#i often struggle making a character that has a strong internal self-identity

[ssscreamingwrites]

personal info is the easiest to me bc, in my head, it’s basically just one answer? like, filling in general knowledge or just surface level view of how ppl see the character. i think the hardest for me to nail either the backstory / personality bc i see them as two cogs in the machine. if one doesn’t make sense, then it just doesn’t work. & backstory = trying make it plausible in the world which often leads to trying to rationalise some form of world-building (i struggle a lot with world-building). a general vibe of how the character is / how they act is easy — so daydreaming about an OC & their adventures without the pressure of writing that shit down is fun. but it’s hard for me to narrow down specific intricacies bc i like it be almost like an explanation(?) for why they act the way they act. tbh, it’s usually just me overcomplicating things and then getting frustrated i just spent hours trying to justify why they’re being a little freak. but it’s also me going… this is the third girlfailure that is propelled by external factors to end up wanting to eat / kill / be god, i need some diversity.

quick question 'cuz I am losing my mind a little with my WIPs right now...

I'd appreciate reblogs with explanations, or an addition to what is the hardest for you to do.

[frailsituation]

Tips for writing internal conflict

1. Define the Core Dilemma

• Internal conflict occurs when a character faces a choice or emotional struggle within themselves. This dilemma should challenge their values or identity.

• How? The struggle should feel deeply personal and tied to the character’s motivations.

• Example: A character who values independence but must rely on others in a life-or-death situation.

2. Make it tied to their core values

• The conflict should challenge what the character holds dear—whether it’s their morals, desires, or goals.

• How? The inner conflict should push the character to re-evaluate their beliefs and priorities.

• Example: A soldier torn between duty and personal ethics, forced to choose between following orders and doing what’s right.

3. Amplify with external consequences

• Link internal conflict to external consequences that impact the character and those around them. The choices they face should have significant repercussions.

• How? Show how the character’s internal conflict influences their decisions in the real world.

• Example: A character haunted by guilt must choose whether to admit their past mistakes, risking their career and relationships.

4. Show the pressure building over time

• Internal conflict intensifies when it’s compounded by time, increasing stakes, or mounting external pressure.

• How? Create scenes where the character feels the weight of their choices growing heavier with every passing moment.

• Example: A character whose addiction threatens to ruin their life, struggling to break free but tempted by old habits every day.

5. Conflict arises from competing desires

• Internal conflict often stems from having two equally strong desires that cannot coexist.

• How? Put your character in situations where they must choose between these desires, both of which seem vital.

• Example: A character torn between pursuing their dream job across the country or staying to care for a dying parent.

6. Explore their fears and insecurities

• Internal conflict can also be driven by the character’s deepest fears or insecurities, which affect their actions and decisions.

• How? Fear of failure, rejection, or loss can prevent them from acting, making every decision feel like a battle.

• Example: A character who has been hurt before refuses to let anyone in, even though they deeply crave connection.

7. The power of self-sabotage

• Let the character’s internal conflict lead to self-sabotage. They may avoid decisions or create obstacles to protect themselves from facing their own feelings.

• How? Show how the character's fear or internal resistance undermines their progress.

• Example: A character constantly pushes away someone they care about because they fear their own vulnerability.

8. Use internal dialogue to show the battle

• Let readers hear the character’s internal struggle through thoughts, doubts, or justifications. Internal dialogue can make the conflict feel more immediate and real.

• How? Keep the internal dialogue sharp, reflective, and in line with the character’s voice.

• Example: “I want to tell them the truth, but what if they leave? Can I really risk that?”

9. Drive change through resolution

• The internal conflict should lead to growth or change in the character. They should evolve, learn, or make peace with their internal struggle.

• How? The resolution should feel earned and reflect the character’s journey.

• Example: A character who fears commitment learns to trust and embrace vulnerability in the face of love.

10. Let it affect the bigger picture

• The resolution of internal conflict should impact the story’s larger arc, showing how the character’s inner change leads to progress or a new direction.

• How? The resolution should tie back to the theme and forward momentum of the plot.

• Example: A character who learns to forgive themselves is able to take the final step in reconciling with a loved one, mending broken relationships.

Follow for more!

[denimbex1986]

'All of Us Strangers, loosely adapted from the novel ‘Strangers’ by the Japanese writer Taichi Yamada is a narrative that deals with love, loss, and loneliness, keeping queerness at its core.

The story follows a writer named Adam who spends time in his apartment working on his next writing piece, meets a mysterious neighbor, and as the closeness among the characters increases Adam finds himself drawn back to his childhood home, revisiting ghosts in his memories.

The concept of the story is inherently fascinating. The notion of confronting long-departed parents, particularly as a gay man like Adam, carries immense emotional weight and complexity. The idea of meeting them as an adult, grappling with one’s identity and the memories of past struggles, is both nerve-racking and astonishing. The film’s near-perfect execution captures this essence, rendering the experience raw and surreal.

Throughout the narrative, the emotional intensity builds with each visit Adam makes to his parents in his memories, occurring approximately every twenty to twenty-five minutes. These encounters serve as poignant reminders of the challenges he faced in coming to terms with his identity, which has taken the form of loneliness for him.

Now, ‘coming out’ is a deeply personal and multifaceted experience, often defying easy articulation. It involves a myriad of factors and emotions, including the stigma that a person has about how they will be perceived once they come out, how they need to stand up for their dignity and be proud of their newfound identity that they have struggled for almost all their life, and somewhere critically assuming that what the other person might make out of it and yet being strong and emotionally vulnerable enough to go through that — all this internal conflict and external pressures faced by queer individuals is perfectly summed up through writing and acting.

Conversations about queerness are subtly woven into the fabric of the film, leaving a lasting impact. In one memorable scene, Harry, portrayed by the talented Paul Mescal, reflects on the connotations of being gay, expressing how he perceives it as somewhat derogatory while finding the term “queer” more inclusive and nonchalant. This dialogue subtly underscores the societal biases and stereotypes associated with different labels, highlighting the journey toward self-acceptance and inclusivity. Another significant moment occurs when Jamie Bell’s character, Adam’s father, opens up about his awareness of Adam’s struggles as a child. He recalls Adam’s moments of solitude and tears, revealing his own internal conflict about intervening. His admission that he refrained from taking action out of fear of exacerbating Adam’s potential bullying is a gut-wrenching revelation. It exposes a harsh reality, delving deep into the later guilt that his father is left with.

Scenes like these do more than just capture the queer narrative, they offer authentic glimpses into the lived experiences of queer individuals, and through genuine portrayals and heartfelt dialogue, you cannot let go of the feeling that these characters are going through.

Moving ahead, what amplifies the emotional impact is the acting, particularly through Andrew Scott’s nuanced performance. In the initial scenes, Scott’s character, Adam, never fully displays overt crying. Instead, he subtly conveys his inner turmoil through teary eyes and attempts to conceal his emotions by covering his face. This choice adds layers to Adam’s character, suggesting a desire to hide his pain, both metaphorically and subliminally. I found this choice rather endearing. Scott’s portrayal effectively builds tension as Adam struggles to contain his emotions, creating a sense of unease for the audience. When Adam finally unleashes a torrent of intense tears, the moment is all the more powerful for its contrast to his earlier restraint. Remarkably, this emotional outburst occurs without Adam’s face directly facing the camera, intensifying the discomfort and emphasizing the rawness of his pain. ‘Andrew Scott’ truly channels perfection throughout. His portrayal captures the subtle nuances of Adam’s “broken feeling,” conveying it not only through physical gestures but also through the modulation of his voice.

‘Paul Mescal’ also brings a captivating enigma to his role as Harry, infusing the character with a sense of mystery that persists throughout the film, which makes perfect sense as the movie enters its climax. Both actors bring forth their finest work. The chemistry among the characters they are playing makes you root for them and almost leaves you in disbelief before the final credit rolls. Furthermore, Claire Foy and Jamie Bell, again elevate the experience with their performances, drawing you into the inner worlds of their characters with empathy and authenticity.

The one-hour and forty-five minutes long film seamlessly transitions to various sequences while keeping the narrative concisely interesting yet broad in its approach. The screenplay is one of the most intriguing factors in keeping the viewer hooked as everything (intentionally) seems a little disorganized in the beginning. The cinematography and visual storytelling take this tale in a mainstream sort of cinema which doesn’t resonate with the kind of story structure that it wants to follow, and I believe that is where the creativity peaked. The use of lighting is so effective, especially in one sequence where you feel Adam’s feeling of claustrophobia — effectively.

Lastly, the writer & director Andrew Haigh, known for his work in shows & movies like ‘Looking’ and ‘Weekend’ yet again brings one of the most authentic queer experiences. From on-point and stellar dialogues to a complex story structure, the director and his team give it all in and tease you with an unsaid animosity through its screenplay, making you gush while the tears of tragedy pour down, in short, making the experience for me ‘moving’ and for many a ‘must-watch’.'

[fierautami]

Denny Ja 15 Elected Work: Reviewing Aneta Balada from a Professional Perspective



Denny Ja, a well -known writer in Indonesia, has launched his latest work entitled "Balada Aneta". In this 15th elected work, Denny JA invited the reader to enter the world of Aneta, a young woman who experienced a life journey full of puzzles and emotional conflicts. This article will review "Ballad Aneta" from a professional perspective, highlight narrative power, strong characterization, and moral messages contained in this work. I. INTRODUCTION: Open the Aneta Ballad Curtain In the introduction of his elected work, Denny JA described Aneta as a young woman who had extraordinary potential but was trapped in a complex life struggle. This story is centered on the internal conflict of Aneta, the struggle in finding self -identity, and the journey to self -acceptance. With a strong socio-political background, "Ballad Aneta" attracted readers to explore a world full of moral questions and dilemmas. II. Narrative Beauty in "Ballad Aneta" One of the main forces in the chosen Denny JA 15 work is the narrative beauty presented by the author. With writing flowing and deep description, the reader can directly feel the emotions and struggles experienced by Aneta. The author uses a beautiful and inspiring language style, making the reader drifted in the world of stories that are built very well. III. Strong characterization in "Ballad Aneta" In "Ballad Aneta", Denny Ja succeeded in creating strong and complex characters. Aneta is described as a woman who has a determination but is often trapped in an inner conflict. Through the development of deep character, the reader can see the changes experienced by Aneta from the beginning to the end of the story. Supporting characters such as antagonists, friends of Aneta, and his family are also well explained, adding to the wealth and complexity of the story. IV. Moral Message in "Ballad Aneta" As a professional writer, Denny Ja succeeded in conveying a strong moral message through "Ballad Aneta". This work teaches the importance of accepting yourself, overcoming internal conflicts, and making peace with the past. Aneta became a symbol of the struggle of many individuals in finding identity and facing existing social pressure. Denny Ja is able to present stories that not only entertain, but also provide inspiration and teaching to the reader. V. Conclusion: The greatness of the elected work of Denny Ja 15 Overall, "Ballad Aneta" is a selected work that describes the greatness of Denny Ja as a professional writer. Beautiful narrative, strong characterization, and strong moral messages make this work deserve to get high appreciation. Denny Ja with his expertise in processing words and building stories, able to present a living world and invite readers to reflect on the meaning of life. "Ballad Aneta" is a work that is worth reading and appreciated by Indonesian literature lovers. 

Check more: Denny JA 15 Chosen Work: Reviewing Aneta Balada from a Professional Perspective

[dufferpuffer]

It is grotesque what is said and done by the author and those who think like her towards trans people. It is absolutely foul. It doesn't matter if you are disabled or not, doesn't matter if you have Autism or not - gender identity, and the way it changes, is valid and NEEDS to be respected. It's a human right.

But her experiences with childhood trauma, adult trauma, PTSD/cPTSD, depression, Social rejection (not the modern shit im talking childhood, young adulthood) suicidal thoughts, abuse, feeling trapped, toxic coping mechanisms, poor health - they come through REALLY strongly in many characters. Honestly - Gender Identity too, in a round-about way written by a bigot. But sometimes a bigot saying 'I wanted to be the other gender when I was a kid and it only made me feel more isolated' then fire-hose channeling that into a character has like... idk, interesting-ness? It's potent.

Experience writes itself with just a little intention.

Harry Potter is a story about struggling with all of those things. A lot of what comes through might be subconscious, but it's pulling from personal experience and thus is rich and has lived-in depth. Her writing of trauma and depression is especially good - her writing of invisible disability makes me wonder if she has one herself...?

The way Remus is written to cope with his condition - poorly, man is terrible with 'dignity of risk' assessment - is downright elegant. Toxic internalized-ableism man... when are disabled people allowed to self-hate...? Have dealing with that self hatred be a part of our character arc - but remain loved and lovable every step of the way, through every poor choice and struggle...? I don't think it's too accidental. Because it is EVERYWHERE.

Sirius Black spent years after the death of his best friend 'simplifying his thoughts as a dog' (cough disassociating cough) trapped in a room while creatures that suck the happy thoughts from you as quickly as they come left him with only his very worst memories. Then he was trapped in his family home, with echoes of his mothers abuse and his dead brothers shell of a room. His worst memories surround him... but now he is 'free' people think he is ridiculous to complain. He has a bit more freedom, though - so what did he do to manage his emotions and mental health...? Drinks alcohol.

That is a strong depiction of depression. He is The Black Dog. I love how it starts off fantasy, creatures that eat happiness and leave you feeling cold and hollow... and then just becomes real. His life in his family home isn't that different to Azkaban - a powerful way to show the quiet strength of depression.

I guess what I want to say, really, is that MOST good representation is accidental - or at least mostly accidental. Intentionally written disabled people are very rare and the ones we most often hold dear are, 90% of the time, able-bodied people having a Jimmy Neutron Brain Blast rather than 'how can we depict X disability real well'.

It's really unfortunate that people look at Lycanthropy in Harry Potter and go "It's super yucky the author said she based it on HIV"... ...and then that's the extent they consider it as disability representation: A failure. An insult. The HIV shoe doesn't fit, so it's bad and should be ignored.

A comment from the Author outside of the books has so thoroughly coloured what is seen inside of the books in the dumbest way. When has a fantasy illness EVER worn the shoe of a real disability and had it fit...? Just because authors can be dumb idiot fucks doesn't mean the depth of experience they write doesn't have any merit, consciously or subconsciously - for better or for worse.

