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scandalsavagefanfic · 4 years ago

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Hello! I am a huge fan of ur writing. I've loved everything I've read of yours. I've read alot of what you've posted, except for a couple of the tags that are squicky for me (so I'm very thankful you tag very thoroughly). No judgement for the squick, it's just not for me. & when I'm having a bad day, I usually just go thru ur ao3 and find something to reread. I think about Therapy's Bruce & Jason every damn day. While I obvs appreciate ur darker more "problematic" content (I really vibe with some of the themes you write about bc of my own trauma, & so it's very cathartic to read about in a fictional setting), I am truly a sucker for ur more happy content. The Happily Ever After verse also lives in my head rent free. Idk more wholesome stuff just seems more special when you write it. Anyways. I would die for you. But the point of this ask is cause I'm curious as to why you don't like Urban Legends? I'm sorry if you already talked about it here or on twitter and I missed it. I was just wondering because I really enjoy your take on things and would love to hear why you dislike it. I've been enjoying it so far personally, but I am always open to DC comics criticism.

Aw thank you so much! I'm so flattered by everything you just said. You're so sweet ❤❤❤❤❤

I haven't talked about Urban Legends here or twitter (I haven't been very active in either place lately. Just a lot going on and no energy 😔) but I'm happy to do it here.

Before I start though, I just want to add a standard disclaimer and make it clear that if you like it, there's nothing wrong with that and you don't have to let me ruin it for you lol. Like what you like.

That said, since you asked...

I said this when I was talking about it on discord, that there is a difference between hope and expectation. I always hope that a new story centered on Jason (or anyone really, but things have been especially egregious for Jay for 15 years) will be good or at least treat the character with a minimal level of respect (to be honest, the bar is super fucking low). But my expectations always temper my hope, to keep it from getting unrealistic. Because my expectations are based on experience.

The long history of Jason Todd, since even before his resurrection, has been one of retroactively trying to make him "a bad seed" in order to absolve Bruce of any responsibility in his death.

I don't even expect DC or their writers to start honoring the fact that Jason was not an angry, reckless Robin (and less of the later than Dick or Tim and definitely Damian). There plenty of ways that retcon can be folded into his history and be compelling and sympathetic. And if they're going to stick with that retcon, I'm only asking that they do it in one of those compelling and sympathetic ways because Jason was 15 when he died, heroically, in one of the most selfless acts in comics, to save a woman who literally handed him over to be brutally murdered. He was 12 when Bruce plucked him off the streets, he'd been homeless and fending for himself for at least two years. I personally think that Jason's story hits harder for him and Bruce if their original, canon relationship, of Jason as starry-eyed and eager to learn and absolutely devoted to Bruce and Bruce to Jason, is preserved. But Jason's origins does leave room for a meaningful interpretation of him as angry and frustrated at the lack of meaningful results of Bruce's methods.

And that's really where my irritation at stories like Batman: Urban Legends, Cheer and Batman The Adventure Continues has it's roots.

Every time one of these stories comes out, I think (or hope, rather) that this will be the one that remembers and respects the origins of the Jason and the Red Hood, that takes into account the changed sensibilities of comics readers in the 30 years since Jason's death and the subtle, 20 year, retroactive campaign to make him the "bad Robin". The "born bad" trope is played out and literally no one likes the message it implies. That some kids are just bad eggs and there's nothing parents or the adults around them can do. Especially when it's played as the kid's fault. If Jason's time as Robin is going to be characterized by anger, then it should be rooted in anger at the social injustices he witnessed as he grew up in an impoverished, crime-ridden, area and the horrors he faced raising himself when every day was a battle for survival. There are topical, meaningful, stories to tell with that backdrop.

But those are never the stories we get.

⚠⚠ Spoilers for Batman: Urban Legends, Cheer ⚠⚠

I'm particularly disappointed in Urban Legends because for the first issue, it looked like that was the kind of story we were going to get. I was put off by the first flashback of Jason being mesmerized by Bruce's guns, and I got that feeling in my gut that it was a bad sign. Jason depicted as impatient and overconfident and the scene with the guns is heavy-handed foreshadowing that got my spidey-sense tingling. I had a inkling then (in the first three pages) of how this story was going to play out, but it was early and I could still see many narrative paths that could lead to a satisfying story. My concerns were soothed somewhat and the little flame of my hope fanned, with the flashback of Alfred scolding Bruce, with Barbara's concern for Jason. A bit of worry returned with the way Jason ruthlessly pursued an addict who didn't appear to be a dealer and with the ending of the issue. The stuff with the addict sat wrong with me but the ending was tempered some by how despicable Tyler's dad was written. The scene was clearly set so that the reader could sympathize with Jason's decision and the scene with the addict could be brushed aside as a side-effect of comics over-the-top need for constant action, so I still held hope.

Issue 2 made me uncomfortable and it's where my hope starts to take a backseat to my expectations. I can dismiss Jason's self-deprecating internal monologue as unreliable narration, except that the flashback reinforces his thought process to explicitly show that it's not unreliable narration, and should be taken at face value. Jason faces physical abuse at the hands of his mother's drug dealer and when the flashback continues later, Jason kills the drug dealer. To be clear, this is a pre-Bruce Jason. His mom is still alive. He's like... 10. He kills this guy for shoving his head into a wall and implying Jason's mother paid for her drugs with sex. This is a scene that serves a single purpose. To show that Jason has always been prone to violence.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there is the small chance the drug dealer might not be dead. But the story obviously wants the reader to think he is, and it hasn't done anything to change that yet.

Starlin already did this story with The Diplomat’s Son in 1988 and he did it infinitely better. AND that’s still technically canon. So now I’m supposed to believe that Jason lost his cool bad enough to kill two douche bags before his sweet 16? Like it’s totally normal for abused kids raised in poverty, who’ve led hard and heartbreaking lives to just... haul off and kill people? That’s bullshit, and when taken with the Jason in the third issue, who is little more than an idiot thug, this story is really doubling down on some fucked up stereotypes.

Which brings us to the most recent issue. I went into this installment with very low expectations. I thought this story was going to be about Jason, through this experience with Tyler, a young boy with a similar background to Jason's, coming to the realization that Bruce's way is the best way and that Bruce did his best by Jason.

That would be annoying (in no small part because it takes increasingly absurd levels of plot armor to keep Bruce's no kill rule relevant, let alone irrefutably right). But I can probably live with that, if only because maybe if Jason officially falls back into line with the Bats crusade, maybe I'll get stories that treat him with respect, stories that don't relegate him to comic relief, dumb brute, or a background body with no lines in a story about the Joker burning Gotham (like Jason would just fucking stand there quietly for that).

And that may still be where the story is going, Jason realizing Bruce is right.

But holy shit do I not have the right words to describe how fucking insulting and gross issue three is.

From start to finish--including the flashback--Jason is written as cruel and fucking stupid. Like straight up dumb.

The entire issue is Bruce explaining the fucking basics to Jason like it's his first day. And Jason flies off the fucking handle and terrorizes a doctor he knows isn't a part of making the Cheerdrops, beats the shit out of some random addicts, and finally, when he can't accomplish anything on his own because he's a dumb brute he calls Barbara for help and rushes in with no information where he's promptly incapacitated and must now wait to be rescued by Batman.

This panel is the least of the issues sins but I can’t screenshot the entire story but it’s representative of the tone for the whole issue (and retroactively tainted the prior two issues).

This is beyond insulting. The only conclusions Jason comes to in this issue are the ones Bruce leads him to by talking to him like he can’t make the simplest connections. And like... in this story Jason can’t make the simplest connections.

This (and the Jason throughout the entirety of this issue) is a far cry from the Jason we fell in love with in Under the Red Hood, who was competent and strategic and intelligent enough to seize control of Gotham’s underworld from Black Mask (who’s no fucking slouch, he’s the first and only person to unify organized crime in Gotham) AND elude and manipulate Bruce until the time and place of his choosing.

This is a far cry from even the Red Hood and the Outlaws Jason who is competent enough to fight the League of Shadows and Ra’s al Ghul (among very dangerous and skilled others) and smart enough to create antidotes for mind control nanotech viruses.

As he should be, by the way. Jason Todd is one of the best, most comprehensively trained fighters in DC’s stable of non powered vigilantes. He’s not irrational or hot headed. He’s pragmatic, tactically minded, and patient. He’s a detective. Right now. Has been since he was 12. Bruce doesn’t have to make him one because he already is.

Jason is not a stupid thug who uses his fists because his brain doesn’t work. And I can’t tell you how so very exhausted I am by this narrative.

This is actually the most egregious example of Jason’s skills and intelligence being not just undermined but dismissed entirely. Even Morrison’s Jason had some degree of competency.

The one, single redeeming factor of this story is the art. It’s beautiful. And Marcus To is a godsend he seems to be one of only a couple of artists who remember that Jason was a child when he was Robin and I’m literally only buying this book because of him.

Anyway, I’m sorry. I didn’t want that to come out so... um... passionately lol. I’m just very very tired. My intention with this isn’t to ruin it for you, if you like it, that’s fine.

But this issue shot this story to the top of my "Vehemently Despise” list. 1) Batman: Urban Legends (Cheer), 2) Battle for the Cowl/Morrison’s Batman and Robin, 3) Batman The Adventure Continues.

I hope the next issues somehow salvage this dumpster fire. But I’m not expecting it.

(Damnit. That sounded harsh again. To reiterate, I’m not trying to judge anyone who enjoys it, I just personally hate it and you asked me why lol 😅)

#Batman #red hood #batman: urban legends #nice art #shit story #or at least shit characterization #jason todd deserves better #this response got long and I didn't edit it #please forgive any errors #and/or unclear spots #spoilers

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somecunttookmyurl · 3 years ago

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sorry if there was another part of this post/those tags that i didn’t see but… i don’t think that doctor was trying to say that doctors know more about drugs than pharmacists do?

i’m an md also, i graduated from medical school a few years ago. and that person is right. we do learn about pharmacology and drug mechanisms and interactions in medical school. at my school (which was broken up into long blocks by body system), this was all integrated into everything else we were learning, meaning it was on every test. and it’s continued to be on every test i’ve taken since graduating. the point isn’t that we know more or even nearly as much as pharmacists about pharmacology, but that we know enough that someone who completely ignores the concept of drug interactions or the idea that different patients may metabolize certain drugs differently is a bad doctor. and i’m sorry that you’ve run across so many of them

the thing about medicine is that there is so much to know about human anatomy and physiology and disease that it’s basically impossible for any one person to know it all. medical school lays the groundwork, but there’s a reason we specialize, and spend 3-7 years in additional training in our particular field. it’s important to know what you don’t know (which is a lot, no matter what kind of doctor you are or how long you’ve been practicing). that means consulting with pharmacists when prescribing a new med or changing a dose whenever possible, just like you’d consult, say, a nephrologist when treating a patient with kidney disease. but when there isn’t a good pharmacist available, it means looking up that information yourself. i may not remember every single drug that interacts with warfarin, for example, off the top of my head, but i sure as hell know that it’s a long list and i better check everything else a patient is taking before prescribing it

anyway, good pharmacists are an incredible resource and i wish we had more of them at my hospital. and if you can’t admit that there are things you don’t know, medicine is not the field for you

yeah i've had like. no joke. 2 good doctors in 31 years. and one of them i don't even get to see again it was a one-off. but i am surgically attached to my GP until one of us dies and by god i hope i go first.

(incidentally those 2 doctors are the only ones i've ever met who even knew that differing drug metabolism on different pathways was even a thing like at all. my old psych straight up said "never heard of that, don't think that's true" even when i was presenting him with literal medical journals to the contrary like okay buddy good talk let's never do this again. i wish so much this was an uncommon experience bc i for one am tired of giving the TED talk)

readmore bc this got long

the fact you guys don't learn stuff to the same depth as pharmacists was really like my entire point. i mean, sure, you have some knowledge on it but normally pretty limited to within whatever field you practice. you've only got a limited number of brain cells. if you did have all that knowledge then pharmacy wouldn't exist as a separate degree in the first place.

so a doc coming onto that like "oh we do know side effects and get tested on interactions" is uh. i mean do you? a little, sure, but there's a limit to that knowledge by design. it's really the pharmacists who know, you know? they're the experts on it, and it kinda struck me as "i did a bit of training on this so i know everything" which is an attitude i encounter.... a lot with doctors, sadly. along with the assumption a patient can never know anything about their condition/have any input or ideas of any value/that there may be gaps in their own knowledge.

[also along with complete lack of intellectual curiosity which always baffled me like "welp, don't know what that is goodbye forever" do you not... want to know? not even a little bit? god why are you even here. if all you wanted to do was flowcharts and tick boxes there are plenty of careers in the data entry field. not quite sure why you went to medical school my man]

you sound like a good doctor. hold onto that. sadly you're more the exeption than the norm, as pretty much anybody with a chronic illness or unusal presentation/response can attest. also women, and POC.

if you've got it in you to keep at it without having a nervous breakdown (rather have you in the field than out of it babes) absolutely chew out any other doctor you catch acting like a Supreme Unquestionable Being Who Can Never Be Wrong though.

honestly? i think, genuinely, most do start out like you (you said you only graduated a few years ago right? so you're still new really) and... at some point along the way they become fucking insufferable.

i don't know if it's burnout bc it's a stressful job, or if having power over the health & wellbeing over other people eventually goes to your head, or you get stuck in "what i learned 20 years ago is still unquestionable" or "i've been doing this for years pfff i don't need to check things anymore" complacency or what but there is for sure SOMETHING that changes in a whole lotta doctors. hold on to how you practice now. be one of the few who STAY like that 10, 20, 30 years from now. please. stay curious, stay cautious, stay sharp.

i don't hate doctors (i say it jokingly, true, but don't take it personally) but i have absolutely met enough of them that don't listen, or check, or investigate that i heavily side-eye a new one until they demonstrate otherwise. you're listening to me and working with me and checking things? cool! i'm still gonna double-check anyway because even good doctors make mistakes,

but a good good doctor doesn't take offence at that anyway. i mean. it's my health you're in charge of here. remaining alive and not hospitalised is generally preferable.

hey, maybe it's a bit harsh to judge from a couple tags but coming onto a post saying that pharmacists are the real drug nerds here and doctors have limited knowledge about that (with a heavy dose of complacency a lot of the time, tbqh) so please make sure stuff is checked with "we do know about interactions we get tested on it" sent up a HUGE "i can't admit when there are gaps in my knowledge and can't handle being questioned" red flag.

