#i ordered a lot of clothes too
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my new bjds have arrived i can’t wait to pick them up tonight after work <3
#i've bought my very first one during my trip in japan#im in love she's a bunnybunny potpourri shes the cutest thing#and ive ordered two second hand ones on vinted#theyre legit i checked#one from loong soul shes absolutely gorgeous fell in love with her face too#and a blank one from dream of angels so i can practice faceups im soexcited!!!#this one was quite cheap and old so i wont be afraid to mess up lol#im so exciiiteeeeed#and clothes#i ordered a lot of clothes too#i may have a problem lol#bjd#elequinoa#3615 ma life
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(pls be gentle on me im a furry artist...) i cant draw clothes so he's gettin a mild nudity warning. he usually wears the athletic top, goth sleeves/pants, & grunge waist........
but.
my drifter (warframe), arlen!
i still think i could do more to his right leg teehee...
#wyrm words#also im not puttin this on my art blog despite this bein My art bc like#well#mild nudity#warframe#OC: arlen#his leg is an amalgamation of like 5 injuries#his operator counterpart is Missing his legs below the upper leg scars so#technically he had at least the fucked up knee before that#warframe drifter#eeeeeeeeeee....#but uh!#in order from top down#his chest is the 'failed' deal w the MITW (his operator did not get this)#his left bicep is a shackle chafing scar#there's 2 sword-stab scars on his chest that come out his back#both upper scars are a 'gift' from wally bc they're a dick#arlen & red (his op) met & wally went 'oh boy you're missin some stuff :)' n hacked into his thighs#the mess on his right leg is a combo of a failing door on the zariman + a dozen & one arrow shots into the side of his leg#also one gunshot from narmer#(with love)#anyway i like to think his MITW is jus a complete dickwad. rebounded on him when he made the deal#'oh you want void too???' [BLAST]#the corruption on his extremities also came when he met his op#IM DONE TAG RAMBLING I JUS DO NOT WANNA PUT THIS WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE FROM STANDARD REBLOG#im v skittish hi#i cant draw clothes...........#oh i missed some#there's scars on his hands but they're jus from shawzin pluckin'#the strings bit into his fingers a lot bc he's p clumsy w precision actions
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I haven't had the capacity to maintain much of a presence online for years, though I'd really like to..! 🦊 But, I've managed to live a little, at least. I have some pretty pictures from my most recent boyfriend visit to share ✨🦊💦
I graduated university two years and a bit ago now, and I think I was planning to post about it in some way, but it left me so crumpled I couldn't muster the will to do it until the season had long passed... Moving out and out again has heaped heavy on top of that, too...
Hopefully I can get around to posting the little things I've made and done, and scrape together the effort to make more, too 🦊💖
When I get that far, you'll be able to find me and my stuff on foxy.gay (in addition to here and twitter horpfully) (it's currently just a bsky redirect, but i love to make website :3)
#hi#i miss the time when i interacted with folks on tumblr#and rambled in the tags of every reblog#i have no job or responsibilities#but even so my days feel too short and my energy too low#i still have the ambition though#i have things to make and fun to create#i went to university first and foremost to learn what i needed to make games and programs and websites#and. well. that was probably the worst way to learn it. if im honest.#but i did learn it either way. i wish so dearly to put it to use#yes that is beloved internet lion shanghai-ohmy with the matching rings#yes i kiss him every day when we are together. obviously#🦊❤️🦁#it has been a lot of fun getting to wear clothes and outfits i really love with his help#(and the help of Seattle weather + all the other freaks and weirdos on those streets 💝)#i posted this on twitter months ago#but convinced myself i wanted to have my website ready before posting it here...#but. i need to just post it and not let myself get hung up on doing stuff in order#pom#sam#myself
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ever since i discovered thrifting clothes online it is now a weakness of mine i’m like oh i can get this nice shirt for an affordable price? and then i have gotten 5 shirts at an affordable price and spent $80 😔✌️
