#i portray it very much as fear of rejection

[devourcr]

when it comes to armand's amc verse, i portray him as having wanted to turn daniel from the moment he arrives in dubai/if not beforehand.

because my portrayal includes the 12 years of devils minion happening in the past ( this can be changed based on other amc!daniels, i won't force it on anyone), he already has strong feelings.

i respect it if there are daniel's that don't want that history. and in that case, armand probably just obsessively watched him from the sidelines, followed his career, and his relationships, etc. something about daniel changes his fucking brain chemistry.

when it comes to breaking traumatic or abusive cycles, armand does not break them. except for when it comes to making another vampire. he would rather die than make another, he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy, etc. if he wouldn't do it to his worst enemy, i can't see him doing it out of spite.

but eventually, the thought of seeing daniel die, the idea of going on in a world where daniel doesn't exist is too painful and armand caves.

[bloodashre]

Sorry to ruin the movie magic for some of you, but it's extremely unlikely that the shots of The Kiss are edited to be longer. Like, a million to one.

How do I know? I'm in school for filmmaking, so I'll share a bit with you.

1. The first reason is the most important. It is very difficult to edit a shot to be longer (and almost never done, especially by professionals) and not have it be obvious. It is painfully obvious, particularly to other filmmakers, when someone does actually do this. I can almost guarantee that if this had happened, other filmmakers in the industry most certainly would have called them out for it. I've personally watched the scene literally thousands of times (I'm not exaggerating) and in my semi-professional opinion (yes, I've already made my own films, though I haven't been paid for any of my work yet), it's not edited to be longer.

2. Nearly as important and launching off the above, it's much more likely - and more easily and actually often done - that it's edited to be shorter.

Additionally, there's no reason to think it would be edited to be longer when it comes to the story. It's unnecessary. The reason it looks so awkward to solve of you is because - newsflash - it IS awkward! It's meant to be awkward!

Aziraphale is caught off guard, during a moment of being about to break down, crying, in the midst of an argument. He was just rejected. He's potentially thought about this moment so many times. It is possible he thought The Metatron was threatening Crowley, which just happened only a few minutes ago! And lastly, there's literally thousands of years of feelings that haven't been spoken aloud - at least not properly, depending which theory you follow.

And there's even more depending which theories you subscribe to that support this even further.

And then, there's the fact that, at least for a moment, he kisses him back. He goes from being surprised, to resistance, to acceptance, to reciprocation, to rejection in a matter of less than 30 freaking seconds - while also portraying all the unspokenness, uncertainty, and fear of 6000 years, as well as a possible threat AND rejection of Crowley refusing to come with him ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

It's so awkward and complicated and terrible - and yet also wonderful - and Michael Sheen is honestly a fucking MASTER for the amount of emotions he's able to portray in such an insanely small amount of time. Please please PLEASE don't reduce his abilities and the beauty of the story to editing some bullshit that any filmmaker with any actual integrity would never do.

[acey-wacey]

Good morning!!! Congrats for hitting 2000 followers, I think you really deserve it! Also, I'm really glad that you've returned! I've been following your blog ever since last year, when I found your "Love Rivals" and "Meeting your future children", I really like how you portray the twst characters in your writings! There are times where I smiled For the 2000 milestone event, could I please request Idia with Lavender (Mind Reading)? You know how Idia usually think lowly himself, right? What if Idia has feelings for reader, yet he doesn't take action because of his low self-esteem/fear of rejection, but when Idia got in a potion accident where he can temporarily read minds, all he can hear from reader's mind are praises and thoughts of infatuation/admiration about him.

So that's the general idea of it, the rest is up to you. Also, I don't mind if you'll make a few changes here and there. That's all, thank you and have a nice day!

This is so cute! Thank you for hanging around so long!

I may have niche-video-game-referenced my way a little too close to the sun with this one. Hopefully, it makes sense to somebody.

...

Pairing - Idia Shroud x Reader

Prompt - Mind Reader

...

"Tuna, tuna, tuna, tuna, tuna, tuna, tuna, tuna..."

It has been 40 minutes since Idia had gained his powers of telepathy and already he wanted them gone. Grim hadn't had a single thought the entire class except a dumb song he made up about tuna.

The whole thing had been Grim's fault really. The mischievous cat had run away from you and invaded the 3rd year alchemy room. And of course he ran right into Idia just as the upperclassman was adding ground eye of newt to his animal comprehension potion, causing the vial to smash all over him.

You had apologized profusely and tried to wrangle Grim back to your classroom, but Crewel made you miss your class and clean all the dirty cauldrons as punishment, thus why Idia couldn't stop hearing Grim's

Everyone else went on with making their potion, but unfortunately for Idia and his tendency to get overstimulated, he could hear the immediate thoughts of every person in the classroom. He had been trying and failing to pay attention to the lesson due to the crazy noise. Serves him right for daring to venture outside his room.

"I think I put too much nightshade."

"When's lunch again?"

"Sevens, he's pretty."

Idia perked up in his seat. That last one was your voice. He looked over to where you were scrubbing grime off the rim of a black cauldron. Much to his surprise, he made eye contact with you. You looked away so fast, he almost thought he imagined it in the first place.

"Shoot, I hope he didn't catch me staring," you thought. Idia could see the embarrassment in your face now that he knew what he was looking for. He didn't know who was standing behind him, but whoever the guy was was maxed out in luck to get the prefect to like him.

Idia turned back to his cauldron and began to stir lethargically. He tried to block out the noise coming from everyone's thoughts but it was getting very loud. He just wanted to be back in his room playing video games!

"His little pout is so cute! Poor thing, he probably wishes he was back in his room," you thought. Idia's brows furrowed as he subtly looked around the classroom trying to find the person you were thinking about. "I wonder what he's looking for."

Idia snapped back to look at you, only to find you glancing at him again. This time, you were startled but you held his gaze and offered a hesitant wave.

Idia turned his face away as fast as he could so you wouldn't see the growing blush on his face.

"Hm, his hair is turning pink on the ends. I hope he's not mad at me for staring at him," you thought, turning back to the cauldron you were working on. "Though if he doesn't want me to look at him, maybe he should try being less nice to look at."

Idia let out an involuntary squeak. He felt his head start to swim and quickly sat down on a nearby stool. He was sure he looked absolutely crazy to the other students but he was so preoccupied by your thoughts that were apparently about him.

"Is that shallow of me to think that? I don't know. I mean, I don't like him just because he's cute. I also love listening to him talk about games he likes and his inventions are crazy awesome!"

Idia pulled himself deeper into his jacket. Your gaze had been fixed firmly on your work for fear of being caught staring again, so you didn't notice Idia's rapidly increasing fluster meter.

"I like how sweet he is to Ortho, even though he kind of hates everyone else." You sounded kind of defeated when you thought that, or at least you would if your thoughts sounded like anything. "He probably hates me too. I am just another normie. Though I don't know if he co-ops Untitled Goose Game with just anyone."

"No! I don't!" he wanted to scream, but he couldn't get a single sound out of his mouth. He thought he was the self-deprecating one, but you seemed to have convinced yourself that the boy who had a big fat, very obvious crush on you hated you. He even let you play the blue switch controller even though it was his favorite.

"I do wish he would stop being so mean to himself though," you thought, more sincere than Idia expected. "He's so amazing, but refuses to believe anything nice I or Ortho say to him. Maybe if he read my mind, he'd know I'm being sincere."

Idia froze. Did you know about the potion? Had you been messing with him the whole time?

"Well, that little brat better believe me when I tell him I love him even if I have to beat it into him with a Wii remote tennis racket attachment," you thought with a playful vengeance. "Do you hear that, Idia Shroud? I'm gonna make you believe nice things about yourself no matter how many niche video games references it takes!"

That was the moment you decided to glance at Idia, downright shocked when you found him curled up inside his hoodie on a stool with bright pink hair poking out the top.

"Idia, are you okay?" you asked. When he didn't respond, you went up to him and brought your face down to where his would be if you could see it. "Hey, are you alright?"

He jumped, almost falling off the chair.

"You actually said that?" he looked stunned which confused you.

"Yes?" you offered, unsure what he was talking about. "I did just say it."

"Uh, um, I'm, uh, fine," Idia tried to smile at you but it came off more pained than reassuring.

"I don't believe you. What's the matter? Is it too loud in here?" you asked.

"Shame he's always hiding his face. His blush is so adorable!"

"Yes!" Idia shrieked frantically, catching the attention of a few nearby students. "It's too loud. I can't think."

You nodded empathetically.

"You wanna step out for a minute?" you offered, gesturing to the door with a nod of your head. Idia nodded, desperate to get away. It really was very loud, especially with everyone's thoughts flooding his brain. Your seemingly-harmless sweet nothings were only the final nail in his coffin.

You followed Idia out of the room and shut the door behind you.

"Won't Professor Crewel get mad?"

You scoffed.

"Not a single teacher at this school gets to get mad at me after everything I've done," you leaned against the wall with a calming smile. "And if they do, they'll answer to the ghosts that live in my house."

That made Idia chuckle. You lit up seeing a smile on his face, no matter how minute.

"I love seeing you smile. If only I could be the reason more often."

"You're pretty much the only reason," Idia mumbled. Your easy smile dropped.

"What did you say?"

"What?" Idia averted his eyes, his mind filling with panic. "I didn't say anything."

"No, no, you said 'you're pretty much the only reason'," you questioned, your eyes full of confusion and shock. "That sounded like... I don't know, I was thinking something and then you said that and it sounded like..."

You squinted in confusion before scoffing at yourself and relaxing.

"That's stupid, Y/N. He can't read your mind."

"Actually, I can?" Idia squeaked, his voice getting higher with every word. Your eyes widened.

"Idia," you said solemnly, standing dead still.

"Mm-hm?"

"You can read my mind."

"Well, not usually, but there was a thing with a potion and it was with Grim and it messed with my head and now I can read minds and it's actually really loud but mostly I'm just nervous because of the stuff you've been thinking and I'm just really..."

You held up a hand to silence Idia's rapid rambling. He looked away sheepishly. You sighed and blinked a few times to process before laughing. Idia looked up in confusion.

"Aren't you mad?" he asked hesitantly. "I violated your privacy."

"I mean, you saved me the time of confessing to you myself," you chuckled, a giddy smile on your face.

Idia stared at you, trying to find traces of joking but you seemed to be serious.

"You aren't mad?"

"I'm in love with you is what I am."

[paganminiskirt]

I also love how Vegito and Gogeta are not only distinctly different beings, and the former is conducted primarily by Vegeta while the latter is conducted primarily by Goku - but Vegito is clearly the more benevolent and emotionally involved of the two people, while Gogeta tends more towards frigidity and vindictiveness. Because as individuals, Vegeta’s “good side” is just as subliminal and rare to witness as Goku’s “bad side,” right; Vegeta is not a nice man by nature, and Goku doesn’t have a grudge holding bone in his body. Goku’s lack of any impulse towards vengeance is the only reason Vegeta is still breathing. This is well established.

But when Vegeta is shown to care for other people, it always manifests as him lashing out in defense of them against some greater source of cruelty - he gets pissed at Beerus for humiliating his father, he attacks Beerus for hurting Bulma, he freaks out on Cell for killing Future Trunks & knocks Present Trunks out immediately after hugging him for the first time, because he knows his son would insist on staying with him through his kamikaze attempt on Buu. Because Trunks is like that. Because Trunks is his son.

And Vegito takes that principle and drags it out to the extreme! The whole first fight with Buu is just him playing this sadistic cat and mouse game, very much in the arrogant style of Vegeta, but he also makes constant mention of the loss of Gohan, Goten, Trunks and the others - using the language of “stealing” “hunting” and “kidnapping” that brings to mind Vegeta’s own childhood trauma. He displays some aspects of Goku’s personality of course, with the playfulness and the attempts to get Buu to surrender, but Vegeta is obviously steering this ship. It’s his confidence and self-superiority that makes them lose the fight, and his belief in the necessity of a warrior’s “pride” that he explicitly cites as his reason for looking down on Buu.

Because this is what Vegeta’s attempts at “good” look like, right? Preternaturally violent and egotistical, but with a sense of protectiveness and paternity that renders his behavior heartwarming, at least enough to show you that he’s grown from the smirking, bloodthirsty garden gnome he was first introduced to us as. Underneath all the bravado, Vegito is aggrieved on behalf of someone else. He’s being kind in the only way he knows how.

Gogeta… is not that guy. He doesn’t do rescue missions, and he doesn’t feel the need to remind you of his superiority. He portrays himself as an avenger, not a defender, with lines that evoke a sense of justice and consequence like “it’s over, I’ve come for you” and “your own bad energy will be your undoing.” He snidely tells Frieza he’s coming back for him after he’s done with Broly, even though he’s visibly incapacitated and not really picking a fight. He forgoes Vegito’s up-close and relatively simple combat style in favor of these dramatic, wide-ranging attacks, more like an act of god than a natural disaster. And while Vegito allowed Buu to play with him a bit, postponing the end of the fight to sate his own lust for battle, Broly doesn’t even get to touch Gogeta once he goes super saiyan, his dedication to the pursuit reminding you of Goku’s final battle with Frieza.

…Except Goku offered Frieza clemency, and looked genuinely disappointed when he rejected it. Gogeta does no such thing. The audience gets to watch, half in awe and half in horror, as he renders this uber-aggressive Saiyan attack dog into a flailing, incoherent mess, not bothering to stop and ask him to surrender even though the updated Broly is a much more sympathetic character than Frieza or Majin Buu ever were. He enunciates the final kamehameha with such gravitas that you actually feel scared for Broly - and in the older movie, when Janemba switches back to his original form, he takes one look at Gogeta’s glowering face and scurries away in terror.

Hey, remember how Gohan fled in fear when Goku (under extreme duress) threatened him during the fight with Frieza? After he transformed into a super saiyan for the first time, guided only by mindless rage after Frieza’s pointless killing of Krillin? During a fight which only began after Vegeta, someone who caused him immeasurable harm in the past, told him to avenge the killing of both their families & the genocide of their race? All of which took place on a planet which the earthlings only had to travel to in the first place because the Saiyans killed several of their friends - a slaughter which Goku witnessed the aftermath of, at which point he told Nappa “there will be no mercy for you, you bastard” in the original manga?

Goku gets slotted into this role quite a lot, doesn’t he. He’s a protector, but also a savior, a planner, a consoler, and an avenger. He does his best to help people and he raises hell when he can’t, but he’s not vengeful by nature. Quite the opposite. See how he treats Vegeta in the Namek saga, smiling at him and bantering with him like he’s a coworker, and not the guy who crushed his bones to dust while cackling with sadistic delight.

