#i promise i am not trying to get into a dysfunctional relationship like that.

[theduchessofnaxos]

Suddenly had the realization that my ideal relationship dynamic is Han Solo running back into the rebel base on Hoth to check on Princess Leia (me) and make her leave because he knows she'll stay and die in the battle unless someone drags her out.

... Does "wanting a handsome rogue to drag me out of a battle" damage my feminist credentials if I identify as a man also?

But the REALLY concerning part is that I've been using *FrUK* as my go-to "project onto them about my ideal relationship" (according to my therapist) and Han and Leia end up breaking up despite still being in love. Which is a super FrUK thing.

Idk what that says about me but I don't like it 😂

[towriteloveontheirarms]

Dark felix Caton who sees beautiful girl (reader)at uni. He became obsessed with her right away. But then he finds out reader already has a bf. Then he plot an evil plan. He befriends readers bf and ask him to join him during summer vacations to saltburn. Felix also says he can bring reader along with him too.

Reader is hesitant but eventually accept the offer. Soo that's where felix would begin to corner reader whenever she's alone. Reader try to tell her bf about it but he turns her down too occupied by the lavish lifestyle. Finally felix get reader alone with him and r4pe her.

I´m sorry you had to wait this long dear anon. I really hope you enjoy this though. Your other requests will still be coming soon as possible though. I promise I have not forgotten and am not ignoring <3

To get you alone (dark!Felix Catton x reader)

synopsis: He always had his eyes on you, however you had thought naively that he wouldn´t go past that.

warnings: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT, non consensual sex, smut, semi public sex, p in v, unwanted attention generally, mentions of reader being in a relationship with Oliver, afab reader

word count: 1.6k

taglist: @hopelesswritergall

(If you want to be tagged for a specific character/fandom or in general let me know in my asks, comments or DMs)

A/N: I tried to not be too graphic with this one, I still advise anyone reading to proceed with causion. SA is a real and serious topic and if you don´t feel in the right spot for reading this that is completely fine. Remember to be kind to yourself and you are loved!

Dividers by @saradika

Felix Catton. If you were to be asked what you thought of Felix your answer would most often look something like “Yes, he's pretty handsome…” but beyond that there was very little you knew of the rich boy and that in and of itself made you wary of him. Especially because he seemed to go wherever you went. Mischievously sparkling eyes trained on your every move from the second you entered the grand hall for the welcome celebrations. Now, normally you probably wouldn't mind it that much, hadn't it been for someone else's sudden infatuation with whom your friends had jokingly begun to call your stalker.

You had met Oliver years prior, when your parents somehow for some reason befriended his parents. Well, not for some reason, they were lovely people, but nonetheless. Soon after that he had asked you out and with how nervous he looked you couldn't help but accept. It was really cute. Oliver was attentive and perfect and even if his friend Michael was a bit weird by most standards, it seemed like he was looking out for your boyfriend as well, as much as he could. But he was the first part of your life that Felix got his fangs into. Until you found yourself at the Catton’s estate over the summer instead of going home for the first time in forever. It was nice of him to extend the invite, his family was mostly nice in that dysfunctional, rich people way. Still, despite everything you felt like an intruder. No matter how often any of them insisted how great it was to have you there. Something felt off. Like a spell had been cast on Oliver so he couldn't see how weird his new so-called friend was. Ignorant to every slip off the hand underneath the table at meals or outside, every lingering glance at the pool, every oh so innocent seeming, hidden unwanted comment.

But especially to the frequency with which you found yourself trapped alone with the brunet rich kid. His hands resting on your hips as he leaned down to you, eyes sparkling with spoken and unspoken comments. Things he had dreamt doing to you, you did to him, things he wanted to try. It all fell upon deaf ears, no matter who you told. Venetia was the only one who even made the impression to believe you, but even her response was kept to a minimum. Keeping silent about it to the world, not doing anything to actively help when you told her how uncomfortable you felt alone with her brother.

No one ever expected the great Felix Catton to do something bad, he was just making jokes, you were told, but you knew better than them.

Walking through Saltburn, you are distracted by mentally chiding yourself for still getting lost after having spent so much time there already. The constant, silent barrage of curses blinds you to the person walking towards you.

“Whoa there.” The voice and steadying hands on your upper arms quickly give away that it isn't Farleigh or your boyfriend you ran into, like you had hoped so dearly. Or even James or Duncan or literally anyone else but the person standing in front of you. In an attempt to bring distance between the two of you as fast as possible, you stumble backwards however and almost fall into the little coffee table behind you, prompting Felix´ hands to go right back to your arms.

“Are you okay?” He asks over a huffed chuckle, eyes glowing lightly with mischief as always.

“Y-yeah, thanks.” You rasp a short answer, dusting yourself off to get away from solitude with him as quickly as possible.

“Not so fast.” He stops you by holding out his arm to block the way to freedom. “Did I do something to offend you?”

The question nearly shocks the air out of your chest, fists balling instinctively as there is only one question that crosses your mind in return. “Are you serious right now?”

“Uh, yes? Why wouldn´t I be?” The baffling response is accompanied by furrowed brows and a still slightly amused quirk of the corner of the lip.

“Felix, it´s nice that you invited us here, but I´m not blind. I see the way you eyed the girls back at uni. I see the way you look at Olli and I see the way you look at me, have been looking at me for months and by God I´ve felt your hands when you thought no one is watching.”

Listening to you intently, Felix’ facial expression shifts to one less light. A knowing smirk replaces the half smirk and his brows relax, the brown of his eyes darkening to almost black.

"Oh, did you now? You notice everything, don't you?" The brunet straightens his back to tower over you. One of his large hands coming up to grab you by the chin. His thumb languidly swipes over your lower lip. “Aren't you just the cleverest girl?”

“Felix…” you whisper hesitatingly, too tightly in his hold to make another attempt at fleeing. All that you can do to keep him at a small distance is to cross your arms over your chest. An obviously futile, but desperate move that, perhaps rightfully so, gets chuckled at, before they get pinned above your head.

"Tell me, do you ever think of me instead of Olli?" Felix huffs above you.

“What?” Outrage burns it´s way through your veins, but as quickly as it ignites it is shut down again.

“Do you ever think of me when you are with Ollie.” Felix repeats slower this time, stepping even closer, even though it had seemed impossible prior.

For a moment you don´t know how, or if, to respond, biting your lip and averting your eyes to put off answering as much as possible. However, failing when his fingers dig deeper into your chin to turn you back to him. You nod, ashamed.

"Say it." He demands. "I want to hear it from your beautiful lips."

"I think about you every time I am with him. I think about you when I touch myself at night, imagining it's your fingers making me come until I can only moan your name." The confession isn't entirely true.

If you were entirely honest, your mind has shifted once, but you knew he wouldn't be happy with that. His breath shudders and you know he bought the lie.

"Fuck you're such a naughty girl. Thinking about me when you have him. And to admit it so freely." He chuckles

"Oliver could never touch me like you do. He could never make me feel as good." You continue lying, hoping to any deity that would listen, it would make this whole torture be over faster.

Far from it was the case obviously. Felix lets out a low growl, swiftly leaning down to capture your lower lip between his teeth. Soothing the bite by pulling them into an unreciprocated kiss immediately after. It´s as if it happened solely to make one thing unmistakeably clear. He wanted you. To be desperate and beg him for more. He wanted you to need him just how much he needed you. And more.

His tongue presses against yours as he roughly moved the two of you away from the table, pinning you against the nearest wall. Even less time is wasted to push aside and open any clothes that potentially could be in the way of the one thing Felix had wanted to do to you ever since he had first laid his eyes on you. Letting go of your chin, his hand hooks underneath your thigh to ease himself into you painfully slow. His presence alone rendering you incapable of any clear thought of fight or flight. A realization at which he lets go of your wrists to grope at your breasts. Felix' own chest heaves with heavy breaths and quiet moans, held back as to not alert any of the staff nearby. Meanwhile you barely feel like you are in your own body anymore. It's like watching him from above as he did whatever he wanted to your limp body. The nausea, the tears pricking in your eyes as his lips latch onto your neck to suck his marks into it, they all feel so distant yet so overwhelming. You can see his lips moving, but the sounds are drowned out by a high-pitched ringing sound. Numb to the way his fingers dig into your skin or how every thrust of his hips pushes you back into the wall, head rolling from side to side as you try to drown all of it out even more. Again, futilely.

Still your inaction brings Felix enough enjoyment to keep on going for what feels like forever. His touch is so meticulous, so blushless, he is so focused on just violating every boundary you had tried to set up with him ever, he doesn't even see you anymore. How much he is hurting you. And if he does, he doesn't show much care for it.

You are lucky in a sense though as well or maybe it's just another cruel joke by the gods. As soon as Felix spills himself inside of you, he pulls out and away. Without so much as another word, but a look that very much promised more of what had just happened, he leaves you in the little corner of the hallway.

However, you don't come back to yourself yet. Taking care in mechanical motions to fix up your clothes and get to a bathroom to clean up and possibly empty your stomach's contents until you felt any better about yourself and the prospect of having to spend the rest of summer in these halls. Any better, no matter how little it would be at all. One thing you were sure of in your dissociated state. There was no escaping Felix Catton.

[evelhak]

Would anyone be interested in beta-/proofreading my KnB fic series?

(Spreading the word helps too. 🙏🏻)

Unfortunately I lost both of my beta-readers due to dramatic life changes a couple of years ago, and I've been doing my best to manage on my own but it's becoming a struggle.

There must be someone out there who craves for the same kind of intense longfic as I do, to get immersed in, and would like to be a part of it.

Plus there are some new/returning KnB people around recently, so who knows? Maybe one of you, who would already be interested in reading an insanely long fic for your own enjoyment, would like to devote, probably a few hours a month or so (I don't have a strict schedule), to relieving the writer's anxiety before they post a new chapter? I'm not looking for anything super in-depth. Basically just another pair of eyes to help me fix:

1. Scenes/sentences/word choices that are too confusing.

2. Factual errors.

3. Typos, grammar mistakes etc.

Low pressure, basically just anything that catches your attention as out of place or needing clarification. Definitely not asking for perfection or anything that you wouldn't catch on the first round of reading. I'm just looking to reduce mistakes I can't catch on my own.

I guess the chances of me finding anyone who is already reading the series (since to my knowledge my long-term readers never came from Tumblr in the first place) are pretty low, so

What will you get if you take a chance on me/The Other Things series?

Aside from a devoted friend (who will also always be ready for in-depth KnB talk)...

🏀 basically a lifetime supply of KagaKuro, seasoned with AoMomo, MidoTaka and other less prominent and at times rare ships (Stay tuned for Yagi Yuuta/Male OC) and also a lot of supporting OCs who exist for reasons other than shipping, including several characters' family members

🏀 one detailed and elaborate version of the main KnB characters' life journeys/basically an enormous character study

🏀 a very psychologically explicit story <- a pair of words (reader approved xD) I recently came up with to describe the emotional intensity that sometimes takes people by surprise

🏀 so much slice of life, so much dialogue, so much angst and fluff, so, so much character development that is definitely earned the hard way

🏀 snail speed slow-burn, I am not kidding, but intense love scenes and also no smut for over a million words but once we get there I promise it's worth it

🏀 so much intertextuality, myths, fairytales, analogies, symbolism that you can reread and reread if you want and I'm sure you'll keep finding new connections

🏀 a lot of fun stuff like our dorks in a group chat, disaster house parties and basketball idiots playing quadball, tons of everyday silliness

🏀 heart wrenching stuff and psychological depiction of hardship, personal growth as well as different kinds of relationships

🏀 deep-dives into topics including mental and physical health, dysfunctional family dynamics, a variety of queer experiences, neurodiversity and more, and particularly characters struggling with how complex things are

🏀 at times counterintuitive interpretations of canon but everything is in one way or another, canon-based or canon-inspired

🏀 to read seven fics before you actually get to beta-read the new stuff😇

Send me a DM if you're interested! ���

You can also try and decide it wasn't your thing. The series can be found here on AO3.

[softpascalito]

javier peña x f!dea!reader - we got your back - chapter 2

Summary: You work as a new DEA agent alongside Peña and Murphy. A not-so-kind colleague reveals more about you than you would like. Also, who the hell is still in the office in the middle of the night?

