to live, but he could’ve told you. You brush the plaguing thoughts down as you approached him forcing a smile on, seeing the shock on his face from your presence.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” A soft chuckle escaped his lips as he glanced in the direction the girl left in, then back at you.

You tried to compose your thoughts taking in a breath, closing your eyes for a second, you wished you weren’t so affected by it.

“I finished earlier. You never mentioned having such a close friend.” Looking up at him for confirmation that she was in fact just a friend, instead he sighed clearing his throat.

“She’s… I don’t know how to explain this but my parents, they want us to… get to know each other?” He’d thought of so many ways of bringing up this situation, but it never felt right so he figured it could be the one thing he kept from you but now you’d seen it, and he couldn’t just avoid the confrontation.

“Oh. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“There’s not really anything to say, I didn’t want you to think anything of it…”

“So, there’s nothing going on between you two?” You let him place his hand on your head, patting gently with a smile.

“Is yn jealous perhaps?” You frowned at him, pushing his hand off your head, you couldn’t find it in you to just move on from this with a laugh.

“Don’t do that. I didn’t think we had to hide things from each other but apparently, I was wrong.”

“It’s really not like that… We’re only close because our parents keep forcing it, you know how they are.”

“Whatever. Let’s just go.”

He tried reaching for the door to open it for you, but you grabbed it first, taking your seat and shutting the door immediately. The drive was quiet, you figured the study session would be as well. You didn’t think you would get angry with him, but he just kept fuelling the fire, you felt like any other girl demanding information from him, when you were his closest friend. Apparently, that wasn’t enough for him to be honest with you.

You took your seats at the café, and you could feel his eyes glaring through you as you tried focusing on your work. You sighed looking up at him, tilting your head at him wondering what he wanted.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but it was hard, I wasn’t sure how you would take it.” He hesitated as he spoke, looking at you carefully hoping he hadn’t said the wrong thing again.

“Your parents want you to date her?” He nodded watching you fidgeting with your pens, you nodded as well registering the information. “So, you’re going to—”

“No. I’m not, I don’t like her like that.”

You stared at him for a moment thinking about it. So far, he hadn’t done much to rebel against his parents, it was hard to believe that he wouldn’t go through with this.

“So, nothing is going on between you two?”

“No yn”

“Did something… happen?” His lips parted open for a second before shutting close, he brought his gaze up to meet yours. Your head turned, confused by the look, but it meant exactly what you thought.

“You had—”

“No! No, we just kissed once, it was at that party I told you about…” He stammered the words shakily, his gaze shifting away from yours as he spoke.

You couldn’t be mad at this, he was a guy, and he was popular you should’ve seen it coming, but you didn’t. You had this idea in the back of your mind that you would be each other’s first, it was dumb but now it felt even dumber. You couldn’t bring yourself to speak up again.

“You’re mad...?” It was obvious, you shook your head at him denying the obvious, “It really didn’t mean anything, like it was a dare.”

“I’m not mad, Sanghyeok. You can kiss whoever you want I don’t really care, It’s cool.”

“You obviously don’t mean that.” His brows furrowed as he moved over to your side of the booth, hoping to reassure you in some way.

“It doesn’t matter. You’ve probably kissed a bunch of people.” You could feel him close, trying to understand searching for your gaze as you spoke, there was a brief moment of silence before he spoke up again.

“I’ve… only ever wanted to kiss one person.”

You turned to him curiously, the question ready to leave your lips but the answer told itself. The soft smile he had as he watched you look over to him, his eyes landing on your lips in a heartbeat, it was all so clear. You wanted to be patient and wait for his lips to press against yours, but it felt out of your hands, you let your heart take the leap.

Inching closer with every breathe, till there was no room to breathe anymore, it felt so natural, his taste felt so familiar. You let your hands guide you to places on his body, places you had touched before but never with so much eagerness, thirst. His tongue slipping into your mouth only added to that feeling, you wanted everything he had to offer, to taste every lingering flavour in his pallet.

A mutual feeling, you could tell as he pulled you closer, hand wrapping around your thigh with a firm grip. Gradually gliding his hand further up your thigh, forcing you back to your senses as you stopped his hand, pulling you away from your fantasy.

When you were younger the town always seemed so big, like there was always something new to discover, you never really had time to be bored but now everything was different.

You look over to your friends laying on your bedroom floor with their respective fans blowing cool air in their faces, taking turns to whine about the hot weather. Your mom had brought diced watermelons for them to snack on while you stayed indoors for the day.

“It’ll be cooler in the evening we can go out then, I promise it will be fun.” Jiyeon looks at you with an exhausted smile expressing her enthusiasm the best she could.

“I’m so sorry guys, I didn’t know they closed the pool. It’s usually best in there when it’s this hot.” You spray each of them with water hoping to keep them alive till the evening.

For the rest of the afternoon, you just sit there on the cool floors, sharing an ice pack till it melts in the sun. It all feels like an unspoken bond that you will all remember for a long time, trying to stay cool in the hot southern summer. Slowly each of you falls asleep waiting for the sun to set, you in Donghyun’s lap as he rests back against the bed, dosing off to the soft snores coming from Haneul who slept soundly resting her legs on your belly, Jiyeon cuddled up right by her side.

Blinking your eyes open you sit up from your spot, yawning quietly as you push the feet on your stomach off. You turn to your own pillow who was already up, you let your head rest on his shoulder still feeling sleepy from your nap.

“You can go ahead and shower first, we’ll probably just go around town, get drinks… I don’t know, it’ll be fun.” You ramble quietly to him, you never knew how you ended up so close, but you always managed to find a spot in Donghyun’s comfort, he’d hold you there for a while and then you would move on like it was only normal.

After about an hour, you finally step out of the house with the group into the poorly lit streets of the town. It had been a while since you last roamed these streets but every memory that you experienced came back to you so lividly. Walking down that road through the empty playground you used to play in, down to the street where you sat playing videogames till it was dark, the same darkness that circled you now.

You tell your friends all about the past memories always leaving out the most significant part, the love that you felt, the one person you spent your days with. You liked thinking erasing him from the memories would make it easier to forget him, to move on without him but all it did was provide a gap, a void, that it seemed would never be filled.

“So, this is where you grew up.” You look over to your side following the voice, a reminder you could build new memories to look back on. “It suits you.”

“You think? I feel like I was meant to be out there.” You smile mindlessly, he can tell you’re getting lost in your thoughts, telling stories you hadn’t thought about in forever, trying your best to cherish the past instead of hating it altogether, he could see all this.

