#i pray it wont be like the december one

[lycanthian]

in a weird emotion rn

[antisocialgaycat]

quite interesting how someone ive never met and probably never will meet knows me better than anyone else

[absolutebitchgetter]

The problems of CS. Combined in one.

Since the CS ninjas are onto me, i shant give up. You will forever hear the tunes of the rumours of ABG'S unbanning.

Heres all the CS posts i can find:

All of this might share the same topic, and thats a feature of how Comic Studio doesnt - or probably will never - fix its problems. Insane. I know. However, why am i not giving up if we cant fix it?

To save people's sanity.

Im trying to get unbanned so i can prove i am trying to become a better person, and save people's mental health by pointing out thr flaws in:

-moderation

-people

-studios

-controversy

-kids

Its honestly pretty scary how kids are exposed to Jayst- i mean the toxicity of comic studio, and also how the experienced CS users are saying its worse than fucking Twitter.

Where can i begin with the fucking moderation? Where were they when i was getting banned? One is treated like an angel after the fucking outrageous calls he does. How long was i banned? 8 months? Yes. 8 Fucking Months. Above Half a year. One has literally made DOXXING JOKES TO ME and made me fear for my life. One in the cs discord takes someone elses side when i ask for a spoiler for Binding of Isaac (a pretty scary game). One is just fucking horrible at moderation. And one is probably biased after i did a few too many pings in a server. A server i owned btw, no one stopped me. You know who you are. :)

To name a few very shit studios,

-Probably fucking most of them

Probably 10% of the studios get used.

And a lot of them are just fucking shit.

We have a fucking NICK JR studio for like 2 YEAR OLDS.

When is there a fucking Despicable Me comic studio?

To name types of people:

Suspected pedophiles

probably pedophiles

pedophiles

nazis

racists

homophobes

transphobes

xenophobes

sexists

anti semetic

Jokes aside tho there are lot of people i named that are actually one of the things above. There are also lots of fucking toxic people.

To my next point

popular beats all apparently

If your popular, dont fear of being banned! You fucking wont be!

I can name, a shit ton of people that should be banned but wouldnt because they have a shit ton of followers and that would get a lot of people to quit the site.

-Puffyy (Should i say more?)

-Jaystar (☠️)

-Onion_Rabbit (Threw about users like hell, faked harassment, legit got people to witchhunt me (December 2022), was toxic to me before i got banned (unfairly) (July 2023)

-Deathzy (A fucking mpreg and sex comic untagged, did the same as Onion_Rabbit July 2023, has known cases of being cocky as fuck when they get their way)

-SarahKomik (Has threw about users under the bus pretending to victimise themselves over the slightest of out of context things. The current situation with Oka is one.)

-Zappy (The same as above.)

Theres a lot more! Holy fuck

This community has a complete fucking hivemind too.

When popular users say "this person has done something bad (slightly or horrible) target them guys" and when they say "dont harass this person pls" they're praying that the mods dont fucking mob them. Oh wait.

Its like a lot of people have pointed out popular beats all!

Also, this is how people say "fuck the rules" (e.g, Oka and me)

If you have any problems, comment it, You probably shouldnt have but if your a snowflake, combat me.

Oh yeah i also forgot Tammy got knocked about like the school thot at summer time with the football team. They need apologising yall. This is the reason why people quit, my point above. Tammy quitting is one of the worst things to happen to CS.

[caluski]

i think everything else couldve been much worse. i couldve been unemployed for far longer, i couldve ran out of money way sooner, i couldve became homeless and spiraled into addictions and such. all that stuff. but with loneliness........ in the end, its strangely comforting to think that it was really all there could be. i thought about it during my walk... and you know, while im not much better yet - i still only really talk to people at work about work things - at least i can open my mouth and hear my own voice, speaking. because having like.. no one, absolutely no one to talk to, being completely silent for days, its so horrifying.

at some point, i think it must have been december, maybe late november, i couldnt even bring myself to talk without breaking down in tears. it all feels a little foggy, now, blurred into one, but talking to myself, trying to sing on my own, anything, it felt like nothing, except for maybe trying to not let my throat go rusty. i cant even tell anymore whether i went insane or not, whether my family really couldnt tell just how desperate i was to talk to someone, to speak, like about anything, anything at all. and other than blaming myself for most of how it ended up being, i think the resentment for everyone choosing to leave me on my own will linger over my heart for a very long time. i literally openly begged people to talk to me, to see me, whenever, wherever, and yet... i cant blame anyone for not wanting to be around someone whos constantly suicidal, but i still thought that there would be at least one person who'd choose to stay and wait it out with me. i wish things were different. i know i shouldnt be surprised that no one waited for me, as life goes on and people move past you, especially if their feelings for you were never really strong to begin with... but man. i cant even really count posting on tumblr as talking - after all, most of the time, i am just here talking about myself, to myself, and im aware of that. just screaming out a million times i wanna die, i wanna die, i wanna die, doesnt exactly count as conversation. it only really felt like writing out messages on the walls of an abandoned building, where you kinda hope someone will come across it and read it... but also, its not like they'll seek you out to save you, no matter how desperate you get. more likely is that they'll nod at it and go, "oh, big mood" and keep walking.

i wish it was already over. i wish i could find.. maybe not even "new friends" or whatever, but something to ease my mind with, to help me shift focus on something useful. its really hard to motivate yourself to do anything, when youre depressed. even now, i feel like work is really draining me... i can only pray that i will find motivation in me sometime soon, or this wont end well either. sorry this isnt very optimistic of me. i dont know where i was going with this one either. i think i should just go back to work now

[figula]

more (covid-related) wedding complaining, gonna tag all the next few weeks' stuff with "cham's wedding" for the haters

ben's last day at work is the 17th + we get married on the 26th so im praying that this gives us enough time to dodge this current covid surge... he's literally not bothered at all and is just like "we'll figure it out :)" and im like oh my god... what is wrong w/ you like ... we have spent so much money we literally need to just not get sick the next few weeks ohhh my god... he's going to his family's at the weekend + that is gonna be the last thing i let him do (i might go, but i have a hsit ton of work to do and i dont think taking off a day is gonna help me get it all done) bc that *should* be enough time to get covid + get over it lol esp that we're all vaxxed as much as possible *and* ben already had it last december and i think reinfections on average are less severe (yes i know there is a lot of stuff arguing the opposite as well but i think people misinterpret reinfection studies as though there's an expotential risk - whereas it's more like, two nasty falls technically doubles your risk of breaking a leg or whatever but those two falls dont (usually) interact with each other at all to make said risk overall worse or greater or what have you. this was a huge tangent) also like whilst i do still fully take covid seriousyl i think it's ok to acknowledge that th eviral landscape looks massively different than it did in 2020 + that it generally isnt as much of a threat as it was back then to a population with varying - but generally high - levels of immunity either from vax or actual infection or both. would prefer to keep this immunity from "vax only" but i am pretty sure id be ok in terms of long covid - partly bc "long covid" is a term that encompasses much more than it should - it includes side-effects from severe illness, lingering symptoms such as a cough that lasts for 4+ weeks, and then the ME-like illness that some people get. this final category is actually vastly smaller than the other two (UK ONS suggests that it's something like 0.1% of the population have been "severely disabled" by LC compared to the group who haven't been - about 5% and this group declines over time - the severely disabled group doesnt.) + i think we need to bear this in mind when considering risk of "long covid" bc like atm "long covid" can mean way too many things to be a useful term. so when people say 1/10 infections result in long covid i think: ehhh

HOWEVER ALL THIS TO SAY that if ben gets covid and we have to cancel and/or postpone the wedding i am going to fucking murder him. so the weddingg wont be happening anyway

also does anyone want to see the nastiest bug bite ive ever had? DM me for pics

[gh0st1nth3shell]

Te extraño

Its been a while since I was last really invested in Tumblr. Lost the one I had since middle school 4 years back and had to restart. Kinda demoralized me so I just haven't been on it. I have like 2 followers and I haven't bothered to even see who they are. I doubt they know me so that makes this a lot easier. Besides using Tumblr to cope and escape as a kid, I also used to be very invested in writing as a medium for release and clarity. Starting now, I guess Ill be combining the two.

Abuela, to you I dedicate these words to. Pero primero, I must apologize to you. I'm currently off two grams of shrooms, 5 blunts, and 4 shots of tequila.

Ill start by saying Im not sure what Im trying to accomplish with this. Maybe Im just looking to vent without a response or judgment. Im not certain if these words and the sentiment behind them will ever reach you but I pray in my heart they do. Ive always been better at expressing myself through pose rather than articulation and I guess that's for the better. Speaking is a waste of breath anyway.

Lately youve been popping up more and more into my mind. Its more than likely the seasonal depression Ill never escape from, but I also just feel like maybe you've been trying to reach me. These last 4 months out of the year are always the hardest for me.

You dont know this, very few people do besides now I guess the people who come across and read this, however, I was 4 in 2001. I was in Manhattan at daycare since neither of my parents could take care of me. We were only a few blocks down. I'm not sure why, but the memories of that day have been coming back to me and more vividly each time. I can recall being fetal position lined against the wall. Your daughter, my aunt, was the one who picked me up. You already know she was a New York City EMT, as well as her service during the attack. She escorted me to the medical van. I didn't get to enter before seeing the second plane hit. I can only see smoke now, the brilliant flash of orange and dark red, a fireball that was enveloped by smoke, and screams and panic. Im 27 and only able to conceptualize now, the fact that I watched hundreds of people die with my own eyes.