#michelle speaks#it’s ok bc i have a lot of clothes i need to donate that are like really old & i don’t wear#bc i got them when i was 18 and was not dressing how i actually like to dress bc i didn’t know what to do w myself#so now i have a bunch of clothes that are like a little too feminine for me to wear so i need to stop hoarding them 😩#and then some other clothes that were not the best quality & i have worn them out at this point so like basically i need some new clothes#& thrifting is nice bc as i said i can get nicer clothes for a good price without promoting unethical practices ❤️ beautiful ❤️#but now that i have a better idea of things i actually like wearing it’s a lot easier for me to buy clothes & wear them a million times#but like. i have clothes i bought when i was still in high school lmfao. i still have the first plaid shirt i bought after watching spn 😭😭😭#it’s in my closet rn & i still wear it. bc it’s still good!!!!!!! i am just trying to emphasize that i am not like wasteful abt clothes 😭#idk why i think me saying i spent $80 on thrifted clothes comes across that i am wasteful abt clothing…….i am not the type of person to buy#clothes to wear it a single time i wear all my clothes a million times until i’m like oh i dont like this anymore :/#which is what happened w all of the more feminine stuff i had where i was like wait this does not align w my spirit at all#but like i wore all those clothes when i was first in college & was like why do i feel so uncomfortable all the time lol#but i also have stuff from then that i still wear. one of my favorite sweatshirts i bought when i was 18 and still wear#but yeah BASICALLY my point is that i have been hoarding a lot of old clothes that i don’t wear anymore that i need to get rid of#so i don’t feel bad abt buying a little more clothing bc i know i will have space for it. also i have been thrifting some professional#clothing which is nice bc that can be very expensive to get nice things so i am slowly building my professional wardrobe for when i need it#full time in the future. my mind basically. always 10 steps ahead. in clothing at least.#ok i have run out of things to say now if u have read all of this. idk. u r truly dedicated.#i only thrifted more stuff actually bc i didn’t get the youtuber sweatpants set lol. i had ordered a sweater i really wanted & i had a week#to add more to the order so bc i didn’t buy her stuff i added a few more things when otherwise i was only going to add MAYBE one thing if#there was smth i really wanted so um. i’m smart. i can budget. i can conceptualize things………
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made an irresponsible lord huron purchase tonight but what the hell else am I supposed to do when their next album is overdue
#it isnt SUPER irresponsible lmao it almost was because i almost started buying CLOTHING#i just bought the two vinyls i dont have yet and a stupidly expensive candle#anyway also i know no album is ''overdue'' but they released the first four with two year breaks in between and#its been two years :( summer of 24 was supposed to be the next#apparently they're playing some new songs on tour so people think the next album teasers will start dropping after the tour#but im starting to be filled with a very evil sickness lord huron where are you!!!!!! nobody gets it like you!!!!!!#also to be fair they made the entire score of a movie in between those two years so TECHNICALLY they DID release the next album#ITS NOT THE SAME THOUGH i need new songs with lyrics that make me feel like im being strangled (on account of the crying)#im not at all bored of their older stuff (which is wild to me bc i have adhd brother. all i do is get bored of things)#but in order for me to survive i need to be chewed up and spit out by music every now and then#and NOBODY does it like lord huron#twirling my hair around my finger spring 25 maybe?#also if that (frankly ridiculously) expensive knit sweater t shirt is still in the shop after the holidays#a second irresponsible purchase will be hitting my bank account lmfao#i have one shirt w their logo on it but its TOO SMALL#and im ANGRY ABOUT IT#why i didnt just return it and get a bigger size i will never know but they dont carry it anymore :(#ANYWAY they left me with ''i was born with an ace up my sleeve'' and expected me (ace) to just be normal about it????#please make lots of merch and music. its how i stay alive :)
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yea
#txt#i gotta bitch rq cos im pissed sorry guys#i hate tht u dont remember none of the shit u did. i hate tht u make jokes about it even. i hate tht it feels like im always the one#to wear the burden of iron wrought weights so tht u can learn how to mellow out and not do the same to my sister#‘you opened up a lot of doors for your sister’#yea cool im glad u chilled out and didnt also kick my sister out of the house while she was 1200 miles away with nothing but the clothes on#her back. yea cool im glad u didnt threaten disowning when she got a piercing. yea im glad she didnt have to sit thru the ordeal of u when#i first came out to u. im glad she didnt have to have our dead dad used as a damn weapon against her when she told you shes a lesbian#im glad you never sat her down and berated her for being queer for three hours and then sent her to her hole only to send her a long winded#email about how awful she is to you for being queer and how no one will be able to