#i only ate coffee with milk and crackers yesterday

[foxyk7]

{COMMISSIONS}

[13-reasons-ideas]

Can’t Go Back Part 18

A/N: This chapter got away from me a bit. It’s over 6 thousand words so tuck in guys. I hope you like it. And as I’ve said before, any time a character gets sick in this, it’s nothing more than a flu or common bug. Given this is a Before chapter, COVID didn't exist, but just given the situation currently. I feel like it is important to say that. Just a note on temperature. According to Google 52 degrees F is roughly 11 degrees C. 45 degrees F is roughly 6 degrees C. For my fellow non-USians. Feedback is appreciated as always and much love. -Em

Winter formal was upon us. It was only one day out now. Jeff was still on me about going, like he had been for weeks. I still had no intention of going. And as luck would have it, I had just run into the perfect excuse not to go. I woke up Friday morning to my stomach cramping and churning. Oh god this is awful. I feel like I got hit by a truck. Before I even had time to wake up wake up, I rolled over and grabbed my trashcan. My body shook as I coughed. Sitting up, I flung my legs over the side of my bed. My mom knocked on the door. “Addison? Are you alright honey?”

“Yeah Mom. I’m okay. Just not feeling very well.” She opened the door and peeked inside.

“Let me check your temperature.”

“Can I brush my teeth first?” Mum looked around the room cautiously.

“Of course. I’ll be downstairs. Come down whenever you’re ready.” I nodded and held my stomach.

I went downstairs once my teeth were cleaned and I had rinsed my mouth several times. Mum and dad were in the kitchen. I groaned. The smell of coffee brewing was making me queasy. “I already called the school. You’re staying home today.” Mum said, coming to fawn over me. I waved her off.

“Okay. I’ll call Justin and tell him he needs to get himself to school.” I grabbed a pack of saltines and a Gatorade to take upstairs.

“Feel better.” Dad called after me. I heard him say to mum that it probably wasn’t really that bad. “She should still go to school.” Mum didn’t answer. I changed into a different pair of pyjamas and crawled into bed. My crackers and juice were set neatly on the nightstand by my bed. I grabbed the book I was reading last night. As a last-minute decision, I grabbed my trash can and pulled it closer to the bed.

I called Justin after I got comfortable. “Hello?”

“Morning Justy.”

“Morning Addy.”

“I’m sick.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. You’ll need to find your own way to school today.”

“I can do that. Are you sure you’re sick? Or are you just trying to get out of going to Formal?”

“I have crackers and Gatorade. I wasn’t even out of bed yet.”

“Oh.” He exclaimed. “Um. Yeah. You stay in bed. And remember to drink water. And dry toast.”

“I will. Can you grab my homework? And tell Jeff Atkins that I’m sorry I won’t get to enjoy the magic of Winter Formal tomorrow.”

“Sure thing. Feel better.”

“Mhmm. Love you.”

“Love you too.” I rolled over in bed and tried to get a little more sleep. It was a useless venture. I spent half an hour tossing and turning. I couldn’t get comfortable. It was too hot with the blankets on. It was too cold with them off. One leg out didn’t feel much better. My head was starting to hurt. My stomach was doing flips and cramping. Frustrated, I threw the covers off and went to the bathroom. The bottle of Tylenol was shoved in the back of the medicine cabinet. I took two of the foil packets and went back to bed.

Briefly, my mind went there. I had a flash of another kind of foil packet. And a flash of a calendar. My eyes widened slightly before I counted. Then I remembered that we hadn’t not used a condom, ever. I had an IUD. We were protected either way for…. I couldn’t think the word. We also hadn’t had sex in a month. And I had gotten my period between then and now. I sighed in relief. That thought did make me realize I hadn’t texted Monty yet. I took my phone again and saw that he had texted me about fifteen minutes ago.  

Morning Addison. I swiped left and his message opened.

Morning Montgomery.

You’re up late this morning.

I’ve actually been up.

Oh? Everything okay?

Yes and no.

??

I’m kind of sick. But it’s nothing to worry about.

You sure?

Yeah. I’m alright. Just need to eat my crackers, drink my juice, and sleep. On the plus side, I can get out of going to the dance without lying to Jeff Atkins.

I can come by tonight if you want.

I’ll think about it.

Okay. A few minutes later he sent me another text. Why do you call him Jeff Atkins and not just Jeff?

I dunno. He calls me Addison Hawthorne. No one else does it. It’s kind of just a thing we do.

Can I call you by your full name?

No.

Not even occasionally?

No.

Why?

Is your name Jeff Atkins?

No?

Then there is your answer.

Fine, fine. Feel better, okay?

I’ll try.

I’ll text you later baby.

Mmkay. The Tylenol I took was starting to kick in and my eyelids were getting heavy. Before I could drop it, I put my phone on the nightstand. I woke up again around noon. My stomach was feeling a little better, so I sat up and ate a few crackers slowly. The medicine had worn off by now. I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my missed notifications for a bit. Nothing too interesting had happened. I sighed heavily and tossed my phone to the side of my bed.

My book was more interesting than I expected it to be, and soon enough I was almost done. The tri-tone buzz of my phone distracted me. I rested the book in my lap and grumbled to myself. “Who’s texting me now?” It was Jeff Atkins.

Hey Addison Hawthore. Justin tells me you’re sick. I hope you aren’t trying to just avoid the dance.

Jeff Atkins. I would NEVER. I am definitely sick. Doesn’t seem like anything major though. Probably be at school Monday. I trust you will give me a very thorough report on all things Clay Jensen and Hannah Baker?

Glad to hear. Leah says feel better by the way. I’ll find you.

Tell her thank you. Now. I don’t want to be rude, but I’m almost done my book.

See you Monday Addison. I didn’t answer him. I texted Monty instead.

Don’t worry about coming over tonight. I should be fine by Sunday. I’ll see you Monday.

Sounds good.

The rest of the day I lounged in bed. My mum came in to check on me when she got home. Saturday was much of the same as Friday. I stayed in bed. I read another book. I slept. My illness was doing better. Not well enough to go to the dance, but I could handle toast which was a good sign. Justin called me while he was getting ready at Bryce’s.

“Hey Justin, what’s up?”

“Getting ready with Bryce and the guys.” I could hear the boys roughhousing in the background and Justin’s voice seemed far away. He must have had me on speaker.

“Hi boys.”

“Hey.” They called back.

“You stuck me with him tonight.”

“I’m sick Bryce. I would not be very much fun or help at the dance tonight.”

“You say you’re sick.” Bryce kidded back. He must be in a good mood.

“Would you like me to describe to you in detail what I spent my day doing yesterday?”

“Not really.”

“Didn’t think so. Now boys.”

“Yeah Addy?” Justin asked.

“I need all of your attention.”

“We’re listening.” Zach laughed.

“Oh no. Is she going to give us the lecture?”

“What lecture?” Anders asked.

“Yes. She is.” I said. “Please try to keep the shenanigans to a minimum.”

“But they’re fun.” Justin complained.

“So is not getting arrested. Do not add to the population. Remember that is often a permanent commitment.  However, I do support the right to choose. Do not fight anyone tonight. And please, for the love of God, if you are going to drink, do not spike the punch bowl. Do not be that guy. And don’t be messy drunk. I want to hear no stories about messy drunk athletes come Monday. And another thing, do not drink and drive. If you need a ride, my mum is perfectly happy to go get you and take you home.”

“She took the fun out of a dance in two minutes.” Someone grumbled.

“That was not me taking the fun out. I’m more than okay with some shenanigans. I encourage some. Please have fun for me. I just don’t want you getting anyone pregnant. You’re all old enough to go to the drugstore or the corner store and buy yourselves some damn condoms. If I can go do it, so can you. As for the drinking and driving thing, a DUI is bad. Especially when you’re underage. My mum likes Justin. So she will gladly give someone a ride if they need.”

“Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Back up. You have condoms?” Bryce asked.

“I’m not the Virgin Mary.”

“Who could you possibly be having sex with?”

“None of your business. And I swear Bryce if you say Justin.” I laughed. I may have said too much.

“You’ll what?”

“She won’t anything. I will.” Justin laughed.

“Oh! One more thing. Don’t screw up Clay’s night.”

“Fine. We won’t. Gotta go, bye.” Bryce said. I could hear him grumbling before Justin hung up. “Wonder how far she’ll go with Jensen, hey Justy?” I rolled my eyes. How can he go from fun and not horrible to a disgusting pig in thirty seconds flat?

By Monday, I was back to feeling like myself. I grabbed a soft cream sweater from my closet and paired it with a floral skirt. A worn in pair of black combat boots and silver studs rounded out the look. I left my hair down to let it air dry without a weird kink in it. Bounding down the stairs, I smiled brightly at my parents. “Morning mum. Morning dad.”

“Morning sweetie.” My mum laughed brightly. My dad looked at me strangely.

“You’re awfully happy this morning.” My smile faltered slightly.

“Well, I’m not physically sick today. I think that warrants being happy. And it’s the last few days before winter break.” There was a voice in the back of my head I tried to ignore. I was happy. I plastered on a smile and grabbed a packet of oatmeal. Silently, I warmed my milk and stirred my breakfast. My parents were going over their schedules for the day. It was just about grade deadline for mum, so she had a stack of tests and papers in her office. Dad was already prepping for tax season in a couple of months. The office at work was stacked too, I’m sure.

“I’m going to take this to school.” I mumbled.

At school, I grabbed my cup of oatmeal to eat before class. “Peaches and cream. Interesting.”

“Jesus.” I gasped. “Morning Monty.”

“Morning Addy.” I began walking to my locker. He fell into step beside me.

“Did you need something?” I was sure people were watching us.

“No. Just wanted to say hi.”

“Okay? You know we are at school, right?”

“Yes. We have chemistry together. Is it really so bad to walk to your locker together?”

“I don’t know Monty.”

“For all anyone knows, I’m looking for Bryce. Who will probably be with Justin. Who will be at your locker.”

“I guess.” I sighed. I handed him my cup of oatmeal. “If you’re going to follow me to my locker, hold this while I get my spoon.” Pulling my bag around me, I took the spoon from the front pocket. Monty handed back my breakfast for me to eat while we walked.

“Peaches and cream oatmeal.” He muttered.

“Huh?”

“Nothing. Just making a mental note.” He smirked. I could see the smile behind his eyes though.

“It was on sale. It was this or plain and plain oatmeal is….”

“Plain.”

“Exactly.”

We made it to my locker, where it just so happened that Justin was waiting for me. With my least favorite white boy in tow. “Hey Justin. Walker.”

“Addy.” Bryce nodded.

“Feeling better?”

“Much. What did I miss Friday?”

“Not a whole lot.” Justin shrugged.

“A better question would be what did we miss?” Bryce asked, looking between Monty and I.

“I was on my way in when I saw her pull in. Figured I’d stop and tell her about what she missed in chem.”

“Which apparently wasn’t much.” I shrugged, scraping the last of my breakfast up. “I need to go to class. I expect a full report on what I missed at the dance at lunch.”

“Jeff will give you one. Don’t worry.” Justin laughed. “You’re awfully invested in Clay and Hannah.”

“I could have been invested in you and Hannah. But….” I looked at Bryce briefly. “Here we are.”

“I don’t think she put out for him, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Monty added.

“Gross.”

“Don’t think he would even know how.” Bryce laughed.

“And I’m leaving. Be nice boys.”

My classes were abuzz with talk of the Winter Formal. Mostly talking about what so and so wore, or who such and such was dancing with, or that one song Tony played that went like this or that. Clearly, I hadn’t missed much. Apparently, Jessica had had one or four too many nips off Bryce’s flask. I rolled my eyes internally. I mean, at least the boys weren’t messy. By the time lunch came, I was excited to hear about anything that wasn’t the dance. I knew, of course, that wouldn’t be the case. But still.

Sliding into my usual seat next to Justin, I placed my head on the table. “What’s eating you?” Scott asked.

“Nothing. I’m just bored of hearing about the dance.”

“It wasn’t that bad. And you haven’t heard Jeff’s retelling of Clay Jensen and Hannah Baker’s dance.”

“I want to hear about that. And then nothing else.” He nodded in understanding.

“Seriously though, are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah. Just had a long weekend is all. Guess it knocked more out of me than I thought.” I heard him hum. Jeff laughed jovially as he sat down. How can one man be so damn happy all the time?

“You missed quite the dance on Saturday, Addison.”

“It seems that way. Though, anything would be better than what I spent the weekend doing.”

“Fair. You’re feeling better?”

“Yeah. Just tired now.”

“I bet. Now. About the dance. More specifically, Clay and Hannah at the dance.”

“Yes. And then no more dance talk please.”

“Okay. So, Clay was being a wallflower.”

“As usual.”

“Yes. But he was sitting on the bleachers across the gym from Hannah. And he waved and nodded at her. When I told him to go, he was all ‘I can’t dance’ and so I was like ‘no one can dance. It’s a dance.’”

“Of course. No one likes the ones who can dance.”

“That’s what I said! He was awkward as hell and then they were cute. Danced around like idiots. Had the best time. Leah thought it was fantastic. I was waiting for the slow song that was coming. Or I hoped it was. And then it did. They were awkward again.”

“Right.” I adjusted my position and leaned in to listen to him better.

“Hey gu-.” Justin said, sitting down.