October Isnt terrible, but its cold. It brings me back to Melrose, South Bronx. My mother used to try and force some feigned happiness between her and her children. Everything she did was for show and tbh the hassle of getting dolled up in whatever costume she decided to put me in at the age of 5, made the shit more traumatizing than anything. Her birthday was last month but seeing as to how we don't talk at all anymore, or rather she denounced me as her son, these two months together kinda rub salt into an open wound. I can only recall the anxiety associated with her. Everything she wanted was a mandate. I realize now that I had no free will, opinion, choice, or respect when it came to my place under her. I have nightmares of her a lot now starting around 2 years ago. Im always running from her. Always hiding in some way or another. Always imprisoned or trapped, anxious or afraid.

December is most-likely the reason for that. I was 3. I don't remember shit from my younger years. I was always switching boroughs since I was a victim of a stupid ongoing custody battle for 10 years. Most of my time focus and energy by the time I was 3 was dedicated to raising my younger sister and brother. The thing is they weren't in the picture when this happened so I must've been just 1 and this would've been my first Christmas. We would've been living in Flatbush, Northside of Brooklyn, since that's were I was born. I can still generally remember the day decently well. My mom and dad weren't married long at all and when they were I could tell they weren't in love. The same way I feel around my mother is the same she felt around my father. That was obvious then and it is now. She cooked for my father and me and Im certain Brussel sprouts was in the food because it the one thing I wont eat besides olives and I remember your son bitching at me about it, to be respectful and grateful for the food my mom spent all day cooking. (He was decent on solemnly rare occasions). There always seemed like their was a static in the air that day and even now, I will never understand what it was... I just know that my first Christmas and my first exposure to domestic abuse was on the same night. Lights were up, there was a tree, there was my goldfish Elmo (sesame street was my shit), presents... all of it was destroyed by the end of the night. I unfortunately cannot escape the memories of seeing the different weapon, the rage and fear, the helplessness. My dad using anything he could to break down the door where me and my mother were behind to try and get to her. 1 year old me really tried holding the door back as if I could do shit.. it felt straight out of a fucking horror movie. I don't think Ive ever truly escaped that panic and fear. I can still recall my mothers bloodied face, bruised and bloodied body and her busted lip and tears as Brooklyn police took my father out in cuff. Nothing but wreckage and my futile attempts at consoling my mother by offering my teddy bear. I was never aware that that same exact abuse would be targeted at me.

While thats is probably the most tragic, unfortunately, Its very close with having unknowingly lost you in November so many years ago.

I apologise again, because I wasnt there in your final moments. I never thought the last time I would ever see you would be when I was 11 or that the last time I would ever hear your voice was when I was 13. Im convinced your son and daughter, my father and aunt, both very much hated me. Nothing else really seems to make sense. Everyone was aware except me. My brother and sister knew. My mother fucking knew and it feels like legitimately everyone held that information from me the whole time. I didn't know your last moments were spent bed ridden. I wasn't aware there severity of your mental condition and your overall health. No on told me you had passed. No one invited me or told me about the funeral, the burial service or the wake. My father had denounced me before that point sure, but to have been neglected in such a way as to deny me a chance to see you off, it kills me in ways I cant describe.

You have been the only woman in my entire life to show me unconditional and consistent love. You were the only one who allowed me to cry and to be aware of my depression instead of trying push it down. You were probably the only person who saw things for what they were, I was traumatized since 1, I was a parental child by 3, deeply traumatized by the age of 4 and suicidal since the age of 5. You saw how smart, loving, and full of light I was but also all the darkness around me. Spending nights under your care in Queens was probably the only time I felt safe and at peace in my forsaken childhood. You exposed me to arroz con leche. You put cinnamon sticks and nutmeg in it. Ive been in love since and if I had to think on it, its my comfort food and overall second favorite meal.

I felt safe snuggling in bed with you and watching Telemundo news and dramas even tho I never knew what they were saying. I can barely remember what you smell like anymore. Im starting to slowly lose sense of what your voice sounds like. Its getting harder to remember what you look like. Ill never forget your name though. Ill never forget the feeling of warmth and safety Ive felt in you arms and in your grace. Thank you for doing your best to protect me. Thank you for being the only person who was ever proud of me. Thank you for being the only one to see and accept me for everything I was and am. Thank you for being the only woman and the only person to love me with no condition, expectation, judgment, or sacrifice. Lastly, please forgive me for not being able to stop crying almost ten years after your death. Youre Johovahs witness so I know your up with Father God in your rightful place in heaven. You don't like Halloween at all, but you made Thanksgiving warm when I was blessed enough to share it with you.

Ill be alone for the holidays this year. I know at the very least you'll be with me so Ill try to cook something nice for us for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I at least want to make Arroz con Leche for you, by your recipe.

Abuelita, Grandmother Ilma. I miss you so much I want to fucking die. But I push on in your honor and love. Please continue to protect me, my love. Rest in peace and Heaven, my angel.

-With so many tears, sincerely Junior.

[whichcouldmeannothing]

minnie's plans (dec '23)

writing this for me teehee

guess who only has 3 more weeks of holiday!!! (me)

fic rec updates: i'll be dropping fic rec lists once a week until my holiday ends because i bookmarked 200 fics this year and i would like for people to read them (hoping to get them up because i have so many and hoping praying i can get my iwaoi one out before january

for reference:

fics: honestly i'm redoing nano because i got so disgusting busy in november, so i'm hoping to get through 50k, i wont be posting them all in december because i need to edit my own work + i want to scam a friend into betaing for me hehe

but if you want to know what i plan 2 work on

a couple of <5k oneshots (for like tiny ships im in, like gavries and spiderdads) but these'll probably tiny and soft and sweety for christmas teehee (i hope to give some as gifts honestly but lol)

i want to finish my outstanding fic tis the damn season? i have the plans up and part of chapter 9 written teehee :3 bc i have left it alone for A YEAR AND IT DIDNT DESERVE THAT

i would like to write some big boy fics for marvey for myself, i have a devil wears prada au that i have some stuff written for and this other magic fic for them that uh... hehahahahhadadh

okay ups. i might actually write songbird

for fics ill try to finish the bulk of the writing for all the things i want this holiday because uh. i will not touch docs next year because. school starts on the 8thhh anyway bye

[pigstepmp3-moved]

holy hell, gamers, i finally reached one whole thousand followers! how bonkers is that! when i first made this blog in december 2018, i was just trying to start over in a new fandom. ive been active on tumblr for a looong time (since i was like 11, which is. not great, but we wont get into that). i cant remember quite why i decided to remake, but i never imagined getting a higher following than i did before, but i did! 1000 followers is bonkers, i’ve never had a thousand of anything! i seriously cant thank each and every one of you enough, whether you followed me for 911 or for mcyt or for whatever!

now, since ive reached this absolutely bonkers milestone, im feeling particularly sappy! so under the cut, i have some friends and mutuals tagged who are super great n who are always an absolute pleasure to see on my dash! <3 again, thank you all so much! (ps, if we’re mutuals and i didnt tag u in this, that doesnt mean i dont love and appreciate you!! i mostly am just picking people to tag based off how often i see them on my dash! i love all of u so much <3)

♡ 911 FRIENDS ♡

(aka the ogs, aka the fire fam)

♡ @lovelessmotel ♡ emily!! god, where do i even begin with how much i love and adore you!! i know youre one of my big sisters, but wow i am so proud of how much youve discovered yourself since we’ve met!! like wow, look at this epic, gorgeous person whos one of MY close friends! im so lucky to be friends with you! thank you so much for being my friend, i appreciate you and all the sisterly advice you’ve given me more than i can ever put into words!

♡ @eddiediaz-buckley ♡ sav!! mom!! i love u so unbelievably much!! i am so unbelievably grateful for you and everything youve done for me! all the advice youve given me and all the times youve let me vent to you have been so important to me and i cannot thank you enough for all that. im soso appreciative of you and im so glad that i have someone as amazing as you as my mom/big sister (we’ll never really figure out our fams family dynamics, will we?) (ps, whenever i go outside and have my keys with me, its always so comforting to feel the keychain you got me! its like my moms with me everywhere i go!)

♡ @liesoverthec ♡ bonbonbonbon!!! i love you so much, you wouldnt BELIEVE how much i love you!!! im so glad we met bc you are so unbelievably kind!! there is a very good reason a nickname for u is bonbon bc you are just as sweet as candy!! maybe even more so!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, you give such wonderful advice and talking to you always makes me feel a million times better!! i love you and i am soso glad i get to call you my friend!

♡ @marauder-girl ♡ sabsabsab!! i love u so much, u funky lil future lawyer!! im so proud of u and i can hardly believe ur gonna be my Lawyer big sister!!! thats so awesome!! i cant believe such a rad person is one of MY friends!! how lucky am i!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, youre so kind and funny and talented and your advice has always been so helpful to me too! thank you so much for being my friend and for always being there for me!!

♡ @nighting-gale17 ♡ cait, my love, my wifey!!! wowowow i love u so much!!! im so glad we’re friends, you are so unbelievably lovely!! youre also so unbelievably talented like??? hey queen wanna hand some of ur writing ability over to the unfortunate (like me). i’m so glad we’re friends, youre so sweet and even tho we dont talk as much as we used to, i still have SO much love for you in my heart

♡ @africaneuropean ♡ rae, my father!! i love u so much!! i know we havent talked at all in. who knows how long. but i still have so much love for u in my heart!! you are so iconic and cool and funny, im so glad i met you n became friends with you!! ur one of the coolest people i know, i hope i can be as cool and mysterious and wonderful as you one day

♡ @evaneddie ♡ DHYL!!! dhyl pickle i love u so much!!! whenever u pop into my inbox with random nice messages, every part of me lights up!!! u are so kind to me and for what!! i miss talking to u as much as we used to, you are so sweet and you are such a good friend!! i love u n im SO proud of how far youve come with gif making, i still remember when u first started n youve gotten SO amazing at gifs lately!! i love u soso much n im so glad we’re friends, youre so awesome!!!

