#i think i will mostly hibernate today as i am going to do TWO social things tomorrow

[whentherewerebicycles]

somehow it’s noon already!! but it’s been a productive morning. in my earlier research i’d been so focused on their first-gen numbers i somehow missed or didn’t fully register the fact that fully 40% of this school’s incoming students each year are transfer students from two-year colleges, which is obviously !!! a specific student population with unique needs that i should be prepared to address in whatever presentation i put together! so i did some initial research and reading in the secondary literature + then also reached out to two former advisees who transferred from community colleges and always had a lot to say about the types of support structures they wished they’d had. they were v happy to help so i set up calls with them tomorrow and on wednesday so i can pick their brains on how to effectively engage & support transfer students in undergraduate research. i made a promise to myself earlier in the week that i would only do rabbithole-style research if it felt like the topics would’ve been fascinating to me even if i didn’t have this interview, but i actually DO find this question super interesting and it’s also a fun excuse to reconnect with former students i haven’t caught up with in a while.

also man i just feel really happy and so much more like myself when i’m in this mode. my brain is WORKING again! i’m overflowing again with thoughts and ideas! i do think that trying a job outside of academia was a valuable life experience for me... and i do realize that this particular job is not representative of ALL non-academic jobs (if i didn’t have such a difficult manager i might’ve been able to stick it out here a lot longer). but also: i feel like you gotta pay attention to what energizes you vs. drains you in this life! and i am so energized by teaching, mentoring, program design, and doing any kind of research on those topics. i also feel my heart LEAPING at the thought of being immersed in a university community again. it’s funny because i get all the petty academic politics stories from macky and i knoooow how difficult & prickly & impossible academics can be but idk! as far as lightly dysfunctional work environments go, i find this form of dysfunction familiar and comforting! and i feel like the joy of working with students is sufficient recompense for the at-times harrowing experience of working with other academics lol. i’m just ready to be back in a place that i love and i’m really excited about this school in particular.

i was rereading the job posting earlier this week and thinking about how much more work it’s going to be than my current barely-anything job, which i know will probably cut into my loooong leisurely walks and my hours-long cooking sessions and my ability to lie around in bed for hours every day. it’s been nice in some ways to have so much time to do non-work things and to really get myself into good routines with cooking/exercising/etc, but i just DO NOT THRIVE when i have too much unstructured time and i am really, really starved for the casual friendly daily social contact i got from my old job. i feel like too much unstructured time = more time wasted because the time doesn’t feel valuable to me.

and idk i need people time! i need relationships with others! i need it both in a social energy and in an intellectual way... like, my conversations with students and the interpersonal conflicts you have to navigate and the unexpected things that come up in a teaching/mentoring relationship provide so much grist for the ol’ reflective mill. i feel like part of the reason i’ve felt sooooo bored and so annoyingly self-absorbed the past six or seven months is that i just don’t have enough INPUT you know?? i need all those interactions to spark new ways of thinking about something or new ideas or new interests to research. otherwise i’m just stuck in my own head, endlessly turning over my small cares and petty little resentments, without anything to challenge me or push me out of myself or force me to recalibrate the way i’m viewing a situation. anyway idk it’s all good data! as i am always telling students even bad or meh experiences can teach you something useful about who you are & what you need to thrive!!

[bowieexaminprogress]

If Wtfock is starting this weekend or next one then why it's all so quiet and boring? I think you're all wrong on dates...why I'd everything starts with Sander birthday?

Wtfock drops hints with time stamps always 7-6 days before their start date. Also read back my anon where I explained how they announced their previous seasons. Now, they made a small move with the q&a story so people who are outside of the platforms like tumblr, Twitter, Reddit etc will get that something is moving. Twitter is dead since the beginning of season 4 basically, all the talks are happening in private, the tag is just a silent hill. IG was always based on people talking through dms. So it is pretty active but in a closed way that is not public. Reddit, Facebook are in full hibernation. They started waking up with wtfock posting about the q&a and questioning if the season is close. More In a way of “Oh wait, yes wtfock! I forgot about that. Is season 5 starting? Why are they doing a q&a?”. The only thing that is somewhat alive in an open, public way is tumblr. But the heartbeat is faint. Also as lacklustre as their social media might have been, the accounts are moving every two days max. So there is movement that is picked up by other platforms. The social media content is bad, really bad but there is movement comparing to before, I think we can all agree on that. We will probably see a post on April’s fool. I expect more things from the 3rd onwards as I explained in my previous anon, and if they decide to go for the 17th then from the 10th onwards.

Also please let’s not make the start of Yasmina’s season about everyone else but her. I think they have done that enough already. No Sander’s bday please. I love that dork and his SO (I mean look at my name for God’s sake) but like no.

My personal problem with Wtfock is that they have put so much effort in getting their plots out there and spoiling so much that they actually end up doing a disservice to the season and Yasmina. We talk about everyone else but her because they have given nothing from Yasmina’s side. Her insta account posts are not thought through. As none of their SoMe work is. They have no substance. Either stay absolutely silent and then drop a bomb like a trailer or a clip, as they did with wtfockdown and everyone was so so excited and glued in (mostly because we had no idea what was gonna happen. That’s how you keep engagement through anticipation not by spoiling your plots), or if you decide to actually slowly built up anticipation do it properly through amazing social media content of the characters and especially your main. As I said before I think Yasmina posting some stories from her home and even Elias appearing in one of them would have made the fandom excited the right way. It is a sunny day in Belgium today why not use it or think about that while you were on set with the actors all those weeks before. They need to invest more on reflecting were we find Yasmina now instead all the other things they have invested in so far. Even them shifting all the attention to the b squad instead of Yasmina is problematic in my eyes. Drop Younes comment on one of her posts about him arriving and being happy to see her in Belgium and make her respond to it. Her art, you know you gonna include that in her season why not start building it up now. It is Yasmina we need to crystallise as a character not the people around her. We will see the world through her eyes. Not the eyes of the b squad, Younes, g squad, Sander, Robbe etc. I am writing in a hurry and after a few cocktails but I hope you get my point here anon.