“I think it helped build up all that curiosity, starting off here I think, made you more eager to know more.” You look up at him, his soft features lit perfectly under the dim streetlights paired with a soft smile.

It feels like you’re alone, just the two of you in those quiet streets, staring into each other’s eyes trying to communicate your true feelings through them. Playing a dumb game when you both know. In each moment spent together you can feel how real your hearts’ desire is.

He’s had the words at his throat for a while, waiting for the right moment to tell you honestly but it never feels right, you’re never fully there, even now as you walk the same path side by side your heart lies somewhere else. It complicates things when he doesn’t know whether to help you move on or if you need to hold on to that feeling, that maybe what ever you are holding on to is best for you because he can’t afford to be selfish when it comes to your happiness.

“Omg y’all are actually pissing me off.” You look down at the floor as Haneul takes a space between the both of you breaking off the tension, she wraps her arm around your shoulder and walks you away from Donghyun.

“I feel like Sebastian in the little mermaid trying to set y’all up,” she complains as you get to the town centre, guiding her along to the mart, “you know it’s obvious you like him, right?”

“No?” You turn to her with a frown making her laugh, raising an eyebrow at you questioning your seriousness.

“Well yes baby. You’re always staring into each other’s eyes affectionately like fucking robots it’s so annoying just kiss oh my god.” You groan covering your face in your hand as you step into the store, her giggles echoing in your ear.

“I don’t want to kiss him.”

“And I don’t want to get drunk tonight yet look where we are,” She shrugs grabbing a couple drinks, you look over to the two others at the other end of the aisle and sigh to yourself, “Shalala don’t be shy, you gotta kiss the boy.”

You push her off gently, shaking your head at her playful attitude, grabbing a couple drinks before going over to the others. You try your best to stay focused on the task at hand, gathering the drinks, deciding on other snacks you could grab for the night, glancing at Donghyun, eyes on his lips. Admitting it was hard, but you only had one thing in mind since she mentioned it.

There is no use feeding into it, you like him as a friend more than you want to feel his lips on yours, he was a very valuable friend, and relationships tend to end badly so no matter how much his lips seemed appealing you had to stay away from them.

After getting everything necessary from the store you bring them down to the dock where all the fishermen boats are gathered, a usual drinking spot for underaged teens and overaged drunkards but a perfect spot, nonetheless. The water is calm and the boats rock gently on it, swaying from side to side with the wind, blue moonlight above shining so perfectly across the sky bringing a faint light to your encampment.

The drinks were opened as soon as you found a nice spot at the edge of the dock, right by the water. You sit there together, feet dangling off the edge swinging in the gentle night breeze. It feels right being there together, you never had the exhilarating experience of drinking here with your friends in your teenage years, but you imagine it would have been just like this. Laughter in the air, questionable cocktails and childish games.

“Okay, never have I ever…” Jiyeon glances between you and Donghyun with a sheepish smile, “wanted to kiss my friend. On the lips. French style.”

You roll your eyes bringing the drink to your lips, you had a habit of falling for your friends, so it wasn’t necessarily about this situation, but you let them take it as they want. You look over to him downing the last drops of his drink, your eyes meet as he put the bottle down.

“So which friend?” Haneul asks loudly tearing your gaze away from him and to glare at her. “What? I’m curious.”

“It was a while ago, so you wouldn’t know.”

“The guy at the station, right?” She grins proud of her deduction; you take a deep breath before nodding in response.

“So, no recent friends you want to kiss?”

“What are y’all doing?” You smile through the frown, taken aback by the sudden interrogation. They giggle in unison, drunken voices brushing the whole thing aside, waving around their hands dismissingly.

You sigh turning to Donghyun who was sat on the opposite side of the dock, giving him a tight-lipped smile. He smiles back breathing out a soft laugh, he points over to the spot beside you while the two other dance to the song they made up. You shift slightly to the side inviting him to join you.

“They seem to be having fun.” You glance over to the pair as he sits by the edge beside you, slow dancing to the sound of crickets holding their bottles loosely in their hands.

“Yeah.”

Silence felt unsettling to you most of the time, but then there were the silent moments shared with Donghyun and those just felt comforting. He brought that feeling along with him at all times, just being close to him you could feel it, maybe that was why you liked being so close, because you liked that warmth. You aren’t very close but without looking you can tell his hand is only inches away from yours.

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” he turns over to you and your gaze follows, “You don’t really like it here, do you?” You smile, of course he would notice.

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s a love hate relationship, I had so many good memories here, I’ve been my happiest in these streets, but I guess looking back on it make me sad.” He nods and his hand feels closer than before.

“Do you miss living here?”

“I miss my childhood but that’s normal, I had good friends...” He’s further away again, hesitating once again.

“Your ex? He was a childhood friend?” You take a couple gulps from your drink finishing it at once, you force a smile looking away from him as you do.

“Yeah, my closest friend actually. It probably should’ve stayed that way; it would’ve been better for a lot of people.” His brows furrow as he listens to you, watching you try your best to act like you genuinely did believe the things you were saying.

“You don’t have to see it as a bad thing, you live and you learn, I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. So, try looking at the doors that opened for you after you lost that.” You let him place his hand on yours, listening to his advice, words you know you needed to hear.

“We got a lot closer, and I’m really glad we did, you’re one of my favourite people now.”

“Not your favourite yet?”

“You’re getting there.”

“Also, I saw you drinking earlier. Who’s the lucky girl?” It was a naïve question, but you weren’t able to separate your thoughts from things you wanted to say out loud anymore. There was a possibility it wasn’t about you, maybe he also had an old friend he liked but he made it so obvious you couldn’t even tell yourself lies.

“Who do you think it is?” He asks quietly, staring into your eyes intently, feeling himself draw closer to you so slowly you can barely notice.

You can move away, turn from his gaze, push him off but you don’t, you don’t want to, but you feel as though you have to. You want so badly to leave the past behind, but it holds so many unanswered questions, questions you’d been convincing yourself you knew the answers to but whenever you thought back, it was all a blur. Still, you stay there, watching his eyes land on your lips as they part open, he looks back up into your eyes placing his hand on your cheek, leaning in till he can feel your lips brush against him, your eyes fluttering shut.

“Oh my god look!” The voice brings you back to your senses, pulling away immediately as you turn over to the sound.

“Sunrise already?” The other chimes in, taking her seat beside you. They set this all up only to ruin their plotting in the end, their drunken state overpowered any scheming.

After watching the sunrise, you walk back to your house, swaying from side to side unable to stay balanced with all the alcohol in your system. His gaze always ends up on you, whether he’s helping one of the others up after tripping or holding you so you don’t, he just wishes he could understand, where your mind is.