#my GP went absolutely OFF once about specialists having god complexes and it was a delight #but there is a lot of that going around and like. taking offence at being questioned or checked?#bro i ain't trust ANYONE implicitly that goes double for someone making health decisions bc you CAN'T know everything? you just can't?#AMOUNT who think they do though mein gott #man if i trusted doctors implicitly and blindly i would honestly be dead 3 times over from the fuckups #good doctors exist they just get progressively more rare the longer they stay doctors #it's like a pokémon evolution but bad #FUCK GO BACK #my fav psych appointment was when there was a trainee present who knew more than the man WHO HAS BEEN A CONSULTANT FOR 20 YEARS #bc he is simply allergic to acquiring knowledge and back in the stone age we did not know this particular thing i was talking about

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asian-hero · 4 years ago

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You are literally the best at writing angst, your fics make me feel some typa way. Can I request a todoroki shoto fic where him and reader are dating and he’s a prohero and she’s a doctor. And shoto is absent a lot bc of work and s/o gets sad bc she feels the relationship is 1sided. They fight bc shoto prioritizes hero-ing, & rder is like “but I save lives too”. They get “close” to splitting, but they makeup somehow. Thank you!!!!!!!

A/N: You think you can get away with breaking my heart just because you complimented me on my writing? 😤 (but in all seriousness, thank you for the compliment!)

You guys know you can request fluffy shit too, right?

Summary: You knew that you and Shouto came from different worlds, and while both of your jobs helped to save people, that didn’t mean that the two of you necessarily saw eye to eye on certain things. One of the things that the two of you never seemed to agree on was your relationship, and you were starting to feel that the two of you would never agree when it came to that.

Words: 3,307

You knew from the start that dating a pro hero wasn’t going to be easy. One day you could wake up next to the love of your life, and then five hours later, you find out that they died while watching the evening news. Or, one day you could find yourself being abducted by villains as a pawn to lure your hero lover into rescuing you, and either become scarred from the trauma of being kidnapped, or be the reason why your partner had fallen. Along with this, the hours for a pro were sporadic and unpredictable, which made it even harder to keep up a healthy relationship. So, it was safe to say that most heroes didn’t usually get into relationships with civilians, and, as a doctor, who had to deal with said heroes, you promised yourself to never get involved with one of them. If not for your physical health, then for your mental health.

Oh, how naive you were.

Somehow, whether it be due to some force in the universe that wanted to prove you wrong, or your own lack of willpower, you not only caught the attention of a certain elemental hero, but he had also caught yours as well. At first, you blamed your flustered state on the fact that he seemed to be one of your most, regular, patients. You tried to fool yourself that you were just simply worried for his health. After all, it wasn’t healthy to be visiting a hospital almost every other week. A few weeks of trying to convince yourself, and you suddenly were faced with the horrendous idea that you may have actually been worried about him because you cared about him, more than you were supposed to. It didn’t help that he was so handsome and sweet. In all honesty, it was truly a marvel that you managed to keep it together for as long as you had.

While you tried to keep your feelings tucked away deep inside of your heart, Shouto seemed to have other plans. On the days that he wasn’t in your hospital, bothering you with some large gash from a villain, or some serious bruises and broken bones from attempting to catch a falling building, he would still make his presence known through vases of flowers addressed specifically to you, as thanks for patching him up. Soon, arrangements of flowers were no longer delivered by the mailman, but instead by Shouto himself. He’d make sure to catch you on your break, or whenever you weren’t busy, just so he could strike up a conversation with you. It was both the most sweet and baffling thing that someone has done for you. Fairly soon after his common visits, the hospital became like his second home, where everyone knew why he was there, and the glamour of having a famous pro hero in their work environment was no longer exciting.

So, no one could really blame you when you started dating him a few months later.

Loving Shouto was one of the easiest things that you’ve ever done. Being in love with him came naturally to you, as if it were another part of your body. He was always so kind and caring, and while he did have his moments where his inexperience in terms of relationships truly showed, he always strived to be the best boyfriend that he could be. You knew that Shouto was the one who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, to grow old with. In fact, about a year into your relationship, Shouto had suggested that the two of you move in together, under the guise that you would both be saving a lot of money when it came to water and electricity, since the two of you practically lived together anyways. Not that you needed a reason to move in with him.

However, life wasn’t always that easy, and relationships don’t always turn out the way you thought they would.

After two years of dating Todoroki Shouto, you knew that the two of you would fall into some form of routine. The “honeymoon” phase wasn’t going to last forever, and you were perfectly fine with that. You still loved him dearly, and even though you both didn’t express it nearly as much as you used to, the feelings were still there, at least, on your side of the relationship.

While the two of you began to fall into your normalcy, with you growing comfortable with each other’s company, you found yourself realizing just how absent Shouto was. It started when he’d cancel your little dinner dates at home, saying that you shouldn’t wait up for him, since he’ll be home late. Of course, you gave him the benefit of the doubt, because you knew that his schedule wasn’t always the best, so you never complained to him. Soon, though, instead of missing dinner, Shouto was missing the entire day. It wasn’t very often that you had the day off, so when you did, he promised that he’d be home as well, so the two of you could make up lost time. But, when the time came, you woke up alone in your shared bed, a short note on your bedside table being your only indication that he’d left the house, and that he wouldn’t be home until late at night. Eventually, your shared apartment started to feel as though you were the only one living in it, and the only way that you knew Shouto was still living there was because the leftovers you’d put in the fridge for him would be gone the next morning.

At first, you tried really hard to be understanding. You knew that he couldn’t always be there with you, as he had a job to do. Any annoyance that you held toward him would be instantly replaced by guilt, since you knew that he was busy. However, as the days turned into months, your patience began to grown thin, and you were starting to question whether or not he even loved you anymore. If he did, he certainly never showed it, nor did he seem to feel the need to tell you that he loved you. In all honesty, you couldn’t remember the last time he told you he loved you, or the last time you ever felt loved. At this point, you were just wondering if he even cared if you were around, or if you were just someone who he knew would always be there.

Though you had managed to keep your feelings away from him for a while, it didn’t take long for your heart to no longer be able to carry your sorrows, and soon enough, you found yourself sitting on your couch at one in the morning, balling your eyes out as you waited for Shouto to come home.

Luckily for you, you didn’t need to wait much longer, as you could hear the soft click of the lock, and in a matter of seconds, you found yourself staring down the love of your life, who seemed shocked at the fact that you were still awake.

“(Y/N)?” He called out, concern filling his voice, “Why are you still awake?”

Wiping your eyes, you took in a deep breath, preparing yourself for what was to come. “We need to talk,”

Though it was a bit hard to see, with only the light from the kitchen illuminating your apartment, you could make out the tired expression on Shouto’s face. With a soft sigh, he moved toward you, patting your head.

“Can we talk about this in the morning?”

You rolled your eyes, crossing your arms across your chest. “Will you even be here in the morning?”

Hearing the edge to your voice seemed to catch his attention, as he tilted his head, clearly confused. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

You shrugged your shoulders, standing up from the couch in order to meet his eyes. “It’s a simple question, Shouto. You’re not even here when I wake up, so how are we supposed to talk?”

He furrowed his brow, not quite understanding what you were getting at. When he didn’t respond, you let out an obnoxious sigh, all of the anger you’ve been bottling up for the past few months finally rearing its ugly head.

“You know, at first I was fine with you cancelling for dinner. I did my best to understand that you’re a hero, and you have an important job to do,” Your eyes bore into him, almost as if you thought you could convey all of your hurt and anger by just your stare, “But, when you start to become less of a ‘roommate’ and more of a cryptid, that’s where I draw the line.”

“What are you talking about?” You could hear the defensive edge in his voice, and it did nothing to stop the fire from raging in your stomach.

“Do you even remember the last time that the two of us were together? The last time we did something that was remotely romantic? I certainly can’t!” You knew that you were unloading a lot of feelings onto him, but you couldn’t care less at this point.

“Well I’m sorry that I can’t be here all the time, but it’s not like I can just stop what I’m doing just to come home and chat,”

You wanted to rip your hair out. “I’m not asking you to do that!”

“Then what do you want?” He asked, his tone becoming as sharp as a knife, “Do you want me to quit my job? To stop being a hero? I’m not going to stop just because you feel upset. There are actual lives on the line.”

“Do you think that I don’t understand that?” You snapped, your nails digging into the palms of your hands.

“I save lives too, you know! Every single day I go to work and do my best to help out those who need me the most, but you don’t see me neglecting this relationship,”

He scoffed, his lips quirking downwards. “Just because you don’t see the work I put in doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. You knew what my life was like when we started dating, I don’t know why this is surprising,”

“I know what I got myself into! I just wish that I would matter just a fraction as much as your job,”

“You want me to prioritize you over my duty to the people?”

“That’s not what I’m saying! I just want to feel like I’m important to you,” You could feel your shoulders deflating, “Why is that so hard to understand?”

The two of you could have fought the entire night and have gone in circles. Instead, Shouto merely took in a deep breath, closing his eyes. “Can we just talk about this in the morning? It’s late, and I can’t think about this right now.”

All of the fight that was in you had suddenly dissipated, and all you were left with was this hollow feeling in your chest. Shaking your head, you brushed past him, heading towards the guest room.

“Don’t worry. There’s nothing to talk about anymore,” You didn’t even bother turning towards him, “Just, do whatever you want.”

With that, you shut the door behind you, locking it and then throwing yourself onto the bed, praying that you’d get at least a couple hours of sleep before your shift.

Unfortunately for you, you ended up getting about two hours of sleep before waking up at six in the morning. Wordlessly, you got ready for work, not bothering to check if Shouto was still home, though, you wouldn’t be surprised if he’d just taken off right after you left.

Once you had arrived at the hospital, you were instantly greeted by the concerned stares from your coworkers, with some even voicing that you didn’t look so good. Not wanting to worry anyone, you told them that you were fine, and that you just didn’t get that much sleep last night. It wasn’t a complete lie, and it got them off of your case, so, you figured that you got away with it.

You honestly couldn’t remember what happened during the rest of the day. Bits and pieces would come to you, like when you had to do a routine check-up for one of your favorite patients, or when you took a thirty minute nap during your lunch. Other than that, you truly could not remember what you did. In fact, if your receptionist didn’t tell you that it was nearly eight in the evening, you were sure that you would’ve stayed the night by accident.

As you left your shift and hurried onto the next train to take you home, you couldn’t help but replay the conversation you had with Shouto. You weren’t quite sure where your relationship stood. Neither of you had made the effort to contact the other, and although it had only been one day, you couldn’t help but feel anxious. While of course, you were glad that you told him how you felt, and that you wished he could be more present as a partner, you felt bad about how you went about telling him. There were better ways of telling him that you felt as though he didn’t care anymore, and snapping at him was probably one of the worst ways to go about it. So, as you continued your journey home, you figured that you’d apologize for snapping at him like you did, but you were in no way going to apologize for how you felt, or for telling him that you didn’t feel like a priority for him.

Once the train had reached its destination, and you had finally made it to your front door, you were just about ready to collapse onto the couch. Maybe get in a quick nap before eating dinner, or maybe you’d just head straight towards your bed and get a full eight hours of sleep. However, once the door swung open, rather than being greeted by the deafening silence that you had grown accustomed to, you could hear the soft hum of the radio being played, along with the quiet sizzling of something being cooked. Closing the door gently, you took off your shoes and jacket, quietly making your way towards the kitchen. As you peered from the doorway, you watched in awe as Shouto stood over the oven, watching almost warily at whatever he was making. It was obvious that he had no idea what he was doing, and, judging by how messy your kitchen looked, it was clear to you that this wasn’t his first attempt. Glancing over at the dining table, you noticed the pair of bowls and cups that were set, as if he were setting the table for two.

Deciding that you were tired of just standing there, you cleared your throat, making your presence known.

He jumped a bit, whipping his head towards the source of the noise, before letting out a sound of relief. Quickly turning off the stove, he faced himself towards you, and you could tell that he felt awkward.

“What are you making?” You asked, trying to break the tension in the room.

“Fried rice,” He started, rubbing the back of his neck, “I thought I could make dinner, it seemed simple enough,”

You hummed, slowly making your way over to him, trying to gauge his reaction. When he didn’t move away, you stepped closer, peering into the pan to look at what he made. While it was slightly overcooked, you appreciated the effort. Motioning toward the table, you spoke, “Go grab the bowls,”

After a few more beats of silence, the two of you found yourselves sitting in front of each other, staring awkwardly at your bowls of fried rice, unsure of what to say. While you really did want to apologize, you weren’t sure of how to approach the topic. You were worried that, if you brought up last night, it’d just end up with the two of you fighting again.