But that’s because Vegeta only did that much damage to him. Nappa killed all the others - with Vegeta’s eager permission, yes, but that’s still enough distance to allow Goku to psychologically seperate him from those crimes. Goku’s clemency initially emerged as a byproduct of his desire to help people, but we have seen that same drive give way to brutal punitiveness when he fails, and somebody he loves dies. You can argue that it's misdirected self-hatred, anger at his own inability to be the hero those people trusted him to be - Krillin died screaming “Goku!” you might recall. The removal from other people Goku grew up enduring feeds into his sense of responsibility for the community that grew around him as an adult. He knows how important he is, and it hurts when he comes up short.

And I think that, understanding Gogeta to be primarily led by Goku but still notably impacted by Vegeta, that intense drive towards retribution the fusion displays takes on more meaning. Vegito exemplifies Vegeta’s better impulses, which are brought out in full force by Goku’s influence - Gogeta exemplifies Goku’s ugliest inner desires, with the leash he usually keeps them on loosened by Vegeta’s influence.

Because Vegeta was knocking down 100+ sentient creatures per day as soon as he could walk. He spent most of his adult life as a pampered slave, he murdered one of his oldest companions without a second thought, his introductory panel shows him munching on a severed limb, ffs. Vegeta has been through a lot, and I'm the last person to downplay that, but he hasn’t been going through it emotionally involved. He's used to this. He had to be. If he wasn't, his whole psyche would've collapsed by age twelve tops.

But Goku? Goku had to do all of that with his feelings turned on! And he chooses to remain steadfastly good and give second chances no matter how bad the situation, and that’s a healthy enough way of dealing with all this horror. But a side effect of being guided by that choice is the knowledge that he could be worse, he could be crueler. He’s a lot like Gohan, in that sense.

And Vegeta used his dying breaths to beg Goku to abandon that long-abiding impulse to show mercy. Goku might believe in forgiveness, and he might’ve let Vegeta go because of that belief, but Vegeta is a stubborn little bastard. He thinks that it’s holding him back, allowing people to slip through the cracks; to get hurt. And we’ve established that these two are both capable of misdirecting self-anger at others, though Vegeta does it much more often than Goku.

So when Goku’s mind is merged with Vegeta’s, and he’s forced to look back on his decisions to allow horrible people to live not with pride, but with regret and disgust, it manifests as Gogeta. A walking overcorrection, the sentient reconciliation of these two belief systems. Who doesn’t forgive and doesn’t forget, self-assured and bitter and terrifying, like Goku was for the first twenty seconds after he went Super Saiyan. Like he always told himself he wouldn’t be.

[morphids]

surrender to the sea, hange zoë

pairing: pirate captain!hange x noble!reader, they/them pronouns used for hange with afab anatomy for both

summary: your father’s shady business deals with a pirate crew lead to collateral damage.

warnings: kidnapping, pwp, explicit sexual content 18+, minors dni (consensual no dubcon here), poc friendly!! hange is a freak, r is SO down bad (same), r is dissatisfied w her life, tension, acc insane executions of gay panic, theres so much exposition before the smut im so sorry bear with me, cunnilingus, fingering, general filthiness — enjoy.

wc: 8.8k, sorry i cant stop yapping.

a.n : listen i tried to stop myself but im weak to my own devil thoughts ok hange worshippers wya

—

Jolting, you sat up in your bed, awakened from slumber by a whipping crash, followed by splintered glass cracking on the hardwood floors of your quarters.

Heart thumping in your ears from the shock, your head instinctively turned towards the shattered window, where the translucent fabric of the curtains were being dragged out with the cool night’s wind. Brows furrowing, your gaze turned to a small, thick object on the floor, illuminated by hints of moonlight, presumably the very cause of the shattering.

You felt an odd feeling, something in the wind warning you that you weren’t alone, you looked over your room, checking for anything out of order. There was nothing out of place, it wasn’t until your second skim over the room that you saw it. A shadow in the darkest corner, the corner where light barely hit it, something to do with the measurements of the architecture, you’d been told. It was there though, undeniably.

“Who are you?” You spoke, shakily, loud against the otherwise still atmosphere, your voice caused a small laugh to come from the unknown shadow.

“That’s your first question?” They spoke, an air of condescension about them.

“I should like to know the identity of the person who has broken into my quarters,” You steeled your voice, trying to portray an image of fearlessness though you were betrayed by the slight tremor in your hands as they clutched onto the bedsheets for any hope of comfort, “May you at least come out from the shadows?” Your fear was definitely betrayed then, as the person stepped forward, the light now casting shadows over their features.

You looked them over, noticing a slight reflection from the glass in their spectacles, a black band covering one quarter of their face, obscuring the right eye. You shook, this was no person from court, maybe not even from this city. Their hardened features, accessories and strange attire placing them from somewhere else entirely. Who is this stranger? What business have they with you?

You find yourself lacking words, having been woken up in such a way was causing a lack of signals to be sent to and from the brain. You were just staring at them, stunned to silence.

“No more questions, huh?”

“I-I just, am confused,” You responded, blinking away tears that formed as you truly grasped the situation you were in, and anything that could happen from here.

“Well, let me explain then,” they shrugged, “You’re coming with me,”

You ogled, “Coming with you, where exactly?”

“As it turns out, daughters are the best way to get a man to pay up,” They chuckled, you didn’t like the implications of this, at all. What did this have to do with your father? Last you had spoken to him, he was furious at you, having been ‘disrespectful’ to one of the countless suitors he had tried arranging for you. You don’t know why he still bothered; every time each one of the suitors had travelled and began any attempts at courting you, you’d reject them.

“I hope you know I’m not going to marry you,” you’d said to one of them, once. You could almost laugh at the gears turning inside their heads as they looked at you as if you were an entity. You’d add in a couple of comments here and there about how their attempts were foolish and in vain, how they coat their dark intentions behind sweet words and promises. You could always see through them. Plus, it was hard to deny the entertainment you’d get from seeing their flustered faces, set on denying all accusations whilst having no actual defence, before huffing and wandering away, not before having words with your father about how they would never marry such a disobedient and insolent woman. Was this your father trying to teach you a lesson? No. That doesn’t feel right, they emphasised paying up. Pay for what? You wondered, had your father been up to something?

“Unfortunately, that makes you collateral,” they paused, looking down as they adjusted the sword that was clinging onto their side, sheathed away, for now. You hadn’t even noticed it before, shuddering as you realised you were completely defenceless. Not a weapon nearby you could use, even if there was, you wouldn’t be able to formulate an attack, regardless. “So, you’d better listen to what I say, and come with me,”

After a beat, with no response, they continued, “I will only ask nicely once, princess,” Sighing as one hand moved to their hip, the other remained on the hilt of their sword, “I’d prefer to do this cordially, if you wanna make it ugly, that’s your choice.”

You blinked, truly at a loss, what the fuck was happening?

“If I go with you, will you tell me what’s going on?” You hated the way that sounded on your tongue, so helpless and lost— a feeling you resented, pride dissipating and crumbling into a tiny speck.

“You have to come with me to find out,”

—

Wood creaked beneath your feet, steps hesitant as the stranger escorted you along the way, your vision totally blinded as they had wrapped a cloth around your eyes. Closing your senses from the rest of the world, all you could do was rely on the sounds of hectic chatter and sea waves, a salty scent around you.

You’d been walking for what felt like miles, but your manor wasn’t too far away from the sea, that stretched out to meet a vast ocean, the only connection between your country and any others. You knew you had been taken to the coast, based on the cries of seagulls and the humming water.

The stranger’s hand was placed on the lower of your back, guiding you, as well as deterring you from any sudden moves. You probably would’ve tried to run away from them, were it not for the clang of metal that was attached to the stranger’s hip.

“Can you at least tell me your name?”

“I think you’re confused on our roles here, sweetheart,” They chuckled, “You don’t get to order me around,” They added a slight push at your back, emphasising the fact that they hold all the cards, whilst you’re just leverage. That was the only part of this you understood.

Sighing, you sneered your lip. You were starting to get pissed off, this stranger completely disrupted your sleep, blindfolded you, is kidnapping you, and you still have no clue as to why. You needed answers.

Your steps came to a halt, when you felt the stranger press you forward to nudge you, you hardened your legs to the ground.

“I’m not continuing,” A pause, “You said you wanted to do this cordially, then tell me your name,”

The stranger sighed, you could almost hear the roll in their eyes, “Look, we’re almost here, okay?”

“Just a few more steps and then I’ll tell you,”

Another nudge at your back, along with a hand meeting yours, “Watch ya step,” They spoke, guiding you up what felt like a ramp, their hand leading you.

A door slammed behind you, the stranger removed their hands and disappeared for a short time before you felt them behind you again, fingers untying the knotted cloth. You let out a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down. Were they going to kill you?

Your eyes felt slightly raw after being covered so tightly for that long, after you adjusted to the air and light around you, you could take in your surroundings.

The room was slightly dimmed, lighted only by a few oil lamps that burned away in their designated corners, you noticed countless jars on the shelves, preserving different sea creatures and other things you could not recognise. Notes and maps were scattered all over the floor and the desks, piles of books, rustic and handmade, but neat and organised— in its own way. This was the room of someone who studied and researched, you could recognise the frantic illustrations immediately, could feel the passion that lingered in the room.

The stranger moved in front of you, “You just gonna stare?” Your eyes took them in now, fully in vision this time, with no more shadows to hide behind, no more cloth. Their eyes were a soft, dark brown, layers of hair falling over the sides of their face, the tips rimmed with leftover structure from saltwater. Strong jawline and a strong nose, their glasses sat atop the bridge, leaning down slightly, the black band you noticed before still covering their eye. Their attire consisted of a loose black, long-sleeved shirt, a large slit down the chest area, not tied with the laces, allowing you to see the vast black strings with pendants that made up the necklaces wrapped around their neck. You recognised it as a shirt that was traditionally stitched for men, though they certainly looked much better in it than any man could. Loose black pants which emphasised their slender waist, with dark long boots, you could see scuffing on the edges of them from wear, the laces splitting from frequent tying. You let out a sigh, before speaking.

“Who are you?”

“My name is Hange,”

“You’re not from this land,” You say, “You’re a person of the sea,”

Hange hummed, their hand meeting their hip once again.

“Are you going to kill me?”

They let out a laugh, one so inappropriate it almost made you feel stupid, “Sweetheart, if I was going to kill you, d’you think I’d have taken you here?”

“Well, it would’ve been foolish to kill me in my quarters,”

“Leverage needs to be alive to be worthwhile, that’s the whole point,” The way they spoke unnerved you, with their charismatic words and smug voice. Hints of a smirk tugging at their lips.

“Where is ‘here’, anyway?” You didn’t feel stable, the floor rocked up and down slightly, your stomach turning a little as you adjusted to the slight weightlessness of the structure. “We’re on water, I can hear the waves,”

“Don’t worry, we haven’t set sail yet,” They walked over to their desk, moving around some papers, studying its contents, “There’s still business to tend to before we do,” In other words, your father.

You watched them, the way their sword clung and clanked against the hardwood of the desk, their tall stature almost reaching the short ceiling of the cabin, hand splayed on the desk for stability. Hair tied up at the back, with strands spilling out of their tie.

“What’s my purpose here?” Your arms crossed over your stomach, fingers grabbing at the sleeves of loose fabric of your nightdress, feeling vulnerable.

“Your father’s in some trouble,” They chuckled, your heart sank, “He owes me,”

“For what?”

“You sure ask a lot of questions, princess.”

“I’m not a princess,” you replied, voice tensing. “Do not address me as such,” Hange’s lips tilted, noticing your misgivings, the tense shoulders and a quip in your upper lip. Distaste. Interesting.

“Your father’s trying to make you one. Queen Consort, as I’ve heard,” Your brows furrowed.

“I do not follow,”

Hange looked up from their pages, gazing right at you. You tried swallowing, throat dry, as they hoisted themselves off the desk and stepped closer.

“He commissioned us, my crew,” Hange spoke, “To track and retrieve the Marleyan jewel.”

“I thought that was legend, an ancient myth of a mystical jewel, passed down from stories.”

“Oh, it’s very real, my lady.” You sighed, at least they were addressing you properly this time.

“And a very dangerous job, at that.” You stared at Hange, looking for any hints that this was just an elaborate joke. None were found, though. They were serious.

“I lost two good men, almost the rest of my crew for that buffoon,” They sighed, a flash of anger in their eyes, rubbing the skin of their jaw, “We retrieved this jewel, and your father tried to rob me blind, I want compensation.”

“Why would he go to those lengths? I do not understand,”

“For you, princess.”

When you did not answer, Hange continued, “Apparently this was his golden opportunity, get the long-desired jewel to gift the King an offering for your hand to the prince. Establish power and riches, and a good suitor for his daughter.”

Your stomach churned, you knew your father was adamant on marrying you off, but this? This was something different, sinister. You knew Hange was telling the truth, the intricacies of the story fell into place too well to be a lie.

Your father was truly a despicable man, hungry for power, and uncaring of those he stepped on to get to his station. Now you were paying for his greed. You think back to your mother, wishing she had outlived him, maybe you would be different, now.

“He cost me two men, our stock and supplies,” Hange pressed, shaking their head, “I can’t have that.”

“So you take me for ransom?”

“If he is not willing to pay up, I’m taking it upon myself to make him. One way or another, he will pay.”

Tears rimmed the ducts of your eyes, you blinked them away, a futile attempt to not show weakness. You know what that meant, either in physical currency or emotional currency, even if he cared little for you, he’d be paying with the loss of a guaranteed seat. To a man like that, that’s punishment enough. You chewed the corner of your lip, nerves eating you up.

“I can’t believe he’d do this,” You could actually, it was more the disbelief of how quickly your situation had changed, “All to marry me off to a disgusting man, be done with me whilst he sits comfortably,”

“You don’t wish to marry a handsome prince? Live a life of wealth and comfort?” Hange looked amused, almost perplexed that this was against your wishes.

“I wish for nothing of the sort,” You sneered, “I crave a life of my own choosing.”

Hange’s features softened, feeling a tug of pity before shutting the feeling down. They almost related to you, almost. Before reiterating to themselves that you were the same as all the other rich nobles. Wealthy and comfortable in your ostentatious manors, with even more ostentatious dresses, whilst the rest of the population suffered, starved and fought for dregs of burnt bread and half pints of spoiled milk. You were no different. No different.

“Careful, my lady, or I’ll sail this ship with you in it,”

You let out a saddened laugh, “Better than what he was planning for me,” You snuck a glance at the circular port window, watching as people were busying themselves with tasks. Filling up crates of fruits, dried fish, barrels of wine and weapons. You mulled for a second, it could be worse, Hange could’ve killed you at the first meet, or even worse, your father successfully got his hands on the jewel, and shipped you off to live a life with a prince who couldn’t even fold his own clothes, or bathe himself. You could visualise your father sitting back, smug and content as he finally got what he always wanted. Abundant wealth and power.