“Shh.” Charlie cut him off. “Jeff is telling a story.”

“They almost kissed.”

“Almost?”

“But then Jess….”

“Ah, this part of the story I know. She was messy. And Hannah cleaned it up.”

“Yes. But that was the dance. Good time.”

“I’m sorry I missed it.” The boys around me spent the rest of lunch having their own conversations. Or giving me their own rundown of the dance. I tuned most of that out. It was hard to pretend not to notice the small glances Monty was sending my way. I sent a few his way too.

Christmas break, finals, and January flew by. Before any of us knew it, it was February. Valentine’s Day was fast approaching. Which, if you didn’t know from looking at the calendar, you certainly knew by the annual Oh My Dollar Valentines posters. There were little heart shaped boxes of chocolate at all the stores in town. The price of roses soared exponentially. I rolled my eyes as I passed one the first day of February. Justin tried to get me to buy one that day.

“No. I’m not interested in paying for cheer camp.”

“You’re always on my ass about school spirit.”

“Yeah. Because like it or not, you and your friends run this school. School spirit is not paying for the wonderful cause of sending the squad to cheer camp.”

“Fine.” He grinned mischievously at me. I watched him reach into his pocket as we passed one of the many tables lining the halls. “Two Dollar Valentines please.” My eyes widened.

“Justin. No.”

“Oh but it’ll be fun.” He laughed.

“I don’t care.” I couldn’t help but smile. He held it out to me, but I shook my head. “No way.”

“Suit yourself. I know you well enough to fill it out for you anyways.” Justin grinned and stuck his tongue out at me. You little shit. I reached out to grab the paper from him. I was going to return it. He held it above his head. I tried to grab it again and he waved his arm around.

“Give it to me.” I laughed.

“Nope. Get taller and maybe I’ll consider it.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Well then I guess you won’t be getting the survey.” I huffed at him. He lowered his arms and I tried to take it again. He pushed my hand away and took off running. “It’ll be an exciting surprise.” Justin yelled as he ran.

“Justin Foley!” I yelled back. I love that boy. But sometimes I just want to…. Oh. What am I going to tell Monty?I sighed and turned around, intending to cut Justin off at his first class and steal the stupid survey from him. When I turned however, I collided with someone.

“We should really stop running into each other like this. People might think we are together or something.” Monty said.

“Or they’ll think you have a thing for me. Since you seem to be the one who always approaches me.”

“That is definitely a possibility.” He handed me my keys. “Might need these later. Wouldn’t want someone finding them and trying to use them.” He started to walk away backwards. I followed after him.

“I highly doubt someone would try to steal an ’09 Camry.”

“Never know.”

“Besides. It’s Evergreen County. Nothing ever happens here.”

“True. I’ll see you at lunch?”

“Yeah. I need to have some words with Justin Foley.”

“Uh oh. Trouble in paradise?”

“Maybe.” I rose a brow. Monty gave me a funny look. “I’ll explain later.”

At lunch I stopped Justin in the hall on the way to the cafeteria. Pulling him into an empty classroom, I locked the door. “I need that survey back Justin.”

“Why?”

“Because I have no interest in going on a valentines date with someone. You know I hate Valentine’s Day.”

“It could be fun.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“Well, you have thirteen days to change your mind.”

“What do you mean?”

“I submitted it on the way to second period.” I blinked at him. Did he just say…?

“You what?”

“I submitted it already. You’ll be receiving a list of ‘promising matches’ on Valentine’s Day.” Oh no. Throwing my head back, I sighed very heavily.

“I hate you.” I groaned.

“I love you too Addy.” Justin brushed past me to leave. “I’ll save you a seat?”

“Nope. That’s okay. I need a break from the testosterone today.”

“Okay.” As soon as he was gone, I texted Monty.

Hey. I need to talk to you. Can you meet me in the library?

Yeah. Bring a book?

Please. My locker was on the way, so I grabbed my books for the rest of the day.

There was a table free in the back of the room. I snagged it so Montgomery and I could have some privacy. He found me a little while later. I was pretending to be taking notes. In actuality, I was doodling and trying not to think about his reaction to Justin’s little stunt. Or reactions. “What’s going on?” He asked as he sat down.

“Hi to you too.”

“Sorry. Hi. What’s going on?”

“So don’t freak out.”

“Don’t start with don’t freak out and I won’t freak out.”

“Justin uh,” I paused.

“Justin? What?”

“Justin filled out and submitted a Dollar Valentine for me.” I quickly added, “I didn’t ask him to. He just bought it and did it. I was going to get it back from him at lunch, but he submitted it on his way to second.” I looked up. Monty was staring at me. And he was… what is he doing? And then his lip twitched. He was trying not to laugh. “What?”

“That’s what this is about? That is what was so urgent?”

“Yes?”

“The fact that Justin Foley filled out a Dollar Valentine for you?”

“Yes?” I was extremely confused.

“Addison. I really don’t care if he filled out a stupid survey for you. Are you going to go on the date?”

“Of course not!”

“Then I don’t give a shit.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good.” I was still a little hesitant to say anything. “Oh. I should probably mention. I hate Valentine’s Day.”

“Really?” He frowned in confusion.

“Yes. Is that really so hard to believe?”

“Honestly? Yes.”

“Why?”

“You’re a romantic.”

“I know. Which is why I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s the least romantic holiday. If you want to do something nice for me, or get me flowers, show me that you like me, do it on a random day. Not when you have to because it’s a Hallmark holiday.” I was careful not to say the word love. It may have been five months, which is a long time in high school, but we weren’t there yet.

“So, you’re a romantic who hates Valentine’s Day. Okay. Coffee date though?”

“Sure. But not because of what day it is.”

“No. Of course not.” Monty winked at me and then got up to leave. “Come find me after school.” I nodded.

“I’m going to stay here and make Justin sweat a little.”

The next couple of weeks passed slowly. I had forgiven Justin for filling out a Valentine for me a couple of days after he submitted it. After school on the thirteenth, I ran to Walplex to get ingredients for macarons. I browsed the aisles in search of almond flour and raspberry flavouring. Before I left the lot, I texted Monty. Turns out you’re worth it after all. He was busy with practice. I didn’t expect an answer any time soon.

At home, I unloaded my ingredients and put the carton of egg whites in a bowl of lukewarm water to come to room temperature without overheating them. “Hey Siri. Play State Champs on Spotify.”

“Playing State Champs.” I sang along quietly while I went about making my macarons. I said very kind and loving things to the batter aloud. In my head, I was swearing at them with words that would make a sailor blush. He really is worth it.

Dad came home while I was piping the batter onto the Silpat.

“Hi.”

“Hi. What are you doing?”

“Making macarons for my friends.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow.” I shrugged. Dad scoffed and shook his head. “What?”

“Nothing.” He snapped. My face didn’t react. Inside, I felt the familiar sensation of becoming smaller and my insides closing in on themselves. Just ignore him. It’s okay. You’re okay.

“Okay.” I replied meekly. Instead of responding, he went and shut himself in the office. I sighed softly to myself and started on my macaron filling while the cookie batter sat on the tray.

Once my cookies were baked and cooled after dinner, I began to fill them. I picked a Wilton number 18 tip, a small star, and piped chocolate ganache around a raspberry on half of the cookies. When they were all filled, I topped each one. Then I carefully placed them in a container and grabbed several napkins. I also put five each in two disposable aluminum containers. One for Justin. And one for Montgomery. “They won’t notice if one is missing.” I muttered to myself. I took a bite, and it was perfect. Not hollow. Still had a chew to it. The outside was crisp. The slightly bittersweet filling complemented the sweetness of the cookie Perfect. I moaned softly. Setting the containers in the fridge so they didn’t melt overnight, I went upstairs to take a shower and get ready for bed.

The next morning it was Valentine’s Day. As much as I hated the holiday, I wasn’t opposed to dressing up. I dug around my closet for something to wear. I had a red circle skirt in mind. I just needed to find something to wear with it. “Hey Siri, what’s the weather today?”

“It’s currently cloudy and forty-five degrees. The high is expected to be fifty-two degrees and the low will be forty-five degrees.”

“Thank you.” Only fifty-two. I can wear a sweater. I pulled out a couple. The red cable knit was too match-y. The plain black was too plain. My last option was a black sweater with white hearts. This is nice. Shrugging it on, I pulled on a pair of black tights to cover my legs. Topping off the look with my favourite diamond studs and a simple charm bracelet, I checked the clock. I had time to paint my nails.

Soon, I was ready for school. I redid my nails in a nice nude shade. Knowing I was going on a date today, I went quite neutral on the makeup. I wanted my skirt and top to be the focus of my look. My parents were putting their breakfast away when I went downstairs. “Morning guys.”

“Morning sweetie.” We exchanged pleasantries with each other. “You look lovely Addison.”

“Thanks Mum. May not like today, but it’s an excuse to wear this sweater.”

“Very true.” She kissed my cheek gently, so her lipstick didn’t transfer.

“Why are there three containers in the fridge Addison?” Oh crap. Uh….

“Because one is for Justin, one is for my friends to share, and the other one is for me when my friends inevitably leave me with none.”

“I see.” He didn’t sound convinced. Or interested for that matter. When does he ever sound interested? He called after me as I was leaving. “Remember your mother and I are going out tonight for dinner and date night.”

“I know.” I smiled at him. “You kids have fun. I’ll see you in the morning.” I smiled brighter when he dipped my mom and kissed her. Gross but so cute.

“I love you, Margot.”

“I love you too, Brooks.” My mom replied.

My friends were waiting at my locker when I got there. “Hey guys. What’s going on?”

“Justin said you were bringing macarons to school.” Charlie grinned.

“Ah yes. You’re here for snacks. Of course. Hey Clay.”

“Hey Addy.” I shooed the boys away from my locker so I could put my bag in and take out the large container.

“These are for sharing.”

“We know. We can share.” Bryce nodded. Sure, you can. I rolled my eyes playfully. Then I set about passing each of the plethora of boys gathered around my locker a napkin. And then I gave them one macaron each. Jeff got two so he had one to give to Leah.

“Why does he get two?” Luke complained.

“Because he has a girlfriend. And I like her. Do any of you have girlfriends I like?” My eyes shifted to Monty minutely. He smirked softly and quirked a brow quickly. No one seemed to notice. “No? Then you get one for now. You can have more at lunch.” The bell rang. The boys began to disperse to their respective classes. I grabbed Justin and gave him his container.

“You’re the best.” He grinned and kissed my temple when he pulled me in for a hug.

“So are you. Now go get educated.” I texted Monty as I walked to class. I’ll give you yours after school.

I think I like being worth it. This is delicious. Why don’t you make these all the time?

Make them with me sometime. You’ll see.

On my way to lunch, I stopped to pick up my Dollar Valentine. “Hey Sheri.”

“Addison! Oh my gosh. When I heard you filled out a survey, I almost didn’t believe it.”

“Justin did it.”

“Oh. At least he knows you. I hope you get better matches than I did.”

“We’ll see.” I waited while she printed out my list. I glanced at it when she handed it to me.

Andrew B.

Cody K.

Daniel R.

Justin F.

Bryce W.

“Oh. My. God.” I laughed.

“What?”

“I matched with Justin. And Bryce Walker. How the hell?”

“Well, Justin knows you best. And he did the survey for you.” Sheri shrugged.

“Okay fair. But Bryce?”

“I don’t have an answer there.” We both laughed and I left to go to the cafeteria to join my friends. While I walked, I called Justin.

“Hey Addy, what’s up?”

“Hey Valentine. Have you picked up your matches yet?”

“I’m just looking at them now. I was just about to call you to see who you matched with.”

“Well, I think you’re my best match.”

“No one else up to your standards?” I was behind him now.

“Nope.” He turned and hung up. “But I have very important plans tonight, so I’ll need a rain check.”

“No problem. Your annual Bones marathon?” Sure.

“You know it. Next season is the last one.”

“Since I can’t take you out tonight, at least let me escort you to lunch.” He held his arm out to me. I grasped it dramatically.

“Such a gentleman.” We laughed hysterically.

Montgomery loved the macarons. We met at Monet’s after school to get coffee to go because it was crowded. Thankfully no one questioned us if they saw us. They were too wrapped up in their own dates to be concerned about us. Our date was wonderful. There was no chocolate in heart shaped boxes. There weren’t any overpriced roses. Just the two of us spending time together privately. Since my parents were out for the foreseeable future, he came back to my place. We hung out for a bit until he had to leave to avoid my parents. All in all, it was a pretty good Valentine’s Day. He found it hysterical that Justin and I were matched for Dollar Valentines.

Spring had sprung in Evergreen in mid-March. By the time April rolled around, flowers were in full bloom again and it was getting warmer and warmer. On a particularly nice Saturday, I woke up in an unusually good mood. I looked out the window and it was sunny, not a cloud in the sky. As I was sitting in bed, I looked around my room. My camera caught my eye on my bookshelf. Maybe today is the day I introduce Monty to my camera. I got ready but didn’t get dressed. It was still early for a Saturday. And I knew Monty was a big fan of sleep.

After an hour or so of putzing around in my room, I decided to call him. “Morning Addy.” He answered. His voice was still thick with sleep. I smiled.

“Good morning sunshine.” I heard him shifting in bed.

“You’re chipper this morning.”

