#i never thought i would get CANON laila like

[kevinsdsy]

There is room in our hearts for potentially-TSC2-canon Shawn and Jas-canon Shawn 💝

SHDJFHFJ ily 🩷🌷

honestly as much as i always joke about being embarrassed if we’d ever get canon shawn and that y’all would never see me (which is a big joke bc im a yapper at heart and need to release my thoughts somewhere) i would LOVE to get canon shawn and see what nora would do with all the trojans and if anything lines up with how i perceive them

[srtafig]

No Complaints is actually so Jean coded.

“I thought I had somethin'

And that's the same as havin' somethin’”

Jean thinking he had his spot in the perfect court, finding some comfort (?) in his name and place within the Ravens and by Riko and Kevin’s side until everything goes to shit. When in reality Jean never had any power in any of the choices made for him.

“I'd get mad at nothin', blame my dad for somethin'”

Jean is just angry for a lot of valid reasons, but also so much so it permeates and smoothes into sadness. Nothing here is how as a Moreau he is valued as nothing. Jean blames his family for landing him in Moriyama hands and their neglect for his sister’s death. Referencing the end of TSC when he called Wymack and was thinking why his parents didn’t love them enough to protect them (ouch).

“I pull no punches, then feel bad for months”

Kinda self explanatory…Jean doesn’t fight back (anymore) and whether he does or doesn’t he still has to deal with the repercussions of that choice (of the Nest) outside and within the Nest.

“Mm, thought I was raised better, tried to fake better

Tried to blame weather and escape better”

This is where I get interpretive :p

Jean thinking he could protect his sister, that his purpose meant she would survive, that being a Moreau was in service of something than a dead master and a crumbling team. He tried to blame his pain on his parents and the truth (that he know) of what it means to be a Moreau. He also tried to survive by submitting hence “escape better” than maybe say Neil who only fought his “fate” as a Wesninski.

“Hope the skin heals where the pain enters”

Jean peeling himself up over and over again telling himself he must endure even in the face of the dreaded “how much?” question.

“But I finally got sewed up”

He met Renee. He escaped the Nest. He went to USC and became a Trojan.

“I set a time, then I showed up”

Jean admitting he had friends at the end of TSC. He learned to lean on Renee and eventually allowed Jeremy to help him through what will be a shit show (and Cat and Laila eventually).

“Now the weight of the world ain't so bad”

The weight of existence isn’t as heavy as it was in the Nest. The freedom is crushing and exhilarating all at once for him, but it’s not the Nest (which slowly in TSC he comes to realize).

“I saw the end, it looks just like the middle

Got a paper and pen and a page with no space”

This is depressing, but it’s Jean realizing he’ll always have a master. He will always answer to some Moriyama in some capacity. For this I’m referring to his conversation with Neil about finding people to hold on to and how which is a better investment: a man with reasons to not let go or one that was simply told to not let go.

Jeans beginning, middle, and end look the same and he can’t change that; there’s no space on the page.

“I filled the hole in my head with prescription medication

And forgot how to cry, who am I to complain?”

He filled the void of his Raven partner with Jeremy and the other Trojans. Renee and the Trojans become Jean’s source of dopamine (at this point bc we don’t know in canon if he’ll be on meds).

Jean eventually doesn’t have bruises anymore, his body doesn’t forget what happened but the fresh evidence of such fades away.

And at the end of the day Jean realizes that this (being at USC, still an investment) is the best he’s had it and as he says in TSC “more than he deserves” so how is he to complain? (Which isn’t true he deserves the world and more)

ANYWAYS thanks of y’all read this lil breakdown :)

[mostlyvoid-partiallyflowers]

Okay I just speedran The Sunshine Court in like 12 hours. I will be rereading it soonly and giving more coherent thoughts but here’s my main takeaways:

- Thought #1: Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck this book exists. I am on the floor I’m so fucking excited.

Spoilers below the cut

- I absolutely love that we get both Jean and Jeremy POVs. It’s great especially because Jean is an oblivious and traumatized and if we just see things through his eyes we would never get to see Jeremy PINING like an absolute icon. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s about the pining, the waiting, the yearning. I’m simple man, I like my books gay, angsty, and with tension you could cut with a knife. This delivers on all accounts.

- I love getting to see the end of tkm from Jean’s perspective. Getting to see him watch the Foxes v Ravens game was incredible. I’m a very big fan.

- Renee and Jean time! Renee giving Jean her cross necklace. I’m in tears, I’m dead, I’m on the floor. It’s not the right time for us 😭. Excuse me? I’m unwell.

- Kevin Day, queen of my heart! Getting to see how someone other than Neil canonically sees Kevin is an absolute treat for me. Jean’s weakness for beautiful men has become known. Me too Jean, me too.

- Jeremy, light of my life, I can’t believe you’re rich. At least your family sucks because I don’t think I could take it if your family was wealthy and nice.

- Jeremy + Jean meeting for the first time. Jeremy trying and failing to play with a yo-yo. I’d die for you. They are ADHD 🤝 Autism solidarity me thinks.

- Montana has a pro Exy team which is not at all plausible but I’ll let it slide because one Montana mention for the win and two the team is called the Rustics which is absolutely what we’d call a pro sports team if we had one. The only reason Montanan’s at large would commit to indoor lacrosse is that Kayleigh Day was Irish and so solidarity.

- Laila and Cat, my beloveds. The description of their apartment has me yearning for the same. They have a bay window with a window seat okay. That’s like in my top three desires for a home.

- Carboard cutout dog with a classic Nora pet name. I’ll love Mister B forever. I love how Jeremy keeps moving him around. I love how Jean hates it.

- Trans characters! Poly characters! Nonbinary characters! Nora, my birthday has come a little late but damn this was a gift!

- I am absolutely pronouncing Jean wrong in my head probably 70% of the time.

- I’m so fucking angry at the Ravens. My blood is boiling and I want to cry. Jean deserved better, Kevin deserved better, Riko deserved better. All the Ravens deserved better. I want to put Tetsugi Moriyama into a blender and feed him to the crows.

- Jean was 16. I’m absolutely incandescent with rage.

- Jeremy is so patient with Jean and I will forever love him for that.

- This book was a lot shorter time frame than I was expecting, mainly because I keep forgetting there’s going to be another one.

- The food control but is driving me crazy. It makes me so fucking mad. Let my boy eat. I want him to be happy.

- Jeremy has seen Jean looking 👀 ummmmmm hello? “More exclusively than you do, I think.” I’m on the floor.

- Laila buying Jean a sex toy?!? Oh my god. What would she even get him? I feel like he deserves a vibrating cock ring or something fun like that. That way service top™️ Jeremy Knox can use it on him when they finally get together.

- I love seeing Neil from Jean’s perspective. It’s funny how different he is from my perspective and Jean’s/everyone else’s. I’ve spent so much time thinking about him from Andrew’s pov that it’s weird seeing him through anyone else’s. Everyone is like this scrappy irritating son of bitch is gonna get what’s coming to him, and Andrew is like, well I can’t not fuck him.

- The second Jean mentions Drake to Neil. And then Neil immediately calls a hit out on Gr@yson. Neil, you will always be famous to me.

- Jean-Yves! I hope he starts using his full name again at some point.

- Elodie :(((((( I can imagine what Jean’s going through and I am so afraid for him. If he keeps pushing all these feelings down he’s going to break sooner or later, but probably sooner.

- Jeremy’s unconditional support of Jean has my whole heart. Jean has friends now. I’m crying.

[withsappho]

i can’t lie, genuinely i think what i’m most looking forward to in the sunshine court is the canon lesbians who are important to the plot. like, this is something i never thought i would get!! laila and catalina had like, two lines of dialogue before this book and catalina didn’t even have a first name!!!

[asinglemagpie]

The Golden Raven: Here Be Spoilers 2

Turns out I'm not quite done.

HOW is it that in BOTH second books of BOTH trilogies that horrible shit happens to Andrew?! (I have wholesome ideas about what happens when he's in surgery though, so yay for the headcanon fluff fuel.)

Rhemann punching Zane was BADASS - thank FUCK the guy wasn't a student any more because that would have been a career ender.

Rhemann and Adi ;; I love them. I love Rhemann's floppy hat. I love that Jean gets the realisation that love IS possible, a relationship that LASTS is possible. That it's not out of his grasp. Even if he does keep thinking it is.

Also I keep thinking about this post and can you imagine how much they must have thought about it? When I forgot the date I so wanted them to go there and be part of it, but it's 3 years behind where we are in canon but... I mean... I still want something like that for them. They deserve it ;;

The kiss that should have been. Pissed it didn't happen, but also kind of glad? Neither of them are in the right head space to deal with it yet.

Hey, if Neil can't get Jeremy's paperwork from his mum, do you think LAILA'S DAD could?!

We need a memorial for Bark Bark. Maybe they took the picture that was in the kitchen on a phone and they can re-print it, put a black sash on the frame?

I really want to know what Andrew said to Renee in the interview. I mean shit went DOWN after that and I kind of forgot about this but I'm reliving he book backwards thanks to Nin's posts and I'm screaming mentally again XDD

Wymack thought last year was bad. He's probably having wistful feelings about how well last year went. Poor Wymack ;;

Hands up who hates that Kevin was really painfully right about how it's easier to be straight in sports? Hands up who hates that Kevin probably says that because of what happened to Jeremy and not what was done to Jean?

(Hands up who still loves Kevin even though his unlovable side made so many appearances in this, because we like complicated and faceted characters, and Kevin had a weird fucking life *raises hand*)

(Also holy backstory, he used to spend SO MUCH TIME with Tetsuji because Kayleigh fucking trusted him and he probably had her killed to keep Kevin. BLOOD. BOILING)

OKAY SO I theorised that Jeremy's banquet backstory had something to do with sex going wrong - being caught was a factor. Gay orgy on coke was not where my brain went. I'm still processing that there was a DRUNK GAY EXY ORGY EVERY BANQUET. Like... WHAT THE FUCK? XDD

Conners needs to die. Rhemann can bury his body in the vegetable patch. No one will ever know. Jeremy's pumpkins will be HUGE next year.

William is amazing and I would die for him. I'm also not opposed to killing for him... just putting it out there...

The pottery class where the fandom proved we know our boys because Jean was better than Jeremy who wanted to take it, exactly as prophesied. I need so much more of this class in book 3 btw.

ALSO THE ANONYMOUS TIP IS CLEARLY BRYSON! CAN WE YELL ABOUT THIS A BIT PLEASE? It's the only way he can hit back at being humiliated like that.

Had to pause and do Duolingo. Realised that Jean is literally the reason I'm re-learning French. Damn he's just THAT GOOD that not only fictional characters are falling over themselves to learn French for him.

Jean's wishing Kevin was dead so that he could follow him still hurts. I literally try to not think about it, hence it's this far down in the second rant but... I really can't blame Jean. As he said, Kevin slit his throat on the way out, and never tried to get him out KNOWING what would be happening to him. His anger is justified. His heartbreak is justified. And honestly, his desperate need for it to be over to the point of wishing another person harm just so they could break a promise... I get it. I get it. I hate that I get it.

Honestly Jean and Andrew have so many parallels at this point, but you can also see the wildly different directions they went in too.

The "Checkmate" line honestly made me need to stop reading and just absorb the moment. And try not to laugh. Because DAMN Kevin. Andrew would have been so proud of you if he heard that.

Jeremy hearing from people outside of his usual bubble that he's Court worthy was... I'm so scared what's gonna happen to him ;; To me he was always Olympic team with Kevin, Andrew, Neil, and Jean ;;

Jean having to have trans people explained to him and then he couldn't give a shit as long as it didn't affect their games. It's the most dismissive acceptance ever lmao.

The fact that Ravens have been killed in the past for not living up to expectations was a shock. I feel like it shouldn't have been, look at the shit that happened to Jean and Neil, but it still fucked me up for a moment. Like fuuuuuuuuuuuck it's so much worse than we even thought?!

Does Jean trust Neil or does he HAVE TO trust him? I hate that I can't quite decide which it is.

OKAY I DON'T KNOW HOW I FORGOT THAT JEAN'S MOTHER MURDERED AN ENTIRE FAMILY TO PROVE A POINT! Like FUCK Neil went through some shit but Nathan never did THAT!

[sixth-light]

Non-book-spoiler (or any spoiler) thoughts about Wheel of Time: I liked it a lot! So far it’s keeping a brisk pace, there’s enough exposition to keep track of what’s happening but not too much, the aesthetics of the show are gorgeous, and the cast are all very good as well as very well-cast. Plus people actually, you know, like each other, which is always my number one metric for whether I’m going to like a story. You do have to be in for a (at this stage) very LoTR-but-with-more-ladies epic fantasy show pastiche, but if that sounds like something you could enjoy, I think this is worth checking out. (Warnings wise: lots of violence, mostly heat-of-battle but one instance of implied torture, tasteful nudity.) 

Book spoiler territory (as well as a couple of show spoilers) below the cut:

My overall takeaway is that the people making this show like the books, understand what has made the books popular, and are trying to make their own visual interpretation of the books. They’re not afraid to make some very major changes but with one glaring exception (PERRIN) they are appropriate and logical changes for a compressed plotline and introducing key characters/worldbuilding notes in a structured way. I really liked one thing they did in episode three which was clearly structured to give book readers a real shock/surprise, while also being comprehensible and equally surprising for show-only viewers, while in retrospect directly adapting a canonical plot beat. That’s hard! 

The cast are all excellent and their acting and the script nail the characters even when the dialogue is new - there’s a lot of scenes where I knew that nobody had said or done that in the books, but if Rand or Egwene or whoever had done that or had that conversation...I believe that’s how it would have played out. The Moiraine-vs-the-Whitecloaks scene - SUCH a good demonstration of how the first oath works! I also really enjoy that instead of the boys all constantly complaining about the incomprehensibility of women, they talk to them! They don’t always come away understanding each other, but conversations are in fact happening. And some of the landmark scenes that are adapted fairly directly (e.g. Nynaeve sneaking up on Land and Moiraine, Egwene learning she can channel) are just great. I am so deep in the Lan/Nynaeve shipping hole already, and also the Egwene fangirl hole. SHE’S GOING TO BE THE AMYRLIN SEAT YOU GUYS. IT’S GOING TO BE SO GOOD.  

My main niggles are that they’ve made the Whitecloaks much more overtly violent and dangerous to Aes Sedai than they are in the books and I am...uncertain how this will play out longterm...and, of course, the Perrin Thing. Look, I don’t mind him being married, I love Laila being a blacksmith - it’s part and parcel of a concerted worldbuilding attempt to depict ~actual~ gender equality - but Perrin goes through it emotionally enough in the first two books without adding unintentional fridging to his list of Secrets To Be Sad And Self-Loathing About. And it is, unambiguously, fridging. They’re going to have to do a lot of work to pull that right. Thom’s first scene is also weird and OOC - Book!Thom would never steal from someone he’s never met to make...what point? That obviously skint people owe him money for busking? That was weird. His whole role and demeanour as an entertainer, someone deliberately trying to bring colour and joy into people’s lives, is gone. His other scenes were much better, though.  

On the flipside, the changes to Mat’s backstory make both his flaws and his virtues clearer and more meaningful from the get-go (he’s a bit of a nonentity for the first three books) and Barney Harris is very good, I am genuinely upset already that he’s leaving after this season. 

TL;DR I’m really upbeat about this? This could be really good? Fuck it’s definitely going to get cancelled after three seasons isn’t it

[codename-adler]

Hey! So I saw someone ask you for kevaaron recs and I saw the ones you recommended. I have read like more than half of those and I really like your taste (especially the one on Instagram, that one's great). So, I wanted to ask if you would give some of your favorite jerejean recs, since you also ship them. I don't have a problem with explicit scenes btw, but I don't prefer kerejean (I am sorry if that doesn't suit with you, but it's just not my thing)

This will be an honor and a pleasure!

All of these can be found on ao3, as they are from my personal bookmarks of Jerejean fics (12 in total, you can also find them regrouped on my dashboard @ codename_adler on ao3, just put the Jeremy Knox / Jean Moreau tag to filter down your research!)

I should also mention that these are all pretty long, triggering, explicit, mature and more or less canon compliant, considering how little we know in the books. To me, Jerejean is about healing and mending and finding solace in each other. If you're looking for something more... bright and AU-ish and short & sweet, I'm... yeah, not the right gal to ask. But please give these a shot, they are all so brilliant and beautiful!! ALSO, any Jerejean fic without Laila and Alvarez is lacking that quality content. I said what I said.

Alright, come on now!

Jerejean Fic Recs

Marrow Without Bone - exyfexyfoxes

First AFTG fic I ever read, first Jerejean fic I ever read, first ao3 fic I ever read... My first love. Always and forever in my heart.

(19 chapters, 79k, completed, M + TW + Explicit)

. When they laid Riko’s body to rest, the only thing Jean could think about was Kevin Day. Kevin Day, Castle Evermore, and the fragile blades of grass near his feet. He thought he must’ve been imagining their brightness, the absolute intensity of the iridescent neon bright fucking green of them.

Riko was dead.

-

'The Ravens never scouted me,' said Jeremy. He was bouncing his leg under the table. 'Didn’t you know why?' ''

playing on - flybbfly

Oh my god, they were roommates, but make it Jerejean with a bucket of angst, feels, trauma and sexual tension. So long. So slowburn. Yet never enough.

(31 chapters, 142k, completed, M + TW + Explicit)

(this one is also one of two fics that can only be accessed by registered users, make to have an ao3 account to read!)

" "Who knew California Golden Boy Jeremy Knox could play dirty?”

Jeremy grins. “Best kept secret on the west coast. Told you there was a western division striker who could dispossess you.”

“On a practice court, maybe," Jean says. "Try to get it away from me during a game.”

Jeremy leans back, bracing himself on gloved hands. “Luckily, I won't ever have to.”

In which Jean Moreau and Jeremy Knox play exy, share a dorm room, and accidentally insult each another a lot. "

philtatos - lydjah

A Jerejean getting together and healing fic with references to TSoA? It's more likely than you think. Hurts more than you think, too.

(5 chapters, 21k, completed, M + TW)

" Helping Jean Moreau heal is a game Jeremy Knox feels the stakes are too high to even consider the thought of losing. Jean’s first game as a Trojan against Edgar Allan feels like even higher stakes. Falling in love with Moreau - well, those are the highest stakes of all.

“You are his Achilles’ heel,” Laila whispers, in the dark, and her words bleed straight into the empty places in Jeremy’s heart. "

Quicksilver - lydjah

Alternate POVs between Jean and Jeremy, and so, so much love.

(5 chapters, 21k, completed, M + TW)+ Non-explicit sex)

" Jean’s first month at USC is nothing but darkness. Of course, he is used to this. The only colour Jean can anchor himself to in that time is Jeremy Knox’s bright, golden hair.

Fucking martyr, Jean thinks in savage French. "

Saturday Sun - bamboo_astronaut (A_Lesbian_With_Pink_Hair)

Setting beloved characters on the path to healing is its own form of therapy. I'm not even joking.

(1 chapter, 32k, completed, M + TW + Explicit)

" Jean Moreau arrives at USC bruised and battered, and Jeremy Knox is determined to help him heal from his painful past and welcome him to the Trojans with open arms. "

between hoping and believing - cryptickidprem

A soulmate AU!!!

(16 chapters, 47k, completed, pretty G-rated, slight TW bc duh it's Jean)

" Jean convinced himself a long time ago that he doesn't have a soulmate. Or maybe he just wants to believe that. Things would be easier if he was destined to be alone. It will at least hurt less when he inevitably winds up that way anyway.

And then there's Jeremy, who's been dreaming of meeting his match for years. For some reason, Jeremy seems determined to convince Jean that sometimes he might actually be able to have the things he hopes for, and that soulmate or no, Jean Moreau has people who will stick with him. "

Unholy Revelation - the_oxfordcomma

Brace yourselves. This isn't pretty. This isn't nice. But. Doesn't mean it's not worth it.

(1 chapter, 6k, completed, VERY M + TW + Explicit)

" Jeremy didn’t see the approaching Ravens. He was chattering away with Kevin and Matt Boyd, dazzling grin still in place from an hour ago when he’d climbed the stage to accept the award on behalf of his team for the final time. Although everyone in the room had known the Trojans would win, Jeremy still lit up with pride at the announcement, eyes sparkling as he squeezed Jean’s hand under the table. Jean had squeezed back.

Of course the Ravens would try and cast their shadow on the brightest thing in the room. "

Coupure Électrique - lscar123

The only uncompleted fic I'd recommend (last updated in 2017), although the last chapter ends in a way that could be a valid ending, which is why I'm putting it here anyways. The French is cringy but because the rest is so good it deserves a shot.

(21 chapters, 58k, incomplete, M + TW + Non-explicit sex)

" Jean and Jeremy spend the holidays together and learn more about each other than they ever could have imagined. "

Shield for a Heart - neilskey (spellitwithyourpeas)

Oh, the ansgt. Oh, the slowburn. Oh, my heart.