“I do not wish to stay here.” You said, voice more confident than it had been the entire time. Hange looked up at you, surprise taking over their features, “You may demand whatever compensation you require from my father, but…”

“When you set sail, I wish to come with.”

—

Hange had left the captain’s cabin for quite some time, leaving you inside alone as you couldn’t be allowed on the deck yet, not trusted to not do anything stupid yet. They had to check on a few of the crewmates first. You were an interesting character to say the least, Hange could tell you were stubborn, though that’s normal for a high-born, accustomed to making demands and having them realised. It was easy to imagine you not mixing well at court, with your disregard for hierarchy and noble customs. They almost laughed at your conviction when you said you wished to board the ship, of your own accord. The most determined glaze over your features. That was an unexpected oversight, Hange didn’t expect you to go so willingly. A part of them was relieved, content they didn’t need to make it bloodier than it had to be. They have morals, after all. Hurting an innocent woman would provide no respect amongst their crew, not when the real fish was the father.

The crew’s respect and admiration for the captain of the ship was of utmost importance, they need a leader they could trust and admire, it was easy enough to have mutiny on your hands. The ship was passed down to Hange from their father, but the trust and good dynamic of a solid crew, you have to earn yourself. Hange had established that respect from one of their first expeditions, under their confident lead the ordeal had been speedy and efficient. Hange ordered the rewards to be split and distributed as was deemed fair. With multiple feats over harsh waters and perilous expeditions, Hange had consistently proved themselves as a strong leader, they ran a tight ship and their crew meant everything to them.

*

You sat there in your silly nightdress, ennui eating at your brain as you sat, wishing you could change into something else. Arms wrapped around your legs, looking around as you waited. Deciding to get up, you looked around the room, it was rather nice, for what it was.

You walked up to the shelves, sea oddities neatly placed preserved in jars, with linen labels pinned underneath. You noticed various species, octopi, starfish, eels, crabs and lobsters, and other creatures you had never seen before in your books. There were also drawn illustrations of the anatomy, their organs and bone structure— did Hange do all this?

Your eyes trailed around, landing on the maps and compasses discarded around the tables and floor, with coded markings and notes around certain landmarks, sketches of what you assumed to be distant lands. Looking in awe, wandering at all the things you had never heard of, let alone seen before. Hange must be so knowledgeable, so well-travelled, so.. free. All the things you wished you could be.

Running your fingers over the maps, you jumped back into propriety as the cabin door swung open, Hange’s footsteps filling the room. They looked at you, having noticed your sudden switch in demeanour.

“You inspecting my collection, my lady?” Their back was to you, hanging their outer coat on one of the nail pegs that had been hammered into the wall.

“I’m sorry, I..” You looked down, “I was just curious,”

“It’s alright, I’m quite fond of it myself,” They joined you, standing to your side and looking at where you had been caught touching the delicate papers.

“You did all of this?”

“Is that so surprising?” They chuckled, crossing their arms over their chest. “No,” You paused, “I have just never seen anything quite like this,”

“There are many wonders out in the world, I like to keep note of them,” “For plundering?” You joked, too late to bite it back before it slipped out.

They laughed, “Not everything is to be plundered, sometimes it’s enough to just take it in and observe,”

You looked up at them, there was something you couldn’t quite place about them, yet. They were unlike the pirates you had read about or heard bedtime stories of as a child.

“The world has many corners of beauty, they’re deserving of respect and admiration." Agreeing, you pointed at the display of jars, thinking back to your own research on botany, categorized and illustrated, frowning as you realised it was all left behind. All those hours spent bending your neck under candlelight wasted. “I have a similar collection, pressings of flowers and plants- a little like yours, illustrations and marked under their specifications: edible, toxic, healing,"

Hange looked at you, "Sounds wonderful," unexpecting to have anything in common with someone of your stature, and yet, here they were. "It's all in my quarters, so I doubt I shall see it again," You breathed out, trying to not make it seem like a loss. Hange's gaze turned towards the floor, feeling slightly culpable that they had taken that away from you.

Straightening their back up, they moved back to their satchel, opening it wide and grabbing some folded clothing, jars with some clear liquid, slightly cloudy. Moonshine, you noted. Easier to distil your own rather than paying double for liquor.

“This is for you,” They hummed, holding out their hand waiting for you to walk over and grab them.

“What is it?”

“Provisions,” They shrugged, “And some clothes, we don’t have a lot aboard, but you can have my cast-offs, they were going to be left at the port anyway.”

You looked at them like they had grown seven heads, not expecting sudden kindness from someone who kidnapped you only a few hours ago.

“This where you say ‘thank you, Hange’.” There was the smugness again, an impish look on their features, you rolled your eyes you stepped closer.

Grabbing the items from them, “Thank you, Hange,” You felt meek, under their heavy gaze as you said their name for the first time. It felt strange hearing it from your own mouth, “Any longer in that nightdress and I probably would’ve thrown myself overboard,”

They laughed, “Don’t think you’ll prefer my clothes any more, truthfully, but if you’re going to stay here for now, might as well blend in.”

“Anything is better than this,” You ran your fingers over the fabric.

“Get dressed, it’s mealtime soon,” “You’re letting me eat?”

They looked at you strangely, “I’m not letting a person on my ship starve, I’m not barbaric,” They stated as if it was obvious, it might’ve been, but not to you.

“Thank you,”

Nodding, Hange left you to get changed. Giving you privacy as they shut the door behind them, you waited a few seconds before undressing. You weren’t accustomed to wearing pants, nobility requiring you to wear frilly dresses that cut off your circulation and itched at your neck and wrists, you were rather excited to adorn some comfortable cloth, for once.

As you manoeuvred the loose shirt over your limbs, you noticed a lingering musk of salt and sandalwood? It was rather pleasant, you would normally make your own scented oils and perfumes from boiled flower petals, lavender and honeysuckle, plants native to your country. This scent was uncommon, usually gifted to you at court from wealthy travellers. You lifted the fabric closer to you, inhaling, it truly was divine. Is this what Hange smells like? You couldn't honestly say you hated it.

Slipping your legs through the pants, they were a bit over your standard size, you tucked the wide bottoms into your own boots. You were glad you opted for your hunting boots rather than your daily shoes. Not quite sure that you had put everything on properly, as the fit felt odd. Looking down, everything felt slightly too big and made you feel like a child in adult’s clothing. Frowning you tried tucking in the shirt, though that didn’t really seem to help either.

There was a knock at the cabin door, “Are ya decent?”

The concept made you chuckle, Hange treated you with a lot more respect and propriety than some of the men at court.

“Yes.”

“Never had to knock on my own door before,” Hange joked, letting themselves in, gazing over at you in your fresh clothes. Their smile dropped ever so slightly as their eyes travelled over your new attire. Hange's poet blouse hanging on you, you had, of course, actually tied the laces at the chest, you were a Lady after all. Kinda suits you, they thought, before shrugging it away to hidden corners.

"Does it look alright? It's a little big," "You complaining?" You flustered, not wanting to come across as ungrateful, "Not at all, I-" "I'm messing with you, may I?"

When you nodded, they walked up closer to you, eyes unreadable. You stiffened up, back a little straighter when they brought their hands to the bottom of the blouse. Watching their movements hesitantly, Hange did not make contact with your eyes, they were so close to you. Catching that hint of sandalwood again, almost intoxicating as you honed your vision onto their hands. Looking for anything else to concentrate on, it didn’t help much as Hange focused on undoing the bottom three catches, revealing your uncovered abdomen. They grabbed at the two, now separate hangs of the shirt, your breath hitching when their fingers delicately grazed your bare skin, a minute jerk of your stomach as Hange began tying the fabric together so it fit tighter around your waist. So that was the trick to it, then? You must admit, it was an improvement.

You let out a heavy breath when they were done, and finally stepped away. It was harder to breathe when Hange was that close, you will not let that happen again. Feeling far too clouded upon their proximity, perhaps you were allergic to the fragrance, you reasoned.

“Better?” Their voice lowered, awaiting your judgment,

“Much, thank you.”

—

Mealtime came quickly after, you hadn't expected it to be so busy, or so populated. How many people does it take to effectively run a vessel of this size? Hange led you to the upper deck, evidently the largest space aboard, where mealtimes commonly occurred. A large pot of warm meat stew was being led out by a small woman from the galley, placed upon the floor as the crew grabbed portions as they pleased. Hange passed you a ceramic dish, before ladling a couple spoonfuls into your plate.

Thanking them, you looked around, spotting barely any dining tables or chairs, mainly stools or planks of wood nailed together to form a bench, most taken up by the sailors, as others sat themselves in the grooves on the ship deck, some on the rim of the ship itself. You shall not risk that, you thought, still adjusting to the feeling of a rocking vessel.

“You’re probably used to something more polished, but this is how we eat here,” Hange shrugged, “Try to enjoy the stew, Sasha truly works wonders with very little,”

“Landing at port was a godsend, I used fresh meat this time,” The brunette who brought out the food spoke, overhearing the conversation, who you assumed was Sasha. You stilled, this time? What about every other time, you thought, shuddering. Well, no time to adjust like the present. Sticking the spoon into the stew, you took a mouthful, before looking up at Hange in wonder, eyes wide, “This is delicious,”.

“Thank Sasha, she keeps us all standing,” Hange joked, placing a hand upon Sasha’s shoulder.

“What do you normally eat?” You asked, directing your question over to Sasha,

“Usually what we can grab and preserve for a long time, dried meats, beans, your city has a lovely selection of fruits so we’ve stocked some of those, too!” She smiled at you, and you found that she had quite a comforting presence, feeling at ease, you hoped you could form a friendship with her.

Hange excused themselves, as they had something to attend to with someone called Levi. You watched them as they walked away, interacting with their crewmates, laughing with them over something you couldn’t hear. They definitely knew how to command attention, their entire being was self-assured, and confident in themselves and their abilities. Dragging your eyes away, back to Sasha, who watched you with a smile on her face.

“You’re not what I expected when Hange told us the plan,”

“I hope I haven’t disappointed,” you retorted, not really knowing how else one could respond to that. Sasha simply laughed, “It’s a great deal different, but not disappointing,”.

—

You had remained on the deck, the crew wanting to have a little friendly spar for morale. If this was the only entertainment you could get, you’d gladly take it. Having finally secured a spot on one of the benches, you watched as different spars played themselves out.

After a few, though, it was all starting to become a bit monotonous. Feeling your eyes glaze over, you were suddenly conscious of the fact that you hadn’t had a good nights rest since Hange took you, where would you even sleep tonight?

Your attention was redirected when a crewmember called out Hange’s name, challenging them to a spar. The newly formed crowd cheered as Hange made their way into the sparring space. A smirk on their lips as they vaunted, hand clasping their sword as it was unsheathed. Finally take a good look at it, it was a fine piece of metal, sleek and thin. The handle was adorned with intricate patterned etchings.

You took notice of how Hange handled the blade, slender fingers wrapped around the hilt as they pointed it towards the opponent. No shaking, no hesitation. A sturdy, stable grasp, with an arrogant side smile that captivated you, eyes glued on their movements as the opponent tried to disarm them, unsuccessfully. Hange was slightly more agile, their body flowed like liquid, vivacious as they fought. It seemed like they could almost foresee the man’s footing and which way he’d direct an attack. They must’ve sparred together many times. A few more attempts and Hange trapped his blade, lifting his own up and twisting their arm. His sword fell to the floor with a clang, reverberating against the wooden deck.

“Damn it, Captain!” The opponent yelled out, frustration in his voice as he thought he’d actually win this time, Hange only hung their head back and laughed, the strands of hair that edged down their face slipped back, exposing their jaw and neck. A gentle smile escaped your lips as you watched, they looked so liberated, so strong. Hange truly was an enigmatic figure, they carried themselves with authority that you can’t say you’d ever seen elsewhere. They were charismatic, magnetic, you could see that they truly had the admiration of their crew.

“You’ll have to try harder to beat me,” Hange teased, sheathing their sword, a mischievous glaze in their eyes as they landed on you. Your heart picked up, unable to pull your own gaze away from theirs, almost enchanted when you noticed the corner of their lips tilt up.

Breaking away from the contact, you felt your ears grow warm. Deciding to find the wooden deck the most interesting thing around you, until scuffed boots appeared in your line of vision. Looking up, Hange had stepped closer to you, placing their hand into a pocket of their pants.

“Time to retire, my lady?”

Fumbling, you flustered, “Where am I to sleep?” Members of the crew were scattered, some sleeping on the floor of the deck, some had set up rustic hammocks, whilst others continued to wander the floor.

“In my quarters,” Hange stated as if it was obvious, “Unless you’d prefer to sleep next to that lot,” They pointed at the others, crewmates who slept on their stools with their heads resting on their arms placed on the brim of the ship. The expression on Hange’s face made it clear that they were mocking you, perfectly aware of how you would not prefer that option.

“I fear my spine would crumble,” You jested, your lie blatant.

“Come,” They nudged their head towards the stern of the ship, where the Captain’s private quarters were. Hange’s comfortable room with all the fascinating oddities. You’d much prefer sleeping there, you thought.

Following, Hange led you back to their space, all things considered, you felt rather guarded there. Strangely safe and sound. Something tugged at your mind that Hange wouldn’t stand for anything to happen to you, not even for you specifically— Hange’s crew appeared quite companionable, you attributed that to their leader. You wondered how far those pleasantries extended, what acts of horror were allowed and which were not.

Closing the door behind them, Hange hung up their outer coat on its peg, rolling their shoulders as a minor stretch. Bringing their hands up to the back of their neck, rubbing the tender muscle atop their skin.

You stood, clutching your elbows under crossed arms. The silence in the cabin contrasted the raucous crew outside, some still sparring.

“Was that moonshine?” Your voice broke through the quiet, looking towards the jar of liquid Hange had brought you as 'provisions'. "No, it's grog," "Grog?" "Rum and water," Pulling a face, you continued.

"Is it good?" "Not really, but we don't drink it for its taste." Nodding, you picked up the jar, inspecting. "Did you make it?" Hange scoffed, smirking to themselves, their arms coming to cross over their chest, "It's far easier to steal from merchant ships, they're always overloaded with stock," "I see."

"I think I would like to try it," Hange raised their eyebrows at you, a playful look struck their features. "Oh?" They continued, "I brought it for you, thought you might need a little pick-me-up, have at it."