♡ @basil-the-writer ♡ des!!! i love u so much!!! i know we’ve never rly talked all that much but im glad we have interacted in the ways that we have!! u are so sweet n so talented!! like the fact that u have the patience for those lil video edits u do?? that is so cool!! all ur edits are so cool, i cannot imagine being able to make stuff like that without dying every single time. u are so cool n i love being able to call u my friend!!

♡ GRIFF ♡

(aka griff)

♡ @yawnralphio ♡ u get ur own section bc u are my only 911 friend who isnt an og, but thats ok bc u are so swaggy!! i love being friends with u griff, u are so cool and funny and i am so glad that u still want to be friends with me despite all of the horrifying things u’ve learned about mcyt from me jdhfajkdhfa. i love u so much n i am so excited to get to know u more n get closer to u!!

♡ FRUITBLR ♡

(aka mcyt friends)

♡ @fear-epidemic ♡ atlas u are so swaggy and funny!! tumblr funny man!! im so glad we’re mutuals, i love u a whole lot. that one time u me n wilby played bed wars together was so fun even if we’re really bad! n that one time we played on the fruitblr server while on vc was so fun, i loved talking to u n playing with u so much, we gotta do that again sometime. i love u so much chapin n im so glad we’re friends!!

♡ @netheritedream ♡ hari my beloved... i love u so much. like literally so much that its really embarassing. i am so glad u tagged me in that one follow forever post n put the offer on the table to let me join the server. i love being ur dumb lil husband!!! jus like actual fundy, i would risk it all to watch treasure planet with u. i love u sososo much, i wish i could live closer to u so i could actually talk to u more often </333 im going through severe withdrawal, pray for me. im gonna stop talking for now bc if i kept going on, this post would be several miles along n nobody has time for that </3 just know that i love u so much and i love having matching icons n i love being ur husband, i love u so much

♡ @sootswilbur ♡ tommy... i care you so much. little bromther!!! im sososo glad we’re friends bc u are so kind to me all the time n u are so easy to talk to!! ur also so talented, ur writing n ur gifs are so amazing n im so proud of all the awesome stuff u make!! seeing u experiment more with ur gif sets n trying new things is so awesome n inspiring and i love seeing ur experiments work out!! i love u soso much n im so happy to be ur big brother!! (or one of them at least)

♡ @fruitbur ♡ virgil my Other beloved... i love u so much!! u are one of the kindest people ive ever met n im so glad i met u!! i know ive already told u this before but ur tagging system is so sweet n i love seeing u reblog my posts bc im like “yay alastair is gonna tell me that he loves me in the tags :D” i also lovelovelove ur theme, i love the soft pink and the lil aesthetic board that u have pinned, its so nice to look at!!! ily sososo much <333

♡ @theartofmining ♡ hey fruit ily. like genuinely, u are so unbelievably funny that u make my ribs hurt so much. i know we’re like never rly that serious but i love u so much. as much as i joke about hating u, i really am glad we’re friends n i really look forward to becoming better friends with u. i love u a whole lot rain, i love seeing u on my dash bc ur full of good takes n funny posts

♡ @sapnaplive ♡ dream.... bonks our foreheads together... i care u so much. my other half!!! i love u with my whole little heart. u are soso cool and im so lucky to be able to call u my friend!! ur themes are always so cool, i wish i could be half as cool as them!!! ur art is also so epic like??? u are a triple threat: good at art, tumblr themes, AND minecraft building. and ur also so kind!!! u are one of the sweetest people i know, i love u so much and im so glad im friends with u!!

♡ @dreams-little-kitten ♡ corn u are so weird and i mean that in the kindest way possible. u are so cryptic n i love that so much about u. ur like the wilbur to my philza sometimes and i think thats so awesome. that one time u came into my inbox to talk shit about that one cuphead boss was so funny and absurd, i loved that so much. i love You so much. i love how ur just so effortlessly funny, n im so glad i can be friends with u

♡ @dreamsmp ♡  JEL!!!! i love u so much holy cow. u are so sweet!! all the time!!! ur also so talented, ur gifs always look so good!!! i love being friends with u, ur always so nice to me n u always leave rly nice tags when u reblog my gif sets that make me so happy!!! i think about that one time u rbed my fundy gif set n said “FUNDY GIFS” and “GIFS BY FUNDY” it made me so happy!!! i love u a whole lot, im so glad we’re friends :)

♡ @leaguelol ♡ damien!! i love u so much u funky little cryptid!! i love when u pop into the gc just to share cryptic thoughts, u are so strange but i think thats so cool of u!!! i honestly see u kinda like a lil sibling, im always so proud of u when i see ur art on my dash!! u are so talented at art!! i love u so much n i love being ur friend, ur rly sweet n i love seeing u on my dash and in the gc!!

♡ @its5undy ♡ idk why im putting u on this, ur my mortal enemy. jkjk, i actually love u a lot clay! i love joking around with u, ur so funny and for what. im so glad u joined the gc bc i love talking to you so much!! i still love that one time u reblogged that fwt gif set n tagged me in it moments after I reblogged it. i love that u thought about me, that rly warms my heart! i love being friends with u sososo much

♡ @cavalreee ♡ oh hey, another great big fruit!! i dont think we talk all that often, which is a shame, bc ur so sweet!! and also so fucking funny, why is everyone in this friend group so fucking funny, its not fair. i love seeing u on my dash talking with ur other friends, u always have the funniest convos ever. also? ur desktop theme is SO epic, it threw me off the first time i saw it but its so swaggy, just like u!! i love u soso much azzie, n i hope we can talk more in the future bc ur so cool

♡ @technosoot ♡ i love u even tho ur a br*t /j /j /j. jannat u are so unbelievably sweet. im so glad u joined the gc bc u are such a kind presence both in there and on my dash! u radiate very Warm, Friend energy. ur friend shaped. i love u so much n i love being friends with u!! im very eager to become closer friends with u bc u seem like a really amazing friend to have

♡ @sortasortaspicy ♡ les where are u in the gc i miss u </3 i love u so much, u fit in so well from the very beginning n brought so much more fun and laughter into the gc. i dont know u all that well n i dont think we’ve talked one on one like. at all. but id love to get closer to u bc ur so rad and ur so sweet!!

♡ EPIC PEOPLE  ♡

(aka mutuals who are so cool n id love to be friends with u pls talk to me)

@eurytherm ♡ @vampkings ♡ @weelbur ♡ @wilburtheesoot ♡ @quackityskarl ♡ @wimblrscoot ♡ @technofarmer ♡ @wooteena ♡ @bloodforblood ♡ @smpsapnap ♡ @literallynotfound ♡ @hearty-an0n ♡ @enderanboo ♡ @springbonniecpu ♡ @pandascanpvp ♡ @tommylnnits ♡ @strawberrygogy ♡ @timedeo ♡ @nymika-arts ♡ @h-isforhome ♡ @eboykarl ♡ @joe-alkaysani ♡ @betwecouldmakesome ♡ @squirrelstone ♡ @maddieandchimney

[whaleofatjme1920]

Dear Operator,

My dearest apologies

that you're such a pussy

-T.S

/yes this is also one of the serious letters, he'll hunt me down for sport wont he

[Disclaimer: Letters To Those you Hold Dear is a special event I'm holding from December 9th - whenever I feel like closing it! The absolute deadline is December 21st. Find guidelines here so you can send a letter or two to those you hold dear <3]

[AN: This is,,, technically your second letter?? I'm so confused on this situation lmfao. Also for ANYONE COMING FROM THE TAGS: DO NOT SEND ME LETTERS THIS SHORT I WILL FIGHT YOU. This is the only person to get away with it because I'm familiar with them.]

T.S.

My condolences to your bloodline and the colorful thing you call a personality. If you have a god or multiple, pray to them. It may offer little comfort, but... No one will come.

It's time to string you up in the pines and allow you to see the parts of yourself that would only be seen by professionals when you're under anesthesia.

Have a lovely day.

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

Toxic-Fans Can Be Jerks That Give Other Fans A Bad Name...

you can't just force a update of either a web show or even a video game, it takes time and a lot of energy.

and it doesn't help to bully the creator of the said series into "hurrying up" when they are going through a lot.

even if it is different from what I went through, I know how it feels to reach a breaking point and it doesn't help that I had gotten over having the first depression type feeling (this happen a few years ago now), and I ended up having a second depression.

which I think the second one might of started around either 2015 or 2016 and I didn't get fully better until December 2017.

even if there are Toxic-Fans who are acting unreasonable, there are some Fans who knows it takes time for projects to get fully done,and sometimes there will be delays beyond control and a project will need to be placed on hiatus.

I just learned about something that I didn't know before until just now, after watching about Latest news that has to do with Episode 8 of Helluva Boss.

and I agree that Vivziepop does indeed deserve better, and I hope she is able to fully heal and stay safe, and she can take as long a she needs.

there was a type of Fan Art I did, that has to do with the whole what if Stolas had a younger sister (which would be Helluva Boss AU/Fanon Only type thing.)

but I think I will wait a while before I post it on here.

I don't think what I went through is the same as what Vivzie is going through right now, but I hope that she will be able to fully recover both mental health

as well as the heart, I know that yesterday I wasn't just feeling tired, I was kind of feeling a little down too, like one of those can't help but not feeling happy type days.