“It’s nice out. It’s finally spring.”

“It is.” He smiled.

“I was wondering if you had plans today?” I eyed my camera.

“No, I don’t think so. What did you have in mind Bookworm?”

“I thought I could introduce you to my other hobby Casanova.”

He gasped dramatically. “You mean to tell me you like things other than books?”

“Yes.” I laughed. “What do you say?”

“I’m in. When and where?”

“The park by the docks? Say, one o’clock?”

“Sure thing.”

“Wear something comfortable.”

“Okay. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye baby.”

My parents were in the office working. It was ten am on a Saturday. But it was getting close to exam time for my mom, so she was busy. Tax season was ending, so dad was busy. I opened my bedroom door and called into the house. “I’m going out later. I don’t know how long I’ll be out.”

“Okay honey. Have fun.”

“That’s nice.” I sighed and closed my door. After a quick shower I got dressed. I knew I would probably be moving around a lot today, so I picked a pair of leggings and a loose black t-shirt from American Eagle. I really should go get one of these in every colour. They’re the best shirts. I threw a random cardigan on my bed. It was later joined by my wallet and camera.

Sitting down to do my hair and makeup, I decided to just do a quick French braid. It kept the hair out of my face. I contemplated my makeup for a while. I still had plenty of time to spare. Pressing play on my Spotify and it picked up on a random Beartooth song. Artist Radios are always interesting. I hummed and tapped along with the music while I dug through my vanity. I didn’t have an excessive amount of makeup. Maybe I had a little too much lipstick, but it’s my favourite type of makeup. I kept everything but my lipstick fairly light and neutral. My skin was actually nice today so I could just use concealer and set it. With the rest of my makeup done, I dug through my slightly embarrassing amount of lipstick. “I’m feeling bold today. Red?” I asked myself in the mirror. “Red.” I nodded. I was ready to go now. I chucked the tube of lipstick in my wallet.

It was close to lunch so I texted Monty. Did you want me to make a couple of sandwiches or something?

Sure. I went downstairs and dug through the cheese drawer.

I have turkey, ham, and some other white meat. Possibly chicken?

Ham is okay.

Cheddar okay?

Yup. I made our sandwiches. I knew how he liked his sandwiches now. Placing them in the fridge, I ran upstairs for my camera, camera bag, and now my purse. Our lunch was set on top of my wallet. I threw an ice pack in to keep everything cold and food safe. A couple of snacks joined in before I grabbed my keys.

“I’m leaving now. I’ll see you later.” I called.

“Okay.” My parents called together.

At the park, I met Monty over by a tree. He was wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt. No flannel. That took me by surprise. He looked damn good though. I stopped on the way over for a couple of coffees from Starbucks. “Hey Casanova.”

“Hey Bookworm.”

“Lunch now or later?”

“Now is good. I could eat.” I rolled my eyes. “What?”

“You’re always hungry.”

“I’m a growing boy.” He defended.

“If you grow anymore, you’ll give Dempsey a run for his money.”

“Never know. They say boys grow again around nineteen.”

“Oh god. I don’t know if I could handle you getting taller.” He laughed.

“Might have to. Never know.” I looked down to hide my blush. I didn’t read into what he said. He was right. You never knew where you could end up. We talked quietly while we ate. Monty regaled me with stories of the baseball game I “missed” yesterday.

“Sounds like a nail biter.” I smiled.

“You don’t like baseball, do you?”

“No.” I replied quickly.

“That mean you’ll never come to a game?”

“Quite possibly. I will go to as many football games as I can though.”

“Deal. Now. What did you want to show me?”

“This.” I said as a pulled my camera out of the bag.

“Oh?”

“Yes. I told you I like photography.”

“I remember. I’m just surprised it took you this long to show it to me.”

“Good things come to those who wait.”

“Okay. I won’t question you.”

“Don’t worry. I’m not Tyler. I keep my photography to when people know about it and can see it.”

“I kind of figured.” I spent some time showing him my camera. It was the first thing I had spent any big amount of money on. I got it a few years ago. I saved up birthday and Christmas money. I never really got an allowance so that’s what I had to work with. I looked out at the water and stood up. Holding my hand out to my boyfriend, I nodded in the direction of the dock.

“Come on.” Montgomery took my hand and we walked to the railing. I examined the water for a few moments quietly. Then I lifted my camera and started shooting. It was beautiful. “It’s nicer at sunset. But daytime shoots are so fun.” I could feel him watching me. A bird was flying close by, so I snapped a picture. “It’s beautiful.” I said softly.

“Very beautiful.”

We wandered around the park together for a few hours. Occasionally we would stop to sit and just people watch. During one of these stops I noticed Monty had turned to look out over the water. The way the light was hitting his face was perfect. I quickly snapped a photo. I wanted to preserve the peaceful look on his face forever. Lord knows the boy could use some peace. He turned to me when he heard the click of the camera. Luckily it didn’t ruin the shot. He was smiling. I couldn’t help myself. I took a quick scan of the area and kissed him. When we pulled away, he quickly wiped the lipstick off. I laughed and dug around in my purse for a makeup wipe. “Here. Use this.”

“Thanks.” I touched up my lipstick. While I was doing that, he took my camera from my lap and snapped a photo of his own. “I’m not very good at this, so don’t be shocked if it comes out crappy.”

“I’m sure it’s great. Here, let me see.” He handed it back. I scrolled to the photo. It was really nice. “This is great Monty.” He nodded but didn’t say anything. Instead, he threw his arm over my shoulder and pulled me in close to him. I rested my head on his shoulder. Turning the camera around, I snapped a picture of the two of us. It wasn’t exactly a candid, but it was as close as you could get with a selfie. We called it a night around six o’clock. He had to get home for dinner. I had some homework to do. I also wanted to get our photos transferred as soon as possible.

I walked into the house smiling to myself. Today had been a really great day. I felt good. “What the hell is all over your face?” My dad asked. Not a hello. No other acknowledgement.

“What do you mean?” I reached up to touch my face. Is there something on my face?

“You really caked it on today, didn’t you?” Oh. My makeup. I’d forgotten that he didn’t see me before I left.

“I put on a little makeup. I’m trying to use up a red lipstick.” I shrugged. The small feeling had begun to grow again.

“It makes you look like a prostitute.” Wow. That escalated quickly. My good mood vanished. I set my face. I wouldn’t let him see that he had hurt me.

“Thanks Dad. That was my goal today actually.”

“Don’t take that kind of tone with me, young lady.”

“Okay, whatever. Where’s Mum?”

“At the grocery store.”

“Okay. I’ll be upstairs.”

“Take off the paint while you’re up there.” He called after me.

When I reached my room, I closed the door and slid down it. Not wanting him to know I was crying I went to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. I curled up on my bed and sobbed into the towel. I didn’t care that there would be makeup stains on it. My phone buzzed on the floor. Sitting up, I stood to grab it. It was Monty. I want to see those photos baby.

Okay. I’ll send them over when I’m done.

Looking forward to it.

Yeah.

If I forgot to say, you looked pretty today.

Thanks. I wasn’t sure I believed him after what my dad said.

Any other mystery hobbies you want to show me?

Don’t think so.

Not even the art of knitting?

Maybe.

You okay Addy?

Yeah. Just tired.

Okay. I’ll talk to you later then.

Sure. I didn’t answer his next text. It was too much effort to do it now. I just wanted to lay in bed and be sad.

[emptyyourself-startover]

Thurs, Sept 17 - Fri, Sept 18

I don’t even know anymore. I’m just so tired. Yesterday it was just B and I at work, and it was kind of crazy busy, but the day flew by so that was fine. I spent too much on groceries, then I was cranky making dinner because it was late, and I was tired. I made jerk tofu and grilled veggies over the fire, and some brown rice. I did not exercise in the morning, again. My Pela phone cases came in, and I really like them. BF and I watched some ridiculous documentary about cats on the internet, and both fell asleep on the couch. I don’t entirely remember what I ate but I’ll try: B: coffee with cashew milk and maple. Sandwich on multigrain with lettuce, tomato, red onion, spicy mustard and veggie bologna. A banana. S: Veggies and hummus. Blueberry tea, peach tea. L: Chili with a slice of bread, vegan sour cream and vegan cheddar shreds. S: Rye crackers with hummus (holy fuck they are messy) S: a few slices of Yves veggie “turkey” cause I was starving after groceries. Apple tea. D: brown rice, fire-grilled veggies (oil-free) and jerk tofu. Today work has been generally hell. It sucks to hate my job so much. I hope things change SOON. Several times per day, I just want to walk out. Fucking pandemic has ruined so many things for me. Anyway, I’m going to see if Oliver’s has pumpkin spice lattes after work because #treatyourself. This is day 6 in a row of not drinking. It has felt good, and hasn’t been too difficult. I’m tempted today though, because it’s Friday. I always unwind with a drink on Fridays. Tonight I plan to clean out my Jeep and hopefully have a little time to game. Nintendo just re-released 3 Mario games that I love and haven’t played in awhile, so I’m really excited about that. It depends when BF gets home. I’m probably making pad thai tonight. It’s honestly hard for me to get motivated about cooking if I’m not drinking while I cook. I hope that changes. Cooking is one of my favourite things. Everything just seems dull and boring lately. We’re supposed to go to D’s tomorrow for a fire and I’ll probably have a few drinks then. I’m okay with once a week for now. We will see if that changes. I’m not exactly looking forward to tomorrow night, but also, D and R are pretty much our only friends we actually hang out with, and we’re otherwise anti-social. It’s just hard being around the smoke and excessive booze and awkwardness because of him being my ex and all that shit. Plus it’s going to be freezing. Anyway, food today: B: coffee with cashew milk and maple. leftovers from last night (jerk tofu, grilled veg and brown rice) L: Chili with vegan cheddar shreds, 1/2 a whole wheat pita S: mango, concord grapes and raspberries. Probably a soy latte and pad thai later. Maybe a banana.

I just want to experience joy again.

[carmenlire]

Satiable

Trigger Warning for disordered eating.

read on ao3

He doesn’t notice at first.

He doesn’t notice that he’s subsisting on coffee, that he can’t quite remember the last time he had a real meal. He’s just not hungry and he can’t figure out why his headaches have come back.

When he was a teenager, Alec suffered from terrible, pain in the ass headaches that made him want to collapse into bed where he could cry until he finally fell asleep and get some relief from the pain. It’s a dull ache in the back of his head, a sharp pain in his temples.

It’s been awhile since they’ve been this bad, though Alec doesn’t notice that their intensity-- and frequency-- has been ratcheting up. All he knows is that by mid afternoon he can hardly focus. He takes a deep breath and as his lungs expand, he feels a quiet easing of the bands that seem to tighten around his chest a little more with each day that passes. It’s a temporary relief from slogging through paperwork and approving expense reports but it keeps him from screaming.

Sighing heavily in the quiet of his office, Alec tosses his pen onto the blotter and brings a hand up until he can press fingers into his temples hard enough so that the blunt pain can drown out his headache for a brief, blissful moment.

Glancing at the clock, Alec sees that it’s almost six. Shadowhunters should be coming down to ops soon for their assignments and Alec’s glad that he gave Jace that responsibility a couple of months ago. He doesn’t know if he could leave the sanctity of his office right now and go into the control center where everyone would be talking, eager and ready to head off on patrol as their runes kicked in for the night.

The very thought of the controlled chaos makes his head pound a little more viciously.

Shaking his head a little, Alec works another hour or so until he deems the day done. He still has a thousand things that will be waiting for his attention in the morning-- and he knows a thousand more will drop in his lap overnight, no doubt-- but he’s done all he can for today.

Standing, Alec feels himself sway a little in his spot. Blinking, he frowns and reaches for the mostly empty mug of coffee that’s never far from his elbow. He takes a last swig and while it’s gone cold and more than a little gross, his shoulders lose some of their tension.

Reaching behind him, Alec shrugs into his coat and pockets his phone and stele. He’s out the door a minute later and manages to avoid everyone on his way out. Fall is sneakily fading into winter and Alec huddles a little tighter into his coat.

Magnus is out of town for a few days, tending to a werewolf pack illness in Dubai, so it’s just him as he swings the door open to their loft.

Alec briefly debates making dinner-- maybe heating a can of soup up or scrounging for some cheese and crackers-- but just the thought is exhausting. As he goes to walk past the kitchen, however, he abruptly stops as he realizes that the only thing he’s had today is six cups of coffee.

Suddenly, he’s starving and with a sigh, he enters the kitchen and heads straight to the fridge. Opening it, his head throbs as the fluorescent light pierces into his skull.

He’s not seeing a lot of options. He’s definitely not in the mood to cook and Alec briefly wishes that he’d had this realization just ten minutes before. He could’ve stopped by the pizza joint down the block or ordered takeout from the Thai place halfway between here and the Institute. Undoubtedly unhealthy but he needs calories and he's too tired to worry about their quality. He figures something is better than nothing.

Now, if he could just find something that wasn't too damned exhausting to prepare, something he wouldn't need to wait an hour for. He wants his bed so fucking bad he feels his eyes burning.

He’s just about to give up altogether when a deep blue Tupperware container catches his eye on the bottom shelf. Leaning down-- and that feels like so much goddamn effort-- just a little, he slides the box out enough to see a bright pink post-it on top.