Uncorking the jar, the aroma of the liquor invaded your senses. "It smells strong," Hange nodded, watching with a devilish face as you brought the rim to your lips. After a gulp, you couldn't hold back a cough as the force of the harsh drink burned through your throat, your lips twisting and your eyebrows squeezing together. "That's revolting," "Yeah, it's pretty bad," Hange laughed, grabbing the jar from you and taking a bigger gulp for themselves, passing it back to you. Truly, you don't know what possessed you to take another sip, but it became easier to tolerate.

A few half hours passed, and you had placed yourself on Hange's wicker couch, your bed for the foreseeable. Arms wrapped around your legs which pressed to your chest. You were definitely feeling the effects of the liquor, tolerance much lower than Hange's, who sat on the floor beside the couch. Feeling far more relaxed, your tongue was a tad looser, speaking to and asking Hange questions you would've otherwise probably not asked. Truthfully, you were curious, there was a lot you wished to learn about them. When you first met Hange, you expected a lot of things, you didn't anticipate them being quite as respectful and honourable towards you as they were. There was more to them than what was seen on the surface, you wanted to see what lay deeper.

"But why? Why do you choose to live a life of piracy? Wouldn't it be far safer to live on land?" "Not everyone is lucky enough to be born atop riches, that's an irregular gift given only to a few," Hange spoke, their words thoughtful despite having drank even more than you, "Life at sea is more forgiving than the hardships on land." "Yes, but... there must be something else, even with the hardships at land?

"No offence, my lady," Pausing, "What would you know of hardship on land? My father worked his hardest, damn near broke his back, just to be cheated and stripped of his dignity by the greed of others." Looking down at your knees, a pull of guilt struck, knowing that it was because of people like you, and your father.

"This was his way of ensuring his own future, on his own terms and not under the boot of the wealthy who build their livelihoods on the backs of others." Hange sighed, taking another sip of grog, "At least on the sea, what you see is what you get, fight for what you want and share the rewards. It's not the most honest work, yes, but it's far more honest than those sitting in ivory towers clicking their fingers for anything they desire."

You watched as Hange spoke, their words were true, honest reflections of everything they stood for. Pirate or not, Hange had more substance than you'd ever encountered in anyone else in your life. More than those who coat their words with sugar, kissing up to their higher-ups all for a sliver of what they had.

Hange passed you the jar, and you swallowed another sip, barely tasting the alcohol by this point. This was the first you had heard of Hange's family. "I understand that," you hummed, "I've always thought it unfair, why others are seen as less based on menial things such as money. I suppose my father was my introduction to that, a part of me has always despised him."

"I wondered why you came with me so willingly, though if I had your father I would probably have been similar." Laughing, you nodded, "Truthfully, I have felt disillusioned from my life, perhaps I wanted something refreshing, a different way of being."

"Besides, you intrigued me, I find you fascinating," Your words slipped out, the grog having seriously impacted your inhibitions. Hange's eyes met yours, impish and deviant. The edge of their lip quipped up, delightfully amused. "Is that right, my lady?" They leaned their weight on their right hand that was pressed against the cabin floor, as their left remained hanging off the leg they had propped up. Your skin burned underneath their gaze, and you found that your tongue shattered. Unable to respond, all you could do was meet their half-lidded stare, thunder in your chest, as it lifted up and down. Shit. "I think that's enough grog for you, princess,"

Breaking contact, you pointed at Hange's shelves, to where their collection lay, clearing your throat before speaking. "Like your collection, it-it's fascinating, I wish I could've grabbed mine," You deflected, altering the matter, anything to stop the thunder in your chest and remember yourself. Anything to stop the blaze before it spread far beyond control.

"When we set sail, you can start a new collection." They softened, "One with all the new plants you'll see,"

—

You felt like shit the following morning. Head thumping with each movement, you could only sit on one of the benches with your hands holding up the weight. "Grog fever?" Sasha's teasing voice rang out through your ears, "Been there."

"This is awful," "First time?" "Obviously," You rubbed your eyes, as Sasha lightly patted you on the back, "You'll survive,"

Two presences joined you and Sasha at your bench, one was shorter with black hair, and the other stood upright, with scraggly blonde hair. "This is Levi, he's the First Mate, pretty much Hange's second in command," Sasha spoke, introducing you, "Don't mind him, he's a bit of an ass." "The other is Reiner, also a bit of an ass," She giggled, finding entertainment within herself.

Levi nodded at you, a silent greeting which you didn't mind as listening and speaking were already hard enough with the thumping in your head. Reiner looked at you, before pulling his hand out to meet yours. "Lovely to meet such a beautiful lady," He declared, eyes scouring down your body, "I'm looking forward to having you aboard," His words reeked with flirtation, his cold eyes geeking you out, discomfiting, not like the handsome brown ones you melted into yesterday.

Almost as if reading your mind, Hange appeared, they had left the ship this morning, as apparently, they had some errands to run. Hange set their hands on Reiner's shoulders, carrying an indistinct countenance. "Reiner, I have matters to discuss, come," They spoke, before walking a few steps ahead, waiting for him near the stern, arms crossed.

"Coming, captain," Reiner followed their lead, you kept glancing over to them as Sasha picked up chatter with Levi. You were straining your ears to catch snippets of their conversation, a little difficult over Sasha's voice in front of you, the little you could make out came from Hange: Not this one.

As you switched your attention back to the table, wondering what the hell that was about, you had just bypassed Sasha's looking towards you, her brows crinkling and face pulling into a look of recognition. Huh, she thought, how about that?

—

As the day passed, the time to set sail was nearing, planned for sometime within the next two days depending on supplies and readiness. Apprehension was harder to ignore, you thought about what your father was currently doing, and his reaction upon discovering you had not been in your chambers the following morning. Mulling, you cackled to yourself, clasping your hand over your mouth to mask the giggles as the gravity of what you had done struck you. Never did you imagine your life to end up in this way.

Hange entered their quarters, hanging up their coat, "What's so funny?" " "I just can't believe what I'm doing," your laughter settled down, breathing returning to standard as Hange placed themselves next to you on the wicker couch. "Yeah? You 'n me, both," They chuckled, pausing, "Hey, uh- I wanted to give you this,"

You studied them, catching a modest element of hesitation on Hange that you weren't familiar with seeing. Hange handed you a book, of beautifully bound brown leather, the spine stitching exposed with light-coloured thread. "What is this for?" "You left your notes behind, so this is for your new collection," You gaped at them, prompting Hange to continue, "For all the new plants you'll see and learn about,"

Wordless, you looked between Hange and the book in your hands, feeling the skin at your cheeks heating up. "Hange, this is- thank you, so much," Nodding, Hange steeled, standing themselves up, nearing the door before speaking, "The shantyman is going to play for a while, the crew loves him, so you don't wanna miss it," It was customary for ships to bring musicians. They'd sing songs and play tunes to boost morale amongst the crew, to carry them through the harrowing nights, and oftentimes even spread their hopes for some romance. You definitely wanted to witness it, Hange held the cabin door open for you as you both made your way to the deck.

The musician was doing his thing, leading the crew in song, banging a drum as melodies rang through the vessel. You noticed Sasha dancing with the crewmembers. It was a little overwhelming, the events you had attended at court were much milder and reserved than this, uppity, really. People would rarely dance, it was almost taboo. This was far distant from that, it was fun, delightful even—almost hedonistic in style.

You weren’t quite sure how to join yourself with them, the dances varying from person to person made it hard to fall into a step. Hange noticed your hesitance, before clasping your hand and pulling you towards them. Their hand resting upon your waist, drawing you tighter as they moved into a dance. The air in your lungs tripped over itself, shortening your breath. Stomach pressed against stomach.

Looking up at them, Hange donned a smug smile, higher up on one side of their mouth as it hung from their lips.

“Dance with me, princess,” Hange hummed, their voice lowered. There came the thunder in your chest again, the blaze was spreading.

“I’ve told you to not address me like that,” You whispered, the contention you planned on executing in your voice was nowhere near where you had planned. Instead, it was mild, for fear that would fumble over your own words, as your tongue shattered once again.

“I can’t help it,” They grinned, skimming over your flustered appearance. You don’t know what kind of sorcery Hange held, what alluring magnetism in their blood drew you to them. You felt yourself begin to melt into their tempting gaze, as you blinked.

“Careful, don’t look at me like that or I might begin to get the wrong idea,” Hange’s head sank towards your neck, your breath hitched. Their proximity was intoxicating, you found you couldn’t bear the weight of it. Pulling yourself away from Hange, you rushed to the cabin, pushing open the door and letting yourself inside.

Letting out a bulky breath, your face was burning up, body temperature way over standard as you rested your hands on Hange’s desk. Clamouring to compose yourself. Hange knocked at the door, before entering. Shutting your eyes, you remained still.

“You okay?” Ignoring them, you relented in your stance. The tension in the room increased, heart pulsing as you heard their footsteps reach close.

“I think I have fever,” You mumbled, Hange was right behind you now. You could feel their warmth reaching your back.

“Stand and face me, dear,” An assertive hand maintained at your waist, turning your body toward them Hange held down your gaze, keeping their hand in its place, squeezing. “This is no fever,”

Their free hand came to meet your jaw, thumb ghosting over the soft skin. Hange lowered their head towards you, their face so near, your sanity was in a thick haze, heavy and clouded. "I can see the dark in your eyes, my lady," Hange hummed, relishing in the glaze in your eyes, at the darkness pooling in your pupils as you glimmered up at them, eyes doe and lips plump from biting. The heat from their voice raised your skin, touring down your spine as an ache between your thighs pulsed.

Hange's lips brushed against the velvety flesh at the base of your neck, tentative. You shivered as you felt their lips leave delicate kisses, hand tightening around your waist. You shut your eyes, reeling in the sensation as Hange's igniting touch drew shaky breaths. Thighs clenched together as their lips reached the base of your ear, teeth tugging at the skin. You whimpered, as Hange's hands grabbed at the top of your thighs, just underneath the curve of your ass as they directed you to the top of the desk. Placing themselves between your thighs, before whispering, "Will you indulge me, dear?" With another kiss on your ear, you crumbled, arms wrapping around Hange's neck as your legs folded around their waist.

"Please, Hange, I can't bear it," You panted, core clenching around nothing, as desperation took over. Hange sighed, hearing their name fall from your lips as your body trembled was a sight to behold. Their lips finally landed on yours, tongue pushing into your mouth. Quivering hands grabbed at the back of their head, tightening around Hange's hair, trying to release the buildup of tension in your bones.

Lips broke apart, "Do you know what it does me seeing you wear my clothes?" Voice impassioned, almost hoarse. The hand at your hip moved to the catches at your shirt, reminiscent of the way they grazed your skin that day. Undoing the catches, your abdomen and breasts exposed, goosebumps forming from the sudden coolness of the air. Hange observed as your stomach jerked, smirking as they watched how your body responded. Hand slipping in between the open fabric, meeting the bare skin as you gasped before the shirt slid off your shoulders and onto the cabin floor.

Hange whined at your revealed skin and dishevelled state, the most disordered they had seen you. Their hand cupped your breast, watching as your lips parted and the sweetest cries escaped. Fingers stroking at your hardened nipples, as your pants were slowly being dragged down your legs. Your hips squirmed as Hange went on their knees, head just at the top of your shins. One hand still massaged your nipple whilst the other was around your ankle, holding your leg in place as they lapped their tongue up the skin, retaining steady eye contact. As their tongue reached your inner thigh, your head hung back, and you bit back choked whimpers, hips jolting with anticipation.

"Hange," you rasped, squeezing your thighs around their head, your nails coming to meet the top of the back, "Yes, my dear?" "Please," you pleaded, you had already come this far, you needed to feel it through, you could barely sit up, losing strength in your back. "Patience, sweetheart,"

Fingers left your breasts and made their way to the hem of your underwear. Hange bit their lip at the line of the dampness that had seeped through the thin fabric. "Fuck," they mumbled, tugging the material down where it remained hanging at your ankles, so dishevelled, so messy.

The tips of Hange’s slender fingers reached your dripping heat, arousal covering your thighs as they ghosted sensual touches over your warm slit, puffed and leaking. Thighs tensing as the feeling released itself as strangled whines. Hange was obsessed, exhilarated by the sweet sounds that left your dear lips.

“Fuck, Hange,” Hips rolling into their fingers, pressing closer for more touch, chasing the sensation as it came, "That feels fucking good," "Such rotten language," Hange taunted, the tip of their finger burying into your soaking entrance, stretching the silky walls, “Looks like I’ve been a bad influence,”

Leaving a few more kisses on your thigh, Hange stood back up to reconnect your lips, teeth nibbling at your bottom lip. The kiss successfully distracted you, as more fingers entered, slowly rocking into your flesh, as bliss overtook the initial sting. Hips began to tilt, grinding against the pressure. The sounds leaving you were indecent, vulgar, as Hange augmented the pace, rocking their fingers into you. Suddenly you were glad for the singing out in the deck, obscuring the noise within the cabin. Your head fell into their neck, whining as you could only sit there and take it. Fingers stuffing your swollen centre, pressing against the squishy barriers.

The muscles in your abdomen tensed, clenching around Hange's fingers as your hips buckled. "That's it, dear, you're taking it so, so well," Your eyebrows pinched together, voice escaping you, "Taking me like such a good girl,". Hange spoke, voice purring. That was the nail in the coffin; the honey in their words, the strain in their voice as you felt your release shattering through you. Hips convulsed as your arousal spilled all over Hange's fingers, grabbing their shoulders for support. A few more pumps and Hange removed their fingers, looking down at your clenching hole at the trickling cum, their hand completely drenched.

Hange kissed you, before you broke away and uttered words that led Hange to understand they could never have their fill, "More, please," you begged, voice breathy and whiny as you tightened your legs around their waist. Chuckling, endeared Hange responded, "My, my, dear, you're truly filthy."

Hange moved themselves down to your pussy, still swollen despite its release. With a quick glance back towards you, cheeks flustered and eyes black. Desire tensed your features as your chest heaved up and down, breasts exposed and legs spread, quaking. Such a heavenly sight.

A touch over your slit, Hange spat on your folds, the sight eliciting languid moans from you. It truly was filthy. Pussy clenching with desperation as it grazed you, spreading down your slit with the weight of gravity. Hange pressed their tongue against it, carelessly lapping up the cum that had been leaking out of you. Frenzied guttural groans liberated into your centre as they sucked, the vibrations left you reeling as your hand came to clasp your breast, kneading. Trailing over your own nipple, Hange was not about to accept that, slapping your hand away and rolling their fingers over the bud.