(16 chapters, 55k, completed, M + TW + Explicit)

" “It’s your choice, but you’re rotting away in here, Jean and no matter what she says, you can’t live in Abby’s spare bedroom forever. Time to start fighting again.”

Kevin’s hard and commanding tone was no surprise. The softness had been beaten out of him around the same time as Jean.

“What if I don’t want to anymore?”

Maybe it was because he had been half hidden in shadows-Jean had kept the shades drawn, but light still seeped in the cracks- but Jean thought he had seen something akin to understanding paint Kevin’s cool expression. “He’s gone. You survived. Play or don’t, it’s up to you, but you need to get out of this fucking house.” // Jean's first year at USC. Jeremy falls hard, Jean comes around eventually. "

He Could Taste the Stars - subtlehysteria

Yeah, there's a happy ending. But first, pain!

(25 chapters, 48k, completed, M + TW + Explicit)

" I am a Trojan. I go to USC, Jeremy Knox is my roommate, he has blue eyes, I have grey –

Jean recollected himself. Those were unimportant details. So why couldn’t he get the thought out of his head?

Jean is still adjusting to being a Trojan, Jeremy tries to help Jean open up to his new team. "

I Guess I Like You Like You - lazarusthefirst

This one goes pretty quickly into what matters and we like it like that.

(1 chapter, 7k, completed, M + TW + Explicit)

" ‘Even if it’s just sleeping, I’d rather do it in your room.’ "

Ask the Messenger - Metis_Ink

Second soulmate AU! But this one is very heavy... Made me cry. I cannot stress enough how sad and triggering this one is, even though it ends okay. Please be careful.

(5 chapters, 33k, completed, VERY M + TW + Explicit)

" Jeremy Knox and the soulmate.

Guest starring: Exy, a transfer student, generalized anxiety, older sisters, drunk lesbians, bread, cake, a shed, the beach, the absence of Hennessy, Star Wars, Renee Walker, self-taught smooth talking, gratuitous French, No. 1 Trojans fan Kevin Day, relationship drama, general drama, the power of Friendship, questions, answers, team spirit!, and, of course, romance. "

AND THERE YOU GO!

[solreefs]

Squirm

<- previous next ->

Summary: Statement of Laila Mansour on the death of Martin Laskonis, recorded June 18, 2031, by Postulant Thomas Schreiber of the Magnus Institute in Alexandria. Original statement given on November 1, 2029.

Warnings: infection, worms and the canon-typical level of grossness that comes with that, mentioned sex, and uhh people exploding kind of?

Tagging: @gay-otlc

Words: 1970

ao3

[CLICK]

Thomas: Statement of Laila Mansour on the death of Martin Laskonis, recorded June 18, 2031, by Postulant Thomas Schreiber of the Magnus Institute in Alexandria. Original statement given on November 1, 2029.

Statement begins.

Thomas (statement): Looking back, I wonder if maybe I could have saved him. Probably not, but part of me feels guilty anyway for what happened to Martin. Ridiculous, I know. I’m not the one who... infected him. But maybe if I had been there when it happened, I could have- I don’t know. Done something.

 I work in a general store near the docks. A lot of the customers there are sailors sent to pick up supplies for their crew, and that was how I met Martin Laskonis last year, in June. I helped him find what he needed, and we started talking. He told me he was working on a cargo ship scheduled to stay here for two weeks, and had never been to Alexandria before. I half-jokingly offered to show him around, he took me up on the offer, and we spent an amazing two weeks together. We both really liked each other, and towards the end of the two weeks, things got a little more serious. It was then that we came up with our arrangement.

There was definitely a spark between us, but Martin’s job meant he was constantly traveling, I felt at home in Alexandria in a way I hadn’t anywhere else, and neither of us wanted to completely change our lifestyles for someone we’d known for two weeks. So what we decided on was this: any time Martin had the opportunity to travel to Alexandria, he would try to take it, and we’d meet up again for however long he was there. If it had been a while since we’d seen each other, and Martin couldn’t get to Alexandria, we’d agree on somewhere else to meet. It was a bit unusual, I’ll admit, but it worked for us. We both valued our independence, and this allowed us to be in a relationship while still leading separate lives. It was an open relationship; we both sometimes saw other people when we weren’t together, but always looked forward to our next meeting.

We texted occasionally between meetings, but mostly just to arrange the next one. When we saw each other, we inevitably spent the first day or so catching up on each other’s lives, which I enjoyed infinitely more than texting.

Like I said, our partnership was unorthodox, but we were happy with it. We celebrated our anniversary of sorts this June by spending a week in Spain, and it sounds cheesy now, but I remember thinking This forever. This is how I want the rest of my life to be. I felt like I had finally found balance between connecting with other people and my love of privacy. And Martin seemed to feel the same way.

It’s crazy, that trip to Spain was only a little more than four months ago, but it feels like years.

It was the first week of October when this happened. I hadn’t seen Martin since August, so when he texted to tell me he would be in Alexandria for a few days, I was thrilled. He would be busy all of the first two days, so we planned to go out for dinner on the third day and talk about everything we’d been up to since we last saw each other. Martin was waiting outside the restaurant when I got there, and he kept looking over his shoulder. At first I thought he was looking for me, so I waved, but even after he saw me, he still seemed nervous. I asked what he was looking for, but he just laughed and said he thought he saw someone he knew. The restaurant was crowded, and Martin relaxed almost as soon as we were through the door.

Nothing noteworthy happened at dinner. I mean, we had a great time, and told each other some pretty weird stories, but nothing related to why I’m here.

Afterwards, we walked back to my place. The whole time, Martin stayed close to me and kept his arms wrapped tightly around himself, like he was cold, even though it was a warm night. And he kept scratching his arms. Something was clearly wrong, but I figured we could deal with it better once we were inside.

When we got to my apartment, I locked the door behind me, and Martin breathed a sigh of relief. I don’t live in a bad area, and Martin himself was prone to forgetting to lock doors and close windows and thought nothing of it, so this was what finally pushed me over the edge. I said I could tell something was bothering him, and if he didn’t want to talk about it right now, that was fine, but I didn’t want him to pretend nothing was wrong.

Martin went quiet for a moment, then told me he’d been attacked the first day he arrived in Alexandria. He’d been walking near the docks, when he saw someone facedown on the ground. He called out to them, and when the person sat up, he saw that it was a woman in a red dress. Martin started to ask her if she needed help, but before he could finish the question, she had pinned him up against the wall of one of the buildings. Martin’s pretty tall, and the woman was at least a full head shorter than him, but she moved fast, and was much stronger than her slight form would suggest. She held him there for a few seconds, and when Martin struggled, he felt a sudden, sharp pain in his stomach. He fell to the ground, and he said he couldn’t have been unconscious for more than a few seconds, but when he stood up, the woman was gone.

Martin hadn’t been able to quite get a good look at her, because it had all happened so fast, but he remembered there had been something wrong with her skin. It was covered in dark spots that looked almost like holes.

I asked him if he had been stabbed, and Martin said that’s what he had thought too, but he was uninjured except for some scrapes where he’d hit the ground.

Since then, Martin kept thinking he saw that woman everywhere, and every time he did, his skin would get so itchy it felt like something was moving underneath it. He felt nauseous almost all the time as well, and had tried to see a Medica the day before, but they could find nothing physically wrong. He was almost certain that the itching and nausea were simply a stress reaction to his strange experience, but this realization had done nothing to actually lower his anxiety, and if anything, the symptoms were getting worse.

I felt terrible for having even brought this up, and I started to apologize, but Martin surprised me by thanking me for letting him talk about it. He said he felt better having gotten it all out, and I asked him if he wanted some coffee, and that was that. We talked for a while longer about nothing in particular, and then headed to the bedroom.

We had sex. There’s really nothing more to say about that. We were laying in bed afterwards, when I felt something in Martin’s shoulder move. Not like he was moving, more like there was something twitching under his skin. I sat up and tried to get a better look at his shoulder, but could see nothing. Martin absently scratched the spot and rolled over onto his side. I relaxed a little, and started to lay back down, when Martin suddenly sat bolt upright with a cry of pain and clutched his stomach. I offered to get him some painkillers from the bathroom, but he shook his head. He kept trying to tell me something, but was in too much pain to really get the words out, and I told him I was calling an ambulance. I had left my phone in the kitchen, and got up to go get it, and it was right as I was dialing the hospital’s number that I heard it.

It was a sickening cracking noise, like an egg breaking open and something horribly slimy emerging from it. I stumbled back to the bedroom, clutching the phone like a lifeline, rambling into the receiver about Martin’s nausea and the itching, until I stepped through the bedroom doorway.

My grip loosened, and the phone slid from my fingers onto the floor. I fell back against the wall, my legs shaking too badly to hold me up.

The sheets of the bed were soaked in blood and something else that I can only describe as some kind of mucus. Martin was not there, no, the pile of pitted, bloody flesh that lay at the end of the bed was not Martin, not anymore. The worst of it, though, was the worms.

They covered everything, the bed, the floor, the walls, even the ceiling. There were so many of them, had they had all come from Martin? They writhed and squirmed in a way that made me sick and yet drew me in. I stood paralyzed, watching them move and twist for… I don’t know how long. Until the sound of the ambulance siren shocked me back to reality.

I don’t know what I told the paramedics, but it can’t have made much sense; I was panicking, ranting about worms and blood and women in red dresses, and I think I passed out at one point, because I remember waking up in a hospital bed with no clear recollection of how I got there.

The hospital Medicas let me go, said there was nothing physically wrong, but that I had obviously been through something, and one of them gave me her therapist friend’s business card. I still have it, I think. Maybe I’ll use it. I don’t know.

That’s everything. That’s how Martin died. That’s the statement.

I thought it would help to tell you my story. But I’ve written the whole thing down, and I’m still just as confused and horrified by everything that happened as I was before I came here.

You will investigate this, right? The woman who did this to Martin, she’s still out there. If you can find her…

Thomas: Statement ends.

[deep breath]

This statement matches the last known location of Jane Prentiss. There is no evidence that the previous Archivist ever followed up on Laila Mansour’s statement.

I need to talk to Wolfe.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

Wolfe: Another victim of Jane Prentiss?

Thomas: It’s possible. She did have sex with someone who was definitely infected.

Wolfe: All right. I need to make some calls.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[typing]

Wolfe: [sighs]

[papers shuffling]

[more typing]

[footsteps]

Santi: You weren’t kidding about this place. It’s a goddamn maze.

Wolfe: Mm. It was worse a month ago.

Santi: And I thought Artifact Storage was bad. Were the statements even read, or just thrown in here at random? [he picks up a file]

Wolfe: I wouldn’t touch that.

Santi: [pause] All right. [he sets the file down]

[typing]

Santi: Did you ever meet the previous Archivist?

Wolfe: No. He practically lived in the Archives from what I could gather, and he always sent assistants if we needed any help with research. I never even learned his name.

[pause]

And now he’s dead.

Santi: Probably had a shelf collapse on him. I’m surprised it took forty years.

Wolfe: [slight laugh] That’s not funny.

Santi: Sure it is. Ready to leave?

Wolfe: Gods, yes. [he stands up]

Santi: Did you mean to leave this running?

Wolfe: Hm? No, you can turn it off.

[CLICK]

[emojihobi]

Ahhh sorry for ranting , just...AFTG gives me so many headaches and thoughts ( got a whole tag if u wanna check lol)

Nicky.... I could talk about how wasted his character was for years..

One of THE ONLY CANON POC CHARACTERS AND HE IS THE "EXOTIC" PUSHY GAY STEROTYPE??! HE WENT TO CONVERSION THERAPHY ,HE STILL HAS GUILT BC HE CANT GIVE UP ON HIS PARENTS EVEN AFTER THEY HURT HIM ( very relatable lol) he mf..gave up being with his love to care for his cousin bc he never wanted anyone to go though what his parents did when he was so so young...

He WAS THE FIRST TO ASK ALLISON IS SHE WAS OKAY AFTER SETHS DEATH EVEN THO HE OBVIOUSLY DIDNT HAVE TO..

Okay oof..sorry..anyways wanna scream ur headcanons at me ?

I KNOOOOW nicky could've been so good but all the gross rapey stuff like...cool great way to write the only gay poc Nora 😒

My old not kpop blog had more aftg stuff on it but I forgot the password to it so rip me 💀💀

I thought Kevin/thea was weird bc like...she was in college when he was growing up and i dont know how they would even work since she still is indoctrinated with the raven mindset u kno?

Also neil and Andrew went to the courthouse to get married (for tax reasons Andrew says) and only brought Renee as witness bc she wouldn't tell anyone

Lowkey I cant remember a lot of my headcanons but Renee, Matt, Dan, wymak, and Kevin are all poc and like I said before Renee and Allison are girlfriends and Jean and Jeremy are boyfriends (I like reading fics abt jeans year at usc bc Laila and Alvarez are in it too). Oh and also aaron gets the stick out of his ass and is like hey maybe being gay isn't actually that bad (its bc Kaitlyn pegs him for thr first time she fucks the homophobia out of him)

[xlady-saya]

if magic exists, you’re the closest thing [fic]

Relationships: andrew/neil, jerejean, side aaron/katelyn, side alvarez/laila

Summary: The concept of love is not one Andrew understands.

For a long time, it escaped him. It's always fuzzy, always distorted. He'd given up on it long ago, so why is he still chasing answers?

Whatever the reason, he's content to blame Jean Moreau for a lot of things, Katelyn too.

It's their fault he's here, at the happiest place on earth.

Tags: disneyland fic, andrew thinks a lot about love, fluff, comfort, references to canon abuse/past

Read on AO3!

Andrew never liked the concept of time travel; there’s no one distinct moment he’d go back to personally, no tragic world event he’d try to stop like in the movies.  

However, due to today’s events, he might just forgo that opinion to say he’d gladly go back to make sure Disneyland never existed.

Then, maybe he wouldn’t have to listen to Kevin’s nagging.

"You two cannot blow off Jeremy Knox!" Kevin rages, hands planted on the kitchen counter as Neil deftly works around him. Andrew's not quite sure what he's doing; he asked Neil for some ice cream a few minutes ago, and the sounds of clattering dishes and spoons are way more interesting than whatever Kevin is saying.

Andrew leans back into his beanbag chair, content to demolish Aaron in Mario Kart in the meanwhile.

"Yes we can," Neil says, like it's the simplest thing in the world. Andrew almost smirks.

It is; there's no way in hell Kevin's making them go to Disneyland on top of scouting recruits in California. Andrew doesn't understand why Queen Day can't just make another pit stop in Los Angeles after visiting the other recruit he has lined up in Washington.

Andrew exhales slowly, trying his best to keep his attention on the screen while he thinks about Neil. He's not sure when that became so difficult.

Alas, Andrew knows why he's being forced back to California. Neil cares far too much about Exy and his duties as vice-captain to miss out on something so essential. He picked out some of these recruits this time around, and he wants to see them in action. However, in this case it's not even one of his picks, and all they need to do is drop off paperwork. Neil has been trying, futilely, to convince Andrew he doesn't need to come.

The consideration is appalling. Andrew's grip on his controller is enough to make the plastic creak. Neil knows all too well California is a sore spot for him, but not the area they're going. Andrew couldn't care less.

Besides...Andrew's not letting Neil travel that far all alone.

Nothing, not even his past, is going to keep Andrew from going with him to make sure he doesn't die or worse. It wouldn't be a problem if Kevin were accompanying him, but he's got his own recruits to scout.

Neil is capable, Andrew thinks. He doesn't need protection, but it won't stop Andrew from offering it.

He chooses not to think about how one day, he'll have no choice but to stay behind. One day, he'll live apart from Neil and have to trust that he'll be okay.

He swallows down the dread he doesn't want to acknowledge, and claims first place.

"Motherfucker," Aaron spits, but immediately clicks the next level for them. If he can sense Andrew's mood, he doesn't comment, but...this helps.

And then he hits Andrew with a blue shell, and Andrew has to wonder why he shared a womb.

Andrew channels the uncertainty elsewhere, like kicking Aaron's ass and listening to Neil wave Kevin off. The rest of the time, he blames his nerves on the five hour flight he'll have to make in the very near future.

"We're not going," Neil says again, firmer this time. It's a tone that always sends Andrew's protective instincts into overdrive, Neil's temper flaring. But, it's just Kevin, which means there's more amusement than danger at play here.

Neil simply doesn't want to deal with it, so Andrew finds his voice. "Fuck off."

Kevin sputters, no doubt whipping around to where Andrew is sitting. He's not sure why Jeremy Knox is so set on taking them to Disneyland, but Andrew doesn't care enough to think about it. He's trying to do the bare minimum on their trip, and the USC Trojans are trying to make life difficult.

As Kevin groans on, Andrew hears the slightest indication of Neil stepping towards him. Neil's walk is distinct, in that it's nonexistent. Andrew often tests his hearing on how well he can sense Neil's approach.

And then, Neil is in front of him, and the world narrows until it's just Neil, crouched down with a bowl in his hands. Andrew hates what he's begun to call the Neil Effect, since it really has no concrete explanation, at least not an acceptable one. He gets second place in the game, and ignores Aaron's gloating for once. He'll get him back later.

There's something proud in Neil's eyes, self-directed, and that's when Andrew looks down to the bowl of ice cream.

Ah, now he remembers.

They hadn't been able to go grocery shopping, so the only thing in the freezer was boring vanilla. Disappointing, but Andrew's sweet tooth didn't care at the time. He needed dessert, no matter how lackluster.

However, this isn't just vanilla ice cream. There's large chunks of Snickers and peanut butter cups mixed in, haphazardly so, but well enough that someone obviously put in the effort.

Someone being...

Andrew looks between the bowl and Neil's steadily brightening expression, unwilling to linger on the fact Neil took the time to become a Cold Stone apprentice for the sole purpose of pleasing Andrew. It's all a waste though, because when he takes the bowl from Neil's hands, the reluctant words come out anyways.

"You're it for me."

It's not really a confession, since Andrew has known this for a while, but it still stings his pride a bit.

Neil blinks at him, tilting his head in that way that has Andrew glaring extra hard. "Hm?"

"Nothing."

He shoves the biggest spoonful he can manage into his mouth, and deserves the icy burn he gets for it.

Thankfully, before Neil can pry, Kevin is back at it again. Andrew's not sure if it's for better or worse.

The Queen himself rounds on them, blocking the television. "One of the best strikers from one of the top teams invited you to hang out for the day," he says, solely at Neil. He knows well enough that Andrew doesn't care about ranks. "How does that not excite you?"

An appropriate question, though. Why wouldn't it excite Neil?

"I don't know anything about Disneyland."

Neil plops down next to Andrew, indifference well conveyed. However, Andrew knows better. The restlessness in Neil's muscles is slight, but not surprising. There's a lot of things Neil doesn't know about, and while he normally wouldn't care, the idea of a place known for crowds of people probably isn't something Neil wants to explore.

It's not like the striker grew up with any exposure to the hundreds of movies or songs.

"It's an amusement park you loser," Aaron chimes in, and Neil scowls at him. Andrew pauses mid bite, surprised. A little. His brother's brand of comfort is the exact opposite of the what the word entails; it's a contrary, scathing thing, nearly as bad as Andrew's. But Andrew can detect it still, and that was definitely it.

Not that Neil would know though. The striker crosses his arms and sticks out his tongue, but Aaron's attention is already on getting Kevin the fuck out of his way.

"I don't care, I don't want to go," Neil responds petulantly, the words eaten up by the harsh impact of a pillow hitting Kevin's stomach.

At least he moves enough for Aaron's game to resume.

In the middle of Neil's protests, the door opens, admitting another one of Andrew's problems.

And she's unpredictable on top of it.

"Hi sweetie," Katelyn calls, punctuated by the slam of the front door. Andrew tries not to cringe at the name, nor his brother's dreamy sigh as Katelyn waves at them all. She walks over to kiss Aaron on the cheek before her attention is back on Neil's constipated face, which she blows past without a second thought. Oh, to be a cheerleader. "Go where?"

Kevin tears his gaze away from Aaron at the reminder. "Neil, you have to go to Disneyland, just fucking deal with it. You might be able to get some helpful pointers from Jeremy. Plus, don't you want to check on Jean?"

A cheap trick, and one that absolutely sours Andrew's mood despite the sweetness in his mouth. The protective itch is back from hearing Moreau's name, and he tugs Neil a little closer out of necessity.

Another reason for them not to go: Andrew's not sure he can stop himself from murdering the ex-Raven. Victim of Riko or not, he'd put his hands on Neil.

"If he wasn't doing okay I'm sure he would've reached out on his own," Neil counters, seeing through Kevin's appeal to sympathy. Neil, while he gets along with Jean better now, doesn't worry about him nearly as much as Kevin does.

Kevin can visit him then, if he's so curious.

As if Andrew said the words aloud, Kevin's stare intensifies. "Are you kidding--"

"Wait," Katelyn interrupts without care, and Andrew actually looks at her. He's been giving her that privilege a lot more now. Not everyone is dumb or brave enough to cut Kevin off, and even the striker looks impressed. Andrew's immediately thrown by the quality of her stare, the determination. Neil makes a strained noise in the back of his throat, and well, he does know Katelyn better. "You guys are talking about Disneyland? Like...Disneyland Disneyland?"