I think that those Toxic-Fans, should just shut up and stop being jerks, but for now I guess it's best to ignore them unless they act like they did before again. there are somethings that Fans should NOT cross the line in, and this is one of those times.

and besides the Toxic-Fans, it does seem like there is other stuff that are going on, I think I will try my best to pray for Vivzie to stay safe and heal,

and yes I am going to pray to both the Earthly Mother & Heavenly Father for this, and I know I'm not gonna let some jerk get away with misusing those "may the lord have mercy on you"  at me just because I’m including The Goddess Who Was Wronged a very super VERY long time ago during the warlike Indo-European times of 2000 to 3000 BCE (it talks about it in Stones Of The Goddess Crystals for Divine Feminine and it’s by Nicholas Pearson.), and yes it did hurt when it first happen that involved that Toxic-Religious person, and it kept hurting when my words of how it was hurting my feelings, wasn't getting through to the Toxic-Religious person who kept throwing those misused words at me, even after I pointed out that my feelings were being hurt and it was making me cry.....

I know that not every religious person is like that, but that person who hurt me was a insensitive jerk. I can have friends who are religious or even some who might be atheist, and so long as they respect my different new belief, it will be okay.

it's like to agreeing to respect that my new belief is well slightly different... anyway like I said, I'm going to do my best to pray that she heals and fully relax and taking it easy.

hopefully it wont be ignored, or not granted soon enough like the last prayer I made to have something be stopped right away.... it does give me another reason why I want to go live with Earthly Mother... what I was praying for, it had to do with some really bad stuff that was happening...and I wanted it to be put a stop to...

anyway, even if some fans can be a bit more careful when asking about a update, but you shouldn't cross the line when it comes to it.

hopefully things will work out and Vivzie will be able to fully heal after what happen, sometimes it takes time to heal....

and cats or dogs or any form of animal, can be great to help, I know I have my fluffy baby cat, who even makes the cutest baby like sounds. it did hurt when my first cat died, I think I was almost getting over being sick during the time when it happen. I had been throwing up and everything, it was before the Covid thing (and before I caught it, but only was sick from it for a few days, though I didn’t know I had it when I had gotten sick again....)

the video that I watched that talked about what's going on, did bring up a cat, so I hope that Vivzie's fluffy baby helps with the healing as well.

and yes even if there are Toxic-Fans, there are Haters who wouldn't know jack about anything, and well let's save that talk for sometime later... also if something is going on with A24, and I did want to try to trust them but if they even pull something....

and I can only hope things work out, A24 shouldn't own the rights to the Hazbin Hotel series,I mean if it is true and it isn't just rumors....but still, if this is one of the problems, then hopefully it will be fixed someday when it is possible.

even if they have some form of power for some networks, they have to understand that there are some shows they can NOT fully own. they can perhaps help with showing them, but the rights should go to the original creator if the series.

if things don't go well and if the rumors are true, then maybe SpindleHorse Toons can get the Full Rights back away from A24.

but for now, I guess we can only hope that A24 doesn't do anything that will be harmful, as annoying as it is to think some info I found might be true that has to do wit A24, which it can't be helped at the moment.....what's more important is that Vivzie is getting the much needed time to relax so she can heal.

I mean it is possible it isn't just the Toxic-Fans that are the problem, but hopefully everything will work out....and hopefully the Toxic-Fans will learn from this. like not to be selfish jerks for one,  because it takes time and a lot of energy to work on either a show or movie or video game, it just does...

I hope some of you can understand what I'm saying, and don't misunderstand it.....I don't like it when that happens, like when I try to say something, it gets misunderstood in the worst way.

to fans who have heard about what whats going on, but maybe just found out just now like myself, I mean the video that talks about it was posted on June 5, 2022. and I didn’t see it until June 6, 2022.

if the rumors about A24 are true, then hopefully there will be some form of justice that will have the Team of SpindleHorse Toons, get the full rights back.

but if it is all just a misunderstanding, then well hopefully it can be cleared up,

 but it better be a good one, and wont make any fans mad and be more protective. I mean I guess if there is some bad rumors that are true, than it would be best that someone else owned A24 and made sure creators of different shows or movies that they trust them with, will still have form of rights to their creations. 

also I’m not sure if it will work for everyone, but maybe Vivzie could try to get gems to help, I have my bracelets that are suppose to protect me....

and I also use them as sealing charms and limiters, it does seem that pray/programming them by using some good salt (like holding both the salt together with the bracelets in hands like in a wish, but would have to use water to get any salt that is stuck on it off, but maybe like mix of warm and cold water.)

the only time it didn’t work, was when I kept one of the bracelets off for too long, and I had to re-do it.

Amethyst and Black Tourmaline might help, though if it does, it doesn’t mean it will work fully right away, it could take a lot of time and even longer I think.

I know that one of the new reasons I have to have my bracelets on,

is because I don’t want to get telekinesis where I can end up moving things without even touching them, but so far it is only when I hold a item either it be a bottle of pop or a precious childhood item, that I hold with my fingers like I’m holding my pendulum, that it will start to move in the same way if I think either clockwise or circle or side to side....

so long as I keep the bracelets on, that wont happen, and it will only move pendulum when I hold it with my fingers.....and I should make sure to take a break from using it once in a while.

 I don’t know my idea will be of any help, I mean it is possible that some gems can help some, but I guess it depends.

 for the sake of Vivzie, please try to show support and understanding with what she’s going through right now, even if we all might not understand the full picture of it and only can get it from bits and pieces of info we hear about from that one video that talked about it, well it more of like had the words and didn’t have anyone really talking, but it still counts.

if what is going on with A24 is just rumors, then hopefully it will be cleared up.

even if the video I found that talked about what’s going on with Vivziepop,

did say that a new episode will be released I think around July...?

I forgot what day though, but if it has to go to another hiatus and might take a while, then we must be patient and understanding, and not be shisnos about it.

I think a Amethyst and Black Tourmaline bracelets might help a lot,

though we can’t just tell her to get them, because we believe it might help.

I know I do use my bracelets to protect myself too, and I do wear them to sleep now since I got them....but I still have to take them off at times.

I just think it be good way to help with the healing, I mean there is a chance it wont work for everyone, and it might mean that my suggestion is terrible.

I mean it is just one of the things that I can think of that can help,

well that and having adorable fluffy baby that can help sooth you when you are not feeling all that great, and if anyone did any physical harm to my fluffy baby, there will be heck, I still stand by my words from before that if any Toxic-Pagan (who gives other Pagans a bad name) even so much as touch my precious fluffy baby or try to use them for a certain ritual....

I will show no mercy to their hair, I will pull it so hard that they will know not to mess with this Defective Earth Angel who’s blood type is RH Negative.

I think I will wait until the day after tomorrow to check my blood type to see what type of RH Negative I am, if it does come out O RH D Negative for a third time, I will fully accept it.

I know I’m Defective, and I don’t “work correctly” and maybe that’s a good thing.

and well maybe I can explain why about it another time...

but I think it is good to have gems that can help with different energies, and well it could work for some but it might not work for everyone.

and it’s okay if Vivziepop doesn’t like the suggestion, but I’m still going to hope that she gets lots of her time and gets lots of Rest and Relaxing and her fluffy baby is making her feel better each day.

also just in case, I’m placing the “don’t reblog this without permission.”

there can be some jerks out there, who will well not be so nice...

even if there are some you can trust with reblogging a post, but sometimes it’s best to be careful.

also I’m not gonna put the tag that says “Read More” for this.

I will only do that when I feel like it, so please respect my wishes when I don’t want to put it as one one the tags.

also I think I should try to look up to see if having some days where you go through a numb-flux is normal...?

it seems that ever since I had my two depressions, when I have days where I don’t feel as 100% great, there is like this “feeling” and it’s like a numbness.

maybe it is nothing and I was just having a off day, maybe it is all in my head and there is nothing wrong with whatever I was feeling on the inside.

but I still am curious and would like to try to look it up.

I know during the first stages of when I was getting that second depression,

I wanted to punch the bathroom mirror but common sense kept me from doing it, because well for obvious reasons...

everyone can have different levels of a emotional and mental hurt,

and it does take time to heal, and depending on how bad it is, it can take a way longer....and well I hope other fans will be supportive and not act like Toxic-Fans and not make anything worse, and just try to be the positive support.

I think what I need right now, is to check out some fan art on here....

maybe to help with calm myself as well, and I think what I will do first, will watch Steven Universe Future, I will start with the Steven Universe Movie then I will watch Steven Universe Future.

I will keep myself signed in on here, while I watch Steven Universe.

also I hope no one misunderstands anything I said in this post,

I mean some misunderstandings can be okay if they are small and can be worked out but sometimes they can be misinterpreted in the worse way and it can cause some pretty bad hurt feelings.

like if you make a comment on a fan art, but what you say gets misinterpreted by the one who drew the fan art in the first place.....

it’s like that, and well hopefully some can understand about my thoughts and feelings that if some rumors turn out to be true that has to do with A24, then it will be fixed and things will work out hopefully.

I’m not 100% sure if whats going on is partly have to do with them,

but it does seem that Toxic-Fans can be a bit mean, when it comes to trying to hurry what cannot be rushed....I mean the video I found did make it seem that some fans are what is the problem, but there can still be more to it.

but it’s best to just not worry about what is the cause right now (but we can still keep a eye out), what is important is that Vivzie heals and gets plenty of TLC and R&R.

I’m not sure if Vivienne/Vivziepop will read this, and if she does I hope it isn’t misinterpreted and well I hope everything works out and she stays safe while doing some much needed healing while taking a break.             