It's our job to be smart enough to pick the bones from the blorbo's we are fed - and to be delusional enough to treat them as if they are analogous to real experience, to chew out as much as we can from his narrative. That's the point of fiction. B^)

+ Remus has an invisible disability. (That alone is rare to see) + For multiple days a month he gets visibly unwell - Pale, peaky, weary... he feels off-colour. It heralds his worst symptoms. + Every month he experiences excruciating pain, the humiliation of losing control of his body, the terror of losing grip on his thoughts. Sometimes he self harms in this state. + For multiple days after - he is fatigued. All day laying down. Can't even sit at the table for Christmas lunch or do things he enjoys. + He struggles to keep weight on because of it. Any weight be puts on through the month is lost, leaving him thin and ragged again. ~~~ + The only treatment for his symptoms doesn't help much - and is deeply unpleasant (and a bit degrading) to take. + It's also expensive and difficult to get - he has to see very particular practitioners and jump through hoops to even have a chance for it, in a society that is hostile to his disability. + Even when treated - his condition prevents him from working to a schedule. He needs special facilities and support just to manage. + His poor health may lead him to run late on his work tasks, even when treated and supported adequately. + His disability makes him unemployable. He will not be hired BECAUSE of stigma against his specific condition. + His illness is contagious, which complicates how he lives his life and how he see's himself - as well as how others treat him. + There is rampant misinformation on his condition, probably equal or more than accurate education. Everyone has wrong assumptions and will cling to them tooth and nail.

Like this is is GOOD!!! These symptoms and situations aren't representative of any one disability but I bet most disabled people have at least SOMETHING they will strongly resonate with.

That's not even getting into the fact his mental health is bad BECAUSE of having to live with a disability without support - in rich ways that are allowed to be messy and complicated, that aren't trying to pander to able-bodied people so they don't feel uncomfortable... that don't smooth over the horrors of being unwell and knowing you will never get better and nobody will understand you.

Disability in media most of the time is just "This person lost an arm and the memories make him sad :^( don't worry though his robot arm is better than a normal one :^)" and "I use a wheelchair, and sometimes it can be hard - but all my friends don't mind :^) It rarely ever gets in the way, and when it does, everyone comes together to help me! btw I play a sport" And that's it. Oh sorry I forgot "Blind person but they have super senses"

Those tropes can be done well. But to get anything outside of them is so, SO fucking rare... so it is weird that when Remus has existed for over two decades as a disabled character with depth and nuance... He isn't discussed as he is a poor representation of a single diagnosis.

[makingspiritualityreal]

Numerology Life Path 11 - Your Birth Card and its Ruling Planet

Numerology Life Path Numbers and their assigned Tarot Card Meaning Series - Master Number Edition

This is a post in my new astrology/numerology/tarot series, that only concerns you, if you are a Life Path 11. Posts on consecutive Life Path Numbers will follow. Originally, I wanted to do them all in one post, but my writing turned out to be so long, I decided to split the post and seperate the Life Path Numbers. The introduction part of the post will be the same for all Life Path Numbers, in case you only read a post about your own Life Path Number, and nothing else. Introduction

The concept of a Birth Card links Tarot and Numerology together, in order to deepen our understanding of a vibration of a Life Path Number we are born with. The Birth Card, or rather Birth Cards, are Major Arcana Tarot Cards with assigned numbers, which correlate with Life Path Numbers. Understanding the meaning of tarot cards, mixed with the knowledge of Numerology Vibrations, helps create a more unique vision of your life experience.

A person with any given Life Path Number, having several Major Arcana energies present in their lives, usually struggles with one of the energies more than the other. As a result, life will probably force them to focus on mastering one of these energies. In general, however, any Life Path describes both your biggest downfall and ultimate triumph - just like with an Astrology Chart, the highlighted numbers/astrology houses point to your biggest strengths and weaknesses. For a better understanding of this concept, visit my article “Natal Chart - A map of your issues?”

Remember, that everyone, besides their Life Path Number and Birth Card also has a unique astrology chart. Thus, for some people embracing the higher expression of their energy is easier, for others it’s harder and it takes more time to master, and some energies become easier to deal with than others. Most human beings are somewhere in between, working on their path and having some achievements while struggling with difficulties at the same time.

In the spiritual community, there are differences in opinion on linking Astrological Planets and positions to specific numerology numbers energies. My take is a result of my own personal experience, conversations with other people in my field and research, in order to give you the widest possible spectrum of ideas and increase the understanding of every Life Path Number.

Even If you have only a basic understanding of Astrology, Tarot or Numerology, this post will still be helpful to you, because it describes the unique vibrational mix that comes from the expression of both these spiritual sciences mixed together. To calculate which Tarot Cards and what Life Path correspond to your birthday, click here.

Life Path 11 - The Empathetic, Inspired Leader

A Life Path 11 blends within the energy of the vibration of 1 and 2. This makes this Life Path extremely powerful, but also hypercharged and prone to anxiety, due to the mixed rulership of the most intense luminary influences on Earth, the Sun and the Moon. That is challenging to carry inside simultaneously, as both of these energies have a very different nature and opposite needs. The Sun is active, forward and radiant, the Moon is reactive, shadowy and evasive. That puts this Master Number in a very up-and-down vibration, resembling the extremities of the cycle of the Moon. They either feel highly charged, spilling over with ideas and energy, but also overemotional and difficult to control, resembling the mood of a Full Moon, or they can be depleted and reclusive, desiring for order, clarity, and a clean slate, often compulsive in their organisation, like the energies of a New Moon. They want to lead, but they also want to be nurtured. They desire softness, yet express an intimidating level of power, often without realising it. Balancing these two forces takes time and effort, and requires stepping outside the box, as most of the typical modern world organisation is not fit for the natural energetic rhythm of this Life Path. These people more than anyone else need to operate on their own internal clock in order to live a successful life, because they are highly sensitive to Lunar cycles and they need to have space to self regulate instead of feeling like they need to conform to some external pressure. This way, they can harness their fluctuating energy and channel it during their ups, and allow themselves to rest during their downs.

A Life Path 11 is an emotional pioneer and this vibration can't thrive in any oppressive external environment, as any external pushes that lead them to disconnecting from themselves prevent them from fulfilling their life mission. Due to their extreme sensitivity, an 11 vibration that can't progress on their path can completely shut down, while still having extreme bursts of fluctuating energy, that they channel in a self destructive way due to a lack of a healthy outlet. Being unable to bear with an environment that is destructive to them, this Life Path easily falls into escapism in order to protect their inner vulnerability. A Life Path 11 has an obligation to not allow any destructive influences within their circle, however often earlier in life they are karmically bound to difficult life conditions that trap them in some way, and put a high amount of pressure on their already volatile energy. That is due to this Life Path typically incarnating having significant, yet oppressing soul contracts with particular individuals, that they spiritually offered their assistance to for a certain period of their lives. This vibration can carry a lot of frustration due to simultaneously feeling drained and hyper, seemingly with no outlet or solution to either rest or cope with its overwhelmingly intense energy.

Due to being ruled by the Luminaries of the Zodiac, this Life Path's main quest in this incarnation is to inspire. Sun gives life and light where there was none before, the Moon nourishes and fills the emotional void. That makes these people extremely encouraging when it comes to both the practical and spiritual fulfilment. It is their task to preserve their light through difficult conditions, and when the Karmic obstacles they experience lift, to go out into the world and share their message of hope and allow it to be received by those who need it. This is the special quality that this Life Path carries with it, that distinguishes it from Life Path 1 and Life Path 2. No other Life Path number has the capacity to spread the healing vibration on a collective dimension in such a straightforward, simple way, by just being themselves and telling their story and proving their quality of character.

To look at the associated Tarot cards, simply read my writing on both Life Path 1 and Life Path 2, as all of the information there will apply. However, Life Path 11 vibration particularly resonates with the Justice card, due to it being number 11 in the Tarot Deck. This card represents the strong Karmic forces, that operate behind this Master Number's Life Path. It encourages an 11 vibration to believe in the inherent balance and fairness in the Universe, the cosmic order we are all part of, a bigger plan that they belong to, in order to help them keep a cool head and patience in times of trial and not give into despair, but stay on their path and make the right decisions at the right time, when a door opens up for them.

The key word for this Life Path is Unique. A Life Path 11's task is to embrace their individual role in this incarnation and open itself up to it emotionally, because their calling must always come from the heart in order to be effective in the world. That may be hard due to the trauma that usually builds up for being bullied for their uniqueness early on in life, resulting in severe emotional wounds around their self-identity. However, that very thing that makes an 11 vibration non-conforming or quirky is also their trump card. For this Life Path number, being emotionally in tune with their singular qualities, regardless of anyone else's opinion, is a necessity to be able to function in this life at all. From this self acceptance sprouts inspiration, that then springs forth and floods the world with its magical, transformative energy.

[hopeymchope]

Any DR characters you relate to personally?

I've gotten this question (or something similar) submitted to me before, but I've never answered it. I'm always reluctant to reveal too much about myself on here. But.... I think I'm going to take the leap now and finally give this one a shot.

There's no one person in DR who is the definitive "Oh, I see myself in THEM" character. But I definitely relate to some more than others.

I relate to Naegi's lack of self-esteem, his strong internal convictions... and his shortness, lol. The fact that the series opens with such a character as our protagonist definitely gave me an immediate entry point I could understand. But at the same time, he's much more outspoken about his opinions to the other cast members than I could be with such people I only met recently. And he's optimistic about others and the world - whereas I am the polar opposite of that and feel like people are mostly assholes/we’re all doomed. :P

I relate to Nanami taking her gaming habits everywhere, trying to find time to play all types and genres of games, and also randomly getting sleepy and passing out (narcolepsy/hypersomnia issues). This obviously helps explain why I've never liked the fact that RL Chiaki in DR3 contained none of the sleepiness of her digital counterpart. The idea Nanami's exhaustion is actually just a hint that she's processing/loading or something in DR2 was legitimately very disappointing to me. You don't typically see characters struggling with narcolepsy in media, y'know? And when you do, it's almost always just played for a laugh. God, I hate that.

Seiko Kimura desperately wants to feel useful and appreciated; she finds validation through the knowledge that she’s helping others, which unfortunately makes it easy for some people to exploit her goodwill. She gives of herself repeatedly to people who show her very little consideration in return. All of this also fits me, even though I’ve never had such a serious diet-restricting medical condition. 

So(u)da was bullied as a kid, has trust issues, is openly emotional, and often speaks without thinking first - yeah, I can unfortunately relate to all of that. However! Kazuichi also has his single-minded obsession with a specific member of the opposite sex that is based entirely on his surface-level dream of what the ideal girl should look like, plus he also is (of course) both interested in and skilled with mechanical devices, which — no, no.

I bet a lot of us relate to the idea of hiding elements of who we are inside in order to protect ourselves, right? Which means it’s easy to relate to Chihiro Fujisaki. This is especially true, though, if you’ve ever been told that you somehow are living your gender identity “wrong,” whatever the FUCK that means. 

OK, I officially feel like I’ve said way too much about my life and myself. I’m cutting it off here before my discomfort grows any farther, but I hope you found this interesting, lol.

[dutchdread]

No offense bro, but why are you always so protective of Cloud? No disrespect to you or anything but I've heard quite a bit of different opinions and theories on Cloud myself and I do agree with the people who say that he takes Tifa for granted. Going through trauma in the past is not really an excuse for his behavior. He also does act like he's the only one who has suffered in his life. Do you have other reason to defend him other than the fact that you "relate" to him? Just wondering.

Sorry for the late reply, my life has basically left no room for hobbies these past months. Your question is hard to reply to because I am not sure what you mean when you say I am protective of him. I guess you mean I defend his actions? Specifically in ACC? Firstly let me state that there is a difference between being a good character and being a nice character, there is also a difference between agreeing with someones actions, or just understanding them. Personally, I never really liked Cloud, especially not when I was younger. A lot of my defense of Cloud doesn't come from me personally liking him, but from me thinking he's a good character. I also think Snape is a good character, but I don't like his actions, and I don't defend them, although I still understand them to a certain degree. I should also say that as I started to understand Clouds character more, I also started liking HIM a bit more, although I still don't like the things he did, and would very likely not be friends with him. But I do understand why he did what he did and cannot be too critical of him because of that. You've probably heard that before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That's great advice, if you want to judge someone, you should imagine what it would be like to be them, however, I've noticed that too often when people try to walk a mile in someone elses shoes, they refuse to take their own shoes off first. They don't think "what would it be like to be him", they think "what would I do in that position". But Cloud is not you, and you cannot judge him by how you would act, you've not gone through the same things he has, your thought patterns aren't the same etc. This matters because too often I see people judging Clouds actions in ACC, and establishing his motivations by saying things that boil down to "If I were in his position, I would only do those actions if I loved Aerith/didn't love Tifa/whatever". But they're not Cloud, and they're not understanding how Cloud thinks, and that it's different from how THEY think. But like you said, I do see some recognizable elements of myself in Cloud, which is why I do understand his actions, and why I feel relatively certain in defending them, because I see them coming from a good place. It's common for me to react to things in a way that others find counter-intuitive. Let me give you an example, my brother once was mad at me because I had not told him my girlfriend of several years and I had broken up while I did tell a random stranger at the pub. He said that he felt like he wasn't important to me if I told a random stranger but not him. The truth was the exact opposite, I love my brother, and could not bear to face him for some reason, as I told him: "if not caring enough was the problem, then I wouldn't have told a random stranger". I see people exhibit that same lack of understanding when discussing Clouds actions, where they feel like his actions must be the sign of him just being a bad person, or not caring. But ask yourself what is more likely, that Square-enix wants their hero to be a bad person, or that you simply are misunderstanding the character? I understand why people don't get Cloud, Cloud suffers from obvious mental health issues, and mental health issues simply are not something that the general public understands, even today. Not only that, but Cloud went through the most insane series of traumatic events anyone could ever imagine. He had an alien parasite in him, saw his entire town murdered before his eyes, then saw Zack murdered in front of his eyes, then saw Aerith murdered in front of his eyes, and just when he started living a peaceful life he is forced to watch his child succumb to sickness in front of his eyes, and then he finds he himself is dying. All this on the psyche of a man who had had a fear of failure ever since he was a child, spent most of his life essentially in war, and had a severe identity crisis as well. Do you think you can honestly judge him by going "that's not what I would have done"? Would that not be incredibly

presumptuous? Have you suffered from depression as a result of severe post-war PTSD and a lifelong feeling of inadequacy combined with a fear of failure and the belief that many of your loved ones died because you failed and were inadequate? Because that's the context in which you have to view Cloud when watching Advent Children. Saying "Going through trauma in the past is not really an excuse for his behavior" is just incredibly short-sighted, your behavior is determined by who you are, and who you are is determined by what you go through in the past. You can't expect a broken child to become a well-adjusted adult when being a well-adjusted adult is the result of having a normal childhood.

I also don't want to cause offense, but this really is a mindset you should change, because this mindset is one of the most pervasive and damaging ones in our society, it's the one that probably bothers me most when I hear it because it makes zero sense. It's like breaking a robots self-repair unit, and then being angry at it on the grounds that the self-repair unit should have fixed it. It's also very insensitive in general, it's the equivalent of saying "why are you depressed, just stop being depressed", people don't choose to be depressed, people don't choose to have a fear of failure. People don't choose their emotions, they're just there. They can be influenced by behavior over time, sure, but behavior is equally influenced by who you are and your emotions, which, as mentioned before, is determined for a large part by your past. People don't just "snap out of it". They fight and fight and fight, and sometimes they win and break out of the spiral, and sometimes they lose and it breaks them.