When you finally reach home, you all swarm into the room as fall asleep in whatever position worked the best. Somehow everyone found a spot on your single sized bed.

A wave of thirst hits you in the middle of your sleep, forcing you out of bed and into the kitchen, chugging down full glasses of water.

“Ah there they are.” You look over to your mom on the sofa with Sanghyeok, you scrunch your face in confusion looking at the clock to confirm to yourself that it was still morning. You yawn as you make your way over to your mom.

“Why is he here?”

“Ask him yourself.” You groan as your mom taps your shoulder gently, leaving you alone in the room with him. You sit beside him on the couch with tired eyes, dozing off mindlessly.

“So why are you here?” You ask eyes closed, the taste of alcohol still strong in your mouth despite all the water.

“I just brought your parents some fruits, from the parents’ garden and your mom invited me in. She said you would be sleeping so I accepted.”

“So, you didn’t want to see me?”

“I always want to see you y/n.” You look over to him, only to look away with a sigh, you want to indulge in it, play blind, act like the past year didn’t completely destroy you, but it did so you can’t.

“Don’t do that.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to come back, I figured you needed the space but now you’re back… and you’re still ignoring me, you look at me like you don’t know me, I don’t—”

“That’s not fair Sanghyeok,” you bite down your bottom lip, trying to stabilize your breathing, looking at anything but him as you inhale, “It was all so confusing for me. Seeing you with her, I got scared and I know I could’ve just talked to you about it, but I’m still scared.”

You couldn’t have predicted at the time that the kiss you shared would change your relationship so drastically, but it was inevitable. You knew you liked him, but you hadn’t thought you would get this far so it got awkward at first, you didn’t even mention the kiss in the week following it.

Maybe it had gotten too weird between you, maybe it was obvious that you were avoiding eye contact, because one day he just asked you directly, “Did you not like it? The kiss?” You answered slightly too enthusiastically that you in fact did enjoy the kiss.

He asked in the most sincere way, no paraphrasing, just the right words to get his point across, “I want you to be my girlfriend, would you… like that?” It seemed surreal at the time, your best friend asking you to be his girlfriend, you’d dreamt of the idea so many times and the reality was so much better. You hadn’t realized when your feelings had grown to the point of wanting to be closer than close with him and then suddenly, he felt the same.

Being in a relationship with Sanghyeok almost felt the same as just being friends, you were always together either way, but everything became more intense. When you were happy with him it felt like you could feel the joy oozing out your pores and everywhere, like you could never feel a single pain in life again. You never really did feel pain when you were with him, he always knew how to make it all better.

Some days you would meet him at school and see him with that girl, just talking as he walked out, and it would feel like the most excruciating pain just seeing them together. You never thought of yourself as the jealous type, but it felt like she had some sort of upper hand over you, being his parents’ choice, spending days at school with Sanghyeok, it somehow made you feel inferior.

You never did talk to him about these feelings because they felt dumb, but you couldn’t help yourself from feeling that way. He could sometimes see it on your face whenever she’d wave you both goodbye, he could tell you were still weary of her.

“Do you want me to stop talking to her?” He asked one of those days when you were headed to his place, you turned to him startled that he would think you would be so controlling but smile on his face revealed the humour.

“I really don’t have anything against her.” he nodded agreeing.

“If it reassures you in some way, she doesn’t like guys and I like you more than anyone else.” In some ways it did reassure you, even though you tried to act indifferent you needed to hear it, to hear that you weren’t the only one that felt those feelings.

Gradually you grew more confident in your relationship, his parents came to accept your relationship after seeing how committed the both of you were and you rarely thought about her, except the times you did.

Just as your relationship lasted through high school so did their friendship, and while you didn’t care as much you still felt cautious. With Sanghyeok everything was so simple, you often wondered if it would always stay that way.

After high school, you once again got separated from each other but this time on your own accord, you didn’t mind the distance between because you knew where to find each other in the end. Every chance you would get you would take that 5-hour train to see him, hold him till sunrise, talking about the exhausting college life. Everything would become so simple again, all you had to do was be together.

When he got his license, it was even better, you could walk out of your faculty building and just see him there, waiting for you like there was no other place you should be. You would take him to all the places you been wanting to eat in your new city, not having found off campus friends yet he became that for you as well.

So, your first year was quite enjoyable, studying was hard, and classes were a bore, but you were happy, you had someone. After your finals, you were ready to go home for the summer, spend it in good company and enjoy life. You had planned so many things together that summer, you could barely hold back your anticipation.

The initial plan was to wait for him to finish his own exams and from there he would pick you up and you would go back home together but you couldn’t wait, so you took the first train after your last exam. It would be a nice surprise, that was exciting, the idea of surprising him for once. You had forgotten what happened the last time you had a similar idea.

You had only one thing in mind and that was seeing him so the minute you got into town you took a cab to his parents’ place, sneaking in with your spare key. You had planned out the surprise so perfectly and then it wasn’t so perfect. At first all you could hear was her voice, so you followed it attentively, you saw her then him, Lee Sanghyeok.

You were ready to step in and go through with your plan, but something stopped you. The two of them together in his house wasn’t an unusual scene but him down on one knee brandishing a ring wasn’t. A proposal? You almost stubbled back, completely shocked, but you quickly regained your senses and walked out the house.

You had never walked as fast as you did that evening fleeing from the nightmare you had experienced, so many thoughts running through your mind as you sped to the main road to catch a taxi back to the station and out of the town.

Frankly you didn’t want to think, to think that you had been a fool for the entirety of those years spent together, that he could throw away your friendship so easily, that you wouldn’t know how to unlove him even after this.

 So, you cried instead, you cried more than you had cried your whole life in that one night, you wanted to understand, to make sense out of what you had seen but you just couldn’t. You sobbed quietly on the train and out loud in your apartment, you could feel your phone buzzing in your pocket, and you knew it would be him, checking up on you as he usually did, completely oblivious to the fact that you knew now.

After that night you tried to limit the tears, you had a life to live so you tried to continue living but when the tears would fall was out of your control. You would think you were finally catching your breath and then your cheeks would feel wet again. You kept your phone off indefinitely, you didn’t want to block him, that would mean the end and you were still holding on to the idea for some reason.

Turning off your phone consequently made you loose track of time, and forget plans, one of those days following the incident you got a knock on your door and your first thought was to ignore it worried it would be him, but the knock spoke.

“Hey y/n, it’s Donghyun. We were supposed to meet today you haven’t been answering your messages, I’m just checking in to know if you’re okay I guess.” Donghyun, you met him during exam period, your first off campus friend. You often hung out after exams just doing anything that felt doable, you enjoyed his company. You had promised to see each other before you left, before anything happened.