recognize or love her#i still have that email btw#im glad you came to me to ask for help when she was suicidal depressive instead of blaming her and insulting her and making awful#assumptions and insinuations about her#im glad you asked for help for her#but why couldnt you have been a mom to me too#why did i have to teach you all the wrong ways to handle situations so that you could handle them rigjt with her#why did i have to be the one to lockpick all of the doors in order to open them for her#whyd you have to put the locks on there in the first place#why werent you ever a mom to me#why wasnt i allowed to have parents growing up#whyd you have to hurt me since the time before i could make cohesive thought#why werent you a mom for either of us until you realized how heavily you screwed up with me#why did it take you losing me completely for you to start being a mom to my sister?#why did it take you losing me completely for you to finally listen to me instead of talk about why im wrong#im glad to have a mom now#but i couldve used a mom when i was a kid#why do you have to turn it into jokes#and why am i not allowed to be upset
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Some obligatory hiatus doodles
#amontag#vincenttag#soniasanderstag#vincent's waterproofing in action! He got a haircut recently but his mohawk is as stubborn as his personality.#Also a very rare moment of introspection from vince here. he's sorting things out. just a PSA here though I doubt I will ever make him date#Way too many things going on with him to consider a relationship of all things. He can have friends and family though :3#Amon has a few other forms. I was considering doing this sooner but now I'm extra happy with the idea#Why does he only have three? why only apex predators? that's some lore I'll divulge at a different time#He uses his croccy form most- including when he's humanoid because it's most convenient. No shedding and lots more defense#he can tank bullets and quickly get down to business too. not to mention his croc-form dulled his emotions when it came to his old work#even when he looks 'human' he is always in one of those three forms. He also dislikes getting fur in his clothing.#Adra has a similar influence from these powers but doesn't have any shifting. More like little characteristics#Vincent usually covers Amon's lack of speed and evasiveness while Amon covers Vincent's lack of defense and (comparative) strength.#They bounce off of each other's vibes way too well sometimes but can get the job done in a chaotic but efficient way. Sera buddies them up#She sometimes carries missions with Amon because of his previous experience and range of powers for certain missions.#vincent doesn't like taking orders from Ser specifically but has surprisingly learned the concept of restraint and polity from amon.#art#artwork#digital art#my art#my artwork#MY OCs#original character#OC#my OC#OC art#Illustration#digital illustration#ark_systema
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my day was nice but I spent a bit much
#found these two shirts that are PER-FECT for how I want to start dressing from now on#it's really hard to find fancy clothes that actually fit me well#so I just had to get them#I'm pretty sure tomorrow's flights are redeyes so hopefully I'll make it back in milage money lol#but yeah. nice day. I felt cute.#my makeup was so on point today that one of the members of the crew I shared the van with told me I was pretty??!#just. unprovoked.#they were all super nice lol too bad they're not my crew#so yeah. now I'm gonna order my favorite poke that is ALSO only available in brasília and then read some fanfiction#wow there's a lot of stuff I like that's only in brasília#maybe I should stop saying I hate this place lol#rambles*
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the dollar store did not have much for felt or fabric but i managed to scrounge everything i needed except for guz.ma's skin colour :(
i CAN make the janitor since they had a peach colour but I'll have to look around the house again to see if i can find anything that might work for guz's skin tone
#mannn dhfjfl unfortunately mother just did an amazon order the other day too#I could've added a bolt of the right colour felt to her order but i thought the store would have their big selection of felt sheets still 😭#they just had like... a big pile of felt and fabric all mixed together ?? idk what happened to their nice organized shelf :(#and they only had a little bit of felt fjdkdl it was mostly random patterned fabric#which would be fine and fun IF i had the skin bases done already bc then I'd just make silly little clothes for them#but unfortunately i need... the skin bases first fjfkfl to fit the clothing to#i dont have a good yarn colour for him either bc then I'd just crochet a base fhfkdl but AUGHH#I have ... acrylic paint thats the right colour or a little darker i think. and pillows that im going to use for stuffing#so maybe if i take the stuffing out of one of the pillows then i can dye the fabric with acrylic paint ...#I've done that before when i couldnt find the right colour fabric for a project a couple yrs ago#so i know it works decently well 🤔 depends on how sturdy the pillow material is i guess hmmm#i think i might have a spare white pillowcase if the pillow fabric itself isnt sturdy enough ... HMMM this might still be doable#theres nothing like having very little access to supplies bc of money and small town to inspire creativity LMAO#u learn how to do a lot of weird shit dbdhfkfl necessity inspires ingenuity or whatever the saying is#(with all that said - if anyone ever has a craft project theyre stuck on and want help figuring out how to do smth i may be of use LMAO)#dandy.cmd