FFVII, and especially Advent children, is all about that struggle, and during those struggles you will have high-points, and low-points. FFVII shows all of those. It shows Cloud trying, it shows Cloud wanting, it shows Cloud failing, but it also, ultimately, shows Cloud prevailing. Judging Cloud for not breaking out of the spiral by the time of Advent children, when he was mentally only barely 18 years old, and when he started at the worst place anyone could ever imagine, is just not reasonable. It's the modern day equivalent of "let them eat cake", something that can only be said from the place of privilege of not knowing what the struggles of the people you're critiquing are actually like. So having that out of the way, lets look at Clouds actions from the perspective of Cloud. Cloud is a young boy, and he's in love with the girl next door, he wants to get her to notice him. One day said girl walks up a mountain and he follows, she falls off a bridge and ends in a coma. Cloud followed her because he's in love with her, and he gets the blame from the adults. Cloud internalizes this, and its important to imagine what this must be like for a child, to have the adults all tell him it's his fault that the person he loves ended up hurt. "your fault", "your fault". Afterwards Cloud starts thinking Tifa hates him and starts acting out. I think this is a good moment to point out btw that this child has no father figure. This is the start of his feelings of failure and inadequacy, he blames himself for not being able to protect Tifa, failure number 1, he thinks that if he were strong, he'd be able to protect her, he thinks that if he were like Sephiroth, then even Tifa would have to notice him. Now until this time Cloud is not an asshole, he's a bit of a rebellious kid yes, but notice that he's not a bad kid as much as he's a kid who wants to protect someone, has no direction, and is acting out. So Cloud thinks he's not good enough, but he leaves town confident that he'll become good enough, and even makes a promise to Tifa. All this follows logically from what we know about Cloud, and tells us a lot about how deeply seated these feelings are. Becoming Soldier wasn't a small thing, not some small passion project that he just came up with one day, it's the result of the things that happened in his childhood and he left everything behind make it so. He told the girl he loved, he promised, he boasted. And then he failed. Failure number 2. He comes back to Nibleheim and can't bear to look Tifa in the eye and admit that he couldn't do it, that he's a failure. His entire life so far has revolved around this and he wasn't good enough. So here we have Cloud, not in a great mindset, thinking he's a failure, and what happens? His entire town is murdered by the person he admired, someone he worked with. His Mother is killed, and Tifa, the girl he PROMISED to protect, gets slashed open so badly that apparently she needed to have her ribcage reinforced with metal. I think we can all agree that this by itself would be enough to potentially scar a person for life. (Cloud, not Tifa XD) So what's next for the boy who left town in order to become a hero? Well, he gets captured and experimented on for 4 years, during which his mind and sense of identity is bombarded with memories and knowledge of the lifestream in the form of mako, muddying up his thoughts. Cloud already had a weak sense of self as a result of his childhood, it's why he failed to enter Soldier and now this distaste for who he is makes him extra susceptible to Jenovas influence. The next thing Cloud sees, (he didn't consciously experience the 4 years of mind-fuckery) is his best friend getting killed trying to protect him, because Cloud wasn't strong enough. Failure #3. At this point, in Clouds mind the list of people dead because he could not protect them, because he's a failure, include his mother, his entire town, his best friend, and as far as he knows, the girl he loves. This is his life. His mind is broken, he hates himself, he doesn't want to be himself,

he has a mind-altering parasite inside of him trying to adjust his identity and Clouds just goes "I reject this reality and constitute my own". And why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't he want to live in a fantasy world where he wasn't a failure, where he made it into soldier, where he was cool and successful and not a disappointing failure? Zack tells him to be his living legacy and Cloud goes with it, then he runs into Tifa, Jenova adjusts Cloud further based on Tifas memories of them and rejoined with the girl for whom he joined Soldier Cloud is unconsciously all too willing to play the part. FFVII starts and it doesn't take long for the cracks in his fake persona to show, he meets Aerith, and becomes her bodyguard. He gets to be the hero he always wanted to be. But then, even as "Cloud strife, soldier first class", Cloud is still a failure, the plate still drops, killing thousands, he gives Sephiroth the black materia, he beats up Aerith, and ultimately, fails to save her as well. Tifa was the First Failure, and Aerith was the Final Failure. Even as a soldier, Cloud still couldn't save anyone, he loses even more faith in himself, he doesn't know who he is, he doesn't trust himself, and then when he also loses Tifas trust in who he is, he just breaks and gives over to Jenova/Sephiroth. Even Hojo calls him a failure. Cloud feels like a nobody. Now mentally weakened, under the influence of jenova cells, he gives Sephiroth the black materia AGAIN, and meteor is summoned. Another entry on the long list of moments Cloud can look back on in shame later on in life. He falls into the lifestream and again his psyche is under attack. We know what happens afterwards, Tifa finds him, cares for him, and saves him through his feelings for her. Cloud realizes who he is, realizes he's weak, and goes after Sephiroth without lying to himself. In the end he defeats Sephiroth mentally and is supposedly rid of his direct influence.

But that doesn't mean that this mentally 17 year old is now fine, we should remember these events when analyzing ACC. Cloud has been in constant fighting/war/peril ever since he left home as a child, and is now a traumatized 17 year old in a 21 year olds body. Novels and other materials give us an insight into how Cloud thinks during these times, and how he thinks about himself. We hear him say that he's going to live because that's the only way he can atone for his sins. He talks about wanting to change, and about believing he can change because he now has Tifa. He's a man (boy) who just exited war, and wants to be positive, but is still clearly blaming himself. We see that this initially goes well, we are told that Cloud experiences peace and happiness that he's never experienced before. We're also told about the things that make it go badly, when he has to deliver flowers to the ancient city for instance. While Cloud regained the sense of who he was the belief that he wasn't good enough, that he was a failure, was never solved, if anything it was put on hold until he got his memories back, and now he is forced to deal with it.

While he is no longer directly manipulated by Sephiroth he's still suffering from PTSD and, most notably, survivors guilt. He blames himself for the deaths of Zack and Aerith in particular, and starts visiting the church. Now most people might think it's natural to avoid places that make you feel bad about yourself, but that's not how a depressed person thinks, Cloud thinks he deserves to feel badly he WANTS to punish himself, he WANTS to feel bad. He's ashamed of the moments where he's carefree and laughing with Tifa. Why should he get to be happy when Aerith and Zack are dead because of him? He shouldn't be happy, he should be in pain, he should remember them, not doing so would be an insult to their memories, he must never forget how he failed them! That's how Cloud is thinking. We know of course that this is non-sense, Aerith and Zack wouldn't want this, if anything it's this mindset that is tarnishing the memories of Aerith and Zack, but that's not how a mentally unwell person thinks. Cloud wants to atone, and thinks he finds salvation in Denzel, whom he finds at Aeriths church. He thinks that by saving this life, he can, in some way, make up for all the death he caused. Tifa has a similar belief when she finds out Denzels parents died in the plate crash. And when Denzel joins the family, and Cloud has path towards redemption in his mind, things start getting better again. Because this is the cause of the problems Cloud is having in ACC. When Nojima says:

first off, there’s the premise that things won’t go well between Tifa and Cloud, and that even without Geostigma or Sephiroth this might be the same

This is the conflict he's talking about, he's not saying "Tifa and Cloud are incompatible, it has nothing to do with Sephiroth", he's saying "if Sephiroth didn't show up during Advent children, Cloud and Tifa would still be having problems because Cloud is going through survivors guilt."

But the good times don't last, Denzel has Geostigma and Cloud cannot find a cure, Denzel....is going to die. Cloud, has failed again. Not only that, but Cloud catches Geostigma....Cloud is going to die. And THIS is why Cloud leaves in Advent children. And you have to look at this as Cloud. Cloud said he was going to live to atone for his sins, but instead he's going to die. He won't atone for his sins, even worse, he's going to leave Tifa and Marlene behind. He failed again. He couldn't protect Denzel, he potentially brought an infectious disease into their house as well. Literally all Cloud can think about is that literally everything he's ever tried has ended in failure, everyone he's ever tried to protect, he's failed at. Do you understand how easy it would be for a person like this to fall into the trap of thinking "I deserve to die", "I don't want Tifa and Marlene to see me die", "Tifa and Marlene are better off without me anyway", "they'd be happier if I weren't here". Etc. Now we know this is nonsense, but come on, how many instances have you heard of depressed people genuinely believing that their loved ones would be happier and better off if they just didn't exist? However, throughout the movie, Zack, Tifa, and Aerith, all confront Cloud, and urge him to not give up. Cloud eventually does try again, and ultimately finds redemption not by being stuck in the past, but by letting the past rest and be beautiful (a lesson Cleriths unfortunately never learned). "I never blamed you you know, not once" "I want to be forgiven. By who?" "Isn't it about time you did the forgiving?" In the end, Cloud moves on, and therefore, so do Zack and Aerith. Aerith and Zack walk into the light, Cloud plants flowers on Zacks grave, and lets Zacks buster sword rest in Aeriths church, now no longer rusting, but shining. Instead of the past being a negative reminder, Cloud lets the past be beautiful. Cloud was doing Aerith and Zack a disservice by remembering them the way he did, because it was ruining his life, it wasn't a good thing, but it did come from a good place, from a good man whose ashamed of not being good enough. Yes, it harmed Tifa, people going through these things often do hurt those around them, but it's not because they're bad people, or even weak, but because people are imperfect and Cloud has gone through hell, both internally, and externally. Are his actions really that weird or deplorable? "He didn't even go save the kids!" Yes, he's hesitant about saving the kids, why shouldn't he be? Everyone Cloud tried to protect or save, ended up maimed or worse, or as Cloud puts it: "I can't even save myself". "He left Tifa alone!" Yes, he thinks he's going to waste away and die, can you blame him for not wanting to put Tifa through that and for thinking she'd be better off without him? "He drinks!" Wouldn't you?! Who wouldn't want to forget that stuff? But in the end, He's only gone for about a week, he never intended to harm Tifa, he never physically harmed Tifa or cheated on her, his entire life revolved around wanting to be better for Tifa and blaming himself when he wasn't good enough, how is it reasonable to say this man takes Tifa for granted when the fact that he thinks he has to BE BETTER in order to be worthy of being with her has been a constant throughout his entire life and story? He DOESN'T take Tifa for granted, that's why he's beating himself up, that's why he leaves, not because he thinks he's better than her, or that he'll always have her, or that she'll follow him like a dog, or something like that. But because of the opposite, because he thinks HE is not good enough, that SHE would be better of without him. Saying Cloud takes Tifa for granted, is honestly, simply, wrong. It's 180 degrees the opposite of what is happening in FFVII, the biggest constant in Clouds life, is that he doesn't take Tifa for granted, and I don't understand how anyone could argue otherwise.

[softinkshadows]

Shingeki no Kyojin Astrology: sun-moon-rising combinations

I was looking around tumblr for detailed astrology speculations of my fave anime characters, but there aren't that many! Being q well-versed in astro myself, i thought why not do my own version (very spoiler-free, don’t worry)! I followed the birth dates given by isayama:

Eren Jaeger - Aries sun, Scorpio moon, Cancer rising Aside from the fact that he can be hotheaded and impulsive, Eren's feelings of vengeance run deep and explosive. Remember that time he was chained to the bed after the attack on trost, and his eyes were wild with the need to violently eradicate all titans? He's so tenacious and emotionally stubborn too (a Scorp moon trait) to the point of being closed off from everyone else, especially towards the end where he seems to take the weight of the world's burden on his own shoulders. And all for the sake of protecting his community and ensuring the safety of his friends for the rest of their lives. His comrades and family are his motivation. This is his Cancer rising steering his life.

Mikasa Ackerman - Aries sun, Aquarius moon, Aries rising "Look that moody brat is running off on her own again." Mikasa is similar to Eren in her impulsiveness and determination, but different in two ways- what they aim to protect and their extent of fearlessness. Eren is aware of his own weaknesses and helplessness, but Mikasa's amazing physical prowess makes her act without any hesitation at all. She's hella fierce and driven to keep herself in shape too, doing all those sit-ups and chopping firewood post-injury. I think she deserves a double Aries! An Aries rising means a Libra descendant too, which is reflected her whole-hearted devotion in her close partnerships (Eren and Armin). Her aquarius moon really shines thru with her stoic independence, focus and perseverance.

Armin Arlet - Scorpio sun, Virgo moon, Pisces rising He's the brain of the 104th cadet corps, and is second to Erwin in terms of strategy! An intelligent planner with low self-esteem often found second guessing his own analytical abilities, Armin is a true blue Virgo moon. His emotional self stands out the most from the main three protagonists - Eren & Mikasa mostly express anger and desperation, whereas Armin is usually shrouded in fear and worry. He's a very soft bb, hence the Pisces rising, not to mention he gets so dreamy imagining the sea, the vast plains, and the magical world beyond the walled universe he knows. A spiritually-attuned and curious explorer :")

Levi Ackerman - Capricorn sun, Scorpio moon, Virgo rising Levi is such a complex person, thanks to Isayama's brilliance. Like many Cap suns, Levi is authoritative, cold and incredibly savage. That's not to say he doesn't feel anything either. Levi is an evolved Scorp moon (maybe even moon in 11th house) because his feelings are never for himself, but he hurts so much for others - you can tell every death hits him so hard, but he doesn't show this to anyone else. He also exudes this quietly intimidating aura of natural competence, a common characteristic of this sun-moon combo. He can take things personally as well (re: height issues) but it never snowballs into more than passing irritation. The turbulence of his emotions and habit for violence is balanced out by his earthy Virgo rising, which is emotionally subdued, quite thin and delicate in physique, and super neurotic and nitpicky when it comes to cleanliness and health. Cap, Virgo and Scorp are some of the most guarded signs, and a combi of all 3 are hellish. You can tell this poor beautiful man is always caught between feeling and thinking, between maintaining his humanity and forsaking it.

Erwin Smith - Libra sun, Capricorn moon, Leo rising In another life, Erwin Smith would be the damn CEO of a global conglomerate because he oozes so much charisma. Hell if charisma were energy Erwin Smith would be its prime, eternally renewable source. His stature alone is so commanding, and I find some strong Leonine traits in his thickset physique, strong eyebrows, beautiful hair, and that way he shouted in full glory atop wall Rose in that one episode to the cheering masses below. He might be a Libra sun, diplomatic in political affairs, but his Capricorn moon is what drives his decisions. Cap moon has a rep for being cold and unemotional, but i believe they are way more than that! Cap moons rarely boast about their long list of achievements, instead looking forward to the next goal. They struggle with emotional expression, and are super driven and disciplined. Erwin is capable of making the hardest decisions, putting aside emotions to strive for an abstract ideal, and this is to be expected of the commander who takes on the role of the devil.