You walked over to the door in pyjamas, hair messy, eyes puffy, and for some reason you opened it. You gave him your best smile which probably looked like your worst.

“Sorry. I just—” you swallowed down the tears taking a deep breath, before you could speak again, he interrupted you.

“Don’t apologize please, I was honestly just worried.” He gives you the sweetest smile, putting you at ease in an instant.

“Do you want to come in? It’s actually kinda messy—”

“That’s fine.” Maybe it was the high from the dehydration but something about Donghyun made you feel slightly better, just in his presence you could feel the sadness wearing off. He talked to you about all sorts of things that had nothing to do with the state you were in, but it wasn’t because he didn’t care but he was willing to wait for you to tell him.

You never did tell him much, just that it was a love problem so it would take some time to heal the wounds. Even though he didn’t do much you felt taken care of, all you did was talk and yet you felt the best you had felt in 3 days. You ended up falling asleep there on the couch beside him and then he left.

Stepping out the door was the first time he saw Sanghyeok, both men were quite surprised to see the other, but Sanghyeok spoke first.

“Oh, are you Donghyun?” he nodded in response, “Is y/n home? I’ve been trying to reach them… I don’t know, I just want to know that they’re okay.”

“I think you should give them some space.” Sanghyeok’s eyebrows furrowed for a second, eyes dancing around Donghyun’s face with growing confusion.

“Did something happen…?” He asked hesitantly, Donghyun simply shrugged in response before walking past him.

“Just keep your distance if you care about them, I don’t think they’re ready to see you yet.”

So, he did that, hoping that one day you would come back to him, and it would all make sense. While you tried your best to think as little of him as possible. You didn’t know what to think so you chose not to think, at least you would not know if you had been fooled, living in complete ignorance.

That couldn’t last forever, as peaceful as it was to ignore the truth there would always be a point when you would have to face it and it seems like this is exactly that. With him sitting by you on the couch in your living room, a familiar spot for the both of you. All your questions ready to be answered.

“I saw you with her that day. I came back earlier, after my exams, I went to your house, and you were with her… I saw you with a ring.” He looks around the room puzzled, trying to remind himself of the scene you witnessed. Then he realized.

He let his hands push his hair out of his face in complete exasperation, sighing as he turns to you with an apologetic frown. You wonder if it’s confirmation, if his silence meant you were right all along and the harsh pain from a year ago comes back with a sharp cut at your heart.

“This ring?” He pulls out an engagement ring box from his pocket, you frown slightly confused, “I’ve been keeping it on me for a while, hoping that you would come back.”

“You know I asked for your parents’ blessing that same day…”

“But I saw you on your knee…”

“I was nervous,” he lets out a dry laugh, “I asked her for help a lot because I wanted it to be perfect, I didn’t think much of it because I only saw her as a friend.” Your expression fell flat, in some ways you felt reassured, but you realized you wasted a whole year just feeding yourself lies daily.

The fact that he tried to be understanding made you feel worse because he had every right to be mad at you. You had put yourself in this position from the moment you decided to act like you weren’t bothered by their friendship, because of that he never knew your feelings towards her so he never knew when a situation would hurt you.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me?” His brows furrow as he answers.

“I did. I was worried when you stopped answering me, so I drove to your place. Your friend was there, the one you brought, tall guy, he said you needed space… from me.” He never told you about this, a new feeling of betrayal hit you.

“I was still worried, but I didn’t want to worsen anything, so I accepted that…” Your frown deepens, biting down on your bottom lip as you turn away from him trying your best to not let the tears take over. “I do understand why you acted the way you did, but I wish you would have talked to me.”

You nod, you wish you talked to him too, you wish you told him everything from the moment you started to feel worried. There were so many nights you could have avoided crying yourself to sleep, so many times where he could have cleared your mind with reassuring words, but you didn’t say anything.

“I didn’t want you to think I was too demanding. I knew she was your friend but there was always that reminder in my head that she could have been something more and maybe she would have been better than me at it… I don’t know.”

“Nothing more would have ever happened between us because you were the only one on my mind. When I thought of love I thought of you.” He reaches for your face, wiping the tears off your cheeks. You lean into his touch taking a deep breath from the familiar feeling.

“Nothing has changed for me y/n. I loved you then and I love you now.”

“It hasn’t changed for me either.” You look into his eyes the way you always did so many nights before, complete sincerity in your eyes. You notice someone walk out the room and shift your gaze toward them, Donghyun. He looks at both of you on the couch, his gaze slowly drifting away as he notices your proximity.

This could be the last step in order for you to move forward in life without any regrets, you had to confront him. You excuse yourself and walk over to Donghyun in the kitchen, he flashes a smile as you approach him.

“So, you’ve made up I see…” you could hear the disappointment in his voice as held onto the glasses cup staring at the water in it blankly.

“Were you ever going to tell me he came that day?” he looks up at you in shock, surprised that you even knew about the encounter.

“I wanted to, but you were getting better, and I thought you wouldn’t want to be reminded of it, of him. I’m sorry if I overstepped.” Thinking about it, he was right you wouldn’t have wanted to hear about him. You shake your head with a soft smile; he was only ever good to you.

“Are you getting back together?" he asks cautiously, he isn’t sure he wants to hear the answer, but he asks anyway. You shrug with an innocent smile. “Can you not… get back together?"

Your eyes widen in shock at the question. He is serious, you can tell by the way he looks at you, inching closer as you stare at him mouth agape.

“Donghyun—”

“Let it just be a past experience or something. I will be your future; I know you feel the same way y/n.” You can’t find it in you to deny it, but you couldn’t deny your feeling for Sanghyeok either.

Before you’re able to speak up Donghyun steps back, pushed gently by Sanghyeok’s hand on his chest. Donghyun glares at him pushing his hand off making Sanghyeok sigh loudly before turning his attention to you.

“I won’t force you to be with me if you’re in love with someone else. Just be honest with yourself, okay?” Sanghyeok tells you, you run your fingers through your hair, completely thrown off by the whole situation.

“I need some time.” You walk out of the kitchen and out the backyard to the beach. You sit there with your thoughts, trying to organize them, trying to understand how you felt but you loved them both and that wouldn’t work.

The decision seems impossible, being faced with two different options. Choosing between your first love and a new love should be an obvious choice but you didn’t know what it was you wanted. Still, you had to make up your mind. The choice is up to you.

; @serejae @gluion

[hunterevie]

Something non-Destiel related for a bit. But it is related to Supernatural.