Relationships: Javier Peña x FemReader

WC: ~2800

Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Slow burn, mention of canon-typical violence, no beta we die like Colonel Carrillo, family Issues, they arent specified but reader is implied to be from a dysfunctional family, Steve is here too, literal sleeping together, one bed trope if you squint, tac vest javi

AO3 LINK // PART 1 // PART 3 (on tumblr)

Notes:

helllooo! i am really proud of this chapter and ofc i had to put tac vest javi in because i am a slut <3 comments are very welcome, have a great day!

spanish translations can be found at the end :)

_______________________________

Chapter 2

The rest of the day passes without any hiccups. You can only assume that either Javi or Steve have made good of their promise to make sure that Raquel doesn't bother you again. You can't say you regret it.

Throughout the afternoon, you find both men glancing over at you more frequently, evidently making sure you're okay. Noone mentions the events that took place in the same room mere hours before. Not that anyone other than Steve and Javi really cared. Office gossip existed just as it did anywhere else but so far, you had steered clear from it. The DEA section had more important things to do either way.

You watch the clock go by. You can't really see the sunset from the office. The windows aren't very large to begin with and the curtains are always required to be closed. Safety and all that. As a few wayward rays of the sunshine steal their way into the office, most of your coworkers start packing up. You don't.

When you had arrived in Bogotá after a long flight and a daunting drive to your apartment, you had stood in your new home in shock. The embassy had apartments of all sorts all over the city. It was helpful to use different comunas for safehouses. Most agents lived in the northern part of the city in fancy highrise buildings guarded by fences and security. Some, especially the ones that were doing a lot of undercover work, had apartments in slightly more dangerous places. As did you. It was a tiny bit closer to the embassy than the northern city apartments. The first few nights you had barely slept, scared that someone would break down your door. Judging by the way it hung off the hinges slightly, it wouldn't take a lot of effort. Then there were the gunshots. They weren't uncommon, really, but they still scared the shit out of you. You knew how to handle yourself in combat, you'd successfully completed the grueling weeks of DEA training after all, but gunshots during a raid with a bulletproof vest strapped to your chest were something different from gunshots during your dinner time at the small, wooden table with nothing but your pajamas on. Or worse, when you were sleeping. Or at least trying to. You don't even notice that Steve is leaving until you hear Javier call after him:” Give Connie my best.” He looks after his partner for a moment before his gaze wanders over to you. When your eyes meet, you quickly force yourself to look away. The files in front of you. You're not sure how long this one has been on your desk but you don't seem to be making any progress. Whenever the search bloc finds something that could be of importance, you are given 24 hours to look through it, make copies and find any potential clues. So that is what you're doing. The murky paper in your hands feels like it's going to suffocate you. But between this and another sleepless night at your apartment, you feel like the choice is an obvious one. Javier is still looking at you. You can feel his gaze on you as you try and continue reading the file. Has he noticed you've read the same page about four times? “You should go home too. Get some rest.” His voice rips you out of your thoughts and back into the present. You simply shake your head, muttering something about the time limit and not wanting to piss Carrillo off and to your surprise, Javi actually lets it go.

Or, you think he does. That is until half an hour later when he leans against your desk again. “Hermosa, I appreciate you doing this but you look like you're about to fall off that chair.” He raises his hand and when you follow his movement you can see his car keys dangling from it:” I'll drive you?” He offers and if you weren't so irritated by your lack of sleep and, well, everything else, you would almost think it's cute how much he cares.

You don't feel like arguing so you just stay quiet and focus your attention back onto your paperwork. He groans a little in annoyance but the two of you know each other well enough to know that neither wants to give in. You're just as stubborn as he is. “Look, how about I-”

You never actually learn what he thinks will get you to change your mind because he is cut off by his walkie springing into action. It's the second raid being conducted tonight and someone is asking if the DEA wants to send an agent. You're not sure why they even bother to ask. Javier will happily jump into action at a moment's notice, no matter the time. You watch him as he shoves his cigarette between his lips to unlock his desk drawer with two hands, pulling out his gun and a tac vest. “Be careful,” you say, too late. He is already hurrying down the hall. You're not sure how long he is gone when your head begins to droop, sleep slowly but surely taking over. With a frustrated huff, you get up from your chair, ignoring the creak it gives as you push it aside.

The jacket will do fine, you think, as you sit down against the nearest wall, wrapping it around yourself to give your body some sort of signal that it can relax. In the back of your mind, you remember that someone kept a blanket and pillow around, just in case, but you're not sure where it is and even if you did, you feel like your body might not want to get up again just now.

Sleeping in the office isn't allowed, technically, but you know that Javier and Steve have done it before. Likely, more than once. You set an alarm on your watch to make sure you'll be up before anyone starts to arrive in the morning. You hadn't expected him to come back. You should have known, really. ___________________________________________

Something had been off. None of them got nearly enough sleep as was, but today you had seemed like you were barely there. Javier wasn't sure if it had anything to do with what had happened earlier with Vázquez but either way, he didn't like the way you had looked. So, when he finally left the lab they had raided, he decided to drive back to the embassy instead of going home. Surely enough, there you are. Huddled into a corner in the dimly lit room, breathing steady with your eyes closed. He sighs as he takes in your form for a moment, already knowing you'll wake up to back pain from the way your body is twisted up against the concrete wall. Javier crouches down in front of you and for a moment, he considers not waking you at all, simply lifting you up and carrying your form into his car to get you home. He isn't sure if it's the concern of startling you or the anger he'd inevitably have to face if he did, but he lets it go, settling on giving you a gentle nudge instead. “Wake up, dormilona ,” He hums softly, his brown eyes focused on you as he gives you a moment to regain consciousness. You wake up the way you always do, slowly at first and then with a start. Your eyes fly open to stare at his form, taking in his gaze on you and the tac vest he's still wearing, and you blink a few times in confusion. When you don't say anything, Javi gives a small chuckle and gently grabs your jacket before standing and picking up his car keys once more. He rummages through his drawer for a moment before finding another cigarette and lighting it. When he turns back to you and sees you still slouched against the wall, his eyebrows involuntarily go up a bit.

He ponders for a moment before he opens his mouth:” Vamos, get up.Te llevo a casa.” It comes out as a mumble but in the empty office, it's still loud enough for you to hear. It's not as much of a question this time, more of a gentle command. You sigh, your shoulders dropping involuntary. You don't want to explain, don't want him to know, but you're too tired to put up a fight. His gaze is still lingering on you and you distantly wonder if this is the longest he has ever looked at you. “No quieres ir a casa.” He says gently, and again, it's more of a statement than a question. God, he sees through you so easily. “No.” You admit silently, finally averting your own gaze. Both of you stay quiet for a moment. Him waiting for an explanation and you trying to think of one. Again, you feel the need to close your eyes but you know better. Just get it over with. “It freaks me out a little bit. The empty apartment. And it's so far from the embassy, from everyone.” From you, you add in your mind. Not that you'd ever admit it out loud. Javi slowly crosses the space between you in a few long strides and crouches down next to you again. He takes a drag of his cigarette as he looks at you, waiting for you to go on. “The gunshots creep me out. And I-” You shake your head ever so slightly:” This is stupid,” you mutter under your breath:” I never really unpacked. I didn't want everything- the pictures of-” You can feel yourself getting choked up at the thought of your family pictures and simply bow your head a little. If Javier thinks your explanation is stupid, he doesn't say so. To your surprise, he doesn't say anything for a while. You're the one to break the silence:” Look, you can leave. I'll be fine.” He looks at you, cocking his head a little as he seems to consider something.

“No.” No? At that, your head whips around to find him standing up and pressing his cigarette into a nearby ashtray. His face doesnt convey any emotion, and you silently curse him for his poker face. “No?” You repeat, still a little dumbfounded. That gets a small chuckle out of him. “Me quedaré,” He says, as if that explains anything. When he looks down at you and sees the confusion evident in your features, his gaze softens a bit:” Vamos. Come on.” He stretches out a hand to pull you up, gives a quick glance towards the clock on the wall and then leads the way into a small office room that you know Murphy and him use for file storage. Indeed, there are several old file cabinets placed on both sides of the cramped room. The blinds are shut and when you follow his gaze, you notice a small couch that looks like it's been here since the Embassy was built. Maybe even before.

“I crash here sometimes. It's a hell lot more comfortable than a concrete wall, don't you think?” He teases softly but his tone immediately lets on that he isn't serious. At an inviting gesture from him, you sit down and immediately sink into the cushions a little, involuntarily giving a small sigh. It is a hell lot more comfortable. “Here,” he pulls a worn-down blanket from one of the drawers and along with your jacket, throws it over at you. To your surprise, you catch both before looking back at him as he starts to undo his tac vest. You want to say something. Something smart or at least funny. But your mind is still so tired so you just keep looking at him.

That is until he catches your gaze, his small signature grin creeping back onto his face:” Like what you see?” He asks as he throws the vest into the corner, left in one of his white short-sleeved shirts:” Or are you sleeping with your eyes open?” You roll your eyes ever so slightly and give a small huff:” Both .” You shoot back, trying to ignore the underlying message in both your words. When you glance over at him and see him sit down on the floor, you give him a look:” What are you doing?” “It's called being a gentleman, querida,” He replies, that small grin on his face again. Even if this wasn't Javi, or if he wasn't as attractive as he is with his stupid faithful eyes and small brown curls, you weren't going to let him kill his back by sleeping on the office floor.

“It's your couch.” You try gently, hoping he'll take you up on the offer. He glances up at you from where he is sitting, cocking an eyebrow:” Technically, it's George Bush's couch.” You can't help the small chuckle that escapes your lips as you shift a little to make room for him:” Get your ass over here, Javier.” The use of his full name seems to make him understand that you won't back down on this one and with a small sigh, he gets up again and crosses the space between you before sitting down next to you. “You okay with turning the light off?” He asks, his consideration taking you by surprise once more. You murmur a small agreement and feel him shift as he reaches over to turn off the small lamp placed on one of the file cabinets. A few orange rays from the streetlight are falling in through the blinds, just enough to make out his form beside you. You're not sure if you've ever seen him up this close and you allow yourself to study his features for a moment, the way his nose perfectly aligns with the small crease in his forehead, his breaths escaping through his slightly parted lips.

The couch is too small for you two to not touch but to your surprise, the warmth beside you is somewhat comforting. You're squished between the backrest and him and if you weren't so tired, maybe your brain would think further, more. But it doesn't. Nor do you. He has his arms crossed, no doubt thanks to a lack of other comfortable and, well, unassuming positions. You watch his form through the corner of your eye. You break the silence.

“How did she know?” You ask silently and you feel him tense ever so slightly beside you. Of course he instantly knows what you're talking about. “They have files on all of us. What we do here, what we did before DEA.” He gives a small shrug:” I'm assuming she saw yours in passing.” At that, a new fear creeps into your chest, one that seems a lot worse and scary than Vázquez could ever be. “Have you seen them?”

Even in the dark, you can see him turn his head slightly to look at you. He studies your face for a moment. You're not sure if he finds what he is looking for but after a moment of silence, he hums.

“No, I haven't.” “Okay.”

Your answer makes it clear you trust him. Javier wouldn't lie to you. Not on this, at least. He seems to follow your train of thought, his eyes never leaving yours. “Are you okay, cariño?” He asks silently. You instantly know he isn't talking about Vázquez or the files or even Colombia. He is talking about something without knowing what it actually is. It makes your heart ache a little. “Yeah.” You mumble back and you think you mean it. Right now? It doesn't seem so bad.

“You know you can always talk to me, right? I won't judge.” He isn't sure if you're ashamed of anything in your past, if that is the reason why you're so hesitant to talk about it. He just knows that something is there that gives your features a look he doesnt like on you. He wishes he could take it away.

“I know.” You simply say, again meaning your words. Before the silence between you can get too overwhelming, you add:” Lets get some sleep, yeah? Estoy cansada.”

“Yeah, me too.” He mumbles and he seems to hesitate for just a moment before he reaches out and wraps an arm around you, pulling you into him ever so gently. His movements are slow enough that you could stop him if you wanted to. You don't. If anything, you cuddle a bit closer to him, taking in the way his shirt feels on your skin, the way his arm seems to fit so perfectly around you. In return, you move the blanket a bit, readjusting it until it covers him and you. Again, both of you still.

He is the one to break the silence this time.

“ Vázquez can suck my dick.”

He thinks he can still hear you giggling as you're drifting off to sleep.

____________________________________________

hermosa - beautiful

dormilona - sleepyhead

vamos - let's go

te llevo a casa - i am taking you home

no quieres ir a casa - you don't want to go home

me quedaré - i'm staying

querida - dear

cariño - honey (romantic nickname)

estoy cansada - i am tired

_________________________________

thank you for reading, subscribe on ao3 if you like and maybe leave a comment? <3

[bluebeebalmwrites]

About that Vampire Ascendant Tag on Houses...