This is for you, darling. I shudder to think what’s passed for a meal since I left you a few days ago. Before you collapse into bed, I want you to eat this entire bowl.

Love, Mr. Lightwood-Bane

Huffing out a laugh, Alec wonders idly that Magnus knows him too well. He hadn’t looked in the fridge in a few days but he’s filled with a quiet wave of warmth at Magnus taking the time to prepare-- or summon, for Alec’s not quite romantic enough to think that Magnus toiled away over this pasta when he wasn’t looking-- dinner while he was away. It's well known that Alec gets tunnel vision when he's at work. Magnus is used to Alec coming home and devouring the whole fucking kitchen once he's out of the Institute and breathign fresh air.

Alec tries to tamp down on the guilt that Magnus doesn't know that that's not what this is lately. It's not enough to be cause for concern, he tells himself and ignores it when the thought strikes hollow.

The pasta-- chicken fettuccine, his favorite-- warms up perfectly in the microwave. It’s delicious, even if Alec barely manages to eat half of the container before he’s too full to continue.

Figuring he’ll have leftovers tomorrow, he pours a glass of tap water and downs it while standing in front of the sink. Placing the empty glass next to the fork he’d used, Alec runs a hand through his hair before giving the room a once over and stepping out to the hallway, turning the lights off as he goes.

Pulling his shirt over his head and pushing his pants down until they pool on the floor next to his side of the bed, Alec slides between cool sheets and sighs into his pillow.

The weight of the day sloughs off him and he closes his burning eyes, finding almost immediate relief from the headache that’s held him in a vise grip for most of the day.

Sinking into the sheets, he falls asleep quick, pulling Magnus’s pillow to his chest and breathing in the scent of his husband’s shampoo.

--

The weeks blend together and Alec feels like his whole goddamn life is a never ending dumpster fire.

Well, that’s not quite true but he’s overwhelmed and stressed to the max and if Jace asks for special permission for a dumbass mission one more time, Alec won’t be responsible for his reaction.

His vision blurs as he reads over a request from the Clave that’s as subtle as a fucking grenade asking for his expertise to calm rising downworld tensions in St. Petersburg. Their flattery falls flat and Alec’s well aware that he’ll be portaling his ass to Russia by week’s end to deal with shadowhunters who will need to be brought to heel quickly and with as little bloodshed as possible.

That’s a headache for future Alec, though, he thinks with a grimace.

Reaching for the last bite of his pain au chocolat that he’d picked up along with his quad latte this morning, Alec barely tastes the damned thing. He figures it’s more than enough to get him through a day that’s busting with meetings and reaches for his coffee to wash it down only to scowl when the to go cup is unforgivably light.

There’s not a drop left and Alec growls a little-- there’s no one around to hear his irritation, at least-- as he stands, rounding his desk to head to the canteen, hoping to hell that someone’s bought more hazelnut k-cups since they were out last week.

Thankfully, Izzy is the only one there when he arrives and she bites into her sandwich as he grunts at her, the bare minimum greeting she’ll take and the most he can summon the energy to give.

“Rough day,” she asks dryly, reaching onto her plate for a cheddar and sour cream chip.

“Everything’s a pain in my ass,” Alec replies roughly. “If I have to hear another recruit talk back I’m putting them on ichor duty for the rest of the goddamn decade.”

Rasing a brow, Isabelle doesn’t say anything. She just watches him as she makes her steady way through lunch.

Alec opens one of the cabinets and breathes a quiet yet fervent sigh of relief when he sees the red box, almost three quarters full of his favorite k-cups. Placing his mug under the drip, Alec fires the Keurig up and selects the biggest size, tapping the button for strong before hitting start.

Almost immediately, the fresh smell of brewing coffee hits the air and his shoulders relax. It’s like coming home. It’s a brief respite and Alec inhales the notes of hazelnut and beans and prays that his headache stays away until after he has a chance to peak into the new recruits' training.

He’s just reaching for the almond milk in the refrigerator when Izzy asks, “When’s the last time you ate?”

“I had a croissant this morning,” Alec says absently.

“And before that?”

Alec’s quiet for a moment as he tries to remember. There was that granola bar he’d forced down last night as he’d been reading over a treatise draft. Frowning a little, Alec can’t remember anything else that he’d eaten yesterday and shit if he can remember the day before that.

He’s too busy to eat, he thinks with a frown. He’s never hungry in the mornings and by the time he gets to the Institute, he’s too busy to take a break. Most nights, he’s so damned tired that he takes a few mechanic bites of food before going to bed, just to wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

His plate is full to bursting and eating is as low a priority as he can have right now. There’s a little voice, though, that tries to slither its way through his head.

It’s not that he likes not eating. It’s not that it makes him the tiniest bit happy when he’s realized that he’s managed to go sixteen-- or twenty four or thirty six-- hours without anything but coffee to serve as a meal.

It’s something he can control. He can ignore his hunger pains through sheer force of will, even if nausea sweeps through him occasionally and he has to close his eyes to regain his equilibrium.

It’s something that’s plagued him off and on since he was in the Academy. When Alec was stressed-- when he was tired and the only thing he felt he could control was his eating-- his appetite vanished. It’s nothing unusual and Alec knows that in a few days, a few weeks, he’ll feel better one morning. Waking up won’t be so exhausting and he’ll go over to the East Village and have the best bacon burger in the city with an extra large fry and Oreo milkshake. Everything will go back to how it’s supposed to be and Alec won’t have to wonder when his last meal was, won’t feel his sister’s piercing eyes over a bag of Ruffles potato chips.

He doesn’t answer her and Iz doesn’t push. He pours a healthy dollop of milk into his coffee and leaves, resigned to going back to his office and getting through the day’s work.

Distantly, he wonders if he’ll have time to sneak in a quick training session before he calls it a day. He feels light and there’s an energy that’s simmering low in his gut that he knows from past experience just needs an outlet. Blowing across his coffee, Alec takes a slow, deep sip and wonders if he could persuade Jace to a sparring match tonight.

--

The next morning, Alec wakes up to a long line of warmth along his back. Sinking into the sheets, his breath catches at the dull throbbing in his ankle. He’d used an iratze after sparring Jace last night and he’s pissed that his ankle still feels off. Deciding to deal with it later, Alec relaxes further against Magnus and his eyes fall shut as he feels his husband nose along his spine.

He lets himself be urged onto his back and stares up at a sleep-rumpled Magnus. It’s a vision that still makes his heart ache in the best damn way, no matter that they’ve been together for a few years now.

Magnus studies him in the low light and Alec closes his eyes again as Magnus leans forward and nibbles across his collarbone, along his deflect rune.

“What do you say to waffles this morning, Alexander?” Magnus’s voice is a low rasp and Alec smiles a little even if words get stuck in his throat.

As though he knows Alec’s thinking, Magnus raises his head and studies him carefully. The intensity in his unglamoured eyes is a little unnerving.

Running a thumb over a stubbled jaw, Magnus smiles. “What do you say? Surely the Institute can wait a couple of hours.”

While there’s a part of Alec that’s uneasy-- while Magnus could be coy when needed, with Alec his attempts at subterfuge had all the subtlety of a sledgehammer-- Alec knows that Magnus has realized that his appetite has been damn near nonexistent lately.

Resigned, Alec thinks that he wouldn’t be surprised if his husband knew about his over-training. Alec’s not dumb. He might be pissed off but his ankle is screaming and the only reason that ever happens after applying an iratze is because his energy stores are too low.

Things have finally come to a head and while he still feels like he’s in a fog most days, he knows that something had to give sooner or later.

“Sure,” he replies hoarsely. “Let’s have waffles for breakfast.”

Magnus’s gaze eases just a tad even as the gold warms. He leans down and kisses Alec.

“Right answer, darling.”

The two of them get ready slowly, showering together, lingering under the warm spray. Magnus catches Alec’s wince when he forgets not to put his full weight on his left foot and his eyes sharpen.

He doesn’t say anything though, merely lowering until he’s kneeling on the marble of their shower, reaching a hand out to wrap it around Alec’s ankle. Alec watches as azure flows into his skin and the relief is immediate.

Magnus kisses the delicate bone of his ankle before lowering his foot back to the ground and stands, pulling Alec closer with arms around his middle.

They stand there for long minutes and Alec feels warmth that’s been missing for longer than he wants to admit.

He’s finally hungry. Not starving, not ravenous. But he can admit that he’s craving food.

It’s the breaking of the dam. It’s a start.

Alec knows the next few hours won't be easy but Magnus hasn't stopped looking at him, warm and open, and suddenly he's tired of hiding from his husband.

It feels like the quietest of snicks as the puzzle pieces align. Maybe, he wonders, if he felt guilty about keeping something from his husband then it was time to come clean.

He breathes easier at just the idea.

[reluctantfae]

Tips For Surviving College

Things I learned in my first semester at university

-routine is your friend: make a weekly schedule and stick to it as best as you are able. Schedule in time to study, to sleep, to hang out with friends, and to relax by yourself. Otherwise things will fall apart faster than you can keep up

-sleep: keep as regularly as you are able. Try to stick to similar bedtimes and getting up times. keep your circadian rhythm in order. Get full REM cycles. Otherwise you will run yourself into the ground.

-give yourself time in the mornings: yes, technically it is possible to roll out of bed ten minutes before your first class but trust me, it sucks. Get up with plenty of time to get dressed and eat breakfast. Give yourself a few minutes to double check and make sure that you have everything you need for the day

-always get dressed for class: there’s no rule against wearing your pajamas to class/around campus, but getting dressed will help you feel more focused and present. They don’t have to be nice clothes, they can be super comfy, but make sure they aren’t the clothes you slept in - staying in your sleep clothes for days on end is the mobile equivalent of staying in bed for days on end: it makes you feel crappy (plus its kinda disrespectful to your professors and classmates)

-eat regularly and healthily: dining halls suck. The easiest kind of food to prepare and store for vast quantities of people is carb heavy. Not only does this get repetitive very quickly, but it can also make you feel very lethargic. Aim for three meals a day (or, if you’re like me and never feel hungry in the mornings, two meals and a protienfull snack). Try to make sure that you hit a bunch of important nutrition groups throughout the day

EX using what I ate yesterday: Breakfast: fruit smoothie (from the campus coffee shop)

                                                 Lunch: grilled chicken wrap, sweet tea

                                                 Dinner: crackers, salami,an apple, and cheese w/ milk and peanut m&ms

-find your study spot: Don’t study in your dorm room. Try to leave your bed for only sleeping, don’t confuse your mind about what that space is for. Take you time to decide what environment works best for you to study in. Try the student center, the library, empty classrooms, or common areas. You’ll know it when you find it. Mine is a carrel in the third floor of the library

-try to stay out of your dorm during the day: If you’re running back to hang out in your dorm every time you get a break you are effectively isolating yourself. If you want to be alone, find a quiet spot in the library or an academic building. But even if you just want to go mess around on your computer or read a book, do it somewhere outside of the dorm. Spending too much time in your dorm can make you feel lonely and lethargic. Even if you don’t want to socialize, being in a place where other people are will make you feel more a part of things.

-be nice to the cleaning and dining hall staff: don’t be a dick

-make use of your opportunities: there is going to be so much cool, free stuff happening on campus. go to it. Two nights ago my school did a screening of Ocean’s 8. Last semester I want to a talk by an Arthurian historian. I got to go trampolining, to a pool party, and tonight there’s a poetry slam/resume workshop (???). Go to these things. Take advantage of them while you can. it’s also a great way to meet new people.

-go to class: it’s really easy to not go to class in college. You have to go. Unless you are sick or really have a legitimate excuse, go to class.

-you may not be happy right away: whenever anything bad happens in high school, everyone tells you how much better things will be in college. What they don’t tell you is that it’ll take some time. You may feel homesick, lonely, out of placed, anxious, or depressed. Reach out to other people, because I promise you that they feel this way too. I’m still not entirely happy here. My sister said that she didn’t feel happy on campus until halfway through her sophomore year and even considered dropping out. Make the choice that’s right for you. If you think that the reason you aren’t happy is to do with the institution, you can transfer out. If you think your unhappiness is to do with something else, try do address it. Don’t just wallow in it.

DISCLAIMER: these tips are just based off of my experiences. They’ve been really helpful to me thus far but may not be helpful to you. I am not depressed or anxiety prone, but I am susceptible to depressive periods. These tips help me to avoid these periods, but again, this is only in my experience.

[j-j-ehlby-writes]

Meet Me at the Chalet || day four.

Eventual pairing: Tom Hiddleston x OFC (Jenessee Borosi)

Word count: ~2.2k

Summary (I suck at these): Jenessee goes on a solo vacation after the release of her first novel. She got a little more than she bargained for when she gets snowed in with her biggest celebrity crush.

Warnings: So much freaking fluff, swearing but blink and you’ll miss it, depressing thoughts (THIS chapter), Tom being Tom

night one. || day one. || day two. || day three. || day four. || day five. ||

When I wake up a couple hours later, I expect to be alone. I thought Tom would have stayed until I fell asleep only to sneak out when he knew I wouldn’t wake up. But that was not the case. He was still in the exact same spot as when I fell asleep: leaned up against the headboard like he had been there all night. His eyes were closed but I could just faintly see dark circles underneath that were not there yesterday. Did he stay up all night? 