Overstimulation left you choking, tears spilling from your lids as Hange worked their warm tongue over your sensitive folds, drinking in the saltiness as one hand played with your nipple and the other ghosted over your opening. Thighs tightened around their head, cutting off Hange's air supply as you rutted your hips over their face, pushing yourself closer against their tongue. Nose nudging over your clit as their head bounced against you.

“Hange, fuck— I’m, mhm- I’m gonna cum, please let me come,” You babbled, stammering. Needy. You took them in, nose, chin and cheeks wet from your arousal, saliva running down; their eyebrows pulled together with determination and eyes rolling with indulgence, as if you were the tastiest meal they ever had. The taught restraint you had carried your entire life totally dissipated as you surrendered to Hange’s command over your body. Fingers filling into you, knuckles deep, rubbing over the squishy flesh. The added penetration forced out the second catharsis, sucking Hange in as you released over their face, tainting their glasses.

Resting your back on the desk, breaths heavy as you came down from whatever entity had possessed you. Panting. You covered your face with your hands, as your clandestine actions struck you. The drunken, indecent impropriety you fell into and enjoyed.

“No use being bashful now, my lady,” They teased, dragging away the hands that obscured your face. Grabbing your face, reconnecting your lips with gentle touches. Kisses so tender you couldn’t find it within yourself to see anything wrong.

How could something so honeyed be perverse?

—

um yeah, this is my application to hell…

[wield-the-mighty-pen]

I’m curious to know what makes you like Ladrien. What’s the appeal? I have my reasons for why I dislike them, so I’m definitely interested to hear all about the other side.

Absolutely no hate, I’m just super curious

Hi! First of all, thank you for giving me an excuse to babble on about Ladrien 🥰

I just want to preface this by stating that it is my belief that people who don't like Ladrien, are those who don't really understand the ship and/or the beauty to the ship, so it would be my pleasure to talk about why I love them so much:

1. They are the pinnacle of Lovesquare mutual pining

I personally am a mutual pining fiend. If there is mutual pining in a ship, chances are you can find me onboard. Mutual pining is probably my favorite part of a ship timeline, I love the angst, the bitter-sweetness, the confused and pained but still loving interactions, and my friend, Ladrien has all that and a bag of chips.

The thing is, Adrien is in love with Ladybug, Ladybug is in love with Adrien, but there's a certain impossibility to their love. Ladybug doesn't know Adrien well enough to love him, so it would never cross his mind that she would even entertain him as a romantic interest. Adrien has hardly even interacted with Ladybug, so it certainly wouldn't make sense that he would have feelings for her, forget about being in love with her.

What cements these beliefs is the fact that they both know the other in very different circumstances. Chat Noir and Marinette both know that the person they are in love with is not fickle about their feelings and is not shallow about love, they aren't just going to fall in love with some random celebrity. What's even more so is the fact that Ladybug knows that Adrien is in love with someone (circa season 3) and Adrien knows that Ladybug is in love with someone (circa season 2), making it so that they believe that the others' affections are tied elsewhere, seemingly making them unavailable (hence the pining).

I also want to point out that Ladrien is also void of the friendships of Adrinette and Ladynoir, meaning the pining becomes even more powerful as they don't even have access to the comforts of friendship. They are apart in every painful way.

This all creates an environment where every interaction between the two is filled with this yearning tension of wanting to be closer, wanting to move closer, but having to stop themselves because it doesn't make sense, because they fear rejection, because they just can't.

2. They have amazing on-screen chemistry and interactions

If you don't watch any season 2 Ladrien scene with a giant smile on your face, then you are missing out. I chose to mention season 2 in particular, because it's the season with the most Ladrien interaction, but honestly, you can find amazing Ladrien in every season.

The way they both stare at each other in wonder, in the first ever Ladrien interaction might I add, in season one's episode "The Mime", was the perfect way to set the stage for what we were to expect from this ship. They love each other, they are amazed by each other, they make each other dizzy and distracted, it's beautiful and hopeful, and directly contrasts the very difficult interactions that Adrien has in the episode with his father. Whereas Adrien's family is a point of pain for him, Ladybug is the light, the hope for him

Just discussing my two favorite Ladrien scenes, their chemistry and brilliantly portrayed relationship is obvious. Firstly, there is the catch scene in "Gorizilla". I don't think this scene needs explanation, but my goodness it is one I like to talk/think about a lot. The way he portrays implicit trust in Ladybug, the way he fully believes that she will catch him, is just so djaskljdaksljdkals, it's so sweet to watch. But then, she catches him, and even without talking about the trope subversion (though it is important), the way that they stare at each other, how their sole focus is on each other, how the catch was fast and sudden, but then Ladybug slows down to make the descent more comfortable for Adrien, it's all just *chef's kiss*. Adrien is then so enamored and lovestruck, that he forgets where he is, he forgets who he is, and nearly exposes himself by using a term of endearment for his love, which is just the most Ladrien thing ever jdksadjaskld

Finally, I want to talk about my other favorite Ladrien scene, which is the panic attack scene at the end of "Strike Back". Here we see Ladybug coping with the worst betrayal she has ever endured, and at the hands of the person who looks identical to the boy standing in front of here. And with all that uncertainty and mistrust, he stays there, he comforts her, he talks her through her panic, through her next steps. And when he offers her to detransform in his bathroom, with only a door to prevent her reveal, despite being unsure and cautious, she ultimately decides to trust him. She puts her vulnerability into his hands and allows him to see her emotional vulnerability and potentially have access to her physical vulnerability.

(there are more scenes to talk about but for brevity's sake I will stop here)

3. They very obviously love and support each other, despite the circumstances of their relationship

Just drawing back to the episodes that were mentioned in the last point, just from viewing those two scene alone, it is obvious that though they both love each other, she also trusts him and he trusts her.

The truth of the matter is, no side of the lovesquare exists in a vacuum. The sides bleed and meld and create together some amalgamated item that will only feel whole when the full square is revealed. As such, the knowledge and feelings that they have as Adrinette and Ladynoir, are going to have some presence while they are Ladrien.

My point of mentioning this, is that trust and sensitivity for each other is going to be present in their relationship, even if they didn't necessarily reach that development as Ladrien. On paper, Ladrien is a superhero and a model who have only interacted a handful of times. And yet, to both of them, their relationship is so much deeper than that.

They know each other, they're familar with each other, and yet, they're not. Adrien knows how Ladybug will take a joke from Chat Noir, but he doesn't know how she'll take one from Adrien, or why there's a difference. Ladybug knows how Adrien will react to a gift from Marinette, but she doesn't know how he'll take one from Ladybug, nor why there might be a difference. Adrien might know Ladybug's favorite drink order, but he doesn't know her birthday, her parents' name, etc. And Likewise, Ladybug might know Adrien's favorite color, but she doesn't know what he does at night, where the ring on his finger is from.

And yet, despite all of this, despite only being familiar with half a person, they take that half and choose to love them whole-heartedly. They choose to take the information they have and trust that person blindly. Despite, the impossibility of their relationship, they choose to continue to hope.

Because they admire each other, they care for each other, they love each other, and they will do everything in their power to continue to do that. And I think that's beautiful.

There are more reasons, but these are the main three, and I doubt you want to hear me drone on, so hope this sufficed!

Thank you for the ask! <3

[markantonys]

While I still don't think the show has done enough to show why the world despises and fears male channelers (since it really should've been embedded into the world building, so far we only know that the Aes Sedai hate and fear them) and it does kinda lessen the impact of the narrative that none of the EF5 had at least an initial gut reaction to Rand being able to channel. I do wonder how they're gonna handle that topic moving forward, cause it kinda has to be addressed now that Rand is actively channeling. I could see it being expanded more deeply as Rand's madness progresses/tie it into his arc.

the show has made it ABUNDANTLY clear that Male Channelers Are Considered Bad News By All. it IS embedded into the worldbuilding. was the king saying that logain's gone mad and trying to kill him not enough for you? was the people of tar valon jeering and throwing fruit at him not enough for you? was rand and mat saying "hey if i'm a male channeler please kill me" not enough for you? was rand's terror the second he realized selene saw him channel not enough for you? was selene's act of how a normal person would react to finding out her boyfriend can channel not enough for you? was his heartbroken yet unsurprised reaction to her rejection not enough for you? was the whole backstory of a male channeler causing the apocalypse not enough for you? do you think that show-onlys are completely incapable of putting all these pieces together along with aes sedai treatment of male channelers and coming to the conclusion that male channelers are probably not very popular with most people and it's going to be very tough for rand that he is one?

literally what else should they have done that would make sense within the very small world and very early story of the first 2 seasons/3 books that they didn't already do? shown emond's fielders sitting around the dinner table talking about how much they hate and fear male channelers when none of them has ever met one and thus it's not relevant to their lives? wasted time doing a whole sidequest for rand in s2 where his abilities are discovered by some Average Citizens and they react badly? shit all over show!mat's characterization and given him a negative reaction to rand in s2 that would not make sense for his current show headspace, just for the sake of furthering rand's randpain? i'm sick of the rand stans who act like rand is the only character who matters and mat's characterization should be sacrificed just so we can go "oh poor rand uwu even his own best friend is mean to him". portraying mat in 2x06 as the sort of person who bullies and kicks his best friend while he's down would've been beneficial because......? what is so wrong with the show making the ef5 feel like mutually loyal friends instead of "rand is the best and most loyal friend in the world but the rest are little shits who abandon him as soon as the going gets tough"? seeing as in the books, mat continues to be an extremely loyal friend to rand throughout the series but most readers are too stupid to see through his unreliable narration and realize he doesn't mean it when he says that rand channeling is like him eating babies, i'm not surprised the show decided to simplify things in order to convey the true heart of mat's character (loyal and caring friend to rand) in a more obvious manner.

and i guarantee you that no show-only is going "oh, it's only aes sedai who have a problem with male channelers, everyone else thinks they're cool". that's not happening. show-onlys are not stupid, and they understand that male channelers are considered bad news by all; or maybe they haven't thought much yet about how male channelers are viewed by the average public, but in future seasons once we see rand getting shit from the average public, they are not going to be surprised or confused or go "but i thought it was only aes sedai who had a problem with them and everyone else thinks they're cool?", they're going to go "oh, well we've seen how much aes sedai hate them, so it makes sense that everyone else does too". stop. think for 2 seconds about "have i actually seen a large number* of show-onlys misunderstanding X and/or do i think it's plausible that a large number of show-onlys would be likely to misunderstand X, or do show-onlys have enough context clues to figure out X for themselves or to be unsurprised when X is expanded on and made more explicit in future seasons and i'm working myself up into a state over a non-issue?"

*there are always going to be a handful of people incapable of critical thinking who willfully misunderstand what the show is showing us, just like there are readers like that with the books, hence unless a LARGE number of general-population show-onlys are misunderstanding X, as opposed to just 20 idiots on twitter, i do not consider it a failure by the show in portraying X.

[rocksibblingsau]

Honestly, in only one chapter you have already written one of my favorite Poppy interpretations in the entire fandom. I always thought that one of her most characterizing but actually underrepresented traits is her obsolete complete lack of emotional intelligence while still being one of the kindest and well-meaning souls in the Trolls universe.

She is so similar to Branch in that way she has a clear difficulty reading and understanding people and their actions (omg they're sooo autism4autism coded fr fr /hj), they only feel so different from each other because while Branch fills that void of emotional intelligence with self-doubt and pessimism, Poppy fills it with optimism and always believing that everyone only have the best of intentions at heart.

Both of them love others with all of their hearts and loyalty, the only difference is, Poppy grew up never fearing that her trust and love were or could even be misplaced. That anyone should willing choose to harm and betray her.

And that is another reason why I love your portray of Poppy so much, because while she is still very trusting and naive, she still refuses to be vulnerable around others. Not because she is afraid to be hurt or rejected like Branch, but because she is so naturally self-sacrificing and loves the people around her so deeply that she refuses to worry them or purposely make them uncomfortable. Poppy is not worried that she is greying because she herself is going through it, but because she doesn't want her friends and father to worry about her.

She doesn't actively thinks lesser of herself like Branch does, but actually does it passively. There isn't a conscious thought process of "My issues and problems are less deserving of acknowledgement" but she continually chooses to place others' feelings, comfort and safety above her own... I going to be honest here, even I didn't realize how much Branch and Poppy paralleled and complimented each other before writing this. But the world is full of surprises I guess????

Sorry for the big ramble, really, but amazing chapter and character writing from your part nonetheless. Very excited for chapter 28 and I would like to officially state my guest for the mysterious character as Dickory, the beloved tiny angry goatman.

Thank you so much! Poppy has some fun parallels to Branch because you're right, she does seem to have some issues understanding people, as well as also refusing to be vulnerable in front of others. Like Branch she tends to go through a lot of thoughts really fast, but for the most part she tends not to assume the worst of people.

She doesn't fear being rejected for being grey, she fears making her friends miserable with her own misery.

[battry-acid]

From your recent piece with Colossus in it, I would love you to elaborate on the autism mention!!

If it’s a hc, I love it, I have never thought of it before and it just makes a lot of sense

absolutely!!! apologies for the incoming ramble

yes it's only a headcanon, not actually canon (for now). i've always related to colossus both as a neurodivergent person and as an artist due to how it's easiest for him to communicate his feelings through art, and how he otherwise normally struggles with words. that is the main reason i view him as autistic, among many other reasons. the many other reasons are listed below!

<< DISCLAIMER: when i talk about x-men characters, unless i'm specifying a particular IP/media, just assume i'm talking about the original run of the all-new all-different uncanny x-men comics and how the characters are portrayed there. 1975-1990 is the sweet spot. that is the "source material" to me, the blueprint of what roles those characters are made to serve and what their most prominent traits are. yay >>

1. COMMUNICATES BEST THROUGH ART

piotr specifically says "my pencil can create far better pictures of this land...than my poor words." in "prison of the heart" (this story appears in vol 1 issue 5 of classic x-men as it was cut from the original run of UXM. it takes place between issues 97 and 98). yet he still calls his drawings "not very good". he thinks he's terrible at communicating no matter how he tries to do so.

to summarize in the story, he falls in love with a fellow russian immigrant with an artistic heart named anya. he expresses his affection by giving her a drawing of her performing, "from my heart to yours". it is the purest way he can express how he feels.

and yet, it doesn't work out. he protects her by turning into colossus, a show of his care for her, and she runs from him in fear.

this sequence makes my heart EXPLODE. mfw autistic people get called heartless all the time for struggling with empathy

the way he talks and acts as colossus is entirely different to how he talks and acts as piotr. it's obvious by how quickly his voice dies in his throat when returning to his unarmoured state. he was boasting such confidence in armoured form, and when it's over....all that confidence is gone. this is the purest example of how he switches between confident and quiet, protected and sensitive, physically and emotionally between forms.

from then on, he's afraid of himself, and more afraid to express himself. he continues to hide his art and he avoids forming stronger bonds with anyone other than fellow x-men, and even that is hard for him. he has intense rejection sensitivity (like meee) and i think he has incredibly high levels of empathy (LIKE MEEE) which is as much an autistic trait as low levels of empathy are. he cares so much, he cares so much it hurts, so he has to protect himself.

it is a common theme with the characterization of piotr that his powers are defense, they are to protect himself and others. he needs to protect his sensitive heart. so large, so compassionate, but so fragile. he may be able to protect himself from physical harm in his armoured state, but he cannot protect himself from emotional harm no matter what he does. he still has his weaknesses, impenetrable skin or no.