Hange Zoe - Virgo sun, Sagittarius moon, Gemini rising All hail our favourite mad scientist!! Hange is such a breath of fresh air in the Survey Corps, balancing out the heaviness of missions with their wacky tales of titan research and experimentation. Their penchant for study and higher knowledge is typical of a Sagittarius moon, who is drawn to advanced academic study and spiritual truths. It's also a lighthearted and optimistic sign, true to Hange's upbeat personality. The Virgo in them contributes to their sheer intelligence and obsessiveness with research subjects. We also know they LOVE to talk, and once Eren asks Hange about experiments, they cannot stop (Gemini governs communication). Virgo, Sag and Gemini are the most intellectual signs, and because they are mutuable Hange tends to follow orders rather than give them, making it difficult to adapt to their new role towards the end of the series. Mutable signs also means rapidly-changing emotional states, and a whole lot of chaos, which suits our beloved squad leader.

Jean Kirstein - Aries sun, Virgo moon, Taurus rising Our third Aries on the list ohmygod. The snk universe is full of feisty hotheads. Jean is always seen clashing with Eren, fuelled by Eren's closeness with Mikasa and his own adorable jealousy. I mean, they had a full on fist fight right after dinner in the mess hall, although everything went downhill after the first few punches. Our first impression of Jean during his cadet days is coloured by his desire to work in the interior, and this favour for material safety and wealth is perhaps common to a Taurus rising. Also, Taurus is ruled by Venus, planet of beauty and harmony, and thus often figures in the charts of artists. If you've seen Jean's drawing skills in that special episode, you'll know that his artistic abilities are the finest we have seen, exceeding even that of isayama himself. Jean's strong principles such as being averse to killing people and oftentimes cynical nature, is also characteristic of the moral and cautious Virgo moon.

Sasha Braus - Leo sun, Gemini moon, Taurus rising Not all Leos are showmans. Sasha is the type of Leo who displays more of the quirky, unabrashed personality suited to her opposite sister sign Aquarius. Authority doesn't exist when food comes into play, as we see when she breaks potato with Shadis and later steals a slab of meat from the officer's warehouse. Unlike the visual artistry that Jean possesses with his Taurus rising, Sasha's Taurus centers around her love for food, and hell she can have fiery determination for it (rmb the wild night she mistook Jean's hand for meat?). I love that both of them were pitted with each other in that cooking special episode. I considered placing her as a Taurus moon, but Taurus moons are usually steadier and classier in emotion, whereas Sasha is often breezy, gets nervous and chaotic, with stellar intuition, making her likely a Gemini moon.

Connie Springer - Taurus sun, Cancer moon, Gemini rising Although not much attention is paid to Connie's growth, his character development reminds me a lot of Aang from ATLA. Cheery and happy-go-lucky at first, before the incident with his mother made him more prone to feelings of anger and vengeance, especially near the later chapters. His strong protective bond with his mother is what compels me to say he is a Cancer moon, which is a moon sign that is very homebody and drawn to family and traditions. His goofy self and him referring to Sasha as "his twin" puts him as the spunky Gemini rising, another sign he shares with her.

Reiner Braun - Leo sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn rising Aside from his natural leader personality (Leonine), Reiner likes to take on the persona of the big brother of the group. His outward stoicism, decisiveness and task-oriented nature is typical of a Cap rising, who is often serious and solemn in appearance. He reminds me of that Cap rising workaholic who does his best in a corporate organization, working 9 to 5 plus overtime as it fulfills his sense of purpose. Beyond his stoic facade reveals a more troubled personality. Like a Pisces moon, Reiner is impressionable, and it's difficult to tell if his emotions and personalities are his own, wavering and absorbing traits from those around him. His internal war with his identity and the ensuing fatigue characterises him during the second half of the series.

Annie Leonhart - Aries sun, Aquarius moon, Virgo rising Annie is the kind of Aries that is so motivated to achieve her goals that everything else is sidelined, including her own emotions. She's quite ruthless in chasing her objectives, and her composure, focus and endurance is highlighted with an Aquarius moon. I'm guessing she has a 4th house influence somewhere because of her motivations to go home to her father and lead a normal life. I find the daintiness and delicateness of her features similar to Levi, who is also a Virgo rising. The Virgo effect also registers as a brutal, unfiltered honesty (also seen in Levi), and Annie doesn't hesitate to speak the truth about her own or her opponent's capabilities.

Other characters which I won't go into much detail about:

Bertholdt Hoover - Capricorn sun, Virgo moon, Pisces rising Bertholdt is quiet with an unobtrusive personality. His lack of supposed iniative and aggression can perhaps be attributed to the mutuability of Virgo and Pisces, which goes with the flow instead of charging forward. He keeps his feelings to himself, but reacts when the people he wants to protect are threatened.

Historia Reiss - Capricorn sun, Libra moon, Cancer rising Historia initially lives for the sake of others (esp Ymir), and is more co-dependent than many of her other squadmates. She also tends to put up a front of pleasantness, afraid of disappointing or offending people. She has a strong tie to family, and a profound sense of duty.

Ymir - Aquarius sun, Pisces moon, Aries rising Ymir is extremely astute when it comes to evaluating human behaviour. The religiosity of her background is also usually found in this sun-moon combination, which tends to attract paths of strong spirituality. She also has a bold and noble sacrificial streak for the sake of her companions.

Zeke Jaeger - Leo sun, Capricorn moon, Scorpio rising A headstrong, intelligent and radical character. In a way similar to Erwin in his ruthlessness, but emotionally darker and much more sinisterly private.

Kenny Ackerman - Aquarius sun, Sagittarius moon

Rod Reiss - Virgo sun, Libra moon

Dot Pixis - Virgo sun, Sagittarius moon

Hannes - Capricorn sun, Taurus moon

[nanowrimo]

5 Tips for Finishing Your Novel

April’s session of Camp NaNoWriMo is drawing to a close, and you might find yourself nearing the end of your novel. If you need some tips on writing and polishing the ending of your story, author Derek Murphy is here to share a few! Plus, you can check out the rest of our novel-finishing resources on our #NaNoFinMo page. 

You won NaNoWriMo and have a 50k collection of scenes and sentences, but how do you clean it up and get it done? How do you make sure it’s finished, satisfying and enjoyable? Here are 5 powerful strategies for finishing your novel and some helpful writing tips that will push you past the finish line.

1. Give it a satisfying resolution.

In order to have a powerful story, your book should probably focus on a main character’s change or transformation. There’s an inner war, a.k.a. the character’s emotional healing, and an outer war: the conflict that forced the reckoning. If it’s a purely symbolic internal realization, you can mirror that with actual conflict in the real scene: the breaking of a dish, a fit of rage, a sudden ray of sunlight (or a storm… this should not be pleasant; It’s a breaking point and spiritual death/rebirth).

You can clarify the moment of change by setting up an illustrative contrast, a before and after, that shows how those internal changes have resulted in real-world consequences or benefits. Each character’s unique challenge will match their personal weakness or fear. The price for victory is the one thing they have so far refused to do, or something they cannot give up or bear to lose.

Make sure your protagonist has gone through a transformative struggle to arrive at deep insights, knowledge or awareness. Find a way to deepen the incidental scenes so that they become instrumental to a deeper purpose, leading towards an identity-shifting event.

The plot is what happens, and it’s important. But you can make it more dramatic and meaningful by making sure you demonstrate how hard it was and what it cost. It matters, it is remarkable, because it forced your protagonist to change.

Your conclusion might include:

Physical tension as allies perform a tug-of-war battle against resistance, that shows how difficult this struggle is, and how much force is required.

The consideration phase, as characters are tempted last minute or the price for victory is revealed: the sweet memories that give them awareness that this fight is worth the cost or risk (you need to show them making the choice, knowing what they will lose).

The final flashback, as the full backstory is revealed so we can see exactly why this conflict is so difficult or meaningful for the main character.

2. Add (unresolved) conflict.

Your story is made up of the events and scenes, where something happens. Each new event will push the characters further into the plot. Slow scenes where nothing is really happening can be red flags, so the first thing to focus on is increasing conflict, drama, suspense and intrigue. This is what creates urgency. The full reveal, demonstrating why THIS challenge is so difficult and powerful, should happen just before the final battle or resolution.

You want to make sure every scene, especially in your conclusion, has enough conflict. I recommend these three:

Outer Conflict (threats): Challenges or obstacles that prevent the character from achieving goals.

Inner Conflict (doubts): Moral struggles, decisions, guilt or shame, anger.

Friendly Fire (betrayal): Strong disagreements between allies or supporting characters. 

You want to extend and deepen the potential conflict, without resolving it too easily. The biggest destroyer of conflict is conversation: when your characters just sit around and talk to each other. Most conflict involves a lack of information, and a desire for clarity. A lot of conflict is perceived or imagined.

The most important information needs to come last, and come at a great price. The information that has an emotional impact, and influences their actions and decisions, should be big reveals at dramatic peaks. A surprise or twist should be treated as an event: each scene is leading towards a change or new piece of information that provokes the protagonist to respond.

3. Fill plot holes with character motivation.

After you’ve made sure that “what actually happens” is intriguing (opening questions and raising tensions without resolving them) you can focus on making sure the plot holes are filled, and characters are properly motivated – these two things are usually adjacent.

You can find and fill plot holes by asking:

Why are the characters doing this?

Why does any of it matter?

Basically, readers need to respect the main characters enough to care what happens to them, so their choices and actions need to make sense within the given information. If there’s a simpler, easier solution, readers will get stuck up on “why didn’t they just…”? To fix plot holes and gaps in logic or continuity, or make the story go where you need it to, you can add urgency, fix the mood of the scene (bigger stakes require bigger justifications), show characters in a weakened mental state, or raise concerns but have them dismissed, with an excuse or justification.

You need rational characters to make plausible choices that lead to dire consequences. You need show why they don’t do something easier, or nothing at all, or why they face clear challenges, despite potential obstacles.

They’ll also require a deeper motivation, for why they’re willing to put themselves in identity-destroying conflict, rather than just giving up or running away. Why do they stay in THIS fight, when they’ve run from similar ones? If they weren’t ready at the beginning, why are the ready now – what changed in them, as a result of your story’s journey?

Your protagonist needs to have a strong, consistent internal compass, and it needs to be revealed through incidents that establish their character. This is who they are. Without this reliable core identity, we won’t be able to tell a story that forces them to change. 

4. Let readers picture your story with detailed description.

In the final stages of revision, you can begin improving the description with specific details.

It’s smart to start – or end – a chapter with a vivid, immediate scene. You want to leave readers with an image they can see in their minds, hopefully connected to the feeling you aim to evoke. You can close a chapter with a reference back to a motif or image, with a deeper or more reflective context; applying meaning to the metaphor. This will help readers feel engaged, be moved, and leave a lasting impact.

Vivid scenes are mostly a matter of detailed description, so add the specifics about the story environment. Be precise, not vague. Instead of “she put a plate of tea and snacks on the table” you can write “she gently placed an antique porcelain teapot on the table. I could smell it was Earl Grey from the scent of bergamot. The half-sleeve of Oreos and can of onion-flavored Pringles seemed incongruous with the fancy dishes, but I knew she was making an effort to welcome me.”

Focus on the sensations and feelings; but also zero-in on any potential sources of conflict or internal emotions or states of mind. In my example above, the host might be nervous or ashamed of her spread; or perhaps she has a degenerative brain disease and doesn’t notice the incongruity. Tensions are unspoken, potential sources of negative feelings. They hover in the background of your description.

Readers will remember the pictures you put in their heads, not the words on the page.

Description should serve and be bound to the story, not distract from it.

It should be squeezed into and around the scene action, when the protagonist is using or exploring.

Show what’s different, not what’s the same.

Leave space for readers to fill in the gaps, but get them started in the right direction so they aren’t surprised later.

Sidenote: be careful about your metaphors, analogies and similes. Each one will put a picture into readers’ minds, and it can quickly get overcrowded with imagery. You’re asking them to ignore your real scene and think of something else. Use them to confirm and amplify the scene you have, and limit distractions.

5. Prepare to publish.

Typos are bad, but perfectionism will ruin you. This section is about editing and proofreading, but I don’t have time for all that, and you don’t either. The real problem with a story is rarely the number of typos. A very clean book isn’t better if people stop reading.

You can solve a lot of common writing problems, with my big list of 25 common writing mistakes, and self-edit your manuscript to make it as good as possible. After that, a copyeditor or proofreader isn’t always the best investment (and it can also be the biggest publishing cost).

Instead, use an editing software (I like Grammarly) to root out obvious mistakes, but don’t dwell on the small stuff like perfecting every word or rearranging the commas. Spending a very long time wrestling a poorly-written manuscript in shape is less effective than getting something (actually) done to the point where you’re comfortable sharing it.

This may be difficult at first, but you can’t learn and improve without genuine reader feedback (from people who aren’t your mom or best friend; nor the short-sighted opinions of a self-proclaimed literature enthusiast). You need to find readers who enjoy your particular genre, and the sooner you find them, the more valuable feedback you can get.

Shorten the feedback loop: Get over the fear and focus on learning by getting feedback early and often. However, this doesn’t just mean joining a writer’s club: writers are brutal and might focus on trivial things. The safest bet is to make it public, on Wattpad at least. Or get a cheap cover and throw it up on Kindle, Draft2Digital or even your own blog.

Making it public is scary and vulnerable, but it’s better than letting the fear of messing up keep you from the brutal, necessary experience of allowing readers to tell you what they liked and disliked about your writing. Will some people be critical? Yes! But guess what, you’ll get negative reviews even if you’re a brilliant, famous writer. Those are inevitable. And the first negative reviews may teach you more about writing than 10 years attempting to self-edit, afraid of putting your book out into the world.

PS. You can use resources, like my 24-chapter plot outline, as a way to spot story gaps in your manuscript and improve the structure (especially if your book suffers from a “soggy middle.)

Derek Murphy has a PhD in Literature, writes urban fantasy and is the founder of the alliance of young adult authors. More recently, he’s started sharing writing tips on http://www.writethemagic.com

Top photo by Adegbenro Emmanuel Dipo on Unsplash.

[astrolology]

The Love-Hate Relationship with Stelliums (Pt. 1) ✨

Guysss pls remember that astrology is holistic and this should be read taking into account your overall chart placements, as well as the planets in your stellium and what sign rules your stellium. TAKE NOTE lol

1st house

❤️: You may be a person who is very driven towards a particular goal, single-minded in behavior and with a sense of determination that is hard to beat. The focus is on self-improvement and is rather internally driven - there can be large amounts of time focused on figuring one’s identity out. You’re not afraid to say things as they are - you’re able to dish out criticism hard but you give credit when its due. You extend the courtesy you receive to others. You may have an innate sense of wisdom that you keep deep within that you don’t let slip unless to extremely close ones but in times of hardship you are a good source of motivation. You always seek to improve yourself and it’s hard (if not impossible) to drag you down because of your strong personality and how you tend to always move on no matter what. I think 1st house stelliums are the embodiment of “don’t look back” and y’all always try to make the best out of every best situation, sort of like seeing the silver lining in everything. And also when crises emerge you’re able to keep a calm head on your shoulders and are good at making snap decisions, which makes you good on your feet!