It seemed as thought Shouto had the same idea as you, as he finally spoke up, “I think we should talk about last night,”

Putting down your spoon, you nodded. Glancing up, you noticed the nervous expression on his face, and though you were about to talk about something serious, you couldn’t help but find comfort in the fact that he was just as nervous as you.

“Before we start,” You began, placing your hands in front of yourself, “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that I got so angry last night. I was bottling up all of my emotions, and instead of just telling you, I let them get the best of me, and I exploded when I didn’t mean to,”

He frowned, moving to take one of your hands in his own, “I’m sorry that I tried to brush off your feelings and got defensive. I was tired and ready to go to sleep, so when you said you wanted to talk, I just snapped.”

You squeezed his hand, offering him a small smile. He returned it almost immediately, holding onto your hand as if you were his anchor. Rubbing his thumb against your knuckles, he gave you a reassuring look.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t listening last night, but I am now,” He pressed a gentle kiss to the back of your hand, “Tell me what’s going on,”

You felt a pang of anxiety rushing through you, but you pushed through. Even though you felt awful saying it, the two of you didn’t fight just for the fun of it.

“I know that being a hero means the world to you, and I’m so proud of what you do. You constantly put yourself in harms way in order to protect those who can’t save themselves, and I admire that,”

He nodded his head, ushering you to continue, “But?”

“But,” You said, trying to choose your words carefully, “I feel like you put so much of yourself into your work that there’s not enough of you left when it comes to our relationship.”

You smiled sadly at him. “I’m not saying that I should be your number one priority, I know that would be too selfish. I’d just like to be in the top five, you know?”

The frown on his face made you rethink your words. Mirroring his features, you squeezed his hand. It took him a minute to respond, letting your words sink in. Once he found his voice, he spoke, “You shouldn’t feel like you have to settle for the top five,”

He got out of his seat, pushing it closer to you before sitting down once more. This time, he took both of your hands in his, resting his forehead against yours. “I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you weren’t important to me,”

You shook your head, your nose gently bumping against his. “I know you’re busy,”

“Never too busy when it comes to you,”

You found yourself breaking out into a small grin, laughing a bit. Seeing your relaxed figure, Shouto found himself laughing with you, disconnecting his hands from yours in order to place them on your waist, pulling you closer. As you found yourself practically straddling him, you couldn’t help but run a hand through his hair, pressing a light kiss to his forehead. He seemed to relish in your touch, as he leaned closer to you as you pulled away, causing you to let out another stream of giggles.

While the two of you still had to figure out how to manage your schedules, you were finally filled with a sense of comfort and love, one that you hadn’t felt in a long time.

#todoroki shouto #todoroki x reader #todoroki shouto x reader #todoroki shoto x reader #shoto todoroki #todoroki shoto #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #bnha imagines #mha imagines #boku no hero academia #my hero academia

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if-the-crown-fits-translate-it · 4 years ago

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Discord pt 79

[Date: 15/03, 6:49 PM - 7:30 PM GMT]

Maxwell: “hey you guys?

I was wondering if i could ask y'all for advice”

Gyuteinnit: “What's up?”

Maxwell: “do any of y'all know a good way to get rid of headache

I woke up this morning to one and it hasn't gone away yet”

Gyuteinnit: “Try a cold pack and don't be online as much and just try to get away from the screen also possibly sleep if you can”

Maxwell: “Yeah I had been doing that mainly”

fetch: “Warm rag over the eyes and lay down, maybe shut off the lights

thats how mona helped me with mine anyway”

Gyuteinnit: “That also helps”

Maxwell: “hm....”

fetch: “You also just might need to eat or drink something”

Maxwell: “hopefully it does I havent had a headache this bad in a while

usually it goes away after i take a tylenol but its been hours now”

emuhlee: “that's not good”

Maxwell: “ey its

just a headache

itll go away eventually

i just hope sooner rather then later ha...”

emuhlee: “hopefully!”

dreaming: “if it persists you should look into it..

further”

Maxwell: “might be a little hard

not many doctors are accepting of hybrids...”

dreaming: “that sucks, hopefully you can find one..”

Maxwell: “i should be good...i might look up what type of headache it could be that might help with figuring out what caused it”

dreaming: “yeah!”

Maxwell: “it might be a tension one....i cant tell though

its not really near my forehead

more so right above my ears and then around the back”

dreaming: “that.. considering some stuff doesn't sound good...

i don't want to make you scared or anything but..”

Maxwell: “reminds me of when i used to wear a headband or something and it would be sore after ha

scared?”

fetch: “You prolly just slept on your head wrong lmao

I wake up in messed up positions all the time”

Maxwell: “yeah....what was it you were gonna say dreaming?

What?

Is something wrong?”

emuhlee: “i can't speak for them, but what i understood, is they might be a bit worried about syd's new.. headpiece.. and how it uh.. came to be.. and then, uh. you now having a headache..”

jaynoblade: “...yeah that's what i was thinking as well”

Maxwell: “....what...

no no no its not”

Mothbo: “I'd suggest staying away from Baroness/interacting with her until we get more info.”

Maxwell: “it cant be

im fine

ive jsut been sleeping on the floor so much thats it”

fetch: “yall I'm pretty sure we'd know if max had vines growing out of his head”

Maxwell: “yeah”

Mothbo: “To be fair we didn't see Syd's coming either.”

Maxwell: “id notice it when i shower or brush my hair”

Marcus: “Hey hey hey, max it’s okay”

emuhlee: “i think it's just a headache, but it's probably something we should keep in mind”

jaynoblade: “i saw what was happening to syd. none of us knew it was anything more than a headache until it... happened”

fetch: “can we talk about something else. you're just scaring him.”

Mothbo: “It will be okay, Max. I doubt it's the same thing. Try to rest and take headache meds.

Yes lets”

Marcus: “You probably slept on the floor wrong”

jaynoblade: “yeah good idea”

Marcus: “My arm is kind of numb maybe you laid on it?

Made your head sore”

fetch: “oh yeah I caught yall nappin on the floor earlier >:P”

Maxwell: “jus the idea of that happening to me....ugh....watching it happen was bad enough

yeah i....was a little tired earlier

tried to nap to get rid of the headache”

fetch: “farming awwws”

Marcus: “..you weren’t sleeping well last night

Maybe it was that too

Tossing and turning, not getting enough sleep can give you a headache too”

Maxwell: “Maybe...”

emuhlee: “Most signs point to it having to do with your sleep, so i think everything is okay, just a normal headache”

jaynoblade: “i typically find that when i get a headache, drinking a ton of water helps bc i tend to forget and then i get dehydrated"

Maxwell: “True”

Marcus: “We’ll get you some food and water just to make sure it’s not those and then we can do something low energy until you either nap or it goes away on it’s own”

Maxwell: “Could be my teeth too...”

fetch: “Yeah, you're part rat right? Their teeth grow pretty fast don't they”

emuhlee: “Do you normally have caffeine? It could be a lack of caffeine if it's something your body is used to.”

Maxwell: “Yeah I used to have things I’d chew on to keep em from growing too much but I haven’t done that in while”

[emuhlee: “Do you normally have caffeine? It could be a lack of caffeine if it's something your body is used to.”]

Maxwell: “No Mona likes it but I can’t stand the smell, makes me kind of sick”

emuhlee: “not even soda or chocolate? those have caffeine too”

Mothbo: “Tea and energy drinks too”

Maxwell: “I like chocolate but I haven’t had it for a while I’ve mostly been drinking water and milk”

[Maxwell: “Yeah I used to have things I’d chew on to keep em from growing too much but I haven’t done that in while”]

Marcus: “What kind of things do you need? I’m sure there’s something around here”

fetch: “Maybe we can get you chewies? Like hard candies or even a chew stim to keep your teeth grinded down”

[Marcus: “What kind of things do you need? I’m sure there’s something around here”]

Maxwell: “Anything like wood or something would work”

Marcus: “Does it have to be a certain kind? There’s lots of sticks and stuff outside..”

[fetch: “Maybe we can get you chewies? Like hard candies or even a chew stim to keep your teeth grinded down”]

Maxwell: “That....might be helpful thank you my last one broke a while back”

[Marcus: “Does it have to be a certain kind? There’s lots of sticks and stuff outside..”]

Maxwell: “Honestly no as long as it isn’t dirty and won’t give me splinters it’s good”

Marcus: “Okay so we get some from out there, maybe take the bark off and wash them?”

Maxwell: “Sure as long as it doesn’t break super easily”

Marcus: “Okay! I’ll go look around the backyard”

[dreaming: “have you done anything like that recently?..”]

Maxwell: “I don’t like energy drinks or such or sweets...

Hey jack...”

Jack: “hey Max!

honestly i had a pretty bad headache a few days back and it turned out i was just dehydrated.

make sure you drink plenty of water :)”

jaynoblade: “dehydration my abhorred”

Maxwell: “I’ll try”

Jack: “yeah i had like two glasses of cold water and was fine

staying away from Baroness and the Court is probably a good idea for you + the rest of Mona's crew anyways, headache or not. You're all more at risk to start off with.”

Marcus: “Okay I got some, I’ll go clean them up and bring you some food and water

And request for food max?”

[Jack: “staying away from Baroness and the Court is probably a good idea for you + the rest of Mona's crew anyways, headache or not. You're all more at risk to start off with.”]

Maxwell: “I still gotta ask her about that note though....”

Jack: “Even if it's completely unrelated. better safe than sorry. someone else can always ask for you!”

kate: “We can ask my man”

Maxwell: “And not really, maybe some thing cold? My....my mom used to say to me if I wasn’t feeling good to eat something that gave you electrolytes to feel better”

Jack: “coconut water is rad for dehydration, if you're into that sort of thing.

[Maxwell: “And not really, maybe some thing cold? My....my mom used to say to me if I wasn’t feeling good to eat something that gave you electrolytes to feel better”]

Marcus: “Okay! How about some fruits? Strawberries and watermelon boost electrolytes and that’ll help with dehydration too”

Maxwell: “I’ve always liked watermelons....”

Marcus: “Okay I’ll be right back. How do you feel about turkey and cheese sandwiches?

You need some protein”

Maxwell: “Maybe not Turkey but I like cheese....”

[Marcus: “You need some protein”]

Maxwell: “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean”

Marcus: “Okay cheese it is but I’m getting you to eat protein at some point

I’ll be right back okay?”

Maxwell: “Course”

Marcus: “I’ll just be in the kitchen if you need me”

Maxwell: “Got it”

#on:discord #by:maxwell #by:fetch #by:marcus #if the crown fits

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onlyxmcbride · 5 years ago

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This was not wrote by me but I had to share it 💔

Credits to addieanatomy on instagram.

its so difficult for me to understand those who never feel the slightest bit of sympathy for norma and those who blame norma for being a bad mother, for nurturing her child into a serial killer. since the beginning on the series, norma had been a whole person. she has a backstory filled with emotional abuse and neglect at the hands of her awful parents. and emotional and sexual assault at the hands of her brother. and then she gets married to an abusive husband with a son born of incest because of her brother raping her. and another son who blacks out and becomes violent to the point of murder. norman blacked out and murdered her abusive husband/his father and had no idea. and he continues to kill several ppl that come into his life. but that’s just a whole other discussion for a later date. it makes my blood boil when i see ppl want to hate norma and blame her for all norman does. they want to. hate norma for what norman is. in some ways. yes. i can see why we all should give her some blame. because of numerous events in her life, norma’s incredibly broken which doesnt make motherhood too promising for her. i mean. i would argue that the worst thing norma has done has been having a lack of understanding the causes and effects of her actions. and just having a lack of insight in general.

norma feels that nothing outside of her and her care is safe for her and her beloved child. but eventually, she starts to see norman as a threat, to herself and himself. okay and quite honestly. im surprised norma didn’t end up being the damn serial killer given her fucking upbringing and the experiences she faced… anyway. alright norma definitely allowed for levels of intimacy between her and norman that are pretty uncomfortable. and some ppl would say shes reluctant to admit that there is something wrong with her beautiful child. but in my opinion. i believe she was always fully aware of normans troubles and knew that theres was smth wrong with him. but like i said before. she didnt see safety in anything outside herself. bc shes so fucking stubborn! but she truly believed that she was the answer to normans problem and she thought she could help him and protect him. i think it is very harsh for ppl to classify norma and anything she does as a mother as being neglectful. or abusive.,..,. she certainly comes close but. she doesnt cross the line into that territory. and yes. she did tell norman things he shouldnt have to know as her son. like. the situation with her brother. but. if u think about normas role as a mother overall. within the context of her own life experiences. she tries really fucking. hard. to be a the perfect and ideal mother. and i believe her efforts should be applauded considering she had no good mother or father to have as an example for her parenting. this woman did whatever she could to protect her son. and when she realized that she couldnt give him the help he needed,... she sought out help. she went to pineview. she begged dr edwards or whatever to help her son. she did her best to get her son the aid he needed in order to not be a threat to himself, norma and everyone else.