2. STRUGGLES IN HIS RELATIONSHIPS

when he gets another chance at romance in "first love" (classic x-men vol 1 issue 21, also in UXM issue 115) he is afraid. he says that he is afraid repeatedly and uhhh there's a lot of things that happen in that story that i am going to avoid talking about right now (it has triggering content and is recognized as a problematic portrayal of indigenous pacific islanders. boy oh boy do i hate the savage land. i may talk about this more in depth at another time if somebody wants me to!) it's like, yay, they don't judge him for being a mutant, or for being afraid!!! but at what cost (bad things happen to him)

and this is, of course, not the only instances of piotr having issues with romance. he seems to constantly experience issues in relationships due to his insecurities, rejection sensitivity, and (very reasonable imo) fears. he has as much trouble expressing his affections for someone as he does verbalizing his discomfort in others' advances towards him. because even when he has said no in the past, some have not listened to him. so he chooses to stay silent. I ALSO HAVE HAD THESE ISSUES!!! it can be so hard being in relationships (romantic or otherwise) as an autistic person, it can be so hard learning effective ways to communicate, it can be so hard constantly fighting to be treated like a person. that's what he feels like to me. he does make progress over time, but it's difficult for him, and he never truly masters it.

3. HAS HIS HEAD IN THE CLOUDS

there's also the entire aspect of piotr of being a bit oblivious at times. sometimes it's to depict him as a younger member of the group with less experience, or as the russian who doesn't understand american customs, or just simply a guy off in his own world that only snaps back to reality when he has to focus on a fight. he ain't the leader for a reason, he's a follower type of guy. my favourite thing ever is when they talk about him like he isn't there and he's just "?"

i don't know why they repeatedly depict piotr as just "❓" red question mark emoji personified but i never want it to stop. i actually adore it

but just being a little oblivious isn't enough sometimes. sometimes they gotta push it. sometimes he's portrayed as being so stupid that he can't even count!!! love to see it! (/s) people looove to insult his intelligence. people looove to call him an idiot both in and out of canon. don't that just remind you of somethin? of having your intelligence questioned all the time solely based on how you act?

you see this struggle to advocate for himself, or being a bit naïve in his hopes for another person, in every single depiction of piotr. or, at least, every single accurately characterized depiction of piotr. in as long drawn-out plot points of piotr feeling as though he can't join the x-men in x-men: evolution, from as small instances of deadpool grabbing his ass in the deadpool movies and him clearly being kind of uncomfortable but giving up on trying to sway wade, you see him struggle to verbalize how he feels. he always says nothing. he's called the strong but silent type for a reason.

4. PREFERS TO PLAY IT BY THE BOOK

on a different note, we get to see how much he loves rules and schedules and routines. he is definitely a goody two-shoes at times in terms of how inclined he is to follow the rules no matter what, usually because that's what he thinks xavier wants him to do. it takes encouragement for him to want to do something other than what he understands to be the socially acceptable thing to do.

just one mere example of his nature to follow the rules:

this one panel is single-handedly one of the best representations of how the three of them interact with each other and what makes them such a fun trouple

there's so many more examples i could point out, but it can all be summarized simply by the fact that he is always a follower, never a leader. he doesn't like to make the rules, he just likes to follow them. he likes to have a clear idea of what he is expected and supposed to do, and can easily be directed in ways that benefit others the most. i love being told what to do if it means i get to help other people!!! it's so much easier having someone tell me what to do and clearly communicate what is expected of me instead of playing this constant social guessing game i always find myself in.

IN CONCLUSION...

so he's kind of unobservant, emotionally illiterate, rule-oriented, experiences empathy at an abnormal level, and expresses himself best in artistic ways. so what, you may ask? that's hardly enough evidence to be autistic. make him take the RAADS, you fool. and to that, i say....y'know what, fair, you don't have to agree with me, but also i don't care and he's autistic and yay yippee yippee i love colossus so much yaaay he's autistic just like me :D!!!

i have so many feelings about piotr. can you tell x-men has been my special interest since i was 8 years old?

<< also yes i know there is a kitty-sized elephant in the room. if someone sends an ask for me to do so, i may talk about my feelings on her relationship with piotr at some point. that is a whole other can of worms >>

[limbus-limousine]

Keep saying this but I loooove how relationships are talked about and portrayed in Demian (1919). Like. To an insane degree that I can barely put into words. It bothers me how overlooked it is sometimes? People always have a tendency to shove fictional relationships into very cramped, defined little boxes and then fight over the plastic label.

The way relationships are seen in Demian is one of the main reasons why I hold this book so close to my heart, because it was the first time I saw my thoughts put into words that I could analyze and study. That and the whole premise of how growing up in a religiously oppressive environment disguised with love and purity will inevitably affect how you process your feelings toward others... Makes me relate to Sinclair a lot. And it feels like a gross oversimplification to restrict his feelings as platonic or romantic.

I've talked about how I see Demian and Eva as extremely related entities before, how they are essentially the same. But I think their distinction as physical characters is very useful for the storytelling and symbolism. As I see it, Demian (the book) is all about love. It's not just about finding love in someone else but also finding love in yourself, in what you do and where you are in your life. This might be more of a personal interpretation, but to me, Eva represents a very, very specific feeling, in a way it's a culmination, a point where you finally stop to think and say to yourself "maybe I am okay. This is what okay feels like to me". Freudian influence aside... The motherly themes hit me really hard for this very reason:

When I read how Sinclair slowly fell out with his family, it spoke of a very specific experience. A very specific realization. "This deal isn't that of a bad friendship or acquaintance. I won't have a second chance. Simply because of how I was born, where I was born, there are human experiences that I'll never be able to know, and I am powerless to change that", you cannot choose your family, your mother, right? It's what you get, and you see around you what could've been but never was, and it makes you feel weak.

That's why Frau Eva is such an important figure. Because that is when Sinclair finds his family again, in a way. Why should blood matter so much? Sure, there's a biological connection, it's also been studied that romantic relationships reach their "high" during their earlier days due to hormones and neurotransmitters, right, "love at first sight", but those will eventually cease production as all does. It is your choice to nurture that relationship and to cherish it, to keep and to care for it. Blood does not matter, home is a person and it's right next to me, right now. I think that is what Frau Eva is, as a whole. And allowing that feeling to coexist with the platonic and the romantic is very important as I see it. One of the main problems of this motherly dynamic is the power difference, what makes Sinclair struggle in his childhood is the constant sensation of being watched, of being subjected to severe judgement. Frau Eva is supposed to remove that factor, she listens and she welcomes any thought or idea, there isn't fear of rejection or punishment, that's what makes it feel "like home". That was, kind of, the last step to reach the fulfillment Sinclair needed. I see Eva as the "destination" of this whole thing.

And Demian, he is the journey. One of the biggest mistakes one can make is to dismiss the process and work that goes into an achievement, because it is important. There is no Eva without Demian, they are intrinsic by nature. And journey is something that never leaves you. Even when Sinclair reaches his destination, he never stops caring about Demian. He visits Eva and he visits Demian, even if he has to walk through horrible weather, he speaks of his dreams to them, and he sits at the table and eats with them. Because during your journey you gain so many things you never expected, and at the end of the road, they become part of your fulfillment and needs as much as the main achievement is.

What Sinclair obtains from Demian and Eva, and everything in between them, is a unique relationship, deeply fulfilling, trusting, reassuring, a place where you know you can come to, even when you're at your lowest. Eva capitalizes on the genuine care, nurturing qualities, but Demian, too is a mentor, although I find falconer to be a better comparison. He helps the sparrowhawk grow its clipped wings, but in turn, he shall not stop it from flying, only the bird itself can choose to return the falconer's affections. But at the end of the day, all the falconer wishes for is to see him take flight. Sinclair obtains everything: friendship, camaraderie, acceptance, relief of a deep rooted guilt, no judgement for his human desires, the care and trust he lost from his mother, and something to look forward to after waking up in the mornings.

At the end of the book, Sinclair is separated from both of them, as I've said, they are intrinsic. But of course, they don't fully leave. As I see it, the kiss being from Eva means that your achievement is and will always be a sweet thought. Something you hold dear, that you can think of to comfort yourself. But Demian is there to deliver it and to fix Sinclair's wounds because journey is experience. It is what strengthens you and gives you the tools to face future endeavors. And it feels safe... You are finally safe within yourself.

But what about the scary factor, though? Because that is present too in both Demian and Eva (which I happen to really enjoy, as well). As always, I think it's a balance. It's good to know fear, it's a human emotion like any other. But the fear that radiates from them is more... Animal-like. The fear Sinclair once felt was a deep rooted terror that was born from something divine. You're being watched. You're being judged. You're wrong. You're a sinner. That's scary. Because it's telling you that the danger comes from yourself. When you see a beast staring into you, you don't feel self conscious, you don't feel repulsed, you feel the most natural shape that fear has. Beautiful things are scary. A snake can be scary. The stars can be scary. But it's not their fault, and it's not your fault either, it's just how it's meant to be. Because all feelings —love, anger, fear, sadness— and more, they are all important, they are all natural. But natural feelings can be beautiful. Artificial feelings make you fear something you've never witnessed, they make your stomach churn at the thought of yourself and they make you cry for something you haven't done. And most people around you live holding onto relationships that are, fundamentally, held by artificial feelings.

That is... Most of what I interpret from this book. And, god. It feels more like the book read me and not the other way around. I think I've truly found a bigger respite in art thanks to this novel. I have wanted to see the same beauty in the naturally grotesque... Learn about myself until rotting, flesh, maggots become just as beautiful and full of meaning as spring rivers and flowering plains, and for anger and fear to turn into something I can love and cherish like I do my inner child. Although they, too, have surely grown up.

That's it. I wanna play toysssss

[heliza24]

Louis, Armand, Visual Art, and Vulnerability

The way episode 2.4 used painting and photography as a recurring motif to illustrate the relationship between Armand, Louis, and Dreamstat fascinated me, and I’m going to try to work it out here.

Even though Armand is dismissive of Louis’s photography in Dubai as a “human understanding of time”, he actually feels very similar about the paintings in the museum, calling them “framed boulevards of time and space.” For both Louis and Armand, the captured image represents a connection to their true selves. For Louis it’s an embodiment of his love of humanity, of morality, of joy. There’s a tragic element to this though; Louis is always just an observer, stuck behind his camera lens. He can never be a true part of humanity again. In this episode he complains about the ways vampirism has restrained his art; he can only take photos at night, he can’t get to know his models without eating them. He has control over the images he creates but only so much. He doesn’t have the true spark of artistic genius, the ability to capture humanity because he feels it himself. 

Armand has the opposite relationship to the image; he’s always the subject, not the artist. (I know he paints in his early life in the books, but we haven’t seen any evidence of that yet in the show). There’s a tragic element to this too, since it mimics the way he was entirely stripped of agency as a young man. The way he is portrayed in the Vecchio painting is both beautiful and violent. He’s whitewashed, and it captures a moment when he was being sexually abused. But there is something vital about this painting, in that it connects Armand to his faulty early memories. There is also something important about the fact that someone cared enough to arrange to have him painted, even if that care was possessive and twisted in its own way. When Armand says “no one has painted me in 400 years,” he means “No one has cared for me in this way in centuries. No one has seen me in this way for that long.” 

Of course there’s an irony of that, because Louis has seen him in that way, in the photo he took of Armand. Louis fights against the art dealer’s appraisal of this photo, because he wasn’t trying to capture Armand’s fragility in that moment. He was trying to capture Dreamstat. I think there’s a part of Louis that is very frustrated by Armand’s vulnerability. There are a lot of reasons for this, I think, and it’s a pattern of behavior we see in Louis often. Louis has always had difficulty accessing sentiment and vulnerability himself, going back to when he was human and pulled a knife on his brother when Paul was mentally vulnerable. We know that Louis’s recounting of Lestat often left out Lestat’s vulnerability, and the part of Lestat that Louis sparked with (for better and for worse) was Lestat’s more violent, tempestuous side. In this very episode, we see Louis rejecting Claudia’s fear about being threatened by Armand, and throwing her feelings of rejection back in her face (“You left me first!”).  Louis doesn’t have a lot of patience for vulnerability in general, and I think that’s why Dreamstat was there for Armand’s monologue about Armand’s early life. Dreamstat is an embodiment of Louis’s suspicions and frustrations, and when Armand was talking about not knowing who he is, of being trapped in a job he does not want… that’s when Dreamstat interrupts with a derogatory “HAH!”. To me that is Louis, expressing his frustration with Armand’s fragility and indecision. That’s Louis saying “make a CHOICE already.” And it makes sense that in the next sequence of scenes he takes action to help push Armand into making that choice. 

Earlier in the episode, when Armand is trying to teach Louis how to use the fire gift, Louis complains that it only works for him when he’s pissed off about something, and Armand mentions that he “tries to find the vulnerability in the object” in order to light it on fire. After Claudia leaves, Louis is angry at both Claudia and Armand, and that anger helps him light Armand’s photo on fire. But Louis has also found the vulnerability in Armand, which he demonstrates deftly in the scene on the bench. Telling Armand he’s wet but not moving to open the umbrella himself (You’re soaking wet, Louis…), waiting for Armand to use the fire gift to light his cigarette for him, encouraging Armand to play Santiago and the rest of the coven off against each other. This is all asserting control in a way that Louis now knows Armand will respond to. Most crucial, however, is his assertion that he’s “not an artist” and [he doesn’t] know too much about theatre. But [he] used to be real good at running things.” Things, of course, means brothels. And then Louis calls Armand Arun, the name he used when he was trafficked into sexual slavery. In one fell swoop, Louis rejects his art, his connection to humanity and goodness, and embraces his vampiric nature. Because vampires are killers, but they are also manipulators. And Louis is happily pushing directly on Armand’s weakness here, that he confessed to Louis in a moment of pure honesty. There is a part of Armand that is relieved to be back in this old pattern, to no longer have the burden of choice. And there’s a part of him that’s turned on by the submission, and a part of Louis that’s turned on by the domination. So Armand answers “yes maitre”, and we’ve officially embarked on the beginning of their 70 year long relationship, built on the back of both genuine desire and love as well as nefarious manipulation.  By the time we get to Dubai, it’s Armand manipulating Louis, using the ghost of his artistic ambition to somehow placate him by mixing up his photos with those of more accomplished artists. 