👹: I don’t think y’all are as self-absorbed as ppl make you out to be but there’s definitely an element of self-centredness such that when you do something, you often consider what is most convenient or productive for you. You might get upset when your plans are disrupted but sometimes do the same to others even though you might be aware of what you’re doing - in that aspect, 1st house stelliums can be hypocritical. For you, there is never enough - you’re never satisfied with anything, be it yourself or for other things so you can seem really unappreciative. Keep in mind that you also tend to force others to agree with you and don’t be so quick to dismiss the other party’s POV no matter how dumb it seems. Remember that there’s always something to learn from other people, no matter their status. You need to work on expressing your appreciation to others in a more genuine manner (altho I know y’all do it in gruff, slightly awkward ways when sincere - kinda cute ngl).

2nd house

❤️: You may be a person who has a strong moral code and has a staunch value system that you won’t deviate from no matter what. Sense of loyalty is usually unbreakable and it can take a lot to truly anger you. You can have a good financial sense and good instincts/foresight that allow you to plan ahead for stability’s sake. More often than not in certain areas you are a master of categorising and structuring things which means that your mind is analytical, critical and (usually) organised. You hate it when people think they know you because you (understandably) know yourself the best - there are many privatised layers of yourself that you prefer to keep... private so yeah it just annoys you when that happens. Y’all are a leader in certain aspects of your life and even though 2nd house stelliums tend to prefer being the right-hand man, your control freak tendencies come out and you end up leading anyway. You become really productive because of the fear of failure - you have crazy high expectations for yourself and expect the same of your closed ones (although ultimately you’ll support them in whatever they do). There is an appreciation for the finer things in life and when it comes to your loved ones you’re not afraid to spoil them hard. 

👹: Be careful not to let this driving need for stability restrict you from spontaneity and following your heart’s desire. There is an inherent inflexibility in your nature; stubbornness can really be your kryptonite. You don’t really take any opportunities that you think might threaten your security which, while giving you a stable fort, can hold you back in your own happiness + prosperity. You might realise that there is a limit to your perspective but really struggle in seeing outside of that perspective mainly because you spend so much time thinking about what matters to you that you’ve become accustomed to your train of thought (altho when you do break it it’s lowkey groundbreaking). The focus on this house is on stability, not only on material wealth, so while you may be reaping in one aspect you might tend to lack on the spiritual or emotional elements of life. You can be very, very controlling and demanding so you might want to tone it down a little if not people might get the wrong impression. People might think of you as judgemental (and you are tbh) but I believe it’s just 2nd house stellium’s way of assessing a person’s character/abilities. 

3rd house

❤️: You may be a person who puts in a lot of effort into various forms of self-expression (not limited to verbal communication but also finding a specific niche such as music, art, writing etc.) Your brain is naturally sharp and inquisitive and you may be able to pick things up very quickly. You might be rather adaptable but are surprisingly stubborn when it comes to your opinion or intellectual capabilities. You might have a dark/dirty sense of humor and because of that you also have a keen ability to see past the societal nuances of propriety and get to the heart/root of whatever a person is saying. You can spend your entire life trying to understand people and why things work the way they work - your brain needs to be stimulated in order for you to feel alive. Passion for you has to be applied in a productive manner - you probably aren’t a person to just take a passion for something as a mere hobby. Rather, you would either apply that passion to one of your existing projects, create a new one or use it as a motivating factor. Your interests are wide and varied, which makes you really well-rounded in certain aspects! 

👹: Many people say y’all are flighty beings and I can certainly see why they would think so. Because of your perceptiveness, you tend to change your narrative whenever you’re speaking to different people, so as to make yourself sound more convincing. In that aspect, you can be quite manipulative. Your ego probably isn’t the smallest either haha - you can tolerate being slighted at some things but if it’s a challenge to one of your passion projects you’ll probably become very upset. You need to stop giving people the hot and cold shoulder all the time and even though you’re quite sociable you tend to flaunt but hide your true thoughts. You have to be more open and honest in your self-expression, and not that idealised, constructed version of yourself you think people will find interesting. I’ve noticed that 3rd house stellium ppl have an obsessive need to “stand out” and make themselves feel unique which, despite all your charms and popularity, might be the reason why you find yourself sometimes so isolated. You’re a perfectionist (although you would deny it) and secretly quite controlling but unlike other stelliums you can manage it better I feel. 

4th house

❤️: There is a pressing insistence regarding relationships in your inner circle - be it your family, closest friends, or your future family. Extended focus on your cultural heritage can also be possible. Deep down, compassion is at your core and you are very protective of your friends in a silent but aggressive way. Having a stable family life is very important to you but I’ve noticed that more often than not, 4th house stelliums have turbulent family relationships. The beauty of 4th house stelliums is their ability to break through whatever toxic relationships they’ve been in and to create families of their own - be it unconventional or not. They are the epitome of “we choose our own families”. Y’all can be very empathetic and rather selfless to the point where you allow yourself to be manipulated (even though you’re aware of it) - but it’s usually for a justifiable reason. You find it easier than most to balance the emotional landscape but there are moments where you need an outlet to express yourself. There can be an obsession/possessiveness over your own culture - you take pride in your roots and become lowkey insulted when people disrespect it (and if you don’t, you somehow nearly always manage to find some other culture to assimilate yourself in). 

👹: Y’all probably get very upset when things don’t go your way but the problem with this stellium is that there is a want to speak out but you choose to bury everything inside instead - giving you a very passive-aggressive and even aloof image. Internally, you guys might think that you are giving off a very soft/giving aura but some people are wary precisely because you are hard to read. You are very, intensely private (rivalling 2nd/7th house tbh) and you have to learn how to share your true thoughts, no bullshit, no suger-coated thoughts with your family and dearest friends even though you are capable of handling yourself. You are independent, ambitious, and people often underestimate you, but you have to let people in first in order for them to know what you’re capable of! Also, idealisation of certain things (eg. a future family life/partner) can be prevalent and you overthink things to the point where sometimes you make yourself miserable. Again, please talk to someone hahaha you don’t have to deal with everything yourself. 

5th house

❤️:  Insecurity runs rampant in any 5th house stellium BUT y’all are quite paradoxical in a sense that you also have a very strong aura of confidence. Sometimes, in crucial moments, you manage to convince yourself and others that you are the most important person in the room haha - literally the epitome of “fake it till you make it”. Still, a deeply rooted kindness is found in 5th house stelliums such that you’re always looking out for the underdog in the room. If you are developed you probably have a strong sense of righteousness which prompts you to look out for people who might be struggling. Y’all are very concerned about your physical appearance and most of the time you like to keep your body in good shape, which draws the attention of people in the room. You likely have an infectious smile (this is just a hunch but I don’t believe 5th house stelliums smile a lot - y’all quirk your lips or smirk but a true smile is rare so when you do... it melts the hearts of people). Everything that you do will have a youthful flavor and you have a healthy appreciation for downtime/self-care so while you might not (contrary to popular belief) be that fond of kids, kids are attracted to you. Oh and actually I think the stronger this stellium is in a person, the shyer the person seems at first impression but inwardly and as time goes by, they become more humorous and dramatic. 

👹: You aren’t exactly manipulative, but you know how to use the power of suggestion (and your charms) to get what you want. If unchecked, it’ll become a habit because to you, it’s an instinctive thing to do and you might not realise you’re hurting other people because of it. You are stubborn and prideful (which isn’t a bad thing sometimes but) you take criticism quite badly such that if a person tries to offer their opinion or goes against your beliefs, you might take it as a personal attack. You have a fear of being restrained/constricted (like 9th house) so you’re actually quite aggressive to those who you perceive to be a threat to your authority. You can also experience extreme mood swings (from crazy happy/hyper to melancholic in a snap) and when you do you expect people to give you attention. But you are hypocritical in this aspect because you yourself can be quite insensitive to other people’s feelings, or you brush them off if you’re not “in the mood”. 

6th house

❤️: You are most probably quite an organised person, not in a tidy way (although you could be) but in matters of life there’s an insistence on order and structure. The way you think can be very logical - you are able to think concisely and connect the dots in a quick manner and logic is probably prevalent in everything you do. However, in contrast to this pragmatic behavior, you are deeply caring and you won’t think twice to give up something if a loved one needs it. You are very disciplined in certain aspects of life and you are able to maintain a consistent effort in everything that you do. You’re probably someone who finds joy in small things and although you have high standards, it doesn’t take much to make you happy, as long as it’s genuine. You can be a perfectionist and really quite meticulous in your work which makes you someone who is detail-orientated. You give a lot of yourself to other people and most of the time you don’t expect anything in return, which is one of the great things about 6th house stelliums. You take effort into maintaining your physical health and you mighttt be a fitness freak or someone who keeps track of their diet really carefully. It’s likely that you encourage other people to follow your lifestyle and generally, you exert a sort of mellow influence around other people that makes them want to be better. 

👹: There’s a tendency for 6th house stelliums to fall into pessimism, precisely because of your pragmatic nature. Y’all may say that you’re being “realistic” but in actuality it does dampen the spirits of some people. You can also become really unreasonable and inflexible once you’ve made up your mind on something and that makes you a bit narrow minded because you simply refuse to listen to other people’s POV. This can also cause tunnel vision which can really limit your full potential and I think it’s something worth spending your time working on. When pushed into a corner or feeling insecure, y’all might try to cover it up by being condescending or giving the cold shoulder. There’s also a risk of being overly reliant on a schedule/structure and hence, cautiousness when it comes to being spontaneous or embracing something foreign. Because of your affinity towards maintaining health, your hypochondriac tendencies may be exacerbated and you need to try to lessen your over-worrying behaviour haha. Although you never dish out something you can’t receive (eg. high expectations - you’re truly your worst critic), your demanding tone can really make others cautious of you.

OVERALL, I strongly believe that the way to embrace your stelliums isn’t to reject or force yourself to change the values they represent, but rather taking those eccentricities and moulding it into something more precious and beneficial to yourself. It has to be done with a thorough understanding of yourself; with patience. 

-C

[yukisohmasmokesweed]

I recently watched 1x10 for the pod and realized just how much of a peek-behind-the-curtain episode this is for Shigure. The episode does a great job breaking down Shigure’s motivations, agenda, and objective as well as exploring some of his morality and self-perception in a really subtle and nuanced way. I wanted to break down what exactly was said in the episode and what the subtext is showing us about who Shigure is and what he wants: an obsessive man who puts his selfish desires first, always, all while trapping himself deeply within the very curse that he is trying to break.

Motivation: The Dream

Each zodiac’s curse manifests in different ways. For example, Yuki experiences the curse through the lens of social isolation and self-blame, Kyo through familial rejection and projected blame, Hatori through resignation and grief, Ritsu through extreme guilt, etc. Shigure’s manifests as obsession.

This dream was something special to all of them, but it soured over time. The anime implies for Hatori that it was because of Kana,

but I believe that was the last straw in a haystack of crushing oppression for Hatori (see: having the ability to erase memories and being expected to carry out the task no matter who it hurts by the family as a whole, Akito, and his father, who also had this power). As for Ayame, he does not fit in with the Sohma’s traditionalism and conservatism and he never attempted to do so, and as an adult he has done everything he can to divorce himself from the Sohma image—going into a non-traditional and arguably taboo field of work, moving away from the estate, and keeping secrets from the family, even his own brother. Kureno is a special case and Ritsu was too young to remember this. For Shigure though, he became obsessed with this feeling, and because he didn’t have the bad experiences Hatori had growing up or chafe too hard against the family culture like Ayame, it became a life-long obsession that, over time, shifted from chasing that “feeling” to chasing Akito as an individual.

A note about the Dog: The Year of the Dog’s defining trait is loyalty, but they are also notably stubborn. This doesn’t speak to the authorial intent (Takaya added the zodiac aspect to the story late in the game, after their characters was set), but I also think that Shigure being the Dog is a great indicator as to why, out of everyone, Shigure’s curse manifests as obsession, and why he’s in love with Akito despite Akito’s treatment of him, the other zodiacs, and other people as a whole.

Agenda: Emotional manipulation

Shigure believes that the curse has weakened over time. The dragon was apparently not always a seahorse, which implies that the magic is weakening, and this is the first time in a long time where all of the zodiacs have been alive at the same time. Due to this as well as their closeness in age and the agitation present between Akito and the zodiacs, Shigure thinks that this is the curse’s last hurrah before breaking.

Shigure wants to speed up the process by exacerbating what he believes to be an already unraveling curse by turning the zodiacs against Akito, showing them that their lives have meaning and potential outside of the curse, and influencing them to start questioning the narrative around the curse as a whole as well as the ones around each of their individual zodiacs.

The curse’s most obvious effect is the physical one, but the emotional component is arguably much more significant. This is why Shigure is agitating the zodiac’s emotions. He often says things he knows will hurt them, but instead of hurling insults like Akito, what he says challenges the zodiac’s beliefs about themselves, one another, the curse, and Sohma family as a whole. He is aiming for their internal lives and beliefs in a way that makes his meddling seem almost invisible; he manipulates through influence instead of force, orchestrating it so that the zodiacs feel as if they have come to a new conclusion on their own. Here is how 1x10 shows us that tactic:

Shigure is trying to push Kyo into realizing that his feelings for Yuki are more influenced by the Sohmas than he thinks they are (implication of the word “duty,” that it’s not something Kyo chose for himself), and that if he takes a step back from the situation that he might see that him and Yuki have more in common than he thinks (”afraid of getting to know him”).

However, this doesn’t work, and it’s directly because Shigure has known who he is and what he wants since childhood. He has never had to struggle with his own personhood, identity, isolation, and blame the way that Kyo has—not to say that he hasn’t at all, but not to the extent of the Cat. Shigure logically knows why Kyo hates Yuki, but he can’t put himself in Kyo’s shoes because their experience with the curse are too different; Shigure fully embraced the curse, falling into obsession over it and making the choice to permanently attach himself to Akito, and that decision is rewarded for the most part. Kyo, on the other hand, has spent his entire life being rejected and ostracized by his family as well as being scapegoated for things he had no control over. Kyo’s issues with blame and isolation are not something that Shigure can empathize with, leading him to get frustrated with Kyo’s stubbornness and pushing Kyo too hard before he’s ready. All in all it’s not bad advice, but Kyo’s issues run extremely deep, and Shigure got impatient. This scene is Shigure messing up, indelicately going to the heart of the matter because his timeline of events is moving slower than he bargained for, and he accidentally shows his hand because of it.

Objective: Akito

Shigure’s objective is to be on equal terms with Akito and pursue a real relationship with them. The only way to do this is to break the curse, freeing Shigure from Akito’s power and taking Akito’s command over him away, as well as undermining the importance of the other zodiacs in Akito’s life. 