I’ve mentioned a couple of times my dad died. It's only been 6 weeks and it doesn't feel any easier. I'm thinking about him a lot at the moment, and how engaged he was when I spoke of the show and my convention experiences.

I started watching Supernatural as soon as it aired in the UK. I’m a horror fan so it was right up my street. I normally watched it on my own late in the evening.

There was a day when my dad watched it with me. His first words were ‘oh that’s why you watch it.’ Literally as Jensen and Jared popped on the screen. Obviously, teenage me denied it profusely. I did genuinely watch for the story, but two cute leads also helped.

It was the only time we watched it together before I fell out of love with it in my 20s around S5.

I started watching again when I was in my 30s after Jensen was announced as being on The Boys (I love The Boys!). During the rewatch, I fell in love with Cas and started to understand Destiel.

I attended my first convention in 2023. I had missed out on Jensen being in my home town, so thought I'd take a holiday to Dusseldorf to attend Purcon 7.

I told my dad I was planning on attending this convention, and he remembered it was a show I enjoyed as a teenager. He seemed shocked it lasted so long, and that I was watching again. But happy that I was doing something I would enjoy.

I attended 4 conventions over the last year, and he’d always be the first to ask how they were. Wanting to know if I had a good time, what it was like. Whether the actors were nice. If they said anything about the pieces I got signed. Stuff like that.

The weekend before Purcon 8, I was with my parents. My dad was still in the recovery stage of his radiotherapy and was ill, but pretty bright otherwise. I remember telling him I'd visit again in a couple of weeks and tell him all about the holiday and convention. Hopefully give him something a bit more positive to think about for a little while.

I didn't know that it would be my last conversation with my dad.

He was put into an induced coma 12 hours before I was due to fly to Germany. That morning I had conversations with my mum, who told me to go. That we didn't know at the time what would happen and I would just be at home worrying about him. So I did.

It was on the morning of Purcon 8 that I found out he had brain damage caused by a mistake in A&E. That he wouldn't come back to us and it wasn't even because of the cancer. I was in pieces. I found a corner of the hotel and just sat there crying because I couldn't get the strength to do anything else. I somehow found it when I needed to get my auto with Misha and photos with Misha and Jensen though.

I managed to ask Jensen for a hug, because I needed one after that news. Not Misha though. I love the guy but he still intimidates the living shit out of me sometimes, and I'm convinced he may not like me.

When I did get home my dad was still in a coma and I did as promised. I told him all about my holiday. About the convention. How I summoned the courage to ask Jensen for a hug, and tell Misha about the promotion I got working on something really important politically.

Afterwards, I cried because I knew it would be the last time I would get to talk to him about one of my favourite shows, and my convention experiences. It broke my heart.

Anyway, I don't really know where my point was with all this. I just was reminiscing. If you have read, thank you for letting me get it all out, and here are some photos of my holiday I could never show my dad. (Which is even more gut wrenching, as we did share a love of photography).

If you've never visited Dusseldorf and the surrounding cities, I recommend it. It's so beautiful around there.

[nrdmssgs]

To my beloved ones who need this

This last 24 hours, I saw a concerning amount of 'if he wins - I'm ending my life' messages. I will understand, if you don't feel like I have a right to talk about this situation, as I am not an American citizen. But if it's cool with you - I have 8 things that helped me personally to stay, when things around went south.

Give yourself time to mourn. You have every right to feel like you feel right now. Even if you couldn't take part in what is happening. This is your life and it matters. Cry openly at home if it's a safe space. You can share your feeling with me, if your home is not safe. Eating your feelings up may sound like a good strategy in a short run, but it will have a backsplash later.

Don't give yourself too much time to doomscroll. I don't mean this like 'don't read the news at all'. I know, It's extremely hard to control this, but this is important. Give yourself time. Like 'ok, I'm doomscrolling from 1 to 2 pm. After that, I'm writing that fanfic, reading that book, shopping for groceries'.

Do mundane household things. Right now, it might feel like you don't have any control over your life. Like tomorrow, angry people come at your door and burn you. I understand, where does this come from, but I also understand that this feeling can grow into an all consuming fear, that might end you. So it is important to fight over this sense of control. 'I am in control of what I'm eating today, I am in control of what bedsheets I'm sleeping on today'. These are very tiny things, but they might help you from sliding down the fear.

Walk. If it's safe for you - please go out. I know, it doesn't cure depression, but I promise you, forcing your brain to analyze new information (new scents, dynamic surroundings) for maybe an hour a day helps in keeping yourself from circling around one damaging idea.

Acknowledge, you are not alone in what you feel right now. One of the scariest things your brain can decide right now is 'I am alone, I'm surrounded by enemies'. The truth is, you are not alone in this. There are millions of people mourning with you right now. Concentrate on them. If it helps - watch streams with their demonstrations, read their articles, do anything to not forget, they are out there.

It may now seem like you lost some of your relatives and friends. Don't forget that you don't have to force yourself to communicate with them right now. But also don't forget that you are not obliged to declare 'from now on I don't have a father/granny/sibling'. Maybe you will burn all the bridges, maybe with time you find some way to talk to each other despite what happened. Don't force yourself to choose right now because it's a very hard thing to do.

Make a small plan for 6 months from today. And I don't mean 'plan every week'. No, do a little thing. Buy a cinema ticket or a train ticket to somewhere not too far from your home, sign up for a 'prettiest origami contest', ANYTHING. But it must be not for tomorrow, it must be a long term plan. This little anchor might give you a little help.

Right now, it might feel like this is the end. But as someone who was there more than once: I promise you, this is not. This is not necessarily the end for you personally when a tyrant comes to rule your country, when he brings to life the most inhuman laws, when he starts a genocide. I don't mean this as 'stop whining, you softie, you are exaggerating this'. You are not exaggerating. As well as many people in Europe weren't exaggerating, when they acknowledged 1. September 1939 as the day, when the Evil took over the world. There are some diaries left from that time, that end abruptly in 1942 or even 1944 with the author taking his life, declaring, that this heel of a war will never end. But we all know that September 1945 and the war was over. Our task right now is to live to that day.

I love you all. I mourn with you.

[starfall-spirit]

My gwynriquin offering is nonexistent in no shape to post yet, but my intended Secrets offering works for today as well.

@polyacotarweek Day 1: Beginnings

I like to pretend something came out of the line, "As High Lady, you are mine." This is part one. Still SFW. Part two will be NSFW. Enjoy!

Read on Ao3

As High Lady, you are mine.