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spent a billion dollars on clothes only to try them on today and get really really upset because they fit my body in a way that reveals the shape of my body, something that all garments always do. hell, even non-garments like towels and blankets. can't believe this happened again. i'm so disappointed.
#it was even a mixed order where i had ''boy'' clothes and ''girl'' clothes#which if anything really highlighted that the issue was me#HATE buying clothes#like i paid a lot of money to experience this :(((#also i feel insane bc i'm not sending any of them back#but i know if i sent them back and bought more it would literally just happen again#UGH#adam talks too much
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auughh i want to do too many things theres not enough hours in the day or dollars in my bank account
#heres my list of things i want to do in no particular order#get a personal trainer/steady gym routine - archery - horseback - horseback archery - play the flute - learn german - play with synths#learn to drum - learn to sew - customize all my clothes - get into every conceivable music genre - build endurance for marathons?#reads lots of poetry and literature - study philosophy and comparative lit - learn to brew my own beer (sorry lol)#i want to get back into russian impressionist art movements and composers - space technology history - honestly early american history is#rly interesting#i also want to maybe take a drawing class or teach myself the basics bc i can attempt things but dont actually know what doing - also paint#TO BE HONEST ALSO TAI CHI.. oh and i want to grow my own garden/herbs/make tea blends#not to mention. socializing ever.. like going to coffee shops and indoor rock walls and concerts#AND IM A TRAINED HERBARIUM CURATOR i could press my own specimens and mount them professionally. have a collection#my vinyl collection will continue to grow and i should try CDs too - and i want to learn tape manipulation te#ch. because why not#but i also need time in the day to wallow in solitude and darkness#Do You See My Problem
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kinda hate that my go-to non-merch clothing store choices are vans and hollister like we GET it im fucking californian
#their shit is surprisingly good quality and they often have good sales what can I say#but yeah also it’s a style thing. if I’m not dressing like a scene kid im dressed like a california santa cruz ass sk8r boy or surfer boy#i just ordered a few new things from hollister and im looking forward 2 it because the ripped jeans I got last year from there are like.#the best jeans I’ve owned since outwardly transitioning#which. I guess doesn’t say much on the surface cause I’ve only had like. three pairs of jeans in that time. but LOOK it IS significant#because finding jeans that fit right as a trans guy- even one who’s almost 2 years on t- can be a Struggle.#that + my weight = it’s difficult to find places that carry men’s pants in my size a lot of the time (26w x 30l)#sometimes a 28w fits depending on the place but. yeah it’s usually closer to 26. I have a tiny waist and decently longish legs#not complaining I like that about myself generally and I’m definitely thankful I’m somewhat close to average male height (only 2 inches#under the average in the us- im 5’7) but still#in other news I still need a new binder (preferably two really) but now I’m worried I spent too much money on the pants and stuff#I need a fucking job. so. bad#at least I have excuses for the hollister order- really good sale + I needed new pants and a business casualish shirt for job/job interview#related stuff. I cant keep wearing my fucking funeral clothes to job interviews and the pants I was using fit Bad#kibumblabs#no one needed to know all this I am just rambling in my diary that is tumblr dot com don’t mind me
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starting to think im a bard of void instead of being a knowledge class. i have the whole bardic crisis thing (oct 13 2013. sunday) the whole opposite aspect thing before that (Gifted Kid TM where part of my personality was bring smart. is very lightcore) and just how i seem to destroy everything i touch.