The existence of a knock-off Disneyland is certainly a topic Andrew will explore with Neil later.

"Oh no," Aaron whispers, and that's all the warning they get.

Neil leans further into Andrew's personal space, almost guarding. Like he senses the catastrophe too. "Uhh, yeah?"

Katelyn screams.

Andrew's hand on the back of Neil’s neck keeps him from jumping out of their seat, but Katelyn's got a one track mind as she rushes for him, plopping down on the ground as Aaron checks his ears for ringing.

The only satisfying part is that Katelyn pushes Kevin out of the way in the process. He goes reeling back with a yelp, very unbecoming of royalty.

"Oh my god! Neil you have to go, it's so fun!" Katelyn cheers, clapping her hands together softly. She chooses then to show Neil her backpack, adorned with about 100,000 Disney pins. Just an estimate.

As if Neil knows what any of them are. Neil barely blinks at Elsa's face before Katelyn's back to talking his ear off. "I've been trying to get Aaron to go with me for months but we don't ever have the time. I have a super long list of stuff I want! If I give you the money will you get them for me?"

Katelyn bites her lip rather hard then, like she almost let a 'please' slip, and Andrew doesn't try to think about the consideration. Katelyn clasps her hands together instead, like a plea.

Andrew figures the only reason her forehead isn't on the floor is because she knows better than to have any faith in a boys' dorm room.

"Whoa, whoa," Neil says, raising his hands in the face of Katelyn's puppy eyes. "I'm not going--"

The puppy eyes turn into those of a Rottweiler. Andrew doesn't know why all his previous judgements are being so twisted on this mediocre Thursday night, but whatever.

"Neil," Katelyn breathes, patience tested. "It's the happiest place on Earth."

Andrew's eyes flit to Neil's, communicating the same thing: bullshit.

Neil's confused expression falls into downright boredom, watching Andrew swirl the remains of his dessert. "Katelyn, I don't know how to tell you this, but I actually don't care."

Aaron wheezes at the same time Katelyn deflates.

"Josten--"

"B-but..." Katelyn turns her shining eyes on Aaron, cutting off his warning like a shiv. Andrew almost doesn't want to watch his brother be this pathetic. "Aren't I right, babe? Neil just has to experience it, he has to!"

Andrew hears Kevin open a bag of chips.

"I--um," Aaron tries, glancing between Neil and Katelyn's pout. It takes him about...two attempts to make words. "Yeah Josten, you have to."

"Wow," Kevin mutters, off to the side.

Neil glares at Aaron's weakness, but he had to know Aaron would be useless from the start. Aaron can't say no to his girlfriend.

What a loser.

"Katelyn, I'm not going," Neil tries again, dutifully not looking at the Disney-vomit backpack Katelyn keeps inching closer to him. "Andrew and I are just stopping by to drop off paperwork for one of Kevin's new recruits and that's it."

Kevin takes a deep breath, like he remembers he started this argument in the first place, but is cut off by Katelyn's backpack hitting the floor.

Neil is the only one who seems to take it as a threat, and he holds up a hand for Kevin to shut up. Now, Andrew knows most mafia movies are unrealistic and stupid, but he thinks he's had enough actual exposure to make a good guess.

This feels like some kind of standoff between two troublesome redheads, and he meets Aaron's confused stare with his blank one.

He wishes everyone would get out of his dorm.

"Okay, I get it," Katelyn says slowly, words spaced out by deep breaths for effect. Andrew would think she's a theater major, not biology. Neil watches Katelyn's hands fold in front of her, eyes hard. "I didn't want to have to do this."

Neil quirks a brow, somewhat amused.

"Neil."

"Katelyn."

"You owe me," she says, and the room freezes. Owe. Haha. That's a very dangerous word to toss around in the presence of Andrew Minyard, especially concerning his boyfriend who he's sworn to protect. Andrew turns on her with a frown, but she's undeterred by his ominous stance, fixed solely on Neil. "From the time. With the thing."

Katelyn flips her wrist back and forth then, an almost meaningless gesture, and no one knows what she's talking about

Except for Neil.

The striker's face goes red, and Andrew chooses then to squeeze the back of his neck tighter. Neil's not panicking, Andrew knows, but it's an instinct. Katelyn's smug smile is starting to piss him off, and he shakes Neil sharply.

"Neil," he says, voice even despite the tension in his limbs. "What--"

"We're going to fucking Disneyland," Neil says with a groan, slumping into the edge of the beanbag chair. He looks far from distressed, more...like he's been bested.

Katelyn cheers, jumping up to hug Aaron, who still has no idea what's going on.

Same.

"I'll get my list ready!" Katelyn rips out her science notebook, nearly tearing some neatly written equations. Not that she cares, in the moment. "Oh Neil, you're the best!"

Andrew drags Neil by the chin until their gazes meet, and Andrew hates when Neil looks sheepish. It means he's up to no good. "Neil, she can't force you to--"

"She's not forcing me," Neil sighs, tugging Andrew's sleeve until he lets their fingers link together. Neil's smile is rueful as he slots his eyes over to where Katelyn is scribbling on her homework, and he makes sure no one is watching when he slides Andrew's hand against his cheek. "Trust me when I say...I made the bed I'm about to lie in. I honor my deals too. Okay?"

Neil is such a problem, because he knows Andrew too well. He grinds his teeth, but he comes up with no argument. It's Katelyn, so it's not like the deal Neil made is anything life threatening or degrading, but Andrew's curiosity is annoying regardless.

Maybe when his pride dies down a little, he'll ask.

"Whatever you say," he scoffs, but keeps Neil's hand tucked against his side. "I still didn't agree to--"

Andrew looks down to where Neil fiddles with his shackle bracelet, still shining around his wrist because of how well the striker takes care of it. Neil tilts his head, and oh, oh no.

Andrew glares at the offending gift, given by his own hands and delicately tied around Neil's wrist. If he knew it would be this much of a weakness, he would've thrown it in the ocean.

"Andrew?" Neil asks, squeezing his hand, and Andrew doesn't know what to do other than curse Katelyn, himself, and then Walt Disney.

"I hate you," he mutters, and Neil's all too happy to hear it.

--

It takes Andrew about five minutes or so to determine that Jean Moreau is in love with Jeremy Knox.

It takes even less time for Andrew to decide he doesn't give a fuck. In fact, Andrew's not sure why he notices in the first place. He doesn't care about those things, but maybe it's just that they're so obvious, Andrew's can't help but pick up on it.

The long glances, the way Jeremy keeps reaching up to fix the stupid headband on Jean's head...

Gross.

The landscape in Andrew's mind has a tremble in it today, so there's no way for him to tell for sure why the two of them are so apparent to him. The air around him gives him a lot of things to linger on; disjointed laughter, cheery music, and less upsetting, the smell of fried desserts. It ties a rope around his brain and leads him in different directions, leaving only Neil as his weight. No wonder the Jean Moreau shitshow managed to slip in there somewhere.

Andrew doesn't even have the energy to be annoyed at that, at his inability to reign himself in and decide what to cast aside or focus on. His gaze scans the massive crowd in front of him, behind him, painfully aware that he's surrounded.

That Neil is surrounded.

He sighs, and the sound makes his boyfriend flinch in relief. Like he forgot Andrew was there, and is now all too happy that he is.

Calm down, junkie.

Andrew's fingers itch for a cigarette, but that ship had sailed as soon as he stepped through the Disneyland entrance. He thinks this, but he's actually not particularly anxious. He's not Neil, who needs to know all the quickest ways out of a place and who takes a large crowd as an invitation to slip in and disappear.

That's mostly where the itch comes from, Andrew realizes with only some irritation; he's hyper-aware of Neil, and all his reactions. The striker keeps glancing around at the streams of people, the bright colors and signs inviting them to a landscape with no laws or reason.

It should be everything Neil hates, and Andrew watches his blue eyes trace the cobblestone and directories.

"Beautiful isn't it!" Jeremy gestures to the road leading up to main street, and some of the tension in Jean's shoulders notably dissipates. "Did you know Disneyland brings in an average of--"

"50,000 people a day," Jean deadpans, as if the thought still makes him queasy. He gets a genuine laugh out of Jeremy for it, so Andrew guesses that was the point all along.

Andrew remembers everything, and he did not need that useless fact. But alas, now it's stuck.

Neil's body is surprisingly still beside him. Calm.

Andrew pauses, waiting for Neil to show some sign that he can't handle this. It's not a reflection of any kind of weakness Andrew thinks he has, he simply knows that sometimes Neil pushes himself where he shouldn't. Andrew considers this a loophole in their non-finalized deal. He lets Neil fight his own battles, but Andrew is not afraid to step in and put a stop to the ones Neil doesn't know he's in.

But, to Andrew's unintentional relief, Neil doesn't look two seconds from a panic attack. The striker’s face settles into a deadpan expression, a habit stolen from Andrew himself. There's no tremble, or fidgeting, or sign to tell Andrew to drag Neil back to their hotel and hole him up there.

Neil simply looks fucking done, and Andrew couldn't agree more.

Their unfortunate companions are there to remind them it's only the beginning.

"Oh my god, what should we do first?" Jeremy Knox babbles, stupid Mickey ears on his head, and Andrew watches with only some amusement as Neil leans back an inch in fear. The striker never did know what to do with genuinely happy people. Katelyn, he's come to understand based on the things they have in common. Their protective instincts and tempers ghost over her sheltered lifestyle and talkativeness, though Andrew still doesn't get how Neil stands her. Renee he simply hadn't trusted; Neil had seen the darkness beneath the smiles, but in time, he'd come to trust and value her as well.

Jeremy Knox is a different story, and currently even Andrew doesn't know how to feel about him. Such optimism and ignorance to the real world are things Andrew would normally write off in a person, but there's something swimming beneath the surface in Jeremy Knox's eyes that has him rethinking.

In short, Andrew gets the vibe that if pushed far enough, Jeremy Knox might actually have the capacity to snap over Disneyland. Disneyland.

That kind of madness is something Andrew can't help but recognize in people, and he keeps an eye on Neil as a result. He should've known; who gets custom Disney ears the color of their fucking school?

"Uh..." Neil tries, but he's apparently speechless. Andrew reaches down to tug on Neil's belt loop, and he won't ever say it's out of comfort. Neil takes it like one though, scooting closer, and the urge for nicotine is less powerful for a moment.

There's no avoiding it, and he despises feeling trapped. They're going to have to spend their whole day here. It really isn't their kind of place, but Andrew has not right to wonder how they got roped into this.

Andrew glares at Neil’s bag. He didn’t bring it for them.

That's why they're here, because Neil has a two-page souvenir list in his backpack courtesy of Aaron's girlfriend.

Andrew's scowl returns at the memory, and he turns it on Jean.

Just because.

"Jean, what's your favorite ride?" Jeremy asks, eyes shining. Neither Andrew nor Neil asked for the recommendation.

"Indiana Jones," Jean answers, seemingly without thinking too hard on it, and his eyes shine when Jeremy beams.

"Mine too!"

Gag.

Andrew's opinion of Jean Moreau has not improved over the past year. Andrew promised Neil he wouldn't confront the man while they were actually at the park, but it's a talk Andrew will eventually have if he has anything to say about it.

He's different though, that much Andrew can tell. The backliner still curls in on himself, making himself as small as can be despite his height. The tattooed '3' is dark against his pale skin, but the sun has taken out some of the starkness. Jean always keeps his hands in front of himself, as if ready to guard against an attack, but his shoulders are less stiff around his new team.

They're observations, nothing more. Andrew couldn't care less about Jean Moreau's life or happiness. It's all his own to deal with, but Andrew cannot ignore the changes, since they mirror Neil's own.

Speaking of Neil...

He's still trying to find a polite way of telling Jeremy he has zero clue about what Disneyland has to offer, and Andrew notes that Neil must've sensed it too: Jeremy's batshit opinion about this place. Otherwise Neil would never hold back the usual bluntness.

Andrew would pay to see it.

Jean tugs one of Jeremy's Mickey ears, gesturing to the entrance. "The girls are here."

Neil's demeanor breathes a little when he sees Laila and Alvarez approaching; he likes them, and even Andrew knows they're not nearly as annoying as their teammates. They're walking hand in hand, the same Trojan ears glistening on their heads.

What is it with these people?

Andrew lets the greetings fall into the background, but can't say he feels awful when Laila cracks some dumb Exy pun, making the edge of Neil's lips twitch in a smile.

Another thing the girls have to offer: they seem to know when Jeremy is about to launch into another tirade.

"Jeremy cool it," Alvarez says, holding Jeremy back by the hoodie before he can get anywhere further into Neil's bubble. "Neil's not going to remember everything about all the different sections, just let him explore."

For a split second, Jeremy's face scrunches up, like he ate something foul. "He needs to know not to go to....that place."

Laila rolls her eyes. "You mean Star Wars--"

"Stop."

Laila turns her aggravated stare on her girlfriend, but all Alvarez offers is a shrug. "He's right."

Neil turns to Andrew as if he'll understand, but he does not.

Jeremy's eyes flit around the park to all the decorations, the crowd a sea of Mickey ears, planning out where to drag them. And the rest of them allow it. Team dynamics don't interest Andrew much, but they're not following Jeremy out of fear. They're treating this journey, along with Jeremy's eccentricities, as inevitable and maybe even endearing.

Andrew wants to leave.

Then Jeremy gasps, staring down at his empty hands. "Neil, you and Andrew have never been here right? Maybe I should've gotten you a map, for the experience, you know?" Then Jeremy tilts his head up, in that haughty way Kevin might after lecturing them on an exy skill he acquired. "It's fine though, I know where everything is. You're in good hands!"

Andrew seriously doubts that.

"Oh, that reminds me!" Jeremy says, plopping his giant backpack on the floor. Andrew wonders if he packed for the possibility of them being stuck there for eternity. It's a gift for Jeremy Knox to be able to make Andrew's day that much worse. He pulls out two custom sets of ears from his backpack, styled in white and orange. Palmetto colors.

No.

"You guys can match," Jeremy says with a wink, and Neil looks torn. On one hand they're orange, on the other hand they're absurd.

But of course, Neil's obsession wins over, and he grabs for a pair of ears without hesitation.

Andrew can't.

"I'm not wearing those," Andrew states, uncaring of how the rest of them flinch. Neil's the only one not surprised, but he's giving Andrew that face, and Andrew has to hold himself back from telling Neil to stop.

We're in public, control yourself.

But Neil just sighs, fixing the ears to his head. They clash with Neil's reddish-brown hair, bright and sparkly.

Andrew hates being gay.

He ignores Jean's glare as Jeremy holds the other pair of ears to his chest. More evidence, Andrew realizes, and the pathetic kind too. Jean can't stand the thought of someone hurting his not-boyfriend's feelings.

"O-oh," Jeremy says, but his smile is back, undeterred. He spins to face Neil, who miraculously, doesn't flinch. "Well, I guess I'll wear them then! Neil, you and I can match! I don't want you to be alon--"

The stream of consciousness in Andrew's head comes to a jarring halt, tires screeching.

Unacceptable, absolutely not. He doesn't even have a moment to think about why, or stop himself from being so ridiculous.

He snatches the ears from Jeremy's hands and puts them on, refusing to meet Neil's smug stare.

"Shut up."

And thankfully, Neil does, but others do not.

"He's as bad as you babe," Laila whispers behind him, and he practically feels the heat radiating off Alvarez.

"Can it."

Andrew catches Jean's sigh of relief in his peripheral, and isn't quite sure why he agreed to not kill him in the happiest place on Earth.

"You guys look great!" Jeremy comments, but Andrew is already walking ahead, eager to be anywhere else.

That, and he's pretty sure the churros are this way.

Neil keeps up with him easily, given his strong legs, even knowing Andrew is deliberately trying to not look at him. Neil's gaze is a warm, affectionate thing, one Andrew will never be used to. Neil's so distracted, he almost trips, and Andrew hooks his arm around Neil's waist to right him. They're connected for merely a second, but Andrew's arm feels like it's on fire.

"Focus," he growls, but Neil doesn't take it as a threat. He never does.

"Mm, I can't," Neil says. "I like them. I like them on you."

"They're hideous."

"So our uniforms are hideous?"

"Yes."

They reach the churros, and Neil buys him three.

Jeremy starts to babble again as Andrew digs in, and Andrew can't help but notice he buys Jean one without being asked. The ex-Raven doesn't look super pleased with the sweetness, but he eats it anyways.

And throughout all the chatter, Jean won't stop staring right at Jeremy.

Why does Andrew keep noticing? He might just be able to blame Katelyn for that too.

Ever since he picked her up from Eden's, she's been responsible for a lot of unacceptable thoughts in his head. All because of one, stupid line of reasoning.

"I know, I know a lot of people use the word and they don't mean it, or they don't act like it but...that's on them. That's not real love, the actual thing, the definition. Just because people use the word incorrectly doesn't mean the feeling isn't real."

Real love. Already, there's so many things wrong with that phrase. Katelyn doesn't see it as subjective, Andrew doesn't see it as anything at all. Devotion, protective, consideration...they are all things people would perhaps put towards the definition, but they neglect the absences as well. Absence of hurt, of blame, of judgement.

That's the half so many people don't get right, and even if they do, Andrew cannot see how it could be wrapped up in a word.

He watches Jean sigh and lean into Jeremy's sphere, and thinks of how his brother looks at Katelyn. It's eerily similar.

Andrew would not use the word love normally, so he reaches in to pluck Katelyn's idiotic definition out from the past to see if it applies. The pretty parts are there; Jeremy is constantly aware of Jean's presence, careful to steer him to the edges of crowds, to check if he's alright. On the opposite end of things, Jean just looks like he'd burn the so called happiest place on Earth to the ground if it meant being able to listen to Jeremy's prattle.

He's not willing to analyze much more than that, not with Neil by his side. It puts pressure on the stone in him, dropped there by Katelyn that night at Eden's and steadily growing with every moment he spends around his boyfriend.

"I think we should definitely go on Indy though," Jeremy says, leaning in to take a bite of Jean's churro. It's so stupidly romantic Andrew wants to vomit. "I want to see Jean get scared again!"

The girls smirk, though a minute later Alvarez is teasing Laila just the same. Jean's face is colored red, not with shame, but innocent embarrassment. Not becoming of a Raven, but then again, Jean never wanted to be one.

"I was not scared, I had never been on the ride before!" Jean crosses his arms, and his teammates look at him in the way the Foxes look at Neil. Complete adoration.

"It scared him to death," Jeremy says to Andrew and Neil, trying very poorly to whisper.

And, without breaking eye contact with Jean, Andrew says: "If only."

Because really, if only.

Jean's the only one besides Neil who takes the statement as intended, as in completely seriously. The backliner's face goes white, staring at Andrew and waiting for it to be a joke. He has to know deep down it's not.

Jeremy holds his stomach from how hard he's laughing. "Ha! You're a riot Andrew," he wheezes, and Neil regards him as neutrally as he can. It's hard, when Jeremy sounds like a dying seagull.

Andrew pulls out his phone, avoiding Neil's gaze. Technically, he only promised not to physically confront Jean at Disneyland, nothing else. "That's me, comedy king."

Without looking up, Andrew opens his notes app and sidesteps Jeremy until he's closer to Jean. He has no qualms about calmly typing out the words 'I despise you' before showing it to him.

Honestly, no other Raven is this easy to read, but Andrew supposes it has more to do with Jean's complete revival than anything else.

Jean reads the message, blinks, looks at Neil as if to confirm his suspicions, and then nods slowly.

Well, now he knows. It'll be a good way to put a pin in things for now.

When Andrew walks back over to his churro holder (see: Neil), the redhead is shaking his head, grin way fonder than it should be.

--

It takes around fifteen minutes for them to ditch the group, and for Andrew to stuff his pair of ears into Neil's backpack to never see the light of day again.

It's absurdly easy, they barely have to duck into the crowd or put their heads down. Despite Jeremy's insistence that Andrew and Neil see all there is to see, he'd hardly taken his eyes off Jean. In fact, the two are so engrossed in each other they barely notice the girls, who seem to weirdly not mind.

Jeremy is the talker, and Jean is only too happy to go along with it, soaking in every nonsense opinion even when he seems to not understand the relevance or importance. Andrew wonders if this so called 'love' truly makes people that uncaring, but then again, he knows it does. He's watched his brother fawn over every dumb little detail of Katelyn's life. Once, she'd gone on a ten minute tangent about her colored pencil coordinated note taking system. Aaron had been fascinated, not because he cared about the content of the words, but because of Katelyn herself.

Andrew doesn't understand, but his mind conjures up the image of Neil peeking over the top of a bus seat, the hours floating by.