Hello! My series Houses is getting some attention, and as the series keeps going and going [insert self-deprecating fic writer jokes], I’ve had a few conversations crop up about the Vampire Ascendant Astarion tag that have been similar. I thought it might be a good idea to address that tag and this version of Astarion in one place. I consider the tag to apply, but Housestarion is… complicated.

What I am not interested in writing:

Some folks have worried that, because of the Vampire Ascendant tag, Housestarion might eventually abuse Gale or the series might have an Abuser/sub dynamic. I promise that if I ever write a fic like that, I would put content warnings all over it /gen. I take that very seriously. Regardless, writing a two-dimensional abuser is not a headspace I want to go into for Houses. I wrote some rough abuse from Mystra in my other series (GCA), but I'm not interested in making Houses into some sort of in-depth character study about abusive relationships or even a moralizing tale. I think that would be the antithesis of the fun I’ve been trying to have with it while writing a salacious porn-with-plot series (it's intentionally trashy - like vintage pulp magazine content in my mind). I'm walking a fine line with them, for sure, but Gale and Astarion in Houses are dysfunctional, have obsessive/possessive toxic impulses, with some complex underlying abandonment issues. But ultimately, Houses is about guilty pleasures, not horror.

When thinking about the Ascendant character:

The in-game Ascendant is written to be very objectifying and dominant, but I also appreciate how he’s also comical and pitiful. He’s an almost cartoonish version of a vampire villain, complete with cheesy bat references. The complexity in his character, though, is how Ascendant is still scared, horribly codependent (and I don’t use that word lightly), and views the world as a terrifying place that is only worth either controlling, running away from (if you take him to Avernus, etc.), or destroying out of revenge. He’s composed of the worst parts of Astarion's character wrapped up under an outwardly confident façade. He’s the new Cazador, but he’s also an Astarion flavoured Vampire Lord and his outlook is filtered through that traumatized lens. Instead of healing from what happened to him, he’s weaponizing his trauma and looking to punish the world for it on top of controlling others around him to keep himself safe. He’s stuck and can’t move on, and he likes it that way because anything else would require work and vulnerability that he can’t let himself afford. That complexity is so juicy for a writing brain, because Ascendant Astarion can be simultaneously repulsive, tempting, tragic, and pitiable. Like, whoa. What game writing, right?

I seriously have to credit some other Bloodweave writers in this space for pointing a lot of this out to make Ascendant far more interesting to me (patheticfangirl is in the middle of writing a really in-depth, twisted longfic that involves a deep character study on him. It's better than what I'm doing. She takes the concept of how Cazador is tormented/regretful/grieving if you detect his thoughts in-game, and applies that to Ascendant who is psychologically tortured by what he’s done. It’s very good - though please mind the tags).

When looking at the vast majority of fics under the Ascendant tag, most of them are dark power fantasies with a Dom/Sado/Top Astarion with a self-insert Tav. If you're not personally into that or triggered by Ascendant characterization (due to PTSD from an abusive relationship with that dynamic), I absolutely understand avoiding the tag. That’s part of curating your content. It’s just the nature of the beast that sometimes it's tricky to decide how to tag a fic when the fanon has taken a character in a different direction than what you're going for.

Ascendant in Houses:

With Houses, I do my best to not have Housestarion be the strictly Sado/Dom/Top version of Ascendant. He has needs that crave to be filled by other dynamics. I want the complex and ridiculous parts of Ascendant. Housestarion starts off as a fuckboy (in Penthouse) and is revealed to be more of a messy, shattered guy. As an AU, he’s basically the idea of an Astarion that had to take Cazador out by himself – translated into a modern “real life” setting with no vampirism or magic. So some parts have been whittled out, some of the softer traumatized parts brought forward, but (hopefully) much of the edge and brattiness kept in. He’s more of his own character, rather than a straight translation.

However, I am keeping the series under the tag because while Housestarion is in many ways his Own Thing, he is still very much an interpretation of Ascendant Astarion and Ascendant inspired (complete with dialogue references) and I do not want anyone to be surprised by that. I hope that clears some things up!

[finalsentence]

hi everyone!! this is going to be a very simple introduction; depending on how this goes i might get fancy and do something nicer in the future!

this is my second or third time trying to create a space for myself in the writeblr community. both times i failed because consistency is hard. but i’d like to put myself out there and make friends with other writers, so i’m giving it another shot!

about me.

i’m nineteen years old and pursuing a ba degree in english literature! i have absolutely no idea what i want to do after that… if i had it my way i would simply spin my favorite characters around in my head for a living but i’ve been told that’s not how it works. :(

i enjoy reading a variety of genres, including literary fiction, horror, and post-apocalypse!

my top favorite books are: the stand by stephen king, frankenstein by mary shelley, and the kite runner by khaled hosseini. (yes, they are wildly different stories, but they all hold a very special place in my heart. <3)

my writing.

so. confession time. i am a fanfiction writer. i know how that sounds, but don’t scroll away just yet! i put a lot of care and effort into my work to make it accessible and enjoyable for everyone; so even if you aren’t in any of the fandoms i write about, you will still be able to follow my work the way you would follow someone’s original novel. all of my work is a study of canon storylines, settings and characters, but i try to present it in a way that does not assume the reader has any prior knowledge of the source. (and if you do, you get to enjoy the little easter eggs hehe.) there’s something for everyone, i promise! <3

generally speaking, i enjoy writing in the same genres that i read! i write a lot of horror and post-apocalypse, but overall i am trying to develop a more literary style. my work tends to focus on anti-heroes and their super dysfunctional relationships. and lots of my favorite characters are queer-coded!

i want to venture into writing original fiction one day, so you can look forward to that!

my wips.

i only have one active wip at the moment, so that’s what i’m going to talk about here. i might introduce some of my future projects later if i’m able to get this blog off the ground!

the book i’m currently working on is a five nights at freddy’s fanfiction suburban horror novel. it doesn’t have a title yet, because i am notoriously indecisive and i haven’t found one that fits, so until i figure that out, i’ll be using temporary tags and referring to it vaguely as ‘my michael novel.’

the story features an unreliable narrator, sketchy family entertainment restaurants, and lots of paranormal activity!

summary:

michael afton is miserable. living alone in a crappy apartment, unable to hold down a steady job, and haunted by nightmares of a tragic event in his past, he starts to suspect that things will never get better. but then, his estranged father reaches out to him with an unexpected and cryptic offer, asking him to return to his hometown and take a job as a maintenance technician at an animatronic rental facility. though he is unhappy about returning to the town where he grew up, michael dutifully follows these instructions, convinced that rekindling a relationship with his father is the key to turning his life around. however, he quickly realizes things in the facility aren’t what they seem. something sinister is hidden inside those walls, and it’s putting michael’s life on the line. in order to discover the truth about his father—and, eventually, to make things right—michael has to come to terms with his own past mistakes.

it’s not a fantastic summary; i’ll probably rework it soon, and hopefully i will have an entire wip intro to share at some point!

aaand that’s pretty much it! if you’re interested in interacting with me at all, please don’t be afraid to reach out! i am always open to chat, especially about your wips—and feel free to include me in dash games, too! i want to interact with people as much as possible, to build a little space for myself on here with some new friends, and have fun. <3

i hope you enjoy my little corner of writeblr!

[blackhakumen]

Mini Fanfic #1171: The Diary of Beartrap (Epithet Erased)

Dear Diary,

It's been a while, hasn't it?~ I'm sorry it took too long for me to write to you. Quite a lot has happened to me as of late: Some hectic, some exciting, a few rough patches and there, but I promise you there's a lot good after that. In fact, my life has gotten a lot better since it ever been, but I'm getting way ahead of myself already, so let's get started , shall we?

To get the bad and obvious out of the way, my relationship with my family hasn't improved at all unfortunately. Lorelai's still as lazy and self-centered ever while always constantly butting heads with me every chabce she gets, dad-no, Martin, is too investing in his own little world to even care about anything anymore, and I always had to spend the last few years of my life, watching over the toy store and keep it up float while cleaning up THEIR messes on a daily basis! And yeah, I HATE every second of it and EVERYDAY!!

.....But it couldn't be helped. The day mother left has been really rough for all of us since then, so it's not too hard to understand why our relationship became so....distant, hollow, dysfunctional and so.....messy. I should've realized sooner that things would turn out the way it did and be more prepared, but even then, I doubt it would've been any less stressful and draining than it was now and after everything Lorei put me and my friends through in her fantasy world of hers that night, I decided enough was enough and leave everything behind me: the toy store, the people I used to call my family, and.....my previous life up to this point..........

And I'm happy I made that choice, because like I said, my life really turned around for a whole lot better since then. I'm doing a lot better in school, I get to spend more time with my friends stressed-free, I even did a few other things I've never thought i would ever get to do in whole life: like being a part of school plays, attend football amd basketball games, and making these suuuuuper yummy cinnamon apple raisins waffle in cute cub head shapes~

To tell you truth, I don't think any of this would be even remotely be possible if it weren't for the two people who are working their butts off into looking after me as of late: Crusher, the biggest teddy bear of a sweetheart I have ever met (Which is pretty ironic considering he actually went as a teddy bear for Halloween last year. So freaking adorable!~ i should really remember to him again when he and the others come back), and my one and only boss: Giovanni Potage.

I honestly don't think I have the proper words to express how much he means to me or even how thankful I truly am for everything heaven done for me so far. He taught me how to be more confident in myself and become more assertive, he goes out of his way and beyond to try to help me with stuff in general, and he even went out of his way to take me our of my miserable home life and does his very best to look after me to this very. He sees a lot more value and importance in me than I even realized I have any myself. He did all of this is.....because he cares about me. Because he loves me. And......I love him too. So much that.....I wanna do whatever I can to help him out: with our new villain group, any of his newer evil schemes, and everything else in general. It's the least I can do for everything he have done for me thus far.

To this day, I still don't think I have a clue as to what the future will have in store for me or what to expect going forward, but I won't let it scare me off that easily. I won't let my past life take a hold of me any longer. I am going to live rest of my life to the fullest by my own accord and with the people I truly love and cherish. And if anyone has a problem with that, they can go screw themselves right off to the blazing sun, cause I'm not stopping one bit!

Giovanni: (In the Other Room) Ohh Beeartraaaaap!~ Dinner's finally ready!~

Crusher: And we finally return with SNACKS!

Spike: Annnnd a good amount of decent quality movies we can all watch!~ None of which were chosen by Ben thank God!

Ben: Dude, seriously!?

Car Crash: Hey, we're not the ones who brought tickets to that knock off Ice Age movie that one time, didn't we?

Ben: ('Let's Out a Frustrated Scream')

Molly: (Giggles Softly) Coming! (Finishes Up Writing on her Diary)

Okay, as much as I would love to stay and wrote, I gotta go now. We're having lasagna and a whole movie night tonight. They said they'll be a lot a movie to watch through this time around, so fingers crossed for at least a few of them to be decent. But until then, I'll try and write to you more often. It is one of my many New Years Resolutions after all, might as well make the most out of them.

Love,

Molly Blyndeff A.K.A. Beartrap

@aprilbrowines

[mommypieck]

Hello! I've been here for a while and seeing how much you've been through so far makes me sad that you've experienced so much sad shit. I recently came back to your blog since I wasn't on Tumblr for a while(I've been following you for sometime now) and decided to snoop around for a bit to see what I missed, congratulations on 10k followers btw🥺. Also I'm sorry in advance this will probably be long knowing how I can go on for a while.

Some things you've been through I can relate to, my family isn't a step family but it's definitely incredibly dysfunctional and can be shitty. It's almost 4am here so excuse any mistakes I make in writing this, I literally told myself if I didn't send this to you now I'm not gonna be able to later so I'm fighting sleep. Also your friendships I'm sorry you're stuck with people who don't deserve you in just about every aspect ☹️.

You seem like such a genuine sweetheart. I had an experience with a friendship I wanted to end before and I remember being the same as you were, wanting to stay in that friendship but couldn't leave because I was so attached to that person. I thought the end of the world was gonna happen when I left because I was so codependent on them. But I realized that the feelings I had when it came to them shouldn't be taken lightly, the bad feelings, every single one should never be taken lightly. I'm not gonna sit here and make any promises towards you that certain things are gonna be perfect but I can at least say that it's gonna be okay. Not just when but comes to friendships but living apart from your family. I know you've probably heard this shit a million times but you're not gonna be stuck in the same situation forever. If you have decided to leave that friendship I hope you felt the relief I did when I left mine, if you haven't decided to yet, you most likely will feel relieved even if there's always gonna be a longing for the good moments you might have had before, don't let the good distract you from all the bad.