The anime does a nice job portraying this to us subtextually by visually juxtaposing the relationships that are the main focus of this episode:

Tohru lowers herself to meet Kyo where he is, whereas Shigure positions himself physically above Akito. The former is a relationship built on equality and mutual trust, the latter one on an inherent and unavoidable power imbalance, resulting in jealousy, toxicity, and a constant struggle for power.

At first glance the shot of Shigure and Akito would imply that Shigure is the one with the power due to their positioning, but it is Akito who has the power. Akito doesn’t stand up to greet him, simply expecting Shigure to come to them and bend at the waist to accommodate their position. Shigure tries to assert his power here by being physically larger and looming, but Akito is so confident in theirs that they wordlessly watch as Shigure does the exact thing Akito wanted.

Morality: Always looking out for #1

Shigure’s goal is a selfish one, and he has leaned into that completely. He is gloatingly self-aware, which allows him to further his plans without any moral qualms in the way.

The inner circle of the Sohma family has a strong culture of pervasive cruelty. We see it over and over again—Kyo’s treatment by the people around him, Haru’s, Yuki’s, Hatori’s, Rin’s, etc etc. Cruelty is extremely normalized within the family, and you can see even in this fairly casual conversation that Shigure and Hatori take shots at one another (other scenes where this happens between them include 2x7, 2x25, off the top of my head). The line of what is deemed “acceptable” in a larger societal sense is much farther for the Sohma family, and this greatly influenced Shigure’s sense of morality and decency. He is intelligent enough to know that hurting others is wrong, but it’s what has been modeled for him his entire life and something he’s participated in before for various reasons. Hurting others is normal for him and of a small blip in his radar in the grand scheme of things.

Shigure’s morals are warped, but he is also extremely intelligent as well as in touch with his emotions. He is aware that if Tohru gets hurt that it will hurt him in turn, both because she is an outsider whose life he is playing with and because he can’t help but care about her (which is what makes her so good for his plans), but his end goal is overall more important to him than his or anyone else’s emotions in the moment.

Self-perception:

All the other zodiacs hold some level of resentment towards Akito and the curse, but Shigure doesn’t resent Akito. He resents the curse because it’s standing between him and a real relationship with Akito, but not Akito themselves. Since childhood, Shigure has been unapologetically obsessed with Akito, and the power of that obsession and the intensity of the bond has led Shigure to live a one-track life, disregarding the pain of people close to him to feed his own selfish desires, going so far as to willingly dirty Tohru, an outsider and a child, to enable his plans. The others live in misery that has been forced onto them; Shigure picked his poison and never plans on letting it go.

Conclusion: Shigure is a nasty little man

1x10 is an excellent look into Shigure’s inner life and ultimate goals. It very clearly shows us that he is motivated by a love that was initially the pure love of a child-turned-dark and desperate. His motivations are selfish, his actions hurtful and oftentimes callous, and his morality twisted by both the family culture and his own doing. This episode does an amazing job juxtaposing Shigure’s unique relationship with the curse against Kyo’s as two ends of the extreme: the former is trying to break the curse so he can have an individual, the latter desperate to be included in the curse so he can find acceptance from the group. Shigure is an underhanded character who very rarely says what he wants outright, but the subtext of this episode is full of great little moments to spell out what Shigure’s game is and how he plans on winning it.

[arcticrxt]

Some dream smp mbtis and enneagrams bc I love it!!!

@dreamsclock here it is!!

Characters:

Wilbur

Ghostbur

Tommy

Dream

Tubbo

Quackity

Karl

Under the cut bc they’re kinda long. Keep in mind this is the characters and not the content creators :]

WILBUR

Personally for me I’d type c!wilbur as ENFJ which is interesting for a villainous character. When he spirals into madness, you can see his dominant function (Fe) become more unhealthy, leading to him being very manipulative. He shows Ti-grip when his Fe is left to burn out, becoming critical of others and their methods, preferring he do it instead (seen with tommy during their exile). Ni auxiliary is shown in his ambition and drive for his goal of L’manburg.

For his enneagram, i know wilbur said he based c!wilbur off of the song eight by sleeping at last, but hear me out,,, I was thinking maybe a 3w4. The 8 characteristics could be seen in a tritype of 368. Type three is named the achiever which in itself stands for his vision and ambition of L’manburg. 3w4s are often working towards personal growth and professional success. When unhealthy, 3s can get extremely competitive and prone to one-upping others. May reject their sense of self and develop intense mood swings. At worst they can backstab ruthlessly (tommy and the whole of L’manburg and pogtopia) and destroy others reputations solely for their benefit (“if i can’t have this no one can”). The tritype Im a bit if-y on but I’ll say 368 because it focuses on working hard, achieving personal best and developing a winning image. They will want to protect others from those they perceive as a target (dream, Schlatt), they will warn and caution others and seek “worthy” authorities they can respect.

GHOSTBUR His Si is incredibly high so imma say ISFJ. His main motive (id say) is wanting to collect stories of his past and the history of the nation he built, his “unfinished symphony”. Fe auxiliary is very strong as well as he shows a lot of compassion to others, offering them some blue in times of need and also not wanting anyone to feel sadness like he feels it. Ghostbur ignores his own feelings in order for others to feel safe. His Ti is shown through his need for gathering knowledge to understand alivebur and i could also see it through his internalised logic that the blue will help people. Not sure on inferior Ne, maybe through not wanting to see other possibilities in regards to his resurrection, however he was under a lot of stress since his home just got blown up, and friend died, so I can’t blame him.

He clearly doesn’t want conflict so I’ll say type 9. Needs peace and harmony (he gives out blue to help people). Soothing voice, and collected (except when Phil blew up L’manburg but that’s reasonable). He’s complacent, and humble, and will go the extra mile so long as to not rock the boat. Appreciative of the small things in life and enjoy simple pleasures.

TOMMY For Tommy I think ESFP which is probably one of the ones I’m up for more opinions on bc I’m not completely sure of his type. Se as dominant as he thrives on living in the moment but in an unhealthy way (unnecessary conflicts) He’s got a strong Fi auxiliary and you can see that through his personal morals and the way he usually makes decisions based off of emotions rather than objective facts and logical reasoning. He’s good at planning, but not at thinking out the longevity of it. Eg when heady exile and found technos house and lived under there, thinking techno would find him, this all shows Se-Te loop. He gradually develops an unhealthy Fi which leads to him disregarding external relationships (his friendship with tubbo) and commitments to maintain his internal love of the discs.

Enneagram wise, I’m definitely leaning towards 7w6. 7s are usually jumping from one thing to another and are constantly getting bored. The wing 6 brings loyalty and protectiveness. When unhealthy, sevens become narcissistic in their actions and presentation (see his confrontation with tubbo after tubbo thought he was dead, and the “the discs are worth more than you ever were” granted he quickly realises what he said but the mentality was still there).

DREAM I think he’s a fairly obvious stereotype unhealthy ENTJ. He has a very low Fi. When we see him driven by emotion (usually anger) it’s terrifying and we have no context about it at all except that it’s for a need of control. He knows how to manipulate people through his charisma and power in an ENTJ fashion. He lost attachment to his things very quickly (using Te and Ni to go forward logically while also showcasing his inferior Fi)

Dream is a very painfully obvious 8, probably an 8w7, but he is defined an 8. The eight has fiery passions and is usually stubborn and headstrong, they are serious about control over their environment. They are goal-oriented and self-competent. Eights are direct and aren’t shy when taking the lead and making tough decisions. They are often seen in leadership positions. The eight type is part of the “body based” triad and they often act impulsively. They crave respect and enjoy being likes by the group. When unhealthy, eights can become tyrannical and intimidating, scaring off others at first glance. They become addicted to the pursuit of power and will destroy anything blocking their path. Feelings and emotions become insignificant (spirit :’)) challengers become stone-cold and take an antagonist stand to anyone who questions them or their motives. This is the one I’m most most sure of out of every typing I’ve done bc it seems painfully obvious.

TUBBO I’d say probably an Fe dom so maybe ENFJ/ESFP but I’m leaning more to the ENFJ side. Tubbo realised after he thought tommy had died that, without tommy he was himself. Something Fe doms struggle with the most is self worth and personal identity. They’re caught up in wanting to help others that they don’t tend to their own needs. He’s careless and self sacrificing when it comes to the needs of others (him giving up his life so that tommy could have the discs and be happy) and bc he has such low self esteem he doesn’t realise that that’s not what tommy wants. The reason I’m more leaning to ENFJ is because of his inferior Ti. Though he didn’t want to due to dominant Fe, he was lead to believe exiling tommy was the best possible solution. You can see he regrets it after tommy and dream had left. When he was working under schlatt we saw his remorse and guilt even though he knew it had to be done. We see his dominant Fe during his time as president when others push him to do things and he usually agrees. He was manipulated through guilt by dream which is very unhealthy ENFJ.

(I wrote this before the ghostbur one so sorry for any repetitive language) For enneagram, type nine: the peacemaker. Type 9s are motivated by their need for peace and harmony (tubbo was manipulated into believing that getting rid of tommy would achieve this). They have a calm demeanour and are agreeable. They’re hardworking, friendly, and modest but also more serious and diligent than expected. (I’m not too sure on his enneagram which is why this is so short)

QUACKITY Estj imo. Like dream, he’s unhealthily obsessed with power, (unhealthy dominant Te). He abandoned L’manburg because schlatt wouldn’t let him have any say, and he was shoved to the side, despite it being a coalition government. He is very logical and controls others. He makes sure he comes out as the hero and that his hands are clean, learning it from past experiences (Si). He quickly finds ways to get out of situations through the use of tertiary Ne. Doesnt show a lot of Fi and he usually underestimates his opponents abilities and/or strength due to his overconfidence. He’s willing to kill anyone who goes against what he thinks and is stubborn and argumentative. He doesn’t like it when people are lazy and don’t contribute.

Also, similarly to dream, I’d type his enneagram as 8w7. The same with his obsession of power, and his strong/weak mindset where he thinks the world is made up of protectors and those who need to be protected (see him taking it upon himself to execute technoblade for the better of L’manburg) which is all very textbook 8. The opinions of others don’t have much effect on him. Eights are concerned with justice, combating oppression, and protecting the weak. He takes the lead in making tough decisions (he’s the butcher army leader). He becomes more antagonist and villainous with his actions against technoblade, believing he’s in the right. (I didn’t want to just copy out what I said for dream so this is a shortened version)

KARL Torn between ENFP and ESFP but leaning toward ENFP. He’s time travelling because he believes it’s the right the to do which is more so Fi, but could be Fe wanting to help others at his personal cost. But also the Fi-Te pair keeps him going and he won’t stop until it’s fulfilled (which is pretty Te imo). He is creative and good with imagination and ideas (Ne) (at the masquerade, although it was a comical excuse, he came up with minecraft streamer quickly, he was also able to answer billiams questions pretty quickly).

Even though it’s now canon he doesn’t choose when and where he travels to, which would have been a stronger argument for a type seven, he’s still enthusiastic at the times he travels to. He’s optimistic (with the mentality everything will go right for him because he believes it has to, even though he’s loosing a lot of memories atm). He’s got childlike energy and curious eyes. He wants to bounce from one place to another, he created two towns already, although one technically no one knows about gogtopia except for the founders and tommy who travelled through it. He’s well like and popular, which is often a 7 trait. The type 7 is part of the “heart-based” triad, and we can see him act through this with the way he seeks excitement as a means to distract himself from the darker, and more painful things in life. He ignores his fears in favour of positive experiences. For a wing, probably a 7w6 in favour of 7w8, the same as tommy. He’s loyal and a strong leader over being tough and more career-driven. If he was to turn unhealthy in the future, we might see him loose his groundedness, and start to live in a perpetual fantasy instead of reality.

Sorry for any typos or bad grammar :]

[gamesception]

The Promised Neverland is kind of really good, actually?  I mean, yeah, I’m late to the party as usual, but I just binged the first season of the anime, and then the manga from that point on (the site I was on didn’t have any of the second season, but apparently it diverges from the comic and gets bad anyway, so maybe just read the comic to begin with).  And, I mean, spoilers, obviously, but I’m going to get into some extremely major spoilers here so if you haven’t read it or if you’ve only seen the first season of the anime maybe skip this post and read the manga, but...

...

I’ve tried and failed to write a big long post about all the ways it’s so good, how the main three characters are each so compelling, how its pitch dark but not cynical or misanthropic, with mortal stakes but not gore-porny, positive and optimistic without being trite or naïve, how choosing Emma out of the main three to be the primary protagonist and viewpoint character keeps the story from becoming a masculine militaristic power fantasy, how the antagonists are treated as characters and not just monsters - even the ones that are literal monsters, about how the story never supports or glorifies the idea of sacrificing the weak so that the strong can survive, about how empathy and understanding and a chance for peace are extended to every single villain without putting a burden to forgive on victims and without ignoring the need to fight those who refuse the offer of peace and uphold the status quo, how the story opposes oppressive hierarchies at every turn - not just those the monsters use to control the human children at the farms, but also how the monster elites use access to human meat to controller the lower social classes of monster society, and even to an extent within the human resistance.

But there’s just way too much to talk about to get it all into one big giant post, and I don’t have the stamina for a big extended ongoing project right now - or else I’d return to one of the like 12 I have on hold.

But, like, to pick just one thing....

ok, so eventually we learn what the monsters are and why they eat people.  They’re a weird sort of organism that can temporarily take on the characteristics of things they eat.  Eat a bird and grow wings, eat a bug and grow an exoskeleton, eat a human and gain a humanoid body and the intelligence to become self aware, learn language, form societies - for a while.  But if they go too long without eating people, then they lose their minds and revert to a bestial form.  In order to save the humans, the resistance leader Minerva plans to wipe out the monster society altogether.  After all, they literally have to eat humans to continue being people, there is no possibility of peace.

Protagonist Emma, though, has seen not just the horrific human farms and their cruel and corrupt rulers, but also their towns and settlements, their families and children.  She was even saved at one point shortly after her escape by friendly monsters who opposed the farm system, and even though it seems impossible, she wants to save both the humans and the monsters.

A more typical show, at least among those with premises as dark as The Promised Neverland, wouldn’t take Emma’s side in this.  She would be forced to ‘grow up’ and face the fact that she can’t save everyone.  Her naivety would get someone killed to break her heart and teach her to be hard and cruel as if those things are virtues.  Or, more likely, she wouldn’t be the viewpoint character to begin with, she’d be a side character whose ideals would get herself killed in order to elevate the male characters’ angst and justify their violence.  Either way, the message would be “Emma’s ideals were unrealistic and could never survive contact with the harsh reality of the world.”

TPN instead takes Emma’s Side.  She finds monsters who maintain a humanoid body and intelligence without eating humans, and they’re able to spread that trait to the rest of monster society while the humans all escape to the human world.  Now, as much as I don’t like the grimdark ‘there is no peaceful option’ hypothetical version of the story, this development could have been handled pretty badly.  Like, just reading it like that, it sounds like the story raised a big moral dilemma and then chickened out of it.  But that’s really not how it comes off while you’re reading it, for a couple reasons.