[sohmariku]

RIKU’S RANDOM LIFE: THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF... AUTISM?

Yesterday  What do I need to do today? Finish decorating the Christmas tree? Reminds me, I still need to by a Christmas stall. But the kitchen really needs to be cleaned too. It’s also about time I finish the Winter set-up of my nendoroids. Crap, I absolutely need to vacuum the house today! Laundry can wait another day,...can it?

*Proceeds to watch another episode of Avatar: the Last Airbender*

Thankfully I’ve managed to cross out most of the tasks I had to do by today, but the Christmas tree still lacks decorations and my nendoroids are still disorderly shoved on the shelves. Maybe tomorrow...?

(I came to come to the conclusion I still have dry laundry hanging on the clothesline... I estimate it’s been up there for about a week now.)

While my mind is usually in a state of “semi-organised chaos”, the last couple weeks it’s mostly been “pure chaos”. Due to an overload of responsibilities, birthday parties and other holiday-celebrating occasions, I can’t seem to keep up with even the most basic tasks. 

In short, I’m mentally exhausted and need a break.

Last time I blamed my kitten for the lack of progress on any subtitles, but... I’ve come to the realization it’s been not just that. The seemingly never-ending string of social responsibilities has drained away all my energy... to the point I could barely be bothered to eat breakfast some days. Of course my dumb-ass mind was too tired to realize what was going on and... Hello Meltdown Yesterday. 

In hindsight, I really should have skipped that birthday dinner party, but my boyfriend was already guilt tripping me into going, before I even could mention I didn’t want to go. His father would be so happy if I’d be there, he said. Mind you, I had completely forgotten about that party until my boyfriend called around 4PM telling me he was on the way home, so we’d surely get to the restaurant in time. That day was supposed to be MY DAY OFF! Because I could feel I had reached my limit. Nope, that evening is gone! Though I was literally on the verge of crying, I decided to push through, because his parents feel they don’t see me around enough already and gotta keep them happy, sorta.

The effect showed immediately, because it took me two days to even realize I had forgotten my scarf at the restaurant! And I only noticed, because I couldn’t find it when I forced myself to do the grocery shopping I absolutely didn’t feel like doing, because I was still recovering from said dinner party. Of course, as the responsible adult I am, I didn’t call the restaurant, but instead texted my boyfriend “I think I might have forgotten my scarf at the restaurant!” and prayed he’d solve the problem without me literally needing to ask him to make the call for me. Because if there’s anything I hate more than making phone calls, I hate making phone calls to admit I’m an absolute airhead who forgot her scarf! Thankfully he fixed it without me needing to spell it out word for word. Got my scarf back. 

But really, this whole debacle really shows how on-edge I was that evening. I clearly remember thinking to myself “don’t forget your scarf” and then came the waiter who handed me a little rubber duck. (because apparently every female customer gets one) And boom, I became a happy little penguin with my rubber duck. It was all I could focus on ad when people started to leave, I quickly waddled outside (after saying some painfully awkward goodbyes to people I don’t actually know, but who do know me) and totally forgot about the scarf. Until days later! But yes, I got it back.

(To add to that, I lost that same scarf again today but in the Garden center, because I was too focused on a text conversation on my phone. Took me a lot of courage and agonizing to ask the staff if anyone had found it. They did, I got it back. Also, when doing some grocery shopping last week, I forgot my empty shopping bag at the cashier. I didn’t go back to ask if anyone found it. I could get a new one for only 58 eurocents after all. Anyway, notice a trend?) 

If that wasn’t enough. The worst part is probably, I know I’m not out of the woods yet. Choir practice on Friday (20), Christmas Market Choir performance on Sunday (22), Christmas Evening Church Mass with choir on Tuesday (24),Christmas with family (parents/siblings) on Wednesday (25), Christmas with extended family (grandparents/uncles/aunts/cousins) on Thursday (26)... 

Somewhere in between all that I need to find time to properly clean my whole house (which hasn’t happened in forever), because I’ll be the one hosting the Christmas gathering on the 26th (It’s way too late to back out now...) and my aunts are already judging me enough as it is.I don’t need them to think I’m living like a pig. (It’s the first time they’ll see my house, so they’ll be sticking their noses everywhere most likely...) My house isn’t dirty per se, but it could definitely be cleaner.

And when you think the “suffering” finally ends... my boyfriend has a compulsory day off from work (27). So, I won’t get a fully quiet day until Monday (30). My plans for New Year’s Eve (31) are still unclear. But then my boyfriend has another compulsory day off  on New Year’s (1) and he also decided to take Thursday (2) and Friday (3) off too. Now my grandmother’s birthday is on the 7th, but she might very well be celebrating it on the 4th or 5th. Or the weekend after that (11-12). Plus in either of those weekends my boyfriend’s parents very much want to go out for dinner with us too...

In short, that means I’m not expecting any “true” down-time until well into January... And just that thought alone is enough to drain away the last bit of energy I had left and dread the rest of the month. 

Always love the holiday season... //hear the sarcasm// 

If it was up to me I’d go into hibernation and wake up somewhere in January.

---

Note: Though I have no official diagnosis (and not sure if I’ll ever pursue one), in hindsight, I’m pretty clearly on the Autistic Spectrum. It’s only been a year ago since I really came to this realization, I’m apparently pretty good at masking, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. My autism affects a great deal of my life. For one, any social interaction requires a lot of energy. It’s worse if I’m meeting with a large group of people. And even if I’m not in the same room, having another person in the house will somehow keep me on edge to a certain extent. I’m well aware that full schedules are exhausting to everyone, but to me they are “extra” exhausting. For example, it can take 2 full weeks to fully recover from a gathering with extended family. And when I’m in recovery, it’s very hard to do anything productive on a day. As I’m writing this, it sounds insane. And it doesn’t always happen, but it does happen and that’s extremely inconvenient. 