i would find it absolutely ridiculous if u didnt feel an iota a sympathy for norma in that moment in 401. she even explained herself in that moment with dr edwards. she realized that she couldnt control what she thought she could. and that she was afraid of going to the doctors bc she thought they could take him away from her. and i believe that she didnt want him taken away bc he was the last bit of love she had left in her life. she had no one. she loved norman so passionately bc they were all each other ever had. its just. in that fucking moment with dr edwards. norma was showing so much of herself. so much honesty. which is smth she tends not to do. and she was revealing in that moment that literally. like all parents. she didnt really know… exactly what she was doing. she was just hoping that what she thought was best,.,. was good. and she had a moment of great fear that what she was doing was hurting her child. and she wanted to do smth else to change and make it better for both of them. all norma has ever had is good intentions. love makes u do crazy things. and she did crazy things out of the sometimes dangerous love she had for her child. but she cant take full blame for what norman is and became. being the parent of a psychopath is not gonna be fucking easy and a literal cake walk with a manual on how to succeed. all norma fucking wanted was a normal life for her and her son. and normal life that she never got to have throughout her childhood. and teenage years. and into her married life with both of her husbands.

she could never catch a fucking break. and she never did. she never. fucking. did. shitty childhood, 2 shitty marriages, a kid who resulted from being raped by her brother, a kid that was more than just mentally unstable. and her own mental wellbeing never treated was just. the fucking cherry on top. and even after she dies she didn’t even get peace until after norman died, considering he was lugging her dead body around. when ppl talk about norma, her mental health is not often in the conversation. but quite honestly. norma's entire mental state had to have been absolutely exhausting for her. she needed serious help. and she needed it well before norman even came into the her life. i think the only time she realized that… this isnt how normal people live. is when she was with alex... alex gave her a real glimpse into a type of normalcy she had never experienced. honestly. i would like to believe she eventually would have gone into therapy had she survived. and even if norman had stayed at the live-in hospital and didnt try to kill her, she and alex were not going to magically start living a beautiful, good life. she was going to need some serious therapy herself. and i just know she wouldnt bring herself to do that all by herself. i think if anyone could help her decide to help herself... that person would without and doubt be alex. norma truly was beaten down by life at every corner. anyone in her shoes with that kind of history and mental wellbeing would be in an unbelievable amount of pain on the inside. when thinking about how this all plays into her relationship with norman... i just think she loved norman to the best of her ability. but it was from a perspective warped by extreme mental illness, fatigue and injury of her own. to add to this exhausting amount of mental turmoil, came her exhausting love for norman. god i love this woman so much. she is everything to me.

This hit me so damn hard. People ask why I love this show so much and the reason is above. Vera Farmiga portrays Norma so brilliantly and I couldn't think of anyone else who could do it better.

Romanticizing the relationship she and Norman had is unhealthy yes, but she loved her son so much she would do anything to keep him safe. Norma Bates is a fucking warrior- fictional character or not.

#not my words #veraannfarmiga #verafarmiga #batesmotel #normabates #normanbates #i love this so fucking much

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gayregis · 6 years ago

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issues with blood & wine

cdpr litcherally took away all the development that vampires got in the book series, despite blood & wine adding more vampire lore, and ill explain how

retcons & just weird differences from canon

blood & wine paints vampires as this big evil secret society and civilization whereas in the books they literally do not have more society than “a bunch of frat guys and sorority girls getting wasted every full moon”

the vampire lore they added with mentions and/or demonstrations of human cattle, bloodthirst as a form of torture, the hierarchy with unseen elders, drinking blood being seen as something much darker and sinister all together instead of a vice of vampires like alcoholism is a vice to humanity, and the whole dumbass retcon about the conjunction of the spheres.

the views on blooddrinking introduced in blood & wine lead to annoyingly misplaced dialogue with geralt and regis like geralt mentioning vampires “treating humans like cattle to slaughter” which, they dont, and which geralt learned in baptism of fire, then remarking disapprovingly that humans are more like an open bar then. this dialogue makes no sense even because that’s NOT how vampires in the witcher function

regis’s torture in la cage au fou is just basically torture porn and is pretty unnecessary. but it’s also overdone because it’s not like regis has been sober for centuries, he broke his sobriety at stygga and therefore has only been sober for 8 years, which... he spent dead. so the temptation of relapse would already be an issue for him, which should have provided enough tension and angst for all of us. the scene in la cage au fou also depicts such a visceral pain of bloodlust and doesn’t show WHY it’s such a widespread temptation and vice for vampires... which imo would be more powerful as both a plot point and statement

side note: not vampire related but geralt and regis literally dont talk about the hansa at all and it annoys me because regis seems depressed for No Specific Reason besides dettlaff’s situation when we know that he and geralt experienced great loss at stygga and are struggling to cope with that

side side note: considering regis broke his sobriety at stygga and could be struggling with thoughts of relapse already, knowing that he’s depressed about the loss of milva angouleme and cahir could provide for some more angst and tension :/

the vampire claws are ugly and not lore-friendly. why not just give them short claws on their hands. when regis and other vampires fight in the books, they barely use their claws anyways. they turn invisible, turn into bats, scream, etc.

the smoke/fog effect annoys me because there’s no mention of that in the books, only of them turning invisible. and you can SEE smoke/fog so tell me what is the point

the op-ness of vampires bothers me because vampires were already op in the books and making them moreso just is annoying because it’s unbalanced. i guess this is partially due to an issue in the books where sapkowski never explained how a vampire could truly be killed, but my interpretation is that sapkowski intended to portray regis as “truly killed” at the end of the series, just obliterated beyond his regenerative ability within the near centuries... i mean it took him half a century to grow back a head, how long would it take him to regenerate his entire body? forever, which is pretty akin to ‘death.’ there wasn’t a need to add social rules about vampires killing vampires because... vampires could ‘die’. but cdpr introduced dettlaff regrowing his hand within like, 3 days, and that was that. i don’t disagree with some of the regenerative things depicted, like regis regenerating after dettlaff spears him lol, that was pretty cool and reminiscent of the battle of the bridge where he regenerated from an arrow piercing in about 2 minutes. but for things more severe than flesh wounds........ i can’t support that because it’s too unrealistic given the canon from the books

i like dettlaff’s monster form, i really do, but seeing as how the books say that vampires turn into BATS............................. i guess it is said that all vampires are unique and have different powers, but come on, what is that, that is not even bat-like, or MAYBE do something with the MOTH aesthetic he was given?? he should have had like, locust powers or something cool, come on....

speaking of animal affinities, this is really nitpicky at this point lol, but regis’s corvids not being shown as birds of omen or some dark motif and instead as just General Helpers......... when they attack stygga in lady of the lake, the birds crowd the fort and circle around it, causing the guards outside to all stir and worry about what ill fate is to befall them. it’s intended to be super creepy and worrying. iirc when regis was around corvids also tended to perch in the trees, sort of ominously signaling that he was around... in blood & wine they’re good boys and i love them, but they’re not entirely creepy enough. think of how regis’s gwent card depicts the corvids as an example of a step in the right direction. what im saying basically is less doctor doolittle and more the birds, please.

honorable mention is regis’s hairline and facial hair. baptism of fire described him as looking middle-aged, so he should look around 45. that is all

the conjunction retcons introduced are just confusing and annoying. regis remarks about the vampires’ “home” wistfully multiple times throughout blood & wine, AS IF he actually saw it at one point. our boy’s like, 400 something years old (436, but who’s counting), so he was born in the 800s (bc the witcher saga and games take place in 1260 something). he’s fucking young compared to someone like the unseen elder, or even for example, AVALLAC’H, who’s older than him by like 2 centuries. the conjunction of the spheres occurred 1500 YEARS BEFORE THE SAGA & GAMES TAKE PLACE, in 200s BCE which is MORE THAN 3 TIMES REGIS’S AGE. so it makes no sense for regis to be talking about the vampires’ homeland before the conjunction because (if regis is considered middle aged by vampire standards) he’s like, 3rd or 4th-generation vampire.

depiction of vampires

i will say that orianna and blood simple was a good move because it shows how vampires’ addictions can manifest in ways other than raiding villages as youth... though i would have liked to see orianna shown as middle aged looking like regis is i’ll let that slide because i know cdpr can’t show a woman who is supposed to come off as attractive looking more than 30 years old

but the strictness of vampire society imposed in blood & wine, through the no killing vampires laws, tesham mutna’s whole hierarchy and structure, is inaccurate in my opinion because in the books the whole THING about the vampires is that while they’re highly intelligent and emotional, they don’t really form social structure beyond drinking parties, which i think was both a nice step away from classic “stuffy manor vampire” types and something unique for the witcher universe...

my biggest issue, though, is with dettlaff and his characterization throughout blood & wine, or should i say, lack of consistent characterization. half of the “good things” dettlaff does isn’t even shown (i.e., resurrecting regis) and is rather explained through word, so the effect on the player isn’t as big. his actual caring and protectiveness of rhenawedd/syanna is overshadowed by syanna’s huge arc about her own backstory so there’s like, NO empathy built up for dettlaff. you actually get to talk to syanna about her opinions and takes, but as for dettlaff you’re relying on regis’s secondhand guessing about his brother’s emotions. regis is also somewhat of an unreliable narrator because it’s not like he can predict everything that will happen... as much as it seems it, sometimes

but the whole point of the books dealing with vampires (and more specifically, regis) was to show that sometimes monsters are more reliable and morally upright than humans. im not saying every vampire in the witcher series should be shown as a paragon of morality, because that’s definitely not the case. but i think for a player who has just met regis, just learned about the vampires in the witcher universe, they need more context and more depictions of Good Vampires, or at least, Vampires That Employ Logic, in order to accept that vampires are NOT some savage beasts like anna and damien argue.

it also doesn’t help with... how regis is depicted. regis is always shown in his humanoid form when he’s proper and kind and geralt is friendly with him, and when he’s in a more bestial form during la cage au fou and tesham mutna, he’s shown as like, a danger [[to geralt]], which is such a slap in the face when you consider how regis and geralt fought side by side at stygga. to even think that regis is somehow untrustworthy tbh literally goes against everything in the books -- in the saga, regis is depicted as yes, a very powerful being, but one that has deep intelligence, emotions, and alliances to geralt and the hansa... when he uses his powers and fights in the saga, it was not only rare, but only ever for Good, to save ciri and yennefer. and he was completely in control of himself and his powers... even when drunk at stygga. not to mention regis was even a self-described ‘coward’ and felt it necessary to avoid battle and conflict because he disliked it so. so when in blood & wine, regis fights during capture the castle like it’s nothing, that’s so alien to his character, idk how to even describe it. he just brushes it off like “looked like you needed a hand, we thought we’d stop by” instead of like, whoa. this is a big sacrifice he’s making by putting himself into this conflict, because he loathes violence. of course there’s also the issue with la cage au fou where regis is shown as Bestially Untrustworthy because he Can’t Control His Powers but those issues have already been discussed.........

also it’s tiring how it’s lazily attempted to explain that vampires aren’t just horrific thirsty beasts of the night and then toussaint is sacked by vampires like a week later. the showing was more impactful than the telling here

back to dettlaff’s inconsistent characterization, it’s annoying how he doesn’t get a chance to explain his thoughts and worries and grievances like syanna does, but also it’s annoying how he’s shown as such a caring person for those he loves (asking syanna if shes okay, feeling guilty that he couldnt rescue her sooner, regretting not being there for her...) but then when he’s betrayed he immediately goes to “sack the city until i can murder this bitch” which is like...... okay, i get it, scorpio vibes, but it doesn’t really make sense without some kind of dialogue between dettlaff and geralt. the player would have to stop and really mull this logic over (it does make sense, but you have to think about it... dettlaff would want to murder syanna because she had him murder those close to him anyways, and dettlaff didn’t know (and never finds out, actually) that the knights were bad people deserving of death anyways). i feel like if dettlaff knew the reality about the knights, then he wouldn’t want to murder syanna....... he would be mad that she didnt communicate with him in the first place, but at least he wouldnt be assuming that he murdered innocents. from dettlaff’s perspective, syanna is a killer who killed some of his best friends, but as the player, we never get to even interact with him or his feelings about the subject. instead we’re faced with an unnecessary dichotomy between the two of them which ends in tears and bloodshed either way, and it’s unsatisfying.

#thoughts #tw3 #bw #regis #dettlaff #omfg big fucking rant goodbye lol #i spent like an hour writing this all out o h my god

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antag0nisms · 3 years ago

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after therapy thoughts (1/10/22)

hooo... first time in therapy in over a year. that’s the longest break i’ve taken from it since i started going regularly in college.

honestly, i feel good. i feel good that i took this first step. (this therapist talked a lot about self advocacy.) the session was normal first session things, she asked about my family history, what my current concerns are. we went through a list of symptoms i may or may not be having.

she asked me what i want to work on, and i said, apathy & lack of motivation, as well as body image concerns.

we talked a little bit about disrupting negative thought patterns by thinking about the objective evidence you have towards something. that’s always been a struggle for me -- that i know something likely isn’t true, but i can’t ever negate the possibility that it could be true.

but otherwise, i feel good. i’ll have a worksheet to try, she asked me to try journaling as well, which i’ve already kind of been doing anyway, but i can try to do it daily. i also need to come to the next session with a more defined list of what i want to talk about. i also (!!!) need to make an appointment to see my doctor, bc she suggested that some of my issues could be due to hormonal imbalances. and i didn’t want to say anything, but especially with how inconsistent i’ve been with my injections.... she might be right, lol.

#reflections

0 notes

system-architect · 7 years ago

Note

50 Q for Vax... please, I need it

OH BOY vax... i’ve been rping him a lot lately but he still remains a bit of an enigma!! lets see..

Personal

1) Age? 23! he acts older than his age i think

2) Gender? like all my other ocs bc i’m very self indulgent, he is a trans guy!