First of all, Emma meets the non-human-eating monsters early in the story, long before we get the explanation of how monsters in general work.  So by the time we learn that the monsters must eat humans to maintain their self identity, the audience already knows that there are exceptions and that an alternative exists.  The story never sets this up to be a moral dilemma in the first place, so when the issue is bypassed it doesn’t feel like it’s undercut itself.

More importantly, though, is the thematic & metaphorical content.  Because the monster society is a pretty explicit metaphor for unjust human societies, and monsters represent the people who make up such societies.  Not just the aristocrats who benefit from the unjust society, or those who directly enforce and uphold it, but also regular people.  People insulated just enough from the suffering and death that their lives are built on that they can turn a blind eye to it, but aware enough of their complicity in that suffering that they construct excuses to justify their part in it, and by proxy excuse those at the top who actually benefit from and shaped the society as it is.  People living lives simultaneously just comfortable enough to keep them docile, but precarious enough that they’re too caught up with struggling to maintain the tenuous grasp on the lives they have to feel like they can work towards anything better.  Monster society in TPN is a cage built out of the corpses of humans cattle, but built to imprison and enslave the monster civilians who eat them.

Hanging the story on the fantastical element of monster biology would divorce it from that essential metaphor while also endorsing an outright genocidal worldview, and TPN explicitly calls out the plan to wipe out the monsters altogether as just that - genocidal.  It never even pretends to entertain the notion that the audience should accept that plan as the right choice, even while it doesn’t condemn Minerva for pursuing it. When Emma is proposing her plan to Minerva, the deal she strikes with him is ‘I will try to make my peaceful solution happen, and if I succeed then you cancel your plan to wipe out the monsters’.  Minerva is eventually shown to be lying when he makes that agreement, but Emma isn’t, and note the if there.  If Emma’s plan fails, then she - and thus the narrative - accepts that Minerva’s plan to save the children is still better than leaving things as they are, even if it means wiping out all the monsters.  After all, the society IS monstrously unjust, and even the lower classes within that society ARE complicit in that injustice.

Minerva’s problem isn’t even presented as a matter of him hating the monsters too much to see a route to peace with them.  The story doesn’t frame the conflict between Minerva’s and Emma’s plans as hate vs. love or revenge vs. forgiveness.  It’s instead more of ‘hierarchy and division bad, mutualism/openness/relying on each other good’.  The point is to show how Minerva’s role as a figurehead who believes he has to project strength to uphold the hope that the other humans have placed in him has worn away his ability to rely on others or to be open to alternatives they offer, leaving him with rigid and inflexible thinking.

So when Minerva learns about the monsters who don’t need to eat humans, he doesn’t see an opportunity for a better outcome - potentially even an easier outcome since he doesn’t have to make enemies of the entirety of monster society - rather he sees a threat to his plan to starve the monsters back into an animalistic state.

And if that whole subplot isn’t explicit enough, Minerva’s internalized need to project strength also results in his physical body wasting away in secret from a condition he believes to be untreatable, but the moment he finally breaks down and admits he needs help Emma is able to point to a solution, one that again doesn’t come across as a cop out because again it takes the form of another character the audience was already introduced to a long time ago.

In a story arc that the second season of the anime adaptation apparently cut entirely, wow the more I hear about anime season 2 the worse it sounds.  And after the first season was so good....

...

Anyway, I tried to pick just one thing and this post still turned into a colossal gushing word cascade, and there are so many other elements to talk about.  Like how The ‘Mothers’ and ‘Sisters’ are menacing villains with seemingly no empathy for the children, but when Sister Krona realizes she’s lost the power struggle with Isabella she leaves the kids tools to help them, and then when Mother Isabella realizes the children have escaped, she covers up the route they used in order to buy them a little extra time to get away.  It’s these little touches - just as much as the short backstories that follow them - that show us how, while they might uphold the system out of fear for their own lives, and might have rationalize their part in it in order to live with the horrible things they’re doing, the mothers and sisters don’t actually hate the children.  Knowing that makes it believable when in the end Isabella does turn on the system, and every single one of the other mothers and sisters join her.

The bit when the fighting is mostly over and she tells the Mother at the house “it’s over, now we can just love them” and the other woman breaks down crying is so sad and human, it makes me tear up thinking about it..

Like I said, all the villains are characters, not just monsters.  They all have motivations for the horrific things they do - sometimes irrational, often selfish, but not even the most unforgivable of the monsters are just evil for evil’s sake.

Again, I’m rambling.  It’s just...  I’m used to these sorts of pitch dark dystopias being, for lack of a better term, kinda fashy in their messaging?  Or at the very least deeply cynical and misanthropic and just kind of mean spirited.  And TPN is so completely the opposite of that, in so many ways.

[greytoiletpaper]

Out on Allen Street, it’s 7 in the Morning

Set in the same-ish Street Siblings universe as First Contact by @cryptids-and-muses and @a-sketchy-character @streetsiblings (they’re awesome), I present my own built-on concept. It’s a bit angstier but sue me I’m an angst ball

AO3 | Deluge

Chapter 1: Drizzle

Jason Todd loved the rain. He remembered it pattering on the roof as he dozed off into the night, curled up with Sparky. Times spent splashing in puddles. Drawing a rare smile from Catherine as bright as the morning sun. Days without Willis, his head stuck in a worn copy of Huckleberry Finn and the ambience set only by the rain as it tracked ran down the window he leant on.

It was raining when Jason woke to his mother’s lax corpse, ears drowning out every sound except the rain’s as it plinked in time with the droplets that dripped down her arm.

--

In front of her, Faizul’s corpse is still. So still that Cassandra Cain can almost block out how the man’s body only radiated pain and fear and agony so strong-and-she-did-that-with-her-hands-her-hands-so-red-and-.

But she can’t, her head is still drowning in the memory, and all she can think about is the fear emptiness that settles in her body. Her gift to understand movement as if it were a language, she learns, is nothing more than a curse when Death comes by her hand. She wrings her red fist, as tainted as her soul because of what she had done. She looks away.

Father David has his arms outstretched, a smile so sharp and so bright that if he were any other man, she would have thought he was proud. He is, but underneath, Cassandra can see nothing but sick and profound glee at what she can do. The decision is easy.

As Cassandra springs out the window, its hinges blew wide open, her father David keeled over, the sky crackles and runs with the long red rivulets off her arms.

--

Now, five months later, Jason ducks his head under the fire escape in an empty alley, the rain in a duet with the nightlife of Gotham. He allows himself some respite as it steadily washes the grime off his surroundings, a pleasant ratatatata above the ambient din that is the dark of Gotham. He is so tired, but he’ll have to move soon if he wants to stay out of sight of kidnappers and killers and whatever else haunts the shadows of Gotham.

A howl slices through the Gotham night as some mug gets his face slammed into a wall. Jason knows this because he can see it right now as the same mook gets decked by a – a girl. Anyone on the streets knows that girls can hold their own but seeing some thirty-something-year-old man get his ass handed to him by a pixie of a girl – he thinks she’s his age, somehow – is something else. Seriously, the guy looks terrified out of his mind as he runs with his tail between his legs after a particularly nasty hit to his crotch.

As if sensing his gaze, the girl snaps her head to him, locking him in place.

“Uh… Hi?” Jason raises his hand in an awkward wave which the girl mimics, albeit a bit stilted, her head on a tilt. The silence between the two of them stretches until the girl seems to see something in him and nods. Out of ideas, Jason digs around his bag and produces a fresh enough apple.

“I’m Jason.” He points to himself.

A beat, and then the girl repeats the gesture.

“Cuh, cuh, cuh,” She struggles with the words, her forehead pinched. “Cuh, ah, ssss.”

“Cass?” The girl nods again, this time rigorously. Unsure of himself, Jason raises the apple to her. “Well, nice to meet you, Cass. You hungry?”

Cass grins, her eyes twinkling as she bites into the apple. Around them, the rain lessens. Just a little.

--

She watches two of her most precious children draw closer, children who will laugh and cry and burn for her love. Gotham watches them come, raises her arms, and weeps with her joy.

“Jason and Cassandra against the world,” Is what Gotham would have said if she had a voice. For years, the city is content to watch her children. She observes Jason and Cassandra as they starve, as they fight, as they grow. On one night, the weather nothing but pluvial, she witnesses them come across the strange car in the alleyway owned by her first child. On that night, she watches as the Dark Knight comes across her most perfect pair of children.

--

“Cassandra,” She looks up at the man they had been living under for the past two months, Bruce. She makes no answer, only staring blankly at him–they were betting on seeing how long it took for the man to get uncomfortable when she does that–who stares back. He continues as if they had not been staring for a full minute, which is not to Cass’ benefit. “Do you know where Jason is?”

Cass, willing to keep trying, keeps her gaze unrepentant. Under her scrutiny, the Dark Knight’s demeanour finally cracks a little. Internally, Cass is ecstatic, but she still really wants to milk it as she keeps up the act.

“Someone call for me?” Jay comes down the stairs. Finally, Cass can break her façade.

“Good morning, slob.” The slob, honest to god, freezes.

“No,” He grinds out of his teeth.

“Yes,” Cass gives him a crooked smile. “slob.”

“Am I missing something here?” Bruce is frowning. Oh right, he was ignorant to their scheme.

“Slob,” Cass repeats with feeling and delights at Jay’s fuming. “S-L-O-B. It means Stupid-Loser-Of-Bets,” She looks Jay dead in the eye again and calls him by the name.

Bruce frowned even further (his body projects such honest confusion that Cass almost laughs). “I was not aware you two had made a bet.”

“A bet I lost because of you, old man!” Jay pipes up, suddenly fuming at Bruce. “You’re Batman, and you can’t even keep from cracking when some girl stares at you for longer than a minute?”

Cass does not hold in her laughter anymore, something she broadcasts to all gathered. Bruce sighs, but at least he waits for her to calm down before he gets to his point.

“Regardless… I need you two to come with me to my office,” As the man leaves, the two share a glance.

“You gonna go after him?”

“You first, slob,” Jay grumbles the entire way to the office, where Bruce waves them in.

For a few seconds, the man awkwardly shifts before he pulls a sheaf of papers from behind his desk.

“I… I quite enjoy having the two of you here. With me,” Bruce admits, looking both of them in the eyes. He takes a deep breath. “I do not want to force this on either of you, but I would love to have you here with me for longer.”

“Permanently, even.”

Bruce lays out the papers on the desk, ‘Adoption Applications’ printed at the top. The letters draw a sharp breath from Jay, and Cass is confident enough with reading to understand what it means.

“Yes,” They both say immediately, and Bruce’s face goes softer than either have ever seen it.

When he asks for their surnames, Cass thinks about saying Cain. Instead, she says Todd.

Shyly, her russet orbs meet his azure ones expecting anger, but everything about Jason only projects love and acceptance. Her grin, something she had not got right yet, is almost identical to the one her brother wears.

“Always wanted a sister. Can’t do much better than you, eh, Cass?”

“Yes Jay,” she pauses. “slob.”

Outside, the sky is open in a light drizzle.

--

If there is anyone in the Waynes that Jason thinks is his favourite, it would be Alfred. An opinion he thinks Cass would be hard-pressed to disagree with. Of course, Cass is still in awe about the fact that Bruce Wayne is Batman (and isn’t that just fucking crazy), so it’s understandable. Conversely, Jason still remembers his first memory of the butler, a kind smile and welcoming arms that promised care for both of them.

“Master Jason,” The boy had looked up to see a crinkle in Alfred’s eyes that he had only ever seen from Catherine. The butler continued, somehow even softer than his usual. “Would you like me to fix that for you?”

Alfred gestured to Jason’s battered copy of Huckleberry Finn that he had cradled self-consciously to his chest. He refused, unsure why the butler seemed to be delighted to see Jason in the way only Cass and his Mom did. But there is something so trustworthy about the man that part of Jason is sure Alfred would do things like that no matter what he asked. So, automatic favourite.

--

Their older brother, Dick (“Aptly nicknamed,” Jay mutters under his breath.), yells whenever he comes to the manor. Most of his visits tend to cycle between him screaming at Bruce or yelling about them. He does make an effort to be a little quieter when he’s talking about the latter. Although, he still looks at Jay with an indecipherable mixture of emotions in his eyes. A pool caught between anger and something unknown to them. It’s not something that upsets Cass, but it puts both of them off, nonetheless.

On the other hand, Barbara is a little more forward in her dislike of the new kids. More often than not, her ire seems aimed at Cass specifically. Privately, Cass thinks Barbara was still angry about Bruce taking her role as Batgirl and giving it to Cass. But, she can see how every time the older girl gets less hostile, another part of her body was long past the role anyway. So, she doesn’t hold it against Oracle.

--

“C’mon Cass, repeat after me,” Jason waves the pages in Cass’ face, which elicits a giggle from his sister. Her giggling unbalances the both of them, so they have to waste another couple of minutes to make themselves comfortable again.

“What’s the use you learning to do right when it’s troublesome to do right and ain’t no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same?”

Cass repeats the words, but she struggles at ‘troublesome’, so Jason repeats it for her. Silence, and then.

“What mean?” He thinks she isn’t asking about the word.

“Well, Mom used to say that it was just that. It might be harder to do the right thing, but it’d be better since you at least did it properly,” Satisfied, his sister merely nods and tries the words again. This time, she only takes three tries until she gets ‘troublesome’ right.

“I think she would have liked you,” He murmurs between phrases and instantly regrets it when Cass’ head turns to him so sharply she jostles him. He is about to brush it off when she nods her head shyly, snuggling closer to Jason.

He thinks, as they keep reading, that things are going to turn out alright. He has Robin now, and Robin gives him magic. Not only that but he’s also got Cass as Batgirl. Sure, she has that weird stitch mask covering her face, but it’s so fitting that he cannot imagine Cass with any other kind of costume. He knows her, and she knows him. For years she has been the sister he never knew he needed.

Together, Jason muses, they’re going to shake the whole damn world.

--

Whether they're from the Justice League or otherwise, everyone is always ready with a snide comment directed towards them. Or, more specifically, Jason. They use words and insults that don’t make sense to her, but she can see them affect her brother. When she asks, all he does is brush her off with lies and platitudes that they both know are fake. It isn’t until Troia huffs and says something that has waves of hurt rolling off Jason’s body that Cass decides she’s had enough.

“Honestly, I can’t believe you’d think you’d ever be like – ow!” Troia, poise flooded with nothing but condescension (she’s too angry to be elated at remembering a word Jason taught her) that Cass quickly corrects with a sharp jab. Like a deer in headlights, she turns and somehow has the gall to look indignant (another word). “Who did – Batgirl?”

“What, are you doing?” Troia fucking blinks. “Why are you treating my brother like this?”

She doesn’t even look guilty.