This post became a lot longer than I expected, but I guess it’s good to finally talk about this? Though part of me is feeling really anxious about it. How dare I claim to be autistic without an official diagnosis? It’s silly. My life is all about silly worries. This is just one of them. The anxiety is real. >< Guess I’d better just post this already... and then regret it all night... have trouble to fall asleep... while I dread the reactions people might have. Yes, that’s how my mind works. By morning I’ll realize I had nothing to fear, I hope... O.O;;

By the way, congrats if you made it all the way to the end of my rambling!

[athziri-gut-blog]

taylors version

its friday sept 12, taylor just re released RED. and amazing album, but one that took me a while to get into. mostly because i was a teenager who just agreed w everything i saw on social media. no thoughts, truly. Just a teen following along w the croup trying to appease society and pretending to be cool. Who would have thought that almost a decade later i would have had the worst and best year of my life and i would listen to all too well at six in the mrnng. 2020-21 has ben a year from hell. My house burned down two weeks before the us shut down bc of the panda. i lost my job. lived in a one bedroom with my mom and my sister. escaped an AR. rented a house. got my first so. got a new dog. learned some lessons. lived some life. Im not one to post much on social media. specially not one to express my likes and interest more than retweeting and liking posts from my interests. but today is a day where i cant help but want to show my appreciation for this album. it was extrmly well done. the promo, the easter eggs, the interviews. i caught myself tearing up just a bit ago thinking of how excited i am to re experience the other eras w new songs! i specially liked the relaxed feeling of this, bc i know im only going to love them more than i do. lovers got a brand new feeling for me knowing that ts gets to experience the peace and happiness that can come from relationships. it also makes me want to punch jake gynecologist. im sure hes going to go into hibernation for a while.. is it true that he dsnt shower// also, i really love how red switched a bit it sounds more pop which i can only hope is bc ts finally got to make it how she originally wanted it to be and not how big machine told her it should be. im so proud to be a swiftie and im so excited to see what else is to come. its officially t-minus 10 mins for the atw short film im abt to shit my pants and its not because of the cheese i ate lol. i fell like i rambled on and on enough but i cant wait for whats next to come. (hopefully a tour) allllll of my love athziri

[whatmyheartsaw]

What My Heart Did Chapter 5, Episode 3

Thawing from Below

Present Writing always seems to get harder for a time once I uncover a new element of deeply embedded truth. Since all the discoveries about my grandfather’s murder trial and how that trauma has passed down through the generations, I’ve been numb to the stories that until now have been so important to recovery. Nearly a year has passed. My mother died in January, and my father is in a nursing home. It’s almost as if my mind and body have needed to put all the facts of my ancestry aside and place any realizations into hibernation or a dormant state until I am able to adjust and understand.

Spring is slowly unfolding again in the Shenandoah Valley. As I watch the bulbs burst from the ground and the leaves and blossoms timidly emerge from the barren limbs of flowering trees and oaks, I think back to winter’s rough hand. How do trees and plants weather ice storms, snow cover, and frozen ground to faithfully reemerge each spring? What is their defense against the difficulties they are handed each and every season?  

So, like any curious gardener or naturalist would do, I looked it up. I wanted to remind myself of the process I probably learned in 7th grade, and maybe glean some insight into how we as humans can be more resilient. I found an explanation by Gary Watson, head researcher from The Morton Arboretum in Illinois that struck me.

“Plants from climates with cold winters have evolved to survive winter by going dormant. That means not just dropping leaves and slowing or stopping growth, but also reducing the amount of water in branch and root tissues. The lowered concentration of water in a plant's tissue acts like a natural antifreeze: It means it takes deeper cold to form ice inside them.”

"There's always warmth in the earth," Watson says. "The soil may be freezing from the surface, but it's always thawing from below."

Throughout the winter, he says, plants are adapting constantly to the changes. The biggest danger to plants is a sudden deep freeze. "As long as they have time to adjust, they're OK," he says. "It's when change happens suddenly that it can cause trouble."

As I let that description of how plants adapt to the challenges of winter sink in, the correlation to my own life emerges. “There’s always warmth in the earth,” throbs in my heart like a drumbeat.  

2014-2017 Dismantling my “busyness” took some time to settle into. First it required shutting down one business, stepping down from a non-profit board, and figuring out how to be more present with a family that was 750 miles away. The road was a bit bumpy to say the least. I considered moving closer to my family, but given my business was just starting to earn me a decent living, I didn’t think about that long. So instead I traveled and tried to keep up with the work on the road. I quickly saw that if I was going to eventually relocate, I would need to reposition my business in the new town. And while I wasn’t technically opening a “new” business, the expansion to a new market wasn’t much different. For two years I shuttled back and forth between Virginia and Florida, networking, teaching classes, and taking on new clients in both locations. Busyness took on a whole new meaning. But I rationalized the effort was “focused.”

Soon there was a second grandchild on the way. As rewarding as it was to spend time with my new granddaughter and anticipate the arrival of #2, the trips were exhausting and expensive for someone chronically ill and financially strapped. Despite my efforts towards self-care, in addition to the bouts of fibromyalgia and gastrointestinal maladies, I caught more bugs that lasted longer and had less and less energy for other parts of my life.  Friends and social activities were infrequent, and I dragged myself from task to task with a gritty determination that held my fractured pieces together like glue drizzled over a pile of straw. I knew I was hanging by a thread, but the realizations of how family trauma is passed on and my intuition about how to stop the cycle kept me driving forward. I couldn’t undo what had happened to me, but I might be able to contribute to greater understanding, support, and love in subsequent generations. Quitting wasn’t an option.

What I didn’t realize was how fragile my recovery still was. Spring and summer turned to fall, and the stones I thought I was turning to reveal a saner life just uncovered another cloudy puddle of fear. Being part of the more animated, vocal family that my son married into set off all kinds of triggers. I had to practice boundary setting again and again in order to keep myself from splitting apart, and I wasn’t sure anyone understood my challeges. More intimate contact with other people’s unhappiness and passionate disagreements reminded me just how ill-equipped I was to be a grounding force within a family. Despite how far I’d come, I had a long way to go.