[eleminim]

i have no one to talk right now, it's 4.19 a.m. so it gave me confidence to talk about it, my overthinkings.

life began to more and more boring for me at this point, i've changed my major in university which im a freshman now at the age of 22. Have no friends, really, no friends. I think it because of me, i put too much effort on my relationships and find myself in a situation that i gave "too much"

after that, my relation with people starts to fade away, kinda weak. i found myself thinking nearly every moment i'm in my mind.

i read an article about a woman who died because of cold, she's homeless and take off her socks for her children because their hands are got pretty cold. she died, her children also.

i'm thinking about dying, why should i live in such a... i dont know this is making lose my temper.

if i'm not a believer of God, i'd immediately take my life. still, i just cannot find a purpose to live. a purpose to break this depression cycle. i was using antidepressants & cigarette but had a quick and sudden quit both of them. one night, which is 14rd December of this year, throw my cigarette box into a trash can and didnt take my antidepressants since.

i never had a lover and a close friend. cannot say no to my friends, like friends which online or my gaming friends. i do all the fucking thing they'd ask. i dont know why am i being like a servant to people i know.

i'm praying for God, maybr he can make me more heartless or something. i cannot even watch a normal movie, i watch chappie last week and damn, i cried in the scene they beat the robot which is chappie. she is a damn robot and she doesnt have any emotion, and i found myself w teary eyes and broken mood.

hope i wont regret for writing all of this situation because i feel guilty once i start to open my mind to someone.

sincerely, i'd be pretty happy if i get any advice? or just one thought, i think i need affection or something.

have a nice day & stay healty.

♥️

Peace be upon you,

I was happy to read that your a believer of God, that made me reply this message easier.

First I congrats you on having courage to change the major even though we are young even for a 22 years old life flows quickly I guess, you doing that is a sing that just as you can be good to other people, do what they ask you, you can do that to yourself too.

I read the story of the woman who died freezing with her children, I can't say it didn't saddene me, but to me it was just like a passing news, reading your impressions on this story made me rethink my view and I think everyone should have that kind of responsibility for each person that we failed to help.

There is not "too much" in any relationship, what makes it fail is bad management, pride and not having self awareness. The relationship you had, they weren't meant for you, either by people or by time.

Usually everyone has a wordly purpose to live and there are others who live for the other life, for Paradise; maybe the fact that you haven't found a wordly purpose means that you shouldn't have one, look further into it.

Sometimes people fill themselves with so much sadness and can't seem to find a place,a time or a person to get that sadness away so you crying to a movie that may not even be that sad means that you really want to continue to get better with a new start, cleaning your view by washing it with tears.

I am sorry for not being able to answer all of your thoughts or even give you a console but the affection and love, trust me you won't find it in virtual world. I couldn't even give you a proper advice but I can say one thing each and every thing that happens to us is because of us, because of our choices, because we believe us, not Him the one who created us and gave us life.

May I hear good from you 🤗

[drabblily]

“Wish I Were...”

Pairing: Midoriya Izuku x Reader

Warnings: Angst, Unrequited Love

Word Count: 2.1k

Synopsis: Y/N can’t help but wish she were the girl who managed to capture her crush’s heart. Based on Conan Gray’s “Heather”

You shivered, rubbing your arms up and down slightly. You were in a rush this morning, trying to get out of your dorm as quick as possible to make sure you weren’t late for class since no one thought to wake you up. Of course, you forgot to bring a jacket of sorts in the rush.

When you realized you forgot your jacket, you brushed it off. Sure, it was December, of course it was cold, but you didn’t think that it would be this cold! And to top it off, the universe decided to make it start snowing today as well. Just your luck.

Luckily, half the day seemed to pass by in a blur, classes seemingly going by pretty quick if someone were to ask you. Now it was lunch period, and you sighed in relief, praying to some sort of God that Lunch Rush had prepared something warm for the students. Of course, you could’ve asked your friend Todoroki to heat you up, but you know how much he despised using his father’s quirk, so that was off the table.

As you packed your things to start heading to the cafeteria, you and your best friend with green hair struck up a conversation.

“Hey Izuku,” you smiled softly at him, “you don’t happen to have some hand warmers, do you? It’s freezing today and I forgot to bring some warmth with me.” You chuckled nervously as you zipped up your bag of textbooks.

Midoriya smiled, scratching the back of his neck in embarrassment, “Sorry, L/N…I didn’t bring any with me either.” Before you could remind him to call you by your first name, he clasped his hands together loudly, as if he remembered something, “Ah! But I have an extra sweater with me…I accidentally grabbed two today since they were on top of each other. You can use that one!”

Immediately he opened his large backpack, pulling out a large sweater that had hints of All Might’s designs on it. Such as the hoodie having two long yellow ears, resembling the former #1’s iconic hair. “Oh…haha…Sorry, it’s this one, its kind of dorky, you don’t have to—”

“No no!” You cut him off once you realized what he was trying to say, “I think its cute! Thank you, Izuku!”

Your classmate blushed at your words, waving you off in a flustered manner, stammering over his words.

You chuckled under your breath before you pulled his sweater over your head, the polyester material falling down just before your skirt stopped at. Unconsciously, you inhaled the pretty citrus scent that you’ve come to recognize as Midoriya’s. You felt butterflies in your tummy from it, feeling at home in his scent and clothing. Snapping out of it, you grinned at him, “See, it looks great, right? Thank you~”

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater

Midoriya laughed, fiddling his fingers together, jokingly he spoke, “It looks better on you than me, actually.”

You said it looked better on me than it did you

Suddenly, you didn’t feel so cold. Heat exploded all over you, especially your face, a warm tingly feeling spreading throughout your body, your eyes inspecting his face in adoration and silence.

Only if you knew how much I liked you

You watched as he opened his beautiful emerald eyes, snapping not to you but to the person behind you. Your ears instantly perked up when you heard his breath hitch.

You turned around, curiously, to see who it was. You stood next to Midoriya, your heart dropping to your stomach when you realized those pretty eyes of his were following a certain beautiful brunette, Ochaco Uraraka. Your eyes looked to his, noticing how he looked at the girl with such love in his eyes, something he never showed you.

But I watch your eyes as she walks by

Inhaling a deep breath, you nudged his shoulders teasingly, capturing his attention for a short second before he glanced back to her.

“Hey, what a sight for sore eyes, right?”

Almost instantly he replied, breathlessly, “Brighter than the blue sky…”

Shakily breathing, you bit your lip to stop your tears, forcing a smile to your face before standing in front of him, getting his full attention now, “She’s got you mesmerized! You should just confess to her already; she totally likes you back!”

Midoriya flushed, putting his face between his hands and groaning, “Stop it Y/N…it’s embarrassing for me!! Let’s go to the cafeteria already…”

While I die…

--

It seems like your best friend took your advice. About a week or so later, Midoriya Izuku decided to confess to his crush. Surprise surprise, she liked him back, just like you said she did. Their relationship became the pinnacle of teasing from both the boys and girls in class, mostly cute comments from the females and dirty ones from the boys—those made Deku blush brighter than Kirishima’s hair, you swear.

You talked to them both after class, eyebrows slightly furrowed as you tried—and successfully as they didn’t notice—to keep your sadness down and your grin up, “You guys are so cute together, oh my gosh! I’m so glad I convinced this dork to finally fess up his feelings for you, you guys make such a power couple.”

Uraraka’s cheeks became pinker, leaning against Deku cutely, rambling her gratitude to you because she also liked him and sorts. You looked towards the green boy, his soft smile directed towards you, his mannerisms showing his thanks.

You watched as he grabbed her hand and pulled it up to his lips, giving it a small kiss before his mouth turned into a frown, “Your hands are freezing, Ochaco!”

You felt like you couldn’t breathe.

Why won’t you ever kiss me?

She giggled, her bright smile brightening up the room, “It’s alright, Deku-kun. I’m practically invincible to the cold, plus all my jacket were dirty so I couldn’t really use them...” With her free hand, she touched her own face as if to show she was ‘invincible’ like she said.

Your lips pressed into a fine line. Why did she have to be so pretty? Beautiful big chocolate brown eyes that stared up at him, a gorgeous face structure, and such a kind smile. Self-consciously, you brought your own hand up to your face, faintly running your fingers across your cheeks.

I’m not even half as pretty

Immediately hearing her words, Midoriya took his hand away, pulling that same jacket he gave you the other day out and tugging onto her, “I don’t want you to get sick, love.” He murmured to himself under his breath. His eyes widened and face became red once he noticed how cute she looked in his stupid All Might sweater. The stupid All Might sweater that you loved, which wasn’t yours, you remind yourself.

You gave her your sweater

Uraraka touched the material, “It’s so soft and cute!! Thank you Deku-kun!” She kissed his cheek, playing with the sleeves of the sweater.

It’s just polyester, you told yourself. No need to get so worked up, Y/N, a part of your brain told you. Midoriya grinned shyly, saying it was no problem.

But you like her better…wish I were Heather

“I think I’m gonna skip lunch today, you two! I feel a bit nauseous, I think it might’ve been something I ate for breakfast or something…” You smoothly lied, “But you guys should go soon, all the classes are going to steal the good stuff! I think I’ll just head to the nurse; you know?”

Deku looked to you worriedly, “Do you want me to go with you? What if something happens on the way?”

You waved Izuku off nonchalantly, “Nah, I can go by myself. Just go, go!” You nudged them both from your seat.

They laughed with you, their voices melding together like a perfect symphony making you feel choked up. Uraraka stood first, “I hope you feel better Y/N! I’ll make sure to save you a snack for later!” The brunette then grabbed her boyfriend’s hand, tugging him up.

Watch as she stands with her holding your hand

Midoriya threw you a smile before turning towards his girlfriend, wrapping his arm around her shoulder, saying how he wants her to be as warm as possible to not get sick. You felt cold again, a freezing sensation burning your skin.

Put your arm ‘round her shoulder, now I’m getting colder

They neared the door, Uraraka smiling at you oh so kindly once more, wishing you well.

But how could I hate her? She’s such an angel

Her innocent smile made you dig your nails into your palm, you felt so guilty for thinking about the nasty things you thought of her. She didn’t deserve it…

But then again, kinda wish she were dead

Once they left the room, you put your head between your arms, tears falling down your cheeks as you bit your lip to keep in your sobs so no one could hear you.

As she walks by, what a sight for sore eyes…

You tightened your grip on your arms, silently sobbing harder as you remembered his praise on her everytime he talked about her as if she were his queen.