I notice that he also had his hand intertwined with mine, resting on his stomach. I can’t imagine I’ve been in the position I’m in for long thanks to me tossing and turning in my sleep so he must have just passed out. 

My heart swelled at the thought of him staying awake for hours, making sure I was okay, but it also hurt knowing he lost sleep because of me. That was the last thing I wanted for him. But then again, he didn’t have to stay awake. He didn’t have to stay in here, period. And he did, because he’s Tom and he’s an extraordinary person.

I sunk back against my pillow gazing up at the perfect human specimen that’s snoozing right next to me. How does one deserve someone as wonderful as him in one’s life if you’ve done nothing to warrant it? Because in my eyes, I have done nothing in my life to be worthy of him and his company. It was simply a happy accident that I wound up here on the day I did and then him getting snowed in here, forcing him to stay longer. Mother Nature threw a wrench in my plans of solitude and I can’t even be mad.

After ogling for longer than I should have, I eased my hand out of his and left the comfort of my bed. I stepped in the bathroom, flinching at the light as soon as I turned it on. I quickly remember that my eyes are usually sensitive to light after tear fests. I stared at my reflection. My eyes were still a tad puffy but no longer bloodshot. My face had also lost the puffiness from last night. My hair was a mess but that’s to be expected. I threw it back in a braid once I brushed it out of one. After brushing my teeth, I finally felt like a normal human being again. All thoughts of last night erased from memory. Another day to keep my feelings in only for it to build and build, creating so much tension that another breakdown is inevitable…

When I emerged from the bathroom, from this new angle, I realized just how incredibly uncomfortable he looks. His back and neck were lying in horrible angles, he’s bound to be sore if he sleeps like that for any longer. There’s no way I can just leave him like this. I tiptoed up to him and placed a soft kiss on his forehead scar. He softly jolted awake, taking in a huge deep breath. “Hey.” I whispered.

He looked at me through fuzzy eyes. “Are you alright?” He asked slightly panicking, sleep still heavy in his voice. I protested his move to get up.

“I’m okay. I just want you to get comfortable under the covers and go back to sleep. I’ll come to get you in a few hours.” I yanked the comforter from under him to get him to move. He obliged, lazily moving so I could pull the sheets over his lean body. He settled against the pillow, closing his eyes once again. Almost instantly, his breathing evened out again signaling he slipped into unconsciousness again. 

Taking my place on the couch in the living room, I stare out the floor to vaulted ceiling windows as the snow dust continues to fall as I absentmindedly eating my waffles I took out of the toaster. The sun illuminates the snow on the ground and makes the dust in the air sparkle.

After a few hours, I wrapped myself in one of the many blankets provided and returned to the kitchen. I started the coffee machine for Tom and filled it with water. I popped in a few slices of bread in the toaster after it finished more waffles and heat up the syrup he’ll more than likely want with the waffles. I take the butter out and any other condiment he might want with his breakfast. I pour a glass of orange juice as well and milk so he has a variety. I cut some fruit and fill a small bowl. All it would need is a single flower in a vase in the middle of the table and we’d be set. I had to improvise though, just using one of their centerpieces instead. As soon as I could smell the coffee brewing, I knew he would be down soon. So I took that as my cue to take out some bacon to fry to really give this breakfast the extra “oomph.”

As I tended to it, I heard soft footsteps walk into the kitchen and then felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around my waist and a kiss be placed on the back of my head. “Love, you didn’t have to make breakfast.” He murmured in my ear, sleep still evident in his voice.

I smile at how cute he is. “How else am I going to thank you for last night?”

“Darling, you don’t have to thank me for that.” He tightened his grip, pulling me even closer.

“But I do,” I countered. “You didn’t have to comfort me, let alone stay all night. I’m a stranger with deeply embedded issues that you definitely don’t have to deal with. I’ve suffered alone my whole life, what’s one more night?” I turn off the stove and bring the bacon to the table. “Sit.” I command, not wanting to talk about it anymore. “I’m sorry it’s not a gourmet breakfast. I am definitely not a chef so this is as good as it’s going to get.” He giggled as he took his seat. I poured his black coffee to finish everything off.

“This looks delightful, darling. Thank you very much.” He eyed me just standing here. “Care to join me?” He took my hand, pulling me to literally stand against him, keeping his arm around my waist as he ate with one hand.

Last night seems to have broken a barrier between us. He has been very touchy this morning, always having to touch me in some way. Yesterday, it was significantly less with only a small gesture here and there, but no more. From waking up with him holding my hand to this, this has been more than either of us has dared to try. It feels oddly natural like we’ve been doing this for years. He makes me feel like I can be myself without the fear of being judged, especially now that he’s seen me at my literal lowest.

For the rest of the day we were hardly ever more than five feet away from the other. We spent the day like we did our first: reading and writing on the couch. The only difference this time is he was right next to me. He even laid his head on my lap at one point. We didn’t talk much. Only asking when the other was hungry for lunch and dinner. It was a soothing day after a tumultuous night before.

What made it even better though? S’mores and hot chocolate.

Tom had the brilliant idea after we had dinner. He remembered there being an outdoor bonfire pit before all of the snow fell. He also spied some wood behind the welcome desk. I happily watched from inside as he set it up. Soon enough we had a fire. We toasted as many marshmallows as we could, pre-making the treats before heading back inside to dive in. We took a seat in front of the fireplace to warm back up with our large mugs of chocolate and marshmallow goodness.

“You’re pretty adept at fire-making.” I voice as I take a bite of my first s’more. The gooey marshmallow mixed with the now melting chocolate and the crumbly graham cracker perfectly creating a pleasant moan coming from my mouth, unable to stop myself.

“I’m a jack of all trades, really. I can learn to do anything. Just like I can pretty much do an impression of anybody with any accent. I always say I’m like a parrot.” He showed me a few of his really good ones, causing me to roll on the floor with laughter at just how good he is at them. “Ah, there it is.” He pointed after my laughing fit.

“There what is?” I asked wiping the tears from my eyes.

“Your smile. I’ve been missing it all day.” He scooted next to me, wrapping us both in a blanket by wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I leaned my head on his shoulder, watching the fire. The warmth washed over us as we sat there.

“You just bring it out of me, I guess.”

“Do you want to talk about last night?” He asked after we sat in silence. I knew this question would be coming eventually. He would respect me if I didn’t want to talk about it but was curious to know if I would open up to him.

I released a big sigh, “Not really.”

“Because I’ve been told that I am an excellent listener and an even better secret keeper.” He boasted. I chuckled at his modesty.

I sat up straight, keeping my gaze on the fire. I could feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of my face worse than the fire. “I appreciate the concern but I’m more of a suffer in silence type and then bury my feelings until the next time. No need for discussion.” I stood up looking for any excuse to walk away from this conversation.

“Why didn’t he try more?” I halted in my tracks. “Why didn’t he want to spend time with me?” My chest tightened at the repeat of the answerless questions I had asked hours ago. “If he didn’t want kids, why did he?”

“You were listening?” I asked in disbelief. Horror spread throughout my body at that thought. He heard my wails of insecurity as well as endured my tears. Somehow that makes it all worse. I turned back to see he had stood as well.

“I caught a few things when I was on my way to your room.” He quickly explained, putting some of my nerves at ease, but continued, “but there’s nothing to be ashamed of, love. Everyone has, for lack of a better term, ‘daddy issues.’ I know I do.”

This surprises me. Not much is known about his relationship with his dad. All we do know is they haven’t been close since his parents’ divorce. He’s never outwardly spoken about it before now. “You do?”

“Growing up I only ever lived with my mother and my two sisters. My father and I have never been close. I barely saw him after the divorce and even when I did, it was only briefly. As a child, I tried not to take it personally, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve only realized that it wasn’t me at all. It was him.”

“I know it’s not my fault for why my dad is the way he is, but you’d think that having a child would change your perspective. You’d want to be the best parent you can be for your child. You’d want to be there for every scraped knee to every broken heart, for every sports game or music program- and not just because your child wants you there, but because you truly want to support whatever your child wants to do… It shouldn’t matter where the event takes place, the weather, or how traffic is as so many of his excuses were to not attend some of my important events.” He missed every parent-teacher conference after elementary school, didn’t come to numerous choir concerts throughout high school… all because the weather was predicted to be bad, or the traffic to get down to my school was too thick… “And he always made it feel like an inconvenience for him… Your child shouldn’t be an inconvenience. To him, I was.” I could feel the tears threatening to make their appearance again. I blinked them away, taking some deep breaths. “That’s all I have to say on the matter.”

Tom appeared in front of me, cradling my face in his hands. The sadness and hurt in his eyes was heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. “My darling, you are not an inconvenience. You deserve to always be treated as a top priority, no matter what.” He kissed my forehead. “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you by asking.”

I scoffed. “Don’t be sorry. You were bound to be curious about it. I’m sorry for being so emotional and complicated. I’m not usually.”

“You never have to apologize for how you feel, especially with me. Alright?”

I nodded reluctantly. If I were to have him in my life, there would be nothing to be upset about. That I know for sure. And even if these feelings did pop up again, I know he would be right there to comfort me, exactly like he was last night.

day five...

Permanent taglist: @elusive-beauty @drakesfiance @im-a-slut-for-an-accent @fantasy-is-my-reality @hiddlephile @naniky

[srirachatim-blog]

Zero Calorie 5 Day Water Fasting 13 Apr 19 - 18 Apr 10

Day 1

11:00 am – Weight 98.2 kg – 216.7 lb. (+/- 0.0 kg (+/- 0 lbs.))

I slept in until like 9:00 am. I don’t know how people do it. I had to force myself to sleep that late.

Anyhow, I got up an had some water like normal. Not feeling hungry right now, but I did eat a lot yesterday.

6:30 pm

Everything is going fine. I haven’t been hungry; the only thing is this damn headache. Either from no coffee or no sugar, it will go away.

Been taking naps most of the day and watching movies. Drinking water throughout the day.

Day 2

8:30 am – Weight 96.0 kg – 211.10 lb. (-2.2 kg (-4.13 lbs.))

Well, the headache is gone. I figured it would be. I drank somewhere around 3.5 Liters of water yesterday. I’m not real hungry, a little bit, but nothing major.

We’ll see how the rest of the day goes. I do get those urges at time to just eat. I think that’s mostly out of habit, “Oh, it’s time to eat”. I recognize them and it just passes. I drink hot water when I feel hungry and then it goes away. It’s not really sharp hunger pains just annoying.

2:30 pm

A lot of videos I watched talked about your smell, your personal body smell. I couldn’t smell it before, but yeah, I can now. It’s kind of like a medicinal hospital smell after you’ve removed a bandage. It’s not that strong, but I can smell it.

 Day 3

8:30 am – Weight 94.7 kg – 208.12 lb. (-3.5 kg (-7.11 lbs.))

Yesterday was kind of tough. I was feeling hungry most of the time in the afternoon. I had a little trouble going to sleep, but once I did I was out.

I feel hungry, but not hungry. I can feel my stomach twang a little, but I don’t really want to eat. I’m just thirsty.

I have a lot of energy this morning, I think I’m going to get my ass out of the house today and go do some shopping or something, just to get out.

11:00 am

Got home. Damn! My room smells like death. I didn’t notice how bad it was until I left and came back. I’m going to have to really spray it good when this is over.

I was contemplating doing 10 or even 15 days, but I would have to go back to work on day 8. I don’t want to be smelly at school, or at least smellier than I already am.

 Day 4

7:30 am – Weight 93.9 – 207.0 lb. (-4.3 kg (-9.7 lbs.))

The weight is slowly coming off now. We’ll just have to see what happens every day. Hell, I’ll take a kilo every day.

11:30 am

Just went to the hardware store, came back home and I am beat. I replaced a hose clamp and watered the tree. I need a nap. One thing I realized today; I haven’t had to blow my nose in the morning. Usually I am blowing my nose for the first 2 hours I wake up.

4:30 pm

I finally got some energy back. I’ve been beat to hell from that little trip to the store. I wonder what Wednesday will be like when I go shopping for my “after fasting” food.

The smell is gone. Must have been all that detox.

Day 5

7:00 am – Weight 93.9 – 207.0 lb. (-4.3 kg (-9.7 lbs.))

No weight changes today. I am surprised a little. Nothing really new going on. Still feeling drained when I do anything. It’s almost over, we’ll see what happens in the end.

2:00 pm

I went to the store to buy all of the food I will need to break my fast. I am going to break it in a few minutes. I am tired, the mall was busy and it’s a little bit of a drive.

2:30 pm – Breaking the Fast

I had some mango juice 50/50 with water. I feel so much better now. I have a shot of energy and can hear my stomach working again and rumbling. I will eat more later.

Day 6

8:30 am – Weight 93.4 – 205.14 lb. (-5.2 kg (-11.7 lbs.))

I’m kind of surprised that I lost more weight even after eating yesterday. Here’s what I ate:

Mango Juice, Pineapple Juice, Orange Juice all 50/50 water

Chicken broth and 2 pieces of whole wheat bread

Chicken Noodle soup with about 8 table water crackers

4 big pieces of watermelon and some mixed nuts

Today I will eat some more chicken soup and some vegetables and more fruit, tonight maybe add some milk. I feel great and refreshed.