By early 2017 I found myself dismantling again, but in a much more dramatic way. During a trip the previous fall where I met with multiple clients, did the whole family fall activities thing, and tried to fit a visit with a friend from high school into the mix, I literally went blind. I was fighting off yet another cold, and prior to an early flight out, had booked a room at a small lake resort near the airport hoping to get some much needed recovery time. When I arrived at the hotel, I noticed my eyes were tired and cloudy, but went about having dinner and enjoying some time by the water watching the sun set. By the time I went to bed, my eyes were quite bloodshot and red, but I passed it off as fatigue and decided a good night’s rest would help.

In the morning my eyes were glued completely shut. Somewhere I had contracted a nasty case of conjunctivitis. How was I going to get my rental car back to the airport and catch my flight? I felt my way to the sink to bathe my eyes. Warm water helped, but I looked a fright and there was no time to make other arrangements. So, like every other time in my life when the going got tough, I went. Donned my sunglasses, loaded up my bags, and got safely to the airport, on the plane, and home from the airport without incident, all the while conscious of not spreading the horrific eye crud to anyone else. 

But the pink eye did me in. Despite my careful attempts to manage the infection, it moved from one eye to the other and back. Even with treatment, I was unable to see for several weeks, and stumbled through limited work. Three eye doctors and several months later, I was left with a twitch and a clue that perhaps I wasn’t seeing my life clearly. By May I had shut down the Florida business operation and was regrouping once again, wondering if I would ever find my way out of the fog of trauma. The frustration of never quite finding the path to healing was driving me mad.  

Present Today I woke to a cool spring morning, Easter in fact, and the metaphor of resurrection isn’t lost on me. I noticed the oak tree that groaned and shattered so violently during the winter’s first ice storm has, in spite of its scarred limbs, begun to rise to spring’s call with a splash of brilliant green.  

I feel as though I’ve risen from the dead more times than most people could fathom, but these old trees give me pause. The season has turned again, and I’m cautiously optimistic that I can too.

Holidays bring mostly painful memories for me – but this Easter I’m focused on the fun parts that did and do exist. The waking to eggs hidden in the house. An Easter basket and a new dress or shoes for church. A new tradition of funny bunny ear photos. 

And as I relive and enjoy the good parts, I see that the legacy of childhood abuse and how it passes down through generations is a lot like the hardness of winter. Just when we think we’ve recovered and created eternal summer in our hearts - just when we think the storm has passed - winter comes around again in a blinding snowstorm or coating of ice, freezing the soil and forcing us into hibernation. And each time the winter of our pain recurs, it’s easy to despair and believe the ravages of those traumas will never heal. But remembering there’s always warmth in the earth, thawing us from below, can help us keep going. Accepting we may never “heal,” just like accepting that winter will come again, is a sweet surrender to a truth that can settle the restless heart of a trauma survivor.  Somehow, even through generations of all kinds of human trauma and pain, just like plants, we too can wake from difficulties of winter and rise again to a new season. And perhaps that’s all the healing we really need. 

Read previous episodes of What My Heart Did HERE.     

[ilonavic]

25 Q/A Personality Tag

A dear friend of mine asked me to do this tag myself after I wrote this a while ago for my lovely friends here on Tumblr, thanks to the post by @annarieta regarding this tag, it gave me a little courage to do it. (I actually think there are many scary questions, I don’t like the idea of revealing it to just about anybody.) RULES: Tag people you want to get to know better.

1. Are you introverted or extroverted? I’m very introverted. I can go weeks on my own, without needing company or social stimulation. 

2. Are you ruled by emotions or logic? I reason from a point of logic, but ultimately make decisions based of what I feel will make everyone the happiest. 

3. What is your happiest memory? Like many others have said already, which was a bit surprising to read, I don’t recall many outstanding happy memories. Like @annarieta said, it’s the small things mostly. But I remember happy car rides with my best friend where we sang (screamed) to music, and traveling to the Vatican City with my classmates. Even if the company wasn’t necessarily good all the time, that place really made me happy. It was so beautiful. 

4. What is your saddest memory? Nowadays, every winter, I go into a state of hibernation really. It’s very dark here during the winter, we have about 5 hours of sunlight everyday. It’s cold, it’s dark and murky. It makes me very depressed. But um. The day I lost my best friend is a terrible memory. We were friends for 8 years and I’ve missed her very much for 3 years since. 

5. In what kind of world would you rather live in? I’d love to live in an Elven world. I love the architecture, I love the purple/blue/mystic gloom of the places. The nature, rivers are very beautiful. Where people cherished art, music, writing, love, beauty etc, and no one cared a wit for politics, cruelty or had any desire to forbid people from being different or happy. 

6. What is your favorite video game? The Witcher, Skyrim and BioShock are my babies. 

7. What is your biggest fear for yourself? Being hated by people. 

8. What is your biggest wish for yourself? To be a happy little hermit =) In a beautiful place where I can write stories, paint and be surrounded by 20 dogs.

9. What fictional character do you relate to the most?  Queen Freya from The Huntsman (she’s my avatar for a reason guuuuuuys). Wait, let me explain, haha. She’s portrayed as a complex evil character. I don’t consider myself to be evil, nor do I consider myself to be purely good either. I can relate to her character process. Alike her, I was very trusting and happy when I was little, I was truly a little sunshine. But like with so many of us, life happens, and then life happens again, and I became... well, a different person really. Like her, I often feel misunderstood and isolated. But I also cherish loyalty above all, and shun love away from me (I also freaking love ice and snow). I think love is beautiful when I see it with other people, but I could never love like that myself, somewhere it’s hardwired in my brain in a twisted way that love is a weakness and can be used to manipulate and harm me. Heartache and emotional suffering is something I'm terrified of (you know, when you can physically feel pain in your chest), and I can’t handle it anymore. So I don’t feel romantic desire towards people anymore, I think I’ve... removed it?  