When we all are teenagers or were teenagers, we are constantly told how grown up we have to act that we forget how young we really are. You are 19, you are so incredibly young and you have so much time to become whoever or whatever you want to become. I remember Jane Fonda saying that if you can't do something in your 20s,30s,40s or even 50s, you can still do it in your 60s. I DON'T mean that you won't accomplish all you desire now, because I'm sure you'll definitely get there, but you have a lot of time to get there, to think, to breathe, to exist, to have fun, to have new experiences.

Please remember that you haven't even met all the people who are gonna love you yet. You have so many people who will enter your life later on, as long as you allow them to enter and stay, that can and will love you so much.

If your family is shitty or weird, then you can have your own family, family is not defined to me by blood but by love. So I'm not telling you become pregnant or anything, but your friends can be your family, people you meet along the way can always become family, maybe even family members you'll eventually meet again will rekindle your family relationship.

I'm a bit forgetful (ADHD and trauma not a good combo)so I'm trying to remember what else I was gonna add omg.

You're a sweet girl, you're incredibly talented, if your desire is to become a writer then you're perfect for it already. Honestly I live by, "if Colleen Hoover and Anna Todd can write and publish those damn books, you damn well can too." And I know your books won't suck like theirs do. Full offense to Colleen Hoover fans btw🙃 I expect if you're reading stuff by mommypieck then your taste isn't bad.

Anyway this has been so long and I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'll end it for now, stay safe, and I hope you have a beautiful forever because just wishing you one day isn't enough💖🥺💖.

i am at loss of words.i seriously don't know what to say. thanku so much for this message. it means a world to me really. i am so happy that i have people here who stick with me and actually care what i have to say.i kinda feel bad that you spend so much time, typing all of this. but you seriously gave me hope for better life. thanku so so so so so much. i love u and i appreciate you. thank you again.

[salstini]

so i told le bf about feeling a lack of reciprocity in our relationship (thanks Liz for the expression heheh), I really tried to be as kind and neutral in my message despite my anger at the time, just stating what I feel and what i would like without criticizing him and like giving him options and stuff.

he hasn’t responded yet and i kinda feel like he’ll still take it the wrong way, get defensive and not listen to what i said at all, but we’ll wait and see… part of me wants to resort to the quickest resolution method aka “saying i’m the one who was wrong for everything, letting my guilt overwhelm me, cry from the pain and promise i’ll learn to control my emotions”

but this time I’m just gonna try sitting with the discomfort and not tell myself I’m wrong for asking for reciprocity. i’m not guilty of anything, I didn’t do anything bad, maybe I’m not perfect and maybe i am a needy and selfish and dysfunctional but it doesn’t make me a bad person. at least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself as i resist the urge to send him sthg like “im sorry… sorry that i’m the way i am” which is how most of our conflicts have been resolved i feel LMAO

maybe if this doesn’t go well then we’ll have to break up because i can’t continue processing his emotions for him … like every time i bring sthg up and feel genuinely sad or sthg, he’s often defensive and expresses anger instead of comforting me or trying to understand me… i dont necessarily want to depend solely on him for emotional support but being met with anger everytime i express dissatisfaction (even in the nicest way) is just not it for me

Who knows maybe I am the irrational one and he’s right and i’m asking for too much, but still there must be some ways we can discuss it and find solutions together right? if he can’t give me what i need, which i get is not sthg i should expect of anyone (as in like, can’t expect ppl to cover my needs at all times), at least can he give me some patience, forgiveness, understanding? i know it’s hard being with me but still 😭

[radioactive-earthshine]

I like to think that Brainiac 2 comforts himself by thinking after himself things will be better, maybe even normal for his blood line. Surely in at a minimum 1-2 generations everything will work out. And then he meets the ball of messy coping mechanisms that is Querl and just thinks "ah sprock it all"

(I have only read a tiny bit of brainiac 2 stuff, planning on starting L.E.G.I.O.N. soon though to learn more. So these headcannons are currently mostly guesswork sorry) -Brainiacs anon

These are just my own thoughts so you can ignore them however you wish because these are headcanons and interaction with content will always be transformative and diverse.

CW: rape mention

Spoilers for L.E.G.I.O.N. below. I sort of ramble here but I promise it's relevant to what you're saying.

Considering the conditions of Vril having his own son was the result of him being raped I am not sure if he initially thought too much about his bloodline improving much personally. It's not like he is completely detached from Lyrl (his son) as he did step up as a parent at the end of R.E.B.E.L.S. where his mother recoiled from being a parent (there's a lot of reasons why which if you read you will understand).

However, Vril did make a deal with Neron the demon where a soul from his own bloodline would be the payment, this is something Vril agreed to do. The soul was, most likely, Querl's mother Brainiac 4.

Vril does show curiosity about the result of that deal when he meets up with Querl and saves his life from his father.

DC Showcase '96 #12

Because he even bothered to mention it does show he does at least think about it. In fact, he interrupted to ask. So if he did not think too much about his deal, he definitely started thinking about it more after meeting Querl.

We don't get to see this topic come up from Vril again (his series ended) and you don't see him much until 2009.

When he does show up later he meets an AI version of Querl who gives him advice on how to build his own new Legion, then he ironically saves another version of Querl from his father again.

So Vril got to meet THREE versions of Querl, all unique from each other and none mention anything about the demon Neron. I feel like to Vril this would be either a comfort, or would cause him some anxiety.

One of the great things about L.E.G.I.O.N. and R.E.B.E.L.S. other than it being the anti-superhero superhero comic is that all throughout you do get to see Vril and grow. He still always remains a healthy shade of dark grey but he is unshakable when it comes to wanting to correct injustice, for a price.

I like to think that his first interaction with Querl led him to seriously consider the results of his actions with the demon Neron. I mentioned before that Vril is the type of person to make these outrageous deals but then finds a way to get out of them or 'win' and I think he might try that because the harm was directly a result of his own actions and he has been shown to WANT to be better than his own father.

He is a very complex, flawed and fascinating character that cannot be easily explained so briefly so I hope this makes sense so...

YES I do think he would like to think that eventually his family name would no longer be synonymous with the evils of his father, and on some planets this is fact, BUT he also has a pretty complicated relationship with family and bloodline.

He also was willing to kill his son again because his son went batshit so he's a dumpster fire of a green man.

Welcome to the most dysfunctional family in the whole sprocking galaxy.

[acacia-may]

Not All Heroes (OMORI Fanfiction)

Description: Kel was the type of person who tended to wear his heart on his sleeve, but even if he wasn't, his older brother, Hero, would still be able to tell something was definitely bothering him. After all, he's been silently trying to fix their broken toaster for who knows how long... Little does he know that what's troubling Kel is far above his pay grade.

OR

Hero tries his best to be a supportive older brother and help Kel process some unexpected news.

[A Post-Bad Ending AU That Takes Place (Nearly) 6 Years After the Bad Ending of OMORI]

Relationships: Hero & Kel's Brotherly Bond and Kelbrey (Romantic Kel/Aubrey) [A/N: Kelbrey is more angsty & dysfunctional here than I like to imagine them, sorry. Blame the game's bad ending.]. Some Hero & Kel & Aubrey friendship. Mentions of Hero & Kel & Aubrey & Sunny & Basil & Mari friendship and References to Past HeroMari (Romantic Hero/Mari).

Characters: Hero (POV Character), Kel, and Aubrey. Sunny, Mari, & Basil are mentioned. Hero & Kel's parents and Sally briefly appear.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Slice of Life, Brotherly Love, Family Feels, Angst With A Hopeful Ending, Aged-Up Characters/Future Fic, Some Romance (Kelbrey), Heart To Heart Chats, Unplanned Pregnancy, Hero: The Savior of Kelbrey, Father's Day, Angsty Kel, Toasters, It Actually Has a Happy/Hopeful Ending (I Promise)

Word Count: 6945

Rating: T for some language and heavy themes and thematic elements (i.e. grief & healing from grief and trauma) and some more suggestive thematic elements/implied suggestive thematic elements due to referenced pregnancy (Note: There is nothing explicit in this fic whatsoever).

Warnings: Major Spoilers for OMORI Bad Ending! Heavy themes and thematic elements (i.e. grief & healing from grief and trauma). Some language, including one (1) somewhat vulgar insult. More suggestive thematic elements/implied suggestive thematic elements due to referenced pregnancy. Implied/Referenced unplanned pregnancy. Implied/Referenced Past Character Deaths. Implied/Referenced Mental Health Issues (i.e. depression, suicide ect.). Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms. Mentioned (of age) drinking. [Disclaimer: I am not advocating for any of the kinds of dysfunction and unhealthy coping skills referenced in this fic. Please don't try this at home, kids]. More tags on AO3.

Link to original post on AO3. Please do not repost to another website.

A/N: I am clearly entering my OMORI era and also my Kel Angst era maybe? I don't know. I prefer happy Kel so I don't know why I keep writing about him being so sad, but I just couldn't get this idea out of my head. I really just wanted to write in a "Post-Bad Ending" AU, I guess. Will I ever write a story in which Kel gets to be happy? This has yet to be seen. Sorry Kel.

Story below the cut. Thank you for reading! 💕

“Hey, Kel. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. They were still out of tomato soup, but I got some potato soup that was on sale in the deli section.” Hero paused—waiting for Kel to make some obligatory joke about tomatoes and potatoes, but Kel didn’t say anything. In fact, he didn’t even look up from whatever he was working on over in the living room of their apartment as Hero set the grocery bags on the counter. Maybe he didn’t hear him?

“Kel?” No answer. “Kel?” he repeated a little louder to still, no answer. “Earth to Kel…” he teased, hoping that would get his attention. When Kel didn’t respond, Hero’s brow furrowed. Usually, his brother couldn’t wait to talk his ear off as soon as he got home, but today he was strangely quiet. It was more than a little concerning. “You okay, Kel?”  

“Huh?” Kel startled nearly dropping the screwdriver he had in his hands. Hero could have sworn his face flushed for just a split second before he hurriedly replied, “Oh sorry, Hero. I didn’t hear you come in.”

That was…odd, but Hero shrugged it off. “No worries. What are you working on?”

“Oh, just taking a look at the toaster. I think there’s a problem with the electrical circuit.”  

Hero sighed. Their toaster had been on the fritz for a couple of days now, and even though Hero had suggested that they could just buy a new one, Kel had gotten into his mind that he should be able to fix it. This in and of itself wasn’t anything new. Kel could certainly be stubborn when he wanted to be, but he was usually a total chatterbox when he was working, not so engrossed in his projects that he turned uncharacteristically silent.

“Seriously, Kel. We can just buy a new one. It’s no big deal.”  

“But what if we need the money for something else?”

“Like what?” Hero’s brow furrowed as a strange look passed over Kel’s eyes.

“I dunno,” he muttered quietly, turning back to the broken toaster. Hero took a deep breath. Something was wrong—call it brother’s intuition, but he knew it.

“Hey, Kel, is…is everything okay?” he asked with a slight tilt of his head. Kel swallowed hard and fidgeted, but he didn’t answer. “Is there something going on at work?” Hero’s mind was racing. Maybe Kel’s plant was downsizing or he had made a big mistake and was in trouble or there was something going on within the company that was making him fear for his job security and his ability to afford toasters…?

“Nah. It’s not that,” answered Kel with a shrug. He looked almost relieved, and his smile returned though it wasn’t nearly as bright as usual. “I think I’m squared away there. Mr. Talbot says I’m a great welder so I can keep working for him as long as I want, and I’ve been making lots of money working third shift.” 

A smile tugged at Hero’s mouth, and he sighed with relief. He was glad Kel’s job was secure and that he seemed to be doing so well for himself now. Hero had been so worried about him after Sunny and Basil had died, but his brother had somehow found his way—thriving in trade school and finding a job he loved in manufacturing. In fact, Hero doubted he knew anyone who loved their job nearly as much as Kel. Almost every morning, whenever Hero was getting ready to head off to one of his med school classes or his clinical work at the hospital, Kel was getting back to the apartment they shared after his late shift, smiling and excitedly prattling away about mechanical things Hero couldn’t begin to understand. He wished Kel would smile now—but he looked so defeated. Something was definitely wrong. 