[declanfs]

8/3/2022

Duuuuude. You’re going to be 15 months in like a week and you’re definitely keeping us busy and on our toes. This is by far the funnest stage yet, but of course comes with new challenges. And some old challenges (Sleep 👎🏼 👎🏼).

We are still getting many daytime and night time snuggles, this is how you like to sleep:

When you wake up in the night, you either want a bottle or just to be hugged really tight and you fall back asleep almost instantly. There are other times you don’t, but I do believe that this level of comfort over night is good for your nervous system. To feel this secure and safe.

Other fun updates, you’re basically RUNNING! not super athletically yet, but practice makes progress. You love to explore the back yard and like to carry something, usually a shovel, while you do it. Yesterday you kept walking off with my broom when I was trying to sweep the patio off.

You are a little monkey see monkey do lately, so you try to sweep, mop, brush your teeth (you’ll only do it when watching me and throw an absolute fit and have to be restrained if I try to do it for you, use the foam roller, stir things cooking on the stove, put things in the washer.. you get the idea.

You also love to climb on the things. Two days ago you climbed on to the chair by the island, but you can also climb on to the couch and the armchair by the window in the living room. Here I was cleaning off the couch cushions and you were climbing and burrowing into pillow mountain. You climbed and fell off of a bench in the gym, but usually you’re pretty good about getting down intentionally.

You’re finally eating more solid food, but still not as much as I’d expect for a baby of your size and activity levels. This morning you tried some bell pepper and actually ate it, normally you spit it back out. You’ll try pretty much anything for one bite, which is amazing and we celebrate, because hopefully eventually that will translate to new foods you like and a more diverse intake of food. The only way you’ll really eat during breakfast or lunchtime is if I sit you on the counter while I eat, put a plate on the coffee table on the sunporch so you’ll graze, or if I follow you around and offer / shove bites of food in your mouth as you play and explore. Today you almost fell off the counter when you lunged for my plate. I caught you, but not until you knocked my eggs and half of my veggies on to the floor and chair. I mopped yesterday so I still ate them.

Current foods you’ll actually eat:

Avocado, eggs, broccoli, rice, noodles, pb crackers, bell pepper, zucchini, mushrooms, toast, tempeh, tofu, chickpeas, farro, yogurt, dada’s smoothie, orange juice in sips from my cup, sooooo much ripple milk, banana, watermelon, plum, apple, peaches, protein shake, cauliflower, buffalo cauliflower that I try to clear the breading off but can’t always get all of it, chocolate, ice cream, freezer pops, pancakes, muffins… but only like 1-5 bites of each depending on the food. So again, work in progress.

This was last night when I came up to go to sleep. You’re so little, but you sure take up a lot of space.

This was at Kate’s cookout this past weekend ❤️

[anababy17]

Yesterdays food log

Breakfast: 117 calories 

Milk (for coffee) 33 grams = 16 calories 

Sugar (for coffee) 11 grams = 41 calories 

Crackers = 60 calories for 4 

Lunch: 9 calories 

cucumber (55 grams) = 9 calories 

dinner: 107 calories 

Milk (35 grams) = 17 calories 

Sugar (8 grams) 30 calories 

Crackers= 60 calories 

Snacks: 348 calories 

Hershey kisses (3) = 67 calories 

Cucumber (48 grams) = 7 calories 

Doritos (28 grams) = 140 calories 

Banana (153 grams) = 134 calories 

My biggest failure for yesterday is i had more snacks than food combined and i ate unhealthy snacks, i did it so i wouldnt binge on it but still not a viable excuse 

My biggest Victory is i only consumed 581 calories today which is under 600 and thats my goal, to stay under 600 calories. 

[12345imconsuming]

Day 1

1/23/20

This morning I woke up at 7:15 and was in a bad mood- not a surprise considering I wouldn’t be home until 10:30pm. I washed my face with my CeraVe brand face wash and used organic roseship seed oil from Whole Foods on my face after. I used the Transit app to find out when the 3 bus was coming while I ate Kashi berry crisp cereal with almond milk. This is my new favorite cereal, because it has dried berries and tasty granola. As I left the house, I started listening to a random one of my Spotify playlists. 

When I got to the St Paul campus, I bought coffee from the gopher spot- I thought, may as well treat myself to a beverage, with some cream and vanilla  - Also I was tired (obvious).  I went to my 4 back to back classes of the day: illustration, identity and symbols, packaging, and design and discontents. In class I had two cheese sticks, crackers, spiced mixed nuts, and a pb&j sandwich, all that I brought from home. I also took a Tylenol extra strength. Headache nation... Throughout my day, I used my phone to answer texts from my friends and my mom, as well as check my email. I am taking a break from social media so am not really using any other apps. After my last class was over (finally), I took the campus connector to West Bank and got two curry beef buns from Keefer Court Bakery- they are really incredible and only 2 dollars each. Then I went to my job which is at the regis photo crib- Time to work until 10pm! *Insert crying emoji* Within minutes, I devoured both of the curry beef buns.

My bad/irritable mood is very justifiable considering that every Tuesday and Thursday i have to spend 8am to 10pm having constant classes and work and zero free time- it truly feels like torture to me. I really value having free time! Maybe I’m being dramatic, but it just makes my brain and body soooo exhausted - really frustrating. But, I need the money, since I completely support myself and pay for all my school and rent and everything else. So I appreciate that I have a job and will be able to not stress over money this semester. I honestly don’t really know what else to say because my brain is so exhausted. But I’m at work now, and when I finally go home I am probably going to drink some grape cranberry juice mixed with sparkling water and take my advanced strength probiotic pill and go to bed. Oh wait - Its my day to do all the dishes so I have to do that too. Its ok... My roommate Miranda bought me a new toothbrush today because she accidentally dropped my old one in the toilet yesterday - So I guess it’ll be nice to have a new toothbrush at least. 

Toodles..

 -Fatimzahra 

[spoiled-batgirl]

Alice in Gunpowder part 3

Fandom: batman/DC, Red Hood and the outlaws Au: Alice in wonderland, dad!Jason Word count: 1420 Warnings: menstrual cycle, puberty, overprotective daddy Growing Pains   Alice started training at ten years old. By the time she started going on patrol a year later, Damian had left for the teen titans. She was twelve now, sitting at the table in their apartment, cleaning her two silver pistols. Jason had noticed a drop in her mood since Damian left. They'd become good friends since her tenth birthday, inseparable even. "Alice, are you okay?" He asked, sipping his cup of coffee as he watched his adopted daughter finish cleaning and start resembling her guns. She stopped with and laid them back down on the terry cloth she'd been polishing them on. "Yeah, what do you mean, dad?" She looked at him. He swore she was a tiny doll like child yesterday, now her baby fat was slimming and shaping up to be a young woman. Jason felt really fucking old. She looked at him with piercing blue-grey eyes with thick black lashes and he wanted to cry. She was growing up way too fast for his liking. "You've been down lately." He said. "Since the school year started.. since Damian left." She shrugged and sat cross legged in her chair, her doll like blonde curls touching her toned but slim legs. She wore fuzzy purple pjs with teddy bears on them and a lose grey sweatshirt. He wondered if she was idolizing Stephanie with her new liking of purple. "He's my best friend, course I miss him. School's pretty boring now." Alice said with a shrug. "Okay.. by the way, baby, Aunt Babs and grandpapa Al reminded me to speak to you about.. uh," Jason wished he'd just bought a book on it. Maybe he should've tried harder to date so she'd have a step mom for this stuff.. he cursed under his breath. "Oh." Alice said. "Ah, aunt Steph already told me.. cause I already started that.." Jason almost fell out of his chair. "What?! Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, sitting up. Alice shrugged. "It didn't seem like a big deal. I don't feel any pain and I've already seen a lot of blood before so," Alice shrugged. He felt his heart break a little. She was officially on the way to being a teenager someone kill him. Again. "Well, baby, please tell me if you feel any pain. You can get stomach cramps and head aches and other pains from your period. I hear chocolate and Advil help, just take it easy. You don't have to go on patrol if you don't want to." Jason said, smiling softly. Alice jumped to her feet and banged her hands on the table. "Careful!" He scolded. His coffee almost spilled but obviously he was more worried about the guns and his daughter's safety. "I won't stop going on patrol over this! I wanted to do this for so long!" She yelled, tears running down her cheeks. Jason stood and held her shoulders, bringing her into a hug, "hey, hey, shh," she hugged him and cried into his shirt which she still barely came to his chest. He stroked her hair and hushed her. He rubbed her back, "you're on it now, aren't you?" She nodded against his stomach. He laughed softly. "Okay, well you did patrol and stopped some baddies last night, you handled this on your own and been real good." He said sighing at the morning window. "You can skip school today, baby, but just this once." She grinned up at him and he laughed at her snot caked face. He got the tissues out of his jacket and wiped her face. He grabbed a blanket from the couch and wrapped her up like a burrito, picking her up as he went and got cookies and chocolate bars and some sodas from the kitchen. "You can't keep picking me up like this, daddy, I'm getting too big." Alice said as they walked to the kitchen. "If your daddy is Red Hood then he can keep carrying you until you have kids of your own!" He said, plopping her down on the couch and turning on Bambi. She loved this movie, which he thought was weird because it had a parent being shot and she lost hers. She says they didn't die by guns, and they don't kill animals so she didn't mind when he asked if she thought it reminded her of her troubled past. But like Bambi his dad saves him, like he saved her, she said. That made him seriously emotional the first time she told him. Alice was laughing and Jason sat down by her and she snuggled into his side. "I miss Damian," she whispered tears in her eyes. He rubbed her back. "I'm sure he misses you too, baby." Alice groaned and pressed closer to Jason. She hugged a pillow to her stomach and Jason put his arms around his daughter. She buried her face into his shoulder and cried a little. "Okay, I'm feeling that now, I think. My head really hurts.. and my stomach and weirdly my joints?" She said, confused. "Advil and chocolate should help, doll. Hold on, I'll go get some." He went to the kitchen and got the pain medication, a chocolate bar, and a glass of cold milk. He laid it out on the coffee table and Alice groaned softly as she took the medicine and ate her snack. Jason remembered when a snack for Alice meant animal crackers and a juice box, not something designed to help the two types of growing pains women endure. Gods, his daughter was becoming a woman. He slumped to the couch. "Daddy? What's wrong?" She said, looking at him with heart-melting concern. He caressed her cheek and smiled softly. "Nothing, Al. I'm just proud of you." He said. Tears brimmed her eyes and she hugged him tight. They settled into a cuddle on the couch, his daughter's petite frame enveloped in his like a nest. He stroked her blonde locks absentmindedly as they watched the animated movie. They had fallen asleep on the couch. Alice woke up to the sound of a window being opened upstairs, the one in the hallway if her ears were telling the truth. She shook her dad awake and gestured towards the stairs going upstairs. Alice got a baseball bat out from under the couch and her dad grabbed a gun from a drawer in the coffee table. They crouched behind the couch and waited for the intruder to emerge. Alice was surprised to see the faces of her best friends peer out from behind the wall that lead up the stair case. Alice dropped her bat and rushed over to hug Robin and Superboy. Her and Jon giggled. "Alice! You weren't responding and you were absent from school, I was worried you might've been captured." Damian growled from their group hug. Alice stepped back and placed her hands on her hips. She raised an eyebrow at him. "Okay, first of all I'm offended you think I wouldn't be able to take care of business if I was captured," she started. "Hold on, no, I'm hella offended any of you would think I'd let my daughter get captured. Second, she's absent because she doesn't feel well. She was resting, answering her phone is normal if she's sleeping, demon spawn." Her dad said, exasperated. She laughed a little only to feel a cramp in her stomach so hard like she was being kicked. She doubled over and breathed out, grabbing onto the wall. "Oh," Jon said, picking up Alice like she was noting but a rag doll and carrying her princess style to the couch. He laid her down and laid the blanket over her stomach. She smiled gratefully at super boy, embarrassment coloring her cheeks. Damian rushed over and kneeled by the couch, taking Alice's hand. "What's wrong? Are you ill? Did you get injured? You got shot in the stomach, didn't you--" Jason groaned over Damian's worried tangent. "She just started her menstrual cycle, genius." Damian blushed and Jon was eerily calm. Jason wondered how the fuck he ended up in this situation. "So, is one of your super powers you know when girls are on their period?" Alice teased Jon. "Kinda, it's difficult to explain." He rubbed his neck in an embarrassed gesture. Alice shrugged and settled into the couch, her dad leaving them to talk. The boys sat down with the blonde ranger and they began to talk about what they had missed while they were apart.

[suckitsurveys]

1. What’s the last thing you ate? Overnight oats with peanut butter and banana.

2. What’s your favourite cheese? Goat and cheddar.

3. What’s your favourite fish? Catfish, if crab doesn’t count as a fish.

4. What’s your favourite fruit? Pomegranates, watermelon, pineapple, bananas.

5. When, if ever, did you start liking olives? I don’t remember? I never liked the Kalamamamamama olives they have in greek salads, but I love black olives and green olives with pimento. That was always on my dad’s go-to tray of appetizers when we’d have Christmas at our house. 3 kinds of olives, some cheese, and salami or whatever. I always ate the green and black olives from there. I also like green olives stuffed with other things too, like bleu cheese or garlic.

6. When, if ever, did you start liking beer? I only like some beers really. I think I’ve been conditioned to like it at baseball games because my dad does, haha.