10. If you could become anything, without any education or demands, what would you choose as your profession? Author or an actress.

11. Do you have any siblings? Two brothers and one sister. I’m the second youngest. 

12. Have you ever wanted to injure someone? When I was bullied, I wanted to injure the people who hurt me all the time, but I never actually did it. 

13. Have you ever wanted to help someone, but didn’t? Yes, but I always try to do the best I can to help someone, even if I don’t know the person. It doesn’t matter, I’ll happily embarrass myself to help someone in need. 

14. What makes you angry? Bullies, homophobes, racists, sexists, rapists, murderers, especially animal abusers can fuck off right to hell. 

15. What makes you happy? My precious jewel, doggy.<3 Also, traveling and airplanes is a joy. Museums, exploring new places, yeah. Fun fun. 

16. Would you rather beat up a small child once - or get beaten up by an angry man every single day for the rest of your life? I don’t want to beat up anybody, so bring me the man. Maybe I’d get really psychologically twisted and Stockholm Syndrome would set in so I’d start to like it lol. 

17. What places would you visit today if you could? Ireland! Scotland! England! Just because @lithiumgrayangel showed me how beautiful Sevilla is, I wanna visit Sevilla one day. But of course, beautiful Italy (Rome is stunning), Venice again, Russia (possibly Moscow), FRANCE! Finland, Norway and Iceland are beautiful too. Also Warsaw, UK and US. And Budapest. And New Zeeland, Canada, Australia... Gosh I wanna go everywhere, I can’t pick one!

18. Do you want children? Why? If not, why not? To be honest, it will depend on what situation I am in. Did I, against all odds, found a person who wants children? Then yes, in a stable household and in happy relationship, I’d consider having one or two, no more. But... Right now, that future is looking very bleak. And if I end up with someone who don’t want children, then I won’t have children. Just get a dog instead, they’re less fussy.  

19. Did you have a happy childhood? It’s a bit complicated. When I was young, I did have a happy childhood, but my father was also abusive back then. He calmed down once I became a teenager, and then the bullying started, and when the bullying stopped, my dad became sick. And my mother has basically been hysterical and wacky my entire life so. But um, to be honest. I had friends, a roof over my head, food on the table. I got nothing to complain about. 

20. Have you ever done drugs? If you have, would you do it again? I’ve been offered, but I’ve never been interested and nor will I be. I know a couple of people who just smokes pipe and marijuana in front of me? I think it’s odd but. I try not to judge, and it’s not my business. 

21. Would you rather become a child again, possessing all the knowledge you have today, or become middle-aged, with 45 000 000 € on your bank account? I’d become a child again, start my life over, and be twice as intelligent. Could be like a scientist or something. 

22. If you could become any existing famous person in the world - who would you be and why? I admire Lana del Rey a lot, but I wouldn’t want to be any celebrity. Unless I can become someone really powerful and change the world. Like Donald Trump and resign as the president so someone more capable can take over. 

23. Are your parents married or divorced? They’re divorced, but sadly live together still. It’s a stupid decision, but I reckon my father wouldn’t last a day on his own, and my mother must be addicted to misery. 

24. Where do you see yourself in the future? An author, hopefully. Making a positive change, helping people, having meaningful friends in my life, living in a beautiful place surrounded by nature and animals. :) 

25. If you’d like, a question of your own here. Mine is directed to my fellow Witcher lovers; Who and Why?

For friendly purposes, Regis or Cirilla?  I like Ciri, and I can understand why people would choose her, she seems like she would be a lovely friend. But ultimately, I’d have so much to discuss with Regis. I feel like, without being self-absorbed or... delusional in any way, I have some things in common with him. We’re too loyal, we fight for people who don’t cherish our love or advice and we both like discussing philosophical topics with loooooooong sentences (as you’ve probably noticed by now). I’d feel so good in his company, he’s a lovely lovely man. 

For romantic purposes, Dettlaff or Avallac’h? My darling Avallac’h, I know there are so many people who misunderstands him, confuses his intelligence for arrogance. People call him horrible things. To be honest, I don’t have too much against Dettlaff though, I like him, and I love his complex nature. But of course, I’d never pick anyone over Avallac’h. He’s brilliant, and I would love to discover a million new worlds with him. (ps. marry me have my babies)

As your co-worker, Caranthir or Geralt? Caranthir would be a brilliant colleague, though Geralt is probably more lovable, Caranthir is intelligent. He’d help me with my tasks and I’d sit there gazing into his eyes and not hearing a word he’s saying. ♥‿♥ (true story, I often drift away when people talk to me)

As your boss, Eredin or Ge’els? I don’t know, he feels more attainable than Ge’els do. Ge’els is just da boss, he’d rule over me, I’d always feel incredible stupid and inferior around him. But Eredin is kinda wacky, but I love him, but he’s a silly goose so I’d just try to befriend him to eventually marry him so we could rule the galaxy together. 

As your best friend, Yennefer or Shani? Yennefer, my oh my, I’ve been in love with her since the first time I saw her. She’s INTELLIGENT AND INTELLIGENCE IS SEXY ASF. Shani, you cool too but. Meh, I think her character is a bit boring. There’s not much interesting about her that makes her stand out? She’s not really complex either? She’s just... idk... pretty and stuff. Redhead and stuff. (sorry @vaporeox dont kill me)

As your ally, Vernon Roche or Anna Henrietta? Nah nah, always Roche, I love that man immensely. I’d marry him too. I’d marry everyone. 

As your worst enemy, Triss or Dandelion? I don’t really like Triss that much. What she did to Yennefer has ruined her in my eyes.