Hero took a deep breath. He didn’t want to press the issue, but he knew Kel was the type of person who let his worries about burdening others prevent him from opening up sometimes. Over the years, Hero had learned that his brother sometimes needed some gentle encouragement that it was okay to share whatever was on his mind, even if it wasn’t his usual brand of upbeat positivity. “Kel…are you sure everything’s okay?” 

Kel paused but didn’t look up from his toaster project. “I─I just…I’ve got a lot on my mind I guess, but I’m sure it’ll work out.” 

“If you want to talk about it, you can tell me…” Hero reassured him, but when Kel just shrugged again, he sighed. He hoped that Kel knew he could always talk to him about anything, and he just chose not to. Hero had never really known why that was—though he hoped that it wasn’t because of something he had done, that the time he had lashed out at him after Mari’s death hadn’t scarred Kel in a way that made him scared of ever opening up to him again. In the best case scenario, Hero liked to think that whatever troubled Kel was awkward for him to share with his brother and so he was just more comfortable talking to someone else about it—usually Aubrey, if Hero had to guess. 

Aubrey and Kel were thick as thieves, especially since they had lost Basil and Sunny, and Kel had told him once that they could talk about things with each other that they could never say to anyone else. Hero had never been entirely sure what they talked about, and he respectfully stayed out of it for the most part, not wanting to pry into their business. He was just grateful Kel had someone to talk to about whatever was troubling him, and it was nice to have Aubrey around their apartment all the time for meals or to watch tv or to play cards or board games. Even if he hadn’t seen much of her lately seeing as he was so busy with med school and his clinical work, he could always tell when she had been around because the place was much tidier than if he had just left Kel to his own devices. But as nice as it was to come home to the dishes done or the kitchen floor swept up or to the silly sticky-notes she’d leave on their refrigerator, Hero missed actually getting to visit with Aubrey and wished they hadn’t had alternating schedules. 

Like Kel, Aubrey also worked a late shift as a nurse at a local psychiatric hospital. She didn’t like to talk about her job much—and probably couldn’t due to HIPPA and privacy concerns—but Hero couldn’t help but wonder if she chose that line of work to try to prevent another Sunny or Basil from… He swallowed hard and pushed the thought away. They had only discussed it once, very briefly when she first started working in a juvenile psych ward, but he would never forget what she said: “I just kept thinking that someday I’ll finally understand why—what could have possibly led them to think that was the only…”—her voice had hitched—“But I don’t think I’ll ever really know, you know, Hero?”

He had known, and, if he was being honest, he was still trying to make sense of it all himself even all these years later. He was proud of Aubrey for taking that on and trying her best to make a difference to people who were suffering in that way, especially since he knew he would never have the strength for it himself. He avoided psychological topics like the plague, and there was nothing in the world that could make him take a psychiatry residency after he graduated medical school—it just hit too close to home. Even sitting here and trying to help Kel with whatever was troubling him would probably keep him up all night with worry. Aubrey was much stronger—much better at this kind of thing than him. That’s probably why Kel felt like he could talk to her about anything. Maybe they could invite her over for pizza and a game of Jenga and she could help Kel through whatever he was going through. 

“Or maybe you could call Aubrey?” Hero suggested when Kel didn’t respond. Kel flinched—something sad passing over his eyes, and Hero’s insides twisted. Had he said something wrong? 

“Aubrey…” Kel fidgeted, before beginning to tinker with the toaster again. “Aubrey hasn’t been talking to me. She said she needed some space, and I’ve been trying to respect that, it’s just been hard.” 

“Did you two have a fight?” Hero’s brow furrowed. Sure, they still bickered with each other, teased and bantered with each other sometimes, but as far as he knew they hadn’t had a real, actual fight with each other in years. 

“Not really, but…” Kel swallowed. “I think I really messed up this time.” With a sigh, he set the broken toaster and his tools down on the coffee table, and he ran a hand through his unruly hair.

“Aubrey’s your friend,” reassured Hero. “I’m sure she will forgive you eventually. Have you tried apologizing?” 

“Well yeah, of course, I did, but like I said she won’t really talk to me…” He paused and swallowed hard. “Except for today. She called and said she wanted to meet up this morning. I was going to tell her how sorry I was for everything and maybe ask her to get some dinner with me or something but then—then she…” Kel stopped. He fumbled around for something in his pocket before pulling out a small square of paper. “She gave me this.” 

Hero’s eyes widened as he stared at the paper in Kel’s hand. The picture was blurry in grainy black and white, but it was unmistakable to Hero. After all, he must have looked through hundreds of similar ultrasounds during his unit on obstetrics. Still, he couldn’t even begin to wrap his head around it. He choked on his words though he wasn’t even sure what he was trying to say.   

“It’s a sonogram.” Kel paused pointing at the grainy picture. “See, that’s the head, and there’s an arm. Aubrey said the technician laughed because it looked like he was waving at them.” 

“Aubrey’s…uh…that is…she’s…um…is she…?” Hero’s face flushed, and he stopped abruptly. He couldn’t say it. It made it too real.

Kel, however, must have caught on well enough to his rambled half-sentences, and he hummed and nodded in agreement though a sheepish smile twitched in the corners of his mouth. “Yeah… she’s—uh—having a baby. She says she’s due near Mari’s birthday, in March.” 

“I…I didn’t even know she was in a relationship…” 

“I don’t think she is”—Kel cleared his throat and shrugged his shoulders slightly—“ Or maybe she is. I don’t know. She hasn’t really talked to me in a while.” 

“Is…is the father…?” Hero stammered, halfway hoping Kel would cut him off. It seemed like too personal a question and probably none of his business, but the words slipped out before he could stop them. 

Kel bit his lip and stared off at the wall as he rubbed his hand across the nape of his neck. “Oh—uh, so…funny story about that…” His cheeks flushed, and Hero could feel his own face begin to burn. He swallowed hard. No. There was no way… 

“Kel─” he barely managed to choke out, blinking at him in disbelief. 

“Uh, yeah so…” Kel sort of shrugged his shoulders before he chuckled lightly, awkwardly. “This is my kid. I’m gonna be a dad—pretty wild, huh?” he said with far more nonchalance than the situation warranted. Kel sighed down at the sonogram before holding out the paper to Hero. “And I guess that means this is your nephew or niece, right? It’s a little unbelievable honestly, and I’m kind of freaking out to tell you the truth.” 

Hero could only blink at him in disbelief before he pressed his palm to his forehead, trying to remind himself to take deep, shaky breaths. “Kel…I…What? How?” he tripped hurriedly over his words. 

“You’re really close to being a doctor, Hero. You really expect me to believe you don’t know where babies come from?” 

Hero choked—blushing a beet red. “No, uh, that’s not what I meant!” he frantically replied. He paused, trying his best to clear his parched throat. “I just meant that you and…and Aubrey…” His face flushed an even deeper red. Aubrey was a very private person about everything, especially her personal life, but Hero didn’t think she had ever had a serious relationship. Up until this moment, he would have sworn that Kel certainly hadn’t, and, as far as he knew, he wasn’t out there hooking up with a bunch of girls either. Then again, what did he know? He was just his older brother. Kel could be a real ladies’ man or maybe he had been secretly in a relationship with Aubrey this entire time and hadn’t told anyone for some reason or…? Hero’s head whirled. He didn’t know what to think. He supposed it was really none of his business, but the words tumbled out in his desperate attempts to make sense of what he was hearing. “Are you two…um…dating?” 

“I don’t think so. I wish she’d let me take her on a date, but she’s just been avoiding me ever since we…uh, well, you know…” Kel scratched the back of his neck and let out a long, heavy sigh before he shook his head. He cleared his throat and something almost helpless and genuinely remorseful passed over his eyes. “Listen, I─I really, really messed up, Hero. I don’t even know what I was thinking—I probably wasn’t thinking anything, and now…now this is just such a mess and I─I don’t know what to do…” 

“Do you…uh…want to talk about it?” He tripped over his words, sheepish and awkward. He was sure it wasn’t his place and truthfully didn’t really want to know, but he could tell Kel desperately needed to get it all off his chest and if the last decade had taught them anything, it was that carrying a burden alone, crumbling under the weight of it, could destroy a person. He had already lost Mari, Sunny, and Basil in this way—he didn’t want to lose Kel too, didn’t want him to suffer alone. “I’m here. If you ever…” His voice trailed, but Kel tilted his head with a conceding sigh. 

“It was a couple months ago,” he began. There was a certain relief that passed over his face when he started talking as if he had been desperately wanting to tell someone this story for a long, long time, and knowing Kel as well as he did, Hero could only imagine how hard it was for him to keep it a secret for months. “She was really, really sad since the anniversary was coming up. It’s been 5 years since Basil…” He stopped. “And 6 years since Sunny…and 10 since Mari…” His voice trailed. “It’s just a lot, you know? So she came over and we sat and talked about it for a long time, and she was really, really broken up. I probably should’ve stopped her from drinking with me, I just…I hate it when she cries, and she thought it would make her feel better. But I think it just made us stupid.”

He sighed and shook his head. “It was getting really late. You were still at the hospital or school or somewhere…and I was just listening to her and sometimes talking too—the details are all kind of fuzzy but eventually she started saying something about how she doesn’t have anybody—Mari and Basil and Sunny and her dad, they all just left her and now she’s all alone. And I just wanted her to feel better. I told her that she has me, you know? But I know that probably doesn’t mean a lot coming from me—nobody really needs me…” He shrugged his shoulders and tried to laugh it off, but Hero could see the pain in his eyes before he sighed again. “I know, I know it was a sucky thing for me to do, but when she said she needed me, I─I just…I don’t know…I just…kissed her and—she kissed me back. And then I kissed her back and…I don’t know if it was the alcohol or that we were sad or just both things, everything, but well… one thing led to another…” 

Kel cleared his throat, and Hero sighed with relief that his brother had cut himself off there. He didn’t want to interrupt Kel or make him feel like he couldn’t share, but he couldn’t shake the feeling he was somehow invading his and Aubrey’s privacy. There were certain things brothers just shouldn’t ever know about each other. 

“It was huge mistake, and I felt so guilty about it the next day, like I took advantage of how broken up she was. She said it was what she wanted, but I just don’t think she would have wanted me if she was completely sober and wasn’t so upset, you know?” He let out a long and heavy sigh. “I tried to apologize to her, but she said she’d rather just forget about it—chalk it up to stupid drunk mistakes and unhealthy coping or whatever and just never talk about it again. I said that was okay, but I just kept thinking about it—not in a weird way, just in an ‘I really wished I could do things over and take her out on a real date’ kind of way. Seriously, the very next day I was planning to ask if she’d let me buy her breakfast or something, but she had totally disappeared when I woke up and like I said, she wouldn’t really talk to me after so…” 

Kel sighed and ran a hand through his hair, cursing under his breath. “I’m such an idiot and now…now she’s…” He shook his head in disbelief. “I almost didn’t believe it when she told me, but she had this picture and everything…” He gripped the sonogram until his knuckles began to turn white. “She had this video too—on her phone.” As Kel paused, his face began to soften, and a smile twitched in the corners of his mouth—”It was actually kinda cool. The baby was really wiggling around and stuff. I thought that maybe…maybe he’d be kinda athletic like me—or she would, if it’s a girl.” He somehow managed a shaky chuckle. “You could hear the heartbeat too—sounded really strong…” Kel’s voice trailed as he ran a hand through his hair and took several shallow, shaky breaths. “Shit, Hero. What am I gonna do?”

Kel buried his face in his hands, and Hero’s chest ached. He scrambled to try to think of something to say to comfort Kel, but all he could think about was whether he had ever seen his brother so scared before. He couldn’t even imagine what he was feeling right now—the complicated emotions—the disbelief, the fears, the uncertainty, the guilt and the helplessness that must have been eating away at him since he had found out about the baby. 

“I feel terrible—like I’ve ruined her life and probably ruined the kid’s life or at least I’m gonna ruin it eventually because I don’t have any idea what I’m doing. I don’t know anything about being a parent—I can barely take care of myself.” 

“I’m sure Mom and Dad could give you some advice…”

Kel interrupted him with a groan, muttering a string of curses under his breath before throwing up his hands. “I didn’t even think about them. They’re gonna kill me.”

“I’m sure they’re not going to…um…” Hero stopped. “Listen, Mom and Dad care about you. They’re probably going to be surprised, but I think they’ll be supportive and helpful.” Hero tried to muster a reassuring smile. “I mean…Sally was a surprise to them, right?”