3) Romantic/Sexual Orientation? vax can think boys are cute, but he’s never been a very romantically active person. he doesn’t lack a capacity for affection, he’s just always... busy with other stuff? it’s not something he thinks about often. if he’s buzzy around someone it’s probably bc he adores their cybernetics/etc work

4) Height? probably smth like 3′9″

5) Race? asura (+ cyborg??)

6) What do they look like? (i.e, hair color, eye color, etc). i’m gonna link The Vax Draw, i’m undecided about whether his hair is naturally full black or if the white stripes are weird pigment loss... PS he has a ton of moles all over, not just on his face :D

7) Any disabilities? hokay this is a Vax Secret but he has some sort of muscular and/or skeletal disorder i need to research into/get specifics on but the general idea is that he can get very weak and achey and have trouble moving sometimes! he deals with this via another Vax Secret i might talk about sometime

8) Is there a meaning to their name? in asuran ?? idk i dont think their names have meanings, but irl its a shortened asurafied version of ‘vaccine’ bc i thought it sounded cool

9) What makes them, them? Odd Question but he’s very shaped by his childhood experiences studying his father’s work and looking up to his dad and he’s very defined by his innate drive to bulldoze towards goals he has and wants to research... he’s a very stubborn and determined person who’s very much an agent For Himself

10) What do they want to be when they grow up/what do they want to do with their lives? he is Growed Up but he really wants to keep chasing revolutions in prosthetics/augments/cybernetics.. he wants to help people in ways they couldn’t otherwise be helped (atypical inquest huh)

Family

11) Do they have parents? What are they like and how do they act with their child(ren)? yes one parent, a single dad! ppl who’ve been watchin my hell rp server stuff will know his name is akka and he’s one of the top prosthetics smiths in the industry and was very private about his work but had a very cutting edge philosophy towards artificial parts and lead some really revolutionary work... dr. akka is a very kind and patient man with a good soul who is a tad weary from the world but he loved his son very much! he and vax had a great bond and vax was always eager to learn about his dad’s life work and his dad was always eager to teach him.. akka is an overall pretty amazing man, it’s a shame he joined the inquest for some reason and now we don’t know his current whereabouts......

12) Do they have siblings? How do they interact with them? If not, do they wish they had siblings? he technically has a sibling! maybe more? but he’s never met them... vax is perfectly pleased with being an only child, we’ll have to see how he reacts if he ever meets this one. it’s actually a character y’all are already familiar with.......

13) Extended family? Do they see them often? nope and nope

14) Do they like where they live? (Is it a safe place?) vax essentially lives out of his workshop within the sigma-5 prime division laboratory space which is Not a safe place no....... but he loves it... he technically has an apartment somewhere in soren draa that is as much of a junk pile as his workshop whoops (vax is very much a ‘i know where everything is in this chaos. don’t move it’ person...)

15) Where do they live? Are they wealthy? Poor? Middle-Class? i semi-answered this above but he has enough funding via the inquest to do his research projects as well as have a place for himself! i wouldn’t call him upper class probably just kinda middle ish, he keeps himself afloat alright

16) Do they have a lot of expectations/pressure on them from family to do great? despite vax’s attachment to akka’s work and vice versa, akka is a very chill guy who never expected vax to live up to it or anything like that.. he just thought it was great vax had the interest in it

17) Do they have pets? alas, no.... if he did i could see him owning smth more atypical like a ferret and fuck i kinda like that idea now i’ll have to meditate on it

18) Who do they look up to the most/are the closest to in their family? take one guess

19) This there anything special about their family? his dad being a renowned prosthetics doctors is pretty special yeah

20) Do they wish they lived in a different family/household? absolutely not

Friends

21) Best Friend(s)? alas vax is... very very much a lone wolf! this section is gonna be hard to answer and i’m probably gonna have to cross out some stuff because vax purposefully doesn’t really get close to anyone and he’s exceedingly unperturbed about this.. i meant it when i said he’s very self-driven! he’s not ultra egotistic and he doesn’t hate other people, nor is he unempathetic (i’d say he has a good degree of empathy actually), he’s just kind of... uninterested? he won’t hate you or be nasty to you for no reason, he’s just not interested in befriending/being around you as an aspect of his life

22) Who was their first friend? probably some of the other progeny tried to befriend him in precollege he he was Smart which is Cool but they quickly learned that vax’s idea of friendship is he will give you a quick synopsis of what he’s currently on and then go silent as he continues to work on it

23) What is their friend group like? there are a lot of inquest underlings who try to suck up to him because he’s their boss and also a shining star virtuoso with his work................. vax remains oblivious and unpeturbed

24) Do they have a love/hate relationship with any of them? yes. specifically plex. who is his best tech ops drone but plex is a... sort of pushy person wrt trying to Befriend vax and he has a very obvious crush on vax and vax is mostly oblivious to it but sometimes feels weird about plex’s sudden ‘random’ bursts of being super buddy-buddy with him. in plex’s defense a bit, plex doesn’t know how to interact with people either

25) Do they consider any of their friends to be like siblings?

26) Have they ever hurt a friend or lost one? he’s probably unintentionally driven off people by coming across as super cold... i think he feels bad if he accidentally upsets people with his demeanor but he’s not quite sure what to do about it bc he doesn’t really want to upset people but he also doesn’t want to force himself to be MegaFriendly anyway esp considering his trials with social interaction are kind of a hardwired brain thing (he’s got like... vague assorted ADHD-autistic spectrum traits)

27) Do they have a crush on any of their friends?

28) Do they share classes with good friends?

29) Whom do they go to the most when they need a shoulder to cry on? vax internalizes all his problems and works through them privately khgjdf he’s a weird mixture of stable and mature but sometimes unhealthy

30) What would this person do without their friends in their lives? [img of vax doing vague shrugging motions here] as aloof as he is he probably at the very least appreciates that other people have interest in his work! so would be a bit sad if he didn’t have that

School

31) What grade are they in? If they aren’t in school, how come? he has graduated college! he was top of the class his year at dynamics

32) Do/Did they like their teachers? Was there a good one? Bad one? i’m sure he’s had a Variety of teachers but most of his teachers probably liked him a good bit since he’s smart and yknow, Asura Be Like That... i’m sure he’s conversely had a few who butted heads with him over his philosophy on cybernetics because he has a much more open ended approach that’s a bit focused on the idea that prosthetics are body parts and people with prosthetics are Whole People not People With Additional Bits Slapped On/In and he’s very ginger with prosthetics/augments he handles and treats them like they’re the same as fleshy body parts and deserve the same delicate care despite being metal, and overall he has more of a focus on the actual people he’s working with i think, and i can see some more hardass/uptight teachers in particular not liking this because it’s kinda unasuran to more traditionalist types to have such a.. humane view on work rather than being enthused solely with your numbers and research results

33) Do/Did they listen to their teachers or are/where they goofing off a lot? vax is very headstrong and if you have useful advice then its useful advice but if you dont then fuck off and let him do his work how he’s determined to do it... he doesn’t goof off but he has no respect for authority if authority gives bad commentary

34) Are/Where they a good student grade wise? top marks except for in classes where he was abrasive with the teachers who’s work ethics clashed with his but what can you do

35) Do/Did they need extra help? nope... he probably ended up tutoring a few people actually (which probably was due to a nudge from a teacher and not.. vax’s sole volition of wanting to tutor people)

36) What is/was their school like?

37) Do/Did they have bullies in school? i’m sure he Didn’t Get Along With some others bc he’s Weird

38) Have they ever gotten into a fight at school? yes he’s absolutely metaphorically gone for someone’s throat because they had the audacity to challenge him on something that they were both wrong about and not as passionate about as him

39) Have they ever done something stupid/embarrassing at school? i’m sure he has but i can’t rlly think of anything (boring answer srry)

40) How far do they plan to go with school? If they dropped out, do they want to go back?

Other

41) Are they dating anyone? Do they want to date? Are the married? Divorced? i already kinda answered this but he’s not partic romantically involved... however i think if he found someone he was In Sync With and who understood his mannerisms then he’d be very content with them... i think he would need a stable easygoing relationship based on shared interests and just casually fitting together and supporting each other rather than anything passionately heated or overly focused on traditional displays of affection

42) What is their favorite hobby? Do they keep it a secret? he’s a big nerd who collects various prosthetics/augment models and he absolutely doesn’t keep it a secret...................... 75% of the RP i’m in with him rn has been him geeking out over augs. the other 25% was me describing the facility.

43) If they could have one thing in life, what would it be? i think he’s more overall focused on the idea of a continuous stream of improvement over a few static goals? he’s constantly laying out new traintracks in front of himself to steam ahead on... he’d like to be happy and successful at what he does, ultimately, and really attain super advanced inventions

44) Do they work? If so, what is it? If not, are they looking for one or even want one? despite everything i’ve said here about him being a good empathetic guy, he is Inquest........ the inquest funds his research he does at their labs and they pay him for being the sigma-five supervisor

45) Do they use social media? i can’t see him using social media much tbh... he might be into podcasts and asuran youtube a bit

46) Have they ever been in the hospital? due to his strength issues and some stuff that happened as a very small child he has been quite a bit yes

47) Do they believe in the supernatural, that there is more than the eye can see? this is a weird question in the context of gw2 which has canon ghosts whoops.. im gonna interpret it as ‘are they superstitious’... vax isnt superstitious and i think he’d be very brave facing questionably supernatural forces but in a sort of logical way uh... he would Not be the first to die in a horror movie.... he’s a skeptic of non-scientific magic things with i think some lingering internal paranoia.. he’s a very logical person

48) What do they do when they get angry, stressed, or upset? broods in private probably....... depending on what he’s heated about he might go sit by himself for awhile or he’s gonna take his anger out while working on a project

49) Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey? i think he tries to be a good person but he’s skeptical of that Status a lot and worries over it a good bit... again, typical inquest!

50) Does this OC have any part of you in them? (I.e, personality traits, similar background, etc) all of my ocs have parts of me in them to some degree, i think vax carries some things related to my disabilities, interpersonal and moralistic struggles, and the nerdy passion over my special interests

#oc talk #ask memes #tHIS TOOK SO LONG IM SO SORRY #vax

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myloveofwords · 7 years ago

Text

Do You Believe?

Original Imagine: hi! I love your writing! it’s absolutely amazing! I was wondering if I could have a one shot request where the reader gets critically injured bc Barry wasn’t fast enough to save her. super angsty and sad? thank you! @zbvbble (Sorry it took so long Sweetie! hope you enjoy, cuz it almost killed me!)

Reader Gender: Female

Word Count: 2,000

Warnings: ANGST. SO MUCH ANGST. UH. OH MY GOD. I’M SO SORRY.

Author: Contrygal7

* * * * *

If I didn’t believe in you.

The words cut deep into your head, the first thought of the day and recalling fights hurt. This isn’t the first time you’ve heard those words, though. Of course the first time wasn’t nearly as depressing.

No.

The first time it was warm. A fuzzy kinda warm that slowly seeps its way into your bones almost as if its igniting your entire body in a tantalizingly slow burn. The early morning sunshine, the whole world cascaded in a pink tint, as it fell lazily over the small bedroom in your even smaller studio apartment that you currently shared with your full time boyfriend part time superhero, Barry Allen.

The whole day seemed to reflect your mood, everything a stupid, can’t possibly be real kinda happy. Then you heard it, you’d heard it before of course, but singing in the shower was one thing… This was something different all together.

♪ If I didn’t believe in you♪

♪We’d never have gotten this far. ♪

♪If I didn’t believe in you♪

♪And all of the ten thousand women you are. ♪

He was actually singing. Like he sounded like he knew what the hell he was doing, now your boyfriend was many things. Goofy. Cute. Adorable. A super dork. Charismatic as hell when he wanted to be. But a singer? It just didn’t seem like it was actually him.

… Until he accidentally dropped this solid one liner into the air in front of him.

“Maybe I should just ask her… Nah. No. It’s too soon. Yeah. It’s wayyyyyyy to soon. But is it? Seven months? Maybe. I mean, ugh. I don’t know. I mean I know it’s what I want. But is it what she wants?”

Elevated heart rate, which Barry can hear, or sense or whatever the fuck he does. He turns around faster than your eyes can see, but living with a speedster you we’re used to it.

His deep blue eyes seemed to mirror your own terror as the two of you stood in the bright sunny kitchen, the tension palpable. You could feel his anxiety from across the small room as he too loudly asked “Coffee? You need coffee. I need coffee. I think we both need coffee. I’ll…”

Barry was gone and back in seconds two coffee cups from CC Jitters. You smile sweetly at his terror filled face as a single hand cups his cheek “Thank you sweetheart. Did you have something you wanted to ask me?”

His eyes screamed yes, but somehow he kept his dorkiness to a minimum as he, as slowly as a speedster can, dropped down on one knee. His big puppy dog eyes are what sealed the deal, he opened the small black velvet box in his hands. You looked down, catching glimpse of the shiny red bone shaped dog tag nestled inside.

BUT back to present day … Barry had left this morning with out a single noise.

You woke to a dark room and cold sheets. Glancing quickly at the alarm the 5:13 there glared at you with bright green neon. The world around you seemed to darken, you didn’t like fighting with Barry but sometimes he was just so stubborn.

The fight seemed to cycle and cycle thought your head. You overthought everything said and remembered everything. It was torture, sitting alone in a bed meant for two. Cold and alone. A single tear fell from your cheek as the words said came into razor focus:

“WEll, I’m sorry Barry! I’m sorry I can’t be everything that you want me to be! I’m sorry I’m not a doctor like Caitlin, or a superstar reporter like Iris! Shit Barry.“

"Who said anything about Caitlin or Iris?”