Tagging: I’ve already tagged people for this tag, but I would like to tag some of my lovely followers who haven’t been tagged in this, tho I can’t possibly tag all of you, I’m sorry about that: @blackeasteagle @everydayzer0es @spooky-cowfish @dovahkiin-deathbat @shadanakara @i-am-the-sword-in-the-darkness @o-moonyue-o @heroesneverdiie @blohandrum @rosiesuzuya and anyone else who wants to do it - you can write you were tagged by me. ❤

[ficdirectory]

Disuphere (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 35

CHAPTER 35

THEN

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Missing: 4 months and 30 days

Josh was pretty sure he was the only kid in his class who had two first days of fourth grade.  It felt weird starting at a new school at the end of November.  (It felt like he had been Gone for years.)  All the other kids knew each other, and the rules.  Josh knew nobody.  And nobody knew him.

His teacher, Mrs. Lutz, did not like him because Josh had a hard time paying attention.  The first day, it was okay, but after that, she lost her patience and made him stand in the corner.  The boys in the back of the class noticed.  They didn’t like the teacher, either.  Josh made friends.

That winter, Josh got hurt in gym.  Another kid smacked him in the chin with his plastic floor hockey stick.  He kept playing until the girls in class screamed.  Josh froze.  There was blood on the floor.  On his shirt.

At the nurse’s office, she gave him ice and paper towels and she made him change his shirt.  He went into the bathroom for privacy.  Came out in a shirt way too big.  It had short sleeves.  It showed his skinny arms.  The marks on his wrists.

“What happened here?” she asked, concerned.

His heart pounded.

Josh took a deep breath.  He had to make her believe:

“Um...well...I just got adopted, and my family before this...they weren’t very nice to me,” Josh muttered, looking at his hands.

His voice got thick.  His eyes stung.  (Could hear Him in his head: “Tears.  Nice touch.”)  But he was really crying about the Fosters.  Because they were the family that never hurt him, not the one that did.  This was just what he used to say when kids asked why he lived with Stef and Lena.  And where were his real parents.

It was true but it wasn’t true.  And the lie made him feel like a horrible person.

“Oh.  I’m so sorry to hear that.  Nobody’s hurting you now, are they?”

Josh looked around.  Shook his head.  No one was hurting him right now.  He shut his tears off.

“No.”

“Do you need to go home?  I can call your parents.”

(Yes.)

Josh could see it in her eyes.  How bad she felt for him.  How much she wanted to help him feel safe by getting him back to someone who loved him.  Josh wanted that, too, more than anything.  But His words echoed in Josh’s head - the same ones every morning - before he got out of the car:

(“If you say anything, and I get a call about it?  Guaranteed, I’ll talk myself out of it.  Then?  You’re back home with me.  No time flat.  No one will believe you.”)

So, instead, he breathed deep.  “No.  I’m okay.  I don’t want to miss recess.”  His chin had stopped bleeding, so she let him go.  Halfway to the door, he turned to look at her:

“Thank you for helping me,” he said, and closed the door behind himself.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Missing: 1 year, 3 months and 29 days

When Josh came back to school the day after winter break ended in fifth grade, his eyes watered all the time.  It was annoying because everybody thought he was crying.  Really, his eyes had to readjust after another week in the pitch-black basement.  His eyes still were sensitive to light.

There was a word for it.  Photo-something.  (He made Josh practice it a million times, but he still forgot.  It kept getting mixed up with failure to thrive - the excuse He gave for Josh’s puny weight.)

Josh counted down the hours to lunch, resting his head on his desk.  Tiredness could do a lot of stuff, but Josh didn’t know it could make you feel sick, like throwing up, or sick in the head.  He missed having a bedtime.  A room that was just his.  He missed not having to pretend all the damn time.

“Looks like somebody still thinks it’s winter break…” Mrs. Smith said, teasing gently.  She put a hand on Josh’s shoulder and he reluctantly sat up.  Tried to wipe his eyes so he didn’t look like a total baby.  

Mrs. Smith got down next to him, speaking quietly.  “Is something wrong?” she asked.

Josh’s brain stalled.  What wasn’t wrong?  Even though he got to sleep in his own bed every night since Christmas, he still felt tired from the week Down There with no sleep and not enough food and water.  Even though he had food and water now, he was always worried about it.  And that meant he couldn’t focus in school.

“I have Failure.  And Photosynthesis,” Josh said softly, but kids still heard and snickered.

“Hey!  Josh’s a plant!” they cackled.

(“It’s photophobia, dumbass…” His voice said in Josh’s head.)

Mrs. Smith shushed the kids and turned again to Josh.  She was so nice.  She reminded Josh of Mama.  (So did the school nurse and everybody nice that was a teacher.  The cop at their school did not remind him of Mom, though.  He was too mean.)

“The light hurts my eyes,” he said.  “Can I have sunglasses?”

“Nope.  Sorry.  No sunglasses in school.  But we can turn off the lights in a bit when we watch our movie for Social Studies.  Deal?”

“Okay,” he managed.

“You sure you’re okay?  You weren’t hibernating in a cave, over break, were you?”  Her eyes sparkled with the joke, but Josh could also see she cared.

“I actually didn’t get that much sleep…” he admitted.  Being so tired made him dumber.  It made him say more than he was supposed to.  Josh pressed his lips together.

“Too much fun?” she guessed.  She didn’t wait for an answer, just patted his arm and said:  “Get some sleep tonight, okay?”

“Yeah,” Josh nodded.

But he knew sleep was never guaranteed.  If it came, or when it came, that stuff was never up to Josh.  It was up to Him.  Josh’s job was to do whatever He said, whenever He said, otherwise He might not need Josh anymore.

Otherwise, He might get Mariana instead.

Missing: 2 years and 1 day

Journal Entry #2 Tuesday September 8, 2009

My name is Josh Mitchell.  I live with my dad.  I dont have brothers or sisters.  Its just me and him. I am in 6th grade and I can’t belive it.  It is hard in middle school.  There are to many classes and not much time to get to them.  I like jim class, but some times i am soar from growing pains and i have to sit out.  My favorite thing is sports and video games.  