“They had Sally after being married for almost 20 years, Hero. I haven’t even taken Aubrey on a real date. These are not the same things.” Kel huffed but shook his head waving his hands around in frustration. Hero could tell by the look in his eyes that he was spiraling. “Oh, Sally… I wasn’t thinking about her either. She’s gonna be more like a sister than an aunt, and what are Mom and Dad even going to tell her? Like ‘Hey, Sally, guess what, your big brother’s a manwhore. He’s a baby daddy now.’”

“K—Kel!” spluttered a red-faced Hero. “They’re not going to say that, especially not to Sally.”

“What if they take it out on Aubrey?” Kel cut him off, gesturing wildly with his hands, clearly spiraling too much to listen to him. “What are people gonna say about her? What are they gonna think? Especially the church ladies—they’re gonna whisper and gossip about her and think terrible, awful things, and it’s all my fault.”

“Listen, Kel, you can’t control what other people think, okay?” Hero tried to reassure him, politely failing to mention that Kel had much more important things to worry about than the church ladies. “And…”

“And Aubrey said her mom told her not to bother coming home if she ever got pregnant,” The words raced out of Kel’s mouth, faster than Hero thought he could even think them. “And—and Kim…oh shit, Hero, she wants to cut off—”

“Calm down,” interjected Hero placing both hands squarely on Kel’s shoulders until he was looking at him with wide, frightened eyes. Hero took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down too. It wouldn’t do Kel any good if he also started spiraling into a tornado of worries. “Okay? It’s going to be okay. Take a couple of deep breaths. The most important thing right now is Aubrey—how is Aubrey?” Hero paused, but Kel only blinked at him so he prompted,  “I’m sure she’s…she’s scared too, right? Has she been sick?”

“She’s not sick, Hero. She’s pregnant.”

He buried his face in his hand—willing himself not to roll his eyes. “Yes, Kel…” he said with a heavy sigh. “I know that. I just…meant…has she been feeling sick because she’s pregnant?”

“Oh.” With a thoughtful tilt of his head, Kel’s brow furrowed. “I don’t know. I didn’t think to ask that.” He pressed his palm to his forehead and shook his head. “I’m so bad at this.”

“It’s—it’s okay, Kel…” Hero reached out his hand to pat his brother’s shoulder, but Kel jerked away from him.

“No, it isn’t.” His face fell, and he sighed despondently. “This whole thing is just terrible—I feel like such a screw up. If I was just more careful or a better person, I wouldn’t have messed up and gotten her pregnant in the first place. If I really cared about her, I would’ve just called her a ride or something. I bet that’s what you would have done—you’d have been a gentleman, made sure she got home safe. You’d probably never even be in this situation, with anyone…” 

“Well…uh…,” Hero stumbled unsure of how exactly to respond to that. He didn’t really want to be involved, and he certainly didn’t think that comparison to him was warranted. He couldn’t even imagine wanting to be in a relationship with anyone—not anymore, not since Mari… He stopped—swallowing hard and ignoring that pang in his chest. He couldn’t even imagine kissing another woman. Let alone… He cleared his throat and awkwardly fidgeted with his hands. He supposed Kel was right. He probably would have never been in this situation—he was way above his pay grade here. 

“Listen, Kel…” he began, hoping he would think of something comforting to say if he just started fumbling his way through his words. “Don’t beat yourself up. I know it’s really scary, but it’s going to be okay. What’s important now is that you need to do right by Aubrey and the baby. You need to take responsibility and care of them.” 

“I know, and I want to—really. I just…I don’t know what I should do…,” Kel continued, a certain helplessness creeping into his voice. “I asked Aubrey if she thought we should get married or something…” He paused. “She said she’d think about it…” As Kel bit his lip, his face fell, and he fidgeted with his hands. He looked defeated—almost wounded. Even so, he managed an awkward chuckle as he scratched the nape of his neck. “I completely understand if she doesn’t want to marry me though. She can probably do a lot better. I just—I didn’t know what else to do…” 

“I’m sure it’s not about you personally, Kel. She probably just doesn’t want a shotgun wedding, you know?” 

“Yeah, you’re right,” Kel sighed. “But I don’t think it would be just a shotgun wedding, you know?” 

“Would you have wanted to marry her even if she wasn’t─?” His voice cracked. He was still struggling to say it. 

“Maybe…someday—probably farther in the future after we actually went out, you know? We haven’t even been on a real date before.” He sighed and pressed his hand wearily to his forehead again. “I feel like I need to buy her some noodles or a piece of cake or something before we have a kid. She deserves a real date and a real relationship and stuff…Probably a real proposal too. I didn’t even have a ring or anything. I just kind of panicked.” 

“Kel…uh…” Hero stopped himself before he stammered ‘slow down.’ “Are you…? Uh…Do you love Aubrey?” 

“I dunno—maybe. Probably.” He sighed. “I just never really thought about it, you know? I just didn’t think she was ever gonna be into me, so I figured it would be best not to even consider it. But…I dunno… she’s pretty amazing.” His mouth curved into a smile, and there was something almost wistful in his eyes. “She’s honest and funny and kinda spunky—and her nose gets all wrinkly when she laughs”—he chuckled, then sighed—“Ever since Sunny and Basil died, she’s been the closest person in the world to me besides you. I’ve told her stuff I could never tell anyone else—all kinds of stuff about me and how I feel, even the bad stuff—and she still talks to me after. And—I dunno—it’s kind of like she sees something in me that nobody else does. I can’t stop thinking about her, and I want to be with her all the time and…I just want to make her happy—” Kel stopped and took a deep breath, shaking his head as if he had finally realized what Hero had figured out about five sentences ago. “Damn…I’m a moron.”

Hero stifled a chuckle before he ruffled his little brother’s hair with a gentle smile. “You’re just in love.”

Kel blushed. “You really think so?”

Hero shrugged his shoulders and nodded—the understatement of the century seeing as he never even realized Kel could look so besotted or lovesick, especially not about Aubrey of all people. Sure, he teased them a little from time to time, as older siblings tend to do, but he probably would have never treated it like such a joke if he had the slightest inkling Kel was harboring real, genuine feelings for her. To see how his face lit up just now when talked about her, Hero, honestly, felt pretty stupid for not having realized it before.

Kel’s smile had all but faded, and he buried his face in his hands, cursing under his breath again. “I have really, really messed this up…” he mumbled. “I’ll be lucky if she’ll even talk to me again.”

“She’s going to have to talk to you, Kel. You’re having a kid together…” Hero froze. The words felt so heavy—so real. Kel and Aubrey were having a baby. They were going to be the parents of a real, actual child. It was hard to believe.

“That poor, kid…” Kel sighed, then stumbled hurriedly. “I mean, Aubrey’s great—she’ll be an awesome mom, but the baby’s gonna be stuck with me for a dad. I’m probably gonna mess him up or something.”  

“Hey, don’t say that,” interrupted Hero. “You are both going to be great parents. This might not be the best situation, but that kid is going to be so lucky to have you and I know you’re going to be an amazing dad.”

“I dunno…”

“You are,” Hero insisted as he wrapped his arm around Kel’s shoulders. Kel rolled his eyes, but Hero’s mouth curved into a kind, gentle smile as he continued, “I can just see it, Kel. No one will be able to get your kid to laugh like you do—you’ll put party hats over your eyes or smash cake in your face just to see him smile. You’ll have splash fights for hours at the beach or push her so high on the swings that she’ll swear she can reach the moon. If your kid ever wants to try a sport like you, you’ll cheer louder and more enthusiastically than all the other parents at every single game. You’ll tell the best bedtime stories and come up with the most fun games to play. You’ll teach her how to throw a baseball and how to always win at cards. You’ll sit with him and listen when he’s sad, and you’d stop the world to make him happy again.”

Hero gave his brother a reassuring pat on the back before he sighed, “I know that this is a really tough situation and that it’s not always going to be easy. I don’t know how things are all going to work out, but there is no doubt in my mind that you are going to love that kid no matter what.” He gently pushed the sonogram back towards Kel. “I can tell you already do.”  

“You…you really think so?” asked Kel, a blush filling his cheeks as he fidgeted with the sonogram in his hands.

“I know it,” said Hero, nodding several times for good measure.

Kel’s mouth twitched into a slight smile as he stared down at the sonogram. “You know, in the middle of all this freaking out I’ve been doing, I…I was thinking about all the cool things we could do together—me and the kid. I could teach him how to play basketball or baseball. We could eat watermelon in the summertime or build sandcastles. Maybe I could build a treehouse someday, and she could play in it with her friends.” Something panged in Hero’s chest, and from the look in Kel’s eyes, he knew he was thinking the same thing—remembering those bittersweet moments from their own childhoods back when all of their friends were still together. “Wouldn’t it be kind of great if someday we could take the kid to all our favorite places from when we were kids? Maybe we can bury him in the sand at the beach like we did with Sunny, or teach her how to make flower crowns like Mari taught us, or take silly Polaroids together like Basil, or have picnics”—his voice hitched before it grew soft, quiet—“I wish they were here...”

Hero pulled his brother closer to him and leaned his head on his shoulder as he took long, shaky breaths. There were some kinds of pain that never really left a person—the loss of a friend was one of them. Even after all these years, his heart ached thinking about Sunny, Basil, and Mari. “I know…” he said. “Me too.”

“Aubrey says they know. She told them first. She said she was so upset and confused when she took the test that she just got in her car and started driving—she didn’t know where she was going until she was at the church. She went to visit them, at the cemetery and told them everything, though she was sure they probably already knew.” He paused, a light chuckle reverberating in his chest. “She said she felt so much better afterwards—knew she wanted to raise the baby and bring him or her back there someday, even if she had to do it without me.” Kel swallowed hard. His breath hitched, and Hero could feel his shoulders begin to shake as his voice grew quiet. “I don’t want her to have to do that alone. I want to be there—to be a dad. To take care of the baby and take care of her…”   

Hero’s expression softened as he comfortingly patted Kel’s shoulder. “That’s what’s great about you, Kel. You want to fix things. You want to take care of people and make them happy—to do the right thing.”

Kel sniffled wiping his nose on his shirt sleeve, but a lopsided, bittersweet smile twitched in the corners of his mouth. “I just wish I knew what ‘the right thing’ was…” He sighed with a somewhat helpless shrug of his shoulders. “What do you think I should do, Hero?”

“Well…” Hero sighed. “I really think you should be honest with Aubrey about how you’re feeling—the good and the bad stuff. She’s probably really scared too, so you should encourage her that you’re not going to go anywhere and promise that you’ll be there for her and for your kid so she won’t have to do this alone. Then, the two of you are going to have to sort out the rest together, but I think it’ll be easier to do that after you’ve had an honest conversation.” Kel nodded, and Hero shrugged his shoulders. “And eventually you’ll have to tell Mom and Dad because they will figure it out…But that’s good for a start, right?”

Kel blinked at him—words of gratitude that he couldn’t say glistening in his eyes as he nodded. “Yeah, that’s good.” His smile brightened as he immediately stood up from the sofa and rushed over to his car keys hanging by the front door.

“Hey…uh…what are…?”

“I’m going to go talk to her—right now,” he exclaimed with a certain determination.

“Well…I didn’t mean you had to go over right now,” stumbled Hero. “Maybe you should text her first and ask if it’s a good time…”

“That’s okay. I’ll call her on the way,” Kel chuckled before he paused. “Oh I almost forgot.” He fumbled around with the sonogram in his hands before proudly hanging it on the refrigerator with a magnet. Kel beamed at it before turning back to Hero and pulling him into a tight hug. “You’re gonna be the best uncle, you know?”

“I’ll try my best,” quipped Hero as he wrapped his arms around his brother.

“Thank you…” Kel’s voice was so quiet, Hero almost couldn’t hear him. “For everything.”

“You’re welcome,” he whispered before Kel pat him on the back and took off through the doorway.

Once Kel had gone, Hero stared at his phone for a long, long time debating whether or not he should text Aubrey and give her a heads up that Kel was on his way over, especially since this may or may not have been because he misinterpreted his advice. Eventually, he decided it was probably not his place to meddle, and he decided to fix himself some food instead. As he walked over to the refrigerator, he stared at the sonogram Kel had hung up, and he smiled.