“And you’re never home! You’re always with everyone else but me. You leave me for days, sometimes weeks at a time with no explanation.”

“I have responsibilities (Y/N)! I can’t be here every time you have a feeling!”

“Like you’d know anything about me feelings, Barry. You’re never home. You’re always gallivanting around the city, fighting bad guys and ignoring ME!”

“I do NOT ignore you (Y/N).”

“Well you certainly don’t pay attention.“

"And when am I suppose to do that (Y/N)? The three hours I get to sleep at night? Or maybe you’d like the thirty minutes before hand when I eat before I pass out. Oh! Or maybe you’d like the eight hours when I’M AT WORK EVERYDAY.”

“OR you could come home before the goddamn crack of dawn. Or when you do come home, you always find some kind of excuse to leave yet again!“

The click of paws on the floor snapped you from your memory so you figured Flash, the lovable dalmatian that you and Barry adopted together, needed to go outside.

Without hesitation you stumbled your way through the dark gathering Flash’s leash and your shoes before hustling him outside.

The air was cold and wet. The rain fell around you, chilling you to the bone. You didn’t see anything until it was too late. The sweet smell filled your nostrils and the last thing you remember is the cool sensation against your face as you feel into the darkness.

* Barry’s P.O.V *

I should have went back this morning. I should have went home and crawled into bed, held her close and never left. My neck is sore from sleeping on the couch at the lab, my body aches from lack of sleep, and my head is spinning in regrets.

I should just go home now. Call the captain, tell him I need a personal day. Pick up some flowers and some pizza from that place in Gotham she loves so much. Meet her back at the apartment and lay in bed all day.

Hell, she’s never going to say yes to marrying me if I keep treating her like this. My hand instantly goes to cup the diamond ring in my coat pocket. I shake my head as I realize that I’d been carrying it around since the second month we’d started dating.

She is my everything. I have to make this up to her.

I take out my phone and begin to execute my brilliant plan, until my phone lights up and Cisco’s name pops up. Damn it.

”Cisco, whatever it is let Wally handle it. I can–“

"Barry. It’s (Y/N).”

I was in Star Labs before the call ended.

“What’s happening Cisco?”

“The Meta-finder got something. It’s him Barry. And he’s got (Y/N).”

“How long?”

“I don’t know. Neighbors place her walking Flash at 5, and he just popped up on my radar. We have no account of his whereabouts for in between.”

“That’s 3 hours Cisco.”

“Yeah, man. It’s bad. Want me to call Oliver?”

“No.”

I didn’t finish my sentence. I left her alone. Scared. In the middle of a fight. And now I may never get to see her smile again. I suited up and headed face first into a hurricane.

* * * * *

You woke with a throbbing in the back of your head. Your stomach growled causing you to slump forward, you realized your hands were bound behind you. You shuffled forward trying to regain some kind of bearing, and that’s when you heard him.

“Comfy?”

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Oh I think we both know the answer to that question.”

“Well your not going to get it. He’s not coming.”

“Oh but he is.”

“Oh, but he’s not. Asshole.”

“Uh oh. Trouble in paradise?”

You tilted away from him, hoping to terminate any and all conversation which worked. For a whole half a second.

“It doesn’t matter anyway. He won’t get here in time.”

“I’m not taking the bait, asshole.”

“What is it with you and that word?”

“OH I’m sorry. Douche bag. There’s another word for ya.”

“What does Mr. Allen see in you anyway?”

Your eyes widened and you were thankful you’d turned your body away. How in the hell did he know? Your head began to throb again and you cried out.

The last thing you remember is Barry’s face as the darkness slowly took over. You stumbled over the words as they left your mouth. You didn’t know if he could hear them or not, but they needed to be said.

“I believe in you, Barry Allen.”

Your eyes closed slowly and your breathing soon followed. Everything blurred together. Then black.

* Barry’s P.O.V *

I saw the light leave her eyes and I cried out. I don’t remember much after that. Caitlin says it could have been that my body was moving faster than my brain could keep up with. Wells says it could have been too traumatic and I’ve blocked it out. I don’t know. I don’t really care.

All I know is she’s in a hospital bed, on life support and I’m still breathing. I haven’t figured out the how or the why yet.

Another tear falls down my face. It seems like that’s all I do now. Cry.

I feel nothing, I feel empty. I don’t eat. I don’t sleep. I just sit here and stare down at the love of my life. And pray that she will wake up.

Her last words bring a sharp pain to my chest.

I believe in you, Barry Allen.

Why? Her last words, she had to have known they were going to be, yet… She didn’t cry out for help. She didn’t try and plead for her life. She didn’t scream at the top of her lungs…

She told me exactly what I needed to hear. A single phrase and I felt I could take on the world. A conclusion of words that made me feel invisible. A solid string of syllables that connected the two of us in a way I didn’t even realize she was capable of.

A single memory came into mind. One with white curtains and yellow sunshine. Dirty dishes and happy times.

♪ If I didn’t believe in you. ♪

♪ We’d never have gotten this far. ♪

I took her hand into my own, feeling the warmth and smiling down at her.

♪ If I didn’t believe in you. ♪

♪ And all of the ten thousand women you are. ♪

I laughed slightly remembering how she hated when I sang that part to her. Part of me hoped it would piss her off enough she’d wake up.

♪ If I didn’t think you could do ♪

♪ Anything you ever wanted to ♪

♪ If I wasn’t certain that you’d come through somehow ♪

♪ The fact of the matter is, (Y/N). ♪

♪ I wouldn’t be sitting here now. ♪

She never once moved. I watched as the machine assisted her with each and every breath. The rise and fall of her chest and the sudden stillness of her seemed to be too much all at once.

I raised my hand to my face, feeling the sobs begin to tear through my body. I walked over to the machine and with a trembling hand, flipped all the necessary switches.

I watched though tear filled eyes as the machine took her final breath for her. Her eyes never once opening.

21:17

The clock taunted me beside me. I swear I could feel my soul leave my body.

I listened to the tantalizing beeping of the heart rate monitor.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

I listened closer as it begin to flat line signaling the end of her life.

BEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

Silence. It filled the room. Filled my head, my heart. Everything. There is no moving on from this kind of pain.

This is it.

The end.

Beep.

. . . . . Then again… Maybe not.

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disinfandous · 7 years ago

Text

Light Reading

Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler

1,939 words - fluff, trashy romance novels, the eighth doctor ;), “disturbing the peace”, crack?

[[I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE ORIGINAL POST BC IM A HUUUUUGE KLUTZ SO I’M REPOSTING IT I’M SO SORRY]]

Rose Tyler (much to her surprise, delight, and horror) finds a rather… interesting… romance novel starring none other than the Doctor himself! Try as she might to read it in peace, the Doctor just has to know what’s going on. Why is she laughing so hard?

AO3

Ever since she began travelling with the Doctor, Rose generally avoided romance novels.

The reason why was simple, really. Every time Rose read a romance novel she just kept thinking of him, of that maddening alien she now lived with. Her mind would wander, unbidden, to dangerous territory, lingering on the eternity in his eyes, the perfect fit of his hand in hers, the warmth spreading in her chest at the sight of his smile…

She couldn’t read a single limerent word from even the trashiest of bodice-rippers without her mind wandering. Romances were, for lack of a better word, hazardous. They did a impressive number on her sanity and she swore to stay away from them for the sake of her health.

Generally, she kept that promise well. She avoided suspicious sections of not only the TARDIS library, but of other libraries or bookstores they happened to visit on their adventures as well. She did her part and stayed away, but Rose didn’t take into account the books not staying away from her, and she certainly didn’t take into account the books actually being about the Doctor.

Suddenly, it wasn’t so much an issue of her mind wandering but rather of whether or not her imagination would be up to par.

Looking back at it, she would certainly claim that it wasn’t her fault. Not really. What were the odds of her finding something like that in this particular library in this particular town on this particular planet? Or anywhere in the universe at all, rather? Slim, she bet. Probably as slim as he was in that suit of his, that’s how unlikely.

Yet there it was. Just sitting there, wedged in between two other seemingly innocuous volumes. It was misshelved, clearly, by the way it was surrounded by cookbooks. She just wanted a glimpse at freaky alien food, not freaky alien Doctor fantasies.

Still, Rose quickly grabbed the book and ducked around the shelves to take a peek anyway. Ever the paradigm of restraint, she decided regret was for the future. She would burn that bridge when she got to it.

A customary glance at the cover nearly left her a giggling mess. It was so cheesy, almost exactly like those cheap paperbacks sitting around in convenience stores. The man emblazoned on the cover passionately embracing a swooning purple-skinned damsel was clearly meant to be the Doctor, even though he looked considerably different. He was painted with a velvet coat and luscious brown curls, dressed perfectly for a position in some sort of Jane Austen novel or something. In the background, partially concealed by gratuitous amounts of blossoming flowers, stood the TARDIS in all of its blue boxy glory.

The title was printed in curvilinear alien script and appropriately translated to the closest English equivalent of its meaning. It read, much to Rose’s amusement: Doctor Sexy. It sounded like some sort of quirky medical drama.

The tagline was just as bad: Fate, passion, desire… He can save the planet, but can he love?

What a loaded question.

Rose remembered the Doctor telling her as soon as they arrived that he recalled visiting this planet multiple times in the past and saving them from a new threat every time. He mentioned, offhandedly, how he figured that the locals must technically consider him some sort of hero or legend by now based upon how well he had been received before. There was no way he could have expected this.

Oh, they thought him a hero alright. Definitely.

She hadn’t even opened the thing yet and it was already too much for her. Her hands were shaking with barely concealed laughter as she flipped between random pages in the book, not really looking to actively immerse herself in it yet desperate for a juicy paragraph or two.

And God. She was not disappointed:

“Oh, Doctor,” sighed Anahi, melting into his embrace, “You came for me!”

“I could never leave you, my poignant weeping blossom,” he professed. “You have captured not only both of my wandering hearts, but my body and my soul as well. My love, I am yours.”

The Doctor placed kisses along the fleshy ridges of her neck, making Anahi squirm like a nurseling in pleasure. His strong, velvet-clad arms held her flush against him yet she still craved more. Anahi tugged at the curls concealing the undoubtedly gorgeous expanse of his bare scalp and groaned in need, the vibrations reverberating onto his lips from their position upon her throat.

“I thought you would never return,” she gasped. “I thought… After the uprising… No, after Drewan…”

“Drewan matters not. He is unworthy of you,” he growled. “He shall never have you. No one shall ever take you from me.”

“Oh, Doctor!”

“My love!”

Rose couldn’t hold it in anymore. She burst out laughing right then and there, burying her face in the pages of the book, guffaws violently jarring the serenity of the library. Blimey, this was too much. She wasn’t built for this kind of relentless assault.

She had to keep reading.

“Rose?” called a familiar voice.

Or not.

Rose quickly shut the book, shoving it behind her as she twisted around. She backed up against the shelf behind her and plastered on an innocent smile. She hoped, no, prayed, that her cheeks weren’t as flushed as she felt them to be.

The Doctor’s inquiring expression greeted her. “You were pretty loud,” he began, stepping toward her. “What’s so funny?”

“Uhh… Well,” she struggled for an explanation, “S’nothing, really. Jus’… Just this really silly—” she glanced around her, recalling precisely what section of the library she was in—“cookbook I found.”

His face contorted into further confusion.

“Yeah. Uh, more of a joke, really. 1000 recipes not to feed your… your nurseling.” Rose cringed. “Funnier than it sounds.”

“Can I see?” he asked, his confusion melting into that of skeptical acceptance and mild interest. He moved to peer behind her, but she deftly turned and pressed herself even further against the bookshelf so as to block his view. She could feel the wood digging into her arms.

“Nope. It’s not anything you’d like to see. Really. Trust me,” she said, biting her lip to suppress a chuckle at the memory of what she just read.

“Rose, if it made you laugh so unabashedly in a place like this, it’s definitely something I’d like to see.”

“No. Honest. I swear—”

It was at that moment a book fell from its perch behind her. Rose jumped in surprise and quickly bent to retrieve it, startled by the loud thump it created upon meeting the floor. It was one of the books opened for display and she must have dislodged it as she backed up.

The Doctor wasn’t one to waste an opportunity, however, and he snatched the novel from her unassuming hands the moment she shifted from her position of defense. She let out a yelp of protest and dashed to pry it away from him before he could properly witness the cover.

Too late.

She watched in mounting horror as his eyes drifted over the illustration and read the title.

“D… Doctor… Sexy…? ” he whispered, eyes wide. Rose groaned. Here we go. “This is what you were reading?”

She nodded.

“B-but—this doesn’t make sense—why would something like this… Why… What?”

Rose coughed, “Apparently, Doctor, some people think you’re um, well—” she gestured in the book’s general direction—“sexy.”

“That’s…”

“You’ve got a history here, yeah? Hero and whatnot. That’s pretty hot.”

He furrowed his brows and leafed through the pages of the novel, his face reddening as he advanced through it. His increasing embarrassment lessened the strength of her own embarrassment and by the time he looked up Rose felt the beginning of a smile gracing her lips. God, this was so surreal.

“This isn’t even anything like me!” The Doctor cried, incredulous. “I would never—I certainly wouldn’t—I would never do any of this stuff!”

She snickered, “Oh, I don’t know. Seems pretty in character to me.”