Feyre couldn’t get that damn declaration out of her head. Sure her dear friend and training partner had listed every member of the inner circle as loyal people that would come to her defense, but had the second half of his statement been plaguing her thoughts for the past two weeks? Was the second half of his statement making her fearful to drop her mental shields around her own mate?

No.

Cauldron, what she’d give to forget the words he’d so casually thrown that morning. To go back to seeing him as a big brother figure and not an attractive male fueling�� curiosities.

“He was frustrated with us,” she muttered to herself. “That’s all.”

“Who?”

She jumped from her seat at her desk as Rhys strolled into the office they now shared. “Rhys. I thought you’d still be out training.” The clock behind her chimed noon. Perhaps she’d just lost track of time, as Rhys was clearly bathed and changed out of his training leathers.

“Az and I finished some time ago. And you’re dodging my question.” Gliding over to the desk, he hooked an arm around her waist and pulled her into a tender kiss that only fed her guilt. “If something’s bothering you, I’m always here to lend an ear. Is it something that happened in Spring? A nightmare returning?”

“I’m fine. Nothing like that, I promise.”

He gave a soft hum, sinking into the desk chair and tugging her into his lap. “Alright then. Can I ask one more question?” She nodded, wrapping her arms behind his neck and around his waist. “Cassian says you’ve been a bit distracted lately. Distancing yourself during training. I’ve noticed as much at dinner as well. He fears he’s upset you somehow.” She grimaced, turning her head. “There it is. Care to share your troubles?”

How was she supposed to say this without doing any damage?

“If you’ve had a petty argument, the bonds in our circle run deeper than that.”

Feyre flinched. As careful as she’d been with her shielding, he’d found a crack to snake past. “I don’t want to hurt you,” she whispered. But this secret couldn’t be kept forever. Not without weighing her down. Rhys said nothing, silent and patient, one hand stroking up and down her spine as she carefully structured her confession. “Our bond is mere months old. I want to say up front, I don’t expect anything to change or open.”

He raised a brow. “To open?”

“He said something the other day,” she began again, desperately wishing she could hide her face as she confessed her horrid desire. “It was something in his tone. His phrasing. Gods, you’re really going to make me say it, aren’t you?”

Rhys wasn’t an idiot. She knew she’d given him enough crumbs by now to pick up on what had been bothering her. Humiliated, she buried her face in her hands, trying to find the words that would inflict the least damage.

That is until she felt a silent vibration against her shoulder and all brain function came to a sudden halt. Her mate was laughing at her. Daring to raise her eyes, she found an infuriating smirk on his face. “You aren’t upset with me?”

“For finding Cassian attractive? Hardly.” His smirk shifted to a more thoughtful expression, the hand rubbing her back spider-walking up her spine to summon a soft shutter. “I’ll admit, with the bond being so new I do find myself feeling a bit possessive. Very possessive,” he amended as she gave him the look. “Glare all you like, darling. We both know you don’t mind it as much as you pretend to. As short a time as we’ve been bonded, I know what it does to you when a male calls you his.”

“How did you…”

“You’ve been exceptional, solidifying and holding your shields. But no one’s perfect, my love.” Feyre groaned, the sound soft, but expressing utter mortification. “Not to mention I got a nearly identical lecture the day Cassian was well enough to stand on his own and yell at me for not dragging you home from Spring. When there’s physical attraction and emotional connections mingling, there’s only so long you can pretend it’s something platonic.”

“There’s no way you’re just… accepting this.”

“It doesn’t thrill me, considering the fresh bond, but it doesn’t plant any doubts about the two of us or my relationship with Cassian. The question now is how interested you are in exploring this. Do you want to approach him about it?”

Feyre thought a moment, reading into the tension in the set of his shoulders, the slight change in his breathing, the set of his jaw. He’d put his feelings aside for her, as he always had, but he was not prepared to open their relationship in any way yet, and truly assessing her own feelings, with her confession behind her, neither was she. “No, Rhys. Not yet.” ~~~~~ Several weeks later, Feyre was struggling to stay true to her denial. The problem, Cassian had volunteered to substitute for Azriel in her flight training, as the spymaster was outside of the city for the next two days. To put it simply, while she had improved several required skills in flight maneuvering and wasn’t constantly plummeting into the lake, she still needed correction on multiple points in her form and technique.

While Az had taken a verbal approach to providing pointers, Cassian appeared to be a bit more hands on. He asked for her consent, of course. Illyrians were taught not to touch others’ wings without permission from an early age. But with that permission she became hyper-aware of every little adjustment and guiding touch to her wings, conscious of the heat of his body behind her.

She’d grown used to the close proximity of their daily physical training and fit into it easily enough. Her attraction to him hadn’t changed anything on that front, once her guilt had faded. But this wasn’t the short and sharp impact of a fist or a brief moment being pinned to the mat—though the latter could be hard to brush off at times. This was downright intimate.

His thumb graze the ridge of one of the more delicate bones, prominent from the back of her wings, finally fracturing her resistance. “I think…” She cleared her throat. “I think this should be the last attempt today. Like you said a minute ago, the winds are picking up and I have a lot to catch up on. The official things, I mean.”

He quirked a brow. “Official things?”

“Court things. With Rhys. In our office. You know, official things.”

His eyes narrowed for a moment, but he nodded when she held her position. “Of course. One last try, like you said. And remember what I told you about the updraft coming in.” She nodded, but was still thrown off, wings angled in a way that did the exact opposite of what she was attempting. “It’s a tough one,” Cassian told her, trying to ease her frustration. “And Az was right. He’s probably a better instructor for you with his experience.”

Feyre didn’t bother pointing out this was no longer about mental blocks. “Thanks, Cass. I’ll see you.”

The second she winnowed to the townhouse and found Rhys, she knew she had his full attention. She didn’t care for the clear suspicion on his face either. “Interesting flight lesson, Feyre darling?”

“It was somewhat successful,” she said honestly. “Until the winds picked up.”

He nodded, tugging her flush against his chest. “And was Cassian able to instruct you as well as Az?”

“His methods were different, but worked well enough.”

“Different?”

“Not as verbal,” she gritted out.

“Ah.” He smiled into her neck. “Starting to see how easily you can torture a male, touching his wings?”

She smirked, even as he grazed a nail over the sensitive joint where the membrane met her leathers, summoning a shiver. “You’ve made that no secret,” Feyre murmured, folding one side of his shirt collar down to flick her tongue over the skin she exposed.

Growling softly, Rhys drew back, raising her chin. “It’s going to take more than that if you’re trying to distract me from what I felt through the bond. The tension slipping through.” She winced. “Did he notice it? Return it?”