my aversion to lying and how terrible i am at it because its on a physical level in my body and i have to script it in advance (yes this is mostly autism) and not liking to keep secrets and being a blabbermouth. destroying void.
destroyed by void. getting FADED with weed. self isolation and most of my time being spent gaming or on the computer/phone. my awful terrible recurring dreams (dreams are void) that i have a fucking tag for. but the horrors have become almost mundane with how repetitive they are in my dreams and thats why i dont call them nightmares
#le p2iigh#the 'this classpect perfectly describes all my flaws' type of classpecter#no but my dreams are always like. im in school and i dont know why they wont let me drop out.#dont know if its college or What. but sometimes my former therapist is there. the one i had a crush on.#thats a thing i have with male mentor/teacher figures because of a Very Specifc Reason#other things that are always in my dreams. my dorm on the 3rd floor im always trying to figure out what clothes to wear whats clean#packing so i can go to the house that im living at that is specifically not home. wondering when i can go home to check on the cats#wondering why home looks so different its almost unrecognizable. my uncle is there. always. mom always has something Wrong with her#things being on fire near wherever im staying like next door across the street. most recently like the whole neighborhood.#not beating the doom player allegations with these descriptions.#heres more void coded things abt the dreams. being in/around bodies of water. theres one particular river i go to a lot its past some woods#the woods area separates the river and i walk upstream until i come across the widest part and the initial fork#theres always various Creatures in the water that im scared of.#this happens whenever im on the coast and in the ocean too. except sometimes theres stuff that wants to eat me#and thats not counting the kinnie dreams. either its ocean stuff that reminds me of being link.#or its like. i guess side order levels or something. and also more cursed than usual salmon run. on cursed stages. eels chasing me#(obvoiusly the agent 8 kinnie dreams)#my real life anxieties about the cat litter and taking a shower meaning i dream about having to do those things.#trying to find a place to lie down and sleep that feels comfortable for me but its impossible#thats. most of the recurring things in my dreams. my brain is tired and i interrupted myself doing Tasks for this.#i didnt expect to ramble about the recurring nature of all of these dream things. and obviously the tag is going here#adventures in losap#< the dream tag
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i high key think my paretnrs might be getting divorced :((( they have been fighting basically every night since i can remember but they always fought so i just accepted it but they started to go sleep at other people’s houses more and mum went away for almost a week and dad keeps going on work trips and tonight is the first time this has happened for two times in a row dads car is just missing and they keep fighting always always always i sometimes can’t go to sleep bcs they are always talking and mum is always crying now even though the entire time before i was 10 she cried only once in front of me and that was when grandad died. my mum literally had to take my therapy appointment (which i really really needed bcs ive been feeling like absolute shit lately) for herself because she was feeling awful. its all dads fault i really dont like my dad anymore he was never emotionally present when i was younger and he’s still barely emotionally present now. i think there is a very good reason his first marriage went badly and i think there’s a very good reason that for almost 2 years all my stepsisters hated my dad and i think there’s a very good reason why the girls stopped coming over for weekends but its not like my mum is perfect she always defends my brother im always in the wrong when i get in trouble and shes very generous with school and stuff but she enables josh and his awful behaviour i feel like i cant have shit in this house i cant wait to move out