“Oh, don’t worry about all that. I don’t think it’s anything you’d understand anyway,”

She bends down towards her, apparently not noticing how still she is. Anyone who knows anything about Cassandra Todd knows her stillness means Death. Evidently, Troia is an exception. She's the only one in the room that's relaxed.

“Some people are simply born for this role. No street rat can ever hope to achieve that.”

Cassandra moves before anyone even blinks, her arms a flurry of jabs and punches and vicious kicks as she catches Troia off guard. Even when she finally regains her footing, the Amazon doesn't stand a sliver of a chance as Cassandra lays into her.

A block from Troia awards a savage stomp on her shin. A punch ducked under and followed through into a sequence of blows to the Amazon’s chest. When Troia grips her lasso and tries to restrain Cassandra, the girl only slinks her way past and wrestles it from her hands. Quickly and efficiently, she wraps it around the Amazon’s waist and pulls. For someone so small, Cassandra manages to lift Troia with the lasso with enough strength that when she releases it, the Amazon goes flying into a pillar in the Watchtower with a sharp crack.

Cass picks up her brother and shields him from the Leaguers, indifferent to their shocked and judgemental eyes.

The message is clear.

Even though they’re lost in a veritable sea of people, it still ends up being just the two of them, and Cass is more than okay with that.

Next chapter

[diariesofaplutonian]

Pluto in the 1st and 12th houses

Pluto in the 12th House natives have deep, rich inner lives, but often suffer privately from intense mental battles and struggles. These people are often intimately acquainted with the notion of suffering. They feel pain very heavily and if not careful, they can let it consume and ravage them. I’ve noticed a lot of these natives are intensely talented or artistic or creative, in fact, a lot of musicians have this placement; that being said, natives also seem to immensely struggle with severe depression for they are easily overcome with unfortunate life events and stresses/stressors. Sometimes, it may feel as though life has it out for them. They may grapple with despondency or chronic depression. These individuals can struggle to remain positive when it seems their faith is always tested, but these individuals are also gifted with extraordinary willpower and intense focus, discipline, and dedication. They have the power to make all their dreams come true; their superpower is their relentless ambition, and the responsibility they feel to the world to prove themselves: this is their number one obligation and promise to themselves. They hardly ever fail in this act: proving themselves. Many of them deeply struggle with insecurity and may have an inferiority complex or suffer from imposter syndrome when it comes to their beliefs in their talents or abilities. They battle against these fears, doubts, and anxieties when they consistently demonstrate how bold, how fearless, how determined, and how gifted they are. They do, however, often internalize their failures as proof of some kind of self-issue, some inadequacy, some inability to do good, some lack, proof of bad performance, etc. They need to realize that even when they feel subpar, the work they do is optimal, and the world can use their gifts, so they should embrace all the skills they have to offer. One of the downsides of this placement is that while these natives often fall in love with potential, they most often fail to see their own. They also need to stop doubting the possibility of an outcome and start finishing what they start to reap the efforts of what they produce, so even if they do manage to not live up to their own exceptionally high standards, they will know it is because it wasn’t the right project and not that they weren’t the right person for the job. Sometimes, they can truly be their own worst enemy; they need to stop letting their inner voice undermine their relationships and their lives. They build walls sky high around their heart because they don’t want to be let down, and if their defenses are up, they falsely believe their security can’t be threatened. Many carry deep wounds stemming from unhappy childhoods, wounds they have lodged deep inside of them. Many have never fully recovered from or properly addressed traumatic life experiences. May have an aversion to or distrust of not only modern medicine, doctors, and healing practices, but a distrust of hospitals, therapists, psych units, and counseling, as well. May have issues talking about their deep-rooted fears.

Very private, complex individuals. Vigilant because they’ve experienced harrowing episodes or encountered visions they should have never had to bear. May have been witness to shocking events they shouldn’t have seen. May often find themselves in the wrong place, wrong time scenario. Often seeks out danger. Parts of them are incredibly reckless, daredevil-like, driven, and sensation-seeking. Finds not comfort, but intense pleasure in thrill and high-risk activity. Constantly chasing a high—not necessarily drug-induced—and pushing the boundaries of themselves. Constantly defying self-limits. Often suffers from loneliness and feels exiled from the world or even rejected or unaccepted because they’re too weird or dark or unusual or frightening, in a way that they don’t follow the rules, or they’re the black sheep of some sorts, but more often than not, their isolation is self-imposed. Well-versed with their shadow side. Trust doesn’t come easy to them, but once they have it and it remains unbroken, you will have their loyalty for life. They also reward loyalty. Their friends/confidantes are their closest allies. Harbor many secrets. Has addictive habits. May have grief due to private dilemmas. Feels uncomfortable with but unafraid of death. Intense control issues—if not properly resolved, this can lead them to be very controlling. Intense love affairs. May have a hard-knock life, even if successful career-wise, with many ups and downs. May have difficulty regulating or controlling their emotions. May struggle to find inner peace. May question their purpose or belonging. May feel trapped or powerless in situations involving spiritual matters—i.e. God—or earthly/temporal matters, such as life or death. May feel tested and challenged by unpredictability but thrive off of it or need an element of unpredictability in their lives to feel useful, inspired, or creative. Creativity is often linked to deep pain, in these natives. It is often an emotional outlet for them. These natives feel uncomfortable when they feel seen by others. Incredibly resilient, brave individuals. They lack a strong self-concept. Identity is weathered by forces the natives cannot always see but are often held back by. Struggles with deep sadness and loss or grave emotional pain at times. Feels strongest when not experiencing the uncomfortable emotion of regret—this emotion is the most difficult for them to confront/contend with. They’d rather feel nothing at all. Natives may have a stark view of themselves or a black and white picture of the world. Their internal or external reality/world may be harsh to them or unlivable.

Pessimistic at times, prone to cynicism. Intensely probing, thoughtful, solemn, demonstrative, reserved. Much internal activity. Acutely sensitive to their environments—emotional/psychic and physical. Senses, intuits, and often feels other people’s emotions. Perceives others’ objectives or goals, and others’ thoughts of them. Has an instinctive grasp on human nature, especially of the shadows and the darkness and all else that is germane to the human condition. Suffers a lot in the world, sometimes by their own hand/as a result of their own doing (self-inflicted pain is often their coping mechanism). Needs better coping skills—healthy ones. May self-harm or turn to self-destructive behavior when in a rough spot. May be the victim of poverty during youth. May duel themselves. Often subject to high stress. May believe in the existence of supernatural entities, i.e. ghosts, aliens, demons, etc. Very active imagination, dark thoughts that they attempt to run away from. Seeks refuge in solitude. Silent by choice. Natural observer. Knows more than they seem to know. Omits on purpose. May have unusual proclivities, i.e. engage in activities considered taboo or NSFW. In touch with their “wild” side—the parts of themselves most people are uncomfortable with. Relishes in what makes people uncomfortable. Finds joy and incomparable beauty in that. Attempts to fill a void caused by a state of incompleteness. Strives to assuage that with superficial emotions, relationships or vices, but it only leaves them more desperate and more empty, feeling more deprived. Always analyzing themselves and others. Danger of too much self-analysis. May be prone to self-violence (real or metaphorical). Intrigued by distressing situations, moodiness and violence. Doesn’t like nosiness. Prone to internal self-conflict and fanatical obsessions. Strong sexual appetites. May feed into lies or deceit out of self-preservation. May disguise selfishness through seemingly selfless sacrifices/acts, which are used to gain the favor of someone so they can do their bidding. Can be forceful or coercive at times. Very fixed and untenable at times. Learns a lot about life through painful experiences and private ordeals or feelings of being in crisis or having suffered identity or existential or health crises. These obstacles only serve to make them stronger and build/solidify their character, however. Adversity feeds and replenishes their spirit and helps them sprout wings, though, it feels like swallowing poison. They may, however, experience bouts of mortal illness or encounter near fatality as a result of such ordeals and life tests/tragedies, which is a testament to their individual strength. Clings to a feeling of independence and armors themselves with it. The first to say “I can do it on my own”—needs, not wants to make it through life saying they did it without help. Needs to realize that everybody needs help sometimes and they can’t indeed do it all on their own. There’s no shame in needing help or needing to take a break sometimes. Emotional scars must be dealt with. May be malicious or spiteful/vindictive when angry, which can come back to them in the form of karma. May face/encounter many near-death experiences in their lifetime or remember past lifetimes of violence or violent death. May have vivid and possibly violent dreams or suffer from nightmares. May be haunted by the past in the form of past lovers, past unresolved traumas, past relationships/friendships, past actions, past bills, past secrets, etc. Their past is never unburied, it seems. It always comes back to bite them. Seduced or entranced by the notion of revenge, for some, others by the idea of creating something permanent, whether via their work or via they, themselves.

Pluto in the 1st House natives inspire intense feelings from others—positive or negative. Public reaction to them is nearly always extreme—they are either worshipped or conspired against, loathed and plotted against. They inspire very polarizing reactions from people. For as many people rooting for their downfall, or for as many haters as they have, they have admirers who believe they can do no wrong. They attract massive fanfare and devotion from those who do support them, who often support them for life in a ride-or-die fashion. These individuals tend to suffer many private betrayals and public backlashes or attacks on their character and reputation. They are often subject to nasty rumors and lies made up by those who hate them or want to see them “ruined” or “destroyed.” Most of it is not true, but these attempts at character assassination often successfully taint their image or sully the general public’s perception of them. They often have to win them back. May have to admit or show weaknesses or give the allusion of groveling in order to gain public support again. Often loses themselves and has to recover themselves. If not careful, they can destroy themselves, as they are very self-destructive people. May turn to drugs or negative coping mechanisms such as gambling or alcoholism or other recreational drug use when feeling defeated or down in life. Doesn’t really know how to address painful, negative emotions without being swallowed by them. Often ruin themselves trying to cope with the pain they feel internally that they can’t escape. Paranoid and untrusting, but for good reason. A lot of people close to them have shady intentions or are trying to use them or manipulate them or get close to them for deceptive motives. May be subject to blackmail by friends turned enemies, lovers turned enemies, and so on, more than actual perceived enemies/foes. Are often “ruined” by those closest to them, though, while these attempts may seem victorious, those with Pluto in the 1st house or Pluto conjunct Ascendant often triumph in the end because they rule comebacks. If anything, being “canceled” or reviled only motivates them. They will succeed at all costs, and no hate can prevent that. These natives possess a controlled image. Part of them wants to be known, more of them wants to be unknown, or at the very least, they wish to control what you do see of them. They are often obsessed with power, their own and that of others. Gaining power, losing power, reducing someone else’s power, etc. Feels most empowered when they are in control. Needs to feel like the boss or the one running the show/pulling the strings. Needs to feel like an authority figure.

Often is very close to a mentor or father-like figure that tends to be older and wiser, often in the field of business or coaching. May manufacture an enigmatic personality or genuinely have one but hide behind it for privacy or safety purposes. Fearful of being anyone’s puppet. Doesn’t want to give their power away. Fears being controlled by others and retaliates when they feel dictated to or controlled. Their relationships are often high-stakes, high drama, and emotionally demanding. May be addicted to toxic people—drama and chaos, especially of the emotional kind, and power struggles give them a rush, though, they may deny this and claim they hate drama and toxicity. Can be manipulated or abused in relationships, or they themselves can abuse their power, especially if they are abusing a substance or easily influenced at the time. Often in crisis. These natives tend to have deep, penetrating gazes and luminous eyes. For as much as they value privacy, when they do inevitably have a fall from grace, it is often painfully, visibly made public, quite to their embarrassment, and all their secrets are “exposed.” Most of them try to get ahead of potential scandals or involuntary public releases about them by self-disclosing embarrassing, scandalous information or personally divulging their secrets and “exposing” themselves so they get ahead of the story and don’t become the story, so they control the narrative. Control is really important to them—not just the illusion of it but the actual concept of being able to take action or determine the course of an event without being dictated by it. They often disappear and reappear in the public eye at will. These are not the type of people to go make an apology on the notes app when they do something the public doesn’t like. They will address their actions when they feel like it and if they feel like it and only if they do feel like it, always on their own terms. And they don’t apologize unless they mean it, so don’t expect to see them putting out disingenuous statements. They always have their guard up because they are weary of being hurt and they’re used to going through unsettling situations. Have dry humor and strong physical/sexual hungers/appetites/lusts; may be shady at times. Have dealt with a lot of trauma in their lives, for many early on, in their childhood. May succumb to their deepest, innermost fears if not careful. May suffer from intense paranoia—always suspicious of loved ones. Fear of being [double-]crossed or backstabbed. May have a difficult time forgiving or understanding people who turn their back on them. A sense of mystery surrounds them. Time does not heal their pain. Struggle feeling isolated and alone but needs lots of alone time and goes through periods where they shut themselves off from everybody and go ghost for a while, typically to recover from private battles, or draw back/recover strength from life. Acutely aware of their own mortality. Recovery to them looks like healing. They often call this—healing—surviving.

Resolute, assertive individuals. Can contradict themselves at times. A web of contradictions emerge when specifically attempting to define who they are. Struggles to feel healthy emotions, easily overpowered by their own excess emotional energy. Can feel dead inside sometimes. Often secretly struggles with addiction, past trauma (including in some cases sexual or emotional or physical abuse, depending on other factors, as well), and suicidal ideation. Frequently possesses a low mood or bleak outlook on life. Struggles to keep positive. Finds enlightenment in the most unexpected, unusual places. Often finds God or the spiritual equivalent after some tragedy—doesn’t have to be a near-death experience—or after hitting rock bottom, however they define it—this may be losing the love of their life, being fired from their job, being publicly ousted or held accountable for some moral breach, being sued, being accused of alleged wrongdoing, true or false, etc. They nearly have to lose everything—or what is most important to them—to come to some great epiphany or startling realization and make drastic changes in their life. Sometimes, they may wait until it’s too late. Difficult to decipher. Subject to varying moods, sulking, and general somber periods. Some natives may have a morbid fascination (curiosity) with their own death, or on the opposite side, a healthy fear of it. May struggle to have/develop/facilitate a healthy relationship, not only with others, but with themselves. Good judge of character, but can be blinded by infatuation or blind trust at times. When they fall, they fall hard. Very intuitive and sensitive, perceptive individuals. Self-transformation often comes at the cost of something they want, including their selves. Sometimes, it’s as though parts of them have to die in order for more of them to live. Often very powerful, secretive individuals who come to amass much power in life, but can just as easily lose it. Overwhelmingly strong survival instinct. A need to conquer, to be the best, and to win. Dominant personalities. Difficult to know, not difficult to love. Tend to have many secret admirers and enemies, and are feverishly wanted or desired by those who can’t or shouldn’t have, want, or want to have them. Besides having a magnetic gaze, these natives often have an intriguing, possibly even sexual aura that either strongly repels or attracts others. After a breakup, can be demonized or made the villain by past vengeful partners, especially if there were sordid affairs or the native was unfaithful.