They find a good spot to sit down on Main Street near the castle, perfect for the people watching Neil likes to do. Andrew's on his third churro with a fourth lined up, and if Neil's wallet is crying about it, he doesn't seem to mind. The striker's legs dangle lazily from the bench they're on, swinging in time with the cheery music blaring through the speakers. Andrew brought him here to escape the crowd; Neil always preferred to watch, to catalogue the different types of people. Disneyland, at the very least, should have an interesting variety for Neil to judge and pick apart for the nonsensical survival guide in his head.

Page ninety-two: signs of regret-filled parents. That's how Andrew would guess it's organized.

But no, Neil's staring right at him. Andrew could feel it mid chew, the striker's gaze penetrating and brighter than any of the thousand balloons he's seen flying around.

Andrew managed to hold out for about half a churro, no longer, before giving in.

Neil's triumphant smile is an indication he was all too aware of the game.

"Are they good?" Neil asks, and it's enough to make Andrew pause. He watches the way Neil adjusts those stupid ears on his head, the way he licks his lips to mimic the place Andrew assuredly has sugar on his own.

Rather than answer, and before he does something stupid, he shoves the end of the churro into Neil's mouth. It's not an uncommon occurrence.

Neil barely yelps before dutifully taking a bite. Andrew waits for the usual scrunch of his nose, the disgust at the sweetness. Still, Neil will never refuse something Andrew offers him.

"Not bad," Neil says, chewing slow. There's sugar on his lips now too, and Andrew realizes he made an error. "Still too much sugar."

Unheard of. There's no such thing.

With a scoff, Andrew wipes the excess sugar off Neil's lips with his thumb. "You disgust me, Josten."

It doesn't sound as convincing as it used to, and Neil's triumphant smile only grows wider. Only then does he sigh and lean back, staring into the sea of people who love wasting money. Andrew will never get the fascination.

There's a good distance between them on the bench which Neil hasn't tried to close, and won't until Andrew says otherwise. Andrew's not in the mood to feel his weight, not today. It wasn't brought on by anything specific, but Neil abides like he always does.

Neil doesn't seem any less content.

"I can't believe they haven't noticed we're gone," the redhead says, far from disappointed. The relief is something Andrew can relate to. It's been about an hour, and they've done nothing, but Andrew knows he's having a better time this way.

The last thing he wants is to watch Jean and Jeremy obliviously flirt and fawn over one another with no outlet. Andrew's not sure if they'd be worse if they were actually dating, and part of him considers just dropping the bomb on them to ruin any kind of movie moment they might have at this godforsaken place.

"I can," Andrew mutters, but doesn't elaborate. He's sure Neil hasn't actually noticed the pining, not with Andrew nearby, and certainly not with everything else going on. He doesn't need to know, because then they might have to talk about it.

Andrew doesn't have all the words for that yet.

Neil hums, interpreting the words in his own way. "Jean does seem...better. I guess he would be more focused on his friends. At least now Kevin will stop complaining, I'll get to tell him Jean's doing just great."

The topic of Jean Moreau isn't much better.

He's not able to keep all of his glower locked down, and he ends up making a passing school teacher flinch. "I don't care how he is," he says through his teeth, and Neil stiffens.

Yeah, wrong thing to bring up. Not as bad as the times Neil will drop his mother into conversation, but not good regardless.

Neil sighs, fiddling with his bracelet again. It's what he does when he wants to touch Andrew but won't. "Andrew, Jean is--"

Andrew turns the intensity of his stare on Neil. They've had this talk before, and he's not trying to bring it up again. Contrary to what other people may believe, he's not adverse to having difficult conversations with Neil. Arguments, even.

They happen, but...

There's something about it; Andrew won't say it's comfortable, but he simply knows it won't change anything. He and Neil disagree sometimes, but it seldom turns into a screaming match or the silent treatment. More often than not, Andrew's willing to keep coming back to a topic if it means they reach a compromise. He doesn't yield that way for anyone else, but Neil doesn't make it feel like submission or defeat. It's why it doesn't make Andrew nearly as antsy as he originally believed it would, when they started their this. For them, it's problem-solving.

This however...this is one thing Andrew can't excuse. Not yet, maybe not ever. They keep having to step away.

"Don't," Andrew says. Neil's eyes hold no fear, and they shouldn't. Andrew's not saying it unkindly, it's the truth. "Whatever you say will not change my mind. Not with this."

Not when it comes to people hurting what's mine.

Andrew's hands curl into the edge of the bench, the splitting wood a comfort. He's strong, his hands have the power to kill, to fend off. Why that's so important in this moment...

When Neil still doesn't look like he understands, Andrew reaches forward to flick the shackle pendant around his wrist, almost on instinct.

And well, guess it's become a weakness for them both.

Neil sighs, and bites his tongue in a rare show of restraint. The striker keeps back every counterpoint and argument, which he surely has handfuls of, and puffs out his cheeks. Any other moment it would be...maybe not so annoying.

But not cute.

Some of the trembling in Andrew's frame leaves; he's not dumb enough to think this is over, Neil is too stubborn. But for now, the striker accepts it.

Though, not without being infuriating. Neil's gaze pierces him, sticking Andrew to the spot.

"I'm safe with you Andrew," Neil breathes, and Andrew's not willing to acknowledge how Neil quickly aims for the root of the problem. It's a spike through Andrew's chest. Again, Neil races ahead of Andrew's own thought process at the most random times.

So that's it. Andrew thinks. A promise.

It won't happen again. Neil has no way of knowing that, but he wants Andrew to believe it; nothing will hurt Neil so severely again because Andrew won't allow it. Andrew will thrash and bleed before it happens again, but Jean Moreau is a reminder that it can, even when most of the guilt falls on a dead man. There will always be others, lurking in the shadows. Weapons, threats.

But still, with all his paranoia, Andrew can't even tell Neil to be quiet, because to refute such a statement feels wrong in a number of ways. Neil's trust is something he earned.

Andrew hums instead, and refuses to repeat the obvious. Instead, he pushes Neil back by the shoulder, his back hitting the bench and forcing Neil to loosen up.

Better.

"I can't believe a place like this exists," Neil sighs, giving into the calm Andrew lends him. Andrew's not sure if he means it from the perspective of a runaway or not. Disneyland would be an enigma to most people with Neil's past.

"You don't feel happy?" Andrew says with a sneer, taking in the fighting families and crying children. He knows there's equal parts people smiling and having fun, and he's choosing to center himself on the negatives, but he's not in the mood to apply Bee's advice for once.

"Well if I did it would be because of you," Neil says, grin smug from the stare Andrew turns on him. No one needs his sappiness. "But I don't really like that word."

Haha.

Andrew pokes Neil in the leg, more like a jab, and Neil jumps. "Stop stealing my lines."

Neil snorts. "I just meant in terms of this place. Doesn't it feel untrustworthy from the get-go if you advertise your park as the happiest place? It can't actually be."

It's amazing how hard Neil's brain works when it comes to unimportant topics. "Careful, if Jeremy hears you he'll have a meltdown."

"That would be interesting though."

"And potentially homicidal."

Andrew makes a note to bring Kevin if he ever has to return here. Kevin won't be able to keep his distaste hidden, and he'll get to really test the Jeremy Knox theory.

"Have you ever been to an amusement park?" Neil asks a moment later, voice low. Treading lightly.

It's not a particularly bad memory for Andrew though, and he only shrugs. He's no longer shocked about how much he talks to Neil. It's easy, not draining.

"Mostly for school, I wouldn't waste time with the rides," Andrew says, and feels the memory of old dollar bills in his hands. Sometimes he'd be lucky enough for his foster homes to provide him money for food, sometimes not. "Carnivals were easier. I could just go off and find some abandoned corner to smoke or wait it out."

No one ever cared to come looking for him.

Despite his sweet tooth, he seldom had the actual money to spoil himself with the fried foods either. He makes up for that now, obviously.

Speaking of, he wants a frozen lemonade at some point.

Neil's eyes are devoid of pity, but Andrew knows he could quickly turn that understanding gaze into a rage-fueled one if he chose to provide any of the details.

He doesn't. He never enjoyed things like amusement parks, and he doesn't mind either way if Neil does, but part of him is simply at ease, here on this stupid bench.

Neil's protection can't reach back into the past, no matter how badly the striker would like it to.

"Everyone always talked about Disneyland as the best place in the world," Andrew offers instead, waving his hand around. If anything, the sheer size of the park is the most impressive thing about it. The other kids in his classes couldn't let it go; family vacations, dream dates, etc.

The hype around the park never died down no matter how Andrew aged.

Compared to Neil sitting next to him, the park is without.

"And your verdict?" Neil asks anyways, because he tries not to assume when he can.

Andrew's not sure why his heart reacts the way it does to that.

Neil's stupid ears pair with his Palmetto hoodie perfectly, and he looks like the pumpkin Cinderella would've taken to the ball. The fierceness of him isn't softened in the slightest by it though, his vulnerability comes from his eyes, the way all his alarms become inactive in Andrew's presence.

Andrew craves it, this complete, unyielding trust.

He hates how Neil can make any situation interesting.

"It's annoying," Andrew eventually says, rolling up his churro wrapper into a tight ball. He misses the trash can when he tosses it, and ignores the disgruntled stare he gets for it from a park worker. "Not awful."

Neil straightens up, too proud of himself. "Are you saying that because of the churros or because I'm here?"

"Be quiet."

Neil, because his death wish inclination isn't as active today, doesn't point out the non-answer. The striker just hands him money for another churro, though he's considering beignets.

Neil watches the way Andrew stares at the money, seemingly content to allow Andrew this indulgence. "I remember kids talking about it when I was younger. I could never understand why such a crowded place could be so fun. Much less the lines or overpriced food. But..."

Andrew clutches the money tight, but it's a poor substitute for Neil's hand. "But?"

"But well, it's not like I ever got the chance to try it out." Neil gestures to the precise decorations, the ornate buildings, and his eyes flit down the trolley lines like they remind him of a destination far worse. Andrew never asked Neil if he train hopped before. Neil sighs, his nose scrunching from the sweet, candied scents in the air. "Maybe I would've loved it. Then I'd be a lunatic like Jeremy."

It's meant to be a joke, but Andrew understands. That's the strangeness of the unknown. Had things been different, had they been raised like anyone else, there's no telling what they could've been like.

But things weren't different. Andrew isn't foolish enough to reflect on the past with bitterness or entertain what he could've been like if only. The asinine exercise would do nothing for him, for his future.

The future he's coming to anticipate and accept, because Neil also refuses to look back. It's still a globby, hard to see mess right now, but the more days pass with Neil by his side, even it begins to take shape.

But he doesn't have room in his chest to say all that, so instead he tugs on Neil's headband again. Snug.

"You're already wearing the ears," he drawls. As if Neil forgot, his hands fly up to tug on one of the ears, and Andrew is helpless to save the image forever.

"I should probably take them o--"

"No."

Just...no.

It's hard to make Neil blush, but when it happens Andrew makes sure to catalogue it. He watches the color spread on the bridge of the striker's nose, and then Neil laughs, a light and fleeting sound. Andrew hears it over everything else.

Neil turns on the bench, hugging his knees to his chest, and Andrew is moving to face him without thinking about it. "I feel like...if the others were here they'd say we're wasting the opportunity," Neil muses, pursing his lips. "Like we should be going on rides and watching shows."

"That's everyone's problem then," Andrew waves the thought off, tracking Neil's lips. He's not ready for a kiss, but he's warming up to the idea.

But, Neil seldom brings up things pointlessly with him.

"It is," Neil agrees, and Andrew presses his thumb into the crease of his boyfriend's brows. Neil doesn't flinch. "But they might be right. I guess I can't expect to have the same opinions now as I did as a kid on the run. I should at least be able to say, yeah I went to Disneyland slightly more adjusted and I still don't see what the big deal is."

Ah, the point emerges. Andrew will admit...

"You don't seem anxious," Andrew observes, because he expected Neil to be very nervous.

Neil tilts his head, and Andrew has to make him stop doing that. "What?"

Andrew leans back, and Neil follows the touch instinctively before getting a hold of himself. "If you really felt you were wasting time, you'd be all fidgety and irritating."

"I didn't say I felt like I was wasting time, just that I maybe should," Neil sighs. Andrew isn't sure what he means, but he doesn't have time to think about it when Neil's impish grin comes back. "But no, any time I spend with you isn't a waste."

Andrew leans in, slow and insistent, and lets Neil tense in anticipation of a touch, a kiss. Then, Andrew pushes his face away. It's what he deserves, and Neil bites his tongue.

Huffy.

Neil slumps back, but the pouty thing he's doing dampens the scowl. He needs to not spend so much time with Katelyn.

"You've become a sap, rabbit."

And it's dangerous for both of them. Andrew doesn't mean for the words to come out so light, but what's the use in correcting himself?

"I get it from you," Neil shoots back, and oh, now he chooses to read Andrew's mind. At the twitch of Andrew's mouth, Neil smiles, the kind reserved for Andrew and Andrew alone.

Andrew's nerve endings are still a little fuzzy, but he tugs Neil's sleeve until he follows. He brings Neil close enough to feel Andrew's heat, to smell the cinnamon. This works, for now.

And Neil, despite being somewhere people dream of visiting, looks totally focused on him. When he gazes down the trolley lines again, the expression is much more promising.

"Who knows? It might be fun if we went now, with all the foxes," Neil wonders aloud. "Not sure, since I think the closest thing to a ride I've ever been on is a train, and not legally."

Well, there's the train hopping question answered.

But that's it, he supposes. He feels nothing about this place, or any amusement parks for that matter. Even in his tumultuous childhood, he experienced them, never understood the appeal.

Neil's never had the opportunity to try. He's never been able to form an opinion.

Andrew thinks that's at least one aspect of his freedom Neil should have, even if it is something so trivial.

Andrew sighs; what has he gotten himself into?

Neil Josten is a whirlwind of an individual, but he's Andrew's.

That's what Neil would say, without hesitation, every time.

'But I'm yours.'

Andrew really does need a cigarette, but that frozen lemonade will have to do. He stands up, making a show of brushing himself off. He can feel the tilts of Neil's head behind him, for fuck's sake.

"C'mon then," Andrew says, turning around to adjust how crooked Neil's headband is. Another problem he didn't need, but it's too late now. Damn merchandise. When Neil still makes no move to get up, Andrew tugs his bangs. "Let's go on a ride."

Neil's jaw opens and closes, but Andrew is already turning away from him. Neil's fast, he should be able to catch up. "W-wait, are you sure?"

Neil scrambles to his feet, and Andrew can't look directly at him. He's sure there's something bright and shiny swimming in those eyes right now, and that's far too much.

He tries to go through his mind for what he knows about Disneyland, and asks himself if he's in the mood to be up high.

No, not today. Neil has him feeling far too much already.

"I think the Matterhorn is enclosed," he says, in lieu of an explanation, and knows Neil will get the meaning.

Neil grips the straps of his backpack, reigning in the energy as best he can. Andrew wonders when he'll work up the nerve to tell Neil he doesn't have to when it's like this. Even without touch, Andrew promised to take everything Neil had to offer.

He's not sure if Neil can sense the feeling, but his face softens anyways. "Okay...yeah!"

Neil falls in step beside him, and Andrew revises his previous statement with only mild displeasure. He doubts he will ever have enough of this.

--

The Matterhorn was, what a shocker, a bad idea.

Andrew will never say he tries to make his driving a comfortable experience, but he knows his road raging still would've been a more pleasurable time than being thrown around on that poor excuse for a ride.

The bumpiness of the Matterhorn was also not helped by how tense he was; he felt like a cutting board in a blender, trying to force away the unrealistic thought of Neil flying off the edge and plummeting to his death during the whole two minute affair.

A forty-five minute wait for two minutes of back pain that'll last the rest of the day.

"Well that sucked," Neil says with a wince, stretching out his back slowly. Andrew pointedly looks elsewhere. "Why do people do this for fun? I feel like my spine got ripped out and then put back in the wrong way."

Andrew wants to tell him to stop being so dramatic, but for once Neil's words are accurate.

They tried. No one can say they didn't try.

"Nevermind you were right," Neil says as Andrew orders them a lemonade to share; Neil ignores the glare Andrew gives him for chugging the first half in one go. Neil sighs from the rush of citrus, placing the cold cup to his forehead. "Can we go home?"

"Doubtful, unless you want to walk," Andrew sighs. He retches the lemonade away from Neil, pushing away his grabby hands. An admirable tactic, but fruitless. "I knew carpooling was a stupid move."

"Hey, we take offense to that."

Neil tenses on instinct, like the hypocrite he is. He's so used to being the shadow, the nosy meddler who overhears everything. Andrew would think he's more than deserving of being on the receiving end if he wasn't so annoyed himself.

They turn to find the girls grinning ear to ear, and Andrew notes right away how there's no smiling bundle of 'I love Disney' with them.

Jean and Jeremy are nowhere to be found.

How 'bout that.

Alvarez unlinks her arm from her girlfriend's to ring out her damp shirt; Andrew notices they're soaked from head to toe, sneakers squeaking from their drenched socks. It makes Andrew grimace on the inside; it should feel atrocious, but the girls are beaming.

"So you two do act like a couple," Laila says, and Andrew's not sure he gets what she means. He does decide she's his least favorite of the two though. "I had some doubts."

Andrew couldn't care less about that, but Neil's a different story. Defiantly, Andrew silences his boyfriend before he can even go on his tirade by shoving the lemonade back into his hands.

An acceptable sacrifice; Neil's aware they don't seem like the stereotypical couple, but he hates having his feelings doubted.

He hates it even more when people doubt Andrew's, and Andrew pushes the thought of Katelyn's suspicious expression at Eden's out of his mind.

What other people assume about him is not his problem.

"Why didn't you just buy him his own lemonade?" Alvarez asks, her eyes flicking over Neil's expression. He's calming down, but the aggravation is there. Guess not all the Trojans are oblivious.

Andrew takes the bait for what it is, no energy to be contrary.

"Neil doesn't need that much energy, and he'll drink mine no matter what because he's annoying," Andrew says, and sure enough, he hears the slurp behind him, an alert that Neil basically sucked down the rest of his drink.

One down, several to go.

"It's true, I am," Neil chimes in at that, refreshed. It's then he actually seems to pay attention, scanning the girls from head to toe. "Why are you guys all wet?"

Laila claps a hand over Alvarez's wolfish grin before she can even respond to that, and Andrew is glad. He really didn't want to hear it.

At least Neil would get the joke this time.

"Splash Mountain," Laila replies hastily, like they have any clue what it is. "Horrible build-up, decent pay-off. Jean hates it though so it's the best way to make sure we don't run into them."

At her own words, she checks behind her, like Jeremy Knox can appear at the mere mention of his not-boyfriend.

They probably shouldn't stay in the same place too long.

"Outside Star Wars anyways," Alvarez adds, prying Laila's hand off her mouth for .2 seconds.

"Hush, he'll hear you!"

Then, Alvarez must lick her girlfriend's hand, because the goalie retches away with a disgusted yelp. "Hey! Gross!"

"Wow, you don't love me."

It's punctuated with giggles, and Andrew stuffs his hands in his pockets; why that word decides to plague him today, he's not sure. He wouldn't say the girls act as useless as Katelyn and Aaron do, but their dynamic is still distinct.

Affectionate.

Andrew turns his hard stare at the ground. No, no. It's still not right.

Neil, oblivious to Andrew's plight, squints at the empty space where Jean and Jeremy should be. "Wait...you guys ditched them too? Why?"

"They had the same idea as us," Andrew mutters, but Neil's lightbulb still hasn't gone off.

Laila's grin is as sardonic as it gets. "Ah, so you noticed?"

Andrew doesn't respond. He's steadily reaching his word quota.

Knowing the only chance of Andrew saying anything is by asking himself, Neil turns to him, too searching. "Noticed what?"

And oh, Andrew can't avoid talking about it after all, can he? He's not sure why he doesn't want to, there hasn't been much cause for concern with Neil lately. Not for months. Maybe not ever, but Andrew had been in denial there for a while.

Perhaps Andrew just hates being in this limbo, where he doesn't even know how he feels about a topic yet. It's happened before, but it's no less disconcerting than the other times. The jealousy, the concept of understanding, their first time...

His mind, a traitor, reminds him none of those situations ended horrifically.

"Moreau is in love with his captain," Andrew mutters, and watches the moment Neil blanches. No stopping the floodgates now. "Original."

Something in Neil's gaze twitches. Andrew's hasn't seen the look before, but it's surely not good for him or his pulse. Andrew turns his stare to the ice cream cart in the distance, but his sweet tooth is done for the day.

Another unfortunate reality.

"God, so they really are that bad," Laila groans. "For a second there, we thought it might just be us."

Alvarez scoffs, crossing her arms and putting all her weight on Laila. It must be a common occurrence; Laila huffs, but makes no move to push her away.

"We've been trying to get them together for ages," Alvarez continues, twirling her finger around like a never ending cycle. "We ditch them literally every single time in the hopes they finally have their moment."

Both their expressions fall then, truly defeated. Laila sounds at her wit's end, and Andrew feels little sympathy. "But, no such luck."