Brighter than the blue sky

You hated how he could never look at you the way she looked at him. You hated her for being his love. You hated him for not ever noticing your massive crush on him and not choosing you instead. Most of all, you hated yourself. You couldn’t help but be full of regret and sorrow, were you not good enough for Midoriya Izuku?

She’s got you mesmerized while I die

What made it worse was that you couldn’t help imagine yourself in his arms still. How it would be if he were the one kissing you.

Why wont you ever kiss me?

How it would be if he were the one praising you instead of her.

I’m not even half as pretty…

How it would be to be in his sweater again.

You gave her your sweater

That stupid, dorky, cute, All Might sweater of his. That smelled like citrus and felt like silk, felt like him.

It’s just polyester

His words from that day flooded your mind, how he said you looked better in it than he did. Was that true? Or were you foolish enough that you would take it to your silly fragile heart?

But you like her better

You stood up, realizing that anybody could walk in, with tears streaming down your face—youd hate for your teacher to see you like this…so pathetic for a future pro hero.

Grabbing your bag and phone, you rushed out of the classroom, running for the dorms, your mind racing with thoughts of them together, breaking your heart more and more into sharp pieces that stabbed at your lungs, making you breathless as you ran.

I wish I were heather…

You pushed through the school doors, feeling heavy as you ran faster to the dormitory.

Wish I were heather…

You reached the dorms, immediately running through the empty place, looking for your room in a haze. Finally finding it, you slammed your door open, walking in and slamming it shut.

Wish I were heather…

You slid down your door, your arms wrapping around your knees in a desperate attempt to just swallow yourself whole. Your sobs came out loud and broken, your entire body shaking.

“Why won’t you ever kiss me?” You asked to the void, voicing your thoughts of the green-eyed boy to the universe.

Pathetically, you tried wiping your tears away, only for more to flood out. You couldn’t help but think of Uraraka. You doubt that even when crying, she still looked like such an angel.

“I’m not even half as pretty!” At this point you were hyperventilating, you clutched your chest, trying to calm your racing heart. This felt like death. You weren’t even in a relationship with Izuku, yet this felt like a breakup. Like heartbreak. And it hurt, so much.

You gave her your sweater…

“It’s just polyester!!” You tried reasoning with your mind, trying to alleviate the pain. It was just a sweater, so why did it hurt so much when you saw him wrap it around her, with so much concern and love in his eyes…?

But you like her better…

“Wish I were…” Your sobs broke off your sentence, not daring to finish it, not daring to say her name. The name of the girl who captured the heart of the boy you loved…

[troped-fanfic-challenge]

Chopped: Holiday Trope Exchange 2020 Masterlist!

A huge thanks to every person who signed up for our fic exchange, we got 21 really wonderful fics! We’re sorry it took us so long to get this out to you all! For anyone who isn’t sure what this was all about, this was a double blind gift exchange where each of our twenty-one (21!!!) writers were assigned four tropes from an anonymous recipient, and were tasked with writing a fic that fit our holiday theme, and included all the tropes. The only guidance from their recipient were a couple of brief notes they included during the sign up, and both the writer and recipient were revealed when we shared all the fics! A big thanks to the Tropesters who stepped up to write a second fic when we needed them! These fics, as with all our TROPED fics, were creative and unique, and found ways to utilise tropes that may seem so simple but were transformed in really spectacular ways! Please enjoy these wonderful holiday fics!

——————————————————————————

roots in my dreamland (my house of stone, your ivy grows) (Rated M) [Bellarke]

Written by @captaindaddykru for @thelittlefanpire. The four assigned tropes were 1) Doppelgängers, 2) one character is a dancer, 3) first snow, and 4) kissing to keep a cover/a secret.

Summary: Clarke really wants it to work out with Bellamy, but as an A-list Hollywood actress there’s a lot of contractual obligations she can hide behind instead of confronting her own insecurities and past mistakes. Luckily, this Christmas she’s lucked out, and her stand-in Josie is more than willing to (completely selflessly of course) take her place.

Now comes the hard part.

brighter than moonbeams (Rated T) [Memori]

Written by @the-most-beautiful-broom for @thedefinitionofendgame. The four assigned tropes were 1) The characters play a game,2) Secret Santa, 3) Exes to Lovers, and 4) Surprise kiss.

Summary: Murphy and Emori fall in love fast, and then talk themselves out of it. Years later, their paths will cross again, and they realize that their might be parts of their story that are yet to be written.

What a way to start the year (Rated T) [Bellarke]

Written by @bellarkeshoe for @bellamysgriffin. The four assigned tropes were 1) Law enforcement partners, 2) Character gets BADLY injured and they hide it somehow only to reveal later that they are mortally wounded, 3) Characters hugging after they’ve been through hell, and 4) Kissing in the snow.

Summary: It’s New Years Eve, and Bellamy and Clarke got stuck working.

It’s Alright, It’s Okay (Rated M) [Clurphy]

Written by @sailawaymayday for @wwjacksparrowd. The four assigned tropes were 1) Found Family, 2) Groundhog Day/timeloop, 3) Character gets shot/stabbed/BADLY injured and hides the wound somehow, only to accidentally (someone else touches them and their bleeding, they collapse, etc.) reveal later that they are mortally wounded, and 4) Hurt/Comfort.

Summary: Clarke makes it onto the Ring with the rest of Spacekru. What happens when New Years Eve keeps repeating itself? And what does Murphy have to do with it?

Dancing in Graveyards: An Arkadia Anthology (Rated T) [Gen Fic]

Written by @justbecauseyoubelievesomething for @kinetic-elaboration. The four assigned tropes were 1) Small town gothic, 2) Christmas Lights, 3) First snow, and 4) Sneaking someone in/out of your window.

Summary: Three small town gothic stories intertwine as old friends reunite and try to make the best out of their lives. Raven returns home after her foster father’s death and is pulled like a magnet to her enigmatic highschool sweetheart. Jasper seeks solace from a tragedy and desperately attempts to outrun the ghosts of the past. Bellamy battles his inner demons and prays not to tear himself and his loved ones apart in the process. And all of them come to realize that they belong together, even if the place they call home is shadowed by sorrow.

do or die, you’ll never make me (because the world will never take my heart) (Rated T) [Bellarke]

Written by @shen-gong-oops for @probably-voldemort. The four assigned tropes were 1) Fake dating, 2) Amnesia AU, 3) Enemies to Friends to Lovers, and 4) Superhero AU.

Summary: As the youngest member of the Guard and the daughter of the Guard former leader, there are high expectations set for Clarke. The Marketing and PR teams at Ark expecting her to be prim and proper during any conferences, while simultaneously performing their well-rehearsed fight choreography to a T.

But when four unknown supes challenge the juggernaut that is Ark Industries, Clarke wonders if herodom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Merry Christmas, Lovebirds (Rated G) [Murven]

Written by @kinetic-elaboration for @shen-gong-oops. The four assigned tropes were 1) One character cautiously says “i’m going to kiss you now, okay?” or some variation of that, 2) Mutual pining, 3) A misunderstanding, and 4) Tattoos.

Summary: There’s never snow for Christmas on the beach, Murphy is a culinary genius, Raven has a boyfriend, and other presumed facts, too obvious to mention.

Once Upon Our Story (Rated G) [Bellarke]

Written by @andthelightbulbclicks for @bellamythology. The four assigned tropes were 1) break-up/make-up, 2) Did they or didn’t they, 3) Extremely biased flashbacks of the same event, and 4) Bookstore or library AU.

Summary: Bellamy returns with as much fanfare as one can imagine when driving a school bus decorated as Santa Claus through town, leaving Clarke shocked and all of their friends confused given he hasn’t been home in months.

(Or: Six months ago, Bellamy left Arkadia.

Six months ago, Clarke didn’t.

Six months ago, their friends knew the relationship ended, even came up with their own versions of what really happened. But the question that they all want to know for certain– is why?)

Dream A Little Dream of Me (Rated T) [Clurphy]

Written by @queenemori for @vmreed. The four assigned tropes were 1) One character has a child, 2) Protectiveness, 3) Only one bed, and 4) Soulmates.

Summary: It was just Murphy’s luck that right as he was starting to enjoy Earth, he had to leave. But he’d rather that than succumb to a fiery death wave. He and the other residents of the Ring remembered Clarke every year during their New Year’s Eve celebration. But even when they weren’t celebrating Clarke, Murphy couldn’t seem to get her off his mind. He wished his brain would stop playing tricks on him by making him think she was alive. Clarke was dead. Wasn’t she?

i don’t wanna burn out, so wont you please set me on fire again? (Rated M) [Murven]

Written by @kuklash for @sparklyfairymira. The four assigned tropes were 1) Protectiveness, 2) Exes and Lovers, 3) Small Town AU, and 4) Characters fall on each other and have a moment.

Summary: The wind nipped at Murphy’s nose as he stood in the doorway of the gas station on the edge of town. Work was slow, as it always was after sundown, especially in the mid-December cold, but someone had to make sure the good townsfolk of Arkadia could get their milk and gas after the small general store closed. All 800 of them. He watched the cars drive by throughout the day, recognizing each and everyone of them. Bellamy’s beat up truck he worked all highschool to afford, Clarke’s clean new sedan, even that jerk Finn’s loud ass motorcycle. He watched them all pass one by one, his old classmates returning home after another semester of college at the University of Polis. The only sign that time was passing at all.

The phone inside rang, breaking him out of his melancholy, at least for now.

“Great,” he thought, sarcastically. “A phone call 10 minutes before we close.”

He walked back inside and put on the most cheerful customer service voice he could muster.

“Dropship Gas, this is Murphy. How can I he-”

A familiar female voice cut him off, leaving him cold.

“Murphy? Thank god!”