Josh

Missing: 2 years and 5 days

Journal Entry #7 Saturday September 12, 2009 DONT READ

I hate this.  I really really really really really really really hate it.  I wish stuff was so different.  I wish Dad respected me more.  I wish I had a mom some times.  I think it would be nicer to have a mom.  The weekends are the hardest.  Beacuse he is always home and bugging me to do stuff and I dont want to I just want to be alone and watch TV.  He doesnt care about me one bit.  I think if I ever get to grow up and be a dad i will be different.  I will respect my son and not be mean to him.

Josh

Missing: 2 years, 3 months and 16 days

What am I Haiku #4 Wednesday December 23, 2009 DON’T READ

Deep inside the dark

I wait for someone to come

But they can’t save me.

Missing: 2 years, 3 months and 30 days

Journal entry #1 Wednesday January 6, 2010

Dads family came to visit at the break.  It was nice to see everyone.  I got presents like video games and a bike and clothes.  I ate tons of food and got so stuffed I almost got sick.  It was the best.  My cousin is still here.  It’s K.A. to have someone to hang out with other then Dad.  (No offence Dad.)  - Josh

Missing 2 years, 5 months and 26 days

Journal entry #1 Friday March 5, 2010

Today’s my birthday.  I’m 12.  I want to stay home but Dad says we should celebrate.  Said “How about a movie?”  So, we’re going but I feel super bad.  First, the only thing playing is Alice in Wonderland.  Boring.  (And CREEPY, am I right?)  Mostly I feel bad that my cousin can’t come with us.  It is such a bummer going to a movie I don’t want to see, without even my cousin there to mock it.  Oh well.  I’ll have to remember the dumb parts extra so I can tell him later. - Josh

Missing: 2 years, 8 months and 10 days

Journal entry #3 Monday May 17, 2010

Gotta give a happy birthday shoutout to my bestie, as the girls say.  Hope I can see you soon. - Josh

Missing: 2 years and 9 months

Journal entry Monday June 7, 2010

I can’t believe 6th grade is over tommorrow.  I use to think rating in a notebook was dumb but its not that bad to keep a journal.  I mite keep it going this summer to see how long I can make it.  Thanks for the idea Mrs. A.  I won’t miss being a baby 6th grader but I will miss you. Bye.  Josh

[finsterhund]

I had a really good dream.

This family group was clearing out their grandparents old house in the forest and they're hunter by an alien cephalopod thing that was hibernating in the "old part of the house's” basement. (,Basically they were exclusively staying in the newer addition part of the house. The rest had already been cleared out years ago when the grandma died and that part of the house was creepy so the grandma in her last years, and later the family, were only occupying the new part. It was like some sort of manor almost. Big fancy old house.) Meanwhile there's two other groups that have been doing things in the forest. Only two from group 2 survive, and only four from group 3.

The house group 1 think it's paranormal at first but as they're fleeing the house they're pursued, and their car is crashed, by the creature.

When they're escaping the creature on foot they are separated and it turns out there's more of them. They encounter a second. The things are territorial and competitive so they split them up and kill off some of them.

One of the survivors tries to get the two other groups together and the two survivors from group 2 had the same idea and find the survivors from group 3 while looking for group 1.

They are all trying to head out to leave the forest. Group 1 realizes the town closest to them is deserted and the only way to get to civilization from there is either through the mountains, impossible without the van, or through the forest. So everyone goes through the forest. I think the town plot may have happened before the car gets crashed.

Eventually the survivors from group 2 and 3 get mostly picked off until two survivors from each are left and they cross paths with one of the separated survivors from group 1. By the end there's only the one survivor from group 1 and another from one of the other groups left who made it. There's two endings one where it's revealed that these things have invaded the world and they are quickly killed after getting to civilization. (Implying they're alien) The second ending is where the things can't survive the winter and it's revealed they're distantly related to an elusive species that lives in the Mariana trench.

After ending 2 there's a short "I wanted to go back to this dream when I was starting to wake up so it's semi lucid" sequel where the two survivors after a year or so later have to deal with the creatures again and it's revealed that they are smarter than previously assumed and adapted to survive the snow.

The creatures are pretty much only big enough to hunt humans. Megafauna/larger animals can hold their own and are thus dangerous. They may hunt humans specifically for fun though. Wasn’t established.

At one point one of them is chased off by a mountain lion.

It was an extremely good dream. This write up isn't giving it justice.

All in all after sleeping with depression for all of today and being completely miserable and isolating myself from social media all day because everyone including my friend's kept talking about the dang holiday. I don't resent my friends for checking up on me/sending me well wishes. I am just suffering from what has proven this year to be a new trigger on account of Zippy's death blah blah blah Andy you've already told them.

At least I have one positive. A very cool dream. Wish I was able to write and wasn't emotionally destroyed from writing due to people so that I could just write some stuff.

This wasn't anything HoD. But it's still pretty cool. If it's still in my brain I may try to sketch what the monsters looked like. They had a massive thin long spike for a beak and a eyesockets like skull like hard head shape that made them look eldritch almost. I think they could stiffen their tentacles (or had a few that stayed that way) that they used to run like spiders. I think they could have had them run hydraulic tubes through them for this purpose like what spiders have naturally. In short these things really did function like horse-sized cephalopods that adapted to live on land (and in the trees. These fuckers absolutely could climb and leap)

[kindabraveandlittlestupid]

This is a moral/political concept I been thinking about recently. It’s been in my head for some time and I am not sure if its something I carried over from a philosophy or sociology book I read in the past or an original thought of my own. Likely the former over the latter but I think my argument is sound none the less and wanted to pose it to anyone who comes across these writings during your adventures on the web. Feel free to let me know what you think.

The Intent - Harm - Remorse concept is supposed to be a lens for social statements made by politicians, social figures or even people in your life could be measured. I consider it one of the most important rules of discourse I created for myself in regards to handling anyone in my life or how I handle statements from famous individuals. There are caveats I will get into later which might be important to reflect on but let’s start with the broader concept.