Andrew can't even begin to pick apart how uselessly optimistic that is when idiots are concerned, but Alvarez seems to be tracking his every movement for some type of reaction. He should've never said anything, but she'll learn soon enough; he's not an easy read, despite a hot-headed outlier.

Neil blinks at them, a complex math problem with cliche romantic plots instead of numbers. "They're...into each other?"

The look he gets from the girls is similar to the pitying ones he gets from Allison whenever he says something particularly misguided about fashion.

Laila puts her hand on Neil's shoulder, patting him slowly. "Oh Josten, your face right now tells me all I need to know about you."

Then, the double shot of pity is poured right down Andrew's throat.

"You got an oblivious one too huh?" Laila says wryly, and Alvarez chokes.

"Hey."

Andrew won't dignify that with a response, but he figures it's obvious anyways.

Laila snorts, tugging on Alvarez's ear lobe. "But yeah, Jean totally wants to husband Jeremy. It's so painful. Disneyland is supposed to be romantic, but--"

Alvarez finishes the thought with a fart noise. Andrew's not sure why he speaks up, the conversation is so beneath him, and he blames Bee. He never used to talk so much before he realized that it actually helped his mind move down the endless river.

"Movie moments like that will never happen," Andrew says, nothing condescending or dismissive about it. It's the truth; he learned long ago that the grand gestures people expected seldom come to fruition. They could sit Jean and Jeremy at the table for two with violins playing around them and it most likely wouldn't do any good.

People won't do anything until they're ready to acknowledge how they feel, and even then they might not. Andrew never thought that was such a bad thing; shutting down a feeling, weighing the pros and cons of a decision until ultimately trying to be rid of it.

It was better that way.

He knows though, had he never let that go, he wouldn't have Neil next to him.

He also knows Bee would call that a good thing, the release of a way of thinking that he's yet to acknowledge as completely outdated.

None of that realization shows on his face.

"You sure sound fun," Alvarez mutters, but she's smiling in a way Andrew hates.

"Andrew's the funnest person I know," Neil adds, unhelpfully adding to the upbeat of Andrew's heart. If Neil could stop ruining the English language on purpose that would be great.

The girls wait for Neil to reveal it as a joke, but seconds of Neil's blank stare kill any chance of laughter.

No, Neil is completely serious. And maybe he's right, after all the good Trojan captain himself did call Andrew a riot.

Laila purses her lips after a moment. "Right..."

"Anyways, you better get a move on if you don't want to continue enjoying your date," Alvarez says, glancing behind her suspiciously while checking her watch. Laila's hand entangles in her girlfriend's, and Andrew notices the charm bracelet there. He wonders if it's a gift from Alvarez.

He's seen a similar, custom one on Katelyn's wrist for the longest time. He's about to ask himself why people are so obsessed with buying jewelry, before realizing he's in the same boat.

When did he come to permit this?

Ugh. He's not running around that particular race track again. "It's not--"

"We're going to go get drinks in the Star Wars cantina," Alvarez interrupts, hastily beginning to tug her girlfriend in that direction. Guess it's later than she thought. "Jeremy will come this way soon. He has a very specific itinerary."

Of course he does.

"Any...slow ride suggestions?" Neil asks before they go, and Alvarez squeaks when she runs right into Laila's strong back. Neil steadfastly ignores the glare Andrew sends him, though if they do have to go on more rides, Andrew would prefer something smooth.

The Matterhorn can burn.

"There's the storybook ride?" Laila says, pointing behind them down the path. "Or It's a Small World?"

Alvarez huffs. "There's a joke there somewhere..."

Andrew doesn't mean for it to happen, but his memory is a steel trap, with a layer of unpredictability wrapped around it. He can't stop it, can't turn it off. For the briefest of moments it brings him the image of a homely kitchen in California, his fingers tracing the carvings in the table while he watches Cass cook dinner. It smells good; he remembers. Of course he remembers, the dish, the ingredients, down to the stains on the tile and which cabinets were open.

The song Cass hummed from between her lips.

He'd never heard the real song, never cared to look it up online or search up the ride itself. But he knows the name, knows the tune.

"What's that?" Neil asks, and whether he means to or not, his voice pulls Andrew out of it. Not even just that...Neil has a way of firmly planting Andrew in this new reality he's forged and tailored.

For the better, Bee's voice reminds him.

Laila smiles, no doubt connecting the ride to memories of her own. Happier, softer memories. Andrew could have those too, if he wanted. It would just take some revision, overwriting. "It's just a boat ride, and it kills time for sure."

Just a boat ride. That's all.

Neil nods, turning to Andrew while the girls walk away. It's getting later; Andrew can tell by how blue Neil's eyes get, highlighted by the darkness. They're haunting in a way, like the unexplored bottom of the ocean. Horrific things lurk in the depths, but there's something pleasant about them too, calming in their mystery. Maybe because to Andrew, and only Andrew, it's familiar territory. Andrew has never felt that level of ease from something, but Neil's stupid expression is too soft when he speaks. "How about it?"

How about it? Hm.

Andrew looks off into the direction Laila pointed in, debating on if he should put himself through that. Is he ready to put himself through that?

He could take this step, he reasons. He could try to overpower the terrible memory with one of Neil, with the feeling of his weight beside him. Is it worth it? Will it work?

No, he can't think of it like that.

It won't erase anything; Andrew's not so naive to think he will ever be rid of the image in his head, the sound of Cass's voice. But...maybe he could make the crystal clear image blurrier, faded around the edges until his mind wavers, until he can no longer make out the scenes as well as before. Instead, his brain will default to Neil in the future. Whenever he hears the cheery tune, Andrew will think of his stupid headband and sugar-kissed lips.

Stronger, sturdier memories.

He's allowed Neil to implant them before, and it hasn't backfired. The process is not always easy, or without pain, but it's been worth it every time. Andrew sees no reason to mess with a working strategy.

Andrew grabs Neil's wrist, the firmest contact they've had all day, and something in him sighs at the same time Neil does.

He leads the way.

--

As soon as Andrew hears the tune as they enter the tunnel, he wonders if he made a mistake. Not because of the memory, though that's definitely there. No, it's the tune itself.

The music is loud, repetitive, with no lull. He's not sure how someone can work on this ride and not quit immediately. He should've expected it though, so the blame is on himself. It won't be over anytime soon either. The boat they're in is moving at an agonizing speed, but it's a relief for his back. The slow glide makes him painfully aware of the soreness in his legs, the heaviness of his eyelids.

The spotlights are pointing at the monuments and walls, leaving the riders in the shadows. If Andrew squints, the people in the boats ahead of him look like nothing more than silhouettes for the briefest of moments. Unreal, specters.

The song continues, and Andrew reevaluates. It's too late to get off the ride, and the song might be called fitting; there's a weird eeriness to it, along with the surreal feeling of the park noises being completely blocked out. It's silent, for being so loud, so irritating. But after a while he's sure he'd become numb to it, and then what would be left?

All he can hear other than the singing is the gentle slosh of the water and the occasional hushed voices of the people in front of them. Like the wind. He feels like a ghost on the ride, wispy and drifting in and out of centuries. The tune is ageless, has probably been around for decades, long before Cass started to hum it.

Somehow, it's a comfort. Cass had been insignificant, another way to separate her memory from the ride itself.

Some of the tension leaks out of his shoulders, and having Neil beside him lessens it further. There are two free seat rows in front of them; the line hadn't been too long at this time of day, and Andrew feels an inkling of gratefulness.

It's the closest thing to privacy they've had all day, he realizes, and some of the fuzziness from earlier dissipates. The static in his brain has had time to even and sizzle out; it's taken hours for him to get to this point, but when Neil lets a quiet 'yes or no' pass between them, the answer is easy. Certain.

Andrew pulls Neil against him, and Neil follows it up by entangling their fingers together. He hardly hesitates anymore, doesn't treat the gesture like something with an expiration date. Andrew privately thought it would be the case, but...he's yet to be tired of it.

It's not so rare anymore, holding Neil's hand.

They pass the first display of dancing puppets, just as the song repeats 'it's a small world after all' through the speakers. Andrew can feel Neil's wry smile before he sees it. "It really is a--"

"Finish that joke I'll kill you."

Neil throws his head back in the first sign of genuine joy from a ride, and Andrew thinks this is already better than anything else they'd previously done. It's less intensive, with just enough chaotic energy to appeal to Neil's sense of humor.

They're not the type of people usually caught dead on these kinds of rides, but the creepiness feels warmer than any of the other joyful displays Disneyland had to offer. Neil's laugh echoes off the high ceilings, and he smothers it quickly.

But Andrew's mind remembers, and he plays the cut off sound on a loop far more intense than the tune of the ride itself. He mixes them together, until they can't be pried apart.

When they pass the German section of the song, Neil looks at him expectantly, and the look Andrew gives him is unimpressed. Mischief dances in his boyfriend's eyes anyways, and again, it's not cute. It's not like Andrew is going to suddenly start singing along just because it's in German. Though, Neil's reaction might be worth it.

Neil critiques the lyric translation anyways, like it's not the simplest song to mass produce.

"This isn't so bad," Neil sighs as they pass under another archway to a different section of the very small world. His finger is starting to tap along on the back of Andrew's hand, and he's not sure if he should put an end to it before it gets stuck in Neil's head. Then he'd have to hear Neil humming it over and over, and while not as traumatic, there's only so much Andrew can take.

"Other people would probably call it torture," Andrew says, gesturing to the lifeless faces of the puppets. He wonders if there's any conspiracies about this ride online, he's sure Neil would get some morbid kick out of them.

"Wimps," Neil replies haughtily, and no, Andrew's pulse does not jump. “I’m a torture connoisseur.”

He bastardizes the word so bad Andrew almost feels bad for France. Almost. When did Neil start thinking he was funny?

"That's not even remotely how you say it." Andrew untangles their hands purely for the purpose of flicking Neil's earlobe. Neil grabs for it again as soon as the punishment is doled out.

Junkie. "You speak that language..."

But Andrew's accusations mean nothing to Neil, per usual.

"I'm dumb remember?" Neil reminds with a shrug, and Andrew grits his teeth. He's still unsure how he feels about this; Neil's mind is vast when it comes to a lot of things. Languages, math, world knowledge, how to kill a man, basic things.

But otherwise...the ignorance can be...

Attractive.

Andrew almost gets off the boat from admitting it to himself. Dumb jocks with runner's hearts is a type he guesses, and it happens to be his.

Or, scratch that. Neil can't possibly fall into a group. Had more than one Neil existed, the mafia would've surely met their demise as a whole through a combination of violence and general dumbassery.

"You milk it on purpose," Andrew decides to say, because Neil does. Because no, Neil's far from dumb, he just knows what gets under Andrew's skin.

Neil chooses not to respond to that, predictably.

"It's just not as bad as I expected," Neil continues, leaning his head against Andrew's shoulder. He gives a long sigh, and Andrew's sure it can't be comfortable. As at ease as he is in Neil's presence, there's always a hardness there, a tension coiled in his body. Yet, Neil leans into him like a pillow and seems to cherish the steadiness.

For a while, they just listen to the song.

Andrew's not quite sure if he agrees with the message, but he doesn't care in the moment. He's come to acknowledge lately that he shares quite a bit with other people, much to his chagrin. Though in the grand scheme of things, he's eons away from them all.

Primarily, he doesn't like to think he could replicate this...feeling, whatever it is.

Certainly not enough to assign an overused word to, one stamped onto every relationship like a barcode. 'I love you.'

He's never admired the words when other people used them. Is that fair, he wonders. Does it matter? He's stuck between a rock and a hard place; the need to be contrary itches at him. He shouldn't want to feel that way, shouldn't have to label this feeling as love...

And it doesn't feel right anyways.

He does not want to fit an insincere mold, but he doubts he and Neil ever could. They never have. This would not be so easily destroyed, toppled.

They simply share too much, and Andrew thinks back to his goal of replacing every bad memory with Neil. That's not an accident, or a desperate quick fix. That instinct is there for a reason...

Cass. Funny how his two separate problems seem to come together. Cass is an appropriate example. Andrew knows, better than anyone, that she hadn't loved him in Katelyn's definition, if that's what love even is. If love can be broken down like that, if it's real. Devotion, consideration, loyalty.

Andrew sighs; he can't go that deep into it. It's too much, bogged down by layers and layers of terrible experiences that have only just begun to be pushed aside like weeds. Never ripped out. The roots have taken hold, but they're withering.

Maybe it's because he's so tired of thinking about it that the words come out. He peers down at Neil against him, at the top of his head where the auburn curls are so within reach, and confesses to Neil's crown. He doesn't blame the need to admit things to Neil as influenced by love, it can't possibly be so contained. He just...something pushes him to work this out. "Cass would hum this, every now and again."

Andrew's not sure what he wants the reaction to be, but when Neil responds, Andrew's soul relaxes, so it must be what he needed. Neil goes rigid within an instant, robbed of the peace afforded them. Andrew didn't mean to throw it into their quiet bubble, but he doesn't regret it. These things aren't inconvenient. Andrew gives these pieces of information to Neil now, like he always has. Willingly, and they're received in kind.

Neil shoots up, eyes frantic when they meet Andrew's. He sees so many things in those blue eyes: rage at Cass, concern for Andrew, and things Andrew didn't ask for but will receive for as long as Neil is here. Neil looks frantic, and two seconds away from dragging them as far away from this place as possible.

Neil's voice is a whisper, sharp and desperate. "Why did you--"

Why indeed? Why come on this ride?

Andrew's puts all his boyfriend's worry and guilt into an early grave.

"I hate having her in my brain," he answers, and knows it's not an excuse. Being on this ride is far from traumatic, more therapeutic than anything, but he almost recoils. He's only ever admitted those things aloud, the pent up resentment and anger, in the privacy of Bee's office. Even then, it's pulling teeth. For so long he framed his time with Cass as the only blip of light in his life. But it had come with a price, and Andrew knows now it hadn't been remotely worth it. For so long he tried to protect that outlook, but now he wants it stained, blacked out. He just never knew it would be so hard to blot it out with his own hand.

And if that was not love...

Neil flinches, but Andrew keeps going, daring him to say something. He needs Neil to know he's serious, so he makes it personal, shared. "You're the obnoxious one, telling me to overwrite things all the time. That's what this is."

That's why I'm okay with this. It's you.

Andrew can see the moment Neil remembers; they'd been sitting on the roof, and Neil had asked him to only remember the good things, even if for just a moment. Andrew's not the best at employing this, and sometimes he vehemently denies the ability to do so, but not with this. Not today.

That feeling cannot be replicated; Andrew turns the idea in his head again and again, never getting closer.

But one thing is certain...

Neil's expression softens, and Andrew squeezes his hand before he flicks a look up at the bright orange monstrosity on Neil's head. "Now, this ride will just remind me of how terrible that headband is," he says, and Neil should at least be able to read between those lines. "Nothing else will come first."

I will latch onto you instead. Andrew never wanted that before, to cling to some idealized outlook again. But Neil is not that; Neil is painfully real. Sometimes he misinterprets, other times he keeps too much to himself. But at the end of the day, Andrew trusts him to do whatever it takes to remain by his side for as long as he chooses to be there.

Andrew is the same way; he can't go back to how it was before.

Andrew's not paying attention to the displays around them anymore, but he can feel his mind melding the images and the tune together with Neil's expression. Open, vulnerable, welcome.

Neil sighs a moment later, muscles relaxing. Not once does his hold on Andrew loosen, but he knows better than to pry about Andrew's past. Andrew has made it clear; this moment is not about an old memory.

Neil leans back, moving further into Andrew's space. "Mm, should I say something else annoying, make the moment stronger?"

And ah, back to normal already are we?

Andrew flicks the back of Neil's hand. "You just did."

He'll log that away too, as aggravating as it is.

"Yeah..." Neil breathes out with a laugh, his thumb rubbing small circles into Andrew's skin. Physical touch, muscle memory...Andrew needs all of it for this to work. He gladly focuses on that while Neil thinks; Andrew can tell solely from the crease in his brow the striker has more on his mind.

Neil's not necessarily like Andrew, he won't keep these things to himself for prideful reasons. He needs to let them out, or they will eat him up.

He's bad at hiding it too.

"Hey Andrew," Neil says eventually, and Andrew's ready for the words before they're even in the air between them. He'd been expecting this, dreading it, but not okay with putting it off any longer. He needs Neil's help, unfortunately, to piece it all together. "You said Jean was in love with Jeremy."

One day if life is especially cruel, and Andrew outlives Neil, he will make it his mission to pick the man's brain. Something in that stubborn subconscious always seems to anticipate the winding roads Andrew is currently stuck on, even when Neil actually has zero clue.

He's not so upset by this anymore.

Carefully, Andrew turns Neil's palm over to trace the heart lines. If he put them on a map, would they cross through all the places Neil's been? "I did say that."

And he's been re-thinking about if it's true. Who knows if Jean and Jeremy are actually in love. As much as he likes to compare them to his brother's and Katelyn's nauseating displays, affectionate looks and blushing cheeks can't be all there is to it.

Andrew had been stupid to chalk it up to just that. Not even Katelyn would've. And if that's the case, Andrew might never be convinced of Jeremy and Jean's feelings. Attraction sure, but he doesn't care enough to dig deeper.

There's not an equation to test levels of protectiveness, or comfort, in order to determine an abstract and troublesome thing like love. And why would he need to test his own feelings against such a thing anyways? He knows...he knows this is something he will keep for as long as he can.

"I thought you didn't use that word," Neil offers when Andrew is quiet for too long, debating on the best angle to attack this from. Neil tends to do that, when Andrew himself hasn't figured things out yet. If he poses questions that open up other doors, it clears the mess away. He notes how Neil says 'doesn't use' instead of 'doesn't like' or 'hates,' because it's true. Andrew isn't repulsed by the word, just annoyed with it and all its aspects. He does not get it.

It's like he told Katelyn...

"I don't, but only because it's untrustworthy," Andrew replies, rubbing the back of his neck. He's not making sense, not even to himself. He's simply trying to see if he's open to the idea of throwing out his old opinion, the one where the concept of love is something twisted beyond recognition. Fake. Overly reproduced.

It's far more difficult a feat than simply overwriting a bad memory. This feels more invasive, but Andrew knows he wouldn't be thinking about it if there wasn't something important lodged beneath.

Neil squints, unaware of Andrew's turmoil. "So you were insulting them?"

The game show buzzer in Andrew's head rings; nope, that's not it.

"I was applying Mrs. Minyard's definition..." Andrew tries not to sound too bitter. The whole reason he even let this issue cling to him is because of Katelyn. She's the worst.

"Katelyn?" Neil asks, but doesn't question further after Andrew nods. Andrew assumes he's used to this, and it's entirely likely he's had a similar conversation with Katelyn. Andrew won't think about that either.

Neil nods. "Okay well, do you care if they figure it out?"

Again, Neil strikes out, but it helps Andrew to eliminate the background noise in his head.

"No, it makes no difference to me," he says. He couldn't care less what becomes of Moreau's romantic life. "Though it would be annoying if we have to do this again."

Another forced outing surrounded by dense morons...

Andrew's had to deal with enough obliviousness.

Neil smirks. "You know, Kevin might flip out if they get together."

Ah, another rare pro...

Neil leans away, regarding Andrew like he's taken on a new sleuth role. He rubs his chin too, to add to the drama of it. Maybe Andrew should get him a monocle, if he's going to be this much of a fuck. "So...if you don't care if they realize it, why think about it at all? I'll be honest, I didn't think you'd care about something like this."

Andrew's not quite sure why or if he does either. It doesn't have to be a thing that applies to them, if he doesn't want it to be.

Their this is unique. Andrew had been so resistant to using the word 'love' because it had been spit on and turned to bile, misused by people throughout his life. But in doing so, he ignored the times people used it genuinely. In the past, he would've contested that. He would've said it was never genuine, never earned. The commercialized concept wasn't something he'd let himself have in common with others.

But lately, Andrew finds that having some things in common with certain people isn't reprehensible. And in this case...

Aaron's voice comes barreling through his head, steering Andrew to destinations he couldn't find before. And well, now he knows why his brain can't let go of Aaron and Katelyn as his go to example.

"Our feelings for them are the same."

Yes. Andrew had slowly begun to accept that. Maybe that's why his brain wouldn't write off Katelyn's words so easily.

Begrudgingly, Andrew admits there's a lot more to his brother's relationship than pure affection, even when most of it is behind closed doors. Katelyn had been there through the worst parts of Aaron's college life, and she'd never once judged him or ignored the ugliest bits. Not even when he hated her, could Andrew look past those things. They meet her own definition, and Andrew's simply choosing to extend some trust to his brother. Aaron says he's in love, so Andrew believes him even when he doesn't believe in the feeling's history, in the way it's manipulated.

And well, if his feelings are the same...

Well, he guesses he can try to accept that too.

"I was testing it," Andrew answers, without much struggle. Katelyn's definition, any definition. Andrew looks at Neil straight on then, and the striker's grin fades. Something crosses over those eyes, like for once Andrew is ahead of him. "Love. I think I'm trying to decide if I...want to say it."