It was his ex.

Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you (Rated M) [Bellarke]

Written by @sparklyfairymira for @captaindaddykru. The four assigned tropes were 1) Celebrity AU, 2) Meet Ugly, 3) Characters must share something, and 4) Characters aren’t together but are mistaken to be.

Summary: Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin are household names thanks to their music. They belong to the same label so they often work together on duets—even though they can’t stand one another. Their first meeting is disastrous and six years later they still can’t get along.

toward brighter days (Rated T) [Sea Mechanic]

Written by @reggieshamster for @/ashplana. The four assigned tropes were 1) Apocalyptic Log, 2) bed sharing, 3) road trip au, and 4) mythical creatures.

Summary: Dear Harper,

I am ridiculously out of it this morning. Last night, when we reached the campsite, Luna suggested we give Echo her own bedroll, since she gave hers up the night before.

Which meant Luna was sleeping with me.

Beside me.

Excerpts from Raven’s journal as she travels to Polis for the Winter Solstice Festival

three words, two hearts, one maybe (Rated G) [Bellarke]

Written by @bellamysgriffin for @bellarkeshoe. The four assigned tropes were 1) Youtuber AU, 2) best friend’s sibling, 3) frikdreina, and 4) miscommunication.

Summary: After an accident blinds Clarke, Octavia’s been encouraging her best friend to keep up with her artwork. In order to inspire her, she recruits the help of her older brother, Bellamy, who’s recently launched a new exhibition at his museum, to feature her work. Bellamy likes Clarke’s work, and he’s more than happy to help. But when she doesn’t show on the big day, he takes matters into his own hands. With an old video camera, he records people’s reactions to Clarke’s artwork so that she’ll know just how talented she is. But when he sends it to his sister, he doesn’t expect her to upload it to YouTube. And he definitely doesn’t expect to go viral.

Something Beautiful, Simple, and Bright (Rated T) [Clurphy]

Written by @wwjacksparrowd for @queenemori. The four assigned tropes were 1) Friends with Benefits AU, 2) Prank war, 3) characters are not together but are mistaken for a couple, and 4) Based on a Song.

Summary: Six months after Wonkru and Eligius manage to establish peace and divide Eden between themselves (with a little slice shaved off for Spacekru, of course), Clarke has a mission: plan a New Year’s Eve party for fifteen hundred people within three weeks.

Murphy’s mission? Stop her from burning out in the process. Oh, and if he could just get Monty to quit it with the freaking noisemakers, that would be great, too.

(…Okay, yeah, he’d also like to date Clarke for real instead of just sleeping with her. But that’s a pipe dream, right?)

put your faith in the devil and the deep blue sea (Rated M) [Clurphy]

Written by @probably-voldemort for @kuklash. The four assigned tropes were 1) Time Loop AU, 2) Characters fall on top of one another and have a “moment”, 3) Enemies to Lovers, and 4) Superhero AU.

Summary: Twenty years ago, when the clocks changed from 11:59pm on December 31st, 1999, to 12:00am on January 1st, 2000, the world ended, exactly as the doomsdayers had predicted. Now, there are only a few livable months left on Earth, and the privileged are evacuating for a life in space, abandoning the planet.

But not everyone has given up.

Clarke was only three when the world ended, and she’s spent most of her life in her mother’s lab. Now, as the last space ships are preparing to leave, her mother’s machine is finally ready, and Clarke and her mother are heading back in time to try to stop the apocalypse from happening in the first place.

An attack on the lab leads to Clarke heading back to 1995 on her own, and the past isn’t quite how Clarke’s vague memories from the beginning of her life paint it. Clarke soon discovers that not only did the machine do more than just send her back in time, but she wasn’t, in fact, sent back alone.

Will she be able to stop the apocalypse before the clock strikes midnight? Or are some parts of history unchangeable?

All I Want For Christmas (Rated T) [Memori]

Written by @thedefinitionofendgame for @the-most-beautiful-broom. The four assigned tropes were 1) Fake dating, 2) Joke kiss turned real kiss, 3) One character is sleeping and the other character is watching them totally in love, and 4) Blanket fort.

Summary: Tired of being single, Murphy decides to take matters into his own hands and get himself a girlfriend before the annual Christmas Day dinner with his friends. Having had bad luck in the past with girls - all twenty four of them - Murphy is determined to make the twenty-fifth, the “Christmas Day” number, his forever.

Of course, this is easier said than done. When his fellow coworker, Emori, seems to be having similar problems and suggests them being each other’s “fake dates” to their Christmas parties in December, Murphy jumps at the chance. Fake dating is better than being totally alone, right? It appears that way, at least until Murphy starts to catch feelings; the ones that make you question everything you think you know. As their “fake feelings” start to become more real, Murphy realizes that Emori’s the one he wants for Christmas. But she’s got walls up and even though his heart doesn’t stand a chance, Murphy’s determined to break them down and show her what falling in love really means, maybe with the help of a little December magic thrown in.

As long as we’re together, no I can’t get much higher (Rated T) [Murven]

Written by @dylanobrienisbatman for @andthelightbulbclicks. The four assigned tropes were 1) Zookeeper AU, 2) Treasure Hunt, 3) secret places, and 4) Secret Santa.

Summary: Murphy has only known Raven for a little while, but the longer he spends getting to know her, the more he realises that there’s no hope of him not falling in love with her.

So when he gets her for Secret Santa, he makes it his mission to nail it.

before i knew you (Rated G) [Clexa]

Written by @dylanobrienisbatman for @sailawaymayday. The four assigned tropes were: (1) Pen Pals, (2) 3+1, 4+1, 5+1, etc., (3) surprise kiss, and (4) character meets another characters ex.

Summary: What do you do when your penpal, the person you know the best in the world, who you love, turns out to be the rather rude (if also rather pretty) sales girl from downstairs? Lexa is about to find out. or - 3 times lexa and clarke meet without knowing they’ve been penpals since childhood, and the 1 time Lexa figures it out.

when life gives you shit, you make kool-aid (Rated M) [Becho]

Written by @reggieshamster for @dylanobrienisbatman. The four assigned tropes were: (1) Bodyguard AU, (2) Bed Sharing, (3) Kissing to Keep Cover/a Secret, and (4) a Character gets shot/stabbed/badly injured and they collapse, being caught by their loved one.

Summary: Bellamy used to have it all, and then one screw-up cost him his career and his fancy life. Now, working as a bodyguard for alcoholic businessmen and their families, he gets a call from his sister for a job… escorting a hitwoman to testify against a man convicted of crimes against humanity. What could possibly go wrong?

and left the secret at the grave (Rated T) [Clurphy]

Written by @probably-voldemort for @justbecauseyoubelievesomething. The four assigned tropes were: (1) Murder Mystery, (2) Partners in Crime, (3) Exes to Lovers, and (4) Snowed In.

Summary: At 8:57 on the morning of December 23rd, eight year old Jordan Green discovered the body of Skybox Inn owner Vera Kane on the floor of the lobby. His screams woke up the other guests of the inn, as well as the live-in butler.

The discovery of the body was followed shortly by two more discoveries. The first was that the storm the night before had knocked out the phones and the internet, and the second was that the inn was completely snowed in with no hopes of escape anytime soon.

Thirteen people trapped in an inn.

Uncountable secrets.

One murderer.

One question.

Who killed Vera Kane?

what a tangled string of Christmas lights we weave (Rated T) [Linctavia]

Written by @thelittlefanpire for @reggieshamster. The four assigned tropes were: (1) Royalty AU, (2) Cyrano AU, (3) Characters fall and end up landing on top of each other and have a “moment”, and (4) Hair brushing and/or braiding.

Summary: When the royal family loses their beloved Prince Wells, the future king of Arkadia, all eyes are on them. The Queen remains as stoic as ever, the Spare grapples with his new responsibilities, the Princess drowns in her grief, and the King is threatening to abolish the monarchy forever.

At Christmastime, as tensions in the palace rise with the vicious tabloids outside, the royal family makes an escape to a castle in the mountains, hoping to find solace and reconcile with their loss.

Princess Octavia will try to mend her broken heart back together as she becomes entranced with the letters sent back and forth between herself and another. But when it’s revealed who the true penman is, will she rise above her sorrow or sink further into it?

—————————————————————————

Take a read! Leave a kudos/comment! Our Tropesters worked so hard on creating some unique, festive fun fics from all the amazing tropes that were sent in. Thanks again!

[dearbunbun]

New Beginnings...