“Rose,” he whined. She grinned at him shamelessly. “You know this isn’t accurate. It’s ridiculous! Fantasy fodder. Entirely fictitious!”

“Fiction stems from reality, Doctor.”

“No, no, no, no, no. Not in this case it doesn’t.”

Rose tilted her head inquiringly, “So you honestly think you’d never say a single word of this? All those passionate declarations of love and devotion and stuff?”

“They’re the single most cliché, contrived declarations I have ever had the misfortune of discovering—”

“Oi, that’s a bit harsh, innit?”

“Harsh?”

“They’re not all that bad.”

“Rose, you can’t be defending this? That’s supposed to be me on those pages. This is slander; I am personally victimized.”

“I’m not on about that, Doctor. I agree with you there. Can’t take that book seriously, honestly,” she rolled her eyes. “I’m jus’ saying that those words are the kinda thing people love to hear. Passionate and adoring. Yeah, it’s kinda cheesy, but that’s what stuff like this is for. It’s all self-indulgent. Love for the hopeless romantic.”

He regarded her wearily, but the indignance in his gaze seemed to wane.

“When was the last time you visited? Must’ve been a long while ago judging by your appearance. You said it yourself: you’re like a legend to them. Something distant yet wonderful. Something they can pile their desires onto without much trouble. It makes them happy.”

“How do you know so much about this?”

“S’common sense,” Rose shrugged, tongue peeking out through her teasing smile.

“Don’t think so,” he said, “because then I’d be an expert on this.” The Doctor glanced back down at the book in his hands and eyed it with distaste. “Something I most certainly am not.”

Rose sighed, “Oh, tell me about it.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

It was then that a librarian glided up to them, a stern expression on her face. Turns out they have been rather disruptive for the past few minutes, dropping books and speaking absurdly loudly, and she figured it was time to insist upon their dismissal for the sake of her peace-loving patrons. They could come back, she told them, once they decided to abide by library policy.

In other words, they were kicked out.

The walk to the TARDIS had them improperly amused in the end, the Doctor’s previous dissatisfaction forgotten in the wake of other more important matters like going home. Lamenting on the fact that they never seemed to be able to go anywhere without being given the boot, they walked hand-in-hand, smiling like the trouble-makers they were.

“Tell me what you will, but I honestly don’t think you could ever catch me saying anything out of that book,” the Doctor told her upon reaching the TARDIS doors. He no longer bore his earlier offended tone, but he clearly must have felt the need to clarify.

“Really?” Rose asked. “Never call anyone your poignant weeping blossom?”

The Doctor made a face. “Never.”

She just laughed, following him up the ramp inside. Rose didn’t doubt him; he probably really would never say anything so honestly and aggressively romantic. It was an aspect exclusively reserved for the man he never could be, trapped in between the pages of that silly book, only found stemming from the minds of people who honestly weren’t all that different from Rose herself.

She might not have been so tawdry in her own musings, but she couldn’t deny how some things appealed to her immensely. She recalled a sentence from the book that stood out to her almost painfully.

My love, I am yours.

Yeah. It would be nice to hear, wouldn’t it?

#ficandchips #tenth doctor x rose tyler #ten x rose #dwfic #tenth doctor #rose tyler #doctor who #IT WASNT EVEN A GLITCH #I CANT EVEN BLAME TUMBLR #I LITERALLY JUST CLICKED DELETE AND CONFIRMED IT AND I DIDNT REALIZE UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE #IT HAPPENED SO QUICK #fanfics #im lucky i managed to save the html code so i wouldnt have to reformat it omfg

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plantanarchy · 7 years ago

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do you think you could talk a little about being autistic? im wondering if i might be autistic and im still not sure bc i like pass as neurotypical rlly well so far and i thought it would help to hear about actual people's experiences. you don't have to though and im sorry if this is weird!!

This has been in my inbox for a bit, I’m sorry! But yeah, I can talk about it. Keep in mind that everyone’s experience is different and its less of a “spectrum” from mild to severe/low to high functioning and more of a complex where different people have different experiences. A lot of people use functioning labels to dismiss the experience and opinions of “high functioning” folk when it comes to being autistic because tjey “don’t seem autistic” or “aren’t like those other low functioning autistic people”, but really “function” is relative and can even change day to day… on someone’s bad days they could be totally nonverbal rocking back and forth and on good days pass better at neurotypical than I do…

Ok so, I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was ~10. I was essentially non-verbal in school and other high stress social situations and had been since I was very very young. This was interpreted as “very shy!” despite me having severe difficulty from a young age in saying anything at all to teachers, doctors, church people, even many of my peers, etc and often feeling like i was physically unable to speak but you know… because I spoke at home and with my neighborhood friends, I wasn’t considered non-verbal at all. Or I guess selective mutism is the correct term which is something I definitely still struggle with. Like when I was in middle school, I spent a few years literally being known by my mom’s friends and by some people at school as “Meep” because thata fuckin all I could physically say when somebody tried to talk to me haha

BUT ok that got away from me, point being: i was diagnosed with Aspergers at a young age which is a diagnosis that no longer exists/has been absorbed into the greater Autism diagnosis. Aspergers was separate for a long time because it was basically used to say “these kids are high functioning and different than those low functioning non communicative kids!”. Basically because I had most of the “cool and good” autism traits, my “not as cool and kinda crippling” autism traits and needs got shoved aside and essentially ignored for a long, long time. Which I think happens to a lot of kids! Even to the point of not getting a diagnosis at all or getting a wrong diagnosis and only realizing later in life what may be going on and what was missed.

Whoops before this becomes a bitter tangent, back to my experience of autism I guess. Ok, so on top of still being selectively verbal/mute (some days are worse than others and sometimes it isn’t even directly anxiety related it’s just a mostly mute day), my other symptoms include 1) it’s almost physically painful to make eye contact with anyone 2) formal social situations are beyond me, I never know what is correct or what’s coming next and usually I survive informal social situations by cracking jokes and making weird references to shit or being obnoxious and just accepting the label of “weird ass obnoxious kid but that’s just bre” 3) usually feel like I’m just two steps away from understanding what’s going on in some social situations lol like sometimes i have good intuition, can read people, can guess at what they’re thinking and then something happens that makes me question my entire interpretation of the situation and I realize maybe I wasn’t reading them correctly the whole time!!!! It’s the social equivalent of being the only one to get a wrong answer on a math problem and frantically rechecking your work lol 4) sensory overload yayyyyy when too many things happen at once (which can be like… 2 thing), I zone out and feel like my environment is unreal or blurry (fun and cool dissociation) and I can never predict what will cause that overload or when but also a lot of people have the very dramatic “autistic child screaming from sensory overload” image in their brain and thats not always accurate… my overload results in shut down 5) also along with that, I have sensory issues such as texture, sounds, etc. Certain fabrics as a kid would legit make me cry if I touched them or if my mom made me wear them (WINDBREAKERS ARE SENSORY HELL) and that still happens lol also with stuff like… chewing sounds, shoes that touch my toes in any way, loud music/bass, etc 6) along with that and with sensory overload… stimming. Stimming is basically a self-regulatory response to overwhelming stimuli and plenty of non-autistic people also do similar things when faced with high anxiety situations. Like foot jiggling, pencil tapping, nail biting, pencil chewing, etc it’s basically a soothing compulsion and not always something many autistic people can control without great effort and that control comes at the cost of not regulating anxieties or sensory overload well. I’ve got and always have had a lot of verbal/language stims and am very reptitive in my speech and writing patterns (y'all and lad anyone???) which is kinda self soothing. I have literally always had catchphrases. When im on my own i also do rock baxk and forth and other repititive body motions, also fidgeting with objects, especially cool round objects 7) catalog all the useless info in my brain!!! I can memorize information very well (not numbers though) and when I was a kiddo that got me labelled as #gifted and I was “savant” level in reading and writing but that is less cool and fun to people than beinf a math or science savant or something. 8) anyway related to that, as evidenced by this blog, I get VERY INVESTED in certain topics/ “special interests” to the point that it eclipses all other thoughts in my brain yay!!! Which isn’t a bad thing, I mean it gets me through and also if you have “good” special interests, people think you’re smart and interesting and ask your advice about stuff lol

Symptoms I don’t have that a lot of people think of when they think of an autistic person 1) I am horrendous at math I fuckin hate it numbers are the devil!!!!!! 2) 99% of my humor is sarcasm and I can understand it and figures of speech lol though sometimes i do get it wrong if i can’t read you otherwise 3) I don’t have “zero empathy”, I can feel for the plights of others VERY strongly, and can usually see any (most) POVs if it’s explained to me

There are others probably and there are certainly autistic people who have thise traits and who have different traits than I have. There are LOADS of different ways to be autistic. But also, there’s a lot of overlap between autism and between other things like ADHD, anxiety disorders, etc! So keep that in mind. Some people are strongly anti-selfdiagnosis of autism but knowing how easy it can be for kids who don’t present 100% stereotypically to slip through the cracks, I am all for it. I pass a lot of the time as neurotypical and can do most society things ok, though I have a steep learning curve compared to others… and with passing as neurotypical comes the frequent dismissal of my opinion on autism related topics and the lack of acknowledgement that actually I often DON’T pass as neurotypical and at those times my lack of passing is interpreted as rudeness, deliberate lack of effort on my part, stubbornness, lack of intelligence, lack of professionalism, an assumption that I’m angry with someone or don’t like them, etc etc. It’s an endless, awful cycle!

And I don’t really have too much personal advice for figuring out if you’re autistic or not… I did go through a point in time where despite being diagnosed I strongly denied that I was autistic and kind of had to come back to that as a near adult and realize nope… definitely autistic. And then knowing what to do with that info once youve figured it out is just… I mean there’s not much. There are little to no resources for autistic adults, very few support groups made up of autistic people and led by autistic people, very little resources directed at autistic people themselves in general, usually the focus is on the parents or guardians and talk aboit autistic people as abstract concepts… whoops, can you tell I’m bitter haha gonna end this before I go full “mental health professionals failed me and I’m a mess” etc

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thenightisland · 7 years ago

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updates under the cut

post one

post two

on this edition of “fuck you 2017″

we had one of our techs get her head bashed in with her walkie talkie for no reason like just walking her checks like she was supposed to and the pt grabbed that beat her head in and tried to stab her with her own pen and showed zero remorse and could give no reason as to why she did it so that room was so full of blood that it looked like a crime scene and they had to literally mop it up and the tech had to go to the er obviously

a pt got punched in the face by another pt and in trying to keep the two apart, my alpha tech got his arms literally soaked in blood trying to keep the one who got punched from getting punched again and for a while there we thought we were going to lose our tech because when we ran exposure labs on the bleeder he was positive for hepatitis so we were all scared to death our tech had hepatitis

apparently we’re running a special on bloody messes because one pt out of nowhere stood up in the dining room picked up his chair and brought it down on another pt’s head so when we came in at three that guy was going to the er with a seven inch head wound

hell, a few days ago a pt attacked a tech for no reason and he was an older tech quiet sweet harmless so naturally the pt went after him and that was so bad that /other patients were helping us pry that pt off our staff/

finally met the infant i’ve been putting off meeting since january so that was. interesting.

oh another of my techs, she called in on a monday some weeks back and admin was bitching at her so much for it despite the fact that she was /in the hospital because she’d had a miscarriage/ and then thursday of that week her brother got fucking /shot/

fuck even i got jumped by a pt which feels like a minor detail

everyone’s morale is so low because everything is so fucked up at work right now like people who have worked there longer than me are like “it didn’t used to be like this having people in seclusion for seven hours never happened you only heard of a staff member getting attacked maybe once every few months you never had this many holds or this kind of staffing for a census of 85″ like sounds fake but okay i literally cannot imagine what this place used to be like

we caught someone mid-suicide attempt via hanging self from a doorknob like threw all their weight to the ground unconscious when we found them and as soon as air got back in those lungs they fought us like crazy and we had them in a hold for over an hour to keep them from trying to hurt themselves again it was honestly one of the most terrifying nights we’ve ever experienced bc it was also a case we’ve all been heavily invested in and worked a lot with so catching someone in the middle of hanging themselves /two days before the pt’s birthday/ was. a lot like we were all so shaken esp because most of us have at some point or another been suicidal or tried to kill ourselves so we’re really good at picking out the serious suicide attempts from the attention seeking nonsense some of our pts and we were all really quiet because we knew this one was 100% serious and it fucked us all up because we’re the only shift that’s really even taken the time to try to help this particular pt everyone else sort of gave up or just ignores them????? so it hit us way harder than anyone else and god it was chilling

i’ve had several emotional upsets in my personal life which i’m not even about to open that can of fucking worms because it’s A Lot

also like listing out all those violent and awful incidents is kind of reminding me that normal people with normal jobs are not usually exposed to this kind of constant violence and suicide like i forget that seeing the things i’ve seen would be considered really traumatic for a regular person and for us it’s just tuesday? but it’s happened /so much/ and shows no signs of getting better and tbh it feels like the entire hospital is in a crash and burn phase right now which is not good not good at all

our 76 year old house supervisor is really sick with some respiratory mess and i hope every fucking day she doesn’t die because we’re honestly really close and i don’t want to feel like i’ve lost another grandmother thanks

and as we speak, my second in command, who was having orthopedic surgery during the last update, is about to be out having more abdominal surgery. last summer she walked around with a mild upset stomach for two weeks and found out that she’d actually be walking around with a ruptured appendix for two weeks and had to have emergency surgery because she was septic and was in the icu for two weeks and almost died. she then had to have another surgery in like november because there was still bacteria they missed. so now, literally on the one year anniversary of the first abd surgery, she is in the hospital yet again with what is either peritonitis a hernia/strangulation or a perforation, or a combination of those things and will probably have to have /another goddamn surgery/. so jan 2016 acl and mcl ortho surgery, aug 2016 almost died abd surgery, nov 2016 second abd surgery, feb(? i think?) 2017, second round of ortho surgery on the same knee, and now aug 2017, round three of abd surgery because i’m pretty sure all my friends and loved ones are cursed because that’s the only explanation at this point. so like. @universe please don’t kill one of my best friends thanks.