One day that refrigerator would be covered in pictures. Another sonogram—several actually, of increasingly better quality. A photo of Hero stifling his laughter at an unamused and heavily pregnant Aubrey’s shirt that said, “Don’t Eat Watermelon Seeds” which Kel was so proud to have found himself. One of Kel, happier than he had ever been in his life, as he held his son for his first time. Of Aubrey practically beaming with the baby during a picnic they all took together in the park. Of Hero dressing his nephew up in a onesie that looked like a dinosaur or holding his tiny hands as he crooned to old records turned lullabies or taking him for a walk in the rain under an umbrella. Snapshots of the life of a little boy who Aubrey playfully teased was far too adorable for someone who looked so much like Kel, and who Kel would be the first to tell anyone was his whole world—the best thing that ever could’ve happened to him. The most loved little boy in all of Faraway Town who showed his Uncle Hero—who showed all of them that they could be happy again.

Hero’s phone dinged. It was a message from Aubrey. It read: “You know don’t you?”

He chuckled sheepishly to himself as he picked up his phone to respond and watched the bouncing ellipses of her typing a follow up text, but as he read it, he couldn’t help but smile.

“Thank you.”

*-*-*

Epilogue:  

One Year Later…

“I want to hold him! I want to hold him!” exclaimed Sally excitedly, practically doting on her new nephew as he was rocked to sleep by an equally doting grandma. Kel smiled but shushed her gently.

“Gentle, Sally. He’s trying to sleep—we have to appreciate those opportunities when we’ve got ‘em,” he teased with a wink in Aubrey’s general direction. There was a certain affection to the way she rolled her eyes that made Hero stifle a chuckle. By this point, he was fairly convinced he was never not going to find her and Kel’s banter with each other cute, even or perhaps especially if it continued to annoy them. Despite his best efforts to hide it, however, he knew Aubrey saw the way his mouth had twitched into a smile, and she quirked an eyebrow at him before cutting another piece of the cake they had brought over to his parents’ house for Father’s Day.

“You want another piece of cake, Hero?” she asked, that gold band in the shape of an infinity symbol clanging against the ceramic plate as she held it out to him.

“No thanks,” he replied politely. “I’ve already had one, and I’m already stuffed from dinner. Looks like Dad is too.” He laughed as he glanced over at his father who was dozing off in his new recliner—the perfect gift, all thanks to Aubrey.

Aubrey chuckled but sighed. “He’s definitely got the right idea. I wish that was me.”

“Really? I feel great,” interjected Kel excitedly. “We got six hours of sleep in a row last night! I may have actually cried a little when I woke up this morning.”

“Dork,” teased Aubrey with a playful roll of her eyes, but her mouth twitched up in the corners.

“Your dork,” Kel corrected. “Forever.” He laughed, smugly wiggling the fingers of his left hand to her. He even pointed at his ring a couple of times for good measure, but when she just blinked at him unamused, he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek.

“Kel…” she huffed, then turned to glare at Hero who could no longer stifle his laughter. “You’re making Hero uncomfortable.”

“Are you kidding? This is adorable. I wish I had a camera,” Hero teased in his dry way. Aubrey sighed, but, seemingly, decided to change the subject.

“We have something for you,” she said, disentangling herself from Kel’s hug. “Don’t we, Kel…”

“Oh yeah, that’s right!” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded greeting card envelope. Aubrey pressed her palm to her forehead and shook her head.

“I thought you said you were going to take care of it.”

“I did,” Kel insisted. “It’s right here.”

Aubrey let out a long and heavy sigh as Kel unfolded the greeting card and handed it to Hero.

“Thank you,” he said as he took it with a kindhearted smile. “I’m sure it’s great. But I don’t understand why you’re giving me…”

“It’s Father’s Day,” Kel cut him off with an emphatic nod as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Hero’s brow furrowed. “Happy Father’s Day or uh—Uncle’s Day…or uh—Godfather’s Day…That works, right?” Kel looked to Aubrey for reassurance, but she was mid-facepalm muttering about how she really needed that nap. “Well, whatever it’s your first one as an Uncle-Godfather, so it’s special.”

“We also wanted to thank you,” added Aubrey with a gentle smile as she glanced over at her sleeping son who was currently being handed to a very excited Aunt Sally. “For everything.”

Hero smiled at Aubrey and Kel, before carefully opening the greeting card. It took him all of 5 seconds to realize Kel had probably picked it out given the bright colors and the joke about uncles being like superheroes. Inside were the punchline and the words “Happy Father’s Day,” as well as a gift card to his favorite coffee shop.

Smiling, he looked up to offer his gratitude and thanks, when he caught sight of a personalized message scrawled at the bottom of the card. His smile widened, and he could feel a tear prickling in the corner of his eye as he read the words: “Not All Heroes Wear Capes.”

[whentherewerebicycles]

somehow it’s noon already!! but it’s been a productive morning. in my earlier research i’d been so focused on their first-gen numbers i somehow missed or didn’t fully register the fact that fully 40% of this school’s incoming students each year are transfer students from two-year colleges, which is obviously !!! a specific student population with unique needs that i should be prepared to address in whatever presentation i put together! so i did some initial research and reading in the secondary literature + then also reached out to two former advisees who transferred from community colleges and always had a lot to say about the types of support structures they wished they’d had. they were v happy to help so i set up calls with them tomorrow and on wednesday so i can pick their brains on how to effectively engage & support transfer students in undergraduate research. i made a promise to myself earlier in the week that i would only do rabbithole-style research if it felt like the topics would’ve been fascinating to me even if i didn’t have this interview, but i actually DO find this question super interesting and it’s also a fun excuse to reconnect with former students i haven’t caught up with in a while.

also man i just feel really happy and so much more like myself when i’m in this mode. my brain is WORKING again! i’m overflowing again with thoughts and ideas! i do think that trying a job outside of academia was a valuable life experience for me... and i do realize that this particular job is not representative of ALL non-academic jobs (if i didn’t have such a difficult manager i might’ve been able to stick it out here a lot longer). but also: i feel like you gotta pay attention to what energizes you vs. drains you in this life! and i am so energized by teaching, mentoring, program design, and doing any kind of research on those topics. i also feel my heart LEAPING at the thought of being immersed in a university community again. it’s funny because i get all the petty academic politics stories from macky and i knoooow how difficult & prickly & impossible academics can be but idk! as far as lightly dysfunctional work environments go, i find this form of dysfunction familiar and comforting! and i feel like the joy of working with students is sufficient recompense for the at-times harrowing experience of working with other academics lol. i’m just ready to be back in a place that i love and i’m really excited about this school in particular.

i was rereading the job posting earlier this week and thinking about how much more work it’s going to be than my current barely-anything job, which i know will probably cut into my loooong leisurely walks and my hours-long cooking sessions and my ability to lie around in bed for hours every day. it’s been nice in some ways to have so much time to do non-work things and to really get myself into good routines with cooking/exercising/etc, but i just DO NOT THRIVE when i have too much unstructured time and i am really, really starved for the casual friendly daily social contact i got from my old job. i feel like too much unstructured time = more time wasted because the time doesn’t feel valuable to me.

and idk i need people time! i need relationships with others! i need it both in a social energy and in an intellectual way... like, my conversations with students and the interpersonal conflicts you have to navigate and the unexpected things that come up in a teaching/mentoring relationship provide so much grist for the ol’ reflective mill. i feel like part of the reason i’ve felt sooooo bored and so annoyingly self-absorbed the past six or seven months is that i just don’t have enough INPUT you know?? i need all those interactions to spark new ways of thinking about something or new ideas or new interests to research. otherwise i’m just stuck in my own head, endlessly turning over my small cares and petty little resentments, without anything to challenge me or push me out of myself or force me to recalibrate the way i’m viewing a situation. anyway idk it’s all good data! as i am always telling students even bad or meh experiences can teach you something useful about who you are & what you need to thrive!!

[folklauerate]

anj ur fics are so fun and well-crafted i am a huge secret admirer of them who has been following u for a yr (and i respect the dilf prof anthony agenda frfr it's always the english depts too getting called daddy thank u for this homage) but omfg as someone in the humanities phd track, i cannot help but ask why kate is so young for a prof???? esp since almost all humanities profs start a fulltime teaching position at 28-30 yrs old minimum... i had a hard time imagining how 25 yr old would allowed to teach as a professor full-time by effect of her 'merit' unless it's some exploitative semi-illegal gag clause contingency hidden in her contract that renders her basically a 'pre-'grad student but w/o even their flimsy benefits n protections which actually usually is the case... 😭😭 knowing the dysfunctional politics embedded in uk and north american tenure systems, i unfortunately couldnt get past it! but looking forward to ur milf kate writing, hope u dont find this question too nosy or offensive lol (i enjoyed the fic for what it is hehe) i realize traumatized phds r probs not the target audience of this fic nor entitled to an explanation for why ur not reading and incorporating paywalled exposes of uni working conditions into a fic but was still curious if u were just taking reference from a different context or more ethical precedent of academic labor (which may ease my conscious reading it haha). tysm!

First of all—thank you! I appreciate you reading and being a secret admirer (tho I promise I don’t bite, ur always welcome to say hey!). I appreciate it 💘

Second of all—lmfao I was wondering when I’d get this ask or comment 😭😭😭😭😭 I just knew there’d be some poor phd student or some professor reading this fic who’d be like “hang on… what’s that?” and the answer I’ve got for you is let’s have a healthy dose of suspension of complete disbelief because it was the only way I could make this work 🤓

I wanted it to be an age gap because I wanted to write an age gap but I didn’t want there to be too horrible of a power imbalance that would definitely come with it being a student/professor relationship. That was just too far for me to personally go, even though with the ages I have them at, it would be the most realistic thing. Idk making them student/professor made me feel icky. I suppose I could’ve made her work some admin job within the university but I really liked the idea of them both teaching, and I originally planned on having him sort of rediscover his own love of teaching thanks to her enthusiasm. For some background (this didn’t make it into the fic, but I did hint at it); Anthony specializes in teaching a lot of western lit canon/comp lit things and Kates specializes in post-colonial lit/Asian American lit, and I liked the idea of her challenging his perspectives and changing up some of the ways he approaches his work and the things he assigns, and that all helping him rediscover his love of teaching as well. There’s a repeated theme in this oneshot of rebirth; how love can find us at unexpected times and make the world feel brand new again. I kinda heavy-handedly drove the theme home when he says I love you and I write that it washes over Kate like rainwater in spring—a sort of nod to baptism/rebirth imagery, a nod to rain being necessary for renewal even though she’s afraid of storms but the storm scene is a huge turning point for them, and rain and springtime and rebirth etc lol. ANYWAYS—all this to say, I really do try and make things as realistic as possible, because that matters to me and I like world building and tbh I do get paranoid that someone might read my fic and go “oh well that’s wrong, a mechanic would never say that” or something lol, but it is fanfiction land and I do have to make some concessions to make the story work in the way I want it to work, and I sort of ended up here lol! Trust me, though, I totally hear you; I was an English major myself (if you couldn’t tell) with a concentration in post-colonial lit and a minor in poli-sci and for a while I thought I’d get my masters or a PhD in the humanities and then teach, before a professor discouraged me from it bc ya know this is the US and that usually means a lot of debt and no teaching positions lol. But all that to say—I totally hear you! It’s not realistic and it’s icky if you work/study in it and know exactly what the dark and ugly side of academia looks like! But most folks probably didn’t catch that bc no one really knows what it’s like until you’re in it tbh. I tried to sort of make it work by having her have these two masters degrees (again, insane) and be some sort of wunderkind and exciting new voice in the post-colonial lit field that Agatha just had to bring on lmao. Basically it’s not perfect and it doesn’t totally work irl, but it’s not too big of a plot point besides getting them in the same place, and it’s not a huge focus, just in the background as they’re grading things or walking around campus, and I hope it doesn’t totally impede your ability to read it, but I totally understand if it does 😭

[lizzylucky]

Hello lovely, just wanted to check in on you and see if you were ok ❤️

Aw, thank you! I appreciate the check in, genuinely 💕

In truth, life s u c k s right now. Been in some pretty serious burnout for seven months now, and discovered that I may actually have some form of OSDD/DID, which has been kinda scary. This on top of anxiety and depression and a whole slew of other things just makes for a horrible cycle of dysfunction. Bad soup, 0 stars, would NOT recommend.

But! I am trying so hard to make things better! I'm slowly building up resources to help, and looking for ways to manage and overcome what I'm going through! I still hope to go back to college and work one day, to draw and write fan content again, and to build relationships with people when I am able. The hope is what counts, so though it might be hard to see, I'm still kickin'!