There’s another aspect to that bench scene, which is Louis’s final rejection of Dreamstat. I think there are a few reasons he decides to do this now. Claudia’s outburst is very Lestat-like in her anger, and I think Dreamstat’s reminder that Claudia is both Louis and Lestat’s daughter prompts Louis to separate himself from Claudia (by choosing Armand over her) and Lestat. Dreamstat has also evolved into a reminder of all things gentle and domestic to Louis. He has become the voice of Louis’s inner tenderness as well as his skepticism, and as we have already established, Louis does not like to be reminded of this. If he is going to make the tenuous balance between Claudia, Armand, Santiago, and the coven work, he cannot indulge in vulnerability, not now. And while Dreamstat might currently be in his tender era, Lestat himself still represents the vampire teacher to Louis. His anger, his control, his viciousness are things that Louis has previously rejected. But in this power move over Armand, we see him embracing all of those qualities. So in some ways he has simply progressed beyond his need for Lestat.  He no longer needs Dreamstat because he has taken on all of Lestat’s worst qualities himself.  I love how the way that he asserts control over Dreamstat mimics the way he asserts control over Armand. And I love how the effect of Dreamstat disappearing looks like paint bleeding into water or a photo developing in reverse. Louis leaves behind tenderness, Lestat, art, and leans into his own power. 

In Dubai, Louis is detached from his art and critical of it. There are some interesting parallels here with Daniel, who isn’t a visual artist, but does seem to consider his writing an art and tries to use that to reassure Louis. Much like Louis, Daniel thinks of himself as a distanced observer, writing about the vampires with an outside lens. But obviously he is about to discover how much “in frame” he actually is. 

[karizard-ao3]

Sex and sexuality is a prevalent theme in NGE, and especially in EoE. What are your thoughts about this?

I've been sitting on this one (and therefore the other asks in my inbox because I like to do them in order) for a few days to see if I could come up with a nice, coherent answer, but, as always, I can't so I must ramble instead.

One of the things I appreciate about the way sex/ sexuality is addressed in NGE/EoE is how messily and amorally it is portrayed, because I feel like that's very realistic. Clearly, it is important to apply morality to sex in practice (like, getting consent, respecting the sexual boundaries of your relationship(s), etc), but internally it's all a sloppy grey area, and sometimes people are going to do questionable things in moments of weakness (ex. try to hook up with an ex's bff who you don't even get along with because you're drunk and still upset about the breakup). And we see that a lot in Evangelion, as well as the characters' conflicting feelings about it.

For instance, Misato. Do I actually think she was attracted to Shinji? No. I think she cared about him very much as a guardian, but when she didn't know how to comfort him/ encourage him, she turned to offering sex. I read someone saying that she sees sex as a source of comfort due to sleeping with Kaji as a way to get over her father's death, which could be true, but I'm not sure that seems quite right to me. I believe she uses it as a tool in some ways. As an escape in others. And as a way to manufacture emotional connectedness in other instances. Sometimes all at once. And we see that she feels conflicted about it as well, because she's not sure if she loves Kaji or is using him. Then, Queen Daddy issues saw her ward in a bad spot and, with everything going to shit around them, she tries to use sex as a tool to motivate Shinji and also show him that she cares about him (even though it was so incredibly inappropriate 😭). Anyway, for Misato, sex is the cure to the hedgehog's dilemma, I suppose!

And then there's Shinji. The only time he seems able to make any kind of advance towards Asuka is when she is asleep, which I do not think is a sign that he is a predator but more an indicator of how deeply pervasive his inability to open himself up to other people is. It is *symbolic*. It's not okay what he did, but I think we are supposed to see it as a symptom of his own self loathing, and that he wants to reach out and touch people but is too afraid to make the move when they are able to perceive him doing it. Shinji masturbating to Asuka's exposed body at the hospital was obviously wrong, but it also seems like the summary of his relationship with her and the version of himself that exists through her. I'm trying to think how to describe it. i've written and deleted so many things. I don't know. Ugh. When she cannot see him, he can finally reveal how desperate he is for her to be with him. She is the one he seeks out when everything goes to shit, although if she were awake, I don't think he could have been so honest about how much he needed her. But she's in a coma so he is free to beg her to wake up, then, when her robe falls open... you know. It's like he's carrying out his half of a relationship in a bubble, without every offering her the chance to join him. And he hates himself for it, just like he hates himself for what he did in her hospital room. He knows masturbating to her unconscious body was wrong. He knows she is more than just jackoff fuel. He know she deserves to actually be held and loved. But he is immobilized by his fear of rejection and how others see him (and also so unbelievably horny because he's a teenage boy). The kiss between him and Asuka is really unfortunate because if either of them had just given the other any kind of indication that it was special to them in any way, I think things would have gone a lot differently. Shinji believes Asuka was just doing it because she was bored and mad about Kaji being out with Misato (right? Am I remembering the circumstances right?), and then, because Shinji just stood there, Asuka believes that Shinji only let her kiss him because she grabbed his nose and forced him, and not because of any affection for her. They were both too afraid to be honest. Maybe if Asuka had been more patient, Shinji would have closed the space and kissed her. Maybe if Shinji had held her, she wouldn't have run away after, screaming about it being a mistake. Maybe it wouldn't have gotten to the point where the hospital scene played out the way it did.

Which brings me to Asuka, who is the last one I will talk about because I think these three are the ones with the more convoluted attitudes towards sex and also this is already getting long. I think Asuka was really profoundly affected by her father finding and hooking up with another woman while her mother was ill (her mother's doctor, no less). I think it gave her the belief that a woman who is able to provide sex is a woman who will receive loyalty and love. She throws herself at Kaji, an adult who she feels safe with and wants the approval of, because, to her, that is the way to secure his affection. When we first meet her, she shows off how big her boobs got. Could that not be her way of announcing that she is lovable? But Kar, you might say, she freaks out about boys looking at her panties and things. To which I say: Yeah. She's 14. She's putting on a show, just like in everything else she does, trying to prove to everyone that she is worthwhile. Look how artlessly she comes on to both Shinji and Kaji. She wants to be seen as sexy and desirable because to her that's a means to an end, which is making sure people have a reason to want her around and notice her. What she really wants to be cherished. If Shinji had been able to show her that he reciprocated her interest/attraction, then I think there would have been a natural progression in their physical relationship. In closing, Asuka exists in a perpetual state of conflict because she demands love in whatever way she thinks the can obtain it, but she does not actually know what the love she needs looks like. I think if someone simply hugged her and stroked her hair and told her how brave she's been, she would sob for a day and a night.

Whew. And, of course, my thoughts might change after I finish my rewatch and eventually get my hands on the rebuild movies and rewatch in the future, but that's where I am on the subject right now. And I didn't even address Shinji and Kaworu. But, I think that whole thing is pretty straightforward. Kaworu pretty much ignores all of Shinji's reservations and showers him in praise and affection and Shinji goes all heart eyes because it's the first time he's felt wanted and he's bi.

[theerurishipper]

Hello! I have a question about Marinette. It's clear to me that she struggles with control and may sometimes mistreat her partner, in my personal opinion. It appears that she lacks trust in Chat Noir, which is not only upsetting but also confusing.

Marinette seems to have a stable home life, and her school experiences, while not as dramatic as some fans portray, seem relatively normal. Her parents have a loving relationship, so it raises the question of why Marinette behaves this way. Where do her controlling tendencies stem from? It's perplexing to me that she doesn't seem to trust her own partner. It's almost as if she treats him as if he could potentially turn into a villain. Chat Noir goes to great lengths for her, yet we rarely see her reciprocate in kind. Her interactions often seem limited to positive affirmations and superficial gestures. I wonder whether this inability to comfort someone or communicate effectively is a result of her environment influencing her or if it's perhaps a consequence of her newfound powers affecting her ego.

I don't mean to criticize her character, but it seems that Marinette's acquisition of powers and constant praise, coupled with the lack of discipline or guidance from Master Fu and Su-han, has left her without a mentor or anyone to hold her accountable for her actions. Her role as the guardian and leader exacerbates this issue because she struggles with being upfront and truthful, especially with Chat Noir. The morality of the story seems quite protagonist-centered, and I can't help but wonder how things might have been different if Ladybug had a more assertive partner or a mentor to guide her in the right direction.

Marinette like my least favorite at least with Western Magical girl shows because of what she chose in the finale. I don't believe her intentions are necessarily malicious, but her actions in previous seasons have been frustrating to watch.

So, the thing about Marinette is that she sets very high expectations for herself. Just look at her arc about not being able to confess her feelings. She catastrophizes, she plans all these elaborate schemes accounting for every detail, she can't bear to let anything go wrong, because she has such high standards for herself and a fear of failure. She can't confess to Adrien because she's afraid of his rejection, and she spends the series trying to find the perfect plan to ensure that he won't reject her. Once she becomes Guardian, she has all these new responsibilities, these new burdens, and she doesn't want to fail, she doesn't want anything to go wrong. And so, she tries to control everything. Her controlling tendencies stem from her fear of failure and her high expectations of herself.

For the record, I will say that Marinette does trust Chat Noir. She trusts him with her life. But just because she trusts him doesn't mean her fears aren't there, and it doesn't stop her from acting in ways that don't quite convey that trust that she has in him. Marinette can get myopic about her problems, and she often has trouble understanding things from others' perspectives. She has the tendency to, for lack of a better term, make things about herself. Like in Illusion, for instance, when Adrien was being taken out of school by Gabriel because of Nino's plan, Marinette instantly starts talking about how she is a curse for Adrien and how she should stay away from him, instead of about Adrien. Does this mean she doesn't care about Adrien? Of course not. But she still gets so caught up in her own feelings that she fails to consider the feelings of those around her. She spends so much time trying to make sure that nothing goes wrong with her current situation that she fails to notice the bigger picture.

For example, see Hack-san. Marinette is leaving Paris, and so she focuses on the immediate problem that she is facing, that she's leaving Paris without a protector. And she finds a simple solution, give her Miraculous to Alya. Easy, problem solved, right? Except it's not, because she accounts for herself but not for her partner, who is understandably blindsided by a new substitute appearing instead of Ladybug. In the same episode, we see another example. Marinette is stressed and struggling and hurting, and she confesses to Alya that she is Ladybug in Gang of Secrets. Now Marinette has the support of her BFF and her stress is being alleviated, so everything is fine, right? Except, she doesn't consider how Chat Noir might feel about her breaking the rule they set together and that she should tell him (this is not salt on Marinette for telling Alya, she had every right to do so).

Marinette isn't the most empathetic person. She is very kind, very compassionate, very sympathetic, and she is overall a wonderful person. But she has trouble putting herself in other people's shoes and understanding their perspectives unless they tell her herself. She understands that the people around her are struggling and she feels the desire to help them, but she also doesn't quite understand their feelings themselves, and that can lead her to making her own conclusions. See Guilttrip, where Marinette (and the whole class actually) just jumps all over Rose when she learns she's not well without considering how she might feel about it. In Crocoduel, she tries to distance herself from Luka because she doesn't want to hurt him, without considering that, well, she is hurting him.

Marinette has the desire to help others and be there for others, and it is that compassion and kindness that make her so wonderful. But she can also find it difficult to understand others or put herself in their shoes. She doesn't easily understand other people's emotions, and she can't often look beyond her own perspective and her problems to see how she's affecting other people. Oftentimes, when Marinette has hurt someone, her remarks will be more self-deprecating than apologetic. Which is not to say that she isn't sorry, and I am not saying that Marinette doesn't ever consider other people's feelings, but it doesn't come easily to her, and she often requires other people to point it out to her. Alya points out to her that she is hurting Luka by avoiding him, Alya tells her to talk to Chat Noir, Chat Noir tells her to speak to Chloe about not giving her a Miraculous anymore... things like that. And naturally, not considering others' views on things also has the effect of making her feel like she knows best and dismissing others' perspectives, like in Dearest Family, when she dismissed the Kwamis' advice about Tikki's cosmic hunger, because she thinks the only way to handle things is her way.

So, what happens when you have a tendency to want to control things, a myopic outlook on your problems, and a lack of ability to consider other people's perspectives? Why, you get the Ladynoir conflict of Season 4.

Marinette in Season 4 spirals down a web of controlling information and deceiving her partner by keeping secrets and lying to him due to her new role as Guardian and also in part because of her trauma from Chat Blanc. None of this is malicious. Marinette trusts Chat Noir. When she says she'll never abandon him, she means it. When she says she wants him around, she means it. But that's not enough. Marinette wants to control all the information and stay in control so badly that she fails to see how badly it is affecting her partner. She feels like it's the only way to do things and fails to consider her partner's feelings and perspective because she thinks she knows best how to handle it. She gets defensive and irritated when he asks her to let him help. And it shows itself most clearly in episodes like Ephemeral, where in an attempt to stay in control of everything, she is ready to violate Chat Noir's trust in her and reveal his identity to Su-Han without his consent.

It simply doesn't occur to Marinette that she should do more than try to smooth things over with Chat Noir. Despite understanding that he feels left out, she smooths over the situation with assurances that she doesn't even end up keeping. Of course, Chat Noir isn't an open book, but he did make his displeasure clear, and she still didn't do anything to fix their issues. Look at Kuro Neko. Chat Noir gets upset and quits, but Marinette still doesn't introspect and think that maybe she did something wrong and hurt him. She doesn't apologize for her outburst; she doesn't try to think of what went wrong. In the end, Chat Noir apologizes to her for having emotions and she just gives him another "I still want you around," line that quickly loses meaning when Ladybug is bantering with Rena Furtive like she's her favorite in Risk. Even when Marinette says something, her actions prove otherwise.

But I will say, this is all alright. It's a realistic flaw to have, to not be able to consider other people's feelings all the time. Everyone does it to some degree. Marinette isn't doing this because of any malicious intent, she's doing this because she's stressed and tired and traumatized. Her outburst isn't good, but it is understandable. She shouldn't have yelled at Chat Noir, but she isn't a bad person. She's allowed to learn to do better and grow from this.

What does make Marinette seem bad, though, isn't even due to Marinette herself as a person. What makes Marinette hard to like, is when her flaws are met with the protagonist centered morality stick that Miraculous loves so much.