If I want to say 'I love you.' If it applies at all.

Not need, but want.

Is it something heavy, or is it something inconsequential?

It feels wrong, but Andrew knows he's reached the crux of his problem. This is where all his restlessness stemmed from, his observations about Jean and Jeremy, about the girls...

It had nothing to do with them, but everything to do with whether or not he'd ever want to have that in common with them.

He'd ignored the fact he most likely already does.

But the words...he never would've bothered before. They don't mean much, other than the weight society has put on them, and Andrew's never cared about that. He doesn't need them to know this is something sturdy in his life, and he doubts Neil needs them either.

It's more...this is another thing life took from them, took from Neil. They've never expected to regain everything; they never feel like life owes them.

It has nothing to do with that. It's just the same as with a lot of other instances; Andrew wants to give these things to Neil, because Neil is his.

Does there have to be some deeper explanation or justification for it? Even if there is, Andrew stops looking for it.

He waves off Neil's shocked expression, and doesn't ponder why it's there in the first place. He's been in the wrong before, assuming he's the only one who thinks about stuff like this. It's possible this has been on Neil's mind too, but that's not the point.

"I don't mean now, or anytime soon," Andrew corrects. No, no. He's not there yet, and it's not like it's some milestone they have to reach. Andrew doesn't like to think it could encompass how he feels, but maybe his biggest issue with this is that...he's not sure he hates the idea of it anymore. The word. One day, he might be able to say it and know it means a lot more than what other people think about it. And that would be enough. "But one day."

The shadows of the displays wash over Neil's expression, and Andrew can't pull anything out of it. Neil stares, hand still curled impossibly tight in Andrew's.

Andrew won't take back anything he said, but Neil's silence is beginning to unnerve him. He could have overstepped he realized, he should've asked for Neil's opinion at some point, weighed it against--

"You know, Aaron talked to me about this once," Neil offers finally. It's not what Andrew's expecting him to say. Then, Neil's face twitches, and Andrew can tell he's...holding back a smile. "That night you picked Katelyn up, we talked about...yeah."

Yeah.

Andrew knows the gist of what happened, Neil filled him in. Guess he didn't reveal all the details though.

Neil's laugh is a breathy, comforting thing this time. "He made me think about it. He asked if I loved you."

Neil smiles wryly, an expression he's begun to pair with Aaron lately. It's not a glare or scowl nearly as much anymore.

Andrew stills, but relaxes in the next second. They'd both been subject to the same thoughts after all, Andrew just didn't realize how similar the sources were. Aaron and Katelyn are menaces, and they don't even realize it.

Andrew doesn't feel nervous, or anxious. The way Neil feels about him is obnoxiously stone-like and unmovable at this point, as much as Andrew still sometimes tries to act like it's not. Neil won't say anything to make him doubt that.

"I said I did," Neil continues, like it's obvious. Andrew's pulse hiccups a little anyways. Stupid. "But I didn't know if I ever wanted to say it to you. It's more like...well obviously I do feel that way right? In the whatever—traditional sense."

Traditional. Ha.

He's not sure even Katelyn's definition is truly traditional in its selflessness.

Neil clears his throat, palm clammy in Andrew's own. Second by second, Andrew feels lighter. Neil's rambling is a strange salve, one more thing they have in common. Too much thinking, when the answer doesn't have to be so complex. Neil tries to glance away, but Andrew grabs his chin, keeping them face to face. He wants to have all this forever, every expression, every blink.

Neil swallows, but his smile stays, making a liar out of him before the words even leave his mouth. "But one word doesn't seem like enough, and if we did say it wouldn't it just be for other people's satisfaction? I don't need it to know you feel the same way..."

Andrew shakes his head in disbelief. Neil. Only Neil would expect that from Andrew. Andrew's mind exhales.

The convoluted mess of words echoes Andrew's own thoughts throughout the day, but it's never sounded clearer. No, it's true, one word will never be enough, but Andrew thinks if he could come to associate the word, the phrase, with this feeling, unique to them...

It wouldn't be so damaged anymore.

It would still be theirs, and no one else's. He'd have his own definition, to overwrite the rest.

"But even then..." Neil adds, quietly, his voice dancing with the song still playing around them. The lyrics are in English again, and Andrew knows the ride will end soon. Cass is barely a blip in his mind now, compared to Neil's words, the ones which mirror Andrew's. "I still thought it might be nice, one day, to say it. That doesn't make sense, does it?"

Logically no. All the contradictions, the back and forth...feelings are a strange thing and that's one reason Andrew's always hated them. There's no rhyme or reason, and there's two sides to each one. All justification is ruled out by one thing and one thing alone: 'I still want to.'

And in that sense, Neil's words make perfect sense.

But he can't confess all that; instead he cups Neil's face in his hands, smoothing over the scars like he always does. The roughness is a constant, familiar. "I hate you," he says, with no heat. It makes both of them blink, and Andrew realizes it's been a while since he said it. That too, has changed. But in this case, he thinks it's more than fair. He's feeling more than he possibly knows what to do with. "Yes or no?"

The fact he asks makes Neil snort; it's nostalgic, because...they don't ask as much these days. But Neil's 'yes' echoes loud and clear as they pass under the final archway, and for the first time all day, their lips meet. Neil sighs into him, his hands coming up to rest over Andrew's, breathing in the unspoken promise.

Nothing was decided, nothing fleshed out. But it didn't have to be.

One day, maybe.

They're both more than okay with that. Besides, Andrew did always say proof meant more than words.

And he has mountains of it to last in the meantime.

With only a little annoyance, Andrew admits he fell into the trap without meaning to; they shared a kiss at Disneyland.

Andrew pulls away as the sunlight begins to pour over them, and he squints, already missing the ride. Quiet it was not, but not as bad as the sounds and size of the crowd. If he ever does have to come back, he knows it will be a place to stop.

It makes him think of Neil, first and foremost, and he's long since stopped denying himself that.

Neil tries to help Andrew out of the boat, but Andrew swats him away for being a shit. He doesn't need help. As revenge, Neil smirks at him once they're walking down the exit path, adjusting his ears just to be even more irritating. Not cute. "Wait, so this means you admit Katelyn and Aaron are in love. Can I tell them?"

Andrew rolls his eyes, and Neil laughs. He'll never live that one down, and if Neil wants to survive he'll keep it to himself.

Mockery aside, Neil links their hands together, and Andrew pushes his face away before accepting the touch. Neil hasn't stopped smiling.

"Something to say Neil?" He says with a glare, and though he knows it's a joke at best, it makes that obnoxious warmth in him surge.

Neil smiles wider, dragging Andrew down the path with no idea where he's going. Andrew lets him.

"No," Neil throws behind him, humor lacing his tone. Gradually, the corner of Andrew's mouth twitches. "Not at all."

--

"Andrew! Neil!" Jeremy's voice booms from across the pavilion, and they both freeze in their analysis of where the best hiding spot would be in the entire park (Andrew is making a case for Toontown, but puts a pin in it).

Their time alone is officially over.

"Shit," Neil mutters, hand still linked in Andrew's. Normally at the sight of people they know, he'd pull away for Andrew's comfort, but Andrew keeps his grip firm.

He wants this today. Neil beams, sighing at the rest of the group's advance. It must be twice as sad now, since Neil knows.

Jeremy and Jean follow with the girls in tow, and as they get closer Andrew can see Laila's resigned smile. She and Alvarez have been caught too, despite their best efforts, and Andrew can tell nothing has changed.

The 'magical moment' they'd tried to pull out of Jean and Jeremy didn't happen, just like Andrew knew it wouldn't. Regardless, they're as hopeless as ever.

Jean trails close after Jeremy, eyes scanning his strong back while Jeremy keeps looking to make sure he's following. They're still dancing around one another, oblivious, but that's their own problem to sort out.

Still...there's a shift in Jean's features that wasn't there before, and Andrew is all too happy to wither it away with a glare.

He's accepting, not forgiving.

Whatever realizations Jean came to today have no other impact on Andrew other than an urge to get as far away as possible from it.

But there's hours to go.

Hours more to go, with Neil's hand in his. The striker throws a knowing grin back at him before pulling him forward, probably dead set on meddling as much as possible.

With the promise of 'one day' still fizzing strong in his chest, Andrew follows.

There's no more memories of this place to overwrite, so he has no choice but to crack open the door a little for some new ones.

That, at least, he can handle.

[ranjxtul]

Young and Beautiful

Okay, here’s the Cleves angst I promised, loves! Huge TW for eating disorders and body image issues. Please please stay safe! Also shoutout to @lailaliquorice for once again head canoning quite a bit of this with me! Aragon’s implied disorder, by the way, comes from the fact that historically she fasted unhealthily as well as taking account into her anxiety. That’s one of the things Laila and I talked about. And it’s possibly a whole other one shot, but anyway; enjoy!

Anna knew she had it the easiest of all the queens. She even talked about it in the show. She’d gotten a resplendent palace and loads of money from Henry whereas Aragon had been humiliated, tossed aside, and imprisoned. Anne and Katherine had been murdered. Parr had been forced to leave the one she loved, and Jane had died trying to make Henry happy with a son.

Anna’s story couldn’t hold a candle to everyone else’s. She’d gotten it ‘good’ as far as everyone else considered it. In consequence, she shoved down any insecurities that gnawed at her consciousness. She didn’t air them out, her silence was crucial. She could suffer in silence.

It all started very ‘normally.’ She’d always been conscious of her appearance, since Henry in reality. She never let it show how much his words got to her then and now even. Now she stared into mirrors with a hypercritical eye, searching for any and all flaws that made her ugly. She fixed what she could, and she got by.

She ignored how her flaws became her obsession, and how she constantly compared herself to the other queens. She ignored how much she envied Aragon’s hair, Kitty’s thin stature, and Parr’s face shape. She distanced herself with the burning, critical, self hatred as much as she could.

Then, as the show grew in popularity, she saw the comments. She saw people comparing her to the rest of the queens, and calling her less than. She took every comment about her appearance to heart. Without a second thought, she believed them. Whatever the other queens said to her must have been a lie because they didn’t want to hurt their friend with the truth. People behind a computer screen told the ugly truth.

They reminded her of the fact that her waist wasn’t small enough, that her face was too full, that her arms and legs were too thick. One can only compartmentalize comments like that for so long, especially when one believed them without question.

Soon enough, those comments played in her head loud and clear whenever she saw herself and whenever someone complimented her. They drowned out any positive reinforcement in favor for their insidious omnipresent whispers of self deprecation.

Then, those comments started to play in her head not only when she saw her reflection, but when she sat down to eat. She didn’t know how those thoughts connected with it all, but she did know that as time passed looking at food made her stomach drop. She didn’t have to know how many calories were in the food exactly, she could guess, and it was always too many.

If there were too many calories, that would surely contribute to her already disparaging appearance. She’d gain weight more weight and look even worse than she already did. Her waist would be even thicker, she’d have more excess fat, her jawline would soften to an unattractive blurred line.

It all progressed in such a way that Anna lost track of it. First, it started with replaying insults, then she didn’t believe any compliments. Next, she scrutinized herself in mirrors to the tiniest detail. Then, her head would spin at the thought of eating high calorie foods and gaining weight. That translated to actions soon.

Here and there she’d eat less, and if she felt like she was eating too many calories she’d ‘get rid’ of them all. The hollow feeling was satisfying. If the other queens began to suspect anything, she’d simply force her way through a dreadfully bad meal and purge herself of it later.

The others couldn’t  know. Anna already knew she had no right to share her story, much less have resultant trauma. Maybe this was payback in some twisted way for having it so easy. Perhaps fate wanted her to suffer for pretending like she belonged. In some twisted way, she believed she deserved this.

She deserved to look in the mirror and see her flaws. She deserved to purge herself of what she ate, because then she could fix what she saw wrong in the mirror. She could belong a bit more once she fixed her appearance. Even if she couldn’t alter her narrative, she could look attractive telling it, at the very least.  

The minute she started to see results, and her numbers dropping on the scale, Anna felt an inexplicable rush of pride. Accompanied by this rush of pride came a louder voice in her head, encouraging that she continue. It whispered its little insults in her ear each time she saw herself, gaining volume with each time, fueling her behaviour.

That same rush of pride filled her veins when she was able to hide it. The other queens hadn’t picked up on it yet. None of them made any indication of suspecting anything. On the flip side, the idea that they could find out terrified her even more. They couldn’t know she was broken. They couldn’t know she had problems, not when everyone else had more important issues.

She had it all under control, and she could stop once she fixed everything that was wrong with her. She could rest when she was attractive enough, when she was small enough.

What she didn’t anticipate was how much her disordered behaviour took out of her. Her normal wit dimmed and her mind became lethargic. Her body slowed too. It was as if she was walking through water. It became apparent when in shows she’d miss a line here or there, or a piece of choreography. For the most part she blamed a sleepless night and loaded up on caffeine before the next show in an attempt to right her mind, if she was asked.

No matter the downsides though, the positives outweighed the negatives. She was fixing what needed to be fixed. Unfortunately, the more weight she lost and the more she was able to rectify in the mirror, the more she saw that was wrong. A little bit more she kept telling herself, and then it would be enough. That false promise satisated the ever diminishing voice of logic telling her what she was doing was harmful. The most satisfying part of it all though was how well she hid it.

No one noticed. She didn’t have to worry them with this. She could fix everything silently and what everyone else needed her to be. Because after all, her life was amazing, or it was supposed to be. She didn’t have Aragon’s crippling anxiety, trauma like Anne or Kitty, or issues like she knew Jane and Cathy hid. She wasn’t supposed to be broken, and she wasn’t supposed to struggle.

Besides, if the only struggles were fatigue and lowered energy, she could handle it. The more weight she dropped, the more that voice in her head thrived, and the more another part of Anna shattered.

“Anna! Carry me home! I’m tired,” Katherine playfully whined  glancing at Cleves wide eyed as they walked back toward the house after a show.

With a snort of amusement and a shake of her head she said, “Aren’t we all tired?” the question came out in jest. She stopped then to lift Katherine off the ground. “There, you happy?” she chuckled, ignoring the shaking in her limbs.

Katherine tried to lie back in Anna’s arms as she normally would, only to feel her core muscles involuntarily engaging and her arms tightening around the German’s neck as her unsteady arms attempted to properly hold Katherine. She’d never felt like Anna would drop her before, but now, she couldn’t help but to wonder. “Yeah,” she nodded, hoping her own lapse in normalcy had been imperceptible. Now wasn’t the time to bring it up in front of everyone.

When the queens arrived back home and Anna set her down, everyone headed their separate ways for sleep. With only a moment’s mental deliberation, Katherine trailed Aragon toward her room. “Hey, Catherine, can I talk to you?” she asked, subconsciously fidgeting with her hands.

Surely it was nothing. Anna was fine, and she’d just been tired. Then again, she’d been tired before and she hadn’t been shaking. Something in Katherine’s gut just told her something was wrong, and who better to talk to than Anna’s other best friend.

Aragon turned at the sound of the youngest queen’s voice, “Of course,” she nodded, a small frown passing over her face, upon observing Katherine’s body language.

Once the pair was situated comfortably in Aragon’s room, the older woman turned to Katherine, “What’s up?”

“Well, when I asked Anna to carry me home I noticed she was shaking, and of course I know that could be for a number of reasons, but it just felt wrong? She’s never had trouble picking me up before or carrying me. It was like she was going to drop me. Do you know if she’s okay?” Katherine asked a bit hurriedly, needing answers.

A more permanent frown rested on Catherine’s face now, “She’s been okay to my knowledge… I’m not sure what was up. Maybe she’s just been feeling a bit under the weather as a whole?” Aragon suggested.

“Yeah, maybe. Something just felt so off, and she hadn’t said anything to me so I wondered if she said anything to you,” she explained with a small shrug.

“She hasn’t, but hopefully whatever it was she can shake, yeah?”

From that moment out, Aragon kept a closer eye on Anna, just in case. It was out of character for Anna to struggle with picking someone as lithe as Kitty up What she began to notice troubled her, mainly because she was able to recognize some of her own behaviours. She noticed the way Anna spaced out all too often, how she forgot lines, and most obviously where she’d disappear off to after meals. Catherine actually had no idea, but it was like clock work. She also seemed to eat too much or far too little at meals. All of these symptoms together raised intense red flags in her mind.

She didn’t quite know how to approach it though. Anna could easily shrink away, and hide. That’s what Aragon had tried to do, but the more she observed her friend the more she was convinced something had to be done. Anna’s costume seemed too loose now, her face gaunter, and her hands shakier.

When it was just the two of them alone in the dressing room before a show, Catherine glanced over at Anna who sat on her phone, holding a cup of coffee. “Hey, you feeling okay?” she asked gently.

Catherine’s words struck a chord in Anna. Nobody had asked her that in a long time. Was there a reason? Had she slipped? “Yeah, I’m good,” she shook her head in an attempt to play off Aragon’s question and her own worries that she’d slipped.

The other woman observed Anna, noticing the flash of panic in her eyes at the question and the brief tightening of her jaw, along with the forced relaxing and forced answer. Said answer was a complete lie. “Just checking,” Aragon supplied.

It had been stupid of her to assume Anna would be open like that. She’d just have to watch and see if anything else happened that caused for direct concern. Then she could push the subject.

Some twisted luck seemed to be on Aragon’s side that day. During the megasix, she and Anna would dance together during Katherine’s part. She expected it to go as normal as usual, but much to her surprise, Anna wobbled and lost her balance. Had Catherine not reached out to steady her friend, she would have fallen.

Anna’s performance skills helped her keep up her energetic, facade when Catherine had to help. She laughed it off, but as she braved a glance to Aragon’s eyes she saw only concern and a certain knowing.

In consequence, she avoided Aragon like the plague. She made sure to go stagedooring with Jane and Katherine and to walk beside Parr and talk to her on the way home so as to avoid Aragon. Catherine had been through eating disorders before, and she had her own problems. There was no need for her to be worried, or even know.

What Anna couldn’t conceptualize was the need for worry. She denied even having a disorder. She knew what she did wasn’t healthy, but it wasn’t bad enough to be an actual disorder. Besides, Aragon should have been focusing on her own recovery versus worrying about Anna. She was okay. She was just fixing her flaws.

Much to the German’s dismay, later that night, Aragon stuck her head in Anna’s cracked open door. “Hey, can we talk for a minute?” her voice betrayed its nerves through the unsure tone.

Anna nodded with a sigh, “Sure. Come on in,” she sat up in bed. Best to assuage Aragon’s worries now if she could.

The other woman made her way into the room and took a seat at Anna’s desk. Before she could say anything else, Aragon started to speak, as i her window of opportunity was closing. “I’m worried Anna, and I know I’m not great with words so this might not come out well, but I’m worried about you. I’ve just noticed things and you almost fell today during the megasix because you lost your balance and-”

Anna cut Catherine off, “That was a mistake any one of us could have made, and I promise I’m okay. You don’t need to worry,” she shook her head. Underneath the nonchalance, Anna’s mind whirled. What had Aragon noticed? Surely she’d been careful enough to slip everything under the radar. She made sure to push through meals when she could so no one would ask. She could just get rid of it afterward.

“No, I know, but I just… Katherine’s worried too,” Aragon tried, knowing the pink haired girl still worried for her friend.

Anna’s stomach dropped. Katherine shouldn’t be worried about her. She didn’t need to be and she didn’t need to know what was happening. “Why’s she worried?” She cringed as her voice left unsure and insecure sounding, practically giving away the cracks in her mask,

“Because when you picked her up last time, she could feel your arms shaking. She felt like you were going to drop her,” Catherine softly explained. Maybe, just maybe Kitty’s worry could break through Anna’s disordered haze.

Anna tried to think back. Had she been that weak? How had she made Katherine feel so unsafe in her arms? Had it gotten that far? In the mirror she still didn’t all of the weight she’d dropped and she didn’t register being particularly hungry anymore.

Taking Anna’s silence as a minute victory, Catherine spoke again, “We want to be there for you, and help you. I’ve noticed how tired you are, how you disappear after meals. Please, try and speak to us.”

The sheer lack of judgement in Aragon’s voice caused Anna to glance up and meet her eyes briefly, only for her to look back down in shame. “It’s not that bad,” she said before she could tell herself to stop. It was like Aragon had tapped at all the right cracks, and even with Anna’s head telling her to stop speaking, she still had.

“It’s bad if you’re shaking like you are, and losing your balance. And it doesn’t have to be ‘bad’ for it to be something that you suffer with,” Aragon countered matter-of-factly. Anne had said very similar things to her. It would be useless to argue the actual degree of severity in that moment.

The German opened her mouth to speak, and then shut it. Aragon was one of her best friends, and she wasn’t Kat. She also knew what it was like. Maybe it could be beneficial to talk to her about it, but then again, that was just it. Catherine had to focus on herself and her own recovery and anxiety.

“You can talk to me about it, I promise,” Aragon prompted quietly in the silence. Her voice contained no pity, only empathy.