General Concept Any inflammatory statement from the lips of a President, tweet from a celebrity or the joke from a friend in a bar should be measured by three basic steps to dictate how you should react to their statement (in my opinion). The first is always to measure their Intent which is the how or why they are saying this thing. Intent can range from general ignorance, misunderstanding, statement of belief, or even humor. It’s hard to measure which of these is really what was going thru their head but almost always the default escape from the burden of intent is to say it was a joke. Humor serves an important purpose in society but it often acts as an “emergency exit” or social scapegoat for some pretty fucked up comments made by political figures.

The next step is Harm this is also hard to measure and should always be reflective of what is most likely the persons intent. It is impossible these days to say any statement without some group or individual taking offense. This is true for both for Men and Women, Left and Right, Gay or Straight, and literally every other social group you might have. I know the word Snowflake is thrown around a lot these days but the truth is no one is above the sting of a sharp statement (EVERYONE is a ‘Snowflake’). Even if you agree with someone’s beliefs and views they might say something that cuts at you personally for fitting into a different group. The statement that “White Males are the problem” cuts at me personally because I am both white and male but I certainly don’t see myself as the problem. I can take offense to that comment or I can recognize that most people who say that aren’t harping on ALL white males but rather the power structure of modern society which is mostly well old white men. This is just one way of measuring harm but it’s important to be reflective of what is being said and why (intent).

The last step is Remorse. If upon examining a statement if we find their intent came from a place of ignorance, prejudice or even immoral belief with a measured harm to a person or people then it is not unfair to demand an apology. We are all accountable for what we say and what we believe. Remorse is a hard thing to come by as there a handful of modern options to feign remorse and make people believe it is authentic. There is the Public Statement often well-orchestrated letter read from a podium to a dozen cameras often favored by Politicians, the Hibernation in which that person disappears to resort to ‘receive help’ but it is really keeping their head down until social attention shifts elsewhere, or Denial which is becoming a quick favorite for the Trump Administration which suggests whatever evidence you have is wrong or never happened. Truth is we decide if that remorse is authentic or not. There are people who have said things that were misinterpreted and had no real harm factor but they still decided to make the step to apologize and clarify their views. This step is essential for discourse as forgiveness for honest/sincere apologies is needed for reconciliation. We have all said things in anger, misunderstanding or falsely held beliefs but recognizing that we have done wrong and being remorseful of those things should be an avenue back into society.

Reflection on Progressives and Conservatives Believe it or not, both sides fail at recognizing one of the first two steps for different reasons which has lead to some of the tribalism we see today. It should be noted I tend to lean strongly into the progressive side of politics which I feel gives me some license to be critical of the PC Culture which has their heart in the right place but poorly executed in their outrage (occasionally).

The Progressive and PC Culture have started to skip step one, which is Intent and solely focus their attention on step two, Harm. This is why we started to see some social attacks on comedians who often fringe on edgy subjects and are attacked by Progressives for not adhering to these new standards. By ignoring intent we skip over important concepts like discourse, humor, social narratives or even practicality of statements. An example away from comedy is the reaction to Amazons of the Justice League Movies having less armor on during the movie which resulted in an outcry that it was sexualization of women. Upon response those Amazon actresses pointed out A) they liked the armor B) allowed them to be more comfortable while riding horses and performing stunts C) the director was nothing boy respectful to them even with the wardrobe change. It was a skipping the intent going straight to ‘harm’ which is why the conservatives like to point out we cry foul when there was none which they aren’t wrong in those specific cases.

The Conservative and emerging Alt Right Culture fail at recognizing intent, harm, and remorse in their own unique way. Collectively I have noticed two things that make them fail at public discourse. The first is letting the narrative of intent be dictated by individuals who were usually stating beliefs and not humor. The second is a complete disregard to harm UNLESS it affects them specifically. Progressives have a deeper level of empathy these days and are able to put ourselves in the shoes of other people who do not share our culture, gender, sexuality or ethnicity. Which sadly leaves many Conservatives on a low road where decency isn’t a feature of the Republican Party. Trump (as an easy example) has said things about Mexican Immigrants, Gold Star Families, Women, African Americans, and Veterans over the past two years. Each time those two failings appeared after his remark in the Conservative Base. In regards to the intent, they simply say he was joking and in regards to the harm they simply didn’t care his comments marginalized vast groups of people.

You might have noted that remorse was not listed above for Conservatives or Progressives but the truth it both groups fail in the same way on this last aspect. We tend to be only forgiving to those who on ‘our side’ and less forgiving to individuals who are apart from us. I am no different in the sense that if two men said the same horrible thing I am likely to forgive a liberal over a conservative. Its something I am working on and it’s important we try to remain fair, we either forgive both or neither. I have always been an advocate of forgiveness, so long as it’s authentic and there is a real change in the narrative in regards to that offending individual then forgiveness should be available to them.

Caveats While the Intent - Harm - Remorse is a good foundation for measuring public statements or poorly executed jokes. There are other ‘tools’ to help us cut to the core of intent and the harm its caused. The first I might point out is Repetition of Rhetoric which is a good indicator that something might be going on beneath the surface of a person’s views. The use of “Just Kidding” works only for so long before it loses merit and the veil of humor can erode rather fast if you’re not careful. If a stand-up comedian says she loves African Americans but her whole set is about how she is afraid of black men, no matter how much of a laugh she might get for jokes it is not unreasonable to walk away from the experience and feel like something more is going on in her beliefs. Another measure for politicians is Policy; this caveat is easier to measure as if you want to know what a politician really thinks then look at the laws he or she passes. Using Donald Trump again he claims that he fights for low/middle-class workers but his tax plan gives them a small boost in what their tax return while removing child care programs/maternity/healthcare/after school for kids/etc which adds up for way more than what they see on their tax return. A policy is an excellent caveat for finding those offenders who often fall beliefs instead of the rhetoric they display to the public. Closing Using the words of Jim Jefferies “We can all do a little better” and I think it starts by measuring the intent, harm, and remorse by our public figures, friends, family, community and even ourselves. I love to hear your thoughts if you have them.

Regards Michael California