And if anyone else is going through any of this kinda stuff in any way, I want you to know that you are doing amazing. It doesn't matter how little you've accomplished or how low you feel or how many relationships you've had to watch dwindle; because no matter what you are so strong for still being here, for wanting to want to get better, and for doing so much as to wake up today. Period. You don't have to feel okay right now, but hang on and one day I promise you will.

All in all, I could be doing a lot better. But I could also be doing worse, and I still have my friends and family and pets rooting for me and keeping me sane, and even the occasional check in from wonderful people like you! I'm grasping onto anything I can right now, and that's not too bad for the time being 💕💕💕

[vaultofqueenorion]

I have a bad case of this, and while I am actively working on it, and there are still MANY things that I can get better at, here are some things that you might be able to do or use!

1:

I got this one from a therapist specializing in ADHD and autistic individuals but it might work for others, too. Your brain and your memories work like a tree - every memory is a part of it.

Your most defining memories and experiences - doesn't have to be one specific one, can be a lot that add up to a defining value over time. Also doesn't have to come from childhood but many often do - form the trunk and largest branches. Some of these branches are sick (trauma), and whatever they grow also become sick (trauma reactions - something like hyper-responsibility, for example). You must prune these branches.

So how do you do that?

One method: Recognize which branches are sick. This requires some introspection, but if you can recognize the situations in which you react out of hyper-responsibility or feel extremely guilty, this is a good step.

Another method: Recognize what led to the creation of these branches. For example, mine comes from a variety of things from my childhood such as close relatives guilt tripping me often to manipulate me, close relatives pushing responsibility onto me for things that a child should not be responsible for, attempting to create peace in my childhood home due to dysfunctional parental relationships ... so on. Sit with this and tell yourself that it wasn't your fault. Get angry, forgive the people who hurt you if you need to, experience the emotions that you forced yourself to turn into guilt and let them appear in your body. Know that it was not your fault and that you did not deserve it.

The most important part: When or if you recognize that you have the feelings of guilt, sit or lie down. Force yourself to sit with it and go through the following:

What am I feeling right now?

Why am I feeling this right now?

If it was truly 'my fault', what would be the worst case scenario? What about the best? How would we move on from here?

Most of the time, even the worst case scenario is something like 'they are mad at me'. Take the time to think 'so what?'. You are allowed to exist and they are allowed to have their emotions - this does not mean that you are guilty of a crime; we're humans - stuff happens.

The reason for why you should sit with it is because - as per the words of my therapist - you must 'rewrite the core memory parts of your brain'. Essentially, you must prune the branches by resetting the chemical responses your brain has to situations in which you have previously been led to feel extremely guilty.

This is a long and painful process. The first time I tried, I could only sit for a few seconds before I began spiraling into a panic attack. Talk yourself through it with your usual coping mechanisms. Then sit again, if you can manage, and try to really feel what is going on in your body. Try to think through the questions.

This will get easier with time. I promise you. I am so far from where I were and I still have so far to go.

2:

Talk to the person, partner about what they're feeling. Only do this if you trust the person and feel safe with them. Often, they will tell you about it, and it isn't as bad as your brain made you think. Sit with this, too.

3:

My partner has taken an active role in trying to help me have less guilt. Whenever I experience guilt, I let him know, and we talk through it in the following way:

What do I think happened?

Why do I feel guilty?

What is the reason that I should not feel guilty?

Often, trying to think about why I should not feel guilty helps my brain understand that it was not possibly my fault, and even if it was guilt does not help in the case of hyper-responsibility. Guilt indicates, usually, that you've done something, you did not believe was right. In the case of hyper-responsibility, guilt has become the default emotion to so many things - especially when things go wrong.

Treat yourself like you would a child that dropped their glass of milk and it shattered.

Were anyone hurt?

Treat the ones that were hurt if you are able - you are only able if you have the energy and capability and do not need to strain yourself. Helping should take less than 70 percent at least of your potential energy/capability levels for this moment (not for the whole day, week or anything like that. This is short term).

What can we do to clean this up?

Clean this up

At any point, ask for help. Not if you need to - just ask for help if it might be useful. Ask for help as a default (you might also have difficulty with this, but try)

Have your partner tell you when you are being mean to yourself and point out whether you would react in the same way if they had been in the situation. Most often, the answer is no.

I hope someone can use this to help them on their journey. You do not deserve to feel guilty all the time. You are not a burden.

You are enough, just as you are - yes, even, without doing stuff. Even sitting silently in a chair or lying in your bed, even gaming, even relaxing, you are enough.

Anyone else have that thing where you get stressed out when someone else is in a bad mood because now it's your responsibility to make them feel better, but if you're in a bad mood and someone tries to cheer you up you get stressed out because now it's your responsibility to pretend that it's helping to make them feel better.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

some grand self mythology

when I look back over my life

I realize how little true peace and safety

I have actually been able to feel around people

in whatever home I ended up in

it never felt like I grew up in a home

it felt like I just kind of showed up

never really belonged but had to work there

deny the reality of my experience and the characters in it

keep all the secrets even if they hurt me

I always seemed to do a lot of more things than everyone else

but when I succeeded they were upset and mean

and when I brought it up I was always wrong

I never felt the right way

I didn't even think the right way

and it's a cycling pattern I have just been swimming through

suspended in time and raw perceptions of a reality

I never get to acknowledge and everyone denies

no wonder I confused role playing with self-preservation

no wonder it took performance art to understand myself

I built my identity around the idea I am called by duty

to be kind and fair and level-headed and generous

mostly because I never had an example of that growing up

my mother couldn't contain her rage and beat it into me

my father couldn't contain his own emotions let alone mine

let's just say co-regulation or really any sort of regulation

wasn't much of a theme with the generations who raised us

I become who I am because of what I didn't want to be

when things start to become challenging I begin to

edit and rearrange all the elements I'm working with

the problem with that is that I forget the whole story

or the part I'm working on or the plot and setting

and I'm distracted by the connections I make in my own mind

learning how to drop my awareness into my body has helped

it used to be unsafe to live in my body because I'd have

all these emotions and be forced not to express them

completely on fire and punished if I showed it

my youngest used to say over and over and over

"daddy, don't hurt mommy. mommy, don't be mad."

you don't get to be mad when I hurt you

you don't get to raise your voice when I refuse to hear you

you don't get to be a priority or upset about not being one

in a relationship that it purely exists for partnership

I never fucking had a partner I always had another child

while raising children under a system of perfectionism

under men who said they loved me and then became their fathers

refused to see the dysfunction in their modeling

and I was the one who crawled bleeding out of the ruin every time

less than what I was when I began but determined to be more

yesterday I promised myself an entire day of self care

and I observed how often my mind tried to tell me

that I should be doing something productive for the family unit

the house was empty and it never is

and I never want it to be all the time

but the silence was literally euphoric

I knew there was not one soul who would need me

that I could let myself nap or draw and spend time in my journals

to listen to music and daydream about things that made me smile

every time I found myself feeling anxious for being so "selfish"

I would place my hand on my belly and breathe

remind my heart that everything was safe and I got to exist

just exactly how I was and there was no sin for it

and I had to do this multiple times to keep the flow

it reminds me just how much pressure had been put upon me

how deep the self-doubt was forced into my very skin

by the words of people who benefit from me

being fully detached from myself or sense of it

as I write this I feel my heart light completely on fire

bursting into a righteous flame that wants to destroy

the source of such filthy injustice and cruelty

I place my palm over it and breathe until it turns back to green

I'm now realizing just how many counterweights have been attached

to all of these emotions so that I've been forced to face them

I've been forced to doubt my own emotional good-nature

and then projected upon the coercive behavior patterns of others

all the while trying to meet all the needs of the household

physically and emotionally stimulated in negative ways

while my intellect was chronically devalued and dismissed

what an absolute shit of a situation

thank fuck the chapter is closing just like the lion's portal

does that mean I'm finally going to be stepping out of the cave?

I guess only I can be answer to that question

and I'll answer it with dynamite, a match, and a half sort of smile

and I am not singing a song you're gonna like at all

it makes him so angry when I laugh in his face at his delusions

oh, is this how it used to feel? the energy transfer?

you used to feed by punching me in the scars you told me

I needed to heal while denying your own past and reality

I hope everything I do in this next battle

feels like getting emotionally punched in the balls over and over

I absorbed all your tricks just so I can use them against you

I just enchanted them a bit so I can look good doing it

you did some bad things, baby, but I'm the worst of them

and I'll bet every time you say my name

and as the mother of your child you're gonna have to

when your mouth says my name it will create a storm

like the one you finally inspired inside me to rip off the hinges

of every damn door you tried to lock me behind with your arrogance

too bad you can't force someone to lose their intelligence

you can just create a toxic fog that keeps them in oblivion

but one of us isn't oblivious anymore and it happens to be

the one who spent her whole life in hell and the forest

and neither one particularly cares if you survive

and they always have someone to take care of the corpses

so let's get real about something, okay?

when I devoted myself and my little dragonlings

to your life and your name and your legacy

I enlisted and gave myself willingly and completely

that's how I do love and marriage and relationships

if my children are involved the stakes are highest

you can fuck with me but say your prayers if you fuck with my kids

and you always made sure to let me know much of a burden

having to do things or take care of them financially was to you

please understand this divorce will be

where you and my documented experience with you

is going to be judged and seen fully by the court

according to the laws of this fine country

and a professional advocate that is only in my corner

and not at all thinking about your opinions

or what you think is fair and your emotional immaturity shows

when you say I have to take my ex to court too

because I never made him pay child support

honey, your mother's enmeshment wound is showing

I don't have to do shit according to anything you want

especially when it comes to my agreements and relationships

I just want I deserve according to how you treated me

and I put it fully into the capable hands of the law

you're losing control of the narrative that you so clumsily

crafted in the thoughtless way you kind of do everything

you're starting to feel the fear, aren't you?

that's why you're sending me paragraphs of offers

also all my rabbits are fucking dead

so trying to send me videos of a rabbit doesn't help you

sometimes I think I'm most mad because now that I see you

really fucking look at you without the gleam of lost potential

I realize how twisted it is the way you use your intelligence

you are your grandfather's son

I am my granddaughter's daughter

your family raised poodles and mine raised dobermans

the winner of that area is pretty easy to predict

to think you can use the same shit you tore holes in me with

and somehow walk away unscathed after using

my dignity as something to walk all over with muddy shoes

and never once thinking to clean up after yourself

maybe your mother can actually teach you life skills

she seemed to have forgotten to while she was catering

constantly to your critical deaf dad who didn't learn

sign language so he didn't have to see what his neglect did

at least she could lash out at me like I was the problem

it's okay because being a scapegoat to a dysfunctional family

is exactly how I was brought up to be treated

I didn't know how to surround myself with people

who encourage me and show me an honest but positive mirror

but I'm learning how to do that now

I will not regress or pull up my drawbridge

when I feel like clawing my skin off and shutting everything down

I will commit more to my personal power

I will release my shame and release my fear daily

I took on a helluva lot from you

and now you can fucking have it back

I now have as much concern for your reputation

and the exposure of your flaws and faults

as you seemed to have for mine last summer

when you triangulated everyone you knew against me

just so you could feel like you were justified in your actions

the betrayal doesn't hurt anymore but it used to

after a couple days of solitude I am very aware of what I'm losing

and the liberty feels like the sky is brand fucking new

one of us is a very unreliable narrator

one of us is insulted when our behaviors are described objectively

one of us wouldn't know the definition of responsibility

if it didn't mean just having to get dressed and walk into an office

the queen can move everywhere on the board

you tend to move more like a pawn

so uncalculated and never thinking about your opponent

or the future and how it will all end up playing out

in fact, you only listened to me for something to use

to try and undermine me later with

and I fell for it because I trusted you

then I wanted to trust you to keep my kid in my life full time

and now I want this all to be over so I only have to deal with you

in texts that I get to decide when to answer to

which will be a real problem for you because incompetent urgency

seems to be your favorite language

when really it's a symptom of all things you're going to learn

and it's going to be very very painful for you

and it's nice knowing I don't have to be there for you

I blew up that ship like Iris in the Aenaeid

you still think of our relationship and the space we shared

as a place where you got to grow and be seen

I think of the space we share like a pool of acid

that I could only escape by singing in the shower

all diamonds are made with impossible pressure

and I'm glad I used it to hone some talents

you killed the woman you married and I burned her body

you look me in my eyes and see a person who no longer exists

that's really going to bite you in the ass

and while you're running around squealing

please pause just long enough to see me

press my fingertips to my lips and and then wave goodbye

as everything around us explodes

I'm not worried because I'm fireproof

and you made sure I have nothing to lose