Then, before Anna could delay again she began to speak. Every single disordered thought had been eating at her and wiring her up until she couldn’t take it. Now that someone offered to listen, the part of her that wanted relief from the insecurities and little voice telling her how ugly she was, overrode the disorder telling her to stay quiet.

“It’s just, I see myself in the mirror and only see what’s wrong with me and what’s wrong, and then I see what people say about me. They’re so right, about me and my body being ugly. I wanted to fix it all and I’m doing my best but there’s so much. I just keep seeing more so I keep going, but it’s not enough. I know that this isn’t necessarily healthy, but I thought it was under control. Apparently not though, if Katherine’s noticed something and now you have. I just wanted to deal with it without troubling you guys.”

At the sudden outpour of emotions, Aragon was stunned into silence. After a moment of collecting her thoughts, she took a deep breath, “You said you know this isn’t healthy. You know it’s a disorder right?” she started.

Before she could continue, Cleves shook her head, “But it’s not that bad.”

“Yes, it is. You’re purging when you disappear after the meals you do eat,” Aragon said bluntly in an effort to catch Anna’s attention. “And all of those flaws and insecurities and your disorder voice screaming at you. Regardless, we want to be there for you. We love you.”

It made Anna uncomfortable that Aragon was able to peg her habits down so quickly, and it felt strange to acknowledge she had an actual problem. It was like she wasn’t fucked up enough to begin with to have this problem. “You all have your problems though, and mine are insignificant in comparison, always have been,” she shrugged.  

“That doesn’t mean you don’t have your own, Anna, and this isn’t insignificant. It’s clearly hurting you,” Catherine insisted.

With a sigh, Cleves braved a short glance up at Aragon, “I don’t know what to do.” That was the most honest thing she could offer in that moment.

“Can you let us try to help?” Catherine asked raising a brow at her friend.

‘Us,’ is what set red flags off. No one else could know, at least not right then. “No! Well, not everyone,” she clarified.

“What about me then?”

“I guess, but don’t you have your own recovery to focus on?”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be here for you and help you out of this. You’re my best friend Anna. And we can take it slow, step by step, but it needs to be done. You can’t keep going like this,” Catherine shook her head. She hoped to God she hadn’t made Anna feel guilty about this all, but part of her knew it was inevitable. Even if everyone’s experiences with eating disorders varied, guilt was a unifying variable.

“Thank you,” Anna said giving a stressed smile to her friend. She hoped her gratitude truly showed in those two words. Catherine shouldn’t have wanted to help her, but yet here she was. She was caring, and if nothing else she’d given Anna a brief outlet to vent all of her issues with herself.

Looking at recovery right then and there, it was terrifying. There was still a part of her mind trying to grasp she even had a disorder. That would be the first step she figured, but past that the uncertainty made her stomach do a flip.

She wasn’t even sure she wanted to recover yet. She felt so at home in her vicious thoughts and harmful behaviours that coping without them brought a wave of anxiety crashing down over the German. Though, looking at Aragon and considering her circumstances and how much care she’d shown, she owed to her to try, at the very least.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Would you have wanted the original Gaskell SL, if it hadn't been the bloated mess of bigoted sensationalist stuff it was, to deal with like. Everything? Like Henrik (and John's) sexuality, the abuse, however Jac fits into everything? Or just the first two? How do you like to think Henrik handles talking about All Of That with Russ?

Answering this in between making Dylan and Paula gifs, apologies if I'm not very coherent.

Obviously we all know I wanted Henrik's (and John's) sexuality dealt with upfront from the start. I mean, realistically it's probably better off that they didn't, because if they'd made Henrik explicitly bi sooner they would've been able to shove him into the 'bi cheater' stereotype they always end up using -_- But in my fantasy world where Holby aren't obsessed with bigotry, yeah, they really should have delved into that.

I actually think it would've been an interesting move, thinking about it, to confirm Henrik as bi during the Gaskell storyline... and still keep him closeted in-universe until Russ arrived. Play the long game with it. Show the audience he's bi, give us a Johnrik kiss or confirmation they slept together at uni or something, but keep the whole thing of him being shoved firmly back into the closet by John's betrayal (which in this universe would've just been about the unethical experiments. We didn't need the serial killer nonsense, and John would've been a far more interesting character if they just stuck to the idea of him genuinely wanting to do good with his work, but making the wrong decisions in the present just in the hope of eventually getting to his idea of some future "greater good").

Now that would have been something. I don't think I've ever really seen a soap do that, if a character is revealed as LGBTQ later on (rather than arriving already out like, say, Dom did) they usually come out or are outed within the same storyline. To subvert that could have been really fascinating.

I don't know if I would have wanted the abuse stuff addressed directly with Henrik in that particular storyline. Maybe if it had already been done by then in this fantasy universe (I'm still convinced it was planned in series 13/14 and then they backed out, either because Henrik's relationship with Sahira was meant to be integral to the storyline (but obviously in a different way than it was in the story we actually got...) and Laila Rouass quit sooner than they were expecting, or because they thought it was too much with Greg's CSA story also going on).

Otherwise I think I would've rather had it delved into more with John (seriously, we got one scene about his backstory in his literal second-to-last episode, we needed more), and possibly Jac. Keeping up the parallels between the three, but not quite getting into where Henrik fits into it all just yet. Then still doing the Henrik abuse reveal later on, but like, done RESPECTFULLY and canon-compliantly instead of whatever the fuck it was we actually got. But as I say, I don't really know. It's a good question.

They REALLY should have delved into how Jac fit into everything. They set up that whole triad of parallels between the three of them and then just never did anything with it and it was so weird??

As for how Henrik talks to Russ about it all... that's something I hope to get around to answering via fic eventually. Russ clearly knows what happened with John, and knows Henrik was in love with him, but I don't get the impression he learned about it via Henrik actually talking to him (they don't seem to have had much contact for a while before Russ turned up at Holby). More likely he read about John in the news, and remembered Henrik telling him about John before (I still can't decide whether I think Henrik admitted outright that he had feelings for John, in which case he would've probably been very drunk because I can't see a sober 1990s/2000s Henrik talking about that, or just talked about him in such a way that it was obvious to Russ that Henrik loved him).

So they haven't had an actual conversation about it all yet. And of course the conversation would be a lot harder for Henrik now that Jac's gone, given how involved she was in everything, given that she wasn't the first of John's former trial patients to develop cancer...

I kind of wonder if the first time they'd talk about it would be when Henrik's upset about Jac. That it would come from him mulling over whether Jac's death was his fault (read: whether there was any chance John's experiments could've caused Jac's tumour, which, from Henrik Unhealthy-Amount-Of-Guilt Hanssen's point of view, would mean it was all his fault).

Then there's the question of how they'd talk about the abuse stuff, which was obviously very tied up into everything with John. If their first proper conversation about John and what he did isn't because of Henrik's guilt about Jac, then chances are it'll be when Henrik tells Russ about the abuse. I don't know how that initial conversation would start, but I can see Henrik murmuring something about how John understood, and from there... yeah.

[thisiskindagross]

Better late than never. Here’s your question dump for some things y’all have been curious about. I did 55 questions.

1. why does heaven get to distribute death sentences to the Fallen if they decide to directly serve satan? I'm talking about what happened with ipos and sheila. Did the fallen have to sign a contract or something saying they cant talk to satan after the fall? why would heaven even care, since the fallen chose to leave heaven on their own free will and aren't their business anymore?

Heaven’s strange in the sense that they give themselves that authority. They are aware that the Fallen follow Satan and have pledged their allegiance to him, so they don’t care if they have contact with him; however, there are a select few Fallen that Heaven doesn’t want talking to Lucifer about certain things. Ipos was one of those people. They pretty much told him not to discuss anything involving Heaven as a whole, or giving Lucifer any help to give him an edge during the Apocalypse or else they’d punish or kill them depending on how severe the information was. So Ipos finding out about the Horsemen and where they were and telling Lucifer was a big enough deal to Heaven for them to shut him down.

2. So Michael fights with a torch, Zad fights with a knife, and Chamuel fights with two short sickles. Do the other archangels have distinct weapons like these? If so, what are they?

Uriel has God’s light, Gabriel has a spear, and Jophiel has the wheels of fire on his ankles since he’s the fastest angel. Raphael doesn’t have a troop to command so he’s not great at fighting, but he does have something that comes up in the Memory Arc later that he uses.

3.  I noticed during the "Wager" update that Pestilence has a scar going down her back. How did she get it?

This is kinda not released yet so I’ll be vague, but it’s not so much of a scar as it is an orifice.

4.  We know that Zadkiel put Satan's summoning symbols on a pad to "protect him during the End of Days", but why specifically? Like did Zadkiel know that Natalie was the prophecy child from the get-go and wanted to get her on Luce's side? Or was it just to delay the fight between him and Michael?

They did not know specifically Natalie was the prophecy child, it was more of a gamble. It was done to delay the fight because Michael isn’t the kind of person to harm someone in a contract, so the unlucky person who got contracted to Satan was like a temporary meat shield so to speak.

5.  About how far are we into the story you envisioned telling?

This is hard to answer cuz I have something planned at a later date, but I’d say a decent amount in.

6.  Which of the angels/demons would be the best with kids? I feel like Anthea and Gabriel would be great parents tbh

Gabriel, Chamuel, Anthea, Uriel, to name a few.

7.  what's titus' birthday?

October 23. I believe I said a different date in a stream once, but I changed my mind and set this as the official date.

8.  Has Michael ever been put in the Tank? What was his reaction?

He has never been in the Tank before.

9.  Why wasn’t Raphael punished for healing Natalie at Oregon? He helped out the "other side" too, it wasn't just Gabe. Did Michael never find out about Raphael's involvement? Or DID he know and he just chose to punish Gabe because he's the one that dragged Raphael into the situation? Love your work btw!

Michael knew Raphael was involved, but I think a little bit of him was sympathetic since he had been stabbed and poisoned and was on his death bed not long before this.

Since I haven’t publicly explained what the Tank is or does yet, I have to be vague. But Raphael is the only angel in Heaven forbidden from even going near the building where they keep the Tank. There is actually a sign on the door and guards forbidding Raphael from entering the building. Since Raphael is the only healer of Heaven and he’s a very depressed/easily influenced person, the higher ups don’t think the Tank would be a beneficial punishment for him.

10.  How did Raguel get his job? Like what about him stood out to Heaven? Does he just hide his sociopathic tendencies well lol

Raguel was created purposefully with the intent of being a replacement angel if one of the Archangels were to die. The Higher Ups asked God to make them an angel as a sort of “test run” angel and he reluctantly agreed.

The Higher Ups want angels to have very little interest outside of their jobs, and not be emotionally fueled. Raguel’s literally the first attempt at a prototype of an “emotionless” angel that will only obey orders.

They’re going to find out that that’s not the case with him later.

11. Are you planning any couples?

There will be some couples, there will be some “flings” that don’t last, there will even be some children. But that stuff’s very far away UuU

12.  Hi （〜^∇^)〜 In the beginning, did you plan for Satan and Me to just be comedy and then you came up with the plot or did you have the plot in mind when you started the comic ? (By the way, I love this comic and the others you create (♥ω♥*) Keep up the good work and take as much time as you need to do so, we fans will always support you ( ˘ ³˘)♥)

I just doodled, though I had no interest in keeping it a comedy. I like drama/angst with comedic and romantic elements. But no, I just went with whatever came into my head when I sat down.

Thank you for the support!

13.  does hell know that a part of natalie is still there?

Yes, it knows.

14.  Do you plan what you're going to write on each page or do you make it up as you go along?

I sit down and whatever happens, happens. I let the story dictate itself.

15.  is god going to show up again in this arc or is he just staying in his lane?

I have no intention of God showing up again this arc, but anything’s possible.

16.   I'm curious about the significance of characters that have the black iris but the colored pupil. Is that to show that the characters are more reserved, bc I've seen you do it with both Raph and Francisco and they're both on the quiet side

Pure coincidence, my friend UuU

17.  I don't know if you'll see this or if it'll be answered/has been answered already but- I was just wondering if perhaps we would be seeing War again before the comic ends? I really enjoyed his character, even though he's a little shit.

You will see War again in the Memory Arc.

18.  It seems like Kristi is always with Laila, but now a sleeping bag? Is Kristi's home life okay or is it just a sleepover?

Just a sleepover. Kristi takes some comfort clinging to Laila because Laila is calm and collected. She’s scared all the time since meeting Satan so she clings to Laila since she doesn’t know anyone else who is aware about supernatural beings, except for Natalie.

19.  How are Michael and Gabe right now I'm really worried about them!!!

Michael is upset about Lucifer’s wings and Gabriel is just getting his thoughts together after being in the Tank.

20.  Will uriel ever find out that he basically killed anthea?

Yes. Gabriel confronts him later.

21.  Sorry if you've answered this before because I couldn't find it but what does Zadkiel identify as? I know the angels and demons refer to them as she and they were a woman up in heaven (if I'm correct) but down on earth they've seemed to have favored a male form which I find really cute (and hope they continues to use throughout the comic sometimes) so yeah! Also if they are annoy would they be considered transgender or is that not a thing for the angels and demons? Hope you feel better Orange!

Zadkiel was originally intended to be written as genderfuid, but it worked out with them being nonbinary. I don’t believe they go by a specific male or female gender, but they do prefer the male form because it’s the form that they have the best success of making people submit with, unfortunately.

I wouldn’t call Zadkiel transgender in canon, but y’all can headcanon anything you want. Go nuts! :~)

22.  can demons and angels procreate with people? like why else would they have nuts to kick? or is just the body they're in?

They can procreate; however, it is illegal to procreate with humans. They would be executed as well as the human and child they procreated with an conceived.

23.  Here's the real question everyone should be asking. Where is Natalie's black bow/headband thing?

Perhaps it needs to make a comeback.

24.  Is Raphael still using "borrowed time"? Will that be touched on later in the comic?

Yes he is, and yes it will be.

25.  Will Zoè and Chamuel ever get some screen time together? Like it says in their profile that they're dating but Ive seen each of them like once or twice and on separate occasions

Yes, they will.

26.  WAIT! Why has no one asked this? What happened to Carla after the hospital situation?!

Michael delivered her back to her housing district in Heaven and left it at that.

27.  For some reason the Here It Comes comic account is marked as sensitive content suddenly. Is there anything you or myself could do about it?

While Satan and Me is relatively tame, Here it Comes is Mature in every sense of the the word. That blog has been set as a mature blog so you’d need to manually go into your settings to turn the safety off and you can see it again :~)

28.  Have you ever considered submitting a pitch bible to like Cartoon Hangover of Mercury Filmworks before? You have plenty of content and support! They could probably make SaM and even some of your other stories into animations n stuff?

Tbh I have no idea who those people are lol I’m out of the loop with stuff like that.

29. Does Gabriel have any crushes atm or that will develop?

Gabriel’s still stuck on Anthea right now.

30.  quick question about ipos' book. does it reveal stuff about the future like the real ipos he's based off of or is it just this big encyclopedia?

This is more like an encyclopedia he made to help Lucifer. He was good networking and digging stuff up so it’s a highly sought after book.

31.  If you don't mind me asking, do you ignore asks sometimes? Like, questions about the comic? It's fine if you do, but I wanted to confirm because I've sent a few questions before that were never responded to and I wasn't sure if they were received and just not answered or if my computer messed up sending them (which it does a lot).

I do sometimes if I know it will be explained later in the series. But for the most part I get a lot of asks and can’t address them all, and I don’t want to clog the blog with asks. So I do these question dumps from time to time so it’s more organized.

32.  In "No More Angels" how did Titus know Uriel was an archangel? Just from the sound of his voice? Uriel mentioning Raphael and Satan in the first panel might answer my question but I wasn't sure if he was just talking to himself or not.

Titus could feel stronger auras from people. They gave him headaches growing up, a sort of “side effect” of self preservation from Cain’s curse. He also did a lot of research and had seen a couple of supposed sightings of angels. Uriel happened to be one of those of the two he knew about.

33. you said that satan hates humans and sees them as beneath him and lower than dirt. how does this compare with how he sees natalie, since she is a human?

I’m sure he struggles with that from time to time, but her pros outweigh her cons. It’s shown sometimes in the series that he doesn’t like humans and finds a lot about them unappealing, exp: anytime she cries or drools or has a runny nose and he calls it leaking.

This will be touched upon later in the next Arc. Natalie isn’t just some positive kid who swayed an ancient heart. There is another element to it but I can’t say it right now.

34.  Does the devil ever get self-conscious about all the different depictions of himself and now he may or may not be able to live up to some of them?

It frustrates him a lot, but he can’t really do much about it.

35. I know you've had S&M planned out for a long while, but do you ever get to an arc and it just veers off wildly in a new direction? Or does it always get back to where you're going somewhere down the line?

Key elements stay the same, but yes, the events and characters just do what they want and I get surprised sometimes how different it turns out than originally intended.

The warehouse scene with Jericho and Natalie using her contract was out of left field and I was like “What the fuck are you saying?!” when Natalie used it because the original goal was to keep them contracted till the very end of the series. Sometimes stuff like that happens lol But it works out and I love it.

36.  In The Beginning, when Zad defected, Michael blamed Lucifer, and Lucifer made him think he'd actually been controlling Zad's actions. But I noticed Michael was all betrayed and surprised when that happened, so my question is, did Michael still have some sort of faith or trust in Lucifer until the Zadkiel incident? Cuz that seemed to prompt this character shift in Michael where he got broodier and less trusting?

I think Michael struggles with his denial about his brother. He’s floating on a blurred line of who he remembers Lucifer being and who he is in the present. The incident with Zadkiel made him a bit broodier because even though Lucifer’s an asshole, Michael never thought he’d stood so low as to blood poison his siblings. So that surprised him how cavalier he was being about taking credit for this. Like he lost some respect for Lucifer then.

37.  I have a question. Back in the beginning, there was that one day when Satan was all happy cuz he said it was game day and the world was gonna end. And then we went on this whole journey that ended in Run and basically didn't talk about it again. So why didn't the world end?

Game day meant that date was to start the beginning of the Apocalypse. Both sides were free to do anything they wanted, as agreed upon by Heaven, the Fallen, the Horsemen, and God. Before that they were coexisting but all parties going forward from that date were going to actively try to fuck over each other and drag humanity into it.

38.  I was rereading the entire comic (cuz jesus fuck I can't stop) and I found a thing. Before Run, Satan was always reading this blue book, and Nat would bust in and ask him a question or something. But the book always looked exactly the same. So was there anything particularly important about that book, or was it just always there?

It’s his favorite book. He has limited access to entertain himself stuck in Natalie’s home, so he’s reread the same books over and over.

39.  I noticed something. We've seen a bit of pre-fall Lucifer, and he looks different from both 'Stan' and the Satan we usually see now. Is there a reason he doesn't take his angel form anymore?

Pre-Fall Satan is tiny. It’s not intimidating enough, so Lucifer chooses to not take that form. He actively puts energy all day to maintain his bigger form, and would do so even fighting Michael, despite the fact if he reverted to his original form he would have more energy to fight. If he gets hurt badly enough or gets mentally compromised you can see him start regressing to his original form.

40.  Okay, so I was wondering. In that first arc when we met everybody, you could tell that Michael had been trying to catch up with Lucifer for a while, but he was also the one who ripped his wings off and threw him out. So I was curious, what was their first encounter after the fall like? And how did they get to that point?

Their first substantial encounter after the Fall is a story in the Bible where they argue over Moses’ dead body. They had casually run into each other before that but made no direct contact other than eye contact across a crowd.

Michael and Lucifer have had minimal contact since the Fall, hence why Satan’s reactions to Michael’s presence early on usually resorted in shocked anger and beating the shit out of him. How much contact they’ve had since Natalie came into the picture hasn’t happened since pre-Fall.

41.  Was Death created by God after or at the same time humans were created? Why does he hate Satan so much?

God created Death when he created the angels. He needed a mediator or a balance of sorts, since he established life he needed Death for consequences.

Death hates Satan because he taught his followers how to make contracts with humans and disrupt where their souls were going. Death is very particular about his job and Satan interferes too much. He also thinks he’s smug, entitled, and pompous. Which he is, so you can’t really fault him on that lol

42.  Hey orange, I'm not sure if this'd be spoilers or not, but is hellLuci a soul or a personification of hell or something? Who is he? And why hasn't he tortured Nat or something?

“Hell Satan” is a conglomerate of human souls taking Lucifer’s form to bother Natalie and gain her trust to mess with her. These souls do that to Lucifer too occasionally, where it takes Natalie’s form now it used to take Michaels. Pretty much whatever a close person is to Satan or Natalie, it morphs to it.

The main soul that usually talks the most when in Hell Satan’s form used to be a human named David, but since Hell fuzes souls together as one unity, it’s not likely he has any sense of individuality, just personality traits. Such as intrigue in long hair, as well as playing mind games.

Hell Satan takes its time before going straight into depravity, hence why when Natalie’s soul was removed from Hell, it was even willing to risk being pulled under into the lake to get her back. It feels robbed, and that’s a good way to get an immediate reaction from Hell.