7. When, if ever, did you start liking shellfish? My whole life dude. When my parents would go out to dinner with us when we were little, they always just gave us stuff from there plates to eat. So if someone had lobster or crab legs or shrimp I would too.

8. What was the best thing your mom/dad/guardian used to make? My dad makes KILLER bleu cheese dressing. I could eat that shit with a spoon it’s SO GOOD. He also makes amazing spaghetti sauce and is pretty good at getting popcorn perfect everytime. My mom used to make really good beef stew, and her famous potatoes and eggs fr dinner. She also made the BEST potato salad, and that recipe has been handed down to me. Everyone claims it’s amazing, but I still think she made it better.

9. What’s the native specialty of your hometown? Deep dish pizza, hot dogs, beef sandwiches, caramel and cheese popcorn.

10. What’s your comfort food? Everything.

11. What’s your favourite type of chocolate? Milk chocolate. With caramel. 12. How do you like your steak? Medium rare.

13. How do you like your burger? Medium rare.

14. How do you like your eggs? In omelet form.

15. How do you like your potatoes? I ain’t got no type.

16. How do you take your coffee? I don‘t, really.

17. How do you take your tea? Green.

18. What’s your favourite mug? The one I use most often is just a plain red one that I got from Home Goods because it came with a tea infuser.

19. What’s your biscuit or cookie of choice? Sugar cookies. My favorite ones are actually those Pillsbury pre-made-dough ones you break off and bake. I also love Oreos.

20. What’s your ideal breakfast? Lox and bagels.

21. What’s your ideal sandwich? ^. Or tuna on any bread.

22. What’s your ideal pizza: Very saucy, lightly cheesy, with pepperoni and black olives.

23. What’s your ideal pie (sweet or savoury)? Cheesecake. <– Same, and it’s been waaaay too long since I last had a good piece of cheesecake. <----CHEESECAKE IS NOT PIE YOU HEATHENS, IT’S CAKE. Anyway, pumpkin pie has been my go to since I was a baby.

24. What’s your ideal salad? I don’t really have an “ideal” salad, but I like spinach salads with various toppings.

25. What food do you always like to have in the fridge? Hmm. Eggs, soy milk, condiments and marinades, sriracha, pickles, olives, cheese, water.

26. What food do you always like to have in the freezer? Ice. :P And frozen dinners for Mark. We don’t buy a ton of frozen stuff.

27. What food do you always like to have in the cupboard? Oatmeal, Ramen and other soups, pasta, rice, flour, breadcrumbs, olive oil and other oils, tea.

28. What spices can you not live without? Celery salt, red pepper, and cilantro. And of course salt and pepper.

29. What sauces can you not live without? Sriracha.

30. Where do you buy most of your food? Jewel-Osco. We might start shopping at Aldi for boxed and bagged goods. I don’t trust meat and produce from there though.

31. How often do you go food shopping? Twice a week. Once on Sunday to get lunch things and snacks for the week and dinners for that night, Monday, and Tuesday, and then Wednesday just for dinner things for that night, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

33. What’s the most expensive piece of kitchen equipment you own? I mean, probably the fridge or stove? We don’t really own those though? Sooooo the food processor?

34. What’s the last piece of equipment you bought for your kitchen? It’s been a while since we’ve actuall bought something for the kitchen. A lot of our stuff is hand-me-downs or wedding gifts. So probably something from when we first moved in and needed basic things like plates and silverware.

35. What piece of kitchen equipment could you not live without? Probably most of them? Like we need the fridge and stove for obvious reasons, so I guess next to that, the microwave?

36. How many times a week/month do you cook from raw ingredients? We try to almost every night.

37. What’s the last thing you cooked from raw ingredients? Chicken and spinach last night, unless overnight oats count, which I made shortly after that to eat this morning.

38. What meats have you eaten besides cow, pig and poultry? I’ve had lamb, duck, goat, alligator, buffalo, and ostrich. Well I guess duck and ostrich are poultry?? Oh and a shit ton of seafood too since that wasn’t listed in the question. Way too much to name.

39. What’s the last time you ate something that had fallen on the floor? Yesterday. I ate a chip that fell in sand oops. Haha.

40. What’s the last time you ate something you’d picked in the wild? Uh, I mean, we have a veggie and herb garden in our yard. I packed some cucumbers and tomatoes from there for lunch today.

41. Arrange the following in order of preference: Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Indian, Thai, Sushi – Sushi, Thai, and Mexican are tied for first. Then Italian, Indian, Chinese.

42. Arrange the following in order of preference: Vodka, Whiskey, Brandy, Rum – Rum, Vodka, Whiskey, Brandy.

43. Arrange the following in order of preference: Garlic, Basil, Caramel, Lime, Mint, Ginger, Aniseed – I have no idea what aniseed is, but the rest are all tied.

44. Arrange the following in order of preference: Pineapple, Orange, Apple, Strawberry, Cherry, Watermelon, Banana. – Watermelon, pineapple, banana, strawberry, orange, apple, cherry.

45. Bread and spread: Um. My favorite bread is garlic bread, if that’s what you’re asking.

46. What’s your fast food restaurant of choice, and what do you usually order? Popeye’s. I get chicken strips and Cajun fries. If they are having some promotional thing with the strips I’ll probably get that.

47. Pick a city. What are the best dining experiences you’ve had in that city? Any city and any restaurant that has crab legs is a good dinning experience in my mind.

48. What’s your choice of tipple at the end of a long day? What the hell is a tipple?

49. What’s the next thing you’ll eat? Lunch. I made tuna and have cucumbers and tomatoes to eat with it. I brought bread too but I probably wont end up eating that.

50. Are you hungry now? I’m a little hungry.

51. Do you eat your breakfast everyday? Yes. I have oatmeal or cereal every day.

52. At what time do you have breakfast? When I work, it’s sometime after 7am. On weekends, it’s whenever I get up.

53. At what time do you have lunch? 11:30am on weekdays, whenever on weekened.

54. What do you have for lunch? I mentioned this above.

55. At what time do you have dinner? around 7.

56. What do you have for dinner? Obviously different things every night? Tonight’s dinner is up in the air because my cousin is coming in from Hawaii and we are staying with my dad so my he will most likely order takeout.

57. Do you light candles during dinner? No.

58. How many chairs are there in your dining room and who sits in the main chair? We don’t have a dining room in our apartment. We have a kick ass coffee table that pulls up to dining-table height and we eat on the couch at that.

59. Do you eat and drink using your right hand or the left one? I eat with my right and I don’t have a hand preference with my drinks.

61. Mention the veggies that you like most: Spinach, asparagus, zucchini, butternut squash.

62. What fruit and vegetable do you like the least? Apparently fennel is a vegetable, so that. And water chestnuts if that’s a veggie too. My least favorite fruit is blackberries and raspberries.

63. You like your fruit salad to have more: Watermelon.

64. You prefer your vegetable salad to contain more: Uh. Cucumbers, I guess? Is a vegetable salad just raw veggies thrown together?

65. What’s your favourite sandwich spread? Peanut butter, I guess?

66. What’s your favourite chocolate bar? Butterfingers.

67. What’s your favourite dessert? Brownies or cheesecake.

68. What’s your favourite drink? Root beer. Preferably Barq’s.

69. What’s your favourite snack? Chips and guac or salsa, popcorn, Goldfish crackers, Cheez-its, Chex mix.

70. What’s your favourite bubble gum flavour? WATERMELON BUBBLICIOUS. I haven’t had that in a hot minute.

71. What’s your favourite ice cream flavour? Salted Caramel Butter Pecan. Only one brand makes it. I haven’t seen it in a while though.

72. What’s your favourite potato chip flavour? Sour cream and cheddar.

73. What’s your favourite soup? Potato. Egg lemon. Lobster bisque.

74. What’s your favourite pizza? Deep dish from Lou’s, thin crust from Marie’s, and 8-corner pan pizza from Jet’s.

75. What’s your favourite type of dish? Seafood dishes.

76. What food do you hate? I’ve kinda mentioned these throughout this survey. There’s not much I dislike.

77. What’s your favourite restaurant? Any place with crab legs.

78. Do you eat homemade food, food delivered from outside? Both.

80. Who cooks at home? Mark usually.

81. What kind of diet (e.g. low-fat, high-fiber, high-carbohydrate, balanced diet etc.) do you have? I try to balance it.

82. How do you keep yourself fit? I work out every day. I’m by no means “fit” yet, but I am getting there.

[professionalfoodstalker]