Feyre blinked. Despite the results of their original conversation, he almost seemed hopeful. “If he did, he hid it well.” They both knew Cassian would never be the type to get between them. Especially considering he was clueless to Rhys' stance in all of this. Hell, Feyre couldn’t quite figure it out yet either. “Rhys—”

“I don’t want to hear an apology regarding any of this, Feyre. And over the past few weeks I’ve been reconsidering the thought of sharing you.” His fingers curled around the back of her neck, his thumb stroking down the side of her throat. “Reminiscing our wild youth.” Her brows shot to her hairline and he chuckled. “In five-hundred years, you try a thing or two.”

She nodded. “So, if I wanted to try a thing or two?”

His lips curled back into that soft smirk, his mental shields parting. “Show me.”

~~~~~

Taglist: @lulling-night-sky // @edgyellie // @stars-and-scripts // @shallyne // @the-lonelybarricade // @darling-archeron // @goddess-aelin // @the-lost-changeling // @faeriequeensuriel // @pandavelaris // @s-uppertime // @elentiya-whitethorn // @acotar-fanns // @jealousveronya // @acourtofwips // @reverie-tales // @gwynkyrie // @corcracrow // @thelovelymadone

[jolyne-best-jojo]

After sleeping on the JJK ending l honestly still can't believe GeGe made a character as good as Gojo and then fucked up the ending that bad.

You create this really fun and interesting character who's goofy but cares a lot about his students like making them play a sport instead of individual battles after an attack on the school. A guy who wants to create a better world but doesn't hesitate to send his students into dangerous shit in hopes of letting them grow and become strong to help create that better world and someone so selfless that he prioritising saving lives over taking out the villains which directly leads to him being captured and when he's freed he actively asks what happened to the people he was protecting.

When Gojo comes back from being trapped and instead of giving him some character development with the entire month there was before the Sukuna fight GeGe basically just skips straight to it. Like wtf? I want to know how Gojo feels about how him holding back his domain led to the death of one of his students, the traumatisation of another, a third getting burned severely, a fourth losing their arm and a fifth losing their body to Sukuna alongside one of his friends dying. How does he feel about Maki reaching her potential and reaching Toji, the man who beat Gojo so bad at 16 that he was forced to learn reverse techniques, level? What about Kashimo? Both he and Gojo are the strongest of their eras yet the pair never talk about how it feels to be the strongest. And then instead of this we just skip to the big fight which ends with Gojo getting killed off-screen and then being insulted by his friends. Like wtf was up with Nanami saying Gojo didn't care about protecting people or continuing sorcery and cared more about fighting? Because that just isn't what you read in the text of the show when he promises Megumi he'll try to save Yuji's life after being asked, monologuing about wanting to train stronger sorcerers to restart the shitty world of Jujutsu society and holding back his domain to 0.2 seconds to save innocents in the subway leading to his trapping.

And that's not mentioning GeGe having Gojo hype up Sukuna as being super strong and how he might have lost even if Sukuna didn't Megumi's technique instead of, idk, caring about the fact his students are now gonna have to face Sukuna? I've seen some people try to claim that him mentioning how he's taken care of Megumi finding out about his dad even if Gojo himself dies but that offhand comment isn't really enough for me, he doesn't give a single thought to Yuta, Yuji or Maki as the three have to face the strongest sorcerer there is when it'd be interesting to see what he thinks of them at the end of everything.

And then there's the bait, holy shit, what was the point of Yujo? You have Yuta defile Gojo's body by putting his own brain into it, have him fight Sukuna, land Gojo's ultimate move, have it do basically no fucking damage because Yuta's inexperienced (just firing a red at a blue to make an impromptu purple was enough to take out Sukuna's arm and that was the first time Gojo ever tried that), then he just falls down because his body control technique is burnt out from using domain expansion and after that they set up Kenjaku having had a way to not have to deal with this problem and never mention Yuta again until the fight's over. What a stellar display of capitalism using characters popularity to make money while giving no respect to the character Yujo is.

And then Gojo isn't mentioned again until two letters given to Megumi and Nobara which gives basically no development to their relationships with Gojo, especially Nobara given her letter is about some new detail we didn't know about her (no relationship with her mum) and then she just rips the letter up. And then at the very last chapter we get a conversation flashback between Gojo and Yuji about how Gojo thinks one day his students will forget him and Yuji tells him he'd never forget Gojo with Gojo replying "Haven't we had enough Gojo Saturo" no GeGe, we haven't, because you haven't given him a proper arc.

Gojo's arc is about the question of "is he the strongest because he's Gojo Saturo or is the Gojo Saturo because he's the strongest" a question some people think is about whether his skill is what made him the strongest or if it was just the powers he got at birth. But what it's really about is is being the strongest just one part of Gojo or is Gojo just the strongest. And this is never really properly addressed, the only way it really is points towards Gojo just being the strongest because that's what is said about him by his students, another school's student and one of his colleagues that he's the strongest, after he dies fighting Sukuna his corpse is used as a means to keep fighting Sukuna and no one ever really honours all Gojo's done for them. Meanwhile Sukuna gets to have this whole conclusion where he decides that him losing means his ideals were wrong and that in the next life he'd follow a different path. Some people have tried to say this is fair as Sukuna's the main villain and Gojo's a side character but Gojo isn't just a side character, he's JJK's most popular character, some of the main JJK memes involve him (Nah, I'd Win, Throughout Heaven and Earth I alone am the honoured one) and he's basically the face of the show given sales dropped after his death and it just sucks so much to see such a good character not get a proper conclusion.

[sandorsubs]

How to "actually" reprogram your mind

INDEX

Introduction

Code System

Master Codes

Replacement Codes

How your brain is gonna use new codes

Coding Style

Notes

Do you have limiting beliefs? You don't think you can have your desire or accomplish things? Even can't manifest stuff how hard you try? Then you might heard about reprogramming your mind. They say change your beliefs, affirm, don't use old story...Yeah but it's not that easy, we all know that.

If you don't know what reprogramming your mind is, it's basically changing your old belief with new one that has more benefits for you. I saw couple exercises for it: making a list for what you believe and adding your desires in it. Robotically affirming everyday. Choose your method. But if you are struggling and searching for more efficient way to reprogram your mind, take a look at my method.

Code System

I take affirmations as codes. Every code has an emotion that will be released before or after your brain runs the code. Some codes have prominent memories attached to them. I know it sounds complicated but let me give you an example of a negative code.

You are going to make a presentation but you had a similar experience before when your classmates made fun of you. Your brain instantly runs the code "i can't speak in public". You feel emotions such as anxiety, fear, worry, shame etc. You keep replaying that experience you had in your mind and feel even worse. This what a code is made of, you can call them affirmations if you want.