meanwhile earlier this week, /i/ started having the exact same symptoms she had last year so i was at the doctor wednesday to rule out anything being ruptured and idk if it’s better or worse because it wasn’t anything life threatening, but after running several tests, it’s discovered that physically i’m in great shape and that the severe abdominal pain and lack of appetite and fatigue etc etc is literally just from stress so i’m off till next week with the modern equivalent of “she has a fragile constitution and needs a week’s rest in the country” yes that’s right 2017 has literally been so goddamn awful and stressful that my body low key shut me down in an effort to get fucking recovery time like ever since my life started going to shit in mid april it’s just stayed bad and nightmares are breaking through the medication which no thank you i enjoyed sleeping and so i haven’t been sleeping hardly at all lately either this year has literally wrecked me and this is all minus the several serious intense things happening in my personal life right now lol

like everyone i work with is falling apart under the pressure we love our jobs and we love each other but the job might being kind of low key killing us so when you add in the stress of our various personal lives and our health on top of you know being witness to horrible life threatening violence and trauma every day........

let’s just say 2017 has yet to turn around and i’m starting to wonder if it will at all?????? or if it’s just going to suck all the way till 2018 so anyway like i originally intended my sort of ghost status to be more temporary but literally the only reason i even have it in me to write this right now is because i’m basically on bed rest for the next four and a half days so.............i guess i’ll return to normal when 2017 STOPS DOING THIS SHIT

#karen's adventures in trying to sort her life out #boy oh boy am i sick of making these posts #scheduling this as no one is awake right now except me

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robstersheegahns · 8 years ago

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Robster, the early years.

Our 2 year anniversary just passed and I thought it would be nice to reflect on how God brought us together, bc it truly was a gift of His timing and preparation of each of our hearts until we met that made us a good match.

It's come to my attention that I know quite a few couples who are success stories from CMB- Coffee Meets Bagel. If you have yet to hear of it, It's a Facebook app that uses your network of friends to match you with people that are just out of your immediate pool of friends. Typically this avoids awkward dates with your current single friends that you have no desire to date. I didn't know much about the app prior to using it, and my decision to get on it was somewhat of a dramatic one. I'm writing this without giving you much of a back story to the relationship between me and my parents. If this is the first story you are reading, then don't be misled by their panic and craziness here as it pertains to my dating life- or lack thereof. They are caring, God-loving, I will take a bullet for you type of people who pray for a living- and bear much fruit. I wouldn't be who am I am without them. But.. that's not to say that we didn't butt heads- particularly about this part of my life.

April, 2014... I turned 29. Which to my Korean parents meant the alarm went off on my expiration date for marriage- ability. I totally understood why they were concerned- I spent the majority of my time at work or at church- a pool that was not viable for me in terms of dating. LOL. though I did try. Well after many fiery phone conversations- my refusal to start courting a Korean doctor caused an ultimatum. If I wasn't willing to date this guy, who was long distance, whom I had already met and knew it wasn't a match, AND who they knew little to nothing about aside from his parents- then I HAD to agree to go on a dating website.

Enter CMB!!!

It was free and seemed the least scary out of all the other options. They agreed, but only if after one month of this seemingly cheap free site, I joined a paid site if I hadn't met anyone yet.

Anyways, Rob and I were matched on CMB on June 12, 2014. I remember seeing Rob's profile- at first glance these were a few of my thoughts. 1. He's white. 2. His job title is in Korean. 3. That's weird. 4. Why does this white guy write in Korean? 5. He looks smart. 6. He plays guitar. 7. There is literally nothing about running on here. 8. Oh shoot, he's younger than me...

I think every girl out there may have a couple of things in mind when they are thinking about their future husband. We’ll call them preferences...

I just had a few things I thought would be nice: my age or older, likes to run, loves Jesus- in reverse order of importance. But other than that I wasn't too picky- after all as it had been pointed out to me several times- I was 29... Actually a week before that an older sister of mine had taken me aside to somewhat rebuke me about the way I was boxing in some of the younger brothers in my life. She basically said, cut out those notions of what you think is necessary in a husband and be open to what God has in store. For me that could only allude to- hey be open to younger, non-running, Jesus-lovers. And LO and BEHOLD, Rob appears mere days later- and I think that was God's way of opening my heart to a man that maybe I hadn't pictured but a man that He had planned just for me.

2 FROGS, 1 PRINCE (not in that order)

I met three guys on CMB- one black, one korean, one white. How diverse right?

After joining in May-ish- I got my first match. He was lawyer, he was into Ballroom dancing; he seemed nice albeit a bit serious. There was another weird connection in that he was someone one of my patients had offered to set me up with previously and we didn't realize this until after the failed first date- but let's just say it was a good depiction of how on-line dating can go. We got ice cream- it was extremely hot outside. We ate outside where it was sweltering. There was a lack of chemistry, he had a sneeze attack... at one point he asked me my favorite color... after 40 minutes, I said I had to meet up with some friends in Chinatown and sca-daddled out of there. We never spoke again.

I was matched with Rob next- and after our match- we became FB friends and had our first 2 hours chat-a-thon on messenger that night. We found out we both had done missions in Haiti, both on praise team. He served in a korean church- my dad is a Korean pastor. He's in seminary to become a pastor. We both spoke French (him much better than me). We both had a heart for missions in general... it was in his words- “trop bizarre....” The next day we progressed to a phone chat on his drive to Brooklyn from Philly. A longer phone chat the next day. Then a 2 hour video chat the next day. We seemed to be clicking from the get-go. Th real test would be meeting each other in person- we scheduled that for Tuesday June 17. We had started texting and it was fun to see his name pop up on my screen. Classic- beginning of a relationship jitters, excitement, and curiosity all wrapped up in one.

Literally the day that Rob and I were supposed to meet, I actually got another match. That's the thing about on-line dating that can be tough. You are encouraged to date and pursue multiple people which I guess is efficient and makes sense, right? This 3rd guy was basically all the things that I thought were “missing” in Rob... isn't God funny that way? He was Korean. He was in finance vs. ministry which is a lot more stable. Most of his pics were in races- running. He was my age. ... I was like God is this a joke? After talking to a few people about it, I decided ya know what? I have to meet this guy too. No matter how my date goes with Rob, this will just give me more info. So for 2 CRAZY days, I talked to both of them. I honestly think this third match was God's way of reminding me that His plan is better. Yes on paper this guy may make more sense.. but in every way... Rob was actually the better God-given match for me.

So...finally- OUR FIRST DATE!

I asked to meet at Chapterhouse which was about 2 blocks away from my apartment at the time. It was a blazing 95 degrees that day and me in my smart- only if it's opposite day- thinking was like OH i'm gonna go on a run! silly me who did not time it right- my body was still thermo-regulating post shower and couldn't stop sweating. That 2 block walk washed off the make up I tried to apply- if you know me I don't wear the stuff so that was tough. I even stopped at the Starbucks 1/2 block away to look in the mirror and see if my mascara had run down my face and if my sweat was visible... After a few minutes of deep breathing in the air-conditioned bathroom, I walked up the street. There he was... standing in front of the house des Chapitres...

My first thoughts: Crap- He's skinnier than me. His hair is so... fluffy... and his face is... nice :) . We got inside- and chose our drinks before sitting. He did NOT pay for me.. which to others may have been a turn off but because of our previous convos about his frugality I didn't take offense to. We started talking about.. everything. He told me things about his family that were not "first date" topics... and as he was talking I found myself asking... “If I let myself- could I fall for this guy?” and the answer? YES!

I couldn't help but but think Yes- as I looked at his face telling me some animated story about ministry... that yes this could be a guy that I could fall for. FYI- guys out there- yes most of us girls ask this kind of big picture questions as early as the first date. It's just how our brains work. If we can't picture a future- then for us that's a big reg flag. Don't worry most of us have not problem imagining quite a bit even from the first date

We spent 2 hours talking non-stop, and walked out saying we were excited to see each other again. The rest is history. Which I will go into more stories later for those of you curious enough to read on.

Rob and my match, though facilitated by a dating app was in God’s absolutely perfect timing. All those years I waited- impatiently- for this guy to waltz into my life... it could not have come sooner because neither of us would have been ready for it.

Hopefully this will remind some of you single ladies out there- I know how you feel. I waited 29 years for this part of God's plan for my life to unfold. It's not the end all- be all of my life. Nor should it be! But I sure felt like that when I was single. As I watched each of my friends pair up and get married, I felt seriously left behind. My appearance insecurities didn't help that at all... but my single season prepared me to meet this God-loving man that I know is the perfect match for me. I see it everyday in the way Rob loves me, cherishes me, and puts God first. Of course there are hard parts- any married person will tell you that. but rehashing this story reminds me more than ever that God's faithfulness in undeniable and we need to pray for Him to give us more and more faith everyday. Trusting in His plan requires it.

anyways, more stories to come!

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clockworkmegrim · 8 years ago

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Random Megrim Update

Ok so the blog birdhism just got a ton of hate for posting about veganism. And, like, I’m only mentioning so you guys have some context for why I’m rambling on about this. They’ve said they don’t rly wanna talk about it anymore, so don’t go bug them over it, thanks. So like, firstly, I’m allergic to beans and soy and nuts, so my sources of protein are ... limited. So, I sometimes eat meat so that I don’t go back to passing out every day like I did when I was little from lack of protein. As a kid, I had to be force fed eggs for months in order to be deemed healthy enough to attend school. I hated it, like, it was terrible. When I was really, really sick, and my organ damage from high school was slowly killing me, my doctor had to remove wheat, dairy, eggs, soy, nuts, and sugar from my diet. Trust me, that was a lot of eating nothing but bamboo, and that wasn’t exactly amazing either. Now, here’s where I’m getting around to the vegan stuff. I’m from SoCal, and there’s a vegan market about every 3 miles, until you hit farm country where there’s straight up nothing for miles. And, the stores that aren’t vegan specialty places don’t have non free-range meat. Like, state and county laws have said that having any kind of caged, GMO, or antibiotic infused meat is illegal. So, first off, meat prices are through the frickin’ roof, and secondly, the meat industry isn’t exactly doing fantastic here. We’ve also made plastic bags illegal, and a host of other things. Rabbit fur is legal and the native tribes on the reservations are allowed to hunt but that’s about it. Except for the really rich jerks who paid off the police that one time so they could go hunting. That was awful. My mom and I had to bury all the animals. Again, I’m coming around to the veganism here. I can’t go full vegan b/c of that whole meat substitue allergy thing. However, hell if I eat meat every day. One, I don’t like it that much, two it’s expensive, and three, cooking it is way more effort than I’m willing to muster. ((The only things in my house that eat meat every day are the California Wildcats, because if I don’t appease them with tuna and kibbles, they’ll eat all the local lizards. However, I feed them the most sustainable and eco friendly tuna I can. So, while it’s not vegan, it’s definitely not something I feel great about.)) Also, it should be noted, nonsustainable food is also illegal here. Again, unless you’re one of those rich hunter weirdos who don’t even eat what they hunt they just throw it away. Then, it’s still illegal, but people are so damn rich and have under the table connections that they don’t face any punishment. What I’m getting around to is, while I’m not vegan, I only eat meat when I have to. So, like, maybe twice a month. I don’t eat hamburgers or veal, because it’s gross and sad. I refrain from eating lamb whenever possible, because it makes me sad, and like, most fish kinda makes me wanna die inside if I have to eat it. So, when I really need that actual food protein, yeah, I eat meat. But, (and I’m not saying do this bc this is pretty extreme) due to my organ damage, mostly I eat meal replacement drinks, and potatoes, and pasta with no seasoning. Like, that’s what my body can process, and that’s basically it. I’m unable to eat butter substitutes, so sometimes that happens, and I’m really really really lactose intolerant, so there goes milk and soft cheeses. So, basically, you can sometimes eat meat without being gross about it. At least, around my area you can, because we have insane high standards for meat quality. Also the don’t wear leather side of veganism is harder for some people, but leather is so damn expensive that I can’t afford it anyway. But, so are hemp clothes, so the vegans who say you can’t wear polyester or cotton have given me trouble for not being able to afford hemp clothes. And, I don’t wear furs, they creep me out. My great grandmother had a mink shawl and I had to hold it once when we were cleaning out my grandma’s house, and trust me I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life (it still had the little feets and the heads and it was like an awful human centipede kinda thing but it was mink and I was REALLY freaked out). So, mostly I just wanted to put this out there that, like, people who are super pro meat confuse me. Like, if i could just drink pediasure all the time, I probably would. In fact, when the organ damage acts up, I can only drink things like level and pediasure, three times a day, for up to three weeks. So basically, if you’re super into meat, we aren’t gonna see eye to eye on like anything and don’t invite me out to dinner. I’ll just be awkwardly drinking meal replacement goo and staring at the floor. In summation, don’t be mean to vegans. sorry for the long post, just wanted to get this off my chest.

#megrim talks #megrim's health #long post #text post #veganism

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