43.  Is Satan's desperately thinking of asking Michael to help him because he's scared and he didn't mean for this to happen and he doesn't know what to do and he's lost and HE NEEDS HIS BIG BROTHER, a further sign of Natalie causing him to revert to the part of his nature that cares for others like he used to back when he and Michael were close????? Also Natalie made a bet in the early chapters were she said she'd get him to care about one person before the end of the world, does he remember that?

Yes, he remembers that. And yes, Satan’s go to to fix something if he ever thought he couldn’t would be to seek out Michael for help. It’s not intentional, but it’s his first instinct before he represses it. Boy needs to get out of denial.

44.  I saw the Group SaM Asks, but, I really wanted to ask if angels could still date humans? or be around them frequently, like Michael and kristi?

You can be around them but you cannot date them, marry them, have children with them. It’s also an unspoken rule to keep your identity a secret.

45. Why was Satan the only angel in heaven to not have any piercings? Did that have something to do with why he was able to rebel?

God gave “special case” angels no piercings, in a way of hinting that something was going to go down with a particular angel. Most angels noticed the ones without piercings, but didn’t know what it meant till after the fall. Now any angel without a piercing is looked at suspiciously, just in case.

46. I'm in a lot of fandoms who the fandom is very lighthearted but the fangroup is very dark *cough me cough * but this fandom here is talking about FREAKING SATAN and the fangroup is so lighthearted and is joking,playing pranks, ...I have to ask HOW?!

I don’t know, but it’s my favorite thing in the world

47.  Based off of his reaction, was Hell's chatter constant (like 24/7) even when Lucifer's seals weren't leaking?

Yes, it was never ending whispers/static in his head. When Natalie shut it off he was in shock for a while and zoned out for a bit because he wasn’t used to silence.

48.  What was laila's natural hair color?

Very light brown.

49. So I'm curious, what ever happened to Max's biological father? He and Carla divorced, but then what? Is he still part of Max's life? Did he die? Did he mutate into a zombie and become an extra on the Walking Dead? Sorry if this has already been asked, btw

He’s a deadbeat. Teen father, too hard, walked out. Not really part of the picture.

50.  IT BREAKS MY HEART HOW MICHAEL STILL INVITES HIM EVERY YEAR. The relationship between Michael and Lucifer is almost as big a part of the comic as Lucifer and Natalie and it's seriously heartbreaking. Could you maybe just talk a little about that?

Michael was the first angel Lucifer connected with. Michael was always very bubbly and lighthearted, which is a personality trait Lucifer gravitates towards. They were virtually inseparable and did everything together. So when Lucifer rebelled Michael took that extremely hard. He wasn’t ordered to physically retaliate when the Fallen were leaving, but he was emotional and angry and felt betrayed so he ordered the Fallen to have their wings removed if they were caught before they were kicked out so they couldn’t come back into Heaven.

Despite both of them saying they don’t care about each other anymore, it’s kinda obvious that it’s a lie. Lucifer doesn’t like seeing Michael because of old memories so he avoids him or tries to lash out/hurt him when he does see him to make himself feel better.

Natalie is the first person Lucifer developed a very close emotional bond with since Michael, and Michael is very jealous of that. Natalie and Michael are two people who aren’t aware of it that are competing in Lucifer’s heart.

51.  I just noticed in the most recent doodle dump on tapastic, there's one drawing of Natalie and lucifer kissing and lucifer is crying and his back is bleeding, and I thought it was a little weird that that "doodle" had a full background and everything. I was wondering if that was possibly the original idea for after Natalie came back to life and just got scrapped in favor of a more heartbreaking story line??

No, that was for April Fools and I let people request pairings and Natan was requested so I drew that since the current plotline at the time was so angsty lol

52.  so does pax just have a lot of libido or does he actually experience sexual attraction? just curious!

Both? I mean, he’s not picky with women. He just likes to hook up and whatever’s convenient at the time is good enough for him. However, he does have preferences and traits he prefers over others, so if given the option of fuckin Girl A who possesses 30% of his favorite traits or Girl B who possesses 80% of his favorite traits, he’d try for Girl B first if that makes sense.

53.  for the question dump: what is natalie's academic life like? like what's her GPA and has it lowered since she got involved with this end of days business? shes a senior, so was she planning on going to college? if so, what did she wanna major in? loaded question but i've always been curious

She had a relatively high GPA. She put a lot of effort into school, and tutored some classmates. Since she’s missed a lot of school her grades did go down, but not to the point that she won’t graduate if she gets at least Cs in her classes.

She is planning on going to college but not immediately. She’s a biology major.

54.  No mean to sound rude or anything like that, it's just a suggestion, but don't you think it would be better for you to have an assistant to help you for your comics?

I would, but sadly I cannot pay them anything, and I have an odd schedule so it would be too erratic to keep in touch with someone. I also don’t have anyone I trust giving access to the comic with that much authority atm, so for now it’s just gonna be lil old me :’~)

55.  Michael and Lucifer break my heart (I can relate, God). And this is kind of a huge deal now since we've got Michael feeling nostalgic about Lucifer and freaking out cause of his wings, so I have to ask: which of them is angrier at the other? And is there any chance of forgiveness on either side??? I care about this much more than I should and I need to knooooow!!! Help me Orange

Mmm... Angrier.... Idk, they’re both angry for different reasons. Currently in the comic atm I’d say Lucifer is angrier, since Michael is now just ensconced in grief over the wings. When he processes that we’ll see what stance he takes and if that sanded any of his rough edges or not.

Forgiveness is up to them UuU They’re both alike in how stubborn they are.

[tonystanksheart]

Knight/Princess AU

I spent all day at work thinking about this

Natalie as the princess, lonely and bored because her father keeps her confined to the castle grounds after her mother's tragic accident.

Lucifer as the wandering warrior who lends his blade to anyone who pays well, whether they're heroes or robbers, hiding the fact that he's the disgraced prince of a neighboring kingdom.

After an attempted kidnapping while she's out riding, the King decides his daughter needs a personal bodyguard to be with her at all times, but of course only the best knight in the land is good enough to watch over the princess.

So he sends out word of a contest, a competition of skills combined with a joust that will prove who is the best fighter in the whole kingdom, and the winner will be granted a title and the honor of guarding the princess.

Lucifer never backs down from even an indirect challenge, and he loves proving his superiority over others, so he signs up. He figures if/when he wins, he can run off with the prize money and let his runner up take babysitting duty.

Of course, things don't exactly go to plan.

To start with, the princess keeps slipping her current guard to go wander through the warrior camp and try and talk to and befriend them all. It works with most of them, they’re enamored with her and double down on their attempts to win. Lucifer, however, always tries to avoid her visits, finding her an annoying distraction, which of course only makes her more determined to befriend him.

While there are many strong competitors (Zadkiel, Ipos, Pax), Lucifer and Titan become the clear front runners early on. It's the two of them who face off in the final round, one on one, sword against sword.

It's a tense and bloody battle, but Lucifer wins in the end, getting Titan disarmed on his back in the dirt, Lucifer's sword an inch from his throat.

Lucifer is called to meet with the King and Princess before the feast set to mark the end of the joust, and he expects to get his material prize and slip away during the party, off to some other land where they can never catch up. Instead, the King informs him his “prize” is really more of a stipend, paid monthly so long as the Princess remains under his guard, and he starts immediately.

So Lucifer finds himself not drinking and hitting on Lords and Ladies all night, but instead getting towed around by the Princess, who insists on tasting every single item at the banquet and forces him to be her dance partner despite the numerous others vying for a moment alone with her.

Lucifer’s new life alternates between sitting around Natalie’s rooms, bored out of his skull as her tutors give her exhausting lessons on everything from etiquette to Latin, and chasing her around the grounds and local villages because she keeps wanting to go riding or visit her common-folk friends and if anything happens to her on his watch he is so dead.

And then of course comes the day when someone once again tries to kidnap Natalie, perhaps after she convinced Lucifer to let her out alone for just a short walk, and when they succeed Lucifer realizes he can’t lose her and tracks them down himself, marching into their hideout and cutting down anyone who stands behind him and his Princess.

Random additional thoughts on this:

Lucifer refuses to address Natalie properly, calling her “girl” and “kid” just like in canon, much to the scandalization of all the noble folk who call her “Your Highness”

Lucifer’s rooms attach to Natalie’s, with a door between them in case he needs to suddenly break in in the middle of the night and save her from something (eyebrow waggle)

Anthea is Natalie’s handmaiden, Felix is a squire, Kristi is a Duchess, Laila is a stablehand

All the angels are, of course, princes and lords of a kingdom across the mountains, who at some point discover their long-lost brother is guarding the neighboring kingdom’s princess and decide they better put a stop to that because clearly Luci can’t be trusted with royalty, but their plan sort of falls apart when Natalie’s response to “your knight is a traitor” is “and? I like him”

The King decided his daughter would require a guard until her marriage, and at first Lucifer decides to throw her at every eligible bachelor in the land to try and get out of his contract, but then he starts getting jealous and tries to keep anyone from trying to court her

also the King really didn’t expect the guard to be the one his daughter ended up marrying but whatever makes her happy he guesses?

[aftgexchange]

Pinch hits #6-24

Pinch-hits are up!

These are all the prompts that were unfilled because their person dropped out or hasn’t posted their gift, and a pinch-hit is when someone volunteers to pick it up so no one is left without a gift

Please only volunteer if you can finish a pinch-hit within the next week (by the 19th Dec)

You don’t have to have signed up for the exchange to pick one

First come, first serve

Send me an ask with the # you’d like and I’ll let you know who it’s for

Minimum requirements for each kind of gift are here

All claimed, thank you!!

#6 TAKEN Would like: Art, Fic, Graphics/Edits, Headcanons, Playlist Andreil, kandreil, jerejean, rikev, twindreil, any ichirou ship... basically any but Renison, that one's just not my thing. Raven aus, dark aus w/o character death, hurt/comfort or angsty fluff, but anything lbr NSFW is fine

Would not like: Character death or Renison   #7 TAKEN Would like: Art, Fic, Headcanons Andreil, jerejean, Matt and Dan. Platonic foxes or Trojans Hypothermia (with bed sharing) First snowfall with the cats Neil's first real Christmas NSFW is fine

Would not like: No kandreil. No Riko without comeuppance. No non con or bdsm   #8 TAKEN Would like: Art, Fic, Graphics/Edits Andrew, Aaron, Neil, Jeremy, Jean, Andrew x Neil, Aaron x Katelyn, Jeremy x jean, anything about the foxes in general 1) The twinyards coming to a resolution - can be about their relationship in general or a given situation in which they need to come together 2) Andrew and Neil - long distance. Maybe they can't see each other over the Christmas period due to scheduling, they make it work 3) Jean intending to spend his first Christmas out of the nest alone, the Trojans show him that that's not a possibility 4) Any au situation where Andrew and Neil meet for the first time. Can be outside of college, can be in a high school setting or just after graduation (could even be in a college setting but can't be Exy related) 5) The foxes doing something for Neil that he doesn't expect. Andrew going out of his way to make it happen 6) Aaron spending Christmas with Katelyn and away from his family NSFW is fine

Would not like: Kevin x Aaron, Matt x Aaron, Riko as a main character   #9 TAKEN Would like: Art, Fic, Headcanons, I have a preference for rare ships. I'm happy to receive anything, but honestly, I have these 'weird' ships like... Seth/Allison/Neil as an example. I just like rare things that look like they'd be interesting to experiment with! I like Barista/Coffeeshop AUs, as often as they crop up. Soulmate AUs, Wingfics, supernatural beings... vampires, werewolves, centaurs. I don't mind I just like them. All and any of them. And obviously, I'm fine with them being in other situations as themselves or as they were in canon. It's fine, I don't mind. NSFW is fine   #10 TAKEN Would like: Art Kandreil (this would make me extremely happy), or I guess Andreil is also good MagicAU or Fantasy AU; SoulmateAU; anything like that (I also really love angst) NSFW is fine   #11 TAKEN

Would like: Art, Fic, Headcanons Raven!Neil, JereJean, Dan/Matt, Allison/Seth, Katelyn/Aaron, Andreil, Laila/Alvarez, Renee/Jean, Nicky/Erik Raven!Neil (preferably finding/after finding Andrew); any type of recovery (ie Andrew or Neil or Jean accepting their scars); angst ending in fluff (like Jean or Neil explaining how they never celebrated the winter holiday)

Would not like: Riko/anyone, Renee/Allison, Neil/Andrew/Kevin and no explicit nsfw (can be alluded to but nothing more) please.   #12 TAKEN

Would like: Art, Fic, Graphics/Edits, Headcanons Any of the foxes even Wymack or bee or Abby tbh I'll be happy with anything Maybe neil or Andrew being jealous for the first time in their life? Aaron and katelyn- how they must've started? Or something bout Aaron and Neil becoming friends I live for that. Something with Mary in it? NSFW is fine

#13 TAKEN

Would like: Art, Fic, Graphics/Edits, Headcanons, Playlist Any ships/characters aside from Riko 1. one of the foxes giving neil an ugly Christmas jumper 2. neil and kevin trying to do a Christmas shop 3. wymack insisting on a team Christmas dinner No NSFW please   #14TAKEN

Would like: Fic, Headcanons, Jerejean!! Andreil, the Trojans -slow burn jerejean -JEREJEAN FIRST TIME -always down for some good nsfw (kinky, soft, normal whatever) -sexual frustration between jerejean or andreil (and then resolved) -angsty with happy ending for either couple NSFW is fine

Would not like: Nothing about riko and any of the characters as a ship, don't like ichirou with any pairing either.. not really looking for kandreil or major character deaths   #15 TAKEN

Would like: Art, Fic, Graphics/Edits, Playlist Andreil, Jerejean, Keremy, Kerejean, Jean Moreau, Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten, Jeremy Knox playing with hair, witch au, smiley soft mornings, mermaid au, NSFW is fine No Drake   #16 TAKEN Would like: Art, Fic, Graphics/Edits, Headcanons Andrew/Neil, Andrew/Neil/Kevin, Neil/Jean 1. Magical (I.E Neil is a werefox) 2. Andrew is a detective 3. Professor AU (I.E. Andrew is criminal prof, Neil is landuage prof, Nicky is religious, etc)" NSFW is fine

Would not like: Explicit rape, Riko with anyone   #17 TAKEN

Would like: Fic, Headcanons Andrew/Neil or Jean/Jeremy Either a Christmas ski trip with the Foxes and Trojans or maybe just a Christmas party NSFW is fine, no Kevin/Aaron please   #18 TAKEN

Would like: Art, Fic, Graphics/Edits, Headcanons, Playlist Andrew/jean, Andrew/Neil, Andrew/Kevin/Neil, Jean/Jeremy, Riko, Neil/Matt, Neil/Seth, Neil/aaron holes au where Andrew is Madam Zeroni's great great grandson and Neil is Stanley yelnats  Au where riko isn't killed but instead gets kicked out of exy by ichirou and goes to live in the countryside where he meets a house servant ichrou hires who he falls in love with and they go on cute dates 1920's matt/neil where neil cross dresses as a lounge singer so he can marry matt who play piano and they play at a speakeasy together. NSFW is fine

Would not like: character death non-canon, guro, unhappy ending, dying of old age   #19 TAKEN

Would like: Art, Fic, Headcanons Andrew, Neil (together or separately), Jeremy and Jean (together or separate), Matt, Kevin, nicky Life before the foxes, life after the foxes, enemies to lovers, little quirks they like their friends to do/to do to their friends (pet names? Casual touching? Sign me tf up), will literally accept anything soft or that will make me cry, or both NSFW is fine

Would not like: Riko in any capacity other than how he affected the character the gift is about. Aaron as a "misunderstood good guy," if it's about Matt please don't make him white (or any of them but Andrew and Jean really but Matt is a hard pass)   #20 TAKEN

Would like: Art, Fic Neil/Andrew ; Kevin Day; Laila/Alvarez ; Nicky Hemmick; Allison Reynolds; Neil&Kevin I prefer canon compliant content for all the following prompts:: Fluff or Brotp stuff ; Fashion (or fashion disaster) ; Camping in Tents NSFW is fine

Would not like:

Moriyamas, angst

#21 TAKEN Would like: Art, Fic, Headcanons, Playlist Aaron, Seth, Kevin, Renee, Jean, Nicky Kevin/Aaron Aaron/Katelyn Renee/Jean Nicky/Erik Kevin/Thea Laila/Alvarez Jean/Neil Seth/Allison Seth/Aaron Home alone AU, A lonely Christmas when they're a child and then a Christmas as an adult with the family they made, a family dinner where they're meeting the family for the first time, secret santa au where they got a menial gift but it was always want they wanted as a kid but never got it because of whatever reason, the first winter without having to worry about their survival, hot cocoa and gingerbread house contest No infidelity, NSFW is fine   #22 TAKEN Would like: Art, Fic, Headcanons,  Andreil Coffee shop au!! the foxes catching a glimpse of Andreil softness! Andreil softness in general, Andreil playing pro exy on the same team, foxes' snow day at Palmetto NSFW is fine

Would not like:

Kandreil     #23 TAKEN Would like: Art, Fic Any of the Monsters, and ship wise andreil or kevaaron  Tattoo, coffee shop, florist, harry potter, and historical aus are my favorite. Im super into the twins having curly hair and or glasses. Dramatic sassy one liners are the key to my heart! NSFW is fine

Would not like

Focus on side/minor characters, or angst/dark thoughts   #24 TAKEN Would like: Art, Fic, Graphics/Edits, Headcanons, Playlist Andreil, jerejean, renison Soulmate au, fake dating or just something fluffy and/or smut NSFW is fine No mpreg please

[countrygangrel]

Pls do all of them for chad fonn and laila

god i brought this on myself

does your oc hate or love Saints Valentine's Day ?chad: he loves it! hes a sapfonn: shes indifferent. she thinks its not rlly that big of a deal she doesnt see the appeallaila: she acts like she doesnt like it but shes fond of it now that she has a gf :) when shes single she doesnt like it until the day after when she can get chocolate on sale

how does your oc feel about amor in general ?chad: he Also loves it he is Again a sap hes :’)fonn: she doesnt rlly see the pointlaila: she didnt like it much when she was younger but shes all content now that she has a gf

is your oc a romantic ?chad: yes! fonn: not at all shes too analytical. she thinks shes okay tho she does her bestlaila: eh Moderately not rlly tho

does your oc prefer “love at first sight” or “lust at first sight” ?chad: love!fonn: neitherlaila: probably lust smh

canon characters you ship your oc with ?chad: atlas!fonn: her Wife janet, theyre very cute laila: mei dsksdhk this is just sorta Canon pairings ig

other people’s oc’s you ship your ocs with ? chad: kkdsj atlas ig? we dont rlly have other chad ships kdsdjsfonn: janet again dskdhlaila: probably atlas theyre also cute smh

preferred “date plan” of your oc’s choice ?chad: hes happy with anything! stayin in, going out, whatever, as long as hes with someone he loves :’)fonn: shes not a romantic she isnt a ? big fan of dates. but she likes more lowkey ones she likes going out to eat or going to movieslaila: she wants to fuck shit up. and she likes movies she likes gettin to be close and its a good excuse

does your oc ask someone out or is asked out themselves ?chad: he likes to be asked out hes afraid of rejection But he will ask if he thinks theyre gonna say yesfonn: she normally isnt interested in going out? so shes a being asked out personlaila: definitely an ask out person shes pretty confident sorta

does your oc prefer stable or spontaneous relationships ?chad: stable!fonn: stable sorta but shed prefer to more be allowed to do her own thing she wants to be allowed to stay up real late and eat unhealthilylaila: spontaneous shes that kinda lady she was a real wild child

what makes a person beautiful to your oc (physical or personality wise) ?chad: he likes? people who Consider other ppl, hes lame he likes ppl with nice smiles too, u Gotta be a boy, nd u gotta be a 3 or above (/s)fonn: she likes butches? ideally theyre stronger than her, she also likes ppl who r more? foward than she is she isnt gonna make the first move ever, she doesnt admit it but she Does like when ppl show that they care abt her by making her take care of herself :/ she thinks its stupid but sweetlaila: she likes? interesting people and people that make her feel Safe, otherwise she isnt rlly picky smh

what would your oc like to receive on valentines day ?chad: a kiss! or rlly just Any show of lovefonn: some peace and quiet /slaila: she likes those stupid stuffed animals who like hold hearts

your oc’s favorite kind of flower ?god ive never thought abt this smhchad: i feel like he likes hydrangeasfonn: she isnt rlly the flower type. but maybe lilys and forget-me-notslaila: she likes hibiscus and poinsettias

does your oc like chocolate/valentines themed candy ?chad: he cant rlly keep food down so no :(fonn: yea she likes junk foodlaila: she isnt one way or the other but she Will eat it

does your oc express love lavishly or discreetly ?chad: lavishly but only in private hes gotta be nice to the bffonn: discreetly but she thinks its obviouslaila: discreetly but shes gettin more lavish as she gets older