Because Marinette never has to actually confront her mistakes. She yells at Chat Noir in Kuro Neko, and the episode is full of Chat Noir telling her she did nothing wrong and ends with him apologizing to her. In the end of Strikeback, Marinette admits to her mistakes, but Chat Noir sees her distress and swoops in to absolve her of her wrongdoings, and she carries on without fixing anything or changing anything. She admits to her mistakes, but it falls flat because, well, they didn't really result in anything. She was never wrong to do any of it, really. It's not her fault that Felix stole the Miraculous. Chat Noir already accepted that he's just another one of her sidekicks now, and he previously learned the lesson that she didn't do anything wrong and that he is the one is being sensitive about it. Marinette is never truly wrong, and so she doesn't ever have to fix her mistakes or address her flaws. She doesn't have to learn to communicate better with others, she doesn't have to apologize for her mistakes, because she is never truly in the wrong and everyone will go out of their way to excuse and absolve her of everything.

And this protagonist centered morality is the reason for the Season 5 finale. Marinette lying to Adrien about his existence isn't framed as bad because she's the one doing it, and because Marinette is Good™, it's not a bad thing for her to do. She didn't learn anything from Season 4, because the writers don't think she did anything wrong. She's the best leader, she's the most amazing superhero ever, and the story bends over backwards to justify her mistakes and her flaws by having other characters simply forgive her or take on the blame themselves (and by other characters I mean Adrien). And when she does make mistakes that actually have lasting consequences, it isn't actually her fault, like when Felix stole the Miraculous from her. And this protagonist centered morality makes it so that Marinette doesn't really have to grow or change as much as she just has to allow the other characters to prop her up and relinquish their agency to allow her to shine. She never has to try to understand them, she never has to do all that weak emotional support shit, because she's the all-powerful and amazing Marinette, and Adrien is just her prize for when she wins and her emotional support partner.

You mentioned in your ask that she never offers support to Chat Noir like he does for her, and that she is never held accountable for her actions, and this is all the protagonist centered morality at work. The world revolves around Marinette, whatever she does is Good and Right regardless of what it is, even if it is something like gaslighting her boyfriend into loving his abuser. And unfortunately, that isn't something that is out of character for Marinette. She's been established to be someone who will do whatever it takes to protect people, and who's flaw is that she doesn't often consider their feelings on the matter when making choices that affect them, even when it comes from a place of love and care. And because of the protagonist centered morality, the show makes this seem like it's a good thing instead of portraying it as a flaw. That is what ruins her character for me.

I hope this answers your question. Thank you for your ask!

[somekindofsentience]

tomorrow won't come for those without, or exploring disconnection in the procession of mental illness and trauma

SPOILER? WARNING: This analysis assumes you have played the game's noise ending at least once. I'll provide screengrabs of things where I can. I do believe it's a masterpiece of a game, and would highly recommend it.

CONTENT WARNING: Discussions and allusions to suicide, severe mental illness, grief and religious trauma/criticisms of religion.

Tomorrow won't come for those without (TWC for short) is really... confusing. To the extent where I've got a notebook with pasted cut-outs of dialogue and imagery simply to try and... understand it.

As with much of the things I write about, I don't think it's designed to be understood - etherane's work often revolves around very personal and complex depictions of mental illness, as is evident from the hello charlotte series, so this is to be expected.

I want to discuss Rem, celestials and the Dithyrambs in this, saving conversations of Mari and the Choir for when I better understand it.

Rem is not human, he's a celestial - this is revealed in the noise ending, where he melts into his true form. We can also determine what type of celestial Rem is, from the way his form manifests.

Domain: Shadow; The Eldest. Distorts continuity, converting affected areas into liminal spaces.

Now, at first, I spent much of my time trying to associate these cards (and as such, the Celestials) to specific mental illnesses, but I realised it didn't work. While 'Domain: Post-Truth' (Card Type 3) could be associated with PTSD and 'Domain: Thighs' (Card Type 12) could be associated with body dysmorphia, many cards do not fit a specific mental illness, and much of them instead reference dissociation or other specific symptoms. It's somewhat implied Mari had the celestial present in Card Type 12.

It makes sense for a different universe to identify mental illness in a different way, considering there's little evidence that the characters have information on "pre-humanity". Instead of our current system surrounding mental health, the Choir demonises Celestials, and attempts to 'purify' them.

One particular line during the noise ending stands out to me.

"Tell me, how do I stop the noise in my head?"

Ori is not, by any means, a stable character. That's not to say Rem is stable, but Ori is somewhat less rational, losing his mind over the Choir and his Rosary. He devotedly follows the Conductor up until the noise ending, where he loses his grip on purity and reality, wanting to stay in the 'Dark' and '...play in the forest', rejecting the suppression of creativity by the Conductor.

The Dithyrambs is the noise in Ori's head - somewhat implied to be caused by the celestial. When Ori first wakes up, the Rosary insists that he must "...find the source of the Dithyrambs," perhaps implying that the Rosary is corrupt in the same way Ori and the Choir are, although it does not state to destroy the source. This noise causes Ori a lot of pain.

Alright. That is my discussion of the actual evidence present in the game. The next section is going to be a lot of personal speculation, on what I feel the game is representing.

I compare the relationship between Ori and Rem to that of Charles and Scarlett in Hello Charlotte 3, although it is framed differently. Instead of Rem being portrayed as horrific and irrational, Rem is scared, small; humanised, distrustful.

I believe that Scarlett Eyler and Rem represent fundamentally the same thing - intrusive thoughts, anxiety and OCD. Unlike Scarlett, who is fixated on tormenting Charles, Rem's representation of this manifests toward himself, and his desire to be caged for safety.

Fundamentally, OCD is a disorder surrounding fear. As much as it feels like your brain just, absolutely fucking hates you, it's as scared as you are. In a similar way, Rem is terrified of the liminal hotel that he and Ori reside in, and he's terrified of the outside world. He responds by shutting himself away - rather than Ori's desire to reach the end of the veils, Rem begins the game locked in a bathroom, and must be coaxed out.

Rem is incredibly "human" for a nonhuman being. Humanisation of intrusive thoughts is an interesting concept, especially considering the demon Scarlett Eyler was in HC3. Rem is far more disconnected from Ori, far more skeptical of the world around them. Rem isn't there to punish, but more to question and doubt, contrasting with Ori's inherently trusting nature.

Hmm. I feel like I haven't properly explained it, but I hope it somewhat makes sense.

Despite that, this is just my own interpretation of it, and I don't feel it really aligns with the game, necessarily. It's just me. lol.

song i listened to while writing:

I enjoy playing TWC with the BGM turned down and this song playing. It makes me feel pure, like my regrets can be washed off. I suppose that's not the point of TWC LMAOO.

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

You said you considered Carmilla poorly written, would you mind explaining why? Btw I don’t mean for this to come off as rude, I just want to hear your opinion

Sure! I mentioned it earlier just afer ep 3 and I stand by it. Generally, I'm bothered that she "hoped to keep blood off her face" while selling guns. Of course, I understand people who say, "Well, maybe she's just a hypocrite," but that doesn't seem to make sense. Where does this aversion to killing come from? Usually, when characters reject killing in a high-violence setting (e.g., Batman in Gotham), they do so because they believe they are a "better person", they have a strong moral code.

Carmilla is not a better person. It would be incredibly detached to think that selling guns but not using them makes her one, a level of delusion comparable to flat-Earther, and she is portrayed as a very grounded and reasonable character. Also, in her song, she mentions that starting a war would be dangerous for her daughters. But again, she sells guns, and selling guns in your neighborhood makes it a less safe place. Moreover, she's the one distributing angelic weapons, the very kind that could be used to kill her and her daughters. Making angelic weapons available to sinners is a game changer that turns Hell into an even more dangerous place.

Consider this: without them, no one in Hell would fear for their life except on extermination day. But now, people wealthy enough can afford an exorcist's level of power to terrorize other sinners. This woman is evil and unreasonable, yet the show portrays her as some sort of sage who is overall not that bad.

That's why I pray so much to have someone killing her daughters with a gun of her production sksksks

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Feeling vent-y today.

//Phantom Thieves of Hope might be the most emotional I have ever been writing a fanfic.

//I know this isn't really related to Survivor or anything, but one of the biggest things that I take into account when writing this story is the way that, how in the Persona series, there are many explorations of a character's psyche, both good and bad.

//Though it's always been in a different context each game, it always takes the inner desires, thoughts, emotions, and everything in relation.

//The very concept of the Persona's in the series themselves is that they are manifestations of a character's inner self, representing their true nature, desires, and fears. Central to the games is the idea of the "mask" people wear in society to hide their true feelings and the psychological tension that results from this duality.

//But there's so much more to it than that.

//The concept of "Shadows" in Personas 3, 4, and 5 refers to suppressed parts of the self. Shadows represent emotions that people would prefer to ignore or reject, such as fear, remorse, shame, or longing. Characters in Persona 4, for instance, have to face their Shadows, which are warped mirror images of their internal struggles, and this physical battle represents a PSYCHOLOGICAL battle with how people frequently suppress aspects of themselves that they find uncomfortable acknowledging, leading to internal conflict.

//Carl Jung's theories of Persona, Shadow, and the collective unconscious are greatly referenced in the series. How the characters in the series deal with their inner demons is largely influenced by Jung's theory that each person has distinct sides of their personality, such as the Persona, which is the mask they portray to the outside world, and the Shadow, which stands for the darker, hidden aspects. They are compelled to confront and reconcile these facets as a result of their interactions with Shadows, leading to personal development.

//Again, themes of self-acceptance are a major emphasis of Persona 4 especially. In order to awaken their Personas, characters who have difficulty embracing or knowing who they truly are must face their genuine selves. They change emotionally and mentally by accepting and embracing their shortcomings, fears, or unspoken desires; this represents the challenging process of self-discovery.

//It's not handled super well, but the idea is still there, and still very important.

//Persona 5 adopts a more comprehensive, sociological perspective, emphasizing how limitations and social influences affect an individual's identity, especially youths. The Phantom Thieves in the core series revolt against a corrupt society in which repressive institutions stifle people's actual personalities. So instead of people simply hiding their true selves behind a mask, it's moreso the societal pressure that FORCES them into hiding, and Joker, the protagonist, therefore becomes responsible in rescuing people from various mental prisons, as each Palace symbolizes a distinct type of psychological confinement in which the oppressor's twisted mind is reflected in the distorted wants of the oppressed.

//Phantom Thieves of Hope was originally created after I made some crossover artwork between this blog and the Persona series, as voted upon by you guys in the ask box. But as things stand, I have been writing the fanfic for well over a year now, and I genuinely believe that, purely because of the surprisingly perfect blend between Persona and Danganronpa as a pair of franchises, it's probably one of, if not THE, best fanfic I've ever written.

//Because in order to achieve all of the above and create a true feeling of the Persona series, it ultimately comes down to my psychoanalyzing the Danganronpa characters, looking for the reasons and emotional fluctuations behind each of their quirks, and by doing that, I end up putting them in the best light they could possibly be under.

//For example, as things currently stand, I am writing a few chapters that revolve mainly around Komaru and Toko.

//But unlike in both the core series and Survivor, these chapters are not looking at their relationship. They are looking in depth at the Despair Girls as INDIVIDUAL characters, and their own complexities.

//And the result in the end has brought them into a new light for me, and made me love them both even more.

//Danganronpa is chock full of characters who have hidden fears, doubts, and weaknesses, and it's very important that each character has these, because it's those exact fears and desires that allow Monokuma to manipulate them, and make them kill. In a Persona series, the confidant storylines of the core cast typically involve them confronting these exact established fears.

//Which is really interesting.

//Danganronpa examines human behavior under extreme psychological pressure in a life-or-death scenario, and it normally ends one of two ways: Personal growth, or mental breakdown. But when you add Jungian Psychology to the equation, it adds an extra layer, where characters not only face external death games but also their inner demons , making survival even more psychologically taxing.

//And it's amazing what I've been able to pull off in this fanfic that I've failed to do with Survivor, even though I've tried. But the thing is I know the exact reason WHY I haven't been able to do it as well here.

//For one, Survivor's cast is too big.

//Since it combines the main casts of the three mainline killing games, the spinoffs, several fangans, and some OC's, the main cast of DR Survivor is, AT MINIMUM, around 70 MAIN CHARACTERS. That's a lot for one guy to handle, and unfortunately, it means that not everyone gets the development they deserve.

//This is why the modern arcs of the story are so long. Because I want to give everyone a chance to shine and grow as effectively as I can. But with a more smaller ensemble of characters in PToH, with most of the main cast being extra's, it's a lot easier.

//Also, with the social context of Survivor, I can't show bias towards the characters who I love. It depends on what the audience wants to see, and that is kind of how I keep things running here.

//I do love Survivor, and I do love you guys, but the blog has never given me this much homework when it comes to writing my characters, wheras PToH basically makes me do full analyses to make sure I get everything right. Because every minor detail can say a lot about a character.

//For example, I had to basically go through everything in both this blog, and the core series, when I was writing the parts where Toko opens up her backstory. I had to absorb every last bit of it.

//And then I had to put it in a few chapters where Toko then has to do the ol' Persona thing of facing herself.

//She confronts her inner fears, her insecurities, and traumatic past. She has to learn to acknowledge and accept the parts of themselves she's been suppressing or running from. She has a psychological breakthrough, where she's forced to embrace both the light and dark aspects of one's personality becomes a source of strength.

//And for Toko especially, going through all that made me want to cry.

//Because it made me realize that Kazutaka Kodaka, as zany and weird as his story can get, is an incredible character writer, regardless of what people say about him. The real problem is that people are perturbed by the strangeness of it, and don't have it in them to explore deeper and see this series for what it truly is.

//Something incredible.

//And the same goes for the Persona series. It is the ideal fusion of psychology, social critique, and fantasy elements. Players are then asked to consider their own lives as a result of the storylines' imaginative exploration of subjects like identity, morality, and the meaning of reality.

//Combined together, it does sometimes make me think that one of the most important things to keep in mind is that we never know who the people around us are.

//For me, as a young man with autism, this is so important, because masking my true self is something that I feel forced to do. I often find myself in situations where I subconsciously know I'm not being my true self. Some of the things I do as such an individual include imitating social behaviors, avoid eye contact, mask my emotions, and refuse to talk about my personal interests, including these two franchises.

//Because I'm scared of the world, just as a lot of the characters in DR are, and just as a lot of REAL people are. But I've learned through these games that understanding your fellow human, and trying to keep hope and will in your heart is important.

//I know all that I've said is just incredibly corny, but it really puts into perspective for me that, despite it's problems, I am proud to be a fan of this franchise. Because I love it, and even if other people don't, I'm content with that.

//So I want to thank Kazutaka Kodaka, Shinji Yamamoto, and everyone who works with them. They changed my life for the better.

-Mod