#i don’t think it helps that a lot of the periodic self hate has come back#i think about being a man every day consistently#whenever i look in a mirror whenever i put on clothes whenever i even feel clothes on my skin#i genuinely felt so awful wearing shorts today bcs i felt like everyone was judging me and thinking i looked awful#ive really fallen into this awful pit of self hate and i just dont know how to stop it#like ill look in a mirror and my forehead is too big my skull is too big my shoulders are to broad my hair is dogshit my adams apple is sji#my nose is shit my eyebrows are shit my lips are shit my chin is shit my ribcage is giant my hands are big my elbows are big#i feel so fat and awful and ugly and it’s just so ughhh#ive started seriously trying to lose weight again and ive dropped 2 kilos but i still feel the same if not worse#i feel like ill be happy at 50kg but deep down i know that ill never be happy with my weight#ive started to call myself a freak and a tranny in my head consistently which isnt good#i feel like everything i do socially is so awkward#i feel like everyone secretly hates me but they are just being polite because im that much of a freak that i need sympathy#the stupid self deprecating jokes and suicidal ideation that i thought i killed years ago are all coming back#at least now i have plans to diy#even if it’s 4 months after questioning and 2 months after coming our#i get some money in cash as well as some ritalin for exams and give it to aspen and they order it for me online#hopefully that goes well bcs there’s not a whole lot else going for me
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"give me a beer, a lullaby, and a word in my ear" -guy at a speed dating event in my dream
#dream log#also had a dream that this green alien came up to me on the street and like wanted me to pick it up and take it somewhere#the like video game objective changed to#changed to go home#but i didnt know where that was so i just started running#but as i. running the alien is like bouncing and it starts blushing#and later when i put in down to kind ageg my bearings its like super wet#between the legs and im like. oh man i think i need to fuck this thing#and i know theirs a game mechannic where you can have sex in bushes and stiff but im like 'no ill just go home first' but when i pick the#alien back up i get a 'failed objective' notification cause i never made it home i guess :(#and another dream. i was back in middle school math. there was a seat that was right infront of and right next to two people i was friends#with plus super close to my crush (other side of my friend) and there was a guy sitting there#but he was like. literally a fly. so i snapped and he just dropped dead.#and i got to sit there. my friend then was like “see this?” and pointed to her lip#and i wa slike “yeah” even though i didnt see anything#and she was like “you can hide a lot of your burdens but you cant hide a hickey” and i was like. man. am i supposed to do somehting sbout#that? idk im pretty sure this is a dream. did she actually say this to me before? am i supposed to do somehting now?“. but then the dream#ended#THEN these are out of order but then i had a dream i was in some sort of summer camp thing? people kept going home. my friend M. went home#home and left me a bunch of her clothes. one of the guys asked some sort of question about sleeping with him. and i was like “no? lol.”#then i invited a different guy to come watch me change and that first guy was i guess also in the room and was like “you know people can se#you through the window right?“ and i was like ”duh. its ohio. thats kinda the point.“#so. whatever that one means.#THEN last one THEN my cousin drove me to an abandoned trailer to explore and it had “too lo” or something spray painted on it or somehting#so then he finished the word to say “too long” or somehting of that nature. and then spray panted the handle of the door blue#and we went in side but the inside was all done up? like really fucking fancy#the kitched was completely lainted in this van gogh style and my cousin goes “this isnt haunted... its fixed up.”#so wel left. i think be showed me something else before that too but i dont remember#in the summer camp one i spent a long time trying to find these snake/pomegranate earings? they were blue abd green
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I love shopping for rings and discovering that my fingers are too fat to try any on and order from websites 🥲
#something something ‘my hands do a lot for me I should t be ashamed’#something about legit jewelers being able to order and resize rings anyways#I’m already too fat to try on most clothes at stores I can’t even try on jewelry???
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