I never knew what failure sounded like but now I know all of its pitch and frequency. They always say “Learn from your mistakes”, “You will do better next time”, “Its not your fault”. But what if its not a mistake because mistake occurs only one time and I repeated it? What if it was the next time? What if it was my own fault? I did all this to my own self and now I cant even let myself to be sad on y failure. I brought this upon myself. But I am completely lost right now. There is not even a road present so how can I have a direction? I was not able to study for the entrance test into a medical college last year because I just cant! No matter how hard I tried to study and work hard, I was just unable to do it. I got 81% last year with only 1 month of study when I should have studied 3 months at least. Then I repeated a whole year, I mean 2021 for to study again and get into medical college because I am included in the toppers of my High school. Everybody’s eyes were on me. My teachers, my parents, my younger brothers, my uncles, my family, my friends, my everyone! But what I just did? I was not able to study at all. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how much I prayed. No matter how much I motivated myself. No matter how much I reminded myself of the dread that will happen if I wont get into the medical college and be a doctor. Yet I couldn't make my self study even a day! I spend all of my 10 months including 2020 December, just reading books online. Till the last day before test I tried so hard to study but still couldn't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I ruined everything including myself with all the expectations and my parent’s dream. Its 81% again this year but my parents and everyone believes I studied hard but bad luck got me. But they don't know I lied to them. I didn't studied at all. Because I couldn't study at all. I spend more than a year in my room. I didn't leave my room and house for almost 2 years excluding the grocery shopping I went with my mom and to the trip to my hometown 2 days prior to the exam this year because my grandmother passed away 2 days before my exam and I was devastated. I loved her a lot. All in all, I ruined myself. My 2 precious life years just spent in home. I remember last year when I wanted to get admission in College for any subject, my parents yelled and scolded so much that I want admission because I am finding ways to not do the exam for the medical exam. And i seriously don't know what is wrong with me? Since my childhood everyone taught me to be a doctor but still Why? Why I couldn't made myself study to this if it was my life long motto? I am so confused why I did that? Why I spend my whole year without studying but still giving the exam? Why I cant make myself clear that I don't want to go there. I think I subconsciously did all that but why? Because I know very well I still wont be able to choose my major in college too? I am so stupid and a looser who cant even understand one’s oneself. I didn't even cried. But I cried today. When the merit list for Microbiology appeared online and I was in the waiting list. I cried today because I found myself lost today. I cried today because I disappointed my parents for the third time in the span of 11 months when I spend my whole life since kindergarten making them proud. I cried today because I don't know what to do anymore. I cried today while writing this. I wanted to become a therapist because I wanted to help others and make their life less painful because there is no one for me. But my parents didn't let me do that just like they imposed my brain since childhood that “ You will become a doctor. work hard”. I have no choice in my life nor had but still I worked hard to make my parents proud but I couldn't work hard for this exam, why? I sometime think I am lazy and don't want to just study but I am not like this at all. I was always in top3 positions since forever. I don't like teaching. That's why I chose Plant Biodiversity and Geology as one of my major in college but my dad said they are stupid subjects. You will do only teaching n future so take the subjects who have scope in teaching and he very well knows I don't like speaking much. He chose Microbiology for me and now again I failed them because I appeared in the waiting list on 108 number when it closed on 90th seat. Still I will be able to get admission there because many people leave those seats and I will be in Microbiology. Classes will start from 22nd. I am so lost. I will start studying the subject I have zero interest in. But I know I will get the Gold medal because I don't want to fail my mother again. I want my parents to be be proud of me. I know I will live a life didn't thought nor I dreamt off. But Ii want to ace it to not be a failure of a person anymore. But these 2 years are the worst year of my life. Its still a mystery for me why I wasn't able to study when I always studied my whole life. I will start living a life I didn't wanted but gradually I will make this life just for me. I believe God will help me, I believe him. If all this happened, there must be a reason behind which I cant comprehend. So, I will do all I can to change the failure of a person I am. I didn't chose this but I sure will make this for myself onwards. My mother supports me so much but that's what I regret the most because I don't deserve to be supported now by the lies I told her. That's why I will do all in power to take that gold medal for her. My dad on the other hand is ready to disown me. My life turned a whole 180. If someone told my 3 years old me that I will be studying Microbiology and will be in waiting list to get the admission because I was not able to get good marks for the medical school. She would have laughed at you. We don't know what happens next and that's what is motivating me right now because we literally don't know what happens next and I want to believe and move forward. Leave the past and move forward. I hope this year ends with a slightly happier me.  I am lost right now but still I am fighting to discover the road so I may find a direction. Never stop.

                                                                                                      ~Dearbun

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Once upon a virus...

China: We discovered a new virus. America: So what? China: It's Dangerous America: It's only a Flu China: Wear a Mask America: Don't wear a Mask

So I got this from a good friend who is a US military veteran (special forces no less) and one of the most brave, loyal, decent, and kind hearted friends one could have. He made my tour in Afghanistan more bearable as we shared more than a few laughs during our down time. He added the following words: 

----------------------------------------------------

“This is a tweet from Xinhua News Service, the official state news service of the People’s Republic of China. 

It is important to say that China handled the outbreak of COVID19 far from perfectly. As we all now know, during critical weeks in late December and early January, they muzzled their own scientists and doctors who were trying to raise the alarm within the city fo Wuhan. They were also at best slow in late December and early January to clearly communicate to the world that there was clear evidence of human to human transmission.

It’s not clear to me how much of this was bureaucratic inertia in a crisis versus an authoritarian political culture resisting coming clean about a terrible situation. At least from a distance the big picture seems like there were early efforts to deny, to control the situation and control the information in ways that slowed the response. But it was clear something pretty bad was going on by end of December and in early January. Big picture it took about four weeks between no one in the world knowing there was a bad new virus in the human population to decoding it and disseminating the critical information around the globe.

It is certainly self-serving from the Chinese perspective. But big picture, good lord, pretty much completely guilty as charged. China initially bobbled the outbreak, had a major crisis. They mobilized. They shared information with the world. They mounted a massive, historic containment effort, built whole hospitals in a matter of days. The US hung back and did a mix of ignoring it or talking down to the Chinese. Look how they wear masks! Haha. Masks don’t work. Whether poo-pooing or derision the big message was that this didn’t have anything to do with us. Or it was a hoax. Until we had our own catastrophic outbreak and then suddenly you didn’t tell us! You hid the truth from us! You will pay the price! Also please send us masks! We really need masks! Please!

There are moments of overplay. I don’t think we said hospitals were concentration camps. If anything this seems like an allusion to quite legitimate criticisms of Chinese policy in Xinjiang where the central government is using reeducation camps to denationalize the region’s ethnic Uyghur population.

But that’s a different topic.

Most importantly, it’s not about China, which is an authoritarian and repressive government. It’s about us. On COVID19 we are not only suffering horribly. We are also a joke. “We” is doing a lot of work here. “We” is really our national government, the Trump administration. But for the moment it’s the only national government we have and it’s calling the shots. As the closing puts it “Gosh!! Just listen to yourself.” Perhaps most tellingly, with perhaps the greatest longterm repercussions, the Trump administration has failed so badly, so accurately modeled the behavior of five year olds that we’ve gone a decent way toward discrediting the model of civic democracy and the rule of law we should be supporting at home and around the world. We’ve done about as good a job as one could imagine telling the story that maybe the authoritarians just handle things better.

It’s embarrassing. We’re an embarrassment.”

-----------------------------------------------------

I would add we in Europe have fared relatively better than the US - and I pray it continues - but there were obvious leadership failures in handling the Covid 19 pandemic. One or two like President Macron have publicaly gone on television to admit they failed to take prompt action and instead obfuscate but others have passed the buck as all politicians are wont to do.

There will be a time for a proper postmortem on who dropped the ball that could have saved lives and how far China’s own culpability went. But I for one just want family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, and everyone else to get through this safe and sound before we are properly prepared at every level of society to face the next pandemic crisis on the horizon. And it will come.

[itsaftermath]

I was doing a hard battle in 2020

Breakups

Disappointments

Loneliness

Unfinished fatigue for months

That makes me truly a different me if it is compared to the previous year

I am truly tired to live a life

Until I grumble that I feel like have been living for 4 years but it turns out it just still 2020 and my age is still moving from 23 to 24, not 27

I gave up on the rest of 2020 since the end of August /cried in a cafe for 2 hours by myself/, that was the moment that feels like “2020 is totally a damn full-of-shit year, I surrendered for the rest and wont planning as much as I do before, I wont feel the disappointment anymore, I dont believe in 2020 will bring me a good, happy, and meaningful life. I am totally exhausted and I am enough with it!” /leaving the room and slam the door/

And here we now at November, I am lying on my bed because the bone pain that I suffer and makes me weaker, dizzy head, slow walks and movements. But I am not sad, I fully accept 2020 is pathetic and I live with it, so ya, that’s ok :)

Around 2 weeks ago, my body got a very high fever, bone pain, limp, and dizzy head. It was bad till I didnt have power to stand up when I did my Subuh prayer. I did my bedrest, blood testing, and even swab!

I am tested negative for covid but my trombosit was just 78 with a very low leukocytes and positive for its widal (means I have typhoid). And finally I am being hospitalized. The situation was not good to ask my parent’s help. I have to take care of them for not going to the hospital as it is a red zone. So that time, I went to the

hospital all by myself

staying in hospital all by myself

come home all by myself

🙃

(until I thought “does my parents really love me? I found no worries on them during my sickness :’ >>> but actually yes they care but they keep doing their daily activities until no one knows around our home that I was being hospitalized lol my neighbors also wonder)

BUT, I ALSO FOUND MYSELF STILL DOING GREAT DURING THIS SHIT TIME!

I checked all of my resolutions (I only make 3 and all are checked before the year ends!) , I keep running business and it is muchhhh better than previous year (yay!), I prayed to go to a (only one dude) country abroad, and I did 3 with super amazing experiences and fully funded from a prestigious organization! (wow) and I succeed to make a progress on my master degree plan (succeed to apply for Chevening in the middle of my bad sickness 🤯 dude, how can i do that?)

I am super proud of myself until I want to make a photo of me hugging me lol. I might be have a ‘give up’ mentality but I AM TRULY APPRECIATE MYSELF.

I found myself a lot. I found my characters a lot. I found that I am a not-really-that-give-up girl (found out I CAN NOT really give up on what I believe until my core aka masih suka gatel daftar2 program pengembangan bisnis pdhl katanya capek(?) wkwk)

So, I plan to thank myself on my birthday that coming next December, I have a plan to give a gift to myself, make a thankful birthday party with my closest friends or even the people and children in my village, and be happy to become who I am today.

I feel sooo relieved - I love the people that truly care of me during my lowest point (bapak-ibu-keluarga inti-best friends) - I got tons of love from them and I want to show my love to them too.

I realized that I have been so mean for myself for years - less appreciate myself - forcing too hard - didnt care on my body’s limit. Its okay to face failures, it is the life everyone is facing, no need to worry a lot.

Last but not least, thank you Desy for doing awesome! I love you the bone!