One In A Million // Kevin

Girl you're so one in a million You are Baby you're the best I ever had Best I ever had And I'm certain that There ain't nothing better No there ain't nothing better than this ××× It's too damn early for this. Why I had to be the one to go the grocery store I don't know. They woke me up out of my sleep knowing damn well out of everybody in the house I like my sleep the most. "Kev. Kev. Kevin we need to go to the store." Brian said, lightly shaking me in my bed. "Then go to store and leave me the hell alone." I groaned in my pillow, then flipped myself over to where my back was facing him. "I'm sorry. What I meant was: you need to go to the grocery store." "Rok, you're already up, why can't you go? Are you disabled in any way shape or form?!" He flopped on my bed and I was tempted to push him off. "Nah, man, me and Nick were about to get into an intense game off Mario Kart when I realized we're out of breakfast food." "There are 2 other guys in this house you could ask so why are you bothering me specifically?" To my dismay, I could feel myself slowly waking up. "If Jay went, he wouldn't be back until like five o'clock in the afternoon. If D went, he'd come back in time just not with the correct groceries. (Ya know, I think he does that on purpose so I won't ask him again.) I'm asking you because I know you're the most responsible and you'd go and get the right stuff in a timely fashion." Eventually I sat up and pushed Brian off my bed, hesitantly agreeing to go get groceries. I slowly push around the metal cart, thinking of all the ways to hurt those inconsiderate bastards when I get home when I hear metal clashing. I shake off those thoughts and look up to see what happened. "Holy shit! I am so sorry. I wasn't paying attention and it's so early. I haven't had my morning coffee yet so I promise I didn't mean to do it on purpose!" This woman stammers and I can make out the fatigue in her voice. She doesn't even glance up at me. She has fair brown skin and her hair is in a messy bun atop her head. The fact that she's not wearing makeup tells me that she really is tired and doesn't care that's she's out in public looking like she just woke up. I don't know what color her eyes are under her shades but I can surely tell that she looks tired and her lack of effort to smile doesn't help. Her baggy Lion King sweatshirt hangs off of her left shoulder and her sweatpants are seemingly held up by the jaw string. "It's alright, I promise. Clearly I wasn't the one paying attention." I say presenting a small smile. (One I'm hoping she'll reciprocate.) When she finally gives me her attention, her face stills. She bears an unreadable expression and I don't know what for. In what seems like a flash, she untangles her basket with mine, reverses it and changes her direction. Maybe she's not a social person... "Hey, wait..." My voice fades out in realization that it's not even worth it. Moving on, the first aisle I step into is for cereal because Howie can't go a day without his Lucky Charms and will be pissed if I don't get them. It makes me chuckle, remembering when AJ ate the last of the Lucky Charms one time and Howie cussed him out in Spanish. And Nick was mocking Howie, then he got cussed out in Spanish. Yesterday was fun. Next Brian wanted me to get him some macaroni and cheese, ice tea, and ginger ale for him. Nick and I both like Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, that reminds me to get two separate pints this time because next time he eats mine I will kick that kid's ass. I search through all the various flavors of dairy delicacy and my ears unconsciously pick up on a conversation being held in the next aisle over. "Mama, you don't understand! He was fine...as in fine as hell fine!" The voice sort of matches the one to the female that I had a semi pleasant encounter with no less than five minutes ago. I continue my actions with pulling two cartons out of the freezer and her voice gets closer. "No, I know, Mama! Yeah you didn't send me to the store to find a man. I got it. But he was fine! Now what type of bread do you say get?" Now I don't want to get cocky because I hate arrogant people but what are the odds that she isn't talking about me? Honestly. I have no intentions whatsoever to confront her but the bizarre thought of this woman openly talking about me is kind of exciting! Calm down Kevin! This woman could be talking about some other good looking gentleman at this market at 10 o'clock in the morning. As my luck would have it, just as I'm turning out of the frozen section I crash into another cart. Or rather the same cart as before. I was most definitely distracted by that woman's conversation and that's exactly who I run into. Seems like she didn't expect it neither, her shades fell off her face but she held onto that phone like it was her lifeline. "Oh my fucking God!" She hisses under her breath but loud enough for me to hear. And she cusses, that's not very ladylike. I like it. I see there is coffee in her basket along with creamer, zebra cakes, swiss roles, cheese crackers, white milk, hot pockets, and bread. Is that for her because that is junk. Straight junk. But who am I to judge? She drops to her knees to pick up her shades and when she comes back up I am bitch slapped by her beauty. Her cheekbones rival that of my own and her eyes are a shade of green and brown. Out of all the guys I know, I've never been ashamed to admit to myself that I have a black woman fetish. Well, my cousin's got a bit of one himself; they obviously love the jawline, baby blue eyes and the goofy personality. But I can't blame him, we grew up the same way and they were almost like forbidden treasure to us. And people know that when you can't have something you without a doubt want it even more. "I don't know whether to say this is funny or very awkward." I comment jokingly. "Same. I feel like I have introduce myself now since I've interrupted your day twice now with my carelessness." She chuckles, putting her shades atop her head and I am literally mesmerized by her eyes but it appears like she's trying to avoid eye contact. Nor does she remove her basket from mine. "Well that shouldn't be too hard. My general southern hospitality requires me to go first, I'm Kevin." I hold out my hand for her to shake (and I want to look into her eyes, if she gives me the opportunity.) Yes, my heart speeds up a notch when she giggles at my lame joke. I don't even know this woman's name! Come on Richardson, get it together! "Southern hospitality, huh? Thought I heard a country accent in there somewhere. Eva." My heart rate kicks it up another two notches as she shakes my hand and meets my eyes all at once. ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××× I rush into the house, nearly throwing the groceries into he kitchen. Brian and Nick were – just like he said – engaged in a severely intense game of Mario Kart. Looks like their trying to beat Rainbow Road again. "Hey cuz! Did you get the stuff from the store?" Brian asks, not moving from his position. I'm moving so fast, I'm struggling to take off my jacket to get upstairs to change. Someone comes up behind and tugs my jacket sleeve and everything fell into place afterwards. I turn around and see it's just Howie and he looks like he woke a second ago. He goes to lay down on the couch and watches Bri and Nick play the game without any words. That could've been me but then I wouldn't have gotten Eva's number! And I sure as hell wouldn't be meeting her at Starbucks for lunch! "I sure did!" I yell from the hallway. "Oh since you're so helpful can you also–" "No. No. And hell no. Cook you're own damn food! I have a place to be." "But I wasn't–" "I don't care. I have a place to be." I steady my breathing by walking up the stairs then I hear: "Damn, you'd think he's getting his dick sucked at this place where he has to be!" The his unmistakeable giggles to follow. "The fuck did you say Nickolas?!" I pause on the carpeted stairs. The childish giggles turn in coughs real quick. If I wasn't in such a hurry to take a shower and choose a casual outfit for Starbucks, I'd go back down there to threaten him with my fist. That always works quite effectively. We plan to meet up at 12:30 so that gives me roughly an hour. I took some time in the shower to wash my long hair and it needs to blow dried which I will do after I put on my clothes. A white T-shirt, red flannel, and jeans is casual right? White Converse are like the epitome of casual in my book. I check my watch and see that I have 10 minutes and it takes me a minute or so to get over the shock of that I clearly stayed in the showers way too long. Now I don't have time to dry my hair. Good Lord, I sound like a woman! Man bun will have to do I see. Cologne, check. Deodorant, check.  Groucho Marx eyebrows, check. Wallet, check. I'm good to go. I basically jump down the stairs and now everyone is playing Mario Kart game. Appears to be DK Summit this time. "Ah fuck you AJ! How dare you throw that blue shell at me! It's the last lap too!" "Nicky it's not my fault your ass was in first place. Keyword being was." AJ cackles. "Language!" Brian scolds. "And you're in last place that wouldn't have helped you anyway." I comment. Nick looks up at me and pauses the game with his controller. "Kev, where're you going? Are you really going get your dick sucked?" "Language!" "Nick...You better hope you're not the first person I see when I come back from Starbucks." "Starbucks?!" They question in unison. "You hate Starbucks! You think all the people who drink Starbucks are uptight and full of themselves!" Howie says. "And I still do. I have a lunch date with this woman I met at the store so that's the only reason I'm going. Don't wait up kids. Don't burn down the house. Don't starve. Daddy will be back later." I grab my keys, jacket and walk out the door. ××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××× On the way there all I could think about was what this Eva woman was like. There's no doubt that's she's cooler than Elsa on ice. I just want to get to know her. She's obviously gorgeous and that makes me nervous. And this will be the first time I was asked out by a black woman, normally it's the other way around but I have no problem with that either. I enter the coffee shop and there she was standing at the front of the line in a yellow sundress with white Converse and her hair is out of that perfect messy bun. Gorgeous. And casual, like I thought. I don't know what she was ordering but I thought I should pay for it. "Hey you!" I greeted her and she jumps, holding her chest. "Hey you! Don't do that I have a weak heart." She laughs to herself. "Oh my God, really?" "Oh hell no but don't do that. I was just ordering if you want anything." "I don't eat here so I wouldn't know what's good. Why can't I just have what you're having?" "Because I'm getting a salad, do you want a salad?" "Oh hell no." I chuckle, my eyes graze the menu. "Get whatever you feel won't ruin my taste buds. I trust you, girl." "But you don't know me." I lean down to whisper in her ear. My lips graze her ear. "That's what I'm here for, Eva." I turn on my heels and search for a booth to sit at. An hour later we're chatting like we've been friends for years. I finished my sandwich and she finished her salad. "Can I ask you a question?" "Sure babe." That came out oddly easily. It rolled off the tongue like water rolled off a duck's back. "Do you know that you are insanely gorgeous? Like you are fine as hell!" Suspicions confirmed. I drop my head and when you're white, the blush is right there front and center. "You must make men feel real insecure when you're standing next to them huh?" "And you're one to talk! I feel like I'm on a date with a supermodel." "I don't know about the super part but that's probably because I am a model." My eyebrows nearly shoot off my face. I stand no chance of hiding my shock. "Really I'm model too!" "I'm gonna have to come see one of your shows then. I'm sure I won't be disappointed." Eva winks at me and I can't stop smiling. "I guess that means the same for me. I know I won't be disappointed." Then I add my wink and she tucks a braid behind her ear and that's probably the sexiest thing I've seen in a while. The flirting continued all throughout the rest of the date. It went so well. Better than well more like fantastic. I stroll in the house with a sack of Chinese food and a stupid ass grin that's going to break my face sooner or later. Those little bastards snatch the bag out of my hand but nothing can kill my vibe. I know its too early to tell but damn, Eva might be the one. I don't think I will be able to find another one like her. Brian walks up to me putting soy sauce on his teriyaki chicken and rice. I look down at my little cousin and the grin still hasn't wavered. "Aren't you glad I sent you to the grocery store?" I don't even respond I simply nod and join the boys in the kitchen. ×××××× @nessaimagines

[teagantromsness-blog]

Day 2 - March 18th, 2020

Having no snacks is killing me. I really want to just go to my pantry and grab some crackers, but I am refusing to do that because I want to stick to the challenge as best as I can.

Today for breakfast I had the same thing I did yesterday, except I had maple and brown sugar oatmeal and I put some of the cinnamon and spice dried oatmeal on my yogurt. My yogurt was good today with the uncooked oatmeal on it. Having the texture and the spices on it definitely made it more enjoyable to eat. My oatmeal, however, did not taste like anything. I expected it to be really sweet, because it was maple and brown sugar flavour, but it was pretty much just mush. It was not crunchy today, though, so that was a bonus!

For lunch I had the same thing that I had yesterday. I am not minding having peanut butter, as long as the bread is slightly toasted. If I had to eat it as a plain sandwich, I would probably not ‘enjoy’ it as much as I do. I was worried when I was picking out my carrots that I was not going to have enough veggies with my lunch. It has turned out the last few days to be similar to what I am used to for my lunch. My egg, once again, was fabulous. It was the perfect thing to finish off my lunch to last me until I ate dinner.

I feel like I am on the game of survivor and I have only been given pasta to eat instead of rice. For dinner tonight I had fusilli pasta but this time I managed to cook an egg to go on top for some sauce. It did not work out how I thought it was going to, there was a lot less yolk than I thought there was going to be. I did cook it properly, so that was a bonus! Also with the egg my meal did not feel like I was missing something, so that was also nice. I might try scrambling an egg, just so it feels more substantial with my dinner tomorrow, along with some of the beans that I got at the store today.

One of the hardest things is watching TV and seeing all of the commercials for food and roll up the rim. I’ll be watching TV, and then a Tim Hortons commercial will come on and I think “Oh I should get one tomorrow”, but I cannot because of my budget for the week does not allow for any room to buy coffee. I cannot wait to be able to eat snacks after this week is over. I am already wanting to just grab some crackers or even a glass of milk from the fridge. That has been the hardest thing today, as well as knowing that other people are able to grab whatever they want to eat or go get a coffee just because they want one. That was a very hard obstacle to face today. I was able to get through the day without much of a coffee headache, so that was a good thing.

I also went to the grocery store today. I needed something else to go with my supper meal, so I went to see if I could find some cheap vegetables or beans that were in the $1.50 I had left in my budget. That was hard to do, because I have more than just $1.50 left in my wallet. It was also hard because the shelves were still very empty from the weekend. In the end, I got one can of brown beans and some bulk soybeans that were cheap. Tomorrow, I am going to include one of these in my meal. That little bit of protein will be helpful because it will give me more of the energy that I am used to.

I have always known that food affects mood. Today I have felt it more than I ever have. Normally when I eat lunch too late I get hangry, but even as I was making my meals today and sitting down for lunch I could feel myself gaining more energy and getting happier. In my research, (Department of Health & Human Services, 2017) said that there is no one food that helps to lift mood, and that it is diet that lifts mood. One thing that spoke to me was when the Department of Health & Human Services, (2017) said that “Wholegrains…can promote the growth of good gut bacteria that may have a positive effect on mental health”. I have been eating more grains than I normally would these past few days. With every meal, I have had grains, except for lunch. For lunch I have had white bread for my sandwiches, because that was the loaf of bread that had 14 pieces of bread for sandwiches. My supper last night and tonight has been healthy 5 ancient grains pasta. That would be the reason for my increase in energy while I am eating.

It was a good thing that I was alone today. I was able to deal with the fatigue that I felt from not having any coffee today. It gave me the chance to sit in my room and do some school work. In my research I came across a website that described how kindergartners are affected by food insecurity. Hoxworth (2018) said that children that come from a home with food insecurity are less likely to be prepared to enter kindergarten than those that come from a home with food security. This made me think about how I am eating this week, and how if a child had to live off of this diet, they would not be very well prepared to go into kindergarten and start their school journey. Being unprepared to enter kindergarten could have such a big impact on the rest of their school journey. With this knowledge, I am definitely going to be more supportive of a breakfast program and food banks. The nutritional value that food gives to education and the preparedness level to learn is so important that with a poor diet they will not be able to be prepared to learn. This made me think about how much food I eat in a typical day to get what I need in order to focus on my school work. I think that if I had to last on what I am eating this week on a typical school week, I would find it very hard to focus and make good decisions about my school work, let alone interact with teachers and classmates.

Overall, I think today was a better day than yesterday was. I am hoping that as I go along that I will have more energy from my food for longer periods of time, as I teach my body what it is like to live without coffee for a change.

Department of Health & Human Services. (2017, October 31). Mood and food. Retrieved from https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/healthyliving/mood-and-food

Hoxworth, L. (2018, January 4). Brain Food: Exploring the Connections Between Nutrition and Learning. Retrieved from https://news.virginia.edu/content/brain-food-exploring-connections-between-nutrition-and-learning

[presenttenthss-blog]

Daily Update

Woke up this am at 168.6 lbs. My family visited us for a housewarming get together this past weekend and I definitely overindulged. So this is likely my true baseline so now we’re looking at about 10.6 lbs to go.

Yesterday I did fair with intake. Lunch was leftovers so a bit heavy but I ate light for dinner and no alcohol, which feels like a huge accomplishment in itself.

I started this morning with coffee - I’ve had to use milk over the last 3 or so months because of the acid reflux. I used to pride myself off of drinking my coffee black but getting old is not for the weary. 

I had a cheese plate for breakfast. Yes. You heard it. I’m on staycation all week and I’m living my life to its fullest. I kept lunch light with tuna, cheese and crackers. I went shopping midday, after a 1 mile walk with my dog and an arm workout. I had to pick up an iced macchiato from Dunkin, though. Only 120 kcals. Dinner tonight is spaghetti squash with lean ground beef and PUMPKIN CHIPOTLE SAUCE. Thanks, Aldi!!! Also going to make some roasted brussel sprouts because I’m gonna lose those little buds if I don’t cook them now.

We’re having our friends over this weekend for a house warming party and I got a lot of food items together while out. We’re smoking pork and having some southern sides (mac and cheese, baked beans, collards, etc). Will still probably need to go back after doing a more thorough inventory. 

What are your party favorites? We always have a cheese plate (Aldi has the best deals on meat and cheese) and light snacks to transition the crowd towards dinner. I’m also making some pumpkin spice cupcakes and “puppy chow” for dessert. Paired with the BEST local coffee, of course. It’s all about balance, y’all!

[freewombatsoulghost-blog]

Update

Okay. I got new weights. Im 90kg. (197lb).

I broke my fast because my boyfriend was wanting to drink and then we got fast food and i binged. I binged so hard i was full until half way through the next day.

Then, yesterday, i ate crackers and cordial mixed with vodka in the morning, i felt like shit about it and decided not to eat for the rest of the day, but my boyfriend took us out to eat at a burger place. I had a big chocolate thick shake, and half a burger and a serving of sweet potato fries.

I feel like shit man. Whats wrong with me?

Today (its 2:20 am) last time I ate was around 9pm last night, im going to try to do a 24 hour fast. Im only going to break it if im forced to by my boyfriend.

Also I normally mix my coffee 50/50 with milk because its too bitter for me but im worried about the calories in that, so im going to change to skim milk, and less of it. By the end of the week i want to be able to just drink black coffee.

Wish me luck.