(Stop reading now and think for a code you use frequently. It could be simplest thing, look around i promise you'll find one.)

Master Codes

There will be two section in our method: master code and replacement code. Master code is a dominant code on top of code hierarchy. Remember when we feel in danger and make crazy scenarios in our minds but most of the time, they don't happen. Because our brain chooses master code over any other negative assumption. Everyone has master codes, they are just not aware of it.

"I am always protected" is a master code. Even you are in a dangerous situation and feeling extreme fear, your brain is going to choose this master code over a negative code such as "something bad is going to happen". As you can see, master codes are general and strong because you used them a lot in your life. Now write down master codes of your reality. "I have control over my 3d", "i manifest whatever i want", "i am extremely lucky", "everything always works out for me" whatever you want.

Now attach a memory to this code. If you don't have one, first of all think again. Sometimes it can even be a memory you thought it's bad.

For example if you almost had a accident and you feel bad when you remember it. But that's an example for how you were protected. If your master code is "i am protected" when you think about that moment you'll also feel gratitude.

Btw don't force yourself to feel good about a memory, i am just saying change your perception but if you still feel uncomfortable leave it. And take your lessons from a bad experience even if you are still going to revise it, loves

Replacement Codes

So what is replacement code? Brand new code for your brain to use instead of old usuless one. I see a cup of coffee, my brain runs a code "coffee is not healthy". I remember how scientists says coffee damages your brain and ruins your sleep cycles. Then i feel sad because i like coffee and i want to drink more. This is how i unwillingly affirm coffee is unhealthy. Let's replace this code because it doesn't serve me. I want to drink coffee <3

If you have a bad memory attached to it, try to revise or assess a positive memory just like what we did in master codes. I used to drink a lot more coffee back then but i kept saying myself that caffeine doesn't affect me (which was clearly an affirmation lmao). My assumption worked like a charm but i started to read about how coffee is unhealthy then it really became unhealthy. I replaced my assumption with a negative code unconsciously. To replace this negative code everytime i drink coffee i run "i am okay with consuming caffeine as much as i want" code and remember the times i wouldn't get affected even if drank 5-6 cups.

(Btw that's why overconsumption is dangerous because we keep hearing new things, unlock new fears everyday. Be careful about the contents you consume.)

Also I want to remind you don't have to say this code in your mind. Think them like a button that your brain presses. This process will happen in seconds, all you gotta do is realize if you are still using a negative code over master code or replacement. And reverse it.

How your brain is gonna use new codes

Disclaimer: This is my theory, if it doesn't align with your experiences just ignore and jump to next part.

I don't know if you guys realize this but when you affirm something at first you keep seeing the opposite of it in your 3D. If I affirm i am lucky, i find myself in unlucky situations. I used to think i need to persist, i see the opposite because i put my desires on pedestal. Then i realized this is how my brain tests me to see if i really believe i am lucky.

I went to hospital to make an x-ray appointment but system was down, assistant told me to come back a day later. But hospital was a bit far from my house so i decided to wait. I was affirming "i am lucky" in back then so i felt a little bit disappointed things didn't worked out quickly. While i was sitting i realized that's why it's not working, because even if i keep telling myself that i am lucky i didn't have that mindset.

I thought i'll make this appointment today because i really believe i am lucky. System got fixed after almost an hour, i made appointment and went home. But that memory stuck in my mind, i felt like my brain tests me to see if i am really believing it. Like little homeworks. I believe mindset/affirmation is 30% how you think, 70% how you act and perceive the situation in that certain moment. And of course affirming it loud or in your mind keeps you on track.

When you are going to use these new codes, let yourself to become used to it. Did you use the negative code again? Don't worry, at least you are aware of it now.

You started to think you are not enough? Oh i am lazy, i am not good at painting, my friends doesn't like me, my grades suck, i'll never have a good career. Stop. Take a deep breath. Thinking like this doesn't help at all. Use your own code, master or replacement, doesn't matter. Remember that certain memory you assesed the code, feel emotions of the memory and relax.

Using your new code is same as how you normally use negative codes in your life. "My mom said i cook horrible so it must be real. So whenever i try to cook, i ruin it completely and i remember what she said." You can find thousands of examples of codes, you have been using since you were a child. They are keeping you from living this beautiful life and experiencing.

Coding Style

You know what they say about affirmations, use present tense, don't say i want or i need bla bla frickin bla. Have you realized, maybe that person assumes they manifest better with "i want xyz". Maybe they assume they are little brat of this universe and they'll be awarded just by ✨ asking for it ✨

This is not to complain but to realize your coding style. What do you value most? Having it, knowing it, loving it? For me i tried a certain code/affirmation style: bitchy one.

"it's mine" or "this will happen eventually" See? I am not even demanding, i am forcing and 100% sure this will work. If this suits your personality, give it a try. It was 50/50 for me. I liked using it but i also felt uncomfortable for being little aggressive. And "i want xyz" is even harder for me because i still have hard times to demand.

Then i tried present tense style "i am, i have" but it was too bland for me. So i asked myself what do i value? What is highest ranking? Knowing it.

I question a lot, suspect a lot, i don't even trust my own knowledge sometimes. But if i can tell "i know xyz" this is in the highest rank for me. Then i started to use my codes in this style.

For example if you value how you would feel when your desire is accomplished, try using "i love feeling xyz".

I see people using "i decide xyz", use this style if you value control.

Or questions like "why i am xyz" if you always want to know "whys" or "whats".

Try and find out for yourself, even you feel like universe is your sugar mommy/daddy and only thing you need to do is *ask* don't give a f about what community says.

Notes

So that's all for now, i know it's long for a first post. Don't mind my writing style, english is not my mother tongue and only thing that matters for me to describe things in my mind. If you have questions go on and ask. I'll also share a reprogramming mind subliminal if you are coming from my youtube channel. Btw i created a table in notion and divided codes in two sections and three categories. Master and replacement code sections both have three categories. Mind, body/environment, spirit. I added emotion and memory to new codes and ponder about my negative codes.

Hey, also this is fun and actually helps me but plsss don't stress like it's actually coding a program and you have to run it perfectly. Give yourself the ✨damn✨ time. I made an observation about how limiting beliefs affect our life and i think "oh negative thoughts have more power☝️🤓" statement is not true. We wouldn't be alive then because i have crazy scenarios and i do actually believe in them for a moment. I just realized negative assumptions have a pattern and we can use it in our advantage!! Yaay (i like how i started serious like putting index or stuff but why the hell tumblr on browser is so shitty??)